#how do i even begin to fix that :( | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

skunkes · 4 months ago

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#a doodley #okkk 2022: the torture chamber....i only sparsely drew al and developed talon (he was borned...) bc my mind was occupied with other things.#2023: exiting torture chamber; it took me a tiny little bit to get back to drawing and ''interacting with'' al again but i did it even #though it was a reminder of the Bad bc he's my copium #summer 2023: i view and witness media and suddenly have like 5 fictional men i cant decide on which to focus... and september (talon month)#comes along so I decide to focus on Talon after not touching him much at all throughout the entire year #(forced this btw i did not wanna do it LOL i didnt even remember how to draw him)#september 2023 to now: talon has infiltrated the brain. but i want to swivel back to al #now: i've forgotten how to Talk to al (just like i did in beginning of 2023)#(and just like i forgot how to talk to talon for most of 2023)#so ive kind of just been replaying the smunker cow al daydreams from when they first met #so I can find my way back...retracing my steps #in doing so ive kind of also forgotten how to interact with talon but still havent gotten back to al #so rn my life is so boring without imaginary bf interactions. just the before sleep plot rehashing daydreams...#or sparse visions of em Sometimes #nobody in my brain rn just like the short period last yr and its distressing #what do i draw without a love obsession.....#how do i pass time without it....! so boring. idk what to do #i miss the me of several yrs ago when i was drawing 50 different aus with al....ive downgraded in skill and imagination and creativity #so bad since then. idk. idk. i hope they come back to me soon #maybe i shld just draw al a lot which is how i kickstarted caring abt talon again almost a yr ago ?#hoping i can get him to come back before my surgery i need my big sexy boy nurse for recovery #(complaining abt things usually fixes em for me so im hoping thats the case here)

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s-aint-elmo · 2 years ago

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no thoughts head empty the oppressive stagnancy of legacy in ever after high dragging me round the block yet again

it's such a shame that we get so little explanation about the actual mechanics of destiny, which is the entire premise of the show, bc it's so juicy. like what power does destiny hold when you rip away milton's lies and centuries of assumptions and traditions. esp bc despite raven signing herself as the evil queen in the real storybook of legends, when the snow white fairytale actually happens in dragon games she's playing one of the seven dwarves and her mother has reprised her role. like how much of that was because of the characters' actions and how much was destiny pulling on old, familiar threads. keeps me up at night.

a lot of this is probably just like, plot holes and writer hot potato but i like making it that deep, that's half of the fun. my personal interpretation is that fate is a wild thing that desires repetition and they developed the system of fairytale legacy bloodlines to keep those repetitions predictable and contained, instead of wreaking havoc whenever and wherever they please.

which lends itself to some really juicy exploration of how legacy is a duty as much as it is a privilege, and how to be a princess or a witch or a hero or a dragon is to be the same thing in the end: the lamb destiny slaughters on the altar to sate the ever-ravenous narrative. to keep the flock safe. keep the unknown that prowls beyond the beaten path at bay. because if a there is always a mother who will be cruel, or a maiden who will fall into a sleep like death, or a child who will become a bird, isn’t it better to know who, and how, and when? isn’t better if it’s you, who has known your whole life that you must be eaten, be poisoned, be stripped of your humanity, rather than anybody else, who wasn’t raised to see it as an honour instead of a great and terrible injustice?

#ever after high #mine #remember when apple asked snow white for advice on yester day and she had nothing useful to say? bc all the problems in her life were #solved by a smile a friend and true love's kiss?#and apple got to experience being disappointed by the parent she placed on a pedestal for the first time ever? that was really fun #don't even get me started by how the class of classics are all called by the names of their roles that is sooooo fun and fucked up #the mantle of your legacy is so large and so heavy that it swallows you up entirely #ik it's for convenience's sake but simply imagine with me. surrendering your true name once your tale begins to bind to the retelling #more strongly. invite the eye of the narrative to fix on you. set destiny on its well-worn tracks and drive it smoothly #to happily ever after #i love the idea of the retellings being ritualistic to an extent. there is so much you could do w destiny #how destiny is a crutch too that prevents u fr growing as a person bc there is nothing life can start that u haven't already seen finished

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fujii-draws · 7 months ago

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OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter.#he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point.#and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!!#hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do!#the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into-#one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT.#but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb.#I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time.#and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances.#and doesn’t want to hear any excuse.#but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment.#NOW. CHAPTER 17.#UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN #Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC.#IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!!#BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong’#WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM.#(NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.)#and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through.#despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up.#like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him.#that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying.#just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner.#IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD.#and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore.#he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had.#and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT.#<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but.#eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind.#I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags

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adhderall · 2 months ago

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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.

also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever

(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )

#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it #but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind #its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because #[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack #'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink #and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally #i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real #for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however #that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.

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cosmocove · 1 month ago

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some bobbles (+ two unfinished things)

#bonk.png #undescribed #exocolonist #i was a teenage exocolonist #iwatec #iwatex #anyway first thing bc its the shortest i dont think sol would actually id as anything n prefer to be unlabeled #bc of like. the timeloop stuff n every life kind of blending together BUT i think it'd be funny as hell if they were aro #n just never became aware of this bc their self reflection skills in regards to shit unrelated to the loop are That Bad #also im aro n like when characters are aro + love it when characters are kind of deranged about their friends #speaking of which madoka au! forever ago i drew the 🤝 meme with sol n homura n now im coming back to that #its not a 1 to 1 au straight up the commonalities begin n end at ''tammy & sol are kind of like madoka/homura''#stuff i got down for it in a sleep deprived haze were that sol nemmie n tangent were the only magical girls #n tammy hasnt been offered to become one nemmie n tangent arent aware that sol is a magical girl for a while #friendgroup at school is nemmie cal tammy n sol (tangent goes to a different school n is separate until she teams up with nemmie)#nemmie n tang team up bc somehow witch attacks keep being diverted from certain locations n grief seeds are disappearing #which is actually sol's doing theyre moving witches away from areas tammy will be n the grief seeds are to 1. discourage nem n tang from #fighting witches n 2. so sol can stockpile them basically bc they use timetravel a lot n need to keep their gem clean #the timeloop has progress (to an extent) its not a singular month looping its kind of like. video game save mechanics #like reloading the save u have before a bossfight n then if ur not adequately prepared reloading a save u have farther back #n then continuing on until u get stuck on a specific fight again yknow #theres more but moving on to the two unfinished things those are meant to be like a utdr au (specifically dr)#in a similar manner to the previous au of same premise n setting but different story bc theyre different characters #there's a lot less set for this au its entirely just playing in the sand n has nothing beyond vague role assignments #the first one that's like lineart in different colors is entirely scrapped bc i didnt like how it was turning out (meant to be darkworld fit #second one i struggled BADLY with marz oh my god this au is literally primarily for having fun with character designs but oh my god.#as it says there shes meant to be a modern art styled metal monster (got the metal idea from her dads' names n the modern art bc shesrefined #n sleek) but i had no actual idea how to convey that n i was trying to tackle it from a pixel art angle this time n i could notfigure it out #n then nomi nomi was super easy literally didnt even sketch them theyre a tiny pixie im sorry marz T-T #probably not gonna touch on this stuff again cause i was fixing on exo to avoid thinking about my bday but its happened so im fine now 👍

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erospourfemme · 2 months ago

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i'm a very don't tolerate bullshit kind of person and I respect and expect it so much when other people are real and straight up with me anyways whatever I say stems from my own thoughts and I cannot lie to you and tell you to do something I think is stupid if you ask for advice. anyways an acquaintance of mine who majored in English unless you want to work in primary school for a pay of barely 700 dollars complained how her parents want her to get a masters degree and she's thinking about getting one in marketing or something similar and then later on spreading into tech saying how she can work as a data analyst and I literally almost laughed out loud like it's absolutely insane how little university life prepares us for the future and how absolutely useless it is that you have university graduates here thinking they can work a job that requires a degree in either IT or economy as someone who read and talked about books for grades like please be so serious right now. I'm not upset with her for thinking this is possible just the general society for letting these young people down by telling them every career option is valid and it doesn't really matter what you study in university because it does

#in a general scheme of things it doesn't matter what you study in university when u study useless shit and never get a chance to work #a job related to that #but people who majored in medicine #mathematics engineering biology physics etc like you dont hear them talk about how studies don't actually matter bc they're working jobs #they studied for #adding law onto it as well #like we really need less people in humanities I'm not saying we need no people in humanities #humanities are really important but we need LESS people in them #and we also need less people in universities in general #go learn a skill you can actually use to make money off of in the real word we need electricians and people fixing shit around the house #we need people making ceramic or wooden floors we need carpenters #we dont need more people majoring in English abeg #the society and the school system is failing the younger generations so much by affirming their ideas of what the world looks like #because a highschooler cannot know whats best for them in the long run and we need to aid them #and i wish someone told me this before I went to university I would've saved myself so much trouble and time #and im not complaining bc i genuinely have it so much better than at least like 50% of my ex classmates #i have an appartment #a job that pays me okay #a side hustle #a car even though its old #savings #a future plan #idea of what im going to do and where I'm going to end up #but if i had someone advise me from the beginning I would've saved so much time and effort

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seilon · 7 months ago

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wild that I just saw a poll about the watcher situation asking what people expect their response to be and the option sweeping was “they won’t respond to it”. like. that would be absolutely insane. maybe a lot of people have become jaded by big corporate entities ignoring issues as if theyre just not happening (understandable) but watcher Very Literally cant afford to not acknowledge the situation. like yeah this was a very corporate-adjacent, out of touch choice they just made but they're still, in the scheme of things, Quite small. completely ignoring the backlash could/would very likely ruin their careers and burn everything they've worked for and I just don’t think that’s realistic

#kibumblabs #i just can not see why anyone would think they wony respond at all to the situation #mind you i dont mean adequately try and Fix it particularly. i mean give a public response of any kind. in general #but i mean even so- i also dont think theyll respond like. sorry we're not changing anything. sucks to suck.#because like i said. they Really can not afford to do that #granted i guess they wete financially stupid/reckless enough to make such a dumb unsurveyed choice to begin with. but.#i mean when your whole career is on the line. i imagine you'd have to get scared into backtracking a bit right?#ah. anyway it is odd none of them have said anything yet but hopefully that means theyre actually thinking through what to do/say before #accidentally implying something they dont mean or making personal emotion-fueled tweets or anything like that #they couldve said by now 'we see your concern and are discussing how to move forward'. or whatever but. yeah #watcher

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blushy-tigerrr · 4 months ago

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vent in tags sorry

cw: mention of loss

#adding a long note to the beginning so no one sees the actual vent in the case that they don’t want to which is absolutely okay #okay that’s probably good #i feel like a failure today.#my car wouldn’t start on friday and i haven’t had a moment to actually call a mechanic until today #called early in the morning and he said he’d call me back with a time #i’ve reached out multiple times since then and have heard NOTHING #if i don’t get it fixed today i’ll have to take my partners car instead #and when i asked them if that would possibly be okay #they started off on a rant about how they were planning to do all this shit tomorrow morning and now can’t if they don’t have their car #but genuinely. how tf was i supposed to know about their plans?? why did they have to say it all like this is completely my fault???#i’m sorry that i’m still in a not so good mental place right now and might forget to do things in a more timely manner #i’ve had two grandparents pass away in the span of a few WEEKS. give me a little grace.#i give them the same understanding every day when they’re having a rough time #so why can’t they offer me the same thing?#i know they’re just stressed and tired and busy but FUCK SO AM I #i’m just. over it. i want to go to sleep.#and by sleep i mean literal sleep i’m not insinuating anything darker i promise #i may be in a rough spot mentally but it is not that kind of rough <3 i’m safe #just. very tired. and in need of support.#i feel like i’m always giving and rarely getting support in this relationship.#and now i’m just feeling like a burden and an inconvenience for even needing the extra support in the first place #the urge to run away and start my life over is strong holy shit

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quietwingsinthesky · 4 months ago

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you know what would be fun enrichment for thirteen. putting her in a time loop starting the moment she lands on gallifrey with the master.

#he’s like im going to tell you the tr- and she goes. i know. i know everything.#but see the thing is that her just saying that doesn’t change anything.#he still cybers the dead. she still leaves him to die.#she has to do it again. and again. and again.#there’s just whole times she spends staying in the matrix until time runs out instead of breaking it. trying to find more.#or there’s times she doesn’t even let him get started. where she beats him to the ground because she’s seen him do this so many times and #she’s fucking ANGRY. she’s angry. i think she kills him. at least once. whether or not she meant to is another question.#she gives in and clicks the button maybe and kills them both. it changes nothing. she’s back at the beginning.#she can’t leave unless he leaves with her. and he wants to die rather than do that. so she’s just going to have to keep trying.#get exhausted. get up. keep trying. save her friends. watch them die. blow up the cybermen. leave them alone. kill the master. set him loos #it doesn’t end unless it ends with them together. maybe one day she’ll find out what to say.#how many times can you watch your friend self-destruct. how many times will you have to.#fun enrichment activities for thirteen!!!!!!#it doesn’t fix things. btw. if she gets him alive off the planet. it just means she leaves the time loop.#maybe that has to be enough.#thirteenth doctor

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afaroffsong · 5 months ago

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No, I didn’t spend 3 hours this afternoon rearranging photos on a cork board instead of doing anything productive.

#Yes I did.#What is wrong with me and how do I fix it.#I’m pretty sure this is why I basically flunked school. :)#(Also why I’m beginning to agree that college is definitely a horrible idea for me.)#My brain has decided I can only do “important” things #But my definition of “important” is very very very skewed.#Because I could have been cleaning or packing or even drawing or painting instead.#But no.#I aimlessly rearranged photos for 3 hours.#3 HOURS.

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cassynite · 10 months ago

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#cassy bitches #i am. so fucking tired and annoyed and stressed #our fucking shower hasn't worked in two weeks bc my parter decided to remodel and then didnt finish the job!#and now her fucking sibling fucked up our dishwasher and it leaked water EVERYWHERE including apparently under the floorboards #and im pretty sure i can smell black mold in the kitchen now which! great! another nightmare we're gonna have to fix ourselves #since we cant afford to get a contractor and even if we could no one ever returns our calls when we do try to hire someone #AND my friend went to surgery for appendicitis and that's freaking me out #and ON TOP of that ive been creatively juiced out and feeling like shit about the things i make and my ocs and like. me #like everyone's just been secretly tolerating me all this time and if i disappear no one's going to notice #i feel like nothing i make or am doing is worthwhile and im just GROSS and ANGRY and ANNOYING #and even complaining in tags on a post makes me feel like a whiny baby like. there are wars etc why am i complaining boo hoo #so i cant even talk to people about how i feel bc it makes me so ashamed that im feeling this way to begin with #ive been resisting the urge to just delete everything at this point bc then at least i wont have the urge to check everything and feel wors #why does awful shit always happen right around my birthday. why am i cursed like this

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ableedingpromise · 5 months ago

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But how do I even fix myself likeeeeee my whole life i fought to get help just to realise the help that therapists give is fucking useless. I've either been ignored, ghosted or just told to calm down. Like wowwwww I never thought about that so helpful!!!!!!!!!!!

#im sure theres a good one out there but like.#ive given up honestly. she doesnt get it but its obvious why. im tired of having to open up time and time again only to get shot down. like #thats literally why im here in the first place idiots #omlll #being told to trust people only when they give nothing to trust is so stressful im tired #but at the same time idk how to fix this without any help?? like what else could i do to fix this... anything else i can put up with or #avoid.but idk how to fix my social anxiety lmao im so fucked #also how do i even go back to work or school if i cant read or learn??? i cant be around people either so what now?#how do i even begin going abour fixing this #little steps first

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nibbles-whispers · 7 months ago

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me attempting to tell one of my fantasies but I cant finish bc …well I’m sure u guys can guess 🤭

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anophelei · 1 year ago

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The people unashamedly trying to take advantage of the thousands of innocent Palestinian people murdered in Israeli war crimes, twisting the knife in the back of Palestine for an opportunity to remind you that you still have to vote for Joe Biden, undoubtedly counting among the people with the most blood on their hands, have already made it clear they do not care about anyone but themselves, and have gone out of their way to prove it.

Somehow they've managed to sink even lower, and are genuinely, in all earnesty, justifying their continued support for Biden in the wake of him pledging his unconditional support of genocide, with the exact same fucking line they used almost 3 fucking years ago to pressure people into voting him into power in the first place. It was already obvious they had no intention of "Pushing Biden to the Left", that they didn't give a single shit about any of the people they were so ardently claiming to be protecting from Trump, and that they would go to the ends of the earth to justify anything and everything he could possibly do.

And now that he's chomping at the bit about aiding and abetting Israel in raining down hell and phosphorous and napalm on innocent people, now that thousands of people have lost their loved ones to such irreverent cruelty, they've decided it's time for an important reminder; Genocide doesn't change anything, and not only do you have to get out and vote for someone complicit in every single atrocity, every single casualty, you have to do it for the same pathetic excuse we made last time, "because we can push Biden to the "left"", even though there hasn't been a single shred of progress, or even any attempt to do so in the three years since we said this last time. You could say that participation in actual, ongoing genocide, is a catastrophic failure in that metric; that we might as well have been pulling this whole fucking time; and right this very moment is the most unbelievably selfish, entitled, petulant and self interested, and abhorrent, manipulative, cruel, spiteful, bitter and fucking disgusting time anyone could have possibly chosen to say this, when people are entirely cut off from their loved ones with no way to know if they are okay, it's important to remember that you're the bad person here due to your belief that supporting genocide in any capacity is an unforgivable crime. The real crime is NOT voting in support of genocide, when the other option is Literal Fascists !!

I'm not even fucking joking, this entire thing started because this piece of shit thought a Palestinian calling people out for supporting Biden was akin to "thinking the entirety of one side is bad", which due to a complex reasoning and nuanced understanding of "this conflict", he was able to realise that was far too simplistic, and now enlightened, knew that attacking enemy toddlers was wrong. So too did he share his nuanced and complex understanding with OP, since they were understanding things too simplistically. "American politics is not that simple either"

Just like killing babies is wrong even if they're on the enemy team, American politics is not as simple as you thinking I am disgusting and selfish for supporting genocide. #nuance

#genocide #Gaza #Palestine #joe biden #free palestine #biden thinks people will cool down come electon. biden supporters think people are stupid enough that they're just going to forget what #“we can push him to the left AFTER the election is over” looked like #it looks like genocide. it sounds like bombs you can hear from 80km away. it smells like pulverised concrete and blood.#it tastes like it smells made worse by parched throats and thirst.#i cannot even begin to imagine what it must feel like.#if you for some reason read the whole mess and are sus about the “biden may not be a fascist” etc it's half just saying that and half for #ambiguity being useful rhetorically. of course they were too oblivious to anything I'd said that they didn't even realise i hadnt said it #idk what i would categorise biden as though. the müller comparison is apt to some extent at least.#also please let me know if any of the phrasing is inappropriate ? I don't really know to what capacity “martyred” n “martyrs” are used #and idk how to use them appropriately therefore didn't use them. the same goes for anything else and i apologise for my ignorance of #Palestinian culture and language and ... in general. it's #unfortunate but I only know the occupation - the Resistance - and their histories - as things I know well. I will do my best to fix that #but for now if I may ask for your help with letting me know. Feel like a yt person for having to ask lol.#from the river to the sea palestine will be free

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keen-eye · 22 days ago

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Penny

D: Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

D: Look, man, I don't even remember what I said, but, uh –

S: But what? But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things.

D: Come on, Sam.

S: Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

D: Your blood's supposed to be purified, isn't it? You ever, uh -- you ever done the "forgive me, father" before?

Well, I mean, I could give you suggestions if you want.

All right. Well, I'm just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh... Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory, for starters. Or, hey, h-how about what you did to, uh, Penny Markle in the sixth grade? Why don't you lead with that?

S: Well, that was you.

D: Carry on.

S: You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?

D: Come on, man. That's not what I meant.

S: No, it's exactly what you meant. You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.

D: You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.

sam’s faults

purgatory

#what side of the coin will you be today?#none of it -- none of it -- is true #it has never been like that ever #i wonder where sam could have gotten these ideas from #hop in my car i'll drive you to the edge #tries to jump over the edge #i wanted you to teeter how could you ever think i'd want you to jump i need you #the writing isn't subtle and yet...#spn 8x06 #spn 8x23 #matter in a state having no fixed shape and no fixed volume #natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible #none of the things sam is accused of are a result of him being deliberately bad #dean knows ruby manipulated sam and that he was predisposed to be addicted to demon blood from 6 months old #dean and sam both know heaven and hell tricked them into freeing lucifer #sam absolves dean of any guilt from that #but dean can’t do the same #dean blames sam for coming back soulless #absolutely not sam’s fault but it’s one more thing to blame on him to hurt him #they had an agreement to not obsess over reviving each other again and again #dean locking sam in the panic room #something sam never holds against him #the horrible voicemail the one sam never uses against dean #these things are so obvious why are people stupid #sam always had good intentions he just wanted to help people but he was doomed from the beginning #whatever dean did he was always in the right because he was chosen by heaven #even when sam got to be the hero and throw himself into the cage with lucifer he was atoning for his mistakes #and dean and bobby let him go to hell all the while thinking he deserved it #and sam believes when dean and everyone else tells him he has darkness inside even though he’s the kindest heart among them #all because he was groomed to be the devils vessel and because he wanted freedom from the life his family tried to guilt him into

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br1ghtestlight · 2 months ago

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i dont know if its depression?? cuz im still motivated to do inside activities i would love to play a game or write draw etc i just dont like going places. all that damn effort and for WHAT. i want to sit on my bed all day :(

#i have an appointment with a psychiatrist literally on monday so maybe they will know how to fix me #i dont know. its complicated for reasons i cant even BEGIN to get into #stuff i never wanted to tell another person #and im sure yeah i could spend the rest of my life inside on the computer but i already did that for almost a decade #and let me tell you after the first few years the darkness starts to creep up on you #maybe its bcuz ive just given up on ever having a real life or making friends #or doing anything productive with myself #i dont even know if i want friends anymore!!!!! i mean i do stuff with my online friends once a week #and thats basically social enough for me #is there meant to be more to life?? idk #i dont remember what it feels like to want things #txt

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