#how come people taking this same drug have the same symptoms from it

[impishcupid]

I wanna tell you guys about my mom

My mom, in a lot of ways when I grew up, wasn’t the best. But through it all, she supported my queer identity. We could be going head to head screaming as a teenager, and she’d use my right pronouns.

A year or two ago, I was unemployed all of June. I had always been working through pride, and before I had a job my mom was working through pride, so I had only gone to one before for like ten minutes. My mom was disabled and unemployed, I was unemployed, so we figured fuck it: pride crawl.

We went to like 15ish pride events, sometimes even back to back in the same day, in different cities and towns.

After like 3 or 4, Mom wasn’t really bored, but she wasn’t impressed anymore. The rainbow streamers and running around drag kings and queens where just life now, and honestly no more different then what she could see simply opening my bedroom door. Any free shit we where given (drawstring bags, flags, pins, shirts) where saved in the car so we didn’t have to dress for pride anymore, everything was just in the car. By 10 or so, Mom was more fascinated by the booths at the different ones. She went to every harm reduction booth to learn better ways to administer narcan and grab another free dose (we live in an area with a high drug problem) or chat with the PFLAG people, who over the span of some weeks had become our friends. We sought out specific booths at specific events because they told us at the last one they’d be there.

But it had just solely become a regular thing like going to the grocery store or washing laundry to my mom. She watched me walk around in battle vests, just a binder, shorts and ripped pants and stompy boots and borderline heels. She learned from different booths about homeless resources and new campaigns she could advocate for, she learned more about HRT and how my transition could affect me in a symptoms kind of way. (She was always hesitant bc she married an intersex man who had to take testosterone, and when he went off of it he became aggressive. She learned this is not the only way people handle coming off testosterone and T doesn’t do that to everyone)

But after awhile, she was just bored. She trailed behind me as I flew to each new booth, did every craft at the craft booth (but when one had a giant cutout of the towns name people could paint their hands and leave a handprint on, I now have handprints on my crust pants from both mine and moms hands), signed up for every silly sweepstakes we saw or wrote my email for things I never looked at again, it was no different to her then when she took me to a cosplay event or the movies.

Every time we vend at Pride, there are times when I have to fight breaking down.

It's probably not when you'd expect. Yes, I get misty at the Big Moments and the Conversations, and we have those every time. I love seeing the parents who are buying their kid's first Pride item, the trans girls spinning in skirts they just bought, the curve of fresh scars across a chest that's clearly seeing sunlight for the first time this summer. I love it all. I devour every minute of it.

But it's the parents who hand their kid a $20 or tap their Apple watch on our card reader and look slightly bored that get me, sometimes.

My G-d. It's not scary, it's not overwhelming, it's not tense and nervewacking. It's boring to them.

2 weeks ago, my brother tells me, my parents used the right name and pronouns for me through an entire dinner with Jake and his partner.

I turned 47 three days ago.

Today, a parent looked bored escorting their teenager around at Pride.

My G-d.

[black-rose-writings]

Ancient Aliens may be my guitly pleasure, but sometimes, it gets too stupid to watch.

[tetsumie]

𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐎𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔

pairing: kuroo tetsuro x fem!reader

genre: comfort

content: kuroo hasn't seen you in days and makes his way to your apartment to see what's going on with you

cw: reader has a depressive episode and displays depressive symptoms

a/n: hello! i tried writing something for my pookie wookie kuroo tetsuro also lwk very self indulgent.. love u all and tysm for the endless support and as always likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! i could not be here without you all <333

"hi! this is y/n l/n! sorry i couldn’t answer your phone call. i’m a bit busy right now but leave a message and i’ll call you back the first chance i get than-" kuroo hangs up the phone for nth time today and sighs. 

kuroo hasn't heard from you for the past few days and to be completely honest, it’s like you've completely vanished off the planet. your designated seat next to him in both chemistry and english lectures have remained empty for the past week and he can’t seem to get ahold of you at all. 

at first, he didn’t really worry much about it. he didn’t want to pry on why you weren’t coming to school. he understood everyone needed their space. but when he intercepted your friends one day and asked them how you were doing and they too were unsure as well, he knew there was something severely wrong. 

on the other hand, you’ve been home all week. 

you haven’t been in the best place for the past week. you feel like your body is slowly succumbing to the stress and your body is practically giving out on you, working overtime. motivating yourself to study and to work is already difficult enough as is but doing basic things such as getting out of bed and even taking a shower feels impossible. 

you feel stuck in this never ending loop of time where the same things just keep happening over and over. you wake up at the prime hour of 12 pm and realize you’ve missed all your morning classes but then immediately head back to bed. you fall asleep and then wake up at 2 pm and stare at the ceiling above you with no particular thought in mind. eventually, you find yourself scrolling through social media on your phone but then ditch it after a few minutes because a wave of social anxiety crashes into you. 

it doesn’t help that you’ve also been skipping meals and you’re starting to catch a cold. man, you haven’t even gotten out of bed, let alone left your bedroom. you can’t even get yourself to do the bare minimum right now and making yourself an actual meal is a bit too out of your comfort zone. 

and what makes this entire situation worse is the fact that you’ve been pushing everyone away, from your friends to family to the one and only kuroo tetsuro.

there was no justification behind why you were avoiding them. you just couldn’t allow yourself to let them see you in such a lethargic condition. it hurt your pride and in general, you hated having people worry for you. it made you feel, in a sense, hopeless. 

you just wanted to shut yourself off from the world. 

the week goes by in a flash and friday evening rolls around. your phone lights up again for the nth time. you see it flash white but you roll over away, not having the energy to grab it. doing anything especially talking to other people feels exhausting.

a few minutes later, someone's banging on the door. it sounded like the fbi was at your door with a search warrant as if you were harboring drugs. you don't answer the door, not feeling like leaving the comfort and safe haven of your bed.

but the banging doesn’t seem to stop and you're getting irritated so you’re forced to get out of bed and tell the person at the door to come at another time.

to your surprise, when you open the door, you find your boyfriend, kuroo, staring at you with wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows.

“y/n, where have you been?” he begins the interrogation.

you mumble. “nowhere. been at home.”

he looks you up and down, taking in your disheveled state. your face is pale, the bags under your eyes seep deeply, giving away the countless sleepless nights you've had. your shoulders are slumped and the corners of your mouth turn down slightly, a subtle but constant frown. your hair is unkempt, reflecting the lack of energy to even try to care for yourself. an aura of exhaustion and hopelessness hangs around you, making it clear that you're struggling to find the strength to even function.

“then why haven’t you answered my calls?” he continues.

“i’ve just been preoccupied,” you lie and he catches on immediately.

no words are exchanged between the both of you for a few moments. you take his silence as your cue to end this awkward conversation and to send him on his way.

"i'm sure you have better things to do, just go-"

you're about to close the door on him until he says, "let me in."

you sigh again.

“can you come back later tetsu?” you don’t want to have him deal with you like this. he's seen more than enough of you in this condition.

his piercing gaze locks with your tired eyes and he feels his heart clench. the usual shimmer in your eyes gone and all he can see the numbness in your expression.

"no let me in," he states in a strict tone. "we have to talk."

with no choice, you open up the door entirely and kuroo takes a look at the state of your apartment. he would be lying if he wasn't caught by surprise. clothes are strewn across the couch and bowls of empty ramen are lying on the kitchen counter. your apartment is a mess.

putting his stuff down near the door, he begins to slowly pick up your clothes off the floor and tosses them into the laundry bin. seeing him make an attempt at cleaning your mess made you uncomfortable to the point your skin started to crawl.

"tetsuro, stop."

"no."

"please stop," you plead in desperation.

"y/n, i’m trying to help you!" he replies, his voice growing a little louder with irritation at your refusal.

“what if i don’t want your help?” you shoot back and his mouth closes shut. “i don’t want your help or your pity or condolences or whatever it is! just go home!”

although your mouth said one thing, your mind was trying to telepathically convey another.

please don’t leave me now. please stay.

you don’t say a word as you walk into your bedroom, closing the door behind you, hoping he'll leave on his own. the moment he hears the click of your bedroom door, kuroo begins to try to organize as much as he can in your living room. he takes out your old leftover foods and tidies up the kitchen. he starts working his way through the living room, silently sweeping the dust off the floor and reorganizing your items that were strewn on the floor.

as he’s silently working, he begins to hear sniffles and sobs coming from your room. dropping everything, he finds himself standing in front of your closed door, fist about to knock the door.

“love, can we talk?” he says out loud.

it's silence from the other end.

"y/n... please..." kuroo's voice cracks. "i just want to see you."

"door's open," your voice is muffled slightly through the door.

he opens the door and is greeted by you wrapped around in your comforter, looking away from the door. kuroo takes in the state of your room. the curtains are drawn out and there are tissues littering your night stand along with your computer lying in the corner with a pile of clothes in the corner waiting to be cleaned.

you were always so organized, what started this?

kuroo goes over to the other side of the bed and your face is huddled into your comforter. he crouches down and starts to stroke your hair with his hand.

"baby? talk to me, love. what's going on in that pretty head of yours huh?" he coos in hopes of getting you to open up.

refusing to look him in the eye, you mumble into your comforter loud enough for him to understand. "it's been getting bad again... it’s been bad all week and i'm just tired all the time."

he kisses the top of your head. "and that's okay. not everyday is supposed to be a great day. you're supposed to have good days and bad days."

you finally emerge from your cocoon and the sight he's greeted with break his heart into pieces. your face has a slight red flush tint with the remnants of your tear stains on your face. he sees how you're trying to maintain a steady face, trying your best not to fall apart in front of him.

no questions asked, he brings you into his chest and the tears you worked so hard to keep at bay come apart. you start sobbing into his chest. he strokes your back in a rhythmic up and down motion, adding the occasional kiss on the top of your head. he finds himself crawling into your bed with you on his lap as you continue to sob into his chest.

once your crying subsides a bit and your throat feels a bit sore from the crying, you look up at him and he gives that genuine small smile of his that you've grown to love so much.

"i love you, you know that right?" he reassures as your eyes meet.

your eyes shift from one eye to another and you look at him as if he hung the stars just for you.

"i know and i don't know why you love me. i don't deserve you. you deserve someone who's put together and on top of it and just perfect. hell, you could do so much better than me... i don't even know why you're still with me."

his heart cracks at the heartbreaking words, escaping your mouth. he feels so stupid. have you been feeling like this for all this time and haven't said a word to him? he should've done something.

"when we started dating, from that very moment, i knew i wanted all of you. i want everything. i want your bad days and your good days and your lazy days and your rotting in bed days. i want your good and bad. i want your highs and lows. y/n, i just want you." he kisses your cheek.

he continues to reassure you, "i want all of it. and i want to be there for you the entire time. i don't want you to have to hide yourself from me. i never wanted you to be perfect. i wanted you to be just you. that's who i fell in love with."

"i love you with all your 'imperfections' you know that right?" he does the air quotes around the word "imperfections."

"yeah but it's so hard for me to accept-," you start but he brings his pointer finger to your lips, telling you to stop your train of overthinking.

you both are enveloped in a comfortable silence with kuroo's reassuring words hanging in the air.

"i love you so much, you have no idea," you finally say, cuddled into his chest.

"oh yeah? i couldn't tell," he begins to tease. "tell me more actually."

you let out a chuckle, playfully slapping his arm, and that warm, sweet smile of his forms again on hisi lips.

"there's my gorgeous girl. oh how i've missed you."

"missed you too, tetsu."

© tetsumie 2024 all rights reserved

[featherwurm]

I'm going to get a lot more personal on here than I usually do:

Baulder's Gate 3, and especially Karlach, make me feel seen in a way no price of media I've ever engaged with before has. It's a big reason why I love it and why it's sticking with me like it is. I too am a big, loud, enthusiastic woman who says out of pocket shit. I have a heavy internal dialogue with myself. I have a temper, I'm bisexual, I love cute shit. I endured years of being utterly touch starved. I love sex and food and being alive...

I also have cancer; it's Follicular B-Cell Lymphoma. I was diagnosed in 2020 when it had reached stage 3A. It's currently under control after chemo* and I'm living my life normally. But while it's a very treatable kind of cancer, it's not fully curable**. There's nothing in me they can remove (it's my whole lymphatic system that's broken) and no drug currently that can wholly knock it out. It's cause is not known (genetically or environmentally), and its unusual for this type of cancer to affect someone as young as I am (I was diagnosed at 35 - it's much more common 65+***). So every three months I go into oncology and they check my blood and symptoms and see if I'm doing ok. I get imaging and biopsies occasionally too. This will go on until I'm not ok (hopefully a long time yet). I'll have to have still manageable but more invasive treatment the next time around. It's a well researched kind of cancer, and my oncologist hopes that in the next decade there may be some more permanent cure for it.

So you can see where I'm going with this. When you hit Karlach's monologue after killing Gortash, I've never felt better understood. I have no one to blame for my condition, no revenge arc of course, but the very same fear, frustration, grief, and anger are all things my husband has heard from me. I've never seen a more beautiful and moving and real exploration of the topic that resonates with me so meaningfully out of a piece of fiction that I love. Béart's performance is amazing - capturing a whole spectrum of emotion.

Karlach's story is absolutely not incomplete as written, confirmed by both the devs and Sam Béart - a terminal condition is just that. You don't get to fix or save her, you get to go with her through tremendous trial and difficulty. If you want to continue that story in your mind that's great (I know I'm eager to do so, for my own personal encouragement if nothing else) but on it's own it's a whole story about coming to terms with something that doesn't have a quick and easy little fetch-quest resolution.

So - every time I see another whinging post/essay/bitchfest about how her story feels "unfinished" or "incomplete" or "has too much cut content" you can see why I might take it a bit personally - knowing that the life I have, the easy solutions I don't get, and the frustration and grief I live with is seen as incorrect and wrong and bad writing makes me a little pissed off. If you think the story is incomplete as told and think a 'third engine upgrade' is missing you completely missed the point.

Karlach doesn't get a simple easy ending because people like me**** don't get that either. And like my husband and the others who love me you can choose to follow that story anyway. And that's fucking beautiful.

*Yeah dealing with cancer and undergoing chemo during a pandemic was really a peach.

**XKCD hits the nail on the head here and here.

***Current treatments have good decade long prognoses... but saying 'you'll probably be fine for the next 10 years' is a lot different at 35 than it is at 65.

****And believe me I've heard from a lot of chronic/terminally ill folks who love the game for the way it represents these things and feel the same, with her Gale, and Shadowheart too.

[botanicadrabbles]

Hydrangeas'

Lucifer X Reader

Warning: Hanahaki, Blood mention.

Part 1 , Part 2

Word count: 1,027

Keeping it a secret was the hard part, sure you’re used to keeping things to yourself but avoiding Lucifer. The way he’d look at you with those soft eyes almost lost in desperation and longing, he wanted to talk to you multiple times but you’d turn the other way.

Now a days you barely left your room, when you did all you could hear was Charlie talking about her mother. She has every right you tell yourself, it’s not your fault you’re in this predicament.

It wasn’t her fault Lucifer refused to share what was your relationship to her. It wasn’t her fault Lucifer refused to acknowledge what you where or share measly little kisses and notions that where important to a relationship.

Over the last month you’d come to realise it wasn’t his fault either, you desperately wanted it to be. But you knew better.

Emotions where difficult, hell you barely knew how to control your own emotions. You couldn’t blame him for not knowing how to really understand emotions, you even knew why he was so distant..

The first time he loved someone it cost him everything and in the end she left. You felt stupid, guilt for thinking he didn’t want to love you.. Clearly you where paying the price.

More blood spilt from your lips, you spent most days in your bathroom now. Vomiting and becoming increasingly more pale. What used to use be small amount of petals and blood had turned into a small blossiming flower and harsher amounts of blood spilt.

You where so tired. Looking over to the alarm clock sitting where your body soap was ment to be you saw the time 3:00am. You had made a make shift bed in your bathroom, too tired to move much.

Hearing hushed whispers at your door you slowly collected yourself and dragged your heavy body across your room, it felt like you where dragging chained balls across the floor. You eyes wanting to shut.

Blanket wrapped loosely around you, you opened the door.

Angeldust…Husk… Huh…

“Hello?” you asked your voice voming out quieter and weaker than you had expected, Angel looked at you seemingly as if he had seen a ghost and for the first time you swear you can see Husk looking worried.

“Are you pregnant?” Angel asks, your eyes go wide in shock and take a moment to respond, seeing Husk look perplexed Angel had so confidently and shamelessly ask. “I don’t think so?” you asked raising an eyebrow confused. “Oh thank the heavens-...-Can you say that here?” Angel would say looking around to see if he got any confirmation.

Seeing no one else down the darkened and honestly terrifying hallway in the night you where grateful not wanting people to see you in such a condition.

“Why do you look so awful than?” Once again Angel asked so confidently as if shame just bounced off of him like a bouncy ball. You didn’t know what to really say about it all so you just shrugged, “Maybe a flu? Not to sure- could be contagious though-” you said trying to close the door.

You should have known better when Husk just pushed the door open, both of the two men walking in “Welcome in then” you said wanting to sink into the floor and allow it swallow you whole. You had no strength left to fight them as they investigated your room before finally finding their way into the bathroom where they found your secret out.

“Oh y/n/n…” Angel said pitying you, you hated that. Please anything but pity. You stomach turned more when you saw even Husk was looking at you with the same expression.

“Please just…Don’t tell anyone” You said closing your eyes, desperately wanting to just rest. They agreed, but over the course of the next few days Angel and Husk would alternate getting you food, drinks, medicine to help with the pain (in Angel’s case drugs) and any form of entertainment they could.

They didn’t want to force you to say who it was but could safely assume it wasn’t either of the because while they where there and distracting you, your symptoms seemed to lessen. They put all their free time into making sure your mind was too busy to think about who ever it was that was causing that pain.

You could here people talking outside your door a lot as if they knew something was wrong now but could always hear Husk and Angel telling them you just need some space and just going through a tough time.

It wasn’t really a bad thing.

You just wish they’d lay off on telling you about how Lucifer was bugging them for information on you. You where also surprised how they hadn’t quite figured out who it was. The one time Angel ever asked who it was, was a joke and more with the hope it wasn’t Alastor as there was no hope for that.

Angel was fixated on trying to play cupid while Husk would constantly tell him to lay off, you appreciated them and became better and better friends as this situation continued.

Another month passed and he couldn’t take it anymore, he had to see you.. You where asleep.. He was okay with that. His hand came to brush hair away from your face as he looked over you.

He admired you, to him you where art. Something to look at from a distance and not touch, he was terrified of what it could mean, the way you make him feel. He desired you so desperately but was afraid of corrupting you, changing you..Making you leave.

He didn’t notice anything, he was there one moment and gone before you could wake up. You could swear you felt him there but took it as a symptom of the Hanahaki. It was a horrible disorder it was…

That night you couldn’t go back to sleep, eventually sneaking off to Angel and Husk’s room and sleeping between the two as if they where your parents and you had, had a nightmare.

You couldn’t face Lucifer.. Not yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

[reality-exodus]

Detective's rescue

Pairing: Eddie Diaz x Reader

Summary: Eddie's relationship, the reader is a detective, they both on 24hour shift. Reader responds a 9-1-1 call and ends up needing first aids

Warning: blood, angst, OD symptoms described, mention of drugs

Being a detective on patrol wasn't the best thing ever to be frank, but it was something when you knew your boyfriend would accompany you all night long with his own 24 hour shift, it was rare thing for our double shifts to be on the same time, but when it happened I both liked it and didn't like it, we were both out. I usually work on cases in the office and do my research and help the firefighters with cases and they help me occasionally.

"So where are you strolling now?" Eddie asked, I was driving while I had a Bluetooth headphone.

"In the area of the homicide, the father killed his daughter while the mother was away… there is still no handy information for a warrant so I am looking for something I've missed" I explained briefly as I was driving past the house.

"Baby…" Eddie started to say, I knew how he felt when I was getting so passionate about a case. He disliked it, I overworked myself and forgot many things such as sleeping, eating or going to my shift.

"How about you? Didn't hear anything from dispatch, quiet night?" I wondered, cutting him off elegantly, setting my line of defense. I wasn't like Athena, I do not leave my job behind once my shift is over, I admire her for that though. I actually have to spend more of my personal time researching and studying. I have to go undercover to gather information, but I am not complaining. Sometimes though I need my people to understand me.

"Yea we are just hanging around." He replied with a heavy sigh he didn't respond to the q-word, I knew he wouldn't be bothered. I knew the response was unwilling. He knew my drill "Buck fell asleep at the Gym, Bobby and Hen are playing chess and Chimney is cooking" he analysed their situation and I smiled.

"Tell him to make an extra plate for me, I'll be dropping by" I spoke hoping that would make up for my big-headed behaviour.

"Oh You i decided to have a proper meal other than burgers and donuts" he joked with small giggle.

"Happens sometimes" I chuckled when I heard the wireless "babe hang on"

"This is 221-L99 available tell me the issue dispatch" I asked, I could tell it was May.

"Alright, there's drug dealing on the "overroof" club, there's a rave going on, some ODs based on caller's information, 118 of LAFD shall be there to take care of those." She informed me as I heard the bell on Eddie's side.

"I'll be in touch Dispatch" I spoke as I was connected to the team I would cooperate.

"Diaz no phones on patrol" I spoke as I was driving and couldn't finish the call. "221-L99 moving on scene. I am nearby I see three overdosed in their twenties one male two female they are simply left on the ground I am engaging the victims now." I spoke and got out of the car.

"Copy detective" Captain Nash affirmed me.

I approached the victims and checked the pulses. "All alive you need to come in quick…" I couldn't leave the uncouncisous civilians alone.

"Already ahead of you detective you are clear to proceed" my boyfriend replied sweetly, or at least that's what I thought.

"Dispatch moving in the club incognito, there's no bouncer or doorman" I informed them and opened the door. This wasn't a good sign, the dance floor was empty and so was the kitchen, I would have to go down stairs. "Ground floor empty moving to basement staircase" I announced and moved i could hear voices. "Dispatch sent some back up, I hear people" I spoke and dispatch obeyed my request.

I was right behind the stairs and I heard enough keywords that included heroin, drugs, and that the police can't find. That was my queue. "LAPD hands in the air" I yelled, Eddie always said that my voice in that phrase was so cold, smooth and dictated he found it sexy. "Don't move" I ordered. My voice was strong. They were three but I had a gun.

"Nope ass" one said and charged to get my phone I kicked him to the ground he slid to the floor with no Injury but before i could get in control of the other two, they had two bags of drugs five kilos each if I calculated correct the moment one of them came and punched in my face causing the white dust to be spread all around me in the air I stumbled backwards fell hitting my head on staircase, I took a deep breath trying to orientate, my vision got blurry.

"Detective Y/L/N, report" I heard dispatch between the ringing of my ears but the only response I could find was groan, I felt my heart going erratically with the beats. I was shaking.

"Detective" It was Captain Nash this time, his voice tense. But there was a pause. "Dispatch three offenders running away with two white bags one leaking" he reported and that's when my sudden dysphoria was making sense.

"Help" I managed to pronounce "OD" as I started to shake. I couldn't make out what I was hearing or what was going on, suddenly I saw Eddie in a mask with Chimney. They moved me outside my eyes were wide open but I couldn't react I was shaking, my body started twitching, I was held down, I could recognize Eddie's arms pressing me down, and smaller but still powered hands in my legs, chimney my guess. I coughed I could feel the salty, warm liquid laking inside my mouth, I coughed again.

"Baby… I am here" Eddie's voice was fading as black spots invaded my vision as I started having trouble breathing.

"I get no pulse" Chimney announced, "Hen start compressions" he instructed as he pushed on the oxygen in my face

"Oh no no honey, please-" before Eddie could finish his sentence I heard Buck taking him away as another person took his position next to me.

"Captain bring the AED" Hen requested she kept the pounds on my chest.

"Still unresponsive" Chimney said, causing Eddie to make a movement closer to me, Captain and Buck held him back

"I'm unbuckling the shirt, we are shocking" Hen spoke I heard footsteps

"Eddie please leave" Captain requested with a heavy sigh, I am sure he thought of the time Athena was in my position.

"Just let me be by Y/N Captain" Eddie requested , next thing I feel his warm loving hands on my face removing my hair stroking my cheek his fingers on my neck in desperate hope he would get the slight pulsation in my veins.

"Eddie hands" Hen spoke and he removed them as I felt electricity, I couldn't define what kind of pain it was or if it was, more like a sting to my whole body that would either wake me up or be the last thing I feel…

"Give me more Chim" Hen encouraged him the third clear was heard, the screen kept beeping. There was silence other than that.

"No no no baby no" Eddie panicked he started compressions but Buck pulled him off of my body. He yelled at him Buck yelled back I wasn't sure, my ears started ringing, was I dying…? The first ponder that dominated my mind, made my stomach twitch. I coughed vomit out…

I was alive

"Hey girl, hey easy now" Hens' voice sounded and turned me to the side to let it all out. Chimney secure my position so it wouldn't cause any damage.

Eddie raced next to me, he leaned in and kissed my forehead "oh god love, you scared me so much." I smiled as I turned on my back looking at him upside down as he leaned above my head.

"I'm sorry" I smiled and reached his face, I was shaking rapidly, he simply took my hand and kissed the palm before bringing it to his cheek, his cheek so hot against my freezing skin.

"Hey no no, it's not your fault, we must get you to the hospital now alright?" He smiled down at me and my smile faded at the hearing of the location I had to be.

"I won't be admitted in, I'll sign out" I announced, the sweet moment long gone as I made a move to get of the stretcher.

"Wow,now detective, you have to be cleared out in order to return to your cases, we are transferring you to the ER. I have to do it by the book, you know the drill" Captain Nash intervened immediately, and I could see the relief on my fiancee's face.

"Ah now we are by the book, that's nice to hear" I barked, I knew I was wrong, but hospitals, hospitals gave me anxiety, Eddie would have to go to Christopher eventually and I don't like being alone in those white cold rooms. "Guys please" I pleaded

"you are facing an extended pcp od, and a small hit on the back of your head, your blood pressure is perilly high and you have extremely unstable arrhythmias" Hen essayed the reasons I should listen to them as my eyes turned teary I was panicking.

"Hey hey sweetie" Eddie sighed "I'll be with you the whole time" he promised and kissed my cheek gently as they all stood up carrying me to the ambulance. He stepped in sat next to me while Hen joined, just in case. He was holding my hand, just looking at me, his ember eyes, he was worried even if he wouldn't admit.

"What about Christopher?" I asked concerned.

"Buck is already on his way, but how are you feeling Y/N?" He asked me softly stroking my head.

"I have dysphoria" I explained and soon Hen gave me a mask my eyelids turned heavy as I slipped from counsiousness.

I don't know what time it was, or how long I've been out. I blinked my vision clear, the lighting was dim in the room Eddie fell asleep on the chair next to me, I couldn't help but smile. He did stay. I stood up holding on my IV, feeling lightheaded, I moved to the bathroom, I looked terrible red eyes pale skin, weakness though was the worse.

"Y/N;" I heard his voice call my name in alert.

"What is it?" I asked making abrupt movement to get to the door I leaned there feeling another hit of vertigo getting the best of me.

"I thought you left, hey let me help you baby" he sighed in relief and approached, he was still on patrol clothes. He scooped a hand over my waist and held my weight as he walked me to the bed, softly placing me to lay down.

"Can I kiss you now? Or I am still high?" I asked him placing my hands around his neck, the IV tube got tangled between us, he smiled getting it out of the way. He leaned in and kissed my nose. His lips formed a smile.

"You have been good tonight, not running away, so it is well deserved" he smiled and located his lips on mine, the sweet kiss forming, he was gentle and cautious as he was touching me.

"Mhm mostly because I have been unconscious all night long and I get dizzy after three steps, that played it's part too" I spoke and kissed his cheek softly

"Let a man be happy" he spoke faking frustration before he kissed me again. And again.

[beloved-belittled]

Gods/Titans x Sick! Reader

Characters: Shinnok, Raiden, Fujin, Liu Kang, Cetrion, Kronika 

A/N: Did not have the brainpower to work on my other stories so I drafted up this instead. Influenza is a bitch.

TW: Implied yandere, mentions of drugging, kidnapping, death, SFW

18+ to interact

Shinnok 

Can probably detect that you're getting sick before your symptoms show. You know how some people can smell sickness? It's like that with Shinnok. Thankfully, you don't have the waft of death he's so accustomed to being around. He's not worried about you dying from this. Still, he'd rather not his plaything be ill.

He's a bit confused on how you got sick in the first place though. He doesn't exactly take you outside once he's kidnapped you, and it's not like he's affected by any mortal disease so ???. It's especially puzzling if this happens while you're trapped in the amulet. At least in the cell you came into contact with demons who may have carried something. 

Regardless, at this point Shinnok realizes his arsenal of healing magic is rather… Lacking. He's much more adept at rending flesh than mending it. But he's a skilled sorcerer so it takes him little time to learn a healing spell. A few test subjects later and he feels confident at curing your cold.

All this takes less than 24 hours for Shinnok to achieve. You're probably bed ridden at this point with all the chills/fever, coughing, and weakness. Speaking of beds, I think this is one of the few times he'll have you sleep in a bed rather than your cell. He wants you to recover after all. The only way you’re dying is by his hands and not some petty mortal disease. 

His magic works better than any herbal healing or medicine tbh. One moment you're on death's door and the next you've completely recovered. No sign of illness anywhere in your body. Even though being Shinnok's darling is not desirable, it does come with a few benefits like this.

Raiden 

Raiden doesn't know you're sick until the symptoms show. Might not discover your illness until 2-3 days of you being under the weather due to his busy schedule. He likely hears about your condition from a monk he's trusted to watch over you. Man immediately teleports to the Sky Temple to see how you're doing. He finds you laying in the bed barely able to move. Wearily, you greet him only to immediately fall into a coughing fit.

Unfortunately, he can't fry the disease out of you with his electricity. So, herbal healing it is! You drink more tea this week than you have your entire life. Seriously, you have to beg Raiden to stop because your stomach is about to burst. He does, only to immediately pursue some aromatherapy. Your room smells strongly of flowers and eucalyptus afterwards.

Would frequently check on you nearly every hour. If there's an extremely urgent matter that calls for his attention he'll leave his most trusted colleagues to look after you. Right after he's done with business he'll ask the person if your status has improved. 

He's super mindful of making sure you don't get bed sores or any other complications from laying around all day. At the same time, he only wants you getting up to bathe or use the restroom. You're essentially stuck in one place until he can 100% guarantee you've recovered. 

If your condition worsens he would hire a doctor to come see you. If the doctor suggests you go to a hospital, Raiden will take you there. I imagine the admission process would be a bit awkward though. He has no idea how all this works so you're left doing most of the speaking. You get admitted in though, and no his constant visiting doesn't stop even now. The hospital staff would likely have to kick him out.

Overall, he's praying that you'll make it through this.

Fujin

Well, Fujin actually lives among mortals so he has more knowledge on how to take care of you. Like Raiden, whenever he's on important business he hires someone to watch over you. I could see him having a phone unlike his brother. Definitely more hip with the times. Anyways, because of this he probably gets a worried text from your caretaker that you've fallen ill.

He arrives back home ASAP. Seeing you in this condition pulls at his heartstring the most. Out of everyone he's the most worried, as he's had his most favorite mortals pass away from illness. He wastes no time getting into Dr. Fujin mode.

He has you on a liquid diet until you heal. Tea, soup, broth -that's all you're eating for the next week. He’ll get whatever you need medicine wise. Got a headache or cramps? He'll get some painkillers pronto. Are you coughing with an irritated throat? Have some cough syrup/drops. He's very attentive in giving you a balance of home remedies and prescribed drugs.

It pains him every time you cough or groan in pain. He wants nothing more than to cure you right now. He hates seeing you suffer from illness. You can expect him to keep you company for as long as necessary. He'll also bring whatever entertainment you want, long as it isn't too expensive. 

Again, if your conditions worsen he'll take you to a hospital. It's a smoother process getting in with him though. He also understands the concept of visiting hours, but best believe he's taking full advantage of them. He'll only leave your side if he has to and will be back the next morning.

Liu Kang 

He doesn't have an ability to detect disease but he does have impeccable intuition. Something just changes about you before you fall ill. He's not even sure how he predicted it, but sure enough you're bedridden a few days after his spidey senses tingle.

He tries not to be too worried about your cold. He hasn't crafted your destiny to be one where you die from disease. But, there are some externalities even he can't control being Keeper of Time. So, it's off to the Wu Shi's medbay with you!

The Fire God checks up on you regularly, but not as often as Raiden or Fujin. It's not that he cares less, but rather he understands boundaries more. You don't need him breathing down your neck while you're recovering or sleeping. He makes an effort to see you every day though, giving you updates of what's going on at the academy. 

If you're suffering from chills though at least you're in luck! He'll keep the room more than warm enough with his fire powers. It's like having a heated blanket around whenever he's in the medbay. At the same time, if you have a fever you may find his presence to be a little too warm. 

I believe if you don't get better he'd take you to a sorcerer skilled in healing. Luckily, there's a whole multiverse at his disposal so it's extremely easy for him to find someone to cure you. You won't die under his care. You're far too precious for him to lose.

Cetrion

Can detect your sickness way before symptoms show. Honestly, you probably wouldn't even realize you're sick before her magic heals you. With her around you don't have to worry about such mortal afflictions. 

If there was an illness that her powers couldn't heal… Well tbh you're probably going to die. But, I think it would leave her spiraling into a pit of worry beforehand. How did you get this disease? What can she do to help you? I think she'd try a lot of home remedies like the other characters here but doesn't have as much faith for it working. After all, no mortal medicine can surpass her powers as an Elder God.

If you pass away from this she'll likely just keep your soul in Heaven with her. If she's Keeper of Time she may just restart the Timeline. Although, I can't imagine it'd be too hard for her to just put your soul in a surrogate or artificial body. Regardless, she's not going to let an illness take you away from her. The consequences be damned.

Also, in a weird way I could see Cetrion getting you sick on purpose. Drugging whatever you eat/drink with just enough poison to make you lethargic and sleepy. Or manipulating the timeline so you're purposefully born with a weak body. It feeds her ego to take over a caregiver role for you. Having you completely dependent on her love and attention gives her a much needed dopamine boost. It's very unfortunate for you.

Overall… Probably the best person to have if you get sick. As long as she decides to heal you immediately of course.

Kronika

Is even more confused than her son about how you got sick. After all, she had you trapped in a pocket outside of time. Even if you caught a pathogen, it wouldn't be able to progress due to time being paused there. And not only that, you've been in there for far longer than the incubation time of any disease. Briefly, she wonders if your safety inside the bubble has been compromised. She dismisses that idea though. No… No one has the ability to tread that space without her permission. Not in her New Era.

Fortunately, she can just reverse the “age” of your body to before you got infected. She's reversed time on your body several times at this point, so she's not the least bit worried about doing so. A wave of her hands later and you're cured. And feeling a bit younger too.

Not much else to really say here. I doubt she would intentionally get you sick. Also with her being a Titan and succeeding against Liu Kang/Raiden in this timeline, the arc of history really does bend to her will. So basically -you're not getting sick on her watch.

[beomoa]

WHERE.. AM I?..

( monster trio. )

request \\ Can I ask for Platonic Yandere! Luffy , Zoro and Sanji with Isekai!Y/n ? By that I mean , Y/n is from real world but got teleported into their world?

a/n // whoever was this person, when are we getting married.

Cws // dark content?, possessive behaviour, kinda proofread?, implied drugging.

AFAB READER.

LUFFY

It has been a while since you've been sent into this "universe" you're starting to get used to this "pirate life" But every time you try to tell them "Please drop me off on a town or maybe a village, I'll be fine-" You instantly get cut off by the captain himself, luffy frowns. Everytime you try to leave the ship, he gets upset, your new to this kind of things! Let him guide you till you can go back alright? You don't need to fight, just sit still and have fun. Don't try to leave. You don't get to have this everyday in your world right?

"Where are you going?" Luffy said, with curiosity, but not that curiosity you usual see this time.. It feels like it's an order for you to answer his question. "Im leaving here! Thank you guys for taking care of me.. I know I was careless sometimes but-" There it is again, getting cut off by him "you don't need to leave y/n. You can join this crew! Don't you want to stay? Do that town have something we don't?" He "responded" With such.. You don't know.. Sarcasm? Is he mad? "I'm just.. I don't like it when people attack this ship alright? It's just sudden.. It's a thing I can't get used to.. It's stressing me out, my body is fragile, I'm aware of that, thanks for not letting me fight or just straight up told me I can do nothing when people invade the ship but.. It's just.. I can't handle seeing this kind of things.. It's normal for you guys because it's your world! Not mine! If this happen to my world I don't know how to even survive..!" You slightly yelled, yet hes still staring at you, confused? Shock? What?!

"Then I'll put you in a room. When we fight, your gonna stay in a room. A room where it's silent, and relaxing when I fight enemies, just for you.. I'll make Franky build it. Stay." There he goes to his reasonings why you can stay. "But-" Please let me say something.

"You'll stay now right? Right y/n? After the room is made, you can put your things in that room.. if you want something I'll buy it. You'll stay now right? Please?"

ZORO

You didn't believe that your life became this way, you sat on the deck watching the sea, it's relaxing, you wanna leave.. But you can't. Why, why can't you leave? Zoro, the former pirate hunter is stopping you, it's been almost 9 months since youve been in this.. World. And it looks like zoro, you catched his attention. "..i think I'm going back in my real world after this month.. im feeling the same " Symptoms" When I got here..ahh.. Can't wait.." you said, in a tired but excited word. "Hah?" Zoro, that acted like your older brother responded, he was clearly not happy that you're finally coming back to that..world you live in. "I'm coming back to my own world! I can't wait to go back.. I think I have.. About 3 and a half days till I get back" You giggled, happy, excited, zoro was the opposite. He wanted you to stay a bit longer..wait no, actually he wants you to stay here. Like you actually was born to this world except of that.. World you live in, he wants you to keep trainibg with him, nap, eat. Just like any big brother would.

After 4 days you didn't come back. At all, when you opened your eyes, excited to see your room, your.. Really own room. But except you woke up in his room, seeing his three swords really work you up. What happened? Why didn't you come back?

"Your awake, glad. The cook said breakfast ready, come on get up" Why is he acting..so normal? Your so confused. A lot of question filled your mind that was left unanswered. What.. Happened..?

SANJI

"Y/n-chan, it's time for snacks! Here you go.." He's so gentle with you, he's like a brother to you..but everytime you try to go to an adventure to anyone especially with luffy.. He's always with you. saying that he wants to come with you, just so you and the person you were with doesn't get lost.. except nami or Robin. He covers it up with wanting to protect you guys.

"Sanji.. I feel so.." As your vision blacked out. Your head fell on the counter, he slightly bit his bottom lip. He left the stove, and looked at you, with care and gentleness "I'm sorry.. I don't want you to come back on that horrible world." while he caresses your head, he positioned himself and lifted you up.

you woke up in your room, tucked in.. Feeling so comfortable.. ".. S.. Sanji.. Where.." You were panicking. No person cane through your mind except sanji, only sanji is the one who saves you from troubles somehow. "Y/n..Your awake!.. Don't worry, your just in my room. You missed breakfast... We're you okay my dear?" He asked with such gentle voice. Caring and gentle voice. It feels like.. Something was wrong. What happened? It feels like something was erased but what?..

".. y/n-san.. Are you feeling alright? Is something wrong?" You were starting to look around. "No nothing.. I.. did something happened..?" You asked, he tilted his head and shakes it. "No dear..probably a dream that was wrong wasn't it? It's okay, come on, let's not miss lunch alright?"

What.. Was it? Why were you doing?

[autisticandroids]

broad strokes of my interpretation of 5x04 the end/the overall guidelines i pay attention to when writing endverse fic

it's about sam. in both a positive and a negative sense, all of endverse is built on sam's absence. on the one hand, there is a freedom and joy for dean that comes from being rid of sam. sam and dean don't really... like each other anymore from s4 onwards, and their unbreakable bond becomes more like a curse to both of them. in a way breaking it is a mercy, see: free to be you and me dean sections. sam's absence allows dean to form meaningful relationships in a way he's basically incapable of with sam around. and to dean sam is a ball and chain, he is first and foremost a duty, not a brother or friend. watch out for sammy. without that millstone around his neck dean is free to be his own person in a way he has literally never been in his whole life. on the other hand, there's the horror of it. sam says yes, and that breaks dean. while dean was running around having a grand old time exercising newfound freedom, he was shirking his duty. his personal world was ending, and he didn't even know it. in the end, dean will never escape sam or have an identity outside of him, and with sam gone - not just separate but gone - he is fully and irrevocably broken.

endverse dean and endverse cas are so divorced, but in order to be that divorced you have to have been married first. to circle back to free to be you and me, do you see how happy dean is in that episode? do you see how sweet dean and cas are on each other? that's the starting point for endverse. that's the point of timeline divergence. whether their relationship experienced a gradual souring or a sharp decline when sam dies is unclear, but we know that it wasn't always this way. this is something that changed.

endverse cas probably isn't as pathetic as you think he is. this is a three-pronged point. 3a. when i say pathetic i don't mean miserable i mean pathetic. endverse cas is extremely miserable every day all the time bc of having to live through an apocalypse and being cutoff from heaven. however. compared to canon cas at the same time he is way less pathetic. he's a lot more self-possessed, and feels entitled enough to a good life that the fact that he's miserable makes him bitter. he may be unhappy but he does not have the kind of self-hatred/low self-esteem that canon cas has because that stuff develops later for particular reasons. 3b. dean is not like. the only thing in his life/the only reason he's miserable and he's probably not even the most important. he's literally living through the apocalypse for chrissakes. and also he's cut off from heaven, which he in the text cites as a major source of his misery. i tend to choose to interpret that as like. missing the hivemind of heaven (or even missing his angelic siblings who he cares deeply about) in order to get it to gel more with my interpretations of canon cas. but even just taking at face value that cas feels powerless and debased because of his fall that's still crunchy and like. not about dean really. like yeah the guy he fell for is no longer capable of loving him but also there's bigger problems here. 3c. drug use. obviously endverse cas uses various substances but if we look at the actual text there are three references to drug use across two exchanges. number one is "are you stoned?" "generally, yeah" ok like we are all grownups here and can admit smoking weed is fine right? right? obviously being stoned all the time is a sign that things aren't going super great in your life but that's generally a symptom of something worse. and then "[takes pill bottle] amphetamines?" "it's the perfect antidote to that absinthe" there are two references to drug use here. one is the fact that cas is taking adhd medication. that's addictive and he could be addicted to it, but also it's not exactly unusual for soldiers to take amphetamines before a battle, nor is it unusual for people who have to drive all night to take them to help them stay awake. also, the way cas talks about it, the vibe seems to be that this is one of many substances that cas occasionally partakes in. the other reference here is to the absinthe and that actually is a cut and dried reference to drug abuse. drinking heavily before driving all night and then going into battle is super irresponsible and likely indicative of a problem. and then the other body of evidence we have is that dean seems to consider cas to be absolutely competent and reliable, so if cas is addicted to something, it's definitely what you'd call a functional addiction, something that doesn't interfere with his life too much. so, broad strokes: if endverse cas is gonna be an addict he is actually probably most likely a functional alcoholic. which is also pretty fun because then you can really play in the space of He Learned It From Dean. 3d. endverse cas is textually kind of a sleazebag.

endverse dean is a shithead but not the way most people think. the notable thing about endverse dean is that he doesn't care enough about other people - endverse cas included but not unique. he's a bastard but his bastardry is lack of care, not intentional cruelty. this is, imo, if i may circle back to the first point, a result of sam's death - after that, dean became singleminded, only really interested in killing lucifer. willing to send cas and others he cares about into a meat grinder to chase his white-suited whale. but he's not mean. just cold. there is the festering corpse of a love relation between dean and cas, but it's not a situation where dean is mean to cas in the way like, season fifteen dean is mean to cas. he's not controlling, not using cas as a punching bag or chewtoy. maybe there's some mutual sniping but mostly dean just doesn't care. as a point of interest, one way in which endverse dean is cruel is he appears to be a habitual cheater. just watch cas' reaction when risa accuses dean of cheating on her. that's the face of a man who has been in her position and knows she is a fool to expect better. but again that's kind of more about not caring about the impact of his actions.

[pyramid-of-starrs]

Take Care of Me Chapter 1: Empty

Chapter mood board:

Chapter warnings: Cursing, Symptoms of ED, mentions of depression/depressive behavior, insecurity, body shaming? , Fem names and parts, toxic relationships, lies, arguing, aged up Seonghwa (29), Aged up Wooyoung (25), smoking, drug use, drinking, sexual activity while under the influence (Everyone involved is coherent and consenting)

Smut warnings: Tongue kissing, drool? ,Fingering (Fem receiving), body worshipping, boob play, public sexual activity.

Word Count: 8.3K

if I'm missing anything please let me know

This is not a representation of Any members of Ateez and this story is fictional.

Minors DNI

Chapter Playlist:

(4) Take Care of Me Chapter 1 - YouTube

Wake up. Eat. Work. Shower. Was this how life was supposed to be lived? Was life meant to be so dry and mundane? You go to work every day and leave in your car then come home, drink some wine, pet the dog, have dinner, and go to sleep and do the same thing the next day. The weekends you sleep and ignore the messages from your friends asking you to go out. Going to bars and clubs at 28 sucks, either you get younger guys trying to prove that they could fuck you good or guys your age trying to prove that they still can fuck good. Who the hell would even want that. Enough thinking, time to get to work, you slide on your skirt over your stockings and put on your blazer and head out to the front door. Right on time a knock at the front door can be heard you open it to see your usual caretaker, Jonathan, a very nice older gentlemen that you pay monthly to take care of your house, plants, pool, and dog while you’re at work. Yeah, you opted to buying a nice big house to fill the lonely void and unfortunately it was too much for you to handle on your own, hence you hiring Jonathan.

“Good morning, Mrs. Y/N, off to work ?���

“Yes Jonathan, as usual call me if you need anything okay?”

You handed him the house keys, Jonathan felt like it would be best for you to give him the keys every morning instead of him keeping a spare because he didn’t live in the best neighborhood and didn’t want to risk someone taking it and you getting harmed. You assured him that you had a very good alarm system, but he still didn’t want to be a bother, he was the sweetest man in the world. He took the keys from your hands and smiled at you warmly.

“Okay Ms. Y/N, have a great day at work, let me know if you’ll be running late so I can push back your food delivery time.”

“Will do, thank you.”

You walked out as he walked in and headed to your car in the driveway, once inside the car you turned on the radio and headed off to work. From there the bleak and boring feeling still stayed but you couldn’t complain because the money was good, you worked for the top marketing firm and held a higher up position. Your assistant knocked then entered your office having you review some forms that you barely read, and you worked on your laptop throughout the day. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about the empty and unfulfilled feeling you had, no they are just going to babble and you’re going to tune them out too. Maybe you needed a boyfriend, but then again, the only men you knew worked at your firm and are boring too. Change of scenery? Nope, you hated moving, it always felt like too much of a hassle. Maybe this was just what you were meant to be, a normal, boring NPC watching life pass them by. It wasn’t your surroundings or the people in your life it was just you, you were just boring. Who knows and honestly who cares right now, all you wanted to do was get out this office and get home, today was Friday so you were just happy to enjoy your weekend of sleeping.

Once the workday ended you gathered your things and laptop and left your office, locking the door anticipating the coming weekend.

As you walked to the elevator you heard a voice call out your name, when you turned to see you saw your friend Rina.

“Y/N!!! I missed you!”

She ran over and hugged you, nearly knocking you down.

“Rina…welcome back from your work trip, how was it?”

She finally released you from her grasp, Rina was your co-worker now, but you met her in college, she worked part time at a diner you and your ex-boyfriend use to go to frequently. Casual conversations after her being your waitress for many times made caused you too to develop a long-term friendship, she has been through a lot with you and same for you for her. Rina got her bachelor’s in human resources and associate in communication while you got your bachelors in marketing and associates in photography, you both graduated the same year and Rina made you promise to get a job at the same place so you two would never be apart because she felt like you two were “platonic” soulmates. Now 4 years later here you were, Rina was an HR Rep while you were a Marketing manager both of you worked cushiony jobs, but Rina was happy, she was still wide eyed, you sometimes wondered how Rina kept that  same spunk, that same passion, whatever it was that was part of the reason why you couldn’t help but love her.

 “It was so amazing Y/N! I wish you could have come, the HR stuff was boring, lots of keynote speakers and those dry cookies you know I hate but the views and my hotel was beautiful! The perks of being in HR is booking your own stays and no one batting an eye at where you pick.” You and Rina continued your walk down the hall to the elevators. Once you two got on the conversation continued.

“That’s good to hear, I’m glad you got to enjoy the trip.”

“It would have been perfect if you came, you could have brought your camera and I know you would have gotten some amazing shots Eggy!”

Ah yes, Eggy, eggy was the name that Rina made for you because in college when you went to the diner, she worked at with your ex you would only order a side of scrambled eggs with water. She thought it was so peculiar that she started to call you eggy. What Rina never knew was the real and unfortunate reason behind your order. That was because of the insecure asshole that sat with you every other day at that booth. Your ex was a lot of things and had horrible ways about him, he made you feel terrible about yourself every day of the 4 years you were in college, but you clung to him because you desperately needed familiarity and someone to love you. Maybe that stemmed from some random unresolved trauma you had but all you knew was that you loved him. He often reminded you when you were eating too much and needed to keep yourself in shape or someone would “Swoop in and steal him away”. He made you cut your hair, wear baggy clothes so no one saw your bigger than average chest and plump thighs, you could rarely go to parties without him making a fuss and when you and Rina got close, he wanted you to cut her off because you two spent too much time together, but Rina would rather die than leave you alone. He was in his sophomore year when you started your freshman year, you two met at a party and hit it off from there. The relationship was pretty good your first year when you were a tiny and awkward freshman just excited to be in school for photography but then you entered your sophomore year when he was in his junior year and you gained you freshmen 15 in all the right places, your adult body had developed, big breast, thick thighs, and a fuller face. Men were showing you more attention and he hated that, he stopped taking you out, stopped wanting you to dress up and even told you to give up on making photography your career path. The more you thought about him the more it just bothered you, you developed a lot of bad traumas from him so shook yourself out of your head and realized Rina was still talking.

“Huh? Oh, yeah sure that’s fine” you said the first default answer that came to mind.

You two walked off the elevator as it stopped at the parking garage, she jumped out in front of you her eyes big and a huge smile on her face.

“Wait really? Oh my god finally! It’s been forever since we went out!”

“Went out?”

“Y/N you were zoned out, weren’t you? Ugh, well I said I was going out with some friends on Saturday and asked if you’d come with. You already said yes so, no takesies backsies!” she ran off to her car and yelled that she would pick you up tomorrow.

You sighed deeply, this was going to suck but there was nothing to be done now, trying to back out on Rina was fighting a losing battle. You got in your car and drove home, you pulled into your driveway and walked up into your home.

“Jonathan, I’m home.”

Jonathan walked into the home from the backyard through the backdoor, your black shiatzu in his arms with his little pink tongue sticking out as he panted.

“Hello Ms. Y/N, welcome home, your food delivery is on the kitchen counter, the plants are tended too, and Mister (your dog) is all taken care of.”

“Thank you, Jonathan, I already deposited your paycheck.”

“Thank you, Ms. Y/N, however I do need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” you walked over to the counter to take your food out and Jonathan put Mister down and closed the sliding patio door.

“Well, you see, I won’t be able to return for quite some time. My wife has fallen very ill, and I need to be there to take care of her...”

“Oh, well if that’s the case then I guess it’s nothing else that can be done then, that’s fine take all the time you need me, and Mister can manage.”

“Well, that’s the great thing Miss, I have a replacement already, my nephew recently moved to town and is looking for work and he could really use some honest work to get him on his feet.”

“Does he work as good as you?”

“I’ll show him all the ins and outs, I can even do it tomorrow!”

“That’s fine, I won’t be home most the day because my friend is making me get an outfit for tomorrow and she’s picking me up in the afternoon, so I’ll leave the key under the plant at the door.”

You walked him out and locked the door behind him, walking back over to grab your food and sit on your couch to watch TV. A sigh left your lips as you thought about the dreadful day of tomorrow, you finished your food, showered, and headed to bed as you laid there in your night dress you tried to shut off your mind to get some sleep but then the thumping started. The thumping was exactly what you thought it was, since you broke up with your ex 4 years ago you’ve only had sex twice with a guy you dated but couldn’t take seriously, it was going on 2 years since the last time you had been intimate and the throbbing in your core started a few months ago. You’ve never felt this horny before but there is always a first time for everything, you tried using your fingers and toys, but nothing really felt the same or gave you the same sensation, you try your best to ignore it every night but always end up staying up until the point of exhaustion with the aching feeling of your unsatisfied nub. You were woken up at 10am by your phone ringing, only 2 people ever called you, your mom and Rina. This time it was Rina, thank God. You reached over to your nightstand and grabbed your phone off the charger.

“I don’t want to go Rina.” You said in a groggy and cranky voice still tired from your area keeping you up.

“I don’t wanna hear it Y/N, you already said yes so, I’m taking you shopping then we can get ready at my place! My boyfriend is going to bring some of his friends too!”

Rinas boyfriend, right he exist, you usually don’t have an issue with friends’ partners, but Rinas boyfriend was your ex’s brother. Again, you can’t blame Rina because you never told her about everything with your ex, all she knew was that you two broke up and she always felt like that was the worst thing ever because she wanted you two to get married someday. You’re not sure if Rinas boyfriend knew about the shitty things his brother did but you did know that he wasn’t a huge fan of you after you broke up with his brother. Rina always told you that Hongjoong, her boyfriend, loved you but you knew that that was just something people say when someone doesn’t like another person.

“I don’t want to hang out with those guys Rina so if anything, that makes me not want to go even more.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, they are fun so you’re coming! We’re going to this new club downtown it’s really fun so hurry up and get dressed.”

“…fine, let yourself in when you get here.”

“Yay! Love you, bye.”

“Love you bye…”

The phone hung up and you groaned loudly, this day was going to be a drag, but you loved your best friend enough to commit to it, it’s been months since you last went out on the weekends so maybe the club scene has magically changed, doubt it. You got up from your bed to go shower and get ready for the day, while you were getting dressed Mister ran to the door barking and you could hear the door opening downstairs.

“Honey I’m hooooome.” Rina was dragging you out to a night you knew you wouldn’t enjoy but at least she’s adorable while doing, so you walked down the stairs to greet her.

“Well, hello my love.” Trying to play along, you could see Rina kneeled to pet Mister still at the front door, she had on a cute black skater dress with chunky sole black boots, despite her bright personality Rina enjoyed wearing all black, she thinks it compliments her shape, which she isn’t wrong, she was a petite built woman, she had a flat stomach but she had a small chest and not much thighs or butt contrary to you. Rina stood up and realized what you were wear. A black body-con crop top that showed your belly button and butterfly tattoo on your forearm and grey sweats.

“Girl what the hell, why are you dressed to sit at home I told you I was picking you up!”

“I am dressed to go to the mall this is my outfit…”

She signed and shook her head.

“Eggy what have I told you about not dressing depressed when you are depressed?”

“And I told you I’m not depressed.”

Rina knew she was fighting a losing battle and just decided to change topics.

“Well, your hair looks cute, so we don’t have to get that done and of course you have that gorgeous face, all we need is a cute outfit to compliment that godly shape.”

You fiddled with your bangs when she complimented your hair, you decided to change up how you got your hair done out of boredom last week and got dark burgundy extensions with a thin bang that stopped a little below your eyebrows. You were hesitant about the change from your usual 3 styles of either black middle part, black braids or just your natural curly black Afro but Rina suggested you change something up in your life so you wouldn’t be so gloomy feeling.

“Thanks, but let’s go before I change my mind.” You put on your Jordan’s and you two headed back out the door. You left the key under the plant on the walkway for Jonathan and his “trainee” and got in Rinas car to head to the mall. Once you arrived you felt a small pit in your stomach, shopping at the mall was everything but fun for you, clothing never fit you well and you felt like every skinny little teen girl was talking about you. You two walked in and shopped at a few different stores, stopping at a boutique in the mall you started to try on outfits while Rina stood outside the dressing room.

“So…are you excited about going out tonight Eggy?”

“You know my answer and you know you’re not going to like it.”

“Yeah, I know you’d rather be home with Mister and blah blah blah, I just want you to experience what’s left of our twenties, sometimes it feels like you’re already going through a mid-life crisis.”

“What does that even mean?”

“You’re always so humdrum these days, in college you were so fun, and we would hang out all the time but now I barely see you outside of work and I love my boyfriend and friends, but no one can replace my eggy.”

“…I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“Don’t be sorry eggy, put that energy into making yourself happy!”

You chose not to respond because you didn’t know what happiness looked like, you hated to admit Rina was right and you were already depressed and over life at 28 but you can’t help feeling this way. You decided to not think too much about it and finished trying on the last outfit Rina suggested, she knew you weren’t a flashy person, so she grabbed a few safe options for you to try on, this one was a white dress with spaghetti straps and a ruffled bottom that stopped at your knees, the dress was form fitting and showed a good amount of cleavage. You stepped out the fitting room to show your friend.

“How is this?” You asked with your arms crossed covering your chest a bit.

“Holy hell Y/N you look so hot! Take that off and give it to me I’m buying that for you right now.”

“Wait really? You like this?”

“Hell no, I love it! You’re so wearing that tonight the guys are gonna be in love with you. Seonghwa isn’t gonna know what to d-“ she slapped her hand over her mouth realizing that she had revealed a secret she was trying to keep from you.  You froze and just stared at her then you walked back in the fitting room to change.

“Now listen to me Y/N.”

“I don’t want to hear it, Rina.”

Once you quickly changed you handed the dress to Rina and left the store heading directly to the car. Rina quickly paid for the dress and an outfit she got for herself and jogged after you. By the time she reached you had already got to the car and was waiting for her to unlock it, she hit the unlock button and you both got in.

“Eggy I really didn’t know he was coming until today…I promise.”

You stayed silent while Rina sat there looking at you with the biggest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen.

“If you don’t want to go anymore, I understand…”

She didn’t know why you broke up with Seonghwa in college she just knew it was a bit sudden, one day you and Rina were planning the imaginary wedding the next day you stopped smiling and started wearing hoodies and letting your hair grow out. There was things Rina did notice, it was the fact that Seonghwa graduated a year before you two and communication between the two of you became less and less than one afternoon you two had a fight and then you broke up with him. Rina wanted to help get her best friends back together and even went to Seonghwas house but that’s where she met Hongjoong, Seonghwas half-brother that was a year younger. You explained the situation and he let you know that Hwa had left for Europe a few days prior. She respected your decision to break up with Hwa because you were in the relationship, not her but she always secretly wanted you two to get back together one day.

“…I’ll go…it’s fine.” You couldn’t keep living life hoping not to see Seonghwa again, you knew at some point you’d see him.

“I promise Eggy you won’t feel weird I’ll punch him if he upsets you!”

You two drive back to Rinas house to get dressed at around 9pm you and Rina are ready and decide it’s time to go. Everyone was meeting at Rinas house, so everyone was downstairs already.

“Come on Y/N, are you ready?”

You step out of the bathroom that Rina and Hongjoong had connected to their room and Rina dramatically gasp.

“Oh my god my Nubian queen I’m in love, please I’ll leave my man for you right now let’s run away together.”

You put on the dress she got you with black heels that laced up your legs, you had a very simple make up look that complimented your lips and eyes and added some fun curls to your hair.

“Don’t be dramatic Rina…”

She grabbed you by your hands and dragged you out the room as you two started to descend the stairs.

“Don’t believe me? Ask everyone else.”

You got to the bottom of the stairs and some of Rinas other female friends were there.

“We’re ready everyone! And look at Y/N doesn’t she look amazing?”

Everyone playfully cheered at your entrance, you couldn’t help but to feel a bit shy.

"So, this is the infamous Y/N we hear about but can never make it? I was starting to think Rina had an imaginary friend!" A woman you didn't recognize stood up.

"Yuna, nice to finally meet you Y/N." she walked over to extend her hand to you, and you shook it. You felt bad because your mind was not on her or anyone else for that matter. You were nervously looking for him...Mr. Park Seonghwa. Rina being your friend of many years saw how you scanned the room distracted and knew you were looking for him.

"Alright well Hongjoong and the guys are going to meet us at the club so lets head out."  You all exited Rinas loft and got into separate cars, naturally you rode shotgun in Rinas car."

You arrived at the club and went through the usually run down of the bouncers checking every nook and cranny of your purse then them checking your IDs.  Rinas friends flirted with security a bit to get you in for free and Hongjoong had bought a V.I.P section for you all so you headed over to it. You were not Hongjoongs favorite person because naturally he saw you as the girl who broke his brother’s heart and sent him packing to Europe alone when that was just the surface of the truth. Hongjoong skipped the school route and went into creating his own path in music engineering, it didn't make him much money at first and Rina supported him through it, then he finally got his big break and had worked his way up since. You had a lot of respect for him because you assumed that when he made it big, he would leave Rina, but he didn't, he stayed home to stay with her and takes care of her well. They matched each other well, when they first met, she was frantically looking for his brother to figure out the breakup situation, he thought she was cute and asked her out, he appreciated her genuine spirit. From there they have been together since.

Once in V.I.P you guys spent 30 minutes drinking and wand swaying to the music while you waited for the guys, you stayed seated in the corner working on one drink, you didn't mean to be a downer, but this was just not making you feel any better, you felt indifferent about the whole thing. Rina checked her phone and realized Joong texted her telling her to bring everyone to the dance floor because that’s where the guys were. Rina relayed the message and you let her know you were going to hang back a bit to then rejoin the group, she was hesitant about leaving you but accepted that maybe you just needed to thaw out still. As everyone was leaving you checked you phone and realized you got a message from Jonathan:

As you finished typing you heard a familiar voice, and it made your stomach drop.

"Texting my replacement?" The dreaded ghost of your past has finally appeared, you looked up slowly to see Seonghwa in black dress pants, a white button down with a pull over. You looked back down trying to keep your composure and calm yourself, you hadn’t seen Seonghwa since the day he left for Europe and had no idea it would feel this strange when you saw him again.

“No.” was all you could say, Seonghwa smiled and sat next to you.

“You’re not denying that there is a replacement then.”

“There isn’t.” You turned your attention back to your phone and crossed your legs. Seonghwa took a moment to really look over you, he sure did miss seeing you.

“You look as beautiful as always Y/N, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on beautiful don’t be like that; I want to talk to you.”

You chose to stay quiet because you simply had nothing to say to him, Seonghwa may seem sweet and innocent to everyone else, but you knew the real him, the him no one else got to see. In college he wasn’t only someone that made you feel insecure he was also a manipulative gas lighter. He made you feel lesser than, made you feel like you were always in the wrong, made you fell like you never did enough as a girlfriend. You gave your everything to him and he gave you hell in return. The week before seonghwa left for Europe he was telling you all about how he was offered an internship at a company in Europe and told you he wanted to go.

“Y/N it could really change my life and help jump start my career! I really think I should go.” He said to you while you both were in his apartment.

“I think you should go to; it sounds like your dream opportunity.”

“So, you’re on board then?”

“Of course, I am, you know I’ll support you through anything.”

“That’s so good because I already said yes and bought our tickets, we leave next week I’m so ha-“

“Our? Next week?” you asked with a puzzled look on your face.

“Well yes, I assumed you would be coming with me.”

“Hwa, I’m still in school, I can’t just up and leave I have to finish out my courses, this is my senior year.”

“That’s the thing baby” he walked over to cup your hands then look you in your eyes then continued.

“If I do this internship, I be able to get a great job that could take care of us both.”

The smile that was once on your face had completely faded now.

“But I’ve worked so hard, I can’t just quit and let you take care of me for the rest of my life.”

“Yes, you can Y/N, my career is going to be more than enough for us.”

“What about my career though?”

“You don’t need one if we have mine, you can pick back up your little photography hobby, doesn’t that sound fun?”

This was supposed to be his way of convincing you, yet this just sounded like he was belittling all the hard work you have put into your life. You took your hands out of his and back away from him.

“…You’re the one that told me to switch my major to marketing because photography wouldn’t get me anywhere in life…”

“Right, I know Y/N but now it can be something fun for you to do while I work.”

“Photography means a lot to me, it’s not just some hobby Seonghwa.”

“Fine whatever, why is this even the topic at hand Y/N this isn’t about you right now.”

“Well, I mean…it kind of is Seonghwa, you want me to drop out of school and just come with you to Europe for a year, that’s not something I can really just do.”

“You can always finish school later in life Y/N it’s not this serious.”

“It is to me though!”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Not go and throw my own career away just so you can focus on you?”

“No, I’m not telling you to not go Seonghwa, I’m saying I can’t go with you.”

He folded his arms and scoffed.

“So, you expect us to be long distance?”

“I mean why not?”

“Wow Y/N I knew you could be selfish, but this is crazy even for you.” You wanted to respond but he just continued. “You do know I didn’t have to even discuss this with you? I could have just broken up with you and left. I have options Y/N I think you forget that. Rather you go into marketing or do your little photography my job in engineering is going to be what takes care of us!”

“I never asked to be taken care of Seonghwa!”

“Good because you don’t deserve to be, you were just some dorky girl in photography when I met you and I helped elevate your entire life!”

“I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I can make choices on my own.”

“Right just like you chose to go to college for photography, you chose to gain weight, you chose to dress the way you dress showing all that skin to everyone that would give you attention. I helped make you the woman you are today, not you, not Rina, not your mom and not the guys that eye fuck you just so they can give you the attention and validation you are always so desperate for.”

Tears started to perk up in the corners of your eyes, you didn’t think telling him no would make him berate you like this, you even considered changing your mind and just saying yes and going but no. Why should you be okay with him treating you like this? Why should you stand for his horrible ways and self-centeredness, this isn’t what you deserve, you deserve much more then a guy that isn’t even willing to do long distance for a year. You stayed silent and started to gather your items while he continued his rant, once you were done getting your stuff you stood at the door and turned to him.

“I’ll be back tomorrow with Rina to get the rest of my stuff Seonghwa, hopefully you’ll be calmer.”

“Don’t bother, you don’t deserve me, you never have, if you walk out this door, we are done Y/N, you’re throwing away all 4 years that we have together.”

You stood there hesitantly, having a small panic attack about being alone, was leaving Seonghwa really what you wanted to do?

“Then I guess this is it then.”

That was the last words you said to Seonghwa before leaving his apartment and walking yourself back to your dorm in the cold night. You called Rina over and cried to her about you two breaking up but never told her the exact reason. From there the autopilot turned on and you started to just coast through life. Doing the most sensible thing and staying out of the way, your hair got longer, you got in the gym to lose the belly fat and you maintained yourself. You got a nice career after college, then bought yourself a house and a dog and even hired a sweet caretaker to help maintain everything for you. You never knew rather you did all that to prove to yourself that you could take care of yourself or to prove it to Seonghwa but even after all that you still weren’t happy.

You zoned back in from your flash back and realized Seonghwa was just staring at you.

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’ve missed you.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you miss me ?”

“Seonghwa…”

“I know, I know, listen I’m sorry if I’m being pushy, I was just really excited to see you tonight and I couldn’t contain myself, I’ll back off a bit.” He smiled softly at you, and you had to fight with your self not to melt on the spot you softly bit your bottom lip then took another sip of your drink. Seonghwa knew the effect he still had on you, he pours himself and you a shot of tequila.

“Still a light only girl, right?”

“Yeah…”

He handed you the shot glass and you put your drink down to take it.

“What are we toasting?”

“How about cheers to new beginnings?”

“Sure”

You two clinked your glasses together then tapped the table and took the shots, some of the alcohol spilling down the side of your mouth. Seonghwa grabbed your chin with two of his fingers and wiped it with his thumb. He stayed silent and you two just stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. Your stomach was in your ass at this point and your brown cheeks felt hot. You stood up to kill his gaze.

“I um- have to go to the bathroom be back.”

You walked out of the section leaving Seonghwa there by himself, you made it to the back of the club and found a small private room with an unlocked door and opened it.

You walked in and saw a couple making out which startled you.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” you said and was about to exit but then a man dressed in all black walked in behind you.

“Get the hell out of here, I told you two this room isn’t for fucking.” You stood there watching as the man shoo’d the couple out the room, he was a smaller gentleman, no way was he a bouncer he had to be a good 5’8 with some muscles but no where near as much as the guys standing outside. He had on a black t-shirt with black jeans and converses and his hair was longer, his split bangs covered his eyes a bit and when he turned back to you, you realized this guy was gorgeous.

“Hello, ma’am? Can you hear me?”

You realized you zoned out again because you could hear him talking to you.

“Are you okay lady? Do you need me to call someone?”

“Oh, um no sorry I just came here to cool off a bit but if I’m not allowed then it’s fine.”

“Nah it’s cool, you aren’t in here trying to fuck someone so you can stay, I’m about to take my break in here so come in, close the door and lock it.”

You nodded your head then closed the door behind you and twisted the lock on the handle. You took a seat on the sectional couch, and he sat on the one across from you, then took out a small bag from his pocket, you realized it was weed and chose not to care about it. You sighed heavily to release the tension in your body then closed your eyes and dropped your head back on the wall. While the man was rolling, he couldn’t help but notice the obvious tension in the room coming from you.

“Uh… you alright lady?”

You opened you eyes but didn’t make contact at all, you were dazed and confused about your feelings and what better way to feel better then to unload on some poor unexpecting Stanger.

“Yeah, I came out with my friends tonight and they invited my college ex that made me feel horrible about myself, but I can’t be mad at them because they don’t know about all the shitty things, he has said to me so now I’m stuck in a club with him.” Amid your rambling, you didn’t notice the man lighting his blunt and coming to sit next to you, he offered it to you, and you declined.

“Well mad at them or not that still sucks, sorry you’re going through that.”

“It’s fine nothing to do now but wait here till I die I guess.”

“Well, no, you could always tell your friends what he did I’m sure they would get why you don’t wanna hang with him.”

“Yeah, but my best friend dates my ex’s brother, so it’ll get messy, and I don’t want to come between them.”

He took another hit of his blunt and inhaled deeply.

“Fuuuck that sucks, yeah I don’t know what you could do lady.”

“Y/N, that’s my name, nice to meet you.”

You stuck your hand out to shake his and he grabbed you hand and kissed the back of it.

“Wooyoung, and the pleasure is all mine.”

“So, Y/N tell me more about this ex, seems like you never got to tell anyone about it, and you need someone to be on your side.”

“I don’t want to bore you.”

“You won’t, it would be a good reason to not go back to work.”

So, you did, you told Wooyoung, the random man you met in a private room at a club everything about you and Seonghwa, every detail and argument, and he listen as he finished smoking.

“God damn you’re right, that guy fucking sucks, I’m sorry you went through that, seriously.”

“Thank you, you were right it does feel better to finally tell someone everything.”

“I’m surprised hot girls like you have to deal with nightmares like that, it’s insane that he made you feel like you weren’t pretty and that you should cover your body.”

Your face got hot again, and you got a bit shy, something felt kind of good about this man agreeing with you, he continued.

“If you were my girl, I’d let you flaunt all of that shit, showing off that nice ass body you have, it would make me want you more knowing that other guys want you and can’t have you.”

That’s when it returned, the thumping, this incredibly sexy man was giving you the validation that Seonghwa didn’t for years, now you weren’t the type to seek male validation but Wooyoung sitting there looking like that and just giving it too you, you couldn’t help but admit it made you hot. You crossed your leg over the other one to give yourself a bit of friction to try to calm down then continued the conversation.

“Really?”

“Hell yeah, I think you’re sexy as hell so for him to try to dismiss you like that is kinda insane. If I were him, I’d say fuck Europe or do the long-distance thing just to keep you.”

“Wow, that’s actually really nice, thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem, the next guy to get you is gonna be lucky as hell.”

“Yeah, if that happens, I can’t even find a guy to fuck me good, let alone one that will date me and make me happy.”

He looked over at you with a confused look.

“Wait this whole time you haven’t even been having sex or anything.”

“Well, I had sex with 1 guy twice but that was 2 years ago.”

Wooyoung dramatically face palmed then slid his hand down his face.

“That’s insane as hell, sorry if I’m overstepping but again if you were mine, I’d be fucking you from sunup to sundown.”

Your stomach dropped again, and the thumping got more intense in your core, you were use to guys saying they would fuck you, but this felt different. Maybe it was because he was high, but Wooyoung decided to continue.

“You’d be bent over any surface I could find and when I wasn’t fucking you, I’d be treating you like how you deserve to be treated, so don’t expect anything else but what one man won’t do another is willing too.”

He finished his statement and placed his hand on your thigh, and something snapped in you, you felt like you needed this stranger, he had this effect on you that went straight to your heated core. You two finally made eye contact and you could feel the lust in his gaze, he wanted you as bad as you wanted him. You lunged forward and connected your lips with his, you lip gloss immediately spreading to his lips. He moved his hand from your thigh to your hips and gripped it gently. You two moved your head according to each other’s motions, the kiss was quickly elevated to a French kiss as you made the move to push your tongue into his mouth. You could taste the smoke that was in his mouth, and he could taste the faint taste of alcohol on yours, you both were coherent but lost in the lust you had for each other. He moved his other hand to your other hip and pulled you into his lap to straddle him, you had one leg on each side and the kiss continued. You both pulled back for air and breathed heavily.

“Are you sure you want this?”

“Yes, please take me.”

“Yes ma’am.”

He pulled the straps of your dress down, though you had rather larger breast you opted to not wear a bra that tonight, so the straps won’t show. Wooyoung continued to pull your dress down until your two mounts of flesh plopped out.

“They are so pretty Y/N.” he grabbed both, he had a boob in each hand and brushed his thumbs over your hard brown nipples, he put his soft lips onto your left nipple and sucked it lightly with his eyes closed. You dropped you head back and moaned lightly.

“How could he not appreciate these pretty boobs; I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of them.”

His praises about your body made you start to grind your hips down on him slowly. You could feel his semi-hard dick rubbing against your clothed cunt. He continued to suck your breast and flick his tongue on them. Your phone started to ring, and you looked over and saw it was Rina. You didn’t even realize you had been in this room for an hour, your friend group got back to the section to get ready to leave and noticed you weren’t there. You reached over to grab it, but Wooyoung continued to suck on your nipples like his life depended on it. You finally grabbed it and answered the call, you suppressed your moans and tried to sound like you weren’t currently dry humping a stranger in a room with his mouth on your breast.

“H-hey, what’s up?”

“Girl where did you go? The club is closing soon and everyone is getting ready to go.”

You bit your lip as Wooyoung continued to assault your breast, he removed one of his hands and went under your dress to rub your clothed pussy, the wetness had completely soaked through.

“I’m -ah- in the bathroom, I’ll be done soon.”

Rina was confused by your strange tone but continued the conversation. You moved your free hand to the back of Wooyoungs head and gripped his hair.

“Have you seen Seonghwa? We can’t find him either and he isn’t answering his phone.”

“No, I haven’t, um I’ll meet you over in the section soon.” You abruptly hung up and tossed your phone to the side.

“Aww, gotta leave me so soon pretty girl?”

He hooked his fingers into your panties, and you looked at him.

“W-we don’t have enough time…”

“Don’t worry pretty, all I need is 2 minutes.”

He laid you down on the couch and slid your panties off, he got on top of you and kissed you deeply, you thought he was going to try to fuck you quickly but instead you felt one of his fingers slide into your wet hole. You jolted and moaned into his mouth, and he leaned up, kneeling in front of your bent spread apart legs. He bit his lip and slid in another finger; you covered your mouth to suppress your moans.

“Mm don’t worry pretty, you can moan all you want in here, no one can hear us over the music, so let me hear that sexy voice.”

He glided his fingers in and out of you at a slow pace your back arched, he was going slow, yet it felt like your brain was being rewired, your pussy started to contract around his digits you already felt your orgasm on the fast track.

“Ah Wooyoung, I’m going to cum please.”

“My name sounds so good coming out of your lips baby, keep saying it.”

He started to jackhammer his fingers deeper and faster into your cunt and you gripped his veiny forearm, digging your nails into him. He knew the sting of your nails was a sign that he was hitting just the right spot. You started to say his name more and more, begging him to make you cum right there on that couch, his pace grew faster, your eyes started to roll to the back of your head, you saw white as your orgasm washed over you. You were moaning and cursing as he continued to pump his fingers into you as you came down from your high. A knock on the door brought you back to reality.

“Woo, the boss is looking for you bro, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

He slowly slid his fingers out of you and slid them into his mouth, sucking all your nectar from them.

“Damn baby you taste as good as you look, hopefully I’ll see you again Y/N.” He got up and grabbed the rest of his weed and got something off the floor and stuffed it into his pocket, he winked at you before leaving out the door. You got up and tried to get your footing, while you were fixing your hair and getting your phone you got another text from Rina and that’s when you realized you had to go. You left the room and met back up with your friend, she was there in the section alone with Hongjoong.

“Ah, there’s the missing person.” Hongjoong said in a sarcastic voice when he realized you had walked up.

“Y/N! Are you okay, I was a little scared when you didn’t reply to my messages.”

“Sorry, I was in the bathroom, one of the drinks I had made me feel a little sick.”

Rina got up and walked to you to place her hand on your back.

“Oh no Y/N, well let’s get you home so you can get some rest, okay? Baby I’ll meet you at home.”

Hongjoong nodded and stood up to leave the section, before he left, he turned to you to ask again.

“And you’re sure you weren’t with Seonghwa?”

“No. I wasn’t”

You rolled your eyes and the three of you left the club and went your separate ways. While in the car with Rina you stared out the window and watched as the buildings passed, you were thinking about what you and Wooyoung did, but you were mostly thinking about his words, for years you somewhat blamed your self for you and Seonghwas break up and often time regretted it but now you thought about how maybe Seonghwa really didn’t deserve you.

“What’s on your mind Eggy?”

You had 2 options here, lie and act like tonight never happened or tell the truth and remember the night forever.

“Nothing, I’m just tired is all.” You said switching your position because you realized Wooyoung had taken your panties.

You couldn’t bring yourself to tell your best friend that you let a complete stranger give you the best orgasm you’ve had in years. She pulled into your driveway, and you offered to let her spend the night, but she declined saying how she was excited to get back home to Hongjoong because he wanted to rip that dress she had on right off her body. You smiled at your happy and in love best friend and waved her off. You walked into your house and set the alarm while Mister followed you around panting and happy to see you. You showered and cleaned the makeup off your face, you put on one of your night dresses and laid in bed, as you were drifting off to sleep you realized something, the thumping was gone, and you were able to get a good night of rest.

….

You let Sunday brush past as doing nothing but working out and reading, then Monday rolled around. Time to get back to your usual routine, the moment you felt with Wooyoung in that room was the most you had felt in a long time, but it was time to get your head out of the clouds and get back to your day to day. Once you walked down the stairs wearing your usual skirt, stockings, button down and blazer you heard the knock on the door, you knew it would be Jonathan there to introduce you to his nephew. You opened the door and your stomach dropped; Jonathan was standing there greeting you with his warm smile with his nephew standing directly behind him on the side. You expected his nephew to be some random younger guy but no, it was none other then him, it could have been anyone else, but it wasn’t, it was Wooyoung. You both stared at each other, and it was a moment of silence.

“Ms. Y/N, this is my nephew Wooyoung, he’ll be taking over for me for a while, thank you so much for the opportunity. Wooyoung introduce yourself.”

Wooyoung smiled slyly, like a fox, his handsome face made you want to melt.

“I’m Wooyoung, I’m 25, thank you for the job.”

This was going to be one hell of a temp job.

Next Chapter Link

[mariacallous]

In many areas of health, women receive worse care, and suffer worse outcomes, than men. Women experience higher rates of adverse drug reactions. Across hundreds of diseases, they are diagnosed later than men. Women are more likely to suffer from common mental health conditions. In moments of acute pain, women are less likely to be given painkillers.

One small positive is that this gender health gap is finally getting the attention it deserves. “We’re much more aware of these issues now than we were previously,” says Angela Saini, a journalist and the author of Inferior: How Science Got Women Wrong. “It’s become a huge topic right across academia, medical research, health institutions, everywhere. Even everyday people see it in the press all the time.”

Seeing this health gap is one thing. Knowing what causes it is another—as only then can it be fixed. Ahead of speaking at WIRED Health in London on March 19, Saini sat down with WIRED to talk about how the gender health gap is misperceived and what needs to change for it to be closed. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

How is the gender health gap being misunderstood?

We make assumptions about sex and gender which may not explain the gaps that we’re seeing. It’s very common for people to make very bold assertions about men’s and women’s bodies being completely different, and needing a completely different system of health care, needing different regimes of research, when in fact, sex only really matters in certain contexts when it comes to health.

Very often what we’re seeing in terms of gender health gaps are failures to do with sexism, and misdiagnosis because of assumptions based on history and myths in health research.

Take heart attacks. Women are very likely to have them. But society associates heart attacks with men. When a man has typical heart attack symptoms, people—and I mean everyone, men, women, health professionals—are much quicker to identify that as a heart attack than when a woman has exactly the same symptoms. We don’t think of women as having heart attacks in the same way as men. That’s not a sex difference—it’s about the gender assumptions that we have that we associate with certain conditions.

Where we’re at now, there’s public awareness and academic awareness about gender health gaps. But work needs to be done at a much deeper level, from condition to condition, to understand what the actual reasons are underlying the differences we’re seeing. Is it a sex difference? Or is it sexism?

Where are these things being confused?

Consider the sleep drug zolpidem. Here’s a medicine the US Food and Drug Administration approved years ago, with guidance to doctors on different dosages for men and women. There are very few drugs like this. If you look at drug labeling, it’s very unusual to have different doses for men and women.

The reason given was that researchers noticed women were processing the drug more slowly than men. So in the morning, if they had taken this as an insomnia treatment the night before, women would still be feeling sleepy, which would be a problem if they had to drive a car or operate heavy machinery. So they said women should take half the dose.

But what later research revealed was that the difference doctors were seeing was less due to some innate sex difference and more to do with weight. The size of your body also impacts how quickly or how slowly you process a drug.

Well, if weight here is being used as a proxy for sex or gender, a larger woman would need the higher dose; a smaller man a lower dose. So why would you just not use weight as the measure for what dose a person should get? That would be a much more effective way of deciding. But because we collect data along certain lines and not others, then guidelines get written along certain lines and not others.

To give another example, sometimes women’s pain is not fully appreciated when they come forward. Women are statistically more likely to go to a doctor when in pain compared to a man. But then common myths and assumptions start to emerge: “It’s not that serious.” “She’s being hysterical.”

So there are lots of things to pick apart here. It’s the picking apart that we often don’t bother with. We just see a difference, and then that gets ascribed to something without us really knowing what the root cause is.

So how can we get better at picking apart sex differences and sexism to reduce the gender health gap?

For me, it’s about taking medicine to the next level of investigation, which is at the level of the social determinants of health. Many of the things that kill most of us have a huge social or environmental component. Things like diet, stress, the way that we are treated in society.

It’s only relatively recently that research started to be done into the impact of sexism and racism on health, and the impact of other social factors. The job that you do, your status as a married person or not, these can also have health outcomes.

So there’s all these little pieces where research is needed, and it’s an ongoing project. It's not as though you’ll only do a study once into the effects of being married or being a stay-at-home wife on your health. Because those social factors are always changing.

Sex and gender is an aspect of this social story. But it’s important to understand where it can be appropriately invoked. Sometimes gender is relevant, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes sex matters, sometimes it doesn’t.

What’s standing in the way of things getting better?

Well, research funding agencies are much more interested in looking inside our bodies for explanations for why things are as they are. The outside world is much more difficult to study, because social circumstances are always changing. They can be very different between households, even within households. It’s much harder to collect data on social circumstances.

But we’re at the stage where we can learn so much from people’s mobile phones tracking their activity. Data is being collected on what people are eating, their movements, how active they are. Eventually we’ll be able to build personalized pictures of people, and stop generalizing about people in groups and assuming that they’re typical of that group, and then understand them as a complex individual.

Who is making progress on understanding and closing the gender health gap?

Sarah Richardson’s team at Harvard University—she runs the GenderSci Lab—has done incredible work breaking down the causes of gender health disparities. They’re getting medical researchers to think very carefully about the context of the conditions that they're investigating.

The team did brilliant work during the pandemic. At the beginning there were all these very wild claims about gender differences with the virus—for instance, that women were protected because on average they have a stronger immune system. They showed that if you looked at the data this didn’t really hold up. They helped dispel this very pseudoscientific assumption that the virus was hitting all populations uniformly, and helped end the neglect of demographic patterns as a factor in Covid, the kind of jobs that people were doing, who were frontline workers, and so on.

This work around sex contextualism, as Richardson calls it, is a really compelling model for how to think about sex and gender in research.

[fizziepopangel]

Chronically Ill Angel Dust

Author's note: I suffer from CFS and I have a few other undiagnosed issues, and as I can feel the effects of my current flare, this headcanon list is rather self-serving.... I kinda wanna make a few more of these for other characters with other various chronic illnesses. Let me know if you have any suggestions! -Fizzie❤️

Angel suffers from CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) believed to be brought on by a mixture of his years of drug abuse wearing on his body, and years of psychological and emotional trauma. He isn’t sure how true that is, but he knows he feels like shit more than he doesn’t and he hates it…. Very few people know about his condition, the list being only 3 people long (Valentino, Charlie, and Husk).

Given the fact that he has a chronic illness and has a job that puts a lot of emotional and physical strain on his body, Angel tries to find little things that make him feel better. One thing that he’s come up with is skin care and long baths.

Naps. So many naps, and so many Fat Nuggets cuddles.

Fat Nuggets acts as a sort of unlicensed service animal/emotional support animal for the spider demon. Angel never really trained the pig to do tasks, but the little creature is eerily good at reading his owner's emotions and learned a few tricks that tend to help him on flare days.

Husk and Charlie are the only two in the entire hotel that know what Angel experiences. Angel told Charlie after a few months when he finally felt like he could trust the princess enough, but Husk found out on accident toward the time their friendship took that awkward first stage of romanticism when Angel broke down after a rather bad flare up of his symptoms left him in tears in his bed one day. Not being able to do much to help his spider companion in the moment, Fat Nuggets did what every good emotional support/service pig would do…. He went to Husk’s room and oinked at the door until the bartender let him in, then  stole his hat and ran to his own room so the man would have to come and find and help his friend.

Charlie always stops by Angel’s room to check on him whenever he skips their group activities, usually bringing him small gifts of things like pain pills, heating pads, and even small stuffed animals, or sometimes staying in his room to sit with him and let him vent about how he was feeling, or just so he didn’t have to be alone.

Husk’s approach to helping Angel usually revolved more around him doing things he knew often worsened some of Angel’s symptoms. Husk tended to help with things like laundry or dishes, or sometimes picking up things like pig feed for Fat Nuggets.

All of the soft blankets. He owns at least 20 or 30  soft and fluffy blankets and dozens of various sized pillows of varying firmnesses that he tries to use for his comfort for different aches and pains.

He has different sized heating pads and ice packs for the same reasons.

His shoulders, elbows, and wrists tend to ache the most, but his hips tend to bother him quite a bit too.

Angel does not know how to use his spoons wisely most of the time and tends to try to do as much as he can when he feels like he has more energy (spoons) than usual, leaving him utterly exhausted after he’s run out.

Valentino takes advantage of some of the spider’s symptoms for more “believable” reactions since he tells Angel that his acting has become stale.

Brain fog is a bitch for this man. The forgetfulness and confusion are usually his friends’ first signs that he isn’t doing the best. When his comebacks become a little dull, Husk usually starts to check in on him, while Charlie starts to check in when she notices Angel losing his words during conversations.

Once, when he was having a particularly bad flare up, a slightly older woman heard him complaining to Fat Nuggets as he walked out of a coffee shop, wincing as he leaned down to give his piggy pal a piggy cup. The woman then scoffed at him, saying that he was too young to be so tired or to know what joint pain really was…. Angel decked her. It worsened his pain, but he felt it was worth it.

[youregonnabeokay-kid]

ADHD information for fanfic writers:

Diagnostic Process:

the diagnostic process is different in every country, but this is a basic overview

- an ADHD referral can come from any type of doctor, unlike referrals for other neurodivergences

- the wait list depends on where you live and how old you are. typically the younger you are, the shorter the wait

- ADHD has to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist or by a doctor who has taken a specialized course to be certified in diagnosing and handling ADHD

- most doctors will make you fill out a questionnaire about your mental health. these questionnaires involves sections about family history, personal history, and statements that you have to agree or disagree with

- a good psychiatrist won’t diagnose you with ADHD during your first visit. they will instead spend the first few visits getting to know you and the state of your mental health

- most people are assessed for depression when being assessed for ADHD. this is because depression can present itself in similar ways. if diagnosed with depression and open to medication, the psychiatrist will first prescribe antidepressants and see how those affect you before moving on with the ADHD assessment

Meds:

- most ADHD meds are taken in the morning since they normally wear off after 8-12 hours

- when meds wear off we go through what’s known as a “crash” or “medication rebound”

- ADHD crashes are pure hell which is why some people with ADHD choose to only take meds during the week or they do nothing on the weekend as a reset of sorts

- basically, when our meds wear off all of our symptoms come back at the same time and we get overstimulated to the point of exhaustion

- some people have smaller doses of their meds that they take at the beginning of the crash. this means they can prolong the crash by a couple hours

- for some people, the first time taking meds is hell. the change is very noticeable and abrupt. i wouldn’t stop talking because it was “too quiet” (it being my mind)

- your dosage is not based on body type or weight and just because you take a high dose in one drug doesn’t mean you take a high dose in all others (my ADHD meds are 10mg higher than the highest prescribed amount but my antipsychotics are .5mg lower than the lowest prescribed dose)

- vyvanse is most often prescribed to people with combo ADHD, ritalin to those with hyperactive ADHD (especially those with impulsivity issues), and adderall for inattentive (no, this is not something that is typically disclosed or well-known but if you’ve talked to enough people w/ ADHD you begin to see a pattern) other ADHD meds are available but less likely to be prescribed

- other meds are also taken into account when getting a prescription for ADHD. vyvanse is the most versatile and is usually the one prescribed if you’re on other medications

- ADHD meds are stimulants which means doctors will never give you refills (if they do, they could lose their license)

- since they’re stimulants, for the first year you have to go to the psychiatrist’s bi-weekly for the first few months, then monthly after that so they can see how you are doing

- ADHD meds are known for lowering sex drives and increasing hunger (sometimes the opposite may happen, as with most drugs, but these are most common)

- it takes about 1/2 hour to an hour for meds to kick in and many of us are able to tell the exact moment they start working

Other Substances:

- the neurons and chemicals in the body of an ADHD person are fucked. this means that many substances and medications have either no effect on us, or the opposite effect of what they are intended for

speaking from personal experience:

- caffeine makes me tired

- melatonin and other sleeping aids like dextromethorphan, which can be found in many cough syrups, make me hyper

- weed makes me feel lighter, but it never affects me more than that. i never get a “proper high” like other people (ie; i find no more joy or fascination in bright colours or moving objects than i usually do)

- while “sugar highs” in general are a myth, they’re real for people with ADHD! they stimulate our dopamine and opioid receptors which gives us a burst of energy

- additionally, people with ADHD are more likely to be addicted to illegal stimulants like cocaine because it calms them down (yup, you read that right. when someone with ADHD does cocaine their mind quiets and they mellow down instead of the usual hyper-active high that neurotypicals get)

Additional Information:

- we’re lacking some of the neurotransmitters in our brains so it takes us longer to process information, and we have “more” thoughts than neurotypicals since our additional thoughts aren’t processed out

- we get what’s called “executive dysfunction” or “ADHD paralysis” where we are physically unable to do things despite no real physical limitations (for non-ADHD folks: try putting your hand in fire. you’ll notice that you are either physically unable to or that your body somewhat restrains you from doing it. this is what executive dysfunction is like. for ADHD folks: do not try this since we’re also less likely to have self-preservation instincts)

- basically, i can sit for hours thinking about doing the dishes, screaming at myself in my head to just do them, but i’m still unable to

- we leave trails! we have so many thoughts going through our head that we forget them all the time, so when we get a thought like “i think the printer is low on paper, i should check” we abandon all tasks in favour of the new thought. however, the remains of those tasks stay where we left them, and thus, an ADHD trail is made

- we have both the worst and best memory of anyone you will ever meet. i might be able to tell you the exact outfit you wore on a specific day five years ago but i won’t remember what i ate for breakfast

- when we get bored, we get depressed. like, life is meaningless and i want to curl up in a ball and die depressed. sometimes we need someone to physically force us out of bed to get us out of our funk (and sometimes all it takes to get out of the funk is doing something fun which makes us feel ridiculous when we think about how depressed we were prior)

- since boredom is detrimental to us, we have to constantly be having fun which, in and of itself, is not fun. this is also why a lot of us end up doing shift work or working dangerous jobs

- we’re adrenaline junkies. this isn’t even a “most of us” situation, it’s all of us. the only difference is how we get that adrenaline. (some get it by jumping out of a plane, others get it by working on assignments in a time crunch)

- we’re social beings. even if we’re introverts, we thrive on social interactions. without them our dopamine plummets and we, once again, get depressed

- all silences are awkward to us. it doesn’t matter if you’re the person we’re most comfortable with in the world, silence is always awkward. or, more specifically, we feel like we need to fill it which is why we often ramble

obviously there’s far more to ADHD than just this and everything can change person by person but i hope this helps to gain a bit more of a general understanding on ADHD

[nyaagolor]

Just finished Higurashi Arc 7 (Minagoroshi) and imma be honest with yall, I was not really vibing with the plot twist until i started thinking about it less as something to take at face value and more something to engage with as an extended metaphor. Higurashi as a complete work has four major thematic categories to me (agency, community, delusion, and fate) and Himinizawa Syndrome feels more narratively satisfying as an interconnection of those themes than as a home-stretch scifi twist (hear me out)

Ryukishi has an interview where he talks about his reasoning behind the plot twist, explaining that he wanted the audience to challenge their implicit biases around the ideas of mental illness and agency-- namely "if someone commits murder under the act of a drug, why are they not culpable when someone who does the same under the effects of a severe mental illness IS culpable?". From a metatextual standpoint, this serves as a challenge to the audience, but I think this framing has implications for the themes as well. Minagoroshi spends a lot of time focusing on the interaction between the themes we've been introduced to throughout the series, namely in the sense that if enough people believe something, it becomes reality. This is used in the context of Rika's miracle, the ostracism of Satoko by the villagers, and the delusions experienced by the "infected" themselves. It's not about the actual reality of the situation-- if a delusion is such a strongly held belief to an individual or community that it inspires action, that belief "becomes" real, and this is the part I think applies to Himinizawa Syndrome and Takano

The way that Takano talks about Himinizawa Syndrome and the way that people are encouraged to act based on her words is a pretty good mirror of the symptoms of the "disease" itself. She self isolates, operating entirely based on her own skewed view of the world and the people around her while engaging in conspiratorial thinking and retroactive explanation. Keiichi, Rena, Shion, and Satoko all develop Himinizawa Syndrome, but we see throughout the arcs how many people and situations act as instigators to exacerbate preexisting traumas and mental health conditions. The disease also only starts progressing when they're in Himinizawa, not "far from their queen" like Takano suggests. The fact that the nature of the delusions-- from their actual content to their frequency and the lines of the thinking the characters go down-- are extremely specific and more associated with the individual traumas and illness we know them to have further pushes me in that direction. Despite Takano insisting that lymph node itchiness is a symptom of Himinizawa Syndrome, the only people who experience it are those who knew about it beforehand. We have the benefit of knowing the loops, but Takano's "explanations" of symptoms feel more like working backwards from observable but likely unconnected events rather than something based on reality, which is exactly the kind of rationale that Rena was experiencing in the height of her own delusions

While I do think that Himinizawa is textually supposed to be an actual Thing, it makes more sense to me to view it as Takano's own false belief, made into a tangible reality because she believed in it enough to convince others of the same. We never see the "tragedy" that's supposed to happen after Rika's death, only that people acted because they believed it was coming. This-- the whole "a shared delusion becomes reality and thus fate itself" thing-- feels very thematically satisfying as a sort of final conflict for the series. Takano, the big bad villain, is stuck in a self fulfilling prophecy in a way, taking agency in such a way that she falls victim to her own actions. She believed so strongly in a "curse" that it became real, and ironically enough under her own definition, she is the one suffering from this "disease" she created the most

(Also Ryukishi loves tackling political issues so the idea that the local rural Japanese government of 1983 would misidentify and mistreat the mental illnesses of some teenagers isn't that out of left field to me)

[kylieswift31]

Lucky

Beginning to think it’s time to branch out from listening to just Taylor Swift because I just listened to ‘lucky’ by Halsey for the first time and I’ve never heard anything so incredibly validating.

I've been chronically ill for over six years now with ME/CFS and I had settled into a state of plateau where my symptoms were fairly manageable. Earlier this year with a few big live events outside of my control, I entered into my biggest relapse since 2021 and became bed bound again. Listening to Taylor Swift became my lifeline and the online community that came with that has helped ease some of the isolation that comes with being too unwell to leave the house.

Here's a glimpse into why Halsey's song 'lucky' has resonated with my experience with a chronic illness.

"I am so lucky"

Variants of this comment are so often thrown around by friends and family when they hear that I stay at home all day. It's something they would love to be able to do, but show no consideration for the chronic pain and fatigue I experience while staying home that takes up most of my day.

"Everybody, get in line to meet the girl who flew too high. Who does it all just to be liked by strangers that she met online."

I had my first big relapse during the Victorian lockdowns when everyone was home at the same time. This time around it feels like everyone's moved on and I'm stuck here all alone. When I felt completely isolated from the outside world I began watching the eras tour on grainy live streams, and then joining this online community and contributing my own thoughts became integral to feeling like I was a little less alone.

"Did it all to be included, my self-loathing so deep-rooted. Inner child that's unrecruited, truth is I'm not suited for it."

I spent years trying to push through the pain to attend events in an attempt to fit in, just to end up worse off and in more pain than ever. Having to choose between what's best for my physical health and mental health is an impossible decision. Being able to leave the house once a week was the most I could manage without overdoing it.

"When I die, I won't have time to spend my money. But I hope that you still love me."

Everyone has an opinion when you get sick. And then everyone has an opinion when you don't get better. They're also going to have an opinion when you die. It's hard to believe the positive opinions when the negative ones are so loud.

"'Cause I'm so lucky, I'm a star. But I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin' "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?""

The references to the early 2000's in this song add a layer of familiarity to the present day. I feel like I'm sitting on my bedroom floor listening to Britney Spears again and wondering what the future holds. Who will I be when I grow up? When the nostalgic memories begin to fade and the pain of the present day begins to seep back in.

"Why they come? Why they come? Why they come? Why they come?"

If you don't see how much pain I'm in, then why do I still feel it? If I'm in chronic pain and no one acknowledges it, then why does it hurt so much?

"And why she losing so much weight? I heard it's from the drugs she ate."

When pain and fatigue take over your life, just being able to eat is a feat in itself. All the "but have you tried..." comments don't take into account how little you have left to invest time, money and energy into the latest craze promising a (snake oil) cure.

"And I feel her, but I can't relate. 'Cause I'd never end up in that state."

When you get sick you go to the doctor and they make you better, right? It doesn't always work out that way, especially for women. Often just getting a diagnosis is a challenge. It's taken a lot of strength to acknowledge that I'm unlikely to recover. For the people in my life to acknowledge that too would require them recognising that the doctors don't have the answers for everything.

"A girl like that is a mother, must be tough. A problem child, I was rough."

Not being able to keep up with the typical activities other families participate in outside of school affects my ability to relate to the experiences of parenthood when I'm confronted with hearing about how much I'm missing out on. The gap between my lifestyle and theirs is too immense to feel anything other than jealousy right now.

"But what do you do with a difficult grownup?"

Ugh. Most of the time coping mechanisms are a necessity. I'm sure I don't have to remind you what the alternative is? It's incredibly invalidating when the majority of the judgemental comments I hear are a criticism of the small things I choose to do on my good days.

"When I die, I won't have time to spend my money. But I hope that you still love me."

At some point we need to take a step back and let other people make their own mistakes. On the worst days it feels like I'm one more bad day away from giving up. Having something positive to focus on (like the eras tour) gives me something to look forward to each week.

"'Cause I'm so lucky, I'm a star. But I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin' "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"

When you get sick and don't get better it feels like everyone's comparing your condition to the worst case scenario. Exclaiming that "at least it's not cancer!" and how you're so lucky because you're not going to die from it, while ignoring how the alternative path to death has alarmingly high rates within the community.

"I shaved my head four times because I wanted to, and then I did it one more time ‘cause i got sick."

I shaved my hair off a few years ago because I'd always wanted to try it, but I shaved it off again when I relapsed because I needed to. Last time I was bed bound I struggled to wash my hair. This time I was proactive and shaved it off so it was one less hurdle to deal with. Making choices like this proactively was empowering.

"And I thought I changed so much, nobody would notice it, and no one did."

Having to stay home and not leave the house at all has been a mammoth change for me, but to everyone else nothing has changed. When nobody sees me on my worst days, they assume my good days are the norm and not the exception.

"And I left the doctor’s office full of tears"

I stopped going to the doctors because I was crying in the car on the way home after every single appointment. After struggling to even get a diagnosis they say there's nothing else they can do to help, when they didn't do anything to help in the first place. Having a condition with no approved treatment doesn’t help. Slowly I managed on my own and made progress without the extra stress.

"Became a single mom at my premiere, and I told everybody I was fine for a whole damn year, and that’s the biggest lie of my career."

It feels like all I do is deflect questions about my life to avoid the negative comments and mask the pain. When I do try and share my experiences I'm met with pity or told to try harder. No wonder the challenges I face feel invisible.

"But I’m so lucky, I’m a star, and I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin’, if there’s nothin’ missin’ in my life, then why do these tears come at night."

What most people don't understand is that ME/CFS is ranked as having one of the lowest quality of life scores. Even the milder categories are incredibly debilitating. If I'm so lucky, why does it feel like the world has moved on without me and I'm left behind?

"I’m so lucky, I’m a star, but I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin’, if there’s nothin’ missin’ in my life, then why do these tears come at night."

Going to be listening to this song on repeat for a while. Art like this is integral to counter the negativity and make the hard days a little less invisible.

"She’s so lucky, she’s so lucky, she’s so lucky, she’s so, haven’t you heard."

Everyone has their own battles to face. You never know when you’re interacting with someone who’s trying to hold it together while hanging on by a thread.

To conclude I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the folklore long pond studio session x

"No one pats them on the back, but every day they are actively fighting something. But there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that. And so how often must someone who's in that sort of internal struggle must want to say to everyone in the room, you have no idea how close I am to going back to a dark place. Or you have no idea how hard it is to get to the point where you guys think is still shitty."

-Taylor Swift and Jack Antanoff

[bi-shop]

I wish the community acknowledge that Penny canonically has bipolar disorder. Like, it's not through word of god or implied, it's an actual detail.

I'll be going into full detail on why it matters. Legoland spoilers under the cut!

To make things clear, it's alright if you only learned about Legoland through its summary or heard it from other people, or you don't follow Legoland at all and have your own interpretation of Penny. I just want you to know that if you're going to write the Sad, Soggy Creature that is Legoland Penny Lamb, her having bipolar disorder should be taken into account.

It matters because I see Ezra's ADHD being acknowledged and accepted; which makes things a little bit iffy when I don't see the same acknowledgement for Penny's bipolar. When I see discussion of her being neurodivergent, I never saw anyone say that she's bipolar.

Now, I'm not accusing anyone of bipolar erasure. I don't blame you if you didn't know, or forgot! It's a small detail that's dropped in an almost 9k word book, and is never brought up again.

But that's why I'm making this post. Not only because that there's representation of a stigmatized disorder, but because it's important to understanding Penny as a character. It's the small bit of logic that helps tie the chaos of Legoland together. It contextualizes her actions and behavior.

I don't have bipolar, so I cannot judge the justification of the representation. What I can say though is that Penny's not depicted as erratic, violent troublemaker. She's a lonely, struggling high schooler that attracts the trouble, not cause them. Especially that she's only hostile when provoked. And the only time she actually harmed someone? She regretted it.

Which says a lot since this script was written around 2004-2006; not exactly a good time when it comes to mental health representation.

To set the foundation, let's talk a bit about bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows. There's several types of bipolar disorder but for brevity we'll elaborate on the first two types: Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

Bipolar I is characterized by manic and depressive episodes, and Bipolar II is characterized by hypomanic and depressive episodes.

What makes hypomania different from mania is that it's milder. It doesn't mean Bipolar II is the 'milder version of bipolar' across the board—since depressive episodes are commonly reported to be worse in II—it just means they don't get psychotic symptoms or be hospitalized.

Mania is bad. That's all I can say, it's just bad. Yes, you feel euphoric and on top of the world, but you'll be more impulsive, irritable, and have racing thoughts. There's a lot more to it, but generally, bipolar disorder is called a disorder for a reason.

So how does this apply to Penny? Well, she experiences mania, not hypomania, so I'm going to say that she experiences Bipolar I.

In fact, I could go ahead and say that the entire Johnny Moon thing was a manic episode in and of itself. Even before the JK-47 trip, Penny experienced mania after finding out about SevenUp.

So let's go through the symptoms one by one:

Decreased need for sleep

The last one is included, not just because she couldn't sleep when she needed to take a nap, but because they really went on the trip for 7 days, which is what manic episodes at least take.

Elevated or expansive mood

Penny experiences the euphoric feeling that is common in mania, having heightened energy and being intensely excited. Especially that she would come out of a depressive episode before ramming into a manic one.

Let's also not forget that she wrote a letter to Johnny 3,567 times.

Irritability, hostility, or aggression

I don't know what happened here either.

Impulsive risk behaviors

Dropped everything to go to another country just to talk to someone.

It's worth to mention that she did drug trafficking, which was what sent her to probation.

Talking excessively

This entire monologue showcases other symptoms of mania, like racing thoughts (she went through six different topics after mentioning Uranium), pressured speech (she talked fast), and being easily distracted (Penny darling I'm sorry but your speech was not coherent in the slightest)

The symptoms Grandiosity and Delusions are up in the air, mostly cause I'm not sure if the only example I have for the two counts. I think it's delusional to try to change a celebrity by talking to them, and calling herself Johnny's 'greatest fan', but that's it. I'm sure Penny experiences those two to a degree.

Alright, Penny experiences mania. So let's go to the other side of the spectrum; does she experience depressive episodes?

While there's not a lot of explicit information, there are stuff that alludes to her experiencing depressive episodes. She said she felt 'half-dead' for a year after receiving Johnny's letter, which screams 'depression' to me.

Also there's this entire block.

It's important to note that she was taking Paxil, which has potential negative side-effects for people with bipolar including increased suicidality in teens. Not the best medication for her disorder. (It does take trial and error for people with bipolar to find the correct medication.)

It's wonderful because Penny's episodes are actually episodes, it's not the terrible inaccurate depiction of bipolar as being just 'mood swings'. She goes through a manic and depressive episode for more than a day.

Besides, her mania isn't just 'happy' or just having high energy. It changes her judgement, activity and everything, which is important to represent in characters with bipolar disorder as people will have this simplified notion of thinking bipolar is just 'feeling happy then sad then happy again'.

So, our darling canonically has bipolar disorder that is kind of a bit glossed over in the community and is never brought up. So, what's next?

Well, I want to see people making Penny both bipolar and autistic. I want to see stories or headcanons of the choir trying to help with her manic or depressive episodes. I want to see a story of Jane following along with the intoxicating feeling of manic euphoria before finding out that she's feeling more irritable and overwhelmed. I want to see her get therapy and correct medication, goddamnit.

Other than how it's a goldmine of unexplored fancontent that should be dug up, it's also representation for a stigmatized disorder.