#honestly this post was made to help me heal and accept myself. it was also made to apologize to miitwt.

[cilahax]

I've always struggled to accept my autism for my entire life.

From me constantly forgetting the name of it in elementary, to wanting to use the term @sburg3rs because I saw myself as "not to autistic", to constantly hating myself for my meltdowns, stims, shutdowns, etc.

I want to apologize for hating my autism in the past and using hurtful terms in the past.

To everyone who reads this post, you are valid. Autism, adhd, furry, otherkin, therian, queer, lgbtq+, Gaza, Palestinian, Ukraine, etc. Your struggles are valid, whether they are mental, social, or simply due to the world being a shit place. (Dni if you don't accept any of the above mentioned)

🧡♾️I'm autistic and proud ♾️🧡

"Werid" is the new normal, and it's valid. You are valid. ♡

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Ahh it's the last day of 2023 already?

I am expecting a call from a friend although the possibility of this happening is very slim it always felt nice to hear the voice of an old friend ( I'm not a text person I've realised this over time but I am stuck to be a text person) .

I can't wait for spring to come in 2024 , spring provides an intense amount of healing to my soul.

The next four months are very crucial in my life if they go well I can survive the rest of the year, I have died a couple of times this year and I am amazed that I am alive i didn't honestly thought i would make it to the end of this year ( especially in the last 3 months , I badly needed help but i didn't wanted others to pity me so i spoke to none about it ) anyways I don't want to talk about it , i don't want to make it sound blue than it already is,a i am really sorry about the fact all my posts are blue I sincerely wish it wasn't that way( altho i haven't posted anything here with as much as devotion I use to do , partly cuz i created an Instagram acc but that's not all reason I ve been sad nonetheless) and sorry for all the "anon/asks" that i haven't answered

I have made no achievements this year and there is little to no progress towards my self love or self growth, but I think that's okay I can do it in the upcoming year, time flies so quick i can't believe Its been so many years since I was 16 I miss being 16 honestly I had more in me back then than i have now , i have lost of confidence my vision and my smile over the years it's as if I am very different person now , i certainly wish I wasn't this way i really thought i would be so much more and better in my early 20s but it is what it is , acceptance is haredest of all emotions in my opinion , you know things are harder to accept when you know you could have done better .

Just like in the last 2 years even this year I didn't make any real life friends with whom I can hang out with i think it's partly due to the fact some people are destined to be alone and I am afraid to admit I am one of them , I did make 2 online friends this year .

I don't want to share any life lessons i learnt this year but if there is something i would love to share is choose yourself one more time each time you feel it's the last time you are doing it , choose one more time to live,one more time to hope, one more time to have faith , one more time to start again [ the fact I am the one telling you this is rediciculosly funny ] .

Unlike most people i don't have a lot of goals for the new year I just got things i want to avoid ( idk if that's the same thing?) Avoid my leftover heart's heartbreak, avoiding what takes away my peace, avoiding what can cause me discomfort, avoiding things that make me question myself ( in any negative way) ,i think that's a little too much but that's it .

As I was writing this Google photos sent me a notification saying " 3 years back today with a photo of mine " and it broke my heart a little, now I am questioning myself how did i let so much happen to me , I wish I treated certain things as the last time instead of always stupidly believing in future ( my worse trait yes).

There is a lot to say as always, i wonder if I open my mouth i would never stop sharing things that go inside my mind , but i also know there is no use of it if i can't find people who can understand it , maybe that's how I end up ranting here .

Not to mention I love people who are patient, i believe in the near future i would only like to talk with people who could be patient with me and with my silence . I believe everyone deserves people who can be patient with them .

Nothing really matters in the end but at the same time everything you do matters ❤️‍🩹

[prettyinpwn]

Hi PrettyinPwn! So, I wanted to ask you something, because I'm honestly lost and confused. Like, I know it's a dumb question, you don't even have to answer this ask if you don't want to, but could you help me understand the difference between Stan and Ford wanting to sail in the Stan o' War in the past and Stan and Ford sailing in the Stan-o'-War II in the present? One of the themes of Gravity Falls is about learning to let go and accept change and I want to know how it fits in this theme. At first I thought that they sailing in Stan-o'-War II in the present was a attempt of bring past to present by living a dream that is rooted in the past, which gives them an element of their past to hold on to and thus they can keep a part of their past in the present. But since the Pines learned to let go and accept change in the end of the show, I know that can't be that.

No, don't call it a dumb question; I think this is actually a great question to ask about the narrative (and one I've personally struggled with how to view myself).

You're 100% correct. It's odd that the narrative theme is about change and accepting it, yet the conclusion to the Stans' story is about returning to the past AKA holding onto the past.

When I think about it, this feels like a point where other themes and character arcs overrode or blend with this theme. Namely, the theme of healing family rifts, forgiveness, the conclusion of Stan and Ford's character arcs, and the beauty of the parallelism/juxtaposition of their story with Dipper and Mabel's.

As it pertains to Stan and Ford's character arcs, they had their own personal lessons to learn. Stan's was learning inherent worth and forgiving of self, in my opinion. Ford's was finding true acceptance/love for who he is (and by "true" I mean the honest kind that people like Stan and Fiddleford offered him that acknowledged his flaws but liked him anyway AKA selfless acceptance, not the selfish kind from people that just wanted to use him AKA Bill and his father to an extent).

So taking those two arc lessons, look at what Ford and Stan offer each other in the end: Ford asking Stan to go on an adventure with him is him subtly saying, "I forgive you and you have worth", and Stan accepting was him subtly saying, "I also forgive you and I still love/accept you". It's a return to the way they saw each other as kids. A key element here, too, is what Stan says to Ford when he first suggests the Stan-O-War idea when they're kids:

Ford is made fun of. Stan defends him from the bullies. And Ford says this (and from a writing standpoint, this is the part where the character states his need/want):

"But I am a freak. I just wonder if there's anywhere in the world where weirdos like me fit in."

And this is Stan's reply:

"Hey, chin up, buddy. Look. (He and Ford look at the sea) One of these days, you and me are gonna sail away from this dumb town. We'll hunt for treasure, get all the girls, and be an unstoppable team of adventurers."

If we break this down, it's basically Ford saying "I feel unaccepted and like an outcast" AKA his character wound and Stan saying "I accept you, you fit in with me, and I'll always stick with you".

So when they end up adventuring together at the end, it's them getting their character need. They're both the balm to each other's character wounds. That, and another thesis of Gravity Falls is that a Pines twin alone is their worst self, but together, they're at their best. I explored this in my post about Mabel's writing, but I think that's why Hirsch and crew wrote both sets of twins sticking together in the end.

A metaphor the fandom likes to use a lot with the Stans is D&D stats: Ford is high intelligence but abysmal wisdom, and Stan is high wisdom but lower intelligence. So alone... well, we saw it for ourselves. Ford alone is taken advantage of, isolated, lacking common sense, etc. Stan alone is depressed, a bit dumb (I say that affectionately but he wasn't good in school, we all know this), etc. Lo and behold: they have what the other doesn't, and their character arc resolution is realizing they need each other and have different strengths that help cover their own flaws.

So all in all, it's still the theme of change, because the Stans sticking together is a change from their status quo at that point (they'd been apart for decades). But it's the theme of change tempered with the value of still holding on to what matters. Like Dipper and Mabel: yeah, they're accepting change and the future, but they're also holding on to some things AKA each other. That's what the Stans failed to learn until they were older, what the niblings taught them, and what they rediscovered that they'd long lost.

So honestly, the theme of change really should be reworded to "accepting a good balance between the past and the future; you can't stop time, but you can still fondly hold onto parts of the past". Why? Because this theme in and of itself is a blend of both sets of twins: the future focus of Ford and Dipper wanting to follow their ambitions and grow up faster, and the past focus of Stan and Mabel wanting to cling on to the past and stop time (I mean, look at the metaphor of the perpetual motion machine and Stan breaking it; he wanted to stop time - a perpetual motion machine in real life - basically).

This new version of the theme reflects that both sides have a point, and both sides were slightly wrong: the narrative conclusion their characters help define is a blend of both arguments; compromise. And the Stan-O-War II is just that: holding onto the past as they sail into the future; compromise between the two viewpoints and characters.

I hope that answers your question! :D

[allsadnshit]

You made this post saying that girls who don’t have girl friends probably have wounds from their childhood and I just want you to know it’s helped so much. I’ve been close with guys basically since I was 16 and it’s a lot harder for me to connect to women and it makes me feel so bad that I’m looked at as a pick me and made to feel like a villain. You had such a compassionate perspective and it really helped me accept myself and better work on it.

That makes me really happy! I am going through that too! Even the girl friends I had growing up honestly had similar wounds and were very competitive with me (often without me even realizing it) and it has always been painful to feel bad around women. Healing my mother wound and inner child has led me to a lot of awareness around how I've tried to separate myself from women also because I was raised by men and even with the best intentions the men in my life definitely pushed negative narratives about women (ie talk too much, chick flicks are inherently bad, too emotional and clingy and annoying) so I felt I had to hide a lot of my "girlhood" interests and also probably resented girls who felt loud and proud in who they were and had really good connections with their moms. Also there's a lot unspoken social norms and expectations you miss cues for when you are isolated like that which makes it even harder to bond.

Sometimes when we watch reality tv, it might seem like a silly example, but my husband will see drama between women and genuinely not understand what's being said as a dig or dynamics that I can catch because I know intimately what it's like and it's very interesting to realize there's a lot of learned stuff you really can't just hop into or adjust to naturally unless you had it in your life in a healthy way!

Realizing girlhood is cool and magical and special has really helped me heal and recover lost parts of myself! A beautiful experience each day!

[aceseonghwa]

Exactly 731 days ago, on September 1st, 2022, I made one of the best decisions of my life: I chose to stan ATEEZ.

I had just started my freshman year in college. Funnily enough, I don't remember exactly what made me get into them. It may have been a reaction video, or perhaps a music video of theirs popped up on my recommended page -- the specific details are fuzzy. Regardless, I always like to say that the universe brought them to me. I wouldn't even consider myself as someone who believes in fate, but I can say with certainty that becoming an ATINY strangely just felt like it was bound to happen. ATEEZ came into my life when I was entering a new era -- adulthood. College was so new to me, and it was so overwhelming, nerve-wracking, and scary; but ATEEZ uplifted me, and kept me afloat. I have so many fond memories of staying up well until the early morning watching compilation videos of them and smiling and laughing until my cheeks hurt. I'll never forget slowly going through their entire discography and just being blown away by every single album, many songs moving me to tears because of the beautiful lyricism and instrumentals. I remember listening to THE WORLD EP 1: MOVEMENT for the first time and just thinking "where has this music been all my life?"

I fell in love with ATEEZ so rapidly; day after day, my love for them just continued to grow as I learned more about them. It was honestly a little surprising to me just how quickly it all happened. I can safely say that in my several years of being a k-pop fan, I have never fallen in love with a group so deeply and intensely. ATEEZ pulled me in with their amazing artistry and performance abilities, and when I discovered how sweet the members were, how kind and respectful and humble, I knew pretty early on that I would be an ATINY for a long time.

ATEEZ have gotten me through so many rough patches. Listening to their music heals me. Even just putting on a random YouTube live of theirs puts me at ease when I want to calm my mind down. It didn't even matter if there were no subs, just hearing their voices was enough for me. ATEEZ have also helped me grow as a person. Their acceptance and outspoken love for the queer community means the entire world to me as a queer person. They make me feel so safe and at home. I feel like I can truly trust them and that they are just genuinely good people. I have gained so much more confidence because of them in terms of expressing my queerness, my gender identity, and just my personality in general.

I also want to mention that not only has it officially been two years since becoming an ATINY but also since becoming a shinestar! To think that I have been biasing Park Seonghwa for 2 years now is unreal. I have so much that I want to thank him for, and I won't get into everything because then this letter would be longer than it already is, but I will say this. Thank you to Seonghwa for leaving a positive impact on my life. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I've been biasing you for 2 years now and I will continue to for a very long time. ❤

To end this very long post, I just wanna say thank you to ATEEZ for finding me when I really needed them ❤

I'm an ATINY today, tomorrow, yesterday, and forever.

[devoted-assassin]

Okay, I did promise a lyric breakdown of the WALL, so here’s one under the cut. I’m so normal about this song lmao

Ok first of all, this part.

Ichika has struggled with expressing her emotions clearly, whether that’s through her lyrics, words, or just on her face (the latter of which had led to many people painting her as cold and dismissive). She’s improved a lot in this aspect, though.

Next part:

Throughout middle school, Ichika was completely withdrawn. Honestly, it was probably her way of protecting herself. She had no interest in making new connections when she was still latching so hard onto the past, so instead, she stayed distant.

Pulse of the Meteor touches on this a bit with “my distorted way of defending myself” among other lyrics but that’s a whole seperate breakdown.

And nextly:

This part is referring to Ichika never letting go of Saki in the hospital, with Saki being named after the sky. Ichika embraced that friendship tightly, as it was the thing that helped them both kept going through all their issues.

Also, regarding twilight:

The twilight sky refers to Ichika herself, named after the stars. She could be considered one of the brightest stars, as she never completely lost faith in her friends, even after all the time being pushed away. She still tried to reunite, to be that navigating force.

Next:

The past left scars. Ichika’s personality was permanently changed by the constant rejections. Going from more impulsive, to more soft-spoken. That won’t ever fully be undone (though that’s not a bad thing, which I will touch on later).

Next:

Continuing that point, despite the pain from the past, she’s moving past it with her friends. Making music that resonates with others.

Next:

L/N will always be there for Ichika, whether she falters or not, and she’s come so far from who she was at the beginning (A+ character development).

Next, this part refers to her dynamic with Shiho (the sun) and Honami (the moon).

Despite thinking that she’d already tried everything that she could, despite thinking that she already lost them for good, she still wanted nothing more than to bridge the gap between them.

Next:

Despite everything that happened, Ichika is so truly happy now. She hated being alone, hated losing the others. But it’s okay now. They’ve all healed from the past. They can enjoy their present and future now.

Next:

It’s a very common theme in l/n stories that these guys are not made to be without each other. All four of them need to be together. 4 = 1, after all. They keeping moving forward because they have one another.

Next:

“The joy that nearly suffocates us,

And the countless walls towering over us,

All of it, all of it, is for the sake of this voice!”

The overwhelming happinesses, and all the challenges that they will face — it’s all because of their band, because of their bond together.

Next:

“In a sea of fog so deep it drowns you,

On days when you just want to curse yourself,

The strength of your eyes that had always been there,

It brings me so close to tears.”

Ichika’s talking about the others here; she views them as so strong, something that they don’t always see, and it inspires her so much. They’ve always beeen a motivating force for her.

Next:

“This overflowing tattered melody, this rhythm, and the blue scars inside them,

From this moment onwards, they'll continue to mix together.”

This verse changed a bit, because she accepted that the past happened. Ichika’s living with the memories, and growing stronger from them.

Her personality change wasn’t necessarily a bad thing either. Ichika from the past before everything wasn’t better than the Ichika from now. If anything, between her impulsive side coming back, and her more thoughtful side now, she has a lot of things that her childhood self did not have.

Ok, and that’s all. Format change, because there is a limit to how many pictures a post can have apparently, sorry lol, hope you enjoyed or at least didn’t hate!

[shroomwar]

SPOILER WARNING FOR TSATS

My personal opinion of TSATS that no one asked for-

I personally loved Nico and Will’s relationship throughout the story, it felt realistic considering their situation and their miscommunication seemed accurate as no relationship is going to be constantly perfect, though I do wish their conversations were a bit longer

I love Will but I feel like this book left a lot of things unanswered about him, like they wanted to follow up on a promise of development for him but weren’t exactly sure how to follow through, especially with a book so focused on Nico. If this story had lasted even 2 books instead of 1, there would have been more development possible

The first half of the book, I loved. The trogs, Menoetes, Gorgyra, all of it felt the closest to books with Nico and Will I’d read in the past. Once they got to Tartarus was around when I started noticing this weird feeling, like something wasn’t right. It wasn’t super in your face or anything, but there was more that caught me off guard

I say this in the most love filled way possible, but parts of the book felt like a tumblr post

I honestly don’t really get the whole ‘Nico’s out of character’ thing I see people saying. His change feels natural, a part of his healing as he learns to accept joy into his life and focus on being a teenager. If anything, the dumb references seemed exactly like him, just a side we haven’t gotten to see in a while

If anything, Will seemed the most out of character, which makes sense. He’s someone whose POV we haven’t seen before, stuck in a place which is bringing out parts of him that don’t usually show on a surface level. The Will that so many people had in their head before this book was seen through other eyes, and now people are acting disappointed that he’s not who they thought he was when we weren’t given enough information to form a fair original impression of him

The one thing that kind of grated on me in this book was, unfortunately, the gay stuff. Nico and Will’s relationship felt so natural in the past, it felt almost more supportive to have it treated so plainly, a simple fact that Nico and Will were dating, and that was that. And don’t get me wrong, I was all for more representation, and things like Piper’s partner being mentioned or just simply Nico and Will being together was incredible. But now it just seemed to be all over the place, and again, often when it was mentioned it felt like a tumblr post

Wtf was up with Hazel and Reyna?? You know?? His two living sister figures?? I appreciate that we finally got some closure on Bianca, but to see Nico barely mention the other two kind of bugged me

The trogs should get a mini book. I said what I said

Idk bout y’all but Bob calling solangelo his sun and his star was some of the cutest shit-

Wtf was Nico’s coming out though like it still felt like it wasn’t fully his decision, after Cupid it seemed a little weird not letting his coming out be a private moment with the people he trusted most

Kinda confused how Nico survived his first fall to Tartarus when he didn’t have shit to protect himself? And yet with Will they had to make a half pipe to survive. How did Nico not just become a pancake on impact?? <- genuine question, anyone got ideas??

I think part of what made this book just slightly off for me was the lack of other characters. Even when it was just Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus, there were more familiar monsters, new friends, and there were other characters chapters in between theirs. I think that was why the Underworld part of the book resonated with me more than the Tartarus part, there were more characters to help the book move more smoothly

Also, they were fighting against Nyx, who is literally night. I know maybe my expectations were too high, but I was kind of hoping for more of a clash between night and the child of the sun

Overall, I liked this book a lot and it helped me reconnect with a part of myself I hadn’t explored in a while, but there’s a lingering ache of disappointment that I didn’t love it. Whether it needed more books to come to its full potential, or I raised my expectations too high, I don’t know. I’m still happy to own the book, to have read the book, and maybe the remaining melancholy is just a feeling of having to let go of characters, but I’d say this book did at least give some closure to all the sadness Nico has been through. The book did market itself as a ‘Nico Di Angelo Adventure’ so it makes sense he got the most insight

[sadieshavingsex]

wow. been a few weeks since I’ve posted here. things have rapidly gotten better for me over the past few weeks to the point where I’m honestly kind of still waiting for the upper shoe to drop. I want to take a sec to tell about the major things that have finally clicked and helped.

i left a cut because it's a handful of paragraphs. lots of stuff about my relationship dynamics and evangelicalism and how they intertwine and what I've been learning, plus a resource I've been using that has really helped me with this

first off, I totally and finally cut off all means of common contact with my ex. he actually was the one to tell me to stop getting in touch, but I also was able to ensure that I blocked him on multiple accounts and (at least for now) will also not receive messages from heavily involved mutual friends/acquaintances/etc (this was a huge issue previously even after both of us had individually tried to stay out of touch with the other. Like people from his life just kept messaging me all the time as though nothing was wrong, which I think was a huge thing holding me back from effectively moving on).

I haven’t heard from the man or his family/friends or had to unwillingly be subjected to his face on socials for 3 ish weeks now and it has already made a world of difference. with actual distance from him I can clearly see why my most popular post is my most popular post. “IM TIRED OF FEELING PATHOLOGIZED IM TIRED OF PATHOLOGIZING MYSELF!” This was probably the most massive issue in the relationship. I had valid wants, needs, and ideas about what a relationship should and could be that he just couldn’t fulfill, and instead of simply leaving it be and letting him go for my own sanity, I gaslit myself (and sometimes let him gaslight me) into thinking that when my VERY VALID and often RELATIVELY BASIC wants and needs weren’t being addressed, I was “too needy” and there was something wrong with ME that could be fixed. And I tried to fix it for two fucking years - often by going to therapy, trying to find a diagnosis, reading a ton of self-help books, etc! Until a few weeks ago, when I suddenly came to this reframe that like, there are plenty of people who can meet me where I am with the kind of care I’m looking for and achieve basic relational goals for things like HONESTY, ENTHUSIASM, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, and beyond. Some of these were already a struggle from the start of the relationship with Sam and most got significantly worse as we stayed together for almost a year and a half. And continued to get worse even afterward as I tried to salvage a friendship or relationship or whatever I could with this person who was treating me generally pretty hurtfully, whether he meant to or not.

I can see how evangelicalism would play a huge role here, because the church very much used the rhetoric of “if you aren’t happy and fulfilled with what you’re being given (often mistreatment lol), YOU are the problem and need to try harder/renew your mind/be more faithful/etc”

what a whirlwind to come out the other side of this and say, SOMETIMES YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. I was trying so hard to “heal” and “fix myself” so that I could be a better, more accepting girlfriend and the reality is that MANY people would agree that the way Sam treated me was below the bar for what a healthy relationship should look like. I was trying to contort myself to feel happy and healthy within a dynamic that was simply bad for me! And a lot of the time Sam contributed heavily to it! But instead of thinking about what I want, need, and deserve in a relationship, I just thought about why I clearly was in the wrong and needed to “get help” to make it work. Here’s the lesson: I DONT NEED TO SETTLE OR BECOME SMALLER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!

I’m going to take a break from therapy for a little while this coming month and I think it will be good. The truth is that I was in a relationship that was super negative for me in many ways beyond the sex stuff I talked about on this blog, and I just didn’t leave and kept trying to do the majority of the lifting to make it work. I thought something was wrong with ME when the reality is that I am who I am and my needs and wants are valid and the SITUATION was just so wrong for me. The ocd therapist I’d started seeing said she thought the greatest exposure would be being myself and just doing me, and I think I agree.

For so long I was part of a religion where I had to use doublethink and make myself, my thoughts, my needs, my goals, and my wants small to make the situation make sense as a fruitful and fulfilling relationship. And that’s essentially what I just did, again, for a year and a half.

I think it’s time to validate myself big time. The things I want are really not crazy and can often easily be found if I know where to look. Yeah, I have some mental health issues, but many of them have been insanely exacerbated and blown out of regular proportion beyond belief by the relationships and situations I’ve found myself in and decided to remain in even though they were harmful, confusing, unfulfilling, etc. It’s time to take up space. It’s time to get what I want and not settle for less! Not to allow obvious red flags to even enter the picture. Just to enjoy my life for what it is and how happy I can be when I meet my needs and treat myself and invest in situations and relationships that lift me up rather than tearing me down. Thank you all for being with me through the past year and a half. I’m so excited and feel so good these recent days, it’s really almost unbelievable compared to how I felt around Sam, especially after he’d broken up with me but would still come around occasionally. I can post more soon about resources that have helped me during this time, but the biggest one currently is Erica Smith’s Sexual Values Workbook for Purity Culture Dropouts (which is actually on sale right now). It has opened my eyes to what really matters to me surrounding sex and allowed me to think really clearly about some of the dynamics in the relationship that were so off that I just couldn’t see, many of which came out through the distress around sex but were really far beyond it in terms of scope. I’m so happy to be doing this workbook while single and enjoying learning about myself without judgment. Can’t wait to keep you all updated as I go and grow❤️ all my love always

[platykool]

Heya clus - I hope you're keeping well! :D for the '3 things' ask (I've sent three in keeping with the theme!):

6. 3 characters that inspire you

9. 3 things you like doing on a rainy day

24. 3 places that makes you feel peaceful

Hi Sea !! I'm doing well thank you, how about you ?? Thanks for the asks ! :))

6. This one was so hard to answer fbkzbd mostly because I'm not sure I'm answering this right, I mean these characters inspired me but maybe not in the way the question implies it, but anyway, here they are :

The whole story of Pandora hearts and all the characters really marked me and inspired me a lot, this manga means so much to me ! I'll go with Gilbert for this, he's (I think) a fantastic character, very human and full of tenderness in a rather violent world. I thnik characters that are kind in a very clumsy and human way are my weak spot, and Gilbert's emotional, can be nervous and clumsy but is still so important to everyone else and I don't know I just love it. (when I first read it it made me feel so much better about myself haha)

the whole cast of bungo stray dogs honestly inspired me a LOT, but in the same way ; it made me want to succeed in portraying the characters through my drawings, and in fact, it's what gave me the courage to post my stuff on tumblr haha, so I owe a lot to this series. It also made me want to analyze certain characters in greater depth, to indulge more into series in general, but I can't pick only one character from it !! (But tbh it's mostly the DOA)

And I obviously can't answer this without speaking about Reigen and mp100 in general ! I think I watched it at the perfect time in my life. It is a series so dear to me I don't even know where to start, but sincerely, it's a heart-warming anime, so many touching and endearing characters with their flaws but who are full of humanity, a little (a lot) weird, and there's something fundamentally kind, gentle, soothing and an acceptance for others that's missing a lot these days I think, and it did me so much good to get into that world ! I'm having a really hard time finding the right words, but I love this series so much bdjvzd For me, Reigen is the character who best represents this whole feeling of humanity, full of flaws but so full of gentleness and good intentions, and all his talk about Mob's place in the world, and that we're all special on the same level in the end, that no one is above the others and that there's no point in trying to be "special" at all costs, because we already are by being ourselves, and that everything's going to be fine and it's such a healing point of view of the world that I desesperatly needed, so thank you a Reigen !!

9. First thing I do is running to my window to see if there's a storm coming or no, then I proceed to stand here and watch it (if there's one), and if there's no storm (-lame-) I still like to watch the rain approaching, and how people handle it ; sometimes it's very sudden, and since my apartment is above a large patch of grass where people come to rest I have a direct view on the panic slowly setting in lol, but honestly most of the time I just stay inside with a hot chocolate or a tea and I go on with my day !

Or if I've been outside in the rain I complain about being wet

24. Tricky one !! There's one specific place where I can feel really peaceful, and it's at my grandparents house. It is a big home a bit up in the mountains in the south, and there's no close neighbors, no city noises, just so much calm and sun and peace !! I like to go up there just to sit in the grass and bask in the sun like some kind of plant, petting the cats. And speaking of cats, it's not really a place but I feel peaceful whenever there's a cat purring in my lap or in my arms (especially if it's my old kitty cat), it is just the best feeling in the world and it helps forget everything bad that ever happened to you <3 and for the last place it's gonna sound weird I guess but whenever I start to feel very anxious in some sort of social setting I go to the bathroom/toilets just to calm down and it's mostly because no one is going to come annoy you in bathrooms lol, so yeah toilets are a peaceful place to me (and basically places where I am sure that no one will disturb me, where I can lock the door and be in peace)

[soulbondinghelp]

Revisiting this blog now that we have had time to grow and heal

Hey guys, I am the host for the people who used to post on here and I have recently decided to revisit this blog since I have seen some people talking about it again in a positive light. After reading through all of the posts on here, I have come to the realization that a lot of us (including and especially me) were kind of being assholes when we made this blog, even if our intentions were to help people and we did some small amount of good at the time with collecting resources and advice.

The bottom line is, we were judgemental dicks who tried to tell people how they should or shouldn’t handle their spirituality, something very important and close to the heart. Our impulsiveness and misguided desire to help others I feel like did a lot more harm than good. And the only thing to do about that is to apologize and promise to be better people as we try to move forward with our lives. I suffer from paranoia due to PTSD and when we are not on our meds I am an insufferably horrible person to be around.

I was constantly fighting and seeking drama without even realizing it because I thought it was normal. When every single day you get fifteen phonecalls that have people screaming at you/gaslighting you and you also grew up surrounded by family who would do similar things, fighting and lashing out becomes the norm because it’s all that you really know. In these situations, nothing can help you but yourself and taking the drastic actions you’re too scared to do in order to finally take your life back. I was an idiot and I thought that I was fine because I had a therapist and I was “getting help” when in reality, I wasn’t really being helped at all and I was just spiraling and spiraling into more denial because my therapist couldn’t really keep my abuser away from me and any progress I made in therapy was pretty much instantly undone the second my abuser tried to call me or sometimes break into my house uninvited. And it was a catch 22 because no one wanted to be around us for very long when we weren’t medicated and it was hard to find real support or connections for very long since we kept fucking it up in some way and none of the experimental “system rules” we came up with ever seemed to do any good with preventing it.

But that isn’t normal. And I shouldn’t have let myself or anyone in our system become this kind of person. I honestly kind of hate my past self even reading some of the things I wrote on here and typing out this post lol.

Also, I felt like we constantly had some invisible bar we had to reach to ever be accepted by anyone which is part of why we had such a unreasonably strict approach to this blog. When everyone leaves you because you are a toxic person to be around and you are aware that something is wrong but you don’t know what it is, it makes you try to people please in the desperate hope that it can make you less of a broken person.

So again, I want to apologize to everyone we hurt with this blog. We can act like adults now and we are in a much better place. We have mostly retired from the internet lately and I think this trend is probably going to continue since it is just better for our mental health when we don’t post things that thousands of strangers can see and be hurt by if we fuck it up. We have finally managed to cut our abuser out of our lives for good in a way where we can finally feel safe and not feel like someone is going to come after us at any time or stalk us even if it took years to do.

But I’m done with fighting people all the time because the truth is, it doesn’t help anyone in the end, especially not with online discourse. All it does it make things worse and get people hurt. Hell, I’m even done with the community itself because I can’t trust myself not to fall back into the same patterns and fuck it up again. From now on, we are going to put all of our newly found energy and time into becoming the best people we can be and just existing away from the online soulbonding community and most online communities in general.

No more people pleasing. No more being on edge all the time. No more blogs. No more telling people what they should or shouldn’t do or what is or isn’t going on. This is soulbonding. No one even knows wtf we are really dealing with or a lot of the hard gritty things behind why soulbonds are a thing in the first place. All we have is theories and our theories aren’t better or worse than other people’s theories. Even if people don’t see soulbonding the way we do, in the end that is no longer our business because soulbonding should be a personal thing that people should explore themselves.

So while reading through this blog, please take everything here with a grain of salt. Yes, there are bits of good or helpful information here, but some of us were assholes and I 100% admit that and want to not be one anymore.

[natsmagi]

ok i find this VERY good timing since u just posted the lil thing abt lesbian ntmg but i just wanna say that this past friday i finally accepted that i myself am a lesbian and i honestly owe so much of that to your femstars ntmg art....... seeing these characters i love so dearly being lesbians and being happy and in love made me so happy and idk i just !!!!! wanna say thank you for the lesbian ntmgs they always make my day :) ntmg lesbianism real!!!

WHATTTT OMG ANON!!!!! IM SO HAPPY FOR U!!!! CONGRATS ON THE SELF DISCOVERY 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕💕💕

that absolutely warms my heart tho awaawwa im glad my silly little self-indulgent art helped u in discovering urself :'))) more ppl should let loose and fully indulge in what makes them feel happy and seen!! as a lesbian myself drawing sapphic ntmgs has been soso joyous and healing and i think more people should just!! let themselves indulge!! its so much fun and also aids in figuring urself out!! i 100% recommend it!!

[shepfax]

Jan 15th - 11 days post-op

I don't think I need to do the journal daily anymore since I'm pretty good n stable, out of the narcotic zone and back to eating regular food!

today was pretty uncomfortable though. I forgot to take morning Tylenol and have had random aches throughout the day. yesterday my mom was unbelievably generous and got me a pair of Chelsea boots that I can pull on and off easier than bending over and lacing up my other boots which I really need for navigating the winter sludge. but at one point I tried on a size too small that took a lot of pulling and upper body movement to yank them on and off and it definitely hurt for a while. I can't wait til I can massage myself for some of these persistent aches but right now it's too sensitive still, with my sutures not healed yet and all this bruising.

the skin around my incisions is a little crabby for sure. it looks like I might be getting stretch marks directly under the incision which I really would rather not have there (even though I accept my stripes on other parts of my body) but hopefully the scar gel that I get to use a few months from now will help with those too. the skin is also very wrinkled and puckery right now but the NP said it would likely smooth out and relax as the swelling subsides and the sutures absorb.

honestly the majority of the pain is still related to my drain but I check it and it's clean + dry + not swollen so I think my body is just fed the fuck Up with having it there.

classes were originally going to start tomorrow but we have pretty intense snow & cold here so the campus is closed til Wednesday. yesterday my drain made <20mL and let me empty it for tonight then come back because if it made <20 again today then it would qualify to be removed tomorrow

...

alright, score, we only made 18mL today so I will call the surgeon's office tomorrow and hopefully I will not have to have these fucking Terrors in my skin on the first day of class. the output from the drains has been morbidly fascinating to watch honestly but I would love to just have this stuff out of sight and out of mind

[neon-junkie]

I’m posting a few thoughts and feelings here about my abuser, and the healing process.

It’s a slow process, far slower than I thought it’d be. Even now, 3 years free of him, I’m still healing. I have days when I feel incredible, where I feel fully healed and ready to take on another relationship. And then there are days when even the thought of someone having an interest in me can break me down to tears.

The first year was nothing but fear. I barely socialised. Thankfully, that year was spent during lockdown, and I honestly loved spending that time alone. I had all the time and space to heal, however I needed, whenever I needed. I spent that time watching films, gaming, crying, reorganising my living space; I did anything and everything to erase my abusers fingerprints from my apartment - my safe space.

Now, whilst I do feel ‘healed’ most of the time, I have moments where I see him. It’s weird, like a flashback, but in the moment. I could have a random person, a coworker, a friend, say or do something that was similar to what he would do, and in that moment, I’ll see him. My coworker once said a phrase that he often used, and I could picture him there, right in front of me, saying that crap to my face.

I know not everybody will agree with this, but out of all the healing methods that I’ve tried, spite has done the most to help me. It’s okay to hate someone, to loathe them, to despise them. Again, not everybody will agree with this, but I wish death on my abuser. How could you spend years on end abusing, harassing, manipulating someone, and expect to get off scot-free? Why is it acceptable for him to almost push me to the brink of suicide, but I can’t simply say “I wish that guy would drop dead”?

Spite has fuelled me. Spite is the thing that helps me heal. My abuser took everything from me, he broke me down until I was nothing but an empty void - no personality, no feelings, no interests, just a shell - and I have chosen to put myself back together, purely through spite.

I hope he loathes that I’m still here, existing, rebuilding, thriving without him. My grudge against him, my anger, my hatred, will be taken to the grave with me. I will never forgive him for the years of torture that he dumped on me, and why should I? I understand that some people do forgive those who wronged them, but people also need to understand that it’s okay NOT to do that. It’s okay to say, “no, fuck you. You did so much shit to me, and I’m never going to forgive you for it!”

Forgiveness is not a key for everyone. It’s not always going to take the weight off your shoulders, or heal the crack in your heart. For some people, it might make things worse. It’s best to do what YOU want. I remember doing a lot of digging on how to heal from an abusive relationship, and so many people suggested forgiveness. To this day, the thought makes me sick. If you can forgive your abuser, that’s fine! But I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to.

Another thing that’s really helped me is removing every single part of him from my life. And I don’t just mean deleting photos of us, we’re talking everything.

I have gone through my entire apartment, over and over, and removed every item that reminds me of him. Sure, I’ve had to remove a lot of nice items, but that’s because there are too many negative emotions tied in with them.

Some of my clothes, for example, are gorgeous, but as nice as they are, every time I even look at them, all I can think about is abusive memories from when I was wearing them. I wore a gorgeous dress for my 20th birthday, and I had to scrap that because that’s the night he first made me break down into tears, on my own fucking birthday! Another pair of heels I had to scrap because I struggled to run in them when I was trying to catch up to him after he stormed away from me over nothing. Stupid shit. STUPID, abusive shit, and I’m having to get rid of nice items because of his crap.

But not all is lost. I’ve taken this opportunity to rebuild my wardrobe, to pick things out that I know he’d hate, but I’ve always loved. I remember when I was getting ready for my 21st birthday, and I picked out a very skimpy dress. I was SO nervous (but excited) to wear it, and as soon as I showed him, his face dropped, and he said something along the lines of, “you’re really going out in that? you look like a cheap and desperate whore.”

So, I got changed into a turtleneck dress with long sleeves, and all he said to that was “much better.” I actually liked that dress too, but I also had to scrap that because of the memories attached to it.

And now I can dress however the fuck I want!! I love being revealing. Why would I not flex the body I was born with? I love (most of) myself, and my body confidence has especially grown over the years. Fuck, I deserve to look good, to dress good, to be happy in my own skin!!!!

I am totally rambling now, and hey, I deserve to. It’s been 3 years, three fucking years without that shitbag, and I will only continue to grow and heal. I refuse to take a step back. I refuse to fall back into his little traps. Through spite, I will flourish. I WILL come out on top of this, and one day, I’ll look into where he is, and I’ll thrive in knowing that he’s suffering. Karma comes to all, it balances everything out; whilst he is enjoying life right now, the scales will tip in my favour, and he’ll end up sad and miserable. All his years of being a piece of shit will come back to bite him in the ass, and I can’t wait to sit back and enjoy the show!

[vizthedatum]

Happy, healing, and panicked.

Meeting over, I calmly walk outside of the building… turn the corner, and clutch the wall and my chest.

Don’t panic.

Okay maybe panic a little bit.

Breath. Breath. Silent scream. Clutch. Clench. Release. Breathe… breathe.

I made a personal (including some work stuff) list during the meeting - I’m so fucking excited. So what if I can’t do certain things… I know I can still learn and achieve what I want to do.

Fuck, I maybe need that autism diagnosis. My psychiatrist is still helping me decide. But the fucking stigma. And… the fear of undesirability. And so what if I’m a social person with an education?! And I will probably need that letter about my PTSD. And file for disability again.

My colleague called me her best friend at work. But why?! Lmao?!

Oh right - right. I can do my job. And I’m helping her with her project. And I’m nice, I guess. And she’s basically the main person who uses my pronouns. People trust me? Fuck. Right. I trained for this. And I’m not even in my full power - and I can still do this job.

I need a big-ass they/them pin for work. Maybe something that says I’m a very feminine trans man. Maybe something that says I can do both and everything in between. Maybe something that says - you don’t have to understand, just accept - it’s my place to understand who I am, and I’ll simply show you.

I told my enby girlfriend this morning: I will not accept disrespect from anyone, even you.

She wholeheartedly agreed. I love her so much. I know I can tell her anything. Even when I’m paranoid about her. It’s so freeing. We are figuring out our six month date - I’m letting her decide how and when. It doesn’t matter, but it does too - I love celebrations but I know that I’m glad she’s in my life for however long that may be. I joked that maybe it’s when we first became Facebook friends because that’s when I was entranced by them so many years ago. Even if we break up or change the nature of our relationship - damn, it’s peaceful to just have been and to be. I am so proud of them every day. And it felt right to have her in my new space and she loved it *beams*.

I need to have some hard conversations with people. I am embracing what polyamory means to me based on my natural inclinations from around when I hit puberty - I am deconstructing and going back to who I am. I must be true to myself or I will suffer needlessly - I cannot let that happen again. I will not.

I have a lot of love to give, but no one is entitled to it.

I have a lot of knowledge and insight, but I need not judge myself for my varying levels of productivity or my body’s reactions to this plane of existence.

Oh my god - I am so excited to have the lightbulbs my friend got me installed and my new showerhead.

Fuck I have to tell one of my personal physicians (and now colleague) what’s been going on with me… next week. Didn’t I just do this? Oh right that was with my obgyn who is also now my colleague. What is life.

And now I’m gonna get cigarettes and collaborate out a plan for a homeless trans woman - and I honestly don’t know what to do or how I can help in a way that matters because transness, dissociative alters, trauma, addiction, a lack of resources, a big age gap, and… fucking life are incredibly challenging.

Upcoming blog post about all the triggers that happened during my in-person meeting at the hospital where no one (including me) is masking (physical mask, not behavioral mask) upcoming!

Thank god for AC.

[flwrwtr841]

Basic versus Alternative

Hello everybody... Today's vlog post will be about basic versus alternative style. I am going to express my thoughts about this topic in my post.

But first, I want to say that this blog is sort of an old school, journal style blog. I just post my thoughts as if it were a journal entry, or an old school diary. I write casually, in a flow. I am hoping someday I can start fleshing out my writing more and start working on a longer work, such as a book.

Anyways... alternative versus basic. When I think of basic, I think of the messy bun girl, pumpkin spice latte, lulu lemon-loving, type of girl. Alt...well usually that makes me think more of goth, thrift store, creative type of style. I've truly fell into both categories in extremes. At this point I like to be a mix or medium of them both.

At one point in my life, I went to starbucks every single day. One of my favorite colors was mint green and pastel pink. I liked wearing pastels and denim. White was also one of my favorite colors to wear. I wore little tan ankle boots, little black ankle healed boots, and cute leather flats. I had golden honey highlights and when I drove around during sunset, I always had on girly big chunky sunnies. I wore my hair in soft pretty waves. I always made sure my skin looked clear with a perfectly matched foundation. I wore neutral pink lipsticks, mascara, and some brow gel. I wore orange-y peach blush. I liked going on hikes on the weekends. I would go to brunch on weekends with my besties. I had never dyed my hair, I kept my hair natural as possible. I was polite to everyone I encountered. Always said my please, and thank you. I was as friendly and welcoming to others, as I could most of the time. I was willing to listen to and talk to just about everyone. I was pleasant and happy to be around for the most part. I kept my concerns and worries to myself. I responded to all my messages, emails and calls. I was a lot of fun and everyone wanted to be my friend. Of course I kept up with my hygiene, kept up with doctor appointments and always tried to be my best.

Then eventually, I think I got sick of it all. Taxed maybe. Just exhausted and honestly neglected a deep part of myself. A piece of myself that wasn't always the same as everybody else and wasn't always welcoming and a helping hand. A piece of me that really needed healing and attention. My entire wardrobe turned black. My never touched, virgin hair became died, cut and destroyed. I began thrifting all my clothes. My goals changed. I didn't feel obligated to respond to everybody, please everybody, and make everybody comfortable all the time. I was really focused on myself and also helping people in real ways through my actions. I didn't care as much about expensive things, or getting the most money. I was okay with depending on others. I was more accepting of others and sensitive to peoples and my own feelings. I was more supportive of others. Received much less attention. I was extremely experimental and creative with my style, including my hair, makeup, nails and clothing. I would wear all different styles, and was completely repulsed by basic skinny jeans or even things fitting what is considered "well". I wanted everything to look alt, and different.

Well where am I at now... I find either labels very limiting. I like being basic because I like having friends and I like fitting in. I also think basic style is usually very pretty! I like being alt, because I like to be able to express myself in a more individual unique way at times. I like to do things different than everybody sometimes. I like being creative. I like feeling free to be whoever I want to be, basic or alt. Happiness is freedom and I think if we do not learn how to balance these labels or principles within ourselves we may begin to limit ourselves and loose our freedom and ability to express ourselves fully.

Labels are generally very limiting and damaging. I think we should strive to understand others and ourselves more deeply than just a single word. Of course labels and words are helpful in categorizing, communicating and organizing our thoughts but when it comes to something as complex as a person or human...We should strive to think more deeply who a person is. Our experiences, background, culture, places we have lived, friends, family, work, education and much more can contribute to who we are and how we express ourselves. We can't just label a girl or person as basic, and wash out all other aspects of a person. I mean, come on. But also being so alt and different can be isolating and make it difficult to connect with people or everyone. That's why it's important to not limit people down to labels. We are going to neglect some side of someone's story.

In the end, we should all have fun with our style. It's okay to drink a pumpkin spice latte, wear skinny jeans with a white tee, but also wear some grungy loose jeans and leather chokers the next day. It's about being yourself, being authentic, respecting others differences and being free to be whoever you want to be.

[goodfully]

long time no post.. life updates? grad school really is kicking my butt</3 i finished up my first year tho and am currently taking classes over the summer semester as well. i'm trying to pick myself back up and be more alive again, but it has been difficult honestly hahaha

it's funny bc halfway through last semester, i thought i had to drop out of grad school or else i was going to kms, but here i am still in school and still alive! also ofc with all the protests more recently (free palestine!), i think i was just so drained of everything. on the other hand, i'm happy with the papers i had written in my classes and i just submitted one of them to a philosophy and education conference, i really hope it gets accepted... i also just paid my overdue housing fees and tuition for the summer semester.. LOL help

readings updates? i read milton's "paradise lost" over last semester for a class and it was absolutely brilliant honestly. genuinely i need to read the bible LOL anyway i had started reading iris murdoch's "the black prince" but i haven't been able to continue reading past the nussbaum's intro since my classes started again. i also really desperately want to read steinbeck's "east of eden" hahaha but i only have time to read stuff i have to read for classes. i imagine that i wont be able to finish reading dostoyevsky's "the idiot" and tolstoy's "anna karenina" either until after i graduate... it makes me a little bit sad, i wish i had more time. i guess that's why i haven't posted anything here either, since the reason i made a tumblr account in the first place last year was to ramble about "the brothers karamazov" and "my brilliant friend" and i havent read a single book for fun this year so far</3

admittedly, i've been feeling sooo alone..! one of the things on my summer bucket list is to start seeing a therapist but i still cant get myself to do it hahaha i dont think theres anything a therapist could say to me that i havent already thought about to myself. i think what i actually need is get diagnosed, is it autism or personality issues or ocd..? but what do i know, right! regardless.. i'm also just so busy with my jobs and with my classes and with resting by self isolating in all the times between.

hmm i've gotten five more piercings since the start of the year and i've been somewhat keeping track of time based on when i got my piercings and when i'll get my next one... i don't know what this means but it's just been a little concern of mine that i can't seem to ground myself unless i can feel a part of my body "healing"...

also.. happy pride! global queer liberation! ahh, happy pride to fellow aroace ppl! haha thats another thing ive come to terms with recently. as far as my "summer bucket list" goes besides potentially seeing a therapist, i'd like to kiss somebody, get my hair dyed, get more piercings haha, go to a club wearing just a binder and a mini skirt, get back into learning calc and sketching..! alright, i think that's all for life updates here... tbh this is probably more for me to vent hahaha all the best wishes