#i also learned how to drive and actually drove by myself for the first time today despite my crippling driving anxiety!! i cried afterwards

[digitalworldbound]

dear digipals,

i apologize for the inactivity, but so many things have been happening all at once!

firstly, i got engaged in november! the wedding will be sometime, i think? ((he prefers pokemon over digimon, tho, so idk if we will make it to the altar))

secondly, as of this upcoming august, i will be an elementary music teacher! ((im actually using my degree! yay adulthood!))

im currently working on finishing my current wip, but i will try to have something new out soon ((by something new, i mean my usual takari/miyakari friends-to-lovers mutual pining i always write lol))

xoxo ur bestie,

digitalworldbound

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for making my partner feel bad about sex?

NSFW Warning for this one, tl;dr at bottom. Sent in May 26th, 2024, goat to locate later

🐐

I (23FtM) have been with my partner “Jake” (25M) for about seven months now. We met at work, were friends for a while, and decided to start dating after we realized we had feelings for each other

Please let me say that Jake is a good boyfriend. He takes me out, we share big purchases, our families get along, and he’s always been super supportive of me in the ways he can be. I would also like to say that I haven’t medically transitioned yet and very much do NOT pass as a man. Despite this, he’s never misgendered me and he’s always been really good about making me feel masculine.

So not long into our relationship, I disclosed to him that I have vaginismus (or whatever it’s called), and it means that I can’t really be on the receiving end of penetrative sex until I do some muscle therapy for my downstairs. Like it hurts when I try to insert anything into myself, always has since I was younger. No tampons, no fingers, especially no penises. Jake said this was fine and that he had confidence in his ability to make me feel good in other ways

Well… it’s been six months and I’ve never actually finished. He bought me a little rose toy to use, but he never grabs it while we’re intimate and when he does try to use it, he fumbles with it and decides not to use it and that me doing oral on him would just be easier. I can understand that for a quickie, we won’t have time to find what buttons to push that’ll make me finish, but most of the time we’re home alone, my roommates are out, and we’ve got all night.

And before anyone says anything: I have brought this up before. First time was what led him to buying the toy. It’s a good toy, I guess, but it does what my fingers would already do and he never takes the time to learn how to use it properly without hurting me. Second time I brought it up, he got really apologetic and asked me to use the toy while he touched himself next to me. I think that was the first time I finished in proximity to his body in our entire relationship. It didn’t feel good. Several friends pushed me to talk to him again, so I did.

I went to his place, Jake lives with his mom still, and I was trying to find a good place to talk to him, but he kept talking about work or his sisters or would turn on an anime that he knew I liked. The day ended with me giving him oral and then me going home. It almost seemed like he was going to reciprocate, but he hesitated and rolled off me. It really hurt my feelings, but I chickened out of telling him since he looked so happy to spend time with me.

Yesterday, he came over and I was finally able to squeeze in a joke about him being a “pillow princess” and his reaction was to get worked up and initiate sex to “prove” he wasn’t. It went the same as every other time - oral - him receiving, fumbling with toy, and then giving up. But he was smiling like he had done something revolutionary in our relationship and I just. Stared at him. He asked me what was wrong and I said hadn’t finished. He had a sad face now and said that there really wasn’t “much I can do while you’re, you know” while gesturing to my genitals.

I felt like crying, but I didn’t want to be the boyfriend who started crying over every little thing, so I just agreed with him and we cuddled until I drove him home. Before meeting Jake, sex was never a large part of any of my relationships. Half because I’m on the asexual spectrum, half because of my condition, so this would be my first serious sexual relationship. I love Jake, I love him so much, he was there for my when my mom passed away last year, and he was there for my college graduation.

On the drive back, he was really quiet so I asked him if he was alright. He said he was really hurt by my pillow Princess comment and asked me if I could take it back, that it made him feel like a bad boyfriend. I apologized for him feeling bad, but I didn’t outright take back what I said. He got out of my car still sad and I returned home feeling like k was gonna throw up.

So now I’m writing this to see if I fucked up. Maybe I should have been more assertive with my needs, maybe I should be more compromising so that everyone feels good. Idk.

TL;DR: I called my boyfriend a pillow Princess because he’s never made me finish during sex while I’m always serving him. He got upset and said I was calling him a bad boyfriend. Aita?

[cowboyjen68]

Hi!!

I just wanted to ask some advice from one butch to another.

I recently got my dream job of being a warden on a nature reserve (and i love it!), while interacting with people there I get called a young man very often (i am 18 lol) and it gives me euphoria to know im masculine enough to even pass as a man. I've also had some volunteers ask if I was a man or not (despite my feminine name).

But recently I got called a "lady" outside while out with my mother. It drove me INSANE I cried alot.

Don't get me wrong I do identify as a woman but I hate being seen as a lady.

I've even thought about using he/him pronouns recently and changing my name but i'm too scared to as most people won't understand bc im still a lesbian.

Is this strange?

ps love u and ur blog lots xx

This is an easy answer because I was 18 once and looked enough like a teenage boy that I got "hey sport" and "hey young man" all the time, especially when in my work clothes. I worked for The Mayor's Youth Corp in Iowa City in the summers of my 15th and 16th year. Mom and Dad let me get a work permit AND bought me a used Datsun Pickup so I could drive myself the 20 miles there and back each day.

I was a volunteer with the Corp of Engineers youth from 14 to 16 and Dad knew I was super excited about this job. Mom was not thrilled that I wanted to cut my hair but my "grand mullet" was really hot under the hard hat in the summer heat of Iowa. (in the 1980's boys and girls had the short in front long and permed in back look) We compromised and I cut the sides really short. (photo of my me at 16 in my uniform for reference)

Using "he" would never have occurred to me because "EWWW Boys". This is not to say, however, that I hated being mistaken for a boy, on the contrary, it felt good. When someone thought I was a young man it meant they treated me as such. They didn't talk down to me, I knew they assumed I was capable and willing to get dirty. I knew unconsiously that along with the mistaken identity came many perks. This was nothing I analyzed but little girls see very early on the difference in treatment they recieve from their brothers, male cousins and neighborhood boys. This difference leads us to become negotiators to control our circumstances and not entittled to treatment based on our skills and actual personalies.

When an adult recognized me as a boy, even for a second at first glance, I knew I didn't have to prove myself. They, for an instant, assigned to me words like "strong, capable, demanding etc". No negotations required.

When someone realized I was a girl they literally had a change in their face. They smiled at me, softened their voice. When I was called "young lady" or "Miss" it always seemed to be backed my the worst assumptions (in my mind anyway). Lady is steeped in all kinds of traits I didnt want assigned to me. "quiet, weak, likes to dress pretty"OR "motherly, submissive, meek" Nothing good in my teen brain, that is for sure. Lady felt so OLD, so married to a man and reliant on him for survival, so polyster pants and ugly flats and scratchy blouses with a flower imprint. NONE of these things are inherent to being a woman or even socially forced on us but that is not how things work sometimes. Words that describe people get stereotypes and myths and traits attached to them all the time. Woman and girl are no different.

I can tell you, the best feeling in the world when I was in that job was when my supervisor, who damn well knew I was a young woman, trusted me with all the same tasks as the boys. Who valued my opinions and abilities equally to the young men. He took time to teach me what I didn't know, just like with them and didn't assume I couldn't or didn't want to learn things on the job. He didn't shame ANYONE for not being strong enough or for getting tired or needing a break.

Don't let the assumptions of others force you into another box of conformity. You don't need a boys name or to use any pronouns you don't feel connected to just to please others. In fact, none of that effort will change perceptions of those around you. I can promise that one day being called Lady will just be another word that you can hear and know it does not change your personality or your interests or control the hope you have for your future. What does waste a lot of time and energy is trying to adjust things in your life to fit incorrect or snap assumptions about you as a person. You can never control the thoughts of those around you but what you can do is stop worrying about it and enjoy YOU.

You have a job you love and are sure to thrive in. You are solid in your sexuality and love of women, you are in a unique position to possibly change the perceptions of others when they think of "young women". Your interactions with the public are sure to effect the assumpions of at least some people when they think of young women and their roles in our society.

Congratulations on your new career and I bet you rock that uniform.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

I volunteer with an organization of very high needs disabled people and I have to say, they delight in using AI to put stories together. It even inspires them to make their own edits and additions, though many struggle with typing or verbal skills. I don't want to tell anyone how to feel but it seems like weird ideological purity policing to exclude them from a social event where they might connect to people and find community.

So my first question is: why AI specifically? Why not literally any other method of writing? If they're capable of doing edits/additions, then why can't they first write the story out using speech-to-text, or an AAC device, or dictate it to someone else, and then edit/add to it later?

Coming up with ideas/a plot is creative and requires skill, but it's a different kind of creativity and skill than actually writing it down/connecting those dots. Like, James Patterson doesn't write most of his books; he writes out long outlines for a ghostwriter to work off of, then makes notes or changes to the draft before sending it back to the ghostwriter. It would be unfair to say that he doesn't have any skills at all, but it would also be unfair to say that he wrote all of his books himself when they were actually mostly written by someone else. A lot of the time, movies will have separate credits for the person who came up with the idea and the person who actually wrote the screenplay, because they are separate things requiring different skills.

NaNoWriMo, as a concept, is about practicing the latter skill. You're presumed to have already learned how to come up with ideas – otherwise, what would you work on for a month? The actual work of crafting enough sentences that your story becomes a full text and not an outline is really fucking hard, and that's why so many writers get stalled at the ideas stage and never actually write anything. If you don't have those skills to start, that's okay, because most people don't! The whole point is to practice them over the month! And even if you never hit 50k (I haven't!), you can at least say that you practiced that skill. Even if you only wrote ten words a day because that's literally the most you can do, writing ten words every day for thirty days is still a huge accomplishment!

To use the marathon metaphor from the originating post: both driving a car and running a marathon are skills, but they are not the same skill. If you can't run a marathon – if you are just trying to get to the point where you can walk briskly for five miles without tasting blood when you breathe – reaching that goal is still an accomplishment, even if you're not full on running a marathon. If you are just starting to learn how to drive without having a panic attack, being able to do that is also an accomplishment, even if it's not the same thing as winning the Indy500. Modest goals are still goals and achieving them is a thing to be celebrated.

But I don't think it's ideological purity to say that there's a difference between achieving a very modest goal because the "full thing" is just not feasible for whatever reason, and achieving a totally different goal entirely. "I finally drove to the store and back all by myself!" is genuinely great, but not something you'd necessarily work on in your running group.

[broken-glowsticks]

What Once was Mine

Chapter 14 - Spending the Night

Genre: Childhood friends, Eventual Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Love corner/love triangle, love rivals, Series. Not all chapters will be proofread!!

Warnings: 18+, mdni, mentions of sex and alcohol consumption, additional warnings will be added to individual chapters as needed.

Previous • Main • Next

You felt better after talking to Felix, it helped you put your thoughts in order and make a decision.

After returning to the studio and finishing dinner, the boys returned to their work as you and Felix cleaned the trash from your meal. Following that Felix pulled out his homework, attempting to knock out as much as possible as you settled in and watched a movie on your tablet. It was quiet, but it was nice, the five of you simply enjoying having the others around.

It was a few minutes to one in the morning when all of you collectively decided to call it a night. Felix had groaned about how he was totally going to fall asleep in his first class of the day while Jisung sauntered over to you.

“I was going to crash at Chan's place tonight, do you need me to drive you home?”

“No, it's cool, I drove myself here, I can drive myself back,” you said with a thumbs up, one Jisung reciprocated.

“Okay, cool then. Text me the second you get home, I promise I'll be home again soon. We can have dinner together,” he said with a smile, pulling you into a tight hug. Changbin wasn’t the only one who missed seeing you.

“Actually, bunny,” Changbing said once you and Han had finished your hug and you had bussied yourself with collecting your belongings. “I came here with Chan and, I was thinking, maybe I could go home with you?” Changbins voice came out in a nervous whisper as he finished his sentence, causing goosebumps to flourish across your skin. “If that's okay, of course.”

“Of course it's okay,” you reply almost immediately, your voice also hushed. You almost melted at Changbins grin.

“Let's go then?” You nodded fervently at Changbin before hastily finishing collecting your things and giving everyone a goodbye hug.

“You gonna talk to him tonight?” Felix asked gently in your ear, so no one else could hear.

“Maybe, right now I just want to enjoy getting to have time with him.”

“Just don't chicken out,” Felix teased, making you scoff as you playfully shoved him away.

“Whatever, get home and get some sleep. We don't want you sleeping through all your morning classes.”

“Ready to go, Princess?” Changbin asked, appearing behind you and resting his hand on your waist. The two of you shared a smile as you nodded and Changbin gave a friendly goodnight to Felix.

“Goodnight you two~!” Felix called as you and Changbin walked out the door.

It was a surprisingly chilly night as the two of you left the building and made your way to your car. You were thankful to still be wearing Changbins jacket but also felt bad as he clung to you in what you assumed was an attempt to stay warm, however you were surprised when you reached your car and learned that actually Changbin had clung to you as a distraction while he, once again, swiped your keys. You decided to not complain, too cold and tired to argue, as you made your way to the passengers side and slid in.

It was a comfortable drive to your apartment. Changbins hand rested on your thigh as he drove while your arm had snaked around his, your eyes drifting closed as you focused on the momentum of the car and the gentle lull of your music coming from the car speakers. You were slowly starting to fully fall asleep when you were suddenly woken up by a gust of cold wind. Your eyes snapped open to see Changbin leaning over you, in the middle of taking off your seatbelt. When did you get to your complex?

“You woke up, thank God, I really didn't want to have to go through your stuff for your key,” Changbin chuckled as he slung your bag over his shoulder and lifted you from the passenger's seat.

You shuttered as your body was assaulted by the cold air, your mostly bare legs squeezing together to maintain as much body heat as possible. You prayed you'd get to your door soon as you clung to Changbin.

You didn't get to your door nearly as fast as you wanted, but were beyond grateful that when you handed Changbin the key and the two of you fell into your apartment that the air was warm.

“Bed time, bed time,” Changbin sang softly as he continued to carry you, making his way to your room and pushing the heavy door aside. “Do you wanna change?” His voice was low and muffled as he pressed a sweet kiss to your hair.

“Mmh, no, just wanna get to bed,” you mumbled, nuzzling roughly into Changbins’ neck. You weren’t sleepy anymore, having been jolted awake when Changbin took you from your car's warm cabin. All you wanted now was just to get cozy in bed and warm up with your boyfriend.

“Alright Princess,” Changbin chuckled, pulling back your fluffy comforter and attempting to lay you down only for you to refuse to let him go. “Someone's clingy tonight, ” he said with a small grin, one that grew when you began to pull him onto you, a small grin of your own.

“you're just warm,” you said as you wiggled, attempting to make room for him on the bed without letting him go.

“I'm supposed to sleep in my jeans?” Changbin teased as he lifted you towards the other side of the bed.

“You can take them off after you get in bed,” you replied, just drowsy enough to make you confident and shameless.

“Do you plan to help me, Princess?”

“I can,” you whispered, feeling the bed dip beside you and the press of Changbins’ kiss your forehead.

“Promise?” Changbins lips kisses continued across your face and down your cheeks before stopping at the corner of your mouth, “hmm?”

“Promise,” you breathed before slotting your lips against Changbins’, one hand coming to rest at the nape of his neck while the other trailed down his torso to hook a finger into his jeans. Your thumb swiped over the button a few times, smiling playfully until Changbins teeth caught your lower lip, tugging at it harshly and causing you to yelp.

“Don't tease, Princess,” he warned, a hand sliding under your shirt to swipe at your covered nipple.

You mewled softly at the sweet tingle before giggling, muttering a small apology before working Changbins button loose and dragging down his zipper. Changbin laid in wait, keeping himself busy by kissing and gently licking at your sore lip while you slid your hand into his pants and palmed his stiffening cock. A low groan vibrated in Changbins throat as you pumped this shaft a few times then swirled your thumb over his tip.

“Plan on spoiling me again, Princess?” Changbins voice was breathier than he anticipated as he spoke between kisses, kisses that grew sloppier as you continued to tease his tip, collecting his arousal.

“More than you know.”

“Bunny, are you sure, I thought you were tired?” Changbin teased, rubbing his nose against yours.

“I’m sure,” you breathed, lifting yourself from the bed and pushing your boyfriend on his back before climbing on top.

“Binnie, I've missed you,” you said candidly as you began to trail your hands up Changbins’ abs, lifting his shirt as you spoke, “I want to be closer to you. I want you. I especially want to finish what we started in the pizza parlor, y'know… before things got awkward,” you finished with a shy little giggle. As you spoke, a bashful smile spread across your boyfriend's face. It made you want to ride it.

“Lift your arms please,” you instructed, removing the fabric of his shirt from his body before tossing it aside, your hands roaming as you leaned down and kissed up Changbins torso to his eager lips. As you kissed, your hands continued to feel him up, inching downward until they once again landed at his jeans. “Lift your hips.”

Obediently Changbin lifted his hips, allowing you to yank his jeans down far enough to let his dick spring free before interrupting your momentum.

“Am i supposed to just lay here naked, while you're still wearing all of this?” Changbin asked, his hands tugging at your shirt and his jacket.

“You make a very fair point,” you conceded, leading changbins hands to the waistband of your shorts and lifting your hips. With ease, Changbin yanked the material down, bringing your panties down as well.

You gasped as the comparatively cold air hit your already dripping cunt and the need to ride Changbins’ face hit you again. Without a word you stood above him on the bed, his curious eyes watching you intently as you kicked your shorts and panties from the bed and dropped to your knees over his head, your core hovering above his lips.

“I didn't know I'd be getting dessert,” Changbin said with a grin, his arms hooking around your legs and fingers gripping the plush of your thighs.

“Been wanting to do this for a while,” you said, hands finding your headboard as you looked down at him.

“I have too,” Changbin admitted before closing his eyes and diving in.

Your breath hitched as his tongue swiped over you, his warm muscle collecting your wetness before swirling around your eagerly awaiting clit. Repeated, low groans pushed through your pressed together lips, the blissful sensation causing you to close your eyes and tilt your head back as you felt Changbin lick and suck. It felt so good and you just couldn't help but begin to rock your hips over his pretty lips.

Changbins’ grip tightened on your thighs, his fingers digging your skin as loud, sloppy noises began mixing with your increasingly pitched up moans. Those moans began to turn into near screams as Changbin dipped his tongue between your folds, his nose rubbing harshly against your now sensitive clit. It was getting harder to focus and keep yourself upright, you didn't even realize when your legs had given out and you had fully released your weight onto Changbins’ face, all you were aware of was the overstimulating sensation of your boyfriend absolutely devouring your as your vision began to get foggy.

“Binnie… B-Bin…!” You slurred, trying to warn him with shallow pants of your growing orgasm. But words failed and soon you were creaming all over his face, your hand fisting his soft, black curls as you rocked your hips harder against his face, riding out your euphoria. Your orgasm hit you so hard that your knees gave way, causing you to topple over and land on the bed with a soft thud.

Changbin didn't give you a moment to let you recover, kicking off his pants and boxers entirely before climbing over you. You had managed to get a good look at him, your white slick stuck to his face, before he wiped it off with his arm and crashed his lips against yours. The two of you kissed fervently, limbs wrapping around each other as you tried to etch the absolutely erotic image of you cum all over his face into your brain.

“Condoms… bedside drawer,” you mumbled between kisses, your nails dragging across Changbins’ back.

Changbin shuttered at the sensation, savoring your kisses for a few seconds more before pulling back. You whined at the loss of his warmth, caushing Changbin to playfully pinch at your skin a few times.

“Do you wanna do this, or not?” He teased, turning his attention back to the side table drawer, rifling through the damn thing before finally finding a condom tucked between a headband and a random sock. “Found you,” Changbin grinned, turning back to you and tapping the corner of the small wrapper against your lips. “Help me?”

With a giggle you opened your mouth, taking the corner between your teeth. Together the two of you opened the wrapper and Changbin slid the condom over his almost too-stiff dick with ease before slotting himself back between your legs.

“Ah, I'm suddenly getting a little shy,” You blurted as Changbin glided the tip between your folds, collecting the slickness from your orgasm.

“I kind of am too,” he admitted, slowly beginning to push in the tip, “I wanted this during our last date, but you weren't ready…” Changbins voice was low and soft as he slowly eased himself into you. He was girthier than you remembered, this felt different than when you took him into your mouth the day you spoiled him. The stretching of your walls as Changbin filled you caused a strange swirl of pain and pleasure to wash over you, making it hard for you to focus on his words. “I'm glad I get to do this with you now.”

When Changbin finally bottomed out, a sharp jolt of electricity cut through the mix of pain and pleasure, causing you to reflexively claw at his back, your cunt squeezing around him. Changbin hissed out a swear as he stilled, gritting his teeth at your nails on his back while you adjusted to the foreign sensation. He wasn’t focused on your scratching anyway.

“God, you feel so good, bunny,” Changbin muttered, pressing kisses to your neck and behind your ear.

“You're so big…” you admitted in a hush.

“Does it hurt, baby?” You shook your head adamantly, your arms circling his broad shoulders tightly.

“‘S just different… Don't break me,” you joked, rocking your hips as a sign that Changbin could move.

His actions were slow at first, a gentle attempt to acclimate you to his girth. You appreciated his tact at first, it felt as if one wrong move and Changbin truly could split you in two, but as your body grew used to his width, the more you wanted more. You couldn't quite place your finger on it, but something about the size of your boyfriend - both in stature and girth - made you want him to treat you much rougher than he currently was. You adored how he didn't want to hurt you, how he cared for you so deeply and wanted to cherish you. But you so desperately wanted him to put his strength to use, for him to pin you down or toss you around. You felt like he was holding back and wanted him to let go.

“Binnie, baby, I'm okay now,” you purred into his ear, “you don't have to hold back anymore. It won't hurt.”

“Bunny, are you sure?” Changbin all but groaned, his hips stuttering for just a second as his grip on his self control slipped. “What if I hurt you?” Locking your gaze with his, you gave your boyfriend's heart quite the pulse with the salacious gaze you gave him.

“I like a little pain.”

Those five little words were all he needed. Without even removing himself from you, Changbin circled his arms around you, pulling you close to him before rearing back and lifting you off the bed entirely, sitting himself on his knees. Mercilessly he began drilling into your pussy, strong arms holding you up with ease. It was as if you weighed no more than a basket of feathers.

The change of position allowed Changbin to hit your favorite spot and all you could do was hold on for dear life as the sounds of squelching and your euphoric cries filled the air. You weren't going to last long in this position, you were still rather sensitive from your first orgasm and Changbin was absolutely slamming into your cunt. Before you could even realize it was building, you were creaming all over Changbin's thick dick, but he didn't relent, continuing his assault to your cervix.

One of Changbin's hands came to rest on the curve of your ass, his hand kneading into the flesh as he guided your hips in a motion he desired. You barely had any strength in you, but somehow you managed to gather enough to comply, angling your hips as Changbin pounded into you over and over again.

“God, I'm gonna cum, bunny. Fuck. Baby, I'm gonna cum so hard,” Changbin growled against your collar, his teeth grazing the skin only to clamp down once he hit his high. Your body bounced as Changbin's hips faltered before stilling entirely, his length filling you so entirely that you almost came again yourself. The only thing that was keeping you grounded was the sting of Changbins’ teeth bared against your skin.

With a few more rolls of his hips, Changbin finally came down from his high, his tongue running gently over where he bit you. He never let you go.

“That's gonna leave a mark,” he mumbled idly, ghosting his lips over the sore spot. You winced slightly but giggled all the same. You were fine with it if it did, you liked the idea of having a little memento from tonight.

“As long as you didn't break skin, it's fine.”

“I got lucky then,” Changbin replied with a small chuckle, pulling your face to his for a sloppy kiss, one you returned eagerly. Maybe a little too eagerly, as you started to feel heated again, excitement thrumming under your skin as you caught his tongue and sucked. Changbin gave a little grunt at your action, his hand wrapping around the back of your neck and pulling himself from this kiss reluctantly. “Trying to egg me on for another round?”

“And if I am?” Your hooded eyes looked at him daringly, your question a challenge.

“Then I'm gonna fuck you so hard you're not gonna be able to walk, Princess.”

“Promises, promises,” you teased with a giggle, biting your lower lip before Changbins stole it with his teeth and plopped you back onto the bed.

---------------------------------------

I'm baaaaaaaaaack. Soooooo I have a good chunk of the story planned, almost all the way up to the end. My husband gave me a laptop, and I've been slowly getting back into the groove of writing!

I don't plan on posting every week like I used to, jfc... How the hell did I ever manage that? I might post only monthly. All I know is that when I do post it will still be on Saturdays.

Taglist: @groovygroovyhyunjin @hhwangsmoon @luvyblossom @doggezz @kayleefriedchicken @hyunjinhoexxx @zadkielr @bincxtesworld @jisunglyricist @kpop-kink @amarecerasus @its-kitten-now

[milfsloverblog]

Hi author! How are you? I hope everything is going well for you!I wanted to ask you how the learning to drive/driving license process is going?I hope everything is going well and that you are not too stressed. (no kidding practical driving looks so stressful💀In order not to stress you out further, I will refrain from mentioning everything that I find stressful 😁 nice, huh?😁)I also wonder if you gave your car a nickname (if so, is it the famous "titine"? Or do the Belgians have another common name for their vehicle?)Well I think that's about it😅See you later author! Take care!

Hiya Max!! I’m doing alright, I hope you are too! It’s….definitely going hahaha!! Drove through the city for the first time yesterday and it made me realise that I shouldn’t be scared of myself, I should actually be scared of other drivers because what the fuck!!! Some people are actually crazy on the road 😵‍💫 I actually had a mental breakdown last week trying to enter a roundabout because I kept stalling, I got out of the car in a fury and slammed my door before walking around the car, opening the passenger’s door and telling my partner to get out of the car and do it himself. He couldn’t stop laughing while I was FURIOUS. But I laugh about it now hahaha!

I haven’t got my own car yet since I’m still learning, so I drive my partner’s. But, I did give it a name which has now become its official one hahaha, it’s a wordplay on his nickname and “Batmobile”. I believe titine is a common car name here tho!

Always a pleasure, take care Max!!

[araminthe]

8 October, Tuesday 2024

Ouffffff

Last time I updated was almost a month ago and let me tell you that sooo much has happened.

(Needed to take some time for myself, and so much happened, didn't have the energy, nor felt the need to share on tumblr)

So,

Main events of the previous month:

- Had multiple outings with friends and family, was soo much fun, made some life memories ♡

- School started, I had to start this year in a degree I don't like, but hey I met soo much girls/friends and we happened to have so much in common, imagine my surprise when I discover thar one of them knows my cousin 🤨, so guess those 3 weeks in this degree were worth it ✨️✨️

- Now, the NEWS I was expecting since the start of september, I wanted to change studies to go into science and I GOT ACCEPTED. Well I have almost 3 weeks of classes to catch up on but at least I LOVE what I'm learning and studying. I definitely did not feel that in my previous degree, but now it's like I can finally exploit my skills and knowledge. I feel like im in the right field. Youhouuu! 🎉

(I'm also on the same campus than a cousin of mine and 2 close friends, isn't everything soo great? I rarely saw them before but now we often cross paths hehe, that's one of the perks of studying in the city you grew up in)

- I also met with multiple close friends I hadn't seen for a long time so it's also a positive note.

- Today, I had my first driving lesson, I never drove a car before so I will have to take between 30 and 35 hours of lesson.

Almost 60euros per lesson, oh gosh that's so expensive 💀💀💀💀

And my cousin only had to drive 20hours. HAAAAAA. *expressing frustration

And omg the instructor literally tried to intimidate me, I think she was testing me, she invaded my personal space, and I was like "Hehe alright when do we start " 😀 Ughh, help.

- I also watched the 2nd season of jjk, and damn gege, stop making the fans suffer.

(I never watch animes even tho I love them, so for me that was also an accomplishment)

Anddd that's it I guess.

Now

Personal goals:

Did I stop scrolling? No, but I'm not extremely addicted anymore, I can stop and not be distracted when I study so it means I improved on that point.

Those last 6 months struggles paid off it means 😁

(But I need to be careful to not fall back into it, I think it could easily happen)

I'm also including short exercices in my routine.

Stretching more often.

I still don't eat healthy, on this aspect I'm doing really bad at the moment 😓

But, I can study without distractions and actually work my lessons, that's a W.

What else could I mention?

Sleep: I have a nice sleep schedule now, I managed to sleep early almost every night and wake up early in the mornings, I feel rested and great.

Mental health: I think it's adulthood doing that to me but I've started to go from optimistic to pessimistic. I discovered lots of new negative feelings during the last year, I don't like how I'm changing negatively.

I guess I just had a taste of reality, not everything's perfect, neither are people, I guess I've started to come out of my bubbly wrapped pink dusted innocent view of life. Welcome to reality as they say. People are not as nice as I had always thought. I'm starting to not like people. But I only became 19 recently after all, i feel like a child mentally, am I not 1 year old in adulthood?

Anyway, I just want to be nice for the sake of it, does it mean they will see me as naive ans stupid? Well I am not, I just chose to be kind.

Let me fight evil with kindness.

Also need to work on my faith, because without it I lose my inner peace.

And to finish, let's talk about health; well, health wise I'm really not doing great. I really can't handle the humidity in my city and everyday I feel like im about to have a heart attack in the sense that I feel this humidity in my head, heart, bones, nose, throat, EVERYDAY. I really don't feel great, and I KNOW that's its because of how humid everything is.

I'm even 80% sure that it's because of the humidity that I developed so much allergies. Screw bad healthcare and bad doctors, in 6 years, couldn't they tell me that I was suffering everyday single day because I had developed so many allergies? Maybe it should have been obvious when I told them that I sneezed literally hundreds of times per day and had a very runny nose every day of the year FOR 6 YEARS

(I feel resentment)

Well.

Overall life has been 70% positive, 30% negative.

So much great things happened and I'm really happy but life's not easy for anyone and like any lambda human, I have my deal of problems.

But well, I think our purpose as humans is to keep trying to BE better and DO better.

So I won't give up, for the sake of my own life.

And we always have more good things in life than bad, others sometimes even have it worse, we just need to be open minded enough to see all the great things that have been granted to us.

Goodnight people.

N'abandonne pas, ça va aller <3

Crois en toi et continue à faire des efforts ✨️

[beevean]

Something happened that lead me to think.

Yesterday, I read a long message that was left to me on November 24 (it was on Messenger and I don't use FB anymore): an old friend of mine, that abandoned me 10 years ago, wrote me a long, long letter of apologies for her past behavior.

We were close, although long distance, friends. I was 16-18, and she was two years older than me. She was a very intelligent, studious girl, and we could relate to each other for our shyness and lack of friends among other things. But she suffered from OCD and depression, things I honestly did not know how to handle at the time, and they interfered with our relationship. She was extremely insecure, constantly doubting that I cared about her, acting up if I invited my classmates over to study together, making me feel responsible for her staying alive.

Long story short, she eventually found herself a boyfriend and decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore. I think she said something like "being together with you isn't stimulating anymore".

(btw, in her letter she offhandedly mentioned that now she has understood her sexuality better, which doesn't surprise me - I can believe she had a crush on me and it manifested in a terrible way. I myself sometimes consider her my first girlfriend :\)

She and my father "abandoning" me at the same time caused me suicidal thoughts that to this day I'm battling with. But I eventually forgave my father: I think he paid enough for what he did. With her, I honestly thought I'd never hear from her again. I tried to learn my lesson, and honestly I strived to never become like her. Which I failed to do, sadly.

And I haven't responded to her yet because I honestly don't know where to begin. It's been ten years, and while I'm in a better place than where she left me off, I'm not exactly in a good place either. But... just the thought of contacting me after a decade to apologize? Was the guilt really that strong?

And then, today my boyfriend made a surprise visit to talk face to face.

I thought he was also done with me after we spent a month essentially making each other sick. I was trying to move on, because really, I'm not going to cry again for the umpteenth person who gets tired of me (a mentality I "learned" from this old friend of mine, that eventually I'll bore everyone away), but yes, I was thinking all this time "man, five years down the drain, what a waste".

And what does he do when he showed up? He apologized to me. He realized that I was right about some of the things I told him. That he gets passive-aggressive when angry, that he's excessively proud, that sometimes his advice got too insistent. He thought about it, and he drove to my house (it's an one hour drive) to speak to me with his heart in his hand, fully knowing that I could have said that I don't love him anymore or I found someone else.

We made up. I have made my mistakes, I need to change as a person, but I honestly, honestly appreciated that he made the effort to actually examine himself and ask for closure.

So... I guess the takeaway from this is that I, too, deserve to be apologized to. I always feel like I'm a screw up and everything I do is wrong and I need to constantly apologize myself. It's what I argued with my boyfriend over. So, as self-centered as this may sound, yes I do feel better about myself now.

But also, I'm constantly afraid of reaching out to people for fear of rejection, or that it's too late to make amends or anything. And yet look at this. An apology after ten years. I really should take this to heart.

[supermightyglue]

omgg im so obsessed with your jackass oc’s. i dont have a specific headcanon request but could you write more about a main cast girl?

yesssss yes !! & thank u sm that means the world <3 i have many more ideas and am gonna post actual headcanons and stuff but for now take this very random and very specific shit

her nickname is pissbaby. i have said it before but i must say it again so everyone is aware. she got it growing up and tbh there isn’t a real reason for it other than the fact that she has pissed herself a few times

went to the met gala with knox (was def invited before he was tho)

braids pontius’ hair a lot. does his hair in general. she’s good with hair styling nd even cuts her own

was the one to receive the off road tattoo

is always paired with knox (and tremaine sometimes) for press shit

has a lot of modeling/movie offers but tbh she just wants to skate and do stunts and travel and hang out with her guys

ik i said she cant cook but i changed my mind. cooking is lowkey her love language. she’s a vegetarian but doesn’t mind cooking meat if someone wants it. a long day filming? invites everyone over and cooks for them.

doesnt cook for herself tho. the queen of struggle meals. buys a lot of cereal

also always let’s ppl crash at her place. pontius is there a lot cuz the whole living in his van situation. he and steve were in her (iconic) cribz ep

present for most of the wildboyz trips even if she didn’t appear in the episode. she loves animals and traveling and learning about other cultures so it was like heaven for her

CRAZY stupid .. like, almost as bad as knoxville. she somehow was able to get in the bullpen and it scared the shit out of everyone (especially steve o)

honestly she doesn’t like fucking with animals and doesn’t wanna do anything to hurt them. she feels bad for certain things they do and regrets stressing them out

and she can be really sweet, but with animals? she is practically a different person. she turns into such a softie

has a few doggies. all rescues and with disabilities because she gets sad when people don’t want them

probably closest to the wildboyz, especially pontius. but knox too, and dunn <3

super fond of preston too. he’s so sweet and she can’t help but adore him

ppl swear either chris or pj is her soulmate (myself included nd i cant decide who pls help me)

always down for skate sessions

is sponsored by powell peralta (and is kinda at war with bam because he thinks his element sponsorship is better)

very fashionable. an it girl. (again, i picture her as devon aoki)

super scrappy and will fight a grown man

she knows how to fall because she’s a skater but she also has gotten some GNARLY injuries. usually to her head. always has bruises

knows first aid and she isn’t a medic obv but she has been SUPER helpful in certain situations

literally unable to drive, and yet, she drove for part of the gumball rally .. she managed to genuinely scare the guys. she doesn’t have her license for a reason.

one of those ppl who genuinely does not need deodorant but unfortunately the smell of jackass clings to her

has a lot of girl friends. she is a girl supremacist. we don’t blame her.

she can be really mean sometimes but most of it is on accident. she just doesn’t have a filter. the guys don’t really care tho, she fits in

ska music enthusiast. and a deadhead

so she doesn’t puke and doesn’t get grossed out HOWEVER she refuses to take part in that yucky shit. hell no. that’s what crosses the line.

once the guys collected a cup of their mixed sweat and poured it on her and she has never been so mad. like, she gets mad, she has a temper, but she lost her shit in a way that she never has before. made them turn off the camera. knoxville was the one to pour it—no one else was brave enough. tremaine was even on the fence about it. she ended up breaking knox’s nose. he was a good sport about it. they didn’t fuck with her in that way ever again

she can be kinda mean but it’s usually on accident cuz she has no filter. but for the most part the guys don’t give a fuck and it’s funny

interviewers and paps can be really really rude and sexist and the guys can’t help but get pissed and say stuff because they love her. BUT they also know that no one is better at defending her than she is. don’t fuck with her. ever. she will practically end someone’s career. she does not give a shit

[ellecdc]

Hi elle i was the anon whose results were supposed to come out today. well, my average fell by two grades. i'm not happy, my parents are not happy. I passed barely with decent scores. I'm going to a mediocre business school this fall (if they even want me) yay i guess. that's it for the update im going to go jump off a cliff now

should i just stop my education? anyways my stupidity and mental health doesn't allow it guess the futures not very bright after all

I'm sorry that it's taken me a few days to respond to this; I will admit I've been having a difficult time myself and didn't feel I had it in me to give this ask the response it deserves.

instead of babbling off motivational quotes about how "it'll all be alright in the end; if it's not alright then it is not yet the end" etc etc, I will tell you a story.

my best friend growing up [and one of my dearest friends still to this day] failed her written drivers test seven times [I don't think either of us really remember the actual number because every time we tell the story, the number grows more and more lol, but it was certainly at least 4-5 times]. Today? She's driving around and we laugh and laugh whenever we tell the story.

my first degree was in psychology. when I was 17-21, my mental health was at an all time low, particularly in my first and second year, and by the third [and then my fourth] I was so unbelievably tired of school... I failed. I failed a lot of classes. I failed a sociology class, I failed my first year intro to psychology! [basically psych 101 - as a psych major], and a few statistics/math courses!

in fact, in my second year I decided to take one class online while my other four were all in person. I submitted the first quiz in that online class and then nothing else for the rest of the semester. I never logged on again, never dropped the course, and by the time I realized what I'd done [or bothered to consider the consequences of putting this class 'out of sight, out of mind'] it was during exam season, and I knew I hadn't learned a single thing in that course and was going to fail, so I never even showed up to the final exam.

you know what I finished that class with? 8%.

on my university transcript, I have an 8%. I didn't just fail, I FAILED.

and you know what else? I got my degree anyway

I have a degree hanging in my office; a degree that saw a lot of tears, a lot of pain, a lot of failures, and a lot of doubts. sometimes I still wonder if I even deserved the degree, seeing as how I was anything but studious or invested in my academics. I graduated, and it was not with honours nor anywhere near top of my class, but I graduated

I even worked for two years in the field immediately post graduation. not only did I get the degree, I also got the job

and then....I took my transcript from my first university - that same transcript that has an 8% on it - and applied to another university....and got accepted

and remember that friend I mentioned? the same one who failed her drivers test an 'obscene' amount of times? she went to nursing school, and did really well. she's a devoted care taker and if anything ever happened to me [or any of my loved ones], I would absolutely want her in charge of my care.

well, she failed her nursing exam. she was devastated; this was all she'd ever wanted to do, the only career she ever saw herself in, and she'd devoted so many years trying to get here

so I reminded her about the drivers test. and I said "sweets, what are we doing right now?" and she was like "...talking?" and I was like "no shut up; right now we are sitting in your car in a McDonald's parking lot that you drove us to...with your license that you got. So yeah, maybe you failed your nurses exam, but you also failed your drivers test, yet here you are almost seven years later having driven an incalculable number of kilometres. you failed your test and it probably sucked at the time, but today we laugh about it and it's nothing but a moment in time. you will nurse one day, and this will be merely a moment in time that you may not even fully remember."

so.......all this to say; tests are sometimes meant to be failed. that's not a comforting thought, and I'm sorry, but you either pass or you fail [or you pass but aren't please with your marks]. and right now this feels big, and right now it feels heavy, but one day this moment and these feelings will only be a memory or a moment in time. I've never been anything but a mediocre student until I went back to college in 2020 [I was twenty four at the time!], and yet I still graduated high school, got accepted to university, failed classes, graduated university, and got accepted to university again.

my friend failed her drivers test numerous times yet owns her own car and drives everyday. she failed her nursing exam yet still tends to patients in hospitals and nursing homes today.

don't stop your education, don't jump off a cliff, and don't be too hard on yourself - it's a moment in time, you're building your lore, and you will be okay.

xx

[moonjxsung]

i’ve been a fan of your work for a while but for some reason have never sent an ask about it, so today’s the day.

all of your fics are so captivating and beautiful in their own ways, but there’s something about ‘Snowed In’ that has me in a chokehold. it’s one of my comfort reads and i find myself gravitating back to it whenever i’m in the mood to read but can’t be bothered looking for something new. the toxicity of both characters and their relationship is so human. idk how else to explain it. you perfectly painted the shades of grey hidden within the whites and blacks of a toxic relationship. the blur between who’s right and wrong, the layers that make us multifaceted humans, the swirling fear/shame of finding comfort in familiarity. the grey that pulls ppl back into relationships that would otherwise be easy to leave if they were merely black and white.

the part about the lilies and it’s reflection of their relationship dynamic is so… idek how to describe it. it feels degrading yet beautiful, violating yet vulnerable all at once. i’m a sucker for characters who get lost in their art/passion. characters who struggle to find where the canvas ends and reality begins. i think it’s bc i’m surrounded by creative ppl irl and consider myself somewhat creative too. so the way you wrote hyunjin felt very familiar in some ways. his character is what many are capable of if they let their ego or passions get the best of them. the beauty of art and creativity just makes it easier to fool/hide.

i had more to say, but i’m trying to avoid rambling too much lol so i’ll just leave it at this. basically, my main points are that your writing is incredible and thank you so so much for creating one of my fav comfort reads on this app (and in general tbh).

also if it’s not already taken, could i possibly be 🍓anon? or if that’s taken then 🫐 anon?

HIIIIII my lovely! first of all YES you can absolutely be 🍓 anon, I’ll add you to the anon list now 🥹

Your dissection of “Snowed In” is possibly the best one I’ve ever had the pleasure of receiving so far. You absolutely gathered the intention of the piece, without completely shutting out the character of both figures in the story. I had several people message me after I first published it, expressing severe distaste for the character of either person, and I completely understand why some might feel that way. But I think there’s something to be said about the very human sides of characters, and how their own traits can sometimes drive them apart or even insane when they hit the lows.

I actually wrote that piece one day after a surgery in June of last year, and I was simultaneously high on pain meds and taking regular breaks to get updates about the titan submersible incident, so I always joke about how my mind was in such a strange place at the time. I wasn’t thinking very heavily about love, or long-lasting relationships, rather I was confined to my bed for several days and ruminating on all the human traits I possess that may have led to the death of some of my relationships. I have my fair share of passions that drove me insane, boundaries I crossed, methods I intentionally engaged in to coax these very deep-seated emotions out of the other person. And things ended badly, but they’re still realities I carry with me to this day. It’s more of a story worth telling rather than a lesson to be learned, or some fairytale ending. But it’s a story, nonetheless.

Thank you so much for this. You’re absolutely lovely and I’m so glad you found some solace in this piece 🥹 sending all my love to you, I hope you have an amazing week 💖💞✨👼

[tennfan2]

Nice to Meet You (Again)

(Oh hey - it’s my first scene log in… a long damn time! Also, Daisy? Put the card for this away while you read.)

First, a confession: my thing with memory play is that it kind of pisses me off that people are able to do it. I mean, I’m happy for them, but it’s always been kind of elusive for me. As a result, I’ve always had kind of mixed success with it as a hypnotist.

So when my friend Daisy, who I’d been talking with since last summer and doing online trancy things with since the fall, mentioned being sort of curious about it, I was happy to play around. She’s a really good subject - someone who just inherently “gets it” - so I felt pretty good about the possibilities.

So, over a few weeks, we played with some simple things and over time we built a metaphor I really love. The idea is this: our brains are reference libraries, our memories are books, and there sure are a ton of books there, right? Too many to keep up with. So we all have a card catalog we can flip through to find the right one. The books never leave (it’s a reference library, obviously) but if you lose the card that tells you where it is? Then it’s essentially impossible to find.

I learned that Daisy would be arriving to Charmed a day before I’d be able to get there, but since I live nearby, I had an idea. What if I picked her up on Wednesday evening and had her forget I’d done so, giving us two chances to meet for the first time?

I threw out the idea during one of our conversations and it was quite well received. I believe the response was just “HOT. Hot.”

A couple of weeks before Charmed, I had her in trance and walked through the particulars of the plan, and let her know that there was no need to remember that we’d even talked about it. Her (very excellent) brain did the rest and over the ensuing days she knew that we’d discussed… something, but there was no clue as to what.

So there I was, pulling up to the airport on the Wednesday before Charmed, and there she was, waiting on the curb. It had been a long time since I’d had that kind of moment–the one that comes from months of conversation and phone calls and Skype trances and that joy of finally meeting someone who felt like an old friend in the flesh. All joy, all around.

We got into the car and started driving and chatting, but I looked at my GPS and realized I’d totally overestimated the drive from the airport to the hotel. I quickly asked her if I could do a thing, and she agreed; I put her into trance as we drove and reminded her about the plan:

I’d take her to the hotel and get her settled, but as soon as I left, she’d forget how she got there, remembering only a lovely rideshare ride with a very nice driver. She’d know she’d gotten there safely and it would all make good sense in her mind. I also planted some other Easter eggs for the weekend, and helped reinforce some safety suggestions we’d built over the time we’d be playing.

We got to the hotel and she checked in, I went up to her room with her and got her settled, and then headed for home. Friends, it was *audaciously* hard to pry myself away. But I knew the payoff would be worth it.

She actually texted the next afternoon to see when I’d be arriving with my merry band of carmates, who I’d told about my plan, but when we arrived, she was engaged as a demo bottom and eager learner in Wiseguy’s first-day class! It was hilarious because I’d rounded up most of my covid pod for the weekend to watch the big reveal, and they were… slightly impatient as we awaited her getting out of class.

But when she arrived from class? It was pure, unmitigated joy, again. I knew it would be fun to meet her twice for the first time, but I can’t overstate how cool it was.

The look on her face to “finally” meet was so real, so joyful. It was as close as one could get to perfect. I introduced her to my friends, and then leaned in to ask… “is there anything you need to remember?”

Y’all. Y’ALL. It could not have been better. Her eyes rolled up and fluttered for what seemed like a minute, but was probably just a few seconds. Seeing the memories return to her mind in real time was unlike anything I’d ever really experienced. She turned to me, said “... you little shit.” (a term of endearment - take my word for it) and then just collapsed into a squat for… a while.

It was so fun, so exciting, and so incredibly cool to do this, and I’m so grateful to Daisy for letting poke around in her brain (which is a truly excellent co-conspirator in all of this). What a great way to start a great weekend.

[despairing-disaster]

Literally nobody is thinking about this rn except for me, but fuck it. Here’s some food for the Arturo enjoyers ig.

Since ep 10, I’ve seen a few people try and speculate on what the exact situation was with his home life and sister, why he left and why this apparently drove her to suicide. Maybe it’s a weird thing to speculate on, but I’ve been thinking about it myself after coming across a few theories shortly after the episode aired and mostly disagreeing with them. Namely, I saw a few people speculate that Arturo’s sister may have been abusive to him and he left because of that abuse, but with his sister being younger than him (not that a younger sibling can’t abuse an older sibling, but it seems less common than the inverse due to age and power structures) and having killed herself as a result of him leaving, it feels unlikely. Not to mention the implication that would leave if it were true: a victim being blamed for his abuser’s suicide. Even if MonoTV were that cruel in the phrasing of it’s motives, it just seems like it’d be a bad call for a fangan creator to imply that in any capacity.

My first thought bouncing off of it though was that both he and his sister may have been abused or neglected by their parents. Arturo, being older, may have been able to get out sooner, but may have done so without any consideration for his sister, not taking her with him, not informing anyone about the situation at home, possibly not even telling her he was leaving. Essentially, he may have abandoned her, and with him out of the house, his parents may have ramped things up with her alone, driving her to suicide. If this were the case, it would make sense why he would blame himself, but I've actually thought about things a bit more and I think there may be another possibly likely scenario.

Arturo, despite his young age, is incredibly medically knowledgeable. He’s prodigious enough to have presumably been working as a surgeon in high school, so he’d have to be even if his specialty is in cosmetics, and he’d have to have learned what he did somewhere. Additionally, he seems to have a strong aversion to being forced to take care of people. Granted, he’s an asshole to almost everybody in the cast, and you could chalk it up to that, but we also know that J’s aversion to femininity seemed to have deeper roots to it after her full name and backstory was revealed so it could be indicative of something more significant. All this to say Arturo may have been in a position where he was forced to spend his childhood and teen years taking care of his sister because she may have had some kind of chronic illness. If his parents didn’t have enough money, expertise, or empathy to take care of her or get her necessary treatment on their own, or shit, even if they were just busy all the time, he may have been stuck looking after her, developing feelings of animosity towards her as a result of being forced into this position all the while she depended upon him. With him leaving, she may have not only felt abandoned but may have been unable to get the treatment she needed to live a more comfortable life, and that could have been what drove her to suicide. And of course he’d feel guilty if that was the case. Even if he didn’t exactly like her (and with what we’ve seen so far, I really think he doesn’t) he’s very acutely aware that leaving a situation like that could only end badly for her. He said in his outburst to Eden “how is it my fault that I wanted to live my own life” and I think this may further bolster the idea that he had some kind of obligation to do something he didn’t want to be doing.

[unofficial-sean]

Every time my dad visits, I struggle to understand him. I struggle to assess our common understandings. I struggle to interact with him in a meaningful way.

I used to be a car person. I used to dream up the cars I'd own and what mods I would have on them. I'd try them out in Forza, and this is what drove me to get my GED and become a mechanic. I was obsessed. This worked well with my dad because I'd reckon most white guys are car people, too, to some degree. I was enriched with tools for gifts and our time spent talking was almost always about cars and motorcycles.

But that was before. Now, I'm focused on a deeply personal mission to make my community's HVAC system as efficient as possible; arrived at by personally seeking knowledge over years and years, and also running breathlessly into the world of cars and being knocked on my ass by the intolerance of the people in that world.

I got swept up in the mystical world of radios, which paired well with my dad, as well, who got his technician license shortly after I did, because wireless communication appealed to his sense of independence.

Instead of running face-first into hyper-masculinity, I ran into a door too small to squeeze into. Being a radio technician was not to be.

So, I moved onto biology. Also something my dad is interested in. He likes trees and has plenty of urban wildlife stories. But he is over 50, and a few months ago, I taught him that trees actually consume oxygen at night as part of cellular respiration; it was news to him. Biology wasn't to be, either; I was overwhelmed by the workload placed on my by college and I burnt out.

So here I am, now. I've tried on many costumes. I've learned a little in a lot of places. I've sought out a role for myself to fill. I lost interest in cars and motorcycles. I'm always fascinated by life, but I can't focus on it anymore. Radios are always cool, but there's no one to talk to; or any reason to. I'm terrified of diving.

So I have HVAC, now. It's the current costume I'm wearing. I have a moral mission informed by my experiences roasting in the summer and by my ever-increasing knowledge of the climate crisis. It's all I can do. In my free time, I care for my frogs, I play single-player video games, I prepare for D&D with my club. I dream a lot, too. I don't have any partners, in part because I don't know where to meet my people, and in part because I've lost interest in others, but if I did. . . I just know my family would be weird about it at best.

I don't know how to fit either of my parents into my life, if I'm honest. There's no place for them. There's nothing they can do to enrich it. When I'm around them, I feel tense. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to hear how far apart we are.

My dad took my brother and I to a car museum. I loathe cars, now. I drive one, sure. But I don't care for them. I learned that there's a completely different way of living, and I desire it dearly; why would there be any ounce of love left for them? But I go anyways, because on some level, I have to. The museum stinks of oily rags. It is a familiar smell, but one that now gives me a headache. I do a circuit, then head outside to breathe in the somewhat-fresh air. I say somewhat because the museum is next to I-5, and the tire noise erases anything sweeter that may have once been in its place.

I walk around the side to look at the building's massive outdoor units; two big, 6-comrpessor, 460v AC + boiler units. I am amazed that the compressors have a locked-rotor amp rating of 125. Can you imagine? I spied a mini-split system, too. A Mitsubishi. It uses R-410A and has a base refrigerant weight of 6oz. For every additional 25 feet of line, though, you must add 0.6 oz of refrigerant to it. There is a spot on the label for the installer to record the total weight of refrigerant in the system after install. It is left blank. Poor practice. Anyone servicing it, now, must estimate it by measuring the lines, if they can access them.

I'm supposed to be spending time with my dad, but instead I'm outside, alone. I don't wanna look at old cars who spewed lead into the atmosphere and probably killed their drivers just as often as they killed bystanders. I don't want to see the machines that my world was built around.

The museum has a section on fossil fuels and climate change. I half-expected to see some denial or distortion of history. No doubt there was some, but it's the solution to these issues that annoyed me the most. In essence, the plaques and exhibits said "let's make use of biofuels, hybrids, and electric cars to minimize emissions; and lets use renewable energy sources to reduce the carbon footprint of automobile manufacturing." fucking what. You wanna keep making cars? Unbelievable.

There was not a single mention of reducing car-dependency or electrified rail. My headache got worse. What did I expect? Car people are going to find a way to keep cars in their place.

What does this have to do with my dad? In a way, he's a barometer for sentiments on certain things. He still thinks I'm interested in internal combustion engines. I hate them. I hate their noises and their fumes. I know precisely how they work, and I could fix a broken one, but I despise what they represent and I just wish they would go away. I wish they weren't the topic of conversation anymore.

I'm tired of grave stakes and the horrors of the world. I want to feel hope again. I want to meet people who share my goals. I want to talk about a thriving future. But fuck, it is hard to do in Tacoma. I want to put a heat hump in every home. I want my tools to be part of a tool-sharing program. I want enough resources to contribute to mutual aid. I want electrified public transit so I can get rid of my car. I want bike infrastructure so I can use the damn thing to get around. I want empty parking lots torn up and replaced with green spaces.

I want to be part of it all and I want to talk with the people who already are. And instead I have my family and everyone else in this city. I'm too afraid to speak, lest I risk showing that I don't know enough. Too afraid to tell my dad I'm not interested in these things anymore because then we will have NOTHING. That will be very sad.

I'm tired. I put together a playlist of things to give me hope because I am trudging through a depression, again. Putting them on in the background while I click through Baldur's Gate 3 again because I can't sleep, but I don't have the brain power to write out my next session or do something bold and creative. I'm soulsapped.

Tomorrow will be the last time my niece celebrates her birthday in this state. She, her brother, and my sister are all moving to Illinois. We'll be at our grandparent's place. It is being referred to as the "last time we'll all be together." Grandpa's health is failing. He's about to be in hospice, if he isn't already. On one hand, I should be there just for the sake of it. I know I'd want as many people around if i was dying. Grandpa's always been cooler than his wife. She's the true reason I don't want to go. I don't like being around her.

I don't like all the "God Bless America" shit in her home. What is there to be proud of? I'm getting off track.

There's no point in raising my voice. I must be a neutral vessel everywhere I go. This is the only place I can ever express myself. Outside, I weight my guilt against my desire to push them all away. It is those days where I am compelled to spend time with family where I feel the most trapped.

[mubal4]

9/13/23  

Where is our limit? – Mogollon Monster 100 Race Wrap Up

How far can we truly go? What is the limit? What are we truly made of?

The questions above where the principals behind us doing the Mogollon Monster 100 (MOG 100 for short) last weekend. Would never consider myself a veteran 100-mile ultramarathon runner. This was my fifth one since beginning this wildly, wacky, and amazing sport back in 2015. However, I am familiar with the distance, what it takes to complete them, and since none of mine have been pretty (pretty-ugly more like it 😊), there have been many lessons learned along the way. Listen, running 100 miles is crazy far and there are so many unknowns; things you don’t think of, wouldn’t think of, that do occur where you need to problem solve (more to come on that). However, there are ways to mitigate some of the unknowns and uncertainty that are apparent. This in mind, I studied the course and was able to do some training runs along the route to familiarize myself with the climbs, technicality, and conditions. We spoke to friends that have experience with running it (much gratitude Meghan & Brian) and crewing it to limit a bit of the uncertainty. We trained! And trained! And trained! The expectation was this was going to be a 100-mile not like something we’ve experienced before, just in the course, terrain, and technicality. Therefore, if we were going to do something we’ve never done before, we were going to have to train like we’ve never trained before. Come race day however, there were still a few pieces of uncertainly, some done on purpose – that would prove to help us begin to understand if we could go beyond the limits!

From the book A Runner’s Hi, by Dean Karnazes

“An ultramarathon is not a single experience, but a series of little moments, strung together in a narrative thread that becomes a complete story. Some moments are silly, others sublime; not that much different from life really. In so many ways, an ultramarathon is a microcosm of life when compressed into 100 miles of running the full breath of humanness is experienced, the physical, emotional and the spiritual. Along the path, a story gets told. What I’ve come to realize is that the ending is not what matters most. Sure, I may get another buckle today, but reaching the finish line is not the ultimate prize. It is the story that’s lived along the way and today was turning out to be one hell of a story.”

Here's the story.

The foreshadowing the weeks prior to this race was the perfect preface to what was to come. We spent the two weeks before in California with our youngest daughter Alaina for two separate soccer tournaments. In between those weeks I was also in CA for work. It actually worked out well because I only drove out once (flew the other 😊). Point being, it wasn’t the ideal type of taper weeks I would have liked, and things were not routine at all. Even the week of was not ordinary in any way but the more I thought about it, it was in line with what I was expecting the race to deliver. The day before I drove up to Pine, AZ to get settled into the cabin and wait for my wife Robin & our great friend, Michelle, who would be crewing me throughout. Originally, we had thought it was going to be Robin solo for ungodly hours up on the Mogollon Rim (rim), in a point-to-point race, driving for miles and hours trying to find out where the hell I am in a remote part of AZ with limited, if any cell service. (Yeah – a bit uncertainty and unknown there). Fortunately, Michelle committed to helping out and she was a complete rockstar for her first time ever experiencing something like this. She came up critical in a number of areas. When we all arrived separately late Friday, we talked about the game plan, made final preparations, and tried to get as much sleep as possible. Not something that comes easy before any ultra, let alone one like this. When the alarm went off @ 3am it was time to get going and by 530am I was at the starting line getting ready to tackle this beast.

There was a calmness to the air as we got a few minutes out. Race Director Noah shared some instructions and insight on the course, finer details, and wished us all luck and then the National Anthem was played. This was the first time; I can remember this being done at a race. It delivered a sense of pride, some emotion, and much energy. After feelings of anxiety, stress, wonder and excitement, we were off, and I actually felt relief and comfort.

After crossing the starting map there was no hesitation, we were immediately into our first climb. The weather was cool, the climb was gradual, and we were moving steadily. A couple of short miles we were on top of the rim for the first time and the views (from every time up there) were epic. My first thought expressed out loud – “wow.” It truly is amazing, beautiful up there and recommend having it part of a bucket list. Not the race, but certainly a trip to the top 😊!! We had several miles of smooth running before descending back down to our first aid station. Quick refueling and then it was back up for our second climb for a couple more miles, then on top of the rim again, runnable terrain, before meeting up with Robin and Michelle for the first time at mile 27ish! We all had a lot of energy at this time, and I was feeling strong. We did our first sock change and took care of the feet, iced down with a neck banana. This was however, the initial point where my stomach started to act a bit off. I had been eating pretty well up to this point and staying consistent with food, but nothing sounded good to me at this time. I did though, stuff a few things in my head and got back at it. We had a few miles on top of the rim road (gravel road) before making a big descent down to a major aid station at mile 32ish. This is where the fun started!!! As I left the girls, just a few minutes out, my pack felt loose and bouncy as I ran. Not normal!! It is usually snug to my upper body. I didn’t think too much of it and kept running and for about 5 minutes the whole right side broke off. Think of having a backpack on and the right strap broke off. I was essentially running with that! No bueno for another 80+ miles. Here is where problem solving comes in…. fortunately, I had some athletic tape in my back so as I continued moving, I put that pack on the front of my body and worked to tape it up the best I can. In the meantime, I was trying to call Robin (remember remoteness and bad cell service) and fortunately she picked up. I told her the news and thankfully she and Michelle were able to catch me. Cue the MacGyver music cause this is where Michelle went to work. She was able to use leukotape (very stick & strong tape) to solidly put the pack together, while they “went to town” (a couple hour roundtrip) to see if they can get me another before meeting back up about 20 miles later.

That pack ended up holding up for the rest of the race but did cause a bunch of cuts/scrapes on my back because it wasn’t as snug, but we used that same leukotape to take care of that mess too. Leukotape – it’s the new duct tape!! The next 20 or so miles are some of the toughest of the course. There is that long descent as mentioned, and then several miles of rolling hills in an exposed area below the rim and then another brutal climb known as Myrtle. Fortunately, most of the time in the exposed area it was cloudy so we did get a bit of a break, just about a mile before the climb started. The sun popped back up and it seemed to warm quickly. The technical terrain, my stomach not on par, the heat and now the climb, started to pull me into my first real dark spot of the day. The climb up Myrtle is very tight, technical, steep, and at some points it doesn’t seem like you are even on a trail. It was slow going but I will tell you, there were a few moments when I stopped to turn around, at this point the sun was beginning to set, and the views were amazing; even saw a rainbow. It sucked but it was pretty easy to embrace that suck with what I was seeing. Things finally began to flatten out and I was able to hit the next aid station at the top. At this point, I was nauseous, and no food sounded good. I tried a few things but no dice. I took a seat, took in some salt (chips), downed some ginger ale, and I was on my way again. Fortunately, I’d be seeing Robin and Michelle for the second time in a few miles – that was giving me the energy I needed to get there.

As I began approaching what was the Buck Springs aid station, I began hearing faint noises. At this point, I was running near the edge of the rim to my left side, and it sounded like coyotes howling. Although I was a bit beat up, I wasn’t at the point where I was hearing things (yet 😊), and nightfall was just on us. The closer I got to Buck Springs the more I realized that was where the noise was coming from – it was an all-out party, on top of the rim, in the middle of nowhere and the volunteers and crews were having a blast. It was an immediate bolt of inspiration considering the last climb that happened, the 4th one. I came upon Robin and Michelle, and they went right to work. The last stretch did take a toll on me, my stomach was still queasy, but my body and mind were in good spirits. We had two jobs at this point, taking care of the feet with cleaning them up and sock change, and eating. They both went through a cycle of different types of food for me to eat and settled on grapes (thanks again Michelle, best grapes I ever had 😊), broth and a load of potatoes and salt. I also took a moment to get my wits about me. This was going to be one of those moments that was going to be unknown for me, and for Robin as well. There have been races that I haven’t had a pacer and actually, my last 100-miler back in October, I didn’t have one. I went through the night at that race solo. But……it was a 20-mile looped course and one I’ve run dozens of times, so it was VERY known. These next 20 miles were going to be through the night, on trails I’ve never traveled, likely by myself in the middle of nowhere. Yes, there are other runners out there, however at this point in a 100-mile race, things are very spread out. This is another moment of this race I was looking forward to – let’s see how I navigate and work through this without a pacer to keep me motivated, moving, fueled and awake 😊!!!!

When I left the girls, the trail descended a bit and was quite smooth. I actually caught up with another runner and we worked together for a few miles. We then came upon two others and the four of us started picking off miles throughout this section of the course, known as the cabin loop (passing by a few cabins, Pinchot & General Springs…..hence the name). After some time, we began dipping into and climbing out of a few canyons over several miles. During this time, not sure because it wasn’t like I was moving at blazing fast speed, I began distancing myself from the other three runners. Coming into Pinchot Cabin aid station I was feeling very good, likely because I ate before but my stomach was still not right and that stayed with me the entire race. For some reason, just couldn’t shake it. No worries, I downed a full PB&J, some caffeine, and was on my way. On my way out, I saw one dude and his pacer, talking deeply, and as I turned back to say thank you to the aid crew, the runner was heading to a caught to sleep……my hope for a short period of time and then pressing on. This next part was about 7 miles, and I was to be seeing Robin and Michelle for the last time at night. This part and more ups and downs, not as difficult as the climbs up and down the rim but for some reason it seemed relentless. It chewed me up and spit me out and by the time I reached the girls, at just over 60 miles, I was not in a good way. Physically, my muscles were good, and feet were okay too. We did another sock change and cleaned them up and I sat for a bit but didn’t have an appetite. The girls kept asking me if I wanted anything and nothing sounded good. I forced down another PB&J and then Robin, sweet Robin, asked if I wanted a lemon-lime Celsius. As I changed into dry clothes and got ready for the rest of the night, early morning hours, I grabbed the Celsius and took a sip. It was tasty, refreshing too. I then slugged the remainder of the can and it seemed to immediately give me a boost (caffeine….)! My mind had been in a dark spot, and I was hitting a low but once again, the girls, and this magic elixir got me moving again.

I wouldn’t be seeing the girls till mile 87, likely not until early afternoon so it was just me, my headlamp, and the trail for the next 10-12 hours. The descent just out of this aid station is down what is called the Powerline Climb and it sucked. There is no other way to describe this, about a mile maybe, trek over a rocky, boulder filled “trail.” During this time, another one of those things that don’t usually happen but will during a 100-miler, happen. As I planted my trekking pole and went to remove it, it got stuck between two rocks and I yanked one part right off. It was still connected with the internal cord but for some reason I was no longer able to collapse them AND, my headlamp ended up blowing up as well. All while descending this “trail” from hell. Thankfully, I made it to a section resembling an actual trail where I was able to get the pole and headlamp “fixed” and I was back moving again with Celsius energy. There was another aid station a short distance away and I again down a full PB&J – they seemed to be working for me at this time so stayed with it and went in and out quickly. The next few hours it was pretty much me out there. I had seen a few headlights a ways in front of me as the trail meandered through the trees and climbs but other than that, it was darkness with the cone of light from my lamp leading the way. I was moving, and moving well, or at least I felt like I was. I glanced at my watch occasionally and my pace is where I wanted to be heading to the 75-mile mark. I kept my head down and just kept moving forward. The silence and darkness were peaceful and my mind went to Robin and Michelle, hoping they made it back to the cabin okay (Robin confirmed that via text but didn’t get that until after…..). I was thinking about Isabella and Alaina and how they were doing. As well as our dog Bear. I had thoughts of when we committed to doing this race earlier in the year and the months of training leading up to it. I thought about the different trails and mountains climbed, people met, and research we did in preparation. More than we’ve done for past races. Technically, we were approaching 75-miles into this adventure, but the journey started way back in April!!!

Not sure if I nodded off for a quick second during my thoughts or it was a rock that I kicked but I did come out of what seemed like a trance and noticed two lights ahead on the trail. As I continued to get closer, I saw a couple more just ahead of me. The night sky was getting lighter, and the morning was beginning to wake up, just like me I guess 😊. My pace picked up as well and about a mile outside of the Geronimo aid station I was able to catch up to the 4-5 folks in front of me and we descended into the aid station as the sun was rising in the air. Getting through the night of an ultra can be one of the most demanding portions of the race. The last few hours for me were a bit serene and the dawn of this new day brought new life to me as well. I had a drop bag at this aid and was able to get another fresh set of clothes, new socks, and fueled up again. I had about 27 miles before seeing Robin and Michelle and the two last climbs of the day. I was ready to go but the Geronimo aid station was a scene of a bit of carnage. A friend was sitting there when I arrived, hadn’t seen him for about 12 hours, and unfortunately, he had decided not to go on. Another that I had passed coming into the aid did the same. And one guy, who we shared some miles with earlier in the race, came into the aid, all smiles and seemed like he had a ton of energy, was asked if he wanted anything, “nope, I’m done,” was his response. I wanted to see if I could rally these folks and all of us press on. But their race isn’t mine and vice versa. I gave my friend a pat on the back, it was his first 100-miler, he crushed it, and I was proud of him; happy as well to have shared miles. Told the others great job too and thanked the aid station volunteers. They all encouraged me to keep going and that I was doing great.

I had goosebumps when I left that aid station. The encouraging words, the new morning, knowing that we were getting toward the final quarter, and I knew this section of the course. I had trained on it a few weeks prior, so I was excited, and I was doing it almost exactly at the same time of day. After going through the night, conquering that uncertainty, and leaning into the unknown, I was somewhere familiar. This section of the course has some more rolling hills, nothing too substantial, before hitting the fifth climb. This is the shortest climb of all six but still gets a bit hairy toward the top. Navigating the rollers, I came across a runner and pacer, two from back earlier in the night, they were moving well, and we shared some short words. We had come across each other for several hours and figured we’d hit the climb together. I was surprised, by the time I got to the climb a couple miles later, they were nowhere in sight. I ended up seeing them finishing up the race as we were driving out of town…….it was good to know they kept moving on! Getting to the top was good and the trail dumped onto the rim road again and there was about a mile to Donohue aid station. There was about half-dozen runners at this when I rolled in and none that I had seen on the trails. We were all taking a bit of a breather because what was to come wasn’t going to be ideal at all!!! We were all about to take on, arguably the ugliest, toughest, most technical climb of the course. Prior to that, we were heading down a gnarly set of switchbacks and a steep grade, one that was to match the future climb. Altogether, it wasn’t far, 4 miles, but it was going to be brutal. I filled up my bottles, grabbed a handful of food and was on my way, I wasn’t going to delay the inevitable. I started to descend and told myself, “this is going to suck, it is going to hurt, it is going to be brutal, take your time, breathe, and keep moving forward.” The downhill was tough for a bit, slow and steady, then began to ease up getting closer to the bottom. After a quick left turn the climb was on and in reverse, it started off with an easy grade and then it just got as expected. It was almost breaking, but I just kept moving forward, took some stops for a few seconds, and kept climbing. It seemed to get steeper and steeper and then after some time, I began to hear voices. My head peaked over this ridge, and I heard a few people clapping. I was relieved to be at the top and after about ½ a mile I heard more cheering. I had made it to Dickerson Flat aid station and the final time I would see Robin and Michelle before the finish!!

It had been about 12 hours since I had seen them and yes, they were a sight for sore eyes…..and feet. Those 20 miles between our time together had tested me but not defeated me. My muscles were still feeling good, but my feet were banged up. Bones were sore and my hip/groin was beginning to bother me. I also started to begin feeling hotspots on my feet but decided not to change socks. I wanted in and out of this aid station fast. With about 15 miles to go, it was time to get to that finish line. Lemon-lime Celsius and PB&J made another appearance, and, in a few minutes, I was back on the rim road for about 5 miles before heading into Pine Canyon. This is a great view from the top of the rim looking into this canyon, all the way down, about 2 miles to the bottom. Although the view is pretty the trail down is not. Very technical, steep and switch backs several times before flattening out at the bottom. Now the trail was level, pretty smooth and was winding through some pine trees. The temps were nice, and the overcast skies made it much cooler. This was ideal since I was headed into the final stretch, which was mostly exposed. This was the second exposed part of the course I had mentioned but today, it was cloudy, and was starting to drizzle a bit. This made the next 8 or so miles to Pine Trail head, even with its climbs and descents, thankfully the final ones of the race, tolerable. There was a point on this stretch that I thought I was going the wrong way. I hadn’t seen anyone for a few miles, I was still following the markers, but didn’t realize this last stretch had so many climbs. I had even done this part of the course a year earlier at another race. I guess was beginning to lose my mind with being up for 40 hours, so I was getting a bit freaky 😊. I just kept moving and had some energy to run some of the flatter downhill areas. About 3 miles before I was to hit the last trailhead and get into the final stretch, I came upon a man, and what I found out to be his daughter. He was moving really slow – almost a crawl. I stopped to check in on him. He had said he hurt his knee quite badly and, to a point, needed to be held up by his daughter. He seemed to have his wits about him but had trouble staying upright. He still had a few hours to finish and with only 5 miles left, I believed he was going to make it. I did let the race folks know at the finish line that he was out there, but I had confidence he was going to get there. A few rolling hills later I saw the trailhead and water stations and realized that this journey, this test, was about 20 minutes from ending. The last, almost 2 miles, is on the roads through the town of Pine with the finish being at the community center. I crossed the main road and headed through this neighborhood, that dumped me out onto the main road. With about ½ mile left, you can see where the finish turns into the community center and I was able to see Robin and Michelle standing, almost in the road, waving me in. Strong feeling of emotion filled me, and my pace picked up to a solid run, faster than I had run for many hours. It is funny how the sight of your crew and the smell of that finish gives you that kick to run faster in the last mile of a 100-mile race than you had run at the start. As soon as I hit the line, some pictures were taking, and hugs were given by not only Robin and Michelle but folks from Aravaipa racing.

The race was over, and the journey completed. As I am sitting here a week later from the day the race started, I still haven’t had it set in deep. I’ve reflected on it, Robin and I’ve spoken about it a little, but who it drove me to become and where the next step will take me is unknown right now. I am clear though on the fact that what we set out to do, what I outlined above, for this race, came to fruition. I wanted to be tested, moreso, then I had ever been in a race. I wanted to hurt, be pushed to and beyond limits, go into deep pain caves, and sit there. And deal with it! I wanted to be in the mountains and woods at night, by myself without anyone around, with my thoughts on how to keep my mind and body moving forward. As mentioned, it was pretty ugly, mistakes were made and, yes, many things were not ideal. But we did it and I am grateful for all those that helped me along the way.

Thank you to #aravaiparunning, Brian and Meghan Slavin, all the volunteers, participants, crews, families, friends. Thanks for all the text and words of encouragement before, during and after the race. All those that have reached out – you reaching out means more than you can imagine. To Isabella & Alaina, one at college and the other playing in soccer tournaments all weekend, thank you for thinking of your old-man and reaching out throughout the journey. I love you both very much and am so very proud of you. To Michelle, the rookie crew member – what can I say, you freaking rocked it. You know have a lifetime spot on our team 😊. Really appreciate you – love you! To Robin – we’ve talked about it so much these last few months and in the last week. This was an adventure from the start, and we knew the journey was going to be way different than we’ve experienced before. We knew we were going to have to do things way differently than we had done before. However, when things started last Saturday and until we crossed that finish line, I knew – no matter where this journey was going to take us, I was where I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to be with. Thanks for being my partner and my guide throughout this experience. Glad we can do it together. “Once you decide to run 100 miles, you’re not in charge anymore. Those in charge are your former and future selves. During the race, when you don’t want to keep going and life’s awful, just remember your former self wanted to do this and your future self wants you to finish. Let those two be your guides.” – Eric Senseman

[nebelweirdo]

This is it. I've lived a long, challenging but fulfilling life. Oh sure I've made mistakes. Hurt some people I love along the way. From shy introvert kid to shy introvert teen and finally shy introvert adult. But I got lucky enough to surround myself with amazing people. Those very people that help you overcome your challenges in a kind, loving way.

I've accomplished so many dreams during my lifetime. They were so basic. Get married, buy a house, have lifelong relationships with a few people. I was the quiet one, always interrupting to say some random shenanigans, sometimes funny, (many) other times funny, but in an exaspering way. I was kind. Always tried to see the best in the people I met. Always avoiding anger as a reaction to what was going on. Oh sure I was trample over sometimes, but as I grew older Ive learn how to defend myself against that kind of people.

I've never really though of what would happen when I'll die. Emptyness ? Quietness ? A long, undisturbed, eternal rest ? One thing I wasn't ready for is Him. Hélios. 

It took me a while to understand that it wasn't all empty. It took me even longer to realise I wasn't alone in here.

When I finally understood what was going on, the first thing I felt was a snout and a very shortly after that, a head, and finally, I saw Him. He hadn't age from the last time I saw him. I remember it as if it was a few hours ago. He was sick, and my parents were driving away to take him to the vet. I saw him slowly disappear, unaware it would be the very last vision I'll ever have of him.

I was 9. He was also 9, we grew up together. Hélios was my father's dog. A boxer. As I was saying, he was sick. Out neighbour was conducting some work around his house, with construction machines 'n' shit, and in the end, the noise drove Hélios mad. He was constantly barking, and wasn't really himself anymore. My parents were afraid he wouldn't recognise me or my brother and that he would bite us.

Thinking about it now, I've convinced he would have never done that, but it was a rational thing to do, take him to the vet.

Right after it happened, I was sad, but like any kid would be. What I wasn't really fid was grieving him. Time flew, life went on. I truly believed I was over it during my teenage years. I was even stupid enough to put my other issues on the fact that I missed him, like it didn't really mattered. Little did I knew back then I was really missing him, and I didn't understood the importance of grief.

It was in my early adulthood that I finally processed it and manage to grieve him properly. Up to my mid twenties actually.

He had a powerful name. Hélios. God of the Sun. So basically he was there for me, every day. After my mourning, that was what he had become to me. When I was sad, he was here, basking me in his warmth. I scold him gently when he was blinding me sometimes. I even greeted him a lot as if he had become the sun, simply saying ''hello Big Guy'', either in my head or out loud.  That what he's been the rest of my life. The Sun I could talk to whenever I felt I needed it.

But now, wherever I am, there is no sun. It could be rather worrisome, but my thoughts never went that far, because he was HERE. I dropped to my knees, in tears, and hug him for what felt like eternity. I've known my fair share of happy moments back then, but this is an unprecedented feeling, one of true joy, pure bliss. After that, he gently bumped his head against my hand and makes me understand that I need to follow him.

I get up, all wobbly from all these emotions, and let him lead the way. We walked for a while, but I couldn't stop looking at him. That's why it took my a while to see what was going on around me. I was so focused on him, I did not see right away.

Other humans with other dogs. 

- Is this heaven ? I asked out loud.

Hélios turned towards me almost as if he was gonna answer with humans words, but he just shook his head.

- No ? It's not ? It sure feels like it. All I see around me is people reuniting with their dogs. 

A happy bark was my answer. 

- Fine by me ! 

And I hugged him again, tighter this time and whispered to him ''please don't leave me again''.

He looked right into my eyes, with a look full of joy, and I knew we were gonna stay here for eternity.

--------------------------

Ok guys this is the first time I ever reply to a prompt. English is not my native language so I did my best.

Everything about Hélios and young me is true. I could say a lot more about him, like anyone about their lost boys and girl I'm sure, but I kept it short. 

Writing this brought me to tears more than once. 

I currently have 2 doggos, but I could not resolve myself to add them to the story because they are alive and well, and imagining meeting 'em was really painful. But I  know that they'll be here if this is what happens when we die. 

It's nothing talented or whatever, but I wrote this from the bottom of my heart. I hope you'll enjoy it. Thank you for reading me.

Amazingly, a friend of my father is a painter, and painted Hélios for my father. I could post this picture if you want to see what he looked like !

You died, and the first soul to come greet you is your dog