#how can people dare to call our relationship abusive when they didn't see the times he would love me?

[full-cowlings]

does it truly still count as abuse , even if the love was truly there at some point of our relationship ?

or is it just a sick and twisted version of what people call love , because of how i 'd go through all of it again just to have him back ? ᰔ

[lutawolf]

Never Let Me Go D/s breakdowns Ep 6

We see a very confident Palm. He's watching everybody and everything, while making sure to be a backbone for Nueng. Palm tells Nueng that he can lean on him, but Nueng is pissed. We see it in that jerk of putting his seat down. Honestly, don't blame him. That's why you don't see Palm happy when Nueng does lean on him. Palm knows he wouldn't be if he were awake and aware.

Nobody thought about the sea sickness. Lawd really. At least he knows how to rub a back and hand over water. Palm's daddy apparently wasn't all prepared.

Palm's mom, goodness. What's my opinion on the mom? I don't know. I don't have enough information to judge. As a parent, there is nothing on this earth short of death that would separate me from my kids. They are the loves of my life. That said, I don't know the situation. Some people aren't made to be parents or want to be parents. Maybe she was pressured by both her parents and Palm's dad to have a kid that she hadn't planned on. She gave birth, realized she was a shitty parent and walked rather than do him harm. I'd rather someone walk then give out abuse. Like Palm's dad does. She stayed in contact with Palm's dad, so it wasn't just like she went, fuck you all. There is more to this. I refuse to judge when I don't know the situation.

We're seeing a more confident Palm. Not a Dom, but more confident for sure. Trying to reassure Nueng. "Will you tell your mom about our relationship?" And quick as a whip, Palm replies, "What is our relationship?" 🤣🤣🤣 "Will you tell your mom that you are working for my family?" Not the response Palm wanted. "I don’t think that is necessary. We can act like we are friends when we are with her." "It’s up to you. You are the one who always has plans." Ohh, that was sarcasm if I ever heard it, lol.

The boyfriends are so fucking cute!! Love it! Notice that Palm doesn't mind being called a fool at all. "Turn around and talk to me." What does Palm do? Does he tell his ass to go to be? Nope. He immediately turns around without question. "Why did you kiss me?" "I saw that you were feeling sad. I wanted to make you feel better." Fuck Palm, did you really tell him the kiss was part of your job. "You kissed me because it was a part of your job." Damn, that would be painful to think. "Next time, if you want to make me feel better, you don’t have to go that far. You can just act funny or play a joke. You don’t need to kiss me. A kiss is a special thing. It’s meaningful." Fair. Palm over here like, trust me, it was meaningful.

Palm is giving me, I'm going to go fast on this bike, so you have to hold me vibes. It's that devilish smile of his. Oh wow, he didn't. Aww, Nueng bought him the toy. Oh, shit! Don't eat the spicy food. I love spicy food, but hell no to that spicy food.

Palm adored Noey feeding him. Then getting commanded to tell Tam. Which Palm immediately did. So cute. I relate to eating spicy food so much. I love it, but it kills me. Crawfish all day, but man do my lips and hand pay for it.

Lady, you got no right being nosy. Mind ya business. "To repay the gratitude, how could he put the life of his only son in danger?" She is not wrong, though. I think at this point, every adult in the building is not fond of Pond's dad.

This moment is so fucking cute. OMG. You killing me softly with those adorable smiles. Also, I'm trying to use less slang when writing and yo it's so fucking tough. Like in comfort writing, I slang like I'm talking to family. I found that some of you don't understand me, though. My bad.

"He is asking for praise, you guys. That is a subby sub all the way. I try to be liberal with my praising, but you bet your ass if a sub is comfortable with you, they'll ask for more. But Nueng doesn't give it to him. I love it! We're getting some brat vibes from Palm. Loving that as well. "Just having me here with you, I think it is special enough. Mr. Nuengdiao Kiattrakulmaytee, the great, you are so hard to please." "Are you done talking? How dare you tease me? I’ll push you off the cliff." "Okay, Young Master."

All the hand holding! So cute! Until he doesn't take his hand. Palm doesn't get it. He isn't understanding that Nueng doesn't want to be a job.

"I will protect and take good care of it." "Then who is allowed to come here?" "Someone I want to spend time in this beautiful place with. I want this place to be like the bridge of magpies that brought the cowherd and the weaver girl back together. Although they could meet only once a year, Their love made this place a very special place." "You are quite a romantic person." "There is much more of me that you’ve never seen. I only show you what I want you to see." "What you chose to show me is your good side, isn’t it? Because that is the only side of you that I see"

Lots of foreshadowing again. Then some lying by Palm and then Palm being a dumbass and once again telling Nueng it's for the job.

I just… I can't even.

[riddlecrux]

What is past is present: Azriel and Elain, Helion and Lady of Autumn Court

This post is going to be a long one. I will be talking about parallels between Helion - Lady of Autumn Court - Beron and Azriel - Elain - Lucien situation. How their relationships mirror each other, how the blood duel mentioned in ACOSF and ACOWAR will come to an end, but also how the first triangle was used as a plot device in ACOWAR. I believe it is not a coincidence that SJM decided to put these scenes and histories in the same book with such a short span of time passing between things happening on the pages of their story. I would like to say that this post is a pro Elriel meta, so if they are not your cup of tea please scroll past this. Many thanks to Gardening Tools, especially @silverlinedeyes !

We are going to start with the Lady of Autumn Court and the scene at the High Lord’s council. She is there with her husband, Beron and as the conversation surrounding Hybern increases in intensity, we are presented with a bit of background information about the Lady.

Lady of the Autumn Court had 2 sisters that died during Hybern's soldiers' attack. We got to see another family of three sisters, two of them dying for their sister. What's even more important is a mention of Hybern's war camps and how it's very unlikely for anyone to survive their time there.

Here Beron taunts Kallias by telling his mate that Hybern and his people probably torture and abuse women before killing them. (Please be sure to remember that because we're going to go back to this notion later in this post.)

Another big insight about Lady's life and this particular accident comes from no one else but Helion.

Few things that are very important to mention: - she had already given birth to a few of her children - Hybern directly attacked the estate they were in - her sisters let her run away because they loved her - she tried to fight and stay with them till they convinced her to run - the beasts sent by Hybern tailed her and finally cornered her in a trap

What Feyre says in this particular scene - about Helion knowing too many details holds great importance for the further quotes. We also get to know that, in fact, it was Helion who rescued the Lady - not only saved but found her. The setup, the build-up and the fact that it wasn't her "husband" that came for her are the main things I wish to bring attention to, as we are going to analyze different scenes from the same book with this knowledge.

He could have ended it differently, yet he didn't. Why? The question seems to be imprinted in Feyre's mind as she tries to connect the dots and points she was given, just like us readers. I do believe that what we are being presented with is the notion of the mating bond. Helion's rage at Lady's attack projects typical mate behavior - such as unnecessary violence against the ones who dared to hurt their mate. It also goes with the information of him finding her - how was that possible? Her husband wasn't there, it was Helion who essentially knew that something was wrong. How? Well, by applying the mating bond in this picture we can easily deduct few things: Helion probably felt her distraught through the bond, was able to locate her and save her.

Another insight given by Helion is about Lady's relationship with Beron. Not only it gives us information about her young age (cue to Rhysand's mother and how her young age was also brought up as something very disturbing and not in favour of some mating bonds), but also we get to know that her marriage was arranged. Just like the reader, Feyre is left with these very personal insights and detailed descriptions - so she presses Helion more, to speak, to see if her suspicions are correct.

Another person jumps into the conversation and it is Mor who hands the information of a possible romance between Lady and Helion. We learn that both of them met at an equinox ball before she was proposed with an arranged marriage with Beron. Feyre's curiosity is evident in the way she perks up at Mor's words. Helion on the other hand counter-attacks and provides us with the political background of the story. The Lady was basically left without a choice when it came to her love life.

Helion saved Beron's wife during the war. And Beron didn't know and still doesn't have an idea that it was Helion who saved the Lady.

Feyre tries to fish for more information - and Helion seems to be very reluctant to answer her question about his relationship with the Lady. It makes us think that, in fact, their relationship was somehow forbidden, being kept in secret. Moreover, what's even more interesting is the fact that we suddenly have a shift of focus on another person - Azriel. We are deliberately made aware of the fact that Azriel is listening to this important conversation.

We are starting to see Helion becoming slightly less humorous - Feyre can spot the difference between his usual self and the way he delivers his question. It suggests that the relationship and potential mating bond is a very touchy subject for him.

Their forbidden relationship went on for decades. They were secret lovers till Beron found about them. We see that contrast between the Lady with Helion - all brightness and smiles, Lady with Beron - withdrawn, timid, scared.

I clenched my teeth. “If you were her lover, why didn’t you stop it?” The wrong thing to say. Utterly wrong, by the dark fury that rippled across Helion’s face. “Beron is a High Lord, and she is his wife, mother of his brood. She chose to stay. Chose. And with the protocols and rules, Lady, you will find that most situations like the one you were in do not end well for those who interfere.”

Helion reacts with anger at Feyre's inquiry about his lack of participation in the case of the Lady's wellbeing. "Dark fury rippling across Helion's face" is also an interesting word choice. Again we are reminded that their romance was meant to end that way due to the notions of choice and politics.

“Beron never called you out for it?” “To publicly do so would be to admit that his possession made a fool of him. So we continue our little dance, these centuries later.” I somehow doubted that beneath that roguish charm and irreverence, Helion felt it was a dance at all.

Helion reminds us about politics that bind different Courts - in this case, we can easily see that the matter of choice in this example ends with Lady choosing duty over love. It also supplies us with an idea that if Helion would have wanted to fight for Lady he would need to participate in a blood duel. Yet, the Lady chose Beron - we don't know why Helion probably was left alone with the same question. However, by analyzing this situation I believe that Lady knew about the possibility of a blood duel happening she didn't want her potential mate to be hurt. So, in the end, she opted for a life in a loveless marriage with Beron. Furthermore, we have Rhysand and Feyre coming to the conclusion that Lucien is Helion's son - and he is the fruit of the loving relationship between Helion and the Lady.

What does this mean, though? Nothing—ultimately nothing. Other than the fact that Lucien might be Helion’s sole heir. And that … it changed nothing in this war. Especially not with Lucien on the continent, hunting that enchanted queen. A bird of flame … and a lord of fire. I wondered if they’d found each other yet.

The usage of the word "this war" is not a coincidence, as well as Rhysand's poor prediction of the future. Because as we know, right now - it changes a lot. Elain being his mate bounds him to the Night Court, so losing that relationship puts the Court at risk. Especially now, when Lucien doesn't know that Helion is his father. Another very important addition is the part about Lucien and Vassa. Feyre has prophetic tendencies and her thoughts about both Vassa and Lucien always focus on their... relationship. Not to mention that it was brought up after that whole conversation with Helion. With all these things above, I would like to move on to Elriel parallels. Starting with the Cauldron kidnapping Elain. Please bear in mind that this scene happens after the meeting with Helion, after learning about the story of Lady's and Helion's romance.

But Azriel asked softly, “What about Elain?”

The one who noticed that Elain was absent was Azriel, we can speculate whatever it was his intuition, his shadows, or perhaps some kind of feeling that made him aware of her absence. Yet, it's not a coincidence that another male character, the one who doesn't have an official mate is the only one who either felt/realized that she was taken. That's the first parallel I would love to bring to your attention - Helion was the one who found and rescued the Lady. Now, the situation is almost identical - Hybern attacks via Cauldron takes Elain to the war camps.

And what Hybern would do to Elain, might already be doing— From the shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, “I’m getting her back.” Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel’s hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows. Nesta said, “Then you will die.” Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, “I’m getting her back.”

Azriel reacts with rage, a silent debate raging within him. He is battling something deep inside him, which is obstructed from the reader's point of view. I wonder why? He is the one who swears to find her and rescue her. Also, worth mentioning how Feyre seems to realize the graveness of the situation - as if she can remember the conversation she had with Helion about what happened with sisters of the Lady of Autumn Court. War camps. Nobody would walk away from them alive.

We looked to Rhys, to Cassian and Nesta, to Mor—right as she appeared, breathless, between the tent flaps. Her eyes went to me, then the shadowsinger, and flared with shock and fear—

In this scene we also have Mor. Mor was present during Helion's conversation and gave input about their love and forbidden relationship. Mor that possess the power of Truth. Is it possible that Mor knew about the mating bond between Helion and the Lady? Is it possible that Mor knows about the truth of the mating bond between Lucien and Elain? Does Mor know about the potential mating bond between Azriel and Elain? There are so many questions and we don't get an answer. Mor keeps secrets, which is understandable yet it provides a whole new aspect of Mor being the one who realizes what's happening. (Not to mention that Mor is always present when Elain is with Lucien, assessing them.)

Screaming. A shadow gripped my shoulder, reminding me not to run. Ianthe would not run—would not show alarm. My mouth went dry as that scream sounded again. I couldn’t bear it—to let it go on, to see what was being done— Azriel’s shadow-hand grasped my own, tugging me closer. His rage rippled off his invisible form.

It is Azriel who reacts once again with - rage. At the thought of Elain being tortured, abused, or being killed. Feyre can't stomach the idea of what is happening to her sister in this war camp.

I could feel Jurian’s smile against my ear. “She’s in his tent. Chained with steel and a little spell from his favorite book.” Shit. Shit. Perhaps I should have gotten Helion, who could break almost any—

The mention of Helion is such a beautiful parallel. We, as readers, are amidst a rescue mission. A situation that was very similarly described few chapters before, a situation in which it was Helion in Azriel's shoes. In the past it was - Helion and Lady, here in the "future" we have - Azriel and Elain. The same circumstances - Hybern attack/Hybern powers, three sisters, and the only one is targeted, a savior that isn't husband/mate finding and rescuing the girl.

Azriel gently removed the gag from her mouth. “Are you hurt?” She shook her head, devouring the sight of him as if not quite believing it. “You came for me.” The shadowsinger only inclined his head.

I could write a whole meta about this quote because it's ridden with such enormous parallels and foreshadowing. Let's start with the simplest one, which is the word "devour". It has very strong connections to physicality, it basically means that Elain greedily took him in, he was her focal point at that moment. Also, the following addition of her not quite believing that, in fact, it is Azriel who arrived before her - she hadn't expected him to rescue her and you may be wondering why? It all beautifully goes with the idea of two mates/true mates theories - what is making me say this with so much certainty? Well, first of all, ACOWAR is full of descriptions of how a healthy mating bond works, for example, Feysand one. It's a bridge connecting two souls through which our emotions, thoughts can be perceived for the other person.

Find me, find me, find me, I tried shouting down that bond. But my mate’s wry voice didn’t answer. There was only the roaring void.

This happens at the begging of ACOWAR when Feyre tries to communicate with Rhysand through their mating bond. I find it very interesting that throughout the whole book the trope of "finding your true love, significant other" is very persistent. This brings me back to the theory that both Azriel and Helion heard their mates' cries of help and that's how they were able to rescue them and find them. In addition to that Elain's "you came for me" is striking so many questions. What does she mean? Why is she so docile and peaceful? As if she somehow had an idea that someone will come for her - did she perhaps inwardly call through the mating bond? This, again, brings us to another parallel - Beron doesn't know that it was Helion who rescued the Lady. Lucien doesn't know that it was Azriel who saved Elain - which, we really don't know if he even felt/knew that something has happened.

The hounds closed in, two breaking away—to cut to the side. To herd us. For that was a cliff at the other edge of the camp. A cliff with a very, very long drop, and unforgiving river below.

I'm bringing this up because the setting is oddly familiar with the run of Lady of Autumn's one. The isolated place, a trap etc.

Azriel’s roar echoed off the rocks as the hound slammed into him, dragging those shredding talons down his spine, his wings— The girl screamed, but Elain moved. As Azriel battled to keep them airborne, keep his grip on them, my sister sent a fierce kick into the beast’s face. Its eye. Another. Another. It bellowed, and Elain slammed her bare, muddy foot into its face again. The blow struck home. With a yelp of pain, it released its claws—and plunged into the ravine.

Parallel on parallel. We have Hybern's beasts, we have a similar setting again and fight. What is different, however, is that in Helion's case it was solely him that destroyed beasts while rescuing the Lady. Here, however, it is Elain that fights against beasts - she who had never trained, she who is a gardener is fighting against evil. She is kicking as the beasts hurt Azriel. She took the initiative and killed the beast at that moment when they previously hurt Azriel. Also, the most beautiful comparison in my opinion is the fact that after Elain knocks the beast it falls down the ravine, dying. It is somehow very symbolic that Elain kills the beast that falls into the ravine, whereas Lady of Autumn is stuck in the ravine as beasts approach her and it is the moment when Helion saves her.

The gray light of morning had broken over the world, mist clinging to our ankles as we headed into that camp, Azriel still cradling Elain to his chest. He dripped blood behind him the entire time—a trickle compared to the torrent that should be leaking out.

After that intense battle, they arrive in the safety, but Azriel still holds on Elain even if he himself is bleeding all over the place.

Rhys lunged for Azriel, taking Elain from him and gently setting my sister down. Azriel rasped, swaying on his feet, “We need Helion to get these chains off her.” Yet Elain didn’t seem to notice them as she rose up on her toes and kissed the shadowsinger’s cheek.

Another mention of Helion in that very parallel setting. He was very present during the rescue mission, which is a neat way of showering the audience with foreshadowing. If I wanted to indulge even more in the symbolism of this scene, I would point out that the chains on Elain are very symbolic as well. They could either mean the restrain of her powers, but also the chains of the "lack of freedom", "lack of choice". Being freed by both Azriel and Helion is something that I believe is very important to remember while waiting for the next book. Because even if Elain is a mirror to Lady - Elain will change the course of her story. Elain is going to choose love over duty, she will choose Azriel - which ends with them discovering that, in fact, the bond was there from the beginning. Helion getting rid of those chains is also a metaphor for what is to come. He will break Lady's chains by fighting with Beron during the blood duel. In this timeline, Azriel and Elain are symbolism of healthy love, mating bond, freedom of choice. Lucien doesn't mirror Beron, because he himself doesn't want to be with Elain since both of them don't feel comfortable with each other, they are making each other miserable. Not to mention the fact that their mating bond is... very weak and through the ACOWAR and ACOSF we see that it is different from the true mating bonds that are present in the universe. Azriel-Elain-Lucien triangle will break the past wheel of unhappiness and forced love, changing it by their own rules of free choice. As for Helion-Lady-Beron love story, if I may be so bold, the blood duel is going to happen and Beron will die - freeing Lady and Helion from him and politics that kept them away. If you are still not sure if these two situations are foreshadowing I would love to put this quote as the ending of this very long meta.

Azriel shrugged. “We—Rhys, Cass, and I—will occasionally remind each other that what we think to be our greatest weakness can sometimes be our biggest strength. And that the most unlikely person can alter the course of history.”

And as you can guess, that very unlikely person who altered the course of history in ACOWAR was Elain when she killed King of Hybern.

[obislittleone]

Intelligent Insanity

6/?

Jerome Valeska x Reader

Okay enjoy this i figured I'd start moving things along.

Series Summary: Two lives can start very differently, but it's never the beginning that makes the story. It's the the journey the lives take that eventually bring them down the same path.

Chapter Warnings: kissing, angst in the beginning ig but not rlly

Cold was the night when I got woken up by the loud banging on my door.

I shot from the bed and shook from head to toe, unsure of what could possibly be causing this havoc. Whatever it was that came banging on the door had moved on to someone else in the hallway now, but I was still troubled. I could not simply go back to sleep, frightened of what may be going on.

I waited quite a while, curled into myself, to see if there would be an explanation for the dreadful scare. There was. A guard came and told everyone to go back to sleep, for there was a slight security breach with one if the inmates, but he had been contained.

I still had a hard time sleeping after that, which was no surprise. I was in need of certain comfort, lest I start spelling my rapid thoughts with haste. I climbed under my bed, listening for a moment to make sure no unwanted footsteps were lurking outside my cell before I flipped open the hatch of the tunnel, climbing down in like I normally did.

The past few months, I'd been sneaking into Jerome's room. He and I didn't quite know what to call ourselves, for a regular label on our relationship seems quite nonsensical. We were sure we were together, but under the eyes of such scrutiny during the day time, we weren't even sure those kind of label's were allowed.

We put on a fairly convincing show of friendship during the day, but after dark, when the inmates were sent to their rooms for the night... that's when the sweet luxuries of being with someone as crazy as you were came to light. We were sure to be quiet, refusing to make enough noise to get caught... but when his lips were attached to mine, with his hands roaming my body, I could make no promises to anyone.

He made me feel a certain type of way, and without thinking, I could pinpoint that exact feeling. It was purely love... it had to be. After every year of my life being so miserable, without a shred of happiness to warrant an hour, I'd been given a gift. The gift came in the form of a boy, who like me, was tortured by someone who was supposed to care for him.

Two tortured peas in a pod.

We fit together so perfectly it almost seemed impossible. We were each other's strengths and weaknesses simultaneously. We could bring out the best in each other, and sometimes the worst. The worst was never particularly directed toward one another, but rather anyone who dared to mess around, or try to hurt one of us.

I've never been one to throw around the word love, infact, I'm not even sure I've ever used it before.... unless I was reading Shakespeare aloud to my historical literature class in 11th grade.

I wanted to tell him, for I knew the reciprocation would be there, I just needed to muster the strength to do it. If I could tell him how much I utterly adored him with every fiber of my being, there wouldn't really be anything else for me to accomplish, besides keeping on at giving him everything I had to give.

He made me a better person, and I liked to believe I could do the same for him.

What everyone saw in us as 'crazy' was really just pure brilliance that had no control over how to unleash intself. We were the people that could change things, but our ideals were different then what was told to the people they should see as 'good' or 'just'.

Someday we would get out of this hellhole, and when we did, we would reak havoc in all the best ways possible. We would be the ones to bring a change to whatever this lousy excuse for a city was. We would make the hard decisions so that people like us would never have to endour what we did. By simply eliminating the abuser, our abuse had stopped... what was so wrong with that? Surely they were the idiots for seeing us as the criminals in those situations.

Crawling through the tunnels now, all the thoughts I'd had today were playing in my head, and I tried to construct them into words I could actually use.

When I counted the last number of cell blocks I knew I had been sitting right beneath Jerome's. I lifted the latch and climbed out before rolling out from under his own bed. I heard soft snores, and sighed. I didn't want to wake him up.

I didn't come all this way in the middle of the night to just sit here then leave, so I carefully and quickly lifted the blanket, slipping into the bed next to him, only to hear the small snoring cease.

"Did they wake you up?" He whispered, pulling me close to him and nuzzling his face into my back between my shoulder blades.

"Yeah.... I was just a little scared is all." I felt the need to justify my reason in coming here, but he never needed one.

"It's okay.... you know, you are capable of much scarier things. Just remember that whenever you're scared." I felt him place a wonderfully soft kiss right onto the back of my neck, before he settled back into my shoulders to sleep.

"J?" I whispered intently, hoping he hadn't quite fallen asleep yet.

"Mhm..."

It made my heart race before I even uttered the words. This was scary, too..... but I was capable of much scarier things.

"I love you..."

A breath of relief wahsed over me, but then the dragging silence had me worried. Had I read too far into things? I didn't think I did, because everytime he-

"I love you too, my angel." He turned me to face him, kissing my lips once before we fell asleep wrapped around each other.

I'd have to leave before the sun had fully risen, but that fact didn't bother me right now. I'd confessed, and he reciprocated, just like I knew he would.

Once we got out of this place, the world would be ours for the taking. We were too powerful together to be stopped by trivial things in our way.

Tags are open!!

@gabile18

[aizenat]

why are you acting like only white women oppress black men. THEY DO 100% but it is not gender specific. i can find you at least 10 videos off the top of my head of white men following black men into their apartment building because they don't believe they live there, accusing random black men of being shoplifters/burglars, etc. not to mention white MEN falsely accusing black men of raping/abusing their daughters because they cant accept their daughter's interracial relationship. it's all whites

I want to know exactly where I said that "ONLY white women oppress Black men." Show it to me. You can't because I never said that. If you're this stupid that you can't interact with ideas and concepts without putting words in people's mouths and arguing points they didn't make (that's called a strawman fallacy idiot; do better), then you need to go read some books instead of trying to have these conversations. It's obvious this is going waaaaaaaay over your head.

I'm going to say this a billion times but if you were not in certain tumblr circles back in 2010-2012 where these concepts started to form, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Period. I'm so sick of you idiots criticizing things you literally weren't THERE for. I'm sick of y'all taking words and concepts you didn't see the original context for and bastardizing it for. 

So from someone who WAS there, was heavily involved in these conversations, and was a mod on a site where we heavily discussed racism in the media (and, as a result, how it reflects racism irl), lemme take your ass to college.

The reason we coined "white women tears" was a DIRECT RESPONSE to white feminists on tumblr who REFUSED to own up to their complacency in racism. They believed whole heartedly that they are never perpetrators of racism, never historically oppressed us (a common sound bite from them was that women couldn't legally own enslaved Black people despite them still utilizing their labor, and despite the many who did own them, especially at brothels and such), and that due to how they were oppressed by their gender it meant that they could not oppress Black men specifically.

This is obviously not true, and every time we tried to call them out on this, know what they would do? Start crying about how we were being so mean. They would call us angry, unhinged, and go on about how impossible it was to work with us. And it was mostly us Black women calling them out because it was mostly us Black WOMEN they were doing that shit to. Making us the angry Black women attacking the poor, sweet, innocent white women. 

They didn’t have respect for us, especially intellectually, and your very ask questioning how I *DARE* call white women out on their racism when there's the bigger beast of white men literally exhibits that same attitude. As though I am just too stupid and distracted by my nigger brain to see the "real" problem.

As women, ALL WOMEN, our lives our intertwined with the men who oppress us. We marry them (not me; dyke privilege, but y'all straight girls do), we birth them, they are our fathers and brothers and uncles and cousins. They are everywhere we are, and the same way that Black women feel so much sympathy for our men that we tolerate their gross misogyny in order to march and fight for THEIR liberation (ie, how Black women are ALWAYS at the front of racial movements that benefit Black men more than they benefit us), it's completely asinine for white women to pretend they don't have those same feelings and racial connections to white men.

And yet they do. And when Black people, specifically Black women, try to call this out, they cry about how we're attacking them and mean. How DARE we call them racist? How dare we not excuse it because, hello, white men are the REAL problem! Y'all hoes are OUR problem too! Check yourself!

Also, the white women tears thing was also used heavily to discuss the interaction between white women and Black women more than white women and Black men. I'll admit that it's easier to turn to instances of how white women use it against Black men like with Emmett Till; however, most of the conversations were how white women use it against Black women. How we're sisters and allies until we say something y'all don't like. The same way that you will villainize me for this response and cry your white women tears because I refuse to let you off the hook for how you in MY inbox trying to villainize a Black woman and tell her (me) about our experiences. 

Where’s the female solidarity there, sis? 

This ask also shows that you didn't read Crenshaw's essay on intersectionality. If y’all want us involved in your feminism (radical, liberal, or otherwise) you gotta check your racism. And if you're going to throw a hissy fit every time we tell you that, as you are LITERALLY doing in this ask (wtf lol), then you're NEVER going to have Black women as allies. Plain and simple.

Also, white women tears was a tongue-in-cheek throwaway line. It was never supposed to be treated with the reverence and seriously of an actual sociological term like intersectionality or something. It was us just insulting the annoying white women in our asks with bs like this crying. The fact that WHITES took it and then started to use it to attack white women in the context outside of why we were saying it isn’t our faults. Whites stay in our mouths, and what y’all do with terms after y’all steal them from us is on you. My original point was don’t blame us, Black women/ppl, for coming up with the term because some idiots are using it in bad faith. If y’all stayed in your own lanes and kept our words out your mouths, none of that would be happening lol. 

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

Kiss away the insecurities and pain

George x Reader

Requested? No, I just had this idea for a hot minute and needed some George fluff too

Summary - After Draco speaks down on your size, your head is full of the insecurities and your heart is full of the pain.

Trigger Warning - Plus size reader bullying, family abuse,

Your tears slipped down your face, sniffles leaving your lips softly. You were quite used to tears caused by Draco Malfoy, seeing as the pure blood considered you quite a disgrace. Your heart hurt at the thought of people seeing you like he said, especially your boyfriend, George.

You were bigger than most students at Hogwarts, your hips were what muggles called, child birthing hips, your thighs containing more stretch marks than you could count, let alone with both hands, and your tummy was quite the pillow for anyone you trusted to let rest their head on it.

For the most part, that spot was reserved for your amazing boyfriend, George, but you occasionally let your friends cuddle up with you, seeing as how they all commended you on your snuggling skills.

But, Malfoy had just cornered you, Crabbe and Goyle on each side, insulting you about as bad as your entire family did each time the school year ended and you were taken back to their grasps.

"As wide as an elephant." He laughed, looking back at Goyle. "Thighs bigger than the heads of our entire class." He perked in, satisfying the blonde. "I bet it takes three wands to lift her up in the air."

The words bounced in your head, shaking you to your core. The loudest of them all, being what Draco called out as you rushed out of the hallways, "Weasley's probably laughing at her every time she's gone. I bet Lee and Fred dared him to see how long he could last." The sharp words dug holes into your head, insecurities filling up every gap. There were many spaces filled to the brim with insecurities due to your family, but these were the first real ones you had with your relationship.

You had always been precautions with getting into any relationship, especially a romantic one. But George always reassured you that he was in this with you because of your personality, not because of your looks, but either way, he thought you were absolutely stunning. He loved your size, loved the idea of their being more of you to love. To kiss every inch of your skin, to love every ounce of your skin.

But, you hadn't ever considered this to be a dare. You knew Fred and George dared each other to do quite a bit of crazy things, but would they ever play with someone's feelings like this? They wouldn't do that to someone, would they?

No.

No they wouldn't, what were you thinking?

Well...George only really ever dated skinny people before you. People who felt confident in wearing crop tops on warmer days, girls who's thighs together were the size of one of your own. George never dated anyone bigger before you...

That doesn't mean he's playing with me, or was dared to date me, no way.

Tears fell from your cheeks, the inner turmoil digging the insecurities further into your skull.

You weren't sure what time it was when your roommates walked into your room, but each of them had questions for you.

"Where were you? Where have you been?" Their voices were right out of your closed curtains. You kept your eyes shut, hoping they would consider you asleep. After a few more moments, they walked off, although you weren't sure if it was due to them believing you were sleeping, or just annoyed from your silence.

The next morning came, and you still stayed still in bed. You heard your friends come close to your bed, but walk off, moving down stairs to bed. Once you confirmed it was just yourself, you peeled off of your bed and slipped on some of your muggle sweatpants and a bigger sweater, one you purposely bought to be bigger so it could surround you. You silently moved out of your common room, down the hallways, and into the medical wing. Maybe you could convince Madam Pomfrey you were under the weather and give you an excuse to stay in bed.

She took one look at your face, sighed softly, and moved to hug you tightly. Your cheeks still red and puffy from all the tears shed, your eyelashes still damp from the way you fell asleep. Before you said a word, she guided you to a bed and handed you a mug. "It's hot cocoa. You can't stay for longer than today, but I'll tell your professors you're suck and staying in here with me." You were incredibly grateful for the woman, taking a sip of the warm liquid before curling into a ball on the bed.

You hoped George wouldn't hear anything of your recent wearabouts, but you knew your professors would question him about your illness, all of them knowing about your relationship status with the red head.

The hours ticked along, Pomfrey bringing you food, but for the most part, it sat on your bedside table, untouched. Right as you began to drift off to sleep once more, the doors slammed open, causing a bang to vibrate through the colder area. "Mr. Weasley's! What in earth are you doing?" Pomfrey immediately began scolding the two boys, glaring at them.

While you expected George, you still expected Fred, seeing as you had been best friends with them long before you and George began to date. You got them out of punishment your second year and they decided to keep you around. Fred had comforted you after small fights with George, laughed with you while his twin was stuck in the library, trying to understand a lesson he missed, or sat with you at dinner when George had his own detention.

"Madam Pomfrey, where is she? I haven't seen her in two days!" The voice of your boyfriend spoke to the older woman, trying to glance behind her to find your bed. "Mr. Weasley's, she can't have visitors right now, I'm sorry." She began to push them out, closing the doors behind them.

"She has to! I need to see her, we both do! Is she okay? What's wrong with her?" The two were finishing each other's sentences, trying to communicate to the older woman how badly they needed to see you. She glanced back at you, watching as you shook your head no quite quickly. Raising an eyebrow, she opened the doors once more, letting the two in. "Madam Pomfrey!" You groaned, turning over to your other side quickly.

This woman.

You heard their footsteps rush to your bed quickly, finding your covered bed quite quickly, seeing as you were the only one in here. "Your eyes squeezed shut, attempting to keep the tears from slipping from them once more, hoping they would believe you were asleep, even though you were talking moments ago.

"Hey love." George sat right on your bed, Fred taking the seat behind you. "How you feeling?" He asked softly, running his fingers through your hair softly. After a minute of unresponsiveness from you, he sighed softly. "We know you're awake." Fred's voice spoke this time, moving to stand, looking down at you.

You sighed, turning to look up at the two red heads, praying to whatever God was there that your face had calmed down from your last crying fit. But, alas, you were left to curse whoever was out there, seeing both of their faces scrunch up in confusion. "Are you okay love? Are you in pain? I thought Pomfrey would have given you something for pain." George mumbled, looking up to glare at the office, knowing she was in there.

"George, there isn't anything she can give me for this." You mumbled, looking away from them both.

"What on earth are you talking about? I thought the woman had a potion for everything." Fred said, moving to turn around to speak to the healer himself. You quickly grasped onto his wrist, keeping him still.

"I'm not sick, Fred. It was just Malfoy." You whispered, biting your lip at the admission. "What did the git do? Owl Lee, tell him to start grabbing some puking pasties." George spoke to his twin, hate already filling his eyes. "Love, it's nothing I haven't heard before." Your voice grew softer somehow, your heart hurting.

Both Fred and George knew about the abuse from your family, having comforted you many times as you sobbed into their chests. They both wished they could hex every person that spoke to you like that. George's arms quickly wrapped around your frame, pulling you to him, leaving space for Fred to sit on the bed himself. "What did he say?" Fred asked softly, hate filling his entire being.

"Just, normal stuff." You whispered, but felt George gruff at that. "No, what did he say, my love." George hating having to push this stuff from you, but also knew if you didn't speak it out, it would stay in your head for yourself to hear, over and over again.

"He, uh, he said I was the size of an elephant, that my thighs were bigger than everyone's heads in our class combined, that it takes" tears filled your eyes, slipping down your cheeks as you spoke the words into the air. "That it takes three wands to lift me up and uh." You paused, not wanting to admit to the two what was being said about your relationship, with either of them.

"Hey, come on, you can tell us." George's warm thumbs wiped the tears from your cheeks, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

You peered up at the boy, the boy you were madly in love with, and wanted to sob at the idea of having ever thought he would date you as a dare. He was the kindest, sweetest man you had ever met, besides his father, and you knew he loved you incredibly. You sighed, looking over at Fred, seeing him nod slightly, smiling at you.

"He, uh, he said that you were only dating me because Fred and Lee dared you to. That when I wasn't around, you guys probably laughed at the idea of me being with you." You whispered, finding yourself hating Draco about as much as you did your family. To put this kind of fear and insecurity about, not only yourself, but your relationship, had you disgusted.

Fred stood up abruptly, grabbing a spare parchment and pen from another side table, writing ferociously on it. "I'm going to bloody kill him. I'm going to kill him." George mumbled in your ear, holding onto you tighter. "George, I can't kiss you in Azkaban." You tried, hoping to see him crack a smile. "I'll take his place, they won't know the difference." Fred said, continuing to write on the paper. "Freddy, who's going to make me smile when George is in detention?" You hoped to get both of their attention once more, wanting to calm the twins down.

They began to speak to each other, planning what you assumed was the death of Draco Malfoy. "Fred Weasley, George Weasley." You interrupted, looking at the two. "While I want nothing more for a revenge to be set on the Malfoy, can we please just calm down for a second?" You whispered, looking at the boys. "I just want George cuddles and Fred jokes for a bit, please." Your heart hurt less with the honesty of your words to the boys, but your head looked down, hating having to ask for comfort.

Both the boys stilled, looking at you with regret and shamefulness. "Sorry." They both mumbled, George wrapping his arms around you tighter as Fred sat back in his seat. George pulled you into his lap, his hands running through your hair. "First off, you don't believe we'd ever do anything like that to you, do you?" His voice was shaky, afraid of you're response.

"Right after it happened, I was arguing with myself about it. My head was full of the insecurities, from Draco and my family, but my heart knew better. You two would never hurt me, especially not like that. Maybe an accidental prank, but that's the worse you two would ever do to me." You spoke, looking between the both of them. Fred smiled, nodding at you before George kissed you softly. "Secondly." Fred spoke, clearing his throat. "The last thing you should ever worry about is your size, y/n." He was soft spoken, a tone you only heard when he was serious.

"You're absolutely beautiful, incredibly smart, and so much more than your size of clothes. Draco Malfoy and your family are so incredibly insecure for trying to make you feel bad about yourself like that. So, so stupid." George kissed your head, attempting to calm himself down.

"I just, I hate the idea of people seeing me as nothing more than my size." You mumbled, looking up at the twins. "Y/n, you are so incredibly more than your size. Anyone who refuses to see that is nothing more than their stupidity." You smiled, laughing softly at them.

"Now, can we please go back to the common room to plan the sweet revenge on the twat?" Fred asked, George slowly standing the two of you up. You all walked to Pomfrey's office, thanking her for letting you stay for the day before you walked hand in hand with George.

You knew, no matter what was said about your size, Fred and George Weasley would always be there to make you smile, and George would always be there to kiss away the insecurities and pain.

[angelswithcigarettes]

“A new connection”

Summary: Spencer's father comes back into his life.

Series: The journey of finding a home [Part 4]

Series Summary: With getting Spencer on the team, Gideon gets him out of the hands of his abusive Father. He knows his team are the right people to show him the kindness of this world but even if he was supposed to be one of the greatest profiler ever seen he didn't expect Morgan to be the one that puts the most effort into it.

Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Emotional/ Psychological Abuse

Relevant Tags: Autistic Spencer Reid

Word Count: 8579

Chapters: 6/6

First Chapter:

[I advice you to read the other parts first]

If there is something Spencer loves when it comes to Morgan touching him it is when they lay in bed and he takes his finger and gently moves them over his cheeks, mostly with his knuckles and moves sometimes around his face and Morgan adores how Spencer will first giggle and the eventually relax, maybe humming slightly.

"I want to -" Spencer stops himself and then opens his eyes and dares to lock Morgan in the eyes for a second and then looks at the ceiling again.

In the beginning this would make Morgan insecure but by now he is used to him looking past him. Or on the floor. Or ceiling. More on the floor than on the ceiling.

There are rare occasions were he looks him directly in the eyes.

"Can we go get ice cake from the café down at the - at the park? At the park with Clooney?"

"Of course."

"All of the things?"

"All of the things." Morgan could break out in tears out of pride caused by Spencer asking to do things or for things.

When he first met him, Spencer would just not ask for anything. If no one would offer he would just go the whole day without food or water.

Gideon had told him that Spencer on many occasions fainted in the academy because he over did himself with physical exercises or got to caught up in reading the manuals.

Seeing him sitting on the grass, with Clooney laying next to him putting his head on Spencer's legs while he sits crossed legged, he can not understand how he could have let himself get so insecure about this relationship based on the option of people who have meet him for a few hours.

Morgan tears his attention away for a second chatting with a women next to him waiting for her order too while Spencer gets approached by a man causing Spencer to put an arm around the dog.

"I thought I recognised you." The man says looking down on Spencer. "Who is that friend of yours?"

"Clooney" Anxious but also feeling comfort in the familiar warm of his father's face.

"Can I pet him?"

"Yes" William reaches down wanting to pat him but the dogs starts barking causing the man to stand up straight again and to catch Morgan's attention.

"Excuse me, I will be right back."

"Oh he is a violent one." William says with a smile a little bit surprised by the reaction.

"He isn't." Spencer holds the leash. "Morgan will calm him down."

"Morgan?" The man turns around, seeing Morgan approaching them. Not running but also not walking like he has much time. "Is he here with you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, listen buddy I have to go."

"You can meet him!"

"No don't tell him I was here. I was a stranger asking about your dog." And as fast as he was there he was gone again and Morgan was there in front of him, talking to him but not making any sense and Clooney is there. Clooney is there. Clooney is putting pressure on his stomach. He likes that.

"There you go, pretty boy." He is sitting in Morgan's lap now. "That's good, look at you, breathing like the genius you are." He tries cheering him up, his fingers just like this morning running up and down his cheek and Clooney nudges Spencer's hands. "I think someone wants cuddles."

"A stranger asked about my dog."

"He is a cute dog what can I say?"

"A stranger asked about my dog."

"I know, it's nothing to be embarrassed about that that didn't went well."

"A stranger asked about my dog."

"Clooney is fine, come on" Morgan takes Spencer's hand and places it on Clooney's head. "I am sure he just wanted to know something about him."

"My friend."

"Absolutely"

"My friend."

"And what did he do? He protected you nobody will touch you when he is there." Morgan jokes even though its actually true.

He has heard about dogs being sensitive but he always thought people exaggerate to integrate their dogs into their family, but whenever they are out outside of their job, Spencer takes the dog with him and if he gets overwhelmed he will sit down with him or play with the leash.

What Morgan finds the most heartwarming is when he hears Spencer talking to him, full on monologues about everything. About cases, about the team, about his newest hyper fixation, about Morgan when he thinks he isn't around and even sometimes about his family.

The amount of information Morgan got from just standing around the corner is something he is not proud of.

"I am sorry - I just wanted to let you guys now that the lady in the stand put your order in the freezer you can pick it up whenever you are ready. Or I can bring it to you." The women Morgan talked to before he saw Clooney barking at the man offers kindly after approaching them.

"Thank you for telling us." Morgan waits until the women is gone. "You want some cake?" Shyly Spencer nods and ensures Morgan he can be left alone if Clooney stays.

What neither of them expected was that the moment he turns his back around William starts approaching him again and then hands him a business card. "Call me okay?"

He is gone again before Morgan can even get the cake. He isn't suspicious at what happened, interacting with strangers, especially men that are older in physically advanced in comparison to him, does often not end well if no one he knows is with him.

Morgan would go as far as to say he worked out a pattern.

Women are fine unless they are in their fifties and have reddish hair, he assumed that someone this age with this specific hair color at some point in any way harmed him.

Men his age and younger are usually fine unless they are wearing a blue uniform which is unfortunate on the job.

What never plays out are men in their late fortys already having light hair or gray hair just like the man or slightly younger man with brown hair.

Which is a problem because Hotch fits this criteria but its better than in the beginning.

Will went through that too, but they are pretty sure it was the name that caused the panic.

There are a few things that Morgan avoids wearing as well.

For starters grey suits, they tried it multiple times, not working out. It took quite some time to realize that.

Secondly a different cologne. Spencer takes immense comfort in familiar smells, and if Morgan smells different he tends to get a little bit unsettled.

Change in general is not something he appreciates.

In other people it just doesn't fit him but he knows that he is not allowed to be rude because of it and he really tries not to. But he also doesn't understand why he is not allowed to be honest, JJ had cut her hair short a few ago and Spencer had, after she asks what he thinks, told her that she doesn't look as pretty as before and thanks to the aftermath of her pregnancy she just started crying.

He got overwhelmed trying to comfort her because that wasn't what he wanted to do. He awkwardly told her that it will grow back and that people who haven't met her doesn't know that she looked better before and he really tried his best but was just making it worse.

Emily stepped quickly in and sat down with him and not in an offensive way asked why he would say something like this and then proceeded to make it more clear to him by asking him how he would feel if someone said that to him.

When Spencer in the evening prompted how he likes "that there isn't much you can change with your hair" towards Morgan because "people don't know what they want when they ask for an opinion on their hair" he maybe couldn't hold back a laughter.

What Morgan did not in any way put in consideration is his reaction to him shortening Clooney's hair for the summer because when he picked Spencer up from Rossi's in the evening he did not like it at all and it took a long time of him crying and Morgan patiently waiting for him to welcome the dog and Rossi got reminded of the time Spencer lived at his mansion and when almost everything would send him over the edge.

"Here is the ice cake we so well deserve." Having a day off is not something they are used too and for a long time not something Spencer liked and just ignored by coming in with Gideon who never took a day off.

"A stranger came over and asked about my dog."

"I know" Morgan leans down kissing him on the cheek and then hands him his plate.

He improved a lot. Both of them. Spencer in speaking and Morgan in understanding but there are still many things that go missing.

"A stranger came over and asked about my dog."

"What have you got there?" Morgan asks pointing at the cards he holds in his fist.

"What have you got there? A stranger came and asked about my dog." Sceptical Morgan takes the card out of his hand and reads the ingredients.

"A stranger? Are you serious right now?"

"A stranger came and asked about my dog."

"Yeah I don't think so." Morgan holds the card up in front of him. "William Reid? Doesn't sound like a stranger to me."

More chapters:

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Nine

Words: 4.1k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, mentions of drug abuse

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I've never seen Nikki like this. I've rarely seen him cry, I've never seen him cry sober, and I've never even known it was possible for him to let himself cry like this. 

He's sobbing an excruciatingly painful cry, head between his knees, hands in his hair. 

Is this how he felt when I was locked in the bathroom for hours, screaming and crying and wailing out sorrow after learning about him and Vanity? Helpless and shitty, knowing he'd go back and change what he did if he could but knowing that telling me that wouldn't make me feel any better? 

I don't say anything. Amber doesn't say anything. We both just let him get it all out.

Minutes later, when he starts trying to calm down, he slowly wipes his eyes and glances up at me, before he starts up again, shaking his head, hanging his head low once again. 

"Vivian," Amber says softly over him and I look at her. "Go to him." She mouths, motioning to him and I raise my brows. 

Has she lost her fucking mind? He's probably pissed and distraught enough to choke me out, right now. He probably hates me, and I don't blame him. 

"Go." She mouths, sternly, waving her hand in his direction and I take a heavy breath and slowly get out of my seat and very carefully step to him.

"Nikki," I say weakly, getting on my knees,  my shaking hand rubbing his shoulder. 

He wraps his arms around me, tight, pulling me to him, burying his face into my shoulder. 

"I'm sorry." He tells me, and I squeeze my eyes shut, squeezing him. 

"It's not your fault, Nikki, it's not your fault." I assure him, holding back my own tears. 

"Yes, it is. I'm sorry, Vivian."  He argues through his tears. 

We just hold each other, and when he calms down a little bit, Amber calmly says, "Nikki, why are you so upset over this?" 

She knows why, she just wants him to confirm. 

He pulls away from me and sniffles and I wipe his stray tears with my thumbs before reaching to her desk where she's holding out her box of tissues for me to grab. 

"Because I know it's my fault." 

"Why do you think it's your fault?"

"Because I had an affair, first, and she went to him because she was really hurt." He shakily lets out, trying to bring himself back down from his hysteria. 

"Nikki, look at your wife." Amber says to him and he looks me in the eyes, obviously struggling not to look away. "Repeat after me, alright?" 

He nods. 

"Vivian, I'm sorry." She starts and more tears topple from his eyes. 

"Vivian, I'm--" He takes a breath. "I'm sorry." 

"That I made you feel," 

"That I made you feel," 

"Like you had no other choice," 

"Like you had no other choice,"

"But to go have sex with someone else,"

"But to go have sex with someone else,"

"Despite it being no fault of my own," 

"Despite it being…" He closes his eyes and sighs, as if trying to make this part engrain into his mind, "...no fault of my own," 

"Despite you being in charge of your body and what you do with it," 

"Despite you being in charge of your body and what you do with it," 

"I am so sorry."

"I am so sorry." 

"Please, forgive me."

"Please, forgive me." 

"Now, Vivian." Amber says to me, next, and I sniffle, looking at her. "Look at your husband." 

I look at him and rub my lips together, nervously. 

"Repeat after me." She adds and I nod. "Nikki, I'm sorry." 

"Nikki, I'm sorry." 

"That I made an irrational decision," 

"That I made an irrational decision,"

"After years of hiding hurt and pain and heartbreak because of your irrational decisions,"

"After years of hiding hurt and pain and heartbreak because of your irrational decisions," 

"But this is not your fault," 

"But this is not your fault," 

"I no longer want to blame my mistakes on others,"

"I no longer want to blame my mistakes on others," 

"You did not force me to get in bed with someone else," 

"You did not force me to get in bed with someone else," 

"You just made me feel like I didn't have a choice,"

"You just made me feel like I didn't have a choice,"

"Because the pain of learning of your affair,"

"Because the pain of learning of your affair," 

"Put an irrational thought and sought out decision in my mind and I could not help myself enough to extinguish it."

"Put an irrational thought and sought out decision in my mind and I could not help myself enough to extinguish it."

"Please, forgive me."

"Please, forgive me." 

"Okay," Amber nods, her voice soothing, "Nikki, what it is that you need to tell Vivian before you two continue to work on this relationship." 

It's clear that this is something he's already discussed with her, and I wait patiently as he exhales, very, very, heavily. 

I can't imagine what it looked like from outside the door of Amber's office. If a passerby happened to peek in the small little window of the door…

"Roxy, Vanity, Donna…" I shakily state. 

I'm not in a ball, pleading with God to kill me like I was when I first found out he had dared to see another woman, but now that I know better…

"...And some others." His tears are dry now, as if he's mustering up all of his macho manliness to brace for impact when I start trying to hit him. 

"Some others?" I clench my jaw, my nails digging into his jeans where they're resting over his kneecaps and he rubs his face. 

"A few others." He says next, avoiding a definite number. 

"How many is a 'few'?" I grit out and he looks at Amber. 

"Tell her." She encourages him, sternly. 

"Nikki," 

He lets out a breath and he clears his throat. 

"If a 'few' were to have a number, about how many would it be that you've had some exchange that would be considered cheating in your wife's mind, from the time you got married to now." Amber adds. 

"Around two-hundred." He admits. 

I think he's kidding at first, over exaggerating or being sarcastic because I can't fathom sleeping with two hundred people in four years while in a supposed committed relationship. 

"You're full of shit." I let out a terrified chuckle and he closes his eyes for a second. "Seriously, Nikki, what's the number?" 

"Why does it matter? You're staying with him after one, aren't you?" Amber asks and I look at her. 

"Maybe a little more than that, maybe a little less, I didn't try to keep count." He mumbles.

"Y-You've slept with…you…" I feel a prickling, scalding heat all over my skin. 

I get myself away from him to try to calm myself down, but I can't. 

It's like putting baking soda and vinegar together. 

"Nikki, why did you do that?" Is all I can get out that isn't about how much I hate him right now. 

"The same reason you went to him. Because I felt like I didn't have any other option and I was desperate." 

"Desperate for what?!" I demand, enraged, now. 

"Vivian," Amber starts but I completely cut her short. 

"I went to Duff because I had spent years in a marriage with a junkie that did everything he could to choose drugs over me and throw me to the fucking wolves!" 

"And I spent years in a marriage to an ungrateful bitch that I couldn't ever make happy!" He snaps next, standing up. 

"I would've been plenty happy had you sobered the fuck up!" 

"You'd lay in bed for weeks at a time and refuse to take your fucking medication and then wouldn't even let me try to touch you, Vivian, and God fucking knows the times you'd actually let me try to get it in, you'd lay there like sex with me was the most boring chore in the fucking world! And the times you weren't like that, you'd still manage to watch me break my back to make you happy and then spit in my fucking face and act like it wasn't ever gonna be enough, that I wasn't ever gonna be a enough!" 

"I was depressed, Nikki!"

"Trust me, I know, I fucking know!" He shouts back. 

An ear piercing screech makes us both shut up and wince, and I see Amber holding an airhorn. 

"I don't yell." She states, a brow raised as she looks at us. "Sit down. Both of you." She orders next and we both slowly sit down, taking deep breaths. "No wonder you're in such bad shape--neither of you know how to talk to each other. You just talk at each other and start yelling when the other person gets defensive over you talking at them." She snaps, shaking her head a little. "And quit cursing at each other. That's another reason you're in this mess. You're both bitter and poisonous and contaminating each other." She adds, sternly, and we slink down in our chairs. "Vivian, he has shot you, he has strangled you, publicly humiliated you, he has chosen everything under the sun over you, but you draw the line at the fact he's had sex with two-hundred other women?" 

I don't say a word. 

"Why is that the thing that's going to break the camel's back? When you come in here pregnant with another man's baby and got him on his knees crying and telling you it's his fault?" She goes in on me. "Go from crying and boohooing together to calling each other awful names and cursing and 'eff this' and 'eff that' and 'eff you'--can I tell you something? You can't stand each other now but once upon a time you must've really liked whatever it is that drives you crazy about the other person because you chose each other and married each other." She reminds us. "And I know it isn't just the drugs that cause fights because he's completely sober today and you're jumping on him for being honest with you when there's been times he has lied through his teeth to hell and back to you." She looks at me. "And you," she looks at Nikki. "I better not hear you ever call your wife a 'bitch' again. She's not a dog, even though you love to talk to her like she is one."

Again, we're both quiet.

"Vivian, how do you feel about Nikki admitting to you that he's been unfaithful?" She asks. 

"You can't tell how I feel?" I smartly ask. 

"Screaming and cursing isn't explaining how you feel. I don't specialize in translating foolishness--I specialize in helping people heal through positive communication--not verbal abuse." She replies. "Now, how do you feel about what your husband shared with you?" 

"I'm mad." 

"Why?" 

"Because…" I feel tears come to my eyes. 

"Because why?" 

I sniffle. 

"You two talk to each other like you've never had to walk through something and communicate peacefully and calmly about a situation." She says next, handing me a tissue. 

"We haven't, really." Nikki admits while I'm occupied with trying to stop my crying. 

"You've been together for six years, nearly seven, and you've never talked through a disagreement or bump in the road?" 

We both just avoid looking at her. 

"You just yell and scream until one of you finally gives up in the argument and drops it completely?" She asks next. 

"Basically." He says.

"Sex." I add, wiping my nose. "We usually just sleep together and then we're over whatever it is we were fighting about." I explain and she raises her brows.

"I promise you, none of it's been taken care of or gotten over. Anything you've fought about in the past that you tried to fix with sex has all been pent up and built up over the years and has been coming out within the last year, especially, in some form of abuse or neglect to the other person." She informs us. "And that's why you're so angry." She tells me. "Because that is a potent form of intimacy that you have on a pedestal and it's important to you. And while you've been using it over the years as a means to make things right with him, and to try to be intimate with him and reconnect with him while he's been closed off on drugs and not himself, he's been going out and giving it away to whoever." 

I nod because it's true and she nods with me. 

"I know why he went to so many other women and we'll get to that in a moment, why did you start your relationship with the now father of your child?" She asks me calmly.

"Because I was tired." I admit, my tears finally subsiding. "And I was hurt, and I just needed to be with someone who wouldn't hurt me."

"You needed someone who would protect you." 

"Yes." I agree, sniffling. 

"There's a theme that keeps reoccurring with you and it's overexposure and need of protection," She tells me and I nod, "Which is typically what fathers are in charge of in the household so tell me what your dad was like while you were growing up." She says and I lick my lips, smiling, thinking of my dad. 

"The best dad in the world. He'd help me get ready for recitals if my mom couldn't, he'd take me anywhere I needed to go, he'd help me sneak things past my mom like records or clothes she wouldn't approve of or whatever, he'd be there if I needed to talk about anything--with no judgement--he was really good to me, and he still is." I tell her and she nods, smiling. 

"What I'm about to say isn't meant to belittle all the wonderful things he's done for you or undermine the work he's put in to raising you the best he could, but with your incredibly abrasive mother," she starts, "would he ever step in when she was tearing you down or would he just try to keep the peace?" 

"He did a couple times but for the most part he'd just tell me to ignore her and wouldn't start anything with her while she was doing it." 

"So he didn't protect you when he should have?" 

I stop for a moment, and look at her, pointedly. 

"I'm not saying he didn't love you or care for you and didn't look out for you--but when it came to your mother, did he or did he not do everything he could to protect you from her mental, spiritual, and emotional abuse?" 

"No." I breathe out shakily. 

"So you went from a father who didn't protect you and allowed you to be exposed to things you should not have been exposed to, to a husband who didn't protect you and allowed you to be exposed to things you should not have been exposed to." 

I nod again. 

"Do you know why he's had sex with so many women?" 

I shake my head. 

I don't think, "because he hates me," would be an acceptable answer. 

"Do you know why you've had sex with that many women while you were with Vivian?" She asks Nikki and he thinks about it for a second. 

"...I was bored." He says and she chuckles humorlessly. 

"Just a second ago you were throwing in her face that you went where you were going to feel appreciated. So put your ego aside." She states, furrowing her brows. "'I did the drugs because I was bored, I slept with all those women because I was bored, I put my wife through a living hell because I was bored'." She mimics so he can see how he sounds when he says it. "I don't think the man sitting here, crying over his wife getting pregnant with another man, had sex with one other woman, let alone two-hundred just because he was bored." She states, matter of fact. "Put this tough guy persona away and just be honest." 

He gets really quiet, his leg shaking as his foot taps. 

"Do you know the situation with his mother?" She asks me, suddenly. 

"I know the gist of it, he hasn't told me much about it." I tell her and she looks at him. 

"You expect your wife to understand why you do the things you do but you don't give her the information to piece together why you are the way you were brought up to be." She tells him. "We're out of time, but at some point before we meet again on Saturday, I want you to talk about your relationship with your mother." She says and he nods, hesitantly.

I look at him and can't bring myself to even say goodbye to him before I'm getting up and leaving. 

I can barely make it to my car without nearly tripping, tears clouding my vision. 

I get inside and hold my chest, feeling as if my heart is breaking all over again. 

Neither of us know each other anymore. I don't recognize him, not even sober, and I know he doesn't recognize me. 

Is this even worth it after all we've done to each other?

I wrinkle my nose slightly as I put my big toe up the bathtub's water faucet, expecting a big spider or something to bite me. 

Dropping my foot back into the water, I let out a breath. 

I've been sitting in luke warm water that was hot once upon a time. 

Now my skin's pruned and I'm waiting to get the motivation to just get up. 

It's the first attempt at self-care in two days and it's only because Nikki's been wanting to fool around and I haven't felt like it. 

I'm hoping being clean helps me feel like it. 

There's two knocks at the bathroom door before he's barging in, giving me a smile that brings his dimples to life. 

"I have food in the kitchen whenever you get out." He tells me, stepping to the tub, sitting on the edge of it. 

"I'll be there in a little bit." I assure him. 

"That's what you said an hour ago, Vivian." He reminds me harmlessly and I look at him and force myself to smile a tad. 

"Oh." I reply. 

There's a pause between us and he rubs the back of his neck. 

"Vivian, are you okay?" He asks, and I look up at him, forcing myself not to cry, and nod. 

"I'm fine, baby," I lie. "Just tired is all." 

"Still? You've been in bed for, like, nearly three days." He points out. 

"I'm just tired, Nikki." I repeat in the same tone, trying to sound convincing. 

He's not buying it, and when drops of tears push past my lashes, I know I'm no longer selling it. 

"I think maybe you need to get back on your medication." He suggests very quietly, as if saying it too loud is going to cause me to have a meltdown. 

"I don't need to be on it." I argue, wiping my eyes, sniffling and trying to force myself to stop crying.

"Vivian, you're not fucking happy."

"You don't know that." 

"I know when you're happy and when you're not." He points out…"Do I need to get you something or buy something or--"

"--I don't want anything, Nikki." I state.

"Well, I do." He informs me. "I wanna see my wife happy, again, genuinely happy. Not that fake bullshit you put on for me." He clarifies. "So, just--"

"--Get out." I say, shutting him down, not wanting to hear about it. 

He rolls his jaw and nods, getting up and leaving. 

He's back with a glass of water and my bottle of Nardil, putting them both on the side of the tub and standing over me to make sure I take it like he wants me to. 

I look at him, hurt, my brows furrowing, my eyes cutting at him, anger coursing through me as more tears topple down my cheeks and tense up.

"Get out." I repeat. 

"I'm not leaving until you stop being stubborn and take the damn--"

The water is slung at him while the glass is thrown at the mirror as, "get out!" Screeches out of my throat as I open the bottle and try to ring it in the toilet, sending pills flying in all directions while the bottle with a majority of the pills plops into the water all while I'm repeatedly screeching, "get out, get out, get out!" as tears sting my cheeks. 

"Vivian, fuck--" 

I'm hauling myself out of the tub and he avoids my violent intent by finally leaving, slamming the door behind him, and I slip and catch myself on the door knob, making sure to lock it as waves of weight push me to the floor, my chest hurting, my body aching, my spirit crying out to God for mercy.

I should have told him then about my recurrent miscarriages, I just didn't know how to. I just let myself take it and deal with it on my own and he took it as me being batshit crazy and depressed. I was, truthfully, but I had reason to be. I struggled with my medication because I didn't want to have to take a pill to be happy, but I was also beginning to think it was ruining my body and skewering each pregnancy. It wasn't, but I didn't know that, so I'd take it for a while, wean myself off, and ease back into it whenever I felt like I needed to through the years. I don't think I ever went a full complete year without purposely getting myself off of it at least once.

I shut my car door as I get out, raising my brow at the site of Duff's car in my driveway, stepping to the front door. 

I haven't heard anything from him. 

Which I've been prepared not to. I can play the kid off as Nikki's if I have to.

He didn't say anything yesterday when I told him I was pregnant. I mean, literally, nothing. 

I sat for twenty minutes just waiting for him to try to discuss it but all he did was sit and stare off into space, his face ghost white while Mandy excused herself to their room and probably cried the rest of the night. 

I guess he's got something to say, now. 

I go inside, putting my kids on the little table next to the door, kicking my heels off and carrying them in my hand. 

I turn the light on when I get out of the foyer, and see Duff passed out on the couch. 

He's got a vodka bottle tucked under his arm and put my stuff down and go over to him, taking the bottle away before he spills it on the couch. 

He takes in a breath, waking up and rubbing his eyes. 

"Hey, Viv," he tells me, sitting up the best he can, trying to pry the sleep from his eyes. 

I sit on the coffee table across from him, sighing out. 

"Hey, Duff," I reply, looking at him.

"What time is it?" He asks me, next. 

"Four o'clock." I inform him. 

"Oh," he mumbles, being quiet for another moment. "You look pretty." He says next and I smile a little. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." He chuckles. "Which I guess that's what got us into this mess in the first place." He adds. "Well, not you being pretty--just me being a dumbass." He slurs, taking a deep breath. 

"Is Mandy okay?"

"Yeaaaah, she's not too happy with me right now." He admits. "I never told her about me and you when we got back together." 

"Oh." I say. 

"Oh." He repeats. 

"You know, Duff, you don't have to do all this…" I start, rubbing my lips together. "...If you're not comfortable with trying to make this work--because it's pretty unconventional--I'm not gonna be upset with you." 

"I had a shitty dad who left my mom to deal with bullshit she shouldn't have had to deal with by herself and I'm not doing that to you. That's fucked up. I did the crime, I can do the time." He states, tiredly. 

"I'm not gonna be by myself," I remind him, "Nikki's upset but he's not disowning me or anything." I add and he scoffs. 

"Of course he isn't." He sighs. "I think Mandy's still gonna stay with me. She hasn't thrown out her ring, so…" 

"Her ring?" I ask him, furrowing my brows. 

"I asked her to marry me yesterday morning." He informs me. 

"Oh, wow, tha-that's great, Duff." 

Was it completely stupid for him to propose to Mandy not even seven weeks after we broke up? Absolutely. Was it completely stupid of him to marry her three months later? Absolutely. Was I going to piss on his parade more than I already had? Absolutely not.

[spiteful-bomb]

“What kind?” SB Updike Looks over at the smaller Updike curiously.

“vanilla would be nice” Came as a response.

“Huh. Mmmk.” Vanilla for him. And Cookie dough for this one “So uh... how long you known him?”

“Mr. Hughes? For a while now. I build my way up to be his right hand man and I've been working with him for around 3 years now.”

“Huh. I kinda ran my business after my old man kicked the bucket..... I was only 16 at the time...”

“that's very young to be running such company as the Greater Good. Did you get help along the way?”

“Iiii had several advisors. But for the most part it was... just me.”

“sounds rather stressful. At least I'm glad you didn't have to be under the wing of someone like Mr. Hughes at such a young age.”

“He seems r e a l l y uptight. How do you manage?”

“you get used to him. I somehow managed to. You need to have lots of patients and pay attention to what gets him on a better mood.”

“A h....... What’s kinda funny here is. Technically we’re enemies then”

“how so???”

“What’s your objective for your Greater Good?”

“to exterminate any being that is dangerous enough to threaten people's lives and even reality itself, ofcourse.”

“..... see that’s the issue”

He chuckles bitterly “I guess I can blame it on having to fend for myself for years but. When I look at those beings- I see people. I see misunderstood, scared p e o p l e. That deserve a chance to feel like they belong. My way is to capture and tame. You’d be surprised by how good one of those beings can be if they’re just pushed in the right direction. Afterall. They aren’t too different from me and you. They’re just scared.”

“...I...”

He thought for a moment before he shook his head. He had to remember what Hughes told him. Do not let yourself be manipulated

“...Right.”

“I can see why you think differently tho. Afterall most people do harm what they don’t understand... but just..... I dunno. Look at one of those so called anomalies and just think on why it acts how it does”

“I could try-“

He remembered once more. Do not. Hughes taught him better. And he would pay the price if he even dared to doubt his own loyalty to the company and especially the General

“...P-possibly. Not sure.”

“Sorry. I’ll stop. You obviously have your own beliefs and I don’t wanna ruin whatever relationship you have with your higher up.”

“I-it's alright. You also have your own beliefs. And I don't think I would end up purposely damaging our partnership in the job.”

He chuckles again “..... Whitty isn’t that bad when you just.... talk to him.”

“Mr. Hughes and I recently encountered a different Whitty that was quite...feral”

“........ o h n o Jet-”

“You know the creature???”

“Yeah. He’s not b a d. He just doesn’t understand right from wrong. Apparently his Updike abused him a lot and never properly educated him so he’s.... Jet is just Jet.”

“ah...I wish I would have known that. He kind of infiltrated himself at our place and uh...t-things happened-“

He now looked a tad nervous

“B-but I believe he's fine!”

“..... y-you didn’t hurt him too bad right?” He sounds worried now “I know almost all Whitties have a regeneration mechanism but I’m absolutely certain most damage hurts like hell....

“U-um...well, I barely did anything,”

“Mr. Hughes however...U-ummm...”

“.......” He sighs, a harsh huff “I’ll go find him.... I just hope he’s ok. Jet.... was never treated as an actual person till I met him. He just.... needs to be shown something other than fear, hatred... disgust.”

“R-right...I'm very sorry. I really wasn't able to do anything to stop anything that happened.”

“I don’t blame you. Surprisingly, you’re one of the most chill alternates of what I usually deem ‘bad’ I’ve met. And ..... I don’t see you as a bad person. You’re just working to what you’ve been told is right”

“r-right...I'm still very sorry. I seriously don't feel the fondest towards Jet since he was pretty...wild, but I feel some guilt now that I know this”

“First impressions usually decide how you view a person. Again you don’t have to apologize. At least not to me. I wouldn’t deserve it anyway”

“I-I know it's a lot to ask, but I hope it's ok if I prefer that there's no conflict between you and Mr. Hughes. You are rather nice and I wouldn't want to be forced to be enemies with you.”

He pauses, looking down at his smaller, alternate counterpart. His mouth twitches slightly as he sighs “It’s no trouble. You’re actually pretty cool. So I guess we just keep this whole conversation between me and you, yeah?”

He looked up at his counterpart with hope and appreciation, smiling to him

“Of course. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

——————————————————————

Discord Rp that became canon.

@ask-updike-and-hughes

SB Updike: Normal

AUH Updike: Bold

:)

[musicallisto]

without fail tag

THE “WITHOUT FAIL” TAG — List five things that you, WITHOUT FAIL, weave into or explore in your stories, whether it be specific themes or tropes, character archetypes, allusions to other literary works, what have you! It really can be anything that you consistently include in your narratives for whatever reason. Then invite others to share theirs by tagging them!

I was tagged by @deadlymodern - thank you so much for tagging me, this tag is amazing and I loved reading your answers! I can tell you have a very thorough approach to your writing & themes, it’s so cool!

(tagging people at the bottom of the post if you want to skip)

1. flowers, skies & words

grouping them together since they're all related to a wider, general literary device: symbols and allegories in my stories. Without fail, I’ll always use flower symbolism to evoke certain themes, places, characters... withered petals for death, blossoms for youth, you name it, it’s probably been in one of my stories. just consider my main WIP’s title, The Grave of Roses (Le Tombeau des Roses). It’s a little basic, and has been used time and time before in literature, but I still love it.

Other elements that often make it into my stories as symbols are planes (because I love aviation obviously, but also as a symbol of breaking free, independence, of man’s domination on mortality, what with having tamed the skies, but also his frail condition and how everything hangs on a thread). Also, the sky is pretty.

And lastly, words, stories, novels always have their place in my stories, and more often than not one of my characters is a writer, or someone who uses words and stories as some kind of comfort, outlet, or a driving force.

At its [the tombstone] foot, below the name, red roses piled up, enough of them to cover ten graves. A single vermilion bud, a wind-swept poppy, clashed with the rest of the bouquet, and Samuel knew that it was William's children who had placed it there. Only they knew that he didn't even like roses anymore, and that he would come to lay poppies on his father's memorial every time he returned to London...

The tomb was both smaller and prettier than Samuel imagined, less opulent than England would have wanted to give its precious child. The morning sun, like a caress, illuminated the epitaph, a Latin verse that Samuel had known in the past. “Bury me southward,” he heard William say so clearly that he almost turned around, "so that I can look at England and France in the same breath." His name, however, was drenched in full light, facing east, and inexplicably this saddened Samuel.

“And there it is... it's pretty, don't you think? I don't know if he would have liked it... You probably know it better than I do...”

“And why do you care about that, huh? You don't even believe in God.” “He's a writer. He believes in symbols.” “He believes in vanity, alright.”

“I think he would have liked it anyway,” he nodded in agreement, his eyes glued to the lonely poppy. (Translation)

2. parental roughnesses

this was bound to come, because I feel like we were all pretty fucked up at some point in our lives from our upbringing. I didn’t go for straight up “parental issues” because I don’t deal with like, abusive or absent parents or anything, just complicated relationships between parents and their children, but who still love each other. Oftentimes it has to do with one of the children idealizing the heck out of their parent and slowly realizing that they make mistakes and are not a hero at all, and/or unmeetable expectations and parental pressure. but it’s not like I’m projecting or anything lol

“You never knew Father, William,” Grace stopped him immediately [...]. “Don't you dare pretend you know what it's like.”

“Growing up without a father is not necessarily better than losing him in childhood! Everyone here has suffered from his disappearance, Grace. You have no idea how much I miss him, despite never meeting him. But that's all in the past now. And there's no reason for there to be another war.”

“Of course there is!” she retorted ferociously, despite the tears spilling from her eyes. “Of course there is, and they're going to send you there like Father, and you'll want to play hero like Father, and then you'll get shot down like a dog! Where's it going to be this time, huh? Above Luxembourg, just like him, or maybe somewhere in your beloved France?” (Translation)

3. patriotism

One way or another, all my stories always deal with patriotism, nationalism, pride in one’s country and more broadly speaking one’s relationship to it. It questions what it means to belong to a country, to share one culture, one language; does it justify acting in the benefit of one’s country, and where do you draw the line before you intentionnally harm others’; what even is a country, a nationality, and it what sense do you belong to one, and what do you owe it, if you even owe it anything? Is it wrong or right to feel love and attachment to your place of origin? And what does it mean to fight for your country, for its values, for its people? & other things of the like. It probably stems from my own experience as a binational person; growing up, I was always asked stuff like “but who do you root for in a football game” “but are you like really French or not?” “if Spain and France got into a war what would you do?”, and this all lead me to question “am I more French or am I more Spanish - which one am I, and which one would others perceive me to be - do I need to pick a side? And how can I express my affection to these places that raised me both differently, without undermining the other - or others? can I still be proud of my heritage given the horrors my countries have committed in the past?”. I still haven’t found a definitive answer, so my writing is just me throwing trails out to the world and hoping I’ll figure it out someday. that’s why my stories often have a war setting; firstly I just love historical fiction, and secondly it’s the perfect backdrop for all these questions to unfold.

William laughed at the idea - he, a true Frenchman! It was a very silly thought. He may have loved what he had seen of Charlotte's country, but England was not to be ashamed of any other land, for it was the only one he would love until his last breath. (Translation.)

4. just a hint of supernatural

I love me a good ghost story, and I’m a fan of everything spooky, but what’s subtly spooky, and not the gory, in-your-face horror. This particular theme may have increased since I saw The Haunting of Hill House which completely OBLITERATED ME with how it uses the house and its ghosts to tell a story of family and trauma and memories... but I’ve loved ghost stories forever. Another piece that truly resonated with me was One Hundred Years of Solitude (Cien años de soledad) by Gabriel García Márquez. It was my first dive into the world of magical realism and I didn’t make it out of there the same person I was when I entered. This one is not necessarily included in every piece without fail, because some are just too anchored in reality, but if it’s not a straight-up spirit or an otherworldly creature, I’ll always find a way to include an aspect of superstition, a myth, a legend, a tale from faraway that is neither proved nor disproved throughout the story. It truly adds to the atmosphere of the world, even in a very realistic and gritty setting, I believe.

I hear murmurs of legends among the soldiers. [...] One of those stories caught my attention, I must admit... It is not very special, nothing more than a children's tale, but I thought it was beautiful enough to please your Romantic soul. Some pilots speak of a cemetery, somewhere in the countryside north of London, which has something mystical about it, lost in the flowers that sway as far as the eye can see, in the calm rhythm of the wind, wrapped in the heady scent of eternal spring, and where the bravest warriors would go to rest forever, tired of their exploits and the continual explosions. No one knows exactly where it is or what to do to be buried there, but this beautiful image simply floats like a dream in the minds of many and, I confess, in mine as well since I first heard about it.

It is said that there only flowers dare to disturb the heroes in their sleep... This fragment of silence is called the Grave of the Roses.

So if I were to leave you, if you were to hear that I am gone...

With a bit of luck, that is where you will find me.

5. love

this one is broader and less obvious than you might think. Of course, I’ll always, always implement an element of romance to my story (and more often than not it’s angsty with star-crossed lovers or insurmountable obstacles or forbidden romances and whatnot), but there’s more to it. I don’t think I have ever written a story that is entirely grim and bleak, simply because I do not believe the world is built like that. I’ve said time and time again that love is my favorite thing in the world, and I believe it is the force that drives us all forward and connects us all together; love is, to me, the truest power of humanity, and its inherent purpose. And love covers all subjects and all types of relationships, but my absolute favorite ways to explore and show love in my stories is through long-lasting, rock-solid friendships (because friendships are often overlooked both in fiction and real life), and just a grandiose love letter to humanity as a whole. I’m an optimist, and many people who have suffered more than I have would deem me naive for thinking this - and I cannot blame them -, but as Anne Frank put it more bravely than I ever could, “despite everything, I still think humans are good at heart”. My stories are always born out of love and made for love. For the love of humanity and kindness and literature and love of myself, too, because sometimes I just like rereading the words and thinking, “wow, I’ve made it this far. look at me go.” In a word, yes, I would say that is what it boils down to; my work, but also what I hope my entire life and being will be. An ode to love.

“He admired you and truly loved you, you know. You were a good leader, I'm sure, and a good friend, above all.”

He thought she was going to put her hand on his shoulder, and prepared to bend to avoid it, but instead she came to rest on the polished marble of the tomb, which was already beginning to erode at the corners. The soft light bathed her hand, and Samuel's on the other corner, still resting above William's surname, the only thing he had been proud of from beginning to end.

“And I loved him too. I loved them all. If you only knew...”

well, I got carried away, as I always do when talking about my writing, but it made me miss it so much. I haven’t worked on any of my projects since literally October and I’m feeling the void rn. anyway, thank you again for enabling me to ramble about what I love most, Thais! and I’m tagging @softeninglooks, @lxncelot, @myriadimagines​, @swanimagines & @randomfandomimagine + plus any writer who wants to talk about their marvelous work <3

[seluvian]

Lemme tell you bout this white bitch, ya'll

So I have a roommate. We were 'friends' in the past. Meaning, I thought we were friends until I got free of the relationship, looked back, and realized she has done nothing but lie, manipulate, use, and hurt me. Lemme sum it up with one event. She saw our other roommate put me in a headlock and begin punching me directly in the head and she walked away. A nurse put me on a schedule of being monitored every hour or two for concussion related brain injuries like bleeding...and this girl left me with only the abuser who gave me the concussion to monitor me. This white bitch went to another city for an appointment that she could have rescheduled, and left me to die with our abusive roommate. 'Friendship'.

So that friendship is over. The bitch still lives in this house. Everyone wants her out. She's looking for a place but damn not fast enough. Today, we found out that the washer was totally fried. Now we knew it was busted. Only this bitch kept using it, for two fucking days, and it's totally dead, pump busted, just. Toast. So I go to talk to my one sane roommate, and the bitch, about the broken washer. When our friendship died, I asked this girl not to be in the same room as me, because she has the same toxic behavior pattern as my extremely abusive mother and it scares me. She asked for the same (to be petty as in "oh yeah well I don't want to see you either so there!") I announced, since she was already in the room, "I'm coming in to talk about the washer." And then I did that thing, trying to brainstorm solutions because I need to have a washer here, laundromats are hard with my disabilities.

Within a few minutes, this bitch starts yelling at me, then straight screaming at me to "leave, FUCKING leave get the fuck out!" And soooo much more shit. I keep calmly reminding her it was my boundary to not be around her, and that this yelling and screaming is not okay. She scared the dog, who ran away, and my roommate had to take her outside. She didn't even stop screaming when my roomie's boyfriend came in, just kept going. Finally she screamed that she's calling the police, and stormed off, and slammed her door.

I'm like...okay that was weird. But an hour or so later...I find out, she honestly did do that. She called the fucking police. This entitled, racist white bitch called the cops on me, a black person with mental health issues, for...sitting on the couch in her presence. Not only that, my roomie's boyfriend is Puerto Rican. Two people of color in the house.

So the cops show up. Three white men. The oldest one immediately locks on the boyfriend who had put his hand in his pocket as he was sitting down. The cop barks at him to keep his hands where they can see them, and the boyfriend pulls his hand out to show he's just holding his car keys. The cop continues glaring at him for a very long time. You can see the hate and the desire for a fight in his eyes, I'm not kidding. He wanted the boyfriend to dare to say anything, just one fucking word, and it was gonna be on. Taser, gun, arrest, death, who knows how that was going to play out. But homeboy stayed silent. Cop eventually moved on to me.

He asks me what happened, I tell him. He listens, then explains that if there's been an assualt he has to take someone to jail. I explained that there wasn't. But he said it anyway. He wanted me in cuffs. I could feel it. I'm terrified I'm going to jail. I'm thinking of how I'm gonna tell my girlfriend, when I'll be out, how I'll get my medications, all that. I'm wondering if I'm going to die.

They go inside, the three cops, to talk to the bitch. They come out some time later, and announce this is not a police issue. They tell my sane roomie (who owns the house) that she should evict the bitch. Old racist cop man warns me not to escalate with her, with the implication he'd be more than happy to return and take me in. Then they left.

So. I'm not doing great, ya'll. I want this racist bitch out of this fucking house. After all this, landlady has given her a month, total, to find somewhere else to live and get out. Can't come soon enough.

[we-arethenewheroes]

Help me help you -part1

Read the Intro

Synopsis: "I only knew how to party and spend my money until someone didn't want it anymore"

Genre: soulmate-ish!au, fluff, angsty, non-idol!au ⚠️TWO ENDINGS

Warnings: drugs abuse, mention of sexe, (very soft I swear)

Pairing: NCT TAEYONG

Notes: it's not smut guys. Part1 of a 3 part story with a bonus chapter. Also short and easy to read. Sorry if I make any mistake :) look at this cutie plz I'm dying here

He broke up with me.

That ungrateful bastard broke up with.

After everything I've given to him he still managed to go with it, and I can't even approach him. Even the alcohol can make me feel better.

I have to do something, I can't go see my parents like That, what can I say to them? That I broke up with ? Or that he went abroad ? He died ?

"Aaaah I can't tell them that he died or they'll ask me so many questions..."

Yes, I noticed the guy looking at me, but I'm not in the mood.

...wait

I stand up, look at the guy, and just leave the bar. How can I not be in the mood..? Maybe I should just find someone I really like? Maybe it's time for me get married? Have kids?

...or maybe not? :)

I go to my car and drive to the library.

It's the only place that make me feel safe.

I've always been very smart, more than average. School was never a problem for me, and I always liked to study.

The library is quiet, and people don't look at me like I'm just meat. There's so many books, stories, and different people.

We all want the same thing: sit down with a book, and read in peace.

I take "Please Look After Mom" and sit in a corner. There's not a lot of people, just some student, kids reading Naruto in the back.

But there is one person,

One guy that appeals my attention

Not because he's very handsome, but because he seems very familiar...

...Ah! Lee Taeyong ! Wait this guy is Taeyong?? When did he became so handsome ??

Now let me share our story

Y/N, 16 years old

I already told you, I was very good at School, always straight A's, but this guy, Lee Taeyong, was too

"Y/N, A, as always. Lee Taeyong, A, I see you studied hard for this test, you have the best score"

What ? He has the best score? That's impossible!...well I mean, maybe I should just give this one to him.

Later that day, I went to the library. I really wanted to read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for some reason. As I went inside, I saw Lee Taeyong in the corner, reading the 5th book of Harry Potter.

I mean, I gave him the best score but does he has to take the book I wanted to read ??

"Hum, excuse me, Lee Taeyong right ?"

He took his eyes off the book to look at me

"...Yes?"

"Are you gonna read that ? Because I really wanted to read this book and you're getting on my nerves since this morning."

"Hu- why ? Did I do something wrong?"

I just sighed, he really was clueless.

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, technically.."

"Well, I already started to read. We can read together if you want, you probably already read all the books so you know the first 2 chapter right?"

"You want me to read with you?

"Why not? And I mean, no one is here anyway so if you're scared that people think that we are datin-"

"Do you think people are this stupid ? To think that we are dating ?"

I sat next to him and dragged my chair so it's closer to him. He looked at me in silence, and we just started to read our book.

Actually, that was pretty fun. After some times, we started to acknowledge one another when we saw eachother at the library. We would chat about books mostly, and how embarrassing it would be for me if people find out that we know eachother.

One day, we were reading the book again, when Taeyong looked at me,

"What are you starting at."

"You know I like you, right?"

"Yea I knew, why?"

"Oh, no just so I know that..you know."

"Lee Taeyong, don't you dare ruin this and ask me to be your girlfriend. You'll be too embarrassed to read with me afterwards. "

"Yeah... you're right"

A week after, I leart that Taeyong had moved to another country. He had a scolarship, and moved to England. And that test, that score that was better than mine, was what made him succeed.

And after almost 10 years, here he is.

Honestly I don't know what to do, I'm just standing there, a book in my hand, looking at Taeyong coming in.

He saw me,oh shit-

I turn around and start to walk in the alley when-

"Excuse me miss!"

...He recognized me.

I turn around to look at Taeyong, with a small smile. He's smiling too

"Y/N ? Is that you?"

He's even more handsome when he smiles.

"Yeah, that's me... Lee Taeyong, right..?"

He laughs, put his arm around my shoulders and ruffle my hair,

" Woaaah, it's been a while !"

"Well I guess if back then you had tell me that you were moving to England we would've keep contacts, and why are you acting like a big brother right now??" I step back to get his arm off me "and honestly, were we that close ? Hum?"

He smiles at me

"Heey, don't be like that, Hum? You always put your head on my shoulder we when we were reading,"

"Because I was tired and you were my pillow."

"We would always chat in the library,"

"About how embarrassing it would be for me if people fund out about are meetings-"

"See ? Meetings, we were friends stop denying it. You were my only friend, and I was your only true friend."

I looked at him for a moment. Then, why did you left me behind ?..

"And, I didn't told you that I was leaving because I wanted to be mysterious, in case we meet again. "

"What?"

"I wanted you to ask around, to try and know why I was missing, and the fact that you know that I moved to England prouves me you did." He smiles at my, all cheeky, I just want to slap his smile off his pretty face.

"And honestly Y/N,"

I look at him "What."

He takes a step and lean, a but to close to my face,

"Look."

"At what ?.."

"At my face. I'm handsome right ?"

Oh my Jesus

I laugh. Wow he's shameless now.

"Why would you tell me that ! Are you shameless our what ? Woaa really I'm speechless"

"So that means yes-"

"I never said that!" I cross my arms

He grin and giggle. He straighten up,

"Hey, Y/N,"

"What again"

"Let's read the Order of the Phoenix together, like the old times. Hum?"

I look at him.

"And are you gonna leave to another country like the old times..?"

He gently laughs

"No, Y/N, don't worry, I'll stay this time."

I slightly pout,

"Okay Then,"

I don't know how much time we spent in the library. We had so much to say to one other. He told me about his years in England. When he started to make friends, to be more confident. That I gave him the courage to talk to people freely, because he knew that he would make friends, if I was his friend.

He told me he still didn't date, to scared for some reason. All the girls were at his feet but he still didn't had the courage, and didn't like any girls at his school.

He said he wanted to contact me, but seeing how much I've changed, how much of a party girl I was on the social media, he got scared and stepped back.

I told him that he changed too. That he got more confident, sassier, cheekier, more handsome. I told him I also got a scholarship. That my relationship with my family got worse than ever. I told him my schedule: the day I work in the bank, at night, I was a party maker, of course shipped the part where I was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and that I had so many fling.

We gave eachother our numbers, and promised to stay in contact.

I was happy. It's true that I didn't really remember him after so many years, but I saw him, i was happy. I realised that I did miss him, and for the time we were together, I didn't feel empty anymore, like the "fun" missing in my life was filed.

When we part ways, more like getting kicked out of the library, I was excited to see him again after so many years.

When I got to my empty apartment, I took a shower, changed into my pj, and went to the kitchen to cook myself something. I got tone a message from my party people, I had to tell them I was sick and I couldn't come, the truth is, I didn't feel like I had to party tonight. Or ever again.

We started to meet a lot with Taeyong. He went to my empty apartment, I went to his crappy apartment.

"But like, Taeyong, don't you think you should move ? I know it's just a for-the-time-being apartment, but it's really crappy and suffocating in here" I say as we hear the neighbours fight.

"Yea I know, Its crappy, but Y/N, I got attached to this crappy place. Maybe I'm crappy ? I'm not like you, I never lived in a fancy place !" He say as we hear the neighbours fuck.

"Taeyong, stop lying to yourself."

"Then find me an apartment."

And that's what I did.

The next day I helped him move out of the crappy apartment to the cute apartment next to his work.

Normally, I would've bought him the apartment, and then ask him something in exchange. But I didn't do that. I found the apartment, yes, he bought his apartment.

The same day, I'm just watching TV when I hear my phone ring.

It's Taeyong.

I smile as I read his message,

"[TY]Dear Y/N,

I'm sending this very official message to summon you to my apartment, tonight, because I just meet my neighbour and he's scary. Sending you my location :)

Thanks babe"

"[Y/N]Don't call me babe."

"[TY] Yes, but you comin?"

"[Y/N]omw"

"[Y/N] Don't you think just saying that you miss me would've been less embarrassing than this lie?"

"[TY] No"

I laugh, and wait,

3...2...1-

"[TY] not that I miss you or anything it's because that's the truth !"

I take my coat and go to my car.

After a short ride, I go to Taeyong apartment and knock. He immediately open the door and pull me inside quickly.

"Did he saw you?"

"Who ?"

"My neighbour !"

I laugh "Taeyong you can stop the act"

He looks at me, debating if he should stop or not.

"Okay ! I'll stop! I missed you"

"But you saw me this morning-"

"No, you help me moved, the only time we saw eachother was when we passed eachother in the stairs." He pout, I giggle

"And when we drank that lemonade?"

"You mean when you took the biggest shot of your life and got back to work" he cross his arms, I laugh

"Ok, ok ! I'm here now, so let's eat." I make my way to the kitchen

"Eat...?" He looks at me

I turn around and look at him.

"Don't tell me... you didn't order anything...?"

He smiles. "In the oven, I order pizza 20 minutes ago"

I smile widly

"You're the best"

I go get the pizza in the kitchen and go back to the living room, where Taeyong is sat on the sofa. I put the pizza on the table, sit on the floor next to Taeyong's legs and start to eat.

We're watching a movie, laughing, eating together. I put my head on his knee

"Woah, I ate way to much"

Taeyong looks at me

"Hey Y/N,"

"Hum ?"

"You're sleeping over right?"

I look at him, "Me ?"

He pout and try to look cute. He looks like a sad puppy "Pleaase Y/Nnnnn"

"OK ok! I'll stay, but just tonight"

"Yess" he gets comfortable on the sofa and pat the space next to him "come here"

I do as he say, and sit next to him. He puts his arm around my shoulder and watch TV.

And I can't help but smile.

My heart is beating a little faster, and I feel like millions of butterflies are in my stomach.

He's staring at me. I look at him and see his eyes shining. No men ever looked at me like that.

"Taeyong..."

He just looks at me, leans in and kiss me.

His lips are soft, and his kiss is gentle.

After, he looks at me.

"I think I never dated anyone because I was waiting for you, Y/N."

I smile and look at my hands

"Pff, I knew you liked me..."

We quietly laugh.

"Can I ask you to be my girlfriend now ?"

I giggle

"You can"

He looks at me " I take this as a yes"

I look at him.

I think I just find my soulmate.

A/N: Thanks for reading ! Plz like and reblog and I hope you liked it !💚

[trynnabemultifandom]

Bodyguard| Captain America x Reader

Requested: No, made it coz I like the idea of it

Summary: you're the presidents daughter and because of a traumatic event that has happened in the past, he hires Steve Rogers to be your body guard when you visit. Will this trip be all happy families? keep reading to find out

Warnings: swearing(ish) towards the end

A/N: Y/N = Your Name

F/N = First Name

L/N = Last Name

From a young age, my life had been hectic. 'Why?' you might ask. Well because, my father had decided to run for mayor. Crazy right? I know what you might be thinking, 'having your dad as mayor will be a good thing', but it has been nothing but trouble. My life got destroyed when I was 7. I watched my mother get shot right in front of me and that is something that stays with you forever. Some people say it was my dad's fault and others say it was her own because she got involved with this sorta stuff, but I honestly have no clue who's fault it was. the thing that angers me the most is that I wasn't even able to do anything to prevent her getting shot, for the past couple of years I have been blaming myself for it all happening and people do try there best and tell me it wasn't my fault, but I know it was. I could have done something to stop her being shot. Moving away from that, my dad was really getting involved in all the political stuff and not backing down from it. As I grew up, I had given into the fact that my dad wasn't going to stand down any time soon, so I just had to accept that. When I was 13, my dad had ran for president. it wasn't until I was 16 that he got enrolled though. I am now 21, no longer living with my dad and doing ok on my own. It has been a while since I have seen him so why not give him a visit.

(Time skip to when you're at his house)

It is now 6 o'clock. I have finally arrived at my dad's house. The last time I saw him, I was a depressed 17 year old, who was still trying to cope with my mother's death. My taxi pulled up in front of his big house. "Mason, wake up. we're here" I said to my 3 year old son. Once I was ready, I started to make my way to the front door. Before I even got a chance to knock, the front door opened and 2 or 3 people were ushering me inside the house. They picked up my bags while talking fast and saying "we'll take your bags to your room" I nod and look down at Mason who was still sorta still sleeping with his head on my shoulder. He looks so peaceful.

I decided to put him to bed. When I came back down, I saw my dad sitting on the sofa with a good looking guy wearing a blue, red and white suit and a cool looking shield on his hip. I walk over to them and sit on the seat beside my dad "hi dad" I smile at him "hello (Y/N)" I look at what he's wearing "are you going out somewhere?" he looks at me "yeah, I have a meeting downtown. I will be home later though" he stands "Mr. Steve Rogers will be here protecting you, and if you want to go out to town, he will act as your bodyguard" before I can say anything in protest, he was gone. "and just like that, he's gone" I put my head in my hands and sigh. I feel the sofa dip on the side my dad was sitting on before he left. I look up to see Steve sitting beside me

"why don't we get to know each other" i nod "sure" "ok, I'll go first. My name is Steve Rogers, I work with Nick Fury and a bunch of other badasses and when we are all together we're called The Avengers. Of course, none of my team mates are as badass as me" I chuckle at his attempt to lighten the mood "of course not Mr. Rogers. so I suppose its my turn for the introductions now" Steve nods and smiles. I take a deep breath and continue "ok, my name is (F/N) (L/N), I currently don't have a job, I came here to try and have the father-daughter relationship I missed out on years ago. I have a 3 year old son and his name is Mason" he looked shocked at the last part

"you have a son?" I nod and look down "yeah" I can already tell he has a lot of questions about it all "where's the father" i freeze on the spot "he's uh- he's gone" i try my best to hold back the tears. I feel a hand on my shoulder "hey, it's ok. for as long as you're here, I promise I will do everything I can to help and protect you and your son" I look up at him and smile letting a couple of tears fall "thank you Steve, that means a lot to me" he smiles and I hug him "all part of the job" he says hugging me back. we were pulled from our moment by small footsteps making their way down the stairs

"mommy I can't sleep" I turn around and see Mason standing there looking tired "come here baby" I reach out my arms for him to sit on my lap "you ok Mace?" he shook his head and hid behind me. I turn him around "Mason this is Steve, he'll be looking after us while we're here" I turned to Steve "Steve this is Mason, he's a little shy" "mommy can I have some food?" I smile "of course darling" I leave Mason and Steve to get to know each other and head off to make food for Mason

(Time skip to when your dad comes home)

Because I had arrived just hours ago, my clothes still had to be unpacked so Steve told me to go unpack and he'll keep Mason occupied. I have to say, for someone who has to keep it so professional, he's really childish and sweet around Mason. Just as I finish unpacking, I hear dad come in the front door with all his little minions. "oh shit" I mumble to myself. he doesn't know about Mason. it's not like I wanted to keep it a secret that I had a kid but I know how he'll react. I quickly get my stuff put away and run down the stairs, I was too late to stop him from seeing Mason. As soon as Steve saw me, he had the look of he sorry written in his face. I mouth "its ok" just so he knows that I'm not mad at him

When dad seen that Steve was looking over towards the stairs, he then looked in that direction and seen me "when were you going to introduce me to this little guy?" I didn't know whether to be cold or not when answering him because I know no matter what I say to him, he'll be mad and act out. My dad wasn't really the best of people, although he never physically abused me in any way, he would always prioritise his work over me and that made me feel shit "when you were gonna stick around for more than 5 seconds" he looked shocked at my answer "I'm here now aren't I (Y/N)?" I scoff "i am not talking about this here. I want Mason upstairs with one of the maids before we even discuss anything"

At the snap of his fingers, Mason was being brought upstairs and my dad was showing me to his 'study' as he calls it. I was honestly scared to confront him after all these years, because not only will he probably react badly to the fact I had a child at 18 and the father is gone, I never even told him. I thought it was just us two until I look behind me and see Steve standing at the door. he gives me a look of reassurance. I turn back to my dad and I was going to figure out where to start but he already bet me to it "so when were you going to tell me you had a kid, and don't give me shit saying 'when you stick around more' or whatever. I want the truth because nows your time" I nod, "if I'm being honest, I don't know when I would have told you" "I suppose you don't know who the father is" I look at him for a second

"I'm sorry, who do you think you are? Are you forgotting that I'm your daughter and not some hooker you seen on the side of the road?" I can feel my anger bubbling already and I haven't even started yet "tell me when it happened" I was hesitant at first because not only would my dad be ashamed of me, but so would Steve "my 18th birthday party, I got drunk and some guy took advantage of me. I ended up pregnant which in a weird way was the best thing that ever happened to me. although it wasn't under the most perfect circumstances, Mason is my everything. he is my sunshine" my dad scoffs. I glare at him "look, I'm just looking out for you. Now that you're with me, you can unwantedly be in the attention of the public and people could try to harm you like what happened to your mother" oh that's it. he's crossed a line

I stand up abruptly, tears forming in my eyes and so angry "Don't you fucking dare talk about her. you hardly knew anything about her because you were always busy working to pay attention to either of us. you weren't the one who was standing right beside her when she was shot and killed and you weren't the fucking one who held her lifeless body and cried for her to come back. No because you were too busy, too busy to check and see how I was at her funeral, too busy to check on me everytime I had a nightmare and too busy to get me through the hardest time of my life. So please, don't you fucking dare pretend like you feel the same amount of pain I do, because I know you don't" i take a breath and start to fully breakdown. I run out of the room and into the living room.

I was too busy breaking down to realise that Steve had come in after me "hey (Y/N), come here" he immediately imbraced me in a hug and I just let it all out, at this point I didn't care if I looked a mess or not. After a while of Steve hugging me as I cried, I finally pulled away and looked up at him "i am sorry you had to see and hear that. you probably think I'm a disgrace" he sighed and shook his head "never. if anything I think you're very brave. the way you explained how much Mason means to you and how you actually managed to tell him how you felt and get everything off your chest" he hugged me once more and rubbed my back. "get comfortable, because you're going to put on a movie and I'm gonna make you some food. you need it. I'll see if Mason wants to join us" I smile "thank you so much Steve. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here" he smiled and went off to find Mason and I sat down on the sofa to pick a movie. Maybe this trip won't be so bad after all

please give me your honest feedback from this because I want to know if its good before I can make a part 2. tell me if there's anything I need to fix

Tags:

[mercy-of-the-ashes]

Rose held him close to her, stroking his hair in an attempt to comfort and shush him. She could feel how panicked and unsteady he was getting, but she just held him; fingers running through his hair softly.

She hummed a little, hoping the vibrations from her neck and chest would help calm him down a little. She kissed his forehead gently and brought her hand down to hold his.

"Hey, it's alright. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but if you want I can lend an ear." She tucked a piece of his own hair behind his ear as she spoke.

"... If it helps, I haven't felt this way in a very long time either." She could feel her own wounds opening at this point, biting her lip softly to attempt to stop her breath from shaking. "There was this girl, we met at highschool. She was kinda popular, a little sporty so she had shit figured out.. and me, I was the art kid that played guitar under a tree. People use to call me Tree after a while." She laughed a little at that memory, but that smile soon fading when she remembered the reason for this story.

".. Anyway, this girl.. she started to take notice of me and at first it was amazing. She would text me all the time, tell me I was pretty, take me on dates. We were together for like .. 6 years." Her breath hitched, trying to stop her tears. "... But she would, take me places I didn't want to go. Leave me with people I didn't know. Ask me to .. do things I didn't want to."

Rose clutched Haiji pretty tightly now. "But she always told me 'If you love me, you'll do this for me.' and I was dumb enough to believe her." She sighed, burying her face into his shoulder. "I thought that was what love was .. doing as they said, when I actually started making friends too; she would find a way to keep them out. From what I remember.. it was Yui who helped me see what she was doing and put a stop to it. Made me see that what that girl was doing to me.. that wasn't love. That was manipulation."

She pulled back to look at Haiji, smiling even through tears. "But with you, you protect me. You make me feel safe. You've never made me feel like I couldn't trust you, even when I ran away... You're... My Thorn, and I want to be your pretty Rose." She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

“Rose...I had no idea you went through something like that. Shit, that’s fucked up. I can’t believe you had to deal with that for six long years. Love shouldn’t be utilized with malicious intent, and it pisses me off when people do that. If I ever see her (if she’s still alive), she better be on the lookout for me.”

He got riled up instantaneously, his own worries dimmed. If Haiji were to meet Rose’s abusive ex-girlfriend, he would pummel her for being such a heartless bitch. Nobody manipulated Rose and got away with it! The way he punished the pervert back at the cafeteria was a prime example of his viciousness. If anyone tries to mess with his Rose, they’d be messing with him.

“So now I see why you like me. You knew I would never take advantage of you. Love is about trust, equality, respect, and compassion. I know I’m not the stereotypical ‘Prince Charming’, but even I have the common knowledge to know how relationships work...even if I had never been in one myself.”

He inhaled a breath and held it in as flashbacks of those days began to take shape. Events of the first time he fell in love but tragically never got the chance to pursue it.

His lungs snapped him out of it as they ached for air, so he released his breath. Haiji waited for his nerves to be subdued before he was brave enough to continue.

“Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot to know you could trust me with something like this.” He brushed his fingers through her silky rose red locks.

“It’s painful for me to remember my own experience, but it’s only fair if I tell you mine...”

The memories were hurting him inside. Years had passed since he had experienced what he was feeling for Rose. The similarities were almost uncanny to an extent.

He took her hands as he mulled over the past. Just feeling the softness of her touch encouraged him to begin his tale of love.

“The reason I’m afraid to fall in love is because...I’ve had my heart broken. Back in high school, I started having feelings for my best friend, Kiyoshi. Mareo’s husband. I’ve fallen in love hard.”

Old wounds were beginning to open as he smiled weakly. “Kiyoshi drove my heart wild, Rose. So much. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, so it was to be expected. We were inseparable. Nothing could break our friendship. So when I realized I was falling in love, I wanted to see where it would lead.” He laughed as he remembered those times. “Whenever I approached him, I was always too shy to do it. Hell, I humiliated myself a dozen times, but I never gave up. I knew I would tell him one day. But by the time I finally had the guts to confess, Kiyoshi introduced me to Mareo. They were already in a relationship at the time...”

Haiji’s smile disappeared. Tears dared to break his calm demeanor. Dangerously close to falling apart like he did long ago, he managed to resume the story.

“When that happened, I forced myself to keep my feelings for Kiyoshi a secret. I didn’t want to complicate things between us. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Mareo. I never held anything against him, and I don’t hold anything against him now. For his and Kiyoshi’s sake, I never revealed how I felt. But that didn’t go according to plan. Fast-forward to their wedding day, and I broke down a couple of hours before the wedding. I couldn’t stop myself. I cried and cried in the dressing room, feeling like I was going to lose Kiyoshi, but he was never mine to begin with. He was just my friend, and he would always be my friend.”

Haiji sniffed and wiped his face with his forearm. It did little to stop the streams soaking his face. “Kiyoshi later found me bawling. I was furious at myself for being an idiot, but it was too late to hide anything. That was when I confessed to him. I knew it was stupid, but it wouldn’t have changed anything, but I told him anyway.”

Damn, he wished he wasn’t crying helplessly, and almost considered cutting it short. But he couldn’t end the story there. He’d come this far to stop now.

“Kiyoshi and I had a very long talk when I poured my heart out to him. He was so understanding, it reminded me why I loved him in the first place. During my broken state, I told him I’d never find anyone else when he married Mareo. Kiyoshi didn’t believe that. With the sweetest smile, he reassured me with all his heart that I would find someone. Someday. All I had to do was meter give up. And I didn’t.”

Haiji looked deep into Rose’s sparkling green eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared. Do you see what I mean Rose? That’s why I’ve been scared out of my mind about trying again. I don’t want to deal with heartbreak. My heart can only handle so much.”

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Mark: rape victims. Theyre the most hurt out of all this and you keep thinking back to when you and Candy talked and you kept saying "Candy i need to do something about the rape victims. They need help" and she said "mom What about me?" And you said "candy all i know is i love you too much to know right now" and that was all. So, I'm thinking each race has barely enough tickets left. If we do the same as Woodstock on the teams. You know Matt Hagan's team has a guy who raped you yourself in the high school bathroom when you were trying to be "normal" and so. Im thinking eridacate those few make it safe for everybody before. Then when it's safe have tree insert free tickets and airfare what like a United airlines gift card and one for lodging with extra money on them of course to go on a separate trip later on their own someplace nice with their families, kids and soulmates, lost parents and siblings and more.

Me: mmhmmm

Mark: i know i lost you at DNA4U. Tree what is the percentage of rape victims not tested?

Tree: 2%

Mark: so see it will be perfect and tree can just email the rest.

Me: sounds good to me

Mark: and i will pay because you are truly running out. You only budgeted $4 Billion for the First Chandler of the Year Event. You're at $3.62 billion according to the trees calculations and i know youll add more midway because of the ones just beginning that hadn't earned all year. There's some special summer people the Tree sees coming in the future for the NHRA and associates. A whole entire family in human trafficking. Its Steve Torrence and you want to buy them a house and a few cars and a plane and butler and you're already out of money.

Steve: they can just live with me

Mark: your house isn't big enough

Me: let them pick a bunker location and we will remodel

Mark: what?

Me: my gramma went back and most of her bunker because they were so used to it and so many. If i build them what i think is the greatest house in the world, it won't be good enough. Im not like them

Mark: well i think you're wrong. They want out.

Me: the sunlight itself is damaging to the eyes. The weather changing all the time and it's so much to get used to the outside world. So i think Idk... Im not gonna assume. But my grammas is in the side of a hill and we put Windows in it. So there's many alternative opportunities that we can do. Im not trying to save money. I just want to spend it perfectly.

Mark: i know that's all you want to do. Jason Line's family has got out. And they're okay. I'm gonna expedite some people. I'll be back don't post yet.

Saint Luches: He's sexy. When she said his vein was popping.. Yum. Hey! I tap in her phone! I see her wallpaper! And it's his veins popping! Fucking hard!

Fuck yeah man. It's life. Thoughts roaring through hos body at high rates of speed

Alex: that's all I was trying to say

Mark: i put video in for people i select in the DNA4U so they will have to check. They should ask you for help Alex. Okay? Even if yoh don't like them

Me: okay baby

Alex: got it baby. But only if yoh fuck me

Me: please. Pay me. First with a hard Dick then cold hard cash and gifts oh and feed me dinner.

Mark: feed me Seymour

Alex: i love you baby

Me: only me. Not that Saint Luches. He's mine.

Mark: will you two stop and listen to me

Me: only cause that vein is popping. Alright. what baby?

Mark: you make me laugh too much. Sabrina you know what to do. There is too many people still to attend the track so what do we do?

Me: well they will need to make room in the camps and double up in cars so there's enough parking and so they may be in the way of workers in the trailers.. So we will see if NHRA can make a special Chandler Love section

Mark: yeah let's decorate it with hearts..

Me: oh all romantic!!! Like white linen. Roses. Mmmm like dinner is that oyster romantic stuff

Mark: oh and cinnamon

Me: yeah cinnamon all floating through the air. We can put something on top of the trailer like a wax burner. Which will be perfect because a each cube really only lasts 3 days. So dump it out and get in the road.

Mark: yeah see yoh already have no money. You already got the candle wax and warmers and flower vases from me and tree. You and Candy arranged that in 2016. But you still need to buy flowers and you did have the families of special victims to take them home already. But not the vases, they wrap them in wet papertowls on the bottom of the stems then use wax paper they can later press the flowers into to have pressed flowers. So that is already budgeted in the $3.62B you have them going to local to the track homeless shelters.

Candy: oh dad i forgot that!

Me: how's it going there Chandler Bing?

Candy: call me Candy

Me: all right 007

Candy laughs surprised: mom!

Agent: alright they will be furnished by the CIA. Setting out tables and serving food

Mark: yeah we got real wooden tables and chairs. The chairs don't fold. They stack. Her dad made them.

Candy: oh dad!

Mark: her mom's idea. Jesse Tony was so shocked. He said "i know how to make those!" They're so beautiful with vines of love coming down. She really was in love with him again that day.

Me: :D

Mark: it happens, happiness. Ok. So then everything is fine. Alex you'll have to help Steve with his parents.

Alex: what about my parents?

Mark: this weekend since you can't have her Because she HAS to go to Columbia. Her children need since organizational skills.

Candy: that's good mom. You got to do that. She's killed him 4-6 times since you last saw him.

Me: I think she's like Alex. Into kink. She might be his daughter.

Alex: shit. I think she is

Saint Luches: whoooo the world we have on our hands

Me: this is how i just saw Alex in my head

Alex: don't you dare say what you just saw

Me: so hes all "you used to always wake me to eat. You'd give me a handy to wake me unless i was already out and and probably pretending to sleep and id pull you on to ride. Then youd feed me by hand the breakfast you made or dinner if It was ready and Saint Luches didn't tell you to wake me early. Then I'd tie you up on the weekends to the bed" that's what ive heard so far of our relationship in his eyes.

Alex: just the sex part! (He laughs) oh my god! I can't believe she said that about me

Me: that's not even... So I've been wearing pearls and hes all i want to wrap these around your neck so tight when we're fucking... But they're yours and they'll break so I'll buy you a different necklace to wear. A whole box

Saint Luches: whoo!! He went full kink!! Hes not holding back!!! Whooo weeeeee neat! This is gonna be fun.

Me: oh and i got all this saggy ass on my skin -- skin on my ass from that last 15 pounds i lost. He's all Saint Luches get this, hes all, i want to wrap my hands in it and just yank... Like its not attached to my body but then Saint Luches get this, im all okay sounds good because i can't even feel any thing there cause the nerves are all dead. Uh huh. I'm like yeah let's... Whatever you want baby.

Saint Luches: and you're serious!

Me: uh huh yeah

Saint Luches: that's what I know!

Me: so then last night he's telling me "I'm just gonna get a leash when you go to NHRA and put it around your neck", I told him that's too degrading in public bedside you don't want that any way. A leash and collar are boring. They're just standard. Pearls has control where you wrap around your fist and it's your intensity on your cock that makes you want to break the pearls. Its completely different. But i told him he can put a cuff on my wrist and leash me there because i know he really does want to leash me in public

Alex: i fucking do so bad!! I've always wanted to!!

Me: well people know who we are now so its not like walking around all randomly in NYC in a business coat. Suit and heels. With a spiked collar and leash... Besides you know the problems there... So a wrist is just an extension of your tiny short arm. And so in the current situation its applicable to chain me to him... But also Alex, you must remember if you're not looking some one can take it off me and put it on something else and you not even notice

Alex: yeah i know! That's happened and I heard you screaming and looked and then I was hooked to the fucking metal banister of the stairs you were sitting on and you were all the way down the street with 2 cars to pick you up

Me: I.... Uhh. Yep.

Alex: fucking mother Teresa kidnapped you said I was abusive in a sexual nature to you. So I started wearing the collar and I looked sexy, too. Maybe that's what we will do instead...

Me: if you want to baby. Mother Teresa had me so scared. I was afraid she would take off my clothes to find the bruises of you biting me and squeezing me so tight

Alex: she was going to until you told her you felt you were in a rape situation and told her to take off her robe which she did, all fucking wrinkled l nasty

Me: yeah and i told you to let's go Like 10 times and all yoy did was stare at her.

Alex: i was staring at her face! I was scared! Then sh3 dropped those mini blinds and I snapped out and I realized she was gonna fuck us on that table, you weren't kidding about her! God she was nasty. I don't even think she wanted to kidnap us. Just make us drugged and drunk and fuck us until her little shriveled ass dried all the way up.

Me: i told you

Alex: no! Dont say it!

Me: her pussy would always drip down her ass crack and she would never die unless someone killed her!

Alex: id rather talk about kink. And I didn't wanna talk about that either.

Me: we're supposed to be spending money. Help me. Ohhh kink for

Mark: no we got that! No actually we did. Star studded collars and shorter leashes and cuffs and also Abu in leather to strip. While walking around

Alex: oh my god. Did you really do that for me?! Oh my God!!!

Me: on a day too hot to wear clothes and waster hoses to water down t-shirts

Candy: mo-om!!

Me: we warn before hand and we got bathing suit tops -- string bikinis.

Alex: omg. Stop baby. Quit. Baby. Quit. Omg.

Me: and xl white t-shirt to 5x .

Alex: oh Fuck!!

Me: we got it all clean fun

Candy: and where are they gonna get dressed?

Me: by the water slides

Candy: well okay then!!!

Me: and we will have mud wrasslin

Candy: mom!

Me: please baby Like we weren't born in Alabama. Ut Its in plastic pools. We will have clean dirt brought in. So no little rocks or stickers or branches

Alex: oh my God! Why do i love you! This is why!!

Candy: mom! That is not what i want to do! But i want to watch!!.

Me: girl. You'll do it.

Candy: what--what?

Me: baby girl youll get to watching and you'll start wondering how that feels., like is the mud cold? Is it really so fresh? Like you can't watch a mud wrassle without wanting to get in. It's the law. At first youlk be all As long as it's not in my hair, but once it gets in there you'll be all fuck oh my God this mud is good you won't even,care. You'll start making yourself dreadlocks. For real. Its good shit,

Alex: that's so hot and heavy baby what else you got for me

Me: Alex. Its for my child! Every child needs a good mud puddle. She will go with her brother and sisters before anyone else gets in. Like off hours. During a private time. Just for employees and lovers. My children will play in the mud just like i let their sister Annabelle. Its my rule as a mom. But it's clean spa quality mud.

Candy: for real mom? Im gonna cry! I gotta walk away!

Me: you're welcome. I don't care how old And wiser than me you are you're my baby. Mark already bought everyone the tickets.

Mark: and some Columbian Abu that need to return to America and not to Columbia.

Alex: so when Sabrina comes. There will be whips and chains. This excites me.

Me: this way Every one knows the threat is present! No guessing! I'm here. Black leather is out. Whips.Whips. whips and chains. If Steve Torrence thought this weekend shopping was erotic and silly just wait, it gets worse and better! I bet we could put up an outfit for him. Get him topless, some long leather arm cuffs with fringe ... Chaps. Boots.

Alex: and what am i wearing?

Me: nothing. A loin cloth in public places,

Alex: shut up! You're Not kidding me are you

Me: i swear he just sighed with relief.

Alex: shit i did babe. I was like yeah! She's doing an new Animal house but animal. Leather is animal skin and she wull wear purple or pink or red zebra.

Me: it's caaaaaaaaavemaaan!

Alex: oh my God that was sexy. You know she iw the only 100% pure Neanderthal in the world. She has every single Neanderthal gene. No one else in the world does.

Me: mmhmmm Annabelle only has 75% because ironically yummy kinky bastard you only have 50%. If She's yours. But She has your lips

Alex: i know. And punishing attitude

Mark: it's because he evolved from bestiality.

Alex laughs: shut the fuck up.

Me: your face is too red for me to not to want to ask questions.

Alex: im a civilized caveman

Me: dont lie to me

Alex: i wear suits

Me: mmm

Alameaniae: great now can we get back to me? I kill my husband bring him to life and fuck him

Me: you're a healer and goddess of fertility. Its quite simple although authentically unknown around the world as many people try to mimic you without the known skill. But you're not evil. Just a Goddess of sudden powers that bestow truth and honesty beyond any means of life itself. You truly despise evil and you can't Fuck even your husband if he has even a dusting of evil on him. So you kill him and make him whole again.

Another killer daughter: Just like Saint Luches used to do to Sabrina. You all do. Even Mark.

Mark: WTF. I never did that to Sabrina. Saint Luches

Saint Luches: just that one time she went silent and didn't moan during sex.

Me: because i learned not to because it attracted attention from a child wanting to know what that noise was. Well IDK. Apparently its common in other relationships.

Tree: there is 1600 goddess to God relationships that are 100% that way. Mark never. Saint Luches on impulse. And Alex more often than not. Jesse Tony never.

Alex: hey I love the bitch, it's hot what can I tell you

Tree: but usually with Alex it's on accident, he's accident prone. But he heals all her scrapes and Bruises if he gave them to her or not. So he's only done it 45 times out of 648 sexual occurrences.

Me: it's passion. I usually don't feel it. Mostly I hop out because i do feel pain. And i know he doesn't want me to. Then i watch him fuck my dead body. Its very interesting.

Alex: I'd check my watch and see if it stopped. Check a wall clock to see how long she been dead then i tell her what the fuck are you doing dying on me? Where does it hurt? And then i heal it and she goes back to life, she's rhe sick one watching me fornicate on her dead self

Me: thats sexy as Hell.

Alameaniae: So all the rest of you are doing it on accident? Im doing it on purpose

Armageddon: currently there's 1600 of you purposely killing your spouse which is 0.000366% of the world. Which is quite interesting. You will be studied.

Alameaniae: okay! :)

Armageddon: usually that style of attitude we turn into cats, we were not aware why this was occurring but now we do. Because we fuck up and torture. So then you kill who you think tortured the most when we thought we were fulfilling a prophecy which we now know is a lie. Thanks to Sabrina and her attitude ans refusal to turn to lust to be her guide and instead strengthen love not only for herself but the world. Again as she did in the 1980s. And so now we will exclude prophecies as some are lies designed to take over the world which we now know in impossible. Due to the one actual full Neanderthal on Earth. Sabrina = Cleopatra = Lady Godiva = Goddess = S.Leigh and all hwr other names. Still her. Just like she said, you can change everything about the way she looks and the world around her but yoh can't change her. Its true and that isn't a prophecy. Its an anti-prophecy.

Me: because im awesome like that. All Neanderthal Gene!

Mark: baby You make laugh

Armageddon: and you did kill Sabrina Mark 2x. But the difference is you all do it during sex unlike the 1600. Saint Luches in the beginning because hes insecure he can fuck well enough. Alex at the end because hes certain she will run away. And Mark's two were accident related when they were interrupted (by rapists) and he was trying to hide what they were doing. I'm just saying there is a difference is all. And even still Alex doesn't do it on purpose. But Saint Luches will. 113 times out of 492.

Mark: Jesus Christ! God!

Armageddon: but Saint Luches was circumcised too far so sometimes he had pain and thought Sabrina could feel it as well.

Mark: oh

Armageddon: those 3 only lived together 6 months.

Alameaniae: God! She really is a nympho!

Me: and I advocate for Soulmates. Fix the issue with the cats please.

Armageddon: oh yeah hold on leg me call tree. Shhh.

Mark: He really uses his phone. That's so hilarious. You don't even know his number do you? Or mine or even Alex's. Not even Saint Luches.

Me: I dont even have their emails.

Mark: so we got rape victims, some human trafficking. No murdered but those come in. Abuse will be eradicated for some and educated to stop. We have all your other paperwork but most of the post -- well all till this one has been new

Me: ok. I'll rest. I still have till the weekend is up to add.

[sometimesrosy]

1. Sometimes I wonder if people watch the show or just scenes on youtube. "Clarke didn't mourn L, she needs to cry this season" Maybe it's because they stopped watching the show after 3x07 and then they only watched 3x16, otherwise... what was the whole s3b? Did we watch the same show? She actuallly showed her pain, she mourned her more than she did for Wells or her dad. How many characters we've seen mourning their loved ones?

2. and CL got that screen time but let’s ignore canon and expect her not to find love and happiness anymore. This is not about CL vs BC it’s about Clarke!!!! Let her move on like she did when her dad, her best friend and the guy she loved died, like all the characters did and will do. Idealistically, yes, they should have time to mourn and heal but they don’t have it, none of them. 3. Tbh it seems they don’t care about Clarke, they just want her to be miserable, and it’s transparent that most of them ship characters who lost someone, don’t they need to mourn? is the rule “have to mourn” only applicable to clarke? Didn’t they ship CL when they kissed after Finn’s death? I’m sorry, I needed to vent because they’re trying to make us feel guilty and I’m done with their hypocrisy.

They’re wrong.

They’re not wrong for their interpretation (even if I could find loads of evidence to disprove their interpretation, I won’t, because they’re not wrong for HAVING their interpretation,) but they ARE wrong for telling us our interpretation is wrong and unjust. 

Don’t let anyone guilt you for shipping Bellarke.

They are wrong to do so. That’s on them, not you. 

This is the basis of fandom. Ship and let ship. 

Even if they are being “polite” when they tell you how wrong it is to ship Bellarke and how rude you are being to not put CL first, they are still wrong. 

I mean, if they wanted to talk about the nature of love and grief and forgiveness and healthy love and power and trust, well then, we really should have been allowed to talk about it with CL back in season 3. But we weren’t. If we said, “but wait, can we talk about how Clarke has lost her agency in Polis?” we were called lesbophobes who were invalidating a wlw relationship.

But now, it’s all of a sudden our burden to put Clarke’s trauma before shipping Bellarke, when in Polis she was powerless and in pain, spitting and cursing and screaming and broken and kidnapped and crying and admittedly self hating, and if we dared to suggest that was anything but beautiful true love we were The Devil. 

Let’s just stop and look. I was harassed and targeted for a year because I saw my own experience as a victim of domestic abuse in Clarke’s story. I was actually cyberbullied because I was engaging with The 100 as a victim of domestic abuse. Just one more time. I was cyberbullied for being the victim of domestic abuse. They took MY real life trauma, and used it to build up social justice arguments for their fictional ship and get notes on their posts where they slandered me and sent their followers to harass me. 

But NOW I am being called rude and selfish because I don’t put the trauma caused by L’s death (and only that trauma, none of the others,) above what I see as a healthy relationship and Clarke’s ability to be resilient in life and move on. 

Yeah.

See, I don’t have to be polite when people politely come to my blog, anon or not, to politely tell me I have to be politely respectful of the CL ship.

I respect and support real life LGBT people, and I support their need to process life experiences and trauma and have positive representation and engage in fiction as they see fit. This is why I don’t go to CL blogs and tell them they are wrong or rude or whatever. That is how I’m being polite and respectful. Shipping Bellarke and being happy about their interaction in season 4 is not being rude.

Asking Bellarke shippers to “respect” their ship and fandom by not shipping Bellarke is outrageous. Stop taking lessons from Lxa, who forced Clarke to kill her first love and then told her it would haunt her for the rest of her life, and kissed her only a few days later. And asked her to come home with her after betraying her and dooming her people to death.

Respecting Clarke’s trauma and grief, huh? 

Hypocrisy.