#i also loved ed giving some of his treasure away to those kids (as well as some knives lmao)

[sleepymrshmllow]

okay I haven't seen ep 7 yet and I really liked a lot about ep 6 but eek the pacing was so off and im kinda sad about it :( like it was almost distracting compared to the previous episodes (the dialog was also kinda off to me in this episode?? did anyone else feel that way?)

I feel like the first 5 eps were paced so surprisingly well and I can't help feel a bit disappointed? this episode really could've used a longer run time (or yknow, having 10 eps probably would've helped a lot, but I understand why there's only 8).

I was so excited for this episode in particular and it really could've been so good if it had more time </3

[bts-reveries]

mini me | 6

“Are you ready to see your friends?” You ask your son as you park outside of Mae’s house. She had a nice, big house. Perfect for three kids, you thought.

“Is Uncle going to be here?” Youngjae asks excitedly, looking out the window, hoping that Taehyung is inside. You turn the car off, taking off your seatbelt to hop out. You open the back door and help Youngjae off of his carseat.

“No, it’s just going to be the aunties and a few of their kids,” you tell him. He pouts a little at the fact that Taehyung wasn’t going to be here. You laugh at his expression, squishing his cheek.

“You like Uncle Cupcake that much?” You say. “What the heck did he put in those cupcakes?” He laughs at your question, holding onto the hand you were holding out as he jumps out of the car. You close the door, and lock it, then you two walk hand in hand to Mae’s front door.

“I just like Uncle Cupcake,” he says, kicking the mat. He looks up at you, “we like the same things.” You smile down at him, your heart aching slightly.

The door opens and you look up to see no one.

“Mommy!” You look down and see little Soojin at the door. “Auntie Yn and Youngjae are here!” She yells behind her. She looks up at you and smiles. “You can come inside my house!” She tells you, she looks at Youngjae and waves.

When you step in, Soojin grabs onto Youngjae’s hand. “Do you want to come play with us? Minseok oppa, Sian, and Haneul are playing in Haneul’s room right now.” Youngjae looks up at you and you nod, telling him to go. You watched as the two ran away giggling.

“Yn!” You heard, Mae greets you with a hug, pulling you into the living room where the rest of the girls were at.

“Ayyee we’re complete!” Byul exclaims, raising her arms as you walked in. You laughed, sitting down right next to her.

“So what’s the agenda today girls?” Jin says, walking up to you seven, crossing his arms.

“Eating, talking,” Mae shrugs, “we’re just getting to know Yn a little more.” She turns to you and smiles.

“Yeah, the party wasn’t long enough, we have so many stories to tell,” Sarang winks at you. You giggle at her nervously, feeling your cheeks heat up.

When you were at the party and Yuna introduced you to her friends, it was more of you seven talking about your jobs, relationships, and kids. It was basically a long conversation that jumped from one topic to another. You thought it was funny how one of the girls would talk about one thing that would remind someone about a whole different thing, which is why your conversation started from when you moved to Seoul and ended to Rina's favorite drama. The first time you all met it felt strange. A good strange. As if you met some of your long lost sisters.

“Can I join,” Jin says, already sitting down next to Mae and getting comfortable.

“No,” Rina says, making a face at Jin. His mouth drops at her, and her expression changed to a smile.

“I’m kidding. I guess you can be a part of our girls night…”

“Great, I wanna hear you girls’ side of the story,” he says, putting his arm on his wife’s shoulder.

-

“You were on her wishlist??” You ask Sohyun as she tells you about her love story with Yoongi.

“Yeah! And he has this whole thing about granting her all of her wishes to make her birthday memorable, so he was like, I have to take you on a date according to Hana. Us going on a date wasn’t on her list though, he made that as an excuse… but her list did have me in it because she really liked me and wanted to do everything with me,” Sohyun says, Jin laughs at her facial expression as she was nodding with her eyes closed. It kind of reminded you of how Youngjae was with Taehyung.

“Didn’t he break up with you because of another wish on the list?” Rina asks, taking a drink. Your eyes widen and you look at Sohyun.

“Hana wrote that on her wishlist too,” you say, covering your mouth. Sohyun shakes her head frantically waving her hands.

“No no no,” the girls laugh at this. “She wanted me to be her mom and Yoongi wasn’t ready for that.”

“It was this whole thing that happened before my wedding,” Yuna explains. “It ended well though, they ended up going home together after my wedding.” The girls all “oohh-ed,” teasing Sohyun. “Whatever, next caller,” Sohyun says, calling the next one to tell their story.

“Taehyung ended up having to watch Hana,” Jin mentions, unable to stop laughing. His laugh was pretty contagious and you ended up laughing as well.

“Sarangie is next,” Mae calls. Sarangs eyes widen and you can see her cheeks turning pink.

“Oh, ahhhh, so much happened,” she says, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “It was when Huimang and I newly moved to the same building as Hoseok--”

“Oh, I thought Huimang was Hoseok’s kid too,” you say, surprised.

“She is,” Byul says.

“It’s a crazy story,” Rina says, making Sarang turn a little more pink. “W-why are you turning so red?!”

“Don’t call me out on it!” Sarang says, covering her face. “Ahhh, let me explain.. It all started in college, my last year. I had the biggest crush on Hoseok and he was attending this party. I never go to parties, but my best friend suggest we go since it was our last chance. Hoseok got drunk and I drank too, but not as much as he did. One thing led to another and the next morning he was a total jerk to me,” she says, frowning. “I ended up finding out about Hope, Huimang, and kept it all from him, then I moved to America and yeah, 6 years later, I ended up in the same building as him. Hope followed Taehyung and his little dog, Yeontan, and ended up on Hoseok’s front door. To make it long story short,” she laughs. You were so surprised and your eyes were so big. “Next caller,” Sarang laughs, mimicking Sohyun.

“Your turn fangirl,” Jin says, he was quite enjoying the girl talk.

“Meeeeeee?” Byul says, sitting up. “Okay, so I’ve always been a fan of Namjoon’s books. And himself,” she says, smiling. You smile back at her. “I attended his book signing and kept running into him after that. We met again at Sohyun’s magical bakery actually,” she says.

“Does all love come from that bakery? I think my son found his soulmate there too,” you laugh.

“I honestly think so,” Rina says. “If I didn’t meet Jungkook when I was younger, I’m a 100% positive that I would’ve met him there.”

“24/7 Heaven, where you meet your match made in heaven,” Sohyun says. “Has a good ring to it, maybe that’ll be my shop’s motto.”

“Tell Yoongi to make it into a jingle,” Jin suggests.

“You’re right...” Sohyun responds.

“He invited me to a hangout with the entire group afterwards and we all got so close,” Byul says, continuing her story. “We started dating shortly after.”

“Wow,” you sigh out. “So does a hangout always start before you start dating,” you laugh. “I met all of you already though.”

“Are you implying something Yn?” Rina says, raising her eyebrows. It seems like your eyes were widening at everything they were saying.

“What??”

“Taehyung’s the only single one,” Jin says, sipping his drink. Like the Kermit meme.

“What are you guys trying to say,” you laugh nervously.

“We’re not saying you and Taehyung should date, but,” Yuna starts.

“But that’s exactly what we’re saying,” Rina says. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is that why you took me into your group so fast,” you say, squinting your eyes at them. Yuna quickly shakes her head.

“No of course not!” She says, you can tell that she felt bad so you quickly reassured her that she’s okay.

“No I’m kidding don’t worry,” you say, putting your hand on her arm.

“Honestly, we all actually really like you,” Mae reassures you. “You give us good vibes, you know? We dig you~”

“WE DIG YOU?” Jin repeats, looking strange and shocked at his wife. “WHO ARE YOU OLD LADY??”

“Yeah!!! And since you just moved here, you need some life long besties, you feel~” Byul says.

“And oh my gosh, we just clicked!! and our kids clicked too!” Sarang says. “We just felt it~ Your presence was exactly what we needed.” WOW your heart melted right then and there.

“Speaking of kids, I should check on those little nuggets,” Jin says, getting up to go to Haneul’s room.

“Also, if you don’t mind us asking, what happened to Youngjae’s dad?” Byul asks you carefully. You didn’t mind talking to them about it, you felt comfortable enough to let them know about your situation.

“Oh, he’s okay hahaha,” you start, looking up and thinking how to say everything. “Umm… we were in a good relationship when we were younger, but I got pregnant with Youngjae unexpectedly.”

“Ah, me too,” Rina says.

“Yeah, but my parents told us we had to get married,” you say, scratching the back of your head. “We weren’t really ready--” 

“I’m back, Haneul’s joining us-- oh-- the mood shifted,” Jin says, stopping in front of the hallway. Haneul lets go of Jin’s hand and runs straight to the girls.

“Auntie auntie~” Haneul says, asking Byul to carry him. Byul’s face lights up as she carries Haneul onto her lap.

“He never asks for me, I’m treasuring this moment,” Byul says, hugging Haneul tightly.

“I think he wants the cookie you’re holding Byul,” Jin says, pointing to the cookie in her hand that Haneul was grabbing.

“Oh, this is fake love,” she whispers.

“Anyways, fill me in please,” Jin says, sitting back with Mae.

“We’re talking about Youngjae’s dad,” Sohyun says. Jin’s mouth shapes into an ‘o’ shape.

“Yeah, I was just saying how Youngjae’s dad and I were in a good relationship but we got pregnant unexpectedly with Youngjae and my parents basically forced us to get married, we weren’t ready. When Youngjae was born, I kind of fell out of love with his dad. He didn’t really like Youngjae?? Like he felt like he couldn’t reach his dreams or whatever because he was “forced” to be a husband and a dad, you know?”

“Sounds like a butthole,” Byul says.

“He is,” you say. “We divorced when Youngjae was 2, every now and then he visits his dad and his family, but only because Youngjae’s grandma wants to keep seeing him. I don’t even know if Youngjae sees his dad honestly.”

“I can see why Youngjae loves Taehyung then,” Jin says. “He doesn’t have any dad figures in his life, or has ever experienced the kind of love Taehyung gives so freely to him.” You nod your head, agreeing.

“Him and Taehyung have a lot of things in common as well. He seems like he fits Youngjae’s dad more than his real one,” you laugh. “I don’t think my son got anything from his dad… except how he looks I guess.”

“Taehyung loves Youngjae too! He calls him his mini me and he always tells us about him whenever he comes back from a hang out with you two,” Yuna says.

“That’s so cute,” you say. “Taehyung also played with him the whole time while we were at the party. I don’t think his dad ever plays with him—-“

“Taehyungie really filled up that missing piece in Youngjae’s heart,” Sarang says.

“Ugh I know! That’s why I like spending time with him, it makes Youngjae happy,” you say.

“Does he make… you… happy?” Rina tries again. You laugh at her question.

“He makes me happy the same way you guys make me happy,” you say.

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ

mini me

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ part six: we dig you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

pairings: artist!taehyung x singlemom!reader

a/n: hoping you guys are getting this notification because i copied and pasted and it’s showing up the same way it always does when you guys receive the tags??? ALSO IF YOU’RE READING THIS BEFORE THE OTHER DAD SMAUS THEN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS HAS SPOILERS

taglist: @heartfeltscribblings @taexmichi @prdshobi @smarshere @i-swear-im-a-soft-stan @igotarmyofarohas @butterflylion @miagracegrande @casspirit0705 @ephyra1230 @cosmicdaylight @bbyjoonies @betysotelo18 @strwberry-jam @rjsmochii @chocobetterknot @notmontae97 @alpaca1612 @yoongistruth @dragonqueen01 @silentlyimpractical @hecticwonderer @joanc24 @angjeon @momma-said-that-it-was-oke @sweetmoonlight9  @samros95 @dreamcatcherjiah @sonderkook @taekookcaneatme @listless-losers @kookietsukkie @goldenchemistry @salty-for-suga @peoplejustcanthandlemywierdness @softboyfriendtae @raplineh0e @ess-place @callmepaopao @ggukvii @ramyagovindraj @yoongiverse @mipetronella @cloudy-skys @jikachoo @nxtrogers @kookoo-kachoo @taestannie @hispoutylips @hallofbtsmasterlist

TAGLIST IS CLOSED!

to be notified when i post, please turn on my notifications! thank youu~

[libraryofloveletters]

and the memories of you never wash away

Eddie x Buck, Eddie x Shannon (co-parents/platonic) 

wc: 1.9k 

[AO3 Link]

----

“Eddie! Have you seen the sunscreen?” Shannon's voice carried through the hallway before she found him.

“Did you check the bathroom ?” he glances over his shoulder as he digs through a bin in the closet looking for Christopher's beach ball.

“I found it!” Buck shouts, coming down the hallway.

The 3 of them had decided to take Chris to the beach to start off the summer break. Eddie was still bent over looking for the beach ball when Buck arrived where the two were, his eyes instantly found their way to Eddie’s ass which just happened to look amazing -per usual as Buck happened to think.

Shannon has noticed Buck’s gaze and where it was directed. She nudged him, making a smacking motion with her hand and nodded towards Eddie.

Buck had a mischievous look on his face, taking a step towards Eddie before his hand came down and hit Eddie's ass.

Eddie stood up so fast that Buck didn’t even have time to move from behind him.

“Seriously ?” Eddie’s arms folded, giving his boyfriend an unamused look.

Buck smiling innocently with hands raised, “wasn’t me.”

Eddie shook his head at the blonde before pulling him towards him and pressing a kiss to his lips.

“Okay, can you two stop being in love for a moment so we can get going ?” Shannon calls, bringing the two men back to reality.

Just as she did, the sound of Christopher coming down the hall caught their attention. There were 3 adults in the house and they had all disappeared on him.

“Can we go ?” the boy peered at them from around the corner. “Yeah, come on,” Shannon made her way over to him, leaving the two men in the hallway.

---

The smile on his face was nothing compared to the warmth of the sun. The pure happiness on Christopher’s face was enough to make all 3 of them happy.

Buck and Shannon sat on the blanket, the sun beating down on them- surely enough, they’d both have crazy tan lines by the time they left because of course, no one listens when Eddie says to put on sunscreen.

Eddie, on the other hand, had lathered Chris in sunscreen and managed to rub some on himself before Buck and Shannon had run off with Christopher.

The Diaz boys were now standing in front of the water, Eddie’s arms looped under Christopher’s. The two of them laughed as the water hit their feet. Eddie picked up Chris, swinging him around for a second before putting him back down right as the water rushed up to his feet.

Shannon’s head rested on Buck’s shoulder, smiling at the boys by the water. Buck glances over at her before turning his attention back to the boys, he too had a smile on his face.

“Thank you”

The words came out barely above a whisper, truthfully he had said it internally but somehow it sort of slipped out.

Shannon looks at him, a smile on her face but brows furrowed. “For what ?”

“For being okay with us,” he glances at Eddie.

“Buck, you don’t need to thank me. You make Eddie happy, Christopher too and that’s all I could never hope for.”

Shannon reaches for his hands, smiling at him. “I should be thanking you” the two of them laugh.

Buck gets up, pulling Shannon up with him and the two of them head down to the water where Eddie and Chris are.

“Why are you two all giggly ?” Eddie turns to them, they just smile and shake their heads.

“Nothing babe, just having fun that’s all.”

--

The sun was starting to set, Christopher was getting tired. His eyes drooping, his head on his mother’s lap. Her fingers combed through his brown curls, smiling as he eyes shut.

“Hey,” she whispers, nudging Eddie who was talking to Buck. Both men turned to see the boy asleep. Buck gets up first, taking the keys from Eddie and then leaning down to pick up Chris before making his way to the car.

Both Shannon and Eddie follow him, the blanket in hand. Eddie’s arm is over her shoulder and Shannon’s arm snakes around his waist, the two of them had always been comfortable with one another despite the divorce.

Christopher had woken up when Buck picked him up, he’s now laughing at something Buck said to him.

“I swear, that kid was born happy”

“I have no idea where he gets it from.”

Eddie turns, slightly offended with his brows furrowed. “From me,” his finger gestured towards himself.

“Oh ? From you ? Mr. Broody ?” she jokes, a loud laugh erupting from her.

Eddie pouts, rolling his eyes playfully. “Yeah well hopefully he gets your brains, he can’t get by on my good looks alone” Eddie smiles proudly.

Shannon snorts, she can’t help the laughter. “Good looks my ass, who’s been lying to you, Diaz ?”  

“Oh yeah ?” Eddie’s brows raised, a look of amusement on his face.

“Yeah”

“Isn’t that what attracted you to me?” he asks her, picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. Her hand smacked his back, “put me down!”

“Answer the question” he keeps walking.

Shannon’s hand reaches down, grabbing his ass and squeezing it. “Nah, it was this ass in those jeans” she laughs once more and Eddie puts her down in front of the car.

“Squeeze my ass again and I’ll fight you.” his finger in her face and Shannon rolls her eyes, sticking her tongue out at him.

Next thing he knew, there was another hand on his ass. Eddie turned so fast, he probably gave himself whiplash. Buck was sitting in the car, the door opened and a smile on his face- proud of the fact that he just grabbed his boyfriend’s ass.

“Again ? Seriously ?”

“Couldn’t help myself. She’s right, your ass does look good in those jeans.”

Eddie shook his head, he could not believe that these were the two he had to deal with on a daily basis but despite all the shit they pulled and the constant bickering, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

When the 4 of them were together, it felt like home. The laughter, the random trips to get ice cream, the 4 of them attempting to all fit into one tent in the backyard- it was moments like that they would treasure forever.

----

He barely heard Buck step into the room, his eyes focused on something in front of him. The footsteps became louder with each step, Buck’s hand on his shoulder.

“Eds?” He glances over his boyfriend's shoulder, the red picture frame from the dresser in his hand.

They had stopped at the gift shop right by the beach during their last trip to the beach. Christopher had picked up the frame and said they should get it, so they did. Eddie and Buck had one in their room, Christopher had one in his and Shannon had the other. It was all the same red frame with seashells and starfish.

They all had the same picture of the 4 of them in it.  

Eddie’s arms were over Christopher’s shoulders while he leant back against his father, Shannon and Buck to either side of him, their arms around him. They were all laughing because a huge wave had come up and hit them right before the photo was taken, resulting in the 4 of them dreached in seawater while smiling for the camera.

It also happened to be the last photo the 4 of them had together before she passed.

Today was the first trip back to the beach since then.

Buck steps from behind Eddie to beside him, it didn’t take long for him to notice the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t wait for Eddie to say anything and pulled him into a hug.

“We don’t have to go-” “No, Chris wants too, I'm fine.”

The drive to the beach was quiet. It was already midafternoon, it wasn’t overly warm but it was still kind of sunny out. It was more of a spur of the moment trip rather than a planned one. Christopher was rambling away in the back seat, telling Buck about his plans to build a huge spaceship out of sand and Eddie drove in silence, the occasional smile when Chris was talking but that was about it.

Once they arrive, Eddie follows behind the two boys. They had gotten out first, Chris practically dragged Buck with him to look for a spot to build his spaceship, he shouts for his dad to hurry up who jogs over to them.

Christopher finds a spot a few feet from the water, Buck beside him and Eddie to the other side. Christopher had tasked Buck with digging a hole for the ship to rest in while he started to shovel some into a bucket.

Eddie shifted on the sand, something in his pocket was causing him to sit to one side. Reaching back, he pulls his wallet from his pocket and it somehow opens from the way he pulls it out of his pocket. The two pictures he kept in his wallet were sticking out, before tucking it back in, he decided to pull them out.

The first one was of Christopher, Buck and him from before they started dating. It was the day he officially became part of the 118 - Eddie is standing behind the chair Buck was sitting on and Christopher is standing beside Eddie, the 3 of them laughing at something Chimney was saying when Maddie took the picture.  

The second one, he had forgotten he had because that’s how long it had been in there. A picture from Christopher’s first Christmas - one of those wallet sized ones from the Santa’s workshops they had during the holidays. Chris was wrapped up in a little white blanket with blue snowflakes on it, Shannon was holding him and was sitting beside the guy who was supposedly Santa for the day. Eddie stood beside her, his arm over her shoulder.

His finger rubs across the picture, a smile on his face.

“Dad!” Chris’s voice broke his thoughts, “what are you doing ?” the boy asks his father.

Eddie hands the photo over to Chris, moving a little closer towards him. Chris smiles and looks over at his dad, “is that me?” pointing towards the baby wrapped up in a blanket.

“Yeah, you were so little. Mom insisted on taking you to see Santa.”

Christopher leans over to show Buck, Eddie glances over at his boyfriend who's smiling at his son.

Buck had never been upset about the relationship Shannon and Eddie had. In the past, girlfriends from previous relationships didn’t quite understand her random pop up visits or the fact that she was practically living there at times but it was never like that, Buck and Shannon had become friends and he loved her just as the two boys loved her.

Buck looks up from Chris who was still looking at the picture, he smiles at Eddie.

Buck knew Eddie like the back of his hand and Eddie knew that. Eddie had this idea in his head that he needed to hold himself together and not show any emotions because that’s what dads do, he had to hold himself together for Chris.

So when he saw Eddie on the verge of tears, he didn’t question him, he just comforted him the best way he knew. Eddie would talk when he was ready.

“Dad?”

“Yeah ?”

“Do you miss her ?” the boy set the picture back on his father’s hand. Eddie looked down at the picture once more, he hummed.

“Everyday.”

[orange-waterfalls]

Reader w/ wings headcanons(Markiplier Alter Egos)

ty @fancybootm​ for the request!

A/N: i just did all of them. every-all-everyone. Except Yandereplier, Silver Shepard, Ed Edgar... maybe others I’m not aware of at the moment... I tried to stick with a certain number of egos, but my hands just... they just kept moving. It is 11:00 pm when im writing this ya boy is TIRED. there are 1.6k words. It seems longer than it is bc bullet points. Bear with me. You can find the egos that you want easily. The reader is gender neutral. i am so sorry if this is not what you meant lol. on the bright side this is a good reference for all the egos i am open to writing for(also maybe others idk) so uh im keeping it enjoy. I’ll say... a T rating for cursing and also a bit of violence but literally like 20 words. mentions of injury. that’s it.

Requests are open!

Y/N(reader) with wings hcs

No one knows what the fuck you are, not even you

Ya got wings. That’s it.

Are you an angel? A faery? A phoenix? Who knows

You woke up one day in a forest remembering nothing

But you had wings

And then you got shot with an arrow

You ran away and hid in a cave

Darkiplier spends most of his time around you studying you

To see what you could possibly be

He still doesn’t know

He’s settled for calling you a “cryptid”

He’s slightly annoyed with the feathers you leave around the manor

He won’t tell you bc you can’t control that and it’d be rude

You read together in his study on occasion

You sit on the floor bc your wings get uncomfortable in chairs

In sympathy, he also sits on the floor

You think it’s sweet

You told him so and he sputtered out a “shut up and read your book”

He’s fairly fond of you

You’re good company to keep around

Wilford was the one who found you

He was walking through the forest, as one does, when he saw GIANT feathers

Naturally, he followed them

He found you in a cave with an arrow in your shoulder

He took you back to the manor and patched you up

He begged Dark to keep you there

He promised not to kill anybody for a month

He made it 15 days, which is a record

He’s very protective of you, not letting you out a lot since uh… hunters

You are his Sweet Little Songbird, light of his life, wind in his sails, 

if anything happens to you he will kill everyone in the manor and then himself

He helps you preen a lot

His hands are very gentle, surprisingly 

He spends the most time with you out of everyone

You play games, talk(well, he talks to you), and just hang out

He loves and adores you with his whole heart

Actor tolerates you, or so he says

He’s jealous of your wings

HE’S supposed to be the mysterious, sexy one!

But ok, yeah, you’re pretty interesting

He uses you in short films sometimes bc… well… wings

There are alot of things you can do with wings, surprisingly

He took you out into town one night

He shoved the wings under a thick jacket

You guys bought some clothes and food

He cut holes in the clothes for your wings, grumbling about a “waste of money” and “you never go out anyway” 

but he enjoyed spending a bit of time with you

Wilford nearly killed him(again) when he found out

He likes venting to you bc you just nod without really listening

As I said, you’re good company

Yancy thinks you’re nice

He felt a bit… threatened at first

Ya got WINGS, of course he’s cautious

But they are very pretty

And he likes to use you in choreography

People always comment on how realistic the wings are as Yancy leads you away

You don’t judge him for killing his parents, he likes that about you

You don’t know. You could’ve done something bad. You don’t remember

He likes cuddling bc you wrap your wings around him and he feels safe

He also helps you preen… sometimes… 

He’s… really bad at it...

You like listening to him sing

He sings you lullabies at night

You’re very close

Illinois is very fascinated with you

He’s convinced you’re a fairy

He’s seen quite a few of those

You tell him you don’t know, and he goes “a LiKeLy StOrY”

He likes drawing you

You’re very angelic

“Oh, maybe an angel then…” He says, like an idiot

He takes you with him on a few adventures to fly him over pits and stuff

He’d never admit it but he has a… THING about heights

It’s called a phobia, you egotistic maniac

You try to help him with it

You never get that far off the ground before he’s screaming to be put down

He appreciates the effort

He gives you things he finds on adventures that are pretty or remind him of you

He infodumps to you about curses, and archaeology, and adventuring, etc.

Magnum is uh… well, he’s Magnum

He figures you’d be useful out at sea

You can find nearby land, ships, or treasure by flying, of course

He didn’t take into account the fact that you don’t really… fly that often.

So it turned into you just stretching your wings instead of looking for loot

Once you fell overboard

Everyone was like “eh, they can fly, it’s fine”

Then they realized that you probably can’t since your wings might be wet

Magnum LEAPED into the fuckin water and THREW you back on

He doesn’t take you on the sea as much anymore

sometimes you talk about life, treasure, love, y'know the usual

He’s very Father Figure-ly

Bim isn’t sure how to feel about you

You are a person. With wings. What’s he supposed to do about that

He’s friends with Wil, so has to tolerate you at least.

He tries to make conversation, but it doesn’t always go as well as it could

You don’t have much to talk about, and some of his topics worry you

Mostly you two just kinda… exist in the same general area

Sometimes he’ll discuss what he should do on his show

You don’t have many ideas

But you’ve gotten an idea of what it is, and sometimes give a suggestion or two

He appreciates you for that

He tried to get you on the show once but Wilford refused

You kinda wanted to, but whatever

You’ll hang out sometimes too

He’s very entertaining, he has to be

Eric is kind of scared

Not that you’ll hurt him, that he’ll hurt you

That happens a lot to people he likes…

He eventually starts hanging out around you

You don’t ask bad questions, and you distract him from his dad

He talks about animals with you a lot, and how he wanted a farm

You bought a cowboy hat and gave it to him and he cried

You also gave him a stuffed cow one day

He hugged you for a long time

You two cuddle a lot bc the boy needs SAFETY and SECURITY

You wuv each other(platonically or otherwise)

Dr. Iplier doesn’t bother you, mostly

He appreciates that you keep to yourself

He has his work, that’s what he’s focused on

Sometimes he’ll see you when you try to find Wilford or get some food

He tries to get a good look at you without looking suspicious

It doesn’t work, he always falls over

He once gave you a “physical”

It was mostly to just figure out what you were

You seemed mostly human based on the results

But goddammit you had WINGS

They had their own function but were sort of like an add-on to your body

He was slightly disappointed you weren’t gonna… turn into a whole bird

You tolerate each other

Google fuckin’ hates you

He’s completely perplexed by you

Which he is never because he is the most intelligent being on the planet

So he assumed he could figure out what you were

Turns out google fucking sucks at figuring out things people don’t already know

So he hates you. Like a lot

He’s tried to kill you multiple times

But his objective is to destroy MANKIND

You are not included in that

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE!!!

Also Wilford almost killed him for it

So yeah he just kinda hates you

You’ve tried to get along with him but he just wouldn’t

He finally talked to you when Bing called him a little bitch

Still hates you, but can tolerate your existence now

Bing fuckin’ adores you

You are just wonderful to him

You can FLY??!! You have WINGS???!!!!!

You don’t really care that he is an artificial BEING????!!!!!!!!

You’re perfect

He does Sick Tricks™ to try to impress you

They never do

You appreciate the effort

You don’t see him a lot, but when you to it’s very entertaining

He taught you how to skateboard

You kinda sucked but he’s very supportive

He likes just hanging around you

It’s the only time he ever chills the fuck out

Everyone’s thankful to you for that

Your entire dynamic is “what if... i put... my minecraft bed... next to yours? haha just kidding... unless?”

The Host doesn’t really care about the wings??

I mean, he can’t see them, so… what’s the big deal

You appreciate that

He still does the uh… narration thing… with real people…

The stories end better now

You convinced him to make the stories end better

You sat with him to make SURE the stories end better

He also started writing novels recently

You help with plot and character development

He appreciates that

The Jims… don’t really care about you

I mean you’re interesting, of course

But they physically Cannot get a clear picture of you

Even if you agree to sit still, it just doesn’t happen

It is always, ALWAYS blurry

They eventually give up and leave you alone

They do spend a bit of time with you

You help them with demon episodes sometimes

You don’t do much, but they like the emotional support

King of the Squirrels is… well, he’s him

He doesn’t… he doesn’t do much

He hangs out with his squirrels. That’s pretty much it.

You just started hanging out with him one day

He didn’t mind

You two feed the squirrels while sitting by a tree

He lets you wear his crown sometimes

He draws his squirrels, and lets you see the pictures

He teaches you how to draw them

You two don’t talk, really

You just sit. And hang out.

He doesn’t really smile, but you can tell when he’s happy with you

[scenariosofkonoha]

Could you do Akatsuki in college headcanons, like an AU?

Kisame

He’s one of those not so sneaky bastards who brings an empty milk gallon into the dining hall and fills it up again, which is annoying because it takes LITERAL YEARS for that thing to fill and everyone just pissed because he blocks the chocolate almond milk, which is the true treasure of the shitty dining hall.

Lives in joggers- does not jog, but lives in joggers. 

Gym rat. 100%. He skips like 75% of his classes to be at the gym. Gotta use that membership for the 4 years he's got it. 

Konan 

She’s the one girl RA who got stuck with an all boys hall, and she thinks about quitting every day. She’ll never bust for alcohol or weed though- useless you were a piece of shit that week, then you 're getting written up and she’s taking the goods.

She’s basically done with a design degree with an art minor, but it is the most low key thing. She never really talks about it, and you wouldn’t even know she’s into all that unless you opened up her laptop and saw the countless pieces she’s created.

Girl knows how to dress when she’s going out. Watch out y’all.   

Kakuzu

He sells fake IDs and alcohol to the freshman, but upcharges them 2 to 3x more than the original price. 

Has never gone to an actual class. He only shows up to exams and almost always gets As on them- doesn’t make him an A student though- damn those participation points. 

Wherever anyone says “I know a guy,” Kakuzu is that guy. Kinda mysterious, Kinda dark, Kinda a bad idea, but it’s fine I guess? We all know that one guy in college, right?

Itachi

 He’s the TA that every girl has the hots for, and he’s 100% oblivious to it. Get’s emails from them at 3 in the morning asking if he could meet up to help them some time, and it clearly has ulterior motives, but he’s like, “why the hell are they awake at 3am? There’s not even an exam this week?” 

Occasionally goes out with Shisui to parties/bars, never with the intention of drinking more than 1 or 2 drinks, but somehow always ends up completely wasted and sleeping on Shisui’s couch. 

Always has a thermos and ibuprofen? He’ll leave his phone and laptop home, but he needs those two things to get through the day? 

Deidara

HAHA, he’s a wreck. He’s on Konan’s floor and is 100% convinced that she’s out to get him and his alcohol. Jesus fuck, Konan, just let him have his shitty vodka. 

SKKKKKIIIPS GEN EDS. pssst. Who needs composition or sociology, not him. He gives no shits about these classes and does the bare minimum to get through them. Despite this, he’s actually super gifted in chemistry as well as art? Like, took Ochem as a freshman and got a 99%- only lost that 1%, because his hexagon drawings were messy as hell. 

Lol he has a Twitter and it’s probably one of the most followed Twitters on the whole campus. Calls out bullshit 24/7, and people love it. 

Pein

 Business grad student with a philosophy background, which loosely translates that he somehow knows how the world works, but also no idea what is going on. 

Lives in a single bedroom apartment in the nicer part of town, because he can’t stand the undergrads and all the antics and chaos they cause. 

Hidan

 He’s one of those people that stand in the campus square and preaches, but not like the old guys who try to give you mini bibles, but the weird middle-age men who scream at the top of their lungs that you’re going to die if you don’t accept their god. 

Goes to class, but is that annoying kid who curses at the professor and adds unnecessary comments.  

Probably drops out after his sophomore year to be a missionary bc college is dumb. 

Sasori

 The sole grad student in the university’s toxicology department, which is good, because he’s a terrible partner and would probably scare any other students out. 

Does not deal with criticism well. He’ll get criticism, and will straight up be like, “Well you obviously can’t rationalize properly, so I’m going to ignore you.” (lol who let this shit into grad school?)

LOL he had to TA Deidara’s Advanced Ochem lab, and they butted heads so much. Sasori wanted to fail him so badly, because he was just a piece of shit and was terrible at cleaning the equipment, but Deidara always had the highest marks, so if Sasori failed him, he’d have to fail the whole class- He did think about this, but decided against it because the department chair would take away his lab funding if he did.  

Zetsu

He’s the mini cactus that every stereotypical college girl has. 

[skinks]

hi your dilfworth fic is amazing and i love baby richie... my favourite is the tidbit about richie eating a worm that eddie gave him 🥺 obviously u don’t have to but if u have any more thoughts/headcanons about baby richie and baby eddie i would melt into a puddle ❤️

thank you, I had so much fun writing that one! and yeah, I couldn’t possibly include baby Richie without Eddie, the little gruesome twosome.

Richie probably does that a lot with stuff Eddie gives him, drawings and little bits of grass he’s braided together, and on one memorable occasion almost the little navy frogman diver that Eddie got in his cornflakes, but Eddie already had one so he gave the second to Richie. Except it’s one of those ones that swells in liquid, uh oh. Luckily Maggie snatched it away before Richie could swallow it lmao, but that’s the thing;

Richie loves the things Eddie gives him so he wants to Consume them. That’s why he was biting Went’s arm in the fic, why he ate the worm and also why he’s always gnawing on Eddie when they’re tiny, or chasing him to try and envelop him in his shirt. And it’s just one of those games, y’know? Like, Eddie can SEE it’s just Richie holding his too-big Sesame Street shirt up and open like a butterfly net or the flapping gilly mouth of a whale shark, and it’s Richie going raaaarr but Eddie still shrieks and runs! He’s giggling but it’s like, in the inbetween clock ticks, when he’s looking forward instead of back over his shoulder at Richie it’s still Pursuit, he believes in the Richiesaurus coming to get him. It always does, too, swamps him up in its flapping gills until they’re two noisy boy-lumps sharing one shirt, because Eddie lets it eat him. Because the Richiesaurus isn’t a mean monster, it’s just hungry, so hungry, and it only eats spaghetti because spaghetti is special.

Sometimes when they’re doing coloring books Richie will ask Eddie to color in his Yoda too if Richie draws some more Richie And Eddie Adventures, because Eddie’s better (not much) at keeping inside the lines. Also because Eddie’s tongue pokes out when he colors and, watching him, Richie gets this happy hungry that’s MY friend feeling that makes him lie flat on Eddie’s back until he can’t get up and give the back of his head a big kiss.

SO many naps together. They just conk out anywhere. The yard, the den, under Richie’s bunk bed, the back seat of the car as Went and Maggie drive them home from the tree farm or the public pool or Chuck E Cheese, sometimes with Stan and Bill too. Just flopped together in a pile. Richie still sucks his thumb while he sleeps and that contributes to his gaptoothed buckteeth, but Eddie carries a grey threadbare rabbit around with him or he can’t sleep. It’s called Foggy. Foggy Bunny.

One day when Eddie’s over to play, Went and Maggie are feeling indulgent and take them to the mall? Because it’s 1981 and the mall is the best? And Sonia always pulls Eddie along by the hand whenever they go, snapping don��t touch that or stay away from bad men like that but Maggie just gently ushers them from storefront to storefront and Eddie can goggle at the displays as long as he likes. Richie’s up on Went’s shoulders, and when he comes parachuting down again he says “Eddie’s turn!” Went asks Eddie if he’d like to ride on his shoulders for a little bit and Eddie nods, still not really sure how to talk to grownups, but then he’s soaring and suddenly he’s the up-highest he’s ever been.

They collect ladybugs in a shoebox one summer’s day after an aphid swarm and are carrying it carefully up the stairs, a little stumped as to what to do with them next, when Richie trips. Ladybugs everywhere, including in Eddie’s hair. Maggie comes up to see what the commotion is and makes them clean it all up, once she’s calmed Eddie down from screaming about how Richie told him ladybugs are harmless unless they go in your ears and lay their eggs.

They trade the same two lunchboxes back and forth every couple of weeks. Wacky Races for Alfred E Neuman, a roaring stock market to rival wall street. Eddie can do the Muttley laugh so easy and Richie HATES it because he can’t do that one.

Richie is the ONLY kid Eddie knows who can tell time but he always tells Eddie the wrong time. Eddie’s not sure how he knows it’s the wrong time, but he’s sure of it, and so he always steps on Richie’s laces. Then Richie just walks around with loose laces because he can’t tie them yet, but also because he just doesn’t CARE and it’s not right so Eddie always makes him sit somewhere so Eddie can tie them again. Calls Richie a butthead, but he also kinda likes it because Richie always karate chops his shoulders and says something like “I knight thee, Sir Eds-A-Lot!” and Eddie feels good and something else be doesn’t know the word for, but the word is chivalrous. He feels like he wants to do the thing in the Tom & Jerry cartoons where he puts his anorak over a puddle so Richie’s trailing laces won’t get wet.

Eddie accidentally knocks one of Richie’s baby teeth out and vice versa. Peak idiots since babiehood.

Sometimes on rainy days Maggie makes treasure hunts for them all, or just for Richie and Eddie if Bill is with his new baby brother, or Stan is at Cub Scouts. She leaves post-its with drawings and clues that lead them all over the house, and Eddie’s better at reading them but Richie’s better at problem solving... teamwork... they win a kinder egg each and Richie does almost eat his toy again by accident this time, and gets chocolate all over his shirt that’s stretched loose from being an Eddie-net so often. So he does it again, gulp, like Pac-Man. Eddie’s hair tufting out his collar and tickly on his chin, Eddie giggling and pawing his way out and hugging back instead. Because it’s not like keeping him prisoner, Richie’s not like the sea monster in Pinocchio, it’s more like a little plant taking sunshine inside it to grow stronger.

Eddie’s better at reading and he’s a fast talker unlike Bill, so he always reads the board at school and whispers what it says to Richie, sitting next to him with glasses that still aren’t quite right for school, make his head hurt and make him noisy just to feel like he’s having an impact in a room he can’t see. Don’t forget me, I’m here, I can’t see you all but I’m here too.

Sometimes on nicer days Went builds them obstacle courses in the garden, planks of wood balanced on buckets etc and Eddie ALWAYS wins once he gets over his trepidation about splinters and nails and falling a few inches onto soft grass, because he’s a nimble lil mountain goat and Richie’s laces were probably untied again. They win tinfoil trophies.

Richie convinces Eddie that a rock they find by the pond in the park one day is a dragon egg, and Eddie cradles it home to keep. Richie convinces Eddie he’s dead all the time, he’ll lie still with his tongue sticking out after a roughhousing and pretend to have little x’s over his eyes until Eddie’s shaking his shoulder with his voice gone high and reedy, and Richie will surprise him every time! Gotcha! I’m alive! Aren’t you glad I’m alive, Eddie! Weren’t you worried? I’m so important to him. And then one day Eddie brings the rock into 2nd grade show-and-tell and is stuttering about his dragon egg to the tittering class, until the teacher tells him to get back to his seat and stop being silly. Eddie stuffs the rock under his desk lid and his eyes are like dark moons with the confused hurt, and Richie feels a nasty spiky heat in his tummy that he will come to know intimately in a few years as guilt.

That day, Richie learns on some level or another how much power there is in pretending, in keeping up pretend games and having people believe you as long as you’re willing to keep it up. The thing is... he pretends so much because Eddie’s always much happier when they’re playing cops and robbers and not when he’s stuck in his stuffy church clothes and being told the whole world’s a mousetrap set just for him. He doesn’t like their teacher telling Eddie to stop being silly, he loves silly, serious, ties-laces-while-singing-bunny-foo-foo Eddie. Richie doesn’t know it, but he loves him even then. What he does know is that he’s good at pretending, and he’s safe from any big sad betrayed eyes as long as he can keep pretending he didn’t want to put a wonky, lopsided heart in Eddie’s Valentines box that year.

Eddie doesn’t talk to him for a WHOLE afternoon but then Richie draws a dragon face and wings on the rock and they’re immediately playing with it.

Eddie doesn’t have rollerskates because Sonia thinks they’re dangerous, but the others always let him borrow theirs, Stan and Richie and Bill. Richie has the closest size that would fit him even though they do have to stuff some crumpled up newspaper in the toes, but it doesn’t matter when they tie a jumprope around Richie’s middle like reins, and Eddie holds the two handles as Richie runs, and suddenly they’re charioteering at breakneck speed down the street. Eddie can feel the wind in his helmet plume as they hurtle towards the giant pile of fall leaves they spent all afternoon raking for this exact purpose, watched over by Went sitting on the porch (Went tidied the pile once they lost interest, easier for him to do since he’s not roughly half the size of the rakes.)

Their crash into the pile is a Ben-Hur epic. Eddie’s borrowed rollerskates hit the sidewalk curb and he’s airborne until he lands on soft dry crunch and Richie’s totalled body, but 6 years isn’t long enough for gravity to wreak its slow pull on your joints that makes every year harder and harder to bounce back up after you fall. They’re practically astronauts, as well as charioteers and knights and cops and robbers and monsters in love. Moonwalkers, squeaky helium laughter lifting them higher, higher than shoulders, up-highest of all.

Richie gives him the wonky Valentine’s heart, eventually. Then eats him

[sarah-wants-to-write]

Searching My Dreams for a Lifetime; Chapter Two (Criminal Minds)

                “Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.”                 -Abraham Lincoln

◊

        “She did WHAT?” Rossi asked, surprise written all over his face.

        “Wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself,” Derek replied, folding his arms over his chest “just popped it right back in place like it was nothing.”

         “Well it makes sense,” Reid declared, turning to see Shira talking to one of the detectives “people with EDS have problems keeping their joints in place all the time. Makes sense she’d know how to put them back where they need to be without medical help.”

        “What was weirder was how much Hotch knew of her condition,” Emily added, voice quiet “rare enough that it doesn’t seem like something he’d need to know off-hand.”

        “Maybe researching genetic conditions when Hayley was pregnant,” Rossi mused “and it stuck.”

        “Well, no matter how you look at it, Hotch definitely gained her respect with showing he knew about it,” Derek said “starting to look more like you might be right, Rossi.”

~

        Shira was tucked into her own corner of the conference room, where the team was set up to work. Sketching out the crime scene, with the sigils, and the distances, Shira couldn’t figure out what was going on. To the untrained eye, it seemed like a complex ritual layered with meaning. Yet to Shira, who had done her masters dissertation on ancient blood rituals with a focus on the Norse, she was just confused.

        They didn’t mean anything. Not in context. Though the arrangement was definitely familiar.

        Ehwaz, Othala, Ansuz, Gebo.

        “Loyalty, home, communication, gift,” she muttered “nothing to do with…wait…”

        She knew those positions anywhere. How hadn’t she seen it right away?

        Getting up, she made her way to the white board, quickly mapping out the scene with the runes and positions.

        “Make a connection there, doctor?” Rossi asked, watching her “what’s the meaning behind the symbols?”

        “I still can’t figure out the one that’s directly ahead,” Shira replied “but the others I recognize. Looking at them by themselves, their meaning is totally unrelated, but together? It’s one of the interpretations of the runed Helm of Awe.”

        “A Norse symbol that serves like a compass,” Reid added, looking at the board “not much is known about it.”

        “In mythology, it’s also been known as a symbol of protection, for those who cause chaos,” Shira continued “in the Poetic Edda, the dragon Fafnir gave the Helm credit for his seemingly being invincible. 'The Helm of Awe I wore before the sons of men in defense of my treasure; amongst all, I alone was strong, I thought to myself, for I found no power a match for my own'.”

        “So, he’s basing the staging off something that gives power to those who cause chaos,” Hotch mused “he’s declaring himself invincible to our efforts. Getting off on the torture and the lack of progress from the officials.”

        “He likes watching the police squirm,” Shira muttered “hopefully you’ll find a pattern with the victims before the next abduction.”

        “That’s something we needed to speak with you about,” Rossi declared, earning cautious attention from her “all the victims; they’re women in their early thirties, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.”

        “You fit the victimology to the letter,” Hotch added “and with your involvement in the case, that makes you more of a prime target. Needless to say, if you’re leaving the station, it won’t be without one of us or a detective.”

        “You’re telling me this like I didn’t make the connection already,” Shira told them, smiling to reassure, though the glint in her eyes was a bit cheeky “a woman sees six of her near-doppelgangers dead, she connects the dots.”

        “This could also mean that you might be the intended target,” Hotch continued, watching her “if it comes to that, we’ll have to interview you, and ask you to step away from the case.”

        “Then I best do as much as I can, shouldn’t I?” she countered “give you all the help I can. After all, he isn’t gonna wait. Though if my presence hasn’t been made public or obvious, then that might buy some time, or it might make him angry. Either way, he might slip up.”

        Watching the two talk, Rossi was both impressed and amused. Shira didn’t seem at all fazed that she might be a target. More that it seemed like fuel for her work. With her knowledge of profiling, as well, she almost sounded just like Hotch when she was talking. A quiet authority that had people listening whenever she spoke.

        “I’ll bet you’re a favorite among students,” Rossi declared, earning a pleasantly surprised smile from Shira “direct and personable. How quick do your classes fill up?”

        “Don’t even make it to the end of the first day of enrollment,” she replied, straightening up in pride “most students love having a younger teacher, and I like to think that I’m quite good at what I do.”

        Rossi smiled at that, catching a quick glance at Hotch as Shira spoke. The slight smile on the younger agent’s face was a surprise, gone just as quick as it was seen, but Rossi was certain he saw it.

        Already Rossi knew one thing for sure, about those two; Hotch was doomed, in the best way.

~

        It was late, and the team was taking a break for dinner before calling it a night. Still at the police station, in case a call came in, Chinese food and small talk were the order of the night, as a reprieve from the work throughout the day.

        Most of the talk was directed at Shira, the team wanting to get to know their consultant better.

        “One of the youngest professors at the University, huh?” Morgan huffed, smirking a bit “starting to give pretty-boy here a run for his money.”

        “Ah, I couldn’t measure up to the famous Doctor Reid,” Shira laughed “not many people who could! I was lucky to be granted one PHD.”

        “Those committees are vicious,” Reid agreed, laughing “makes staring down an unsub look like nothing, sometimes. Takes guts to stand in front of people and have them question everything about your work. Give yourself credit, Doctor Amell.”

        Shira laughed at that, dipping her head a bit in thanks at the compliment.

        “And how about your personal life?” Emily asked “any pets?”

        “One, a dog, though I definitely want more,” Shira replied “his name’s Michael. He’s a retired MWD.”

        “Adopted a military working dog?” Rossi mused “good on you. They’re loyal and incredibly smart. Malinois?”

        “German Shepard,” she answered “poor thing’s still skittish sometimes, but it makes sense. Most loyal man in my life, being the only one.”

        “No soul mate yet?” Morgan wondered, noticing Hotch starting to watch her more closely “someone as smart and pretty as you should have found him by now.”

        “Been busy,” Shira replied “master’s thesis, doctoral dissertation, books, teaching, and guest lectures. I noticeably value and show my intelligence. Most men are intimidated by that, and even if they aren’t…”

        She trailed off for a moment, sitting up and rolling her shoulder a bit, before it audibly popped. Her smile was sad as she looked to Morgan.

        “Even if they aren’t,” she continued “who would want to be saddled with all this?”

        She gestured to herself, her joints, and shrugged. Looking down as she continued eating, she missed the surprise on most everyone’s face, including Hotch.

        How much had she been through?

~

        It was early morning, and the team was preparing to leave the hotel and go back to the station.  Wanting to get in some quiet time to eat and think, Hotch made his way down to the dining room for some breakfast. Not many people were there, and he knew it wouldn’t be that way for long. Going to the coffee pots and water kettles, Hotch poured himself a mug, as someone came up beside him. Glancing over, he saw the person was in a sling, and was forced to do a double-take when he realized who it was.

        “Doctor Amell?” Hotch felt his eyebrows go into his hairline, seeing her turn to him with a confused look “your arm?”

        “It’s my shoulder, actually,” she replied, smiling sheepishly “won’t stay in easily, and it hurts. Afraid I won’t be doing any hiking today.”

        “Hopefully it won’t come to that,” he mused “I imagine it must hurt quite a bit.”

        “Nothing more than I’m used to,” she promised, reaching with her left hand for a mug “though it sucks that it’s my right, being right-handed and all.”

        Hotch watched as she grabbed the mug, reaching for a hot kettle as she picked out a tea bag. When she had the package open, and bag in the mug, he went and filled her mug for her.

        “Oh, thank you,” Shira declared, smiling, as he finished “my arm definitely couldn’t support that for long.”

        “Least I can do,” he replied “we should eat while we can, before the rest of the team wakes up.”

        The way he said ‘rest of the team’ was something she definitely noticed, yet she didn't get her hopes up. Clearly, he was referring to his relationship with the team, and not her.

        “Are you always up before the rest of them?” She asked “burden of leadership, I imagine, getting ahead of everyone so you can stay on top of your game.”

        “Doesn't help that I don't sleep much,” Hotch replied, taking her mug as they went to a table “hard to sleep in new places.”

        “Yet you're used to it, from how you're handling this,” she mused, smiling “not all professional experience, I think. Kids?”

        “Pity you weren't able to join the Bureau,” he declared, amused “just one. My son, Jack.”

        “You fight for justice and come home to your son,” Shira grinned, sitting and taking her mug with a grateful nod “a family man. Regular Captain America.”

        “Just a man raising his son on his own, trying to make the world safer for him,” Hotch countered, sitting across from her “hardly have time for much superhero work.”

        “Says the one who's basically a superhero,” she teased, smile widening as she saw him smile “your son has a wonderful role model to look up to, with you.”

        “Thank you,” he replied, dipping his head slightly “it’s been tough, especially after his mother passed, but we have a good support network.”

        “I’m sorry to hear she’s gone,” Shira declared, eyebrows knitting together as her heart went out to him “was she your…”

        “No,” Hotch shook his head “but we both didn’t think our marks were the be all, end all. Love is love and can last a lifetime no matter what, or so we thought.”

        “Nothing wrong with that,” she reassured him “I’m sure she’d be happy, when you do find the one.”

        The silence wasn’t as tense as Shira expected, and she was surprised when Hotch straightened up and looked her in the eye.

        “Doctor Amell,” he started “I wanted to apologize for my behavior back at Quantico, and on the plane. You’re here to help us, and I was disrespectful.”

        “Believe it or not, I figured it might have been out of character for you,” she replied, smiling to try and comfort him “though I had chalked it up to how bad this case is. Besides, you came around eventually. In my mind, there’s nothing to forgive, but I know it helps to hear it, so I’ll say it; I forgive you, Agent Hotchner.”

        Shira watched as his eyes softened, and a small smile came back to his face. A soft, vulnerable, almost happy glance that showed more than she was sure any of the team saw on a normal basis.

        “And please,” she continued, smiling as a twinkle came to her eye “you can call me Shira. If you want to, that is.”

        “And you can call me Hotch,” he replied, giving the smallest chuckle “the rest of the team does.”

        “The way you keep saying that,” Shira mused, slightly hesitant “it’s a bit strange…”

        “Because you feel like you’re not part of the team,” Hotch mused “that I’m just referring to their connection to me, but it’s entirely the opposite. It’s temporary and new, but you’re doing just as much work to solve this as we are. We brought you in. You’re just as much a part of the team.”

        The way her heart fluttered made Shira blush, and she smiled for him.

        “That’s sweet of you to say,” she replied “thank you, Hotch. We should probably eat something, before we head into the station. Don’t know about you, but a muffin of any kind sounds great.”

        Hotch smiled, turning to look at the tray that he could see she’d been eyeing. Going over and grabbing two, he brought them back to their table. Shira smiled wider when she saw the flavor that he brought for her.

        “Blueberry?” she asked, immediately taking the top off so she could enjoy it last.

        “Fruit tends to go better with black tea, in my opinion,” he answered, watching her closely “balances it out.”

        “Only someone who enjoys tea could come to that conclusion,” Shira laughed between bites, grinning “blueberry’s one of my favorites.”

~

       When he came down for breakfast, Rossi was distracted by thinking on the case. Yet when he heard familiar voices engaged in conversation, he was jolted to clarity. Looking around, he saw Hotch and Shira tucked into a corner, deep in conversation. The smile on Hotch’s face brought one to Rossi’s, seeing the way that the two were relaxed around each other.

       “Is that Hotch…smiling? And eating?”

       Rossi turned to see Morgan and Reid behind him, both looking equally shocked.

       “This whole case just got more interesting,” Rossi chuckled “but we’ve got work to focus on.”

       As the rest of the team came down, and everyone was able to eat something, they were getting ready to head in before Hotch got a call. Watching as he took it, expression falling, they knew it was bad news.

       “Unsub’s taken another woman,” he told them “let’s get going. We have work to do.”

◊

                “A heart worth loving is one you understand, even in silence.”                 – Shannon L. Alder

∞

[fly-pow-bye]

DuckTales 2017 - “Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks!”

Story by: Francisco Angones, Madison Bateman, Colleen Evanson, Christian Magalhaes, Bob Snow

Written by: Madison Bateman and Francisco Angones

Storyboard by: Stephanie Gonzaga, Krystal Uretra, Brandon Warren

Directed by: Matthew Humphreys

The big return we all waited for.

Apologies for anyone expecting any ThunderCats 1985 today, because my new main show is back, and I have priorities. Maybe I'll go back to ThunderCats 1985 if people really want it, but for right now, new DuckTales, woo-oo.

This brand new season starts with a Woodchuck graduation ceremony, where Scoutmaster McQuack reads a speech about how the Woodchuck's teachings mix the knowledge of the old and the discoveries of the new, and how he should not read the directions on what painting to point to. In this ceremony, the Junior Junior Woodchucks become Junior Woodchucks, the Junior Woodchucks become the Senior Junior Woodchucks, and one particular Senior Junior Woodchuck will get the highest rank a Woodchuck could have: a Senior Woodchuck. One particular Senior Junior Woodchuck is ready to receive that honor, as he managed to memorize the speech to the point where he can lip sync Launchpad's lines.

Launchpad slowly introduces this would be as a close personal friend, which signals to me that the question isn't how Huey is going to accept this honor, but what unexpected person ends up being the candidate instead.

Launchpad slowly introduces this would be as a close personal friend, which signals to me that the question isn't how Huey is going to accept this honor, but what unexpected person ends up being the candidate instead.

As expected, this star candidate is a different person than Huey thought it would be, as he slowly inches backward, and that candidate is...Violet! I can imagine some pushback for this twist, as even Huey questions how Violet would be a star candidate if she never been to any Woodchuck Jamborees. Huey has always seen himself as the greatest Junior Woodchuck since the beginning of the show, and now this relatively new character that barely did anything special and was mostly just Webby 2 is now going to usurp Huey's throne?

Well, not really. It turns out, Huey ends up being the second star candidate, though Launchpad only seems to know him as Dewey's brother. The Scoutmaster declares that the two candidates must race in the Junior Woodchuck Wilderness Challenge! The crowd cheers the favorite's name, and unfortunately for Huey, it's not him. Everyone loves Violet!

Going away from that for a bit, we have to talk about the theme song, as Season 3, much like Season 2, has a twist on the opening theme. Aside from having to shorten it for this episode, Della Duck appears along with her family now. Now that she's established herself as a character in this series, and not just a shocking plot twist, it's only fitting she appears now. Hopefully we’ll get to see where she fits in the full opening if this season ever has it.

As Huey ponders about his existence as only being the second choice for being a Senior Woodchuck, Scrooge looks fondly at the same painting Launchpad was told to point to. Louie knows where this is going.

Louie: Cute story about Scrooge as a lad in three, two, one...

That painting is of legendary explorer Isabella Finch, and Scrooge read a collection of her adventures as a wee lad. This even includes some more of those well drawn Golden Book-esque illustrations of him as a kid reading her book and Finch herself proving her legendary status. She was a legend even to Scrooge McDuck, a legend in his own right, and Scrooge says that her legacy should be respected. He shows this by grabbing the map she was holding in it, shocking everyone in the room.

He calms down the kids by saying she totally meant for someone to grab that hidden map right from the painting. He just wants to respect her legacy by finding a treasure she decided to hide. This leads to a B plot, which I will talk about later.

Back to the A plot, the big challenge is described: race to each trail marker, put their flag on them, and survive with the help with their knowledge of the Woodchucks until they reach the final marker on the mountain's peak. Whoever gets their flag on the last trail marker wins the coveted Senior Woodchuck status. There is another stipulation that really hits Huey hard: it's not an open-book challenge, as McQuack already confiscated it earlier. This does add to the tension: he always carried the Woodchuck Guidebook with him and consulted its guidance, but can Huey pass a test without its help?

Huey seems to think so, as he was born ready for this. At least, that's what he tells himself and his opponent, and Violet isn't exactly swayed by this. In fact, she says that he is as ready as a helpless baby. Lena told her that friendly smack-talk is good for competition. Huey, remembering his sportsmanship, doesn't take the insult and instead holds out his hand for a handshake to start this friendly competition. They don't quite get that handshake going before Scoutmaster McQuack blows his airhorn, and that might be some foreshadowing.

As the race begins, Scrooge, Donald, Della, and the kids that are not named Huey go out in an expedition for the hidden treasure of Isabella Finch. Unfortunately for Scrooge, this dancing, whistling bird keeps popping up with a distracting song that Dewey can't help but dance to. Scrooge is annoyed by the bird, as much as everyone else thinks the bird is the word. No, they didn't license that song, thankfully.

That's really it for B plot, to be honest. There is a good amount of convergence of the two plots throughout this episode, but it doesn't really amount to much until the very end. It wasn’t that I was dreading these scenes, as there are some good moments here and there, but otherwise, eh.

Huey ends up thinking, only to find that not only has Violet managed to get to the first marker, and not only did Violet have enough time to write Huey a letter saying that if he's holding the letter, he's in second place, she even stood on by to ask Huey if that was good smack talk. Huey is angered by this, and throws the crumpled up letter to the ground...which he then has to pick up, because littering the environment is not what a Boy Scout should do. It is easy to notice Huey isn't doing very well at this without his almighty guidebook, and this is taking a toll even on his ability to be a good Woodchuck.

The obstacle before the next trail marker is rain. Not just any rain either, but the Lightning Rain of Chimpopo, as described by Scrooge in the B plot. That's the convergence; since they're exploring the same ground, it only makes sense that they go through the same obstacles and deal with them in different ways. Also, Chimpopo? Not the first thing I thought I heard, as someone who watched South Park.

Huey does run across some rubber plant, which would help him with this lightning rain, but he struggles to get it off of the ground. Violet, who already has a makeshift helmet, even helps him out by telling him to. She doesn't really have an understanding of how competitions or sick burns work, and Huey is losing his understanding of how to be a good sport and how to survive in the wilderness, as he eventually gets lost. If only there was some sort of guidebook somewhere else, not necessarily a literal guidebook...

...but the guidebook that rests in his own mind. It even talks, calling himself J.W. Guidebook, and giving him helpful hints like putting a stick in the ground and following the sun via that stick's shadow. With that imaginary guidebook that represents his inner knowledge after studying the book for so long, nothing can stop him now.

Then a bear shows up. Once again, a regular bear. I wonder if their existence is going to come up when Baloo makes his appearance. Hey, it's not a spoiler if he appeared on the poster. Anyway, he ends up using rope to climb a nearby tree, knowing that Violet wouldn't figure that one out.

Of course, she did figure that one out, though this time he managed to do it at the same time. Violet calms him down with another bit of trash talk, courtesy of her friend Lena.

Violet: If it makes you feel better, Lena told me "first is the worst and second is the best." Though, factually that's wrong by any metr...iiiick! (branch breaks)

Thankfully for her, she lands on a different branch, one that happened to have a beehive that she can chop off the tree and cause the bear to run away. Is that really a Junior Woodchuck thing to do, though? It's not like they're cutting down trees, but this seems pretty bad for the bees. It solves the problem anyway, so who cares.

Unfortunately, she does get stuck on that branch, as there's no branch nearby to rope to. According to J.W., this is a perfect chance for Huey to prove his memorization of the Woodchuck rules, as "Me Rule 17" states that a Woodchuck looks out for their fellow Woodchucks.

Unfortunately, following the guidebook's guidance is nothing compared to his unwillingness to let Violet take his throne as the nerdiest of the nerds, as Louie put it, and he decides to leave Violet behind. Huey finds out that Violet is able to find a way up the tree without his help, using a woodpecker, so it's totally fine. Right from this scene, I could already tell how this flag race was going to end.

I may not have expected this, though. The final trial marker on top of the mountain is behind a bridge over a volcano. Okay, is this the Junior Woodchucks, or this is Battle Royale? I could believe that the lightning rain or potential bear attacks were not planned, and the Woodchucks were supposed to be prepared for this, but putting a rickety bridge over lava as the final test? Makes me wonder if Launchpad has something to hide.

After getting a guilt trip from his own head-book, Huey decides not to test the bridge to see if it would even hold up his weight. Sure, it's only been roasting over a volcano for the last however many years this challenge existed, but time is of the essence!

Sure enough, Huey's lack of preparedness leads to his literal downfall. Wow, what a way to start the season. Not only is Violet going to be the new Senior Woodchuck, I guess Violet has to be the new Huey too.

No, they reveal after the commercial break that of course Huey survives, hanging off of the bridge. Angones did promise someone was going to die, and this episode does deliver on that, but it wasn't going to be Huey. Watch the episode if you want to find out about that.

Huey has to show off by using the rope he had earlier as a tightrope. Wow, it really is the Eliminator from the Simpsons, except that was only over a bunch of thorns!

They at the very least know what convection currents are, as Violet ends up using them to power a makeshift hang-glider. Also, Huey has to dodge some fire, which would be perfect inspiration for a video game level. Eventually, even when he finally decides to do the same formation Lisa did with that very similar obstacle in an outright evil military school, Huey slips off. Is this the end?

Of course not. Violet ends up saving Huey, reminding him of the Junior Woodchuck rule to always help out their fellow woodchucks. As Huey realizes, that was a rule that he ignored, and he sees himself as someone who isn't a true Woodchuck unlike Violet. He almost considers throwing his Junior Woodchuck sash in the lava. Thankfully, he was convinced not to do that by Violet. How? By telling him throwing away your former achievements is kind of silly?

One thing that convinces Huey is that there happens to be a "failure" Junior Woodchuck badge, and she got at least one of them. She says she had failed many times before now, and with those failures, she has learned to be the best. It's a little bit less than winning the whole thing, but he accepts the fate anyway, as his guilt wouldn't let him put the flag on. That badge is not nearly as random as it seems; being able to accept failure is a virtue, and that's something Huey gets to learn.

As he lets Violet put the flag on the final trail marker, the little section in the middle of the volcano lowers into a cavern, where Scoutmaster Launchpad is ready to divvy out the award. I was almost expecting a twist where they reveal the volcano wasn't real. I guess that wouldn't explain the lightning rain, though. Or the actual convection currents that were coming off of it. We don't really get that.

Huey accepts his failure badge from Scoutmaster McQuack, coming right from his own sash which even has a compartment of the many, many times he has failed, and Violet becomes the new Senior Woodchuck. Della Duck isn't too happy that her son didn't get the big prize of the episode, and has to be calmed down. After having to experience lightning rain and bears, I couldn't blame her. In the end, everyone is happy.

Proud of this achievement are two characters that, almost like a certain ogre cop from a recent Disney movie, say absolutely nothing and can easily be removed from the scene with no harm done to the plot. It is a shame that Disney couldn't go any further with the LGBT representation without having to gut the entire episode for other countries, but I'll take anything we can get at this point.

It turns out that, by accepting the annoying bird, it led them right to the treasure they were looking for, much to Scrooge's delight and slight confusion! What was the treasure? All I can say is that we end with a tease that is basically the same as the tease from the last episode, though it comes with essentially a preview of what's to come. Watch the episode for more details on that.

How does it stack up?

There's really nothing wrong with this episode. Despite giving me a feeling in the beginning of the episode, it didn't make me hate Webby 2, er, Violet. Honestly, considering this season was teased to be the "Huey gets to learn something" season, it's not a bad opener to start with. It's just not extraordinary.

Same deal with the ThunderCats reviews: DuckTales 2017 will get the out of 5 rating system as well. I'm tired of giving "low happies" and "low neutrals", they're 4s and 2s, respectively. Meet the new rating system, where I rate 1 to 5 Scrooges. Remember: I do rate on a relative scale, and DuckTales, along with the legacy of the Disney Ducks, is usually good. This one is merely a 3.

Next, TGIF. Or, TGIS, in this case.

← Moonvasion! 🦆 Quack Pack! →

[deadlifts-and-derrida]

Learning to Grow

There's a scene in the 90's animated Spider-Man where Eddie Brock, the human host of the Venom symbiote, is lifting weights in his run-down New York apartment. He's shirtless, bench pressing what looks like an impressive weight. The camera runs over his arms and torso as he recites, between grunts, a litany of wrongs, imagined and real, that Spider-Man has visited upon him. There are brief flashbacks with each item on the list, played out semi-opaque in front of his sweaty muscular torso. As each one fades and we see him clear, his muscles appear to pulse and swell. He's getting bigger and bigger as the scene goes on, muscles engorging with each repetition, each up and down of the loaded bar he's bench-pressing.

This scene captivated me as a child. Any time this episode came up in re-runs I'd be glued to the TV, would find some excuse to go into another room and sneakily turn on a separate television, away from my family, even if it meant watching it on a smaller, less modern set.

I knew I loved muscle before I saw this scene. I even doubt this was the first time I saw a depiction of where muscles came from. This first aired in 1994. I would have been 11. Surely I knew muscles came from working out before I saw this. But it felt like some previously unconnected parts of my brain were suddenly wired together.

If you want to have muscles you have to lift weights!

*

My mom had two blue dumbbells at home. I think she bought them to use at the Step Aerobics class she went to every Thursday night in the gymnasium of the local elementary school, the same school I attended. They were 5 lbs each. I'm sure they would look small to me now. They looked big to me then.

They came with a folded up paper diagram of exercises you could do with the dumbbells. It featured a line drawing of an absurdly muscular man (these are FIVE POUND DUMBBELLS and he looks like a professional bodybuilder!), shirtless, wearing a pair of short shorts. Of course I was attracted to this line drawing. But I remember taking these little blue dumbbells and trying to use them to get bigger and stronger. I tried to use the piano bench to do chest flies. I did lots of bicep curls. I don't think I ever did anything for my back and my legs - classic clueless young man, only exercising the muscles he can see, the ones that look good in a t-shirt.

I didn't go about this in any regimented fashion. They were sporadic attempts. I didn't yet realize how frequently you had to work out to see results. I didn't realize how to organize a weightlifting session at the gym, how to program it to achieve hypertrophy (or, in lay terms, bigger muscles). I thought of it like it was a role-playing game, like if you lifted weights you'd add a little EXP to your STR bar, and eventually it'd level up even if you weren't systematic about it.

So of course I don't think mom's two blue 5 lbs dumbbells did much for me.

*

There was no commercial or public gym in my hometown, nor one within a 100 km drive. There were some private gyms, in people's basements and such. My little hometown, which had about 5,000 people living in it when I was in my early teens, somehow produced four provincial bodybuilding champions to my knowledge, including Newfoundland's only internationally successful professional bodybuilder to date. Fewer than 1% of the province's population. We certainly over-performed in this aspect.

And then there was me. Absolutely nothing to look at. But burning with a desire that I felt ashamed of, felt like I should keep it hidden. Bodybuilding was all around me and I didn't say anything, didn't give any indication that it interested me. Two of those four provincial champions were my next-door neighbours, one of them a year older than me, one of them a year younger than me. It never occured to me to even try to train with them.

I was an awkward nerd. I knew I was gay. I hadn't told anyone. But bullies called me every word you can call a gay kid, because, well, they were bullies.

So I didn't connect with the budding bodybuilders around me. I never lifted in one of the basements where so many successful bodybuilding careers began.

I did pushups sporadically in my bedroom and hoped it would be enough.

Of course it wasn't. Forcing the body to build more metabolically expensive muscle tissue than it absolutely needs is one of the most difficult things to do. A few pushups in your bedroom and a protein-poor diet (I was vegetarian but I wasn't one of the "good kind" who research proper diet) won't cut it.

*

In my second term at University, the Field House opened. This was a new athletic facility. There was some controversy in student circles that we were all being levied a $40/semester fee to pay for the Field House - but in return, we all had access to the facility. We just had to show our student card.

Stress, bad eating, and a post-exam bout of mononucleosis had left me about 145 lbs at this point. I'm 6' tall. There was no muscle on me to speak of - though skinny, I had no abs, no definition in my arms and legs. My arms measured 10" around.

So, although all my leftist friends were angry about the Field House levy, I was secretly happy about it. Finally, I had access to a gym.

I didn't research what to do. I didn't ask for help in making a plan.

For weeks, I went in and ran on the treadmill.

I remember an article by another gay writer about body image, muscles, and exercise. He describes running on the treadmill while dreaming of himself as finally having that muscular body he's long wanted to have.

Now, I want to give the guy a shake and ask him what the hell he's doing on a treadmill if he wants muscles. That's like practicing piano and hoping it'll make you a better cook. But back then - I was that guy.

*

There was a little alcove in the Field House next to the cardio room that had some air-powered resistance machines. I started to use those. I doubt I used them well. No one taught me form. I didn't look it up. This was 2002 - YouTube, a great resource for this kind of thing, was years away.

But it was better than nothing. My diet, still appalling and low in protein, did get a little better as my palate expanded and I learned, on a semester in England in 2003, that I liked and could prepare chicken and fish.

My arms were 12" around. This is still small. It's nowhere near Eddie Brock. But it's better than 10".

*

I was like a timid deer slowly being tamed. Toward the end of my undergraduate degree, I began going to the Strength and Conditioning Centre, in the basement of the old Phys Ed building, where the actual lifters and bodybuilders on campus went.

But I was not yet either of those things.

I was still ashamed of my desires, couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for help, to acquire the practical knowledge I needed if I was ever going to achieve the kind of progress I wanted.

So even though there was a freeweight section full of huge burly men lifting impressive weights, I kept to the machines and the dumbbells. Lateral raises (probably done badly), cable flies (probably done badly), tricep pushdowns (probably done badly), dips and pullups (almost certainly done badly), lat pulldowns (I only ever felt these in my forearms). I never did a bench press. I never did a squat. I don't think I even knew what a deadlift was.

I ate like I was lifting big weights and having gruelling workouts, though. So, in other words, I got chubby and my muscles more or less stayed the same, after those newbie gains earned in the alcove of the Field House with the air-powered machines. I did not look like I lifted weights. I certainly didn't look like a bodybuilder.

*

My mid and late 20s were full of periods where I had no gym access. I ran during those times, every second day. I got fitter, my body firmed up, I felt better. I was also physically suited to middle distance running. But I was smaller, during those times, and I wanted to be bigger.

When I did have gym access I continued to lift poorly, without doing any compound movements (bench, squat, deadlift, overhead press, etc). And I ate to grow, but it was a lot of low quality food. So, during those times, my body got softer. I told myself I was bulking, but my muscles didn't get bigger. My arms were still about 12" or 13", depending on which of these two modes I was existing in.

I still lived in dread of someone discovering how much I wanted to be a huge muscular freak. How I fed my imagination on a steady diet of enormous bodybuilders, folders with thousands of jpgs saved from the internet, treasured memories of the rare times I'd seen a truly huge muscular man out in the wild, in person. Walking in the mall, lying on a blanket in the park, in the checkout line at the supermarket.

I would sometimes fantasize about finding some almost empty bottle of steroids in the locker room. Maybe just one or two pills left. At the time I erroneously thought all steroids were pills - I didn't know anything about steroids at all, at this point. I just knew they made guys big. In this fantasy, I would take the one or two pills I found, and it would make me slightly more muscular than I was. Perhaps 5% more. And that would be enough to make me happy without anyone realizing anything. Of course, it doesn't work that way.

*

I wasn't entirely clueless. In 2009, I started a PhD at the University of Toronto, and had access to its excellent gym facilities. By then I knew I had to do compound movements like bench press and squat. I started to learn how. I didn't seek out help, though, and I definitely should have. Also, a PhD is very demanding on your time. I was following a "split" (how you organize your workouts through the week) appropriate for someone lifting 4-5 times a week, but I was lucky if I got in 2 or 3 times (which, frankly, isn't enough to see much progress regardless of your "split"). 10 or 12 days would go by between chest workouts, between back workouts, between leg workouts.

I suppose I made some progress. Not much. I may have deluded myself into thinking it was more than it was, because I had been going to the gym, in some capacity, for 7 years, and I wanted to have something to show for it.

In early 2012, me and my then-boyfriend drove to his father's in South Carolina. I had just turned 29. I was planning on using the fact we were traveling to buy steroids online. I was paranoid that my IP address could be tracked if I did it at home and it would be safer to do it from some hotel room in Pennsylvania.

I realized, when in a hotel room in Pennsylvania trying to buy steroids online, that I didn't know enough about any of that to actually go through with it. I hadn't done my research. Looking back, my naivete is laughable. Now, if I encountered someone like the person I used to be trying to buy steroids, I would try my best to discourage them for a large number of reasons. One, you, past Michael, clearly don't know how to train and eat to grow; that being the case, all steroids will do is upset your endocrine system's natural balance and increase some health risks without actually giving you the benefits you want. Secondly, you don't know a thing about them. What kind are you going to buy? The answer better be testosterone enanthate or testosterone cypionate; test only for a beginner's cycle. Do you know proper injection technique? Don't even think about an oral-only cycle! Do you know what an AI is? It's an aromatase inhibitor, a drug that prevents most of the negative side effects people associate with steroid use, which ironically come from elevated estrogen, a side effect of elevated tesoterone - you did know that, didn't you? Do you know what PCT is? It's Post Cycle Therapy, drugs people take once they have finished their cycle of steroids to help restart their body's natural hormone production, which is disrupted by steroids. You knew steroids would shut down your natural testosterone production, right?

Luckily, I realized I wasn't ready, and didn't go through with my plan. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, did I think I could just type "buy steroids" into google? OK, yes, you can actually do that, but it's not a good idea. There are plenty of people out there willing to make a quick buck selling snake oil to idiots like me, and even if they sold me legitimate gear, I wasn't ready for it and had no idea how to use it safely and responsibly, as outlined above.

*

In January of 2013, my parents, always solidly middle class, suddenly became very wealthy, and they passed some of this on to me. I had never made more than $25,000 in a year, and suddenly twice that was sitting in my bank account, with more to come.

One of the things I splurged on was a DEXA scan. It cost $125. You lay still on the bed of a device, and a mechanical arm slowly passes over your whole body twice. It takes about ten minutes. it is the most accurate body composition scan currently available.

I wanted to know how well my efforts in the gym had paid off.

Not at all, it turned out.

I was 184 lbs. This was in the "normal" BMI range for someone 6' tall. But I was 25.1% bodyfat. For a man, obesity is considered anything over 25%. I was the opposite of a bodybuilder. Bodybuilders have obese BMI but very low bodyfat percentages. I had normal BMI but an obese bodyfat percentage.

My lean body mass was only 138 lbs. If I was lean like a bodybuilder, I wouldn't even weigh 150 lbs. I had been going to the gym for 11 years and I had almost nothing to show for it - maybe 10 or 15 lbs of muscle gained from the underfed just-over-a-bout-of-mono 19 year old who first stepped into a gym in 2002.

This was a kick in the pants. Luckily it motivated me. I reformed my diet. No more pizza and burritos except as very occasional treats. Cut way way way back on the booze. Running in the morning every second day, lifting weights every day I didn't run.

I got married in June. I weighed 170 lbs and my bodyfat was down to 19%. I was losing fat without losing muscle, possibly because there was very little muscle to lose.

We went on an extended summer wedding tour, had wedding parties on both coasts. I relaxed a little but didn't give up fully.

And that September, enabled by having some money, emboldened by finally achieving a little success, spurred on by turning 30 and realizing that if I didn't start to do this right then my dream of being a bodybuilder would never come to pass, I hired a trainer.

And on our first meeting, I told him: I want to get as big as I possibly can.

And he said let's get to work.

[mountain-of-divine-fire]

Crystal skulls. Whats the appeal? & Their ancient, phony history. 💀☠️💀☠️

Disclaimer: Most of my posts about magic are my personal craft, and my opinions. I hope they inspire you in your craft, but as always, they are just opinions. my word is not the authority , and neither is any other blog post.

The history

If you want some well sourced and better written information on how these skulls came about, I suggest the wikipedia article for crystal skulls.

In the early 1900′s, there was a trend of the occult, adventuring, archaeology, and treasure. This resulted in a lot of fake artifacts that people produced solely for fame and fortune, and a lot of frauds.  (similar things come to mind, like the Ica stones, Ectoplasm photography,The trade of shrunken heads, and pretty much anything to do with Ed and Lorraine warren, in my opinion at least.) 

Tldr, think about stuff like the plot of the disney tarzan movie. White dudes, trying to make money off of some culture theyre actively harming.

Theres a lot of “history” about them being Mesoamerican artifacts, important in aztec, inca, and whoever else they've decided to pass it to’s religious practices and magical rituals, but this is simply not true. There probably have been skull shaped idols/icons in the past, but these perfect, “ancient aliens” style , magical, all knowing , perfectly carved crystal skulls were made up purely to sensationalize them. Anything about getting “all 13″ or however many together for some ritual,, i call BS. 

Most modern carved skulls might have had these older ones in mind when they were made, but truly, have nothing to do with them.

(a modern skull that was originally passed off as an artifact, who resides in the British museum)

So whats the appeal of modern skulls? 

First of all, from a lapidary standpoint, skulls are challenging and fun to carve! having a style, giving it an expression, the markings that end up on it from the inclusions in the stone, all very fun for someone who cuts stones. Its simply art, even if you dont use them for anything else. alot of the time, due to the quality of the materials, and the effort that went into their creation, they end up higher end of the price range. Its worth it if youre willing. 

In magic, the skull shape is symbolic of many things. of the self, mankind, of consciousness, maybe a memento mori, or a figure to represent death or the cycles, for retaining knowledge, or maybe just for ancestor worship. (And probably more im overlooking.) They have so many uses and are very versatile just for their symbolic meaning. Skull candles are also very good for magic no matter what kind of magic it is.

This next part is something ive learned/realized in my work~

The skull shape also gives the crystal spirit a stronger personality. by giving the crystal a Human-ish shape, or one that represents us at least, it can easier express itself in terms a human can understand. Crystal skulls a lot of the time are more talkative and opinionated than regular crystal spirits, simply because now they have a link, and a way to relate to humans a bit better. Another part of this is because a human put work and effort into making it, and the love that comes with the craft contributes to its personality and strength. 

These skulls are known to be knowledgeable. If you have questions, try asking a crystal skull. 

A lot of skulls have their own likes and dislikes, and relationships. One skull might name itself the protector ,mother, or leader of a group of skulls. They might have likes and dislikes concerning the way you cleans them, what music to listen to, who should be put where, And the fairness of house spirit rules.

(my sisters skull, the dumortierite with the mask on the left there, wasnt fond of my rules when i put them into place. just try and work it out with them if they have any scruples.) 

Crystal skulls are good to have as companions for those who want to start spirit work, but start somewhere kinda small. Theyre a step up from plant spirits, but are probably easier than more complex spirits. They help in divination and meditation because of their opinions, and in general, theyre just really fun. Even if you start out off put by the imagery of a skull, try adding one to your family. You might just find that youve fallen in love. I didnt buy my first skull, it was given to me as a gift,i never considered getting one. But ever since then my family has steadily grown.

Good ole grainy pic of my little family. Left to right, Doomy, Princip, Seft, Jasper (whom isnt a jasper), And Tibbs! theres still room for more on my shelf, too~

~~~~~~

Like the ideas in my Crystal spirits post ,Which you should totally check out if you dont know how to work with crystals, btw,  These skulls work the same way as regular crystals. once you get to know them for a while, ive found most of the time they WILL give you their name, if they have one. If you have problems trying to work with crystals, get you a skull. they seem to be much stronger. 

Certain crystals might have preferred roles. Some like to work in healing magic, some like to help in divination, some may help in grounding/warding/protecting, and some may just like to hang around with you just for fun.

There are also other shaped skulls, some looking like aliens,some being bird skulls,  some having decorative carvings on them, or druzy body horror aspects  (my seftonite up there, the big guy, has a snake on his head~)

Im sure other folk use these crystals in different ways, but personally, thats how i work with them. 

 What if I think skulls are spooky and gross, and i dont want them in my craft!

Dont be scared when i tell you this, sit down for a sec. Grab your own hand. Poke at it a bit, Feel that? The hard stuff? That means youve got a skeleton in you, Right now! Dont be scared of them, we all have one. Theyre pretty neat.

Im mostly jokeing, but being grossed out by something that helps you live is kind of funny~ 

I know skulls are given a bad rep. some known as “deaths head”,and in the instance of one crystal skulls in specific, “the skull of doom” . Because they can be used to do hexes/curses, and predict/cause deaths. But most of this is because of the aforementioned sensationalism. Skulls bring up ideas like death and decay, evil, and general bad omens. some people just dont like looking at things that are considered “gorey” or “macabre”. but let me sway you to think about it on both of the sides. Anything symbolizing death also comes with the ideas of rebirth and regrowth. Anything negative must be analyzed to find the positives. Even if you “CAN” theoretically use them in negative magic, you dont HAVE to.

💀☠️💀☠️ 💀☠️💀☠️ 💀☠️💀☠️ 💀☠️💀☠️ 💀☠️💀☠️ 💀☠️💀☠️

If youve found this post as a magic user who was unsure but curious about skulls, i hope youve come away with some more knowledge on how to work with them/their history. 

If youve stumbled upon this post somehow because you are a parent, and are concerned for your kids obsession with “morbid” things, or possibly that they are a practicing magic user, just be aware they are probably just exploring their creativity and bringing positivity to the world.

A lot of things you can use crystal skulls for, is the same or similar as candle skulls, and real bones. (the discussion of bone magic and the ethical problems with owning actual remains, whether human or animal, is for another time, and definitely not for this post. I only work with crystals and candles and therefore dont have a dog in that fight.) 

And after all, if you dont WANT a skull. you dont absolutely need one. But i would definitely recommend trying them at least once. most of the time they are friendly, and willing to help. I hope this post made at least a little bit of coherent sense. 

Admin Fifa~

[jayykesley]

8-10, 16-22 for ALL OF YOUR OCS FROM "THE APPRENTICES" (really the main ones: Carson, Lorelei, Derick, Rosalyn, Roswell, and a bonus OC of your choice)

8. What clothing style?

Lorelei: Very girly, so she wearsprimarily dresses and skirts and high heels. Kind of a sparkly-girly-librariantype of look? Pockets added to everything obviously, as well as tulle or lacetrim, just to make any outfit have that little extra SomethingTM.

Carson: His style is likecombination lumberjack-slash-fifties(?) look, like he’s got the rugged jeansand the white t-shirt with the short sleeves rolled up just below the shouldersand the red plaid overshirt. He prefers casual, loose-fitting clothes. Allabout comfort and mobility and wearing things until they fall apart.

Derick: Because of his childhood andthe culture he grew up in, Derick’s style consists mainly of dress pants andfitted button-ups w/ vests/suspenders/ties/etc. Not always particularlycomfortable, but he feels sorely underdressed and out-of-place in anythingless.

Rosalyn: If a piece of clothing fitsher larger frame, and can hide stains for at least a little while, Rosalyn willwear it. Mostly wears sleeveless shirts, or cuts the sleeves off, because shehas broad shoulders and large arms that don’t always fit comfortably in theshirts she finds. Has like one (1) pair of loose cargo pants that she’s beenwearing for literal years and refuses to get rid of. Neutral colors mostly soshe doesn’t have to think about matching stuff.

Roswell: I imagine him wearingregular old jeans, but with either comfy sweaters or fun graphic tees that hegets his hands on. He’s not picky about clothing, but he does like to have funso his shirts are always brightly colored with reds or yellows or purples.

Valentina/Violet (I can’t land on aname for her for some reason): Similar to Lorelei, in that she’s very girly,but definitely not “librarian chic”. Vibrant pinks, glitter, maybe some furoccasionally if she’s going out? Crop tops are a definite staple in her closet.

9. What is their favourite foodafter a break-up?

Lorelei: Her favorite comfort food,especially after getting her heart broken, would probably be frozen yogurt or agiant cinnamon bun glazed in icing. Something sweet and filling that you mightnot have on a daily basis.

Carson: Soft pretzels nachos, pasta,just something that is absolutely soggy in melted cheese.

Derick: Not so much food, but wineor some other alcoholic drink that would make him forget how bad he feels abouthimself

Rosalyn: Red meat, which is what sheeats a lot of to begin with, but just way way more stuff those badfeelings away

Roswell: Candy. He’d just shoveldown handfuls of jolly ranchers and licorice, ignoring how gross he feels veryquickly after doing this

V: Chocolate covered strawberriesand caramel apples and every sweet thing she shared with the boy because shedoesn’t need him to enjoy things she doesn’t miss him she never evencared that much about him to begin with--

10. Their favourite thing to doafter a break-up?

 Lorelei/V: Watch bad movies togetherand have a girls night: popcorn, ice cream, probably watch Legally Blonde. Oneis always right there ready to comfort the other when it seems like thingsmight go sorrow.

 Carson: He throws himself into a newproject, whether that’s working on Bonnie, his car, or crafting something outof wood. Carson gets attached and wears his heart on his sleeve, so no matterhow short the relationship was, he’s probably hurting quite a lot. When hefeels like he’s got a handle on the situation, then he can talk to Lorelei andwork on moving on.

 Derick: Just gets real depressed andsleeps/watches TV a lot. Leaves the house/showers/cleans even less than usual.Eventually he’ll get out of his funk, but it might take him a while.

Rosalyn: Probably trains to workthrough her emotions; first she’s angry because she feels like that personwasted her time, then she feels embarrassed for letting herself be hopeful likethat, then angry again... it’s a vicious cycle, and one she’s working on.

Roswell: Cry and talk to literallyanyone who will listen. Obviously everybody is more than happy to be hisshoulder to cry on, but Roswell bounces back about as quickly as he fell forthe girl in the first place.

 16. Their favourite comfort food?

Same as the break-up food, comfort food is really what I was thinking ofwhen I answered that question

17. What’s a food they hate?

Lorelei: Probably something likemeat loaf? It’s cheap, somewhat filling, and easy to make so it’s often whather mother used to make when she was a child. It wasn’t bad necessarily, buthaving multiple times a week for years has made her nauseous at the thought ofit

Carson: There really isn’t a lotCarson won’t eat. Originally Victor wasn’t a very good chef, so Carson wasresigned to eating either burnt/undercooked meals or microwave dinners for hischildhood. Maybe something like liver he might refuse.

Derick: He’ll eat meat, but he won’teat meat that still resembles the animal when it was alive -- fish that isn’tfried or in some way no longer resembles fish, he won’t eat. Doesn’t eatchicken legs or anything like that either.

Rosalyn: Bread. Specifically, whitebread. No one can figure out why, but Rosalyn absolutely positively will notconsume plain white bread. Everyone thinks its some big thing, but she swearsup and down it’s just that it grosses her out.

Roswell: Again, eats nearlyeverything. Maybe won’t eat oatmeal, because that’s just sloppy slime andRoswell can’t do that

V: Microwave meals that taste likemicrowave meals (which obvi is 99% of them). She swears she can taste theplastic film in the food.

18. Their music taste?

Lorelei/V: Love radio-pop. Ifeel like they’d both be huge fans of people like Ariana Grande and Ed Sheeranand people like that

Carson: He’s a sucker for 80′s and90′s rock and pop; Survivor, Billy Joel, Britney Spears, all that good stuff

Derick: Not really picky aboutmusic? Usually just listens to whatevers on. Probably a secret Emo Kid

Rosalyn: Really prefers classicalinstrumental music. She doesn’t zone out often, but instrumental music helpsher relax the few times she feels she’s allowed to.

Roswell: Would probably be reallyinto disco and/or Disney soundtracks?? Also a huge musical nerd, so Broadwaysoundtracks are his JAM

19.Is there a story behind their name/meaning?

Lorelei: I thought that “Lorelei”was a very pretty name and that it was a shame more characters weren’t calledthat. “Bullock” was a placeholder until I settled on her “real” last name, butBullock stuck so

Carson: Intended to remind me thathe would resemble Carswell Thorne in personality/serve as a place holder aswell (he’s changed a bit from his original design). “Davies” is the last nameof one of the original inspirations for the character Peter Pan, and was toserve as a reminder that Carson is a more relaxed, care-free person

Derick: No special meaning, justcame to me moments after I decided he was birthed from my mind-hole and thename has stuck ever since.

Rosalyn: Saw that picture that Ialways use as my face-claim for her, instantly decided she was either a“Rosalyn” or a “Rosalind”. I went with Rosalyn because, i dunno i just thoughtit fit her better.

Roswell: Originally he was going tobe called “Brandon” or something similar, but I came across the name “Roswell”and thought “oh yeah thatd be funny, Rosalyn and Roswell” and, well, as withevery character, the name just stuck

Violet/Valentina: Originally“Violet”, but I’ve since done some work on her character and feel that“Valentina” fits her better, but my mind is still latched onto “Violet”, soI’ve been calling her V for the time being.

20.Something they do that seems childish to others?

Lorelei/V: Not childish per se, butpeople might think them immature since they really like fashion and makeup andpretty things

Carson: Sings to himself constantly.

Derick: It might seem childish tosomeone who’s never owned a pet, but oh my gosh the flip-flopping betweenbaby-talking to Ragsy, and having a full-on real conversation with her

Rosalyn: Pinky promises. Not onlydoes she hold promises as Law, but pinky promises are the Highest Law

Roswell: His long run-on sentencesand tendency to speak rapidly in giant chunks. He can come off like an excitedlittle kid, but really he just hasn’t lost his sense of wonder for the world.

21.What is their all-time favourite TV show?

Lorelei: Great British Bake Off.I’ve never personally seen it, but it sounds like something she’d love XD

Carson: How It’s Made

Derick: Painting with Bob Ross

Rosalyn: Ancient Aliens

Roswell: I sat here for ten minutesand i genuinely cannot think of what his favorite show would be, so thanksHobbs XD

V: Catfish

22. What is their all-time favoritemovie?

Lorelei: 2005 Pride and Prejudice

Carson: HSM 2

Derick: All Dogs Go To Heaven/Aristocats

Rosalyn: National Treasure

Roswell: Jungle Book

V: Black Panther (because she’s real into Michael B. Jordan)

Sorry this is late, but I wanted to give real good answers. Thanks!

[akwablu-blog]

Friends to Lovers AU! C.Seungcheol

>> Masterlist

———

You met a long time ago, the typical childhood friend type

He was one of those sporty kids, popular amongst the young grasshoppers

Was getting way too serious about the phys ed game and you were not having it

You told him off

“It’s just a game! Idiot Seungcheol! Stop being so stubborn!”

From then on it was an odd respect/leader thing in which Seungcheol wanted to get to know you because you were kinda badass

It becomes a weird mutual friendship thing eventually

You just stick there

He grows out of the sporty kid thing into a really nice guy, popular, still quite built from those days, really good at like everything

His biggest thing though

Is how damn close he is to you still

Despite the fact that literally every kid would be excited to have him as a friend

Middle school-ish area

He starts dating and you assume you will become a third wheel now, which you definitely want to avoid

Of course it’s not an easy place not with him, you manage to make some friends and drift away from him somewhat

Meanwhile

His partner is so damn sick of hearing about you

Somehow Seungcheol makes the mistake of speaking obsessively about his friend and

Gets dumped

You and he return to sort-of friends but you’ve become invested in your other circle and you share a lot of common interests, more than Seungcheol

Seungcheol doesn’t know why his young middle school aged heart hurts

Thinks he’s just lonely

Gets into another relationship with this person he’s like “they’re kinda cute?” But nothing more

Watches you and a male from your friend group as you start getting really close

You’ve been walking around with said male holding his hand, you’re not into him and it’s just a thing you agreed to, but Seungcheol is thinking

No

This cannot happen

Buries himself in schoolwork and doesn’t talk to you

High school comes around

Boy you’re getting old

Your group isn’t around anymore, including the certain guy, and Seungcheol feels safe to return to you

It’s then that whoops

He realises

He fucking loves you

So much

It took that time away from you for him to realise what exactly you were to him

He really really loves you

Seungcheols external side doesn’t change at all, everyone and you believe that he’s the same guy

But inside there is honestly such a big firestorm

The slightest touch and his head is full of thoughts about you, panicking about everything

Is his hand sweaty now that you’re holding it? Did he hug too loosely and you’re suspicious? Is he just awkward and you can see it?

Watches you in class

He shows off so much, his male friends are going to catch on eventually

Because they know

Showing off only comes with trying to impress someone

You get chocolate from someone for Valentines and small flowers randomly over the months, you gush to him about how you wonder who it was that put them there

He’s like “haha yeah ... I wonder”

It was him

But he accidentally agreed to helping you ask around for the culprit

Discussions about having children when you’re adults and Seungcheol is engraving your every comment into his head

Even though

He thinks he will never get the courage to ask you out

It takes almost two years of him crushing quite intensely on you for him to actually try to make a move

This whole time he’s been trying so hard to keep it as a friendship

As he also treasures you as a friend

He’s been such a dad to you recently and you find it overly normal

Always reminding you to do homework, to have dinner, not stay up late, and in a semi-stern tone like he is actually a parental figure

It’s because he cares about you more than he cares about himself

He’s still in his same relationship from middle school

The person is also with him just cause, dates don’t happen often and honestly it’s a torn relationship

But you, who

Is definitely not having a hard time with your feelings for Seungcheol lately

Sees it as “Okay this attractive person has a partner so I should just give up”

Cheol has been hiding something from everyone as well

He has been a trainee at Pledis for a while

Not even you know that

Instead you see him never hanging out with you after school anymore, making your mind come up with “he’s with his partner” and then dampening your spirits further

But you don’t abandon the feelings, actually they start growing more intense because that’s how feelings work

One day he announces to you that he’s going to become an idol one day

And you’re like “ohhhh”

You feel kinda bad for assuming that he’s abandoning you when instead he was working hard

He invites you to come watch him practice

You go, because you’re so hyped to see him in that part of his world

There are a few other trainees that you meet but you focus solely on Seungcheol

He sings for you

And you’re like “how did I not know about this talent? What else don’t I know about my best friend?”

He shows you a song he wrote

He’s been working on it for weeks

With a wide grin, he looks you straight in the eyes and goes

“I wrote it for you”

The entire song is like a confession, it talks about how he felt distant from you sometimes, how he doesn’t know what’s going on in your head even though you’ve known each other for so long

How the love feels unrequited and you actually start crying because it looks like he’s been suffering for so long, sheltering his feelings

You turn to him and tell him you love him too

Initially you weren’t sure but the moment you admitted it you realised that that was definitely how you felt about him

He gives you the widest smile

“Okay. But I don’t think we should date yet. I’m going to wait until after I’ve debuted, and I’ll work hard to get there.”

You protest but he’s set on that

For months, years, you have this weird friends? Status. He broke up with his partner and spends as much time with you between training as he can

Eventually, years later, he debuts

Neither of you are in school anymore

He tells you the great news by running up to you and kissing you

“We’re debuting.”

You can only respond in sobs, he’s worked so hard for this

“So, (F/n), will you go out with me?”

[songofmysnark]

“Perfect,” by Ed Sheeran

The least perfect song in the world.  This shit is fucking awful.  It’s bad enough that I have found it necessary to present evidence that Ed Sheeran may have been put under the spell of a powerful sea witch.

Let’s dive right into this unholy mess of unexamined emotional hellscape.  Buckle up, kids.

I found a love for me Darling just dive right in And follow my lead

Why are you diving, Ed?  Stop mixing metaphors, are you ballroom dancing underwater?  Are you waltzing through a swamp?  Why are you wearing scuba gear to this tango meetup?  ED WHAT IS GOING ON? I am worried.

But before we clarify what’s going on, who are you speaking to?  “I found a love for me” is not something you say to your smoochiepie, but then you’re addressing “Darling” and instructing her to dive into your shitty mixed metaphors.  Are you singing to us, the audience, or your love that you found?  Are you telling a story or serenading your lady friend?  Ed, this kind of shit is why you are so goddamn easy to mock.

Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet I never knew you were the someone waiting for me 'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love Not knowing what it was I will not give you up this time

I’m coming up to speed here, my befreckled carrot chunk.  Let me translate: you had a crush on this chick, she didn’t like you much, and then you got rich and she was like “welp, gotta survive somehow” and is now swallowing her pride and marrying a guy with a giant jungle cat tattoo on his chest because it means she won’t have to work anymore?  Cool, glad I’m reading between the lines.  Gold digger, redheaded nugget, it’s a warm-toned match made in heaven.  

But here is where Ed Sheeran starts to do the thing that sends me into a feminist rage spiral:  nothing about this woman is at all about her as an individual, but it is definitely about him as an individual.  It’s one of those “Nice Guy (TM)” things that I hate: the dude here gets to have autonomy and his own story is central to the narrative, while simultaneously, his comfort, pleasure, and gaze are prioritized.  

He found a girl?  No, he did not.  She existed all along, he didn’t do a goddamn thing.  People are not hidden fucking treasures, Ed.

She was the someone waiting for him?  No, she was doing her thing, Ed.  And then you came along (again).  You really think she was waiting for you any more than you were waiting for her?  I mean, you weren’t, you totally sing songs about boinking other ladies.  You both just met at a convenient time and were like “I guess you’ll do.”  Stop making this sound like she actually held out for you.  She didn’t.

You were just kids when you fell in love?  AS OPPOSED TO WHEN, ED?  YOU WERE BORN IN 1991.  YOU HAD TO GROW INTO THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS, PAL.  And we know nothing about when this chick fell in love with you.  Hindsight is 2020, my sweet little baby child crooner.

Let me put on my therapist hat, my little tattooed gnome.  When/why did you “give it up?”  I’m curious.  Tell us more about that.  No?  Not wanting to talk about how you likely acted like a bit of an ass to this woman?  Okay, let’s keep going.

Can we talk about this one thing, though?  Your phrasing is odd.  Like, your syntax is fucking horrid, but points to your own self-centered brand of narcissism that has become your trademark.  You are the one dancing in the dark, and you have her between your arms while dancing.  Not only is this just weird, because the subject/object relationship separates you both, but you’re not even saying that you’re dancing together.  You’re dancing, and she’s an accessory placed between your arms.  It also sort of sounds like you’re in the 8th grade and dancing like a mummy -- you know, the way kids sort of hold their arms out and sway during slow songs?  If they didn’t have each other, they would look like mummies.  Are you mummy-dancing with your love, Ed?  Or are you just writing lyrics that center around you as the primary figure and place your partner as a peripheral accessory object that is described in terms of her physical relationship to your body parts?  Isn’t the point of dancing like that about togetherness, like “we were dancing together” or even using a transitive verb to at least link the activity between you two.  Nope, dancing in the dark, and she was an accessory.  Like a flashlight or a bolo tie.

I know, I know.  I’m so pedantic.  And you’re singing about your experience, from your point of view.  You’re right -- and I’m not saying you shouldn’t think or sing or say this crap.  You can do all those things.  And I can judge the living shit out of you for it, because you come off as a selfish, childish, manbaby.

Moving right along...

But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own And in your eyes you're holding mine

Ed, you’ve got to cool it with the weird possessiveness shit.  But this has given me a great mental picture of her eyes growing tiny hands and ripping Ed’s eyes out of his head while they (the eyes growing the hands) scream “MIIIIINE.”  Oh Ed, the beautiful images you paint with your lyrics.  Never change.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight

See, this shit?  This is gold.  This is why I have a tumblr dedicated almost entirely to the shameful pile of lyrical poop that is Ed Sheeran’s discography.  Let’s break down everything that’s wrong with this fucking terrible refrain that we will be subjected to repeatedly, over and over, on our traffic-laden commute thanks to Top 40 radio’s obsession with Ginny Weasley’s favorite saccharine leprechaun. #magicallypernicious #unluckycharms

She said she looked like shit because a. she thought so or b. she’s thirsty AF.  And you’re like “you look perfect tonight.”  I mean, that’s sweet, but also, WTF were you doing barefoot in grass with your favorite song playing?  Were you camping?  Was this a date?  Did you tell her that this OBVIOUSLY PREVIOUSLY ORCHESTRATED EVENT was happening?  Did you give her a chance to, like, make sure she put her anti-humidity spray in her hair before you took her out to some swampy field and put on whatever her favorite song is?  What is her favorite song, Ed?  Do you sing it?  I didn’t think so.  NEXT VERSE!

Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets To carry love, to carry children of our own

I swear to fuck, Sheeran.  Stop.

Every goddamn time I hear this verse, I just cringe.  My whole entire body just shrinks up into a massive, painful, muscle-spasming cringe.  Part of it is that melodramatic way you sing it, really going to town on the microphone when you sing about “carrying children,” that makes me hope for the cleansing tide of early-onset alzheimers to wash away the memory of ever hearing this goddamn line being belted through the speakers of my Toyota.

And I get it, you were like “hey I’m a lyrical genius, did you know that the word ‘carry’ can be used as the verb when describing someone bearing and/or transporting a physical or emotional load AND being pregnant with a baby?  Cool, man, you figured that out and had her carry secrets AND your future spawn, because you are that ~*deep*~ to be like “I can use the same verb to describe keeping secrets and popping out some progeny!”  

Do you only value her strength because it’s useful to you???  Way to be.  This is why we still need feminism.  You are framing this all about what this person can do for you.  She can carry your secrets for you!  She can have your baby for you!  She can be strong for you! As previously established, you are disorganized and have a hard time delegating, but seriously, nobody needs to bear this fucking burden.  You’re just like “Fuck her own stuff, fuck how strong she’s needed to be while I behaved badly toward her!” (Reminder: you apparently gave it up and left her for a bit; see verse 1 because you know I keep my receipts).  

And really? To carry MORE than just your secrets?  Like, that’s already a fucking load to bear and now you’re going to weigh your ladyfriend down like a pack mule with the rest of your fucking baggage?  Way to be a gentleman.  Grow a pair of gingernuts and figure your shit out, son.

By the way, what secrets are you keeping?  Like, big secrets?  Like “Dick Cheney would waterboard you to get at them” secrets?  Or just, like, whatever you did at music camp when you were 11 and played a little too much truth or dare?  You know what, forget I asked, the idea of combining enhanced interrogation with Ed Sheeran’s pre-pubescent truth-or-dare behavior is making me want to bleach my mind’s eye.  Carry on, my wayward son.

What dreams of yours does she share, Ed?  I know it’s a figure of speech, but last night I had a dream that in the middle of an international cuisine tasting conference, I was tasked with butchering an octopus in a college dorm room and ended up having sex with Ursula the Sea Witch, so I wouldn’t wish my dreams on anyone.

And sharing her home, Ed? Is this your nod to feminism, like oh, despite singing about her as an accessory, I’m going to acknowledge her earning potential and, in this version of the narrative, make sure you know it’s her home.  The wage gap doesn’t exist, she’ll be the one to get us a home, I’m progressive! Or are you implying that she’ll be a homemaker?  Either way, this is not a good look, Ed.

We are still kids, but we're so in love Fighting against all odds

How the fuck don’t you realize that I keep my goddamn receipts?  You referenced how you were kids back then (see verse 1 above and my joke about being born in 1991, buddy) and now you’re like “WE’RE STILL CRAZY KIDS!”  Sweetie, buddy, pal, my guy, the lack of continuity here is astounding, I mean how the fuck are you making so much goddamn money off of these truly awful songs?  

I know we'll be alright this time Darling, just hold my hand Be my girl, I'll be your man

Nabokov already wrote this novel.  You know, that whole “light of my life, fire of my loins, I’m dead when she leaves me” book?  Yes?  No?  Okay, look it up later.  

I see my future in your eyes.

Plot Twist:  Ed Sheeran is in love with Lolita, but Lolita is an immortal and ageless sea witch.  IS THIS WHY HE WAS DIVING RIGHT IN?  

It doesn’t matter if her name takes a trip of three steps down the tongue if she steals your voice.  How’s that for lyricism?

I have faith in what I see Now I know I have met an angel in person And she looks perfect I don't deserve this

Okay, I was wrong.  This entire song is about his complicated relationship with a sea witch who has cast a spell.  If you sing it in a minor key, this shit is really ominous.  I have faith in the truth that I see now before me, she has revealed her true identity and it is terrible, please make it stop, I see the horrors for what they are now!  It’s the angel of death, I have seen her in person and I don’t deserve this torture!  She is perfect in her wrath and I must pray now and praise her while recanting my douchebaggery, I am now crying for help in this field as my love has revealed herself as a mirror into my own terror, and I am but a shapeless narrator without an audience, screaming into the void!  Is this why she holds your eyes in hers?  Is this why she shares your dreams, because she can see inside of your soul and reflect your own desires back at you until you’re blinded and crazed by your own self-centered bullshit?  Is the sea witch using the Mirror of Erised as a shield to protect herself from your bullshit?  

We’re worried, Ed.  

You look perfect tonight

For fuck’s sake, Ed.

[upontheshelfreviews]

I expected this movie to have a few votes from those who remembered it as kids. I never expected it to win by a landslide. Lesson learned: never underestimate a nostalgic kids’ movie from the ’90s.

Once upon a time, David Kirschner, producer of An American Tail among other things, took his daughters to the New York Public Library. This visit inspired him to write a story about a fantastical adventure that would get kids excited about reading. The result was The Pagemaster, a 1994 box-office bomb that would go on to develop a cult following among children like me who grew up watching it. Animation historians tend to lump The Pagemaster in with the likes of Thumbelina or Quest For Camelot: 90s features that tried to coast off the success of Disney’s Renaissance films yet failed to match their caliber. But actually, trailers for The Pagemaster played in theaters and on home video a good four years before the movie was released…it was still in production for most of that time so the amount of influence Disney had on it is up for debate, but the point remains. I’m willing to bet what played a major part in its delay was the myriad of problems that cropped up during the filmmaking, from David Kirschner suing the Writers Guild of America for not receiving the sole story credit he felt was owed, to the plot being rewritten in the middle of the animation process, which is never a good thing. I’ve also heard stories about Macaulay Culkin being a diva on set, but knowing what we know now about his abusive father explains a lot so I’m not holding that against him.

And here’s another fun fact I dug up while doing my research: apparently Stephen King of all people wrote the treatment for The Pagemaster, which certainly explains the film’s more horrific elements. Does this means this movie is technically part of the King multiverse? I can see Richard hanging out with The Losers Club on weekends and trying to avoid killer clowns and langoliers in his spare time.

Though it was released under the 20th Century Fox banner, The Pagemaster was the first of only two animated films created by Turner Feature Animation, an off-shoot of Hanna-Barbera founded by media mogul Ted Turner. In hindsight, it’s not surprising that Turner had a hand in this children’s flick with an educational message. Let’s not forget the last animated project he invested himself in was all about teaching kids environmentalism in the cheesiest way possible.

But unlike Captain Planet, does The Pagemaster hold up after all these years? Will it get kids sucked into the magic of reading? And how long can I go without forcing in a Home Alone reference? Read on and find out.

The opening credits fade in over clouds swirling into foreshadowing images while the stirring main theme by James Horner plays. Say what you want about this movie, Horner’s score emerges smelling like a rose, easily the best thing to come from this film. Disney’s even used it for some of their trailers. Also, when you take the bulk of the cast into consideration, it’s astonishingly appropriate that the man who scored The Wrath of Kahn provided the soundtrack for this feature.

The ominous call-forward clouds are part of a nightmare that our protagonist, a typical 90s nerd named Richard Tyler (Macaulay Culkin) startles awake from. He crawls out of bed and overhears his parents (Ed Begley Jr. and Mel Harris) discussing their son’s neuroses. See, it’s not enough that Richard is a nerd; he’s also afraid of everything that casts a shadow. His room is plastered with safety precautions, he studies all manner of deathly statistics to the point where he can recite them at the drop of a hat and is considered a general buzzkill by all who know him, especially his father. This is where we come to our first bump in the road, and it’s not just that Richard acts in a way that no kid would, not even scaredy-cat kids like Chuckie Finster: it’s the moral they’re trying to set up.

The Pagemaster’s original screenplay was about a boy who didn’t like reading and learned to love it, but there were many rewrites during production that altered it so it’s about Richard learning to overcome his fears through the power of books. That makes the point rather redundant – why teach someone who’s already a bookworm to love books? I argue that it’s about snapping Richard out of his obsession over statistics and panic-inducing facts that are holding him back from living a fulfilling life, and finding courage and meaning from beloved stories instead. Not a terrible lesson, but one that could have been communicated better. In fact, such a moral would be much more suited for today; with the constant stream of news updates through the internet leading to anxiety over everything, turning away from devices for a while and finding solace through well-written fiction is a decent message. And I’m not saying that kids today shouldn’t be aware of big issues our planet faces – look at Greta Thunberg – but if you’re suffering from borderline pantophobia, then maybe seeking some escapism through print (and also finding a therapist) is a good place to start.

Mr. Tyler is building his son a treehouse in order to help him get over his fear of heights. Richard, of course, refuses to have anything to do with it and states some statistics about ladders and household accidents. He then unwittingly hits his dad in the head with a bucket which causes him to have an accident and fall out of the treehouse, thus proving his point. Honestly, I’d have more respect for Richard if he did it on purpose just to validate himself. What a grade-A troll he’d make.

Eager to get his son out of his hair, Mr. Tyler tasks him with picking up some nails from the hardware store. Richard takes his bike, both covered in so much superfluous safety gear that he looks like he’s ready to go policing in a sci-fi dystopia.

“I am THE LAW!”

And yes, you read that credit correctly. Joe Johnston, director of The Rocketeer and the first Captain America movie directed the live-action segments of The Pagemaster. From what I’ve gathered, he’s not too pleased to have his name attached to this project. I suppose he’s upset that he couldn’t have his credit changed to Alan Smithee.

On his way into town, Richard passes some kids riding their bikes off a construction ramp. They try to goad him into joining them and call him chicken when he doesn’t, just in case you didn’t catch what his character arc will be. Richard continues forward, and if you think Maurice’s trip to the fair went south in Beauty and the Beast, then you haven’t watched this movie. Lightning strikes the power lines, he’s forced through a tunnel where the lights explode in succession after him, and he gets lost in a dark, creepy park during a storm. I’m almost tempted to say the movie is trying to kill him.

Richard crashes his bike in front of the most ominous library outside of a Ghostbusters movie and seeks shelter there. The only person inside is eccentric old librarian Mr. Dewey, played by Christopher Lloyd. He constantly interrupts Richard to guess what kind of book he thinks he’s looking for all while getting very dramatic and dangerously close to the young boy. I laugh at it because of how over-the-top Lloyd’s acting is, but uncomfortably so. As a kid, I thought he was being very wise and passionate about the stories he looks after, but as an adult, it’s hard not to look at this scene and call stranger danger on it.

Mr. Dewey directs Richard to a phone where he can call his parents, gives him a library card if he feels like checking a book out, and casually points out the big green exit sign should he decide to leave. Richard wanders through the library until he comes across an awesome-looking mural in the rotunda depicting scenes from Moby Dick, Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde…umm, Dragonslayer, I guess, and a wizard who bears more than a passing resemblance to Mr. Dewey.

This is why we need more funding in our public libraries, folks.

Richard slips on the wet floor and knocks himself out. When he comes to, paint from the mural gushes to the floor, turns into a dragon-like blob and chases him through the library, turning anything it touches turns into a painted background. The blending of computer and traditional animation for the dragon is surprisingly excellent. It’s plain to see that a lot of work went into this one creature. When I can’t tell where the hand-drawn animation begins or ends, that’s a good sign.

Ultimately the dragon catches Richard and transforms him into an animated character – no, not a character, an illustration, says someone from the shadows. That someone is the master of the animated literary realm Richard’s been transported to, keeper of the books and guardian of the written word, The Pagemaster (also voiced by Lloyd).

Do you think he trims his beard by cutting it or by stitching it up and binding it with leather and glue?

This animated version of the library is where all the stories ever written call home (though Horner’s score is what really sells the wonder of the moment). Here, books are, quite literally, transports to another world. Open a book and characters, creatures and objects from that story emerge from them. The Pagemaster demonstrates this by summoning a fairytale giant and the Argo from Jason and the Argonauts just for show. Richard’s more interested in finding his way home and the Pagemaster tells him that he must pass three tests in order to reach the Exit. He sends him off on his quest with a word of advice: when in doubt, look to the books.

Richard is swept up on a book cart and crashes into his first comic relief sidekick for the evening, Adventure, a cantankerous sentient book who acts like a pirate and is played by Sir Patrick Stewart. Stewart is one of the finest actors of the stage and screen and a damn good human being (seriously, look up his speeches about domestic violence) but I’ve noticed that when it comes to animated films, he tends to skew towards the…not so good ones. Not only did he turn down roles in Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin, but for every Prince of Egypt, there’s a Chicken Little, Gnomeo and Juliet, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return and Emoji Movie that proudly boasts his name. It’s mind-boggling and frustrating to hear such talent reduced to voicing shit.

Not hyperbole.

The best thing I can say about Adventure is that at least Stewart sounds like he’s having fun playing him. I should know, getting paid to talk like a pirate is the best job ever.

Adventure changes his tune when he sees Richard’s library card and offers to help the boy if he checks him out from the library. He tells Richard to go up a ladder to get their bearings, but Richard refuses on account of his acrophobia and prattles off some of those annoying statistics. Adventure tries to change his mind about climbing by opening 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and unleashing the giant squid, which is like helping someone overcome their fear of flying by shooting them out of a cannon.

The squid throws Richard in the air but he’s rescued by another living book, Fantasy (Whoopi Goldberg). Fantasy subverts the warm fairy godmother stereotype she’s modeled after with her frequent bouts of sarcasm and stubbornness; whereas Stewart is playing a role, Whoopi is pretty much playing herself. Under normal circumstances, Fantasy would use her magic to poof Richard to the Exit, but since she’s outside of her section her powers are considerably weakened. Regardless, she also promises to help Richard if he takes her home with him. Fantasy and Adventure butt heads over who’s going to be second banana to our protagonist. Adventure insists he’s the only one who knows where they’re headed and gets Richard to open up The Hound of Baskervilles, with predictable results.

The Hound chases the trio until they jump through a bookcase into the horror section, full of spooky graveyards and assorted Halloween detritus. The Exit Sign appears through the fog but leads them to a massive and obviously haunted mansion that they must pass through in order to proceed. Richard rings the bell, which knocks the final member of the team, Horror (Frank Welker), into his arms. Horror’s my favorite of the bunch, at least he would be if I had to pick one. For one thing, with all the fairly big names in the cast, it’s refreshing to hear a veteran voice actor playing one of the lead roles. Horror’s the least like the genre he represents, a sweet dimwit who just wants some friends. I don’t know, maybe I just have a soft spot for lonely ugly-cute marshmallow characters.

Speaking of, the designs for the books aren’t exactly appealing with large faces plastered right on their spines and little arms and legs sticking out of their lumbering square bodies. Horror’s look, however, comes the closest to working since he’s modeled after Quasimodo and isn’t supposed to be Mr. Universe if you catch my drift. He even gets some moments of good wild animation, especially when he’s “describing” what frightens him.

But one line, one solitary bit of dialogue has always stuck with me: “Horror always has sad endings”. It’s a shockingly deep statement that sums up the tragedy of his situation, and also why I’ve never been that big on the genre. The monster’s dead, everyone’s safe, you think it’s all ok, then BOOM. It pops up again, slaughters every character you’ve grown to care for and sets up a neverending chain of watered-down sequels and reboots.

Fantasy assures Horror her world is a place of happy endings, and Richard allows him to come along for the ride. The group ventures into the mansion, which looks perfect as far as haunted houses go. It’s caught somewhere between traditional Gothic and German Expressionism with its impossibly high ceilings, winding staircases, cobwebbed cracks in the walls and looming shadows. The team then meets the mansion’s owner, Dr. Henry Jekyll, played by…Leonard Nimoy?!

Fascinating.

It goes without saying that Nimoy is magnetic as both Jekyll and his wicked counterpart. He encapsulates the madness and depravity of the latter with a cackle and a single line, and he plays the former with a warm air of wisdom and sophistication (the fact that he serves his Hyde potion in a martini glass should clue you in on that trait). It makes me wish we got to see Nimoy play Jekyll and Hyde in a more straightforward adaptation before he passed away.

Though maybe he already did…

Adventure is ready to help himself to some of Jekyll’s cocktail but Horror knocks it out of his hands and the spill burns a hole through the floor.

So the Hyde formula’s secret ingredient is xenomorph blood. Who knew?

Richard and the gang are too late to stop Jekyll from drinking his concoction and he undergoes a harrowing transformation into his evil alter-ego, Edward Hyde. And hoo boy, did this scene reopen a can of worms. Imagine you’re a five-year-old enjoying this fun little animated escapade of talking books and magic and then this gets all up in your face.

“My name…is…”

“…Mister HYYYYYYYDE!!!!!”

All this to say even after all these years, Mr. Hyde still kind of puts me on edge. I remember my dad taught me how to use the fast-forward button on the VCR just so I could rush through this part. I even wished for and made up a kind of video player where you could skip entire scenes for the sole purpose of avoiding Hyde’s reveal.

I’m still waiting on my royalties.

Hyde attacks the group but Horror accidentally saves them by dropping a chandelier on him.

Hey, wrong story!

Horror gets tangled up in the chains and is about to be pulled through the floor along with Hyde. Fantasy begs Richard to save him but he’s too scared to. He doesn’t even try to weasel out of it by saying he has bone spurs or some other lame excuse, he just stands there and shrugs as one of his friends is about to die. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. I know Richard’s supposed to learn courage over the course of the movie but not even attempting to try is pretty low. It’s not like there’s any danger in the situation or a possibility that Hyde will pop back up again; the freak’s too busy dragging Horror down, laughing maniacally in the dark as he anticipates pulling one helpless victim to their doom along with him.

Can’t sleep, Hyde will eat me…

Anyway, Fantasy has enough and rescues Horror herself. As for Hyde, he goes down the hole never to be seen again.

Now that I’m more familiar with the stories featured in this movie more so than when it was released, seeing them come and go rather quickly without diving into their essence is disappointing…but perhaps that was intentional. Maybe by leaving these sequences fairly open-ended and giving us the most basic of recaps, the movie is encouraging kids to check out the books themselves and come to their own conclusions about how and why these are timeless, fascinating tales.

Or at the very least, they could pick up an illustrated abridged version. Try getting a six-year-old to sit through the complete Moby Dick.

You’re a prodigy, Matilda! You don’t count!

After fleeing Hyde, Richard and the gang run into some possessed books – in other words, they’re haunted by ghost stories.

They evade the spirited tomes and had things worked out differently, they would have immediately had a perilous encounter with another famous literary horror character, Frankenstein’s monster. Poor Frankie M. made it to the poster and a few promotional picture books but not the final film. It’s not clear why he was cut; maybe the director felt the sequence was running long or he got worried the kids watching this would be too scared by this point. Frankly, anything that comes after Hyde pales in comparison. You could throw the worst of Lovecraft our way and it still wouldn’t be half as terrifying as he was.

The team makes it outside, but are trapped on a high vine-covered wall. Richard is too scared to climb down until the Pagemaster possesses a gargoyle to give some on-the-nose words of encouragement.

Careful, Richard. The last time I saw a gargoyle like that, it didn’t end well for the person grabbing it.

Richard Tarzans his ways to safety, and everyone celebrates their escape. The sun rises, clearing the way to the ever-elusive Exit Sign and Adventure’s home turf, a beach stretching into the open sea. Out on the ocean, they come across the crew of the Pequod. They’re searching for the white whale Moby Dick at the behest of Captain Ahab, voiced by George Hearn.

Hmm, George Hearn playing an overly dramatic psychopath hellbent on bloody vengeance? Can’t imagine where they got that casting idea from.

Ahab spies his quarry off the port bow and the color scheme dramatically shifts into a fiery red while the mad captain’s eyes glow and he turns into a Frank Miller drawing.

Lift your spearhead high, Ahab! Hear its singing edge!

I don’t know why they went with this abrupt change in hue, but frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. It’s a visual representation of Ahab’s unhinged thirst for violence teetering on demonic possession that just looks really cool. Also, like Nimoy before him, Hearn makes the most of his screen time, giving a stirring rendition of some of Ahab’s immortal lines.

…Then Moby Dick pounces on top of him and kills him and his crew instantly.

But Moby’s not done dicking around yet and he smashes Richard’s boat too. Richard and Adventure latch on to some driftwood, but it looks like Fantasy and Horror didn’t make it and there are sharks closing in.

The good news: they’re quickly rescued.

The bad news: they’re taken prisoner aboard the Hispaniola which is under the command of Long John Silver (Jim Cummings) and his crew of cutthroat pirates.

Well, calling them cutthroat is generous. The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything are more threatening than these guys.

With catlike tread, upon our foe we steal!

Also, one of the pirates is voiced by Robert Picardo and…do you think David Kirschner just wanted to make one big Star Trek crossover movie but the execs shot it down so he turned it into this cute family flick starring cast members from almost every iteration of the franchise? Like, Picard and Guinan are banished to another dimension inspired by various Holodeck fantasies thanks to a resurrected omniscient Commander Kurge (just another one of Q’s little tests for humanity) and are tasked with protecting a young boy, the son of Henry Starling, who’s the key to defeating him as they find their way back home. They wind up in a desolate corner of the universe where they meet Spock, who’s been working on a top-secret formula that will supposedly make human urges easier to differentiate in important decision-making. But plot twist! It’s really Evil Spock the whole time, and his formula will purge all good from those who consume it! They escape, desperate to warn this dimension’s Federation of Evil Spock’s plan but run into an insane Dr. Berel and are later captured by The Doctor, who has rebelled from his programming and taken up piracy along with a renegade band of Romulans. I’m no Star Trek aficionado, but this is something I’d like to see!

Silver takes away Richard’s library card and forces him and Adventure to join his treasure hunt on (where else?) Treasure Island. But like in the story this is based on, the pirates are enraged to learn that the treasure has already been looted and they mutiny against Silver. Before things get ugly, Fantasy and Horror arrive to save their friends. It turns out they didn’t drown after all due to Horror discovering his hump is hollow and they floated to shore on it.

Then there’s a fight scene where Horror and Fantasy take out the pirates using goofy slapstick. It isn’t too bad, but it doesn’t touch Muppet Treasure Island in comedy. Richard also stands up to Silver and gets him to back off, which earns the old sea dog’s respect. This makes this sequence the most faithful of all the quick adaptations we’ve seen thus far, essentially turning Richard into a stand-in for Jim Hawkins and having him go through an abridged version of his arc. It would have resonated more, however, if we spent more time with the plot and characters of this story, so we’d really feel something when Richard asserts himself. The Pagemaster is a scant seventy-five minutes, but with all the possibilities for expanding upon these different novels in this format with the kind of story they’re trying to tell, this could be a ninety-minute film at the very least. The movie even teases this with some cleverly woven-in shoutouts to other famous works, like Edgar Allen Poe’s Raven appearing in the haunted house, or Richard staggering under an oversized copy of Atlas Shrugged. I wish we could see those tales as part of the plot proper, but they make this literature-based world feel more all-encompassing and less like they’re merely covering the basics, for which I’m grateful for.

Adventure, who got sidelined at the start of the fight and is miffed about missing the action, storms off on his own. This is where the movie sidelines the main plot for a substandard “jerk with a heart of gold learns not to be a jerk to others” subplot. Horror tries to cheer up Adventure and admits he idolizes him, but Adventure bullies and scares him away. Shortly after, Adventure finds Richard’s library card washed up on the beach and returns it, but Fantasy forces him to look for Horror and apologize before they hit the road. He finds him being tied down by the Lilliputians from Gulliver’s Travels. Now Gulliver’s Travels could technically be classified as an adventure story, but really it’s a witty satire in the guise of an adventure. I wonder what we could have gotten if the movie explored other stories that mashed up the genres featured here with ones like mystery or sci-fi or drama. I want to see how Sherlock Holmes, Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, and Lizzie Bennett would react to this kid from the future and his three sentient books running around their stories! Or what about ones where the elements of fantasy, horror, and adventure overlap each other? Think about it, A Christmas Carol is both horror and fantasy, The Princess Bride is fantasy and adventure, The Call of Cthulu, A Wrinkle in Time and anything by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett combine all three. I’m sorry I keep going off on these tangents, but the concepts this film presents deserve more exploration than what we’re given.

Adventure rescues Horror and the two reconcile. Fantasy’s wand lights up, indicating that they’re getting closer to her territory and the Exit. Just to be sure she’s got her magic back, she tests it out by turning Adventure into –

Your very confusing nightmares for the next month, ladies and gentlemen.

Everyone traipses through the jungle into the fantasy section, which goes a bit beyond your average picture book in terms of design. Though the movie’s backgrounds and colors are a bit murky, each world has a distinct visual style. The fantasy realm is like if Arthur Rackham tangoed with Eyvind Earle. It’s not Sleeping Beauty levels of gorgeousness, though it’s close.  But once again, the magic of this scene comes from the music. Instead of more instrumental backing, however, we get the movie’s main tune, “Whatever You Imagine”.

I unironically love this song. I’ve said before I’m a sucker for 90s pop ballads and this one is no exception. It’s all about using the power of imagination to follow your dreams and shape the world into a better place, and is complemented by the visuals: some fairies that are rotoscoped in a way that they look like living embodiments of the electricity balls you find at Spencer’s appear and dance on Richard’s palm. There’s a second decent pop song in a similar vein over the end credits, “Dream Away” sung by Lisa Stanfield and Babyface, but “Whatever You Imagine” is my favorite of the two.

Yet, nice as this part is, it’s difficult to overlook the shortcomings. You thought the horror and adventure parts of the movie were rushed? What little we see of the fantasy section is limited to a minute and a half of the song before hurtling into the climax. On top of that, the only representations of fantasy here apart from the fairies are nursery rhymes (with Mother Goose and Humpty Dumpty making five-second cameos), generic familiar fairy tales (most of which, including Rapunzel and Cinderella, also joined Frankenstein’s Monster on the cutting room floor), a faun that looks like it was kidnapped from Fantasia, and a yellow brick road as a shout-out to The Wizard of Oz. I get this was a few years before Harry Potter revolutionized the genre, but no love for Lord of the Rings? No Peter Pan? No Narnia? No Earthsea? No Discworld? Not even Dr. Seuss? And if it’s because they’re sticking with public domain works then they really dropped the ball. I’ve got five words for you: King Arthur, Lord Dunsany, ETA Hoffman, George MacDonald, and any culture’s ancient mythology.

Then again, perhaps it’s for the best that the more recognizable fantasies stay out of this feature. Look at our heroes and tell me they’d survive a minute in A Song of Ice and Fire.

Richard spies the Exit on top of a mountain, but Adventure wanders into a “cave” and accidentally awakens the final boss: a monstrous fire-breathing dragon.

“Now you shall deal with me, O Prints, and all the powers of Hell!”

Fantasy summons a magic carpet ripped from her own pages to save Richard and fly them all to the Exit. But the carpet gets singed and crashes on the mountainside, scattering our heroes and causing Fantasy to lose her wand. Richard makes it to the summit but he realizes that in his haste he’s left his book club behind. Adventure decides to face the dragon alone to give Horror and Fantasy time to escape, and this is where we get the culmination of what’s supposed to be Adventure and Fantasy’s belligerent romantic tension throughout the movie and the one truly funny line of dialogue.

Unsurprisingly, the dragon roasts Adventure but he just gets covered in ash and acts like he got bopped on the head instead of burning up like a real book would. This is the fantasy section and a kid’s cartoon on top of that, I’m not gonna argue about the logic. Richard finally finds the courage to go save his friends, but first, he takes a sword, shield, and helmet from the crumbling skeleton of a dead knight.

For his sake, he’d better wash his hands fifty times after this.

Wait, that red cross on the shield….oh my god, it’s the dragon and knight from The Faerie Queen!!

All right, let me explain what this means and why it’s a big deal. The Faerie Queen is one of the most revered examples of classic fantasy literature, a collection of six epic poems detailing the adventures of King Arthur expy Prince Arthur aiding knights representing the Twelve Private Virtues on his journey to rescue and marry the titular fairy queen Gloriana. The story of the Red Cross Knight is about Arthur helping said knight fight a dragon to save his lady love. More importantly, it’s about the knight learning to overcome his insecurities while being waylaid by outside forces symbolizing negative influences and slay the monster himself. It’s not hard to see the surface parallels in his adventure and Richard’s. So, point to the movie for subtly including a well-known tale and weaving it into the main plot. I take back what I said about it overlooking the obvious public domain fantasies.

Richard charges in ready to kick some reptilian butt. Unfortunately, he manages to do an even worse job confronting the dragon than Jon Snow and it eats him in one bite. But our hero merely gets the Jonas treatment and winds up trapped inside the dragon’s stomach, which conveniently holds a number of undigested fantasy books. I guess the dragon must be a voracious reader.

Recalling The Pagemaster’s advice, Richard searches through the books to find something that can help him escape. In a bit of on-the-fly ingenuity, he unleashes the titular plant from Jack and the Beanstalk. He rides the plant up and out of the dragon’s throat, grabs his buddies and carries them to the mountaintop where the gates of the Exit are now open. Once inside, they find a very familiar face.

“I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SOUNDTRACK! PAY NO ATTENTION THAT COMPOSER BEHIND THE CURTAIN!”

No, of course not. Instead, the Pagemaster appears to greet them. It turns out he’s been guiding Richard through his perils the whole time. Richard is not unreasonably pissed that the seemingly wise and benevolent sage took the Glinda approach of leading him into danger just to teach him a lesson. The small tirade he goes on is honestly refreshing. You don’t see many heroes call out the mentor figure on their trickery.

But all implications aside, the Pagemaster brings up an important point: what would have changed for Richard if he was whisked home just like that? Without the chance to grow, he would have stayed the same cowardly, friendless boy. To back this up, the villains Richard faced appear in the cyclone and proudly remind him of his triumphs. He made the right choices in the face of evil. He looked danger in the eye and kept moving forward. He stood up to others without hesitating. Even the dragon returns to salute Richard in its own way. There’s something rather awe-inspiring about these great literary characters returning to congratulate him for facing their challenges. It might not seem like much at face value: what practical use would there be in overcoming fears of things you’d never come across in the real world like pirates or dragons?

The thing is, most literary characters aren’t just there to move the plot from Point A to Point B, but are also a conduit for symbolizing qualities both evil and benign that enhance their stories. In The Pagemaster, as well as in their own tales, Jekyll and Hyde, Ahab, and Silver represent varying levels of obsession and fear. The dragon is especially notable for the latter in this regard since it is the culmination of Richard’s fears and how he views the world as a terrifying, dangerous place beyond his control. It’s the last thing that appears in the opening credits before he wakes up from his nightmare, and is also the form the paint blob takes when chasing him. The dragon was even supposed to appear continuously throughout the film, following Richard and his friends causing trouble for them. That aspect was cut from the final feature, though it left some conspicuous plot holes, namely how Adventure apparently lost his sword somewhere offscreen then finds it in the dragon’s mouth before he wakes it. The most important thing to take away from this, however, is that Richard doesn’t slay the dragon but instead finds a way to overcome it by moving past it, showing how he’s accepted there are things he can’t always control or avoid and chooses instead to move past his fears. If I may borrow some words Neil Gaiman often attributed to G.K. Chesterton, we don’t read fairytales to learn that dragons exist, but to learn that dragons can be beaten.

Richard, having realized how much he’s grown from his adventures, is finally ready to return to the real world. The Pagemaster sends him back along with the books, who turn into ordinary volumes. Richard wakes up on the library floor with Mr. Dewey standing over him in a totally-not-awkward-at-all manner. He remembers his promise to check out the books, but Mr. Dewey takes back Horror and tells him he can only take two home.

Wait, two books?! Only two?? The last time I went to my local library, they let me check out ten! I’m sure the rules are different depending on each district, but I’d say any self-respecting library that would want to maintain a child’s interest in reading would let them borrow a minimum of three books at a time. This seems like a strange last-minute obstacle that serves no real purpose other than making Mr. Dewey look inexplicably pedantic.

Anyway, Mr. Dewey can tell Richard’s upset that he can’t keep his promise to Horror and allows him to take all the books with him just this once. Richard passes by the ramp from the start of the film and makes the jump on his own, proving that he really has changed. It would have been more cathartic if the bullies from before were there to see it, but I suppose the writers felt this had to be something Richard would do more for himself than for anyone else. And I like how once he sticks that landing and does a positive spin on his dour catchphrase, the street lamps knocked out from the storm all light up again, showing all’s right with the world. Later, Richard’s parents come home after searching for their son all night and find him asleep in the treehouse, no longer afraid of anything.

Well, he’s still scared of Old Man Marley, but he’s taking it one step at a time.

Mr. and Mrs. Tyler let him stay up there, and once they’re gone, Horror, Adventure and Fantasy come to life once again as animated shadows on the wall and revel in their happy ending.

And that was The Pagemaster. As a young kid, I adored it. Nowadays it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. It’s technically not a good movie, but it’s brimming with creative ideas, a few moments of cleverness, some nice visuals, has a good voice cast, an excellent score, and it evokes plenty of nostalgia. I just can’t bring myself to hate it. I also saw a lot of my younger self in Richard, a lit nerd prone to anxiety who found comfort and friendship in the books we traversed through and fantasized about having similar adventures. That, I think, is what really drew me into The Pagemaster back in the day. Plus, as far as an animated children’s film about a geeky kid going into classic tales with a talking book goes, it could have been much, much worse.

No. Just…no.

In case you’re still wondering if I thought this film succeeded in its message, well, it did make me want to read more, but I already loved reading when I was a child so that might render the point moot. I admire the idea of not laying out everything that happens in each story so as to get kids invested, but that being said the segments could use some beefing up to maintain interest and flesh out the characters more. Frankly, I think the whole concept of The Pagemaster would work much better as an animated series than as a movie. Maybe that was what Turner Animation was going for; if the film was more successful, they could create a spinoff show where the characters explore a new story each week that ties into some kind problem Richard is facing. Think Reading Rainbow meets Tales From the Book of Virtue. Now that Disney technically owns this movie, I’d love to see them develop something like this. Their track record with animated television has been stellar since Gravity Falls. Put this project in the right hands and they’d have another hit.

You know what? Call me out on it all you want, but The Pagemaster gets a three out of five. Watch it if you’re curious or just feeling nostalgic, and be sure to pick up a good book afterward.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this review, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Patreon supporters receive great perks such as extra votes for movie reviews, requests, early sneak-peeks and more. Special thanks to Amelia Jones, Gordhan Rajani and Sam Minden for their contributions, especially at this time.

Considering the theme of this review and the timing of its release, I’d like to leave you with a bit of a positive endorsement: If you’re like me and you’re looking for something to do while in quarantine, especially since all the libraries are closed where I am, I recommend Project Gutenberg and LibriVox. Both offer ways to enjoy beloved pieces of great literature that are largely in the public domain and discover fascinating obscure ones too, and it is completely free. No accounts to sign up for, no monthly payments, just years of classic books online only a click away. I listen to many of them while working or if I need to relax. I hope it’ll help take your mind off of any fears or stress, and I’ll see you tomorrow when movie voting recommences.

Screengrabs courtesy of animationscreencaps.com

April Review: The Pagemaster (1994) I expected this movie to have a few votes from those who remembered it as kids. I never expected it to win by a landslide.

[selfiecharmedlife]

RE: Process posting vol 1: Why did this bum me out so much

               I don’t have a goal in mind for this post, but I have a starting point and I want to see where I end up. Recently, I saw a movie and anyone in the same discord servers as me is likely aware that I felt a pretty strong reaction to it. I just can’t quite figure out why. Maybe a writing exercise will help me unpack what’s going on in my broken brain.

                Background stuff: Hibike Euphonium is a show about a high school band that follows a freshman euphonium player as she goes through high school. Egos clash, characters grow, and they play music together as the main set of characters get older and transition from being mentees to leaders. As a former 1st chair, band was a huge part of my high school experience. Euphonium’s accuracy to what it’s like being in a high school concert band is almost frightening at times. One of the seasons of the TV anime had the main character grilled in front of the band for continuing to fail a part. I’ve been in that position and the tone the band director’s voice actor took sent me back to my high school band days. When the scene was over, I realized I had been holding my breath. As the band performs, you can hear the kinds of mistakes a high school band makes and even minor things like the sound of a tuning slide moving are put front and center. Those little touches mean so much to me. The animation is also stunning. Basically, I highly recommend it and could gush for multiple posts. 

               As per most of the shows I write about, it’s also got some gay. The protagonist, Kumiko, and the band’s star trumpet player, Reina, are middle school classmates entering high school with distance between them that gradually closes. Kumiko admires Reina unabashed desire to stand out and express her talent. When a trombone player makes it obvious that he’s interested in Kumiko, she doesn’t return his affection and instead keeps developing an increasingly intimate relationship with Reina. Several scenes across the two seasons of the anime suggest their interest is more than platonic so much that other characters comment how comfortable they are with each other. 

               It’s one of my favorite series so when the movie came to American theaters last week, I got my gay ass together and went to see the gay band girl movie. The first scene has the trombone boy Kumiko had previously shown romantic disinterest toward confessing to her. She has a surprised reaction and the opening credits play. We don’t see her response, but throughout the movie there is a running sub-plot where we find out she agreed to date him after the concert season is over before further ultimately postponing it further at the end of the movie after he tries to kiss her. This was contrasted against other scenes more typical of the series where Kumiko and Reina seem extremely comfortable with each other. Apparently, a third season of the anime is in production so whomst can tell what’ll happen with these characters. As I walked back to my car, I felt myself getting more upset. This was the first time I felt like I had been queer baited. A previous side character jumped in front of two seasons of wlw momentum during the very first scene of the movie and the previously disinterested protagonist is now jealous when he shows attention to someone else.

That’s the crux of what I wanted to process via writing. Why is it that I was having that reaction to this pretty mundane movie? Even now, it still bugs me. Like I said earlier, I was the 1st chair trombone of my own concert band and a lot of the story, characters and sets of this show feel nostalgic for me. The hot summers at marching band camp, the small problems that felt world ending at the time, learning from older students and then finding out you have younger students looking up to you. I grew a lot as part of being in band and I consider it the defining part of my high school career. It was also the only co-ed activity in my all boys high school. The girls from out sister school would take the bus every morning to practice and as they would pack up and leave after morning practice, I’d often wish I could go with them. It’s how I met my first girlfriend who deserved much better than an insecure, dysphoric and jealous adolescent.

               Outside of band, high school is where I best learned to hate myself. In the four hallways (and science wing!) of my tiny high school, I transitioned from an awkward and bullied kid that loved anime to basically the same person but more depressed, better at faking manhood and ashamed of liking things. That shame would take years of therapy to start to unwind. One of my classmates would years later describe it as going to school in a locker room.

               I didn’t want to go to that school. In middle school, I was savagely bullied by my public school classmates. In grade school, I was the member of my grade that kept being friends with a flamboyant kid in our class through his own terrible homophobic bulling. Eventually, he would transfer to a different school and the I was the new “fa**ot.” In middle school, I would regularly get insulted, shoved into lockers or jumped and beaten up. One time a group of kids even followed me home from school where I waited home alone while they knocked on all the doors and windows trying to get me to come outside. My parents tried to pull me out of the school, but I stuck it out and graduated. Even though I wanted to continue in public school, my parents put me in a private high school to get me away from that bullying.

               Maybe those bullies were onto something though, throughout middle school and grade school I would have dreams where I relived my day as a girl. It felt nice. It felt so nice that I felt guilty about it and developed an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if I had been able to express myself during those meetings with a therapist. What if I could have trusted that my parents could be supportive? What if my mom hadn’t been in the room for some of those visits? What if the therapist that might have suspected what was up pushed me just a little bit into really admitting what I wanted? Sometimes I feel that there is a near timeline where I was able to express my feelings. Maybe I would have been able to start puberty blockers. I could have started them in middle school and still graduated. Maybe I’d start HRT near the end of middle school and get a few months under my belt before high school. My parents could still have put me in a different school and I would have had a chance to have the high school life of a girl. Maybe they would have put me in the sister school we did band with and I’d still have had that experience. 

               In my head, I know that timeline isn’t as close as it feels. My parents wouldn’t have supported me then that just like how they don’t support me now. In my heart though, it feels good. It’s when you make a pizza for dinner after skipping lunch and pull it right out of the oven. It’s hot and burns your mouth, but it’s meeting some other need. As much as I used to think I didn’t want to relitigate my history, these fantasies are fulfilling while also extremely painful. 

As my old high school world religions teacher used to say, back to the point of departure. I’ve written before about how people connect to media to work out their own issues. People are really good at it and sometimes do it without realizing it. Euphoniums attention to detail on the experience of high school band, the significance of band in my own high school life, the hints of gay and the reality that I can’t have the experience I wanted to all sort of mush together into a ball of pain and feelings that I didn’t perfectly realize was there. An emotional knot rooted from my past that I need to work on untangling in the present. I guess that rounds out why I was having that reaction and gives me some things to work on. 

****

I wrote this out Wednesday night and woke up this morning to find out KyoAni, the production studio was the subject of a deadly arson attack. I’ve been thinking about it all day. The works they put out were beautiful, evocative and series I’ve treasured many years after viewing them. They are a standout in the animation industry for treating employees well. As of right now, there is a gofundme up for donations but it isn’t clear when or how that money will get to KyoAni (https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-kyoani-heal/). A more direct way of supporting is purchasing from their online store. There is a guide here: here  pic.twitter.com/N8pPN6uo72

[gethealthy18-blog]

101 Best Text Messages That Will Make Him Smile

New Post has been published on https://healingawerness.com/getting-healthy/getting-healthy-women/101-best-text-messages-that-will-make-him-smile/

101 Best Text Messages That Will Make Him Smile

101 Best Text Messages That Will Make Him Smile Harini Natarajan Hyderabd040-395603080 October 28, 2019

If you want to make your man smile gleefullywhenever he hears a notification on his phone,you are on the right page. Nothing feels better than knowing that you can make him happy with a single text. If you want your guy to blush and miss you in your absence, send him of these cute 101 messages that will make him smile from ear to ear and keep the sparks alive.

101 Best Text Messages That Will Make Him Smile

You make me the happiest girl in the world.

I must have been an angel in my last life to have you with me in this life.

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love it when you call me.

Thank you for putting up with my tantrums and treating me like a queen.

You are my real-life Superman.

You are the best person I have ever met.

You are hotter than hot chocolate.

I am so crazily in love with you.

“Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it’s evergreen and, baby, your smile’s forever in my mind and memory.” Ed Sheeran (Thinking Out Loud)

Shutterstock

You can make me blush with a single glance.

Since the day we met, I just can’t get you out of my head.

Sometimes, I feel bad for you that I got a perfect guy like you, and you are stuck with a hopeless lover like me!

Thank you for making me live a fairytale life.

You make me fall in love with you every single day.

Seeing your photos makes me smile like an idiot.

You take my breath away, sweetheart.

You are the treasure of my life.

“Something in the way she moves attracts me like no other lover. Something in the way she woos me.” The Beatles (Something)

You are the secret power that keeps me going even through a tiresome day.

Shutterstock

Half my selfies are to remind you that your girl is missing you.

Thinking about you also makes my day.

“God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt.” Blake Shelton (God Gave Me You)

The moment I say bye to you, I am thinking about when I can call you next.

All I can imagine is us cuddling together.

You are the closest person to my heart.

I can’t wait to be your wife someday.

I think we should workout together. They say a kiss burns 7 calories a minute, want to try?

“Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they’re tumbling down and they didn’t even put up a fight, they didn’t even make a sound.” Beyoncé (Halo)

There is not a single day when I do not think of you.

Shutterstock

A small text to remind you that you are loved a lot.

Imagining you holding me in your arms is the best thing to do all day.

You are my best Netflix and chill partner.

“Maybe I don’t know that much, but I know this much is true, I was blessed because I was loved by you.” Celine Dion (Because You Loved Me)

I had pictured us kissing months before we actually did.

You are either in my dreams or a part of my daydreams.

“Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections.” John Legend (All Of Me)

All my friends are jealous of how lucky I am to have a person like you in my life.

I feel so protected and safe when you are around.

You are a real-life hero who saves me from every problem.

Shutterstock

“Heaven is a place on earth with you.” Lana Del Rey (Video Games)

You are one in a million, and I am your crazy minion.

You make me so proud of you.

Forever seems small when it has you in it.

“Baby, you’re all that I want when you’re lying here in my arms, I’m finding it hard to believe we’re in heaven.” Bryan Adams (Heaven)

I love you more and most.

After meeting you, I realized, I have found my lobster.

I love you, 3000.

“And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, ’cause you’re amazing, just the way you are.” Bruno Mars (Just The Way You Are)

I can’t remember any situation when I was not thinking about you and smiling to myself.

Shutterstock

Be my Ironman, and I will take care of you like Pepper.

You keep the butterflies in my tummy alive forever.

“When you need some shelter from the rain when you need a healer for your pain, I will be there time and time again.” Leona Lewis (Here I Am)

You always dazzle me with everything you do.

You are the light without which I am lost completely.

“I’d never lived before your love, I’d never felt before your touch, and I never needed anyone to make me feel alive, but then again, I wasn’t really living.” Kelly Clarkson (Before Your Love)

You stole my heart, and now, I am going to steal your last name.

You keep me so happy, I don’t remember what life was before you came in my life.

You get my heart racing.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do like they were all yellow.” Coldplay (Yellow)

Shutterstock

I keep thinking of ways to make you laugh.

You are my home.

We might not be perfect as individuals, but as a couple, we are perfect.

“Thank you for loving me, for being my eyes when I couldn’t see.” Bon Jovi (Thank You For Loving Me)

Sometimes, I feel my bed is too huge for me. Want to hop in and share it with me?

You are my universe.

You are the peanut butter, and I am the jelly.

“I may not have the softest touch. I may not say the words as such. And though I may not look like much….I’m yours.” The Script (I’m Yours)

You have a smile worth dying for.

You made me fall in love with myself.

Shutterstock

“You’re still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, you’re still the one I want for life.” Shania Twain (You’re Still The One)

No matter how bad my day goes, I know talking to you will make everything right again.

You are so smart! Someday, my kids are going to thank me for finding you.

Just so you know, you are thoroughly missed.

“I’ll be better when I’m older. I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.” Edwin McCain

“And I can’t help but stare, because I see truth somewhere in your eyes.” Justin Timberlake (Mirrors)

I hope you are real because they say a perfect man does not exist.

“I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.” Elton John (Your Song)

Nobody feels me like the way you do.

I have the best friend and lover in the same person. How lucky could I get?

Shutterstock

“I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight, if it’s wrong to love you, then my heart just won’t let me be right.” Mariah Carey (My All)

I love you more and more each day.

I did not believe in love until I found you.

“And if you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes, and in no time, you’ll be fine.” Sade (By Your Side)

I watch scary movies with you just so you would hug me closer when I scream.

You are that part of me that was missing from my life.

There is no end to how much I love and care for you.

You never fail to turn me on.

I could wait my whole life to wake up next to you.

I promise to stand by you like a rock and keep you happy and strong forever.

Shutterstock

I didn’t believe in love at first sight. But I fall in love with you all over again, every single day.

“All your insecurities, all the dirty laundry, Never made me blink one time.” Katy Perry (Unconditionally)

You are my happily ever after.

There are no limits to how much I could do to keep you happy forever.

You will always top my search list, no matter what.

I might not always be by your side, but I will always be on top or under you!

I hope I get to be with you in every life.

“And when you’re needing your space To do some navigating, I’ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find.” Jason Mraz (I Won’t Give Up)

The only thing I want to change about you is your current location. I want it to be right next to me.

You are the person I am addicted to.

I will never get tired of loving you to the moon and back.

Shutterstock

These are the cutest 101 messages to send to the love of your life and make him feel special and loved. Watch him smile and let your love bloom into a long-term relationship – forever and always. Happy texting!

The following two tabs change content below.

Latest posts by Harini Natarajan (see all)

Harini Natarajan

Harini has over 12 years of experience in content writing and editing for online media. She specializes in the areas of business, health and wellness, and lifestyle and is proficient in Medical Sciences (Biology, Human Anatomy and Physiology, and Biochemistry). As the Chief Editor, Harini ensures that her team delivers interesting, engaging, and authentic content. Her background in Biomedical Engineering helps her decode and interpret the finer nuances of scientific research for her team. Harini is a certified bibliophile and a closet poet. She also loves dancing and traveling to offbeat destinations.

Source: https://www.stylecraze.com/articles/texts-to-make-him-smile/