#i actually have no clue if the hate for touch is an autistic thing or just something I developed

[swirly-lemonade]

I love doodling

[vampirecatboy]

Hello yes tell us about cthonic gods please

ok ok so

clarification for those that need it: Cthonic deities in Greek Mythology are gods and goddesses and entities that reside in the Underworld

first off i want to say that Hades game was such a godsend for me, because to have such a popular, well-made piece of media that is all about my special interest is like the best gift an autistic person can get

i'll start with my two favorite boys: Hypnos and Thanatos

they are twins, first of all, two sons of Nyx, personification of night, and Erebus, who is darkness (i don't know if Hades game ever touched on this but Hypnos' mom was literally within shouting distance)

Thanatos hates mortals because they hate him (he is not the god of death he just is death, and not many mortals like death) and he hates the Olympians because they can't die, juries out on if he hates his own twin but there is this really cute painting that shows them asleep together, so i would guess ol Thanny is fond of his brother

now also the thing about Thanatos is that he is the personification of peaceful death, it's the furies who deal with violent death, like he's giving people a peaceful passing and they still hate him. death is death i suppose

also i know Thanatos is a love interest in Hades game, but in actual mythology he had no consorts and no children, truly aroace misanthropic king

now onto Hypnos, the personification of sleep, who did fuck, and had at least three children but i'll get to them in a sec

he lives in a grotto on the river Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, one of the five rivers of the Underworld (the others are the Styx, of course, Cocytus, Phlegethon, and Acheron), he has his own court of minor gods and goddesses, including one of my personal favorites, Aergia, goddess of sloth and laziness, truly a "yes girl give us nothing!" moment honestly

there's also this story that i love, related to a mortal man who was also the lover of Selene, the moon. his name was Endymion, and in the more well known story, he was so beautiful when he slept, that Selene wanted to keep him in a state of eternal sleep, and they had 50 children, somehow, but the version of the story that i like (for reasons that will be very obvious lol) is that it was actually Hypnos who fell in love with him for the same reason as Selene, so he put Endymion into a state of eternal sleep, specifically with his eyes open, because he loved gazing into them (gay ass) no clue if their relationship was ever consummated like with Selene but one can imagine, this is Greek mythology after all

now Endymion wasn't the only lover Hypnos ever had, he also fell in love with one of Hera's graces (attendants?) whose name was Pasithea, and showing some remarkable restraint for a divine man in Greek myth, instead of abducting her or taking her by force, he asked Hera if he could marry her, and she agreed on the condition that he help turn the tide of the Trojan war (which is not my special interest so do not ask me about it, i know nothing lol)

with Pasithea, Hypnos had three sons, the most famous of which was Morpheus, god of dreams, his other two sons were Phobetor and Phantasos, but they all represent different aspects of dreaming, objects, beasts and people. Morpheus was specifically people in dreams, but he was the clear favorite and sort of took up the whole mantle from the other two Oneiroi

actually, addendum because i looked it up to check and the Oneiroi are the sons of Somnus, Hypnos' Roman equivalent, in Greek mythology they are his brothers. the rest of that is accurate though

so to summarize: Thanatos, aroace king, Hypnos, respectful if a bit weird bisexual, Aergia, just hangin' honestly

the twins have been depicted many ways, sometimes old men, sometimes babies, but i think most often they ended up being depicted as epheboi, teenagers

also it is very important that you know that Hypnos has head wings in a lot of his depictions, i forget if they depicted that in Hades but honestly who cares his design slaps either way

onto the most interesting thing for me about Hades game: Zagreus. he's obscure in Greek mythology, like all of Hades' alleged children, Macaria and Melinoe being the two i can remember. some scholars believe Zagreus to actually be Dionysus, because Dionysus also has ties to the underworld, i think in relation to his mother, like he had to rescue her from there or something? kind of a reverse of what Zagreus is trying to do in the game

i.... i think that's all the info i have to dump

i will not advocate for the accuracy of everything in this ramble (especially not the Zagreus/Dionysus bit, the stance among scholars might've changed since i acquired this information lol) but i certainly had fun thank you so much for asking me about this

[vivihar]

JSJDJDJJDJDJDJJ your entire premise on same age tomerus is so cute omg 💞💞💞 i love how clueless tom is about the entirety of his feelings for severus until he sees sev exploring his sexuality with someone else 😭😭😭 it particularly makes sense in my mind bcs to me, tom is autistic (in some degree), he seems like the kind of autistic person that imitates what is right and what seems to appease other people while not necessarily understanding it, he charmed people easily and adopted a perfect external image that he didn't try to use only on dumbledore bcs he knew who tom really was, so i do think it would take tom a little longer to realize his thinly veiled obsession with severus, the possessivity, the overwhelming need to do everything together, the codependency is actually romantic and not brotherly 🥲 it's cute bcs i think in this au sev is not that all that insecure and self-hating, but he still wouldn't be the first to make a first move and he's not an idiot and can see the effect tom has on people, that he's dashing and he's convinced tom can have whoever he wants and tom uses this to his advantage, but only wants severus. omg they're both capricorns i know tom would smile and be charming and then turn around and roll his eyes and shit-talk whoever he had to sweet-talk to, with severus. he would perpetually make this distinction of how he "secretly hates and can't stand everyone", even the ones that do nothing but praise him and adore him, and make severus feel special bcs he tells severus everything.

OH I HAVE THIS ENTIRE FIC IDEA that i don't know if i'll write, hopefully, but the way i see it i don't think tom would have a very passive reaction if severus was being bullied in front of him. like in my same age tomerus they did met at hogwarts and there was lily (i love complicating things for severus), but tom and lily's modus operandi are completely different. like tom is not going to have a yelling/scolding fit with either sirius or james. tom straight up sets either of them up for an accident or punish them painfully without neither realizing it's him behind it all 😭😭😭 like after swm (altered ofc in some aspects), days later james potter is sent to the infirmary with deep cuts around his genital zone that can't be healed with simple magic, so he has to get stitches, *real* stitches (which tom made deliberate and it's a nice touch for him bcs "that's what you get for trying to expose sev's privates", he thinks), and nobody knows who did this to him? like who managed without being seen without traceable hint of whose wand did it like there's no CLUE who can do this and get away with it. and it's a bit of a scandal at hogwarts, nobody suspects severus bcs tom planned it carefully and severus had witnesses about where he was studying at when james was getting attacked. and i can imagine sev and tom having a whole back and forth about it, like sev suspected tom immediately and tom wanted to play coy, denied for awhile, and then just caved and admitted he did it. sev is like "😟..." while tom is handing details, saying he could've murdered him very easily, but spared him! like "it's not a big deal, he deserves worse, i was mild about it". there's a silence in which sev is processing he's in love with a maniac, and tom is just seizing up sev's reaction, quietly asks if sev is going to tell anyone, and severus quickly responds that no, ofc he won't, how could he?! and it's a realization for them both. that severus is willing to cover tom up in anything, and tom realizes the same, allows himself to joke and gloat about how james had been turning around like an idiot yelling "who is doing it?" making severus laugh at last about the whole thing, and it's basically sev realizing he has a very insane bf who is willing to go to insane lengths for him but 🤷‍♀️

AND YES OMG i find it so sad that in the end v had to kill sev bcs in his own way it really felt like sev was the only person tom ever had real deferences for. he wasn't supposed to love and he didn't, but i think he must've liked severus in his own way. we're supposed to think he was super evil, but there's no mention of him painfully punishing severus, only thrusting him and not even shaming him for his feelings for lily, he ENJOYED killing james potter and then tried, tried to spare lily once, twice, thrice, more than one could expect. it's stated voldemort taught his DEs the dark magic he learnt, even wormtwil learnt from him, but i like to think too that he specially liked to teach severus, that to him severus was a natural (like himself), and among the obvious grooming (17-18 yo sev being lured by 51yo v?), among the things v must've said to entice severus to his side, surely he must've been honest with some arguments, in seeing talent and potential and there's so much of me in you, you just need the proper guidance. i just think their relationship is so interesting, same age or not, it's bound to have their lives intertwining someway or another. (english isn't my first language either btw, dw ☝️)

Thank youuuu😙💞

And omg autistic Tom?? I always would think about autistic Severus but omg this clicked something in my brain! Thank you so much 😭💞

Tom shows an act to everyone else but Severus is just the best trope ever. Not only does Severus feel special the best part is also Tom doesn't do it because he thinks it would make Sev happy he does that because Sev is the only person he could show his real personality and be comfortable with.

Also them talking shit together would be so epic. Both of them are observant people and they would see things the person themselves doesn't realize and they would just point it out after one and one 😭 they're so *squeezing them together*

Reading Tom talking sweetly with Severus is actually my therapy. Tom wouldn't realize his feelings but every time he says a word to Severus people around them who hear it would get so jealous because that's not the bored voice they always get from him. Severus is special to him and only Tom wouldn't be aware of it😭

I think the only time Severus wouldn't be like "they deserve someone better" is when he isn't with his father. Every au he's growing up with his father would end up damage to his thought about himself. But Tom would fix that easily 💞💞 (I sometimes think every time Severus refer something about himself as ugly Tom would kiss him there and scold him for it. Even before he realizes his feelings lmao he's so stupidly in love)

and OH MY GOD that fic idea is brilliant. I don't have personal hate (maybe a little) towards marauders but it's literally become a hobby to make V|Tom hurting them for Severus. The genital thing is brilliant, omg Tom I love you. And Lily! İt would be amazing Sev and Lils childhood friends and Tom being so jealous because of it hating her so deeply and he also would accuse her for not being good friend because she doesn't 'physically' stops marauders and Tom would whisper these words in Severus's ears until their friendship ends.

I also think Tom would make Sirius end up in front of Wolf!Remus and do some magic so he couldn't turn in his animagi form. He would watch Remus hurt him bad then get him out. If you ask me how he wouldn't be exposed well it's Tom riddle dear he's the genius don't ask me.

Sev would always choose Tom in this au. He could kill everyone and still be like '... İt's fucked up but he loves me awww' lmao both of them aren't really good. I like Tom being a crazy obsessed lover. He would cherish Severus and at the same time would plan the future of every person who hurt Sev and how to get rid of them. And Tom being 'it wasn't that serious' omg I love him😭 Severus would be his calm point but if someone hurt his lover well who told you that was a good idea?? I feel like he would try his best to hide things he does so it wouldn't disturb Sev but every time Sev just gets little angry and they later cuddle he feels so happy because Severus just loves him that much and he just stupid he would want to do it more so he could see Severus chose him over and over again.

Ugh I hope you would write it because this is perfect😩

"I regret it" he makes me sick. He did care about Severus and this again if he grew up with Merope everything would be so different it makes me sickkkkk. And he's just like me, I might have laugh a little👌🏽when James died.

I don't remember but I think flying magic isn't really dark magic (or is it I don't remember sorry) so V teaching others for war but Severus because he likes teaching Severus is just my fav HC.

He probably used all sweet lies with Severus to make him a devoted follower but Severus probably was one of the few he was the most honest with. They would talk because he enjoyed talking to someone smart like Severus and he taught him because Severus was natural. *Sigh* their relationship is one of the most interesting ones in the HP world. I didn't even care about HP, it has been years since I saw anything about it but for some reason I started to ship them and bum deep down in this dirt hole.

(and two non-english speakers writing masterpieces 🤝🏼 exaggerating but who cares Tomerus shippers only have us for now 😋)

[wandaluvstacos]

it's weird to me to be both neurotypical and yet never feel like I can access this fundamental ability to foster human connection that seems easy for other people. like, I imagine maybe autistic people feel like this in a way, like there's some kind of secret knowledge everyone else has access to that you don't.

i just think it kinda sucks that I know I'm going to grow old without a support system and I just have to like, live with that? I want to connect with other people but I also don't want to. Every time I hang out with someone, I derive some benefit in feeling like "yes, I am supposed to be doing this because having friends is a good thing!" but there's no genuine excitement there. And I have a good enough time while I'm doing it but then I go right back home and think "I would rather be here by myself actually". If friends didn't occasionally reach out to me, to be honest, I don't think I'd reach out to them.

I think whatever personality quirks of mine are genetic, because my parents don't really have friends either. My siblings do. And I do, technically, but I guess I just lack this deep need/want for human companionship. I WANT to WANT it, that's where my desire lies. I understand the logistical nightmare of growing old alone, and practically I know I have to have support structures. But it's an intellectual desire more than an emotional one. Like, people on here will talk about touch starvation and I have no fucking clue what they're even talking about. I could go the rest of my life without being touched. It's not anything I even think about.

I think the worst part is that I've just never heard about this sort of thing. I'm always looking for some kind of word or identity that captures it so I can actually talk about it with someone else who gets it, but nothing matches-- not depression, not autism, not ADHD, not alexithymia, not even introversion. I just hate how shit feels so hard and draining and unless there's a visit from God in my future, I don't see it ever getting any easier or better. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired, and cut off from what I guess in most people is a fundamental drive for companionship. like lord, I just wanna know what it's like.

[wings-of-flying]

finished lockwood & co! thoughts time!!

the more comprehensible ones first. the visual direction on this show is fucking genius!! some highlights include: lockwood's outfit (i want that coat), actually being able to see shit during the nighttime scenes, the design of the house, the choice to make lucy wear blue all the time, the stupid little uniforms that kipps and his guys wear, the design of the ghosts, the dream sequence in like episode 2 (?), the red room, etc.

also i called joplin being bad from the second she opened her mouth, i think it was the music that clued me in. hate her. the show did a great job making me extremely uncomfortable when she was around.

i love lockwood. asshole in a suit, and he's got trauma that causes him to be cold and arrogant and distant? sign me the fuck up! he looks good with his own blood running down his face (and i can say that bc his actor is 20)

i knew norrie was gonna die (or something similar) the moment they started talking about future plans in ep 1. still broke me when it happened. the 3 years earlier sequence was probably the most intense introduction to what i thought was gonna be a somewhat typical ya tv show i've ever seen

love that the show doesn't pretend to be self aware, and in fact leans into a lot of tropes and clichés bc it works! if they were too afraid to be seen as too cheesy it would've ruined the whole show, so i'm really glad they weren't

flo <3

i really like the writing. it felt very natural to go from one arc to another, the characters felt tangible, their actions completely within reason for who they are and what they've been through. could've fleshed out winkman (?) a little. he felt a little flat, though maybe he'll make a comeback in another season

they're fucking children. this whole world is fucked. they make children fight fucking ghosts. fucked up world. hope that if they make more seasons this will be addressed in depth. they hinted at it here and there, but i need them to have a full a-plot conflict about it. i haven't read the books but i'm assuming this is a thing that happens in them (and if not they really fumbled the bag)

sorry thinking about flo again.....

thinking about lockwood again. he needs to be bashed in the skull with a 2x4. maybe that'll make him normal. i love him <3

god george reminds me of michael from be more chill. no clue if you've seen it, or listened to the soundtrack, but they're the same person

since we're on the topic of george, that guy is so fucking autistic holy shit! so is flo. autistic in two different directions

i'll probably have more thoughts in a few days, once i've allowed myself to process the show in it's entirety. meanwhile enjoy... whatever this is :3

yessss!!!! so glad you enjoyed it, i'm literally so insane about it at the moment!

all the stuff about the costumes and set design and lighting is just like!!! hell yeah!! we can actually see at night, which is great because that's when the majority of it's set

the characters are all so so great and i love them and they have so much depth and interesting things about them!!! have you picked up on lockwood's socks yet? they start off pink and then as the series progresses they go to blue to match with lucy!!!

and the world building!!!!! you've probably gathered by now that i'm a sucker for good world building and this show!!!!!! has it!!!!! i really fuckin hope we get another season so we can see more of it (but also i'm gonna read the books soon so i'll know if the shit's all addressed)

george is so so autistic. and i get what you mean about flo, very true tbh

how did you feel about the slow burn romance? because i'm obsessed with it! how their hands always touch for a little too long etc

also i can fix kipps. yep. i can make him better. he grew on me towards the end and now i love him. pathetic man. falls exactly in my type

AND YES!! the intro shit was so!!!!! it was just!!! ahhh!!! norrie and lucy 100% had some gay shit going on. and it was so tragic and ajaavqghshshshs

the skull!!! i love/hate it! it's just so funny and silly and evil and manipulative!

and yeah with joplin i had a feeling from when she started talking with george. i was literally calling out 'grooming! grooming moment!' whenever she was with george. and the ending with the bone glass!!!! omg i went insane!

the winkman shit was terrifying, especially the auction. literally gave me goosebumps. but it was all worth it for the locklyle scene with lucy calming him down when he had a panic attack!

anyway as you can tell i'm not normal about this show

[kylejsugarman]

SUPERSTORE AUTISM HEADCANONS

Dina

* Good at math

* To the point of being able to do basic math in her head

* 198+535? Give her 5 seconds.

* Math always came easy to her

* Good at learning music

* Learned guitar very quickly

* Also can play piano

* She’s a very skilled singer despite never having lessons

* Bad at reading social cues

* She’s not bothered by this, and she doesn’t care. It’s not her fault neurotypical bitches make things so complicated.

* Dislikes physical affection

* She only sometimes tolerates, depending on who they’re from

* She’s okay with being touched, but she doesn’t particularly enjoy it

* She doesn’t know pop culture

* She does, however, know the most random niche information, and is appalled when others don’t also know the random trivia she knows.

* Stims

* Making noises vocally

* Jumping

* Waving her arms

* Does not bother masking most times

* She does it so rarely that it’s very obvious when she is masking

* Special Interests

* Birds

* Security

* Knives

* Low empathy

* Strong sense of right and wrong

* Usually this is in a rule sense, but there are a few cases where her morals don’t align with rules, and she breaks them to stick with said morals.

* Biggest example in my opinion is her efforts to keep Mateo from getting detained

* Coping methods

* Sex

* Hitting and breaking things

* Hates changes in routine

Jonah

* Bad at reading social cues

* In denial over his struggles with reading them, thinking he’s great at it, when in fact he’s exactly the opposite

* Implying he’s bad at reading social clues will offend him

* He cannot stop masking

* He doesn’t realize he’s masking, but he was raised to mask his entire life, so it’s just normal to him

* He is always exhausted because of this

* Stims

* Moving his hands or arms in any way

* Twirling pens

* Repeating words

* Loves physical affection

* To the point of pushing it, and not noticing when it’s too much

* He gives hugs a lot

* Special interests

* The Americans

* Politics

* Musical Theatre

* Constellations

* Horses

* High empathy

* Strong sense of right and wrong

* Coping mechanisms

* Comfort shows

* Talking about it

* Or yelling if he needs to

* Quiet alone time

* He enjoys changes in his routine

Eric

* Bad at reading social cues

* Literally the worst

* He knows this to an extent but he’s not aware of just how bad he is at it

* Loves physical affection

* But he’s picky on who he’s affectionate with

* He does mask

* However, he unmasks around his safe people (Mateo, Amy, etc)

* He doesn’t really have the proper terminology for it but he’s sort of aware when he needs to put up a nice face or where he can just be stoic

* He’s good with eye contact and doesn’t hate it

* Stims

* Biting/Chewing

* Clicking pens

* Anything he can busy his hands with actually

* Whistling

* High empathy

* Special Interests

* Plants

* Specifically succulents

* Trains

* This one is literally so self indulgent but I don’t care lmao

* Baking

* Giraffes

* Weather

* Likes to sit on the floor

* Disassociates a lot

* Dislikes changes in routine

* Coping mechanisms

* Rocking

* Hugging his giraffe stuffy

* Baking

so obsessed with these and how u think about them, they really are So Autistic in such different and varied ways.....this is a wonderful reading of those characters and its so fun to really explore their behavior thru the lens of being aggressively neurodivergent

[jessetransman]

i've been binge-reading stobotnik fics and decided to compile some of my favorite things i've seen as tropes and such, there may be some sensitive stuff in here but i dont really go in depth abt them

angst

agent stone has the most fucked up backstory

like he either fucked up a mission big time and was sent to robotnik as "punishment" or he was literally tortured

the doctor fucks up things with stone ASTRANOMICALLY. out of this world shit. and he feels guilty because this is the first guy whos actually cared for him.

goes w the trans!stone hc, gender dysphoria stone, since ive never seen the doctor as someone who really cares for genatalia if he was trans himself, he just does whatever the fuck he wants. Flat chest? New and Improved Government Made Binder! Slaaayy Button!

i saw one fic where walters was robotniks dad, and robotnik said hes an orphan because his mother died+ he doesnt see walters as his dad and that BROKE ME. my masculinity CRACKED.

either of them being heavily injured. that actually killed my grandma. that trope as a whole killed my whole family actually. wdym robotnik panicking over losing his agent or robotnik forgetting he's human and getting heavily injured himself

fluff

the doctor cracks and comforts stone

or compliments him. Begrudgingly.

the doctor dances infront of/with stone

stone makes the doctor a proper breakfast out of worry for his health

im an autistic!robotnik truther through and through so when i see stone complying to the traits of the doctor (e.g the whole texture stuff, social cues, etc) my heart melts. Who doesn't love a decent man with should-be common decency?

other

stone's name as aban. its all i gaf abt. give me better names rn. You cannot. to the person who started that i love u sm i use that name in my fics

the doctor figuring out his feelings yet not. love this man going "hah? huh? human emotion? no. No I actually just hate him a lot"

the canonical 'getting-in-the-agent's-face' thing. Use it more let me see that man nearly touch lips with stone

french robotnik. i saw it once. you have no clue how it changed my whole perspective of life. he gotta have some of that french blood somewhere fo sho

stone > robotnik strength wise. stone had some crazy ass training and ive seen that man's Body (im ngl hes hot as fuck) he'd be able to pick up robotnik fairly easily, i wanna see more agent stones strength being shown off to robotnik unintentionally and robotnik just Musing over it

autistic robotnik. click post. need i say more.

forgot to add. ginger robotnik but he dyes his hair brunette. I SAW IT ONCE BUT . it . it makes sense mannn

thats all i could think of at 3:15am . ty for coming to my ted talk

[bokettochild]

small rant warning, very personal, I'm just processing

The actual heck? The heck? The heckity heck?

Okay, so I just read the Autistic Legend headcannons and...I'm.....confused? That's autistic behavior? I grew up with two autistic kids and a dad and sister who my mom defines as having 'aspergers', and I had no clue?

My mom claims to be able to identify autism and whatnot with ease after working with children for 30+ years, but I'm beginning to doubt it because more and more I have been running into information from autistic people themselves, and not doctors or neuro-typical folks, and...I'm....relating to it? And she's never said anything?

Like, the autistic Legend headcannons for instance.

Food. I don't eat well. I always thought it was because I have had mouth surgery twice, once so I could breath properly because apparently my tonsils were so big the doctors were surprised I could breath at all while lying down, and a second time to bore a hole through my jaw so a tooth would actually come down. Anyways, the second one was sort of recent, just a year ago, and since then eating has been trickier. I always was told I was super picky, although that might be true? I can't eat beans because the texture makes me sick, but cornmeal based things are something I just can't handle. There's other things, mostly just spicy foods or heavily seasoned things, but as of late, most breads and meats are on the list too. I mean, I can eat them, but making myself do so can range from just a bit of worry to straight up trying to force it while my throat closes.

Stims. The cracking knuckles and messing with hair hit me in the gut because I do that a lot! I pop my knuckles whenever I'm nervous or have nothing to do with myself, that or roll my neck. But if I have to sit still a long time and listen to something or read or get caught trying to focus, I've always had an issue with scratching. Like, my head, my hands. I used to make both bleed because while it didn't necessarily feel good, it was satisfying in a weird way and helped me handle school stress and stuff better.

Clothes. I grew up wearing different clothes each day but honestly choosing them is a chore and if I could I'd fall back to my go to flannel shirt, maybe a tank top, and a pair of pants. the flannel is big and comfy and warm, and makes me feel safe. It's sort of like a boyfriend's sweater? But minus the boyfriend. I bought the biggest men's size they had in store and while I'm not drowning in it, it makes me feel better because I can pretend or imagine I'm borrowing a loved one's clothes, which helps a lot when I'm feeling lonely and/or touch starved (aka most of the time). But yeah, could I get away with wearing stuff like this all the time I would? Just, I like looking nice, but this outfit doesn't bother my skin the way lots of other clothes do. Most clothes feel a bit restraining or heavy or too much or too tight or just wrong. Like, I look good, but someone's always got something to say, and at least with my flannel there's no question about stuff. I'm being lazy, I know it doesn't look nice, it doesn't matter how it fits because it's too big to tell what I look like beneath (for the most part, i'm still female), in fact it even makes me look smaller (my mom's always on us about looking fat and/or pregnant despite the fact we've all just got naturally wider set skeletons). I just- having a set of clothes that's your go to to avoid making choices of other clothes?

Honestly, I have no clue how much of this is actually ND stuff, I'm just referencing that headcannon list.

Does a hatred of socks and shoes count? Does hating have the blankets over your feet count? Does a hatred of gloves count? We live near the mountains, it gets freaking cold, but I don't like hand/foot cages, even if I know I need them because otherwise I could get really sick (that and my skin cracks and bleeds with humidity and harsh winds, never mind the cold)

Yelling. The yelling thing hit. I can't handle volume anyway, my hearing is shit. That said, I randomly just...need to huff? I exclaim when reading stuff, even if it's just me. I babble at characters and I huff and exclaim and shout and I thought it was just a reading thing but sometimes it happens when I'm thinking too? Or just...I need to make sounds?

And then there's the muttering. I think better aloud. I will walk circles and think out loud, and have done so. I wore a small circular track into the ground behind our barn because I would tell myself stories as a coping mechanism and just rant or chatter things out to myself. My mom fusses about it and tells me to stop because "it's disturbing and you know what our families mental health history looks like!" which yeah, her whole family are a bunch of wackadoos; like, yes they have mental illness, but they're also just, as she says, scary. Like, abusive, insane, and in one case, potentially possessed.

So I get it, but also, I'm just talking to myself? It helps me process. There aren't people who want to hear my ideas and I've been laughed at enough to know not to chatter around other people, so I talk to me, because while I may judge, I will always offer constructive criticism and if I laugh I'm laughing with myself. So yeah, I chatter at myself and I murmur under my breath and I read well if I'm doing so aloud.

And I hum. I need music. It's less of a thing outside the house, but when home, if I'm not doing something with another person that requires chatter, I need music. I can function without it, but it helps. I know it's mostly so I can filter the chatter and the noise of the house, because tuning into that 24/7 is painful for my poor brain since it never stops. My mom can come down any time of day or night and clatter outside my door in her schoolroom/office, and there's almost always something going on. Tuning into all current emotions, conversations, footsteps and whatnot is frustrating and music offers a break. But it also just....occupies the brain?

The gestures thing hit too. I know I'm supposed to motion and so I motion a lot. I talk a lot with my body, and my sisters have repeatedly pointed out my tendency to "pose". I pose all the time. I'm constantly aware of eyes and while I might not always be sitting pretty or whatever, I know exactly what my pose means at any given time and will adjust accordingly in order to...I don't know.... seem normal? Follow rules? I have no clue why I do it anymore, I just know I do it and I can't remember not doing so. They're not even crazy poses! I'm just good at controlling my body most times?

And then there's the explaining thing that was mentioned. I'm....not very smart. I write and I create but science is a pain to me, and while math can be a fun puzzle to solve, it is also not my strength. I'm also just not good with practical stuff. Politics is confusing, people are confusing, medical whatnot and finance and whatnot are confusing, and whenever anyone talks to me about anything outside of creative pursuits I feel like a blasted idiot and just want to cry because I have so much trouble understanding. And for this reason, whenever I talk about anything at all, I feel the need to over-explain everything because I have no clue how much anyone might or might not understand about what I'm saying, and I want them to understand and not be confused to tears like I get, but I also don't want to treat them like idiots. So I keep finding myself going "does that make sense?" "did you get that?" "did any of that makes sense or...?" and usually it's fine, because it's just a couple sisters who I can chatter to and most of the time they chatter a lot too about similar things, although without the confirmation and whatnot. Although to be fair, I tend to keep track of what people tell me about their interests if I see them a lot because my bully/elder sibling trained me to always be able to snap up whatever crumbs of her interests she'd drop so I could maintain a proper conversation about her interests without frustrating her with having to remind me what character, anime, episode, season and whatnot she was talking about, despite the fact she didn't want me to know too much and so I could never actually see certain things or know certain facts until I was deemed worthy or ready or she just couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I swear I learned to keep seven or more shows straight and regurgitate info on them at the drop of a hat!

But yeah. Things don't make sense and I don't grasp new stuff well unless it's people's personal interests, and I'm never sure my interests or thought processes make sense to others.

Also, apparently some of my characterizations of characters are ND coded? I've had people point out ADHD tendencies in Legend and... that's just stuff I do? Or stuff I feel he would do? Chatting and writing/drawing at the same time? Skipping to new thoughts and then trying not to double back only to realize people want to go back? That's actually never happened but I think I'd be surprised if it did, hence writing Legend as so.

And just..... things make sense? Posts about being ND are relatable? I am confused in a million ways.

I've been told all my life that my siblings were the ND kids. I was the normal one. I have built my whole sense of self off of being normal. I'm average height in a family of yeti's. I'm curvy but not too much so in a family where we go from "starves herself skinny" to "struggling to get back to a healthy weight for safeties sake". I was the brown haired brown eyed (they're green now? they were brown when I was a kid though?) quiet, behaved, responsible kid who watched babies for hours at age ten so other kids could play and parents could work on projects. I was the one counted on to be normal and responsible and not break down and cry. I was the good kid. I was the normal kid. And while I know being good and being neuro-typical are not dependent on each other (heaven knows so many NT people are asses) it's still odd to think....

Growing up, I knew the list:

Dad is autism spectrum

Mom is ADHD, OCD, Type A and has PTSD (and maybe more?)

Eldest sister is autism spectrum

Second elder sibling is ADHD, Bi-polar, ADD, OCD and a lot of other stuff my parents never looked into because they thought it was just a label and didn't realize they could get her help with it

Two siblings after me are both autistic. My brother is traditionally autistic, what most people think of (so says my mom), and my sister is more sensory seeking and with a bit of difficulty with socializing and understanding social cues and whatnot, but she's smart, pretty and funny so people don't even notice (I don't think).

The sister after them was my ally in normalicy, we were the "normal, good kids" as far as anyone was concerned.

The siblings after that are ADHD, have attachment issues (likely abandonment issues too, although that's me speaking and not a diagnosis) and my youngest sister has no much I don't even know half of it! She's got a missing chromosome, poor hearing, cognitive delays, speech delays, and is just generally not the normal seven year old , (which isn't bad; God made her just how she ought to be and we love her).

I love them all. I treasure them all. But in a family of twelve where nearly everyone had some sort of struggle with mental, physical, emotional or educational matters, I was the normal kid who handled stuff well and that was what made me stand out. That's what I relied on to remind myself that there was something different about me that made me worth people's time. I mean, we have to compete! There's only 24 hours in a day, two parents and ten kids, not to mention work, lesson planning and the fact we rarely see them much because they hold up in their room to work.

Being normal was my special. Being dependable was what made me matter. Being able to handle things made my parents smile and praise me and I won't lie, I lived for that because that's all I had going for me.

But then I crashed in senior year, I've floundered since, I stopped mattering because I was dependable because I could hardly depend on myself. I may not even be normal? I may not even be what I though made me matter and while I know there's nothing wrong with being ND and normal is really nothing more than a setting on a washing machine, it's still........confusing? Scary? So, so......something?

Words?!!??!?!?!?!!?

I keep getting kicked in the ass with the clues I might not be all I thought I was, and...yeah.

I'm not trying to devalue anyone, or say there's something wrong with being ND, I just....it's a process? I'm trying to process a potential reality that may have been the real one all along?

I'm wondering if my mom knows and decided to never tell me or admit it because leaving a 14 year old potentially ND kid in charge of seven special needs kids, ages 12 to 0, as well as a small farm, most of the housework and meal prep, and her own schooling is like...messed up? Like, does she realize?

There's stuff I keep hearing that I remember doing as a kid.

I didn't like social play, I liked organizing the toys. I rearranged the church nursery's baby doll beds, clothes and babies. Made sure to arrange everything perfectly, sort by clothing type and size and sort (I was like 11). I didn't "cook" with toy food. I made arrangements and then left them there because I didn't want to break them. I didn't always want adventures in games, I liked systems. I learned to play adventures, but I liked making patterns and arrangements and schedules and following them.

And people? I have not a clue how to address people! I spent a good portion of my first dance in highschool hiding behind the scenery/in the bathroom and sobbing because I felt so out of place and confused and lonely. I struggle to connect, to converse. I can read people to a point but I never know what's wanted of me so I flounder? I broke off my only romantic relationship because (a) I didn't like him like that and (b) I had no clue what he wanted of me because no one was asking/demanding like I'm used to and I couldn't read a bloody thing from him.

Apparently, or so I'm told, that's not a normal kid thing?

I'm just wondering what I missed. What did my parents miss? Do they think this too? Is this something they realize? My mom goes around diagnosing random kids I know with autism and aspergers and any number of behavioral disabilities, but if I'm right, has she been missing one that's been under her nose for 20 years?

.......

Ketto feels oof

[mammoneymelon]

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you. 

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?” 

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?” 

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air. 

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself. 

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast. 

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

[bookish-feelings]

Is anyone else autistic and really in love with Zofia from The Gilded Wolves and just feels.. represented very well?

I haven't read many books with autistic representation which is also because most of them focus on social struggles. They often seem to leave out any other symptoms and traits – especially hypersensitivity, sensory issues,...

I started The Gilded Wolves without knowing the book had autistic rep. But when I was about 3 pages into Zofia's first POV chapter, I immediately had to google if someone else linked her to being autistic. I wouldn't have thought she might be canonically autistic, as it seemed so unlikely to me, so I was surprised to find out.

I love how her autistic traits are woven really clever into the story. Little mentions of sensory issues and preferences, not understanding some jokes or sarcasm, preferring the quiet. It might me a minor thing but she hates sprinkles and doesn't eat Laila's colorfully decorated cookies. And she hates when her food touches. This may not apply to most autistic people with sensory eating struggles but it's such a clever detail I'd never expected to find in a book. I hate sprinkles too, the texture is just...gross to me. And colorful frostings are usually not my thing either.

Then, her unique ways to see details and solve a riddle, actually help the group. Her way to see the world is welcomed, even helpful and needed.

This is such an important aspect of her character. Autistic people's way to solve a problem can actually help neurotypicals.

I also found that her descriptions and thoughts of the other group members perfectly fit what I thought of them in the beginning of the book, and how I think I would see them in real life.

It's mostly small details, but the whole book felt like home. And no, this isn't just because of Zofia and autistic representation, I love all characters and she's not even my only favorite, I love the world, the fantasy elements, the story and many riddles and clues, I love the setting. But seeing a character like Zofia in a book like this is so fantastic. I can't describe it well enough.

[zosonils]

what are some random papyrus headcanons you currently have?

ooughwhhghgh anon you know the EXACT way to my heart. got a map to it and everything. a real good and fancy map. the ones with sea monsters in the corners

autistic adhd papyrus real

he tends to think of anything he doesn’t understand [and even some things he does!] in terms of puzzles, since they’re a lifelong special interest and they help him contextualise things! for instance if he’s navigating someplace he’s never been before it’s easier for him to visualise things as an incomplete map that he has to find the pieces [landmarks] of than it is to just wander until he finds his way or go up to someone and ask for directions [talking to people he doesn’t know very well is also a puzzle and he has more trouble solving that one because sometimes the clues lie to you]. this approach to things makes him astoundingly good at working through things logically, although between the difficulties applying this sort of thinking to unpredictable social situations and his occasional penchant for insane troll logic he doesn’t have a 100% success rate

in addition to this he’s a really visual thinker and can understand almost anything really quickly if he has a way to visualise it, whether it’s explicitly given to him or he thinks of one himself and suddenly goes OH I GET IT NOW. anything that doesn’t come with a coherent visual metaphor is borderline impossible for him to grasp, though. dude needs his diagrams

he likes playing video games, at least when he isn’t hyperfocused on his duties as a royal guard in training, and he tends to get an insane amount of mileage out of them because once he beats whatever objective the game explicitly gives him he’ll start making up his own self-imposed challenges or ‘puzzles’ instead. like if you gave him tetris he’d be super into the standard a-type and b-type modes, but once he gets tired of those he’ll start doing stuff like trying to play in time with the music, or without rotating any pieces, or painstakingly arranging incomplete lines so that the empty spaces form some kind of intricate pattern

gloves and especially scarves are a comfort accessory for him! even before/after the battle body is a thing and he’s wearing different clothes from one day to another pretty much every outfit he wears includes those accessories. if it’s too hot for a huge warm tightly-wrapped scarf he just grits his teeth and wears it anyway

the reason pap hates grease so much is that it sets off literally every single sensory issue he has. it sticks to you when you touch it just a little, it feels just as gross through your gloves, it’s hard to wash off, it stains your favourite scarf so you have to put it through the washing machine twice to make absolutely sure it doesn’t smell weird later and stress you out again, it has a gross taste that stays in your mouth for ages, it’s just the worst! how his brother stomachs the stuff he’ll never know [and it’s not because he doesn’t have a stomach, that doesn’t mean he can’t have standards either]

papyrus knows that sans suffers from depression, and he understands what that actually means as opposed to just having a surface-level grasp on ‘sans isn’t happy as often as he should be’. the issue isn’t that he doesn’t understand or desperately want to help, he does, but the sheer magnitude of sans’ issues is just substantially more than papyrus has any frame of reference for. the best he knows how to do is to be as blisteringly positive as possible in hopes that some of it will rub off on sans, while also refusing to enable any of the lazy or blatantly self-destructive habits sans has that papyrus can tell aren’t making him feel any better. short motherfucker needs a trained therapist and/or antidepressants more than anything but papyrus is doing everything he can, and while papyrus being papyrus is already enough to keep sans going he’s helping as much as he does specifically because of the deliberate effort he makes to beat sans’ depression over the head with a bone until it runs off hissing

wow that one got long lmao sorry i just really hate when people portray papyrus as completely oblivious to sans’ problems when he’s pretty strongly hinted to understand them to at least some degree and 1. it literally makes for such a better story on both the heartwarming and crushingly tragic ends of the spectrum if pap knows and is doing his best to help 2. even if it didn’t people are still deliberately ignoring huge chunks of papyrus’ characterisation in favour of portraying him as the smol little innocent cinnamon roll uwu bean who doesn’t understand anything and y’all have got to realise the implications of forcing this personality on the most heavily autistic coded character in the game :|

on a more lighthearted note, papyrus can reluctantly but wholeheartedly appreciate a good pun or cleverly-planned prank, he just knows that sans likes getting a rise out of people with them and goes with his instinct to groan over his instinct to laugh because it makes sans happy. sans is completely aware that papyrus is doing this, so there’s an unspoken self-aware undertone to their whole routine lmao

whenever papyrus, sans, and undyne are together they have this wacky dynamic where they’re all constantly tossing the straight man role around like a hot potato and i want a dumb sitcom about the three of them living in the skeleton household that goes absolutely mental with this wacky dynamic and god damn it i’ll write it myself if i have to

papyrus gets to kin me for this one, there’s like a single phineas and ferb dvd that fell into the underground a few years ago that made its way to him in one way or another [sans probably gave it to him with no way of predicting the special interest hell [positive] he was about to unleash] and he immediately became obsessed. he can recite entire episodes from memory because he watched them so many times the audio got burned into his brain. his favourite character is doof and he considers the annoying dog his personal perry the platypus. when he gets to the surface and finds out that there’s like 200 more episodes he cries with happiness

aroace papyrus also real

it’s getting late so i’m going to leave this here but i am always down to talk about papyrus. i fuckin love papyrus so much guys

[aerial-aspie]

An Autistic Point of View 2

Hi there! It's Hazel and I'm first going to talk about what it's like to me to be autistic.

So for me I got diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 14 and it has helped me understand a lot of my traits, which now I can articulate to you.

I'm obsessive and I mean very obsessive, once I find something I really really like it's all the occupies my brain day and night, everyday and sometimes to the point where I can't focus because all I want to think about is my obsession. A few examples of this was Vocaloid, BTS/K-pop and right now Genshin Impact.

During lessons, I struggled to stay 100% focused at all times because my brain always likes to drift off into dream land and I have to make a big mental effort to reign myself back into reality. This problem affect me when I used to take Chemistry (it was far too hard for my pea brain anyway) and the moment my brain switched off, BOOM! I'd missed a ton of information, even if it was only for 10 seconds.

However, now, after changing subjects and finding the right ones for me, I'm finding it much easier to control my need to daydream and can focus much better.

Next, I am forgetful. Imagine a sieve but only the unimportant information (normally to do with what I'm obsessing over) stays and everything else falls through, no matter how important it is to me. I hurt my knuckles over lockdown learning and needed to ice them frequently and it was very important, however, 2 seconds after remembering I needed to do that, you guessed it! I forgot about it.

Forgetfulness is hard, especially when at school because I need to drill my theory into my brain so hard because I will forget so easily. As well as at school, I have my phone and Alexa full of reminders to tell me to simple tasks such as to update this blog or to practice my piano or else I'd forget.

Lets throw in a weird one now. To be honest even I have no clue if this is an autistic trait but it's certainly something that affects me. When studying or reading I can't listen to any music with English lyrics. Why? Because I focus on the lyrics and draw myself into them and then struggle to concentrate when working because I can understand what's being sung. So my playlists involve game soundtracks, a few screamo bands (you can't understand what they're saying anyways) and Asian pop.

One thing that was said through my diagnosis is that it's possible I could have anxiety for life and as of writing this I'm currently trying to get therapy or medication for it.

Anxiety is isolating, it's painful with its physical side effects (which manifest in chest pains for me), it gives unneeded stress over problems which to others seem minor, it gives me panic attacks which range in severity, it gives a fear embarrassment, of messing up, of standing out, of being DIFFERENT.

Everything about myself I scrutinise, I'm trying to give up chocolate because it gives me so much extra stress that I believe it's unhealthy for myself. I must present myself in a way where I don't seem rude or impolite as I'm scared of how everyone will react. If I get into an argument or something I believe is an argument, I beat myself up about it and I feel like I hurt everyone around me.

I believe I'm a constant annoyance, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm a chatterbox and you can't shut me up. But it makes me self conscious, am I talking too much? Is everyone just being friendly out of obligation? Are they all secretly annoyed at me? Are questions I ask myself daily and blame myself at some points for not being normal.

My brain sticks to the past and words echo my mind for sometimes years giving me fears that others would even know of. Such as the lessons about heart disease in biology always play in my mind to the point I want to give up chocolate because it's giving me so much stress as my brain is like OH MY GOD YOU ATE CHOCOLATE NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE! And then I get stressed and get chest pains which only further add to it.

Now we got the heavy topic out the way lets move on! Autism has led me to have a fine motor coordination disability which has affect me my whole life, I can't handwrite well, I struggle opening tins, peeling vegetables, unlocking the door to get in my house, using scissors, folding things and the list goes on (and let me tell you it's long).

But you get the gist, I struggle with a lot of things and it can take me a much longer amount of time to work out things than someone normal.

I'm also extremely disorganised, actually that's a lie. I'm extremely organised but it doesn't look it. My room is a mess and I know that but I could tell you where everything is in seconds because it's what I call 'an organised mess'. I organise things but it's not neat, it's just where my brain decides is a good place to put things.

My school bag is so organised to point I don't like people touch it because I know where everything is and it has to be in the same pockets or else I'll get upset because it just has to be there and that is something no one can change.

However, even though I'm on that point of organisation, I still get stressed about if I have forgotten anything even though I never have.

Part of my autism is physical traits too, I am born with weak muscles in many places, the ones I know of so far are my wrists, knees, eyes and lower back. Because of this I can't handwrite long essays and have to have computer support to help me with this problem. With other areas, it's places I know I need to be careful when training at circus because I discovered my weak back after crucifix rolls on a cloudswing went wrong (it's a type of error that will always happen when learning this move) and I locked up my spine, from then on I've never done that move ever again.

Whilst being quite extroverted (only around people I'm comfortable with, if not I'm extremely shy) I'm actually very sensitive to things. I can't be touched suddenly or at my waist or I will flinch or flail and let me tell you, as I martial artist I do hit extremely hard in reflex. I also am sensitive to loud noises when I'm not expecting it, such as seeing war horse the stage show where the sounds of gun shots and explosions were played so loud that I had a panic attack in the theatre. However, at concerts, I'm fine as I'm expecting this loud noise and I know what is coming.

A weird thing I find about myself is that I'm very contrasting, I'm highly emotional but don't understand emotion. My first emotional response to any emotion is to cry and yes it is extremely embarrassing to cry in front of others (I believe crying in public should be normalised not shamed). Yet I can't understand emotion such as when people are sad, I don't realise it and happily talk to them and then feel like they hate me because they ignore me and then beat myself up for not realising they're sad when they tell me so. But it's not just sadness, being talked to in a firm voice, to me means they're angry when they're not, criticism means everything I've done is stupid and you get the point.

However, not only do I not understand emotion normally, I actually at times can't feel it, I get excited before a concert but when it starts I feel nothing, everything I feel just disappears and my mind is blank, so I actually have to force myself to be happy and then my brain realises I'm happy and I don't have to put in effort to sustain an emotion.

Now last but not least (remember how I said I was forgetful, it's already come into play here that I can't even remember if I've covered everything about my Asperger's) I can't do instructions, if I'm given a list of items I need to take, a long list of instructions to follow with no physical copy to reference by the time the last instruction has been said, I've already forgotten the first one and this has been fatal when I've ended up with really bad sunburn because I forgot to bring sun cream because the list I was given was too long to remember.

And that's it folks, my autism is a nutshell that's probably missing some stuff but it's as much as I can tell you from the top of my head and if I remember more stuff I'll make sure to post it.

Thanks for following!

[zikadraws]

Okay, so here we go... Here are some more concept information about the 'violin girl'.

I'm not absolutely settled on her name currently, but for now, she'd be named

🎻{Abigail}📼

(Lately adopted pattern) (*click on pictures for better quality*)

So {Abigail} (I'm looking for an eerier name) is a little girl who was a pensioner in an all-girl orphanage which had the particularity of being specialised for ''Children with difficulties''. Understand by that that each time regular orphanages bumped into a little girl with 'comportmental' troubles (ADHD, Down syndrome, bipolarity, severe anxiety etc...) They just dumped her here. It was at a time where people didn't make the difference. Yeah, so basically an all-little girls asylum, that's it. Nonetheless, she happens to be peaceful, and will be an ally and guide for Luigi through this establishment, in spite of her rather... Strange motivations and behaviour.

🏚️🎻Character information 📼🧷:

She's in the institution because she is autistic. Although she's the only one with autism out of all the pensioners, so it causes many misunderstandings. They don't even know what autism is.

Her autism manifests with stiming (before dying she jumped in place, now she excitedly flaps her sleeves, so she musts always wear some long sleeves), a mechanical, literary and really clear way of talking, staring endlessly into your bare soul and by that I don't mean your eyes, being as overattentive to her environment changes as a fieldmouse (but with the same focus capabilities unfortunately), being bluntly frank and taking everything to first degree (she has high difficulties with second degree), difficulties with touching and one. Specific. Interest.

Now, she's relatively autonomous (except forgetting to sleep often, and also to feed). Although she is really hard to interest or get to focus on any other fields than anything related to her one absolute specific interest, which by its nature is definitely not to improve her relation with her comrades.

The problem is that her specific interest happens to be FEAR. By that I mean, the sensation of fear, the ambience of fear, the sight of fear and such. Now, there's nothing malicious in that, she does not think bad in the slightest, she just genuinely associates fear with a pleasant sensation. So she tries to recreate this sensation as best as she can.

So of course, she really enjoys creepy medias ; but out of them all, the best she found to create fear happens to be music, and sound.

She so specialised herself to compose chilling songs, and loves to distort and manipulate others to make them eerier. For this, she has her personal violin, and an organ (sorry about that last mistake) in the institution's chapel. (And another more recent crafted instrument.)

She equally possesses a recorder with old tapes, and with that, she hunts down and record every sound she considers chilling and scary (from doors creaking to actual screams of persons) to later arrange them like a mixtape (she got expert in cutting and rearranging tapes), and then play these to herself along with her eerie music, freaking out to the bone anyone who can hear such a symphony. But for her, it's the best of things.

The whole building resonates with her creations, and is scattered with tricks straight coming from classic ghost stories. She stalks any trespasser coming into them and her sound ambience, in the goal of catching their screams on tape, and later use/compile these. That is kind of the main reason why she offered to guide Luigi, actually. She can be seen recording every one of his jumpscares.

She'd most likely kick ass with actual better sound monitoring/mixing/recording material.

🏚️More general information :🗝️

Since she wasn't really appreciated at the time the institution was still running, she was given a leftover nightgown three times too big for her, which is why she uses a steel pin🧷 to keep it on her shoulders.

The institution no longer have adults. Only the little girls ghosts.

She is an outcast to the institution's others residents, which the main one is the pensioners's leader, a girl with the same particularities as Hellen Gravely who HATES her and accuses her of being the reason they're all dead and alone. Even though she's keeping trespassers away with her scare tricks and music.

When she was alive, plus of her birthmarks all over her body she also had eyes of each a different colour. Some adults believed hard as steel she was a witch.

She has the natural talent of unsettling/putting everyone at unease by simply EXISTING

She has an extremely intense default poker face and practically never changes of expression. Like literally she could be feeling anything and you wouldn't have a clue- (all hail comic expressions language)

With adequate material, she can bring the expression ''catching someone on tape'' to... Another level. But she has yet to figure this out.

She also collects keys for some reason. Plenty of them. She's not only interested in fear, y'know.

That's all I got for her right now.

---

Alright, thank you for your attention. I hope you like her, even if she is definitely not as clear as Pépé Boutefeu. Wish you reserve her a good welcome !...

Okay, that'd be it for tonight. If you have questions about, or for her, don't hesitate^^

Oh, and before we leave ! {Abigail} wants to let you know something :

...Thaaat's it, thank you and goodnight !😅

---

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[impulsivelycontentious]

No one reads this or connects it with my other online identities but since I've removed personals involvement from my other social media stuff, and I feel like bitching, I am jsut gonna go ahead and do it.

So I have brain damage. Yeaaaaars ago I threw up so hard I actually ripped open the inside of an artery in my neck, and it threw a clot, and that clot did some nasty shit on its way on through and out.

No doctor noticed for two weeks.

Everyone else did.

Good times.

Anyway.

So now I have a damaged brain. Brains don't grow back. Some areas can regenerate a few cells - notably the prefrontal lobe - but mostly brains fix themselves not by regenerating like skin does, but by rearranging the cells we have to fire to fancy new configurations.

This has been quite the ride. Because shit, it changes things.

I don't even know how much of my personality is consistent. No idea. Let alone everything else.

I have memory loss my nurologist won't akowledge because it falls short of dementia. That was the bar. "You don't have dementia, you know what year it is." Gee thanks there chief.

Anyway.

My brain wasn't too stable to begin with. I have always been prone to logic leaps that occur very quickly and not necessarily in ways other people would make them. My mind is jumbled and a little random and things collide all the time that probably shouldn't.

This has become much worse since the brain damage. See, my brain keeps wiring shit together. Shit it really shouldn't. It changes who I am, what I think, what I can think.

It's actually quite terrifying to realise you're a sack of geletine misfiring lighting at itself.

So anyway. To the point. Yes - I have one of those. Probably. It's somewhere in here.

Oh right, no, another detour. I'm autistic. "Oh yeah, they definatly didn't screen girls when I was a kid because how the fuck did they miss this otherwise" autistic.

Back to the point.

Recently I had this sensory processing ... Whatever the fuck that was. I call them.idssocistive episodes. I don't know how accurate that is. But my mind unhooks from my sensory data. Everything feels muted and unreal - sound, sight, touch, heat. Name it. It's wrong.

I hate these.

It gets particularly nasty because there are nurologicsl consequences. See, my concious mind ramps up it's interpretation of sensory data. It goes all in and leaves the rest of my existence stuffed in this tiny little box without enough space to do dick.

One effect of this is I suddenly become highly obsessive. I think it's a comfort mechanism, I require the same stimulus over and over again or to somehow mentally connect it to the same element. Of course, it could also jsut be that obsessive behaviour towards interests is part of who I am. I am autistic. I DEFIANTLY go all in when something fascinates me. But not... Not like this.

Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I watched starwars 8 in 72 hours? Any clue? Holy fricking ... Something. I watched it fast. I watched it slow. I watched it skipping ahead 10 seconds every 10 seconds. I dissected that thing in micrscopic detail.

It gets better. Because mere hours before I got hit with this episode... I was not a starwars fan.

Nope. I watched it. It was ok. I wasn't going out of my way for it.

And suddenly. Wham. Episode 8. All the time. I watched some 7 and 9 as well but it was like it was entierly because eit was connected to 8.

I cannot even.

And while this is happening, *I know*. I know. I really do. I know this isn't my normal behaviour. I know this isn't my wheelhouse. I know something is deeply, deeply wrong in my brain.

I think it might actually be an ok movie, honestly. But not THAT good. And now it's one of my favourite things. Forever. I have no idea if it's actually good. Did I not give eit a chance the first time? Is my obsessive brain simply emotionally hooked up how? Fuck, I don't know.

So that's why I'm posting today. On this day. May 4th.

I'm seeing a lot of star wars today and it's making my brain tickle with it's own ridiculousness.

Not the whole point though. Because it lasted 72 hours (I watched dit one more time after that and if wasn't near as intense).

But what happened AFTER my 72 hours as an obsessive raylo (oh yeah. I went there. I'm not even ashamed. I am also compeltely content with the end they got, because I do not see that shit working out).

Brains don't regrow. They rewire.

And suddenly, I'm drawing. Like... A lot. I filled pages of doodles. Sketches. I redrew a peice I'd been working on for about a month in a few hours and damnit, it was good. It's not professional quality but I'd never down anything that well before. This goes on for another day. And then I started a story, and I wrote 2000 words all at once.

I'm dyslexic. And words are severely impacted by my brain damage to the point it can cause me phsycial pain to force my thoughts in to words.

And here I am. Going nuts on my phone. The words just spilling out and again - damnit, it was good shit.

My brain was abstracting. Where the concious sort had been shunted, it wasn't directing the abstracting aspect of my mind.

And I was making cognative leaps. My brain was wiring itself together for creativity.

For another 24 hours.

And now, dear reader, we get to now.

I have written 200 words in the last 2 days. They feel wrong.

I started and stopped a dozen images. None of them feel right. And there are objective quality differences.

I can still draw a bit. If I'm not tired. I'm almost always tired - it's neural fatigue, it comes with surviving a brain damage.

I have somehow brain damaged my way in to better skills.

And it's... It's not a good feeling.

Doing it the first time and watching something take place in front of my eyes I don't recognise was like magic. It was euphoric. Amazing. Exciting.

Realising as time wears on that the ability to do this is intrinsically tied in to the way ones brain handles brain damage and sensory processing issues?

Not a great feeling cats. Not at all.

I find myself staring at a document willing words on tot he page that just aren't there anymore and feeling so frustrated I could scream.

Whose idea was this anyway? Why can't I keep my rewiring?

It's so hard dto explain the feeling of loss.

It's not me who did these things. A version of me, yes. But not the one we are keeping.

The one we keep struggles to hold a narrarive in her head and the narrator's tone took 3 rewritten to preserve for a single paragraph.

I don't want to stop. But how do I keep going? I'm not the author anymore and I've always struggled with adopting the tone of others.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. And I wanna talk about it. Because I don't want to be alone. But I can't escape the feeling I'm being dramatic. Terribly dramatic. And so talking about it is hard. How much is my own spin and perception and how much is real?

Did this really happen?

I think it did. But like every story I tell, I don't know. Memory loss. Cognetive issues.

I just wanna tell stories and draw. But the words hurt and the art makes me tired.

It's frustrating is all.

I hate being lighting geletine.

In case you're wondering what kind of cognative leap happened:

That one is april 4th.

And that one April 28th.

🤷‍♀️

Fucked if I know, really.

[velkynkarma]

Why Brandon Sanderson Is an Amazing Writer (and Why You Should Read His Novels)

Last week I was recommending some novels to @bosstoaster and was really struggling to not fan squeal all over the place about just how incredible Sanderson’s novels are. Usually, when this happens, I try to pick 1-2 things I like about his writing to talk about, so I don’t talk a person’s ear off...but that usually means so much gets left out.

But I’ve been thinking about it since, so you know what? I can do whatever I want on my blog. So here’s my full, unadulterated breakdown of all the things that are so damned incredible (and consistent) about Brandon Sanderson’s novels (as well as his writing methodology). 

Does contain minor spoilers, but not for anything huge, and I tried to keep even the minor spoilers vague.

PLOT

Incredible world-building—that isn’t generic medieval fantasy-land

I love fantasy as much as the next person, and I enjoy most generic medieval fantasy stories if the plot or characters are great. But Sanderson’s always exploring different kinds of worlds, and entering them is always engaging. Magical cowboy western? A world continually buffeted by enormous hurricanes on a regular basis, so everything evolved to survive them, including the flora and fauna? A world where ash constantly falls? A world that is literally the embodiment of thought and concept? There’s always something exciting to discover.

Incredible magic systems

Like the generic medieval fantasy world-building, I’m used to the D&D style magic systems with energies and fireballs. Sanderson doesn’t touch these kinds of magic systems, though, and I’m continually stunned at just how creative the ones he does use are. Ingest metal, and use it to activate a latent power of yours? Bonding with the literal living embodiment of a concept in order to gain abilities? Re-writing the history of an item so it believes it can be different, and it changes? Using color as payment for a system based entirely around souls and soul coding? The list is long and always entertaining. He’s even written a whole article about how to design magic systems, which is also worth a read.

Really good at the ‘good’ kind of plot twists that leave you genuinely satisfied

I know we’ve all been frustrated by the recent trend that media seems to have these days: viewers or readers guess the direction the plot is heading in, and creators, in a panic, throw in a completely unrelated plot twist (changing the whodunnit, killing off a character, adding a resolution that makes no sense). Those suck. Let’s be real.

Sanderson does the opposite. He leaves the clues in his stories—they’re always there, and you can figure it out with the context clues, if you’re clever. If you’re not, he’s real good at throwing in twists that are hinted at, but still feel incredibly impactful and really satisfying. The end of The Emperor’s Soul still gives me chills, and I still love the twists regarding the big bads in Mistborn and The Stormlight Archive.

Also? He genuinely will catch you by surprise, sometimes. I consider myself to be a pretty experienced reader, and a decent writer. I can usually tell where plots are going for most stories. That’s satisfying, of course. But Sanderson has a way of still managing to sucker-punch me with a plot twist or reveal that feels shocking in a good way. I don’t see a lot of these coming, but the result isn’t disappointment, it’s a “holy crap—wow, how cool!” followed by an intense desire to reread half the story to pick out the clues that were sitting in front of me the whole time, now that I know what they’re actually for. 

Really interesting meta-level stories 

Depending on how invested you want to get, there’s a meta-level of interconnected story with the Cosmere. All of Sanderson’s stories are enjoyable on their own, and you’re never required to go deeper. But if you want to, you can, and suddenly there’s a whole second layer of information and characters in the background that you never really noticed, because most of his stories are actually connected to each other too. You don’t have to know who Hoid is or how he contributes to each separate story, you don’t have to be able to find the crossover characters that have literally crossed over from other books, and you don’t have to understand the whole Shards angle, and you can still enjoy all those books on an individual basis. But when you do know how to spot them in the narratives, it’s really fun, and you feel like you’re in on a great secret.

CHARACTER

Only male author I’ve ever read that actually writes GOOD female characters 

Brandon Sanderson seems to have hit on the not-so-secret secret that most male authors—who dominate the fantasy genre—haven’t seemed to figure out yet: women are people too. 

Consequently, Sanderson writes incredible varieties of female characters, each with their own personalities and quirks, who don’t necessarily fall into the “damsel in distress” or “masculine-coded action lady” stereotypes. See the politically savvy Sarene, the scholarly Shallan, the clever and artistic Shai, rebellious and somewhat childish Siri, the formal and analytical Steris. (These are literally just the ladies with names that start with S). 

But it gets better. Because even with action-hero ladies, they still have characterizations outside of ‘being a lady that beats people up like a man and strives to be as unlady-like as possible to prove she can beat people up like a man.’ Vin might be an action heroine, but she’s also a young woman who’s learning how to have a family, who’s scared of opening up to people, and who’s insecure about her place in the world. Marasi wants to be part of law enforcement, but admits to another character that she also likes the make-up and dresses and looking pretty—and she hates that people expect her to be a masculine action-lady that wears pants and starts fights, because she feels like she won’t even be seen in her field if she doesn’t, and like she has to represent all women. 

But I think the biggest example of this comes from his short story Shadows for Silence in the Forests of Hell, which (despite its edge-tastic title), is about a mother trying to protect her daughter. Sanderson wrote it as a part of the anthology Dangerous Women, and in his post-script on the story in Arcanum Unbounded, he writes: 

“I thought for a long time about the nature of an anthology called Dangerous Women. I worried that the stories submitted to it might fall into the trope of making women dangerous all in the same way....I didn’t want to write just another cliched story about a femme fatale, or a woman soldier who was basically a man with breasts. 

What other ways could someone be dangerous? I knew early on that I wanted my protagonist to be a middle-aged mother.”

In short, Sanderson actually understands how women work and writes actual, believable, likable female characters, who are just people and not sexual objects or prizes for men to receive at the end of the novel. It’s something we need, and it’s refreshing to see.

But on that note—he’s not afraid to let his male characters be softer either

In the same way that most female characters in fantasy are forced to be masculine-like action ladies, most male characters are also forced into the same role. There’s this misunderstanding that male characters have to all be sword-swinging barbarians who can’t have emotions. 

Sanderson punts this misunderstanding out the window and will have none of it.

There are so many good male characters in this series too that don’t immediately make you want to cringe. Look at Elend, who’s an intellectual doing his best but genuinely screws up a lot, and is all but useless for the first half of the series as a combatant. Look at Wayne, and his heartbreaking moment at the end of Bands of Mourning, who grieves for a person who’d been family to him and isn’t afraid to show how much he cares. Look at Adolin, who seems like the quintessential sword-swinging action-oriented jock, but then completely subverts all expectations by patiently and carefully helping characters with mental illnesses deal with them on their bad days, and being unhesitatingly supportive of his autistic brother. Look at Gaotona, who spends the whole book trying to educate someone on how they’re wrong—only to learn from them instead, and realize he was wrong, and to admit to it. 

Men have their soft moments, written by a male author who’s not afraid to put those moments into his works. And that’s really good, too.

In general, just really good characterization

Sanderson’s characters feel like people. They have oddball quirks, realistic-sounding conversations, and occasionally do things that make no sense. Just like friends, family, coworkers, etc that you and I all no doubt know. Hammond’s philosophical rambling (and Breeze’s frustrated bickering over it), Lift making it her life goal to steal dinners, Wayne’s justification for his kleptomania since he ‘trades’ items instead, David’s weird speech patterns and idioms—these characters are just fun to read, and have extra layers that just make them feel more real.

His books have a strong non-romantic relationship focus

Media in general is inundated with romantic and sexual relationships, and doubly so for fantasy novels—especially when fantasy novels often have a ‘prize’ romance at the end of the epic journey. Save the girl, get the girl. It can be frustrating, especially for people who aren’t interested in romance as a genre (there is a reason a lot of us are reading fantasy novels, and not romance ones).

Sanderson loves focusing on all kinds of relationships though, not just romantic ones. Found family, real family, strong platonic friendships, mentorships, interesting rivals, bonds out of duty—they’re all in here, and Sanderson’s not shy about making it clear. Look at Kelsier openly telling Vin he wishes he and his wife had a daughter like her and admitting he sees her as one, or the way the rest of the team turns her into their little sister that they all teach and protect. Look at Wax taking in Wayne, a scared kid who’d gotten in over his head and didn’t know what to do. Look at Kaladin looking at an entire band of slaves and going, ‘yeah, you’re all mine now and I protect you all,’ and how he forms a whole family out of Bridge Four that ultimately turns around and takes care of him, too (and of course, a lot of Kaladin’s story is driven by his own relationship with his actual family, specifically his younger brother). Look at Shallan doing all that she does at the start of the series to protect her brothers. Look at Prof struggling so hard to protect his little band of Reckoners even as he struggles to protect them from himself. Look at Shai and Gaotona, how they’re set up as prisoner and jailer, and yet they grow to ultimately respect each other.

I could go on and on, but the point is, these non-romantic relationships are everywhere, and they are considered to be just as important as—and sometimes more important than—romantic relationships. 

But on the flip-side, his romantic relationships are very well handled

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a big fan of romance or shipping. It generally doesn’t hold my interest. In most books, I skim or skip the romance parts, because I’m just not invested in those relationships. They feel flimsy. 

I don’t do that with Sanderson’s works. They’re the only books I’ve ever read where I genuinely feel invested in the characters’ romantic relationships. 

Because here’s the thing: all of these characters that are romantically involved, are also good friends, and that’s the basis of their entire relationship to begin with. And that means these relationships are accessible to everyone, regardless of romantic inclinations or interests. 

Adolin and Shallan just joking around and bantering, with him teaching her how to use swords, with her rattling off witty repartee to defend him in verbal spars? When they just genuinely enjoy each others’ company, without having to constantly make out or have sex to indicate why they like being around each other? That’s genuinely fun. It’s some lovely character interaction. Maybe I don’t “get” the parts where they want to do more romantically inclined things, but I can enjoy that they legitimately enjoy being around each other, that they’re good friends as well as romantic partners, and that they trust each other. And that means I can still be engaged in their relationship instead of yawning and skipping ahead a few pages.

Which brings me to:

He also takes common romantic tropes...and throws them in the garbage bin

Sanderson has other ways of handling romantic relationships that I (as a person who doesn’t like romance) finds so impressive it deserves its own section. Because he takes common romantic tropes, and subverts them, and makes the characters all the more healthy for it. 

On at least two occasions (in Stormlight Archive, and in the sequel Mistborn series), Sanderson has set up a classic love triangle...and then immediately broken it. In one novel, one of the male love interests graciously offers to back out if it will mean the female love interest is happy, because he really just wants her to be happy even if that means he’s not around, and she chooses him anyway...whereupon he makes it clear he’ll definitely help her with her mental health and he wants to be supportive of her. Holy shit, what a wild notion, an actual supportive character in a love triangle. In the second series, the love triangle gets set up, but ultimately broken when the man ultimately chooses the arranged marriage over the ‘true love’ angle, and then realizes he actually, legitimately enjoys the company of the lady in the arranged marriage, and the ‘true love’ love interest realizes that actually, that would have been a terrible idea and she wants to pursue her career. Again, a refreshing and ultimately all-around healthy take for all the characters on something that normally has some nasty fallout. 

In Mistborn, my first introduction to one of Sanderson’s series, I remember being genuinely floored and in awe of Elend’s and Vin’s relationship...because Vin is still really nervous about opening up to people and not comfortable with intimacy, and Elend is completely okay with that. He takes it slow with her, lets her set the pace, and doesn’t force her to do anything before she’s ready. Vin is most comfortable just being around/near him without doing anything inherently romantic, just being in his presence, and he is completely cool with that. And that’s such a healthy thing to see in a romantic story, because it’s really important for readers to see that yes, it’s totally OK to not rush into things, and yes, it’s totally OK for people to take it slower or easier for an uneasy partner. 

I could go on and on, but basically, romantic relationships in Sanderson’s novels are also engaging because a lot of the time? They’re healthy, and friendly, and toss most dramatic romantic subplots out on their ass.

While on that note?

He doesn’t do sex scenes

This one might be a loss for some, but it’s a win for me. Depending on how I feel on a given day, I’m either ‘irritated by’ to ‘really uncomfortable by’ sex scenes in novels...and unfortunately they’re prevalent, especially in fantasy novels. I usually end up uncomfortably flipping through these pages, trying to figure out where the scene ends so I can get back to the actual story. 

I honestly can’t think of a sex scene in any of his novels though. In fantasy, it’s stunningly refreshing, and I feel super safe and comfortable reading his novels because I don’t have to worry about uncomfortable surprises. Plus, circling back to the above points, it’s kind of nice to see characters having established relationships without it having to be solely reliant on them having a good or bad sex life.

Has LGBT+ relationships 

Yup, they’re there, and edge past ‘strongly implied’ to ‘blatantly stated’ in some cases too. Offhand, I can think of a pair of men in the Stormlight Archive who are noted to be in a relationship with each other, and a lesbian gunsmith in the second Mistborn series.

What I find important is not just the inclusion of these blatant relationships, but also how it’s treated as completely normal and not taboo in the context of these worlds, too. Non-straight relationships aren’t treated like a scourge or a difficulty these characters have to deal with; it’s just normal in these realities. 

Additionally, what I really like about them is the way other characters will get called out about it if they do cross a line (usually accidentally). In the above cases, Kaladin makes an ignorant off-hand remark about his gay Bridge Four soldier and is immediately called out about it by the rest of the Bridge Four gang, whereupon he realizes he’d crossed a line and apologizes right away. In the Mistborn series, Wayne repeatedly makes passes at lesbian gunsmith Ranette, who spurns his advances. But when he realizes she’s actually into girls, he backs off and respects that, rather than insisting on her dating him. These are some nice little lessons on how straight people actually should react regarding their non-straight friends and family, and normalizes non-straight people existing in society.

Sanderson has also been openly responsive to and cool about people interpreting his characters in non-straight relationships or reading “implied” relationships/romantic subtext, even if he hadn’t originally intended to put them there. Offhand, I can think of one situation where a reader told him he probably didn’t realize “just how bi” he’d written Shallan in regards to her interactions with Jasnah, to which Sanderson’s response was basically, “Well that wasn’t on purpose, but alright, cool, cool.” 

Also very good about inclusivity for mental illnesses and disabilities

While we’re on the topic of inclusivity, let’s talk mental illnesses and disabilities as well, because Sanderson is great about including these too. In Stormlight Archive alone, we have: 

Renarin, who in addition to having some physically disabilities (specifically, seizures and being physically weak), is confirmed by Word of God to be on the autistic spectrum. And he’s treated with respect and support by his family members and friends. His father shows up to meetings or events he wants to go to, just so he can feel comfortable going to them to show interest in things men typically aren’t supposed to. His brother protects him fiercely in combat but also does his best to give him space to grow, and understands that his brother is incredibly intelligent but sometimes just needs a little time to organize his thoughts or figure out how to communicate. Kaladin understands his physical disabilities immediately and is able to give advice on how to deal with them. The entirety of Bridge Four adopts him as another brother. Jasnah finds another way. I could go on, but basically, Renarin is great

Kaladin has clinical depression, and possibly some form of PTSD, even if they don’t have the technical words for this in-universe. He really struggles with this a lot in the series. Despite that, other characters look out for him a lot, and this creates some genuinely tender moments. 

Shallan rapidly developing some identity disorders. Actually breaks down and admits this to another character. The other character is fiercely supportive of her despite that and doesn’t give up on her so easily

Lopen doesn’t have an arm, but despite being physically disabled, Kaladin still immediately values him and he finds a place on the team. He’s also just...legitimately chill about being an amputee, makes missing arm jokes all the time, and doesn’t seem terribly bothered by it. I believe Sanderson even stated that there’s no real tragic story behind the missing arm...it’s just Lopen. That’s it. 

Teft struggles with substance abuse and insecurity, but the entirety of Bridge Four is super supportive in helping him break it

There’s a character who ends up paralyzed from the waist down over the course of the series. She thinks she’s done for and her life is over, but her mentor keeps encouraging her to try things anyway. 

Honestly, this series is enormous—there’s probably a ton more I’m not even remembering off-hand.

All of this is usually handled pretty tactfully and often brings in some really heartwarming character interactions when characters struggle with issues and other characters help them overcome them. Do you like hurt/comfort and whump in fanfiction? Sanderson does this in actual fiction. It’s great.

WRITING METHODOLOGY

He actually takes the time to write good stories

Sometimes a long-awaited book in a series coughDeathlyHallowscough comes out and you just know it was rushed. You can see it in the way the plot threads are resolved, in the way some threads are just never resolved and end up hanging there open-ended, in the way the epilogues are short and empty.

Sanderson doesn’t do this. He’s pretty transparent about it on his Twitter, where he’ll post updates on his writing progress percentages. Sometimes he apologizes for a delay on a book, because he wants to make sure it’s done right or he works out a plot point just so, or he needs to go back and re-read some old material to make sure there’s no hanging plot points. 

This is good. This is great. This means he genuinely cares about his work, and he wants to produce good content. I will happily wait an extra couple months if it means the book that’s going to sit on my shelf for years to come has a satisfactory start, middle and end.

He’s always ready to give advice to up-and-coming writers, and he’s great about fandoms

Sanderson has a whole segment on his blog devoted to answering questions about writing. He also has a whole series of lectures available for free online. I’ve even heard him in podcasts and blogs in other things. He’s not shy about giving advice and encouraging up and coming writers, and he’s always so encouraging about it too. He’s also totally cool with fanfiction, unlike some big name authors out there who get very elitist about fandoms and the comparative “worthlessness” of fanfiction. 

Some of his novels are available for free, right now, on his website

A bunch of his novels and novellas are available totally for free on his website, which means additional accessibility for people who don’t have the cash for books, ebooks, or audio books, and don’t have time to get to a library. 

Many of them are also available as audiobooks, which means you can probably snag them through your local library’s audio book checkout system as well. 

In conclusion

Brandon Sanderson rocks, his stories rock, and everyone who likes fantasy should really give them a shot, for all of the above reasons.