#hopelass

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

I remember everything.

I still remember everything that happened.

Every mistake I made.

Every stupid thing I said.

Everything you did to me.

Everything I did to you.

Everything I did to myself.

Everything you said to me.

I still remember everything. But, fuck, I wish I didn't...

[dr0wningdepressive]

relapse

[bluelogy]

Fuck all the firsts,

the only thing that matters to me

with you are the forevers.

-Colleen Hoover, Hopeless.

[techno-war]

HEART BREAKING TOO MUCH EASY (NOW DAYS)

KILL ANYONE VERY SIMPLE METHOD😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Don't fall in love with someone.

[smoke-on-the-moon]

Plz i’m cool, dm me, i’m bored.

[zerbrochen-hinterdermaske]

Ich hab schon viele Dinge runter geschluckt…nur irgendwer schafft es immer wieder eine Schippe drauf zu setzen.Obwohl eine Partnerschaft aus leidenschaftlicher Hingabe und begehren des anderen, ein Fundament ergibt sowie die optische Schönheit es ausmachen und mit diesen verbundenen. Ist es jene Worte zu hören ein starkes Stück, dass mich wirklich aus allen Wolken fallen lässt und mir den Boden unter den Füßen weg reißt und das in einer Verharmlosung ausgedrückt….könnte ein Spiegel mehr als in 1000 Teile zerbrechen? Wer zählt die Teile wenn sie als unzählige Scherben auf dem Boden liegen…Wer klebt das Pflaster auf die Wunde , wenn jeder Angst hat vor Blut ?! Stille Schreie werden nur von jenen zu hören sein die, die Feinfühligkeit besitzen im Dunkeln zu sehen….Kälte breitet sich in meiner Hülle aus. Die kleine lodernde Flamme meiner Hoffnung erlischt. Vertrautheiten werden fremd. Der Mensch der dir einst nah war wird ein Unbekannter. So wie vor eurer ersten Begegnung. Dreck und Ärger bleibt zurück. Die Selbstschuld suchend bei sich, jedesmal immer an diesem gleichbleibenden Punkt. Wahrlich wie ein naives Kind, dass sich jedesmal aufs Neue darauf einlässt weil es sich herzlichst wünscht endlich mal Glück zu haben. Doch dieses ist ihm nicht gegönnt..“einfach“ gedacht und bitter enttäuscht. Aber vor allem von einem Selbst es ist bald unverzeihlich sich selbst wieder enttäuscht leiden zu sehen..

Ein Messer, eine Axt, eine Schere, ein Strick…du wählst den Weg..

Wie ein lautes knacken..bricht es Stück für Stück …💔💔

[ziukos-archived]

@hopelass​ :   "It's just the natural order of things."   from yue.

he knows the story,   experience it himself.    [   his agency stops him from remembering,  a morality he wishes to no longer think of.   the sins of his father forever in his view. . .   ]   but his daughter often asks of the story of the girl who became the moon and saved everyone,  the tale best told from the tongue of the southern water tribe chief than his,   but izumi listens to her father nonetheless.   it’s been years since that day,   years since he remembers the pain on his friend’s faces.   zhao,   always a fool.   zuko wonders if history has forgot the general for the favor of the moon princess,   traveling to the skies and seeing her once again.     ❝  it was wrong.    you were a child.   ❞

❝  i should have done more to stop him.   ❞   his eyes do not meet hers,   knowing he lives far in the future that pincess yue will never see.  that her home was laid to destruction at the hands of his father’s army,   that zuko is a product of the very war that killed so many of those that she loved.   it does not matter how many years pass,   the firelord will never forget.   ❝  it is an honor to visit you in this world yue,    i wish we could have done it years ago.  ❞

[kindabitch]

@hopelass "He just fuckin'... laid into him," he says, still in utter disbelief as they walk back towards the house. In a way, Luke is relieved he was on the other side of the party when Fezco unleashed absolute living hell on Nate. There was no possible way he could've gotten over there to stop him— and in all honesty, he wouldn't have wanted to. Nate deserved every punch. Still, no matter how awful he is, he's still... somewhat important to Maddy. Now that the ambulance is gone, he really should get his act together and make sure she's alright. Cautiously, he wraps an arm around her and pours his drink out. "Yo, do you wanna get outta here? I know you came with... Kat and Jules, but like... a lot's gone on," --- from luke, obvi (;  

              “   I   don’t   wanna   talk   about   it.”

              She’s   shaking   (   breathe,   breathe   or   your   fucking   mascara   will   leak   down   ),   it’s   not   something   she   can   explain.   It’s   not   even   like   she’s   sorry   for   what   happened   to   Nate   (   does   that   make   her   ugly   and   psycho   like   him?   Does   it   fucking   make   her   like   him?   ),   it’s   not   that   she   cares   --     you   don’t,   you   don’t.   because   if   you   care,   then   it   will   mean   you   still   love   him   –   the   idea   terrifies   her.  

                   Nate   has   always   had   violence   following   him   around   –   this   is   just   proof   of   it.

                  But   she’s   still   fucking   shaking,   one   of   her   acrylic   claws   has   been   cracked   in   the   process   of   trying   to   get   Fez   off   of   Nate   (   she   jumped   to   help   him   –   why,   why,   why?   ),   and   not   even   that   can   make   the   ugly   feeling   of   wanting   to   puke   go   away.   And   when   Luke   talks,   all   she   can   hear   is   the   rumble   of   the   fight,   the   smashing   of   beer   bottles,   the   cracking   of   bone   and   she   can’t   even   pretend   to   listen   to   his   words   when   all   she   sees   is   Nate,   Nate,   Nate   –   Nate   with   his   hands   around   her   throat.   Nate   being   pummeled   to   the   ground.

                Nate.   Nate.   Fucking   Nate   won’t   fucking   leave   her   alone.   And   not   in   the   way   she   sometimes   wishes   he   would   when   her   mom   yells   she   needs   to   get   her   shit   together.

“   I’m   –   I’m   fine.   let’s   just   get   out   of   here,   ”   she’s   clinging   to   his   bicep,   nails   dig   into   skin   without   noticing   (   she   always   looks   for   comfort   in   Luke   lately.   An   anchor   --     a   safety   net   ).   But   she’s   still   shaking,   and   her   mascara   is   running   and   that   means   she’s   crying   again,   “   can   I   --   can   I   crash   at   the   garage   with   you   tonight…?   ”

[sobrepensadora]

Soy una persona que no tiene a alguien que la ame.

Pero vivo pensando que si alguien me ama seré feliz.

Pienso que mi felicidad está en en el amor.

Pero me odio. Odio todo de mi (tal vez es mentira porque en mi comportamiento me cuido. Y si me cuido es porque hay amor. Aún así tengo mal estar)

Y nunca alguien me ha amado. (Aparte del supuesto amor de la familia)

Pienso que se debe a que yo no me amo.

Es probable que nunca alguien me ame y que yo nunca ame a alguien porque ¿cómo amaré a otra persona si no soy capaz de amarme a mi misma?

Me siento miserable. Estoy dispuesta a aceptarme miserable.

Estoy cansada. Tal vez es conformista, no lo sé.

No tengo energía para autoanimarme.

Seguiré porque soy una guerrera.

Solo me gustaría sentirme bien.

Y trataré de sentirme bien en la medida que pueda, estoy perdiendo esperanzas, pero seguiré intentando.

Con todo el dolor de mi ser voy a continuar.

[worthless-misery]

Out drinking again...

Might make a wrong decision tonight, idk.

Fuck it.

Fuck everything.

[very-unimportant-writings]

I wanted a poet to fall in love with me so I could read poems of myself being described from somebody else about how they’d like to kiss me under the moon light and with the witnessing of a thousand roses, while I’m on the balcony in an oversized shirt with a cologne that screams your name.

But look at me, here I am. Talking about you who never sleeps even when I do.

What a dream it could be to wake up from this nightmare.

Name: About you

Friday

September 24

2021

9:40 AM

[investedreader]

Nothing can explain me better. This link is absolutely precise .

I'm a burden to my family. Useless to society and of absolutely no contribution. My future seems completely and certainly bleak ( rather non existent) I can't do anything and I even settled multiple times in my mind on the prospects of being a small time worker - working part time at three jobs that didn't require qualifications making a home from a studio apartment and possibly even continuing to leach off my parents

Tried two times to off myself and failed because of the inevitable fear of failing at just another thing that I'm relying on or the pain. I'm a coward really. Imagined detaching myself from my family and friends and moving away to struggle myself with no traces left behind. I don't know how it came to this. I'm a genuinely rational person.

I’m not really one for attention and can recognise any attention seeking I may project once in a while or victimising . I’m mature and atleast can say with certainty that I used to be a great student .

I used to be smart, intelligent, witty , responsible and so independent- things you would expect of every elder sibling. Did everything my parents expected of me if not better. I think it's safe to say I was so so competent. I feel as if I am referring to a third person. I don't mean to brag and I can't even associate myself with her.

Another post expressing my feelings excluding the physical actions . ^^^

The last 22 months took a huge turn. I'm getting tired of even trying to explain my situation repeatedly to myself since I have no one to talk to. This is my first time expressing it publicly and seemingly anonymously. The link can't explain my situation any better . It's incredibly accurate. Tired of reiterate myself .

My parents - I don't blame them one bit - decided that given my scores and well versed capabilities, that I would persue a career in stem - engineering and preferably CS. In my country - engineers are valued like Gods. They are know for always ending up successful, moving to a foreign land to live a life of leisure and monetary abundance. But in my country- the competition and the years required to become one continue to steadily increase. As a student previously, it was my ginormous sense of anxiety, stress and fear that made me excellent- truly. I'm the type to believe I don't know anything and revise multiple times enough to be able to picturise the pages and information word for word . I was anxious enough before exams to make the people around me anxious. I get easy unnerved and stressed out by the possibility of imperfections and mistakes . I needed to feel like I knew everything to feel like I was enough . Hell … my friend wrote an entire essay about anxiety , stress and mental health in students , thinking about me ! (Her words ) I can't begin the explain the feeling of inadequacy . I can't begin the explain the feelings | felt and that I completely credit for making me the best I could be. A sense of not being good enough per say. The extent of this sense being experienced beyond normal amounts . That sense has now motivated me to do the opposite- not try at all .

My parents tend to be a little selfish - not because they chose my careers - but just as people. They don't really look beyond themselves ( or my younger brother at that). I remember when my mother called me jealous of her at age 9 ? Like woah. You have to be a different level of self absorbed to call your child jealous of you . Same for dad. Still I sympathise with them because they came from severely underprivileged backgrounds- no proper food or home and gave us the resources we need - never once depriving us of any of our wishes and needs. I valued this and am grateful- hence worked hard .[[ I learnt to check the price tag at a young age and never asked for anything . I was met with an epiphany recently of how the only things I’ve ever truly wanted and asked for ( skating , art classes , teachers , friends ) have always been scratched away from me … for reasons I couldn’t control . I can’t help but think of how life deliberately worked it’s way out to fuck me up .]]] Thus, they never really paid me much attention- I handled my academics and responsibilities on my own . They never had to follow up or ask me about school or my day . They trusted me . They don't deserve having a child that not only gave them false hopes of a bright future - but now the complete impossibility of it. It doesn't help that my brother never studies and is a spoilt pampered brat to the point that he's completely intolerable. Leaving my entire family's hopes and dreams to be on my shoulders - not that I mind it's natural given my performance - but it would be easier to slack off with some backup. All eyes on me they say, but somehow my brother still manages to bag the title for most coddled and selfish and loved person by my family.

I love my parents so much . They don’t deserve a failure like me . They deserve a child that is able to fulfill their dreams and aspirations and keep them happy . I always want them to be happy . I want them to genuinely be happy . I love them so much . They deserve everything the world has to offer - but me . I’m a burden . I feel terrible for I’m wasting so many of their resources… all their hard work , blood , sweat and tears … just wasted because of this bullshit of an excuse . I’ve reached a level where I’ve become numb to the pain and every time the waves come back I think this is an excuse … yes coming from someone who has experienced how gruelling it is first hand … it gets so tiring … you start to forget what has happened to you and just let it take over with a sigh. I feel terrible facing my parents everyday and lying to their faces … but that’s the only way I get to see them smile

The last 2 years with the exposure to incredible competition, the demotivation of doing something I'm not sure I want to do, the feeling of just being dumb and nowhere compared to my peers caused a huge downfall. No friends - none All previous ones having found peace in abandoning me now that I was of no use to them. Negativity and the guilt of not even batting an eye at my own ignorance to my future piling up with time. Last year I faced severe depression- alone Cried everyday for 5-6 months at least 4 times per day. Hyperventilating and numbing migraines following the episodes . (No one knew cause growing up I learnt to be a silent crier) suicidal thoughts constantly on my mind. I can't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about how worthless I am and how undeserving I am of the time space and resources I occupy. Tried offing myself twice but didn't go through with it completely, both times fearing the after effects that my parents would have to deal with, the shame from society and the possibility of failing and being left with permanent mental scaring and disability. I can't remember much of those months (a coping mechanism of the brain ) but all I can remember is that my brain and body begs me not to put myself thorough it again . ( with brushing my teeth being the only grounding experience )

I don't know how I got out of it . Ignorance helped . I went back to the cycle that preceded those 5-6 months, filled with the feeling of idk and idc, in capability and loss that ultimately had led to the gruelling time in the first place

Now I'm here . But improving ? I guess?

Led myself to the given link and honestly couldn’t be thankful enough to the person that posted it with such accuracy. Explains from top to bottom . I can’t compete . I can’t live in this world anymore . I’m not strong enough. I’m selfish and weak .

I can’t help but compare myself to all the rich folks who don’t have to work a day in their lives to deserve half of what we do . I’m lazy . I’m resentful and I’m lonely . I’m so so lonely . I’ve accepted it , but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it’s like , and other times i worry I’ll never let that happen to myself… im my own hindrance to a normal life . Im the only person I can’t run away from and scares me . Im terrible to myself , im a terrible person , im so negative no wonder I ended up like this and no one cares to be around me , I wouldn’t wanna be around me either . I know I’ve emphasised on school in this article .. but there are numerous factors that addup .

I tried to talk to my parents once - failed attempt and so now I'm trying to study for an exam that severely affects my life . I don't know what led me to suddenly feel the need to take action but l'm happy it happened. But of course - things that aren't addressed fall back - I'm starting to feel everything again. My exams have commenced. The first - English - I got back my feelings of anxiety and stress, bombarded my brain with info for three days and did well in the exam. I felt to happy to feel something ! To be so occupied with that pressure that I once felt , that I didn't have time to think about how useless I truly am ! But now I feel like I can't read a single page . I feel like I’ve exhausted all the capability I had in those three days . I have more exams coming up - important ones at that. I'm completely hopeless. I know I may have only recovered once but there is truly no future for me. I'm not smart anymore. Not productive. I'm useless. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.I can’t study . I don't even think about it because everyday I pray that I don't wake up . I can't explain the summarisation of my place rn. Isolation probably had a part to play in this . The pandemic ruined my life . I just don't want to be here. Im a burden . An annoyance. I can't be here . I’m shit . Better of non-existent . I can't study anymore let alone do anything. I don't know how to explain how inconspicuous | am! Omg | hate myself so much - I'm not looking for comfort. Im worth the hate, I deserve nothing . I completely declined. Completely and severely. This ends here abruptly but I truly am no good. There is nothing else to say. I have an eating disorder . Suffered from repeated night mares and insomnia . Now it feels like even offing myself is not an option because I'm bad at that too. Even though I innately deserve the non existence and am not deserving of the life that I have , I can't bring myself to end it all (successfully).I pray that I don't wake up tomorrow :) I pray everyday.

(I still feel like I haven’t explained well enough or recounted all my experiences - forgotten - to encapsulate my state. I’m sorry . I’m so sorry . I don’t want to be here either . I’m sorry )

I’m most regretful for the time I wasted , The life and the body that I wasted with my worthless soul, the memories and time I stole from people , the place I held in their lives (irrespective of how insignificant , positive or negative it may have been ) .I’m regretful for the resources and the space I’ve wasted. The space I’ve occupied on this wonderful planet has been a waste. I’ve been nothing but a burden. I’m most regretful to my parents , my parents that I hate but love so much , the parents I’m so grateful for , the parents I disappoint, the parents I don’t deserve . Punish me .

It’s easy to just blame myself for my situation . If only I had continued to impassively do what was expected of me , do what so many children do on a daily basis to make their families proud - ignoring their dreams to persue those of their families. To be able to work hard and relentlessly towards something they don’t care for . If only I could do that . If only I could do the normal . I harbour so much respect for the people that manage to make through a day productively and tirelessly work forward to reach a goal they can’t see. Everyone is going through or has been through an immense struggle . I hold so much admiration for everyone around me . I just seem to not be strong enough . Such is life . I can’t explain the guilt and shame I feel . I don’t deserve to be here . I don’t deserve what I have . I’m so sorry . I’m so sorry . I’m sorry . I’m sorry . I’m sorry … I’m hopeless .

I pray that I don’t wake up tomorrow , I pray everyday .

Hey - 2023

Wanted to drop this because this is the most apt description so far … everything u need to know is here .. everything .

March 2024 - failed a subject for the first time

Mental health on and off … learnt nothing

April 2024 - actually failed 2 ^^^

[ssreality]

I was given back hope when it was too late

[forwardmoved-a]

@hopelass , from caroline : sender  tucks  in  receiver’s  shirt,  hair  behind  ear,  etc.

there’s something so personal in the way that the light of his life ( whether she was aware that she was the light of his life, is a question for another day ) attempts to make rick look presentable by tucking in his shirt. her hands, so gentle in the way that she touches him, on any part of his body was enough to give the man a heart attack but he was still standing, albeit holding his breath as she does so.

he watches her with a lovesick smile on his lips and he tries his best to stay still, but he’s restless, and words spill from his lips before he could stop himself. “look at you, you’re goin’ through all of this trouble for little ole me... and who am i kidding? i’ll make a mess outta myself sooner or later, so really, all of this is unneeded.” and rick’s kicking himself the second that he says it, teeth digging into his bottom lip. “not that i don’t appreciate it! i do appreciate it, you’re wonderful help as always, gorgeous.”

[viscious-triangles]

Thought cleaning my room would improve my mood but it didn’t so I really don’t know wtf to do now

[futuresgirl]

“he’s such a fucking idiot.” tiff. shes talking about needles /:

young royals. / accepting.

      despite this being far from the first time she’s heard this said ( both from tiff and not ) the other girl’s bluntness takes jennifer off guard, and she muffles a snort against her palm, looking up at tiff with a wide-eyed giggle. 

      ❛ he’s trying his best! ❜ she laughs, biting her lip to try to muffle herself further as tiff’s flat-eyed expression only serves to make it harder not to laugh. ahead of them, needles twirls his knife proudly between his hands, and she ducks her head against tiff’s shoulder in an attempt to muffle another snort when he almost drops it, despite roy and dale’s matching yelps doing the job for her. without lifting her head from tiff’s shoulder, she turns so she can still watch them, amusement glittering in her eyes as the three of them play what almost looks like hot potato: dangerous and very sharp weapon edition.

      fondly, she marvels at how stupid boys can be. but then sometimes, though —

      ❛ that idiot saved our asses, though, ❜ she says, lazily lifting a hand to gesture in their direction as she tilts her head up to look at tiff easier, smushing her cheek against her friend’s shoulder. the knife flashes as it catches the light in her peripherals, and a flash of an orange-clad needles flickers through her mind before another shout, this time in their direction, pulls her from her thoughts with a start. with another laugh, she rolls her eyes fondly as she lifts her hand in a lazy wave before she turns back to tiff. ❛ aaaaaand he’s never gonna let us forget it. ❜