#i already have so many problems mentally and physically and it's already so stressful living like how i am

[angeltism]

damn life hates me

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

you know i've been thinking about the consequences of malleus's actions in book 7 and i realized how much he's fucked everyone over including his grandma. bc like other than the fact that he ob'd (which literally has NEGATIVE connotations one of which being is idk ""UNSTABLE"" which isnt necessarily a good look for a crown prince is all im saying) he's literally causing terrorism (??? can you call it that idk how else to call it) which is going to setback his grandma's efforts (and lilia's and baul's, and every supporter of his and his family) in keeping peace in their kingdom and the favor of the humans towards the fae. Like. i feel so bad for grandmother draconia rn i can only imagine the stress and pressure she's under.

Then theres also aside from PHYSCIALLY compromising everyone's healths in sage island (BECAUSE THE MAJORITY ARE HUMANS OR AT LEAST THEY DONT LIVE AS LONG AS THE FAE). He's also fucked everyone mentally twice over!!!! By booting them straight into a world where none of their problems exist. Now that wouldnt sound bad if it weren't for the fact that dreams have to end, and life isnt kind. It rarely ever is, and i can only imagine how distraught i would be if i were to say, hypothetically lost someone a year before and the wound is so fresh and raw and, in my dreams, they never died and everything is okay, then i wake up and realize that it was just that. A dream, they are still gone and i wish i never woke up which would be a LITERAL DEATH SENTENCE. This isnt just an event that takes place in NRC either BUT THE WHOLE ISLAND and that domain is GROWING, GROWING. I can't imagine just how many would be so emotionally ruined after this. Like.....

If Malleus does not suffer the consequences of his actions istg i will be so pissed, at least REMOVE HIM FROM THE PREMISE OR SOMETHING GODDDDDDD this cannot be remedied with a slap on the hand!!!!!

(Note: Sorry for the long rant. I felt the need to get this out of my chest bc i dont mind malleus's archetype actually nor do i actually hate him, bc i enjoy him interacting w other characters a lot (my fave ever vigenette is him giving deuce the equivalent of minecraft diamon for fixing a retrobit gaming toy) BUT GOD DOES HE MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL)

Yeah, I do feel like the scale of Malleus's actions cannot be understated. I know it's kind of a fandom joke that the OB boys are left off with a slap on the wrist + maybe some social ramifications at school, but this is the ONE time in the main story where things are getting super big and the effects could be cripplingly long-lasting.

I don't know if TWST will seriously address the consequences after book 7, but I sure hope they do!! There is a lot of interesting ground to cover (many points which this anon has already brought up) in a follow-up main story arc or the next book.

For example:

Malleus obviously has to regain the trust of his peers and staff. He didn’t really have it before but now has to work twice as hard to make connections since he just took a drastic action that confirmed the rumors some were already spreading about how he’s a monster.

He’s the sole heir to the throne and has just betrayed the trust of the people of Briar Valley. How are they feeling about him now? Do they still trust him to lead them?

How does this impact their relations with other countries (since Malleus himself stresses how he represents Briar Valley)? This is a problem visible on a global scale, and surely this would damage their rep with other nations, particularly the predominantly human ones. It’s setting back what is hundreds of years of trying to fix the broken trust between their races.

Malleus’s UM potentially puts his victims in physical harm; in book 7, Ortho suggests that since everyone is sleeping, their bodies are not getting the food or water they need. As a result, they may physically waste away and then perish. (We have seen that there are sleep blessings that keep people sleeping for hundreds of years without detriment to the blessed though, such as the one cast on Silver—so we cannot be entirely sure if Ortho’s theory is correct or not.)

There is the possibility that Malleus’s dreams may traumatize or retraumatize his victims, particularly those with deep rooted troubles. An example of this is Idia, who had suffered the loss of his brother when he was like… 8 years old??? But then in his dream, Idia is living a happy false reality that Ortho never died. When he finally comes to this realization, he has to relive the trauma of the discovery all over again and breaks down sobbing. We also see in the most recent book 7 update that Vil had to face the evilest aspects of himself and a dark reality; Rook became very emotional upon waking himself. Admittedly, Idia and co. coped with it well enough—this is proof of their character development and the strength of the new friendships they’ve formed. However, all the people on Sage’s Island/Twisted Wonderland may not react so positively or be so accepting of their cruel realities.

Again, just the overall moral dilemma of one person robbing all of Sage’s Island (and soon all of Twisted Wonderland) of their autonomy.

Potential extra work for STYX and whichever countries Malleus’s magic manages to spread to (repairing any physical damage caused by the thorns + mental damage done to those that fell asleep). That’s money, time, and resources that aren’t going toward other everyday endeavors.

How will Malleus himself mentally and emotionally cope with what he has done? Is he going to show remorse and shame? How does he plan on rectifying his actions, if at all?

Will this change how his dorm members + family view him? For example, will Sebek become disillusioned with his liege/realize Malleus is not as perfect as he seems? Will Maleficia blame herself for not being there for Malleus? Will Lilia feel guilty for not teaching Malleus right from wrong? Etc, etc, etc.

I’d honestly love to read all of these! 🤔 It would add a lot to the lore and history of Twisted Wonderland, as well as serve as motivators for Malleus to change, “be better”, and actually earn the respect he’s so used to being handed by default. This would be huge for him, especially seeing as he has not really faced significant backlash or consequences for any other missteps he was responsible for or involved in. (I know I bring this one up a lot, but Endless Halloween Night is one such major example.)

[libraincarnate]

astrology notes: 10 🌈✨🦄🍭

quick note: i'm absolutely not an astrologer. these are just a collection of some observations, thoughts, theories, and personal experiences. with that being said, i'm still learning along the way & i may come back to edit this post to make corrections. above all this is just for fun. lastly, keep in mind that i’m not reading your birth chart and i know nothing about you. these are just some possibilities that may or may not apply to you. enjoy!

🫧 taurus in the 6th house: may prefer to refrain from modern medicine most of the time. for example, they may not like to take pharmaceutical drugs such as ibuprofen or tylenol (pain relieving drugs). if they have a headache they may turn to herbs, essential oils, or they just endure the pain if they can.

🫧 lilith in the 9th house: may experience religious trauma. they may have religious parents who forced them to accept their religious beliefs. if they believe in God they may feel disappointed or hurt by Him. going to church may have been a stressful or unpleasant experience. these experiences may be even more likely if moon is at 1° 13°, 25°, or 22°.

🫧 moon trine neptune: people with this aspect tend to be slow to anger & quite forgiving, usually they’re not the type of people who hold grudges.

🫧 mars square sun (synastry): these two people typically clash. the mars person finds the sun person annoying, could be one of the most annoying people they know. mars person may not like the sun person’s personality and character, and they probably don’t care for a relationship with the sun person.

the sun person may be more open to having a relationship with the mars person but they consider the mars person irritable or a bit mean, someone serious & aggressive, someone to be careful with.

it’s hard for the two to get along.

🫧 pisces: not to be stereotypical, but these people are always looking at someone’s shoes. for some, if you have a bad shoe collection that may be a turn off or give them ick.

🫧 sag in the 7th house: a popular placement. loved by many and probably always receiving gifts & compliments. but they may be flighty in relationships, quick to ghost people, & they also have high standards. if you get them to stick around whether it be in a platonic or romantic relationship, they must really like something about you and your company.

🫧 geminis & leos are often described as energetic and lively but aries too. aries have a lot of physical energy. gemini & aries lowkey remind me of cats when they get the zoomies. aries may direct that energy into sports, dancing, exercising, sex, but they also have tons of mental energy which contributes to their drive and ambition.

🫧 sag, libra, gemini, leo, & 5th house stelliums: the life of the party. people probably come up to them, asking for their name/number, wanting to chat with them, trying to flirt with them, dance with them, or simply be around them. they bring the fun and entertainment. funny, animated, dramatic, friendly, and people gravitate towards them in social settings. the types to encourage more shots or to keep the night going even though it’s already 3am.

🫧 leo/sun dominants: when it comes to their hair, it’s not always thick and voluminous, it can be thin but they have a lot of it and so it appears big.

^ and yes, i know the signs aren’t the same as the planets but the planets do rule the signs and i’ve noticed that you may get some personality and physical traits associated with the sign that your dominant planet rules.

for example, if you have no pisces placements but you’re neptune dominant, you may feel like you have some pisces traits or your feet may attract a lot of attention in your life (compliments, health problems, etc)

🫧 while capricorns may be pessimistic, they aren’t debbie downers in the sense that they won’t vocalize their negative thoughts around others or dampen the mood. they may complain a lot but they’ll keep it to themselves.

🫧 virgo is another natural beauty and they may not want to get tattoos. they may prefer to remain natural with clear skin, so they avoid something so permanent on their body. if they do get tattoos they may be small, neat, and inconspicuous. unless they’re mars, pluto, uranus, or 8th house dominant or they have those planets in their 1st house or something.

🫧 having 2nd & 8th house placements like mercury or mars: these natives are naturally good with financial matters. tend to be well versed in business, finance, math, and just handling money. may be into stocks, crypto, or possibly have their own business. finance and sales may be something that interests them, something they put a lot of energy and productivity towards.

🫧 pay attention to the houses where your dominant planets fall, there’s a lot of focus/energy there and it’ll probably be an important and prominent area of life for you.

🫧 cancer: they naturally make people feel comfortable and welcomed. they probably have good hospitality and take pride in it. cancer is quite private and so they may not feel comfortable opening their house up to just anyone but they would do so well has hosts. they may have a flair for planning home dinners, parties, holiday gatherings, etc. the way they decorate their space & the attention they show their guests creates such a chill and inviting atmosphere.

if you read this until the end i hope you enjoyed it & thank you so much for reading. ♥︎♥︎♥︎, those hearts are for you.

[gothtransandroid]

Contemplating: Clarity in Transhumanism

History has made it clear that the people who aligned themselves with Transhumanist philosophy are also people interested in Eugenics. I personally hate Eugenics because while I relate to the desire to have a body that functions better, i reject the ideal of breeding or augmenting the body before consent is possible. A person should be able to decide how they want to be and who they want to be, on all levels, and in an age where those who are transgendered are fighting to recieve recognition, and gaining it an inch at a time, I believe that those who do not identify with or find comfort in their current body should be free to explore ways to find that comfort.

What does that mean for tranhumanism then? Is it limited to machinery and genetic augmentation? Does it truly mean transcending "humanity" or is more about finding a positive, comfortable place in the world as yourself without changing morals. I cant speak for others who live in the space of those who use the word, and I really hope Im not trying to push conflicting beliefs into a space because it only makes sense to me, but after being diagnosed with mental health problems some years ago and becoming reliant on medication to have control over myself I feel like any small thing to bring me closer to being my ideal self is worth the effort.

I know medication is small in the face of bigger, broader issues of prosthesis and medical devices and hormone therapy but it still trick my body into fuctioning and I am a different person without my lithium. Or at least it feels that way. I think in the modern age of medicine and technology we all already pass bars that the past "thinkers" who argued about humanity and the reality of being physically different being something to fear or hold concern over, but so many people today are themselves again, or even for the first time, because of these aids and processes and procedures.

I'll probably never live to be the ideal self I think of in my mind, free of the stresses tied to being seen as what is seen instead of how I feel. The most myself I feel myself is online, where I can be a mind of thoughts and whats in my pants is a mausoleum, but its just easier for me to not fight the ease of being what is seen in public. I guess some of this is more about my gender than I thought, but I still wanna be the ghost in the machine on weekends and sleek steel skeleton on weekdays. Take that a literally as you want ;3. Seriously though, I don't know if transhumanism in the modern era can positively divorce itself from the past, and I may be changing my username soon because of it. But I still feel how I feel, and I still wanna explore how that feeling meets my writing.

[profeyandere]

𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐃 𝐑. ─── ☾ 𝐒𝐀𝐅𝐄

ʟɪɴᴋꜱ ↪ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ↪ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋʟɪꜱᴛ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ↪ ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ

ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏꜱ ↪ ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 2.2ᴋ ↪ ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴅᴏɴᴀʟᴅ ʀᴇꜱꜱʟᴇʀ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ↪ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ: ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴀꜱᴛ ᴀʙᴜꜱᴇ, ᴘʜʏꜱɪᴄᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ ᴘꜱʏᴄʜᴏʟᴏɢɪᴄᴀʟ ᴀʙᴜꜱᴇ, ᴀɴɢᴜɪꜱʜ, ᴛʀᴀᴜᴍᴀ, ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ

English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistake and if you can help me improve it, I will greatly appreciate it. I hope you enjoy it :D

Each one on one end of the sofa, that's how it had been for the last few months and since you had started this 'extraordinary' relationship where physical contact barely existed between the two of you; just a sad hug in which you showed no feelings, just a sweet goodbye kiss in the morning and occasionally you held hands when you went out to dinner together outside the house. It wasn't his fault either, you couldn't point out and much less accuse him of all the traumas that a previous relationship had caused you; The mere fact of looking at him, at that end of the soft furniture, caused an uncomfortable churn in your stomach, as if your intestines were intertwining and knotting to make you feel worse than you already did. It wasn't your fault either, at least not entirely. Your previous boyfriend had not been an example to follow in terms of how to lead a relationship, not with the constant hitting, yelling and insults that made you feel physically and mentally null by his side, as if you were a simple rag that he could lash out when he felt helpless due to the stressful work he did and the constant tension on his shoulders; You couldn't escape from that prison that you had put yourself in many years ago, at least that's what the people who knew you and had given up on you told you. You couldn't blame those people who left in the end, friends and family who had seen you at your worst, with those bruises on your arms and legs, the cuts that were hidden under your shirts and the traumas that managed to cover your hair.

A sigh escaped your lips as you remembered that last night you were with that man. He wasn't the tallest, nor the strongest, but he could definitely lift you off the ground without problems and throw you down the stairs like he already did on one occasion; You were thankful that the emergency doctors didn't find out about the situation, or at least that's what you thought at first.

"What are you thinking?" The man with you in the living room suddenly asked, causing you to jump slightly in place as you returned to reality, turning your head to see the blonde, gently removing the nail of your thumb from between your teeth, a bad habit that you had taken to relieve stress. ·You know you don't have to tell me, but I would appreciate it if you did."

You grimaced slightly before returning your gaze to the front. You didn't want to ignore him, you wanted to tell him what was going on in your mind, but in the half year in which you had maintained the relationship, it was as if there was still something that was hammering in your head, as if you still thought that at some point that man who hurt you so much would destroy the door and take you back to the hole you never thought you could get out of. Donald, on the other hand, being aware of your evasiveness, decided to remain silent and not force you to give details of your thoughts, sighing softly as he calmed his breathing a little; Maybe he had come home and talked a little louder, maybe he had accidentally pushed you and hadn't realized it, perhaps he had accidentally kicked your foot under the table while you were eating dinner. There were many possibilities, but he didn't know what he had done to make you silent and barely look at him.

"It's no big deal."

Ressler couldn't help but sigh briefly at your response, having been the same as always. He didn't want to force you, he would never do it and you knew it better than anyone, he would give you the space you needed and be patient with you but, as your psychologist told you, he wouldn't wait forever and it would be a matter of time that maybe you could lose him; your therapist didn't tell you in those exact words, but you understood that and you couldn't blame him if one day he just walked out of your life and didn't come back. You had to start communicating more with him, explain your concerns, maybe talk about what the psychologist was telling you, and do some of the trust exercises that suggested you do with him so that your fears would begin to disappear.

"I had thought about taking a couple of vacation days, I still have some accumulated from last year and I don't think Cooper would mind if I took them," he commented suddenly, once again making your attention on him. Through the light of the television, you could see his small smile, barely noticeable, but calm and pleasant, a smile that you loved. "Aram told me about a retreat in the mountains, a secluded place where we could go skiing or skating."

The mention of a retreat in the mountains caught your attention even more and, with attention, you watched as he handed you a brochure that you took. You didn't pay attention to the name of the place, it was what interested you the least, so you quickly opened it and scrolled down to see the cabin offers, and their different outdoor activities, individually or as a couple and in groups; You had never gone so far from the city centre, you didn't allow yourself to go alone either and it's not like you had the opportunity to do it with someone else.

"I like it," you said, looking back at him, being able to see how his smile grew bigger as you expressed your liking for his proposal, but it quickly disappeared when he saw how you didn't seem to show as much enthusiasm as him; He didn't expect you to jump off the couch or run around like a little girl, but at least he hoped he could see you smile. "What's wrong?"

"I know that there is something that bothers you, that has you in a state of anxiety and I still don't know what it is," he responded, being able to see how you made that face again that in a way he liked because he thought you were charming, but it also bothered him, because he knew that there was something that kept you going. "I just want to help you, I want you to trust me, to talk things over,” he indicated, desperate, settling down on the sofa to turn his body towards you, to show that he was willing to talk about it, to listen to you. "Was it because of something I've done?"

That question left you completely speechless. You opened your eyes in surprise. You didn't expect that your lack of communication would make him understand that he could be the problem, that he was the one to blame for you being silent, not saying a single word and staying in your own thoughts instead of paying attention to the program that was playing you liked it so much and what was on television.

“No, no,” you quickly denied, turning your body a little more abruptly to begin that intervention with him. "It's not your fault, Don. Far from it, how can you think that? I mean… Damn it."

Ressler now grimaced seeing you like that, trying to find the right words to express yourself. Your eyes were scanning him quickly and your hands were expressing your frustration, your inner rage at not having been able to tell him everything that you should have told him before.

"Take your time, you don't have to give me the answers right now," he intervened, extending his hand towards you, which you didn't take at first. Before your intense gaze on him, on that part of him, he removed it and positioned it on the sofa, to make you see that you could be calm while you were in his presence, that there was no reason to get upset. "I just want to know how to help you. This situation will not be good for both of us in the future. I want to give you time, I swear, but if there are things I do that bother you, I need to know so I don't make that mistake twice."

Given his sincere words, and his willingness to help you, you couldn't help but feel that churn in your stomach again; You felt selfish for not letting him understand you, for not allowing him to see beyond what you allowed him.

“It's not your fault, you haven't done anything wrong,” you said suddenly, swallowing hard as you tried to collect all the points before speaking. You didn't want to mislead him, much less when you saw the worried expression in the way he looked at you, but you knew that something would always escape and you didn't want Donald to live in the shadow of what your mind made you think. "It is the memory."

"The memory?" He repeated, in the form of a question, making you nod slightly. "What remember?"

“The memory of what I once experienced,” you finally mentioned, lowering your head so he couldn't see you, or maybe it was a way for you to protect yourself from how he might react to your words. "I know I'm fine, here with you, I'm aware and many people tell me so, but something inside me tells me that's not the case. That he will return, maybe not today, but that one day you may not be there, he will knock down the door and take me to that hole from which this time I would not come out alive."

Ressler remained silent, static. He didn't think you could feel that way but, looking at it in perspective, that could be the justification for your absence when he spoke to you or the way you sometimes looked at the doors of some rooms or the apartment itself.

·He left and he's not coming back, now he's a ghost from the past that torments you, but he's not going to come back," the blonde murmured, noticing how your hair managed to cover your face in the right way so that he couldn't see you. "He's in jail, he's never coming back. Do you remember that emergency doctor? Thanks to him he is not here and you are here."

Donald didn't hear you say a single word and, at that moment, he remembered the day they managed to rescue you from the hands of your abuser. It was his eleventh case with Reddington, that criminal he hated so much, but whose help allowed him to catch a murderer who was responsible for harming those men and women who at some point had repeatedly and continuously inflicted harm on a relative of them; whether they were children, husbands, partners or any other type of blood relative or not. The last victim of his actions was your partner at the time, a man who was in a big mess due to his problems at work and a certain diversion of capital, who paid for the frustration and stress of being found with you, hitting you, burning you or just insulting you. On one occasion, your injuries were so serious that you had to go to the emergency room because of the trauma he caused you when he hit you with some blunt object, you don't even remember what he hit you with, he just did it and the next thing you remember is that you were in the hospital.

"No, thanks to you and Lizz, he is no longer here," you said after remembering the outcome of that fateful case. "You managed to save him, but he went to jail for that diversion of capital and for… Well, you know."

"Your handsome agent with a shiny badge came to rescue you, don't forget that part of the story," he pointed out proudly, smiling again and getting a little closer to you, making you laugh softly at his silly idea. "You were radiant the day I met you."

"I was wearing my winter pyjamas and I had a bruise on my eye, I don't know what's so radiant about that," you indicated, rolling your eyes at his attempted play, feeling his hand on yours, which caught your attention. "You're not sweet, don't be sweet."

Without you being able to help it, and with a soft laugh, Donald grabbed your hand and gently pulled you closer to him. You could have pushed him away, you could have pushed him, you could have asked him to leave you alone, or you could have just pushed his hand away from yours, but you couldn't do it, not Donald. That man, the same one you were snuggling with now, was the one who had taken you out of the darkness and shown you that life was much more beautiful than anyone could think. He was the person who had been there, the person who hadn't given up and he was the person you finally felt safe with.

[disdaidal]

I don't think I've ever put this much effort into composing a more 'professional-looking' CV, but here we are.

I'm so glad I got help with this though. I've got my own 'social worker'/personal trainer now. He helped me narrow down some choices today, and what to put in my application/resume, and I'm feeling so much better already.

I'm a typical Finn: I don't know how to fucking compliment myself or 'sell' my talents, so it gave me a lot of stress.

In fact, I was stressing about this meeting all weekend. I had heartburn for two nights, a splitting headache yesterday, and an upset stomach this morning. I kept worrying about how to support myself the next month, too. But I got some advice and tips and consolation today, so when I got back home, I instantly got to work and started filling out some applications etc. etc., so I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (for a while now, at least).

This shouldn't stress me too much, though. We're primarily searching me a place to train (ofc actual employment would be grand) and the focus is on my health (both mental and physical). If one place doesn't work out, I can try another place. I have my own assistant, a nurse, a physiotherapist, a doctor and so on, so I should expect to work with professionals here.

I've been depressed as fuck since the beginning of this year after my last school/training went down the drain. I have attention deficit issues, mood swings, memory problems, problems with arranging and envisioning stuff and so on. I'm prone to stress and I have experienced a burn-out more than once.

I also have hypermobility in my joints and again had serious back/hip pains last week which prevented me from doing many things actually, including going to that group therapy course thing. So, you might guess why this isn't exactly ideal in the current work environment and culture, and why I've had problems employing myself successfully, or for longer periods.

I also temporarily moved to another apartment 14km away from my home because the bathroom renovations started in my apartment last week. The moving was undeniably stressful (one of my stepbros helped me, though <3), but living here for a little over a week now hasn't been so bad. My neighbors aren't noisy, and I got a great view of a small lake from where I sit now, so things could be worse.

The only not-so-great-thing is that I'm going to have to go downstairs and share a shower with one of my neighbors who so happens to be a man, but thankfully I haven't even met him yet, so let's hope nothing awkward will happen there (lol).

But my landlord texted me today to ask me 'how are you doing, is everything alright there in your temporary apartment, and oh they said they should be done with renovations about halfway through next month, no water damage fortunately'

So yeah, that's pretty good news, too.

[korya-elana]

Hey there! Bit of a vent (not at you, though) incoming-- Man. Maybe I'm just salty today, but that anon you got about physical and mental disabilities being Two Totally Separate Things is such a frustrating sentiment to me. No they're not. I mean, sure, for some people, sometimes, there can be a clean separation, for them personally--but categorically? No. We're disabled. Haven't been able to work in years, can't live on our own right now (we're hoping that'll change in the future, but we honestly don't know). Etc. Are we mentally disabled, or physically disabled? Well... *deep breath* We have chronic fatigue. Which is a physical issue, a literal bodily physical limitation. It's from our long COVID. Unless it's from the dissociative disorder--which is a mental issue, except it can also cause chronic fatigue. Also it's actually because of the sensory overload from having ADHD. We have moderate chronic pain and frequent migraines, which is also from the long COVID, and also our past sports injuries. Except it's also from somatic stress/trauma shit, which is (probably??) from neurodivergent burnout and depression, which make it hard to care for our body properly, which causes more physical pain. Which limits us physically. We don't use mobility aids...except the car we can borrow, which kinda counts, since we often have to use it to get to places that a physically-healthy 31 year old could normally walk to. Although we can't always use it, (the car), because sometimes we dissociate too much to be able to drive safely. Because of the dissociative disorder. Or is it because of the long COVID. Or the sleep problems. Which are physical, not mental--except for we didn't used to have them until we had all these active mental health issues. We sleep all the time because we're depressed. Or because of the chronic fatigue. Which is from the trauma, unless it's actually because of the cardiovascular scarring and low baseline blood O2. "well, you just have both physical and mental disabili--" Are you not listening, they're literally inseparable for us. Your brain is not separate from your body, for fucks sake. -S P.S. This isn't saying that it sometimes isn't really useful and necessary to talk about different ways that disability impacts different folks--of course not every disabled person has the same issues or the same experience, and different kinds of accommodations are more or less frequently accepted/implemented in society. And yeah, in plenty of cases, calling a specific issue a "physical disability" vs a "cognitive disability" vs a "mental health disability" can be a useful shorthand! But saying that "physically disabled people go Over Here and use Only These Words, and mentally disabled people go Over There and use Only Those Words" is just...such a breathtaking mischaracterization of the way disability works for many people.

Oh my god oh my god YOU GET IT. hOLy Shit. @The-best-crew is laughing at me for how much I'm losing my mind about this xD

Ok ok. I think a HUGE part of the reason I didn't discover the System earlier than my late 20s is because of exactly what you're talking about. Holy shit ok let us try and get our thoughts in order.

Listen. We had experiences earlier on that we just didn't attribute to anything serious. Someone who recognized me and I didn't recognize them and that's just life, right? Easily explained away in childhood.

But in my late teens/early 20s I was diagnosed by the Cleveland Clinic with dysautonomia. This is a blanket neurological condition that affects so many things you can't even dream about. Part of it is seizures and hallucinations and brain fog, all of which we are affected by.

So when we started hearing people talk and we went up to greet family who wasn't actually there, we attributed it to dysautonomia. Because dysautonomia can cause auditory hallucinations (but so can DID).

45min of lost time and we're on a page I don't recognize? Seizure. Because I already had them. (But maybe a switch?)

Seeing a guy serenade me at work on the violin because he can't speak? Hallucination, obviously. That definitely didn't end up being my co-host.

Can't remember seeing the Grand Canyon? Oh, it's brain fog for sure. Same with my childhood memories. No one really remembers their childhood, right?

Don't get me wrong: These are all signs of DID. But they are also signs of dysautonomia. While I conflated everything to be one thing or another ... sometimes I just don't know. Am I forgetting something because of amnesia barriers or because of brain fog from my neuro condition? Am I hallucinating due to my dissociative disorder or my neuro disorder? Am I losing time because I legitimately had a seizure or because someone switched in?

I just ... I wish people didn't think it was so black and white. Dissociative disorders have a HIGH level of comorbid disorders. I can't thank you enough for this level of solidarity and understanding.

[403tarot]

hello! do you do any readings for Enhypen? if yes, could you do one on their current energies + reason for it? they seem to have a different type of glow these few days (in a good way!) 🫶🏻

ENHYPEN'S ENERGY CHECK - 11.23

* since this is a reading to check energies i focused only on the subjects that the members have been most concerned about at the moment

heeseung:

he is going through a phase of changes and choices. I see that the romantic field is what occupies heeseung's mind the most at the moment; he is in a relationship where the terms are not beneficial to both equally. he might be distant from this person, making things difficult and nostalgic, and feels the need to decide between ending everything or remaining in this situation while waiting for an improvement.

jay:

he has been feeling tired in recent days but is trying to maintain a positive mindset. je feels he has given his best and believes this will bear good fruit in the future, even though he feels somewhat anxious now. in love, i see that he misses having someone in mind, being in love, and having a message to look forward to. he has some options, but there's no one who takes his love life out of boredom nevertheless.

jake:

his mood has fluctuated quite a bit recently. i see he's been concerned about many things at the same time, especially regarding his creativity and his image as an artist; he has been striving to improve to give his best. In the romantic field, jake is in a solid and happy relationship, although individually they might not be in the best moments; the other person becomes a safe haven.

sunghoon:

time for change! sunghoon is already getting into the new year spirit and closing chapters of his past. free, light, and looking for something new, he might be aiming to have some free time to dedicate more to hobbies in the future. in the romantic field, he doesn't want to get involved with anyone in a serious way and is more focused on learning to enjoy his own company.

sunoo:

he's been going through a tough time lately; the routine of everyday life and the pressure he feels on himself has made things exhausting. "i don't know what i can do to improve, and even surrounded by people who love me, i still feel lonely." he's trying to ignore present problems and ease his anxiety by thinking that things will get better in the future, he longs for that. in love, no one stays in his heart for long... he has more to worry about.

jungwon:

in a very passionate phase, love is in the air. i see that he feels this relationship has been giving him everything he needs, especially relief from daily stress and worries coming from the professional field. He feels loved and understood; most of his cards are talking about this, so i won't dwell on it for too long. in short, it's a healthy relationship and he's probably the happiest in the group right now.

niki:

something has been disturbing his peace, affecting all other areas of his life. anxiety about the future, mental fatigue, and pressure from external sources that have turned into internal pressures are making him feel caught in a spiral of problems. he feels hurt and misunderstood and likely has been keeping these feelings to himself. i love, niki doesn't feel confident or ready for a relationship; it's something he's not even considering at the moment...

professional field:

i decided to put the part about the members' professional lives separately because the energies of everyone in relation to this are basically the same. the whole group is very tired, physically and mentally. i didn't know that enhypen has a comeback soon, but i looked it up because the level of anxiety in ALL the members regarding their professional lives is a bit unsettling. overall, they are feeling a lot of pressure to achieve numbers and a high return from this work, and most members are having other parts of their lives affected by it (especially niki, sunoo, and jay). some are trying to stay positive and rely on the sense of teamwork they have, while others just want this time to pass quickly.

* based on tarot.

[little-cereal-draws]

Nimona and mental health headcanons

Obviously Nimona struggles with her mental health. 1000 years of living as a ghost and hearing constant hate about you will do that. I think her shifting responds to how she's feeling and not always in the best ways

I think she'll involuntarily get stuck in her little girl form when she's feeling too overwhelmed. She feels so small and helpless, so her appearance is going to reflect that. It only happens after the buildup of stress and bad feelings finally get the better of her. She tries to not let it get to that point but it doesn't always work. She's shifted after nightmares, one too many monster movies, and when they found quite a few very disturbing documents in the Director's office after the wall came down. The worst time was when they made the mistake of walking by a pro-Institute rally after running some errands. Bal was disgusted and was trying to shoulder his way past them and didn't even notice Nimona was missing. He got a whole block away before he realized she wasn't behind him. He looked around and then started retracing his steps with growing fear, calling her name, and frantically looking for any hiding pink animals. He was growing frantic when he finally glanced down an alley while running past it and caught a glimpse of pink hair. She was crying behind a pile of garbage and flinched when he came up to her. He tried to talk to her but she just shook her head and sobbed harder. She clung so tightly to his shirt as he caried her home. The best thing to do in these situations is to get her away from the problem. From there sometimes she'll want to talk, sometimes she'll want to be left alone, but she'll always feel better eventually. Bal hates when this happens because it means she was already feeling bad before she got tipped over the edge and he didn't know

She'll also turn into small animals when it's more of a sudden onset. Most of the time this is caused by sadness, regret, and guilt. She'll turn into a mouse or a fly or anything else small and unnoticeable. Thankfully, this has only happened in the house so far and Balister fears the day it happens elsewhere. She hides for hours in a small hole or corner, something way too small for Ballister to notice, and feels bad. A few times, she saw him walk by calling for her with increasing worry, but she never moves or makes a sound. She's invisible and she wants to stay that way. She'll come back when she feels better

When she's really angry, she gets infinitely stronger even if she doesn't look like it. This is caused by watching too many bigoted people on the news, frustration at how slowly the kingdom is changing, and Ballister making a few innocent remarks that open the floodgates for a lot of misdirected anger. Her appearance might not change but it's obvious her powers are being used because she's put her cup down on the table too hard and split the table in half, slammed a door so hard it came off its hinges, and crushed the handle to the fridge. If her appearance does change, it can be pretty scary. Her fangs get bigger, sometimes her eyes glow, she'll get physically bigger or have her arm muscles expand. It's easy to tell when she's angry though, she has no problem with letting people know. She'll yell, start arguments, and do and say every offensive thing she can think of. Bal has learned to just give her space to cool off when she gets like this; usually it's only a couple hours but sometimes a few days. He made the mistake of trying to comfort her a few times at the beginning of their relationship but that just made her angrier. He tried to push it down and trust her but there were a few moments where he was scared for his life. He always chides himself and tries to correct his thinking after all she does is scream at him and storm out but she was very intimidating

(tw self harm and suicide) It's canon that Nimona struggles with suicidal thinking but I think she would struggle with self harm too. It's only been very rarely that she'll make the conscious decision to hurt herself and it hasn't happened since the wall came down. What happens now is more of an accident/subconscious thing. She'll be lost in thought, replaying bad memories, completely drowning in thought. Sitting in alone in her room, half gasping for air, absently scratching at her arm. Slowly, as her thoughts get darker and loop into each other, her nails get longer and longer. Soon she's got claws and her arm is burning. She looks down and the bright red blood shocks her out of her thought loop. She shifts it away and it's like nothing happened but she still goes and splashes some cold water on her face and arm. If Ballister ever found out (I'm on the fence abt if he would), he would be so concerned and watching everything she does with an eagle eye. Eventually he would calm down a bit but after every time she does one of the other things in this post, he would be watching her out of the corner of his eye. She might say she's ok now and be able to shift any harm away so he wouldn't know but he's still going to worry

[theninjazebra]

Three points I would like to see discussed in homeschooling conversations more -

1. The economics. Unless someone is making absolute bank, being a single income household is very hard, especially with children. It then can become a game of child's education vs parent's job, even a wfh job (or family business, which is an even bigger bog of money vs education). And this is just day to day costs, not including that if you want a good education without a school you need to $pend on extra curriculars. So $$ vs education.

2. The difficulty of teenagers and how easy it is for education to become a battleground when the very normal process of building an identity outside your parents, but still being young enough that you can't take full responsibility for your education. If a child is of an age where they're ready to start fighting about everything, school is the easiest battleground. Parents already have a HUGE influence on the development of their kid, from big things like values to stupid shit. Increasing the amount of time you have together tilts this dramatically, so when teenagers very normally, very healthily pull away it's even more confusing and stressful. So relationship vs education.

3. The state of the community itself. Everyone wants to believe that they are the exception, they will stay normal, but your life is so fundamentally different to other families that other homeschoolers become your community just because they have this in common. And oh holy shit, the radicalisation in homeschool communities is real and a problem.

It's that human nature drive to be The Most, that tends to pull groups of people to more extreme positions, and it's the nature of the people who choose to pull their kids out of school - you have to be very strong and independent, very intense. And that strength has a down side - prone to contrarianism, stubborn, inflexibility. They're oddballs, but that makes them vulnerable. Everyone needs community, and if you're hanging out with people more extreme than you it's easy to loose sight of where you are.

The starting position of homeschool communities is that schools, especially public schools, Are Bad, Worse Than Anything You Could Do To Your Kid (why they are The Worst depends on the homeschooler, and is kind of besides the point).

This line gets repeated so much, it's taken as just absolute truth. Again, the reasons are mixed, some are ideological, sometimes because of bad experiences (especially parents bad experiences). But anytime there's a problem, other homeschoolers, who become a huge part of the family's support network, will always, always encourage to Keep Homeschooling, Homeschool More, Homeschool Harder (or unschool! a different topic for another day). And anyone outside the community who has concerns is Not Being Supportive.

Having said all of that I met my bestest best friend through homeschooling. There are also some lovely, dedicated, smart, fun people in there.

(I've deliberately stayed away from specific ideology because that is a different conversation, and I think the above is relevant regardless of political leanings.)

There are many reasons to homeschool. There are also as many reasons not to. I think people should have as many options as possible, they know their lives best. But before defending it or pulling your kids from school, or begging your parents to homeschool, please think about the above. It can turn into a vicious circle of everyone's needs not getting met, leading to a bonus 4th thing -

4. Mental/physical health crisis. When you're living an unusual life poor mental health can be normalised or missed. I mean this more in a generalized "we are a bit overwhelmed by life, haven't got out enough, just tired, etc kind of way than a serious issue. These are the conditions that can breed a serious issue. Or a bereavement! Or job loss! Or illness and injury! Or any number of life stuff that can compromise the primary source of education for a homeschooled child. A good homeschool friend will help, but again, the community is a grab bag so they can also enable a lot of shit.

I dunno. I know people want to argue about socialization all day, but I think those discussions often miss some of the finer issues - and if you're being bullied (yo, i did go to school for a bit, and that was a really mixed bag) the kind of socializing you get is fucked anyway. Even as a homeschooled kid I've always thought of it as not better or worse than school, and I stick by that as an adult. But I do wish the money, and the parental relationships, the community as a whole, and definitely the health of parents and children was discussed more.

[zap0ch0s]

Remastered 9 headcanons for the painful experiment AU part 2

hey! here the second part of the headcanons for the "9: Painful Experiment"

and well, disclaimer below

TW: blood, death, murderer, mental diseases (maybe), gore, hardcore topics

please have discretion before reading

Tom (OC):

him :)

his father died because of a misterious sickness called sanguinosis (I explain myself,  it happens when the blood vessels break throughout the body, that’s because they didn’t develop well, causing internal and external hemorrhages, I’ll be fast, first, you get a fever, second, you cough up blood, third, you cough and cry blood, fourth, you get seizures, fifth, you get internal external hemorrhages, and lastly, you die, and no cure has been discovered yet, the only thing that relieves it is fever pills), that's the first traumatic event Tom went through

he had a young sister called Carie

Tom lived in a place of the city of Roanoke (Virginia) near from the beach, so when it was summer vacations, Tom and Carie usually went there to have fun, but one day, her sister was drifted away in the ocean, Tom's mother went very worried to call for some help, but when the ambulance came, it was very late for Carie, cuz she drown in the deepest part of the ocean (well, not so deep, but deep enough), that was the second traumatic event for Tom

after his sister's death, he used to sleep in his sister's bed due to the trauma of seeing her in an emergency stretcher, wet and pale, months later, he just stopped doing that cuz he thought it was time to move on

years later, at his 25's, he met Olivia and fell in love with her, they married and had a baby girl, months passed, and the baby was already 3 years old, after many yeras, Tom was finally in peace, but death knocked his door again to fuck his life once more, one night, a misterious man with a scientinst outfit came into his house and killed his wife and daughter, by the night, when Tom arrived to his house, he could only see their corpses, that third event was the drop that spilled the glass for him to resort to shadow magic to avenge his family

after making a ritual to obtain shadow magic, his skin turned white (literally), his eyes turned red, a weird shadow mask appeared between his eyes and his hands turned black due to the shadows effect

he lives with the grief of losing his family, but he tries to keep the composture

he met the scientist once more when he kidnapped Tom to study him until 9 released him

after the massacre in the laboratory, Tom (just like 9 with Tom) became attached to 9 and started to treat him like he was his own son

Tom sees 9 as a reflection of his daughter

when 9 has mental breakdown of feels very stressed, Tom usually cuddles him and spoils him a little bit, saying comforting things to 9

Tom is 9's paternal figure

9 just craves Tom's affection and Tom doesn't have any problem with that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

6:

In this part, there is a trigger warning of implied abuse, so please, have discretion

he has a lot of visions of the past and present (and maybe future?)when he's sleeping and when he's not, that happens almost often

almost all his visions are about demons and the Witch of Doom

during the demon massacre, he collided 7 while running away, then he met 5 when 7 saved his life and lastly, he met 2, 8 and 1 when 7 was reuniting with them with with a injured 5

he's very fearful and more shy than 5

not very talkative cuz he stammers a lot

when he has visions, he prefers to draw them so he doesn't forget what he saw

unfortunately, 1 saw that and forced 8 to beat him so 6 could learn to control that the bad way

that physical abuse traumatized him a lot that he became untrustful to 8, that from the beginning, 6 wanted to start a friendly relationship with him, and he still wants to but he's too afraid to do that

the only stitchpunks he really trust are 7, 5 and 2

one day, he prefered to lock himself in

once he had a vision about 9 and his next moves, but 9's figure was to fuzzy that he could barely see him, so 6 started to ask himself who was that stitchpunk

3 and 4:

it's funny cuz I don't have anything original with these dudes, just two things:

althought they are canonically non binary, I see them both as boys (don't get mad at me)

they communicate with flashes but they are really communicating in morse code

2:

when he leaved the scientist, he was a chill old man until he met 1, unlike 1, he didn't fell in love with him inmediately, first, he started being friends with 1 until 2 months later, he finally fell in love with 1 despite his moody personality

patient to some point

during the demon massacre, he never got separated from 1's side, of course, until he met the others, he became a little bit... distant

he's very gentle and always wants to help the others

it's very difficult to make him mad, since he doesn't get easely irritated

he didn't know about all the abuses 6 suffered before and after he went to "scout"

he didn't even know 5 was a pyromaniac, but he knew he could sing

he loves 1 with his heart, but he feels that 1 is the distant one (poor little oldman)

8:

he's a sentimental troubled brutus

he's 1 forced bodyguard

he has a good heart deep inside

introvert

rarely has something to say

abused physically and emotionally of 6

he really wanted to be friends with 6, but due to 1's shitty orders, he thinks he now lost that only chance to ask 6 If he want's to be his friend

he's very strong (but not that strong enough like 9 unnatural and abnormal magical strenght)

he hates to be the bully

everytime he ended beating the shit out of 6, he could only lament himself miserably

tries to hide his soft side due to the shame of seeing him acting good

he never doubts on protecting the ones he cares

eats when he's upset

and finally this bitch 1:

he was already a bit stubborn before leaving the scientist

when he met 2, he felt inmediately with him, in his case, this was love at the first talk

he noticed 2 was a very gentle and soft man, something that he hated but loved so much about him

during the demon massacre, he never got separated from 2's side, of course, until 2 met the others and 1 felt very distant from 2

all the bad decisions in the story is due to the stress and trauma that the demon massacre left in him

welp,the reason he forces 8 to beat 6 is beacuse he's afraid that any of his visions cam come true someday

it all went practically "good" until 2 tried to figure out 6's visions

1 considered that the man he loved was betraying him, so that's the reason he send 2 to "scout"

he wants to marry 2, but doesn't know how to propose

deep inside, he's regreting every damage he did to his little family, but he decides to hide that pain

wow, finally, after a lot of days making this crap, finally is finished, hope you enjoy it :3

[gl00mxstar]

TW Vent

Ignore if you don't want to read/can't stand it this stuff

Gonna be honest about it I'm feeling like shit

I got SA'd multiple times in 2021/2022 and few times few weeks/months ago and everyone thought it was a funny joke

my friend is in a really dangerous situation and I can't help her and her baby because I have no place and money to let her live with me and I can't help long distance because she's so attached to her abuser that she won't leave by herself

I lost so many of my cats that I'm scared of keeping the ones I already have or adopting new after all of my current die if I didn't know it first hand how cruel someone can be to an animal I wouldn't believe it (I still don't know who does all of that stuff but if I did then I would be in jail or dead already)

I'm thinking if I should drop out of school even though I've never been getting grades this good (don't want to brag but I'm getting either best or almost best grades there are to get and even tho our school has lowered requirements I'm still proud of myself) and it would suck to leave right now

but the thing is, I don't need school diploma to raise chances of getting a job because I'm not gonna be able to work "real" job because of physical and mental health issues (especially the one I'm listed in school, kids today's lesson - never work in any gastronomy related job it's shitty, if you want to learn how to cook/bake just do it at home it's safer, easier and less stressful)

plus chances of me passing practical and oral exams are so low that they're not really even visible anyway (except theory exam I passed all of the mock exams they're so easy) practical because of time limit and oral if it's the exact same as on mock exams because then almost all of us are screwed, either questions are weirdly formulated or they require you to say way more than asked for, (ex. they ask you to list few things but in reality you have to list them in order, describe them and maybe even say how they function and what they are for) apprenticeship is killing me and it's not worth for the pain and little money I get

I have to live with my "dad" that is really negletful and ignorant towards me and has spending problems (even worse that neither of is employed) it's super tiring and annoying to be the one of the only two people here to be mature and that my relatives always expected me to be a nanny to them - literal fucking adults (all of them are abusive and just pathetic when they tried to insult me but can't even take care themself) even when I was a child (though I still don't feel like actual adult)

I can't just kill myself because no one will be there to take care of my cats and there's just too many people that I know would be devastated if it happened (plus I've made promise to few of them that I'll never do that with few exceptions which hopefully will never happen but I'm trying my best that it won't)

I swear if I didn't have my actual family (cousin and cats) and friends I wouldn't be there anymore

on a good note I have great friends and lately I've met few more people irl and online that I have tons of fun to talk and spend time with love ya guys :)

[fallinghorizontally]

The cause of your anxiety is your mother

Mine is, that's for sure. I've been having panic attacks almost every other day for the past 5 weeks now. They happen because my body randomly shoots out a physical symptoms like fast heart rate, chest discomfort, a feeling of dread, or weird spasms in my neck. It's so hard because I can never know if it's something serious or not. It's hard trying not to completely freak the fuck out in the middle of a symptom and most of the time I will. Sometimes I'm able to get ahold of myself but sometimes even if I do, for a moment, I'm stuck with nothing but dread that will turn into anxiety again and I'll feel another symptom again. It's so hard to be brave and tell myself that I'm fine in the moment when part of my brain tells me its serious and to top it off the fight or flight just makes everything seem so much more dire.

Whenever I have a panic attack and my moms around, I run to her for help and perhaps comfort. I wonder why I do this. It's almost like an instinct. I know she will be of no help so why do I keep running to her. Before shit hit, I would get anxious and it was a direct cause of my environment, I think. I think that if I am constantly under stress and emotional hardship it will manifest itself as anxiety and physical symptoms. Of course, I haven't been normal for a while. I constantly check my pulse and do other shit that "helps" my symptoms or anxiety. But that was manageable. I could live my life peacefully and still do those things even if I knew it was not normal. Ever since I moved back home, my anxiety has increased so much and maybe that's why I'm now in this fucking cycle of panic and anxiety. My mom is is too fucking much. I play many roles in her fucking house. I am an assistant, translator, baby sitter, therapist, accountant, DOCTOR, advisor, and so much more. It is too fucking much and the worst part is that all that shit is expected. I can't even get a sincere fucking thank you. I barely ask for anything, just empathy and it seems like I'm asking for the deed to the world. She's religious and she tells her church friends all of my ailments and according to them my mental illness is because of evil. That my anxiety is caused by problems that go beyond the physical and my mom thinks that I am constantly thinking about my past traumas. I mean sure maybe but it disregards the fact that hypochondria and mental illness in general is very fucking real and I feel like she does not fucking listen. I feel so lost and lonely. To her and her fucking church friends, I am empowered by the devil and if I don't submit to their religion then I'm going to hell. Like why the fuck would you tell that to someone who's already going through so much mental anguish not to mention the fact that I am not even religious. I simply don't believe in the white mans religion which they've been indoctrinated into believing. I don't need my mental problems to be pushed aside and labeled as "evil spirits." I want to ask all those old hags to stop taking their fucking diabetes and dementia treatments and to trust God with their sickness. That little plastic box with Sunday through Saturday labeled on it? Yeah toss those the fuck out, God has your back sister! Just because mental illness is something they can't ever understand, it is treated as something other worldly and it pains me so much because I am simply not heard and threatened with eviction if I don't submit to my moms religion. And I don't do it because I simply don't believe nor do I trust those people. They simply would not understand what I am going through and they would tell me to pray it away. It is such hypocrisy. I wish you could see my mothers medication cabinet as well as the boxes of diabetes injections in the fridge. I just wish someone would listen and actually understand what it is I am going through. Instead, I just get more shit, threats, stress, and terrible advice from people who don't understand this kind of disease.

And it just makes me more anxious.

Oh and I mention their medications because I am currently taking lexapro (just started) and my mom is so against it. She says I'm just gonna be a fucking addict and all fucking stupid and that it's a clutch or whatever. Basically she's against modern medicine when it comes to mental health, something she doesn't understand, hence the hypocrisy.

[lynxalon]

me when i'm tired and hurting and scared and angry and no one is coming to help me and i don't say that to be negative or guilt anyone who might see this vent i say it as a fact because no one is going to help i have to help myself and i don't want to i don't want to help myself i want to lean on someone for once without being taken advantage of and i want to talk about my anger and express it and get it out in a healthy manner and i want to talk about how scared i am how my health terrifies me and i don't really know what's going on and i know my body to the best extent i can i and i have worked endlessly trying to conserve energy so i can do basic tasks like dishes and bathing myself and i have been working so fucking hard to fight the internalized ableism in me that screams that everything shouldn't be this hard and i should just Be Able to do these things and i don't have anything to actually fight these thoughts! because i don't actually know what's wrong and i have tried for the past three years. three fucking years. to make this one appointment. just one. to talk to a different professional and tell them i need help i and living less than half my life and i can't take it most days i can't take this cycle of deteriorating physical health into deteriorating mental health and round and round. i'm exhausted. i can't do the things i enjoy. i work so hard to try to do them occasionally. and i work hard to try and appreciate and enjoy it. and it's just hard.

i just want to vent tonight. i'm stressed. we've been having small bug problems lately. and then there's the waterlogged part of the carpet where we don't know where the water is coming from. and tonight i saw what might have been a roach and. i grew up between my mom and aunts place, and my aunts was beyond covered with bugs. at night it was horrifying and finding a place to sleep sucked ass. so it just. fucking triggered me, and i'm so tired and hurting but i pulled out appliances and things and sprayed down bugs and spots i've seen them in and. so i sat down and i was already overwhelmed and i couldn't find the remote so i could put something on and relax. and i did find it. but i just had to sit and work on breathing and cry a bit. i'm home all the time and i constantly am thinking about this. i'm so stressed about it. OH and it was made sooooo much worse because for the first time i saw one in our room. and. that nearly sent me into a panic attack. we have been so strict with having no food or anything like that in the bedroom. and it didn't do anything. there was still a bug. where there's one, there's so many more. i am. going to try and fucking relax.

[sockeye-run]

tired tired tired tired tired

Requested an extra day off this week because my husband's best friend and his family are visiting from San Antonio. Usually we go see them, since they have more room to spare, but they decided to come out to the country and look at cows and trains I guess lol. It's an important visit though because it's likely the last time we will see them in person for many years; his friend moved up a rank and is being promoted but also moved because of it. This is my husband's ONLY friend, and he's terribly depressed about it. San Antonio was already pretty far for a visit, but he could end up virtually anywhere now. Anyway, Idk how we're going to host them all, we can barely host the kids when they visit. But my husband seems unconcerned. My problem is that I have it ingrained in my behavior to be welcoming and accommodating to guests and I'm going to feel like an asshole because I am physically and mentally exhausted, and our busiest pick up weekend is this weekend so I won't even be around most of their visit. I'm hoping to use the extra day off to clean the house as much as humanly possible and prepare it with some creature comforts for their stay. We just got rid of our couches and have no replacements (there are actual camping chairs in our tiny ass living room rn), and their poor kids have to sleep on cots. The least I can do is provide coffee and snacks lol. I'll have our only car at work all weekend so if they want to adventure out into town to look at racist antique shops (seriously I cannot even express how common it is to find straight up n*zi memorabilia in shops here), they're going to have to squeeze into his friend's small car together. Thank God we at least have AC and WIFI and a community pool lol. It's basically camping here. Hopefully at the very least the weather will turn out nice.

I felt so guilty about asking for an extra day off this week during our busiest time of year, I had a very active stress dream about having to sleep at work but still waking up late lol. Nevermind that I requested time during our slowest part of the week, and while I don't have to run the kitchen as well as support retail because the actual kitchen manager took a week and a half off for her own vacation knowing full well how insanely busy we are right now. At least I don't have a cake order on top of it all? For now. 🤞

I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not but the party order went well. We were, of course, crazy busy on Saturday, hosting a boy scout troop as well as the average nice weather weekend customers and tipsy meadery attendants. The meadery was so busy that there wasn't enough seating for everyone, and despite having planned this party for over two weeks and the fact that oh idk the meadery is on farm property so like everything including the meadery is farm property and they don't get to veto farm activities for their own last minute needs, I got griped at by the meadery manager because she didn't know that there was a party reservation that had nothing to do with her and didn't take away any meadery space but instead took all of the cafe space but she was pissed that her shit wasn't my priority?? Ugh. I really do get it; we're all high stress and stretching ourselves thinner than dick skin to make ends meet and fulfill as much service as possible in these chaotic times, but I don't deserve to be humiliated in front of a customer because you're not handling the stress of your unexpected success very well.

But the party guest loved the cakes, and the lady even hugged me when she saw it lol. Felt very validating plus I've never been hugged by a customer before so that was sweet. I have to sit the kitchen manager and our owner down for a meeting and let them know that I am %100 down for fulfilling custom catering requests for guests, but only when it is actually doable and sustainable and if I can complete it in a sane and logical way. I had to spend a lot of my free time preparing for this order, and I was expecting to run the kitchen as well as support retail during a busy pick up season while balancing this experimental order on my nose like a circus seal. I need two actual full uninterrupted 8 hour shifts, back-to-back, to successfully do something like this. The farm is doing very well in all aspects this year; bee sales, agritourism, social media interest and interaction, etc. But that is sadly the problem. Our owners aren't willing to hire the help we need to provide the experiences we offer, so we're all trying to multiply our bodies and get five things done at once. For less than a livable wage lol. My husband is stressing bc politicians are trying to cut VA funding again, which could lead to us taking a serious financial hit which we may never recover from. So now every chance he gets, he's lecturing me about standing up for my rights as a worker and demanding better pay with better boundaries and I'm just like damn if I even manage to survive this season I doubt I'm going to jeopardize what little income I have and a job I actually care about for my personal rights nawattameen? There's just no winning here for me.

So anyway it's Monday again lol good luck I guess.

[ina-nis]

Well, that was short lived, wasn’t it?

I’m back to feeling constant distress, even without being triggered...

At least I know why, and it’s a terrifying reason... my life have been improving in many aspects, and my overall stress levels are much lower. Of course, that is the ideal environment for AvPD to thrive and drive me insane.

Whenever I was dealing with my other mental illnesses or problems in my life, in some way, they served as distraction from AvPD symptoms. As soon as I started addressing things and tackling issues, AvPD started creeping up from who the fuck knows where.

This time, I managed to control symptoms and triggers for about a month.

That was enough time for my brain to get used to the “novelty” and for the “honeymoon” phase to end. I always do the same things because that’s what I like, as of right now, I’d need to keep on finding new ways to distract myself and that’s too exhausting (doing the things I always do is exhausting enough already).

I know... I know a lot of the “changing” thing has to do with disrupting your routine and literally trying something new every day or something, but that in itself is anxiety-inducing for me! I like to keep a routine, it helps all my other mental illnesses plus the physical ones. I like the safety and familiarity of doing the same things, it keeps me grounded and mentally well. I worry trying to push it just so I can get a little bit more distraction to avoid AvPD will end up badly and I don’t want that, it took me years to get where I am emotionally. It’s not worth changing something that works just to find distractions. When I was “managing” AvPD, I was stressed 24/7, in survival mode and I don’t really want to go back there.

I’m scared because just wanting to get better is not enough, and just trying different treatments isn’t enough either. Now I’m terrified of what will happen in therapy...

I will have to start again and I really hope I’ll not be pushed to the anxiety/social skills side of treatments when that’s all I’ve done until now and it obviously didn’t help treating AvPD - actually made things a lot worse.

I feel like it’s all going downhill and my only source of support and treatment have made it worse.

I’ll keep working hard...