#hopelessly in love with death

[here-is-kia]

I haven’t been writing for a while, I feel terrible about it. Since now I have always used my laptop and used Grammarly before uploading here. Right now it is 5:43 am, in the middle of Ramadan, school is closed because of it. I need to study, I know, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It takes too much of my time, and my efforts fucking always goes unnoticed. Expected, I know. My laptop is fucking broken and useless now, I can barely use it. Day by day I am losing my sanity because of it. I have no will whatsoever. I begged to die yesterday, crying and shivering. Pathetic. Couldn’t even stop. I wish my parents would see me as a human instead of a puppet who should just focus on their studies. They want the good for me, but what’s the point if every single word they make me want to crawl out of my skin? Staying with them for over three minutes is painful. I want to be myself. To be free. I can understand and see my mother’s thoughts, I can feel them. Like a hand is holding a vein between my heart and neck. It’s not fair. How my father treats my younger sister, how my mother is different to her. Few days ago, well actually two days ago- Me and my sister cried in each other’s arms complaining about life. She is fucking 9. Nine. She says life is too hard, how she thought pain is fictional. She saw a childhood video of mine, and it shocked her how different i had become. Trauma can change you, some people have it harder, you may not remember and intellectualise your past. My mother has a lot of opinions, and I know the existence of it. Just because she ‘loves’ me doesn’t mean I feel loved by her, she oversees my screams, and tears. I am genuinely disgusted by her. If I were a mother, I vow I wouldn’t be like her. She thinks she is the best in the whole world, she ‘thinks’ she lets us do whatever we want. She simply doesn’t ‘parent’ us. She never will. And my father is… ugh. Saying anything about him brings tears to my eyes, it fact there are tears in my eyes right now. He cares, but I did wish if he just left me fucking Alone. I want my own life. I fucking hate my parents. I am being ungrateful and don’t fucking care anymore. They simply don’t fucking understand how fucking hard it is to get these grades. How can ALL of your three kids be suicidal? One is 9, another is fucking 7 and tried to kill hi self with a knife. I don’t even know if they are blind or are just ignoring everything. Mother likes to hide from father. I hate her. I hate it when I tell her my grades and she doesn’t tell father, father thought I hide my grades from him. I didn’t correct him. It hurts. I have my ambitions and all, please just give me a fucking break. From all your fucking expectations and opinions. I hate my mother. I tell her I love her every now and then, I am simply lying. I joke around and shit, but I can’t stand it anymore. I am a Muslim, a mighty believer too. I can’t run away when I get older, no matter how much I want to. Maybe I can, hopefully. Though death seems more easy, still begging your God to take away your life but still let you go to heaven is like begging your teacher to let you leave the exam hall and still let you pass. When will I be free? When? Never? I want freedom, I hate my mother’s thoughts and opinions, I can fucking feel them. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. She thinks she is the best mother there is, yet all she does she buy endlessly for her little dolls and argue how I have tons of clothes. She hates me, I am too ugly for her. I know. I hope she— no I don’t even want her to know about the pain she had caused us. She is too stubborn and would cry like a child. It’s sadly really, to be trapped your whole life. I can never be alone, I hate them. I hate taking the blame always. It’s not like my father is the capable man he thinks he is. I want to die.

Actually you know what? I don’t want to be away from a family, I want to spend time with a family, I want to joke around with a family(I mean I am already a laughing subject no matter how amazing my grades and weight are.) I just can’t stand this one. I am far too disgusted by them. Far, far too disgusted. In Ramadan, your Naf is still with you, maybe this is who I actually am. A pathetic emotional child. A worthless being. What benefit would my parents get from my successful future, that I do not know. I think they want me to succeed so they can feel like they accomplished something. I can never be my own person. I hate them. Even if parents have their own problems, their children still shouldn’t all be fucking in love with death.

Here, death is not a fear but a privilege. The children envies people who experience death. They want to physically(my sister said to me that day) harm themselves for attention. Please, you are fucking busy but you are a parent. They aren’t parenting, they are slacking off, giving us the basic human needs then taking a break. I was never enough, will never be. I am worthless, and if my fucking mother says ‘Oh Sweetie no! Who told you that!?’ In her honeyed voice, I will kill her. I probably won’t— but it will still be my breaking point js—

Freedom, heaven, today I saw a comment on a reel on Instagram, saying the prophet said life is a prison to the believers and paradise to the non-believers. It is kind of like a sign, of course life is not a paradise to everyone. I am doubting the authenticity of the translation. The last sentence doesn’t sound correct, it certainly is not from the Quran. It says ‘prison’ not hell, so I don’t think the is actually ‘paradise’. I did like how it said ‘prison’ though, a sign hopefully. It just gives you that shed of hope every delusional teenager with trauma likes to cling into.

-6:39 including time taken for tags :P

[wisteriasymphony]

claudrien au where claudia died soon after meeting adrichat and it's that trite shit where adrien makes up an entire romance with this "cool" dead girl in his dead to cope with his own loneliness and. uh. gabriel/emilie parallels

[peachyhoneyadventures]

EDOLISSE AND VARRICK

These Hands, If Not Gods by Natalie Diaz | Still from When A Man Loves (1927) | Snippet from Richard Siken's "Crush" | Still from Lodger (???) | Poem from Margaret Atwood's "You are Happy"

[captainkirkk]

I thought there was nothing that would make me sympathetic towards Luke, but damn the Last Olympian wore me down

[malewifehenrycooldown]

seeing wwe wrestlers cosplayingas death note characters misa and rem was not on my bingo card this year. On one hand super cool! On the other hand…. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back into death note again and I’ve kinda made peace with that.

[kdramacrybaby]

I’ve either watched too many dramas and become paranoid about Joo Seok-hoon (he’s definitely hiding something), or I’ve watched enough dramas to know that he’s definitely not what he seems 👀

[joselandsallee]

Wishing that you’d come back to me, impossible I know; but I still have that small ounce of hope. It brings me comfort.

I miss you so much Shane. 💔

[numbaoneflaya]

espira post everybody fucking duck

If theres one thing i love its taking classic masculine tropes and taking them to their logical conclusions with female characters.... like shes the classic stoic hero trope. the one tear and tough demeanor covering a sensitive heart. And shes also whats left unreported in those movies about said characters.... she has severe depression. Days at a time of lost time and staring at the ceiling. A constant sense of disconnection from reality and her own humanity. (made worse by the realization that she has a dragon soul. like what does that even mean. is that part of why she feels theres a glass wall between herself and everyone else at all times, even her loved ones, a space that she cant reach across? a border shes unable to pass? maybe, she doesnt fuckin know either). The stoicness comes with being constantly misread and thought of as cold and unfeeling. She cant control her facial expressions and they almost always do not match up with how shes actually feeling. She could be in the best mood of her life and the people around her are like. why is she making that face what a bitch. The single manly tear isnt always the single manly tear, sometimes its just impossible to cry. shes wanted to cry a lot, she just cant make herself do it. Her life is a constant battle of trying to break through that glass wall between herself and all other living things. A constant battle of trying to convey how she feels and what shes thinking, but finding it impossible, so after years and years she just chooses to speak about it less, because why bother or give herself hope.

[troublcmakcrs]

y'all: umm... whatcha got there?

me, with the oc i created solely to ship with tweek in his older verses: nothin, mind your fucking business

[inwardlyokay]

[audinosaur]

ofmd season 2 is testing me

[princekirijo]

FUCK ME LOOK AT MY BABYGIRL 😭😭😭

[sempsimps]

Misa Amane x fem reader bodyguard

Can't believe I'm only writing about her now. I just got the full black edition manga of Death Note, and I got really sad at the end. I also got the box set of the anime. It was so much different from her ending. so I'm finally writing something. I was going to do this during Pride Month, but I'm a little late to the party, never mind, let's get to the fic

I hated this feeling.

The feeling eats away at me every time I look at her.

I'm hopelessly in love, but she can't even talk about me.

Me and Misa were out shopping in the main city stores. I was her most trusted bodyguard since I was a girl. I held all her bags diligently and carefully. some expensive brands in every other bag, and it made me nervous at how much money she had sometimes, it was nice not hearing her constantly talk about him for once, but I spoke too soon.

"I would of asked Light and Ryuzaki to come with us so It could be a double date because come on let's be real, Ryuzaki totally has a thing for you, and I can spend some time with my precious boyfriend. But they said they had a major discovery in the Kira case and told me to go away"

Ew, I don't even like Ryuzaki ever since he literally kidnapped Misa and straight up smelt her like a rabid dog. I didn't have a good impression from the start. "Boyfriend." Yeah, right, light doesn't even acknowledge her, let alone want to date her. now look! she pouted how adorable. light couldn't see how truly beautiful she was, like a god of death. I could be a better boyfriend. I sighed, looking at Misa with a dopey grin. Her fashion was always on point and suited her. like today, a simple black skirt, long-sleeved shirt that was slightly see-through, black and white thigh-high socks, shin-high black boots giving a little height over me, and a crop denim jacket, with no arms, it looked so edgy and right in the trends right now, it's perfect on her she even had her hair down framing her clear skin and pretty brown eyes, I could get lost in them as they sparkle like topaz. I was standing in the middle of the shopping centre just staring at Misa, and she turned around, noticing my sudden disappearance from her side.

"Hey, are you okay weirdo? You're kinda just staring"

"O-oh yeah, I'm okay, misa just admiring youu-'re outfit! it's lovely today"

"Oh, I know right! Thank you for telling me, light didn't even say I looked cute today hmf"

'Saved that so well.' I smiled with a little wobble and a blushing face, my hold on the paper bag in my hand tightening as I adjusted the suit tie the bag made a soft crinkle in protest, as I caught up to her.

"Are there any more places you want to go?"

"Yes, actually, I heard about this super cute cafe in here. They put little stuffed animals on your table depending on how you look or how the waiter sees you. We have to go there, and I could use a latte"

"Yeah, sounds super adorable. I could use a cup of tea"

I smiled at her, and she giddily pulled out her phone to try and find the cafe quickly typing with her black nails and turning around excitedly, her skirt spinning with her, it lifted slightly and I saw. 'Oh my god, she has garters on - look away, look away, look AWAY!' I turned my head away quickly before Misa approached me.

"It's this way, let's go!"

She hooked her arm around mine and phone in her other hand as she quickly dragged me along to our destination, my face heating up once more at her actions 'She's so cute'.

"I bet light will love this place. we should bring the boys along. I bet they'd give Light a cute dog plushie and maybe Ryuzaki a smelly rat bleh"

She stuck her tongue out at the thought of a rat, and I couldn't help but laugh and agree with her. We soon got to the place and found a table sitting down. I placed all the bags I was holding under the table and to our side, and the blonde went into one of them, pulling out a little box.

"I got this cute ring I hope light likes it"

Light, Light, Light, Light, Light! I'm sick of hearing about him. I actually wished he was Kira sometimes so he could be away from her kind heart, but I know that would only motivate Misa more, seeing as Kira killed her parent's murderer.... she never did get time to mourn....

"Hey bestie Look isn't this cute"

I snapped out of my thoughts with a stab in my heart 'bestie'. Misa pushed her hand forward, showing me her new jewellery. It was a slim black band around her ring finger with painted skulls along it, I softly smiled. It looked fabulous.

"I'm sure Light will like it. It looks amazing, so well made too"

"Aahhh you really think so?"

"I know so"

The slow poison in my chest grew at every mention of Light, and soon, I was thankfully directed out of the silent resentment by a kind waitress who asked for our orders. I got a simple early grey tea and Misa ordered a caramel latte with extra cream, and the kind lady walked away with our order and into a back room.

"Anywhere else after this? my fair lady, hehe."

"Oh, don't be so formal, you nerd, no wonder Ryuzaki likes you, but I think I'm done here unless you'd like to get something?"

"Oh me? No, I'm okay. I'll even pay for our drinks if you want?"

"Awww how sweet of you'd really do that for little old me?"

"Of course we are friends"

'Oh god, that stung to say'. The waiter came back, placing our drinks down, and on the drink trays were small plushies. I couldn't help but grin brightly at Misa as she slowly picked up her adorable stuffed animal, it was a little bat with magnets in the wings so it could wrap around the body, and it even had a small red bow around one of the large ears. I was so focused on the girl in front of me gently holding the bat by the wings, making it swing back and forth, I didn't even see what one I got. I quickly looked down to see my own small soft toy, it was a calico cat with buttons for eyes, it lay on its stomach, I picked it up its paws had velvet beans, and had small bits of plastic in them to make it slightly weighted. I held it in my hands with awe it was surprisingly an accurate description of me. it almost looked sad.

"Swapsies, I wanna see yours!"

Misa picked up the toy from my hands, and she gave me hers she gave a little squeal, saying how cute it looked, and I laughed. Looking at her bat, I noticed it had plastic red eyes with bits of glitter shining in it 'Just as unique as her' A hand took away the soft toy again.

"Oh, I bet I could..... aha, look how cute!"

Misa wrapped the bat's wings around the cat in a sort of hug, and the magnets clicked in place to stay around it.

"Awww it's like their friends"

"Nah I bet they're dating"

"Oh yeah? Whys that"

"I don't know, just have a feeling not everything has an answer, dummy"

She giggled at calling me a dummy and took a sip of her coffee, sighing content with the taste. I took this as my chance to drink my tea 'needs sugar wait I could try a pickup line'. I raised an eyebrow as I spoke, leaning an elbow on the table.

"My tea needs more sugar, mind getting in it?"

"Was that supposed to be smooth?"

"Yeah....."

I hung my head in defeat and sighed. I felt gentle fingers on my chin, lifting me up, and I looked at Misa, losing myself in her eyes before she spoke in a smug tone

"Bet I can give you a panic at the disco."

She held a sly smirk, and I felt my face get increasingly hot. 'oh she's way too pretty to be this good at pickup lines. I think I might die.'

"Oh geez, where did you get that from?"

"A magician never tells their secrets"

"I don't think that's connected?"

"You're so mean to me"

The pretty blonde pouted again and took another sip from her coffee, pulling out her phone to take a picture of the stuffed animals hugging before taking one of me as I drank my tea, giggling like a schoolgirl as I called her out on it. The date/ hang out was calm, and we chatted and I paid the bill, we slowly made our way back to the building, we were currently staying at before Misa got a call on her phone, and she excitedly exclaimed its light.

"Mhm okay perfect see ya soon, byeee~ love you. Light says we need to talk. I hope he finally says I'm his girlfriend!"

The girl got super giddy and even did a little jump in excitement before she returned to my side taking some of the bags from one arm.

"And light tells me Ryuzaki called for you~"

She bumped my hip, making me stubble she was convinced L liked me at this point, and I nervously fake laughed.

"Oh, he did, huh..."

"Uh huh~ you two would be so cute, like a nerdy couple you see in anime"

"Hm, yeah, I guess so"

We made our way back to the building and walked into the elevator, still holding all of Misa's shopping. I'm just glad we didn't get spotted by any fans maybe because she had her hair down 'I love her hair down'. She hummed a soft tune as we waited to go up to the top floor. As the doors opened, we both saw light and L in the room. Misa dropped all her bags and ran to light in a hug, which he didn't seem pleased about in the slightest. I picked up the bags, setting all of them next to the sofa, smoothing out my suit before feeling a tap on my shoulder it was L.

"Hello miss ... I need to speak with you. Follow me"

"Okay"

my tone was cold but not harsh I just felt upset, also ew, he touched me. I followed the emo rat out of the room, but not before I got one last glance at Misa kissing Light's cheek.

It hurts to know that

You will never look at me

The way I look at you

omg finally I wrote for her and I don't like the ending and I feel like I rushed it but it's fine, it fine just gives me an excuse to write some more of this fucking queen. but I struggle writing women so I hope this is okay

[cyberebel]

Inside My Heart

I know who is inside my heart

The moment I wake up in the morning, you’re on my mind

I walk around breathing while you’re beating inside my heart

The times I daze off to daydream, your face is right in front of me

Every time I hear your name, I turn around to see you’re not there

“Maybe it’s just all my head,” I tell myself

Because that is where you linger in my thoughts

I write poems of you because if I didn’t, I’d feel like ripping my own heart out just to reach you

To touch not only my memories of you but your skin just so I know I’m not dreaming

Something real just so I can stop the pain of the distance between us

It’s killing me from the inside to not be in your presence

I can never run away from you because I can’t run away from myself

I can’t escape this heart of mine that doesn’t feel like mine anymore

It feels like I’ve given it up to you before I dug myself 6 feet underground

Waiting for you to come around and give it back to me

So I can wake up and feel alive again

But I’ve been sleeping all this time, hopelessly in love with you

[theskyweshare]

I would happily leave this world but this is

       the only world that has you in it.

[winterskiesgay]

Possible ending?

Look man i just write my bullshit and its rlly angsty the majority of the time so hfbvjddcbgf CW: Death, angst, gays hopelessly in love, shitty writing

Winter holds Sky's face in his hands gently, wiping away the tears running down his face.

"This is the end, love. I'm not sure how long I can-"

Winter lets out a gasp. Blood is flowing freely now, the wound in his back growing worse and worse until the ground around him is stained crimson. Sky is screaming, unsure if anyone can hear in this cold concrete warehouse. Rusted beams loom ahead like long-forgotten monsters from a different time.

Sky is trying to stop the flow desperately, to no avail. Winter's hands are growing clammy, trembling as the last vestiges of his strength are used to grip Sky's arm. He smiles weakly.

"Hey, it's not so bad after all, right? We almost made it. We almost got our happy ever after. Isn't that better than nothing? Isn't that better than never knowing eachother at all?" "But you weren't- you weren't supposed to die!" Sky sobs. Winter brushes the strands of hair that have fallen into Sky's eyes away, and looks at those beautiful blue eyes for the last time. "Shh, love. I know." He slumps in Sky's arms, eyes glazed and staring at something far away. Sky stays there for a long time, hugging the body of his lover long into the night.