#how much harder we have it etc
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In times of absolute horror and destruction I wish for you all the transformational creativity of an utterly beautiful madness, and I offer you the blessing of a holy human freak.
she was such a queen for this
#inspo#help#listen i think a lot of rhetoric esp in cis white majoritarian spaces focuses too much on the tragedy of being ‘’other’’���#how much harder we have it etc#i will never forget one of my friends (who made the difficult decision of shaving his dreads for oci)#said during our race n the law class which was mostly abt enumerating genocides of so many people#‘’why would i ever want to be white?’’#there’s such a revolutionary strength and power of personhood to turn around and say#to turn the mirror onto the oppressor and tell them i pity you#actually i reject everything you’ve put on me and here I am actually#anyway#she really went off here#f slur#camille moran#txtit
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Thinking about Elizabeth Woodville as a gothic heroine is making me go insane. She entered the story by overturning existing social structures, provoking both ire and fascination. She married into a dynasty doomed to eat itself alive. She was repeatedly associated with the supernatural, both in terms of love and death. Her life was shaped entirely by uncanny repetitions - two marriages, two widowhoods, two depositions, two flights to sanctuary, two ultimate reclamations, all paralleling and ricocheting off each other. Her plight after 1483 exposed the true rot at the heart of the monarchy - the trappings of royalty pulled away to reveal nothing, a never-ending cycle of betrayal and war, the price of power being the (literal) blood of children. She lived past the end of her family name, she lived past the end of her myth. She ended her life in a deeply anomalous position, half-in and half-out of royal society. She was both a haunting tragedy and the ultimate survivor who was finally free.
#elizabeth woodville#nobody was doing it like her#I wanted to add more things (eg: propaganda casting her as a transgressive figure and a threat to established orders; the way we'll never#truly Know her as she's been constantly rewritten across history) but ofc neither are unique to her or any other historical woman#my post#wars of the roses#don't reblog these tags but - the thing about Elizabeth is that she kept winning and losing at the same time#She rose higher and fell harder (in 1483-85) than anyone else in the late 15th century#From 1461 she was never ever at lasting peace - her widowhood and the crisis of 1469-71 and the actual terrible nightmare of 1483-85 and#Simnel's rebellion against her family and the fact that her birth family kept dying with her#and then she herself died right around the time yet another Pretender was stirring and threatening her children. That's...A Lot.#Imho Elizabeth was THE adaptor of the Wars of the Roses - she repeatedly found herself in highly anomalous and#unprecedented situations and just had to survive and adjust every single time#But that's just...never talked about when it comes to her#There are so many aspects of her life that are potentially fascinating yet completely unexplored in scholarship or media:#Her official appointment in royal councils; her position as the first Englishwoman post the Norman Conquest to be crowned queen#and what that actually MEANT for her; an actual examination of the propaganda against her; how she both foreshadowed and set a precedent#for Henry VIII's english queens; etc#There hasn't even been a proper reassessment of her role in 1483-85 TILL DATE despite it being one of the most wildly contested#periods in medieval England#lol I guess that's what drew me to Elizabeth in the first place - there's a fundamental lack of interest or acknowledgement in what was#actually happening with her and how it may have affected her. There's SO MUCH we can talk about but historians have repeatedly#stuck to the basics - and even then not well#I guess I have more things to write about on this blog then ((assuming I ever ever find the energy)#also to be clear while the Yorkists did 'eat themselves alive' they also Won - the crisis of 1483-85 was an internal conflict within#the dynasty that was not related to the events that ended in 1471 (which resulted in Edward IV's victory)#Henry Tudor was a figurehead for Edwardian Yorkists who specifically raised him as a claimant and were the ones who supported him#specifically as the husband of Elizabeth of York (swearing him as king only after he publicly swore to marry her)#Richard's defeat at Bosworth had *nothing* to do with 'York VS Lancaster' - it was the victory of one Yorkist faction against another#But yes the traditional line of succession was broken by Richard's betrayal and the male dynastic line was ultimately extinguished.
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not going to lie i do find it quite upsetting that so many ppl think that animals that arent immediately relatable to humans are completely incapable of thought or feeling. and thats the only thing that matters when it comes to animal rights arguments a lot of the time
#like the take of ohhhh Well this animal is smart and shows emotions!!! it might even be smarter than humans!!!#as if that matters literally at all#like the argument abt fish or hamsters or w/e being stupid (wrong) so it doesnt matterrrrr if they dont get cared for properly#as if its ever ok to mistreat animals.#in general the idea around smaller or less relatable animals being worth less is super frustrating#like if u post abt microwaving ur hamster when u were 6 everyones like ‘lmaoooo i did the same thing’#but if u posted that abt a dog….? The Gallows#we shouldnt have to care abt mistreatment of animals bc theyre cute or funny or smart#i just watched blackfish again and it annoyed me how much ppl were arguing abt the orcas being so smart and emotional etc#which is true. but thats just smth that makes their captivity harder. u jnow. like if they were simple and had simple needs it would still#be wrong if they werent met#its just such a huge issue bc of how hard the needs are to meet in captivity#same as like. bears and shit. you physically cannot give them enough territory to stop them going insane#ik theres ppl who believe All captivity is wrong#like my strpmum is one who believes nobody should own Any pet#which is. Imo a stupid argument and not at all sustainable. ppl need companions thats why weve had dogs and cats for thousnads of years#but also they are such successful pets bc their needs are so easy to meet!!!!!#its this misconception that fish or rodents are Easy Beginners pets… in reality they are 100x harder. but their lives are worth less to ppl#bc they dont show love the same way#well. anyways im not very good at expressing my thoughts abt serious stuff#but its smth that rlly upsets me#its frustrating too bc ppl either dgaf abt animals aside from Maybe the cute ones or r too extreme in advocating for the freedom of animals#like u can absolutely give indoor cats proper enrichment. its just slightly more effort#and its not as simple as just. emptyinb out the zoos. READ ABT KEIKO!!!!!#i feel its a very interesting topic. but ppl r very b/w on it#idk i feel the majority of ppl know so little abt animals its like. impossible to get thru#like ok cool u think zoos r bad bc the lions get saddddd. but u also think snakes and bugs and rodents are nothing but disease spreaders#and cant also have complex lives#Tsk. Whateevr
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I love watching failed cuts videos, so thought I'd post some of my own!
My training partner and I are getting back into tameshigiri after a long time away, and aiming for one session every week or every other week to keep up for practice. My kesagiri has gotten pretty consistent in terms of success rate, so I'm working on kiriage now.
Cutting is lots of fun and lots of failures XDD
#(my training partner has much more entertaining reactions to his failed cuts. i'm pretty inexpressive outwardly)#(but don't want to share his stuff without permission etc)#(there was a yokogiri attempt where we both ended up on the floor laughing but unfortunately we weren't filming at that point)#it's getting harder and harder to source tatami these days tho :/#i don't remember it being such an issue in 2017/2018#shipping costs are insaneeee#but we have a good number of mats for now which should tide us over for a few months#(also these mats are a different type from what we're used to so. we're having to adjust how we prepare them)#(you can see on the first target especially how it's wobbling around; it shouldn't; we rolled it too loosely and it's not sitting snugly#on the pin; and it moving around makes it much harder to cut XD)#withoutwords
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Also like.
If Junko were actually a player in a Danganronpa murder game.
She would function a lot like Kokichi is functioning. With more charisma, of course, because that is Junko's highest Stat, but like.
Lies. Misdirects. Knows things. Is bored and wants the game to be more entertaining. Thanks Monokuma when something's cool. You're never sure what side she's on.
Functionally. Junko would play the same way.
Just, you know. With more Junko. Like, 100% more Junko.
#musings#bandit liveblogs#bandit liveblogs danganronpa#i can't tell you how many times i thought that during the last case#he's not junko by any means#but he VIBES junko#if you get what i'm saying#and junko would be harder anyway because like#we know junko we would expect stuff from junko#so she would have to be more...etc.#and it would be harder to catch her in the lie#but like#so much of him is functionally junko#but not the aesthetic of junko#if you get what i mean
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i feel like the makeup standards are not necessarily going to get Worse, just. stay the Same. "raised by sephora and ulta" christ alive yall act like this shit is new. as if this hasnt been the standard to blast young girls with makeup ads and shit via magazine and tv and imposed beauty standards anyway. the only real difference is like, idk, accessibility of tutorials for how to apply it well
#toy txt post#spoken as. a no makeup bitch#altho i have also been accused by a terf of wearing a pound if makeup for wearing. visible lipstick in a selfie. and that was It#the actual Beauty Standard has largely stayed the exact fucking same of like making your skin texture as fake as possible#that was the standard back then too but it was harder to achieve /know how to do it cos there werent tutorials the same way now#also yes sephora and ulta are evil and all that but like the same amount theyve always been.#yall really acting like these imposed beauty standards being exposed to children is like a new unique tiktom thing thats never happened#before. and yall blaming instagram are no fuckin better. this has been happening The Entire God Damn Time#also theres something rubbing me about the way this is getting talked about. 'she did all thos other arbitrary bullshit except this#One Thing! the discrimination against this one thing is awful!#and like. it is. but i feel like we could address that while also maybe stepping back a tiny bit further and questioning these arbitrary#standards of professionalism too while we're at it#why does she have to have a blazer either? why do the earrings have to be understated#why do the colors have ti be bland and boring? why does he hair have to be a natural color and gender conforming ?#etc etc etc#like if we're accepting all that other shit the ppl upset about this could acknowledge she might experience similar discrimination for say#very obvious goth or punk-y makeup or anything a little too far outside the bounds of the acceptable beauty standard#everyone is pissed about 'eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man' but theyd be saying nothing if she was discriminated for fuckin#big wings and black lipstick bc well thats Obviously not professional standard makeup. okay?#if we change how we look at professional standards of dress and makeup as a whole to include Fucking Freak Bitches#then it would be a lot easier to include No Makeup in there as welllllll#idk#im a no makeup bitch with blue hair whos only ever worked in warehouses so they didnt give too much of a shit about my lack of makeup#or blue hair as long as i didnt show up in like flip flops which is a Reasonable dress code bc its got an actual fucking reason#(safety so you dont lose your goddamn toes to a box or a grate or some shit) vs it makes the office corpo bros sad#anyway idk if you have the privilege to get away with it i think you should dress weirder in the office to get them used to weirder dress#maybe instead of Suddenly going No Makeup sort of slowly lessen the amount so its not a Sudden change or smth#again: if you have the privilege and job security to get away with it#also also also: easier to get away with if you were to say. mask. js. they cant get mad at schrodingers lack of lipstick
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choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her
#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me#and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front#always always bowl me over#like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time#like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that#when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair#but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard#so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment?#and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's#even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with#bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc#i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum#BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart#like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me#it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE#and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry#and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls#that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good#and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her#that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension#and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone#but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her#i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me#but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her#girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH#hella goes home
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i feel conflicted abt my relationship...need advice etc . in tags . pls i need input sm
#i love my gf a lot and i think our relationship is doing rly good rn . i miss her a lot bc im in a diff country to her but ill see her#in a few weeks etc. anyway things are good....HOWERVER. i am worried abt . our future#like u are supposed to live in the moment and have fun and be young etc etc but this is like..the fact that its going well#is making me consider how our life paths would go tgth and if it would be fair to stay in a relationship u know wont work forever. like#this was one of the reasons why i felt hesitant at first etc. basically i swore to myself i would only date an academic or at least someone#who like. has. A Thing. that they are working towards that they are rly rly passionate abt. bc i thought it just wouldnt work out otherwise#and it seemed after a while of talking that she IS like that...shes applying for a graphic design degree and she seems to genuinely#love art etc so much and also she is amazing at it. HOWRVER...she hasnt drawn in a while#and is working a min wage job despite meaning to quit for ages...and as far as im aware#she still hasnt made a portfolio...etc etc. but im so confused bc like...shes great and ik she can do it i just dont#understand why she wont. she could also get an internship etc in the relevant field but i still dont get it...and its not my place to be#pushy abt it. like i already suggested these things and asked abt them but i dont want to ask any more bc like. its her choice#what she does w her life etc. but anyway its like...am i being pessimistic/impatient and everything is gonna#go well for her or do i hold genuine concerns. and if the latter/both potentially...is it unfair to be like#hey babe ik things are amazing rn but we have to reevaluate bc idk if in 10 yrs i would be happy w where we are#my friend was like. Break Up W Her from the beginning bc he thinks u shouldn't get into a relationship w smn whom you think will not also#elevate u in some way..and ur life paths dont align etc...but he is genuinely married to his academics like hes sworn off#love so i didnt rly listen bc hes rly extreme w his. love gets in the way of academics. etc#but also his point was valid i think? that you want the person u spend ur life w to elevate you. u want them to challenge you and make you#want to work harder and be better and achieve more and more...and i do want that and i have been trying to be that for them#but A) i can only be that to a reasonable extent for them before it starts being like nagging/being pushy and#B) i feel like if they end up going the way they are rn they can never be that for me. is that bad#like am i a horrible person for thinking this way. obviously i am not casting a moral judgement on her or anyone#for whatever path in life they choose to go down but also is it like...Silly to give up on a perfectly good#relationship bc ur like. as it stands i do not see you walking alongside me in 10 yrs etc#like im lich rally 20 . but what if it DOES end up going rly well and it DOES end up being thr case that we end up staying together#and then im like. feeling discouraged bc my partner in life is just not the kind of person i imagined being w when i was 19 or 20...#like in terms of careers etc. more importantly is this a discussion i should have w her . bc i literally do not know how to raise this#without sounding like a dick but is that bc i...am being a dick? is this a bad thing ?? is this thought not that of a good person ?#it sounds so WEIRD to be like hey babe either u have to start being more ambitious and insane abt ur art or i might break up w you. like :/
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#been thinking about genetics and nature vs nurture and all this sort of stuff a lot lately#and just contemplating why people are the way they are and how much is sort of hardwired vs learned etc.#anyway I'm definitely wayyyy more like my dad than my mom and i think i have actually learned to become sort of the ideal companion#for people like my mom#because my mom is the harder to please and stronger personality in the household who is way more obviously emotional and sensitive#and i empathized with her automatically in a sort of female solidarity way as the household is all boys otherwise#but anyway i know im just naturally like my dad in disposition and humour and looks and everything else but i also know i probably studied#how he handles my mom and her outbursts and insecurities and learned to react to it similarly to him as well#she's a very odd mix of one of the most empathetic kindest people you'll ever meet and also incredibly critical and sensitive to criticism#and she barely ever will tell you you did a good job at anything and will point out mostly only the bad stuff or flaws in whatever you do#yet also HATES that her own mom is exactly the same way and was traumatized by that growing up herself#i honestly 100% believe her mom (my grandma) is undiagnosed autistic and simply doesnt even realize how she comes off but it really#affected my mom growing up and now she is constantly on alert for anything that could possibly be a critique of her and will throw you#under the bus instead if you ever say something even remotely close to negative about her or arent extremely thoughtful about showing up#to the multiple events she hosts every single week#anyway the way my dad usually reacts is just being extremely quiet and steady and dry humoured in reaction to this and when she starts#critiquing him and bringing up all his past failures as a way of making herself feel better about her own bad self esteem he kind of just#takes it and doesnt take it personally because he knows shes doing it for low self esteem reasons#even though its not really fair to him and she would absolutely hate anybody doing the same to her#when i think of my dad's gentle quietness and humour and how much he hates being aggressive or critical i think of when we played a#board game called qwelf once and in the game he was made to act like a drill sergeant and scold and yell at all of us as we moved#our pieces around the board and the best he could do was to mutter stuff like 'get your buns in gear there soldier!'#it makes me lol to remember it my god he simply can't it's the most unnatural thing for him in the world#anyway i always wonder how much of my similarities to him are just genes and how much are learning from him#by watching and admiring and mimicking#because having nieces shows me that kids are absolutely little sponges who try to do everything they see you doing without even knowing#if it's a good thing to be mimicking or not and that can be a bit of a terrifying responsibility as the adult#i am glad i learned good coping mechanisms from dad and how to handle unfair criticism and lack of praise in stride as well but#something i had to teach myself as an adult was how to have healthy boundaries and be assertive when i feel like im being treated poorly#because my parents are both huge people pleasers who struggle with it themselves
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.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :
#miranda talking shit#I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah#Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much#Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ...#The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break#... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me#Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ...#I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah...#I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot'#Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude.#I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game#And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i#Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to#Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially...#I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but...#I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides#I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop#Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3#Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time#So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time
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Today in sociology we did an assignment where we had to read through statistics about marriage, reasons why people get married, divorce rates, views on how certain couples influence children, etc. and then we had questions at the end that had more to do with how *we* felt about marriage and what we thought about the other things brought up in the article and when I tell you it lowkey physically hurt to write out how I didn’t really care for marriage. good god
#it’s like i DO care for it but the people who i want to marry aren’t real so like ???#i think of me having a traditional wedding with anyone else and physically retch i’m sorry#there was a straight week where i couldn’t stop thinking about getting married to my f/os or how we would set that up considering#body sharing or whatever#y’all are lucky my brain was so rotted that i never posted anything about it#btw. expensive. very expensive#marriage in general is just… woof. even elopement costs money?? did not know that#anyway uhhhhh yeah that was. an assignment. definitely#had to write it multiple times and each time it was a stab at my heart u_u#but like i want to reinstate the fact that i did not care whatsoever for marriage before my current f/os#i looked at it and just saw it as more of a hassle than anything#but now it’s just. somehow different#i’m really not good at articulating my thoughts or how exactly i feel over it but#i dunno. i care more about the idea now than i did with past f/os#current f/os are different etc etc but i love them and maybe sometimes i do think about getting married to them#putting that on hold right now of course because i have a lot of things to worry about before then but#it’s just… getting to build a home with them i guess?? a safe place for all of us??#obviously their lives have been much harder than mine and i want to support and be there for them#and i want them there for me too. i guess that is what changed my views towards marriage#but only specifically for them apparently lol#i dunno. i’m just happy i feel this way over them :)#quartzshipping
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#*youtuber voice* helllooOOOO my beautiful people it's me!!! im here today with another im bored and on a train and i don't want input#(But Also)#i don't really have anything to say i want to talk about indigo (namjoon's album) and i wanna hear someone talk about the production on it#bc idk much about that but i saw a twt mutual love it and yeah it FEELS good and deep and like you can sort of dig into it#and that's so so cool#also can i just. can we JUST. i love many songs on it but change pt2 is still a bit insane to me in the best way like it's HARSH it's blasé#it's sexy it's heartbreaking. you know???#anyways. such a cool album#as for work today. let me just say: 💀💀💀#it was SO busy bc holidays and the tension is just... my former boss/wife of the former boss is Done with the wife of the new boss and it's#A Lot let me tell you. honestly wife of new boss is just..... she's not cut out for it man and she keeps making off jokes that annoy people#(e.g. haha work harder lol just kidding) (when she often complains when we do have to work hard and she doesn't rly know what to do)#(also nr1 way to piss people off there like do NOT come for their work ethic)#anyways. it ended with the two arguing loudly#im usually just kinda comforting boss nr1 bc idk she likes me i like her and she works so so hard and the way the other one treats her...#also i say comforting i mean awkwardly patting her arm and empathising#also the other woman. you ever have people and their smell just. Upsets you? like her perfume idk.#anyways. im just hobbling on y'know it's all fine im just very tired all the time#what i also wanted to know if anyone's still reading is just how you all are doing what you're excited about how you find indigo#if you've listened etc etc#<3
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The problem with having friends is that I want to hang out all the time and do things for 1 million years but I am also. Tired. And having a job. And having a family that has a bunch of shit going on all the times.
#i dont have the time or energy to talk to people I HAVE LIKE 4 FRIENDS WHY IS THIS HARD#if i dont talk to each of them at least once a week i feel like an asshole but all of them suck at texting#and dont have schedules that match up with mine#LIKE I LOVE YOU GUYS I JUST DONT HAVE THE ENERGY AFTER WORK#and most of them have terrible sleep schedules so if we hang out when i have work the next day i know that I'll end up staying up too late#and then im just more tired the next day and dont have the energy to do anything#plus ive had a bunch of family stuff going on like my sister moving back in and my cousins coming to stay with us etc etc etc#IT SUCKS CAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HALF THE TIME WHEN IM NOT WITH PEOPLE IM NOT DOING ANYTHING I JUST DONT HAVE ANY SPOONS#also all my friends are like “introverts” so when they dont wanna hang out its cause “their social battery is low”-#-but im more extra so why would i be socially tired? why would i be sick of organizing all the hangouts-#-and driving people places and paying for things. <- getting into rant territory#LIKE#can someone else just be like “hey are you free lets hang out” instead of me for once#but then with my one friend who does reach out always wants to discord call for like. HOURS#I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY FOR THAT#and shes the worst when it comes to “im to tired for this but i feel bad saying it” because shes put so much into making sure we keep up#and she doesnt have very many close friends so i feel shitty for not trying harder.#but shes also really tiring to be around because shes mormon still and i have to pretend to be normal and stuff#ughhhhhh#and then like. i know night people talk about how much the world centers around morning people but like#if i have work in the morning im the asshole for not staying up with them till like 1am#I HAVE A JOB I CANT JUST CHOOSE NOT TO SLEEP A BITCH HAS WORK IN THE MORNING#JUST CAUSE I WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO SNORT CAFFEINE TO FUNCTION#ughhhhh#i need a friendgroup so that all my introverts i collect have people to talk to when im too tired#UNFORTUNATELY NONE OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WOULD GET ALONG#or if they would i dont live close enough to introduce them#feralscreaming
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Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl
#Its the trudy ep which is actually the episode that made me keep watching#I love love love this episode.....#Something about how.......... idk.... its a very profound ep that I can't explain and it's a nice cry#This ep kind of shaped my outlook on life especially after finding out about my friend dying#All the regrets and things left unsaid.... I make my peace daily by being really straight up#If I love and care about ppl I tell them... I say they are appreciated and cared for man#I am always thankful for people and I *love* people as a whole#And as long as the people around me intrinsically know that they are loved and cared for and cherished.... like that's it#That's the end game truly#I will never ever be sorry for that. This was THEEEE episode.#There's a lot of nuance behind my feelings best described by revolutionary girl utena#But still. I'm deep enough in my tags bc I'm crying over my s/o but not in a bad way#Fml I am so grateful to him as just an entity. As a person in my life even if our lives only intersect for this brief period of time#He hasn't been texting me much and we didn't talk much at work and I didn't even get a goodbye (rude lol)#But I know he was having a rough day. I know he needs a bit of tlc.#He could be on a downswing because I am certainly on an upswing#So I'm kind of like trying to focus on doing my own thing rn without worrying about it#Because I can't do anything about it so I might as well continue My Thang#But as I sometimes come to terms with us never talking again (gotta be prepared at all times to be ghosted)#I also come back to terms with needing him to really understand#how many people in his life depend on love cherish and admire him#And im not just talking about me... he has a lot of siblings and a not great mom. Two kids he loves.#He has always taken care of everyone else in his life#He deserves to really know and idk. It makes me think of this moment.#Realizing how much I dont ever want to question if he knows#I don't want to question if I could've done more or tried harder etc. I did my very best and didn't lie cheat steal or whatever#I am so grateful to him for letting me have that. Even if nothing can come from it in the end#Even if we should be torn apart!!!! Take my revolution!!!#Anyways. Here's wonderwall#Banger of an episode. Worth the rewatch
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today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me
BUT
anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells
ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it
#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do#i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like#because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try#she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting#and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care#n u know what. frankly dont care that she does#honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it#its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all#like she despite chronic pain etc does so much#while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care#and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad#like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels#idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck#the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma#like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to#and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are#steps i dont even know.#like fck u#anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck#ng thing NOT AT ALL#like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge#her frustating very valid#but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point#like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says
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another thing fantasy writers should keep track of is how much of their worldbuilding is aesthetic-based. it's not unlike the sci-fi hardness scale, which measures how closely a story holds to known, real principles of science. The Martian is extremely hard sci-fi, with nearly every detail being grounded in realistic fact as we know it; Star Trek is extremely soft sci-fi, with a vaguely plausible "space travel and no resource scarcity" premise used as a foundation for the wildest ideas the writers' room could come up with. and much as Star Trek fuckin rules, there's nothing wrong with aesthetic-based fantasy worldbuilding!
(sidenote we're not calling this 'soft fantasy' bc there's already a hard/soft divide in fantasy: hard magic follows consistent rules, like "earthbenders can always and only bend earth", and soft magic follows vague rules that often just ~feel right~, like the Force. this frankly kinda maps, but I'm not talking about just the magic, I'm talking about the worldbuilding as a whole.
actually for the purposes of this post we're calling it grounded vs airy fantasy, bc that's succinct and sounds cool.)
a great example of grounded fantasy is Dungeon Meshi: the dungeon ecosystem is meticulously thought out, the plot is driven by the very realistic need to eat well while adventuring, the story touches on both social and psychological effects of the whole 'no one dies forever down here' situation, the list goes on. the worldbuilding wants to be engaged with on a mechanical level and it rewards that engagement.
deliberately airy fantasy is less common, because in a funny way it's much harder to do. people tend to like explanations. it takes skill to pull off "the world is this way because I said so." Narnia manages: these kids fall into a magic world through the back of a wardrobe, befriend talking beavers who drink tea, get weapons from Santa Claus, dance with Bacchus and his maenads, and sail to the edge of the world, without ever breaking suspension of disbelief. it works because every new thing that happens fits the vibes. it's all just vibes! engaging with the worldbuilding on a mechanical level wouldn't just be futile, it'd be missing the point entirely.
the reason I started off calling this aesthetic-based is that an airy story will usually lean hard on an existing aesthetic, ideally one that's widely known by the target audience. Lewis was drawing on fables, fairy tales, myths, children's stories, and the vague idea of ~medieval europe~ that is to this day our most generic fantasy setting. when a prince falls in love with a fallen star, when there are giants who welcome lost children warmly and fatten them up for the feast, it all fits because these are things we'd expect to find in this story. none of this jars against what we've already seen.
and the point of it is to be wondrous and whimsical, to set the tone for the story Lewis wants to tell. and it does a great job! the airy worldbuilding serves the purposes of the story, and it's no less elegant than Ryōko Kui's elaborately grounded dungeon. neither kind of worldbuilding is better than the other.
however.
you do have to know which one you're doing.
the whole reason I'm writing this is that I saw yet another long, entertaining post dragging GRRM for absolute filth. asoiaf is a fun one because on some axes it's pretty grounded (political fuck-around-and-find-out, rumors spread farther than fact, fastest way to lose a war is to let your people starve, etc), but on others it's entirely airy (some people have magic Just Cause, the various peoples are each based on an aesthetic/stereotype/cliché with no real thought to how they influence each other as neighbors, the super-long seasons have no effect on ecology, etc).
and again! none of this is actually bad! (well ok some of those stereotypes are quite bigoted. but other than that this isn't bad.) there's nothing wrong with the season thing being there to highlight how the nobles are focused on short-sighted wars for power instead of storing up resources for the extremely dangerous and inevitable winter, that's a nice allegory, and the looming threat of many harsh years set the narrative tone. and you can always mix and match airy and grounded worldbuilding – everyone does it, frankly it's a necessity, because sooner or later the answer to every worldbuilding question is "because the author wanted it to be that way." the only completely grounded writing is nonfiction.
the problem is when you pretend that your entirely airy worldbuilding is actually super duper grounded. like, for instance, claiming that your vibes-based depiction of Medieval Europe (Gritty Edition) is completely historical, and then never even showing anyone spinning. or sniffing dismissively at Tolkien for not detailing Aragorn's tax policy, and then never addressing how a pre-industrial grain-based agricultural society is going years without harvesting any crops. (stored grain goes bad! you can't even mouse-proof your silos, how are you going to deal with mold?) and the list goes on.
the man went up on national television and invited us to engage with his worldbuilding mechanically, and then if you actually do that, it shatters like spun sugar under the pressure. doesn't he realize that's not the part of the story that's load-bearing! he should've directed our focus to the political machinations and extensive trope deconstruction, not the handwavey bit.
point is, as a fantasy writer there will always be some amount of your worldbuilding that boils down to 'because I said so,' and there's nothing wrong with that. nor is there anything wrong with making that your whole thing – airy worldbuilding can be beautiful and inspiring. but you have to be aware of what you're doing, because if you ask your readers to engage with the worldbuilding in gritty mechanical detail, you had better have some actual mechanics to show them.
#finx rambles#worldbuilding#for writers#honestly I quite liked the asoiaf books I read#it's a well-constructed story! it's a well-constructed world too on its own merits#none of this stuff about grain and spinning is actually important to the story#the problem is that grrm himself seems to just. not realize this#and goes about blithely insisting he's created an extraordinarily realistic fantasy world where all the tax policies make sense#he has not!#he has invited people to tear his creation apart if they can and! it turns out! they absolutely can!#this shit's got no tensile strength! it's made of glue and popsicle sticks!#you're not supposed to put weight on it
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