#i STILL am waiting on this essay
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god. vessel talking about jaws (kerrang interview)
and saying āyou donāt know someone until you have seen them destroy somethingā
I AM CHEWING THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE I AM SO ABNORMAL ABOUT THIS
#ramble on exie#sleep token#sleep token vessel#i have always loved jaws#because itās always struck me as such an intense and frustrated song#heās asking this person to show him their worst. to be their worst. so that he knows them#but itās still unhealthy because like. itās also implied (to me) that this āworstā is how vessel perceives this persons love#i cannot be normal about this band omfg#my sibling was laughing at me yesterday for being so passionate about carl jungās work#and i was like āyou donāt understand. i wrote a think piece about jungian theory and sleep token. i am insaneā#anyways. jaws is another song i could write an essay on. but that will have to wait until my next mental breakdown
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I didn't know what rainbow effect I wanted to try out so I just threw in fucking all of them lol
#art#digital art#sonic#sonic au#hyper sonic#why yes I AM still mentally ill over hyper sonic thank you for asking#I'll even tell you my most recent hypothetical video essay idea since we're such good friends you and I#The Zero Gravity menu music would be the perfect Hyper Sonic theme and it's solely because of Ultra Instinct#Did that make sense? No? Good that's the point of it being a video essay#Oh wait but the theme has to be slowed that's an important tidbit#Anyway that's all have a good one#sonic fanart
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aaaa I've always wanted to do one of these!! My blorbos over time my beloved....
I grouped em according to some stuff, labels under cut:
#isat odile#molly blyndeff#luke triton#katrielle layton#kazuma hikari#or something. sigh#megaman starforce 4#sara chidouin#Sorey#cassandra tangled#Lan Hikari#Pit kiu#I am Not Tagging All of These#velvet tfh#timekeeper cookie#Yes that's wightbaking. the yugioh card#The OGs just mean the very first blorbos I've ever had. childhood blorbos#one time fling. was really obsessed with them for like. one period. then I moved on#I still put them in a special place in my heart tho; for past me#Hour long essay is self explanatory#''Sketchz wait how do you have an hour long essay for a character that doesnt exist out of a single concept art-'#by making his lore myself obviously#Sorry for putting Sorey of all people in gacha. I'm forcing it a little and Tales of Link was a game#yes the calamity trio get one space together. I'm limiting to one per game/show but I couldnt choose a favorite#I love them all ok#yes the final column I gave up on assigning a theme to them#Ahhh Katrielle. you deserve better
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this feels too soon to say because its still not well over a month that i started uni but like...
im quite happy by how things are going now- it doesn't feel all too restrained unlike my past school years. and apart from that, i feel a lot more independent being able to travel miles away from my home which has been my biggest anxiety as i got older. just the fear of getting lost spooks me a whole lot! even if i'm travelling through a planned route, going all by myself is probably the bravest thing i did this year and i say this as an introvert who doesn't go out all too often
#ive always wanted to share this sudden core memory of mine when i was grade 12: i liked my english teacher a lot and she made us write an-#-essay about something that.. i want to overcome? i think? i forgot but i remember my passage very well#i basically summarized that i feel i haven't developed that well as an adult in terms of maturity and feel that im very left out in social-#-situations. as well as feeling like a serious adult. i basically said that i wish i was given more time to get myself together#then when i got my paper back: my teacher had checked it with a little message near it: and it said something like#āit's okay to experience this - time will wait for you and you still much time to learn and growā something like that. not verbatim but#that's what i remembered so well. when i read that i felt so happy and understood#i am not that close to my teachers but seeing that this teacher cared to really read my passage and not just check for grammar mademe joyous#so remembering that - and now that im in uni - typing this all out as i wait for my bus that will take an hour worth of travel to go to#i feel really accomplished#irl banter#~ rambling#yeah :)#my point is. you're never too late to learn new things
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my beloved imac from 2014 with a cracked screen that i conned my dad into giving me so i had a computer on which to do stupid freelancer shit for him but use primarily for personal use (file storage, use appletv to play streaming sites on our actual tv, play sims) seems to beā¦ā¦engaging in behaviors that for lack of a better way to put this best resemble when my elderly cat started having seizures after a hard summer of kidney problems and we had to be like. oh itās the end the end? obviously less emotional than that but. you know. sheās had a long good life and maybe itās her time. thatās okay. all things end. anyway. all this to say we are trying to coax her into not just waking up again but pretty please just giving me two files that are the backbone of the recurring stupid freelancer shit i do every month. please baby i have hand problems i canāt build those templates again. please.ā¦ā¦ā¦
#also rip to my photos backed up there rip to my huge sims 4 cc folder#but those. well. everything is temporary all things end. i lost all my photos in 2017. i lived. besides most r still on my phone#bc that was a long term work in progress iāve just been out of space on here for months LOL#but christ the system i have for those was a pain in the ass to set up and it wouldnāt be any less work this time#so evaās trying to salvage them.ā¦fingers crossed#we knew she was getting old but i kind of thought sheād last forever for her limited uses#like no she canāt take new software updates but she ran mostly smoothly!!! mostly!!!!#but wow she is. hmmmmmmm well sheās dying. Sad!#ok thatās all. pray for my stupid fucking powerpoints and their stupid fucking linked excel sheet#at least i donāt keep my writing on there LOL lotta school stuff but thatāsā¦oh shit some of that might only be on the comp#oh wait no i think i used google drive for those so i could bounce back and forth w my ipad. ok good i had some good essays probably#but my 100k of fic work recently (guys itās insane iām writing a BIG FICā¦and iām doing it patience mode im fucking drafting the WHOLE THING)#THAT i back up. that i would be sad to lose. i am so glad i am not losing that. that would be worse than the freelancer bs by FAR#but wow i donāt want to remake those. but if i must i mustā¦ā¦#evaās tryingā¦#a ten is blogging
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#ok maybe im not fine with having to wait weeks in order to know the university admission results#my dossary was numbered in the 900s when i made the application and there were still about two days left to apply#mmmm#the maximum number of students is 500...#there are definitely more that applied after me so half of us ain't getting in :|#now some of the numbers will be slimmed down by the motivational essay....... but i dunno how many#I've been told mine is really good so I'm not exactly worried about that but ohhhhh my god#i AM kinda worried about the one i redacted in English tho#I'm going to eat out my lungs i have to wait and mmmmmmmmmm#egg.txt#blood#vent
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THANK YOU!!!! š„°ā¤ļøš§”ššššš©· (weāre doing all the colors here lol) Iām so excited!!!! Iāll take a look at that set list lol. I havenāt heard any of their new songs yet, so Iāll give a listen. As for the interview, thank you. I hope this works out! I canāt wait for this weekend and next week! š
(Me being genuinely happy and in a upbeat mood is a first in a while)
the setlist is really good and they are truly amazing live performers! i'm such a slut for their old songs. also, you can just sit and rest during the ones you don't like (me during ttpd at the eras tour - i didn't even bother to get up for the entire set lmao). but looking at the length of the newest album (LOOM has only 9 songs + 1 remix) it was pretty obvious they would play some oldies. which is good, amazing, i would die to hear those live once again!!! ā¤ļø
it's honestly so good to see you happy and excited!!! it's going to be a great week i bet!
#this is really exciting to me for reasons i can't explain#i used to be such a huge imagine dragons fan for YEARS and i still somehow have a soft spot for them#so i am waiting for that essay patiently!!!#daisy anon#i saved every letter you wrote me*
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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bought a little strawberry plant..also finished unpacking + sorted out some clothes and books i want to donateā¦now 2 submit my first essay + catch up on my lecture + watch succession but most importantly. bought a little strawberry plant..
#also started sula by toni morrison yesterday!!! mads hiiii if you see this mads you. recommended it to me :-) my first toni morrison really#enjoying itā¦canāt wait till my essays r done i am going to clear my room out and bake new types of bread and stick things in my journal (<-#still using it!!) and read books and sort out my spotify and write and finish watching taskmasterā¦ā¦..#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again#sorry for listing the not very interesting things i do or need to do with my daysā¦but this is my way of hanging you with you guysā¦
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Ew, essays :[
I miss the old days of kindergarten when we attempted to color butterflies and ate erasers and glue
-š
I hated kindergarten
Essays may suck but at least now I'm not the weird kid in the corner wishing I had friends
However yes I absolutely despise essays with all my being... in fact!
Achievement unlocked: you somehow found a topic moshie hates enough and on a bad day to start them ranting in the tags...
Warning there are curse words, poor spelling, and caps locks
Sorry in advance
#asks#off topic#seriously tho i hate essays so much#one of them is already 5 pages and thats just the rough draft#i better get a fucking high pass on that shit or i will scream#shes actually making us focus on out writing process and OH HO.HO BOY IS MINE A MESS#I SWEAR ITS LIKE TRYING TO MAKE A SKETCH BUT YOU KEEP PAINTING CERTAIN PARTS BECAUSE IT HAS TO LOOK NICE#ONLY TO RELIZE OH WAIT MAYBE THAT DOESN'T GO THERE AND I SHOULD ACTUALLY SHIFT IT AROUND#OR MAYBE I COULD SWAP THIS TOO BE THAT LOOKS AWFUL AND IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE TILL ITS A RIVER OF BLOOD AND PAINT#AND SHE WANTS TO SEE MY ROUGH DRAFT??? HONNEY YOU WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT READING THE MARIO SUNSHINE SPEEDRUN CATEGORY BACKWARDS THEN#UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE FUCK IM TRYING TO WRITE ITS WHY I HAVE TO WRITE IT ALL IN ONE GO OTHERWISE I HAVE TO LOOK BACK AND UNDERSTAND WHAT#WAS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD WHILE LOOKING THROUGH THIS MESS!!! OOOHH WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO ORGANIZE THIS WELL SHIT THATS GOING TO TAKE EVEN#LONGER YOU ALREADY GOT ME WRITING WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME STOP MUCH LESS MAKE ME SWITCH SUBJECTS TO ANOTHER ESSAY HALF WAY THROUGH OH BU#AND GUESS WHAT!???? ONE PAGE! DOUBLE SPACE! AND IM NOT GOING TO GIVEN GIVE YOU A DIRECTION TO WRITE IN JUST ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT WE LEARNED#IN THESE LAST TWO WEEKS! TWO WEEKS FUCKING HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW INDECISIVE AND FORGETFUL I AM??? MUCH LESS THE FACT KTS ABOUT ETHNICS#I DIDNT EVEN EANT TO TAKE AN ETHNICS CLASS I WANTED ETHICS I FUCKING HATE EVERY SO MUCH RIGHT NOW#LIKE YEA SURE I KNOW THEY'RE IMPORTANT BUT I STILL HATE ESSAYS and j know my teachers are trying their best...#but jeese ethnics is such a difficult topic because on one had yea i relate to what these people are going through im part of the LGBT#are statistics are very similar but im also bery much a white person and not openly trans/non binary i dont want to look like some stuck up#white person going oooo look at the poor minorities i can TotAlLy relate and now im going to talk about me#because im genuinely scared of coming out idk whos accepting and whos not at least online im safe and can block people...#jeese im sorry for the rant i shouldn't have gone on that much less my art blog#this is supposed to be a positive blog but i just need to put this somewhere or i feel im going to cry out of frustration im sorry#rant post#system#oops moshie got emotional
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Love that they take Bella with the gym with them all the time
#*p#What does she even do while she's there#Do they make her work out too#doing little dog squats. idk how a dog would do that how about a dog plank that is possible my dogs love doing that#i've made this exact post before haven't i#i think i probably even said that exact same thing. well without those tags#they take bella to the gym a lot so not my fault#wait. how do they even get her in the gym#why is that allowed#i 've never been to one but i would assume most don't let your dog come with you. did they have to go ask for special permission like#hey i'm famous therefore let me take my dog in the gym with me. said dog is known for peeing on things but ignore that#i need to go write my homework and stop talking about wayv's dog going to a gym. my midterm is next week and i feel like i am stupid#well at least i am confident i won't be the most stupid person in my class#do you think that's enough words yet#it's like i'm writing an essay and am trying to say one thing but repeat it in three different ways and in as many words possible and#wondering why i exist just to write an essay. but that is also just my stream of consciousness#now on to the real reason of this post: i opened this and tell me why i was MOMENTARILY VERY BRIEFLY light headed at the sight of his chest#i'm so confused did the asexualism just leave my body#hmm#no i think i'm good i still don't want to fuck him#crisis over#...i think
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thinking of you and sending one billion hugs
thinking of you back and returning one billion hugs....... i have just been on a train for 5 hours and slowly but surely entering psychic combat with chomsky's government and binding theory. we got invisible pronouns up in this bitch
#i am somehow still doing finals#they're take home essays which is great but the deadlines are. not so great#i spent a full 30 minutes on that train journey desperately looking for if big PRO (invisible pronoun) adhered to binding principle A or B#it was painful on my brain i had to have COHERENT THOUGHT (to my knowledge it should be binding principle A due to the fact that it takes#gender/case/number features from the local antecedent and is bound/c-commanded within the clausal range)#and now i move onto x-bar theory in the syntactical tree structure of grammatical utterances. for reference this is the easiest out of all#i have to do. fun!!!!!#i miss you my friend i hope to return to being able to talk more soon!!! and i hope you are good!!!#i have seen so much of your lovely art on my dash and i literally made a note to go and reblog it soon#i am waiting to do it because i am going to leave so much stuff in the tags it will actually take focus and effort#one million love and happiness for you forever
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Been working on this essay literally all day and I donāt think Iāve gotten any further than where I was at with it this morning
#i have no idea why some essays are just this complicated#honestly i'd just like to write fanfiction or finish my library book right now pls#my whole family is still in limbo right now just waiting. and waiting. and waiting for the phone call.#everything has been so chaotic lately. no peace. no concentration. no motivation.#and apparently there was a shooting at my uni last night in one of the dorms. ssoooo i am on edge#like i could compile a list of all the crazy shit that has happened in my life in the last two weeks but who wants to hear me complain yikes#i need a holiday or a cake or something
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(THE TITLE IS GONE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BRING IT BACK) [Okay so this unintentionally turned into a mini essay(can I call it that?) about my experience with Undertale and video games in general- Is this how I am suppose to use Tumblr?]
Going back maybe around the year of 2015 or 2016 (I was 11), my brother showed me a video clip of what looked like an image of a calculator attached to a vacuum chasing after a child.
Younger me: "I guess math is scary?"
Of course I didn't know it at the time, but that calculator was a character from the game called Undertale.
Some time in December my siblings sat me down on our living room couch and then made me play this game with a controller (I mained keyboard and mouse). They guided me through a pacifist run, a play through of the game where you do NOT kill anything and you better swear to not even look at that FIGHT button or else- Or well at least that was how it felt. At the beginning I didn't know why I had to avoid fighting at all cost. I was just told that it wasn't the best option. When I finished the game, I didn't want to play it again or do it any other way... but that might just be because I got too emotionally attached to the characters... But then if lets say my siblings didn't tell me anything or help, would I have still gotten a neutral route? One where I end up killing some of the characters?
To start with my gaming experience at that point has been mostly these games: Minecraft, Garrys mod, and Team Fortress 2 (Maybe a bit of Terraria?)
So, I had no reason to really assume the "at 0 health you faint" like in Pokemon, because in games like Terraria and TF2 you die, explode, or combust into confetti when you reach 0 (mostly explode). Also in most of those games hurting anyone (even on accident) generally leads to death for one or both sides. In Minecraft you did the little up-down crouch animation and then jumped around when the other joined in. Somehow even in TF2, a game where you can decapitate your enemies, has a subtle way of communicating "Hey wait! Lets be friends." -Which happens sometimes when one side doesn't shoot (and prolonged awkward eye contact).
In a weird way we had Undertale before it was even a thing, it's just that most games never really have a built in "friendly" system when the main goal is to kill. TF2 might be one of those exceptions (did you know you can heal your own enemies by throwing a sandwich at them?). However even then it all depends on how you or the person reacts to non-combative or passive behavior. Personally I try to treat any kindness in return in any game, and take the punches if I fail. So, I like to think I would have ended up doing the pacifist run first time around.
I am also pretty sure that moment where Sans gives you the whole "you gained love not LOVE" (Level Of Violence and... Experience?? wasthereevenan"E"?) talk flew over my head... because well I think I remember genuine confusion- Clueless 12 year old: "like yeah man that's how the game is supposed to go right?? But thanks ig??? Also why did you say it in caps?"
[I couldn't find the video so have the gif version of the Vine that was used]
#help#am i doing tumblr right#mini essay#undertale#i know deltarune is a thing but is undertale still alive?#wait i can make anything a tag?#a few other games are mentioned#tf2#minecraft#terraria#do i even bother tagging gmod?#ferretoat thoughts
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Absolutely fascinating to be in the middle intersection of knowing that Thing is really popular, and that because Thing is popular there's a fair bit of vocal backlash to thing (because people are very mad Thing is popular when they don't like it) and you find yourself running through the unpleasant takes (not bad, just not what you're here for) from people who don't like Thing like snow white running through the scary fucked up forest until you finally find the fucking cottage where people who like Thing talk about Thing. Then you pass out in the cottage and when you wake up a bunch of small and opinionated creatures still carrying their burdens from the content mine arguing about Thing and also now your presence in relation to Thing bc you were clearly fleeing from the bad takes forest. This metaphor isn't what I wanted it to be but you get the idea
#ramblings of a lunatic#it's 20 to 1 in the am rn I am waiting for this stupid fucking DVD to encode#I've been doing this for 11 hours and 15 minutes according to the tracker and I'm. actually so close to the brink of eternal damnation#because of the fucking disk#anyway i. am not your dad and cannot tell you how to live your life but I do think that it's probably a tad impolite-#-to tag your dislike of Thing with nothing except the Thing tag. like no ''Thing critical'' no ''anti Thing''#or anything else that's easy to censor and block#just putting it in the tag for people who like Thing#alright. that's a choice but alright#I'm very tired.#either someone needs to rock me to sleep like a baby or theh shoot me out back like a dog#hi sorry i took a break from making this to check on DVD and IT DIDN'T WORK!!!! I FUCKING ENCODED IT WRONG AND FOR WHAT#TO WAIT FOR ELEVEN HOURS NOT KNOWING I FUCKED UO#IT'S ONE AM#GOD FUCKING DAMMIT#fuck it. man. I'm finishing my big essay tomorrow anyway. I'm gonna fuckin. do that. and then I'm gonna burn these dvds#i only have about. 3 days to do em all (and i still need to get some. sweats)#but yknow what fuck it what else am I doing. who cares!!!#i was gonna type something mean here but i have to hope that my fuckups and failures will not be for nothing#god. anyway#night yall. happy last day of December
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Dr's be like " GooD News! We can't find anything wrong with you! So keep an eye on your symptoms and come back if anything changes! :D"
.... i guess i'll just keep collapsing/nearly passing out whilst feeling exhausted all the time and being unable to string more than three thoughts together with muscles that ache from sitting and being unable to walk more than 10 mins without getting out of breath then .... ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
#tag essay / rant#el rambles#personal#health stuff#nothing against Drs in general (the NHS is an absolute blessing <3) but like look at my record#of never going to the drs for any issues for 25+years#would I be here just for the lols? mayhaps im there bc i feel like sumting is not right with me atm#it's only since feb when i went down hard with The covid and I just haven't bounced back yet#(my friends and office people think its long covid but i refuse to accept that - i will be so pissed if it is)#my main concern is that its impacting my work#and I've managed to push through the last few months by having no life outside of work but thats not sustainable#and also even if it were sustainable - im still exhausted and struggling at work even when im doing nothing outside of work#also like ... if nothing chnges this is still not my optimum/my norm so am i meant to wait for it to get worse?#like regularly loosing consciousness in public?#im thinking maybe go back in a few weeks and be like - TeCHNically nothings changed but this still isnt my norm plz find something#whispers to the void#at least i found some gentle herbal sleeping tablet that have been working for me this past week...#small wins#ty for listening <3
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