#i actually made a new account just to post this bc shame

[piqtescue]

If your watching "Under The Bridge" or planning to, here's a PSA from someone born & raised in that city. Oh, and Kelly's personal info and location bc she deserves absolutely no peace✨😊

((if you dont know this series, or who im talking about, I swear to god I do not do reveal personal information lightly and take revealing someone else's very seriously- but Kelly is a cold blooded psychopath and I urge you to google what she did))

I couldn't believe it when I heard the worst crime that has ever happened in my city was going to be made into a fucking hulu drama... I used to be so intrigued by true crime renditions, but this has made me rethink it all. The murder of Reena is something that makes us as locals sick to our stomachs, is still a very open wound to our city and her family and every day so many of us are forced to drive over the Craigflower Bridge, the place where she was brutally murdered. She was 14.

I never plan to watch "Under The Bridge" on Hulu as I really don't need it replayed back to me in a miniseries, but just need to give some PSA's here + gonna give you some recent photos of Kelly/Kerry and her location because she doesn't deserve the luxury of people forgetting what she fucking did:

To start, I'm not throwing shade to anyone watching the show- I know this doesn't affect everyone the same. Just want to make sure this bitch's face & the real story is plastered in your mind so you can publicly shame her if you wish, and realize this isn't just a miniseries- this actually happened.

Though the author who wrote the book this was based on was in search for their "humanity"- there is zilch in that sector for Kelly Ellard. None. See, Kelly was a teen when she lead the brutal murder of Reena and you might be pointing "upbringing and trauma/mental health" to blame- but don't even go there for a second. Warren is 100% holding the same sin for what they did but displayed actual guilt and talked to her parents. He knows what he did wrong and will live for it the rest of his life.

Kelly, a privileged psychopath from birth, is a disgusting, soulless slime who deserves nothing but to suffer for the rest of her days. Go read up on her parole hearings and realize in no way is she remorseful and in no way does she deserve to walk free or be a mother. She doesn't deserve to fucking breathe. Though if you read her most recent parole hearing, you will hear her speak of this series being "disrespectful to Reena's family": I want you to know she has finally learned to say what they want her to say after all these years; she doesn't give any fucks about Reena's family, all she cares about is leaving the past behind her but jokes on her- she will never get that luxury because we as residents won't let her.

✨Here's her new name/photos/insta account/location, ect✨

-She goes by Kerry Marie Sim now

✨Photos of what she looks like presently: here, and here and here.

✨Instagram: kehrisima007

Fun fact! In the second link I provided, she uses the hashtag "legally kidnapping our children" in relation to the Ministry of Child and Family Development's (canadian version of DCFS) involvement in her life. That was posted in 2021. Her day parole was then continued in 2022 & 2024, and it's unknown if she still lives with her children, but lets hope to god not.

✨Location:

Going by this article, she might be serving her sentence in the Fraser Valley Institution for Women, or might just have had her parole hearings there. But apart from the prison she's in, she is most definitely doing her day parole in the lower mainland of BC, from the looks of her instagram she hangs around Surrey and Langley.

----------

To end this PSA, if you ever do visit our city and are intrigued by this case as a true crime story enthusiast, I urge you to not come to the Gorge where Reena lost her life at in interest/excitement, but come with the intention of paying your respects and give a thought on just how far teen bullying can go, and how you yourself can advocate for it not to get to that point. Whether it be awareness, talking to your kids about speaking up or advocating for public discussion.

And if Kerry ever sees this: we will never let you have peace. You get no peace for your acts, and we will never. fucking. forget.

[ddlcbrainrot]

What’s the first piece of fanart you ever made? If you do not want to show it, that’s fine. Just a fun little thing :P

so this ask sent me down a rabbit hole bc i distinctly remember the first ddlc fanart i made which was just a drawing of the natsuki chibi. i remember this so well bc i had actually posted it on my amino account on the ddlc community (dont shame 12yo me ok? having an amino account back then was like a canon event)

so anyway, after i searched my entire room to find the actual drawing and ended up with nothing, bc middle school me had a tendency to throw away old drawings i thought were so bad it would bring shame on my bloodline (which is also why i can't find any of the first digital drawings i made, i used to delete them after a month), i decided to search my amino account. problem is i dont remember what 12yo me put as a password and the app doesn't let me reset it for some reason. thats okay, I'll just make a new account, find my old one and boom! problem solved!

after 20 minutes of searching my old account bc there were like a million other accounts with the same name, i found it. and there were no posts for some reason. so, either i needed to re-join the amino ddlc community and maybe then it'd show it to me, or i had deleted it from my account (which is the most likely scenario)

so yeah idk how to find it which sucks. kids, take this as a lesson : never throw away stuff no matter how bad they are bc one day the nostalgia alone will make them sentimental

BUT! to give u an idea of what my art looked like at the time, i found the first drawing i ever did in which i actually sat down with the mindset of : i want to draw something

its not anyone in particular, and honestly it kind of sucks ass, but at the time i really liked it and it made me keep drawing. so hooray for that!! after like a few months of drawing i felt like throwing this one away too, but since it was the first one ever i didnt, and im glad. kinda wish i didnt throw anything away, but what can you do

[tippenfunkaport]

if ur still doing fic requests, can u do how all the SPOP characters react to Elon Musk and the twitter implosion?

I got this ask few days ago and wrote this but didn't post bc I left some characters out but I’m never going to have a better chance to post it than now so, here ya go!

Catra and Glimmer immediately went on the assault, using their verified status to impersonate the Muskrat… were both promptly suspended. Catra a few hours before Glimmer, which won her the bet between them, and she will never, EVER let Glimmer live it down.

Catra does still maintain Melog's Twitter presence (Entrapta buttered the cat as part of an elaborate experiment and Melog went viral) because its platform on unions and worker's rights was too important to squander.

In the spirit of Adventure!, Sea Hawk took advantage of the unregulated verification system to sow chaos by registering as a number of political figures and brands. At last count, he'd managed to tank the value of Amazon stock with what pundits are nicknamed the "wick in a box" stunt and was the direct cause of Old Spice suing Twitter for “damaging the sanctity of the brand and also several nautically theme shooting sets.”

Mermista claimed that the whole thing was, like, too stupid to join in but that was because she was secretly hoping to use her Twitter account to participate in #pitmad this year and finally get a book deal for Dead in the Water, the first in her series of undersea murder mysteries.

Adora immediately made accounts on Mastodon, Cohost, and every other Twitter alternative she could find and is trying to build up a following. She has tweeted the exact same joke on no less than five platforms as of this moment and is frantically researching tips for increasing engagement because social media is a game and she WILL win.

Bow's Twitter account was also suspended for impersonating Musk. Glimmer again. But he never really used it. He's more into making helpful YouTube tutorials. He has a Tumblr account too, but it's mostly filled with embarrassing old posts from his old Pirates of the Caribbean roleplaying days.

Netossa and Spinnerella finally ceded their long standing competition to see who could get the most Twitter followers and decided to concentrate on their popular YouTube channel where they document their ongoing prank war. They are currently competing to see who can stack the most verified checkmarks on their Tumblr account.

Kyle said it was a shame about Twitter going down but he wasn't too worried, since he still had his parasocial fanbase of 50 million fans who watched his gaming streams. Despite his underwhelming face reveal last month, he is still currently part of 3 of the top 10 ships on AO3.

Lonnie also streams and 99% of the comments on her streams are about how she's so underrated and deserves so much more popularity. She and Rogelio also have a big following on their fitness TikTok where they participate in funny trends and bully Kyle.

Entrapta does not need a social network. She IS the social network. She's so deeply tapped in she knows about every trend or breaking news story five minutes before it happens and has personally overthrown at least two governments without leaving her desk chair. She has an account on every major social network, but her close friends know those are just bots working off highly developed AI. If she does feel like actually socializing online, she makes a burner and hops on Reddit to start trouble in the Linux subreddits by recommending ethically dubious hacks for the lulz.

Hordak used to be a bit of a darkweb edgelord with an extensive collection of NFTs, but he's stopped hanging around with that bad crowd. These days, he's proudly not online at all, but always listens very patiently whenever Entrapta tries to explain the latest memes.

Frosta's deep into the Club Penguin fandom on Tumblr and has written 400k words of Jelsa fanfic she would die if anyone in the princess alliance found out about.

Castaspella only uses Facebook, where she shares nothing but wine-mom Minion memes despite the fact that she is not a mom and has never seen any of the Despicable Me movies. The day Farmville went offline, she wept openly.

Micah also only uses Facebook. His wizard roleplay group uses it for meetings. He signs every single one of his status (“Had a lovely with my daughter today! -Micah”) and no one can convince him to stop.

George and Lance share a Facebook account and also sign every post so when the three dads start talking to each other, it's too #cringe #oldfail for anyone else to look at.

Adora banned Swift Wind from the internet because he's too gullible and has fallen for every online scam there is.

Perfuma left Twitter at her therapist's suggestion because it made her too angry. She was incapable of not trying to “patiently” explain to people why they were wrong, no matter how bad faith the argument. She was once ratioed so hard in the comments of RoudUp’s official twitter account that she started a four day flamewar that only ended when Scorpia had to physically stop her from getting into her car and hunting down the other users. These days she just looks at the pretty pictures on Pinterest and takes a deep, calming breath. Though her eye still twitches at the idea that somehow, somewhere someone is probably being wrong on the internet.

Scorpia herself was at first heartbroken when she heard about Twitter’s potential demise until Perfuma showed her that there are also cute animal accounts to follow on Tumblr and Facebook and then she was all good.

Double Trouble has said they will be going down with the ship, keeping their dozen+ different troll and sockpuppet accounts going until the very end because they enjoy the chaos.

Wrong Hordak does not use Twitter but he would love to show you this most amusing meme he found that you definitely already saw four months ago.

[antiendovents]

[ Vent Below ]

TWS: Cultural Appropriation, very very brief gun mention

I'm confessing my sins to you, and I pray this never gets traced back to my actual account. I just have never, EVER been able to share this with anyone. Ever. I don't think you will necessarily be a "safe place" either, but this is a vent/rant space with an anon option. I feel very slightly safe. No one in the system community would accept me if they knew what I did, so I'm like "anon vent mode".

When I was thirteen, I ''''''created'''''' [heavy quotes because it isn't an actual thing] an alter who we will call A, since he'll be a reoccurring part of this all. I did not call him an alter at the time. To be honest with you, mod of this account and I guess anyone who reads this, [my first sin] back when I ''''''created''''' him, I called him a tulpa.

We found out later that the professional who diagnosed us with DID [because, yes, we are a medically recognized system] had done so without bringing it up being a possibility up a second time. I mention second time because the first time she had brought it up, she commented that the specialists she talked to said that they would be hesitant to diagnose me [rightfully so]. She, in hindsight, probably didn't mention any of our trauma to them because of HIPPA. i [alter front] personally believe she diagnosed us around this time.

The second time it was brought up, it was actually an entirely separate alter than the one she told about the hesitance to diagnose. The alter at that time was like "I think we may have to consider DID.. It sounds like what I experience...." and she was like "I already diagnosed you months ago, I talked to 3 other alters".

Talk about a surprise pikachu moment for that alter.

When I first joined the system space, I was a semi-newly discovered system. I had already known about several alters-- A and his creation was what made us be able to communicate with as a system, but all communication was slashed when we had a new host front for three years , which was the host who got us diagnosed. So when we were joining tumblr, we were just establishing good contact again, and when I made my blog I was diagnosed for, like, idk a year before [social media scares us, community spaces scare us, and this is our first time using tumblr again since 2013].

We forgot about the whole term of ''tulpas'' because of amnesia, straight up had a different alter eat those memories to keep the system functioning [in hindsight, its beneficial to know about, but also not]. I had ENTIRELY forgotten the actual term for "tulpas" [in quotes bc its not the actual Buddhist practice]. I just remembered it as "oh i made this dude, he was a ball of light and then suddenly he was having full conversations and chose his own appearance and personality, and why did he choose to be a dickhead [a joke at him /lh]".

Up until making my blog, I didn't engage in plural communities. Not even the tulpa community when I engaged with the content. I was a traumatized kid terrified of everyone, i simply learned how to 'create' a 'tulpa', did it and it worked better than I thought it would, and then fucked off. It was the most traumatic period of our life [when I made A], all I wanted to do was have someone to be with me so I wasn't alone with it all. He very much took on a protector role from the beginning, fronting once for 3 days in a blackout amnesia episode because another alter felt silly [he was an anger holder and was very angry, to sum it up].

Then I joined Tumblr. Because of joining system spaces, I have since re-found the term Tulpa, and ffs?? The absolute guilt and shame we feel is so immense. Not only because I appropriated a cultural practice I have no fucking right to be in, but also because I'm also someone made a mockery of the very disorder I have. It feels like I don't even deserve to be diagnosed.

That's why I don't fit completely into anti-endo spaces, but I don't fit endo spaces either.

We were posting to a small audience of 0 notes in system spaces, which felt safer for us. So we were going ham on our blog, enjoying our time, but we got our first ask.

"You guys seem so nice,,, why are you anti-endo?"

I'm like??? anti-endo?? wtf is that??? what's an endo?? oh foolish, sweet summer child,,, I had not put it in anywhere that I was anti-endo, which makes it so much worse to me. I guess this was probably someone testing the waters or something. So we go look it up, look up endos and we get reintroduced to the culturally appropriated term. And it's like fuck. It was a moment where I realized I had gone against my own morals in a way I was extremely disgusted with. I ended up dipping for a whole month because of it, which caused a system uproar and a shit ton a bad stuff happening while we were also going through new tons of new trauma at that time [thanks to our ex-bestfriend, a silent fuck you to nem. already so stressed, tell that to her, and then it flies over nirs fucking head so she beats a dead horse but ANYWAYS].

While I'm gone, an alter takes my place. I'll call him P. and P? Well,,,, P takes my spot as host [im now one of 4 cohosts, P is not one of them]. P sees tulpa, P sees other spiritual stuff in the endo spaces, and P goes, well, gee,,,, spirits and talking to them exists [a belief we do hold, but i would have to explain eons of shit to explain why we do], I can almost see how it would work. P responds with 'we're not anti-endo' [my second sin].

And then I'm back. It's been a month, things have carried on without me and we are an 'endo neutral' blog with more than two followers, and posts that hit more than 10 notes [which,,, I hate public attention. The thought of more than a few people engaging with the stuff I post is terrifying to the point I might puke if I think too hard about it /gen. 3-10 notes is the ideal. Maybe like 5 followers? i didn't think about that, dont want to].

I relearn about endos, I go 'fuck no??? are you fucking kidding me???' but then I remember A. That? Well, That ruined EVERYTHING for me. Suddenly I'm having to figure out how to manage having people perceiving me in a scale that terrifies me, but I also have a fucking turkeyball mix of followers. Endos, Anti endos, Endo Neutral, Endo Apathetic. All while truly standing as an anti-endo behind those good ol' closed doors. Then I have to look down the barrel of the gun and accept i did something that goes wildly against my own fucking morals. I didn't remember A, I didn't remember Tulpas, and now I wished I had never joined any system space. I wish I had never tried to find community. I don't even know how to right what has been wrong, I don't have anyone to tell me how to fix this.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There is no space for me with anti-endos because of what I have done, and there is no space for me with endos because of my anti-endo beliefs.

When I made my blog I wanted a space to be me, to be us, but now I don't even want to be me. A's presence was needed to keep me alive, I love him, but I can't even be cocon with him or I end up having a breakdown. Whether it be from the guilt of the shitty thing I did that I can't make up for because he's literally forever going to be there, or the fact that because I can't be around him, and considering I'm a host, he's secluded to his own section in the innerworld. Alone. Literally like how we were when we made him. It's wicked fucked up to me, but i guess it probably shouldn't be, considering his 'origins'. What once saved my life has become something I can't even face.

I feel like shit. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation. The one time I tried to step out of my comfort zone and do something that I think will be beneficial for us, it ends up being the worst thing to do. All I wanted was friends like me, only to find out, no... I'm not like them and I probably don't even deserve the diagnosis I have. On top of that, I engaged in harmful behavior, cultural appropriation. Furthermore, the people I could've engaged with would've been people I entirely disagreed with.

I feel like i should self undiagnose, if that makes sense. Like I do not care whatever professionals said I am, I'm just,, IDK a shitty person?? A cultural appropriator?? I've been diagnosed more than once, but I feel like I still shouldn't even claim being a system. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel ashamed. Cultural appropriation has a permanent scratch in my brain, a permanent mark. I feel like this is something I can never fix.

I'm confused on what to do. How do I fix the wrong of being a cultural appropriator in such a vile way? Even if I actually am a system, which I don't even know anymore, what the fuck would I call A? What do I even do about getting over the guilt? My therapist isn't equipped to deal with this, I have no friends, and the only people I talk to are my abusers. I'm to scared to talk to people online, and considering my circumstances, who would I even talk to about any of this? Am I even an anti-endo if I practiced what the endos preach? I'm just,,, ugh, It's been a lot, but thank fuck for the anon ask on a blog amirite?

Sorry to dump all this on you, and feel free to ignore it/not upload. I've just needed to talk about this for a while, and this felt like a safe space for a lil bit.

this is complicated but i'm going to try give the best advice i can here. cultural appropriation is bad yes, but you were a child. you didn't know what else to call A at the time, it seems. you admit you have done wrong and you seem guilty over it and really i think thats all you need to improve. you are a system, you are diagnosed as one, yes you made a mistake but so have many others. ex-pro endos are welcome in this community and always will be. as long as you have learned from your mistake i do not think you are a bad person. as i said, people make mistakes all the time, it doesn't mean they're bad, they just need to learn better, and by the sounds of things you have. i really hope you find your place in this community or even a different community. if you need help leaving pro-endo and pro-tupla communities i would recommend slowly distancing yourself, unfollowing or blocking some accounts that may interact with you and maybe even announcing you're anti endo if you feel safe (this isn't required, but it does help avoiding them). if necessary i would also suggest maybe making a new blog / account if you feel like you can't fix the current one (even a side-blog might work). good luck anon and i while i don't speak for the whole anti endo community i am sure you will at the least be accepted by most of us.

[wigglebox]

Hellllewww my tumblr frens! 

I have some art updates to share with y'all which will be starting next week! I also made this post on Twitter.

The tl’dr already is:

Commissions opening up 

Ko-fi tip link

Art goals

Redbubble overhaul

Okay going more into it:

1) Commissions

Beginning next week I will hopefully have my commissions opened. I didn’t go as much into detail on my Twitter but essentially what’s going to happen is I will set up a Google form people can send in whenever they want. However, I’m only working on 5 people at a time. Therefore, the first batch of 5 will be messaged with their place in the line, and then once I’m done with that the next 5 who submitted the form will be messaged etc etc. 

I’ll be making a longer post with prices and how it’s all gonna work etc. next week — but just wanted to let you know that I will be opening commissions soon! I’m really excited! 

2) Ko-fi tip link

Also beginning next week, you’ll start to see [in smol font] on my art posts on here and in the replies of my Twitter posts a link to a ko-fi account. This isn’t for signing up for exclusive content, but is just a tip jar for like $1. 

I debated for a long while if I wanted to set up a bigget paywall with exclusive content but I decided against it simply bc I just don’t want to do that. I don’t have the resources to provide a lot of incentives but also — our wallets are really strapped right now [I know mine is]. I don’t want y’all, even if anyone was interested, having to choose between me or someone else. 

I also just think it’s more accessible for folks — even it it means I may lose out on more money coming my way. 

[this isn’t me shaming artists and my friends who have exclusive content, I just don’t feel like I can or have the willpower for that right now] 

So, just because I am still trying to really save up for a new, bigger, better iPad for my art, I’m going to just add a tip link. Do not feel like you have to tip me, I’m not gonna shame anyone who doesn’t — it’s just gonna be there in case anyone feels like it. But again, I know how hard money is right now to have. 

3) Art goals

My art goals for the next couple of months include getting bang-art done, opening up commissions, but also continuing with the exploration of pixel art and animation. Animation will be easier once I get a new iPad haha, my current little iPad Air is gasping for a break atm. 

So, expect to see a lot more of that! 

I also will be expanding my personal art a little more so I can build a portfolio website! Idk how many folks actually care about my personal art, but since I’m trying to transition into making art into a living, I need a website with original art on it! 

4) Redbubble overhaul

My Redbubble is kind of a mess at the moment with older designs that may not work as well, designs up before I realized how to really color with CYMK, and not a lot of themes or anything like that. 

So, I’m hoping in the next few weeks to get some designs up for Halloween/Spooky season as well as start to work on Christmas things so they’re available on time and before Christmas unlike last year. 

Redbubble won’t be a high income earner for me since I don’t up my share by much since I still want the price to be affordable, however I want to still put some more current designs up for anyone who may be interested. 

--

So that’s it for now! 

So to recap, no eclusive content subscriptions, just other random ways I’m trying to save up money for a new iPad which includes commissions, a tip jar, and updating my Redbubble.

Obviously I’ll still be posting my doodles sans commissions and Redbubble, so that won’t be going away! 

Thanks for reading! <3 

[brynalyn]

hi bryn! I hope youre having a lovely day and this news doesnt impact that, but glip had a huge tantrum about you on their glip cohost and all you gotta know about it is that it starts with "I didn't read what bryn said". I hope you have a lovely rest of the day!

Oh yeah I saw that loooll. I made some posts about my experience on cohost and also just ranted a bit after seeing that… I’m honestly not interested in reading it since they wouldn’t even read what I wrote, like what the fuck? And, I have some idea of the things they might have to say…. the majority of the time I was in the discord I was already made to feel extremely guilty about my many awful crimes of I guess, social ineptitude?, normal human emotional range? and, my awful crimes of talking to people while in severe emotional distress after my dox, and how I tried to push for Glip to kick my doxxer for my and others safety/ my mental well-being (you can imagine how that made me feel but I’ll go into that more later.). I got basically a guilt/shame complex from the continued barrage of guilt trips both public and private about past social faux pas(mainly coming from pengo but not exclusively). So yeah, I’m sure I have some idea what they’re ranting about.

But fr I really don’t want to give any more of my time to someone who won’t even do the bare minimum like read my actual written experience. If I need to address something else, or anything, I am more than happy to address it! I can take full accountability for anything, or explain how I took accountability and changed in the past. I’m not afraid to own that part of me. But im sure it’s all putting me in this awful light at a point in my life where I was suffering intense emotional distress and it was made worse bc of glips non moderation. Directly after my dox I had some major emotional mental spirals, intense paranoia and delusions, and also strong desire to fawn/gain scceptance. I was a mess. It’s embarrassing, but also, I haven’t acted like that before or after getting doxed and having to share a server with my doxxer while no one else but Glip and pengo (and maybe a coup,e more people?) knew they had doxxed me, so I can truly say it was the result of the situation I was in. And the guilt trips about my mental spiralling did not help it just made me feel like they were just kicking me when I was down. I am still ashamed of that part of my life bc I felt so completely helpless and lost. The situation made me feel alone and literally insane and I was actually getting delusions that there were, like, multiple people stalking me in the server bc of the mental stress of seeing someone I felt scared, terrified of, getting a warm welcome and no one knowing what they did to me it felt fucking awful. So yeah! That’s my story. I’m happy to answer any questions.

[forabeatofadrum]

You know what fuck it actually, answer all the writers asks that you haven’t already answered yet PLUS another #25 if you have already answered it bc you can be proud of multiple scenes HAPPY EL WOOWOO WEDNESDAY

I should've seen this coming. I am putting this under the cut because this got long. Again, I should’ve seen this coming.

I’ve already answered 5, 8, 9, 13, 18 and 25.

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

I MEAN... look at my many, many WIPs. I think the main reason for holding off a fic is because I got stuck, or because I want to prioritise other fics. I’m trying to not take on new projects, but instead focus on older ones (famous last words, probably).

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

Anything written pre-2015, unless I have rewritten them (like This Charming Man or the SBL/Glee crossover). That, except for JTWLYT, even rewritten it’s bad. I don’t mind, You gotta start somewhere, right? Because otherwise I don’t really mind any fics. Like, I wrote a Glee/Animal Crossing fic once and it slaps.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Mostly chronological, but it doesn’t really matter. So yeah I write what I have in my mind. For example with Ljubim te, I of course knew there were going to be 24 chapters since it’s the Advent, so I plotted out a little bit what happens in all chapters and by now each chapter has at least something.

4) favorite character you’ve written

Jack motherfucking Zimmermann, even though I have abandoned my boy and I haven’t written proper Check, Please! fic in all of 2022. I want to finish two Zimbits WIPs this year, though. Maybe the attic vs. roaches debate breaching containment will bring me back to this fandom. Aly, what would you rather have? A person living in your attic, or 1000 roaches living in your attic?

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

Oh I change things without shame. I do point it out in the author’s note, in case someone notices.

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

This is a difficult question. WAIT NOT ALY THIS IS ME AFTER POSTONG THE ASK I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS ONE I WILL DO THAT LARER CAUSE I NEED TO GO TP UNI NOW!!

OKAY ALY I AM BACK (and also hello to others!)

So, this is a difficult question because I have the Fear of Being Perceived by people I know IRL. Not necessarily because I think they will judge me, but this is just something I’ve ever had. This is also why I am not going to karaoke night tonight. As a result I do not tell people I write, but not because I am embarrassed. I have just always kept my online and offline lives separately, you know? And this has only grown over the years. I have, like, one person I know IRL follow my personal blog and I created this blog because I do not want him to see my stuff. It’s literally in the bio of this blog. This is also why my name isn’t on here, although I do not mind when people use it in asks or replies. It’s not foolproof, I am aware, but it’s how it is.

But I am also fucking proud of my work and I an enthusiastic. This is why I love ask games like this or communites on Discord. I put a lot of time and effort into my work so of course I love to blabber about it. The person I mentioned above? Yeah, he knows I write fic. But I made him promise to not go look for it. Now I did meet some people who unabashedly talk about what filth they post on AO3. And I told these people I write fic to. But I am always feeling that hesistant feeling. I told them vaguely about Bakery fic and So Much Better, but I am never going to send them the link so if they want to find it, they can, but I will not be the one giving my AO3 away. (Rip. I never kudo their fics either for this reason, cause my AO3 account will pop up).

Aka it is just kind of weird.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

I CAN NEVER WRITE WITH PEOPLE AROUND. This is why, when I visit my parents’ house for the weekend, I write less. I recently told Jenna (@thnxforknowingme, not Ushkowitz) that I am shook that she can write at work. I cannot relate.

I don’t like silence in general. I always have sound on, but it doesn’t really matter what. I am currently listening to The Last Five Years lockdown version, but I also just put on video essays that I have seen before, or gaming music, or YouTuber content. Only when I have a specific song/playlist for a fic, I tend to actively choose what I put on, like the playlist for River fic was on repeat during the writing. And Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing is my song for “damn Baz, you live like this”/Time After Time. That kind of stuff.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

Uh. Everything. But I am also not too harsh on myself. I was 13. I am 24 now. And my English has improved. Fun fact, I did not know the difference between make out and break up for a very long time.

OH AND I LEARNED HOW TO DO PROPER PARAGRAPH BREAKS

12) your weaknesses as an author

Movements. Setting. That kind of stuff. When two people are in a scene and talk, I love the dialogue but I am constantly like “oh God, what else is going on in this scene?”

I am writing a scene for Ljubim te with Kurt and Sunil in a restaurant and I am constantly like “DON’T FORGET THEY NEED TO EAT!!!”

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?

Not right now. I don’t make playlists for my fics that often, unless I want to integrate the music into the fic (again, see River fic). Or I make a playlist AFTER I am done, like my Myosotis playlist.

15) why did you start writing?

Fanfiction? When I first read Harry Potter when I was around 11, but I used to write stories before that. Shout out to TEENZZONE and my first ever gay character that I made when I was 10 and then I got scared cause oooooh homosexuality scary!!! ooooh taboooo!!!! and erased it and made him marry a lovely woman named Daisy but then years later I was like “fuck it he’s bi then”

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

Oh, uh? The first ever gay now bi character from TEENZZONE I guess. Fuck, was Danny his name, or was Danny the guy who came before Daisy? Look, I was 10. Ik zat in groep 7, of misschien zelfs 6. It’s been 14 years.

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

It doesn’t have to be perfect. I am not a published author. This is all for fun. Besides, I read a lot of fic that maybe aren’t “that good” in the eyes of whoever decides what’s good, but I still enjoy them and that’s what matters in the end. I write for me and me alone and hopefully people like it too and we will all have a banging time.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Not

Jk jk

I often have a little section in my doc with “Information”, like a timeline or people’s names or what is happening when. The one for Ljubim te has the names of my OCs and the street names of where Kurt and Blaine live. I am thinking of also making a timeline, because there are some time jumps between chapters, although I also try to point out what month it is in the chapter itself.

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

Depends on how inspired I am. I write when I have an idea. Sometimes things snowball from there, sometimes it’s to only add one line.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

Define older. As I said, everything before 2015 I pretend I do not see, but after that I actually reread a lot of my stuff. Hence the “I write for me and me alone” mentality. I reread Mendacious this week. And I haven’t read the Anyway series in years and I kind of want to.

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

There are too many to list, but from the top of my head: non-con/dub-con, detailed slavery or kidnapping or something like that, graphic violence, MPREG, fic with one being a minor other an adult.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

GIRL MY MAIN STARTING POINT FOR KLAINE FIC THESE DAYS IS “WHAT PART OF MY LIFE CAN I LIFT FROM??”

Mendacious: a conversation I had with one of my friends about internalised homophobia

River fic: lol (my broken friendship) (it’s almost Real Blaine’s birthday) (ah, then it will have been 4 years since I last saw him)

Ebb & Flow: my love for Splatoon 2

Bakery fic: me being obsessed with a documentary about rich people in Dubai

Ljubim te: I miss Ljubljana

So yeah, sometimes it influences the plot (Mendacious and River fic) and sometimes it is more a starting point for me to build upon, but it’s my liiiiiiiife it’s not or neverrrrrr-

Also, okay, I am writing this Snowbaz fic called Just Some Guy from an outsider POV and that is coming from me very much believing that Baz is not that hot. Simon is just in love with him. Sorry Baz fans.

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Expert? I wouldn’t say that, but I do learn about obscure things like Broadway orchestra subbing. And of course I had that entire chapter about neurobiology in Myosotis sylvatica. But I can’t say I am an expert on things.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

You can get some All the pretty things lore as a treat.

“As if in every lifetime you and I have lived, we’ve chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all of eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I want to do, all I’ve ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you.”

This is how All the pretty things ends. Obviously it is not my writing. This is a direct quote from Glee. I may hate the proposal but they went hard with the speech. But I knew I needed to end the fic with this quote, since it actually inspired the entire premise of the fic. They hop through all these dimensions and in every one of them they find each other to go on to the next. And they grow stronger in the process. I do not know if this fic would be this fic without this quote.

For my own writing, I am really happy with the “emotional climax” of Paradiso 1 and Time After Time, but shhhhh spoilers, you gotta read that for yourself. But a shareable part that I am admittedly obessed with is from The Naked Truth:

We’re acting like a bunch of hormonal teenagers, but I don’t care. We’re high on energy and love. The moment we get to my flat and I close the door behind us, I press him against it and he laughs.

Again, there’s so much laughter.

Is this what love is like? Endless exuberant laughter? I revel in the sound of his joy.

I wrote this because I used “he laughs” or “I laugh” or “we laugh” A LOT in this fic up to the point that it was making me wonder if it’s bad writing, so I just put it in the story. Hooray.

ALY I FUCKING DID IT.

[uncannylaw]

The way I just paused when I saw your (semi) new Hobie fic...No shame to the anon but I was stunned for a second.

Sorry I didn't reply last time we were talking, I got busy and somehow the convo was then just shoved into the back of my head.

AND HELLOOO THE NEW HORROR FRIGHTS?? patiently waiting on a part 2(I'm not patient).

Made a pair of spiderverse/prowlerverse characters to post on this account, so I guess that's coming soon. Im thinking of making a series based off of them, but I’m still not sure about it. I’ve started writing the prologue, I’m only 388 words in but it’s most likely gonna be pretty long. One of my ideas for this series is to challenge myself by drawing one of the scenes from it and putting the image at the end. How've you been?

I was at a pretty neat art festival the other day, but besides that, still nothing much going on for me. I’m planning on going to AWA next weekend with my siblings though, and my dad might be cosplaying Afro samurai 😭🙌🏽!

To be honest I was surprised too, I’ve never actually written food play before so I hope they liked it. Also no harm done with not replying. Life gets busy I get it and I completely understand so no harm no foul.

I honestly haven’t started part 2 yet (I know I know😞) but I’ll try to start it tomorrow. Horror frights was only supposed to last until the end of October but bc I’ve been slacking I think I’m just gonna keep it going until I get tired of it.

Oooooo you should definitely write a series. Make it a little writing challenge for yourself, set some goals and reward yourself whenever you meet said goals. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve drawn something, I might do a little sketching tonight.

I’ve been good!! The only exciting thing I bring to the table is that I went to the state fair. It was pretty fun, rode a lot of rides, ate a lot of junk food, ya know the usual. Other than that brief state of bliss work has been draining as always😒.

That sounds like so much fun! I missed the Comic-Con that was being held in my state like a month back and it crushed me. I wanted to get my little miles funko pop signed by the voice actor😭. But tell your dad to dress up, peer pressure him with your siblings if you have to😂.

[myowndojo]

I opened up Tumblr because I wanted to write down some things I've been feeling and i didn't think i still had access to this account. So i read my previous posts and now I'm trying to reflect on it. It's kind of weird because that person was me and still is me everything I felt in those posts are real and it just feels crazy how i can read it and go back in time. I don't think much has changed, i got a new job i saw i was saying how i can never hold down a job, i still think that's true . The job i have now is good nobody bothers me it's next to my house i get in get out, the pay is shit but i work a lot of overtime to make up for it. I still wish for certain things i still miss her but I've accepted how long it's been and whatever she felt is long gone it's just me and my feelings. I've wasted so much if my life and always thinking about the past i was such a kid back then and i still am to an extent . My cousin recently told me he views me as like a 19 year old and that made me feel weird on one hand okay I'm not being seen as like a 12 year old anymore which is what I've always felt, but on the other it's still not my actual age so it doesn't even matter I'm still some lil kid ppl pity on. And i guess i do that to myself idk . Moving out soon maybe in January I'm excited for that kinda feels like so much of the noise will stop once i have my own spot . It'll get filled with different noises or maybe even the same ones but it'll be a different perspective challenge. I don't feel as suicidal as before but the deep pit I've always felt has never changed if anything it's much heavy or what's the word I'm looking for . Like that pit is more concentrated now, it never got deeper or wider if just feels more full now . Maybe that's progress? Or filling the void idk. I know i need therapy and in hoping once i get settled into my place i can have my own routine of waking up early going to work get out gym therapy, some hobby and go home and repeat till i want to break the cycle . I kind of want to enter my machine phase where I'm just constantly going and only using my place to sleep and repeat . I don't know what I'm feeling today maybe it's being nervous maybe it's me inner me wanting to change and finally getting some type of strength. I've been thinking about onions lately and how i need to eat them since i never do and that in itself i think is a sign in changing cause before that wouldn't even cross my mind. Maybe it's an age thing I'm getting older i just need to do things certain things even if i don't like the texture or taste (like some baby ) were just old i can't be acting like that anymore . I have a slot of shame and things to work on and i don't want to say I'm actively working on it bc I'm not , but i can feel the slow step to it .i wish on everything i was able to marry and have a big family 3 kids maybe 4 a dog and having her at home being so in love with eachother but idk if that's even happiness that still feels like just things i want . I had something real but i could never own up to anything so she has a new life which I'm happy for i still think we'll run into eachother but i can't bear the dread/thought of hearing or seeing from someone that shes getting married and having a family when it should've been us .

[tsunlight]

[yooniesim]

It’s kind of disappointing that you’re not using your platform to call Sim Vault (one of Mack’s closest friends in the community and a creator) out on her blatant racism. For the record, Sim Vault is the creator who “exposed” the doxxing ring. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because she was rejected by the group of creators for being considered untrustworthy. That hurt her ego and she decided to lambast them. She‘s been being dragged on Twitter for her racist comments and has since deleted her Twitter account altogether to avoid the heat:

1. Telling Black simmers that we don’t can’t complain about being called “black simmers” since we call ourselves that — which literally no one ever complained about. This was in response to the leaked screenshots of Sunny/Mack telling a friend that Black simmers need to stop crying victim and get “over it.” SimVault’s dumb ass thought the racism part of that was in calling Black people…Black. I guess she is using the logic that we shouldn’t call ourselves the n-word if we don’t want others too; which again, the fact that she’s equating the two speaks volumes. She referred to us as “you people” and also poked fun at BLM.

2. Told a Black Simmer that SHE was continuing racism by…talking about it. More specifically by calling Mack out. “You want racism to end? Stop talking about it. You’re continuing racism.” Straight out of conservative’s playbook. She lacks the mental bandwidth to have a nuanced conversation about racism so I won’t waste my finger stamina unpacking that bull shit.

3. Made a thinly veiled threat to report a Black simmer’s legal cannabis business by saying “I hope it’s legal” and “Funny…because I can’t find your license to distribute CBD on your state government’s directory.” Which a) is doxxing b) is racially motivated to assume that a black woman would not be licensed c) a clear threat to someone’s livelihood.

There are other examples that others have captured both on Twitter and Tumblr but Sim Vault is a coward. She’s deleting things just as quickly as she posts them. Receipts can be found @artistalchemystic on Tumblr as well as on @SSimflower Twitter (who is the Black woman whose business was threatened by Sim Vault).

SV and Mack are close friends. This now should satiate any doubt that Mack/Sunny/Solar Pirate is indeed a flaming racist. Even her longtime gal pal, Simbelene, has turned on her and is seen liking a ton of Twitter posts dragging both Sunny & Sim Vault. Though your hands ain’t clean either Simbelene: you knew, as a Black woman yourself, exactly who she was and you never called her out. Publicly nor privately and I know that as I was in the private friends’ server. You rubbed her back to make sure she knew she wasn’t racist all so that you could have a stake in the anti-paywall popularity race. Shame on you all.

I've gotten a few asks about this subject so I wanted to put them together.

Side note before I get into it though: the part about it being disappointing I'm not "using my platform" to talk about this is rude. I answer these asks when I can and give my opinions on topics but I am not some simblr paragon of justice as much as Mack isn't and it's not my job to write a callout post on everyone on this site. I didn't even know who this person was until I got these asks about them. I appreciate people coming and telling me things, but I'm not a machine or a news outlet. Try to be kinder.

Anyway, here's the asks I've gotten and all the proof. So more of Mack's friends are blatant racists? Color me surprised. It's all terrible, but the third point is especially sickening. I kept hearing mentions of someone being doxxed but couldn't find any details. To threaten someone's business in the first place is gross, and to actually take the time to find out what state they're supposedly in and look up a directory is so strange and violating. It's no wonder that all these racists used to run with the paywallers bc they all have the same MO. I have no idea how they managed to turn and get a good reputation here. Especially since their turns all seem to be based on hurt egos. SimVault and Mack both weren't good enough for the paywallers, and so they turned against them. It was never about paywalling, never about the community, never about the doxxing and harassment. It's about them. It's sad.

To anyone reading this: please be careful. I hate to say it, but it's hard to trust people here and they will try to use your personal info to hurt or threaten you. When I was younger it was standard to not use your real name, important email, etc online and I would encourage that here as well. Don't tell anyone your detailed location, or even your state if you're from the US. It's incredibly easy to find someone with just a small amount of info these days. Be safe.

[fallout-lou-begas]

i uhhhhhh got elden ring for free. you know. cus i didn't wanna waste £50 on a game i might not have liked. so i haven't experienced the sheer terror of the multiplayer invasions bc i can't play online and honestly i think i would have given up faster if i was constantly getting gooned by some fromsoft nolifer who picks on da little guy. sure it also means no co-op but honestly it's making me rely more on getting better so its win win tbh. also update: the ancestor spirit is so cool....

(cont. from this post) Yeah it's not always that bad but when it's bad it's real bad. For every one invasion I've experienced that's well-balanced, interesting, or otherwise just, y'know, actually a fun encounter whether I survive or not (on either side), I've experienced a half dozen others that are a complete curbstomp to where I can't imagine what's in it for the other party besides sadistic pleasure. It's just griefing, plain and simple: getting off on intentionally ruining the game for other people.

That's not to say invasions are inherently griefing, like I just said, sometimes they're a great when everyone's a good sport. But for example, I created a new low-level character the other night to help out new players in the starting areas (since all my other files have weapons too highly upgraded) and multiple times we would get invaded by the same overpowered individual at the same place. You've got these people with high-powered weapons and spells that deal severe blood loss, frostbite, scarlet rot, and other status effects that low-level players literally do not have the tools to deal with, and they only have them because they've either played through the whole game very carefully to remain in the low-level multiplayer pool despite their progress or have just had a friend give them to them. And these people just camp out in the Weeping Peninsula just to invade low-level players trying to get through Castle Morne, or whatever. It just sucks the moon clean out of the sky, especially when you're playing with someone specific and intentionally using the password system, because ultimately Elden Ring co-op is just extremely fun, and people want to have fun, and getting invaded by someone so much more powerful than yourself ruins that fun, so it's a no-brainer why the seamless co-op mod has been as well-received as it is and why it's stolen so much of the playerbase from vanilla multiplayer.

That being said, I keep going back to vanilla multiplayer, because as I've said in a previous post, the combination of nonverbal communication, character customization, and sense of spontaneity reminds me at its best of fucking around in Team Fortress 2. Much like TF2, it's a machine for memorable moments with people you'll only ever know ephemerally. On my aforementioned low-level helper file (btw his name is Hamburger, because he's a helper), I got summoned to help a very obviously brand new player with Fort Haight, funnily enough because he'd intercepted the summon sign I'd left for my husband. When we got to the top of the fort, decided to gift her my character's Reduvia dagger since I wasn't using it myself, and the host picked it up. She switched to dual wielding it with her own Reduvia immediately and started playing around with the dual-wielding moveset, and I could sense her joy and disbelief innately, and then she repeatedly crouched up and down in one of the universal video game gestures of positive emotion (since it's only teabagging if there's an enemy under you). It was amazingly cute! I probably made their whole day! And that's the kind of thing you won't ever really get in the seamless co-op mod, which is much more structured and restricted by design, but it's a shame that invasions are in such a state to where evenly matched invasions are so rare ("evenly matched" even when accounting for the power difference of a 2v1 or even 3v1 in the host's favor, and the invader retaining all of their flasks and not drawing enemy aggro).

And also yes the ancestor spirit is one of the sickest fights in the whole game. I went into it the first time too underleveled to do a lot of damage but too skilled to get hit by its attacks too much, so it was a very long and drawn-out spectacle, and with that music and the whole presentation of the arena and the fight, it truly felt meaningful.

[creylune]

i’ve liked kpop/actively listened to it since 2011, in fact when i started my original tumblr it was a kpop blog LMFAO. that said it’s been so wild seeing how kpop fandom has changed over the past ten years... i want to say that yes kpop fans were deranged back then too but it felt way less insane than it is now since platforms like twitter and instagram are their primary platforms (instead of wordpress, forums, livejournal, tumblr), so everything is instantaneous/real-time/artists do streaming now?? kpop artists are now super accessible to everyone which is nice because yay! spreading of good music and culture, plus higher chances for fans to actually communicate/be acknowledged by their idols. back in my day we only had cyworld/yfrog and sporadic twitter updates, we had to rip audio from youtube or shady looking album download sites, the western world would label all kpop as gay and girly because the men had “guyliner” and long hair/acted cute.... 

but also 🙃 i think kpop fans now truly do not have brains... an artist can tweet their condolences about another singer dying and fans just kneejerk reply OMG??!??!?!?!@?!@? HUUUUUUUH WHAT WHAT and spam fancams in response bc they literally do not have brains. they’re basically brainwashed cult members lol and it’s only exacerbated by the total commercialization of kpop (STREAM <insert shitty song by subpar group> WE NEED MORE ALBUM SALES) + social media becoming so ingrained in daily life. i will say that people with public kpop twitters/instagrams as their main social media accounts seriously have problems lol. the dedication is admirable and it’s nice that their artists have benefited their lives but seriously... it’s ok to like things a normal amount. or at least restrict it to a private account like the rest of us kpop fans who have shame...... 

there’s a reason i made a completely new kpop sideblog/twitter and don’t talk about it on my main social media, being a kpop fan is cringe and there’s good reason to not want to associate with any kpop likers because of how infuriatingly annoying they are. spamming/stalking/being brainwashed/being willfully ignorant of everything EXCEPT what their idol ate for breakfast that day, obviously no one with a right mind wants to get near that with a ten foot pole. it’s on a different level from admitting you like anime publicly because at least that deals with fictional characters. i hate anime fans too but they don’t comment on every single unrelated youtube video saying STAN MIKU HATSUNE/ARMY HERE 👇👇👇 LIKE MY COMMENT 

(i have a personal grudge against bts likers because i moderate comments on my company’s social media and i swear to god. i want to delete every single bts comment i see)

on a side note/a totally different conversation from this, i really feel bad for kids since they grow up with social media as it is today... it’s really harmful and i could not imagine being a teenager in this day and age. there are so many teens and kids into kpop obsessed with streaming videos/putting things out there online... it’s... just... MAN... 

i’ve had these thoughts swirling in my head for the last couple months ever since i re-entered public kpop fandom on twitter and tumblr. that insane™ kpop twitter post just reminded me. stans on twitter are literally INSANE and it’s terrifying/hilarious to observe but only from a safe distance imo. i followed a couple of stans for the chinese kpop idol i like but their tweets are just... SO.... WEIRD. like everyday, like clockwork, they tweet some variation of “minghao is just so special... <insert stuff like the way he looks at animals is so gentle and loving you can tell how good and wonderful he is>” every single day and it’s JUST... IT’S SO WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE LOL. this is coming from someone who’s covered her wall with minghao and has his photo framed on her desk!!! if he has a scandal or something it’s fine, i can just resell all the stuff i’ve bought and move on. but these people 100% worship/are brainwashed and are not well.... stan culture is not healthy unless you’re able to acknowledge how weird it is/the parasocial nature of it all. which of course young kids/teenagers aren’t gonna be able to discern healthily ok anyways i have too many thoughts about this stuff lol

[tanoraqui]

okay I have to do this today because even I wouldn’t do it after the godforsaken finale airs, and it’s basically my specialty and I did spend like an hour thinking about it last night while washing dishes. Definitely partly inspired by @words-writ-in-starlight​‘s insightful post on everything Supernatural did wrong, and apologies in advance to all the characters for dragging them into anything related to Christian mythology:

Wei Wuxian’s parents die in a house fire when he’s 6(? I refuse to look anything up) months old

Jiangs are a hunter family I guess? That whole disaster of a family dynamic, except WWX dips out at some point to be idk an environmental activist bc at the time, that seems like the larger threat to the whole world. “Mom and Dad went on a hunting trip and they haven’t come back”, “bitch” “jerk”, 2 brothers in a beat-up old car, you know the drill

Jins are also an old hunting family, but more Men of Letters energy - they have a fancy bunker and do research and avoid getting their actual hands dirty. Jiang Yanli ducked out of the active hunting life a few years ago to be happily married to her peacock and settled down with a baby and she’s fine. We’re not going to bother Yanli. She’s safe and happy and doesn’t need to involved in any of this

so, WWX is the demon blood child developing exciting new abilities like telekinesis, mind control, exorcising demons by sheer force of will...etc, and Jiang Cheng is the Righteous Man. Lucifer, Michael, etc.

s1-3 probably proceeds more or less as spn canon...which I more or less remember...by the time they find their parents at the end of s1, Jiang Fengmian is...ugh, we probably shouldn’t kill him offscreen, I mean, we should probably meet him before he dies. I guess. Madam Yu lasts longer because I’m way more interested in her. But we do know that both Jiang parents are totally inclined to fling the boys into a metaphorical or literal escape boat and go hold the line for as long as possible, so...that’s spn energy...

Xue Yang is the one who’s like “fuck yeah, demon powers” and opens the gates of Hell, because I want him to have nice* things

*nice for Xue Yang

from characterization rather than memory, I’m 90% sure that Dean tried to hide his crossroads deal from Sam, but Jiang Cheng does it...better. I think it does come out, though. Right before the hellhounds do.

here’s where it starts to go farther off from spn canon. Jiang Cheng crawls his way out of the grave, gets stalked by a menacing presence that explodes windows for an episode, incidentally can’t find WWX...*Lan Wangji voice* “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition” (a baller line then and a baller line now)...and then the next episode starts with them all awkwardly standing around, and JC is like, “ok well let’s go find my brother then”, and you think there’s going to be an mdzs-riffing JC+LWJ Roadtrip To Find WWX...and they’re immediately attacked by like a dozen demons

in fact, the first time we see WWX in s4 is here, wherein he goes toe to toe with an angel and...holds his own. that’s new and terrifying! also is leading a squad of demons??

because here’s the thing: for the last 3(?) months, there’s been war in hell

because unlike Some People Mooses, upon finding out that his brother’s soul was legally nearly-owned by a crossroads demon, heir-apparent-to-Satan!WWX went, “actually fuck that” and kicked open the door of Hell (metaphorically, not loosing any demons this time) and was like, “who do I have to beat the shit out of to get a specific crossroads contract around here”

this did not work, obv. He didn’t know until it was too late, Lilith had already snapped up the contract, etc. etc.

obviously he also tried to offer himself instead, and got rejected for some reason

Since Jiang Cheng died, however, there’s been a war for control of Hell. Leading one side, Lilith, the Original Babe, who wants to break all 666(?) seals keeping Lucifer bound and in the meantime, break the Righteous Man so Heaven won’t even have Michael’s destined host ready for the Final Battle. Leading the other side, Wei Wuxian, infamous upstart, who wants to rescue the Righteous Man and restore him to life, tear Lilith’s guts out through her nose, and also stop her from doing the Lucifer thing because Wen Qing explained that yes, that’s a Thing, and it’s Bad.

Wen Qing! I’ve decided to combine Bela and Ruby’s roles and let WQ be both the cool badass example of how demon deals can go Bad and the demon deliberately leading our heroes astray for most of s3-4. Wen Qing is a very new demon; she used to be some sort of herbalist/witch but then she sold her soul in a crossroads deal to cure her brother of some lingering illness. 10 years of happiness and then boom, hellhounds. WQ is so obviously competent, though, that they (Lilith, I guess?) immediately offers her a job, with the promise threat that gee, that’s a nice brother you’ve got there, even with his Designated Chronic Health Condition getting all relapse-y. It’d be such a shame if something were to...happen to him...

we find this out at some point in last s3 I guess? some Monster of the Week case involves WN as a witness or something, or possible next victim, and WQ shows up to be A Normal Amount Of Invested In This, while desperately trying to avoid actually interacting with her brother (who thinks she’s dead). YES, the truth comes out; YES there’s a tearful reunion

now in s4, Wen Ning is fine actually, health-wise, bc he maybe made a crossroads deal with Wei Wuxian personally, and Wen Qing may or may not have admitted that she’s supposed to be working for Lilith to get WWX ready to host Lucifer? Or potentially that comes out later, idk. Either way, she’s 100% his top lieutenant in this exciting Hell War they’re waging

[insert whatever the hell (ha) happened plot-wise in s4 of supernatural]

we obviously mix up the relationships, too, bc it’s like, *LWJ internal monologue* I’m too young to remember my brother Lucifer as he was before he Fell, but surely Wei Wuxian is his Heir and Destined Vessel in truth, for he is Charismatic and Charming and Makes Me Feel Things, with his Clearly Feigned Righteous Drive and Compassion for All God’s Creatures and - why does heat keep pooling in the lower abdomen of my vessel when I look at his lips, which I am definitely doing a Normal and Not-Weird Amount - I’m just keeping an eye out for the famed Silver Tongue, and not in any way wondering how it would feel in my own mouth -

it’s actually DEFINITELY plausible for Lucifer to still be released even if our designated Heir Apparent is using his demon powers to his full potential and no one’s lying to each other about their motives. You just need to let Lilith be more scary too, and especially bc by “no one” I mostly mean Wen Qing; the angels are still totally hiding the fact that they, too, want to jumpstart the shit out of this apocalypse.  LWJ decides at the last minute that that’s a bad idea actually, gets himself discorporated to send JC to intercept WWX because he accidentally releases Lucifer, etc. etc. Oh yeah, the boys were def fighting before this, bc JC has actually fairly reasonable concerns about the sort of things WWX is getting up to in his quest to become King of Hell...

SO

...I neither know nor care what happens in s5

it does end with both Lucifer and Michael locked in the cage probably, bc I rather liked that solution. Fuck both of ‘em, basically.

I was toying with the idea that WWX also found Madam Yu in whatever hellish torment she was suffering after making a deal so her idiot son(s) would survive, and she was leading forces for him in the war against Lilith as well. If she came back to life somehow, body and all, it’d probably be compelling if she offered her own body to Michael - bc it’s her lineage! - and we’re all led to believe that she’s, uh, being a bitch and actually wants to risk destroying the world in order to destroy all demons...but then she seizes back control and flings herself/Michael and Lucifer into the Pit, because she’s just That Hardcore?

which means we’d actually have had her around and having characterization for most of s4-5, too, which would be fun

More importantly, it ends with newly crowned King of Hell Wei Wuxian appointing Wen Qing as Queen-Regent and ditching to go on an indefinite honeymoon with his new angel boyfriend (they’re going to fuck for like three weeks straight, then roll up their sleeves and go conquer Heaven in the name of free will), and Jiang Cheng gets to live out his hitherto-unknown-to-himself life’s ambition to be the sugar baby of the Queen of Hell. It’s very Hades/Persephone, except he goes back down to the underworld at least once a month. He gets his own demon squad whom he trains up in all the hunting techniques and it’s gr9. Wen Qing is reforming the crossroads deal process to make it more fair to the humans.

the end

Addenda:

it should go without saying but Jiang Yanli is definitely a recurring character, like, at least once a season there’s a filler episode where they go to Jiang Yanli’s for dinner and have to get along as a family, and also do the much easier job of defeating some sort of terrible demon that gets loose in the bunker and turns the evening into a horror movie. She’s their main research/emotional check-in person, a la Bobby, more often appearing in later seasons when there’s, uhhh, more to emotionally check in about.

Jin Zixuan is actually a perfectly competent hunter; he’s just a priss and we don’t Like him

we like Mianmian, though. Oh, I guess the official Hunter’s Guild or w/e tries to declare WWX a public enemy on account of the whole “King of Hell” thing and she’s like “actually what if you’re morons and assholes?” and joins hte team in s4 or 5? Yeah.

idk how the 3zun disaster happens in this ‘verse but I do encourage it to be happening in slow motion as a recurring subplot for several seasons. NMJ is a hunter, LXC is obv an angel, and JGY is...I wanna say one of the more human monsters, like a vampire? Or, you know, something that could be born from JGS sleeping with someone/something he shouldn’t have

[touchmycoat]

qijiu bingqiu (bingliushen??) fix-it fic planning blabber

so i think i gotta keep it tight on SJ’s POV. Right before his death, he makes a deal with Xin Mo (who’s kind of a lone operator bc LBH too has to fight its power) to create this alternate timeline in exchange for his cultivation. Xin Mo can open up new dimensions no problem, and with SJ’s cultivation, it even manages to rewind the timeline. That’s not enough though—Xin Mo’s goal is only consumption, so it takes the deal but reveals there’s nothing that will actually change. The price SJ paid only opened the door.

But that’s fine, ‘cause SJ saw it coming. He also strikes another deal, this time with Death itself? Some sort of large cosmic force. The only thing he wants changed is Qi-ge’s death, and in exchange...the universe takes him. SJ will not get to exist in that second universe. SJ takes the deal.

And that’s the start of canon. SJ-as-SQQ can no longer exist. Instead, SY-as-SQQ is brought in. In order to stay cohered though, YQY’s memories and personality get a little glitched—he is physically incapable of recognizing all the ways SQQ is now not SJ. That’s why, despite SY-as-SQQ clearly being OOC, YQY never seems to see it.

Canon happens, now we’re in the post-canon world where bingqiu are married and settling down, but SQQ still kicks it with his buddies LQG and YQY every now and then. YQY still firmly believes SQQ is SJ, to SY’s increasing consternation. Is it just delusions and wishful thinking? The more YQY treats him as SJ though, the worse SY feels—he shouldn’t be stealing all this affection that doesn’t belong to him.

It all comes to head when SQQ overhears public opinion on YQY, how he’s perfect in everything but his crazy devotion to SQQ. SY thinks enough is enough. He can’t bring SJ back but he sure can tell YQY that his Xiao Jiu is dead, right? The System warns him he’ll be punished but that’s fine, it’s just not fair, SQQ can take another little mental horror trip down to BinggeLand if it means YQY can have some closure.

Except that’s not what happens. He gets YQY in private and says, “no, you don’t understand, Shen Jiu is dead.” He sees the recognition in YQY’s eyes, but he also sees the moment that recognition gets wiped. The sad smile that had fallen off of YQY’s face returns, eerily happy, as YQY says, “my apologies, Qingqiu-shidi, I must have spaced out just now, what did you say?”

Right before the System kicks him into another punishment phase, SY tries again: “Shen Jiu is dead!” He sees the recognition disappear once again from YQY’s eyes.

Inside the punishment world, Bingge has him again. “I’ve been searching for an answer to why the sniveling pathetic version of me gets you as his Shizun, and I think I figured it out.” For a moment, SY’s horrified by the possibility that Bingge has figured out his transmigrator status—if his punishment figures it out, would he be trapped inside the punishment forever? But instead, Bingge says, “Liu Qingge is still alive, meaning Shizun didn’t kill him in the spirit caves. Did his survival render such a dramatic change?” SQQ”s like “yup, yup that’s definitely it. We’re such good friends, he really changed my outlook on life, so I treated you better, mhm.”

“Shizun’s very clever then to save his own life this way. Xin Mo’s already told me about your little bargain.”

That’s how SY learns that SJ had made a deal. Holy shit, he’d thought it was just random phenomenon this whole time, but the original goods had made it all possible? He didn’t know whether to thank SJ or curse him.

But that can’t be the whole story—Xin Mo opened up a timeline, that doesn’t explain why SY is here. Bingge doesn’t know this part, but it sure feels like SJ made a second deal, paying with his life.

What would motivate the original goods to do all this? Sacrifice his hard-won cultivation and his entire existence in this last-ditch effort?

The memory of YQY’s glitching came to mind.

Holy shit. SY owns the two of them more than he’d ever thought.

After the punishment, SY goes back home. He’s with Binghe, and LBH can tell there’s something troubling him.

“Binghe, there’s something this husband wants to do, and I need your help to do it.”

“Shizun, anything.”

“...But there’s a risk it might hurt you. There’s a risk it might ruin everything. It might be straight-forward, but it also might not be. It’s safer for all of us—but especially you, Binghe—if I just let things be.”

“But it’s not something that Shizun can just let be, is it? Otherwise Shizun wouldn’t have said anything. Binghe is honored to help. Anything to ease Shizun’s mind.”

“...I promised I wouldn’t let you come to harm again, and I meant that. Whatever happens, remember that I am your husband, this is my call, and you must do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, okay? Swear to me, Binghe.”

SQQ begins figuring out how to use Xin Mo to go fetch SJ from the other timeline. He figures that if Bingge could exist in this dimension without destroying the space-time continuum, the same ought to be true for SJ. Only trouble is, he can only go get SJ after SJ’s made the deals, because otherwise it’s a paradox, and he wouldn’t exist.

So SQQ brings home limbless, post-torture!SJ. That’s where the fic starts.

By all accounts, the deals are squared: SJ no longer has cultivation and SJ died in SY’s dimension, so SY successfully exists. SJ and SY can exist in the same space totally fine, and SJ begins healing.

(Currently, the fic is completely from SJ’s POV, and very much about coming to terms with being saved and what the hell is going on in this better world.)

The trouble is, SY doesn’t know what’s going to happen when SJ meets YQY again. SJ very thoroughly declines the offer to go see YQY because part of SJ still believes this whole thing is a trick, and if he goes to see YQY he’ll ruin his end of the bargain and YQY will die again. For SY’s part, he’s afraid of SJ going to see YQY too for similar but opposite reasons—if SJ going to see YQY ruins SJ’s end of the bargain, then wouldn’t that mean SY can no longer exist? Would SY just disappear from this universe?

So we get ragtag group therapy fun times. SJ thinks this is probably all an illusion Xin Mo is tricking him with, so treats everything with scorn but also existential apathy. This actually works to his benefit because he’s not clinging to things as hard, and it’s easier for him to admit, for example, that he was definitely in the wrong for abusing LBH, and yeah he was being a spiteful bitch when he did not need to be.

SY tries to keep LBH away from SJ mostly, because c’mon, he’s not about to make his darling husband face his childhood abuser. He does explain the situation to LBH though, in the same terms that Bingge had (mis)understood it lmfao—that the act of saving LQG’s life had prompted an entire 180 on his personality so he came out of the spirit caves a better man. LBH’s jealous as fuck of course, but damn if that doesn’t explain some things. Given the opportunity to see his old and new Shizun side-by-side, LBH takes it, and really gets a moment to see how horribly he’s been treated by SQQ.

So it actually prompts some therapy between SY and LBH too. LBH used to figure that getting pushed into the Abyss was squared by SQQ sacrificing himself to save him. But ofc it turned out SQQ came back and kept on, in his perspective, trying to get away from him. Trying to leave him behind. SQQ’s tried to treat his abandonment issues by going “okay sorry about that I’ll never leave you behind again” but he’s never really explained it.

SJ’s presence gives Binghe the ability to ask the question again and gives SY an answer: shame and cowardice. They’re able to put SJ’s mistreatment of Binghe right in front of them and SY-as-SQQ gets to explain how much it hurt to look back on that bit of their past, but also how much he feared LBH's retaliation. LBH is a little hurt, but also he remembers how he’d raped SQQ under Xin Mo’s control and, looking at what’s left of SJ now, he sees his own darkest possibilities. He really did destroy the man he loves now in another timeline. That helps him contextualize SY’s fears and why SY chose to push him off the cliff.

LQG crashlands into the middle of this whole party as is his wont. He gets a little fix-it too maybe. SY very staunchly repeats the reason for his personality swap—saving LQG in that cave made him a Better Person™. Meeting the original goods again, LQG is forced to believe it. Or like, it doesn’t really matter to him either way, but now he really does see pre-cave SQQ and post-cave SQQ as two completely different people.

SJ though, has to swallow this really weird pill. He remembers trying to save LQG inside the cave but failing, and then getting blamed for LQG’s death. If he’d succeeded, he and LQG would’ve become...this close?? A life debt between them would’ve changed his outlook on life so much???

Well whatever. Now that he’s put down all his old posturing, he more readily gives his reasons for why LQG gets on his nerves so much: the insufferable confidence (arrogant prick), the skills to back it up (privileged bastard), and a flawless cultivator family with all the money and the training and the pedigree. (Meanwhile SY’s like “oh shit that’s me too hahahahah awkward, good thing he still thinks i’m him so he doesn’t just murder me immediately.)

LQG’s a little weirded out too. SY-as-SQQ is his favorite person in the world, so it’s hard to get angry at SJ-as-SQQ since they’re “the same person.” He’s more willing to talk all this out with SJ and brings up all their old beef on his side too: high-handed snootiness coupled with underhanded dick moves, also the whole sleeping-with-prostitutes thing hurting Cang Qiong’s reputation. Ofc they’re snapping at each other this whole time. “There’s no reason for you to do all that!”

SY intervenes if needed. “Actually there is.” Considering the fact that SJ gets indicted for so many things that actually turn out to be not his fault, SY figures he’ll just get it out there. “Remember Qiu Haitang’s accusations against me? I grew up a slave in that household. I grew up believing it was kill or be killed—it doesn’t make sabotaging others right, but...that’s why the Spirit Caves made such an impression on me. I learned it wasn’t just kill or be killed, I can also save people. It opened my eyes to everything I already had, and everything I should be grateful for.”

This is for both LQG and SJ. And it works, to some degree. SJ knows he managed to claw to the top of privilege, but he still felt horribly insecure there. That’s because, he realizes, he never got the thing that would actually grant him security. It's not power or money or reputation—it’s Qi-ge. Holy hell he misses Qi-ge. In anger and betrayal, he’d pushed YQY continuously out of his life, but when faced with certain death the only regret he actually had was bringing Qi-ge down with him. YQY was meant to have survived, and in this world, he did.

So now, after all that, SJ really, really wants to go see his Qi-ge. It’s nice to have survived (and gotten part of his power back—at the very beginning, SY gives one of SQQ’s eyes to SJ as a bit of his golden core in order to save SJ’s life), but it’s so damn hard to live on in this world knowing YQY is only so far away, still very deeply attached to Xiao Jiu.

They try to Cyrano it at first. SY-as-SQQ goes to YQY with SJ’s voice in his ear, telling SY how to treat YQY as him. YQY is so fucking touched and hopeful, and SY is damn uncomfortable. He goes running back to SJ and says it’s not going to work—it’s not going to work because he’s no longer Qi-ge’s Xiao Jiu. He’s Luo Binghe’s husband, okay? He can’t go back to YQY as SJ.

SJ’s fucking furious at first (what kind of shitty variation of himself saves LQG’s life and then falls out of love with Qi-ge???? bitch?????) but what can he do? LQG tells them YQY’s on his way here and SJ hides for now. They still don’t know what will happen if SJ meets YQY, so SY continues to front as SJ for now.

But during this conversation, something changes. Maybe YQY says something, but SJ realizes he’s actually a little willing to take this chance. If Qi-ge does disappear—easy, he’d just kill himself right after. He’d already experienced Qi-ge’s death twice before, and at least this time, he can follow, knowing he’s at least reconciled with Qi-ge through SY.

And if he disappears on his own, then at least he knows there’s a world in which Qi-ge does not die horribly. That’s enough for him.

That, however, leaves the very last possibility—that SY will disappear. At this point both LQG and LBH have figured this out, and are very, very reluctant to let this be the scenario. They don’t see it as two people, they see it as their version of SQQ vs. YQY’s version of SQQ.

So there’s a little tension, but in the end, SY gets the final choice. As soon as he learns SJ is willing to go see YQY, he chooses that path. He simply owes qijiu too much to deny them the possibility of reconciliation. So despite knowing he might disappear from Binghe and LQG’s life, he makes it happen.

(They should get a very painful goodbye scene.)

SY goes out to explain things. “Zhangmen-shixiong may have noticed my change since my qi deviation and the spirit caves.” “I’m happy Xiao Jiu has a brighter outlook on life.” “Yes, but I think Qi-ge, of all people, might actually prefer how I was before, right?” “If Xiao Jiu’s happy, I’m happy.” “Yes, but Shen Jiu wants you. Is that alright?” “—of course. I want Xiao Jiu too—”

SJ comes out. Everyone holds their breath.

Scene cut.

It’s said that Cang Qiong’s Sect Leader Yue Qingyuan disappeared suddenly one afternoon...

But jk, YQY just ran away with SJ, they’re recuperating in the mountains and everybody’s fine and it’s a happy ending.

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is emilymiddin@hotmail.com or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is emilymiddin@icloud.com i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3