#i actually love that i’m getting to share this experience with you all🤍🤍

[mylovesstuffs]

OT13 reaction to the idea of a threesome with another member

Request: hey!! can you possibly do !husband!svt reacting to having a threesome with another member?? kinda like if they even would consider it, or who they would choose out of all the others. thank you so much already!! + yes hubby!svt x wifey!reader x another member is what i meant!! sorry for being unclear about that!!🤍

A/N: Some of these choices might make it seem like I’m shipping, lol, but anyway—I hope this is what you wanted! I scheduled this without saving it to my drafts for a recheck, so don’t mind any mistakes I might’ve made. Tumblr doesn’t save changes, but I have way too many pending requests, and it’s getting overwhelming. I couldn’t complete the other requests because of this Tumblr issue, but today, I had an epiphany: I can just post directly instead—at least until Tumblr gets back to me. So please ignore any typos, formatting errors, etc., etc.

This is my personal opinion and perspective. It may not accurately reflect their real-life personalities or behaviors.

Would Definitely Consider It (Under the Right Circumstances):

Jun – He’s the wildcard. He has a flirtatious and experimental streak, so he wouldn’t mind trying it if you initiated the idea. Minghao will be his choice (bahahah).

Hoshi – He’s adventurous, playful and very open-minded. He’d probably be the one to bring it up first just to see your reaction. He loves excitement and if it’s something you’re curious about, he’d be down. Woozi would be his first choice. He’d love to see his usually composed bestie in a wilder setting lol.

Mingyu – He’s open-minded and likes pushing boundaries in relationships. He’d probably joke about it first but if you were genuinely interested, he’d consider it. I think his choice would be Wonwoo or Jeonghan. They already have that chem, and they are someone Mingyu trusts completely.

Minghao – He’s open to new experiences but only if it’s something you really wanted. He’s emotionally mature enough to separate pleasure from deeper love. Jun will definitely be his choice (yes they're each other's choice). They have a natural bond and he’d feel most comfortable with him in such an intimate situation.

Would Maybe Consider It (But It’s Complicated):

Dokyeom – He’d turn beet red at the suggestion but wouldn’t be completely opposed. But the real problem is he’d get too emotionally attached and overthink things. In my opinion, I think his choice would be Mingyu. It’d feel like a fun, spontaneous thingy with someone he already vibes with.

Vernon – He’d be very nonchalant about it and respond with, “I mean…if you want to.” But deep down, he might not actually care enough to make it happen. Dino would definitely be his choice for a threesome. He’d pick someone who’s also laid-back, so nothing feels awkward.

Dino – He’d need a lot of convincing. He might go for it if it was positioned as a ‘fun experiment,’ but afterward, he’d probably get shy or maybe overthink. His choice will probably be Hoshi. There’s already a strong bond, and it would feel more like a game than anything super serious.

Absolutely Not (Too Loyal, Too Possessive, or Just Not Into It):

Seungcheol – This man is territorial. You are his, end of discussion. Suggesting it might even make him a little jealous and possessive.

Jeonghan – He loves to tease about things like this but would never actually go through with it. Deep down, he’s high-key possessive and wouldn’t want to share you.

Joshua – He’s too traditional and reserved. He doesn’t want to take even a 0.001% risk of anything that could potentially affect the relationship.

Wonwoo – Not necessarily out of jealousy, but he sees sex as something really personal and wouldn’t want you or him to share that level of intimacy with anyone other than each other.

Woozi – He’d be so so uncomfortable with the idea. He’s private and values intimacy in a one-on-one setting.

Seungkwan – Absolutely not. He would take the idea as a personal attack, wondering why he alone isn’t enough for you.

[lilacevans]

ten days old; they’re trying to open their eyes. i’m heading to mums one day this weekend to take cute photos of them all & get some good ones of peach! the black ones might actually be fable colours, more of their colours are staring to appear which means we have some rare coloured pups!!

i have all the puppy paper work printed. still got copies of all the health certificates to do. i’ve also got to get bowls and stuff for the puppy go home bags, my mama bought the puppies a bunch of toys! i’ve also got to finish writing & researching for the “new puppy guide” i’m writing to go with the paperwork along with the cockapoo guide i wrote!🤍

🌷 peach the puppy’s wish list 🌷

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

hi!! I’m very aware that this was requested on the 13th of August, and literally over a month later I’ve finally managed to write it up. I feel unbelievably guilty for not getting it done sooner and I’m sorry it even took this long. I really really hope you enjoy it and I’m ever grateful for the patience 🤍🤍

title: there’s always another mystery

pairing: jameson hawthorne x reader

synopsis: avery kylie grambs is spending a little too much time with your boyfriend than you’d like… but when jameson starts lying about it questions are raised and tension rises until it all bubbles over

warnings: mild swearing, violence, assault

a/n: the synopsis sounds really cringy so forgive me, this fic is kind of long and very dialogue heavy and ermmm… I hope you enjoy the ending ;)

tag list: @bewitchingkisses @whatsamongus @wish-i-were-heather @inmyheaddd @never-enough-novels @sweetlikeanangel @midiosaamor @sweetreveriee @emelia07 @f4iry-bell @zaraaaabear @thoughtdaughter3 @benny1989fredd @elysianwayy77 @maybxlle @sheisntyou @anintellectualintellectual @aleatorio1234 @adalia-jaycee @off-to-the-r4ces @lyra-kane @reminiscentreader @lyrakanefanatic @imaseabear @elizaa31

You sit on the bed waiting for Jameson to arrive. You wonder how long he’ll take this time. You’d just seen him and Avery ascending the set of stairs that lead to his dead uncle’s wing. Him and Avery. The pretty new comer with those big hazel eyes and long soft hair, pocketing a billionaire’s fortune overnight. She had it all: the looks, the brains, the humour. She was perfection and that bugged you greatly. She was a mystery.

Literally. When Tobias had finally decided to fall asleep forever, she was the result, the heiress, the consequence. She was big masterful puzzle had popped out of nowhere, from nothing. Not that you hadn’t had you fair share of experience with that. You’d earned yourself a scholarship to one of the most prestigious private schools in Texas and raised from the ashes into a burning flame. Then you’d met Jameson Hawthorne.

He had always been an interesting character, you had just never expected his interest in you. You were the scholarship kid nobody knew or cared enough to know and somehow he was intrigued. He had found you studying the the library one day and the two of you just clicked, it was like you’d known each other for years. He’d walked you home that night and had done so ever since. From that day on you were the closest of friends. It wasn’t long before you met his brothers, mostly absent mother and extremely judgemental grandfather. Hawthorne house became a second home. The two of you sat for hours, mostly on the rooftop, staring up at an endless sky of stars and talking about anything and everything. You actually don’t think there’s a topic you haven’t covered. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly… then he started dating Emily.

From the beginning, you didn’t like her at all, but you bit your tongue from pouring out your true feelings to Jameson when he’d asked for an opinion on her. You didn’t want to make his relationship feel awkward. She was everything you didn’t want him to be with. And she wasn’t you. It shattered you, but you saw how his face lit up when he mentioned her name and you vowed you wouldn’t ruin that for him. To see him that happy was worth it.

You should’ve trusted your gut. Everyday since she broke his heart, you beat yourself up for not saying anything. There were so many chances and you took none of them. She used him, abused him and left him to rot, you supposed she didn’t account for that fact that you’d be there to save him. And then she died. It was one destructive milestone after another. Explosion after explosion. But you helped Jameson through the hardest time of his life, you fixed him when he was too broken to mend.

It wasn’t until then that you realised you loved him. I mean you’d always known you’d loved him, but never in a romantic way, it had always felt so plutonic. But judging by the pure fury that built up inside of you when Emily was mentioned, the passionate way you protected and defended him in situations and the fact that you wanted nothing more than to kiss him until he couldn’t speak, you were pretty sure you were in love. But you never acted on the feeling, too afraid you’d ruin the closeness you had. It wasn’t until one night when you’d been stargazing together that he took your face in his gentle palms and kissed your tender lips. The whole act took you by surprise suddenly, but it didn’t stop you from kissing back. It felt so natural, so normal, like it was supposed to be this way. He was sweeter than you’d imagined but in the best way possible.

“I’ve always loved you,” he’d whispered as you’d pulled away, “always.”

“I’ve always loved you too,” you’d smiled shyly, cheeks flushed with colour, “and to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

You can’t remember when it was established that he was your boyfriend but from that kiss onwards, that’s what he was to you. He was still your best friend but in a different way. There was more chemistry and kissing, but the banter remained the same. The two of you were actually planning to go on a backpacking trip around Europe but then Tobias had died and it was another round of pain and healing for Jameson, who turned to alcohol for respite. But then the will happened and Avery Kylie Grambs had appeared out of nowhere and the old man’s final game had unfurled. So the mystery girl had been an adjustment for you to say the least.

Avery wasn’t bad. In fact you liked her a lot, you could see yourself forming a friendship with her, a tight bond but the problem was the sheer amount of time she was spending with your boyfriend. After discovering she was the key to solving his grandfather’s final mystery Jameson became obsessed. He craved the answers, thirsted for knowledge. You didn’t mind at first, you let him play his game, you only ever objected the dangerous parts when he risked himself getting hurt. Other than that you said nothing. Then he let on that this all had something to do with Emily. Emily had destroyed him, from inside out. A broken, bitter shell was formed over the real Jameson. You had worked so hard to get him to see that he wasn’t broken or damaged and you feared this might undo it.

But you knew how important Emily had been, how much of his life she’d ruined, you knew Jameson needed the closure and Avery would help him to get there, but after that you expected their interaction to die down. But they didn’t. Not in the slightest. You weren’t jealous at first, you trusted Jameson and didn’t see Avery as a threat, but after a while the meetings felt too frequent and too elongated. It was a little suspicious. When you’d asked Jameson he insisted it was all part of the game.

But then that game finished and it opened up another. Of course there always had to be more to a mystery. They were Hawthorne’s. But you’d had enough, you were tired of the endless myserties. Was it so selfish to want things to go back to how they were before? When the old man’s games were not as dangerous, a little less time consuming and uninvloving of recent billionaire girls.

You’re reeled in from your deep train of thought as Jameson walks in. You look up from your desk, placing your pen down. You flash him a sweet smile in which he returns.

“So where have you been?” you ask, a hint of a forged giggle in the back of your throat.

“Nowhere,” he shrugs, the blatant lie so easily escaping his lips cuts right through your heart.

“Nowhere with brick dust on your blazer and shoes?” you raise an challenging eyebrow, arms folded across your chest.

“I climbed a wall,” he says. Lie number two, you make a mental note.

“I saw you with Avery and Xander in Toby’s wing,” you say bluntly, your face expressionless so he can’t read it.

“Are you spying on me?” he replies, gaping.

You give a delicate shrug in response and don’t answer the question directly, “what were you whispering about?”

“What do you mean?” he furrows his brow, confused.

He’s playing dumb. Fine. He can play dumb. But he won’t able to for much longer.

“I mean what were you and Avery just whispering about,” you ask directly, your tone flat as the tyre you’d burst on his car earlier that morning.

He hesitates. He doesn’t want to tell you, that’s obvious.

“Oh, was it personal?” you ask, raising an eyebrow, opting a cold, curt, feigned sort of concern to your tone.

“Oh no,” he mumbles, “well kind of…Tobias Hawthorne is alive.”

You try not to the let your jaw drop, “your grandfather?”

How had that slimy bastard managed to fake his own death and-

He shakes his head, “my uncle.”

Of course, why hadn’t you seen it sooner? Him and Avery going into his wing, the sneaking around. But then how is the question, Toby had died before Jameson had even been born.

“And so the plot thickens,” you muse, pursing your lips.

“As always,” he says, flashing you a lopsided grin that was so like him, it reminded you of the old Jameson. The one that you got closer and closer to forgetting the less you saw of him.

“Who else knows?” you ask.

“The family,” he shrugs in response.

“And Avery?” you prompt.

“She knows,” he nods, not meeting your eyes.

You raise an eyebrow, “you didn’t mention her name?”

“She was implied when I said family,” he replies.

“She was and I wasn’t,” you ask, the words not being filtered through your brain before you blurt them out. You don’t know why it hurt you so much, it just did.

“It’s not like that,” he shakes his head.

“Okay,” you reply flatly

He shoots you a knowing look and sighs, “y/n.”

“What? I said okay,” you exclaim, throwing your hands up into the air, “that means it’s okay, I’m okay, we’re all okay.”

“You don’t sound okay,” he says gently.

“Well I’m fine,” you snap.

“I didn’t mean it like that, of course you’re part of this family,” Jameson replies, trying to make up for it.

“Forget it, I don’t care,” you retort.

“Common y/n,” he groans.

“No it’s fine, I don’t care,” you shrug, very obviously caring as your voice is high pitched and you’re being far too defensive, “do what you want.”

“She just worked it out,” he explains, “she found out that-“

“I said I don’t care,” you say sharply, eyes pinned to his.

“I know you do,” he murmurs, taking a step closer.

“No I don’t,” you shake your head in denial, “end of story, what’s for dinner?”

“I know I’ve been with her a lot recently,” he sighs.

“A lot is an understatement,” you blurt out, unable to stop the thoughts that circle your mind from finally surfacing.

“It was all part of the game, you understand,” he says as a statement, not a question.

“Of course I understand,” you reply, your voice a little colder than you’d intended but it’s too late to take it back.

For a split second hurt flashed across Jameson’s features but he swiftly continues, “it was the old man’s game.”

“It always is with you,” you say curtly, with an eye roll.

“You knew what you were getting into when you became my girlfriend,” he says, growing irritated, “I warned you-“

“Getting into?” you scoff.

“The old man always has a game,” he presses on, regaining his cool.

“And you always play it,” you snap, the fury inside of your raging a little too violently to be tamed.

“I have to play,” he says, his voice strained.

“No. You don’t. You think you have to play and your grandfather knew that,” you reply, “he knew you had a thirst to play and wouldn’t resist. Prove him wrong Jamie, make him stir for the flipping grave.”

“And what if I don’t want to do that,” he asks, raising his voice slightly.

“Then you’re not the Jameson I know,” you murmur in a low, dark voice.

“Maybe I’m not anymore,” he shrugs, “people change.”

“No,” you shake your head, “people have changed you, one person in particular.”

“Avery is just a friend,” he rolls his eyes, “I don’t understand why you’re getting so hotheaded about it!”

“You’re dimming yourself down for her,” you yell.

“So what?” Jameson challenges, making the volume of your voice.

“That’s not you,” you tell him.

“Maybe it is now,” he cocks his head to the side.

“You know you’re just talking shit,” you spit.

“I like her company,” he shrugs, “and I don’t want to prove the old man wrong, I want to make him proud.”

He’s trying to get under your skin and you know it. He’s doing a good job.

“You can’t live your life trying to prove something to him, he won’t be proud, he’s dead Jameson,” you snap.

“I know he’s dead,” he shouts, “I don’t need you to tell me.”

“Good, now that information is consolidated maybe you’ll come back and live your life,” you say, the harshness in your tone making your throat ache.

“I am living my life,” he retorts.

“Running off with girls to the Laughlin’s cottage at 3am, that’s living your life?” you ask.

“Is this still about Avery?” he asks, then laughs, “you’re pathetic.”

“I’m pathetic?” you yell, “you have spent the majority of the past few weeks at her side, working this shit out and I’ve been patient and I let it happen and I waited but now there’s more to this mystery and I can’t do it again and it’s not fair for you to put me in that situation again. So forgive me if I’m sounding a little pathetic.”

“Fair? My uncle is still out there, still alive,” he replies.

“You never even knew him,” I roll my eyes.

“He’s family,” he roars.

Something about Jameson was that he was loyal to the bone when it came to family.

I shrug, “so was your grandfather and look how he treated you.”

“Don’t speak a word against him,” he says, his voice low, warning, dangerous

“You were never good enough for him and that killed you,��� I reply, my voice failing to stay stable, “he broke you and I helped fix you and now we’re going back around the same cycle. Why are you still letting him continue to break you?”

“I said don’t speak a WORD against him!” he tells, his voice powerful

You could cry. You feel like it. But you don’t. For some reason you’re past tears now.

“But when you did it was okay?” I scream back, “when you’d come to your bedroom a wreck and shit talk him, who listened to you then huh? Don’t throw this all back in my face now, don’t you fucking dare.”

“I’m not trying to-“

“Well you are,” you cut him off,

He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head, “look I don’t know what the hell you’re on this afternoon but-“

“What the hell I’m on?” you scoff.

His face softens and so does his tone, “all this arguing we’re doing, it’s not us,” he says, “it never has been so are we really going to carry on this stupid fight?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask Avery?” you ask, it’s petty but you didn’t feel like being mature in this moment

“This keeps circling back to her,” he sighs with an eye roll.

“You have spent the entirety of the morning with her,” I stated “again.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” he says.

“Seriously?” I ask, my jaw hanging slack.

“What?”

“You know what, it doesn’t even matter,” you shake your head and begin to walk out.

“Sweetheart,” he says, lunging forwards to grab your arm. You spin around and can see the desperation seeping from his eyes.

“I’m going out,” you tell him harshly,

“Where?” he asks immediately.

“For a walk,” you shrug, going to turn again. But he holds you firmly in his grip.

“I’ll come with you,” he says.

“No, I need headspace right now,” you snap coldly.

“Okay, that’s fine,” he nods, eyes wide with understanding. You hated that he was being so nice when you were supposed to be mad at him, it wasn’t fair, “but at least take a bodyguard with you.”

“No,” you immediately say.

“Yes,” he argues back.

“I’m not one of you, Jameson,” you quip. You can see in his face that pains him but you’re too furious to care, “people aren’t coming for me, I’m not taking a bodyguard.”

“Look I’m sorry about before but-“

“It’s not about you Jameson,” you yell, “I just need a walk.”

“Okay, but I’m still sorry and please baby, take a bodyguard with you,” he begs.

“I’m not going to,” you reply, “I need to be alone.”

“Fine, okay then,” he shrugs, pretending not to care, “yeah fine, go have fun in nature or something.”

“I will,” you snap, charging out, slamming the door behind you.

***

You start walking with no intention of going anywhere. In a headspace of anger, your pace is swift and dominant. You needed air, you needed a clear head, you needed to get away. Bringing a bodyguard felt claustrophobic. You didn’t want another person breathing down your neck. You just needed to be alone for a while. A million and one thoughts swarm your mind. He probably complained about you to Avery, you think, kicking a rock violently. He’s probably with her right now, telling her what an annoying, selfish, jealous person you are and she’s probably comforting him. The thought of it makes your stomach squeeze.

It was getting darker and colder by the second. In your rage you’d forgotten to bring a hoodie and now you’re absolutely freezing. The street lights flicker on and you suddenly realise you have no idea where you are. You’re cold, alone, lost and a little hungry. You pray it doesn’t start to rain. You get out your phone quickly to look on google maps, but two red words flash up: no connection. Great. Just when you thought today couldn’t get any worse. You wish you hadn’t left the house now, but didn’t know which way to turn to walk back. You walk around the corner of a tall white building, hoping to see a signpost nearby.

That’s when you notice the footsteps of someone behind you. You turn absentmindedly to see a stranger dressed in all black clothing. You couldn’t properly see their face or decipher whether they were a man or woman. Feeling a little sceptical, you choose to cross to the other side of the road, trying to shake or anxious feelings that were creeping in. You spin the ring on your finger, trying to breathe in and out slowly. You side glance at the figure a few times to see that they’re still on the opposite side of the road. You exhale and turn the corner, feeling stupid for getting so het up over nothing.

You hear more footsteps and paranoid you look behind. You feel sick. The mystery stranger is back. Panic seizes your throat and you walk a little faster, noting their feet also pick up the pace. You turn a second corner. So do they. A thousand and one questions flashed up in your mind. What did they want? Why were they following you? And more importantly how long had they been following you for? You’re breathing heavily, maybe too heavily. You don’t want them to know you’re scared.

You fumble to reach your phone, hurriedly finding your contacts. You click Jameson’s name but the call fails. Your eyes flick to your internet, still none. You try again, the cycle repeats. Tears well up in your eyes. You were hopeless, helpless and frightened to death. You begin to fiddle anxiously with your necklace trying to work out what to do next, but your mind was blank. You couldn’t think. The person was a good few meters behind you now. A silent tear of rolls down your cheek as you carry on walking forwards, pretending you’re going somewhere in hope the follower might get bored a leave. They did not. You bite back and audible sob and notice one bar lights up in the top right hand corner of your phone screen. You have one bar of internet and you’ve never felt more relieved. Your finger rushes to hit the call button. One ring and he picks up. It’s a miracle.

“Sweetheart,” he breathes, a sense of relief and a smile in his voice.

“Jamie,” you say, your voice more panicked than you’d intended.

“What’s wrong?”

His voice is immediate and assertive but thick with anxiety. He can sense there’s something wrong, he knows.

“Jamie there’s someone following me,” you hyperventilate, the sharp sudden breaths hurting your chest.

“Where are you?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” you say, your voice shaky, “and I’m panicking.”

“Okay, don’t worry, just keep walking straight,” he instructs, “okay sweetheart?”

“Okay,” you murmur.

“Just breathe,” he soothes, “I’m tracking your location.”

You exhale unevenly and carry on walking.

“Are you near any buildings?” Jameson asks, strategically. You can tell he’s concentrated.

“There’s a housing complex and a few shops across the street,” you describe.

“Good,” he replies, “cross the road and go into one of the shops and stay in there.”

“Okay,” you answer, jogging across the road, taking note of anything that might help Jameson find you.

“What’s the name of the shop you’re going to go into?” he asks, “it might help me track you a little faster.”

You step back to read the cursive white letters, “Betty’s,” you reply, stepping in.

“That’s it?” he confirms.

“That’s it,” you say, carefully stepping inside, seeing the follower cross the road in the refection of the shop window.

Your heart thuds in your chest as the little bell rings to announce your entrance in the shop. It was one of those little knick-knack type shops, small but compact. You pretend to admire a china tea set.

“Are you inside?” Jameson asks, his voice washing some sort of comfort over you.

“Yes,” you say quickly, subconsciously tracing the tablecloth deign with your index finger.

“Have they followed you inside?” he asks.

“No,” you reply, though you haven’t looked up, the shop bell definitely has not rung since your arrival. You are the only customer in this shop. You look up and see them standing outside, you catch their eye and fear flicker through you as you quickly turn away, jolts of sheer nauseating panic runs up and down your abdomen, “Jamie they’re waiting outside, oh god Jameson they’re waiting outside, for me to come out, oh god.”

“Hey! Hey! You have the stay calm,” he says sharply but kindly, “as long as you’re in there you’re safe and I’m on my way now.”

“You found where I am?” you breathe, sounding too much like a child than you care to admit.

“I’m getting into the car as we speak,” he replies.

He’s coming. You tell yourself. You’re going to be okay. You say in your head.

“Stay on the line with me,” you blurt out, “please.”

“Of course baby, I’m not going anywhere,” he says, the concern in his voice made you yearn to be in his arms.

The other end of the phone goes silent except for the sound of a car engine, gently groaning in motion. You try to distract yourself by admiring the little collection of ceramic mouse figurines and try to give all of them a name. That’s when you catch the stranger in your peripheral.

“Jameson I’m scared,” you bite the inside of your cheek, “I’m really scared.”

“I’m coming, just hang in there okay,” he comforts “breathe for me.”

“Jameson,” you exhale, your hands becoming increasingly more restless.

“Hey, sweetheart, take a breath with me okay?” he says, “together?”

“Together,” you nod, despite the fact that he can’t see you, but somewhere deep down you know he knows you’re nodding.

“In through your nose and out through your mouth, okay?” he replies.

I’m through your nose and out through your mouth. You repeat the motion over and over with him over the phone, until you’re bored.

“I’m nearly there,” he mentions after a while.

“You promise?” you say, your breath hitching.

“I promise, just stay where you are,” he says calmly.

“Okay,” you reply.

“Sorry honey we close at 11:00,” comes a voice.

It makes you jump at first, as you yelp in surprise at the old woman beside you. Where had she appeared from? You drop your phone and it crashes to the floor. You realise for the first time how tightly you’d had it pressed to the side of your face as the cold air rushes to that spot and you feel the sticky sweat. You scramble to pick up your phone.

“I’m fine,” you reassure Jameson quickly, before turning the the woman, “sorry, would I be able to stay a few more minutes?”

She glances disapprovingly at you and then her watch, “I don’t think so.”

“It won’t be long, I promise,” you rush.

“I’m sorry but I have to lock up now,” she shakes her head and waves the keys between her fingers.

“Just until my boyfriend gets here,” you try again, desperation slicing through your tone.

“You’re not purchasing anything and it’s closing hours,” she replied sternly, “I need to lock up.”

“Please,” you beg.

“Store policy I’m afraid,” she shrugs flatly.

“I’ll but the whole damn place of you let me stay,” you exclaim, not really sure why the sentence left your mouth but it was too late to take it back now.

“This place isn’t for sale,” she says sourly with pursed wrinkled lips.

“Not literally,” you sigh, “look I’ll make a purchase.”

“No purchases after 11:00,” she responds, blunt as a baseball bat.

“But you just said-“

“We’re closed,” she snaps.

“Please just let me stay for five minutes,” you ask, hoping by some miracle she’ll agree.

“I really can’t do that,” she sighs, with an almost apologetic look on her face “I’m sorry.”

“Two minutes?” you try to compromise.

She stares through you, “I’m going to call the police.”

“There’s someone out there following me outside,” you burst, “so please, if you’re going to call the police on anyone, do it on them.”

The woman gently cocks her head to see the mysterious figure outside the window, her eyes widen by the tiniest fraction and she stares back at you. You wonder what she’s thinking. She chews her lip thoughtfully for a while and then finally replied, “there’s a back way out, I can take you through to there.”

“Thank you,” you exhale in relief.

She walks hurriedly walks away and you follow her, ending up at the very back of the shop. It couldn’t be seen from the window, but how long would it take for the follower to realise? Not long enough, you pray, hoping Jameson would arrive in time. There is a small green door with a lacy translucent curtain across the window.

“Here,” she nods towards it, “get home safe.”

“Thanks,” you say gratefully.

You almost trip out of the back door but managed to stabilise yourself, the old woman slams to door and it nearly clips your heals. You quickly press your phone back to your ear, realising Jameson is still on the line.

“Jamie?” you say.

“I’m still here,” he replies, reading your mind, “Betty’s a bitch.”

You choke on your own spittle, “what?”

“Betty,” he states as if it’s obvious.

“Betty?” you question, hoping he’ll elaborate.

“Well I assume it’s her name,” he says, you could practically hear him shrug, “the woman who just kicked you out of her shop.”

“Oh, you heard all of that?” you say.

“I did,” he confirms, “but I’m two minutes away now.”

“Two minutes?” you check, hope returning your voice.

“Yeah,” he confirms gently.

“I’m still at the back,” you mention, “but I’ll walk to the front to meet you.”

“Okay,” he replies, “I’m so close sweetheart, don’t worry.”

“Okay I-“

All the air is knocked from your lungs as you turn the corner and someone grabs your shoulders and it’s so sudden you forget to scream. Fear runs cold and thick through your veins. You can’t move. The grip is strong and foreign, their hands are callous and your arms ache the longer you’re in their hold. Paralysed, you fail to struggle free. It all happens in a blur. You feel yourself being thrown to the side and you land on the pavement with a hard thump after rolling over your ankle. Pain seizes through it and you bite back a yelp. You look up, struggling to your feet and see Jameson has arrived.

Jameson. Jameson. Jameson.

He’s fighting the mysterious follower who you can now see is man. He’s a few inches taller than Jameson and has much more muscle but Jameson is quicker, more agile. You wish you could help him but the searing agony deriving from your ankle would’ve only made him slower. So you’re now just watching. It’s a tête-a-tête of frantic hits and blocks, all scarily aggressive. The look in Jameson’s eyes is not one you recognise, it’s like the green had been frosted over with ice. The follower lunges at him suddenly and an audible gasp escapes your lips. He has Jameson in a headlock. You stumble forwards, ready to attack him from behind when Jameson twists the man’s arms in an awkward direction, leaving him vulnerable. In the split second Jameson knees him in the stomach and begins to punch him repeatedly.

Jameson’s jaw is clenched, his hair is ragged and wild. A flow of crimson red liquid falls from one nostril and from a new wound just above his eyebrow. His eyes are fierce and gleaming, like a predator on its prey. You’re not sure you know who this man is, he’s not Jameson, he’s a mutation, a weapon, a unrecognisable being.

“Jamie,” you murmur, your voice shaking. You can’t stop yourself, you’re too scared.

He can’t hear properly, he doesn’t even acknowledge you. He carries on punching and punching but the follower seems to be cold out.

“Jameson stop! You’re scaring me!” you yell, fear in your throat but fire in your belly.

He looks up and he freezes, all but his hands that are shaking from the adrelenline rush. He looks down at his bloodied knuckles to the limp figure on ground, then back to me again. He can see the fright in my features that I’m so desperately trying to conceal.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” he says, “it’s okay, let’s go home.”

“Is he dead?” you say, the words so much harsher than you intended.

“No,” he shakes his head gently, “just knocked out, I promise.”

“I-“ you can’t finish the sentence.

“You’re shaking,” he murmurs tentatively, wrapping an arm around you to still your trembling torso.

“I’m fine,” you say, trying to sound strong, but synthetic strength only made you sound weaker.

“You’re not fine,” he shakes his head.

“Let’s just get out of here,” you sigh, then look at him with sparkling eyes, “please?”

“Of course,” he says, concern bleeding across his features.

You begin to walk but have to bite your lip as pain rips through your ankle with weight pressing down on it.

“What wrong?” Jameson asks, his reaction instant and lightning fast.

“Nothing,” you shake your head, trying to carry on without displaying the pain.

But he’s too vigilant for his own good, “are you hurt?”

“No, it’s fine,” you reply, in denial, “I’m fine.”

You’ve found that things are easier to believe if you say them out loud. Unfortunately not in this case.

“Where?” he asks, stopping still, pressing gently down your arms to check for tentative pressure points.

You pull away, “Jamie I’m-“

“Where?” he asks firmly, giving me that look.

“I just rolled over my ankle,” you sigh, “it’s not a big deal.”

“Do you want me to carry you?” he offers.

“No,” you say quickly, too quickly.

The truth was, you did want to be carried. The thought of being in his protective arms, pressed up against his chest was very appealing. But just like he could see your winces and hear your sharp breaths in, you notice his. The fight hadn’t been easy on him, no matter how stubbornly he tries to hide it.

“Just support me and I’ll support you,” you reply.

“I don’t need support,” he says.

You stare at him, “you don’t have to be the knight in shining armour with me, I thought you’d stopped that.”

You’d made a pact at the start of your relationship that Jameson couldn’t play that role. You were there for each other, it wasn’t one or the other.

“Fine,” he grits through his teeth, “we’ll support each other.”

You both walk, labouring, limping and leaning on one another. In the silence of it all you have time to think about all that had happened, a chances you hadn’t previously had with your mind always preoccupied on something else. A tidal wave of guilt almost drowns you.

“I’m sorry,” you burst out suddenly, feeling all of a sudden emotional, as tears run down your face.

You didn’t realise how much yours been keeping it in, your fear, your pain, your guilt, your sorrow.

“Hey, shhhh,” he soothes, caressing your cheek, “shhh shh stop that now, hey, hey.”

“I shouldn’t have left,” you shake your head, “I shouldn’t have got so angry and walked so far alone and it was dark-“

“Y/n, breathe,” Jameson murmurs, “I’m not angry, it’s not your fault, I’m just glad you’re safe now, okay? I would never let him hurt you, you know that right?”

You nod.

“Let’s get to the car and then we can go home, okay?” he suggests softly.

“Okay,” you murmur in response.

He wraps his arm back around your shoulders and holds your hand with the other, steering you towards his car. He walks around to your door, looking over his shoulder cautiously, making sure you are in and safe before he thinks of himself. You’ve never felt safer in a car, your back pressed up against the seat. Your leg bobs up and down uncontrollably, even when your try to stop it. Seems the adrenaline had gotten to you more than you’d thought.

Jameson is swift to get into the driver’s seat and start the car. He silently places his hand on your upper thigh to still the shaking. The warmth of his familiar touch relaxes some of the built up worry in your chest. One knot has been untied from the incomprehensible ball.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

You nod numbly. You didn’t reply with words in fear that you’d spill out the truth. Lying to Jameson was a challenge.

“Stupid question,” he mumbles, “of course you’re not.”

“I think I’m still trying to process what just happened,” you murmur, not a complete lie. You’d only processed parts.

“Okay, that’s fine, take as long as you need,” he says reassuringly, “I’m here if you want to talk.”

You nod again. Then take a breath.

“I’m sorry,” you say, choked up with emotion, “I’m sorry for fighting, I don’t know why I get so annoyed it’s just-“

“It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you’re safe,” he tells you gently.

“Safe,” you repeat, the word has an odd texture on your tongue.

“You are safe,” Jameson replies firmly.

“I am safe,” you repeat, believing it a little more.

***

The two of you had gotten back to Hawthorne House late. No one was around so no questions were asked. But whilst you showered and changed Jameson insisted on getting the security team on it and you didn’t object. You join Jameson in your shared room after your shower, he’s already waiting with open arms. You clamber into the bed and fall onto his chest. The smell of him indescribably addictive. He wraps his arms around your torso and you wince, tenderness spreading across the tops of your arms and upper back.

“What hurts baby?” he asks, eyebrows knotted with worry.

“Nothing,” you reply, shrugging the pain off.

He looks at you, “you don’t have to lie to me.”

You’re silent for a few beats but then finally murmur, “my arms.”

“Let me see,” he says.

“It’s okay-“

“Let me see,” he whispers, sending a hot shiver down your spine. 

You slowly slip of your jumper and expose the rounded bruises from the follower’s fingers. You’d discovered them moments ago in the bathroom, it must’ve been from where he’d grabbed you. You can’t see Jameson’s face but judging by the thick blanket of tense air that had enveloped your surroundings, you have a good idea of what he’s thinking.

“He did this?” he asks, tracing every bruise so delicately it nearly tickles.

“Jamie he grabbed me,” you explain.

“I’ll kill him for laying a finger on you,” he spits, a foreign violence in his tone you weren’t sure you liked.

“Don’t say that,” you say before you can stop yourself.

“What?” he looks at you in wild disbelief.

“Talk of killing him,” you close your eyes, “you’re not a murderer.”

He opens his mouth.

“Don’t you dare argue with me,” you snap, a raw intensity in your voice. You struggle to recall where you found it.

Silence you like a car hits roadkill. Swiftly and out of nowhere with a sickening thud.

“You know you scared me back there,” you murmur, meeting his eyes shyly.

“Me?”

“When you were punching him…” you trail off, “you looked so angry.”

“I was angry” he retorts, “no one should do that, especially not to you. Never to you.”

“Yeah but I really thought you might…” you stop yourself.

“I might what?” he urges you to continue.

“I don’t know,” you say trying to brush it off, “it doesn’t matter.”

“No it does,” he replies, “you thought I might kill him right?”

“It just wasn’t you punching that guys, it wasn’t my Jameson,” you murmur.

“Your Jameson doesn’t protect you,” he yells and you flinch slightly.

You don’t meet his eye, “no, not like that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just…” he sighs, “I never would’ve forgiven myself if something had happened to you.”

“It would’ve been my fault for storming off like that, god I’m so stupid,” emotion rises thick in your throat.

“Hey, stop beating yourself up about this,” Jameson says, “it was my fault in the first place.”

“No it wasn’t-“

“Yes it was, let’s just forget about this okay,” he insists.

“But what if he comes back? What if he knows where I am? What did he want with me Jamie? What if-“

“It’s all going to be sorted okay, we have so many staff on it right this second,” he says tracing the outlines of your knuckles, “you just need to breathe.”

“I am breathing,” you grit through your teeth.

“What’s worrying you then?” he asks softly.

“I don’t know,” you reply, biting back a sob.

He senses the emotion, “come here.”

You practically collapse into his arms, keeping your tears at bay just barely. There’s something about being in his arms, against the warmth of his body that made the bad things go quiet for a second, that stopped the overwhelming voices in your head, that silences your thudding heart. But even now, things were unusually playing on your mind, despite the comfort.

“I don’t know Jamie,” you murmur into his chest, “I’m scared and exhausted and anxious and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Let me help you,” he whisper, gently running his fingers through your hair.

“I don’t think you can,” you mumble, your eyes grappling to stay open.

“I will find a way,” he says, you almost laugh at his stubbornness.

“I don’t want to lose you,” you reply, your voice breaking, “I don’t know anything bad to happen.”

“You’re not going to lose me and I won’t let anything bad happen,” Jameson kisses the top of your head, “I promise.”

“I don’t feel safe,” you admit.

“What’s making you feel unsafe baby?” he asks, aching concern in his voice.

“Before today I’d never even imagined potentially being kidnapped and it just happened today,” you ramble, “and that means there’s so many other things that I couldn’t ever have imagine that might happen.”

“If we spend our whole lives in fear of what might happen we’d forget to live,” Jameson says.

You meet his emerald eyes and try not to melt, “I’m scared.”

“There’s no need to be,” he comforts, “I’m here.”

“You promise?”

“Always,” he says. His voice is so sure, so strong. It almost makes you believe.

“And you’re not going anywhere?”

“Not anywhere without you,” he grins lopsidedly, the real Jameson shining through making your cheeks tint a pale pink.

“I’m sorry,” you say again, the residing guilt flowing back in.

“If you apologise one more time I’m going to do a lyrical dance routine to ‘hot stuff’ only dressed in sequinned hot pants and a top hat,” he says.

“I think I’d quite like to see that,” you can’t help but smile, “I should apologise more often.”

He chuckles softly and kisses the top of your head. You nuzzle into the nape of his neck and allow one tear to slip from the under your mask. Just one.

“I’ve got you baby and I’m not letting go,” Jameson whispers.

“Please don’t let me go,” you murmur, sounding as small as a child.

“I’m not, never ever,” he murmurs, kissing your nose, then cheeks and then a soft kiss on your lips.

You smile, a fluttery feeling in your chest and you kiss him back. His hands snake around your waist, the tentative touch making you tingle a little. You wish you could just focus on Jameson and nothing else but the problem was the scene kept replaying in your head. The man grabbing your shoulders, the bruises left on your skin, the smell of his cologne in your hair. He was everywhere.

“Hey sweetheart, it’s okay,” Jameson soothes, “you’re safe now.”

It’s only then you notice how your entire body is shaking, your bones rattling together. You try to stop but you can’t. He brings you into deeper his arms and holds your quivering limbs together. You wonder if he let go you’d fall apart all together.

***

You didn’t go to school the next day, instead you stayed curled up in Jameson’s arms as he gently traced spirals across your back with his index finger.

You can’t remember the last time you’d felt so in love.

***

Thursday rolls around far too quickly and you know you have to go back. Word about the stalker had been kept quiet but you know you couldn’t stay under your duvet forever. No matter how badly you wanted to. So you wake up early and take your time getting ready. Jameson sleeps like the dead all the way through it, even when you blow dry your hair. You meet Xander who is already at breakfast, eating muffins. You’d promised the week before you’d come and observe his biology project for him, so he could have a second opinion and you didn’t want to break that promise.

“You know you really didn’t have to come,” he says, still chewing, “after you know…”

“I want to Xand, really,” you say, “I can’t avoid it forever and I want to see your project.”

“If you’re sure?” he checks, with an eyebrow raise.

“I’m sure,” you nod, “I swear.”

“Well then, have a muffin or two and then we’ll be on our way,” he grins, handing me one from the plate in the centre.

“Roger that sir,” you smile back, saluting him as you take a bite.

***

School was difficult that day, not the content, just the energy. The problem was you had none. And it was one of those long modified timetable days where your first break of the day was lunch and it wasn’t even until 2:00pm. That in itself was a mood killer. On top of that you couldn’t get the follower out of your head. The events played on some sort of endless loop in your head. You wonder who it might be, why they might have been following you of all people. It was known you were dating Jameson but not that known. Apparently, according to Xander, Oren had been put on high alert and Alisa was working on finding their identity. That should have brought you solace. It didn’t.

But the more you thought about it the more your realised that part of you selfishly didn’t mind that it has happened too much because last night you’d felt more connected to Jameson than you had in forever. It had been a while since it had just been the two of you, no mysteries, no arguments, no Avery. Yesterday had solely been the two of you, all day. Just in the presence of one another but, at school, you hadn’t seen Jameson all morning, seen as you’d left for school early with Xander but he had sent you a string of text messages that you only see at first on your very late lunch break.

morning sweetheart

are you okay??

I know you left early with Xand but I’m still worried about you

text me for ANYTHING okay??

I love you xx

And then an hour later…

you still haven’t text back

are you okay??

I bribed the woman at the front desk for your schedule so you’re probably in class right now

unless you’re not!!

just answer me when you can okay

I love you

Then in the next hour…

ARE YOU OKAY!?

I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN THE HALLWAYS

PLEASE ANSWERRR!!!!

I love you ;)

You almost laugh at the cuteness of it all. You type a couple of messages in response incase he bribed the headteacher to let him use the announcement speaker to find you next.

I’m fine Jamie, don’t worry

late lunch break sorry I couldn’t text sooner

They bleep through one after the other, sending through.

meet you after school for our plans

You close your phone quickly and get to the next class, holding your books tightly to your chest. The next few periods better go fast.

***

They didn’t go fast. In fact every millisecond felt like an hour, the day seemed endless. You get out of class and don’t pass Jameson in any hallways yet again sk decide to go to your usual meeting spot after school. You send him a quick message.

waiting outside business studies

You wait for him by the curb. One minute passes, he’s been a minute late before, many times. So you figure it’s okay, leaning on the wall behind you. Five minutes go by next and most kids are leaving or have left the school premises. Maybe his class has run over, your brain suggests. Then it is ten minutes, barely anyone is walking out. The odd person, sure, but never Jameson. You begin to wonder where he might be. Detention? No, he always finds a way out of those. Basketball court? No, he doesn’t like to play with the other guys. Classroom? No, he wouldn’t spend longer than he had to in the school. You sigh, ten minutes isn’t that long after all. Maybe you’re overreacting. Still, you send him another text ‘hey, are you nearly here?’ Half an hour passes. That’s when you get really confused. He should definitely be here by now. Slowly you wonder down several hallways, checking your phone for any messages, calls or voicemails, but there are none. Few students are around and every time you look into a classroom Jameson isn’t there. You make your way back to your original spot, incase he turned up. Forty minutes pass and you try his phone for the last time, ringing him rather than just texting but it goes straight to voicemail. So you resort to calling Xander, hoping he’ll be able to help and ease the tightening knot of worry growing in your chest. There is only two rings.

“Hello y/n,” Xander’s cheerful voice says down the other end, “is there any reason you’re phoning the best Hawthorne on this fine afternoon?”

“Yeah, sorry Xand,” you reply, “but have you seen Jamie anywhere?”

“Don’t be sorry,” he tells me, “and I think I saw him come in earlier, I just presumed you were with him.”

Too many juxtaposed emotions hit you at once. Relief, he’s okay, he’s alive, he’s at home. Hurt, he left without you, abdomen or forgot the plans you had. Annoyance, he’d left without sparing you a second thought.

“No,” you mutter, “I wasn’t.”

“You sound annoyed,” Xander comments.

“I’m fine, sorry Xand,” you reply, putting some more life into your voice to wash away and tense notes, “it’s been a long day.”

“Don’t I know it,” he sighs, “but hey it’s the weekend now, fancy a game of strip bowling when you get back?”

Strip bowling was one of your favourites, mostly because you were very good at it and barely had to strip and also because Jameson usually ended up in his underwear. Xander must’ve sensed the false happiness in your voice and suggested it to be nice.

“Maybe tomorrow,” you say, trying to let him down gently. You did appreciate the gesture, but the thought of playing stop bowling right now did not match the mood.

“Yeesh your day was that bad huh?” he asks softly, playing it off as jokey.

“I’ll be okay,” you reassure him quietly.

“I’m here you know,” he reminds you.

“Thanks Xander,” you reply, but don’t elaborate. You didn’t feel like talking right now.

“Talk to Jamie, he’ll know how to make you feel better,” he suggests sweetly.

You smile through your pain, “yeah, I’ll give it a go.”

You hang up and exhale slowly, he doesn’t know that Jameson is your problem.

***

You get back to Hawthorne house about twenty minutes later. It sounds relatively empty, though it always does, seen as there were so many possible places for people to be. You wander through the entrance, trying to think where Jameson might be. You hear footsteps approaching and spin around to see a blonde in a suit. Wrong brother.

“Have you seen Jameson?” you ask him before he can greet you.

“He was upstairs earlier, with Avery,” Grayson replies.

All the air is knocked from your stomach, “Avery?”

“You didn’t know?” his expression flashed for a fraction of a second into something between guilt and shame before it is composed.

“No…” you trail off.

“Oh,” he replies, with an unreadable expression back on.

“Well thanks anyway,” you say with a synthetic smile.

You walk away quickly before he can respond, looking up with glossy eyes. You ascend the stairs quickly and don’t look back. You feel you need to see for yourself did this is true. But where would he take Avery? You could only hope it wasn’t the roof where the two of you stargazed, that would hurt like hell. You trail down a hallway where voices are coming from and stumble upon a door that is ajar. Inside, Jameson talking to Avery. Your stomach rolls uncomfortably. He’s positioned barely a foot a way and he’s laughing. He looks so beautiful when he laughs, but now it’s ugly. It’s like biting into something sweet and getting a sour taste. It’s not the fact that she made him laugh, it’s the fact he’s laughing like he laughs when he’s with you. That’s the thing that cuts deep. The way his eyes are sparkling and his smile is wide and carefree, you thought he reserved those kind of smiles only for you.

Clearly not.

You turn your back on the scene and rush to your bedroom. You swing the door open forcefully and then slam it shut behind you. So he’d ditched your plans for her. Great. You sigh as you collapse down on your bed feeling an unwelcome tightness squeezing across your chest. Tears well up in your eyes. You didn’t like to cry, you rarely ever did. But right now, you couldn’t do anything about it. The tears just flowed down your cheeks and your whole body shook with each sob. Your heart physically ached, something you hadn’t thought was possible until this moment. A searingly mournful agony rippling through the left side your the chest. You felt so vulnerable, so exposed. You didn’t stop crying the blanket was soaked through, weighted with wet emotion and your throat was so raw it was numb.

***

You binge movies for the rest of the evening, the only feeling left in your system was anger, you’d cried all the sadness out. You felt so done with feeling shit and binging movies gave you that outlet of doing nothing, thinking nothing and feeling nothing. Exhaustion is beginning to win the ongoing battle between the two of you when you hear soft footsteps approaching. Jameson had been practically out of your mind the whole evening, Disney movies are a good distraction, but that is until he walks in. You hear as the door handle turns and he enters. Your eyes flicker to the clock, it’s just gone midnight.

“Hey sweetheart,” he murmurs, taking his suit jacket off and undoing his top button, “you’re up late.”

“What do you want?” you ask, eyes glued to Elsa’s performance of ‘let it go’ on the tv screen.

He immediately notices something is off and walks over, “woah, hey, what’s wrong?”

“Oh so now you care?” you scoff, looking him dead in the eye.

“What did I do?” he asks quickly, cluelessly.

“You are unbelievable,” you exclaim, switching the movie off before hurling the control across the room.

Jameson stares in disbelief, “why are you so pissed off?”

“You don’t know why I’m annoyed?” you ask, dumbfounded.

“No…” he replies hesitantly, like he’s treading on egg shells.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,”

“Oh my god,” you laugh bitterly, shaking your head, “tell me you’re joking, please.”

“I’m not joking,” he says, the desperation and worry evident in his tone.

“Do you even know what we were supposed to do today?” you ask with a withered look.

A moment of realisation strikes and you notice as his eyes widen and his jaw drops a little.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I forgot,” he says, actually looking guilty. You almost feel sorry for him.

“Yeah I know,” you deadpan, folding your arms across your chest.

“There’s just been a lot going on lately and with the following and then I was days behind on the thing with Toby and-“

“Am I some sort of burden,” you retort, eyebrows raised.

“What? No! I never said that,” he exclaims, his voice raised.

“Okay,” you shrug, nonchalantly. The small display of passive aggression would get under his skin, prickling it like an unscratchable itch.

“Last time we argued it ended with you being followed, I don’t want you in that situation again,” he says, his voice dominant and definitive.

“You’re making this about you!” you yell, rage blinding your vision, “what you want, for me!”

“Oh so you want to be followed, stalked?” he asks, with a forced cruel laugh.

“That’s not what I said,” you snap, eyes narrowed.

“Sounds like it,” he bites back, the bitterness in his voice hurting you far more than you cared to admit.

You don’t say anything for a long while but eventually cut through the long silence, “I even text you about it,” you say quietly.

“What?” he replies, head cocked to the side, confused.

“About tonight,” you say, raising your hands into the air with an eye roll.

“No you didn’t!” he yells back, defensively.

“Yes I did,” you scream.

“Look, this is the last message I got,” he exclaims, shoving his phone’s bright screen into your face.

‘late lunch break sorry I couldn’t text sooner’

You stare at the message and then quickly open your phone to double check. Your message hadn’t gone through, you look up glaring at him. You were mad he didn’t remember, mad the message never went through and just mad in general.

“It didn’t go through, I couldn’t help it,” he defends.

“You still forgot,” you press on, getting mor annoyed by the second, “I shouldn’t have to remind you that you have plans with your girlfriend.”

“Look, I’m really sorry,” he replies and you can see the meaning in his face, “we’ll reschedule.”

“I don’t want to do it anymore,” you tell him nonchalantly. You know you’re being petty, but you can’t help it.

“Oh common y/n,” he says.

“No I don’t,” you shrug. He’d messed it up, that opportunity was passed now.

“Look I just needed to-“

“What you needed to do was stick to your word, what you needed to do was remember when you had things plans, what you needed to do was think before you acted,” you say in a low voice, interrupting him, “but you did none of that.”

“I can’t have a life now?” he scoffs, growing irritated, “that’s not you.”

“What’s not me?” you scowl.

“This, right now,” he says, “you’re being so controlling!”

You raise your eyebrows, almost laughing, “controlling? You started this argument!”

“No I didn’t!” he argues.

“You know what, if you didn’t want to have it out then you shouldn’t have asked why I was angry,” you roll your eyes, “so just forget about it.”

“Oh would you STOP doing that,” he yells.

“What?”

“The whole ‘forget about it’ thing, it’s so fucking annoying,” he retorts, anger creeping up in his tone.

“You know what else is annoying?” you ask him, “when your boyfriend is hanging out constantly with some random girl who inherited all his grandfather’s money, that’s really fucking annoying.”

He’s silent. Nothing to say for once. No witty reply, no deflection, nothing. His face is impossible to read, blank.

“Hang on, that’s not quite the right word,” you continue, “what about aggravating, demoralising, hurtful-“

“You know I never would’ve pinned you as a jealous possessive girlfriend,” he shakes his head, with a cruel chuckle.

“I’m not!” you snap, “but you lied Jameson, why did you feel the need to lie!?”

“Lie?”

“You told me a few days ago you’d climbed a wall and if I hadn’t known any better I would’ve believed you,” you say, “but you weren’t climbing a wall, you were with Avery.”

“This,” he says exasperatedly, “this is exactly the reason I lied.”

“What?” you ask.

“This overreaction,” he explains, making some weird hand gesture.

“I’m overreacting?” you scoff, as your eyebrows shoot to your forehead.

“Completely,” he exclaims.

“So let me just get this straight,” you begin, “you’d have never pinned me as a jealous possessive girlfriend but you lied to me about ditching our plans to spend time with another girl because you were worried about an overreaction? Right, that makes sense.”

“I’m sorry,” he exhales, “I’m sorry.”

“No you can’t just say sorry and then think it’s all going to be okay,” you shake your head, “sorry is just a stupid word, it means nothing.”

“I didn’t mean to say what I said just now and I am sorry that I hurt you,” Jameson says desperately, “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s not just that! You blew off our plans for her,” you yell with a sob, “so yeah that kind of fucking hurts.”

“Sweetheart I didn’t mean to-“

“Yeah well you did,” you laugh bitterly, aggressively wiping away your tears, “and I’m crying over it which is just stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” he tells you gently.

“Yes it is stupid Jameson,” you snap, the tears only flowing thicker and faster, “I feel like an idiot.”

“You shouldn’t,” he insists.

“Well I do, I’m such an idiot. I’m an idiot for fighting with you, I’m an idiot for getting myself followed, I’m an idiot for thinking that someone could actually love me, I’m an idiot for not seeing the signs sooner and I’m an idiot for crying over it all now,” you snivel, roughly scrubbing your tear-stained cheeks.

“Woah, hey,” he says, “sweetheart I love you. Just you.”

“Well it doesn’t feel like it lately,” you say, choking back a sob desperate to leave your throat.

His face softens, “sweetheart…”

He reaches out to touch me but you flinch away. His gentle touch is only a reminder of the good person he is and how much you love him for it. And you can’t afford to fall for it, not again, the pain was too much.

“You’re hurting me Jamie,” you say, your voice breaking as you jab a finger to your heart, “this is hurting me.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmurs, as his eyes mellow.

“If you want to be with her I’d rather you just tell me,” you whimper, “it would save me the pain of all this back and forth and sneaking around and finding out. Just tell me straight.”

“I don’t want to be with Avery,” he says, “I never have.”

“You don’t look at me how you look at her,” you say bitterly, getting it off of your chest.

“You’re right I don’t,” he agrees. Your heart plummets, here it comes, the confession, the break up, the empty sorrys and eyes filled with tears. “I don’t look at you like I look at her, because I look at her like any other person on this planet, but when I look at you I’m looking at my world. And I’d sure as hell hope that differs from the look that I gave to everyone else.”

A wave of emotion coats your skin, soaking you through. His world. The words repeat over and over and over until you feel delirious.

“Do you mean that? Do you really mean that?” you whisper.

“Of course I do,” he sighs, “don’t you understand? I love you, it’s always been you, it will never not be you! You’re my person, you’re my other half, I was supposed to meet you and fall in love with you. You give me purpose and passion and so much more. When you called me the other night after our fight I’ve never been more frightened in my life, I was freaking out over here. I’ve never felt so panicked, so sick with the thought of someone being hurt. I’m in so love with you that I can’t even explain it and I can’t believe I led you to doubt it. Avery is a friend, I promise, she means nothing to me compared to you, trust me. How can I prove that to you?”

“I don’t know Jameson,” you shout, your head aching from this endless circle of arguments.

“Then marry me!” he yells, then his voice softens, “marry me.”

You freeze, every muscle in your body suddenly falling into a state of paralysis, “what?”

“You heard me,” he says, his expression too serious.

“Jameson,” you murmur, barely getting his name out.

“Marry me.”

a/n: I’m a sucker for fat dramatic impulse decisions (it’s a problem, you may have gathered from my more recent fics) SOZ GUYS 😘😘 anywayyysss the time frame is roughly (and I mean very ROUGHLY) based around chapters 11-13 of the Hawthorne brothers incase you were wondering

thanks for the req anon, so sorry again for the wait, hope you enjoyed the read 🤍🤍 if you made it to the end and didn’t DNF halfway through, well done!! can you guys tell I got way too carried away, this fic was so all over the place but I posted it anyway bc yolo

there will be no part 2!! sorry!! I really need a break from reqs… you decide how you answer 🤭🤭

TIG masterlist

[celestialtarot11]

Romance December Predictions 🎄🌟 PAC ☕️🤍

Hey friends! For fall break I decided I’d do a little cozy reading for ya’ll ☕️ wishing ya’ll a beautiful Christmas for those who celebrate, and to those who don’t enjoy your new years! ✨ lets get into it (these pictures are so cute)

Pile 1 👀🦋: Strength • Two of Pentacles For some of ya’ll you are getting invited to a Christmas party where you’ll meet this person! This could be an office celebration at work. Maybe you already know this person and during the party you’ll find the courage to start a conversation with them. This person will dress very classy with a suit, vest, and tailored pants. If you’re not the type to go out often, you could meet this person on the way to a cafe or walking in the park! You could literally bump into them as you’re walking 😂 this person loves having fun and they will invite more of that in your life. I’m getting major homebody vibes for someone here 👀 so you may be the type to chill at home, whilst they show you the world! Ya’ll will love cozy dinner dates at home and out. It might make you feel uncomfortable at first since it’s a new environment, but over time you’re focus will shift to this person and how easy going they are. For those who love dinner dates great! This person does too and wants to go out fancy with you 💅🏻 they will spoil you! Some of ya’ll might actually be married already💍📲 and you’re receiving a surprise text to go out! Ladies, enjoy your night 🙌 if you’re not a lady, this can still resonate too!! Enjoy pile 1’s!

Pile 2 ✈️☁️: King of Pentacles • Three of Pentacles Hi pile 2’s! 🙌 This person is financially blessed and loves to bless others, especially you. They love providing, nurturing, and will support you in every kind of way. This is the person to stay for the long haul 💍✨ this person is desiring to be around you for December and wants to celebrate. They want the tree, the gifts, the whole Christmas celebration with you! If you guys met online, they still want to call you and spend time 🌟 I’m hearing Christmas music, seeing drinks, and hearing lots of laughter. Some of ya’ll know this person already, and they are coming in to reconnect 🤗 if you want this spirit is saying this is part of your Christmas gift (more to come for you) and they want you to take your time in enjoying this. Sit back and embrace the holidays! For those of you who don’t know this person, you could meet them at a family event. You could be introduced to them through a friend, sibling, cousin etc. They will talk your ear off and you’ll be invested ✨ feelings are mutual in December! They will be checking your body out a lot if you’re having a party or going to one. Lots of physical attraction here 👀 and they aren’t ashamed to admit how beautiful you are. Enjoy your Christmas pile 2’s! 🦋

Pile 3 💗🎄: Three of Pentacles • The Hanged Man Hi pile 3’s! Welcome to your December love predictions 🦋💗 this person could be your childhood best friend coming in. They want a deeper intimacy with you, and they love enjoying time with you. If you guys spent time with each other in the past they are reflecting on the experiences. They love how childish and silly you two were, they love carefree experiences ya’ll share 🌟✨ For others, your love life could’ve been stagnant, I’m seeing new opportunities to meet people! Lots of celebrations, new places to see, and happy moments in December. This person is silly, fun, sweet and charming. Loves to show you how much they care through gifts and quality time 🙌 when you two are together the rest of the world disappears. You could meet them out of nowhere and feel your life shifted! Might even be shocking and you’ll feel excited for this change, but curious to see where it goes ✈️ this person is patient, and doesn’t mind doing a little something extra for the holidays! You mean the world to this person and seeing you all dressed up is something they love. They want to see you dressed up 💅🏻 take care pile 3’s! Enjoy your December and the holidays 🌟✨

Thank ya’ll so much for reading this 💗🙌 December predictions are my favorite thing to do especially romance ☕️ i love a good winter romance. Add in some drama too and you got me invested 👀 feel free to reblog comment and like 🦋

Book a reading with me here 🤍

[funishment-time]

Are we gushing about our faves?? Because I love……Keebo 🩵

I started playing V3 myself after watching some YouTubers play chapter 1 of the game, and I went into it fully expecting to gravitate toward Gonta as my favorite, but as I started actually playing the game…oh man did I latch onto Keebo hard. I’m not sure I can properly put into words how much I love that little (not) dude but I’ll try. He is the SWEETEST! And he tries SO HARD! And I love that despite being a robot and claiming to look at things logically he is actually very emotional and sensitive (and tbh if he had the ability to cry I personally think he would be like Soda and cry all the time - I say this positively), and he cares so so much and hardly ever got the same level of care in return. It always made me upset when almost everyone would bully him for no reason!! You guys are being mean to him and for what?? He just wants to be helpful and have friends!!! I also thought his whole struggle to balance between his desire to be a person and his acceptance of himself as a robot was so fascinating; he wants to understand and experience human emotions/experiences, and he wants to be seen as a person and not a machine - I constantly think about the scene where he gets on the hydraulic press to test if it’ll sense him, and him wondering about if Miu classified his Virtual World avatar as a person or object and if Miu’s electrohammers would disable him. This whole concept was clearly something he thought about a lot. And gosh I just want to give him a hug!!!!!!!! I love him so deeply!!!!!! I’m not usually a “the robot character is my favorite character” type of person but my goodness he stole my entire heart. I kept on thinking he would eventually snap at Kokichi after one insult too many and just punch him or something (tragic that that never happened and there was never a true Keebo and Kokichi fallout after all that buildup). And while I was elated by the Ultimate Hope Robot reveal (I felt so proud and joyful!!!) and the fact that I actually got to play as Keebo briefly, the ending of chapter 6 fucking broke me, I was devastated that he lived for so long just to be taken away literally at the last minute. I understand the sacrifice story-wise but man it fucking broke my heart

Anyway, kind of a long rant to dump in your box, but I just love Keebo so so so much and wanted to share 💚🩵💚🤍 obsessed with him and could talk about him for hours tbh

keeborg.......

a Very Good Lad. thank you for sharing

[itsrlymine]

Hi bb,

Presently and for the time being, this blog really is THAT BITCH lmao and you know how I know it’s legit? That ur legit?

Because I NEVER interact beyond a “like”, and if I do it’s only ever been one quick message of kudos. And look at me here now! Lmfao got me over typing out a whole ass paragraph😂 Love love love the me that is you and the aura you’re radiating! And the mirroring has been too hilarious💀 from you and all the success stories from miss girl deciding that her man isn’t some one else’s child’s father, to miss mister nonbinary feeling like they would enjoy having their friend group again, and so many more… but those two specifically had me gagged laughing my ass off when I saw them cus they were such unique reflections the way they were reflected to me that I’m not the only one “manifesting” these things and that I’m not a bad person for wanting this😌

Guys, hear me clearly on this: when it comes to intentionally aligning with that which you want to be, we gotta be honest with ourselves about where we’re actually at if we’re ever gonna get more powerful. I had to face the truth that I didn’t have enough “knowing”/“trust” to do a lot of the things I wanted to when I first “remembered” (aka learned about) the “Law”. So I decided to work smarter and just work the damn “process” (of building up “knowing”) until I got the hang of it.

And I’m soooo excited to share that recently I was just chillin casually enjoying this blogs success stories when it started to hit me like wow look at all these birds before land lol I finally made it! From starting at damn near below zero in terms of skill in execution (back in spring of 2021), all the way to now (almost winter of 2024), it took me about 3 years give or take but babyyyyyy I made it🙌

And the craziest part is it’s only just the beginning🤯 don’t get it twisted, over these past 3 years theres actually been a lot of manifestations that have unfolded through me, but any moment now I can feel it that some of the much more “significant” experiences I would enjoy are going to materialize in the physical and I’m honestly over here like 👁️👄👁️ like fuckkkkkkkk it’s hereeeeee? after all this time am I readyyyyyyyy????????? Lmao I’m tryna act cool and keep it chill but everybody on this blog just keeps getting me so hype it actually inspired me to participate and share a little bit for once

Which is all apart of the unfolding going on over here cus I knew personally I wasn’t gonna start participating period point blank anywhere or with anyone until I really started getting somewhere with this whole “manifesting” thing

So yeah just a little contribution to add to the mix of all the happiness and celebrations that everyone is enjoying here together on this blog

See you all again soon, probably with some success stories or pointers that might ✨inspire✨ someone

-🪽🤍🪽-

Hello 🪽🤍🪽!!!!

I feel like I deffo "started" journey around that time as well. Thank you so much for your wonderful message my love! Thank you for proving how legit my page is. I'm honored to have your stamp of approval!! Miss mister nonbinary is f*cking insane babe. Ummm💀

We are deffo not the only ones looking to experience something new and is is great being able to see the reflections in others. Once you know you are that which you want to experience, literally everything falls in line and there is no work to no done.

Don't try to keep it chill. Be hype asf! That's why we are all here!!!

[tommydarlings]

'till death do us apart | a.b

pairing: husband!austin x wife!reader

warnings: none

check this out: my masterlist <3 // my ko-fi to support me! <3 // my PayPal to support me! <3 // my Patreon to became a member! <3 (get access to +20 works) // Save a Life carrd made by me! <3

austinbutler

Liked by y/n_butler and 1,492,011 others

austinbutler gave you my hand, my heart and finally my last name ❤️ I love you 'till death do us apart y/n butler, that’s what I’ll promised you in church and what I’ll promise you now. ❤️❤️

View all 803,091 comments

y/n_butler ❤️❤️❤️

carterjenkins congrats man! 🎉

austinbutler thanks cj!

ashleytisdale BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!! thank you for letting me be a part of that wonderful day!! 🥹

bazzzzyluuuuhrman344 I AM OBSESSED WITH THESE PICTURES OH MY GOD-

lizzycazzy The things I would have done so I could have been at their wedding 😭

bradypeoq @lizzycazzy SAME 😭😭

ashleytisdale

Liked by austinbutler and 590,379 others

ashleytisdale I can’t tell you in words how thankful I am to know you and be able to call you my best friend! 💕 wish you and austin the best, you two truly deserve it! 🥹💖

View all 330,010 comments

y/n_butler You’re gonna make me cry ash!! 😭 thank you so much for standing by my side during that special day 🥹💛 love you to bits 🫶🤍🤍

austinbutler love the picture 🤍

sassylydia00 ASHLEY AND Y/N's FRIENDSHIP IS SO SWEET 😭🫶

ashleytisdalefan19 @sassylydia00 FR, BEST FRIENDSHIP IN HOLLYWOOD!! 😭😭💖💖

y/n_butler

Liked by sydney_sweeney and 909,628 others

y/n_butler finally able to change my last name on here! 🤭😆 so thankful for all these girls staying by my side during this utterly beautiful day! 🥹🤎 you were the best!!!

View all 500,881 comments

ashleytisdale 💕🥹🫶 butler suits you better honey!! 🤭

zendaya thank you so much for inviting me and Tom and ashley is right!, butler definitely does suit you better! 😆🤍🤍

sydney_sweeney still in total awe with your dress, Mrs. Butler!! 😭🫶 (as you can see in the third picture…) 😅🤭

tomholland2013 hopefully you and austin will be invited to z's and mine wedding soon!! 😌

zendaya @tomholland2013 did you just ask me to marry you over the comment section of y/n_butler's beautiful Instagram post about her wedding?

y/n_butler I hope he didn’t…

austinbutler @y/n_butler me too, to be honest, Listen @tomholland2013 don’t do that man…

Dallaskoosa WILL THERE BE A ZENDAYA HOLLAND SOON?!?!?!

tinalovvi IMAGINE TOM AND ZENDAYA MARYING AND AUSTIN AND Y/N BUTLER GET INVITED AND WE GET FEED WITH HOLLAND AND BUTLER WEDDING CONTENT!!! 😭🥹😭

harryholland not my brother being in his spoiling era again 🤦🏻‍♂️

lifeisaloha my mate is not only spoiling movies, I see… 🤨🙄

bazluhrmann

Liked by butler!news and 420,591 others

bazluhrmann what an experience to see my boy getting married to the love of his life! 🥹🥹 never seen you happier, aus!! 💙 you two deserve all the love you get 🤍🤍🤍

View all 129,867 comments

austinbutler love you, baz 💙🤍

y/n_butler best dancer on the dancefloor 😆🤎

austinbutler @y/n_butler excuse me? I thought that I was the best dancer, sweetheart???

y/n_butler don’t take it personal Mr.Butler…

austinbutler But I actually do Mrs. Butler…

bazluhrmann Shushh, lovebirds. We don’t want y/n to have to take her old last name back, right austin?

austinbutler never, I’m never gonna let her go and let her change her last name, not in a million years.

jellyfish556 AWWWWW 😭😭

sarahmiller SCREAMING-

butler!news

Liked by tomholland2013 and 311,929 others

butler!news Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s official! We got a new Butler in the house!! Big congrats to Austin and Y/n Butler to finally throwing the wedding of a lifetime and sharing some of their most beautiful and special moments with us!! 🤩 pshh 🤫 you can find more pictures and videos of their wild and lovely wedding if you click on the first link on our profile! 😆😆 and for now, please enjoy how Austin butler is looking with a wide and stunning smile at his gorgeous new wife y/n butler! 😍🥰

View all 94,255 comments

elvisfan4ever LOVE HOW HE'S SMILING AT HER 😭😭🫶🫶

y/nbutlerfan44 you see how happy he is, I think I’ve never seen him smiling that widely :‚)

hannah-spenn prettiest Hollywood couple imo 🤭🥰

austin_elvis1999 If they should get a child one day, then it'll be the most beautiful kid in the entire world, that’s for sure

elvisfan4ever @austin_elvis1999 Imagine being able to say that you're parents are y/n and austin butler 😭🥹

y/nbutlerfan44 @elvisfan4ever OMG, RIGHT-

➽──────────────❥

[pastara-cell]

Me when someone willingly asks me to drop my hyper fixation head-canon list: (im so normal about them i swear 🙏)

Okay so, i’ve found out that despite these being rather new headcanons (made within the last 2 months) they’re rather outdated 😔. I based a lot of them on a story i made for them, which i now see as SUPER ooc, so i’m sharing around 2/3 of my list now, and dropping the other 1/3 when its updated to fit more towards the actual characters, rather than based off my silly little daydreams

—————-

General story headcanons:

——-

>They started talking to eachother after school, because sean stayed after school to clean the music room, and drew had detention. They both left around the same time, which meant they bumped into eachother. Drew wasnt too outwardly hostile to sean (considering that sean’s older, and the only music club member he doesn’t actively tease), so sean took some time to question him on stuff. long story short, they had a heart to heart, figured out they didnt hate eachother, drew started staying after school to hang out with him, and they got together after a while (I have a whole ass story but this is a summary of it)

>The relationship is kept rather secret from the music club and the dromies. (Music club because they dont necessarily love drew, and the dromies because they’re little shits and would tease Drew endlessly/pos)

>Sean’s helping drew out on his redemption arc. they talk a lot, sean makes sure he isnt overthinking or blowing situations out of proportion. Drew’s extremely grateful for it, and as a result, is a lot less stressed out. (We love communication and healthy relationships 🙏🤍)

>They bonded a lot over shared home-life issues, specifically with parents and no siblings. Drew and sean both shared their experiences with being the authority family-figure in their friend group (sean being the ‘big brother’ of the music club, and drew being the ‘dad’ of the jomies)

>Drew’s love languages are quality time and giving gifts, while sean’s are quality time and doing acts of service. Safe to say they both love spending time together, and do it often

Random ass headcanons that are canon because i said so/silly:

——-

>They play Nintendo games together, VERY specifically Nintendo games. Sean likes the soundtrack and the controls, and Drew is down to play literally any game ever so long as he’s spending time with him

>Sean stays over at drew’s house a lot when things get rough at home.

>When sean comes over on rough home nights, Drew cooks for him and absolutely pampers the shit out of sean. Heated blanket, meals if needed, snacks, gifts, and lots of cuddles and hugs. Sean enjoys it, but makes sure that drew sits down and just spends time with him without overworking himself

>Neither of them are big on kissing, not that they’re necessarily against it, but they prefer holding hands, cuddling, or handshakes. They have the most epic handshake ever actually, the most ever one to ever exist and its theirs

>They both love toread e-books, so they tried to do it together one time, but sean takes his time and drew is a speedreader. Safe to say that it was a one time thing

>Drew and sean have a joint minecraft server together, they both live in the same house. Drew does all the fighting, and sean does all the building. Neither of them can do redstone

>Sean calls drew “beau” as a petname, drew calls sean “babe”

>They text a lot, but due to their relationship being secret, they have eachother saved as ‘Jimmy’ and ‘scott’/ref and say that they’re just friends in seperate states. (I love you flower husbands…)

>Drew helps sean clean out the music room occasionally after school, but is EXTREMELY wary of his surroundings, just incase anyone would walk in. Sean isn’t as worried

>Sean very often reassures drew that besides school, drew is his top priority, and that he means the world to him. Drew enjoys this greatly, but wont admit it.

>Sean can read drew’s rbf perfectly

>Daisy mayyyy or may not know that they’re together. “Perhaps they’re really good friends?” (That girls got eyes everywhere…/vpos)

>Drew and sean text eachother during passing periods, and during lunch, and occasionally in class

>Seans really good at science, whereas, drew’s a lot better with language arts. They help eachother out on tests, but neither of them are good at math

>adding onto that, Drew’s in an advanced english class (he learns with seniors) so he managed to pull a few strings to get into sean’s class. (They sat next to eachother ‘on accident’)

>sean’s very set on open communication in their relationship, which drew is new to. They’re both going through it together, and guess what, mr plum over here is gonna heal 💪🔥 (slowly, but surely)

>Sean helps drew out with genshin events

>does Sean propose to drew after he gets his dipoma and heads off to college in another state because i said so and these are my headcanons? Yes, yes he does 🔥🔥/silly

>Engagement is kept a secret until Drew graduates as well, he thanks ‘his fiancée’ when receiving his diploma

———

I skipped out on a lot of em, but its taking too long to write all of these out so i’ll put more in the next wave and fill in their story a bit more 👍👍

I love them guys they deserve the world….(angst fic coming soon/j)

( @rosypenguins )

[lostinvasileios]

Hi! I’m sorry if my question seems to be silly, but I really was wondering.

Have you ever saw and/or heard you deities? How do you do that? I’ve never experienced something like that, but I see people sharing this sort of experience. Like… they can describe appearance, voice etc of their deities. How? I fully rely on my gut in my journey, but I do wish to see, hear and know my deities in face. So, if my question doesn’t bother you, could you share your experience and tips, please?

Thank you!

Hello there, lovely!! Your question isn't silly at all, don't worry. Thanks for asking. 🤍🌼

I indeed have! I've seen/felt and heard my deities before. And, the process to be able to do this is different for everyone.

But, for me, it took countless hours of meditation with them, I was spending so much time focusing on my already existing abilities. Like my active imagination, my sense of visualization that came from that, and so on and so forth which would eventually allow me to begin to see my beloved deities. Being able to recognize their energy soon led me to being able to comprehend their voices and feel their touches. Then that got me into the process of being able to see them.

Gut feelings are actually one of the ways you can get to learn your deities appearance as well. You could try and picture them from whatever comes to mind. A pop culture artwork of them, maybe a livened version of their statue, someone pretty on Pinterest with a few extra features, ect. Deity appearances are very fluid, and can change depending on any factor, so there's no pressure on finding out what they "exactly" look like. Because, they have no exact look. Just take whatever feels best for you. That's what it will come down to most of the time, anyway. What resonates. Like always, lol.

Actually, for about 6 months of being able to see them at first, I couldn't register their voices outside of when they would speak. If that makes sense, lol. Like, I'd understand it when they'd talk to me, but when they weren't speaking, I couldn't recall their voice, just what they had said. Sometimes, their appearance will do the same. You'll see it in the moment, you'll feel or hear them in the moment, then whenever that interaction/meditation ends - so does the...sensation? of them. You know?

For some part of my time with Apollon at first, I'd simply spend my time scrolling through Pinterest for pictures that reminded me of him. I kept them in a sort of e-altar board for him so I could go back and refresh my mind if I was having trouble seeing him in my imagination. Since, sometimes, it helps to simply - daydream of their appearances. At least for me. Getting more used to their eye colors, their body languages, imagine them speaking to you every now and then to try and have their voice be easier to comprehend, stuff like that.

Don't rush it, I can almost guarantee that you'll see and sense your deities in these ways eventually. However, they know what's best in the end. Seeing deities, feeling them, hearing them, ect - can be quite the energy drainer because of how high frequency they are and whatnot. Even if they lower themselves to some extreme degrees to be able to show themselves to us in these ways. So, if you aren't experiencing it just yet, that's probably because you aren't ready for it. Comprehending deities is a difficult task for anyone at first, and can be a persistent struggle even over months. And that's perfectly fine. Because these are celestial beings of the stars and all that other universe-y stuff, we as humans are conditioned not to believe these astral realm things because of how unlimited it all is. Of how... Ironically unbelievable the experience is.

So, even when you're sensing them, your brain will be like "mm...no" most of the time when you're first getting the hang of it. Out of the want to protect you and whatnot.

Deities will 9/10 times try their darndest to help you comprehend them by coming in appearances of like... TV characters, like I've heard some people see Loki as the Loki from the marvel series. Or, how you see book characters. There's been a few times where Aphroditus has appeared to me as a fanart of Lucien from ACOTAR that I loved and made the way I see him whenever he's present in the book. Their voices just the same. They might sound like a singer you very much enjoy, or like a comfort character of yours. I could go on, but I think you get the point, haha.

I saw Apollon as the Apollo from Blood of Zeus without ever having watched or have had heard of it, I only noticed he was taking that form after I looked up his name on Pinterest, and I just went with it. Same with Dionysus. Point is, let them show themselves to you however your brain allows them. I put so much tremendous pressure on myself to perfectly memorize how my higher self looked or how my deities looked, just to be reminded how their forms are infinite. How - they don't want you to stress over that.

They don't want you to feel less because you cannot experience them in the way another devotee can, because that's them, this is you. And they love you. And they'll meet you where you're at to help you progress and grow.

My motto for this? It'll happen when it happens, and when it does - I know they'll be refreshingly, ravishingly beautiful.

I never liked surprises, but, hey. When your deity pops out with a new look entirely and it takes the breath out of you to see it - you get more accustomed to it over time, haha.

Sorry if I dragged this on, I love questions like these lol. I hope it helped!! Blessed be. 💛🤍💛

[hayqueen]

❥ THE PROBLEM WITH LABELING EMOTIONS

I really wanna have a talk regarding emotions and how we see/treat them. I don’t think this is really talked about (especially in manifestation community) so I decided to talk on this in my first post.

DISCLAMER: that these are MY opinions and I’m not trying to talk down on anyone who happens to share what I talk about in this blog. I simply personally find this an important component that I want to share and bring some awareness to ♡

That said, my point is;

Your emotions aren’t “good” or “bad”. There’s no such thing as positive or negative emotion.

Yes, you’re HUMAN! Being angry, sad, irritated, hurt etc. is there for a reason and is a very natural and normal response. I know that it’s easy to get lost in this and I actually see it happen often even outside of the manifestation community. I used to label my emotions in such a black and white way too (back when i first found out about manifestation at 14) - it didn’t affect me the best way. All it did was bring me stress and guilt at the time.

I used to feel scared to experience certain emotions by thinking they’re too “low vibrational” (because that’s what LOA coaches i’d watch used to say) - which meant that I was somehow “ruining my manifestation” and that I was “going backwards”. Happiness and satisfaction was all that I should’ve felt at all times, that’s what I understood. Hence why I personally find people telling others that their emotions are either good or bad as pretty unhealthy and concerning. I’ve already seen it have not so great effects on people because it tends to confuse them.

So please, please, please treat yourself with patience and kindness. Understand that any emotion is just emotion - they’re ALL NEUTRAL. Remind yourself that. All emotions are healthy and important; you aren’t meant to beat yourself up for feeling a certain way, that’s not what manifestation is all about either. You don’t deserve to discredit how you feel and bottle it all up. You don’t deserve to abandon yourself because you assigned a negative meaning to something natural that you’re deemed to experience as long as you’re alive. Your emotions are never against you - they’re how your body talks to you. You can’t “ruin” a manifestation with emotions either!

For example: Anger has a bad reputation overall. What if I told you that, at its core, anger is one of those emotions that actually loves you? It’s an emotion that protects you! Anger is your body’s signal that your boundary was crossed; it’s a sign you got disrespected. It’s trying to look out for you.

Therefore labeling your emotions as specifically bad or negative really puts you in a shitty mindset and simply makes living with yourself harder. Why’d you willingly want that? You can’t avoid emotions, you can’t avoid feeling. I learned that the hard way lol. Life events forced to feel my “bad” feelings, I had to learn to embrace the (what seemed like) “darker emotions” and learn to look them in the eye, accept them as a natural part of me and release them. I found another sense of peace within myself as a result. I don’t have to fight myself internally anymore. This is really another way of truly loving yourself. Emotions are part of you and you are supposed to be your best friend. You have to be your safe space, your mind isn’t meant to be your enemy. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you have, remind yourself that it’s ok and that it’s normal, it’ll pass. Take some deep breaths and you got this! 🤍

[macfrog]

Hi!! A couple things to share —

First, i just finished SCOM. You should be so proud of yourself for such an emotionally tactile story you’ve built, particularly in such a short timeline. I don't have kids and have made medical choices not to have kids, but reading this broke my heart in two thinking about how beautiful an experience this is for reader & Joel, and imagining this for myself in such a lovely way. It felt so real. I think you really captured people as they are. And I think that’s actually really hard to do in a sincere way. It’s easy to fall into dramatics as a writer, but to let feelings and experiences and nuance tell their own story isn’t easy. Idk if that makes sense but I hope it does 💕

Second, there’s so much shit going down in this fandom right now and being new to it all in the last 2 years and probably elderly at 35 years old I don’t really know what to make of it all, except to thank you for all the joy you’ve given me via your writing. I found CLM on AO3 and have since loved SoF and all your one shots. I’m not terribly vocal with comments etc bc I tend to lurk but I think you and so many other fic authors deserve so much credit for sharing your creativity and skills so freely. I have an English lit background and I’m constantly in awe of the storytelling gifts that exist across this fandom. You deserve more respect than you get and I’m sad to see so much negativity. Please know there are more supporters than you might think ❤️

hello! i hope you're well, non. this is so kind of you, thank you so much 🤍

that's what fiction is for, right? planting our feet in these worlds we wouldn't otherwise know, living through the characters. playing pretend for a little while. i had a lot of fun doing that while writing it so i'm honored you had the same fun reading it!

your second point - please feel free to lurk away for as long as you like! i totally get those feelings with everything that's been going on. it can be a lot sometimes. there are countless incredibly talented people who are genuinely wonderful humans in this corner of the internet, and i wish we all felt a little more comfortable to just exist and post our silly stories here.

i really, really appreciate you saying that 🤍 my vibe on here has always and will always be that as long as you're kind, you're welcome around here - in whichever way you'd like to be. lurk, like, reblog, send a message. whatever you feel comfortable doing, i'm more than happy for you to do. i think a lot of writers would feel the same! x

[hollownoire]

Current W.I.P's and Future Plans! Exciting Shit!

A lot of ya'll may have noticed I've been kind of quiet or otherwise preoccupied lately, and that's because there's a ton of really exciting stuff I'm currently working on! :3

There's a lot I wanna share, so for those of you who are interested this post is gonna go over all of the stuff I've been doing lately, a glimpse at what things might look like for me down the line.

TL:DR : Taking art more seriously, tons of art studies and practice, just finished moving, drawing projects and W.I.P's, working on making a YouTube channel and picking up filmmaking?!?!?!?!

So, a bit ago I set off to do this 30 day "learn to draw" practice/routine/program thing by Marc Brunet on YouTube.

I picked it up because I've felt like I lacked a lot of knowledge regarding space and perspective that you'd typically learn practicing the fundamentals of art. I understood that I needed to make things look three dimensional, and had the smallest grasp on how to do that, but the core understanding and experience was something I lacked.

For anyone trying to learn how to draw, I highly recommend checking out this video and giving it a go! I'm not going to go over every single day's exercise I did, partly because I didn't actually finish the whole program... (There's so much to do lately hnngn)

But, I made this thing! Tada!

I'm also delving into making my first drawing timelapses in clip studio with these next couple of projects I'm currently working on...

One of them being a commission for a friend's DnD character, a sort of gambler themed vigilante called "Vermillion" that was made for my DnD setting, Benediction. Here's the progress I have so far on our resident card-thrower:

...Neat, right? This drawing was one of the most recent ones where I'm really trying to challenge myself with perspective, foreshortening, and composition work. I've fallen in love with painting and you'll most likely see it as a permanent addition to my art style.

A lot of that is thanks to Bluebiscuits, who's art style has been a massive inspiration to mine for a very long time. Their art guides have been invaluable to my creative growth, and they deserve all of the support they could possibly get.

They have a patreon, so maybe check that out if you're interested in their work. :>

The other big project I'm working on is actually design work for a very important character I'm making. This is tied into the potentiality of YouTube and all that would entail, so bare with me for this next part.

It's a kind of...mascot, of sorts. An evolution of my avatar(s) that I've been fucking with on and off for years at this point. It's kind of important to get that nailed down, because...well, it's the first thing people are gonna see when they check out my stuff, so, I needed to make a "face" for my art.

Especially if I want to do YouTube. Which...I do! I've wanted to have a creative outlet like that for a while. I have tons of things to say and share, and a lot of it would probably be best off in video format.

Plus, then I get to have an excuse to design an eldritch girl-thing to be on screen and talk for me. Yeah, the second project is a RantSona. I mean...it's more than just a rantsona, but this design has been workshopped to be used for that...while also doing other important things! Like being a hot eldritch horror-lady generally. A suitable vessel for my creative endeavors >:3

Meet "Hollow", or, I guess the early blueprints of Hollow. Hollow-to-be if you will:

Presto! What will most likely end up being my..."Mascot"? My avatar...thing. Me. Me but way cooler.

On the side there you can see some early attempts at making a good "talking mouth", all of which....didn't...look great. Mouths are hard it turns out! Even harder when you're making a puppet for entertainment purposes.

One day, one day there will be a marketable Hollow plush. One day.

I still have tons of work to do, I mean, look at this shit:

I have a lot to do. That drawing up there is the result of like...over a couple of weeks of design-work, reference gathering, and notetaking.

Which you cant get a little looksie at down here:

This was the early framework for giving myself direction. Haven't really ever done something like this for an art project, so it's been really damn cool seeing where it's led me. I'm definitely going to be using this kind of "set up" going forward for my creative endeavors.

In a way it feels like all of my progress so far was put to the test. I buckled the fuck up and really started trying to chisel at something...big. I made myself a work schedule, a posting schedule, and am (trying) to wake up at 9:00 every day to squeeze in as much time as possible.

I'm getting side-tracked, but, yeah! Framework! Moodboards! Milanote:

Milanote is actually fucking GOATED, I'd be absolutely crippled trying to make this project work without it's help. Those two little design sheets I made by hand in clip studio took honest to god days to make, when I could have used Milanote to just make a mood board...reference....thing...instead.

I ended up doing that regardless, cause I needed to make a vibe board to refer to during the building of Hollow's outfit/body design, which is also the stage I'm currently on in the whole process.

Literally all of it is just drag-and-drop. I didn't even need to download all of these images, cause Milanote just lets you drag an image off of a website and shove it in that bitch all easy-like. It's incredible.

You can add text, links, images, yadda yadda yadda, this sounds like a sponsorship but I am in fact just sharing the gospel of this unit of a website. It's good, it might help you, check it out? Do whatever you want.

Anyway, after making a good enough pool of references I started working on Hollow's body/outfit. I'm extra, so I wanted something eye-catching that won't...hopefully...be too distracting in a video. I mean...well, if its distracting in a bad way. I do like having eyes on me, after all. ;]

I've been rambling, so I'm going to try to be more concise from this point onward.

In order to really nail the character design I need to communicate the important bits effectively. That means a strong silhouette, shape language, design, and conveying the character properly. I mean, I'm trying to make an eldritch horror girl, here, if you can't tell that on first glance I did something wrong.

In summary, I gave myself six dummies to practice on. Using my candy pile on milanote I pick and choose various elements from designs I like and incorporate them into my own while keeping in mind the important elements I listed in my outline from earlier.

Ideally, by the time the sixth is finished, I'll have a good idea of what I like and don't like about each one, and can compile all of that into a "Pre-final draft" where I put it alllll together :3

The main thing is I'm trying to make her clothing look like it's a part of her. Kind of organic. Able to be changed at her will, her skin, basically. So there's lots of carapaces and warframe-like skin material there.

I'm very pleased with how it's going so far. Even just the second iteration looks fuckin' fantastic imo. Very Arrancar/Vasto Lorde (From Bleach). Good shit.

That's basically it. I probably skimmed over a lot of stuff, but at this point the caffeine and vyvanse is wearing off, and I'm crashinnnggg.

Before I go, the film I'm making. Yeah, so I needed practice learning a video editing software, especially if I was going to fuck around with a rantsona, so I've been editing a ton of Lethal Company footage I've saved over...quite a long damn time.

I wanted to do something a little bit more on-theme with me, my aesthetic, and the shit I want to do in the future, rather than just mash a bunch of "hehe funnies" together and call it a day. There will still be some of that, it is lethal company after all, but I wanted to be a little bit more dramatic than that...

The result is a meta-ey surreal analog horror style experience with some elements of an ARG. The primary premise is an artist's descent into madness, the game being "haunted", the power of belief, and artistic depictions of very real struggles I and many others have. Depression, isolation, loneliness, feelings of disconnection, and other things of that nature.

I find the contrast very fascinating. I've even reached out to several...oh god what's the word...? Music artist. Not musician. People who make digital music, like game OST's. Those.

I reached out to some people including a close friend of mine and "CAMA", one of the folks who contributed to making the sound overhaul mod "Lethal Resonance" for lethal company, for permission to use music, or in my friend's case make original music for the film. (My sentence structure is falling apart, I'm so sorry I'm almost done).

Cama has a soundcloud, check it out and give them some support, their music makes my ears happy.

Okay. That's it. I don't currently have a set title for this short film yet, but I do have a placeholder (That may just end up being the actual title. I don't fucking know dude, dinner is still cooking.) that I'll leave you with,

"I am not me."

If anybody actually read all of that, congrats! You're now one of my favorite people. Take care of yourself <3

[hyunpic]

vilmaaa guess what. i had spotify on shuffle and it was playing some seori (my beloved) and then this mellow cute k-indie/rnb kinda song started playing and i was like 👀😮💘🤍 right away bc i liked the vocals + instrumental a lot but i was like. i need to wait and listen to more of the song before i check the artist and let that impact my thoughts. so i listened through the first chorus then checked and it was like ✨✨✨”miss you (hyunjin)”✨✨✨ and my heart just exploded a little liiiiike 🤍🤍🤍

i only got into skz recently + so i’ve mostly just listened to ate + past TTs. i’ve watched more videos and interviews tbh. outside of that i’ve really just listened to seungmin’s songs + music. so i truly and deeply was not expecting it to be him singing but it just made me soo happy. like even just over this brief time, i have so much respect for hyunjin as an artist/creative. and ik in his 1kr he mentioned that he’s really been dedicated to improving his vocals so i’ve been super interested in seeing his upcoming developments as a vocalist but tbh i didn’t have a strong baseline to compare against bc on the TTs he mostly raps yk. so it was suuuch a nice surprise!! i’m so glad i waited bc i was really able to appreciate and love the song devoid of anything else and then to discover that it was actually hyunjin literally made my heart squeeze i was so excited and happy.

i wanted to share with you bc i really like hyunjin sm i am super fond of him, and a lot of that is thanks to your posting about him. bc it’s so cool to see the side of him besides his stage persona. it’s such a fun and sweet experience to be discovering an artist + finding them in unexpected places + then loving them a bit more. those initial discoveries are some of my favorite moments of being a kpop fan + your blog definitely played a role in enhancing this experience so thank youuu.

hope you’re doing well + taking care!! wishing you the best always 🧡

ahhh HIIIIII the warm energy bubbling from this message is so so amazing to me… miss you such a sweet song, right? he made the song for his old puppy who sadly passed away.. it holds a special place in my heart since ive experienced that too and it always brings me a feeling of comfort whenever i listen to it. i always think about how hyunjin’s voice reminds me of the dawn, the first rays of sunrays that hit the earth when it’s still foggy, quiet and mellow outside. idk if that’s strange but that’s how his singing geeli like to me. if you liked miss you, i would recommend you to listen to his skz record “long for you” i especially love his vocals in this one!!! 😻💘

hyunjin is just the bestest. the thing you said about him wanting to improve his vocals.. i love that his drive and hunger for being better in all aspects of his life never stops. it is lovely to watch someone so passionate about his craft, cause it makes you so excited to see what’s coming in the future. there’s so many artists out there who just kind of give up on that when they achieve a certain point of fame, where they just stop caring about improving cause the fans just gas them up about how great they are and the stuff they put out starts feeling shallow. and i hope that fire of passion never dies within hyune.

im so happy you sent me this message, i hope you know it made my day 🥹🥹 i love when people get into skz and hyune and im glad i get to be a part of it with u. sometimes the kpop community feels so negative and it’s so easy to just get caught up on that but messages like these remind me that there’s so much love and positivity out there too 💘💗💓💕 pls have the bestest day <3

[gingee-tarot]

Hello Tabitha, First of all thankyou so much for your time energy and efforts it meant a lot to me and i really do appreciate it.

Now for the feedback; Before I get into details I just want to address the reading was so long and resonating like everything you said resonated so much. Okay about the connection with europe I've to admit this that I'm definitely very into this continent like I wanna travel almost everywhere and now it makes sm more sense. Wow about not being spiritual or religious that's intresting because in this life I have a deep connection with spirituality and I'm religious too. But at the same time me being strong and partical about situations and surviving makes so much sense because I'm currently this way too like strong headed, grounded and seeing how to solve the situation.

Coming to love and woah I've always received my future spouse and I have shared past lifes together so us possibly not being together makes sense in some form like seems connected if you know what I'm saying and the other hope of love and all too omg that was deep...also the other details you mentioned about animals, life and everything i don't how to explain but the reading really resonates with my current personality too like you said i still carry some wounds and all..also my personality seems similar yet different which is so beautiful even tho the reading was a little painful but I'll say beautifully painful. Absolutely written in the most beautiful way..

Coming to my current life...

Well you are absolutely right I've actually leadership roles and my placements say it too...also yes I've always seen my myself helpinothers throughout their different times and journey somehow like attacking that type of people mostly and people definitely look for my guidance..like reaching me out to help of vent all sudden out of nowhere. Coming to animals and nature I've to admit you are right here too on this part..the fact in my tropical chart I'm earth dominant too and I do feel aveey deep connection with animals and nature since I was a kid. And definitely they do help currently too. Also about past life baggages you were right on that too I'm even actually very hyper independent in this lifetime too like i got myself and I can do this all by myself..type overly independent and about loss and abandonment too and strength to move with resilience regardless. Also yess even tho i help others i don't like to show it out loud or be in spotlight to help others i just feel somehow it's my purpose to help and I don't really like showing off either.

Over-all the reading was absolutely resonating and beautiful in it's own way! I really want to say thankyou for sharing your gifts with us.

May you have an amazing week ahead. Sending good energy 🫶🏻✨🤍🧿

Hiii jasmine 💓 wow thank you so much for your detailed feedback ✨ I’m really glad the reading resonated. It sounds like a lot of your past life traits are still present in this life especially your strength, practicality and quiet leadership🌿 it’s beautiful that you have strong connection with animals and nature too.

I’m also fascinated how you mentioned your spiritual and religious connection now, it’s like this life is giving you different perspective compared to ur past life, balancing practical and spiritual sides of yourself💫 it’s cool to hear how your chart support these qualities. I feel like you’re really embracing lessons of resilience and helping others even without needing the spotlight.

Your feeling of connection with Europe and your past life there make so much sense. your connection to Europe could be your souls way of remembering those experiences even though your life is so different now.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and sending you lots of good energy too🧿���

[likesunsetorange]

omg don't be sorry for rambling pls i love hearing about what you have to say!! the fact that levi and mikasa's dynamic reminds you of you and your brother is so sweet stoppp 😭

i don't have twitter so i didn't know DOL was pretty personal to you as a writer but i love that. i can tell it's something created out of love! <3

i'm glad to hear we'll get to hear more eruri's lore in DOL omg hhahdjs, i didn't know you like them so much that makes me so happy to hear haha, i'm just so obsessed with ackermans and their men idk isayama cooked peak romance with that i think. but hey, if you ever do decide to write a full on eruri fic i will be your number 1 supporter hahdjdh 🫡

haha i’m glad someone enjoys my rambles then!!

but idk how much of the dol lore i’ve shared on tumblr, mostly because i feel like i don’t talk about dol as much on here? so i guess here’s a bit of a dol lore dump if you must!!! and just some other stuff about the fic too!

but forgive me if i have LOL but for those of y’all that maybe don’t follow me on twitter, dol was actually inspired by something that happened to me!

i mention it in the first chapter of the fic, but the whole package scenario actually happened to me with my neighbor! i used to actually kind of have a tiny crush on my neighbor (nothing crazy i just thought he was cute lol) and my package got delivered to him!! but he lived directly across from me lol so i didn’t bother knocking or letting him know when i got my package but he saw me on the ring and then came knocking on my door a few hours later asking about the package lmfao 😭 it was super awkward in my case bc my dad answered the door and i had just gotten out the shower and i looked so bad LOL it was very embarrassing and i avoided him until he moved out a month later lolbut yea i like to think of it as a little butterfly effect in my life! bc it brought me to the fandom and stuff! so dol is really special to me in that aspect, i turned an embarrassing moment in my life into something special haha

and then in actual dol, hitch annie and sasha are really a big combination of all of my female besties (i have several lol), but i have a friend group of four, and their dynamic reminds me a lot of the of the four of us!! there’s so many convos and tidbits of their friendship lore, i’ve kinda stolen from my friends and i and our stupid escapades 😭 if you read the one shot i did of mikasa’s college days, there’s a few little tidbits that are actually just about me i slipped in! i really love writing their scenes bc i think about my friends and our friendship and what they mean to me! one of my fav scenes i have planned is from a really pivotal moment i think of often between one of my friends and i!

this is me actually really exposing the fuck out of myself too LOL but for eren’s character too, i’ve honestly put some traits of all my past romantic conquests 💀 i won’t say much more than that but yea LOL

and i’ve also expressed my experiences with grief a lot while writing dol too! my own personal experiences and just in the last few years seeing how those around me have handled it as well!

i think that’s why i just love dol so much bc it’s like little pieces of my life broken into the story, i like to say dol is a love letter to those around me and the people i love! it’s from the heart truly lol it’s not perfect but the love really is there and dol at its core (or at least i hope it’s being conveyed) is about love!!! platonic familial and romantic!! but that’ll make more sense later i think haha

but i am also obsessed with all the ackerman relationships!! i’m obsessed w kenuri too!!! i think they’re all peak tbh isayama went off w them he cooked i fear. BUT THANKS SM ABOUT THE ERURI 😭🤍 YOURE TOO KIND ANON! in glad i have a shooter!!! maybe i will write a little drabble about it bc dol eruri is kinda peak to me they make me emo i won’t lie 😭🩵

[hier--soir]

hi dude. i’m sorry if this is overstepping a boundary or anything, and if you’re not comfortable sharing please absolutely delete this ask, but i just wondered if you had any advice for getting through the old d*pr*ssion. i’m really struggling right now and i’m too fucking anxious to reach out to anyone for help, just wondered if you had any words of wisdom?

your writing fucking blows my mind btw. i am honored to exist at the same time as u to witness how insanely talented you are 🤍 cheers to u

hey legend! [this is long as fuck my bad]

you wanna know something super impressive? that thing you mention that's really hard, that thing that makes us all so anxious sometimes, that sometimes fucked up sometimes painful sometimes shameful thing called reaching out ? you just did it by sending me this, and i'm pretty proud of you dude.

depression is by no means fun and games, and i'm really sorry you're struggling. i know all too well how isolating it can be. how dark it can feel. but these feelings are not forever. and these feelings are not who you are.

first, i hope it's okay that i share something that i think about all of the fucking time, that i resonate with, that i feel deep in the marrow of my bones. it's a talk wentworth miller gave at an Active Minds conference a few years back, about his experience living with and talking about depression.

“Sharing my story is, and has been, life saving for me. And it's scary, still. Because whenever I do it, whenever I write or talk about the things the younger me worked so hard, for so long, to keep quiet, whenever I find the courage to say 'yes, me too'... it's like opening a door and walking alone into a pitch-black room, and it's dark, and I have to feel my way, and it's frightening. And then I find the light switch, and I turn on the light, and I see I am surrounded. I see a room full of people. There are so many of us. In here, and out there."

there are so many of us my friend. you are not alone in this. you just need to turn on the light.

more under the cut x

something i've been doing for the past two years is journalling. i do it everyday, chicken-scrawling the most minute details and thoughts from my day. and in hard times, like the past month, i journal twice a day. i start it off in the morning with a few goals, or ideas, of what i'd like to do that day. super simple stuff. and at the end of the day, i write what i ended up actually doing. and whether or not i did or didn't achieve what i set out to do, i get to look at the beginning and end of my day and acknowledge the quietest and the loudest parts of it. it's sometimes bad and sometimes awful. but sometimes? it's great.

here's a pic of my journal one day like a fortnight ago [mind the handwriting lol]

i look back at this day and i think it was sunny, you felt love, you felt proud. and with everyday that passes after this one, i'm grateful to myself for making these entries. on days where it rains, where i do not feel love, where i do not feel proud - i look back and remember that it is possible. i've felt good things, fantastic wonderful things, and i will feel them again.

things like medication and talk therapy work for me but don't necessarily work for everyone, so i won't say these things are an end all be all. if you have the capacity, even reaching out to a doctor you feel comfortable with can help. it's worth expressing how you've been feeling and how it has been affecting parts of your life. to tell one person can feel like climbing a mountain, i know. but please trust me, the view at the top of that mountain??? fucking incredible.

if reaching out to someone in person still feels too tricky, you could access an anonymous hotline. in australia we have things like Headspace and BeyondBlue, where you can reach out over the phone or online chat and speak anonymously, for free. just get something off your chest, say anything you feel, say whatever is bubbling up with seemingly nowhere to go - to a stranger. i've accessed this kind of support before and found that it took a bit of weight of my shoulders - maybe this is something that could bring some relief to you as well. if people in other countries are aware of and willing to share their home country's version of this in the comments, that would be lovely. if not, that's also fine.

i hope this response has felt meaningful in some way for you, and not just a mess of ramblings..

i guess i’ll end this by saying i may not know you but best believe that i care for you. i believe in you, and i'm thinking about you, wherever you are. you'll get a special mention in my journal tomorrow morning x