#how have i been doing this for as long as my 6th graders have been alive wtf

[thomyorkevalentines]

I have brain worms from my extremely demanding job and the traumatic ordeal of being alive so here are some highly philosophical Valentines, brought to you by Canva and little to no sleep.

Happy 11th installation from us here at Thom Yorke Valentines!

[stayandot8]

A Case of Friends and Lovers

Genre: Fluff

Relationship type: best friends to lovers

Important Contents: Thank you @bangtanmix73 for the idea 😙😙

WC: 6.1k

masterlist

Chan became my friend in the third grade. 

Mrs. Yoon’s class was tough enough. A tall, slender woman with her black hair streaked with the gray of her years of experience with us youngins. Constantly dressing like she was stuck in the 80s with her long skirts and her turtlenecks, she was a no-nonsense kind of lady, which wouldn’t have been the ideal kind of teacher for third graders if you asked me. If she peered over her glasses at you, you knew from her beady eyes that you wanted to never be the subject of that gaze ever again.  As the “talker” of the class, she sat me next to Chan, the quiet and good one, in hopes that he would encourage me to behave like him. Unlucky for her, her plan backfired. I instead opened him up and brought him out of his shell to his own demise. The first time I got him into trouble was still burned into my mind.

Mrs. Yoon was droning on and on about something called fractions and I had had just about enough of her voice for the day. My worksheet long since forgotten on my desk, I leaned over the aisle to poke Chan in his side rather hard and quickly sat back straight, my eyes back to the front in case the mean lady was watching. Chan yelped and pursed his lips to the side in fake anguish. I would continue to see this look a lot over the course of our friendship. Mrs. Yoon heard his squeal and glared at him. 

“Mr. Bang, do not interrupt my class.” Her angry eyes were enough to make Chan’s face burn bright like a tomato. I couldn’t help but snicker as he apologized. He didn’t sit next to me at lunch that day. It wasn’t until I brought him the prettiest rock I could find, a smooth, round, white stone with dark spots to look like the moon, that he finally spoke to me again, all forgiven. That was the longest we had ever gone without speaking.

Chan became my best friend in the 6th grade.

We were walking down the cold hallways, the stench of rubber erasers and preteens still learning about deodorant forcing its way up my nostrils. It was an effort not to scream daily in those hallways, children screaming every direction you looked. This particular day was the day my period decided to rear its ugly head for the first time. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming, my female friends had gotten theirs fairly recently so they had prepared me for what was to come. What I didn’t expect was for it to be quite so…. messy. 

It was a very normal conversation we were having, about how his mom had gotten his lunch mixed up with his sister’s again, when I felt it; a sudden gush coming from between my legs. I stopped mid-step, kids shoving my shoulders as they kept moving. Chan had stopped a few steps ahead, just realizing that I wasn’t by his side anymore and turned back with a confused look. And then those kids started looking at me to find out why I had stopped walking, that was when the laughing started. And the pointing. I had my first panic attack that day, under the cruel eyes of everyone in that hallway. 

Chan rushed to me, seeing the tears and panic in my eyes and quickly took off his jacket to tie it around my waist. He grabbed my shoulders and rushed me to the nurse. He followed me around all day to make sure no one else laughed or pointed or stared. And when someone even glanced at me with what he deemed the wrong way, he would shout at them. 

“And what are YOU looking at, huh?” 

They would quickly find something else much more interesting to look at and rush past us. Chan would nod at his job well done and continue whatever we were talking about, trying his best to get my mind off of this sudden change. That day we had some of the weirdest conversations we had ever had, him pulling every bizarre subject he had in his arsenal to shock me into talking about it. It was a very effective method and became a fallback in the years to come.

Chan became my secret crush in 10th grade. 

It was my birthday and while my mom was a good mother, she sometimes just got too busy with her work to pay enough attention to what was going on around her. This particular birthday she forgot about. I had gotten to school and looked for Chan but he was nowhere to be found until lunch period. I was sitting by myself with my headphones in, listening to my own personal curated playlist by my one and only best friend when the doors to the lunchroom flew open and a slew of balloons were pushed through them, everyone turned to stare at the loud bang. I wondered who could possibly be coming through the doors and assumed it was for some sort of prom proposal or something. I turned my attention back to my chips and was putting one in my mouth when I looked back up to the collection of helium when I saw who was attached to them. My chewing paused and I took out my headphones.

Chan was beaming as he scanned the lunchroom and locked eyes with me. That was when I realized the balloons had ‘Happy Birthday!’ written on every. single. one. He sprinted as safely as he could without tripping over to my table, a small cake and a fast food bag in his hands along with a bright pink gift sack. My jaw dropped. I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. 

“Happy birthday!” He yelled as he drew closer. He set down the cake, balloons, and gift bag to throw his arms around me and suffocate me with his love. I couldn’t help my grin as he let go, his own smile infectious like always. He sat down, grabbing the food bag and laying out a nice spread in front of me.

“Is this why you’re late to school?” I giggled as I put my home lunch back in my lunchbox.

“Well duh. I couldn’t let you get away with going unnoticed on your birthday. I had to get the best for my girl!” My heart fluttered in a way I hadn’t noticed before when he said that. My veins sang as the butterflies took a hold in my stomach and remained there. 

We had our lunch as the rest of the school watched, people wondering what the balloons were for when their friends explained it to them in hushed whispers. They weren’t there as far as I was concerned. All I could see was him. 

That’s also when other girls started to notice him.

Chan became distant in college.

He had started dating and I hated all of the other girls that weren’t me. He always wondered why his girlfriends and I never got along, not one of them. He only saw what they wanted to see, them putting on their sweetest, most perfect facade for him as I glared at them from the sidelines. Our friendship started to suffer too. 

I couldn’t blame him for wanting to be the perfect boyfriend. I just wish he would’ve realized he didn’t have to try so hard for them. He was perfect the way he was. None of them were worthy of him anyways. It annoyed me to no end how hard he would try for them while they took it and never gave it back to him like I could have. They simply weren’t good enough for him.

He hated it when I told him that. The conversation would always start the same. He would bring up some petty argument they were having and I would try my best to be objective for him, but it was so hard. It was simply that all of the fights he ever had were always the girl’s fault, either demanding he spend more time with her or do more for her or that he was too much work for them. I would make this point and he would retort with a way that it was somehow his fault. HIS fault that she felt this way. That he needed to be better. I would say it wasn’t his fault, he already spent so much time with her. We disagreed every time. I was surprised he couldn’t tell that I was in love with him. He was oblivious when it came to me. But his friends weren’t.

Feix questioned me first but Minho was the first to break me. He got me intoxicated and asked me one too many questions and the beans came tumbling out in a drunken babble. In front of all of his friends and God herself, I wouldn’t shut up about how I missed his laugh, his smile, and his hugs. The boys just looked at each other awkwardly, taking turns trying to comfort me in their own ways. Minho tried to tell me Chan’s poor qualities, walking around naked all the time, he worked too much, he never bought anything for himself. But these were all qualities I already knew and loved about him. Seungmin was just calling him old and ‘why would you want someone so close to old age in the prime of your life’ and such things. I wasn’t much younger than Chan so in reality, he was also calling me old. He ran out of things to say after that, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth any more than he already had. Jeongin and Hyunjin offered to take me shopping the next day, which I took them up on. Hyunjin pat me on the back gently and grimaced. Changbin just tried to tell me that exercise was the cure for everything. That earned a glare from everyone, to which he just shrugged and looked away sheepishly. I thanked him for his suggestion. He meant it in earnest. Han took my mind off of it, offering his best controller to play video games with him all night long. And when I had successfully beaten Han enough for him to admit defeat, Felix followed me to bed and just cuddled me until the heavy weight on my chest had lightened. 

Every time we fought about his girlfriends’ issues with him, it was always on the tip of my tongue. It was always ‘Just talk to her, try to work it out’ instead of ‘I wouldn’t treat you like that.’ It was a laborious effort, keeping all of the emotions inside. I would feel the build-up when he was in between girlfriends, he would get more touchy with me, no longer under a watchful eye or a guilty conscience. I could feel myself begin to tell him my feelings and then another girl would pop up and they would last too long that the moment was over. But I was always the one he ran to when he had problems. And they hated that. 

The first girl that had a problem with how much time he spent with me didn’t last long after that. But after the third girl, he noticed that it was maybe not just a single issue. So I saw less and less of him when he was involved. Then she appeared a year later. 

She was everything I was not. She was popular, beautiful, and just cool. She still didn’t deserve him though. I hated that I could tell she did care about him a little more than the others but not enough it seemed. She became obsessed with the idea that he would cheat on her with me. Eventually she convinced herself that he did. That was a particularly hard fight for him to get through. He came over afterwards and explained it to me, that he couldn’t spend more time with me if he wanted to keep her, so that was it. I haven’t seen him in a while.

That was a couple months ago. I’m in my own apartment now, reading my book far too late into the night again. The pounding at my door broke me of my trance and I scurried to open the door to see Chan, his curly hair a little wild and his eyes rimmed with red. 

“She cheated on me.” 

His voice was hoarse, like he hadn’t used it in a bit. I opened the door further to let him in but he just fell into my arms, his emotions hitting him harder. I hugged him closer, closing the door behind him. He fell to his knees in the hallway and brought me down with him. We stayed this way until his sobs turned to sniffles. My only form of comfort was rubbing his back up into his hair. When his breathing slowed enough for his strength to return to his legs, I nudged him up to bring him to my couch where I left him only long enough to make him something to drink. I decided tea was the way to go, alcohol no good for him in his current state. He simply stared blankly at my coffee table, his silence scarier than yelling. I nudged him with the mug and he took it, letting it warm his hands. I sat beside him gently, letting him talk if he wanted to. When he didn’t, I asked the only question I would dare about the subject.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His eyes still looked blank. His mind was elsewhere. I didn’t think he heard me and I was resigned to stay quiet when he shook his head. I could only nod faintly, finally looking him over fully for the first time in months. His eyes were tired aside from their current puffiness and his clothes smelled like him a little too much, as if he’d been wearing them a little too long. 

“Do you want to sleep here? You’re more than welcome to.” I said quietly, hoping he would take me up on it. I could feel my body yearning to be closer to his natural warmth but I stayed where I was, not wanting to invade his space just yet. He nodded slowly, his mug remaining untouched by his beautiful lips. I had forgotten…

“Do you want to sleep on my bed? I can take the couch.” He leaned to place the cup on the table in front of us and he grabbed my hand. He stood, forcing me to move from my spot as he led me back through my own bedroom door. He only dropped my hand to land face first on my pillow. I couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped my lips. The way he fell was just a little comical, like a cartoon almost. Luckily I had been in my pajamas for about an hour now so I just turned off the light and climbed in next to him, still not touching him. I was too keenly aware of every breath he took, every small movement he made. He turned his head to face me, still stomach down. His eyes bleary, he took a breath in as if he was about to speak. And it was taking all of his strength.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered the words I didn’t need, but craved anyway. I shook my head.

“Don’t worry about it. Just sleep right now, okay?” He nodded, closing his eyes. 

“Don’t leave me.” Never. I tentatively pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes, testing his limits of the moment. He didn’t shoo me away. In fact, he hummed in contentment. His breathing slowed to even draws and gave me the opportunity to really look at him. I thought with these months apart my feelings would die. I should’ve known better. If they could survive college, they would unfortunately survive anything. Simply looking at him was enough to bring them back to the surface in full swing. Maybe this is my opportunity. This time I’ll tell him, I promised myself. Maybe when he’s better. 

“I love you.” I whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. 

I woke up before him the next morning. I felt more than saw the arms around my waist, the leg intertwined with mine. My heart broke slightly as I untangled him from me, moving off the bed as slowly as I could so as not to wake him. He didn’t, simply rolling over, remaining in his slumber. I watched him sleep, the crease between his brows a cause for concern. I tore myself away and exited back to my kitchen. I didn’t know how hungry he would be, so I figured I could always make more if he wanted. As the waffle iron was warming, I heard his shuffling coming down the hall. I kept my back turned to give him a second to breathe and collect himself if he wanted to. When he crept up beside me at the counter, I gave him a half hearted smile and weak ‘hi’, still unsure of his mood. I thought I still knew how to read him, but he had changed so much in these past months, I found it harder than I remembered. 

“I didn’t know how hungry you would be so I was preparing for the worst.” He simply nodded, turning to the coffee pot. He started it up and returned to the couch he was on the night before. He turned on the TV to the morning news. I got the feeling it was just for background noise. 

Once the waffles and coffee were done, I put on my best display of domesticity. I brought him his own plate, which he scarfed down. I talked about anything but the one thing I was dying to ask about. He merely nodded along until a particularly awkward silence hit us. 

“I’m running out of subjects here, Chris.” No response. Another long pause.

“She broke up with me a while ago. I’ve spent the past couple months trying to get her back but it wasn’t working. She finally told me why. She slept with some guy back near the end of our relationship. Didn’t even remember his name.” He got quiet again. Then uttered the few words that consistently broke my heart for him. “I don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Not everything is your fault though.”

“I had to have done something for her to do that. Why else would she have done it?”

“Some people don’t need reasons.” It was the only response I could think of. He shook his lowered head. 

“It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. So I ran to the only place I thought of. I’m sorry I barged in on you like this, I didn’t know where else to go.” He finally looked me in my eyes, I could see his apology in the gleam between blinks. 

“It’s okay, really. You’ve clearly been busy.”

“But you’ve done nothing to deserve me ignoring you for so long. And then to just show up here? Out of nowhere? I’m sorry, I should go.” He started to rise, eyes, aiming for the door. I panicked, not knowing when the next time I would see him would be. I lunged for his arm, grabbing it tightly. He jerked, but didn’t pull away, looking back at me. Those same apologies still in his eyes. 

“You don’t have to go. I promise, it’s okay. I’m just happy to have you back. No matter the circumstances.” His shoulders fell in relief as he sat back down. He gave me his best smile, which was only a sliver of what I knew it could be. It still made my butterflies jump.

“I don’t deserve you.”

Boy, you have no idea…

That was a few weeks ago. He still wasn’t completely over the betrayal, but he was slowly getting better. He showed up to my apartment regularly, just like before. We would talk about everything but that night. And when he got particularly down on himself, I would drag him out with all of his friends to take his mind off of it. Being of the legal drinking age had its perks.

This particular night, he had been the one to initiate it. He texted the entire group asking which bar we wanted to start on our pub crawl for the evening. We knew what that meant. If it was a club night, he just wanted to forget the day. If it was a club crawl, he wanted to forget the week. But an actual pub crawl, something had to have happened. Minho was always ready with a suggestion. He knew all the best spots in town. And walking through the doors of our first stop of the night, everyone could tell Chan was ready for the night to begin. 

“Let’s gooooo!” He shouted at the top of lungs, approaching the bar and smiling at the bartender, a short woman with enough cleavage to make a porn star jealous. I respect the hustle of it, but did he have to smile at her like that? He flashed one of his famous grins that reached his eyes, which she of course returned. It was hard not to. 

“What can I get you, sweetie?” She wiped down the glass in her hand with the rag in the other, used to the shouting of men ready to forget their troubles. Chan leaned on his elbows on the bartop and cocked his head, ready to charm whoever was a willing victim. 

“A round of shots for me and my friends, angel. And make them doubles if you please.” She smiled and nodded, grabbing the bottle from the shelves and nine bigger shot glasses. Chan started to chat with her as she poured, making my fingers go numb. The intense eye contact between them was enough to force my hands into fists. Felix noticed, because of course he did. I was surprised he couldn't hear my raging heartbeat. Thundering so loud in my ears I could barely hear what he was whispering to me. I felt his warmth bear me as he said

“Don’t take it too close to heart, you know he does this when he needs to release.” That didn’t stop the chill down my spine though. I wanted to deck the poor girl. She had no idea who I was or what I was going through. But if she laughed at one of his stupid jokes again…

Chan grabbed the tray of shots and winked at her, making her blush. God damn it.

“Relax. He’s not going home with her.” More whispers in my ear. I couldn’t place the voice until Seungmin gave me a shy smile, nodding in encouragement of his words. I nodded back, trying to breathe as we all followed Chan to a table near the shadows of the back of the place. Seungmin placed his hand on my back, following my lead and staying close. 

Chan was doling out the shots in everyone’s direction, each conversation happening in tandem, the noise level doing the best job of drowning out my own thoughts. I decided to let this night be as much for me as its initiator. We all clinked our glasses together, tapped the table, and downed our shots in one go, Felix coughing a little as he got used to the burn. 

“Another round!” Jisung shouted over the noise happening around us.

“I’ll go!” Chan started to walk towards the bar, but Jisung stopped him with his arm. 

“Don’t worry buddy, I’ll get this one.” But Jisung’s eyes were on me. I could swear he nodded to me, a small sign of solidarity. 

“Was I that obvious?” Hyunjin shook his head a little too quickly to be anything but honest. I grimaced in his direction, sure that everyone would see through any kind of mask I could put on. Well, everyone except the one it mattered for. He was currently balls-deep in a conversation with Changbin about something to do with…sports? Cars? I couldn’t tell nor did I care. Jisung came back quickly with twice the amount of shots as the first round. I shot him a greatful smile, our unspoken plan working. Another round of shots and we were off to the next bar, pulling the same routine until it was evident that Chan had had quite enough when he wouldn’t let go of my shoulder. He hung on my arm like he hadn’t known anything else in his life, clung to me like he had for the first ten years of our friendship. It was like nothing had changed. 

“Baby, let’s go to another one down the street. They’ve got the best margaritas on the block.” Baby. It almost made it feel real when he called me that. Like, maybe one day, I could be… I snapped back to the moment at hand.

“I think we both have had quite enough there, mister.” His eyes were drooping, his gaze unfocused. His words were blurring together, all of the alochol he had consumed finally hitting his system. He would be turning into one of two people and I didn’t want to be there if the one that wasn’t the cuddly, kind Chris showed up. Not being quite as drunk as the others, I volunteered to take him home, thinking we had had enough for one night. None of the others were ready to go home as much as I was, so they let me take the invalid home by myself. 

The weight of Chan’s body was too much for my single shoulder as we stumbled down the hallway to his apartment. His giggling had turned into a small laughter here and there, which eventually had made him go quiet now. We arrived at his front door, just as I remembered it. 

“Chan, where are your keys?” He grappled with his pockets before he giggled again. 

“Doormat.” was all that came from his mouth. This mother… His spare key was hidden under the mat.

Once we were inside, he went straight for the couch, sighing as he lay flat on his stomach. I couldn’t help my panting from carrying him up his stairs, my breath the only sound in the room. I leaned on the counter, just watching him as he closed his eyes. 

“Chan?”

“Hm?” 

“How are you feeling? Anything coming back up?”

“Not yet. Give me a few minutes though, you never know.” A slight chuckle from the man across the room followed by a groan of regret.

“That is true.” I laughed along with him, not feeling great myself. “Come on, let’s get you set up in your room before I go.” I started for the hallway when his head snapped up from his resting place, his eyes now sad and full of something I couldn’t place. I blame it on the alcohol. 

“What?” His voice had gone high, cracking. “You’re leaving me? Don’t leave me, you can’t leave me. I’ll have no one left.” I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. The words he was saying didn’t make sense in response to what I meant, the fog in my head from the multitude of shots I had clouding every logical thought. 

“Huh? I have to go home at some point. I can’t live here with you, Chan. As much fun as that would be.” There was some truth to that, I realized. I could picture it in my drunken mind’s eye and for a split second, it was everything I had ever wanted come alive. A reality that would always be there in another life where I had the guts to say something. And the even rareer chance that he felt the same. 

“Ha. That would be fun. You would never have to leave then. You could take care of me all the time.” What I wouldn’t give… He was slow to rise from the couch, I suspected any sudden movement would make his insides turn out. And that was a mess neither one of us wanted to clean up. 

“Come on, superstar. Let’s go.” He grabbed another hold around my waist now, his touch more intimate than the one around my shoulder when we first arrived. I tried not to read too much into it. It’s not like it meant anything to him. He was out of his mind, didn’t know what he was doing. We shuffled down the hall to his room, him falling on the bed like he fell on the couch. He burst into laughter into his pillow, my fit of giggles not far behind. 

“Why did you fall like that? You looked like a domino.” I sat on his bed at his feet, getting comfortable.

“I don’t know.” His laughter got louder before it died down. What I couldn’t see was his face scrunching up as his own memeories of the day flew together, ready to attack him as soon as he would let them. I wasn’t expecting the sniffles to come. Well, maybe I should have considering how many shots he had. 

“Chan?” I said again. A long pause, the air thick with a new sadness. 

“I saw her again today.” I knew he was talking about her. I sighed but stayed quiet, afraid of what I would say if I spoke. My words tonight had slipped past every filter I ever had, a new sense of honesty I never had before. Another thing to blame the alcohol for. 

“Why didn’t she love me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Not a question meant for my ears. 

“I do.” 

It was barely a whisper. A response to a question that didn’t require one. His retort was too quick for him to realize in what way I meant. 

“You have to say that. You’re my best friend.”

“But that’s not how I meant it.”

He was still. I wasn’t sure if he was breathing but I didn’t care. Now was the time. This was the moment. When I had no filters or second guesses. Now would be the time I would spill it all out, everything. Risking our entire friendship in sixty seconds. I could only stare at the wall.

“I’m in love with you. Have been for a couple years now. I hated keeping it from you but I had no other choice. So all those old girfriends were right. Of course, all the other boys know too. Have for a long time. And now that I can face the fact that you don’t feel the same, I can tell you this and I can move on. I can release it. I can let you go. I love you. I am in love with you. And you do not feel the same. And that’s okay.” I took a deep breath, still without the courage to look in the space around his direction. “Because at least now you know and I can start to kill these feelings one by one until I can stomach you being around other girls. Beause it kills me inside when you talk about yourself like that. Every time you and I would argue about your girlfriends complaining to you and you think it’s your fault. It kills my very soul. You are the best person anyone could ever know. They way you make people feel about themselves, they way you make me feel… I’ve never found that in anyone else. Only you. The way you care about me, you make me feel loved.” My shoes were dirty from the path we walked. I would have to wash them when I got home. 

“I love your laugh the most I think. It makes me feel whole. I love the little squeak you get when you laugh too hard. It sounds like a door hinge.” I smiled to myself, a sudden sadness as I thought I wouldn’t hear it again after this. Not for a long while at least. “I always get butterflies when you touch me. They started back in high school and they never left. I would always try to hug you when I could, which was good because I knew you liked touchy people. But the more I would do it, the more I craved it. I started to crave you. I never knew I liked attention until I tasted yours. And that was it. I was ruined.” Another sad smile as I stood up. He was probably asleep by now, listening to me drone on and on. I could make it home now on my own, the sudden pouring of the build up of the last however many years finally coming to a breaking point. I was never drinking again. I longed for some fresh air, this room suddenly too small. My hand had just brushed the door handle, ready to leave the dream I had held onto for so long in this room, in this moment for good. My life’s sustainment, the only reason I had bothered to come this far. To leave it all on the table for it to be brushed under a rug, never to be looked at or mentioned again.

 Until I heard it.

“And what if I love you too?”

It was so quiet, I thought I had imagined it. 

“You don’t mean that like I want you to.” I opened the door further, certain that I didn’t want to hear his next words.

“But I do.” The grip on my heart, my veins, tightened. There was no way.

“But-” I turned slowly, still not sure if I was dreaming. But if I pinched myself, I wouldn’t get to see how this dream would play out. “What-” I couldn’t think of any words. I could only shake my head in disbelief. “You can’t be serious. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Look at me. Please. And tell me if you think I dont know what I’m saying.”

I looked, really looked at him, for what felt like the first time. Into those eyes that held nothing but clarity and truth. And I felt like I was falling into them all over again. 

“I don’t believe you. I can’t. I don’t believe this is actually happening to me right now.” 

He sat up to lean against his headboard, head lolling to the side, no doubt feeling heavy.

“You know that box I keep by the front door for my keys? Have a look inside. If you still don’t believe me, you can call Changbin and tell him he has a free pass to hit me as hard as he can.” On shaky legs, I raced as quickly as I dared to the front door, eyeing the little wooden box, just big enough for keys and… 

A small, round, white stone. With dark spots. To look like the moon.

I cradled it, afraid it would break or disappear if I blinked. I simply stared at it, unaware that Chan had crept up behind me on silent steps. I felt his eyes on me a second later.

“Why did you keep it?” My voice was as shaky as the rest of me, still coated in disbelief that the one thing I wanted more than anything could actually be mine. 

“Because that was when it started. I’ve been yours ever since.”

I felt myself turning to face him, still locked on the stone in my hand. I heard him come closer, tilting my chin up to look him in his beautiful eyes. Open for me to see every wonderful thing he had ever thought of me, the warmth inviting me in to stay forever. His hands moved to cup both my cheeks, his body so close I could feel his heart racing alongside mine. 

“I still feel like I’m dreaming.” I whispered against his lips, so close to mine. Too close. There was nowhere I could run to, nowhere I could hide from his fire, his want for me. For me. 

“Me too.” He whispered back.

And then he kissed me.

He poured everything he was into me, his apologies, his laughter, his sincerity. I threw everything I had at him. My darkest thoughts, my hardest moments, my deepest fears. He still did not budge. He waited for more, wanting, needing everything. Every part of me was his for the taking. My soul was his for good. 

It was the feeling of finding money in the pocket of a pair of jeans you hadn’t worn in a while. It was a warm summer night after a day spent with friends, comforting and familiar. It was love, wrapped in your favorite blanket with a warm drink in your hands. He was love, finding me at long last. 

He was mine. 

No one else’s.

Not back then.

Not ever again. 

Only

Mine.

[jewbeloved]

I saw that you are accepting requests and I wanted to ask if you can do a headcannon of the main four with a s/o who is about 2 years older than them who takes care of them and helps with some things like lessons and other things and they start to like the s/o more than a platonic feeling.I don't know if it was a bit confusing what I meant but I hope you understand! and also sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language

Team Stan with an older s/o that takes care of them❤️‍🩹💖💖❣️

What? I just like using new dividers 😏😏

Rant at the end of this post by the way.

Warnings: I don't know what to put as a warning.

Gender: Neutral

❤️🧡 The Main Four 💚💙

That gif that I put right there is their reaction to seeing you for the first time.

With this, you'd probably be a 5th grader but close to being a 6th grader though.

Knowing how the 6th graders often bother the boys, they were still unsure of you.

But it's kinda odd on how they immediately changed their expression when you always volunteered to babysit them whenever they were unsupervised.

You protect them from the 6th graders, you help them do their school work/homework, and you remind them to take care of themselves.

They literally will start bragging to everybody in the school and to their classmates on how they got somebody as cool as you and nobody else could ever pull someone like you.

It's been a few weeks since you became friends with the boys and had always taken care of them, they love your company so much!

You are friends with them and all...but....maybe they want to be even more then friends with you....

They know that you are a 5th grader and close to being a 6th, but they might not see anything wrong with that. (They literally simped for a teacher in that one episode ;-;)

You started to notice that they have been acting more strangely with you every time you were around them.

But you just shrugged it off without thinking too deeply about it.

You still viewed them in a platonic way, but they don't like that. They WANT to be more than friends with you can't you see that?! Or are they not showing enough signs for you to get the message????

They have been doing this for a while now, and you STILL don't get it. They might just have to step up their game If they want to win your heart then since showing you normal romantic signs isn't enough....❤️🧡💚💙❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Ehhhh, sorry that it turned out to be a yandere scenario at the end.

But I actually want to rant about something first, so I'll make this quick as possible. So first off, I find it pretty annoying when people come on your blog, YouTube channel, or wherever and comment stuff like 'They're kids', 'stop sexualizing minors'.

And then they proceed to ignore those who ACTUALLY sexualize minors. Like how does that even make sense???

My guess is that these people haven't seen people dating in highschool, middle school, and elementary school. (Yes, I have seen people dating in elementary school, even my siblings saw it too)

But anyways, sorry you guys had to see me rant like this and it turned out to be long. This just has been bothering me lately and I wanted to get it off my chest.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Swiftie Anon

Hi guys! I got an ask from an anon that might be triggering so I'm copy-pasting it here so I can put a 'read more' button. I'm naming them Swiftie Anon because they said Taylor really helped them.

TW: SH, SI

Hi Cas, hope you’re ok, because I sure as hell am not. Trigger warning, like mentions of self harm and stuff like that I think.

I’m a seventh grader and recently I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than I usually do. During the pandemic I was in 3rd grade and I kinda realized how much life sucked, but when I went back to school in 5th grade, I realized that this hadn’t occurred to anyone else. I kind of brushed it off bc I’ve always been sort of a pessimist but then I sixth grade I started having suicidal thoughts, I think. I just felt really done with everything, I didn’t want to draw or read or write, and my parents were pissed all the time, it felt like my friends were bored of me (I have abandonment issues from all my friends in elementary school leaving me) (I think)and I thought it would just be easier to not exist anymore, it wasn’t that good. I discovered Taylor, the angel that she is, she just felt…like a friend, like she was right there, you know, and I’ve been mostly okay-ish since. But school fucking sucks and in 7th grade I had to do a presentation in front of my class and I started crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t even stand up. I think I have anxiety idk. I’ve always been shy, and I’ve hyperventilated before when my parents were yelling at me about stuff and my arms started bleeding because I was digging my nails into them. My parents found out at conferences and I got grounded. my brother knows bc he walked in on me crying and hyperventilating once but he’s leaving for college next year and idk how the fuck I’ll stay together without him. My younger sister and I are really close, but I don’t want to drag her in onto this stuff. And ik once I get to high school it’ll be even worse bc high school sounds horrible and I might be all alone again bc I might not go to the same high school as my friends

I haven’t said a word about this to anyone voluntarily and I know I can’t tell my parents. I always lie on those surveys you get at the doctor, and my parents are always saying I should have a more positive outlook on life and try to be happier and it makes me so pissed bc I am trying as hard as I can to be happening but nothing fucking works.

idk what do with myself anymore, a teacher mentioned college today and I almost broke down sobbing bc I don’t think I’ll let myself live that long. It’s just…really hard and everyday feels like years. Should I tell someone? I’m not as bad as I was in 6th grade, but I know I should be getting help somehow. But I suck at asking for things and I can’t trust any adults.

sorry for the rant, I just need some advice. And a virtual, pat on the head or something, idk.

---

Hi hon!

First, (with your permission), I'm like to give you a virtual hug, because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot <3

I'm gonna be really real with you right now: You need to ask for some help. You have a lot going on, and some really heavy feelings, and you don't deserve to be dealing with them at ALL, let alone by yourself.

You're young, and you have SO MUCH life left to enjoy, and suffering through it like this isn't fair. So I'm going to share something about myself with you, okay?

When I was younger, I was very depressed. I was in a bad relationship and I felt very trapped, and I got to a point similar to you.

One day, I got so overwhelmed that I sort of realized that I either needed to ask for help or I would end up making a really bad decision. So, I asked for help.

Again, I'm going to be real: It was SUPER scary. I had to see a lot of doctors and I cried a lot. But after a lot of work, I was able to get better, and now, years later, I am in a (different) healthy relationship, and I have a job and a pet, and I'm here talking to you.

I know this sounds stupid because it's like some feel-good story and right now I'm sure you feel less than great. But I say this because you NEED to ask for help, even if it is difficult. Because there are real things past this feeling. A future job, a future relationship (if you want), a future pet, future kids (if you want). They're all very real and achievable and this feeling is temporary, even thought it feels so permanent right now.

So I'm going to give you some options, since it seems like you don't want to talk to your parents:

Talk to a doctor. Doctors are trained to help you, and they have a lot of resources.

Talk to a trusted teacher. Teachers can sometimes be amazing resources as well, and a lot of them want to listen when you ask to talk.

Talk to a different adult (aunt, uncle, coach, someone!) that you feel close to that will help.

Call/text/message a hotline. Here is an example of a hotline you can talk to via messaging, text, or phone, depending on what you prefer.

But you need to ask for help, because you DESERVE to be happy and living your best life.

It would make me super happy if you message/inboxed me an update, whether you're doing better, worse, or the same! I'm so proud of you for reaching out and I'm cheering you on!

[kunaigirl]

Hello! I just came across your epilepsy awareness/information post on my dash, and I wanted to ask you something about it if that's alright. You mentioned that having seizures as a kid made you forget alot of stuff and you had to relearn how to read as a 9-10 y/o. Can I ask about that? What was it like? Did things come back to you over time or was it a square one thing? Where you ever held back a grade? I'm not trying to be nosy, I'm just honestly very curious because I've never heard of something like that. I don't have epilepsy so I don't know (but I learned lots from your post and the links you included). I've asked one of my friends who does have it and he said stuff like that can happen but we don't know anyone who has irl. If it's not ok you can ignore this message. I don't want to make you upset, I'm just super curious about what it was like to experience.

Sorry I sat on this for a few days, I've been thinking of how to respond to it. First of all, thank you for asking so politely, that gesture alone means a lot. Anyways, it's ok to ask about it, I don't mind. It's a very alienating experience that had such a heavy impact on my core development, I've always felt really alone and even embarrassed by it. Maybe talking about it can help someone else feel less alone/traumatized. (Long read ahead)

I don't remember a lot of what lead up to when the memories vanished, but I know (from what my mom's told me that my doctors told her) that it was a fucked up reaction to the combination of the dose of medication I was on and the seizures I still kept having despite being on said does. This was back in 2001-2002. I started the process of re-learning from square one in 2003 as a home schooled 3rd grader. It didn't stick and I had to start all over again a few times, and I was still in the process of relearning from 2004-2005, which is when I was 9-10 years old. Also it wasn't just reading, it was writing too.

From what I've gathered, I had a bad enough case of epilepsy where the child meds weren't working, so they had me on a low dose of an adult medication instead, Starting at age 6. There was no way I was making it out of that without complications. I don't remember if I just woke up one day without any memory of how to read, or if it was a slower process of forgetting over a period of days. It's all way too blurry. The school district didn't want to deal with such a personalized learning program for just one kid, so I was home schooled.

What I DO remember was how much time I would spend crying. I KNEW that I learned how to read already, I KNEW I went to school with all the other kids and passed all the tests/etc. I recognized the covers of books I HAD read, and even remembered what was in them, but the words themselves were completely foreign. Gone.

It was like looking at a copy of a book you already read, but it's a different language. You know what's in it, but you don't know what words or symbols you're looking at. I knew this was the language I knew, the one I was speaking. It was ripped away from me, and I felt so stupid. Being told I wasn't going back to school because of it made me feel like a freak. You never feel like more of a freak than when you're 8 years old, struggling your ASS off to read "Cat in the Hat" It hurt in ways I wouldn't wish on anyone. The word "shame" doesn't even begin to cover it. It all felt so damn heavy.

People at the library or books stores would chime in and say "Oh! You don't want that BABY book do you? What about this one instead?" And I would take what they handed me, smile until they left, and then I'd put it down and run to go cry in the public bathroom. I couldn't read what they suggested. I was so furious with myself, it always happened. When we moved out of state in 2006 (6th grade) the schools were more willing to work with me privately, so I was back in public school once again.

From that point on, I was relearning with tutors and teachers in total secret. I hid all of these struggles from my middle school friends because I was horrified how they'd react if they knew about my struggles. Middle school was already fucked up enough. The books I'd carry around that I was "reading for fun" around them were always decoys. I had medical paperwork (IEP documents) that required ALL classes to give me extra time for tests and book reports by law.

Even though my hard work DID pay off and I (obviously) learned how to read and write again, I didn't feel "comfortable" reading until probably age 14. On top of ALL THAT I also developed dyslexia, and I also already had ADHD too. So, it's STILL a struggle sometimes. It's just something I have to live with. I still to this day read really slowly, like, it takes me months to finish one book slowly, but goddamn it, I'm still fucking reading.

I'm 28 years old now, it's been a long time since then. It was a part of my life I was forced by circumstances to experience, and it took a TON of extra hard work just to get to where I am now. I want to give myself some credit for that, and I will NEVER let myself feel ashamed of this struggle ever again. If anyone out there had any experience even remotely similar to this, I see you. I see how strong you are. Keep your head up, and keep reading.

[when-are-you-coming-back-steve]

What’s your new Anger? (this is the inaction to tell me I am a big fan of your crit posts. You make them consider and understandable while not being condescending to the reader (so so affectionate :) ))

OHOH BOY Heres the thing, I dont really post crit for much. Usually I will like and reblog some valid posts that come up naturally and if its really a problem for me I tend to leave easy. But Thomas Sanders is killing me and takeover is a bad influence /j

But basically he reminds me of the worst coworkers you've had and he's just. Terrible at the job he ASSIGNED HIMSELF. He brands himself as a youtuber. He promises videos for one of his most popular endeavors which was lowkey a rebranding after vine was shut down and he was no longer a popular comedian on vine. And then he abandoned his largest project. And that wouldn't be a problem! If he did what majority of other cc's do. So many youtubers leave behind what made them popular, the move on the other things because it makes them happy and allows them to continue to bring content. There's usually some fans who are angry at this move but atleast most of those youtubers are transparent about this change. They communicate with their community setting the expectations going forward and they stick with them! Thomas has not done this.

He promised us a large amount of work going into making a season finale, and then making another season and he might not be able to push out content at the rate he has done before but thats because he's putting everything into the finale

But we've had very little sander sides content since then. And these have their own problems as being short and "not being part of the main storyline" or being blatant ads. But Thomas is still cranking out other content, he took up tiktok where he is reliving his vine era, he plays games on a side channel. He streams but only for people that pay him. We took the long wait and said fine. Its nothing these fans haven't done before. But then he goes and months and months after he promised us the finale, he tells us he has began working on the script. What was he doing in those months? How is he only just starting bare basics of this thing we have been waiting on forever. Can you imagine this in a professional setting? You're coworker hell your boss has major procrastination on important projects and refuses to give you a timeline? But they still expect to be paid and continue their job while they are doodling in their office.

He attempts to reason this away with not having a lot of people and the pandemic inhibiting the team from filming. First of all they haven't hadnt had anything to film with the finale because they are still working on the script. The pandemic is no longer a major world problem right now. And when it was that wouldn't of had to stopped planning or filming, it might be harder to do with only one person there but it is possible and manageable!

When he does have his team it boggles my mind! I was in schools news in middle school, we worked in teams of 5-7. Each team was pushing out a video every week/every two weeks. Each video had an original hand crafted intro that was never done before on another episode in our show. We had multiple skits. We had announcements and weather and what we were having thst day. We had news anchors thst led us into each segment. This was all planned, filmed and edited by the team. Was it perfect? No but we had content constantly coming out with completely original ideas everytime while we were still learning how to edit videos. We spent an hour every school day on these, we also split those hours with assignments we had due. We cranked this stuff out in a max total of 14 hours. These tiny 6th graders did amazing work despite being children who are using Adobe for the first time and having such little time. This experience has made me more understanding of what exactly these youtubers do, its hard time consuming work. And this understanding is what makes me so angry about Thomas not having any progress in the finale. This absolutely could have been done by now. This absolutely could have been done months ago.

Tldr: Thomas sanders refuses to communicate effectively with his fans and to work efficiently on this project. The fact that this has been going on for over 900 days is absolutely atrocious. This is his job, one that he signed up for. If he was working for anyone in any field including this one he would have been fired. We deserved better than this and deserve better than him continuing to drag this out.

[ioannemos]

I kinda want to send you all the ask numbers! How about #5-15? (Also if you see a follow notification from me… I just accidentally pressed ‘unfollow’ instead of ‘ask’ on your blog oops😭)

haha, don't worry about it 😁 have we not all followed or unfollowed someone by accident at least once?

what made you start your blog?

i think it was bc some online friends from a teeny tiny forum dedicated to a lotr fanfic series had moved to tumblr

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best: sharing thoughts, ideas, art, perspectives, knowledge, etc... beautiful art, ideas that expand my understanding of the world, etc

worst: realizing that there are people out there who believe things worse than i'd ever imagined o_o

what scares you the most and why?

hmm. being alone, maybe? i'm an introvert but i've never been really on my own and while i've been trying to stretch those muscles it's really unpleasant and exhausting

any reacquiring dreams?

i assume this means "recurring" and no, not exactly. recurring themes, yes: locations that just keep going despite being indoors, something being terribly wrong with me and i'm trying to fix it but nobody will leave me alone, something being terribly wrong with me and i'm trying to get help but no one will listen are the first three that come to mind 🙃

tell a story about your childhood

buckle up, it's a long one

i was in awana for most of my childhood/teens and when i was in fourth grade (i think) my group got a new leader. her name was miss debbie. miss debbie was no-nonsense. miss debbie had standards. thus, miss debbie was the first leader i respected - other leaders would let you get away with only mostly knowing your Bible verses. not miss debbie. she'd send you back until you really knew it

at our particular group, you earned mall merits for wearing your uniform, bringing your Bible, bringing friends, and for each completed section of your workbook. at the end of the night, you could go to the mall set up at the back of the room. on offer were the usual things: candy, stick-on earrings, pens probably, the kind of little stuff you might think would appeal to 3rd through 6th graders. none of these appealed to me bc yes, i wore my uniform, and yes, i brought my Bible, but i had no friends to bring, and i fought to complete every section of my book. i was not about to waste my mall merits on candy. fortunately, there was also miss shirley. miss shirley brought in beanie babies. beanie babies last

it was forty mall merits for a regular beanie baby and fifty for the bears. as no one was bringing in forty or fifty mall merits in a single night, you could tell miss shirley which one you wanted, she would set it aside, and at the end of the night you'd bring her what mall merits you'd earned and she'd put them down in her spiral notebook. miss shirley scared me to death (she was probably just an older lady with resting bitch face or something. alas, i just remember being scared of her) but she had beanie babies, so at the end of every night i'd screw my courage to the sticking place and give her the mall merits i'd earned that night. in a year (awana ran through the school year) i could earn two beanie babies

what does this have to do with miss debbie? i'm so glad you asked

what must have been halfway through the year, i paid off my first beanie baby and looked over the other ones on offer. none of them immediately grabbed my attention, so i figured i'd just hang onto my mall merits until the next week and see if any new ones came in. while hanging around waiting for my parents to pick me up, i noticed miss debbie over by the beanie babies. she picked up one. perhaps miss shirley said something to her, i don't remember. i remember that miss debbie set the beanie baby back down and said, somewhat defensively, "i like dogs"

once miss debbie stepped away from the table, i re-approached, looked over the beanie babies for the dog she'd picked up, found it, and told miss shirley i wanted that one

as the end of the year came on, i was so concerned that i wouldn't have enough mall merits to buy it. i'm fairly sure i counted the sections left in my book to try to calculate if i had enough. i even considered asking miss linda, the director, for make-up work in case i wasn't going to make it

fortunately, that wasn't the case: the last official day of awana, i had enough. i gave miss shirley the last mall merits and the dog was mine. i promptly went to miss debbie and gave her the dog

she was surprised. maybe stunned is a better word. she said at first that she couldn't take it. i thought at the time she was talking about bribery. i insisted - i had heard her. she liked dogs. i had been intending it for her from the start. she had to take it

finally she did. i think she was a little teary. she said thank you. i was just relieved that i didn't have to argue with her anymore

the next week, at the award ceremony, she gave me a thank you card with a similar-looking dog on the front. i still have it somewhere

i don't think miss debbie came back to awana. at any rate, she wasn't my leader after that. i want to meet her in heaven. i want to ask her what i was like as a fourth grader bc i don't trust my memory. i want to tell her that she was one of my favorite adults ever. i want to tell her that i kept the thank you card

would you say you’re an emotional person?

hmm, yes and no? i have lots of emotions about everything but they're very transitory. i get mad at something little and then a few heartbeats later it's gone. i see the cranes in the field and am filled with joy; we pass the field and the joy vanishes. that kind of thing

what do you consider to be romance?

i have no idea lol i've had exactly one crush for a little less than a week at the height of the lockdowns and the farthest my imagination got was the holding hands stage 😂 i can't think of anything that isn't also like. a sign of a really good friendship (loyalty, unashamed affection, open communication, etc)

what’s some good advice you want to share?

if you're tired and have time to take a nap, try not to go longer than 20 minutes

figure out the easiest way for you to drink more water. i got a straw lid for my water bottle and it's made it so much easier, even without attaching the straw part. i've also tried different additives to find ones i really like, bc if you don't like it, you won't drink it

when starting a craft project, you're always going to need a little more than you think you'll need. "more what?" more everything. time. space. yarn. paint. tape. whatever you're buying, borrowing, setting aside, or clearing space for, figure out what you need, and then get a little more

what are you doing right now?

listening to music and half-reading fanfic from a fandom i'm not really in heh

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

oh, so many things............

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

oof. that's a complicated one. it's not a location or a person. it's wisconsin, sort of. it's also idaho, sort of. heaven, ultimately, in a very c. s. lewis "the last battle"/"the great divorce" kind of way

[nanowrimo]

Back to School: Interview with Aly Mirasol, Young Writers Program Educator

NaNoWriMo’s Young Writers Program helps over 85,000 kids, teens, teachers, and families set creative goals and tell stories they care about. We asked some of our amazing YWP educators to share how they take on the NaNoWriMo challenge in their classroom. Today’s advice comes from Aly Mirasol, a middle school Humanities teacher in West Seattle, Washington.

Q: What grade/ age level do you work with? What type of NaNoWriMo group is it (whole class, club, homeschool, elective, etc.)?

A: 6th-8th grade

Q: How long have you been doing NaNoWriMo with your students?

A: 2 years

Q: How do you structure the entire project (for example, do you start prepping in October and write in November, do you have kids work on it all year, etc.)?

A: We start prepping at the beginning of October, write all of November, and edit in December/January! I then send the books to be published in February and they usually arrive in March.

Q: What does a normal NaNoWriMo day look like for your students?

A: We'll do 15 minutes of writing to start class—some instrumental music to set the tone—but since it's a combo English/History class, we move into other curriculum after. The first and last days of November are full writing days; other than that, they're encouraged to keep writing at home, and most of them really go for it.

Q: How do you set and manage word-count goals?

A: We have conferences at the end of October to determine individual goals. They'll do a 15-min practice session to see how many words they can get in that time, and then we'll look at examples of different story lengths. Halfway through the month, they have the option to change their goal if they talk to me and provide ample reasoning.

Q: How do you manage grading? Do you grade?

A: I grade based on effort—are they trying to write every day?—and then we have an editing checklist for after November. I try to keep the month itself low-stress and more about their creative process, less about worrying over a grade.

Q: How do you approach revision/ publishing (if at all)?

A: I use Barnes & Noble, which we really enjoy since the books come out looking very professional! They'll grab an editing partner and work through formatting, grammar, etc., and I help them with that as well.

Q: Any NaNoWriMo tips or tricks to share with other educators? Hard-won lessons? Ah-ha moments?

A: We made a progress chart that the kids could opt-in for, and they really seemed to enjoy coloring their graphs each day with how much progress they made!

Q: Have you ever run into resistance from your administration about doing NaNoWriMo, and if so, how did you manage it? What do you say to people who don’t see the point of having students write novels? 

A: Luckily, no resistance. To people who question it, I just talk about the passion that comes out of it & how great it is for the kids to have the freedom to write about whatever they want and come out of the process as a published author.

Q: What are the most meaningful things you or your students take away from the project? What's your best NaNoWriMo memory?

A: I had an 8th grader this year who I was having trouble connecting with at first-- very withdrawn, quiet-- but he went all-in on this project and just started to shine. Now that he's graduated, he still emails me and is working on publishing a short story now, and we started a book club for over the summer! I just think it's so great to see kids come into their own during this project.

Q: Anything else you'd like to add?

A: I love NaNoWriMo so, so much, and my kids do, too. Thank you for everything you do. :) Aly Mirasol is a middle school Humanities teacher in West Seattle, Washington. Aside from all things reading and writing, they like to spend their time swimming in the ocean, coaching, playing outdoors, and relaxing with their two cats. Their current project is building a massive bookshelf to hold an ever-growing collection of books—some of which are their students' own NaNoWriMo projects!

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[annegirl13]

Back to Books!

I really fell off the reading goal bandwagon after, what, January? Let’s blame the ADHD for that hyperfixation fizzling out. But! I’m back to reading now. I’ll call it a combination of long car rides, a need for background noise while cleaning and doing tasks on my own, and a desire to be a good example to my new students.

So what have I read in the past month? (I’m no particular order, and it might have been more like 6 weeks…)

I finished:

The Ramona Quimby Collection by Beverly Cleary - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Technically this was 8 books (?) I have read all the Ramona books in the past. I think my favorites are Beezus and Ramona and Ramona’s World, so the start and end of the series. It’s interesting to see Ramona and Beezus grow up through each book. These books bring back a lot of memories for me. I give them a collective four stars.

Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

An absolute classic and a masterpiece. Picked this one specifically because I want to read it to my third graders. Absolutely beautiful. If you haven’t read this one, do it! The full cast recording was pretty good. (As a kid I think I had the tapes with E.B. White reading it himself, which was also fantastic if you can find it.)

Redwall by Brian Jacques - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

An old favorite. Brian Jacques was a wonderful world builder and this is the one that started the series. Four stars, with one just for the full cast recording. Jacques was the master of those!

Mattimeo by Brian Jacques - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Sequel to Redwall so I had to follow up with this one. More lovely world building, fun characters, and amazing performances.

Taggerung by Brian Jacques - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

My favorite Redwall book. I love all the characters and the plot, and I get songs from this stuck in my head! Absolutely gorgeous.

Coraline by Neil Gaiman - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A modern classic, in my opinion, but I had to stop listening to it until daytime. Something about listening to it at night on my own was too creepy! Neil Gaiman’s voice is one I could listen to no matter what he read.

The Losers Club by Andrew Clements ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A new (to me) book by a favorite author! I really connected with the main character, who is a book lover to the point he gets in trouble at school for reading when he’s not supposed to! I so relate! The story was really fun and had a great message. I might do this one as a read aloud for my kiddos. Alec (the main character) is in 6th grade, but I think my kiddos could understand. It has a list of recommended books at the back, many of which I have not read (yet!)

I’m currently reading:

High Rhulain by Brian Jacques - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Another good Redwall book. I like the character and all the riddles. This one is a comfort read. It gets stars because I’ve read it before.

A House with Good Bones by T. Kingfisher

Just checked this one out from the library and then thought, “Oh! I haven’t done a reading update. I should do that!” I’ll let you know how it is. It looks a little spooky!

Not sure if I’ll dig out my tracking blanket project, but I at least wanted to share these. I want to teach my class to share what they’re reading and how they feel about books, so like I said, I’m setting a good example.

[squirmydonnie]

My NBB has been different lately. Shes been more like how I was in 6th grade. But less funny.

Um. To explain further shes dressing how I did. She's kinda acting like a 6th grader. Humor wise. And I have to keep bringing that up because its becoming more and more apparent.

I really need her to stop with the jokes.

She jokes about how she was in 6th grade but doesn't mention any of the other stuff I told her. And she asks me to talk about it but why would I want to talk about that??

Other times its just a picture of herself and shes like I look so bad in the picture. And its the most regular picture.

Or like she'll show me her ID and I told her today, "I'm not going to make fun of you". Because I'm not. Like what.

She said she just wants me to agree but I can't. I used to have a crush on you actually.

And then it's the terrible do this anime face jokes. Nothing much to explain here. I just don't think thats funny.

Shes getting little kawaii stickers and clothes. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with this stuff. I liked it for a reason. It's just the circumstances that make it awkward for me. Like when I was dressing and enjoying things like this you we not being kind to me. And wasn't because of the clothes I was wearing, you've explained you were jealous of my art and you had this phase of hating "girl things". Being a tomboy i guess. But none of those things were the problem.

If that was how you felt that's fine, but why do you need to bother me about it.

Like when I see you dressed like this and actually like this it just reminds me of what was, I guess taken from me.

I'm glad you've gotten healthier like you wanted to, that you wearing the clothes you like, you get the things that you want. It just gets very frustrating, because idk how i feel anymore.

Like I don't want to be your friend, not really. I wrote that down in my diary in 6th grade.

The exact quote is " she is not my friend anymore but I will help her".

I tried so hard, and once I gave up you started being nicer to me.

Then you changed your mind and said "it was such I long time ago". "Why do you still have that?". And it was literally from a year ago.

And then you changed your mind again and decided you would be nicer.

And you are.

[creaturebehavior]

thinking about this time in 6th grade

to preface i made friends that year with these girls Ana and Kasey and they both had braces, but it wasn’t something i ever really thought about

well this one time me and Kasey both went to hang out at Ana’s house for the first time, and for lunch we had pizza. we had utensils at the table and i observed as Kasey and Ana both used a knife and fork to eat their pizza without even discussing the idea with each other first. in my head i was like what the hell?? i had never seen someone eat pizza with a knife and fork before. i thought well maybe this is the way girls are supposed to eat pizza, because it’s more dainty. as long as i’ve been socializing with people i’ve relied heavily on mirroring to try and skate by. i remember it felt like with each year i got older, being a girl had a new set of rules and i was constantly confused by it but desperately would try to keep up. Well, in this moment i assessed the situation before i dared take a bite of pizza. i wasn’t about to be rejected like that time in 1st grade i went over to a new 2nd grader friend’s house and she and her neighbor proceeded to inform me there was now a cool way to dance and if i danced any other way i was immediately uncool and couldn’t be friends with them.

i figured, better follow suit. i’m not gonna bite into this pizza and look like a loser and a slob and get rejected. i have to play it cool. so i copied them. without saying anything i reached for a knife and fork and began cutting into and eating my pizza

they both looked at me and one of them was like “do you always use a fork and knife with your pizza?” Well how was i supposed to answer that? i responded with “sometimes” and they both looked at me a little funny and Ana said “i only do this because i have braces” and Kasey said “yeah me too”

and thankfully they were pretty nice people they didn’t bully me over this silly moment but yeah i think about it from time to time lol

god i’m terrible at telling stories lol this post was so hard to write coherently and for what lol

[harrpyotter]

The Average Fourth Grader Is a Better Poet Than You (and Me Too) BY HANNAH GAMBLE

While in graduate school at the University of Houston, I supplemented my income by working as a writer in residence for Writers in the Schools (WITS). I was with WITS for three years, during which I visited third, fourth, and fifth grade classrooms, and worked with groups of students visiting the Menil museum of art, the Houston Historical Society, and the Houston Arboretum.

When first hired by WITS, I expected that working to explain some of my favorite poems to fourth graders would result in me becoming a better teacher of poetry. What I wasn't expecting was that (thanks to having my brain blown apart on a weekly basis as I browsed my students' folders of barely legible poems) I would become a better poet.

Here are some lines written by students in grades 3rd-6th:

"The life of my heart is crimson.”

[Writing about a family member's recent death:]

"My brother went down/ to the river

and put dirt on.”

"Peace be a song,

silver pool of sadness”

"Away went a dull winter wind

that rocked harshly, and bent you said,

'Father, father'.”

[Writing about a terminal illness:]

"I am feeling burdened

and I taste milk……

I mumble, ‘Please,

please run away.’

But it lives where I live.”

"The owls of midnight hoot like me

shutting the door to nothing.”

[Writing about life as a movie:]

"The choir enters, and the director screams

'Sing with more terror!!!'”

"I have provisions. Binary muffins.

It's an in/out/in/out kind of universe.

We cannot help you,

this is a universe factory.

A sound of rolling symbols.

Disappearing rocks, screams of lizards.

Sanity must prevail. Save vs. Do Not."

"I, the star god,

take bones from the

underworlds of past times

to create mankind.”

These young writers are addressing subjects that still obsess poets fifty years older: sadness, death, love, responsibility, aging, family, loneliness, and refuge…and they are addressing these subjects in language that is new, and thus has the power to emotionally effect a well-seasoned (/jaded) reader. The average fourth grader is able to do this because she hasn't been alive long enough to know how to do it (and by “it” I mean talk about the world) any other way.

Story time: When I was a child I believed that one day I might be allowed to cross into an alternate dimension by walking through a quilt hanging on my living room wall. As I got older I stopped believing that this was a possibility—not because I grew to believe that the universe was not an extremely strange place where incomprehensible things could happen on a daily basis, but because I passed year after year after year not being able to enter the spirit realm through a wallhanging.

Anecdote that I hope you'll find relevant: When Jean Piaget began studying the intellectual processes of children, he was not doing so because he had any special interest in children. Piaget was interested, rather, in the intellectual processes of (adult) humans and was seeking a control group. [His first thought was that the best control group would be comprised of martians but, as he did not have access to martians, he decided to use children since children possessed what is farthest from human consciousness.]

So let's look at what happens to our young writers as they age [I took these lines from poems written by middle-school/ high school students (Italics, mine)]:

Snacking on this and that

my friends and I keep the party going

even when it is over”

"Whispers of a

secret crush being unraveled”

"I’m trapped in this hole that

I can’t break through”

"Barack Obama in the White House.

I can feel the inspiration

Can you feel it?”

"Now I feel secure with my head held high.

Sad times. By middle school/high school, the average student has learned how normal people talk. The resulting language is underwhelming and predictable—the safe regurgitations of a thoroughly socialized consciousness.

While the average older student's poems are heavy with allegiance to a limited view of reality, the average younger writer's vision of the world is nimble and surprising—bizarre, yet true.

Last year I spent every Saturday tutoring an extremely undersocialized kid in vocab. When I taught her the word blandishments (“to flatter, coax, sweet-talk, appeal to”) she wrote this sentence: “The blandishments of the sugar flowers made the cake so much more inviting.”

The sentence is interesting because the student understood that a blandishment is something that attracts favorable attention without fully realizing that people almost always use the word to refer to a human action.

The poet’s job is to forget how people do it.

[prettyomoprincess]

How does it sound if you're not sure of who is crawling into your bed..you try to hold your breath and not get so wet so quickly..your trying to feel if it's daddy's rough hands ..you know you'll have a fat daddy cock splitting you in half..as her trys to not put his weight on you..just thick cock sinking deeply..or will it be big brother not caring as he burying his cock in you junior hi little asshole you love being fucked by him bcoz he treats you like a cock hungry pre high 6th grader body gets royally fucked properly..I'm was a good daddy..I eased into my baby girl easy until bouncing her until stretching had been the goal for all those years..I'd love to find her little hairlessness holes beginning to get damp..until our times being alone made her in some time dripping awaiting to hear daddy's voice in her little ear..with rubbing babys little clit till baby said daddy..I think I'm going to pee... excitement ripples to my cock making me rigidly hard without her little hands so full of dadee ..that I could hold her..with my hand completely covering her blood engorged clit between my middle fine and my pointer finger squeezing her clit till I need to use my other hand guiding my thickness with holding her little hairlessness spread so I could place her atop my cockhead as I felt her little frame allowing this fathotdaddymeat slip into her and once I would have the first 3inches deeply inside her before I'd start rubbing babys clit again.. she'd not knowing her first orgasm was going to happen with her saying into my chest as I'd be lowering her onto my cock and rubbing babys pussy like crazy now as she begins to whimper daddy's to big..I'd hush her by saying your making daddy so proud right now as I'd start to feel my heavy cumfilled balls going to flood her tiny channel..all the while knowing the best fucking was to come in her little ass as we'd always spread her tiny rosebud and be thumb fucking her ass regularly..I'd tell her we were training her bottom to be open enough to smear all the cum splashing 4inces then pooling to making her asshole open easier over daddy meat..that way I could get almost half of my cock in her in the early yrs..then I was able to get her almost to my base of my cock in the end..she would always come to mine and mommy's bed when mommy would leave for work so early ..and her little frame warming me and making my cock hard as she'd take her little hands wrapped around my cockhead squeezing..it in her tiny hands would make daddy's cock look enormously impossible to keep from filling her little mouth till it'd squirt out the sides bcoz she knew daddy liked it if she'd use her little mouth to massage all the cum from my heavy balls..as I'd keep her little ass spreading so I could tongue fuck her like every little girl loves when daddy's deeply licking her insides from French kissing her tiny bare pussy..to deeply licking her little ass until I'd empty my nuts in her little mouth..she'd always bring her head out from the blankets smiling & asking "daddy did I do good..am I doing it like the big little girls do it...I'd tell her we'll grade her after she gets daddy's next morning load out of him.. And that after lunch we were going to train her on how deep her ass can take daddy's cock after lunch..then I'd wish her up into my arms to take her to a bath to wash her dirty little holes..so that we can train her on how to massage daddy's cock once inside her little ass..once we pop past her tiny assuring..and she would have to keep squeezing and lessening her ass the entire time if we'd stretching her ass regularly and rubbing her little pussy so long ago.. preparing her for when her time would come for her first orgasm..and here is the morning of her 1'st of many Cummings by daddy cock..now that she's started to cum..I knew that I was going to teach her how to be the 1st perfectly trained fuckdoll of the house..plus she could be teaching her little sisters how to make daddy's heavy cumfilled balls emptying before lunch...

So tell me me...my young friend that's 23..would you had liked to been raised under our roof..and would you rather been the first....or one of babys lil sisters...

i would’ve loved to have been the first… dm me

[jenbert]

Thoughts from 2024 [al]

Since the last post, we have moved from Sherwood and into our Foster City home. So much has changed since then. I had a hard time letting go of our Sherwood home, but Foster City has been great. Amazing weather, better schools, a more suburb feel, and the kids are happy. We do miss having a single family home with a yard, but the home has served us well.

The kids have grown a lot. We'll start with Elijah. Elijah is in 6th grade now, and he is basically a teenager. When we first moved, he kept in touch with his Ponderosa friends -- Brendan, Christian, Domenick, Justin. We signed him up for sports teams with those guys (bball with Justin, football with the others) so that he could maintain those friendships. After about a year, he doesn't contact them as much anymore, as he has made more friends here in Foster City. The kids first went to Audubon Elementary. Elijah had Mr. Doan as a teacher, who turned out to be really good for him. Mr. Doan was stern and didn't take any crap. Elijah, being a new student, seemed to want to be make himself known, so sometimes that came out as speaking out of turn to make a wisecrack. Mr. Doan was good about keeping E focused. Since then, Elijah has become somewhat of a popular guy at school...possibly from his athleticism, his friendliness, and his "rizz" haha. His best friends became Ben, Nate, and Carmello. He also started playing with Peninsula Gold in the Spring 2023. That has been neat to see him grow in his basketball skills and become a great hustle and defensive player. He has become tight with this Gold team too, joining the Winter Select team traveling to Seattle, Phoenix, and LA to play. He's now on the 6th Grade Deuce Elite team. In the last two years, E has grown out his hair, had his voice deepen, went through a huge growth spurt (almost 5'3" now), developed a love for shoes and wanting to always buy closthes. He also constantly plays with his hair. He has become a charming guy who people seem to gravitate towards.

Jalen has also grown a lot since last time we blogged. He has also grown a lot heightwise, he went through a phase of long emo hair. Jalen probably took a little bit longer time developing close friendships in 3rd grade. His best friend at school is Jonah, who he plays fortnite or Roblox with online. Jalen has had great luck with his teachers. His 3rd grade teacher was Mrs. Cheever, who was in her last year of teaching. She would have the kids do practical things like learn how to garden and cook things that they grew. She also taught the kids cursive. We would love hearing about Jalen's days coming home from school. He's now in 4th grade and has Mrs. Guevara, who is another cheerful teacher who loves Jalen. Jalen has grown into a whiz in school. He learns things very quickly, and he thinks like an engineer, often picking things apart in his head. He is very inquisitive about the way things work. In 3rd grade, he was very proud of being the youngest kid in the "final round" session of the Spelling Bee (the only 3rd grader). He has been doing great at Math too. Jalen has also been doing sports. In Fall 2023, he played soccer for the first time since he was 4 or 5. His team came out of the regular season as #1 ranked team, and he even made the Winter Select team! He still has a lot to learn, but he was always very feisty and aggressive in the games. He's also been doing a lot of basketball, which is how he has been keeping in touch with his buddy Mason. Recently he has been on a lot of teams with players that don't have much experience, so we had him try out for Peninsula Gold. He's starting his first season next week! Jalen is a little more reserved than Elijah, and he is very particular about things, just like me! He is basically my mini-me.

Jen has been doing great at Facebook/Meta. We have our separate offices (hers on the 3rd floor, mine on the 1st), and we work at home together sometimes. She's currently very into K-dramas (she's watching one right now), she loves Blackpink (we went to the Vegas concert together in Summer 2023). She is currently doing a Kaiser weight loss program, and I'm very proud and impressed by how she's doing with the program! She continues to plan all of our trips and puts in tons of hours researching, buying things for the trips, and creating itineraries. She definitely keeps our family activities interesting.

I've been definitely feeling like I'm getting older. My body keeps coming up with random things to start hurting after I start back up with exercise. I had started playing basketball with a group of dads through Timmy, but that group kind of fizzled out. I've been working at Noah still...recently has been rough, and I have had thoughts of quitting because it's so much hard work. I kind of want more stability and to just work at a place that has processes on how to do things, whereas at Noah, we're constantly trying to figure out how to do stuff. I want to prioritize time with the family nowadays. Plus, the compensation at a larger company is probably better...just not as much upside with equity.

Other highlights since our last post...

Disney Cruise in summer 2022! We almost didn't make it due to our flight getting canceled....

The Kims recently moved to Millbrae, which is nice since they're much closer.

We went to Korea and Taiwan this past winter. We went on a grand tour of Taiwan, going around the island. We went with Dave's family and Ah-Ma.

We went to Toronto with my fam to celebrate Yeh Yeh and Ma Ma's 50th anniversary

[heart-0f-black]

December 21, 2023

So my birthday was exactly one month ago and here is how my life has been so far as a 15 year old, trashy. I also realized I haven't told you guys much about me so here I am.

I'm still not gonna tell anyone my name and I am 15 years and 1 month old. I am transgender and in the closet. I live with my parents and most of the time my brother when he isn't away at school 40 minutes away. I have a dog named Flash, he is a rat terrier and jack russell mix, and yes he is named after the DC superhero. I have a boyfriend. Our 4 month anniversary is in a week. I am a freshman in highschool and have a decent sized main friend group and am in many others.

This will be my first Christmas without my Grandpa, he died the day before my brother's 19th birthday, 03/31/2023 at 16:49. That is military time for 04:49pm. My grandma misses him very much. We had to move her to a retirement(?) home not to long after he died. We're gonna sell the house soon and my father doesn't seem to care cause him childhood home is back in Ohio but I can tell he still doesn't want to let go of the house.

Today during passing, between 5th and 6th, somebody pulled the fire alarm. (I would share more I am currently in 6th and the only reason I am able to write this is because my teacher postponed our test till tomorrow which sucks because it's the last day before winter break) nobody know who did it or if it was even on purpose but it was a experience that's for sure.

I am in my school's drama club and we are doing a small play between our fall play and spring musical. It's for the kindergarteners and first graders. We're doing Junie B. Jones Is Not a Crook. I'm playing Jim/Mitten Crook/Grandpa Frank Miller/Choir. Normally we'd have more people on cast but it's a small play so people didn't care to audition and there was a perfect amount of people who did audition so it worked out perfectly.

I know nobody will read this since it's longer than my first post which nobody read, but it feels nice to just talk about my life even if it's only the mediocre parts.

Yrs always...