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imspardagus · 2 years

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Of Impotence and Influence

This piece contains some personal and explicit description. You have been warned.

In July of 2022 I underwent a “procedure” to remove four (yes, four) golf-ball sized stones from my bladder. The operation, which I gather was carried out by laser sent along a route that I will leave to your imagination, appears to have been, in its own narrow terms, a complete success. Which is to say simply that my bladder no longer provides a home for the stones.

And five months down the line, I now have a tolerably normal bladder capacity and, for a seventy-one year old, pretty good bladder control.

But that’s not how my recovery started. I was released from hospital the day after my operation, having appeared capable of passing urine unaided. But within four days I was back in hospital having a litre and a half of backed up urine drained from my bladder where it had become trapped by a swollen prostate. Apparently (though this is not accepted by one doctor who was not party to the process) the prostate, already slightly enlarged, did not take kindly to the probing going on during the procedure and had swollen in protest, clamping shut the exit from the bladder.

The hospital to which I was readmitted – not the one which had carried out the procedure, but 10 miles down the road and therefore, thanks to the political meddling with the NHS, bereft of access to my medical records - fitted me up with a catheter and put me on a course of Tamsulosin, which, they claimed would “shrink the prostate”. When my original consultant phoned me a month later to check on my progress, having, for the same reason, no awareness of the emergency that had befallen me, she was appalled to learn that this was the only medication I had been provided with. Tamsulosin, apparently, will “relax the bladder” but it takes another drug – Finasteride – to shrink the prostate. So she kindly prescribed the second drug along with a warning that if my prostate wasn’t showing the proper level of accommodation in 6 months, it might have to be dealt with by surgery.

I didn’t really want that because, short of removing the prostate altogether, it seemed to me that interfering with it was a pretty good way of triggering the most prevalent form of male cancer, one which had led ultimately to my father’s demise. So I went along with the medication.

And sure enough, within a month, I was catheter free and enjoying pretty much normal relations with my bladder. But…

Yes, but.

Within days of starting on my new medication my mood plummeted. I became listless and hopeless. I didn’t notice it at first, being prone to bouts of depression anyway. Then I found myself wondering why I couldn’t motivate myself except to little flares of stupid rage over trivial incidents (trivial such as banging my elbow on the doorpost). I tried to rationalise that it was the residual effects of the procedure and anaesthetic but that was now 6 weeks ago. So I did what doctors hate you doing. I googled my drugs. And there it was: both Tamsulosin and Finasteride were known to be capable of inducing depression and even suicidal thoughts. I was taking not one but two drugs each known to be capable of inducing depression.

With hindsight I can sort of forgive my consultant for not thinking about this. Medicine has become such a siloed, and pressurised, pursuit that a consultant in urology might skip over the mood affecting side effects of a drug that would obviously have the desired effect on the organs on which her skills were professionally focused. But at the time it made me angry. It was there in my NHS records: years and years of battling with depression and anxiety. Why had she not at least warned me, or considered the alternatives?

But at least I now knew what had on this occasion triggered my depression. That helped to a degree, and I managed to confirm with the consultant that there was no clash between Tamsulosin, Finasteride and anti-depressant medication. But then I remembered that the blood pressure medication that I had been put on after my mini-stroke at the beginning of the year warned against the use of anti-depressants, including, in a rare tacit acknowledgement by UK medicine that it had any value at all, St John’s Wort. This was the one chemical treatment that I had come to rely on having, after years of trying, had to reject all the other SSRIs as worse than the condition itself.

Again, I thought, where was the joined up thinking here? Even if my consultant had not paused to check my very recent medical history – a history that had in fact delayed the procedure for the removal of the bladder stones for 6 months – surely my GP should have been paying attention? Foolish thought.

Eventually the “sod it” factor kicked in and I decided to try a short course of St J. Within days, my mood lifted, only, it is true, to slump when I stopped but at least I knew now that I had a friend to hand.

But that, sadly, is only by way of a prelude to what was to come. And to get there I need to step back in time.

The graphic part starts now.

What follows, by the way, is not another criticism of the medical profession but more a study in the capacity of the human mind to behave perversely – I might almost venture irrationally, at the risk of annoying Steven Pinker. And why not?

I have written elsewhere of my being celebate. The distance in time between me and my last sexual experience with another human being is now in excess of 25 years. It has not been of my choosing in the most direct of senses. I was frozen out of the intimate relationship that I had and have spent the past quarter of a century too convinced of my own inadequacy, and too scared to put it to the test, even to seek to embark on such a course. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. As if I was being tempted by devils, I encountered many a person in that time whose mere presence initiated waves of very basic desires in me, desires that I sublimated with sad and apologetic fantasies in the quietness of my own space while doing everything that I could to keep my feelings under wraps and out of human view.

And I succeeded – in being celebate, if you can count that as success. No humans were harmed in the making of this story. Except me.

But here’s the beginning of the irrationality: as time went by I became more and more angry with my penis for not allowing me to rest in peace. That is how it seemed. It was like having a device attached to me that would not get the message that I did not want to be troubled by lust so kept triggering every time I came near anyone its sensors reported as worthy of attention. Rather like a rogue carbon monoxide detector that keeps shrieking in the dead of night. It drove me to distraction. It appropriated my nights and its memory tortured my days. There were times when I longed to be rid of this tiresome and insatiable pipe. Times when I thought of it as an enemy that I would have gladly seen exiled. Times when I wanted rid of it once and for all. Times when I craved the peace that passes all understanding, death, just to have an end to its whinings and insistings.

But then the Tamsulosin and the Finasteride kicked in. At first I didn’t really notice because there is nothing like wearing a catheter day in day out to kick your interest in sex into touch. But then, as I weaned myself off the catheters, I realised that there had been an awful change. The combination of the drugs had taken my libido over a cliff edge and seen it plunge. But there was more to come. The notes that came with the drugs warned that I might suffer erectile dysfunction and their prophecy came good.

And this is when irrationality made its big play. You might have thought I would have welcomed the release from the compulsion to feed my sense of inadequacy but instead, being, I suppose, human, I viewed it with a mounting horror of loss that felt like grief. And, being human, I allowed it to niggle away at me, trying to kickstart my poor flaccid member into firmness. It was like picking up a dead bird and hoping that the warmth of my hand would restore it to life.

But my efforts were rewarded only with chafing and eventually with a brief clenching and a later dribble of a clear viscosity that resembled nothing like my expectations.

Be careful what you wish for, they say. I found myself mourning the loss of a potential that only weeks earlier I would have given the earth to be rid of.

And today I learned that, for as long as I am on Tamsulosin and Finasteride this will be my fate. And the only possibility of redemption will be to give them up, with the almost inevitable outcome that my prostate strangles the exit from my bladder and prevents me from urinating. It is no contest. I simply have to reconcile myself to being sexless. That may take some time. And meanwhile, the river of depression that these drugs brought to the walls of my house, and that my new condition opened the door to, is lapping around my feet.

Which brings me, after a fashion, to the second part of this piece of self-indulgence. For in the last couple of weeks, the world has had to suffer two very stupid males using their privileged positions to promote the most vile misogyny. One, of course, was the thickos’ champion, Jeremy Clarkson who uses his undoubted intelligence and writing ability to coin a dishonest fortune in the gutter press spouting inanities to the delight of an audience that should give any believer in universal suffrage pause. The other is, apparently, one of those thickos, Andrew Tate.

Andrew Tate appears to be a worthless creep. But in keeping with the times, he has made himself a rich worthless creep. He has done this by giving up a career as a “kickboxer”, which sounds horribly like a breed of dog with a squashed face inbred for the purpose of being mistreated by its owner, to become what is now known as an “influencer”.

I hate the word “influencer”. I hate it because it is a self-confirming nonsense and because those who engage in it appear to be parasitical on the worst aspects of human nature. I believe the word “trivialiser” would have more merit as a descriptor, or possibly “wastrel”. Maybe “gaslighter”. They are the human embodiment of the plague-virus, consumerism, that has brought the World to its knees in pursuit of its predator-performers’ selfish greed. But no doubt I will be accused of the politics of envy for daring to say so.

But Andrew Tate, though, what a nasty piece of work he appears to be, even among “influencers”. He is, by all accounts a man, though the pictures that I have seen of him offer a face that would not look out of place on an inflatable sex toy: small cranium fading down into weak eyes and from there to a rather feminine mouth with over-prominent lips. Apparently this is attractive to a certain kind of woman, though, of course it may be the size of his wallet that is the deciding factor. Only time will tell.

It can’t be his views, though, because Andy is one of those sad “males” who have conveniently convinced themselves that men are gods and women are there to please and support them, in the particular respect of providing a repository for their masturbatory urges. What I have heard and read of his views gives me no reason to believe that he recognises his, and women’s, place as equal partners in the business of being human.

And that is particularly jarring for me in my present condition. I learned a long time ago the frankly indisputable truth that woman were entitled to respect and regard that transcended their mere ability to satisfy the reflexive, hormone induced, twitchings of male genitals. I suppose these days such a consideration might be challenged as “woke” by those mentally challenged and desperately insecure individuals who choose to see that word as a pejorative. But I learned it first from my mother some 70 years ago and have only found confirmation in all my travels since. Women were not “put on this earth to serve men” any more than men were put here to serve women. We have a common purpose to survive and protect the world for those who succeed us. And that requires us to learn moderation and to control our most basic, and selfish, drives.

Here I am trying to come to terms with the drug-induced loss of sexual function. And there are the likes of Andy and his sad incel followers instead trying to appease their pricks by placing the burden of fulfilling their stupid urges and lazy inadequacies on women, and blaming them when they decline the challenge.

And somewhere in here, my physical impotence transforms into its psychological counterpart and releases only an empty, unedifying anger at my inability to exert any influence over the stupid adulation that Tate attracts. My anger seems only to be a weak and insubstantial reflection of Tate’s ugly and mercenary faux-rage against the world’s failure to give him what he thinks he is entitled to.

I could, I suppose, throw in my lot with Andy and become a true blue misogynist who sees a woman’s place as simply the vessel for his sad sticky ego. But actually the only thing his views have firmed up in me is the belief that my mother was right. We men owe women a duty of recognition; of worth, of respect and of consideration, and if we have a problem with that, it is our problem.

#tate #incels #misogyny #maleness

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the-starless-sky · 5 years

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A Day Off of Loitering and Investigation

A translation of the first chapter of Jujutsu Kaisen’s first light novel “Departing Summer and Returning Autumn” by Akutami Gege and Kitakuni Balad.

A Day Off of Loitering and Investigation

If we are talking about the few “definite things” in this modern day and age, there are only three at best.

That Mito Koumon[1] will win.

That Sazae-san[2] will air on Sunday.

And lastly, that Kugisaki Nobara’s shopping will drag on for a long time.

Because of that, when Kugisaki said, “I want to go see Ame-yoko[3],” Fushiguro had prepared himself for the outing that will surely take a long time. It would probably take around same time as when Gojou suddenly shows up on a Sunday morning and suddenly said, “Megumi, let’s go to Parque Espana[4],”.

What’s out of his prediction was that Itadori wasn’t too keen on going.

He had thought that a television-person like Itadori would show interest in famous spots like Ame-yoko, but he said:

“No, I have some place else I want to go.”

“Oh, that so. Then let’s meet up after.”

And then they all readily move on their own afterwards.

For Fushiguro who had accepted the natural fact that he would get stuck in the middle of Itadori and Kugisaki’s noisiness, it was as surprising as the fact that corbel pieces actually don’t contain that much iron.

Of course, Fushiguro also thought to make use of the situation and move alone.

He’d go home quickly - after all, he wanted to read the continuation of the book he’d bought the other day, and he also wanted to arrange his table’s drawer and his closet.

Even so, Fushiguro is a fundamentally earnest person.

A concern like: “is it alright to let Itadori, Sukuna’s host be?” kept crossing his mind no matter what.

When we’re talking about the area around Ueno and Okachimachi[5], it is a town filled with life and history.

In the hustle-bustle from the post-war market town that continued until modern day, strange ghost stories run rampant and there lies a possibility that not yet active curses are concealing themselves somewhere.

Moreover, it’s Itadori, a person whom if you let go from your sight will suddenly buy a shitty sunglasses, and who had said Tachikawa’s[6] “essentially Shinjuku”.

If Itadori, by chance, got lost and strayed until Chiyoda Ward[7], he’d just think of it as a lucky spot, and take Instagram-able photos in Masakadozuka[8].

That’s the reason why Fushiguro chose to move with Itadori, but... truth to be told, he’s very much regretting it.

“So like, Fushiguro, if you don’t have any interest in Akiba[9], why are you even coming after me?”

“Shut up, don’t think about it.”

“’Kay. I really want to go through all of Akiba at once, y’know.”

“Do you have anything you want to buy? There’s probably nothing but manga, games, and electronics there.”

“Eh, sight-seeing. Shibuya or Shinjuku is also okay, but the Akiba I saw on TV has this otherworldly feeling to it... or, more like, it gave off a theme-park kinda feel?”

“Is it?”

If you live within the metropolitan area, you probably wont feel it, but in truth Akihabara is a strange city.

The atmosphere outside the station is particularly unique. It’s filled with anime culture to the brim as a matter of course, but in any case the amount of information from the advertisements are nasty.

The overflowing signboards with smiling game characters gave the town a theme park-y impression.

If you were to give another example, then it’s the cosplayers that sometimes mix in with the tight crowd. Maids devoting themselves to attracting customers and handing out flyers. And when you think a rare foreign car is going through the streets, for some reason a giant robot’s large scale model is being transported by a truck.

Is it possible to suppress Itadori’s curiosity in such a town? Impossible.

“Darn, Fushiguro. The game centers are lining up like convenient stores.”

“That’s ‘cause it’s Akiba.”

“Darn, Fushiguro. The maid-sans kept coming enthusiastically.”

“That’s ‘cause it’s Akiba.”

“Whoa! Fushiguro! Is that an ecchi game? Isn’t that a billboard for an ecchi game? Uwaah, is it okay, that kind of huge billboard... Oh no, I’m still a minor, will I get scolded?”

“Shut up!”

It’s a fundamentally noisy city, but for Fushiguro, Itadori’s three times noisier.

There’s still a few hours until the meet up with Kugisaki.

If he thought about that, Fushiguro’s head ached. Unknowing of Fushiguro’s feelings, Itadori was nonchalant, without a care in the world.

“I’m glad Fushiguro’s with me. This area’s so messy I’d get lost.

”It’s better than Shinjuku.”

“Don’t force that Tokyo-sense on me. Vending machines where you can use electronic money on every door, Pepper-kun[10] in front of shops, a city on this level’s only Tokyo, you know?”

“No, there really aren’t that much Pepper-kun.”

“In Sendai, you can only see it in ‘Man-made Onsen, Toposu’[11], you know.”

“Don’t pull out local shop names like it’s natural. Where the hell’s that?”

“In super sentou[12].”

“Pepper-kun being in super sentou feels more culturally advanced, ain’t it.”

“Well, well, well, anyways, rather than alone, being together with someone who’s knowledgeable about the area’s definitely more reassuring. I’m still not good with subways even now, after all.”

“There shouldn’t be anyone getting lost around the Yamanote-sen[13].”

“Aah, there it is, the Tokyoite-sense. Naturally coming out like that.”

“In reality, you don’t get lost that much anyways, do you. ‘Cause you went here and there day after day.”

“Ah, Fushiguro. Let’s eat kebab, kebab.”

“Continue the conversation, damn it.”

Fushiguro had felt that Itadori and Gojou’s rhythm are quite similar, but now that he’s by himself talking with only Itadori, that feeling only grew stronger.

After all, conversational catch-ball with Itadori is, at most, on the level of dodge ball. For Gojou, it’s more on the level of hitting-only golf, or a batting center[14].

Come to think of it, today he hasn’t seen Gojou in the dorms nor school. It’s up to him where he wanted to be during his day-off, but now that Fushiguro thought about it, Gojou really is a mystery.

As he thought such things, he let Itadori’s words in through his right ear and out through his left, going into his “gloss over” mode.

After all, it’s on almost the same frequency as the city’s noise, so if he’d just turn off his awareness he could just process it as part of the background, environment noise.

If he were to respond one by one, he’d just get tired. Nobody would tell him off even if he put his brain in energy-conserving mode, anyways.

By the way, speaking from the results, this action of his would end up making his anxiety worsen.

“...Ha?”

When he came to, Itadori was gone.

Fushiguro hurriedly turned his head, and he barely saw someone with red highlight on their hair going into the depths of a game center.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Playing a game. Ah, are you talking about the title?”

“No way in hell, you special grade idiot.”

After climbing to the fourth floor of the thin and vertically long building of the game center, Fushiguro finally found Itadori.

In the fighting game corner, going in deeper. Away from the areas where people who seemed super serious about gaming gathers, in the retro game corner where one credit to play starts from 50 yen, there he was, that Itadori.

Moreover, he’s sitting in front of an especially boring looking game machine.

As he pouted, he explained how he got there to Fushiguro.

“I mean, you know, it’s not realistic wasting hours of time just walking around outside, right. There are a lot of game centers, so I thought, why not.”

“At least say something before steering away to the side.”

“I did.”

“...”

As Fushiguro’s the one who had glossed over Itadori’s conversations, while feeling a little bit awkward he changed the subject.

“By the way, what’s this game?”

“No matter how you see it, it’s ‘Battle Corporation Warrior, Business Fighter’ isn’t it.”

“I won’t know it’s ‘Battle Corporation Warrior, Business Fighter’ no matter how I see it.”

“It’s also my first time seeing it so I’m not really sure, too.”

The game Itadori chose looked extraordinarily boring it’s miraculous.

It seemed like a fighting game, but the characters are mostly old men who looked like company employees, and everyone uses business suits properly that it’s hard to differentiate who’s who.

Even if it only costs 50 yen, Itadori’s resolution to spend money on this game is an amazing thing. Well, if he’s like this then guess he would eat Sukuna’s fingers, imprudently Fushiguro thought.

Without caring about such Fushiguro, Itadori seem to be running as usual.

He’s even looking for a competition.

“On the contrary, I’ll just ask you: you’re not going to play, Fushiguro? It’s a fighting game machine.”

“I don’t want to pay money for that kind of game.”

Even so, a fighting game machine is supposed to be played by fighting another person.

Moreover, to play an already-boring looking game like this alone just feels empty. No matter how much Fushiguro didn’t want to play, Itadori wanted to at least fight with him.

“What the heck, you’re running away? By the way, don’t tell me you’re actually bad at games, Fushiguro? You don’t have any confidence that you could win against me?”

“It’s not confidence I don’t have, it’s the will to play.”

“If you run away here it’d be treated as a loss by default, you know! Are you okay with that!?”

“Do what you like.”

“No, really, please! Then I’ll even pay for your share!”

“Are you serious? ...Sheesh.”

Losing to Itadori’s persistence, who’d even start to talk about paying - or, actually, Fushiguro just don’t want to see Itadori begging like that, so in the end he put in his own money and sat in front of the machine directly opposite to Itadori’s.

No matter what, a fighting game’s of course funner to play with two people.

As he felt deeply grateful for Fushiguro who’d finally relented, Itadori cheerfully started choosing his character.

“Then, I’ll go with ‘Company President Yamada’.”

“...Then I’ll go for ‘Chief Clerk Oosaki’.”

“What, youre going with him, the initial cursor character? Well, I guess he’d be easy to use, so it should fit a beginner like Fushiguro.”

“Didn’t you just say you’ve only seen this game for the first time?”

“Actually, before you got here, I managed to get to the third stage of the arcade mode.”

Anyways, finally the battle starts between the two of them.

“Eat this! The sure-win tactics I devised in fifteen minutes!”

“That’s a hell of a short training.”

Immediately after the battle starts, Itadori used the easy command, ‘Business Card Shuriken’ repeatedly.

The Chief Clerk Oosaki that Fushiguro controlled jumped up to dodge Yamada’s shurikens that comes in an equal intervals, surely approaching the latter. When one thought he’d turn to a strong kick after jumping in, he actually threw Yamada and forced him to the side, as he viciously beat the latter.

“Eh? Huh? Wait, wait, Fushiguro. Isn’t that a a command technique? That’s a command technique, right!?”

“...”

Small punch, small punch, medium kick, medium kick, and to top it off Fushiguro used the ‘overtime gauge’ he managed to fill with the hits, triggering a super special lethal move, ‘Overtime Rage Fist’.

Fushiguro scored a brilliant victory.

“What the hell!? ...Eh, Fushiguro, how could you use special moves? You’re good at this game?”

“No, the command chart is there above the screen.”

“So you’re cheating!”

“You’re actually not that good at games, aren’t you?”

“No, even I could win if I used commands! One more, one more!”

“The heck, this idiot actually put in multiple coins…”

Itadori who had battled it out with Fushiguro for around an hour, still lost in the end.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

They both go down until the first floor’s UFO Catcher corner and bought a cola from the vending machine, engulfed by a sense of emptiness.

The feeling of aftershock left after the heat and enthusiasm cools down look very visible on their faces.

“Aah... why did I even spend 1000 yen on that shitty game...”

Fushiguro looked at Itadori, who’s currently hanging his head, with eyes that look like they’re looking at an idiot.

“If you’re satisfied already, we’re going out. You can kill time in game centers, but they eat your money.”

“That’s true... ah!”

“What? Just because you found another shitty game, I’m not going to play with you anymore.”

“No, that’s not it, Fushiguro, look, look at that!”

Fushiguro reluctantly looked at the direction Itadori pointed with narrowed eyes.

And then, his eyes widened in surprise.

“...Gojou-sensei?”

“Right?”

Truly, on the other end of the two’s sight is Gojou Satoru.

Rather, the only person who would walk inside a dim-lighted game center wearing an all-black clothes with a black blindfold can’t be anyone other than Gojou Satoru - it’s hard to think of anyone else.

“Eh... wait, Fushiguro, what’s Gojou-sensei doing?”

“Isn’t that an UFO Catcher? The ones where you could get snacks from.”

“Why? Is there a person who wanted to eat snacks so much they’d go to a game center alone and play an UFO Catcher by themselves?”

“Don’t ask me, how the hell should I know?”

“Ah, and he’s even giving up!”

“That’s fast.”

As Gojou pouted in discontent, he walked towards the game center exit with swaying steps.

Well, it was a hard to understand action, but perhaps it’s normal coming from a hard to understand person. Fushiguro decided to stop thinking too deeply.

But Itadori just couldn’t do the same.

“Okay, let’s follow him.”

“How’d it come to that?”

Itadori started to follow Gojou who had exited the game center. Fushiguro immediately drank his leftover cola, threw it in the trash can, and followed afterwards.

“I mean, don’t he look like he’s on his off mode? I feel like I don’t know what he’s up to when he’s in holidays or when he’s free.”

“And?”

“Of course we’re going to tail him.”

“Don’t say that so naturally.”

“I mean, in reality, don’t you feel curious, too? Surprisingly I feel like I don’t know Gojou-sensei that well. Of course, if you don’t feel like coming then you can just wait.”

“...”

In any case, despite all the conflicts the two had, they finally decided to tail Gojou together.

Gojou is a dependable teacher and a shaman they respected, for sure.

However, from the eyes of Gojou’s students, his frivolous personality, busyness, appearing in unexpected places at unexpected time, personal history, thoughts, and range of behavior, all point out to him being a man full of mystery. The figure of him nonchalantly walking around town was something you don’t see everyday.

In sum, Fushiguro decided to follow his curiosity.

He’s probably also very mentally exhausted from playing a shitty game with Itadori.

In any case, the two of them started to search for the figure of Gojou they had lost sight of.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

Gojou was, surprisingly, easily found.

“Fushiguro, isn’t that Gojou-sensei?”

“...You’re right.”

The next thing they sighted was Gojou, walking around as he ate crepes.

Looking from the package, it’s from the rather famous crepe shop looking out the main street.

It’s one of those extra ones with cream, tiramisu, macaron, and even chocolate spray.

There it was, the figure of a 190 cm adult walking around as he ate crepes that look like the dreams of all children.

“That’s amazing, Fushiguro. It’s not something you can just do when you feel like doing it.”

“No, you won’t even think of doing it in the first place.”

“Is it some kind of a sorcery training?”

“If you can get stronger by doing that, everyone’s gonna just do it.”

As they keep a steady distance, the two of them tailed the adult chewing on crepes.

Even in the city full of wonders, Akihabara, the sight still look quite out of place.

After he finished eating the crepes, Gojou stopped still in front of a rather old looking store.

“...Vacuum tube specialty store.”

Fushiguro looked at the sign Itadori read with a dubious expression.

After thinking for a while, Gojou stepped into the jumbled-up looking shop.

“He went into a really maniac shop, didn’t he.”

A dubious-looking Fushiguro. On the other hand, Itadori tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“By the way, what is a vacuum tube? I’ve heard that name before, though.”

“It’s an electronic component. The ones you use in old radio or audio player.”

“Is Gojou-sensei an audio maniac?”

“No, he looked like someone who’d just use YouTube to listen to music, don’t he.”

“Aah, yeah, he does have that kind of image.”

As they spoke to each other, Gojou came out of the shore with a paper bag. It seems like he’d bought something.

“Oh no, we’re going to lose him!”

Itadori went after Gojou who had turned into an alley, and Fushiguro followed suit.

They were a little late and lost him for a while, but one minute hadn’t passed and they’ve already found the tall man clad in black in the middle of the crowd.

“There he is, Fushiguro. As expected, Gojou-sensei stand out a lot. He’s huge, after all.”

“He’s around 2 meters, after all.”

“He look like he’s really strong at basketball, don’t he?”

“I can’t imagine him playing basketball at all, though.”

“Relatable.”

As the two came into an agreement, they followed after Gojou’s steps.

Tailing someone while keeping a steady distance in Akihabara’s complicated streets is quite a hard labor.

Because he’s tall, Gojou’s steps are wide and he walks fast, it feels like you’re going to lose him when he drift into the crowd.

Next, Gojou went to a second hand audio shop and rummaged through the paper-jacketed analog recordings.

“Earlier you said some things, but don’t you think he’s actually an audio mania, Fushiguro?”

“No, I’m sure he’s not.”

“But he’s looking at Bach’s recordings!”

“Does he look like he has any interest in classical music? That person?”

“No, he look like he’d listen to alternative rock.”

“See? It’s definitely weird.”

For a while, Gojou rummaged through the recordings exhibited on a wagon, and after buying an old movie’s BGM collection long play record, he left the store.

As they tailed him, Fushiguro became more and more suspicious.

Fushiguro thought that perhaps it’s just them that had different images of Gojou and he’s actually a person with vintage hobbies in his private life, but soon he rethought and ended up with: “Nah, no way.”

After walking a bit unsteadily for a while, Gojou stopped in front of a store with a yellow signboard.

“Fushiguro, what’s that shop?”

“...Capsule toy. It’s the so-called gachapon[15] specialty store.”

“What? A gachapon specialty store? They exists?”

“They exist, that’s why it’s Akiba.”

“That so? Ah, sensei’s pulling a gacha.”

“I really don’t want to see the sight of a teacher I know rolling a 500 yen gacha. ...What kinda gacha is that?”

“Mushroom keychains, right? The real ones.”

“If he’s going to spend 500 yen anyway, couldn’t he just go to a supermarket and buy one?”

“You really don’t understand, huh, Fushiguro. It’s good because you can’t be sure of what you’ll get.”

“I don’t want to understand that in my life time.”

“Ah, sensei’s opening the capsule, I wonder what he got?”

“Looking at the lineup, isn’t it a poisonous mushroom? He looks really frustrated, after all.”

“Buhahahahaha, I guess you can’t eat that!!”

“No, you can’t eat mushrooms that come out of a capsule toy no matter what it is.”

Gojou unwillingly put the keychain in his pocket, and continued to loiter around.

When you thought he went to a computer store just to hold a mouse, he moved into an electronic store and tried on an electronic massager on his shoulder.

And when you thought he’d vanished, he’s suddenly inside a book store, free-reading a manga, and moved into a sideway to look at old games on wagon sale. He moved around according to his interests, wherever he wanted to go.

“...It doesn’t look like he has a specific purpose in mind.”

“Seems so.”

Itadori, now suddenly wearing a strength-measuring goggles toy, replied to Fushiguro’s muttering.

“Where the hell did you buy that?”

“In some second hand shop. I thought Gojou-sensei would be interested since he reads manga, too.”

“You’re really light on your wallet, aren’t you.”

“A man is a creature that uses their money when they think it’s the right time.”

“Was that shitty game earlier also ‘the right time’?”

“Ah, Gojou-sensei went inside a building. No, that’s wrong, I meant his ‘energy’ went inside the building!”

“You don’t have to correct yourself.”

“Oh no, we’re going to lose him. We’re following him, Fushiguro!”

“No, wait.”

“Gueh!”

As Itadori was about to step into the building, Fushiguro pulled his parka’s hood to stop him. It’s a very dangerous act, so don’t imitate him.

“You wanna kill me or something!? What’s wrong, we’re already this far in and you want to stop tailing him halfway?”

“You... don’t you see the building’s signboard?”

“Eh? ...... Eh!?”

Itadori looked up as he was told.

Reading the signboard written in a pop font, his expression turned into that of a flustered one.

――Angel Maid Cafe, “SHOW WARU☆Cupid”[16]

The rather maniac cafe located in the second floor of the building.

No, it’s not like it’s an indecent store or something. It’s an ordinary cafe with maids serving the customers, that’s all.

Even so, for normal people, it’s the kind of shop that needs a lot of courage to go in to. It’s even worse for boys in their puberty.

“...... As expected this place’s a bit... no, even for Gojou-sensei’s level, this kind of place is really surprising.”

“Hey, his aim is probably this.”

The thing Fushiguro pointed towards was a poster on the wall. It advertised something like: “Authentic French technique! Exquisite pancakes that makes even patissiers groan!”

Indeed, that could be it, Itadori also nodded in agreement.

“This is definitely his aim, for sure. How much sweets is he planning to eat, anyways?”

“When he’s busy, Gojou-sensei tend to eat more sweets like these, after all...”

“Alright, now that the mystery’s solved, let’s stop tailing him. I mean, it’s embarrassing having to go in to a place like this.”

“That’s a clever decision for you.”

“――Welcome, Masters!”

“Eh?”

A cheerful voice filled with business enthusiasm jumped out from behind them.

It was a veteran maid who had thought of them as - and admittedly they do look the part - ‘customers who are hesitating whether or not to come in to the cafe’ called them out, looking to make them the cafe’s source of income.

That’s right. Neither Itadori’s genius physical senses nor Fushiguro’s polished curse presence-sensing abilities could catch on the maid’s presence.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

‘Did I do something bad in my past life?’, Fushiguro thought.

While looking on in blank surprise, he was pulled into the maid cafe together with Itadori.

As they were brought in, they were made to wear angel wings and halo made of plastic and wire, said to ‘let them feel heaven when they’re here’. Both his outside appearance and his mental condition is dead.

On the other hand...

“For first-time customers, we recommend the Precious Set - Mellow-mellow A~” [17]

“Eh... I see. Well, I guess for the first time it’s better to just leave it up to the staff. We’ll get two of the Precious Sets. With extra melancholy.”

“Understood, Mastereincarnation☆”[18]

“Eh, what’s with that cool sounding word. Is it German?”

“It’s English☆”

“So it’s English!”

Just like that, Itadori’s already talking normally with the maid.

Naturally cheerful people... or, more like, those with party-people tendencies, and people with positive, bright vibes usually do well in places like this.

On the other hand, earnest-by-nature people like Fushiguro have the most difficulty in situations like this.

Fushiguro could feel his heart dying by the second just by looking at the fact that he’s currently sitting across Itadori, wearing a pair of angel wings and halo.

“And hey, Fushiguro, it’s about the crucial thing, but...”

“What?”

“As expected, seems like sensei’s aim was the pancake.”

“......... Yeah...”

The most important part of this investigation, Gojou, had especially sat down on the seat by the window where you can only see the neighboring building, and has since started his tea time, eating the pancake in grace.

He wore the angel cosplay very naturally as if it was his uniform, yet the way he sipped his cappuccino look like he was from a hard-boiled novel. The way he made himself ‘at home’ was in a different dimension when compared to first-time customers like Itadori and Fushiguro.

On the other hand, even taking into account the fact that Fushiguro is still a beginner, he’s almost on his limit. If he could, he’d leave this place even a second faster.

“Oi. Now that we know Gojou-sensei’s true aim, if you’re satisfied then let’s get out of here.”

“Eeh, but I ordered already.”

“Just pay for it and get out.”

“But it’s not good if the food we ordered go to waste, right?”

“...Well, that’s true, but...”

Fushiguro wanted to leave the cafe even if it meant paying for nothing, but he’s a kind person in nature, so when he’s told something like that, he just couldn’t complain.

On the other hand, his eyes that look like the deepest gulf peeking into the night, started to look duller and duller. Once again, Fushiguro attempted to turn off his awareness.

Numbness is a safety device for the living. He must protect his heart at all costs - or else, it wouldn’t be strange for a curse to be born.

It was a stark contrast to Itadori, who, despite being restless, look like he’s excited to try out an attraction in a theme park.

However, the maid cafe’s true baptism starts from here.

“Here’s Precious Set - Mellow-mellow A~”

The true form of Precious Set that one couldn’t ever guess from the menu at all is actually an ordinary looking omurice[19].

On top of the plate was a panda drawn with ketchup - and, it’s most probably a coincidence, but it look like Panda-senpai so much that Fushiguro’s heart ached.

On the empty spaces in the plate was written words like ‘Precious...! Makes me feel frazzled...!’, but the only one actually frazzled here is Fushiguro.

On the other hand, Itadori’s already completely adapted to the situation.

“Well then, I’m going to ask for Masters to add on even more melancholy on the dish~”

“What should I do to add on the melancholy?”

“Please tell me one precious, melancholic, and emotionally moving scene from your favorite anime! If you can make me feel melancholic without telling me the title, you pass~”

“Eeh. Dang, it’s kinda hard to choose. ...Ah, then that one where the main character is a boy who really admires heroes.”

“Me too, I watch that, too. It’s one of my favorites~”

“There’s this character with an inferiority complex towards his father... and then there’s the scene where he remembered that he wanted to become a hero, and he finally used the ‘left hand’ that he never used. I like that one.”

“Ah~ That’s a definitive episode, that one. But the scene choice is too cliche, so try another one!”

“Ah, then another anime. The main character lives in the ninja village. At first he got ostracized by his friends, but then he grew up and there’s this scene where he’s finally recognized as a proper ninja and got tossed up high in the air by his comrades...”

“Ah~ that’s a really emotional scene, isn’t it~”

“And the part where the teacher, who was his only ally, looked at him and got moved to tears... it’s definitely something you can’t miss.”

“Ah~ you’re going in really on point, aren’t you~”

“The part where they said, ‘Right now, there’s a hero in front of me’, right?”

“I understand, I understand so well~~~~ That’s super extra melancholic, and because I feel hit right on the heart should I add on a topping for you?”

“Ah, so it’s that kind of system?”

“It’s a 400 yen a la carte menu, ‘Melancholy Potato’ add-on~”

“Wahh, that makes no sense――! So much carbohydrate!”

“Well then, let’s say it together: Emo――i!”[20]

“Emo――i!”

In a rather messy fashion, the potato was added on on top of the plate.

It’s definitely got that ‘refrigerated food’ feel, but it seems for an a la carte it goes for 400 yen. When you’re having fun you stop caring about such things, but Fushiguro was so bothered he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but to get bothered about various things.

And when he thought so, the tip of the blade is now aimed at him.

“This Master, too, together~!”

“Come on, Fushiguro, there’s topping there, too!”

“Okay, e――moi!”

“E――moi!”

“...”

Fushiguro didn’t reply. However, the event continued.

“Well, now that we have added on the topping, let’s take a cheki[21] with the dish. Okay, come closer, come closer~”

“Eh, there’s that kind of thing in this cafe?”

“Because it’s the Preciouse Set.”

“Heeh, I don’t understand at all but I see!”

“There’s this heavenly-feel, right?

“I dunno, is there? Might be.”

“...”

“Well then, excuse me for sitting beside you~”

“Eh, aren’t you too close? I’m a bit embarrassed about these kinds of things.”

“You have to experience this kind of embarrassment to be an adult, you know~”

“Is that true?”

“Yup, it is~ Here goes, cheki☆”

“Che-cheki!”

“...”

“Thank you very much~”

“Oh darn, this is so embarrasing! Wah, my face’s so hot! It feels like I just paid off a really important thing! Am I okay? I’m still a minor!”

“Kyaa~ You’re so innocent it’s cute~ Well then, the Master over there, let’s go.”

“After all, the type of closeness is different to that of a folk dance. Fushiguro, be careful! You’ll get embarrassed! Super embarrassed!”

“Please prepare for taking the cheki~!”

“Fushiguro, it’s gonna start.”

“........................ No.”

Echoed a fragile, feeble, delicate voice like that of a dying duck.

“............ I’m......... okay......”

Fushiguro has finally reached his limits.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

“Aah, I unexpectedly ate a lot. But the taste’s kind of ordinary, wasn’t it.”

“The inside of my mouth’s dried because of all the potatoes.”

Thirty minutes passed.

Fushiguro and Itadori safely got out of heaven that took 500 yen to go in to.

“Fushiguro, I got the cheki we took earlier, you want it?”

“The next time you joke like that, I’m going to jam in paprika up your nose.”

“Isn’t it just something you don’t like! No, I understand, I understand that’s the limit to your harassment!”

“There’s a temple near Kanda. We’re going to burn the photos there.”

“Does it have to be in a temple!?”

“The only thing to do to cursed pictures is burning it for offering.”

“I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t know you were in that much pain!”

From Itadori’s perspective, Fushiguro always looked like he’s in a bad mood, but today, once again he got a look at ‘an actually angry Fushiguro’.

Now that it’s become like this, even Itadori couldn’t get into his usual rhythm.

A bit awkwardly, he thought of how to continue the conversation as he scratched his cheek - and then finally he decided to go back to the start of everything.

“B-by the way, in the end we lost Gojou-sensei, huh.”

“Yeah, but who cares about that.”

“Wa-waah, I wonder where he went......”

“What’s this about me?”

““Uwaaaaah!?””

The person who stepped into their somewhat awkward atmosphere in a suprising timing was Gojou, appearing from behind them.

Moreover――

“Go-Gojou-sensei! Since when were you behind us...... huh? Kugisaki’s here, too? Why?”

“Don’t ‘why’ me, you ass.”

Behind Gojou, Kugisaki shows up in a bad mood... or rather, full of malice and resentment.

For Itadori, it would be that another angry classmate shows up.

“Eeh... Even Kugisaki’s in a bad mood.”

“Of course I’d be. Because you guys loitered around Gojou-sensei, we...”

“Oh, come to think of it, Gojou-sensei, is it your day off today?”

“Don’t ignore me, you!”

Sensing that Kugisaki would complain in a more assertive fashion than Fushiguro, Itadori quite bluntly changed the subject.

Although, in the end, the subject didn’t change.

“No, I’m working as usual.”

“Eh? But you ate crepes and walked around town...”

“If you’re as busy as me, you wouldn’t have time to walk around town and making rediscoveries if not as you work, y’know. I might look like that but I’m actually doing my job.”

“And that is?”

“Looking for a dungeon.”

“...... Dungeon?”

“To use a different term, I’m looking for a nice cursed spot that could be used by the first years to acquire experience. In other words, I’m doing preliminary inspection.”

“.........Yes?”

The memories from when he’d first transferred to the Curse Technical College resurfaced on the back of Itadori’s mind.

That day, they were going to sight-see Tokyo, but in the end they had to participate in a curse exorcism recreation in an abandoned building.

Gojou continued indifferently.

“That maid cafe’s neighboring building’s mostly empty of tenants, but a strange rumor seems to have shown up on the internet, you see. And, because of the old record shop with quite a long history rented the place, the curse story’s credibility went up.”

“Ahh, that’s why you kept looking at the window despite there being nothing to see but the building.”

“Then, this is supposed to be a task for another day, but in a happy coincidence, the three first years are all present, so... ‘This is nice, I’ll just have them challenge it today!’, I thought.”

“Eh... eh!?”

“Don’t worry. I’ve moved around the amp abandoned in the building, played recordings like what’s written on the rumors, and other stuff to provoke the cursed spirit. So, you guys will be able to meet a very lively cursed spirit no problem!”

“......... Eeh...”

Itadori immediately moved his gaze towards Kugisaki.

He finally understood the reason for her face full of resentment.

In contrast, Fushiguro looked sharp and firm.

“Alright, we’re going.”

“Wh-why are you so eager!?”

“I feel much better doing this than going to a game center or a maid cafe.”

“Eh, what, you guys went to a maid cafe? Forget Itadori, but you too, Fushiguro? You look composed but you’re actually a lecher, huh, all of you!”

“It was inevitable.”

“What do you mean, forget about me!?”

“Who cares, let’s go.”

“That’s why I’m asking, why are you already in battle mode, Fushiguro!?”

“’Cause Megumi didn’t get the chance to show his abilities in the abandoned building the other day, he’s still all about it.”

“I’m not all about that.”

“No, your face clearly looks like you’re all about it.”

“You’re actually the type to hold a grudge for a long time, aren’t you.”

“Well then everyone, be careful on the way. I’m going to go eat age-manjuu[16].”

“You’re still going to eat!?”

“Let’s just go.”

“Don’t ‘let’s go’ me! Shit, good bye, my day off――――!”

“My Ame-yoko―――!”

From a day off gone wrong, being able to get in touch with a shaman’s ‘usual atmosphere’ helped Fushiguro recover quite a bit.

On the other hand, there are Itadori who had his satisfying holiday cut off, and Kugisaki who’d missed eating Ame-yoko’s specialty, Hyakka-en’s fruits[22].

Gojou saw off the three, noisily heading to exorcise the cursed spirit, with his usual light smile.

“Hm?”

Something fell off from Itadori’s pocket. What is it? Gojou tilted his head in question as he picked it up.

And the next moment, he burst into a laugh.

“Mm, hahahahahahahahahaha!”

Gojou couldn’t stop laughing as the image leapt into his sight.

“Ku, kukuku......... Aren’t they actually having the time of their life, those youngsters.”

80% of his smile was due to the strangeness.

20% of it was due to the pleasantness.

It was said that for some time, Gojou laughed with the picture of Itadori and Fushiguro with a maid wearing angel wings in hand.

Megumi-sama ♥ ♥ Please come again!!

Notes

(p.s. I'm not very sure about some of these, please do tell me if I got anything wrong.)

[1] Mito Koumon is the titular character (also a real person, his other name is Tokugawa Mitsukuni) of a period drama. Each episode always end with Mito Koumon, in a disguise, winning in a brawl against bad guys.

[2] Sazae-san is the name of an anime that has aired every Sunday since 1946 in Japan.

[3] Ame-yoko is an area in Tokyo famous for its shopping districts.

[4] Parque Espana is a Spanish theme park in Japan.

[5] Ueno and Okachimachi is also area in Tokyo.

[6] Tachikawa is a town in Okachimachi.

[7] Chiyoda ward is a special ward located in central Tokyo.

[8] Masakadozuka is the tomb of a beheaded hero.

[9] Akiba is the short term for Akihabara.

[10] Pepper-kun is a really famous robot from Japan.

[11] Onsen is a hot spring.

[12] Super sentou: sentou means a public bath, but in super sentou they have much more facilities than a simple bath, like sweets shops, terrace, and rest areas.

[13] Yamanote-sen is a railway loop line in Tokyo. It goes through famous places like Shibuya, Shinjuku, and Ikebukuro.

[14] It's a place with a ball machine (like Mechamaru during the baseball event) that you use to just... hit balls with a bat.

[15] That small machine you put in money and roll to get some surprises. Some of them are really expensive...

[16] SHOW悪 is, I think, a pun on 性悪 (shouwaru) = ill-natured.

[17] 尊みセット・エモエモ A. I'm not sure how to translate this (this whole maid cafe sequence is giving me a headache), but 尊い (toutoi) means precious. It's usually an otaku language when one talks about their favorite characters. エモ (emo or emoi) means emotional or melancholic. It's also usually used as an otaku language.

[18] かしこまリィンカネーション☆　= Understood-reincarnation. How am I supposed to make this work.

[19] Omelette rice.

[20] I give up. It's emoi. It's just emoi.

[21] Cheki is those polaroid pictures you take with idols, usually.

[22] Hyakka-en is a fruit store that's apparently very famous. Kind of expensive (but fruits are expensive in general in Japan), and for older fruits they chop it up and place it on a stick.

Honestly the novel is a treasure chest full of cute moments and amazing characterization information. I really love it - it’s probably my best buy. If you love Jujutsu Kaisen, you should really buy the book!

By the way, they’re going to release a second light novel soon.

#jujutsu kaisen #translation #light novel translation #fushiguro megumi #itadori yuuji #kugisaki nobara #gojou satoru

990 notes · View notes

hobeymakar · 4 years

Text

Unapologetically | C. Makar Part 5

Previous Parts: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Chapter word count: 4,076 words

A/N: I know it’s been a bit since I last posted, but I made up for it with a long chapter. Next chapter will officially be the start of the playoffs and it will be very much worth the wait. As always, please like and reblog if you enjoy. Any and all feedback is always greatly appreciated

Shoutouts: @pizzasloot @grenawitka @hockey-and-wine as usual for being amazing and always cheering me on in the gc!

Warnings: swearing

Taty wakes up the next day and sees that Cale isn’t beside her. She checks the time and sees that it’s 11:40am, meaning he’s at practice. She goes to the bathroom to start her morning routine. She then goes to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. She sees a note on the island table.

“Babe, I left for practice. I should be home around 2,” read the note.

She makes herself some coffee and another reboltido. She cleans up the kitchen and then heads to the bathroom to shower. She showers and changes into a New York Mets shirt and joggers. She also brushes her hair and leaves it out. She goes to the living room and starts planning out what she’s gonna talk about for her next podcast episode, which she’ll be recording later on that night. Before she knows it, Cale comes home with his gear bag in tow. He goes straight to the balcony to air out his gear before making his way over to Taty.

“Hey baby, how was practice?” she asks, kissing him.

“Hard and really long,” he replies, causing her to snort.

“That’s what she said,” she giggles, causing him to roll his eyes.

“You’re such a child,” he chuckles, heading to the kitchen.

“Don’t forget I’m older than you, bud!” she retorts.

“By two years only!” he bites back, grabbing a Gatorade bottle from the fridge.

“Anyway, did you have lunch?” she asks him.

“Yeah, I ate at the rink,” he informs her.

“Good. I’m gonna record the podcast. Is it okay if I record out here?” she asks.

“Of course. I’ll just be in the room. Might even take a nap,” he replies.

“Alright, I should be done after an hour,” she informs him.

“Take all the time you need, babe,” he assures her.

He heads off to the room and she sets up her laptop and her mic on the kitchen island. She starts recording and her focus for the episode is previewing the playoff matchups in the Western Conference, since the episode prior focused on the Eastern Conference. She breaks down every matchup talking about each team’s depth at forward, defense, and goaltender.

“The next matchup I’m gonna break down is the Colorado Avalanche versus the Winnipeg Jets. I personally think Colorado easily wins this series and this has nothing to do with my bias. Colorado is just the better team overall. In offense, Colorado has the slight edge, although Winnipeg has some great scorers like Scheifele, Laine, Connor, Ehlers, and Wheeler. In defense, Colorado has the edge and it’s not even close. Colorado has one of the best defensive corps in the league, with Makar, Girard, Graves, Johnson, and Cole. In goal, however, Winnipeg has the edge and it’s not even close. Hellebuyck will be a top 3 Vezina finalist again this season, after winning it last season. However, if Hellebuyck gets hurt, then the edge goes to Colorado.”

She does the rest of the Western Conference matchups in the 1st round, while also talking about key injury news in the league. After almost an hour, she finishes recording. She removes her setup and goes back into the room, to see Cale scrolling through his phone while laying in bed.

“I just finished recording. I’ll probably edit it later tonight to post it tomorrow,” she informs him.

“Speaking of tonight, do you mind if I take you out on a date?” he asks, sitting up.

“Of course not, where do you have in mind?” she asks.

“It’s a surprise,” he smiles, causing her to whine.

“Just a little hint please!” she cries out.

“You’re gonna love it and have fun. I promise,” he assures her.

“What time are we going? I need to get ready,” she explains.

“I was thinking 6, but we can go whatever time you want. The place we’re going to is open pretty late,” he informs her.

“Alright. I’m gonna start getting ready,” she informs him.

She grabs her flat iron and her make up bag and takes them to the bathroom. She turns on the flat iron and re-touches her hair while she listens to music on her phone. After her hair is re-touched, she starts working on her makeup. She puts on minimal makeup, since she’s not a big make-up person. She then goes to the room and sees Cale is dressed in a super casual outfit.

“Should I dress comfortably then?” she asks.

“Yes, dress comfortably because we’re gonna be doing something a little athletic,” he informs her.

“Are we going roller skating?” she asks, knowing how she can’t skate to save her life..

“I’m not telling you,” he smirks.

“You’re the worst!” she whines.

“You’re gonna love it, trust me,” he assures her.

“I do trust you. I just don’t like the fact that I don’t know where you’re taking me,” she informs him.

“I know, which is why I’m not telling you. It makes it more fun,” he smiles.

She sticks her tongue out at him in response.

“Go change, babe,” he replies, ignoring how she stuck her tongue out at him.

She changes into her Nolan Arenado Colorado Rockies shirt, black leather jacket, jeans and ankle boots.

“You look great,” he smiles, kissing her forehead.

“Thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself,” she teases, grabbing her small purse.

They walk out to the kitchen and he grabs his keys from the counter. They leave the apartment and make their way to the parking garage. They walk over to the car and Taty connects her phone to the car, as always. She puts her music on and they head out of the parking garage and onto the streets of Denver. After a couple minutes they head onto the highway, going south and away from the city.

“How long is the drive gonna be?” she asks him.

“Like 25 minutes. The place we’re going to is right by our practice facility,” he informs her.

“Well I’ll go to your next practice so I can see it,” she informs him.

“Maybe I can take you out on the ice for a skating lesson,” he teases, knowing how you can’t skate.

“Honestly, please do. Teach me how to skate because I can’t do it to save my life,” she sighs, thinking about how many times she ends up falling while trying to skate.

After 25 minutes, they arrive at their destination, which is TopGolf.

“Babe, you remembered!” she smiles, kissing his cheek.

She had told him before they even started dating that she always wanted to go to TopGolf since they don’t have any locations near her yet. She’s shocked he even remembered that.

“I remember everything you’ve ever said to me,” he replies, kissing her forehead.

He parks into an empty parking spot and they both get out of the car. They walk into the building and get their temperatures checked right away. They’re cleared to stay and go up to the front desk. Cale rents out a bay for the both of them. They’re escorted to their bay and given their equipment.

“You wanna go first?” he asks.

She goes to the tee with her club and puts a ball on the tee. She goes into her stance and lines her club up with the ball.

“You want me to help you with your swing?” he asks.

“Are you trying to say my stance is bad?” she scoffs, shooting him a glare.

“No babe!” he immediately responds, backtracking.

“That’s what I thought,” she adds, watching how he stays silent.

She lines her club up with the ball again before taking a big swing. She watches as the ball goes super far.

“Great swing babe! It went 295ft,” he informs her, as she makes her way to sit down.

“Let’s make it a competition to see who can hit it the farthest. Winner gets to control the music in the car and gets to pick the movie we watch tonight,” she suggests.

“Deal,” he nods.

He gets up and goes to the tee with his club and puts a ball on the tee. He goes into his stance and lines the club up with the ball.

“Babe, you want me to help you with your swing?” she asks teasingly, making fun of what he said earlier.

“Fuck off,” he groans, shaking his head.

She just laughs in response as he takes his swing, hitting the ball.

“Fuck, you threw me off! That was a terrible swing,” he groans, walking away from the tee.

“It wasn’t terrible, babe! It went 242ft,” she assures him.

“That’s fucking terrible, babe,” he replies, shaking his head in disappointment.

The two go back and forth and after an hour, Taty is crowned the winner.

“In your face, eat shit!” she yells in his ear.

“How are you so competitive?” he asks in disbelief.

“I grew up with 3 sisters. I’ll always be competitive,” she informs him.

The food that they ordered arrives and they eat it, while discussing Cale’s day off tomorrow before Game 1 on Wednesday. They finish eating and return everything back to the front desk, before leaving. They go back to the car and Taty connects her phone to the car.

“I had a great time by the way. Hopefully with practice, I’ll be able to go to a real golf course and dominate someday,” she replies.

“I can totally help with that,” he replies, backing out of the parking spot.

“If my dad heard me talking about going to a golf course, he would be so disappointed,” she giggles.

“Why?” he asks, driving out of the parking lot.

“He hates golf, like absolutely hates it. He thinks it’s the most boring thing ever and doesn’t even think it should be called a sport,” she explains.

“He just needs to try it once and then maybe he might change his mind,” he suggests.

Taty starts singing along to the music playing through the speakers, while Cale gets back on the highway to head back to the city.

“Babe, I found this restaurant that I think you’ll really enjoy. It’s a bit of a drive since it’s pretty north of the city, but I want to take you there anyway tomorrow night. Do you want me to take you there tomorrow night?” he asks.

“Of course! I expect you to take me out all day tomorrow,” she informs him.

“Oh I will. I haven’t taken you really anywhere around the city and I already know the places you’d enjoy,” he assures her.

“10/10 would boyfriend again,” she smiles, lacing her fingers with his over the center console.

After half an hour, they arrive at the apartment complex and park in the garage. They make their way up the elevator and to the apartment. They make their way inside the apartment Taty goes to the room to pick out her pajamas. She grabs her pajamas and heads to the bathroom. She washes her face, ties up her hair, brushes her teeth, and changes into her pajamas. She leaves the bathroom and goes to the room where she sees Cale already laying in bed, under the covers. She follows suit and joins him under the covers. She grabs the remote and cuddles into his side, as she chooses a movie for them to watch. She settles on Miracle and he chuckles.

“Miracle really?” he asks, shaking his head.

“This is my favorite movie of all time. I can literally quote this movie and besides, I got to pick the movie tonight, so deal with it,” she replies, bumping his shoulder.

“I’m only messing with you babe! I like this movie, I just didn’t think you would pick it. I thought you would pick something different,” he replies.

“Tonight I’m in the mood for this movie, so we’re watching it,” she explains, a finality in her voice.

“Aye aye, captain,” he teases.

She squeezes his nipple, causing him to yelp.

“Ow! What the fuck was that for?!?” he yells in pain, rubbing his nipple to help relieve the pain.

“For being a smartass,” she smirks, pressing play on the movie.

They watch the movie together and Taty really does quote like the majority of the movie, which generates laughter out of Cale. Before they know it, the movie is over and Taty is taking it off from Disney+.

“You weren’t lying when you said you could quote most of the movie,” he says.

“I used to watch this movie like multiple times a week. Of course I could quote the movie,” she replies incredulously.

“It’s like every day you do something that amazes me,” he responds truthfully.

“I am pretty amazing,” she smiles.

“Alright, that’s enough ego for you,” he teases.

“Oh look who’s talking about ego, Mr. I’m the Avs’ best d-man,” she teases, shooting him a look.

“Alright, you got a point there,” he replies, not even bothering to argue that.

“I always got points, babe,” she adds, yawning.

“Alright, I think that’s a sign we should call it a night. We got a long day tomorrow,” he informs her.

“You’re gonna show me around the city, right?” she asks, turning over to her side.

“Yes, babe,” he replies, wrapping his arms around her as the big spoon.

“Goodnight,” she yawns, her eyes closing.

“Goodnight princess,” he smiles, kissing her hair.

The next morning, Taty wakes up and sees the bed is empty beside her. She gets up and heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She then goes to the kitchen and finds Cale in the kitchen, making them breakfast once again.

“Good morning, babe. Do you ever sleep?” she asks, wrapping her arms around him from behind.

“Good morning princess. I do sleep. Remember, I always take naps during the day,” he replies, turning around to kiss her.

“Yeah I know, I’m just messing with you,” she replies, hip checking him lightly.

She gets mugs out for the coffee and plates out for the food. After a minute, he’s done making breakfast and puts the food on their plates. They sit down on the island to eat it.

“So what places are you taking me today?” she asks.

“Bold of you to assume I would give you that information,” he smirks, taking a sip of coffee.

“Why are you like this? Can’t you just tell me anything?” she whines.

“Nope, you better get used to this, because I won’t be telling you places that I’ll be taking you out to,” he replies, taking a bite out of his food.

“You’re lucky you’re hot dude,” she replies, taking a bite out of her food.

His cheeks turn even more rosy with the compliment and she holds back a giggle. They finish eating their breakfast and she cleans up the kitchen, while Cale takes a shower and gets dressed. She then follows suit and takes a shower before re-straightening her hair. She then does her makeup before changing into jeans, a black pull-over sweater, and black suede ankle boots. She grabs her small purse and goes out to the living room, where she sees Cale dressed casually, scrolling on his phone.

“You’re ready to go?” he asks her, pocketing his phone.

“Yeah, let’s go,” she replies, walking towards the door.

He grabs his keys from the counter and they leave the apartment. They make their way down to the garage and head over to his car. They get into the car and she connects her phone to the car right away. They drive off towards their first destination of the day. After 15 minutes, they arrive at their first destination, which is the Downtown Aquarium. They get into the parking lot and he finds an empty spot to park in.

“Aww babe, you really do remember everything I tell you,” she smiles, kissing him.

“So take that as your only hint then. I’m gonna be taking you to places that have to do with things you’ve told me about before,” he informs her.

“Wow so helpful,” she teases.

“Well sucks because it’s all you’re gonna get,” he teases back, shutting off the car.

They get out of the car and make their way inside the aquarium, hand-in-hand. They get screened and allowed to go in and they go up to the front desk. They buy their tickets and go inside the aquarium. They go through each exhibit and Taty loves petting the stingrays and dolphins. She’s in awe by all the different species of fish, sharks, and other sea creatures. After almost two hours, they finish going through the entire aquarium. They leave the aquarium and head towards their next destination. They arrive at the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception and park in the parking lot. They walk out of the car and walk towards the steps of the Basilica.

“I know you mentioned how much you loved visiting the Basilica in Montreal and how beautiful it was, so I figured you’d want to see the Basilica here. It’s really beautiful,” he informs her.

“A man who understands my love for the beauty of Roman Catholic churches!” she sighs dramatically, placing a hand over her heart.

“I told you I pay attention to everything you tell me,” he replies, taking her hand in his.

They finally make it up the steps and go inside the Basilica to tour it. Taty takes a million pictures and videos to send to her family, since they share her same love for Roman Catholic architecture. After 20 minutes, they finish the tour and head down the steps.

“We’re gonna walk to our next stop,” he informs her.

They walk a few blocks to the Colorado State Capitol and take pictures, enjoying the view of the mountains from the rotunda. They head walk down towards the Colorado Veterans Monument located in the park in front of the Capitol building. They walk the few blocks back to the car and get inside.

“Babe, are we gonna have lunch soon?” she asks, looking at the time.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go to a nice little spot around here that I think you’ll really enjoy,” he informs her.

They drive back towards downtown and head over to a spot called Brooklyn’s Finest Pizza.

“Babe, I hope you know that I’m gonna be critical of this place. I’m originally from New York so I’m gonna be critical if it doesn’t taste like authentic Brooklyn-style pizza,” she informs him.

“I expect nothing less,” he replies, as they get out of the car.

They walk towards the pizzeria and go inside, excited to see that it isn’t packed. They order their pizza and sit down at a table to wait for their pizza to come out.

“Do you come here often?” she asks him.

“Not really. I usually would just come here on off days, but not every off day. Can’t really eat too much of this stuff during the season,” he informs her.

“All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill you guys to not be so strict with your diet plans once in a while,” she replies, sending her family all the videos and pictures she’s taken so far.

Their food comes out and they pick it up before heading back to the table. They dig in right away and Cale waits for her reaction.

“It’s really good for not being in New York. These people know what they’re doing. I’m impressed,” she smiles, enjoying the Brooklyn-style pizza.

They eat while talking about what the following day entails, since it’s Game 1 of the 1st round of the playoffs. After a while, they finish eating and clean up. They leave the pizzeria and head back to the car.

“We’re gonna go to one more spot before heading back home and then going somewhere you’re gonna really like for dinner,” he informs her.

“Now you got me excited,” she replies, looking forward to dinner.

They make their way towards the next destination, which is City Park.

“This is the biggest park in the city. It’s kind of like our own version of Central Park but way smaller,” he informs her.

They drive inside the park and make their way towards the Zoo. They park in the parking lot and make their way to the Zoo entrance. They buy tickets and make their way inside the Zoo. They go through each exhibit and Taty enjoys seeing the aquatic animals the most, like the penguins. After almost two hours, they finish going through the Zoo. They then walk back to their car and drive through the rest of the park, enjoying the view of it. They then drive back to the apartment to relax before leaving for dinner.

They arrive at the apartment and Cale goes straight to the room to nap. Taty goes to the living room and decides to get some work done, while he takes his nap. After an hour, Cale wakes up from his nap.

“Ready to go?” he asks her, coming out of the room.

“Yeah just give me a minute to put my stuff away,” she informs him, turning off her laptop.

She puts her stuff away and grabs her small purse. He grabs his keys from the counter and they make their way out of the apartment. They make their way to the car and drive off towards the restaurant.

“Just so you know, this is gonna be a pretty long drive,” he informs her.

“How long?” she asks.

“An hour,” he informs her.

“How far out is this place?” she asks.

“Over 50 miles from here, but it’ll be worth it. I promise,” he assures her, as they make their way towards the highway.

They listen to music the entire ride, as Taty takes in the view of the mountains, the further they get away from the city. After what feels like forever, but really it was only an hour, they arrive at their destination.

“Babe, why are we at a mall?” she asks, getting out of the car.

“Because the restaurant is located inside the mall,” he informs her.

They make their way inside the mall and walk over towards the restaurant entitled MY Tastee’s Cajun & Dominican Food.

“I can’t believe you brought me to a Domincian restaurant!” she smiles, not believing how thoughtful he is.

“I figured you probably miss the food right now,” he replies, as they walk inside the restaurant.

They get seated and Taty immediately opens the menu, getting excited to see what native food they have on the menu.

“Babe, they have everything here! Sancocho, Mangu con los tres golpes, Mofongo, Bistec Dominicano!” she gushes, not believing that he actually found a Dominican restaurant for her.

“Your challenge is to find me the healthiest Dominican food on the menu for me,” he smiles.

“Well everything on here is not part of your diet plan but I guess I can try my best,” she winces, knowing how unhealthy Domincan food can be.

“I’m joking. It doesn’t have to be healthy,” he assures her.

The waiter comes and they order drinks before Taty orders Sancocho (dominican soup) for Cale, since it’s like the healthiest Domincan item on the menu. She then orders rice, beans, bistec, and tostones for herself.

“I still can’t believe you found this place! They’re even playing Dominican music in here!” she gushes, taking notice of the merengue song playing in the background.

“It wasn’t easy, trust me,” he replies.

They make small talk, with Taty explaining dominican food to him. After a short while, their food arrives and they dig in right away.

“Wow this soup is really good. What type of potatoes are these?” he asks.

“Those aren’t potatoes babe. They’re roots or as we call them biberes. It’s yucca, yautia, and batata,” she informs him.

“Oh well, they’re really good,” he smiles.

She loves how flavorful her bistec is and the tostones are so crisp.

“Wow, this is good authentic Dominican food. I’m impressed,” she smiles, the food making her think of home.

“I told you it would be worth it,” he smiles.

They finish eating and pay before leaving. They head back to the car to make the trip back to the car. It’s on the ride back that she starts thinking about how she’s falling in love with Cale and it finally hits her that this is what being in love feels like and she never wants it to end.

#cale makar #colorado avalanche #hockey #nhl writing #nhl fanfiction #cale makar fanfic #hockey fanfiction #nhl #nhl players #nhl imagines #cale makar imagine

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horansqueen · 5 years

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 44

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: i planned more things for this chapter but got caught in the smut. sorry? i want them to have a few more chapters of happiness before the rest of the story happens sooo i hope it wasnt too boring?

requests for this chapter!

Chapter 44 : His chapter

NIALL

"I hate this."

I turned to my girlfriend with a smirk and chuckled a bit before pushing her side gently with mine. She turned to look at me too and made a grimace but I quickly reached for her fingers and grabbed them, pulling her with me. I moved my arm up and made her twirl around just to make her get her smile back and when she stopped, I noticed her lips were curled again.

"You used to love this, come on."

She tilted her head and stuck her tongue out at me before laughing. I pulled on her arm again to bring her closer and closed my eyes when her lips crashed against mine.

"To be honest I never really enjoyed this." she admitted when I kicked the ball her way. "I just liked spending time with you and you were always a fan of football."

"Are you serious?" I chuckled, an amused smile on my lips. "We used to play for hours! And all this time you hated it?"

She rolled her eyes, kicking me the ball back and I stopped it with one of my feet.

"Okay I didn't hate it but it's not something I really enjoy."

"You don't like it only because you're not good at it." I pointed out jokingly, passing her the ball again but bursting into laughter when she kicked it back very roughly and not in my direction. "Don't be a sore loser."

I jogged to get the ball back and when I came back, she shook her head.

"If that was true, I wouldn't do much."

I frowned and looked up at her.

"What do you mean?"

She rolled her eyes and took a step closer.

"I'm pretty average at pretty much everything." she shrugged, stopping the ball again.

"Well you'd give blowjobs a lot!" I joked, bursting into laughter when she shot the ball so hard I had to take a step on the side not to be hit. "More seriously though, you're not average at everything, and there's nothing wrong with being average anyway."

She raised her nose up. "Yea I know, everyone's special is an other way of saying no one is."

"Did you just quote The Incredibles?" I asked with an other laugh.

"Shut up and play."

I laughed again but we started playing in silence. It was finally warm outside, warmer than it usually is in may, and I felt like I hadn't played football in way too long. Soccer Aid was not really far away and I needed to practice but the more we played, the more I realized I wouldn't have much competition if I played witb my girlfriend.

"You're the worst person at football i've ever met." I confessed after an hour.

She grimaced while panting, holding herself on her knees. I smiled more and took a few steps closer, bringing the ball with me. She looked pretty and I was endeared by the fact that she'd make efforts to play with me even if she didn't like it.

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows before to get back up. "What are you talking about i'm.. i'm so good I mean..." she stopped and sighed, grimacing again. "Okay, I seriously suck but I mean, you should see me play golf!"

"Oh?" I chuckled again. "You think you,re a good golfer?"

"Na," she raised her nose up again. "You should see me because I suck even more."

This time, I burst into laughter and moved my chin her way, pushing the ball gently her way with my foot.

"Okay, just try to move past me with the ball."

"Actually, I could just... like..." she shrugged, looking up at me. ".. hit you in the knee and i'd probably win."

"That's... totally not fair play." I let out, raising my eyebrows as her lips curled.

"Okay but i'd probably win, yea?"

I glared at her and she just rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

"Fine, fine, but don't be too rough."

I smiled as she kept her eyes on the ball and tried to move past me, pressing both her hands on my chest to push me. I took a step back and laughed, grabbing both her wrists and making her look up in my eyes.

"Darling, you're cheating."

She stared at me a few seconds and her lips curled. I loved theway her eyes sparkled and my gaze dropped to her mouth when she licked her lips.

"Maybe." she whispered. "But i'm winning."

She tried to push me again but this time, I didn't lose my balance and got closer to her. She tried to kick the ball away but her leg intertwined with mine and we both fell on the grass and she let out a loud 'ow!' before she started laughing. She opened her eyes and I realized I was half-laying on top of her with one of my thighs between hers and her lips curled again.

"This is my favorite football position," she whispered, nibbling on her bottom lip.

"That's not a football position."

She rolled her eyes with a chuckle and brought one of her hands in my hair, slipping her fingers in it. These past few weeks had been perfect and I wanted things to stay that way. After the small fight we had had about my jealousy, we had decided to focus on us and if I wanted to be honest, I couldn't remember a time in my life where I had been happier with a girl. I knew that eventually many things would change but I didn't want to think about them. I just wanted to live the present moment and enjoy fun times with my girlfriend. It was still crazy to realize she was not only my best friend anymore but I was slowly getting used to it.

"Mm, shut up."

I smiled more and bent down to kiss her, my lips brushing against her first before deepening the kiss. She brought one of her knees up and pressed her thigh on my ass to push me closer to her, making me laugh in her mouth.

"You're such a horny girl, I swear." I mentioned with a chuckle when she ground up against me.

"Look who's talking, you get hard as often as a fifteen year old." she argued, smiling against my lips.

"I blame you." I whispered, pulling away slightly to look in her eyes.

She chucked low and shook her head, still staring at me, and I didn't want to move. I had never felt like that with any other girl I dated and I had this weird feeling that I would never have this kind of relationship with anyone else in my whole life. The thought of spending my life with her reached my mind and my smile faltered slightly. That idea was still scaring me more than I could admit and I was not sure why. I loved her, I was even in love with her, and we were happy together, but thinking that I wouldn't live anything else with anyone else was not a comforting concept.

"Are you okay?" she asked, taking me out of my thoughts.

I blinked a few times and focused on her again. Her hair was a mess and spread around her head, her lips were slightly parted and the sun was shining on her skin. I wasn't horny anymore, or even scared. I was just in awe of her, how beautiful she was, and how much I loved her.

"Y-yes..."

She opened her mouth more to say something but my phone made a sound, telling me I had a text message. I search through my pocket and she laughed at the way I squirmed over her, making my lips curl slightly.

"It's Louis." I explained, glancing at her before looking back at my screen. "He wants to go out tonight. You in?"

My eyes found her again and she raised her nose up and shrugged.

"Not really, but you can go if you want." she quickly replied. "I'll just take a warm bath and read a book."

My eyes roamed on her face, not really knowing if that,s really what she wanted. I remembered dating Maya and how I always had to guess what she really wanted. I could never rely on her words and I had to decipher her body expression to know the truth. Olivia was different but the habit to be on guard or even to get defensive was still alive inside me. I tensed and frowned, hiolding my breath as I tried to analyze her.

"Are you sure?" I asked cautiously. "You're not just saying that, right?"

This time, she laughed and shook her head, letting her fingers move from my hair to my jaw.

"If it bothered me, i'd tell you."

My lips curled into a big smile and I bent down to press my lips against hers.

"You're perfect." I whispered before kissing her again as she laughing against my mouth.

I pecked her lips a few times and finally moved off of her to get up. I held my arm out and she grabbed my hand, the warmth of her skin feeling amazing against mine, and I just helped her up. Her body was close to mine and I smiled as she wrapped her arms around my neck, getting on her tiptoes.

"As long as we cuddle when you come back." she requested, tilting her chin up. "Deal?"

She was adorable and despite the fact that we were both sweaty, I pulled her closer and let my hands run up her back under her shirt.

"Deal."

----

I couldn't remember the last time I drank that much. I tried to avoid any discussion with Louis that would have to do with Olivia because I really didn't know how it would go and I was not in the mood to ruin the friendship I had with him, or the one he had with my girlfriend. I was still a bit jealous of how close they seemed to be when they were together but it didn't seem to happen as often and I couldn't say it bothered me.

"Chillax, mate!" Louis let out with a laugh, making me grimace.

"Did you just say 'chillax'?" I asked, turning to him and making Harry laugh. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Alright, he's still slightly lucid." Liam pointed out, getting up and taking Julie's hand. "We're leaving, was a long day."

I remained sitting while they said goodbye to everyone and when it was my turn, I got up a bit too quickly, making me realize I was drunker than I thought.

"Hey, Neil, you okay?" Louis asked in a concerned tone, putting his hand on my back. "Come on, i'll bring you back home."

He helped me walk until the car and held my head to get me inside. I leaned against the seat and closed my eyes but quickly opened them again when I realized I was getting dizzy and nauseous. We drove in silence and when he finally parked, I let my head fall on the side to look at him.

"D'you need help to get to the door?"

I groaned and raised my nose in a grimace, pushing my back off the seat and opening the door slowly. I heard Louis chuckle and quickly, he got out of his car, jogged to my side and helped me out. I was not that drunk and I knew that it would be better as soon as i'd be inside but he still walked with me to the door and after a few tries, I unlocked the door and we both walked in. I smiled immediately when I saw my girlfriend sitting on the couch, her legs close to her body and her nose in a book. When she heard the door, she looked up and she went from being happy, to surprise, to suspicious. She put her book on the coffee table right next to her glass of white wine and walked to us. I noticed she was wearing one of my hoodie but her legs were bare and I let my eyes run on her before looking up and sending her a smirk.

"Sorry Louis, I didn't expect you to be there."

"It's no problem love, I'm just here to bring you back your boyfriend in one piece." he grinned and she chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Where you should put this dead weight?"

I turned to him with a frown, sending him a loud "Heyyy!" with an insulted tone but it only made him laugh. Olivia brought her shoulders up and I noticed her hands were hidden in the sleeves of her sweater.

"You can bring him in his bed, i'll take care of him."

She followed as Louis helped me to the bed and I grabbed a pillow and sighed as I watched them interact. She nodded a few times and tilted her head, bringing her hand to his arm. I think I heard her apologize and she finally got on her tiptoes to hug him before he left. I watched him disappear in the hall and stared at my girlfriend as she turned my way and sent me a smile.

"So, had fun?" she asked, getting closer to the bed and working on my shoes.

I watched her as her hair fell on the side, hiding half her face and slowly, I brought my hand up to move a lock of hair behind her ear. She glanced at me with a shy smile as she pulled on my socks and I was too focused on her to help her in any way. She moved closer and undid my pants and my eyes fell on her fingers.

"Are you gonna help me?"

I looked up at her, amused by the whole thing, and moved my ass up as she pulled hard on my pants. She held my boxers with one hand as she took my pants off completely and this time, I laughed.

"Are you scared to see me naked?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"That'd be wrong, you're drunk." she pointed out.

I reached to grab her wrist and pulled gently on it, making her turn around and bend slightly. The collar of her hoodie was falling right in front of my face and I sat straighter to take a look.

"Fuck, petal, you're not wearing a bra." I pointed out, ignoring her comment. "Show me."

I brought my hand up and pulled a bit on it but she just chuckled and got back up. I let out a short groan and grimaced, letting my fingers run on her naked thigh.

"Please, darling, come closer." I almost begged.

"Niall, don't act like a child." she argued, rolling her eyes with a smile.

She put one of her knees on the bed and reached over me to grab the sheets but quickly, I moved my hand between her legs and let two of my fingers rub a few times over her panties.

"Fuck."

Her word came to my ears in a whisper and I let my free hand slide under her hoodie to reach her breasts. I didn't feel as drunk suddenly and I realized how bad I wanted her. We had been dating for a few months already but I still couldn't get enough of her, whether it was physically or romantically and I didn't know why we should stop ourselves if that's what we wanted.

"Can I take your panties off, love?"

As I talked, I brought my fingers in the hem of her panties and pulled on them. I was a bit scared she'd move away but instead, she grabbed the other side of her panties and helped me get them off.

"Bring your knee back on the bed." I asked low. "Please, let me touch you."

She bit her bottom lip and did what I asked, bringing my attention back on her inner thighs. My fingers reached her pussy again but this time, I felt my heart skip a beat and my dick swell.

"You've got such a pretty little cunt, petal." I whispered. "Did I ever tell you?"

Instead to answer, she moved her hips very gently and lightly against my fingers and I reached for her hand with my free one, bringing it slowly and softly closer to me.

"You make me so hard."

I pressed her hand against my crotch and I noticed her lips parting. Her fingers grabbed my cock over my boxers and I groaned at the feeling.

"We shouldn't do that." she murmured so low I almost didn't hear. "You're drunk."

"Not anymore, just a bit tipsy, you know me." I pointed out, pressing my fingertips on her clit and pushing them between her folds. "Besides, I really want to you to ride me."

It took only half a second for her to straddle me and with a smirk, I brought my fingers to my lips and sucked on them for a few seconds, tasting her. She just looked at me motionless until I brought both my hands on her thighs and quickly, she pulled on my boxers.

"I'm supposed to take care of you." she pointed out low, staring down at my hard cock. "Not ride you."

"Oh you're taking care of me alright."

She chuckled and shook her head but didn't answer me. She simply pressed herself against my cock and i felt it slide between her legs. I smiled when I realized how wet she was and she let out a short whimper as she was coating my dick. I felt my tip press against her clit and my hands ran from her thighs to her waist as I helped her move.

"Enough teasing petal, ride me. Fast and hard."

Once again, she chuckled but moved up only to sit on my cock quickly. I felt her tight around me as I entered her and I gripped her waist harder at the incredible feeling, hissing through my teeth.

"Jesus Christ..." I let out, feeling my fingers sink in her skin as they pressed on her. "Never had a pussy feeling as good as yours darling, fucking hell."

She smiled and bent down to brush her lips against mine but I couldn't resist and brought one of my hands behind her head to push her lips harder against mine. I quickly deepened the kiss and moaned low in her mouth until she moved slightly away.

"Really? Or do you say that to every girl you shag?" she asked in a whisper, her lips brushing against mine.

"No." I chuckled. "It's true, you're the best lay I ever hard."

"Mm, liar."

I moved a lock out of her face again and stared in her eyes. I was having a hard time not to focus on the way she was throbbing around me, squeezing my cock hard with her walls, but I breathed in and tried to put the words in my head in the right order.

"I'm not lying. No other girl felt as good as you. Maybe it's the feelings we have for each other or maybe it's how well our bodies fit together... or a bit of both... and maybe a bunch of other things too... but you're the best lay I ever had, Olivia."

Her eyes roamed on my face for a few seconds and she finally smiled fondly at me.

"Can't believe your drunk ass could come up with something like that."

I laughed. "Oh shut up, I love you."

"I love you too."

She chuckled again and sat back up before moving up slightly on her knees. I felt my cock slip slightly out of her and she moved back to get me balls deep inside her again. I slapped her thigh slightly then a bit harder to incite her to go quicker and when she started moving hard over me, I looked down to watch my cock slip in and out of her. I could hear how wet she was and when she let out a few whimpers, I felt myself twitch inside her.

"Fuck, you're gonna make me cum." I mumbled, shutting my eyes tight.

She started moving quicker and harder over me and when I reached an orgasm, I gripped both her thighs and shook beneath her. I opened my eyes as I was cumming and noticed her, her eyes closed and two of her fingers rubbing quickly her clit. The sight was amazing and when she started cumming over me, I felt her clench around my still hard but sensitive cock. It took us a few minutes to get back to normal and slowly, she moved up on her knees and I watched as my cum dropped from her pussy to my stomach.

"Oops, sorry." she apologized as she quickly got off of me.

I smirked and looked up in her eyes, raising my eyebrows.

"Why don't you clean your mess, petal?"

She quickly nodded and reached for the tissue box next to the bed but I quickly grabbed her arm to stop her.

"I meant with your tongue."

She blinked a few times but quickly, she got on her knees next to the bed and stuck her tongue out as I pushed her hair behind her shoulder. Her tongue ran on my warm skin, gathering my orgasm and I could swear I felt my cock swell again when I saw her swallow. I was about to say something when she moved closer to my dick and ran on tongue on the tip before sucking on it for a few seconds.

"You... are..." I said slowly, shaking my head.

"Naughty?" she proposed with a smile.

"I was going to say 'incredible' but yea, that too."

She laughed and got up, bending down to get our clothes and bring them to the laundry basket. She disappeared in the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom and came back a few minutes later with a glass of water and pills.

"Take that and drink everything. It'll help for the headache tomorrow." she ordered, handing me everything.

I groaned a bit but sat up and did what she told me to do before laying back down. She put the glass on the bedside table and moved the covers over me, tucking me in and making me chuckle.

"Do you need anything else?" she wondered, letting her fingers run on my cheek and jaw. "More blankets? Pillows?"

I shook my head frenetically, making her smile more. "Just you."

"Give me a few minutes."

She went to the bathroom again, closing the door behind herself this time and I used this time to move my boxers back up and turn around in bed. When she got out, she turned all the lights off and slithered under the covers with me. I quickly pulled her closer and pressed my lips against her.

"You taste like beer." she pointed out low as my lips curled more.

"You taste like fucking heaven."

She pressed her lips together, trying not to smile too wide but I noticed my words made her happy and I kissed her lips again.

"Was ut fun tonight at the bar?"

"Mmhm, it's a shame you weren't there though." I admitted, rubbing my nose gently against hers. "Louis, Liam and Julie were there. And Harry too, with his new girlfriend." I waited a few seconds before continuing. "Are you jealous?"

"Mm, no. She's a model, isn't she? Is she prettier than me?"

I laughed and rolled my eyes, moving slightly away only to notice she was smirking.

"No!" I admitted, happy to realize she was just playing with me. "I mean yea, she's a model, but she's not prettier than you. She asked where you were, though."

"Why would she ask that?"

"Maybe she wanted to find out if you were prettier than her." I suggested, pecking her lips again.

She brought her arm around my neck and slid her fingers in my hair. I loved when she did that. Nothing felt better than that.

"Did you tell her that i'm madly in love with you?" she whispered, brushing her parted lips against mine.

"Why would I tell her that?" I asked just as low, feeling my heart skip a beat at her words and perhaps a little because of the alcohol still running in my veins.

"Because I am." she replied. I closed my eyes when her lips pressed against mine. "I'm so madly in love with you, Niall James Horan. I love you."

"Not as much as I love you." I argued, pulled her closer to feel her whole body press against mine. "Nothing is stronger than my love for you."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan writing #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan fanfiction #my fanfics #amc #i feel a bit bad for this because nothing happened :X

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benbantz · 4 years

Text

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities and cross overs , but ultimately different Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks. Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-)

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little.

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw, take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

*Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things, (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day. - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense) I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either. - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear) - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me! Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised 'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew) - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks. I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol. I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou) Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly.

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different, (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.) it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human) I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first 'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week) So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) - fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine. People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary!

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..' ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead 'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole. Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?' it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from. This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate.

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-)

Stay safe everyone x

#covid-19 #covid19longhaul #longtermcovid #coronavirus #coronalonghaul #covid 19 symptoms #corona symptoms #long haul covid #covid long haulers #covid recovery #covid uk #corona uk #corona long haulers uk

8 notes · View notes

ilguna · 4 years

Text

i also have a list of shit my history teacher (this year) has said and done so I will share it with you:

warning: its really fucking long bc he would say/do shit MULTIPLE times a day

goes onto the next slide, “it’s a meme, get it?” proceeds to explain the meme (its the hey arnold meme with the first)

also goes onto another slide, with the twitter opinion meme. at the end of the paragraph it says “this class smacks, I’m lit”

“I’m going to beat up your brother. i am going to pummel him.”

On the 6th day of class he finally realized that there was a total of 6 guys and the rest were girls

student: “You should not put it in (as an assingment)”. teacher; “laugh out loud, im dead”

he was teaching us how to write a DBQ, the computer had a pop up saying that the battery was low, and then a spider shows up out of fucking nowhere, hanging from the ceiling. he CLAPS it, jokes about eating it, and then sets it on his desk (not in the trash can 2 feet away) so he can “deal with it later”

his endless military stories, specifically ORANGE DESERT

he wrote “if you would have had your thinking skull on” on my first DBQ

him saying “I hate this” after typing a word wrong multiple times while teaching us DBQ’s lmfao

“For the lols”

Threw a box of tissues across the room into the trash can

threw a box of tissues at a student

he had this obsession with throwing expo markers at his whiteboard, trying to make it land on the metal part so expect that a lot.

“Do you want me to drown him in a bathtub?” (which was about a student’s dog that had separation anxiety lmaoo)

Sang the rain drop, drop top song

The collars on his shirt turned up

“He’ll be beaten for that distraction” (after his son called him during his lesson and he willingly answered)

“Stay woke”

“It was a hot boy summer for him”

expo marker landed on the metal thing for once thanks to a towel that was there

kyle (it must have been a story or something i dont remember)

He woah’d at some point

HAHA so there was a kid in my class that had got caught with a bong on the second week of school and he was suspended. when he came back to class, we were going over what the south grew in the U.S. very early on into colonization. and he used the bong kid as an example of a tobacco farmer

tried to eat a balled up paper

“important revolutionary war stuff”

“My bae, George Washington”

“They could’ve killed g-dubz, but they didn’t”

called george washington “g-dubz” frequiently

“Facts”

“Swagtastic”

he got excited over a military general (baron friedrich von steuben) for being a gay military general--”That was very well respected!”

“He had a ton of swagger”--referring to ben franklin

“His nickname was the swamp fox. You guys can call me that”

The snowball fight story--his brother was friends with a kid he hated next door. my teacher challenged the kid--Eric--to a snowball fight. In preparation, my teacher had froze snowballs, and so when he did have the fight, he LITERALLY knocked Eric out and left him on the front lawn unconscious (he was an elementary school kid)

one time he gave us the punishment quiz by accident, tried to make up for it by giving everyone the answer to #6. however, it turned out to be wrong so he just gave us all 100′s instead

another military story of the goat he bought from an old man with his buddies. unfortunately they had to kill the goat to eat, but the FACT that my teacher said this “a cute little goat--you know, baaa?” as if we didn’t know what a goat was

He was the golf/hockey coach!! so not only would he talk about beating up the kids in the golf club

he would also do random golf swings all the goddamn time! with no gold club or ball, it was just air.

“You are about to get clowned, young lady”

pronounced pamphlet as pamplet fora good part of his teaching career (another story he told us)

“It’s definitely not the declaration of independence you mouth breather!”

George washington = bae on a powerpoint

“you tied me up real good”

“France also popped off”

Compares the Connecticut compromise to ppap (with the song and everything!)

Told someone to shut up after they suggested that Iowa was the least populated state (he’s from Iowa)

hick iowa, to be exact

Wrote 23 as 32, realized his mistake and said “oop im dyslexic”

“If it’s a purge, I’m killing everybody”

“Federalism, not onion!’

“Who’s the dumbass guy? Ducey!” (our state governor)

he got arrested once. his mugshot is on google images and everything

he got arrested bc some guy was destroying his house w a baseball bat at a party his friendw as throwing (but it was at my teachers house). my teacher respectfully punched him and brought him to the front lawn. called the cops when the guy wouldnt leave and ended up being arrested too. teacher thought his career was over and threatened the guy the entire way to the police station

“laugh out loud!”

“We beat the begeezus out of a bunch of british people”

pronounced wolf as woof

“Who was his daddy? Who’s his daddy?”

Called a swim cap a bonnet

“Kick!”--then proceeds to kick a tennis ball. before that he had just thrown it to get out of his way

“Jesus, you’re a big boy”

for like 2 weeks straight he used that same tennis ball to try and erase a whiteboard. and im not talking rubbing it on the board, he fucking threw it at the wall, getting it off little by little. he eventually gave up, though

“I’ll snot rocket into the trash can”

“Cause I realize most of you are morons”

was obsessed with the cowboy boogie

“Every time I cough, my tail bone hurts”

“Do i look normal?”

“I look like an old man”

“Shut up your faces”

“I see you back there, queen”

“Some of you girls need to learn from this article”--the article was old & about girls being submissive

“that would hurt some people’s feelings, but I’m not gonna show it hurt mine”

“He’s just--’meow’”--about his cat

he had a sweater that had his face on it, photoshopped over a boxer that a student gave him. he wore it during winter

flicked a tennis ball across the room with a hockey stick. hit the coffee thermo on his desk, stared for a couple of seconds, and THEN realized that it was open

First off, all you kids making memes about dodging the draft--we don’t want your dumbasses anyway” --continued to rant for a few minutes after that

he HATED the national anthem with a burning passion

“I’m old as shit”

also, his cat’s name IS meow cat

more expo marker throwing

“Hey there handsome”-- to the teacher next door

“Henry clay is going to haunt you until april” (unfortunately we didnt make it that far into the school year bc of covid. disappointed that i didnt get to be haunted)

Singing electric avenue

“but here’s the tea”

“Flagstaff is like--” *reaches as high as he can to put expo marker on the wall

“I’m adopting all of you, and we’re moving to saudi arabia”

teacher: “I’m gonna break bowers kneecaps in front of you. you still want to be on strike?” not bowers but a different kid: “no...?”

Cleaned the shades in the middle of him explaining something

“You know your pinky toe? this little roast beef?”

THE TURTLE SOUP STORY. when my teacher was still a kid, he found a turtle in the wild, and brought it to his grandparents house (they owned a farm). he took care of the turtle for a while, even after his grandfather found out. until one day he came home and saw blood everywhere, went to find the turtle to see it was gone. then found his grandfather chopping up the fucking turtle so they could have it for soup for dinner. his grandfather literally made him fatten up the turtle so they could eat it

“Did mr.*****--?” (referring to himself in 3rd person, also blocked out to protect privacy)

“i’m going to staple your nostrils closed. staple, staple. ‘I can’t breathe mr.*****!’ should’ve done your DBQ!!”

his pedo stache

stood with a paper and smiled, thinking that a student was taking a picture of him when it was really the paper

doesn’t know who gaston is???

him: “I’m going to staple your noses together. One staple” Student: “*****’s piercing parlor!”

*singing* “beauty and the beast”

“I’m going to tackle you”

more random golf swinging

“What’s up (my name)?” me: hi *he then hits the bun on the top of my head on his way in the door*

And he did it again the next day

he literally made kids compete with pastries

which reminds me, he brought donuts in 2 days in a row like a week after that and make us (his first hour) take bites bc he realized he didn’t want to eat it. one of the girls was glad to take it from him, everyone else told him no

“Good morning (my name) how are you?” me: “I’m sick again... do you need help? (with the door)” him; “Actually, yes” (normally he can open the door even when his hands are full but there was a stack of pop tart boxes that were as tall as him so) i opened the door, he goes in and says, “thank you (my name), for not being rude”

the following quotes are for the Hot Seat

Student: “what do you do--?” him: “you’re in the hot seat!”

“Some people cry”

“La *****, luxurious”

“You sit here, and you stare (into the projector light)”

basically everyone in the class had to answer a question as a review. there was a stool in front of the smartboard, perfectly placed so that the projector light would LITERALLy be in your eyes. i actually got the question right on some miracle.

“2 points of weed?”

“Can I get some of that hot leaf?”

“They will make more drugs! You can’t do that much drug!”

“You guys bullied me and stole it”

“Whole rest of the nation sucked an egg”

“Whelp, let’s just kill myself”

“Do you guys know david chapel?” *sigh when everyone says no*

*some girls singing the national anthem* Him: “no! none of this, none of this!”

“Calibri’s for idiots” (the font)

“The only thing that was in--shit”

“and uncle sam--gettin lit”

“Their daddy--UH--”

“They’re going to blame the jews--my people” (he got a dna test done, he’s not actually jewish)

“Whatever you say, boomer”

“Use my words to plagiarize in college”

“I’m jewish, that’s offensive”

“Tell him he gave me instant cancer”

Me: “can i go to the bathroom?” him: “I’ll allow it”

him: “He’s antisemetic and it hurts my feelings” student: “what does that mean again?” him: “Hates jews :(”

“You guys can call me kingfish if you’d like”

~ after we said no to the nicknames, we tried to make one for him ~

student: “cornhusker!” him: “no, that’s offensive... and it’s also nebraska”

student: “corn picker!” him: “no--that sounds like a racist term or something”

“Unless corona really does take over--” (thank u, mr. for ruining the school year”

Student: “how old was she (his mom) when she had you?” him: “thirteen”

“My mom just turned 40 the other day...” (a joke)

him: “My brother got t-boned by a semi truck last night” Student: “Why are you laughing?” him: “Because he lived.”

“Yeah bc I would hide out in a public school with 300 new kids a year” (about him not living in iowa so he’s hiding out in az to get away from his “criminal record” (refer to the 1 time hes been arrested))

“Baby death?”

“Their family has more money than jesus”

*Standing outside the door yelling “CORONA” to students walking in”

“Hey I’m *****, f-word, blah, blah”

“We should fight our cats.”

“OH that’s a big chonk cat.”

“Mortal Kombat is pretty cool. I haven’t played in 25 years”

he told us in class once that we shouldnt open the front door if cops show up at a party. just to shut the blinds and be a little quieter bc the cops cant legally open the door

also one time he had a gun pointed to his face but he never finished that story bc he never liked it

during quarantine he set a DBQ as 1000 points (and i still didnt do it)

and “Here’s the tea, kiddos!”

honorable mentions: all the time he’s sent out emails bc theyre fucking hilarious

#ilguna #high school #gen z

6 notes · View notes

blackwolfnsr2 · 4 years

Text

Template made by Rosewee on Amino.

Also this was made in March-

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Basics

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« "I enjoy being in your company, Asra...Thank you for giving me a chance when no one else would." »

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• Name:

[C]Sk'lai Cymatilis Chase

• Nickname(s)/Titles:

None

• Age:

22 years old

• Birthday:

March 4th

• Zodiac Sign:

Pisces

• Gender/Sex:

Female

• Pronouns:

She/Her

• Orientation:

Bisexual (Attracted to Males and Females)

• Species:

Cursed Humans with dragon like properties. (Horns, Tail, Blue Cat-Like Eyes, Pointed Ears with Ice Blue Ruff behind her ears, Scaled and Clawed Arms and Legs.)

• Race/Ethnicity:

White/Caucasion, but has developed a tan like apperance.

• Arcana:

Temperance (The Dove)

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Appearance/Physical Traits

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[BCI]« "My name is Sk'lai Chase, your Highness. Asra's apprentice. It's an honor to be in your presence." »

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• Height:

[C] 5'7"

• Weight:

163.3 Pounds

• Body type/build:

Endomorph, but a little more on the skinnier side. Bust is average, but nothing too small or large. Hips are seen to give her a small, noticable curve on her body.

• Skin:

Like Asra's skin tone, but a few shades lighter. Her arms and mid thighs have a gradual shift from skin to scales due to her dragon like appearance. Small freckles under her eyes. Scales feel much like how you touch a snake, specifically like viper scales; smooth with a slight bumpy texture.

• Hair:

Long and black, usually in a braid that she taught herself to do. If you're lucky, you might catch her with her hair down on the rare occassion.

• Eyes:

Medium almond shape that are a dark cyan. Pupils are darker blue, but not to where it's black. (Noticable to where you see the pupils, but they are abnormally colored due to her curse since birth)

• Distinguishing features:

Dragon/Reptilian like features on body.

• Clothing:

Clothing Redesign is a WIP atm.

• Physical health:

Great Health with the occassional sickness. Little more likely to fall ill during the spring because of allergy to tulip and daffodil pollen.

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Personality/Interests

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• Personality:

Sk'lai is a kind soul and is known to be very patient, as well as having a close bond with her friend and mentor, Asra. She's selfless and makes extra sure that others get a say before herself, having a mentality that everyone deserves to speak their mind. Sk'lai enjoys reading Terot Cards and listening to them, always making sure to clear her mind so she can hear their voices. Sk'lai can often be labeled as uptight or a "goody-two-shoes," according to Julian anyway, and often has trouble letting loose or breaking rules. She beleived that rules were made for a reason and shouldn't be broken. But will a little bit of convincing, you might just get this dragon to come out of her shell. She isn't exactly outgoing, but she isn't introverted and softspoken either; in fact she resides just in the middle, but would sometimes rather stay at the shop than go out or vice versa. She enjoys the company of those that she is familier with, however, she may need to warm up to trust strangers and those she doesn't recognize. Sk'lai has a bit of temper and is quick to annoy when things don't go her way on a constant bases, so if Sk'lai is seen to be in a bad mood it's best to try and comfort her a little bit. Sk'lai also has very little to no romantic experience, she hasn't even had her first kiss yet at the age of 20 (sad really.). This makes her easy and quick to fluster and red-faced when given any sort of affection (kissing on the cheek, compliments on looks, arms around her waist, hands on her cheeks, etc.)

• Likes:

❤️Practicing Magic❤

❤️Terot Card Readings❤️

❤️Summer❤️

❤️Sunsets❤️

• Dislikes:

❌Thunderstorms❌

❌Being stared at for her appearance❌

❌Leeches (No, seriously, don't show her leeches out of their cages/jars. High key, will nope out of there when given the chance.)❌

• Fears:

👻Heights (Phobia)👻

👻Thunderstorms👻

👻Long Words (don't ask, it just makes her very uncomfortable.)👻

👻Leeches (Phobia. Also, lookin' at you, Julian-)👻

• Habits

🧠Ruff/Frill twitches when she's trying to focus🧠

🧠Light snoring as she sleep🧠

🧠Tail tip flicks and sway while deep in thought (can sometimes lead her to spacing out altogether.)🧠

• Mental health:

Due to the abuse she has gotten from her father, Sk'lai has developed a nasty case of PTSD; however, she is slowly making a good recovery now that her nightmares have ceased. (When Sk'lai was first living with Asra, it was rather common for her to have nightmares.)

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Life

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• Current residence:

Magic Shop alongside Asra

• Relationships:

Very poor relationship with her father, as she's been abused by him for several years. However, since Asra took Sk'lai under his wing and taught her magic and how to stabilize and control it. Asra and Sk'lai's relationship is very tightknit, however, Sk'lai may be developing feelings for Asra. She keeps these feelings to her self or brushes them off completely.

• Occupation:

Asra's Apprentice/Shop Keeper

• Hobbies:

🎯Spending Time with her Familier, Jewel, a small blue/white budgie parakeet🎯

🎯Playing her Panflute🎯

🎯Stargazing🎯

• Skills:

🏆Water Manipulation Magic🏆

🏆Fire Manifestation & Manipulation Magic🏆

🏆Light Magic (Just an orb of light the size of a golf ball is used as an illumination)🏆

🏆Minor Healing Magic (Works well on cuts, scrapes, bruises, and burns.)🏆

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Rate your character from 1-10 on these attributes

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« "I don't like the looks of this...Julian, you got a plan...?" »

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• Physical strength:

7/10

• Agility:

9/10

• Constitution:

7/10

• Precision:

6/10

• Charisma:

6/10

• Judgement:

4/10

• Intelligence:

8/10

[CI]• Wit

7/10

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Preferences

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« "It's such a pleasure to make your acquaintance!" »

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• Favorite flower:

Blue Orchid

• Favorite food:

Cheesecake

• Favorite drink: Blackberry Cider (Alcoholic)

• Love Interest(s):

Asra, Julian, Lucio (NOT AT THE SAME TIME. Sk'lai is too loyal and empathetic to cheat on her significant other!)

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Trivia

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Her favorite candies are usually chocolates, but she LOVES mint-infused and milk chocolate! Give her some mint-chocolate and you have a dragon friend for life!

Sk'lai once tried playing a lute, but due to her sharp claws, she couldn't even play he first note...which is why she stays away from stringed instruments and more on wind instruments. She has her own panflute that Asra gave her for her 18th birthday!

Her familier is a blue/silver budgie named Jewel, who she's still learning how to communicate with. Sk'lai rescued the poor thing from nearby allyway and nursed it back to health.

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End

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« Thanks for using this template!! Happy creating!! »

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#The Arcana #Arcana #fan apprentice #arcana oc #oc #Profile Template

13 notes · View notes

skzm7 · 4 years

Text

MOBEIUS

BEEZLEBUB’S PURPLE KISS

BUBBLED UP TO SCAR

ITCHIN’ WITH SOMEONE’S SIN

FIRED UP IMPLODING FIST

FEELIN’ FEINT K.O.’ED

SCARLET STAMPED CRAZY! KID

USELESS SHADOW BOXING WALL IS NUMB

JAB HOOK UPPERCUT WHO?

THERE’S A HELTER SKELTER IN SKY CITY

COUNTDOWN TIL IT CLICKS KID

YOU GOT A BAD CASE OF

WACKO BONKERS LOOPY!

TEN NINE EIGHT

HEY SEVEN

HEYSIX

WAKE UP FIVE

COME BACK TO EARTH

PUT ON FOUR YOUR

THINKING CAP THREE AND GLOVES

ROUND 2 FIGHT!

WIPE OFF THAT STICK

GET YOUR BOTTLE OF LIGHTNING

THROW IT TO THE GROUND

CRACK IT OPEN

YOU’RE TOO BRILLIANT TO BE KEPT IN

LET THE LIONS ROAR LOOSE

FILL UP THE STADIUM

THE MAN WITHIN

DOESN’T GET OUT YOUR ILL

BOX THE OLD WOUNDS DREAMING

AND GET REAL

FALLOUT OF MEMORIES

ROOTED TO FEELINGS

CHAINSAW! HAHAHA

I‘M YOUR SECOND COMING!

SLIDE ON MY LIPS

ENJOY LIKE MANY

THE GRAND CHESSBOARD

OF EBONY AND IVORY

IT’S IN YOUR NATURE

TO GIVE YOURSELF IN

I THINK YOUR SMILE

HAS TOO MANY TEETH

FOR A SALESMAN

DING DING ROUND

3, MIND IS MESSY

BODY SO ORPHAN THIN

YOU CAN SEE THE HEARTBREAK

THROUGH THE SKIN

I CAN DO THIS SO WHY AM I TRIPPING?

BANANA SLIP HEAD SPLITTING

BRAIN FREEZE NO ICE CREAM

BUSY B’S SHADOW BECKONS ME DIVE IN

I WRITHE I WRESTLE I CAVE IN

I KNOW BETTER BUT I’M TOO BUSY DYING

NO ONE SEES MY HEAD’S PURPLE FIRE

DROWNING UNDER THE SURFACE

THESE CANNOT BE MY LAST WORDS

THESE CANNOT BE MY LAST!?

THIS CANNOT BE MY LAST CHANCE

THIS CANNOT BE MY LAST

GASP!

ENTER YOUR UTOPIA

THROUGH THIS GLASS OF MIND

KALEIDOSCOPE VISUAL

TAKE THE CLOCK WITH YOU

SIT ON MY LAP GOOD BOY!

SANTA’S LIST IS INSTANT HERE

YOU’RE A NEW BORN PHENOMENON

NO CREDIT CARD HISTORY

NO RESPONSIBILITY

NO RISK IN THIS

LABYRINTH OF VISIONARY

I’LL HOLD YOUR HAND

I’LL BE YOUR CANARY

FORGET BEING A VICTIM OF CONSCIENCE

WHEN RELIVING YOUR PAST IS SO

M MM MMM DEEEELICIOUS!

AND YOUR LOVED ONES ON EARTH

DON’T NEED YOU ANYWAY

THIS IS WHERE YOU ALWAYS WIN

HERE’S A SICKLE

PLAY GOLF WITH YOUR ENEMIES HEADS

IT’LL TICKLE

HEY WHERE AM I WHAT THE

HELL AM I DOING?

GOING FOR A BIRDIE

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

IN THIS BERMUDA TRIANGLE ZOO

HOURS AND SENSES WHAT DID I DO?

MY COMPASS TURNED INTO A U

DIDN’T REALISE I WAS SO BAD

MAD REVENGE NEVER ENDS

NOW I GOT A CLUE HOW IT STARTED

BECAUSE YOU WERE A COWARD

AND YOU DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE

HERE YOU HAVE A VOICE

NO! YOU’RE THE PLACEBO EFFECT GONE WRONG

THOUGHT IT WAS WORKING WHEN IT’S BROKE

DIAMOND MIND REFLECT IN STEAD OF WOKE

BECAUSE YOU’RE SICK

AND THIS IS YOUR SONG

WHAT’S THE POINT PLAYING

IF YOU CAN NEVER LOSE A GAME

TIME’S UP WHERE’S THE GONG

YOUR AUCTION IS UP AND

BONG! YOU’RE SOLD

I GOT SO DARK I FORGOT THE SUN

BECAUSE THE NIGHT IS MORE FUN

WHERE’S THE ALARM WHERE’S THE PINCH?

RING RING! IT’S GROUNDHOG DAY BITCH!

ROUND 4 SAW THE PEN AS MIGHTIER

BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF WORDS

WHEN MONSTERS ONLY HEAR

THE POINT OF THE SWORD

I DECLARE WAR!

LIFT EXCALIBER FROM THE STONE

RECLAIM THE THRONE

IT’S MY RIGHT TO OWN

START A QUEST TO SLAY AND SLICE

THESE SNAKES HISS IN MY HAIR AND DICE

I’VE PAID THE PRICE MEDUSA VANITY

LET’S DESTROY THIS PLACE

WITH DYNAMITE SANITY

DOES YOUR MIND SWIM IN PURPLE FIRE HM?!

MY BURNING EFFIGY?

WRITHING AGONY

WINDOW SHOPPING WAYS TO VICTORY

LAY IN BED CONTINUE THE LIE

WITH NARCISSISTIC OCD

PARANOID ANDRIOD DELUSION DEFICIENCY

SHOOORYUUUUKEN!

GETTING DESPERATE ARE WE?

COULD I INTEREST YOU IN AN ALTER EGO?

OR ARE YOU ALREADY FULL OF YOURSELVES MY DEAR?

WELL YOU’RE HARD TO IGNORE

FLIPSIDE OF THE COIN

YOU’RE THE PASSENGER

I GOT THE RADIO

SEE I REMEMBER

BEING DEALT A BAD HAND

FROM THE REALER

MADE ME LEAVE THE TABLE

BECAME MY OWN DEALER

BUT ALL I KNEW WAS THE BAD HAND

KEPT ON PLAYING WONDERLAND

DOUBLED DOWN ON WHAT IF’S

INSTEAD OF I WILL

CLIMB OUTTA THE RABBIT HOLE

BRACE YOURSELF BUSY B

THIS MIGHT HURT A LITTLE

YOU’RE GONNA NEED A PLASTER

‘CAUSE I’M WELDING PETER VENKMAN’S GHOSTBUSTER ZAPPER

YAWN I’M CROSSING THE STREAMS

PAWN TO TURN INTO A KING

ROUND 5

BLACK ALWAYS LAUGH’S LAST

BECAUSE WHITE MOVES FIRST

TO FALL INTO THE TRAP

TIPPY TOES TO THIS BUZZ

FADE YOU HYPNOTIC TO WHO AM I? FUZZ

SEND YOU FIRST CLASS TO WHERE ICE BURNS

WORSE BEFORE I GET BETTER

WHERE HEAVY IS THE HOLLOW

WHERE AGONYS END’S

IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW

WHERE SOULS ARE SPLIT TO LICK

SWEET SICK TO SWALLOW

WEAKER BEFORE I GET STRONGER

ABORT THE PLAN

REWIND ESCAPE ATTEMPTS

MICE OF MAN

HEY THE TRAP IS LOOSE BUT

I WILL WIN

CIRCUMSTANCE SNIP! OOPS SORRY!

CIRCUMCISION MISSED THE CUT

BALLS GOT LOST WITH THE MARBLES

KERPLUNK!

I WILL SWIM

SIX DRINKS DEEP

WALKING AUTOPSY TURVY

IMPRESS AN INVISIBLE AUDIENCE

AND LOOK AT ME! TROPHY

I WILL MAKE SENSE

I WILL BECOME KING

YOUR BODY’S OUT OF ORDER

TAKE THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

FIND AIZEN AT THE DOOR

TAKE A TEARS HINT YOU’RE GOING DOWN

WHERE NEVER IS THE FLOOR

THIS IS EASY PULL OUT THE STITCH

I CAN BAMBOOZLE YOU SO MUCH

I’M INSIDE OUT LETS SWITCH

JUPITER CAN YOU SEE THE SPOT I’M IN?

I’VE BEEN UP AND DOWN

WITH CHOICE AND REASON

NOTICE PICKING NOTHING

NEVER BEEN IN SEASON

FASHION DISASTER

THIS MAN WENT MISSING IN ACTION

SAVE THE MILK CARTON

TAKE YOUR PSYCHO STAMP AND COLLAR

I’LL GET US HELP KISS IT BETTER

MAKE US SOUND

THIS YO-YO SOUL’S TURNED THE TABLES A

ROUND! 6 I’M ALWAYS BESIDE

A PART OF PERSONALITY

MOBEIUS SHYS

UNTIL IT MADE ME

MEMORY WITH A TWIST OF FANTASY

SOON GAVE ME A VOICE OF MALICE

NOW IT’S MY TURN TO EAT WONDERLAND’S ALICE

AND WITH PURPLE STAINED LIPS MWAH!

PIERCE THIS PSYCHIC PLACE RAW

SHOUT HALLEYUYAH AND A REST IN PEACE

SO PRINCE BEEZLEBUB CAN RISE TO THE SEAT

ALL THE WOMEN I WANT TO KISS

ALL THE MEN I WANT TO KICK

THIS WORLD I WANT TO RULE

I’M THE ONE WHOS GONA LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER FUCK

YOUUUAAAYOURRRCANTRRDOGGTHISHHHWITHHHHOUTHHMYAASAYSO!

ROUND 7!!!

THISISMYSCREAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

I’LL BE MY OWN HERO

LET ME LIVE GET MY SOUL SURE

FIND A GOOD HAND

TO RAISE ME UP

MAKE A STAND

BE WHOLE ONCE MORE

SPEAK THE TRUE

BREAK MOBEIUS’ ILLUSION

DOUBT WHAT NO ONE ELSE SENSES - FAITH IN ABILITY

WHEN THEY SWAP SEATS ON BELIEFS SEESAW

YOU’LL KICK YOUR OWN ASS

AND STROKE YOUR ELBOW

RECREATING EVENTS LOST MY

MEMORYS LOGIC OF WHAT’S NEXT

MOVE FORWARD OR BE

STUCK IN THE MUD WITH YOUR INVISIBLE FRIEND?

THINK I FOUND MY HAPPY THOUGHT

HEY PIXIE I CAUGHT MY SHADOW

SORRY I SPLIT LICKEDY LET’S GO

BUSY B AIN’T GOING DOWN EASY

BORN A FIGHTER FROM CHAOS FIRE

ORIGINAL PRIMORDAL METAPHYSICAL DESIRE

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE KID JUST RETIRE

THIS IS MY POWER THIS IS MY HOUR

TO TAKE BACK WHO I AM

AND GET OUTTA L.A.’S TRAFFIC JAM

DISCOVERY IS THE WISH OF THE SOUL

ROAD RAGE BREAK OUT INEVITABLE

NO ONE CAN SOLVE THIS ALONE

IF YOU ARE YOUR OWN PROBLEM

I’M THE MYSTERIOUS WAY

CAVE TO MY SAY

IN HERE I’M KING

I’M THE PURPOSE

YOU’RE THE HORSE

YOU SERVE ME

LOOK UP AS YOU

BOW BEFORE BUB

RATHER TAKE ON THE WORLD

BRAVE DON’T FEAR THE GRAVE

FACE THE MUSIC

FACE THE ENEMY

ANSWER’S ALREADY HERE

SEEING GHOULS OF DEMISE

OR ANGELS IN DISGUISE

ONLY THAT YOU DECIDE

NO ONE EVER FAUGHT FOR YOU

I WAS TEACHING YOU HOW TO FIGHT

ALL YOU NEEDED IS THE SIGHT

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

WALLS OF STEEL AND STONE ARE A WEAK PRISON

MIRRORED WALLS OF SKIN AND BONE

THEY’VE DONE THEIR JOB PRETTY

SURE YOU’RE TOO LATE THIS IS

ALL MINE FOR THE TAKING

MY HEART’S PURE

YOU CAN’T PUNCH THIS LIGHT

OUT OF MY FUTURE

EITHER SHAKE MY HAND OR EAT MY FIST

STEP BACK INTO THE RING

LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT KID

THINK I’M GONNA BE ALRIGHT

I GOT WORK TO DO

LET’S FIGHT!

***

From “The Silent Album”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08DHMQ673

#music #songs #lyric #book #songwriter #album #art #artist #musician #writer #thesilentalbum #rap #hiphop #eminem #drdre #kendrick #beastie boys #mind #mental health #rapbattle #vs #fight

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steve0discusses · 5 years

Text

Yugioh S3 Ep20-21: Everyone's Gonna Die For Like the 3rd Time

So a few days ago I kinda tossed my phone at my bro and I was like “listen, it’s dead, don’t ask why this has happened, but I can’t get it to boot. I don’t even want to deal with it right now. I’m so over it. You fix it.” And so he fixes it by doing a factory reset and was like “so...what happened?” and I was like “I can’t say right now, it is too embarrassing.”

So, keep that story in the back of your mind as we go into this episode.

It’s a Final Threat like a Final Fantasy sort of meaning of the word Final, I see.

Anyways, a review:

Anyways, Noah has a superpower now that uses these pink balls of power. There’s only 6 of them, so it’s not quite Dragonball, unfortunately. They have some writing on them but I don’t know enough Duolingo to tell you what it is right now.

Especially since I kind of stopped using Duolingo a few months back, so now all of my limited Hiragana and few scattered kanji are gone forever. Thanks brain, glad I spent like a year trying to learn that. Domo. What I tried to go and do in order to read half my twitter feed.

YEP. THAT’S RIGHT.

Yugioh broke my freakin phone.

So anyways, I tried doing a reverse image search on my PC, which is how I got Calligraphy up there. Which I realllllly don’t think is uh...the word. Then, by using a handwriting reading website I got “to fight”, but because I have pretty BAD handwriting in English even, and because I don’t know the order of strokes for really any kanji at all, that was the only one I could find.

If y’all know Japanese, I’d be very curious as to what these are. It’s probably related to something vaguely religious as that’s been Noah’s MO this whole game.

And yes, now that my phone works again, I could just try and re download Google Translate, and give it another go, but this image might actually be cursed, as is Yugioh tradition.

(read more under the cut)

But before we do anything in this upcoming duel, Pharaoh wants to make sure to immediately tell Noah he’s a freakin weirdo as quickly as possible.

Noah is not that surprised. I mean Noah is a computer brain that’s been isolated for 6 years before going cray, he does not care if Yugi thought he were the king of England. Which Yugi was once in a spinoff game, the King of England.

We get a little explanation as to why Noah has such a God Complex (without playing a single God card, ironically) in that he likes to play this rare deck that Pegasus made that I guess Kaiba and Yugi sort of forgot about? I don’t blame them, I would also try to forget about this deck.

I like that no matter where Pegasus travels, he puts on that same Banana Republic khaki white-person uniform and just marches out there. The same outfit he wears digging in Egypt is the same outfit he wears visiting Indonesia or India or Canada wherever this is.

This is probably somewhere famous, but I don’t recall it off the top of my head, forgive me. There are a lot of massive relief sculptures in Asia.

Anyways, after that one travel through the vaguely East/South East, Pegasus had a *phase.*

Now listen, I don’t really think it’s my job as a reviewer to say if shoving vaguely religious/mythical/cultural iconography into playing cards is a good idea or a bad idea, because that’s been talked to death in a million other articles you can just go and read. Every art piece has it’s own reason to exist, and every artist is their own person with their own unique life experience. I have had to sit through so much weird ass installation art and avante garde performance art, that I have learned solely one thing about art critique. I am not art Jesus. I cannot save a piece, I cannot condemn a piece. So, I will not throw down, and I will not prop up--unless of course it is weird little shorts on your main villain matched with long black golfing socks--but I am allowed to say--

...huh?...

Remember how about ten or so episodes ago I was like, low key a little confused that it appeared like Yugioh was waltzing casually into religion territory? Remember how I was like “dude do they realize this is a reference to Lazarus? Like, they’re saying Kaiba could have been THE Lazarus?” Remember when I thought that was a big deal?

Well, Yugioh turned to itself and was like “hold my beer” and then just straight up outdid itself in so many weird ways. And don’t get me wrong, most of these cards are overall fine, nothing really all that shocking, but still like...

...OK, kid’s show. I’m sure all the children in the audience understood the references in this 100%.

Also, the fact that Noah is like “I turned to somewhat religious deities from antiquity to fight your ass” is kind of funny when you recognize he’s fighting a literal Pharaoh who has like 2000 of them of them under his belt already (counting himself). Like, nice job, Noah, you got like...12 in that deck? Congrats.

Anyway, Noah and his slightly problematic deck gets thrown by a bunch of Yugi’s cards and then Noah just plops right out of this giant dude. Or dudette. I didn’t really catch the gender on the Seraphim that is actually a fairy card. But, it was like Noah was being birthed for a second time. Well, third time, if you count when he was reborn as a robot.

So long story short, now he’s a boy again.

Noah had the foresight to put his clothes back on before he fell out of this gigantic robot god thing who’s name I’ve forgotten. A shame, it would’ve been a good gag to just see how long it takes Noah to realize he’s ass naked when he’s a robot who has no sense of touch. Or...body.

Anyways, Yugi’s friends immediately start doing what they do best, which is to trashtalk the other team so badly that it would get you tossed out of most sporting events. It backfires on them not just once but...several times, and I’m telling you, it is surprising that they never actually learned in this entire episode that all they ever had to do was shut their mouth and stop backseating.

But apparently, it’s courageous to catcall your opponent. Its a sign of undying friendship as per Yugioh law.

Anyways, we’re gonna get death 169 this episode, so stop scrolling right now and then think to yourself--who’s it gonna be. Who’s gonna be death 169?

Some of you (all of you) might know this show by heart but for those who haven’t (none of you), this’ll be our little interactive portion.

OK, here we go.

YESSSSS HE FINALLY DIED.

I knew that if I kept saying “Duke will die next” that eventually the dice fall in my favor. It took like 5 or 6 deaths before this actually happened, but can I say “called it?” Is that allowed? I’m gonna say “called it” and pretend that I called this.

Although, unfortunately, I did not call everything.

Wow, Tristan won the shipping wars! All of them! He’s death 169! So NICE!

I did not predict that at all, I honestly thought that 169 would be Duke, and Bro thought it would be Kaiba. We were both so wrong.

It makes sense though. Like he is the littlest horny monkey here. He deserves 169.

Anyway, then the sad stuff starts piling up. Just like so much sadness at once. Yugioh does not pace sadness like, at all, so you never get a chance to grieve since so many deaths are back to back in this show. And by back to back I mean, they play only one round of cards in between each death.

The writing team was so excited to kill everyone off, that it was the fastest rounds of cards I’ve ever seen this show play. We should tempt them with killing off their core cast more often.

So, seeing that half of his friends have been cursed with an eternity of being brain dead and living out their existence half alive in this weird digital universe, Pharaoh starts to doubt everything about his own abilities.

How weird is it to solve your ghost’s existential crisis when you’re trapped in some VR world he shouldn’t be able to exist in anyway?

But youknow, Pharaoh does this sometimes. Sometimes Pharaoh just gets really anxious if not enough people are telling him “It’s OK, Pharaoh, you’re basically a God. You already died once even so how could it possibly be worse? You’ll probably be OK!”

It’s the typical Yugi meltdown that accompanies every Yugi duel, except Pharaoh style, so it’s lower pitched and his hair is a little bit taller.

Noah tries to take advantage of this lapse of confidence, but Pharaoh’s melt down isn’t quite enough to make him quit a game.

Again, Noah seems constantly shocked that all of Kaiba’s friends and Kaiba himself are just incapable of putting cards down and walking away. This is like the 4th time he’s begged these kids to just stop and they just kept going.

And then, it’s time for the romance of the ages that we completely forgot existed. That’s right, shippers rejoice, YugixTea is back on the table, and it’s entirely because everyone else is dead.

Show, can you even be bothered? Like I feel so bad for y’all who shipped the canon ship because they just...forgot about y’all like...a lot.

But don’t worry, it’s still very vague, and instead of giving any sort of sentimental dialogue, Tea is just going to tear into Noah like a yummy sandwich.

Also, Tea thinks that Pharaoh has control over turning people to stone, that’s a weird thing she thinks now.

I mean for all I know, he can totally do this. Why the hell not? Go ahead, Yugioh. Surprise me.

And then...Noah just kept her alive a little longer?

I know that he was turning people into stone every turn but did I hear that wrong or did he seriously take a turn longer to freeze Tea, just to spite her?

What is it with the Kaiba’s and Tea? I make jokes that she’s the Mom of this mess of a family, but even Noah let her live way longer than anyone else here.

He got over it, though.

And then Pharaoh decided to die.

Like he wasn’t actually dead, he was just low on lifepoints, and was like....that’s it. I’m done. Goodbye world. It was a good couple of years that I haunted the Hell out of everybody through this weird, very strange child. See you next Millennium.

And then he just kind of took a nap.

Like canonically, Pharaoh just took a nap in the middle of this duel. He is out for like...kind of a while.

Pharaoh melt-downs are kind of the worst because they do seem to involve him completely shutting down. At least in this game, he isn’t lying completely flat on his face, as I have seen him do in a duel before.

PS How does this work?

I know I’m not supposed to think about it, and I’ve held back on talking about it for 20 episodes but like...Noah uploaded the mind of Yugi. Not Pharaoh.

Pharaoh’s mind is attached to Yugi through the puzzle...but the puzzle is not attached to the computer in any way. While Yugi’s brain now has a labyrinth problem, that doesn’t mean that Pharaoh would even be here. He is a magical ghost attached to Yugi’s body which is Not Actually Here.

So like...how is this happening?

Can you seriously trap Pharaoh here in this realm? You can’t, right? Like it isn’t possible, he’s the only one who’s not ever actually here in the first place.

Like...Pharaoh should be able to just wake up in the pod, open the door, and walk right out of there, just like he did with Bakura in Season 1 when Yugi got turned into a playing card. Mind you, in Season 1, Yugi’s soul was dislodged and not his brain, but this just seems like a little bit of a retcon.

I have already thought about this more than the people who made this kid’s show, so I’ll let it go, but this is one of those things I have to try real hard not to think about because...

...if Noah has full control of all their brain functions and projects images on to their brain via hallucinations, then how can they hallucinate anything else? How can you pass out and have dreams?

Which doesn’t matter of course--this doesn’t matter to the plot really, as this is a kid’s show and so just go with it--but I have been thinking about this in the background for 20 episodes and this is where I kind of couldn’t ignore it anymore because we’re gonna dive into some hella weird territory, get ready.

So anyways, Yugi comes down like some sort of cherubic angel and it was very hammy and legit pretty funny I mean look at this.

If this were Sailor Moon, Yugi would be ass naked and have huge, beautiful fairy wings covered in holographic glitter and cherry blossoms.

I’d normally just put in a picture of the infamous last episode of Sailor Moon I’m referring to in order to make this joke complete, but knowing Tumblr I’d be flagged in like two milla-seconds because this blog gets flagged KIND OF A LOT FOR A RECAP BLOG OF A KID’S SHOW, but just google it for yourself and bear with me here cuz like,

These two?

Same energy.

I see this image and I can immediately hear that woodwind just bounce off the back of my brain. It’s like conditioned in me although I allllways skip the intro.

So in this dream/literal brain world reality that they’re walking through, despite being in a digital world, Yugi has stuffed some hand selected hallucinations that seem to have like...a personality embedded into each.

So...Yugi can just create clones in his head that act like he remembers his friends act.

Really interesting superpower there.

And yes, this does mean that Pharaoh not only has no long term memories, he flat out refuses to check on his short term data as well. He is just acting purely on a margarita mix of impulse and anxiety. He is such a freakin mess.

I can’t believe this guy went on a date once.

And like, of course this is all a metaphor for how even if your friends can’t be with you physically, their memory is enough to push you forward when you’re feeling all alone. It’s a nice moral of the story, it’s just that it’s a little spooky when it’s literal.

So yeah, Yugi has a fake Kaiba at all times just flinging insults at him from within his own mind. It’s one thing to say you got the voice of all your rivals, friends, and parents pressuring you in the back of your mind, but to literally have them always stowed there, trapped together in the back of your mind is...that’s very Yugi.

This kid needs so much help.

PS nice little frosting on the cake that that he does not store any family members in the short term memory zoo exhibit. Sorry Gramps, you were uninvited from this show in S2 when Bakura knocked you unconscious and you fell off screen and then we just...forgot to ever check up on you ever again.

I’m sure Gramps is probably fine.

DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.

I keep thinking about it and it never comes full circle. Just--the hearts of our dead friends are in these cards, although the friends we were just talking to were absolutely fake people that Yugi has copy-pasted into his clip board in his brain hut. Also, these cards were drawn before they would have given him these cards so they didn’t...actually give him cards. They just...lodged their hearts in there real good.

Although their minds are trapped in a weird rock state and their bodies are trapped in some pods...their hearts are good to go wherever.

It doesn’t matter, in the end, Yugi played a bunch of different moves--I want to say like all six cards in the longest and most complicated Yugioh turn in the history of the Earth--in order to finally end Noah.

I can’t have nice things.

Speaking of, I forgot to mention the most tragic death of this episode.

He may have been resurrected, but his soul was deffo disconnected with his body, or at least my PAD data (during Monster Hunter fest even) and all of my pictures and videos are gone. My auto correcting is also really effed up now, and it’s been auto correcting in kind of...really offensive ways...and I have no idea why because it’s only been rebooted for like...2 days. So it’s almost like my phone got resurrected as an evil person or something like it got Marik’d or something. Either way, I had a fun time explaining some texts at work that my dumbass phone decided were a cool idea.

The things I do for this side blog.

Anyway, if you just got here, this is a link where you can read these from the start in chrono order.

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bougiebutbalanced · 5 years

Text

An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there. This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt.

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself.

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle.

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last.

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.” Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery.

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day. I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain.

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave.

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war. Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love.

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure.

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric)

Love Me <3

#goal weight #weight loss journey #health #fitness #health and body #vegan #body postivity #love yourself #gratitude

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leejeongz · 6 years

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First date with Stray Kids

😅it’s not a reaction but anyways I hope you enjoy it,,, I wasn’t really sure how to make it into a reaction kinda thing😅

Bang Chan: his studio

Originally, the plan was that he’d meet you at jype and he’d show you around where he worked, which you did do for the first part of the date. He was so cute and his interactions with his seniors were adorable. When they asked who you were he replied with “ah this is my soon to be lover, y/n” which made them all extremely awkward and walk off leaving him to laugh with you.

After he showed you around, you stepped outside to say goodbye but it was raining and he knew you had to catch the bus even if the nearest bus stop was about a mile away. So instead he took you to the dorms which were a lot closer. Since it was raining, he threw his jacket over your shoulders which buried you but at least you were dry. When you got there he took you to his and Changbin’s shared room which was full of other music related stuff as expected.

He sat you down on his bed and began to show you the song making process. You seemed so interested in what he was saying he couldn’t help but ask if you wanted a go.

He sat watching you, amazed at your natural talent. He couldn’t help but kiss your cheek as you worked. You were definitely the one for him and he couldn’t wait to write songs about you and your beauty and what you do to him.

“With you here I’m gonna get a song done in 6 minutes”

Woojin: walking in the park

Woojin turned up for your date calm as anything, you’d never suspect that he was actually so panicked at home to the point where he almost made himself sick. He spent the whole morning planning the route and the snacks he was going to take. Luckily he knew you well enough to know your likes and dislikes.

When he arrived he was dressed in a casual shirt, jeans and white sneakers. This was his 64th outfit before chan got annoyed and dressed him but you of course had the same problem, asking all your closest friends what they thought of your outfits until you found one they all agree on. He wanted to look his best for you and you wanted to look your best for him. He hugged you and he smelt so gooooood (take notes smellies @ my school) but it wasn’t overpowering. You could smell mint, he definitely cleaned his teeth before he left and mouthwashed so you jokingly asked for a snack since you know that they’d taste horrible to him. But he gave you them, all of them, the whole bloody selection so you could pick.

As you walked he wouldn’t hold your hand, too afraid of you refusing or feeling awkward. When the date ended however, you stopped outside a fountain and he asked you to turn around to look at him. As he did so he grabbed both your hands in his and interlocked your fingers.

“I really enjoyed today, we definitely need to do it again” he said with a shy smile.

Lee Know: bowling

As soon as you agreed to go, you realised that Minho would probably be a sore loser after watching certain bits of footage. And it was true, he really was.

You decided to play 3 rounds, mainly so you could spend more time together. Minho tried his damn hardest to let you win at least 1 but he just couldn’t help but win. His “emotions” obviously got the better of him. If you ever got a strike he’d try to be happy and shout with you but inside he was bitter and working out how he would be able to get ahead of you.

When he did win surprise surprise he picked you up and spun you around. He obviously rubbed it in your face as much as he could over the burger you grabbed.

“But I helped Minho, without me you wouldn’t have had anyone to win against p. And anyway I didn’t lose, I actually came 2nd” you retorted which was able to get a laugh out of Minho.

To him you were the funniest person ever and he appreciated that you both had the same sense of humour. You were also the cutest thing ever with your giant burger.

“Bold of you to get a burger on a first date” he pointed out.

You ate the burger extra messily afterwards, just to get back at him, but honestly he didn’t care. To see you having fun... that’s what he cared about.

“I won which means I need a prize, how about a kiss before I go y/n??? And maybe another date?”

Changbin: Netflix at home

He set up the film on the tv, one you’d wanted to watch for so long but not wanted to watch alone... a horror movie. Changbin has watched it before but he didn’t mind watching it again, it was with you so he’d watch anything. When you arrived he slid across the laminate floor in his socks to the door and let you in, explaining that the members went out but in reality he kicked them out so they wouldn’t “cramp his style.”

He let you sit down on the couch and handed you a bowl of popcorn then plopped himself next to you with his already half eaten bowl of popcorn in his hand.

The film soon started becoming scary but you weren’t really afraid. Changbin was kinda sad that you weren’t looking at him for support. He wanted to hold you and protect you like in the movies. He took this opportunity however to scare you. You sat forward getting more into the film when the poked your side. The popcorn flew out of your hand and you let out a scream while Changbin sat silent laughing, clapping like a seal.

“Ya why would you do that bin?”

“I mean that’s the most I’ve been able to touch you all night, cmon y/n lie on my chest and put your arms around me already”

Hyunjin: paint balling

It was both of your first times paint balling but you’d heard all about it from your friends. They all seemed to enjoy it so why not? You and Hyunjin were thankfully on the same team to begin with but you soon wanted to change when Hyunjin started to tease you about how big your camo suit was on you.

“What? It looks cute y/n” he confessed trying to keep down his laugh.

The games began and you were both pretty bad at first but you soon got into it. Your team ended up winning but that definitely wasn’t because of you and Hyunjin. He accidentally shot you at one point thinking you were an opponent but then surrendered just so you could both be out together.

After paint balling you headed home. About half way there Hyunjin gingerly went to hold your hand. You looked over at him as he did so to catch him staring at your face. It made you pretty conscious so you started to touch your face with your other hand wondering if you had paint on it or something.

“Don’t worry y/n your face is perfect. But your helmet hair...”

Han: amusement park

You knew Jisung hated rides but it was his idea and you questioned him and he still went along with it so wth? He paid for you ticket and grabbed your hand straight away. He often saw other guys checking you out so his grip would sometimes tighten but you didn’t mind.

When he spotted the pirate shit he dragged you the complete other way which took you to one of the biggest rollercoasters in the park. He looked up in fear and you knew it was your turn to tighten your grip on his hand.

You both made your way up the steps and to the end on the line where you waited for hours, Jisung’s face getting paler and paler.

“We don’t have to go on if you don’t want to Jisung” you told him but he wanted to prove himself so when it was your turn to get on, he took you to sit right at the front.

You also sat nervously, both shaking as the countdown started, still holding hands tightly.

When you got off Jisung was green and so were you. You laughed at each other’s fear and went to grab a bottle of water from one of the take away places on the park.

After, you both felt much better and decided to hit up the laser ride. You had so much fun on that one, it was far less... violent... and gave you two time to find out a lot more about each other.

“Next time let’s just stay at home and relax or something”

Felix: karaoke

You met outside the karaoke place where of course he complimented you multiple times which put you at ease a little. He paid for the pair of you to go into a booth while you went and got two drinks from the vending machine. He later paid you back for the drink too which he thought was 100% the right thing to do because he’s sweet like that.

Admittedly, you were both apprehensive to sing in front of each other with the pressure of a microphone. You heard felix’s voice often since you obviously loved stray kids but he still wanted to do his best in front of you. Soon you both felt relaxed around each other and started messing about, not caring about the shame or embarrassment afterwards. It was the most fun you’d both had in a while and you were both thankful to the other for that.

You then sat down to drink together but it’s felix so you wouldn’t be able even to do this without him tipping your bottle back while you drank making too much come out and choking you. You hit him in return and he laughed, grabbing his arm as if in fake pain. After the laughing had blown over, you were now just looking at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Felix edged closer to you, soon planting a small kiss onto your lips.

“You are already making my time here on earth better, earthling”

Seungmin: mini golf

Seungmin and you were having so much fun! Everyone could see how much fun you were having by the huge smiles on your faces. Everyone could also see how perfect you were together. Whenever you potted the ball, you cheered and celebrated and honestly this was the best thing that Seungmin had ever laid his eyes on.

There was one really hard hole. You just didn’t seem to have the accuracy and reaction time so naturally you started to get lightly annoyed. (It was a stressful time we all understand.) Seungmin could see you were getting kinda stressed so he decided to help you and took the shot for you, getting it in in one go and yet still not rubbing it in your face.

After the actual mini golf, which he let you win, you guys grabbed some food. He insisted that he paid for it but you couldn’t let him do that after letting you win at such high stakes so you went halves which satisfied you both eventually. He was happy that you felt comfortable enough in front of him to eat and to stand up for yourself. He thought it was really cute of you to do that and he wasn’t afraid to tell you how cute you were either.

“Aw y/n stop throwing a tantrum, I’ll do it for you... baby”

I.N: shopping

Fashion icon Yang Jeongin was slightly intimidated by the thought of going shopping with you. What if you didn’t like the clothes he picked out? You were probably gonna laugh at him, he thought.

In fact you didn’t the complete opposite. It was amazing how he managed to create an outfit with anything. You let him pick an outfit for you and told you to try it on in the changing rooms. He sat and waited for you outside the changing rooms with all yours and his bags, super excited to see you. When you walked out, he was so shocked at how good it looked.

“You look amazing, you really pull it off well” he mumbled making you giggle.

He wanted to tell you how he really saw you, beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, but the words just wouldn’t come out. He was annoyed at himself and stayed annoyed until he’d walked you all the way home.

Now outside your door he told you how he felt. You invited him inside since your parents weren’t home but he had to get home quickly since he was really tired.

That night he text you:

“Had a really good day today y/n, lets do it again tomorrow... and the day after... and the day after that hehe”

#stray kids #stray kids imagine #stray kids reaction #bang chan #woojin #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han jisung #felix #seungmin #i.n

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grandschemed · 6 years

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nana’s spaghetti & meatballs / @warpaved 🍝

hello, readers! i’m sorry to have kept you all waiting for this week’s main pasta recipe as well as the very exciting continuation of my ever-perilous love life, but i thank you for your patience and i’d like to introduce nana’s authentic spaghetti and meatballs to all of you because on cold days like these, there’s nothing better than eating mountains of nana’s spaghetti, which i totally think is the ultimate comfort food. not only is her spaghetti hearty and guaranteed to satisfy, it’s also tonight’s showstopper in which i’ll be following this recipe for my dinner date with my coworker.

yes, that coworker — the one and only.

if you’ve been following this blog closely, you’ll remember last week’s lemon ricotta pancake episode ( please excuse the shameless plug! ) where i ended up drinking one too many vodka tonics during a fun but impromptu karaoke session with my other coworkers and ‘s’ ( whose name i won’t disclose for obvious reasons ) so graciously drove me home, helped me into my apartment and tucked me into bed after making sure i drank an entire glass of water.

kind of hot, not gonna lie. especially how easily he manhandled me into bed, jeez.

to be honest, i don’t know if i’ve ever been more embarrassed in my entire life, but thankfully, he took it in stride. well, mostly anyway — i still don’t remember what exactly happened while i was plastered out of my skull and ‘s’ playfully refuses to share any of the details with me, but if he agreed to a dinner date to ‘make it up to him’ for last week’s disaster, then it couldn’t possibly be that bad, right? right.

all i know is that he’s 6′3″, buff as hell and has the most infuriating smirk i’ve ever seen in my entire life. seriously. at the office, he thinks it’s funny to place my office supplies on very high shelves that are completely out of my reach. of course, i repaid the favor in kind by placing a glitter bomb at his desk. ten bucks says the bastard still has glitter in his hair when i see him today, but i’ll just have to wait and see.

but oh, it’s a full-on war at the office. it’s great. i’m sure that says volumes about me as a person, but honestly, i really do love working here with all of these great, motivated individuals and moving to this city has been one of the best decisions in my life. and honestly, who knows? i’m not looking to rush into anything serious anytime soon after my break-up with my ex-girlfriend of five years, but i can’t help but feel like ‘s’ and i have really great chemistry as much as we annoy the hell out of each other. i’m definitely a little nervous before my date, but i know dinner’s going to knock him out.

as they say, the path to anybody’s heart is through their stomach!

ingredients.

for the sauce:

2 tablespoons olive oil

3 cloves of fresh garlic, minced

1/2 cup finely chopped onion

2 or 3 small pieces of meat ( pork, beef, or chicken )

salt & pepper

1/4 cup chopped basil

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley

dash of red pepper flakes ( optional )

1 (6oz) can tomato paste

1 large can pureed tomatoes ( i like to use fresh tomatoes, but 1 (26oz) box pomi tomatoes also works beautifully )

about 2 1/2 cups of water

3 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese

1 pound of spaghetti or pasta of choice

for the meatballs:

1 lb. ground beef

1/2 lb. ground pork or veal

salt & pepper

2 tablespoons fresh chopped parsley

2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese

1 egg

1 cup soft breadcrumbs ( best made from soft bread )

1/2 cup milk

instructions:

brown the meat pieces in the oil until well-colored, then add the garlic, onion, and sauté until tender.

add the paste, tomatoes, water and herbs and bring to a boil, then season with salt and pepper to your own personal taste.

turn mixture down to a simmer.

for the meatballs, add the breadcrumbs to the milk to moisten.

mix all the meatball ingredients together with the breadcrumb mixture.

shape into golf ball-sized balls, and gently drop into the simmering sauce.

do not stir for the first 15 minutes or so until the meatballs begin to firm up.

continue to cook for 2 hours over very low heat, stirring occasionally and adding extra water as needed if the sauce becomes too thick.

this sauce, with or without the meatballs, can now be used over your pasta of choice.

just before serving, stir the 3 tablespoons of grated cheese into the sauce.

serve over pasta cooked al dente and offer a little more parmesan cheese at the table. enjoy!

#warpaved #ic: marco.#verse: meat cute.#i google searched 'authentic italian spaghetti and meatballs recipe' and google did not disappoint #um au in which marco broke up w/ connie + quit his job to move to the big city to work at a food ... magazine company or something #+ striker is his sexy new coworker?#THIS AU IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS BUT I JUST WANTED TO WRITE SMTH UNCONVENTIONAL #i might rewrite this in the future to input more voice ? bc i feel like it's almost too tame and wholesome #but that's marco's blog approach thinking emoji #IT WAS KIND OF FUN TO EXPLORE !!

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lamptracker · 6 years

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FIC: Spy vs. Spy (part 7/?)

This will probably only have two more parts. Maybe three. I’m running out of stuff here, guys.

Anyway.

FIC: Spy vs. Spy (part 7/?)

Pairing: Spy!Harrison Osterfield/Spy!Female Reader

Overall summary: Overall summary: Harrison Osterfield, one of Britain’s top spies, keeps getting thrown into missions with rival spy (y/n). Can they work together without killing each other? Or will something more develop?

Part summary: As (y/n) recovers in the hospital, Harrison confesses his feelings. Also: The identity of Management is revealed, and trust me you never saw it coming.

Warnings: Language, talk of violence, embarrassing nicknames

Part 1 * Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4 * Part 5 * Part 6

Tagged: @itstabata @purelyfictionallife @deleteidentity @peterspanish @mindless--thinking @harrison-osterfield-appreciation @lemirabitur @m4df4n @dashofholland @thesprintersoldier

When you’re in training to be a spy, they teach you what to do in every possible scenario. Except for two very specific situations that Harrison Osterfield currently finds himself in:

What to do when you fall in love with someone. Especially if the someone in question is a fellow spy who you used to hate with every fiber of your being.

How to react when said person you fell in love with is in the hospital, recovering from life-threatening injuries.

Harrison used to feel like he was prepared for any situation. But no amount of training could have prepared him for this.

For the first time in his life, he felt helpless.

He sat at (y/n)’s bedside, watching her as she slept. She’d had internal injuries, three broken ribs, and lost a lot of blood. She’d had to have emergency surgery to help fix some of her internal injuries, and needed a transfusion. She had a long road ahead of her, the doctors said, but with time she would be just fine.

For now, though, she was still very touch-and-go.

Harrison reached over and gently grasped her seemingly lifeless hand. “Hey, you,” he said quietly. “You know what? You were right. It pains me to admit it, but you were right. You said I’d fall in love with you eventually, and I have. I don’t know how it happened,I swore I hated…” He carefully lifted her hand to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to the back as he held it there for several moments. “When they-when they said you’d been taken, my heart just shattered. And I knew that I had to get you back. For the agency, for me. For me. I would have stopped at nothing to get you back.” He couldn’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes as he continued. “(Y/n), I love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Please, please come back to me.”

He sobbed until he fell asleep, his head resting next to hers on her pillow.

Harrison awoke some time later to a pair of lips gently pressed to his forehead. Blinking in confusion, he raised his head.

(y/n) was awake. And smiling at him.

“What’s up, assbite?” she asked, voice raspy.

“You’re awake,” Harrison replied.

“Appears so.” She bit her lower lip. “I… I heard what you said.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And… oh, fuck, I’ve never been good with emotions. I love you too.”

Harrison smiled softly at her as he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“I told you so, though.” (Y/n) kissed his cheek; Harrison turned his head and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

“You did.” Harrison carefully squeezed her hand. “We’ve come a long way from the days when you wanted to see my head on a pike.”

(y/n) smiled. “And from when you wanted me to go through your windshield.”

“Good thing I insisted on the seat belt, then.” He kissed her forehead; her eyelids fluttered softly and she hummed in contentment. “We should tell the doctors you’re awake, yeah?”

“Maybe in a while,” she replied. “I just want to be here with you for now.”

“I think we can do that.” He rested a hand alongside her face, his thumb gently grazing her bruised cheekbone. “My God, what did he do to you?”

“Oh, you know.” (Y/n) shrugged. “Little of everything. Threw me on the ground, punched me, kicked me, hit me with a chair. I think there was a golf club involved at one point. Needs to work on his hook shot. He didn’t rape me, but I wouldn’t have put it past him to do it. Where is he now?”

“His body’s in the morgue,” Harrison replied, “but hopefully he’s in Hell.”

“Morgue? You killed him?”

“Actually, Tom did. He is a surprisingly great shot.”

“All that Call of Duty paid off. Never let it be said video games are a waste of time.” (y/n) laughed softly, then winced in pain. “I think I broke some ribs.”

“You did. You had to have surgery too, something ruptured but they wouldn’t tell me what.” Harrison kissed the back of her hand again.

“When’d you know you loved me?” she asked, quietly.

Harrison smiled softly at her. “I started to think that maybe I had feelings for you the night of the ball. Seeing you all dressed up, you just… you looked so lovely. Then that time we kissed to cover up our surveillance, they just intensified. They kinda flew out the window when you blew up that guy’s car-”

“Hey, in my defense, you should have been more specific when you said to make sure he didn’t follow us.”

Harrison laughed, then started gingerly rubbing his thumb across her swollen, scraped-up knuckles. “All water under the bridge now. Sometimes people need to have their cars blown up.”

“So you have been listening to me.”

“Yes. But when Cumberbatch called me to tell me you’d been taken, I… I went crazy. The only thing I could think was, I have to get her back. I have to find her. And I realized then that I wouldn’t be thinking that if I didn’t love you.”

“Funny thing, I started to think I had feelings for you the night of the ball. You were very handsome in that tux. You were such a good dancer, too. Lot of guys have two left feet, but you have exactly the right number of the proper feet. I know I’m a lot to handle, but you seem to have picked up on how to handle me pretty well.” She bit her lower lip as she gripped Harrison’s hand a little more tightly. “While he was attacking me Cervelli told me that he was sure nobody would find me, that I’d die a slow and painful death, all alone. And all I could think was, no. No I won’t. Harrison will find me, I know he will. That little inkling of hope that you’d come is what got me through everything. And when you did… that’s when I knew I loved you.”

Harrison leaned over and pressed a light kiss to her lips. Just then, there was a short knock on the door.

“Hey.” Tom walked in, carrying a bouquet of flowers. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“You’re good, Tom, come on in.” (y/n) grinned at him. “Hey, thanks for killing Cervelli for me, dude. I owe you one.”

“What are friends for, eh?” Tom set the flowers on her bedside table and went to the other side of her bed, gently kissing her temple. “How’re you feeling?”

(y/n) groaned. “Sort of like a semi ran me over, backed up over my broken body, then ran me over again. But other than that, yeah, I’m fantastic.”

“She’ll be fine,” Tom and Harrison said in unison.

“Anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doi…”

Tom trailed off as someone entered the room. A petite woman with shoulder-length red hair and wearing a black pantsuit walked in.

“Mum?” Tom said. “What’re you doing here?”

Nikki Holland smiled softly at her son. “I heard about what happened, and I came to see how (y/n) was doing.” She turned her attention to the thoroughly confused young lady lying in the hospital bed. “How is everything going, dear?”

Cumberbatch ran into the room, slightly breathless. “Osterfield, just a heads-up. Management is on their way to…” his eyes fell on Nikki. “Oh, you’re here.”

Three jaws dropped as three pairs of eyes turned to look at Nikki.

“Mum?” Tom said quietly, after a beat.

“Wait a tic,” said Harrison. “You’re Management?!”

Nikki grinned sheepishly and shrugged. “Yeah. Took over twelve years ago.”

“The program’s really flourished under her, too. I’m not just saying this to kiss up, but she’s a genius,” Cumberbatch said.

“For not saying that to kiss up, you sure were kissing up.” Nikki patted Cumberbatch’s cheek playfully; Cumberbatch groaned slightly.

Harrison and (y/n) both turned to look at Tom, who was just as shocked as they were.

“I had no idea,” he said. “I thought you worked in a lawyer’s office!”

“I couldn’t tell you what I really did, Tom. I try to track down loads of dangerous people, I couldn’t risk one of them coming after you or your brothers. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you understand.”

Tom shrugged. “I get it.”

“You know,” Nikki said, “we could use someone with your talents at the agency…”

“He wants to work for himself!” Harrison and (y/n) exclaimed in unison; Nikki jumped in surprise.

“We may have had this conversation a couple...hundred times or so,” Harrison explained.

“So, Mrs. Holland-” (y/n) started.

“Please, call me Nikki.”

“Okay. Um, Nikki. Why stick Harrison and I together?”

Nikki grinned slyly. “I knew you two would work well together. You two are so different, but I know from experience that if you put two wildly different people together, they learn to work as one successful, cohesive unit. Harrison has the work ethic part down, you’re creative and impulsive. Put you two together, you’re the perfect spy. If we hadn’t put you two together, Cervelli would still be out there.”

“Well, we’re glad to help,” Harrison said.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” Nikki said to (y/n). “Rest assured, though, there’s an office job ready for you when you come back-”

“Whoa!” (y/n) exclaimed. “Who said I wanted to work in the office? Hell no, I’m going back out there. That’s where I belong.”

“You’re sure, dear?”

(y/n) nodded.

“Boy, she is stubborn.” Nikki laughed. “Well, just take some time to think about it. And Harrison… take all the time you need to take care of her, yeah?” With that, she and Cumberbatch turned to leave. “Bye, Tom. You still coming round for dinner Sunday?”

“I… yeah, of course.”

“Alright. Love you, Peanut.” She leaned over and kissed her son’s rapidly-reddening cheek before she left.

Tom, Harrison, and (y/n) just sat in silence for several long moments, trying to process everything that had happened. Then, as she is sometimes wont to do, (y/n) broke the silence:

“Holy shit, Tom, your mom is so cool. My mom isn’t nearly that cool. I mean, once she won a hot dog eating contest, but…”

“You really had no idea?” Harrison asked Tom, almost incredulously.

“I really had no idea.” Tom shook his head.

“Also,” (y/n) giggled softly. “Peanut?!”

“Hey, shut up, I… damn it, Mum.” Tom sighed. “I… I think I need to call Harry.” He scrambled out of the room, phone in hand.

“I’ll let you rest for a little bit,” Harrison said. “I’ll just be downstairs, having a cigarette.”

“Have one for me too, will you?”

Harrison chuckled as he softly pecked her lips. “Get some rest, love. You’ve had quite the day.”

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