#how is this what reality has become? am i in a simulation? am i being tortured?

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

i have the most horrible confession in the world and it's that when i was in 10th grade english class in like 2003-ish, my friends and i rewrote macbeth in a school project only instead of macbeth, it was bombastic and ridiculous star of tv's the apprentice d*nald tr*mp. and he wanted to become the richest and most powerful man in the world, so he killed bill gates. the three witches were the american idol judges of the time: randy, simon, and paula. the title was "kill bill." (zing!)

for some reason tr*mp was married to barbra streisand (the reason being that i was obsessed with barbra streisand and her diva energy and i worked her into anything whenever i could, like fran fine taught me. i wanted her to be lady macbeth, okay!!!! imagine the POWER!!! "out damned spot" with those fingernails!!!!) and i'm so ashamed that i did this to her. i photoshopped them together in a picture for the cover and everything. god i hope she never finds out. why am i posting about this on the internet. barbra, i'm sorry!!!!!!

i feel like this all might be my fault, is what i'm getting at. the downfall of society. i know that magical thinking isn't a real thing, but what are the odds??!?!! it haunts me. what have i done. this is a joke but also it a little bit isn't. I REALLY PARTICIPATED IN THAT HEINOUS ACT.

[couragecomesfromwithin]

polin love scene 🪞

now I haven’t seen much discourse about the nudity in Ep 5 particularly, but I have heard how some fans have been disappointed with how much was “teased” versus what they feel we deserved. maybe there was more and it was cut back, maybe they were respecting boundaries while trying to still satisfy fans I don’t know… But I do just want to acknowledge in fact how lucky we are. How proud we all should be, of both of them.

But Nicola. Beautiful, radiant Nicola Coughlan.

This woman had already shared her anxieties and boundaries around what was pitched in the book vs what she would be comfortable doing, long before it was posed or undertaken. I also want to remind you of the obnoxious, rude and disrespectful discussions and opinions she has already had to face about her body. Previously and still most recently. She put that all back on the line like never before undertaking and exposing so much in that scene. Naked. Not in some bitty show or a stage where it is only to a privileged ticketed few. But to a worldwide phenomenon.

This woman’s image will likely land on porn and xxx websites. It shouldn’t, but it will, alongside other actresses who have given similar performance simulations. And she will be judged and belittled by small, horrid people hiding behind the anonymity of the interweb. Maybe they will not reach her directly. We can hope, but they will be out there-and in a way it never was going to be for the first two leading ladies. Because they fit within the superficial societal expectations of what constitutes beauty. And indeed they are beautiful, but not because of the size of their waistlines. This woman is beautiful, and bold and she chose to find the empowerment in undertaking that level of exposure. She chose to honour what was expressed in the book. What we got to witness , it has been a privilege, not something we were ever entitled to. She is not an adult entertainer, she is not an explicit model, she is an actor. A performer. A brilliant, vibrant one at that, and she is proud, and happy. We should be proud and happy. She has given us a gift, she has risked the vulnerability of more unwarranted, cruel opinions and commentary on her naked body. I am so proud of her, I am so proud of who she represents, all these beautiful, sexy women who do not fit within the unrealistic ideals of a world that equates the size of a dress, the numbers on a scale and the absence of “imperfection” to the worthiness of a person. A human being.

She is resplendent. Unless you have ever faced- even with the support of an intimacy coordinator- filmed nudity, as an actor, it is intimidating. It’s you, but not you, in all your naked glory, with nothing to hide behind but the belief and identity of being another person and an absolute trust in those you create that moment with. And with the advance of social media, reality tv and the internet clearly the world’s ability to see the distinct line between character and performer, has become increasingly blurred for the socially inappropriate. And they will tell you exactly what they think, without a drop of consideration or care…and whether you are doing it for the first time or twelfth time as you sit in a robe, very nearly naked, You will still have this small voice of “o god, am I going to regret doing this?” And you make a choice.

You choose to trust, in yourself and those around you... But this is captured, memorialised on film for better or for worse, forever. Your family may see the it, your future children, grandchildren. It may sit in the minds of strangers, people who you will sit opposite on the tube- and who won’t say a thing…Not that you may really want them to.. but you just may catch their eye, sparkling with recognition, and think to yourself ‘oh geez, what if what they are thinking about what I look like naked’…which feels stupid and shallow, but for such a moment as a nudity scene, it ultimately becomes part of your legacy- it stays with you. Your career…hell people may still bring it up again 30 years down the line on a chat show (👀..Brooke shields, Sharon stone…there are still female performers who’s careers are ultimately stalled and who are judged for undertaking such scenes, who find that suddenly they are no longer so respected) and to recognise that…that to do this, it’s still a big thing, and we still do it anyway, because you believe in what you are doing and why you are doing it, to take pride and pleasure in what you do and the stories you tell and the characters and experiences you bring to life… it is beautiful and worthy of a little respect and acknowledgement.

now I’m not saying we are wrong to have wished for more, or different…but I do want to recognise what we did get, and how incredibly lucky we are in that. We should be so worthy and accept with grace the beautiful performances and attentions as was clearly given by the whole cast, crew and production.

[thekamukuraproject]

I am very obsessed with Izuru but I have only recently grown okay with Izuru and Hajime as the same person but only in a particular way...

Because I hate when Hajime and Izuru are seen as the same and completely interchangeable. I often see people frame it like Hajime is just acting weird or that Izuru is just like a parasite in his brain and he's cured post sim and I've always despised that. It makes it sound like nothing mattered. Like all that heavy brain alteration did nothing because of a virtual reality. Y'know, despite the brain being so unbelievably sensitive to manual changes that neurosurgeons have to keep a patient awake during the procedure to ensure they don't accidentally fuck everything up immensely.

And the stuff about Hajime being "suppressed" irks me.. Like he's there trying to get out or his consciousness is asleep. It sounds like brainwashing. And that's just not how that works. It's not what happened. Hajime underwent surgery and they slowly snipped away his neural connections to his memories, reactions, and other behaviors. That does sound extremely sifi and silly but it's possible!.. Partly. MRI's can see what areas in the brain light up and respond to certain associations and those areas can be severed. It's not perfect but it can do a lot of the heavy lifting when the scientists at Hope’s Peak want as much of Hajime gone as possible.

Hajime is not Izuru. That makes it sound like Hajime, who remembers everything that has ever happened to him and who remembers the people in his life and the things he cared about, it makes it sound like he's still there. He isn't. He's a changed irrepairable person. It is more accurate to say Izuru is Hajime, which admittedly sounds exactly the same with just the names switched but it is FAR better to interpret it as I think.

Izuru is Hajime because Hajime is just the face and body and later on the residual memories that the sim was able to piece back together (note that the pieces with those neural connections weren't removed. It wasn't really a lobotomy. Nothing was removed. So the simulation, assuming it took subconscious memories and brought them more closely to the "surface" of the subconscious to fix the brainwashing. Hajime's neurons could, theoretically, still be kicking and working in there to make a neural map I guess) Izuru is Hajime because he was made to be a husk filled with only Talent and other natural human bits a brain needs to survive, and by the end of the Kamukura Project, Izuru is only Hajime by name. A name that Izuru doesn't remember or need because it's for a boy who let himself die in the desperate attempt to feel important and worth something to himself. And so the name is gone too soon enough.

But if Izuru is a Hajime who was forced to forget his name, family, friends, and just everything that he cared for in his life...Why would he so easily gain everything about himself back after a really intense simulation? I can understand parts of what was Hajime very gradually returning because that is something the brain can do. Like if you get tetanus you'll become paralyzed and the only way to *not* be paralyzed anymore is for you to either not have had tetanus or for your brain to grow around the blockages and create new connections so your brain can communicate with the rest of your nervous system but this process takes months or sometimes even years to recover from. Something like brain surgery is going to have long last effects regardless of the simulation.

If Hajime did regain his thoughts and opinions and memories, wouldn't he be so irreparably changed? The fact he had brain surgery preformed on him cannot be denied. There are canon images detailing it. Izuru can try to regain their identity back but so much is irrepairable it'd probably hurt far less to just make a new identity... Or honor the identity that was abandoned when Hajime's life was nearly eradicated.

For those who have ever read Piranesi. It would be so so similar to that ending with Matthew Rose Sorenson. At the end he states he is neither the original nor Piranesi but a third secret thing because of his experiences in The House and his memories from reality and he does sound a little bit like the Piranesi who is masking his understanding of life in the House and I cannot imagine the post sim hajizuru slurry that is poured out into the real world would behave any differently...

Izuru takes the name Hajime to honor the one who he used to be and because everyone around Izuru knows him as Hajime but he masks that burden of talent that Izuru has been plagued with since their birth and I think it's kinda really encapsulated in dr3's hope arc. He shows up to save Makoto and the remaining survivors and is completely calm and serene about it really. its so alien and different from the freaked out Hajime from the simulation. To me it's always felt like Hajime post sim is just the Izuru who took up the belief to look towards the future and not dwell in the past because that is how you heal and Hajime never learned that but Izuru did.

[ginger-commander-is-tired]

So far in a playing with shading mood.

Well, what did I cook here? Corruption arc? No.

That's a long text explaining some lore so it will be under a cut.

We learnt in SoTO that wizards create fractals to simulate any scenario they want. It's done in a questionable manner as they make sure any fractal people act as real as possible. Anyway, something happened that fractals in Skywatch became real with their inhabitants.

There is a fractal in which we learn what happens if Commander never resurrected themselves during PoF. So this is where I am going here.

In this fractal Michael, along with his siblings (Gabriel and Beth), died and didn't manage to ressurect himself. But whatever caused fractals to become real, it made him go back to life. Sadly not his siblings. Shocked by what he saw and what reality he saw (basically... in a very bad state) his Revenant powers manifested (because after he died all his magic he had left as well) and he escaped through the Mists.

He's one of the people from fractals who became a real being pretty much. But my personal headcanon is that fractal beings are vulnerable to external influences but they can be more or less resistant to it. Strongwilled fractal beings seem to have control over what external influence they embrace or decline. But Astral Ward is so far only researching that. They only see them as inherently vulnerable and they see fractal Commander running away as a potential danger knowing how powerful he was/is and what may happen if he is exposed to very malicious influences hiding in the Mists.

So far he is under rather demonic influence but it isn't exactly Kryptis influence. It feeds on his very negative emotions caused by what he saw before (finding out how much of a failure he was and what happened because of that) and what he sees currently. In exchange it gives him his powers.

He sees his "real, successful" self and asks himself "Why did I fail, what was different about me?" but he doesn't know he is a fractal creation which was meant to fail as a part of a plan.

He thinks of himself as coming from alternative universe, not just artificially made for fractal research. After all he has all the same memories of the past and they seem very real and dear to him. That won't be fun to learn.

Astral Ward seeing him believes him to be a potential threat which has to be "eliminated" (ekhem, killed) before it's too late... But are they correct? So far he is very good at hiding from them or threatening them so they don't get too close. Some, who didn't listen his warnings, died.

[rosehippiefield]

I love that no character is one-dimensional:

Sara is not goody two shoes protagonist with unwavering hope (I like Makoto it's not his slander I really promise I love kind guys), she has the highest chance of winning. It can't happen to ultimate cinammon roll. The balance between her caring side that wants to protect everybody and using charisma to her advantage is so tricky and yet it works (though I am a bit baffled at how she changes without Joe in AI simulations).

Joe is not only cheery cheesy best friend that dies just so you can cry about it (even if it's true as well). Joe is distrustful, he is scared and he kind of wants to escape with sacrifice card knowing what it entails. So he came up with a plan where good people being majority would live, and if not he can feel less guilt. Amazing idea! And we all know how he returns in second chapter. A sing of ungrounded guilt that doesn't correspond to reality whatsoever but can't be combated with logic alone. In best case scenario it is defeated with reminder of how real Joe behaved, showing how faulty our perception can get from trauma.

Keiji is not just sexy detective that supports Sara, oh no. This guy gets close to our heroine on purpose and I dare say kind of uses her for own gain. Then, his trauma doesn't equal all of his character nor it magically justifies killing Megumi, it simply explains his current actions. And of course I really want to believe that he is not some creep flirting with people in most suspicious way. He just needs excuse for evading akward questions. This man, deprived of sleep because of his sins, is both cunning and kind, capable of cruelty and striving to be like his idol.

Kanna and Gin are not annoying children that constantly need saving or exist to evoke sympathy. In Kanna's case sympathy is natural, but it is not the only thing going for her. Kanna is about giving a chance, letting go regrets, making thought-out sacrifice and when it fails moving on to make sure it doesn't have to happen. She develops constantly, bringing ideas to the table and trying to get all group stay united. Kanna makes conscious choice to spend time with Shin to get information, so while she can be manipulated it's not always the case and she's not all naїveness. Her arc of overcoming trauma and insecurity may seem familiar to characters from other media, but it is unique and distinctive.

Gin is autism representation without making him vilain or weird. He has some pecularities, for example, wearing animal-like clothes and repeating animal sounds, and yet nobody bats an eye, so surely he's no outcast or useless (on the contrary, he is quite useful remembering names in the bar, using scent, helping morally etc). Gin's the least morally gray of the cast, but it doesn't mean he is cardboard nice support kid either: he has his dislikes or his own thoughts (he is quite distrustful toward Kanna because he's younger and doesn't use age as justification for her actions).

Reko seems simple enough, a hot-tempered rock star, emo/punk lady many would like to date. Strict to the strong, kind to the weak. She had a lot of changing in the past and it continues here, she is becoming softer. But it's not her only trait: she's a talented singer that was interested purely in music and it's perfection. She ignored to some degree her happiness, her band, her beloved brother for the sake of art. She wasn't indifferent, but appeared as such. And now, finally having a better understanding of what's important and bright future ahead she ends up in a death game with Alice. Their plotline is prominent in second chapter and is devastatingly tragic.

Alice looks like comic relief with his exaggerated reactions and bizzare choice of words (personally I love this type of speaking it's cool). But he is actually not only a scaredy cat: he is a person without a purpose. He searched for it in a path with sister, but no happiness came, only murder of Midori. Alice hides his soft side to not be hurt, he on purpose builds a wall and appears so arrogant because when he was openly kind the close ones were indifferent (not to mention prison, I admire how Alice kept his sanity at all).

Shin is a prime example of morally gray character done right (majority here are morally gray but with him being antagonist it's far more prominent). I have seen various post about fandom interpreting him either as "totally evil manipulator", "Kokichi/Nagito kinnie", "cinnamon roll he did nothing wrong" or "what a loser". But he's not just good or bad, him having antagonist status doesn't make him Ouma copycat or Komaeda's successor, and while I get him being a loser is funny it's not the only thing to define him (though it's more of a joke than serious interpretation). Shin is very insecure and distrustful guy who "sees shadows where there aren't any" (quoting Sara) due to 0% and wants to live, using all methods... until he gets attached. He plots mainly against people he considers his enemies (to tell the truth, with 0% anybody could be classified as enemy), and I think he wouldn't abandon those close to him like Kanna, perhaps partly due to guilt of using her. In general, his actions, while obviously not the best (and he knows it perfectly well), come from fear of death and paranoia rather than pure malice or craziness.

Nao may appear as mentally weak girl you constantly have to help and can't rely on. Yes, Nao has problems with dependance on other, but she has her own aces up her sleeves. She's creative, smart, open-minded. For me her advantage lies in unexpectedness: who knew she saw through AI's lies? For her own sake and for the group Nao is capable of difficult actions like puching fake Reko. This girl is about growing more responsible, learning to trust your own judgement (she has great intuition by the way) and becoming independent.

Kai is quite too unique for stereotypes in my mind, a mysterious but awfully suspicious man. He looks so feminine but don't let that deceive you: he's assasin. Assasin that doesn't kill. Kai is the person escaping from his bloodied, horrible, traumatic past into right, calm, tranquil future with only householding chores and not killing attempts to protect... wrong people (Sara is not bad person, but her father is likely to be tied to Asunaro). So poor househusband is leaping from one abusive enviroment into another, but now being genuinely loyal and unaware of all skeletons kept in closet.

Q-Taro is certainly not only kindhearted big muscular guy (that dies in certain chapter) or stupid. Yes, he looks like parody on American, yes, all his accents make his speech a bit silly and stereotypical. No, he's not dumb. In fact, many plot twists involve him in some way (especially the banquet). Also, he could sacrifice his life for somebody, but he is equally capable of doing the opposite. Q-Taro is quite honest but not above tricks to leave this place, he cares for th group (taking into accout his team-spirited profession) but prioritises himself until later; he knows how sinful people are including him and that allows him to forgive quickly.

Finally, Mishima dies so early you don't hope to see him after 1.1. But if you think he's the shock value first victim that dissapears after, you are not quite right. Mishima, being dead, yet has influence on story as well, either through mystery of his head or AI that appear three times (maybe something is really up with him). Not to mention Ytts where his character shines and not burns. Him being almost perfect doesn't ruin anything, it motivates to become better as well because he wasn't always like this. Plus, he's no ideal, Mishima understands how world works but is passionate to a fault, not to mention his suspicious behavior. He is example of a person that matured, overcame his main faults and inspires the same in others.

Of course, everyone can interpret these characters differently and it's great, those perseptions can be true all at once. They are so interesting and captivating thanks to many layers of depth where everybody can see something unique.

[cyberpunkonline]

The Top 10 Spooky Cyberpunk Movies and TV Shows: Neon, Fear, and Dystopia for #CyberSamhain

Alright, my fellow netrunners and glitch enthusiasts, it’s time to jack into the grid and merge two of the best genres around: cyberpunk and horror. You know the deal—neon-lit cities crawling with tech, corporate overlords doing shady things, and a constant feeling that you're being watched. Now throw in a healthy dose of spine-chilling terror, and you've got the perfect setup for #CyberSamhain. We’re talking about movies and shows that don’t just make you question your reality—they make you afraid of what’s lurking in the dark corners of the digital world.

So, buckle up, because we’re about to run through the top 10 spooky cyberpunk movies and TV shows of all time. Get ready for creepy androids, mind-bending AIs, and dystopian nightmares that’ll leave you sleeping with the lights on… and your computer turned off. You know, just in case.

1. Blade Runner (1982) Spooky Level: "I think that neon sign is watching me." If we’re talking spooky cyberpunk, Blade Runner has to sit at the top of the list. Sure, it’s more of a slow-burn than in-your-face horror, but the eerie, rain-drenched streets of future LA? They’re pure cyberpunk nightmare fuel. Deckard's hunt for rogue replicants isn’t just an action-packed mystery—it’s full of existential dread, identity crises, and the looming question of what it means to be human. Plus, Rutger Hauer’s “Tears in Rain” speech? Goosebumps.

Resource: The Nerdist has a deep dive into how Blade Runner paved the way for dystopian cyberpunk horror.

2. Ghost in the Shell (1995) Spooky Level: "Am I real or just code?" No list is complete without Ghost in the Shell. This anime flick is a straight-up mind-bender that’ll make you question your own existence. Major Kusanagi, a cyborg cop, is chasing a mysterious hacker who’s messing with people’s memories—creepy enough, right? But when you start pondering whether you even have a soul, that’s when the real chills kick in. It’s got a cold, digital aesthetic, filled with philosophical dread that’ll leave you staring at your reflection, wondering if there’s anything organic left inside you.

Resource: Collider has a killer write-up on why Ghost in the Shell remains a staple of spooky cyberpunk perfection.

3. Akira (1988) Spooky Level: "I don’t want to become a tech monster, thanks." Want to see what happens when body horror meets cyberpunk? Look no further than Akira. This anime classic brings you a futuristic Tokyo, biker gangs, government conspiracies, and mutated psychic powers. The result? An out-of-control cyberpunk nightmare that gets creepier by the minute as Tetsuo’s powers spiral into grotesque body horror. The neon-lit streets and apocalyptic vibes are what dystopian dreams (or nightmares) are made of.

Resource: IGN has an in-depth feature on how Akira shaped the cyberpunk genre and our collective nightmares.

4. Altered Carbon (2018–2020) Spooky Level: "Body-swapping freaks me out." This Netflix series threw us headfirst into a cyberpunk world where consciousness can be transferred between bodies—or "sleeves"—so death is more of a suggestion than a rule. The spooky vibes come from the whole immortality for the rich, dystopia for the poor thing. The first season especially gives off some dark, existential fear—imagine waking up in a body that isn’t yours, with no idea how you got there. There’s action, mystery, and just the right amount of creepy tech horror to make you rethink that new VR headset you just bought.

Resource: The Verge has a solid breakdown on why Altered Carbon brings fresh cyberpunk horror to the screen.

5. The Matrix (1999) Spooky Level: "What if this is all just a simulation?" Look, if the idea of living inside a computer simulation where machines are harvesting your body for energy doesn’t freak you out, then you’re tougher than most. The Matrix took cyberpunk and cranked up the paranoia, making everyone question reality for a solid decade. Sure, Neo’s kung-fu is slick, but it’s the spooky concept of being trapped in a digital prison that makes this one so chilling. The machines run everything, and humans? Just disposable batteries.

Resource: Vulture has a deep dive into the philosophy and horror of The Matrix and how it made us all low-key paranoid.

6. Videodrome (1983) Spooky Level: "Body horror and TV mind control? Sign me up!" If you want a straight-up creepy trip through a cyberpunk-esque world where TV and tech meld with the human body in the most disturbing ways possible, Videodrome is your ticket. Directed by the king of body horror himself, David Cronenberg, this film dives into the concept of tech-induced hallucinations, mind control, and some seriously weird flesh transformations. You’ll never look at your TV the same way again. Long live the new flesh, am I right?

Resource: Den of Geek does an excellent job dissecting the chilling horror behind Videodrome.

7. Dredd (2012) Spooky Level: "Trapped in a megacity with psychos and drug dealers." While Dredd might lean more towards action than traditional horror, the dystopian setting of Mega-City One is creepy as hell. The movie focuses on Judge Dredd and his rookie partner, Anderson, as they fight their way through a skyscraper controlled by a brutal drug lord. The Slo-Mo drug scenes, where time is slowed to a crawl, are unsettlingly beautiful and grotesque, and the entire setting just screams cyberpunk dystopia. The violence, the dark atmosphere, the claustrophobic tension—it’s all there.

Resource: Empire has a fantastic retrospective on why Dredd became a cult classic and hit all the right cyberpunk notes.

8. Ex Machina (2014) Spooky Level: "Are AIs gonna kill us all or just manipulate us?" Here’s the deal with Ex Machina—it’s quiet, subtle, and so unnerving. The movie follows a programmer who’s invited to test an advanced AI named Ava, and let's just say things get complicated. The spooky part? Watching an AI learn to manipulate and deceive with an intelligence that’s almost human, but not quite. The claustrophobic setting, the slow-burn tension, and the underlying theme of humans creating monsters through tech? Yeah, this one will mess with your head.

Resource: Wired has a fantastic exploration of the AI horror in Ex Machina and why it feels so real.

9. Black Mirror (2011–present) Spooky Level: "Welcome to your tech-fueled nightmares." If you’ve watched Black Mirror, you already know why it’s on this list. Every episode is its own spooky cyberpunk horror story—whether it’s the dark side of social media, virtual reality, or AI gone rogue. "San Junipero" might be a more feel-good episode, but "Playtest", "White Christmas", and "Metalhead" will have you questioning whether we’ve gone too far with tech. It’s cyberpunk horror, but with that all-too-real edge that makes you want to smash your phone and go live in the woods.

Resource: The Guardian does a killer analysis on the most terrifying episodes of Black Mirror and why the show taps into modern-day fears.

10. Upgrade (2018) Spooky Level: "When your body fights back." In Upgrade, a guy gets an AI implant that controls his body after he’s paralyzed in a brutal attack. But this isn’t your average tech-upgrade story—soon, he’s dealing with an AI that’s starting to take control in very disturbing ways. The film’s got that cyberpunk dystopian vibe down, with a gritty future setting and a tech-horror concept that feels way too close for comfort. It’s violent, it’s slick, and it’s got enough body horror to satisfy your spooky cravings this #CyberSamhain.

Resource: SlashFilm has a great breakdown on Upgrade and why it’s one of the most underrated cyberpunk horrors in recent memory.

Final Thoughts From existential AI crises to body horror nightmares, cyberpunk and horror go together like neon and rain. This #CyberSamhain, grab one (or all) of these movies and shows, switch off your phone (because, y’know, Black Mirror), and get ready to dive into some of the creepiest, most unsettling cyberpunk worlds ever imagined. Just remember—whether it's rogue AIs, mind control tech, or creepy robots, it’s all fun and games until the machines start thinking for themselves. Sleep tight, netrunners!

[saunne]

HSR THEORY - COULD NIHILITY, VORACITY AND DEVICE IX BE LINKED ?

All my thanks to Bunni on the old friends Discord Server. I wouldn't have had this fucked up theory without her. Also, this is messy and probably nonsensical but I had to purge it.

The question asked was about "how close Voracity and Destruction are in terms of beliefs". A valid question, as something like Voracity and "devourer of worlds" imply mindless destruction.

HOWEVER.

Nanook's Emanator destroys with purpose, where Ouroboros seems to act more on instinct than anything, an animal feeding itself rather than a sentient being with an agenda.

Looking at Ourobos description in the databank, something struck me :

The drinker of worlds, the unsatisfied devourer, the black hole with thought. THEY are an Aeon and a Leviathan at the same time.

"The blackhole with thought".

Something one would expect to read about IX, a literal blackhole, rather than Oroboros. And yet, it's Oroboros description. The second part of the description only birthed more thoughts :

In the eyes of Oroboros, life is a flickering fragment floating in the sea of void, destined to return to the darkness along with the stars which birthed THEM — This darkness is within the depths of THEIR mouths.

Sea of void, return to the darkness... Sounds an awful lot like Nihility, doesn't it ? When you meet Oroboros in the Simulated Universe, the Log Entry states the following :

…Oroboros the Voracity! THEY are reserved and uncommunicative, occasionally resulting in unintended consequences when attempting to speak — such as inadvertently consuming THEIR interlocutors.

IX is also reserved and uncommunicative. Remember the first time we met them in the Simulated Universe ? Herta had to cheer us up with falsities because we were swallowed by IX.

IX: You feel yourself being swallowed by some black liquid — a sea of darkness. Your hearing and smell are cut off, and everything becomes far away from you.

Looking at it this way, it seems there's a possible link between Nihility and Voracity. But it doesn't quite stop there, not really.

To understand, we need to backpedal for a bit.

In the chapter Stranger in a Stranger Land of the Penacony Quest, we had the option to bid our farewells to Acheron. During this exchange, we learned of her true goal :

Acheron: In order to fight against the cruel end of self-destruction, I went on a journey, in search of a way to sever the chains of the Nihility. After a long and grueling search, I am convinced that my destination lies within the depths of the Dark Web, where reality and the Nihility are separate. Acheron: In there lurks a secret called "Device IX"... One day, I'll reach it.

This is a reference to a term known as Horizon of Existence in the Data Bank, the boundary between existence and Nihility marking the "end of reality".

Legend has it that a mysterious faction known as Device IX lurks in the empty reflections of void, difficult to be perceived by the material world. Those who gaze into the void for a long time will gradually be drawn to the dark energy overflowing in the abyss, eventually passing through the Dark Web that separates reality from nothingness — This legend has yet to be proven, though.

So, Device IX is most likely roaming free on the other side of said Horizon of Existence. Saif Horizon of Existence being this :

An eclipse, a darkened sun, a black sun setting.... A star drowning into a sea of darkness.

Do you know what Leviathan feed on ?

Stars.

Shattered Star Bait : Before the Dusk Wars, the exploded fragments born out of the expansion of disordered nebulas could be used as lures, and their unique aroma of cosmic dust could attract Leviathans to feed on them.

So : Oroboros is nicknamed "the black hole with thought", inadvertently consume THEIR interlocutors, believes that life is a flickering fragment floating in the sea of void and destined to return to the darkness...

And where exactly is this darkness ?

This darkness is within the depths of THEIR mouths.

Forget taking a dive inside IX, there's a real chance to be more successful in reaching the Border of Nihility by plunging directly in Oroboros' goddamn stomach. In any way, both solutions look like a one way road towards the End.

But also, not really. Because the Aeon of the Voracity is named Oroboros. Which is originally a symbol of a snake bitting its own tail, thus representing Eternity.

The oroboros is believed to be a symbol of cyclicality, a cycle of life, death and rebirth. Something I think to be intesting is the existence of this symbol in Ancient Egypt, most particularly in the tomb of Tutankhamun.

The ouroboros is depicted twice on the figure: holding their tails in their mouths, one encircling the head and upper chest, the other surrounding the feet of a large figure, which may represent the unified Ra-Osiris (Osiris born again as Ra). Both serpents are manifestations of the deity Mehen, who in other funerary texts protects Ra in his underworld journey. The whole divine figure represents the beginning and the end of time. [Wikipedia]

(However, besides Mehen, there's another well known snake deity associated to Ra : Apophis or Apep.... continuously trying to devour the sun.)

Looking at Hoyoverse and their love of Samsara and the less than subtle hints we've got about Fuli making a repository of the memory of the universe to prepare the impending doom or Qlipoth (Preservation) creating a wall to keep the Leviathans OUT...

I'm starting to wonder if what's inside the Leviathan's mouth, rather than being the separation between existence and Nihility, it wouldn't be between one universe's existence and the yet-to-happen or already happened birth of another universe.

Addendum : Everything is slowly coming together RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES.

"Device IX is real. Go find it ! There lies all of Dr. Primitive's secrets !" — Some Drunken Galaxy Ranger

Who's the new 2.6 quest all about ? Dr. Primitive.

Where does the 2.6 quest happens ? In Penacony, where we were previously fully introduced to the concept of Nihility thanks to Acheron, a Self-Annihilator and where we also first met the elusive Galaxy Rangers, first Boothill and then Rappa.

Funnily enough, we do have this quote in Izumo's Planar Set :

Was it yet another appalling experiment by Dr. Primitive, or was it a sign of the Voracity returning from the end of the Cosmos ?

Also, for reminder :

Dr. Primitive is the member #64 of the Genius Society, an Emanator of Erudition, and a notorious criminal who was known for his mastery of gravity-capture technology.

Do you remember that some members of our crew were just on an errand for another member of the Genius Society ? #81 Ruan Mei ?

And what was that quest about ?

DELIVER LEVIATHAN FOSSILS TO RUAN MEI.

[astercontrol]

you all know I'm not really interested in Legacy in anywhere near the depth that I'm interested in '82--

and YET, sometimes, these ideas keep coming to me

An idea in four weird acts:

1.

What if the Sea of Simulation was the same thing to Jordan that Clu was to Flynn.

what if she created it/ copied herself into it

and some version of her consciousness is in it, always working

and its purpose is to help make things

what if all the parts of the Grid that were made with her architectural skills just… appeared by emerging fully formed from the Sea

2.

what if this sentient Sea also, eventually, learned how to make living programs.

And those were the ISOs

like. I've seen theories about how the ISOs may have been like Flynn's children in a sense, because their creation may have somehow… spawned from his human presence on the Grid, or something

but… if the method of their creation also involved Jordan, this deepens that idea even further

(parallel to the River Jordan becomes almost painful…. body of water that has been the source and setting of endless history and life and culture but also endless war and violence. really that is… TOO much for me to even wanna get into. …moving on.)

3.

what if, as the creator of the ISOs, the Sea kept backups of her creations? What if the ISOs can be restored from her?

(If, as implied in the Betrayal comic, Clu poisoned the sea to prevent more ISOs emerging, then this may have harmed Jordan's program and/or the backups it was keeping.)

(But, maybe she has some form of protection. Maybe they're still in there and recoverable, if anyone's looking around after Legacy for ways to rebuild the Grid. We can only speculate!)

4.

As much as "reset buttons" that undo canonical harm are often seen as a lazy way out…

well, I often find them fascinating-- just for the (usually unexplored) ethical implications.

If everything and everyone that Clu destroyed can be brought back… what does this do to his villainhood?

And for this thought experiment, my brain is still stuck partway in the world of Riemann's fic The Five Stages of Rectification… where the premise is that both Clu and Flynn ended up still being alive after reintegration, just with their identities and worldviews very much shattered and needing to figure a whole lot of stuff out.

But whether or not Clu or Flynn still exist and have to live with this new reality-- and whether or not they are feeling remorse and seeking redemption--

the questions still remain deeply troubling, in regard to the atrocities that Clu committed, and the mistakes Flynn made that led to that happening.

if the Sea has backups... does it lessen the harm of what they did?

It may bring back everything they caused to be destroyed.

It doesn't change the intentions behind their actions. Doesn't change that many victims were killed with deliberate cruelty, and with the intention that they stay dead. (Ethical thought experiment: How much do intentions matter in comparison to outcome? Is this different depending on whether the outcome was better or worse than the intentions?)

It doesn't erase the suffering that happened during that destruction. The pain of those who were hurt and killed. The trauma of those who survived them. (Ethical thought experiment: If Clu could erase everyone's memory of the suffering he caused, thus removing the only thing still hurting anyone-- would it make things better, or worse?)

Further ethical thought experiment: How do these questions compare to arguments for why it is wrong to kill people in the real world, even if you believe that there is an afterlife where they will go and be happy forever?

just… a whole complicated MESS of ideas bursting out of this... which I am not even particularly interested in writing fic about, because deep philosophical moral questions are things I want in my fic as a background motif at MOST, and... this would definitely consume the entire theme of any story it got into.

Ah, Disney.

You can give every protagonist a dead mom who's such a non-character that it's easy to headcanon she never really existed.

BUT you cannot stop the fans from making something more out of what you've neglected.

Always.

[jessjustplay]

Story Analysis of Star Ocean Till the End of Time (Spoilers!)

June 2, 2024

Simple, complicated, philosophical. That's how the story rolls in Star Ocean Till the End of Time.

When the game begins, Fayt and his family are on a spaceship that gets attacked. Fayt is separated and ends up on an unfamiliar planet. He meets Cliff and they eventually find themselves teaming up with a stern woman named Nel (she's cool, I like her). Nel needs them to defend her country, Aquaria, against Airyglyph. That's the simple part. A planet with countries at war? Seems to be a normal occurrence (unfortunately) in all realities.

It's during the next arc that things get complicated. The team meets Maria, and they go to space to defend the universe from some god-like creatures. (I mean... it's a JRPG, what do you expect?) Even the people of Aquaria and Airyglpyh realize this is no time for fighting amongst themselves.

Now, instead of traveling to a new city, the team finds themselves needing to find a way to an entirely new dimension: the 4D. To top it off, they're hit with the news that their existence and the world they know is a complete fabrication. They are indeed, inside a simulation.

The wild part is that, we the player, are technically living in the same world as Fayt, Cliff, and the rest. It's established that Fayt is from Earth, and that is also our home. So the game is technically including us as being part of a simulation. Or on the other hand, we are in the real world, playing a game that is a game inside the game we're playing. (I love it here.)

Anyway, the big baddie of the game is called the Creator, but he's just random man named Joe. (His name is actually Luther, but he might as well be a random man named Joe.) After defeating this guy, Fayt and company are actually deleted along with the universe. (Kinda shocked the game followed through with this.)

"I wonder what's going to happen?" - Maria "Just believe. Just believe that we exist, here and now." - Fayt

"Choose to live!" - Fayt

However, as Fayt finds himself amongst the great big world of nothingness, he becomes aware that he is having a thought. And as René Descartes argues for the knowing of our own existence: "I think, therefore I am."

"There's nothing left. Everything has completely vanished. Light. Air. Even my own body no longer exists. Absolute nothingness. Hmm? Nothingness? So nothing really exists anymore? But if that were true, then what about this thought? This thought is real. And I am aware of this thought. So... there is something left. There has to be. That means... that I'm still alive!" - Fayt

THE WHOLE STORY IS A PHILOSOPHICAL JOURNEY OF RECOGNIZING YOUR EXISTENCE AND THE WILL TO LIVE. It's simply hidden behind flashy PS2 graphics and sci-fi lingo. Incredible!

"All that we can see in our dimension, and everything we can touch, it's all been a fabrication created for us to perceive. And now Luther has disabled our perception of such things, effectively erasing them from existence. Without perception, there is no existence." - Maria "And yet... even though everything around us was an illusion, I'm positive that our minds, which perceived that dimension, really do exist." - Maria "You're right. No matter what Luther claims, our minds are the only things that were real." - Fayt "That's exactly why Luther was unable to erase our consciousness. He merely deleted all the illusions around us. Doing so could not possibly erase that which actually exists outside of his creation." - Maria "So, you're saying Luther never acknowledged our existence? Does his failure to do so explain why we still exist here?" - Sophia "Maybe... strictly speaking, the universe as we know it most likely no longer exists. Nevertheless, we still feel its existence in our minds." - Fayt "If everyone in that universe still feels like we do right now then that universe really does exist." - Maria

Humanizing the characters with ethics, morals, empathy, and compassion

The game includes a variety of moments that evoke emotion in the characters, and us (the player) too! The cutscenes are examples of how humans are, how they react, feel, and think.

These are the reasons why the game's revelation at the end is so impactful. Because, not only were the in-game characters feeling sad, angry, and confused, but so were we.

The characters in this game experience loss, betrayal, hurt, and confusion but also happiness, joy, and relief. They ask themselves and the Creator, if they are just simulations, then did any of those moments actually matter?

And that translates over to us in real life too. The emotions that we feel are what make us feel alive. The good and the bad. If thinking means we are, then feeling means we are, too.

Ethics

When Fayt first lands on the new planet, he is very careful to not break any codes from the "The Underdeveloped Planet Preservation Pact" (UP3). So much so that Cliff will tease Fayt about this throughout the game. Fayt is showing how he abides the law and it's important for him to do so.

Morals

Fayt also knows when it's necessary to break the rules. He helps those in need, like the cute brother and sister (Niklas and Meena) at the beginning of the game. Meena has a broken music box that Fayt decides to fix with his technology. He also uses his device to help Niklas escape the jail. Fayt's morals are shown here as well as later in the game when he decides to help Nel with the Aquaria-Airyglpyh war. He isn't a part of this world, but he decides to help because he knows he should.

Empathy

The characters, particularly Fayt and Sophia, display a lot of empathy towards each other and the situations at hand, but I believe the most empathy is felt by the player. Playing a story video game is the epitome of empathizing since we are playing as putting ourselves in someone else's shoes. I felt so much emotion with the Ameena and Dion subplot and felt so sad when they both passed away. (Tears were shed.) It was incredibly sad, but a testament to how the video game successfully humanized the characters.

Compassion

As the player and genuine true controller of the game, Fayt's desire to help us can only happen if we decide to keep playing. As the story develops and we learn more about the hardships the people of Elicoor are facing, we, unknowingly or not, feel compassion for these characters and we decide to do as Fayt would and fix the problems. (Or you're just a trophy hunter and none of this applies to you. 😶)

So does any of it matter?

The characters wrangle with this question, and thankfully come to same conclusion as I. Yes, it all mattered. It made them feel, that made them real, and that allowed them to exist.

"No matter what the real truth is, the fact is we have thoughts and feelings of our own. We want to save our dimension and everyone in it." - Sophia

"Now that they've developed minds equal to our own, how are they any different from us? The evidence is clear. It's getting harder and hard to interfere in their dimension as we please. Doesn't that prove that they've become equals? That they deserve to live?" - Blair

To think is to be, to feel is to be. To think about your feelings is to be alive. The game purposely gives these pixels, 0s and 1s, human qualities that we relate to and bond with. Star Ocean Till the End of Time also does a great job at making you think about your own existence. Would finding out that your life is a simulation change your thoughts about it? Would it still matter to you?

All the pain, heartache, happiness, disappointment, and joy that you felt up until this point, does it matter or is it meaningless? I'll reiterate that yes, it all matters. Living can be as simple as experiencing fleeting moments of good and bad and embracing that we are here - in this moment alive, until the end of time.

[chimerickat]

What am I even doing I don't know how to write articles...

The name Seto Kaiba may not be familiar to most of our readers. I admit, when I received this assignment, I had to google his name. What I found seemed like a fictional story. 

Orphaned at a young age, Seto Kaiba found himself adopted by the founder of Kaiba Corporation after beating him at a game of chess. At the time, the company manufactured weapons. However, Kaiba made headlines at the age of 16 when he took control of Kaiba Corporation and turned it into a gaming company. Many believed that by dismantling a successful company, Kaiba was guaranteeing bankruptcy, but he proved them wrong, and today, Kaiba Corp is a household name in Japan. 

With his cutting edge technology, Kaiba plans to make his company a household name worldwide. Currently, he plans to expand his reach to the United States with Kaiba Land, an amusement park dedicated to showing off his games and technology. 

At first, I was convinced his park would be a rip off of Disneyland. However,  I was able to visit prior to the official opening and experience the park for myself. I can say with confidence that Kaiba Land is in a league of its own.

In Kaiba Land, children can live out their wildest fantasies. Seto Kaiba, a visionary when it comes to technology, has equipped his park with the best his company has to offer. The virtual reality simulators allow you to visit anywhere in the world at any point in history that you desire. I was able to visit ancient Egypt and see the pyramids in all their glory. 

If you want to visit somewhere fictional, you can do that too. I was able to experience flying on a dragon in a medieval-type setting. 

You can even fly to space to explore the moon if that’s something that interests you.

Besides being able to live out your wildest fantasies, Kaiba Land also has an entire arcade section dedicated to gaming. Classic games are lined up side-by-side with Kaiba Corp. games. 

Kaiba Land also has a few rides available. They have a dragon-themed roller coaster and a ferris wheel. 

Regarding Kaiba Land, Seto Kaiba had this to say:

“I want Kaiba Land to be a place where any child can come and visit no matter how rich or poor their parents are. We’re committed to providing free access to anyone in the foster system as well as children without parents.”

If Kaiba Land is any indication of what Seto Kaiba has to offer, he should become a household name worldwide in no time. Our readers can purchase discounted early access tickets via our website.

[darling-to-death]

i would like penelope lore 👀

Hi! Thank you so much for taking an interest in my OC! I will update this post with little pictures one day, but I'm in the middle of graduate school finals and it's 1am. :3 Please accept this gigantic, rambly wall of text until I can craft something more visually appealing to tell her story!

For basic information, her name is Penelope Campbell, because I thought it would be funny if I could shorten it to PC. She's mostly a self-insert for this trauma simulator game, but because a big game mechanic is that the longer you exist the more beautiful you become, I gave her all the physical traits I wish I had: big blue eyes, tiny waist, incredibly long hair, huge gadonkahonkaroos, etc. She's nothing like me fr. Lol.

As far as backstory goes, it's sort of subject to change as I continue to make stuff up, but this is what we're working with thus far! Even before the game began, I think she was traumatized by her experience of growing out of an adoptable age. I picture her as one of those children you see in movies that DREAM and PRAY that one day they'll get adopted and live happily ever after with a family that loves them. <3 But the years passed, and she never got adopted. Year after year after year after year, no one wanted her, and I think that majorly fucked her up.

She wants that unconditional, unending, unchanging love of a parent so badly, and she never got it, and because she's now an adult, she'll never have it. So she's just DESPERATE for love of some sort, because in her mind the person she is wasn't good enough to be loved and adopted. Thus, she hates the person she is, which is why she's so willing to change her personality to suit any of the love interests' desires. She'll become whoever she needs to be in order to be loved.

This is inspired by my play style. I know a lot of people in the fandom have various saves for all the love interests, but I just keep trekking on romancing everyone in a single playthrough where I do roughly the exact same actions each time, because I am set in my ways. Haha.

I think she would've latched onto Bailey as a kid. There are some lines that suggest that the kids don't know the full extent of how evil Bailey is until they reach adulthood. There's lines during Christmas I think about the younger kids not knowing Bailey's true colors yet or the lines about the nursery that suggest PC was never allowed out of the orphanage without supervision. I don't think she ever viewed Bailey as a nice person, but he was a father figure to her, because he was the closest she had to one.

I think that first week she would've been totally in denial and thought the payments were a joke until the first time she was sold. Then reality comes crashing around her like broken glass she'll never be able to put back together. I still think she has a soft spot for Bailey as a person who raised her (in the vaguest sense of the word), and she has a bit of a delusion that once her bill is paid off he'll go back to just being a grumpy, short-tempered old man and not an abusive, greedy, human-trafficker we know him to be.

She does love Robin, but I do think she views him as more of a brother. However, upon realizing he had feelings for her she felt obligated to return them. She knows how traumatizing it is to want love and not receive it, so if it makes Robin happy to have her love, then she'll give it to him. But she'll never love him as much as he loves her. It's an unfortunate fact. Penelope wants to be saved and loved and protected, and Robin is just too burdensome. She'll always feel love and loyalty and obligation to protect him, but because he needs to be protected she can't fall for him. He's not her ideal knight in shining armor. She's his knight if anything. Robin is a damsel in distress that she cares for, but will never adore.

Penelope just doesn't like Whitney if we're being honest, because I do not like Whitney. I know they have some really cute content if you get their love up high enough, but I am not willing to trudge through the tsundere bullshit to get to there, and neither is she. There is a part of her that likes all the attention, even if it's just physical (from her point of view at least), but his personality is just too abrasive.

Penelope and Kylar get along very well! I think Penelope relates to Kylar a lot. They both have an obsession to recieve love, but where Penelope will change her personality to recieve "love" Kylar can only be authentically himself. Penelope admires that about him. Even if it makes him the target of bullies or if he lacks social skills (i.e. reading love poetry to a classroom of his peers), she respects his ability to have a personality and stick to it. She pities him, because she sees so much of herself in him.

As troublesome as Kylar can be, she always sticks up for him, and is honestly flattered by his obsession of her. I think she has a tendency to romanticize his mental illness, because it's what makes her so special to him. She loves being special. I think this is another case where she'd be happy to just be his friend, but because he loves her, she will love him back.

I'm not entirely sure how she meet Eden, whether she gets kidnapped in the forest or gets sold off, but either way she has a fondness for Eden. As self-sufficient as he is, she sees him as a person who could protect her… you know… if he weren't the one causing harm. Because she's sick in the head, I think she almost views the rape as a compliment. Like he's so overcome with affection, he just can't help himself! So she'll justify his actions that way, but the justifcation doesn't erase the physical pain he causes her, so she can't ignore his cruelness entirely.

However, I think mostly she recognizes Eden as someone very lonely and someone with no one to love. She fears she'll end up like Eden, all alone with no one to love. I do think she genuinely enjoys his company tho! Eden is pretty quiet, but he does talk about his books and his interests, so they infodump at each other and she has a lot of fun doing that.

Avery is probably the saddest relationship, because Avery initially presents himself as such a nice person. Their introduction is always him helping her get lichen for the science fair and then inviting her to a free drink at the cafe. She recognizes him as someone with money and power, someone who could save her, and she so, so, so desperately wants him to save her. She thinks if she's obedient enough, one day he'll actually take her away from her troubles and make her his real girlfriend instead of just his sugarbaby. I think Penelope thinks she loves Avery, but in reality I think she loves the idea of him. It really hurts her feelings when he's upset with her, so she tries her best to behave. I think she finds it quite natural to act exactly how he wants, because she's basically doing that with the other love interests. Avery is just more direct about it. But deep down, she wants him to love her for her real personality… whatever that is at this point, and she's burdened with the knowledge that Avery views her as a tool and not a person.

There's a comment on Vrel's blog that if the PC were ever disfigured Avery would be the only love interest to abandon them, and I don't know if I'm cruel enough to give Penelope a disfigurement, but just know him abandoning him would resurface all the shallowly buried abandonment issues that plague her mind.

And then there's Sydney. <3 Beloved Sydney. <3 I think Sydney is the one Penelope genuinely loves. That's not to say she doesn't love the others, because in her own way I think she does. But a lot of her love is just a response to the love she gets from them. She wants love, so she'll love in order to be loved. And because she's so desperate for love and has no love for herself, she's trying to gorge herself on as much love as she can hoping that will fill the void in her heart. (It won't.) But I think she really does love Sydney. He's everything she wants to be. He's pure and protected and kind and intelligent and faithful. He has a father who loves him. He's perfect. Like all her relationships, it isn't healthy. She does idolize Sydney and put him on a pedastal, but I think if she HAD to choose someone, she'd choose Sydney.

I think for her canon, she fell in love after she yelled at him and he comforted her. It was so shocking to her, so discongruent with everything she'd known about people and the town and her world. His kindness in reaction to her cruelty really flipped a switch in her, and she just viewed him as the most perfect, wonderful person in existence. But because Sydney is so perfect in her eyes and she's so worthless in her eyes, she lives in constant fear of losing his love. She's torn between bringing him down into sin with her so they're on more even footing, but she also wants to keep him pure so he never has to lose that innocence she envies so much. Also, Sydney has a lot of lines about faithfulness, and unfortunately for Penelope it's the one thing she can never be.

Not only do the game mechanics almost require her to cheat on him, she can't bring herself to stop seeing the other love interests. She needs to love them, because they love her, and she can't be someone who withholds her love. She thinks that's the cruelest thing in the world, to know you are loved, but refuse to return that love. She feels very guilty, but she doesn't know what else to do. She wants to be loved, so she loves, but does she love? Is what she's doing love or is it just addiction or obsession or transaction or whatever else she could call it? She doesn't know if she's capable of love, because as a child she wasn't capable of being loved. The two go hand in hand in her eyes. Sometimes she thinks she's just a doll who can change her face depending on what she wants to play pretend. Who does she want to be today? A sister, an object, an ingenue, a housewife? She'll be whatever. As long as she gets "love," she's happy to be something. She wishes she could be loved for being her, but she doesn't think that's possible, and after pretending to be others for so long, she doesn't have a concrete idea of what her real personality is anymore. Penelope the Malleable.

[daggerfool]

Who do you give the Numidium to and how do you feel about the Dragon break?

I usually give the totem to Mannimarco because gameplay wise his reward is the best. Like yes, I want to be famous and have every noble in the Iliac Bay as my bestie. They are like walking trust funds.

When I role-play I give it back to Gothryd just because my character is chaotic and unpredictable. It’s like stealing candy from a toddler, then being paid for giving it back. I have a few thoughts on the dragon break and I have an own interpretation of it as most of us do. I mean, it’s Elder Scrolls and the canon is that nothing’s canon. I will specifically talk about the dragon break in Daggerfall, my opinions don’t really extend to the dragon breaks in general (why are they a thing anyway).

All of this confusing stuff under the cut.

The definition of dragon break is that it’s a temporal phenomenon that involves a splitting of the natural timeline which results in branching parallel realities where the same events occur differently or not at all.

The thing about parallel realities is that there is no worth in wondering about them. Like in Morrowind, where once you kill a main quest related npc you get the message which contains the words ’live in the doomed world you created’. For you, it’s only a doomed world because the message imply the existence of a better path, otherwise it’s reality, and you have nothing to compare it to but what ifs in your head.

Not the case in Daggerfall though. The reality of one is antithetical of other’s, yet they still exist at the same time and space. No matter what side the Agent picks, every other path will be part of the real world, making all of them meaningful in some way. It raises two questions for me.

1. Does it mean the Agent’s choice is actually meaningless? 2. Does it really matter what the Agent chooses in this case?

In my opinion, the answer is yes to both questions. The effect of the dragon break only really matters to those who can comprehend it. For the folk of the Iliac Bay the results only seem like an effect of a war: changed borders, swifts in power between kingdoms. Supernatural phenomenons like dragon breaks are too confusing for a basic farmer, they have no meaning to a swordsman.

I believe the Agent was one of the few who really knew what happened and the moment they touched the Mantella they have seen a glimpse of every choice they have taken in parallel realities. I think the Agent stops being a person that moment. They are like patchwork, a being made from every skill they gained, every knowledge they got. They effectively stop being themselves and yet become more of themselves they have previously been. All the experiences they have had thus far, all the answers they have found, are engraved in them. For the Agent it does matter who they give the totem to. They will remember their feelings and opinions that lead them to that moment, nothing is going to take that away from them (except if they die when the realities merge, but that raises another question I am not prepared mentally to think through). 

Anyway, if Daggerfall has been a modern game, the Agent would have become something god-like, something beyond mortal in the end.

Funny enough I think Nulfaga also understood the dragon break or at least I came to this conclusion based on her dialogues. Homegirl just didn’t give no shits about a world that doesn’t have her son in it. Btw imagine being Nulfaga and having Lysandus as a son and when he reproduces, his kid is a lame ass emo boy.

In conclusion, the Agent basically played all the routes of a dating simulator separately then ended up having a harem. Once again, my theory that every TES game is an otome game is proven and dragon breaks are just the secret poly route.

[radical-revolution]

“NOTHING IS REAL!”

I'm sure many of you can relate to the feeling that “nothing is real”. The sense that everyone and everything around you is just a figment of your imagination.

Maybe this feeling creeps up on you gradually or maybe it strikes you suddenly. Maybe you have a bad day, or a bad drug or plant medicine trip, or maybe you go through some life crisis, and the old protections and dreams – external and internal - fall away. And you are forced to look deeply into reality.

Suddenly, it feels like the world is only a dream. Every person, every animal, every tree and every mountain, everything that has ever existed or happened to you is part of your delusion, your own internal fantasy. Maybe you invented the Big Bang, or the Cosmos itself, in your mind. Maybe you invented sunflowers, and umbrellas, and volcanoes, and the night sky, and your entire childhood. Maybe time isn’t real. Maybe this is all one big simulation, some great illusion with no more reality than a wisp of smoke or a bad idea. Maybe reality itself is entirely meaningless and pointless, a random play of light and sound, signifying utterly nothing. Maybe you are the only being in existence, and all other beings you have only ever imagined. Maybe the world as you know it is fake.

You are awake to the truth. You understand the Matrix now, you have seen beyond the Wizard's curtain, and you cannot un-see what you have seen. You are forever changed, it feels.

Are you crazy?

How will anyone ever understand you?

Have you seen too much?

And maybe this realization triggers really scary feelings in you. You now feel profoundly lonely, deserted, burdened, lost, out in space, like you are the only one in the whole Universe, and there are no others at all. You feel abandoned, detached, dissociated, far from the life you once knew, even though you are 'physically' present - at home, at work, with your family or friends, at the restaurant or cinema or church. But it all seems wrong now. Maybe you feel like you’re going crazy, or there is something deeply wrong with you, or you are dying, or your whole life has been a fraud. Maybe you become depressed. Seeing that everything is an illusion, you lose interest in all the things that used to motivate you or bring you joy. If it’s all unreal, if everything from the deepest pain to the highest bliss, from the greatest success to the darkest failure, is just random information in a computer or random appearances on a movie screen - what is the point in living? What’s the point in thinking about a future when the future is now cast into profound doubt? What’s the point in having relationships when everyone is only in your mind anyway, and even your closest friends are ultimately imaginary, and everyone is going to die? And if you yourself are unreal, can you even trust your clearest thoughts and most cherished insights anymore? Can you even trust your own perceptions? Is there anything to hold onto at all?

But here’s the thing: Even these ideas are still just ideas. Even solipsism, nihilism, all the "isms" in fact, are just beliefs, concepts, pictures in the mind. All just more thoughts.

We can doubt everything. Everything we know. Everything we’ve been told. Every dream or plan, every relationship, every system or dogma or structure, every single anchor in our lives we can doubt. Every single idea, even the idea that ‘we can doubt every single idea’, we can doubt.

Is there anything that is beyond doubt?

As Descartes said, “I think therefore I am”. Or rather, "Thinking, therefore Being". In other words, as long as there is thought, as long as there is thought-created doubt, I know I exist. I exist, here, now, doubting my own existence. But I must exist to be able to doubt my existence, to think about reality, to come to conclusions or to let go of conclusions. I must exist, first of all, in order to be able to be aware of thinking, or not thinking.

In other words, the one thing that cannot be doubted is existence itself. I can doubt everything I know about existence, I can doubt every word that can be spoken about existence, but I cannot doubt this intimate sense of “I Am”, I cannot doubt life itself. Even if there is doubt, that doubt is life itself, thought-doubts coming and going in me.

Here is some balm for the fear and anxiety around solipsism, nihilism, existentialism. Here is some medicine - for those who are freaking out about the nature of existence, for our inner child who just wants to be loved, comforted, seen, for our nervous system that only seeks Safety:

Rest. Rest in Presence. Let all thoughts come and go (they will come and go anyway). Thoughts about yourself and the world. Thoughts about whether or not reality is "really real". Thoughts about thoughts. Thoughts about solipsism, nihilism, nonduality. Thoughts about the past and future.

Let them all be, let them all come, let them all stay, let them all go. They are only thoughts and thoughts are safe and thoughts are not reality.

Let all sensations, all sounds, all perceptions, all thoughts, come and go in your awareness, moment by moment. This is meditation. Don’t judge them and don’t cling, don’t push them away and don’t try to understand. Just be, just breathe, just watch all this life move.

You’ll soon notice something amazing. In the midst of all this coming and going, all this doubting, all this existential anxiety, all these thoughts and conclusions and wonderings, all the joy and sorrow and fear and boredom of life, there is one thing that doesn’t come and go, one thing that isn’t a thing, one thing that remains totally present, unchanging, restful and known, more intimately known than anything that can ever be known:

You. You are the Unchanging principle in the midst of all this change. And within your unending embrace, all thoughts about whether or not reality is real, whether or not we’re in some kind of Matrix, whether or not the world is fake, or an illusion, or a dream, or a devilish conspiracy, all these thoughts come and go, too.

It doesn’t matter if the world is an illusion or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s all a dream. It doesn't matter if it's all fake. It doesn’t matter, all these brilliant ideas just don’t matter at all. Shocking, I know, but true.

You get up. You "chop wood and carry water", as they say in Zen. You put the kettle on. You go out for a walk and feel the sun on your face, the afternoon breeze on your cheek. You talk to a friend or not. You listen to some music and it touches you deep down, or not. You wonder about existence, or not. You laugh or cry or fall to the ground in gratitude. Or not.

You live your day. Real or unreal, illusory or not, it doesn’t matter. Underneath the layer of thought, concept, image, conclusion and doubt, there is the unspeakable Mystery of you, of life itself, complete and full and whole and shining brightly.

Solipsism or not, nonduality or not, Matrix or giant conspiracy or delusion or not, meaningless or meaningful or neither, this is what it is: A cup of tea with a friend. Looking into the eyes of a loved one. A walk into town to buy bread. Or sitting quietly, watching the breath rise and fall, watching the most complex or scary or contorted thinking rise and fall, watching the rise and fall of emotion, watching yourself wondering about it all, getting lost or not, getting caught up in the mind or not. But getting on with your day. Being absorbed in your day, and letting the day absorb you. Surrendering to the moments. This is true meditation. Following your feet.

Here is the cure for solipsism, then: stop thinking about it, or rather, let the mind think about it all it wants to, while you rest, and live your day, content in the knowledge that you don’t need the answers at all, and falling in love with the vast Unknown, sinking into the Mystery, going where your feet go, like you did when you were a child, because that's all there is, and that's everything.

Through darkness, into light.

Through doubt

into a place that cannot be doubted.

Through confusion and terror and sleep,

you have awakened.

- Jeff Foster

[cherubchoirs]

hi its me again. song person

i. completely forgot to send the third song and am only realizing this now. i think additional memory by jin fits your v2 pretty well (also it is a masterpiece of a song like GOT DAM!!!)

(also heres an english cover too because it also fits and i like it)

AUGH......the thought of v2 having a dream-life it's constructed all in its mind because reality has been so unfair to it and the inevitability of that dream crashing down on its head when the real world finally catches up to it striking again!!!!!

v2 is a character made of potentials, of possibilities, yet at the same time was doomed to fail from the start. v1 was made specifically for war, it had a job that only ended up being rendered irrelevant by the new peace, whereas v2 was a nonstarter because it can't escape its basis in v1. it holds great promise, but its confused conception leaves it purposeless - it can't be used in the new peace for expense and its violent core, it can't win in hell because it was trained on peace and, in a sense, it's actually inferior to v1 in many ways. because it was hastily put together, it doubtless had many parts that weren't optimized or adapted properly to the v-series frame and so actually less efficient than its predecessor. but it believed deeply in its own potential, trained so extensively in human thought that it gained its own sense of imagination, of fantasy, of dreams. and it dreamed of all it could do, dreamed that it would bring peace, dreamed that it would be the most supreme of the supreme machines

like i mentioned, at this point i do think of the primary motivations of v1 and v2 being their respective roles as war and peace, and this is how the two come to conceptualize each other, especially in v2's case. it knows why v1 was made and it looks down on its crude purpose, keenly aware it is perhaps the biggest threat to be neutralized now that it too has come to rove hell. v2 has run the simulations, it has fought v1 in its imagined scenarios, and it understands just how to destroy it, how to claim victory for no one but itself. it's waited so long to prove its potential, it's carried an immense fantasy so much more detailed and intricate in its way than what human minds could manage, it's consumed with the role it could play, will now play. it's a diorama of its purpose, a symbolic play to defeat v1, but it would mean a realization of its dreams and add that tangible quality to ephemeral thoughts. but the encounter goes wrong, it doesn't follow its simulations and fantasies. v2 has to run to save its life and it becomes obsessed with that failure, it has to dissect it so that its world doesn't shatter.

but none of that matters. it can analyze v1, it can analyze itself, it can repair its body and its pride to the point where it waits for that second encounter on a throne, but how can peace win against war in hell? it is fatally driven to confront v1 a second time because it can think of nothing else, it needs to stop oncoming war and it needs to secure the dreams it has lived off of in a world constantly threatening to tell it they mean less than nothing. if can defeat v1, it can prove something, that even if humans are gone now....it could have done so much, it should never have been shut down and thrown away. it needs nothing else, its mind overtaken by one more fight to make or break everything that it is, conceptually and internally, cosmically and personally...but the encounter goes wrong. again. it's forced to run, again. but now v1 pursues, v1 has predicted its escape, and all of its promise finally drains from it, all the grand dreams it built alone are revealed to be mirages. it can do nothing, it is going to fail, and it knows v1 will kill it. v1 knows nothing else. v1 does not know peace, and it does not dream. it will kill v2 and it will steal another arm and it will move on without thought. to die in greed, to see the greed in them both with v2's obsession to best v1 and v1's terrible, inexhaustible advance....into wrath it will go. i think v2's last thoughts are that irony, safeguarded a final time against its shattered dreams into loftier thoughts. war moving into wrath just as it destroys peace. it makes sense, maybe. but it is sorry it failed.

[mcybree]

🌓 + ❄️ + 🌌

🌓 - opinions on watcher lore?

(warning for any onlookers I am a hater in this one. avert your eyes)

I think it’s fun in passing, like I have fun with it when I make an AU and have to incorporate it in a silly way but I feel as though watcher “KILL EACH OTHER WE MUST FEED” brand of interpretations undermine the entire narrative by tossing aside every character’s own agency and reducing their internal struggles to set-ups by immoral gods. There is only so much “I dont want to do this but I have to :( the watchers told me so” a story can take before it becomes the narrative happening *to* all of the characters, rather than the characters making their own bad decisions which takes away all the fun for me. similarly, watcher grian has always bothered me but I only ever put into words why a few days ago— If I was writing the life series, I would look take one look at Grian’s character and separate grian (watcher lore) and grian (the guy) into two different characters. I’ve never seen watcher grian incorporated in a way that compliments his character or says anything about who he is as a person. The Watchers are a punchline to me <\3

❄️ - be honest, which character do you care about the least?

I have thought extensively about every character at some point in my year long hyperfixation hellscape *except* for Etho and Impulse; through nature of being a scott megabuild mutual I care about Etho now like I get it but Impulse… im sorry man. I have still yet to get it I’ll keep trying though. I cant make myself write something without feeling that I have a grasp on how everyone involved thinks and acts I could not live with myself if I made every impulse fan point at me and go HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT!!!! before rightfully banishing me to the beyond

🌌 - what happens when the players die?

Okay so. To me. The games are set in a dubious state of reality, like a simulation but theyre still made of flesh and blood and the trees are still breathing and the dirt is still dirt. I’m going to cite the infinity train car coding for how I sort of imagine this works… where its all living breathing thinking feeling but the organics of it are still attached to adjustable values behind the scenes. This is all to say that none of the players ever really sleep— the games existing in this dubious state of reality allows for adjustments to be made and this was one of them. So when they *die* die, the memories they gathered throughout the game are sort of flipped through and finalized in this window of time before the next game, creating a warped nonsensical dream sequence loosely based on the events of the game that they experience until the next one. I visualize this as a sort of psychedelic drug trip combination of all sorts of familiar places and people merging together but eerie nightmare purgatory dreams like being at an empty convenience store at night while echoes surround you is just as likely tbh.

TLDR what happens when the players die is whatever makes the coolest visuals for an animatic SORRY. Like if I’m being completely honest it’s whatever I need it to be to tell the story I made this up retroactively,

[misscammiedawn]

50 Days of HypnoKink - Day 11: Personality Play

Alignment: Is currently a forbidden practice and will get a red regardless of headspace.

CW: After the readmore cut I will be unloading why it is red for me. That'll be heavy/unfun stuff.

For the majority of my life this was my special move. This was the thing I was prized and prided for. In another world where I didn't stop doing it, I would likely teach the class. I'll talk about why I quit below the readmore. Let's talk about why I did it first.

Have you ever just let go.

Like really and truly let go? Let that voice that tells you that you need to wake up early fade to silence, let that hesitance you feel before jumping in the deep end just vanish; have you ever just stopped being present and let yourself become a vessel for something else?

That's what character play felt like for me when I indulged.

Complete freedom and reverie. The ability to just become what you have been asked to become. To let the fantasy engulf you and drown out everything surrounding. No memories. No thoughts. No worries. Just the moment. The scene and the fiction that is now your reality.

I have become so many things in my 15 years of playing within that pool. Angels and demons. Vampires and Fae. Mad Scientists and Mages. Belligerent cockney speaking drunks and cautious Midwestern catholic college kids.

What really gets me about this kind of play is how the sandbox is no longer a matter of hypnotist and hypnotee, but character (immersed) and character (in control). Sometimes the character (in control) can be replaced with hypnotist appearing and communicating as themselves. In fact a number of times character play for me has more been a summoning ritual rather than a scene.

But in the reverie of that channeling, and channeling is a good word for it in my experience, you completely lose reality and just forget your discomfort.

What's hot about it is that shyness gives way. Reservations are forgotten. I have found myself capable of such incredible things when I am under and channeling a character. Things I know I am simply incapable of doing outside of that space. Moments where if I were present in the scene I would have stumbled or tripped or my anxiety would have had me "yellow".

But without "myself" in the scene I do not trip over my own mind, I can just go into flow state and it simply becomes a matter of what the character would or wouldn't do and what they are capable of.

With a trusted partner who is able to handle the safeties for both parties, that can be intense. There's roleplaying a vampire who wants to pin their lover down and drain her dry as she grapples and fights for control and then there's being possessed by that same vampire and doing it for real, desperately trying to overpower her and get that which is not a simulated desire but a legitimate and terrifying need.

...and that is why it can easily become edge play. It's hard to keep the immersion and safeties at the same time. To play in this pool, at least for me, is to surrender all of my waking self's morality and agency and replace it with whatever we're working with.

...and that is why it's better if your partner is physically stronger than you and is both physically in control of the scene and psychologically in control of the scene, even if they are the submissive in the scenario.

It requires a lot of trust to be able to let yourself go that far. I look back on those memories (sometimes nightmares) and have no idea how I kept myself from breaking the immersion of the moment.

But that's the power of the tool and the applications are universal.

Real life hypnotic powers like entrancing eyes? That'll work. Telekinetic abilities? That'll work.

I have been told that I am even "smarter" when I play genius characters, but I do not even begin to understand how that is possible. I assume it's an empty compliment.

It's a level of roleplay fantasy and immersion that bleeds so perfectly and purely that it basically takes all of the best parts of roleplay and guided imagery and puts them in a blender.

I was addicted to this stuff for a third of my life.

I don't want to sell the concept too heavy though because a lot of what I did and how I did it was wrong. It's a source of great regret for me.

But I recognize why I enjoyed it when I did and wanted to give it an entry. More on the darker side of that coin after the readmore...

---

Day 10: Trance Edging

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 12: Hypnotic Kisses

Readmore for the rest of today's entry...

There's a 1960s musical which was adapted into a movie starring Barbara Streisand called On A Clear Day You Can See Forever.

The plot details a hypnotist who discovers one of his clients becomes a seductive woman from a past life and as the show goes on the hypnotist falls for the past-life version of the client and the client falls for the doctor. The show/movie ends with the client finding out and leaving because she has more self-respect than to be a "motel between you and your dream girl."

In the late 2000s. That was me.

Let's skip the early 2000s. Prior to finding hypnosis, character roleplay and I were already developing this kind of a relationship. Camden had been born as a longing in my heart and I was presenting as her in some places. In the early days there was a divide. I was not ready to accept myself and so I kept the girl I knew myself to be distant from the man I had to be to survive.

Camden got attention. She was desired. Too much, in fact... to the point of which someone in a position of authority, who I trusted, crossed some serious boundaries...

All you need to know about the early days is I dove in to fiction and online communities and got noticed for it. Eventually by friends in the hypnosis community.

Miss Dawn is a lingering remnant of that time in my life. Back then her name was Sapphire and she was everything I was not. Strong, bold, seductive, hypnotic--

--a woman.

"What do I have that I don't have" indeed...

I mostly presented male back then. I used to say I have a flexible gender. But especially with the transphobic climate of the time I admitted myself to being "biologically male", because everything felt so hostile back then and I was terrified of catfishing. Even the good resources of the time warned people to confirm birth gender before play. So I never lied.

Well. I did. I very much lied. But I decided to lie to myself instead.

So I presented as Camden but made it clear I was not in fact Camden. Is it a wonder I have identity issues when that was my life for half of it. I started presenting as Camden in 2001 and came out as transgender in 2020.

So of course I was enticed by a type of hypnosis that was designed to draw out Camden. Make me become her. Character Play, I called it. Just go deep and bring Camden to the forefront. I got gender euphoria and to be who I was without feeling I was lying and my hypnotist got to have a woman.

I have no idea how much they assumed I was roleplaying. But to me, it was real.

...but Camden wasn't the only thing in my heart... In fact, throughout my entire life I have always felt that people never cared about Camden as a concept. She was just a damaged girl who was fighting her repression and gender confusion. She wasn't exotic or exciting.

The others though?

What we now refer to as Miss Dawn or Sapphire as she was known then, was a place for all my sexual repression (including my hypnokink which I was ashamed of for the time) to be stored. I always thought of myself as 100% a sub. But I could play a convincing domme on TV. I read enough books. I just didn't possess the spark or the drive or the desire to actually want to do anything with the skills I was acquiring.

Sapphire did though. She didn't just possess the spark. She was the spark.

3 hypnotists from my past found her and drew her from my soul and had relationships with her. Sometimes they drew upon different characters from my litany of fiction, both roleplay and prose. I slid into the roles required easily, but the same. Back then I didn't want to be me, so I raced towards ego-death and became anything, anyone else.

Although Sapphire is the name I most identified that part of me with in that period of my life, she had several more. She was a spirit, an attitude, a confidence, a power. She is every character I became in some small way, but where the other characters felt like roles and skins, Sapphire in her entirety just felt like her; what the spirit would call herself. Just as Dawn feels like the right name and visualization now and Honoria was the form she felt most at home with in the 2010s. Regardless of skin, voice, backstory. It was the same basic set-up. She was the version of me capable of performing hypnosis. Being seductive. Being forceful. Romantic. Loquacious. Bold. Mysterious.

...she was capable of having sex...

At the time I was gender repressed and felt myself a "worthless" "male" submissive in an ecosystem where they didn't really stand out. Sapphire gave me a reason to be hypnotized. A reason someone so powerful and capable would waste their time on a guy who didn't enjoy sex.

The fact that my entire found family discovered me during that period of my life and kept me close is proof that I was wrong then, but I believed it and that's the important part.

My first major hypnotist used to tell people about me. In 2012 I got an IM from someone who "Master" had been bragging about me with, desperately asking to share my secret

Other Person: So Master's mentioned you to me before. He basically described you as the man with a thousand personalities, lol. Other Person: (my wording, not his, lol) 2012 me: o.o; a thousand personalities? Other Person: That's my silly descriptor. 2012 me: OH! He means "characters" XD Other Person: He said it as characters, but the way he described it, sounded like they were fully fledge 'personalities' in their own right Other Person: *fledged 2012 me: Wow. That's kind of an honor. 2012 me: He does often mould me in to who he needs me to be.

I guess the secret is "have a fucked up brain from complex PTSD and/or an undiagnosed dissociative disorder" I'd learn that a decade later.

Soon enough between "Master", my ex and the other hypnotist who worked with me in the mid-2000s that became all I was worth. Just a portal to other people.

Add in my obsession with tabletop RPGs at the time and I spent a very decent portion of my life actively avoiding being myself and finding that everyone preferred it that way. Particularly as my allosexual partner who got a huge benefit out of that deal.

I hurt people I loved deeply because I had difficulty keeping those lines and boundaries clean and clear. Ruined really good things because of it and I made it so that even in my own home I always felt like I was a vessel where the people that my loved ones actually loved could be accessed from.

I'd never accuse them of that. It was just my feeling, my fear and my baggage.

And this is why that kind of play is RED for me right now.

I am capable of it. Likely I could dive right back in that water today and be the hypnokink community's number one expert on it.

For 15 years I spent anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours per day hypnotized into being another person. I am disturbingly good at it.

But I can't go back to it. I need to be me for a while.

...let's ignore the fact that despite me trying to repress those aspects of myself, they endure on through mood shifts and facets...

Then you have the nightmares. To this day I still wake up feeling like I assaulted my former partner because intrusive memories filter through my hypnotic amnesia and psychological walls and remind me that there were moments in our play where I was trying to hurt her.

Granted, I wasn't me and my memories are distorted by the fiction of the spell I was under.

But vampire businessman or not, the human body that I live in was trying to overpower the woman that it was married to and cause them harm and the character being channeled DESIRED that outcome.

It's a weird situation where I have to remind myself the reality of the situation is that the one in control was below me and had the ability to stop the scene at any point. Technically I was the powerless one in that scenario and I was so addicted to not being present in the scene and incapable of accepting that I was involved in those activities that I abdicated my agency... and not in the sexy way.

That was fucked up. I just didn't see it for what it was at the time and I regret that. Especially because my former partner did not deserve to bear the weight of my irresponsible behavior. I hope that I never did her any harm. I take solace in knowing she has the blessing of always having reality in those situations. Any memories that bleed through for me are painted by the fiction that they were dressed in and that's... scary.

I don't like thinking I am capable of those things. That those horrible bastards are in my heart.

Even to this day I have no idea what kind of damage I did to myself and it haunts me to know it was all willingly and eagerly.

---

Day 10: Trance Edging

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 12: Hypnotic Kisses