#i Think she was trying to show us different perspectives and break us out of the conservative-norm viewpoints inherited from our parents

[six-of-ravens]

anyway a post got me thinking about her again so, thank you Mrs Bolton for going out of your way to teach us context and also how to read between the lines and determine perspective and bias in news sources.

i don't think we had to watch that many Michael Moore documentaries for that purpose, but...at least you taught us?

[waltricia]

Regardless of whether anyone actually reads this, I need to show appreciation for the writing, blocking, and editing of the last scene of 3x03, “Forces of Nature.”

Recently, I noticed that the LW line “this author is captivated” was very specifically placed over a shot of Colin and I knew it was intentionally done to convey the double meaning of the narration being about her and him.

Since then, I’ve realized that the same thing is happening throughout that entire LW narration. And it is fucking BRILLIANT.

So, first of all, this is the transcript of the narration:

“This author believes that all of man’s greatest inventions are nothing more than a distraction from what is most natural to us. Our instincts. The innate animal impulse that is inside even the most sophisticated of us. For when all is said and done, our nature will always win out. It seems Lord Debling’s instinct has led this man of nature to the most surprising pick of the season in Miss Penelope Featherington. Suffice it to say, this author is captivated. For in the battle between man and nature, it is quite clear that the battle is in fact between man and himself.”

Now I’m going to break it down with captioned stills so that you can see which words line up with which frames and I’ll explain what I believe it all means.

“This author�� - When it’s first said, it’s on Pen. The second time it’s on Colin. I think there are several meanings here. Firstly, she’s Whistledown and she’s published. He will be, assuming he publishes his travel journals or whatever. Secondly, I think it highlights how they will be united, in the Whistledown storyline along with everything else. There’s a third meaning, but I’m going to get back to it later, once we get to the second use of “this author.”

This is the Innovations Ball, so on the surface, LW is speaking about man-made technology versus the natural world. But with the introduction of “man,” the shot immediately cuts to Colin, so the second layer of the narration is about him. All of Colin’s invented personality traits are a cover, hiding his true self- his sensitivity and his feelings for Pen. Obviously, this echoes what she wrote about him in 3x01, but it’s different. The context is the same, but this time, she’s not speaking directly about him, and really, she may very well not be thinking about him at all in writing it. After all, she still doesn’t know about his feelings for her. But we know. And the feeling of what she’s saying this time is less jarring; more, fittingly, natural. Because he’s starting to confront all of it as well.

In this shot, Colin has been walking across the room to get to Pen. There were people on his right, obstructing his view of her, but as LW says “natural,” Colin passes those people and, though we cannot yet see Pen, we can tell from Colin’s face that he finally clearly can. She is what is most natural to him.

He comes up to her and says that he has a question for her. The narration starts again. But on this shot, it’s only the one word, “our.” Aside from this just being romantic, I think it highlights that the narration is about both of them. But I also think that it’s not just about them. It feels to me as if, metaphorically, it’s written by both of them. Hence, my emphasis on the importance of “this author.”

We cut to our first close-up of Colin in this particular intimate sequence of close-ups. And we’re really in his perspective now, as he’s struggling to manage his feelings.

Again, he had been masking, trying to be like the other “sophisticated” gentlemen.

But a shift is occurring within him.

And this where I really hope there is at least one other person out there paying attention because all of the elements are coming together to tell us something incredible here. We have our beloved Julie Andrews delivering the line with a profound heaviness. We have Kris Bowers’ “Call Me Simon” coming to a close, sounding like a clock striking midnight. And we have the decisive sentiment of the words themselves. I'm convinced that the words “done” and “win out” being said on Pen speak to the finality of Colin’s feelings. If there was uncertainty before, it is gone now and there is no turning back. He is in love with Pen.

But before Colin can say anything else, Debling steps in and takes Pen away to dance.

Side note: Amazingly, I can back up my theory with this shot and another one of my theories:

I had said, when the trailer came out, that when true red shows up behind Colin, that indicates his love for Pen. This is the first time we see that happen.

But anyway, back to Whistledown…

Debling is the literal “man of nature,” while Colin is the metaphoric “man of nature.” Both have picked Pen.

We’ve finally come to the second “this author” and here’s the third thing I wanted to say about it: Possibly my favorite thing about this sequence, is that it acts as a vehicle for the representation of the Polin role reversal. From one end of the Whistledown narration to the other, Pen and Colin literally and metaphorically switch places, seamlessly. They exchange their physical places in the room. She’s the wallflower, then he’s the wallflower. She’s the author, then he’s the author. In a metaphorical sense, they’re both writing this Whistledown piece. This whole sequence serves to show us how Colin and Pen have really been equal this whole time. They’re just star-crossed. It’s like what Luke has been saying in interviews, Colin and Pen keep missing each other. They have brief moments where they eclipse each other and then they slip right past until the next time they orbit around to each other again.

Ok, here’s the final stretch, and it is a fucking fascinating maneuver:

The battle isn’t between Colin and Debling. In fact, Debling doesn’t signify at all here. I’d say there are actually three other battles being referenced: Colin and himself, Pen and herself, and Colin and Pen. The first “man” of that sentence is said on Colin, while “nature” is said on Pen. So in the battle between Colin and Pen- for there is a battle, as Cressida will mention in 3x04 when she says “Eros and Psyche, battling it out”, and also there will be more blatant battling in part 2- the real battles Colin and Pen are facing are the ones within themselves.

Of course I’ve already written about Colin’s battle with himself.

The reference to Pen’s battle with herself is particularly interesting to me. At first, I didn’t see it and I didn’t understand why that bit of the narration was spoken over the Pen and Debling dance instead of over Colin. Then I realized that the second “man” of that sentence is said directly on top of this shot where, again, it’s not about Debling; it’s her face we’re seeing. Then, Debling spins her and the “himself” is on Pen too. And I know I’m right about this because the shot was in the trailer and I watched it so many times. And I noticed that Sam Phillips is very specifically looking away from the camera in this moment. I figured it was because we had to know that the moment was about her. And I was right.

Pen’s journey is her reconciliation with herself. Colin and Pen really have the same inner battles. They both need to drop their masks. That’s why the mirror scene is going to be so important- it’s about exposing and embracing the bare parts of both of them. They are already equal and united. They just need to see it.

Ok that’s it. I’m done. I got it out. And I literally can’t add any more images to this post. To anyone who will have read this fuckin novel I just wrote, thanks for sticking around. These ballroom sequences are particularly difficult for the cast and crew to do, and there is obviously so much complexity in this one, so I feel like it should all be acknowledged. Someone has to acknowledge it, and if that has to be me, I will gladly continue using up my Friday afternoons to do so.

To the cast and crew, to the captain of the season 3 ship, Jess Brownell, to the director, Andrew Ahn, and writer, Eli Wilson Pelton, to everyone’s favorite choreographer/movement director, Jack Murphy, to Luke, Nic, and Julie fuckin Andrews, I see you and I love you. Please keep doing what you’re doing. It’s all worth it. ♥️

[teriri-sayes]

Reactions to The Incomprehensible's Chapter 326

Brief summary: Raon's perspective on the time that Neo exploded. Raon calms down the fluctuating mana, letting everyone use magic. Explosion ends, and the source of the world appears.

==========

We still do not know if Cale's plate actually broke, but the following hints at it:

Cale hadn't fainted yet. He hadn't lost consciousness. Dragon Mila's hands were seen trembling, pulling out thin beige threads, trying to connect it together somehow.

I guess we'll know next chapter the extent of damage Cale's plate has.

As for DHB, we also do not know if he is still alive, but Raon and Eruhaben managed to stop his soul from breaking by casting their shields on him. Cale's frustration at DHB's actions though... 😂

Raon could see his human's mouth open, even though he couldn't see Raon. His human spoke in annoyance. "…Dragon Half-Blood… you bastard, who… won't… even listen… to your name… You must never die……." Raon felt like Cale was talking to himself. "…Do, do you think I'll die, like this……?" Raon grinned at the faint sound of the voice. "As expected of my human!"

Cale and DHB were not the only ones with... um, sacrificial tendencies? Even Eruhaben was fine with dying. 🙁

The dragon bit his lip. He couldn't help but shudder. Cale was- Dragon Half-Blood was- Raon was- With no one knowing what would happen to them all. 'I can't be the one to survive.' If anyone dies, I should be the first one to die. Because- Dust and magic spread out in Eruhaben's hands.

And when the explosion has ended, the source of the world arrived. But... you're late! Why only now?! No, wait... If she's here, could she possibly mend Cale's plate? Cale seems annoyed at her arrival though, because he felt that she was planning on using him as...an air purifier. 🤣🤣🤣

Raon's Present attribute was surprisingly OP. He wanted to change fate, and willed it. He made the mana of the world obey him and stopped it from fluctuating, thus allowing everyone to use mana.

There were lots of touching scenes too. 🥰🥰🥰

What am I supposed to do? Raon turned his head involuntarily. The one I always watched and learned from, yes. You were the first to show me the light of the world. Even the stars in the night sky. From the one who first showed me, I must still learn. Raon tore his gaze away from the explosion and looked at a person. His eyes locked with Cale's.

Cale was truly Raon's dad. 🥰🥰🥰

Toward that light, Raon unleashed his magic. A shield. The best he'd ever done. The most used, the most practiced. The magic he was most confident in. It was a secret, but he thought his human looked the coolest when he used the shield. In other words, Raon had practiced and studied the shield the most. And this shield was the power he needed most right now.

How cute!!! Raon secretly admired his human's silver shield, so he diligently practiced using shield magic. 🥰🥰🥰

Raon looked beyond the translucent black shield to the platinum shattering. The platinum somehow clutching the epicenter of the explosion. The light that seemed unbreakable. No. The light that would fight tooth and nail to keep it from shattering. 'Similar.' Like my human. Me. My family. That light looks like us. That must mean the Dragon Half-Blood is one of us.

This scene too! DHB was family to Raon. 🥰🥰🥰

Raon ignored the blood running down his nose. His head felt hot. He ignored that too. It's not like I want to be like my human. Can we learn from the mistakes of adults? What hurts hurts. What's hard is hard. Raon will be a dragon who knows how to say that, who knows how to stop when he's hurt, who knows how to not push himself too hard. And he will be a dragon who knows how to protect those he loves.

Ahahaha!!! 🤣🤣🤣 Cale, your influence on Raon is just... He's becoming a mini-Cale. Even down to the "it's gonna hurt and be hard, but I'll still do it to protect my loved ones"... 😑

If there was one difference with Cale, it was that Raon believed he was not alone. He stabilized mana in order to let everyone use mana and create shields to protect the castle walls. The scene where all the dragons, ally and enemy alike, created shields to protect everyone from the explosion, and Raon making it all possible, impressed Eruhaben enough to think that Raon was truly like a true Dragon Lord.

Ending Remarks Frankly, I forgot what Cale's plan with the source of the world was. 😂 Neo was dead, but the world was still a mess. Raon only temporarily stabilized the mana, so it would up to our tired and hurt Cale to resolve the fluctuating energies of the world together with the source of the world.

Come to think of it, where's Clopeh in all this? Did he manage to record everything? But what about the moments that time stopped? Will the video recording device capture that too? Next chapter would be Cale creating another legend, in Aipotu this time, so I hope our Clopeh could capture everything for the future Cale museum. 😂

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 7: Are We Old Friends Or Old Enemies?

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter seven of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 5K

Warnings: I'm going to rate this 18+ just to be sure. References to Past Sex, Sexual Innuendo, Cursing, Blood, Guts, Graphic Death, (spoilers?), Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, a little OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Present Day

Your motorcycle crunches loudly against the black gravel driveway outside of Crimson Countess' trailer. It looks worse than you imagined, shoved behind Vought-land, and sprouting out of the ground like a fungus. Not an unusual thought given it's ogre-like inhabitant.

You weren't looking forward to seeing her after all these years, because you knew it wasn't going to end well. Deep down you hoped that she had let go of everything that happened in the past, like you had tried, well, until Butcher and Hughie showed up at your apartment. Then again, you're not sure that you've really let go of everything that happened. Sometimes it felt like you just shoved all your feelings into the deepest darkest part of your brain where they’d been festering for the past forty years.

And ever since Butcher and Hughie showed up, those feelings had been clawing their way out like a banished Titan climbing out of Tartarus.

You think again about driving away. If you saw her, there wouldn't be any going back. You couldn't go in there pretending to be your daughter, you had to be you. Which meant the possibility of losing the life you'd constructed in the aftermath that followed your long superhero career.

Was it worth it? Was Ben worth it?

You sigh considering that thought. After the fight it was difficult to answer that question. If the answer was no, you might as well just leave. But the answer was yes. You hated that after everything that happened between Ben and you, the answer was yes.

And that meant you needed to know the truth, needed to see it in her eyes. Which also meant there was only one choice.

You look around the clearing where the trailer sits. It’s in a circle of trees that filter the setting sunlight through their lofty branches, making patterns on the gravel where weeds and patches of grass break through every few feet like an oasis in a desert. Further down the road to the right you see a collection of empty circus carts that rust onto yellowed grass, rising from the earth to tangle in the wooden wheels of the carts.

At least the trees are pretty. You think to yourself trying to focus on the positive. They were, after all, one of your favorite things to paint.

You consider your apartment downtown, the open floor plan and large windows, very different from how she chose to live her life. Your eyes trace the mobile home thinking back about the fungus analogy.

The trailer was covered with peeling white paint stained black and yellow in some areas where sticky mold had begun to fester against the structure. The rickety porch was rotted, so much so that when you walked across it, it creaked loudly beneath your feet and you stepped around several foot-sized holes, where others had fallen through.

She definitely didn't budget her money well. I wonder how much money she got when she was a hero? I know that my salary wasn't amazing. Ben definitely did better than me because of his films.

Then again, you were living off money from your father, and your grandfather's investments in real estate, not to mention your artwork was selling better than it ever had.

Your knock against the flimsy front door of the mobile home, not using your supe strength, but the entire house still shakes.

Probably wouldn't withstand a thunderstorm. Hopefully she's invested in an umbrella.

No one answers and for a moment you hope that she's not here or she's dead, but just like always you’re disappointed.

"Who the fuck is it?" You hear Countess' familiar voice shout from inside.

A swarm of memories flock across your mind at her voice, but you push them aside.

"Your best friend in the whole world." You respond, before you can stop yourself. Sarcasm was an easy fallback. If your mother was here she'd say that it wasn't ladylike.

Really just disappointing her in every century. The thought makes you happy.

"What?" Countess rips open the door so savagely that you wonder how the door didn't come off in her hand. You watch her eyes widen and her face pale as her gaze lands on you.

Well, that's certainly not a normal reaction to seeing me.

"Y/n?" You hear her heartbeat spike in her chest. "You're-" She sputters to look for the right word.

"Alive? Yes." You smile at her. "Well, aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Um-"

A flash of the last time you saw her comes roaring back. The smug look on her face when you caught her and Ben together, the way her face was flushed bright red, sweat dotting her hairline while he- You clear your throat to stop the memory.

You push past her into the small residence, not waiting for her to invite you, and your nose wrinkles as the smell of sweat and her rancid perfume invade your nostrils. It was barely two rooms, the small kitchen/living room was separated from the bedroom with a red beaded curtain that doesn't hide the unmade bed and clothes covered floor.

This was unusual given the fact that she was wearing her supe suit, complete with cape and mask. It was a little tighter in some places than you remember, her reddish hair reeked of cheap dye, her perfume like a cloud of sulfuric acid, and her pointed, cruel face was more wrinkled that the last time you saw her.

"I'd like to say that this is cute," You turn to look back at her from the small kitchen/living room, that was covered in dirty plates and take-out boxes. "But it's kind of a shit hole, isn't it?"

That was fast. So much for trying to be civil. Too much history I guess.

"What are you doing here?" She keeps her voice calm, but the tempo of her heart suggests otherwise.

Your eyes trace the lines of her face, the wrinkles, the subtle graying of her hair that the dye couldn't cover. "Just thought I'd check in. See how things are going. You definitely didn't age well."

"What the fuck do you want?" She snarls this time.

You can't help but smile at her. Something about this whole situation was utterly ridiculous to you.

She said Ben died. Why am I even here? What did she have to gain from his death? The thought swishes around in your brain. But then why was she afraid when she saw me? You think about all the times you spent watching her manipulate the others on Payback and all the other times you were around her, she never showed fear. Why now?

"I'm here because somebody showed up the other day asking me about Ben." You shrug, running one of your hands against the dirty kitchen countertop examining the tip of your finger as if looking for dust. "And it's funny, because as they were asking me questions I realized that you and I never talked about what happened that day. I mean I heard what you said through Stan and Legend, but I never heard it from you. Thought it was time we had a little heart to heart."

Her pulse spikes again, but she covers it with a smirk. "You want to talk about Ben?" Her voice drips with false sweetness. "Well I'll say this, he was a good fuck. But I'm sure you knew that."

Your entire body goes rigid, remembering the night that you found them together, the night after you finally told him you loved him and he pushed you away.

"I mean, after all, he popped your cherry didn't he? Made you a woman." Countess' smirk turns into a rueful smile. "You definitely waited long enough. Ben told me how long you’d been friends. He told me the sex was so boring, that you were so inexperienced, that he wanted a real woman who could actually please him. A woman who wasn’t quite so-." She sniffs, tapping a bright red fingernail against her hip. “Big.”

Her words are like a slap in the face and you feel the cold disapproval of your mother for the first time in eighty years. The anger that surges up underneath your skin flares hot against your cheeks.

Ben wouldn't have said that about me. He- he knew how special that was for me. He said that he wanted it to be special for me.

You remember how happy he looked when you woke up in his arms the next day, before you said the three little words that you couldn't hold in anymore, the ones that you had wanted to say to him since you were eight.

"Poor little y/n. You worshiped the ground he walked on for so long  and finally he decided to pity fuck you. It’s so sad. You wasted your life pining for someone who will never love you. And you thought you could just come here and intimidate me? You’re still the same little girl who begged Ben to fuck yo-"

Her body flies forward telekinetically into your outstretched hand, that clamps down around her throat.

"But I do intimidate you." Your eyes shift to purple with your display of power. "Your heart rate hasn't dropped below 120 since I got here. So obviously there's a reason why you're afraid of me." She gasps against your hand, but you don't let go. "Tell me what happened that day." Your voice has slipped into a monotone, tinged with rage. “And I promise that I’ll let you live. In what condition, well, that's up to you.”

"I don't have to tell you anything!" She spits, pushing her hands together and sending you flying backward as the ball of fire hits you just under the right side of your rib cage.

There's a high pitched popping sound, an immeasurable amount of pain, and everything goes black.

It wasn't the first time you'd died. You'd heard of other supes being able to come back from the dead, and of course the others like Ben and Homelander who were almost invulnerable to injury, but your gift was different. Yes you had enhanced senses, speed, and strength, which were the original powers that were displayed after you received the injection of Compound V, but there was more to it than that.

It took you the first two deaths to figure it out, and you could remember both clearly.

The first was a few weeks after you took Compound V, when you and Ben were on his tour overseas promoting the might of the United States. It was supposed to be safe. The shot fired from the crowd was meant for Ben, but you pushed him out of the way. It was before you figured out he was bulletproof. Your gut reaction was to protect him as it always was. He ripped the guy in half for what he did and turned back to you. You remembered how he looked, remembered the fear in his eyes he never allowed to break through the façade he wore as Soldier Boy as he held you across his lap, holding a hand against the wound where blood poured freely from your chest. You remembered gazing up at him for what you thought was the last time and then the darkness that followed, welcoming you like an old friend.

And then thirteen seconds later you woke up, gasping for air, the bullet wound healed leaving only a circular scar behind. You didn’t understand at first, it wasn't until you died the second time that you realized how powerful you could be. The second time was Ben's fault, a scorned lover, a telekinetic, with a bone to pick with him. When you got in her way she'd snapped your neck with her powers. But this time when you woke, it was different, you felt different. You could feel her powers stirring beneath your skin, and it wasn't until you flicked her away from Ben that you understood. When you died a normal way you came back after 13 seconds, but when a supe killed you, you came back in 13 seconds with their powers.

You didn’t know why 13 seconds. In fact it was Ben that told you it was exactly 13 seconds, why he knew that you didn't know. It seemed that for everyone else 13 was an unlucky number, but for you it was the difference between life and death, literally. You also didn’t understand why you kept the powers. Sometimes you wondered if when you were killed by a supe your body analyzed how you died, understood it, and then you came back with that forbidden knowledge like you’d just eaten the fruit off the wrong tree. 

Ben was the only one who knew and when anyone asked, you attributed your sudden ability to move things with your mind as something you never used in public. Having that much power scared you. You weren't sure what people or Vought would do if they found out, so you kept it to yourself and so did Ben. Honestly, sometimes you think the reason why he kept it to himself was because he didn’t want anyone to be more powerful than him, but you didn’t care about the abilities. You didn’t think you were a god despite Vought’s constant worship and praise. If anything, you felt closer to hell and in a binding contract with the devil.

Exactly thirteen seconds later, you sit up from the floor completely healed while Countess stands there over you, a horrified look on her face. She'd never seen you die before.

"Did you just try to kill me Countess?" You ask.

She puts her hands together to shoot another fireball, but you make a motion with your hand to that flicks her away. Her body soars backward illuminated in the purple glow that manifests with your telekinesis, into the small hallway that leads to the bathroom on the other side of the mobile home.

"You know," You stand from the ground looking down at your melted motorcycle jacket. "This was my favorite jacket. Had it from the 80's it was vintage. Damn.”

“How-“ She groans stumbling to her feet and leaning on the wall for support.

“We all have our secrets don’t we? And I'd love to hear yours."

Her eyes flash to where the front door is, but you beat her to it, yanking her back towards you by the arm, crushing her right wrist in your hand. Her scream of pain quenches the anger fueling in your chest from the words she snarled at you earlier.

"You're pretty worthless, even with your powers." You sigh. “I was hoping for more of a challenge.”

She cradles her broken wrist to her chest, backing away from you. Fear flashes in her eyes when she realizes that she's made a mistake, but instead of it making you feel powerful, it makes you pause.

Being a hero was difficult. You watched how so many others abused their powers over the years, feigning to be pure and heroic but really succumbing to dark urges when no one was looking. It was also why you hated Herogasm.

You hated it because you knew what happened to the normal people, the ones that thought they would be safe with the heroes they admired so much. You'd watched Ben lose control more than once, knew stories of innocent people that were hurt, not that Countess was innocent. But you never liked to hurt people with your powers. Standing here in this trailer made you guilty and watching her cower away from you made you guilty despite your shared history and her harsh words.

"So I'm just going to ask one more time, what happened to Ben?" You force your voice into a snarl, shaking off the guilt.

Because it was necessary. It wasn't just about you settling something from years ago, it was about Ben.

She deserves this, she isn't a good person.

"Go to hell." She spits at you.

You grab her by the front of her red suit and throw her away into the small kitchen. Countess' body crashes into the lopsided brown cabinets with a solid thwacking sound smashing through the flimsy structures. Blood drips down the side of her face from where she hit the cabinet corner, blending into her reddish hair. She rises from the ground with an angry snarl, clutching a dirty knife in her hand.

"I don't want to get tetanus from that. I can't remember when my last shot was-" You begin to say with a sigh.

She swipes the air in a vicious arc, but you grab her by the wrist, dodging the knife. "You never learn do you?"

The wrist twists to the side in your hand with a loud snapping sound followed by Countess' scream that reverberates in your skull as you break her other arm. "Pretty soon you're gonna be out of limbs, so I'd start talking."

Countess drops to her knees as the pain begins to seep into her body. "Fine. I'll tell you-"

"Then do it."

"He's not dead."

As the world stops spinning a high pitched ringing in your ears takes over, filling the monotonous drone of seconds ticking past. The past forty years no longer matter, the next hundred wouldn’t either, because Ben wasn't dead. As much as you hated him, the thought chilled you to your core, because then where the hell was he?

"Or at least he wasn't when they took him." She mutters, holding her arms to her chest.

"What did you do?" Your voice comes out in a whisper because you can hardly speak let alone comprehend what she's saying. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" You scream, grabbing her by the front of her suit.

"They wanted him." She spits.

"Who did?"

"The Russians. They wanted him and they took him!"

"You sold him out to the Russians?" You roar, hauling her up into the air so close you can smell what she ate for lunch. "Why? Did they pay you?"

"No. We all hated him!" She snarls. "But you were always around." Her mouth twitches into a painful smile. "It was so easy to get him to fuck me. I knew it would drive you away, you'd wanted him for so long and he didn't give a damn about you. And then you weren't there to protect him!" She laughs through the pain that builds in her chest.

I was right. She fucked him to make me angry, to get me to turn my back on him. I wasn't there to help him and they sold him out the first chance they got.

"He always wanted me more than you, knew that I could satisfy him better than you ever could. You really thought that he could love you? Ben doesn’t love anyone!” Her eyes glint with malice. “And you’re still the same pathetic little girl who begged Ben for his co-“

Her head tears from her shoulders in you hands cutting off her next words, the explosion of blood from her carotid artery spraying your face, and soaking into your ruined clothes. The ringing is back, filling the void of silence in the air that followed the tearing of bone and sinew.

You stand there for a minute holding it, not quite comprehending what you've just done. You hadn't lost control in a long time, not since you had the fight with Ben about Countess, or when you threw your sofa through one of the walls in your apartment and then broke every piece of glass, windows included, and had to move when you found out he was dead.

Or not dead. The thought chills you. Payback handed him over to the Russians, where he's been for the past 40 years? Why? Just because he was irrational, angry, and a dick? There's got to be more to it than that. Stan would have never allowed that. Soldier Boy was his golden boy, his meal ticket-

You think about the last forty years of hating Ben, cursing him, trying to forget him, wishing that you'd never loved him. The night you fought washes over you, bringing the anger, frustration, and heartbreak roaring back. The head in your hands smashes into mush as the memories barrage your mind, surging over the dam you built to keep them away.

You and Ben had always watched each other's backs. It was the promise you made to each other before all of this started, on the night he asked you to come with him and leave everything you knew behind. You knew him better than anyone else.

And yes maybe he fucked me once and I told him I loved him and he immediately went out and fucked Countess-

Your heart cracks in your chest with the thought, the heartbreak coming back in a wave of sadness that makes you shudder.

But you couldn't leave him, because you knew he would have never left you. Ben may have said that he didn't care about you, but you knew in your gut that Ben would have torn anyone apart who hurt you. He's always protected you. Even before you became supes together.

You stare back down at the mush coating your hands and the front of your clothes.

Why the fuck is everything so complicated?

When you get back to your apartment you're covered in a thin layer of soot, from blowing up the trailer, and a layer of blood and brain matter from removing and crushing her head. You hoped that by blowing up her home and burning her body with your newfound abilities that it would be enough to cover your tracks, but you were uneasy. The buzz of killing her and the shock of her revelation had worn off, but was now replaced with a numbness when you think about what could have happened to Ben, what could still be happening to him.

The shower does little to ease your mind and sleep evades you, despite the exhaustion that pulls at your limbs for using your powers. Dying usually meant that you needed to replenish that energy, but you couldn't muster the enthusiasm to do that. You just felt listless. The last forty years felt like a lie, felt like a waste, because as you’d been living your life Ben had been trapped in Russia.

So you open your laptop on the counter, wet hair soaking through your sleepshirt, and begin to research flights to Russia leaving within the next few days.

I have no idea where I'm going. I go to Russia and then what? Where in Russia? The Kremlin? Yeah let me just waltz right up to that.

You lean forward with your head in your hands thinking about Butcher. He came here because he wanted to know more about Ben. Maybe he knew where he was. He was the one who mentioned Russia.

You pull the card he left behind on your counter towards you, rubbing your thumb over the number. Legend said he kills supes. So is that what he wanted? To find Ben and kill him? The thought makes a chill travel down your spine, immediately followed by the primal urge to protect Ben. But what had Ben ever done to him?

You look at the number again.

If I call him, he's going to know that I was lying. Not that I'm scared of him.

You finally pick up your phone and dial the number, but it goes to voicemail.

"Hey this is Y/f/n Y/l/n. I just remembered a few things about Soldier Boy and thought you'd like to discuss them. Just give me a call-back whenever you get this."

You hang up the phone and sit there for a minute, eyeing the coffee that sits untouched next to your open laptop.

I killed someone today. The thought should be chilling, but you feel no remorse, no guilt.

Is that because I think she deserved it?

Your mind goes back to what she said about Ben sleeping with you, what he told her about you. The urge to cry rises in your chest with the memory of her words.

You remembered that night. You had been so excited. Ben had taken you out to dinner for your birthday, despite your insistence that you'd celebrated enough of those. The restaurant was quiet, secluded, different than the flashy world the both of you were living in.  It had reminded you of before you took the Compound V, when you were still normal. The food was good, there was flirting and hand holding at dinner, and finally a slow dance when he kissed you for the first time.

And when he took you back to your apartment and to bed, it didn’t seem like a quick fuck, it didn't feel like cheap sex. The way he took care of you, held your hand, said your name, looked at you, held you close to him after, and the soft smile on his face that he had only when it was the two of you- it felt special. He made it special for you because he knew how important it was for you.

Tears slip down your cheeks. It would have been one of your favorite memories if you didn't know what followed, what was going to happen the next morning or in the next 24 hours. 

"Guess it was just a lie." You mutter to yourself, wiping the back of your hand across your eyes.

The next morning when you woke up in his arms you couldn't help but tell him that you loved him, whisper it to him, more happy than you'd ever been curled against his chest. You remembered the way he looked at you, like you were crazy and then he left for his movie premiere even though we were supposed to go together muttering flimsy excuses as to why he had to leave. And finally the image of him and Countess in the bathroom crashes over you, sending shards of glass back into your heart.

You thought that by now you'd picked them all out.

More tears drip down your cheeks, as your thoughts drift back to Ben and the years that followed that night. You sigh considering what to do.

I wish I could just forget, wish that I could leave him, but I can't.

But that didn’t mean you had to forgive him.

After a night of no sleep, you stand poised over the wooden chest in the back of your closet. Packing for the flight that left in two days was turning into a bigger task than you'd thought.

Your current wardrobe wasn't suited for storm the capital city of Russia and kill everything in your path to find Ben, it was more suited for late night painting and art shows. The amount of paint stained overalls, oversized band t-shirts, sweatpants, and dresses in your closet was astounding and none of which screamed "fear me." You would definitely need to go to the mall to find more things that you could move in, if need be, and find things that hid your identity. All it took was one photo or video linked online and everyone would know that you weren’t dead.

You knew that no one would be willing to talk to you, give up the information willingly, not to mention if you really had to break into the Kremlin it was not going to be a walk in the park.

It wasn't that you were out of shape. You still trained during the week, took self-defense classes, and worked out to prevent yourself from going soft, but fighting Countess was the first time in forty years that you had faced another supe and you weren’t up to speed on the supes that the Russian government employed.

You also didn't like the idea that you were going in blind. There could be any number of men there, any kind of supes, and anything waiting for you.

But the truth was, deep down you didn't care. What the rest of Payback did had ignited something deep inside you. You knew that people were going to die if they stood in front of you, but the urge to protect Ben rose above all else. Because you still loved him, despite everything he said, despite everything he did, he was still Ben after all this time and you couldn't let him go that easily. 

You hold up your supe suit in front of you. It was made specifically for you, designed of a breathable material that made movement easy, not to mention the hood and mask did a wonderful job of concealing who you were.

I really don't want to wear this again. You think to yourself, eyeing the smooth material. It wasn't that you hated your suit, it was what it represented. If you wore that again, you'd be Indigo and you'd spent the past forty years trying to put as much distance between you and your superhero career as possible. You would be recognized instantly.

Could I even squeeze into this thing again?

You look at yourself in the floor length mirror on the opposite side of your walk in closet. You looked the same as you always had. Countess’ jeer about you being big makes you flinch again, bringing another cloud of insecurity over your mind.

Maybe that’s why he never slept with me before that night. Maybe that’s why he ran to Countess.

The thought is immediately followed by the image of Missy Callahan at your 16th birthday and how Ben clung to her. Then followed by your mother’s constant attempts to hide your figure. And finally, followed by all the other women you had ever seen Ben with. None of the others had looked like you. You shake off the urge to cry and look back at the suit.

Maybe I can paint over the purple, make it only black? Would that really change it that much?

Suddenly your phone rings, shattering the still silence in your apartment. For a second you hope that it's Butcher returning your call, but when you lift the phone to your ear you realize that it's something much worse.

"Hello?"

"I need you." The familiar voice says.

Shit.

Thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to the taglist for this series let me know :)

Taglist: @roseblue373 @anundyingfidelity @cheynovak @cassiecasluciluce @muhahaha303

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@bughill126

[scribefindegil]

Lorraine Baines McFly and Female Autonomy

Hello. I have spent the past month slowly losing my mind about Lorraine Baines McFly, Marty's mom in Back to the Future, so I am finally trying to articulate some of the reasons I'm so feral about her.

There's a quote from Lea Thompson, the actress who played Lorraine, that goes, "The three parts that women usually get to play are virgins, whores, and mothers, and in Back to the Future Part II, I got to play all three." While this is commentary on Hollywood and the limited roles that fictional women get forced into, I think it's also interesting to think about it in terms of how these roles are reflected onto actual women and used to limit their personhood and confine them to a very narrow range of acceptable behaviors . . . and then in turn to think about how the character interacts with these roles on a Watsonian level. They're affecting not just Lorraine the character as she was written, but Lorraine from an in-universe perspective trying to navigate life as a woman in a patriarchal world. Some of the sexism she faces is a deliberate narrative choice and some of it is a result of the writers' blind spots, but for the purpose of this essay I'm less interested in teasing out which threads are which and more in looking at it holistically.

Because the thing about Lorraine is that she's aware of what the acceptable roles and behaviors for women are, and the versions that we see of her across the various timelines alternately fight against and capitulate to these constraints. What is a woman allowed to be? How much is Lorraine willing to break from those restrictions? How much does she allow other women to break from them? Does she resent her role or embrace it? I have a lot of thoughts specifically about how the different iterations of her interact with concepts of female agency and autonomy.

(Putting this under a cut because it is. Long.)

I started thinking about this when I was talking with my partner about 50's Lorraine. She's extremely active and driven and planning to Get What She Wants (in a way that is very scary, if you are Marty) . . . but at the same time she's clearly aware that she isn't supposed to be. A Good Fifties Girl is demure and passive. Lorraine isn't--but she's still trying to toe the line. I think constantly about the scene where she shows up at Doc's garage to be like "I followed you home . . . so that I can ask you to ask me to the dance." The girl can embrace borderline stalking but she draws the line at directly asking a boy out! She's exercising a lot of agency but views doing so as rebellious and subversive--and risky.

And I also want to talk about the whole "boy crazy" thing because like . . . society (especially in the fifties) tells women that the most important thing they can possibly do is find a good man and become wives and mothers, that this will define the success or failure of their entire lives (and given how many things were unavailable to single women at the time this is in many ways true) . . . and then relentlessly mocks and punishes anyone who actually takes an interest in pursuing this instead of just sitting back passively and waiting. She is trying to do what society says will make her happy! And even her desire for a white knight is very much based in the reality of her situation! She's getting sexually harassed at school and around town and she's doing exactly what she's supposed to and standing up for herself and saying no and fighting back--and this is not enough. She does need backup! Biff harasses her in the middle of a crowded cafeteria and Marty is the ONLY person who does anything! No fucking wonder she latches onto him as hard as she does! (There's. I promise this is related but there's a BttF parody musical on YouTube where when Strickland comes to break up the lunchroom fight he says, "Now, I can excuse sexual harassment, but LIGHT SHOVING?" and like it's a haha funny joke but also?? Yeah?? That IS how it works. The way Lorraine's being treated is so overlooked and normalized that the authority figure isn't going to step up the way he will when it's a physical altercation between two guys. Screams.) I wonder if part of the reason she stuck with George in the original timeline even though they didn't have a lot in common is that "I have a boyfriend" is a boundary that some people might actually take seriously whereas "I'm not interested" is not.

But. In general 50's Lorraine is very much about grabbing as much agency as she feels she's allowed to . . . and then Twin Pines Lorraine is what happens when she regrets the result of those choices (because while we don't see it, it's pretty obvious that in the original timeline she pursued George as aggressively as she pursues Marty in the new one), and so she decides to deny, not just her own agency, but female agency as a general concept. She leans so heavily on the idea that her relationship was "meant to be" because it absolves her of any culpability in creating a life she's unhappy with. She's rewritten her own past to view herself as a passive participant in something inevitable. (Exactly the view of womanhood that she was fighting so hard against in the 50's!) And she extends this idea of female passivity to the women around her: telling Linda that she should sit back and wait and a relationship will "just happen," actively resenting Jennifer for doing something as simple as calling Marty on the phone. It's a really interesting form of internalized misogyny, perpetuating these sexist ideas as almost a misguided form of self-defense.

And then for Lone Pine Lorraine this is completely flipped! She loves Jennifer for the same reason she disliked her in Twin Pines: because she reminds Lorraine of her younger self. And like . . . this is something of an extrapolation, but while obviously her husband and kids are still very important to her, it also feels like she has interests and friends and other things going on in her life, whereas part of the isolation of Twin Pines is that her life has shrunk down to the point where she's ONLY a wife and mother with nothing else to define herself by. And it also matters that in this timeline she has a partner that supports her, not just in the big dramatic moments (although also that), but you can easily see the dance as a catalyst for George actually learning to listen to her and stand up for her about smaller things as well. George McFly feminism arc. (I'm being slightly facetious but like. George starts off kind of shitty. The spying is actively Bad and I hope Marty chewed him out for it offscreen, but also his reaction to the harassment scene being "I think there's someone else she'd rather go with," implying that he sees what Biff is doing as like. Normal flirting that he expects to work. He doesn't GET it. Unsurprising because he is. A teenage boy in the fifties. But I do believe that saving Lorraine was something of a wakeup call and after that he listened to her about things that make her uncomfortable and gave her the support that she needed. Which would also give her a lot more freedom in this timeline because she has someone with more societal power who has her back!)

And then. Hell Valley.

If Lone Pine is the version of Lorraine who has the most freedom, the most opportunities to make decisions based on what she wants instead of What Is Expected Of A Woman, Hell Valley is the opposite. The things denying her agency in Twin Pines is largely societal forces (and herself); in Hell Valley she is actively being denied autonomy by her evil husband who functions as the personification of a bunch of sexist ideas.

She's been objectified to the point that she doesn't maintain control over her own body; Biff pressures her to get cosmetic surgeries so she can continue to look attractive to him because that's the only value he sees in her. Her physical appearance is entirely tailored to his preferences.

Biff's view of Lorraine is wife-as-possession. He treats her like a prize he's won and her kids like parasites. And he is NOT subtle about this. But Lorraine is still desperately clinging to the idea that she's wife-as-family. She calls Biff "your father" to Marty when he arrives, and talks about "our children" because she wants so so badly for this to be something different than what it is. It's especially terrible because this is a timeline where she got seventeen years of being happy with George, she knows what she's missing, and she keeps trying to force this new relationship into a similar mold even though Biff is openly contemptuous of her and especially her kids. It's been twelve years and she's still trying to pretend. To call back to that Lea Thompson quote: it's obvious where Biff thinks Lorraine fits on the virgin-mother-whore axis, while Lorraine is actively trying to centralize her motherhood partially because the kids really are that important to her and partially as a defense mechanism.

(And it's also such a bleak cautionary tale about how fragile women's stability can be when they're dependent on their husbands; Lorraine was happy with George and had a fair amount of freedom, but he was the only one with an income so when he died she was suddenly forced into a truly horrific situation because she had no other means to support herself and her three young children. Especially given that the Hell Valley universe is also worse in some broader political ways that mean there were probably even fewer social supports available than in real life 1973)

And god. It kills me the way that we see her lash out, the way she's clawing for autonomy when she threatens to leave . . . and then exactly how Biff levels all his axes of control against her. It's very interesting that his first tactic is consumerist (Who will pay for all your things? Who will take care of you?) and that doesn't work even though not being able to support herself is a very real concern. It's only when he threatens her kids that she folds. And then she immediately crumples and pivots to rationalizing Biff's behavior and blaming herself for her own abuse (in a way that is both HEARTBREAKING and also? surprisingly sympathetic and realistic for an 80's movie?). It's similar to the passivity we see in Twin Pines, but here we see exactly where it comes from. She doesn't have any way out so she has to pretend. It's the only way she can keep going. She has these flashes of rage but they're immediately snuffed out by despair and denial.

There's not a lot of talk about Lorraine and what there is tends to reduce her to "well she's Marty's mom" as if she's a boring character who doesn't have a lot going on. But even though most of her role in the movies has to do with her relationships with the various men in her life, those relationships are really interesting if you actually pay attention to them! She's not just (in the 80's) a wife and mother--she's someone who has a complex relationship with marriage and motherhood and the societal expectations surrounding them. She's not just (in the 50's) a vapid boy-crazy girl--she's doing her best to go after what she wants in a world that doesn't want her to (the fact that one of the things she wants turns out to be her time-traveling son from the future is unfortunate but not something she has any way of knowing!). She's stuck in a society that doesn't want women to be people, and she knows this, and because we see her across two different time periods and three different timelines you can watch how sometimes society grinds her down until she gives in and tries not to be a person. And also how, sometimes, she fights back.

[folklaur21]

Never Find Another Like Me

Pairing: Lorenzo Berkshire x fem!gryffindor!reader

Summary: When you and Enzo broke up, you promised him that he'd never find anyone like you. Despite trying to replace you, you are the only one who is on his mind.

Warnings: Flashbacks, use of Y/N, some perspective change (ish), kind of cheating at the end (but not really lol) & Cormac McLaggen is in this fic 🤮🤮🤮

Word Count: 1.8k

Right now, Lorenzo Berkshire was annoyed. No, he was beyond annoyed, he was pissed. There you were, sat at the Gryffindor table with Cormac McLaggen's arms wrapped around your shoulders as you giggled as if he's the funniest person in the world. Which he isn't. Enzo stabbed his bacon very aggressively with his fork and stared at you. How could you have moved on already. Granted, it had been two months since he had broken up with you, but surely you couldn't have found someone as good as him yet. And he couldn't believe the person you had chosen to move on with was the biggest douche in the school. Cormac Bloody McLaggen.

"Enzo, mate, you're spraying scrambled egg everywhere." Theodore Nott grimaced at his friend as he wiped egg from his robes. "What are you even looking- Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." Enzo replied, putting his cutlery down. "How could she have moved on already? It's only been two months."

"To be fair, Enz, you have been out with about ten different girls," Theo shrugged. "Who's to blame her? It looks like you've moved on."

"They didn't mean anything! I was just looking for some relief. A break. You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know. But you can't get mad at her for doing it too. You broke up with her, remember. This is your fault." Theo remarked as he went back to eating his breakfast.

Theo was right. He had been the one to end things. How stupid he was. Enzo glanced up at you once more, but this time he actually caught your eye. Flustered, he looked down at his plate and pushed his food around with his fork. How could he forget when he lost you?

"What do you mean, Enzo?"

You were quite mad now, tears threatening to spill down your cheeks. You couldn't believe it, your boyfriend was breaking up with you, and you didn't even understand why.

"It's just... I think we need a break, that's all."

"Enzo, we're not Ross and Rachel. What the hell do you mean by a 'break'?" you ask, your resolve destroyed.

"Who are Ross and Rachel?" Enzo asks, confused.

"They're just characters from a Muggle TV show. It doesn't matter." you shake your head. "Why do we need a break? I know that I'm a handful." You pause for a moment before asking in a small voice. "Am I not good enough for you?"

Enzo sighs. "That's not what I said."

"It's what you meant though, wasn't it."

"Y/N-"

"No. I get it. You're the kind of guy that ladies want. And there's loads of cool chicks out there who aren't me. Trouble always seems to follow me."

"Please, it isn't that you're not good enough for me. Nobody said that. But I don't think we're right together. And, it's not you, it's me."

You roll your eyes. "Don't pull that card with me." You grab your wand off of Lorenzo's desk and take your coat from his bed. "Bye Lorenzo."

As you reach the door and open it, you turn around to face Lorenzo as you leave. "Enzo?"

"Yeah?"

"When it comes to a lover, I promise that you'll never find another like me." With that, you close the door and walk out, out of the Slytherin common room, out of the dungeons, and out of Enzo's life. Forever. Or so you thought.

And now you were here, sat in the Great Hall, talking to your friends whilst your boyfriend had an arm wrapped around you. Your boyfriend who wasn't Enzo. No Y/N, stop. You weren't supposed to be thinking about him. You were over him. People who are over their exes don't think about them.

But you aren't really over him. Not really. McLaggen is an awful person. He's not even funny to make up for it. So you thought one glance at the Slytherin table wouldn't do any harm. Just a look. But when you looked over, you couldn't look away. Until he looked back. Your eyes met. And now, all of a sudden, you wondered why you hadn't tried to ever fix things with the boy who broke your heart.

"Hey babe! Enzo!"

When you heard the name, your head whipped around. You were sat in the courtyard doing your Charms homework, when you saw Lavender Brown run over to Enzo and wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her. Ew. What was he doing with her?

"Hello darling. How has your day been?" Enzo said with a charming smile, warm enough to melt chocolate.

"It was good, thank you." Lavender said, giggling hysterically. So uncool. Why was he even with her anyways? He had always said how much he despised her. What had changed?

Enzo wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and the two of them made their way towards where you were sat, by the fountain.

"Hey Y/N!" Lavender chuckled. "How are you?"

"Good," is the only word you can get out before feeling like you want to throw up, grimacing as you say it.

"Well, my boyfriend, and I are going down to the Black Lake? Do you want to join us? You can bring Cormac." Lavender smirked again. It seemed as if she knew how frustrated this made you.

With a forced smile, you manage to say, "No thanks. I'm studying. I hope the two of you have loads of fun." You don't even try to disguise the hint of venom in your voice, glaring up at Lorenzo, who just stares into the distance, seeming to not have noticed your gaze.

"OK then. Bye Y/N. Enjoy studying." Lavender laughs as her and Enzo walk away. As you stare at the back of his head, you suddenly wish you had fought harder to keep Enzo.

"Mate, what's wrong? You've been distracted all lesson, and usually you love Potions." Theo nudges his friend while Snape isn't looking.

"Sorry." Enzo says, snapping out of his mini trance. "Just thinking about stuff."

Snape walked past their desk and to the front, making a comment on todays potion. Amortentia.

"Remember," he drawled, "to get the spelling correct in your notes. Spelling is fun."

Everyone in the class sniggered, trying to disguise it in front of their terrifying professor.

Theo continues his and Enzo's conversation after the class has settled down. "Well, you thinking about stuff is never good. What is it? Did Lavender break up with you?" Theo asks, putting his quill down.

"No. I broke up with her." Enzo says, picking at the corner of his parchment.

"Good. She wasn't right for you anyway. And you always had your tongues down each other's throats. A bit gross if you ask me." Theo shrugs nonchalantly. "Now, if it wasn't that, what's bothering you."

"It's nothing, honestly. Just... thinking about someone." Enzo says, as he looks over at you across the room. You were taking notes on the potion you were studying in your lesson today. Enzo smiled to himself as he watches you lick your lips as you focused on your work.

Theodore follows Enzo's gaze and sighs. "Is it Y/N? Again? Mate, I told you, you broke up with her, too." Theo looks at his friend knowingly. "If you want her back, you have to get her back. Yourself."

"But what is she doesn't want me back? What do I do then?"

"Well, if that happens, then you are back where you are now, but this time you'll be crying to me every night because you know that she doesn't feel the same way anymore." Theodore didn't have to worry about that. He knew you wanted him too. Theo was always there and saw you staring at his best friend, even when Enzo himself didn't notice. You loved Enzo and Enzo loved you. That's how it is. You were perfect for each other. And you just needed to believe it.

You rushed up to the top of the Astronomy Tower, clutching a piece of paper in your trembling hands that you had received at breakfast that morning from a random owl that you didn't recognise. You didn't recognise the handwriting in the note either, but you knew who it was from. Or, at least, who you believed it was from. The note read:

Meet me at the Astronomy Tower at midnight. I need to apologise, and I need you to understand why I did what I did. Please don't tell anyone you are going, at least until after you've been. I love you.

The note was probably from Cormac. The two of you had fought the other day about him flirting with other girls, and hadn't spoken for a couple of days. It was probably an apology, out of sight of everyone else. Cormac didn't do apologies. He sat with you in front of people, but wasn't much of a behind-the-scenes boyfriend. You were shocked when you got the note, but thought nothing of it, as Cormac didn't do any public displays of affection.

However, when you reached the top of the stairs, it wasn't Cormac you saw. It was Lorenzo.

"Enzo? You sent me this?" you asked as you held up the note.

"Umm, yeah. I did. I kind of needed to talk to you. About us." Enzo said that a bit sheepishly, and he stares down at his feet.

"Enzo, there is no us. You ended it. And I'm happy now, I'm with Cormac too." You force out a small smile. "I'm happy now." That was a lie. You were happiest when you were with Enzo.

"I want you back, Y/N. I don't think I can live without you." Enzo walks towards you and grabs your hand. You want to pull away, but something in your heart tells you not to. Stupid heart. Always meddling.

"Enzo, we can't. You're with Lavender, I'm with Cormac. And we didn't work the first time. What makes you think we get a second chance?"

"Firstly, I'm not with Lavender anymore. And who cares about Cormac anyway? You don't love him, I can tell. And he had his hands all over a Ravenclaw girl this morning. Sorry." He said the last bit with an ounce of sympathy, but you didn't really care about Cormac right now.

"OK, but that doesn't change things with us." You say, crossing your arms and trying to look angry.

"Look, I know I tend to make it about me. A lot. And you never get just what you see, but I won't ever bore you. And there's a lot of lame guys out there."

"I guess." You sigh. "Remember when we had that fight out in the rain? You ran after me and called my name..."

"I never want to see you walk away. Ever." Enzo wraps his hands around your waist and pulls you closer to him. "I love you, Y/N"

"I love you too Enzo." You grab his face and kiss him, forgetting about any of your previous worries now that you had your Enzo back.

A moment later, you pull away and break the kiss. "Enzo?"

"Yeah?"

"I was right," you say with a smirk.

"What do you mean?" Enzo asks, his lips pulling upwards into a quizzical smile.

"I promised that you'd never find another like me!"

P.S. I hope you liked the dividers!! They're basic but I made them lol.

[thatfruityb1tch]

I am not sure if this is controversial or not, but I fully believe that Daenerys should be made mad in the books as well. And before everyone starts yelling how “she has been nothing but good in the first seasons, her becoming a tyrant makes no sense” hear me out real quick.

From a storytelling perspective it would’ve been very interesting. Think about it, the Targaryens are known for all going insane. They’re a royal family who inbreed to “keep their blood pure Valyrian” and wield these giant living nuclear weapons (I say that but I should make it known that I am the dragons stan first, human second). No wonder they end up going mad, or become tyrants, or end themselves because there is simply no other way out for a Targaryen. And while seeing Daenerys break the cycle and become better that her predecessors would have also been interesting, her going insane and unknowingly winding up on the exact same route to tyranny as those before her would have been much more on brand with her family’s history.

The whole “different than the rest” story is so overdone. Give us a character who is unhinged and unaware of it. Who makes all the same mistakes as those before them and will justify those mistakes with “it was necessary” (an example would be idk burning fathers and sons alive. Like father like daughter). It would be so much more realistic watching someone try to steer as far away from past cruelty only to end up worse because they just can’t help it. It’s in their blood.

Of course, to do all that one would have to actually be a good writer. If GOT had 13 or even 10 seasons like George initially suggested the show did, this arc might’ve been accomplishable but no, we ended up with whatever the fuck season 8 was. And anyway, who (besides George) will ever know what Daenerys’ real arc would be in the books. If there is one thing we know for sure it’s that D&D can’t write for shit and should never try again.

[readingsfrommars]

About T Corp Don

Well folks, we've got a new ID, and a new perspective on Don Quixote, so here I am! T-corp Don is an interesting one because not only is this yet another identity where she is still sane, it's also the closest we've seen to her ideal.

I'll warn you now, this one is long.

Unlike Cinq Association, Don is not acting a mercenary, but a time collector, meaning that her allegiance is not dependent on the highest bid. This means she is able to punish the rich just as much as the poor, which is a significant improvement compared to her other IDs.

Sure, this might sound a bit superficial. Sure, while there is the possibility that a rich tax evader will get caught and punished, the much more likely that the target of her collection will be someone too poor to pay the time debt. Any good intention is drowned out by the reality of The City, right? And normally, I would agree with this.

But that's where our beloved hero Don Quixote comes in. While her work may not be as noble as we'd like, it's in the way she treats her work that we can see how much of a difference it makes.

This might not seem significant to everyone, but T-Corp Don's dreams of heroism are still intact. In her ID story, there is a vital detail that we get to see about Don and the way she treats her work.

Don shows a clear disdain towards taking from the poor, despite the fact that, according to T-Corp, they have broken the law and must be punished. This is interesting for a few reasons, and I'll try to show this through Don's other IDs.

Like I mentioned in my examination of Cinq Association Don, most of her IDs involve two themes.

Don is indoctrinated by the group she is with. This can be seen with N Corp and W Corp (initially), but is present in most of her identities.

Either Don's dream breaks, or her mind does. Again, N Corp and W Corp are both fantastic examples of this. (A subtle but nevertheless notable example of this is Blade Lineage Don. It is never explicitly stated what has happened to her, but the simple fact that she no longer wields her blade for others speaks volumes as to how her dream is long gone.)

However, with T Corp, we see Don actively trying to avoid performing her duty as a collector when it comes into conflict with her ideals. This tells us that she has not only managed to avoid being indoctrinated by T Corp, she has managed to keep her dream and mind intact.

Like Cinq Association, she has found a way to pursue justice in her own way, albeit with a few compromises. And, in my personal opinion, she seems more fulfilled by her work for T Corp.

As stated before, she spares no expense in her pursuit and punishment of the rich tax evaders, who exploit the poor and vulnerable. In her ID story, it shows her risking going past her allotted work hours to expense justice.

Meanwhile with the poor, she will try to delay their punishment as much as possible. Delaying anything in T Corp, where time is everything, is something that should not be taken lightly.

Compared to her earlier IDs, this is a huge improvement. For Don, who in most IDs would fulfill her duty without question, to show clear resistance towards doing work (which according to T Corp involves punishing wrongdoers) demonstrates that she has managed to keep her ideals of heroism far more than ever before, to the point of her own personal code clashing with the law.

In my opinion, this is something to celebrate. Within the grim reality of The City, being able to maintain noble ideals is laughable, even for those strong enough to defend them.

T Corp Don keeping hold of her desire to fight for justice sounds too good to be true, considering all of the other ways we've seen her story go very, very wrong.

And if you did think it was too good to be true...

You'd be right.

Just like in Cinq Association, T Corp Don represents a failure to achieve her dream. And in this case, it's built into the very foundations of this ID. The very fact that she is working for T Corp is proof that she has, perhaps without knowing it, given up on her idea of justice.

Oh, and when I said Don wasn't indoctrinised? I lied.

T Corp is one of the most extreme places in terms of inequality between the rich and poor. When time is literally money, you'll be lucky to get ten hours in a day, while your employer likely has upward of 50 hours a day. If you don't understand what I'm saying by this, you'll get it if you complete Canto 6.5.

T Corp would already be an awful place - even to the standard of The City - if that was the only thing the poor were robbed of, but anyone who has played Limbus Company knows that I have missed out a very important detail about the place.

In T Corp, colour is a luxury. I'm not talking colourful clothes or furniture, I mean you are literally monochrome unless you pay for it. If you are poor, not only do you have less time between grueling work shifts, your world has no colour. Every day is mind-destroying work, eating, and sleeping. Nothing changes. Everything you look at is some shade of brown, and there is nothing you can say you truly own.

To live in T Corp is to accept the most brutal inequality the human mind can conceive. You don't question the awful working conditions, the way the lower class are exploited and discarded by the rich and powerful, or the fact that a will to live is something that must be bought. You accept all of that because that's life for you. The idea of being treated any better is something that is only possible by getting more wealth, which means you need more hours in the day to work, which you get by working. There is no life for the poor of T Corp. Only Survival, work, and death.

To work for T Corp is to not only accept the way things are, but to assist them. Any semblance of equality in Don's work is illusory, and the truth of the matter is that her work continues to secure the future of that brutal cycle. The game even states as much in her story.

I haven't played Final Fantasy 7's remake, but there's a line from that game that feels very relevant to T Corp Don.

"A good man who serves a great evil is not without sin. He must recognise and accept his complicity."

T Corp Don is potentially the most tragic ID Don has. She has allowed herself to become something that can only be described as evil in order to find the slightest bit of good.

So what does she do? She gives her everything to punishing the people she believes are more evil than her, in order to vent her frustration and validate her path, while at the same time trying in vain to distance herself from the evil she must inevitably commit to maintain the status quo.

But someone who only does good some of the time is not a hero, and deep down Don knows it.

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

EWAN MITCHELL INTERVIEWED BY POLYGON MAGAZINE.

YOU'VE SPOKEN BEFORE ABOUT THE INFLUENCES YOU TOOK IN WHEN CRAFTING YOUR APPROACH TO AEMOND — YOU HAVE PROMETHEUS; YOU HAVE HEAT; HALLOWEEN; LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. I'M CURIOUS WHAT YOU WERE SEEKING AS YOU WERE RESEARCHING TO PLAY AEMOND IN SEASON 2.

"Characters who possess a tremendous amount of power, and see it as a means to do things no one else can do."

Similar with Lawrence of Arabia — something in Lawrence of Arabia that I like, he says 'The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.'

"You know, the idea that he kind of tempers himself — very similar to Aemond — to pain."

"He puts duty over love."

"And [similarly,] the idea that Aemond can be loved, but he also knows that he can achieve more if he’s willing to be feared, and do the necessary kind of evil."

"[I sought] characters who were kind of marginalized, and they maybe start off their story on their back foot, and over time become the hero of their story."

"There are setbacks, but they bounce back even stronger."

"Those kinds of characters."

DID YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE LIFTING THE ENERGY OF THESE PERFORMANCES, THE PHILOSOPHY, OR JUST THEIR PHYSICALITY?

"Anything — I mean, I try to watch a film a day."

"Although recently, with press, I’ve sometimes had to do two a day, because I miss a day."

"But anything, anything: Inspiration can come at any time."

"I’m always watching for it."

"I was watching Split the other day, M. Night Shyamalan’s Split, and it kind of raises the idea that the broken are the more evolved."

"And that’s certainly true with Aemond; from the moment he had his eye taken from him, he’s used it as motivation to develop himself and manufacture himself into this lethal weapon."

"I was speaking to a reporter earlier, and he had a Rutger Hauer T-shirt from Blade Runner."

"That’s also something that I might use as inspiration going into season 3."

"Just kind of leave my arms open, take anything."

DO YOU FIND YOU HAVE DIFFERENT INFLUENCES FOR DIFFERENT MOMENTS IN AEMOND'S LIFE, OR EVEN JUST DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS, LIKE ALICENT VERSUS HELAENA?

"Yeah, ultimately, after the raising of the dragonseeds in 'The Red Sowing,' it’s definitely made Aemond a lot more desperate going into episode 8, and he’s losing that composure that he’s known for [in] the previous episodes."

"And so there was always something really fascinating in exploring that kind of fractured Aemond, seeing that scared boy rise to the surface again, that he’s tried to keep a lid on for so many years."

"It’s the sort of relationship that makes total sense even when you don’t see them together."

"Of course she’s the person who sees him and puts him in his place."

"And he just has nothing to say to that."

"Her words just cut him in half."

"He always has this idea of where and how things will pan out."

"She just challenges that, and it breaks him a little bit."

IN A SHOW THAT'S SO MUCH ABOUT INTERROGATING PEOPLE'S QUEST FOR A POWER, THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO IT, AND HOW IT CAN BE BOTH WIELDED AND CORRUPTING AS A FORCE, HOW DO YOU SEE AEMOND FITTING INTO THAT? WHAT'S HIS MINDSET?

"I think he raises that question of whether Aemond is inherently evil, or whether power does corrupt, whether it was nurture versus nature."

"Was it the upbringing that [he] received from Otto Hightower and his mother, or was it just being in the Red Keep and being a product of his environment there?"

"I think Aemond — he’s always had that quest for power."

"He’s always wanted to be known as that war hero."

"And here at the council table, for the first half of the series, he’s very much serving in the war from one end."

"And then when he gets into power and becomes prince regent, he goes to the other end."

All of these people, he now has a completely new perspective on, and it’s like, 'OK, so how can each of you serve me? And if you can’t serve me, you’re gone.'

"It’s that kind of very black-and-white pursuit that Aemond has in his quest for power, which I think is quite scary."

"It’s formidable."

It doesn’t really take anybody else’s perspective into account. 'It’s what I want.'

"So what’s his relationship with power? It’s not a pretty one."

DO YOU SEE HIS QUEST FOR POWER AS COMING FROM THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY WHO JUST WANTS SOME PROTECTION AND INSULATION, AND TO BE ABOVE REPROACH? OR DO YOU SEE IT AS HIM THINKING I HONESTLY BELIEVE I CAN DO THIS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE HERE?

"I mean around the council table, all these other characters, they’re losing their composure, they’re raising their voices, they’re arguing."

"Aemond’s just sitting back."

"He’s calculated, he’s cool."

"He strikes when the moment arises."

"He needs to be seen as someone who can wield that power effectively."

"He needs to be seen as someone who can lead."

"He can become that war hero."

"Whether or not he wants to sit the Iron Throne — I don’t know; I don’t want to answer that! But he definitely wants a similar kind of reputation as Daemon Targaryen."

"He wants to be like Daemon Targaryen, but he also wants to better him."

"He wants to be known as that rogue prince, who you know all of the realm respects."

"Or maybe he doesn’t really care what anyone thinks — that’s kind of what I love about the character."

"He could be many things."

TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU APPROACHED THE ARC FOR HIM OVER THE SEASON — TO RETURN TO INFLUENCES FOR A SEC, I WAS THINKING A LOT ABOUT STREETCAR NAMED DESIRED, AND HAVING A CHARACTER WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE THAT CLOSE TO A BREAKDOWN, BASICALLY, AND DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE ONE BAD DAY AWAY FROM THAT. THEY'RE JUST HOLDING THEMSELVES TOGETHER EVEN WHEN PEOPLE AROUNG YOU CAN SEE THIS IS BAD NEWS.

"Aemond… if he has a breaking point, I don’t think he’s found it yet."

"It’s interesting."

"Maybe he found it there, when Helaena challenged everything he thought his life would amount to, and how things would pan out."

"I think Aemond always thought of himself as the captain of his own fate and his own destiny."

"And so when Helaena shares that knowledge — on one hand, it could make an enemy out of him."

"But on the other hand, it could also make Helaena a tremendously valuable ally."

"If you’re able to harness that kind of foresight and that power that Helaena possesses, you could see a blow coming before it lands."

I think that would certainly be something interesting to explore: 'Where is Aemond’s breaking point?'

"I mean we’ve seen everything he’s done so far."

"He kind of had to abandon humanity in season 2, with what he did to his brother."

Helaena raises that: 'Was it worth the price, and what did he lose in that moment?'

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WHERE HE ENDS UP THIS SEASON? IN MANY WAYS, IT FEELS LIKE AND OTHERWISE TRIUMPHANT SEASON PUTS HIM IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE TO HAVE HER POP THAT BALLON FOR HIM.

"Yeah, that’s a good way of looking at it."

"I think he’s got to sit with that information now, and sit with that realization."

"But as we know for Aemond, he can’t sit still for long."

"He’s going to be on the back of that dragon."

"Up to no good, you know."

"And yeah, I can’t wait to see where it goes in season 3."

"I think he’s got to change again."

"I think similar to when he had his eye taken out as a kid, it served as this motivation to become something else entirely."

"And then with this new realization at the end of season 2, he’s gonna have to evolve again, or otherwise risk being broken again."

[stepmarchen]

Ludovika vs Shuri, a facial comparison breakdown

While it's obvious that Ludovika and Shuri have their similarities, as pointed out by various members of the ASM cast, let's break down some of their differences, shall we?

But before we do, let's address a few things!

ORKA takes design seriously! We can't just chalk up slight differences to "one-off mistakes." As you can see below, she did a study on her OWN designs, micro detailing down to the curve of each character's eyebrows. But to be fair, we will only be using art from recent chapters, as ORKA's style has evolved since the early chapters.

Another reason why we will be only using recent chapters is to avoid differences that may be as a result of Shuri being several years younger than Ludovika. I will also try my best to take this into account as we go.

First things first, let's get the obvious differences out of the way. Ludovika has a lavender hair, parted down the middle and golden eyes. Meanwhile. Shuri has light pink hair parted to the side with green eyes. So you might be thinking, if not for the color differences, they would look exactly the same!

But that's not the case! In some instances, seen from Max or Johannes' POV, Ludovika and Shuri almost seem 1:1. However! We must take into account that given their history with her, they are unreliable narrators, and may show a warped perspective on their memories of both girls.

So why don't we remove all the color! Here we have Ludovika on the left and Shuri on the right down below.

Since we don't have a 1:1 shot, here's the two in similar lighting situations with similar expressions and another with a similar angle.

Here are all the points of differences I noticed below!

Ludovika's long arched brows vs Shuri's downward sloping brows with no arch

Ludovika's long, straight, and slightly wider nose vs Shuri's small pointed, upturned nose

Ludovika's narrow and long face with a distinctly V shaped chin vs Shuri's fuller cheeks and shorter face

Ludovika's full lips, distinctly her full bottom lip but also the way the middle of her upper lips under her philtrum has more volume, often highlighted with a tint on pink (that may be makeup) vs Shuri's thinner, almost pointed lips (almost in an elfy way)

Ludovika's narrower eyes that sit higher on her face as a result of her brow to tip of nose ratio being greater than the top and bottom thirds of her face vs Shuri's larger eyes and 1:1:1 proportioned face (though this may change with age)

It's so fascinating how ORKA illustrates the two to look so similar, yet different. Noticing these small details really shines in on the fact that the two are TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

We've seen so many members of the cast chasing old ghosts that we're forced to compare and contrast Ludovika and Shuri. In reality, it seems like there are more differences than we initially thought, right?

[kenchosaikuo]

This is my first ever one-shot, fanfic, sort of post so bear with me if it is really bad.

The idea for this is how I think the Across the Spider-verse characters would react to you kissing them with lipstick on. Be warned it will probably be horrifically ooc or maybe it won’t, never tried writing from another characters perspective before. Tried to be gn!Reader but might lean a little more to the feminine side. It’s also not in any particular order.

Miles Morales

This boy would be a mix of nervous and flustered at the same time. Bonus points if you grab his face while you kiss him, he would short circuit in a second. He’d bounce back after a minute but still be pretty flustered, would definitely stumble over his words while trying to act like he’s ok. Would try to hide how red his face is by covering them with his hands, if you pull them away from him. Oh boy. Prepare for the rebooting process. May or may not take longer than 5 minutes. Would probably wash the mark off, y’know because of his parents and all.

“I- Uh- um. T- thank you f-for um.. that. Um. It felt n-nice” “You good baby?” “Y-yea I’m good.” “You stuttering a lot. You sure you’re good babe?” “Yea. Just need a few minutes to reboot”

Gwen Stacy

Would have a more controlled reaction. She would be flustered but wouldn’t show it as much as Miles would. She’d probably get a little red on the ears and on the cheeks but other than that she’d be ok. She might stumble over her words a bit and look away as to hide some embarrassment. Would definitely tell Hobie about what happened and talk about how life is going. Bonus points if you use her own lip stick. Would probably wash the mark off so her dad doesn’t know.

“Dang you got rizz like that” “If it’s making you smile like that, then I guess I do” “Wait is that my lipstick though” “Sure is” “Rizz 9000”

Peter B. Parker

(This is before MJ and Mayday)

I feel like he’d get slightly flustered by it but not so much so to where he would stumble over words. Almost like Gwen. He would pull you in and give you kisses in return too. Whether it be on the forehead, the lips, or anywhere else expect a kiss in return. Would probably tell you to do it again. After a few minutes of sitting on the couch and exchanging little pecks I imagine it would turn into a little movie night with just sitting there and exchanging kiss while the movie plays. Might get distracted when the movie gets good though. Would probably forget about the mark and just leave it there.

“Wait hold on I’m lost. Is she dating him or is she dating the other guy” “Wait what, I thought she was with him and she cheated on him with other guy. Dang it P now I’m confused” “Oh well this movie was confusing anyway. Now where were we?”

Miguel O’Hara

Would enjoy it. Hands down. Would let you do it. Depending on where you kissed him he would have different reactions. So like on the forehead or cheek, the more sweet areas I feel like he’d kiss you back in the same place. If you did it on the lips, depending on the time and place, it could potentially turn into a little make out session. Now, should you do it on the neck you better prepare yourself for when he’s done working. He’d also probably do it back to you as well. I mean he would get his fangs out and bite you, should you wish. He’ll mark you just like you marked him. Depending if the relationship is known or unknown to others depends if he’ll keep the mark there. If the relationship known he’ll keep the mark there until he showers (if even takes a break from his work). If the relationship is unknown he’ll try to keep it there as long as possible but if he’s gotta go that lipstick stain is coming off.

“Hermosa, what did you just do?” “Nothinggg?” “Sure. Come here Hermosa” “Yes?” “*Bites down on readers neck* Now we are even” “How is that anywhere near even”

The Spot

Would probably get real giddy and happy about it. Cause you know like after he got turned into the spot he’d get turned down by a lot of people cause they mean so it would make him happy to know he’s still loved and not considered a monster in one persons eyes. Anyways, he’d be really happy and would make sure to keep the mark on there just in case he runs into the Spider-Man’s so he can show that he’s loved by someone. Would probably look at Miles and flaunt it. Would make sure the mark stays there. If it rubs off he’ll tell you to kiss him with lip stick on again.

“Guess what Miles, I pulled a girl before you ever could, HA, take that. I’ve got more rizz than you and I ain’t even human no more”.

Jessica Drew

(Before the baby and getting married)

Would get a bit embarrassed about it. I feel like she would like it though. Bonus points if you use her lip stick. She’d probably do the same thing though. Just at a different time to catch you off guard and see you get all flustered and embarrassed. She also seems like the type to not just give one kiss but multiple. Kind of like Peter in a sense. If she were to do it back she would do it multiple times in multiple different areas. Would probably keep the mark there for as long as she could.

“My turn!!” “Wait what Jess hold on” “Mwah and mwah” “I was supposed to be the one to catch you off guard” “Haha, nope”

Pavitr Prabhakar

Would be almost as flustered as Miles but be able to handle said flusteredness better. He’d blush and maybe stutter slightly but he’d be able to cope. Would probably also grab a drink of chai so to calm himself down. He would also definitely get romantic when you do kiss him. He’d probably kiss you back too. Definitely get expect everyone to know. Gwen, Miles, Hobie, Peter, Jess, Miguel even. Everyone is gonna know. Would probably keep the mark there for most of the day too.

“Pav did you really need a cup of Chai to calm down” “N-No, I just like the taste of it” “Sure, but you got it just at this moment in time, can’t be a coincidence hmm??” “Anyways so how’ve you beennnn”

Hobie Brown

He’d probably do it right back. He’d take the lip stick and kiss you all the same way you did him. Alongside Pav and Spot he’d flaunt it everywhere he goes. He would not get flustered either, he’d be surprised but not flustered. I’ve the feeling he’d tell you to do it again and again until his face is peppered in lip stick marks. Would definitely leave the lip stick marks there. May or may not avoid taking a shower just so they stay on longer.

Oi!! Whatcha doing there” “Just giving you a little kiss” “Well you’re doing it in the wrong spot mate. It’s supposed to be on the lips not on the cheek” “Or I could not do it at all??” “Alright point taken, go on”

The End :D

It you enjoyed reading that let me know. OH and give me suggestions too and any critiques you might have. Anything that’s helpful to my writing is gladly appreciated.:D

[lani-heart]

|| series masterlist || ACT II PREVIEW // previously

parings -> riki nishimura x readerg enre -> non-idol au, school au, hyrbid au warnings -> neglectment / rejection word count -> 1k

abstract -> sometimes certain sacrifices have to be made.

y/n's perspective

The party was fine… despite our hybrids glaring at each of us. Karina was his hybrid who… didn’t like me. While Niki… looked like he wanted to jump my new fake boyfriend at any moment. 

Our parents thought it was a good idea because they thought we were a little too close to them. What I didn’t know was that he was in a relationship with his hybrid. We were both the same, and we’d both have to lie for the time being so our hybrids wouldn’t get the treatment we feared.

“I was thinking of having her join those classes!” he said and she scoffed. “I don’t think you should. I didn’t want Niki to but he begged for them” I explained and he nodded. “Yeah, listen to your shiny new girlfriend,” she scoffed, and he sighed. 

She had every right to be angry… but I didn’t want to be physically involved with him. 

“y/nnie I wanna go home” Niki begged and I did too but we had a quota to finish before leaving. “I do too!” Karina also added to her owner and I chuckled. 

“Hey, Niki? Should we go to the street market after?” I ask and his eyes light up. 

“Do you really need to ask?” he said happily as Karina was now trying to be comforted by her owner. “Do… you have to fake date that guy?” he asked and I sighed. 

“Niki… my parents want to set me up in an arranged marriage,” I said and he stopped walking to look at me. “W-what?” he asked and I sighed. “At first they wanted me to marry Hyunsuk, but he refused thankfully and then he rebelled so they dropped it for a bit. But… They wanted me to start dating friends and they gave me this huge list of boys to see if I got along with them.” I confessed and he looked… upset. “Of course I said no,” I said and he nodded as he hugged me tightly. 

“He was one of them… but it seems like we have a similar situation to him. There are rumors about him, and how he’s in a relationship with his cat hybrid Karina '' I said and he hummed. 

“Trust me… I won’t let them actually marry me off. I plan to stall until I have my own income and then, you and me!” I said and he chuckled. “We should live in Japan,” he offered. 

“We should! Then we’d be free to do what we wanted” 

niki’s perspective

She wasn’t kidding when she said she got a list. 

Hyunsuk, Junghwan, Chenle, Seonghwa, so many but I also know some of them would never agree which meant she would choose and her parents would handle it. 

I wonder… What would happen if we ran away like Hyunsuk’s sister?

While looking through her messages with her mom about this stupid arranged marriage… I saw something. “You’re planning on studying abroad?” I am now excited to see Kyoto University as her option with her mom. She smiled… “Snooping now aren’t you?” she teased and I chuckled. 

“Yeah… Chenle was telling me how his friend is currently in China and how it was a good break for her. Especially since she’s an art student, she’s getting over the artist block and I thought… this would be a good way to avoid the rumors and dating situation to get out of hand” she said and I grinned. 

“Where should we go first?” I asked and she chuckled. “Hmm… we have a lot to do there don’t we?” she asked and I nodded. 

This was different from visiting Japan with her parents… we had no supervision and could go anywhere without being asked where. 

“I do want to do some shopping in Shibuya, '' she said and I chuckled. “I want to go to Akihabara! We have to see what cafes have events soon!” 

We were finishing up this semester early so we could have a head start in Japan. So this was my last etiquette class… I wanted to say bye to Jake but I don’t know what happened for him not to show up. 

“That dog stole your coat, you know?” I heard and saw the bird. My coat that I left? “He also ran… not like I blame him,” he said. “Hybrids have chips though–” “They do… but you can easily cut them out” he explained and I sighed. Hybrids who ran away often were found easily… someone could report it. 

“I don’t think he’ll last that long. They’ll find him easily” he added and I wondered… “Why didn’t you snitch?” I asked and he scoffed. “If I could run, I would too…” he said as he went to his seat by himself. He’d run away too? 

It sometimes made me realize… the hybrids here, the majority, were miserable. Under either adoption programs or… rich kids with too much money. 

Jay was a bird hybrid… exotic here for Korea often found in North America. Some hybrids were happy… but most were miserable. Jay and Sunoo were examples that I knew of… the bird hybrid has a reputation of being a good and responsible hybrid but never could stay with an owner for more than a few months. He was a free trial hybrid so others could see what they wanted in a hybrid to have a reference and then dispose of him. 

Whilst Sunoo was a popular hybrid known for his looks but also for how fidgety the fox was… his owner was one that I hated. When we were younger we often talked and got along but with how his owner became more and more bitchy y/n no longer associated herself with her and so I never talked to him again. 

Even Jake I guess… he was so desperate that he must've been given bad news. 

It made me feel guilty at times but it wasn’t my fault I was given someone who actually cared about me. 

“Stop that before I tell your owners!” the professor said as she scolded a group of hybrids throwing stuff at the deer hybrid on the other side. “His antlers are in the way!” Sunghoon said… he’s another example of a miserable hybrid. 

“Idiots” I heard as I saw the black cat hybrid who always sat in front of me say bored out of his mind. 

Maybe… I just quit these classes?

ttaglist -> @ilovecheese09 @gudkc @nikisvanillaccola @blossominghunnie @mheretoreadff @k1ttylvr @starzniiky @kibs-and-bits @b3tt7boop @in-somnias-world @lol6sposts @xiaoderrrr @jihyosgfremade @b-a-nshee-blog @mimisamisasa @katsukis1wife @eggomi @thunderous-wolf @tinyteezer

please don't be a silent reader !! reblog, comment, and like <3

[ladyamanda123]

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus - My Analysis

Your hologram stumbled into my apartment

Hands in the hair of somebody in darkness named Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

And I just watched it happen

This line SCREAMS Kaylor! Karlie lived with her. She had a Karlie room in her apartment. I can absolutely picture a scenario where before they are “together” Karlie is bringing people home to Taylor’s apartment and Taylor is lying in bed just dying inside listening to it happen. It calls back to Hits Different with “I hear your key turn in the door” and Cornelia Street with “But then you called, showed your hand” line where there has clearly been an argument. That argument could have been Taylor losing it about Karlie bringing people home and then Karlie calling Taylor and confessing her feelings for her and the rest is Kaylor history!

As the decade would play us for fools

And you saw my bones out with somebody new

Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school

And you just watched it happen

Its quite literally been 10 years since the start of Kaylor. They officially met in 2013 and this album drops on 2024. Now Karlie is stuck watching Taylor beard with 🏈….the perfect representation of the dickwad football bro that would bully kids in school.

If you want to break my cold, cold heart

Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'

If you want to tear my world apart

Just say you've always wondered

Years of bearding, distance, lies, etc HAS to have taken a massive toll. If they’ve been together this whole time there’s no way to that hasn’t been hard AF. If they split and then eventually came back together this will have still been all hard AF. Either way, whatever you think the reality might be, this decade has sucked! The idea of them looking back and who they were before this all blew up and saying….what could our life had been like if we hadn’t made these decisions. If we had been brave. If we had had control. If we had done this different. The hindsight must sting something horrible!

You said some things that I can't unabsorb

You turned me into an idea of sorts

If so much of this was out of their control but they decided to try and make it work, the buildup of being together someday….the fact Covid probably played a huge roll in delaying it….over time that distance will absolutely lead to this concept…. “You turned me into an idea of sorts”. Anyone who has been in any sort of long distance or forbidden relationship knows exactly what this is saying. When we don’t have the object of our desire and it builds up over time in our heads to be something it’s not. The pressure that puts on the relationship and the person to meet those unreasonably high expectations that have been swirling in your head all that time. If you’re not careful, if you don’t pivot those expectations, that shit can be insanely toxic to the relationship.

You needed me but you needed drugs more

And I couldn't watch it happen

I think this is a red herring line to make us think Matty, but I also think this could be a line from Karlie’s perspective and the drugs needed is Taylor and her fame and her mastermind plans. It could explain some of the anger at the fans she’s showing now. You wouldn’t accept us. You wouldn’t accept me. I chose you over the person I love and over myself. I played this part for you and now I’m wondering what if I had chosen the other path. What if I had picked her and picked us and picked myself over the drug of being who you wanted me to be for you. This brings to mind the line in Miss Americana where she talks about the addiction to the applause. It also ties in to the 🎃 anon message…. “You’re a selfish asshole….but you’re finally choosing her”

I changed into goddesses, villains and fools

Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules

All to outrun my desertion of you

And you just watched it

More of the same theme….I made myself into this thing that everyone wanted…the fans, the labels, the media, my dad, etc. All in an effort to justify pushing us back in the closet and you just had to take it and now I think I chose wrong. I should have picked us over them.

If you want to break my cold, cold heart

Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'

If you want to tear my world apart

Just say you've always wondered

If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh

Down that passage in time

Back to the moment I crashed into you

Like so many wrecks do

Too impaired by my youth

To know what to do

Again, hindsight…looking back and realizing you made a choice and that choice had major consequences on your life and on the life of the person you love and you can’t go backwards and that breaks your heart now.

So if I sell my apartment

And you have some kids with an internet starlet

Will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon

like it never happened

We aren’t those roommates from Cornelia Street and Maroon anymore. Everything has changed now. You’re stuck in this marriage/life and that apartment life we shared is gone now…did our choices back that lead us to a place where your feelings have changed? Have you forgotten who we were? Have you moved on? Is that version of us gone now because we’ve come to far from it?

Could it be enough to just float in your orbit

Down Bad reference…also could be asking if it could be enough to glass closet like before. Can we do the friend thing our whole lives and be okay with that? Or do we need to actually “come out” and be openly together for real?

Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses

“Dancing phantoms on the terrace” Very clear reference to Kissgate. Can we go back to that? Being “friends” and having the world openly speculate etc etc. I feel like this song is them finally coming back together and going “Okay, this is another cross roads for us. We fucked up last time. How do we fix this? Do we break up and let each other go? Do we go back to how it was…together but technically still closeted? Or do we do what we should/could have done back then and just be who we are and be together openly? Can we rewrite this ending? The prophesy ties in here too as well as the Manuscript. Looking back and wishing you had made different choices and examining if it’s possible to get your life back on track.

Cooler in theory but not if you force it

To be, it just didn't happen

The idea of us that we have been clinging to for 10 years, the expectations, the mastermind plans…are we holding on still to just a dream or an idea that no longer exists? It’s been 10 years and it hasn’t happened like we planned. So now what? Again this screams of a cross roads. They’re looking at each other saying we can’t keep doing this. We need to make a new decision or we will destroy ourselves.

So if you want to break my cold, cold heart

Say you loved me

And if you want to tear my world apart

Say you'll always wonder

Cause I wonder

Will I always

Will I always wonder?

The song ends with the desperate and vulnerable question. In Lover Taylor was exploring those vulnerable early questions in a relationship…..can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Can this relationship go the distance? Are you my person?

Now they’ve arrived at the vulnerable possible end questions. Stop. You’re losing me. Is this the part where you break my heart? Are you going to tell me I fucked it up to bad and you’re leaving? Are you about to confirm what I fear? That I chose the wrong road and now I’ve lost you?

Ending on the question that way shows the decision wasn’t made yet at this point. The song leaves us in that desperate silence between the question and the answer.

This also calls back for me to Mine. When she runs out and braces herself for the goodbye. That’s what history has shown her. That’s what she expects in these moments. But this person is different. This person called and showed their hand. This person took you by surprise and said I’m not leaving you alone. Are they still that person? Or have you finally fucked it up enough that even they are about to leave you?

I think given the shit that’s dropping now, the TTPD lyrics, the massive cracks in the facade, we can figure out what choice was made…..”You finally chose her” ❤️

Hopefully, now at the end of this part, they can have their do over (Come one come all) and regain what was lost. Hopefully they can change The Prophecy moving forward.

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

I've Got Those Roommate Blues

Pairing: Dean Winchester x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary:  Reader is a grad student in college trying to work hard for her degree while maintaining a long distance relationship with Dean Winchester. But what happens when Dean isn't there? This is part two of my "Before You Go" series, but it can be read as a stand alone fic.

Tropes: Angst, Fluff, Age Difference, (Reader is early to mid-20's and Dean is probably early 30's), Protective Dean, Established Relationship

Word Count: 7K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ just to be sure, because this fic contains attempted sexual assault/ dude being super creepy and sleazy. There is some swearing, mentions of sex (not explicit, but it's there), references to past sex, Dean might be a little bit OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Main Masterlist

Series Masterlist

You dragged yourself through the front door of your apartment shaking rain from Dean’s oversized green coat that was wrapped around your shoulders and stomping your black rain boots on the welcome mat. He left it the last time he came to see you, a welcome surprise, given that it still smelled like him, but it made you miss him even more.

He hadn’t been by in a month, not for lack of trying. It seemed that every time he got ready to make the six hour drive from the bunker to your apartment, there would be an emergency, but you tried not to be disappointed. You understood that what he did was equally important if not more that what you were trying to accomplish at Med School. And at least Dean made an effort to keep your long distance relationship afloat. You remember before you got serious with him, when he wouldn’t call or text, just show up out of the blue and leave after a few days, breaking your heart every time. You were thankful those days were over.

Those days had been hard, when each day you hoped he would show up only to be disappointed, when you turned down dates from others because there was only one person in particular you were waiting for, when each time he showed up you felt your heart warm, and when each time he left you felt it sink in dismay. You hadn’t expected Dean to give in to an exclusive relationship when you gave him an ultimatum, but now 3 months in you were happier than you’d ever been.

Even if it was just long distance.

The late night phone calls, flirty texts, and the occasional picture kept you both in touch. Of course none of that could replace how you felt when Dean was with you. You missed waking up with him, watching a movie in bed, going out for pie, driving around in Baby and all the other wonderful things that you did with Dean.

But this was the deal you made when you started dating, a fact that you had to remind yourself of often. You wouldn’t make Dean feel bad about his job and you would finish school. When you graduated you could think about moving closer to him, but until then you were stuck. And missing Dean.

“Hey sweetie!” Your roommate, Suze, crows from the couch as you enter the living room.

Something animated plays on the tv, bathing the room in brilliant white and blue light, but when you raise your eyes from the mat to look at her, you’re surprised to see that she’s not alone, her boyfriend Cooper sits next to her, his arm thrown around her shoulders.

You try to not look disappointed. Cooper and Suze had been dating on and off for a few months, and you always tried your best to either stay in your room or out of the apartment when he was there. It wasn’t that he was mean to you, it was that sometimes he made you uncomfortable. Like the time he “accidentally” walked into your room while you were getting changed and proclaimed that he didn’t know where the bathroom was, as if finding it in a two bedroom apartment required a masters degree, or like the time Suze left early for work and Cooper asked you to go to dinner with him or like right now when he traced his brown eyes up and down you form as if trying to see through your clothes.

You shudder into the jacket, thankful that it was bulky enough to cover your body.

“Hey Suze. Cooper.” Your smile is more tight lipped than you want it to be. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

You hadn’t told Suze. Yes you were roommates, but sometimes it felt more convenience than friendship.  You both didn’t go out of your way to spend time together. Another reason why you were looking forward to moving out after graduation to start your residency.

“Well I didn’t want to stay away from my girl for too long.” His hand raises from her bicep to rest directly between her collar bones, closer than you would have liked to her chest.

The urge to vomit rises in the back of your throat.

I mean, Dean is handsy sometimes, but not in a creepy way. At least he doesn’t make eye contact with someone else when his hands drift. Dean's usually looking at me. You think to yourself with a frown.

“Uh-huh. Well, I’m just gonna go-uh- study.” You lie.

“Didn’t you have a test today?” Suze leans further into his touch making you even more uncomfortable.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to get behind, plus Dean is coming this weekend and I don’t want to have to study the whole time he's here-"

“Hasn’t he cancelled on you the last few times?” Cooper asks.

You blink. Why did he remember that?

“Yeah. Family emergency.” It was the excuse you always used when someone asked you why Dean couldn't make it.

“What is it this time? His mom has a cold or something?" Cooper chuckles at his joke. "Kinda sounds like he’s with someone else and he doesn’t want to be here with you.” He shrugs. “Maybe you should break it off with him, consider your other options." Cooper's smirk turns into more of a sideways grin that makes your stomach turn in knots.

“I'm good.” You say as monotone as possible, lips pulling down into a frown.

You turn and walk down the dark hallway, thankful that Dean's jacket is big enough to hide your figure.

As soon as the lock on your bedroom door clicks, you fall onto the bed face first with a loud groan, dropping your backpack along the way.

Your room was small, smaller when Dean stayed, but you always welcomed that. When he was here it felt more like home and less like a way station. The mediocre study-sleep-eat-work cycle was becoming a mantra and it seemed that the only time you were actually in your apartment was to sleep or change

There was that one time when I camped out in the library. You think to yourself remembering exam week.

It was 24/7 and you stayed after your shift to study for exams but nodded off. Dean had been mad about that though, upset that you slept in a public space where anyone or anything could have walked in. You thought that it was hypocritical for him to condemn your sleep schedule when you knew for a fact he went days without sleep.

Plus it was easier to sleep in the library instead of making the trek in the morning.

You sit up to look around the room. It was small, just big enough to fit a full-sized bed in, the thought made you smile. Dean barely fit in the bed, he was too tall and broad, and each time he would groan about how Baby’s backseat was ten times bigger and that you both might as well go sleep in there. However, you knew he secretly liked how small the bed was. The small size of the bed meant that you had to practically sleep on top of him, and Dean was not one to complain about cuddling. He often coaxed you into bed to study instead of at your cluttered desk because it meant you used him as a pillow while he watched tv and you tried to understand Metabolic Pathways and commit anatomical structures to heart.

Of course Dean always made the joke that he could help you study anatomy more than a dusty old textbook could. Your cheeks redden thinking about the last time he helped you “study.” It had been beneficial, but you didn’t need to have the memory of what you did to study distract you from the test questions. But what a wonderful distraction it was. The proctor of the exam had asked if you were okay because you looked a little flushed. Dean of course thought it was hilarious when you told him after he picked you up.

The room served its purpose. It had a small desk in the corner covered in textbooks and papers, a small closet, a cassette tape player that Dean bought you so you could listen to mixtapes he made, the ones he brought whenever he’d come visit with ridiculous names scribbled over the label and the ones you’d listen to when you missed him the most, and a dresser that was spilling clothes out of the drawers with a small T.V sitting on top. A purchase that happened after you started dating because it meant that Dean and you did not have to sit in the living room on the couch to enjoy a movie together.

You turn over on your back and fish your cellphone out of the deep pockets of the jacket, before calling Dean.

"Hey Sweetheart, how was the big test?" Dean’s voice washes away any sour feelings you have from interacting with Cooper.

“Harrowing.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“It was 156 questions.”

“Shit.”

"It’s okay, but my brain feels like mush." You groan pressing your fingers to your temple.

“Don’t joke about that. Sam knew a guy that died from mushy brain syndrome.”

“I don’t think that’s a thing.”

“Oh I’m pretty sure it’s like Mad Cow-“

“I haven’t ingested human flesh recently so the possibility of me having that is low.“

“If you ever do let me know, because that could be any number of things.”

“I don’t know. I think if I told you I’d suddenly developed a craving for human flesh, you’d shoot me. I’d rather just keep it under wraps and hope that I didn’t eat you by accident.”

“I’m sure I’d be delicious.”

“Dean!” You snort.

“What? You were thinking it.” You can practically hear the smirk in his voice. “I also wouldn’t shoot you.” He laughs.

The laugh is enough to make your heart jump and buckle in your chest followed by a wave of loneliness.

I miss him. You think to yourself as you burrow further into the jacket with a sigh, and reach for a pillow to hold against your chest, wishing that it was him. “Oh right, you’d make Sam do it.”

“No. I’d lock you up and have Cas deal with it. Work some of that angel magic shit or whatever.”

“How are they?”

You had met Sam a few times and Cas only once. Learning that he was an angel was a bit of a shock. Despite listening to Dean's stories, sometimes you wished he was kidding about there being another world of dangerous supernatural creatures.

But you thought that Cas was sweet.

 Your cheeks flush with embarrassment remembering the first time you met Cas, when Dean was undressing you in his bedroom and Cas teleported in because he forgot about normal things like knocking. Dean couldn’t stop laughing at you when you fell off the bed with a squeal at Cas’s appearance.

Of course he laughed. He wasn’t the one who was naked. And he wasn’t the one who had to have the awkward conversation with Cas later about the importance of knocking.

“Sam’s geeking out as usual, and Cas is-“ Dean pauses. “I don’t actually know where he is.”

“Did you lose him?” You laugh into the phone.

“No I think he said he had something he had to take care of. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You really have to work on those listening skills babe. So, what’s the monster of the day?”

“Sam thinks Vampires.”

“Well he’s usually right.”

“Don’t tell him that. It’ll go to his head.”

You hear a metallic clink in the background and imagine Dean standing at the back of Baby, sorting through the arsenal of weapons.

There are so many red flags that I choose to ignore about this man. You think to yourself. The trunk of Dean's car was probably the biggest red flag, or it would be if you didn't know what Dean did for a living.

“I’m sure Sam already knows but let me text him real quick.”

“Sweetheart.”

“Please be careful.” You sigh tightening your grip on the phone. Trying not to worry about Dean was hard given the family history and his stories about what had happened to him already. The thought of one day getting a call from Sam to tell you that Dean was dead haunted you.

"I'm always-" Dean begins to say.

"No. No you're not."

"I am."

"Dean."

"I'm careful enough."

At least it’s only vampires. You reason to yourself with a sigh. I can't believe that's something I've ever thought.

You hated it when Dean told you about some of the worse creatures out there, hated everything that he had been through over the years. But vampires were easier, you guessed, or at least he never seemed to be too worried about vampires.

He will be fine. He's with Sam. Sam knows what he's doing, Cas will probably show up and help.

The sound of your roommate and her boyfriend watching T.V bleeds through the thin walls. Cooper mumbles something to Suze that makes her giggle.

Why can’t they just leave?

"I can hear your frown on the phone. What's wrong?" Dean asks.

“Um." You bite the inside of your cheek to avoid saying what's on your mind. You and Dean had never talked about Cooper before. Dean knew that Suze was "dating" someone, but he had never met him.

"You still there doll?"

"Well, my roommate's boyfriend is here and there are thin walls." You begin slowly.

"Oh so you get a front row seat to all the reunion sex." Dean laughs. “Probably payback for whenever I stay with you.”

He thinks he’s so clever.

Your cheeks flush bright red. "Well yes, but at least we try to be quiet. They’re really loud." You press your lips together in a tight line, briefly wondering where your noise canceling headphones are. "But, it’s not funny. He's kinda creepy-"

"What?" Dean's tone changes from flirty to serious. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know he's-" You shrug as if he can see it. "He's okay."

"You're gonna need to give me more detail that that sweetheart,"

Dean's silver ring warms between your thumb and forefinger as you bite your lip. You had begun wearing it around your neck on a chain. It was comforting, a reminder of the promise he made to you 3 months ago that he hadn't broken.

"Well, the last time he was here I kinda thought he was coming on to me." You confess.

"What?"

"I mean, Suze had just left for work and he asked me if I wanted to get something to eat. But it kinda felt like he was asking me out. And then there was this other time when he walked in while I was changing-"  You shut yout eyes, waiting for Dean's response.

“He came into your room while you were changing?” You can hear the clench of Dean’s jaw in his voice.

Dean was always fiercely protective of you, a trait that you had never found attractive until you met him. It made you unafraid when you went out late to a bar together or when he sat with you in the library in the middle of the night, or when you went on a pizza run at 2 am. Knowing that Dean was there made you fearless in the best way.

“He made a mistake and he apologized.” You wave a hand in front of you as if trying to brush away the thought. “Plus he’ll be gone in a few days and then you’ll be here. You are still coming this weekend right?"

You think about the sneer and the taunt Cooper gave you when you got home about Dean blowing you off. You knew that Dean wasn’t cheating. Sure he was flirty, but you trusted him. If anything Dean probably worried more about you cheating, but you wouldn’t do that to him, couldn’t do that to him, not after everything he’d been through.  You couldn’t imagine yourself with anyone else, didn’t want to. Perhaps that scared you a little, how much you needed him. You’d never needed anybody else before.

"Yes. I’m only two states away and I promise I’m going to make it this time.” The plea for understanding is clear in his voice. “I’m sorry about last time-“

“You don’t have to apologize, I understand. I really miss you though. I wore your jacket today but it doesn’t smell enough like you anymore.”

“You’re weird.”

“You love it.”

“Yes I do.” His voice is softer when he says it, sending pins and needles across your skin. “Did you eat today?” Dean's voice is tinged with worry.

He knew your tendency to forget something like that, especially when you were studying or stressed about a test. Whenever he’d visit, Dean always showed up with food and a bag of snacks that he shoved into your room by your desk so you would remember to eat something when he wasn’t there. It was the question he always asked you because he knew that no matter how intrenched you were in studying it would be enough to pull out of the hole and send you into the kitchen.

“Not yet.”

“Doll-“

“I know. I’ll go out and get something in a bit.” You fiddle with the ring.

“I’d feel better if you ate something now.” Dean says.

“It’s okay I just forgot-“

“Y/n.” He sighs your name, but you still love the way it sounds.

“I know. I’ll wait until Cooper and Suze leave, they’re still watching T.V. I don’t really want to walk out there again.” You press your lips together in a tight line remembering his eyes on you and what he said about considering your options.

Yeah, not going to mention THAT to Dean.

Dean doesn’t say anything for a second. “Who is this guy again?”

“Someone she met at a frat party forever ago. Basically on and off fuck buddy until something better comes around. At least for him anyway.” You remember the last time they broke up and what a mess Suze was. It had made you feel guilty enough to sit with her one night and watch a few rom coms and hold a box of tissues.

No one should go through a break up alone.

“Uh-huh.”

“I don’t know he’s just kinda creepy. Sometimes I think he’s staring at me or whatever. Maybe I’m paranoid.”

“You should go to the bunker for a few days-“ Dean begins to say.

“I’ve got class- plus it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Y/n, I don’t want you staying there with him.”

“Come on it was you that taught me a few maneuvers to get someone to back off.” Your smile turns more into a smirk. “I actually remember you teaching me a few other things too, but I don’t remember those being used to push someone away. I remember those things being better when you’re really close to someone. Might need a refresh when you get here, as I recall I was a good student, very eager to learn.”

“Don’t tease me right now. I really miss you. It’s been too long.” Dean groans into the phone.

“I know. I miss you too. But you’ll be here in a few days and my brain will no longer be mushy and I’ll be all yours.”

“Can’t wait.”

"Be careful."

"I will."

"Tell Sam and Cas I say hi."

"Okay. Text me when you go to bed and please get something to eat.”

"Okay. I will."

"Bye Sweetheart."

"Bye Dean."

When you hang up you feel the weight settle in the pit of your stomach again.

All I have to do is last til the weekend. 3 days, more like 2 1/2 because Dean will be here on Friday. You think to yourself with a sigh.

You lay on your back for a minute thinking about what you planned for the weekend. There was a vintage car show happening only an hour away and knew that Dean would not want to miss that, especially if it meant showing off Baby and spending time with you. When you first started dating officially, Dean had taken you to one a few states over, and had been surprised when he realized you knew almost as much about cars as he did.  Your dad’s obsession with them lead to a childhood of car shows and junkyards and meant you had a healthy dose of car knowledge. You probably would have been a mechanical engineer if you hadn’t liked medicine more.

But then that meant you never would have met Dean. You wouldn’t have been living at the apartment where he collapsed in the hallway with jagged scratches up his chest and a bite mark on his shoulder.  That meant that you wouldn’t have dragged a complete stranger inside and treated his wounds while he complained like a baby and lied about how he got them.

Dean never got better at lying to you. You smile at the memory that's quickly followed by the one of when he chose you. However, you didn’t know that he had chosen you the day that a complete stranger pulled him into their apartment and began to take care of him better than anyone ever had.

The sound of Cooper and Suze laughing pulls you out of your head for a second and brings the weight back down on your stomach.

You just had to survive to the weekend. How hard could it be?

The next two days trickle by. Another test rears it's ugly head, a pop quiz darkens your doorstep, and an overnight shift at the library causes you to drag your feet all over campus. But you welcome it. It meant that you weren't in the apartment long enough to be around Cooper. A welcome bonus to having a busy week, because you couldn't find your noise cancelling headphones and one night was enough.

Dean hadn't been able to call, only text you to let you know that he was still coming and that he was alive. It wasn't the same as hearing his voice.

But you made it to Thursday night, that meant that you would be seeing Dean in less than 24 hours and the anticipation was killing you. You could hardly wait to see him, wished that you could sleep through the next few hours and wake up with Dean.

The apartment is quiet when you creep into the kitchen for a late-night snack, quiet enough that you figured Suze and Cooper had gone to bed a while ago. You couldn't figure out why he was still here. He did not often sleep over, usually Cooper would stay for a few hours and then high tail it to whatever rock he crawled out from under.

The kitchen was small, divided from the living room by a large bar bolted to the ground that ran from one wall and jutted out into the beginning of the hallway that led to your room. It meant that there was only one way in and out of the kitchen, past the refrigerator. Suze's room was directly across from the living room and the front door while yours was further back in the apartment down the dark hallway that also held the bathroom.

You stand up on your toes to reach into the cabinet for the peanut butter. Suze was taller than you and often forgot to leave it on a lower shelf, despite all the times you reminded her.

Come on. Your hand finally closes around the jar-

"Hey." A voice says behind you.

You jump up and hit your head on the cabinet door. "Ow." You groan turning around with the peanut butter jar in your hand, and rubbing the bump with your other one.

Cooper is leaning against the refrigerator door shirtless, wearing a pair of dark boxers that are slung low on his hips. His appearance makes the warm feeling of excitement that you have over seeing Dean so soon fizzle up and die.

I don't have time for this right now.

"Cooper. I didn’t see you. Um- where’s Suze?" You keep your voice even as you look away to get a butter knife in the drawer to your left.

Maybe he'll just go away. You hoped, but honestly you knew it was wishful thinking.

"She’s asleep." Cooper runs a hand through his reddish hair to push it back from his face.

"Oh. Did you need something?" You continue to act like you don't care that he's there, when it's taking all your willpower not to go back to your room. You don't like how dark it is in the kitchen, or the way that his eyes keep tracing your frame. It wasn't that you were wearing anything revealing, you were wearing one of Dean's soft t-shirts that hung past your waist and a pair of gray sweatpants.

But under his gaze you felt, naked.

"I just thought that I’d come talk to you." He sounds casual, nonchalant.

"Why?" You spread peanut butter over the piece of bread before moving it back towards the jar.

"Well, I thought we should talk about us."

Your knife stops halfway in its path. "Us?"

"Come on. It’s obvious that you’re into me."

"What?" You look up at him, face scrunching in confusion.

What the hell is he talking about? You think about all the times you left the room immediately when he walked in, and think about whenever he tried to start a conversation and you smiled tightly and nodded before coming up with an excuse to leave. When have I ever acted like I was into him? If anything I've made it painfully obvious that I don't like him.

Cooper is watching you with the same smirk he had two days ago when he asked you to consider your options. "You’ve been avoiding me because you can’t stand to see Suze and me together."

"No I haven't."

"You have." He smirks wider. "But it's okay. I get it."

"Get what?"

"I get why you're into me. Everyone is."

"I'm not." Your mouth turns downward into a frown.

You don’t have to pretend.” He traces his eyes up and down your body once more, causing a shudder to travel down your spine. “Because I’m into you too.”

“Cooper-“ You breathe, hand tightening on the knife in your hand that is still frozen in the air in front of you.

The temperature in the room seems to have dropped fifty degrees.

“Don’t try to deny it. You always get that cute little flush in your cheeks when you see me.”

“I don’t.”

How many times do I have to say no to this idiot? Is he really that stupid? You wonder to yourself.

“Sure you do. It’s adorable.” Cooper rolls off the refrigerator to take a step into the kitchen. “And I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“Sorry that guy Dean is jerking you around. I’d never do something like that.” His eyes flash in the dim light coming from one of the lamps in the living room.

“He’s not jerking me around-“

“He keeps disappointing you. Let me make you feel better.” Cooper puts his hand on the edge of the bar. He’s still a good 4 feet away, but it’s enough to block you in.

If you wanted to leave the kitchen, you’d have to push past him. And the thought of you touching him or him touching you sends another shiver down your spine.

“Look Cooper. I’m not into you. And as for Dean, our relationship is none of your business-“

“Some relationship. He comes up with those stupid family emergency excuses and ditches you. Do you have any idea what I’d do to you if you were all mine? I’d never leave you ever-“

His confession makes the disgust come roaring back through your chest, followed by the sour taste of bile when you think about what's going to have to happen if he doesn't move out of your way.

You take in a deep breath, standing tall to face him. "But I’m not yours, and I don't want to be yours ever. I’m saying no. No to whatever warped reality you’ve come up with in your head. No to you and me doing anything further. No to me being into you." Your eyes narrow. "And that means two things can happen: one, you go back in that room with your girlfriend or two, we’re going to have a problem. Honestly,  I hope you pick door number one because I’m really tired.” Your hand tightens on the knife.

The truth was you weren’t afraid, more disgusted. If you screamed loud enough Suze would hear you and you also still had a knife in your hand hovering between the two of you. It was more the principle of what was happening that was disturbing, his inability to listen to you, to hear you say no.

“Well I think a know a few ways to wake you up baby.”

"I'm not your baby." You snap.

"You could be-"

"Hard pass."

"Aww come on don’t be like that. We both know you want me." Cooper moves forward a step dragging his hand along the counter.

You back up so that the drawers are biting into your back, knife covered in peanut butter clutched in your hand.

Just because you had taken an oath to heal people didn’t mean you were going to let him walk all over you.

"How many times do I have to say no?” You shout, not caring if you wake up Suze, not caring if you wake up the whole damn apartment building.

"Come on it’s been a while for you hasn’t it? That guy Dean’s been stringing you along, hasn’t been taking care of you. I bet he's selfish, doesn’t take care of your needs. You’re saying no to me for him? I guarantee even a few minutes with me will be well worth it. I bet you I can make you feel things that guy can’t.” He takes another step forward so that you’re almost chest to chest. “So why don’t we go back to your room and I’ll-“

Cooper’s body is yanked backward through the air so fast you get whiplash, cutting off his next words.

What the-

Someone is standing there, hand on Cooper’s throat, pinning him to the black refrigerator so tight against the metal that you’re sure it'll leave a dent. The magnets scatter at the feet of the two men, clattering against the floor sharply.

“She said no asshole.” Dean’s low growl vibrates through his chest and you realize the figure towering over Cooper is your boyfriend.

Your wonderful, sweet boyfriend, who told you he was going to be here in the morning, but wanted to surprise you. Relief courses through your veins at his appearance and you let out a shaky breath to compose yourself.

Dean towers over Cooper, who isn’t tall enough to look over his broad shoulders, let alone be as intimidating as Dean. Cooper's gangly frame and short stature made him look like a hobbit compared to Dean's muscular and tall body.

The heat of Dean’s anger burns through the air of the small kitchen as his eyes narrow, staring Cooper down with pure hatred.

“What the hell? Who are you?” Cooper sputters, clawing at Dean’s grip, but Dean doesn’t move. Scarier still is the fact that Dean is acting like Cooper weighs nothing at all, holding him a foot in the air so he can look into Dean's rage filled gaze.

"Cooper, this is Dean, my boyfriend." You say, finding your voice. "The guy that you said has been 'jerking me around.'" You form air quotes around the words. "Maybe you'd like to discuss our relationship with us, since you have so many interesting suggestions."

Cooper's eyes widen when he realizes who Dean is. "Whoa wait a minute I didn't do anything!"

You'd only seen Dean lose it once before, when you were at a bar late and a guy shoved you out of the way to get a drink at the bar. Dean broke his pinky on the guy's face, but he had looked so good doing it. You told him so as you set his pinky later.

Cooper gasps. "I didn't touch her-"

“What you did was enough.” Dean's face is contorted in fury.

“Wait a minute, come on. She’s acting like a fucking tease! You’re never here, she’s always prancing around in these little outfits-“ Cooper lies, grasping at whatever he can to save his own skin.

“Not her style.”

"Please I didn't know you were here-" Cooper twists his body with his plea, but Dean doesn't let go.

"Even if I wasn't, it doesn't give you the right to touch her." Dean spits.

“Cooper?” You turn your head towards the voice and notice Suze standing in the doorway of her bedroom with wide eyes. Her gaze traces over Dean. “What happened?”

“Hey baby.” Cooper smiles at her, his eyes still wide. “We just had a little disagreement that’s all-“ His hands find purchase against the front of Dean's red flannel shirt.

“A little disagreement?” Dean seethes. “Your asshole of a boyfriend was coming on to my girl.” His hand tightens on Cooper’s neck.

“What?” Suze looks Cooper wide eyed before looking at you. "Is that true?"

"Yes." You say gesturing with the peanut butter knife that you forgot was in your hand, before you place it down on the counter, no longer needing it.

Dean's got this.

"Baby come on." Cooper looks at Suze. "Do you think I would do something like that?"

Suze stands there for a minute looking from Dean, to Cooper, to me. "I don’t know.”

“You know me-“ Cooper smiles despite the situation, hoping that she can get Dean to back off. “You know I love you. You think I would throw you away just because a slut like her comes on to me-“

It’s enough for Dean. The sharp crack of Cooper’s nose breaking beneath Dean’s fist fills you with an ungodly amount of pleasure.

Suze's scream pierces the air as she watches the blood begin to flow down Cooper’s chin and onto his bare chest.

“If you ever talk to her, look at her, or try to touch her again,” Deans voice is a growl. “I’ll break more than just your nose.” He drops Cooper, who slides to the floor holding his broken nose.

Dean then grabs your arm and hauls you through the kitchen and into your bedroom, ignoring the string of curses that pour from Cooper’s mouth.

As soon as the door of your bedroom closes behind you, Dean pulls you against him. You can’t help but melt into his warm embrace, the disgusting feeling that rose with Cooper’s attempts to get you in bed fading away.

"Are you okay?" Dean's voice is tight with the force of his anger, but one of his hands moves up and down your back in a soothing motion.

"Yeah." You breathe, cuddling further into his chest.

The smell of leather, metal, and something spicy that you ascribe to your boyfriend makes the hole that opened in you while he was away close. It soothes whatever residual anxiety you had over what almost happened in the kitchen. You rub your face against his warm flannel with a smile, but when you turn your gaze upwards, you realize that Dean isn’t staring down at you like you thought he would be, he’s staring at the door. You can hear Suze and Cooper shouting at one another and it's quickly followed by the slam of the front door that you hope means that Cooper is gone and wouldn't come back ever.

“Dean?” You whisper.

“I should go out there and tear his fucking head off." Dean growls, tightening his grip on your waist.

"Hey. It's okay-"

"No it's not." Dean spits looking down at you. "Nothing that just happened is okay."

"I know." You soothe. "But it's okay. You handled it. I'm pretty sure that Cooper is never going to bother me again-"

"If he ever shows up here. I don't care if you have classes or a test, you call me immediately and come to the bunker. I don't want you here with him." Dean says, his green eyes piercing. "Promise me."

Dean knew better than anyone that you never broke your promises, no matter how big they seemed.

"I promise."

"Okay." Dean's jaw is still tight, but the tension in his shoulders loosens for a second when he looks at you, until finally he sighs. "I missed you." Dean's thumb brushes against your cheek.

"I missed you too. It was such a nice surprise for you to come early." You smile at him, before arching upwards to kiss him, but as soon as your lips meet, Dean winces, his right hand tightening subconsciously on your waist.

"Ow." He hisses, face scrunching up.

"Dean what's wrong?" Your eyes widen with worry. You reach up to cup his cheek, but Dean makes a face leaning away from your touch.

"Vampire got a few lucky hits in." Dean groans.

"What?" You turn on the lamp on your bedside table.

Both the kitchen and your room had been dark enough to hide the discoloration and swelling of Dean's face, but now that he was in the light you understood why he moved away from your touch. As soon as you turn back to look at him, your mouth drops open noting the split lip, the ugly purple bruise that circles his right eye, and the swelling of his jaw. "Dean!"

"I'm okay sweetheart." He tries to smile, but his lip twitches.

"Where else does it hurt?" You ask him gently touching his face where the skin is bruised.

"Just my ribs-"

You immediately grab the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up and off him with a gasp when you see what's underneath.

"Little eager aren't you doll?" Dean tries to laugh, but winces with the movement.

Black and blue marks mar the muscular skin of his abdomen and curve around the right side of his rib cage in a sickening pattern.

"Oh Dean." You whisper, heart breaking for him when you imagine how much this must have hurt.

"I'm okay baby." He says again, thumb stroking against your waist. "You just gotta be gentle with me tonight."

"You might have a broken rib or a perforated lung-"

"Y/n." Dean sighs. "I'm okay."

"This is more than a few lucky hits." You pull yourself reluctantly from his grasp and walk around him to see his back, following the black and blue trail with your gaze. "THAT’S A BOOT PRINT!"

"Don't shout-"

"What happened to being careful?" You whisper yell looking up into his eyes.

"I was. They ambushed us." He shrugs, but winces again.

"Is Sam okay? Cas?"

If Dean looks this bad what about the others?

"I got the worst of it." Dean half-smiles, but you don't like the way his lip twitches when he does.

You wonder how much pain he was in when he pinned Cooper to the fridge, how much of it he was willing to ignore because you were in danger. The thought warms your heart. He was willing to endure the pain if it meant protecting you.

“Stay here. I’m going to get you some ice-“ You turn towards the bedroom door, but Dean blocks your exit.

“You’re not going back out there.”

“You need ice.”

“Don’t care.”

“Dean-“

“I promise it doesn’t hurt that bad.” His hands find your waist again. “I missed you.” Dean says again.

"I missed you too." You can’t help but smile back moving to hug him, but you stop when he winces. “Dean-“

“I’m fine.” He leans down to kiss you but groans in pain as soon as your lips brush against his. Dean sighs, pressing his forehead against yours. “This is not how I wanted tonight to go."

“And how exactly did you want it to go?” You smirk up at him.

“Well for starters I didn’t want it to begin with that asshole trying to-“ Dean’s jaw clenches so tight together that you’re afraid he’s going to hurt himself. His eyes darken with anger, as he remembers what almost happened in the kitchen.

“Dean I’m okay.” You whisper again. "But thank you. It means more to me to know that you were hurt and yet you were still in there protecting me." Your hand traces over his chest as soft as you can without hurting him.

"I'll always protect you." Dean presses his forehead against yours. "I didn't like the way you sounded on the phone the other day and I wanted to come see you early, didn't want to leave you with him alone."

"Thank you. I'm glad you came when you did." You kiss him on the neck, because it's the only place that you can without hurting him.

Dean sighs. "I can't believe those damn vampires jumped me. I've really missed you." He puts his head on your shoulder, crumbling into you with a sigh.

You sink into the warmth that comes from his body, dragging your hands through his hair while he tightens his arms around your waist with a groan.

"Baby is it okay if we just go to bed? I know that you wanted to-" Dean trails off, mumbling into your shirt.

"Yes it's okay if we just go to bed." You laugh. "I care more about you having broken ribs or a concussion than having sex with you."

"Really? Because we could try-"

“No. I don't want to hurt you, plus I'm also kind of tired. I had a long few days." You soothe. Your hands continue to slip through his hair. "But if you're not going to let me get you some ice, please at least take some Tylenol.”

"Fine." Dean grumbles into your shoulder.

When he falls asleep, you stay up and watch the gentle way his breath moves through his chest and watch how the wear fades from his face leaving him years younger. Worry still tugs at your heart as you examine the bruises and discoloration of his face and you stop yourself from dragging a fingertip over his features for fear of hurting him. Instead, you tuck the covers up around him, settling against him. His arm tightens around your waist in his sleep, pulling you tighter against his bare chest with a sigh. And as you curl into his chest you forget the events of the night and allow yourself to be lost in feel of his heartbeat against your hand and the soft sound of Dean's breath.

Thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to my taglist for this universe please let me know. :)

Taglist: @daisy-the-quake

[444moonbae]

Huntress & Black Canary: DC’s forgotten dynamic duo

long (but worth it) post alert

i’ve always found helena’s relationship to dinah so INTERESTING!!! how helena seemingly idolizes dinah and holds her on a pedestal, because dinah may truly be the only person in the crime fighting biz that doesn't immediately judge her—that she doesn't need to fight for the approval of (*cough* batfam *cough*). i choose to read it as an attachment. one that is similar to her dynamic with batman (in that she searches for approval and comfort), but different because while bruce rejects helena time and time again, dinah does not.

what makes their dynamic even more fascinating is that dinah doesn’t purposely make a home for helena. it’s just who she is or how it happens. the energy isn’t reciprocated in the sense that dinah does not then idolize or pedestal helena in return. it’s sort of a one way street that likely results from the void of helena’s lonely past that causes her to “imprint” on the first person that shows her acceptance. but, because dinah is present and rarely offers rejection, helena thus views her as an object of habitual trust, perhaps even someone that she needs. 

i could be overstating it, but undoubtedly there is a bond between the two worth analyzing, and specifically through the eyes of the Huntress. helena emotionally attaches to dinah because dinah does not turn her away in the way that others that come before her have (due to how she works/goes about business). for once, someone seems to actually care enough to give her the light of day, to give her a CHANCE. and that is a huge change from the unacceptance she is so used to feeling and the lonely she is so used to being. as a child, helena seldom received any validation from important figures (for obvious reasons… i.e. her entire family being murdered), so she sometimes searches for this validation in other people. through this friendship, dinah helps helena realize that she does not have to linger in her own corner of brooding and that she can be apart of a team.

it’s kind of genius, really. and who knows if Gail Simone purposely wrote in all these layers but nevertheless it’s there and it makes sense: girl who continuously gets rejected in her search for approval finally finds someone who doesn’t and in turn, idolizes her. this dynamic only gets more interesting for me when thinking about it from dinah’s perspective; while dinah does really care about helena, she doesn’t necessarily go out of her way to give her that “chance”—she simply does not have preconceived notions about who helena bertinelli is. dinah inadvertently breaks the cycle that helena is caught in. all of this is in terms of the start of their relationship, and to simplify: dinah never goes to helena and says “oh my god you have such a horrible past let me help you!” rather, it is helena who comes across dinah and thinks “wait a sec…? she doesn’t care that i’ve done some bad things? or that batman (AND babs… which is huge bc barbara IS the birds of prey) doesn’t really like me?” it doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to helena. this can be detected in dinah’s own dialogue to her, as seen in the previous panels. however, as their bond strengthens, we do then see dinah going out of her way to directly support and defend helena, even confronting batman herself on several occasions :

i wish this dynamic was explored more, however. it doesn’t help that DC has seemingly thrown helena on the back burner, away from the team that was once so important to her character development. what i’m trying to say is, helena NEEDS to be in the current Birds of Prey run for many reasons, her attachment to dinah and dinah's support of her being one of them. and i hope Kelly Thompson will recognize the importance this has not just for fans like me, but for the character herself. if you know anything about Huntress as a character, she is kind of a "lone wolf" type. by choice, by circumstance, not just cuz of her personality, but because of her origin, too. her joining the Birds of Prey, becoming a prominent figure on a cohesive TEAM, was a huge arc in her development. take it from helena herself, after literally sacrificing her life for dinah :

I would really like to see these two team up again, being that they work pretty well together, visually and literally, but also because it means a lot to helena internally. if we strip huntress away from the birds of prey, who does she really have? where really is she? the answer is no one and no where, a reflection of her current status in the dc universe. helena does not have to be, and should not be, inextricably tied to a team (as some characters unfortunately grow to be) but a balance between co-operation and independence can easily be navigated. in other words, helena works well alone but the birds of prey should remain a comfort zone for her, and a part of her overall purpose. ultimately, having characters and spaces that she is connected to can only be a good thing (i.e. dinah, babs, zinda, the birds of prey). yet, somehow, she is missing in action even while her team is active.

it’s a shame for me to see them operate without her. so, part of my reasoning for her inclusion is Black Canary, as dinah became that important figure in helena’s life— something her character so deeply craves both emotionally and contextually; helena bertinelli needs someone she can rely on and Huntress, as a character, needs to have solid connections within the space of DC’s universe... or else she is at risk of slowly falling into a forgotten pit of oblivion. But when thinking of the birds of prey, i personally do picture a trio— heldinahbabs. of course, the team has always been subject to change, and there is nothing wrong with that (in fact, in volume one, helena only joined in issue #57, while dinah even left in issue #100), but this post is a very long winded way of me wanting to see them together again, even just for a moment. afterall, helena joined for dinah and stayed for barbara. and as someone who is a huge huntress fan, seeing her dynamics explored more with others is a must. but, am i blinded by nostalgia? you tell me. either way, i know helena misses dinah. 

---

bonus: helena lowkey fangirling over the sight of both dinah and bruce fighting together

[jennycouldyoucomebackhome]

Hello and welcome to my essay on why Bulletproof Heart is the most transgender MCR song

First of all, my credentials: -I am trans -I have a Danger Days special interest and this album consumes many of my waking thoughts. (i mean, bulletproof heart url, lmao) -I am obsessed with queer interpretations of songs, especially when I can relate them to my personal experiences

Second of all, a short disclaimer that a lot of this is going to be how I personally interpret the lyrics. If you interpret them differently, I think that's great, and at no point am I claiming to have the sole true interpretation. I'm just having fun.

Next of all, the actual song. Bulletproof Heart on a surface level, is about running away from a suffocating town with someone you trust, and it's about hope and resilience in the face of adversity (and running away from the cops). Just starting with this surface level, you can already start to see why this song could resonate from a trans perspective, but I'm gonna dig further into it.

Gravity don't mean too much to me / I'm who I've got to be. The literal opening to the song and I've already got things to say about it. "I'm who I've got to be" stands out to me. It's not a matter of running away due to wanting to become someone new. It's about running away to start new as the person that you actually are. The line about gravity feels fairly self explanatory. Nothing can hold you down or stop you from running towards this goal, even the laws of physics.

Run away like it was yesterday / And we could run away / If we could run away, run away from here The desire to get out- the desire to run away to somewhere new where nobody knows who you used to be. That's something that resonates with a lot of trans people, myself very much included. The thought of running away to a place where nobody knows your deadname or what you used to look like, or potentially even that you're trans in the first place is something that sounds really appealing, especially to trans kids stuck in an unsupportive place.

I've got a bulletproof heart/You've got a hollow point smile./ Me and your runaway scars got a photograph dream on the getaway mile. I know that in my experience, it was really hard to get close to people as a young, mostly closeted trans person. It's easy to have a lot of walls up when you're afraid of being hurt or ostracized or seen differently than the other people around you. However, sometimes you meet people that break through your walls. They share your dreams of getting out. They've been hurt too, and they get you on a level most people don't.

Let's blow a hole in this town! / And do our talking with the laser beam. / Gunning out of this place in a bullet's embrace / Then we'll do it again. No more putting up with passive-aggressive comments to keep the peace. No more constantly explaining yourself to people who don't actually care. Just you, someone you care for, and the open road in front of you, off to wherever you're starting over. It feels good. It feels freeing. You'd do it a million times over.

(Okay now for the part I've been waiting for. I'm talking about both prechoruses at the same time)

How can they say / "Jenny could you come back home?" / 'Cause everybody knows you don't / Ever wanna come back.

The papers say / "Johnny won't you come back home?" / 'Cause everybody knows you don't / Wanna give yourself up.

Yes. I know this can be read as two separate people, Jenny and Johnny, being told they should come back "home," but they don't want to turn back to a place where they couldn't be themselves You can't "come back" without "[giving] yourself up". However, have you considered that they pack a massive transgender punch if you think about them as one person?

Jenny only having her name used when people are trying to get her to stay- get her back before she's "too far gone," but once they realize they aren't getting her back, the mask slips and the true colors of the people "back home" show themselves once she's already gone and they can't keep her there anymore.

Johnny running away and not even having his name acknowledged as he disappears forever. It's only used in the papers as a last ditch attempt to get him back. It won't work though. It's too late, and he won't turn back. He won't give himself up.

I'm shooting out of this room. / Because I sure don't like the company. / So stop your preaching right there / 'Cause I really don't care / And I'll do it again.

This goes back to the idea of "you don't have to put up with people being stupid and bigoted just so you can keep the peace." If it's not bringing you joy, get out. Tell them to shut up because you're not interested in their justifications for hatred.

Hold your heart into this darkness. / Will it ever be the light to shine you out? / Or fail and leave you stranded. / I ain't gonna be the one left standing. / You ain't gonna be the one left standing. / We ain't gonna be the ones left standing. Showing yourself to the world proudly, walking with certainty towards the unknown. Maybe you're left lost or blinded, but maybe you light the way forward for yourself and others. Even if you aren't the last one standing, you did something and it mattered, no matter how many or how few people it mattered to. Even if nobody knew, it still mattered.

In summary, this could be read as a generally queer song, but to me personally, it resonates more with my trans experiences than anything else. It's a lovely song about being yourself, defying societal expectations, and running away from places that make you feel suffocated in your own skin. And I think that's pretty transgender, and also pretty cool.