#i LITERALLY got bribed into making him jimmy

[rhapsoddity]

what happens when I want to make Witchcraft SMP fanart, but also want to an art study? this apparently lol

this based on Gustav Klimpt’s The Kiss :) 

it’s Scott and his potential dead boyfriend :D

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #27

The Battle of Big Wand

Part 2 of reacting to this episode (spoiler-free)!

Cosmo talking about the Big Wand going down: Better check with I.T. Hazel: Just I.T.? No fancy fairy name?

why is this so funny to me

Y'know... I've have a post in my drafts for ages that mocks Anti-Cosmo's castle entrance for not being wheelchair-friendly (because the road is covered in spikes). If he took over and then put spikes on this new road, I'm gonna lose it.

OH, I NAILED my "After thinking about it, this is my final answer" prediction. Dev is in the house! oh, good gravy.

This is the second time he's tried to be a king, and I think it's funny he hasn't tried to be a company president or anything. Not fantasy enough for him.

It's stupid funny to me that Dev just turned 10 and he's got impressive muscles when he flexes. what is this child doing- bench pressing solid gold??

We've been robbed of Dev wishing himself into one of the puzzle games he likes and getting buried under, like... Tetris blocks and having to claw his way out.

That might make a good 'fic; I feel like "wishing to be inside an app" is very correct for him.

??? whaaat does he have? He's got portable wishes of some kind? Is it a shooting star? oh, goodness. Let me think, let me think...

!! Crocker has these in the finale of Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 1. He throws them at the ground near fairy guards to poof them into animals. They're grenades. lmao, Dev got into the Fairy Armory.

Canonically, the Fairy Armory is the only place in Fairy World that still has power during outages, so... epic magic fight with weapons?? Ooooh, I hope so!

Irep is back, I knew it!! Part of me suspected he wouldn't be here because he's not really known for being a team player, but I'm glad he is :) Let's go Anti-Fairies!!

I'm delighted Anti-Cosmo isn't taking lead. Also, for some reason it's hilarious to me that Irep is focused on Hazel and not interested in addressing Cosmo or Wanda. He used to greet them as Auntie and Uncle, and now he's like "I don't need their approval or love."

Uh-oh... Has he sorted out his needy issues? If he's too old for naps and we can't bribe him with hugs, how will we defeat him??

I wanted to see if he uses their honoraries in "Fairly Odd Fairy Tales" (since he does it when he's being polite and I knew he was offering food). He doesn't, but I like how Wanda straight-up fed her nephew an apple that puts him to sleep until his true love kisses him, then looks dead at the viewer and says "And then we all lived happily ever after." Is the implication that no one will ever love him, so he's unconscious forever?? omg. Wanda's very black and white view of things is so incredibly funny to me, especially since she grew up in a mob family.

I'm excited to see Dev and the Anti-Fairies. Who would win: the species that invented papercuts, or a little boy who longs for lemonade?

Are you telling me Cosmo and Anti-Cosmo are BOTH intimidated by Irep now? Either this is about to be super funny, or they've switched.

Did Anti-Cosmo finally step up his parenting? Not out of the question; in Season 10, Foop was in time-out for putting spiders in his spaghetti.

(How ironic, considering Foop liked eating spiders).

I rewound and Cosmo jumps when the magic hits, before he sees Irep, so he's not necessarily afraid of him. Also, keeping my fingers crossed for anti-family interactions. I'm really looking forward to a face-off between Irep and Peri; their banter is my favorite and we didn't get much in "Best of Luck."

I'm so glad that despite changing his name, Irep presents himself with the same flair he always did. He is the same person...

omg, his little cufflinks. He's adorable.

For some reason, I've called him "posh British boy" in two previous posts, but... idk why, because he's literally never been posh and I know that. I'm glad he looks like his aesthetic is "bad boy with the tiniest detail of fancy."

I hope he's still friends with Sammy Sweetsparkle :) Maybe they're in a gang. I know there's 0 chance of Sammy being in this episode, but can you just imagine if Foop took out his wallet and there's a picture of Sammy in it.

Actually... if he's got a little metal circle there, I think that implies his jacket is closer to denim than leather. Lemme check......

OH, interesting... Yeah, he and Sammy don't match.

I don't say it enough, but it's really freakin' funny to me that Foop spends a distressing amount of "Certifiable Super Sitter" following Sammy or spying on Sammy and/or reacting to everything Sammy says. He's just Like That... Like, I enjoy the implication that of all the places Foop could go when his parents canonically left him unsupervised for the week, he likely chose to hit up the Turner place in spite of his hatred for Poof because Sammy is there. Silly.

Anyway...

Dev: Yeah, yeah, yeah... and Irep. Joint conquerors of Fairy World.

OMFG, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Was I RIGHT that Anti-Cosmo isn't even at the takeover!? Local introvert hates leaving his house and never wanted Fairy World anyway; more at 11. I'll be there!!

Plot twist, Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda don't actually show up in this episode because they're busy flirting while Irep's away.

I clocked the design aesthetic of the taken-over Fairy World as "This is Irep and Dev as partners; Anti-Cosmo wouldn't do this" so hard. crying. how did I do that. it's not getting better than this.

"Let's get DEV-ious!!"

dlkfgm, once again losing it at Dev using his first name rather than the "Dimm" part of his surname when he makes puns. He's a Dimmadome, but... he's kind of his own twig on the tree.

It is unreasonably funny to me that Irep's wand is so heavy considering he had massive muscles as a child after his Abracatraz imprisonment ("Spellementary School" & "Timmy's Secret Wish").

Also, I am FASCINATED by the decision to give Irep one little zipper tab that hangs off his jacket. Impeccable.

I love this team already. These are two people who are both known for:

- Coming from upper class families - Having parent-related abandonment issues - Not showing a lot of restraint - Only showing restraint when they've REALLY gone too far

Hmm... Oh boy, let me think. We know Dev's [previous] line was that he didn't like his dad shocking people's brains for money, with Dev having strained feelings even when he was trying to convince himself the shocks could be good ("You can help kids!") And he did feel bad about fighting with Hazel, though he's definitely Going Through the Wringer right now.

And Irep's line in the OG series is that he was totally down for:

- Tormenting his parents - Annihilating Crocker for not inviting him to his house party (whom he hilariously calls Denzel when he's mad at him) - Pointing his school's playground slide into the void - Sending Cosmo and Wanda on a dinner date to a black hole - Poof dying (despite the fact their lives were tied together)

- but he wouldn't allow anyone to harm Chloe, who finally introduced him to hugs.

He made it very clear he wasn't willing to face Vicky to save his own life, even on the verge of death, but he'd do it for her or for chicken cordon bleu. And she's not here, and we're all out of chicken cordon bleu. Uh-oh…

- Would Irep rate Hazel hugs 10/10? Inquiring minds need to know. - Is Dev bribing Irep with hugs? Or is Irep just here for the chaos and assurances that Dev's having more fun with him than Peri? - Is Irep bribing Dev with hugs? Are they pumping each other up with positive affirmations?? Go king; continue the healing cycle!

If Irep's parents show up, I hope he's on good terms with his mom, who used to pack chicken nuggets and anti-venom in his lunch box :)

Dev's faith in his ability to not fall off his O-pairs makes me nervous every time he's ever been onscreen.

His dad might let him down, but the O-pairs never have.

[ cnt'd - #Long post ]

All I've been thinking about for ages is an AU where Dev and Mikey Munroe (Bunsen Is a Beast) switch drones for a day, so Mikey's parents freak out that they can't monitor their son 24/7 and meanwhile, Dev just... can't get his dad's attention despite the two-way microphone and camera screen. Also, Mikey spends most of his time making noises into the O-pairs' fans. It's always been my headcanon that Mikey's parents installed the Buxaplenty's and Leadly's security systems (hence the buttons releasing different dogs & the lethal lightning bolts) since I think "ooh, rich people want us" helps justify why his parents are gone for months or years at a time when we know their job is designing home security, so basically... all the cool rich people use them. I actually have a WIP of Mikey and Remy playing near the Buxaplenty train tracks when they were little, but I never found a plot point strong enough to carry it to the end. Anyway, I've been waiting to see what the Dimmadomes have in terms of security, but it's... nothing yet. Plot twist, Dale has trust issues even with the people installing security?? ... I think he'd be friends with Mikey's parents. Maybe. Actually, I might need a 'fic about Dale having a meltdown when he goes home for the first time in 7 years and doesn't trust that Vicky won't sneak in to get him. He needs the world's best security team. It's two terrible parents afraid of literally everything. Yes, they ditched their kid for this. Don't worry about it. y'know... It's really messed up that Mikey's parents are terrified of everything, but they leave their 12-year-old home alone with the pets for months or years at a time, "but it's fine because they're spying on him 24/7 and sometimes give him gifts (like medicated wipes)." His dad is implied to have a fear of germs and I've always wondered if that plays into them not being anywhere near Mikey... Plot twist- We pull a "My Gym Partner's a Monkey" (where the reason we don't see Adam Lyon's parents is because they're severely allergic to animal hair and Adam has to thoroughly wash when he's home and they can't go to school events), but it's Mikey's parents fleeing Muckledunk because they're either allergic or afraid of Beasts. They left their son... Okay, I just checked my notes and I have a line here that says "Mikey's obsession with soft things like animals, beards, and blankets is probably because his parents never touch him." help??

Anyway, I think an AU where Dale hovers over Dev 24/7 and is still a terrible dad would be funny. Instead of neglect, it's obsession... Especially at this age since Dev's as old as Dale was when his trauma started.

... Is Dale putting distance between himself and Dev on purpose because Dev looks exactly like him and is now the age when Dale's life came crashing down? idk if Dale had access to mirrors back then, but that's gotta be weird.

crying at Irep waiting for his cue to pull Dev's flashbacks down from the top of the screen. They rehearsed this. Painfully in-character (In "Secret Wish," Foop claims he waited 10 minutes outside so he could burst in at a dramatic moment).

The way Irep twists his legs gives me Anti-Cosmo vibes.

Rare "Winn without cap" spotted in the wild.

Dev has the room oriented the wrong direction and in doing so, he forgot to include the door. Emotionally, he's stuck in this room. lmao.

Maybe it's a class that's not Guzman's since we know from "Multiverse of Jenkins" that these kids do attend other classes. But... Dev, what's goin' on, buddy?

INCREDIBLY funny to me that Bev sits directly in front of Dev? I gotta go back and fact-check that sometime. Has he been harboring his crush on her because she's right there? That's great!

??? If she DOESN'T sit there then I have to assume Dev is just so Bev-centric that he WANTS her to be there, and that's very funny. Go chase your sporty crush, rich boy. I support you.

Okay, I went back, and it seems his canon seat is between Bev and Kev (with Kev behind Hazel), but Kev vaporizes when we need to center Hazel and Dev onscreen at the same time (such as Dev faking sick and Hazel glaring at him). Oh my glob, he's another witch... Dev, embrace your ancestral witch-hunting for me, plz and ty. It would be funny... /checks my witch notes as a joke and screeches to a halt. Oh my goodness, I could finally get a Soil Tribe child in my roster... I have their magic down as "causes host to fade unnoticed into the background," and it would be very funny to do something magical with the child model. ??? On my first watch of "28 Puddings Later," I don't think I saw that scene of Dev falling over and losing his shades when the pudding throne collapses. Must've missed it while taking notes. That's cute.

I like how Dev's memories are 2D like the photos we've seen throughout the series. Also, Hazel's so dang cute.

I'm glad Dale's pants look the same in both the New Wish and old 2D style despite no FOP character ever wearing anything with that many dots.

I like that Dev's hair is much shinier than his dad's, implying Dale still has the dullness that comes with being soft instead of slick.

- I'm assuming this means either Dev's hair is gelled or he gets that from the maternal side of his family? - idk man, this is very in line with my "Dev's mom is a Leadly" headcanon... At this point, I can't NOT torment him with two very rich and extremely messed-up sides of his family... They both have extreme branding and weird fixations and funky buildings and run big businesses that have brought in incredible amounts of money and they like tech and call people the wrong names... do you see what I see...

I'm DELIGHTED Dale's hair curls up in the back. I've been so sad that he lost his tuft when he grew up. This is clever.

!!! oh yeah, Dale has his dad's stripe! Technically he and Dev both have the stripe, but I love the subtle differences in their hair. While collecting screenshots for an earlier post, I noticed the hair above their ears is combed in different directions, like this:

- with Dale showing the stripe much more clearly than Dev does. I like the implication that Dev's stripe is gold. That's really cute.

I checked, and the gold streak does seem to be in the place he has the Dimmadome family stripes in his 2D form (Eyebrow level). Neat!!

Aw, Irep's a big boy! And his hair grew out blue!! Parents' genes came out kickin'. I did wonder. I think it's funny his mustache and goatee are still black.

Despite losing the black hair, he's not yet immune from "Irep, are you sure one of your parents wasn't actually pixie?" allegations. This is stupid funny to me... In my Cloudlands AU, the Anti-Fairies are always dunking on him for having black hair like Anti-Cosmo's ex-wife, but no one can say anything because unlike Anti-Cosmo's first heir (Talon), Foop was born with the iris virus (colored eyes), so he's "been accepted by the nature spirits" and is heir apparent.

... Seeing this many colored eyes is giving me incredible amounts of anxiety, but it would not be appropriate to clarify why out of context. I like the guy with hair over his eyes and a big hat.

Is Irep leading the charge these days? Do the Anti-Fairies take orders from him?

Did Anti-Cosmo step down!? Because considering how much he hates conflict, I wouldn't be slightly surprised, omg...

I think it's funny that if Dev uncovers any official documents or watches memory clips that flashback to Irep's past crimes, he'd probably be like "Why is there no paper trail for this Irep guy? who tf is Foop?"

WAS that his experience of browsing the anti-web? I have to assume it was- I can't imagine Anti-Fairy World would cross his path without Foop's name coming up.

?? Considering that in my previous post, I said I couldn't think of any reason for Anti-Cosmo to desire taking over Fairy World unless he managed to score the earth and/or godkids out of it...

I'm so glad Dev just dropped "They have to take over Fairy World so they can rule Earth." slkdfj?? okay...

Irep: Now we can rule BOTH! Anti-Cosmo: That just sounds like scoring godkids with extra work.

THEM!! I am once again so intrigued by the lore that A.J. went into parascience and is following in Crocker's footsteps?? You've no idea how much I need to know what the A.J.-Crocker relationship is.

crying at Irep making a peace sign when he gets in front of the camera with Dev. Doesn't he do that in his profile pic on Dark Laser's phone? He's literally the same person he's always been. I missed him so much.

PLEASE do not tell me Dev's full name is Development "Devin" Dimmadome. The quote marks Dale puts around "Devin" are making me lose it.

Dale's partner: Honey, can you stop thinking about business for 5 minutes so we can pick a name for our son? Dale, who comes from a family that usually just slaps their name on things: I got this.

?? I'd LOVE to know what's going on with Dev's mom. Did she die in childbirth and had no say in naming her son, and Dale took over from there? Is she alive, but divorced from and/or passive around him?

Like... I have to assume she had the most exquisite prenatal care through a rich family like this, especially if we assume she also came from a wealthy family cough- Leadlys.

Holy flipping plot twist, does Dev not have a mom at all? He looks exactly like his extraordinarily wealthy dad. Was he just cloned so Dale could pass the business on someday? Did Dale just kinda buy him and wait for the surrogate to hand him over, and he never formed any attachment to him as a baby because he had the O-Pairs / au pairs raise him? lmao!!!

Traumatized beyond belief for 7 years by a girl his age so he trusts absolutely no one and never learned what a healthy relationship was like even with a partner, let alone his son. smh.

Actually, it's very funny to think of him and Vicky splitting up. Like, it was extremely toxic and not romantic in the slightest, but she straight-up identified him when she saw his face in "Operation: Birthday Takeback" even though logically, that would have been 70 years since she was last close to him. She probably knew him pretty well, especially since his hair has changed.

Timmy can't have frozen the timestream any earlier than Channel Chasers in Season 4 when he learns he'll lose Cosmo, Wanda, and his memories when he grows up, which is the reason he cites for freezing time in "Timmy's Secret Wish," and that was 50+ years. It's been 20 more on top of that for Dale to grow up and his son to turn 10. We know Vicky and Doug Dimmadome very, very occasionally crossed paths in later seasons (Vicky tries to sell him the Stryker Z in Season 3's "Engine Blocked").

If anyone cares, this (Season 3) is presumably where Dale grew up unless Doug took him to Dimmadelphia.

Like?? Something about the fact that Vicky and Dale are the same age is funny as heck to me. New Wish canon heavily implies Vicky's been taking advantage of Dale since they were 9, and they might've been friends once upon a time (despite the fact that in both New Wish and the OG series, she can never remember who the Dimmadomes are, lol).

There's no way Doug did a good job of looking for him, or Vicky would've turned him in for reward money. I wonder if Dale had a history of sneaking off to play with Vicky and just never came home one day.

Do you think that after her bossing him around for 7 years, Dale was really messed up and didn't know how to make choices for himself?

Oh, that's awful!! Who would write a 'fic about him running away to look for Vicky and beg her to take him back because he doesn't know how to be a person anymore and needs schedules and instruction? Who would do that?? I'm fascinated by their dark, twisted, and incredibly under-explained vibe. Haha, I'm in danger...

oh no, and Dev even told us his father relies on algorithms over his own thoughts, and we KNOW Dale was upset his publicity team said he should talk to people face to face instead of sending the O-Pairs or hiding behind holograms... A snarky Dev told us he thinks "talking to people isn't [Dale's] thing..." I'm connecting the dots...

hey wtf. does Dale have issues with scraping by in the dirt and dark with limited food and water and nothing to his name for 7 years and that's why he freaks out when he loses money? He can't handle the thought of not having a house??

Holy flip, I wish he'd communicate his trauma to his son, but I'm yelling that we keep seeing hints that he's withholding things from Dev. Like ?? Dale explains his thoughts all the time (in monologue fashion), but he's clearly keeping some things under wraps since Dev didn't have any concept for who Vicky was or why she knew his dad.

I genuinely think Dale doesn't want Dev to know the details. Dev didn't even seem to have a good grasp of why he isn't allowed lemonade, or at least that was my read considering how grumpy he was about it.

omg, this is horrible. who would write a 'fic about Dale taking his son camping and then slipping off to have a total meltdown where Dev won't see. who would do that.

Like, I think at this point they're so rich, you'd have to assume they're not at risk of losing everything if Dale took time off work, but we KNOW he's stuck on that schedule Vicky raised him with (working on Saturdays, which we see him do multiple times), and we KNOW he's always trying to claw his way up despite having the money to buy literally anything he could ever want.

And we KNOW Dale's big thing is that he loses his entire flippin' mind when the money slows down ("You still making sales?" / "Yes, but they're dropping, Dev!") and he's willing to stalk and hurt people to keep it coming in.

Y'know, this is continuing my theory that Doug Dimmadome is probably dead. I legit think Dale lost his support system (possibly around Dev's birthday considering how clingy he is about boots and says they came into his life on that day, plus the golden boots with the "In honor" plaque he has in his house). Daddy's not bailing him out of this one...

Lovely that Dale's first words to Dev after finding out he's taken over Fairy World are "My son." Oh, NOW he wants to talk...

I also find out my son is working with the fey and immediately drop his full legal name.

Why is Dale both the worst person alive and the only dad ever? I need to flatten him with a cruise liner (carnally).

Happy boy... (Dev, don't trust him.)

omfg, Irep's not buying this for a second.

?? I feel like it makes things WORSE that Dale seems at least a little aware of how upset Dev is about the boots? "I'm so proud of my son; it almost makes me want to throw away my boots." - There's no way he doesn't know he's been screwing with Dev's head for the last 5 months. omg.

- Hey, does Dale treat Dev this way because Doug made Dale feel like he was playing second fiddle to his giant hats?? I can't help but notice this whole city has a hat theme, yet Dale doesn't seem to care for hats at all... which is interesting, because we know Dimmadelphia existed way before Doug got here. Doug in my theory: /died 10 years ago Dale: If I touch Dad's hats or add boot statues around the city, he'll totally kill me. - ?? I guess the alt theory is that Dale put all the hat stuff up as memorials to his dad, which doesn't sound far-fetched since again... he keeps THIS in his house:

... Huh. I guess it could be a trophy for Dale instead of a memorial. That's another relevant time to use "In honor." What does it say about me that "omg his dad is dead and he bronzed his boots as a keepsake" was my first thought when I saw this in "Operation: Birthday Takeback" and not "Dale is successful of his own merit"? Obsessed with the implication that Dev's brand image is his sunglasses... Three Dimmadomes go down in history: The Hat, The Boots, and The Shades.

I still think Dale should have a gun. Not to be helpful; just to keep things spicy...

Please go to the Fairy Armory: the one place in Fairy World that canonically keeps power during blackouts. I am begging. I feel like his Southern daddy would want this for him. Doug had a flamethrower.

Is Dev still holding those magic grenades, and what would happen if someone tackled him in a hug?

SDLJKFSDKLFJSDF I'm on the floor. Did I call it? No way... But is Anti-Cosmo only going to show up now that Dev's giving godkids to Anti-Fairies??

Irep: Yo, I'm going to take over Fairy World; anyone want anything? Anti-Cosmo: The same thing I always want: a new child. Irep: wtf

Oh, all that time I spent speculating instead of actually watching the episode the night I started was so worth it. I was really nervous people would grump at me for how I see Anti-Cosmo, but now I feel like I was set up for a slam dunk.

Also, I like how Dev's taken over Jorgen's office. I didn't notice at first, but that's clever.

Dale is so proud despite the fact Dev taped his mouth shut and tossed him aside. That's so funny...

omg, this pit looks dark.

Will Dev torment his dad with lemonade? Is Dale going into the dark torture pit that swings open from the top like a trapdoor, which parallels his underground trauma to a T, or is that going too far?? Is Dev going to dump on his dad about Vicky? Will Dale freak out when he realizes he accidentally hired his abuser of 7 years to babysit his son? Will Dale be joining Club Redheads Who Didn't Get Mindwiped? (I hope not, because Vicky's in it). Will Dev bully his father while he has all this power and then wipe his mind?? So many questions. Find out next time...

[br1ghtestlight]

love how bob seems to be completely out of it for this entire episode. like gene and tina are barely following along with linda and louise's insane reverse psychology game but bob is GONE like he's not present at the dinner table he isnt even part of the family. he just grumbles when linda tells him to but he isn't saying shit 😭😭

TINA AND GENE ARE SO SILLY IN THIS EPISODE LMAOO head empty zero thoughts. they are nothing more than pawns in louise's game

bob is correct for wanting to bribe them with candy that would literally work. like they are simple people

WHAT IF THEY TURN INTO LITTLE DELINQUENTS WHO DONT LISTEN TO AUTHORITY??? linda do you know who your kids are they are already WELL past that point especially louise. kinda funny that linda in this episode has the exact opposite viewpoint to how she was w/ louise in amelia. not a criticism of the episode its just ironic

BLACKMAIL

ARE YOU GONNA KILL US LMFAO

gene is SO BABY in this scene im gonna need to take screenshots later bcuz he is the smallest boy. in the world or maybe ever

back when we were children?? says the nine year old child

love how this episode is told through a bedtime story its very creative formatting and kinda unique feeling compared to the three story type of episode :)

MR FISCHOEDER APPEARANCE thank god we always need more fischoeder in our lives. i was worried we would have to wait weeks or even months to see him again

love big g. is that perhaps Grandma or Gloria

ZEKE AND JIMMY JR this is the big win for people who like seeing secondary characters. this episode already has more of them than like the Entirety of season 13 zeke and gene are so cute. their friendship is everything

THEY SEEM NICE TO ME AND LOVING I WANNA SAY AND WISE LIKE THEYVE GOT ALL THIS WISDOM TO PASS ON ABOUT LIFE AND THE WORLD 😭😭😭 lmao zeke saying that bob and linda are loving and kind is kinda sweet even though i know its technically bob and linda saying that about themselves. i do think zeke has a positive view of bob and linda Tbh

YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE YOU WORK SO HARD ALL THE TIME AND YOURE DELIGHTFUL........

new jimmy jr lore: he has a small bladder?

BOB AND LINDA GIVING EACH OTHER PIGGYBACK RIDES <3 so cute

rudy AND jessica spotted

AAWWWW ITS OUR JOB TO PROTECT YOU they love their kids so much :(

MARSHMALLOW APPEARANCE WTF??? new voice actor too :D i thought if she was gonna be in any episode it would be the bachlorette episode but its kinda funny she's just randomly in a western. its where she belongs

wait did i die?? no you were just being dramatic :/

I DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHY MR FISCHOEDER WAS GONNA SERIOUSLY SUGGEST TO USE REAL BULLETS mf just shoots a bunch of kids. i mean he would do that honestly

AWW BOB SPECIAL INTEREST MOMENT he likes cooking ^_^

everything i do i do it for you 😭😭💕

LINDA ACTUALLY CRYING THIS IS GONNA BREAK MY HEART wtf i wasn't expecting this episode to actually get sad. what the hell </3 louise making her mom cry.....

"even though its really cool for moms to get angry and frustrated and cry in front of their kids"

this is weirdly reminding me of mother daughter lazor razor?? linda saying that she wished louise liked her and then louise saying wait you think i dont like you. their relationship is so weird and complicated but louise DOES love and respect linda and thinks she's really cool and fun!!! i wont hear otherwise idc

ONE OF OUR CHORES WAS TO LIGHT GRANDPAS CIGARS LIKE IN OUR MOUTHS??? LMAO WHAT THE FUCK LINDA why is this getting like weirdly serious is every episode gonna be like this now. are they just a little bit traumatic to watch every single time (also john roberts did A GREAT job voicing in this episode especially this ending scene)

MOSTLY BECAUSE OF TINA RIGHT AND GENE why did i literally start laughing loudly when she said that. god i love louise so much

aww they're babies <3 their relationship is the sweetest. you'll the toughest little cutie in prison

LIKE I SAID CANDY WAS LITERALLY THE SOLUTION those kids will do anything for some candy we all know this. we've seen the show before

gene its not even a question you WILL play coachella someday baby boy. you could probably do anything you wanted

GLORIA APPEARANCE i mean i dont like her but its been a few seasons since she was around. hello gloria is al dead

wait why does gloria have big ass badonkadonks..what who said that

aww the babies all asleep <3 little sweethearts

THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUN AND CUTE??? like genuinely a great episode that was heartfelt AND funny and had a really interesting story element to it as well. louise and linda episodes are always great and i love linda talking about how hard it is to raise good people and how much pressure is on them (and it makes sense that she would be more stressed about making them do chores vs bob because it was her mom who was pressuring her. big bob doesnt give a FUCK) a very fun start to hopefully a great season!!!!

[scrapyardboyfriends]

If you were the emmerdale producer,what would you do?

- End the Malone story once and for all. Let Harriet leave to go find herself or something. Let Charles be the only vicar in town. I’d also have Will leave cause I’m tired and I don’t really see any value to him as a character personally. Dawn can stay but she’d stop having to worry about keeping Lucas and actually get to have some fun with people her age again. 

- I’d get rid of Wendy. She can literally just get a new job somewhere and leave in a taxi as long as she goes. 

- I’d break up Luke and Vic and bring in this Steven guy for some drama. I’d only keep him around so that the theory people can have their way if Ryan ever decides to come back. 

- Ben would kayak away and never return.

- Dan and Amelia would move to Croyden to live with Daz and never return

- With all of these exits, I’d put together a sizable bribe to try and win Ryan around. Haha. 

- Barring that, I would probably put Mack and Aaron together but it would be a slow burn where they were friends first. I’d allow the friendship/relationship to help flesh out Mack’s character more and give Aaron new characters to interact with. 

- I’d let the twenty somethings/early thirty somethings interact more. Aaron, Vic, Amy, Matty, Ethan, Dawn, Luke, Jamie, Meena etc. Let them have some fun. 

- It’s gonna happen anyway but Vinny would have his revelation about Paul and then Paul would never be mentioned again. He’d repair his relationship with Mandy and fix things with Liv. 

- I’d let Charity start to make some real progress on putting her life back together. She’d fix things with Noah (and Sarah ugh) once and for all and we’d never have to deal with that again. I’d find her a new job where she could put her business skills to good use. Perhaps put her back at the Haulage to help Jimmy and Nicola after this whole Juliette mess. 

- I’d resolve the Juliette mess. Let her lose it and kidnap Carl for real and have some drama and then send her off to prison or something and give Jimmy and Nicola full custody. 

- I’d let Aaron buy back into the garage so he can interact with people again. 

- Eric and Faith would get back together

- I’d have to find new relationship stories to do and actually put effort into them

- Manpreet would get together with Charles. 

- Andrea would leave and never return and Jamie would forget Millie existed. 

- Chas would finally actually cheat on Paddy and become her messy relatable self again and actually be friends with Charity again. 

- Paddy can really just go back to that vets practice in Germany

- There’s got to be a house I’ve emptied enough to bring in another new family with more members this time that would have absolutely no super secret connections to anyone. 

- I’d work on overlapping stories more and trying to get around covid rules until hopefully they lift and filming can return to normal. 

- I’d pick up the pace of all of the stories. 

- I’d actually let Kim and Lydia become real friends.

- I’d let Jamie pick a personality. Probably the one he came in with more. Like he’d actually decide to be a better person than his mother and stick with that and stop being an asshole to everyone for no reason. 

uhhh probably a lot more but I have to go podcast so this is enough for now

[liamscxtt]

a day in the life ; self para

when: thursday, august 28th

where: literally everywhere

nb: just a brief (long) narrative of what the typical day looks like for liam.

trigger warnings: homelessness, death and drug mentions, drug abuse

5:00am

there’s a moment when you first wake up when everything is just a haze. a moment when you forget who you are, what day it is -- all of your problems just don’t exist, for that moment. the moment only lasted a few seconds before the blaring sound of the alarms coming from the phone bring you back to the brutal aspects of reality. and yet, those were the best five seconds for liam.

groaning, he turned over and tapped on his screen, desperately trying to shut the alarm off; the bright screen burning his already sleep deprived eyes. he probably only got about three hours of sleep, if that. he was used to it at this point, and then there were days like today. days where he wanted to wither into the depths of his own self-loathing. 

he looked out the window to see the sun beginning to rise. a sky painted with shades of blues, purples, and oranges, almost like a messy yet somewhat neatly put together painting made by a middle schooler. there was something beautiful about waking up with the sun, parts of it that brought him peace. his sister loved watching the sunrise - she always went on and on about how sunrises were the true underdog; how mother nature picked it’s most beautiful mixture of colors for the sunrises, all because it took a special person to appreciate the beauty that came from it. he never really understood what she meant, until he was forced to watch the sun rise every single morning. and as always, she was right. sunsets had nothing against sunrises. 

these quiet mornings were the best part of liam’s day. the hours where he felt most connected to his sister and to himself. the hours he felt truly at peace. it was crazy to think that liam’s favorite time of the day was between 5:00am and 6:30am. 

he turned on his car to play youtube on his aux before climbing out of his vehicle. the sweet melody’s of the soft pitched tunes filled his car and the immediate area surrounding it, and a smile creeped on his face as one of her favorite songs began playing in the background. he wasn’t religious, but there was a part of him that truly found strength in knowing that his sister wasn’t far away. 

he rolled up the worn down mattress topper, collected his pillow and blanket in one hand. he broke down his bed as he pushed the backseat of his 2006 ford escape upright and neatly tucked his belongings into his trunk. 

5:30am

he pulled into the vacant parking lot of the soulstice gym. the gym was set to open in a half hour; luckily for him, there weren’t many college students that would dare to wake up at the crack of dawn just to work out. he stuffed everything he needed to get ready for the day into a duffle bag; shower supplies, and a clean outfit. he desperately needed to do laundry, and he needed to get food...but pay day wasn’t until next week. he was gonna have to find cash, and find it quick - maybe he’ll just pick up another shift at the bar. he practically lived at that place now.

his footsteps echoed through as he walked through the empty fitness center; not even the cleaners had arrived for their early morning shift. he quickly hopped into the showers and get ready for the day. lord knows he needed to wash the dirt and sins that painted his skin from the previous nights festivities. he couldn’t even recall what exactly happened, and that was both a blessing and a curse. it was shortly after he turned on all the lights and greeted the early morning cleaners, jimmy and george. 

“good morning, son!” greeted george. 

“mornin’, will.” jimmy greeted shortly after. 

jimmy and george worked closely together, and were usually gone for the day 2pm; and yet, liam knew the guys quite well. 

jimmy is in his early-forties, married with two children. he worked two full time jobs to get his children through school. his son played division II baseball at a school somewhere in the midwest, and is majoring in sports education. he wants to be a gym teacher. his daughter is studying to be a nurse at monarch. she aspires to work in women’s health. jimmy always spoke so highly of them two. 

george is in his mid-sixties, but is still kicking it like he’s twenty. he’s also married with children and even grandchildren, but his story is more tragic. he’s a retired firefighter, who is still working a full time job because his pension wasn’t enough to make ends meet. can’t make ends meet. his only daughter passed away at a young age - drug overdose, he says. his only son is constantly in and out of jail for drug charges - leaving george and his wife to take care and raise their two grandchildren, layla and michael. layla is 14 and is getting ready to start high school. she loves to play volleyball, and apparently is a natural. michael is 9 and is getting ready to start fourth grade. he love cars, spider man, legos, sonic, and baseball cards. he wants to be a youtube gamer when he grows up. liam didn’t know the kid, but he thought he was fucking awesome. 

two completely different stories, and yet liam believed that those two men deserved the world and then some.

“what’s up, guys?” liam greeted with a smile as he filled up his metal water bottle at the nearest filling station. “when are the kids set to go back, george?”

“this coming monday. mikey’s already complaining how he doesn’t need school to be a youtuber. apparently he’s ‘done his research’.” the comment makes both liam and jimmy laugh. 

“tell the little man to put that energy into a sport, or a trade. i need a new mechanic.” jim jested, once again causing the other two to laugh. “what about you, will? getting ready to start the semester back up? gabby is already stressing because some of her professors already posted the syllabus.” 

“shit, i haven’t even gotten my textbooks yet. i might have to join mikey with this whole youtuber plan and hope for the best.” liam said with a nervous chuckle. he almost had completely forgotten about the upcoming semester approaching. 

to quickly divert the question away from him, he spoke once more. “say, george. i found a few baseball cards at the bar the other night. remind me to bring them in for you.” 

“you’ll make that boys entire week. maybe i’ll use that to bribe him to go to school.” 

jimmy just smiled. “you’re a good kid, scotty boy. never change.” 

2:30pm

it had only been a half hour since liam clocked out from his morning job, and he quickly made his way over to the library. the mention of school that morning brought liam into a panic. he grabbed a spot at one of desks in the computer station, powering on the device and pulling out his notebook. luckily enough, most of the textbooks he needed the library had available. leaving his stuff behind, he went to go fetched them. 

he already had mastered the technique of not having his own textbooks. every week, he would go and scan all of the chapters he needed for each and every class. luckily, monarch offered free scanning and printing. he made small talk with the librarian that sat at the desk nearby as he printed out at least three weeks worth of chapters for each of his classes. 

he sat down once more, and took the time to put the pile of papers neatly into his binder. it was time to start planning. 

6:30pm

now it was time to work his night time job, mars bar. he was working with adrian tonight, so he knew it wouldn’t be that bad.

his stomach had been grumbling half way through his shift. he hadn’t eaten anything all day. but he continued to push through. he had to, at least until pay day. he continued to chug water; if his stomach was full of water, his body didn’t have time to remind him that it needed some sort of nutrients. he was a master manipulator when it came to his own body now. 

1:00am

the rounded out the tips that he received from his customers. it was a good night, and luckily enough he would be able to do laundry the next day. his body was tired, though; aching from the lack of sleep and abuse his body endured from the festivities. he felt like he could sleep for an entire month, and then some. 

he drove around for a bit after his shift, a thing he did as he needed to both unwind and find a somewhat safe space to park his car. university police were patrolling the parking lots that night, which immediately told him not to park there. he couldn’t park in greek row - too many people he knew by this point. he was left to park in a nearby park, in a nearby neighborhood. he found himself saying a small prayer that nobody would mess with him that night. 

he lit up a joint once he found his place, feeling the smoke fill his lungs as he listened to the calming music that played on the radio. ed sheeran was playing, a song from his multiply album. it was one of his and his sister’s favorite albums. that’s the one thing they shared in common, their taste in music. but she was more pop in a sense, and he was more edgy. but still, the music brought him comfort.

he got his bed ready; a mattress topper, paired with a pillow and a blanket. he made himself comfortable and looked at his phone, just to see he missed a text from his mother at 10:45pm.

hi honey! spoke with your aunt today, and we’re making plans for christmas. did your father reach out to you? let me know what plans he has set. i’ll arrange my trip around your plans. 

i hope you had a great day! i love you! ❤️

her message was followed by a bitmoji image of her holding a huge heart. and he smiled. 

i haven’t spoken to him all week, but i’ll reach out tomorrow and let you know. i’ll call you tomorrow. love you ❤️

there was a huge part of him that wanted to call her now, that wanted to tell her he had been struggling both physically and mentally...but then he remembered the damage and the financial burden his injury left. it ruined his family. he ruined his family. and just as he was about to press call, he let out a frustrated sigh before locking his phone and tossing it not too far away from him, rolling over to attempt to get some sort of rest.

just to do the same thing. all. over. again.

[much-brighter-ink]

tell me all ur fav and least fav downton characters bc u reblogged two of my posts which means i would die for u now

🥺this made me soft ok 

First up: if a character is a lady’s maid? That means they are my favorite human in the world or I fucking despise them. Anna? Love of my life, has a heart of gold, such a badass, went through so much shit and deserved a lot better. Like from the beginning she’s a total mom friend and she keeps people in line while also caring for them and worrying about them? And she doesn’t give up (on anyone.) and seasons 4-6 did her DIRTY. (Glad she got to commit some treason in the movie) Baxter? Loveliest person on the planet, growth - she arrives and you think she’s nice but don’t know what she’s got in store and then proceeds to adopt Thomas as her little brother and show Molesley what he’s capable of and recover from an abusive relationship and put her past behind her (and also prove Bates’s innocence iirc) and believe in everyone? Both of them are absolute goddesses and hold the downstairs together in the later seasons. And then we flip to the opposite end of the spectrum and get O’Brien who’s so cruel and bitter? And we understand why (ye olde class system and then there’s also bits of internalized homophobia I sense) but she still doesn’t get a redemption arc for the worst thing she’s done (which wasn’t killing Cora’s baby!! I sound crazy, and that was, well, bad. Remorse is shown, etc etc, but the worst thing she did was corrupt Thomas, who arrived at Downton from a background of abuse, feeling completely alone and misunderstood and probably so glad to be away from home, and then making friends with the first person who’d offer him an alliance and they were thick as thieves for a bit but he learned from her that the only way to get on was to step on people and then, after using him for half her schemes, throws him under the bus with no thought to the fact that taking advantage of someone’s loneliness and then fucking outing him... has consequences????) and- yeah. And then it seems that the third time’s the charm thing applied to Cora with maids (as in Baxter was the first maid she had who was a decent person) because Edna is vile (taking advantage of Tom’s grief and guilt-tripping him for living his life, then manipulating her way back into Downton and fucking taking advantage of his vulnerability and raping him? No thank you.)... I have strong feelings... oh also Denker’s like smack in the middle of this scale lol 

Other favs include: Sybil!!! My dear fellow INFP and Jo March/Beth March split, my wonderful pansexual feminist youngest sister who had no right dying like that- our lovely socialist Irish husband/older brother (he’s the older brother Mary’s the younger sister I don’t take constructive criticism) Tom, Gwen!!!! you go Gwen be a badass secretary date Lady Sybil come back to Downton having advanced in the world I’m so proud of you what is punctuation ummm Thomas!!! Redemption arcs!!! And I love how you flip between hating him and then wanting him to grow and be happy plus he’s just so well-acted? Oh- Mrs. Hughes (why have I gone this long without mentioning her?) is the literal spine and spleen of the estate and the show would be in shambles without her, I love her a whole fucking lot and she needs more credit. Mrs. Patmore’s kind of an icon too!! Love Daisy, her arc’s great (though again, William deserved better), I really liked Rose, she was a breath of fresh air, good old Dr. Clarkson, Cora’s cool (though so fucking gullible- still she’s great), Violet’s obviously iconic and I lovelovelove Isobel (also they’re married. no I don’t take constructive criticism) and she’s so wonderfully written and acted (especially in terms of dealing with grief and/or authority), Molesley’s cool, not super strong feelings on Mary and Edith, both are very compelling and well-written+acted characters (I like their arcs) but neither are the most likeable. No strong feelings on Robert (stuck up but I like him), Bates (he drinks his respecting women juice except when he doesn’t), Carson (he’s loyal and he’s sweet and... homophobic but he’s alright), Matthew (I liked him!! with Mary...and his opinions but mostly i’m just annoyed he died), etc, mostly positive? and p much none on the later suitors (I like Bertie and Henry okay) 

Not many major characters I hate, though I really dislike Jimmy (fuckboy...), Vera Bates, whoever Mary’s stalkery fiance who wanted to bribe Anna to spy on her was called, Mr. Gr**n, Mr. Pamuk, Rose’s mom, and then I think that’s it? 

HBU? tell me all your thoughts 

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Scary Stories

A Horror Septics Short

“...and all that was left were the bones! Ooooo!” The teenage storyteller lowered the flashlight, looking around at his audience—three other teens, all of whom looked very unimpressed. “Well? Not even a ‘oh no’?”

“I saw that coming from a mile away, Derrick,” said one of the others, adjusting her pointed glasses.

“Oh come on.” Derrick frowned. “You could’ve at least pretended to like it.”

“Your voice isn’t really cut out for horror, anyway,” said another, poking the campfire with a stick. 

“Well, can any of you do better?” Derrick looked around at the circle. The four friends were sitting on chairs, set around the central fire pit. There was a picnic table nearby with a kerosene lamp providing extra light, and a large tent big enough to fit all four of them. The campsite was a bit isolated, surrounded by large trees that hid the light of other fires lit by other campers. 

“Honestly, I don’t think any scary stories can get to me anymore,” one said.

“Oh really?” Asked the one in the glasses. “Why’s that, Winston?”

“Don’t say my name like that,” Winston scowled underneath the brim of his baseball cap. “And it’s because, Lilah, I know it’s all not real. I mean, yeah, if the story’s good it’ll come back to haunt me late at night, but that’s when all judgement has been abandoned. I can’t find a story anymore that’s good enough to freak me out as it’s happening.”

“Creepypasta has ruined you,” the last one muttered.

“That it has, Charlie. That it has.”

“Okay, I got an idea. Derrick, pass me the torch.” Lilah reached over and the flashlight, shining it under her face as was typical of scary-storytelling, though the illusion was a bit ruined by the sparkly pink ribbon in her hair. “Let me tell you an actual, real-life scary story. Let’s see if that rustles your jimmies, Win.”

“Let’s see if it does.” Winston smiled, settling back into his chair.

“So. You all know my cousin Eve, right?” Lilah started.

“The journalist one, right?” Derrick asked.

“Well, kinda. What she does is she writes articles for a travel magazine. So she goes around Europe, finding cities that don’t have much of a tourist industry and looking for things about them that would, like, draw people to the place. Also she had a partner, Kyle, who she had to write articles with.”

“Ugh, Kyle,” Charlie commented. “What a name.”

“Oh yeah, Kyle sucked. Whenever the family met up, Eve would always complain about him.” Lilah shook her head. “He was like, the kind of guy who always thought he knew best, and when people contradicted him he’d be all like, ‘yeah, sure.’ Then he went ahead and talked shit about them. She always had to double-check their articles before they went up to make sure he didn’t add any bullshit. Needless to say, he didn’t like her much either.”

All the teens muttered among themselves. The disapproval was clear. “Anyway, Eve and Kyle get assigned to go to this city in Germany,” Lilah continued. “And it’s like, a nice place. Clean, has some neat museums, the hotel they’re staying in is pretty swanky. So far, Eve is taking some favorable notes for the article. Kyle is annoyed at everything, though, bitching about how the service is terrible even though there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Okay, so that’s the set up, what happened to change it?” Charlie asked.

“So, end of the first day, dawn of the second. Eve’s taken notes of everything they could do in town, and she goes down to the hotel desk to get advice on what’s best. The hotel clerk is friendly, answers all the questions. It all goes normally, until right at the end of the conversation, when the clerk said, ‘oh yes, you und your frund vould do vell to be off ze ztreets by nightfull.”

Winston suddenly burst out laughing. “Is that supposed to be a German accent?!”

“Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?” Lilah said defensively.

“I’ve heard more realistic accents from children’s shows!”

“What, can you do better?” Lilah muttered.

“Ah, in fact, I can!” Winston said, putting on an accent. “And I say your accent is simply terrible, Fraulein!” 

“Hey, we’re not here to judge by the quality of the accent, only the spookiness of the story,” Derrick said. “Keep on keepin’ on, Lilah.”

“Thanks, Derr,” Lilah said, grinning. “Anyway, the clerk says not to be on the streets after nightfall. Eve asks why, and the clerk says, ‘it gets very dangerus out zere, zat iz all. I vould hate for anyzing to happen to—’”

“Oh my god, stop, it’s hard to hear!” Winston groaned.

Lilah made a face in his direction, but obliged. “ The clerk says, ‘I would hate for anything to happen to you and your friend.’ Which is a bit sketch, and Eve knows it. She mentions this to Kyle, because even though Kyle’s a bitch she doesn’t want him to get physically hurt, and he’s just like, ‘This clerk was a girl, right? Of course she doesn’t want to walk out late at night.’”

“Ohhh, fuck this dude,” Derrick said.

“Fuck it sooo muuuch,” Charlie added.

“Right?!” Lilah nodded furiously. “Like, at this point with Eve telling this story, I was like, ‘I hope this dude gets eaten by a wolf.’”

“Wait, where did the wolf come from?” Winston asked.

“Shit, I forgot about that. Anyway,” Lilah continued. “They go throughout the city, visiting restaurants and these museums and looking around at the local architecture. At dinnertime, they go to this seafood place, and get chatting with the waiter. They mention they’re from out of town, and that they’re writing an article on the city to hopefully help out tourism. The waiter says, “Vell—sorry, well, if you are from out of town, you should know not to stay out after dark.’ Eve, having heard this for the second time, asks, ‘Why, what happens?’ And the waiter says, ‘Uh, well, we have some problems with wild dogs. They hunt at night.’ And Kyle says, ‘Well, that’s not gonna bring in the tourists.’” Lilah paused while all the others groaned. “So, after dinner, Eve notices it’s getting late, and convinces Kyle to go back to the hotel with her. But of course, he complains about it, and says that they have to check out the nightlife in town and see if there are any after dark specials running.”

“Well, from a business standpoint, he’s got a point,” Winston said. “I mean, he doesn’t have to be an asshole about it, but that is their job.”

“And I’m sure Eve would’ve agreed with you,” Lilah nodded. “But she’s noticing something weird. Most of the local shops and businesses are closing up. Not any of the chains, like McDonald’s or...I don’t know, chain clothing businesses. But the businesses unique to the city, that she’d usually be checking out and putting in the article? Closed. So she thinks there might be something to this. And, in the morning, she goes down to the lobby and there’s a local woman there. Eve starts chatting with her, and eventually the woman says ‘Oh, you are a visitor? Make sure to not go out after sunset, there are some gangs in the area that roam around after dark.’”

“Wait, what?” Charlie perked up, at attention. “Two different excuses? Ohhh that’s not a good sign.”

“Eve thought the same thing,” Lilah said gravely. “And she drew two conclusions. Either there are both wild dogs and street gangs, or the real reason why you shouldn’t go out at night is much worse than either of those. So it’s the third day they’re there, and it goes generally normally, but Eve and Kyle keep getting the same sort of thing whenever locals find out they’re not from around town: don’t go out after nightfall. So, most people would decide not to go out that night, right? Wrong!” Lilah jabbed her finger in the air. “Because here’s Kyle, an asshole who thinks he knows better than anyone else who’s ever lived. He starts to leave the hotel room, and Eve tries to stop him. Instead of doing literally anything sensible, Kyle blows up that she’s always been jealous of him and has always tried to stop him from succeeding, then storms off.”

Winston let out a long, low whistle. “Let me guess, he died?”

“Hmmm I didn’t say that,” Lilah said slowly. “So, Eve goes down and tries to stop him, but he’s already left, and it’s after sunset at this point. The clerk is like, ‘I saw your friend run off. Poor guy. Anyway, would you like some room service?’ Clearly trying to bribe her into staying in the hotel. Eve’s a bit nervous about Kyle, but she really doesn’t want to go out, so she stays in the room. Kyle doesn’t show up the next day, and she calls the local police, worried something happened. They say they’ll get on it, but in that tone of voice that suggests there’s nothing that can be done about this.”

“So, the Kyle guy just disappeared?” Derrick asked.

“Oh, no, not at all.” Lilah’s voice turned low and serious. “About a month later, she’s back home, she gets a call from this out-of-country number. And it’s a police officer from this German city. They need her to come in real quick so she can identify this head they found.”

There was a sharp inhale throughout the circle. “Just the head?” Charlie asked.

“So, Eve goes down to Germany,” Lilah continued. “She sees the head, and yeah, it’s Kyle. Missing his eyes and teeth and with a big hole in the back of the head. She asks the police what happened, and they found the head in a dumpster, along with a bunch of...flesh. And itty bitty pieces of shattered bones.”

Charlie covered their mouth. “Oh my god…”

“That is so fucked,” Derrick muttered.

Lilah looked over at Winston. “Well? What d’you think, Mr. Horror Aficionado?”

Winston adjusted his cap. “Pretty good.”

“‘Pretty good’?!” Lilah repeated. “This guy disappears, and the next month, he’s in pieces!”

“I’ve heard it before,” Winston said, a little smugly.

“Yeah, in stories, I have too!” Lilah put down the flashlight, and put her head in her hands. “This is something that actually happened to a guy my cousin knew, worked with a lot! And they never caught whoever did it, apparently!”

“Wait, how do you know they never caught them?” Derrick asked. “Do you just go down to—what’s the city name again?”

“Ah, I don’t remember,” Lilah shrugged. “Something that started with an A.”

“Do you just go down there regularly?”

“Well, no, but most serial killers don’t get caught, and given how everyone knew about this shit happening in the city, I’m assuming that’s what it is.”

“Where’d you hear that, Buzzfeed Unsolved?” Winston asked.

“Oh, speaking of which,” Charlie jumped in. “Did you guys see the last one? Of the last True Crime season? The finale?” The other three made various negative noises. “Oh.” Charlie shrugged. “I just thought it was funny.”

“What’s the case?” Winston asked.

“Oh, a recent one. I mean, like, two years ago. A YouTuber disappeared. And the boys went on this whole tangent about what if they disappeared.”

Lilah frowned. “How do YouTubers just...disappear? Wouldn’t people notice if they stopped uploading?”

“Not if it was a kinda small one,” Derrick pointed out.

“Well, this guy wasn’t small,” Charlie said. “He had like...ten million subscribers. But a few months before he disappeared he said he was gonna take a break from uploading and other media, so I don’t think the community noticed when he actually disappeared. Though, I guess they started wondering eventually...and that’s why it’s a famous case. Dude straight-up left. Why? The case remains...unsolved.”

“Maybe he just got tired of YouTube drama,” Winston muttered.

Charlie frowned. “I don’t think so. Personally, I think he went kinda crazy. Like...actually had problems or something. After watching the Unsolved episode, I went to look at his last uploaded videos and they were...weird. I’d link you the episode and the video, but y’know. No wifi.”

“Feel free to send it later, sounds interesting,” Winston said. “Anyway—”

“Do you guys hear that?” Derrick interrupted.

“Hear what?” Lilah asked.

The group fell silent. After a few seconds, Charlie said, “I don’t hear anything.”

“Exactly.” Derrick frowned. “There were, like, crickets. But they just stopped.”

“...huh,” Winston said. “That’s weird. Why—”

“Oh my god!” Lilah pointed at something. “What’s that?!”

The group all turned, and saw a shadow, flickering against a tree in the light caused by the campfire. It got bigger, and shifted, and a large man rounded out from behind one of the nearby pine trees. “Sorry, did I frighten you?” he asked in a low, rumbling voice.

“Uh…” Derrick looked around the group, then back at the man. He looked a bit like a lumberjack, with a big bushy beard and a flannel, but the illusion was ruined a bit by the patterned pajama pants. “A little bit, sir.”

“Hmm.” The man nodded slowly. “It wasn’t my intention. I heard you kids discussing...scary stories?”

“Um, yeah,” Charlie said, picking up the stick they’d been using to poke the fire. “I mean, not exactly stories. True stories, I guess.”

“True stories,” the man repeated, nodding again. “I see.” He walked over to the picnic bench and sat down, stumbling on the last few steps. “Well, I have a few true stories of my own. Would you like to hear one?”

The teens exchanged looks, clearly uneasy. Lilah slowly reached into her pocket, seeming to grab something. “Uh...sure, mister,” she said.

“Excellent.” The man leaned forward, the firelight casting deep shadows on his face. “This is a true story, as well. It took place over a hundred years ago. There was a...person.”

“You don’t sound too sure about that,” Winston muttered. All the others instantly made shushing sounds at him.

“There was a person,” the man repeated, unphased. “They were a dollmaker.” Winston rolled his eyes quietly. Of all the group, he was the only one who was unphased by the appearance of a tall, burly man in the middle of the woods. He seemed more interested in critiquing the story’s cliches. “What did they do with these dolls? Which one became evil?”

“This is not a story about dollmaking,” the man said, suddenly stern. “I’m telling you what they do so that you can better understand. The dollmaker puts—put pride and care in their creations, trying to make them last as long as possible. Their life was average, for what they were. Until one day. The dollmaker was home, just about considering going out and starting on another doll, when the phone rang. Now, this was odd. This was long before phones could be carried about in your pocket, and in fact, phones were a new device. A phone had to be wired to a house, and the house the dollmaker was in had no phone wires connecting it. But they were curious, and thinking a friend had found a way to call them, they picked up the phone. ‘Hello?’ they said. But there was no answer. Just the vague crackling of static before it was called so. And after a moment, the dollmaker heard their own voice repeated back to them. ‘H-he-he-hello-o-o?’ Strange. Though the dollmaker said more, the other end never said anything else. So they thought it was a mistake, and dropped it.

“But the next day, the phone rang again. The dollmaker answered it again. And there was indeed a voice on the other end this time, but it was breaking, barely able to be understood as a voice and not just some strange noises. The dollmaker was not dull, it—they knew something strange was happening, knew something was behind it. But they were overconfident. They believed that whatever was calling could not touch them. The phone rang three more times over the following week, and they didn’t answer it at all.

“Then, one day. The dollmaker returned, having been out all night making a doll. And the lights of the house were flickering. Strange. The dollmaker went inside, and the phone started ringing once more. This time, they picked it up. The same voice was on the other end, though they still couldn’t understand what it was saying. Uneasy, the dollmaker dropped the phone. And then they looked out the window.

“There was something there. A many-eyed something, pressed against the glass, smearing blood across it. And it smiled at the dollmaker, and said something that was utterly incomprehensible, but somehow—somehow understandable. ‘I will make you mine,’ it said. ‘I will take what is yours and use it.’ And the dollmaker was frightened for the first time in m—in their long life. So they ran.

“They ran for three years. No matter where they went, the many-eyed thing was always right on their trail. Sometimes it caught up, and they had to fight it, and barely got away. After every conflict, they grew weaker. And the next time it caught up, they were not prepared. They were hiding in a house up north, alone with a single doll who they eventually lost. And when the many-eyed thing showed up, they couldn’t run fast enough. It took...them.

“It was nineteen years before they could find their way out. By then, they could not speak. They could not walk. They could not do half the things they once could, and spent one year with their friend in the wilds, finding new ways to do what they needed. And the many-eyed thing was still out there. Decades passed, and they heard of similar things happening to others, including a doctor who is very like themselves. Nobody and nothing is safe. The eyes continue to lurk.”

Complete and total silence fell. The group of four stared, wide-eyed, at the man. Even Winston, so cocky and unafraid before, was speechless, looking around as a chill ran down his spine.

The man stood up, the movement so quick it caused the four teens to jump. “Well, I’d best be going. You kids here for any longer?”

After a moment, Derrick cleared his throat and answered, “We’re going to leave in the morning.”

Suddenly, Charlie shrieked. Everyone tensed and looked over at them. “S...sorry,” they said. “I just thought I saw something...there.” They pointed at the tree behind the man—or rather, above the man, at the branches above his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” the man said dismissively. “There’s all sorts of wildlife out here.”

“It looked...big,” Charlie said hesitantly.

“Then it was your imagination.” The man tilted his head, and turned on his heel. Without another word, he left.

The total silence continued for a few moments more. Then Charlie jabbed their stick at the fire, and it started crackling again, the crickets chirping once more. “Should we...go to bed?” Lilah asked.

“Maybe some of us...but not all of us,” Winston said slowly. “Just to be...safe.”

Nobody said what they were trying to be “safe” about. Maybe none of them knew. But slowly, the group dispersed, and over time, fell asleep.

When they were leaving in the morning, they passed by a woman talking to one of the rangers, practically frantic. Her husband had disappeared last night. Nobody had heard anything. Anything at all.

[dakotacrisis]

Deal’s End (8)

I'll always love you and make you happy If you will only say the same But if you leave me and love another You'll regret it all some day

-You Are My Sunshine by Jimmie Davis

(Read on AO3)

---

Marinette didn’t see Felix again before she went to bed. Her confusing thoughts from earlier only grew with his absence. Before when the thought of him leaving had felt bittersweet the idea that she wouldn’t be able to talk to him again hurt deep in her chest now. She liked Felix. She liked being around him and having fun with him. She liked talking with him and walking home with him.

Perhaps this was a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Wanting your demonic roommate to stay with you because you now see them as a friend. She doubted that anyone else could relate to her though. And she couldn’t talk to anyone about this since no one knew of Felix’s true nature. She was stuck alone in a dark room with her racing thoughts and heavy heart.

Maybe...maybe he could visit after he left. She hadn’t heard Felix mention that he was confined to Hell unless he was summoned. Maybe he would be able to pop up once in a while to say hi. They could grab lunch...play a game of Mecha Strike.

“UGH!” She buried her face in her pillow. Why was she getting so worked up about this now? Yeah she kinda saw Felix as her friend but there was no use worrying about life after he was gone when he was still very much in her life.

But for how much longer though? Once she was Adrien’s girlfriend Felix would be gone.

She forced the thoughts out of her head. This was not the night to worry about this. She closed her eyes and went to sleep.

The next day was a lazy day spent inside. The weather had taken a bad turn and a torrential downpour soaked the city. Marinette spent it in her room catching up on work and reorganizing. Pretty much anything to keep her mind busy and off of the looming worries for the future. Felix had reappeared in the morning though he was far quieter than usual. He mainly kept off to the side scribbling stuff down in his notebook. Randomly he would tear a page out and burn the paper instantaneously in his hand before starting again.

Marinette had asked what he was doing to which he gave a vague answer of ‘stuff.’ She tried to peek over his shoulder but he hid the page from view. “Nosy girl.”

“Why won’t you let me see what you’re doing?” Marinette asked.

“It’s none of your business.”

“Will you show me if I get you eclairs?” she smiled as the bribe hit its mark.

He looked up at her, his eyes widened at the promise of chocolatey foods. “How many eclairs?”

“As many as it takes for you to show me what’s on that paper.”

“I want ten eclairs and one of those red velvet cupcakes from the bakery.”

“Okay.” Marinette started heading downstairs. “It better not be something stupid!”

She grabbed the snacks from the bakery and went back up for the trade. She held out the box to Felix who reluctantly swapped it with his notebook. On the page was the start of a rough sketch hunched over a table. “You draw?” Marinette smiled as she took in the new information. “I didn’t know that about you.”

“It helps pass the time.” He shrugged as he downed another eclair.

She looked closer at the figure trying to figure out what he was going for from the rough outline. Then she saw the pigtails to the back of the hunched figure’s head. The box on top of the table...it was a sewing machine. Felix had been drawing her work.

She wanted desperately to ask why but figured it was for the best she not let on she knew it was her he was drawing and handed the notebook back. “It’s very good.”

“I’ve barely started.”

“Yeah but I can tell.” She plucked the half eaten eclair out of his hand. “That being said try not to get crumbs all over my chaise.”

“That was mine!” He made a pathetic grab for the bite of eclair she held.

“Not anymore.” She popped it into her mouth. “That was a nice break but I need to get back to work.” She sat down at her machine and picked up where she had left off. She wanted to talk to him about what happened last night but thought it better for another day. Or maybe she was too scared of what answer he would give to ask.

The rest of the day passed by without incident and with it their weekend off came to a close. Monday was upon them and so was Felix’s vigor to throw Marinette head first into situations with Adrien. She had gotten better at handling the sudden interactions. Maybe spending more time together had finally neutralized her utter terror of being alone with him cause now she could talk to him almost normally. Heck, she was even cracking jokes!

“So did you want to hang out after school?” Marinette asked Adrien.

“I’d like to but I got a photoshoot today.” Adrien sighed, “Maybe next time.”

“Oh okay.” Marinette smiled despite her disappointment. She went to Felix with a small shake of her head. “He said he has a photoshoot and can’t hang out. His dad must have penned it in last minute because I had no idea.”

“That sucks.” Felix paced the back of the classroom. “But you look really good today and you have confidence in talking to him. I don’t want to waste either of those.”

“But he’s going to be working and there’s no way his dad is going to let him out of it. Let’s just go home and try again tomorrow.” Marinette stared down at her toes. “This is kinda fortuitous cause I wanted to talk to you about the other night--”

“Wait! I got it!” Felix grabbed her and pulled her out into the hall. Everyone was filtering out of the school building including Adrien. “Do you know where the photoshoot is?”

“Uh, the weather is nice and summer is on the way so they’re probably doing a summer shoot in the park. Why?”

“Cause we can still work with this. Follow me!” Felix dashed out of the school with Marinette shortly behind. Sure enough they got to the park and the shoot was being set up.

“Okay, we’re here.” Marinette panted as she caught her breath. “What now? You’re just going to walk onto the set?”

“That was the plan.” Felix started walking towards the workers. Adrien’s security guard stopped them from getting closer to the set.

“Excuse me sir,” Felix said, “Could you move aside? We’re here for the photoshoot.”

The bodyguard remained in place. “You see, I am one of the models working today so I kinda need in.”

The bodyguard nodded and moved out of the way. Felix pulled Marinette through. “Felix, you’re not a model.” She whispered.

“Harsh, I think I’m pretty good looking.”

“That’s not what I meant. You are literally not a model employed by Gabriel Agreste. How long do you expect that excuse to work?”

“As long as possible. Demon powers, remember?”

“Right!” Marinette had almost forgotten. “So we’re okay?”

“We are golden.” They celebrated their little infiltration before Adrien noticed they were there.

“Hey guys,” He greeted them, “What are you two doing here?”

“I got called in last minute to fill in for a sick model.” Felix lied smoothly.

“Oh, I had no idea you were a model too.” Adrien breamed instantly taken in by the lie.

“Minor. It helps pay the bills.” Felix shrugged. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought Marinette. Seeing as how she loves fashion so much.”

“Not at all.” Adrien waved to her, “Guess we get to hang out after all.”

“You two have fun I need to find wardrobe.” Felix wandered off. Wait, was he actually going to do the shoot?

“Did you know Felix was a model?” Adrien asked Marinette.

“I didn’t have a clue until he dragged me over here.” She said. She looked over Adrien’s outfit. White tee shirt with blue pants and tan shoes. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is part of the ready made summer collection you’re dad’s putting out this summer?”

“That it is. What do you think?”

“I would kill to be able to work with grade A material like this all the time.” Marinette sighed as she felt the cottony texture of his sleeve. “I just blew all my money buying organza for a dress I’m making.”

“Oh really? Were you commissioned or is it just for yourself?”

“For myself. It’s a sheer overlay that is supposed to sorta party wear with a low-key formal vibe.”

“How far have you gotten?”

“Pretty far actually. I started pinning it together on my dress form not too long ago. I’m using strips of silver ribbon to sew onto the hem and make a little criss cross pattern across the bust. The most nerve wracking part was that I decided to make it a high-low silhouette and I knew I only had one shot to cut it correctly so I am so relieved it’s turned out okay.”

“I hope to see it one day.”

“Hello, I am back,” Felix joined the once more. “Now, I know I look amazing but neither of you swoon in my presence.”

“Oh yeah, you look so good.” Marinette rolled her eyes before she finally actually looked at him. The sarcastic remark turning bitter as she realized that he did in fact look pretty darn good in the outfit they had put him in. It wasn’t anything special, a blue button up shirt with white pants and brown shoes. What struck Marinette was that the whole time she’d known Felix all she had ever seen him wear was primarily reds and blacks. This was the first time she had seen him in something so light.

“Something on your mind, love?” Felix smirked at her when he caught her staring.

“Shut it.” she tweaked his nose. “But I will say you do look...what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Devilishly handsome?” Felix suggested.

“I was gonna say, angelic.” Marinette smirked right back at him.

“Oh really?” Felix gaped at her with an open smile, “Alright, if that’s how you want to play this.”

“Is this an inside joke I’m not understanding?” Adrien asked clearly confused as to why Marinette’s compliment had been met with such good natured disdain.

“Yeah.” Marinette laughed. “I won’t bother trying to explain. It’s a long story and you’d really have to be there to understand it.”

One of the assistants ran past the three teenagers and pulled the photographer away. That was weird. A minute later the photographer came back with a pained expression. “Something wrong, Giuseppe?” Adrien asked.

“The female model for the shoot is sick and can’t make it. We will have to reschedule the entire shoot if we cannot find another model to take her place.” The photographer rubbed his temples.

“I have a suggestion,” Felix spoke up. He cast a wicked sideways glance towards Marinette. Oh he had better not! “Our friend Marinette here isn’t half bad looking. Could she fill in?”

“Felix!” She warned, “I’m not a model. I couldn’t possibly--”

“Oh please, mademoiselle,” The photographer begged. “It is a small shoot after all. Could you fill in just this once?”

“I don’t--”

“You should do it.” Adrien encouraged. “I think you’d make a great model.”

“Well…” She looked back at the manic photographer and sighed. “Okay.”

“Perfecto! Ladies!” He shouted for the stylists. “Get this girl through make up and wardrobe now!”

Marinette was carted off and put into a small tent area to change. She sat in a chair as the stylists quickly but masterfully did her hair and make up before kicking her out onto the set. Unlike the boys were sporting white and blue, Marinette was dressed in a soft yellow sundress that floated around her gently in the breeze.

“There she is!” The photographer pushed her out to where the two boys were already staged. “Now, the look for this shoot is that you two boys are the sky and clouds and our pretty girl here is the bright sun between you. Dewy smiles, relaxed positions, I want you three to move around naturally so we can get some natural shots.”

The boys seemed to understand immediately what they were supposed to do but Marinette stood in the middle stiff as a board. Why had she let them talk her into this? It was probably Felix influencing them with his powers to let them agree to this.

“Darling,” The photographer locked eyes with her, “Can you please move around and give us a smile, hm?”

“Oh right,” She put on a smile and tried to copy what the boys were doing but she just felt ridiculous. The boys noticed her struggling and suddenly she was being spun around really fast by Felix.

“Whoa!” She almost stumbled but was caught by Adrien. “Sorry!”

“It’s okay. Loosen up,” Adrien gave her a slower spin, “This is supposed to be fun.”

“Fun.” Marinette took a deep breath, “I can do that.”

After that things went smoother. It didn’t feel so much like posing but messing around with two friends. At one point both of the boys picked her up so she was sitting in the air with arms around either of them. The photographer really liked that shot.

“Alright,” The photographer set the camera down, “Signore Adrien, you are done for the day.”

“This was a lot of fun.” Adrien turned to Marinette and Felix. “These shoots can be pretty boring but having you guys here was so much better. Hopefully I’ll get to work with you again sometime.”

“It was fun after I got used to it.” Marinette said, “But I gotta say I think I prefer making clothes instead of modeling them.”

“Darling, Signore,” The photographer waved to the teenagers, “If you two could come back to set. I wanted to get some shots of just the two of you.”

“Who? Us?” Marinette pointed to her and Felix.

“Yes, it is time for Signore Adrien to head home but you two have such good chemistry. That is if you do not have anywhere to be.” The photographer said.

Good chemistry…

“I don’t have anywhere else to be.” Felix looped an arm around Marinette, “And I know you don’t. How about it?”

“Uh sure.” Marinette said bye to Adrien before joining Felix back on the set.

“The model lie work a little too well?” Marinette asked under her breath so only Felix could hear.

“I can’t help it that we look good.” Felix responded. “Also, you’re now going to grace magazines and media dressed like a ray of sunshine and sandwiched between two extremely attractive fellas. Do you have any idea how envious people are gonna be of you?”

“I don’t want people to envy me. I just wanted to have a fun time with my friends.” Marinette sighed. “But a little exposure in any way can help down the line.”

“Friends?” Felix paused his posing for a second to stare at her.

“Yeah.” Marinette grabbed his hand and stretched to twirl him. “We are friends...aren’t we?”

Felix smiled once more and picked Marinette up and spun her around. A surprised laugh leapt out of her throat as she spun the air in his arms. “Felix!”

“And to think you wanted to get rid of me!” He laughed too. “No take backs either, love.”

“Put me down!” Marinette playfully swatted him on top of his head. He set her back on her feet as she tried to slow the spinning of her head. “You are so dramatic.”

“Well I’m sorry. You don’t get a whole lot of friends where I’m from.” He held Marinette straight so she didn’t sway. “I got a little excited.”

“Obviously.” She ruffled his hair. “Which means you’ll need to come visit after you leave.”

“Leave?” Felix looked confused for a moment before the understanding parted the clouds in his mind. “Oh yes, of course.”

“You will be able to come back and visit, won’t you?” Marinette pressed. Felix gave her a sad look.

“Marinette…”

“I think we have it!” The photographer stepped forth waving his camera excitedly. “Your pictures were perfection, darlings! The expressions so sincere! The poses and body language between you so natural! These will grace magazines and billboards all across Paris!”

“Oh great,” Felix nodded. “Does that mean we are free to go now?”

“Yes,” The photographer stepped aside to let them go get changed. “And if either of you want to make a career out of modelling I know a wonderful agency that would take the both of you in a heartbeat.”

“Thank you, sir.” Marinette stayed to look at a couple of the photos he had taken before going to change.

She was in the middle of pulling her pants back on when Felix popped his head in. “Hey are you--” he noticed her stooped over with her pants around her ankles and snorted. “Are those dumplings on your underwear?”

“GET OUT!” Marinette hiked her pants up and chased him out of the dressing room forgetting her shoes and bag behind her. She chased Felix around the park in her bare feet. “You are so dead!”

“This isn’t very friendly behaviour!” he shrieked as he ran from her.

“Neither is what’s gonna happen when I catch you!” Marinette let out a hysterical laugh as they played their game. Questions she had and answers she feared still sat in her mind but she let them alone for now. She didn’t know how much longer she was gonna have this with Felix and she wanted to make it last while it did.

---

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (9)

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(tagged)

@sannsibarr @miss-mysterys-blog @maribug-adrienoir @mermaidreject @corabeth11 @goblinwhoships @symwinter  @yourgeekysister

[kiraalexander]

the “right thing”

What struck me most about Kim scamming Bobby and Lois is how similar it was to the way Jimmy scammed Craig and Betsy Kettleman, and the way that both situations involved doing the “right thing” - that is, the wrong thing, but for the right reasons.

In both cases, they’re representing affable criminal idiots. Craig Kettleman’s embezzlement was so transparent, he actually wrote checks for fake expenses to himself, and Bobby tried to sell minifridges to an undercover cop. Still, both of them believe themselves to be, at heart, nice guys who made a mistake that won’t define the rest of their lives. They woefully underestimate the fact that a jury isn’t going to have the context of seeing Craig/Bobby, family man and all around Good Guy; they’ll only see a criminal.

Consequently, neither Craig nor Bobby are willing to take the deals that Kim carefully negotiated for them. Craig clearly is relying on his privilege as a buttoned-up professional white man who would never do crime. Bobby’s attitude is a little more opaque, given his priors, but he’s also relying on his image as Lois’s husband and his children’s father to sway a jury’s opinion. Despite Kim’s efforts to explain the realities of jury trials, neither of them accepts the reality that taking a deal and avoiding trial is going to be best for them in the long run.

When Jimmy scams the Kettlemans by having Mike steal their cash and return it to the DA, his concern is for Kim. In spite of the consequences that Craig faces in rejecting Kim’s deal, all that matters to Jimmy is that, through no fault of Kim’s, she’s been stranded in HHM’s cornfield because of Howard Hamlin’s petty office politics. He’s so concerned for Kim that he also sacrifices the $30K bribe retainer that Betsy gave him for the sake of righting this wrong, and along with it, his dreams of his own office with Kim as a partner. As a bonus, he’s also righting the wrong he himself committed by taking Betsy’s bribe without having to admit that he’d ever taken it in the first place. But his actions also serve a greater purpose than reinstating Kim in her former position at HHM - he ensures that Craig serves time for his misdeeds, returns every penny of the embezzled money to the county government where it belongs, and allows Craig’s children to part with their father for only a year and a quarter, instead of three decades.

Still, even with all of the benefits that come out of Jimmy’s Kettleman scam, Kim would not have accepted the way he went about things. She had no idea he’d taken a bribe in the first place - something entirely unconscionable to Kim - and breaking into the Kettlemans’ house, even for the purposes of returning all of their money to the DA rather than absconding to Belize with his new boyfriend Mike every penny would be utterly out of the question for her. I really think that part of Jimmy’s anguish as the elevator doors close on Kim and the Kettlemans is his knowledge that he can never tell Kim what he’d done in order to make things right on her behalf.

By the time Jimmy confronts Kim about scamming Bobby and Lois, there have been an incredible amount of changes to Jimmy and Kim’s relationship. Jimmy’s revealed his abilities to Kim by rolling Ken Wins, and Kim’s revealed that, when it doesn’t intersect with work, she enjoys a good scam herself. But as their relationship progressed, the lines between scams and work got blurred for Kim, to the point where she begins to actively participate in scams on behalf of her clients. Still, even when Jimmy proposes that a lot of people would appreciate their powers combined to combat a potentially life-threatening sentence, Kim demurs the obvious invitation to reopen Wexler & McGill with the bromide that they should “only use [their] powers for good.”

So, when confronted with Bobby’s pig-headed obstinance against taking the frankly sweet deal that Kim’s engineered for him, she initially rejects Jimmy’s instinct to scam, and she’s right to do so. It’s sloppy - Jimmy’s just spent the last half hour or so trying to make himself indelible to the criminal denizens of the courthouse, and he’s not exactly displaying in the way a DA’s office peon would in that post-it-note-yellow shirt and checked suit. Doesn’t help that he’s not exactly whispering that Bobby is a “dweeb” and that Kim “think[s] he’s a jackass” practically within their hearing. Besides, the whole thing is too close to home - Kim’s last scam was all the way out in Lubbock where nobody knows who she is; this is her courthouse, her domain, and her reputation is on the line. So when Jimmy claims that it would be “using [their] powers for good,” she rejects the notion vehemently (and dear god the dumb animal hurt on Jimmy’s face when she does so...).

But when she returns to Bobby, Lois, their baby and their baby-to-be, she caves. And her caving isn’t selfish in the way that Jimmy’s was when he scammed the Kettlemans; even when he gave up his money and sacrificed his dream for partnership with Kim, he still wasn’t caring about anyone outside his very limited circle of intimacy. Kim cares about Bobby, who doesn’t understand the prejudice that a jury of his “peers” would have against him. She cares about Lois who trusts in “whatever Bobby wants,” and will be stuck to raise two tiny babies on her own for three years if it all goes to shit. She cares about those babies who need a dad. So she uses the story Jimmy made up on the fly and scams them into taking the deal. And it’s the “right thing,” because it’s providing her client, his wife, and his children with a chance at life that they wouldn’t get to have if she’d followed his wishes and went to trial. But it’s the wrong thing, because as an attorney she is ethically obligated to accede to her client’s wishes with regard to his representation. She’s sacrificing far more than Jimmy did when he returned the Kettlemans to HHM - she’s sacrificing not only her reputation, but her ethics, morals and convictions. Instead of the victimless crime of granting her client a 13.4% larger bank branch by swapping a set of blueprints out in a needlessly complex bureaucratic system, she has flagrantly lied to her clients in order to manipulate them into a decision that will benefit them in the end. It’s killing her as she does it (AND RHEA SEEHORN’S ACTING THOUGH) in the way that she can’t meet their eyes, and how she literally flinches when Lois floats that she can get the DA’s deal back “if [she] ask[s] real nice.” And she realizes how far she’s gone when she’s allowed this ability - her “powers” with Jimmy’s, as it were, to circumvent what’s supposed to be the most sacrosanct aspect of the law: the trust that a client can have in their attorney.

Kim just did the wrong thing for the right reasons, and she sees herself sliding down the same slope that led Jimmy to become Saul Goodman. And while he’s reveling in the freedom his metamorphosis has given him, Kim is beginning to realize that this is a dichotomy that she can’t survive either professionally or ethically.

[punkscowardschampions]

Flat Whites & JJ

Mia: Mum can take four of us, so three of you are still going to need to find your way there, Dad's away on a Golf weekend 🤷 Grace: I'll ask if any of the fam can take the rest of us 🤞💜 Mia: Aw, thanks so much, babe Mia: so you're cool not coming with us then? Grace: there's like 1000s of them so 🤷🙄 someone'll will totally be talked or bribed into doing it 💅 Grace: oh yeah sure, it's like not even a problem, babes Mia: 😂😂😂 for real, got to have some upsides, yeah? Mia: Great 💗 Mia: the rest of you, you can only bring what you can hold on your laps, Dad took the range so we're in the sports, the boot is like non-existent 💁🙄 Grace: ugh IKR?! 😂😂😂 Grace: at least we can take SO MUCH of the stuff whoever's behind the wheel, you're so welcome huns Mia: Love a helpful queen Mia: Asia, are you even coming with us or are you going to ditch us for your boyfriend, again 💅 Asia: Of course I'm coming!!! Asia: Literally just got my hair done 👌👌✂ Asia: [and a million pics that nobody asked for] Jimmy: 😍😍😍😍😍 Grace: WOW! SO CUTE Mia: Yeah, but are you coming with us or coming with us like Maya's party where you left SO early with him instead of having a good time with your besties Ella: 😏🍵 Hollie: wasn't so early she didn't have a good time with ME tho! 💃💘 views to prove it Asia: UM like isn't it LAW that what happens at parties stays there?! 🤫🤫 Asia: & he doesn't even wanna come with soooooooo Jimmy: 💔 Ella: Oh, so we're your 2nd choice? 🤔🤔 Mia: 💔 is right, so rude Asia: ???!! Asia: not even Mia: We all heard you, you can't deny it Mia: at least own it, babe, omg Asia: you asked if he was coming?? Mia: Literally no one is concerned about him but you 😂 Mia: shame he's not, I might need your seat, actually Mia: but that's cool, yeah? seeing as you've got so many options Asia: ?????????? Mia: 🤫🤫 Grace: Why might you need her seat though? Spill on who you're trying to bring, thank you Mia: I'm not trying to make this convo all about me Mia: so cringe Mia: we're meant to be planning, thank you Jimmy: Go on, we're obvs all DYING to know Mia: Have to wait and 👀 Mia: be a nice surprise for you all Janis: How will we ever bear the suspense? Jimmy: there's only one of you who's getting mouth to mouth if you stop breathing, soz Janis: Things are looking up, Asia 🤞 Jimmy: I'm SO not going if Asia's not going, FYI Janis: 💔 Mia: There'll be room in whatever you're showing up in Mia: assuming she doesn't ditch you too, it's her thing rn Jimmy: put her on my lap ✔ you don't mind, do you, babe? Ella: 🤢 Jimmy: green's right Jimmy: no need to be jealous, El Ella: Don't ever call me that Jimmy: Babe 💔 come on Jimmy: this TENSION between us Ella: Repulsive and delusional, cute 🙄 Ella: Why are you even in this chat, though 👏 it's not nice to make fun of Asia, or helpful rn Jimmy: Bit rude to chuck me out of a chat she started Jimmy: but alright we can plan without her Jimmy: Mia* Mia: You aren't funny, new boy Jimmy: is that @ Asia's boyfriend or? Jimmy: he's got a name Janis: You aren't funny, babe Janis: what's to plan anyway, we have tents, we have lifts, sorted Hollie: Is Asia coming? Mia: Grace, can you please explain to your sister how much more there is left to do Mia: and Asia why are you like making people ask after you??? hello, answer a question, would you, silence ain't cute Grace: Janis does lowkey have a point, babes, it is chill Grace: she doesn't need or want to be involved in our outfit planning, obvs 😂😂 Asia: I LITERALLY SAID I'M COMING Ella: 🔉 Ella: Why are you shouting though Asia: why are you the volume police, Ells?? OH MY GOD Mia: Obviously Mia: but there's actually important stuff still to do, thanks, like who's getting the drink, for one Mia: Asia needs to calm down and find herself a seat, and a whole new tent if she's going to bring everyone down with her attitude??? Mia: don't take your relationship drama out on us tbh Jimmy: The unfunny dickhead with the unflattering fake ID, duh 👋 Jimmy: Love me again now, don't you? Mia: Don't get excited Mia: I want 2 bottles of vodka Jimmy: You gonna put me on a timeout, an' all? Cute Mia: El? Ella: Same Janis: You know it's a weekend Janis: you two don't need 4 bottles between you Janis: and you aren't even meant to have glass anyway Mia: You suddenly care about the rules? Mia: We'll pay you now, chill out 😂😂 Jimmy: I was waiting for the #flex Jimmy: can rest easy and count my 💰 now Mia: 🙄 you wanna pay for us Mia: literally none of us will be impressed Jimmy: and live off bread and water for the foreseeable? You're alright Jimmy: So poor, me, you just put the reminder out yourself Mia: 💔 Mia: like we're all SOOOO rich Jimmy: 🙄 Mia: like, bang on about it more, so not boring Mia: is anyone else going to order or are you just going to keep him waiting forever? Mia: what's wrong with you lots, like are you being shy Hollie: you bringing up Maya's party has me 🤔🤔🤔 maybe we should chill out with the 🍾🍾 idk Mia: You make those little videos sober, don't think you need to worry about being any more cringe, babe Mia: why are we going if to not have fun, come on now Hollie: WOW, ILY too babe Mia: it is what we 💗 about you Mia: so funny Hollie: 👌👌👌 Mia: OMG, this MOOD Mia: you're all stressing me out, actually over this Grace: Vodka is like totally fine for all of us, okay? Just get enough to have fun with, like Mia said Grace: without getting CRAZY like Hollie warned Grace: then we can all just move on Jimmy: 👍 Mia: Yeah, this is so much fun Mia: 🙄 Mia: I'm over this convo Jimmy: 💔 Mia: El, be ready in 15, okay? Grace: Is that everything? Mia: 🤷 Mia: Like I'm doing all the work for what? Mia: You wanna be boring, you'll have to work it out yourselves Grace: I'm literally asking so you don't have to do it all yourself, honey Mia: I said, I'm over it Mia: We're going shopping, you can all do what you want Grace: Ugh Grace: everyone stop Ella: The problem is you're doing nothing though? 💁 Grace: Excuse you? Ella: What? 😂 Grace: That's like the opposite of helping Grace: I'm trying to sort everything out Ella: 👌👌👌 Grace: Do you wanna talk to Asia rn? cos I don't think you appreciate how upset she is Grace: That's what I'm doing Ella: Such a saint 🙏 Ella: she's got nothing to be upset about, just like the rest of you, this is such a joke Grace: mhmmm Grace: we all know you wanna call the whole thing off, Ella Grace: but maybe the rest of us wanna go, so like ?? Don't be so rude Ella: That's why me and Mia are the only ones who have made any suggestions in this chat??? Ella: Okay Grace: 4 bottles of vodka isn't a suggestion, it's a shopping list Ella: We all know you can't handle your drink Ella: so why don't you ask for some cocktails in a can and get realistic about it Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Mia: El, leave it Mia: this chat is so hormonal Grace: Call off your clone please, so over her Ella: Ha, now who's excused Ella: what was that about green? Grace: yeah cos I was so in favour before Grace: okay Grace: I literally don't care, count me out if this is how it's going to be the whole time Ella: The tantrums 😂 Ella: your sister finally invites you to something and this is how you act Grace: my sister isn't the one being a total bitch, you are Grace: eat something, you'll feel better Ella: Seen enough changing room meltdowns to know that's not worked for you, hun 😚 Mia: This is so toxic and we all know why Asia: I don't Mia: 🙄🙄🙄 Mia: God 😂 Mia: she speaks Hollie: stop shading her Mia: And another one Hollie: her and her bf will be done before the tents are set up, like hello? Hollie: it's not worth dragging her over Asia: 😱😱😱 Asia: Hollie! Mia: Wow Mia: it says so much about you that you only pipe up when things get bitchy Mia: both of you, where was this enthusiasm earlier? Damn, say how you really feel, Hols Hollie: I have to do my own dirty work 🤷 Hollie: if Ells had a twin too, I could sit back and get comfy too Mia: No one's asked you to be such a bitch Mia: this is why people don't fuck with you, so uncomfortable 😬 Hollie: yeah cos only you two are allowed, isn't it? Hollie: is it a boy you've invited? Mia: 😂 show me where Hollie: maybe where Ells is about to pull Gracie's weave out? Hollie: or when you uninvited Asia cos you're so salty that she has a bf Mia: Grace is trying to threaten she's not coming and Asia is clearly doing the same since no one uninvited her Mia: like, try to hide your drama behind us some more Mia: we're shopping for outfits, MY mum is driving us, I've paid for my drinks? Mia: sort your lives, honestly Hollie: my drama is you, you're being cringey bitches and I'm so done 👌 Asia: So I can come with you? Ella: Mime to a sad song, you'll feel better Ella: duh, Asia Hollie: I'll feel better when that boy you have a crush on, who I won't name to the entire chat cos I'm not that bitch, slides into my DMs again Hollie: thanks so much though, Ells Ella: It's tragic you think that means anything Ella: as if you've ever made it to the tent being put up Hollie: It's sooooooo funny that you think that's going to get to me Hollie: I don't want a 💍 and you know it Ella: that's lucky Ella: don't think they do engagement rings in man-sized Jimmy: Well I'm fucked then Jimmy: soz babe, the proposal's cancelled Mia: Are you two legit still here? Mia: That's even more pathetic than you three, you're in luck Jimmy: waiting on my shopping invite, no manners, you Mia: You've got your list Jimmy: But how can I join the cult if you don't tell me the dress code Jimmy: Kool-Aid's on order, like Mia: 🦗🦗 Mia: less reaction than your fake proposal bombshell, I am SO sorry, sweetie Jimmy: I proper felt that, you should go to drama school Ella: and Brits are meant to be decent at sarcasm Ella: try harder, new boy Jimmy: What's sarcasm? Please tell us, attack dog #1 Ella: Get Grace to, seeing as she's such a martyr Ella: Asia's stopped blubbing now Grace: Get over yourself and my name out of your mouth, hun Grace: your changing room meltdown atm isn't my problem Ella: OMG, a real-life 👼 Ella: deigning to talk to us commoners for a sec Ella: you wanna talk about names in your mouth, be sure to tell Asia what you said about her after she left Maya's, k 😘 Grace: Jesus loves everyone babes, even you Mia: 💁 so true Mia: make sure your hands are clean before you start pointing the finger, Gracie Grace: Oh please, I was drunk after I left that party cos OBVS I can NEVER handle my drink, DUH Grace: Do we wanna take a moment to talk about what you both said about my sister and her boyfriend after they invited us to this festival or no? Mia: Try on another excuse, see if that one fits Ella: 😏 Ella: doubt it Grace: we for sure don't wanna take any moments to discuss body image, unless of course you really would like to leave the chat and focus on your ootds Ella: 🐢🌵💚 Asia: ??? Asia: what does that even mean?? Ella: She knows Ella: Asia are you at home? Asia: not my home Asia: why? Ella: to pick you up Ella: you still need to get stuff too, right? Asia: OH Asia: I'll get him to drop me off rn Ella: 🙌 we'll wait 💗 Asia: 👌💗 Mia: We'll do nails and tan after, Dad's paying Asia: I can't tan too dark tho it'll clash with 💇 Mia: 'course, babe, that'd be so cringe Mia: you'll look amazing 😘 Asia: 💗💗💗 Mia: k, toodles 👋 Asia: SO excited Ella: Us too 💃🍾 Hollie: 🙄🙄🙄 Ella: Your negative energy is really draining Ella: speak up if you've got a problem, Hols, maybe we can help Hollie: I just can't remember stepping into a time machine and popping out again when we were like 12 tbh Ella: Your backne is acting up again? Ella: Worst timing, the sun will do it wonders though, don't worry Hollie: 😂 Ella: See, that's more like it Ella: positivity, ladies Hollie: Mia, are you really doing this? Mia: Doing what, babe? Hollie: you know Hollie: 🥶🥶🥶🥶 Mia: I really don't, though Mia: sorry 😕 Mia: DM me if you don't want to say it in front of them, yeah Hollie: okay Hollie: be really cool if you could swat Ells off your shoulder first though Hollie: just saying Mia: Why are you being like, jealous Mia: so weird Mia: we're all friends, 'cos we're not 12 😂 Hollie: check your inbox Hollie: you won't be BFFs with her when you read that Ella: Beg an invite harder Hollie: you'll be begging to keep yours, babes Hollie: gonna have to do your own tan, uh oh Ella: You'd know all about that Ella: 🍊🍪😷 Asia: OMG yay! I understood that time Ella: 😂 it'd be hard to miss, right babe Ella: bless Asia: 😂😂

[enbouton]

Better Call Saul Rewatch, Part 7/30: Guilty As Sin

Bingo (Season 1, Episode 7)

Written by Gennifer Hutchison / Directed by Larysa Kondracki

If someone asked me “I want to get into Better Call Saul, what’s a good episode to start with?”, I would tell them “START AT THE BEGINNING and don’t skip anything!!!”, but I would also be tempted to say “Bingo”. It has everything: Chuck and Jimmy together, Kim at work, sweet McWexler moments, inept criminals, Jimmy charming the elderly, a What’s Mike Doing?™ sequence. It’s poignant and heartfelt and makes you feel for our long-suffering protagonist as he’s thwarted once again, but there are notes of hope and optimism too.

Having said all that, it feels weird to pivot and point out that the episode opens with a shot that quite clearly frames Jimmy as a wanted criminal:

Irate Abbasi comes for his notebook, which Jimmy claims to have stumbled upon in the parking lot. Abbasi isn’t buying it, but he can’t prove the theft, any more than he can prove that Mike is the killer he’s after. He leaves after delivering Mike a breathtakingly cruel parting shot: “Hopefully whatever you are didn’t rub off on the rest of your family.” Mike takes it on the chin.

Sending Jimmy away, Mike talks with Sanders, who you get the feeling knows exactly what happened that night in Philadelphia. He says that if Stacey has nothing to tell them, that ends it. He’s not unsympathetic: a lot of people thought that Hoffmann and Fensky had it coming. His younger colleague just needs to learn that “some rocks you don’t turn over”. The world isn’t as black and white as Abbasi would like it to be.

A chrysalis hangs from a leaf in the foreground as Jimmy drives up outside Chuck’s house. He finds Chuck outside, attempting to build up his tolerance to EMFs. After what happened, he says, he has to find a way to get better; it’s a rare, pure moment of hope, and it energises them both. Jimmy brings in boxes of case files, claiming lack of room in his office. He just needs to fill out the 413s on some wills, he says. “You mean 513s,” Chuck corrects him. A deliberate error to entice Chuck? Either way, he takes the bait, and Jimmy watches him through the peephole as he starts rifling through the files.

At a palatial office building, Kim and Jimmy explore a vacant suite. Huge and bright, it could not be more dissimilar to his cramped nail salon digs. “It’s time to invest in myself,” Jimmy says, using the language of self-improvement again. “Gotta look successful to be successful, right?" But he’s saving the very nicest room, the corner office with the sweeping views, for her.

I like the handling of Jimmy’s romantic gesture here. Kim is genuinely touched by it, but her attachment to HHM isn’t something that she can just shake off, nor is she ready to change the course of her carefully planned career. (This is also the first scene that refers to HHM having put Kim through law school and the debt she owes them.) Noting his disappointment, she defuses the awkwardness by saying she wants to see the kitchen. Jimmy lingers in the empty corner office, looking crestfallen.

At HHM, Craig and Betsy sit hand in hand. Kim is outlining a plea deal she’s arranged for them. Betsy hates the very word “deal” (”a deal is what they got O.J.!”) Kim tries the word “arrangement”: sixteen months in prison (down from 30 years) as long as the money is returned. “But there is no money,” Betsy says. Kim— who stays patient and professional despite her obvious frustration— reminds them that if they go to trial, Craig will most likely end up in prison for decades. She asks them to consider their children, “seeing their dad through bars on visiting day”. Betsy coolly tells her that she’s fired.

Howard blames Kim for this, which is the kind of thing you might think would account for a lot of why Jimmy seems to hate him so much.

Called away from the bingo game he’s officiating (the bingo machine on this show always sounds like a pot of boiling water about to spill over), Jimmy meets the Kettlemans at Loyola’s. The moment where the server comes over with coffee and Betsy waves them away just as Craig reaches out his mug is just perfect. The Kettlemans want to hire him, with certain stipulations: zero jail time and no deal. Jimmy, reluctant from the outset, tries to convince them to go back to HHM (sweetly, he adds “and apologise to Ms. Wexler”), but they won’t budge. “If there were any money, there would have to be a full accounting of it,” Betsy tells him. “Every penny.”

(“All of it,” Craig chimes in, after Jimmy has got the message. “That includes the $30,000…” / “He knows, Craig.”)

At HHM, Jimmy finds that Howard has evicted Kim from her office and sent her to the unseen east wing, the “cornfield”. We get a gorgeous repeat of one of ep. 1’s best shots:

In defeat, Kim is wry. They discuss the hopelessness of the case. No deal is possible without the money. Back in his office, Jimmy rifles through legal texts (one copy of the New Mexico Statutes is open to the page headed “Embezzlement”), then looks up. Toward the ceiling.

Mike is up to something. In a lovely, deft, unhurried sequence, he sprays a stack of cash with some substance, puts it on the back of a remote-control car in the Kettlemans’ yard, then retreats to the back wall with his transistor radio and eats apples off a nearby tree while listening to baseball. Several apple cores later, Craig retrieves the money. After the Kettlemans have gone to bed, Mike enters the house and uses a blacklight to follow traces of fluorescent dye to a compartment where they’ve stashed the money. Later, Jimmy ruefully adds the $30,000 he’d stashed in his ceiling to the pile. He’s doing “the right thing”, he tells Mike, making air quotes.

In the morning, Jimmy goes to the Kettlemans’ house— interestingly, he’s back in his dark brown double-breasted suit here, after an episode and a half of Matlock linen— and confronts them. They have to take the deal; the money is on its way to the DA’s office. “Criminals have no recourse,” he quotes Nacho. They could report the bribe he took, but that would implicate Betsy as well as Craig. Jimmy does twist the knife just a bit with the reference to “inter-prison visitation”, but then Craig entreats Betsy to think of the kids, and she breaks down and sobs. The show invites us to marvel at Betsy’s wilful blindness to reality, but when she confronts it at last, it’s not pretty.

Jimmy returns the Kettlemans to HHM, where Kim mouths “thank you” at him through the open elevator doors. It’s a bittersweet victory, though: without their bribe, Jimmy can’t pay for his new office any more. Even the suit he’s wearing reflects that he’s back where he was pre-Kettlemans. Alone in the large, airy suite, he kicks the door repeatedly and cries. Then his phone rings; he composes himself. “Law offices of James M. McGill, how may I direct your call?"

Misc.

“As you well know, there is a 60-kilovolt transformer 200 metres south-southwest of my front yard." I love Chuck because he’s a nuanced, sympathetic, complicated character and also because he says things like this.

Jimmy wants a cocobolo desk. He doesn’t know what it is, he just likes saying it.

For those keeping track of colour symbolism, Betsy wears a bright coral suit to their meeting with Kim; Craig wears pale pink, literally a watered-down version of Betsy’s colour. Later, orange features in both Craig and Betsy’s clothing:

As the Kettlemans hurry out of HHM, you can hear Betsy telling Craig “don’t look back, honey. Always look forward. Always in life.”

Craig and Betsy aren’t sure what elder law is. “Maybe if we were older...” Craig muses.

Timeline: a few days in early to mid July, 2002

Music

"Tune Down” by Chris Joss (2009), as Mike steals the money back

References

Cracker Barrel (hey, I didn’t know what it was until I visited the U.S.) is a Southern-style, country-themed restaurant chain where the front porches are decorated with rocking chairs.

Guy Lombardo, one of Jimmy’s bingo references, was a big band leader and member of the Royal Canadians.

Mrs. Landry’s cats are named after Oscar Madison and Felix Ungar, the lead characters in The Odd Couple (play, film and TV series).

The 25th Hour is a 2001 novel about a man’s last day of freedom before imprisonment for dealing drugs. The reference may or may not be anachronistic; the film adaptation was released in December 2002, a few months after the events of the episode take place. Ned and Maude Flanders, meanwhile, are Homer Simpson’s relentlessly cheerful Christian neighbours.

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[aion-rsa]

Line of Duty Series 6 Episode 2 Review: What is Kate’s Game?

https://ift.tt/39l9RLa

DCI Jo Davidson: D for Devious. C for Corrupt. I for I wonder what hold the OCG has over her. Because that flappy car tantrum was not the act of an ice-cool customer solely in it for the spondulicks. Jo’s a foe in woe. Why? We don’t know.

What we do know is that AC-12’s shade-ar now has a 100% detection rate. Every time it’s pointed at a potentially bent copper, it finds one. The moment Davidson picked up that burner phone from Beardy Blue Van Man, she lost all claim to innocence. Everything now points to her having 1) tipped off the OCG about Carl Banks running his mouth, 2) bought them enough time to kill him and the CHIS framed for Banks’ murder, and 3) used her keys to Farida’s to plant those burner phones and frame her as the leak.

What made Davidson do it, and whether AC-12 will be able to nail her are the questions. This series is still at the drawing-us-in phase, making steady progress by laying the ground and setting mysteries instead of bounding from one shock to the next.

Speaking of nailing Davidson: now that she’s dirtier than a street dog, is Kate about to lie down and catch fleas? DI Fleming was firmly on Team Jo this episode, thumbing her nose and rolling her eyes at AC-12 at every opportunity. When Steve tried to muster a sense of bonhomie in that piss-stinking underpass, Kate was having none of it. She betrayed him to get in Davidson’s good books, exposing Steve to a humiliating defeat when he and his troops stormed the Hill, his waistcoat puffed up with the fair winds of justice.

Was Kate and AC-12’s break-up really that bad, or – and a prize poppadom to everyone who got here earlier than me – is the lady protesting too much? It wouldn’t be the first time Fleming has gone undercover via a different anti-corruption team. The twist would be that, having exhausted all the Forster, Francis, Flynn surname variants in previous series, this time she’s gone undercover as herself, playing a disgruntled ex-anti-corruption officer who’s had it up to here with those pious tossers at anti-corruption. Hate those guys.

It’s one explanation for the cosy glass of wine, lingering hug and weekend invitation. Another equally plausible scenario is that Kelly Macdonald is a pre-Raphaelite beauty, even in her sensible trousers, and Kate’s recently single and ready to mingle. Who could blame her?

It is in the air, after all. John Corbett’s widow Steph let Steve know that he’d be welcome to visit her bungalow whenever the desire arose. Steve’s problem is that thanks to his injury and painkiller addiction, nothing of his has risen for well over a year. (Not strictly true. In a victory that couldn’t have been more bittersweet if it had come dipped in Green & Blacks Organic Dark 70%, Steve’s finally been promoted to DI – rewarded for his loyalty by a Super he’s planning to skip out on.)

Uncharacteristically, Steve wasn’t at Steph’s for yet another unwise sexual liaison, he was there to covertly suss out why she’d visited Ted at work. If I heard it right, Steph told Ted “You promised you’d call me back, it’s HMRC,” before he ushered her out of headquarters. Are people starting to get suspicious about that so-called life insurance sum (actually £50K of hooky cash Ted passed Steph to make up for the lack of police pay-out on John’s death)? Another mystery: are Ted’s buttocks the ones leaving a dent in Steph’s sofa in front of that big TV on match nights? 

Read more

TV

Line of Duty: Who is DC Chloe Bishop? Fan Theory Suggests Series 1 Link

By Louisa Mellor

TV

Line of Duty Series 6 Episode 2: Ryan, Davidson & All Our Questions & Theories

By Louisa Mellor

Apologies there, for the blasphemous mention of Ted Hastings’ buttocks. Three Hail Marys and an act of contrition later, where were we?

That’s right, the return of Ryan Pilkington or The Caddy V2.0. The OCG’s newest inside man, Ryan’s history with AC-12 made for some awkward moments – whenever Steve showed up at The Hill, Ryan had to duck behind a tall plant lest Arnott remember that time he tried to amputate his fingers with a set of bolt cutters. Kate, now working alongside Pilkington, struggled to place him as the kid she’d once attempted to scare straight with threats of the sexual assault he’d face in juvenile custody. For Ryan to be Farida’s replacement on this case means there’s definitely somebody on high pulling the strings. Two to one odds it’s CC Osborne, whose conspiracy to cover up Steve’s botched Counter-Terrorism op in series one we were reminded of in that first Vella clip.

No thanks to Murder Squad, there was a breakthrough on the Vella investigation. Steve and Chloe (Ted was right, a great wee girl) have learned that Vella was poised to go public with her findings on police corruption, and so was likely killed for her silence.

The Vella case has been the force’s highest priority for over a year and has got nowhere. AC-12 poke it for five minutes and they’ve already uncovered a motive. It’s amazing how much police work can get done when the investigators aren’t being bribed to drop the evidence in puddles and misplace their pencil when it’s time to take down witness statements. “Working their bollocks off to find Gail Vella’s killer,” are they, ACC Wise? If Central Police are so desperate to solve Gail’s murder, why put Ian pigging Buckells in charge, an officer with only half of what it takes to be a useful idiot. 

It’s a clever trick, inserting Vella into the past investigations. Zoom out a little from every series we’ve watched and it’s easy to believe there she’s been, watching alongside us, raising eyebrows and keeping receipts. Vella’s a mouthpiece for series creator Jed Mercurio’s well-aired opinions on PR and optics-led politics and policing. (Literally a mouthpiece. He gave me her line questioning what corrupt police officers were getting out of their relationship with Jimmy Savile back in 2016.) Her case may also have been partly inspired by the still unsolved murder of Daniel Morgan in 1987 – as namechecked by Vella’s producer – a case with alleged connections to serious police corruption. 

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Wrapping Vella around the past series is a neat turn, but comes with the drawback of needing to keep those cases alive in viewers’ memories. That means more recap dialogue than we’re used to from a series that usually, flatteringly, speeds off without a backwards glance and expects us to keep up. “If your man pulled the trigger that means he’s a gun for hire, the order came from higher up,” said Ted this episode. “If organised crime ordered the murder of Gail Vella, they’re protecting Carl Banks and framing Terry Boyle,” said Steve. “Yeah, we get it”, says Kate, speaking for the viewer. Credit us with some grasp, Line of Duty. Loyalty works both ways.

The post Line of Duty Series 6 Episode 2 Review: What is Kate’s Game? appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Dr. Dre, who donated $70 million to USC, says his daughter got in 'on her own'

Dr. Dre wrote that his daughter Truly was accepted to the University of Southern California "all on her own" on Saturday. Given the college admissions scandal that's still making headlines, this was a strange brag — the school literally has a building named after him.

"My daughter got accepted into USC all on her own. No jail time!!!" Dre wrote in a since-deleted Instagram post. Presumably, it was deleted because people quickly pointed out a $70 million donation he made to the school with executive Jimmy Iovine in 2013, which funded the Jimmy Iovine and Andre Young Academy for Arts, Technology and the Business of Innovation. (Dr. Dre's legal name is Andre Young.)

SEE ALSO: Hallmark severs ties with Lori Loughlin after college admissions scandal

Dre is technically correct - his bribe was legal

— Fletcher Cocquyt (@Cocquyt) March 24, 2019

I love that twitter changed my mood to “that’s awesome Dr. Dre!” to “oh he shady af”

— Ezra Caraveo (@Ezra_Caraveo) March 24, 2019

"on her own" ummmmmmmmmmmmm

— peezky weezky (@Peezkyweezky) March 24, 2019

Of course, making donations to a school is not illegal — and it's definitely not paying $500,000 to make your kid a fake crew recruit. (Why commit crimes when there's a technically legal way to get what you want, Lori Loughlin?) But as we continue to talk about parents leveraging their wealth and influence in a way that ultimately helps their kids get admitted, it's worth keeping in mind.

WATCH: These are America's wealthiest celebrities of 2018

[whodoesntloveagoodscandal]

I haven’t had much to say about this season of Scandal because frankly it’s been a little too all over the place for my taste. However, last night with the re-emergence of Olitz we were finally back in familiar territory. Granted, it was toxic, nauseating, ‘why are we here again?’ territory but it was familiar nonetheless.

I will admit that even though I hate Olitz with the heat of the burning sun that Olivia and Jake want to stand in I could always (begrudgingly) admit they had chemistry and spark. Compatibility? No. The ability to make each other happy? No. The willingness to put the other before everyone else? Well, one of them was willing but the other (*looks at Liv*) not so much. But I digress...

The point is no matter what I could always feel the the chemistry...until last night. I watched the episode the first time around and there was something off about it but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. So I watched it again today to see if I could figure out what it was (besides the obvious) that was bothering me and finally it clicked. And since it clicked I have a question to ask, are we going to talk about how Olivia played Fitz like a drum...or nah?

That’s what felt off about the whole thing. She played them, she played them ALL, but no one more than Fitz.

First of all she tells Mellie that she has to cede the election. Her reasoning was sound, to an extent, but at the same time she was talking to Mellie freakin’ Grant. In what world would Mellie willingly lay down and concede her opportunity to Cyrus?!?! The talk Liv gave Mellie about being an inherently good person and too noble to ‘win’ the White House this way was nice, it was moving, it was inspiring...it was also bullshit. But it’s bullshit that puts Liv in a good light and it forces Mellie to follow suit. Which she won’t...and Olivia knows that. So later in the episode she gets to be righteously indignant when Mellie flips the script and does exactly what everybody knew she was always going to do, which was fight for the Oval. 

After Cyrus is freed Liv goes to Fitz to report to him that Mellie is devastated but with time she'll be okay. Fitz being Fitz isn't the least bit concerned about Mellie or what she's going through, in fact, the only thing he's worried about is pulling Olivia into an awkwardly long hug. She drops the seeds tells him, "I wanted this...I needed this..." to which he responds, 'You deserve this." And with that she lets go of him and walks away without looking back. 

Olivia continues  with the "Smack it, Flip it, Manipulate it" tour with the next stop being Cyrus' hotel room. The second the door opens she becomes Olivia Pope, Fixer and she's shoving a suit at Cyrus to wear in order for him to look presentable. He declines reminding her that he's been eating prison food and therefore had lost a substantial amount of weight. He goes on further to tell her the whole reason he's in the shape he's in now is because she walked away from him and left him for dead and he has no interest in being another problem she gets to fix. They precede to play tug of war with the door until finally he snaps and she lets go. Cyrus is beyond done and he declares that it's over but Liv being Liv assures him that 'IT' is far from over and just needs to let her   exp--

I'm sure there was more but sadly we'll never know because he slammed the door in her face at that point which stopped her tirade. Thank God. 

Soon after hitting that brick wall Olivia is then summoned to the Smithsonian to go visit her Daddy, his bones, and his little strategic blue boxes.  Eli per usual is trying his best to keep Olivia in the land of the living but she has got her stubborn mind set on 'winning' a battle that she decided it was hers to fight. She doesn't really know these people, doesn't really know what they're about, doesn't really know what they're capable of and doesn't really know the lengths they'll go to get what they want. But yeah...she's totally prepared to win this war. Apparently because she was able to dismantle B6-13, which was run by either her father or by the man that loves her, she thinks dismantling whatever the hell Killer Barbie and Mr. Robot (are we sure that man is even human?) are running is going to be a piece of cake. Who wants to tell her? 

Back at the office Olivia uses Frankie's widow to paint Cyrus as a poor, misunderstood man wrongfully accused of (that) murder who deserves to be given a chance by the American people Electors to run this fair nation. Mellie (so Olivia thinks) sees Frankie's widow and raises her  Cyrus' prostitute nanny husband who admits to the world that while he doesn't think Cyrus murdered Vargas he still cried himself to sleep at night  because Cyrus was such a horrible, horrible person. 

Olivia is infuriated and so her, being the pot, decides to call Mellie--the kettle--black. Shame on Mellie for using Frankie's grieving widow in an effort to manipulate the voters to...oh wait, that wasn't Mellie. And neither was the Cyrus thing apparently which Mellie is quick to let her know, right before hanging up in her face. 

Back at the White House, Fitz is doing what he does best which is trash Mellie for doing the same exact shit that he does on a daily basis but thinks he should get away with. Olivia is quick to defend Mellie and say that she's heard a Mellie lie and that wasn't one, it was someone else. This is where things started to get weird or rather, blatantly weird. When Fitz demanded to know who the other person was Olivia took a giant step forward and got all in his space. In that exact moment you could literally see about 25% of his brain just stop working as it usually does in those situations. She begins to tell him about seeing her father yesterday and she tells Fitz, "he told me to stop, he said if I didn't they would kill him." Which is partially true. He also told her they'd kill her if she got Cyrus elected but I guess she didn't hear that part.

So, of course, Fitz flips his lid and is ready to throw Eli under the jail because he's guilty (which he is) but Olivia found time to climb off her high horse long enough to plead her father's case because he was "weak, old, and imprisoned." Cyrus was also weak, old and (literally) imprisoned but she had no problem chucking the deuces to him at the prison and leaving him to rot. But again, I digress...

Olivia then does what she does best and starts manipulating the hell out of Fitz. She threw his words back in his face about how they all did terrible things and since she forgave Abby he should DEFINITELY forgive the man that had his son murdered. It's clearly the same thing. Since that wasn't enough Olivia then started to twist the knife a little further by reminding  him that they were the ones that put an innocent-ish man in prison for a crime that he did not commit and they were going to leave him there to suffer and die. So they had to fix Cyrus. And by they she meant Fitz, and since he's such a good little wind-up doll he did exactly what she wanted and before long he had Cryus on stage speaking and looking oh so fresh and so clean. Meanwhile as Abby and Olivia smile at each other smugly, Eli is at the Smithsonian making his peace with the fact that they're all screwed. 

At Mellie's office she's called into a meeting with Lizzy Bear, Killer Barbie and Mr. Robot. Mellie quickly figures out that Liz has gotten in involved with the lowest scum of the world--AGAIN--and she's not having it. She orders them out of her office and they all look at her like, "umm...and who are YOU, supposed to be?" Needless to say, no one left the office. Mr. Robot went on recount the story of the Trojan horse and told Mellie in no uncertain terms that while she had the position of power it was all a ruse because she wouldn't actually have any power. So basically she would be exactly like Fitz only she wouldn't be afforded the same illusion of believing she had any type of power like he did. Despite hearing this Mellie was still talking a good game...right up until Killer Barbie used Liz North's head as a golf ball and tried to hit a hole in one with it. After that (and having her children threatened) Mellie had no more to say to Mr. Robert and Killer Barbie but yes, she understood. 

Back at the revolving door that leads to Fitz's bedroom the FBI Director/Presidential girlfriend, Angela marches in and gives Fitz a manila folder and all but spits out at him that she was giving him a head's up that she had a warrant to arrest Olivia. When Fitz wants to know on what grounds she tells him that her team 'uncovered' evidence that Olivia paid Tom to kill Frankie. Hmmm, if i remember correctly one of the last people with that evidence was Olivia, how lucky of the FBI to just stumble across that. 

So, as women so often have to do on this show, Angela was forced to tell Fitz's crooked ass about himself. She had hard evidence connecting Olivia to the person that was accused of killing the President-elect but Fitz decides it time to accuse her of going after Olivia on a personal level and not because of truth and justice. So, in FItz's mind he's such a catch that not only would Olivia still be pining over him but Angela would be risking her hard earned career falsifying evidence just to get the 'competition' out of the way. I think I'm just going to add this scene to my, 'The Reasons I Don't Fuck with Fitzgerald Grant" list. 

Back at Mellie's office Olivia walks in to find Mellie covered in blood and still as a statue with a dead Liz North at her feet. Mellie begins to explain what happened and once she got to the part where she would be the President because they made sure it happened by buying/bribing/threatening the electorates Olivia is in la-la land and still dreaming up ways to stop Killer Barbie and Mr. Robot. Liz's BRAINS are quite literally right next to her Jimmy Choo's and Olivia is talking about going public through proper channels. WTF?? That stupidity was enough to knock Mellie out of her trance and she told Olivia point blank that they will kill her if she doesn't stop. And once again Olivia gets this dumb, confused look on her face like she doesn't know what the word "kill" means in relation to herself.  As Mellie begins to work herself up into an epic panic attack Olivia tells her she has to go. Poor Mellie is traumatized beyond belief and Liv just...leaves. Luckily for Mellie, Olivia left her right hand man behind with her and he's the best man for the job. He's the one that Olivia trusts to get the job done when she can't. 

So, Liv goes back to the White House and while there Fitz tells her that Angela is going to arrest her and inexplicably she's a-ok with that. It's the perfect idea. If she, Mellie's campaign manager, gets arrested for paying off Tom to kill Frankie and framing Cyrus for that then that means the fallout from that scandal will be enough to knock Mellie out of contention completely. They win and they beat the two scary murderers at their own game. Seriously, the plan is flawless, what could possibly go wrong? *RME*

Of course Fitz is not okay with that and in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to allow her to take the fall for her guilty father. The FBI needs a head on a spike and that head is going to be Eli's not hers. Olivia is quick to remind Fitz, as she stomps towards the door, that he should know by now that she doesn't need or want his permission. He stops her by yelling across the room that if she takes the fall for her Father and goes to jail for the rest of her life then he would lose her, forever. I wasn't aware he still had her, but whatever...

He goes on to say that her father is guilty but she's not trying to hear all that and she tells him that her father is old and feeble and some other lies and that if he's put in prison then they will kill him and if THAT happens then he'll lose her anyway. So basically it's a lose/lose situation for Fitz. Or so she lets him think. 

Back at Cyrus hotel Liv is drinking all his liquor as she spells out her plan to fall on her sword, drag Mellie down with her, and save the day! (Seriously, the plan gets dumber every time I hear it) and she informs Cyrus that soon he will be the rightful and deserved President. He made the ultimate sacrifice (when?) and now it's only right that she do the same.

 At the White House, Angela all but kicks the door to the Oval office in and she barrels down on Fitz. She's been told that not only is Olivia no longer going to be arrested but she's been yanked off of the case and it's been given to someone else. Fitz's response is that he did that in lieu of sending her to the field office in Omaha as if he did her a favor, and to add insult to injury he said if that didn't work for her he would always accept her resignation.

Side note:  Ladies, this is why you don't mess around with fuck boys and ain't shit men. They will ruin your life every time

So, Fitz admonishes Angela for making it personal as if he wasn't the same person that enjoyed torturing Jake, not because he killed his son, but because he had been with Olivia. Or as if he wasn't the same guy that took personal pleasure in revealing intimate, sexual details about Olivia to her FATHER in an effort to get a rise out of him. That guy is the one that wants to sit on his high horse now with a woman that was actually doing her damn job. Ugh, one more thing to add to the 'Fitz Ain't Shit' list. 

So finally, the results are in and Mellie wins. It's a sad moment though because she's sitting all alone drinking hooch with remnants of Liz's blood still on her face. And Cyrus is with Abbie who's power-hungry ass is a large part of the reason he was put through the hell that he was. All in all it was a tragic sight. Back at the White House after finding out that Fitz did exactly what she wanted him to do told him not to do she all but runs in to berate him for daring to go against her. And she tells him, "And for some reason you find it very hard to believe that if I have to choose between him and you, YOU will lose" 

Why does it feel like she's not referring to her father...? 

So, anyway Fitz in all his smug glory asks her if she's done yelling and then precedes to turn on a TV and show her Eli sitting in the oval office and he says,

"You saw your father taken into custody, MY custody. He's safe Liv, and now you and I can focus on taking down Peus, together." 

She then goes to sit by his side like a Stepford Wife (getting back in the routine, I guess?) and she stares at him with tears in her eyes. I didn't feel any overwhelming love or excitement or anticipation or chemistry. It just felt forced? Disconnected? Awkward? Unwanted? Fueled by guilt? All the above? Whatever the case may be it didn't feel natural or genuine. 

I think for me the reason the kiss and the coupling that followed seem unnatural is because I'm about 99.9% sure Olivia played and manipulated the hell out of Fitz. Power-hungry Liv didn't just disappear overnight. Sure, Frankie's assassination rocked them all and it may have caused that need she had for power to dampen a little but it didn't extinguish it. So that Liv is still there just waiting for the ultimate power grab, and I think she just found it. 

This episode was called 'Trojan Horse' and in Greek mythology the Greeks constructed a huge horse as a parting 'gift' for Troy after a 10 year siege that went nowhere. A few Greeks hid in the horse while the rest pretended to sail away. The Trojans being smug and high on their victory brought the horse into their city, which they had managed to keep protected for years, as a trophy to show off. In the middle of the night the Greeks got out of the horse, opened the gates for their fellow soldiers and preceded to destroy the city.

So the Trojan Horse in the episode wasn't Mellie (at least not yet) it was Eli. So that begs the question, is Olivia the Greek? Did she set all this up knowing that Fitz would fall for it hook, line, and sinker? Did she do this knowing that all she had to do was float the idea of him and her being back together and it would be all it took for him to move heaven and earth to make sure she was available to him? Is the reason that scene between them was so awkward because it was driven by guilt more than anything else?

[itsworn]

40,000 Fans Weren’t Scared Of The Dark At Norwalk’s 40th Night Under Fire

Forgive us for the theft of young Newt’s line from the unforgettable film Aliens, but when more than 40,000 people show up for a one-day show (okay, it was mostly under the lights) at a well-groomed facility like Summit Motorsports Park in Norwalk, Ohio, you can pretty well assume they aren’t scared of the dark!, Down through its four decades of life the Kelly Services Night Under Fire has been referred to by numerous permutations of its real name, but it really doesn’t matter what you call it. You like Night Of Fire? That’s fine by us. Think Night On Fire is even better? Cool, use that one, because it doesn’t matter what you call it, this event is, without question, the single best one-day show in all of drag racing, and therein lies a very important point in today’s world of increasingly diverse forms of the sport.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re going an eighth of a mile, 1,000 feet, or a full quarter mile, if you’re going from Point A to Point B in a straight line from a standing start you’re drag racing, and that’s what counts with us. Yes, the NUF featured competition at all three distances, too. The reality is that there are more permutations of drag racing than ever before. We could try to list them all, but there’s no need. You know all about them, from the nitro-burning excitement of an NHRA Mello Yello Series national event to that “No Prep” bracket race at the track across town on Saturday night. Purists of one form of competition over another may never be convinced that it’s a race without Pro Mod, but for every one of them there’s someone else who believes no car should ever race on tires wider than 9-inches. It doesn’t matter, because it’s all drag racing.

What the Night Under Fire does is somehow encompass numerous forms of drag racing, bringing them all under one umbrella for a show that’s like no other, and that word “show” is all-important. Sure, there’s plenty of racing at the NUF, but it’s the show that really counts. You may believe that winning is everything, but for most of the 40,000 fans in Norwalk, the burnouts, wheels-up starts and everything else that took place between those Points A and B counted far more than the win light. And thus we come to our final point before trying (we will not succeed) to delve into all the nuances of the NUF, and that’s the fans themselves. Just as there are myriad forms of drag racing, there are fans for all of them – and they are not one and the same. The naïve among us may believe the same guy who loses his mind when John Force does a burnout in his Camaro Funny Car is the same guy who shouts himself hoarse when Ken Hall starts doing burner pops in his Jet Funny Car. Uh, no, they are not the same guy, and therein lies some of the beauty and appeal of the Night Under Fire, because there’s just enough, but not too much of, well, everything to attract fans of everything drag racing.

The diversity of those fans results in a lot of interaction that’s interesting to witness, and we’ve seen plenty of it. When the Nostalgia Drag Racing League’s Pro 7.0 category comes up to run you’ll see the more knowledgeable fans explaining what’s going on to the neophytes. You’ll also hear fans explaining to one another what a holeshot is and how the “slower” car won the race – which the announcers also did a thorough job of doing. Don’t know what a burner pop is? You’ll learn at the NUF. You’ve heard of John Force, but have never seen him? The guy sitting next to you will show you where the autograph session is (which every driver participates in). Need an event shirt? The stand’s right over there. When do the fireworks start? Just wait!

John Force continues to be the star attraction at the NUF, and, just like his 16 championships, he’s earned that position. But, while the NUF is a show, the racing is as legitimate as it gets. The Funny Cars are run Chicago-style, meaning that everyone runs the first round, with the two quickest returning to determine the winner (although everyone else runs that second round too, because this is all about the show). Force didn’t make the finale this year, but teammate Robert Hight did, facing off against former NHRA champion Cruz Pedregon. Height won going away with a very credible 3.865/321.58 to the Cruzer’s 3.927/322.84.

We could certainly list every elapsed time and speed recorded by the likes of Ron Capps, already a six-time winner in ’17 with the NAPA Dodge, Tim Wilkerson with the LRS Mustang, Jack Wyatt’s Dodge, Dale Creasy’s Jr’s. Tek-Pak Mopar and Del Worsham’s Lucas Oil Toyota, but this is about the show, not the timeslips, and the show was killer, with lots of header fire and very competitive times.

When we said the NUF has something for everyone we meant it. There was even a selection of young kids driving in three different invitational categories of Jr. Dragster. Now here’s a dose of reality: For most adults those cars don’t do much, but they are oh-so-important for drag racing’s future. When those cars began appearing in the staging lanes so did a significant number of other kids, dragging their parents along by the hand to show them the cars. Yeah, we saw a few dads blanching at the thought of yet another car in their garages, but we saw just as many smiling in anticipation of what might be.

In days gone by jet cars were often considered circus-like by hard core aficionados of the sport, but here, too, there’s been a change in attitudes. The hard core folks have come around, ‘cause with every afterburner pop and every run we saw more and more people really getting into it. The culmination was, of course, Chris Darnell’s simply awesome triple-engined “Shockwave” Peterbuilt – which bears as much resemblance to a real truck as this magazine’s editor does to, say, Brad Pitt.

Two years ago at the NUF (last year’s event was the only rainout in the event’s history) Darnell tore up the pavement behind the starting line with his afterburner pops, peeling back a 4-inch thick slab of asphalt like a ripe banana in the hands of a Minion. Management appeared less than pleased, but this time around track honcho Bill Bader, Jr. invited Darnell to blow down every building in the place on his last run. Sadly, he failed to do so, but the show he put on was memorable regardless of his inability to destroy brick and mortar buildings with a single blast.

When it comes to drag racing, pure drag racing, there’s nothing to compare to the NHRA U.S. Nationals in Indianapolis over Labor Day weekend, but by the same token, nothing compares to the Night Under Fire in Norwalk in August. It’s the kind of one-and-only that you need to experience in person to truly understand. For example, you like ice cream? Summit Motorsports Park may be the only venue in the country where you can buy a pound of small batch ice cream that comes hand-packed in a Styrofoam cup for only a buck. Yeah, just one dollar. Hate ice cream, but love fireworks? The show that caps off the evening’s activities, with boomers, starbursts, spinners and gosh-knows what they call the others going off from at least three different locations around the track is stunning. It’s a bigger show than you’re likely to find in a city of several hundred thousand inhabitants on July 4th – and we aren’t exaggerating.

But fair warning: The Night Under Fire may be habit-forming. The reason we suspect it is is because we spoke with fans from as far away as upstate New York in one direction, and Georgia in the other. All confessed to having been to the NUF for at least 10 years, and all called it the best damn one-day drag racing show they’d ever seen. We agree.

  A couple of years ago John Force dropped a few S-bombs during his pre-race interview with track manager, Bill Bader, Jr. Darned if he didn’t clean up his act this year!

Not a seat left, and pre-race festivities haven’t even begun.

The way to watch the NUF, from mom’s lap.

Every race at Norwalk opens with the display of a giant American flag, which the fans love.

A perfectly timed flyover by vintage WWII fighters crossed the starting line just as the national anthem ended. Good timing, cool planes.

Now this is how you do a patriotic burnout!

Are you an older fan? Then you know a flag starter when you see one. He sends off every pair in the ScottsRods AA/GS show.

Cars like this stunning 1933 Willys had the over-50 fans screaming for more.

The Nostalgia Drag Racing League’s Pro 7.0 field was packed with interesting cars like this Anglia.

More Pro 7.0 insanity.

You want wheelstanders? We got ‘em, including this spark-spewing pickup driven by (wait for it) 84-year-old Jim Brewer. He topped 120 MPH on two wheels.

Pro Mod cars? Yup, the NUF has ‘em.

Del Worsham’s all-black Lucas Oil Toyota ran in the threes, but didn’t make the finale.

John Force was the most popular driver on the grounds, but that didn’t help him make the finale.

Tuner Jimmy Prock (glasses, directly behind car) knew just how to attack the Summit Motorsports Park track, and thus led driver Robert Hight to the event title in three-point-eight-something seconds.

The new Queen of Diamonds, Sarah Edwards, gets ready to take off (not literally!) against the Beast From The East.

Are those people holding their ears? We can’t tell.

Chris Darnell’s jet almost defies description. The fans loved the show he put on.

A racer, who demanded anonymity, attempts bribing the tech inspector for the Jr. Dragsters. Okay, we made that up, but the dog enjoyed the evening as much as anyone with just two feet.

Nuthin’ like a jet Funny Car at night. Nuthin’!

Not an empty seat in the house.

Noise, flame and smoke. What more could any human being want?

Don’t laugh. One, or even both of these kids could grow up to be World Champions. Just ask Antron Brown or Erica Enders how that works.

Two-time IHRA World Champion Dale Creasy is a regular in the NUF. “The most fun I have all year,” he says.

Rahn Tobler was named Grand Marshall of the NUF for his 40-plus years of service to drag racing.

Defending NHRA champion Ron Capps has won six times already this year, but he couldn’t manage a seventh in Norwalk.

Cruz Pedregon’s Snap-on Toyota made the final round against Robert Hight.

Ready to fire, Force’s car is surrounded by fans.

How many autographs do you think John Force has signed during his career?

Sure, there’s a kid’s playground at Norwalk. Doesn’t every track have one?

You’d be smiling too with a pound of ice cream in your fist for just a dollar.

The brutal Bruiser Fiat, a favorite at Norwalk.

Don’t believe that smile. Seven-year-old Evan Clark of Brookpark, Ohio is not having a good time!

Best kid’s shirt at the NUF.

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[enbouton]

Better Call Saul Rewatch, Part 4/30: Upon This Rock I Will Build My Church

Hero (Season 1, Episode 4)

Written by Gennifer Hutchison / Directed by Colin Bucksey

This episode deals largely with identities. Jimmy is Saul Goodman, he’s Slippin’ Jimmy, he’s Howard Hamlin, he’s his own receptionist on the phone, he’s Tony Curtis in the bath scene in Spartacus, he’s a local lawyer and a local hero. It’s fitting that we open with a flashback showing young Jimmy using the name “Saul” for the very first time, and just as fitting that it’s done without fanfare: it’s tossed out as a half-joke. “S’all good, man!” Jimmy, in a garish, slithery-looking striped shirt, leads his mark down the alley where his partner in crime awaits. The unhurried pace of this sequence is very effective, suiting the stillness of nighttime Cicero and the low-key nature of Jimmy and Marco’s con.

The flashbacks on this show (with the exception of the corner-store one) all take place at night or in dimly lit rooms; here’s some good meta that touches on how Jimmy thrives in darkness. Is it significant that the first Slippin’ Jimmy con we see is one that wouldn’t work on an honest person? Jimmy needs a mark who’s willing to make off with the "Rolex”, thinking he’s got one over on the rube who settled for $1,580 in cash.

Afterwards, Marco is radiant with admiration for Jimmy— “I love watching you work”— but Jimmy says his talents are good for beer money, and that’s about all. Again: what would have happened to this guy if he hadn’t had to leave Cicero? This is not the face of a man who’s happy with where he is in life:

(It is the face of a man who’s being "haunted by the ghost of vladimir lenin” (@deadpanwalking), but I digress.)

Back in the present, Craig and Betsy stand over a pile of money and stress that what they did was “for the kids” (sound familiar?). In substance if not style, Jimmy’s pitch to the Kettlemans bears more than a little resemblance to Kim’s pitch to Mesa Verde: “What are you gonna get from me that you won’t get from those other guys? Passion. Commitment ... If you’re with me, you’re my number one client, morning, noon or night. You call me, I’m there. I would be singularly devoted to you.” But Betsy isn’t swayed: “You’re the kind of lawyer guilty people hire.” Ouch. Exhausted and beaten down, Jimmy takes their bribe.

Nacho, now released, surmises that Jimmy tipped off the Kettlemans. I like that Nacho is as smart as Jimmy. I like that the show generally surrounds Jimmy with people who are as smart as he is. Jimmy counters that Nacho didn’t need any help making himself look suspicious, and Nacho stalks off.

As Jimmy launders his money, assigning stacks of cash to “consulting fees”, “research” and “travel expenses”, he constructs yet another alternate self, this one belonging to a narrative in which he worked for the Kettlemans.

We see Jimmy getting measured for an expensive, conservative suit, yet when the tailor steps out of the room, something wonderful happens:

#it’s like watching a baby being born #a really tacky baby

But Jimmy isn’t just using his windfall to smarten up; he’s playing a long con involving a billboard exactly mimicking one of Howard Hamlin’s, ringlets and all.

Small brain: using your ill-gotten seed money to advertise your business

Galaxy brain: dressing up as your enemy, buying a provocative billboard that you know you'll be forced to take down, hiring a film crew, then bribing a worker to fall off the billboard so that you’ll get on the local news for rescuing him

“He’s… you know, a free spirit,” Kim says, having been dragged out of the office to look at it. She demurs when asked if she and Jimmy are still friends, which, tbh, is fair enough, given how Jimmy behaves around Hamlin (we’ll get into that later). There’s lots to think about with Jimmy literally dressing up as Hamlin, recreating his look down to the smallest detail. Once again he’s taking on another persona, albeit just to achieve a short-term goal. “What kind of lawyer are you going to be?” Kim will ask him in season 2. It’s a question Jimmy seems to keep asking himself.

In the midst of Jimmy and Hamlin’s clash, we get an early glimpse at the tightrope Kim is expected to walk at HHM. She shouldn’t feel the need to lie about who her friends are in order to stay in her boss’ good graces, yet she does, and later on she breaks off a friendly conversation with Jimmy to hand over a cease & desist letter. With Kim, BCS dodges the “successful woman has to choose between career and relationship” trope in favour of something much more interesting, a woman facing uncertainty and unfairness in both spheres. Kim’s relationship with Jimmy isn’t even the main reason she’s treated unfairly at work, and her allegiance to HHM isn’t what’s keeping her and Jimmy apart.

The billboard comes down, but not before Jimmy has himself filmed in front of it, first speaking to camera about the injustice he’s faced, then racing up a ladder to rescue the worker whom he bribed to take a fall. It’s fascinating to watch how Jimmy tells his story here. He hits all the right beats— patriotism, bootstraps, public service, the dream of owning one’s own business— and casts himself as the all-American underdog who “scrimped and saved” to buy a billboard only to have it snatched away from him. We’ll see Jimmy employ a lot of these tropes in his advertising later on; this is his skill at face-to-face communication writ large, but the foundation of the billboard con is his ability to create situations that he can manipulate to his advantage.

When Jimmy drags the worker back up onto the walkway and the two slap hands, we finally see his angle. Watching him on the news in the HHM boardroom, Howard mutters “whole thing’s a damn stunt” and walks off. Kim gives a little smile.

The one part of the situation that Jimmy can’t control is his brother. He has the foresight to keep the newspaper from him, but he can’t account for Chuck’s pedantic attention to detail. Of course Chuck will wonder why his newspaper wasn’t delivered; of course he’ll look outside and see that all his neighbours have theirs; of course he’ll deduce that there’s something in the paper that Jimmy doesn’t want him to see, and cross-reference this against what Jimmy told him about a sudden change in his fortune; and this, perhaps combined with the urgent care receipt that fell out of Jimmy’s pocket a few weeks prior, will concern him enough that he’s compelled to go outside.

The show has already tipped its hand re: the true cause of Chuck’s symptoms, but that’s almost beside the point here: what matters is that they are real and debilitating. As soon as he steps outside, he’s overwhelmed, his senses are deranged, and he nearly runs into the path of a car in his haste to get across the road. The chaotic, visceral sequence ends with a blackly comic cut to his neighbour’s perspective. From the outside, this proud, suffering man is just a crazy guy in a space blanket, scurrying back to his door.

Misc.

“You assume that criminals are gonna be smarter than they are,” Jimmy muses to Mike. “I don’t know. Kinda breaks my heart a little.”

IIRC, the billboard, which went up for filming in Albuquerque in 2014, was how we all found out Saul’s original first name.

A wall of glass blocks appears prominently behind Jimmy and his mark as they walk down the alley. Marco’s fake ID, in the name of Henry Gondorff, bears an issue date of July 1991.

What we see of Kim’s office is devoid of personal items, except for a pair of sensible sneakers on the floor.

Timeframe: this episode picks up right where “Nacho” left off and covers a period of about two weeks. The Albuquerque Journal is dated June 20, 2002; Chuck’s copies of the New York Times and Wall Street Journal bear cover stories that were published on June 19th or 20th (they are “Israel Acts to Seize Arab Land After Blast; Bush Delays Talk” and ”Unhappy Returns: IRS Moves to Bring Back Random Audits”).

Music

“Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple (1972), sung by Marco

“Listen” by Chicago (1969), as Marco and Jimmy smoke

“Battle Hymn of the Republic” by Herbie Mann (1969), as Jimmy launders his money. Saul plays a different version of this song in his waiting room in Breaking Bad.

“Unsquare Dance” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet (1961), as Jimmy calls the media

References

Young Jimmy offers to take his mark to a place “a couple blocks off Cermak”. He’s referring to Cermak Road, a major east-west thoroughfare that runs through Cicero, neighbouring Berwyn, and parts of southern and western Chicago.

“Super 170 Tasmanian wool”: the “Super” number corresponds to the diameter of the wool fibres; the higher the number, the finer (and more expensive) the cloth. 170s wool suiting is very fine, soft and lightweight. More info here.

Sea Island cotton: a variety of extra long staple cotton historically grown in the Caribbean and named after the area of South Carolina:

“Sea Island cotton is the ultimate choice for any suiting connoisseur due to its unrivaled softness and second skin-like feel. This ancient fibre is now grown mainly in the paradise climates of Barbados, Antigua and Jamaica; its inherent long staple yarns create a silky yet strong surface, resisting wear while smoothing over time. Extremely scarce, it makes up just 0.0004% of longer staple yarn production.“ (Turnbull & Asser, where you can buy a Sea Island cotton shirt for £345/$456)

French cuffs: double cuffs that are folded back and fastened with cufflinks; a very formal style

Club collar: a white collar with rounded points, created by alumni of Eton College who wanted their dress to indicate that they belonged to that exclusive “club”. All in all, the elements of Hamlin’s signature look connote wealth and sophistication in a formal, conservative way.

Jimmy refers to Tony Curtis’ appearance in a particular scene in the 1960 epic Spartacus. It’s worth noting that the scene, which features two men bathing together and some heavy innuendo about “snails” and “oysters”, was considered so homoerotic that it was cut entirely by the censors and only restored to the film in 1991 (source). You can watch part of the scene here.

Kim invites Jimmy to a screening of The Thing (1982), a horror film about a group of researchers in Antarctica encountering a parasitic alien entity.

While talking to reporters, Jimmy mentions Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, investigative journalists who covered the Watergate scandal.

The Groucho Marx mirror routine Howard refers to is this scene from Duck Soup (1933).

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