#i actually have no clue if the hate for touch is an autistic thing or just something I developed

[swirly-lemonade]

I love doodling

[vampirecatboy]

Hello yes tell us about cthonic gods please

ok ok so

clarification for those that need it: Cthonic deities in Greek Mythology are gods and goddesses and entities that reside in the Underworld

first off i want to say that Hades game was such a godsend for me, because to have such a popular, well-made piece of media that is all about my special interest is like the best gift an autistic person can get

i'll start with my two favorite boys: Hypnos and Thanatos

they are twins, first of all, two sons of Nyx, personification of night, and Erebus, who is darkness (i don't know if Hades game ever touched on this but Hypnos' mom was literally within shouting distance)

Thanatos hates mortals because they hate him (he is not the god of death he just is death, and not many mortals like death) and he hates the Olympians because they can't die, juries out on if he hates his own twin but there is this really cute painting that shows them asleep together, so i would guess ol Thanny is fond of his brother

now also the thing about Thanatos is that he is the personification of peaceful death, it's the furies who deal with violent death, like he's giving people a peaceful passing and they still hate him. death is death i suppose

also i know Thanatos is a love interest in Hades game, but in actual mythology he had no consorts and no children, truly aroace misanthropic king

now onto Hypnos, the personification of sleep, who did fuck, and had at least three children but i'll get to them in a sec

he lives in a grotto on the river Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, one of the five rivers of the Underworld (the others are the Styx, of course, Cocytus, Phlegethon, and Acheron), he has his own court of minor gods and goddesses, including one of my personal favorites, Aergia, goddess of sloth and laziness, truly a "yes girl give us nothing!" moment honestly

there's also this story that i love, related to a mortal man who was also the lover of Selene, the moon. his name was Endymion, and in the more well known story, he was so beautiful when he slept, that Selene wanted to keep him in a state of eternal sleep, and they had 50 children, somehow, but the version of the story that i like (for reasons that will be very obvious lol) is that it was actually Hypnos who fell in love with him for the same reason as Selene, so he put Endymion into a state of eternal sleep, specifically with his eyes open, because he loved gazing into them (gay ass) no clue if their relationship was ever consummated like with Selene but one can imagine, this is Greek mythology after all

now Endymion wasn't the only lover Hypnos ever had, he also fell in love with one of Hera's graces (attendants?) whose name was Pasithea, and showing some remarkable restraint for a divine man in Greek myth, instead of abducting her or taking her by force, he asked Hera if he could marry her, and she agreed on the condition that he help turn the tide of the Trojan war (which is not my special interest so do not ask me about it, i know nothing lol)

with Pasithea, Hypnos had three sons, the most famous of which was Morpheus, god of dreams, his other two sons were Phobetor and Phantasos, but they all represent different aspects of dreaming, objects, beasts and people. Morpheus was specifically people in dreams, but he was the clear favorite and sort of took up the whole mantle from the other two Oneiroi

actually, addendum because i looked it up to check and the Oneiroi are the sons of Somnus, Hypnos' Roman equivalent, in Greek mythology they are his brothers. the rest of that is accurate though

so to summarize: Thanatos, aroace king, Hypnos, respectful if a bit weird bisexual, Aergia, just hangin' honestly

the twins have been depicted many ways, sometimes old men, sometimes babies, but i think most often they ended up being depicted as epheboi, teenagers

also it is very important that you know that Hypnos has head wings in a lot of his depictions, i forget if they depicted that in Hades but honestly who cares his design slaps either way

onto the most interesting thing for me about Hades game: Zagreus. he's obscure in Greek mythology, like all of Hades' alleged children, Macaria and Melinoe being the two i can remember. some scholars believe Zagreus to actually be Dionysus, because Dionysus also has ties to the underworld, i think in relation to his mother, like he had to rescue her from there or something? kind of a reverse of what Zagreus is trying to do in the game

i.... i think that's all the info i have to dump

i will not advocate for the accuracy of everything in this ramble (especially not the Zagreus/Dionysus bit, the stance among scholars might've changed since i acquired this information lol) but i certainly had fun thank you so much for asking me about this

[vivihar]

JSJDJDJJDJDJDJJ your entire premise on same age tomerus is so cute omg 💞💞💞 i love how clueless tom is about the entirety of his feelings for severus until he sees sev exploring his sexuality with someone else 😭😭😭 it particularly makes sense in my mind bcs to me, tom is autistic (in some degree), he seems like the kind of autistic person that imitates what is right and what seems to appease other people while not necessarily understanding it, he charmed people easily and adopted a perfect external image that he didn't try to use only on dumbledore bcs he knew who tom really was, so i do think it would take tom a little longer to realize his thinly veiled obsession with severus, the possessivity, the overwhelming need to do everything together, the codependency is actually romantic and not brotherly 🥲 it's cute bcs i think in this au sev is not that all that insecure and self-hating, but he still wouldn't be the first to make a first move and he's not an idiot and can see the effect tom has on people, that he's dashing and he's convinced tom can have whoever he wants and tom uses this to his advantage, but only wants severus. omg they're both capricorns i know tom would smile and be charming and then turn around and roll his eyes and shit-talk whoever he had to sweet-talk to, with severus. he would perpetually make this distinction of how he "secretly hates and can't stand everyone", even the ones that do nothing but praise him and adore him, and make severus feel special bcs he tells severus everything.

OH I HAVE THIS ENTIRE FIC IDEA that i don't know if i'll write, hopefully, but the way i see it i don't think tom would have a very passive reaction if severus was being bullied in front of him. like in my same age tomerus they did met at hogwarts and there was lily (i love complicating things for severus), but tom and lily's modus operandi are completely different. like tom is not going to have a yelling/scolding fit with either sirius or james. tom straight up sets either of them up for an accident or punish them painfully without neither realizing it's him behind it all 😭😭😭 like after swm (altered ofc in some aspects), days later james potter is sent to the infirmary with deep cuts around his genital zone that can't be healed with simple magic, so he has to get stitches, *real* stitches (which tom made deliberate and it's a nice touch for him bcs "that's what you get for trying to expose sev's privates", he thinks), and nobody knows who did this to him? like who managed without being seen without traceable hint of whose wand did it like there's no CLUE who can do this and get away with it. and it's a bit of a scandal at hogwarts, nobody suspects severus bcs tom planned it carefully and severus had witnesses about where he was studying at when james was getting attacked. and i can imagine sev and tom having a whole back and forth about it, like sev suspected tom immediately and tom wanted to play coy, denied for awhile, and then just caved and admitted he did it. sev is like "😟..." while tom is handing details, saying he could've murdered him very easily, but spared him! like "it's not a big deal, he deserves worse, i was mild about it". there's a silence in which sev is processing he's in love with a maniac, and tom is just seizing up sev's reaction, quietly asks if sev is going to tell anyone, and severus quickly responds that no, ofc he won't, how could he?! and it's a realization for them both. that severus is willing to cover tom up in anything, and tom realizes the same, allows himself to joke and gloat about how james had been turning around like an idiot yelling "who is doing it?" making severus laugh at last about the whole thing, and it's basically sev realizing he has a very insane bf who is willing to go to insane lengths for him but 🤷‍♀️

AND YES OMG i find it so sad that in the end v had to kill sev bcs in his own way it really felt like sev was the only person tom ever had real deferences for. he wasn't supposed to love and he didn't, but i think he must've liked severus in his own way. we're supposed to think he was super evil, but there's no mention of him painfully punishing severus, only thrusting him and not even shaming him for his feelings for lily, he ENJOYED killing james potter and then tried, tried to spare lily once, twice, thrice, more than one could expect. it's stated voldemort taught his DEs the dark magic he learnt, even wormtwil learnt from him, but i like to think too that he specially liked to teach severus, that to him severus was a natural (like himself), and among the obvious grooming (17-18 yo sev being lured by 51yo v?), among the things v must've said to entice severus to his side, surely he must've been honest with some arguments, in seeing talent and potential and there's so much of me in you, you just need the proper guidance. i just think their relationship is so interesting, same age or not, it's bound to have their lives intertwining someway or another. (english isn't my first language either btw, dw ☝️)

Thank youuuu😙💞

And omg autistic Tom?? I always would think about autistic Severus but omg this clicked something in my brain! Thank you so much 😭💞

Tom shows an act to everyone else but Severus is just the best trope ever. Not only does Severus feel special the best part is also Tom doesn't do it because he thinks it would make Sev happy he does that because Sev is the only person he could show his real personality and be comfortable with.

Also them talking shit together would be so epic. Both of them are observant people and they would see things the person themselves doesn't realize and they would just point it out after one and one 😭 they're so *squeezing them together*

Reading Tom talking sweetly with Severus is actually my therapy. Tom wouldn't realize his feelings but every time he says a word to Severus people around them who hear it would get so jealous because that's not the bored voice they always get from him. Severus is special to him and only Tom wouldn't be aware of it😭

I think the only time Severus wouldn't be like "they deserve someone better" is when he isn't with his father. Every au he's growing up with his father would end up damage to his thought about himself. But Tom would fix that easily 💞💞 (I sometimes think every time Severus refer something about himself as ugly Tom would kiss him there and scold him for it. Even before he realizes his feelings lmao he's so stupidly in love)

and OH MY GOD that fic idea is brilliant. I don't have personal hate (maybe a little) towards marauders but it's literally become a hobby to make V|Tom hurting them for Severus. The genital thing is brilliant, omg Tom I love you. And Lily! İt would be amazing Sev and Lils childhood friends and Tom being so jealous because of it hating her so deeply and he also would accuse her for not being good friend because she doesn't 'physically' stops marauders and Tom would whisper these words in Severus's ears until their friendship ends.

I also think Tom would make Sirius end up in front of Wolf!Remus and do some magic so he couldn't turn in his animagi form. He would watch Remus hurt him bad then get him out. If you ask me how he wouldn't be exposed well it's Tom riddle dear he's the genius don't ask me.

Sev would always choose Tom in this au. He could kill everyone and still be like '... İt's fucked up but he loves me awww' lmao both of them aren't really good. I like Tom being a crazy obsessed lover. He would cherish Severus and at the same time would plan the future of every person who hurt Sev and how to get rid of them. And Tom being 'it wasn't that serious' omg I love him😭 Severus would be his calm point but if someone hurt his lover well who told you that was a good idea?? I feel like he would try his best to hide things he does so it wouldn't disturb Sev but every time Sev just gets little angry and they later cuddle he feels so happy because Severus just loves him that much and he just stupid he would want to do it more so he could see Severus chose him over and over again.

Ugh I hope you would write it because this is perfect😩

"I regret it" he makes me sick. He did care about Severus and this again if he grew up with Merope everything would be so different it makes me sickkkkk. And he's just like me, I might have laugh a little👌🏽when James died.

I don't remember but I think flying magic isn't really dark magic (or is it I don't remember sorry) so V teaching others for war but Severus because he likes teaching Severus is just my fav HC.

He probably used all sweet lies with Severus to make him a devoted follower but Severus probably was one of the few he was the most honest with. They would talk because he enjoyed talking to someone smart like Severus and he taught him because Severus was natural. *Sigh* their relationship is one of the most interesting ones in the HP world. I didn't even care about HP, it has been years since I saw anything about it but for some reason I started to ship them and bum deep down in this dirt hole.

(and two non-english speakers writing masterpieces 🤝🏼 exaggerating but who cares Tomerus shippers only have us for now 😋)

[wandaluvstacos]

it's weird to me to be both neurotypical and yet never feel like I can access this fundamental ability to foster human connection that seems easy for other people. like, I imagine maybe autistic people feel like this in a way, like there's some kind of secret knowledge everyone else has access to that you don't.

i just think it kinda sucks that I know I'm going to grow old without a support system and I just have to like, live with that? I want to connect with other people but I also don't want to. Every time I hang out with someone, I derive some benefit in feeling like "yes, I am supposed to be doing this because having friends is a good thing!" but there's no genuine excitement there. And I have a good enough time while I'm doing it but then I go right back home and think "I would rather be here by myself actually". If friends didn't occasionally reach out to me, to be honest, I don't think I'd reach out to them.

I think whatever personality quirks of mine are genetic, because my parents don't really have friends either. My siblings do. And I do, technically, but I guess I just lack this deep need/want for human companionship. I WANT to WANT it, that's where my desire lies. I understand the logistical nightmare of growing old alone, and practically I know I have to have support structures. But it's an intellectual desire more than an emotional one. Like, people on here will talk about touch starvation and I have no fucking clue what they're even talking about. I could go the rest of my life without being touched. It's not anything I even think about.

I think the worst part is that I've just never heard about this sort of thing. I'm always looking for some kind of word or identity that captures it so I can actually talk about it with someone else who gets it, but nothing matches-- not depression, not autism, not ADHD, not alexithymia, not even introversion. I just hate how shit feels so hard and draining and unless there's a visit from God in my future, I don't see it ever getting any easier or better. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired, and cut off from what I guess in most people is a fundamental drive for companionship. like lord, I just wanna know what it's like.

[wings-of-flying]

finished lockwood & co! thoughts time!!

the more comprehensible ones first. the visual direction on this show is fucking genius!! some highlights include: lockwood's outfit (i want that coat), actually being able to see shit during the nighttime scenes, the design of the house, the choice to make lucy wear blue all the time, the stupid little uniforms that kipps and his guys wear, the design of the ghosts, the dream sequence in like episode 2 (?), the red room, etc.

also i called joplin being bad from the second she opened her mouth, i think it was the music that clued me in. hate her. the show did a great job making me extremely uncomfortable when she was around.

i love lockwood. asshole in a suit, and he's got trauma that causes him to be cold and arrogant and distant? sign me the fuck up! he looks good with his own blood running down his face (and i can say that bc his actor is 20)

i knew norrie was gonna die (or something similar) the moment they started talking about future plans in ep 1. still broke me when it happened. the 3 years earlier sequence was probably the most intense introduction to what i thought was gonna be a somewhat typical ya tv show i've ever seen

love that the show doesn't pretend to be self aware, and in fact leans into a lot of tropes and clichés bc it works! if they were too afraid to be seen as too cheesy it would've ruined the whole show, so i'm really glad they weren't

flo <3

i really like the writing. it felt very natural to go from one arc to another, the characters felt tangible, their actions completely within reason for who they are and what they've been through. could've fleshed out winkman (?) a little. he felt a little flat, though maybe he'll make a comeback in another season

they're fucking children. this whole world is fucked. they make children fight fucking ghosts. fucked up world. hope that if they make more seasons this will be addressed in depth. they hinted at it here and there, but i need them to have a full a-plot conflict about it. i haven't read the books but i'm assuming this is a thing that happens in them (and if not they really fumbled the bag)

sorry thinking about flo again.....

thinking about lockwood again. he needs to be bashed in the skull with a 2x4. maybe that'll make him normal. i love him <3

god george reminds me of michael from be more chill. no clue if you've seen it, or listened to the soundtrack, but they're the same person

since we're on the topic of george, that guy is so fucking autistic holy shit! so is flo. autistic in two different directions

i'll probably have more thoughts in a few days, once i've allowed myself to process the show in it's entirety. meanwhile enjoy... whatever this is :3

yessss!!!! so glad you enjoyed it, i'm literally so insane about it at the moment!

all the stuff about the costumes and set design and lighting is just like!!! hell yeah!! we can actually see at night, which is great because that's when the majority of it's set

the characters are all so so great and i love them and they have so much depth and interesting things about them!!! have you picked up on lockwood's socks yet? they start off pink and then as the series progresses they go to blue to match with lucy!!!

and the world building!!!!! you've probably gathered by now that i'm a sucker for good world building and this show!!!!!! has it!!!!! i really fuckin hope we get another season so we can see more of it (but also i'm gonna read the books soon so i'll know if the shit's all addressed)

george is so so autistic. and i get what you mean about flo, very true tbh

how did you feel about the slow burn romance? because i'm obsessed with it! how their hands always touch for a little too long etc

also i can fix kipps. yep. i can make him better. he grew on me towards the end and now i love him. pathetic man. falls exactly in my type

AND YES!! the intro shit was so!!!!! it was just!!! ahhh!!! norrie and lucy 100% had some gay shit going on. and it was so tragic and ajaavqghshshshs

the skull!!! i love/hate it! it's just so funny and silly and evil and manipulative!

and yeah with joplin i had a feeling from when she started talking with george. i was literally calling out 'grooming! grooming moment!' whenever she was with george. and the ending with the bone glass!!!! omg i went insane!

the winkman shit was terrifying, especially the auction. literally gave me goosebumps. but it was all worth it for the locklyle scene with lucy calming him down when he had a panic attack!

anyway as you can tell i'm not normal about this show

[kylejsugarman]

SUPERSTORE AUTISM HEADCANONS

Dina

* Good at math

* To the point of being able to do basic math in her head

* 198+535? Give her 5 seconds.

* Math always came easy to her

* Good at learning music

* Learned guitar very quickly

* Also can play piano

* She’s a very skilled singer despite never having lessons

* Bad at reading social cues

* She’s not bothered by this, and she doesn’t care. It’s not her fault neurotypical bitches make things so complicated.

* Dislikes physical affection

* She only sometimes tolerates, depending on who they’re from

* She’s okay with being touched, but she doesn’t particularly enjoy it

* She doesn’t know pop culture

* She does, however, know the most random niche information, and is appalled when others don’t also know the random trivia she knows.

* Stims

* Making noises vocally

* Jumping

* Waving her arms

* Does not bother masking most times

* She does it so rarely that it’s very obvious when she is masking

* Special Interests

* Birds

* Security

* Knives

* Low empathy

* Strong sense of right and wrong

* Usually this is in a rule sense, but there are a few cases where her morals don’t align with rules, and she breaks them to stick with said morals.

* Biggest example in my opinion is her efforts to keep Mateo from getting detained

* Coping methods

* Sex

* Hitting and breaking things

* Hates changes in routine

Jonah

* Bad at reading social cues

* In denial over his struggles with reading them, thinking he’s great at it, when in fact he’s exactly the opposite

* Implying he’s bad at reading social clues will offend him

* He cannot stop masking

* He doesn’t realize he’s masking, but he was raised to mask his entire life, so it’s just normal to him

* He is always exhausted because of this

* Stims

* Moving his hands or arms in any way

* Twirling pens

* Repeating words

* Loves physical affection

* To the point of pushing it, and not noticing when it’s too much

* He gives hugs a lot

* Special interests

* The Americans

* Politics

* Musical Theatre

* Constellations

* Horses

* High empathy

* Strong sense of right and wrong

* Coping mechanisms

* Comfort shows

* Talking about it

* Or yelling if he needs to

* Quiet alone time

* He enjoys changes in his routine

Eric

* Bad at reading social cues

* Literally the worst

* He knows this to an extent but he’s not aware of just how bad he is at it

* Loves physical affection

* But he’s picky on who he’s affectionate with

* He does mask

* However, he unmasks around his safe people (Mateo, Amy, etc)

* He doesn’t really have the proper terminology for it but he’s sort of aware when he needs to put up a nice face or where he can just be stoic

* He’s good with eye contact and doesn’t hate it

* Stims

* Biting/Chewing

* Clicking pens

* Anything he can busy his hands with actually

* Whistling

* High empathy

* Special Interests

* Plants

* Specifically succulents

* Trains

* This one is literally so self indulgent but I don’t care lmao

* Baking

* Giraffes

* Weather

* Likes to sit on the floor

* Disassociates a lot

* Dislikes changes in routine

* Coping mechanisms

* Rocking

* Hugging his giraffe stuffy

* Baking

so obsessed with these and how u think about them, they really are So Autistic in such different and varied ways.....this is a wonderful reading of those characters and its so fun to really explore their behavior thru the lens of being aggressively neurodivergent

[sunnywalnut]

The hardest part about being autistic/Neurodiverse is being told that the way we communicate is "wrong" and "pointless" only to realize that the way allistic people communicate ALSO doesn't make sense to a lot of people but having to deal with it anyways.

Cause like yeah. Everybody is really nervous when Brenda brings her casserole to the potluck because they KNOW it's going to be bad. But we let Brenda do it anyways. Because it makes Brenda happy. And if that means I have to have a little bit on my plate that I only take one bite of, that's fine. Because while Brenda isn't really good at making casseroles, she's really nice and I don't want to make her sad. Because I like Brenda. And she also listened to me talk about fossils for half an hour when nobody else listened.

I COULD tell Brenda that actually I WON'T be touching her casserole because even though I love her, it tastes awful and it throws my sensory issues out of whack.

And that would be objectively the truth. Which I'm VERY inclined to follow. Because I hate lying and lying is wrong in every possible way.

But even if I say it in the nicest way possible, it's still likely gonna come out wrong and Brenda is going to be upset with me. Because it never really was about the casserole. It was about spending time with me and everyone else, and providing something for us to share.

Just like how she doesn't really know much about fossils. But she listens to me anyways. Because she loves me and she loves seeing me happy.

Smalltalk is somewhat the same.

It's never really about the weather. Or whether school is out yet or what your plans are for the weekend.

It's just because people like to talk and connect with each other. Even if it's just in small ways like asking how you feel about the rain.

You don't really have to answer with anything creative or more than "I like it. It makes for good naps." As long as you answer, nobody's worried. There's no right or wrong answer.

Also like op said. We don't need to divide ourselves with superiority complexes. Because enough allistic folks have them, just on the opposite side of things. Creating ones of our own just makes this awful game of 3D chess where NOBODY'S MOVING FORWARD, they just keep moving side to side and backwards. There's no intersection. There's no common ground. It's just two people talking in riddles to each other and having no clue what's going on.

And YES. This happens with fellow autistic people too!!

I've had SO MANY autistic people adopt the "communication is stupid, why don't you understand what I mean?" Mindset SO STRICTLY that even if I genuinely DO want to be friends and I try my absolute hardest to talk to them, I get NOWHERE. Because they don't give me any leeway!

They don't tell me how they feel about the little stuff. Like the rain, or shiny crystals, or their favorite animals. And yet, most times, I'm expected to know how to ask about big things. Like their family, or their favorite hobby, or their favorite media.

BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM TO LEAD TO THAT!!

Little things are foundations towards big things. YES I think eye contact is stupid and I want to crawl in a hole and die when I try. YES I think the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what allistic people are saying is stressful. YES I think being asked 5 times in one day about the rain is exhausting.

But that doesn't mean they aren't all valid forms of communication!!!

They're just ones I don't really like that much.

Which is fine. Because I can learn. And so can they. As long as we both keep moving forward.

"Actually the autistic way of communication is the superior one and allistics are so stupid for expecting me to-" No guys I'm sorry, but the road to effective communication is to actually listen, communicate, accommodate to the best of your ability and try to find a middle ground, not to develop separate superiority complexes

[jessetransman]

i've been binge-reading stobotnik fics and decided to compile some of my favorite things i've seen as tropes and such, there may be some sensitive stuff in here but i dont really go in depth abt them

angst

agent stone has the most fucked up backstory

like he either fucked up a mission big time and was sent to robotnik as "punishment" or he was literally tortured

the doctor fucks up things with stone ASTRANOMICALLY. out of this world shit. and he feels guilty because this is the first guy whos actually cared for him.

goes w the trans!stone hc, gender dysphoria stone, since ive never seen the doctor as someone who really cares for genatalia if he was trans himself, he just does whatever the fuck he wants. Flat chest? New and Improved Government Made Binder! Slaaayy Button!

i saw one fic where walters was robotniks dad, and robotnik said hes an orphan because his mother died+ he doesnt see walters as his dad and that BROKE ME. my masculinity CRACKED.

either of them being heavily injured. that actually killed my grandma. that trope as a whole killed my whole family actually. wdym robotnik panicking over losing his agent or robotnik forgetting he's human and getting heavily injured himself

fluff

the doctor cracks and comforts stone

or compliments him. Begrudgingly.

the doctor dances infront of/with stone

stone makes the doctor a proper breakfast out of worry for his health

im an autistic!robotnik truther through and through so when i see stone complying to the traits of the doctor (e.g the whole texture stuff, social cues, etc) my heart melts. Who doesn't love a decent man with should-be common decency?

other

stone's name as aban. its all i gaf abt. give me better names rn. You cannot. to the person who started that i love u sm i use that name in my fics

the doctor figuring out his feelings yet not. love this man going "hah? huh? human emotion? no. No I actually just hate him a lot"

the canonical 'getting-in-the-agent's-face' thing. Use it more let me see that man nearly touch lips with stone

french robotnik. i saw it once. you have no clue how it changed my whole perspective of life. he gotta have some of that french blood somewhere fo sho

stone > robotnik strength wise. stone had some crazy ass training and ive seen that man's Body (im ngl hes hot as fuck) he'd be able to pick up robotnik fairly easily, i wanna see more agent stones strength being shown off to robotnik unintentionally and robotnik just Musing over it

autistic robotnik. click post. need i say more.

forgot to add. ginger robotnik but he dyes his hair brunette. I SAW IT ONCE BUT . it . it makes sense mannn

thats all i could think of at 3:15am . ty for coming to my ted talk

[bokettochild]

small rant warning, very personal, I'm just processing

The actual heck? The heck? The heckity heck?

Okay, so I just read the Autistic Legend headcannons and...I'm.....confused? That's autistic behavior? I grew up with two autistic kids and a dad and sister who my mom defines as having 'aspergers', and I had no clue?

My mom claims to be able to identify autism and whatnot with ease after working with children for 30+ years, but I'm beginning to doubt it because more and more I have been running into information from autistic people themselves, and not doctors or neuro-typical folks, and...I'm....relating to it? And she's never said anything?

Like, the autistic Legend headcannons for instance.

Food. I don't eat well. I always thought it was because I have had mouth surgery twice, once so I could breath properly because apparently my tonsils were so big the doctors were surprised I could breath at all while lying down, and a second time to bore a hole through my jaw so a tooth would actually come down. Anyways, the second one was sort of recent, just a year ago, and since then eating has been trickier. I always was told I was super picky, although that might be true? I can't eat beans because the texture makes me sick, but cornmeal based things are something I just can't handle. There's other things, mostly just spicy foods or heavily seasoned things, but as of late, most breads and meats are on the list too. I mean, I can eat them, but making myself do so can range from just a bit of worry to straight up trying to force it while my throat closes.

Stims. The cracking knuckles and messing with hair hit me in the gut because I do that a lot! I pop my knuckles whenever I'm nervous or have nothing to do with myself, that or roll my neck. But if I have to sit still a long time and listen to something or read or get caught trying to focus, I've always had an issue with scratching. Like, my head, my hands. I used to make both bleed because while it didn't necessarily feel good, it was satisfying in a weird way and helped me handle school stress and stuff better.

Clothes. I grew up wearing different clothes each day but honestly choosing them is a chore and if I could I'd fall back to my go to flannel shirt, maybe a tank top, and a pair of pants. the flannel is big and comfy and warm, and makes me feel safe. It's sort of like a boyfriend's sweater? But minus the boyfriend. I bought the biggest men's size they had in store and while I'm not drowning in it, it makes me feel better because I can pretend or imagine I'm borrowing a loved one's clothes, which helps a lot when I'm feeling lonely and/or touch starved (aka most of the time). But yeah, could I get away with wearing stuff like this all the time I would? Just, I like looking nice, but this outfit doesn't bother my skin the way lots of other clothes do. Most clothes feel a bit restraining or heavy or too much or too tight or just wrong. Like, I look good, but someone's always got something to say, and at least with my flannel there's no question about stuff. I'm being lazy, I know it doesn't look nice, it doesn't matter how it fits because it's too big to tell what I look like beneath (for the most part, i'm still female), in fact it even makes me look smaller (my mom's always on us about looking fat and/or pregnant despite the fact we've all just got naturally wider set skeletons). I just- having a set of clothes that's your go to to avoid making choices of other clothes?

Honestly, I have no clue how much of this is actually ND stuff, I'm just referencing that headcannon list.

Does a hatred of socks and shoes count? Does hating have the blankets over your feet count? Does a hatred of gloves count? We live near the mountains, it gets freaking cold, but I don't like hand/foot cages, even if I know I need them because otherwise I could get really sick (that and my skin cracks and bleeds with humidity and harsh winds, never mind the cold)

Yelling. The yelling thing hit. I can't handle volume anyway, my hearing is shit. That said, I randomly just...need to huff? I exclaim when reading stuff, even if it's just me. I babble at characters and I huff and exclaim and shout and I thought it was just a reading thing but sometimes it happens when I'm thinking too? Or just...I need to make sounds?

And then there's the muttering. I think better aloud. I will walk circles and think out loud, and have done so. I wore a small circular track into the ground behind our barn because I would tell myself stories as a coping mechanism and just rant or chatter things out to myself. My mom fusses about it and tells me to stop because "it's disturbing and you know what our families mental health history looks like!" which yeah, her whole family are a bunch of wackadoos; like, yes they have mental illness, but they're also just, as she says, scary. Like, abusive, insane, and in one case, potentially possessed.

So I get it, but also, I'm just talking to myself? It helps me process. There aren't people who want to hear my ideas and I've been laughed at enough to know not to chatter around other people, so I talk to me, because while I may judge, I will always offer constructive criticism and if I laugh I'm laughing with myself. So yeah, I chatter at myself and I murmur under my breath and I read well if I'm doing so aloud.

And I hum. I need music. It's less of a thing outside the house, but when home, if I'm not doing something with another person that requires chatter, I need music. I can function without it, but it helps. I know it's mostly so I can filter the chatter and the noise of the house, because tuning into that 24/7 is painful for my poor brain since it never stops. My mom can come down any time of day or night and clatter outside my door in her schoolroom/office, and there's almost always something going on. Tuning into all current emotions, conversations, footsteps and whatnot is frustrating and music offers a break. But it also just....occupies the brain?

The gestures thing hit too. I know I'm supposed to motion and so I motion a lot. I talk a lot with my body, and my sisters have repeatedly pointed out my tendency to "pose". I pose all the time. I'm constantly aware of eyes and while I might not always be sitting pretty or whatever, I know exactly what my pose means at any given time and will adjust accordingly in order to...I don't know.... seem normal? Follow rules? I have no clue why I do it anymore, I just know I do it and I can't remember not doing so. They're not even crazy poses! I'm just good at controlling my body most times?

And then there's the explaining thing that was mentioned. I'm....not very smart. I write and I create but science is a pain to me, and while math can be a fun puzzle to solve, it is also not my strength. I'm also just not good with practical stuff. Politics is confusing, people are confusing, medical whatnot and finance and whatnot are confusing, and whenever anyone talks to me about anything outside of creative pursuits I feel like a blasted idiot and just want to cry because I have so much trouble understanding. And for this reason, whenever I talk about anything at all, I feel the need to over-explain everything because I have no clue how much anyone might or might not understand about what I'm saying, and I want them to understand and not be confused to tears like I get, but I also don't want to treat them like idiots. So I keep finding myself going "does that make sense?" "did you get that?" "did any of that makes sense or...?" and usually it's fine, because it's just a couple sisters who I can chatter to and most of the time they chatter a lot too about similar things, although without the confirmation and whatnot. Although to be fair, I tend to keep track of what people tell me about their interests if I see them a lot because my bully/elder sibling trained me to always be able to snap up whatever crumbs of her interests she'd drop so I could maintain a proper conversation about her interests without frustrating her with having to remind me what character, anime, episode, season and whatnot she was talking about, despite the fact she didn't want me to know too much and so I could never actually see certain things or know certain facts until I was deemed worthy or ready or she just couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I swear I learned to keep seven or more shows straight and regurgitate info on them at the drop of a hat!

But yeah. Things don't make sense and I don't grasp new stuff well unless it's people's personal interests, and I'm never sure my interests or thought processes make sense to others.

Also, apparently some of my characterizations of characters are ND coded? I've had people point out ADHD tendencies in Legend and... that's just stuff I do? Or stuff I feel he would do? Chatting and writing/drawing at the same time? Skipping to new thoughts and then trying not to double back only to realize people want to go back? That's actually never happened but I think I'd be surprised if it did, hence writing Legend as so.

And just..... things make sense? Posts about being ND are relatable? I am confused in a million ways.

I've been told all my life that my siblings were the ND kids. I was the normal one. I have built my whole sense of self off of being normal. I'm average height in a family of yeti's. I'm curvy but not too much so in a family where we go from "starves herself skinny" to "struggling to get back to a healthy weight for safeties sake". I was the brown haired brown eyed (they're green now? they were brown when I was a kid though?) quiet, behaved, responsible kid who watched babies for hours at age ten so other kids could play and parents could work on projects. I was the one counted on to be normal and responsible and not break down and cry. I was the good kid. I was the normal kid. And while I know being good and being neuro-typical are not dependent on each other (heaven knows so many NT people are asses) it's still odd to think....

Growing up, I knew the list:

Dad is autism spectrum

Mom is ADHD, OCD, Type A and has PTSD (and maybe more?)

Eldest sister is autism spectrum

Second elder sibling is ADHD, Bi-polar, ADD, OCD and a lot of other stuff my parents never looked into because they thought it was just a label and didn't realize they could get her help with it

Two siblings after me are both autistic. My brother is traditionally autistic, what most people think of (so says my mom), and my sister is more sensory seeking and with a bit of difficulty with socializing and understanding social cues and whatnot, but she's smart, pretty and funny so people don't even notice (I don't think).

The sister after them was my ally in normalicy, we were the "normal, good kids" as far as anyone was concerned.

The siblings after that are ADHD, have attachment issues (likely abandonment issues too, although that's me speaking and not a diagnosis) and my youngest sister has no much I don't even know half of it! She's got a missing chromosome, poor hearing, cognitive delays, speech delays, and is just generally not the normal seven year old , (which isn't bad; God made her just how she ought to be and we love her).

I love them all. I treasure them all. But in a family of twelve where nearly everyone had some sort of struggle with mental, physical, emotional or educational matters, I was the normal kid who handled stuff well and that was what made me stand out. That's what I relied on to remind myself that there was something different about me that made me worth people's time. I mean, we have to compete! There's only 24 hours in a day, two parents and ten kids, not to mention work, lesson planning and the fact we rarely see them much because they hold up in their room to work.

Being normal was my special. Being dependable was what made me matter. Being able to handle things made my parents smile and praise me and I won't lie, I lived for that because that's all I had going for me.

But then I crashed in senior year, I've floundered since, I stopped mattering because I was dependable because I could hardly depend on myself. I may not even be normal? I may not even be what I though made me matter and while I know there's nothing wrong with being ND and normal is really nothing more than a setting on a washing machine, it's still........confusing? Scary? So, so......something?

Words?!!??!?!?!?!!?

I keep getting kicked in the ass with the clues I might not be all I thought I was, and...yeah.

I'm not trying to devalue anyone, or say there's something wrong with being ND, I just....it's a process? I'm trying to process a potential reality that may have been the real one all along?

I'm wondering if my mom knows and decided to never tell me or admit it because leaving a 14 year old potentially ND kid in charge of seven special needs kids, ages 12 to 0, as well as a small farm, most of the housework and meal prep, and her own schooling is like...messed up? Like, does she realize?

There's stuff I keep hearing that I remember doing as a kid.

I didn't like social play, I liked organizing the toys. I rearranged the church nursery's baby doll beds, clothes and babies. Made sure to arrange everything perfectly, sort by clothing type and size and sort (I was like 11). I didn't "cook" with toy food. I made arrangements and then left them there because I didn't want to break them. I didn't always want adventures in games, I liked systems. I learned to play adventures, but I liked making patterns and arrangements and schedules and following them.

And people? I have not a clue how to address people! I spent a good portion of my first dance in highschool hiding behind the scenery/in the bathroom and sobbing because I felt so out of place and confused and lonely. I struggle to connect, to converse. I can read people to a point but I never know what's wanted of me so I flounder? I broke off my only romantic relationship because (a) I didn't like him like that and (b) I had no clue what he wanted of me because no one was asking/demanding like I'm used to and I couldn't read a bloody thing from him.

Apparently, or so I'm told, that's not a normal kid thing?

I'm just wondering what I missed. What did my parents miss? Do they think this too? Is this something they realize? My mom goes around diagnosing random kids I know with autism and aspergers and any number of behavioral disabilities, but if I'm right, has she been missing one that's been under her nose for 20 years?

.......

Ketto feels oof

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Babe I will level with you, the vast majority of what the writers say Logan etc can smell... Most human people with sensitive noses *can* smell, and mostly just don't consciously notice or bother classifying.

As someone who is autistic and has a hard time filtering out sensory input, and who is observant enough to notice patterns, and has a relatively sensitive nose, I can tell you that it would be completely realistic, so long as she has a reason to know what said thing smells like to begin with.

Things I can smell off of people without having 'super senses', a non exhaustive list:

The obvious, like hair products and etc

Whether they are on their period [as opposed to fresh blood because blood from different kinds of animals smells different as it starts to decay, which period blood does]

Fresh blood, alternately really rotting blood like from an old bandage that should have been changed

Whether they have recently had sex or masturbated unless they washed really well after [yeah it's awkward sometimes but you stop caring]

Medicated shampoos such as for lice or dandruff, some medications in general if I remember what they make you smell like

Whether they have endometriosis if it's advanced enough [my mother had it for years]

Possibly pregnancy [unsure if it's strictly a smell thing or other cues too]

Whether they are in the habit of putting mostly* clean seeming clothes back into their closet or dresser [the weird vaguely "crayon" musty smell which I hate]

Whether a dog has touched any of their clothes since they last washed them [Ie pet a dog on the way home from work, it's so strong to me, I once asked my roommate if she had just walked in with a dog because the instant she opened the front door I could smell it from the basement, just from her petting a dog on the way back, that smell did not leave her coat at the entry for so fucking long...]

Sunscreen obviously enough as well as certain medications, if I know what they smell like or make people smell like

In some cases, whether someone has a bad enough bladder infection [Nitrates]

Some people's urine starts to smell strongly enough like wheat -if they have drank coffee- that I can smell it off them [I recognize the smell because I am one of them]

Whether they have been smoking even if it's menthols and was very far away and they think they are hiding it... [that seems obvious]

I am also learning the smell of liver dysfunction from what I remember of my mother, from my own temporary health issues and from having had a cat I used to live with die of liver cancer [not the breath smell from when it's advanced, that obvious to a lot of people if they know what the smell is]

Whether they have a cat or rabbit etc at home, or maybe a pet turtle, depending on how well they keep them or how long they have been out of the house

If they have blood on them from certain non-human sources like birds/poultry or have been near a wounded bird [because I know that smell]

Sometimes smells that would indicate where they work, like subway or mcdonalds for sure but also sometime combined clues like a lot of wood smoke or something else that would let you figure out the kind of work or location [ie a combo of smells you realize must be a bait shop near a lumber yard, or must be a stone fired pizza place, or must work with soldering metal]

"old person smell" if they are getting older or if they have been near the elderly [lots of people pick up on this]

Obviously also what they have been eating that day, and sometimes if they have had contact with someone else I know if it was enough contact or if they were sweaty, ect...

Any smell I am familiar with that's gotten on them like having used an outhouse, etc... Walking through certain plants...

And that's not even counting the subtle patterns I start to notice when I actually see someone every day, like being able to smell when they are stressed out, or if they washed with someone else's familiar products, etc...

.

.

.

The biggest obstacle to noticing any smell that a human nose could technically pick up, super powers or not, is whether you have a point of comparison or frame of reference.

Otherwise you tend not to consciously process what you are smelling either way, especially if it's mild, or not particularly obnoxious.

She should be physically able to smell those things, probably [the comics probably give a point of comparison for Logan's senses], but the question is why would she know what cancer smells like to begin with? Has she spent time in hospitals or old age homes? Could she know someone else with cancer? Even dogs who can smell cancer are trained to by being given samples to learn.

You need to give her a sources of the smell that she knows definitively is being caused by the thing, and isn't just incidentally present, and a reason to notice it.

Often tissue or organ malfunction, from cancer or not, will have a much stronger smell from something it elevates in your blood, than being able to smell cancer cells directly, but that will only tell you something like slow liver function, or elevated nitrates, or that they smell like sulfur, and you'd have to guess the rest from context.

Also Logan's existing children or clones, in the comics etc seem to have bone claws and heightened senses along with the healing factor like it's a definitively inheritable set of things... And yes it's OP if taken fully advantage of because Logan is OP. It's fine. He has a son. And it seems to be established that his particular mutation is heritable, possibly because his sperm carry the mutation just like his blood cells do [which might explain how him and his brother have nearly matching mutations, they may have partially inherited it from a parent? unconfirmed to me so far?].

okay friends, i have a serious question. We know Logan can smell other people, get familiar with their scents, and its canon he can smell their emotions/hormones. Do you think his biological kids can interpret smells in different ways? I am writing the second chapter of Take My Whiskey Neat and I was thinking about Amaris (my oc/ his daughter) having the ability to smell illness in others. I touched on it in the first chapter when she smelled the radiation on Senator Kelly. But what about smelling common illnesses or even cancer? As some animals have been known to detect it before people do.

Or is that too silly?

[mammoneymelon]

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you. 

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?” 

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?” 

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air. 

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself. 

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast. 

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

[bookish-feelings]

Is anyone else autistic and really in love with Zofia from The Gilded Wolves and just feels.. represented very well?

I haven't read many books with autistic representation which is also because most of them focus on social struggles. They often seem to leave out any other symptoms and traits – especially hypersensitivity, sensory issues,...

I started The Gilded Wolves without knowing the book had autistic rep. But when I was about 3 pages into Zofia's first POV chapter, I immediately had to google if someone else linked her to being autistic. I wouldn't have thought she might be canonically autistic, as it seemed so unlikely to me, so I was surprised to find out.

I love how her autistic traits are woven really clever into the story. Little mentions of sensory issues and preferences, not understanding some jokes or sarcasm, preferring the quiet. It might me a minor thing but she hates sprinkles and doesn't eat Laila's colorfully decorated cookies. And she hates when her food touches. This may not apply to most autistic people with sensory eating struggles but it's such a clever detail I'd never expected to find in a book. I hate sprinkles too, the texture is just...gross to me. And colorful frostings are usually not my thing either.

Then, her unique ways to see details and solve a riddle, actually help the group. Her way to see the world is welcomed, even helpful and needed.

This is such an important aspect of her character. Autistic people's way to solve a problem can actually help neurotypicals.

I also found that her descriptions and thoughts of the other group members perfectly fit what I thought of them in the beginning of the book, and how I think I would see them in real life.

It's mostly small details, but the whole book felt like home. And no, this isn't just because of Zofia and autistic representation, I love all characters and she's not even my only favorite, I love the world, the fantasy elements, the story and many riddles and clues, I love the setting. But seeing a character like Zofia in a book like this is so fantastic. I can't describe it well enough.

[3liza]

that's ok! this is a mostly-obsolete technology from when before everyone could print stuff easily. you might be familiar with the term "carbon copy" but also not sure what THAT means. basically, before affordable home and office printing and before we kept records in digital formats, we needed ways to make copies of documents physically without having to fill out the same form three times (something people used to have to actually do quite a bit, often with actual handwriting and not even a typewriter. talk to an 80 year old person about this sometime, they'll tell you what a nightmare it was).

so first we had carbon copies. a carbon copy is when you cover a sheet of paper in powdered carbon or graphite and put it under the paper you're writing on, on top of a third sheet of normal paper. maybe you did this in school once to transfer a drawing, sometimes teachers will show you how to do it by coloring pencil lead thickly on a piece of paper and then tracing over the drawing.

when you press down on the top page, the carbon sheet is pressed onto the bottom page and leaves a duplicate of the mark youre making. you can use them in typewriters too.

but the problem with carbon is that it is extremely messy. it gets smudges all over your fingers and desk and other papers etc. so "carbonless" copy paper was invented

this stuff only makes a mark when you smash the little coatings together. no more smudgy carbon paper in the office. this works with typewriters too because typewriters make a letter by slamming a hammer into the paper. so that's what's up with these weird papers.

the pretty pastel rainbow paper i posted seems to be a stack of FIVE different carbonless copy papers that will produce a whole rainbow of copies at once. really neat idea. no clue what i would do with it. limited production zine? idk!

here's my typewriter now, making one carbonless copy

edit: if you are looking at these coated papers thinking "hm my autistic ass would hate touching this" it's not as bad as you'd think, the coating is SO finely ground that it doesn't register as grit and doesn't make gritty noises when you're handling the paper. it's more like when you have a finely coated paper for fountain pens. so it could be slightly icky for some people but is, for me at least, completely tolerable. and of course with s typewriter you don't really have to touch it at all

edit 2: this is a really good thing to point out, thank you!!

because we used to send official correspondence to people and then send the carbon copy to a second person, physically. so we retain this language with digital correspondence!

i got dot matrix printer CARBONLESS COPY(!!!) paper for my birthday and my plan to feed it continuously into my typewriter and get an endless paper feed WITH a backing duplicate has worked perfectly. why did i do this? absolutely no good reason i just thought it would be fun. and i was right. anyway i started writing that book

[zosonils]

what are some random papyrus headcanons you currently have?

ooughwhhghgh anon you know the EXACT way to my heart. got a map to it and everything. a real good and fancy map. the ones with sea monsters in the corners

autistic adhd papyrus real

he tends to think of anything he doesn’t understand [and even some things he does!] in terms of puzzles, since they’re a lifelong special interest and they help him contextualise things! for instance if he’s navigating someplace he’s never been before it’s easier for him to visualise things as an incomplete map that he has to find the pieces [landmarks] of than it is to just wander until he finds his way or go up to someone and ask for directions [talking to people he doesn’t know very well is also a puzzle and he has more trouble solving that one because sometimes the clues lie to you]. this approach to things makes him astoundingly good at working through things logically, although between the difficulties applying this sort of thinking to unpredictable social situations and his occasional penchant for insane troll logic he doesn’t have a 100% success rate

in addition to this he’s a really visual thinker and can understand almost anything really quickly if he has a way to visualise it, whether it’s explicitly given to him or he thinks of one himself and suddenly goes OH I GET IT NOW. anything that doesn’t come with a coherent visual metaphor is borderline impossible for him to grasp, though. dude needs his diagrams

he likes playing video games, at least when he isn’t hyperfocused on his duties as a royal guard in training, and he tends to get an insane amount of mileage out of them because once he beats whatever objective the game explicitly gives him he’ll start making up his own self-imposed challenges or ‘puzzles’ instead. like if you gave him tetris he’d be super into the standard a-type and b-type modes, but once he gets tired of those he’ll start doing stuff like trying to play in time with the music, or without rotating any pieces, or painstakingly arranging incomplete lines so that the empty spaces form some kind of intricate pattern

gloves and especially scarves are a comfort accessory for him! even before/after the battle body is a thing and he’s wearing different clothes from one day to another pretty much every outfit he wears includes those accessories. if it’s too hot for a huge warm tightly-wrapped scarf he just grits his teeth and wears it anyway

the reason pap hates grease so much is that it sets off literally every single sensory issue he has. it sticks to you when you touch it just a little, it feels just as gross through your gloves, it’s hard to wash off, it stains your favourite scarf so you have to put it through the washing machine twice to make absolutely sure it doesn’t smell weird later and stress you out again, it has a gross taste that stays in your mouth for ages, it’s just the worst! how his brother stomachs the stuff he’ll never know [and it’s not because he doesn’t have a stomach, that doesn’t mean he can’t have standards either]

papyrus knows that sans suffers from depression, and he understands what that actually means as opposed to just having a surface-level grasp on ‘sans isn’t happy as often as he should be’. the issue isn’t that he doesn’t understand or desperately want to help, he does, but the sheer magnitude of sans’ issues is just substantially more than papyrus has any frame of reference for. the best he knows how to do is to be as blisteringly positive as possible in hopes that some of it will rub off on sans, while also refusing to enable any of the lazy or blatantly self-destructive habits sans has that papyrus can tell aren’t making him feel any better. short motherfucker needs a trained therapist and/or antidepressants more than anything but papyrus is doing everything he can, and while papyrus being papyrus is already enough to keep sans going he’s helping as much as he does specifically because of the deliberate effort he makes to beat sans’ depression over the head with a bone until it runs off hissing

wow that one got long lmao sorry i just really hate when people portray papyrus as completely oblivious to sans’ problems when he’s pretty strongly hinted to understand them to at least some degree and 1. it literally makes for such a better story on both the heartwarming and crushingly tragic ends of the spectrum if pap knows and is doing his best to help 2. even if it didn’t people are still deliberately ignoring huge chunks of papyrus’ characterisation in favour of portraying him as the smol little innocent cinnamon roll uwu bean who doesn’t understand anything and y’all have got to realise the implications of forcing this personality on the most heavily autistic coded character in the game :|

on a more lighthearted note, papyrus can reluctantly but wholeheartedly appreciate a good pun or cleverly-planned prank, he just knows that sans likes getting a rise out of people with them and goes with his instinct to groan over his instinct to laugh because it makes sans happy. sans is completely aware that papyrus is doing this, so there’s an unspoken self-aware undertone to their whole routine lmao

whenever papyrus, sans, and undyne are together they have this wacky dynamic where they’re all constantly tossing the straight man role around like a hot potato and i want a dumb sitcom about the three of them living in the skeleton household that goes absolutely mental with this wacky dynamic and god damn it i’ll write it myself if i have to

papyrus gets to kin me for this one, there’s like a single phineas and ferb dvd that fell into the underground a few years ago that made its way to him in one way or another [sans probably gave it to him with no way of predicting the special interest hell [positive] he was about to unleash] and he immediately became obsessed. he can recite entire episodes from memory because he watched them so many times the audio got burned into his brain. his favourite character is doof and he considers the annoying dog his personal perry the platypus. when he gets to the surface and finds out that there’s like 200 more episodes he cries with happiness

aroace papyrus also real

it’s getting late so i’m going to leave this here but i am always down to talk about papyrus. i fuckin love papyrus so much guys

[aerial-aspie]

An Autistic Point of View 2

Hi there! It's Hazel and I'm first going to talk about what it's like to me to be autistic.

So for me I got diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 14 and it has helped me understand a lot of my traits, which now I can articulate to you.

I'm obsessive and I mean very obsessive, once I find something I really really like it's all the occupies my brain day and night, everyday and sometimes to the point where I can't focus because all I want to think about is my obsession. A few examples of this was Vocaloid, BTS/K-pop and right now Genshin Impact.

During lessons, I struggled to stay 100% focused at all times because my brain always likes to drift off into dream land and I have to make a big mental effort to reign myself back into reality. This problem affect me when I used to take Chemistry (it was far too hard for my pea brain anyway) and the moment my brain switched off, BOOM! I'd missed a ton of information, even if it was only for 10 seconds.

However, now, after changing subjects and finding the right ones for me, I'm finding it much easier to control my need to daydream and can focus much better.

Next, I am forgetful. Imagine a sieve but only the unimportant information (normally to do with what I'm obsessing over) stays and everything else falls through, no matter how important it is to me. I hurt my knuckles over lockdown learning and needed to ice them frequently and it was very important, however, 2 seconds after remembering I needed to do that, you guessed it! I forgot about it.

Forgetfulness is hard, especially when at school because I need to drill my theory into my brain so hard because I will forget so easily. As well as at school, I have my phone and Alexa full of reminders to tell me to simple tasks such as to update this blog or to practice my piano or else I'd forget.

Lets throw in a weird one now. To be honest even I have no clue if this is an autistic trait but it's certainly something that affects me. When studying or reading I can't listen to any music with English lyrics. Why? Because I focus on the lyrics and draw myself into them and then struggle to concentrate when working because I can understand what's being sung. So my playlists involve game soundtracks, a few screamo bands (you can't understand what they're saying anyways) and Asian pop.

One thing that was said through my diagnosis is that it's possible I could have anxiety for life and as of writing this I'm currently trying to get therapy or medication for it.

Anxiety is isolating, it's painful with its physical side effects (which manifest in chest pains for me), it gives unneeded stress over problems which to others seem minor, it gives me panic attacks which range in severity, it gives a fear embarrassment, of messing up, of standing out, of being DIFFERENT.

Everything about myself I scrutinise, I'm trying to give up chocolate because it gives me so much extra stress that I believe it's unhealthy for myself. I must present myself in a way where I don't seem rude or impolite as I'm scared of how everyone will react. If I get into an argument or something I believe is an argument, I beat myself up about it and I feel like I hurt everyone around me.

I believe I'm a constant annoyance, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm a chatterbox and you can't shut me up. But it makes me self conscious, am I talking too much? Is everyone just being friendly out of obligation? Are they all secretly annoyed at me? Are questions I ask myself daily and blame myself at some points for not being normal.

My brain sticks to the past and words echo my mind for sometimes years giving me fears that others would even know of. Such as the lessons about heart disease in biology always play in my mind to the point I want to give up chocolate because it's giving me so much stress as my brain is like OH MY GOD YOU ATE CHOCOLATE NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE! And then I get stressed and get chest pains which only further add to it.

Now we got the heavy topic out the way lets move on! Autism has led me to have a fine motor coordination disability which has affect me my whole life, I can't handwrite well, I struggle opening tins, peeling vegetables, unlocking the door to get in my house, using scissors, folding things and the list goes on (and let me tell you it's long).

But you get the gist, I struggle with a lot of things and it can take me a much longer amount of time to work out things than someone normal.

I'm also extremely disorganised, actually that's a lie. I'm extremely organised but it doesn't look it. My room is a mess and I know that but I could tell you where everything is in seconds because it's what I call 'an organised mess'. I organise things but it's not neat, it's just where my brain decides is a good place to put things.

My school bag is so organised to point I don't like people touch it because I know where everything is and it has to be in the same pockets or else I'll get upset because it just has to be there and that is something no one can change.

However, even though I'm on that point of organisation, I still get stressed about if I have forgotten anything even though I never have.

Part of my autism is physical traits too, I am born with weak muscles in many places, the ones I know of so far are my wrists, knees, eyes and lower back. Because of this I can't handwrite long essays and have to have computer support to help me with this problem. With other areas, it's places I know I need to be careful when training at circus because I discovered my weak back after crucifix rolls on a cloudswing went wrong (it's a type of error that will always happen when learning this move) and I locked up my spine, from then on I've never done that move ever again.

Whilst being quite extroverted (only around people I'm comfortable with, if not I'm extremely shy) I'm actually very sensitive to things. I can't be touched suddenly or at my waist or I will flinch or flail and let me tell you, as I martial artist I do hit extremely hard in reflex. I also am sensitive to loud noises when I'm not expecting it, such as seeing war horse the stage show where the sounds of gun shots and explosions were played so loud that I had a panic attack in the theatre. However, at concerts, I'm fine as I'm expecting this loud noise and I know what is coming.

A weird thing I find about myself is that I'm very contrasting, I'm highly emotional but don't understand emotion. My first emotional response to any emotion is to cry and yes it is extremely embarrassing to cry in front of others (I believe crying in public should be normalised not shamed). Yet I can't understand emotion such as when people are sad, I don't realise it and happily talk to them and then feel like they hate me because they ignore me and then beat myself up for not realising they're sad when they tell me so. But it's not just sadness, being talked to in a firm voice, to me means they're angry when they're not, criticism means everything I've done is stupid and you get the point.

However, not only do I not understand emotion normally, I actually at times can't feel it, I get excited before a concert but when it starts I feel nothing, everything I feel just disappears and my mind is blank, so I actually have to force myself to be happy and then my brain realises I'm happy and I don't have to put in effort to sustain an emotion.

Now last but not least (remember how I said I was forgetful, it's already come into play here that I can't even remember if I've covered everything about my Asperger's) I can't do instructions, if I'm given a list of items I need to take, a long list of instructions to follow with no physical copy to reference by the time the last instruction has been said, I've already forgotten the first one and this has been fatal when I've ended up with really bad sunburn because I forgot to bring sun cream because the list I was given was too long to remember.

And that's it folks, my autism is a nutshell that's probably missing some stuff but it's as much as I can tell you from the top of my head and if I remember more stuff I'll make sure to post it.

Thanks for following!

[zikadraws]

Okay, so here we go... Here are some more concept information about the 'violin girl'.

I'm not absolutely settled on her name currently, but for now, she'd be named

🎻{Abigail}📼

(Lately adopted pattern) (*click on pictures for better quality*)

So {Abigail} (I'm looking for an eerier name) is a little girl who was a pensioner in an all-girl orphanage which had the particularity of being specialised for ''Children with difficulties''. Understand by that that each time regular orphanages bumped into a little girl with 'comportmental' troubles (ADHD, Down syndrome, bipolarity, severe anxiety etc...) They just dumped her here. It was at a time where people didn't make the difference. Yeah, so basically an all-little girls asylum, that's it. Nonetheless, she happens to be peaceful, and will be an ally and guide for Luigi through this establishment, in spite of her rather... Strange motivations and behaviour.

🏚️🎻Character information 📼🧷:

She's in the institution because she is autistic. Although she's the only one with autism out of all the pensioners, so it causes many misunderstandings. They don't even know what autism is.

Her autism manifests with stiming (before dying she jumped in place, now she excitedly flaps her sleeves, so she musts always wear some long sleeves), a mechanical, literary and really clear way of talking, staring endlessly into your bare soul and by that I don't mean your eyes, being as overattentive to her environment changes as a fieldmouse (but with the same focus capabilities unfortunately), being bluntly frank and taking everything to first degree (she has high difficulties with second degree), difficulties with touching and one. Specific. Interest.

Now, she's relatively autonomous (except forgetting to sleep often, and also to feed). Although she is really hard to interest or get to focus on any other fields than anything related to her one absolute specific interest, which by its nature is definitely not to improve her relation with her comrades.

The problem is that her specific interest happens to be FEAR. By that I mean, the sensation of fear, the ambience of fear, the sight of fear and such. Now, there's nothing malicious in that, she does not think bad in the slightest, she just genuinely associates fear with a pleasant sensation. So she tries to recreate this sensation as best as she can.

So of course, she really enjoys creepy medias ; but out of them all, the best she found to create fear happens to be music, and sound.

She so specialised herself to compose chilling songs, and loves to distort and manipulate others to make them eerier. For this, she has her personal violin, and an organ (sorry about that last mistake) in the institution's chapel. (And another more recent crafted instrument.)

She equally possesses a recorder with old tapes, and with that, she hunts down and record every sound she considers chilling and scary (from doors creaking to actual screams of persons) to later arrange them like a mixtape (she got expert in cutting and rearranging tapes), and then play these to herself along with her eerie music, freaking out to the bone anyone who can hear such a symphony. But for her, it's the best of things.

The whole building resonates with her creations, and is scattered with tricks straight coming from classic ghost stories. She stalks any trespasser coming into them and her sound ambience, in the goal of catching their screams on tape, and later use/compile these. That is kind of the main reason why she offered to guide Luigi, actually. She can be seen recording every one of his jumpscares.

She'd most likely kick ass with actual better sound monitoring/mixing/recording material.

🏚️More general information :🗝️

Since she wasn't really appreciated at the time the institution was still running, she was given a leftover nightgown three times too big for her, which is why she uses a steel pin🧷 to keep it on her shoulders.

The institution no longer have adults. Only the little girls ghosts.

She is an outcast to the institution's others residents, which the main one is the pensioners's leader, a girl with the same particularities as Hellen Gravely who HATES her and accuses her of being the reason they're all dead and alone. Even though she's keeping trespassers away with her scare tricks and music.

When she was alive, plus of her birthmarks all over her body she also had eyes of each a different colour. Some adults believed hard as steel she was a witch.

She has the natural talent of unsettling/putting everyone at unease by simply EXISTING

She has an extremely intense default poker face and practically never changes of expression. Like literally she could be feeling anything and you wouldn't have a clue- (all hail comic expressions language)

With adequate material, she can bring the expression ''catching someone on tape'' to... Another level. But she has yet to figure this out.

She also collects keys for some reason. Plenty of them. She's not only interested in fear, y'know.

That's all I got for her right now.

---

Alright, thank you for your attention. I hope you like her, even if she is definitely not as clear as Pépé Boutefeu. Wish you reserve her a good welcome !...

Okay, that'd be it for tonight. If you have questions about, or for her, don't hesitate^^

Oh, and before we leave ! {Abigail} wants to let you know something :

...Thaaat's it, thank you and goodnight !😅

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