#house professionals you will need
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walking through lucanis' mind prison. the tam lin of it all
#his mind keeps changing forms and you just have to show him you won't let go of him#it doesn't even really matter what you say to him just that you're consistently there to say it. your voice is a comfort. im in pain#I'm having so many feelings about like... rook can't be here. because of all things in the world rook means 'safe'. what if I exploded#what if I just shattered into a thousand pieces and was swept away by the wind actually#'it's better that I stay here than risk losing you' is such pitch perfect trauma logic. freeze logic specifically#on some level he seems to think he keeps rook safe like. existentially. by staying here#it's heartbreaking child magical thinking that makes me wonder like. has he basically been in a place like this inside#ever since his parents died? before that? the ossuary is just new set dressing the underlying logic is OLD. and very very sad to me#'I keep everyone safe by staying here'#(and then the perfect hilarity of having an actual demon be like 'ROOK. YOU TALK TO HIM HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME'#tfw your inner demon gets worried enough to stage an intervention and get you therapy whether you want it or not lmao)#dragon age#dragon age spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#rook x lucanis#lucanis dellamorte#rookanis#rye staying mostly in gentle professional mode for this one b/c this is literally his training#('I may not be batting a hundred at being a person but I DO know how to deal with fade shenanigans! not to worry I've got you')#except in that last part with the illario mind ghost where he roundaboutly admits 'I need you I don't know how to do this without you'#in rye speak that is very big it's like. third base of his soul or something. we do not ask for things for ourselves in this house#(because we already know we will not receive anyway so that sounds both humiliating and ultimately pointless. no thank you!)#and yet. the things we'll admit for love#the feeling that some of the things varric did for rye immediately post-exile rye is paying forward with lucanis now. don't look at me
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One of the interesting bits of trying to resume working on the game after so long is looking back at my ancient Draft Placeholder versions of an image from 4 yrs ago trying to remember what the hell I meant back then, to hopefully interpret it into some more final (ish..) form of the same thing .. making slow progress lol
#At this point I've decided it's just a consistent design decision to have the sketchy slightly wonky sort of art ghbjj#I simply don't have the digital art skills/tools/patience (mostly that) to do 100% digital things and have a Clean Polished Professional#Neat Looking Perfect Crisp Lines sort of thing like one would see in most games. I'm drawing everything in pencil half decently (not strict#ly making sure every line is straight or that the perspective even makes sense) and then scanning it in and coloring it on the computer#and that's about it. In another world I could hire an artist or two to do professional backgrounds and charcter art or etc. - but as I am#a mere penniless peasant hermit with functioning issues who has to do every aspect of everything themselves - I'm just going to do#what is possible within the time frame/my ability/etc. and then just be like ''ah you see! actually this is intentional~ it has a homemade#crafty hand drawn sort of charm about it - yes? this was the direction all along!!'' LOL#Which for the record I'm not like complaining that it's necssarily Bad or anything - more just I suppose not the Professional Polished#style you Typically see in a lot of things - again the like - sketchy unclean lines of it all.#(like I think usually people use some sort of symmetry tool to make sure that all sides of a box are neat and clean and have that#Professional Game Art type of feel about them - rather than 'this is a scan of scraggily pencil lines in which I did not even bother to use#a ruler or try to get them all that even' lol). So it's not that it's BAD really.#just I think.. perhaps ''unconventional'' compared to the examples of other#games I've looked at. BUT. the point is to convey an idea. I think your art has failed if you do not convey a concept properly. But so#long as it meets your purposes and is not SOO cluttered/scribbly that nobody can even tell what's going on (unless that IS your intention)#then like.. I think it's fine. You can tell a house is a house even if it's not polished. No worries. (<convincing myself)#ANYWAY.. also 'Nanyevimi Market Quest' is still SUCH a placeholder name but I genuinely can never think of anything else so#I've just been going with it for now ToT... There's no distinct actual throughline story/plot so there's no 'theme' to base a title#around. Kind of like how 'The Sims' is just called the sims because naming it like 'Sims: Downfall Of Pleasantview' (one of the#towns in TS2 i think) would be a weird misname since what happens in the game totally depends on what you choose to do with it#So you can't really name it anything THAT specific (a player might not even choose to have a house in Pleasantview. what then? etc).#So it's just like..uh well...GENERALLY speaking.. everyone is uh.. on a personal quest..vaguely.. which takes place in a Market street full#of shops.. and you are mostly talking to shopkeepers... BUT it's not just a Market Quest since it's also in a fantasy world.. so we need to#give the fantasy world name.. and that's about it. I'm just at a loss for anything else. Maybe the like 2 and a half playtesters I#manage to scrounge up will have better ideas ghhh.. 'Nanyevimi Quest: Get To Know Some Shopkeepers' 'Find A Job In Fantasy World' you could#say 'Market Adventure' but some would argue just having a bunch of conversations and wandering around is not much of a real adventure.#don't want to set people up for thinking there's any drama or combat or anything. 'Do Menial Errands For Mentally Ill Elves Simulator' ghjg#(also sidenote: the '''chibi'' style versions of the characters on the menu screen....EVIL.. that style is SOOO hard for me to draw in for#some reason.. I just can't get the proportions right/have trouble fully ''simplifying'' the design.. took me HOURS lol... aUGHh)
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Problematic take of the day: Thinking Out Loud isn't offensive DID rep because Galen is a close and personal friend of mine and not just another "serial killer alter" trope. Also that bitch deserved to die.
#the thing about steve and reece is its basically impossible for them do anything like that insensitively#like do you know how much research those goons do. they need every little detail perfect for tbeir writing and i love that cus me too bitch#AND IT SHOWS! the episode is actually really well done like they mention gatekeepers for once?? and talk about why persecutors are Like Tha#i'm not professionally diagnosed so I understand if my opinion is invalid to you but yea. I love nadia and her system so much#plural posting#? i guess lol#wolf speaks#inside no 9#reece shearsmith#steve pemberton#adding more ramble tags why not this is my house lol#just wanted to add also it's not a 'lazy twist' because there were plenty of seeds#writing bill's name in big capital RED letters#the different names and different handwriting#the names are all anagrams of each other#there are little glimpses into the reality of living with a dissociative disorder and how the characters are all connected#i really like how they did it personally like it felt as natural and clever as any other in9 episode
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Reading some more books about autism ! I don't quite know if I'm on the spectrum (a lot of tests seem to lean towards yes) but still! A lot of them make the very lonely person inside me feel seen and understood a little more than before :]
#im not gonna lie im a little hesitant to get seriously tested. a lot of professionals think its a trendy tik tok thing and i have a feeling#that i wouldnt be taken seriously anyway#besides in the us theres pretty much no benefit to being professionally diagnosed as an adult and only consequences#i also think i need to find a therapist who specializes in cptsd cuz boy howdy. theres a lot of other stuff underlying that has sat dusty#in my brain for a long time#i just need a psychologist thats willing to get down and dirty with my trauma because i sure am not good at it on my own#also if anyone knows anytging about house fires leaving you technically homeless at the age of 9 and how that affected you in life.#shoot it my way lol
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#oh boy#the thing about offering help to people#they really. truly. need to be willing to accept it.#and when they arent. theres not much you can do.#i got a client last week who has one of the worst homes i have ever seen in my life#i did not know it was possible for a house to be so bad#whatever youre imagining its probably worse than that#and like. we want to help. there *is* help. help is not the issue#the issue is accepting that you *need* it. the issue is acknowledging that you are overwhelmed with your life and cant do it on your own#the issue is having to give up some autonomy in exchange for a more bearable living situation#(in this case that means: someones gotta professionally deep clean this place and throw everything out whether you like it or not.)#the issue is that when it comes down to it we will grant people their autonomy every time. and rightfully so.#but the price for that is knowing that they will eventually be killed by their own waste and theres nothing you can do about it
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I say this a lot, I’m sorry for not posting lately. I’m only really making the occasional doodles but haven’t had any luck getting realized ideas on the canvas, I’ve just been super stressed and upset and there’s a lot going on at work rn. Hoping to take some time for myself and make art when things die down again!!!!!
#I’m trying really hard to get into therapy and/or move out this year#rly just need to do something good for myself#but at my job it’s currently inventory season and we’re understaffed and I just haven’t been getting out much#it’s hard!!! I don’t leave my house enough#so I am gonna try try try to keep a promise to myself to get better and to see some professional help#love you all!! thanks for waiting on me
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Kind of obsessed with Pam stardew valley. Btw. If anyone even CARES
#She’s an alcoholic. She’s a professional driver. All her quests are worded as ‘Pam needs item’#Like Pam is thirsty or Pam needs juice#She cannot be normal about anything#She sits down at the bar and immediately blacks out#She refuses to pay her tab until the business is literally going under#She lives in a trailer and you can build her a house#For fucks sake she’s incredible#I love her so much she makes me chuckle every time I see her#Playing with my friend I’d say ‘PAM’ very aggressively out loud every time I saw her just out of thrill#It’s PAM#Fucking. Who let this woman drive professionally. Why.#Once I talked to her actively at the bus stop talking about needing a beer#And just down the road Harvey was like. ‘Do you know how horrible it feels to fail to save a life?’#PAM COMMITTED A HIT AND RUN DRUNK AS SHIT#HARVEYS GOING MENTAL HELPING ALL THESE PEOPLE#stardew#stardew valley#stardew pam
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If you became super rich and could design your own house, but could only add THREE unnecessary/random/expensive home additions (like how people will have bowling alleys, movie theatres, closets with museums of shoes, car display rooms, spa rooms, wine cellars, etc. in their mansions) - what three would you choose?
#I think I would have: an indoor pool (but like heavily customized with a faux weather system so I could get the feeling of swimming in#rain or fog or snow etc.). a very small arcade consisting only of skee-ball and DDR machines. and an old Library Room with authentic#historical furniture/interior design to store old books/tapestries/study room equipment/whatever other antiques I'd collect. It'd be#like some fully intricate movie set or something that would feel completely like stepping into another world/time.#Though I might would trade out the arcade for a roller skating rink.. i DO love skating....#And I wouldve put rock climbing gym because I love indoor rock climbing but.. as I understand it they have to change out the rock things#on the walls every once in a while so that you can have new routes and it doesnt get boring. and I'd rather have an activty room thats like#self sustaining and doesnt require me to hire some person to come switch things around once every month. Otherwise I would#totally do that instead.#I'm also personally not counting ''craft'' type stuff like having a pottery room kiln sort of thing because#that doesn't count as 'unnessecary' to me. since stuff like that would not at all be just a hobby I 'happen to#do sometimes for fun'#but would definitely be a career sort of thing. Like if I had the money for a fully stocked sculpture room and and a sewing room#with a good machine and etc. then I would literally be professionally selling pottery and designing clothing and etc.#so I wouldn't count it as 'just a random side room I dont need' etc.#The same way that if I played tennis professionally or as a very intense hobby that takes up most of my life/time#then I wouldn't count having a tennis court in your house to practice in as 'unncesscarry' etc.#wow that is the worst I have ever spelt that word ghbjh#Un Cess Carry#ALSO would obviously have an underground bunker of some sort with food and emergency supplies which also does not count as unnecessary to m#since it's literally like... survival.. And I thought most health organizations literally reccomend that even#the common person has a small 'go bag' prepared in their house. and like an evacuation plan in case of fire or other things#It WOULD be an unnecessary rich person thing to have a full on undergRound village or something stocked with 9000 guns and#whaetever. but I think just a basic emergency room with basic supplies could still be counted under the 'not unnecessary' requirement.#Like I would say that a sprawling courtyard of flower gardens and fountains and hedge mazes that takes up like a hundred thousand#dollars a year in maintenance would count as one of the three 'unnecessary and expensive' things. But having a small garden in the#back yard with a few planters in a little greenhouse or whatever would not. The 'excessiveness' of the thing matters lol#ANYWAY!!!#Just curious what other peoples Three Main things would be... hrrmm
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had an amazing interview yesterday.... was told I'd know by Monday.... but it's alleged they DRUG TEST and I just bought 6 packs of weed edibles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#AND!!!!! AND!!!!!! IVE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!#i guess ill know monday if i can get high that night or tuesday but like.... i want to have one now lmao#like.... the paper i signed was more worried about being drunk on the jo#and OBVIOUSLY i wouldnt show up to my folder customer service job high off my ass..... but that thc can stay in your system for awhilw#i had one last nigbt tk celebrate the interview so idk if im even in the clear to begin with#and like.... i told them my start date would ve the 20th & im out of town vefore that so the goal is like.... they go to achedule#and we have to schedule it way out so i have time to like.....not worry & get my pee clean#like.... it wouldnt matter so much if my parents werent LEAVING this E N T I R E week... like.... this is MY vacatioj too!!!!!#and i just bought it after a horrid week 😭😭😭😭😭 worked my ass of it for it in order to relax this week#like#i know i shouldnt be dependent on it and im really trying not to ve#but the anti-anxiety relaxing of it all helps so much#and im reeeeeally not the biggest fan of drinking....i pee too much 😭😭😭😭😭 ironically 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like.... at this point.... its like..... do i care about getting this job more than i care about letting my brain and body relax this week#i always put myself first & listen to my heart & soul to dictate what to do#but my mind just keeps thinking about getting that failed drug test back and going back to the job hunt#but im still IN the job hi t#*hunt#AND HERES THE THING!!!! walking around that damn office.... seeing what people were wearing.....#its professional but i know damn well theres people in there smoking weed#like.... 25 of the 50 employees i saw showed up in casual loungepants these people are not prestigious#and like.... the paper i signed.... they didnt even edit to include the company name????#it kept saying “the Company will not like you to drink on the clock and assumes you will not get behind company vechiles drunk either”#like.... tooooootally understandable i just wanna eat some edibles before im an official employee of your folder business my loves#let me have a 50mg and zone out for the night while im finally free from all these losers..... PLEASE#anyways......personal problems that my brain needs to expel so it doesnt tumble all around for the next few houes#WHILE I DOORDASH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck me#like..... i got this interview through indeed ill just keep going till i cant if it fails
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Apollo with thick eyebrows and freckles and body hair is my truth. He's a small tank also. Wide. He works out bc 1: he does not want to ever be called a twink and 2: it helps with stress and God knows he is STRESSED. Oh also he's trans. Also when his hair is un-gelled it looks almost exactly like trucy's, his lil bunny ears curl around his face all cute and he hates it which is why he gels it back so aggressively
#apollo justice#hes my ideal transition goals ngl#like the image of him in my head is like yes. yes this is what i want to be someday.#he has inspired me to finally talk to my dr about being trans and wanting to seek transition#im goig to be really really clear abouty dysphoria being one of the biggest sources of anxiety and depression for me#and it making me feel so bad i dont even want to leave the house sometimes bc i dont pass well usually#bc you never want to undersell your dysphoria to a doctor or therapist. if anything you should oversell it to ensure you can get care#like you dont have to say you want to die or anything bc thats always risky to tell any medical professional but like.#but always tell them it makes you hate yourself even if its not true#if you need to lie about what exactly your gender identity is to get the type of care you need too then fucking do it#doctors will not give a nonbinary person HRT 90% of the time sometimes u need to fib a little about your gender to get what u need!!!!
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Me: hello small, local, but professional, theater. I was wondering how I'd go about trying to do tech work for you? I'm a student looking for early professional work in this field
Theatre: well, we're only looking for professionals, but I can give you the information for some community theatres you can volunteer at
Me: .......did you even listen to a single word I said
#they are fucking TINY#they dont even have permanent seating!#bitch im not walking onto broadway asking for a job you are a minuscule theatre#in the middle of nowhere michigan#I gace you the context of actively studying this and looking for professional work#what the fuck#this isnt the fucking wharton center or the detroit opera house#you dont even need to actually give me the job just give me the actual fucking information i asked for#which was how to apply to work here!#hestia rambles#'looking for professionals' what level of professional do you think is going to work here????#because the successful ones are gonna move on to shakespeare festivals and proper theatre districts#in major cities#seriously even if they dont hire me GIVE ME THE FUCKING INFORMATION
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Weeping sobbing shitting my dick WHY DID I MOVE IN WITH A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST
#mars says stuff#uggghhh itll be FINE#im just fed up with how she expects me to ve borderline professional and oh so considerate all the time#but she treats me like a dog/patient when im doing things right and like an grown evil mysoginist man when I fuck up#the fuckup in question was not cleaning the rug fast enough and the fact my friends didnt clean up after themselves#AND THE FACT SHE LITERALLY KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A NIGHT BC SHE 'needed breathing room'#AFTER I BROUGHT HER FOOD FROM MY MOM THAT SHE ASKED FOR!!!#AND SHE GOT OUR OTHER ROOMMATE TO DO IT BC SHES TOO MUCH OF AN UWU ANXIOUS GIRLY TO DO IT HERSELF#and for all our shared acquaintances their roles in HER life are always more importsnt than mine#and the way she gets so pissed when her mental health suggestions dont work for me/make things worse#like also YOU INVITED ME. TO LIVE WITH YOU. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND#we need to cocreate a life together instead of you just. adding me to yours and I need to fucking bend abd break to fit in#AND ALSO ITS FUCKING DEAD WEEK AND I HAVE A TEST TODAY AND SHE KNOWS THAT BUT DENIED IT LAST NIGHT#at least if things get bad enough I could ruin her fucking life if I need to#i wont. i still love her to death. but if she can kick me out with impunity I can get her fired
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did not have reylo ya author goodreads scandal on my 2023 bingo card but maybe i should've
#i do not run in professional author circles and i've never been published by a big publishing house#and you still need like. one friend who's interacted with these publishing companies#to tell you how difficult it is to even get your foot in the door#the pettiness. this is an opportunity so many people want but can't have. that's already massive. believe in the quality of your work#i recognize i'm biased here because eventually i would like to get a book published professionally#even if i'm only at the start of my fiction career rn#i just know so many talented writers who still can't make a living off their art bc the publishing industry is so bad rn#ren speaks
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woag my doctor might let me get spayed
#i need two (2) letters from mental health professionals#like jessica you could just invite me to your house and do it im not precious about it#ive had surgery on a kitchen table before its nbd jessica
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I swear to god if any of these mfs on my block start blasting some illegal fireworks later tonight imma commit a murder
#that shit is TOO LOUD#you need to do it professionally and not right next to other people's houses#plus it's too close to the ground and extremely dangerous#fireworks#july4th#fourth of july#american independence#america#american#independence day#4th of july#i hate it here#national pride#stupidity#america is insane#god bless america#tw murder mention#illegal fireworks#i hate my neighbors#i like my next door neighbors but some of the people down the street are assholes#sound sensitivity#sensory overload#sensory issues#too loud#sensory processing disorder#spd#i like fireworks but only from far away#i will shot you#i will kill you#i swear to god
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I have wanted to rewrite this entire Rubegetta fic so many times I just need to bite the bullet and finish writing chapter 4
#i talk#fic talk#I wrote out a massive essay working through my frustrations pinpointing what they are#but regardless of said frustrations I just need to sit down and do it#Nothing's gonna be perfect but AGH. It frustrates me#This situation reminds me a bit of my time working at a publishing house#and a coworker was like ''you've GOTTA lower your standards'' because I rejected so many books (I was an editor / acquisitions editor)#and my boss leaned over and was like ''no your standards are perfect''#Professionally I'm a fantastic editor but when it comes to editing my own stuff I am in a prison of my own devising#Sometimes you just gotta get the scribbles out in fic form and free them into the wild
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