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medicbrainrot · 1 year ago

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got used to the feeling of letting it go, so give me something to believe in (deep end, part 3)

A/N: continued content warning for suicidal ideation, domestic violence, and excessive alcohol consumption.

“Damn it…” Simon stared at the apartment door, his mind flooded with circling thoughts. “What do I do now?”

How can he get her to stop? Can he even do anything? Is he making things worse by trying? He felt a knot form in his throat, making it difficult to swallow.

As he stood there, he heard a yell come through the door followed by the sound of glass smashing.

“Aaarrrggghhh!”

At the sound, Simon’s heart joined the knot in his throat, panic flooding his veins. He knew he had already lost control of the situation, but suddenly it felt ten times worse. He felt like some of his worst fears were coming through, and he was paralyzed by the fear of something else happening to Juliana.

All he wants to do is make things right.

She needs to be okay. She has to be.

Simon tried to take a deep breath to steady his nerves, in an attempt to calm himself down. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

He turned around to face the door, and as he lifted his hand to the handle, he heard another yell followed by more glass shattering.

“AAARRRGGGHHH!”

“NO!” Simon yelled in response, slamming the door open and rushing inside.

He was done deliberating, he had to do something. He wouldn’t leave until Jules let him help her.

Upon entering the living room, Simon could see smashed bottles on the floor that hadn’t been there earlier.

He heard a third smash come from the direction of the bathroom, followed by a yelped hiss and the sound of running water.

Without another thought, Simon rushed to the bathroom, his mind flooding with all kinds of horrible scenarios.

His heart pounded in terror as he approached the doorway, panic flooding his mind as he pushed open the bathroom door.

The world seemed to stop when Simon finally laid eyes on Juliana.

He rushed over to the sink where she was standing, his heart stopping when he saw the shattered mirror and her hands under the faucet, the water running pink.

“Jesus Christ, Juliana! Are you okay!?” He cries out.

“Peachy keen.” She slurs, swaying slightly.

“Oh fuck.” Simon’s words shook as he saw the blood dripping from her hand. She had sliced open the skin on her hand, probably from punching the mirror.

The pit of guilt in his stomach grew ever wider, threatening to consume him.

He put his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to turn her towards him so he could get a look at her hands.

He wanted to help her. He needed to help her.

“Jules, what the hell…what did you do!?” He asked, voice still shaking.

He felt like his world would collapse at any moment.

“What you couldn’t…” She slurs. “Finish the job.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Simon exclaims, a tear starting to run down his face. “I’m so sorry, I really am.”

It was killing him to see Jules like this. Her eyes were clouded with an alcohol-induced haze, but he could read the anger in her body language.

She was hurting, and he was to blame.

“I want to help you…” He says, voice cracking a little.

“Sure you can, join the party.” She shrugs. “There’s a whole selection under the kitchen sink. Just make sure to clock me in the right spot.”

“I’m not going to hurt you!” Simon cried, his voice laced with notes of desperation. “There has to be some other way to fix this…”

“My ex said that too. And then he tried to kill me anyway. Might as well get it over with, right?” She slurs, still running her hands under the faucet.

“I’m not him!” Simon exclaimed. “I don’t even know who he is!” He shook her by the shoulders and looked directly into her eyes.

He stared at her for a moment, and with a sinking realization came to the conclusion that nothing he said would help.

“I just want to make things right, Juliana. I…I’m so sorry for what I did to you. Please, please forgive me.” Simon pleaded, voice finally cracking.

“Make sure they use lilies at my funeral, not roses.” Juliana slurs, seeming pretty out of it.

“You’re not dying! I’m not going to hurt you!” Simon shouted desperately.

His concern grew even more. Was she going to try to kill herself? Would she really try something like that?

“Juliana, for God’s sake! I’m not going to hurt you, I want to help you!” Was she even listening to anything he said, or had the alcohol blurred her mind so much that nothing was making any sense?

“Hmm, maybe if you hit me again, it’ll sink in this time…” Juliana mumbled.

“NO!” Simon shouted, trying to pull her out of the bathroom.

She may hate him for the rest of his life, but he still cares about her. He’s not going to let her hurt herself, no matter how much she hates him.

“Listen to me!” Simons says as he shakes her shoulders. “I’m not going to let you continue hurting yourself!”

He slid his hands down her arms and he began to drag her away from the sink.

She stumbled as he dragged her, the insane amount of alcohol she had consumed affecting her balance and coordination.

“Christ…” Simon growled, his body tensing as he held Juliana up. “Jules, please, let me help you.” He pleaded. There has to be another way to get through to her.

“Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.” She mumbles. “How can God’s name be hallowed if people curse it all the time?” She asks no one in particular.

Simon didn’t really know what to say to that. “Huh?” He asked softly, staring at her.

Why is she bringing up religion? Just how drunk is she? The alcohol must be making her lose her common sense.

“Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.” Juliana continued softly.

“What in the hell?” Simon muttered under his breath, confused. “Jules, where did you learn that?” He asked, as if this were a normal conversation, as if she hadn’t just been talking about killing herself moments ago. “Jules, what the hell is going on with you?” This was taking a turn for the weird, she wasn’t making any sense.

“My grandma, the catholic one.” She slurs. “Used to say it all the time when my mom and I would fight.”

“Your mom and you?” Simon asked, sounding concerned. “Did…did she hit you?”

Some of the puzzle pieces were starting to come together. “Why would she do that?”

He wanted to know, but he knew he had to tread carefully so that he didn’t hurt her further.

“I don’t know why.” Juliana tries to shrug. “I never cared much for religion. What kind of god allows parents to hurt their children?”

“You were abused.” Simon concluded softly, sadness evident in his voice. “Is…isn’t there anyone else you could have turned to about this? Anyone you trust?”

Simon felt like he was starting to understand. He felt guilty for not having understood earlier. For not having seen it sooner.

“You, the team…but when you backhanded me, in front of everyone, I felt like I was back to square zero.” She says softly.

“I’m sorry.” Simon said, his voice laced with intense guilt. “I really am.”

The events of the past two days were his fault. He had driven her to this. He was responsible.

Simon stared at her in silence for a moment. “I’m sorry, Juliana.” For a brief moment, you could see the deep pain in his eyes, the pit of guilt that had been growing, beginning to consume him.

“It’s okay.” She shrugs sadly. “I’ve been through worse.”

His eyebrows furrowed at her statement. “No, no, it’s not okay.” He said seriously, his tone still soft. “It’s never okay for this to happen to anyone. I…I don’t care what’s happened, or what you’ve done. No one deserves to be abused.”

“For the longest time… I believed it was my fault, that I had done something wrong.” She whispered.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Simon said with conviction. “It was never your fault.”

He felt awful. Simon felt awful that she had been through this, twice, and that he had contributed to it.

“Juliana, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s your parent’s fault. It’s your ex’s fault. Not yours.” He said, trying to convince her. He wanted to make sure she knew it wasn’t her fault. To make sure that she didn’t blame herself for what had happened, never again.

Juliana looked at him, tears beginning to slide down her face.

Simon saw the tears in her eyes, and felt his heart shatter. He hadn’t felt like this in years, he felt worse than he had in a long time, seeing her cry like this.

“It’s okay Jules.” He said softly. He lifted her up a little bit so that she could sag against him as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. “You’ll be okay.”

Simon sighed as he looked down at her. “Just… just promise me one thing, okay?” He asked softly. “Promise me you’ll stop drinking like this, okay?”

He looked at her, sounding a bit desperate. “You’re drunk. Very drunk. And your emotions are running high. You can’t keep going like this, Jules. You know I’m right.” He said firmly.

“I don’t even like alcohol.” She mumbles. “It’s gross.”

“Yet you’ve been drinking it anyway, why?” Simon asked, notes of confusion in his voice. He didn’t understand. Why drink if she doesn’t like the taste?

“Nothing hurts when I’m drunk. Everything feels numb.” She says.

“And what do you do when you sober up? It will still be there, waiting for you. You’re only going to hurt yourself more if you keep drinking like this, Jules.” He sighs. “Drinking your problems away doesn’t solve them, trust me.”

“I know it doesn’t actually fix anything.” She sighs. “But sometimes it’s nice to not have to feel anything for a little while.”

“It’s never good to numb yourself out like this.” Simon gently explained. “It always gets worse when you sober up. Please, stop drinking like this. You’re better than this.” He said, notes of concern and love in his voice. “You’re worth more than this, Juliana.”

“Is that what you were thinking when you hit me?” Jules asked quietly.

“Do you want to hear the honest answer, or the sugar-coated answer? Because I’ll give you the honest answer.” Simon said, slightly bitter. “I was angry. I was mad at you. And I let that anger get the best of me. “I’m sorry.” He said sincerely.

“Thank you for being honest.” She said softly.

“So… will you stop trying to drown yourself in alcohol?” Simon asked, hoping she understood how worried he was and how much he cared. “Please?”

“Yeah… I think I’m done.” She whispered. “Help me pour it out?”

“Sure.” He replied, the sound of relief evident in his voice.

He helped her pour out the bottles sitting on the kitchen counter, and he grabbed the bottles under the kitchen sink and emptied those as well. He searched the fridge and the kitchen cabinets, and poured out the bottle he found.

“I think I got it all.” He said softly.

“Did you check under the bathroom sink?” She asked.

“Under the sink?” Simon sighed, going to the bathroom to retrieve the two bottles stashed there. How long has this been a problem that she has so much alcohol hidden in her apartment?

“That should be the last of it.” He said gently.

“You know, it’s kinda funny.” Juliana muses. “I tried to go to AA when I was 19. No one believed I had a problem… A 19 year old college girl with a drinking problem? Nah.”

“That’s awful, I’m sorry they didn’t believe you, that you didn’t get the help you needed.” Simon said softly.

“I was underage, but otherwise well put together.” She shrugs. “I didn’t fit the stereotype.”

“Even so.” Simon said, slightly frustrated. “They should have helped, not turned you away.”

“Did... did you ever try again? To get help?” Simon asked, sounding worried.

“No. I took the initial failure as a sign that I had to fix it by myself.” She answered.

“It doesn’t have to be that way. You can get help.” Simon squeezed her gently. “There are people who care. I care, Juliana, I really do. Let me help you.”

“I know you do.” Juliana sighs. “But when my boyfriend hits me when he gets upset in an argument, that really scared me, Simon.”

“I’m sorry, Juliana. I shouldn’t have done that. There is never a good reason to hurt someone like that.” Simon said, pain in his voice. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“I hope not.” She tries to stand on her own, but wobbles because of all the alcohol.

“Are you okay?” Simon asks. “You’re still very unsteady. Should you be standing?”

“I need to go to the bathroom… I feel like I’m gonna be sick.” She wobbles.

“Okay, let’s get you to the bathroom.” Simon helped her get to the toilet, just in time before the alcohol made a gross reappearance.

She leaned over the toilet, and all the alcohol in her stomach started the process of leaving her system.

“That’s it. Get it all out.” Simon soothed, rubbing her back. “You need to rest, Juliana. You’re not in a good state right now. You need sleep, or you’re going to feel worse.”

“Ughhh, I already feel awful.” Juliana groans. “I remember the last time I got alcohol poisoning. It was horrible.”

“That’s why I was trying to stop you from drinking more.” Simon said, his voice slightly cold. He knew that he had to stop her from continuing down this path of self-destruction. He had to stop it.

“I get it, Simon. I fucked up.” She said flatly.

“You made a mistake. You were upset. I get it. I’m not mad at you. But I want you to get better.” He said softly.

“Ok.” She wobbles as she tries to stand up. “I… I want to take a shower… but I… I…”

Simon helps her to her feet and helps her towards the shower. “Here we go.” He says gently.

He opened the shower curtain and helped her get undressed, starting the water at a warm temperature. He helped her sit down in the tub, and knelt next to it as he started to help her bathe, as if she were a child.

“I’m sorry for fucking up.” She said quietly as he washed her hair.

“It’s alright, Juliana.” Simon replied as he continued to wash her, taking care to be gentle. “I’m here to help you.”

“Thank you.” She sighed under his touch. “I’m the worst girlfriend ever…”

“I think you’re a pretty nice girlfriend, actually. This was just a hiccup, you didn’t do it intentionally.” Simon said gently as he helped her wash off. “Nobody is perfect, Jules, but that’s okay. It’s what makes us human.”

“You’re not alone. You have people who love you. Me included.” He said.

“I’m sorry, Simon. For everything, for… for this, for arguing with you, for provoking you to the point of violence. I’m sorry.” She says, tears gathering in her eyes.

Simon sat silently for a moment as he helped her rinse the shampoo from her hair. After a bit, he felt like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “It’s alright, Jules. It… It was a mistake. But we’re okay, we’ll move on from this. And it wasn’t just you who provoked me, I also reacted poorly.”

“I know I don’t say it often enough, but I appreciate you Simon. My life is better with you in it.” She teeters a little, the alcohol still making its way through her system. “I… I don’t ever want to lose you.”

Simon took a deep breath, and then pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I love you Juliana. I don’t ever want to lose you either.” He said softly. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

She lets out a small laugh. “Simon, I look ridiculous, I’m drunk, naked, and covered in soap suds because I can’t even shower by myself right now.”

“And yet you’re still beautiful.” Simon said matter-of-factly. “You’re still gorgeous even if you do look kind of ridiculous.”

“Even when I’m wasted?” Juliana whispers.

“Even when you’re wasted, or sick, or tired, or any version of anything you think is less than perfect.” He kissed her cheek again. “I will always love you, no matter what. I am here to protect you.” He said, almost as if he were swearing a promise.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be deserving of you, Simon.” She whispered fondly before pressing a kiss to his jaw.

“Trust me, you are. I don’t want anybody else. I love you, all of you. Your faults, your flaws, your traumas, your insecurities. All of you, Juliana.” He gently ran a hand down her hair as he finished rinsing her off. “Don’t you ever doubt that.”

She shivered, a tingle running down her spine.

“I love you.” She whispers. “But can we get out of the shower now? The water is starting to run cold…”

“Yeah, of course.” Simon nodded, turning off the water. “Give me a moment, yeah?” He grabbed a towel and gently picked her up, sitting her on the outside edge of the tub.

“Just dry off a bit, I’ll grab you some clothes.” He rubbed her arms a bit to warm her up.

“Here you go.” Simon stepped back into the bathroom, clean pajamas in hand.

Juliana shivered, despite the warm steam in the bathroom.

“Are you alright?” He asked as he saw her shiver, wanting to make sure she was okay.

“It’s kinda cold…” She shivered again. “I think the alcohol is making its way through my system.”

“Alright, let’s get you in bed and get you warmed up.” He helped her get dried off and dressed, then picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, carefully setting her down on the bed.

He pulled up the blankets around her, before kicking off his shoes and sliding under the covers next to her.

“Thank you Simon, for not abandoning me.” She whispered, snuggling into his side. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m right here.” He replied. “You’re safe, no one is going to hurt you anymore. You’ll always be safe with me. I’m never leaving you, ever. Okay?”

She nods, tucking her face into his neck.

Simon grew quiet, wrapping his arms around her, gently rubbing up and down her back.

“You’re warm.” Juliana mumbled softly.

“Is it comforting?” Simon asked.

“Mmhmm. You smell good, too, like home.”

“I… I do? I smell good?” Simon wondered curiously, running his fingers lightly through her wet hair.

“Yeah,” She mumbles. “Like spice, and pine, and… and home…”

Simon smiled at her description, his heart fluttering a little bit. “You’ve got to rest now, my sweet girl. That’s the best thing for you right now. Get some sleep, I’m right here.”

“Not close enough.” Jules muttered, wrapping an arm around Simon’s torso and bringing herself tighter against him, with surprising strength for someone so drunk.

Simon let out a small laugh at her actions. “You want me right next to you, huh?”

He gently pulled her tighter against him. “Alright love, I’m right here. You’ve got me.” He whispered, tucking her closer to him.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Likes, reblogs, and feedback are appreciated!

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