#hope this connects to anyone else

[queeresthellhound]

My mother always loved Jesus more than she loved me

And my mother hears me say I was drafted into a holy war I never wanted to be in

Expected to ostracize myself with joy because if the other children hated me it’s because they were Satanic

And sees nothing wrong with it except that I defected.

And she reads the essay I wrote in the third grade before I even knew where babies came from

Saying that if I were president abortion would be illegal everywhere

Because I had been groomed to be a Christian Nationalist ready to ruin lives for the lord

And thinks not that it is horrific a child of not even 12 would write that but rather how horrific it is I do not believe it anymore.

My mother always loved Jesus more than she loved me

And if she was called to do as Abraham, and if I was called to become her Isaac she would have done it

And on the long walk home she would have told me that it was god’s will and that he had a plan that’s bigger than all of us

And at one time I would have believed everything she said on the long journey home, nodding my head silently

Because if she loved Jesus more than me, he must know something that I don’t.

And when my very life was saved by EMTs and doctors and nurses and so many others

Who worked their asses off to make sure my mother’s only begotten son would not be lost

My mother thought of a different only begotten son, the son of John 3:16

And when I survived she praised him for saving her wayward, rebellious child who had hardened his heart to her precious Jesus

Instead of the sinful humans who did all of the work.

And when I had finally gotten up the courage to sit on her bed, bawling my eyes out, a river spring up from the spot I occupied

Telling her that her darling Jesus made a mistake, that I was a mistake,

She decided that god had not made a mistake but that my sinful existence was a part of his holy plan

And then days later shoved me back in the closet with the force of a summer thunderstorm

Because the mouthpieces of Jesus decided that I could not decide for myself what a life of joy looked like

And after all she always loved Jesus more than me.

And my mother still thinks that I will come back to the flock

Despite the fact that I have a crisis every time I step in a church

Despite the fact I see myself as chewed gum, licked cupcakes, dirty duct tape for being alive

Despite the fact that at lectures which remind me of sermons I feel trapped behind a window in my brain

Despite the fact that her church would vote me out of existence tomorrow if given the choice

Despite the fact that her church friend’s “love” for me is predicated on me coming back to their cult

Because my mother has always loved her abusive, manipulative, absentee, deadbeat son Jesus more than the son standing right in front of her

Because Jesus can be anyone and anything she needs him to be

And I can only ever be a goat standing in a flock of sheep, hoping no one ever looks close enough to notice the differences.

[lagtrain]

something something the use of brightly coloured umbrellas in the mygo op vs in ave mujica episode 3...

the umbrellas showing up as mygo is playing together and smiling, signifying how their togetherness is what keeps them going through the hardships they've endured.

the umbrellas showing up as mutsumi accepts mortis' offer of protection, the one she's holding turning into many floating through the sky. a necessary act of separation from the other members of ave mujica, but also an acceptance of mortis' existence and how she is needed for mustumi to keep going in the face of the trauma she's experienced/the stressful situations she is repeatedly being put into.

the umbrellas are an incredible way to display a sense (or lack thereof) of trust within the two bands, and the protection that comes with it. this symbolism seems too obvious to be purely coincidental, and i'm interested to see if it will continue throughout the remaining episodes of animuji...

[feline-evil]

Wrench looking at Literally Anything and Anyone: (Rage. Disgust. Trying to kill with his gaze alone.)

Wrench looking at Numbers:

(Well listen. Ok. This is Wrench we're talking about so still some rage and still some killing-gaze but. Softer....Soft....Reserved only for This One Guy. I know it's subtle, he's Mr Wrench. But look, see hims face.)

[miraclesprinkle]

No memories remain of anything before

Yes, I'm with you in a garden of carnage

In a mayhem of trickster and tricked!

[planet4546b]

i think one of my favorite things about citizen sleeper and the experience of playing that game is the realization that the characters who look like cute, cozy-game-type possible friends and love interests do not care about you and are using you for their own goals. and you can use them back to get the ending you want but i felt bitter and scared and alone while playing that game and the game shrugged right back at me and said yeah. you might be.

[chinacatmoonflower]

i love everyone so much but i do not know how to be a friend :(

[m1xieup]

honestly as a resident Will-enjoyer I find my mind plagued with questions after reading the story he’s actually based on- William Wilson (though I’ve heard he’s also inspired by Prufrock though I don’t know if that’s true [it would be cool if it was]). Now the ending of William Wilson is kinda up in the air as it’s highly symbolic, which means there’s a lot of ways it could be used for Will’s character, so I was thinking: is Will based on the narrator or the doppelgänger? How did he die? And thus this poll was born, I’m sorry for the very dramatic and overdrawn introduction to what is essentially just a poll, but I am nothing if not dramatic, so without further ado:

cw: minor mentions of suicide in the context of the original story

I created this poll mainly because I’m curious as to what the community thinks, if there’s anymore theories or official information I don’t have, I’d love to hear about it! Anyways have a great day y’all

[knightkaito1412]

Sometimes, Tumblr feels like a cave. I'll shout out, and my voice gets drowned into the silent darkness as it echoes against the walls. Yet there are times when someone answers my voice instead, and I get drawn to explore deeper into the cave to find them. It can be lonely at times when it's usually only my voice, but it's okay. I'll keep trying to call out and maybe light some torches along the way where, hopefully, I can reach those other voices and make friends with them.

[iguessitsjustme]

Hey, quick questions. What's worse? Violating a dumb clause of a contract that you signed (when the clause should not exist in the first place) in a way that is not harming anyone and filling the world with love in the process or....being a fucking narc?

or

[themoonunderstoodmydadjokes]

…

[akalegos]

remember guys. if its bad, we can just give it the s18 treatment!

[stoneheart-paramour]

just had a fucking realization. i named the primary location where the AU happens, "Telestrata". i was thinking to myself, "ok so it's 'tele' as in 'far', and 'strata' as in 'stratum', to represent the distant and vertical layout of the region".

and i just now. right this minute. remembered that Aventurine's full title is "Aventurine of Stratagems" and i don't know what i'm supposed to do with this. this is a genuine coincidence but it's also forcing me to think about the implications!! and i HATE thinking!!

[oddogoblino]

Everyone always seems more willing to talk and exist when I'm not around. The sleep deprivation makes me want to believe this means I'm a smothering presence rather than considering maybe everyone just finally had more free time. If the bad thoughts are right though, I guess I have no qualms against disappearing since youtube exists for entertainment.

[theramblingvoid]

Being unemployed and out of school in your early 20s is so weird. like I'm free I'm trapped time isn't real but neither is bedtime I'm making food from scratch I'm sweating over the price of groceries I'm entirely outside the rhythm of humanity while only now starting to see how it works. I'm living I'm dying I'm holding together my mental health with duct tape and one nice thing a person said to me 5 months ago I am running out of shredded cheese. yknow?

[tardis--dreams]

Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes

[blastburnt]

so seeing her again did not hurt in the way i expected but how am i meant to go back to living now. like where is my other half