#hope to get started with this this week! once i finish my essays-

[daily-rubbersoul-redux]

finally, the boy

[happywitch416]

One would think with all the pain I live with that I would not turn into the world's littlest bitch when I have extra pain but damn. I think knee pain so bad your legs shake too much to walk in both knees is probably enough to put most people out.

I'm just so well adjusted to pain that I won't pass out.

[slut4thebroken]

Teacher’s Pet

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jonathan Crane x reader

Summary | After months of trying to earn your professor’s praise, he finally gives you an opportunity to prove you deserve it.

Warnings | Smut, dub con, blackmail, coercion, humiliation, anal, bondage, praise, creampie, degradation, inappropriate use of fear toxin.

Words | 6.2 k

Notes | Started this a million years ago. Finally got the motivation to finish it cause of @hllywdwhre ‘s fic that I proofread lol. Also ty to the post that gave me the fear toxin idea 🙏🏻

Ao3 link | <3

Masterlist

In honor of the one year anniversary since the start of my Cillian hyperfixation <3

Dr. Crane was one of the most strict and unforgiving professors at Gotham University. He graded harshly, didn’t tolerate late or incomplete work, and no one would ever dare be late— if they were, they just wouldn’t show up because an absence was better than his response to tardiness. He didn’t have any favorite students, just some that he tolerated slightly more than the rest. That was what you hated the most. 

You’ve always been the favorite student for every single teacher you’ve had, whether they said it out loud or not. After the first couple of weeks, you figured he’d just be harder to crack than the rest. But after almost two months, you were starting to get frustrated. Nothing you did ever earned you any sort of praise. You were always early, always the first to turn in assignments, participated in class, paid attention— you were the perfect student. But he never seemed to recognize that. What made you snap was when he gave you a B on your latest essay. 

Lightly knocking on his office door, you tried to control your nerves and push down the nausea— You’ve never had to talk with a teacher about a grade before…

“Come in.” He called out. So you opened the door and hesitantly stepped inside. He glanced at you quickly, then did a double take once he realized it was you. “Close the door.” He said, resuming what he was doing. You took in a quiet, deep breath and closed the door before walking over and sitting on the chair across from his desk. 

“I’m assuming this is about your essay?” He asked, not even looking up from his work. 

“Yes.. You gave me a B, I was hoping to understand why.” You said tentatively. 

“Did you not read my notes?” Of course you did. But it still didn’t make any sense. 

“No, I did, but-” He finally looked up at you with a sigh. 

“Then you should understand why I gave you that grade.”

“This essay was practically perfect.” You argued, holding up the stapled together pieces of paper, marked up with red ink. 

“Clearly not if you got a B.” He raised his brows and you clenched your jaw, trying not to get too upset or emotional.

“Dr. Crane, I’ve aced every single test and assignment, I’d hardly say this is a fair grade.” You frowned. 

“Your argument was weak and biased.” Your lips parted in shock at the bluntness of his criticism. “And your previous assignments have no impact on my grading. If you’d like them to though, I’d be more than willing to grade them again to see if I missed anything.” 

“It- it wasn’t… I spent weeks on this.” 

“And yet… You still weren’t good enough for an A.” He said, making your stomach churn. Especially because he didn’t even say ‘your essay’ he just said ‘you.’ Looking down at the papers in your hands, you scanned them quickly as if it would magically give you the answer. “Review my notes for the next essay. Maybe you’ll do better.” 

“What is your problem with me?” You snapped, looking up at him again, watching his brows raise slightly. “Have I done something to offend you?” 

“I don’t tolerate entitled students who are used to being the teacher's pet. Whatever previous, unearned success and praise you're used to receiving is of no concern to me. It is not my fault if you came into this class expecting to be treated differently for doing the same thing as every other student.” 

“I- I’m not.. entitled. I just like my work and effort to be appreciated and not.. given a B.” 

“You want me to tell you that you’re such a good girl, turning in everything on time— as expected— and doing well on your assignments— as expected.” The faux praise, as well as the condescension that laced his voice, made your cheeks heat up instantly. 

“No, but,” 

“Then I think we’re done here.” 

The next day, you almost considered not going to class, but you’ve never had an absence on your record and you’re not about to start now. 

“We’re going to deviate from the lesson plan a little and talk about something else today; fear. Specifically, fear of rejection.” Your mouth dropped open at his words and if you had any doubts that this was because of your previous conversation, they quickly disappeared when he made eye contact with you.  

“There are a few different causes, can anyone give me an example?” This would’ve been the time where you raised your hand. But that apparently wasn’t necessary because he called on you anyway, making you freeze. 

“Um, I— I’m not sure.” You said nervously, sinking back into your chair a little. 

“There’s a perfect example right there; anxiety and social comparison. Too anxious and insecure to answer a simple question. Who else can give an example?” You stared at him with wide eyes that quickly started burning with tears. Now you felt even more stupid than you would’ve, had you just answered him and potentially gotten it wrong.

Class dragged on slowly. He talked more about causes, what it looks like, how it affects performance— especially in school— and various treatments. 

You couldn’t have been more relieved when he finally dismissed the class. You rushed to pack your things and stood up, quickly making your way to the exit. 

When he called your name though, you froze, praying you heard him wrong. “Stay back for a moment.” Your peers gave you sympathetic looks as you turned around and slowly made your way back over to his desk. 

“Yes, professor?” You asked, voice strained. 

“I hope you found today's lesson helpful.” You gritted your teeth and gave him a dry smile. 

“It was… inspiring, Dr. Crane.” You said plainly, trying to control your tone. His expression was only becoming more and more amused. 

“I’m glad. Though I didn’t see you taking notes.” That made you falter. 

“I- I was,”

“Great. Let me see them.” You looked away from him and shifted your weight awkwardly. 

“See them?” 

“Did you not understand?” Your face flushed with anger and embarrassment at his patronizing tone. 

“I did. I just wasn’t aware that notes were something you needed to see.” 

“If a student isn’t paying attention for the entirety of my class then, yes, notes are something I need to see.” You swallowed thickly, trying to come up with a response, and he watched you intently as he waited.  

“Look, professor, you’ve made your point, okay? I don’t think you need to continue humiliating me.” You said quietly, not looking at him. He let out a heavy breath through his nose and you watched in your peripheral vision as he took off his glasses, setting them down. He slowly rounded the desk and you couldn’t help it when you instinctively took a step back. 

“That’s a shame. I had hoped this lecture would’ve been helpful, but since you clearly weren’t paying attention, maybe I need to try another method.” 

“I- I was paying attention…” You muttered, keeping your head down. 

“Really? Then why don’t you tell me some of the ways one can overcome a fear of rejection.” He leaned back on his desk and crossed his arms over his chest. The feeling of his eyes on you almost made you shiver and you took a quiet, deep breath before lifting your head to look at him again. 

This is an easy enough question. You can probably figure out the answer if you just use critical thinking since he was correct about you not paying attention. 

“Um… cognitive behavioral therapy?” You waited and when he didn’t out right humiliate you, you assumed that was a right answer and continued. “Exposure therapy. Self esteem enhancement… Emotion regulation?” 

“Anything else?” 

“…You said “some.’” You muttered, briefly looking away from him again. 

“I did, didn’t I?” His tone made it clear that he didn’t care about what he previously said. 

“Um, I- I’m not sure…” 

“Feel free to use your notes.” 

Fuck. 

When you looked up and saw the almost smug expression on his face, you finally snapped. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that for one day, I couldn’t pay attention after you humiliated me in front of the entire class.” You spat, clenching your jaw as soon as you finished speaking. The longer he stayed silent, the more uncomfortable you became under his gaze, making you look away from him awkwardly. 

“Tell me why this shouldn’t affect your grade.” You knew his question was rhetorical, but you still tried to defend yourself. 

“Dr. Crane,” You started, but he raised his brows, silently warning you to not talk back. 

“I’ll see you later today during my office hours.” He said as he packed up his belongings. 

“But,” 

“Five pm.” He didn’t let you continue as he walked toward the door. All you could do was stand there and watch him leave. 

At 4:30 you paced around your dorm, debating what to do. At 4:35 you decided not to go. At 4:40 you changed your mind. At 4:50 you were pacing outside his office. At 4:55 you finally knocked, feeling like you could throw up at any second. He called out for you to enter, so you hesitantly opened the door and stepped inside. 

“Close the door and sit down.” He didn’t even look up from what he was working on. You closed the door quietly, then made your way over to the chair in front of his desk. You tried to sit there patiently, but he wasn’t saying anything. Your leg bounced incessantly as you picked at your cuticles, over thinking more and more with each tortuous second that dragged on. 

“Professor?” You finally asked. 

“You’re early. I told you to come at five and I need to finish this.” He still didn’t look up from whatever “this” was and you were quickly growing angrier. 

Was this some kind of mind fuck? Making you sit here, stewing in nerves that were only getting worse? You weren’t sure how much time had passed because you didn’t want to check your phone and give him another opportunity to chastise you. But after a while, he finally sighed and gathered the papers, setting them in a pile on the side of his desk. 

You forced yourself to stop bouncing your leg and place your palms flat on your thighs to keep from fidgeting, trying to exude confidence you were severely lacking. 

“I’ll admit, I’ve been struggling to decide what I should do with you.” Immediately your stomach churned, getting even more anxious. “I could have you removed from my class, but that would be a lot of paperwork.”

“Professor,” 

“I’m speaking.” He said harshly, making your mouth immediately close. “However, that does mean I’ll have to put up with this for another few months… So the paperwork might be worth the hassle.” You tried not to cry at the thought. You need this class to graduate— getting dropped from it will set you back a semester unless you add another course to your already heavy schedule for next semester. You waited, not sure if he was done talking or not. After another few seconds you decided to try again. 

“Please…” You said hesitantly, waiting for him to snap at you again. When he didn’t, you continued. “Please don’t drop me, professor. I need this class to graduate.” He stayed silent, eyes dragging over your body as you did your best not to squirm. He still hasn’t said anything… Is he going to drop you anyway? With tears in your eyes, you tried again, “Please… Please I- I’ll leave you alone— I won’t bother you about grades anymore, I swear, just please don’t drop me.” You all but whimpered, feeling even more pathetic now. 

He sighed and took off his glasses, then set them on his desk before leaning back in his chair a little, still studying you. 

“I’d still have to put up with you in class as well though.” 

“Please! I’ll sit in the back and not talk— I’ll do anything, just please don’t drop me.” You cried.

“Anything?” You stiffened a little at the dark expression that suddenly took over his face. Would you really do anything? You wouldn’t mind fucking him if that’s what he’s implying— despite his off putting personality, you’ve always been attracted to him.  

“Y-yes?” You said, unsure.  

“That didn’t sound very convincing and I’m not going to force you so I’ll just go through with the drop request,”

“No! I will— I’ll do anything… Please.” He continued studying you, probably trying to gauge if you were telling the truth or not. 

“Fine. We’ll call it an internship of sorts. You’ll come with me to Arkham Asylum every Friday and help me in whatever way I may need— no questions asked.” 

“I- I don’t know if I’m qualified for that.” 

“Good thing it’s not an actual internship then.” He sneered, the patronizing tone making you blush. 

“What will you have me do?” You asked quietly. 

“It’ll be easier to just show you instead. Give me your essay and after Friday if I’m satisfied with your performance, I’ll change the grade.” Your heart practically skipped a beat— all you have to do is go to Arkham with him for a day and you’ll get an A? You’d be stupid to say no. So you retrieved your essay from your bag and handed it to him. “Good. Six pm, do not be late. I’ll meet you in the main lobby to take you to my office.” He said sternly. 

Since you left his office, your heart has been pounding. You weren’t sure what to wear so you just decided on a skirt and blouse that were professional, but still mostly casual. After that, there wasn’t much else you could do. You were too anxious to focus on literally anything so you just sat at home, overthinking. Friday rolled around and you left at five, just in case anything happened, and arrived at 5:25. So you sat in your car, waiting anxiously and watching the clock on the dashboard. You were too scared to even listen to music. At 5:55 you decided to go in, worst case you’d just have to wait five minutes for him, but you figured it’d be better to be early— even after what happened during his office hours. 

It was only a minute before six when he showed up. The second he saw you, he gestured for you to follow, so you trailed after him on wobbly legs. When you arrived in his office, he closed the door and told you to sit in the chair across from him as he sat behind the desk. 

“I want to make sure that we’re on the same page and I have your consent for anything that happens here.” The way he worded that made you nervous, but you chalked it up to the fact that you were already overcome with anxiety.

“Yes.” You tried to sound sure of yourself, but you were having doubts. What would he make you do? Would it really be worth a better grade?

“Good. Take this.” He picked up a small paper cup from his desk with one pill inside and handed it to you. 

“…Why?”

“There are certain aerosol drugs that are administered to patients sometimes. That will keep them from affecting you.” He explained calmly, easing your nerves a bit. So you took it from him and swallowed it, waiting for what was next. “Follow me.” He stood up again, this time holding a briefcase, and you followed him out of his office. He led you down some hallways before stopping outside of a door and unlocking it, gesturing for you to walk in. 

There was a small table in the corner and two exam chairs with restraints on them, one of which had stirrups. Other than that the room was bare. The door closed loudly, making you jump and turn around. 

“Sit.” He ordered, walking over to the table and setting the briefcase down before walking toward you. 

“Why?” You asked skeptically. He just stood patiently and watched you. You suddenly got hit with a wave of dizziness and stumbled to the chair to sit down. The dizziness quickly turned into exhaustion and you could barely keep your eyes open. When you started falling forward, he quickly moved closer to catch you, then leaned you back against the chair. 

Your head hurt like hell and you forced your eyes open to find that you were now laying on the other exam chair, thankfully not with your legs in the stirrups, but with the restraints on your wrists. You don’t even remember falling asleep. 

“The effects should wear off soon. I apologize for using that, but I figured you wouldn’t willingly let me restrain you and I didn’t feel like fighting you.” 

“What… what was that?” You asked through a breath. You could slowly feel yourself getting less and less foggy. 

“A drug.” He said, in the most annoyed and patronizing tone you’ve heard from him so far. 

“Why?” You whimpered, closing your eyes again because they still felt so heavy. 

“If you’re going to ask stupid questions then I’m just going to gag you. I already answered that.” You heard some rustling noises and his footsteps, then a hand was running along your cheek, startling you and making you open your eyes. “You remember our agreement?” You nodded hesitantly. It felt like your heart was about to beat out of your chest with how hard and fast it was pounding. “Be a good little girl and if I’m satisfied, I won’t drop you. I might even change the grade of your essay.” You didn’t need the reminder, but the way he said the first part was making your stomach flutter. 

“I have to say,” he removed his hand from your cheek and moved down to place it on your leg, just above your knee, “I prefer the sluttier skirts you wear to class than this.” He teased the hem of your skirt with his fingers, making you tremble. “Next week wear something shorter. And a more flattering top.” You figured by ‘more flattering’ what he really meant was more revealing. All you could do to respond was nod. 

“Good. Let’s begin.” 

He reached for the zipper of your skirt on your hip, making you stiffen. 

“What the hell are you doing?” You asked, beginning to panic again, and he paused with a sigh. 

“If you don’t consent, that’s fine… There is still the matter of your seat in my class.” He said coyly. “If you want me to let you go, just say that. I’ll fill out the paperwork first thing Monday morning.” 

“No,” You choked out. “No.. please.” You felt like you were on the verge of a panic attack. He shushed you softly, staring at you with a teasing glint in his eyes. 

“Relax. If you consent to this, you’ll keep your seat in my class. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” You nodded, looking up at him with teary eyes. “Good girl… Now be quiet and let me do this.” His tone was significantly darker and all you could do was tremble as he unzipped your skirt, then pulled it down your body before discarding it on the floor. 

“I’ve been working on a new form of a drug.” You squeezed your eyes shut and let out a strangled whimper when he grabbed your leg and placed it in the stirrup, then used the restraints to keep it in place. “We’re going to try it together.” He grinned wolfishly and did the same to your other leg. 

You heard his footsteps as he walked across the room for something, then back over to you, now wearing a latex glove on his right hand, holding a small bottle in the other. 

“Remember, you can withdraw consent at any time…” You couldn’t though. Because you would be dropped from his class and set back months. 

His hand landed on your thigh, making you jump a little, and he started slowly dragging it up. Once he was close enough, he brushed his thumb over your clothed mound, forcing a quiet sob from you.  

“You probably thought this was going to go in a very different direction, didn’t you?” He asked teasingly, making you blush. Truthfully, you didn’t put much thought into your undergarments because you were too busy worrying about your actual clothes and what he was going to make you do. You cried out when he suddenly ripped the lace off your body, feeling the burn of the fabric pulling too hard against your skin. “Ready?” He asked, almost eagerly. 

You saw now that the bottle was a clear liquid and when he squirted it onto his fingers, you assumed it was lube. As soon as his finger brushed your asshole, you stiffened. 

“Wait!” You rushed out, chest heaving as your heart pounded in your chest. “I- I’ve never…” 

“You’ve never done anal?” You almost thought he was going to give you sympathy. “Good.” You couldn’t even get another word out before he was pushing a finger in, making you tense up as you whimpered in discomfort. “Tell me when you start to feel it.” 

“Feel what?” You said through a breath, trying to relax around the intrusion. Even though it wasn’t as bad as you were expecting, your heart was pounding even harder and faster in your chest, and your breathing grew ragged. “Dr. Crane,” You whimpered, suddenly a million times more anxious than only a moment ago. 

“Already?” He checked his watch, “That was fast. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“Anxious.” You said quickly, letting out a strangled whimper when he forced another finger inside. “M-my heart is pounding and it feels hard to breathe.” 

“That’s good… Anything else?” 

“My hands are clammy… and it feels like I'm sweating a little.” 

“No visual or auditory hallucinations?” 

“What?” You choked out, eyes widening. “W-why would I have that??”

“The drug we’re testing is my fear toxin. It’s a hallucinogenic that targets the amygdala and releases stress hormones, causing a fear response in the brain.” He explained, only making you feel worse. “So far I’ve tested it two ways; administered intravenously and in aerosol form.” 

“I don’t understand..” You said quietly, trying to calm your breathing a little. He let out an exaggerated sigh and forced a third finger inside you. 

“I guess I should really expect you to.” He almost sounded.. disappointed. The realization made the twist in your stomach even worse. “Let me dumb it down for you. In its most potent form, it causes visual and auditory hallucinations of the subject’s worst fear.” If you weren’t currently on the verge of a panic attack with three fingers in your ass, you probably would’ve rolled your eyes at his tone. 

“Now I’m testing it via rectal administration. The concentration is about the same, but the effects shouldn’t be as strong. At least, that’s my theory.” His fingers continued fucking you slowly, occassionally spreading apart to open you up more. Despite the amount of anxiety you were currently feeling, you could just barely feel your growing arousal.  

“W-why would you want the drug in this form?” You asked, gasping for air between words. 

“I’m a doctor. Why wouldn’t I experiment?” He asked rhetorically. You bit your lip and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to focus on the anxiety rather than the arousal, but it was only becoming more difficult. A choked moan escaped you when he suddenly dragged a bare finger through your folds, spreading the evidence of your arousal. “Are you enjoying this?” His voice sounded unnervingly clinical. 

In response, you bit down harder on your lip and shook your head, denying it. You could practically feel his eyes on you, studying you closely. 

“I knew you’d be perfect for this.” He suddenly said, and you bit back a moan because he almost sounded proud. “You’re just pathetic enough and desperate for my approval to willingly become my little lab rat, and now look at you… Leaking onto my hand as I finger your ass.” He chuckled wryly. A dark blush took over your face and you whined quietly, but the flutter in your stomach was unmistakable. “I bet you want my cock also… Don’t you?” 

You let out a choked sob and turned your head, trying uselessly to hide yourself. When he suddenly pulled his fingers out, you whimpered quietly at the sudden loss. 

“Look at me.” He demanded, in a tone that left no room for argument. As if you were in a trance, you turned to face him and opened your eyes. “You want to keep your seat in my class?” He removed the glove and tossed it aside, then worked on unbuckling his belt and opening his pants. 

“Yes.” You whispered shakily. 

“And you’re willing to let me fuck your ass to ensure that happens?” He pulled his already half hard cock out and started stroking slowly as you gaped at it. How was that supposed to fit inside you?

“I- I’ve never..”

“It’s a yes or no question.” He sighed impatiently. “I fuck your ass or you leave and I fill out the form Monday morning.” 

“I… I’m scared.” You whimpered, looking nervously between his face and his cock. 

“That’s the whole point, darling.” Right. Because he was testing his fear toxin. You blushed furiously at the new pet name. “You have three seconds before I fuck you, then fill out the form anyway.” 

Your stomach dropped at the threat and when he raised his brows, you blurted out, “Yes.” Tears were brimming in your eyes and he stepped closer, but didn’t line up yet. He just used his free hand to gently rub your thigh. 

“Yes, what?” Your bottom lip began trembling when you realized what he wanted from you. “Say it. Beg your professor for it.”

“I- I want…” You let out a strangled sob and squeezed your eyes shut again, making his hand stop moving on your thigh to grip tightly in a silent warning. “I want you to fuck my ass… Please, Dr. Crane.” You whimpered. You’ve never felt more humiliated, but at the same time… you were only becoming more aroused. Your cunt ached to be filled, and your clit was practically throbbing.

“Good girl.” When you let out a choked moan at the sudden praise, he chuckled quietly. “Open your eyes. I want you to watch.” He demanded, lining up. Only after your eyes fluttered open, did he finally apply some pressure, entering you with little difficulty. 

“Fuck- You’re so tight.” He hissed, moving his hand to your other thigh and squeezing almost painfully. Your breath and all of your sounds were caught in your throat as he pushed in deeper, not stopping until his hips were flush with your ass. “Tell me how it feels.” He said breathily, not moving yet. 

“Big.” You whimpered, barely able to get the word out. 

“Does it hurt?” You shook your head, trying to steady your breathing, but the overwhelming feeling of being stretched as well as the anxiety still weighing heavy on your chest made it feel almost impossible. “You look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack.” He sounded uncharacteristically dulcet.

When he reached for your shirt and unbuttoned it to expose your bra, your breathing picked up even more as your heart started pounding even harder in your chest. He pulled your bra down below your breasts and groped you eagerly, showing little regard for your pleasure with his rough, almost painful touch. 

“Your heart’s beating so fast. Is my little lab rat still scared?” He cooed, very obviously mocking you. 

“Professor..” You whimpered, staring up at him with glossy eyes as you struggled to cope with all of the overwhelming feelings, both physically and emotionally. He shushed you softly and brought his hands back down to rub your thighs, trying to soothe you. 

“I’m going to fuck you, and you’re going to take it.” He said plainly. “You try to resist at all and I’ll keep fucking you until I finish, then you won’t have to bother showing up to class on Monday. Do you understand?” 

You nodded reluctantly and he moved his hands to grip the tops of your thighs. He slowly dragged his hips back, then forward again, forcing you to feel every inch of his cock stretching you open. It didn’t… hurt. But it definitely wasn’t the most pleasurable thing you’ve ever experienced. 

When he suddenly sped up, you cried out and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to focus on taking deep breaths. He was grunting and moaning quietly with each thrust, clearly enjoying this far more than you, and you couldn’t help but open your eyes again to watch him. His grip tightened on your thighs, making you whimper, and you watched his mouth fall open in a silent moan as he closed his eyes. 

“Fuck…” He said breathily, letting out a low groan before opening his eyes again. “I didn’t account for transdermal administration” He almost sounded amused again, but you could barely focus on his words. “The effects are far less than what you’re feeling, I’d assume. It almost feels like adrenaline, rather than fear. Next time we’ll try it intravaginally to see if your reaction is the same or more like mine.” 

You almost forgot that this wasn’t a one and done. You have to let your professor do what he wants with you every week for the rest of the semester…

“And I think I’ll try the other forms of delivery on you as well. Not so much for an experiment… I just want to fuck you while you’re hallucinating your greatest fears.” His lips curled up into a small smirk at the thought of that. “I can’t wait to hear you scream and cry for me.” He cooed, but his tone was far from comforting and your anxiety was only getting worse as he continued sharing his future plans for you. 

He started bucking into you rapidly and his sounds got louder, clearly getting closer to his release. You could even feel yourself just barely starting to inch toward the edge. Your moans caught his attention and a pleased look took over his face. 

“You like this, don’t you?” You let out a choked moan and bit your lip, trying to quiet your sounds. “It’s either that or misattribution of arousal... but that seems less likely.” Even though you knew his guess was correct, you were still going to convince yourself that it was misattribution of arousal instead because that was far less humiliating. When he started rubbing your clit, any chance you had of keeping quiet was gone instantly. His moans got louder too when your body tensed up, tightening around his cock. 

“Oh god— Dr. Crane, please.” You sobbed, feeling the arousal steadily taking over the anxiety that had settled in your stomach. 

“What do you want?” Now that he asked, you realized that you don’t even know what you want. You wanted the overwhelming anxiety and stretch to stop… but the thought of him pulling out and ending this almost brought tears of desperation to your eyes. His fingers sped up on your clit and your back arched off of the exam chair as an involuntary mewl escaped you. 

“Please let me come.” You whimpered pathetically and he let out a quiet chuckle in response to your brazenness. 

“How curious…” He murmured, gaze dragging all over your body. “I’ll admit, I figured some part of you would enjoy getting to please me, but I never imagined it’d be to this extent.” He said amusedly and your blush darkened in response. “You want to come?”

You were nodding eagerly before he could even finish. “Please.” 

“How about this— I'll raise the grade on your essay… or I’ll let you come.” You could see the barest hint of a smirk on his lips and you let out a frustrated sob, squeezing your eyes shut. “Well?”

“Dr. Crane…” You whimpered, bottom lip trembling as you tried not to cry. When you opened your eyes and stared up at him through the tears, his smirk widened. “Please..” 

“Should I choose for you?” 

“No…” You sobbed, looking away from him and biting your lip. The whole point of this was so he’d change the grade… You can’t give in to the pleasure now that you’re so close to finally getting what you came here for. “I- I want you to change my grade.” Your voice was barely a whisper. As soon as he got your answer, he removed his hand from your clit to grab the top of your thigh again, bucking into you rapidly as he chased his orgasm. 

“We’re going to have a lot of fun together, my little lab rat.” He was clearly satisfied with your choice and while part of you was almost crying from frustration… another part couldn’t help but revel in the fact that you pleased him, even if it was at the expense of your own pleasure. 

His hips snapped into you rapidly, the force of it almost pushing you up the exam chair, but the restraints on your legs kept you mostly in place. As he focused on his impending orgasm, you were practically mesmerized. He looked so… pretty. The pleasure in his expression was obvious and there was a faint blush on his cheeks. His normally pale blue eyes were darker as he took you in, studying every tiny reaction to his ministrations. 

When he suddenly pushed forward all the way and stayed there, you let out a whine of displeasure, knowing whatever pleasure you might’ve been feeling before was about to disappear. But the choked moan he let out as he closed his eyes made you almost forget all about it. His hips bucked forward sporadically as his cock twitched inside you with each rope of come that shot out, filling you up.  

Finally his sounds quieted into heavy breathing and his body went still. You waited anxiously for what was next, not sure what to expect. Opening his eyes again, he watched as he slowly dragged his hips back until his cock slipped free, forcing out a quiet hiss from him and a whimper from you at the sensitivity. 

“Push it out.” His voice was raspy and still thick with arousal. When you pushed his come out, he let out a low groan as he watched, bending down a little to get a closer look. “Good girl.” He cooed, making you whine as the words went straight to your cunt that was still aching with need. 

“You can remain here until the effects wear off. I want to see how long that takes.” He said, almost clinically, while checking his watch. Your eyes stayed on him as he tucked his cock back in his pants before collecting the lube and discarded glove. 

“Are you going to let me go?” Your voice was quiet and timid as submission still heavily clouded your mind. He looked over at you again, almost surprised by your voice. He glanced at the restraints before dragging his gaze all over your body for a moment. Finally, he smirked a little and went back to what he was doing. 

“Soon.” You sighed in response and stayed quiet. As you breathed deeply, trying to ignore the arousal still lingering in your stomach, you noticed that the anxious feeling was starting to subside a little. Your heart was still beating rapidly, but now it was hard to tell if it was from fear, adrenaline, or your own unsatisfied arousal. 

“I think it’s wearing off.” You told him and he checked his watch again. 

“What are you feeling?” He finally walked back over to you and stared at your face with an almost impressive level of professionalism, given the circumstances. 

“My heart is still pounding, but my breathing is better. And I don’t feel very nauseous either.” 

“Next week I want to test this again so I have a control group to compare these results to. It’ll be the same thing, but I won’t finger you for as long and I won’t fuck you until after it wears off.” He reached out and gently grabbed your chin, angling your face up to look at him as he stepped closer. “Of course… that’s assuming you still want to keep your spot in my class…” He trailed off, making the statement sound like a question instead. 

“I do.” You said quickly. Especially after this… you were desperate to stay enrolled in his class, but you were also— as much as you didn’t want to admit it— desperate for more after he gave you this small taste. 

“Good girl.” Your cheeks heated up instantly and he patted one with his hand before stepping back again. “Keep being my little lab rat and I have no doubt you’ll pass my class… maybe even with the grade you think you deserve.” 

[bumblesimagines]

Marcus Baker

you never gave me back my things.

i was hoping i'd see you again.

i never like how it ended between us.

you never gave me back my things.

i was hoping i'd see you again.

i never like how it ended between us.

Pronouns: They/Them/Theirs, Gender Neutral!Reader

You released a sigh of relief as you slumped back in the chair and released the pencil, giving your aching hand a much-needed break. You rubbed the area between your thumb and index finger, pleased to have finally finished the five-page essay for English class. You were certain if you had to read another ancient poem and write an essay about it again, you'd have a breakdown alongside your classmates. But with the pressure of the deadline disappearing, you looked forward to taking a break from classwork. 

You stood up from the table and collected the papers, carefully slipping them into a folder and then sliding the folder into your backpack. You nodded to the other students studying and working at the table before slinging your backpack over your shoulder and making a beeline for the doors. As much as you loved the school's library, you never wanted to step foot in it again for at least two weeks. 

"Hey, (Y/N)!" A voice called out, attempting to be quiet but still getting dirty looks from those nearby. Marcus dipped his head apologetically and whispered a few 'sorry's before facing you and offering a sheepish, equally as apologetic smile. 

Before Virginia Miller had strolled into Wellsbury, you might've greeted Marcus with a kiss and told him all about your day. You might've taken his hand, listened to his troubles, and given him as much advice and reassurance as he needed. But he'd chosen to ruin the relationship you'd poured so much time into over a girl he hardly knew well. You half-expected them to boldly continue their secret relationship as an official couple now, but all you saw were longing looks from her and an exhausted-looking Marcus.

"I heard you were going to start tutoring again and- and was wondering if you could help me with homework? I'll pay you, obviously. I don't have a lot but-"

"Silver's looking, too. I can pass her your number and she'll help you with whatever you need, Marcus." You told him, turning on your heel and stepping out of the library. The door shut behind you, only to open again as Marcus followed. The Bakers seemed like a notoriously stubborn family, and yet they'd been a family you once wished to become a part of.

"Actually, I was hoping I'd see you again. I-I wanted to talk about everything, you know? I didn't like how it ended between us." Marcus explained, occasionally stumbling over his words as he quickened his pace to catch up with you. 

"Oh, you mean how you spent months secretly hooking up with your neighbor who was in a relationship with one of your sister's friends and I found out at the same time as everyone else because you didn't have the balls to tell me you didn't want to be with me anymore? It would've saved me a whole lot of trouble, Marcus. And by the way, you never gave me back my things."

Marcus quickened his step again and stepped in front of you, his hands shooting out to grab your forearms and force you to stop. You pursed your lips, your jaw clenching briefly and head tilting to finally look him in the eye. "I fucked up, and I'm really sorry, (Y/N). And I didn't tell you about Ginny because I didn't want to break up. I-I-I was an asshole, I know that. I don't know what I was thinking but I knew I didn't want to lose you. I was confused and-"

"You were confused for nearly a whole year, Marcus? I seriously doubt that. Like I said, you would've saved me a lot of trouble being honest. Besides, if Ginny really wanted you, she wouldn't have gotten with Hunter." You brushed his arms away and stepped back. "Please, just drop this Marcus. It's over and it'll stay over. Maybe I'll forgive you and we'll become friends again but... I don't really want you in my life right now."

[leilakisakabiri]

request: Hi can you do where the reader is wearing Gavis hoodie and she accidentally stains it and starts freaking out. Thank uuu and i love ur writing

I Got You (Gavi)

Summary: You need Gavi to come help you after you get yourself into a bad situation.

Warning(s): None

A/N: Thank you so much for the request and for your support! Requests are open. Currently working on The Promises We Keep Pt 2. Also, guys if I haven't done your request yet, don't worry, it probably means it's gonna be a long one.

Word Count: 3.1k+

Masterlist

It was a Saturday night in Barcelona, and you were holed up in your room, feet tucked under you, a knitted blanket over your shoulders as you read over the words in front of you for the hundredth time.

While the city was alight with people getting drinks, dancing, and laughing, you silenced your phone, closed your blinds, and put your headphones on to quiet any outside noises. 

You had decided to stay in this weekend, caught up in writing an essay for your criminal law class that was worth 50% of your grade. Safe to say you did not take it lightly. You had been hunched over your computer for the last nine hours, brain numb and fingers aching as you had tried to come up with a thesis and strong argument for your essay. You had blocked out this weekend to finish the essay, letting everyone know ahead of time not to contact you unless it was an emergency, including Gavi. 

Gavi had been gone for the last couple of days, traveling around Europe for the last leg of La Liga, and he had been adamant about spending as much time with you as he could once he got back - before his summer schedule kicked off. However, that hope was quickly cut short when you informed him you most likely wouldn’t be able to see him at all this weekend due to you being stuck finishing your essay. 

Although he had tried to convince you to change your mind, bribing you with the idea of endless cuddles and then promising to be as silent as possible while you wrote when his first idea didn’t work, you relented, knowing that having him around would be a major distraction, one that you couldn’t afford. 

“I’m sorry Pablo I don’t think I can this weekend. What about Monday?” You asked hopefully. 

He sighed over the phone, his face pulling into a frown, “I can’t. We’re leaving Monday morning for France.”

You bit on your lip, feeling bad, “I’m sorry I just really need to focus this weekend.” 

He nodded, “I get it. It just sucks. I wanted to see you at least once before I’m gone again. But it’s fine – I’ll survive.” He replied dramatically. 

You grinned, “Well I’ll miss you Pablito.” 

“I already miss you.” 

The smile on your face only grew as your heart warmed at his words, “I’ll text you if anything changes. Have a great game, I’ll be watching.” 

He gave you a wink, “Damn gotta show off now that my girls watching.” 

You giggled at him, “Bye Pablo.” 

He mocked your tone playfully, “Bye Y/n.” 

That was last week, and now you were nose deep in your essay, textbooks scattered around you as you looked for possible quotes to strengthen your thesis. You had been so busy scanning the words on the page that you hadn’t noticed your phone buzzing non-stop next to you. 

Once you saw the glow of your phone screen curiosity got the better of you and you flipped it around seeing you had eight missed calls from your best friend. 

Your eyebrows knitted in confusion, it was almost two in the morning, she would for sure be at a club right now, happily dancing the night away with your friends, so why was she consistently calling you? 

The phone buzzed once again and this time you were quick to answer. 

“Hello, Gia, what’s going on?” 

Her voice was slurred on the other end, but you could sense the panic regardless, “Y/n? I don’t know where I am, I was with the others but then I went to the bathroom, and I then couldn’t find anyone anymore. And this guy won’t leave me alone-”

“Gia, where are you? I’ll come get you.” You cut off her rambling, already rushing to put on your shoes, essay long forgotten. 

She hiccupped, “I’m at Macarena. I’m sorry no one else answered.” 

“No, no problem at all. I’m coming right now, Gia. Don’t move. I’m glad you called.” You comforted her. 

The club was only a twenty-minute walk from your house, and seeing as you didn’t have a car or the time to wait for public transport, it was your best option. 

You cursed yourself for not answering sooner as you rushed to get your keys, grabbing a random hoodie on the way out. 

Although summer was beginning to creep into Barcelona, the nights were still chilly with cold winds rushing through the area. 

You sped through the streets, walking with purpose as you finally reached the club. You were severely underdressed for the club wearing a random hoodie and yoga pants. You saw the line for the club was still extremely long, wrapping around the corner and you knew you had no time to waste. 

You took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself, you were never one to break any rules or ask for any special favors, but now seemed like a good time to start. 

You walked up to the club bouncer, ignoring the nasty look the guy at the front of the queue was sending you, “Excuse me. I need to get in right away, my friend is inside alone, and I need to help her.” 

You heard the guy next to you scoff. 

The bouncer looked at you unimpressed. “Sorry sweetheart. You want to get to her, you have to wait in line.” 

You relented, “Sir please, just look at my outfit,” you said gesturing to yourself, “clearly, I’m not here to party, I just need to get my friend and leave. You can even come with me!” 

He gave you an apprehensive look, taking in your appearance, “I can’t leave my post.” 

You groaned, “Fine, then can someone else escort me? I can literally call her right now. She’s not in the right head space.” 

He squinted his eyes at you, “You look familiar.” 

It finally clicked. This is where you had gone with Gavi and his team, celebrating after they had won a final a few weeks ago. They had treated you like royalty, blocking off a whole section just for you, the club owner even making an appearance to congratulate the team.

You didn’t like to use the fact that you were dating a well-known athlete as a way to get special privileges but if it meant helping your friend then you would do it. 

“Yeah, I was in VIP a few weeks ago. I know the owner, so please let me in.”

“What’s his name?” 

You racked your brain trying to think of that night, “Santiago. It was Santiago!” You replied, finally remembering. 

The bouncer gave you a once over before he finally nodded begrudgingly, “Fine – but be quick.” 

You heard the other people in line begin to argue but you quickly thanked the bouncer, rushing inside, not wanting to wait long enough for him to change his mind. 

God bless Gavi.

The place was packed, bodies pressed together so closely that you had to squeeze in between heavily making out couples and groups of friends to make your way to the middle. The strobe lights were going crazy, changing every few seconds to the beat of the music. There was a DJ booth twenty feet above the crowd playing EDM Spanish music and the crowd was going insane, chanting along. 

You hit your head on your forehead as you realized you forgot to ask her where she was. 

You pulled out your phone, letting out a breath of relief when she answered, “I’m here Gia. Where are you?” 

“I’m at- I said no, stop, I’m at the bar.” She huffed. You felt your anxiety rise, who was she talking to? 

“Ok, I’m coming.” 

You pushed through the throngs of people, finally spotting the bar, seeing her leaning against the counter, hands flying as she argued with someone. 

You walked towards them hearing the tail end of their conversation, a bad feeling in your stomach.

“Gia!” You yelled, coming to stand next to her. 

She gave you a relieved look, falling into you, the effort of standing up being too much. 

You caught her, hugging her back. 

“Oh wow – two for one. I got a buddy that would love you.” 

You steadied Gia looking up to see the guy she was talking with giving you a smirk. 

You held his gaze, annoyed, “No thanks. We’re leaving now.” 

You went to turn but he caught your wrist pulling you back, the drink in his hand sloshing,

“Woah, don’t go yet, the fun’s just getting started. Look my buddies are in VIP we can hook you up.” 

You yanked your hand away, giving him a disgusted look, “First don’t touch me. Second, we’re leaving.” 

“You’re not leaving.” He persisted. 

You raised an eyebrow, “Fucking watch me.” 

He reached for you again, but you were prepared, grabbing his hand, and flinging it off you, as you weaved into the crowd, ignoring his shouts. 

You let out a breath as you stepped outside of the club, grateful for the cold air after sweating through your hoodie in the packed club. 

You adjusted your hold on Gia, holding her waist as you started the trek back to your apartment. 

She stumbled over her steps as you walked, giggling, “Oh my god Y/n your bleeding!” 

You gave her a confused look, dragging her, “What?” 

She giggled again, reaching for your hoodie, “It’s coming from your stomach, look it’s red!” She pointed at your shirt. 

You looked down and you stopped in your tracks, breath hitching as you began to panic, “Oh shit Gia I’m wearing Gavi’s hoodie!” 

She stopped as well, letting go of you as she plopped onto the ground, staring up at you,

“So?” 

“So? He’s going to be so mad at me. That dick spilled his drink on me. This is a white hoodie – who knows if it will come out?” You stressed.

“It’s-" she hiccupped, “fine.” 

You shook your head, “No It’s not it’s his favorite hoodie, I didn’t even realize I was wearing it. Fuck, I have to clean as soon as we get home.” 

You started walking before you realized she wasn’t following you. 

“Gia?” 

You turned around to see her slumped against the sidewalk, eyes closed. 

You rushed to her side, shaking her, “Gia? Gia, are you okay?” 

She hummed, “I don’t feel so good.” 

“Can you walk? We’re almost halfway there.” You asked, helping her sit up so she was leaning against you. 

She groaned, “I’m going to throw up.” 

You looked around anxiously, unsure of what to do. You had left the main strip of clubs and restaurants, and were now on a back road, walking in an area that was dimly lit and that you weren’t too familiar with. 

“I can call an Uber.” 

You reached into your pocket, cursing yourself as you realized you had forgotten your wallet in the rush to get to the club. 

“Shit, I don’t have my wallet. Do you have yours?” 

“Antonio.” She groaned, leaning her head against your shoulder. 

You let out a huff, contemplating what to do. You attempted to get her to stand up once again, desperate to get out of the area, but she couldn’t stand, and you weren’t strong enough to carry her the rest of the way. You chewed on your lip debating a solution, but you didn’t want to do it unless it was the absolute, last, last resort. 

You spent the next five minutes calling all your friends, but no one answered. You groaned, frustrated, knowing you had run out of options. 

You heard your friend beginning to doze off and you shook her, “Gia stay awake.” 

She moaned, “Y/n I really don’t feel good. I don’t know what’s wrong.” 

Your finger hovered over the contact, and you finally pressed it, feeling the guilt build inside. 

It rang seven times before going to voicemail. You called back. 

On the third ring, the line finally connected, 

“Y/n? Why are you calling me so late?” Gavi’s voice was thick with sleep, his words murmured. 

Hearing his voice sent a pang of relief through you, and suddenly you didn’t feel so alone,

“Gavi I’m sorry. I really need your help.” 

He was up in an instant, wide awake, “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m stuck in the middle of the road with Gia. She got drunk and I went to get her but now I’m worried there’s something wrong. She can’t get up and we’re all alone. I don’t have any money. I called our friends, but no one answered, I-I didn’t know what to do.” You rushed out. 

You heard his breath accelerate on the other end of the line, “Ok don’t worry baby I’m coming. Send me your address, everything’s going to be okay. Just stay on the phone with me.” He reassured you. 

You nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you, “Thank you so much Gavi.”

You heard his car door open, “Anytime. If anything happens like this again you call me first, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

You stayed on the phone with him, rubbing Gia’s shoulder to comfort her, readjusting her whenever she began to doze off. 

Finally, you saw a familiar car pull onto the street, and you waved your hands, trying to get him to see you. 

The car made a quick turn and then Gavi was rushing out, a worried look on his face, 

“Oh thank god you’re okay. I was so worried.” 

“I’m so sorry for waking you. Thank you for coming.” 

“Y/n stop apologizing.” He said, helping you carry Gia to the car. 

Upon feeling that she was being lifted, her eyes shot open, “Y/n what’s going on?”

She glanced over to her left seeing Gavi before she turned to look at you, it took two seconds for her eyes to widen and then she was whipping her head back, “Gavi? The hell y-you doing here?” 

You giggled at her abruptness, “I had to call for help.” 

She turned to you, snuggling into your shoulder affectionately, “You’re the best Y/n. She was a rockstar today.” She spoke, as you both pushed her into the car. 

Gavi raised his eyebrow at you as you both got in, “A rockstar eh?” 

You rolled your eyes, “She’s just spewing nonsense.” 

Gia groaned in the back, hands clumsily coming to slap your shoulder, “Ehh don’t lie Y/n. You should have seen the way she talked to those guys – even I was scared.” 

You saw Gavi’s grip on the steering wheel tighten, his posture stiffened as he looked over at you,

“Guys? What guys?” 

You opened your mouth to reply but Gia beat you to it. 

“This one guy, he kept trying to get me to come with him, but then Y/n was like no way we’re leaving, and then he started hitting on her, but then he tried to grab her, and she karate chopped his hand! He was so embarrassed!” 

You felt yourself blushing at her recollection of events, “I did not karate chop his hand!” 

“Yes, you did. It was like in midair when he was talking about his friend that liked you, and then I blinked, and it was gone!”

“Did he try anything?” Gavi’s voice was hard, as he looked at you.

You shook your head, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, “No don’t worry. We were fine.” 

You felt his body relax under your touch, and one of his hands came to grip your own, “You should have called me sooner. I’m sorry you had to deal with that asshole.” 

You felt your heart flutter at his words, “Don’t worry I handled it. But thank you, next time I will.” 

Soon you were pulling up to your apartment and hauling Gia up your steps. 

“I really wish we had an elevator right now.” Gia groaned as she was being half pulled, half carried up the steps. 

You made eye contact with Gavi after hearing her statement, and you had to bite your cheek not to laugh out loud, 

“You and me both G.”

Finally, you reached your apartment, and all let out a sigh of relief as she fell onto your bed, passing out almost immediately. 

You cringed as you saw her head land centimeters away from the sharp edge of one of your textbooks. 

You reached over, clearing the space so she was able to sleep without the risk of a concussion. 

You looked up once the area was cleaned to see Gavi looking at you intently, a weird expression on his face almost like he was stuck in his thoughts. 

“What? Is everything okay?” You asked unsure, looking down at yourself. 

That’s when you realized. 

You were still wearing his hoodie, the one that had a massive red stain on it now thanks to the jackass at the club. 

You had completely forgotten about it. 

You quickly apologized, “Gavi I’m so sorry. Gia called and I was so worried so I grabbed the first thing I could find – and then the guy kept grabbing me and had this drink – anyways,” you let out a huff, “I’m really really sorry, I can buy you a new one.” 

Gavi stared at you in surprise, shocked by your outburst, “Y/n relax. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I know how much you love this sweatshirt.” 

Gavi shook his head slightly smiling, you were just so adorable, and he physically couldn’t hold back the words he’d been dying to say any longer, “I love you more though, so it’s fine.” 

“Wha-what?” You stumbled over your words, clearly not expecting such a big revelation.

“I said I love you.” He said it with so much confidence, almost like he was reciting a fact, something that couldn’t be changed, and you melted a little at how sure he sounded. 

You didn’t know what to say, your brain still playing those three words on a loop. He loved you. He had said it first. 

The silence stretched on and now it was his turn to get nervous, “Is that okay?”

Your mouth was still open in shock, but you quickly recovered, 

“Yo-you love me?” Your voice cracked. 

“Well, yeah… why would I not?” He asked, eyes locked on yours.

You shook your head, a smile gracing your features as you took a step closer to him, “I love you too, and I’m sorry-”

He cut you off with a sweet kiss, pulling you closer into him, as he slid his hands under the sweatshirt, fingers gently squeezing the soft flesh of your hips. 

Your lips moved in sync and your hands went to play with his hair, gently tugging. 

You heard him let out a groan and you bit his bottom lip instinctively. 

He pulled away out of breath, a dazed look in his eyes, “Joder, you can ruin all my hoodies if this is how you apologize.” He muttered breathlessly. 

You rolled your eyes, smiling as he brought you back into him for another kiss. 

[dinogoofymutated]

So I'm warming up to the idea of Cable now with this new animation style. And now I can't help but imagine a mutant reader seeing him shirtless for the first time 👉🏽👈🏽. Maybe she's helping him treat a wound he cant reach on his back and he's too worn out to rely on his telekinesis for it. Sure she knows that he has a metal arm. Techno-organic viruses were nasty business. But she never imagined she'd get to see the stark contrast of metal and flesh up close. Just a tender moment where she gets to see him at his most vulnerable. Preferably sfw. Sorry if this is too long winded or specific. Really love your writing and enjoy what you share with us regardless if u choose this one or not 🫶🏽

SFW!Cable/GN!Reader OOOOGHHHH when I tell you I have been thinking about this since you sent me the ask!! I've been dying to write this but forced myself to follow a schedule :( I've never really been a Cable girly but this scenario has been in my head non-stop! I just hope this fic does the same to others!!! Speaking of which, I hope this isn't too OOC for him! This also might get a pt 2 with some smooching 😘

Read pt. 2 Here :)

-Ps- Heads up, finals week is coming up for me and I have a lot of essays and work to do. my writing is sadly going to slow down a bit. I don't think I'm going to close requests for now but it's not out of the realm of possibility! TWs: Can't really think of any. Gross depictions of techno-organic shit. As always, Reader written while picturing fem! but no pronouns mentioned. The reader is short in this one, sorry to all my Amazonian friends.

    Prime sentinels were like wasps. Squashing one could be relatively easy with the right tools, but it was difficult to handle multiples at once. It had been a rough day, and your ears were still ringing from the sounds of blaster fire when you got to the safe house. Your hands are shaking from the adrenaline, body exhausted from overusing your mutant powers. Bruises are forming all over you, and despite the pain and soreness, you know you got off easy compared to Cable. 

    He’s got an arm slung around your shoulder, using you as a crutch as you help him limp over to the table- although you’re sure you’re not a very good one, too short for him to properly lean on. His gun clanks on the floor as he sits, grunting as the movement sends shooting pains through his body. You can tell his left arm is aching, the techno-organic virus fighting to beat the telekinetic powers keeping them still. You weren’t the only one who overdid it today, but you also weren’t the one who had to keep a virus from eating you alive.

    Once Cable is settled, the routine starts. You cautiously make a round through the safe house, making sure blinds are drawn and entryways secured. Usually, the task was split between the two of you, being faster and safer than it would be alone- but he would take it over when you were badly hurt. It was only natural that you would do the same. You feel the sting of anxiety and worry in your heart. Cable had saved your ass today. He had done so many times, but normally the fighting wasn’t this extreme. You had been stupid, and he was suffering the consequences. 

    A series of pained grunts lead you back into the kitchen once you’ve finished, and you can tell Cable is pissed just by the tone of them. You’re facing his back when you walk in, noticing the large red stain that spans across the width of his shoulders. You try to hide the worry on your face as you approach him. He has the medkit sprawled out on the counter, sorting through the various items in it.

    “Can’t believe this thing doesn’t have a damn mirror.” He grunts. You hum in response, looking him over before examining the items on the table.

    “What do you need a mirror for?” You ask, voice coming out a little hoarse. You clear your throat, must be from the smoke earlier. Cable sends you a look, tossing his head towards his back. You mouth an “oh” before looking at him, unable to hide your worried expression. You’d seen him stitch his wounds up with his telekinesis before, when the fight was all guns and no powers. An action like that was child’s play for someone of his capabilities. For him to actively avoid it, and the way his arm seemed to be bothering him more than normal… It made you worried. It made you feel guilty. 

    You look down at the suture kit, open on the table from where Cable had unzipped it, and then look back at him, wordlessly asking. He gives you a cautious look for a moment, before it shifts into something much softer. He doesn’t bother nodding, choosing to simply take his shirt off instead.

    You blush a little but quickly get to work, grabbing a pair of gloves and pulling them on. They’re too big for you, meant to fit Cable’s sturdy hands instead of your own smaller ones. You try not to get distracted by the sight of him shirtless as you pick up what you need and get behind him. The air has shifted between the two of you, forming into something a little more intimate. Something that builds itself on words unspoken, truths that neither of you is quite ready to communicate yet.

    His back is broad and beautiful, dotted with scars and bruises. The gash on his shoulders is from a stray blast, starting at the top of his left shoulder and ending at the lower shoulder blade of his right. 

    You’re not sure if you had been ready to see the cut-off between flesh and metal.

    The cords of metal attach to the skin of his shoulder in a way that makes your skin crawl. They sprout from underneath the skin, winding against each other in a way that makes no clear sense to you. The top layers of skin are rough, keloid scarring having formed at the impasse of skin and metal. It's horrific, the way the virus has both eaten and forced its way under the skin. The top of the gash is somewhat deep, the deep inner cording revealed by the wound cutting through the top of his skin has you unable to look away despite the horror that has taken you.

   “I can feel you staring, you know.” Cable’s rumbling voice causes you to snap back to reality.

    “Right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to…” You trail off, not fully able to place the words. He sighs, and you mistake it for annoyance. You quickly get back on track and begin to disinfect the wound. Cable hardly flinches as you do so. You’re overly cautious as you stitch him up, focusing on each stitch being perfectly placed. You know they wouldn’t stay for long. Cable had a habit of tearing his stitches. You hope that maybe you’d be able to keep that from happening this time.

   You place both hands on his shoulder blades when you are done. The nerves have worn off as the pseudo-doctor in you took over. You’re trying to examine the stitches, but find that your attention keeps being drawn back to that stark contrast of his shoulder. If Cable notices, he doesn’t say anything. You glance at the back of his head, trying to gauge what he’s feeling. 

    Your left hand drifts a little. Cable shudders as your thumb gently traces that line of scarring, the metal of his arm feeling extra cold compared to the heat of his skin. You’re waiting for him to say something. To tell you to back off. To grumble and shake you off and avoid speaking to you like he used to when you first started to work together- when he was so determined not to get attached. 

   But he doesn’t say anything. Not at first, anyway. The tenseness of his shoulders slowly gives as the gentle touching morphed into more purposeful touches, working the stiff muscles- what was left of the organic ones, anyway. 

    It’s intimate. It’s quiet. It’s… nice. Part of you wishes it would last a little longer. Part of you wishes he would let you touch him like this more often. 

    Cable stiffens again as the thought crosses your mind, recoiling away from you. He stands suddenly, turning around to face you. His towering stature used to make you nervous out of fear. Now you’re nervous for a completely different reason. Part of you had forgotten about the glimpses he takes into your mind. A flicker of anxiety ignites when you realize how much he might have seen. The two of you just look at each other for a moment, his brown eyes hard compared to the softness from earlier. You hadn’t meant to think so much. You didn’t think he was horrific. It was the virus. What it was doing to him. The energy and effort it takes out of him. That was what scared you.

    Cable was used to the stares. The horror. Most recoiled at the sight of his flesh. It only made sense to him when you did too.

    But Nathan… Nathan wasn’t ready for the depth of your thoughts. The care in your eyes. He wasn’t ready for the depth of his own feelings. The ones that cause such a storm within him. The ones that cause him to be stupid. The ones that make him focus more on saving you than the goal of every mission.

    “Is this… Are we okay?” You ask. He didn’t need to be a telepath to sense the fear that has swelled within you. Most of your emotions were always written on your face. It made things easier for him when he didn’t have to search for your thoughts. That hardness in his eyes softens yet again, and he glances away for a moment. 

    “... Yeah.” Is all he says. His heart feels light when you finally smile at him, even though an underlying nervousness still resides behind that smile. You let out a relieved sigh, and he can’t bear to look at you any longer. Instead, he sits back down. He faces away from you, giving you the space to finish taking care of the wound on his back. 

    You don’t realize how late it is until you’re finished, and the mess on the counter has been cleaned and contained back in the medkit. The two of you sit together as you eat. The food isn’t great- consisting of an MRE that’s not exactly as advanced as the futuristic weapons and technology would lead you to believe. He doesn’t say anything when you lean on his shoulder, or when your breathing evens out, having fallen asleep on his side.

  The aches and pains don’t really bother Nathan as he carries you to bed, but the thoughts of you, your feelings, your thoughts… Those keep him awake longer than any wound would.

[beatingdrumspouringwine]

Dionysos Loves His Mom(s), a very long essay

Going to just preface this by saying that I may/may not have gone a bit overboard, but I hope everyone enjoys reading my rambles on how amazing it is that we still have this message even through to day, how important this is for our understanding of Dionysos, and also just a little bit of (what I hope will come across as) Semele appreciation :) Also, I did write this during finals week, so if it seems rambly, please bear with me ;-;

And for clarification, I'll be referring to Semele with capitalized pronouns because even though She was human, mythologically, while carrying Dionysos, She was also deified by Him after He brought Her up from the Underworld.

The first interesting thing is that we get our description of Dionysos, as well as the love he shows for His Mother, in Greek mythology. While myths are usually pretty good resources for understanding the Gods, they are also usually written by the people who are in power at the time - which would be specifically older men who were not slaves. Because of this, a lot of myths tend to trend towards the "male" perspective of the Athenians. Also because of this, women are frequently represented in a very negative light, or at least as being relatively unimportant.

There are no Gods who have quite a relationship with Their Mothers like Dionysos has of His. Some of the Gods technically have no mother, like Aphrodite and Athena, and others just... don't seem to have much of a relationship at all. And this isn't necessarily to say that the Gods that we worship don't love Their Mothers, but more that the popular attitude of Greek society was simply to push women off to the side, and let the men take the glory.

And then, strangely, we have Dionysos, He Who Takes No Shit When It Comes to Women, as well as Him Who Has Two Moms. He's already something of an anti-Athena in Greek mythology, for while She was born of Zeus's head, and Metis was a sort of mother-base, Dionysos was born of two mothers, and from Zeus, in a way that echoes an intimate, "maternal" sort of birth, instead of the detached birth of Athena. And we know full well that Dionysos did not forget about either of His first two mothers. Persephone and Him famously get along well enough that they shared a rite in the form of the Eleusinian Mysteries, and it is to Persephone that initiates go, telling Her that the Bakkhic One Himself has freed us!

And we haven't even touched on Semele! It's one thing to have a divine Mother to welcome us to the afterlife. It's another thing to have a once-human-become-Goddess Mother in the form of Semele-Thyone. And Dionysos loves Her as well, very much so as well! Even though He never met Her as a child, He still very clearly has a lot of love for Her. At the start of the Bacchae, when Dionysos first arrives in Thebes, you will notice that one of the very first things He mentions in His monologue is that His mother is being disrespected by King Pentheus, and that this disrespect is part of the reason why He has driven the women of the city mad, as well as the sisters of Semele, who also were disrespecting Her.

This loyalty is only further emphasized by the fact that even though Semele is dead at the time of the Bacchae (and obviously after it as well, as the myth of Dionysos traveling to the underworld is an entirely separate story). And yet we must once again emphasize that this was written in a time where mothers were so often thrown under the bus (or horse-drawn chariot), and all of these myths were notably written by men, as far as we know. It seems that there is an inherent thread which ties Dionysos to the world of women, or at least has Him incredibly sympathetic to it, and one which could not be broken with all of the hyper-patriarchal nonsense that was woven deep into the cultural fabric of ancient Greece, especially Athens.

And to finish this fun little rant off, I want to offer two significantly longer ideas than the initial thing that I wrote! One for reflection on how we relate to Dionysos (and how He relates to us), and another as a reflection on Semele-Thyone and how She relates to us, and how we should relate to Her.

To start, this sympathy that Dionysos shows with women does, in some ways, hits culturally closer to a sisterhood than to the way that a man would have been encouraged to act towards women in ancient Greece. Dionysos as God understands His band of madwomen's own self-worth, and does not question their autonomy. Instead, he seems to encourage it, especially with all of the sassing he gives Pentheus while being grilled by him. This is such a good thing for all of us. Not only is Dionysos a friend of humanity, but He is specifically a friend for the marginalized. Whoever finds themselves marginalized in society will be His "favorites", so to speak, because that is where He truly finds His followers. It's almost as if He naturally finds where there is a power imbalance, and jumps on the other side to even things out, even if it is a little bit. I also think that this same "purposeful marginalization" is something which adds further theological credence to Dionysos being also validly a trans woman and nonbinary, as He does not sit within a patriarchal "Him"-ness, but rather within a "Him"-ness that refers to a more equal world.

Moving on to Semele-Thyone, we have a wonderful ally in a divine woman, sympathetic to humans, who knows full well not only the sufferings of humanity, and the pain in disrespect, but also the importance of kindness and respect towards others. In Greek mythological and religious canon, Semele-Thyone became the Goddess of the Bacchic revel, which, if you really think about it, isn't just about the Bacchic revel (it's never "just about the Bacchic revels"). This also tells us that Thyone, like Her Son, is also a God of the marginalized. Like Dionysos, She oversees the safety and wellbeing of the community which Her Son has founded. In some way, Thyone has become a Mom to all of us, through Her assistance with the divine inspiration that strikes frenzied devotees. It's a caring thing, too!

Anyways, the long and short of this is - Dionysos loves His Mom, Semele-Thyone is an incredibly underrated Goddess, and Mother's Day was yesterday. So hug your mom if you've got a good relationship with her, and if not, we can all borrow Dionysos' Mom :)

[hpowellsmith]

Your writing for this game is flowing so fast and it makes me so happy, cause my anxiety didn't let me wait for RA without checking this form everyday lmao!! It has the potential to be as good as Creme!!

Is chapter 7 the last chapter you'll update before you submit HB to COG?

Thank you, that's incredibly kind 🥹

I'm really pleased that Honor Bound is going so fast and (generally) smoothly, it's been really nice working on it almost full-time. I think Chapter 7 will probably be the last update I put up publicly (it's currently up on Patreon and will go up for everyone on 2nd July).

I'm hoping to write as much of Chapter 11 as I can during June, and hopefully complete the draft in July. Whenever it is completed, what will then happen is:

I will send everything to my editor who will give me notes for Chapters 11-12

I will revise Chapters 11-12

Then at various times, with some overlap the following will happen:

The whole game will be closely reviewed by one of the CoG editors who will send me notes (in the past it's usually been an editor who isn't my main one, so it's fresh for them)

Automatically-generated playthrough seeds will be read by a number of continuity readers who will give me notes about errors, unclear stuff, or sensitivity issues

The beta test for the whole game will happen (usually this is announced publicly and can be signed up for by email - I say usually because a couple of games haven't been organised like that lately and I'm covering all my bases)

Through all that, I'll be editing the game in response to the feedback and putting up updates for the readers and testers.

Once all the edits are done, the game is polished to my satisfaction, and playtesters have slowed down and aren't finding errors anymore, the game will go up be copyedited. That's the stage at which I twiddle my thumbs and feel at a loose end, and also start thinking in more detail about what I want to make next. It's also the stage at which I'll have a clearer idea of the release date.

Then once the copyediting is finished and I've answered any queries about it, once the release date comes around we're ready to go! (I can't remember the timing for my other games, but for Royal Affairs, it was 4 months from the full draft completion to the release date.) And that's the point where I get jittery and nervous, and panic about self-promotion. But I also try to do something nice to celebrate.

After a couple of weeks I have a reasonable idea of sales and reviews (though I really try not to obsess over either) and can use that to make further decisions about what I do next.

So that's an essay you didn't ask for about what my next few months are going to be like!

[luvsae]

hey! could you write how hyunsu would react to the reader having a panic attack?

I‘m kinda struggling with this lately.. thank you in advance❤️

first off - i hope you're okay anon. if you ever need someone to talk to im always here ♡ i hope this request can bring a bit of comfort to you :)

5 things | cha hyunsu

- hyunsu helps you during a panic attack and comforts you.

- cha hyunsu x gn!reader

- angst with eventual fluff

"What are 5 things you can see?" Hyunsu asked.

"Huh?" You looked at him through your blurry vision. The tears in your eyes were blocking your vision, but you could still see Hyunsu a bit.

"It's a technique that someone taught me. It helps distract your mind and ground you," he explained, rubbing your back gently. "So, what are five things you can see?"

How did you get into this situation? Well, it started when you were stressing over University work.

Hyunsu knew you were stressed and suggested you take a break. You were grateful that he was caring about your health, but you explained that the work was too important and you needed to finish the first essay but tonight.

The due date wasn't until next week, but you enjoyed handing in your work earlier so you wouldn't have to stress about it once it was closer to the due date.

That tiny bit of stress expanded once you realized you entered the wrong prompt for your essay. You were halfway done too.

This resulted in you bursting into tears. Of course you still had until next week to finish it, but you had other essays to do as well.

Hyunsu heard your sobs and instantly rushed in.

"What's wrong?" He asked, now standing in front of you.

"I-" A sob was caught in your throat. "I did the wrong prompt for this stupid essay. I was almost done too and now I have to waste more time writing another one. I still have so many more to do."

"Hey, hey," Hyunsu knelt down, turning your chair to face him. "It's okay. I know it's hard, but it'll be okay."

"If I don't get this done, then I'm screwed." Your voice was wobbly, and you felt your breathing start to get shorter.

The panic attack was setting in.

And now led you back to where you were in the moment. Hyunsu was asking you five things you can see.

You rubbed the tears from your eyes and looked around. "Uh, I can see the table, my computer, you, the picture of us on the wall, and your slippers."

"Good," he smiled. "Now 4 things you can touch."

You looked at Hyunsu and nodded. "Uh, I can touch your shoulder, the desk again, my pen, and my knee."

"Okay, good," Hyunsu smiled at you. "Now 3 things you can hear."

"I can hear your voice, my voice, and my computer fan," you replied back. "I really need to get a new laptop."

"It is a bit loud, huh?" Hyunsu joked, you laughed a bit at his joking. "See? You're already doing better. Now I want you to tell me 2 things you can smell."

"I can smell the air freshener and your cologne. It's really nice, by the way. You should get it again." You complimented.

Hyunsu gave you a cheesy grin, making you laugh again. "Thank you. I will get it just for you. One last thing to do - what's one thing you can taste?"

"Taste?" You quickly took a piece of your mint gum - it was sitting on your desk in front of you, then unraveled it and put the piece of gum in your mouth. "My gum."

"Cute," Hyunsu nodded. "How do you feel on a scale from one to ten. One being the worst and ten being the best."

"I feel like a five." You told him truthfully. "But that did help. Thank you."

"That's okay," he responded. "Here. Come with me for a moment."

Hyunsu stood up and offered his hand to you, which you took. He guided you to your shared bedroom.

For a moment, you looked around the room at the decorations everywhere. The memory made you smile - it was when you two first moved in together.

The both of you were nervous but really excited to live with one another. To get rid of the nervousness, you decorated the room together.

There were fairylights and posters almost everywhere. There were two desks beside each other on the left side of the room which your computer sat beside Hyunsu's.

It was Hyunsu's idea to sit beside each other whole gaming. You thought it was adorable, so of course, you agreed.

The two of you would pick a game each night and play until the sun woke up. Although you would be tired, it didn't matter because Hyunsu was there.

Hyunsu was always there for you, and you always returned the same back to him.

Your boyfriend led you to your bed and sat down with you. "How are you feeling now?" His voice was gentle as his hand rubbed up and down your back.

"I feel better than before," you answered back honestly. "The anxiety is still lingering a bit, but I can get past it."

"Good," Hyunsu pressed a kiss to your cheek before quickly pulling away. "Wait- can I kiss you?"

You let out a quiet laugh, then connected your lips with his. He was surprised for a moment but eased into it. You eventually broke it. "Of course you can. We're together, honey. Kiss me anytime you like."

"Okay," he flashed you a genuine smile once more. "If you ever need to be comforted, I'm here for you."

"Thank you, Hyunsu. I promise to pay you back, okay? How about we... watch something tonight?" You suggested.

"That sounds amazing," he said. "Whatever we do, I'm just happy to be with you."

"I love you." You blurted out.

"I love you too."

[literary-motif]

I love you writing really really muchh!! 💗

Can u write something with kayson?

Thank you <3 I'm glad you like it :)

Under The Surface

Kayson x Reader

Warnings: implied issues of self-worth, overworking

You overwork yourself, but Kayson is there to take care of you.

You were dead on your feet. The past few weeks of lectures and exams had taken everything out of you, and whatever dregs of strength you had left after handing in your final essay were rapidly draining by sitting at your desk and preparing yet another presentation. 

The professors should be tired of them by now, but evidently, they got some twisted enjoyment out of forcing you to work past your breaking point. 

You sighed, checking your notes again and trying to fit the picture you had found into the little box next to the text. Powerpoint was not cooperating and you were increasingly getting annoyed. You were not even halfway done, and the urge to curl up on your bed and sleep for a week was growing harder to ignore by the second. 

Still. You knew you couldn’t. If you did not finish this presentation now, you were sure you never would. It took all of your self-composure and an iron-tight hold on your sense of duty to sit down at your desk and leaf through the textbook to take notes on your assigned topic. 

It took all you had left to start the presentation, and you knew you would break down sobbing the next time you would have to sit down to finish it. No, it was easier to do it now, and after you would get to relax. After you were allowed to lay down and finally, finally rest. 

After the work was done.

“Hello my spooky Ghost,” Kayson’s voice startled you out of your revision, making you lose the train of thought on how best to connect the subjects on the slides. 

You turned your head and smiled tiredly in his direction, too worn out to even mutter a simple greeting as you faced your keyboard again. You had to finish this.

“Hard day?” he asked softly, walking towards you and looking over your shoulder at the presentation. “Wow, this looks amazing,” he muttered, skimming over the slide you were working on and glancing at the pages of notes spread out next to your laptop. 

Kayson tilted his head to place a soft kiss against your cheek. You could feel the smile on his lips. The sheer joy radiating off of him when you two were in each other's company still had you perplexed sometimes. He was overflowing with love for you, that a simple thing such as seeing you walk across campus, hurrying to your next class while he had a free period, and shooting a small smile his way, had him beaming back at you, his eyes shining with adoration. 

His open affection was something you had not entirely grown used to, and the heartwarming feeling of being loved unconditionally — no matter what you did, no matter the worth of your work, no matter your intelligence or academic career — still had you tearing up when you thought about it too much. 

It was foreign, seeing the worth in yourself outside the things you accomplished. Kayson made you feel comfortable with yourself and helped you to accept the mistakes you would make in everyday life. “Not everything you do has grave consequences,” he had told you once, smiling sheepishly as you noticed a glaring spelling mistake in the email you had sent, “It doesn’t matter, relax. You don’t have to be perfect all the time.”

You knew that, of course. Perfection was an unattainable goal, but your brain somehow had not quite internalized that memo. That was why you had studied relentlessly for weeks.  That was why you wrote half a dozen essays for extra credit. That was why you agreed to do another presentation despite barely being able to string together a coherent sentence, worn out and exhausted out of your mind.

“I got dinner,” Kayson whispered kindly, wrapping his arms around you from behind and resting his head on your shoulder, nuzzling against your neck. “And I hope you’re willing to eat takeout with me while we cuddle on the couch and watch one of these old horror movies you wanted to show me. That sounds nice, doesn't it?”

Humming in agreement, you kept typing. Kayson frowned, loosening his embrace to stand beside you and look at your face properly. Your eyes were dull, your fingers hitting the keys with only a fraction of the accuracy you usually had. The exhaustion he could see in your hunched posture, the tension he felt in your jaw as he kissed you made his frown deepen. He was worried about you. 

“Hey Spooky,” he said, nudging your chair to turn to face him. You did not comply, keeping your eyes fixed on the screen. “Can you look at me for a moment, please?”

“‘M busy, Kayson,” you mumbled, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment to fight off the burning, turning your vision blurry. How long had you been working? It didn’t matter, you were still far from done.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, the slight teasing in his tone was replaced with a quiet sadness that made your heart ache and you sighed softly, giving in to his wishes. Seeing him sad was a pain you always tried to avoid. When your eyes met, he gave you a tender smile, lighting up with his usual fondness for you. “Thank you,” he whispered, reaching out his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

The window behind him showed the darkness of the night sky, making you wince at the hours that must have passed ever since you sat down to continue your work. “Takeout is great,” you said, noting the distant hunger making itself known now that your nearly unbreakable concentration had lessened. “But later, I need to finish—”

“No,” he interrupted you, taking your hand to tug you out of the office chair, “Enough for today. I can tell you’ve been at it for hours, and you’re tired. You look exhausted. I know I call you my Ghost, but that doesn’t mean I want you to look like the dead!”

You tried to protest, but Kayson wanted none of that, sneaking an arm around your waist and leading you towards the couch. “Kayson, I really need—” you tried again as he drew you  to sit down on the soft cushions, making sure the pillows were arranged the way you liked them and the blanket was within your reach.

“Yes, you really need to unwind right now, I agree,” he said, looking at you intently with a stare that told you he would be immensely hurt if you dared to get up and walk back to your desk. 

You sighed, resolve breaking as you sunk deeper against the pillows. It was no use to fight Kayson when he tried to take care of you, so you just let it happen, allowing yourself to relax and trying to push away the nagging thoughts about your unfinished work.

Kayson smiled again, leaning over to place a chaste kiss against your lips before he got up, shooting you another warning glance to stay put. He returned a moment later with the food he had picked up, placing it on the coffee table in front of you before sitting down beside you again. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked, the care for you bleeding into his every word as he gathered you into his arms. You hummed in contentment as you felt him trace slow circles against your back, working out the tension that rested there. “Or are you too tired? We could watch a show instead and you can fall asleep on me. What would you like?”

You buried your head against his chest, mumbling something incomprehensible. Kayson chuckled, running his fingers through your hair before tilting your chin upward slightly to understand you better. “You decide,” you repeated tiredly, reaching over his lap to grab the takeout.

Kayson chuckled, taking the bag from you gently and placing a kiss against the back of your hand before handing you your food. “I’ll take care of everything,” he said, looking at you with a love so deep reflected in his eyes, that it stole your breath for a moment. “Don’t worry about anything. Just relax, Spooky. I love you. So much.”

[sitron-sunni]

I watched the new episode of 9-1-1

a personal essay on queerbaiting (sorta)

I watched the new episode of 9-1-1, and immediately burst into tears as the credits started rolling.

Then I rewound the last six minutes, and watched the scene again, pausing to rewind the kiss. Again. And again. And again.

We got a kiss. I didn’t know we were getting a kiss. I sorta knew we were getting bi Buck, but I didn’t know we were getting a kiss. After last week’s episode, a lot of people were 100% convinced we were getting bi Buck. I saw their reactions before I watched that episode, too, and I was so confused once I finished it. Had we seen the same episode? That guy, Tommy, Buck’s so-called bisexual awakening-guy, was barely in there. He had about two memorable lines, and then he was in the background of a different shot, where he received a job-well-done slap on the shoulder from Buckley. That last one’s the one people were focusing on online. Look at the way this is framed, look at how he’s positioned, between Buck and Eddie. This is foreshadowing how he’s gonna get between them. Buck and Tommy is gonna be the gateway into buddie. They’re actually gonna do buddie, why else would they introduce a relationship between Buck and Tommy?

Reader, I’ll keep it straight with you. I did not believe them. After a while I gathered a lot of people already knew the name of the next episode; Buck, Bothered and Bewildered. They’d seen some stills, they knew there would be conflict and jealousy within that trio. They were putting it all together with comments and hints dropped by the actors. All those things added up, and it did paint a far more convincing picture. And I thought it was fun! I reblogged a few posts about it, I think, or at least I liked some. But the fact remains: I did not believe them. I thought, oh, imagine how cool it would be if they actually went there. I thought, yeah, realistically it would make sense to bring in a third person if they were actually gonna do it. That way they could test the waters, gauge audience response, and it could work as a catalyst for the relationship after so long. But mostly I thought Okay, so they’re gonna bring in Buck’s fear of not being enough for the people he loves again, this time through his friendship with Eddie, and we’re gonna get some sort of final resolution for that. Like, a big moment of catharsis. Or something along those lines, anyway. It just seemed to me like the most realistic thing that could happen. I mean, the idea of canon buddie was nice, of course it was! The queerbait is why I started watching the show in the first place: I wanted a good queerbait! But ultimately, a ship like that going canon was completely unrealistic. I speak from experience, after all.

Maybe it would’ve been different if I was younger. I remember being in fandoms when I was a teen. I remember reading theories, watching youtube-videos with “proof” that this or that was real, that it was gonna go canon. I remember getting my hopes up, thinking Oh my god what if they’re actually gonna do it!? for shows and pairings that, in hindsight, were completely unrealistic. Maybe that’s why I, even with fairly good evidence in front of me, didn’t actually get my hopes up this time. Because why be that stupid? Why invest emotionally like that? Why not just enjoy what we actually had instead, and then get anything extra from fanworks? Haven’t we learned by now?

I woke up this morning and opened tumblr, and I read half a sentence about how we actually have bisexual Buck confirmed canon now, before I quickly closed the app to avoid too detailed spoilers. Oh my god they were right! I can’t wait to watch the episode, I thought happily, and went on with my day. I opened the app again a few hours later, and scrolled for a few minutes, until I saw a brief glimpse of one, maybe one and a half gifs. Bucks face, Tommy’s face. Warm orange-y yellow lighting, Buck’s loft, you still owe me a beer. Close the app, move on. There were other posts throughout the day, more glimpses, all along the same lines as the first one. The last one came late in the evening, this time on twitter. Just the word in all caps; ANNOUNCEMENT, and then Bucks face and a bisexual pride flag.

And then finally, finally, after I’d brushed my teeth and gotten into bed, I was alone with my laptop, and I could watch the episode. The hype had built up, I was so excited to finally watch it. I was internally vibrating just a little bit. I was giggly, I was grinning widely, I was making comments to myself out loud, and laughing. I said oh my god, they’re really laying it on thick. I remember watching that scene for the first time and thinking how Tommy really looked so nervous at some points. That last one I found interesting. I really liked the actor’s portrayal; His facial expressions were quite subtle, and I thought he captured that nervous feeling so well. Maybe I took such notice of it because, well, I wasn’t quite expecting it.

I wasn’t expecting nervousness in an interaction between Buck and Tommy, because I still wasn’t actually expecting anything. At least I don’t think I was. Even with everything I’d seen online. Even as I was watching the show, I convinced myself. Those words, you still owe me a beer, they’ve misinterpreted them. They think it’s an invitation to a date because Buck’s jealousy in this episode is making it more plausible than ever before. Sure, the show’s leaning into it this time, but they’re gonna pull the rug out next episode. No, of course it wasn’t an invite to a date, what show were you watching, are you delusional? It’s just gonna be one week of people speculating and theorizing and building it up, and then the show’s gonna resolve it with some no-homo followed by a nice new buddie moment. The buzz will die down, and things will go back to normal.

And then the kiss happened. And then I burst into tears.

And now I think, oh my god isn’t it wild that they’re introducing a new romantic relationship for one of the main characters, and for the entire lead-up to the relationship, both Buck and Tommy are entirely focused on Eddie? Like, they’re just making everything about a third person! Imagine if they did this for anybody else! and, oh my god Tommy’s gonna break up with Buck because Buck’s basically already dating Eddie or something, isn’t he? and, oh my god it’s gonna be glorious! and, oh my god I can’t wait!

And I’m also thinking, I was wrong, and you were right. And I’m so happy I could cry.

TL;DR: If you and I share sterek, or destiel, or god knows what other similarly-shaped trauma, 9-1-1 might heal ya.

[ladyelissarose]

‘I See You’ 

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x high school teacher female reader

No use of ‘Y/n’ but is referred as Miss or as teacher

Summary; As a high school teacher, sometimes the grading of terribly written homework or trying to teach rowdy teenage students was more than hard. You’d always arrive looking very put together and tidy up, but after the bell rang, you look like a hurricane swept you away. So to drain out your especially long week, and to feel a little boost of self confidence, you take it upon yourself to drink all negativity away at the Hard Deck, hoping it’ll do the job for you. And in your attempt to feel good about yourself and to impress a certain aviator that caught your eye, you make an unnecessary choice, that leaves you almost in shambles. Until this aviator comes around to pick you up, and tell you you’re enough.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, lots of drinking and flirting, slight humiliation (not from Jake!) some angst, but mostly fluff and two idiots who fall in love!! Kind of a slow burn... LONG ASS ONE-SHOT

“Alright class- Benjamin sit down please- oh god! Jamie your pencil isn’t a cigarette stop trying to lit that up- where did you even- ugh... just give me the lighter please.”

 You walk towards the back of your classroom of high school 10th graders and take away a small lighter that Jamie happened to bring in. You then eyed for Benjamin to take his seat along with a quick snap to your fingers at Corrie and Hailey who kept whisper gossiping about who knows what. Finally when your class seemed to get it together and finally listen, you felt ready to explain the day’s plans as simply as possible, so they all wouldn’t have an excuse for missing anything. Once you stood at your desk, which was small and white, had a pile of turned in homework that Friday morning along with your laptop and a few nick-knacks, you leaned against it as you began,

  “Alright class... today we’ll be doing something different. You’ve all worked hard on your past assignments and essays, so I thought I’d give you all a treat-“

  Damion then raised his hand while bouncing his leg up and down rapidly,

You stopped your announcement and kindly glanced at the black haired, hazel eyed boy as you asked nicely,

  “Yes Damion?”

He put his hand down to now scratch his shaggy hair as he put forth a question,

 “Is food going to be involved-“

You immediately raised your hand to stop him,

 “Nope! Not when you guys are prone to start large food fights in my classroom. Last pizza party was disastrous and I will not allow another chance for it again.”

 You remember clearly that food-war-zone day, you had left your classroom for about 5 minutes just to pick up the ice cream you had bought them from the lunch room, when you came back let’s just say a grenade of pizza sauce had exploded in the room. You understood that kids were messy and crazy, but not to this level. It’s took hours to clean it all up yourself, you didn’t dare want to punish them and make them stay and clean it, because you didn’t want problems with their parents (who weren’t always the nicest.) You then promised yourself that you’d never again bring food back into your classroom, no matter how many times they begged for it.

 You then added to your speech,

  “Now for the rest of you, please wait till I finish then you ask questions.”

 In sync your little gremlins all replied while looking at little sad at the mention of not having a pizza party,

 “Yes Missss.”

Smiling proudly to yourself you then continued,

  “So to cut to the chase sense you all seem a little anxious today, I have invited special guests to join us. A couple of Naval Aviators from here in Fighter Town are coming over to share with us their experience as Aviators. It took a lot of time for me to convince them that it’ll help us understand their work and it’s purpose. The learning of responsibility and obedience. So, If any of you have questions, you may ask them, but PLEASE... please be polite. They have hard jobs and have more than enough to tolerate already with their superiors and co-workers... and they don’t need more of that especially from students like you. So again I ask, be polite, reflect who we are as a classroom of World History, and learn something.”

 You gave them all a reassuring smile before adding lastly,

  “Any questions- oh yes Thomas?”

Thomas flipped his black gel pen in hand as he commented,

  “Do we look like kindergarteners to you? I mean respectfully, cause I thought only elementary did like... that kind of stuff.”

 A frown found your face but you shook it off as quickly as possible, not wanting to appear hurt or offended by your class. You really felt that this would be a great experience for them. It was different and really cool all at once, your uncle was a Naval Aviator, and the dream to always be like him fascinated you, but because of your really short height, you obviously didn’t pass. And soon that passion grew into the dream of becoming a professor. But that never changed the way you felt and appreciated about the Navy all in one. With your hands fiddling behind your back nervously you replied,

  “I know you all are very intelligent and are in a higher level of education, but... I feel that today’s experience will let you all feel relaxed... believe me when I say you won’t regret it.. now they‘ll be here in a few-“

 Knock Knock Knock!!

A soft gasp left your lips as you signaled the class,

  “That must be them, stay seated please, and be nice. Let me talk to them for a minute.”

 You naturally fixed your hair and made sure your dress was respectfully fixed well before opening the door to the most handsome man you have ever seen in your entire life.

 ‘Oh my god he’s charming! - ok get it together... you’re a teacher for crying out loud.’

 With the best smile you could offer when feeling now super nervous and sorta shy, you beamed with your hand stretched out,

  “Good afternoon sir.”

The tall, blond aviator who wore a green flight suit that was decorated with different patches and wore his flight vest over, sported the grandest grin while flashing his perfect white teeth. He grasped your hand gently but firmly as he let his green jaded orbs rest on yours, his voice was sweet but steady, kind of had a southern accent to it as he introduced himself,

  “Good afternoon, Miss. I’m Lieutenant Jake Seresin... and these two behind me are my wing buddies.”

 Jake let your hand go and you held it against your chest, missing his warmth and feeling, and ignoring the way you felt a spark hit from the second you touched him. You watched him attentively as he pointed to two other aviators that had arrived, another tall aviator that had the cutest mustache that suited him perfectly, he had calm hazel eyes and a warm smile, he wore beige Khakis that had a few medals of different awards on his chest along with a shining, gold pin of wings on top of them. And next to him stood a female, who had the most beautiful smile and homey brown eyes, she stood tall but relaxed in her very well pressed, dress blues, and in her hand she held her Dixie cap, 

  ‘How elegant.’

You thought, as you approached the two other aviators with a welcoming hand shake to each,

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

The mustache aviator shook your hand next as he introduced,

  “You too Miss, I’m Lieutenant Bradley Bradshaw.”

 He made you feel at ease and comfortable, with his kind and soft tone. Then you turned to the beautiful brunette as you did the same,

  “Such a pleasure ma’am.”

“Likewise Miss, I’m Lieutenant Natasha Trace. I love your dress by the way.”

She ended her sentence with a wink that made you feel appreciated and flustered. You looked down at your simple Navy blue dress that rested at your knees. You tried not to stutter as you replied,

  “T-Thank you, Lieutenant.”

She sent you a firm but kind nod, then you turned back to the door of your classroom as you began,

  “Alright Lieutenants, so I was just hoping you can maybe explain your field of work, and hopefully answer some questions they might ask?”

 Bradley nodded approvingly before asking,

  “How long do we have?”

You glanced at your watched before replying,

  “As long as your willing to be here, class ends at 3:30, it’s barley 2. So from here till then all the time is yours if you want to stay till it ends or go early, either is fine.”

 Jake smiled proudly as he checked with Bradley,

  “We could do till 3:30 right?”

Natasha replied for Bradley,

“Oh yeah, Mav said we could have the day.”

 Bradley’s eyes lit while turning to look at you,

  “We’ll be staying till the bell rings.”

You almost jump with joy but stay planted on the ground with a bright smile instead,

“Great! Come on in please.”

 You then lead them inside of your classroom, confident to know that your classroom will be still sitting in their chairs, looking quiet and obedient, but instead you find a WWE match going on. Jensen and George are standing on their desk and trying to aim for a first punch while steadying their feet on their wobbly desks. Some of your student are cheering them on while a couple others are filming it, most of the girls seem to be huddled up in a corner chatting loudly and lastly, your computer sits open at your desk with a couple of your boys on it. You knew that your students were the craziest in the entire school, sense 9th grade all the teachers knew it, and warned you that for some reason they all were just rowdy and not always the best listeners. You’ve heard that they’ve been through many teachers and substitutes, all who could never stand them, and left because they couldn’t tolerate them, so it was a shock to them when you took the classroom under your wing, and faithfully been there for the past 4 months, while others only last a school week or less. You could feel the hurt and disappointment clutching your heart almost immediately at the sight, but before you could say anything, a sharp whistle came from behind you along with a set of simple words,

  “Can I have your attention please?”

You faced the source of the voice, Natasha was the one who spoke up after Bradley whistled. Your class filled with quick ramblings and all of them ushered themselves to their respectful seats, (Jensen fell off his desk and you were quick to run and help him up after you saw that everyone ignored him, but Jake grasped your upper arm and held you in place, without saying a word.) You didn’t dare move after his touch left you, and you all waited till the classroom was quiet and orderly. After a few seconds you spoke up to the Lieutenants, you eyes locked on Natasha’s because she was the female here, and Jake made you too shy as nervous, while with Bradley well, nothing was wrong with him, he’s perfect, but sense Natasha was the female there, she made you feel more open and forward as you apologized,

  “I’m sincerely sorry for this welcoming, we talked about this.”

 Jake shook his head no at you, looking reassuring as he directly told the classroom,

 “It’s not your Teachers fault, that you children don’t listen. She’s a fine woman, we can see it, so please, learn from her... can we do that?”

 The classroom nodded their heads attentively, all while gawking at them three like if they were celebrities. You saw their reaction and felt a little joy come over the upset feeling you had, and even more when Chad asked,

  “How many more different uniforms do you guys have? Their pretty cool.”

Jake beamed proudly as the question was asked to him, and he replied simply but with a joking tone,

 “The Navy has a whole wardrobe for its sailors, that’s why we’re known to be the fanciest and most stylish.”

 The few chuckles and giggles could be heard all around, and you felt yourself relax a bit as you continued to hear most of your class ask polite and very interesting questions, all that were answered as best as possible by all three aviators. It was like if there rebellious switch had turned off as they now became very attentive and sweet. It relived you’re and made you take a good breather for a moment. Your attention was mainly focused on Jake, who’s smile made your tummy turn with butterflies and his voice made you love it more and more. 

 Your thoughts flew around in your head like free eagles, 

 ‘I wonder if he smiles like that all the time? Or who he shares that smile with... he probably has someone home... taken he is perhaps-‘

 “What the hell is going on in here?”

You held in a gasp as you faced your boss, the principal of the school. He stood at the door with a look of disappointment,clearly not pleased with who you had brought in, but you were quick to stand tall and defend these aviators. You walked to stand in front of them, as if protecting them as you began to explain,

 “Mr. Cosmo, I invited a few Naval Aviators from the Aviation base to come and share a few things with our class today, they seem to like it, and these aviators have been the absolute best with us.”

 You stand there confidently with your response, believing it was the best yet. But Mr.Cosmo didn’t think so, as he sighed with irritation. He then eyed the aviators that stood behind you with utter disgust before ordering in a low, stern tone, that made your blood go to your feet.

“Get them out of my class room... now.”

 Your face dropped with confusion and you stuttered,

 “W-Wait sir, please- I think-“

Mr.Cosmo held up his hand to shush you up, as he warned,

 “Miss... I’m not going to ask again.”

You closed your mouth and didn’t say another word to him, you instead turned to face Jake and his buddies as your apologized,

 “I’m so sorry Lieutenants, you may go now. Thank you for your time and what you do for us.”

 Bradley and Natasha replied in sync, while waving bye to the classroom and taking turns shaking your hand.

 “Anytime, thank you.”

Jake then came last as he smiled down at you with sympathy and grace, before clutching your hand with a paper to put in it, he shook it firmly as he bid,

 “Thank you and your class for making my day better Miss, the pleasure was all ours.”

 If you could you would’ve ‘awed’ our loud with puppy eyes and heart floating around you, but in the reality of the moment you could only muster out,

 “I appreciate you Jake- I mean Lieutenant. Thank you.”

 Jake let a little chuckle slip before walking away from your presence, he then stopped in front of Mr.Cosmo, and took a deep breath while staring down at the short bald headed man, before saying,

  “She did nothing wrong. So don’t get mad at her... I’m sure you’ve allowed worse to happen here with other classrooms.”

 Jake then turned and winked at you, before disappearing. Your heart kinda sank when you couldn’t see or feel his presence around you anymore, but your thoughts on that feeling were long gone when you heard your boss declare,

“I have a substitute that will cover for the rest of the afternoon... you and I will talk in my office.”

 2 hours later...

You still hadn’t let go of the paper Jake had given you, and you hadn’t looked at it either. You sat in your car with tears as you’re replayed your bosses cruel words,

 ‘What are you trying to do to my students? Recruit them to be tiny soldiers? They’re kids, when they are grown ups then they could make that decision!! Bring them a clown or something that’s for their age!! Just because you grew up with a hard life doesn’t mean that you have to let them go through it too!! Let them be kids, let them make a mess and be loud, it’s what they do! And if I hear a complaint from there parents about todays stunt you pulled, I’ll fire you. I don’t have the time or energy to fight for a stubborn woman like you, I’ll just let you go. Now, it’ll be the last time you bring these kind of shenanigans of a people to my school... and you’re suspended for a week. Now get.’

 What felt like a napkin in your hands, you used to wipe your tears, and took a deep breath, then tossed the paper onto the back seat. You buckled your seat belt and started the car, turned around to look back while driving out, but that paper on the seat had something scribbled on it that caught your eye. You stepped on the brakes with quite a bit of force, and put the car in park,  reached to the back to grab the paper and read the most beautiful, cursive written message,

 ‘From Jake, to Miss.

Meet me at Hard Deck, beautiful. I’ll buy you a drink ;)’

Your face made a pout with awe, as you reread it like six times, heart pumping harder with joy as you eyed the word, ‘beautiful’. No guy in your life has ever called you beautiful. It was either ‘sexy’ or anything that wasn’t appropriate because of your body type. But it was nice to been seen differently, or more specifically, beautiful. You then backed out and began to drive home, wanting to get a good shower first before you went to the one and only Hard Deck. You knew Hard Deck well, it was actually your favorite bar, because the people were usually very nice, Penny Benjamin, the owner herself, was the best ever and just super sweet over all (She could be a cute sass sometimes but you adored it, it was a great energy to be around, especially when she talked about her boyfriend ‘Pete’ or ‘Maverick’) You were in and out of your house in 20 mins. You now wore a cute, green dress that had a belt on the waist and was flowy on the bottom, which rested barely above your knees. Your white sandals decorated with a flower on top kept your feet and the concrete floor separated. You free styled your hair and just let it rest freely, no pins or rubber bands. Your grandmother’s gold necklace that had a gold heart locket rested on your chest and gleamed in the sun, along with your matching gold earrings, and simple, thin bracelet. Now you’re happily on your way to Hard Deck, with ‘I Ain’t Worried’ blasting loudly and pleasing your ears as you let the wind come through your lowered windows and blow against you freshly. When you see the familiar bar come into view, and smile of relief and happiness raises to your face, and before you knew it, you were already running up the steps and bursted through the wooden tall doors. You breathed in the regular scent of fresh beer and roasted peanuts, and breathed out slowly as you took in the view while stepping inside. Everything was just as great as usual, the music played oldies softly on the jukebox, the jet-decorated pools tables were occupied by competitive players, and a few sailors occupied the seats at the main bar while the rest of the customers sat happily anywhere else. You approached the bar when you saw Penny in view, the only person you really knew and got along with, and she saw you too in that moment and cheered you closer,

  “Heyy girl! How have you been cutie?”

 You smiled shyly as you took the seat in front of her, and rested your arms on top comfortably as you did your best to respond happily, to not show that you were still upset about today’s episode at school.

  “I’ve been great! Just you know... happy that today’s Friday.”

 Penny eyed your curiously as she thought for a moment then replied,

 “You got into problems at the school?”

You gasped lowly before you scoffed,

 “How’d you know?”

Penny gave you a wink as she set down a cold root beer in front of you,

 “You have the exact same face Maverick does when he gets in trouble...”

She then waved off her assistant to take care of the orders for now as she then focused her complete attention on you as she added,

 “Tell me what happened, I’m listening.”

That was all it took for you to start spilling the tea for Penny, glad to see her understand your point of view and be on your side. She was comforting to you and supported your feelings towards the whole situation. Soon when you had finished, you realized you had been there for about 30 mins, and she saw you turn to look at the entrance twice, and couldn’t help but suspect something. Her eyebrows wiggles playfully as she asked,

 “So.. who are you expecting tonight?”

You look back at Penny at let out a little laugh, trying to not sound disappointed that you might of been stood up by Jake as your reply,

 “Oh no one... just looking around-“

Penny narrowed her gleaming eyes at you as she interrupted,

 “Cutie... don’t lie to me... I was in the same position you are in at some point in my life... who is it? Are you being stood up?”

 You hung your head low as you placed the little paper on the bar,

 “His name is Jake- well, Lieutenant Jake Seresin.. and well he left this in my hand after he left the classroom... is this asking for a date?”

 Penny’s looked behind you at the sound of the bell ringing on the opening door, and her mouth opened wide as she put forth,

 “Ooooh he just arrived! Look.”

You whipped your head so fast your surprised it didn’t snap or something of that sort, and there you saw the gorgeously handsome aviator walk in with his buddies you saw earlier that day, along with a few new faces, all who looked just as happy and friendly as him. It was like if you both were looking for each other, for instantly your eyes locked on one another. You watched Jake as he dismissed himself from his pals, then began to walk towards you with a confident walk. You turned to Penny quickly as you slightly panicked,

 “Penny help me I don’t know what to do-“

She then traded your root beer for a golden whiskey, and gave you a tip of advice,

 “Just be yourself, happy and charming, smart... drink this and sit back... you got this. Now drink it.”

 And in seconds she turned around and began to take orders from new customers that had arrived from base, spotting their uniforms or beige khakis. You chugged the shot of whiskey then tried to call her back for help and more advice, until you heard that endearing voice catch your attention and immediately melt your frantic heart,

 “Good afternoon darling.”

 Your eyes followed his voice and soon you were facing Jake, taking in his appearance. He wore a simple orange t-shirt that shaped his muscular chest and brought out how big and thick his biceps were. His long meaty thighs were covered with dark blue jeans, and he appeared taller in his cowboy boots. His hair looked a little disheveled but he still seemed to rock it very effortlessly. It took every nerve in your body to not drool at this heavenly sight or even kiss his feet, and you also did your very best to not let your eyes travel and capture every part of his body and take mental pictures to keep forever. Jake didn’t catch your staring for he was more worried about being late, then he went on to explain to you why he got there late, his smile looking apologetic,

  “I’m sorry I came late, my boss called us back to base for a quick check up, and I-I tried to tell him I had plans but-“

 Although he looked adorable stuttering and trying to make up for his late arrival, you couldn’t let him go on thinking that he was wrong for something he couldn’t control. With a steady but sweet tone you assured him,

 “No no, it’s ok. I promise... work is work. Just be glad that I’m still here and didn’t take you for a stood upper or something and just left.”

 Jake threw his head back lightly as he chuckled,

 “Oh no, I’m not one of those. Unless work calls me in. But thank you for staying, can I get your something? What do you like?”

 His smile and bright jaded eyes were giving their full attention to you, as he awaited your answer, to which you replied with a cheeky smile,

 “Surprise me.. cowboy.”

Jake raised his brows with a cute giggle,

“Ohh ok, I see where this is going. But don’t worry sugar, I got you covered.”

 He sent you a wink that made a chill go up your spine as your face burned because you were flustered. You listened to him as he called out to Penny with a loud enough voice to be heard, but it still sounded super sexy and adorable,

 “Penny! Penny my favorite barmaid!!”

 You could see the playful smirk Penny wore as she walked towards Jake with a sarcastic tone, 

 “Hangman... is it a whiskey for you and for your date?”

  Jake huffed a shy laugh, not realizing that Penny caught him once again with another girl, trying to find the ‘one’ as he usually said. But most of the girls he always brought only expected him to buy their drinks and take them to bed, which is something he wasn’t looking for anymore. Jake was already done with that kind of life, he was already hitting his 30s and was sick of one night stands that left him sad and alone in the mornings. Now he craved and desired someone to call ‘his own’, that wasn’t in his line of work, and could be with him for the long run... if not forever he hoped so, if they were the right person. He then turned to look at you carefully, to see if you approved of being called his date, and of course you were, as you beamed at him with your best smile. Penny soon placed two glasses of whiskey in front of you and Jake, sending you a wink as she mouthed to you,

 ‘It’s ok, relax.’

 You sent her a subtle nod and raised your glass towards Jake as he said,

 “Cheers.”

 “Cheers!”

You clinked your guys’ glasses and took a sip in sync. And began to chat about ones another lives, feeling free and comfortable with one another as you opened up more and more. Funny stories were told, a couple of cheesy jokes from Jake that he swore he got from his best friend ‘Rooster’. He told you the true reason behind his callsign ‘Hangman’, to which you laughed loudly at and had to take a break from that to gain composure and some air after laughing your lungs out. Jake was having a blast as he saw how bright red your cheeks turned and the thin layer of sweat that appeared on your face from the laughing episode he put you through. (He added fake parts to the story and acted the very exaggerated parts with his hands and hilarious facial expressions. He did it mainly to see you smile, but he got a bonus when he got your natural and contagious laugh too.)

 Soon when that moment died down, you told him your story and some facts about yourself, you too added a few ridiculously funny moments in your life that had him wheezing for a few seconds. (The light shade of pink on his cheeks from laughing hard looked definitely good on him) you too shared your passion and appreciation for Naval Aviation, sense your uncle was a part of it. He then connected the dots and asked if that was why you had invited them to the school, 

  “So that’s why you did that? No wonder! Because no one has ever pulled that before. But that’s so cool of you to do, looks liked they needed that and liked it overall.”

 You nodded approvingly,

 “Yup, they did...”

Then you looked down at your lap as you added, 

  “... but not their principal.”

Jake saw your change in expression, and placed his warm hand on your shoulder, and with a concerned tone he asked,

 “He wasn’t mean to you was he? Because you did nothing wrong.”

 His hand felt comforting on your shoulder, and gave you the boost you needed to answer honestly,

  “He was a little mean.. he suspended me actually... saying that I was forcing something onto the kids that wasn’t appropriate for their age.”

 Jake’s eyes scanned your sad face as he scoffed, not believing what he just heard,

 “Are you kidding me? That’s not inappropriate at all, it’s like.. gold. Someone appreciating the military of any branch is so amazing!”

 You looked up to Jake as you asked shyly,

  “You think so? I mean what if he’s right-“

“RIGHT? Darling... darling... no. He’s wrong for stopping you from teaching kids the importance of The Military- or Aviation and how we serve that way. My younger self would’ve killed to have you as a teacher. He would’ve loved you that’s for sure.”

 Your cheeks grew warm as you took in Jake’s words, they seemed so honest and sincere. You put your hand on his lower arm and patted it twice as you said,

 “Thanks, makes me feel better about what I did.”

 Jake followed your hand that left his arm and pouted for a second, wishing it stayed there longer, but he replied to you,

 “You should feel good about what you did, if not proud.”

 Just then a loud voice called to Jake from the back of the bar. You and Jake looked for the voice, and there you saw Bradley waving him off as he called again,

 “JAKE! COME SEE THIS!! It’ll be quick!”

Jake was about to tell him ‘no’, you could see it in the way he had started shaking his head, but your put your hand on his shoulder, stopping him,

 “It’s ok, you can go with them for a moment. They’re calling you, I’ll stay here and get another drink for now. Go on, sweets.”

 If it wasn’t because this was the first date and he just met you, Jake would’ve kissed you so hard till you stopped breathing. No other girl in his life in the history of his dating had ever let him go with is friends for a split second. (Cause Jake’s wing buddies always wanted his attention when they felt something cool was going on and they didn’t want him to miss it.) Jake jumped off his seat and held the energy of a child as he informed you,

“Just give me a minute... I’ll be right back darling. Stay here. Penny, give her another drink. On me, please.”

 There was no room for protesting when a new drink was placed in front of you, and you weren’t going to decline it when he was happily buying you drinks, so happily you too it and drank the whole thing. Feeling the beer go down to your throat into your stomach was refreshing for a minute, you no longer felt shy and uncomfortable, instead you felt strong and the boss of the hour. After downing a few more, you felt a little more loose and slightly buzzy, but still in control of yourself, or so you thought. But then someone took a seat next to you, and pulled your arm towards them as they gossiped only your ear,

 “Omg your date is going hard on another girl.”

 You looked at the blonde girl who was the one  next to you and were completely confused as she added,

 “He hasn’t let her go sense she’s approached him.”

She then gripped your jaw and turned your face to see them, in the back. And there you saw Jake’s back facing you as you saw a certain pair of hands rest on his back, as if she was hugging him. You felt a dart of hurt hit your chest as you saw them, you could only think,

 ‘He just left me here for her! Why would he-‘

 “Do you want to get him back?”

The blondes voice brought you back to reality, and you asked for her to repeat and clarify,

 “What? What do you mean?”

The blonde flipped her hair back and showed off her cute sleeveless blouse, and appealing chest. You in that moment admitted to yourself that she was so much better than you in everything, she looked perfect. You gulped down for a second as she repeated,

“If you want to get him back... you have to beat her in a beer chug, fair and square, let’s settle this like grown women if you want him.”

 You looked back to look for Jake and saw him being dragged by the other girl, and sank into your seat when you saw how much more prettier she was than you.

‘Damn she’s gorgeous... beats me for sure....’

Jake’s face held a smile at you, but it didn’t look so genuine as earlier, as his arm was being held tightly by the brunette. But he was quick to muster out,

 “They say you want to participate in a challenge? To win something?”

 Your eyes found the blonde as you were going to say,

 ‘No, I don’t recall doing that.’

But the blonde answered for you as she said with a squeaky voice,

 “Yes!! Her and my bestie Brenda are going to have a beer chug contest!! And who ever wins-“

 She then made her head tilt towards Jake, as she ended with,

“Leaves with the prize... Let’s see who wants it more.”

 Jake looked at you confused, but agreed to it when you confirmed that you’d go for it, though you weren’t totally convinced.

 “Yeah... that’s.. the plan. She wanted me try it out.”

 You caught the attention of the surrounding customers, and soon they began to cheer out loud, supporting the upcoming challenge. You honestly in that moment thought that Jake was behind all this, sense the brunette and blond seemed to have settled the plan already beforehand, and how the blond told you and the brunette told him. And from how she touched Jake and held his attention, it  seemed like he had known her for a while and knew about this new challenge. Soon the rules were settled down, to which you didn’t hear half of, as you were too nervous about losing the challenge and losing Jake, as well as a little upset thinking that he had set you up for a challenge, thinking you were a game, and lastly you were upset that you agreed to it all because you were confused and didn’t want to say no. You stood at the pool table in the back, with 10 glasses of beer in front of you. And on the other side of the pool table, stood the brunette, with the same amount of glasses as well. In the center of the table laid a white  napkin, which was to be grabbed and held up when you finished first, or at least you thought that was the reason why it was there. Penny stood at the edge of the table, and was the one to count down for it to begin. As you prepared yourself you felt a hand fall on your back, as a soft voice followed,

 “You sure you’re going to do this? You don’t have to, you haven’t started.”

 That was Jake who was speaking to you, but you were determined to show him and the girls, that you could take it (I mean after all you thought they were setting you up for defeat, so you wanted  to prove that you could win) You sent him a firm nod,

 “Yup, I got this.”

 Joke didn’t look to happy by your response, which confused you for a minute, you thought he’d be smug and proud about it. But you stopped thinking about it all when you hear Penny shout,

 “Ready ladies?!”

“Ready!!”

 “Definitely.”

After saying ‘definitely’, you took a deep breath and waited for the bell to ring, which came quickly,

 DING DING DING!!!!

“GO!!”

The cheers of the bar grew so loud when the challenge began, some screaming the brunette’s name and others screaming the word ‘CHUG’. You were downing your 4th cup when you heard a familiar Texan accent shout from behind you,

 “Come on!! You got this Teacher girl!! Go go go!! Dagger Squad, cheer her on with me!!”

 Soon you heard more people cheer you on, calling you ‘Miss’ or ‘Teacher’, which to you thought was kinda cute to be honest. You were on your 7th cup, thinking you were going to be able to take down the rest, until a stabbing pain hit your stomach, making you put your cup down and groan. Jake was quick to grab your waist as he asked worriedly,

 “Hey hey! are you ok? Talk to me.”

But the blonde pulled him away as she warned him,

 “You can’t help her or talk to her until she’s finished, just let her be. Move back.”

Jake grew a little upset as some people agreed with her, and made him move back from you. You missed his touch and voice, but nonetheless decided to keep on, taking on the last cups like a champ. Everyone around began to shout in sync as you almost finished up,

 “CHUG CHUG CHUG!!”

You really didn’t want to be kicked out, but your tummy couldn’t take anymore, you had 3 glasses of beer left out of the 10. You felt your tummy clench again in pain, but this time it was worse, like if someone was pulling your intestines out, but thankfully  you were miraculously on the last cup. You slammed the empty glass of beer onto the bar, making it bounce and fall over. Then you reached for the napkin, and you lifted it up up, thinking you were doing the right thing. But that’s when you heard a few disappointed ‘ohs’ and a silence fill the room, which made you drop the napkin and look around, seeing the people’s faces look sad and sympathetic for you. You scrunched up your face with pain that started to grow in your stomach more as you asked curiously,

 “What’s wrong?”

The blonde came to stand in front of you as she boasted,

  “You silly bitch, I didn’t say who finished first won, I said you lost if you raised your napkin first... but sense you were such in a hurry to win someone that isn’t fit for you, you didn’t listen. And now you lost.”

 You felt a twist of pain stab your gut, along with a wave of embarrassment and shame hit you. You felt the tears beginning to grow in your eyes as you realized that you had been played, played horribly. Slamming your debit card onto the pool table you put forth,

 “Let’s carry on with the deal. I lost, I’ll pay for everyone’s drinks.”

 The blonde pushed your card back to you as she shook her head ‘no’, having a blast as she watched your face showing pain and confusion,

  “Nuh uuuhhh.... the loser gets thrown out, by the winner. Girls! I need assistance!!”

 You held your hands up as you protested,

 “Wait- I didn’t know! Hold on!-“

All the seagulls that rested peacefully on the beach ground in front of Hard Deck all flew away when the heard a loud ‘Thud’ and groan of pain leave someone’s lips, yours, as you hit the ground painfully. You rolled onto your back slowly as you tried not to move too much, you had landed on your tummy, and face planted into the sand. You thought you’d could lay there for a few seconds, to collect yourself to cry later, but your stomach had different plans, when it chose to reject all the liquor you had drunk. You felt it coming and came up to a quick stand and made it to the closest trash bin before heaving everything out. You hugged the top of the bin as you gave everything away, soon your body was trembling with pain and from the amount of force it was taking you to get rid of everything. After what felt like eternity, it all stopped, and now you stayed there letting the salvia from your lips fall into the bin and your tears from your eyes follow, as your began to sob. You should’ve known that that blonde was up to something, and that she was lying, but you were blinded by the fear of losing Jake to a girl you thought was far better than you, so you didn’t see it. From the distance you heard shouting, but chose to ignore it for now, 

 ‘It’s probably someone else’

You thought that as you continued to hear that person shout, but soon the words became understandable, and your ears perked up at it,

 “HEY MISS! Sweetheart where are you?!”

That was Jake, once again, his voice so smooth but still showing worry, as it came closer and closer to you, but now gave words that were to comfort you,

 “Oh Sweet stars... it’s ok.. I’m right here. I -I brought your stuff too. You’re ok..”

You nodded at his information and soon felt your hair being pulled up and held in his hands, clearing it from your face so it wouldn’t get dirty. You were about to call Jake out for the beer challenge but then the wave of shame hit you again, and you started throwing up again. He rubbed your back and stood tall, blocking you from others seeing you. When you finished you wanted to try against and call him out for the beer challenge, but his next words stopped you as he confessed,

 “Sweetheart.. God, they played you... you shouldn’t have listened to them. Even if you thought that they looked cooler or would mock you. Why did you say, yes? Now your tummy’s hurting.”

 His free palm rested on your stomach rubbing it slowly as to comfort you, and feeling his touch made you cry,

 “I thought it was your plan.... and I wanted to do it for you... like to.. damn it.. I don’t know.”

 You then stood up and wiped you mouth with your hands, not willing to face him as you started to cry silently. You faced the trash can, but was pulled away from it by the hand until you stood far away from it, near the shore. Jake put your bag on the sand by your feet before grabbing your hands to say,

  “It’s wasn’t my plan at all.. I thought it was yours.. but then I heard them laughing and saying that they had won me or some garbage like that... saying that you had fallen into their trap. That’s when I knew it was all a set up. I told Penny about their dirty bet, and she is making them pay for mistreating you... and I came to look for you.”

 You looked up and Jake and asked,

 “But why? Why would you come for me... I’m not the kind of girl you want to be around.. I’m not like.. them you know?”

 Jake let go of one hand and held you chin as he asked in a whisper,

“Why would you put yourself in such a vulnerable position then... for me?”

Hearing Jake whisper his concern to you only made your knees grow weaker to stand on, and more tears fall out,

“I.. I guess I was trying to impress you. I want to be that kind of girl you want.. and I thought I’d do that if I won the challenge.”

You kept her head hung low, ashamed and afraid that Jake might confirm what you feared most, the fact that no one could ever be impressed by you. You were a lonely woman, who depended on crazy teenagers to make you happy and keep you company during the day. You had a hard and long job, trying to steer these young people to success all while trying to raise yourself as well. At night the silence and darkness took over and the only place to hide from it was under your fluffy comforters. So, with all this, you could never be the dream girl all guys or even girls wanted, so were ready to give it up, walk away, and never see Hard Deck or Jake again, it’ll all be too humiliating once again. You then bent down to pick up your bag from the sandy ground, brushing off the few pecks of sand that stubbornly stayed on. With your sad eyes locked to the ground you began to shift your feet away from Jake and let his hands go as you said in a soft voice, trying to hide your embarrassment,

  “I’m so sorry.. It’s was nice meeting you Jake, goodbye-“

 A warm large hand grabbed your wrist gently as his sweet voice followed,

 “Woah woah where do you think your going? No... stay, it’s ok.”

You looked up at Jake confused, while he tugged you closer to him to stand in front of his broad form. Before you could question his motive or moves, he explained clearly and expressively with glistening, caring eyes,

 “You don’t need to impress me, I’m not- a King or something. I don’t expect you to be like everyone else either, it’s ok to be different. You’re more than ok, your amazing actually. You don’t have to be like them to be great. I mean, I could never handle so many young- crazy kids at once... I can barely handle myself... but you? Damn... I’d kill to have a day in your life... so I could feel what being patient and tolerant and so sweet is like.”

 The clean, beach air got caught in your throat as you took in Jake’s sincere words,  not being able to fully believe that he was being honest, until he added,

  “Believe me... I’ve never seen such a woman like you, and that’s... you’re so much better than anything. Forget everything that happen today, that doesn’t count.”

 You could tell Jake was getting more flustered by his own words, as he worded out what he felt about you he grew more shy about himself. His proud, smirk was long gone and the playful cockiness in his tone had too vanished, now it was replaced with softness, and a true calamity and comfort. You tried not to cry, out of finally feeling and being seen or out of relief that he didn’t let you go like everyone else always did, but you successfully failed when his calloused thumb found your cheek to wipe away your fallen tears. He then caressed your cheek and let his loving gaze search your face, patiently waiting for you to say anything back. You looked down quickly to gather your words, but he tilted your chin up to face him as he put forth,

 “Look at me when you say it, don’t hide.”

You opened your mouth then closed it, the words were all there but just couldn’t come out, it was like if your speaking ability had just failed you. So you did what you thought best to express your gratitude and feelings, you then threw yourself into his arms and wrapped your arms around his waist, tugging your head impossibly close to his chest, so close you could hear the change in his heartbeat, from slow and steady, to a now faster pace. 

 A low ‘oh’ was heard above you, but you didn’t dare let go, you just held on. And very soon you felt his arms come around you too and hug you tightly, along with a kiss on your head with a bonus,

  “I got you... I got you sweetheart.”

Once hidden in the safety and comfort of his arms, you grew the confidence to confess with a little sniffle,

“Thank you Jake... f-for seeing me.”

Jake awed with sincerity and pulled you away by the shoulders, then cradled your face as he looked down to see your full face, which was now adorning tear streaks and bright pink cheeks. A cute, soft smile lifted on his face, as he cooed,

  “I’ve seen you sense the beginning... and God I can’t peel my eyes off of you... I really like you.”

  Your eyebrows shot up with surprise and your mouth fell open, but you nonetheless, even in your shock state of this gorgeous man’s confession, you were able to reply back clearly with honesty,

 “I really like you too.”

You were able to see Jake drop his shoulders as if he was relieved, and his smile grew even larger, which made you even more happy and comfortable with him. But then you saw a sudden change in the way he held your face, and how his face began to hold a look of serious concentration, you raised your hands and held onto his wrists, as you worded nervously,

“Jake-“

 “May I kiss you?”

His interruption wasn’t missed, and neither was your excited answer,

 “Yes! Wait but I threw up-“

Jake chuckled and shrugged,

 “I don’t care.”

“Oh- oomph!!”

When Jake’s lips connected to yours, it was like if all the buried mines that held onto fear of not being loved or of being rejected, which rested on the field of your life, buried in your heart, had exploded and disappeared. All were replaced with a flower of love that Jake began to plant in your new garden. Butterflies exploded in her chest and set free everything you had always wanted to feel. Your palms rested on his chest as he tugged you closer and dipped your head to the side, wanting to gain more of your kiss and deepen it, deepen it like he was deepening his new love and desire for you. You wouldn’t care if the world ended all around you, or if the stars fell all around you, you knew you’d stay in this place and moment with Jake, for here, in his arms with his lips on yours, you felt safe and held, even with your guys’ eyes closed, trying to embrace the moment, you felt seen. When you pulled away for air Jake chased your lips, pecking them a couple more times before resting his lips on your forehead, keeping them there as he held you in a hug. You grew comfortable in his embrace, but your tummy was still upset, making painful turns inside which caused you to hide your face in his chest and whimper. Jake cooed you to stay strong for him, as he instructed,

 “Hold onto my neck, sweetheart.”

You whimpered an ‘ok’ as you did just that, not expecting him to move quickly and pick you up bridal style, beginning to walk towards the parked vehicles as he said,

 “Let me take care of you... do you like Mac and cheese? I make the best.”

 You peeked your head out of his chest as you beamed,

 “Really! I love Mac and cheese... would you-“

 “Of course! I’ll make you that and uh.. um... we’ll take it to your house, or do you want to stay at mine? Is that too weird?”

 Kissing Jake’s jaw you answered,

 “I can stay at yours... as long as I get my Mac and cheese.. I’ll be just fine.”

 With a sigh Jake replied,

 “Great! I’ll be happy with that-“

 “Oh but wait!!”

You then clutched Jake’s shirt as you cried,

 “I need my teddy bear Mr.Snuggles, I can’t sleep without him!! He’s like my sleeping support friend.”

 Jake stopped in his tracks and looked down at you, not being able to help himself as he fell harder for your and your different but adorable behavior. He kissed your forehead and promised,

“I’ll be your Mr.Snuggles tonight, don’t you worry darling.”

He began to walk to his truck and listened to you as you asked,

 “You like snuggles? Because I’ll hug tight and all.”

 He helped you in the truck and buckled you as he assured you with one big kiss on the cheek,

 “All I want is you... to be with you and to feel you, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. And I want to protect that as much as possible... and give you as many snuggles as possible. Everything you’ll ever need.. I‘lol take care of. Ok?”

 You nodded and cherished his gaze on you, as he lastly said,

 “I see you.”

[variety-fangirl]

Based off this ask:

Yours / Jimmy Keene x fem!reader:

Summary: inspo above ^ You and Jimmy had met in highschool, been friends for many years and dated not long after. Everything was perfect and he'd proposed after three years together. Was being the key here, because you hadn't expected to be engaged for a year and planning your wedding, only to find out you were 16 weeks pregnant with Jimmy's baby and him being arrested not long after before you had a chance to tell him. And if that wasn't bad enough, he pushes you away whilst in prison.

Warnings: angst which turns into fluff, happy ending. Not much (swearing, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of breast feeding, and general stresses of being a single mother semi-alone.)

Aurthor's Note: I'm back my loves! God has it been long overdue and how I have missed writing! College had been extremely busy and took up so much of my time, writing essays 3-5 times a week with little free time genuinely took all the joy out of wanting to write in my free time (when normally I always look forward to it and can't wait for the weekend to come so I can write). Months of non-stop work and a lack of free time made things so hard and I didn't want to do anything really. But! Now that college is finished, I am hoping to now return :D Yay! How I have missed it and you guys. Thank you to those who have been paitient, I know it sucks. Thank you for requesting, I do apologise that this took so long but I hope you read it and enjoy it all the same! As always, thank you guys for reading! It means the world to me, and I hope you guys enjoy! I have some exciting writing coming up! Liking, reblogging, and commenting really helps me out.

Plus note- I had started this earlier but I become quite unwell :( so it took me longer to get this done than before.

Word count: 2.7k

You had always thought your life was relatively normal. You had a lovely home, friends, a family, a fiance, etc... Nothing out of the ordinary, the same as most had. That was until your whole world got wiped out from under you, twofold. They always told you marriage was the hard part, that that would be where you had to put work in, but they failed to mention what could happen before that. The part no one had seen coming. That day in the courthouse, when Jimmy had reassured you all would be well and he wouldn't be gone long, he hadn't counted for the hard part either.

10 years.

10 fucking years he had been sentenced to. 10 years you would have to be without him and raising your baby alone. Not only would you lose him but your child would too, without ever even knowing him.

Even with him leaving for that long, you wouldn't move on or be with another. Jimmy was and is your everything, your soulmate and the one you were meant to be with. Granted, when you'd talked about and planned your future together over the years, you'd envisioned it side by side in your loving home. Not with him spending the next decade in prison, away from you and your baby.

When you'd heard those words come out of the judge's mouth and witnessed as the blood drained from Jimmy's face, the once smug and confident look wiping off his face instantly, you broke. If you hadn't already been sitting, you'd have collapsed under the shock and destruction that took over you like a boulder. Jimmy screamed your name as he'd been dragged away kicking and yelling, the tears pouring down your face as you desperately attempted to catch your breath. You couldn't, no matter how hard you'd tried, you were having a panic attack in the courthouse.

Jimmy's father had led you into the cool fresh air and held your hair back as you'd heaved and vomited all over the floor. He'd rubbed your back and said soothing, comforting, kind words to try and calm you down. Jimmy had driven you there, so you drove his car back. You all went to Jimmy's father's house to discuss what to do. You devised a plan on how everything would work and how best to support Jimmy through it. You had all cried together, huddled in a pile of supportive comfort to one another. It had helped you all to calm down enough but it didn't lessen or take away the raging knot of sorrow in your chest. The tight pressure that has refused to leave you, even to this day.

You had all agreed to take turns visiting Jimmy and provide him with anything he needed to make the difficult transition easier. But, to your absolute horror, Jimmy refused any of you to see him whilst in prison. You hadn't spoken to him, only heard the words from his father. He only spoke to his father on the phone. He allowed his father to visit him once in the beginning, in which he'd written you a letter for his father to give you.

The letter had been simple, straightforward and had left no room for argument. He had simply stated that he didn't want to keep you waiting so he was letting you go, that putting you through ten years of waiting was cruel and that he would always love you.

He'd left you. After everything, he had left you before you could tell him you were pregnant with his child.

You'd wanted to tell him so badly, but he wouldn't allow you to. You refused to have his father tell the father of your child and fiance that he was having a baby with the woman he was trying to push away. So, you'd tried to write him letters. Five in fact. Telling him about the baby and the fact that you wouldn't let him do this but he wouldn't accept them. He either kept them unopened or threw them away. You'd asked his father but he said he hadn't opened them and wouldn't.

You had told his father and stepmother the news, wanting to share it with someone and they had been so happy for you. They begged to tell him but understood that when you refused, it was something you wanted to share with him. So, you'd kept writing him letters with details about your pregnancy, provided pictures of your sonograms, and chatted about baby names. Hoping that one day he would open them and contact you on the number you provided.

But the call never came.

Your due date approached and arrived, and you gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy. He was a mirror of Jimmy, a spit of his father in every way. He was beautiful. Jimmy's parents had been there to support you every step of the way, and you'd stayed with them for the first three months after you'd given birth. You had struggled desperately on your own and hadn't coped with the loneliness, so they had offered you to stay with them for as long as you needed. And honestly, they had loved it anyway.

Being a single mother over the coming months alone had been an adjustment period and a difficult one at that. You hadn't thought months and months ago when you'd found out you were pregnant, that you would have been doing it by yourself. You had always envisioned that when the time came, you would be doing it together. With Jimmy, your beloved, by your side. And yet here you were with a toddler, raising him by yourself.

You'd been angry in the beginning with Jimmy, wishing he hadn't been so stupid but it quickly had turned into anguish and sadness. Night after night as your baby slept beside you, you'd wonder how he was doing in prison. Wondering how he was managing, hoping he wasn't hurt or being hurt by others. You knew Jimmy was more than capable and could take care of himself, but that didn't mean that you didn't still worry for his safety and wellbeing.

You looked down at your son and wondered how different things would have been had Jimmy been by your side raising your son together. How sad you felt for the small things Jimmy had already missed. Your pregnancy and the bonding, the birth of his son and being by your side to support you inside of his parents, the first night home, the first feed, the first bath, etc... All the little things that bonded you to your baby and the precious memories those hold.

Throughout the months you had shown your baby boy pictures of his father and chatted to him about stories of Jimmy, even though you knew he didn't fully comprehend or understand what you were saying, you still felt it was important. You repeated 'da da' to the photos of Jimmy, trying to help your son associate his father with the photo, so he would know who he was. Eventually, he started babbling 'da da' at the photo on his own as the months went on. It made you smile bittersweetly that he seemed to recognise him in some ways at least.

A few weeks after your son had turned eleven months, you found out from Jimmy's father that he would be released from prison due to a secret deal he'd made with investigators for information about a serial killer's victims, in which the serial killer was in the prison with Jimmy. To say you were shocked was an understatement. Not only did you still not come to the acceptance that Jimmy would be gone for ten years, but you now had to accept and wrap your head around that he would be released a week from now. Just before your son turned 1 year old.

You had instantly burst into tears. Tears of confusion, relief, happiness, and worry. Jimmy had rejected you in more ways than one. He rejected you as his partner and took the option of choice away from you, as a way of trying to protect you but in doing so had hurt you more. He rejected the promise he had made to you, in which you would be together until you both died. He rejected your son, without even knowing him or the fact he was doing it because he refused to even give you the respect of speaking to you. And he rejected you and your feelings. He pushed you and your baby away.

You had asked his father to pick Jimmy up on the day of his release, for both obvious and selfish reasons, and asked that he prepare Jimmy for things to be different when he arrives home. But not to mention your son, you would do that. You had also asked his father to tell Jimmy that you were still at your home and wanted to talk when he arrived. He said he would get Jimmy to text you from his phone when they were close, so to give you enough time to prepare for his arrival.

You prepared some tea for yourself to calm down, fed your son and changed him, cleaned a little and waited anxiously for the text. You had stared furiously at your phone for that text. You'd distracted yourself by telling your adorable son that his father was coming home, hoping your baby would calm you down enough. You wondered if he would recognise him when he came through the door. And, how Jimmy would react when he sees the mini version of him.

Twenty minutes later, Jimmy and his father are outside your home, slowly making their way inside. You had chosen to stand in the hall, facing the door with your son in your arms, waiting patiently but anxiously for them to walk through the door. You had let them know to knock and then walk inside on their own accord.

The door opened slowly, so agonisingly slow and quietly, that you could hear and feel your heartbeat around you. Your breathing laboured in anxiety and stress. But the second you laid eyes on Jimmy, it felt like your world was complete. The man you love was standing in front of you in the open doorway once more with a look of utter shock on his face. He was looking at you and it felt like time stopped for a moment. You both stared wide-eyed at one another, not uttering a word.

That was until your son squealed in annoyance that no one was paying attention to him. He fussed to be put down, putting up a fight against you, so you put him down to do as he pleased. What you didn't expect though, was for your son to crawl over to Jimmy babbling 'dadada' over and over, until he was at Jimmy's feet. He squealed in happiness as he raised his arms and did grabby hands towards Jimmy, indicating he wanted to be picked up.

Jimmy looked at you as if asking for permission. You nodded and watched as Jimmy picked him up. Your son squealed whilst continuing to babble about 'dadada' as he grabbed Jimmy's face. You finally decide to speak, to break the awkward silence from everyone. "Jimmy, meet your son Tyler. Tyler sweetie, meet your daddy." You sweetly cooed the end to your son, introducing the two. Jimmy looked at your son in awe as he gently ran a finger down his cute chubby cheek.

"Baby? How? I have so many questions." Jimmy questions in both shock and awe, smiling when Tyler babbles nonsense at him and happily waves his arms about. You smiled at the scene in front of you and nodded, "I showed him pictures of you and said 'da da' at it. To help him recognise you. Granted I didn't know you would be released so soon and didn't expect him to pick it up so soon. But I'm glad he seems to recognise you. Shall we sit so I can explain?"

You invite them both in, watching with amusement and melting inside as Jimmy carefully watches his every step, looking downward as he moves into the living room with you. James stepped back, "I'll leave you pair to talk, I'll come by later sweetheart." You nodded appreciatively and hugged him before joining Jimmy.

You sit down with Jimmy on the couch, sitting Tyler on your lap as you face Jimmy. It was dinner time, so you pulled out your breast to feed Tyler. "Oh shit! I'll look away..." Jimmy coughed and turned away quickly as you situated Tyler comfortably to eat. You giggled to yourself, "C'mon Jim. It's nothing you haven't seen before. Besides, technically we didn't break up, so..." You cleared your throat uncomfortably, and Jimmy turned to look at you with a confused expression.

You decided to just get on with explaining, to make things more clearer for him. "I was already pregnant before you got arrested but I only found out a week before. I had missed my period and decided to just take a test to be sure and found out. I was going to tell you but then everything turned into chaos and you shut me out. I wrote you letters, so many letters Jim, explaining that we were expecting and for you to please call me or let me visit, but you never replied..." You took a deep breath, looking away for a moment.

"But I never stopped writing them. I put important stuff in there FIY, if you want to be caught up properly." You looked down and stroked your son's cheek as you spoke the next part, it hurt too much to say whilst looking at Jimmy. "I wanted to be there for you, you know? To support you through it and introduce you to our child but you refused to even speak to me. Like, what the fuck Jim? A letter?! I had no choice but to tell you about my pregnancy through letters because you gave me no other choice but you wouldn't even give me the decency of trying to break up with me in person?" You tried to stay calm to not disturb Tyler but you were hurt and raised your voice slightly.

You lifted your head to look at Jimmy when you heard him groan, "Shit, I'm so fucking sorry y/n. I fucked everything so badly with you and our child." Jimmy placed his head in his hands, "Wait, you said 'trying to break up'?" He lifted his head in question with tears in his eyes, pulling at your heartstrings. You nodded, "I did." He looked at you with such lost confusion that you rolled your eyes, "What? You thought I was going to let you break up with me from prison through a letter? Absolutely not."

"So... We are still technically together then?" He questions with a hopeful look, his eyes wide. You smile, "technically yes, but we aren't just going to go back to normal. If you still want this, us, then you'll have to make it up to me for your stupidity." Jimmy nods happily with a smile before looking down at your son. "I'll make it up to you, both of you. I promise."

Jimmy already looked besotted with Tyler, "he's a spit of you, isn't he?" You question with a smile. Jimmy nods, "a proper mini-me." He whispers as he places his finger between Tyler's, and grins proudly when Tyler grips them back. You smile down at the pair, feeling overwhelmed and happy.

Twenty minutes later, Tyler is fed and down for a nap in your arms happily. Jimmy is sitting beside you on the couch reading each of the letters you sent him from the beginng, saying he didn't want to waste any time and be caught up with everything he missed so he could adjust to being home and a father. You nodded and just simply watched, answering any questions he had or commenting on certain parts for further clarity. All while you had your head on his shoulder.

After much inner turmoil and encouragement from you, Jimmy placed his arm around your shoulder and hugged you and your son whilst reading. Eventually, his parents came by to see you all, to which you were all overcome with emotions and cried together whilst laughing at how ridiculous you all looked. Jimmy refused to move from either of your or Tyler's sides the whole time. And for the first time in almost a year, you finally felt content and not alone.

[ickynights]

Finals season stress

Ivan + Seongmin

Seongmin’s older sister had warned the younger just how difficult his first finals season would be in college but he didn’t expect it to take over his life like this.

He prided himself on the neat arrangement of his side of the dorm, a stark contrast to his roommate and boyfriend, Ivan, whose space often looked more ‘lived-in’. Where Seongmin’s area was a model of college tidiness, with every book and note in its rightful place, not a piece of trash in sight. Dorm room magazines had nothing on him.

All of his attempts to stay the cleanest student in the dorm building held zero meaning now. Now, his room was nearly unrecognizable.

His once pristine desk was scattered with countless open textbooks, overlapped with papers covered in sticky notes which barely could be considered eligible. Half-empty coffee mugs and mounds of snack wrappers throughly filled the rest of the empty spaces. His laptop, buried under a mound of class handouts and old quizzes, buzzed with notification reminders of upcoming deadlines. The clothes that were usually folded neatly in the closet or tucked away in drawers, were draped over the back of his chair and cluttered atop his bed, some of which he wasn’t even sure were clean.

Normally, Ivan would tease his boyfriend about such a drastic change, but even he couldn’t bring himself to find humor in the situation this time. Although Ivan was busy with his own exams and essays, he couldn’t help but focus on how much of a mess his boyfriend had become.

Throughout the first semester, Seongmin had diligently prepared healthy meals for both himself and Ivan, almost never opting for the school’s cafeteria shitty food. However, over the past two weeks, his diet had taken a drastic turn. The poor boy had lived off of only two large family packs of Goldfish and far too many slices of cafeteria pizza for his belly’s comfort.

Ivan tried to convince Seongmin to at least throw some fruit into the mix but he was only met with an eye roll and a quiet no thanks. The only thing Ivan could do was watch as his once perfectly put together boyfriend practically wither away in stress induced malnourishment, and hope Seongmin could become himself again after finals ended.

—————

"Could you turn your show down a bit?" Seongmin groaned, his eyes glued to his English textbook. "I know you've finished all your work, but I still need to get through this essay."

Ivan obliged and lowered the volume of the Tv, and casted a sympathetic glance at Seongmin, “Why don’t you take a break to eat, baby. My mom brought over food earlier, it’s your favorite.”

Seongmin looked up from his laptop, something he was sure he hadn’t done all day. He noticed how concerned his boyfriend looked and his stomach practically screamed at him to put actual food in it, but he just simply didn’t have the time to eat anything.

“I have an hour left till this essay is due and I need to revise more,” Seongmin started, trying to ignore the instant eye roll he received back, “But, I promise the second I submit this essay, I’ll sit down and eat with you. Please bear with me, honey. You know I don’t like this any more than you do,” Seongmin pleaded, his expression morphing into a small pout that he hoped would soften Ivan’s frustration.

“Fine, but just so you know, I’m not letting you leave this room until you finish everything she’s made,” Ivan answered roughly, pushing himself up from the couch with an audible sigh of frustration. “I’m serious, Seongmin. You can’t keep skipping meals like this. It’s not healthy, and I won’t stand by and watch you run yourself into the ground,” Ivan added, his tone firm but tinged with worry.

“I appreciate your concern, Ivan, but you’re not my keeper,” Seongmin retorted, his voice sharp and eyes narrowing slightly in frustration. “I know my own limits, okay? I just need to get through this essay, and then I’ll eat—like I said. I don’t need a lecture on top of everything else right now.”

Ivan sighed heavily, the frustration evident in his voice as he grabbed his jacket. “You say that, but you’ve given me this promise like five times this week and guess what? You haven’t kept it once,” he pointed out sharply, his expression tight with irritation. Throwing on his jacket, he added, “So, excuse me if I’m not exactly overflowing with trust right now. Eat whatever you fucking want. I don’t care anymore.” Ivan left, slamming their door.

Seongmin watched silently as his stray papers swayed in the draft, the light rustling sound punctuating the tense silence left in the wake of their argument. His eyes lingered on the door, almost hoping his boyfriend would turn around and come right back in to make up with him.

With a heavy sigh, Seongmin leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair in frustration. The room felt emptier without Ivan’s presence, and the weight of his words lingered in the air. Despite his annoyance, Seongmin knew Ivan was right. He had been neglecting his health, and his promises to take care of himself had fallen unanswered. Seongmin debated running out of the room to chase after Ivan but he knew the older needed space.

Taking a deep breath in, Seongmin focused himself back on his essay in hopes to finish in it in record time. Logistically, he knew exactly how to make it up to Ivan— the simple gesture of actually listening to him and eating the home cooked meal.

It didn't take long for Seongmin to finish editing the essay and submit it. While it wasn't as well-written as his previous work, he reasoned that one B couldn't hurt. Besides, he'd much rather prioritize making Ivan happy than obsess over the quality of his essay, that barely mattered in the long run.

Seongmin quickly got up from his chair and walked over to the microwave, where he knew Ivan had left the pre-made food. Opening the microwave, he found a large, steaming casserole dish filled. The enticing aroma of spices and slow-cooked flavors filled the air, making his mouth water in anticipation. The dish was a colorful array of tender chicken simmered in a spicy tomato sauce, mixed with bell peppers, onions, and black beans.

The food looked absolutely delicious, but Seongmin couldn't fathom how he was expected to finish the whole thing. There was no way Ivan's mom had made the dish just for him. Yet, Ivan had specifically instructed Seongmin to finish it all. He could very well had just been saying that out of anger but Seongmin was determined to appease his partner.

As Seongmin started eating, he found the dish to be incredibly tasty. Each bite was a mix of flavors and textures that reminded why he always chose to eat home cooked meals in the first place.

Seongmin continued eating, he could feel himself growing increasingly full and uncomfortable. Not even halfway through, he noticed his belly straining against his sweatpants. It audibly protested, signaling it was ready for him to stop. However, Seongmin was determined not to let Ivan down.

Despite his determination, Seongmin’s body began to rebel against the onslaught of food. With each bite, his stomach got increasingly more bloated the pressure in his belly building to an almost unbearable level. He shifted on the couch, trying to find a more comfortable position, but it offered little relief.

Seongmin rarely burped, finding the act rather disgusting. However, as he continued to eat, not a minute went by without a small (or large), involuntary burp escaping him. Each one seemed to release a bit of the pressure building up in his stomach, offering a momentary reprieve from the discomfort.

After what felt like an eternity, Seongmin finally finished the last bite of food. Despite feeling queasy and the slightest movement threatening to send him rushing to the bathroom, he grabbed his phone and snapped a picture of the empty dish and his very bloated belly. With a sense of accomplishment mingled with discomfort, he sent the photo to Ivan, proof that he had indeed finished it all.

Seongmin carefully lowered himself back onto the couch, letting out a low groan as he felt the contents of his stomach swirl uncomfortably. The gurgling was becoming more and more concerning, with Seongmin watching in awe as he could practically see them rippling across his upper belly.

Seongmin had been no stranger to an upset tummy with how much junk he’d put into himself for the past week but this by far worse than anything he had ever experienced. The discomfort was becoming unbearable, and Seongmin was unsure if he’d even be able to digest all the food he just ate.

Just as he was about to roll over and try to sleep off the pain, he felt his phone vibrate with a notification. Seongmin moaned as he reached over to look at his phone.

The message from Ivan read, “Baby, please tell me you didn’t actually didn’t eat all that food?”

Seongmin rolled his eyes, wasn’t that exactly what the older had told him to do…

“That’s what you told me to do, was it not?” Seongmin replied, feeling a bit guilty for his obvious upset tone. But his tummy was hurting, who could blame him!

Ivan responded within seconds, “I was just kidding, baby! You must be feeling so sick :( I’m on my way home now, try to relax until then.”

Seongmin felt his belly loudly grumble as he read Ivan’s text. He glanced down with an apologetic look spread across his face. He had put the poor thing through hell over an exaggeration. Placing his hand onto his stomach, he rubbed it gently, wincing as it cramped, almost as if it was chastising him.

Thankfully, to Seongmin and his stomach's relief, Ivan arrived back at the door quickly with a bag full of medicine and waters in hand.

Ivan rushed over to Seongmin, concern etched on his face. “Are you okay?” he asked, dropping the bag onto the coffee table and placing his hand on Seongmin’s tummy.

“My tummy hurts,” Seongmin whined, leaning into Ivan’s touch.

Ivan frowned and used his other hand to caress his boyfriend’s lips. “I’m sorry, baby. I really didn’t think you’d take it literally,” he apologized, his voice filled with remorse. Leaning in, he kissed Seongmin gently, afraid to hurt him further. “I got you some medicine that should help it all digest easier. You think you can handle them right now?”

Seongmin nodded weakly, willing to try anything to get his stomach to settle. He sat up slowly, holding onto Ivan’s arm for balence, he took the medicine and swallowed it with the water, hoping for some relief.

The two settled into the couch, with Ivan lying behind Seongmin. He hummed softly as he rubbed gentle, soothing circles onto the younger’s belly. Seongmin closed his eyes, feeling the tension slowly drift away under Ivan’s touch. The rhythmic motion of Ivan’s hand was comforting, and Seongmin couldn’t help but relax into the embrace. The room was quiet, the only sound the soft hum of Ivan’s soothing tune and the upset gurgling from Seongmin’s stomach.

Seongmin drifted off to sleep, the gentle rhythm of Ivan’s hand on his belly lulling him into a peaceful slumber. Ivan continued to rub Seongmin’s stomach, his touch light and soothing.

Ivan’s hand stilled as he felt the rumbles coming from Seongmin’s stomach grow more intense. He tried to follow their source, his brows furrowing in concern. Seongmin shifted slightly in his sleep, a soft moan escaping his lips. Ivan debated on whether to wake up the younger or not. It was obvious to him, Seongmin’s belly had zero plans on allowing the meal to stay inside it much longer, but Ivan didn’t want to disturb his boyfriend’s rest— he barely had any all week.

After a moment’s hesitation, Ivan gently shook Seongmin awake, his voice laced with concern. “Seongmin, wake up. Are you feeling okay?” he asked, his hand still resting on Seongmin’s belly. Seongmin stirred, his eyes fluttering open. He looked up at Ivan, confusion and discomfort evident in his expression. Before Seongmin could whine about being woken up, he felt his stomach harshly lurch. Seongmin barely even awake, turned to the side and retched violently, emptying the contents of his stomach onto the floor beside the couch.

Ivan quickly got up and grabbed the trash can, placing it under Seongmin just in time as he vomited again, his body heaving with each retch. Ivan rubbed Seongmin’s back soothingly, while also holding him upright to help ease the strain on his body. Seongmin’s face was pale, sweat beading on his forehead as he continuously emptied the contents of his stomach into the trash can.

After a few minutes, the retching ended, and Seongmin slumped back into Ivan’s hold.

“I’m here, Seongmin. You’re going to be okay,” Ivan whispered, his voice filled with reassurance. He continued to rub Seongmin’s back soothingly, his touch gentle and comforting. “Do you think you’ll be sick again?”

Seongmin shook his head weakly, moving away from the trash can. “Just want to sleep now,” he mumbled, leaning back to lay down on the couch.

Ivan nodded understandingly, helping Seongmin get comfortable before lying down beside him. He wrapped an arm around Seongmin, pulling him close, and began to gently stroke his hair, soothing him back to sleep.

[benkyoutobentou]

31 Days of Productivity Reading: Retrospective

This ended up being an entire essay so I had to make it into its own post!

How did my goals turn out? I'm so glad you asked.

Finish No. 6 volume 3

[X] Read [half of] 憎らしい彼

Read 独り舞

Read at least ten volumes of manga

[30/31] Read at least an hour per day

Personally, I think I did alright with my goals, especially considering how busy I was during the first few weeks of the month. I only missed my reading goal one day out of the month! I'm happy with that! That one miss was definitely odd though. The very next day, I found myself debating if I should still hit the hour mark. After all, I had already missed one day. What's one more? But I squashed that thought and continued on as though I never missed at all. Missing only once is better than missing twice!

During the course of this challenge, I finished twelve books (two novels and ten manga volumes) and started one more novel. The two novels I finished were No. 6 volume three by Asano Atsuko and 独り舞 by Li Kotomi, the novel I started but didn't get around to finishing was 憎らしい彼 by Nagira Yuu (which is the second book in the美しい彼 series). The manga volumes that I read were 僕らの地球の歩き方 (5) by Sorai Mone, 光が死んだ夏 (4) by Mokmok Len, ベルサイユのばら (1, 2) by Ikeda Riyoko, ３月のライオン (5) by Umino Chica, and ロンリーガールに逆らえない (1-5) by Kashikaze. If I were forced to pick a favorite of the month, I think I would have to choose volume five of ボクチキ but I feel like that's kind of cheating, since it's already my favorite manga series. Most of what I read during the month ended up being continuations of series that I had previously started reading, and I only read two completely new to me things (独り舞 and ロンガル).

Did my physical tbr shrink during this challenge? No! Not at all! Yikes! At the beginning of the month, I got a huge package of eighteen books from a lovely friend over on Instagram who doesn't read Japanese and was getting rid of them anyways. Then, I found the entirety of Basara at a used book shop and picked up the first five volumes. I want to start reading more older and classic shoujo, so this was the perfect opportunity to pick up a series that I probably wouldn't have read otherwise. So in the end, my Japanese tbr ended up expanding by thirteen books, but at least it didn't expand by twenty three, right?

As much as this challenge was a success, it was also a failure. I started this challenge to encourage myself to prioritize reading in my schedule and, honestly, that didn't happen as much as I had hoped. I talked a bit about this with a neighbor who wants to practice piano more, but I think that sometimes, putting emphasis on something can create a mental block, no matter how much you enjoy the activity. Especially with a challenge like this, I constantly felt like I had to have enough time to read. What even is enough time to read? Instead of picking up a book whenever and wherever, I was trying to force time for it, which just ended up making it so that I would push off reading until the very end of the day. It's the same as with practicing piano. If you stop to play a little song when you have five minutes, you'll probably play a lot more in the day than if you specifically try to find enough time for a full hour long practice session. Often, those little pick ups turn into a lot more if you let them.

I mentioned this a bit before, but I'd like to say it again and possibly expand on it. I think I'd like to bring this challenge back in a few months, but instead of focusing on time spent, focus more on page count. This would encourage those small pick ups rather than discourage them, as I felt this timing method did. Each time I wanted to read, I had to start the timer, stop it every time I got interrupted, and overall it was kind of a pain. Definitely not the ideal reading circumstances.

One thing that I did like about the timing system was being able to see my average reading speed. My average speed ended up being a little bit faster than what I had previously thought! My guess before this was about five minutes per novel page. I'm not a whole lot faster than that, but small progress is still progress! It was also interesting to see how my reading speed differed between different manga series and wh that was. I read some series that I knew were slower reads for me (３月のライオン) and some that I knew would be easier (ロンガル) but actually seeing the differences in the way the manga was written and drawn and how that related to my reading speed was interesting. I didn't get to all the manga series I wanted to in the end, but I won't stop reading just because this challenge is over.

Overall, I am really glad that I did this challenge. I had a lot of fun writing these updates each day and I am glad that I got through some books on my tbr, even if I would have liked to have made a bit more progress than I did. Expect to see more of this in the future! Just, maybe not the super near future. I'm also thinking of other fun reading challenges to do... Someone I follow on Instagram has an immersion bingo board that they complete each month, so maybe I could do that with my Japanese rads? Much to be considered... Until next time!

[wordsandrobots]

Had a pretty bad day so I'm going to boast about something.

I didn't mention it at the time but posting Chapter 14 of Ragnarök in G Minor on Friday took it past the previous high bar for individual Wishing on Space Hardware fic-length set by The Ares Affair (72,872 words vs 69,850). And this latest story isn't even halfway done. That'll come next week, and take the total word count for the series over 550,000 words.

(I'm hoping to land at about 555,000 because who wouldn't?)

Which is nice, and a good reminder of why, exactly, it took me half a year longer than expected to get Ragnarök finished. Because that did kind of disappoint me, but looking at it like this, it makes sense. There was a *lot* to get through to tie the overarching story together and give everybody some sort of key moment. My problem with writing fic for Iron-Blooded Orphans is that I want to write about ALL of it, and every single character, so it was probably inevitable that it wouldn't conclude with anything less then a doorstop of a fic.

Chapter 14 also marked the end of the character arc I started with the first IBO fic I wrote and I want to write a brief commentary on that. I'm planning a proper 'author's note' essay when the whole series is done, but this . . . this is something more specific.

(Behind a cut because it is talking about endgame stuff for Wishing on Space Hardware, which is already a post-canon fic for Iron-Blooded Orphans, so, yeah. Take heed and beware ye spoilers.)

I can't remember when exactly I decided one of the climaxes was going to be a three-way fight between fun-house mirror versions of the Devil of Tekkadan. Like much of WoSH, it fell out of the ever-expanding churn of ideas IBO left me with. But it's an obvious thing to do: take the legacy of the anime's protagonists and fracture it against itself for the sake of drama. Because whatever else, we are talking about a group of deeply traumatised child soldiers and there remains the potential for a lot of bad things to follow the hopeful ending of the show.

Embi is all the worst parts of Tekkadan. Violent, arrogant, selfish, reckless -- he's the vessel into whom I poured all that and more, to the point of having him actively reject the better parts. Heart-sickened by the death of his brother, the bonds of comradeship fray until he can't stand the sight of his former squad-mates, much less the miraculous returnee from the dead who catalyses the events of WoSH. At the same time, he can't stay at his worst. He struggles with new connections because they threaten to pull him from his grief. He doesn't want to move on. Embi roots himself in an old dream of being like Mikazuki, in the life of a mercenary soldier. Fighting is all he knows and beyond it lies the terrifying prospect of hope and trying. He'd have much preferred to burn up over Mars. At least that would have been a safely familiar ending.

Ordsley suffers the myth of Tekkadan, transformed by people who saw what a group of Martian children 'achieved' and wanted to surpass them. Yet the curse inflicted on him -- for he is of course a werewolf, turning with the influence of the crescent moon -- is to become unwilling legatee of Mikazuki's reality: the beast and the boy, the contradictory dreams of someone trapped by a system that sees people as raw material. For the smart young man at home on the proper side of history, it's a hell of a shock to reckon with the humanity of those condemned for their rebellion. Here, finally joining the survivors on the battlefield they once called home, the pieces click, for at least a moment. There are no easy answers in a world that offers children a choice between killing and starvation, but perhaps in the middle of the fray, it is easier to understand why they call each other friend.

Then there's Shino. The lovely, blood-thirsty himbo I thought it would be interesting to pluck from his canonical fate.

I know when I decided to shatter his prosthetic. The middle of last year, after reading writing by amputees, talking about how they are depicted, how that feeds and feeds off narratives fundamentally disconnected from their lived experiences. Still, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not trying to speak to those experiences. The canon has sci-fi prosthetics. It's detached from the real world. It's just, the ways it also problematises them . . . the way, particularly with the addition of 598 and his cybernetic eye, that dovetails with the propaganda drive from militaries to gift high-tech limb replacements to those mangled in the course of fighting . . . I don't regret pushing myself to dip my toe in those waters.

You see, I wanted to tie together the strands of Shino's trauma. His instinctive reach for quid pro quo in his relationship with Yamagi, finally answered with the truth of everything positive he left behind on his first 'death'. His great bête noire, that failure of his last-ditch effort to save Tekkadan, coming full-circle as he's given another chance, another challenge, met this time with greater experience and maturity, and the knowledge of when not to fight. Third-best no longer, bolstered by all those who taught him what it takes to fly.

And as he gets to prove his mastery -- in ways beyond Embi's suicidal commitment and Ordsley's engineered supremacy -- he also reckons once more with that pernicious belief he is only fit to fight.

There isn't an answer, you know. Those doubts about ourselves, those demons, don't go away even when we let them go. We just learn to carry on regardless. To accept the possibility that we can live anyway, and to stop throwing the best parts of ourselves under the bus in our rush to distance ourselves from the worst.

So the arm is smashed to bits, the fate of the mobile suit pilot, the soldier, the body spent in violence. But Shino finally sees his younger self in a positive light and does what nobody else was able to for Embi: tell him it's OK to leave. Whatever it takes to be happy, even if that's a million miles away. He treats Ordsley as Ordsley, not Mika 2.0, reinforcing Ordsley's newfound balance. Above all, throughout everything, he is not alone. This final fight is spent with Eugene right at Shino's side, backing him up, trusting him. The Ryusei-Go is Tekkadan as a community, the part that truly never wilted. Because the reason Shino can have this moment of catharsis is that he is loved. So many people, building him up, giving him a future.

Everything he would do for them, unhesitatingly, and has, more times than he will ever realise.

I don't know if it's character development, exactly. Honestly, I don't know if the chapter actually encapsulates these things the way I wanted it to. I've read it too many times to see it straight any more and, even with a lovely band of readers I am privileged to have commenting, I'm doubting myself a lot these days. I don't sit well on my laurels, with the things I've completed, the word counts and the tick-marks. I worry it's still not enough. Put a fair of myself in Shino, there.

But I think it's good. I think it came out the way I wanted it to. I think it's the right thing for the story, to take a giant mecha battle, the tragic, inevitable conflict, and flip it around into an act of firefighting. I think I should be proud I got here, even if I never expected to when I first sat down at my keyboard to explain why the hot bisexual anime boy was still alive, actually.

So I'm make a note, to myself, that I did. That I should be proud. That I am, of me, for doing that.

And if you're reading this and you're going to be reading the rest of the story -- I'll just say, Shino himself is going to tell you why his vivid pink robot arm needed to be demolished by a giant sword. There'll be another, eventually (they do have a cyberneticist on speed-dial), but for now, well. You'll see.