#honey i hate to break it to u but it will be a NIGHTMARE to clean

[lamellas]

did 2 whole chores today.... whew im fucking tired

[intertexts]

cat smiling smugly surrounded by knives.jpg :333

>closed casket funeral for the damascuses babey!! : ) + CHRIST. i hadn't even thought about it somehow but like-- yeah. yeah he WOULD be agony beam attacked!! he *just* triggered he has no clue how to control his power. he probably can't even see anything he's too short just like. legs and flashes of the fight through gaps in the crowd. but he could feel all of it. at least one hero probably kicked it in that fight. he felt that!! bro is 9 years old & knows how it feels to be gutted!!!! & also leading question maybe but u should. think abt the parallels btwn scenarios for first & second triggers for dakota at least. its been causing me so much damage & also i'm really satisfied with how well it fits into how they work in canon :]]]

>I KNOW. I KNOWW IM SO SORRY MRS SOL. I LOVE U MRS SOL. but there's like literally no way his whole thing Works if any of them are. still alive, really. u know she wouldn't let him do the shit he's been up to!!!!! + the identity issues literally baked into him yeaaayyaayya :]]]] (speaking of which. ohhh he still literally has to be osdd in this au. physically incapable of thinking abt vyncent virion sol not being a system in any universe. but also the nhw are so unutterably bad at mental health i dont think he even knows it) ive honestly been thinking about, like, how he. realizes what his power is?? because he doesn't know, when he triggers. it's only gonna make a little sense once he touches another cape. what r ur thoughts...?

>WILLIAM WISP-BELL SMALL TOWN HORROR WIN!!!! & I CAN TELL U EXACTLY WHY HE ONLY TRIGGERED WHEN THEY FOUND HIM <3333 for him the breaking point is not the town that hates you is trying to kill you and finally succeeding. for him the breaking point is not having nobody. for him that's all the buildup, but it is the horrifying shame of being found, being seen in the most vulnerable awful way by people who don't fucking get it or give much of a shit about him. there's some sympathy there, but it's not real. it's oh the weird emo kid finally tried to off himself :((( its oh no oh william honey are you okay??? what happened?? you know you can talk to me when did things get this bad?? and knowing-- they don't fucking get it!! they'll think you're crazy!! they'll put you away regardless of how fake or real sympathetic they are because there's no way they'll listen to or believe you and you need to get away, the overwhelming frustration and need to run away and lock your door and never be seen again or just *show* them, make them understand. etc etc etc :o)

anyway augh i think he does think about it!!!!!! i think he does get sleep paralysis about it!!!!! all of the new have mad nightmares regularly but they're all different flavors.....

@stuck-in-the-ghost-zone WOE. NHW TRIGGER EVENTS BE UPON YOU.

-dakota was young-- maybe a bit older than in canon-- & out in the city with his parents when they all got caught in the collateral of an attack by some member of the slaughterhouse 9 (my impulse is siberian or one of the other messy ones) & dakota got lost and separated from them. the emotional state associated with his trigger isn't really even the horror of finding what was left of them. it was before that-- the sudden terror and panic and desperation of losing them and searching for them and not being able to find them in the crowded, violent packed rush to get away. he was up close to the fight when the heroes got there because he wouldn't leave without his parents (he's like. nine years old!! of course he won't :( ), close enough to be sprayed with hot blood, & saw firsthand the wanton violence and gore of it all & was half terrified because of it & also because he just saw her gut someone like cutting through soft butter. and he can't find his parents. that bone deep terror of oh, i'm *alone* & knowing that something dreadful is happening and you're not there and you don't even know where it is or where to be but you feel it in your gut. there isn't a thing in the world he could do to find them or help anyone. that was it. & also the other big part of it is how fucking sudden and out of nowhere it was. one minute you're having an awesome afternoon n the next minute it's a waking nightmare.

--virion saw his father betray the rest of his team in cold blood. he grew up around capes-- his parents both headed the independent team the greats, & the rest of them were always around the house n helped raise virion his whole life. he had so many cool aunts and uncles who did awesome hero work with his parents!! think new wave if it wasn't a torment nexus. he was never allowed out with them, except on patrol sometimes, but he never really had a burning desire to be a cape? he enjoyed being on the other side of it-- they all taught him how to shoot and fight hand-to-hand and resist mind shit & all of the unpowered parahuman response type shit, everything they knew so he could take care of himself. it was good. eventually he started sneaking out to watch their fights & shit, see what they do and how they do it. as much as he didn't want to be a cape, he couldn't just sit and do nothing! the last fight he snuck out to watch was the final confrontation between them and the real, dangerous warlord embedded deep into their city-- the lich. he shouldn't have come. it was so dangerous. they'd have been so mad. he saw their big confrontation and all the bluster and everything. saw his dad shrug and apologize to their family and toss down his weapons. it was a trap, of course, and the first time virion ever wished he had powers, realized how fucking useless his pistol and taser and flares were useless in this situation. he watch, helpless, as they all were quickly and brutally and unceremoniously killed, so efficient that the lich must have studied them for a very long time. or had inside information. he triggered from the bubbling cocktail of visceral betrayal and horror and wanting, above all, to have the power to do something, anything to help his family-- wishing, for the first time, that he was like them, and being frozen powerless.

--william is a bit more complicated (partly bc i want to learn more about deadwood and double check that all my assumptions r correct) but he triggered from the isolation. living somewhere that hated him, where it felt like there were threats in every tree, every aisle of the ancient grocery store, always something awful and malevolent behind him. & the social isolation too, especially. being alone and mostly friendless and wanting to get out, not sure if the awful things he's seeing are real or not, if he's just irreparably fucked in the head or he's living in hell, or what. everyone thinking he's fucking crazy. that always being the only thing he's ever known. anyway. he fell. i still have ambiguous thoughts as to the intentionality of it, as in canon. he didn't die, here, though. just-- mostly died. landed fucked up, bone poking out where it shouldn't and stuff, couldn't move. lay there for hours, knowing that no one would come, knowing that deadwood was still fucking toying with him even as he lay numb and in excruciating pain and bleeding out. anyway he triggered when they found him. <3 & yes it is extremely important that it was when they found him, not before. do u get what i mean?

[idlerin]

NONSENSE

an oikawa tooru social media au

pairing. celebrity!oikawa tooru x f!reader

synopsis. you were oikawa tooru’s #1 fan, until you became his #1 hater. you hated him so much you went viral on twitter (accidentally) and literally became known as “the oikawa tooru hater”, doesn’t help that he keeps fueling the fire by subtweeting you. everyone is all in for this new drama. what isn’t known to the public, is that this particular drama’s been on hold for three years (him being your ex and all).

tags. social media au, celebrity smau, college au, exes to lovers, second chance romance, idiots in love, crack, humor (hopefully), fluff, and perhaps a little angst? ehe (groveling !!)

warnings. time stamps dont really matter unless i say so, cursing, some drinking alcohol n stuff and sometimes suggestive but nothing graphic

status. completed (01/15/23 - 02/11/24)

— playlist.

teasers

teaser 1 — teaser 1.5 — teaser 2

profiles

[name]’s pe(s)ts | in need of medical attention

episodes !

(⚘) — has narrative parts

ACT I

01. rid me of my despair

02. murder is ethically wrong

03. he’s literally everywhere

04. i’m NOT petty (⚘)

05. i think i’ve seen this film before

06. he’s back !

07. baby girl of all baby girls

08. the famous friend

09. forget me not

10. why are you running!? (⚘)

ACT II

11. blast from the past

12. i despise you (⚘)

13. villains are hot (⚘)

14. adulting and other important stuff (⚘)

15. what we look forward to

16. a nightmare dressed like a daydream

17. antithetical girlie

18. this is the tactic (⚘)

19. honey it hurts (⚘)

20. exes and ohs

21. takoyaki cravings

22. kill me with kindness

23. tell me, tell me (⚘)

24. do you think about me?

25. wish u were sober (⚘)

ACT III

26. you look like shit (⚘)

27. a taste of fame

28. reminds me of

29. helpless, breathless (⚘)

30. oh how you woo me

31. all over again

32. disconnected

33. this love is so illogical

34. don’t care if you ruin me (⚘)

35. hate clingy men

36. need you like oxygen (⚘)

37. media craze

38. hard to love (⚘)

39. coming home

40. only your love

EPILOGUE

41. new friends

42. love languages

43. utterly nonsensical

end

✦

bonus content

post break-up [name]

don’t you know that i’m intoxicated !

you said you liked the way i spoke

unsent letter #1

one of the boys

kuroo being a menace for 12 panels straight

kodzuken mayhem

taglist is CLOSED !

to be REMOVED from the taglist you can just send an ask or comment :)

notes. hey so i’m starting my first smau series?!!? *squeals and kicks feet in excitement* i hope i get to finish it lmao i plan to not make it that long prolly around only like 30 chaps! hope u’ll enjoy reading it as much as i’ll enjoy making it! also thank you everyone for 200 followers! i rlly appreciate it &lt;3

icons used as pfps are not mine but the content of this smau is. please do not repost this on any other platform. © idlerin 2023

[headkiss]

heyy can i request an angsty steve x reader where it's post s4 where Eddie's dead and max is in a coma and reader has survivor's guilt and end up breaking down infront of Steve and saying something like why is she still alive when so many who don't deserve to die have died? and steve is just losing his mind that she can think something like that when she is the only one keeping him sane through all of this.

i love your writing. thank you ♥️

hiii i hope this is somewhat what u asked for!! tw talks of death and survivors guilt | 1.1k angst and hurt/comfort

You couldn’t stop thinking about Max. About Eddie. About every single person who didn’t make it because you couldn’t stop it this time. You couldn’t save them.

Well, except Jason Carver. You hated him anyway.

It was the hardest thing to go through. Losing two of your friends and feeling helpless through it all. Feeling guilty for being alive when they’re not around. You know Max is technically alive, but she’s not awake. She’s not talking and making her sarcastic comments.

You haven’t been able to bring yourself to visit her and you hate yourself for it.

Even today, when Steve kissed you gently on the head before leaving and asked if you wanted to come along, you shook your head and sunk into the couch.

You think the only thing keeping you going is Steve.

Even if you haven’t told him exactly what’s been bothering you, what’s been haunting your mind, he’s there. He holds you at night and talks you down from nightmares, he kisses your forehead or cheek or nose every chance he gets. He knows that you need him, he needs you, too.

While Steve was at the hospital with Max, taking a shift so Lucas could go home and shower and change before going right back, you tried to distract yourself. You tried to watch TV but even that was crowded with the recent events. You tried to read your favorite book again but your eyes wouldn’t focus on the pages.

You ended up sitting against your headboard, knees tucked to your chest and tears streaming down your face.

It was inevitable, the breakdown. The dam finally collapsing.

The thoughts were inescapable. You made it. So many people didn’t. Why should you be alive?

Steve was worried about you. Of course he was. He worried about you all of the time but it was worse now, like you’d shut down completely. You didn’t talk as much, giving him single word answers and nods instead. He doesn’t even remember the last time you smiled.

It’s breaking his heart.

He knows this is hard, he knows. He just wishes you would let him hold your hand through it, that you’d tell him what’s wrong so he could lift some of that weight from you. It’s not like he can’t relate to you. He can never stop his voice from cracking when he talks to Max, blinking back tears.

He hadn’t known him long but he swears he can still hear Eddie’s boisterous laugh sometimes. He filled up so much space that his absence is too noticeable.

When Steve comes home, he thinks he can feel his heart crack right down the middle at the sound of your crying. The kind of sobs that make it hard to breathe. He kicks off his shoes, stumbling, and all but. sprints to your shared room.

“Honey,” his voice is a lifeline, it draws you back to reality at least a little bit. His face is split with worry and sadness and you hate that you being upset is making him upset.

“I’m- I’m sorry,” is all you can say.

Steve rushes to sit beside you, to pull you into his chest and wrap his arms around you. Your hands grip onto his shirt, your face tucked in his neck and tears wetting his collar but he doesn’t care. He just wants to be there for you, and this is the first time you’ve let him see you emotional since everything happened.

It’s a while before you calm down enough to talk to him. Minutes or hours, you aren’t sure. All you know is that Steve’s still there, one hand holding the back of your head and the other running up and down your back.

When you pull your head back to look at him, you notice a couple tears have escaped his eyes, too. You pull your sleeve over your palm and wipe them away.

“Talk to me,” he starts, voice quiet and soft, comforting. “I’m here.”

“It’s so unfair.”

“What do you mean, honey?” He understands, partially, but he wants to know every single thing running through your head. He wants to know so he can help. All he wants to do is help you.

“How come I get to be here, breathing on my own and practically in perfect health when other people are dead. Eddie’s gone and Max might not even wake up,” it’s like you can’t stop yourself from talking, now that you’ve started every thought is spilling from you. “It feels wrong to be alive.”

If Steve’s heart wasn’t broken before, it definitely is now. He can’t imagine a world without you in it and he hates that you feel guilty for living. He can’t think of anyone he wants around more than you.

“I just feel so bad. Like I should be in that hospital bed, not her. She’s so young and-”

“Hey,” he stops you, hands holding your face so that you look at him, his eyes look sad, but they’re filled with love, too. “Max is gonna be okay. And you’re alive for a reason, you hear me?”

“But-”

“No. Please listen to me, please,” his voice breaks and he has to clear his throat to keep going. “You’re here and I know it’s hard, I do, but you are and I’m not letting that go to waste. I know how lucky we are to be okay, mostly, and I thank a God I don’t even believe in every day that you’re alive.”

“Steve.” You think he’ll make you cry again if he keeps going.

“I’m not saying that the people that died deserved to, not at all. I’m saying that there's nothing we can do to change that. I’m saying we‘re lucky as fuck, you and me, and I’m gonna live every single day knowing that. I’m lucky as fuck to have you. Don’t you dare think you’re disposable because you’re not.”

You have no idea what to say to him, how to express what all of that meant to you. So, instead, you surge forward and kiss him properly.

It’s messy and salty from your tears, but it’s enough to tell him ‘thank you,’ to push everything you haven’t been able to say into his mouth.

When you pull away, only to look at him again, you think you’ll be okay. You know there will be times where you’ll cry like you did again, where the thoughts will find you. But, you’ve been reminded that Steve is gonna be there every step of the way.

That’s enough to force you to keep going, to push and push every day until that weight gets lighter.

“I love you, Steve. Don’t know why you always know what to say, but thank you.”

He hugs you again, tight. “I love you, honey.”

[familyvideostevie]

hi honey!! found ur master list for stevie tonight and read literally every single one and i am obsessed!! absolutely love your work so much. two questions. 1. could i be added to ur tag list? and 2. could u write a steve fic? one where u have nightmares and he comforts you?? thanks a million in advance <333

i threw in a nod to my own fic "i've got you" about comforting steve when he has nightmares hehe, enjoy! | 0.9k, fem!reader, fluff after a nightmare

The actual nightmare always has the same basic things: you're watching, sometimes from above and sometimes in your body, but it always happens right in front of you like you're meant to see it. Like it's your fault. You've seen it happen hundreds of times, each just as horrific as the last, and every time he takes his last breath with your name on his lips. Every time, Steve dies.

You've told him as much, though you can never choke out exactly what you see. That part mostly fades if you let it. But that doesn't stop you waking with the feeling that there's a hole in your chest, the sensation that something vital is missing and you'll never be able to get it back. When Steve isn't with you, you have to call him though you hate to bother him. It makes you feel needy, but he tells you to do it. Begs you to call him rather than stare at the ceiling all night and spiral. He always answers, sleepy but ready to talk to you for however long you want or even come over at a moment's notice.

But tonight is a lucky night -- well, not lucky. Ideally you'd stop having these horrible nightmares, but at least tonight he's here. It's easier when he's next to you.

You wake like you've trained yourself to: quietly and without much fuss. You used to scream a lot. But now you're used to how you can just open your eyes and you're out of the worst thing you've ever seen and back to reality. There's a cold sheen of sweat on your brow and tear tracks on your cheeks. You take a few deep breaths, fisting your hands in the sheets as you calm down. The images are already fading but the ache pulses in your chest like a jagged wound. You turn to look at Steve.

He breathes softly in the dark, face smushes against the pillow and angled towards you and you try to match his inhales. He looks younger this way, untroubled and soft. You know his back betrays the violence he's seen, scars that'll never fade on the outside, nevermind the ones on the inside. But his face is boyish and ever so pretty. You could look at him forever. He scrunches his nose as if he can feel your staring and your mouth turns up at one end. It is impossible to look at him and feel anything other than love.

"You okay?" he says, startling you. His eyes blink open slowly, squinting to see you in the dark even though you're so close.

"Nightmare," you whisper. Your throat is dry. "Sorry baby. Didn't mean to wake you."

"Y'didn't," he says. "No sorrys." He yawns in your face and doesn't look at all bothered about it when you tut at him.

"Same one?" he asks. You nod. "Baby," he frowns. His voice is thick with sleep but it curls around the word and holds it like something precious, like something loved. "C'mere." You scoot into him, his arm circling your back as he turns you both with a little grunt so you're fully on his chest. Your legs tangle, one thigh bracketed with his as he buries a hand in your hair. You press your ear to his bare chest, seeking out his heartbeat until you find it. Steady, solid, there. Steve.

"Still breathing fast, sweetheart," he says. "Match me." He takes an exaggerated inhale that makes your body rise before exhaling slowly. You work to calm down until you're in sync.

"Easier when you're here," you tell him. "Can tell myself right away that it wasn't real. That you're not --" your voice breaks. Steve gently shushes you.

"M'okay," he says sleepily. "Do you want to talk for a bit? 'Bout something else?" When Steve has nightmares he likes to hear your voice, likes you to tell him about things that make you happy. Sometimes you want the same, need to hear his rasp in your ear until you fall asleep. But tonight you're content to hold him.

"Nah," you reply. "This is enough."

"How 'bout a kiss? I could use one," he says. "Real lonely up here." You part from his heartbeat to look up at him. He's smiling down at you lazily, eyes clouded with the late hour. It's an impossible angle to look good from but Steve manages. You shift up so you're nose to nose and you take an extra second to just look at him, hovering in the dark.

"There you are," he says. "Pretty." You press a kiss to the corner of his mouth and he whines. One hand comes up to your face to guide your lips to his properly. It's sloppy, sleepy, and perfect. He kisses you once, twice, three times before releasing you, thumb trailing over your bottom lip to your cheekbone.

"Think you can sleep again, bub?" he asks before yawning again, making you yawn too.

"Let's try." You tuck your face into his neck and rest a hand back on his heart. "I love you, Steve."

"M'here," he says, hand stroking up and down your back. "Love you, too. Not going anywhere."

tags: @cheerupbarry @srrybutno @97soroka @sunlitide @gloryofroses19 @carpediem1219 @themarvelousbee @sunshinehollandd @katsukis1wife @imherefortea @spideyboipete

want to be added to my tag list? send me a message and specify for steve, eddie, or both! reblog, send feedback, requests open, masterlist here!

[ilaikyuu]

2. "I'll protect you, I promise" with Gojo

here u go sweetie:

🥀Yandere! Gojo Satoru x reader🥀

Warnings: blood, slight mentions of violence,

 gaslighting, manipulation

You were feeling cold, not only in the outside but in the inside as well. The night breeze was blowing into your bare skin making you shiver in agony. The air was going through every single one of your cuts, making it almost impossible to not quiver.  You didn't want to admit defeat, but even the smallest, simplest move was too painful, it was too much. Screaming and crying wasn't going to help either - no one was there to hear your blubbering except for him…and no, no you didn’t want to struggle anymore, you were almost done for. You couldn't endure more of this. 

There were loud, slow paced steps coming towards you, you were still on the garage floor, whimpering from the aching bruises located almost everywhere on your body.

 Just as he expected you were there waiting for him, what a good girlfriend you are.

The man crouched over your body, biting deeply into his soft lip. There was something he was holding onto, but your couldn't see what it was. His hand was coming closer to your body, moving just an inch under your ear to caress the upper part of your neck. You wanted to fight, you wanted to spit on him, but your body just….wasn't moving. You didn't have the strength anymore, your body gave up, you were giving up.

“ Gojo…p-p-pleaA..AHH '', the wound on your leg starting to bleed again making you cry in pain. Your body was trembling, at this point even breathing was hard. It was too much to bear, you couldn't do this anymore.

“Why did…did you d-do this to..to me”, a steady stream of tears started falling on the ground, you were stuttering, your voice was breaking, your heart was broken. It’s over. 

He gently moved his hand from your neck, trying to wipe the big crocodile tears from your puffy eyes. You were ugly crying. You were crying so ugly, even his face scrunched a bit from the pleadings that came from your mouth. He put on you the thing you saw him hold onto earlier, covering almost your whole body besides your head.

 It was a blanket . The cotton blanket you gifted him. You hated it, you didn't want this.

“Honey, please”, his voice almost as gentle as ever, concern giving the gentle note an even more angel-like appearance to the ears. 

“Stop doing this to yourself, to us.” 

His hand was once again stroking your left cheek, wiping every tear that was coming from your eye.

“It's dangerous outside…I…I don't know at this point…”

He shifted his head looking outside the garage at the big hill located at the left side of the house. He really loved playing there as a kid, but he did fall off a few times. It was dirty and steep, he never came back feeling good after falling there. 

His gaze was once again shifted on your messy face.

“At this point you are a danger to yourself, don’t misunderstand me…’’

The angles of his mouth curved.

“....I told you not to go there, I told you about all the times I fell down there. Look what you did to yourself.”

You moved your head a bit so you could look directly into his oh so beautiful vibrant blue eyes.

“Fell…down….a hill?” you felt so heavy. His hands were on you, not even a second passing and he was holding you in him.

“I didn’t….no I…”, the light touches you felt on your body felt soothing. You were just like a little kid getting comforted from his mother after hurting itself. 

“But of course you did, don’t you remember? You did hit your head really hard when you fell...”

His hands were softly touching your back, his head coming closer to you, a pair of lips whispering into your ear making you shiver once again:

“It’s okay now. You don't have to worry about anything, I’ll protect you, I promise.”

That’s right. You probably fell down. This was all a really bad nightmare. And it was okay, he was going to protect you from all the monsters that wanted to hurt you, even you.

[arteacactus]

Can we get a sick fic Janus hiding in his room until someone else breaks down the door? Cause he thought no one would care

this is so out of nowhere bc i like never get fic requests here anymore it’s like always on my sideblog hissceit ,, but it’s 10000% welcome and appreciated JDFJFD thank u .. also i apologize for how needlessly wordy this is HAHA i strayed from the prompt like .. a lot

warnings for sickness , the coughs , vomiting, sore throat , etc , the whole shebang-- and some cursing��

-----

It’s not that Janus had never been sick before, it’s just that...

Well, he’d never been sick before.

He wasn’t positive why (which irked him; he hated being in the dark about things, especially things concerning himself), but he had some theories- the most plausible one thus far simply being that while Thomas had always viewed the Light Sides as human, to some extent, he saw Janus as a two-faced snake; a monster kept hidden away in the shadows under his bed. And monsters didn’t get touched by things like disease. So while the others got touched with sickness occasionally, Janus never did.

But if Janus was getting sick now..

That implied that after he told them his name, Thomas started seeing him as somewhat human, too, with vulnerabilities like the rest.

He wasn’t sure just how he felt about that, but he didn’t love it (he liked being untouchable, okay?).

Ah, well, Janus supposed the why didn’t matter much at the moment. He could ponder that after the fact.

Right now was the time to think about how to end it, because it was pure torture.

He was too hot and too cold all at once, his head throbbed and his body ached in places he never knew could ache, his eyes were sore and oozing and his nose wasn’t faring much better. His throat was raw as if he’d spent hours and hours screaming at nothing, and even after trudging his way into the Dark Side’s kitchen for a cup of tea (though it was more like a cup of honey and lemon with a hint of green tea), it felt absolutely no better; in fact, he just felt worse, because he had to leave bed, go downstairs, spend twenty minutes standing around to make the tea, and then go back up the stairs to his room again.

He’d been fidgeting with his blankets for the past three hours; having them on made him too hot, having them off made him too cold, and so he settled for having one leg covered and nothing else (oddly enough, this was actually a good compromise). The air in his room was hot and stuffy which certainly didn’t help- nor did it help his sinuses any, as it made his headache pound worse and his airways were thoroughly blocked off. He dreaded drinking or swallowing anything as it sent the most uncomfortably painful sensation down his throat and rendered him to a groaning, pained mess.

He clutched his pillow weakly, pressing his head into the hot surface. He hated this. Usually, he thrived in the heat, as his room was typically colder than a jail cell, but this time he wanted it gone. He wished it was winter, just so he could full-body launch himself into a mound of snow and sleep for eternity. 

He felt a slight tug, the distinct feeling of someone requesting his presence, and promptly shooed it away. Not only was he just wearing pants, but he was sick, and he’d rather die than show that level of weakness to anybody.

Three days before, when he’d first felt his symptoms come on, he’d briefly considered going to someone for help; perhaps Remus, because he was his best friend, or Logan, because surely he’d know how to handle diseases and how to cure them, or maybe even Patton, because he was a father figure and might have even made him soup- but he had quickly banished the thought. Sure, maybe they knew his name now, but they still really didn’t like him and had absolutely no reason to help him and not laugh at his predicament.

Well. Remus liked him well enough, but he would have just taken his morning star and bashed Janus across the head with it and called it good, so Janus had to pass on that.

Another tug came, a little more forcefully this time, and Janus dismissed it, just as forcefully. For a little precaution, he took a deep breath and waved his hand, locking up his room so no one could rise up/appear in it, nor could they come through his door. The strain it put on him to maintain that lock was almost enough to make him pass out, but he didn’t dare remove it; he couldn’t risk anybody seeing him in this state. 

He forced his body to roll over to the side, pressing his face into his pillow and sighing in relief as his nose unplugged just enough to take a deep breath in. He found himself actually wishing he’d sneeze, just for the temporary relief it brought. 

He pointedly ignored the next few tugs that hit him, though they weren’t as forceful and harsh as the past couple were. He could only assume the only reason they actually wanted him up there was to lecture him, because him being incapacitated like this surely was affecting Thomas in some way that they didn’t like.

Well, sucks to be them, Janus thought in mild frustration, I’m staying right here until this all goes away and I don’t want to die anymore.

Eventually, the incessant tugging slowed to a stop, and then they finally left him alone.

Letting out a relieved sigh, Janus curled his body into a tight ball, cringing at the sticky feeling of his sweaty skin against his silk sheets, and tried to fall asleep.

Thankfully, sleep claimed him easily, and he drifted off.

However easily it came, though, it certainly wasn’t very forgiving. 

He didn't wake up randomly, but he kept getting thrown so many vivid nightmares and odd, fever-induced dreams that he almost wished he was waking up every few minutes, if only to get away from whatever things his mind kept throwing at him.

He wasn’t awake, but he was aware of his own constant tossing and turning, his bed creaking in protest every time he thrashed and threw his body around the mattress, and when he finally did open his eyes (his throbbing head wasn’t very appreciative of it), he realized he’d somehow twisted himself so his head was at the foot of his bead and his blankets had been fully tossed onto the floor. His pillows weren’t faring much better; only two of his usual six remained in place, and they were mangled to death, the rest on the floor with his blankets.

Janus truly couldn’t bring himself to give a damn- instead, he weakly pushed his body upright, trying not to topple over as his head swam, and fell right back down in the proper position. Thankfully, though, his head not touching the pillows in a while meant they were delightfully chilled, and he moaned aloud at the lovely sensation it brought him. Absently he wondered if he should gather the strength to get himself an ice pack or run an ice bath, but thought better of it. After all, he was still part snake; he’d rather not throw himself into a self-induced comatose state from the cold. 

He blindly reached out and grabbed ahold of his bedside clock, a little antique thing he designed himself to fit his aesthetic despite being very poor at reading Roman numerals, and squinted as he tried to decipher how long he’d been asleep for.

He nearly dropped the thing upon realizing he’d slept for eleven straight hours.

He slid it back onto his nightstand and groaned loudly, though it quickly turned into a pained, chest-wracking cough. He couldn’t avoid it; he had to get up and eat something, or drink something, or get literally anything in his body, because whether he liked it or not, that was the only way he was going to get over this thing quicker. 

He managed to move just enough to get up and off the bed (nevermind the fact he nearly fell straight on the floor the second he stood), and took a couple shaky steps towards the door. The moment he reached out to turn the knob, though, the knocking started.

He froze, looking like a deer caught in headlights as he stared wide-eyed at the piece of wood in front of him, the only thing separating him from them.

There was a call of ‘Janus?’ that was so soft, Janus didn’t actually know who it came from; but that didn’t matter now, because the doorknob was turning and fuck, when did he let go of his lock?

Janus snapped his fingers, and managed to summon all but his hat when the door opened and revealed- much to his surprise- Virgil.

Janus and Virgil blinked at each other for a moment, dumbfounded, but thankfully, Virgil didn’t seem to see anything off about him, and just lowered his gaze and shrunk into his hoodie, refusing to meet Janus’ eyes.

“We- uh, they were trying to call you earlier today, you know.” Virgil’s voice was low and gruff, and Janus could honestly say this was the best possible Side to come see him. Remus was loud and shrill, Patton was too cheery and Roman was boisterous- Logan probably wouldn’t have been awful, but with his insistence to look everyone in the eye as he spoke to them, Janus was sure he’d have deciphered what was going on in a second.

“I’m aware,” Janus replied, internally cringing at his rough tone. He cleared his throat, which was screaming in protest at speaking. 

Virgil didn't seem to notice- or if he did, he didn’t care. “Well. You made them worry, and they sent me to come collect you.”

“Worr- Collect?” Janus echoed in confusion, taken off guard by everything Virgil said.

“Yeah, uh, you worried them so now they won’t take no for an answer. You’re gonna have to come with me.” Virgil, at least, seemed a little sheepish saying this, but he also has a particularly determined and frustrated look to him. Clearly, he wasn’t happy being the one picked to come ‘collect’ Janus, and he wasn’t going to take no from him as an answer, either.

“Wh-” Janus was cut off as Virgil gripped his arm, and any protests he could have made died on his tongue as they started moving. Dizziness attacked him with such ferocity that he was honestly astounded that he hadn’t immediately fallen over, and his stomach lurched at the speed they were moving. Of course, he didn’t bring this up, just took a deep breath and pushed through. After all, Virgil was the last person he wanted to know about his current state.

Once Virgil brought them across the line that separated the Dark Sides from the Light Sides, the immediate bright artificial light from the lamps and ceiling lights making his head pound in a way that was even worse than what the red light of the heat lamps in the snake terrariums in his room caused. 

The air here, though, was clear and fresh, and he basked in the coolness of it as it surrounded him. If it wasn’t for the lights, he’d almost be tempted ask to stay for a while.

Once they made it to the living room, Virgil released him from his grasp, and slunk over into his own corner in the stairwell- and Janus found himself standing right next to Logan.

Unfortunately, they were all staring at him.

Time to put your acting skills to work, Janus, he thought to himself as he heaved an internal sigh, and plastered a toothy grin on his face that bared his sharp canines just enough to make them flinch away.

“So. I was summoned?” His throat protested speech, but thankfully his voice came out smooth and silky, not one bit of it hinting towards his predicament.

“Yeah, and you never answered..?” Thomas seemed more concerned than anything, but Janus definitely saw some suspicion on Roman’s expression (he couldn’t blame him, after how his name reveal went), and Patton was more fidgety than usual. Logan, bless him, didn’t seem to be acting any different, and Virgil looked just as bored as he usually was.

Remus, however...

Well, Remus was looking at Janus with a suspicious gaze similar to Roman’s but far more scrutinizing. Janus briefly felt a flare of panic. If there was anyone here to notice he was off, it would be his best friend, who he lived with and saw every day.

“I was resting, Thomas, would you blame your personification of self-preservation for taking a day off for self-care?” Janus’ tone was exasperated. He wasn’t lying, not really; he was resting, and he was taking a day off for self-care.

Just.. more than one day.

“Respectfully, I have to.. what is the term, ‘call bullshit’?” Came Logan’s voice next to him, and he hoped to God that Logan didn’t notice Janus’ feverish tremors. “You’ve been MIA for the past few days, and it’s escalated to the point where Thomas is beginning to react to it. There is something else going on, and we’d like to know what’s going on.”

Ah, yes, for the good of Thomas, Janus couldn’t help but think a little bitterly, Really, I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like they’d worry about my wellbeing. “I’m afraid I wasn’t bullshitting you, Logan,” Janus replied coolly, “It was the truth.”

“Then how come your room looked trashier than Remus’?” Virgil’s voice, where earlier it was comfortingly gruff, was now an offputting growl. Despite his words, though, Janus could tell he was trying to act like he didn’t actually care. He took note of that, because Virgil caring about him was odd.

“Rearranging,” Janus replied simply, and hoped they took that alone as an acceptable answer.

Of course, they didn’t.

“You never rearrange,” Virgil’s tone turned accusatory, and then Patton cut in. 

“Well, maybe then that’s why he’s doing it now? For something fresh?” He sounded hopeful, as if he couldn’t wait for this entire conversation to be over. Janus felt similarly.

“I’ve lived with him, Patton, I know him, and it’s not something that happens.” Virgil argued, but this seemed to set off Remus as he cut in with, “And you left, so who are you to claim you ‘know him’?”

This sparked an argument amongst themselves, as they fought over the sudden new topic that thankfully centered around Virgil more than anything, and with Logan, Roman, and Thomas trying to mediate, there was no attention put on him anymore.

Janus took this momentary distraction to let out a sigh of relief, the mix of loud voices and trying to act like nothing was up was doing absolutely no good for his headache and exhaustion. He mourned the loss of his hat, because he could have used that to hide his face away from the lights that were bearing down on him and making his skin feel uncomfortably hot.

Though perhaps that was from all the layers of his outfit.

Unfortunately, though, as the seconds passed, the voices seemed to get louder, the lights got brighter, the clothes got hotter and his stomach was churning, his hands were sweating, his head was pounding his legs were getting shaky oh god his ears were ringing oh fuck fuck stop the noise please turn off the lights please stop please stop-

Distantly, he felt his throat start hurting intensely and he realized he was speaking out loud, stammering out pleads that were growing muffled as everything swamped him. His hands raised to cover his ears, trying to drown out the noise around him, and his legs gave out beneath him. He collapsed, feeling something warm and wet trickle down his face- tears? Was he crying? No, surely he was just imagining the feeling- but before he hit the hard floor, he felt something grab a hold of him, long, spider-like fingers gripping the undersides of his arms like a lifeline. He felt sharp nails and soft ruffles and realized Remus had caught him, he must have run from his spot to catch him before he fell, and Janus felt the stinging gaze of everybody on him. He felt like a mouse that was dropped into a snake’s cage for feeding, cowering beneath the penetrating gaze of the predator before him. The roles were reversed, and he hated it.

He managed to pry open his own eyes- when had he shut them?- and the moment he saw the horrified gazes trained on him, he fled.

He forced himself from Remus’ arms and he vanished, retreating back to his room, where the lights were off and the curtains were shut and the only thing he had to deal with was the light of his snakes’ heat lamps.

The hot, stuffy air attacked him with a vengeance, though, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care. He stripped himself of his clothes again, his skin glistening, heat radiating off of his person. 

He hurriedly locked up his room again, and fell to his knees beside his bed, and retched.

Thankfully, he’d managed to grab his trashcan, but it didn’t make him feel any less humiliated.

He thought he was doing himself a favor, hiding his state from all of them, but from not going to just one of them when he could, he had ended up breaking down in front of all of them. 

Body trembling and chest heaving, Janus collapsed onto the hard floor beneath him, unable to pull himself onto his bed, and curled up into a tight ball.

He wanted this to end.

Janus was so caught up in his misery that he didn’t even notice pounding on his door, all of his senses wrapped up in himself, in his throbbing head and hot skin and burning throat and sore stomach and the sound of his blood pumping in his ears, until there was a deafening ‘crash’ and splinters of wood came flying into his room.

He flinched at the noise and forced himself to sit up, but the sudden movement made him gag, and he found himself panting like a dog trying to cool himself off and calm down his raging nausea. 

There was a barrage of voices at first, but they were quickly hushed- from what, he didn’t know- and then a delightfully cold hand clutched his bicep, and he couldn’t hold back the relieved moan he let out in response.

“I’m gonna put you in bed, okay, Janus?” Came a soft voice- Remus- and Janus didn’t protest as he was gently lifted up by the Creative twin. Admittedly, he didn’t even know Remus could be that gentle, but he was grateful for it nonetheless.

There was some quiet shuffling and the sound of a dull ‘smack’ and then someone cursing softly, but soon enough Janus was set down on a set of smooth cotton sheets, clean and cool, and an absolute blessing.

“Jan-Jan, why didn’t you tell us you were sick?” Remus’ tone was scolding, like a parent to a young child (ironic, considering Janus was the one who raised Remus), and Janus opened his eyes just enough to see Remus’ face swathed in the shadows of his room. 

“Weak,” Janus croaked in reply, his voice wrecked, “Di’n.. wan’ see.”

“Your pride is going to be the death of you,” Remus sighed, and Janus heard some other voices pipe in.

“We would have helped you, Janus,” Thomas sounded sad, almost regretful. For what, Janus would never know.

“Indeed,” Logan’s voice was a comfort, Janus was willing to admit. “In fact, I will begin researching how to best care for this as soon as possible, so you are in utmost comfort while you recover.”

“I’ll make some soup,” Came Patton’s quiet promise, “And water, and tea.”

“I changed your bedsheets,” Roman seemed shy, “If you need me to, I can try and make a set that keeps you cooled down.”

Janus almost moaned aloud at the thought, and Roman must have seen it in his expression because he perked up right away. 

“Sorry for, uh, dragging you away so forcefully,” Virgil muttered, and Janus just managed to flap his hand dismissively. 

“You didn’ know.” He mumbled weakly, and he felt Remus’ cool touch brush away hair that clung to his sweaty forehead. 

“And now we do. So we’re going to take care of you, because we care about you.” He promised in a tone with no room for argument, with the others murmuring in agreement behind him.

And for once, Janus believed him, and let himself be taken care of.

[urlocalnctstan]

hihihi<3 can u do one for Renjun+angst and 'My Everything' as the song✨

Song : My Everything - NCT U

Genre : Angst mentions of toxic parents, mentions of underworld/mafia, mentions of a minor character death

wc : 1.6 K

December 28th, 2017

Renjun stood exactly 40 steps away from your shivering figure that sat on a red swing, the temperature of the night dropping as it got deeper. While he watched you waiting alone with a heavy heart, unbeknownst to his presence you rubbed your palms against one another to produce some friction as an attempt to allow you the bliss of warmth momentarily. You puff out a string of smog in annoyance, re-checking if your boyfriend actually agreed meeting up tonight.

you : tonight. 9 pm at the park. sharp or ill kill u

RJ: 9 pm it is.

You jumped in surprise at the sound of your own sneeze, quickly bringing out some tissues from the pocket of your jacket before your allergy worsens. It was already 10 pm, and you started you wonder if he would actually ever show up. You fix your woolen beanie, the one you have matching with Renjun, anxiously tapping your feet against the blanket of green beneath you. You squint your eyes, sensing the devious arrival of your migraine. What a great night it is indeed! You thought. 

Renjun took two steps towards you, hesitation holding back his legs from approaching any further; I should tell you, he thought. He did not want to drop a bomb on you out of the blue when you hear the news of his sudden disappearance. He wanted to come out clean, if not to all at least to you. You of everyone deserve an explanation. But fate had other plans for you both that day. Annoyed red, you harshly kick the swing you were previously seating on, swinging your bag on your back before speeding off back to your house. Renjun sighed, but he wasn’t sure if it was out of relief or because you were making too hard for him to say the truth.

“What do you mean?” You felt your heart drop at his words, a solemn expression sitting on his face. It held no regrets, no emotions; and you pondered if he was the same guy that you had been dating for the past 11 months. “Babe, what are you sa-”

“You heard me right, Y/N.” Renjun rubbed the temples of his forehead, an exasperated huff leaving his mouth. “Don’t wait for me. I’ll be leaving in three days. So its best we break up.” He was not even bothering to look you in the eyes, did all these months mean nothing to him at all?

You were too numb to answer him back, feeling as if a lightning directly ascended upon your existence. You stood in your position motionless, not even realizing how he had already disappeared from you line of sight. You wanted to cry and scream at him, but it was if your body was retaliating against you; unable to form any sort of sound. That night, you cried to your heart’s content; a very worried Jaemin comforting you throughout the whole night despite having his Valedictorian Speech rehearsal scheduled the next day. Without a word, he listened to your muffled cries and screams, sometimes letting out coos of ‘it’ll be okay’ or ‘i’m here for you’. For the first time in all your years of being friends with him you had actually listened to his words when he said, “Cry out, cry to your heart’s content tonight, but remember to never cry again for that dipshit after tonight.” Jaemin took your slowly calming sobs as an agreement to his prior wording, a deep sigh escaping his lips as he listened to another set of muffled sobs reverberating from his earphones.

December 28th, 2027

“Oh my God!” A very merry Sooyoung, you best friend who was also your colleague at the law firm you worked at chirped gleefully as you twirled around gracefully with your wedding dress. Yes, it was your wedding day. You blushed like every other bride as you glanced at your reflection on the mirror, slightly taken aback by this very different version of yourself. You looked ethereal, like those scenes in movies where a soft light from the windows falls upon the main lead with white curtains dancing in the back? Yeah, you felt similar to that. 

Giggling at your weird imaginations, you turn over to meet a teary Sooyoung, sniffing with the napkin clutched in her hands. You would hate to cry at this moment, it had barely been twenty minutes since you arrived in the waiting room. But most importantly, you would really despise the idea of getting your makeup ruined, not really adamant on spending another stash of dollars for a simple bridal makeover. However, your sobbing best friend was making it really hard for you. Your sweet moment was cut off by an urgent spree of knocks, the person standing on the other side being extremely impatient to even bother waiting for someone to twist the door knob open. 

The door opened to reveal a very unexpected person standing with a bouquet of fresh white orchids and white roses; your favorites. You had a shit eating grin on your face as he stepped inside the room, elegancy dripping with every movement he made. His dark brown hair was gelled back, making his already sharp features stand out even more. The jet black tuxedo was perfect on him, making his look like a walking prince. 

“Renjun,” you call out, barely above a whisper; his name feeling a bit foreign on tongue. “You’re here.”

“I am.” Renjun no longer held that poker face you had despised so much ever since your breakup, joyous grin adorning his face at the sight of you. You look so beautiful, so so beautiful, he thought grinning to himself. Renjun felt his heart squeeze against his ribs, half because of how ethereally beautiful you looked and half because how he wished that it was him you had dolled up for. With light steps he leans forward to your sitting figure, wearing a smile that looked more of a painful one as he placed you the bouquet of flowers he chose for you.

“I am really surprised how you still remembered.” Unlike him, you remained more composed; unfazed by the reunion with your past lover. Your fingertips caressed the white delicate petals that were slightly wet, admiring how beautiful the bunch looked. “Thank you so much, Renjun.” You say to the man, sincerity dripping with every syllables you let out. He was currently sat crouched on the ground, careful not to step on the white laces of your expensive wedding gown.

“Tsk, tsk. Don’t say thank you yet. I still have something else stored for you too.”

“Please give a big round of applause for the most beautiful bride!” Haechan exclaimed, his hands clapping as he motions Jisung to ask the caterers to position the light towards you. Audience stared in awe, you looked like a dream with the white lace dress, your veil trailing behind as the tiara glistened in the soft light. You were glowing.

“On the road that shines exceptionally,” a sweet honey-like voice catches you off guard, momentarily making you halt in your pace as you search for its owner. Renjun stood on the stage just beside the alter, your cousin Mark strumming his guitar while another one of your friends Chenle produced sweet melody on the pianoforte to muse with the vocals. You couldn’tt help but beam at the sight.

“Standing there, I am waiting for you” Just turn around, make me conquer my cowardice. Hold on to me instead of the cold metal chains of the red swing. Will you wait for me if I ask you? Will you wait until I return for you?

“What do you mean?”

Please don’t go yet Y/N, ask me to stay back. Just ask me once and I’ll do it.

“Babe, what are you sa-”

“You heard me right, Y/N.” Please this is not what I want, please see how much I am struggling to let go off you. Just when Renjun was just about to blurt out all his emtoions, his eyes widened at the sight of his father, gawking over him from the top of the stairs right behind you.

“It's not cold When you are in my arms, I can feel the warmth.”

Renjun remained silent, too scared to say something that might end up really fatal for him; for you. “That girl is a distraction for you.” Renjun’s father glowered at the younger, his grip tightening on the loaded pistol residing in his hand. “Cut her off, or I’ll do the favor for you.”

Renjun did what he thought was best. If your safety meant the sacrifice of his love, he would gladly comply so. It wasn’t long that the illegal empire built by his father collasped after his sudden demise; Renjun escaping his worst nightmare at the night of funeral. It was somewhat easy for him to start a new life since he was never exposed to the strings of underworld, fleeing back to China without any trace. He was able to have a fresh start with his desired career : a musician. 

Seeing you smile brightly as the luminescence shining from above created a halo around you, he felt as if he were witnessing an angel that had directly ascended from Heaven. Heavy heart filled with pain, a fresh pool of tears start to form at the corners of his eyes; how he wished it was him standing at the other side of the alter instead of Na Jaemin. 

“You're my everything I want to protect your days and nights You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it Spreading all over me, a gift called you You’re my night and day Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again.”

this was long I hope i was able to meet a teeny tiny bit of your expectations love  @bluejaem

[whumpasaurus101]

I wanna write more training pieces so here's my attempt at it and also making a new oc I simp for. great :D..... but also I'm calling out Tabea (@happy-whumper) damn right I'm pinging u xD bc Tabea also simps for her so uhh, yeah. XD

CW: overworked/over-trained / cursing /

“Right, left, duck. Right, left, du-.... well that wasn't a very good duck.” “Well, it was an attempt, since you called the duck late, about a second before you fucking hit me!” “Well, in a match you won't have any warning, so, get better.”

Asher rolled his eyes, “Whatever, this is stupid, you're a shit trainer.” “Watch your mouth,” Antonio warned. “Fuck off.”

Antonio quickly ripped off the training pads and punched Asher right across the face. Asher only stumbled back, making Antonio growl and tackle him to the ground. He landed punch after punch at Asher, watching as blood poured out from his nose. It still wasn't enough to get his anger out. “Hey, hey! Anto, lay off! Doesn't he have a match in a few days?!” Another trainer yelled as she looked up from her phone. “He does, and I have to make sure he doesn't lose,” Antonio growled. “Well, how does beating the mutt up help?”

Antonio took several breaths to calm himself down and punched Asher one last time before getting off of him, “I don't like when you're right, Sandra.” Sandra grinned and stood up, “That's what I'm here for!” She strolled over and knelt down beside Asher, cupping his cheek and turning his face towards her, “What's such a pretty mutt doing in a place like here?”

Asher just clenched his jaw, eyes studying her full sleeve tattoos on both arms, her left hand was more full and had tattoos crawling around her wrists and on her fingers. Antonio scoffed, “Don't let his looks fool you, he’s a fucking animal. Should be caged and locked up if you ask me, and stubborn as fuck. He's a nightmare to train, I've never had such a difficult dog to train.”

Asher chuckled, “You're welcome.” Sandra laughed, “Oh these are my favourite!!!” She smiled, excited. “Say, how about you take a break and I can train him myself, hm?” Antonio practically jumped at the suggestion, “Yes! Of course! Go ahead! Please!”

“Alright alright, calm the fuck down, I know you’ll miss me, babycakes,” Asker smirked with a wink. Antonio went to leap at Antonio but Sandra quickly held him back, “Woah woah there mister tough guy, break, now.”

Once Antonio left -slamming the door behind him of course- Sandra silently studied Asher for a moment and smiled, “You are pretty!” Asher scoffed, “Uhm… you already said that.” Sandra looked taken back for a moment, “Well, I'm sorry mister ‘you can't repeat shit’ police.” Asher's eyebrows furrowed, “That was a long description.” “Dude, are you seriously going to insult every sentence I say?” “No….. not unless you say something that an insult is necessary to.”

Sandra looked at him for a moment before clapping her hands, “Right! This is not an English class. Let's actually do the fighting bit.” Asher yawned before slowly getting up, wiping the blood from his upper lip but only for more blood to fall. “Come onnnnnnn, Mr Slowcoach, we don't have all day.”

“Oh, how rude of me, I should be all ‘yippeeeeee!! Wooohooo!!! I just love being treated as anything but human!!!’ Oh dear, how terrible of me, however could you forgive me I-” He was quickly backhanded across the face. “Okay listen, I'm not like Antonio. I know Anto is tough but gives up quick. But honey, I'm not like that,” She cooed, cupping Asher’s face and smearing the blood from his nose with her thumb.

Asher growled. He knew who Sandra reminded him of. That absolute psycho bitch, Alicia. He bared his teeth and Sandra laughed, “Awwww, do we have a tough wittle puppy,” Sandra spoke in a fake baby voice, “Oh look how scary! However, will I train such a scary puppy?!... Oh wait.”

She quickly kneed him in the stomach and kicked him backwards, “Look, I know you're going to try and be smart, give some comments and talk back, but I've dealt with worse than you. So there's no point. Now, get up off your ass and start practising your punches at that fucking punching bag before I rip all of your fingernails off.” As the sentence went on, Sandra grew louder, making Asher flinch.

He growled once more but slowly stood up and walked to the punching bag. He slowly raised his fist and threw a weak punch before turning back with a bored expression on his face, “My shoulder hurts,” He grumbled. Sandra sighed, stormed over and dug her fingernails in the back of his neck and he let out a cry, “Listen to me, you better throw the biggest punch at that bag before I show you how strong my punch is.”

Asher rolled his eyes, “What time is it?”

“Why?”

“What time is it?” “Why?” “Will you just fucking answer my question!?” “You answer mine first!”

Asher felt a sudden explosion in his chest and his breathing grew heavy. He quickly turned around and threw a punch at Sandra. Before the fist could connect with her face, Sandra quickly grabbed his wrist, spun him around and twisted his arm behind his back and twisted at an uncomfortable angle. Asher let out a cry. He couldn't dislocate his shoulder again.

“STOP!! I- I- I have a match! You're going to- fuck! PLEASE!!! STOP!” Just as tears began to fall, Sandra let go, “Not so full of shit now, are ya?” She grinned. Asher collapsed to the ground, gripping his shoulder, crying, “F-fuck you,” He whined.

“Now! Back to the punching bag, c’mon, you couldn't be physically any slower.” Asher couldn't force himself up. He was so tired and sore. And just all together sick of this place. He wanted to go home, he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Asher channelled his anger and put all he could in his punches, they were pretty hard. He even surprised himself with how strong he was punching. He let out a yell and threw combos of punches, he was angry. He hated this place. He hated it here. He hated her. He hated everyone. Everyone who made his life a living misery.

He couldn't stop now. He couldn't slow his attacks to the bag. “Alright, you can stop, I just wanted to see how strong you could punch.” Asher didn't listen, in fact, his punches almost sped up. Sweat started dripping down his fringe of curls, slowly rolling down his face.

“Asher.” Shut up! He thought to himself You wanted me to do this and now you want me to stop. JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT U-”

“Asher!”

The voice cut into his brain. It was Antonio. A sudden wave of nausea hit Asher and he collapsed to the ground. He overdid it. He was overworked. He was exhausted. He was hurting. He wanted to go home.

… home? No. no, he didn't call Rodger’s house ‘home’. He’d never do that!!! No! He just needed everything to stop spinning. Everything to not be so loud and bright. And that's when a wave of darkness hit him and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as he lay on the training room’s mat, hearing the very distant yelling of someone shouting at him to get up. And then. Then there was quietness. Silence. Peace.

---

Taglist:

@likeit-or-whumpit @milk-carton-whump @yesthisiswhump @as-a-matter-of-whump @appy-polly-loggies @happy-whumper @myst-in-the-mirror @tears-and-lilies @heathenwhump

[fbfh]

domestic cozy moments with leo - an anthology

i should really be asleep

aged up to 18+ obvs,,,, rlly wishing this was real rn lmao,,, also it’s fluff if u couldn’t tell 

1600 words

You set down your last box, hearing a thump in the next room as he sets his. You will your legs to carry you into the next room where he’s waiting, standing, looking at you. The glaring over head light still somehow makes him look good, and you can tell, by this point, that he’s thinking something similar about you. He pulls you closer with one strong comforting gesture, and you both flop unceremoniously down onto the bare mattress on the floor. You tuck the crook of your elbow over your face to block out the harsh light, and gently rub your face into the material of his shirt; a dark flannel over a deep red hoodie, some quote splashed across the chest. The arm wrapped around you bent, his hand brushing the hair at the top of your forehead. 

“We did it,” he breathed.

“Yeah,” you replied, “now we just gotta unpack everything.”

“And organize.”

“And decorate,” you add. There’s a beat of silence.

“God, this is gonna be a nightmare, isn’t it…” he laughs, head resting on top of yours. A slow, tired chuckle rocks your body. 

“Yeah, probably…”

You’ve both been up since about 4am, and have only just finished moving into your apartment. It’s around one or two in the morning. You’re beyond exhausted, the thrill of the move and shitty, delerious humor keeping you running for the last few hours. 

“Y’know what,” he moves, kicking off his shoes, “I say we just crash for the night. Deal with the rest of it in the morning.” He’s already mumbling, his voice groggy - groggier than before - and you can tell he’s losing orbit. Against your wishes, you make yourself sit up. You kneel over to a box a few feet away, and rip the tape off. You pull out a duvet, and shuffle back over to him. 

“Yeah,” you say, already slipping out of your sneakers and throwing some of the blanket over him, “sounds good.” You curl back into him, into a slightly more comfortable position, and start to settle down. 

“Shit,” he hisses, “the light.” You realize the light’s still on and groan.

“Oh god… we’re really that dumb,” you can feel the sleep deprived laughter taking over.

“Wait, wait,” he giggles, the infectious laugh spreading. He leans over, fumbling for the mop next to the broom and vacuum, and holds the flat head, the pole in between his fingers. You feel him shift, and pry your eyes open. He’s almost got it. You make some encouraging ‘oh, ooooh!’s as he lines up the loop at the top with the light switch on the wall and darkness engulfs you. He lays back down in a heap, setting the mop on the floor next to him. 

“Nice!” you press a kiss below his ear, the closest place you could reach, and he mutters sleepily, “Thank you, thank you, I’ll be signing autographs in half an hour,” laughter seeping into his words like a teabag in hot water as he pulls his hood up. Your limbs are already tingly with sleep. He mutters something you can’t make out, and you’re pretty sure you tried to ask what, but you don’t remember anything after that. You don’t know who fell asleep first, but you both slept really well that night. 

~

Your piping was migraine worthy. 

That’s what Leo had said after about a minute under your bathroom sink. 

You had noticed the water pressure in the sink got really weak after a day or two. Your apartment was pretty old, so it wasn’t surprising. 

“Should we call the superintendent?” you asked through a mouth of ramen. A smile hit his eyes, and you finished the thought he hadn’t said.

“To let him know,” you shoved his chest playfully, “I know you can fix it, that wasn’t a question.” It backed off, and instead he said, “You can try, but I’m pretty sure he’s one of those three-to-five-business-days types.” 

“Well, at least he’ll know what’s going on.” He still had that look. “I’ll tell him not to call a plumber. My boyfriend’s an engineer and can more than handle it.” He seemed satisfied, and grabbed his tools. 

“I’m just saying, I think I know a thing or two about this stuff…” You pulled the still ringing phone from your face. “Duh, you’re the-” the phone stopped ringing. Voicemail. You rolled your eyes as the beep sounded, and left a brief message explaining who you were and the situation. After you finished talking, you hung up. 

“God, I hate talking on the phone,” you mutter. You turn the corner to the bathroom doorway. 

“How’s it looking?” you lean on the door frame, and suppress a chuckle at the sight of your boyfriend laying on a skateboard under the bathroom sink. 

“This makes… no sense…” he muttered. “I mean, who- why would you put a dual check there?” You smiled, loving when he talked about his hyperfixations, even if it barely made sense to you. You decided to check back in a bit, and went to transfer some laundry. 

It had been a while. You had checked on Leo two or three times, and he was still doing something under there. He had come out once or twice to get some parts or piping from his supplies, then went straight back to work. If only you had a dollar for every time you heard him sigh, “there’s gotta be a better way to do this…” It’s been two hours and he needs a break. 

You walk back into the bathroom, step over him, and sit down, your hips right on top of his.

He stops.

He pushes you both out from under the sink, skateboard rolling slowly, his eyes locked with yours.

“Hello,”

“Hi,”

~

You just wanted to take out the trash, that was all. But when you entered the back alley and saw a little kitty cat looking so scared by the dumpster, you couldn’t stop your instincts. You set the trash down slowly, scooped up the cat, and marched back inside. You set her - or him? You weren’t sure yet. You set them in the bathroom, made a little nest of towels close to the radiator, and left, closing the door behind you. You came back in with a small storage bin with cat litter - which Leo luckily had on hand for absorbing oil spills in his garage - paper bowls with some tuna and water, and a small ball of yarn from a long since abandoned craft project. The kitty ate all the tuna in record time, and looked at you, asking for more. 

“Wait for that to digest, then you can have seconds.” you said, softly. You gave them a little head pat, and they skittered away, unused to affection. It made your heart a little sad. But it’s okay, you reminded yourself, kitty’s gonna get lots of love from now on. You adjust your seat on the edge of the tub, trying to stop your butt from going numb. You pick the cat up to put them in their makeshift bed, and check under their tummy. Yup, girl kitty. She lets out a high pitched meow, and you can tell she’s still pretty young. You pet her back, and she arches up, her tail curling. She moves away from your hand, still not used to it yet, but a loud purr resonates through her chest and off the walls. You hold back a delighted squeal as she curls up into a ball. Oh jeez, do you have any blankets? You could cover her with a towel, but do you have anything softer? You leave to check, closing the door securely behind you. You dig through the linen closet for a few minutes before you hear the door open and close. 

“Honey, I’m home,” Leo quipped, putting his jacket on the coat rack. You picked up a small fleece decorative blanket you had no use for until now. 

“Hey,” he turned the corner, and placed his hand on your face, and your free hand rested on his. He pressed a warm kiss to your lips, and pulled away even though he didn’t want to. “Hey, Sparky,” you replied, a smile only he could give you blooming on your face. 

He started to tell you you two could catch up in a minute, he just has to wash the stubborn leftover machine oil off his hands, but you stopped him before he could.

“I have a surprise.” You said.

“Okay,” he replied, smiling, “what is it?”

You bit your lip, and quickly pulled him into the bathroom, closing the door quickly behind you. 

“Woah, babe,” he smirked, “if you wanted-” his voice cut off when he saw you kneeling next to a small kitty. 

“Her name is garbage, cause that’s where I found her!” you giggled, quoting the episode of The Office you two had watched just last night. 

“Aww,” he cooed, and began to wash his hands hastily so he could pet her, “she’s adorable!” his voice was soft, and higher than normal, and it was the cutest thing you’d ever heard. He dried off his hands, and bent down to give her a cuddle. You stayed like that for a while, watching her play with string and baby talking her. 

“By the way, Estrella,” he said, breaking his baby voice to look up at you, “we’re not actually naming her garbage, right?”

“No!” you laughed, “She’s too cute, that’d be mean…” 

He giggled at your face, and you two batted names back and forth for a while, trying to find the right one, and eventually settling on Jackhammer, maybe Jack for short.  “She’s definitely as loud as one,” Leo mused when he’d first heard her purr.

She purred a lot more after that.

[felassanis]

Huge spoilers

Arasaka ending had me like: Goro looks hot in white and I am literally bouncing off the walls that he is here, everyone fucking hates me, dont look at me like that Misty, hell fucking yeah V and Goro fucking shit up like the old days, no dont send Goro away I dont feel safe Goro are we about to kiss rn? That robe is VERY DISTRACTING, when is River breaking me out, why can I hear Johnny, GORO SENPAI, V honey....I have put you through waaay too fucking much and I am so sorry you had to go through that, Goro please for the love of God HUG ME, surrender to Arasak? Hmmm, starting to think this might be the bad ending now Goro are we about to kiss? Why arent we kissing? THIRD PERSON WHAT IS THIS!?, so you're really gonna go and play that song as if I'm not bleeding from my heart already FUCK U.

Nomad ending had me like: I'm am literally crying fuck u to hell and back Smasher, i swear if Goro turns up and we have to fight him I'm going to break my Xbox more than the fucking graphics do, Panam I dont know what I would do without you, why is leaving NC so heartbreaking when it's such a cesspool, River goddammit my heart is leading me to YOU why the FUCK did we have to part ways like that!!!!. Catch me sadly looking into the sunset legit crying as he drives away, Oh you're telling me to go to hell Goro? Well that's it I'm fucking gonna cease to exist because that HURTS LIKE A BITCH, still upset Goro hates me, the stars are pretty at least, Why wasnt Panam bisexual when this ending is so god damn romantic, Goro please dont be mad...

Cant wait to see what nightmare awaits in Johnny's ending

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Thirteen: Feel)

←Chapter Twelve

The two of them stood next to the Garrison Captain’s feet, one on each side. The other was being held up by his neck, struggling to break free. Once I opened the door to the café, he was thrown in, face hitting the wooden floor. 

“You offered to take the brats a while ago, well here they fucking are. This one caused a huge fight and spilled over all our grain stores for the week.” He pointed at Eren on the ground, both of them glaring at each other. Eren’s gaze made me shiver much more than the wind coming in did. It was the middle of a snow storm and I had no idea how mad Eren made the Captain who was willing to pull them through the wind and the flurries. However, I didn’t question it, seeing how cold the blue-eyed boy was. His nose and cheeks were red and I could hear his teeth chattering. The only thing protecting the girl was a red scarf. 

“Yes, I’ll take them.” He then proceeded to shove the others into the café and turn back around, pulling the hood of his thick jacket up. I quickly closed the door, frowning as the snow flurried in, and turned to the three of them. The girl was at Eren’s side, helping him up while the blonde boy was talking to him about how much trouble they’d gotten in. I just looked down at them, trying to hide the pity in my face. The grandfather the boy had, was he one of them? I sighed and took one step towards them so they looked up at me. 

“Do you three want anything to drink? Tea? Hot chocolate? Go sit by the fire and take your shoes and socks off before your feet get too wet.” They seemed to be taken aback by my accepting tone. It probably seemed a lot more empty though than when I’d given the bread to the blonde boy, but for the past month, I had no energy to give emotion to society anymore. Every time I tried, it would end in a fury where I had to defend the Scouts. I was tired. That’s why I closed the shop this week, not thinking anyone would come knocking at my door in such a harsh winter. 

I looked out at the window again, thinking about how cold they all must be. I was so selfish too, thinking about Levi’s wellbeing in the snow storm. He had a winter coat, but did the Wall Maria refugees all have one? They left on such a nice, warm day in late January, everyone was so surprised that the weather had turned out this way. Maybe it was a sign that what the Scouts were doing was blessed by some higher power. Sometimes we have warm winters, and other times we get no snow at all. We thought this winter was going to be the latter and how wrong we were. A month later, when we were almost to spring, the blizzards hit. 

I yawned before putting the chocolate flakes into the milk I’d found. Adding to my tiredness was the amount of nightmares I had while he was gone. I was starting to realize why Levi drank so much tea. I had one with me now as I didn’t sleep at all last night.

“Here you go. Just wait a bit for the chocolate to dissolve.” I handed the three their own mugs and I could instantly tell how they were feeling by the gaze at the milk. Eren was snarling at his milk, his hands shaking. The blonde haired boy seemed to be close to tears, taking his spoon and swirling it around. The girl showed no emotion, just staring at Eren. I assumed it was their personalities. While they sat on the raised brick hearth of the fireplace, I sat on the floor in front of them. It was probably a really pitiful sight, a thin coat over an even thinner, weak looking girl. 

“What are your names?” They all looked up at me as I started talking to them, but I was now mimicking the blonde boy, staring at my tea and swirling in some of the last honey stores I had. I couldn’t go a minute without thinking about him it was pitiful. I’d picked at my thumb too and a tiny speck of blood came out. 

“Mikasa.”

“Eren.” 

“Armin Arlet, Ma’am.” A tiny smile traced your lips, but it dropped easily after a second. The blonde boy was cute.

“Just called me, Eva. Titles don’t matter in a time like this.” I took a sip of the burning liquid, letting my body feel something. It tasted like him. I set it down next to me, not wanting to taste it anymore. 

“Miss. Eva, why did Captain Tresus take us to you?” Just like I observed before, Armin was the mouthpiece of the three. His question made me think back to the days I gave them bread. How long ago was that? I’d lost track of time completely while I waited. Back then, you were so naive thinking that Wall Maria falling was the worst thing that could happen to society. It was up there, but this, now, was so depressing. At least after Maria fell, you had Levi with you. So selfish.

“They threatened to kick you out in front of me a long time ago, and I said that they could just send you to me.” Armin and Eren’s eyes both widened, one in fear and the other in anger. Hopefully it wasn’t directed at me. 

“We aren’t allowed back?!” Eren gripped is mug harder, some of the liquid splashing over the edge on his hand. When he felt the hot milk tough his hand, he winced, but seemed not to care enough. He just had that rage in his eyes. If he didn’t get that under control, he’d be in much more trouble. I knew first hand.

“They never said that. I’m pretty sure they aren’t allowed to kick minors out, even if you ruined their grain supply,” you directed at Eren. That made whatever he was holding in burst.

“It wasn’t theirs! They were taking the grain from us to eat for themselves all while making fun of the people they sent out to die!” His voice echoed through the empty café and I saw Armin’s eyes fill with silent tears as his friend said that. He didn’t think his grandfather was going to die, but it was a suicide mission they were sent on. I wanted to reach over and pat him on the head or something. Something to tell him that it was going to be alright. Armin and I were in the same boat, stuck waiting for someone to return from the most horrifying thing that has the pleasure of gracing our ears. However, Armin’s grandfather had a much smaller chance of returning. Armin must have known that, seeing his reaction to Eren’s harsh words. I’d heard those types of words too much over the last month and a half that I was numb to them. My calmness probably scared them. 

“Would you three like something to eat? I can’t offer much in terms of meat, but I can make some porridge and bread. I suppose my offer to the Captain was for you three to come here and help me make bread for the other refugees, but that’s not an option anymore. Would you like a blanket Armin? You look very cold.”

“U-uh, I…” I smiled down at him, standing up, taking my teacup with you to go make them some porridge. All fake smiles.

“I’ll get you one anyways.” I could tell they were trying to figure out who I was and why I was doing these things for them by the whispers that I heard. I just turned my back to them and let them talk while I started to make porridge on the stove. I gave Armin one of the blankets I’d brought down from my apartment, planning to sleep near the fireplace tonight because my apartment was too cold to bear. He refused it first, but when I went back to put the porridge into bowls, he’d wrapped it around himself, engulfing everything but his face. Eren seemed to be warm enough by the anger boiling inside of his stomach, but soon he settled down and got under the blanket with Armin. Mikasa just held the scarf closer to her, looking at Eren or my back. Her gaze was scarily familiar and you realized it was probably because she shared similar features to Levi, however she seemed to be oriental like the extinct people Mr. Flynn had once talked about.

“Why are you giving us food? Don’t the people here hate us? That’s why they sent them away to fight the Titans.” I spooned some porridge in my mouth, again not caring that I was burning my throat while doing it, and shook my head at Eren. 

“Someone I care about left with them too. I don’t hate you, I understand you.” That seemed to set him off again. Something about me, a person who’s in a house and has food, understanding him didn’t sit right in his heart. How could I understand his situation if it looked like I had everything he didn’t? In retrospect, it wasn’t the best thing to say. I understood only a little what he was going through, the orphan and fighting for yourself part, but not the trauma of watching your district be eaten by titans. 

“You can never understand us,” he growled, gripping the spoon hard. Okay, this was getting to be over-the-top. I understood why the Garrison might think he was too much. The anger in his eyes only let you see a little bit of what he had inside, and I’m sure that part was terrifying. If this boy got somewhere where he could display this anger, it wouldn’t be a good scene. Was I going to try and be his therapist? Well, I shouldn’t be. Not in the state that I’m in, but of course I was. That’s what the Flynn clan does. 

“Well, I’m an orphan, too. I grew up in the Underground. Someone I care for is out there right now with the refugee’s fighting to retake Wall Maria. I’d say we’re pretty similar, minus the titans.” I’d peaked Armin’s interest and his blue eyes shined up at me. He was the type to want to gain information. I could tell he was smart and well-read by the way he talked. Maybe I’d give him a book or two. 

“You grew up in the Underground? I’ve never met someone from there. What is it like? If you don’t mind answering…” I almost laughed at his sensitive nature. Normally, I wouldn’t be willing to indulge someone in my past, but today I was feeling open. It was because all four of us were now at a certain lowest point and he looked like he really wanted to know. 

“Awful. Damp. Smelly. I lived in an orphanage almost my whole time there. You’d get beat up all the time by people looking for food or money, none of which I had. The man who owned this bakery found me and took me home with other kids in my same situation. I guess I’m giving you food because it’s a habit I’ve developed. Take kids off the street and try to help them see the light. That’s what I thought I was going to do when I saw the Garrison Chief kick you, Eren. Sorry I can’t offer you more.” Eren’s face then morphed into one of guilt. It made me smile lightly, not a real smile, but one that knew what he was thinking. Too quick to judge. I used to be like that too. This therapist thing was really about to happen. 

“You know someone in the Scouts?” His tone had changed from before, and now it was the same as Armin’s inquiring one. Was he also a little boy infatuated with Humanity’s suicidal heroes? 

“Yes, I do. Haven’t seen or heard from him since they left.” I had to fight down some tears in front of the kids. Every time I thought about it, it made me cry. I didn’t know where Levi was, and there was no possible way he could send a letter with some sign or location. All I knew is that he probably wasn’t dead. I didn’t feel anything but loneliness in my heart, and that was the only indication he was alive. It was ironic that all these negative emotions made me feel comfort and safety. 

“I’m joining the Scouts. Next year. I want to kill all of them. All of the titans.” The look was back again, the one that gave you chills. This type of thinking was dangerous, because once he started his plan, he wasn’t going to stop. The anger, if no one quenched it, would continue on. I knew this anger all too well. Was he angry at the titans? Angry at the world? Which was it?

“What are you going to do when all the titans are gone?” I took another drink of tea, regretting feeling the taste when talking about things like this. It just made it harder and harder to focus on the situation at hand. 

Eren paused, probably not ever having thought about that possibility. In all honesty, it probably wasn’t a possibility. 

‘“I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Well, you have three years to figure it out before you join the Scouts. I’ve heard the man who trains you is brutal.” Levi had mentioned his name in passing. Keith. He was loud and wasn’t afraid to deal out punishments for the littlest thing. It was a point to break someone so the military could rebuild them in it’s image, and he seemed to be the perfect person for the job. He was also one of the only people who survived long enough in the Survey Corps to be retired to another position. 

“Fighting titans isn’t as heroic as you’re making it sound, Eren. While the Scouts… while they really are the ones who will save us, if anyone, they’re also the first to die. They’re the first to see their friends get eaten. The first to… I don’t mean to scare you, sorry,” I said that in response to Armin’s horrified face, “but it’s a big decision to make so young. I’ve seen someone go to the Scouts and never come back, but I know people who’ve been there for years and are still alive. If you have any doubts, then I’d advise you to not go.” Eren was determined, I knew that. There was no way my words were going to change his mind on this. However, I could see the fear behind Armin’s eyes. I wondered if he was being dragged into this by Eren, or if he really wanted to fight back. Maybe it was his grandfather’s possible death that motivated him, but you still felt his fear from across the room. Mikasa looked determined to follow any and everywhere Eren went, so she was gone too. But Armin. Something made me want to save him. Not from the winter cold, but from the fate he was creating for himself by joining the Scouts. Maybe I’d ask Levi to watch over them if he comes back. 

No. When he comes back. When. When. When. 

“Miss Eva?” I snapped back to the conversation we were having, noticing I’d dropped your spoon on the ground. Hopefully, they didn’t ask me anything. 

“I’m sorry, did you ask something?” Armin seemed hesitant to ask again, and it was almost hurting me how timid he was. He shouldn’t be fighting titans. 

“We just wanted to know if you knew about the mission to reclaim Wall Maria before…” I sighed, remembering the day Levi left. I thought about it over and over, the way he acted so differently. He was receptive to every touch, even initiating it while I made him some food to take along the way. To me, there was something wrong when I heard that the Scouts would be leaving at night and close to the outer edge of Trost. While he was holding me from behind, his face in my neck, I asked if I could send him off since it was the first expedition of the year. He gripped me harder, almost making me drop the rice from the stove, and rejected it. Even though he seemed to never leave my side in the house, when it was time for him to leave, he promptly let me go on my doorstep and only kissed my forehead. There was no goodbye, no smile, no annoying remark, no last kiss; it almost upset me, the quick change once he made his exodus. 

I realized a day later, after finally knowing what he was leaving to do, that he had to act like that to be able to leave. He probably thought that if he kissed me, he would be pulled back in too tight. I blamed myself too, for giving him weeks of regular, domestic bliss, that probably tortured him with every fleeting moment. If only I knew, I would have made it easier for him to leave. I wouldn’t have been so bold with my affections. His apprehension to sleep in my bed made sense now. It wasn’t just because of the connotation, but also because if he woke up on January First, entwined in my warmth, would he be able to throw the covers off and leave me? 

“No, I didn’t. I had no idea what I was sending him off to.” This time, I couldn’t hold back the tears that fell into my porridge. The only good thing in this situation was that fact that I gave him all the emotion that I could have. I’d sit in my bed for the first month, listing off the reasons that he didn’t tell me. The obvious, logical one was that I was a security threat. How far back did he know about this plan? That night on the couch, I was delivering bread to the refugees every other day. Did he not tell me because he didn’t want me to feel his hurt? He didn’t want me to tell them? The other one was a reason that had come from my mouth originally. 

I’m not going to hold myself back because I’m afraid of what could happen.

If he told me about the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria, would I have acted differently? Would I have been more reserved or would I have intensified my affections because I only had a few weeks left with him? It seemed that he didn’t want to entertain that idea, and left me in some form of naïve domestic bliss.

“You three are much braver than I’ll ever be. I could never hold the responsibility the Scouts have.” I could never keep an operation like that under wraps. I could never listen to a government who sacrifices their people. I wasn’t strong like Levi. 

They left a few hours after that, and at some point I turned my attitude around, making them help me with some pastry orders. Eren was hopeless, so I made him run the mixer while Mikasa and Armin helped me assemble and decorate. Mikasa was amazing it at from the start, and I let her dollop on icing without supervision. It seemed like we all accepted that we didn’t want to talk about what was happening outside the bakery, so I asked them about their hobbies and interests. Anything to get our mind off the expedition. Armin liked to read, and I offered him a few books to take with him. Eren didn’t really do anything other than get into fights with some local boys and Mikasa was always the one who saved them. It was fitting for Eren, but I secretly hoped he had some other interest than fighting. Maybe cooking or something. I couldn’t criticize him though, because at that age I was exactly the same.

I was able to find some heavier sweaters for then, stealing some of Ben’s and my older clothes to give to them. The snow had stopped, but it wasn’t going to stop being cold and I didn’t want to see Armin shiver like I had before. Something about how delicate he was made my heart try to warm as I put the coat and blanket around his shoulders. He was already starting to develop a cold and his nose was running. 

“Stop giving the kids handouts. Pretty soon you’ll have all the little brats at your door wanting food and clothing.” I glared at the Captain who was sitting warm in his military issued coat. Just like Levi would be. 

“You’ve told me that before and nothing happened. I’ll give them what I want.” I could see Eren smirk up at the Captain who was finally getting back what he gave to others. I stood up and put my hands on my hips, ready to chew him out if he said something out of line next. 

“It seems helping raggedy kids off the street runs in the family,” he sneered and my hands went into fists. 

“It seems that the Garrison picks their officers the same way, Captain.” He didn’t like that I got in the last word, so he wasn’t going to stop his insult. 

“How does it feel to support a group who lead thousands of people to their deaths, Eva? If you supported the Garrison half as much as you did the Scouts, maybe your café would still be open.” 

“At least I support a group who does something. All I see the Garrison doing is drinking themselves to death on the street. Do you really think you can fight against the titans when they show up?” The kids were just looking back and forth between the two of us as we spouted out insults. My anger was steadily growing as he kept going on about how the Scouts were going to all die outside the walls and how stupid they had become as an organization once Erwin took control. 

“That is, if they come back, Eva. Your little love affair might be coming to a close soon.” My eyes widened at his statement, knowing exactly what he was talking about. He, along with others in Trost, had noticed Levi’s presence at the café, and tried to connect the dots themselves. Levi made sure he always walked in the front door during lunch rush, wearing the uniform that I washed the night previous. Still, it made people talk, like they enjoy doing. 

“He’s going to die, Eva. You have to know that!” The Captain stuck his face out near mine, a sly smirk on his face. 

One day he’s going to die, Eva. If he doesn’t leave you before that.

Scouts die everyday. There’s no guarantee that I’ll come back.

I sent him to the white ground, the blood from his nose painting it red. My knuckles burned, knowing that I hit him incorrectly; not the way Levi taught me. However, the anger I had built up over these past months had given me enough power to send him sprawling. Armin had let out a little shout, but the way that Eren reacted to it made me pause and collect my labored breathing. He was looking at the Captain, a look I’ve never seen before. A look others had probably seen on my face. He was smiling down at the Captain who was struggling to get up, holding a broken nose. My actions fueled the ones I wanted Eren to let go of because I was no different than him. I saw myself in Eren, that’s why I wanted to talk to him, and now here we were displaying the same behaviors I wanted him to stop. 

“If you kids need anything else, just come here.” I slammed the door behind me and locked it, knowing the Garrison Captain would want to get inside and give me a piece of his mind. 

I went to sit down on the hearth, not tending to the slowly dying fire. I just held my head in my hands and cried, not caring about the blood I could feel popping up around my knuckles. It was better to feel something other than sadness. That was the only good side of this situation. 

Three Months After the Start of the Mission to Reclaim Wall Maria 

“I talked to Duran recently…” Ben trailed off, de-pitting the other cherries as I was heating up the sugar. 

“I think you’re the only one who talks to him still.” A Garrison member held up their coffee cup for a refill and I smiled at him to let him know I was on my way. The Captain hadn’t shown up here since that day. 

“Well, I’m the only one who thinks he’s a semi-decent person. He said he’s gotten some free time and might come down to visit. Maybe we could send a note to Catrin, too and get together like we used to.” I laughed at that, more of a scoff, and went to fill the member’s cup up, obliging in their second long conversation before I reverted my face back to its neutral position.

“I didn’t think Duran liked us that much to want to come back. He didn’t leave on a good note.” Ben put the cherries into the pot and I stirred, mashing them to make the filling for tonight’s cherry turnovers. 

“You two didn’t leave on a good note, but he said that he’s going to do some intense training soon, so he wants to come visit before he can’t. Since I’m this family’s head, I’m going to invite him. You know he’s going to want to see the apartment and the café.” I gave him a confused look, knowing the Duran that got into a screaming match with me before he stormed off without a goodbye. He hated the café and the apartment. In fact, he screamed that he wasn’t going to come back either, but now he’s asking to visit? He must’ve hit his head. 

“I don’t think Duran’s presence will be the best for my mood.” Ben took a deep sigh, not knowing how to help me at this point. Being a good brother, he was trying any and every way to keep me happy and occupied. He also said that Jonas had heard people talking about me on the street, specifically how I seemed depressed, and so Ben had to come and see me because Jonas was still too stubborn. Ben said that to make me laugh, but somehow it made me feel worse. 

Even if we fought, if Jonas was hurting as much as I was, I would have visited him. Apparently, a whole childhood of friendship didn’t mean the same thing to him. 

“Duran told me something about that too, but I don’t think it would be the best for your mood to tell you.” I took the cherries off the heat and turned to take someone’s order, the fake smile plastered back on my face. Whatever Duran had to say, I was interested in hearing it. It was the most comfortable to live in naivety for the past three months, knowing in my heart that Levi wasn’t dead. It was also easier to be selfish that way. I didn’t want to worry about millions of people, I just wanted to worry about one. It made me feel like a horrible person every night when I wrote in my personal log, but at this point I couldn’t pull self-hate out of the vat of emotion I had inside. The only ones that came out regularly were self-pity, anger, sadness, and maybe the occasional sadistic humor. Everything else was fake. I was putting on a show to the people around me so they would stop asking if I was okay. I wasn’t, but I didn’t want them hearing it from my own mouth. 

“I don’t care what he says.” It was short and curt, enough to cut Ben off for a few minutes, frustrated with how I was acting. He was going to end up giving me some sort of lecture on why I should be happy, only for me to blow him off to go shut myself in my apartment before he could drag me to some family dinner. Those were the only times I saw Jonas, and even then we didn’t talk or look at each other. 

“Do you not talk to people because you feel they won’t understand you or…?” There it was. I rolled my eyes. 

“I just don’t want to talk about my feelings right now.” He put one hand on his hip. 

“So when and with who? Everyone here can see you’re dying inside.” Ouch. I went back to making the turnovers. 

“I don’t know, Ben. Not now and not with you.” That’s how I knew something was wrong deep down. Ben had to have known too. I told him everything, easily. If it wasn’t Jonas who knew, you could count on Ben. It ranges from my favorite color as a child to the worst thing I’ve ever done to someone. Yet, these feelings seem too scary to tell him. Too raw. They also were quite immoral to say out loud, and I felt that Ben, someone who worked closely with the people the government sent out to kill, would see me differently after I told him. I know he wouldn’t judge me, but there was just something there that didn’t let me, no matter how much he pressed. This may be the only thing I haven’t let Ben in on, and he was probably hurt too… and very concerned. 

At night, I’d try to write it out like Levi said, this feeling of needed to keep self-secrecy, but I just didn’t have the words to explain it. I didn’t have the words to explain a lot of things in my log, and most of the entries were not even half a page long. I would detail what happened during the day, which was the same thing over and over, and then I’d write a sentence on how I was feeling. When he came back, I knew he’d be disappointed at how little I’d shown him. 

Levi had left a letter the night he left, which I didn’t find till morning. This letter detailed everything that he didn’t tell me about the expedition, and also reassurances of his safety. He also instructed me to write out what happens while he’s gone so I wouldn’t forget him. Everyday I wrote, and everyday I’d read over it and hate the words on the page. I’d imagine him reading it and feeling burdened by what his absence made me feel. That was probably another reason I couldn’t write down what I was truly feeling. 

So there it always was, like a rain cloud over my head for three months straight. 

Tonight’s entry actually went over a half of a page because I had to elaborate on how Duran and I left each other after Mr. Flynn’s funeral. 

Today was the same as yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Ben came again, trying to get me to talk to him and helping at the café. Mr. Shwiner ordered a latte instead of black coffee, but I didn’t ask why. Ben told me he talked to Duran, remember, my brother. He’s joining some new MP branch and so he has mandatory training, and somehow that willed him to want to come to the place he hates before being locked up in wonderful Mitras. The last time Duran was here was after Mr. Flynn’s funeral and we got into a screaming match in the café. He said he never wanted to see this stupid place again and I slapped him across the face. It doesn’t make sense to me why he wants to come back. I don’t want him to come back. I want you to come back. Yes, that’s it for the day. Hopefully, this will be the last day I write this to you. If you come back tomorrow, I’ll tell you my real name. 

Knock. Knock. 

I put the pencil and notebook down on my bed, groaning when I heard the knock. I shoved on my slippers walking to the door. Probably some nightwatch or Reeve’s company trying to get me to order more with all the money I don’t have. Either way, they’d end up with my door thrown in their face. 

“What do you need this late after dinner?”

He just stood there, staring at me. His hands were in his pockets too, but I could see them twitching, not knowing what to say. I took one good look at his figure, up and down, and then went to slam the door. 

“Wait!” His hand caught it, pushing the door back a little bit so I could see his face still.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want anything else. I already put in my order for this month.” My tone was harsher than I expected it to be. 

“Eva-” I raised my voice. 

“I said I already ordered!” Still, he wouldn’t let me close the door, and I turned my face away from him. Did I feel abandoned? Yes. Was it partly my own fault? Also, yes. This is why I turned away from him, because I didn’t want to face those emotions when all these other ones are building up. 

“Eva, I need to come in.” His hand was still flat on the door, making it impossible for me to close it on him. Even if I didn’t want him to come inside, he was going to push his way in. I just walked away from the open door, leaving him to close it as he came in. Still, I had my back turned towards him as I stood in the center of the living room between the two couches. 

“Eva, we need to talk.” I crossed my arms, looking over my shoulder slightly to see his face. It shouldn’t look so out of place to have him stand here. 

“Say what you need to say then get out.” I cursed myself for letting him hear how shaking my voice was. He knew I was holding in tears.

“Eva, just stop thi-” 

“Stop what?” He sighed, just like Ben did this morning, but it was deeper. He was getting ready to yell. I flinched on impact.

“Stop acting like you’re fine!” The silence hung after he yelled. That’s when he knew I was gone. Just like how I have an instinct around Ben, I have one around Jonas as well. When he fights, I fight back. That’s how it’s always been. Now, I was just standing there letting him do this. That’s how drained I was. Yet, I wasn’t drained enough to not try and hurt him back. To expel my emotions in some other way than crying. 

“Stop acting like you care.” He laughed after that. Three times.

“Oh, Eva, you know I’m the person who cares the most.” His tone was calm, not sarcastic or dripping with anger like mine was. It made me feel worse. 

“It only took you four months.” 

“Well, you waited six months for him so I though-” I turned around sharply, my eyes probably wild as I started over at him. 

“Leave.” He held up his hands in defense. 

“Okay, I’m sorry, that one just slipped out.” My glare was serious. If he was here to talk about Levi, he was going to exit. 

“I’m not here to talk to you about your relationship and I know you don’t want my apology. I’m here because I promised you something a long time ago.” That made me intrigued. I don’t remember promising him anything. 

“Which is?”  He smiled lightly, finally having my attention. I wouldn’t have kicked him out. I would have let him talk either way. 

“When we first went to secondary school, that first day, do you remember what happened?” 

“I kicked the boy in the side and got reprimanded, yes.” 

“And you saved me from getting beat up by the older kids.” Jonas had always gotten into fights from primary to the beginning of secondary. I don’t know if it was because his face looked punchable, but he would always attract upperclassmen boys who wanted to kick him off some sort of high horse they thought he was on. I always felt like I had to help him too, no matter the situation, even if we were probably the smallest kids and would end up in the headmasters office. Still, I didn’t see the relevance of him bringing this up and he could tell he was ringing no bells.

“That day, do you remember what happened that made you kick the boy’s head?” My eyes widened. Oh. We were thinking of two different days. The day he was referring too was… 

“I remember yes,” my voice had gotten softer and all the anger had left it. That day had been shoved into the back of my memory for years. This also let Jonas know he was getting to his point. 

“You told me that you never wanted to be that person again. The person who said that you wanted to kick the boy’s head until his blood painted your shoes.” You shivered when he repeated your words. You did say that, but after as you were standing outside the headmaster’s office while Ben played your caretaker. 

Mr. Flynn said it happened to all of his kids. Once they reach puberty, something in them snaps and the trauma comes flooding back through. He hoped that with the right care, it would never happen to me, and he thought it didn’t, because that was the day I started confining in Ben. At first, I would steal things from the booths or even money from the register, but I would horde them in a box under my bed. I wanted control over the things I had. Ben said he started that way too. Next, I would hurt things smaller than me, giving back the world the pain I suffered. It was a power dynamic. I finally had power over something. It made me understand why older girls would kick my ribs in the Underground alleyways. Finally, months of these behaviors culminated into that day. 

He was kicking Jonas on the ground, like the people in the Underground, and the two other boys on his side watched. I ran over, yelling at them with my fists as tight as they would go. I was still small from malnourishment, but I knew how to fight from years of doing it. It was all fine and normal, only throwing insults back and forth, until he called me an Underground rat. They knew where I lived and who my caretaker was. That’s when it all came flooding back. I didn’t want to hurt small things anymore, I wanted to kill that boy who was hurting Jonas and making me feel the way he did. Ben said that it was a form of atonement for the times I was beat up in the Underground and couldn’t do anything. My body atoned for those periods of weakness by taking it all out on this one boy a grade above me. 

I can remember the words I spat at him and his friends. I’ll kick you till your blood paints my shoes. I’ll show you who you call an Underground rat. This is the Underground! Are you happy now? Isn’t this what you wanted?! Stop yelling for help, it isn’t coming!  It took Jonas and the two other friends to hold me back, as well as a teacher seeing from outside his window. The only saving grace was that no student saw it happen as they had caught Jonas in a corner. Therefore, when those three boys went to their class and said something, no one believed him. I was too small and never spoke. Ben came, took one look at my dilated eyes, and knew right away what happened. The instant he looked at me, the guilt came flooding through. I realized what I did to that boy. I realized what was happening in these past few months. While the headmaster was threatening to throw me out, I cried probably for the first time in front of Jonas.

I made him promise. 

“You made me promise that if you were ever starting to go back to how you were in the Underground, that I’d have to stop you before it was too late, and here I am.” I deflated when he said that, because I knew it was completely true. Recollecting the feelings I felt back then, way back then, it felt exactly like now. I felt hopeless, alone, lost. The only difference was that I was waiting for someone to come back and take those emotions away. 

“Jonas,” maybe it was a plea for him to stop talking. If he kept going, I’d break.

“You’re going back, Eva. I heard what happened with the Garrison Captain. Even if he deserved it, it’s not like you to break someone’s nose. That coupled with the fact that everyone in Trost is coming up to ask me why you look like you’re always in pain… Eva, I’m still not over what we talked about before, but that doesn’t matter when you’re spiraling back into the girl from the Underground who lets no one care for her. Who only lets one person care for her and when they’re gone she shuts down completely.” I clenched my fists again, feeling exactly like the girl in the school corner that day, but now instead of anger, I was about to collapse.

“What’s wrong? Why do you feel like this? Is it all because of him?” His voice was soft, like it used to be. Those nights when he would comfort me from a nightmare came back into my mind. He would always know the right things to say to make me feel better. He would say the things that didn’t make me feel like I was that helpless girl back in the Underground who had to kill to stay alive. Would that make me feel better now? 

“I…” I took a deep breath, trying to give myself a chance. A chance to speak. A chance to feel something other than sadness. 

“I…” I looked up at him again, his eyes pleading for me to continue. This was exactly like before. I was afraid to share what I was thinking, knowing how awful it was, just for it to culminate and me trying to kill a boy. I was afraid. I wanted Levi to come back. If he was back, I wouldn’t be afraid of what might happen if he doesn’t come back. 

“It’s because of him.” I felt weak when I said that, and it didn’t help that my legs felt like they were about to collapse. Jonas saw this. He saw how I was about to fall over from something and he came over quickly, sitting me down on the couch while he sat on top of the coffee table. His hand was on top of my knee. For once, I wasn’t shying away from human contact. The human contact that I needed because I was reverting back. Yes, I needed Jonas right now. I regretted letting him stay away for so long. Again, I was being selfish. So selfish. What did he think about this contact? 

“It’s fine to feel like this about someone you love, Eva.” I was hurting Jonas now, not just me. This is why I didn’t want to share my emotions in the first place. I was burdening him because he had to comfort me about someone he didn’t like. About someone he wanted to be. The fight we had was coming back in my head too. I put my head in my hands, trying to push it back. I was on overdrive. 

“Eva, what’s wrong?” His voice stayed soft, regardless of how I was acting. Yet, his eyes were gaining intensity as I seemed to be getting worse. 

“Jonas, I’m hurting you.” His grip tightened on my knee just a little bit. 

“No you aren’t, Eva. Right now, I’m trying to make sure my best friend is okay. You’re hurting.” With that, I took my hands off of my head and looked up at the ceiling. He called me his best friend. Like before. Best friend. How had I gone months without having Jonas to rely on like I used to? Maybe that was the difference this time. Before when Levi was gone, I confided in Jonas. I told him if I was sad. He knew when I woke up in tears to some nightmare. Now, I had forcibly removed myself from him and from everyone else. I had no one to turn to. Is that why this time hurt so much more? 

“I miss him, Jonas, and I want him back. I’m frustrated that the government made him do this, but on the other hand I don’t care about the refugees. I want him to come back. I’m a horrible person. I made bread for them. I handed them soup and talked to them like they were friends. Now here I am, not caring about them, not even one bit. I felt sad when I read what was happening, but was I sad for them, or was I sad that we as a society have gotten to the point that we have to sacrifice thousands of people to survive?” He didn’t move from his seat on the table like he normally would, but as soon as I got that out, it felt a little better. I didn’t mind the small tears that fell on my face, and he just nodded in agreement with what I said. It was just like before. 

“I think that’s normal to do when you love someone. You don’t care about the others around them, you care just about them. It’s also good that you recognize your thinking is bad. It would be worse if you felt like that and had no remorse.” 

“I think about it sometimes. What you said. I sit up at night and stare at the wall, thinking about in five years, will I be in the exact same spot? Can I wait that long for him? That makes me feel awful too. All he does is fight to protect us, and I’m being selfish. I’m so selfish.” He shook his head and I lowered my head to look at him. 

“Eva, you know what you’re feeling is all normal, right? You love him, but can you keep hurting yourself like this for the sake of love? Sorry, I know I told you I wasn’t going to talk about your relationship.” I just shrugged at him and leaned forward to rest my head in my hands again. I wiped off some tears too. It was a miracle I wasn’t sobbing at this point, but maybe before I was sobbing because I had no one to say all of this to. 

“Are you saying that still hoping I’ll break up with him and come to you?” I wanted him to say it. Just because he was coming to talk to me as my friend doesn’t mean he was thinking that when standing outside of my door, gaining the courage to knock. 

“Right now, I’m thinking about what will make you not feel horrible. Am I considering the possibility of what you said? Yes, but I’ve had four-ish months to work through my feelings.” I nodded, not wanting to push him further. 

“Is that all you’ve been feeling this whole time?” 

“I have nightmares of him dying. I wake up and my heart is racing, I’m crying, but I know he isn’t dead. Still, it’s scary to see that in front of me every night. I don’t think I’ve slept more than three hours in a night since he left. Then, I tell myself throughout the day to not think about it and serve the customers, but I can’t help it. I’ve started picking at my hands again, even with the lotion. It’s anxiety, I know it is. I’m anxious about his condition, and then I get anxious when I think I’m starting to think about him again because it makes me anxious. It’s a vicious cycle. I only allow myself to think about it completely at night before I go to bed. That’s probably why I have such horrible nightmares about it too.”

“And I wasn’t here, too.” I just nodded, knowing that I’d have to draw that boundary with him once I asked him to stay tonight. He probably came here hoping for it too. I’d have him sleep on the couch like he always does, but I won’t allow him to come in my room. 

“I couldn’t tell Ben because… I don’t know, I just felt if I told him things about the refugee’s he’d judge me. I care about them and how many of them make it back, but I care more about Levi and his well being. If only Levi came back, just one person, I’d be happy. It’d be such a smack in the face to the refugee kids and families, but I’d walk around Trost happy. I can’t believe I can say that, especially when I just fed and gave clothing to three refugee kids whose families probably went to fight the titans.” I groaned and lifted my legs up on the couch so I could put my head in between my knees. 

“He’s just worried about you, Eva. That’s all. He tells me everyday too, but when he came back today and told me what you said to him, that’s when I knew I had to come here and keep my promise. You told him that you weren’t going to tell him. Not now and not with you. He was just afraid that something awful happened like before.” 

“Something awful did happen.” Jonas just nodded, agreeing again with me. He probably thought Levi was the awful thing. 

“Thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me in. Like before. We’re going to go back to before. If not for myself, for you. You need people around you, Eva. It hurts me seeing you walk around Trost with absolutely no life in your eyes. I couldn’t look at you at dinner because I couldn’t face the fact that… It took me four months to realize that my feelings don’t matter when you’re dying inside. If anyone was being selfish, it was me. It took this much for me to realize that, and I apologize.” That made me feel some form of warmth in my heart. For the first time in months. His apology, gaining my friend back, it made me feel something other than sadness. That’s what made the tears flow even heavier, but my head was between my knees so he couldn’t see it. I’d finally started to feel again. It was an indication that I wasn’t reverting back to my inhuman ways. I just nodded and accepted his apology. 

“C-can you stay? Tonight?” This made his smile grow even wider. It was just like before. Of course, there would be rules and lines that weren’t able to be crossed now, but I knew he deemed it worth it. I did too. 

“Yeah, just give me a better blanket than last time.” His lighthearted voice made me feel a little better. Maybe tonight, I would cry only a little bit for Levi.

“If… I-If I have nightmares, I’ll just - yeah, I’ll just come out here?” It shouldn’t have been a suggestion, but even so he agreed to it, knowing why I said that. I also remembered Levi’s reaction to when I told him what Jonas did to comfort me. It did cross a line from friend to something else in Levi and Jonas’ eyes. It made sense too. We weren’t twelve and the room in my bed that was once there for Jonas had been taken up, or well, will be taken up soon by Levi. I couldn’t let someone else take his spot that easily. 

I stood up to go to sleep, knowing that’s what my body wanted. My body also wanted to leave Jonas before I started really crying. It was only a few minutes until the emotion of all the words I said came too. It was always delayed. I’d write my log entry and it would be five minutes until I’d cry. I’d read Levi’s letters over and over again and then a few minutes later, the tears would fall and dampen the paper. I knew the same would happen here, too. 

“Goodnight, Jonas.” He smiled up at me again from the couch, having the heavier blanket this time. 

“Night, Ev. This feels right, like it should be. Just don’t snore, yeah?” I wasn’t ready to smile at people yet, so I just nodded. That made his smile drop too. It was going to take more than a vague heart-to-heart for me to feel okay again. 

“Eva, I know I wasn’t going to say stuff like this bu-” I closed my eyes and cut him off. 

“Just say it. Don’t hide things anymore, that’s what got us in this mess.”

“Is it worth being with him if every time he’s away, you fall into a hole so deep you can’t pull yourself out? Is the love worth the pain?” That one hurt and the delayed tears were making their way up. I felt ashamed to close the door without giving him some type of reassuring answer. He knew I was going to cry. The walls were thin and he heard it. He would always hear it. That made me feel worse. I took one step forward and then took that same one back. 

Jonas came tonight. Just now. I felt like I had to add that in for you so you didn’t find it annoying when he was back when you come back. I realized that this time was worse because I shut myself out from everyone else. Before, those six months, he was there. No matter how much you might hate it, he’s someone I can talk to. I can freely share my emotions when you’re not there. Do you have someone like that too? Hange? Erwin? I hope you do, because I’ve realized I can’t do this alone. Don’t worry, he’s on the couch and I told him not to come in here either. I have to keep this spot warm for you. If you come back tomorrow, you have to hold me to sleep. No exceptions.

Chapter Fourteen →

Chapter Masterlist

[simplyotometrash]

Fluff Alphabet- Asmodues

Full Alphabet (because I’m weak)

A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)

Your personality! Asmo adores everything about you, but your personality is what truly draws him in. You fascinate him. You aren’t like the demons or witches who only show interest in him for pacts or for sex. You genuinely love him. And he finds it curious. The little facets of your personality draw him in, he finds himself learning new things about you every single day you’re together. In turn, he learns new things about himself, too.

B = Body (what is their favorite part of your body?)

Ask me what ISN’T his favorite part, it’s a harder question. He encapsulates love for you, he loves your whole body. If he has to pick something, he would choose your eyes. They truly are the windows to the soul. Your beautiful soul (I beg you, listen to the song Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney). Your eyes have so much light and life, they reflect your feelings so well. They’re something he finds himself getting lost in. 

C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)

Asmo can be a real cuddle bug. He likes holding you and being held. He’s only like this if he’s actually in a committed relationship with someone. His ideal way to cuddle is you both laying face to face, your leg draped over his hip and one of his legs between yours. His arm is draped over your waist, fingers able to trace against your back. He can see your stunning face and give you kisses and watch as you fall asleep. And think every day how lucky he is.

D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)

Shopping dates! Asmo likes to make full days out of your dates. A date with him includes shopping to both your favorite stores, eating at a cafe for a nice break, more shopping if you’re feeling up to it. Getting massages or manicures together. He likes wrapping things up at home, though, with a nice bubble bath together after you put your things down. It’s dimly lit, smells soft and floral, and the hot water is relaxing for your muscles. His perfect way to end an ideal date.

E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)

He has to learn to be open with certain emotions. He’s been treated like his sin for so long that sex and flirting is how he knows to communicate. But he has so much to express, he just isn’t given the chance to. In a relationship with you, he learns other ways of expression that he likes. He loves to give you gifts. He loves sitting in the same room, not even doing anything together. He becomes very open with outright telling you how he feels about things because he doesn’t want to keep you guessing. If he needs comfort, he asks for it. If he is happy, he shows it.

F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)

I’m not sure if Asmo is really a kid person. That’s not to say he dislikes kids, I don’t think he really wants them for himself. He can’t see himself as a dad. He prefers the freedom of not having children. But he does want to marry you. He wants you to be his. If he does change his mind about children, he would express it to you outright. If he changes his mind, it would be quite a few years into your relationship. I do think he’d love kid’s clothing and baby clothes.

“Look at how small and cute they are!” 

He’d actually be a really good father if he decides he wants children with you. But that’s for the distant future to decide.

G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)

Asmo gives you gifts constantly. 

“Oh, my darling star, I saw this in the shop and thought of you!”

He will do this a lot. He sees things that make him think of you or that he thinks you will like and buys them to give to you. His two love languages are gifts and touch. You will just get presents regularly. He does enjoy getting gifts, too! He is always thankful and appreciative. 

“Why, of course you bought me a gift. I am the dazzling Asmodeus after all~!”

H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)

He didn’t think he liked holding hands much until you. He thought it felt sweaty and gross. And then you two held hands for the first time while shopping. You weren’t even dating at the time. His heart skipped and he knew he was done for. Now, he takes any chance he can to hold your hand. He likes to swing your hands, too. It’s childish and cute, very playful.

I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)

Asmo himself has enough self control that he would never hurt you. He’s like Mammon in that he would not even use his demon form against you, ever. But if he did accidentally hurt you, this demon boy would feel so horrible. 

If another demon hurt you, he would use his power to force them to leave before taking care of you. He is protective of his sweet honey. You will be catered to until you are healed again.

If you get hurt because you’re clumsy, he’ll laugh as he helps you up. He’s clearly checking you over for serious injury and taking you to get cleaned up if needed. He reminds himself to catch you next time you trip or stop you from running into things.

J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)

His jokes are usually about himself. He loves himself, he is a king of self love after all. I think he plays up being a “narcissist” and uses it for joke material. I personally hate the whole “Asmo is a narcissist” thing because that isn’t what a narcissistic personality is. Loving oneself like he does is vanity but not narcissism and we need to stop calling vain people narcissists. 

Anyway!

He does like to pull pranks on and with you. You two can get engaged in prank wars a lot. Usually little things. Never, ever, mess with Asmo’s products though. If you do something that temporarily dyes his hair, he will come at you full force with his next prank. Don’t fucking do it.

K = Kisses (how do they like to kiss you?)

He loves kisses! All the smooches for Asmodeus! But he has a fondness for kissing your neck. Maybe the thought of marking your neck makes it more appealing. Maybe it’s the fact that the throat has a pulse point that he can feel under his lips. He just loves trailing kisses up the column of your neck and to your jaw and lips. His kisses get real sensual real fast. Not necessarily sexual. 

L = Love (how do they show you they love you?)

Physical affection and gift giving! As stated before, these are his primary love languages. Holding your hand or linking arms or hugs or cuddles. He loves touch. He craves physical affection and giving it to you is one way he shows his love. Giving you gifts is the other. It shows how often you are on his mind, how much he thinks of you when he’s doing things.

M = Memory (favorite memory together?)

That first time you ever held his hand. You two weren’t dating at the time. You were out shopping and got excited. It was crowded, though, and you didn’t want to get separated from him. You grabbed his hand, fingers linking together to strengthen the hold, and it was like his heart stopped beating for a moment. Everything seemed to slow down. That was when he knew he was in love. No one’s touch had ever made him feel like that before. He has photobooth pictures from that day in his wallet.

N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)

His worst fear is that you will tell him that you’ve been using him for sex the entire time. That you don’t really love him. He doesn’t want to be reduced down to his sin by you. You, the person he loves so much. The person who proved that he was more than his sin. If you came out with that, he doesn’t know what he would do with himself. He’s expressed this fear openly to you, to which he needed to be held because he was beginning to cry while telling you. Reassure him that your love goes far beyond sex. Please, don’t just be using him. He’s far more fragile than one might think.

O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?)

He is very particular about matching colors. With everything. If things don’t match, Asmo will not be happy. Even coordinating outfits with you is important. He doesn’t want to wear colors that clash with what you’re wearing. It’s important for things to look good together. That includes you two as a couple.

P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)

Oh he has a whole fucking list of pet names. He rotates through them routinely, it never gets boring. Sweetie, sweetheart, my dove, my darling, honey, my sweet honey, darling star. sunshine, starlight, darling love, love. It never gets old with Asmo. He loves cute pet names. Please call him by pet names, too. He doesn’t use babe or baby because he feels they’re overused.

Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)

Asmo, while he loves going on dates, enjoys just being in a room with you. You can be doing your own thing while he reads a magazine or paints his nails or scrolls through Devilgram. He doesn’t care what either of you are doing, so long as you are together. You don’t even need to talk. He likes having you in the room. But please, let him paint your nails. He will die if he gets to match your nails with his.

R = Rhythm (what song reminds you of them?)

Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney and I will die on this hill

S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)

Asmo doesn’t keep secrets from you. He doesn’t see much need to. He’s pretty much an open book.

T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)

Once he realized he was in love with you, not too long. He slowly pushed his boundaries with you to gauge reactions for the next few weeks before making a very romantic and heartfelt confession to you.

U = Upset (how do they act when you’re upset?)

He tries to find out why you’re upset. He wants to help you. If you let him, he’ll give you a full body massage to help you feel better. He’ll run you a bath and let you soak, sitting by the bathtub if you ask. He will do anything he can to help you feel better. And he’s a great listener for when you’re ready to talk.

V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?)

Oh, Asmo will show you off all the time. He loves getting to flaunt the fact that he has the most perfect partner. If you don’t like being shown off, he will tone it down. But he’s proud of you. Proud to be with you.

W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?)

Asmo isn’t a fan of the idea of you being in serious fights. Especially with demons. He would fight for you in that case. If it’s a little cat fight, he is totally the boyfriend that would yell “kick her ass, sweetheart!” and hold your stuff for you while cheering you on.

X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?)

I feel like emotions are very connected to his sin. He can read you better than anyone. He can tell when pushing things is a bad idea and will leave it be. He can tell when you need space or need to get out of a situation. 

Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?)

Asmo would have to make something of it. It needs to be perfect and romantic. But very much a private affair. He doesn’t want to put you on the spot in public, he thinks that’s tacky and crude. He would beg to be able to propose to you in the human world. You go to Japan when the cherry blossoms are in full bloom, The area is secluded, no one is around. There are cherry blossom petals dancing in the breeze when he kneels down and pulls out the ring to ask you. He even had Satan’s help writing his proposal like a poem. All for you.

Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?)

He feels calm when doing self care routines with you. Sometimes you just need to sit back, relax, and put on a face mask. It’s even more relaxing to do it with someone you care about. It doesn’t have to be a quiet kind of relaxing for him. He feels calm when getting to sit back and giggle with you, showing each other pictures you find while waiting on your masks to dry.

[glassartpeasants]

Crying In The Club .5

Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, a bit of happiness for once?, mentions of past abuse, 

*Part 1* *Part 2* *Part 3* *Part 4* *Part 5*

A/N: HE HO everybody. Like i promised, they would both be out today. Am I tired? Yes. Am i rushing through his chapter since my dumbass thought it would be cool to procrastinate? Yes. But none of that shit matters now. Its out and we are all good.

Edit: Did I fall asleep while writing this and never finished it? Yes. Was my laptop almost dead when I woke? Yes. Am I sorry for not keeping the promise? Yes. I is big sorry U^U

Taglist

@winchester-wifey @hello-lucky-luka

~~~

You haven’t left the safety of your bathroom in about a week. I mean what was the point of even going out there if all your gonna remember on how horribly you wanted to get out of this shit show. You felt like nothing mattered anymore. Why should it? You were dragged away from all of your friends and family. You had no one except Overhaul. Which practically left yourself friendless except for the voice in your head.

When was the last time you even ate? You remember eating the afternoon you escaped. Soo about a week then? You hold your tummy as painful growls rumble from it. Causing you to groan in pain. Your eyes were squeezed shut as you sighed.

When was the last time you moved from your little spot behind the door? To long...

Kai-Overhaul hasn’t even tried to talk to you. Not even once. Good. You didn’t want to see his disgusting face anyways. It was the same face that gave you nightmares when you slept at night. God even thinking about that prick has your stomach turning as you resist the urge to vomit. Insignificant selfish bastard-

“Miss (Y/N)?” You sigh. It was Hari, Kai’s right hand man. You wanted to hate him but you realized that would be childish. The man never did anything to harm you, he was only trying to follow orders.

“Yes?” You reply softly, Your voice was dry from not talking in awhile. You lick your lips in order to just have some mostiure.

“You can leave the base.” Your eyes shot open so wide you thought they would pop out of your skull. Scrambling to get on your feet you pull open the door. Eyes wide open hoping he wasn’t lying to get you to open the door.

“What?! Are you serious?!”

“Yes Overhaul told me to tell you that. saying how he found someone better for the job.”

A smile etched it’s way into your face. Tears of joy fell down your face as you hug Hari. You pulled him in a bone crushing hug as you thanked him over and over again. You let him go before you ran out the door faster then you have ever ran before. You wanted to leave before Kai changed his mind.

Your feet hit the cement as the tears of joy slowly slid down your cheeks. You ran so fast that your legs felt as if they could fall off your own body. But that pain was welcomed. You would take this pain over staying with Overhaul any day.

Your feet stopped when you had bumped into someone. Your momentum of running knocked down the man and you stumbling back, trying not to fall on your ass.

“Oh my god i’m so sorry!” You profusely as you lend a hand to the fallen man so he could get up. The man took your hand and you couldn’t help but smile and nervously laugh as you enjoyed how soft the mans hands were.

“No it’s okay, I should have looked at where I was going.” You both laugh a little before you rub the back of your neck.

“Hey since you knocked me over how about you let me take you to the cafe nearby. Me falling on my ass has made me thirsty.” You laugh as you let your hand fall to your side.

Looking at the man there was no lying that he was some good ass eye candy. But you were still a little shaken up and weary about what happened not to long ago. But then again you haven’t eaten in about a week...

“You know what? I’d love too.”

~~~

Kai walked down the hallways of the Shie Hassakai on his way to Pops to tell him about his ‘break up’ with you. Finally he got rid of you. No more fighting, no more complaining, no more escape attempts,

and no more of the feeling of your soft lips against his own.

Kai shook his head at the last thought. Why do you plague his mind? How dare you distract him from his work? His goal is on the line here! He can’t have some annoying pest bothering him.

“Finally I’m free of that pest.”

“Kai just the man I’m looking for. Hows your girlfriend?”

“We broke up.”

“Oh, i’m sorry to here that my boy. Don’t worry stuff like that happens!” Pops patted Kai’s back.

“Yeah.” Kai laughed. Trying not to give the secret away.

‘I just met someone new, that’s all.” Kai lied, well kinda. He had met someone new who would do the work for money.

‘You know (y/n) didn’t do it for the money.’

“Oh well that’s too bad. I hope you let her down easy.”

“I did.”

“Well I must be off, see you later my boy.” With that Pops walked off. Leaving Kai to take a long sigh. Stopping in his tracks as he rubbed his temples.

Now thinking about it, you never even asked for anything in return, not money, not jewelry. Nothing. You just...did it. Even after everything he put you through you never asked for anything. Why? Why didn’t you ask for something? What was your plan?

‘Maybe she was afraid?’ Thoughts ran wild in his mind before his phone rang, making his pants pocket vibrate.

Opening the phone he noticed it was the new girl. Picking it up before moving it away from his ear. immediately regretting his decision.

Ugh he couldn’t stand her voice. So insufferable. Sounded like a drying dog. At least your voice was smooth like honey. Yours so calming and sweet-

“No stop it!” Kai yelled at himself. You need to get out of his mind. You were plaguing it like the disease you were. How dare you? How could you make him so confused on what he feels about you. He should hate you! 

Kai swore if he thought about you one more time, he would go insane.

~~~

You couldn’t help but giggle. The man was just a charmer! Not to mention he has a great sense of humor! You just couldn’t get enough of him and his jokes. Man it felt amazing to be laughing again, this time knowing you weren’t going to get killed for it.

“So why were you running earlier?” His question caught you off guard but it was fair. You were running like your life depended on it. To you it felt like you were. But to him and looking through his eyes it was only reasonable.

“Ex-boyfriend troubles.” You laugh nervously before taking a sip of your tea. Might as well drink something cold before fall and winter roll around. The taste of the tea hitting your tongue gave you s little smile. You look at the tea before turning your attention back to the man in front of you.

“Well don’t worry, I’m here.” You both laugh as you put a strand of lose hair behind your ear. Man this felt nice to talk to someone who you weren’t afraid of.

“Good to know.”

~~~

‘Oh god can this woman shut up already?!’ Kai thought to himself as he tried to ignore the chattering that came from the woman next to him. Who kept pointing at useless stores that he wished would just disappear if he stared at them long enough.

Since he made the deal with the new girl, with her getting paid and everything, she demanded that they went to the mall together.

“Hey are you listening to me?!” The girl as she screamed at Kai.

“Yes (R/N).” God this woman was going to be the death of him. If he killed her right there would anyone tell on him?

“Okay good! The take me to bath and body works! They’ve got a sale going on!” Ugh he hated that store with a burning passion. All those unholy scents made him want to pass out.

Once they entered the store Kai cringed as all the scents that the store contained filled his nose. Making his nose hurt, causing him to crinkle his nose. He shook his head before staying at the front of the store trying his best to avoid all the horrific scent that this store held. He watched as all of these people in such a closed space pretty much bumping elbows. Disgusting.

“You too man?” Kai turned his head to see another male only a few feet away. By the looks of him, he was in the same exact situation.

“I fucking hate people.”

~~~

“Wow this is so much fun!” You laugh as the man showed you his favorite places in all of the city.

“This....this is nice.” You smile genuinely at the man.

“It was, can I walk you home?” You were about to say sure but then you remembered that your ass was pretty much homeless now. Well shit. Kai had you in that room for so many months that you knew your lease with your landlord would have been broken. Pretty much gone.

“I-uh...I use to live with my boyfriend and then he kicked me out hehe...” Great now he was going to think you were some sort of -

“That’s too bad. I know a place where you could live. It’s a place where you can live there and stay until you get back onto your feet again.” The man smiled at you and you couldn’t help the tears of joy slide down your face. You hug him in desperation hoping it all wasn’t just some sick nightmare.

“This is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.” Tears drenched your face as you sniffle at bit.

“Hey I’m just doing what my father did to my mom.” The man chuckled. You couldn’t help the giggle that crept out of you as well.

[aajjks]

The CEO Series: Kim Seokjin

Disclaimer: This is a yandere reaction. It’ll contain obsessive behaviours, possessive behaviour, toxic behaviours, sexism, threats. DO NOT ROMANTACISE THIS BEHAVIOUR! Please keep in mind that this is purely fictional and I don’t think that Jin or any Bts member would ever act like this!

A/N: hi it’s your annoying writer back at it again. lol ok I know I’m cringey but pls ignore me and ALSO THIS HEADER ABOVE IS MADE BY A VERY SWEET ANGEL @callingholly! It’s so beautiful isn’t it? Also thank u once again angel! So the credit of the header above goes to her! Anyways! CAN I JUST SAY THAT IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CEO EDITION OF YANDERE BTS?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry for screaming lol! Pls share your thoughts on this! Enjoy!

Kim SeokJin. The name itself is powerful enough to make you tremble in fear. Not just you, but the whole cooperation.

He’s the epitome of power. While you, you’re the epitome of obedience. You weren’t like this. But your boss, mr. Kim hates brats. And you my my friend, learned it the hard way.

Kim SeokJin is a man of strict principles and priorities. His name is known worldwide( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he has everything, the looks, the fame, the money. He lives the ideal life of many.

He Belongs to a rich, well known family. The only make heir to the empire. He has seen everything. Girls, drugs. The two things that are the main reason of the worlds destruction.

This man has his fair share of one night stands. The girls die for him, even the boys. He’s just that majestic.

But he’s also a narcissist, egotistical asshole who thinks with either his huge ego or money, not his brain. He’s full of himself. He knows damn well that he’s worth billions of dollars.

Wait he owns billions of dollars. He can have everything, he already does. If there is anything Jin hates more than disrespect is unpunctualality.

And that’s the reason behind his reputation of the cold asshole boss, he had fired over fifty personal assistants of his. Both men and women.

They’re not worth of working for him, his billion dollar empire, to put it simply, they’re not worth of being present in his presence.

It’s not a peice if cake to impress the almighty Kim SeokJin. Yes he’s worth the name. He’s the dream.

And now, coming to you, you were hired by his past secretary. Yes, he wasn’t dumb enough to just leave without finding his replacement. Which is unluckily you!

You, the strong willed, soft kind of a person. You are the epitome of softness. You are all glitters and ashes. Yea that’s right.

Weird combination? Yes I know. But that’s just you honey. And if we’re being honest, your worst nightmare is Kim SeokJin.

Because you accidentally spilled your coffee on his 50,000 dollar suit. Which can pay your whole rent for the rest of your life.

And also yes, you’re broke. All the cliches are coming at your way Y/N.

So to put it lightly, you fear SeokJin. He can probably ruin you in a matter of seconds.

You luckily, impressed him. Which shocks me. It seriously does.

But the workload in you wasn’t really impressed by you. It could probably break your back. But what could you expect from a big cooperation.

Your hard work was seen by the one and only, Jin. And he saw you seriously for the first time.

Your soft skin, your creamy skin and your softness was having jins heart in a spiral. Your soft H/C locks were so pretty and eye catching.

The nervousness present in your eyes really pleases the devil, him. You ooojed so cute with your ears red and your frightened eyes.

You wanted to impress him. And that thought made his heart race like a teenage boy who had a huge crush.

And Jin knew that you were his crush, from the coffee incident, you were his coffee girl.

Jin had you in his mind captived for a long time. More like you had the man wrapped around your pretty fingers.

Jin was slowly becoming addicted to your presence, your hard work and your pretty smile.

You were perfect for him and his days were started with you and ended with your thoughts.

Let’s just say after the office meeting, you were highly favoured and everyone in the huge building saw that, expect for you.

Another cliché at your way ;) you used to be so stressed and worried but now, you were literally being treated like a senior manager.

You had a huge crush on your colleague, Kim Namjoon. The pretty boy with dimples and a tall height with a heart of child.

He guided you through everything. And took your heart away with his kindness.

And just like that SeokJin got to know and Kim Namjoon was fired. Pretty quickly.

Nobody could steal you from Jin, the huge crush developed into a sick infatuation of his. A dark storm of obsession.

Now to escalate everything, Jin fired you and made you his by force and his power.

He tried to be romantic and soft with you but you rejected him in his office when he proposed to you with a huge rock of diamond.

And you knew damn well that having him SeokJins ring in your finger was not good.

The obsessed crazy man obviously kidnapped you since your rejection and threatened your family.

Your worst nightmare finally came to life. Indeed money could buy anything and even love,

Your family sold you to the devil.

SeokJin won and you lost.

[gerrymike]

OK. commentary on my satg playlist. For reasons

lol it wont let me hyperlink but. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0w9pMZtOvP0plqdxT665q7?si=wEFnvdh3Rjaa0p2UX251mQ&dl_branch=1 Plug

1. PIEDMONT (DESTROY BOYS)

Looks like I'm late for the party Everyone knows the attire but me Glass walls separate us Catch a glimpse into different books On different shelves

i.e. teen crisis where u want desperately to live the same life as ppl on the street but also can’t imagine anything worse

2. SWEET ADELINE (ELLIOTT SMITH)

It's a picture-perfect evening and I'm staring down the sun Fully loaded, deaf and dumb and done Waiting for sedation to disconnect my head Or any situation where I'm better off than dead

i.e. she’s alive! is that worse or better. also jfc, you fucking hate hospitals

3. ALAMEDA (ELLIOTT SMITH)

You walk down Alameda  Shuffling your deck of trick cards over everyone Like some precious only son Face down, bow to the champion

also

Walk down Alameda  Brushing off the nightmares you wish Could plague me when I'm awake And now you see your first mistake  Was thinking that you could relate For one or two minutes she liked you But the fix is in

i.e. oops it’s two elliotts in a row, sorry. just. about the connection you can form with someone given just a short period of time, and how sometimes it gets ruined by, like, a werewolf. pretty similar to sweet adeline. mx weisglass gets two songs. plus “precious only son” 😬 “shuffling your deck of trick cards” 😬

4. CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS (IRON MAIDEN)

Give me the sense to wonder To wonder if I'm free Give me a sense of wonder To know I can be me Give me the strength to hold my head up Spit back in their face

i.e. for Me mostly because i think the whiplash from elliott to maiden is kinda funny. also the gerry VS twisty animosity, in over-the-top wizardy terms. sometimes you are full of hate and that’s OK 😬 

5. ICU (PHOEBE BRIDGERS)

If you're a work of art I'm standing too close I can see the brush strokes I hate your mom I hate it when she opens her mouth It's amazing to me How much you can say When you don't know  What you're talking about

and

I'll climb through the window again But right now it feels good not to stand Then I'll leave it wide open Let the dystopian morning light pour in

i.e. we’re back in london…and, well, yeah. also, song title! we’re still in sacramento, actually, spiritually, at this point in the story

6. CRY FOR JUDAS (THE MOUNTAIN GOATS)

Feel the storm every night Hope it passes by Hallucinate a shady grove where Judas went to die Unfurl the black velvet altar cloth Draw a white chalk Baphomet Mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get

i.e. crew. i think about him

7. IRIS (THE GOO GOO DOLLS)

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later, it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight

plus

And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

i.e. OK. OK. OK. yeah, OK. damn right all you can taste is this moment…yeah OK. SONGS5

8. KILL ALL YOUR FRIENDS (MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE)

It's been 8 bitter years since I've been seeing your face And you're walking away And I will die in this place

to

It's been 10 fucking years since I've been seeing your face round here And you're walking away And I will drown in the fear

i.e. ah…the lyrical differences in the chorus…yes…also i love how raucous this song is despite what it’s about. it’s got satg energy!!! “seeing your face”, of course, is not literal 😬

9. ENCHANTING GHOST (SUFJAN STEVENS)

Don't carry on carrying efforts, oh no, oh oh oh oh Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

and

Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed?

i.e. 😬😬😬

10. PAUL (BIG THIEF)

In the blossom of the months I was sure that I'd get driven off with thought So I swallowed all of it As I realized there was no one  Who could kiss away my shit

and PARTICULARLY

Well Paul, I know you said That you'd take me any way I came or went But I'll push you from my brain See, you're gentle baby I couldn't stay, I'd only bring you pain

i.e. HARROWING TERRITORY!!!

11. PITSELEH (ELLIOTT SMITH)

I'll tell you why I Don't wanna know where you are I gotta joke I've been dying to tell you

i.e. sorry. a lot of elliott smith on this playlist. thems the breaks

12. OPHELIA (THE LUMINEERS)

Oh, Ophelia You've been on my mind girl like a drug Oh, Ophelia Heaven help a fool who falls in love

i.e. callbacks to SONGS5…! and more pain

13. CLOUDS (BORNS)

I forget all my dreams I forget everyones name I meet I forget about time and space But I can't stop thinking 'bout your face

i.e. tfw your memory’s shit and also you just threw yourself into the sky and you’re still not over it. yowch!

14. ARCADE (DUNCAN LAWRENCE)

Oh, oh-oh-oh oh Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game

i.e. sorry i heard this song first in a c#tradora edit and i have never recovered.

15. WARS (OF MONSTERS AND MEN)

Yeah, I love you on the weekends But I'm careless and I'm wicked Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war I still have pieces of you stuck on me Pieces of you stuck on me Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war

i.e. PIECES OF YOU STUCK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the only song of the new omam i’ve heard. i never got around to listening to it. but this one slaps

16. MONTERO (LIL NAS X)

Lookin' at the table, all I see is weed and white Baby, you livin' the life, but baby, you ain't livin' right Cocaine and drinkin' with your friends You live in the dark, boy, I cannot pretend

AND

A sign of the times every time that I speak A dime and a nine, it was mine every week What a time, an incline, God was shinin' on me Now I can't leave And now I'm actin' hella elite

AND ESPECIALLY

I want that jet lag from fuckin' and flyin'

i.e. God i love this song. re: avatarhood. YOU CAN’T LEAVE!!! not saying it’s like being a celebrity, but it’s like being a celebrity. dual perspectives here with G + his morality regarding the person he loves being, uh, evil? (you live in the dark / i cannot pretend) and M + debt he owes to his god, erosion of his own morals. also, SHEER F*CKING VIBES

17. GEYSER (MITSKI)

You're my number one You're the one I want And you've turned down Every hand that has beckoned me to come

i.e. love songs that serve double as to your god and to your lover

18. THAT’S WHAT I LIKE (BRUNO MARS)

Jump in the Cadillac (Girl, let's put some miles on it) Anything you want (Just to put a smile on it) You deserve it baby, you deserve it all

i.e. this song is here because i say so. a real “sorry it’s been seven years let me make it up to you” vibe

19. RUN AWAY WITH ME (SUFJAN STEVENS)

And I say, love Come run away with me Sweet, falling remedy Come run away with me

i.e. more grand ridiculous propositions. more to come. but they’re born out of a real frustration with the situation at hand! it sucks! also, “falling remedy”,

20. LET’S GET MARRIED (BLEACHERS)

I'm gonna get right for you, honey I'll take all of my medicine, spend you all my money, yeah I know it's hard enough to love me But I woke up in a safe house singing, "Honey, let's get married"

i.e. bro.

21. I WILL (MITSKI)

And while you sleep I'll be scared So by the time you wake I'll be brave

i.e. a lot of these here are self explanatory..

22. ME & MY DOG (BOYGENIUS)

I had a fever Until I met you Now you make me cool

also

I never said I'd be all right Just thought I could hold myself together But I couldn't breathe, I went outside Don't know why I thought it'd be any better I'm fine now, it doesn't matter

i.e. title is significant. and yeah. just. recovery’s tricky

23. I FOUND (AMBER RUN)

And I've moved further than I thought I could But I missed you more than I thought I would

i.e. this is like a staple song for like. basically. any pairing. but i’m pathetic and it gets me every time. there’s something about it. not sure if i’m going to leave it on this playlist but. hm. yeah

OK that’s a wrap. highly likely i’ll put more songs on this as i go