#i also discovered this week that i actually do have chronic pain and have not stopped thinking about it all week

[daddy-socrates]

i was supposed to make a poster advertising my thesis and give that to my advisor like a week ago. alas, i am doing it now and am very anxious. so im researching tattoo artists about it

[thatdeadaquarius]

SAGAU / Isekai Genshin:

You can still use your characters! ... as in possessing them 👻

(all art by me down below, hope its decent lol - did it for u guys and myself i mean what )

Edit 9/7/23: 1,500+ NOTES??? BRO WHAT!! THABK YOU <3

Edit 12/24/23 + 4/5/24:

☆

My dumbass forgot to put this here .-.

Anywya this is a full length fanfic now ;)

PART 1 (you're here!) / Part 2

So.

You got sucked into a video game. 

Crazy, but it happens ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

yknow how it issss

...you very quickly discover that unfortunately video game rules still apply...

which wouldn't normally be an issue! like, needing to use the bathroom in the middle of a fight? Nope! minor cuts and bruises like papercuts, only actual enemies or fall damage counting? hell yeah that'd be great (theoretically no chronic pains if you got that?? hmmmm unsure)

see the issue comes when you realize, you as a player, don't have a "character" that's all your own

there's aether/lumine yeah.. but bc the game's real now, they're their own people, and you didn't wake up to find yourself as a blonde twin...

the closest you can describe your form as is .. like a seelie?

or like the way ghosts look in game?

but a lot more "starry"

like your specterlike, but you look like you got filled up with stars and the milky way, maybe a reference of you being from another universe/world? (aether/lumine/dainsleif/khaenriah star symbol reference secret thEORY-)

but yah.

you also got just, white eyes.

like, not iris, not pupil. like your pupil and iris got erased

you gotta admit, at least you look really aesthetic now.

(u also got a little cape and hood on at all times, and you cant take it off to see your starrified hair >:/ ,very Blue Diamond-esque, look up Steven Universe, Blue Diamond if you dont know who im talking about)

so needless to say, as soon as you sort of glitched your way into existence you were HYPE

i mean ur ACTUALLY IN TEYVAT WITH THE BOYSSSS

...then you realize your a spooky-no-character-to-pilot-around-thus-no-character-model-body-for-you thingy

and that you cant touch stuff!! >:(

like wth!!!

thats just downright unfair.

so, you figure if you got no body to be.... you gotta find a new "character" to pilot >:)

...

I choose you, yellow fungi!

...

....

you're in the fucking woods (Sumeru somewhere obv, u knew that the moment you opened ur eyes),

what'd you expect?? an archon??

..wait a minute. can you possess an archon-

these kinda thoughts plague your first few days of irl genshin impact playing

a rishabold tiger? yep.

a sumpter beast? kinda slow and heavy feeling but yeah.

...you also try a ruin machine LOL

by far, the fungi and ruin machines are the best to possess, mostly because you can remain upright with those

(tho u did find some type of flying monkey that wasnt in game, but its like,, a real world and jungle now so that makes sense there'd be more complexity + stuff)

you do eventually think you should try and possess a person at this point... but ur kinda nervous 👉👈

its ur first time doin this okay nobody explained the basics to you youve been winging for a week now!

will your mind be replaced with theirs? it hasn't been so far with the creatures/bots

and as far as you can tell, they kinda just-

forget what happened or "wake up" after you possess them

(the tiger you were for a day looked confused as hell when it realized that there was a new pile of fruit next to it when it "woke up", it was your way of saying thank you to the animals of the jungle, u left them little piles of food you collected running around as them)

so THEORHETICALLY-

you should be good to go and possess a random poor eremite

... you figure you want to possess something human-like eventually even if you get a puppet body like wanderer/raiden so...

here goes nothing...

♤

so it's been 2 weeks since you've been forcefully yanked into teyvat, and by the second week, you were trying to possess eremites

which! worked out!

mostly..!

you kinda convinced the entirety of two eremite camps that a certain part one of sumeru's forests is hella haunted bc ppl keep "blacking out" and doing things they don't remember doing, yknow... like possesssion LMAO

they kinda ran off to escape you but, hey!

experiment #2: people possession, success!!

now you were kinda convinced of this when you realized no matter the angle the animals and machines of sumeru didnt react to you getting super close to them (you dont have to touch something to posses it, just look at it really, but you wanted to test limits, so you walked up to sumpter beasts and fungi and ruin machines)

but no one can see you.

you don't have a "character" most of the time, you can float and glide around the ground like scaramouche lol

you cant touch stuff bc of this, you cant smell stuff (u saw the eremites campfires & couldnt smell the smoke until you were them)

you cant eat stuff w/o a body, so.. it makes sense that the eremites and passing merchants, cant see you when you float around, trying to reorient yourself after 2 weeks of experimenting

:( ur only a lil sad about it... but mostly not bc lol u got possession powers so trade off u guess

the first time you see a vision-bearer you literally scream

LMAO

ur so lucky u cant be seen or heard

bc Collei would have def screamed back lol

needless to say u stalk the forest ranger- ALL DAY.

Collei goes on patrol around the woods? you go on a patrol.

collei goes to visit other forest rangers? you "visit" other forest rangers at base (lol u def possess a guy who was asleep on a bench nearby & wake up to go talk to Collei "in-person", poor guy was so worried he sleep walked/talked so hard he went to see Tighnari an hour later lmao)

welp, you decide this is your life now, follow Collei everywhere, talk one-sided to Collei until you can possess a forest ranger w/o it being suspicious (dont wanna turn the poor rangers into the terrified eremites from a week or two ago...)

then, after you get the courage and erase the paranoia that tighnari can just... somehow hear your ghostly bullshit-

u do the same to Tighnari (then Cyno when he visits! no u didnt squeal, so what, nobody can hear you- )

♧

Tighnari begins to get suspicious about 3 weeks into this routine.

he's been starting to collect and start a file on all the rangers or nearby villagers that've started randomly "blacking out/sleep walking" in the evenings usually

(u possess as close to nighttime as u can so it seems like sleepwalking)

So when Cyno comes back from a mission gone wrong,

having nearly been decapitated by a rogue flying ruin machine, only to black out and come to standing calmly 10 feet further than he remembered being 1 minute ago...

Tighnari's suspicions are confirmed, and he launches into researching this phenomenon.

his first thought is something like the aranara, but that doesn't account for the effect this thing is having on people

after all, what little forest spirit is strong enough to-

-control humans??

Tighnari begins to get the sense he's in over his head after he finds himself pushed into going into Sumeru City in order to collect more library books or ask around if the blackouts have spread to the city people

he answer is negative, on both accounts.

and he spends about one half of the day walking around, and the other reading up all he can on mythical creatures or ailments

Tighnari gives up for the day, and as he makes his way back to Ghandarvaville, he almost gets ambushed by some particularly nasty muggers

...and then he wakes up 20 feet away, his denro vision thrumming with power, full of worry and fondness for himself??, (just like Cyno said he felt happen to him..)

...Tighnari decides he needs reinforcements.

YOU GUYS-

UR LOCAL ZODIAC SIGN OBSESSED W/GENSHIN HIT A CHARACTER LIMIT ON A POST FINALLY. 😦

??? THIS WOULDVE BEEN LONGER BUT I BARELY GOT SPACE FOR THIS- I- EVEN THE QIQI POST DIDNT HIT LIMIT-

uh cya ig!!

Safe travels lmao,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist @revonie / @hat-on-a-cat / @takottai / @sickly-falling (?) / @iruiji

(Sorry about the late tag! I forgot to update my taglist before i posted this 💀 my bad guys)

Also if the people who got put there who i couldnt find a blog for see this, idk what went wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ - maybe check and see if ur setting for "being able to be searched/looked up" is turned on?? Idk man

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for planning to move out of my fiancee's place?

This one might be long so... sorry. Tried to sum it up the best I can. Hi, it's the anon moving in with the vegans. So my fiancee (20) and I (21) moved in with a pair of vegans, one of which has since moved out so now we only live with Sam (26).

Sam is polyamorous, and I thought I was too (although I now think I might be just aroace), and since moving in my partner has discovered that, unlike they previously thought when I was interested in someone a couple years prior, that they are also polyamorous, and have started dating Sam. I was totally okay with this, because I'm very poly-positive and wanted my fiancee to have a chance to discover themself and experience new things.

However, since moving in, they spend 90% of nights sleeping with Sam in their bed, and the other 10% in mine. I've been feeling really lonely about that, and expressed that, and they've responded that they've just been having a really hard time lately with their mental health, and that it's not personal. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding and patient, but I feel very isolated in this house.

Everyone in the house has chronic pain, although my fiance and I have more flare-ups than Sam does. But while there's a lot of leniency when they don't do chores, I'm still supposed to get all of my work done AND theirs, without my pain levels taken into account. This has led to me losing hours of sleep due to being expected to finish chores after getting home at 1am from my shift.

There's also the money problem: I am currently working two jobs to pay rent, and Sam makes triple what I do in salary. My fiancee only works one shift a week by choice, to pay for therapy, and thus doesn't pay rent. We are splitting rent equitably, so I'm not paying nearly as much as Sam, but still if I had the chance to cut back on hours at work to actually take care of myself (emotionally, pain-wise, actually having time to do my physio, etc) I would take it in a heartbeat. But I'm not dating Sam so I feel like there are a lot of double standards here.

I like Sam. They GM for our TTRPG home game and I have a great time. I sincerely don't want to lose those good times. But my mental health is at an all time low and I feel like a third wheel to my fiancee. I've known them for 6 years, we've known Sam for almost 1. I've started a tally of how often my fiancee sleeps in my bed vs in Sam's, and in the past 18 days, they've slept in my bed once. (I started the tally because I convinced myself I was making things up). That all said. I like Sam. But now I'm starting to have feelings of resentment due to... all of this whole situation.

This has led to me reminding my fiancee daily how much I miss them and how lonely I am, talking about moving out (they confirmed they would still live with Sam if I moved out), and being more vocal about my mental health struggles. I've started talking to my friends about it, so quite a few of them are in on the situation, and most people are advising me that I need to communicate more or that we just shouldn't get married.

I love them a lot and do still want to get married, but I also want to break up just because it's hurting to stay in this situation.

That got a lot away from me sorry, I'm probably missing some details, but I really want to know, am I the AH here? Should I be more sympathetic to my fiancee? Am I being unfair to Sam?

What are these acronyms?

[canonkiller]

health stuff update for the new year

this is an update that I'm gonna crosspost in a few spots, so sorry if you have to pass it multiple times. I'm not going to go into super detail (I appreciate some degree of privacy) but it is medical talk that relates to my art + online presence

For the physical: The long and short of it is that I have a neurological degeneration that is, at present, affecting almost all of my spinal cord. At this point, the specialists I've seen believe that it is the cause of my vision issues, as well as the loss of sensation in my legs and chronic pain. There is no expected recovery for this - it's either going to stay as it is, or get worse - in part due to how long it took to discover (thank you, Canadian medical system delays!). This, along with nutritional deficiencies related to it, is causing the bulk of my physical issues and is the expensive part to deal with as I try to accomodate a lifestyle with little movement and less sight. "Polished" art in the usual definition is something I simply can't do any more. Looking at screens hurts, especially if I have to look up towards them, as does daylight. I hurt, a lot, all of the time, and so far the treatment plan suggested for that has been to cope, which I am trying to do.

For the mental parts: I'm excluding neurodivergence from this summary, because while I've made some important discoveries in the past 12 months I don't feel as though they're impacting my work dramatically, at least not in the completion way. Unfortunately, separate from those, I've been experiencing a metric Fuck Ton of brain fog; basically, every other week, the concept of time is quite literally beyond my perception. I know things are happening in the moment, but the actual durations of things just disappear. This, of course, makes my queue backlog long as hell and my communication spotty, as the time I think everything is taking is doubled to everyone else. My current care provider has been neglecting to address or investigate this, so I have been trying to find a replacement, but that takes time, and time is difficult for me to keep a handle on right now. I have been doing everything I can to ensure I always have a list somewhere if the things I need to get done; know that if I owe you work, it is likely not forgotten, but just unknowingly delayed. I am trying my best to stay on top of things, but I am doing all of it on my own, and it's been a lot to deal with lately as things continue to worsen.

I'm sharing this more for understanding than sympathy; I don't want to be pitied, but I also want it known that I am not trying to con people or maliciously avoid completing work. All I ask is that if you have questions or concerns, about owed work or otherwise, to reach out rather than assume I'm avoiding it intentionally, and to let me know if you want refunds or compensation for subscriptions or paid work that you feel are justified.

Here's to surviving another year.

[bil-daddy]

Salutations Mr Bildad, Bildad the Shuhite, Bildaddy sir.

I'm so so sorry to bother you, or be a nuisance, but everything is getting on top of me lately and you give excellent advice.

Basically, the last 12-18 months have been awful - I'm acutely aware that in terms of what's happening in the world I'm pretty blessed 🙏🏻 However within around 12 months experiencing; a miscarriage, 4 bereavements, one parent being rushed into hospital, the other needing surgery (both are doing Ok now thank God 🙏🏻), two surgeries of my own within six months - neither of which have improved what they should have, chronic pain, multiple diagnoses - most of which were unexpected & should have been diagnosed a looonnnnggg time ago, reactions to any& all medications, finding out physio will be necessary for the rest of my life, a very upsetting break up, discovering people who were supposed to be friends can't be trusted...... Let's not forget financial issues due to being unable to work as result of illness etc .... I am losing hope that things are ever going to get better 😔

I'm so so sorry for offloading all this on you but work said they could no longer offer counselling which is infuriating because the counsellor was amazing! Sadly she isn't taking on any private patients for several months so we had to discontinue sessions for the foreseeable 😔

I'm so sorry but I don't really have any other people to talk to right now, my fiancé was my best friend so in a sense it's almost a double loss? Sorry this is pretty pathetic 😪

Yikes. And here I thought @blameless-job had it bad.

So, first off, let me tell you how sorry I am for all your losses. Any of which on their own are extremely painful, but all at the same time? Nobody should have to weather a storm like that. I am so proud of you, just for being here. You're incredibly strong for what you're surviving, even though you shouldn't even have to survive it in the first place.

So don't apologize cause there's nothing pathetic about reaching out for help when you're going through something--or multiple somethings, in your case. In fact, it's exactly the thing you need to do. A lot has been dumped onto your plate, so it makes sense you need to offload it.

I know your former counsellor isn't able to help you at the moment, but maybe they can refer you to someone else, because you deserve a professional (in psychology, not shoemaking and obstetrics) to help you through these tragedies. They might be able to get you a referral.

(If you want to try to find a counsellor on your own, there's NHS Therapy Services in the UK, and SAMHSA National Helpline in the US.)

In the meantime, though, I'll do my best.

If you're worried that things are never going to get better, you shouldn't be. I mean I understand why you are, but the fact is, as dark as this is to say, you might actually be at your lowest point right now. Which means, as awful as things are right now, things can only go up from here.

You got some new diagnoses, which suck to have, especially when they should have been caught earlier, but now that you have a diagnosis, you can start getting treated.

You're six months out from two surgeries and haven't gotten better, but in six more months, or even six weeks, you might start to see some improvement. Plus, once you start the phsyio therapy you now know you need, you can troubleshoot with the physical therapist on how to make more improvements on the issues you had surgery for, as well as the chronic pain. The physical therapist might also be able to refer you to a counsellor as well, if your previous counsellor isn't able to give you one.

But that's just the physical stuff.

It's the emotional stuff that hurts more. Losing loved ones, be it to death, breakup, or just realizing your friends aren't really friends. That kind of pain is even more difficult to deal with.

For the bereavements, it might be helpful remember the good times you shared with these people and the things you loved most about them. They may be gone now, but those memories aren't and they're even more valuable now that they are the parts of your loved ones that are still with you.

And when you're living your life, and you see or hear something that reminds you of them, like a favourite song, or the kind of car they used to drive, that's another way they're still with you.

You might cry the first few, or few hundred times you remember them, but after awhile you'll start smiling more and crying less when you think about them.

For the miscarriage, it's a bit tougher, since you're grieving what could have been, rather than what was. But it's still a loss as valid as any other loss of a loved one, so you have every right to grieve it as such. You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your child. And the miscarriage is why your fiancé and you are no longer together, you have my deepest sympathy for that, too.

It would be easy for me to say "the trash took itself out" when it comes to ex-fiancés and fake friends, but much harder for you to actually feel that way.

You have the right to grieve the friendships and your relationship ending. To miss them even though they hurt you. To feel hurt, and betrayed, and angry, and still love them anyway, even if you can't be around them anymore. It's okay to hate them, too, if you need to. Not forever. But in the short term, it can be cathartic and exactly what you need.

It'll take time for all these overwhelming and conflicting feelings to fade, and it's possible they'll never completely be gone. But you will learn to live alongside them until you forget they're even there.

You will feel better, I promise you. Een if the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a distant star right now, you'll reach it.

So have an ox rib (platonic) for the journey

Hope this helps, even just a little. Mutuals, feel free to send good vibes @ashbunny2027's way

[wyn-n-tonic]

So... I haven't been feeling super great and it could just be because my period is three weeks late and all my hormones are in a pile up causing me to be insane or it could be the 27 years worth of major depressive disorder just chilling in my brain or it could be the EDS and the possible POTS, you know? It could be all of those! It could be none of those! But I will say... I have seen a significant decrease in my stress levels and I would like to talk about the things I'm doing for self care that are keeping me from losing my fucking mind.

Read more because this shit is just me rambling about my favorite self care things. Like I've really finally found a good combo for me and it makes me so happy that it doesn't feel like a chore. It's just nice!!! Also, this is not medical advice, this is just your friendly neighborhood mentally ill girly who deals with chronic illness sharing the things that make me happy.

FIRST OF ALL!!!! WASH YOUR FACE!!!! THEN TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS!!!!! I take my meds every single day at 8:10am because it's good to take your meds at the same time every single day *but* I've also discovered that's the best time to take my adderall so that it's really kicking in by 9 after I've done all my emails and things and need to focus on, like, actually doing my job. I've also been taking women's multivitamins and magnesium glycinate supplements. I feel like they've both made me less of a bitch because it's helped with the pain.

I have been eating breakfast! Not just iced coffee and prayers either, I've been eating a real ass breakfast. Everyday I make myself a little breakfast sandwich with an English muffin, egg, sausage and cheese of choice (I like colby jack, do whatever tf you want). This equals out to about 28g of protein and I'm supposed to have at least 30g first thing in the morning so it's pushed to 31g (maybe more) with the oat milk latte I make with my cute little espresso maker and milk frother. I have also limited my caffeine intake to one silly little coffee a day (but I'll have the occasional sips of coke zero when I feel a migraine trying to move in).

I've been working out recently. Even if I don't go to the gym, I try to get up and go for little walks. Which is nice. After I move, I want an under the desk treadmill.

I have a really bad habit of biting/picking my nails, especially when my anxiety is high or I feel the need to fidget but, for about the last few months, whenever I get the urge to bite or pick, I use cuticle oil instead and have been rubbing that into my nails/cuticles and it tastes god awful so of course I do not bite.

After work, I take a shower and I've started using the Saltair body wash in Santal Bloom because it smells very good TO ME. They have a bunch of different scents. But please remember that body wash is only a scent so please wash yourself with actual soap (and use a washcloth too oh my god, why is this a debate??? WASH IS LITERALLY IN THE NAME). Also, wash behind your ears EVERY SINGLE TIME.

ALSO night showers > morning showers. Argue with a wall because why would I want to get in my cozy bed with a body that has been steeped in outside germs all day??? Dirty feet??? ON MY SHEETS?!?! No.

I have *never* liked lotion because it's all too greasy or it smells gross or it's BOTH. I just get the autistic ick. I don't like things that sit ON my skin. But I know I should use it and I know I need to so I keep buying different brands of lotion but then I never finish them because oh my god so so gross and greasy. Anyway, somebody recommended that I try eos brand lotion and I have been using the coconut waters scent and oh my god. I recommend this lotion but use whatever you want and buy whatever scent you want, it's just nice. This lotion pairs very well with the body wash I like and it just makes me feel cozy as I get ready for bed.

Also wash your face again!!!!

(For skincare, I double cleanse with an oil cleanser & then a salicylic acid cleanser in the AM and a hyaluronic acid cleanser in the PM)

And I've been dermaplaning lately. That shit slaps. Why wasn't I doing that before???

And people keep telling me to buy topical magnesium to help with chronic pain but I kept getting links for Amazon and the thing about Amazon is... I don't like to use them if I can help it but I especially do not want to buy, like, make up or food or skincare products or vitamins on there because the amount of unregulated third party sellers freaks me out and I'm not trying to pop a rat poison supplement instead of what i actually ordered. You know? Anyway, my friend told me to get this Being Frenshe soothing stick... besties..... I have been using this shit ALL DAY LONG It's going on my thighs, my neck, my shoulders, my fingers, my knees, my ankles, my shins and it's so good for the chronic pain. And it smells so good and layers very nicely with the lotion and the body wash.

Seriously, my skin is so soft and I haven't really felt the need to pop a pain pill in a bit, my sleep is improved, my ability to calm my heart rate down during the day has improved. Did I mention my skin is soft?

Also, I'm currently losing weight and still healing from my biopsy (yes, I know it's been three months!!!) and I feel like the body wash + lotion combo I'm basically living in daily (sometimes twice a day because the showers are just so relaxing and not a chore to me now) are soooo helpful for my stretchmarks and scars.

Also, I've been turning my computer off an hour before bed to read which has been lovely.

Also, I bought enough lip balm (also eos because it's shea and not beeswax) to keep in different places. So I have a bed lip balm, a desk lip balm and a purse lip balm with one floater just randomly around the house.

And the *ONLY* AI we support in this household is the kind in my fancy little toothbrush that guides me in how best to brush my teeth.

Anyway, I just love being in my bed cozy sleep shirt smelling like coconut and vanilla and watching monster movies while not being in pain and having a resting heart rate that is NOT in the 120s. It's so beautiful. especially because, for the longest time, I couldn't get my resting heart rate below 85 while SLEEPING.

[bumblebeerror]

It’s been on my mind today but I need you to know.

Hitting 25 has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I don’t say this lightly - I lost my father who I loved dearly at age 18, I grew up a bit above the poverty line and now only *just* live above it. I’ve been treated for severe mental illness and learning disabilities since I was a child, starting at 6 years old. I have a physical disability and chronic pain. I have had some bad fuckin times, I’ve been through my share, and I’ll go through more I’m sure.

But I can tell you I feel so much better mentally at age 25, unable to stand for more than an hour or so without severe pain, on a consistent schedule of prescribed pain pills, discovering just how hard I was masking some pretty serious autism, struggling with my ADHD meds being less effective, and only leaving the house three total times a week because I’m immunocompromised than I was at age 13 when “all my problems were school”.

Because at age 10, nobody close to me had ever died before. At age 11, I had never lived in a new place before. At age 12, I had never felt so cold and empty and tired. I’d never endured my peers teasing me for crying about a death in my family. At age 13 I had never felt like I wanted to die before then, like the world was on fire, like it was ending. At age 14 I hadn’t known what it felt like to have period cramps so bad my mother sent me to school with a muscle relaxer and still had to pick me up by lunch, to have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that being a girl was a lie and I was a liar. At age 15 I’d never had people remind me so viciously that I wasn’t like them, I’d never felt so throughly upset by the idea of one more person calling me she. At age 16 I’d never had my heart broken before, I’d never dealt with a friend turning on me completely. At age 17, I’d never had my family feel so broken. At age 18, I’d been petrified of the idea of my father dying, and he did. At age 19, I’d never actually thought about how I would kill myself before. At 20, I’d never gotten drunk before. At 21, I’d never gone inside a bar.

You get the picture.

Your teen years suck because you’ve never done so much shit, and on top of the terrifying experience of doing it all for the first time, you also have all your peers picking at you for doing it wrong the first time. Your teen years suck because they are chaotic and new and stressful and you don’t know how to handle them yet. You’re not supposed to know yet.

Hitting 25 was the realization that I wasn’t going to just up and die, that now I have to actually plan. I have to do taxes, and that I actually know how to. That I have to care for my pets and I know how to. That I have to drive to work and do my job and I know how to.

25 was what made me realize that I had things I was supposed to be around for. People and pets who relied on me, who loved me and needed me and wanted me.

That I can have a panic attack and know that I’m having one. That something can piss me off and I know I can take a moment before I respond. The awareness that I do not have to do everything for the first time all the time anymore, that I know stuff, that I’ve been around the block and can use those tools is INVALUABLE. The fact that I can look at my intrusive thoughts and, if I truly wanted to, CHOOSE to indulge them? That I can sit here and be the cat that doesn’t wish to go to the vet and the concerned cat owner?

It changes everything.

It was the realization that I am the one punishing myself. That I can and should respect myself as a person because it means I can respect more deeply the care that other people have for me. It sounds so stupid when I explain it but it’s absolutely a whole different ball game.

The fact that I think the only thing that could severely tank my mental health is if I were to become homeless in winter or actively abused or something similar should speak volumes to you what I mean when I say that not having to do everything for the first time all the time is a huge mental weight off you.

I promise. It will feel better when you are 25. I promise that even if it isn’t fixed, it will be easier. And if I’m wrong when you hit 25, you can come yell at me about it. Probably I’ll still be here.

[le-panda-chocovore]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "le-panda-chocovore "?

Oh I think I can actually answer that without rambling too much !! (<- took an entire week to answer the ask and select the fics, and I commented on each one of them lol) It won't be a Top in order of preference tho, there's no actual classment, it's just the ones I loved the most.

The Way I Behaved - EraserMic (MHA)

This fanfic gave me the inspiration to write my greatest work (still unfinished to this day) and literally changed so many things about me. It also made me discover a whole genre of music that I've never listened to before and with which I am entirely in love now. Prepare to cry tho, because this is deeply heartbreaking. It's a Villain Mic AU where Aizawa was never a teacher. And it is good.

What if Percy did become a God - Percy Jackson and the Olympians (based on the books !!! do not read if you just watched the show !!!)

The title says everything. This is not a happy story, you will cry, I promise. It's short, like a 1k word OS, it's really poetic, it's deep, it's beautiful, and also, it's painful. Humans were never meant to be gods, not even Percy. It's written like a poem, I read it so many times and it hurt me every time.

Demon and Angel Professors - Ineffable Spouses (Good Omens)

Not a fanfiction but a serie of short works about Crowley and Aziraphale and the people around them. A teachers AU very nice to read with many Original Characters (the students) who are all captivating and appreciable. The story is extremely queer-positive and neurodivergent inclusive and physical handicap representative, honestly, you want to read it. There's everything inside it. If you have chronic pain or if you're a closeted queer or even a curious ally who wants to understand their peers, this is what you need. The love is so pure it's overwhelming.

Honor and Vengeance on the High Sea - Zuko (ATLA)

Tbh this deserves to be published, it's a novel itself (I haven't finished it yet). The author reappropriated the Avatar universe to write something completely new. It's an AU where Zuko becomes a Pirate after his banishment and fights against the Fire Nation Navy, and eventually joins the Avatar's team. There's a whole work around internalized homophobia, the discovery of the self, acceptance, injustice, family trauma and everything. Original Characters are cool too. Chapters are long and very, very complete, you can see the author has historical and cultural knowledge.

Strength, the meaning of - Asano Gakuhou (Assassination Classroom)

I can't believe a fanfic about this total asshole made it to my top 10, but it is beautifully written. The progressive mental breakdown of a man who used to stand proud above everyone, the slow fall down to hell without even realizing it. There's also his son's POV here, which is equally beautifully written. I really hate the man and I don't like the fact that the end of AssClass completely disregard the consequences of what happened on the character's mental state, and reading how even him wasn't okay at all is very pleasant to read. That's karma my bitch.

Je suis assis - BokuAka (Haikyuu)

Yeah it's in french and on wattpad. It has been a while since I read it but I still remember the principal. It's a OS anyway so it's not very long (we didn't do that 20k words OS on Wattpad, this madness is only popular on AO3 lol). Since I'm sensitive to everything that is around handicap, it touched me. It ended up being cute and warm. Honestly I was more thinking of another BokuAka fanfiction but I couldn't remember the name nor found it online so I put this one.

25 - Riren (SnK)

Yeah yeah I know, pedo ship etc, but I was 14 and this is a High School AU where they're both 16 so, it's okay I guess. Yes the name of the fanfic is twenty-five. It's in french, it's on wattpad, and there's Eren's POV too. I don't know how I'm supposed to describe it... I think you have to read it, it's not actually strange or weird but, it's a whole experience.

Here there be dragons - Centennial Husbands (the Sandman)

This is the exact definition of love. What is love to me ? This fanfiction. Engagement, devotion, caring, this is it, this fanfic has the meaning of all these words. I had a hard time reading it because I hate ultra-long OS (I need CHAPTERS, give me a BREAK) but it was soooo enjoyable, and I was crying the whole time 'cause it's so pure and beautiful.

Palm to Palm - KaRen (Assassination Classroom)

Yes I am a part of the extremely tiny fandom that ships Karma and Ren (I do ship Karma with multiple people throughout the manga lmao) but only in THIS specific context. And this is beautifully written, I can't stop re-reading it. Also, the name of the ship makes me laugh. Karma and Ren relationship after losing Gakushuu -the boy they both love above everything else- is peak romance.

Le goût du chocolat - L x Light (Death Note)

I honestly don't remember a thing about this fanfiction except a single sentence, but I do know that I totally fell in love with it. It was one of my fave fanfic when I was full active on Wattpad, and I even archived it because I didn't want to lose it. I should read it again now that I found it again.

Alright that's 10 !!! Finally !!

Oh it was so fun to fall back into all the things I read before ! But it was harder than I expected because, well, I only have AO3 for 3 years and I've been on Wattpad for 7 years, but I started reading fanfiction even before that, I just didn't have any account back then. So, I kinda forgot about some of the things I read more than 4 years ago, and I couldn't find the gems I discovered when I was 12. Most of the books that made out to this list are my recent lectures, it's a bit biased I guess.

Anyway, thank you for the ask ! It was fun to analyze all my bookmarks and everything !

[lazyyogi]

Spiritual Fitness, Physical Alchemy

When I was growing up, I loved to play. I would run around outside, pretending I was some hero, wizard, or secret agent. I would climb trees, leap from rock to rock across small creeks, and just generally scamper about. In my room, I would put on music and dance all over the place.

Using my body didn't feel like work; it felt like celebration. It was the kind of joyfulness taken entirely for granted, as I had known no alternative at that age.

The Fall

I remember being in elementary school and looking at the middle schoolers who no longer played or enacted pretend games and it made me sad. Their world seemed so boring and I didn't want to join it. But alas, eventually I did.

When I grew older, my recess games were replaced with mandatory sports. The other kids started competing, weight lifting, and finding identities in the teams they had joined. I wanted no part of it.

I attended an all boys private school from kindergarten through high school graduation. While it was a fantastic school, there were plenty of problems inherent in its structure. My experience of athletics and fitness at that time was off-putting and, in a word, toxic. Although 'toxic masculinity' wasn't in the common lexicon at that time, it was that precisely.

It didn't help that I was a terribly sore loser and therefore loathed competition sports. I didn't like how they made me feel; I had no chill about any of it--curse of being the youngest child, I'm told.

I've always been underweight. It's something about which my family never missed an opportunity to tease me. It made me feel bad about myself and influenced my self-image. Nonetheless I was required to partake in 3 sports per year, one for each season. By the time I graduated high school, I was in excellent physical condition even if still underweight.

Yet the depressing impact left upon me by the transition from childhood play to teenage athletics never left me. Having outgrown childish games but without finding a place in athletics, I simply abandoned the matter. And so, in a way, I had also abandoned my body.

When I attended college, I stopped all physical fitness and sports. And that's how it was for the next 10 years of my life.

Crisis Averted

For those of you who have yet to discover this firsthand, once you get past the age of 25ish, your body doesn't feel as happy. Especially if you work a desk job after college. It's around the age of 25 that you first begin to feel the weight of your lifestyle choices.

When I began medical school at the age of 28, my body was unbalanced and unhappy. Spending hours sitting and studying over the previous 3 years during my post-baccalaureate premedical program really fucked me up. I barely ate, barely slept, and was living with chronic musculoskeletal and nerve pain. I was suffering and I wasn't happy with my appearance. That's another story in itself.

Things gradually improved over the next 4 years in medical school. They had free yoga classes, the cafeteria food was palatable, and I enforced a regular sleep schedule. My body started to normalize.

It was my transition to residency in 2020 when I actually started to thrive.

As a resident physician, I never know when I will have a chance to eat. So I learned to pay attention to how my body feels in order to determine if I need to eat rather than relying on the hunger sensation to prompt meals. I started doing elliptical cardio regularly and yoga occasionally. And, after a heart-rending breakup in 2021, I began using free weights.

Reanimation

A major turning point was early Spring 2022 when a friend introduced me to something called the X3 Home Gym. It heralded my moment of reckoning with strength training.

At the time I would do cardio 3-5 days per week, strength training 1-3 days per week, and some yoga on my off days. All at home or in my building's gym.

The X3 system brings the entirety of a weight lifting gym setup into your home. It is convenient, effective, and time-efficient. I could go on and on about it. The website looks like something out of an infomercial and if it weren't for the fact that my friend is incredibly muscular and swears by it, I wouldn't have tried it. But I did and it works really, really well.

Plus there is no toxic masculinity involved (unless you join their facebook group, which I did for the lolz and workout tips).

Adding essential amino acid protein pills was the finishing touch. I started to gain weight and muscle!

Now I do strength training 5-6 days per week, I do cardio 1-3 days per week, and I do yoga 1-3 days per week. This will fluctuate depending on my work schedule and level of exhaustion. If necessary, I cut out yoga and cardio while trying to preserve my days of strength training. Here's why.

I love cardio. It makes me feel physically happy. It boosts my overall mood and it has a legitimate cleansing effect. I love yoga. It works out the kinks in my body and repairs the idiosyncrasies of my postures and habits of movement. I love these practices so much that they are easy to pick up again after stopping.

But something I learned from yoga is that it's often the poses you avoid that are the ones you really need. For me, that was strength training.

As you might have surmised, strength training doesn't come naturally to me. It doesn't feel good to do it; it is painful. But I've come to recognize that for my body type, strength training is what balances my physicality most.

Self-Healing

I mentioned before that I have always been underweight and it's true. I have a body type that, if I'm not careful, I can easily start shedding pounds.

When I'm stressed, I lose my appetite. If I'm engaged in something, I wont notice when I'm hungry. And even if I eat a ton of crappy food, I won't put on weight if I'm not doing some form of exercise to signal my body to do so. I have often struggled with and resented these aspects of my human form.

Similar to how women face societal expectations to be a certain weight and shape, men aren't supposed to be skinny. Overweight is okay; it can still be manly. But underweight men will be teased, feminized, and often deemed unattractive or sickly-appearing. I know this from experience.

Combining that with the aversions from my school days and it is safe to say I had a fair bit of baggage lodged in my mind and body. I recognized this and learned to work through it with meditation, somatic spiritual practices, and other therapeutic methods. Exercise helped significantly in that process.

I now continue my exercise practice for two reasons:

I want my body to feel happy, healthy, and capable. My job literally depends on it.

I want to live a long enough life to make the most of my spiritual practice and ideally realize enlightenment.

There are two large purchases I've made during residency that truly revolutionized my lifestyle. They are the X3 and the Theragun massage gun. I can confidently say that my body is happier and healthier than it has been since graduating high school.

Side note: I fucking love massages. My first treat-yo-self splurge after I finish residency will be buying a balls-to-the-wall tricked out massage chair.

Somaticism

There is a secret third reason behind my fitness journey: somatic spiritual practice.

The first ever lifestyle habit that I made for myself was daily meditation. Spirituality, to me, is a matter of life and death. There is nothing else about which I am more sincere and concerned. So when something connects with that, I find it easier to make it a part of my daily life. Physical exercise has grown to be a part of my spiritual practice.

Similar to how sitting meditation focuses the mind's attention, somatic spirituality focuses the physical feeling of the body. And just as sitting meditation frees you from the mind, somatic practice frees you from the body.

Freedom from the body does not happen by rejecting or in some sense leaving the body. It happens by completely inhabiting the body, releasing traumas, relaxing tensions, stretching out contractions, breathing strength into numb and abandoned areas, and then letting go of the body from within.

It's not about transcending the body so much as it is an integration and liberation.

When it comes to inhabiting, releasing, relaxing, stretching, and strengthening, physical exercise when combined with somatic methods has been an effective means. Its effects go beyond the physical body to intimately involve the subtle energy body as well.

So, if there is a single takeaway from this story, it would be this:

When paired with spiritual practice, physical exercise may become an alchemical process.

My own story is an example of how one may transform their relationship with their body and gender, as well as their overall health.

Meditation doesn't make you into a different person, it helps you to discover and be as you are with exquisite and divine ease. Physical exercise, when approached as part of the spiritual path, does exactly the same.

I hope that one day I will be in a position to teach this to others.

LY

[belle-keys]

An update to my chronic OCD and OCPD story: A new chapter?

So, in October of 2021, four months after I had gotten my official OCD and OCPD diagnoses, I made this post sort of briefly chronicling my experiences with OCD and OCPD since childhood (more so my OCD, as I really don’t have that much intense or debilitating OCPD symptoms). Little did I know that in June of 2022, I’d have a sudden, awful OCD relapse that would put me back on Paxil. So here’s how it’s been since then.

I obviously did not think I’d have an OCD relapse, but guess which stupidhead decided to stop taking Paxil the day before Ramadan started in April of 2022 and suffered unimaginable withdrawal symptoms while fasting and also on the most hormonally destructive birth control ever? I do think having an awful immediate post-Paxil period was what had kicked off the relapse. I didn't give myself time to experience withdrawal in a healthy way. And then I got Covid in May, hah. By June, my sleep schedule had not adjusted since my Covid had hit and I was only sleeping properly about 3 or 4 nights a week. I started compulsively ruminating about some vague stuff one day and then my sensorimotor OCD specifically dialed up to 100. I think I didn’t sleep for about five days straight before my mom was like… girl. You need to go back on the Paxil. Look at you. I was extremely hostile towards the idea of going on Paxil again, because it’d mean I’d be going into my fifth year of OCD medication and I’d have to deal with the pain of tapering and withdrawal all over again at some point. It felt like I was back to square one. This would have been my fourth time turning towards medication in desperation, my third ever OCD relapse, and I was like just please no. However, after another sleepless night, I realized I simply could not go on like this without doing anything. I kind of short-circuited and just agreed to restart the Paxil that day, and so I started a course in mid-June with an even larger dose than I had been taking in 2021.

I spent the rest of that vacation actually really chill and contented with life, no lie. I was really excited for uni to reopen in the fall. I was also feeling my obsessional doubts lurking about much less. My mind was quiet and lulled. Let me make it clear: my compulsions did not cease, they were just much less intense and less debilitating. I still did compulsions daily, in a maladaptive way. But I also started paying attention to the idea that, huh, maybe I don’t absolutely need to immediately do all my compulsions for several hours a day. If the medication can make the obsession go away, then the obsession’s not… real. Whoa. Like while on the Paxil, I knew my fears were still, logically speaking, wriggling behind the surface, but I wasn’t responding to them because I didn’t feel the anxiety and the panic they would usually cause. So, didn’t that mean that I simply… don’t have to respond at all? I won't die if I don't do it. So it was in October of 2022 I tried some very passive non-engagement and non-responsive strategies for the first time on my own. I would simply remind myself that I don’t have to do this thing even when I felt the mortal urge to do the thing and that I wouldn’t collapse into pieces if I didn't do the thing. I was still drugged up, but it was a turning point in my OCD journey where I applied some logic to my predicament and realized I don’t need to be doing any of these compulsions at all for something catastrophic not to happen. By last fall, my OCD was revolving around four main themes (the usual suspects): existential OCD, sensorimotor OCD, general Pure-O, and perfectionism OCD. Since I was a small child, I have had multiple theme switches but these are the ones that have stayed for the last couple of years. I discovered last fall that non-engagement was very much doable (even though I wasn’t actively doing ERP yet).

By the first week of 2023, I firmly decided I wanted to make a change in my life: cut off the meds and stop being plagued by OCD. So I started researching the basics of ERP, the different ERP models, stuff like ACT and ICBT, and liaising with therapists. (These different treatments and acronyms are all easily googleable so... yeah.) The nature of my OCD is 90% mental and almost constant, and so it was decided between me and my psychiatrist that I'd have to do my exposures by myself, which was ultimately for the better. I supplemented the time not spent in a therapist's office by listening to podcasts by psychiatrists, licensed clinicians, and certified counselors which tremendously helped me as I started practicing ERP. And ERP is brutal, like I cannot stress this enough. I compiled a list of notes and ERP instructions to follow, following the model of RF-ERP developed by Dr. Michael Greenberg whose articles on OCD have completely changed the way I conceptualize OCD, and they deffo sped up my recovery. Ali Greymond's model for reducing OCD compulsions also immensely helped me on a daily basis to reduce compulsions and navigate recovery. The theories behind ICBT also helped me "respond" to my OCD in a logical realistic way, even though I don't believe ICBT in a bubble will truly work for me by itself to reduce my OCD; I think it'd only fuel rumination if used in isolation for me. What has really worked for me on the individual level is ERP using the Inhibitory Learning Model, supplemented with ICBT theory as a secondary measure. I truly believe each OCD client needs a customized approach to OCD treatment depending on their individual symptoms and compulsions. For example, traditional ERP sees obsessions as something "normal" and intrusive, which I've come to fundamentally reject and instead choose to see as the obsessional doubt which is is part of the obsessional process, following the ICBT model. However, to get rid of my intense compulsions and reduce the grip of the obsessional doubt on me, I still need to mainly do ERP using an Inhibitory Learning model. I don't see enough of ICBT being applicable to all of my obsessions and compulsions nor do I believe ICBT will work well enough on its own for my frequent theme switches. I think ICBT helps me logically conceptualize the obsessional doubt as a mechanism and reiterates everything I learn in ERP, but doing ERP with Inhibitory Learning is what primarily helps me understand and accept that the obsessional doubt was never true in and of itself and that not acting on it is always possible.

Most importantly, I stopped Paxil at the end of January 2023 after taperin for 3 months before. And I gave myself an ample emotional window to deal healthily with withdrawal while also doing ERP multiple times daily. Which feels great. I was honestly sick and tired of living on medication for 5 years straight. Honestly, I feel like I've made some leaps in terms of non-engagement with my OCD symptoms. In the past it was always "I'll just mellow my mind with the meds" but I've come to realize my own personal agency in terms of doing compulsions. A major step I've made was the dissolution of the Thought Parliament and the Thought Guard (my psychiatrist approves of the names). For many years, I've manually sorted through and compartmentalized my different thoughts in a large mental cabinet that was carefully surveyed. I essentially, for many years, had my thoughts categorized and sorted in folders and cupboards, which I've come to name the Thought Parliament. I also used military-esque strategies to do the constant "checks and balances" on my thoughts in the Thought Parliament, a process which I've thusly named the Thought Guard. For the first time in my life, I've not let the Thought Parliament and Thought Guard dictate my life and I've been kinda normal in the head. I could not believe that this is how the majority of people live their lives, that is, with the absence of the constant irritation concerning just... regular thinking and information processing. It feels like coming up for air after being submerged for my whole life. As I had explained in Part 1, since I was a kid I've had OCD and so it's been very difficult for me to separate my OCD from myself, constantly defined by precise self-imposed mental rituals, and so it's quite a jarring (but welcome) experience to just think normally and realize I'm very capable of that.

I had a couple of setbacks in mid-March and early April. I've had several minor setbacks since starting ERP which is entirely normal, but I haven't had any signs of a relapse. I've tried to remain consistent in doing ERP and listening to information about OCD and ERP a few times weekly. Likewise, when I was diagnosed with OCPD, my psychiatrist said it's less about my visible behaviors-slash-relationships and more about my values and thought processes in terms of how my OCPD manifests. Essentially, my OCPD has often been one of the main driving forces of my OCD which in turn made my OCPD stronger. So I've been trying to reorient my values and be more mindful of my clinical perfectionistic tendencies, my workaholism, my rigidness. And I'm grateful that I've been doing better. I find I feel light-hearted when I conceptualize my mental health future right now. So I'm officially considering myself in OCD recovery, which isn't something I've ever actually done before. I think (I hope) that I experienced some growth this Ramadan, and so I'm going to try to keep the best of the holy month with me as I go forward into 2023. If you wanna discuss any of what I talked about here privately or via an ask, that's fine, but no reblogs on this post please!

[jello-fello]

I know everyone gets zapped with a spontaneous Chronic Thing in their 20s but literally nothing could have prepared me for arthritis i genuinely feel blindsided Lmfaooo. The highlight of my month so far is discovering extra strength tiger balm

Anyways this means I. Have barely drawn in months. It hurts terribly to type and write and i do both 40 hrs a week.

I have been far more chronically OFFline in the last 1.5 years or so actually. I dropped off the map when i got this job lol thats so fucked

That being said, I currently firmly believe that if ever again itll be a Very long time before i consistently post content like i used to. Aside from physically being unable to move well most days and Also having carpel tunnel on top of it, i honestly just dont feel like doin it LMFAO. im being so real ive had little to no desire to do any of anything im known to do. Im working hard to find new hobbies or joys in old ones but by talos im being tested. Even if i have no desire Now to do these things, it still feels like ive been robbed of all the creative outlets i have, because one day i know i Will want to draw again. However as a direct result i am relearning to have hands off hobbies. Like just Watching things. I havent done this in so long lmfao it was just content all of the time this feels so Nice

Oh and quick note because idk if ive said anywhere but i currently have no plans of ever writing fanfiction again

So TLDR: a lot of shit has changed. A LOT for worse but theres still some good so im going to be grateful for whatever small victories i can get rn

If anyone has arthritis/joint pain hacks let me know I Need em. Mobility stretches and stuff too gimme all of that plz

Okay thats all hope everyones doing well im returning to making my dinner byeeeeee

[aspenlovesmedia]

So, who are the main cast of the Luna Stone series?

Luna is of course the protagonist. She spends her childhood being raised among humans, every so often catching glimpses of the magical world, yet any signs dissapear quickly, that is until her last few weeks of Primary School, where she accidentally starts a fire and discovers she’s a sorcerer. Her mother (Andrea Stone) is a sorcerer, however she married a human, and due to that it was never guaranteed that Luna would ever end up being able to control magic. As she is half human, she needs to have her magic awakened, as humans are unable to see or use magic at all, which also means Andrea has to get involved in the magical world once more, something she hoped she’d never have to do again.

Luna is a huge nerd and has always been fascinated by mythology. Of course she never believed it was actually real until she accidentally discovered her own magical abilities. She’s very head strong and passionate about her interests, and while she has a good heart, she doesn’t really have any friends. From a young age she was considered weird for her extreme and specific interest, and the fact she celebrated Yule and Ostara rather than Christmas and Easter didn’t help. When she starts at Peregrine’s Academy of Magic, she hopes she can maybe actually make some friends as after all, she may be new to the whole magic thing, but she does know a lot about myths and legends already.

Willow Redwood comes from a very long line of sorcerers, which under normal circumstances would be hugely beneficial to her social standing, however, a family blood curse means the Redwoods are thought to be dangerous. In reality the curse only affects its host, and leads to symptoms like chronic pain, and difficulty in using magic. Willow is used to people being afraid of her and that’s why she prefers to be in the company of animals. As a druid, she was born with the ability to understand them, and unlike other sorcerers, they don’t judge her based on a curse she was born with. She lives with her father (August Redwood) as her mother died from the curse when Willow was 4. She’s very close to her dad, even if he is overprotective at times.

Khumo Graves has the rare ability to see ghosts. Ghost sight runs in his family, so seeing the souls of the dead that are still tethered to the Earth is a very normal occurrence for him. In fact, Khumo gets on better with the dead than with the living. Talking to ghosts is easy, talking to alive people is complicated. He struggles with severe anxiety and is very quiet because of this. He has a hedgehog familiar named Spindle who has red spines across their back. Spindle was manifested mainly to support Khumo, who from a young age suffered from anxiety attacks. He is a huge history nerd, and plans on becoming a warden (someone who works with the Collection, a library with the blood memories of people. This is not as morbid as it sounds I’ll do a whole post on this later) when he’s older. He often wishes he had the confidence of his younger sister, Naledi (often called Nali) who isn’t afraid to tell anybody what she thinks.

And that’s the main trio! There’s a lot more I can say on these guys, but this is already a long post. I hope you enjoyed getting some more information on these guys. I’ll be doing more lore posts soon.

[curatingworship]

NEW WORK ACCEPTED INTO 20th ANNUAL JURIED FRESH ART EXHIBITION - inspired by Tina Boonstra's "Proof of Life"

I was surprised when I received an email from Summit Artspace revealing that my latest artwork was accepted into this year’s prestigious Fresh Art Exhibition. It is entitled:

To Bear Our Sorrow with Greater Assurance than Our Joy (I’m Gonna Find You in the End)

Long story short, I had a major short film I was working on until midnight each night for several weeks for a work deadline, which left me with the hours between midnight and 4 a.m. to work on a painting to submit for this year’s show. It was really exciting and triggered some art school memories doing the late late night creating again…but when you’re old like me, the late night fun does lose it’s shine a bit.

So, the process of creating this artwork was very condensed and more chaotic than what I’m used to. I went in knowing that my primary inspiration was going to be my pal Tina Boonstra’s song “Proof of Life.”

I also pulled together some thoughts from a scholarly book I am reading by Fleming Rutledge on the Crucifixion of Jesus, as well as some research which somehow landed me on ideas from two different Rainer Maria’s (weird, I know).

I was really taken by this poem written by Rainer Maria Rilke called “Pushing Through,” which I will include below. I also loved the poetry in a song by one of my favorite bands, Rainer Maria, called “Catastrophe.” And finally, I found a couple profound thoughts in Letter No. 8 from Rainer Maria Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet,” that found their way into the painting too.

The actual title of my painting comes from a line in Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letter No. 8 and a line from Rainer Maria’s song “Catastrophe.”

I pushed all of this reference material through my personal struggle with chronic pain (which has for better or worse been well documented in my artwork and my writing over these long and "crooked years"…like an old faithful record that just keeps on spinning, and spinning…playing that same old song).

It’s funny though, as there are so many nuances and themes that can be discovered inside a single  story of sadness, or sorrow, or pain, or loss. And this journey into my sadness happened to focus on a particular idea that Fleming Rutledge talks about a lot, how our humanness often pushes us to view the world through a “boundless optimism (that leads to a) chipper avoidance of the tragic.” Rutledge goes on to kind of marry this with the assessment that “we [modern Christians] have very little understanding of the ‘not-yet’ dimension of the Christian life.”

As I pushed those ideas through Tina’s lyrics, and Rainer Maria Rilke’s poem/prose, a primary concept that emerged was the (hidden) value of sadness to usher in newness. That kind of served as the main theme behind my artwork.

To intentionally engage in a search for newness is not an easy act when we’re neck deep in grief and the loneliness of our pain…but, I think it does make me a little braver when I think about my sadness and my pain holding some potential for significance…whether I’m ready to look for it or not.

In her song, Tina writes, “all this in the middle counts (as proof of life).” This chorus line comes after verses that lay out a battle between what one “knows” to be true (faith and confident expectation for newness in the future) and what one knows to be true (the actual present experience of pain and the sadness of life). And so, this painting explores the dark reality of pain and sorrow and how it feels when that’s what life brings, while also maintaining that there is a reason for holding onto hope when the data says there is none. It's in this grey and in-between space that life seems to leave us in very often, so it's important to have artwork and music and poetry that inspires us to live in the middle well...to make it count.

One of the reasons that I hold out hope in the midst of my personal hell is a belief that Hope does search for us too…sometimes whispering so quietly that I have to be really present to notice Her presence...sometimes in a book, or a movie, or an old friend's words, or maybe a song...

My best buddy Tim Meier and I made a short film in which the main character says that when sadness comes, we don’t need to hear another pop song. I love Tina Boonstra’s work as a song writer, because she gets that and isn’t afraid to create music and poetry shaped by that perspective. I’m inspired by Tina’s storytelling which contains portrayals of pain and loss and doubt, while also finding quiet, and perhaps slightly hidden ways of encouraging and challenging us to realize that “there will be days after these days, after these lonely days.” I think it’s really powerful when an artist discovers that the complaint is just as important as the confession of faith when creating art about pain and suffering and loneliness.

Special thanks to Tina Boonstra for writing such a beautiful song that holds such meaning to me. On a personal note, I’m really proud of Tina’s growth as a musician and writer over the years and I can’t wait to hear and see what her calling as a creative will bring next. So, cheers to you T. It’s really weird thinking about how an artist pursuing her dreams and voice can create artworks that travel across an ocean to inspire and shape another artist’s dreams and voice.

I also read an article during the making of this painting by Dr. Madison Pierce entitled “Hope in the High Priest: Hebrews 4:14-16.” Coincidentally, Pierce happens to suffer with a life of chronic pain too (her description of the dread she faces walking down stairs resonates deeply, and that’s an actual line in a short film I made that was a story about me and my relationship with my personified Pain).

Anyhow, in her piece, she offered a glimpse into that struggle and why sometimes prayers for healing fall differently upon the heart of someone who battles daily for a long long time with chronic physical pain…and why we often just “need prayer and hope for where we [are right now].”

It's like Tina said, all this in the middle counts…

So, I took some notes from the article in my art journal and some of those thoughts are also contained in this painting. One thing that Dr. Pierce wrote that stood out was this: “Jesus’ mercy is in His complete understanding of our pain, not only in His ability to solve it.” I’ve preached sermons on this concept before and part of my work as an artist/pastor is asking the question of how we can push through pain with a trust that is fully convinced/confident that suffering will end, while also living a life that is fully offered to God with completely open hands even when the end does not come? Perhaps comfort (and maybe a little bravery) comes from knowing Christ's compassion and ability to lead us on the downward path is anchored by experience...

The Old Testament routinely presents a theological and practical key to dealing with hard times—namely to bring that suffering into relationship with God. That sounds simple, but it's really a profound leap of faith to do this...let it alone to do it well.

Scholar Walter Brueggemann encourages people of faith to, “practice [our] pain with candor and fidelity.”

So, I attempt to follow that advice and voice both the rawness of my anguish and the beauty of my hope in my art and in my life of chronic pain too. The voiced grief is just as important as the voiced trust…both matter to God and both matter to us. Complaints and confessions of faith both have a place within the context of covenant relationship (and in our artwork too for that matter!).

Brueggemann also writes that our “laments are an antidote to suffering,” and I think that's at the heart of many of the paintings that I have made.

As such, this painting explores the dual possibility of being really really sad and really really full of joy as we journey through the problem of pain. One thing I’ve learned is that my faith often has much to do with maintaining a balance between tensions and juxtaposed ideas about life and death, while kind of treading water (or perhaps drowning) in liminal space. I think one thing that keeps me going is that I know that a very unique and special beauty is found only in that particular place…a place where dying to oneself can somehow lead us to find newness and life…a place that Jesus knows well…and a place that we will find Him there, walking (or crawling) along with us. Perhaps that’s where much of the joy comes from – discovering Christ’s steadfast presence when we’re filled with sorrow…not always to take it away, and yet always to bear it with us. To Bear Our Sorrow with Greater Assurance than Our Joy (I’m Gonna Find You in the End).

“Pushing Through” by Rainer Maria Rilke It’s possible I am pushing through solid rock in flintlike layers, as the ore lies, alone; I am such a long way in I see no way through, and no space: everything is close to my face, and everything close to my face is stone. I don’t have much knowledge yet in grief so this massive darkness makes me small. You be the master: make yourself fierce, break in: then Your great transforming will happen to me, and my great grief cry will happen to You.

Below you can read my official details for the upcoming Fresh Art Exhibition (opening today Friday, January 12th in downtown Akron), including my Artist Statement about the painting.

20th Annual FRESH Juried Exhibition

Betty And Howard Taylor Main Gallery – Summit Artspace, Akron, Ohio

Juried by Pita Brooks, mixed media artist and Executive Director of Akron Soul Train, the annual FRESH exhibition challenges local artists to push the boundaries of what art can be—stylistically, conceptually, and technically—and challenges the viewer to see the world through a new lens.

Artist Statement: 

To Bear Our Sorrow with Greater Assurance than Our Joy (I’m Gonna Find You in the End) is a visual and emotional response to Tina Boonstra’s song “Proof of Life”. Stylistically, it is an abstract expressionist work influenced by street art and with particular attention to using words and language as art. Thematically, this piece is an exploration of the human tendency to happily avoid the tragic—a habit that often keeps hidden the value of sadness to produce something new in us.

My work is heavily influenced and inspired by music and Boonstra’s song “Proof of Life” served as my primary inspiration and source material for this piece. The artwork also includes moments of reflection based on the poem “Pushing Through,” by Rainer Maria Rilke.

My hope is that this painting like most of my artwork reveals some of the intimate chapters in my story (one that is rooted in many long years of chronic pain). It’s also intended to provide a thoughtful response to Tina Boonstra’s song and lyrics, which overlap thematically with my battle with daily physical pain and my attempts to always hold on to hope.

This work was also influenced by the song “Catastrophe,” by the band Rainer Maria, as well as some lyrical thoughts by the band mewithoutYou. 

Artwork Title:  To Bear Our Sorrow with Greater Assurance than Our Joy (I’m Gonna Find You in the End) 

Medium:  Acrylic and Crayon on Canvas

Dimensions:  30” x 40”

I also wanted to add Juror, Pita Brooks', statement about the show my painting will be featured in:

I was thrilled to serve as the FRESH Exhibition Juror for Summit Artspace. Selecting this year’s artwork was made enjoyable due to the coordinated efforts of Summit Artspace staff, to them I say thank you – and to all of the contributing artists, for putting your work out there, allowing me the opportunity to learn more about each and every one of you. The FRESH Exhibition resonates deeply with Akron Soul Train’s commitment to experimentation and creative expression, and that’s what I appreciate about this show. I find myself drawn to art that is thought-provoking, embraces innovation, and pushes the boundaries of materials or processes. Artists possess an incredible knack for viewing the world and presenting their ideas or stories in a format that can be accessible and also intriguing.  I believe that art fosters curiosity, urging us to dive beneath the surface to truly comprehend the visual messages artists are attempting to convey. Art has the capacity to be engaging and participatory, as well as reflective. In the process of selecting work for this exhibition, my emphasis was on exploring experimentation and creativity, examining the relationship between materials and content, and considering the effective presentation of ideas. Additionally, I examined artists’ statements and websites to assess how these works might be pushing the boundaries of their current artistic approaches.   Certainly, it goes without saying that this exhibition is truly FRESH! It boasts exceptional diversity, both in terms of media and the content being presented, and I’m delighted to see how this show has come together. Pita Brooks - Executive Director, Akron Soul Train

[ashleyvbaird]

Research

The focus of this week's blog post will be an examination of relevant information I have found during my research on Fentanyl. I have spent a considerable amount of time over the past week or so picking through articles and web pages on Fentanyl, opioid use, and the increasing death rates due to overdose. The following information answers all of the previous questions in my first post that I was curious to learn, as well as covering everything else that I found to be important or useful to my project.

As a starting point, I decided to look into what Fentanyl actually is and the basics of the drug. Below is what I have discovered;

Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid most similar to morphine, the main difference being that Fentanyl is 50 to 100 times more powerful. It is a prescription drug typically used to treat patients with severe pain, however, as my topic suggests it is also a drug that is made and used illegally. Along with Fentanyl being used to treat pain, usually after surgeries, it can also be used for chronic pain as well as being an alternative for patients who are physically tolerant to other opioids. When prescribed by a doctor, Fentanyl can be given in many forms such as by a shot, a patch on the skin or as a lozenge. In the case of illegally made Fentanyl, which is manufactured synthetically in labs, its form varies from a powder that is inhaled, to a liquid, to a pill that is made to look like other opioids. This last form is the most dangerous, as many people may be unaware they are taking Fentanyl-laced pills, being that it is almost impossible to tell whether drugs have any level of Fentanyl in them unless tested with Fentanyl test strips. Fentanyl is often mixed with other drugs such as heroin, MDMA and cocaine because of its extreme potency and how little it takes to produce a high. This also means that it is cheaper than alternative options because of how powerful just a small amount can be. This reason, being that people take drugs not realising they might contain Fentanyl, is one of the many factors resulting in the large number of overdose deaths we have seen in recent years. 

The above information was found from two sources:

https://www.cdc.gov/stopoverdose/fentanyl/index.html#:~:text=Pharmaceutical%20fentanyl%20is%20prescribed%20by,for%20its%20heroin%2Dlike%20effect. 

https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/fentanyl 

After learning about the drug itself, I then took to reading about how an overdose on Fentanyl happens and what to do in the case of an overdose. Here is what I found;

When people overdose on Fentanyl the physical symptoms often involve a slowing of breath and in worst cases the stopping of breathing all together. This decreases the amount of oxygen that reaches the brain causing a condition called hypoxia. Hypoxia can be life threatening, leading to comas, permanent brain damage or death. Other signs that someone has overdosed on Fentanyl include pinpoint pupils, discoloured skin, loss of consciousness and limp body. Having researched what an overdose looks like and how to recognise if an individual is experiencing one, it led me to a well of information regarding a medication known as narcan or naloxone that can reverse the effects of Fentanyl. This medication can rapidly reverse the effects of not only a Fentanyl overdose, but any opioid or drug related overdose if administered in time. Narcan comes in an injectable form as well as a nasal spray and works by binding to opioid receptors and blocking the effects of the opioid, usually restoring breathing within 2-3 minutes. It is a medication that can save lives and is being made more and more available in the hopes to slow the rates of drug related deaths. 

The above information was found from two sources:

https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/fentanyl-overdose-facts-signs-and-how-you-can-help-save-a-life/2023/01 

https://www.narcan.com/#what-happens-during-opioid-overdose-emergency 

https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/fentanyl  

The last thing I will briefly cover in this post I found on the official Narcan webpage, being stories of individuals that were the ‘1 before 911’. These stories detail how, with the help of Narcan, individuals were able to save a friend, family member or even a stranger from death due to overdose. They are formatted on the webpage as short videos where an individual tells of their story of being the first respondent in the case of an opioid overdose. These videos will be a good reference point for one of my final projects, being a podcast, as I want to discuss real life cases, just as was done in these clips, in order to provoke stronger audience reactions.

The Narcan website:

https://www.narcan.com/ 

Next week I will focus on creating more of a solid plan and outline for my proposal. To do so I will look at previous and current campaigns surrounding overdoses, addiction and drug use to gain an idea of the ways in which I can possibly go with my projects.

[frozenrose13]

so much fucking pain today im being irritated by everything, it's not even necessarily bad hurt pain but very very uncomfortable and annoying and fuck we do not like being this aware of the body

which am trying to remind that the awareness is a positive thing but like. sucks. doesn't help that is being widespread generalized pain instead of specific locations.

which kind of makes me think there's some acute pain somewhere that's getting filtered and dissociated from but we are not doing that poking rn, that will absolutely make me more irritated and likely more aware of the overall pain bs.

is not often that the chronic pain shit is our primary complaint lmao this is kind of novel.

trying real hard not to regret sobriety actions bc that is a huge reason why a) more body awareness and b) more fucking pain bc surprise the things we were/are addicted to also act as pain management : /

fucking. wish otc pain management did anything. wish medical care would do anything. wish pain didn't cause other bad symptom shit from body reacting to the chemical process garbage.

another appointment next week and im not expecting much. we are going to ask about tapering down the psych meds and im expecting a negative reaction considering the only thing they are willing to do about the various symptom sets is ply me with psych meds...which is a large part why i want to stop taking them. especially since brainwork discovering the symptoms happen *before* our mood drops and there's a huge difference in that since changing how we're managing symptoms. is very noticeable when mood plummeting is as result of symptoms vs legitimately in a poor mood (vs start of seizure symptoms set bc that's also noticeably different)

worried pain is related to new-old nerve bs in left side : / conversation yesterday that basically gist was am concerned tethering is going to be another thing that ends up Medical Emergency : / : / at least know what to watch for but like...those are things that have been starting to happen. and refuse to go to uc/er. especially not either of the reasonably close ones. so option is remind drs that this is a thing that they are refusing to do anything tangible about but...nothing is likely to happen. maybe i can get them to follow up on the neurosurgery referral (3 year old referral iirc...) but -gestures at the trash fire that is our med system rn-

kind of disheartened feelings today but is not too bad. kind of just passively there. we live our day regardless. actively not being bitter about [sport] things even though we miss it and fighting and bow a whole whole lot

might more practice singing today. ...admittedly easier time actually making mouth/voice do spoken words since sobriety which we find very very interesting as much as brain stuff still sucks royally at it

conversations about the autism vs [redacted] thing which was interesting. kind of worry about being seen as overreacting but, look at my symptom sets and my history and *her* history and even just the fact that the new targeted coping mechs have helped way more and that's really all the proof we need; i don't care about getting the "proper" imaging done unless it's gonna actively endanger us in some way. especially given it would then have to go into our file and that *will* endanger us if we are correct.

hell if they'd release the mri to me i could likely make a guess on my own but ~why would they do that~ : /

anyways we got energy drink this morning lmao

[curiouscalembour]

I posted 3,030 times in 2022

11 posts created (0%)

3,019 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

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@pokegeek151

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I tagged 1,090 of my posts in 2022

#video - 61 posts

#kitterz - 39 posts

#aes - 34 posts

#wc - 34 posts

#warriors - 33 posts

#dw - 30 posts

#audio - 30 posts

#pkmn - 26 posts

#goncharov - 26 posts

#musicals - 25 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#evening is when the sun has just started to set until it's like. completely dark. night is once the sun has fully gone down til it comes bac

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

crplpnk is something that is very personal to me. it is for physically disabled people, not people who's only disabilities are mental. this is about people with physical disabilities getting angry and pissy at those without. crplpnk is getting pissed when people don't take invisible disabikities into account because they're not visible, not taking mobility aids into account because they see you as less than human. if you want to use crplpnk i will run you over with my wheelchair and then you too can experience chronic pain!!!

seriously though I've been arguing with my insurance for five months to get me fucking braces that i desperately need so i won't be in agony whenever i try to do things i enjoy, i lay in bed in pain 5 days out of seven in a good week!! you do not experience this and do not get to reclaime a slur that would never be applied to you

8 notes - Posted March 26, 2022

#4

See the full post

15 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

#3

Wait I would like to hear about moths! Please tell us about moths?

Moths are my favorites!! Did you knot that so far there have been two discovered species of vampire moths? in at least the one species only males suck blood, and it's not obligatory!! they're actually fruit-piercers by nature!!!

moths also very much outnumber butterflies (there's125 families of lepidoptra, 1 of which is skippers, 4 of which are butterflies, and the remaining 120 are moths, with a few families that have over 100 different species, like geometers and saturnia!) and moths don't just fly at night! there'svery very many day-flying species, and crepescular species as well!! hell, there are even species where the male is day-flying and the female is night flying, which makes me very curious about what gyandromorps do! and come in so many pretty colors, like the madagascan sunset moth (i believe from a family that used to be counted as butterflies!), the pink star moth, literally any luna moth variant

some have really pretty long tails like comet moths!! it's theorized that these long tails are to help confuse bats, one of the main predators of moths (along with birds!)!! it's estimated that moths have existed for a century or two longer than bats, and that part of why there are so many different moths (other than them bei g incredibly important pollinators who specialize for their habitats) is because they're evolving to not be eaten by the bats, who are in turn evolving to eat the moths, like many other species!! moths are very good at mutating and evolving though (likely due to their shorter lifespans i think) and there are also many many species of moths that mimic other things, such as snakes, plants, other bugs, and even birds, like the hummingbird hawkmoth, which flies so quickly it really does look like a hummingbird!!!

if you like greek mythology then you'll love death's head hawkmoths!! they're a species that can be found in the Mediterranean (along with part of asia and i believe africa?) and there are three different ones of them!!! their species names are super cool!! all of them are named after the Acheron (the river across which Charo must ferry souls, later atributed to the river Styx), and two of them are named after two of the three fates! the last one is named after the styx!! lepidoptera were also heavily associated with the soul in ancient greece!! also, the lesser death's head hawkmoth is sometimes known as the Bee Robber, because it produces a scent that confuses bees and it will come into their hives and trick them to steal their honey!! it's believed that the "skull" on their back is actually a mimickry of a queen bee's face!! in addition to this, death's heads moth squeak. I'm not joking. when agitated they do this by forefully expelling air!!!

Most big moths also don't have mouths!! they eat all they can as a caterpillar, go through metamorphosis, emerge, fuck for two weeks, lay eggs, and die!! puts the very hungry catepillar in a bit of an amusing light huh?

i still have many more moth facts to go, so feel free to send another ask!!! and always check your facts!!! I'm not an expert on the subject (as much as i would love to be, or maybe i can do scientific drawings of them) and I'm falliable!! do your own research, obverse in the wild, tapk to scientists and read books*!!

*a lot of my info comes from the book: Moth by Matthew Gandy, first published in 2016!!

18 notes - Posted October 25, 2022

#2

[image id. the haunte couture monster high draculaura doll. she's a pink and black vampire with a beret, corset, blouse, web patterned skirt, and long curly black hair with pink stripes. end i.d.]

CRYING OVER THIS GORL THAT MY PARTNER GOT FOR ME!!!

43 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So I was reading the Visual Dictionary of Doctor Who and I realized the Timelords are probably immune to rabies (at least to a degree)? according to facts about the Doctor, their body ranges from 59-61 degrees fahrenheit (15-16 celsuis) which is a lot colder than opossums, who are generally too cold to incubate rabies!

52 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

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