#i WILL become my ideal self one day - i am getting better

[starbuck]

with respect to myself, this whole “i need to wait till i’m out of school to date,” “i need to wait till i’m more historically, politically, and culturally educated to date” is all bullshit. it’s the top surgery. that’s the holdup. they chop these tits off and i’m ready to go.

[chahnniesroom]

welcome to chahnniesroom!

[masterlist]

tenderness - chan x reader | angst | 50k

in a world where soulmates are rare and precious, you don't know why the universe has decided to give you one. you never could have imagined that they would be an idol, and one that you worked with at that, or the challenges that would arise from your bond.

some loves - chan x reader | angst/fluff | 6.9k

some loves are too hard to bear. years after being trainees together, chan still thinks of you all the time. he has no idea that a collaboration would lead him back to you.

hoju (home) - chan x reader | fluff | 4.3k

even though chan has been living in korea for so many years, he still considers australia to be home. when he finally has the opportunity to go back and visit, he can't wait to bring you along and introduce you to the people and places that he grew up with.

cross my heart - chan & reader / hyunjin & reader | angst | 4.0k

chan has quickly become one of your closest friends at university. too bad his girlfriend, hayoon, has him wrapped around her little finger and she's determined to make your life miserable. hyunjin is just enjoying watching the drama unfold.

night again - chan x reader | angst | 6.4k

in hindsight, visiting chan's studio right before a comeback isn't one of your best ideas. what was supposed to be a pleasant surprise leaves you spiraling into self-doubt, wondering if chan even wants to be in a relationship with you at all.

coming up roses - chan x reader | angst/fluff | 10.2k

most of the time, you're grateful to have such a good relationship with your older brother, minho. but when you find yourself falling for his best friend, chan, you can't help but be worried how he'll react when he finds out. you soon find yourself struggling with the unexpected consequences of keeping your feelings a secret.

till death do us part (collection)

to have and to hold - chan x reader | fluff | 1.4k you don't think there's anything chan can do to make you love him more. chan continues to prove you wrong.

from this day forward - hyunjin x reader | fluff | 1.7k hyunjin and you have a tradition of trying to surprise each other with little things. he's a bad liar, but you love him all the same.

for better, for worse pt 1 / pt 2 - minho x reader | angst | 3.5k an arranged marriage is anything but ideal. minho knows that when it comes to his role as a husband, he's lacking, but you haven't exactly been the perfect wife either. a phone call from you leads to a shift in priorities.

for richer, for poorer - chan x reader | angst/fluff | 3.4k

gift giving has always been something you’ve agonised over. for chan, just having you in his life is enough.

in sickness and in health - seungmin x reader | fluff | 2.1k you're the most important thing in seungmin's life, of course his biggest fear would be losing you. it means that taking care of you when you're not feeling well comes naturally.

to love and to cherish

[tba]

taglist: please reply to this post, dm me, or send in a question if you'd like to be added! i have a permanent taglist and one for the till death do us part collection so please specify which you would like. i plan to schedule my posts so there may be a few hours of delay for when everyone is tagged.

also, i am so sorry if i respond late to comments/messages. i try my best to be timely in replying, but sometimes get overwhelmed or forget. please know that i love and really treasure every like/reblog/comment/ask/message that i receive!!!

i have a skz fic rec sideblog! find me at @missedyoualittletoomuch

[starwell-tarot]

PAC: What part of you requires some introspection this summer? ⛱️

Pick a pile reading: What aspect of yourself or your life needs some thinking over? What questions should you be asking yourself this summer to get to know yourself better?

Pile 1-3, left to right

Pick the picture you feel most drawn to. If you feel drawn to more than one of them, you can read the interpretation to multiple piles.

Disclaimer: All my readings contain themes of mental and emotional struggles and pains as they strive to comfort those. I don't intend on rubbing you the wrong way and I'm doing this with the hope I can help people feel better, but if it doesn't work I might just not be the right person to comfort you.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional in any way. Although my tarot readings focus on giving emotional and mental reassurance, I can only give you as much as a friend could give you - encouraging words, friendly advice, a shoulder to cry on or a metaphorical hug. Please take in the information responsibly, and if your mental health is greatly affecting your day to day functions, please consider looking for a professional if possible. I'm afraid I can't be more than a tarot-enthusiastic friend.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Take care of yourselves and remember hope is your best friend. 🖤

Pile 1 - VIII of Pentacles, Four of Wands, Knight of Swords, Balsamic Moon

Who do I dream of becoming?

The key elements in your reading are your dreams and hard work.

It seems like you have a very clear idea of how your ideal life would look like, and it's beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that the cards depict a twirling dance, gracious and romantic. There is a version of you that you have fallen in love with, but I fear you think it's unreachable. You might have put some work into it already, into reaching your goals, and yet you still feel far away from what you want to achieve. But do not rush.

No big dream in life is easily accessible to grab. They require patience and perseverance, and a lot of obstacles must be overcome before you can finally feel you've gotten everything you ever wanted. The key here is, you must avoid self-sabotage. Perhaps you are insecure, or you lack self-belief, or you get easily discouraged. Know that failure is only the path to success, so look into the lesson you can learn from your mistakes, instead of letting them consume you. Look ahead to the future fully, and break down the demons in your head into tiny little digestible pieces. Identify all of your obstacles, the things (or people) that might stand in-between you and the version of you you dream of. Think of ways you can solve these obstacles, one by one, slowly and surely. Go into the smallest of details when you question what is stopping you, where exactly you stand right now, and everything you want to achieve. Plan and be meticulous.

The balsamic moon gives the advice that, in order to become this dream version of yourself, you must first let go of all the limitations you've put onto yourself, taken from the past you've lived. Your past circumstances should not define you anymore, and you must allow yourself to change and live as though you are truly reborn into the person you want to be. 💚

Pile 2 - The Lovers R, Knight of Wands, Balsamic Moon

Who am I becoming?

The key elements in your reading are self-image and transformations.

It seems that for a very long time, you thought you knew exactly who you were and what you needed. You didn't feel much need to change the way you were doing things, and you were wearing your own personal colors permanently, and they were painting a self image of you. And lately, there's new colors on the canvas. And you don't know what to do with them. It is almost like discovering there's a whole another person living in your body, a strange experience of newly acquired self-knowledge. This can be uncomfortable, but know we as people are always expanding. Whether you are changing for good or for bad (this is also subjective) it is something you must embrace and address. If you fear you are turning into an unknown, malefic force, figure out what is making you act this way, and face the demon in the mirror. There's darkness in all of us, and we're allowed to be imperfect, but we must not let it consume us. Tell the darkness you see it, you acknowledge it and you'll work hard to heal it so that it doesn't burst out again. If you feel you're turning into something unfamiliar and strange, but not exactly bad, you must address what it brings into your life. Perhaps it's a change you needed. Perhaps you're on your path to growth, and that's always confusing.

All in all, do not resist strangeness and changes in yourself - instead, identify these changes, welcome them in, and let them talk to you. Let them tell you what they need from you, what presents they bring, or what old beliefs they want to replace. The balsamic moon gives the advice that you should be open to change, for that's what defines the future moment. The past cannot change, it is merely a limitation. Do not limit yourself, and instead let the future gently sway you. 💛

Pile 3 - Ace of Cups, Knight of Wands, New Moon

Why am I afraid of saying yes?

The key elements of your reading are self-love and opportunities.

I feel like you are in a very strange situation of almost… procrastinating self-love. You know you deserve more, but you cannot bring yourself to accept it. But deep inside, you know.

Deep inside you know you bring beautiful things into the world. Deep inside you know your quirks are not negative as you see them. Deep inside I think you know you deserve all the love in the world. You simply must accept it, so that you can finally let yourself receive all the beautiful things you've been denying yourself of having. I fear what is keeping you stuck is heavy and tangled, binding you to this version of yourself that is afraid to ask for more. These binds must be untangled. Try to think why you are denying all the blessings - what makes you believe all of these negative things about yourself? Once you find the cause, ask yourself if that situation is, in fact, still relevant to the person you are today. Once you let go of your old belief systems, you can finally be free. And if the fear of change is strong, or you cannot let go of your beliefs, ask yourself: what is the worst thing that could happen if I love myself a bit today? Who's stopping me from doing that?

The new moon gives the advice that the hardest part of everything is always the start. However, once you begin to allow a little kindness, a little love to grace you, things will slowly become less and less uncomfortable. Baby steps can take you a long way. It is time you allow your life to become beautiful. 💙

I hope this reading was useful to you!

Please consider leaving some feedback so I know if my readings resonate well. 🖤

While introspection is hugely important for self development, do not forget having fun is just as important for the mental health! So go have fun this summer 😉

If you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

©starwell-tarot do not copy, translate or repost.

[himimosa]

when they are sick

taking care of bsd men when they are sick...

fyodor, kunikida, dazai

Fyodor Dostoevsky

He is the person who walks around sick for almost half of a year, with a lot of sniffs and sneezes. Somehow he can manage to catch a cold even in summer. You say it is because he has an awful immune system

He already has anemia that makes his body weak. And if a bad cold is added too, he becomes almost pathetic...

If you ask him, he says he is used to being sick most of the time, but that is not true. He tried to take pills a few times for his anemia but they were useless (no, i am not self-projecting here, nope)

Most of the time, he can pull to do his work even if that means carrying tissues with him everywhere.

He hates the times when he got extra bad cold, it causes delays in his work. He is not someone who will accept to see a doctor even though his fever runs high. So if you're going to accompany him, you have to use more conventional ways...

You know hot soup, warm shower, herbal teas... He will act like you are being too "histrionic" and he is doing fine, but he will appreciate it secretly...

You put a mix of mint and linden leaves into the french press, added a tiny piece of ginger, and then poured hot water. After you waited for a while you poured out the liquid through a strainer. You had chosen your fav “I like mugs because they’re very comfortable in your hand” mug for it.

You entered the room where Fyodor was laying, he was trying to read a book but he was coughing constantly. You pulled the book from his hands: "Please drink this and rest a little. I am sure your book can wait for you." you scolded him lightly. He didn't argue with you, which was a sign that he was really feeling bad.

He took the mug, and looked at the writing on it "I don't understand why this is written on a mug" You chuckled "Because either you don't have a sense of humor or you have never heard Demi Lovato before dear.."

"Is it really an inadequacy of me that I don't get the references from the pop culture that was brought to people by no one but-"

"Darling darling..." you interrupted him "You can talk for hours about fatuity of popularism later, but I am begging you, drink this tea. now..."

He was annoyed by your interruption but he complied with your request. He sniffed before taking a sip. Then his face turned into a disgusted expression.

"Did you put ginger in this tea?.."

Kunikida Doppo

This poor man will go through the 5 stages of grief in order...

Denial: "I am not sick, I just got shivers for a second! This doesn't mean anything!" "No, I don't look awful or tired, I am fine!"

Anger: "This is because of that Dazai asshole! That nasty bastard sneezed right into my face and contaminated me with his viruses!"

Bargaining: "...Okay some inconveniences might happen but it's not that bad", "I will drink this tea and get better in an instant. No, I don't need a break, I will be fine"

Depression: "... What will happen to the agency if I use two days off?" "...my program... I will be left behind on it.."

Acceptance: "..President, may I use two days off to recover?"

He knew it is natural to get sick for people... But it wasn't written in his ideals book... He must add some notes about this too...

All he wants is quickly recover and get back to his responsibilities. So he will see a doctor, he will take his medicines, will drink all the herbal tea he needs to drink...You don't have to do much indeed, he is someone who takes care of himself well. But this doesn't mean he won't appreciate it if you do some thoughtful things for him...

"I'm home" you called to him when you entered the house with your keys. You dropped the bags that you got from the grocery store to the kitchen. You could organize them later, you went right ahead to the room where Kunikida was resting. He tried to get up to greet you but you acted quicker and hugged him while he was still sitting. He froze for only one second, then slowly wrapped his arms around you

"Y/N... You shouldn't be this close to me, you will get sick too..." He murmured but didn't push you away too. You shrugged your shoulders while still hugging him "Then I will use a day off with my sick boyfriend, that doesn't seem so bad to me" Kunikida chuckled lightly "If we both use a day off at the same time, I can't imagine what sort of chaos would the agency have..." Then he slowly pulled himself back to see you eye-to-eye and started to ask you questions... How is the agency going? Were budget calculations accurate? Have you taken new cases? What kind of ruckus did Dazai cause when he wasn't around to lecture him? How many calls did you get for his suicide attempts this time?

You told him about how you took care of everything on his behalf with everyone's help (well mostly with the help of Atsushi, Kyoka, Kenji, and Tanizaki siblings... basically with minors of Ada...) But even Dazai wasn't acting so "wild". He was whining about how the agency became too quiet and no-fun without Kunikida and all the joy he got from work vanished without Kunikida...

"Everyone can't wait to get you better love they are planning to visit you tomorrow night," you told with a smile. Kunikida coughed and covered his mouth, then mumbled: "I see..." You knew he did it to hide the light blush and embarrassed smile on his face, but you didn't tease him for it. After all, he was deserving it all...

Dazai Osamu

Here comes the drama king...

First, let's be honest here... He is treating his own body like shit... We saw him in his flat, this man doesn't even cook for himself. He literally feeds with sake and canned crabs only... Despite that, he doesn't get sick easily. He has the durability of a cockroach (i swear i love him, these insults are with affection)

He is the kind of person who doesn't get sick even there is a cold season and everyone around him got ill. He catches the sickness not more once than a year, but when he gets ill, it is always the most unexpected time.

Once, while he was still in the port mafia he got a very bad cold right before an important mission. When Mori saw his situation, he had to cancel the mission.

Because this man acts like he is on the deathbed when he is sick...

"So I made some research on the internet... With all these symptoms on me; either I have some kind of chronic illness, or brain tumor.. which leads us to the conclusion that I have only 2 weeks to live..." "Or, you have a cold, you shithead.." "Do not act like you are a doctor now Chuuya, or I will throw up to your precious hat..."

He didn't change much... The only difference is now he is being your boyfriend, you have to take care of this man like you are taking care of a child. He will act like he is much worse than he is to get all your affection and care... You will need a lot of patience, to be honest...

"Ew, there is no way I would drink that crap!" You thought for a millisecond to throw the bowl of soup to his face but you didn't have the heart for it. Even though he was acting like a spoiled brat, he was miserable right now. You knew he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning, you had to convince him to put something in his stomach no matter what...

"Why don't you want to drink this babe?" you asked with your sweetest tone. Dazai shrugged his shoulders "It smells bad, makes me want to puke..." You tried again "What if you push yourself? Just a little? I know it doesn't look appetizing but this soup is too good for cold, you will feel better after your drink I promise..."

Dazai looked at you with defeated eyes, he couldn't resist any longer "..fine then"

With excitement, you took one spoon from the bowl and carefully held it towards his mouth, you were cupping the other hand under the spoon to keep it from spilling. Dazai slowly opened his mouth, only to make a sour face "It is too hot!"

"Sorry baby, my bad" you apologized and started to cool it down by stirring it with the spoon. You took another spoon from the bowl, this time you blew a little air before giving it to Dazai. When he started to make some teasing comments on you would be a great nanny, you decided he was already getting better. You tried to get up after he finished his soup, but Dazai held you weakly by his wrist. "You won't leave me alone on my deathbed, right?" You rolled your eyes: "You're an idiot, you know that right?" He smirked lightly "But I am your idiot, and you still love me..." You couldn't control your smile this time. You gently removed the hair on his forehead and gave him a little peck "Yeap... Only mine to love..."

well, i couldn't still get over from this week's episode and couldnt't write anything new. this was on the drafts and not proof readed, but i will still share it. fyodor stans can use it as a denial of ep 11 :')

[ordowrites]

paparazzi

cw: D/s, B/D/S/M practices, maybe ooc?, modern day AU, minors dni, mdni, some choking, semi-public sex, Diluc is a brat tamer, some use of 'Sir', afab!reader, praise kink, breeding kink, breeding mention, semi realistic power exchange but not quite, oral (m.receiving), please let me know if i forgot to tag something, this is entirely self indulgent, established relationship, negotiated k!nk (off screen), not sfw, reader wears a dress, banter

ageless and blank blogs DNI. Do not post elsewhere.

word count: 2086

you two are a power couple, well loved by all - it is clear to the world diluc is enamored with you and you, him. most women desire him but oh, if only they knew what happens behind closed doors.

His arm is wrapped around your waist, hand at your hip and you look straight forward - hoping that the flashing of the lights won't blind you so much as the two of you slowly make your way down the red carpet. Paparazzi and news casters all clamor to ask questions, yelling out things in hopes of getting either your or your husband's attention. You sigh, this is the last place you want to be today but it's important to your husband to attend this party and you, the dutiful spouse, agreed to take some time from your own work to join him.

As a show for the paparazzi, your dearest husband gently grabs your chin, forcing you to look at him with those red eyes that always catch you off guard and entice you. Diluc is not one for such large displays of public affection but tonight, he seems to be in a very different mood. Perhaps it has something to do with your dress choice, low cut to give him a lovely glimpse of those breasts he loves to play with and a slit at the side of your leg, showing off a bit of a thigh garter you wear - it may look like a sexy fashion statement but its significance is not lost on either you nor Diluc.

When you had first put it on, he looked as if he was trying to not jump you before heading out. You had grinned and asked if he was alright, and how he had to catch himself and told you no. You love to tease him, after all, the more you tease, the more fun the night becomes. You’ve made it into a personal game to see how long you can tease him before he snaps and drags you off somewhere - he is, at heart, a wild and feral man. The bruises beneath your dress are a testament, how they flourish against your skin, how he always kisses each and everyone of those bruises afterwards. This man truly has your heart as much as you have his. 

He kisses you in no extra fashion, but it seems to get the crowd excited and shouting. Soon enough, Diluc is guiding you down the red carpet again. Your relationship is the envy of all, it is perfect on the outside. Every gossip magazine, every bit of celebrity following always brings the two of you up as the ideal couple. But oh, if they knew what happened behind closed doors, you wonder if the perception would be different.

"Mr. Ragnivindr, can you tell us about your latest invention?" Someone calls, and he stops walking again and looks at them. He inclines his head to you, a small frown on those plump lips of his and you think of better uses for his mouth than talking to someone.

"She's the brains behind it, she is, after all, the smart one." He answers. "I'm merely here to...indulge. In the future, please direct questions to her."

You blush and shake your head. "Oh, Diluc," you gently admonish with a soft giggle. "Don't be so humble."

"Is honesty being humble?" He returns as he kisses you again. All for show, and you realize that he brought you along just to show you off. "I am merely stating the truth, my beloved."

With that, he hurries the two of you inside - no longer wanting to interact with a crowd of faceless strangers. Inside is much quieter, with less flashing lights and people calling out. Everyone who are all big names are at this party, all wanting to social climb or make some sort of connection.

Socializing takes all of your battery with these folks, but you do it with ease and Diluc could not look prouder. Though on occasion, you do flirt with another guy or chat them up, laughing at horrible jokes. This is just a game the two of you play - you would never be unfaithful to Diluc, but you do like to rile him up. Get him to let go of that picture perfect image he tries to maintain.

You sip at the wine that is available and sigh. You stepped away from the crowds of people to get a breather - you're certain your face will break in half if you have to keep grinning. Man, how you long to be at home, curled up on the couch with a good book while some show plays in the background. (The other option is something you want to banish from your head, but your husband being in proximity does not help you in doing so.)

"This wine isn't very sweet," you murmur as you take another sip. "It's very disappointing."

"My apologies that what we have created does not meet your palate," Diluc says - you're uncertain if he's being sarcastic or not but you grin.

"You better be sorry. You know I never settle for anything less."

He scoffs and chuckles a little bit, pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I will be sure to only cater to your picky tastes in the future, my love." You snag some chocolate from a silver platter that's being carried around by some of the staff.

"Y'know," you say as you take a bite of the food. "Chocolate and wine make for an interesting aphrodisiac." He gives a soft hum in response as you hold up the remainder of the snack to him - your eyes widen when he accepts the food, but also takes your fingers into your mouth. You stifle a gasp as he sucks on your fingers and swirls his tongue around. Your cunt clenches, wishing his mouth were working somewhere else that's not your fingers.

To the outside, the two of you look like a cute couple doing something stupid and cute. More gossip for folks in the morning. Your heart pounds in your chest - you know exactly what message he is sending to you.

Especially when he releases your fingers from his mouth with a wet pop, but keeps a firm grip on your wrist as he presses a kiss to the palm of your hand. He trails kisses along your inner wrist, stopping short of your elbow. You struggle to recover from this.

"Perhaps we should try that out sometime, then." He murmurs. You step close to him.

"Oh, Diluc, you're hard." you return, your voice just as low. The hunger in his eyes is unmistakable.

"Hmm? Oh, well - perhaps then, too, you should stop being a tease." Diluc is a very patient man, up until a point. It's working then, you think. An idea pops into your head as you set the empty glass down. "Are you okay?"

You gently grab his hand and pull him along, weaving through the crowds of people, hellbent on the mission and getting what you want. You find an empty, private bathroom and close the door, locking it. Impeccably clean, at least.

“Are you alright?” Diuc asks again, concern etched on his pretty features. You nod as you pull him into a soft kiss, which he returns with extra fervor - your goal is to get him to lose control for just a little bit. You know, beneath this perfect image, is a very feral man waiting to be unleashed. Your body is canvas, a testament to your secrets. Fingers dexterously unzip his pants, undoing his belt and revealing his cock that still makes your eyes widen. “Oh.” You drop to your knees with ease, giving the head of his cock a soft kiss and he lets out a soft groan. “You are a very naughty girl.” The gasp is very delicious to you.

You hum as you take him further into your mouth until he reaches the back of your throat. You pull back for a moment, teasing the head of his cock for a few minutes and reaching to play a bit with his balls. His fingers perch in your hair. You continue your ministrations on him, making sure to push him further and further until he’s more of a mess than a man, looking down at you with hunger that makes you shiver.

“Quit teasing.” he hisses and you barely listen to him, loving the way his cock fills up your mouth, the way he twitches and trembles. The hands perched in your hair soon enough yank you off, leaving a trail of saliva and precum. You lick your lips and swallow. “You are a tease.” He hisses this as he yanks you to your feet, carefully steadying you before pushing you, face first, against the counter. He snaps the thigh garter and you gasp. “You’re lucky we’re not at home or this would be ending differently.”

His words send a thrill through you and make your cunt clench tighter.

“Well, hopefully, ‘m making this worth not being at home.” You say as he presses against you, his hand snaking up the skirt of your dress. Through the mirror, you watch as his eyes widen as his fingers reach your slit. “Worth your while, right?”

He presses a kiss at the crook of your neck. “You are…” Diluc bites your shoulder. “Something else.”

You let out a soft laugh and it turns into a soft moan as fingers slip inside of you - he teases you this time, pumping his fingers in and out while his thumb rubs your clit - he never presses too hard but he certainly pinches every so often. You come around his fingers with a shudder as he finger fucks you, his teeth digging into your neck again.

Diluc pulls away briefly, allowing you a moment of respite - his hungry red eyes gaze down into yours. He looks wild, feral almost.

There’s a momentary pause before he’s lifting you up and hoisting you onto the bathroom counter. Diluc forces your legs to remain open, exposing yourself to him and he licks his lips. He gives your cunt another firm strike before bending down and pressing a soft kiss to it.

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

“Yes.”

“Beg.”

This is your penance for being a tease, you think. Your thoughts are cut off by another strike, this time a bit lighter and you whimper. The head of his cock teases you, and all you can think about is him filling you up, bouncing you on his dick, filling you up - you wish to be stretched and owned and bitten and loved.

“Please, please, please-” You whine.

“Please what?”

You swallow. “Please fuck me, sir.”

Diluc smiles. He is pleased and he kisses you on the lips briefly before shoving himself inside of you - to the hilt. At first, you tense up, moaning in desperation at such an action. At first, he is deceptively gentle - pulling out slowly and carefully thrusting back in. His pace picks up and all you’re able to do is wrap your arms around his shoulders as he fucks you mercilessly - his cock feels so good and you squeeze around him.

“Gonna - breed you -” he rasps against your ear. You clench tighter. “Make sure everyone knows when they see you round and plump with my child.”

He continues to bite and suck at your neck, public appearance be damned, and you’re sure you’re noisier than the music at this rich person’s party. Diluc groans against your skin as he cums inside, easily filling you up and you nearly tighten your legs to keep him in place.

Diluc slowly pulls out, some semen dripping out of your pussy and it’s obscene, even more so when he starts shoving some back inside of you.

“We should clean up.” You murmur after a moment. “Head back.”

“Mm.” He’s biting at your breasts now, clearly no longer interested in the party. “Let’s head home, actually.” The two of you do your best to clean yourselves up, before he’s guiding you out of the bathroom and away from the ballroom. “Family emergency.” Is all he tells people with inquisitive, inquiring gazes.

The cold air outside is welcome against your flushed skin but you don’t have long to relish in it before he’s shoving you into the back of the limo and rolling up the privacy divider as he climbs on top of you while the door behind him slams shut.

The dress of your skirt is hiked up and he is pulling down your top again, lips returning to the soft skin of your breasts, hands kneading the other one.

“I’m not done with you yet.” Diluc rumbles.

[bonefall]

You can ignore this but I was just curious. What are your thoughts on redemption? I know modern day it means "character gets absolved of all wrongdoing and sin, and everyone forgives them yay!" But I'm talking more like, redemption as "Character acknowledges their actions and worldview was shitty, has apologized to all harmed parties, some forgive and some don't, but regardless character works on their issues and strives to become better"

I know characters are writing tools, so the message here would, in short, be "No matter what you can still work to be a better person". So I suppose I'm asking to what extent you agree. Sorry if this ask is everywhere I'm very sick at the moment.

I speak harshly of redemption arcs because I am actually an aficionado. I love them. I can't get enough of them, honestly. They're like eggs to me, I like 'em in all sorts of ways, devilled, omeletted, scrambled, but rotten ones are so bad you've gotta get rid of them immediately.

What often ends up setting me off about how redemption arcs are approached (and discussed) is the pervasive fact that people are more interested in sorrowful abusers than messy victims. They'll turn out to gush about how wonderful it is that Clear Sky cries about how sad murdering women made him, while not even recognizing Star Flower is self-destructing or Thunder is deflecting and misplacing.

It's like... even in fandom you will never get away from it. Your abuser is compelling and complex (meaning "was mean and sad at the same time"), and you're whiny and annoying ("ugh why is this traumatized person doing irrational things?! Don't they ever learn?!")

So when I write and when I talk, victims are always forefront in my mind. I'm really tired of stories that center Good Intentions or "but they loved you"

But anyway, digressing,

I agree. It really is never too late to work to be a better person. It's not even about apologizing, or making up for it, because sometimes you can't. "Sorry" will never undo what happened, and "sorry" doesn't even promise that real change is behind it.

So to me, a good redemption is just about exploring change.

Not suffering, I don't entirely like the idea that pain fixes pain, because it really doesn't. Reflection does. Genuinely understanding what was wrong and why you did it does. In spite of how cathartic it is to see someone get karma, I do hope that 99% of all people could be rehabilitated.

It's why I'm not fond of the phrasing where people want to deny redemption arcs because "they don't deserve it.' The WORLD deserves it. The people they will HELP deserve it. The person they will be deserves it. The question really is-- WOULD they change?

And the answer for powerful people is usually no. Power feels good. Gets you what you immediately want, makes it easy to surround yourself with yesmen who reinforce your excuses.

I think most people want to see others get better, but it's cathartic to me when some characters don't. Redemption arcs are wonderful things, but shouldn't be seen as the IDEAL ending for every villain, y'know?

[edelfie]

#𝓣𝗔𝗦𝗧𝗘! wannabe chart topper.

there is a certain sense of degradation and shame that comes with being a well-known industry figure not for what you create, but for how terrible you seem to be at it. no matter what genre or style it seems you just haven’t got the midas touch. your friends aren’t gonna let that stop you from doing the thing you love—no, not creating music, silly! publicly shaming your exes through song!

or, there is no better cure for heartache than money, revenge, and clout (in that order).

POST CREDITS! —

There's a heavy sigh that escapes Asahi's lips as he closes out from the group chat. Normally the mood isn't so...dour, and the seldom times it is it appears to be a product of his own doing. Yet to see you, especially, so downtrodden upset him. Asahi knows that everyone becomes sad for one reason or another, naturally, but the ever-confident Y/N L/N being insecure? Unfathomable, he declares.

From the day he met you, you have been a rock. Not just in his life, but also in his idealized version of you. Of everyone in the group, you had one of the bigger personalities—it was hard to know for sure if yours was the biggest when Tendou is being...Tendou. Regardless, you always carried yourself like you knew you could buy the entirety of Japan with your pocket change.

You couldn’t, of course—you didn’t even come close. But the unwavering confidence you held in that you could was admirable, if not slightly arrogant. In Asahi’s mind though, it took a certain type of person to be selfish, headstrong, self-centered. And to pull it off so well that he didn’t even hate them? He had to give flowers where they’re due.

And if you're none of those things, you're a damn good actor—and maybe that's part of your "star power" too. You had him fooled, and he's sure you'll fool the entire world too. So, with a bit of selfishness, he'll continue to remain by your side and push you into the limelight so he can bask in that aura once more. Even when he knows it isn't real.

You are a rock, the one which holds their entire rag-tag group together. You are the post in which the ship hauls their anchor upon. You are the jagged edges which cut through those who earn your ire, drawing blood. You are softened by the crashing tides which erode at your exterior. You really are special, and he can't imagine you being anyone else.

"Oi, are you still listening?"

Asahi snaps to attention. He had completely forgot he was on the phone with Yuu, so absorbed with his thoughts. The lack of sleep was also likely to blame as he teetered from left to right, eyes hovering open just a crack. Still, he makes a great effort to not look like he was totally spacing out.

"Ah, yeah I am! Sorry..."

"Right," Yuu drags the word on for a few seconds "Anyways, like I was saying..."

NOTES! —

Rise and shine (ursine)! Today is a new day, and I'm aiming to double post today, so be on the lookout for that! Ah, but don't hold me accountable if I don't either—I get out from my classes late today and commute in peak traffic, so the second chapter may be released wayyyy later today or not at all (until tomorrow that is wkwk). Anyways, today's fundraiser goes towards supporting Rachel Pikrel-Hawkins and her children in Colorado.

Rachel's ex husband, Michael Hawkins, is a retired police sergeant and convicted felon and sex offender for the continuous rape and sexual assault of his daughter and two adopted daughters. However, he is free from custody while Rachel is in jail for objecting to court-ordered reunification therapy between Michael and two of their sons. The case is beyond horrifying and revolting, and I recommend reading into it further in the description of the GoFundMe page. If you are able to assist Rachel in paying for attorneys to defend her and her children in court, please consider donating here and sharing their story with others.

If you’ve noticed, the “blind items” section looks different today! That’s because it’s supposed to be an in-universe bonus section for gossip and rumors, usually about what happened in the screenshots. However for this conversation, obviously nobody is telling any gossip pages about this, so I replaced it with “Post Credits”! Now whenever there are no blind items, this section will appear instead and will detail the inner thoughts, feelings, and opinions of the characters—or, just anything that didn't make the cut. These are all still canonical, but weren't included in the chapter for a platitude of reasons (conflicting pov, limited time, etc.) Please take these crumbs of writing as a sign of my gratitude for all you readers!

PREV + MASTERLIST + NEXT

© all rights reserved—edelfie (2024) // do not plagiarize, modify, copy, use, translate, or repost my work on other sites without permission

[smolwritingchick]

The Bangtan Gal Masterlist

Author's Note: Hey! I wrote this story back in 2016 on some fanfic websites and am bringing it back as I edit the chapters. I wanted to put my perspective and imagination on what if BTS had a black girl in their group from America. This'll be a long story starting from their debut so enjoy the ride!

I have so many chapters already written. I had stopped in the story around late 2016 before the MAMA Awards. As I wrote this story over the years I wanted this character to be relatable and grow as a performer as well as go through hardships. It'll be a slow start but it will get better as the chapters go on, I hope you give it a chance.

This will mainly start with friendship. Not just the character and the love interest. I didn't want to rush things and I tried my best to add a lot of bonding and cute moments. This is a SLOW BURN with my OC and Jungkook. The two will not become a couple until 2016.

I'm also on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own

----

Profile Of Jennie

Chapter 1- The Foreign Trainee

Chapter 2- The Debut

Chapter 3- Rookie King Episode 1

Chapter 4- Rookie King Episode 2

Chapter 5- Rookie King Episode 3

Chapter 6- Rookie King Episode 4

Chapter 7- Rookie King Episode 5

Chapter 8- Rookie King Episode 6

Chapter 9- Rookie King Episode 7

Chapter 10- Rookie King Episode 8

Chapter 11- We're Proud of You

Chapter 12- They're My Family

Chapter 13- Boy In Luv

Chapter 14- Look Forward To White Day

Chapter 15- Going to SOPA

Chapter 16- Spending White Day With BTS

Chapter 17- Just One Day

Chapter 18- American Hustle Life Episode 1

Chapter 19- American Hustle Life Episode 2

Chapter 20- American Hustle Life Episode 3 (Yoongi Fluff & Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 21- American Hustle Life Episode 4 (Yoongi Fluff!)

Chapter 22- American Hustle Life Episode 5

Chapter 23- American Hustle Life Episode 6

Chapter 24- American Hustle Life Episode 7

Chapter 25- I Found It In Big Hit

Chapter 26- BTS China Job

Chapter 27- KCON 2014

Chapter 28- American Hustle Life Episode 8

Chapter 29- Personal Trainer? (Jungkook fluff at the end!)

Chapter 30- War of Hormone (Major Jungkook fluff! One of my favs)

Chapter 31- You Are Special (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 32- You're Easy To Mess With

Chapter 33- Mama Awards 2014 (Jungkook fluff and jealous Jungkook!)

Chapter 34- Let's Name It Iron Man (Namjoon fluff and Jungkook fluff)

Chapter 35- BTS Now

Chapter 36- My Ideal Type

Chapter 37- Running Man (Major Jungkook fluff! One of my favs!)

Chapter 38- I'm Lacking

Chapter 39- How Much You're Loved

Chapter 40- I Need U (Major Jungkook Fluff and Suga Fluff!)

Chapter 41- And What If I Don't? (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 42- BTS Now 2

Chapter 43- Our First Win

Chapter 44- He's Smitten (Major Jungkook Fluff & Bam Bam Fluff One of my favs!)

Chapter 45- BTS in Kota Kinabalu

Chapter 46- BTS Festa

Chapter 47- Two Different Pages (RM Fluff and Jungkook Fluff!)

Chapter 48- Don't Steal The Beef!

Chapter 49- Distressed (Jungkook Fluff!)

Chapter 50- Payback (Jungkook Fluff!)

Chapter 51- Dope

Chapter 52- One Person Won't Ruin This

Chapter 53- I Think I Love Her

Chapter 54- Rekindle (MAJOR Jungkook fluff and one of my FAVS!)

Chapter 55- BTS Run Episodes 1-3

Chapter 56- BTS GAYO Track 1 & 2

Chapter 57- Tension Escalator (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 58- Fan Sign (some angst but ends in fluff!)

Chapter 59- ISAC 2015 Chuseok Special (one of my favs!)

Chapter 60- Running Man: The Golden Duo (MAJOR Jungkook fluff + suggestive)

Chapter 61- Tense (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 62- Protection Squad (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 63- RUN (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 64- Sweet 18

Chapter 65- Karma (Fight! Flawless Victory!)

Chapter 66- BTS GAYO Tracks 3-9

Chapter 67- BTS RUN Episodes 4-9

Chapter 68- Under The Mistletoe (Jungkook fluff! Kiss!)

Chapter 69- GAYO Daechukje & GAYO Daejejun (Jungkook fluff!)

Chapter 70- Jungkook's Confession (Self Explanatory! MAJOR Jungkook fluff! Almost there! My fav!!)

Chapter 71- You Are In Your Feelings

Chapter 72- You Were Worth The Wait (Start of JenKook!)

Chapter 73- It's About Time

Chapter 74- King of Masked Singer

Chapter 75- Ejected

Chapter 76- White Day (Big Jungkook Fluff!)

Chapter 77- Fire

Chapter 78- Prom (Big Jungkook fluff and smol Jungkook Smut)

Chapter 79- Meeting Shawn Mendes

Chapter 80- Taking Things A Little Further (Jungkook fluff)

Chapter 81- BTS Festa 2016

Chapter 82- K-Con 2016

Chapter 83- I Need You On This

Chapter 84- BTS Bon Voyage Season 1 (Big Jungkook fluff)

Chapter 85- BTS In Dubai

Chapter 86- WINGS 8 (Jungkook fluff)

Chapter 87- Wild N Out (One of my favs!)

Chapter 88- This Is Not A Drill!

Chapter 89- Blood, Sweat, & Tears

Chapter 90- Idol Parents? (Big JK Fluff)

Chapter 91- Tub Big Enough For Two (Big JK Fluff! One of my favs!)

Chapter 92- Thank You (Big Jungkook Fluff! One of my favs!)

Chapter 93- Our First Time (Big Jungkook Fluff + Smut)

The Bangtan Gal Masterlist PART 2

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

on one hand i know why like in online autistic space, people are really against assuming support needs online. because sure what put online is only a fraction of experience. some only want post positive things. and other people mask difficulties so appear better off than actually are, etc. know all that!

but issue comes when… there is consistent pattern of a specific type of lower support needs (LSN) autistic generalizing their LSN experience, pathologize every little experience as autism, spread misinfo, use aspie supremacist rhetoric,

erase higher support needs (HrSN) autistic experience, speaking over us, perpetuate extremely harmful ableism against us, do not reflect own privilege, pose self as most oppressed,

and misusing support needs label

and it’s important to note that it’s mostly being done by (a specific group of) lower support needs autistic. because they have more communication abilities, more self advocacy abilities or more able to learn self advocate, more independence, more closer to the mythical “neurotypicality” ideal, more able to mask, etc etc… loudest, most majority, most listened to.

“how dare you assume my support needs when you don’t know me” has been conveniently used as a shield to free them of responsibility. “if conveniently don’t mention that have lower support needs, or have level 1 autism, then they can’t criticize me of perpetuating aspie supremacy can’t criticize me of not reflecting on my LSN advantage, and i can become the victim and escape accountability.”

and. another layer of issue is. some of them genuinely think they high support needs or have substantial support needs because they need support and don’t have needs met. when they’re… not.

i have been putting off addressing this topic because i don’t want a slippery slope to fake claiming, or give off “i know you more than you” because i don’t.

but. i know the autism spectrum more than them. i know the support needs spectrum and autism levels more than you. and maybe even most important, i know what i don’t know about these topics more than you.

yes, HrSN autistics can achieve great things, as much or maybe even more than LSN and nonautistic nondisabled people.

yes, some HrSN autistics can speak relatively fluidly. some HrSN autistics may be able to mask. some HrSN autistic may be not as visible HrSN/autistic every single second of day—less likely, but who am i to generalize?

BUT. and i have addressed this over and over and over again in my posts. being HrSN is not just about needing help with “eating” (and by eating they mean cooking and not actually feeding), reminder to shower, budgeting, getting groceries, some of the time. being level 2/3 is not just about other people think you “weird” sometimes, or meltdown once in a while (like weeks apart).

overwhelmingly more HrSN autistics struggle with masking or unable to mask at all, with most or all communication, living independently is often not even an option to consider for us, can’t hold job (mayybe unless very specific employment support), visibly autistic, visibly disabled.—as in, you can tell. strangers can tell.

for many of us, there is no reasonable deniability, there’s no benefit of the doubt, there’s no hiding.

for many of us, we are concerned and focusing on basic living skills.

and i’m trying to be generous here. i’m trying to give these people & behavior i’m critiquing the benefit of the doubt. there are harsher things i want to say that im holding off right now.

not saying there’s nothing wrong with assuming support needs. not saying we should all start random assign internet people support needs labels.

but there is nuance. some people don’t like that nuance tho because it not in their favor and they can’t play victim anymore

[ladykettlechips]

Update Time~

Good evening from the land of kettle chips, crumpets and scones! This update comes to you guys as a way of apologising for my absence in writing lately. Life is a little more hectic right now and, while I have a right to choose to keep you guys out of the loop and update my fics as and when I please, I have stated before that I like transparency. Though I don't reveal everything, I do want you guys to be somewhat aware of why I'm not updating and where I'm at currently in life. First and foremost, I have healed considerably from the work trauma I experienced. Though I am not fully healed from it, I am doing a lot better mentally these days. It has helped me a lot to stay away from work for a little bit and while I definitely worried about money every now and again, I can confidently say that leaving that place was the best thing for me. Secondly, I have a new job. I have been training for said job recently while also working part-time at another job. Do I think this will be a permanent fixture in my life? Not at all, but for the moment it is ideal in regard to earning money to keep me going in life (and fuelling my addiction to perfume, sweets and travel).

Thirdly: Travel. I have some trips coming up, all planned prior to me leaving the Trauma Job. In the past few weeks I have been focusing on sorting those out, hence why you aren't seeing anything from me writing wise lately. It's been a big focus of mine, especially as one of the two trips I'm taking is very soon.

Fourth: I finished editing a book for someone! I won't be displaying the title or author here because of privacy reasons, but this is something I could have only ever dreamed of, but helping others see their stories grow under my editing is something I have desired to do since leaving University. I truly love editing so much. Thankfully, the person I edited for wants me to help with their future books, as well as help to re-edit their previous books (the beauty of self-publishing!). It was hard work, and life kept me from editing for a while, but I'm so happy to see that the author was happy with me as an editor and that they want to work with me again. Hopefully this spurs me on to look into freelancing down the line.

So yes, this is mostly why I've been quiet in writing. I'm doing bits and pieces here and there, but nothing that will finish a chapter or oneshot. I am sorry for not updating anything on AO3 to a point where some of you might think I've left the fandom, but I haven't. I'm just focusing on things that are happening in my own world right now and prioritising myself for a bit.

Finally, before I sign this off, I sincerely hope that you are all happy and well and taking care of yourselves. Though I am less present, I am aware that there's been some frustrations going on within the fandom right now, but please remember to be courteous of one another and to remember that this is simply a fandom, not real life. Please don't get too upset by rumours, and please don't allow it to affect how you function in real life. It's all well and good to love something so much, but when fandom leaks into real life and affects those who aren't within the fandom or the actors portraying our favourite characters, it becomes unhealthy.

Thank you for reading, precious bean hive. I love you all. LKC

[system-of-a-feather]

Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

-----

Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

[crimeronan]

Would love so so much for you to elaborate on the happiest looks for the oc quartet and what took you by surprise about them and what you think each of them conveys/implies. Sol I'm seeing longer hair and more comfortable less exposing clothing, etc, but can you talk a little about what each of their happiest option looks means and how it took you by surprise and how it contrasts with the reality and why it would be them at their best? thank you!! if you do

oh this is so sweet 🥺 thank u for permission to infodump about my guys.....

reference images here!

i often joke that devin and i have the same gender feelings in opposite directions, which basically boil down to, "i know i'd be a lot happier with my body on prescription hormones, but i am Way too sick right now to give a fuck."

so like. a happier devin is one who's been on E for years and grown her hair out for just as long. i was taken by surprise by Just How Femme she was (...similar to me having some weird masc revelations doing the same exercise for my idealized self).

also was mildly surprised that her clothing remained exactly the same as in the main verse. i played around with all the other clothing options, but a black tank top + ratty pants + bare feet are all Quintessential Devin Items.

the very visible scarring is bc she's never cared if people see that her body is fucked up & i want that to be true in the happy timeline too.

ruby's surprised me in that i didn't have to change much at all to get her Idealized External Self. she's already pretty true to what brings her joy. in professional environments, her clothes are much more muted, but everything she's wearing could come out of her non-work wardrobe.

her hair is worn fluffy instead of in box braids because she would Love to dye her natural hair like this. however she does Not love the need to carve out time and motivation to maintain it every damn day for the rest of fucking eternity, so. box braids it is!

also important is that ruby isn't wearing anything practical. those sandals aren't safe for difficult hikes/on-your-feet labor. that skirt is a massive mound of fabric. that jewelry gets in the way, that shirt has no armoring or support, she hasn't prioritized pockets or a practical bag or hidden defense weapons or anything. this ruby is free of basically all of the responsibility and weight dragging her main timeline self down

sol's long hair surprised me -- she had long hair when she was much younger & she has not wanted to grow it out again for trauma reasons. but she likes it better long. so a long-haired sol is one who's overcome at least some of her trauma. her hair has been silver since birth but the white streaks signify that she's aging gracefully & older than she ever expected to become

as for her clothes, it's comfy athletic wear that she's wearing for the sake of mobility and comfort. (with the red-and-black shoes to sneak in a little of her murder aesthetic.) in the main timeline, she'd SAY that she dresses for herself, but the amount of sharp & tailored & restrictive clothing she wears is.... Definitely for other people. or at least, it's for preserving her own image toward other people.

and then transmasc butch nova. LMAO. GOD.

main timeline nova puts an insane amount of effort into "i'm a pretty barbie girl <333" and has sunk So Much of her self-worth into being blonde and blue-eyed and glowing and gorgeous. she also has watercolor sleeve tattoos, but when i did her full-body picrew tats, black ink felt..... more correct. like. what would your tats look like if you weren't a Rainbow Goddess of Light

and then the rest of it is also very. what would you be if you weren't a Rainbow Goddess of Light. if you take away all the Rainbow Goddess of Light features, nova is.... desperately unhappy. and desperately compensating for something. and i think having top surgery and working as a butch car mechanic somewhere would fix her.

as for the pink shoes and hot topic jewelry, that's just bc i think nova would find it fun to do gnc nonsense. nova-without-divinity isn't A Man or fully married to doing Man Things... i feel like it would be wrong for her to just go as gung-ho for performative masculinity as her main timeline self does for performative femininity. nova-without-divinity is wearing whatever she wants and looking however she wants and being hilarious and delightful while she does it <3 god bless.

[spitblaze]

Tumblr fucking sucks ass and I'm not joking. I think I might hate this place actually. I hate the shitty circular queer discourse that ALWAYS assumes malice or disgust and nobody is given the benefit of the doubt and if they do are also presumed guilty, I hate that every single statement needs to be couched in qualifiers and conditions and speaking on One Topic about One Group is not fucking allowed, I hate that this website has built a transphobic surveillance culture around itself, I hate that people will see ONE POST that sucks and spend the next several months publicly ruminating over it and extending the discourse long after it's run its course and assuming the worst about everyone involved, I hate that seven out of ten posts about feminism are made by the terfs who run rampant on this site and have nothing better to do than spew vitriol and hate because they don't care to develop the emotional maturity to see anything from a point of view other than their own, I hate that the moment a transgender person dares to have sexual wants and desires outside of the vanilla ideal you’re a freak and a deviant and a pedophile somehow, I hate that for SO LONG we let depressed anti-recovery teenagers dominate the attitude regarding mental health and self-improvement here and it has had lasting effects TO THIS DAY, I hate that as the internet has gotten meaner and crueller and less accommodating that the place that loves to pat itself on the back for its openness and tolerance has 100000% followed suit, I hate that every single fucking topic is dominated by overconfident white shutins who do not talk to other people irl let alone queer ones, I hate how every interesting and important topic of social justice is co-opted and bastardized into an unrecognizable cudgel that only further enforces the status quo rather than challenging it as they're meant to, I hate how often the gender binary is re-invented and deviations from it are punished, I hate that we love to say shit like 'be cringe be free uwu' but the second a member of the cringe queers du jour makes something twee or says something stupid everyone jumps on the dogpile to talk about how that entire group should be prevented from speaking or making art or associating with REAL queers, I hate that making points about double standards and discrimination always involves using people we should be in solidarity with as a gotcha if not throwing them directly under the bus, I hate that for all the talk about engagement with fandom we have nobody ever decides to actually examine their engagement thereof and how so much of it is still a cesspool to this day, I hate how everyone makes such huge generalizations and expects everyone to agree (guilty but I'm pissed), I hate how people take fucking everything personally (including myself), I hate that people are going to read this and get mad at me because everyone here has worse reading comprehension than the average fifth grader, I hate that people cannot self-express without other people getting indignant because they didn't see themselves in it, I hate that the only other regularly inhabited parts of the internet anymore are fifty times worse about ALL of this, I hate how much of a fucking nightmare for my mental health this has become, I hate that people are probably gonna give me sarcastic or smug 'yeah you should probably just log off king's in the comments or to me personally, I hate how much of this I personally am guilty of, and I especially hate that I'm still fucking here.

[etirabys]

on email

I put off wedding planning with the expectation that I would do a terrible but functional job once deadline urgency kicked in. This has started to happen. One consequence is that I have (probably but hopefully not temporarily) had to become a timely emailer.

The impetus was procrastinating on clicking a link in an email that it turned out I should have read ideally acted upon immediately. This is an embarrassing but characteristic mistake – my habit with emails is to open them, get a fast (and sometimes wrong) impression of the contents, have the emotion of not wanting to deal with it, and marking it as unread. I do this with a lot of non-email messages across all platforms, too, with the result that I drop a lot of messages that I forget to or can't mark as unread again.

I knew perfectly well what a loathsome creature I am to do this, but Willpower did not work.

I've been much faster with all messages in the past week and will describe what I understand of the change, so that it will hopefully persist.

(A prerequisite: for many years I have unsubscribed from, filtered, or blocked unwelcome senders. I try not to give out my email address for any reward greater than $20.)

i. I had to radically accept that I am tired and stupid most of the time.

Radical acceptance is a concept from mindfulness / dialectical behavioral therapy, and mostly means the opposite of "trying to believe something that isn't true". It means understanding and accepting your actual circumstances without flinching from them, and acting in a way that actually achieves your goals in those circumstances.

So it turns out – in some part because my expectations for myself haven't adjusted from my pre-burnout days when I had more energy and a better memory – that I put off things because "I can tell I'm dumb right now, and if I try to book this flight I'll probably double-book myself even if I check my calendar three times, and I should do this when I'm more awake." Or "I shouldn't resume this conversation about an art commission, because I don't feel all here today and I'm probably going to mess up the conversation". Or, of course, "I shouldn't make this decision the wedding planner is asking me about right now, because I'll make the wrong one."

While there is variance in my mental abilities depending sleep and time of day and so forth, I almost never pass the bar of cognitive competence I implicitly set for making these decisions. So if I keep the bar where it is, I'm never going to get anything done.

I have to radically accept that I am (compared to when I was younger) tired and stupid all the time, and I still need to live my life. I need to double-book myself and then pay $20 to reschedule my flight, arrange for a tasting with a caterer that doesn't meet a desideratum my spouse told me about, join a reading group I'm too busy for and then leave, get on a call that I forgot to do research for beforehand... etc.

And: I have to respond to emails and messages approximately as soon as I see them, because "my future self who will make informed decisions about things I cannot" is an illusion.

ii. Conversely, I should never check messages when I'm not prepared to make respond to arbitrary textual stimuli.

I used to check my email or messages when I was bored. This makes no sense! The contents of my email inbox are determined by the decisions of a large number of other people, and could contain anything. It is this variance that makes this addictive, and it is also this variance that makes it important to read it when I have the wherewithal to react appropriately.

I don't want to keep training myself into being the kind of person who repeatedly clicks and unreads a scary medical bill email. To stop that behavior, I want to have a mindset of "if one of my emails is a scary medical bill email, I am willing to read the whole thing, think about it, and take the appropriate next action" whenever I am about to navigate to my inbox.

The same goes for clicking into Discord or Messenger, because I need a similar presence of mind to react to invitations to high-effort social events, requests for help I may not be able to give, requests for information I need to think about before providing, etc.

The important thing is to not mix actionables with entertainment. I need mental separation between those two, because perceiving personal pings as a subset of social media notifications made me treat them more passively. "Oh, huh, a decision to join a Paradise Lost reading group is on TV. Interesting. Now an ad..."

---

I expect to backslide on my improved response rate/quality once I'm done with the wedding, but hopefully writing the above will act as the strut of a dam.

[desultory-suggestions]

Hi, I don't know why I've come to this corner of the internet but I'm desperate so thought to leave an ask... anything on the situation when you're so far into being depressed (and chronically ill on top of that) that your brain just wants to destroy you until the end and self sabotage and you know you should fight against it but have no strength & don't know where to even start and seek help, I just want it to be over, I don't want it to hurt anymore, I don't want to watch my friends and family worry because of me, logically some part of my brain knows I should fight back but literally can't even be bothered to try to get better and it's such a mess and ugh

Hello, dear. This is absolutely the right place to come, and I am so glad that you did. Fighting depression is a term that implies a lot of strength and confidence. In reality, recovering from depression is a combination of incremental changes and occasional leaps. In my experience, you gain momentum in recovery. However, the beginning feels torturous! It is so hard to see the progress we are making.

So how does it start? Finding a reason can be important, but it's also important to know you don't need one. If you want to you can just do it because. Often when I am struggling with food, anxiety, guilt my affirmation is simply "I can do whatever I want forever." It's silly, and it works. There are also, a multitude of reasons. You said a few, and here are some:

For your family and friends

For your pet(s) or other creatures

To see a movie/show/game that will be released, or to finish one

To care for a plant

To see what's possible if you do

For your dreams, even if they feel impossible. Why not try?

When it comes to action, there are a few options. You said you don't know where to start, and that is totally normal. Here are some actions that I qualify as leaps:

Make an appointment for therapy, even if you don't see the point.

Speak to your doctor about medication options, and give them a try.

Speak to close friends and family candidly about how you are feeling. It can be a letter, text, in person conversation, phone call, etc. Tell them what you are dealing with, and allow them to offer support.

These leaps can take time to build up to, and after completing one (even just making the appointment) you may be exhausted. That is okay! They are leaps, and you will need rest. Leaps are also often farther apart, whether days or weeks. Incremental change is part of how we recover from leaps. Here are some smaller options that can be utilized:

Gradually put together items and activities of comfort. These can serve as a self care kit for bad days. Items make include blankets, candy/snacks, journals, stim toys, art, etc. Activities can include a playlist, a journaling prompt, a small game, a list of favorite movies. You can intentionally make this a kit, or keep a list of these items on paper to remind you that they're there.

If we are going to struggle, we can at least try to make the space where we are comforting. Consider your ideals for your room, and your needs. What would be easier? What would be comforting? I put a side table in my room with my toothbrush so I would use it. I also covered my walls in cheap colorful posters that made me happy. It gradually became a safe haven, not a coffin.

Try to do small activities that benefit you. Go for a walk, or just go sit outside. Opening a window is enough. Text a friend even if you can't go out on the town. Sketch, paint, doodle. You don't need inspiration, fill a page with triangles and lines and explore the texture of the activity.

Change how you take care of yourself. Take dishes to the kitchen, even if you can't wash them. Use body wipes to clean yourself up. Keep those mini toothbrushes in your bag.

This point has become diluted by TikTok nonsense, but I'm serious when I encourage romanticizing your life. I mean finding the beauty in it. Little things can go a big way here. Thinking about the beauty of eating your boxed mac and cheese, collecting leaves you find pretty, stopping to truly admire your surroundings. Your life is beautiful, depression hides this but does not erase it.

This is a long list, but not nearly everything. This is also a lot of actions, and it is okay to just need to commiserate. It is just important to know when it is time to brush yourself of and start inching forward. I felt the way you describes for a long time, and I thought I would never recover. Many years down the line I know now I was so wrong. Remember, you can do whatever you want forever, so right now give getting better a go. In the meantime I am always happy to offer support resources. You are loved, and you have a beautiful and joyful life ahead of you.

Evan

[elfhunk]

if i may ramble for a moment:

i need to start volunteering in some youth programs again when my health stuff is sorted out.

i have been dealing with a lot. i am definitely pretty sick in the brain. i will remain private about the gruesome detail, but i have had to check in with myself a lot lately. it hasn't been scary. just a new phase.

but i am walking away with a singular feeling of needing to survive so i can be a better role model for men & boys than they have currently. they deserve better than this.

like... what are their options presently? twitch streamers and youtubers who are affable nice boys? grindset libertarian gym rats & supplement shills? or, y'know, fascists?

or in... increasing frequency, a combination of the three!

in an environment where we mock or patronize even the slightest deviations from hegemonic masculinity to declare carrying a tote bag as fruity.

i can't help but observe a tendency to either minimize yourself into a harmless clown, or become addicted to the pursuit of power & superiority.

i can't help but see people who describe their ideal man as a golden retriever and take pause. a feeling of dread that hits my stomach every time i look in the mirror in the gym bathroom.

i often wonder if anyone wants us to be more than that. i don't know what to do with that feeling. but i know what many other men have done with that feeling. you do, too.

it's not an insignificant piece of how we got here.

i've joked with other people who've worked in youth programs that our job was to keep young white boys from becoming nazis.

and i need to be direct. this is an issue white boys & men are facing. this is our problem.

i am looking at exit poll data and remembering how important that job was.

because i have talked to a lot of boys who still feel like there's no space for them to be a complete human being in contemporary culture.

they feel like their existence is fundamentally harmful, and that the only way to achieve a "positive" masculinity is to ask for nothing and to receive nothing in return. to be stoic and stalwart. to be an impenetrable knight in shining armor with nothing inside. they live in a perpetual state of dimly simmering shame, worried that they are only making the world worse by their existence.

most suffer silently. brief admissions of vulnerability shared usually around some kind of fire. they worry they're burdening their partners with the emotions labor. so they shut up. they man up.

or, they fall prey to the ideology promising them that their rightful place in the world has been stolen. there is a reason they're sad. there's a reason they're angry. the reason is that they no longer have the mandate of heaven. and that it must be reclaimed by force.

and that is why am worried about men.

i want to help. even if i can barely help myself out of these cyclical & self-destructive expectations.

i can't pretend that i am above this as a gay man. it's important that i don't pretend. it's important that i acknowledge the parts of me that beg me to be less of a faggot so i could just fit in and get that power back. i have to shut that part of me up. the parts of me that still fetishize images of male power and domination without a second thought.

i have to start having these conversations with the other men in my life.

there's something really not okay with us.

that's it. thank you for listening, if you are reading the thoughts of one horse who has been without ADHD medication for well over a month but has entered a sort of dissociated zen state.

it's just been the one salient thought i have had all day on the matter.