#how am I supposed to sleep at night knowing what I know...
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i love you, iâm sorry-matt sturniolo
you and matt swore you were done, but are you?
warnings: fluff, swearing, happy ending
*there is a flashback in the story itâs in blue!*
empty. emptiness was what you felt. it had been two weeks since you left the love of your life, matt. you try to tell yourself, âwell, it was his faultâ or âiâll be better off without him, itâll just take timeâ, but nothing worked. you missed him.
you sat on your couch, something you had been doing more than usual lately, and stared outside through the window. you couldnât bring yourself to do anything other than overthink. you would replay the moments of you and mattâs breakup argument in your mind, like it was a movie on loop 24/7. and just when you would feel a sliver of joy, the movie would start again, leaving you to drown in self pity.
it was getting late, so you picked yourself up off of the couch and laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling. sleep wasnât exactly on your side.
it was about 1:30 am, and you were still awake when you heard your front door creak open.
what the fuck?
you sat straight up and froze, paralyzed in fear, not knowing what to to next. normally, matt would take control and go see what was happening, but he wasnât there. he was gone.
you hear the persons foot steps get louder and louder until you hear them stop right in front of your bedroom door.
the door opened slowly, revealing a puffy eyed, sad looking matt.
he looked awful to say the least, he looked like he hadnât eaten in days. his face was all swollen, his eyes bloodshot with dark bags under them. his face was glistening with tears, and his nose was runny.
âmatt,â you say.
âi know, i shouldâve called, im sorry.â
âyou almost gave me a heart attack! do you know what time it is?â
âyes, i know, okay? i said im sorry.â
âwhy are you here matt, i thought we were over.â
âi know thatâs what we said, but i cant stop thinking about you, about us.â
âmatt,â
âi know, y/n, i know what i did was wrong. going to that party was a whole wrong decision in itself. but i still love you, y/n.â
âbut matt, you pinky swore you wouldnât cheat, and you broke it! how am i supposed to trust you now?â
âi donât know, i just hope you can find it in your heart to give me one more chance.â
you think back to the night you found out about the partyâŚ
1:00 am, 2:15 am, 3:40 am, matt still wasnât home. he said he was filming with his brothers, and you believed him. you called him, and he didnât answer,m. you then called nick and chris, and they didnât answer either. you give up, just telling yourself that their phones died, and you go scroll on instagram in your bed. nick posted a picture of himself and chris at a party.
where was matt?
you look harder, only to see mattâs lips pressed against another girl. her hands threading through his soft brown hair. matt was yours, so why was he with her?
matt arrived home, drunk, stumbling lazily into your shared bedroom.
âhey baby.â he says with a smirk.
âdonât call me that, matthew.â
âwhat the fuck is your deal, y/n?â
âthis!â you say, throwing your phone in his face. youâre zoomed in on him and the other girl, matt looking at the photo. even his drunken state cant cover up the guilt and regret in his mind.
âwhoâs that?â he says, lying.
âthatâs you, matt! who else would it be? you know what you did matt, and i know too. iâm not as dumb as you think i am.â
âit was just one kiss, so what? it was a party, and we were needy and drunk.â
âhave you lost your fucking mind, matt?
âno i havenât, but clearly you have, bitch!â
âiâm not gonna be talked to like this by my own boyfriend, so get out.â
âwhat?â
âi said, get. out. matt. weâre done.â
âcome on, donât you think youâre being overdramatic?â
âget out! now!â
ây/n?â you hear matt say softly.
you snap out of your memory, taking a second to focus back on reality.
âlisten, y/n, iâm not asking for you to let your guard down again and take me back, i just guess i want you to know that i love you, and that im sorry.â
matt stares at you, his face full of desperation and vulnerability, and most of all, regret. a single tear rolls down his face, dropping on the floor as it falls off.
âdo you promise to be loyal, matt?â
âyes, of course i do. i wont screw it up this time.â
âiâm serious matt, i cant take that again. i cant go through that again.â
âi promise.â
âokay then.â
âso, what now?â matt asks.
âdo you wanna, maybe try again?â you ask softly.
âyes. i swear i wont fuck it all up this time.â matt replies.
you and matt hug, and for the first time in a while, you feel genuinely happy and loved.
âi love you, y/n.â
âi love you too matt.â
kind of a rushed fic but wtv!!
#Spotify#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo triplets#chris smut#chris sturiolo fanfic#chris x y/n#sturniolo x reader#sturniolo smut#matthew sturniolo#matt stuniolo fanfic#matthew bernard sturniolo#matt x reader#christopher owen sturniolo
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the only one
casual part 3.
(but can be read as a one shot)
part one
⍠đŹđ˛đ§đ¨đŠđŹđ˘đŹ ~ you thought billie had moved on, seeing her post like it was nothing, she was fine. maybe it was just casual to her.
â
đŠđđ˘đŤđ˘đ§đ ~ billie eilish x reader
â
đđ°! ~ mentions of panic attack, angst, nightmares (?)
ᥣđŠ a/n ~ hi! thank you all sm for waiting for part 3!! this one has a little time-skip, iâm thinking maybe 1-2 months since casual part 2. let me know if you like it, hopefully it lived up to your expectations đĽş
itâs been a few months since that last meet up billie and you had. the one where she belittled you and your feelings.
you blocked her the morning after, it wasnât easy blocking her. someone you fell in love with, but you realized that it was one sided the day she told you it was just causal.
maybe you wanted her to spill her feelings on how she loved you, and didnât just want you for a quick hook up to relive some steam. but deep down you knew thatâd never be the case.
to say youâve been doing good is a lie, youâve been.. okay. dating felt pointless as of now, you knew your heart would always belong to billie, even if you two werenât serious, it didnât mean you loved her any less.
billie on the other hand, looked like she was doing great. i mean- it wasnât like youâve checked up on her, you were non contact. but on her instagram she looked like she was doing great. sheâs on tour, her album is still doing good, she has good friends. it was bittersweet to see her now, it still made you cry some nights.
you were laying in your bed, staring up at the ceiling. you had just woke up from your sleep, a dream waking you up. the dream was a recurring one youâve gotten for the past few months since you ended it with billie.
the dream went something like this: you were in bed and when you turned over, you see billie, sleeping peacefully. you just observe her for however long until your brain wakes you up.
it never went father then that, it was just a constant reminder of her. maybe thatâs why you couldnât get over her.
suddenly your phone starts ringing, waking you from your daze. you shake your head a little and roll over, grabbing your phone off of the nightstand and rubbing your eyes to see whoâs calling.
who would call you at 3 am?
you read the number, you donât recognize it. itâs your area code, but thatâs all you recognize. god- theyâve called you 12 times.
you just decide to pick up, hoping theyâd stop after that.
âhel-â you clear your throat, trying to make it sound like you werenât just asleep. âhello?â you say weakly.
ây/n?â the other person says.
your heart drops, how could you not recognize that voice? the voice that used to sing praises to you, who used to speak to you in the softest voice, the voice you fell in love with.
âbillie? what the fuck?â you say, blinking repeatedly. you blocked her, how was she calling you? you pinch yourself once to make sure you arenât still dreaming, only to be met with pain. okay, so this was real.
âi know im sorry- i just- i really need you right now, i have no one else to call and i donât know what to do.â billie speaks, immediately apologizing. you can already tell she was in the middle of a
panic attack. her voice cracking when she speaks. you feel that same pang in your chest hearing her like that.
you take a deep breath, running a hand through your hair. âokay- bills- billie, calm down. breathe for a minuteâ you say. you regret answering, it just made everything come back.
you hear her take a breathe and go silent for a moment, before speaking again. âiâm really sorry- i know you blocked me and we arenât supposed to be talking, but i just- i dont know what to do. youâre the only one that knows how to deal with me when im like- when im like this.â she speaks softly, her voice still shaky.
you go silent for a second, zoning out looking at the floor. inviting her over would be horrible for you, ruining all of the progress youâve made. but fuck, you canât just leave her alone, you canât help but care about her.
âokay- fuck, do you want to come-â
âyeah.â
âokay.â
your eyes widen when she speaks. that was quick. as soon as she says yes you hang up, putting your phone down. what did you just do?
a few minutes later youâre pacing though the kitchen, waiting for the doorbell to ring. the gravity of what you just did sinks in, you shouldnât of offered.
but as soon as the doorbell rings and you rush over to open the door- maybe a bit too quickly, and you see a disheveled billie, all of it disappears. god you just wanted to protect her from everything.
her hair sticks to her forehead, the same hair that you used to play with, her eyes were red and looked up at you with so
much guilt. itâs obvious she feels horrible
about coming here. maybe she wasnât as good as it seemed on her instagram. it looks like sheâs back in that place she was in when you first met her.
âoh, babyâŚâ you coo, gently putting a hand on her shoulder and leading her inside. when you close the door and look back at her, she looks like a lost puppy, her eyes still swollen.
âiâm- sorry-â billie chokes out, starting to cry again. you immediately pull her into a hug, gently cradling her head in your hand, the other hand gently rubbing her back.
âitâs okay billie.â you say, gently kissing her head.
you felt so many things, you let her into your house even when she broke your heart, you truely could never deny her, especially when sheâs crying in your arms like this.
youâre fucked now.
#billie eilish#billie eilish x reader#fics#billie x reader#billi eilish x reader fluff#billie#billie eilish x reader fluff#idk how to tag this#spotify#writers on tumblr#billie eilish imagine#billie eilish smut#billie eilish fanfiction#x reader#fanfiction#imagine#one shot
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Hereâs a sleep token thought for you.
Lazy morning sex. With whoever you want, or what it would be like with each of them.
Run wild with it. Feel free to spiral.
(Please and thank you. I love your writing)
Favorite flavor
a/n Iâm supposed to leave for a conference in 20 min. What am I doing⌠when am I not horny for this man.
warning: iii smut duhhhhhhhhhh
â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘
Morning light filtered through the room. The Saturday morning you two had been dying to spend together in peace was finally here. iii had been busy with the preparation of the tour. You had been swallowed by your nine-to-five job. Both came home drained and exhausted. Both with no desire to do anything other than sit in fluffy sweats and watch silly movies. But today was supposed to be different. You two had planned out the whole day together. Just you two and all the little things you loved doing before the chaos of life took that away.
You stirred slowly. A smile instantly spread over your face as you felt the warmth of your boyfriend next to you. Light snores still leaving his lips. You nuzzled closer, kissing his left shoulder as you inched towards his neck, cuddling deeper into his chest. iiiâs arms almost immediately wrapped around your torso as he pulled you slightly higher onto his body.
âMorning..â, he muttered groggily, eyes still closed. âMorning, darlingâ, you mused, brushing your fingers through his hair. iii hummed at the feeling, turning his head closer to your touch. âHow did you sleep?â, you muttered, knowing that he needed his rest before all the insanity of the upcoming shows. âWith you next to me - it was perfectâ, he nodded lazily, pealing one eye open to look at you. Making you giggle as you leaned in to kiss his lips. The movement left you hooking one leg over his torso as you pushed up against his chest. His palm met the back of your neck as iii pulled you into him.
You grunted into the kiss, rocking your hips slightly, âyouâre alright hard?â, pulling apart you couldnât help but giggle. âIâm not the only one excited to wake up to my girlfriend, okayâ, iii shrugged, pushing your hips back and forth as you moved against his boxer shorts. Feeling the material getting damper immediately. A slight blush crept onto your cheeks.
âiiiâ, you whispered, brushing your nails across his lower stomach. âLooks like youâre excited too, huh,â pressing a palm to your back, bracing your fall, iii pushed you off him. Instantly crawling over your body instead. You kept your legs wrapped around him, feeling his hard on brushing between your folds, making you bite your lip. âVery annoying this shirt donât you think?â, hooking a finger over the shirt you had on, iii pulled it up. Licking his lips at the sight of your hardened nipples.
âYouâre so fucking prettyâ, he hummed, kissing the valley of your breast before letting his tongue swirl around one of the peaks, sucking onto it softly. âiiiâ, you whispered, fingers threading through his hair as you pulled at the blond strands, before pushing him down even further. âIf I spread your legs open, would I find you all nice and wet, baby?â, he muttered against your skin, sending a shiver down your back as you nodded eagerly. âShow me thenâ, he breathed and you instantly grabbed for his wrist, pulling his hand between your thighs, messily coating them in your arousal. iii grunted against your neck, âAll this creamy goodness just for me?â, rubbing your slick folds up and down before pushing a finger into your already soaked vagina. âJesus, fuck yesâ, you clung to his bicep. Arching your back as you tried to take more of him.
âSo responsive this morningâ, iii chuckled. âYou having touched me in two weeks, assholeâ, you grunted, slowly fucking yourself over his finger, as iii watched. You two had been to rung out for sex most nights. You didnât blame him. It was just that both of you were fully drained by life. âI could cum from your voice aloneâ, you whimpered as iii pulled his hand away. âShould we test that theory?â, he asked, but you yanked at his boxers instead, âIf you donât give me that dick, I swear iiiâ, you grunted, letting your hand swirl over the precum-coated tip, spreading it all over his girth. iii threw his head back, buckling his hips into your palm. âStill want to just talk?â, you teased him, keeping the steady rhythm as you worked him up.
Throwing the covers off you both, iii quickly followed the plush sheets with his boxes. Replacing your hand with his own as he watched you spread out against the white sheets, slowly cupping your breast. âI could bust just watching youâ, he mused, pulling your leg up, and kissing down your calf. âNext time maybeâ, you reached out pulling him closer, âThis time bust instead meâ, iii grunted at your words, making you chuckle.
âI fucking love youâ, he mused, pressing the very tip against your entrance, pushing ever so slightly into you, before withdrawing. âI love you but pleaseâŚâ, your voice raised an octave as iii thrusted almost all the way, making your eyes roll back. âFuck youâre so tightâ, he nibbled at your shoulder, littering your naked chest with kisses. The sound of your juices gushing around his cock, filled the quiet room.
âCloserâ, you pleaded, holding onto his shoulder as you pulled his chest over yours, iii instinctively pulling your legs to wrap around his torso. You could feel him deep inside you, nudging all the right places as he bottomed out every time, making you clench around him. Thatâs until he pushed your legs back apart, hooking his hands from beneath your hips. âIâm suddenly thirstyâ, he mewled, âiiiâ, you whimpered, knowing full well what was about to go down. âGive me your champagne shower, loveâ, he smirked, before pulling you down onto his cock full force leaving you grasping for sheets around you.
You cried out, feeling the knot inside you unraveling. âCome on babyâ, he urged, thrusting into you, âyouâre close, I can tellâ, he mused. âiiiâ, you whimpered, feeling the overwhelming pleasure blinding you, pushing at his hands, even though you donât have the slightest desire for him to stop. âBe a good fucking girl and cum for meâ, he cooed at you, bringing one of his palms between your legs, drawing circles.
âBaby⌠fuckâ, you cried out his name, arching from the mattress as your orgasm hit you, making black spots dance all over your vision. âThere you goâ, iii mused, âFuckingâŚshitâ, his thrusts faltered as he too spilled deep inside you, warming your body from within. But his thrusts picked up once more, igniting the smoldering fire once more.
âNoâ, you pleaded but iii only nods, âYes babyâ, your sensitive walls clenching around him as he bottoms out once more, rapidly circling your clit as he pushes your legs to bend at your knees, eyes already fixed on the spectacle. âAhhh.. iiiâ, you cry out, tears leaking down your cheeks as the tide breaks once more. Gushes of your arousal wetting the sheets. iii pulled out, bending to lap at your puffy folds. Licking your thighs as he went along, your hands pressing into his prickly undercut, fully sending you into a sensory overload.
âSuch a good girlâ, he praised, kissing your stomach as he hovered over you once more. Your eyes meet for a brief moment before he leaned in to kiss you. Hungrily sharing the flavor of you two. âYou did so wellâ, he pulled back, brushing the strand of hair away from your face. âYou know they say slow morning sexâŚâ, you breathed out, making iii chuckle, âYou and I both know that we donât do slowâ, âI think Iâm awareâŚâ, you let out a huff, heart still beating fast. You two laid there for a moment before iii broke the silence, âI wanna go for a second helpingâ, âDonât you dareâ, you batted his arm away but he was already smirking. âiiiâ, you warned him before breaking into a giggle as he wiggled his eyebrows, âNot my fault that you are my favorite flavor, loveâ.
#sleep token x reader#sleep token imagine#sleep token x you#sleep token fanfiction#sleep token iii imagine#sleep token iii x you#sleep token iii x reader#sleep token iii smut#sleep token smut#sleep token iii fanfiction#iii sleep token smut#iii sleep token x reader#iii sleep token imagine
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Fic Request for @fidgetmetimbers! "Something sweet with Edwin and Thomas"
This got very fluffy and schmoopy! I hope you like it!
Edwin felt something shift next to him where he lay and smiled to himself. He wasn't surprised when he had discovered that the Cat King was a cuddler.
The night before had been... Wonderful, to put it simply.
He had been going on dates with Thomas for a handful of months at this point and every part of it had felt like an adventure in self-discovery. He hadn't realised just how much he would be capable of once he started to become comfortable in a romantic relationship. It was still so new and fresh, but Thomas made it so easy to sink into the new dynamic between them.
He had been so patient and accommodating, and had openly expressed his own wants and expectations, and it had greatly helped in acclimating him to being in a relationship. What could have very well been intimidating for him was made easy and relatively seamless.
The open discussion, and easy answering of any questions he had, helped shake any remaining nerves around seeming inexperienced. It didn't matter. They were discovering everything together and Thomas having more intimate experience was never something that made him feel in any way inferior as a partner.
The night prior, they had hardly been able to keep their hands off of each other as they went about their date. He supposed that it must have been a bit much for anyone able to see them, but he couldn't find it within himself to care.
They had walked, talked, laughed together. Thomas had gotten a cup of whipped cream from a coffee shop and when he had gotten some at the corner of his mouth, Edwin had felt confident enough in the moment to lean down and kiss it off. The subtle taste of sand be damned. It was worth it just for the expression it had left on his lover's face.
At the end of their date, neither of them had wanted to part ways and so they hadn't. Thomas had used his magic to counjur some soft pyjamas and they had snuggled up together under the thick duvet.
Edwin shuffled closer, himself and lifted the blanket a bit to get a look at Thomas' face as he slept. He really was beautiful. Moreso when he was off guard, and truly relaxed. He always felt himself drawn to this soft, pink lips, the delicate curve of his cupids bow, the small scar on the left (Thomas' left). They begged to be kissed. Or, perhaps it was Edwin that begged to be kissed by them.
Now, knowing that it was allowed, he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to those lips, to the scar, then to Thomas' cheeks and nose and forehead and when he pulled back, those golden eyes were looking back at him in affectionate wonderment.
"Having fun?" Thomas' voice was raspy with sleep.
Edwin smiled, "Indubitably." punctuating it with another quick kiss to Thomas' forehead.
"Oh? Indubitably? My boyfriend is fancier than your boyfriend~" Thomas purred, snuggling against Edwin's arm (that was conveniently placed under his head like a pillow).
Edwin used his free hand to brush a few stray curls from Thomas' face. "Not possible, I'm afraid. You see, my boyfriend is a King."
Thomas let out a mock gasp and batted his eyes at Edwin. "Oh my, I do apologise for my audacious mistake. I hope that you can find it in your heart to overlook my blunder."
"I suppose I am feeling rather gracious, though it will require adequate penance." Edwin couldn't help the broad smile, despite trying to keep his tone as serious as he could in jest.
"Oh, thank you! I'll do anything! What price must I pay to make this up to you?"
"Hmm." Edwin pretended to contemplate it for a moment. "Your debt shall be paid in one hundred kisses."
"One hundred kisses? I better get started~" Thomas grinned as he leant up, one hand on Edwin's shoulder, and kissed him all over his face, counting as he went. "That was twenty-five, I'm a quarter of the way done~" He leaned back up and placed several quick pecks to Edwin's lips, before being caught.
Edwin leaned in to the last peck and drew it out, deepening it, reveling in it, basking on every second. It was inevitable that Thomas started purring, especially as Edwin's free hand found it's way back to his hair.
Edwin pulled back only when Thomas needed a moment to breathe, and carefully pressed their foreheads together, their noses just barely brushing.
"I love you." Edwin said, with all the surety in his heart.
"You love me?" Thomas echoed it in question, expression suddenly so vulnerable, not unlike when Edwin had called him out over their shared loneliness.
"I love you dearly." Edwin reinforced, placing another peck to Thomas' lips before pulling back a little further, to look at him properly. "I can no longer imagine a future without you in it."
"You can't?" Thomas' voice was small, though the purring was still a constant.
"What would a day be without seeing your face at least once? How much duller? How much more colourless would life be without your wonderfully flamoyant presence?" Edwin smiled. He knew he was being dramatic, and yet he also believed his own words with certainty. "Thomas, you add so much happiness and love to my life, I could never dream of being without you now."
"I love you too." Thomas swallowed thickly, finding it hard to contain his emotions, especially when Edwin looked at him like that; in that way that made it impossible to find any sort of fault in his words. "You have to know that."
"Of course I know. You show it to me all the time. It would be impossible to miss, even if I weren't such an excellent detective." Edwin smirked as Thomas playfully rolled his eyes.
"You're so modest, it's really admirable." Thomas struggled not to laugh.
"Yes, I really am the whole package, aren't I? You are a lucky cat indeed." Edwin teasesd. Heavens knew that he thought himself a lucky ghost.
Thomas' expression softened and he smiled gently up at Edwin. It was almost reverant. "I really am."
#dead boy detectives#catwin#save dead boy detectives#dbda#the cat king#edwin payne#thomas the cat king#Edwin paine#Cat king#Fic requests
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I didn't think the Bible and The Pilot would make Sense and Insensitivity even more suspicious than it was... but it did...
The Lunter kiss really is going to haunt me forever...
#lunter#they literally made Luz's self insert kiss Hunter's beta design...#the ears are different but the hair is the same length and his profile is the same#how am I supposed to sleep at night knowing what I know...#they made a point abt how people shouldn't be punished for shipping what they want... in the first episode... and then they made#that whole ass kiss a thing in SAI... um... I need answers tbh
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the headcanon that regis can hang from the ceiling to sleep or rest like a bat is funny on its own, but when i consider geralt and others in the hanza holding conversations with him like this, itâs made better by my understanding of this as just an advanced ��neurodivergent sittingâ technique
#in an irl au i suppose he could be doing an upside down yoga pose. that would fit irl au regis well. ugh#the better headcanon is angoulĂŞme walking in their room. going â[head nod up] cahir. whereââ#and cahir (not looking up) points to the ceiling on the other side of the room. also in total darkness btw no candles lit on that side#i imagine that when someone else walks to their roomâs door and knocks. for example letâs say dandelion for instance#dandelionâs hardly a stranger but he did that thing where your friend stops hanging out with you because theyâre busy with their gf#he knocks and immediately regis is suddenly sitting in bed like a normal person . and he put his eyeglasses on and pretended to read#oh hi dandelion i didnt recognize your footsteps#my⌠footsteps?#this is actually kind of bullshit though because the only person more talkative than dandelion at night is regis (angouleme close third)#so if dandelion ever wanted to discuss meaning of life at 2 am i know where he would go#sorry cahir. put a pillow over your ear#the elbow-high diaries#edit: no actually he would bother geralt with this#edit edit: no actually he and geralt were âon a breakâ (unresolved tension) so he wouldnât. but he would want to#angoulĂŞme goes to their room too often to chill and hang out#milva goes to their room and cahir and regis stand at attention like yes maâam. what do you need#hi milva how are things â(your ongoing mental health crisis)#if geralt walks in starts talking with regis. cahir leaves the room. âim going to um. check on the horsesâ#its 12 am. horses are sleeping. ? answer; he is being a considerate roommate. he had to share bunks before. he knows how It Is
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brocal for the ship bingo?
The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)
Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.
Read More to save ppl's dashboards:
I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore
((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))
Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.
Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.
EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:
"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"
Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))
They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.
Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]
I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.
Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?
Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)
They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.
'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i
To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.
So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)
Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]
Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who
Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.
Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))
Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.
The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]
Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?
Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.
Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.
Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.
[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]
Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.
One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.
#apologies for being entirely unhinged about brocal. this isnt even the half of it#the-meat-machine#asked#praying my internet posts this in one go in the correct format. rip to everyones dashboard if it doesnt#im not turning on my pc to correct it if i cant fix an upload error from mobile#homestuck#brocal#otp5eva#stridercest#long post#Cori.exe#Post.exe#im like staring at my phone scared to hit the post button bc if tumblr has a fit then idk what ill do#and its like okay i could just put my phone down and go to sleep.#but what if tumblr decides to post it AFTER IM ASLEEP AND CLOGS EVERYONE WHOS FOLLOWING ME'S DASH#if that readmore doesnt save where its supposed to... (has happened before)... i am genuinely so fucking sorry.#oh oKAY WAIT compromise. ill save it as a draft first so the bulk of the upload happens privately in case something goes wrong#bc knowing my internet and how i was fighting hyperlinks last night and today that still wont work. something is gonna go wrong#fingers crossed the draft saves tho i dont wanna copy all this shit from the 'in case of emergency' screenshots i took lol#anyway i really need to get ready for bed fuck lol literally took me hours to type this and its not even polished ughh#toxic yaoi guard puppet#omg tho 'lil cal top surgery' idea had me dying when i remembered theres canon cal sewn up like that#i gotta remember to post that separately tmr#i got this post draftes and gna post now. im seeby#oh wait#puppets#suggestive#striders#man if i wish i started w the last point but i dont have the energy to reorder everything#nini im going seep 4r this time
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Really feeling that post abt how yearning and loneliness is great until you're curled up on your bed whimpering at the ache in your chest like a wounded dog. are we cooked chat.
#in the words of dad rock icons shinedown: ITS 4AM AND I CANT SLEEP#why am i haunted by things. things of the past and of the present#is it missing people who stopped thinking about me long before i stopped thinking about them?#who in the daylight hours i can disdain and scoff at but at night i can admit i miss the ease with which we once existed?#i wonder how they're doing now. i see their updates from a distance things i would have once celebrated alongside them#im happy for them. it shadows me. im happy i know theyre well. i wish i never heard of it#or is it the overthinking of the now? is it because of the past?#is everyone doomed to be ghosts. is there beauty in that#is it anxiety to feel so out of place in places and people that felt. feel. like home#do i know what home is meant to feel like? to miss? i suppose ill find out soon.#is it just because of the fact its 4am? is this just the fact i havent eaten much recently. am i not exercising enough or drinking enough.#how can i stop the loneliness that never seems to go away before i become a ghost haunting my own life#OR is it all just bc i read a really bittersweet and haunting fanfic that ruined me#haha gotcha im actually big chillin and sad abt fictional lil guys (said very unconvincingly)
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think this is funny. anyway. the Thoughts are back at it again
#just me hi#doodles#Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Characterssssssssssssssssssss#[<- projecting things so hard it's experiencing Physical Effects] Lmao#what if . what if the. the. they. the. you know what i mean ??#LIKE. [stares over your shoulder]#head in hands. what am i supposed to do about this gbfhsbvhf#//btw how is it only a thursday lol#it should be friday. or saturday. the timing is long this week i think !#that's#//<- forgot what i was going to say lol; my previous tags popped up and i think that's fun hfbhvs :3#here they are:#that's crazy!#that's me!#that's insane#that's crazy#that's it#hfhbsfh - i seem to be regularly bewildered hfbvhsf#which. well yea lol#//oh yea guess who's halfway done with those refssssss :3#it's meeeeeeeeee :DD !! i'm almost done !! :D#i am enjoying it a bit more than i thought. the feeling of Have To is a real bog hgfsh#//speaking of bog guess who ALSO got their sleep thing figured out#i may just have busted sleeping habits lmao; staying up til 12-2 is actually so great#i wake up at a reasonable hour and don't feel like a mixture of cement and pop rocks got poured into my body and soul overnight hfbshfvh#plus sleeping in twos is working pretty well; stay up til an ungodly hour one night and then the second go to sleep at about 11 or 12#cuz then i can actually Sleep! it's working pretty well hfvhs :>>#//that and i'm figuring out how to drag myself through stuff w/o some outside force compelling me :33#frequent breaks help with morale (if i don't forget what i was doing while doing that lol) and 30 minute timers are a godsend fr fr fr#//AH i've run outta tag space - ciao from here then i guess hfsbvh !! :>
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#supposed to put away my phone at night or whatever#but i can't sleep#the thoughts are too damn loud#im so lonely#I'm utterly surrounded by loved ones and people who care about me and I'm so fucking alone#what's wrong with me#why can't i just be happy#why can't i appreciate how much i have#why am i so fucking desperate for approval and validation#why do i need it so badly?#why the fuck am i like this#god my head hurts so bad#everything is in pain my body is on fire all the time#I'm trying so fucking hard#I'm trying#I swear I'm trying#but i want to give up so badly#it would be so much easier#Everything hurts#........everything hurts so much......#.....i just want to fall asleep in someone's arms#i. I-im so desperately touch starved#i didn't know it could get this bad#i always have been but it's never been. *this* bad#hhhhhh#......f-fuck......#.......im sorry....#i don't know what for i don't know who I'm apologizing to#....but i#.....ii-im sorry
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on my hands and knees begging for my body to let me sleep. please. please. just let me fucking sleep what do you WANT FROM ME.
#đŞ.text#i woke up. at 2 a-fucking-m#and i am not confident that i ever fell back asleep.#i have been waking up at 4-5 am almost every day for the past week.#why.#and for reference i am going to sleep at around 10-10:30.#which is. yes. very early. believe me i'd be staying up later if i could#if i had the energy#AND IF I COULD DO SO WITHOUT SACRIFICING FUCKING SLEEP#but clearly i can't fucking do that!!!!#even 10 isn't fucking early enough with how my body's been!!!#literally the only thing i can think of is around the same time this started is the same time i started going off one of my meds#so MAYBE it's related??? i don't know.#or it could be i'm just getting too hot. because i have woken up really sweaty every time.#but this time i tried using a lighter blanket (aka a sheet) and it was fucking worse!!!#and i was even hotter!#so i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do!!#because there's nothing i can do about the temp of the house because my mom will not allow it to go below 73#and she's still turning the heat on at night#i guess i've never actually asked if we can drop the temp at night#but i just figure the answer will be no so.#maybe i'll just try to cover my vent at night#because it's just been way too warm for the heat to be on#ugh.#anyway lol.#i am. so tired.
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hehe hoho feeling absolute rage!!!!!!!!!
#i thought mothers in laws being the worst human possible was a myth. guess what#GOING BALLISTIC đ#i don't give a shit abt her being all lovey dovey and shit but straight up homophobic and transphobic in my back.#even if after months and months living (hell) with her she never misgendered me nor say anything abt her son being with a man#kinda impressive to be that respectful for this amount of time then in reality being the biggest bigot on earth#like damn. she do be commited to the bit huh (making ppl she's not bothered by my existence) (when in reality she kinda wants me dead)#but like. ALL THE OTHER THINGS.....#IM USED TO THE HATE CRIMED BUT HAVE TRULY LESS TOLERANCE ABT THE TURMOIL BF IS GOING THROUGH BC OF HER LOL#thank fuck so many good ppl who also know who horrible she is are supporting bf with me#the more i learn abt her the more!!!!!! im loosing my temper lmao help im never angry what am I supposed to do with all this#IT'S NOT ONLY SHIT SHE DOES TO HER OWN SON SHE'S TERRIBLE WITH OTHER PPL đđđđ#i want so badly to warn that company abt the abuse she did to one of the worker going there but i caaaan't#and god knows it reminds me of my groomer and how there's a risk she could do that to other ppl if no one does anything đ#I mean abt my groomer it is a certainty as he did abuse another wee lad after me and started with another lass and. idk what he's up to now#and it does not help with sleeping at night. but anyway hoping that she won't pull out shit like that with the other workers#she drove everybody working at that company away for having the reputation of being absolutely horrible anyway lmao đđđđ#sorry for renting no one gives a shit but im simply!!!! loosing it ++++++#need to find a way to channel this anger now lol help!!!!!!!! what do now#tomtom_is_rambling#tomtom_is_venting
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literally why am always like. feeling so inhernetly inferior to everyone
#idk why im feeling this way but i also dont know how not to . bc like i kinda am !!#like when the thing i make are not as beautiful or well made and the things i say not as interesting or smart or funny#and the things i do not as interesting or cool or fun and things i like not as smart or meaningful or important#and yes fuck it the way i look not as beautiful !! ik im not supposed to care but i do okay#idk in what way im not worse than everyone else#and i just wish i was as good as everyone else yk. or at least that i didnt feel like i wasnt if i really secretly am somehow#UGH i get like this every night#idk if its my brain going wild when i need to sleep or just everything im feeling deep down getting overwhelming in a way#and bubbling up. but i also felt miserable this morning so maybe not#and least i feel just useless to others and no activley harmful to them anymore ! an improvement ig#flappy rambles#vent#bro ihate doing this but im just going to go to bed now bc i rly need it#luce if ur reading this im sorry but ilusm gnight love <3
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istg one of these days.......
#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game#one of my fave posts ever in the world#anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me#its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush đ#ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that đđ#like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay#bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS#anyway my resolve weakens with every đ emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!!#its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought#so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy#but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr#itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST#i wouldnt do that to him god forbid#buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am#this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night#need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:|#its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves#i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good#ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone#muah all round#.diaries
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#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety
#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day#ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive#but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in#that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it#not my finest moment#tales from diana#i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing#for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to#but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me#to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there#as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there#and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back#to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders#i hope. i hope i hope i hope
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