#hopefully ill be able to complete this
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For reference (since i mentioned it in my latest poll)~
Completed October Requests:
Meeting and Courting Dracula
Meeting and Dating Jerry Dandridge (2011)
Meeting and Dating Kevin Wendell Crumb
Poly Earl and Valentine (Tremors)
Meeting David Allen Griffin (too long for one post/working on dating headcanons too)
Lestat wooing you
The second version of "Meeting Jerry Dandridge" (though I might release that outside of October)
Meeting and dating Bert (Cabin Fever)
Meeting and Dating Roman Bridger
Meeting and Dating Edward Dalton
Spending Halloween with Chad Corey Dylan
Poly Sydney and Tatum
October requests I'm working on/close to completing:
TBD….
Completed September Requests/normal requests:
Meeting and Dating Chozen Toguchi
Meeting and Dating Alex Law
Meeting and Dating Zorg
Being friends with Martha and Veronica
#amongst other old drafts that ill hopefully be able to finally finish#and other requests im planning on completing in time
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Took pics of the best turned out eyes in his head from yesterday :)
In order:
A dark blue with some gold star decals, gold with some glitter (learned the glitter does NOT photograph well the way I do it lol. Things to keep in mind for next time), light blue with dark blue glitter, dark brown with a cherry cola glitter (it catches the light and looks pink in person but all the painting I did barely shows up bc of how dark brown it is lol), and white (I kind of wanted it to look like the eye chip was removed and just the underlying area remained)
#twist rambles#bjd posting#the last is bc i think im going to go a little robot angle for him w some damage on the side of his face so wanted the eye to reflect that#damage :)#personally i think i like the gold and brown the best lol. the white was actually silver paint but it came out light :) you may see a bit of#white paint in the center of that one to be able to see the slight color variation. learned a LOT this time and excited to do more in the#future. these are definitely messy and look worse out of the head but im glad so many looked good :) the ones not photographed ended up#being too big for his eye holes sadly 😭 but ill hang onto them for other dolls :)#he looks like completely different sculpts depending on the angle lol. jarring even to me even tho ive had him for a year+. hopefully ill be#able to knock out the other 2 pairs of eyes i gotta do soon lol.
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What are you talking about. Exactly zero of these things are essentials
#i hate new cars sm man 😭#i cant even afford a car payment rn but i know i need to get a new car asap#bc my 11 year old ford exploder keeps having parts fail on me and also theres a concerning rust issue going on#so im looking into car options a lil bit so i can maybe get an idea of whats out there#once im done with my payments on like braces and other stuff and hopefully have a bit more wiggle room#and i was already not liking the idea of looking at New new cars bc like#i want buttons man. i dont want some touch screen bullshit thats gonna distract me while im driving you know?#i got spoiled with my 2003 and im worried what its gonna be like if i have to get a New car#so im looking into new car options for literally 5 seconds and immediately find this#'well the interior is made out of shitty fabric but at least it has essentials like [things i absolutely dont need or even want] :D'#like. everything there is completely unnecessary. and fucking ALEXA??#why would i want muskrat to be able to spy on me while im driving. wtf is this bullshit#maybe ill just need to look into used cars specifically but its always such a crapshoot#last time i bought a used car secondhand i ended up with something that broke down literally two days after i bought it#(only reason my current car was good when i got it was bc i bought it from my grandma)#i guess maybe a used car dealership might be better bc then at least i would have some accountability if they sell me something shit?#but i dont even know where to start looking when it comes to finding a used car that i would like...#and i dont exactly just wanna walk into a dealership clueless to see what they have there. i wanna be prepared so they cant fuck with me#idk. still gonna be a while until i can get to that point anyway#rambling#edit: just realized alexa is bezos not musk. but fuck em both i dont care. two heads of the same hydra
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last month i was feeling so insane & i think lonely in a way abt my interests that i suddenly got the idea of making a video analysing Media I Like (guess which lol ú_ù) and finally im super close to wrapping it up so yay but its FIFTY (50) PAGES LONG
#wat the hell...... hhow..much talking time is dat#anyways i was so excited i even used complete words (like What instead of Wat)#proper punctuation (ykno like ... instead of .. ..) and proper caps and all. woooow#im planning on (hopefully) finishing it 2day but idk when ill be able 2 record my voice or edit it#this is so weird ..o.O#di4ry
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idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man
#i am a LITTLE bit sad i cant do grad school bc like. im going to miss writing essays and researching and all once i graduate#i do genuinely like doing it. call me a nerd or whatever but i love it esp when its on smth fun and interesting like this#now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao#unless i got offered a scholarship or smth idk. wont happen but. hm. if it did.#seriously tho. i would think more seriously abt it if it werent for my adhd. i just dont think its realistic for me#as much as i like my field i dont think i have the ability to focus well enough to complete the work id need to complete#i went to the meeting abt grad school i learned abt what it requires/why people do it and all. i just dont think i can do that#and bc i ultimately cant get diagnosed -> cannot get help/medication thats not going to improve any time soon#after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention#its not worth paying a shitload of money and possibly setting my career back by years only to fail out yk?#im not too torn up abt it. ill give it more thought if it becomes relevant but rn its not really on my radar#ive done an excellent job in school! im getting an honours degree (hopefully)! most people dont even get that far#a lot of people with my condition dont even get into university let alone graduate. im incredibly lucky to be able to do what i can#levi.txt#this is all over the place but takeaway is im having a good time! things are coming together i feel confident in my work#im gathering theorists and sources for the section on night of the living dead and having a blast#ive got my examples all lined up my arguments make sense in my head i know where to look for applicable theories etc etc#i just need supporting quotes and im working on that rn!! it hasnt even been that hard#ok. back to work. i need to harness the power of caffeine once more (made my brain quiet) (no longer full of bees) (im in charge)
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Noo i dont wanna do work....
#i wanna draw and play games all day#just put the money into my account without me working 🤓#anyways....i need more money#i have a vague plan in my head#that hopefully doesnt involve me switching to a completely different employer#i wanna stay with the one im with now but change job positions#i hope they give me a chance ahah#cause im always thinking about making more money#maybe ill be able to survive in the harsh world on my own then
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I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...#.diaries
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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I've been freed from the shackles of school 🥹 I'm free, guys 🥹 Alright, now to watch as many 2009 races as possible before the triple header-
#i mean id like to? hopefully 🙏#god...when i started 2005 it was right before the semester#and i watched 9 races in a week#so this will just be that(part 2) except now were getting into the thick of it with 2023 so ughhhhhh#not that i mind 2023 races i just think the triple header will be *so much*#i wish i could completely distach myself from school stuff but i have things i still need to finalize which is annoying#please just let me rot into my bed and desk chair and completely involve myself in my interests#anyways im glad i made it through :) i think having f1 as a backbone both helped and hindered LMAO#id like to draw as well but i think those seb fanarts i drew were a fluke 😭#ill be able to draw for like 5 hours straight randomly and then not be able to draw again for months#I WANNA DRAW MY OCS I MISS THEM 😭😭😭😭😭#catie.rambling.txt
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ok so in here in 6th or 7th grade (depending on where you live) but at the end of primary school kids go on a trip with their class for like a week and they have activities and dances and stuff kinda to celebrate the end of their primary school years and the start of their high school years but yea anyways my sisters leave in a few hours for theirs and im :-/
#im having conflicting feelings okay#itll be the first time in 13 that ill have my parents all to myself#kinda cool but my sisters are a big reason why im not completely bored the whole fucking day#i think its less than a week but still#im gonna miss them 🙄#13 years*#itll definitely be weird not having them around and being able to annoy them#hopefully my mom doesnt take this as a chance to give me 10 lectures per day#id kill myself for sure#cami.txt
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My nervous system has been soooo fucked the last few days due to #Emotions!
#today i was like boardering on panicing being extremely sad and feeling deeply disturbed but like never actually reaching any completely#if that makes sense#it was kg any one thing happens i will panic or i will start sobbing or whatever but that thing never coming#so i was doing a bunch to avoid feeling any of those things pr thinking any of the thoughts that made it worse#i still thought them but it was tolerable#but now i have to sleep and i have obligations tomorrow and im not exhausted enough to just pass out#so now i must rawdog it and face the thoughts!! which means i MIGHT have s panic atfack or breakdown in the middle of the night#at least my obligations are mild tomorrow!!#and the feelings are getting easier with the days so hopefully its not too bad with the start of school!!!!#i love learning i have another genuine trigger and dealing with the consequences#i never wouldve thought that that topic would upset me so much but it did!!!!#or like the topic wasnt upsetting like i am genrallh neutral about it but that conversation triggered like genuine intrusive thoughts#i dont even struggle with those often or ever really but the last 2 days have been BRUTAL#its just so weird becausw like ive talked about this with people before and had no problems but this was like BAD#i need to assess my relationship to some things AGAIN but its like so hard because as soon as i start i get the thioughts and i get upset#maybe in like a week ill be able to approach it#but its like it would probably be less upsettting if i coukd figure out WHY its so upsetting and like my relationship to it#but i cant do that becausw it upsets me#WHATEVER
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I'm now OFFICIALLY permanent at my new data analysis job which in addition to being super cool bc I get to autistically play around in Excel for money now ALSO means that I can get my next piercings since I no longer have to wear a headset for ten hours a day and I am vibrating in excitement. I can finally get more holes stabbed into me
#ive been wanting to get more ear piercings for YEARS#but that is not a good idea when you work at a call center#i can FINALLY get my next ones done tho. im gonna be getting two more helix piercings on my left ear (for a total of three)#once they heal enough for me to change the jewelry ill have so many options to make them look cool#i cant really buy a lot of cool jewelry bc im allergic to most metals which is part of why im just sticking to ear piercings#but with them all being in a line like that i can mix different 'plain' pieces in cool ways#three barbells in a line is already gonna look cool but imagine three jeweled studs in a line#or three captive ball rings kinda draped over each other#or MAYBE if i can find one thats the right type of metal even one of those spiral piercings that goes through all of them#the possibilities are endless#after those heal completely (i am NOT gonna have both of my ears healing at once i would like to be able to SLEEP bro)#i plan to get an industrial on my right ear#im SO excited yall ive been waiting for YEARS & now im finally gonna have my plans for my left ear finished hopefully within a week or two#and then in about half a year or so i can get my plans for my right ear finished too#a year after that ill be fully healed and either be completely done or ready for the new ideas i came up with in the meantime#im going to become the cool dyke with a lot of piercings that i was always meant to be 🙏#and healing is gonna be much easier now that my sides are shaved. less chance of getting my hair caught or getting shampoo in it#this is gonna be great#rambling
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This wretched sudden health complication the past few days threw off my entire plan for my Draft I had to ask for another extension cuz of it orz... I'm going to sooo get to the final product after I write enough for this month.
#aria rants#i wanted to write 5k words on it literally on sunday cuz i was like: the check-in's deadline is on the 24th. itd be so great if i can get#5k words and more added to it in the span of the week! *health complication happened spanning for 3 days and then some*#aw dang it orz... and ill be going to my sister's house too which means ill be away from the pc meaning... i wouldnt be able#to type it all out easily (i can still work on the draft on mobile cuz its in google docs but augh... touch typing... difficult...)#im going to write so much on pen and paper during my stay with my sister honestly and then maybe type some out on mobile and just#do the rest on the pc when i get back but at least! i can still work on it 👀 and hopefully i get to work on it lots! to completion!!!
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Less than 24 hours and the big piece of rose quartz is already looking much smoother
Unfortunately I didnt take very many before shots of this one before it went in
But the edges have already started to round out. Might pull it from step one early and replace it with the ones I took out to bring the weight down cuz the jaspers aren't going as fast
#thankfully having the box and towel over tumbler isnt making it overheat#its not as loud or squeaky today as it was last night#but id still rather have the box over it to muffle the noise a bit#hopefully the big one smoothing out this fast means ill only have to do each step for 3 days#ill probably still check them every day cuz im a worrier and i dont like not being able to see whats happening in there lol#if i think any need to go through step one again by tuesday ill just pull them and set them aside so i can move on to step 2#i probably couldve skipped step one completely with my oldest rock cuz it was already pretty smooth#but eh#the biggest piece in there smoothing out so well makes me hopeful for my really big piece of quartz#i think ill do that one next#i can achieve my dream of having a giant polished rock
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went completely insane and bought myself persona 5 royal
#in my defense steam has a summer sale rn#although i couldve bought something much cheaper#re2 remake is 10 euro rn which is really cheap for a game like that#my pc would probably explode though so better not#plus p5r has like 100 hours of gameplay!! completely insane#AND im contributing to the funding of p3r GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD#i am not going to be able to play p3r when it comes out bc ill be suffering at college BUT maybe next year over the summer*#am i completely broke right now? yes. do i regret it? a little#i will work part time though hopefully so i'll make the money back :))))#rambles
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i hate being everyones depressed friend bc i dont wanna be a fucking downer + also at a core level i dont actually believe the world is miserable etc + i genuinely have a lot of lust 4 life + enjoy being a bit silly to keep the horrors at bay but also maintaining this 'only mildly depressed but still a fun guy to be around!' persona/facade around ppl makes me want to rip all my fucking skin off sometimes
#like great well i guess i will just never have a shred of real human connection ever in my life forever 👍#bc no one is able to handle even seeing me at the most diluted base level of depressed i let them glimpse. let alone hold space w me#this isnt rly in relation to anything specific ive just been having a rly tough week + theres no one to tell abt it so i just have to cope#and even if anyone did give a shit theyd have to be willing to ask and dig to keep me completely truthful and also id have to trust them#in other words its just not smth that could possibly happen lmfao#fuck i miss aleks so much sometimes like maybe they didnt know me so much and i kept a lot back but they were there for a while at least#and that was enough yknow it doesnt have to be all that much im not asking for the world here just someones shoulder every now and then#urhgfhg oh well. its ok this is just how it goes how the cards are dealt etc. at least im not affecting anyone. at least im here for myself#hopefully tomorrow will be a little better etcetcetc over and over for the rest of my life#if anyones reading this sorry for being grumpy ill be alright i promise just needed 2 vent a bit! kissing u on the forehead + tucking u in#goodnighttghrthtthkt#.vent
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