#how do i keep this from happening help
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mira !!! :]
#isat#in stars and time#isat mirabelle#isat spoilers#<- due to act 3 optional content !#the img might be being chewed due to weird canvas size oops ah well#one of these miras is not like the other#one of these miras doesnt belong ASFASFSDAFA#a majority of these are based on things mentioned / that happen in the house cuz i thought itd be fun to draw :D#so like the wilting plant is from gardening room dialogue#the poster with ppl holding hands and sparkly eyes is (i think??) from some SAPSAPSAAP dialogue in one of the first rooms#i tried looking around ISAT to see if it's also in there too but couldnt find it so uh correct me if im wrong if thats NOT an exclusive LOL#side note the 2 in the poster are some old nuz ocs isatified ASDFASFA#funnily enough tho they are from 2 different games if they actually ever met they would hate each others guts i think. hmm...#however both are also the most qualified to help with promotional stuff so theres that ASDFAFA#mira looking at her bonding proposals is sorta on the tin but#the fact that she has like right next to her while she sleeps in her dresser makes me :(#cuz to me it potrays how much theyve been weighing over her cuz of how close shes been keeping them with her vs putting them on a bookshelf#or something idk if that makes sense i dont have proper words atm#but uhhh moving on chalkboard is from one of the optional events#which i think is! important!!! i dont think ive seen many ppl talk about it but!! yeah!#however i too do not have words on it atm but!!! yeah!!!! moving on for now!#the 'mira' that is really just the change god is ofc from the change god event :]#aaand ofc the iconic finish from mira towards the king#and then some misc miras with swords for funsies tbh ASFAFA#but yeah! i like mira a lot actually but as with many things i do not currently have many words to properly articulate *why*#all i know in my heart of hearts is that she is near and dear and special to me personally#one day. one day i will be able to gather my thoughts in a cohesive manner but that day. is not today!#anyway tag talk over :]
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a lesson on good karma digimon survive week 2024 day 4: supporting characters
#digimon#gomamon#digimon survive#survive week#survive week 2024#rambling ahead. you don't have to read the tags beyond bc there's nothing that important tbh... you can just look at the art...#exhausted from being out and doing housework yesterday. then got a last-minute job with very urgent deadline today#finished everything but yeah basically i did anything but art so#irl do be like that aint it#anyway it's been a long time since i played survive and my memory isn't that good#but i always remember the part where we had to protect the gomamon#and later they showed us a path via the dam allowing the team to continue exploring#it reminded me of just how important it is to be nice and do good things whenever and wherever possible#and be mindful with the not-so-good things you do and say#be it good or bad. karma is real even if you don't know when it will get back at you#and you know in visual novel settings. whatever choice you make really determines what happens later on#yeah believe it or not i end up thinking stuff like that by helping a bunch of adorable seal mons...#mmm i'm officially behind now so i might as well take my time while also rest a bit haha ;;#this week has been fun with survive week tho fr. even though i came in unprepared (when will i change)#gotta keep surviving#png
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I’m mostly staying off the Mouthwashing fandom bc I personally don’t want to put myself through whatever discourse is ever going on there. But know I love Anya and Mouthwashing is one of the best games I’ve played that had an SA survivor AND was respectful about it!! The abuse Anya suffered is never portrayed as a spectical for the audience to leer at. They use the art of implication VERY well, and in the end Anya gets to go out dignified. She’s not just Jimmy’s tradgic victim, she’s her own character who makes her own decisions. Jimmy doesn’t get to kill her, she expresses her own agency to do so. She’s also the one who kept the gun away from him for so long. Also she’s SO fucking strong, she’s so cool. Anya I love you.
Also the game’s overarching (but subtle) commentary on rape culture, enabling, and how capitalism almost makes a set dressing for it is peak.
#there’s the easy fandom stuff I don’t like#like the idea Curly is ethier ‘did no worng’ or ‘did his best’#don’t get me wrong I LIKE curly#but he is COMPLICT in what happened to Anya and how it was handled#the bug theme of the game is take responsibility#also I think the fandom thing of ‘Swansea would’ve killed Jimmy if he had known’ has some… weird implications#like Anya didn’t need some big man savior to kill Jimmy for her#she needed Curly her BOSS to side with her and prioritise her safety#Swansea is cool- don’t get me wrong#but the implication everything would have been ok had Anya just told her OTHER (more of a ‘real man’) co worker#feels… icky?#Like I think he would’ve helped her but honestly? he was Jimmy and Curly’s subordinate too#I do think he would have pressed curly and helped Anya#but I’m the way he did in canon- as a supporter#maybe it would’ve been different if he knew Anya could survive#but honestly him letting her go out how she chose and then killing her abuser is based#bc like only Daisuke was going to survive in their minds#but you can tell he gave Anya power in the planning#maybe I’m reading into it#oh and also Anya should get to kill Jimmy with a hammer and then get a free abortion (paid by Curly- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY)#I do think he’d pay if he could- he understands what it’s like to be under Jimmy’s power now#Curly should also pay for her nursing school#as a thank you for being a saint and keeping his ass alive and in the least amount of pain she could#she’s a real one#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing#also hi def mentioned this on my blog before (bc it’s helpful to be semi-open about it to get rid of shame and embarrassment I find)#but the way Anya is handled is very personal to me as a SA Survivor <3 and that’s the lens all of this is coming from-#she deserves the world
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Creation = The Thing (from the tubhole?)
Primary Protector (Creator (not used but could be)) = Tubbo
Rank 1 Shell = Sunny
Guardian = Philza
Shell (in general) = Eggs
Pancake Shell = Empanada
The Mother of Pancake Shell = Bagi
Duck Shell = Chayanne
Trauma Shell = Tallulah
#i can’t talk in chat rn and am dealing™️#qsmp philza#Philza#donno what else to tag#I kinda hope he keeps playing it relatively serious#the idea of Creation being something from either the tubbhole or something Tubbo made#to protect Sunny in case he isn’t there#‘you are my job’ yeah he’s meant to look after her- DID HE JUST POINT AT HER AND SHE DISAPPEAR#I KNEW IF HE POINTED AT YOU YOU GET VOIDED BUT WTF#‘Rank 1 is now Safe’ UH HUH. SURE.#OH HE BROUGHT HER BACK#‘Guardian I am here for you’ ‘how can I trust you?’#‘yes it was warm there like a blanket :)’ ‘no one else is here for me’#SUNNY#‘primary protector is missing.’ ‘Primary Protector put me here for you.’ ‘fear no more’ at least Phil is getting#‘PRIMARY PROTECTOR WILL BE FOUND OR RECOVERED INTO A BACK UP’ WHAT#‘I need your help guardian’ ‘locating (primary protector)’ ‘do you have the data’#Phil trying to explain to Creation what happened and why-#‘primary protector cannot die. primary protector is not alive to begin with.’ WHAT. TUBBO LORE?????
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Do you have a design for Bright Storm? I'm fond of the wise older figure thing you're doing with her
I do NOW
Made her, as well as a revamp of my old Thunder Storm design (I last drew him like a year ago!!) in preparation for some character summaries I plan to bang out after finishing a couple drafts, but Bright in particular gets requested so much (anon you're like the 4th person) that HERE, lady girl and her son be upon ye
I'm thinking about doing the BB!DOTC character summaries in "family" posts, so they're all grouped together the way I plan them to act in the story. Every family is telling a little mini-story of its own, in a way, from the Frost family and their inventing prowess, to the Heart family and how the kits react to Bumble's exile, to the Storm family and how they grapple with Clear Sky's influence.
I wanted to make sure Bright Storm was very large and powerful looking, but in a round, kind of "humble" way. She downplays her strength, her intelligence, and even her better judgement.
So she has these big cheeks, fluffy primordial pouch, poofy tail, keeps her head low-ish. Tends to deny compliments.
I was commiserating with my partner the other day about how intelligent characters aren't allowed to be thick-bodied. So between my fat, beloved Bumble the translator and Bright Storm the wise woman battle strategist I'm feeding us both
I needed to "finalize" their stripe pattern, because I actually plan for TIGERSTAR to have the same one. I'm probably going to update my Tawnypelt and Bramblestar designs to have it too; if they don't look better with Goldenflower's.
I just like the irony and bitterness of it. That these ancient stripes, once so associated with compassion and righteous fury, turn into a "legacy" so divorced from what Thunder Storm and Bright Storm stood for.
Becoming a symbol for the idea of modern ThunderClan and the culture of the new times, not the principles it was founded on.
Also I HAD to do the design thing where Thunder Storm's stripes look like top surgery scars lmao, my beloved transmasc boy
Anyway, I've decided that Thunder Storm was a REALLY dark orange. It bugs me a little, especially in-canon, that he looks nothing like either parent. So in BB he's not too far off color-wise from his mama.
I also removed the old "mane" and replaced it with combination white chest + his father's shoulder burls. The mane is going to become a Forest Cat trait, which is why it's going to get so prominent in ThunderClan.
Instead, Mountain Cats have a REALLY high concentration of ear tufts in their genes. They're also huge and generally hairy.
Funny enough though they're also "oily." They come from the Lake Cat population which was pretty water-resistant because of constantly dealing with the lake, and they haven't lived in the Mountains long enough for natural selection to get rid of it.
It's going to become SUPER advantageous for those who move to the River Kingdom, but become less prominent in the other populations.
But for now, Mountain Cats are kinda... well, naturally 'stinky.' That's not a BAD thing to cats who are animals who LIKE strong smells, but it is a notable trait that I'd like The Wind Runner in particular to comment on.
Thunder Storm: "Well? What did she say?"
Bumble: "Ummmmmm......"
Thunder Storm: "be honest"
Bumble: "she says she smelled you coming when you were upwind. rudely."
99% of the time when I'm changing character eye colors, it's to make them NOT blue because there's too many blue-eyed characters in WC imo. BUT.
I think it was another tiny waste to have the narrative constantly stressing Clear Sky's blue, blue eyes, almost like they're hypnotizing, and then they never really comment on what Thunder's eye color signals to other people.
So I've got an idea; instead of amber, Thunder Storm has ELECTRIC BLUE eyes. Almost green, like his mother's minty ones.
Intense as his father's, but more focused. Sharp. Shocking.
Side note: in my research I actually learned it's easier for tripod cats to RUN than it is for them to walk. They can "canter" like a horse, but when they go slow they have to hop. Taking this into consideration.
I put a splash of white on the little bit of lower limb that Thunder Storm has on the leg, so it sticks out a bit more. I don't want it to be hidden I want it to be prominent
I also figured out a hilarious trick for Bright Storm to pull on Sky's Clan at some point lmao
Thunder's crew is in conflict with Sky's cats and the attacks are getting more and more frequent. They decide they need some extra time to carry out some kind of hunt or diplomatic mission, but Bright Storm only has a small group of cats to pull off a stunt with.
She knows she can't fight them head on, but she NEEDS to buy her son more time, so she hatches a plan.
Clear Sky values his intelligence and his ferocity very much. To a fault, even. He loves to outsmart his opponents and overpower them-- so Bright Storm gets all her cats to build a very large, very tall, nearly impenetrable wall out of briar thorns. There's only one way in; the well-guarded tunnel they've constructed in the front.
It would be a challenge for a lesser cat. But Clear Sky, clever devil he is, realizes they've made a fatal flaw; they've built their camp right next to the trees. His fighters don't need to jump over the wall or push through it, the oaks are their allies!
So, while Thunder's cats are all surely sleeping, he gathers his best men and come through the canopy. In well-trained patrols, they swoop down into the camp and prepare for battle.
and no one is there.
You see, there was only one way in... and only one way out.
And Clear Sky and his best fighters watch with HORROR as the tiny crew of guards seals that entrance up like the neck of a bag. There are no trees to climb INSIDE the wall, and it's too tall to hop out of. It won't hold them forever, but it will hold them JUST LONG ENOUGH.
Bright calls this little plan "Operation Timeout."
#I can't help it. Ever since I mentioned how cool a warlord gray wing would be now I can't stop thinking about Bright Storm doing--#Art of War Looney Tunes tactics lmao#LET THE BATTLE CATS BATTLE#BB!DOTC#BB!Bright Storm#BB!Thunder Storm#BB!Thunderstar#Better Bones AU#It feels very fitting for Bright to have a lot of very ''annoying'' but nonlethal plans like that#Though she CAN and WILL hurt others to defend her family#She doesn't LIKE doing that.#One thing I do want her to keep from Gray is his aversion to violence#But unlike him she's able to come to terms with the fact she HAS to defend what she loves.#And though a lot of it does come from the love she had for Clear... it also comes from her compassion and kindness towards others.#She's been lead astray and blinded by her love of him in the past (especially in how she abetted what happened to Bumble)#But unlike Canon!Gray she's ashamed of what she did after she sits with the consequences#She doesn't want to hurt anyone. But she did. She let it happen. Contributed even#And that's rough.#YOUR HONOR. I LIKE HER.
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Oh my adhd having students, I mean this in the most "I'm trying to help u pass this class" way possible: what the fuck am I supposed to do with you? And I mean that as an earnest question. If u have advice pls let me know.
#bc the thing is. u have to be in attendance to get credit for labs and u have to turn in assignments to get credit#and i dont kno how to make those things happen for you. so like???#and u can have flexible attendance but u dont get credit if u arent there and we cant do makeups for all the labs#bc that infringes on our lab manager's time in a way that doesn't work#and u can have flexible deadlines but like if u dont turn things in there's no credit to be given. so again???#i dont know how to help and i dont kno how much of this is im a dumb 18yo who is used to arrangements being made for me. bc i get that#from students who dont have learning disabilities vs how much is a genuine inability to keep things on task#and like how much am i expected to give? im just a graduate TA. i cant hold ur hand thru everything. im not paid to do that#but i want to help however i can. so like??? i dont kno what to do and i understand the frustration#as someone with a learning disability that isnt really helped by the accommodations i have access to#but is it a case of: u need to try harder or even trying ur hardest it's nnot possible. i dont kno. i cant kno#and what the fuck am i supposed to do if its the latter? it just sucks#unrelated
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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#feeling very hopeless about the future tonight...#regarding my dysphoria and my transition that very likely will never happen#and just overall feeling very jealous of tras dudes on t or recovering from top surgery#just feeling pathetic today nothing new but i wasn't expecting it honestly#i would love to get herapy this year if possible to help me not feel so hopeless#but before i do that i have to get proper and regular well paying work so that i can even afford therapy#and that's a whole other thing...#it's just a never ending and never even starting cycle my life is#like to do one thing i have to do another first and before that can happen i have to do something else#and it keeps going so i can never start#idk how#idk where to start#it seems like i'm always missing something to be able to#and it's so frustrating and just hopeless you know?#i just want to solve ONE thing at least#but i feel like everything is out of my control#out of my hands#and i just don't know what to do#I don't even know if i CAN do anything about it#...#we'll i'm kind of spiraling now so i'm gonna go to bed#i just got caught by surprise with this dark mood#i guess it's the 1am blues#who the fuck knows#angel talks#personal
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I think rye thinks it's incredibly adorable of davrin to be worried about him after the accidental hallucination tea experiment. that stoic option 'you know, I lived a whole life before you' contains a world of 'davrin, I'm a mourn watcher with a severely misspent youth behind me. I've been stratospherically high on things you couldn't and probably wouldn't want to imagine, this is barely a tickle'. to me.
#also I think a 'haha oh no TOO close back off pls' moment even at that point. do not care for me like that it freaks me out!#i amn uncomfortable when we are about me actually (and you are smart and also tenacious enough that you'll realize that#and follow up on it. because you're an *asshole* who never lets me get away with *anything*. you'll just keep pestering me#until I have to throw my hands up in defeat and let someone perceive me and care about me. total horror show.#can't have this be happening to me right now I'm putting off having a personal and spiritual crisis until 5 minutes before I die)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#davrin#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#their relationship. it is everything to me. the mutual 'hey punk you ever consider that there are people who love you. asshole'#'well I GUESS that *groan* my life has been infinitely enriched by your presence in it even though you're kind of a dick. there happy now'#'yeah I love and treasure you like a brother. a very annoying brother. what of it. wait you need help??? I'm here who do we kill'#and then you add lucanis' energy in there as well and you see why this is the best beloved boys squad to ever do it#also so sweet how much it's davrin opening up and showing vulnerability and uncertainty that's helped them get there the most#rye stays almost completely sober these days b/c his late teens and early twenties were uh. they got kind of rough!#so the rare times he drinks he's cautiously very very restrained about it. we simply cannot have student days shenanigans rye back.#we cannot. he barely survived being student days shenanigans rye the first time around let's not tempt fate#but in his time I think he's sampled some of that weird bottled fog stuff emmrich implies you can get some kind of high from#and then some lol#rye '*is* it drinking alone in the depths of the necropolis if the skeletons walking by give you friendly nods tho' ingellvar
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My like favorite headcanon pairing is Southern William Wisp and Semi-city boy Dakota btw
#ESPECIALLY if it’s Dakota being confused ab something southern Wills doing#Dakota laughing at Will for his southern tendencies#Dakota trying some sort of southern food Will keeps having and either falling inlove with it or nearly throwing up ovr it#Dakota being in Deadwood and seeing the Wisps home and all their land and FREAKING out#Dakota giggling at Williams pronunciation#Dakota helping Will out in social and public situations cause he’s not used to so much happening#Dakota talking about walking to stores vs Will talking ab how the only big store nearby was like a 15 min drive#Dakota talking ab running from roof to roof and Will being like ‘jfc I mean I could death dive to one if I tried I guess’#sighs#I love them#platonic ghostkicks when they’re literally country boy x city boy#to me. they will always be that to ME#moomins yapping<3#prime defenders#jrwi pd#jrwi#jrwi prime defenders#william wisp#dakota cole#platonic ghostkicks#southern William wisp
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can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )
#tw vent#yes ik i have a vent blog#but idk why i dont wanna go there#ill prolly delete this in a while + if i vent here (which ill try not to) ill always tag it#but if any of yall aren't fine with it pls do lmk!!! ill stop <3#Anyways.#fucking hell i hate this.#dude#i very specifically told them to hurry the fuck up THEY were the ones making us late#i have told them a hundred times the minimum time i jeed to get ready#i told them this morning too that you guys make us late then put it all on me#nad she went like oh no dear dont worry that wont happen#WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH#and like the lecture and huge ass scolding and then cold shouldet ive been getting from BOTH of them before i left for coachinh#im just tired atp#idk its not even that big a deal this happens everyday#i dont know how to feel#idk if im even rly feeling anything atp#its just that i really fucking hate being here#I wanna get the fuck out#but thing is this makes me feel kinda guilty occasionally#for eg a few days ago i was rly sick and she took care of me kinda#and then that made me feel bad for hating her#but then things like this happen and i cant help it and i feel so conflicted#i dont want to stay here i know that for sure but i feel guilty for it#if i speak im being rude and backtalking#if i dont speak im being rude and ignoring#the fuck am i supposed to do????#she always tells me to 'stay silent and just hear it'#and when i do that she keeps shouting again and again and finally i say smth bc although its extremely fucking dumb of me to open my mouth
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need 2 find myself again in 2025 . tbhwu
#depression has hollowed me out in2 a shell of my former self#and i thmk i need 2 grit my teeth and just get over It whatever It is#recognizing its no easy task but also knowing i cant keep on like this#and allowing myself to spiral into misery thereby preventing any possible change or growth#sigh …. sogh .. i want 2 be a person again . picture friends circa 2008 outlining me in chalk. i want 2 know theres something there#how u ask (me asking myself)#idk but one way or anotjer . and not in that new yrs resolution fallacy way#anyways . anyways z . crazy how a week off from work will leave u feeling real again#i gotta get out of there . step 1😭🙏🙏#its especially hard when everyone arnd you is objectively doing better. partners finances purpose . >staring in2 the camera 1000 yd stare#u get thru the beast of being a teenager like thank god thats over and then b4 you even catch ur breath#your mid 20s are casting a shadow over u like some menacing thing and u have to gulp and say hes right behind me isnt he#i think people often like to give the advice that youll figure it out but it leaves me feeling so disquieted#bc its like sure im sure i will ive made it this far i can do what i need to get by when the moment matters#but it does nothing to assauge the immediate anxiety and feelings of worthlessness and lack of direction yk#goddmanit assuage i spelled it wrong everyone point and laugh#bc its like what if i dont and i mean that in a very like . existential & not material way . idk what im saying but i think thats the advice#i hate most . not sure if u have felt or do feel the same . -__- like yes oersonal experience sure whatever happens will happen and you will#simply adjust but will i ever feel like its something i want to experience/endure .#whatever anyways x2. im journalling i think that helps me the best rn . and its the one thing thats allowed me hope and i think#having that time to examine and mull over and deconstruct is rly helpful tbh. and i would like to think#over the long term i can repair my creativity and cultivate a new outlet that doesnt leave me feeling empty if i cant draw as i used to#yaar#i feel like i dont write for very long tho thats the one thing that kinda blows#two pages maybe and ive only addressed two maybe three points if im being generous lol i get so bored with the actual motion#when my mind moves 10x as fast . and idc for audio logs either ykwim.#ohh tumblr how i love u . tag system like no other
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i wish there was more CRAYDL in Impulse (1995). I need more CRAYDL in my life.
#bonemeal says silly stuff#Impulse 95 is full of loveable and relatable characters and I happened to latch onto the one character#Who is never physically seen and only has text boxes in a few panels in like 3 issues and never appears again#I keep thinking about the implications#Assuming CRAYDL can’t see inside the timestream#They just saw Thad Max and later Bart go into that portal#And only Max and Bart come out#Do you think they know? That Thad CHOSE to do that? Or do you think they blame Bart and Max? Or do they blame nobody? Do they blame Thad?#They spent hundreds of years with only each other as company. How does that loss feel? How many more years will CRAYDL be alone?#I doubt that someone would go out of their way to help or move or repurpose or even kill CRAYDL after that.#They’re just an AI. There’s plenty more like them out there and those are probably better at following directions.#Do you think CRAYDL knew the other inertias? Do you think the later inertias were the same Thad as before? How do you think CRAYDL felt#Being helpless to stop inertia from being ‘killed’ again? Regardless of whether it was the same guy do you think CRAYDL was watching?#CRAYDL… I miss you… CRAYDL…#I wish I could give CRAYDL a big hug. :(#dc#impulse#inertia
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I feel like being in therapy is a lot like watching serialized TV. I get to work through a very small chunk of the story for an hour, and then waiting to suspense for a whole another week to see where it goes.
For once, I would like to binge. Let me get through all this shit in like 12 hours and be done.
#I know that's not how it works#but I really really wish it was.#right now I'm on an emergency cancellation list with everything that's happened#and my last session was literally just catching him up on the last week since the fire#he asked what I was doing to ground myself and cope#which I do very much appreciate thinking about#nice continuation from last episode where we were talking about ways to ground myself#also I would very much like to continue with this Arc#I do need to just bring a list#I think that would be immensely helpful in keeping me from just rambling#an hour is so little time
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damn I yap a lot
tldr; im alive, sadly im still on hiatus, other stuff is fine now I just have new [physical] problems, you'll know when I'm fully back (give it another couple months) and comfortable, I'm in a [technically well-over] 3-month long ongoing depressive episode [not tryna do trauma olympics or make anyone feel bad btw it's all chill]
so sorry if I've left you hanging [with art or smth], I'll get to it in time, I promise [I may have unwillingly forgotten, likely not but there's a chance]
Hey, I'm alive, I have been for the.. almost 6 months I've been gone. Holy shit, I didn't even realise that it's been that long. I figured I should at least say something in case anyone is worried or wondering even though everything isn't solved yet, so, here. [under the read more so it's not flooding or anything]
Also, I figure I should apologise for venting on main and just leaving it up - this is all going to stay up because I need to keep it somewhere to aid with my memory issues - but, still, must've been a little weird
Absolutely not a good time to say all this [for me bc I haven't thought this message through] but I'm kinda half-back, just on hiatus from socials due to declining physical health. Really badly declining, I need help honestly
Originally, as you know, I was gone because I had a really bad fall out with my mother, but things pertaining to that have been solved now [except me not feeling 100% safe and trusting to my mother, that will never change. She's tried hard, I just wish I could find her reliable emotionally as well]. It's just that, since then, basically, all these physical problems that I don't understand have been royally fucking me up and messing with my mental too. It's messed with everything I love. I don't know what to do anymore.
Oh wait, where I was actually going with this, so
OK nvm I forgot but you'll see me around bc I've been talking to certain people trying to pretend like nothing's happened and I've made the kinda-silly decision to not fully come off hiatus or talk to other certain people before I'm okay again.
#so the post is for the practical stuff n the tags r for emotional btw [or at least I tried to do that]#[yeah just except the para starting with “originally” I'll keep that there despite being unnecessary]#-#genuinely. im so scared. im so scared all the time [most of the time not scared of anything in particular - I mean the physical problems#fuck me up by making me scared and sad and tired most of the time for no reason]#I have no energy and it's all up and down and even though I actually feel okay rn [not good but okay] after literally breaking down an hour#ago I still know this shouldn't be happening#nobody is going to believe me if I say I have high-functioning depression. who do I tell. well they will believe me but how would it help#and I'm so scared to tell anyone for no reason. I'm not scared mentally rn but no matter whether or not Im ok the emotion stops me from#taking action if that makes sense.#--#I don't understand what I did to deserve this why is this happening to me#why are these internal problems out of my control happening to me#I don't understand and it truly deeply scares me#---#I meant to out this at the start of the tags but fuck it I'm too far in and on mobile to go all the way back now#thank you if you read this far. truly thank you because I need someone to talk to and my irl's are not an option for all different reasons#if I reach out to you about smth random please talk to me as if I'm still not half-gone.#feel free to message me whenever about wtv despite the “hiatus” I need it#... if you have read this far for whatever reason please text me that my Rui loves me my brain is trying to guilt me and say he doesn't#[that just happens when I'm in a certain state even tho that's when I need Rui the most selfship mutuals u get it pls help me out]#he. he does love me right? I swear he does I just. can't seem to believe it right now#I shouldn't have pushed all that to the bottom when it was directly telling my mutuals what I need lol#I feel a little hopeless sometimes. that's not like me I'll be alright in the end. no not that. I'll be better than alright I can fix this#I can fix this. I just need help. god I need help.#at the very least I'll be alright
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