#hope they don’t take it personally
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Sorry for ghosting u it’s just that my depression is getting the best of me these days🧍♀️
#hope they don’t take it personally#i hate it when i do this#it’s kicking my ass these days too#i kept telling them that I’m busy with my final exams (i lied)
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In case anyone who’s not on Twitter is wondering what it’s like now, I just got punched in the throat by four random consecutive discourse posts on my timeline as follows:
>bojack horseman is pathetic and anyone who likes “cartoons for adults” should have their harddrives checked for cp.
>anime is/isn’t carried by black culture, citing dandadan referencing a rihanna dance in its intro (it was a qrt exchange so both sides were present).
>angel dust is good sa victim representation and the person who made that video essay about them needs to be cyberbullied (or the inverse).
>this random stranger online made a post about how they’re bisexual and a trans ally but aren’t interested in trans people romantically or sexually, let’s make assumptions about their failure as a queer person and also dox them.
So that’s what you’re missing out on.
#personal#rant#if anyone tries to start any of the above discourses on this post I formally invite you to take it to Twitter instead where it belongs#I also hope people reading this are recognizing how inane and pointless these posts are and won’t go looking for them#to engage in the discourse. that’s what they want. they want you to be mad and keep the ragebait going#don’t fall for it. sit back and recognize what it is. you will never meet these people in real life
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Haha
#yanqing#honkai star rail#hsr yanqing#my immediate fixation on ice wielding child genius characters in every media I consume strikes again#idk I just think he’s neat!! and so is his gender#he’s definitely overdesigned but I do enjoy the general shape of his clothes#like wow… baggy outer layer AND baggy inner layer#how come you get to have two baggy layers#still don’t know that much about him even after reading his character stories on the wiki#so I’m hoping that his quest writes him well#I suppose there’s some degree of like interesting contrast in the fact that he’s very young on a ship full of people who live very long live#but I feel like regardless they really don’t give him much of a personality besides his hyperfixation on swords and the general naivety and#inexperience from youth yknow what I mean#I just think it would be cool to see like why he’s so ambitious! was he railroaded into being a knight because of his talents? did he try#to be accepted as a knight? what kinds of expectations is he facing and what expectations does he place on himself as a result#I really hope he isn’t just there to be a simpler minded child character for jingyuan to take care of
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How do you sleep at night? No one to hide behind Betrayed every alibi you had You had every chance to make amends instead you got drunk on bitterness And you still claim that you're innocent, it's sad
#daniel ricciardo#dr3#christian horner#for the blacklists#I recognize that christian horner in a gifset is NOT the kind of content people in ricnation are looking for rn#debated posting this but fuck it#me 🤝🏼 daniel: two bitches that love a depressing song lyric#it's about breaking free from a toxic relationship and the importance of prioritizing one's own needs#and that it can take a long time to recognize the dynamics at play in those relationships#and removing yourself from that situation can be just as hard and that just kind of epitomizes daniel with christian for me#in the return to rbr I think daniel trusted that CH would at the very least be straight forward and upfront with him#even if the end result wasn't what daniel wanted or hoped for#daniel could handle not getting the rbr seat#but something he couldn't handle was the truth that the one person he believed he could trust was gaslighting him and using him#and daniel had a light bulb moment - the point where you realize that sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away#and so he got out#also this is obviously my interpretation of a relationship that I have zero insider info on and maybe they are chill now#as always…thinking too deeply about people I don’t know in the tags#also i recognize that this song is actually about a tiktok hype house but whatever rbr are that immature so it fits#this is my first go with this type of editing in PS so if you have any tips on style and execution i'm all ears#Apparently i also owe CH an apology bc i was so sure he didn't shake daniel's hand pre-race in singapore but he actually did and i missed i#during the breakdown i was having anyway fuck him still
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And that’s a wrap for Comic Con 2024! Ha, it was a lot of fun, but I really enjoyed dressing up as Mondo today! I even had a couple people recognize him! And a few others just liked the hair, one of whom asked how long it took me to get my hair like that, which tells me that at least it looks natural enough for people to mistake it as my actual hair, ha.
Overall, Comic Con was cool! On Thursday, I attended a live podcast recording for Braving the Elements, which is an Avatar the Last Airbender podcast hosted by Janet Varney and Dante Bosco (the voices of Korra and Zuko, respectively), and I actually got a trivia question right and I should (hopefully…) get an email from them soon to get a prize for answering the question right. If not… oh well. At least I’ll be featured briefly on the podcast answering trivia correctly, even though I usually suck at trivia, ha.
The rest of the days were a bit more meh, but I still had fun. I won a Pokeball ornament from a Hallmark panel, since I knew how many Squirtles were in the Squirtle Squad, aha. Which leaves my trivia score 2 for 2 at the moment.😅 I also got a free shirt and scarf for the upcoming Yakuza live action show, which was neat. I’ve never played Yakuza, but my brother has, so I was able to give him the shirt at least.
Still, while Comic Con was fun, I’m definitely glad it’s over so I can go home and clean up from my frantic cosplay creating the last several weeks, oof.
Also! On the first day I dressed at Taka, but since I was by myself I only have the one photo my dad was able to quickly take of me before he had to drive off and a quick selfie I took in the car.
#danganronpa#mondo owada#kiyotaka ishimaru#GPOY#ishimondo#personal post#My angry face could do some work ha#I can do a mean death glare. But angry face? Not as much sadly#Oh well.#Oh! And I’m kinda proud of myself with the Taka costume#Not for anything I did on the costume but because I was able to lose enough weight to fit into the cosplay jacket I bought years ago!#It was too small when I bought it and while I got it refunded I didn’t actually return it#Since the company was trying to make me spend $40 to send it back?#And I was like… that pretty much takes up the majority of the cost of the outfit what.#So I never sent it back and still got the money for it#I always thought that MAYBE I would one day lose enough weight to fit it#But I didn’t have much hope of it#But! I have found a good medication that helps with my appetite and I am trying to exercise more#And now the jacket fits!#The pants of the cosplay still don’t but that’s fine#I have white pants ha#Oh also yes my hair did deflate as the day went on ha#I’ll fix it before the next con I decide to wear this costume to#Luckily I didn’t overheat that badly while wearing it#There was one moment where I got very dizzy but that happens every so often with me these days#The heat didn’t help but it didn’t fully cause it either
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you are literally faking all of your “problems” for attention. I have bpd, past severe subst abuse problems, suicidal treatment resistant depression, abuse history and I’m not on here all ditzy posting kittens and tits, in fact my shit on here is disgusting and scary. No one with severe problems has a lil flower blog, just lying and begging 4 money making us REAL troubled ppl look fake as u are
So because I post images of kittens and tits I don’t have the mental illnesses I’ve been diagnosed with? Where’s the logic like this is the most absurd stupid thing I’ve heard in a while and it’s actually incredibly harmful to think like this.
I think maybe you should not be on this website or the internet at all if this is how you’re going to act
I hope you feel better bc this is not how you treat people 🖤 and this entire take in general is very very dumb
Here’s screenshots of my ongoing health conditions :) I cropped out a couple bc I felt like it lol
I’m sorry that I don’t solely post depressing negative shit. I don’t see a reason to do that. My goal here is to lift people up not tear them down. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever
You need help babe. Badly
#you’re very very misguided and taking your own pain out on strangers who have done nothing wrong isn’t going to help#I WISH I was faking.#I’m trying to heal sis why would I consume and spread solely negative content?????#‘lil flower blog’ has me deaddd ☠️#it’s so hard to stomach what a nasty horrible bitch this person is#I hope you feel incredibly stupid#I have over 3x the mental problems you do but I don’t go around rubbing that shit in anyone’s face. weird ass#my doctors put my bpd diagnosis in as mood disorder so I can avoid the stigma that comes along with bpd in the medical system#it was really cool of them to do that
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nvm this is still on my brain. kim does not like to watch harry suffer… to say that kim takes satisfaction in harry’s pain is a huge misconstruing of his character.
the “getting thrashed like a schoolboy” line comes from a board game, lol. it’s a tease, not a cruelty. there’s never any line that implies that Kim enjoys seeing Harry taking actual morale damage.
he can be amused if you fail a check, but the check is always relatively inconsequential, and again, Harry isn’t taking damage in these.
Failing to pry the trash bin open:
Failing to shatter Ruby’s lorry window:
(also in both of these examples he only responds smugly if you choose for Harry to stubbornly dig in his heels. if Harry gets huffy, Kim teases. If Harry backs down right away Kim won’t rub it in, which feels significant to me! it reminds me of that recent post goin around about Kim meeting your energy!)
and here’s some reactions to failed checks where he does take damage.
Failing the jump to get your cloak:
Failing to break down Plaisance’s door:
he’s not laughing if Harry’s taking damage because he’s not a dick lol.
aaaaand here’s some other instances of morale/health damage and kim’s reactions.
alternate dialogue for failing the harbor jump:
after the call with precinct 41:
seeing bullet holes in the wall:
most significant examples to argue this point for me come when harry has done something to jeopardize the RCM’s image. which kim goes on and on about the importance of maintaining— and yet even here, he still extends worry and assurance.
telling Billie about her husband and handling it badly:
hardie authority check failure cock carousel:
aaaaand the car. this line is one of the most mask-off kim moments we get in the game in my opinion, honestly.
tying this back to the schoolboy line— that line doesn’t show up if you have a negative reputation with Kim. if you have <1 rep, it gets replaced with him calling it “about four hours of our lives that we'll never get back,” lol.
it’s affectionate ribbing!! twisting it into anything else is bizarre 2 me lmao!
anyways. kim is a foil to every other cop we meet in the game specifically because he doesn’t view harry as a punching bag or a lost cause. gottlieb does nothing but sling jabs and glib jokes about harry’s health. torson+mclaine and the others laugh at harry’s panic attack over the radio. in response to harry’s suicide-by-car attempt(!!!!) jean yells about RCM budget. all kim’s lines in response to harry’s check failures and health-damage are consistent, explicit textual contrast against the callousness of the rest of the RCM. twisting kim’s character here requires a bad faith interpretation of the whole game.
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#sometimes i think that fandom Hot Takes get posted just for the sake of contrasting with the majority interpretation of the media#which can be fun lol. i personally love being a pretentious contrarian when the shoe fits.#keyword when the shoe fits#sometimes it just comes off as#the thing where positive interpretations of the thing are somehow seen as lesser or naive#which i feel is so antithetical to DE’s core philosophy#it’s not naive to interpret a hopeful story as hopeful#it’s not naive to interpret a kind character as indeed kind#kindness has as much literary value as cruelty in storytelling#overcorrecting for the sake of overcorrecting in this case just feels very. meanspirited#i don’t want to come off as antagonizing because we are all just posting about a video game on tumblr dot com at the end of the day#it’s okay to Have Differing Opinions On Media#but like. there’s a reason the post Did Not Resonate lol#oh also if anyone has a link to the other post i referenced i’d love to link it in the post properly i just couldn’t find it </3#me talking
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i said this all in the tags of abigail’s post, but it was so long that i’m putting it in its own post
i completely understand where this breakup came from, and i am not upset with either of the characters involved in it. i appreciate the slight insight it gives into tommy’s lived experiences and his expectations, as well as the deep seated loneliness that he has alluded to in nearly every episode he has been in. the longing and the hope for connection and family and stability.
so yes, the breakup feels a bit self-sacrificial and self-destructive because he’s doing it now in an effort to protect his own heart. he thinks breaking things off now and dealing with that heartache now would be easier than waiting for it to ‘inevitably’ happen later when he is even more invested. and that makes sense!!! it does not come across, to me, as out of character at all. josh’s great speech even highlighted the scars that come along with queer people’s struggles (pre-glee) with themselves and with their relationships. there are so many experiences that could’ve left tommy scarred that would lead to this feeling that he cannot be buck’s last relationship. so this breakup, while it hurts, makes sense based on tommy’s reasonings, experiences, and conclusions he has come to.
but he also deserves for someone to prove him wrong.
my struggle with this breakup comes from the finality of the post-ep interviews. without the interviews, as a viewer who just saw the episode and is waiting for the next ones to come out without knowing any bts stuff or reading any articles, this would feel like a great path forward for buck to learn what he wants and to go for it — to fight for it.
buck discovering his bisexuality and being in a relationship with a man was never going to automatically solve all of buck’s issues with himself and with relationships, and specifically his place in relationships. but for the past 13 (?) episodes we have seen buck become more secure with himself and his space — the loft has had so many homey and cosy little decor changes, and it has been so interesting to see him feel more comfortable while making his place more comfortable. all of that makes the breakup feel sudden and unexpected, but that was the point. tommy surprised himself too, he even said so. they both felt comfortable and happy, but they also both have their own hangups. but also, they both actually want the same things. they both want love, stability, and mutual care, respect, and understanding. tommy thinks that buck will inevitably, accidentally, not maliciously, break his heart. and tommy does not think he can handle that, which i understand. buck has the opportunity to prove him wrong. but it seems (from interviews) that this is the last we will be seeing of tommy and their relationship.
now to take all of that, and have his next step be to just let this relationship go completely as he uses his old (self admitted) unhealthy coping strategies could be an interesting narrative arc to go down, but, for me, it would really only be worth it if he recognizes this old behavior coming back again, understanding where it’s coming from, and finds security in understanding what he wants. i want buck to feel happy, secure, safe, and loved. no matter who that is with — be it tommy, eddie, or some other person he happens to meet later. no matter who he is with, he is bisexual, and i will always be thankful that we have had this journey of self-discovery with him (which i hope we will continue to see ore development of — would also love if they would actually use the word ‘bisexual’ on the show). buck deserves to have growth and stability within himself and in his relationships, which is very clearly something he wants. he deserves to have that after eight seasons.
at the end of the day though, i will still feel upset for this end to tommy’s story, because he also deserves to feel happy, secure, safe, and loved. i hope he gets that one day. for now, that is what fan works are for.
#i simply think this breakup would be such a good springboard into a more solid foundation for buck and tommy if they made up and#and! had these open and honest conversations about their experiences and feelings and expectations#but if that is not where they go with it then i hope it is a satisfying arc anyway#also buddie give me solid best friend vibes. and that’s not a bad thing at all. but without chris there it feels very much akin to the#dynamic that hen and chimney have. which again is not a bad thing#i just don’t see them as a romantic pairing anymore#but!!! that can probably be changed for me if that is actually the route they end up taking. i just don’t personally think that’s where#they’re going at the moment. but i mean what do i know#bucktommy#tommy kinard#evan buckley#911
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As most of you know I try my best to be civil and kind. I’m too exhausted and the world sucks too much for me to go about making other people feel like shit, it’s not really something I see worthy of my or anyone’s time really. I try to keep things positive not only because it might brighten someone else’s day but for my own sake. I curate this space because I know a lot of you feel and experience the same things I do. Do not twist this into me being delusional. I am fully aware the internet can be an unkind place, but that doesn’t mean my blog, my space, has to follow that example.
Be kind, be patient, and be respectful, not that the majority of you haven’t already been doing so. Asks are open again. Anonymous will be turned on again when I feel comfortable.
Apologies to those who used anon because they were nervous/anxious. I completely understand where you’re coming from and this is nothing against you. Regardless I do hope you stick around, and maybe one day work up the courage to be open with me. Or continue to keep your distance, I completely understand that too.
#I feel like#as my following grows sometimes people forget I am indeed a real person#I see that happen a lot with a lot of creators#people end up feeling like they can be disrespectful and unkind just because they can’t see me#but I’m here#I don’t know how much more open I have to be for people to realize I am a person with feelings too#we all are#so maybe just#take a few breathes and relax#I may not say it often but this is a safe space#I’m not gonna bite you or anything#anyone who knows me personally knows just how patient I can be or how I can give kindness beyond what one may deserve#anyway I hope people have a good day/night#high chance I’m just passing out again after posting this because I haven’t been sleeping well again#eat your favorite thing/something yummy for me would you?#I miss sweets and milk
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Anyways XO Kitty love interests summarized
Dae
Min Ho
Yuri
#I finished it guys I have thoughts#pleasantly…. surprised I actually enjoyed it a lot?#like don’t get me wrong it was very cringe fail at times but in like an affectionate way in like an aw high school affectionate#bet y’all can’t tell by this post which my favorite LI was I bet y’all can’t guess take a guess#ranking wise Yuri>Min Ho>Dae#I am so sorry Dae is so aksjskw boringgg and like not even because he is a nice guy I love nice guys#he just didn’t have any personality whatsoever apart from chasing Kitty around and saying I can explain#they could have swelled more into him being a family guy but they just kinda didn’t and it was very meh overall#like min ho was an ass but kinda funny at times and had a whole character arc#yuri had a whole development too going full circle and growing as she faced different situations in the series#dae I feel like he started the same way he finished and I guess that makes sense for the plot showing Kitty needs something else but defo#makes him the weakest li. no criticism taken btw#SHUT ME UP ITS 4 AM AND I AM PSYCHOANALYSING A KIDS SHOW AKSJWKKW therapeutic#xo kitty#I hope this doesn’t offend anyone lol all /lh#dae#min ho#yuri
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pro tip if you want a positive fandom experience: do not follow confession blogs. you’re just asking for a bad time if you do that just don’t
#‘why is this fandom so toxic’ genuine suggestion stay away from the Bad Takes Factory#I hope whoever runs that blog doesn’t take this as a personal attack it’s just. man im sorry i just think confession blogs are a horrible#idea.#im tempted to block it just because I do actually use the For You tab in order to explore new blogs and posts I wouldn’t otherwise see#and confession blog posts just keep coming up and I have to zoom past them or else they’ll make me mad or exhausted half the time#I saw someone saying we don’t deserve a s2 because of how toxic we’ve become and im just like dude. you’re kind of doing that to yourself#most of the conflict being talked about is so ridiculously minuscule and taken out of proportion. like. most of us don’t actually argue#about that. most of us aren’t going around yelling about what’s problematic or not. or whatever. that’s a minority and you gotta learn to#either not engage or block and move on. then the world is magically a better place#sorry hope this isn’t a hot take. that’d be ironic#rambling
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Before people start getting mad at the ICJ for not ‘doing enough,’ from the day South Africa announced the case a) we’ve known that these proceedings will take time (that Palestinians do not have) to have tangible outcomes b) the ICJ does not have meaningful immediate power over Israel’s current activities, and c) Israeli officials have repeatedly affirmed that they would not comply with any orders for ceasefire if such orders had been called by entities with meaningful immediate power over their current activity.
However, I think the preliminary ruling in Gaza’s favor is still important. It’s acknowledgement. It’s bearing witness to Israel’s actions and saying ‘we are looking. we see you. this is wrong and should not happen.’ And no, that’s not enough to save lives today, it’s not a call for reparations and an end to the apartheid, but it is an important political precedent to set. I really feel that the tables are turning and things are changing; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we are approaching the precipice of a new paradigm. Take heart and have hope - Palestine will be free, and we will see justice and peace in our days.
#ra speaks#personal#international court of justice#icj#palestine#israel#take heart and have hope#if you doompost in the notes I’m blocking you. we don’t have time for despair. palestine doesn’t have time for your pity party.#in the wise words of a tumblr post: boot up bitch. we’ve got work to do.
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sorry but I do think doubling down here is a bad look. If you can provide a single way that using she/her pronouns could have reasonably lead to someone finding her blog then I’ll accept your reasoning. But outside of that, it is misgendering.
You yourself even say in your pinned that referring to you wrong is degendering and misgendering, why is this different? Would you be ok with someone referring to you totally wrong for ‘anonymity’ come on now.
This is your “different perspective” doubling down on misgendering a trans woman is bad! Even if one trans woman who obviously wants to agree with you says it’s fine actually
At this point, everyone else I talked to including multiple trans women and transfems all agree that vaguing is not the same thing as misgendering. To me, it’s standard etiquette to not use any information like that in vague posts. People have used “he” on me in vague posts specifically because they clearly thought me being a guy was relevant to their point, and I don’t think that’s appropriate when the person’s gender doesn’t matter for the point of the vague. Calling me a man or woman is misgendering, but calling me a person instead of a guy and otherwise using neutral language in a vague about me is not, and I would rather people do that than bring my gender into it if they think I have a bad take. I want to hear more perspectives on the matter because I genuinely do not want to harm other trans people. But it has nothing to do with her being a trans woman, this is just how vagues work to me and currently many more people agree than disagree with that perspective. I am sincerely sorry if she feels hurt by me vaguing her and not bringing up her gender, as if I knew that was her preference i would have done it; if I post anything else about her I will be certain to gender her. I hope not to though, she is not someone I want to interact with or talk about more.
#again I do want to hear more people’s takes on this. I just don’t think using gendered pronouns on someone in a vague is appropriate#many people have pronouns that are pretty identifying and I don’t want to just make exceptions when I feel like it I’d rather be consistent#currently I don’t think gendering everyone in vagues will reduce harm instead of adding to it.#but my moirail recommended adding a ‘pronouns changed for anonymity’ disclaimer and I’m gonna do that in the future so they at least know#if the person doesn’t use they/them and it’s just for anonymity versus those being their actual pronouns#trans#transgender#transmasc#transfem#trans woman#trans man#<hoping for more perspectives from other trans people#asks#mine#intracommunity issues tag
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one of my favorite things about getting older is that I’m just more sure and more confident in taking control in social situations and making other people feel at ease. I really love it!
#have always wanted to be good at it but it takes time#at least for me#my mom was describing one of her college friends to me the other day#and she goes ‘yeah she was kind of like you. personable and direct and kind.#‘and she was always going to deal with you (positive) instead of ignoring you’#honestly compliment of all time! because it does not come totally naturally to me#and there’s a lot that gets in my way—shyness anxiety a certain stiffness#but I love when i can feel it sort of giving way#anyway just rambling#also once again teaching has helped with this so much#because kids HAVE to be guided through a social situation. they don’t know what to do#and if I let them run it it’s always stupid#so just taking control asking the questions kind of —situating them so we can have a moment and then I can dismiss them#not that I do the same with adults lol. but works more often than you think#just having some direction and taking charge of a social interaction#I remember this comedian once saying he loved when someone took control in a social situation re: greetings/handshakes/hugs#like ‘oh thank goodness someone is figuring this out’ it’s so true and so funny skskdkdjd#I hope there is nothing peremptory about it! but I often find I’m so much ruder by doing nothing#than by being proactively kind and (hopefully) appropriate to the occasion#you know I’ve spoken on it before but my life really changed#when I made myself go back and say goodbye to my students after graduation my second year teaching#like. I literally ran away because I was so shy and it felt so awkward and no one was taking charge of how to do it#and the students wouldn’t (can’t) so it felt like they didn’t want to#and then I realized no—if someone is going to take the lead here it has to be me#and then I did! and there was in fact so much love waiting for me#people just don’t know how to show it#so you have to give them an opportunity#this is so many thoughts but I feel this sooooo much and I care about it so much
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U are so real for ur coswave takes so u have any coswave nsfw hcs to share??
Do I!
They have the sweetest most loving most gentlest sex ever, Soundwave is absolutely enamoured with that ufo and Cosmos wants Soundwave to be able to experience the gentler aspects of life
Soundwave will often spend what seems like hours worshiping Cosmos’ frame, he loves his curves and is near obsessed with the fact Cosmos has no harsh edges
In a way Cosmos is the more bold of the two, he’s the one to suggest more out there positions like the sideways quintesson or the matrix bearer and bring in toys, whereas Soundwave might occasionally ask to be spanked or something
They actually tend to go for tactile overloads rather than any full on interfacing. They’ll be cuddled together nuzzling their faces together just feeling along each others frames, they know every inch of each other but every time they both treat each other like it’s the first time
Cosmos does go out of his way to tease Soundwave sometimes, like taking advantage of his outlier and calling out for Soundwave when he knows Soundwave can’t leave what he’s doing and join him
Soundwave is actually a pretty big fan of watching Cosmos, be it from a chair in their bedroom or over one of his camera. Cosmos likes to surprise Soundwave when he’s working late by putting on a little show in front of one of the many cameras dotted around
I’ve already said they hold hands a lot but I’m choosing to elaborate, they could be doing anything and hands will be held. Soundwave getting spanked? Cosmos is holding the hand attached to the arm held behind Soundwaves back. Cosmos sitting in Soundwaves face? Soundwave has his hand pinned beneath the one holding Cosmos’ waist
Soundwave has a slight obsession with Cosmos’ chest and how round it is, he’d spend the rest of his life with his face buried in it if he could, unfortunately he can’t so he settles for shoving his face into it sometimes and being able to grind his valve against it until he overloads
In turn Cosmos adores Soundwaves thighs, he likes to sit on the floor with Soundwaves legs around his neck and rest his head on his stomach. Cosmos also like to stick his spike between Soundwaves thighs and have Soundwave just sit on Cosmos’ lap whilst he teases him
They’re very big into intimacy, often times they’ll cuddle with their armour off or gently caress each others sparks
#before anyone asks I came up with those position names on a whim I don’t know what they are#I hope these are alright#as you can see I’m a coswave enthusiast#it’s also my personal headcanon that cybertronians can take of some of their armour but it’s not often done#under there it’s protoform so it requires a very gentle touch#valveplug#/nsft#ask#soundwave#cosmos#coswave
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Sanctity
A Killer Sans story.
Every child dreamed of the Angel.
When Sans was young, he had imagined it as a skeleton, beaming with all the radiance of the stolen sun. Each evening, he kneeled beside his father and whispered the poetic words of prophecy, voice faltering at first, then growing steady as the tale of the Angel settled firmly into his skull. Later, he would kneel with his brother while his father vanished into the lab. Each night, he dreamed of the moment when the Angel would tear down the barrier, at last letting the bright and deadly sunshine in.
Everything could be attributed to the Angel. If a monster was successful, it was because they had a place in the prophecy, an important role which would contribute to their eventual freedom. If a monster fell down, it was because they had failed, somehow. They were not the Angel’s chosen and would never be free.
(Did Sans have a place in that prophecy? If he was chosen, then why was he so fragile? Why would it be so difficult for him to make it to that future? Sans had asked his father that one night, after their prayer. Nothing would ever break that silence.)
When Gaster’s final experiment went up in flames, Sans imagined it made a light brighter than the sun. He imagined its light was like the palm of the Angel, taking his father with it – or casting him, finally, into the infinite darkness of the earth. He spread his father’s ashes on the remnants of the lab and then, as an afterthought, on his younger brother’s scarf. He laughed at the funeral, quietly. He shook the chill hands of fear and doubt from his soul. He had faith.
(Some monsters whispered that the prophecy had been interpreted incorrectly. They whispered that the Angel would indeed free them – that their dust would one day mix with the river and thus find its way to the ocean. Sans ignored them as best he could.)
When Sans was young, he had imagined the Angel as a skeleton. But lounging at his post one day in early adulthood, he was surprised to see it take the guise of a child. He was even more surprised when no one else seemed to see it for what it truly was. It turned to him, looked him in the eyes. Then raised a single finger to its lips.
Sans followed the Angel. He watched it navigate through each encounter with kindness and grace. He watched it befriend his brother, the captain of the guard, the royal scientist, and even the king. He watched it destroy the barrier and finally baptize his people in the all-destroying light of the sun. He felt its eyes upon him, and in that moment knew the gaze of something truly unlike himself. Come and see, those eyes said. He saw the prophecy come true.
He stood with his brother in the light of the Angel, the light of the long-awaited sun. For a moment, he thought himself in heaven.
Then he woke in hell.
That first time, he didn’t even see the Angel arrive in Snowdin. His eyelights flickered slowly as he wandered the icy streets in a daze. The air was still, and thick with a scent he refused to recognize. They had escaped, hadn’t they? After years of prayer and service, monsterkind was finally free. His mouth curved around a quiet, desperate prayer. This had to be a dream…
Just outside of Snowdin, he found his brother’s scarf.
Funny, how these things worked. Sans’ first impulse was to find the Angel. Something had gone wrong, certainly – something had gone terribly, terribly wrong. But he had seen the Angel treat his brother with kindness. It would have protected him… right?
Perhaps he already knew…
“Sans.”
Sans spun around, gripping Papyrus’ scarf. The Angel stood behind him, eyes almost as wide as its smile. A silver knife glinted in its grip. His whispered prayer froze as his eyes went dark. He stood still.
“what happened?”
“Nothing much. And everything.” The Angel stepped forward. “Give that to me.”
“where’s papyrus?”
“Free.” The Angel took another step forward, and Sans felt a chill creep up his spine. “You remember being free, don’t you?”
“i…”
“Don’t you want to be free again?” This time, Sans didn’t have time to respond. Its knife had already slashed through his chest.
The second time, Sans woke in the early hours of the morning. He took a shortcut into the woods, stepping onto the abandoned path which led to the hidden door. Even so, he didn’t quite understand. Even so, he didn’t quite believe. Fear made a nest in his ribcage.
This time, the Angel killed him first, separating his head from his shoulders, and Sans woke up back at home.
If a monster fell down, it was because they had failed, somehow. Sans fell again and again. Each time he died, the Angel would say something different, something new. It spoke of the sun’s rays, the way they warmed at first then burned and bleached and ruined. It spoke of the sins of the surface, the suffering of the Underground. It spoke of an endless loop, from which they would never be free. “Better to end it now,” the Angel whispered, wiping blood from its blade as Sans crumpled to the ground.
The loop continued endlessly. Bit by bit, Sans stopped praying.
The loop continued endlessly. He began to fight back.
The loop continued endlessly. The angel’s words changed.
“Do you know the difference between an angel and a god?” the Angel asked once, after Sans dodged its blade. Sweat dripped down his skull, and the air seemed to frost his ribcage as he gasped for breath.
“sorry. i god no idea.” The knife whistled past his ear, and a hushed “angel’s sake” escaped his mouth before he growled and swallowed the word.
“I’ll give you a hint.” It attacked once more, and this time it didn’t miss. It walked over to his dissolving form and whispered to him. “An angel is a servant. A god serves no one.” It stepped back. He died.
This time, the Angel approached him with an altogether different kind of smile.
“But what is a god without an angel?”
Sans said no in every way he could imagine. Loop after loop, death after death. He joked and danced around the question. He sent another attack. At his lowest, he pretended he hadn’t heard.
“Angels live forever.”
“when everyone else is dead?”
“Angels are never alone.”
“i wouldn’t be alone if it wasn’t for you.”
“Angels are powerful. They are beautiful and loved.”
“heh, that’s kind of a loaded comment, isn’t it?”
“Angels know their purpose.”
“what would a lazybones like me want with a purpose?”
“Gods are tireless. I can keep going forever, and nothing will ever change.”
“…”
“You were made to serve me.”
The funny thing about prayer? Repetition makes it meaningless. There is performance to it, certainly. There is what prayer symbolizes, there is the essential power of routine. But once the words become instinctive, the meaning can’t help but diminish. After enough repetition, prayer becomes little more than muscle memory for the weary. And when the weary recite it, how then can they hope to see God?
Sans kneeled in the hallway, bones aching, magic all but spent. Somewhere before this moment lay the memory of the sun, the way he had rested in its blinding light. Even before that, the echoes of evenings spent in prayer with his father, torn carpet barely cushioning his bones. Those memories were lost now, or buried. So many deaths – had there truly been anything before this? Could there ever be anything after? Sans didn’t know. Eventually, he no longer cared.
“and if i said yes?”
It paused and stared at him. A chuckle started low in its throat, stopped just behind its teeth. Sans wished he could feel a twinge of anger or fear at the sound. He just felt tired.
“Just for one round. Just to try something new.”
“somehow i don’t believe you.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that makes a difference.” The god stepped forward, knife glinting in its hand. Sans closed his eyes, waiting for the final blow. Instead, he felt the warm handle slide into his skeletal grip. “Go forth, my angel. Do as your god commands.”
There was a momentary darkness. He woke at the foot of his bed, hands folded. Eyes dark.
When Sans was young, he had imagined the Angel as a skeletal figure. After maturing, he discarded that image as a figment of childhood’s vivid ego. For a moment in time, doesn’t every child worship a god that looks like them?
Sans was not a god. Through the snow, the water and the flame, he became the angel of death. The flash of his knife answered prayers, scattered dust in the river that it may one day reach the ocean. He remained by his god, always. He watched, as if outside himself, as his knife found the faithful and the faithless alike. He watched his brother die.
“That prayer, in his final moments – you know, before he forgave and spared you. Didn’t you teach him that?”
“…”
“Aw, don’t be like that. It’s hypocritical when you’re the one that killed him.”
“shut up.”
“Ooh.” The god smiled and leaned forward. “But it’s new, isn’t it? Isn’t it better?”
“no. no, it isn’t.”
“Hm.” The god nodded. “Do it again.”
The funny thing about prayer? Its meaning is only found through repetition. Sans scoured through the Underground again and again, knife faltering at first, then growing steady as the path of the Angel settled firmly into his skull. He made a sacrament of death, and his god glutted itself on the dust in his path. He became something truly unlike himself – did that now make him holy?
Holy enough, he decided, waking among flowers with his soul burning bright outside his body, a strange tarry fluid dripping from his eyes. Holy enough for this.
It seemed to know what he was planning. At least, it didn’t look surprised when he brandished his weapon. Nor did it fight back. It only spoke. “You know, you were nothing before me. And you will be nothing after.”
How easy, to kill a god. In the end, how stupidly simple. The Angel laughed as he killed his god with its own gleaming knife, and it laughed too, bright blood staining its teeth.
“i killed you.” The Angel giggled. “does that make me god now?” The god lay still. Its chest had stopped moving a long time ago. The Angel finished his prayer anyway. He had to be certain. “actually, nah, not sure i like that… hey, i’ll figure it out.” The Angel rose to his feet, staggered a bit, then bowed his head. “go to hell.”
What is an angel without a god? From then on, the Angel drifted from world to world. He recited prayer as he always did, utterly divorced from meaning. His knife brought whatever his victims chose, and he learned to see the afterlife in their dimming eyes – the reflection of paradise or punishment, a final acknowledgment of the waiting dark. He laughed in the moment before a creature crumpled to dust – something about it made his soul sting, sharply. It made him feel alive.
Sometimes the Angel would glance over his shoulder, searching for his god’s approval. When he caught himself doing this, his posture would stiffen suddenly, and he would cease his prayer. In those rare moments, a victim might escape. In that way, news spread through the multiverse of his arrival – though ‘Angel’ was not the word they used.
Even to the multiverse’s darkest corners, the Angel slowly became known, and this filled certain people with a cool excitement. Gods watched on and wondered where his allegiance might fall. But this Angel had little patience for deities.
“Aren’t you just fantastic!” The Angel paused, then straightened, turning through the snow of decimated universe to face a small, skeletal figure, dressed in a stained scarf and splattered with ink. “A Sans who no longer believes in anything, but still sees himself as the Angel! A Sans for whom death has become prayer, because prayer never led to anything but death. Odd, definitely – I’d guess your creator was feeling pretty ambitious when they made you…” The skeleton tilted their head. “I’m not sure they succeeded.”
“who are you?”
“Ink! God of Creation. You see, I helped make this universe, so… whoa there, let’s not be too hasty!’ The Angel had raised his knife and taken a smooth step forward.
“god, you say?”
“Hm. Maybe I shouldn’t have said – wow, you’re quick!” Ink swung a massive brush through the air and the Angel’s knife skittered across the brushstroke’s obsidian surface. “Look, sloppy or not I think you came from a place of real excitement and love! I’d like to –”
Ink never finished his sentence. Blinking, the Angel darted around the obsidian shield and raised his knife to stab this god in the chest. He managed to spill a vial of red paint, so much like blood that he smirked, believing for a moment that he had already won. Retribution was brutal and swift.
The Angel no longer felt fear. His god had cured him of that, through the endless resets. Still, Ink’s rapid-fire attacks quickly had him on the defensive, constantly dodging and side-stepping to avoid strike after inky dark strike from the god’s strange weapon. Each time he brandished his knife, he was ambushed by a new attack from a new direction, all coinciding on his form as he struggled to fight back, struggled to survive.
Was this the true power of a god? Something cold settled in the Angel’s soul, causing it to fizzle. He began to seriously consider retreat.
But to where?
The Angel tried to step into another world, but Ink was on him the moment his portal closed, taking advantage of the snow’s blinding afterimage to dig a painted blade into his back. It was dark here, and cold – far colder than Snowdin ever had been. Another blow, and the Angel’s soul shuddered again. This time, he felt fear.
Was this it? Was this where he died?
Another blow.
Perhaps this was right. Perhaps this was what he deserved…
Another blow and sparks flew from his soul, igniting terror and pain. This time the Angel screamed. This time, his mouth shaped a word he’d sworn to never say again.
“ANGEL!!!”
Ink lunged forward, but before his final blow could land something warm and strong gripped the Angel’s ankle and dragged him into the infinite darkness of the earth.
When the Angel woke, he imagined for a moment that he was dead. His sockets could not focus because there was nothing to focus on – the world seemed to have vanished into a brilliant white expanse. He lay there, soul burning, weeping black, emotionless tears. A minute? A year? If the figure hadn’t spoken, the Angel might have lain there forever.
“Greetings, little angel. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
The Angel leapt to his feet. Across from him stood a strange, dark figure. At first, he might have guessed that it was a skeleton – but a tarry black fluid not unlike the Angel’s tears covered every bit of the monster’s body, leaving only a single teal light to stare into his sockets. The Angel might not have recognized Ink’s power, but he could feel this monster’s strength – could feel it in the way the very air seemed to bristle against his presence. This was no mortal. This was beyond anything the Angel had seen.
“what have you heard?”
“In general? Ah, little one, that would require some time.” A fluid black tentacle slipped from the creature’s spine and wrapped around the Angel’s shoulders, immobilizing him. The Angel was still. “But you were asking what I had heard about you. So I will oblige. I have heard that you are a harbinger of death. Some have gone so far as to call you an angel, but I know better than that. After all, what is an angel without a god?”
“i already killed my god. i don’t need another.”
“I do not desire your worship. Besides, there is a title which suits me far better than god.”
“what do you want?”
“A fighter. Someone with little respect for the likes of Dream and Ink, who would aid me in destroying my enemies.”
“you want me to kill gods for you? i would do that anyway.”
“Well then, little god-killer. I have a place for you, if you’ll take it.”
“…and if i say no?”
“Then I shall leave you in the first universe that opens up beneath our feet. You will be free to cause whatever destruction you wish. But if you choose to follow me – oh, you will see and experience far greater things than you could ever imagine.”
“somehow i don’t believe you.”
“Very well. You may return to your dreary existence. But you are limited when you fight alone. You will be more powerful at my side.” The figure extended a tarry hand. “I am not like the other gods. I have no need for angels. But you aren’t exactly an angel anymore… are you?”
The god killer stared at the dark figure, stared at his extended, toxic hand. The dead grass beneath his knees felt like torn carpet. He remembered a different hand, a hollow palm. Prayer was simpler then. The words didn’t yet matter, not like his father’s cool hand on his skull, not like his brother’s chirping voice. The angel wasn’t present in that space. It was only them.
His soul flickered.
“no.” Killer rose to his feet, meeting those deadly teal eyelights. Viscous black fluid burned into his hand. “i’m not.”
The prophecy was fulfilled. The Angel was dead. And for the first time, a prayer was granted.
End credits music:
#this was just supposed to be a character concept#it’s 3010 words long#heavy religious themes#wow wow I have not written this much in ages#once I started I could not stop#I don’t know if this should be canon to my multiverse or not#eh what do y’all think?#I really hope at least one person reads this#I poured a lot into this one#writing ink is so fun because you can just add this little fourth wall breaker to criticize and encourage you#I’m calling this little guy God Killer!#I mean he’s still named Killer in universe but to differentiate between my take and canon#his soul is the target in stage 2#but in stage 3 it becomes the delta rune!#if this does well I might post more info on him#killer sans#utmv#utmv fanfic#utmv au#dreamtale nightmare#nightmare sans#ink sans#inktale#dreamtale
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