#i WILL make a proper post about my own version of events later on i promise!!

[lenzimanotmoved]

I'M SCREAMING CRYING ETC AT THE POSSIBILITY OK

[yridenergyridenergy]

The wholesome-ish friendship between Shinya and Kyo

Their latest playful Q&A in Haiiro no Ginka vol. 100 has prompted me to compile examples of this weird but overall wholesome relationship that Kyo and Shinya have and which is not obvious at first.

Situation #1

In October 2017, Kyo gifted Shinya with a custom white version of a MadaraNingen one-piece. As far as I remember, that article of clothing was not available for purchase in white at all, to the public. And of course, we all know that Shinya prefers to wear white.

Situation #2

I think that in response to Shinya sharing a video of him briefly playing with the minicars that were sold as tour goods in This Way to Self-Destruction, Kyo posted a story on Instagram of him revving up a bunch of mini-cars and persistently making them hit his phone propped up on a counter and displaying a picture of Shinya. At age 43. To which Shinya made an Instagram post vaguely hinting that: "Good children should not play with the mini-cars to hit someone's picture!"

Kyo's Instagram Story "The proper way to use mini-cars" video

Shinya's translated response

Situation #3

In late 2022-early 2023, Shinya publicly celebrated his bandmates' birthdays via emojis on Twitter, and Kyo was the only one to respond, in kind.

Situation #4

Kyo posted a cryptic picture of Shinya's video meeting with Mana in an Instagram Story and he has mentioned on Twitter at least once that he was watching Shinya Channel (the making of the FaFa onigiri).

In the same vein, Shinya took his failed attempt at needle-felting a pink bunny in March 2022 and turned it into a miniature hammer-wielding bunny in October 2022, in response to sukekiyo unveiling their Mosaic Shoujo PV which featured Kyo in the killer bunny suit.

Situation #5

This very old video of Kyo teasing Shinya by pinching the side of his dress, Shinya reacting by pushing Kyo a bit and Kyo falling into a robot dance in response.

Situation #6

The coffee maker. In one of the live talks held during the COVID-19 pandemic at concert venues, Shinya mentioned having a coffee maker which was of no use to him, and Kyo expressed interest in taking it from him. Later, in the Galacaa livestream talk between the two, it was revealed that Shinya had promised to give Kyo his coffee maker, but he never pulled through on that offer. Kyo, sporting a doodled face to hide his own, insistently questioned Shinya on this unreliability when the topic was brought up by fans in the comments. Shinya kind of struggled but ended up explaning that the coffee maker was really useless because of a defect, that it would not have been an appropriate gift anymore. But he forgot to update Kyo about it after he tried to contact the manufacturer. Kyo replied like: "Oh, alright then."

At some point, Kyo took the matter to Twitter, confronting Shinya about it with their respective member photos to illustrate the dialogue, and Shinya replied the same way.

Situation #7

In that same livestream, Shinya is so used to Kyo's bullshit by now that he completely ignores Kyo's doodle face sheet and casually leans forward to look past him and at the interviewer, sat on Kyo's right. After a while of this, the interviewer points out to Shinya that Kyo is insistently staring at him with this disturbing face, which is when Shinya becomes startled and nervously laughs upon realizing that, also making Kyo chuckle.

Situation #8

More often than others, Shinya and Kyo are documented chatting on the chairs backstage while they wait for everyone to be ready to start the show. Maybe there's something to be said of how they are the two members of the band to leave the stage the quickest, while Kaoru, Toshiya and Die stay for a while to throw picks.

Situation #9

Miscellaneous pictures of the two:

Situation #10

Apparently it was Shinya's earbuds that Kyo used to play with the cat (also Shinya's?) in this famous old video.

Situation #11

Other interactions on Twitter include commentary regarding the song battles that fans were voting on via that same website, during live broadcasts from their manager Fujieda on Galacaa. Kyo and Shinya were the only two members reacting to the songs that were pulled out of the box, Kyo sometimes replying to Shinya's own tweets wondering what he meant or outright questioning his preference.

Another interaction consisted in Kyo copying Shinya's tweets regarding the release of their Phalaris album and twisting Shinya's cute comments into hellish versions.

Situation #12

Probably a bunch of elusive comments throughout the years, but here's an example of something that Shinya said about Kyo in a magazine interview.

Situation #13

In Haiiro no Ginka vol. 100, the members were asked to send each other member five questions. Some chose to personalize them based on what they actually wanted to ask of the others, while a couple decided to send the same questions to all, but members were not told who the questions came from. Kyo picked up on that anonymous part of the game and when answering Shinya's set of questions, he ended each of his short answers with a second sentence that can either just be the Kansai dialect for: "Aren't you Shinya!", or in other dialects, translates more to: "Shinya, you bastard!" hahah. From what I saw, nobody else hinted at who they thought the questions came from in their answers. In reverse, Kyo took up two of his five alloted questions for Shinya with the simple statement: "You don't know you're dead yet!", a quote from Fist of the North Star which is highly intimidating as it hints that someone has defeated the character so easily and lightning-fast that they are a dead man standing, their body having trouble catching up with the reality that they were slaughtered. Shinya, in response to that repeated tease, stubbornly replies in his polite and formal Japanese that: "No, I'm not dead." Their Q&A with the other members were not nearly that quirky.

Situation #14

At his SERAPH birthday concert in 2023, Shinya said that his three treasures in life are:

DIR EN GREY

SERAPH

sukekiyo

Situation #15

Kyo replying to Shinya's post featuring a very old picture of Kyo (which was however respectfully hidden by Phalarisu-kun) by pulling out the oldest/youngest postcards of Shinya he could find, also commenting to paraphrase Shinya: "Postcards that probably no one has anymore." His own postcard depicting him peeks from underneath.

Shinya replied to that with: "I tried to look for it but couldn't find it 🥺"

Situation #16

On Twitter, Shinya posted a photo with other artists which he explained as: "Yesterday, we had a birthday celebration for everyone born in February and March 🎂 Happy birthday everyone 🎉🎉🎉"

To which Kyo directly replied: "I wasn't invited." (born February 16th)

And Shinya responded with: "The DIR EN GREY guys are a bit mean 🥺"

Kyo never replied to that.

Situation #17

Going to combine two things considering how long ago they were.

Shinya and Kyo were the first members of Dir en grey to meet, and the day right after I posted this compilation happened to be the 28th anniversary of when they first performed together.

There's also an anecdote that, way back then, no one in the band knew how to contact Kyo because none of them had his phone number, but eventually Shinya just casually revealed that he had it all along and said: "Oh I'll just call him"

Situation #18

Shinya and Kyo are the only members who are clearly dog lovers in the band, while Die and Toshiya are part of the cat team. Shinya used to have a dog (chihuahua?) and Kyo now has Pun-cha. Shinya recently wore a sweater with a dog on it.

Situation #19

In a tweet that Kyo has since deleted, he wrote that if there was one grudge he still held, it was that he never appeared on the cover of a Rockin'f magazine. Shinya also wasn't featured, so he added that while he doesn't have a grudge against them, he has declined interviews and comments for a certain magazine after that.

Situation #20

During their European tour 2024, Kyo and Shinya embarked in a playful spat on Twitter, seemingly out of boredom while traveling on the tour bus. It was funny the way it culminated in both of them forcing the other to subscribe to their fan clubs to find out more. On Kyo's side at least, I didn't see anything related to that on kyo-online for real hah.

Situation #21

Shinya took the time to snap a picture of Petit Brabançon playing on the Yunika Vision screens while he was out solving a game, then posting that on Twitter and promoting Petit Brabancon. " I heard Kyo sing while solving a mystery in Shinjuku"

He also made numerous mentions of the Petit Brabancon posters around Gorilla Hall in his video touring that venue:

... Did I miss any? And there will undoubtedly be more to come!

Thank you very much to shinyaburashka, mementoboni, lamenty45 and degtau for your help!

[tearwolfe]

Okay, that's good to know. I might have other questions later as I think about things more/these Au's progress, but these are the ones I can think of atm. And please don't feel obligated to answer any of these, I just thought I'd ask.

(Also, I realized that all of these questions are somehow related to Leo/need? That was entirely unintentional, lol, my bad)

Cyberidol au- Does Saki and/or Leo/need exist in this AU? Do they play a part in the plot at all?

Maybe Saki doesn't show up physically in the current story events, but perhaps she's the one who inspired IdolKasa's initial, now-forgotten dream (like in canon), somebody he had pushed away for the sake of (or even due to) his desire for fame, and whose previous importance/presence in his life and her current distance from him will come to haunt him, now that everything he's worked so hard for (and his entire world view, hopefully) is starting to crumble.

Or maybe her role is more like Emu's- she loves her brother so much, and she's trying to push him down the right path and make him remember, but he just isn't not hearing her, no matter how hard she tries. Or maybe she's also stuck in a similar position in the entertainment industry along with the rest of Leo/need, or maybe they're in similar roles to Ruinene. So many possibilities.

(Wherever she is, I hope the Tenma's get to have a heartfelt reunion once Tsukasa gets his shit together.)

Seal Rui au- How exactly did the human/sea creature hybrids come to exist? It's been stated that Rui and the other sea people were kinda just born like that, and the humans are... Well, humans, but where did people like Honami come from? Were they also just born like that by chance, or are they the hybrid offspring of humans and sea people, or is it some secret third thing I haven't thought of? Is there an explanation at all?

Starshine au- You said in an earlier post that Saki, Toya, Haruka, and Kanade would also be little alien things along with Tsukasa (and you also said that this AU is RuiKasa centric, so I get it if you haven't thought about this at all), but what are the rest of Leo/Need up to? Do they still exist as a group just without Saki? Are Ichika, Honami, and Shiho not in a band/not friends at all in this AU? Do they act as hosts that Saki feeds off of like Tsukasa does to Rui? Are they also squishy little alien thingies?

Are all the other units essentially going through their own version of "what if this very important group member never actually existed as a human?" in the background while we focus on RuiKasa/WxS?

I highly doubt any of these things will ever come up in these stories proper, but I'm very curious about these things, lol. Thank you for responding <3

(Also, not a question, but if I had a nickel for every time Tsukasa in one of your au's was hiding from Saki that he was dating a nonhuman (seal Rui and vampire Rui), only for Saki to also be dating a nonhuman without him knowing, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's funny that it happened twice, lol.)

leo/need's role is similar to rui and nene's. i think it'd be fun if one (or more) of them were ex-idols (or formerly in the industry, if not an actual idol), but currently they're not. saki is estranged from tsukasa. i don't have much thought out for what's going on between them?? they do still care about each other, but tsukasa's head is so far up his own ass that saki has stepped back from trying to deal with him. it's very complicated between the two.. they'll still message or meet for birthdays/important events but it's Very Tense. and they're both secretly upset about it.

honami is the result of a human/sea creature hybrid! thus, she has legs.

the rest of leo/need exists in starshine, but they're not a band. they're former childhood friends.. funny enough, like in canon, saki does bring them together. she feeds off of all of them, just clinging to whichever one is currently feeling the worst. she doesn't really have to do much to manipulate any of them since she has three whole hosts. she's doing it better than tsukasa... but yes, pretty much! minori is haruka's host, akito is toya' host, mafuyu is kanade's host (though kanade doesn't really have to do much), and i'm thinking about also making an a little alien creature thang, with kohane as her host. because i think the vivids could still form without akitoya, and i cannot let that happen.

some things about AUs i have in my mind but never really talk about (since it's often not that relevant) so i'm always here to answer any questions <3

[diamondfroot9]

Words cannot possibly describe how beyond angry and upset I initially was when finding out that there was no storymode playlist this year in just dance. That’s the thing I was most excited for out of everything in jd2025. It’s one of the things I’ve been talking about endlessly for over a year. I have two full notebooks of theories and predictions I’ve been writing for almost a year. I wanted a real conclusion to the story, where the just dancers are freed and Jack gets the happy ending he rightfully deserves.

Jack as a character is extremely important to me, for very personal reasons. I’ve always had characters from all kinds of media that are important to me for different reasons. But he is legit one of my first real comfort characters. I’ve never wanted to hug a character more.

I always describe him as “my child” simply because I love his character and his story. Just the thought of him being stuck by himself without his friends is enough to bring me to tears. I just want him to be okay and be happy with the ones he cares about and loves.

So that’s why I drew the image up here of a cute lil danceverse version of myself giving Jack a fist bump because I can relate to him. Not entirely, but I’m telling him I do understand. The background is all blue because he’s surrounded by sadness right now but I’m still telling him things will be okay.

Even though I’m not actually there with him in the danceverse, I am with him. I did originally want to do a drawing of me giving him a hug from behind but I wasn’t sure how to do it.

I have no doubt that this story will continue, we just don’t know when. Not knowing when is still upsetting me but not as much as before.

I felt like “in your eyes” was put there as a reminder that they haven’t forgotten about this storyline. It could either be its own mid season event later on, or in jd2026. Which I am hoping is not the case. Waiting another full year for this conclusion will literally make me wanna scream. But I don’t doubt that Ubisoft cares about these characters, this story and connecting with the fans through it. They can’t just dump it aside cause of how much fans like me do love it, how much work they put into it, the just dancers being a big part of the marketing for the past 2 games, and as @specialcolorfulshabon would say, jerky has been pumping the guns for a while…

I’m sure there’s other reasons to ramble endlessly about how I wanna scream in peoples faces that there is a lot of proof that this story will indeed have a proper ending, but this post is long enough.

Thanks for listening to my TEDtalk. Jk lol

[biolizardboils]

Sorry to do this so suddenly, but I'm putting all my blogs on hold until further notice. I might log in to like or private-reblog some posts for reference, but that'll be it.

The short reason is that I wanna work on myself. Mostly personally, but with a side of visual art skills.

The long version is under the cut. Content Warnings: current geopolitical events, mental health.

So I'm writing this part for two reasons: so I can send it to friends and others when they ask what I'm doing; and to remind myself why I'm doing it, in case I'm compelled to come back too early. This is gonna be a ramble; I'm writing this after midnight, cus I'll forget or lose the nerve in the morning.

You likely already know what this is about from the emoji tag. You'll also notice that I won't mention any proper names in this post. That's one of the issues I'm stepping away to work on.

I've been quiet about it ever since it started, for a few reasons. Unfamiliarity with the history behind it, fear of spreading misinfo or propaganda, doomscrolling tendencies. For months, I've done the daily click and left it at that.

(Speaking of, last month I found out that the site doesn't track cookies or whatever its called? TL;DR: you can click as many times as devices you have. That's 3 for me.)

But anyway, this week it stopped feeling like enough. From this post's date and what I usually post about, you can probably guess what broke the camel's back.

And... I feel guilty that this is what broke it. And I feel guilty that I feel guilty. It's not my struggle; I'm a bystander. But I chose to be, and I can't tell how much of it was for my own mental health, and how much was denial, selfishness, misplaced optimism.

I want to believe people aren't so cartoonishly cruel. I want to believe people do their research before acting on or speaking about these things. I want to believe people can treat these things with the delicate nuance they deserve. I want to believe that one side destroying innocents on the other is inexcusable, no matter the historical context, and that the rest of the world's powers will act to stop it.

I'm scared of how much I still want to believe it, despite reality. I'm scared of how long it took me to feel the appropriate horror. I've had intrusive thoughts and pits in my stomach all week, and it's compounded by the guilt that I'm only having them now.

I still want to believe some things were misguided, or made before the situation, or will be fixed later. And I can't tell anymore what's a coping mechanism, and what's just a selfish hope that it'll all be fine.

So... I'm gonna get better coping mechanisms.

I'm looking for therapists. Not just for this, but some other things that happened to stack up this week. It doesn't take much to throw off my daily functioning, and I've been holding off addressing that. Again, it's horrible that it took something like this to make me realize that.

To fill up the spare time, I'm gonna put more work into my art skills. I can finally afford better tools, so it's time I practice more professional techniques.

So, yeah. I'm leaving because I feel I can't address things like an adult, and I hope to learn how before I come back.

Thanks for reading, and goodbye for now.

[paladin-of-nerd-fandom65]

How exactly was Jon Kent’s introduction handled? Did Clark essentially just bring him out like “hey guys, here’s my 10 year old son I haven’t told you about” ?

If you mean canonically in the comics….like with many, MANY things. It’s complicated but I’ll give it my best

See in 2015, during the height of the New 52 era, was the event comic Convergence. In this one, Brainiac, who basically is revealed as techno organic eldritch abomination in a dimension known as the Vanishing Point, has kept various versions of Gotham and Metropolis from all through the DC multiverse’s histories in bottles right before the Flashpoint reboot altered everything.

One of these cities was the Pre-Flashpoint/Post-Crisis Metropolis containing their Clark and a pregnant Lois Lane. In their tie in issue, after an encounter with the flashpoint Superman and Batman aka Thomas Wayne, Lois successfully gives birth to Jon.

At the end of the event itself, Pre Flashpoint Clark, Pre Flashpoint Barry Allen, Parallax!Hal Jordan and Pre Crisis Kara meet up with the main leads of the event (The survivors of Post Flashpoint Earth 2) to encounter Brainiac who as gratitude for rescuing him from the villains of said event, decides to return every city back to their proper place. However, the Original Crisis was a point even he found too strong to overwrite so those four heroes plus Lois and baby Jon are sent across time and space to take down the Anti Monitor prematurely and shortly afterwards, incorporated into the New 52 DCU

In particular, for Lois, Clark and Jon, they landed on the day the New 52 Justice League, with their own Superman in tow, was first formed. They got themselves temporary new identities as the Whites and for the in universe ten years lived a low profile yet relatively quiet life

It wasn’t until Jon was about 9 1/2 after a run in with Intergang that not only did he discover his own superpowers but also that indeed Clark was a second yet strangely older Superman. These were two things that surprisingly neither Lois and Clark were anticipating to kick in so quickly

A few months later, the New 52 Superman seemingly perished during a final battle against a rouge government experiment in trying to replicate his powers though not before him and the rest of the Trinity meet with Pre Flashpoint Clark and Lois. It’s after this and Lex Luthor making a claim as the next Superman that Clark decides to switch out his secret black and silver suit, shave his beard and don the red and blue once more. After a team to between the two to take down a resurgent Doomsday, Clark gets to work earning the people of New 52 Earth trust as a new Superman

Things come a head though when Jon starts developing heat vision as the Kents move to a small town community not too far from Metropolis called Hamilton County. It’s here Clark makes a choice to train Jon with those powers, by first a small mission to rescue a trapped submarine being attacked by a mind controlled giant squid monster. As Clark finds the device used to control said monster, he has Jon fire his red eye beams to destroy it but Jon is very reluctant to do so, afraid to hurt his Dad. But Clark is reassuring all the way through and Jon fires, first a big Kamehameha style beam before a Clark is able to instruct him to shrink it down to a small laser which surely does the trick

It’s here where Jon reveals he had purchased his trademark S logo sweatshirt.

After this and a massive battle between the two and a resurgent Eradicator which not only had them cause damage to Batman’s Moon Cave but also was shown to most of the world the presence of a younger Kryptonian, finally Clark decides to properly introduce Jon S. Kent to his Justice League allies as a brand new Superboy

For a final note, the Kents then have a run in with long time reality warping antagonist Mr Mxyzptlk which sees a brief return of the New 52 versions of Lois and Clark, revealing that indeed, the entity responsible for the New 52 in the first place actually had split Lois and Clark’s souls of sorts into two halves, the Pre Flashpoint side having the experience and love for each other yet not their history on the mainline DCU as their Post Flashpoint versions of themselves. Thanks to Jon’s presence, the two halves of the Kents merged with each other, becoming whole once more and now they no longer have to take on new identities as the Whites, they are the Kents. Plain and simple

[pinkprimrose05]

Can you do the whole favorite thing about them, least favorite thing about them, favorite line, brOTP, OTP, nOTP, etc. for Yuya?

Warning: Long post, contains slight spoilers.

I am so very sorry for long this stayed in the box- but thanks a lot for the ask!

Favorite thing about them: Why must you make me choose. I can't. I can't do that. There's genuinely too many things to choose from.

...fine, I can do honorable mentions. One thing that piqued my interest in the tomato son all those years ago was how layered his persona can be... if you squint. Or if you're like me and relate to him on a spiritual level. You see, at the surface of his character, Yuuya's your average protag boy: fun-loving, good-natured and full of innocent hopes and dreams-

Except, that's not all there is to it. Not even at the very start of the story. We see from the get-go how he struggles with the weight of past events and his own doubts and insecurities -which only gets more and more prominent as the show goes on- all while holding onto his smiles in defiance against adversity, and trying to help others do the same as well. Personally, I still think that this is a deceptively simple yet very powerful message.

Least favorite thing about them: Ah, that's a question I can't quite answer. You see, there isn't anything specific I dislike about him, as much as there's stuff I dislike that happen to him- as in, to his character. Like the last stretch of the Xyz and Fusion arcs. Those parts did irreversible damage Yuuya's portrayal- so much so that even I, known for being more forgiving of the story's flaws than most, was shaking my head in denial through the first, second, and third watch. Lord help me when I reach them in the fourth.

Favorite line: Quoting myself from the Yuugo version of this post: would it be cheating the question if I said there's too many to count? Because it's still true. I know for a fact that I'll mention a line here and then find another one I prefer not a day later- that's how it is with the faves, I suppose. For the sake of not leaving this empty, though, here's one quote that stuck with me longer than most:

"The dueling I've had up until now isn't something I made alone. Because everyone was there, I was able to make it this far!"

brOTP: Yuugo!

...Saw that coming? Yes? No? Look, Yuuya's the protagonist so he naturally has a lot of interesting friendships, some established, some made over the course of the show... and a few entirely hypothetical, like this one. What can I say? I just think they'd go great together. Picture this: two idiots with half a braincell between them, who meet each other proper and instantly click. And get on like a house on fire from there. Seriously, they're so different yet similar in so many ways, and I think that'd lend itself to a great mutual underdtanding between the two- almost as if they have some kind of telepathetic link (hmmm). Putting them in one room for extended periods of time will either result in the most fun sort of chaos or in talks so deep they both end up bawling their eyes out in each other's arms.

They're friends. Besties. Brothers even.

OTP: Look, I'm a bonafide vanilla when it comes to romantic ships. Fruitshipping is my first and main OTP in all media of interest, and the threatre kiddos get a badge of honor for being one of a scant few pairs that got me extremely close to crying on more than 1 occasion. That's more than can be said for... *checks notes* ...99.8% of the characters I know!

nOTP: Hmm... there's none that come to mind, honestly. I don't mind seeing Yuuya paired with anyone, as long as the ship is not inherently inappropriate and/or isn't portrayed in any weird ways.

Random headcanon: Thanks to certain happenings towards the end of the plot, Yuuya ends up developing the unconscious habit of hoarding things precious to him. He'll go to sleep curled up in the middle of a nest of blankets and pillows, surrounded by all his favorite plushies, random trinkets and gifts from friends, and of course, his pendulum and card partners (thank god in-universe cards are stupidly sturdy). The first time Youko chances upon him in this state, deep in the peaceful bliss of slumber, she stealthily snaps a photo and- huh? No, you didn't hear a thing. "Cuteness overload can be heard from over a mile away?" Pfft, nonsense.

Unpopular opinion: No idea how unpopular this may be, but... I don't get the claims that Yuuya's not a good duelist?

Several people point out that he relies on Action cards to stall out a duel until he can turn it around, and conclude that as such, he's less skillful than most of his opponents. That take confuses me more than anything; after all, isn't it in the nature of the Action duel rule that one must make use of the card scattered around them? They're not just there for show, nor are they solely used for their effects. And besides, it's clear that Yuuya's particular brand of entertainment dueling places heavy emphasis on the dynamic aspect, which is why he's always running around the field and trying to make a spectacle out of every move. That doesn't diminish his skill in any way I can see- he's just more inclined to using resources outside those in his deck, thanks in part to needing more combo pieces than survivability cards by virtue of using Pendulums.

Song I associate with them: Assuming any song qualifies, I'd say it's Future Fighter; because it's literally Yuuya's (and Reiji's) very own personal song. It highlights core aspects of their personalities through the lyrics- and what do you know, our boy has a very nice singing voice too! It was one among many highlights from the back half of ARC-V S1 to me.

Favorite picture of them: Look, I just want to see him happy. I think he deserves to display genuine joy more often. And the more sparkles the episode budget allows, the better! So with that in mind, here's a few of my favorite pics of the boyo.

....oh, you thought I could pick only one?

Bonus:

[quibbs126]

Heck I don’t actually remember if Pure Vanilla/Dark Cacao was a request or if it was something I just planned to do on my own. I know it started out as my own idea, but sometimes that happens and then before I get to doing it, someone requests it and I just make it a request, and I don’t remember if that happened here

But regardless, this was a drawing I made of the idea for a purecacao fankid on it’s own, and I’m posting it as such

Now you’ll notice that this isn’t my usual format. This is because this isn’t her official design, it’s just that last night, I had this idea for a design of her as a young child with Dark Cacaoian clothing, and so I just wanted to make a quick doodle to show you

It was just going to be that picture in the middle, as it’s more sketchy and rough, and clearly not how I usually do these fankid requests. However when I finished, I realized that I made her too small. See, if I may explain some things, for my poorly drawn comics and other things that use that particular brush (it’s the Narinder Pencil if you want to know), and I don’t like enlarging pictures drawn with it because the lines get all blurry and it loses its texture. Prior to the Charcoal Cheese comic, for my poorly drawn comics I tended to enlarge the sketch to fit the screen, and then I’d completely redraw the lines. But here, I had already colored the whole thing, plus it was multiple layers to redraw, so I didn’t want to. But I couldn’t just crop down the canvas to fit it because my square canvases are already 500x500 pixels, they’re very small (and also I think the small size might account for why they may not show up in the best quality, but I’ve been using this size for over 2 years and I’m set with it, and I feel like changing would be too much effort). And I feel like making it even smaller would just tank the quality even more

Though to be honest, I’m glad I made a second version with my proper sketching process, as I was better able to figure out her colors and design

Speaking of her design, yeah this is sort of what I’m thinking for her look, at least in terms of hair, dough and eye color. She’s not gonna keep the braid though, that’s just a kid thing

I feel like maybe I should give her streaks, but I’m not sure where to put them or what color

Also I realize that I forgot to put KitKats on her design. I wasn’t planning to originally since this is a little kid’s outfit, but also in some of the artbook drawings, young Dark Choco had small Oreo shoulderpads, so maybe she should have something similar. I had an idea for her wearing tiny KitKat shoulderpads, but I forgot them. Ah well

Hmm, does she look like a purecacao kid? I’m looking at her and I feel like she looks more like her own character than related to them. Maybe it’s the lack of streaks

Oh yeah, and one more thing I want to add, I’ve decided she’s a post-canon kid, as in Pure Vanilla and Dark Cacao got together after the events of the Dark Flour War and canon in general. The story in my head goes that Dark Cacao developed feelings for Pure Vanilla, but was hesitant to tell him about it, maybe because he’s socially awkward and wasn’t sure how to, maybe because Pure Vanilla and White Lily had something going on and he didn’t want to stir up drama between them. But regardless, Dark Cacao felt that it wasn’t so much of a big deal since they were immortal, he could tell him when he felt it was right. But then the Dark Flour War happened and Pure Vanilla seemingly died, with Dark Cacao never telling him how he felt. But then years later, Pure Vanilla came back, and while Dark Cacao was of course overjoyed, it also caused him to realize that even being immortal, they don’t have all the time in the world, and he needed to tell Pure Vanilla how he felt, and so during the events of Odyssey, he confessed to Pure Vanilla, and then likely sometime after Dark Enchantress’s defeat, they got together, and later had this girl

Also this means she has a (probably) 30+ year older brother in Dark Choco, but it’s all good

I feel bad just keeping her unnamed, but I don’t know what to call her. *sigh*

Any suggestions?

But yeah, I just wanted to show y’all this idea. Don’t know when I’ll be finishing her, but I’ll draw her officially at some point

[candyfloss-esophagus]

CRYING WOLF FOR ASK GAME!!!! GIMME ALL THE INFORMATION!!!!

Okay I'm just gonna spam you with asks here so feel free to ignore them if it's too much <3

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 (don't think I've forgotten about the post you made mentioning an alternate ending! 👀👀👀) 10, 11, 13, 14 and 15

Hope this isn't too much! (like I said feel free to ignore these if that's the case!)

I remember you mentioned something about making a lore post about stuff that didn't get put in the fic and maybe you could combine them? If you still feel like making it that is <3 (seriously I still love that fic so much!!!!)

Alright buckle up boys this is gonna get LONG. @voidpants since you sent me an ask with a couple of these in, I'll combine them here <3

This probably goes without saying but there are extreme spoilers for crying wolf below the cut

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? My recent obsession with vivisection, dissection and cannibalism <33 I know I'm very good at falling into stereotypes and I'm your local transmasc butch unhealthily obsessed with cannibalism <33333

The noirpunk server did, in all honesty. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

2: What scene did you first put down? The very first scene! I write generally chronologically, unless there's something I'm raring to get down!

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? He pulls back, unable to staunch the hysterical giggles building in his chest, and they tumble free like the intestines of a mutilated fox at the side of a road -- all bloody ropes thick with mucus.

I just like this comparison lol. A close second would be the line about Peter's organs being better to eat than the pigeon.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? “Oh, I know you’re on the square, doll. I don’t think you’ve ever lied to me.” 

I really love this line because I love blatant foreshadowing. But also because in the previous line, Hobie really wasn't lying (as is shown later on).

5: What part was hardest to write? The scene directly before the first cannibalism scene. I'm never too sure how to draw it out and build the tension in the proper way and I'm not entirely too sure I managed it.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? It's absolutely dripping with paranoia, a lot of what is drawn from my own paranoia (where are my insane babes at ik we're around here somewhere). And also it's one of my most violent fics. Didn't tend to write it before now but I'm really enjoying messing around with it now!

7: Where did the title come from? I was brainstorming with myself after I told the people in the discord that I would try to write something approximating what we'd cooked up together and it took a while (probably about half an hour) before I hit on the story of the boy who cried wolf.

In this context, the boy crying wolf is Peter, whose spider senses are so fucked up that he tends to ignore them when he implicitly trusts people -- which means that when that person isn't in their right state of mind, he dismisses any notion that there might be something wrong.

Simultaneously, the crying wolf is Hobie, who is by far the more dangerous one of them, having been possessed by an actual murderous cannibalistic alien, but who is in much more denial about it. (Literally in the scene where he kills and eats Peter, he refuses to accept what's happened, whereas Peter just told him that it was going to be okay. Both of them are Fucked Up okay.)

Anyway this was a long-winded way of saying that it came from a children's story lol

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it? Yeah!!! In the early days of the noirpunk discord server, we were chucking around the vague idea of symbiote Hobie, throwing out a few vignette scenes and pieces of dialogue, and it was so compelling to me that I said I'd take a crack at it, so here we are! Thanks guys!

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? AHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHA

Yes. I have an alternate ending kicking around in my head at the moment that I'll probably start with once I'm finished with whumptober and another couple of things I've promised people I'll do </3 the adhd is real you guys

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? UM?? BECAUSE NOIRPUNK????????

Because this idea was thought up in the noirpunk server with noirpunk in mind and it would have been a disservice to write this pairing as anything other than noirpunk. And also I wanted to give Peter more cannibalism trauma. And at the moment noirpunk is the only thing keeping me sane (which I mean in a very real and worrying way. We ball.)

11: What do you like best about this fic? I got to write cannibalism under the guise of love :>

Also very proud that I came up with the acronym for the D.O.R.M.A.N.T symbiotes

12: What do you like least about this fic? Um. Am I allowed to say my writing. If not, then I know there are plotholes and pieces of lore about the worlds and the symbiotes that don't make sense. Consider: I wanted to write cannibalism.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? I listened to a lot of Tunng, Troy Kingi and Arab Strap!!

Mostly from Tunng I was listening to a lot of their album Dead Club and out of those were my favourites of Eating the Dead, Man and also Woman (the last two of which are spoken word poems but I choose to treat them as music because they are <333)

Troy Kingi specifically Sleep (Slumber), First Take Strut, and No Reason to 2nd Guess M.G.

Arab Strap specifically The Turning of our Bones, Here Comes Comus! and The Fable of the Urban Fox.

Sleep (Slumber) was looped specifically for scenes where I needed them to be soft with each other. The Turning of our Bones was looped specifically for the cannibalism. Please watch the music video (don't if you're sensitive to gore) because it's actually one of my favourite things in the world.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? HUNGER AS A METAPHOR FOR DEVOTION. or there might just be a parasite eating your brain lol

Just kidding. Hm. Sometimes we go through something in our lives that's horrific. And we're trying to process it and not getting anywhere because it's so huge that our brains can't wrap themselves around it. Most of the time, we start to convince ourselves that it's us at the core of the problem. Sometimes we are. But to peel back the layers and get to the actual center, there are almost always outside forces that influence us into certain behaviours/choices that we regret later. And that's part of being human!

I'm not saying that you have a parasite in your brain that's making you eat your romantically inclined partner. I'm saying that the love shown in crying wolf is a relatively equal balance of give and take. They try to be as their worlds have shown them that love is, they're unlearning some of the more detrimental things, they're learning and growing together. They take steps back from each other when they need to and try to navigate their situations as well as they can. Idk.

Forgiveness is probably one of the main themes here. Please be gentle with yourself. It's so so important that you are.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? That I really enjoy writing cannibalism. And that I need to watch a hell of a lot of 30s nyc films and 70s london films because I STILL don't have their turns of phrases down and it's annoying me.

And to take the leap (haha itsv references). This fic was very overwhelming for me at first because I don't tend to write very fast-paced or violent stuff. But I really enjoy reading it and so I really wanted to write it! Even if it isn't that great, I had a blast writing it!

Thank you for sending this ask in!! It's been really good to look past the writing into the inner mechanics of what makes it tick! (And I promise that I'll have that lore post up sometime!! I have not forsaken you!)

Edit: just realised you skipped 12 in your request but in my defence I'm not wearing my glasses and sort of assumed you asked about everything whoops

[kachuusha]

implied mutual feelings of love between levi and hanji—an analysis based on chapters 126 and 132.

note: this is a more in-depth version of what I have posted earlier.

This post is an attempt to make sense out of Levi’s nuanced dialogue in chapter 132. But before proceeding please read this tweet first to understand the context of this post: link to original tweet 

Please also read this analysis done by shunkani, explaining the nuance present in the original Japanese text. 

it is important that you read the posts I’ve linked above because what I am about to say here is not gonna make sense if you don’t.

Like always, note that what I am about to say is only my own interpretation of the events and should not be taken as absolute canon confirmation.

In chapter 132, Levi has a line that lost its nuance in the English translation. As explained in the linked posts above, Levi comments on Hanji’s unrequited love for titans but there is an implication that a mutual love shared with someone else.

What if that someone is Levi? When you think about it, it is not farfetched to assume that it was him considering how close he is to Hanji.

Other than that, there is an incident in the chapters prior to 132 that presents a strong case on why Levi could be referring to himself. Yes that's right—Hanji asking Levi to live with him.

Now I've seen people try to dismiss what Hanji said to Levi in the forest and insist that there is nothing possibly romantic with it and that Hanji was simply expressing their want to run away because they are tired so here is my take on it:

After tending to Levi's wounds, Hanji says,

"Maybe we should just live here together. Right Levi?"

If Isayama only intends to have Hanji express their exhaustion and desire to run away from everything, why didn't he just make Hanji say something like 《"I want to run away Levi. I am tired."》 ?

Why did it have to be Hanji expressing their want to live together with Levi? It was like Isayama tried to hit two birds with one stone. He had Hanji say their desire to run away and also to be with Levi.

Another factor in this is Hanji blushing after realizing that Levi heard what they said. Again, some fans have tried to refute this by saying that Hanji blushes all the time.

Yes Hanji blushes a lot but also consider the context of the scene. For second let us pretend tha these two characters are not Levi and Hanji—let's pretend that they are Character A and B.

Character A is with Character B, and the former thinks the the latter is asleep. Character A then takes this as a chance to voice out their feelings for Character B.

A few moments later, Character B brings up what Character A said. Character A realizes Character B heard their confession and so they blush.

I mean look at it, you could easily pretend that what happened in the forest was something that came out straight from a romance novel or a shoujo manga.

And come on are we going to pretend that the run away and live with someone to start anew isn't a common trope in romance?

Another argument I've seen is that maybe Hanji was just embarrassed that Levi heard them expressing their want to abandon their duties. This one is very easy to debunk.

Remember the beginning of Uprising Arc? Hanji shows their hesitation to Levi in continuing the titan experiments with Eren because they are afraid that the MPs might go after the SC just like what they did to Pastor Nick.

In both situations, Hanji was trying to run away and evade something and Levi was present in both situations. But did Hanji blush after showing their want to run here? No they did not.

Then what else could possibly the reason for Hanji's blush other than a hint for romantic feelings?

Next let's talk about Levi's response to Hanji.

Levi subtly implies to Hanji that he heard what they said by asking,

"If we keep...running and hiding...what will that get us...?"

Some say that this was Levi rejecting Hanji but I disgaree. To me what Levi said sounds more like a We can't run away yet if we still have things to do.

Levi also said that because he is aware of Hanji's strong sense of responsibility.

"I know you...you're not able to stay out of the action..."

He knows Hanji would't be satisfied in being a bystander.

Another thing to note here is that Hanji is the one who arrives at the conclusion that they can't.

Levi himself did not really gave a direct answer—and that is expected from someone like Levi who seems to be awkward and inexperienced in romance. It is understandable if he was caught off guard with what Hanji said and thus couldn't give a proper response.

Now getting back to chapter 132.

After seeing Hanji's exchange with Pieck, Levi says:

"...So, four eyes. yet another love for a titan gone unrequited, I see."

So like what had been explained in the posts above, Levi comments on Hanji's unrequited love for titans but implies that there is mutual love shared with someone.

With what happened in 126 in mind, who would be the most reasonable choice for that someone if not Levi? What if this was Levi's response or way of acknowledging Hanji's words back in the forest?

Just think about it. Hanji gives Levi something like a confession and then a few chapters later Levi suddenly implies that Hanji shares a mutual love with someone. The connection between the two events is not really difficult to make.

Like I said earlier, Levi not being able to form a direct answer is expected considering he seems to be the type who would be extremely awkward at love. Maybe he just needed time to sort his feelings first. Another thing to consider is they are both soldiers in duty.

Also can we talk about how Levi suddenly decided to call Hanji "four-eyes" again? It was like Levi is making an effort to go back to those days of normalcy.

An ambiguous and vague confession is also something that is so in character of Levi because of his awkwardness with words. Another is because he doesn't have to be direct with his words because Hanji and him share a deep understanding of one another.

Before anyone tries to brush this line off as nothing, I would like to point out that Isayama changed the kanji used in the dialogue in the volume release. This was pointed out in the tweet by @/kasumi_kasa as shown above.

The point I am trying to make here is that if this line is something we should just simply brush off, then why would Isayama bother making changes to it in the volume release?

The kanji in the original chapter release was 片思い but was changed into 片想い in the volume release. Both are read the same way (kataomoi) but just like what @/kasumi_kasa had explained, the kanji used in the volume release which is 想い, is indicative of a deeper form of love.

Also take note that the latter is an unusual way of writing unrequited love in Japanese.

Taking that into consideration and the implication of a mutual feeling with someone, does that mean Levi and Hanji share a deep form of love?

See the lengths Isayama is going through just for this one line? It really feels like the is trying to push something here.

Now onto Hanji's side. If by any chance we are correct that Levi was indeed confessing his feelings to Hanji, then did the latter caught what Levi was trying to say?

In my observation, it is very likely that Hanji had caught on to it because of their seemingly flustered and hesitant reply towards Levi. The hesistance is present in the pause (the three dots) before Hanji's dialogue.

"...We"ll be friendly in no time."

Another thing I would like to point out is how Hanji suddenly diverted the subject.

This is actually kind of ironic if you think about it. In 126 Hanji was the one who is seemingly confessing and Levi was the one who brought up their duties. Here in 132, it was Levi's turn to confess but Hanji was the one who brought up their duties.

My honest take on here is that it feels like Hanji was on the process of moving on and abadoning whatever feelings they had laid down in the forest so they could focus solely on their cause but then Levi suddenly drops something like this on them.

Hanji would be understandably flustered just like how Levi was in 126. Honestly in the end, both of them are just so awkward at romance.

So this is where I am gonna end this attempt at analyzing what was said in 126 and 132. I hope I was able to convey my thoughts properly. If you have made it this far then thank you.

If ever I am mistaken with my assumptions in here, it still doesn't diminish the beautiful bond that Levi and Hanji share.

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

Tale of the Nine Tailed: Explanation of Lee Rang’s Death and Lee Yeon’s Ending Scene

Well folks...here we are once again. I did say that I would not write another TOTNT post unless there was anything worth discussing in the finale. I know many of you may feel utterly devastated or somewhat confused by how TOTNT ended, but I hope my post will be able to comfort you somehow. Anyways, let’s put on our thinking caps one last time for TOTNT!

Lee Rang’s Death

One of the biggest complaints many have had is the death of Lee Rang. Many said that the writer did him dirty while others wished that Lee Yeon and Ji Ah would’ve died instead. However, when we looked at his character arc’s as a whole, his death was justified. We mustn’t forget that he murdered hundreds possibly thousands in wake of his anger. 

Yes, he did do some good towards the end of his life such as taking in Yuri and Kim Soo, but that shouldn’t discredit all the atrocious acts he had committed in the past. Saving the life of two people doesn’t make up for all of the lives he had taken. Additionally, it is noted that Lee Rang did also assist the Imoogi’s group to bring the Imoogi back to life which caused for a slew of horrible events to occur in the first place. 

In the end, it was Lee Rang’s turn to sacrifice for the one he loved. Everything in TOTNT is cyclic if you think about it. First Ah Eum died to save Lee Yeon then Lee Yeon died to save Ji Ah. Therefore, it was only logical that it was Lee Rang’s turn to die for the one he loved which was Lee Yeon. 

Everything in life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, what matters is what you do despite being dealt a bad fate. Both Lee Yeon and Ah Eum/Ji Ah weren’t dealt with a particularly good fate, but yet they still remained good people. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for Lee Rang. Yes, he was dealt with a bad fate with having been born with a mother who didn’t want him, but he was also lucky because he had been taken in by a brother who greatly cherished him. Instead of appreciating the time he shared with Lee Yeon and remaining a good person even after the events of Lee Yeon leaving for the Samcheon River, Lee Rang still decided to take a turn for the worst. 

Over and over again, Lee Rang had escaped the punishment he so rightly deserved. For example, even after killing those villagers, Lee Yeon spared his life. Lee Rang had been basically living off on borrowed time. In a way, Lee Rang was lucky that during that borrowed time he was able to resolve the misunderstanding he had with Lee Yeon as well as have a small family of his own. Finally, if there’s anything TOTNT has taught us, it’s that if something is the will of the afterlife judges, it will be carried out eventually. One can’t escape their punishment.

In my opinion, things could have gone a lot worse for Lee Rang in the end. Meaning he could have been reborn as a shrimp. Instead, the afterlife judges granted him reincarnation as a boy who had a mother who cared for him and granted him his last wish which was to meet his brother again. He got all of wishes fulfilled. Thus, it was a satisfying ending for Lee Rang. 

Update 12/07/2020: Does Lee Yeon Meeting Reincarnated Lee Rang Indicate Many Years Have Passed?

No, it doesn’t. The team probably wanted to use the same child actor (Joo Won Lee; DOB: 05/03/2011) as to imply that Lee Rang had been successfully reincarnated. Sure, they could’ve used someone who was a few months old, but how then would Lee Yeon recognize Lee Rang ? Remember that Lee Yeon only met Lee Rang when he was around 9 years old. There would be no way for Lee Yeon to recognize what a few months old Lee Rang could’ve looked like. Get it ? Again, Lee Yeon meeting reincarnated Lee Rang happened in 2021!

Why Does Lee Yeon Still Have His Gumiho Powers?           

Initially, when I first watched this I was beyond shocked, left confused, and was rethinking my opinion of Lee Yeon as a good person. However, once I watched it with subs and then did a little research into how Gumihos can become human, the ending scene made sense. Again, everyone should’ve taken Jo Bo Ah’s advice of looking up myths and see to how they pertain to whatever happened in TOTNT.

Anyways, in legends, Gumihos can become human in the following ways:

1)    Refrain from killing and eating humans for 1000 days

2)    The human who found out a Gumiho’s true nature, must tell no one of its secret for 10 years

3)    Over a period of 100 days (other versions say 1000 days or ~3 years), Kumiho must not be detected by the human they are married to.  If the Gumiho fails on this quest, they will lose any chance of becoming human and will be a Gumiho for 1000 years

4)    Gumiho must consume the livers of 1000 humans over 1000 years. If they do not do this by the end of 1000 years, the Gumiho will dissolve in foam/bubbles

In particular, the ending scenes was in reference to #3. When Lee Yeon had came back to life, he was still technically a Gumiho hence why he could enter the Office of the Afterlife. I know you might ask well why didn’t Taluipa or Shin Ju sense he was still a fox? Because at the same time Lee Yeon was human, but only during the day or nights when there wasn’t a full moon (read further below for an explanation). Additionally, Lee Yeon probably didn’t tell Shin Ju because he didn’t want there to be any possibility that information would get leaked to Ji Ah. Better safe than sorry was Lee Yeon’s personal philosophy!  

Although, Lee Yeon did come pretty close to being discovered as a Gumiho when he let it slip that he knew that their child would be a daughter. This all goes back to the intro in Ep 1 where it is said that Gumihos have the “ability to see miles ahead”. Luckily for Lee Yeon, he convincingly tricked Ji Ah and played it off as he was just saying weird things.

Until his 100 days were up, Lee Yeon had to keep his Gumiho nature hidden from the only person who mattered which was Ji Ah. Let’s be honest here, it’s really hard to trick Ji Ah so Lee Yeon had to be super careful around her. Usually in legends, Gumihos fall short of reaching the 100 days because they are discovered by their betrothed. During Lee Yeon’s 3 months transitional phase of becoming human, a situation arose that could’ve have caused Ji Ah to discover that Lee Yeon was still a Gumiho aka Mr Samjae entering into Ji Ah’s life. 

This caused a problem because whatever misfortune befell on Ji Ah it would also inadvertently affect Lee Yeon too. Meaning that if Lee Yeon didn’t get rid of the Samjae, it could cause Ji Ah the misfortune of finding out Lee Yeon still was a Gumiho, thus ruining his plan of ever becoming human. 

The only way anyone could tell Lee Yeon was still a Gumiho was to have seen him during a full moon. This was in reference to how in legends, werewolves (also in the same canine family as a fox) can only undergo transformation into a wolf when there was a full moon (symbolistic of metamorphosis). So while in the transitional state of Gumiho and human, Lee Yeon was able to take advantage of there being a full moon to be able to transform into a Gumiho. Subsequently, Lee Yeon then used his Gumiho abilities to rid of Mr. Samjae Spirit. Thus, Lee Yeon eliminated a potential threat that could have caused Ji Ah to find out his Gumiho nature before the 3 months of remaining undetected was completed.

Flash forward approximately 3-4 years later after Lee Yeon’s face off with the Samjae, Lee Yeon is now seen as having been successful at becoming a full human as well as having daughter with Ji Ah as seen here in the following pictures (family picnic). My only complaint is that the production/editing team ended up deciding to not include the following scene. I do not know whether it was their decision or the writer’s to not include this. There could be numerous reasons why such as they had wanted to leave the possibility of there being a season 2 or there was limited time allotted for the length of ep 16 or the writer had wanted to leave an open ending. Whatever the reason, I do hope we will eventually show this to us. In doing so, they would give so many of us the proper closure we needed for TOTNT!

Side note, it looks like Lee Yeon and Ji Ah did end up introducing their daughter to her adoptive grandparents. Awww!

Updated 12/07/2020: Timeline of Samjae + Lee Yeon’s Transitional Period

There were also a bunch of questions concerning when exactly the whole scenes with Ji Ah and Lee Yeon had occurred. This occurred in 2021.

Samjae is believed to occur over a three-year period, and follows calculations based on the twelve zodiac signs. The first of the three years is known as deulsamjae (Kor. 들삼재, lit. entering the three calamities), the second, nuulsamjae (Kor. 누울삼재, lit. middle of calamities), and the third, nalsamjae (Kor. 날삼재, exiting the three calamities). The first year in this three-year cycle is supposed to be the most unfortunate. 

Source: https://folkency.nfm.go.kr/en/topic/detail/4151

So doing a little math, one will be able to see what years the Samjae entered (deulsamjae), remained (nuulsamjae), and then exited (nalsamjae). So the Samjae entered into Ji Ah’s life in 1994, 2003, 2012, and 2021. The cycle of every 9 years refers to the time period from one Deulsamjae year to the next (not every 9 years from her year of birth). For example, 1994 + 9 = 2003, 2003 + 9 = 2012, and 2012 + 9 = 2021.

What the show was trying to convey is that when Mr. Samjae came into Ji Ah’s life, it also coincided at the same time as Lee Yeon’s 3 months transitional period. Additionally, there were some who asked, “Aren't we to assume that many years have passed because Lee Yeon did say first root canal, first picnic, first snowfall, etc ?”. No, I took that scene as him mentioning things he either already did or will eventually experience.

Anyways, I really didn’t think I needed to point all of this out because I had assumed you all would’ve put on your thinking caps by now!

Last Remarks.

I hope that this post was able to resolve any confusion many of you may have had about the last episode. The writer did truly keep us on our toes until the very end. But with a little research into myths as well as analyzing everything as a whole, one should’ve been able to understand where the writer was coming from. Again, I want to give a big thanks to the cast, crew, and writer for all their hard work to give us TOTNT!

[echo-bleu]

Writing thoughts: NaNo 2022 edition

I don’t do these regularly anymore but this seems like a good time to take stock, with the start of NaNo and all (I know, I know, it’s the 5th already. Shhh.)

As usual, I’m not doing a proper NaNo, I’m just using it to make myself work on my various WIPs. This is a Witcher-only edition, because that’s what I’m writing at the moment (original WIPs have taken the backburner in the face of new hyperfixation).

left you behind just standing there: mid-s2 divergence. Five years post s2, after Geralt is injured, Ciri goes looking for the bard he left behind and finds him traumatized and disabled, raising a little half-elf autistic kid named Maja with a violet-eyed woman on the coast of Redania.

The first part (Ciri finding them) is currently 18k and will be maybe 25k. I want to write a second part of their reunion with Geralt set maybe a few months later, and then maybe a couple of short prequel fics about what happened to get them there.

what you hear is not silence aka mute!Jaskier AU: will be a series of fics mostly following canon, but where Jaskier never got his voice back after the djinn.

Currently 19k total. Instalments in progress (with current wordcount): - Initial part (tentatively titled I’ll sing silence) covering the first few weeks (4k) - Jaskier learning sign language in Oxenfurt (2.6k) - Something from Yennefer’s POV, stretching from the djinn to mid- or late-s2 - Post-Mountain where Jaskier becomes Ciri’s tutor in Cintra (3.6k) - Building the Sandpiper network, which might stretch to the end of the season (reunion with Geralt and Ciri) (6.8k) - Post s2 in Kaer Morhen, focused on forgiveness and healing (1.3k)

Untitled warlord AU: inspired by @inexplicifics‘s wonderful warlord AU, of course. Post s1, Ciri finds Jaskier instead of Geralt. While Geralt becomes a warlord, Jaskier build an underground smuggling network in Oxenfurt and tries to raise Ciri and his own daughter Maja on his own. When the witchers conquer Redania, Geralt asks for a meeting with the infamous Sandpiper, whose real identity has been kept very secret... (feat. mostly blind!Jaskier). This is in planning stages only, I’ve written maybe 2k of an earlier version.

for all the things that drum: post-show time travel AU where Jaskier goes back to save Renfri, and ends up having to stay, while a younger version of him meets Geralt in Posada. He watches over them and tries to ease their path, becomes Ciri’s tutor in Cintra, and falls in love with Yennefer (Geraskefer endgame, I think). It should be a series of fics as well, with some of them set before the jump back. One fic is finished and another in progress.

sing me awake: modern AU with nonbinary Jaskier, Geraskier and Yentriss. Jaskier is an indie musician with fibromyalgia & ADHD and works at a library, Geralt is an autistic social worker. Two fics are posted (a flower by any other name and your smile in mine) and two are in slow progress (one where Jaskier has a bad day and they talk about Geralt’s depression and queer things, and one where Geralt is in trouble). I don’t have any specific plans for this one but I’ll probably come back to it for short prompts.

every promise and lie: modern spy!AU retelling of the show events. This one is finished, I just need to post the third chapter. I might come back to the AU, but probably not.

breathing life (working title): should be a short fic or possibly a mixed comic/fic, where Jaskier becomes Life’s personification. I’m leaning more toward poetic prose here so I’m working hard on every word, but it won’t be long.

remember me I sing  has a sequel in the works. I haven’t touched it in weeks, though, and I don’t like what I have much, so we’ll see.

Untitled 80s AU: an idea for a one-shot I came up with. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it. It has a very bittersweet vibe, set at the heights of AIDS, with Jaskier having a late night radio show and a very lonely grieving Geralt calling in.

I have a couple of other barely started ideas, and one fic I can’t talk about that’s for the Winter Exchange. But that’s the gist of it so far. Why do I do this to myself.

(echo go back to writing instead of writing a post about your writing)

[blushing-titan]

Reasons why I believe the cabin vision was Mikasa’s dream - and not an AU

I briefly touched upon this topic in my previous Mikasa/Anti Eremika-themed interpretation, but in this post I’d like to elaborate further - why do I think that the vision from chapter 138 was Mikasa’s dream, and not an actual AU flashback? As in my previous post, a little warning first: there will be spoilers, as I’ll be using panels from the manga.

1. I want to go back...back to our home

Many fans interpreted this as Mikasa having a flashback to alternate reality, in which she and Eren share a cabin in the mountains - a reality in which they’re both living safely and peacefully. However, it’s important to remember that for Mikasa, the meaning of home is very symbolic - it’s been shown ever since the first chapters of the manga:

After losing her biological parents, she feels like she has nowhere to go - her home was just taken away from her. She’s cold and scared...but then, as dr Jeager invites her to live with his family, Eren wraps his scarf around her and says:

...to which she simply replies: ...okay. Let’s go home. She has just been saved, and despite all the horrible things that happened previously, she has a home again - a home symbolised by the good-hearted boy who wrapped his scarf around her when she was cold. In the following years, this fact becomes a source of her strength and will to fight...

...but, as the time goes by, the boy who saved her changes and seems to be drifting away from her. She feels like she’s losing him, so this time it’s her turn to ask:

My point is that ever since they met, Eren has always symbolised home for Mikasa. He has been her safety, anchor and source of strength - which is why it’s so hard for her to accept that, after all his wrongdoings, he may not be the same person that he was when he wrapped the scarf around her. I believe that’s what she meant by saying: I want to go back to our home - in fact, she even thinks about his old self right before the cabin sequence starts:

Now, onto the second argument...

2. Mikasa idealizes Eren in her mind.

I’ve seen opinions that Mikasa views Eren through rose-colored glasses - and it’s not entirely untrue. When he saved her, she created an idealized image of him in her mind - she perceives him as a good-hearted, caring person who would never willingly go against his friends or hurt any innocent people. No matter what he does, she still tries to see him through this filter. It’s the reason why she often misunderstands him.

(Notice how even Armin is concerned by Mikasa’s answer.)

In another example, Mikasa tries to justify Eren’s actions by saying that he had done it all out of care for his friends.

Knowing all that, it makes perfect sense that the Eren from her dream would be an idealized version, too. He openly acts affectionate with her and is devoid of any fiery or violent character traits of the original Eren. Instead of hurting (or saving) anyone, he runs away with Mikasa to spend his last years peacefully, just with her. 

Many fans caught up that this version of him is quite OOC, as it goes against everything that his character represented up to this point. He has always been a fighter, dedicated to his goal of achieving freedom. Therefore, the decision to run away from problems (...along with his general behaviour in the cabin vision) just seems off to many people...but what about Mikasa’s goals? Quite frankly, they perfectly align with what’s shown in the dream - she just wants to be with Eren and keep him safe from harm...

...and yet, with the way Eren is, it’s simply impossible for her in reality...

...so she creates this scenario in her mind, as a way to comfort herself. In fact, it may have been suggested that she’s been dreaming about living away from danger with Eren ever since her training days - she even proposes that they could go back to the settlement together. Ironically, Eren leaves as she’s speaking, without her even noticing - instead, he wants to get stronger to keep on fighting.

3. Author’s note

A while after ch.138 came out, the information about the particular author’s note appeared on the internet. It said (35) draw Mikasa’s ideal, which (to my understanding) suggested that the vision was based on Mikasa's ideal answer to the question asked by Eren a few chapters earlier.

As we know, her answer was family. Later on, she wonders if she could have changed anything by giving him a different reply. Therefore, I believe the cabin dream was based on what she really wanted to say back then, and how she wanted for the following events to unfold.

I’ve seen many fans theorize that the vision was a flashback of the AU in which she gave him a different answer. I’ve said that in my previous interpretation, but I’ll gladly say it once again - Mikasa’s reply shouldn’t have such a huge impact on the future of the entire world. She should never feel guilty about it, as, at the end of the day, Eren went on with the rumbling and it was his decision. I really dislike how much weight the AU theory puts on Mikasa and her answer, when in fact, if Eren really wanted to give up on his plan, he simply would have done it. He had a lot of occasions to stop, one of which being a collective plea from all of his friends - including Mikasa. 

In fact, if he really wanted to run away with her, he could propose this idea himself - however, the fact that it’s clearly stated that her “correct” answer was required for it to happen makes me strongly believe that the vision was indeed Mikasa’s dream, based on her ideal reply.

4. Plot mechanics

Due to the fact that Mikasa’s See you later, Eren appears in the first manga chapter, many people speculated that it must be because Eren somehow saw a glimpse of an actual AU, dismissing the possibility that he could have seen Mikasa’s mindscape. Personally, I’ve never understood this argument - mostly because we already have a few complicated (...and not fully explored) plot mechanics in SnK that could explain this phenomenon - one of them being paths/founder titan’s power.

Ackermans are supposed to be immune to the founder’s ability to alter memories, however Mikasa is still a subject of Ymir. Therefore, as shown in the manga, she can manifest in the paths, meaning that Eren is able to connect and talk with her telepathically. Thanks to that, I don’t think it’s impossible that he may have seen her dreams/memories through paths, even without altering them - and from there, transfer these memories to his child self. Even more - this could also have been done by the original founder - Ymir Fritz - who’s been observing the entire interaction. At this point, it’s implied that she doesn’t have to be ordered by anyone anymore, so it’s perfectly reasonable to think that she acts out of her own free will.

Taking this into consideration, what’s the point in introducing an entirely new and confusing plot device (ability to experience AUs) when the story is one chapter away from finish? In my opinion, there are enough matters that need proper closure and questions to be answered in these final 45 pages - adding a new plotline only complicates everything more, when it should be the time to close up all the already existing ones.

That’s all from me today! Hope I managed to get my points across - thank you very much for reading! ❤️ All the manga panels used above obviously don’t belong to me - all credits go to the author!

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther with me; or what if dean and cas got together offscreen

Originally, I wrote this post to celebrate “Galaxy Brain” airing as Berens & Glynn gave us “The Future.” It’s been a while since that episode aired, and some things have changed about this meta. As such, there are multiple versions of this post floating around, so make sure to go back to the source for the most up to date version.  For all intents and purposes, this post functions as a meta manifesto not unlike shipping manifestos from days of LJ past. In keeping with that tradition, this post is a close reading of Dabb Era Destiel in which I argue that by using narrative gaps, queer coding, and romance tropes, Dean and Cas are shown to be in an established relationship. Although beyond the scope of this post, it’s worth pointing out that keeping Destiel mostly off screen was a way for the creatives to bypass network censorship while still remaining true to the characters.

This post is divided into three sections. Section I focuses on giving an overview of why earlier seasons of Supernatural aren’t as compelling as season 12 as a turning point for Dean and Cas’s relationship. That said, special consideration is given to 09.06 “Heaven Can’t Wait” as a potential rest stop in our journey due to it’s significantly placed narrative gap as well as themes in the episode. However, this post isn’t going to examine season 9 trutherism in depth, though it does coexist with and allow for it. Section II analyses season 12 and proposes a timeline and justification for the shifting Destiel dynamic. Finally, Section III will offer an analysis of how Dean and Cas’s relationship has changed dramatically from previous seasons in a way that is most like the shift from a “will they or won’t they” pairing to an established one. 

Before I move to Section I, I’d like to note something this post takes for granted: Dean and Cas are the main romantic subplot of Supernatural, and, in fact, their relationship is elevated to main plot for both characters in season 15. This post won’t argue about the canonicity of Dean and Cas’s feelings for each other, therefore, and so won’t spend time looking at many Destiel defining moments. I’d also like to make clear that this post also takes for granted that Destiel is being intentionally developed by the writers starting with Carver’s Era, and more so in Dabb’s. 

I. Why Seasons 4 through 11 May Not be It

The tl;dr. here is that while there are many moments throughout these seasons that Dean and Cas could potentially get together, none of those moments are ideal for a bunch of reasons that can be summed up as really bad timing. I also think the narrative is actively pushing them towards a moment that works. We get plenty of stepping stones, especially once we hit seasons 8 through 11 (and 11 most of all).

Seasons 4 & 5:

I know there’s been a lot of get together fics over the years set in this time period, but I just don’t see it. Do I see them being intrigued and drawn to each other? Yes. Do I think either Cas or Dean would act on it? Nope. I’m not arguing anything re: Dean’s feelings, but with everything going at the time I find it hard to believe he’d pursue anything with his angel friend. Most importantly here, though, is that during this time Cas was still very alien and other. There was too much angel in him, and while he obviously came to care about Dean (and Sam) very much, I just can’t see him navigating the realm of human relationships. That said, seeing human!Cas in “The End” is the first we see of potential developments for how Cas could behave without his angelness interfering. Being human changes Cas a lot, beyond even his experience existing among humans, though that of course matters too. This development will be important later /wink.

Seasons 6 & 7:

Before anything else let me just recognize that if we could see some sexual tension in seasons 4 & 5, these two seasons come with our first taste of romantic tension. The pining! Also note the difference between season 4 Cas and season 6 Cas in terms of behaviour. He is much less the angel we saw in that barn in “Lazarus Rising.” In season 6, we have a Cas making misguided decisions guided entirely by his emotions – namely, not wanting to involve Dean with the war in heaven – which is peak human, honestly. Put a pin on how sad Dean is in both seasons with Cas’s absence. Finally, put a pin on this being our first moment of Cas doing things on his own to spare Dean and it not ending well (soulless!Sam, Cas “dying” after Leviathan) because this is *the* hurdle in their relationship (along with Dean’s lashing out and self-worth issues). With all this said, the marked distance between Dean and Cas in these seasons negates the possibility of them entering into any kind of relationship. Much like seasons 4 and 5, there’s too much going on.

Season 8:

Ah, yes, the summer of purgatory. If you thought we had pining before…! I think we’re all very clear on season 8 being a turning point for the show, not only because new showrunner, but we also get the bunker. TFW now has an HQ, which pretty soon becomes home. Yes, Baby will always be home, but the bunker becomes the *unmovable* safe haven that Baby couldn’t be. The bunker is a place to coalesce, and for all the amazing things Baby is, she is not that. The acquisition of the bunker marks a shift in the psychology of the show: with the stable home space we can start to imagine domesticity, a place to come home to, the stuff of ordinary living. Most of all, the bunker is emblematic of security, of safety –keep this in mind, as we go forward.

This season also continues to see Cas go down the path of independently solving his problems instead of asking for help from Sam and Dean (his family in a way heaven never was) – note that the better together issue is at play in different ways with Sam and Dean also, but I digress. I also want to point out disastrous instance #2 of Cas’s insistence on figuring it out on his own: he loses his grace, and the angels fall. As for Dean, season 8’s focus for him has much to do with Sam, and them coming face to face with their issues with codependency, which hit catastrophic levels with the gates of hell and Gadreel plots.

So despite all the deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much distance between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 plus slaughtering angels plus unleashing Leviathan. We do see Dean being more emotionally open with Cas and continue to voicing his wish that Cas would just stay with him and Sam, and let them help. It’s clear as day how much Dean cares. The timing is still bad, though.

Before moving on to next season, let’s take a moment to appreciate that this is the season Dean admits being kinda done with one night stands because “always with the adios.” Remember the bunker as a sign of stability? Yeah. I wouldn’t say Dean is craving a relationship, exactly, but I think we can see that he does want something more (ahem also I’m nodding to Cas refusing to stay put just cause).

Seasons 9 & 10:

The most important thing to happen between this two seasons is Cas’s stint as a human for an extended period of time. There’s been plenty of spec and meta written over the years about the effects of being human on Cas’s grace (a proto-soul now maybe?). What we can say for sure, regardless, is that Cas is much more humanized once he becomes an angel again. The understanding he gets from being human doesn’t go away once he regains his angel powers. You’ll notice that while we still see some of season 4’s characterization, Cas is not the same as he was – he is alien to angels now and is more intelligible to humans. Additionally, in an interesting reversal from previous seasons, we now get to see the depth of Cas’s feelings for Dean (thanks, Metatron) as well as seeing him be more open emotionally, while Dean does most of the pushing away (first because of Gadreel, then because of the Mark of Cain). In short, the timing is still bad as Dean and Cas are largely kept apart both physically and emotionally.

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait

This episode is my white whale, friends. While I’ve come to fully subscribe to the idea that something did happen between Dean and Cas during the fanfic gap, I don’t actually think it’s feasible that it marked the start of a relationship -- be it sexual or romantic. My reasoning here is quite simple: the timing is bad. Were it not for external events (Cas regaining his Grace and Dean taking on the MoC), the course would have likely differed. Furthermore, Dean’s guilt over making Cas leave the bunker as well as Cas’s own hurt and self-loathing pose a significant and as yet insurmountable obstacle, which is easily seen with how Dean and Cas’s character trajectories go separate ways.

YMMV on what exactly happened between them in that Motel, but something definitely did. Perhaps one day I’ll have a proper s9 trutherism post to link to here for more details (likely won’t be written by me, though). 

10.16 Paint It Black

From the point Dean gets the MoC until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible due to distancing, to say the least. Again, yes, the fic is really good, but alas. One of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. One, it’s a rare bit of explicit emotional honesty from Dean, and two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the Thing™ between them, it’s still uncharted waters. It’s scary, and murky, and they’re unsure how to navigated it or if they should even try. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6. Anyway, he’s the full confession:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. […]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. […]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Can I just say, first, that this confession keeps me up at night because we never actually see anything done with it explicitly? I mean, obviously, I think we do in fact see the effects of this confession in the show, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this behemoth, but still, like. Damn. Ok, so, remember when I brought up that thing in season 7 about Dean being kinda done with hook-ups? Here’s where that led us. We’re seeing a Dean here who wants more than what he has convinced himself he gets to have. He wants more than dying bloody. And when he talks about wanting to experience people and feelings differently, well, that says a lot not just on the queer coding front or the romantic front. I mean, jfc, Dean is accepting the idea that he can have more in life than just hunt until he drops, and he’s specifically talking about experiences at the interpersonal level.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more and maybe he can make himself be open to that (!!!), which all culminates in season 11, so…

Season 11:

The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Lucifer (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems: Cas checks out with Lucifer because he thinks it’s the only way he can help, Dean is caught up in the turmoil of Amara, the emblem of absence and avoidance of struggle. We do get something like an affirmation from the two of them to each other via Dean calling Cas his brother (and I want y’all to consider the historical queering of that statement, and Cas’s “I could go with you.” It feels like we’re headed to them being on the same page. By the end of the season, though, it feels like we’re getting a clean slate: Mary is back, nobody died, no end-of-the-world in sight, no interpersonal crisis. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. We’re gearing up for something, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What this season does that is super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible.

11.04 Baby

Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? That conversation between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development regarding the issues Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That’s awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we’re lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don’t … Ever want something more? DEAN: I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But … Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

We wouldn’t be talking about this stuff all these years after Sam and Dean had a serious relationship if it wasn’t important, right? Also who else do we meet this season? That’s right! Eileen! And doesn’t that hit different with season 15 hindsight? And who does Dean have that understands the life? Whose stories have been intricately connected to his? Right now, this is all conjecture. A pipe dream Sam is revisiting, and Dean is skeptical about. Except, well. Look at what we get in “Into the Mystic” and “The Chitters.”

11.11 Into The Mystic

I’m bringing up this episode as a cross reference to “Paint It Black” as well as to complement the talk from “Baby,” and to show, again, that, for all the closeness between Dean and Cas, there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. There’s still truths they haven’t told each other. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin’…If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years on the road, it’s when somebody’s pining for somebody else. […] Oh, don’t try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters

And here we see some validation to Sam’s imagining of a possible future with someone else. We actually see hunters who not only are married, but they both make it out alive. Jesse and Cesar get their happy ending. They make the dream come true. And the reality of it important not just for Dean to see, but Sam too.

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too, that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13.

Alright, now, having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in season 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point, in hindsight, after getting smacked by the domesticity of seasons 13 and 14.

II. Why Season 12

[Out of date section. Update coming soon when spoons. After significant debate, I’ve altered the definitive start of Dean and Cas’s friend-with-benefits-with-mutual-pining relationship to between 12.02 and 12.03. I briefly explained why here, and yes it’s a shitpost--still true tho.]

Finally, the promise land, y’all. Getting right to it: what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. That is, until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker and with the exception of seasons 13 and 14, it’s one of the first times we get to see how Cas might actually fit into the bunker-as-home. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. What we also see this season is Cas trying to prove he is worthy of this family, his family. He’s not fighting for heaven or to right some grievous wrong (a la s8). No, this season he’s fighting to spare the Winchester, to bring them a win. To bring Dean a win. The major disconnect is that Dean (and Sam & Mary) already sees Cas that way, he doesn’t think Cas has anything to prove. And just maybe, Cas starts believing that too – or, at least, believing it enough.

12.10 Lily Sunders Has Some Regrets

This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim).

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it. Oh, and, of course, let’s not forget to point to Dean’s face when Cas says that “I love you,” and how terrified he is that Cas is dying. Might make one rethink some things, hm?

12.19 The Future

This episode is simply hella suspicious, and all the kudos to Berens and Glynn for writing it. It’ll haunt me forever. Consider watching it again and just questioning everything. So. Weird things:

1. Dean’s reaction to Cas no getting in touch as opposed to Sam’s. Dean is pissed, which is Dean-speak for worried out of his mind. Sam is very worried, too, and puzzled, but he’s mostly expressing his relief that Cas is back. But Cas has gone awol before, but this time Dean is much more worked up about it; Sam takes note of this, too. Now, let’s imagine that maybe the events of 12.12 led to something happening between Dean and Cas. Then Cas decided to leave to find a lead on Kelly, but eventually Cas decides to work with Heaven and goes radio silent. For days. Having taken a chance, and something having happened between them, how would Dean react to Cas just going poof and not contacting him – despite Dean having called Cas multiple times.

2. Cas knows about the Colt. Ok, nothing off there. But when he goes to Dean’s room to talk, right after Dean leaves we see Cas looking around briefly. Like he know Dean would keep it in there. Maybe Cas had looked other places already. Who knows. What we do know is that eventually he does find the Colt not only in Dean’s room, but under Dean’s pillow. Sam didn’t even know the Colt wasn’t in the safe. So how did Cas know?

3.“He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But can you see Cas actually doing that if they hadn’t gone there previously? For Dean not to suspect anything and go with it? There’s plenty of plausible deniability here, but the gaps in time in the narrative make me question what is there in those spaces. The scene where Cas tried to give Dean the mixtape back doesn’t read like “playing,” so it’s about a different interaction. Hm. Hmmm.

4. Dean and Cas’s brief conversation in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together – because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth, but also ow.

5.And most importantly: When did Dean give Cas that mixtape??? How did that happen?

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him – Dean is clearly shook by it – Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) – Cas goes awol - Dean acts like he got ghosted by his new bf -?????- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow – "He went into my room and he played me."

What am I supposed to do with that, hm? Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But YMMV, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication.

III. Seasons 13 through 15 As Established Relationship

Regardless of what happened in season 12, exactly, I can’t shake the feeling that something did happen, and something did change. My reasoning here is actually really simple: in comparison to previous seasons, Dean and Cas’s dynamic shifts significantly come season 13. I know some folks have been disappointed with some of season 13 and then season 14 for having dialed back on the destiel side of things. And, hey, maybe there’s truth to that in terms of backstage stuff, but I also want to point out that...well, the dialing back isn’t quite dialing back is it? Let’s look at 13 a little more closely:

Season 13:

So I said the deancas dynamic changed, right? I also think that change caught us unaware because the pivotal turning point that would cue us in never happened on screen as well as being subsumed by Cas’s death and Jack’s birth. But if I ask you about deancas in season 13 what would come to mind? Grief arc? Brokebacknatural? How domestic Dean and Cas are? There’s just something easy about their relationship after Cas returns from the Empty. The tension we’d grown so familiar with over the years is gone. Actually, it feels like we skipped the getting together bit of their relationship and went straight to established relationship and parenting. Some of the most peak married deancas moments we see circulating? Season 13, (and 12.10). It’s a lot, and it’s different, and it’s amazing.

13.01-13.05

Dean’s grief mini-arc. He was acting like a widower. Here’s me vaguely gesturing towards the mapping of Jonh, Mary, Dean, and Sam onto Dean, Cas, Sam, and Jack. And the reunion? I can’t help but be giddy at the song choice: “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying.

13.06 Tombstone & 13.16 Scoobynatural

I’m not going at length about these episodes, I just want to point out that they reveal that Dean and Cas have a whole thing going on off screen: they watch movies together, Cas knows about Dean being an angry sleeper, Cas seems to have been aware of the Dean-cave before Sam was. It’s little things like this that are examples of the narrative gaps surrounding Dean and Cas that have cropped up over the years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wonder what else could be hiding there. And when did the movie nights alluded in “Tombstone” happen? Maybe in season 12 when Cas in hanging around the bunker? The same period when Dean and Cas seem to be coalescing into something safer and more stable? Something that we never see come to a head because plot happens and Cas dies? Something that is immediately taken back up once Cas is alive again?

Season 14:

Overall, this season is more of what we got during 13, but it had two high notes I wanted to single out before ending this already too long post.

14.15 Peace of Mind

Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t couple-y as hell.

14.18-14.20

Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established, and unaddressed, rift between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here: he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? What if Cas died again? And why should Cas put up with Dean’s behavior without knowing the cause? How can any relationship work this way? But notice how caught in the middle Sam was during all this. Notice how Jack is running off and acting out. The whole family is falling apart. Divorce arc, indeed.

Season 15:

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will-they-or-won’t-they because they already have. We’re are watching a getting back together plot! The tension is, instead, will-they-or -won’t-they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. That’s the crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned twelve fucking episodes -- y’all, that’s half a season.

And technically? We’re not even done with yet because Cas never let Dean finish his prayer/confession in purgatory. What’s more, Cas hasn’t grappled with his role in the breakdown of their relationship, either: that he keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. We’re waiting to see what else Dean had to say, and what will happen when Cas’s deal with the Empty comes to light.

Finally, could we still have this plot without Dean and Cas having gotten together off screen? Sure, but I think the stakes are higher if they already did have something between them. If they actually have an established romantic relationship going on. Something real and tangible and as of yet much too fragile.

"...you asked what about all this is real. We are."

[arrivisting]

I’d love author commentary on basically the whole scene at Ekkaia in all my war is done (or any individual part of that scene, if your prefer). Taken together, it’s one of the most beautiful and emotionally complex and heartrending things you’ve written, from the description of the sea itself, to the difficulties of Fingon and Alqualondë, to Gil and the ocean and his ‘mother’, to Fingon and Gil beginning to tackle the thorny subect of Maedhros.

I should admit something about all my war is done: it's the most fugue-like my writing has ever been. I jotted down a few notes on my commute into work - I was deeply underwater with my PhD at the time, three months away from submitting - and then the idea of writing a sequel to scion seized me so profoundly that I sat down in the Starbucks where my bus stops, took out my laptop, and wrote instead of just collecting my coffee and walking down to my office. I wrote 15k. In one day. In about five or six hours. I've never achieved anything like that before or since - I do have good days where I can knock 2-4k out easily, but not 15k. (You might note that the posted part of all my war is done is only 12k, but I wrote all the way up into the next bit with Fingon in Tirion that you've read, up until Turgon at the dinner table). I didn't sit down or plan events; I didn't actually know much about what would happen: but I knew they were going to Ekkaia and they'd have some kind of resolution there. These are my phone-notes, from that morning:

You can see, I think, something of the way an idea hits me. I note down a few snatches of plot, not necessarily in any order, some lines I think people should say at some point, although I might not use them, sketch out some things (Formenos's ruins were going to feature more heavily, but they're waiting for a later story).

(It makes me laugh, the words my phone doesn't accept - Gil-galad, for one - and the ones it automatically capitalises from where I've yelled enthusiastically about elf things at people. I never stop long enough to correct spelling etc when I'm trying to get something down).

I clearly knew from inception that I wanted Fingon's place to be called the hill of waiting, and had tried out the name in Sindarin; because my verbs are not good, I came up with Amon Dartha. It was when I was redrafting that I realised Amon Darthir had existed actually in Dor-lomin(!!!) and the name was even more perfect symbolically than I'd meant it to be! Did I know that, unconsciously? I don't know.

You can see, too, that the Sea of Ekkaia was almost the very first point to hit me, and that I knew it and the scene there would be important, and that I knew that the story was about Fingon finding a way to tell Gil-galad that he had been loved, and wanted, and that meant talking about Maedhros; and that at the end I wanted Gil-galad to be gently, impersonally, firmly clear that he would not, could not, be staying to wait with Fingon.

Okay, DVD commentary proper - I'm sorry, I remember awfully little about writing this, given the fugue state and my thesis and everything, so I'm not sure how useful this will be!

“Oh,” said Gil-galad when they broke out of the woods and began to ride down over the dune-lands to the rocky shore. “Oh!”

The Sea of Ekkaia was beautiful, in its own way, but that way that was like no other place in Arda, in either Aman or Middle Earth.

It was a dark-blue that was almost black, even in the late afternoon, and the shore was less sand than gravel, a strange inconsistent rubble of rock and broken sea-shells that had been dashed to pieces by the constant fury of the waves. Staring out to sea, one did not see the far-away horizon the way one did on the gentler coast of Belegaer: there was no gentle faraway blue haze through which one might, perhaps, on a clear day, imagine that Middle Earth could be glimpsed, or at least the Straight Path.

No: instead along the horizon there was a seam of silver light, and then a great blackness, where the Sea of Ekkaia met the Uttermost West that was not quite the Doors of Night, but was certainly the end of Aman itself. If you stood on the shore watching, the seam would ripple with a pulse of light, sometimes green and sometimes white.

It was so far from anywhere the Eldar of Valinor lived. While they clustered around the Belegaer like moths to flame, this shore seemed instead to repel them. Was it the sight of the world’s end itself? It might be; yet Fingon thought there was more to why this wilderness was so little visited, this howling black sea lashing itself against a grey shore. It was beautiful, but not in the way Elves liked things to be beautiful: it was too raw, too unfinished, too savage.

It was too close to where Mandos kept his Halls, which were not only a thing of spirit but also matter, at least in the way that things in Aman were both. Too close to where Nienna’s tower looked out into the Void and where she wept, and wept, and wept. It was too close to death and to rebirth, to judgment and to pity.

There's a little Dawn Treader, I think, in this idea of the uttermost West. I don't know why I thought the seam of the world should pulse with strange light, but it's an uncanny kind of geography, so near Mandos and Nienna, and I like the sense that this is the end of the world, but not the end of the universe.

A lot of this came together serendipitously. I knew some kind of memorialisation of the river that bore Gil-galad needed to be part of his story; that meant going to the sea; and it's clear from the notes that I had already decided that couldn't mean Alqualonde because of kinslaying reasons and memories. (And that that too would need to be confronted). Therefore: roadtrip to Ekkaia. Therefore, the question: what would Ekkaia be like? We don't really know anything about it - only the good qualities of Belegaer. This was really written by a process of inversion, a way of pulling what we know about Belegaer inside-out, and imagining a place at the world's edge, a place that was empty, a place that was uncannily close to difficult things, to Mandos and Nienna; a place that seemed to repel the Eldar as surely as Belegaer drew them like iron filings.

I was thinking visually about New Zealand, too. I spent my childhood summers on the beaches up north, mostly around Tūtūkākā, which are bright and lovely, with golden or white or tawny sand, with gnarled pohutukawa and blue-green water. Like this:

That's what beach and sea meant to me, and it was a shock the first time I went to one of the black sand beaches where the wind howled and the colours weren't blue, green, gold, but iron, grey, navy, black. I loved it, but it felt so other, so passionate, so strange. That shock and that wild beauty and desolation were things I wanted to get at, though Ekkaia would be far more wild and desolate still.

They left the horses in the thin sea-grass, and their shoes, too, and walked down to the water. “I missed it,” Gil-galad said, and closed his eyes, breathing in the brine. “I missed it badly, all the long years besieging Mordor before I died.”

I think Gil-galad would be very marked by his upbringing first in the Falas and then on Balar; you don't lose that, if you grew up by the sea.

The wind took up his long dark hair and made a banner of it as they walked along the rough crescent of rocky ground where the waves met the shore, and around their bare ankles small stones tumbled back and forth in the lace-edge of the water.

When I was young I used to stand in the water and let the waves bury me up to my ankles, watching the water move in, out, spreading skirts of lace overlapping as new waves came in. I could do it for hours. There's something very liminal about the water's edge, between the solid land and the sea, which is why I put this conversation in it, I think. They're in a liminal space and at a liminal moment. It's the scene the whole story has been inexorably building toward, the point where all Fingon's painful scraping-away of his barriers finally reaches his skin.

“Sometimes in Middle Earth it became very difficult to believe in the Valar,” Gil-galad said, his eyes still closed, “in the blood, and the mud, and the filth. There were so many great and small unfairnesses, day upon day, year upon year.” He opened his eyes and looked towards the Uttermost West where the world ended. “And here it is impossible not to. Look at it!"

This is a little more hopeful than the original version, which I don't have anymore, but went pretty much:

"Sometimes in Middle Earth it was very difficult to believe in the Valar,” Gil-galad said. "In the blood, and the mud, and the filth. There were so many great and small unfairnesses, day upon day, year upon year.”

It was a comment more about Gil-galad's rueful scepticism than wonder - because he fought the Dagorlad before he died, because he spent the last ten years of his life in mud and blood and filth and horror. I work on the First World War - its literary legacy and traces in the decades after, more than its immediate experience or actuality, because there was a ten-year period after 1918 where it was more latent than overt, a traumatic lacuna of silence, a Nachträglichkeit- and I thought in the blood, and the mud, and the filth was a little too on the nose.

I kept it, though, because Tolkien was drawing on his own memories of the trenches with the Dagorlad and the Dead Marshes, with those blurred lines of solid land and mud/bog, the living mixed up with the remains of with the dead, all the themes you see again and again in the war poetry and the officer war-books. (Santanu Das is very good on this, as is Eric Leed). Paul Fussell is a bit old-hat now, but his argument that WWI altered the sensibility of its survivors because of their close, consanguinous co-existence with the dead is something I still find valuable. I think there's a lot of WWI survivor in the way I think of Gil-galad, actually, I'm just realising - not that he survived the Last Alliance. He's detached in a different way from Fingon. Fingon's built himself a thick layer of repression/denial, a kind of callous to protect himself from confronting or thinking about what Maedhros did, and what that means for him and to him; Gil-galad is entirely present, but somewhat detached in some ways, the way people who came back from war could be. Not that Fingon and Finrod aren't also separated from the Amanyar by their time in Beleriand and experience of war and death, but Gil-galad lived there for millennia, and he fought a longer, harder, more total kind of war than they did.

But he's at the Sea of Ekkaia, as west as you can get. So much of Tolkien is about that endless longing glance west, that movement: why is this very westernmost edge so under-explored?

I wanted Gil-galad to be softened by this encounter with the sea, so I went back and let his wonder be as much at the spectacle itself as the sea, like the greater hand at work he had sometimes doubted being visible was something wonderful rather than something to be bitter about. I wanted to position him to be potentially open to, perhaps, the Valar; perhaps, to Fingon. I hope he doesn't come off as closed-minded: I think of him as having a fair mind, and good judgment, but - despite placing him here between the sea and the shore - very clear personal lines between what he thinks is just, and what is not. Certainly, it helps a lot, never having known the Feanorians when they had not fallen.

The seam of the universe pulsed with light, and beyond it was – what?

Unutterable nothingness, something worse than death.

Perhaps Maedhros.

This is an important line for Fingon. He hasn't though the name of his own accord for much of the story, flinching away from it; it's only come in when Finrod and then Gil-galad speak the name. This is the first time he's thought it clearly of his own free will, and this is I think the first signal that he's brought Gil-galad here to be as honest and earnest with him as he can be, however much it hurts, or however much it might drive him away. Because if he isn't, and doesn't, Gil-galad will be driven away anyway, and Fingon wants to be connected with him, the first time he's wanted that kind of bond with anyone since he returned.

(I think of Finrod as someone who just kept turning up, regularly, and forcing Fingon to associate with him; and then bringing Amarie; and then his children; and not taking no for an answer. It bothers Turgon rather terribly that they seem to be friends now, when they were never that close Before: that Fingon pushes him away, but allows Finrod to keep pushing; that Finrod does push. He doesn't know about Gil-galad, of course).

He's brought Gil-galad here to show him if possible that he was wanted, to conjure up lost Ringwil where she might be felt if not found; and to do the same for Maedhros. This is a signal that this journey to the sea is as much about Gil-galad's missing father as his missing mother.

The almost-forgotten tang of salt in the air always mingled with the smell of blood in Fingon’s worst memories, and he was not the only one who remembered. The waves were gentle around Gil-galad’s feet, but they boiled furiously around Fingon’s, delivering small spiteful slaps at his calves.

Spiteful was probably the wrong word here. I don't necessarily mean a dramatic boiling or bubbling; but the water is harsh where it touches him, the kind of slapping roughness you get when the tide is coming in rough.

It took Gil-galad longer to mark the difference, engrossed in the joy of the sea and spectacle as he was, and when he did, his face changed. There was something terribly sad in his eyes when he lifted them from the water to look at Fingon.

It wasn’t why he had brought Gil-galad here; but Fingon didn’t want to imagine the look he would receive if he brushed aside the silent question. “No,” he said. “I am not forgiven.”

“So I see.”

They could probably leave it there.

But Fingon won't, because he's trying. He's really trying to connect after all the time flinching away from it, and he's remembering what Gil-galad said about talking, and what Finrod said about mistakes and silences in their first life.

He said, “You said you loathed the thought of being the son of – a murderer. But my own hands have not been clean since Alqualondë, and death didn’t unstain them. All the time you thought I might be your father, you must have known I was a Kinslayer, too.”

I tried to signal this in their earlier tower conversation with Finrod, and Gil-galad's changing of the topic, but I feel like it's a little abrupt here.

“Yes,” Gil-galad said, and his expression didn’t change. “And when the knights that had served you came to me, they told me that you killed that day in ignorance, that you came upon a battle already being fought; that you took up your sword to save those you loved and didn’t question whether it was just. I heard that from others, too, those who had less reason to bend facts to a flattering pattern; survivors of Gondolin and of Nargothrond. I did ask."

“Ignorance wasn’t an excuse. I died ashamed of it, and I live again with the shame.”

"Good!” said Gil-galad, and there was no forgiveness in his voice, even when Fingon jerked his head up in shock. Instead there was the stern ring of a king used to weighing the ideals of justice against the world as it was, the king who had walked arm in arm with Eonwë the Maia, led his people through many full-fledged wars, and held court and meted justice to them for an Age. “That gives me a far better opinion of you than any of the stories did! I’m glad.”

I remember talking to you about this in the comments, about what it meant that Gil-galad wasn't forgiving him. I think I really meant condone, but I also don't think it's Gil-galad's place to absolve Fingon - he wasn't the one wronged! - and that it's important to me that, because Fingon does truly regret it, he doesn't wish to be absolved, to slide away from it. I don't mean he ought to wallow in it or flog himself with it daily, but I think it would be important to him to shoulder and own that guilt rather than ever allowing himself to put it behind him or have someone else tell him it’s quite all right.

I think this is a moment where I show that they're quite similar, too, because even if Fingon wasn't aware that a bracing, clear assessment was just what he wanted, it was what he needed, rather than people being kind (which he's had a lot of, since he returned; and which hasn't touched that central guilt he's hidden from them, that he loved Maedhros, who had done such terrible things. It's prevented him from accepting kindness made him block people reaching out to him. Gil-galad is not being kind, but just, and still reaching out).

It felt like Fingon had been struggling to take a full lungful of air for a long time, and now something constricting in his chest had loosened, as it hadn’t even after the Valar themselves had judged him. It was only now that he realised that he hadn’t wanted Gil-galad to forgive or absolve him. He had wanted – needed – Gil-galad to be better than him, to withhold forgiveness when it was unmerited; and Gil-galad had. He had become the shining legacy they had all hoped he would be, the thing they had all somehow done right.

The water slapped at his ankles again, in impatient reminder.

This is too brief a transition. I should have fleshed the join out more.

“I think Ulmo would come to you here, if you called. You were a king by the sea in Middle Earth, and you may not remember it, but it was a river who gave you life.”

Gil-galad looked at him as if he’d grown an extra head. “What?”

“I brought you here for a reason,” Fingon said. “Where did they go, the drowned and poisoned rivers of Beleriand? I don’t know; but Ulmo might.”

I've really personified the rivers, but I think it's a clear and easy extrapolation from the Withywindle and the River-daughter in The Fellowship of the Ring that I don't need to justify in order to argue that every river might have had its own attendant Maia-spirit. It does make what happened to the Rivers of Beleriand much worse, though, and I wanted to look at the way a character that was a throwaway mechanism in scion ended up being sickened and dying as horribly as Beleriand did; this story was really about following all those lighter bits in scion home, to the end of the line, and looking at the long-term impacts of something that began more lightly. In this verse, Ringwil was a river, but also a person; and I think of her and Finrod as sharing a strange human-river friendship and overlapping enthusiasms.

He clapped Gil-galad on the shoulder, hoping it said all the things he meant it to say. Affection had been so easy for him once, in the life that had been taken from him by the fiery flails of the Balrogs, but now it came hard, and the sea-smell was in his nose, the terrible memories too close to the surface.

He had surely outstayed Ulmo’s tolerance by now. Fingon left Gil-galad there in the water, and didn’t dare glance back until there was thin sandy soil under his feet again.

Only then did he look once more towards the sea.

Gil-galad was standing in the shallows. His broad shoulders were bunched tight, as if he was readying himself for something very difficult, a confrontation with one of the Valar he had long doubted.

Then he spread his arms out, empty-handed, and tipped his head back, and the light on the horizon grew unbearably bright, whiter than white, more silver than silver; and a face began to move upon the water.

I really like this, honestly. Which I can't/don't say often! The temptation to overwrite this was strong, to show this encounter, to describe the Vala: but I think it's often stronger not to show something numinous, to pull away, to let the mind fill it in.

Again, this is Gil-galad as I imagine him: still somewhat distanced from the Valar by the Dagorlad and the things that happened there (and I think perhaps doubly unhappy in that he lived through the end of an Age once before, and that time, at least, the Valar came: they did not come in the Second, nor send so much as a messenger, and such obscenities as the fall of Ost-in-Edhil and the drowning of Numenor had been allowed to happen, and Men and Elves were left alone to come together and break Sauron's grip). Doubting, but not angry; doubting, but still curious. Open to listening.

a face began to move upon the water is of course a deliberate sideways reference to

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

-

It took a very long time. Fingon could not watch; his eyes dazzled.

Can you tell I was teaching The Duchess of Malfi at this time? Cover her face; mine eyes dazzle; she died young. That sense of a light too bright and white to look upon; that sense of guilt; that faint reference to life lost untimely. This wasn't meant to be a direct intertextual reference, but that net of meaning was there, lightly. Again, I wanted to under-write rather than over-write. I know I have a tendency to over-write.

And of course - there's a sense here that Fingon is refusing the kind of close enoucnter with Ulmo he could/might have. There's water in his eyes. From the wind?

-

“Thank you,” Gil-galad said when he rejoined him at last. His eyes were glowing, and he whistled Ceredir to him from where he was tearing ropey roots of sea-grass from the dunes with great relish. “Thank you for bringing me here;” and he didn’t say it the way he’d thanked Fingon for the horse, or the armour, or the sword, or even the lance.

Because this is a real gift, something that means something to both of them, something more honest/painful. Fingon's been trying to connect through gifts but not serious conversation or sharing, like some estranged parents do, throwing money at the problem rather than giving of their time or their selves, and however well-meant, it hasn't worked.

“I didn’t truly do anything."

“You brought me to the Sea. I know – I could see – how difficult it was for you."

"Well,” Fingon said lamely. He cleared his throat. “What did Lord Ulmo say about – oh, I can’t call her your dam! – the Maia who bore you? Did she – was she there?”

The dam pun is Finrod's. Don't blame me.

A little of the light dimmed, but it didn’t quite fade away. “No, she’s gone. Back to the Timeless Halls, he says; but one with him again, Ulmo, at the same time.” Gil-galad made a noise. “I don’t pretend to understand any of it, all the metaphysical nonsense of the Ainur! But he was kind to me, and he told me something of her – that she delighted in the making of me.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “I left the flowers we gathered earlier in the waves for her and the sea didn’t dash them back onto the shore. I’m sure Ulmo broke a few laws of Arda there.”

I like this image of the flowers suspended in the water. I had it clearly in mind from before I began to write.

"You were wanted.”

“I’m beginning to believe it,” Gil-galad said.

“You should,” Fingon said. He took a breath. Talking is how you sort things out; and a long time ago, Fingon had been known for his valour. Gil-galad deserved to know how much he had been wanted, who had called himself a political compromise given birth. The truth of that had stung.

And it was less than the truth. Fingon could still remember the first time he had opened his mind to Maedhros over the leagues between them and let him see Gil’s small face through his own eyes, holding nothing back. He had shown Maedhros the dark long lashes and the squashed baby nose, the milk-blister on the bow of Gil’s upper lip, the way his whole head turned an alarming red when he wailed; shared with Maedhros Gil’s fondness for being tossed in the air, his splashing joy in his bath.

This is is me trying to describe a baby without being too sentimental about it, because Fingon wasn't all, oh look at the toesie-woesies, or my son, my son: his eye was more detached, and you see him in scion thinking of Gil-galad as it.

I've been thinking about why Fingon in no way allowed himself to consciously dote on the baby, why that streak of denial that's so strong in his second life was there in his first light, and really: it would have been dangerous to let himself love him, to see Gil as his son and Maedhros's. He was born at a time of terrible loss, after the Flame, when they all expected they could die themselves. He was moved around Beleriand like a game-piece. Fingon was always going to lose him: he wasn't going to get to raise him, after all, until and unless Morgoth was defeated. Maedhros wasn't going to meet him, until and unless &c. It was easier not to let oneself get attached than it was to confront those hard facts and let oneself be hurt by them. Easier to think of him as a baby Finwean prince, and that only: a political pawn, not a son.

Conversely, Maedhros maintains a physical distance, but not an emotional one. Here's a bit from Maedhros's perspective:

Finrod had told him that. They had written, back and forth, in the long months as Ringwil’s belly swelled, as the child formed, as it began to move and stretch and turn frog-like inside her. They had corresponded constantly during the first months of the child’s life in Nargothrond, and during the first months of his life, Finrod had sent long scrolls detailing every change in Artanaro’s weight, his length, his hair colour, his eye colour, how much milk he’d consumed each day: screeds winging forth to Himring until the child was old enough to survive the secret trip north.

Fingon’s letters had been infuriatingly spare of useful information while the child was fostered at Barad Eithel. Beloved, ineloquent Fingon: Fingon, who had nevertheless shown him the child as no reams of paper could.

Fingon had given him forever the rounded bloom of his full cheeks, and the pursed mouth, sullen in sleep: the feathery, rather cross-looking eyebrows, and the small hands with their deep dimples and smaller fingernails, curled into the edge of Fingon’s furred mantle.

Maedhros had felt the way Fingon hovered between wonder and confusion at what they’d wrought: the way he couldn’t quite manage to think of the child as his own, this thing spun out of air and calculation and freshwater into heavy, solid life. He could have loved him so desperately, Maedhros knew that. He was halfway there, hovering in terror on the edge, afraid of falling. If the baby had stayed in Barad Eithel longer; if Fingon had watched him begin to creep around on fat little knees, to pull himself up on the furniture and to take his first steps – to hear the baby babble turn into words and speech – his heart would have opened to him like a flower, and the child would have become the centre of his universe, the sun in his sky.

Fingon had never known what to do with Idril as an infant, either, but he’d easily become an adored uncle as she grew up. If they’d had more time – if the child had been permitted to stay with Fingon even a month longer before being sent for safety to Cirdan –

Well, they’d never had enough time.

There had been few walls between them then, so he had felt Maedhros’s bright joy, the painful love, in its moment of birth: swelling and swelling like a cloud with rain, as though his heart was growing and his blood was leaking out of him at the same time, transmuting into pure tenderness and iron purpose.

I like this because I think of the Ekkaia scene as a cloudburst, full of emotion that has been swelling and swelling and now released. This is one bit of the breaking-through.

He had never needed to ask whether Maedhros considered Gil-galad a son.

“I don’t want to talk about – him,” Fingon said with difficulty, and the salt breeze stung his face, his eyes. “I know you loathe him, and rightly; and I do, too. I do hate him; or I hate what he did. I do! But you should know – you deserve to – that he wanted you, badly, although he never met you; he never wanted the shadow on him to touch you or to taint you.

And this. You can see here where I spun off into cliffs of fall, which isn't a scion story, but sprung out of this speech. It was already there in those sketchy notes, too, a lot of what Fingon's saying here: this important line about hating Maedhros, or what he did (that movement from clear certainty to trying to separate the deeds from the loved one; to urgent reptition - I do! I mean it, I really do! - which means he doesn't, can't: this is the heart of Fingon's guilt, because he wants to hate Maedhros utterly, but he can't, and he is profoundly in denial about that).

“He always wanted children; I took that from him even before the Oath did, but I gave it back to him with you. I loved you first of all for that, but he loved you for yourself. Because you existed, against all hope and possibility and fate and chance; and because you were ours.”

Gil-galad said nothing. There was still a wildflower tucked behind his ear, but the brilliance had quite left his eyes.

“Well,” Fingon said at last. “I needed to tell you that. You should know that you were never – not only – you were wanted very much."

Beloved ineloquent Fingon, &c.

-

They were some miles from the beach when Gil-galad said, “‘Ours’?”

“Yes."

-

I was trying to let the gaps and breaks talk for me in the text. Under-writing.

The beginning was full of these little breaks, too, because they didn't yet know how to talk to each other; now at the end, that connection, and their conversations, are breaking down again. It's echoing that ride together at the beginning very strongly, but now it's not Gil-galad trying to become acquainted and Fingon giving light, unsatisfying answers. These are the real questions/answers at last, and the whole story has really been about getting to the point of Fingon and Gil-galad in Aman where they actually could have the kind of conversation Gil-galad was trying to have at the start.

-

Some miles further, Fingon said, “Did you ever meet him in Beleriand? After I died. I always wondered.”

“No,” Gil-galad said.

It didn’t seem like he was going to speak again, and Fingon had begun to assimilate that knowledge, that pain – that Maedhros had never seen him, had only ever known him through Fingon’s own eyes – when he added,

“But I saw what he did. Have you ever seen a whole city ruined, and known the ruiners to be Elves? It wasn’t even a city, poor Sirion! It was a refuge, a place for the desperate, as far to the West as they could get, as close to the safety of the Sea. They had so very little. No great stone palaces, no towers, no spires. Little enough fresh food. They were able to grow so little, and they lived on fish, and sea-weed, and what brave hunting parties would bring back; and hope. They lived on hope, and they thought Elwing wore it around her throat, but the Valar didn’t come for them: Maedhros Fëanorion and his brothers did instead, and they burned and killed and ravaged. I’d say they salted the earth, but it was salt already. To fall on any innocent Elven city would be a horror: on poor Sirion it was the greatest cruelty I ever saw, and entirely pointless."

They said nothing more.

I like this, too, actually. You see a little here of why Gil-galad might be healthily sceptical of the Valar - they didn't come for them: Maedhros Feanorion and his brothers did instead - and that very post-war experience of seeing a descrated, destroyed town. Worse when you had seen it when it was whole, when you knew the dead and fled.

Sirion is, I think, the worst thing the Feanorions did. I find it worse than even Doriath or Alqualonde (though they're all awful!). These were desperate survivors, huddled together at the edge of the sea for protection. So many of their leaders had been killed or lost. Idril and Tuor had disappeared; Earendil was away; Maedhros and the others struck while only Elwing was there, and she was so young, and so alone, and so damaged already by what they'd done in Doriath. And now they’d come again. There's something about the revictimisation that gets me. It's awful.

I wanted it to be weight and counter-weight - that soft, painful, remembered moment of Maedhros seeing baby Gil-galad through Fingon's eyes, something Fingon has clearly not deliberately thought about since he was reborn, but dredges up now for Gil-galad, because he should know: and which is echoed in the beginning by Fingon's question to Finrod. But Maedhros is still the person who did the things he did, and I wanted to set that soft moment of truth against his deeds at Sirion, another truth, to point out clearly why Gil-galad would recoil so hard from this offering, this honesty Fingon wants to be able to give him. This is the dichotomy at the heart of the story: reconciling Maedhros and how one felt for him with what he did, and how one feels about that. It is irresolvable, at least for Fingon, at least at the moment I've ended it at for now.

I don't know if this is quite what you wanted, @warrioreowynofrohan, especially because like I said, I wrote this story in a frantic fog, but I hope this in some way suffices!

[twistedtummies2]

Two Weeks in the TARDIS - The First Doctor

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Welcome to Two Weeks in the TARDIS! For the next thirteen days, starting now, I’ll be talking about the different versions of the titular protagonist from “Doctor Who.” Each day I’ll be covering a different Doctor, going in order from the First to the Thirteenth. And today, we begin the event by talking about The One Who Started It All: William Hartnell, as The First Doctor.

BACKGROUND

Hartnell’s Doctor is a walking paradox, in retrospect: being the first, he is the youngest of the thirteen “canon” incarnations. Ironically, however, he looks and behaves like the oldest. Of course, this is because the character of the Doctor was thought up long before the concept of Regeneration came around: when the show first came on, there wasn’t any plan for Hartnell to be “the first,” he simply was “The Doctor,” period. I think the First Doctor is particularly interesting in hindsight because he is so radically different from other Doctors who came after him: for one thing, Hartnell’s Doctor, for a while, wasn’t even the main character of the series. The real stars of the show were his Companions; the Doctor was initially imagined as a sort of Willy Wonka or Doc Brown type figure. He was fascinating, but he wasn’t the focus. As the series went on, however, it became clear that the Doctor was the most interesting and dynamic character of the whole group, and so while companions came and went, Hartnell’s character stayed a constant, and took on a larger and larger role in stories right up till the end of his run. As the first, he is also arguably the most important Doctor: without him, the rest would likely not exist. It is for this reason that, unlike other Doctors in the series, this one still made appearances even after his primary actor’s death: in “The Five Doctors,” actor Richard Hurndall took over the part, and more recently in “Twice Upon a Time,” he was played by David Bradley, who previously played Hartnell himself in the TV movie about the beginnings of Doctor Who, “An Adventure in Time and Space.” Other actors would get replacement performers for the Audio Plays I mentioned in my previous post, but Hartnell, to my knowledge, is the only one to have replacement actors in the TV series proper.

PERSONALITY

Hartnell’s Doctor is, to be blunt, a cranky old man. Again, you’d never guess in retrospect that this was the youngest version of the character. He’s crotchety, temperamental, dictatorial, snappy, and while every version of the Doctor has an ego, his is one of the biggest. At times, he can be almost villainous; in the early days of the show, in particular, he’s often the most antagonistic member of the TARDIS team - a far cry from the alien-busting leader we know today. He’s only in charge in the sense that he’s the only one who can fly the ship. As Hartnell’s era went on, the Doctor softened up as a character: while he remained grouchy and haughty, he became much less nasty. He came to care about his Companions more, and became less interested in merely traveling and more interested in tackling the evil he encountered with direct force. In other words, he started to become more like The Doctor we all know and love. Hurndall and Bradley, in their outings, both do a good job at taking on Hartnell’s mannerisms and general concepts, while also making them their own. Hurndall’s Doctor I feel comes across as a bit more sly and sneaky: he’s more in line with the sort of trickster figure the Doctor would later become than Hartnell himself often is. As for Bradley, he actually does do a good job at making one remember that this Doctor is the youngest: as old as the actor is and the character looks, there’s a sort of smugness and naivete to him that reminds you this is effectively the Doctor in his infancy.

COSTUME

While many things about Hartnell’s era are drastically different from the show we know today, one thing that you can definitely say started with Hartnell and did not really change was the Doctor’s frequently unusual sartorial sense. The costumes of the Doctors are just as big a part of the characters as anything else, and the First Doctor sets the standard right away. Keep in mind, when we first meet the Doctor, it’s in then-modern-day England. The Time Lord is a walking anachronism: dressed in period costume of the Edwardian era, Hartnell’s Doctor is a stuffy, stiff-backed gentleman. He stands out in a crowd almost regardless of where the heroes go, and in the 60s era of the show’s beginning, he has a sort of uncanny dress code: he’s strange enough to be peculiar, but not so totally alien that the heroes take note of the clothes much. He’s an odd authoritarian figure; he likes to seem in charge and affluent, putting on the airs of an old academic on vacation.

NOTABLE COMPANIONS

The First Doctor had numerous companions over the course of his time in the TARDIS, but for my money, the most interesting ones are the ones he had the longest, and who were also the first companions he had aboard his time-and-spacecraft: Ian Chesterton (a schoolteacher), Barbara Wright (his colleague), and the Doctor’s own granddaughter, Susan. As I said before, in the early days of the show, these three were really the main characters: the stories tended to revolve more around them, with Ian as the tough and charismatic hero, Barbara as his most trusted confidante, and Susan as an unusually brainy “damsel in distress,” with the Doctor really taking fourth place as the eccentric “Grumpy Dwarf” type: the voice of eternal cynicism. As the series went on, the three would become less and less important in the grand scheme of things, and ultimately all three would leave the TARDIS while the Doctor remained to continue adventuring, thus taking his role as the true star of the show. It’s the radically different dynamic from future Companions that makes these three so particularly intriguing to watch; Susan, in particular, remains a fascinating character, simply because of her familial ties to the Doctor. It’s telling that years later, when “The Five Doctors” came out, she was the companion chosen for the reunion special from the First Doctor’s era, and it’s equally telling that vague references to her have continually been made throughout the canon of Doctor Who, whereas I tend to find fewer people remember Ian and Barbara.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Before I state which serial I felt best to recommend here, I need to make something clear: “Recommended Viewing” is not the same as saying “My Favorite Episode.” That IS the case HERE, I should add, and there will be some other cases where the two are the same...but that won’t be the case with EVERY Doctor, so just keep that in mind. What I’m really looking for is an episode that I feel is important: if you’re only going to watch ONE episode/serial from that Doctor’s era, and no others, these are the episodes I recommend. With that said: for the First Doctor, I recommend “The Daleks.” This was the second serial of the entire series, and the one that first introduced one of the major villains of the show, the titular Daleks. Honestly, I think the collective facts there - that it is so early in the program’s history, introduces such major characters, and is my personal favorite First Doctor episode - make for all the reasons I need to recommend it. I would also like to make additional recommendations for “The Five Doctors” and “Twice Upon a Time,” just for the sake of allowing Richard Hurndall and Peter Bradley some credit for their stellar work following in Hartnell’s wide footsteps.

Next time, we focus on Patrick Troughton as the Second Doctor: The Cosmic Hobo.