#i actually have to force myself from playing this fucking game everyday of my life . i go on hiatus on purpose . for my mental health

[spaceandbones]

the mutuals are elder scrolls blogging i GUESS ill do another replay . If im being forced at gunpoint . If youre making me 🙄

[imsogayyippee]

18 and 40

hi i am SO sorry ive been ignoring this ask for like a month and a half. i wasnt feeling like answering asks idk why😭

Song 18: Again by Crusher-P (sorry if this is a cover and not the person who actually made it, I've seen other versions and idk if this is the original but this is the one I listen to lol)

this is more of an alex song than a timlex one but anyways!!!!!!!!!!

"I haven't been myself lately/I don't blame you for not wanting to stay/Saying things that I don't mean, not meaning what I say" "What am I supposed to say/When I end up driving everyone away?"

pre mh alex slowly growing more like,,, aggresive or whatever because of the operator

"Cause I am on fire/A crying, burning liar/Seeing nothing/Nothing/But myself/And I'm the one with the lighter!"

self explanatory. I do feel like this kind of works as a way to show their parallels though

"God, what happened to my heart?/I'm about to fall apart/Again, again"

Alex thinking he's unfixable/incurable from what he's done. Maybe this would be post-MH and the fall apart thing is like falling apart even when he tried to better himself.

"And you're never coming back/And I'm not okay with that/And I should've never let myself get attached/Again"

I wasn't really gonna include this but since this is supposed to be about Timlex. I will. Tim and Alex separating, each going their own ways, after Alex dropped the production of MH and maybe Alex eventually thinking back on that?

"What's done is done/And nothing's gonna change/I should be moving on/But I still feel the same"

Alex forcing himself to not think about the people he's killed/what he's done.

"And it's like everyday is a fight for my life/To get some self-control/And when you've forgotten who I am/It just feels, it just feels/Like I'm nobody at all"

Again, post-MH Alex being encouraged to try and better himself (by Tim), but after what's happened, he's never gonna go back to what he was before MH. Even if Tim probably wouldn't expect this, knowing that after what they've both gone through, they probably couldn't "go back to how they were before", Alex would still think that's what Tim thought would happen.

"I found myself hitting the ground/I held my breath incase I drown"

Kind of a stretch, but it's like implied(? that the operation sickness symptoms mimic drowning, such as the coughing and stuff. I mostly got this from night mind's videos lol

"I should've known when to let go/And when to see who I was being"

Alex maybe thinking back(? to how he should've tried to get help when he noticed himself growing more paranoid, aggressive, etc because of the operator.

--

Song 40: Dead Girls by Penelope Scott

This song to me is more "Tim after MH" than anything else but yeah. It's more in here specifically for timlex because of like one line so. oopsies :3

"Sometimes I see her on the sidewalk/Biking on the wet chalk/Spelling out their names/And I feel insane/Cause I know it's just a game that I'm playing with my brain/I don't see her, but I see her/And I know it isn't real"

Tim after MH hallucinating/having nightmares about Jay/Brian/Alex.

"But I fake it anyways/Pull a smile and wave/Nod and look away/Wait for it to fade/But it happens all the time/People say it's fine/My roommate says they're killing us/But we're killing ourselves"

Him ignoring the hallucination/nightmare or maybe playing along with it(? to at least pretend that they're still alive. I know they don't really interact much in post-MH, but the roommate thing could refer to Jessica? Since it's kinda like. excluding her from "people say it's fine", which would make more sense since she actually went through MH too lol

"I'm surrounded by/Dead girls on the road/Dead girls on my phone/Dead girls, where do they go?/All of the fucking/Dead girls, all around/Dead girls in my town/Dead girls, I don't know/Dead girls, where do they go?"

"On the road" could refer to Jessica, still alive but a reminder of MH. "On my phone" well. marble hronets channel. "Where do they go?" could refer to the ark? lol

"And it'd be wrong to say I miss them/I didn't really know him/I just had a couple friends who say they knew him well/He'd seemed like something special/Really, don't they all?/I guess before you're gone, it can be kinda hard to tell"

THIS IS THE TIMLEX LINE!!!!!!!!! Tim might start feeling like he misses Alex even if (in this song's case) they didn't date before MH nor did they really know each other. He'd probably start thinking about how Alex was literally just some guy and then he had to go through something similar as Tim, but he just 'couldn't handle it well'.

"And if all you ever see are dead girls/If all you hear is terrible news/Maybe it's not all about them, the dead girls/Maybe it's more about you/The living need attention too"

In a way, this could be seen as how Alex said that Tim was the source: "if everyone around you gets operator sickness, why do you think it is?"

--

YEAH if you wanna add anything. go ahead!!!

[borderline-gays-club]

4/24/24. 11:38am

Some recent thoughts that have been stewing in my head for a few weeks:

I’m slowly feeling my BPD symptoms shedding and dissipating from my body and soul. And this current shedding does not feel temporary but rather a beginning to a new growth.

I’ve finally delved into the roots of my shame and am really going head first into it. Already this initial step has relieved such a huge weight off of myself. I feel lighter everyday , I feel more purposeful, and closer to healing this relationship with myself. It actually feels possible to enter remission before I’m 35. Honestly I might be able to by the time I’m 30 but I’m not gonna focus too much on the age, and will continue to take the time I need.

A few things that have really been working for me:

-moving very slow: I’ve had a really bad habit for basically my whole life of moving way too fast. I have to do 10 things in a day to feel accomplished. I have to finish this difficult thing by a very short period of time etc etc. I didn’t give myself time to just exist, and my whole existence was dedicated to production and proving my worth through that. And I lost myself completely in that. I didn’t give myself time to literally smell the flowers. I would feel guilty if I leisurely went about my day without doing a productive thing. But now I’m actually understanding productivity in a different way. This production mode I was in was really fuckin killing me. Both my body and soul. My identity became even more obscure and distant to me. And now I can sit and just talk to myself for hours without feeling like I have to rush through the day. I really am more intentional about rushing as little as possible. Ofc capitalism forces us all to move too fast, but I do my absolute best to fight that speed and to always prioritize slowness and gentleness.

-actually talking about my shame and trying really hard to understand it: this one is the most recent thing I’ve finally had the ability to pursue. It’s taken so long to actually enter this phase of my understanding of myself, and I’ve known how crucial it is but I was just too scared. This one has been really fucking hard to break through and I’m just starting so I don’t have much to say yet. But I’m moving through the process: no matter how painful the truth is more important than hiding in myself and being secretive. That has been the reason for this rot I’ve felt in my body for so long.

-doing things that are purely pleasurable and that are fully self ignited: when I say fully self ignited I mean something that doesn’t rely on outside things. And I guess I’m still trying to find a better way to say it, but I’m thinking of pleasure that doesn’t rely on things like substances or addictivite people or etc. basically pleasure outside of addictive highs whatever the source of that is. Cus even video games or food can be addictive which I’ve talked abt before. For example things I’ve found the most pleasurable have been things I make or actively participate in. Like writing stories, or singing, or boxing etc. I’ll find a better way to describe this one but hopefully I’m getting the idea across.

-revisiting and participating in childhood interests and joys: this one has been so healing for me in terms of understanding identity. I feel like the moment I started to lose a sense of self was when I started to try really hard to be liked and accepted instead of doing what I do and finding like minded ppl. So revisiting childhood interests has been reminding myself of what was important to me before I started to absorb others. It’s a good starting point to build upon and to shed all the ppl I’ve absorbed throughout most of my life.

-treating myself like I’m in a full time dedicated relationship with myself: I take myself out on dates. I have a dedicated day every week that is just for me, my solo day. I do whatever I want when I want. I eat what I want, I play my games that I want, I watch what I want, etc. and even throughout the week I’ll have moments where I get a nice coffee for myself or do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but haven’t been able to. This isn’t like necessary lol but I do kinda treat myself like 2 ppl and will have full convos with myself. It helps to think of myself as 2 bc then I can feel like I’m caring for another while also caring for myself.

-reading/listening/learning abt vast range of topics that eventually overlap with BPD related things. Basically diversifying my sources of knowledge instead of boxing myself in just psychiatry/therapy worlds: this one took a long time bc the immediate resources you find when you just Google BPD fuckin suck. And everything that is easy to find is stuck in DBT and western thought. With that said, DBT has definitely helped me a lot, but I think it was best as an introduction rather than the full solution. I mean I remember being like huh?? When I found out that DBT was treated like a bible within BPD treatment. I knew deep down that relying on one method to treat such a vast range of experiences is not realistic. There’s no such thing as one size fits all. Every individual is too complex and layered even with the same diagnoses. But I will say it’s very tricky to navigate finding other ways of treatment/understand self bc it can be easy to fall into traps of cultish ideologies or “self help” things that are really actually fucked up and make you regress. Outside of DBT stuff though a lot of things that have helped me better understand myself has been general emotion science, anything that really analyzes shame, reading books abt my own specific sources of shame, disability justice, and idk a lot of other stuff! I still haven’t allowed myself to get into reading abt spirituality stuff cus I’m just not ready yet. But slowly I’ll get there to better understand where I come from and where my lineage lies.

-finding and maintaining community: this one is also hard in the beginning and tbh is not always possible. But the more I grow, the easier it becomes to maintain relationships that eventually lead to a community. Like my immediate community is only 3 ppl including myself but even just that has been so amazing. We all have slowly learned how to support each other esp as we are all neurodivergent and disabled and it’s been genuinely beautiful. I’m lucky to find the friends that I have, and I’m also so happy to be in a place where I can healthily support my friends too. And now I’m able to look for community in different ways. And I’m also at a place where I can set boundaries with others and a lot more quickly sniff out red flags and keep distance when it’s needed.

Anyway I’m really proud of myself to be in the place I am. I really could not see a future for myself until Mayb like 2 yrs ago and now I’m more hopeful than ever. It’s been so fucking hard but I’m so grateful that I have been dedicated to change. And!! Not to mention I haven’t been able to go o therapy as much as I wud like bc im broke as shit, but I’m still able to grow on my own in a steady pace. And now I’m really seeing it in myself as I continue to work through all of it. I can genuinely say I love myself and wow I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid probably (excluding euphoria and manic episodes lol). Thank u to anyone who’s read this far and I wish you the absolute best in your own healing journey.

[nathank77]

10/28/24

6:54 p.m I added what i wanted to say to it..

6:35 p.m

My mom has been bringing the dog out with the gate closed and she got out of a hole in the fence.... and ran all over the neighborhood again. I didn't help. I didn't know about it until she got in. I've completely uninvolved myself with Riley for a reason.

As if things can't get worse she fucking got recontaminated with potential poison ivy. But then again i mean she prob gets exposed to it everyday in the yard.... who knows.

I feel fatigued. I felt this way around this time yesterday but I forced myself to play world at war. I mean bc I wanted to game. I figured it was the red bull... too much caffeine. But I didn't have too much today.

I have a slight headache on one side of my head. I'm wondering if the bird shit caused me to contract something... idk... no new meds or anything... and I've had a weird muscle spasm happen about once daily in my leg in the same spot near my junk. Part of me wonders if it's from the folic Acid? Or maybe it's from the bird shit? Or idk... I have no clue.

I'm retrying one of the statins soon BEFORE I try the injectable chlorestoral medication. I'm scared of it. It's only been on the market for like 8 years. I'm young and It makes me nervous. Sometimes long term use leads to long term side effects they didn't know about..... and I'm young.

To add to this, I started taking an asthma/allergy med when I was younger, cause my allergies were unbearable. I was sick constantly. I started a daily medication. And I find out 10 years later which made me promptly stop it that it had a black box warning of causing obsessive compulsive disorder.... so I had ocd symptoms in my teens.... but I actually believe that this med caused my ocd to go full swing bc of when I started to take it and when my symptoms became unbearable and ritualistic. Within a year of starting the med my allergies and asthma was great but I become full blown OCD CLINICALLY. When before I exhibited some symptoms but I could function. Maybe it would have happened regardless.. I'll never know.... but I think it had something to do with it........ I started it around 21 or so.... by 23 I was full blown clinically ocd.

Anyways that's why I don't want to do the injectable chlorestoral medication.... who knows what will surface over the years as people take it since it's new to the market.

I hope the statin doesn't cause muscle twitching or spasms..... I mean cause my chlorestoral really is bad. It's very bad. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I was. But it's bad enough that I got to try something. I haven't started it yet... I'm going to soon. It's not the same one that caused all the twitching... I took this one for 4 days had one muscle spasms and never touched it again. I mean and that day was a red bull day where I had drank 2 red bulls. I'm trying to be positive about it.... maybe if I lecture my body i won't get spasms... cause I mean I don't see myself living long if I don't treat it... but I'm truly scared of the injectable stuff..

If I have to do that injection... it gives me more time to try to set up my first dose with my PCP so I can be taught how to do it. I want to do it with a dr the first time and I want to watch how to do it in every spot so I feel safe at least with that part of it. Although I may not be willing to take it. Idk...........

I love myself but no one else loves me. I've decided I'm going to pursue looking for a full hysterectomy.... I mean get it all removed. Especially the ovaries since they produce estrogen... I'm scared but if I can't get my testosterone bc I'm hospitalized and brain dead or something if I wake up I want to still see Nathan....... otherwise I'll check out and commit suicide immediately.

Although I'm considering just dying young by choice while I still have some form of a quality of life. I can walk. I can eat. I can shower. I can drive.

Maybe i should take off with my monthly check and get a hotel or an Airbnb prob an Airbnb and then i can stay there for a few days. Live it up however I want and then commit suicide there in a remote place where no one will hear me if I scream or something. A hotel won't work. My house won't work. Idk if I'll scream or make noises. I don't want to be saved if I decide to go through with it.

I mean I know people don't get it but i know how it feels to be worthless to everyone you're supposed to matter to. Okay so Elise, I'm not supposed to matter to her. I want to matter to her.... she's not included in this speel...

I'm supposed to matter to my mom. I'm supposed to matter to my sister. I'm supposed to matter to my father. I'm supposed to matter to my family. I don't. I don't matter to anyone. I have no prospects for dating and I've tried okay? I'm really trying. Like really super trying. One of these days I'm going to prime house... but I've been trying on dating apps..... but even if I got a girl to think I'm cute what am I supposed to tell her I do? I game and watch tv? I mean I can say i take care of my mother... but I mean I don't make money. It matters in dating.

I don't see the point. I think my remote cabin for a week and a quiet peaceful death actually sounds fair. I'll die young even if I keep fighting. I know it..

My heart is in bad condition. Besides for the calcification of one valve... I don't get enough blood flow in my whole heart from all valves... which we are trying to figure out why.....

I mean something is going to kill me and probably before 40. And I mean I've gotten to a point with my hallucination where some silence exists. Only some. I could give myself a nice little vacation and melt away into a happy death without anyone stopping me. And tbh it may be the best recourse for me.

How am I supposed to get a hysterectomy without telling my family? I have to recover at home. No one is going to help me. I want both ovaries OUT immediately. Idc about the rest of it other than for cancer risk.... but I want my ovaries out bc of estrogen production..... but yea. It's all too scary.

And I'm really fucking alone. No one cares about me. My dad and Lori have been renovating the house... they are broke and can't finish it. It's been a over a year... my dad isn't working... and I can't stay there. They actually don't have a room for me...

I actually have no where to go. And I mean I could live it up for a week in an Airbnb and just jacuzzi and swim and then off myself the last night of my stay. It sounds rather peaceful than dealing with all of this.

[dollkichi]

dust is a threat to national security! and it's made up of like 70% fecal matter like it's literally the shit of dust mites which are little bugs that live in your sheets. in fact, i have an expensive ass anti dust mite duvet because it was still cheaper than getting medicine for my allergies every month. blue is my second favourite colour after red, but it used to be my favourite. at one point in time i had around fifty shades of blue memorised purely to show other people that i was a bigger fan of blue than they were. (i am a very competitive person) i like staring at people do ordinary everyday things. humans are so cute. what's funny about my earbuds is that they're wired but wireless at the same time. they're wired to each other but function on Bluetooth. i find that funny. Fourth Wing is about a girl going to a college that prepares you for war, aptly named 'War College'. it has forced subpar romance and i hate that. the writing is also mediocre. the worldbuilding and idea is pretty good, but alas, it was doomed from the start with all the forced sexual tension. there's one line that goes, and i quote,

"*You are not attracted to toxic men* I remind myself, and yet, here I am, attracted."

what the actual fuck. why do i put myself through this. i should never gotten past the beauty (chef's kiss) of a masterpiece that was Life of Pi...

the tea was delicious! on roblox i mainly play dress to impress and doors, although i sometimes play tower defence simulator when forced by my brother. i don't play roblox a lot, but for some reason i'm picking it back up in the past few days with all the long roblox sessions. my roblox username is also cringe as hell because i made it when i was like, five 😭

my mom got free soap from her friend who runs a soap shop so i reaped the benefits. one is a regular long rectangle and dark pink, wrapped in a blue ribbon, and it smells vaguely rosey. the second is small and in the shape of a rose, in a bright pink colour. it very strongly smells rosey. the third is medium sized and has a cream coloured base with a translucent honey coloured top in the shape of a flower. it smells like orange. honestly i just bought the nightlights because they looked cool, i've never been one to use them. losing chargers is so relatable though- poor bunny nigjtlight :(

now my doll is stuck in the dark at night!~

</3

my nightlight is a Zhongli figure and my favourite genshin character is most definitely my love and light of my life Arlecchino <3

(although when Pantalone comes out its going to be him because THAT MAN IS SO PRETTY AUGHH I'M DEAD ON MY KNEES.)

-👤

SORRY FOR LATE REPLY, I WAS SLEEPING

WHAT. Dust mites are menaces and need to go. Blue and red are both very nice colors!! Memorizing 50 shades is kinda crazy though… but anything to prove that you are indeed the biggest blue fan. Being competitive over silly stuff like that is so real. Why are your earbuds like that. Why are they wired and wireless, that is so strange. GIGGLING AT WAR COLLEGE, what a creative name!! It kinda sounds like they were trying to appeal to booktok with all the forced romance and sexual tension. That’s a shame it does that tho when the idea and wordbuilding are good :(

What is Life of Pi about and would you recommend it?

I’m gonna steal your tea. I haven’t played a lot of dress to impress but I do like doors! I’m super excited for floor 2 to come out since the trailer released. There’s a game similar to doors actually that I’ve been playing, it’s called pressure. It’s well made and extremely fun! Anyways, we should totally play sometime. I wouldn’t mind playing dress to impress as long as you’re there. My username is cringe too so don’t worry… I changed it in a 2020 phase </3

Your soaps in the picture are so so pretty!! I am going 2 steal those too, mine now. I kinda wanna eat them. They look like they’d be good. They definitely sound like they smell good!!

OLD MAN NIGHTLIGHT?!?!?! Omg. Aside from being old, Zhongli is cool. Not my favorite character but also not a bad one. I love Arlecchino’s design!! She is soo pretty. She was super interesting too in the story. I’m excited to see what Pantalone is like when he comes out, he definitely is also pretty. I like his glasses and hair. I’ve always been a Venti fan since I first started playing back in 2020. I do really like Childe and Freminet + his siblings though too. I need to pick up genshin again… lost my 50/50 on Furina’s banner and I was like “I don’t wanna play anymore”, ehehe ^^;

[psalmsofpsychosis]

[ angry rant ahead ]

you know, i usually dont talk to other people much in real life right now, even less so on the internet, it takes a lot to get me on the case of disco horses and other variants of supposed "discussions". It's a strange thing because i'm actually a quite talkative person, but also in the recent 5-6 years any and every kind of expression i've had, no matter how mild or colorful it was, people [who had already decided they hated my guts] used as an excuse to justify why "they were leaving me behind". It was always my fault that i was being treated like shit; they were just reacting sensibly to me being a fuckhead.

So i learnt to control and manage and frame and reframe my expression, not because i wanted to and liked it, but because of necessity— you can only afford to be left behind so many times before it starts damaging you emotionally, mentally, and physically in many aspects.

And i actually started developing severe physical symptoms because of how much i curated and leashed in my self expression— eating up 3/4th of what i actually wanted to say and spend so much fucking energy trying to script my thoughts and opinions in a way that would be oh so accomodating and considerate and soft-spoken and mild and non-threatening and harmless and agreeable so paper-skin-and-glass-bones fuckers online and offline dont feel threatened and start crying, or start biting me for "being rude" when all i did was to literally just open my mouth and form one or two sentences.

And i'm so insanely resentful about this. I'm resentful about constantly self censoring and watering down my expressions and forcing myself down to the level of other people the way grown ups squat to talk to a child so the child feels less threatened. Constantly writing and rewriting what i want to say so it's not "too antagonistic, too angry, too vicious, too confident, too anything" —"make it friendly, light, no-big-deal, agreeable, appropriate, acceptable to the rock bottom level boundaries of this context," the voice in my head says— when the truth is, i'm so so so much more than anything i've ever shown to people online and offline in the past 6 years. I'm full of hatred and rage and i'm shameless and i enjoy it too, i can hurt people terribly and i'm good at it and this is why i'm hellbent on kindness. It's a choice, i wake up and i make this choice every fucking day, and i dont like being taken for granted. I dont think most people truly understand what "where the light is brightest the shadows run deep" means, like no, you dont understand the depth of how fucked up i can be, you take my joy and delight for granted, and you cannot live up to either. You're not my equal on either front and you lack the substance it takes to mirror my happiness or my rage– and i get very irritated when people think they're on the same ground with me, "we're so alike!" no we're not, you just feel connected to the super mega easy digestable non-threatening responses i craft for you because i know you can't handle any more than this without having a mental breakdown and making me mom you.

Like, i solid feel like everytime i want to talk i have to put on kiddie gloves and do the kiddie talk, patting people's heads like "dont be scared, dont be scared, i'm a friend, no need to panic, now we're gonna play a game in which i give you super easy hints on life being more complex and deeper than you percieve it on a surface level and you proceed to think about that for 5 seconds everyday, easy, easy." Because that's what they are to me, children. I feel like i'm talking to children all the time, and no it's not about age, it's about the way most people are so incredibly shallow and superficial and simplistic and are so depth-averse it's kinda astounishing??? Like you'll find them hanging 6475378 adornments from every branch of a tree and thinking a tree is "a collection of leaves" and they never see the roots, or water them.

And yeah i'm so incredibly resentful about all of it. I feel like i put people in cute fun little floaties in the shallow end of the pool and stay with them and we play simple games and splash water at each other and they dont know the deep end of the pool exists, they dont care, they think everyone and them and me are kiddies playing in the shallow part, "oh you're just like me, we're all the same and having so much fun here," no, i'm so much more than you at any given point in this interaction, and what you sound like to me is a child mistaking their mother as "another playmate in the kindergarten".

And i'm super fucking tired of defanging and declawing my expression all the time so i dont spook the little dainty shallow people inside or outside my phone. "but they'll get scared and they'll leave!" and you know what? good. I want them to get very, very scared. And i want them to fucking run. I'm tired of trying to cater to simple people who i dont give a fuck about, people who are merely contemplating whether i'm worth loving or not. You walk into a haunted house only when you love ghosts and want to see one, this is not a space for the faint of heart. i am not a space for the faint of heart.

[violetlighttruth]

topics of conversation were usually forgotten in the morning - if you had too much merlot. i got really crossed.

i'm awake and i remember talking to X about online dating. instead of offering actual insight, I turn into this ditty girl when I'm around him. i feel far from me, in this pursuit to love. i'm not mad nor depressed. i've just come to a crossroads.

he's the type of person who calls the shots. unavailable. easy to spook. i'm thinking of forfeiting.

no longer do I desire to be ditty. but is that all I've had with him. i became so entrenched in pseudo-love, i'm losing feeling of what's real. in terms, of like what I want. my friend described it as an extreme want of validation, which is not my definition of pure love.

X and many guys after him will not have the equipment and dictionary to love me. i guess part of dating while actively transitioning is feeling like the ground disappears sometimes. i'm on a roof in this city that is molding into different shapes as the sun continues to elevate.

all around me are jumbled projections of myself. some are completely mine and others a product of people I've come to know, like the ditty girl that asks X who X is dating. then the sun hit its peak and all my shit falls, including me (because the roof just vanishes).

my fall is cushioned by my sense of self. but things like ms. ditty fall on my face and cut ribbons through my arms and thighs

so how do I let go of those?

i fear without letting go, I'll have to leave him as a friend. my stomach hurts and I'm tired of living in such a place where for my foundation is unreliable.

no childhood to fall back on. a series of relationships forlorn. naming myself, dressing me, bathing me, calming me - I've had to.

but, in the process I"m getting to know a girl that wants to catch up so fucking bad. she's clawing, kicking water, screaming on roofts to catch up. i want a pussy.

but for now I feel like a jumble of body parts, mismatched.

so, i am not ashamed of how I relate to people. nor how I love them. because everyday I lose my footing and all I have is the choice to build a new floor.

she is a light - she is life. I've built new floors for her, she's realized her style. tight sometimes cropped tees. sometimes she wants to look like the girl from tomb raider (even though she hasn't played the game.) she cares about her relationships and it worries me at times how she loves. she's a force and sometimes gets angry when people ask her questions about her body.

she speaks with prupose when she can. she's working on it.

so i sit with her and impart a light - one containing her "incomprehensible love" that confused her immensely. especially, around boys. she contours it. paving her needs, likes,, pain points and outlined every nuance in red ink. the project reminds her of our capability to shape our love ourselves. not in a love spell way.

more so, only we know what serves us. how can i get frustrated with his inability to love me when he has no idea what my light looks like.

a bit premature, but i don't want to share my light with him.

[opie-nixx]

Arthur Morgan X Reader (CHAP. 1)

Let's be entirely honest, Life turned to shit once covid hit. Well, even worse shit, since lockdown and being stuck in a 1 bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. He didn't even seem like a boyfriend, more like a negative reality check. I stay with him because it beats being with my family. So, it seems like quite a steal to deal with the bullying and a few things being thrown at me every other week. He let me stay rent free, supplied all the food. I never had to work. If i rubbed his feet he'd throw me some cash for some personal items. It wasn't always 'bad', at first it was sweet and he mad me feel like I was the only 1 he could really love. I was happy. I guess you could say that was the "Honeymoon" stage. He talked me into moving in, which really didn't require much convincing considering they were 10 times worse than he is now. He supported me. He was my friend? He made me want to be around him everyday, almost as if I were addicted to him. I spent most of my time bedroom wallowing away into nothing but boredom and misery, once he left for work. I'd perform simple cleaning tasks.  1 thing that never failed to pull me out of boredom was my video games. That stupid cowboy game. That game never failed to pull me into my imaginative side and just ride along with the Van Der Linde gang. They had a better relationship from being strangers at 1 point to family than I had with my own lover...my own blood. The more I played the game the more I wished I could live in that reality. I may not know much about riding or shooting and even though that life seems rough, it seems like it would easier sort out who's on your side. It filled me with a sense of joy.  Couldn't I?

'Maaann, I'm getting sleepy.' 

Y/N: "I'm gonna shut this off and head to bed." I say as I get off my bed and shut off my T.V.

Y/N: "Nothin good on anyways."

I've been channel surfing and the only entertaining thing on was South Park and it was getting old. I scuff my feet across the hardwood floor and extend my index finger and press the power button. A yawn escapes me as I shuffle over to my closet and throw on some p.j's.

The T.V? It turned back on?  I stopped in my tracts, a few inches from my closet space.

.....Did the remote fall?  I turn around and glance around my bed and nightstand before turning my head to my dresser where my t.v. sits.

No? I have to get up to turn it off I lost the remote?

I slowly take a few steps towards my t.v, pausing to take a look behind me.

'Voices?'

??: "Spare you?"

??: "Can ........ spare you?"

Y/N: What the hell?" I step closer to the t.v. The static noise got louder the closer I got to it. I stop before I extend my arm to press the power button.

Y/N: I like horror movies but please for the love of fuck don't let this be somethin freaky." I take a deep breath, slowly reaching forward, the static seemingly eerily louder than feeling my own heartbeat. My finger makes contact with the power button, but when I press it, the t.v. doesn't shut off. I start to jam my index finger into the power button and still nothing.

Y/N: "What the actual fuck?" I grow more anxious, my heart thumping hard into my chest, sweat beginning to pool on my forehead as I feel my stomach do summer-salts with every thrust of my finger the louder the noises grew.

Until my finger went for another push and-

It goes threw it? A bright white light engulfing where my hand is blinds me a bit.

Y/N: "What the fuck?" I whisper to myself. I pull my hand out, the static noise continues, but I can hear more noise

??:"I know a girl in valentine!" My eyes widen at the realization

"How is tha-!" I feel a strong force pull me towards the static, almost like my whole body was a magnet to my t.v.  I didn't have time to even think and nothing to grab onto. I get dragged by an unknown cold force right into the static. I shut my eyes from the white blinding light. Cold air rushing all around me and gravity seeming to pull me down. With little time for me to process anything and no way to calm my bodily reaction to being scared shitless and sucked through a white orb, I feel my stomach churn. 1 hand clenches my stomach and the other covers my mouth. I shut my eyes as wind begins to rush through my hair. The feel of the air seemed to change temperature. Cold to a muggy warmth that seemed welcoming. I try to take a peak, but immediately shut it once I notice I'm getting closer to the ground.

Falling...

...I'M FALLING!!!

Y/N: "AUGHHHH!" The ground seemingly to get closer and closer the louder I screamed.

Thud! A weak wheeze leaves my throat. The ground meeting my back

Y/N: "There has to be a better landing than that." I groan out rolling onto all 4's as I vomit all the contents of my stomach. I cough and wheeze a bit, teary eyed. I attempt to take a deep breath which contained wheezes and some groans. I look up to take in my surroundings.

Noise of creaky carriages being pulled and people talking amongst each other fills my ears as I begin to notice the scent of moist murky air and animal shit begin to fill my nostrils. My eyes dart around looking at everything.

Y/N: "Valentine?" I question as I begin to sit up a bit more. I notice the fence in front of me.

'I must be behind the sheriff's office.' I squat behind the fence to hide my appearance.

'I'm not in the proper attire to blend in with this time period.' I lift myself up a bit taking a small peak to look for anyone who may be looking in my direction. I stand up from my spot once I think the coast is clear. I make a B-line inside the sheriff's office. I slam the door shut behind me, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. My eye's meet the back of the head of a man with a tan coat and brown pants in front of a cell a few feet in front of me.

'That must be the sheriff.' The man turns around.

"Can I help you miss?" The sheriff asks in a questioning tone and a raised eyebrow. My eye's widen

"I'm really here." I mutter to myself in disbelief.

Sheriff: "What was that?" I smirk to myself as I begun to remember the type of man he is. I push myself off the door and take a few steps towards him.

Y/N: "Oh nothing, Sheriff. I do believe I am a bit lost though." I place my hands behind my back and begin to ball them. A smirk still present on my face. The Sheriff begins to take a few steps towards me.

The Sheriff: "I can help you if you're looking for a specific pla-" I throw my fist with every bit of force into his face, his face jerks to the side; hat falling off his head. I wrap my fingers into his thin hair, raising my knee; slamming his head into it. His body thuds to the ground. I pant from the adrenaline and begin to look around his office. I notice a chest in the back corner between 2 cells. I race to the chest and waste no time opening it

"Please let it be fitting clothes." I say to myself. Inside there is a underbust corset, white button down shirt, a bandolier, pants, boots and some belts.

The boots were about a half a size to big, so i just tied the laces a bit tighter. Luckily everything else fit. I strap in my hunting knife to the right of my hip and take the cattleman revolver off the Sheriff and holster it. I walk back over to the Sheriff and grab his feet and begin dragging him into 1 of the cells, slamming it shut. I start to hear him groan. I begin a fast pace out the door and shut it.  I get a few shifty glances from a few people across the way, so I give a small nod and start walking down towards the saloon, trying to avoid eye contact and conversation. My eyes begin to dart around.

'If I can be anywhere near right, this should be the first time Arthur comes to Valentine with Uncle and the ladies.' My eyes are drawn to the bank and in front of it I see an African American lady in a yellow dress being dragged to the side of the building and then pushed to the side of the wall by a taller man. I quicken my pace.

'That's Tilly and that bastard Anthony.' My fists begin to ball and my teeth grit as I step up on the platform to the bank.

Y/N: "Get your hands off'a her."

Anthony: "Why don't you mind your business lady." He says threateningly. I scowl as I grab Tilly's wrist, pulling her behind me. I unsheathe my knife and point it at him.

Y/N: "Back off or I come for your balls." I state with a harsh tone. I begin to hear heavy footsteps approach behind us.

Arthur: "I'd do what the lady says, my friend." He states in a gruff tone.

Foreman: "This ain't over Tilly Jackson." He states firmly before taking his leave, not before taking a last glance to Arthur and I. I sheath my hunting knife and turn towards the 2. I release my grip from Tilly's wrist.

Y/N: "Sorry if my grip was too tight, my intention was not to harm you."

Tilly: "No, your fine. I appreciate you comin to my rescue. You too Arthur." She says sweetly. The look on her face was from explained distress. I give a small nod and smile as Arthur directs her to go wait with the others and asks where Karen is. Once she makes her way to the general store, my eyes slowly wander up Arthur.

'He's much bigger in person.' I think to myself as heat begins to rise up to my cheeks. My eyes land on his

'Such a pretty blue.' A small smile appears unnoticingly.

Arthur: "Thank you, Miss ?"

Y/N: "Y/n...My name's Y/n."

Arthur: "Miss Y/n. Thank you for helpin out, but I outta g-get back to it. Names Arthur." He mutters.

Y/N: "I'll come with. Supposin you have 1 more friend that needs assistance." I say with a light chuckle and begin to make my way to the hotel, Arthur close behind.

'Did-Did he stutter? '

Arthur: "I'm pretty sure I can handle this on my own Miss?"

Y/N: "Just call me Y/n, I'm sure you do but I'm kinda in my own bind right now." I say with a small huff, twisting the knob to the hotel door.

Hotel Owner: "Can I help you two?" I prop my elbows to the side of the counter before giving Arthur my best innocent look and a small smirk. He gives me a small puff and speaks up

Arthur: "I'm looking for a blonde lady, mid 20's, wouldn't forget her."

Hotel owner: "Friend of his?"

Arthur: "Friend of hers." The Hotel Owners eyes widen.

Hotel Owner: " 2B. No trouble now please." A loud thud and crash emit from upstairs, I push myself off the desk and follow Arthur up the stairs who wastes no time getting up there. We make our way down the hall and hear Karen.

Karen: "Get off of me." She screams. Arthur goes to twist the handle and gives it a little push, but the door doesn't budge. He takes a glance at me and taking a step back before raising his leg and kicking the door down. He rushes in with me behind him, I go to Karen who's on the ground. I hold my hand out to her as Arthur and the drunk man begin to throw fists. Karen hesitates to take it, but she does and I slowly help her up. With a final blow by the time she's fully up, I waste no time brushing off her dress and grabbing a handkerchief that was on an end table and begin to clean up some of the blood from her busted lip. She hisses.

Y/n: "I'm so sorry." She takes the cloth from my hand, before giving me a small nod.

Karen: "Thank you."

Arthur: "The hell are you doin here?"

Karen: "Tryin to play him, not very well." She says in a sad tone, before giving me a questioning glance.

Karen: "Who are you?" She questions me.

Y/N: "Y/N, I wanted to he-"

Arthur: "She's gonna be comin back with us back to camp." He states, I give a small nod.

Y/n: "I'm no stranger with getting into trouble, I'm only here to help for a while." I state.

Y/n: "I knocked out the sheriff looking for some clothes." They both give me a dead panning look.

Y/n: "If you don't believe me, you should hear some screaming once we make it outside... I locked him in a cell." Karen chuckles.

Karen: "My my, you sure are your own dynamite. Anyways, stupid bastard was boasting about the bank." She begins to make her way out of the room.

Arthur: "The bank?" He takes a small glance towards me and follows behind her. Me on his path.

Karen: "Sure. I know small town banks are usually a waste of time but this is a livestock town, there's lots of cash sometimes." She takes a few huffs as she dabs the cloth on her lip. We make our way down the stairs.

Hotel owner: "I hope everything's okay up there."

Karen: "After you. Thank you, Arthur. I don't much like being saved but when I have to be." Arthur pushes the door open, Karen and I following him out.

Arthur: "I understand." He looks both ways  before crossing the muddy road to regroup with Uncle, Mary-Beth and Tilly. They all exchange glances and worrying questions over Karen before looking to me.

Arthur: "She's gonna be coming with us back to camp, until she figures out what she wants to do." We hear a man stumble out of the Sheriff's office, head in hand hollerin out for a woman in my physical appearance.

'It's a good thing I changed clothes.' I think to myself, I start to make my way more into the little group that formed to try and hide myself. I hear Karen chuckle.

Karen: "You really weren't kiddin." I feel the heat rise to my face.

Y/n: "of course I wasn't." I say in a rushed hushed tone, Arthur even cracks a smile.

Mary-Beth: "Hey, who's that guy over there looking at us?" Mary gives a small nod in a man's direction. We all turn to look at him.

'It's honestly kinda cool to be experiencing this first hand.' I look over between Arthur and Karen and notice a horse hitched to a post. I squeeze between Tilly and Karen and make my way over to start untying the horse.

Jimmy Brooks: " Weren't you in Blackwater a few weeks back?" He questions menacingly from his horse pointing to Arthur. Arthur glances around us before responding.

Arthur: "Me? No, sir. Ain't from there."

Jimmy B: " Oh, you were. Well, I definitely saw you with a bunch of fellers."

Arthur: "Me? No, impossible. Listen, buddy. Come here for a minute."

Jimmy: "I saw you." He begins to turn his horse, I begin to lead the horse to Arthur.

Arthur: "Come here." He states in a gruff voice. 

Jimmy B: "Come on, get." He takes off on his horse.

Uncle: "I don't like this."

Arthur: " Me neither. Go get the girls home. I'm going to go have a word with our friend."

Tilly: "Be careful, Arthur." Arthur climbs up on the horse.

Arthur: "Just a word." Arthur gives the horse a soft nudge of his heel urging the horse to go forward,, taking off behind Jimmy Brooks. the others begin to walk towards the carriage.

'I don't wanna leave just yet.' I think to myself, a small frown forming. Uncle with the reigns, Tilly and Mary-Beth in the back, Karen pauses for a moment before joining them.

Karen: "You comin' doll?" Head turned towards me with a questioning expression. I haven't moved, I was just waiting.

Y/n: "Not quite. I'mma wait here for Arthur." Karen shrugs and gives me a small scoff

Karen: "Suit yourself; might be better for him to bring you and introduce you to the rest of us. Stay clear of that Sheriff's office." She tells me with a smile and a wink. I give a small wave in response as they begin to pull away.

'This isn't so bad.' I begin to take a few steps towards the saloon, when my ears catch a disturbance a ways behind me.

??: "Hey! You!" I stop in my tracks and swing my head around. I notice 2O'driscolls standing in front of the stables, laughing amongst each other. I turn my attention away from them and continue walking.

O'driscoll: "Don't walk away from me like you didn't hear me you bitch." I stop in my tracks in disbelief.

'He didn't.' I instantly make a u-turn and dart straight for them.

Y/n: "The fuck did you call me?" I say with a sarcastic look as if I didn't hear.

O'driscoll: "She's got a feisty tongue." 1 says as and they begin to laugh. I don't think he was paying attention, because I walked right up to him adrenaline fueling my actions as my hand curls into a fist.

Y/N: "Yeah, and your not gonna have any teeth." I grunt as I uppercut the 1 that called me a 'bitch' causing him to hold his mouth hunched over, grab the lapels of the 1 next to him laughing and i throw my head into his as hard I can, causing him to fall back and me to stumble a bit holding my head. Suddenly, I feel big arms wrap around my throat putting me in a choke hold.

'For fucks sakes!' I begin to elbow him a couple times; the O'driscoll I uppercut begins to stumble back over, fists up.

O'driscoll: "That ain't no way to talk to someone." He goes to throw a punch, I push up on my feet as hard as I can, gripping my hands on the O'driscoll holding me in a choke hold, I lift my foot up as quick and hard as I can, kicking him the nuts. He falls over clutching his balls, I waste no time continuing to elbow the man holding me a few more times. He lets go and I turn and throw 1 more punch before he as well keels over.

I hear heavy foot-steps race behind me. I spin around and ready my fists, my chest heaving up and down. I settle once I see it's Arthur. I drop my arms and throw my head back.

Y/n: "Oh, thank god it's just you." I wipe the sweat that pooled at my forehead and catch my breath. I place my hands on my hips rolling my head forward and looking at the ground. My h/l, h/c hair falling in front of my eyes.

Arthur: "At least you can fight." I feel his eyes wander to the limp O'driscolls before they land on me. They seemed to travel up and down me. 1 begins to groan and push himself up. I turn around and give him a swift kick to the ribs.

Arthur: "Alright, I think they had enough." He says with a chuckle.

Arthur: "C'mon, I'll buy you a drink." I look at him and give a big smile and nod. I begin to walk off next to him. We walk onto the platform where the General store is.

Arthur: "I'm supposed to be meeting a few fellers over there anyways."

'His steps are heavier than mine...It's soothing.' I take a few side glances towards him as we walk.

'I hope you know how good you really are.' A small giggle escapes from me.

Arthur: "What'chu laughin at?" He turns his head lookin at me. He pushes open the saloon door, holding it open. I stop before entering the saloon doors and take a few steps closer to Arthur.

'He smells like campfire.' My e/c orbs don't break his. His hand releases the door and he takes a few steps back. His eyes wavering between mine, I hear him take a big gulp.

'He looks nervous.' I give a smile.

Y/n: "You're very handsome." I back away and walk through the saloon doors. Arthur on my tail. I stop and turn my head to take a small glance at him. His face is dusted a light pink as he grumbles walking over to where the other men trying to score with the working ladies.

Javier: "Oh, Arthur! Arthur, Come here!" He beckons extending his arm to his shoulder. Javier and Charles do a double take at me as I follow behind Arthur.

Javier: "Who's this?" He chuckles, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front.

Javier: "It's about time I've seen you with a woman." They all laugh except Arthur. I give a nervous laugh, with pink starting to dust my face.

'That's what I get.'

Arthur: "She ain't mine. I'll explain later."

Working lady 1: Well ain't you the toughest teatin' mountain man." She procures seductively.

Working lady 2: "Oh you be quiet Anastasia, anyone can tell this one is a pussy cat." She drawls out.

Javier: "Yes, a pussy....cat."

Arthur: "Yeah, whatever you say. How much you cost anyway?" He remarks taking a few steps back eying them both.

Working lady 1: "Well, ain't that a nice way to talk to a lady." Giving her shoulders a small shimmy.

"Oh, I didn't know I was talking to a lady."  I go to the other side of Charles and flag down the bartender and order a whiskey. I take the shot and force it down. The sting brings a warm soothing sensation and tickles my stomach. I notice the woman walk away and Arthur comes beside me and orders another shot.

Arthur: "I said I'd buy you one."

Y/n: "Then pay for this 1." A smug smirk shows on my face. Javier sighs watching the women walk off. Javier joins us leaning against the bar.

Javier: "You got a fine way with the women, amigo."

Arthur: "Yeah, a regular dandy and a charmer." We all take a shot in sync.

Arthur: "Where's Bill?"

Javier: "Oh man, I dread to think about it." I turn my head and nudge Arthur's arm towards the man walking in.

Bill: "Hey, hey, hey, watch where you're going." He stumbles up to the man he bumped into grabbing his jacket before throwing a fist dragging them to the table.

Y/n: "Here we go."

[can-youimagine]

Round of Golf (Tom Holland x Reader)

Summary: Tom convinces you to go golfing with him, and you will do anything to get out of it

TW: Smut (18+, minors interacting will be blocked), feminine reader, mention of the pandemic, mention of periods, swearing, exhibitionism, public nudity, unprotected sex

Word Count: 1438

A/N: This is my first published smut piece, so please be nice

Masterlist

It is no secret that Tom loves golf. You, on the other hand, hate golf. You are absolutely terrible at it, and in the almost two years you have been dating, you have managed to avoid golfing with him. Excuses like your period, feeling sick, needing to see a friend, and shopping emergencies were taken from you as soon as the pandemic forced you to spend all day, everyday, with Tom.

Tom knew this. That is exactly why, as soon as restrictions started to ease up, he asked, “Do you want to go golfing with me this weekend?”

“Are you sure it’s safe?” Of course, he knew it was safe. It is outside, and you already stay away from the other golfers.

“I’m sure. If you feel unsafe, we can leave.”

“Fine,” you give in, unable to come up with a good excuse. He does a little happy dance before you interrupt him. “But, you have to promise not to laugh at me.”

He promises, and you begin planning how you are going to get out of this. Luckily, a sale on tennis skirts helps you.

Saturday comes quicker than expected. You are just finishing your makeup when Tom calls “Babe, you ready?”

“Yep!” you answer, adjusting your skirt one last time before heading down to meet Tom. “Let’s go.”

Your outfit seems to have the desired effect. As you walk down the stairs, your shirt is just cut low enough that he can watch your breasts bounce, and your skirt, which is way too short for you to ever in public, gives Tom a great view of your panties.

“Are you sure you want to wear that?” he asks, not so subtly trying to hide his erection.

You frown, making a show of spinning around to look at your outfit. “Something wrong? I just got the skirt for today.”

He shakes his head. “No, no. You look great. Let’s just get going.”

Once you get in the car, you realize that unless you do something, you will have to golf. You spend the entire ride to the course fidgeting in your seat, constantly crossing and uncrossing your legs in hopes he will do something. It’s useless. He keeps his gaze fixed on the road in front of him.

He is serious about getting you golfing.

He finally gets you checked in and on the course. This is not how you wanted your day to go. You are going to golf, and Tom seems to have calmed down now. There seems to be no way out of this.

Tom is completely in his element. He takes the first swing, waiting for the ball to land before handing the club to you. “Your turn.”

You watch as he places the ball on the tee for you. “I have no clue what I’m doing.”

“Take a swing, love.”

“Help me?”

“Not yet. I wanna see if you are actually as bad as you say you are.”

“So, you’re just going to let me embarrass myself?”

“Of course not, love. Next group doesn’t come start for another hour. You’re only going to embarrass yourself in front of me.” He kisses your forehead. “I’ll help you with the next stroke.”

You roll your eyes. You try your best; you do, but your best is still pretty terrible. While the ball goes far, it lands off the course with the weeds and trees. Tom starts to laugh but quickly stops when you glare at him.

Tom explains exactly what you need to do as you make your way to the ball. Now that you are completely fed up with the game and completely alone, you try everything you can to get out of the rest of this game.

“Let’s work on your stance first.” Tom moves to stand behind and help you, but when you bend too far forward, he stops. Your ass is on full display for him.

“Like this?” you ask, looking up at him with big, doey eyes.

“N-no, you, uh, you need to stand up a little straighter.” He demonstrates the stance he wants. “Like this.”

You purposefully overcorrect, standing much straighter than him. “This?”

“Still not quite.”

“Could you help me?”

He nods. “S-sure.” He stands behind you, arms over yours, but he stands back.

You roll your eyes. How can he be this serious about a game of golf? You push yourself back, body molding into his. You can feel his erection. Suddenly, you have hope. Maybe, if you just finish this hole, you can be done. You swing your hips with the club, making Tom stifle a moan.

“Good job.” He quickly pulls away from you. “Let’s keep going. Still have seventeen holes left.”

You finally hit the ball into the hole, and you jump in celebration. “I did it, Tommy!”

“Yeah.” He wishes he could be more excited, but he can’t stop watching your body. When you bend over to grab the ball out of the hole, your ass is on full display again. This time, though, he can see a damp patch beginning to form in your panties. He swears he could come right then and there.

But, he knows what you’re doing. He knew what you were doing the moment you put that fucking skirt on. You hate golf, and you are willing to do anything to get out of it. It takes every ounce of his self-control not to take you right there, in the middle of the green, and let you win.

You continue your antics for the next three holes before he finally does something. You get out of the golf cart, stretching as you do. He doesn’t even think that you mean to do it, but your skirt comes up and the side of the lacy waistband of your underwear is exposed. He grabs it before you have a chance to stop him, tugging them down to the middle of your thighs.

“Take them off yourself, or I will.”

This is certainly not how you expected this to go. “What?”

He tugs on them, pulling you over to him. “I said, ‘Take them off yourself, or I will.’”

You take too long to answer. He pulls them harder, ripping them in half.

“We’re playing the rest of the course. You’re playing the rest of the course.” He barely manages to pocket the panties before he realizes his mistake. You are completely alone, so you have no reason to stop. He just made his life, quite literally, much, much harder.

You bend over to place the ball, and he can now see everything. You are glistening. As much as he wants to use the empty course to his advantage. He doesn’t. He makes the two of you play through the course.

With nothing to catch your arousal now, he watches as it drips down your thighs and soaks the edge of your skirt. He spends the entire game watching you get wetter and wetter. Hole eighteen could not have come sooner.

“Tommy?” you ask with big eyes. “Can you help me?”

He’s almost made it the entire game. He can’t let you win.

“Please?”

That’s all it takes. He marches over to you, wrapping his arms around you. He pulls you flush against his chest. His cock twitches under you. “For both of our sakes, you better finish this hole quickly.”

You don’t have enough of a mind to tease Tom further. You have finally resigned yourself to finishing the game. At least you are going to get something at the end.

You finally, finally, hit the ball in the hole. As you bend down to get the ball, Tom comes up behind you, grabbing your hips and pulling you against him.

“You knew exactly what you were doing when you put on that little skirt, didn’t you?”

You whimper as he slides his hand between the two of you to unzip his pants. “I didn’t want to golf.”

“You made that clear. Is there something you would rather do?” He lines himself up with your entrance, waiting to push until he hears you whisper, “You.” That’s all it takes for him to push into you. You let out an embarrassingly loud moan at the contact, and you are incredibly grateful that you are the only two here.

Because of how much you had worked each other up throughout the game, it only takes a few thrusts before your orgasm washes over you. You would be embarrassed if Tom hadn’t finished so soon after you, biting your shoulder to keep himself quiet. “You are never, ever, golfing with me again.”

[imjusttpeachy]

bumpy roads & broken promises. (c.h.)

EDIT: Lmaoooo I did not expect this to actually get notes, thanks guys! I already made it onto someone’s fic recs-- I feel special. Actually might end up writing more if this gets more attention. :^)

I wrote this as a vent/comfort fic for myself but figured others might like it. Corpse has been my new safety youtuber ever since the old nosleep reader--deep voice/no face gamer went to shit so... yeah. 

Heavily inspired by @mmonamona ‘s fic “Petty Fights and Lonely Nights” just more angst. 

playlist

feng suave - sink into the floor

current joys - a different age

feng suave - venus flytrap

rei ami - do it right

summary: Corpse gets frustrated with work and snaps at the reader when she tries to ask what’s wrong, triggering a bad memory from a past relationship. 

word count: 2, 932

WARNINGS: she/her pronouns used, coarse language, shouting, panic attacks, reference to past relationship trauma (no retelling, nothing detailed)

(angst, hurt/comfort, crying! lots of it)

>>>

“God would you just fuck off already?!”

Frozen. Your body tensed up as the deep growl echoed through the cramped dark room.

You had been staying at your boyfriend’s apartment for about a week while you were on break from college. Flying out from the UK to California so you could spend as much time as you could with him before ultimately having to return to 5am facetimes while drowning in papers and essays.

Even before you’d booked the tickets, Corpse was already apologizing for everything under the sun. The size of his apartment and its cleanliness, the fact that he couldn’t do much more than order take out for you, his irregular sleeping patterns.. the list could go on and on. And while you assured him every time that you didn’t care, that you were coming to see him— not his apartment, not home cooked meals, and definitely not to scrutinize him for things he couldn’t control due to his mental health. But he wouldn’t buy it.

Not one bit.

He’d offer you a weary half-smile, pulling you into his chest or ruffling your hair before placing a soft kiss on your temple and changing the subject. You didn’t press any further knowing how often he was at war with his own mind and couldn’t help but think the worse of every situation.

As the days carried on, you’d spent most of your time tangled up in each other. Whether it be a movie, or playing some co-op games, or even just laying in his bed with him, you could barely stand to spend any time apart. But, of course, you were adults with responsibilities that would tear you from one another eventually. While you did miss his presence every second he wasn’t around, you couldn’t help but try to make his life even better for when he got back and for when you’d eventually have to leave him once again. Now, a week into your stay, his apartment was a good amount tidier than how it’d been when you arrived. The cupboards and fridge were stocked with groceries that would hopefully last for some time after you left, on top of the home made meals you’d make together or for him everyday. New picture frames were hung up on the wall of the two of you that you’d gifted to him when you arrived; it actually started to feel like home. Well, as much as it could without those familiar strong arms wrapped around you every second of the day.

Unfortunately, this evening was one of those times. Corpse had already been locked up in his office for a few hours now, the sounds of button mashing and frustrated exclamations making its way through the thin walls every so often bringing an amused smile to your face. He’d woken up a bit anxious already knowing he’d have to both leave you alone and put up a brave front for the stream that was planned that evening. You didn’t push him or try to talk about it, knowing that it would just make it worse; so you two had spent the day as it normally would (though he always looked and felt on edge) until he was forced to retreat back into that dreaded workspace.

You occupied yourself on your phone and laptop for a while, checking up on friends, reviewing anything you’d need for the upcoming semester, just scrolling through your socials— y’know, the works. But by the time you’d gotten bored with your scrolling, you’d notice it was a perfect time to start dinner that you’d hopefully be able to eat together with Corpse. You’d gotten to work right away, doing your best to be as quiet as you could to not disturb his work as the different aromas began to spread through the small kitchen in his apartment. Finishing up the dishes after the meal was all cooked, you dished up two servings and set them on the coffee table in front of the couch before you went to retrieve your other half.

Turning the knob of his office door slowly, you peered into the dark room; only the silhouette of the floppy mop of hair you adored so much was able to be seen in the dim light of his computer monitors. Taking a hard look at his right-most monitor you notice an editing software pulled up instead of the usual live chat he had on while streaming, so without any worry of interrupting you opened the door and stepped into the room. It was a cozy room for sure, and it always seemed to smell just like him— which of course is a given but with how much time he spent in this room, it was even more so present. Walking up slowly to his right side so you wouldn’t startle him with just your voice you watched his gaze flick to your form before steadying itself back in the monitor. Furrowing your brows at his strange behaviour but not letting it get to you, you opened your mouth to speak.

“I made dinner!” You smiled down at him, taking a few steps back toward the door so he would be able to get out of his gaming chair without you in his space. However, the hunched form of your focused boyfriend didn’t move an inch. Your heart sunk a little at his attitude but decided to just try again.

“Corpse, baby, dinners ready.”

“I’m not hungry.” The short statement left his mouth in a low grumble, if you hadn’t spent all this time with him studying his voice and begging him to speak more to you, you probably wouldn’t have been able make it out at all. You huffed out a sigh, this was new for him, you really hadn’t seen him as anything other than the cuddly baby you’d grown to know and love. But, you thought to yourself, love would come with days like this and it was bound to happen eventually. Trying your best to not get frustrated or angry with his snappy attitude, you kept your voice light and cheery as you tried again to coax him out to eat.

“Corpse you’ve barely eaten today I-“

“I said I’m not hungry.” Startling at the angry tone you’d never heard from him before, you could feel yourself start to get choked up. Pulling your hands up to hug your arms, trying to sooth yourself, you could feel yourself starting to slowly freeze up. Goosebumps ran over your skin, a chill snaking  it’s way up your spine as you gulped, trying your best to muster up the bravery to speak again. You didn’t know what had gotten into him, he knew how the tone affected you— he was usually even the one to comfort you after an episode triggering something like this. As your mouth began to run dry, you took a deep breath deciding that he would definitely come to his senses in the next moments, you opened your mouth to speak again.

“Is everything alri-“

“I’m FINE! I’m not a FUCKING CHILD I don’t need you constantly checking up on me! God would you just fuck off already!”

You didn’t even notice the tears dripping off your cheeks until they splashed against the bare skin of your hand. Slipping into the defense mode you knew so well, your body switched onto autopilot as you began to backpedal out of the room, almost tripping a few times as you sputtered out a choked “okay, I’m sorry,” before closing his door once again and stumbling messily down the hallway to his room. Your mind was moving a thousand miles a minute yet was completely blank at the same time, and before you knew it you were tucked away inside the dark closet in his room.

This was the routine, this is where you’d be safe.

Trying to slow your erratic breathing you hugged your knees even closer to your chest, praying that in some way it would ease your shaking body. But inevitably, you felt the sobs that you’d kept trapped in your throat since you’d left break through. Your chest heaved with the breaths you took to keep your sobs as silent as possible. You thought you had trained yourself well enough for this, you’d done this a million times before— but in the back of your mind you knew that this time it was different. Shrinking into the corner of the closet, the only thing on your mind was all the broken promises he’d sworn to keep.

>>>

Corpse sighed, his body weighing him down in his chair heavily, head aching with all the work he’d been doing that evening. Pulling his attention back, he stretched his arms as his sore eyes glanced over at the clock in the corner of his screen. 11:34pm. Fuck. That much time had passed already? Raking a hand through his hair he yawned sleepily, he knew he should probably spend more time working before calling it a night but all he wanted to do was curl up in bed with you-

Shit.

Finally snapping out of the heavy trance he’d set himself in every time he sat down to edit, he thought back to the last time he had seen you— calling him for dinner where he snapped at you to leave him alone… almost 3 hours ago. The memories of the past moment flooded into his head and seconds later he was scrambling out of his chair and out into the hallway. It was dead silent, Corpse felt like his heart was practically breaking his ribs with how hard it was pounding in his chest. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Gripping at the right side of his shirt he rushed into the living room, rubbing frantically at his eyes as they darted around the room quickly looking for any sign of you.

“(Y/N), baby?” He rasped out, voice caught in his throat, walking through the living room and spotting the now cold meals she’d prepared waiting uneaten on the coffee table. His heart sunk as he hurried to the kitchen only to see the rest of the meal out on the counter, not doing anything to ease his mind. He called your name again and again; rushing back into the living room his eyes darted to the front door, a tiny bit of relief pricking his system as he saw the door was still locked and latched, as well as seeing your shoes and jacket by the door. Rushing back into the hallway he peeked into the bathroom, flicking on the light switch and with no sign of you, continued down the hallway to his room.

“(Y/N), please baby.” Flicking on the light his eyes scanned the room not catching a single sight of you-- when he heard it. Slowing his breathing down as much as he could in his panicked state he focused in his hearing on the small heaves of air coming from the closet. Stomach dropping, Corpse collapsed onto his knees, legs giving way from underneath him when he realized where you were and what was happening. Crawling his way toward the closet door he stopped right outside of it, he heard your breath hitch and knew you were holding it out of practiced instinct which made him want to vomit. But it wasn’t about him right now, so with a deep breath he finally managed to whisper out.

>>>

“Princess, I’m gonna open the door okay?”

Finally releasing the breath you had been holding, your lungs heaved for air as light flooded into the dark closet. Peeking an eye out from where it was buried in your knees, you blearily made out your boyfriend’s blurry figure kneeling outside the closet. With your body feeling like it was completely out of your control, sobs once again began to rack your huddled form as you shrunk away from him as far as you could into the corner of the closet.

“I’m gonna come in and sit with you okay, I won’t touch you unless you say I can alright?” You could hear some shuffling before hearing the door creak shut again engulfing the both of you in almost complete darkness, save for the few streams of yellow light coming from the cracks of the door. Corpse stared forward in complete silence, long legs bent uncomfortably and body hunched over in the cramped space of the closet trying to give you as much space as possible but knowing that the first step was sitting with you. The man beside you sighed softly, feeling his heart splinter with every heaving sob that raked over you; he could feel his own tears prick at his eyes and a sob starting to well up in his throat but he held them back. Mustering up the courage and will he finally opened his mouth to speak.

“(Y/N) I am so, so fucking sorry,” his voice pitched just above a whisper because he knew if his voice got any deeper that it would startle you and scare you even more than how you were already feeling right now. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. It never should’ve hap-“

“Y- You br- broke your promise.” Your reply came in watery, stuttered breaths; the knot in Corpse’s throat came right back up, tears filling his waterline as much as he tried to keep his composure for your sake.

“I know. I know I did.” The man beside you managed to choke out thinking back to the day where he first lost his temper around you. You’d told him everything about your experience with your past relationships and how you were treated, what you used to cope and what he could do to avoid that in any way possible. He promised that day that he would never again raise his voice, or move too fast even when he was angry or frustrated, and made sure to note down anything that would possibly trigger you to completely avoid altogether. And he kept those promises… until today. Tilting his head to glance over at you, his eyes adjusting to the darkness of the closet to see you staring straight ahead, tears pouring endlessly down your damp face as your body still shook with soft cries.

“I can’t lose you (Y/N)” Corpse’s voice shook as he tried to figure out the right things to say that would keep you from walking right out that door.

“I’ll do anything. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll be better, I swear on my life I’ll be better. Anything you need— it’s yours. I just.. I can’t lose you. Not like this.” He hated how much he sounded like he was pleading when he’s the one who fucked up. The last thing he wanted to do was manipulate you into staying with him which was exactly what your ex did when they made the same mistake time and time again; something he swore he’d never even think of doing. But here he was, and here you were glancing up at him with bloodshot eyes, hair sticking to your tear slicked face and body shaking so much you’d think it was below freezing in there.

Tearing your gaze away from his, you heaved a watery, shaky sigh trying your best to get your thoughts in order. While you had your issues, you knew he had his as well; and with as much patience and understanding he gives you with your snappy, frustrated, sad days, you needed to give back that same patience and understanding with his own. You needed to be brave here.

“Baby-“

“C-Can you just hold me? Please?” You sputtered out just above a whisper, and before you could even unwrap your arms from around yourself Corpse was pulling you into his lap; strong arms encasing you as he pushed his face into your hair. That’s when you found out he was shaking just as much as you were, chest rising and falling erratically with contained sobs as he tried to keep his brave demeanour up for you. Tucking your head under his chin he leaned back against the wall as he crushed you to his chest, the droplets hitting the top of your head giving way to the fact that he was crying too. Pulling your arms up from your side, you slowly wrapped them around his shoulder as he pushed his face against the crook of your neck, sobs finally giving way as he cried helplessly into your shoulder; further dampening the already tear-soaked cloth of the hoodie you were wearing.

“I’m sorry,” Corpse sputtered, hooking his chin over your shoulder so he could keep up with the heaving of his chest, pulling an arm up from around your waist to rest on the back of your head. As much as he wanted to run his hands all over your body and bury his fingers in your hair to feel and memorize every inch of you, he kept them still not wanting to overwhelm you more than this kind of touch already did.

“I love you, I love you so much, I love you..“ he whispered over and over into the darkness of the closet as you both began to breath slower as one. Shushing him softly, you repeated the soft words back to him before wrapping your arms tighter around his shoulders, ensuring him that you were going to be alright.

There would be bumps in the road but Corpse was worth it.

__________________________________

[hkonwo]

More of Vil, Malleus, Idia, and Leona as housemate.

They actually figured to have an island for their own once, discarded that idea later because many things.

Servants come once a week to clean their house.

Their house have underground room. For what? Vil's lab and Idia's. Remember when I said Idia make things in a specific room? Ignore that statement now, that room is made specifically for Gakemo.

Lilia became their housemates once, kicked out just in a week because he keep cooking breakfast.

-

Leona: kick him out!

Malleus: I can't!

Vil: you're his prince!

Malleus: but I can't!

Idia: but we need him out! My stomach hurts from eating his food!

-

How did he get kicked out? Let's not say for the sake of happy memories.

Malleus love hot spring and often took Leona, Idia, and Vil there. Leona kind of dislike it but follow anyway.

Do you know that their house has been destroyed once? They moved to a new house that they live on now. Why did the first get destroyed? Leona is the main reason.

Lilia always chat Idia asking where and how is Malleus everyday. Even when they played game together.

-

Lilia, almost dying: so, how is Malleus?

Idia, almost dying too: this isn't a fitting situation?!

-

Responsibilities on knowing where is Malleus located fell into his three friend. So they will get panicked if he went missing.

-

Vil: where is he?!

Idia: I don't know!

Leona: I thought you put a gps in him?!

Idia: his magic keep messing with it so it doesn't work!

Vil: find him before Lilia decide to became our housemates again!

Idia: How?!

Leona: You're the technology smartie!

Malleus, just teleported back: why are you guys screaming

-

Cheka have stayed for a week. Malleus and Cheka bond after two days (Cheka was scared of Malleus), Vil is the mother who reminds Cheka of his bedtime and to took a bath, Idia is unexpectedly good with children (don't forget him and Ortho), and Leona is... Leona.

Vil is the one who instruct them to use skincare every night. They all have good skin after a while.

Halloween, the thing both Idia love and hate. Because every Halloween, his candy stock mysteriously disappear.

They all use alarm clock except Leona (not like he can sleep through Vil's alarm clock anyway).

Rook is never allowed to stay for the night. (Vil doesn't mind but Malleus, Idia, and Leona can feel his stare at night when the ban still doesn't exist)

Vil never got sleep deprived, Leona sometimes, Malleus also sometimes, and Idia almost everyday.

-

In a groupchat

Idia, tired: I will die for a sex now.

Leona: the fuck.

Vil: we don't need to know about your night life.

Idia: I MEANT SEC, IT'S A TYPO, I DIDN'T MEANT THAT.

(Based when I was sleep deprived and text my friend that)

-

Jack has visited their house because he was invited by Epel. Deuce invite himself when asking about magical wheels to Idia, and Sebek of course has already visited. Ace have no reasons to visit and will never do.

Because Malleus is the oldest of all of them, they all count on Malleus for things about history.

-

Idia: hey do you remember who win the war 200 years ago?

Malleus: I witnessed it myself, it was the red bearded man.

Vil: is he good looking?

Malleus: books depict him as such, but personally, I feel like he's not.

Leona: is it true that he piss himself in front of his troupe?

Malleus: it's true. Unpleasant for both enemies and allies.

-

Idia bought this big puzzle once to play with all of them, finished in a day because all of them are smart.

Their living room have shelves for trophies.

Idia have eating disorder, they finally knew after forcing Idia to empty his food and Idia vomiting later on.

-

Idia: see?! I told you not to force me?!

Vil: you should've said you have eating disorder. I wouldn't force you if you do.

Idia: I already said I had enough.

Vil: who is going to believe that when they live with you, seeing you eat once a day, and only taking a bite of a spoon.

-

They have magic shield surrounding the house. (Do you really expect a house where great magicians live won't have it?)

I think this will be the last headcanons. Might write more if I got ideas but for now, I won't :D

[kittyhelpsstuff]

Tom Cardy Lyric Starters (But It’s Only The Songs I know)

“ Last night was great, it was our very first date ”

“ And then I/they don't reply for seven fuckin' days ”

“ 'Croissant emoji', fuck you" ”

“ Now we're going to a hospital ”

“ Just me, you, and your dad in the back of an ambulance ”

“ I'm really sorry for punchin' your dad in the dick ”

“ Oh, baby, you've played this game before ”

“ Too bad, I've played a little bit more ”

“ Good morning [ms/sir/zir], my name's [sender muse] and I'm calling from the national census, how are you today? ”

“ Should I- I'm gonna put down social media? ”

“ I would like to put you on the right path ”

“ Don't be distracted by the emojis that I'm using ”

“ Follow your dreams, when your dreams that you're following your dreams is not to be a follower ”

“ Follow your dreams, when your dreams that you're following your dreams is not to be a follower ”

“ Everyday I live out my life as a leader ”

“ Everyday I live out my life as a leader And all it cost was a four grand water filter ”

“ The date started off so well ”

“ Begin my night not expecting the fright of my life ”

How could I not see the danger right in front of me? ”

“ They said, the best movie of all, a masterpiece of art called [any movie/Human Centipede] ”

“ I think that I'm gonna get murdered tonight ”

“ Please god save me ”

“ I think that's a red flag ”

“ They said, Human Centipede is a tour de force ”

“ I think, holy shit I'm gonna be the main course ”

“ I’m try to get the waiters attention by blinking in morse code ”

“ Why are you blinking so much? ”

“ Stop hiding behind your silly made up red flag, To not take a chance on the best relationship you never had ”

“ Maybe you're right and I'm looking for excuses ”

“ I can finally open myself up to love ”

“ I can finally sew a mouth to a butt ”

“ If you touch my monster truck, I'll stab you in the face ”

“ If you touch my monster truck, I'll fuckin' bite you on your arm ”

“ I'll fuckin' bite you on your arm ”

“ All you got is a marriage on the rocks ”

“ I am a little shit ”

“ I actually mean that the relationship is simple, It is just bad ”

“ It's not what's said, what's implied? ”

“ You massive, stupid piece of shit ”

“ If they say, "I literally can't" They literally can, they’re using hyperbole

“ I'd just say I'm yet to reach my potential ”

“ You can be anything you wanna be ”

“ As long as you mean what you say, But never say what you mean

“ I don't say it yet, no ”

“ Have you checked your butthole? ”

“ I have not seen your keys, but since you're askin' me, You better check up that butthole ”

“ Of course I'm not serious ”

“ Love is patient, love is kind ”

“ But if you ask me where you can find, Literally anything you've lost before, “ I'm gonna suggest that it's up your butthole ”

“ "Where's my phone?" Is it up your butthole? ”

“ "I lost my loan," have you checked up your butthole? ”

“ "I'm losing my patience," check your anus ”

“ "Where's your class?" I think it's stuck up your ass ”

“ My family hate me”

“This might be the reason that I've got no close friends”

“Fuckin' worth it, baby”

[suh-dangerously]

Whew chyle here we go…

Hello my name is Sadane, pronounced like suh-dayne, not suh-dawn-aye, not sedan, not say-den, it’s SUH-DAYNE. I have to say this to damn near everybody I meet and let the record show that in the 23rd year of my exhausting life, I am standing fully in my name now. Get it right or get cut bitch! This photo was taken a week or two ago because I’ve damn near forgotten about this app but hopefully after posting this, I’d be able to change that. Im still looking for my group of friends within other black queers or people in general but only the ones that cared enough to unlearn all the bullshit racism, homophobia, and transphobia that was forced on majority of us from when we were just innocent children. Obviously if you aren’t either then I don’t really give a fuck just don’t disrespect my intersecting identities. I’m a Pisces and into writing, digital media, learning how to play instruments, might start creating content aimed at black and/or queer such as a comic strip or maybe some really creative tik toks. I work in two different kitchens every week, I watch a lot of tv shows and movies, i love video games and is a proud owner of a ps4, I smoke weed almost everyday because I suffer from clinical depression and an undiagnosed anxiety disorder(I’m taking medication for it from “getcerebral”). I’ve been told many times in the past that I can be really funny and I may want an adorable pet cat in the future if I can get my funds up because despite having two jobs I’m still fucking broke with $4 in my checking account and $5 in my savings(I’m gonna lose my goddamn mind). I was born and raised in Brooklyn but currently living in florida which is a big yikes in itself. A bit of a foodie and can walk very long distances lol thank you Brooklyn. I fully enjoy adult animated programs along with the animated shows I watched when I was younger. I love watching anime or anything that’s based no a comic book or manga plus sci-fi, magic, fantasy and horror. I fully stan for Beyoncé as well as Chloe x Halle meaning I have to get a notification whenever they do something just so I don’t miss anything that may be important. If there are any handsome nerds, jocks or stoners that made it this far into reading this, pls hit my dms, “I haven’t had any gentleman callers in the past few months”*in my Blanche Devereux voice lol*. But seriously I’ve been on prep for almost a year now and it really feels like I’m just wasting it at this point tbh :/ we could start as friends obviously and possibly become more if the vibes are right, I know I’m not supposed to need a man but i guess sometimes I just really want one lol and that’s it for this incredibly long post, thanks to everybody who actually read through all of that, s/o to my chaotic neurodivergent brain that allowed me to actually put some effort into this introduction and my profile, most of all s/o to myself because after hating myself for damn near most of my short life, I not only missed out on my teen years but also a chance at self-love. As a child I never received the proper love, guidance, comforting, encouragement and emotional navigation that would’ve been very beneficial for my mental health. Like I said, hopefully I start posting way more so until next time✌🏿

[troubatrain]

sober - m. barzal (pt. six)

a/n: so after the hell week we all survived in the good ol’ USA my brain finally decided to let me actually write. tbh i wrote this about four times before i forced myself to just finish it and stop tweaking it.

Five

Mat’s kitchen looked like a tornado had run through it. The usually pristine, absolutely untouched kitchen of the young bachelor was getting more use in the twenty minutes Mat had been awake than it ever had. Truthfully, Mat wasn’t a morning person. Mat slept like a rock, and he thought there was nothing besides the fear of his coach that could get him up earlier than noon, but he was wrong. You had him up before eight, hoping if he could beat you to waking up you wouldn’t have a chance to sneak out on him. He did, opening his eyes to catch you snoring softly beside him. He laid there for a moment, his eyes on you because he almost in disbelief you actually stayed. It was a moment of peace, the complete opposite of the mess you’d both gotten yourselves into. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t debating how he was going to get someone to leave, he was figuring out how he was going to get you to stay.

Mat was an absolute whore, and he didn’t care one bit. Why should he? He was young, he was at the top of his game, and his ego got a little bigger everyday. He was just as guilty as you were when it came to his lack of commitment. Mat had never been able to be a good boyfriend, no matter how hard he tried - so he just stopped trying. His schedule wasn’t made for dating, and he never wanted to put the work in. You were different. Something clicked in Mat when he realized how enraged his body felt hearing DeAngelo talk about you the way he did. He was going to let it go, and in hindsight maybe he should have, but he didn’t want to. That protective feeling took over his body because it was too strong for him to shove back down before it got out.

Mat would have told you he loved you after that game, because he does, but he knew he was playing a dangerous game. The reality of what would happen if this was real scared him, but not nearly as much as he knew it had to scare you. You had something to lose, a life that Mat just wouldn’t be apart of. Mat wasn’t in a position to ask you to give that up, especially for someone who you weren’t even dating. Mat knew if he moved too quickly you’d get spooked and run away without giving Mat a second thought. He’d disappear from your memory like everyone before him.

Mat’s thoughts were broken by the sound of your feet padding into his kitchen, your arms wrapping around his waist while you pressed a kiss to his back, “Hi pretty girl.”

This was uncharted territory, the morning after. You’d always been an expert, leaving yourself enough time to sneak out and leave before anyone would notice you were gone. That kept your heart safe, free from the feelings that were present in this very moment. You couldn’t have left last night, slipping out of Mat’s bed and into a cab in the middle of the night, but something stopped you, “Do you actually know what you’re doing?”

“I thought I’d try to make you breakfast,” Mat admits, a smile on his face while he turned off the stove, eggs forgotten to look at you, “I’ll get better at it, I promise, breakfast can be my thing.”

“Your thing?” You muse, letting Mat gently push you onto the island, standing between your legs.

“Yeah, when we fall in love or whatever, I’ll make breakfast,” Mat chuckles, pressing a quick kiss to your lips.

“You’ve lost your damn mind Barz,” You sigh, leaning your head on Mat’s shoulder while you savored the last few moments of peace you were feeling. You were going to have leave his place, off to a four game road trip where Mat was free to fuck whoever he wanted.

Mat’s finger was gently gliding over your face, “If I’m crazy it’s because you made me crazy.”

“You were insane before I met you,” You defend not daring to open your eyes and meet Mat’s gaze, “And now you’re just annoying.”

“I don’t remember being annoying when you were begging me to fuck you last night,” Mat counters back, hands moving to your bare thighs, the warmth from his hands was a stark contrast from the cool counter, “If I’m correct it sounded something like Mat please.”

“Don’t push your luck Mat,” You threaten, his impersonation of you from the night before stopping almost immediately.

“Would I push it if I asked you to stay until my flight later?” Mat asks, eyes full of hope while he tries to hang onto the moment just a little bit longer.

“If you never talk about it again,” You nod, deciding that the damage was already done. You were so far gone a few more hours couldn’t hurt you anymore.

“We can talk about how fucking good you look in orange and blue though,” Mat teases, a grin on his face. You furrow your eyebrows, looking down and realizing just what shirt he had given you the night before. A bright white number thirteen in the corner, with an Islanders logo present on the front.

“Mat if you don’t take this off of me right this second.”

“You never have to ask me twice to take off your shirt babe.”

***

You leaned your head against the window of the private jet that definitely cost more for one flight than your entire salary, taking a deep breath and a break from the laundry list of emails you were due to answer. You were flying to St. Louis for the All Star Game, your plans of a week long vacation somewhere warm with some of the team and their significant others thrown out the door the second Chris stepped in for Panarin last minute. Not even two minutes later, Charlotte strutted over to your desk to tell you that without a need for someone to translate for Artemi, you were the new kid and that meant you had to suffer through the weekend while everyone else took their vacations. 

“At least pretend to be excited,” Chris mutters next to you, taking a break from his own reading and elbowing you in the side.

“It’s hard to be excited when everyone’s on a beach and we’re flying to Missouri in January,” You snark back, pulling your glasses off your face and rubbing your eyes.

“You either need to start sleeping or stop hanging out with that secret boyfriend of yours,” Chris jokes, but it struck a nerve with you.

Mat wasn’t your boyfriend. Mat. Wasn’t. Your. Boyfriend. He didn’t get to have all of you, because he didn’t deserve it - no man does. Nothing about the very small amount of vulnerability that he got to see after that game meant anything. You left that morning and he went on a four game road trip and the world spun on. You could stop whenever you wanted to, move on with some other dumb boy who didn’t care more about you in clothes than without. But did you want to? That was a debate you’d been having with yourself for days.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” You grumble, gritting through your teeth. Technically, it wasn’t a total lie.

“So you are seeing someone!” Chris points out, as if your deliberate words were going to make it past him. Chris held most of the intelligence on the entire Rangers roster, and there was nothing that he didn’t pick up, “So, What's the deal? He doesn’t want anyone to know about you or you don’t want anyone to know about him.”

“It’s mutual,” You hum, sipping the coffee that had gone cold.

“Are you a sugar baby?” Chris questions, a cautious tone to his voice, “Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it or anything-”

“No I haven’t found a sugar daddy,” You roll your eyes, waiving Chris and sparing him the lecture that there’s nothing wrong with the idea at all, “We’re just in a limbo.”

“For what it’s worth,” Chris says, taking a deep breath before he finished his thought, “You seem happy, you haven’t snapped on Tony in almost a week.”

“Thanks Chris,” You laugh softly, popping a headphone back into your ear so you could finish up some work.

***

Mat was in absolute disbelief the moment he saw you step into the hotel lobby. You weren’t supposed to be in St. Louis, you were supposed to be on some island in a bikini making him wish he wasn’t good enough to be selected for the All Star game at all. Mat scratched his head for an answer as to why you didn’t mention the change of plans, but then the thing that he spent his entire roadie before he left for St. Louis entered his brain at full speed.

You’re not her boyfriend.

Mat owed you nothing, and you didn’t have to tell him anything you didn’t want to. Mat honestly knew about four things about you and all of them related to your job. He was dying to know everything, even the stuff that didn’t matter that much. Hell, Mat would’ve killed to see the inside of your apartment at this point. He just needed one thing, one thing that he could hold onto that you showed him that no one else got to see. He was sure he’d find it, especially after he finally got you to stay at his place, but now he was starting to think maybe he’d never crack you.

You were going to just avoid Mat like the plague. The hotel was swamped with players, their families, and any staff that had tagged along for the weekend. The city was still buzzing from last season’s Stanley Cup win and there was not a chance Mat wasn’t going to be busy all weekend, because Mat Barzal was an amazing hockey player. You hated to be reminded of it, because if you could have Mat feed you stupid compliments and never remind you of his job you’d be happy forever.

hotel sex is on the table

and you look fucking hot today

You roll your eyes, checking your phone while you were standing in line to check in. You look around the room, trying not to draw any attention to Mat who was giving you a shit eating grin from across the lobby. He looked good, a white button up tucked into suit pants that were doing his ass justice. You look at Chris, who was too engrossed in his own phone to even look back at you.

pretend like i don’t exist right now and we’ll talk

wanna play a game?

that didn’t go well for you last time Barzy

if i beat your buddy kreids tomorrow night you give me one night

you won’t

is that a yes?

fine

You turn around, giving Mat one last death stare to remind him you weren’t kidding on your plea to pretend you didn’t exist. Your job was important to you because you weren’t Mat. You weren’t going to get paid millions of dollars to play and then retire with a pretty penny in your pocket. You worked, and the stress of losing your job would definitely break you. Charlotte instilled fear in you like no other boss you ever had could, and if you got caught messing around with someone who played for another team while you were working she’d probably just fire you on the spot. Not to mention the heartbroken faces of your chosen family. Mat somehow existed in both a different and the same world as you. He understood your work life because it was so close to his, but he had his own work family and you had yours. No matter what, there would always be some sort of weird divide caused by that stupid rivalry. For now, it was just going to have to be something you’d worry about later.

***

You turned in the mirror of your hotel room, the lacy black lingerie set fit your body like a glove, and you were impressed with Mat’s taste given all he ever wore was sweatpants. You look in the corner of the room, the last piece of his little gift sitting in the box. Mat dropped it off earlier, a note on top telling you that when he inevitably smokes Chris in the faster skater competition he had something in mind. You weren’t surprised by his confidence, but you were surprised by the gift itself. Folded neatly in the box wasn’t just the lingerie, a bright blue and orange jersey was right underneath it, a shiny white number thirteen stitched into the back. You knew you didn’t have to wear it, because Mat wasn’t going to force you to do anything, but you were wet at just the thought of how animalistic Mat would probably get. You tossed on the jersey, throwing an even bigger sweatshirt and sweats over it before you snuck up to Mat’s floor- hoping Chris wouldn’t catch you leaving from the room across the hall.

You pull out the room key Mat gave you, sneaking into the door and locking it shut behind you. You slipped off your sweats, leaving you in nothing but the jersey and your panties.

“Fuck,” Mat dropped his phone from his hand the second you came into his view, “I didn’t think you’d wear it.”

“I wasn’t going to,” You muse, your confidence boosting while you strutted over to Mat. He had that effect on you, the ability to always make you feel like the sexiest woman in the world - even if you didn’t feel like were, “But then you beat McDavid.”

Mat pulled you between his legs while he sat on the edge of the bed, his hands toying with the jersey while he let the fabric slip through his fingers, “You look so fucking good in my jersey baby.”

“I’m proud of you Mat,” You purr into his ear, playing into Mat’s ego just a little bit. You were proud of him, and for the first time you wanted him to know. You pressed a kiss against his jaw, feeling his own breath hitch in his throat, “Can I show you?”

“Keep that jersey on and you can do whatever you want to me,” Mat admits, slipping his hand under the jersey and tapping your ass lightly.

“I’ll keep it on,” You giggle, pushing Mat on his back and getting to work. Your lips kissed down his chest with every button of his dress shirt you got undone, tossing it in the corner to be forgotten about until later. You unhooked his belt, leaving open mouth kisses just above his pants. You slid off his dress pants slowly, taking his boxers with them to let his cock spring free. Mat groaned at the sight, gathering your hair to pull it back for you.

“Wait,” Mat stops you, holding your hair back to stop you from putting your mouth on him. His finger traced your cheek, a look on his face you couldn’t quite read, “I just want to remember this, you look so beautiful right now.”

You could feel the heat rush your cheeks, Mat had called you to dozens of things but never once did the word beautiful ever slip through his lips, “You’re just saying that because I’m about to blow you.”

“No, baby, I mean it- fuck,” Mat groans, this thoughts halted by your mouth on his cock. His hips snapped up, hitting the back of your throat, “You’re so fucking good princess.”

You moan, hollowing your cheeks and gripping Mat’s thighs a little tighter, giving him the show you so desperately wanted. You head bobbed in a perfect rhythm, taking as much of Mat as your body could handle. Mat pushes your head back, taking a look at the line of spit that was still connected to his dick, your eyes were glassy and your throat was sore but Mat would keep you like that forever if he could, “Let me finish.”

“I’m in charge tonight,” Mat reminds you, the tone in his voice sent a chill up your spine. You knew Mat was rough, and a little demanding but he never crossed that line with you, “On your knees.”

“Like this?” You tease, sitting up on your knees to rile him up just a little bit more.

“More like this princess,” Mat stands behind you, gently pushing you down so your ass was in the air. He was quiet, bunching up his jersey so he could get a full view of the lingerie he went out and bought just for you, “Be good or I won’t let you cum pretty girl.”

Mat’s threat with a light smack to your ass, a moan escaping your lips. He slipped the black lace panties to the side, gliding one of his fingers against your folds while he pressed a kiss to your skin, “So wet for me already.”

“Only for you Mat,” The words tumbled out of your mouth, your eyes widening at your own confession.

Mat was thankful he was behind you, because if you saw the way his gaze changed from your words he’d never live it down. You looked so perfect, spread just for him. His jersey. His number. And in his own fantasy: his girl. He snapped himself back into reality, sliding into your pussy that was practically dripping in anticipation.

“Faster, fuck Mat please,” You whimpered out, trying to move yourself to get Mat to pick up the pace. He chuckled darkly, hips snapping back and forth until the only sound in the room was the string of curses leaving your mouth, “I’m close-”

Mat flipped you over before you could finish, his hand grabbing your chin and forcing you to look at him, “Tell me this pussy is mine.”

“Fuck I’m yours Mat,” You breath out, locking your eyes with his while it felt like time froze around you, “I’m yours.”

“Look at me when you cum baby,” Mat urges, his hand still gripping your chin. He picked up his place, making use of his other hand around your clit, “C’mon princess just for me.”

Your pussy fluttered around him, Mat letting out a groan while he tried to hold onto this moment for just a bit longer. He looked down at you, catching your breath from your own high. You hand snuck down to his cock, pumping it slowly, “Cum on me.”

Mat nods, letting you work on his dick with your hands while he nibbled at your neck. He was going to mark you up, make you remember who you belonged to because he so desperately wanted it to be him. He spilled onto your pussy, head pressed into your neck while he came down from his own high. You both laid there for a moment, your hand gently stroking Mat’s back while you both took a moment to think about what just happened. Mat was possessive in a way he’d never been before, and you ate it up without a second thought - that had to mean something right?

“I need to get back to my room,” you whisper, afraid to break the comfortable silence.

“I know,” Mat nods, finally picking his head up, “Keep the jersey, you might need it one day.”

“Your stupidity is honestly astounding,” You joke, brushing his hair out of his face while Mat’s face turned into a pout.

“Can I take you on a date?” Mat breathes out, hoping he wasn’t reading this the wrong way, “No games, no funny business, let me take you out.”

Say no. Say no and never call him again.

“One date,” You agree against your better judgement, pushing Mat away and looking around the room to find your sweats that you snuck into his room in, “Better make it a good one.”

Mat smiles, teeth on full display while he watched you slide your pants back on, “I’m the best at everything Y/N don’t forget that.”

“Goodnight Barz,” You tease, giving him one more look before you left his room.

The elevator ride down was quiet, most of the hotel’s occupants already asleep or still out partying the weekend away. For your sake, you hoped Chris would be fast asleep like the grandpa he was. You rushed down the hallway, Mat’s jersey still hanging loosely off your frame while you looked in your hand for your room key. Your search was stopped by a throat clearing behind you. You jump, turning around to see Chris’s eyes boring into you.

“You’ve got some explaining to do.”

[tangent101]

Max Caulfield and Post-Storm PTSD

One thing I find interesting (and have done so myself) is speculating on how broken Max will be in a Post-Storm (either Sacrifice Chloe or Sacrifice Arcadia Bay) setting. While some people (usually those who killed Chloe) like to say "she'd bounce back!" the predominant view is that we have a shattered Max after this who needs a lot of therapy. So I thought I'd unpack this and look at why I look at this this way.

At this point I should add there is potential triggers here. I'll be examining my own PTSD and elements of Max's state of mind that may in fact result in her being in declining mental health in the wake of the events of Life is Strange.

First, let's consider what PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is, and what causes it. And for this I'm going to start by sharing my own trauma. Because I have PTSD. I gained this after I saw a vehicle go out of control and hit two people and run over two others. The final person was trapped under the vehicle and they had to push the van at an angle to pull him out, do CPR, and... he was dead. Even if EMTs had been right there, he'd not have survived.

I suffer flashbacks thinking of this, though it's gotten better. I will flinch, visualize what happened, and feel nausea. I get tense over this and... well, it's not a happy experience to put it mildly. And I have what is likely a milder case of PTSD. I also developed it despite being in an environment that put me at a lower risk of developing it. And yes, I had minor twinges of PTSD writing this up. Two years ago I probably would have had an actual visualization and anxiety break. So you can get better with therapy and help.

But what specifically is PTSD? According to the website for the National Institute of Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in some people who experience shocking or dangerous events, with people who have PTSD feeling stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger. PTSD can occur within 3 months of traumatic events or even have you be fine and then crop up *years* later. And symptoms include flashbacks where you relive the trauma, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts which can disrupt a person's everyday routine.

People with PTSD are easily startled, can feel "on edge," have angry outburst, and have difficulty sleeping. They could go through avoidance of staying away from reminders of the experience and avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the event. Further, cognitive and mood symptoms include problems remembering key features of the event, self-negativity, distorted guilt or blame feelings, and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.

Okay, so how can you avoid PTSD? And how could Max avoid this? Well, factors promoting recovery after trauma include seeking support from friends and family, finding a support group, learning to feel good about your own actions in the face of danger, positive coping strategies, and learning to act and respond effectively even when feeling fear.

And this is the kicker. This is why Max is likely screwed as a result of the events of Life is Strange, especially in a Sacrifice Chloe setting. Because Max blames herself and her time travel for the Storm and all the weird shit that happened. She may very well believe that if she uses time travel for any reason, it will result in the Storm and a lot more people dying. And this will get in the way of being in a healthy environment to avoid PTSD.

First, consider friends and family. Max can't tell them what happened because she has absolutely no proof of what she went through. She can't prove her time travel because if she does then she dooms wherever she is and a lot of people die. (It doesn't matter if this is the case or not, she assumes it is true.) So Max is not going to confide in Warren or Dana or Victoria or anyone. She can't. And she's quite likely going to isolate herself because we have already seen at the start of the game, Max is a bit of a loner who doesn't have many friends.

In fact, her two "friends" are Warren (who she feels threatened by due to his attraction to her, as seen by his inclusion in her Nightmare sequence including learning he doctored photos of her to include himself in the picture, his peeping activities on the second day, and the honestly-creepy "Go Ape" thing), and Kate. Kate is going through her own shit and Max remembers Kate killing herself. Is Max going to unload her own issues on someone going through a lot of shit as well or is she going to swallow her problems so not to trouble her friend? And Warren is someone she feels nervous around and who has engaged in some activities that set up warning flags in her psyche. Further, when she told Warren the truth, he promptly blames her time travel on fucking everything up. In short, she trusted Warren and Warren said "you caused all this destruction." (Even if Max initially blames herself, he reinforces that point of view before Max jumps through the photo to save Chloe.)

Nor can I see her telling her parents. Again, she has no proof. Her parents are overprotective already. If she starts going off on this fanciful tale, are they going to believe her? Or are they going to assume their daughter is cracking and force her into therapy and possibly hospitalize her "for her own good" (and thus she ends up medicated and miserable, having lost her autonomy and agency)? It doesn't matter if they wouldn't as Max will worry this could happen. It is better to never say a thing. So Max internalizes everything. And we already see evidence that Max has done this sort of thing in the past. Max keeps her secrets close to her heart. She never told her parents of the time travel even when she could have had proof. So why tell them after Chloe died?

I have been overcoming my PTSD by revisiting it and working through it. Part of this was guided by therapy. Max would not be in a position to talk about this. And how could she? After all, she didn't find Rachel Amber's body (and we have no proof her body is uncovered in a Sacrifice Chloe setting). She didn't see the Storm. She didn't see most of the incidents. The closest that happened was being in the bathroom when Chloe was shot. And her story of what happened would change from the week that beta-Max was in charge and when Max Prime returned to the timeline. So even if she was talking to a school counselor? She'd quickly learn that her story changed and probably shut up and stop seeing them so not to give away her story.

Remember: Max cannot admit to the time travel because doing so means either killing hundreds of people due to the Storm or being locked away for being crazy because she has no proof.

Next, we have feeling good about her actions. For five days Max had hammered into her skull her actions have consequences. More, those consequences are predominantly bad. Far too often Max has to Rewind to fix things from her actions. If she can't Rewind? That means by acting, she's going to fuck things up. In fact, the fundamental aspect of Sacrifice Chloe states that her action to save Chloe caused all of this destruction. Max is going to second-guess herself constantly.

I mean, if she sees Kate on the roof again at a later point (because women who are the victims of crimes are often blamed by society for the crimes inflicted against them as seen time and time again with how we blame victims of sexual harassment and rape for the crimes committed against them, so of course her church and mother and aunt will continue to blame Kate for what she went through), will Max dare to act? If she does, then she might cause another Storm. She might cause damage. If Kate is on that rooftop again, maybe she was supposed to die. Who does Max think she is by trying to stop Destiny?

So yeah. Max is not going to feel good about her actions. She is going to second-guess herself. She already had that tendency at the start of the game, and Sacrifice Chloe hammers down the truth that action is bad. Better to do nothing and not interact.

We end up with Avoidance. Well, what is the biggest Avoidance? Photography. Max already has a murderer who kidnapped her associated with photography. She remembers being in the Dark Room, being powerless in the face of the man who murdered her Chloe. (Just like she murdered her Chloe. She might not have pulled the trigger, but she caused Chloe's death.) She will see Chloe's death and Rachel's death and her own suffering each time she looks at a camera and remembers Mark Jefferson. More, she knows if she focuses on a photograph she could end up traveling through time and causing the Storm. So she can't even enjoy pictures anymore because they are a threat.

That's not to say that the Sacrifice Chloe setting is all dark and dire. She does have music. She loves music. So if she puts aside the camera she might pick up her guitar and embrace music. (Hannah Telle, Max's VA, once speculated that Max would enter a career in music, probably due partly to her own musical inclinations.) So while she might give up her greatest loves, she might eventually embrace a future in music. I doubt she'd ever play in public but... that might be an outlet for a hurting soul.

Now, I've gone on at length about how dire things are for Max in a Sacrifice Chloe setting, but what about Sacrifice Arcadia Bay? Well, things end up a bit more positive in this setting because she can actually talk about going through some of these things. For instance, Max dug up a body with Chloe. She saw Chloe almost shot by Nathan in the bathroom. She saw Kate attempt suicide (whether or not she stopped it is immaterial to the suicide attempt). She learned that a trusted teacher and mentor was in fact a predator who was kidnapping young women, saw pictures of these crimes, and thus "suffers flashbacks visualizing herself in this setting." She can go to therapy and talk about many things she cannot in a Sacrifice Chloe setting and in doing so she can start to work through elements that could result in PTSD developing.

She can also talk to Chloe about what happened. Chloe knows about the time travel. She knows about almost dying (and Max witnessing Chloe's death multiple times). This gives Max a needed outlet for overcoming her own fears and concerns. But more importantly is this: Chloe is likely to tell Max to face down her fears. Chloe is the person who always pushed Max to try new things. And I honestly cannot see that changing as a result of what they went through.

Max also will learn to feel good about her actions. I mean, she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. This is the ultimate action, and while she may feel remorse for those deaths and that destruction... she also knows she saved Chloe and Chloe is by her side. She knows that her actions led to the capture and arrest of Mark Jefferson and saving Victoria Chase's life. Hell, it led to David Madsen (and probably a couple Arcadia Bay police officers) surviving the Storm because they were in the Dark Room at the time of the Storm. Her actions have consequences... and those consequences need not be dire. They can be beneficial.

So the Max of Sacrifice Arcadia Bay has a support group, she has access to therapy and can talk about some of the things she went through, she has someone she loves who believes her, she knows that her actions have benefit, she has someone who urges her to move forward. This isn't to say she won't have PTSD... but she is in a far better environment to overcome this to the point that in Life is Strange 2, we learn (in the Save Chloe timeline) that Max is submitting to galleries and that Chloe is still with her. So she's taking pictures and is in a good place in her life.

Now, what about Chloe? After all, Chloe went through some truly horrific shit herself. Chloe was almost shot by Nathan, she almost got hit by a train, she was threatened by Frank, she dug up the body of a girl she truly cared for, dozens of yards from where she was hanging out regularly, she saw a huge-ass Tornado wipe out her home town and kill her mother... yeah, Chloe's been through some horrific stuff, about as horrific as Max. More, she is in an unhealthy position at the time of the game.

But much of what benefits Max in the Save Chloe timeline also benefits Chloe. She can talk to a therapist. She has Max by her side. She has Max by her side and Max out-and-out chose her over hundreds of people. Joyce chose David over her, and for four years Chloe was in an unsafe environment. Rachel was... Rachel, and she was cheating on Chloe anyway. But Max... Max comes back, she saves her life several times, she helps Chloe time and time again, and at the end she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. That is big. That is bigger than big, it is... for once, Chloe was told "you are important." I mean, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking of how big this is. Chloe has realized just how much Max loves her.

So... Chloe might develop PTSD. She is at risk of it. I think her triggers might similar to Max's - both girls probably will freak over thunderstorms for a while, and both may develop an aversion toward guns... at first I thought they'd differ but really, they'd align fairly well. About the only trigger issue Max would have Chloe doesn't has to do with photography (which is why Chloe is the person who'd help Max overcome any such issues).

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Moving on from Routine, let’s look at Emotional Self-Care. This is Self-Care that you use to improve your emotional stability. This is what Emotional Self-Care can take the form of (though I do not use all of these; I will talk more about the ones I use):

Comfort Food

Taking a “mental health day”

Napping and/or Sleeping In

Binge-Watching Comfort Shows/Reading a Comfort Book/Listening to a Comfort Podcast/Comfort Music/Comfort Video Games/Etc.

Long Baths

Venting

Reflecting on the Good

Meditation

Taking a Walk Outside or Hitting a Treadmill

Turning away from Social Media

Lighting a scented candle

Giving Gifts

Crying/Screaming/Emotional Outburst

Breaking Breakables

Playing with and/or Petting a Pet or Animal

Telling Other People You Don’t Want To Interact With Them (Right Now)/Boundary Setting

Taking care of Plants

Journaling

Cleaning

Treating Yourself (non-food)

Every time I googled “emotional self-care”, I got some things like “set boundaries”, “learn to say no”, and “create a support system” – all of which are very good things, but they don’t really fit the quick regulation criteria that I’m going for here.

So, which of these do I personally use? Comfort Food, Mental Health Days, Sleeping In, Comfort Media, Venting, Reflecting on the Good, Meditation, Hitting a Treadmill, Scented Candle, Giving Gifts, Crying, Animals, Boundary Setting, Cleaning, and Treating Myself.

I’d take care of plants but right now I don’t have a good space for plants.

I’ll look at comfort food last, because I have a list of food.

Mental Health Days, I usually try to schedule ahead of time, around days or times I know are going to be hectic. I know that after a convention, for example, I need “cooldown days”, so usually I will take the following Monday-Wednesday off from work to cooldown from the convention.

If I don’t know ahead of time, I do feel comfortable enough to call in sick, but I vastly prefer being able to plan it, simply because of who I am as a person. It is sometimes a necessity. Sometimes there is just too much going on, and I need to step away from everything. Usually on these days, I will sleep in, or sleep for most of the day, with the promise to go back to normal tomorrow – and that is how it should be.

These are tricks to put you back in line in caring for yourself! To get you back to normal!

Now, most weekends I do sleep in a little. I wake up every day at 6am, so on weekends, I will absolutely let myself sleep in to like, 9-11. It’s a good thing I have this blog on a schedule.

Binge-Consuming Comfort Media: I do not consider this the same as observing New Media, because often for me that is a Personal Self Care, and not necessarily Emotional Self Care. It can be, but more often than not, it gets my thinking fired up and engages me in a wholly different fashion. For example, I consider playing Final Fantasy XII to be a “comfort game”, but I will not consider playing Elden Ring for the first time to be “comfort”, so much as Personal, because the former I have already done, while the latter is something new and is creating new experiences for me. One regulates my emotions, the other does not do so in a foreseeable fashion. In new games, I do not know the experiences I will have, whereas with old games, I can predict them.

I will usually use Binge-Consuming Media in downtime that I have nothing else to fill, but do not have the energy to try something new right then (usually with the promise that I will return to new things in the near future, usually the following day when this happens on a weekend, or the next weekend if this happens on Sunday). Binge-Consuming Media also tends to occur normally on Weekday Evenings, as I tend to lack any desire for new media after work. It thus helps me to stay in a calm mood throughout the night, and prepares me for the next day of work by maintaining mood, rather than changing it.

Venting has to be done with care; I have friends I can vent to, but the vast majority of them only end up aggravating me more when I vent to them. Venting is something I tend to reserve for after I’ve figured out what I’m going to do, and I just need someone else to know my pain, because very rarely are people actually able to give me decent advice. Yet, venting is still useful because it lets me finally express it, and lets other people into my life, which is healing, and allows me to move forward without feeling like I’m keeping a secret.

Akin to that, reflecting on the good is a bit more of a solitary action, but it’s useful to remember that a “bad day” isn’t a bad life. To think of the people who love me, to think of the good things that did happen, even amidst the bad, and to remember there are more good things to come. After a particularly bad day at work, remembering good things, good phone calls with customers, and just good people, is always helpful, and can prepare me to continue through the rest of the day.

Meditation is something I try to do every day, and I do feel that it helps me focus on the moment, as well as helps me work through my thoughts when I’m not meditating.

Back when gyms were safe, hitting the treadmill was great for days I just couldn’t fucking convince myself to do my weight training. It still got me in the gym, it still got me exercising, and it helped me beat out the anger while listening to a podcast or music. I felt like I could breathe. I miss this, a lot, and I look forward to being able to return to this, or getting the “Just Dance” games for my home so I can do a similar thing, without going to the gym. I was then usually able to resume weight lifting the next day – and it kept me from breaking my streak of going to the gym, back in the day.

Aromatherapy is just a thing. I enjoy it, it helps me, and I love candles, haha.

Giving Gifts is also something I like to do. Making other people happy, makes me happy, and this is often a surefire way to do that. It can be as simple as a bit of chocolate, it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Of course, I have to make sure I am financial stable enough to do that.

Crying – when I need to. Sometimes I will have to kind of force it, by putting on a movie I know will make me cry, because just bursting into tears from stress without additional stimuli can be hard, but once it’s done, it is so relieving, and it allows my brain to start to function again without feeling as much in a daze.

It’s true I do have pets, and they’re kind of around me everyday, so this is more of a routine one – the animals are a constant source of comfort, but if you don’t have pets, visiting a pet store may be beneficial to give their animals a bit of affection, or going to an animal shelter. Or perhaps watching cute animal videos if those aren’t options.

Boundary Setting is also important. While sometimes, it can be good to help others when you’re going through a thing – I find it helpful sometimes – at other times it is just too much. Being clear on that, and also giving your friend some idea of when to “check in”, is good. It also lets your friend know a bit of a time period, so they know it isn’t a permanent block on conversing. Being open and clear about your situation can only do you good when it comes to your friends – and checking in with them when you’re ready!

Cleaning is oddly enough something I do when I’m preparing for something that is Good. I feel like I must cleanse the area in preparation of the New Good Thing. I will do this when I buy a new gaming console, or a long-awaited game, for instance. It makes things feel fresh and rejuvenated. It lets me walk into the New Thing as if it is a New Thing, and it starts it off on good footing. Some of the anxiety and anticipation of it, is quelled.

Treating Myself, when it’s non-food items, is usually things like clothing for me, or new PJs lately. I will also invest in books I plan to read, one day, eventually, cute Star Wars things, shows and/or movies to watch that are new, or things that generally speaking bring joy into my life. Sometimes emotional regulation, is also about reward. If you’re doing good in your life, you absolutely SHOULD be rewarded for it! Otherwise, why bother with balance and moderation? Why not live a hedonistic lifestyle? That would be far more pleasant if balance and moderation don’t have rewards. Not all emotional regulation is just to stop being sad, it’s also to be vindicated and celebrate good events. Celebrating IS regulating, when it calls for it, obviously. So I’m not encouraging here spending your money on whims because you are sad, but spending it more when you’re happy, and doing good.

And then we get to Comfort Foods. What do I use for comfort foods?

Chipotle Gouda Pasta Salad

Lime-Chipotle Pasta Salad

“Chicken” Fried Steak (Scare quotes because I’m a vegetarian so it’s fake meat)

“Tuna” Salad

Cheesecake, particularly raspberry white chocolate, or turtle.

Ice cream, particularly from Cold Stone, but usually either Rocky Road or Raspberry with Chocolate Chunks. There’s also Love Potion #9 which I have to drive a significant distance for….

Extra Lattes (note the extra – I already have these planned in with my meal plans).

Hot Chocoalte

Potatoes O’Brien and Gravy

The idea behind Comfort Food: Eating tasty food often restores a mood, or at least puts us in a better mindset. They aren’t always the healthiest things, though they aren’t necessarily unhealthy. They have to be done in moderation, as you see I indicate with lattes it’s “extra” lattes that go on the comfort food side. I usually have two decaf lattes a week, one on Wednesday, and one on Friday.

Comfort Foods are for a “limited time”. An extra latte means I don’t get one the following day, or I don’t get one every single day of the week. I take the comfort it offers when it’s needed, and resume my usual drinking habits.

Things like Pasta Salad are for weeks when I need a bit of help, or when I’ve done good, because they’re multiple serving things. So like, my birthday week, eating a pasta is good. Or a week where everything went to hell, and I can’t focus on making something “new” and I just need to eat – but then it’s right back to normality after that week. This is not have pasta for an entire month, this is a way to set intentions, and work on orienting myself back to normal with food I love, and food I can make with my eyes closed.

Single-serving things, like cheesecake or hot chocolate, are usually Reward self-care. Like fuck yeah, I did great, I should give myself a little treat. It encourages my good behavior, and does not become an indulgence. It also ends up “planned”, and so the rest of the meals work around that indulgence so I don’t go overboard with it, either.

Knowing what foods, and what I use them for, helps me to use them when they will be most beneficial for me. Things like “extra lattes” also makes me think: Do I really want to do this now, or wait until the day I’m going to have it? Is there a reason I need it now? What will I do after I have it? How does this impact everything else in the balance?

So these are kind of the “quick trick” emotional self-care tools I use. Obviously, you should try to have a steady way of regulating your emotions, but shit happens. Cars break down, work days suck, friends are angry, people die…we need to have tools to get “back to normal”, or close enough to normal.

And you should also, absolutely, take time to treat yourself in self-care! If you don’t reward yourself, what’s the point in being “balanced”, and not just living a hedonistic lifestyle? That’s why comfort food as rewards is a thing! It’s why you can use these as rewards, if it helps, for doing good!

These are just what I do, and what I suggest. These are ideas to get you thinking about what you could put on a list, and how that could help you. If these same ideas work for you, great! If not, you just have to feel out yourself to determine what will help you! Brainstorm with your loved ones!