#hormone therapy for depression
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I can't be depressed, I ate vegetables two days in a row
#my mental health is in shambles lol#I haven't left my house in 4 days#i slept in until 1pm today which I haven't done in a while#the earliest i fall asleep is 2am#im fucking exhausted#it's so fucking hard to get myself to do anything#my brain won't even let me watch the Olympics even though ive been looking forward to the skateboarding competition#this shit is annoying#and it's annoying because i was so confused why this bout of depression happened#but i just got my first normal period after stopping birth control and that shit always fucks me up mentally#and my grandma just fucking died#so yeah not that surprising lol#also my girlfriend is out of town and i was supposed to go with her and it didn't work out so im sure that's not helping my brain feel okay#its just so fucking annoying because i just want to be okay with everything and not break#at least it's not the 'my brain is telling me to kill myself at all hours of the day' type of depression#but this shit still sucks and i hate it#and i don't want to talk with my girlfriend about it because i don't want her worrying about me and i want her to enjoy her time away#and i dont want to talk to my mom about it because actually i dont really know why i dont want to talk to her about it#im gonna be going back to therapy soon so hopefully that shit helps but who knows#anyway brains sucks and grief is weird and hormones are dumb and i miss my girlfriend#but hey at least my brain is letting me eat vegetables again lol#personal
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Today is a real day.
It’s a “bingewatch old familiar YouTube videos (the Bloodborne playthrough by Game grumps), absolutely ruin your sleep schedule by staying up til 5am reading fic you don’t even enjoy for old fandoms you’re bored with, and start debating the psychological benefits of drinking an amount of whiskey that exceeds the FDA’s maximum recommendations for women while locked away in your study”-type day.
There may or may not be a cannoli involved.
#three guesses to the causes: am I a.) depressed b.) grieving or c.) hormonal. the world will never know#me at 2pm: I don’t need therapy everything is manageable. look I did a chore today#me at 7pm: oh sweet baby Jesus if I don’t talk about this to someone I won’t feel guilty about dumping my emotions on I might genuinely cry#delta.txt
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The frustrating thing about trying to distance oneself from a previous hyperfixation is that... all my fuckin art is just that. And my own art doesn't stir any negative feelings (other than the typical negative feelings an artist is saddled with when viewing their own creations) but I don't really want to work on those things... buuuut starting new shit when I have so many WIPs is annoying to me. Especially when these new projects aren't finished immediately. If I'm going to be slogging it might as well be with something already established.
Then again, I kinda have two things I've already finished over my break, but since I didn't post them immediately upon finishing I just have no will to post, so finishing any projects seems pointless with that particular roadblock in the way.
grrr bark bark wahyyyy.
I know the reason why: I don't want to build myself up, but why draw if I'm not even letting myself be proud of my work?
#vent#I'm healthier I guess but restless#I'm still depressed tho part of it is probably hormonal#I'm a bit scared that continuing to post things featuring that hyperfixation is like... backsliding?#but I'm in full control of that aren't I? it's not really going back on a promise to myself is it?#the problem is (there's so many problems why do I start sentences this way) that I still engage actively with all these projects#in my HEAD usually when I'm taking walks listening to the music I used to brainstorm with#THAT is fine but I feel like I'm doing something WRONG when I try to apply myself#ugh hopefully I can get this sorted before my next therapy
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So like I was watching a yt vid on like what to expect in like hormone therapy and it made me so happy but like at the same time rly rly sad, cos like it’s a rly long way away and it does scare me a bit as well as like it taking ages like 3-6 yrs and ig idk I never rly processed that. But then I’m also rly excited cos like I rly js can’t wait and everything abt it is js so nice and amazing and I know I’d love it sm and actually feeling comfortable with that but um Yh sry js some thoughts
#idk how to tag this#depressing shit#lgbtqia#happy?#trans#transfem#transgender#hormone replacement therapy
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"Did you just bite me??? Is that shit making you aggressive?"
-Hubby, in response to me sinking my teeth into his shoulder, then in reference to my recently started t, both of which are new, but I seriously doubt it's been long enough for it to be doing anything.
Think I'm just fuckin happy again. Holy shit.
I started typing this with the intention of making a joke, but got distracted because I really think getting on my new antidepressant and making the decision to/starting testosterone have actually helped me in a significant and noticeable way.
Cw: depression, medications, medical issues, under the cut
I have been fighting what felt like an unending episode of major depressive disorder since November of 2022. None of the new meds were working for me and my doctors seemed to kinda just give up, but it just kept getting worse. This January they tried upping my wellbutrin again, which helped, until I had a seizure about it.
I think I've been on my new chemical combo for a month, we lowered my wellbutrin back down and added Pristiq. I just started t 5 days ago (after fighting with the pharmacy for like a month). Chronic pain aside, I actually feel good. Holy fuck. That feels so great to say.
I'm gonna stop now, cause if I don't I'm just going to keep going forever. I just. I haven't felt things like this in well over a year and it's so weird but it's so good.
#nblm#nblm nsft#mdd#major depressive disorder#antidepressants#gaht#trans hrt#transmasculine#transmasc#gender affirming hormone therapy#queer joy
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might go insane and redo my blog theme
#been considering it for about a week#but i have such an abject fear of change that im so worried#but i can just change it back if i wanted to#anyway! im out of my depression hole! mostly!#basically if i talk about what's upsetting me... it makes it okay#also i havent had therapy this week#so my brain is a bit wonky anyway#and my hormones have been a bit whack cause ive been breaking out for the first time in years
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#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy#like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island#after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up#i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno#quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors#and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because#so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the#volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its#constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do#feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy#like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure#but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes#like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats#like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation#stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that#anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard#when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for#ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive#compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts#unrelated#also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what#do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info#but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes
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So I'm finally at a point where i can medically transition. I'm trying to find a private trans clinic in London, does anyone have any recommendations or advice? I'm struggling
I basically just want to go on t, not bothering about top surgery until I've been on t a while
#I'm finding it very hard finding anything useful#it's all nhs services saying 49 months etc#i don't really have any irl trans contacts to ask which is depressing#gender identity clinic#uhh trans health advice#?#transgender clinic#hrt testosterone#i don't know what to tag but I'm very desperate#oh#transgender services london#uk#mildly doxing myself but eh London's a big place and I'm sure people could guess by how i post#hormone therapy#literally anything would help!!
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Hormonal
Hormonal, Imbalances and Mental Health. Hormones can have a big impact on your mental health.
Your hormones are constantly changing throughout your day and throughout your life. Hormones guide your growth and development in childhood and adolescence. In women, they influence menstruation and reproduction. Stress in your life impacts the level of hormones like cortisol. Hormones can have a big impact on your mental health. Hormonal Imbalances and Mental Health The ultimate goal of the…
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As AJR once said
Oh, I'm spiraling now
#atlas adventures#started as an annoyance at a stupid app for being broken for the last two years and being worse this week#turned into “i need meds again” to “i can't even get into a doctor because my mom's availability conflicts with most doctor's hours”#like i have a standing appointment every friday at 2 which is not able to be moved due to my therapist's availability#and my mom only has fridays and saturdays off starting this week#and every doctor's office that ISN'T a complete shitshow is minimum 45 minutes away so i can't go on fridays unless it's early as FUCK#i'm actually about to start screaming and sobbing. i can't fucking do this anymore#the nurse at my therapy office told me she'd contact me roughly around this week to see if i can get in with their main psychiatrist#since the np was a fucking SHITSHOW (i've posted about it before. it was BAD)#and i haven't heard back and i'm going on two months 100% unmedicated. hormonal AND psychotropic#i'm actually losing my fucking mind#i'm becoming morr manic than i've been in probably a few YEARS#it's just all internal doom spiraling so my mom hasn't noticed that “hey my child is about to fucking SNAP”#“maybe i should call that doctor i promised to call in MAY because my child can't get in with their old quack gp anymore”#i still need to call the hospital i saw the quack endo at to see if they take my new insurance and if they have any other endos there#because i do better mentally on hormone meds than on psychotropic apparently. didn't expect that but whatever#main problem with the hormonal correction meds is that it makes me dysohoric as fuck. but when am i NOT dysphoric anymore#everything else is better mentally with my hormonal. the mania (that i didn't even process as hypomania until recently tbh) the depression#i need at LEAST my fucking hormonals before i lose my fucking SHIT#none of this is normal none of this is normal
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All 9 Solfeggio Frequencies - Full Body Healing Sound Therapy!
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Navigating Perimenopause to Menopause Together
Perimenopause and Menopause doesn't need to be suffered through, an Integrated Doctor can offer you a holistic and empathetic support during this phase of your life.
Perimenopause and Menopause doesn’t need to be suffered through, with the right professional help your journey will be supported with a holistic and empathetic approach. In my 18-year tenure as a doctor, I’ve noticed a concerning trend in women’s health. While contraception and pregnancy care receive significant attention, menopause and perimenopause are often sidelined in medical…
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Damn I was scrolling through all my old posts and a Lot of them were vents and just. Jesus f christ.
I am doing so much better now.
#Also how tf did I not realize I was autistic half the vent posts are about sensory overload and executive dysfunction and feeling like my#Brain wasn't training the way everyone else's did#Vents#depression#Anxiety#Progress#Therapy really does help#My amount of panic attacks has gone down significantly#And getting diagnosed really cleared things up for my parents#My dad thought I was just a sensitive weirdo but now he gets that it wasn't just quirky teen girl hormones#yay yippee
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#me.txt#just realized I am unironically that ‘could a depressed person have made this???’ meme#except instead of whatever it is in the episode#it’s 50k of the most boring and plain fiction ever written#spread over like 15 projects bc it was the only way to avoid the physically painful waves of shame and loathing over my ideas#this is something I should discuss in therapy but idek what I’m on about#so I really don’t know how I could. explain it?#things to tackle then:#1. my inability to estimate mood#and for that I need to fill in her journal thing but like#I can identify good or bad things but it doesn’t translate into a mood#I know there are days that are supposed to be good but? they didn’t really feel different#2. the certainty that I’m fine actually? I’m fine. look I wrote 50k and also I went to work every day#also I haven’t been crying as much#so clearly it was hormonal and I’m fine. as mom said.#I just have to find a job I like and then I’ll be fixed and it’s on me for not doing that earlier#maybe also do sports and it’ll be fine. i just don’t bc I’m too lazy and so I feel bad in direct correlation or punishment#3. that anxiety scenario thing has been plaguing me for two weeks#the concept of having to write it and then read it out loud and then record it and then listen to it? nope. cant. the shame is like. lethal#4. but it ties into 2; looked for a psychiatrist and didn’t find one#but also feeling very silly about the whole thing? i don’t need meds. I’m fine. i wrote 50k this month. i even enjoyed things#like that movie and being able to focus on a character#that’s a sign I’m fine. it’s proof I’m fine and that I’m not focusing on work or doing the other important tasks#only out of laziness and bc I’m a bad and selfish person who’s going to get what’s coming to her#…..yeah. i don’t want to go.#but I also wanted to disappear very very very badly when I woke up this morning so probably I should eh#other vague threads: the job from a distance and the life I should have#and the devaluing of nano while it also being the proof I’m fine
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