#i also called to confirm my medical procedure next week and let them know that i was exposed but will keep testing

[quaranmine]

first negative test! 🥳

but it's only been two days since i last saw my mom so there's still time to develop symptoms. will test more this week

In other news, I was with my mom all (extended) weekend and she was getting sick. Finally got home today, she's testing positive for covid. So now I begin the lovely game of waiting to see if I get sick too after being exposed. Also knowing I'll have to cancel and reschedule a medical procedure in 10 days if I do get it.

[farfromtommy]

seb being a stepdad to chris' kids or vice versa!

not my gif

a/n: okay this is literally one of the best ideas ever and im so in love with this fic. i think this takes the cake for my favorite fic i’ve written!! this is mildly edited so pls be kind. im so proud of it and hope you guys love it <3

please reblog if you enjoyed reading and and feel free to leave any comments!!

warnings: drinking, mentions of sex, brief mention of medical procedure(s), there might be some language i dont remember

word count: 4,400

masterlist

social media au masterlist

taglist 

~~~

Chris has been your best friend since elementary school and all through middle and high school. Everyone knew how close you were to him and how deeply you loved each other. It was never in a romantic sort of way, though. Nobody really understood the relationship you had with him, they just shrugged their shoulders and minded their business.

When Chris told you he wanted to move to New York to follow his dream of being an actor, he asked you to go with him. You shared his love for theatre and the arts and always wanted to see if you could make it as a big-time Hollywood actress. You packed all your things into your tiny car and made your way to New York with your best friend.

You spent your 28th birthday sitting on Chris’s couch with a bottle of tequila and a broken heart. Your boyfriend of 3 years broke up with you on the grounds of you being “such a drag” and “not someone he wants to settle down with any more”. You had planned a life with him. He talked about marrying you and having kids with you just weeks prior. And he had just thrown it all away.

Having gone through almost half of the bottle of tequila already, Chris took the bottle from you and just looked at you with sad eyes. He ran his hand through your hair as you buried your face in your pillow and just cried. You pulled yourself together after a while and willed yourself to sit up and look Chris in the eyes.

“I know I’m kinda drunk right now but Chris, listen to me. Can we make a pact? When we’re both 30 and if we’re both still single and loveless. Let’s have a baby. We don’t have to like… y’know… do it or anything. We can do it through insemination or in a petri dish or however they do it. I’m just- I want to settle down and have kids but I don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone else.” You rambled, gesturing wildly with your hands. Chris suppressed a laugh and looked at you like you were crazy. You just looked at him questioningly until he realized this was not the alcohol talking.

“Are you serious? Like, me and you? Having a baby? Seriously?” He pulled himself off the floor and sat on the coffee table in front of you.

“I’m so serious. You can say no, Chris. This is me asking you what you think. I always said that if I don’t have a husband or have been with someone long enough to have a child with them, that I would go to a sperm bank and do it like that. You know how badly I want kids, and I know you want them too.” You moved to the edge of the couch to move closer to him. He stood up and grabbed your hand to help you up. He dragged you towards the kitchen and sat you down at the table, telling you to wait there while he grabbed something. He came back a few moments later with a notebook and a pen.

“Alright, let’s figure this out. We’re going to ask each other questions about this and write down the answers. Any conditions we have we’ll write down, if we can’t agree on them we don’t do it. I know you’re not super sober right now so we can do this now and talk about it again tomorrow.” He wrote ‘Y/L/N - Evans Baby’ along the top. You smiled a bit to yourself and waited for him to talk.  

“I don’t want to be just the sperm donor, I want to be involved in everything. From the ultrasound appointments to picking preschools. I also want to be in the room when you’re in labor.” He wrote it down as he was talking and looked up at you. You nodded with a big smile on your face.

“I would want you as involved as possible. We would be co-parenting this hypothetical child. My turn. To keep this from getting messy, we should do it through a clinic. Me in stirrups and your swimmers in a turkey baster. Sex can make things complicated and weird, I don’t want to risk something going wrong between us and then there be a child involved. Insemination isn’t as effective but we can always keep trying if it doesn’t work.” You pulled the notebook towards you and wrote down your condition.

That went on for the rest of the night. You and Chris take turns asking questions about your hypothetical baby. You had filled up pages and pages of notes about what you both want, from how you would decide to tell your families to living arrangements to if you’d circumcise or not if it was a boy.

A little more than 2 years later you and Chris found yourselves at the dining room table of his Boston home again. The notebook you had filled just a few years back right in front of you, along with 5 pregnancy tests. They were face down on the table as you anxiously waited for the timer to go off.

“Alright, Chris. This is it. It’s been 5 minutes, we can flip them over.” You released a shaky breath and stared at the tests right in front of you. Chris grabbed your hand and laced your fingers together. You looked at each other before reaching out to flip over the individual tests. Seeing all 5 of the tests with 2 solid pink lines knocked all the air out of your lungs.

“Oh my god. They’re all positive! Oh my god, Chris!! We’re going to have a baby!” You both jumped out of your seats and jumped around the kitchen before hugging each other and crying. He kept thanking you and kissing the top of your head while you sobbed into his chest, soaking his shirt. There were lots of tears over the next few weeks from you both after confirming your pregnancy with your midwife.

8 or so months later Penelope Elizabeth Evans-Y/L/N made her way into the world and the arms of her parents. The world seemed to stop when you heard the cries of your daughter for the first time. You could’ve sworn Chris stopped breathing the second he laid eyes on her when she was placed on your bare chest. He didn’t even care that she was covered in blood and other bodily fluids, he swore that she was the most beautiful human being to ever exist.

He took a lot of time off from filming and working to take care of you both. Once you found out you were pregnant, you stopped acting for the most part. You knew that you wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, at least until she was old enough to go to school, and maybe then you’d go back to smaller roles that kept you close to home.

Chris had a hard time leaving you and Penny once it was time to go back to work. He held her close to his chest and cried at the thought of leaving her when she’s still so little. Seeing the extreme separation anxiety he was already having, you offered to go with him to set and find an apartment or house to rent for the duration of the shoot. This ended up being the greatest thing you could have come up with. Every single project that took him away from Boston, you and Penny were right there next to him. You and Penny followed him to what seemed like every corner of the Earth.

The weeks leading up to shooting The Winter Soldier were the most exciting for Chris. He had been training for months to get into shape and was really excited to have you and Penny on set with him. He had also been talking nonstop about working with Sebastian and Anthony again.

One night Chris came home with Sebastian and Anthony trailing behind him. Penny had gone down for the night and you were nursing a glass of wine on the recliner, watching whatever you could find on TV.

“Hey, Y/N. I should've called ahead, I’m sorry. We’re just going to have some beers while we watch the game.” He walked in and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek. You moved the blankets off your lap and stood up to greet Anthony and Sebastian.

“I don’t think you ever got a chance to meet these guys before. Y/N this is Anthony and Sebastian, guys this is Y/N.” Chris introduced you and you moved forward to give them both hugs.

“Sorry for barging in on you unannounced, we would’ve made sure this idiot called you before to make sure it was all good,” Anthony said, taking the beer Chris handed him.

“Oh please, don’t worry about it. He used to do it all the time when we lived in New York. Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess. Didn’t get a chance to clean today, I’ve had my hands full, especially with this one” You gestured a thumb to Chris and he sent you a playful glare in return.

You offered to put together some snacks for the game, knowing very well Chris couldn’t handle his alcohol without some sort of food in his system. Anthony and Sebastian offered to help while Chris snuck off to go see Penny.

“How long have you and Chris been together?” Sebastian made some small talk while looking for serving bowls in your kitchen. Anthony leaned against the counter and continued to sip on his beer.

“Oh, we’re not together. We’ve been friends since we were kids and we actually are just uh...” You chuckled nervously, not knowing what to say to his friends. Chris walked into the kitchen with Penny in his arms at that moment. Her head tucked into his neck, hands gripping at the fabric of his shirt and his arms under her butt.

“We’re raising our daughter together. They go with me wherever I go so I don’t miss anything and so Y/N doesn’t raise Penelope by herself. We’re co-parenting in the same house.” He said, looking at the tired toddler in his arms. Sebastian and Anthony both sputtered on their beers at the same time, not believing what they were seeing.

There was no denying that she was a product of you and Chris. Even with her sleepy eyes, they could see the bright blue color that matched the man carrying her. They saw the swoop of your nose and the color of your hair. They stood there just taking it all in.

“I had a bit of a crisis when I turned 28 after my long term boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. It was one of those ‘if we’re 30 and aren’t married’ sort of things. We turned 30 and were both still single, so we had a baby.” You shrugged, looking over at your girl.

“And it works, being parents without being together but still living together?” Anthony asked, gesturing towards the two of you.

“We had everything figured out before she got pregnant. We had conditions that we both had to agree on before we even got serious about it. We were both very adamant about not doing it the old fashioned way so things didn’t get messy. It took some time to figure out the… terms and conditions I guess.” Chris laughed a little bit. Anthony and Seb nodded in understanding and kept looking at Penny.

“I’m happy for you, man. Seems like you both are really happy. How old is she?” Anthony walked into her line of sight and waved his fingers a bit, trying to get her attention.

“She turned one a couple of months ago.” You said and watched Penny pick her head up and look at Seb and Anthony, inspecting them a bit. Her big blue eyes landed on Sebastian and she stared him down before he gave her a small smile and waved at her. She was a little shy around new people and would usually bury her face in the neck of whoever was holding her.

To your surprise, she leaned away from Chris and moved her hands out to Sebastian. Everyone’s eyes widened as she whined a little bit when he didn’t reach out to grab her. Chris moved closer and told him it was okay and let Penny make herself comfortable in his arms. She buried herself into his neck much like she does with you and Chris, her tiny fists clutching his shirt. Her eyes shut immediately and let herself fall asleep in his arms.

The next few months went on more pleasantly than expected. Chris often had late-night shoots and training, leaving you with Penny most of the day. Anytime he knew he would be home late, he’d send Seb over with dinner or just an extra set of hands to help you with Penny. She knew you were her mama and Chris was her dada, then one day she had her Seba. Anytime you opened the door to let him in with her on your hip, she immediately squealed and started to chant ‘Seba! Seba!’ and didn’t stop until he was holding her.

Sebastian had brought up the idea of taking you to dinner one night to Chris. Even though you were a single adult who could make decisions on your own, he didn’t want to disrespect Chris at all. Chris never saw you as anything more than his best friend, it had always been like that. He was ecstatic when Sebastian brought up the idea of asking you out.

“I’m so serious, Seb. I think it’s a great idea. She talks about you a lot and really loves being around you. She’s going to say yes, I promise. Y/N hasn’t dated since we had Penny, mostly because she’s scared of what someone would think about her living with her childhood best friend who happens to be the father of her child.” Chris told him honestly. You weren’t interested in dating at all since having Penny. Mostly because being a mom was your first and only priority.

Sebastian let out the breath he was holding and ran his fingers through his hair, all of a sudden nervous about asking you to dinner. Chris clapped a hand around his shoulder and gave him a quick pep talk before sending him on his way.

The 2 years between wrapping Winter Soldier and starting Civil War had been interesting, to say the least. Everything Chris did kept him in the states for the most part. You and Penny were still trailing along with him, always loving the things you got to experience as a family.

Sebastian had found his place right in your crazy life. You had been unofficially together after wrapping Winter Soldier. He went off to do his next project and you and Chris spent some time in Boston with your families. You texted him most of the day, and he called at night to talk for a few hours before you went to sleep. He always said goodnight to Penny and she blew her Seba kisses through the phone.

He flew to Boston a bunch of times to see you, even if it was only for a few hours. You flew to wherever he was for a few days at a time, most of the time with Penny. Chris somehow managed to get you on the plane by yourself a few times and promised he would FaceTime every single night and would have hourly pictures sent.

On one of your first weekend trips out to see him, he refused to let you leave without making it official with you. He had you in tears at the end of his ‘I can’t spend another second without calling you my girlfriend’ speech. When he proposed to you he had said that the only thing better than the girlfriend speech was the one he was about to give. His ‘I can’t spend another second without calling you my wife’ speech knocked that one out of the water.

Neither of you wanted to make a big fuss about a wedding. You weren’t interested in the big white dress and the stressful bridesmaids and the whole cliche wedding things. Sebastian suggested getting eloped somewhere quiet with a handful of the most important people in your life. Chris’s mom, Lisa, had offered to hold the ceremony in her backyard. Knowing very well how spacious and beautiful it was, you and Seb graciously accepted her offer.

You kept your dress simple yet elegant, a beautiful white lace dress that ended mid-thigh, and complimented your body so perfectly. Seb kept it classy with a dark blue suit and light blue button-up that brought out his eyes, no tie, because who needs one?

Right at the end of the ceremony right as the officiant was about to have you say ‘i do’, you heard whines coming from Penny, who was sitting right up front on her daddy’s lap. You looked over to see her squirming in his lap and whining out ‘mama’ and reaching out for you. Chris made eye contact with you and mouthed ‘i’m sorry’. You shook your head and let go of one of Sebastian’s hands to motion to let her go so she could walk over to you.

Everyone aww’d as she walked over to you as quickly as her legs could take her. You bent down and scooped her up, resting her on your hip and wrapping your arm around her waist to keep her up. Sebastian made faces at her to make her laugh and keep her happy for a few more minutes. Your photographer had taken advantage of the incredibly sweet moment and had made sure to get as many shots of Penny at the altar with you.

When the officiant pronounced you husband and wife, you were going to set Penny down but Sebastian was quick to pull you both close to him and go in for your first kiss as a married couple with your daughter right there. Everyone cheered and Penny was mimicking the claps of everyone around her. Before he pulled away from you two he pressed two sloppy kisses on Penny’s cheeks as she giggled, which pulled some tears out of you.

No more than 15 people were attending the ceremony. You wanted to keep it quiet with just family and a few close friends. The reception, however, was anyone and everyone you could fit into the ballroom you had rented at one of the best hotels in Boston. All your guests had filled the room before you and Seb arrived. You nervously held his hand as you heard the cheers from everyone inside after hearing the DJ announce “Ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary friends … let’s give it up for the couple of the hour, Mr. and Mrs. Sebastian Stan!!”

No one understood how you, Chris, and Seb managed to make your situation seem so easy and flawless. He knew that living in Boston was a must, so he bought the house that sits right behind the one you shared with Chris for so many years. He never wanted to get in the way of the system you and Chris had created over the years. Somehow, he managed to make things easier for everyone.

Penny’s first day of school was emotional for all 3 of you. You were all at your front door taking pictures of Penny in her school uniform that she looks so ridiculously cute in and the backpack that was way too big for her. She insisted on getting the Avengers backpack that “has my daddy on it!”

“Okay my love, it’s time for us to go to school! Are you ready?” Chris grabbed her tiny hand and led her to the car.

“Yeah daddy, I’m ready!” Penny said as he lifted her into the car and her car seat.

“Daddy? Mama and Sebbie coming too?” She asked him when he clicked the last buckle together. Right on cue Sebastian opened up the door to the free seat in the back and climbed in right next to her. She squealed in excitement at the sight of Sebastian buckling himself in the car.

Chris laughed at her genuine excitement and made sure all her fingers and toes were inside the car before shutting the door. He saw you lock the front door and make your way to the front seat. He noticed you put a few packs of tissues in your bag before setting it on the ground and buckling your seatbelt.

“Planning on crying today, Y/N?” Chris asked in a teasing tone. You swatted his arm lightly and scoffed at his question.

“Our baby is going to her first day of school, of course, I’m going to cry! I cried last night after I tucked her in, I cried in the shower this morning, I cried doing her hair.” You heard Seb talking enthusiastically to Penny, telling her about all the fun things she’ll get to do in kindergarten.

“It’s okay, I cried in the bathroom while she ate her waffles this morning.” You snorted at Chris’s confession and looked back at your baby girl, who was not a baby anymore. She was waving her hands around telling Seb about how excited she was to see her teacher again.

Chris and Sebastian watched from the car as you walked through the front doors of the school with Penny’s hand in yours. They had agreed that it might not have been a good idea to go in with her since they might get recognized and to avoid causing a ruckus. They both waved at her as she turned around and waved one more time before the door shut.

“Did you and Y/N ever think about having more kids together? If I hadn’t started dating her, do you think you would've had more?” Sebastian asked Chris.

“We never explicitly talked about it. She brought up wanting Penny to have lots of siblings not long after you started seeing each other. She felt guilty and thought that I was going to be upset about you and her maybe having kids one day, which meant I probably wouldn’t have anymore. I told her that this was honestly the best thing that could’ve happened because I don’t think I want any more of my own. Penny is all I ever wished and hoped for, and I got it. But since you’re together, she’ll get all the siblings she could ever want, and I won’t have to change a single diaper.” Chris nudged Seb’s shoulder with his. “You guys thinking about having one?”

“Yeah... Yeah, we are.” Sebastian lowered his head and smiled a bit. “With Penny in school and everything, it makes sense. She’s ready, I’m ready.” Seb sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He looked up and saw you walking back towards them with a tissue in your hand.

“I had the morning crying shift, it’s your turn.” Seb looked at Chris.

Just as Penny wrapped up her very first year in school, you and Sebastian welcomed Beverly Olivia Stan-Y/L/N into your family. Penelope had been so excited to hear that her mama finally had the baby she had been waiting so long for. You had gone into labor in the late afternoon and Beverly made her debut in the middle of the night.

Sebastian had called Chris an hour or so after to let him know that both you and the baby were doing phenomenally and that you were asking for Penny and wanted to see her as soon as you could. Chris chuckled at the demands you were making, knowing very well how the epidural and pain meds messed with you.

Early the next morning Penny had crawled into bed with Chris, crying for you and wanting to know when she was going to see you. It was still too early for them to go to the hospital, so he called Seb in hopes that he was already going to be awake.

A very exhausted Sebastian lit up the screen and Chris heard the soft cries of the new baby in the background. Penny’s cries turned into hiccups as soon as she saw Seb’s face because she knew she would be able to see her mama, too.

“Sebbie can I see mama, please?” Penny’s little voice spoke up. Sebastian immediately handed the phone to you and whispered that Penny was on the phone.

“Hi, baby.” You spoke softly to not disturb the baby.

“Mama when you come home? I miss you.” Penny wiped her eyes with her fists to get rid of the tears stuck in her eyelashes.

“It’s going to be a few days until I get to go home, baby. But you and daddy will be able to come to see me, Sebbie, and the new baby in a few hours. You need to go back to sleep and be a good girl for your daddy. I’m sure he’ll let you have some cuddles in his bed with him and Dodger until it’s time to wake up again.” Penny hiccuped and looked at Chris with eyes that mirrored his. He nodded his head and she buried herself closer to him.

“Okay, I go back to sleep with daddy and Dodger. I love you, mama. I love Sebbie, too.” She yawned out, her eyes blinking with sleep.

“Me and Sebbie love you so much, Penny. We’ll see you so soon, I promise” You blew a kiss to her through the screen and waited for her to throw one back. She giggled when you caught it through the camera and put it over your heart.

You, Sebastian, and Chris all watched with tears in your eyes as Penny held her baby sister for the first time. Penny had jumped right up in the bed next to you the second she walked into the room and told you about all the fun she had with Chris. Seeing your girls together melted your heart into a puddle. Chris couldn’t believe his little girl was so grown up and was a big sister. Seb thought about the night he first met you and Penny and would’ve never imagined that he’d be right here at this very moment.

Everything was so perfect and you never wanted to imagine your life being any different.

[forsakenoathkeeper]

I Am Alive (chapter 19/?)

Chapter 19: The Missing Android

Deviant!Connor[RK800] x (fem!)Reader Rated M(18+) for canon-typical violence and gore, medical procedures, and graphic sexual content

Chapters: 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • 11 • 12 • 13 • 14 • 15 • 16 • 17 • 18 • 19 • more coming soon

You can also read on AO3 & thank you for supporting me ♥

The Detroit Police Department had yet to make any substantial progress on the murder that occurred at AlphaBio a few weeks back, before another murder case hit their desks.

Connor stepped past the holographic caution tape into the building where their crime scene was located, immediately noticing the smell of blood was heavy in the air. In response, he turned his scent receptors down from standard to low. A body was sprawled out on the floor, cheek pressed into the pool of blood puddled beneath them.

"Nolin Greene," Officer Wilson stated when he saw Connor walk in. "M.E. estimated dead less than six hours."

Connor nodded at him before scanning Greene's body with his optical unit. He was 52 years old, had never been married, and was previously employed at Cyberlife as one of their esteemed programmers.

Even without scanning the man's corpse, it was obvious he had died from multiple gunshot wounds. One prominent bullet hole left a gaping wound in the back of his head, likely just to ensure he was dead, considering he had a few on his torso in addition.

Hank rounded the corner with a sigh. "All the security cameras were offline. Haven't been since pre-rev," he explained, approaching Connor.

He waited until Officer Wilson stepped away to lean into Connor with his arms crossed. "What did they make here?" Hank asked quietly.

"They used to generate code for androids operating systems and protocols," Connor explained smoothly, matching Hank's hushed tone. "All android manufacturing has been put to a halt. He had no reason to be here."

"Good point," Hank said lowly. "Would they have kept anything here?"

"Considering the audits Cyberlife financers are going through, I would imagine this place was-... scrubbed clean, so to speak," Connor replied, briefly glancing around the office space. Judging by the dust pileup and the damage to one of the windows, this place had likely sat abandoned for months.

"You think it's related to AlphaBio?" Hank asked the android. "Chips were stolen from that plant. This facility creates code. That's a dangerous combination," he observed.

Connor gave Hank an agreeing look before eyeing the room again. Officers had brought in crime scene lights to cast out the darkness, and a flashlight was on the floor, labeled as evidence. It was next to Greene's body and had his fingerprints on it, powered off likely due to dead batteries. It didn't require any detective skills to see the power was cut off completely to the building.

"Greene was likely here to meet someone," Connor observed. "Who made the 911 call?"

Officer Wilson walked back in, careful not to step in any of the evidence. "An android apparently," he answered. "The call is saved in the case file."

"I'll pull it up now," Connor stated, using his HUD to pull up the case files remotely. "Would you like to listen, Hank?" he offered, eyes staring blindly ahead as his focus was elsewhere.

"Go for it," Hank said gruffly.

Connor's lips didn't move, but the sounds came from his mouth. Hank had seen him use his vocal processor like a speaker before; but, he never quite got used to it, and still found it very bizarre to see Connor look dead in the face while making noises that weren't his voice.

"911. What's your emergency?" the dispatcher asked.

Officer Wilson, who had never seen Connor do that before, stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the android in shock.

"My friend has been shot. I'm at-" a feminine voice followed. Seeing as she was an android, making the call with her internal processor, no outside noises could be heard, and there was no way to identify what made her suddenly stop talking.

The recorded 911 call continued in silence for a few more seconds before the android disconnected, giving dispatchers just enough time to locate the GPS coordinates from the call.

Connor stopped the recording and turned to Hank, his expressionless face returning to normal. He ignored Officer Wilson's concerned look.

"The android didn't block her GPS coordinates; so, she definitely wanted to be found," he explained to the lieutenant.

"She could have been the killer? Guy used to work at Cyberlife," Hank suggested thoughtfully. "Pissed off android?"

"Possibility," Connor acknowledged, nodding at the older detective. "However, she did identify him as her friend..."

The android trailed off, using his HUD to run a background check on Nolin Greene. "He belongs to no clubs, publicly, anyway, and has been unemployed since Cyberlife closed down. His former boss still has a primary residence in Detroit."

"Think he's worth a visit?" Hank offered more so than asked. "Let's go."

"I can drive," Connor offered, following the older detective as he headed for the exit.

"Fuck no," Hank immediately declared.

"Are you sure you can afford another speeding ticket?" the android challenged, some tease in his tone.

"I'm not gonna get another speeding ticket," Hank retorted fiercely, climbing into the driver's seat. He eyed Connor as the android shimmied into the passenger seat.

"Keep it up and your ass is walking," he threatened in a tone that Connor had grown rather accustomed to. It sounded sincere, but the android could tell the difference.

"Whatever you say, detective," Connor uttered, knowing full well his relaxed tone and stoic expression would irritate the older detective further.

Hank only grumbled in response.

...

...

...

Arthur Torres lived in a nice house in the posh, suburban side of town. He didn't seem at all surprised to find detectives at his door; however, he couldn't seem to bring himself to stop staring at Connor with blatant distrust and fear.

"You were a head programmer at Cyberlife for years," Hank stated, reciting information Connor had filled him in during their ride over. They had decided to let Hank lead with the likelihood that the man would be untrusting of Connor.

That seemed to be a very accurate assumption.

"Yes," Torres acknowledged Hank's statement.

"One of your former subordinates, Colin Greene, was murdered last night."

Torres was a skittish looking individual, and completely failed to maintain composure at the news. His hands were digging into his lap and he was struggling to keep still, fidgeting in his seat. Both the detectives doubted it was concern over Greene's livelihood, or lack of.

"Was it an android?" he asked, confirming their suspicions of his intentions.

Hank decided to ignore that question. "Greene's body was found at one of Cyberlife's office spaces, where programmers worked on their operating systems," the older detective explained. "We were hoping you could tell us why he would be there."

Connor decided to wear a cold look while he stood there, next to the couch where Hank had parked himself. The android was standing with perfect posture, arms crossed elegantly behind his back. It was clear that Torres was afraid of him. If he was being honest, he was taking advantage of that.

"Must have been the office where we worked," Torres offered quietly, trying to avoid Connor's piercing gaze. "I can't imagine why. The place was cleared out months ago. Did you ask Maria?"

Hank's brow lowered slightly. "Who?"

"Maria. She was a KL900 placed at our office. Nolin had reconfigured her so that she could test our codes. After the-" Torres' eyes flickered to Connor with uncertainty. "-revolution, he took her in - let her live with him."

Before Hank could utter another word, Torres continued, suddenly eager to run his mouth. "She had a lot of our incomplete code saved. I warned him it was dangerous to keep her."

The older detective looked down at his cellphone, that had vibrated quietly while Torres yapped. It was a text from Connor, reading, "the voice on the 911 call matches that model."

Hank tucked his phone back into his coat pocket. "What was their relationship like?"

"Well-" Torres began. "I suppose-... She was unique. He had modded her greatly - well beyond her manufactured purpose. I think he saw her as his own creation, in a way."

Again, before Hank could inquire further, Torres started up again. "She's missing, isn't she?"

Connor spoke up this time. "Are you suggesting she is somehow responsible?" His tone was calm, collected, almost polite, even; however, that was likely even more frightening than if he spoke with anger.

"I-" Torres stammered, eyes briefly flickering up to meet Connor's before immediately shifting back to the older detective. It was bizarre to think that this spineless man was once a lead programmer for Cyberlife.

"You can't think of any reason Greene would turn up dead in your old office?" Hank asked, maintaining the good cop persona he had taken up during this discussion.

"I can't think of why he would be there at all," Torres insisted.

"I would advise you offer something substantial," Connor warned, his tone cold and unyielding. "As of right now, you are our number one suspect."

"W-what?" Torres stammered, his panicked eyes falling on the android. "I haven't spoken to him since we were shut down. What motive could I possibly have?"

Connor's brown eyes remained unreadable, cold and robotic. That seemed to make Torres more uncomfortable than expressing valid emotion. "You said it yourself: he had access to incomplete code. Perhaps he knew something you didn't want getting out. So, you shut him up."

Torres' eyes landed on Hank, his gaze silently pleading, as if he expected Hank to stop Connor. Instead, the older detective wore a faint smirk. "He's got a point."

"No! I would never!" Torres defended himself loudly. "Y-you need to leave. I'm calling my lawyer."

...

...

...

"God, I love when those rich assholes lawyer up," Hank groaned as he climbed into his car. "It's like crying to mommy and daddy."

Connor slid into the passenger seat, a sour look on his face. "I pushed too hard. We probably could have gotten more out of him," he said apologetically.

"Nah," Hank retorted gruffly, silencing Connor's regrets. "We got the only useful thing out of him."

Hank pulled out of the street with a little more force than was necessary, mainly because he wanted to cause a fuss in the posh neighborhood. He could see the neighbors poking their heads out, rich and bored with nothing better to do than gossip. Hank's vintage car screamed detective or organized crime, and no in between.

"Let's check Greene's place. Maybe you can find something to help you locate this android," Hank suggested.

Greene's neighborhood wasn't as posh as Torres'; but, it was still nice, a little noisier with families out and about enjoying the weather. The warrant request had already been received and an electronic key had been sent over to Connor. He used the interface on his hand to let them inside.

The detectives walked around carefully, taking turns examining rooms for clues. The place was nicely furnished and impeccably clean. An android definitely lived here. If there was anything Connor could stereotype androids for, it was cleanliness.

There were a few photos hung up on the wall in the living room. The KL900 in the photos was likely Maria. She was an ordinary looking KL900, everything factory issued. Most of the photos were likely her at the Cyberlife programming facility.

There was one photo of just her and Nolin Greene together. She was wearing civilian clothes and her LED was removed. Their smiles suggested the relationship was a good one.

One of the bedrooms could easily be identified as Maria's room. There was no bed, but a desk with a charging station and a computer with an android interfacing tool in place of a mouse and keyboard. A quick scan of the room showed almost no fingerprints, except for a few on the door handle and door frame, which Connor immediately scanned as Nolin Greene's.

Hank was looking over a study that was likely Nolin's. The dark, stained wood desk was enough of a giveaway without all the golf memorabilia decorating the wall behind it. There was a laptop plugged into the charger. He figured CSI would pick it up later.

"Still waiting on that warrant for phone records!?" Hank called out.

Connor called back, "affirmative!"

"Damn," he grumbled to himself. "What's the holdup?"

The two detectives rendezvoused in the kitchen, exchanging disgruntled looks.

"No signs of a struggle," Hank observed.

"It wasn't a robbery. There aren't any fingerprints in the house not belonging to Greene," Connor explained. "The perpetrator left Greene's wallet and keys on his body... It's almost as if Greene was just... in the way."

The android looked away for a moment, staring off blindly as he searched Greene's employee folder again from Cyberlife's records. There was nothing in there about Maria, unsurprisingly. There were thousands of KL900's in circulation; so, there was no point in searching registered android records.

"Ya' thinking Greene wasn't the target?" Hank suggested.

"Assuming Torres wasn't giving us the runaround," Connor added on, setting a pondering gaze on the lieutenant, "Maria could have been the target; but... who would know that an ordinary looking KL900 has Cyberlife codes?"

"Someone who used to work for Cyberlife," Hank answered.

"It leads us back to Torres," Connor said sourly.

"He wasn't the only one that got bit in the ass," the older detective corrected him. "Lot's'a people out'a work. Lot's'a people facing lawsuits... and lot's'a people losing money. Oldest reason in the book."

"We need those phone records," Connor stated fiercely.

"I'm gonna call CSI. Get them on these damn computers," Hank stated, pulling out his cell phone.

"I could-"

"No."

...

...

...

After a long day of field work, Hank, Officer Wilson, Officer Miller, and Detective Collins gathered around a food truck a few blocks from the police station. It was already dark out and the street lights were illuminating the cityscape.

Connor decided to join them.

"You wouldn't fucking believe-" Officer Miller explained, an excited look in his eyes. "I thought this son of a bitch was gonna clock me. Connor came jumping over the roadblock and slam-dunked that motherfucker to the ground like this was WWE."

Detective Collins nearly chocked on his drink, doubling over with laughter. Hank was grinning, having witnessed that, and plenty of other amazing feats from the android, firsthand.

Officer Wilson nudged the android's shoulder. "Damn. Where the fuck were you when that crackhead tried to hit me with a baseball bat?" he teased, shoulders trembling with laughter and a wild, bright smile on his face.

Connor looked bashful, a crooked smile forming on his face.

"That's how you fucked up your hand," Hank added on.

"Small price to pay," Connor replied sincerely.

"Wait - was that how you met your lady friend? That nurse?" Officer Wilson asked, eyeing Connor suspiciously. He shifted his eyes to Miller with a grin. "Maybe I should save your dumbass next time and land me a hot nurse."

"You just need to get hurt," Miller replied with a grin, popping his knuckles dramatically. "I can help."

"I'd like to see you try," Wilson retorted. "You get knocked out by little old grandmas."

"That was Lewis," Detective Collins corrected. "But, it was pretty fucking funny."

"She put up quite a fight," Hank jumped in. "Earned that 'resisting arrest' with honors."

The conversation continued for a while, the men talking in-between eating their meals. Connor was mostly quiet, observing, occasionally jumping in when the moment seemed right. He worked with these guys almost every day and had grown to know them well; still, he found himself struggling to adjust to this - to fitting in.

When it was nearing eight o'clock, the android decided to dismiss himself.

"I'm gonna call it a night," he proclaimed, removing his elbows from the table. He had taken to using more common phrases around his coworkers, and this in particular was one of his favorites.

"Already? You don't sleep," Miller protested casually.

"He needs to get home so he can rearrange his girlfriend's guts," Wilson teased.

Miller and Collins broke out in laughter and Hank rolled his eyes, despite his faint smirk.

Connor stood there staring at them blankly, sincerely confused for a moment. Surely, that sort of thing would kill you. At the very least, it would cause severe damage that would require a surgeon. Why would he want to do such a thing?

A quick internet search, however, showed him that it was slang for rough sex.

He couldn't quite tell, but Connor was certain a faint blush had appeared on his cheeks. He spent 1.61 seconds internally debating if he should deny it or tease back.

At one point in the past, he might have taken this behavior as negative; however, he had grown to recognize banter as common between humans. The impersonality of it was how bonds were formed. Besides, he could easily recognize their teasing was unharmful. If anything, they were treating him like just another human, and that was more preferable.

"Maybe," he said lowly, the corner of his lip curling up slightly.

Connor's eyes reflected a mischievous glance at them briefly before he retreated. As he walked away, he heard the officers hollering obnoxiously at him, an echoing "ooohhh" as if he had declared something profound.

Before he was out of earshot, he could hear Hank grumpily, albeit fondly, telling them to "shut the fuck up".

[pi-cat000]

BNHA: Kakashi dimension hops crossover (4)

Summary: Kakashi gets dumbed into the My Hero Academia universe through random plot devise.

Characters:  Kakashi Hatake

Fandoms: My Hero Academia and Naruto

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence/injury

START  / PREV / NEXT

Doctor Wada makes an unscheduled appearance the same morning. Kakashi has the doctor’s schedule memorised and knows the man usually spends his first work hour in his office before checking in with various patients. The change is not unexpected.

“Ms Iori finished her rounds, marked everything as normal and handed the ward off without incident.” Wada and one of the floor’s morning shift nurses talk, voices lowered, too quiet for a regular person to pick up.

“It was called in around 4:15 am. We confirmed it as a burst blood vessel behind his quirked-eye, but we don’t know what triggered it. Without examining the eye itself it is hard to draw any definite conclusions. Since we don’t know what his quirk does, we didn’t want to risk staff safety without a specialist on hand.”

“Nothing else? No other symptoms?” Wada asks.

“No external bleeding. No signs of irritation around the eye socket. Clear, coherent verbal responses from the patient. Vitals are stable.  The dressings on the eye were changed yesterday, and nothing was flagged then either.”

“I see. Thank you.”

Depressed at the thought of what amounted to a forced long-term infiltration mission, Kakashi’s attention drifts away from the hushed conversation. Kakashi has never been assigned to any extended infiltrations. Long, tedious things that they were. Jōnin were usually too valuable to waste on them. Even before he had made jōnin, his skillset lent itself to tracking, assassination, ambush and one on one combat not undercover assignments. It was just his luck -or maybe it was karma-that he had been shunted into one. Three years of ‘mingling’ amongst these soft-acting civilians, waiting to build enough chakra for an attempt at a technique he wasn’t even sure would work. It was enough to make even the most battle-hardened shinobi depressed. 

Maybe he should run off and hide somewhere. He would skulk around for three years avoiding the locals. Less of a hassle that way. Kakashi lets out a weary breath.

“See if you can bump up that MRI. We need to make sure this isn’t anything serious,” Wada’s voice breaks through his musing as the doctor starts in the direction of Kakashi’s bed. The nurse he is talking with nods and leaves.

“Well, you have certainly had an eventful night,” Wada greats when he draws near, leaning in to visually scan Kakashi, “Let’s see what we have going on. Can you close your left eye for me so I can unwrap it?”

 He habitually pushes down his natural discomfort at having a stranger close to his sharingan as the doctor reaches to tilt Kakashi’s head to the side for better access. If he was going to be stuck here then he should maintain his complacent, harmless persona. At least, until he leaves the hospital. Besides, if they had wanted to hurt him, they would have done it while he was unconscious.

“No swelling around your quirked-eye and the bleeding has stopped, that’s a good sign. We’ll run a few tests and get to bottom of this, not to worry.”

“Yeah. About that,” Kakashi rubs the back of his head to look sheepish and apologetic, “I might have tested out my, eh, quirk. You know…I wanted to see what it would do…”

There is a beat of silence, the older man drawing away, too surprised to respond.

“I think it lets me memorise things it sees?” Kakashi continues. Even if he wasn’t 100% sure about what he would do next, he is not about to abandon his shaky amnesia cover story.

“Of all the reckless, irresponsible decisions!” the doctor snaps out of his surprise moving straight into anger, “I expressly told you to wait and not to mess with it. You had no idea what sort of quirk it was! What if you had injured someone or yourself.” The concern seems pretty genuine and Kakashi almost feels bad for manipulating him.

“Young people these days…honestly. No patience.”

Young? It had been a while since anyone has called him that. Kakashi is practically ancient by shinobi standards. The response prompts a semi mournful, almost amused sigh from him, “I know, I know. I just wanted some sort of clue as to how I got here.”

The doctor takes a frustrated breath, calming “Yes. I know it’s frustrating, being restless and hold up in this bed for three straight weeks, but there is a procedure to these things. You got lucky that the only side effect was a burst blood vessel. Next time you want to test your quirk we’ll make sure it is in a controlled environment with an expert on hand. I don’t care if you have some sort of passive regeneration, quirks can be dangerous. The hospital has offsite testing facilities for a reason.”

“Yes. I understand. I won’t do it again,” he says dutifully and gets a huff of disbelief and a head shake.

“You better not.”

A pause.

“So.”

“So?” Kakashi raises a brow.

“So what did you discover? Explain it to me again.” Wada motions, impatient, repositioning a nearby chair so he can sit comfortably beside the bed.  

“It lets me remember things…” Kakashi had given a lot of thought to what he wanted his fake ‘quirk’ to do without giving too much away, “I’m pretty sure I remember anything it looks at perfectly.”

A somewhat true explanation, in that recoding information and prefect recall was one facet of the sharingan; a side effect of its primary function which was to copy ninjustu and taijustu. The explanation also played into the diagnosis Wada had already written into his medical files, making it more believable.

“Then, lucky for you, something good came of your reckless behaviour.”

Kakashi just smiles which elicits the beginnings of another lecture. “Not that you should ever take quirk safety lightly. Quirk licenses exist for a reason. People can’t go about throwing their quirks around willynilly. A licence, I might add, that you don’t have.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

After witnessing several televised reports on police arresting people for quirk misuse Kakashi knows the people here, for whatever reason, are leery when it comes to using their abilities. To the point where they actively outlaw it. He is banking on Wada being sympathetic enough not to push the matter.  

Wada sighs again, “I’ll write it up as accidental use this time. Now. If your quirk lets you remember everything perfectly then what about your past memories. Any change on that front?”

“No. Still gone.”

“I see. That might mean the part of the brain linked to its memorisation function was damaged, disrupting the memories stored by the quirk,” Wada rubs his chin thoughtfully, “We’ll have to run a few more tests…a lot easier now that we know what it does I suppose.” Good. That was the conclusion he wanted Wada to come to.

“Alright, before we get to testing, were there any other side effects. Aches, pains, fatigue?”

Even as the man asks, he is pulling out a familiar penlight to shine in Kakashi’s regular eye.

“No. Nothing.”

What follows is his standard check-up routine. His vitals are recorded, his head checked over, the area around his sharingan examined thoroughly. Again. Well, as thoroughly as it could be examined without uncovering it. Next is an inspection of the chest wound he now knows is from Obito alongside a glance over his shoulder, arm and leg. Wada nods to himself as he goes, signalling that all is well.

“Your blood pressure is a little high for my liking. I’m guessing you didn’t sleep much last night what with how you were messing around with your quirk. Make sure you get a good night’s sleep tonight,” Wada instructs as he fits Kakashi with a padded eyepatch instead of the usual wrap of bandages. He pauses to wait for a nod of confirmation.

“I will,” he blatantly lies. Kakashi hasn’t had a proper night sleep since waking up the first time, dozing for shortened intervals only. With so many squishy doctors around he doesn’t want to accidently hurt one of them should he be woken from a nightmare. It did put additional strain on his body.

Doctor Wada peers at him, “We’ll give you another week of monitoring then get some authorised quirk testing done. A brain scan as well. Depending on what we find, we’ll see what we can do about getting you a diagnosis and then discharged.”

“Hmm,” he answers, noncommittally. Not like he has anywhere else to go until then. If this were Konoha, he would have taken off long before now and seen to his remaining injuries alone. This would be the first time in a long while that he is waiting for an official discharge. 

Guess he would be finding out how the hospital dealt with amnesiac patients after they healed. In Konoha, a displaced citizen would be given a menial labour job as part of the village’s many reconstruction projects and sent on their way. But this wasn’t Konoha and he should really stop with the comparisons.  

He needs to decide what he wants to do: Take off, find somewhere secluded and wait the years out. Or hang around to try and salvage the situation. This world did have a lot of interesting technology so there might be value in getting a better feel for the society here. Maybe he would find something useful to take back as an apology for abandoning everyone…

What a mess this all was.

...

...

...

The following week has Kakashi splitting his time between gathering supplies for a chakra storage seal and reading through Wada’s patient files to get a sense for his upcoming quirk tests and ‘brain-scan.’

He also takes the time to read through everything else Wada has in his office - mainly medical journals - to better understand the biological differences inherent in a place without chakra. Primarily, the people were physically weaker. However, there were a lot of mutations or ‘secondary quirk factors’ which reinforced the body to better deal with the stress of the primary quirk. All interesting and potentially relevant information to remember when he got into fights. Once he knew a person’s quirk he would be able to guess how their body was reinforced and act accordingly. A fire quirk would make someone naturally heat resistant but not impact resistant, is what Kakashi concludes as he re-reads the profile of current number two hero ‘Endeavour.’ The magazines gifted to him by Iori all contain a statistical breakdown of the top 10 heroes, their strengths, weaknesses, and their criminal apprehension and crime prevention rates. It is a list that rarely changes between issues. He commits it all to memory, idly planning out combat strategies that didn’t involve obvious ninjutsu or chakra use. It helps pass the time when he is not trying to make sense of what he sees on television or stalking various people around the hospital. 

At the end of the week, he steals Wada’s fountain pen, adding it to his growing pen hoard which he stashes in a vent on the roof. The storage seal he wants to make is complex and would need ink to complete.  A mix between a chakra-draining-seal-trap and a storage scroll, it is well on its way to completion. 

The seal would drain his chakra at a consistent and manageable rate, store it efficiently,  and give him a way to turn the chakra drain off and on at will. Also, as a precaution, he includes an emergency stop in case his chakra levels became dangerously low, so it didn’t accidentally kill him if he fell unconscious.

The seal would need to be positioned somewhere on his body in a spot where the doctors wouldn’t immediately notice. He doesn’t what to explain why he suddenly has a tattoo.  If he had had access to properly made fūinjutsu ink, the seal would be invisible. Alas, he would have to make do with chakra-infused pen ink.

Kakashi manages to keep himself busy enough that he expertly avoids making any concrete decision on what he wants to do with the next three years.

.

Note: this is slowly turning into a medical drama

NEXT

[suituuup]

pieces - chapter eight

Five years ago, Chloe dropped off the face of the Earth. Beca didn’t expect to see her again dancing in a strip club, out of all places.

rated: E (drug use and emotional abuse in early chapters)

ao3 link

*

Chapter seven was published yesterday, in case you missed it! I was too lazy to make a tumblr post.

*

The term rollercoaster didn’t seem strong enough to describe the last six weeks of Chloe’s life. 

Seeing Beca again. Leaving Marco. Getting clean. Finding out she was pregnant. 

She felt like she needed to stop and take a minute to remind herself to breathe, but the weight pressing on her chest prevented her from sucking enough oxygen into her lungs.

“You’re…” Beca blinked twice in slow succession. “...pregnant. With a baby.” She grimaced in the next beat, releasing a breath. “Sorry, I-- I wasn’t expecting that.” 

Chloe couldn't blame her for being shocked. She swallowed thickly and cleared the lump from her throat. “I made an appointment for an abortion. Tomorrow.”

Tears sprang up into her eyes before she could stop them, and she lifted a hand to her mouth to muffle the sob itching to come out. 

“I’m sorry,” she croaked out, shaking her head. 

“Chlo…” Beca murmured, setting a hand over Chloe’s back and the other one on Chloe’s. “You don’t need to apologize. What you’re going through is incredibly hard, and… if an abortion is what you feel is the best option, then that’s what you should do.” 

Chloe had always wanted to have kids one day, but this was the worst possible timing. She didn’t have a place to raise that baby, or a job, not to mention that she was a recovering addict. 

She nodded along to Beca’s words, as though attempting to convince herself further. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Beca asked. “To the appointment?” 

Chloe hesitated. “I don’t want you to miss work because of me.” 

“You’re more important than work,” Beca argued softly as her thumb stroked Chloe’s knuckles back and forth. “And I don’t think you should be doing this on your own, you know? But I don’t want to overstep either, so it’s completely up to you.” 

Chloe sniffled, reaching up to wipe her tears away. “I… I think I’d like it if you could be there.” 

“Done,” Beca instantly said, nodding firmly. She cleared her throat following a few beats of silence. “So um, is there anything you should do for your recovery? Now that you’re out of rehab, I mean.” 

“The therapist there recommended one in the city, I need to call and book an appointment. I’m going to my first NA meeting in two days. Otherwise, I’ve been told having a routine could really help? Like go for a morning walk, do some yoga, cook, clean… that sort of stuff. But all I want to do right now is crash for a few hours.” 

Beca nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Let me know if I can do anything to make things easier on you, okay?” 

Chloe managed a small smile despite how heavy her heart felt. “I’m already so grateful for what you’re doing for me, Bec.” 

“It’s what friends do. Help each other out.” 

Chloe ended up sleeping for four hours straight. She had never felt so exhausted in her life, and she guessed it was a mix of the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy and rehab finally hitting her. She didn’t eat much for dinner and mostly pushed her food around in her plate, knowing most of it would come back up as it had for the last few days. 

She and Beca got to the clinic ten minutes before Chloe’s appointment that next morning, and after filling out the paperwork, they were led into an exam room, where Chloe was asked to change into a paper gown. She sat down on the edge of the bed once she was changed, her eyes sweeping over the many baby pictures lining the wall. 

Her attention shifted to the door when it opened, a middle-aged woman stepping inside. 

“Hello, Chloe,” she greeted with a soft, reassuring smile. “I’m Dr. Harris.” 

“Hi,” Chloe returned quietly. “This is my friend Beca.” 

“Nice to meet you both,” Dr. Harris said as she approached. “I was told you’re here to terminate your pregnancy?”

“I-- yes.” 

“Okay. As one of the nurses probably told you over the phone, I need to check how far along you are first so we can figure out if a procedure is required,” she explained, setting her chart down and snapping on a pair of gloves. “When was your last period?” 

“I-- I’m not sure.”

She used to take the pill. But when you’re fortunate if you remember to eat one meal a day, it’s also easy to forget to renew your birth control prescription. That was just another detail among the many in her life that seemingly had ceased to have consequences or meaning the further she slipped down that rabbit hole. 

“Okay, that’s alright. Can you lie down please, and put your feet in the stirrups? I need to do a vaginal ultrasound so we can see better.” 

Chloe nodded, scooting back and lifting her feet. She reached for Beca’s hand as nerves sprouted in her belly, immensely grateful for her presence. 

“This might not be the most comfortable feeling, but I’ll try to be as gentle as possible,” Dr. Harris said as she placed a condom over the wand before slowly inserting it. She tapped a few keys on the ultrasound machine, gently moving the wand around until a clear image popped up on the screen. It was another minute before she spoke again. “Okay… given the size of the embryo, you’re about seven weeks along, Chloe.” 

Chloe puffed out a breath as a kaleidoscope of emotions swept through her. This was her baby, up there on the screen, and the sight of it suddenly made her question everything and ask something that she would regret shortly after. “Can I-- can I listen to the heartbeat?”

The doctor glanced at her. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” Chloe confirmed. “I’m sure.” 

Nodding, Dr. Harris pushed another key, and the most beautiful sound filled the room a second later. A steady, strong woosh woosh. Tears sprang to Chloe’s eyes, and she felt a squeeze to her hand as she attempted not to let them fall. Her own heart constricted in her chest, so hard it was nearly painful. 

“Turn if off, please,” she croaked out, shaking her head as her lids slammed shut, those tears sliding down her cheeks and curling around her chin. 

The doctor shut off the machine and withdrew the wand a few seconds later. “You can put your legs down, Chloe.” 

Chloe nodded and straightened, taking the tissue Beca offered her and blowing her nose with it. 

Dr. Harris watched on, her eyes soft. “You still have some time before making a decision.”

“Did it look healthy?” She found herself asking, then figured she should explain. “I just got out of rehab. I did cocaine and drank a fair amount of alcohol on a daily basis up until four weeks ago. And I was given um...” Chloe scratched her forehead as she raked her brain for the medication name. “Gabapentin for the first two weeks of rehab to help with withdrawal.” 

Dr. Harris’ features remained professional as she nodded slowly. “The heartbeat is strong, and I didn’t catch anything abnormal. The risk of miscarriage is more present than for other pregnancies as the drugs crossed through the placenta when you were still using, and that up to twelve weeks. Problems could occur during and after the pregnancy. But the baby could also be perfectly healthy, since you stopped in the early stages of pregnancy. It’s hard to tell.” 

Chloe’s mind swam with all these possible scenarios, and she didn’t know whether to listen to her brain or her gut feeling. “How-- how much time do I have to decide?” 

Dr. Harris slipped her hands into the pockets of her lab coat. “Abortion is legal up to 25 weeks in New York state. Up to ten weeks, you can take a pill, past that a surgical procedure is needed.” 

Chloe sniffled, swiping the back of her hand under her runny nose. “Okay. Thank you.” 

Dr. Harris cast them both a tight-lipped smile. “Of course. I’ll leave informational pamphlets at the desk for you to read, as well as my phone number should you have any questions.” 

“Thanks,” Beca said as the doctor walked out, then focused back on Chloe, reaching out to brush her hair back behind her ear. “I’ll give you a few minutes to get dressed? I can go get those pamphlets in the meantime.” 

Chloe nodded, her insides caving in as soon as the door clicked shut behind Beca. She gripped the edges of the exam cot hard, her nails digging into the leather and her breathing turning chopped as a mix of panic and sadness unleashed within her. 

It all seemed unfair, but she knew her own recklessness was the root of the situation she found herself in. 

She eventually managed to calm herself down enough to get dressed, meeting Beca by the desk ten minutes later. The walk home was silent, and Chloe was grateful Beca didn’t push her to talk. She didn’t even know how to process her own thoughts, let alone speaking them aloud. 

A few days passed. Chloe slept a lot, and tried to keep herself busy the rest of the time. One hour each morning consisted of hugging the toilet while she puked her guts out, and the rest of her day was spent craving that warm embrace of the rush cocaine once brought her. 

The temptation was there. She knew there was a store on the corner of Beca’s street that sold booze, and she knew there was enough change in the bowl by the front door to afford at least a couple beers. 

Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to. Not after seeing that tiny blob on that screen and listening to its heartbeat, because the biggest part of her wanted this. She knew it deep down, but she couldn’t silence those same voices that had been making her life hell for the past four years, telling her that she was bound to fail at this like she did with everything else. 

Chloe woke up that Saturday morning to a churning stomach. Scrambling out of bed, she stumbled to the bathroom across the hall and made it just in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the ceramic bowl.

She slumped back against the wall afterwards, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as she reached out to flush the toilet with the other. Chloe glanced up when Beca appeared around the corner, a sympathetic smile curving her lips as she stepped closer and handed Chloe a steaming mug. 

“Ginger tea. I read it helps with morning sickness.”

Chloe accepted it with a quiet thank you. She cradled the mug between her palms, her head tilting back against the tile behind her as she exhaled. “You can sit, if you want.”

Beca nodded and lowered herself next to her in the tight space, their thighs and shoulders touching. “Do you… want to talk?”

Chloe sucked in a sharp breath. “I feel… lost,” she croaked out, her head rolling to the side to look at Beca. “Before the appointment, I was so sure terminating the pregnancy was the wise option, but then I saw it on that screen and heard its heartbeat and…”

“You realized the wise decision is maybe not what you want?” Beca supplied when Chloe trailed off. 

“I’ve always wanted to be a mom,” Chloe whispered before she broke eye-contact, focusing on the mug she held in her hands as she blinked away the tears filling her eyes. “But it’s crazy to even consider it, right? I don’t have a job, I don’t have my own place, and I’m still battling with my own mind because I crave something. All day, every day since my last hit.”

“But you didn’t cave,” Beca pointed out softly. “I know it’s only been four days since you got out of rehab, but you didn’t cave, and that’s already an accomplishment of its own.” 

“I just… I don’t want to harm this baby more than I’ve possibly already done,” Chloe admitted quietly. 

Beca nodded, and reached out to take one of Chloe’s hands, tugging it into her lap gently. “If keeping this baby is what you want to do, those things you’re worried about have solutions. You may not have a place of your own, but I’m not kicking you out. Even with a baby. This is home for you as long as you want or need it. A job shouldn’t be too difficult to find. Maybe it won’t be the greatest one on earth to start with, but it will be something to get your head back in the game,” she paused, tilting her head to the side and seeking Chloe’s gaze. “And what you just said? About not caving because of the baby? I can’t think of a better proof of your ability to be a great mom. You’re already putting that baby before your own needs, and I can’t even fathom how great and out of control those can become, and I think that’s admirable. And for what it’s worth, I think you should trust what your gut tells you. I listened to my brain instead of my heart once, and ended up making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.” 

Chloe let Beca’s words resonate within her, basking in the temporary peace they brought her. There was no doubt about where her gut feeling lay on this.

“I feel like I’m turning your life upside down,” she whispered after a while, sniffling. “You’ve done so much for me already, I don’t want to keep abusing from your generosity, or jeopardize your relationship with Sarah.” 

“You’re not abusing anything, Chlo. I promise,” Beca murmured with a squeeze to her hand. A stretch of silence settled between them, until Beca spoke again. “You still have time to think about it. Just know that whatever you decide to do, I’ll support it.” 

Over the next week, Chloe found herself picturing what it would be like, caring and nurturing for that baby and raising them. For the first time in five years, cocaine wasn’t the first thing she thought about when she woke up, or the last thing on her mind before going to sleep. 

For the first time in five years, it felt like she had purpose, in trying her best to be the mom her child deserved. That meant staying clean, leaving those demons behind where they belonged, and getting her life back together one day at a time, for that innocent being that came to light in the darkest time of her life. 

She woke up earlier than usual that morning, and headed to the bathroom to pee, pausing as she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. A soft gasp escaped as she lifted her shirt and ran her palm over the barely perceptible swell in her lower belly. It wasn’t there yesterday, and Chloe felt tears pool in her eyes. 

Happy ones. 

“Hey there, little one,” she croaked out, her heart swelling against her ribcage as she rubbed slow circles over her skin. “We’ll be okay, won’t we?” 

She puffed out a long breath, a watery smile breaking through. 

One day at a time. 

[wefoundloveunderthelight]

The Love Cruise - by GleefullyCaptainSwan 

Read on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Or on FF

Tagging:  @stahlop  @kmomof4  @lfh1226-linda  @teamhook 

Chapter 2: On Your Feet for the Captain

Killian stood at the base of the plank staring up at the large ship he was about to board. He marveled to think that he, Killian Jones, was about to Captain such a large vessel.

“Can I help you?” Killian turned to his left and down at the short girl staring up at him.

“Sorry, Lass, just admiring the view. She’s a beauty.” He gestured toward the ship in front of them.

“She’s a game changer.” The woman marveled. “State of the art medical equipment. Best in her class.”

“Aye, so I’ve been told, do you work in the Medical center?”

“I do. Name’s Tink Bell.” She announced with an enthusiastic smile. “Are you working on the ship?”

“Aye, I’m her Captain.” He nodded to the girl and looked back up at the massive ship. “It’s nice meeting you, Lady Bell.”

“The girls are gonna get a kick out of you.” She mused, staring at him adoringly before she headed up the plank.

“A goddamned love cruise.” He groaned and mumbled to himself as he followed her up the plank.

“Welcome aboard Captain.” The man greeted him at the end of the gang plank.

“Thank you, can you direct me to my quarters? I’d like to drop off my things before I head to the bridge.”

“Certainly, sir, follow me.”

Killian followed the man through the narrow hallways, his hands lightly teasing the walls as he examined every nook and cranny of his new lover. When he was left alone in his quarters, he stood on his balcony, inhaling the smell of the sea. “Ok girl, I promise to take care of you, if you take care of me.” There was a knock on the door.

Opening the door revealed a man in a white uniform. “Good afternoon, Captain, they are ready to provide the brief on the bridge.”

“Thank you, I’ll be up there in a minute.” The man left him alone and Killian changed in silence into his uniform. Checking his reflection in the mirror, he exhaled and headed to the bridge. He loved the quietness of the ship only the crew on board before allowing passengers to board, he passed many of his crew members, nodding as they strolled by him along the way.

As approached the bridge, he whispered under his breath. “Ok Jones, get your shit together.”

“On your feet for the Captain.”

His chest puffed as he entered the bridge. He had to admit, he felt like a schoolkid walking into the room. Listening to his First Mate, Smee, walk through procedures was almost like a drug to him. When the report was done, he made his way through the ship, introducing himself to each member of the crew he met. When he made it to the atrium, he spotted Robin standing at his desk.

“Well, we made it.” He remarked. “Ready to witness all the debauchery and indecency my heart can handle.”

“Captain Jones, these next two weeks will be a defining moment of our lives.” Robin proclaimed, holding his hand to his heart.

“If I survive the next two weeks, that may be my defining moment.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” Killian turned toward the angry voice, seeing Regina Mills making a beeline toward them. “Why are you here?” She glared at Robin.

“Hello, M’Lady, we meet again. You are still as ravishing as the last time I saw you.” Killian rolled his eyes; his friend was really laying it on thick.

“Don’t M’Lady me, why are you here?”

“I work here.” He announced proudly. “Looks like you and I will have plenty of time to get to know each other finally.”

She scoffed, “Not on your life, it’s a big ship, just steer clear of me.” She turned to face Killian. “I see he brought his whipping boy with him. Whatever did they hire you two to do? Cook, entertainer,” She turned with disgust at Robin. “Janitor.” She said looking down her nose at him.

“You might want to offer a bit more respect to your Captain.” Robin said with a shrug.

“You?” She said in horror.

“That would be me.” Killian interjected, holding out his hand. “Captain Jones. I don’t think we’ve officially met, last time I came in right about the time the liquid started flying.”

She paled slightly. “I hope you have better manners than this one.”

“Aye, I’ll ensure he behaves this time, Ms. Mills.”

“See that you do.” She added before stomping away.

“Maybe this is going to be more fun that I thought.” He mused as Robin’s eyes followed her adoringly until she rounded the corner and disappeared.

~*~

“So, you’ll be here when I get back from camp?”

Emma looked over at her son’s face, his small round features staring at her expectedly. “Of course, sweetie, I’ll be home before you even get back from camp.”

“Good because I want to tell you all about it when I get home.”

“And you know how much I love when you give me all the details.”

“And the ship won’t sink right?”

“Henry, we’ve talked about this, the ship won’t sink. People go on cruises all the time.”

“I just want you to come home to me.”

“I will always come home to you, Henry.”

“I love you mom.”

“I love you too, Peanut.”

Emma dropped Henry off at Granny’s, kissing him on the forehead and getting in a cab on her way to The Wooden Nickle to meet with the rest of her group.

“I didn’t think you’d actually show up.” August teased her as she entered the bar.

“Well, you know me, I’m not one to skip out on a challenge.” She shrugged, “Besides, I’m just going to have fun with my friends.”

“I’m happy you agreed to do this.” He said honestly. “You deserve to be happy.”

“I am happy, August.”

“So, you’ve said.” He said simply as Ruby and Will came stumbling into the bar, their hands full of luggage.

“My God, it’s two weeks, not two months.” August teased.

“You can’t limit me to one outfit a day. There are going to be men I have never met on this ship; they haven’t seen all my outfits.” Ruby complained with a pout.

“Explain that to the bloody person who has to carry all this garbage.” Will dropped the bag from his hands onto the ground.

Behind them David walked in the door with his suitcase, staring at the array of bags at Will’s feet. “I thought we were only going for two weeks?”

~*~

Killian read through his checklist from his seat on the bridge. He glanced at his watch; they would be boarding passengers in the next 30 minutes. He felt the familiar flutter of butterflies as he called out items from his list to confirm they were ready to sail. He was excited and nervous to Captain such a large vessel. The sea was the place that he felt the most at peace.

Perhaps that is why he moved into a houseboat after Milah’s death, despite the protests from his brother and Robin.

He couldn’t imagine sleeping in the bed they shared with her no longer there. He also couldn’t sleep there without waking up in a cold sweat remembering the night the phone rang, an unfamiliar person offering him condolences. His wife gone in an instant from an aneurism. There were no goodbyes, no last kiss, she was just gone in a single heartbeat.

But he had to admit that he wouldn’t miss his bed on the houseboat either. Robin had been honest about the size of his quarters on the ship. Perhaps the next 3 months at sea would be a good change for him, a chance to get his head right.

“Sir, passengers are boarding now.”

“Thank you, First Officer Smee, let’s run through the rest of the checklist.”

~*~

“Name and Identification please.” The portly woman standing behind the counter of the cruise ship terminal stood waiting for their documents as they checked in.

“Ruby Lucas.” She announced, handing over her ID.

“Emma Nolan.” Emma passed the ID to the woman.

“I can’t believe we are about to get on that for the next two weeks.” Ruby stared up toward the ship and Emma had to admit it was quite impressive standing below the immaculate ship.

“I hope I don’t get seasick. Do you think I should take my Dramamine now?”

“The worst of it should only last for the first 48 hours.” The lady behind the desk offered. “But I would take it before you get on board. It can be quite disorienting at first.”

Emma dug in her bag, popping the pills into her mouth, and swallowing with the last gulp of her water bottle.

“Alright ladies, you are all set. Here are your cruise ID’s, these will open the door to your room so don’t lose them.”

They finished signing their documents and met up with the boys who had all checked in before them.

“How come you get your own room?” Will was whining as they joined the group.

“Because I paid for this whole trip.” August shrugged and Will winced.

“Works for me, I guess we’re roomies Mate.” Will patted David on the shoulder.

~*~

“Oh my God, look at this room.” Ruby threw herself down on the bed as soon as they entered their room.

“Wow, August must have paid a pretty penny for this.” Emma was astounded at the room, complete with a small sitting area and large balcony.

“This is going to be the best two weeks ever.”

While Emma was nervous about being away from Henry for so long, she knew she would have been away from him at home while he was at camp anyway. At least this way she could distract herself and she had to admit, being on board this luxurious ship was not a bad way to do it.

There was a knock on their door and Ruby jumped up to answer it. “Hello Beautiful.” Will was leaning in their door frame, he was wearing the most ridiculous looking button-down shirt, covered in palm trees and flamingos.

“What are you wearing?”

“It’s my vacation look, like it?” He modeled his shirt, walking through their room and spinning quickly as he got to the other end. “My shorts are khaki.” He ran his hand down his shorts and back up to his shirt. “And this, is the money maker.” He flipped the collar up on his shirt. “Now, which one of you ladies is escorting me to tonight’s launch party on the Lido deck?” He looked between them.

Emma jumped up from the bed and wrapped her arms around Will’s neck, planting her lips on his cheek. “My hero.” She giggled. “Find your own, Rubes, this one’s mine.”

“You heard the lady.” Will said proudly.

“I’m just going to change really quick. Are we meeting you guys up there?”

“Aye, we are heading up in a minute, your brother takes a long time to get ready. Are you aware of that?”

Emma snorted loudly. “Try growing up with him. That hair, right?”

“Bloody hell, he’s worse than a woman with that. I left him fluffing it in the bathroom. I was feeling less like a man the longer he took. No wonder he’s single, eh?” He shut the door behind him, and Emma and Ruby quickly changed into their sundresses for the party.

Once they were ready to leave, they hooked their arms together and found their way to the Lido deck. “My God look at all the fresh meat.” Ruby marveled as Emma felt her anxiety increase at the number of men and women gathered on the deck, many already coupling and pairing up for the evening.

As soon as she saw Will standing by the railing, she ran to him and wrapped her arm around his waist. “There’s my date.” She giggled, holding on to him like a life vest.

“Hello, love. Are you ready to set sail?”

“Ready for the adventure of a lifetime.” She jumped when a loud horn blared on deck signaling the ship being ready to push away from the dock.

She felt an arm around her shoulder and looked over to see her brother, smiling brightly. “You look happy.” She chuckled.

“We are on the ocean, wind in our hair, our whole future in front of us, what’s not to be happy about?”

“Well, Will says it took you an hour to do your hair, you sure you’re excited about the whole wind scenario?”

“You aren’t going to ruin my mood with your negativity, sis.”

“Will, I’m pretty sure that girl is checking you out.” Emma turned to seek out the woman that Ruby was pointing out to Will. A few groups away was a short, brunette, smiling in his direction.

“Bloody hell, I’m not a piece of meat. Where’s my girlfriend?” He turned, dragging Emma back to his side and wrapping a protective arm around her neck.

“She’s cute.” Emma whispered.

“Hey, I thought you were on my side?” He whined.

“Where did David go?” She asked, looking around.

“He’s talking to that girl over there.” Emma swung around and located her brother, standing by the bar, laughing with a short haired woman.

“That was quick.”

“Always the charmer.” Will added.

David came back toward the group with a bucket full of beer. He passed one to each of the group. “Already meeting people?” Emma inquired.

“Sorry?”

“Don’t act innocent, I know what the David Nolan flirt looks like.” She flipped her hair and laughed, her head tilting back as she exhaled.

“Whatever, she tried to steal my beer, so I introduced myself.”

“A thief, those are the worst kind.” Will scowled.

“Well, it was a misunderstanding, so it was all good.”

“What’s her name?” August asked stepping into the conversation.

“Mary Margaret. She’s actually friends with the woman who’s been eye fucking Will.”

“Shit, she has spies already.” He reached out, grabbing Emma by the hand.

“Must be really hard to be you, William.” Emma teased.

“It’s the worst.” He groaned.

~*~

“Let’s take her out, Smee.” Killian announced with an adventurous smirk, guiding the ship out of the dock and into the open seas. The feel of the ship shuddering beneath his feet, the controls in his hand as he turned her toward the ocean was exhilarating and brought him back to the time Liam let him take the helm of the Battleship during their time in the Navy. The sea was an intoxicating mistress and one that he would love for his entire life.

A few hours later after the ship was full speed ahead in the open waters, Killian excused himself from the bridge and made his way back to his quarters.

“Jones, I was just coming up to see you.” He turned to see Robin approaching his room.

“I see you are still alive, so Ms. Mills has not made you walk the plank yet.”

“I’m about to go check her out. She’s giving her ‘Welcome Aboard’ speech on the Lido deck right now. Thought I’d go give her a hand.”

“One that she will most likely break.” He laughed as Robin ignored his comment.

“You coming?”

“To the launch party? I don’t think so.”

“Come on, Mate. It’s your first night as the Captain of this beautiful vessel, don’t you want everyone to greet and fall in love with Captain Jones?”

“That is my exact fear.”

“Fine, but you will have to show yourself eventually around the decks. Passengers always have questions for the Captain. At least put on some civvies and head up top to watch the sunset tonight.” Robin left him in the hallway, mulling over his options for the evening.

~*~

“And again, I want to welcome you all aboard The Love Cruise, may our home be yours for the next two weeks.”

The dark-haired woman was giving a speech about all the fun they were about to embark on, but all Emma could focus on was the claustrophobic feeling of being surrounded from all sides. “I’m just gonna get some air.” She yelled into Will’s ear.

“Beer? Yes, I’ll take one.” He yelled back. Emma nodded and then pushed her way through the crowd. Perhaps a drink wasn’t a bad idea.

“What’s the drink of the day?” She asked the bartender as she approached, happy to be away from the large crowd behind her.

“Pineapple margarita.” He held up the large pineapple, “Comes in a pineapple.”

She laughed. “Who could say no to that?” She handed over her ID card and turned to watch as the crowd was whipped into a frenzy, the cruise director and another man hyping the crowd as the music started to blare through the speakers.

“Here you go Miss.”

She took the large pineapple, complete with umbrella and flower and walked further down the deck toward the front of the ship, away from the crowd and noise. The drink was ridiculously over the top, but she reminded herself that she was on an over-the-top cruise where singles came to meet up and perhaps an adult drink in a large fruit wasn’t that ridiculous after all.

She sipped her drink as she leaned over the rail, watching the water in the ships wake ripple in the last light left before the sun dipped below the ocean’s view.

“I hope you have no plans to jump, I’m a fairly good swimmer but the water is quite cold.”

Emma flinched and turned to the offending intruder when her heart caught in her throat. Standing before her was the most gorgeous man she had ever laid eyes on. The waning sun shimmered in the dark strands of his hair, his blue eyes reflecting like pools of bright light staring back at her.

Oh my God Emma, say something!

“No plans currently at the moment but I’m reserving my right to jump later.”

“Well then I guess you’ll have to alert me when the time comes so that someone will be there to fetch you.”

His voice was smooth and addicting and she was conflicted on being annoyed that he was interrupting her private moment but also trying to come up with an excuse to get him to continue speaking to her with his incredibly sexy accent.

Stop it.

She realized he was still looking at her and suddenly she didn’t know how long she had been standing there in silence looking like a cat that swallowed a canary. She did the only thing she could do and started laughing. However, she was sure if that was not an improvement on the silence or if she suddenly just turned into a crazy person laughing for no reason.

As if recognizing her inner turmoil, he leaned against the rail beside her and spoke again. “This is my favorite part of the ship.”

“The rail?”

What the fuck, Emma. Why would she say that?

He chuckled, “The bow of the ship. Looking out at the ocean, seeing where she’s taking you, no other feeling like it.”

“You aren’t about to expose some weird kink to me and ask me to pose like they did on the titanic or anything, right?”

He scrunched his nose, “That’s a kink? Perhaps I don’t understand that word as well as I thought I did.”

She couldn’t stop the snort from escaping her and quickly cupped her mouth.

“So, tell me love, why are you not at the party with all the other desperate singles?”

“Would you believe me if I told you I was blackmailed into coming on this cruise?”

It was his turn to laugh loudly and she immediately noticed the adorable way his eyes crinkled when he did.

“Blackmailed? Well, that is scandalous.”

“I could ask you the same, unless you were stalking me and followed me back here to get me alone?”

“I can assure you, there was no nefarious plot besides wanting to get away from the crowd, the same as yourself.”

“Blackmailed as well?” She joked.

“In a manner of speaking, yes.”

“My friends mean well, but I’m just not, into this.” She looked around at the boat, and back toward the crowd of people dancing.

“Aye, I suppose I’ve never been a fan of the smell of desperation, honestly.”

She found herself laughing again, something he seemed to be very good at eliciting from her. “I should get back to my friends before they send out a search party or think I’ve hooked up with someone and ask for a million details.”

He nodded to her as she pushed off the rail. “Might I ask for your name?” He paused, “In case you are in need of assistance when you throw yourself overboard in the future.”

She bit her lip, staring at him in the moonlight. It can’t hurt to give him your name, it’s not like you’re going to run into him again on this giant ship. “It’s Emma.  Emma Swan.” She stated quickly, hoping if he was a stalker that giving him her nickname instead of her last name would slow him down in finding her again.

“Nice to meet you, Emma.”

She turned, walking quickly back towards her friends. When she found them, Will was looking around nervously. “Oi, I thought you dumped me already.” He put his arm back around her shoulder and she leaned against him, swaying to the music as they listened to a band performing on the stage under the stars. “Hey, where’s my beer?”

[myshawningstar]

My Morphine

Summary: You are driving home from work one day in a rainstorm and lose control of your car. The world goes dark and when you open your eyes again you are greeted with a beautiful sight in front of you.

Word Count:

Request: “can u do a doctor! shawn fic? ur amazing bye ❤️”

Warnings: Mentions of blood, broken bones and car crashes as well as medical procedures.

Your car jerks, wheels gliding along the thin layer of water between your car and the road. You hated driving in rainstorms as you always had the fear of hydroplaning, yet here you were doing just that. You knew there wasn’t much you could do in this situation. You knew the only thing could do when hydroplaning was take your foot off the gas, keep your steering wheel as straight as possible, and try to slow down without using your brakes. Unfortunately for you, you were currently at the top of a hill driving down, so this only made your car pick up speed. At the bottom of the hill was a three-way intersection.

You were only a few blocks from home, a small apartment that you just recently moved into. As your car approached the intersection at the bottom of the hill, you decided that it was best if you just coasted through it; so you did. As you reached the intersection, there was a young woman crossing the street who happened to be in the course of your car. Your eyes widened, you were going to hit the poor girl if you didn’t do something. You let your instincts take over as you slammed on your brakes, steering away from the woman.

Big mistake.

You almost immediately lost control of your car as it swerved towards a lamp post, the momentum from the turn almost causing your car to flip. There’s a loud crunching, something hits you in the back of the head, and glass shatters as you are jarred to a very sudden stop. The world is spinning around you, your vision is blurred, your head hurts but it’s nothing compared to the pain shooting through your leg. You glance down to see blood all over your jeans.

“Are you okay?” The woman called, though her voice was practically drowned out by a loud ringing in your ears.

You open up your mouth to respond when you hear a loud, bloodcurdling scream. You looked around to try to figure out where the noise was coming from, but it was only then that you realized that the scream was coming from your own mouth.

 “It’ll be okay, I’m going to call an ambulance!” The woman yelled over your screams.

You feel hot, wet tears falling from your eyes as you let the pain and frustration get to you. There’s a bittersweet smell filling the air around you, suddenly you can’t breathe. It was a suffocating, sickeningly sweet smell. You knew that smell. It was Brad fluid leaking from your car. Your heart begins to race, you’re terrified that this was the end. This was how you die, in a flipped car, asphyxiated on chemical fumes and bleeding out. You pass out, the smell and the pain from your leg overwhelming you.

—

When you’re pulled into consciousness again, it’s when you hear the sound of the sirens bouncing off the walls of the large brick building in the ambulance bay of the hospital. You practically force your eyes open slightly as the doors to the ambulance open. The flashing lights from the ambulance hurt your barely open eyes and you shut them, wishing they would stop.

Once you had finally managed to block out the noise of the sirens, you could hear a voice. By the way he was speaking, you could safely assume he was a paramedic.

“Jane Doe, looks to be around her 20’s. She lost control of her car and crashed into a traffic light.” He reported.

“What’s her stats like?” A different voice spoke. This had to be a doctor, you could tell by the way he had taken control of the situation.

“Her bpm is 78 over 80, she’s been in and out of consciousness, and there’s uneven breath sounds on the left side.” The paramedic answered.

“Thank you. Page ortho!” The man called.

That’s when you saw him. The person who the voice belonged to. He was beautiful, like a Greek god.

“Let’s get her to trauma one!”

He was a tall young man with loose, brown curly hair. His face was gorgeous, sharp jawline, brown eyes, huge, yet concerned, smile. He was like a walking cliche of a hot doctor on a medical show. He has on black scrubs with a long sleeve white shirt rolled up to his elbows underneath. There is a stethoscope around his neck and a pen poking out of his pocket that was located on his peck. He doesn’t look any older then twenty five, which was only a few years older then yourself. You quickly realized you were staring, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to look away. He was like the real life version of Dr. McDreamy!

“Hey there, I’m Doctor Mendes.” Said the man with the god-like complexion. It was only then that you realized that you were no longer outside the hospital, instead you were inside a room. There were multiple doctors moving about the room, but your eyes only followed one. “You’re at New Eden Medical Center, we’re going to take care of you sweetheart.” Doctor Mendes spoke once again.

You felt your heart flutter in your chest as he spoke, he called you sweetheart. You opened your mouth, gathering every bit of strength you could muster and spoke. “Y/n.. L- L/n.”

“What’s happening? Her heart rate just shot through the roof!” A different man said.

“I can’t stop this bleeding, she’s losing a lot of blood.”

“We need to get her to surgery, stat!”

The room around you seemed fuzzy, it got darker every second. You fought to keep your eyes open as a loud, annoying buzzing sound was in your ear, almost like a heart flatlining. You didn’t want to see the beautiful man leave, but evidently, you gave in to the darkness.

—

When you returned to consciousness, you were greeted by a bright light, along with the sound of a loud, steady beeping, almost like an alarm clock.

Your eyes were heavy, and you struggled to keep them open, you didn’t know where you were. This wasn’t your house, this wasn’t your bed. Where the hell were you?!

You began to panic, looking around the room. There was a small tv in the corner, a chair next to the bed you were in. You quickly came to the conclusion that it was a hospital room. Your eyes shot towards the door as you heard footsteps approach.

“Hey there- you gave me quite a scare.”

You recognized the man immediately, your heart thudding in your chest as you looked at him. As a result, the beeping from the heart monitor you had been hooked up to quickened.

“Woah, woah. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you Y/n.” The Doctor McDreamy remake walked over to you and rested his hand on your shoulder.

“Holy shit.. you’re really hot.” You said before you had a chance to think about it.

He chuckled. “I see the meds haven’t worn off yet.” He smiled. “It’s good to see that you’re able to speak.”

“Why wouldn’t I be able to?” You asked.

“Well, we had to preform CPR, so I’d imagine your chest is sore.”

You stayed quiet for a second. He wasn’t wrong, your chest did hurt a bit, but that seemed to be the only thing you could really feel. “What happened to me?”

“You got into a crash. You’ve broken your femur, and a few of your ribs. You also have a minor concussion, but that’s all, other than your cuts and bruises.” Dr. Mendes told you.

You nodded, processing everything he had told you. It was a lot to take in.

“Do you have anyone we can call?” He asked.

You shook your head. “No.. I’m alone.”

What you said was true; you were alone. As a child you spent your life in foster homes, waiting for the day when someone would finally adopt you; but it never came. You had moved just over a week ago to this town, and you knew no one. You were alone.

Dr. Mendes frowned, nodding slightly as he sat on the edge of your bed, gently resting his hand on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry to hear that. But I want you to know that you’re not alone. You have me.”

You let out a hollow laugh, tears filling your eyes. “I don’t even know you.” You whispered, letting the silent tears roll down your cheeks.

“I’m Shawn Mendes. I’m one of the best surgeons here at New Eden Medical Center.” Shawn told you. “Now, you may not know me well, but you know me.” He smiled reassuringly.

“I just want to go home.” You cried softly, shaking your head as you looked down.

“Hey, hey, listen to me.” Shawn spoke softly, his hand sat gently under your chin as he tilted your head up to look at him. “I know you want to go home.” He soothed. “We just need to keep you here for a few more days for surveillance, then I’ll take you home myself.” He promised.

“Isn’t that against some sort of doctor code or something..?” You sniffled.

Shawn chuckled, cupping your face in his large, calloused hands as he wiped away your tears with his thumbs.

“It is, yes. But you said yourself, you have no one, or rather, you had no one. Now you have me.”

“But what about your jo-..”

“I’ll have to transfer off your case, but I’ll be in here every second I can be. Okay?” Shawn seemed to know what you were going to say before you even finished.

“Okay..” You nodded slightly, relaxing in the man’s arms.

“Now, you should get some rest. You need it.” Shawn smiled as he slowly pulling his hands away from your face.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” You asked worriedly, not wanting to be alone again.

“Of course.”

That’s all the confirmation you needed, you smiled as you shut your eyes, sighing softly as you relaxed in the bed. “Thank you, Shawn.” You whispered.

“Of course. It’s my job.”

That was the last thing you heard before you drifted off to sleep.

[thecaptainhelm]

Aw, this comes to around an even 2080 words, isn’t that sweet? This is officially it, no more, no more I say! I’ll be working on something for Halloween, so look forward to that.

 Blooper 1:

 Sometime after he was left alone by Ladybug... 

 Robin blinked, shaking himself back to awareness, bewildered.

 Just how much time had passed since...

 He blushed scarlet. (Just like her suit.)

 Robin grit his teeth and made his way downstairs on unsteady legs. His internal clock felt that close to an hour had passed and he tsked, sitting in one of the leather seats of the breakroom.

 Reclining back, his thoughts tried in vain to remember what he had been doing, and when he did the rage came back. 

 “I still can’t believe that happened,” he grumbled to himself as he remembered his father’s disappointment. Because it was Everything is Damian’s fault This Week, except he didn’t get the memo.

  Like always, he groused.

 He sighed, tilted his head back, and caught sight of the stairwell. Warmth settled in his chest replacing the cold anger. He surreptitiously glanced around finding no one, he allowed his mind to go back in time.

 Ladybug’s kiss had been tender and sweet, filling his entire body with a foreign sense of care that echoed through him even now. And when she pressed against him for insistently it took everything in him to try to kiss back, though that failed.

 She had taken the lead completely, practically had him pinned with her tongue down his throat.

  What if she did have him pinned with her tongue down his throat?

 His face heated up in full force as he thought deeply, fantasizing.

  Ladybug pulled back with a quiet noise, her gaze was unyielding and unapologetic. 

  “That’s...not why I offered, but I got lost in the moment,” Blue eyes like steel. His legs went weak.

  “But it seems like you’re into this sort of thing.” She grabbed him by the scruff of his hood and slowly maneuvered him against the wall. She was gentle as her eyes pierced into his with dark promise.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded. Ladybug smiled, calm.

  “I think I’m about to wreck an egoistic vigilante, what do you think  you’re  doing is what you want to ask, hm? Birdy,” Robin gulped as he tried to respond.

  “Oh, do you not want to?” She leaned close in a mockery of concern.

  “I...I, uh,” 

  “It’s okay,” her gloved hand carded through his hair. “Take your time, I’m not gonna rush you.”

  “I…” His heart was going crazy. He wanted her to do something, but he didn’t have the guts to say it.

  A sigh. “Aw, Birdy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you, I’ll leave and we can forget this ever happened.”

 No!

  “I want!” he rasped in a hurry. “Want it so bad, Ladybug, I--” Lips slammed into his own as deft hands pressed his shoulders into the wall.

  She briefly pulled away, leaving him gasping for air. “Don’t worry, Robin. I’m going to give you exactly what you want and more,”

  He whimpered, hot and pulsing with blood.

  “Robin,” she pushed closer. “I need you to do something for me, can you be a good boy and do it real quick, please?”

  “Yes, anything,” he panted. “I’ll be so good, so, so good,”

  Ladybug giggled. “Then,” she yanked his head back by his hair with a vicious smirk.

  “Open your mouth.”

  Robin let his jaw go slack, shivering in anticipation--

 A shrill chime reached his ears. It was his communicator. He flicked it open, and there was a message from Agent A, relaying a request to return home for a briefing of a drug bust tomorrow, all hands on deck. Great, just what he needed. He sent his ETA and stood to leave, but froze, halfway out the chair.

  No  , he thought, panicking.  No, no, no. Absolutely not!

A glance down swiftly confirmed his denial.

 He had an erection. From thinking about being pushed around. By Ladybug, of all people.

 He flopped back into his seat with a groan, head in his hands. His blush had spread all the way to his ears and chest while the gentle warmth from earlier had formed into something that was mildly uncomfortable in his layers of clothes.

 “Fuck it,” he rose up to storm towards the exit, refusing to walk bowlegged as his dick rubbed against the jockstrap of his suit.

 “Fuck this entire day to hell!”

Blooper 2:

Two weeks after Damian’s freeloading begins...

 Marinette hummed a jaunty tune as she closed the door to her art studio, kicking off her shoes.

 “I’m back and I brought those madeleines you like!” She called brightly as she made her way to the kitchenette.

 “Coming!” Damian gingerly walked in and immediately began to fiddle one-handed with the box.

 “I’m going to have mine with black tea, what do you want?” she asked, pulling out the tea boxes. 

 He grimaced. “You’re disgusting, you clearly have no taste. Get me my usual.”

 She pinned him with a hard stare. He sighed.

 “If you could make me some lavender tea, I would appreciate it, thank you,” he said politely..

 “You would also appreciate me kissing the daylights out of you,” she said, putting the kettle on the stove.

 “...what?”

 “Hmm?” she turned from the sink, seeing Damian looking at her with shock.

 “What did you just say?”

 Marinette placed two mugs down on the table, striding towards him. She plucked the box of madeleines out of his hands and set it back on the table.

 “I said,” she stared.  “You want to make out with me.”

 Damian blinked owlishly at her, then scoffed. “Great, you’re an actual pervert, like I suspected. And here I was hoping that it was a spontaneous happenstance.”

 “Aw, you know it’s just that I like you. “ She caressed his jaw, pulling a blush to his skin. 

 “You’re a human being, not an animal,” he put his hands around her waist. “Last I checked, evolution ensured that we don’t have an estrus period.”

 Marinette wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling close. “Fair enough,”

 “But do you really want me to stop?”

 Damian tilted his head down. “The answer should be obvious,  Marinette .”

 They gravitate to one another, an irresistible pull. Lips a breath away from contact, she stops.

 “Well, in that case, it’s a real shame,” she whispered before abruptly pulling away with a gusty sigh.

 “Since you never said how you feel about me, I won’t pressure you. I’m a human being after all.”

 Damian stands arms outstretched while she walks back toward the stove as the kettle begins to whistle.

 She pours him his mug and hands it to him, along with the bakery box. “Here you go!”

 She cheekily grins at him before going to make her own tea. She vaguely hears him grumble and retreat to the parlor, no doubt to sulkily have his afternoon tea.

  He’s so much fun to tease , she thinks, before gasping.

 “Hey, all those madeleines aren’t just for you, save me some!” Silence.

 “Damian!”

Blooper 3:

The second night of Damian’s freeloading…

 Damian sat completely still as Ladybug checked his head for any lumps and fractures, a logical idea, but a terrible one in hindsight. 

 Why? Because it required her to run her bare, naked hands through his hair, light and fleeting touches moving all around his head.

 He knew that it was merely a necessary medical procedure, but he still couldn’t help rolling his head away. It was nothing but him being stupid and childish. Yet no matter how many times he told himself this, no matter how many times he could see Ladybug quickly reigning in her frustration, he rolled out of her reach with grit teeth.

 Ladybug sighed, exasperated. “Damian, what is your problem? I’m trying to check you for head trauma.”

 He stubbornly glanced away.

 “Oh come on, stop being such a brat,” he bristled at that. “And look over here, please.”

 He remained unmoving.

 “Oh for--” An exasperated sigh. Small, thin hands grasping his shoulders. He grunts and shakes them off.

 “Stop being so whiny, and look at me --!” He’s grabbed again and what happens next is something that will make him want to wither away in embarrassment until the day he dies and some years after that.

 Marinette pulls him to look at her and he abruptly spins around, tilts his head and--

 “ Argh!  Merde!  Merde , que se passe-t’il!” Marinette grabs her jaw as she cringes away from him, pained cries warbling from between her fingers.

 He cursed. “Shit, I didn’t mean to!”

 “Marinette wasn’t having it. “A simple ‘stop it’ or ‘cut it out’ would have worked just fine! Ah…”

 “Are you trying to say I should have spoken up or something?!”

 “Um, yes? I’ve been telling you this entire time to let me know if something's wrong, but you keep your mouth shut as though you’ve suddenly forgotten how to speak! Oh, except when you’re insulting me. Can’t forget about that, now can we? Tell me, does your selective mutism only break whenever you feel like being an asshole?”

 “Oh, well excuse me, I’ve been saying that I’ve been fine only to be met with skepticism--”

 “And rightfully so, because for the past several hours--”

 “--so far be it from me that I can actually--”

 “--been constantly out of it--”

“--to the point that I can see that my opinion isn’t--”

 “--like you’re Insisting that you’re Superman or something!”

 “You take that back!”

 Marinette fiercely raised both hands and gave him the finger.

 “What even is your problem,” he snarled. “Stop smothering me!”

 “Smothering?” She scoffed. “You are literally still injured from being  exploded . Forgive me for being a little more hands-on. It’s clearly something else, otherwise, you wouldn’t be so obtuse about this.”

 Damian spluttered. “Obtuse?! How dare you! You’re the only thing I have a problem with here!” A lie. He had a lot of issues, but she was the most present one at the time.

 That’s right. This was borne from a crisis of proximity. Damian is, indeed, precocious a precious child.

 “Problem? I’ve been helping you, tending your wounds nonstop for the past twenty-eight hours! I’m supposed to be getting drunk off my ass with the rest of Paris, because, and this is important, I’ve been busy catching a super terrorist who is being tried as an actual war criminal. I haven’t seen you for nearly a year and suddenly I’m the problem?!”

 Marinette stood up and towered over him, glaring.

 “Bullshit! What’s up with you for real, Damian? And I want the truth if I’m going to be taking care of you like this for the next few months.”

 He gaped. “Months?!”

 She crossed her arms. “Well?”

 Damian gritted his teeth and felt the tell-tale blush spread up his neck and find its way all the way up to the tips of his ears.

 “Every time, you grab me, no, damn near manhandle me and you expect me to not have a problem with you? Not to mention you don’t know how to keep your lips to yourself!” He huffed, but Marinette was unrepentant.

 “Seriously? Is that all?”

 “Is that all…? That’s all you have to say for yourself?!”

 “I’ve kissed you once.  Once  ! Is my grabbing you supposed to imply some sort of trend, buddy? No. I have had to grab you so you can sit still and get treatment, because, according to you,  no hospitals . What do you take me for, a lecher?!”

 “No, but would it kill you to tell me what you’re doing before you put your hands on me?!” He gestured towards his face.

 “I can’t exactly see what’s going on if you hadn’t noticed,” he said fiercely.

 “...yeah, that’s on me,” she sighed, losing tension. She sat next to him again, this time on his left side where he could still see her.

 “Better?” He grunted, resigning himself since he didn’t really have an excuse to distance himself anymore. It was logical to just let her get it over with as soon as possible, but the humiliating shiver that would dance up his spine was too much an act to bear.

 She went back to checking his head for injuries, with less fuss this time.

 “...so,” she dragged the word out, her accent turning it into something completely different.

 “Why did you bring up the kiss?”

 “No comment.”

 “I thought you would forget about it after such a long time, and it has to do with me so I was wondering if--”

 He growled.

 “Was that your first kiss by any chance?”

  “No. Comment.”

~~~

taglist:

@frieddonutsweets @iamablinkmarvelarmy @mochegato @mochinek0 @jeminiikrystal @silvergold-swirl @kris-pines04 @eliza-bich @alysrose-starchild @theymakeupfairies

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[anotheronechicagobog]

Functional Dysfunction - Rheese - Chapter 1

written by @anotheronechicagobog​

A/N: This is a new series I’ve been trying to work on and I’m so happy that I’m finally done the first chapter! It’s IMPORTANT to note that this the fic I took a survey for a while back so; Sarah Reese has a double specialty of ED and Neuro. Also, it’s a bit AU so be prepared for that. 

Warnings: swearing, vomit, unplanned pregnancy, talk of abortion

The waiting room was a decent size, but she still felt small. Surrounded by medical diagrams and leather couches, and pregnant women, and pregnant women with children. She felt completely out of depth and she was finding it hard to breathe. Her tunnel vision was only broken when the nurse called her name. The older woman smiled at her obvious nerves and Sarah was instantly relieved, not because of the woman’s assuring demeanour, but because she knew that if she had gone to a doctor at MED instead of Planned Parenthood, she would have instead been met with shock, judgement, and awaiting a comment from Doris.

“Dr. Singh will be with you in a few minutes.”

“Thank you.”

So Sarah laid back on the examination table in the flimsy blue paper gown with her unmentionables in the breeze, because of course, Sarah found herself in a situation where she’d need a transvaginal ultrasound instead of a pap smear. She closed her eyes and counted to ten, trying to calm herself down.

“Ms. Reese?”

“Hi.”

“Hello, I’m Dr. Singh. You believe you’re pregnant?”

“Yes, I took two home tests, I’ve been nauseous but only between two and four in the afternoon and one and four in the morning, I missed my period, I’ve been fatigued, and my breasts have been sore. And it’s... Uh, it’s Dr. Reese, actually.”

“Okay, then. Are you in your residency?”

“Halfway through my second year.”

“So you know how this works then.”

“Yes.”

“Did you bring any support? We have counsellors and resources you can use. Your mental and emotional wellbeing is just as important as your physical health.”

“I’m fine. I just want to get the pregnancy confirmed and then book an abortion. I’m in my second year of residency, the father was a one night stand, and my main source of income comes from my mother who would not approve of me having a baby out of wedlock.”

“I completely understand. Med school was hard enough for me without pregnancy and then a baby. We’re still going to have a counsellor talk to you about it beforehand, make sure that you’re making the decision for you and not for anyone else.”

“Alright, I guess.”

“Well, let’s get started, shall we?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sarah was right, she was pregnant. She wasn’t surprised and it didn’t change how she felt. So when she walked into her next shift she didn’t expect a concerned Maggie to approach her. “Hey Sarah, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Maggie, why? Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

“You’re pale, you haven’t been eating much lately, and you’ve been more tired lately. What’s going on Reese, are you sick? You can talk to Goodwin and she’ll give you time off.”

“I’m grateful that you’re worried about me Maggie, but I’m not sick or anything, I promise. It’s just stress.” Sarah tried and failed to tell herself that she wasn’t technically lying, but pushed that thought to the back of her mind and took in Maggie’s disbelieving demeanour.

“If you’re sure...”

“I am.” Maggie gave her a look that clearly said ‘I don’t think you’re telling the truth but your lie is plausible so I’m letting it go for now’ as she exited the doctor’s lounge, leaving Sarah alone. She took a deep breath as she put her stuff in her locker before grabbing a clean pair of scrubs. After she’d changed into them she looked into the full mirror of the dressing room, staring herself down. She willed against herself not to do it and lost. She turned to the side and placed her hands over her abdomen. She knew that the fetus inside of her was tiny, the size of a sesame seed, but... She didn’t know what she was doing, truthfully. So she shook her head and squared her shoulders before tying her hair back and walking up to the nurses’ station. “What have you got for me, Maggie?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Andrew Pierson was seventeen and optimistic, something that both she and Rhodes admired. It made their daily rounds and checkups much easier. On most days they both went at the same time so that both departments were able to get first-hand results and to prevent miscommunication. The only problem was that they were always at 3:30 pm, smack dab in the one-hour afternoon window of Sarah’s ‘morning’ sickness. She did her best to quell it in advance; ginger tea, fresh air, mindful of what she’d had for lunch, and she was always drinking water. Sometimes though, like today, morning sickness couldn’t be quelled or repressed. She and Rhodes were discussing Andrew’s latest brain scan and what his injury meant for a valve replacement, when it reared its ugly head like never before. The bile was rising up her throat, fast and hot. She stopped talking in the middle of her sentence, drawing attention from her colleague and her patient. She didn’t register dropping her tablet. She darted into the adjoining bathroom and emptied the little liquid she had in her stomach. Even after it was all out she had to sit there dry-heaving. The burning discomfort in her throat didn’t bother her like it used to, and the painful twisting in her stomach annoyed her more than anything else at this point. When the hellish nausea finally passed she was able to register that she wasn’t alone. Rhodes stood behind her, holding her hair back for her. She turned to look at him and he clearly felt unbelievably awkward, like her, but she did see worry clearly on display behind his eyes. “What’s going on, Reese? You’ve been sick all week.” She hastily got on her feet, only for Rhodes to have to steady her when her balance wavered and mind spun from doing it too fast. After she was okay enough that Rhodes could let go, she warily made her way to the sink to rinse her mouth, only to find that there was some vomit on the edges of her lips and chin, only furthering her embarrassment as Rhodes tried to make eye contact in the mirror.

“It’s nothing-”

“Okay, stop. This is not nothing, you don’t think I’ve noticed how pale and nauseous you get every day? I may have my head wrapped around for too much but I’m not an idiot. Not to mention, you literally just dropped our patient’s brain scans to vomit. You are not fine, actually, you know what? Let’s just go down to the ED, get you checked out-”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Reese, these are continual symptoms, they could be the sign of-”

“I’m pregnant.”

“... Oh.” Sarah bit out harshly, turned the water off, and left the bathroom, leaving Rhodes standing by the toilet, as she blinked back tears. The look in his eyes, the acknowledgement, the pity. She picked up her, thankfully undamaged tablet, as a demure Dr. Rhodes came to stand beside her again. “I’m very sorry Mr. Pierson, I think I ate some bad sushi yesterday. Let’s just finish our appointment and then we can get you started on your new preparation plan so that you’re ready for surgery, okay?”

“Sounds good, and I hope you feel better soon, doc.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Rhodes had spent the remainder of Andrew’s appointment standing beside her clearly shocked and somewhat muted. When they both left though, he steered her into the closest conference room he could find. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I am, now if you’ll excuse me I have other patients that need my care-”

“What about you? Who’s caring for you? You’ve been really sick, and although pregnancy explains it, it doesn’t change the fact that you have concerning symptoms or that Maggie is one bathroom trip away from admitting you into the hospital herself. Because I haven’t heard anything about you in any of the gossip I’m going to assume that you haven’t told many, if any at all, people here. So is there anyone who knows? Anyone who can help you out? And what about the father? I mean you’re pregnant, you’re going to have a baby. Have you spoken to Goodwin yet? She’ll work with everyone to make sure that you’ve got everything you need-”

“Okay, stop! No one knows and I want to keep it that way. I’m not... I’m getting an abortion. And I just...” Sarah took a deep breath as she blinked her tears away. Not now, not at work, not in front of Dr. Rhodes.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay.” He stood there awkwardly, his arms hovering around her form, unsure of whether he should embrace her or not. Sarah shrugged his hand away and took a few controlled breaths. “I won’t tell anyone, but, does anybody know? And I don’t mean from work, I mean in general, do you have someone to talk to about this? Or take you to and from the procedure?”

“No but it’s fine, I’ll just call a cab after.”

“What if something goes wrong during the procedure, who are they going to call? You have to list an emergency contact.”

“I’ll be fine, everything will be fine.” Sarah took a steadying breath as she tried to quell her morning sickness, again, and stop her body from shaking. “Are you trying to reassure me? Or yourself?” Sarah honestly didn’t have an answer for that.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sarah cursed herself constantly over the fifteen-minute drive it took to get to Molly’s. Not only did she reveal a pretty damning secret to one of the hospital’s top surgeons, but she hadn’t been able to get out of going to the bar with the rest of the ED staff. And since Molly’s was a firefighter bar, owned by a few members of the 51st firehouse, the father of her child was most likely going to be there. She sat in her car, trying not to let the dread fill her as she stared at the ornate door of what was now her least favourite bar, not that she enjoyed drinking enough to have a favourite. She took the seat next to Maggie and tried to join in on the laughter that was being shared amongst her colleagues. But she couldn’t, she felt hot and cold all over, her breathing was tense, her chest was constricted, and her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes. The fact that Jimmy Borrelli, the father of the unborn child inside of her that he didn’t even know about, was staring at her with familiar lust-filled eyes, and that Connor Rhodes, currently the only person who knew about her pregnancy, just entered and looked at her with a mix of shock, horror, and concern, did absolutely nothing to help with her stress or her pregnancy symptoms. Rhodes made his way over to the table with a guarded look on his face. “Hey guys, how about I get the next round?”

“You’re not new anymore Rhodes, we know you’re not a complete stuck up ass, you don’t have to keep trying to bribe us.”

“Thanks for your words of kindness, Halstead, but this isn’t bribery, this is me offering beer.”

“... Fair enough, man. I think we’re all up for it.”

“Great, hey Reese, would you mind helping me carry it all over?” The meaningful look Rhodes sent made it clear he was using this as an excuse to talk to her away from their co-workers. “Sure.” She tried to sound chipper as she hopped out of her seat, but her voice was tired and it cracked partway through the word. Rhodes visibly frowned and Sarah could feel the concerned stares from her co-workers. They walked to the counter and nodded at Hermann, ready to wait until he was available. “I know that you’re... ‘Cancelling your subscription’,” he spoke lowly, mindful of all the ears around them and how fast gossip flourished among the groups present, “but you still, you know, have it. Should you be drinking?”

“I’m not. I’ve missed too many get-togethers and because of my, uh ‘binge-watching’. People, Maggie in particular are getting suspicious. And honestly, even though I’m ‘cancelling my subscription’, I can’t bring myself to do anything to harm... You know. I, uh, I don’t even drink, really.”

“Yeah, I know. Is there anything else I can get you, then?” Sarah shook her head even though her stomach had turned on her and was eating itself. The bodily organ betrayed her, making an audible growl that could be heard above the music bursting out of the speaker directly above them and the loud mixture of conversations that made nearly everything inaudible. He raised his eyebrow as she scolded herself internally and tried to ignore the warmth creeping up to her cheeks at his bemused expression. “You sure about that? How about some food? I hear that Mills has taken up working the kitchen here, the food should be good.”

“The food is great! And I’m not just saying that because I own that place.” Sarah jumped at Hermann’s voice, not knowing he’d gotten back to them.

“Would you mind showing me a menu then, Hermann? I won’t turn down free food.” Sarah nodded her head at the man standing next to her with a slight smile on her face, feeling better than she had all day if she was being honest. “Oh, is the good doctor buying again?”

“Yes I am, which reminds me, three pitchers of Coors please, and-”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.”

“And spaghetti and meatballs, please.”

“You got it. Here’s your beer, glasses for everyone, and your food’ll be brought over to you when it’s done.”

“Great.”

“And Reese?”

“Yeah?”

“Give us a good review, will ya? We could use all the help we can get to gain some traction for the kitchen.”

“You got it.”

Sarah eyed the tower of glasses she had in her right hand, concentrating far more than necessary if she was being honest, to make sure that she didn’t drop them. When Sarah set the glasses and full pitcher down she took the opportunity to look around the tables at her colleagues. Everyone had gone back to their conversations, and weren’t regarding her with caution, except for Maggie and Manning. They shared a look with each other, then her. “I’m fine, promise.” They shared another look with each other before discreetly taking her hands into theirs. “We don’t believe you.”

[kelseyshljourney]

My HL (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) Journey

“You have cancer”. I heard these words on a sunny July afternoon in 2020. July 23rd to be exact. I had a chest biopsy that was done that Tuesday, the 21st and anxiously waited for the results. I was not prepared to hear those words ever in my entire life nor is there anything that can prepare you for it. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, Madison, at the time so you can imagine the emotions I was feeling were heightened because of the pregnancy. Let me start at the beginning. Welcome to my cancer story.

My cancer journey started during my pregnancy with my aforementioned daughter. I found out I was pregnant with our first child in February 2020. I’ll make it clear that I had a wonderful pregnancy (cancer stuff put aside) and my daughter is happy, healthy, and living her best life. We were wonderfully blessed to be on this journey of pregnancy and enjoying every part of it. Although, I would not recommend being pregnant during a pandemic. Now being in 2021, there’s more that we know about COVID-19 but the beginning was rough. During the first trimester of pregnancy, my midwife brought up information about genetic testing that is available to pregnant moms for their babies that can be done through a simple blood test. It’s a carrier screening test that’s optional but does check to see if I am a carrier for 3 genetic abnormalities (Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13). I almost didn’t do this blood test because whether or not I was a carrier for the 3 different abnormalities, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. If I ended up being a carrier, my husband, Rob, would also have to be carrier in order for it to be most likely passed down to our baby. I decided to do it because it was covered by my insurance and it was a quick visit to my clinic to get my blood drawn. No big deal.

I got the test done in April and then didn’t hear anything right away. I didn’t think much of it but I realized that I never got my results back on the test so I called my clinic to get my future appointments set up and then spoke directly with my midwife. She asked me if I heard anything from the lab about my results and I told her that I hadn’t. She ended up calling them and then called me right back. She said that my results came back as “inconclusive” as the lab could not determine if I was a carrier for any genetic abnormality because a lot of my DNA strands are incomplete with parts missing. My midwife said that out of her 30+ years of doing this job, she has never heard of this result before. Great. I was concerned about what this meant for the baby and concerned since my midwife didn’t know how to handle this. My care was transferred over to a Maternal & Fetal Medicine (M&FM) doctor who I saw for the rest of my pregnancy as I was now considered to be high risk. During this same week (the week of May 18th), I had a visit over the phone with a genetic counselor who told me that the result of the genetic test could be the cause of something as simple as being anemic (not getting enough iron) or something more serious like a tumor (whether benign or malignant). I was told that the least likely of it to be would be a tumor (I can laugh about this now but the irony). I also had a breast ultrasound at the hospital to make sure there were no lumps that could be causing this (there weren’t – I was clear).

At this point, I was feeling stressed but overall still feeling good and excited about my pregnancy despite this hiccup (or what I thought was just a hiccup). I had a few visits with the M&FM doctor and had more ultrasounds than a “normal” pregnancy so that they can check to make sure that Baby E was growing as she should and didn’t show any outward signs of a genetic disability. I had a lot of blood work done but it all came back clear and showing no signs of anything going wrong in my body. For a while, I felt like a test subject and with every test that was ordered and prick in my arm I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t getting to enjoy a “normal” pregnancy with all the visits that I had. I say “normal” because every pregnancy is different for every woman. When my doctor told me that the last thing she wanted to order for me was chest CT and an MRI to confirm there was not a tumor in my body, she promised she would let me enjoy my pregnancy and not order any more tests. I almost almost declined the MRI and CT because I felt like I didn’t want to go through that and be exposed to possible radiation and on top of that, I felt fine. God was really watching out for me and leading me in the direction to get the diagnostic tests done.

On July 8th, I had the MRI and CT done. I was with Rob when I got the call from my doctor that afternoon to go over the results. The MRI was unclear because of the baby moving but from what they could see, there was nothing that came up. However, the CT scan showed a mass in my chest that was the size of a distorted hockey puck; measuring at 7 ½ cm by 7cm by 2 cm and was located between my heart and my lung. I was watching Rob tear up and all I could say to him as soon as I hung up with my doctor was. “I’m going to be okay” over and over again. I think I was in complete shock over hearing that there is a tumor in my chest that could be cancer. We had my family over that night and I broke down several times throughout the night. I remember saying that I want to watch my child grow up (since we didn’t know the sex of the baby at the time) and I was scared that I wouldn’t have that chance. I went to bed that night thinking that I was going to die during the night because of the tumor. To be very clear, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts or anything but when I was told that I have a tumor in my chest, the first thought that went through my mind was that I wouldn’t live to see the next day. This sounds dramatic as I’m writing this but it's the truth. In reality, I probably have had this tumor for a year, two years, or even longer. No one truly knows.

               Between finding out about the tumor and getting the chest biopsy done was about 2 weeks. I can tell you that it was the slowest 2 weeks of my life. During this time, Rob and I were busy packing and getting ready to move into our house. So on top of being in the middle of a pandemic, being pregnant, having a tumor in my chest (without knowing if it was cancer), we were moving too. These two weeks were filled with prayers and spending time with friends and family. I had many breakdowns but Rob helped by feeding me all my favorite foods (I was pregnant after all). We moved into our house on July 16th. It was a wonderful day and we are thankful for the friends and family that helped us move into our new space. It was an exhausting time but so worth it. As mentioned at the beginning of this, I had my chest biopsy on Tuesday, July 21st. They couldn’t put me under because I was pregnant but my midwife prescribed me something that would be safe to take while pregnant but will help calm me during the procedure. It was a surreal feeling laying on the procedure table seeing a needle sticking out my chest and moving with every breath I took. Without that medication, I would have probably freaked out since I knew that the needle was close to my heart and lung.

Me in post-op.

2 days later is when I got the call from my doctor telling me the life changing news: I have cancer. God works as wonderfully as he does because that day my mom and grandma happened to come over for lunch, a rare occurrence during the work week so they were there when I got the call. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (HL), which happens to be a very treatable cancer. My doctor told me that she has already been in contact with the oncology team at the hospital to have someone get a hold of me to get an appointment set-up right away. I called all of our family who came over to process the news with me. There were many tears shed between all of us and I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I was so stressed and worried about what this means for my future and Madison’s future. That night, I got a call from Dr. Anderson who became my oncologist during this journey. We met with him the following day at the hospital to go over my CT and MRI scan images and to go over treatment options. He discussed that the general treatment plan for HL was chemotherapy and possible radiation. He also discussed the staging (HL is staged from stage I to stage IV) but because I was pregnant, they were limited in what tests they could order to determine a true stage until after I give birth. For example, they would normally perform a PET scan to confirm where the cancer is in my body but weren’t able to because it’s not safe for the baby. I was originally stage I but borderline stage II because of the size of my cancer and they knew that because of the chest CT. One thing he suggested was to get a bone marrow biopsy done to confirm that the cancer hasn’t spread to my bone marrow (which is a common place for HL to be).

I can tell you now that doing the bone marrow biopsy rivals the pain of childbirth. I was 6 months pregnant when I had the bone marrow biopsy done and it is a very painful procedure. I had the biopsy done on August 5th and what they do is take two samples from my pelvic bone, a liquid sample and a solid sample. The thing is, they could only numb the area where the needle was inserted into my body but there was no way to numb my actual pelvic bone so that is where I felt the pain and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I’ll be honest, I cried during it but I luckily had a wonderful nurse who held my hand and talked me through the pain the entire time. Fortunately, the results came back confirming that there was no cancer to be found in my bone marrow. I was still considered to be stage I at this point in my cancer journey but that changed once I gave birth. I’ll get into that a little later.

This was the day after. I was very sore. Peep at the zubaz.

Now that the bone marrow biopsy was done, we met again with Dr. Anderson to go over options. I had the choice of starting chemotherapy while still pregnant (it’s generally safe since I was in my third trimester) or wait until I give birth to start. It was a very heavy decision to make. On one hand if I were to start chemotherapy while still pregnant, there are possible negative side effects for the baby: low birth weight, preterm labor (which ended up happening anyway), mental issues, and fertility issues. On the other hand, if I wait to receive chemotherapy until after the birth, am I putting my health at risk and possibly getting worse with the cancer? Rob and I went back and forth, talked to our families about it, and prayed – a lot.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to wait until after the birth to start chemotherapy. I was feeling good overall and not feeling the “normal” symptoms of HL. I was considered asymptomatic (not showing any symptoms) but here are the common symptoms for HL:

·         Persistent fatigue

·         Night sweats

·         Fever

·         Unexplained weight loss

·         Severe itching

·         Painless swelling of lymph nodes in neck, armpits, or groin

I came to the conclusion that whatever decision I made was the right decision. I knew that I wanted to ride out the rest of my pregnancy without causing any possible disruption to my daughter and her growth. In lieu of receiving treatment during pregnancy, I had to go in for weekly blood work to make sure that everything was still coming back normal (for a pregnancy). My oncologist did order a blood test that checked inflammation in my body. This is called an erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR) and the number was already elevated because of pregnancy but also if it was higher than what my oncologist wanted, it would help determine that there might be something bad happening in my body. The number slowly increased as the weeks went on and as I got more and more pregnant. Fortunately, the number was still low enough to satisfy my oncology team. I also had an echocardiogram on July 27th and lung function test on August 3rd to get a baseline on where my heart and lungs were. Of course being pregnant means that my lung function test came back with skewed results than what would be normal. They get these baselines since the drugs that I will be receiving during chemotherapy can affect the heart and lungs negatively so they want to keep a close eye on it. They both came back fine, my heart is strong and my lungs were functioning as well as they could with the rest of my organs pressed into them (yay pregnancy).

               I had my last ultrasound for my daughter when I was 33 weeks pregnant and the last time that I would see the M&FM doctor as I would be seen every week until I gave birth with my midwife. Little did I know, I would be walking into the hospital on Sunday evening, September 13th because my water broke (I’ll never forget Rob’s face when they confirmed that my water broke – it was priceless!) A little worried but ready for anything, I was ready to give birth despite her being 6 weeks early. Since I was only 1cm dilated, the plan was to induce me the next morning and start the process of giving birth. Apparently my daughter Madison had a different plan because I spent the night dealing with veeerrry painful contractions before I got the epidural. Seriously, a game changer. When the doctors came in to check how I was doing with the epidural, they were surprised to find that I was 9cm dilated and told me that I was about to start pushing. Since I was without sleep and very tired and given the epidural, I was ready to do the damn thing. After an hour of pushing, Madison was born on September 14th at 6:51am! She spent 13 days in the NICU but was never needing any respiratory support at only being at 34 weeks but was healthy and happy.

               Once Madison was home from the hospital, it was time for me to get started with my official cancer journey. On September 29th, I had a PET scan done and this helped to confirm everything we knew but also showed something unexpected; there was another lymph node that lit up in my chest too. This put me officially in stage II HL. The treatment plan remained the same though; I were to receive a chemotherapy combination of drugs abbreviated ABVD (every letter represents a different chemo drug). This part is hard to write because even discussing these drugs makes me nauseous and queasy (something that I don’t think will go away anytime soon). The “A” in the “chemo cocktail” side effect is hair loss. Something that I have prepared myself for, or as much as I could, but nothing can prepare you for when it actually starts happening. I knew that the hair loss was temporary and I would rather be bald for a short time than have cancer for the rest of my life. We got together with some friends at the end of September interspersed so they can meet Madison and also to spend some time together before Rob and I made the decision to lock down our house from visitors. We also made the decision to limit our circle of people that we will see in the coming months. We did this because we knew that my health was going to decline because of chemo and also with the threat of COVID, my immune system couldn’t take the risk of getting sick. It was a very difficult decision since we thrive on social situations and we love hanging out with our friends and family but it was vital that we don’t see many people. This really affected my mental health as I rely on our friends to get me through hard times and this was hands down one of the hardest times that I will probably go through.

               Over the course of the next 6 months, I will experience the ups and downs (a lot more downs than ups) of receiving chemotherapy and the effect that this has on my body. I would never wish chemotherapy and the pain associated with it on anybody. I know that this was extremely tough on my family and friends to see me in such a state. Chemotherapy and the days after it are a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It was my reality waking up every day and knowing that I still have cancer and have the possibility of getting really sick from it or something worse (don’t worry, I never got into a dark head space but I also needed to make sure I was realistic in all the possibilities). My only other experience with cancer is not a positive one. My sister in law, Beth, passed away from stage IV malignant melanoma on March 26th, 2017. From the time she was diagnosed to the time she passed away, it was about 6 months so you can imagine what was going through my mind when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease.  

               On Monday October 5th, I underwent outpatient surgery to get an implantable port that was put in my chest. This port is used for chemotherapy and is an alternative to having the nurses inserting a needle in my vein each chemo session because over time, the chemotherapy drugs can negatively affect strong veins. The port uses a special needle during chemotherapy to inject the drugs and connected to the port is a tube (I’m sure there’s a medical term but I’m not medically trained) that ran up to a main vein near my neck that was connected directly to my heart so that the drugs were dispersed quickly through my body. It was never painful during the time that I had it and I looked forward to the day when I would be able to get my port out because that means that I was cancer free and no longer receiving chemotherapy.

Also in post-op. Notice the 2 different spots where they cut open. The bottom cut is where the port rested.

On Thursday, October 8th, I had my first chemotherapy session. Luckily the hospital allowed one visitor to come with patients so Rob was fortunately able to come with me. My mom was staying with us for a few weeks to help with the transition of chemotherapy and making sure that someone was able to take care of Madison in case that I was not able to (thinking of this breaks my heart because I never wanted to be a position where I couldn’t take care of my own child). Rob and I showed up to the hospital early in the morning at about 8am and didn’t leave until a little after 3pm. It’s safe to say that it was a very long, draining, exhausting day. Not all chemotherapy sessions were this long but because it was my first one, there’s more that happens than normal. Walking into the oncology suite for the first time to get chemotherapy was nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what to expect. I also felt a lot of eyes on me from the other people also waiting to get chemotherapy and I knew they were looking at me because of my age. Most of them were a lot older. I did come across someone one time who was just a few years older than me (they usually ask date of birth when checking in so that’s how I knew) and I could tell it was his first time because he looked as nervous as I did during my first visit.

               At the hospital, they have both private rooms and a public space too. We were lucky enough to get a private room and it made things a little easier and helped to ease my anxiety knowing that if anything negative were to happen, I wouldn’t be in a public area where other people could witness it. The first nurse that I had was Jen and she was incredible. I’ll say that every nurse that I had were awesome. Anyways, they stared out each visit by taking blood work through my port. They want to make sure that I met the threshold with my blood work to be able to receive chemo because if I am below that threshold for what they are comfortable with, I would be deemed too sick to receive chemo and it would have to be delayed. Luckily I never got to that point but I came close a couple of times. They mainly check my hemoglobin and my white blood cell count but there’s a few other numbers they check as well. I then had a visit with my oncologist who walked me through what each drug’s side effects are. It also was an opportunity to ask questions. The main side effects entailed nausea, lack of appetite, headaches, fatigue, numbness in hands and feet, and night sweats. To help curb the nausea, there were “pre-meds” that were given to me before I received the chemo drugs that mainly were anti-nausea drugs.

Once my oncologist left, it was just me, Rob, and Jen. Jen started to give me one of the pre-med drugs called Emend. It’s an anti-nausea drug that was given to me through my port. Jen just started the drip from the IV bag when I started to feel my chest tighten and my face got flushed. I asked Jen if it was normal to feel this way and she stopped what she was doing immediately and told me that it’s not normal. She stopped the drip right away, pressed a button in the room, and then all of a sudden, it went from the 3 of us to about 7-8 people in the tiny room. There were nurses, helpers, and a pharmacist that came in the room. Someone was taking my vitals (heart rate, oxygen level, and temperature), while the nurses there checking my legs for swelling. As soon as she stopped the drip, the tightening in my chest went away and I was able to breathe normally. My vitals came back fine but my heart rate was through the roof because having that many people in the room spiked my anxiety and then there were people that were sticking their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. It was slightly embarrassing because I felt fine and I don’t like being fussed over. The pharmacist explained that they will discontinue giving me the Emend but he also explained that this is not a common thing that occurs for most people so I most likely had an allergic reaction to the drug. Once everyone left my room, Jen gave me a huge dose of Benadryl to counteract the Emend so I ended up falling asleep for most of the session and I was in and out of consciousness so I don’t really remember much from my first session. I woke up periodically when Jen came in the room with the chemo drugs. I think Rob left the room for a little bit to get some food from the café and to stretch his legs.

The drug that always came first was the Adriamycin (A) which had to be administered by the nurse sitting next to me and slowly injecting it in a timely manner. The rest of the drugs, Bleomycin (B), Vinblastine (V), and Doxorubicin (D), were given via IV bags that were slowly administered over a period of time. When 3pm came around, I finished up my last drug and was able to leave. I went home and slept for a long time.

I received chemo every other week. I was considered to be toxic for the first 72 hours after, which means my bodily fluids should not be handled by anyone but me. Rob and I deemed our downstairs bathroom as the “chemo bathroom” so that’s what I used every time. After going to the bathroom, I have to put the toilet seat down and flush twice. If I vomited, I would need to be the one to clean it up but if someone were to help, they would need to wear a mask and gloves. Fortunately I never vomited during my cancer journey (mind over matter). For the rest of my chemo sessions, they were mostly uneventful. There was a point where the hospital changed their visitor policy and I was not able to bring Rob to the appointments so I had to go alone. This really took an effect on my mental health and negatively affected my health knowing that I would have to endure the sessions alone. I felt like my health declined during that time period so for a few months, I was going alone and sitting in the public area. I usually would bring our Nintendo Switch, read, or I would sit and watch Tik Toks. I would have a song in my head on how I was feeling that day so I would usually send the song to my family to let them know where my head space was at that day.

For those that are wondering, a chemo cycle is about a month long (28 days). In each cycle, there are 2 sessions. The plan was to do 2 cycles and then have a repeat PET scan done (which was the end of November) and then most likely 4 more cycles of chemo after that and then another PET scan (which was in March). As I mentioned earlier, one of the side effects from one of the chemo drugs is hair loss. My oncologist prepared me that I most likely will lose my hair. Easier said than done. I didn’t see any hair loss during my first cycle but I knew that it was only a matter of time. When I started my second cycle of chemo, that’s when it happened. It was the week of Halloween and I believe it was a Tuesday when I took a shower during the day. As mentioned before, my mom was living with us to take care of Madison and I am thankful that she was there. This is a vulnerable topic to discuss for me because even though I know the hair loss is temporary, our hair makes us part of who we are as people and you can’t convince me otherwise. When I started washing my hair, I pulled out a huge portion. I kept pulling out more and more hair and I broke down crying in the shower. I eventually made it out and showed my mom what happened. This was one of the toughest days of my journey. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours after that because I was emotionally and mentally drained. That night, Rob bought me my favorite food from a hibachi place close by our house and that helped my spirits a little bit.

The rest of the week I avoided washing my hair when I took my showers because I wasn’t ready to go through that trauma again because despite pulling out a few handfuls, I still had plenty of hair on my head. I said at the beginning of the journey that I wasn’t planning on shaving my head and that I would just keep what hair I could but I changed my decision on that. On Halloween was when I became bald. I was prepared this time when I went to take a shower as I brought in a few shower beers and had loud music playing. I walked out of the bathroom and showed Rob, who was watching Madison, the hair that I pulled out and with tears in my eyes, I asked him if he could shave my head. I can tell you that afterwards, I didn’t feel sad, I felt liberated more than anything because this was my decision and not something that the cancer could take away from me. I was in pretty good spirits and spent the night playing board games with my brother and sister in law. We dressed Madison up as a Chipotle burrito even though she didn’t like that (she wasn’t in it long). I now am in possession of a few wigs and some hair wraps and hats. My family has never seen me without a hat or a wig on because being bald is the only physical trait that links me to cancer. I want them to always remember me with hair because this is already tough on them that I don’t want them to have that memory of me.

One thing that I didn’t mention earlier but with the Bleomycin (B), this was a drug that caused my loss of appetite, fatigue, and overall nausea after each chemo session. This drug is known to cause negative effects on the lungs so I was carefully monitored by getting lung function tests done. The last one that I did was at the end of my first cycle where they saw a slight drop in my lung function so they stopped giving me this drug so I was only getting AVD for the rest of my cycles. My oncologist explained that it’s better to have some of this drug in my regimen than not getting it at all and it’s about 50% of the time that it’s dropped at some point during the chemo journey. I overall felt better and got my appetite and some of my energy back. I started working out again and felt like I could get through the day without feeling like I needed a nap. I probably would have napped more if I didn’t have Madison at home but I wanted to give as much attention to her as possible. I’ve said this many times to my family, friends, and coworkers, but Madison will always be my dose of serotonin when I’m having a bad day.

After going through 2 successful chemo sessions, it was time to get another PET scan done. This happened on November 30th. I got the results of the scan 2 days later with Dr. Anderson. He explained that the chemo drugs are doing their job and he saw a huge improvement in the cancer that was found in my body. The mass in my chest also decreased in size. He showed me the scans and I was blown away with the difference. Seeing the cancer light up in my body gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes but also seeing the improvement gave me so much hope. The game plan after this visit was to go through 4 more cycles (about 4 months) of chemo and then do another PET scan.

On December 30th, I was starting my 4th cycle and I wasn’t scheduled for a visit with my oncology team that day. I had my routine bloodwork done and then I was sitting in a private room waiting for my pre-meds when my nurse for the day came in. She told me that it was taking longer to get the blood work back because my white blood cell count was so low that they had to individually count my white blood cells. Individually. Count. Meaning, I was almost at the threshold of being too sick to get chemo and inevitably delaying treatment. The nurse warned to be extra careful and to avoid leaving the house since I could not risk getting sick now. I only left the house to go to chemo at this point so I wasn’t seeing many people anyways. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news and breaking down crying because I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that and I felt scared during this process more than I let on to my family and friends because I hate feeling vulnerable. I was able to still get treatment that day but I also didn’t feel very good during that visit. This happened one other time, which happened to be my last chemo session that I had.

One scary event that happened was when I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was in the middle of my workday, Madison was being watched by my sister in law at my house, and I was in the kitchen walking back to my computer when I started having a hard time breathing. I sat down and tried to take a few calming breaths. I calmly told Briana that I wasn’t able to take a proper breath and I then told her that I’m going to call my oncology team to see what they would recommend. I spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. She said she spoke with my oncology team who recommended getting some tests done to see what is going on. I went to the hospital and had an EKG done and also a chest CT. My oncologist said the EKG came back fine and so did the CT. They thought possibly that I could have a blood clot but that wasn’t the case. They recommended taking it easy and to take some ibuprofen when I got home, which I did and I started to feel better and was able to take a deep breath again. This happened on February 2nd. I didn’t have that feeling ever again.

On March 10th, 2021 is when I completed my 6th and final chemo cycle. Despite having a low white blood cell count, I was in pretty high spirits hoping that this was going to be my last chemo session ever. I had the last PET scan on March 22nd and went over the results with Dr. Anderson on March 24th. I was a bundle of nerves and holding Rob’s hand when my oncologist walked into the room and what he started saying was ominous. He started out by saying that the scans look good but aren’t perfect (okay?) but they didn’t want to leave anything to chance (alright, what does that mean?) He proceeded to show us the recent scans and then did a side by side comparison and was showing us the improvement. He then started going over the follow-up protocol for when I would get future scans, visits, etc. I had to stop him and ask outright, “is there cancer left in my body??” and he laughed and said that he probably should have started out the visit by saying that I am cancer free. CANCER. FREE. Even typing this, I’m tearing up. I started crying tears of joy, relief, etc. He said that I am officially in remission and in 5 years I will be considered completely cured of cancer. I’ll be getting CT scans done once every year and visits and blood work done every 6 months.

Dr. Anderson explained that the mass in my chest decreased in size to the point that he’s comfortable with not recommending radiation. He said that I have the option of speaking with the radiation oncologists but that he doesn’t feel the need for me to get radiation done. He knew that I was very against getting radiation if I could avoid it but of course I would listen to medical advice if it was strongly recommended. This was a huge sigh of relief since radiation would take a toll on my body.  We left the hospital, I cried some more, and we went immediately to our families the life changing news. We spent the rest of the day at my parents house where Madison was and celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne and ordering sushi. I took the rest of the week off from work to relax and enjoy being cancer free. I got my port out on April 1st. It was such a wonderful and freeing feeling. I was looking forward to this day since I got it put in.

Again, post-op. I think my face says it all.

I can’t describe the feeling that when I check my next visit, it’s not until June. From May 2020 to March 2021, I’ve had a total of 47 visits that were cancer related (not even counting OBGYN visits). To provide a comparison before 2020, I would maybe have 4 visits during the year. We slowly have been spending more time with friends that we haven’t seen since before starting chemo and it’s been an amazing feeling. I’m looking forward to my hair growing back (and my eyebrows which slowly disappeared). If anyone asks me what my future plans are, I tell them that I plan to travel this year and focus on being a cancer free 27 year old. I’m also hoping that by sharing my story, it helps to spread awareness to the fact that it’s vital to get yearly check-ups by your doctor because you never know what might be happening without your knowledge. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, speak up.

I want to send a huge thank you to our friends, family, coworkers, our church, friends of friends, and any others that have prayed for us, brought meals and gifts over, or thought of us. I also want to thank Dr. Anderson and his team at Regions and for all the nurses that took care of me during my chemo sessions. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that I have felt during this entire journey and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m emotional writing this. Thank you.

Follow me on instagram! kel_sey5

[wyrdify]

His physician, Doctor Brooks, was maybe a few years older than Knox. Brown hair that started to grey atop his head, tired brown eyes studied the man who opened the door. Normally, he didn’t make house calls like this, especially this late in the day, but circumstances surrounding Mustang hardly qualified as normal. Bag in one hand, he walked into a rather lovely home. It was just a short physical along, a check-in.

“Through here.” Mustang gestured to the door to his right to what he presumed was a bedroom. While Doctor Brooks went in, Mustang looked over to the couch in the living room. “This shouldn’t take long, boys. He’s just here for me. Nothing to worry about.” And he meant it. In his mind, this check-in was nothing to be overly concerned about. All of them went through quite the ordeal, and this was standard procedure.

With the door closed, Doctor Brooks finally got a good look at his patient. Those dark circles were still there---they had been since the Colonel entered his care in Central. His eyes had a haunted look about them too, something he noticed when he and Major Elric returned from the south. Though, this time, not all of it had to do with that experience, one Mustang refused to say much about. It had more to do with the nest of blankets on his bed that definitely didn’t belong to him.

He wasn’t letting Edward out of his sight, was he. Not after he died that night in the hospital. Honestly, Doctor Brooks couldn’t blame him.

The exam went just about as he expected it to. Mustang, while one of his more stubborn patients, let him do his job without giving him much lip. So far, normal temperature, elevated blood pressure---to be expected---and a quick heart race. He noted it down before listening to his breathing. Nothing out of the ordinary there, and the reflex tests yielded good results. Now, though, he had to ask...

“Show me how the burn’s healing. You’ve been taking care of it, I presume.” Per usual, Mustang replied to this request with reluctance before lifting his shirt. Some soldiers boasted about their scars while others could barely stomach looking at them. Mustang fell more into the latter category, his gaze looking to the wall as he tried to ignore this part of the exam. “Looks about the same as when I saw you last. You know what I’m about to say, Mustang.”

“Rest, let it heal, tend to it daily---I know how to deal with burns.” There was the snark he expected. To be fair, Mustang did know what he was doing. Finding out the man was several steps ahead of him after his last physical was refreshing. “What else?”

“Your blood pressure is higher than I want it, and your pulse is quicker too. Have you weighed yourself recently?”

“One forty as of this morning.” Brooks noted that number down as he grimaced. Of course, Mustang noticed. “What?”

“You know what. I’ve told you the same thing every time I’ve seen you. You’re not still working from home, are you?”

“No. What does that---?”

“Stress, Mustang. You’ve got too much of it. And look, I know a good chunk of it right now isn’t your fault, but how you manage it is, and you’re not. I can tell you’re eating better again, but you need to find a way to lower your stress. Not working for a couple of weeks should help, but I’d also recommend talking to a counselor.”

“I don’t need---”

“Your son died, Mustang.” He made direct eye contact as he spoke, not letting his patient look away. "Some miracle brought him back, but he died. Before that, you were taking care of him at home after your assignment down south. Any sane person would be stressed with all of that going on.” Soldiers liked to think they didn’t need counseling, that they could handle everything just fine. But, based on what Mustang went through in the past few weeks along with Edward, he’d be foolish not to recommend it.

Sighing, he continued. “I spoke to the Fuhrer myself after I heard about what happened to Edward, and he agreed that you need to focus on making sure you two make a full recovery.”

“But I---”

“Don’t tell me you’re fine. If I let you go back to work as you are now, I’d be signing your death certificate.” Again, he went with bluntness. With soldiers like Mustang, he needed to make his words count. Based on how the Colonel stiffened where he sat, he had an effect. As he packed up his bag, he kept talking. “I won’t do that to your boys, and I know you don’t want to either. Take care of your sons, but don’t forget to take care of yourself in the process. Not just physically, but mentally. Can you at least try doing that for me?”

Mustang didn’t respond verbally. He only nodded his head as he let his arms rest on his legs. Brooks finished packing up his supplies, his bag back in his hand. Being a doctor for the military was stressful all by itself, but, at times like this, he was glad he stayed in the medical field. Seeing a thirty year old Colonel, State Alchemist, and a father like this---exhausted, defeated, and on the verge of a mental breakdown---confirmed he made the right choice.

“I’ll be back in two weeks to check in on you again. Follow my instructions, and maybe we’ll see about getting you back to work. Got it?”

Another nod. With nothing more to say, Doctor Brooks left the Elric-Mustang household. For that family’s sake, he hoped Mustang improved before he saw him next. The Colonel was a good man, and the country needed more people like him. How that man looked right now... it added a fracture to his heart. A thirty year old soldier shouldn’t think he has to carry the entire world on his back.

He shouldn’t have to be this strong.

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[anonsally]

Days 94-96 of COVID-19 shelter-in-place

Various shelter-in-place restrictions are being relaxed, and, unrelatedly, I have had some pretty good birdwatching lately.

Day 94 was Thursday. We had failed to buy milk the previous day (and I feel this was not my job after my medical procedure Wednesday morning), so I ended up having a smaller bowl of cereal than usual (followed by some of Wife’s millet porridge made with almond milk) and then going to buy some. There was no line to get in! That was very lucky! The store will be resuming its normal hours this week and staying open later than it has been lately, which is a relief--we won’t have as many incidents of realising too late that we don’t have what we need for breakfast the next day.

Then I “went” to work: we had a long meeting during which we did not come to an agreement about various strategies for analysis. The biostatistics grad student is convinced that the method two of us are advocating is based on an incorrect assumption, whereas I don’t see where we are making that assumption. I worked out some probability calculations with pencil and paper and wrote to the group about what I thought we were trying to do and why I didn’t think it made the erroneous assumption. I don’t know if that’s where she thought the assumption was coming in, though.

After work, I took a neighborhood walk with my binoculars and ended up getting some good birdwatching in. About halfway into the walk, I heard some rustling in the dry leaves on the ground. “Towhee?” I thought, and looked around for the source, expecting to see a brown California towhee. But it turned out to be a spotted towhee! Such a pretty bird, and I got a really good view of it in the binoculars. Since it’s a comparatively recent addition to my repertoire, I was excited about it. 

After that, I saw some house finches at the tippy top of a thin cypress (?) tree, and also saw a bird through the binoculars that... well, I couldn’t identify it, and I suspect this description is wrong because I couldn’t find anything in my book that matched it, but @lies​, if you have any ideas please let me know! It seemed to be a smallish bird with a solid (possibly orangey-) yellow front and a long, thin beak. It was perched near the top of a tree, and something I assume was a hummingbird seemed to be divebombing it? 

I walked back toward home but stopped at the house with the bird-feeders out front. There was a Nuttall’s woodpecker at the suet feeder! That was exciting (it’s another one I learned recently, and I’ve never seen one at a feeder). It got chased away by a scrub jay but hung out in the tree for a while and I got to watch it some more. There were also more chestnut-backed chickadees, goldfinches, and house finches, as usual, as well as a Steller’s jay. So I felt like I’d seen all the high-quality birds! 

In the evening I solved word puzzles with my dad on a video call. 

Yesterday was Day 95. I got up at 8am, and was really tired, but I had arranged to take a walk with my high school friend who’s visiting (and came over on Wednesday). We had planned to meet at 10am, but in a series of texts we postponed it to 10:15 and then 10:30, and then I didn’t manage to arrive at the meeting place until 10:40, and when I checked my phone on arrival, I saw that she was at least 10 minutes behind me! But eventually she turned up and we had a lovely walk in a park Wife and I have not been hiking in (it is a bit more crowded and less sunny than most of the ones we have gone to), but it’s the one this friend and I had both visited with our families as kids. This was just a very short, easy walk, but we saw ducks, turtles, chestnut-backed chickadees, a cute little periwinkle blue butterfly, and an amazingly well-camouflaged moth. It looked just like a leaf, but I happened to see it flap into position. I think it was an omnivorous looper? but the stripe along the back is blueish, which I haven’t seen in the photos online. Anyway, I was pleased with myself for not being scared of it. We also heard a woodpecker, but I couldn’t locate it. After our walk, we sat and chatted for a long time, and saw a couple of enormous ravens, a wild turkey, a bird of prey with a longish tail, and a couple of Steller’s jays. It was great to spend so much time with my friend. We did not stay 6ft apart the whole time, but when we were closer, we had our masks on, and when we were seated and talking, we were further apart; plus, we were outside the whole time. So I think it is fairly low-risk.

Afterwards, I drove down to my office. I had an appointment at 1:30, but I arrived a few minutes early, so first I ordered tacos to pick up at 1:45, and then I folded down the back seat of the car. I went to the door and waited for the building manager to let me in. I was there to collect my desk chair, in hopes that it will make working at home less of an ergonomic disaster. I also found Girl Scout cookies and some chocolate in my desk, so I brought them home too! The chair did fit in the back of the car (phew), and I picked up my tacos and came home. 

I worked all afternoon, though I took some breaks to read about Juneteenth, too. I had heard of it before as a Black American holiday, but I don’t think I had realised what it was specifically celebrating. And frankly, it’s outrageous that it isn’t a national holiday. The abolishment of slavery is something we should all be celebrating (as a first step toward liberty and justice for all, which we obviously have not yet achieved).

After work, I went to buy some ice cream and noticed that restaurants with space for outdoor dining have resumed seating people outside, with decent spacing between tables. 

I watered the plants that had to be put into pots, several of which are looking pretty shocked from the transplanting. And Wife and I did some heroic Adulting in the kitchen. I stayed up late.

Today was the Summer Solstice and also Day 96! Widget lost his lunch, or rather barfed his breakfast. I’m hoping an opossum will eat the vomit tonight, because I don’t want to have to clean it up.

I wrote to my city councilmember again, this time to ask about the fireworks we have been hearing every night for a few weeks. Last night’s fireworks may have been for Juneteenth, though. Anyway, I ended up going to the farmers’ market by myself rather late (Wife had a headache), but I ran into @llamapunk there and got to spend some time chatting and catching up with her while doing my shopping. Alas, I was too late for peaches! But in compensation, I bought lots of strawberries and some rhubarb. 

After I came home and ate, Wife and I set off to a park for a hike. This wasn’t as satisfying as most of the hikes we’ve taken--the trails were very confusing and poorly marked at many of the intersections, so we took wrong turns more than once. Also, they were both narrow and somewhat heavily trafficked in some sections, making it awkward to maintain much distance between ourselves and other hikers. Still, aspects of it were nice, and we got some good exercise--there was a very steep uphill section. However, the most exciting part of it was that we saw a family of wild turkeys, including several babies! So the hike was worth it just for that! I heard a woodpecker but couldn’t find it, but I got to point out some chestnut-backed chickadees to Wife, who was charmed by how cute they are. There was a variety of plant life, too, including a dead tree with some good fungi, a bay laurel with fragrant leaves, redwoods (with miner’s lettuce and redwood sorrel at their feet, but we were not supposed to stray from the trail to pick them), ferns, eucalypti, wildflowers, and the first ripe wild blackberries of the season. Being outside in nature and getting a little exercise seemed to relieve Wife’s headache, too.

I’ve solved a couple of cryptic crossword puzzles in the past couple days.

It looks like my county’s daily COVID-19 new confirmed case counts have been higher since late May than they were before that time, but that might be partly because of higher numbers of people getting tested. And the deaths seem to have peaked in April. Number of people in the ICU has remained fairly stable since mid-April, but the number of people in the hospital has roughly been increasing very slowly. Still, it doesn’t look like the protests have resulted in a pandemic upswing.

[klynn-stormz]

Legally Swan Chapter 7

Hey all! It's been way to long since I posted, medical and family issues got in the way for a bit. 

So it's a few days till my birthday and I promised my self that for my birthday I would write another chapter of this, and when I started writing I actually wrote three more chapters! So now I might actually post a few weeks in a row! I hope you all enjoy the chapter!, let me know what you think :)  

AO3: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7

Chapter 7

The next few months seemed to fly by, Emma was studying every moment of every day, Henry was right by her side, though she had him watching soap operas rather than studying law. She knew that she could prove Neal, and everyone that doubted her, wrong; It would take a lot of work and focus, but she could do it. Killian was a lifesaver, they met at least three times a week to study, and somehow that turned into Saturday movie nights and Sunday morning breakfasts as well. Honestly, next to Mary Margaret, whom she saw for regular manicure sessions and weekly lunches, he was her best friend. They had a lot in common from tragic backstories they had yet to share, to same music and movie tastes. She was sure she couldn’t have made it through all of this without him, it would be weird not seeing him when she went home for winter break.

Her favorite day so far had been when she was in Professor Humbert’s class discussing procedures for preparing a case.

“A claim has been filed and you are preparing your case. What is the first thing you need in order to continue the process?” Professor Humbert looked around the class, eyes landing on Emma. “Miss Swan, care to answer?”

Emma’s heart pounded, she could feel her hand begin to sweat and a bead of panic grew in her belly. She knew the answer, the question was whether she could say it without her voice shaking.

“You need evidence.” She answered as confidently as she could muster, there was a tinge of a question in her tone, but she thought she did better than she had thought she would.

The Professor nodded and then encouraged her. “Meaning?”

Oh shoot, she didn’t answer it fully. What was she supposed to say? It was something about support right? Or was it a whole other thing. She got the first part right, she could do this. She just needed to breath through the panic and answer. Oh hell, what if she got it wrong. Everyone here already thought she was a joke, they didn’t need to have confirmation. That’s why she hadn’t been speaking up much. Okay she really needed to talk now. It was talking to long for her to answer. She opened her mouth.

“Meaning you need a reasonable belief that the evidence would support your claim?” This time she couldn’t keep the questioning tone from making a full appearance. Her anxiety was at a full time high. Henry, who came to class with her and sat in her bag at her feet, leaned against her legs for support. There was a pause as the class and the Professor took in her answer. Then he smiled and nodded.

“Well done Miss Swan! Now class…” He continued talking but she had tuned it out. She did it! She had answered the question right, she had gotten both parts right. The rest of class seemed to rush by, she was out of class and in the next one quickly, still reeling from the fact that she had done it. After classes for the day she dropped Henry off at her apartment and texted Killian to meet her at the Rabbit Hole, she got there a little early and was practically bouncing in her seat.

“Swan!” Killian called as he entered the bar. He made his way over to her with a smile. “Your text sounded quite excited, love.”

“You could not tell that from the text.” Emma scoffed.

“Maybe not,” He admitted, his smile not dimming in the slightest. “but I could see you grinning from the entrance Swan, so I think I’ll stick with you inviting me here for good news.”

Emma grinned. “I was called on in class and gave the right answer.”

“Fantastic!” Killian cheered. He sat down, ordered, and insisted she tell him the whole story. Asking for arbitrary details and teasing her the whole way. “I believe we’ll need to toast your victory!”

---

They talked and drank for the next couple hours, keeping the talk away from school after Emma had finished her story, wanting a bit of a break from Law. Emma felt a pleasant buzz after a few drinks, deciding that switching to water might be best. Killian had the same thought, ordering a couple glasses for both of them.

“Time to switch to something much less inhibiting.” He announced, a tipsy leaning toward drunk grin on his face. “Now I believe this is the part of the night for tragic backstories love.”

Emma felt a knot in her gut begin to form, she didn’t know if she was ready for this, but at the same time she felt she could trust him. Maybe she would let him go first and keep her side as vague as possible.

“Alright Captain!” She found out that he had had that nickname in high school being the Captain of the school’s soccer (It’s football Swan!) team. “You first then!”

He smiled softly and sat back, he was probably going to regret this in the morning, but what was a few secrets given to Emma? Maybe he would just stay away from talking about how much he liked her, how he was fairly sure that he could easily fall in love with her, if he was half way there already. How strong he thought she was, and how much she had grown since coming here. If he was being honest with himself, he definitely couldn’t mention how he had never thought he would get over his first love, be able to move on, until he met her. No, best to stay away from all of that, he couldn’t bear to scare her off.

“My life most certainly isn’t that interesting Swan. But I’ll give you the run down anyway.” He threw back the rest of his water as if it were the rum he were so found of, wishing briefly for the burn of alcohol to help. He spoke of the small town in Ireland he was born in, of his older brother Liam and his mum. He told her about his mum’s illness and how she passed away just after he had turned 8. His no-good bastard of a father, leaving Liam and him in the middle of the night, just a few months after, never coming back.

Emma could here in his voice how much he loved Liam as he talked about how his 17-year-old brother took care of him, raised him, fought for custody of him and moved them to America as soon as he was 18 and had full custody of Killian. He talked of his brother joining the American Navy, of moving often but never worrying about that, as he had his brother with him. He spoke of his desire to join the Navy, enlisting on his 18th birthday, wanting to make his brother proud. He grew somber when he talked about Milah, an older woman he had begun a relationship with when he was 20. He talked of her with love and a longing in his eyes that gave Emma an unwanted twinge of jealousy. He spoke of how he had found out Milah was married, but separated from her husband, a prominent lawyer a few states up, telling of how lonely she was.  Their relationship had grown and Killian admitted just how in love he was with her, then it all fell apart. There was a training accident, a bomb that should have been disabled, Killian was too close, Liam was closer. 4 men lost their lives, Liam included, and Killian lost his hand, most of the movement in his arm, and the last of his family. The pain in his voice was nearly unbearable for Emma to hear, but she listened, she sat and listened to all of the pain. To Milah rejecting him in favor of exploring the world as soon as her divorce was finalized, to him finding comfort only in his drink.

Then she could hear hope, the hope as one of his friends dragged him out of the bottle and cleaned him up. They helped him find a purpose again. One of the friends being Professor Graham Humbert, who helped him find his passion in Law. Now at nearly 30 years old he was in his last year of his graduate program with offers from a few different firms and finally in a good place. Finally he could see the light at the end of the tunnel, he had said as he had stared intently into her eyes.They sat in silence for a moment, Emma had never heard someone with as sad of a backstory as his, and yet he seemed so happy and optimistic all the time, it was hard to reconcile the two pieces of him she had now seen.

“Well you certainly underplayed the interest in your life Killian,” She said a last, figuring teasing him would help the melancholy she saw in his eyes.

“Well, maybe it’s because I’ve lived it, but it’s not the worst life there is Swan.” He responded, smiling slightly. “I believe you now owe me a story.”

She began her story, she had meant to pass over the details she preferred not to talk about, being left on the side of the road, while not her fault, was still something that shamed her. Her adoptive family giving her back when she was 3 because they got a real child was also painful. But she began to open up to him, she told him everything, talking about Ingrid changing her life, and even Neal’s assholishness. Then she told him her biggest secret, how much she loved law school and felt like she fit here, that maybe, as scared as she was to admit it, she could see a future here. When she had said that last line she had stared at him hard in turn. They laughed and talked for what seemed like hours, about nothing and everything at the same time. Bonding in a way she had never done with anyone before. When the bar had last call, they made their way into the chill of and autumn night. Killian walked her to her dorm opening the door with a flourish.

“Your home milady, safe and sound as promised.” His exaggerated bow making her roll her eyes and laugh.

“Thank you, Captain.” She grinned as she preforming a small curtsy.

Maybe it was the way her hair was shining like the sun as she laughed, or her eyes sparkling like emeralds when she rolled her eyes, but it made Killian want in a way he hadn’t in a long time. So, he took a chance.

“Ah, but is that all your safe return home is worth to you Swan?” He raised his eyebrow and tapped his lips softly. Her eyes narrowed a slight smile graced her face.

“Please,” Emma scoffed. “you couldn’t handle it.”

He moved closer to her, they were inches apart and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. “Maybe you’re the one who couldn’t handle it.”

She lost her breath for a moment, staring into his ocean eyes, then moving to his lips. She moved quickly, grabbing his jacket and yanking him into herself. Their lips met in a clash of want and need. She let herself go for a moment, throwing everything into the moment with him. It was everything she had hoped it would be, and more. Then reality set in, she couldn’t do this now! She couldn’t get involved in something when she was still finding herself, not when she had come so far. She tore her lips away from his, letting her forehead rest on his for mere seconds, listening to their mingled pants.

“That was…” Killian began, his voice now rough with want.

“A one-time thing.” Emma claimed, stepping back and facing the door. “We never mention this again. We can’t.”

As she moved inside her dorm, she heard his soft reply. “As you wish.” And felt her heart beat quicken more, but she kept going.

---

Emma was terrified it would be awkward, that Killian would avoid her or they wouldn’t be the same as they were before. To her everlasting relief, when she saw him two days later, it was almost like it had never happened. Almost. She felt more aware of him now, noticing the way he moved to be closer to her, the way he leaned forward when he talked. She noticed the blue in his eyes brighten when he was happy, they darkened when he was talking about something he was passionate about. He scratched behind his ear when he was nervous, and she found it utterly adorable. Occasionally he would run his had through his dark hair, messing it up and making it fall over his forehead, this happened when he was tired or frustrated. She noticed to much, she knew it, but the kiss had changed everything, and she couldn’t help but file every little quirk away in her mind, and she hated how much she loved all of them. NO, not loved, she couldn’t love. Like. Like was better, she would go with that.

Time moved on, she completed her first semester and went home to spend time with Ingrid for winter. Grateful to be back in the warmth, she spent most of the time outside by the pool updating Ingrid on everything, Henry curled in a ball next to her, also enjoying the sun. Christmas had just passed two days before, she had two weeks before the next semester started up, and she was outside relaxing with Ingrid. The sky was a brilliant blue, reminding her of a certain blue-eyed law student back east. She wasn’t sure what he was doing for winter break, they hadn’t texted since the end of the semester, that was mostly her fault as she had told him how busy she would be (an obvious lie he had let pass). Realizing how much she missed him had been unsettling to say the least, and now, with her thoughts filled with him, she couldn’t resist.

E: Hey, hope your winter break is going good.

K: Swan! I was hoping you would call, I guess text in this case, at some point over the break!

E: Yeah, I was just thinking about school starting soon and wanted to see how you were.

K: No need to be modest Swan, it’s okay to admit that you were thinking about me ;)

E: …Did you really just wink at me through text?

K: Indeed! I can’t very well do it in person right now can I? My break has been going good, I was at a good friends home for Christmas, now it’s just catching up on studies for my final semester. How about yours love, is California treating you and Henry well?

E: I guess winking through text might be better, seeing as you can’t do it in real life any way.

K: Swan! I am hurt!

E: Uh-huh, I totally believe you… My break has been good, mostly just relaxing with my mom, it’s nice to be somewhere warm for Christmas.

They texted through the rest of the day, just talking, and it was nice. Every time he texted it brought a smile to her face, she really enjoyed having him to talk to. He asked about her day, he asked about Henry. And the dog in question had taken a liking to Killian as well, a good sign.

“So, who’s the boy?” Ingrid asked out of the blue, sipping her tea and keeping her eyes on her book.

“There’s no boy!” Emma said, thinking to herself that Killian wasn’t just a boy, he was most definitely a man… Nope couldn’t go down that road. Ingrid simply raised her eye brows and waited. Henry let out a bark at Emma, she looked at him and was sure if he had eyebrows they would be raised as well. Emma was never good at keeping secrets from her mother, so the whole story spilled out rather quickly. Ingrid listened then gave her advice.

“Darling, the man sounds smitten, what are you waiting for?” Causing Emma to sigh.

“I just don’t want to rush into anything mom, look at what happened with Neal! I don’t want that to happen again.”

“Neal was a completely different story, he was immature, didn’t listen to you, only talked about himself and was definitely not the one for you. This Killian sounds like he cares about you, listens to you, and helps you. You have to take a chance on love sweetheart.” Henry barked in agreement.

[emma-nation]

Bloodline - KamilahxMC Fanfiction (Chapter 4) *Ending*

Summary: A Feral attack, a mysterious serum and a big mistake… what consequences will it bring to Kamilah’s life and her relationship with Amy?

Rating: T

KamilahxMC Tag List: @iam-the-fuckin-queen, @annabellewerecorgi, @voltos9, @scorpistraub, @leavemeandmyshipsalone, @jen825, @andreear17, @spacecarrousel, @justejuste727, @aureliaxj, @graceschoices, @sleeping-with-her06, @supersphynxsworld, @gavryllo, @galaxyside-0, @msuhailey, @zoe6111, @ptxgirwaffles, @tigerbryn11, @shanuuh, @ilovetaylor13m, @honorablebicycle, @ilovekamilahsayeed, @fal-carrington, @begging-for-kamilah, @kennaxval

The Battle - 1 month later, 6 PM

Struggling with severe pain, Kamilah reached for her cell phone and dialed Adrian’s number.

“Adrian… that’s me…” she lay on the couch, but it wouldn’t bring her any relief, “my assistant… she betrayed me! I’m losing my child… help me.”

In less than 10 minutes Adrian was already by her office’s door, trying to break it down.

“Kamilah, I can’t open it,” he shouted from outside. “What’s going on?”

“That traitor…” Kamilah’s eyes flared red in anger, “she must have activated the security locks.”

Dragging herself around her office, she managed to get to her computer and disable all the security system, what helped Adrian to get in.

“Let me check you,” though Adrian wasn’t a doctor, he examined her briefly. “You… You’re having an hemorrhage. If we don’t do something quickly…”

Kamilah can’t quite remember the next few minutes, between the drive to Raines Corporation and the arrival of a doctor, who worked for Adrian. She was wincing and sweating cold in pain. Her mind couldn’t focus on anything else. Meanwhile they discussed the best procedure to attempt to save her son.

The doctor placed her on IV fluids, with a medication that would neutralize the effects of the abortive substance she ingested and ease her pain.

“I’m so sorry, Kamilah,” Adrian squeezed her hand. “This is all my fault. I’ll never be able to forgive myself if…”

“That’s okay,” Kamilah lied. Deep down, she was falling apart. As usual, she was only doing her best to hide it. “Vampires aren’t meant to be parents for a reason, Adrian.”

“This isn’t true. You could’ve… You will be an incredible mom.”

She fought a smile. Suddenly, she remembered an important detail she was missing.

“Can you call Amy for me? Somebody needs to inform her."

He sighed and went to his office to make the call.

The doctor returned to conduct more exams. Kamilah looked at the monitor by her side, displaying her vitals and her baby’s vitals too. While hers were completely steady, his heart rate was abnormally high, showing signs of distress and agony. The doctor was surprised he was still alive.

When she was alone, she placed her hand over her stomach once again.

"So little and having to fight such a hard battle…” she told. “We’ve got a lot in common after all.”

Her mother also had a difficult birth when she and Lysimachus were born. With a fragile health, common for that era, she died only a few years later, when they were only 7 years old. Her father was mostly at war, leaving them at the care of his siblings and closest relatives, who never really cared about their well-being. They had thrones to be conquered and wars to be won, so she and Lysimachus basically raised themselves. Her twin brother was everyone she had. No one had been able to fill the emptiness his death left inside her soul. Until she met Amy.

“Kamilah!” The girl appeared by the laboratory’s door, her eyes were wide in scare. “A-Are you alright? How is…”

She looked at the monitors.

“The doctor just checked on us. He’s not in a good shape, Amy.”

“But…"

Tears started falling from the girl’s eyes. That destroyed Kamilah more than the fact she had been betrayed itself.

"I… uhhh…” Kamilah attempted to find an excuse to make her feel better. “I should have been more cautious with people surrounding me. Of course they’d hear the rumors.”

Her words didn’t comfort Amy at all.

“Hey,” Kamilah reached for her hand. “No matter what happens, I want you to know how much I appreciated these weeks we’ve grown closer. They made me realize I want to…”

Before she could finish, Adrian entered the room followed by the doctor.

“Kamilah, how are you feeling?” Adrian asked.

“I feel no more pain.”

“It’s a good signal. Your body is fighting off the substance, now we must see how the baby will react.”

Time enough had passed for the medication to be effective. The following hours were decisive.

When Kamilah woke up after some sleep, the doctor was ready to conduct more tests. She felt a heaviness in her chest, thinking that her son could not be alive anymore. That she wouldn’t even have the chance of seeing his face and analyze what features he had inherited from her or Amy.

The device was pressed on her belly and that sweet, comforting sound echoed again around the room. Kamilah smiled and Amy broke down in tears again.

“He’s perfectly fine,” the doctor announced. “As if he had never been affected.”

“He’s… He descends from the tree,” Adrian added. “It means…”

“He’s immune to almost everything,” Kamilah completed, “except for the tree itself.”

“Exactly.”

———-

The Proposal - 3 months later, 8 PM

Being 5 months pregnant, it was time for Kamilah to make the official announcement to the press. She could hide it for a little bit longer, if she wanted. For Amy’s frustration, her body shape wouldn’t let her belly show too much. Depending on the clothes she was wearing, no one could notice yet.

Anyways, sooner or later, the story about her pregnancy would leak and she wanted to avoid the stress of dealing with paparazzi. She scheduled an interview with a magazine, right after confirming a dinner with Amy’s parents that night.

They couldn’t tell them the whole truth. But they mentioned a research Adrian was doing, mixing both of their DNAs and how it was accidentally injected on Kamilah. All the part related to Vampires and the Tree Of Eternal Life was omitted.

At first, they were in shock and concerned about Amy, for being so young and unprepared.

“Don’t worry about that, Mrs. Parker,” Kamilah assured. “I can guarantee you Amy is more than prepared to be a mom. She has been taking a very good care of me, I mean… us, in the last few months.”

After that, they both became emotional with the news. It was less tense as Kamilah imagined, they even seemed to like her. Amy’s father was very interested in her company and how she managed to control a global business so easily. Amy’s mother was already making plans for the baby’s room and telling how much she’d love to help with the decoration. Between all that conversation, Kamilah decided it was time to drop the question.

“Mr. and Mrs. Parker,” she cleared her throat. “The reason why I asked Amy to schedule this dinner was not only to announce our pregnancy. There’s another matter I’d like to discuss with you.”

Amy looked at her confused.

“What is it, Kamilah?” Amy’s father asked.

“As much as I appreciate the wonders of the modern world Amy is always introducing me to, I think some formality should be preserved. So, would you both grant me permission to ask your daughter to marry me?”

“Kamilah, you don’t have to…” Amy interrupted, already breaking down in tears. It impressed Kamilah how she became more emotional with motherhood, even if she was the one carrying the baby.

“Of course,” Amy’s father nodded. “My daughter couldn’t have picked a better wife.”

“Yes,” following her daughter’s reaction, Amy’s mother was crying too. “My little girl… she has never looked so happy before. And since she started dating you, she has grown so much. You’ve made her a serious and responsible woman.”

“Mom, the embarrassment, please.”

Kamilah took a small velvet box from the pocket of her suit and opened it, revealing a ring with a huge diamond on it.

“Amy, will you marry me?” She finally asked.

“A million times yes!” Amy embraced her tightly, after Kamilah slipped the ring on her finger.

———-

The Arrival - 7 months later, 7 PM

Like Kamilah herself, her son was very punctual. He decided to make his entrance to this world by the exact date he was supposed to born. And he couldn’t have picked a better time, just when Kamilah had finished an important business meeting.

As her water broke and her contractions started, Amy placed her inside one of the company’s cars and started to drive through the New York traffic like a maniac. If the pain didn’t kill Kamilah first, her fiancée would certainly do. They stopped in front of Raines Corporation and an employee came to help, taking them to the laboratories. A doctor was already waiting.

“It hurts…” Kamilah grimaced. “I’ve been beaten, shot, stabbed, burned… nothing ever hurt like this!”

“Y-You need to stay calm…” Amy suggested, “a-and breathe… j-just like this…”

“Are you telling this to me or yourself?”

“Both. God, I feel I’m going to faint.”

Amy paced nervously around the room, torn between supporting Kamilah and avoid looking too much.

“Okay,” the doctor told Kamilah. “I can almost feel him. I need you to push harder.”

Kamilah had suddenly lost all her strength. She was consumed by pain. All she desired were more and more pain killers. For a second, she wondered if the pregnancy had turned her back to a mortal.

“I-I can’t…” she told between pants. “I can’t do this…”

“Of course you can!” Amy squeezed hard on her hand. “Kamilah, you’ve fought wars, you’ve lead revolutions, you’re the CEO of an empire. You can do anything.”

“Oh Amy, that’s sweet. But none of it has caused THIS much of pain!”

She took a deep breath and continued to push, as harder as she could. Minutes later, the doctor was holding her baby boy in his arms.

He didn’t cry much. Only enough to let them know he was perfectly healthy. The first time Kamilah held that little creature, her entire world changed. She realized she had been wrong, all this time. She hadn’t experienced everything that was to feel. That feeling was something entirely new. The best feeling she ever had in over two thousand years of life.

“He’s perfect,” her thumb gently caressed the baby’s face.

“He…” Amy was sobbing so much could barely speak. “He… is…”

“He’s a perfect mix of you and me.”

Adrian was standing in the corner of the room, in tears too.

“Come here,” Amy called him and the two hugged each other tightly. “Kamilah has brought a champagne bottle in the car. We need to celebrate.”

“Congratulations, you both,” he smiled. “It’s a gorgeous and strong boy.”

“Would you like to hold him?” Kamilah asked. That was the right thing to do. Besides giving her son life, Adrian was also the most supportive uncle in the last few months.

Adrian nodded and took the baby boy in his arms. Kamilah could tell there was a little bit of pain in his smile, from remembering of his son, Charles.

“Such a handsome and tough guy can only have an important name, have you decided yet?” He asked both Kamilah and Amy.

“I’ve always wanted to honor my brother, but that would be quite a complicated name for these times. So, I’m honoring somebody else. Someone that deserves to be honored as much as my brother…”

Amy gave her an approving nod.

“Adrian, this is Malik Charles Sayeed.”

“And Malik,” she took her baby boy back, as Adrian could no longer hold his emotions. “This is your uncle Adrian. I have a strange feeling you’ll get along very well…”

———-

The Boy - 3 years later, 4:30 PM

With Amy by her side, Kamilah toasted to another great contract she managed to close. Since her wife had joined her in the company, Ahmanet Financial was only growing and improving, worldwide.

Amy glanced at her cell phone, with a worried look on her face.

“Kamilah, it’s one of the caretakers,” she told. “Malik isn’t in the educational space.”

“What?!” Kamilah shouted. “You check the building. I’ll go to my office and check the security cameras.”

Kamilah’s heart was thundering inside her chest. Since the incident with Erin, she could trust absolutely no one to look after her son.

Genetically speaking, he was a Vampire, but he only displayed a few signs. Malik would never get sick and everytime he got hurt, the wound would instantly heal. He never showed fangs, red eyes or desire for blood. Yet. Adrian thought it was possible someday. If something triggered the full transition. He also got some Bloodkeeper abilities, even being a male. For her luck, he was only able to access the most recent memories of a Vampire.

Besides that, he was the only heir of one the largest and most successful companies in America. He was an easy target for kidnapping.

She opened her office’s door, ready to lunge directly at her desk. But there was he, together with his personal caretaker. A vampire from Kamilah’s clan, who was forced to leave her family behind when she was Turned. She cared for Malik as her own son.

“Mrs. Sayeed,” Carrie told. “He was very bored after he finished his activities before the rest of the children. He became disruptive and insisted on coming to your office.”

“This little stubborn brat…” Kamilah frowned, still affected by the scare. “You can go, Carrie. I’ll handle him.”

Malik was innocently playing at her desk, dialing false numbers on her phone and trying to mimic her with his sweet three years old voice.

“Ahmanet Finances. Mr. Sayeed speaking.”

Upon that, the frown quickly disappeared from Kamilah’s face.

Her son was kind and loving, never showing any aggressiveness against a single person. Inheriting Amy’s personality, he was very sociable and communicative. And he certainly had Kamilah’s brains, being good with numbers and puzzles since very early.

“Hey,” Kamilah called his attention. “What are you doing here?”

“Mama!” He stopped what he was doing to jump straight into her arms. “I missed you.”

“Oh. I missed you too.”

She took him back to her desk, holding him in her arms. Malik was growing so quickly she could swear it would stop being possible anytime soon.

“I made a drawing,” he told, excited.

“Really? Let me see it.”

Kamilah took the paper in her hands. All she could see were a bunch of scrawls that resembled human shapes. Malik started to point the people he drew.

“That’s me, you and mama Amy. Here’s uncle Adrian, auntie Lily and uncle Jax.”

Something in the corner of the drawing called Kamilah’s attention. Unlike of the rest of that drawing, that figure was easy to distinguish. She felt a shiver going down her spine.

“And here, Malik. What is it?”

“A tree.”

“Have you…” she swallowed hard. “Have you seen this tree before?”

The boy nodded.

“In my dreams.”

“And how does it make you feel? Do you like it? Do it scares you?”

The boy was pensive for a moment before laughing to himself.

“No, mama. It’s just a tree.”

“Okay.”

Keeping the drawing on her desk, she started to think if that should be a sign of concern or not. Also descending from Rheya, Amy had visions about the tree all the time and she never turned evil. So why would her son? Kamilah shrugged, letting go of her thoughts.

“Mama, I wanna play,” Malik looked at her with puppy dog eyes.

“What game would you like to play?” Kamilah asked, already knowing the answer.

“You know.”

Kamilah sighed and took something from her secret drawer. Her brother’s wooden toy.

“Close your eyes,” she ordered. “I’m gonna hide it somewhere in this office. If you find it, you’ll get a prize.”

“Ice cream?” Malik asked, covering his eyes with his tiny hands.

“Yes,” Kamilah rolled her eyes. “Ice cream.”

That kid knew how to trick Kamilah into give him what he wanted just well. She hid the toy behind a plant vase, an easy spot for her son to find.

“Ready?” She asked.

The boy nodded. Before started searching, he discreetly gave a quick touch on his mother’s hand. Closing his eyes, he could see exactly where the wooden toy was placed.

“Found it,” he went to the exact spot Kamilah hid the toy. “I win!”

She rolled her eyes and complained, realizing what he had just done.

“You and Amy are no fun to play with. But okay, you’ve won. Let’s find mama Amy and get your ice cream.”

———-

Notes: I considered doing an epilogue, showing Malik’s full Turning when he’s 18 years old, but let’s end this with a happy ending, right? ;)