#it’s 50k of the most boring and plain fiction ever written
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#me.txt#just realized I am unironically that ‘could a depressed person have made this???’ meme#except instead of whatever it is in the episode#it’s 50k of the most boring and plain fiction ever written#spread over like 15 projects bc it was the only way to avoid the physically painful waves of shame and loathing over my ideas#this is something I should discuss in therapy but idek what I’m on about#so I really don’t know how I could. explain it?#things to tackle then:#1. my inability to estimate mood#and for that I need to fill in her journal thing but like#I can identify good or bad things but it doesn’t translate into a mood#I know there are days that are supposed to be good but? they didn’t really feel different#2. the certainty that I’m fine actually? I’m fine. look I wrote 50k and also I went to work every day#also I haven’t been crying as much#so clearly it was hormonal and I’m fine. as mom said.#I just have to find a job I like and then I’ll be fixed and it’s on me for not doing that earlier#maybe also do sports and it’ll be fine. i just don’t bc I’m too lazy and so I feel bad in direct correlation or punishment#3. that anxiety scenario thing has been plaguing me for two weeks#the concept of having to write it and then read it out loud and then record it and then listen to it? nope. cant. the shame is like. lethal#4. but it ties into 2; looked for a psychiatrist and didn’t find one#but also feeling very silly about the whole thing? i don’t need meds. I’m fine. i wrote 50k this month. i even enjoyed things#like that movie and being able to focus on a character#that’s a sign I’m fine. it’s proof I’m fine and that I’m not focusing on work or doing the other important tasks#only out of laziness and bc I’m a bad and selfish person who’s going to get what’s coming to her#…..yeah. i don’t want to go.#but I also wanted to disappear very very very badly when I woke up this morning so probably I should eh#other vague threads: the job from a distance and the life I should have#and the devaluing of nano while it also being the proof I’m fine
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