#honestly right now the only time I DON’T feel anxious is when I’m fixing my dolls

[evansbby]

vent part 4

[cigarettesaftersae]

Homesick 07 - you're here, that's the thing

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ Series: sae x f!reader | childhoodlovers!au

Stuck in a small town near the coast with a previous crush on a boy who returns after years

Week 1 - Monday

So here you are, situated across the seat from Sae again. Same small restaurant, even the same waitress, same icy gaze fixed on you except it’s Monday. You felt as if yesterday was Monday.

“So, do you have any hobbies?”

“I practice my pass for a few hours.”

“I mean, beside soccer? Do you like drawing? or reading?”

“Reading is fine.”

“Really? What books do you like to read?” It’s almost as if you were talking to a wall. He’ll warm up right?

“Margaret Atwood”

“That is the last thing I thought you might even read.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sae rises an eyebrow at you

“Nothing! I love Margaret Atwood. She’s a wonderful writer.” Your defensive mechanism actives, your hands slightly in the air like he was a police officer

“You’re a writer” he mentions with an almost unreadable expression—curiosity, skepticism, or maybe mild amusement? You couldn’t tell.

“That I am,” you confirm, sitting up a bit straighter. “Why? Do I not seem like one?”

“No, you do,” he says, pausing to take a sip of water. “Writers usually talk a lot.”

You blink, caught between being mildly offended and intrigued. “Well, excuse me for trying to have a conversation. It’s not every day someone admits they read Margaret Atwood.”

“Do you think I just kick a ball around all day?” His eyebrow quirks again, a subtle challenge in his tone.

“Honestly? Kind of,” you reply without missing a beat. The corner of his mouth twitches—was that a smile? Almost. “So, are we talking The Handmaid’s Tale or Oryx and Crake?”

He leans back, crossing his arms. “Cat’s Eye. It’s a good portrayal of memory and rivalry. Realistic.”

“Wow, you’re full of surprises,” you say, genuinely impressed. “Maybe I’ll lend you one of my stories sometime.”

“You think I’d read them?”

“I mean, if you’re quoting Margaret Atwood, there’s hope,” you tease.

For the first time that evening, his gaze softens just slightly. “Maybe.”

It’s not much, but you’ll take it. The ice was thinner now. Perhaps by Thursday It’ll be better.

Week 1 - Thursday

‘I have to cancel today’s lunch, I have too many reports to finish I’m sorry, next Monday is my treat. All of it (;_;)’ Your thumb hovers over the send button, nervous and anxious how he’d react to this. With a quick swipe, you hesitantly hit send. Life loves being rough on you, only now did you just start getting along with Sae but your class by the last minute just had to upload an assignment by which was due tonight.

Your phone buzzes almost instantly. His reply is blunt: “You could’ve just said no earlier.”

The words make you wince, and you stare at the screen for a moment, unsure how to respond. You type out several drafts of a reply—apologies, justifications, even something defensive—but none feel quite right. Finally, you settle on a simple, “I didn’t know until this morning. Sorry.”

The message goes unanswered for hours, leaving a heavy pit in your stomach. Was he actually upset? You try to focus on your assignment, but the tension keeps nagging at you. You replay the past few days in your head, wondering if canceling lunch was enough to undo the tentative progress you’d made with him.

By evening, you’re half-convinced you’ve ruined everything when your phone buzzes again. The message is short, almost indifferent: “Don’t forget Monday.”

Relief floods through you, though his detached tone lingers in your mind. Was this his way of brushing things off, or was there still some lingering irritation? You decide not to press your luck, resolving to make next Monday’s lunch worth it. For now, you focus on finishing your assignment, the weight of his words slowly fading but not entirely gone.

Week 2 - Monday

By the time you arrive at the small restaurant, Sae is already seated, his usual calm demeanor in place as he scrolls through his phone. The sight eases some of your nerves, though the memory of his curt response on Thursday still lingers in your mind.

You slide into the seat across from him, offering a tentative smile. “Hey, sorry if I kept you waiting.”

“You’re on time,” he replies, setting his phone down. His tone is neutral, but there’s something about the way he studies you for a moment that makes you feel…seen.

The waitress appears with the menus, but Sae waves her off. “We’ll have the lunch set,” he says simply, glancing at you for confirmation. You nod, grateful he remembered your preference.

As the meal arrives, Sae seems quieter than usual—not cold, but thoughtful.

As the meal winds down, Sae surprises you by lingering over his tea, glancing out the window. Usually, he’s the first to signal the end of lunch, but today, he seems content to let the moment stretch a little longer.

“I wasn’t upset about Thursday,” he says suddenly, catching you off guard. “I just don’t like last-minute changes.”

The admission is so uncharacteristic that it takes you a second to respond. “I figured,” you say softly. “Still, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you.”

He nods, as if accepting your apology, then stands. “Next time, don’t cancel.”

There’s no heat in his words, just a quiet assurance that surprises you. As he walks to the counter to pay, you can’t help but feel that, in his own way, this was his version of an apology too.

Week 2 - Tuesday

The doorbell rings, and you rush over to greet the customer, only to find Sae standing there.

“Sae, I thought you were off today?” you ask, blinking in surprise.

“I am. I have practice in a few hours,” he replies evenly. “I wanted a cup of coffee.”

“No sugar, but cream, right?” you say, recalling his usual order.

He nods, his gaze steady on you. “You remembered.”

You laugh lightly as you step behind the counter to prepare his coffee. “It’s not that hard. You’re one of the few who keeps it simple.” As you work, the silence stretches, but it doesn’t feel awkward. When you hand him the cup, he takes it, his fingers brushing yours briefly.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice softer than usual. He doesn’t leave immediately, instead leaning against the counter as if debating whether to say more. “Did you need anything else?” You question with a soft smile

“No”

You nod, feeling like there’s more beneath his words. Before you can press further, he straightens, giving you a small nod. “See you later.”

And just like that, he’s gone, leaving you with the faint impression that these small, fleeting moments with him mean more than he lets on.

Week 2 - Thursday

The world is blanketed in white glitter snow, the cold bits your nose, leaves your toes frozen and numbly cold. You know what else the cold gives you? Coughing, sneezing, running noses even worse a stuffy nose so you can’t breathe in your new candle scent, Gingerbread Cookie by the way. You remembered Sae’s words “Next time, don’t cancel” and yet you break that forbidden promise with much guilt. You open the messages app, look for his name which pops up instantly. Forgive me.

‘I may or may not have to cancel today’ send

read. (instantly)

‘why’

‘I got really sick (；-◞౪◟-) ‘

‘and you might have to cover for me on Tuesday’

‘I’m coming over, Maria’s sending me to give you some food.’

You spring out of bed in a panic, your heart racing. You glance at yourself in the mirror and cringe—what a mess! You're wearing dinosaur pajamas, and you didn't even bother to brush your teeth this morning. You told yourself it was fine because you were feeling sick and needed the extra sleep. Without realizing it, you leave the text on read as you rush to get ready. You quickly brush your teeth, comb your hair, and apply a touch of pink chapstick, hoping it'll make you look less like you've just rolled out of a grave.

As you’re finishing up, there's a knock at the door. Your stomach does a nervous flip—why does the idea of seeing him in person always leave you on edge? You quickly wipe your hands on your shirt and rush to the door, trying to act as if you’ve got everything together, even though you definitely don’t.

When you open it, there he is—Sae, standing with a paper bag in one hand and an expression that could only be described as slightly amused. The cool air from outside drifts in, and you realize just how freezing it is, but it hardly seems to phase him.

“Maria said you needed some food.” He holds out the bag, his eyes scanning your appearance.

You force a smile, trying to play it off. “I appreciate it. Seriously, you didn’t have to.”

“I did. You’re not going to get better if you don’t eat,” he replies, his tone surprisingly firm. It’s strange, but you almost feel… cared for? His eyes soften as you take the bag from him. “You should rest more, not worry about lunch.”

“Yeah, I know…” You mutter, unsure whether to invite him in or just thank him and let him go. “How’s your practice going?”

“It’s fine. It’s always fine,” he says with a casual shrug, clearly not wanting to get into specifics.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure you’re a pro at this point,” you tease, hoping to lighten the mood. “Thanks again for bringing this over.”

“Are you alone?” Sae presses, his gaze a little sharper now, like he's trying to figure something out. His usual cool demeanor is tinged with a hint of concern—or is it curiosity?

You blink, thrown off guard. “Yeah, I’m alone. Why?” you ask, trying to mask the unease in your voice.

He doesn’t immediately answer, just tilts his head slightly, as if weighing your words. His eyes flicker around the room, noting the quiet atmosphere before landing back on you. “Don’t think I care or anything, Maria asked me.”

You stare at him for a moment, caught off guard by the sudden shift. “Maria asked you?” you repeat, still processing what just happened. He doesn't wait for you to finish your sentence, stepping past you and into the room like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Yeah, she’s worried. Said you’re too stubborn to take care of yourself,” Sae replies nonchalantly, as he slips off his shoes and places them neatly by the door. It’s like he’s done this a thousand times before, walking into someone’s house with little regard for personal boundaries.

You blink, slightly overwhelmed by his confidence. “You don’t have to—”

“Relax,” he interrupts, cutting you off. “I’m just making sure you don’t collapse from being too sick to notice.” He sets the paper bag down on the kitchen counter, then starts looking around like he’s deciding where to place it. You’re frozen, caught between the shock of his boldness and the odd feeling that he’s genuinely trying to help.

He notices your hesitation and finally glances back at you, raising an eyebrow. “You got a problem with me being here?”

“Uh, no,” you stammer, still processing. “I just wasn’t expecting... this.”

“Whats your symptoms?” Sae ask going straight into questioning

“Uh, I have a fever and stuffy nose sometimes it’s runny— it’s in between and my throat kind of hurts, oh and a really bad headache…” Sae nods as you rattle off your symptoms, his expression serious, almost clinical as if he’s trying to diagnose you himself. “Sounds like you’re not just dealing with a simple cold,” he mutters, stepping over to the counter where you’ve left a few medicine bottles. His eyes scan the labels quickly before he looks back at you. “You’ve been taking anything for it?”

You nod, rubbing your forehead. “Yeah, I’ve been taking some cold meds, but they’re not really helping much. I think I might need something stronger.”

“Probably,” Sae agrees, clearly not impressed by the half-hearted attempt. He walks to the kitchen, his gaze never leaving you as if he’s assessing whether you’ll collapse at any moment. “Sit down,” he commands.

You blink, a little thrown by his sudden authority, but you obey, sitting down on the couch. Sae’s movements are efficient as he starts pulling things out of the paper bag he brought earlier. He places a thermos on the table, some kind of herbal tea, and a small packet of tissues.

“Don’t argue,” he says, catching your eye before you can protest. “Drink the tea. It’ll help with the throat and headache.”

You hesitate but follow his orders. “Since when did you become doctor?

“I took care of my brother when he was sick like this.” You grow quiet, every time the topic of his brother was brought up you noticed the atmosphere would change. “You must love him”

His eyes are looking away from you, and his mouth seems to not nudge a sound. “You should rest.” He says

“No.” You reject quickly.

“Can you not be stubborn? I came all the way here.”

“Its just… I get scary dreams when I’m sick. Last time I had a dream where food was trying to eat me.”

“Go” Sae's command is firm, and for a moment, you hesitate, caught between your reluctance to admit vulnerability and the strange sense of calm that his presence seems to bring. You open your mouth to argue, but something about the way he’s looking at you—his sharp gaze softened by a hint of concern—makes you stop.

"Go to bed," he repeats, his tone unwavering. “I’m not leaving until you rest.”

You sigh, knowing you’ve lost this battle. The last thing you want is to talk more about your dreams, but you can’t help the feeling that Sae’s insistence is rooted in something deeper. Still, you let the conversation drop, reluctantly standing up from the couch and heading to your room.

Sae follows behind, still watching you carefully. The room feels a little warmer, more comforting than it did before. The silence between you two is thick, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s just... different. You crawled under the covers, gaining more warmth like it was heaven’s light. Sae slowly steps out till he heard his name called “Sae?…Thank you.” You mumble with an opia

“Can you…stay? Till I’m asleep?” Sae breaths through his nose, exhaling. He pulls a chair and sits it near you. As you close your eyes, nostalgia creeps in your brain, You can almost hear your mama’s lullaby hushing you asleep. Nights like these remind you when mama took care of you, her gentle hand smoothing your head. Before you knew it, small snores leave your mouth.

chapters

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happy holidays(づ￣ ³￣)づ❤

[legolasbadass]

Italian Holiday, Part III

Summary: A few weeks before Richard leaves for Boston, he and Lorelei go on holiday in Italy to make the most of the summer and the time they have left together.

This story takes between the penultimate and last chapter of Office Hours and contains major spoilers for that story, so make sure you read it first!

Relationship: Richard Armitage x OC (Professor AU)

Word Count: 1.3K

Rating: T

I am sitting on the balcony, wearing shorts and one of Richard’s t-shirts, my knees tucked under my chin, when he finally returns to me. His hair is still wet and unruly from the shower, and his white shirt clings in places to his damp skin, but none of that is as enticing to me as it usually would be. Right now, I can only watch his face, which is still clouded in frustration and hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” I say hesitantly, my voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that. I didn’t mean to.” 

Richard remains silent, his eyes fixed on some dehydrated potted plant in the corner of the balcony. 

“I’ve just been so stressed lately. You know what the pressure is like, especially when you’re just starting out. And you’re right—I do need a break. I desperately need a break. But when I allow myself one, I just start to feel like I’m at risk of falling behind and missing out on opportunities, and I can’t afford that. I mean, even when I’m giving my research my full attention, it doesn’t always turn out the way I want it, like with this paper…” 

“What paper?” he asks, and I look up, almost surprised to hear his voice after his unbearable silence. 

“I submitted a paper for this edited collection on maps in contemporary fantasy, but it got rejected. I just got the email about it today.” 

Understanding dawns on Richard, and his eyes soften as he takes a seat next to me. “I didn’t even know you’d submitted a piece for that.” 

“Well… at first, I didn’t tell you because you were so busy preparing for Boston. We were both so busy. And then I started to feel more anxious about it as time went on but… I don’t know… you already had so much on your plate—I didn’t want to bring this up when it’s so minuscule compared to you working with Stanley Griffin.” 

“Sweetheart… you have to tell me these things. I want you to tell me—no matter how busy I might be.”

“I know—I’m sorry,” I sigh, running a hand through my messy hair. “Honestly, I feel so stupid for not telling you after making such a big deal out of us needing to share everything with each other.” 

He reaches out to gently squeeze my thigh. “I just want to be there for you, like you’ve been there for me,” he says softly. “I would hate to think you’re not sharing things with me because you think I’m too busy.” 

“You’ve never made me feel like that, Richard, I mean it. You’re always so supportive,” I hasten to reassure him, and his shoulders slump in evident relief. “This was all in my head and—and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll talk more. Because I really don’t like it when we fight, and you don’t deserve me snapping at you like that.” 

He offers me a soft, crooked smile. “I don’t like it when we fight, either.” 

I smile back at him hesitantly, the tightness in my chest slowly dissipating. Then he lets go of my thigh and, leaning back into his chair, opens his arms in invitation. 

“Come here.” 

My smile widens as I eagerly take refuge in his awaiting arms. Once I am comfortably settled on his lap, he wraps his arms around me and presses a series of tender kisses into my hair as I rest my head on his chest, comforted by the steady beating of his heart and the smell of rosemary and sandalwood from the soap he is so fond of. We remain in this embrace for a long while, basking in the sun’s rays. In the streets below, the city is alive with tourists and locals enjoying the warm summer evening, the gentle hum of their voices and laughter rising up to us, blending with the distant sound of music. But up here, it is just the two of us, sitting in comfortable silence, wrapped around each other. As it should be. 

“Do you want me to just keep holding you or can I offer my opinion on the situation?” Richard eventually asks. 

I pull away from him just enough to meet his eyes. “Your opinion?” I respond, raising a hand to brush one rebellious strand of hair away from his forehead. 

“I really do think you deserve a break. I know how stressful those first few years after you get your PhD are, especially when you’re trying to secure a permanent post at a university. But overworking yourself will just hurt you more in the end. And, sweetheart, you’ve accomplished so much in the past year alone. You started working at Exeter, your first monograph was published, and you organized an incredibly successful conference, at which you also presented an amazing paper. I didn’t even do half that the year after I got my PhD, and I turned out alright, didn’t I?” 

I chuckle, feeling so grateful to have him by my side, yet still unable to completely shake off the knot in my chest. 

Sensing my discomfort, Richard presses a tender kiss onto my temple. “What’s really worrying you?” 

I take a deep breath as I snuggle deeper into his embrace. “I just… sometimes I worry—what if I don’t get offered a permanent post at Exeter? What will happen with us then?” 

“Oh, sweetheart…” he breathes out, squeezing me tight. “Firstly, I think, if somehow, the college were to not offer you a permanent post, they would be making a terrible mistake, and it would make me question if it was really the right place for me,” he says playfully, causing me to chuckle. “Secondly, I think, if it came to that—which I really doubt it will—then we will just figure it out. We’ll make it work just like we’ll make this year apart work.” 

“Really?” 

He offers me a tender smile. “Really. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m quite mad about you, so trust me, I’ll do everything to ensure I get to kiss you, hug you, and make you smile and laugh every day.”

I smile, his tender, honest words, combined with the love shining in his eyes, making my heart swell tenfold. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” he responds before kissing me softly.

“No, I love you more,” I whisper against his lips, giggling. 

 “I fear this could go on for quite some time,” Richard chuckles as he pulls back, gazing lovingly into my eyes. “How about we just have dinner here tonight?”

“I’d like that.” 

“I could go to the shop and get some ingredients while you take a shower.” 

“You take such good care of me,” I say as I press a lingering kiss onto his bearded cheek, feeling so much happier than I was earlier. 

After exchanging a few more kisses, I stand up, glancing at the pastel-coloured houses on the other side of the street as I stretch, but before I can open the French doors leading inside, Richard rests a hand on my back, urging me to turn around. 

“I don’t remember packing that t-shirt,” he says with a frown, clearly amused.

I bite my lower lip. “Oh, er, I brought it, actually. In my own suitcase.” 

“Oh?” 

“Well, you see, I knew I would end up borrowing a t-shirt from you to sleep in, but I wasn’t sure if you would think to account for that when calculating how many t-shirts to bring, and I also didn’t want you to use up your limited luggage space with clothes I would be wearing so…” 

Richard laughs before leaning in to capture my lips in a deep, languid kiss, and all I can do is wrap my arms around him, the sparks he ignites in me letting me forget about the strain in my neck from tilting my head up so much. 

“Have I mentioned how much I love you?” he muses after we pull apart eons later, breathless, our cheeks warm and our lips slightly swollen as we stand under the golden evening sun. 

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[drippingmoon]

Merry new year to everyone, again! 🥳💞🥂

I know it wasn’t an event this year, but writing a yearly wrap-up is really therapeutic, you know? So I decided to continue the tradition, and if anyone wants to join me, absolutely view this as an open invitation^^ Introduction is over, and now let’s see what 2023 looked like:

(spoilers: I adored it. I'm also probably going to make this my fixed post, in case anyone ever wants to catch up with me. And also because my second baby, AoS, is growing, and it doesn't have an intro, but I can't leave it out.)

Stats

Aquiver, Aglow: 181k (draft 4) + 195k (draft 5) + hmm, draft 6 is an outlier, because I didn’t rewrite from scratch, so I’m unsure of the written word count. I didn’t change much from draft 5, so I’d say an extra 15-20k. Total word count: 376k+

Remains of a Night: 120k 

Aberration of Sunlight: 134k

This was definitely my most productive year to date. And I got so hungry: the more I wrote, the more I just wanted to keep writing, and honestly? I’m proudest of myself for literally carving writing time whenever I got a spot into my schedule. Mostly it was from 8pm-11pm, but I had a mad run where my only free window was from 1am till I literally felt I was dying… I’ll talk about that separately🤣🤣👌

Though, I'm seriously understating it.

Like a lot of other people, I would have all these hours when I was younger when I didn't have anything to do, yet I'd still find some excuse not to write. "I'm waiting for the right time." "I'm anxious I'm not going to get it right." "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I can start right from the morning, and I'll have more time to write, yeah?" or "I'm too tired now, it's late..." and so the snowball rolled down and downhill and I found every reason under the sun not to write, now that I think about it. Sigh. So much time wasted. But I can't regret it either, because I needed those baby steps at that time.

And now! Now I do what I thought I'd never learn to: I prioritize, and I actually organize my daily stuff so it's not so impossible anymore to have a little bit of writing time. I don't take it for granted either. It feels like such character growth for me, I'm immensely proud of it.

And for the record? This year was a huge improvement over yesteryear mentally, too. It turns out, what I needed to get over my word count anxiety… was to be faced with people who literally didn’t give a fuck about it, and just cared about the story. One of the most unexpected things beta stage managed to do to me… was to quench all my anxieties. It’s as simple as that. I read and enjoy very long books. People also do that. So, I’m very happy to say I’m no longer in a tizzy about ‘quiv. It might kill my chances for trad publishing, it might not. I’ll be happy come what may.

Because it’s so simple how working on ‘quiv or thinking about it makes me joyous, and now I can just enjoy that freely. I will miss writing this story so much. I really will. But at least I’ll have it forever to reread, and I hope this thought brings comfort to everyone who also has problems letting go, like it does to me.

Let’s break it down a little, shall we?🤩

Aquiver, Aglow◇◇◇

My little star of the hour. How fond I am of it.

Like you could glean from above, ‘quiv went through three drafts this year. More specifically: in the first part of the year, practically almost as soon as February arrived. I knew it was getting closer to the final version, and gave me the push to finish all three back to back. I couldn’t justify anymore the bazillion AUs I do with rewrites (basically, WHAT IFs from events, WHAT IF it went this different way, WHAT IF Tyrone actually said this here… and so on and so forth. I wanted to test out as many pathways as possible, and did I exhaust every one of them in existence? Definitely not. I don’t think that can happen, you just keep getting new ideas. On and on. What happened, instead, is that these couple different pathways, at some point, cemented themselves as canon in my mind. I didn’t want to tease myself with alternatives anymore, and that’s when I knew they would be it. Some bits from the first draft, some from the third, some from the second. Some were even draft 6 originals!

It’s a bit of a weird process. I definitely didn’t need to reach draft 3, and meet Mezusa, because I could’ve feasibly made it work with just Yles in the story. It still would’ve made sense, though in a different way. But if I hadn’t… I might’ve missed one of the best characters I’ll ever probably have created, and the story (and Yles) is much stronger for her, if you ask me. 

For that matter, yes, full rewrites every single draft might take a lot of time and effort, but honestly I don’t think I’d ever change my writing process (save for the moments of frustration when I think I will lol) because of the sheer satisfaction of it. Whoever said so long never to settle on the first version, I owe you a beer and probably some curses as well lmao, but very lovingly. You shaped my writing life.

I don’t have much else to share about ‘quiv, other than it’s off with my beta readers my beloved, and maybe a tentative promise that, if anyone wants, you’ll be able to read this precious ball of hope of mine relatively soon. This story is so gentle to me. And as much as I loved to write and work on it, I dearly hope that whoever decides to give it a go, is treated just the same. That’s the only wish I have.

I also don’t know if I’ll go trad or self-published. Instincts say trad, because I fuckin’ suck at marketing (fact), and I know I’d grow resentful if I’d have to put so many hours into advertising when I know I could instead… write. I’m a writer. That’s the only thing I know how to do. Trad, however, might not be as kind on a ~200k as life’s been, so I might not have a choice. If it comes down to that… I’ll just treat it as I do everything. I don't love this story any less if I just write, publish without a fuss, hope that maybe, just maybe, a reader or two will stumble upon the story and we could talk. Maybe we can have the fun of our lives, create some genuine connection. I know that’s applies to a lot of writers. I hope we can accomplish it.

And so, I’ll finish this section of the wrap-up with a kiss to my ‘quiv, for all the warmth it’s ever brought me. It’s come so far, I know it can live distinct from me from now on. It brings me great comfort. And I look forward to the times I’ll reread it, and we can relive our best experiences together. Never thought I’d get to this point. Thank you, ‘quiv.

Remains of a Night♤♤♤

Mwhahaha! And because ‘quiv took all the pressure, this left AoS to be an extremely fun and spirited experience. Literally the chillest I’ve ever been writing. In many ways, it’s more my thing than I expected ‘quiv to be: I get to murder characters left and right, it’s more plot-heavy and banking on the tension created by a creature that horrifies the characters down to their marrow, but still the only way to defeat it is to know it better, which, uh, might have unpleasant consequences for them. It’s got chase and stealth scenes, and it always shoots me with adrenaline to think about them. In short, exactly my jam.

It’s not a new book, nope. You knew it before as Aberration of Sunlight, but from the get-go I felt it would be bigger than ‘quiv. Very fortunately for me, I had a place where to break it, and behold: there’s RoaN (book 1), and AoS (book 2). There might be a third book, which I dearly hope not because titling sucks, but it depends on the Sycamine arc. More on that in AoS.

One last thing to note, before we delve into the story (hoo-ray for earlier drafts, because I can talk more frankly about them). This is the culprit of my 1am writing adventures!!😫❤ My schedule became too packed, then NaNo came round and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to honor how AoS began, because it was last year’s NaNo, aaand I’m happy to say I won NaNo, somehow, with 56k down before I died. At that time, I only had one section left to write (from both books), otherwise, hahahaha, yeah, it wouldn’t have flown. Still, most of draft 2 I’d written in September-October, with my fairy lights, late nights, and cups of hot cocoa, exactly like how life should be<3

Alright. We’re going through them chapter-by-chapter again, exactly because I love seeing the titles so much:

ACT 1

Cracked Visor, Scorpion Grass

I did it! I did! Twas another shower thought I managed to get down in time. Bare broken sentences, but they did the impossible, and arranged this chapter into a structure I adore to bits and won't ever change. (And 'quiv's naughty voice left me alone for once and I could write it properly!) While I don't think I'll ever be happy with a first chapter (not as a concept, but the writing — part of me will always wish that the reader just had all the information already lol), this one is in the right place.

It pays its respects to the story of the broken helmet at the foot of a spaceship, and how it reconnects Madigan with all the people who'd suffered from being tethered to the planets when they yearned to fly, but the Beast punished them cruelly for it. It makes him feel phantoms of their efforts. The tone is exactly what I needed this story to start from: melancholy and numbly hopeless, against the backdrop of the Beasts's echoed cries.

Rain Through the Universe

Unlike 'quiv, because RoaN and AoS are way more plot-heavy, it's not as easy to change things willy-nilly (whereas 'quiv was all about character bonds and dynamics). As such, it's very similar to draft 1. Because of that, I'll frankendraft next (select and combine drafts 1 and 2, rewrite to connect them) and afterwards I'll try something I've always wanted to. (Scrivener keeps hinting at it!) I'm gonna split the chapters into scenes, and focus on those individually and how I can just rewrite them and set their purpose in stone<3 I'm excited!

As for the chapter itself, gods, I love the atmosphere. Just the wreckage of a sundered ship, and Madigan’s sudden madman appearance making a lasting impression on Spica, because how could it not. They no longer answer distress calls in that age, it just means more dead bodies. In fact, they're forbidden to. Madigan instead brings him what he himself lacks: hope. And a lot of crawling around while dreading the Beast's lambent eye opening, and oh my, the moments are really flying by😈👏 extreme fun for me as the writer.

Aberration of Light

If you remember, the books follow two timelines, which will connect at some point. The first and main one is Madigan and Spica’s story. The other is Holloway’s, in the distant past of that universe, and who’s been dubbed the most selfish man in existence. That’s important, because of how the Beast came to be. But that becomes important later. For now, a weird-ass new recruit has joined the ship, and the witchy crew will very soon start making bets if she’s the Beast in human flesh, which really wouldn’t bode well for their future.

Night Falls On Their Reflection

Draft 2 became Spica’s draft. It was high time. He didn't exist in the original idea beyond chapter 2, but he refused to die with his story untold. And now he's one of the most independent thinkers I've ever written. Now he's Madigan's son (yes, even at 25), best friend, back-to-back partner all in one, and I could watch the trust and mutual respect between these two forever. To be sure: Madigan comes up with the dumbass plans, and Spica's only too happy to follow him through everything (it is good fun.)

He's repaying the incredible kindness Madigan's shown him when answering his distress call, after all.

But it goes a bit further than that, doesn't it? Madigan is used to watching over myriad people. He's the Superintendent of his planet, and while he genuinely loves people, kindness is his default. It doesn't go further than that for him. He doesn't necessarily think people need, much less desire his presence there beyond Madigan extending help, and most of the time, he's content with that. Kindness does make him happy. And it should be the same with Spica now, shouldn't it? He's kind, but he's not Spica's family, nor ever will be. Yet he immediately feels a connection with the boy, that has nothing to do with bonding over escaping-a-cosmic-disaster. And so does Spica.

This is the moment when Madigan starts feeling guilty, for stepping where he should not. But here's the beauty of Spica's character: he's nothing if not dead sure of his own feelings, and what he sees with his eyes. It's okay if Madigan keeps unexpectedly taking steps back. For very long, there'd been nobody to support Spica's beliefs. So he does the same, as when he followed his heart to go into dead space: he believes in himself and Madigan, and that their paths aren't meant to diverge. They mean too much to each other for that to ever happen.

(In short, and legend says you can still hear me screeching about these two ten thousand years later, I love these two so much, and especially the parallels between Spica going alone into outer space and loving Madigan.)

(And, okay, obviously all these developments don't happen in a single chapter, but I couldn't stop gushing🤭🥰.)

Who Puts These Tombs in Ice

Overall, I think draft 2’s Luitgart performed worse than draft 1. Mainly it's the setting I want to revert (still an icy, sempiternally dark hell, but with different ice constructions) because some of the beats are a huge improvement, and again, I gotta combine the two. Otherwise, I’m still as obsessed about the Luitgart arc as I’ve ever been, and huge thanks to it for being so strong it could function as an ending of its own, allowing me to split the book.

Gettin’ into spoilery territory, but I have to un-kill Madigan so many times it leaves me in hysterics. That was what I was supposed to fix this draft. It got worse. Considerably.

(One constant: the chapter being a love letter to Madigan, and how his first answer will always be to help the other, no matter if they deserve it or not<3 and finally, finally, he gets acknowledged for it, and the favor returned.)

ACT 2

Lemon-Dotted Days + Remnant

Two Holloway chapters! I’m actually massively pleased with how they’ve turned out. Last year, I said the main issue was that I had an outline, and that never works for me. So I did what I do best and rewrote everything from scratch, and the result is both uncanny and… unexpected.

Unexpected, because I never in my life thought Holloway’s voice would make me laugh so much. He’s supposed to be unsympathetic, but then you get his interactions with Saintlark (the new crewmate, possibly Beast) where they’re contemplating the harvest of a nebula, and he’s harshly critical of it, which gives Saintlark hope… only to go deadpan One Moment Later: if they’d used the nebula to prolong their lives instead of bolstering the war, they wouldn’t have died like clown idiots. 

And, they could’ve maybe stolen immortality from the nebula. They would've had to share it with him, of course. Or he would've murdered them to get it.

That, my guys, is his personality in a nutshell.

I have a lot of feelings on Holloway now, and most involve me huffing and slapping my forehead while groaning, but oh my gods. Was it ever so fun. And wait, wait, wait. Since I'm talking of humor (apparently a lot of comedy fit into this horror lmfao) I have to show you guys the following section🤣🤣👏:

Corpse Snow

The drifters are set howling on the ice. They share glances, five separate vehicles nodding at each other. Madigan revs up the engine, splitting the air with a jet of steam and vibration.

The last of the marines are climbing into the box. A figure flashes past Madigan’s drifter — and he leans over, teeth grinding because of his ribs, and he does his very best to grab someone by the back of their suit and pull. Workout days were never his strength, though. He only succeeds in stopping them in the frost smoke.

It’s Spica dangling from his hand, expressionless.

Lieutenant Hahn instantly seizes on the situation. He throws Madigan a long, withering look. “Whatcha doing, Boss?” he asks softly, about to unhinge his jaw again.

Madigan nudges Spica into the drifter. “Picking up your boy.”

Spica gets the hint and deposits himself into the front seat, glancing from his father to his Superintendent. He seems to give up on whatever’s going on, and makes himself cozy in the frosty spot. And Madigan, of course, pretends not to notice Hahn’s drifter sliding closer.

“And you didn’t consider I might want to have my son with me?”

Madigan looks up and sighs. “Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant,” he starts pleadingly. “Why won’t you show some leniency to a poor, wounded man?”

Hahn’s drifter stops, summoning a breeze across the icy floor that gently rocks the other vehicle. His breathing distorts the comms with static. “And what exactly is my son right now?”

“My trusty navigator,” Madigan answers easily.

“Sir’s emotional walking stick?” Spica pipes in at the same time.

They both look over. Spica’s quietly turned to the navigation, as serene as daylight, seemingly oblivious to how Madigan's expression changes, lightning-fast. He quickly hides it under the guise of a polite mask, as the marines stir and turn their attention on them. They’re snickering.

Lieutenant Hahn throws up his hands, giving up on everything.

This is also the first 30k chapter I’ve ever written. It's everything I've ever wanted to do with ice.

Heart of the Void

The end of the book. Originally, it was the ending section to Corpse Snow, but since it already got so ungodly long, I chipped off that bit and I have to say I’m very happy with how it works as an epilogue! So it ends the frosty, weary journey, and I can’t see the two books as separate yet, but here we bid goodbye to the first.

Aberration of Sunlight♧♧♧

I did the unthinkable and created a fifth arc. This might not seem like much to you, but I was screaming bloody murder you guys😭😭😭. Sigh. It’s so sigh. For so long, AoS consisted of four clear-cut acts, but it was necessary. With the introduction of Sycamine, and making it two books, it was just needed. It’s still one of the worst things I’ve ever done because I was used to four😃💔

(The chapters continue from where RoaN left off – from chapter 10, to 21.)

ACT 3

Retro Spectrum

Sycamine, oh Sycamine. Definitely the break I needed before Days in Darkness. It made for a really neat beginning. It’s calmer, focusing on the knowledge they have on the Beast. It’s also a reflection on Procyon (their main star) and the story of the two straggler dog constellations, and what they'd been running away from. I liked the direction it took. It veered away from the Beast for a bit, so the tension kept expanding in the background. And when it returns, well... maybe they shouldn't have been so eager to see it again🤭.

It suffers from the same syndrome as draft 1’s first chapter… it’s there in the vicinity of the idea, but too much to the left. Not bad for a first attempt. The setting annoys me – I really don't enjoy writing cities, and AoS didn't change that. So, for our next try, I was thinking... maybe we don't need to be on the planet, but up close and veeery personal with it. It's a secret❤.

And, oh gods. I put a moustache-twirling villain in this. And then I couldn’t stop myself from naming some sucker Sweetman Calories. I don’t know what happened to me during those days, but I’m crying🤣🤣🤣.

Toast to the Light

Holloway and Saintlark’s story is slowly coming to an end. Unexpectedly bleaker than draft 1, yet it feels much more sincere. Holloway has a way of saying everything Saintlark needs to hear. No surprise. They did that to themselves.

Dissonant Recognition

Ahhhh, the Madigan-is-slowly-losing-his-grip-on-reality chapter, or maybe he should really stop staring into the suns. One of my favorites<3 Also because it features Moren (!!!) who has a blast staying in the grey morality area, because she doesn’t know if her actions could ever matter, or if she could change anything. Does she just exist? Is she a player or just pawn? Who knows. Besides that, she gets along great with Spica. They form such a teasing duo, the level of mutual respect they felt for each other on sight was a delight to write. My favorite ally of theirs, even if her destiny lies elsewhere.

Night Beneath the Elevator

Best title hands down, dethroning Solgesis. I’m going batshit crazy about the visuals, it's exactly my thing. This half-light slanted over an elevator waiting in a rundown basement to be boarded. And there's something underneath it, and always has been. Something insidiously creeping up and waving its tendril fingers at you as you're just waiting for the fucking thing to ascend. Immaculate, guys, I'm telling you, and I'm cursing my hands because I can't make a wallpaper of this. I want to eat that atmosphere.

Time-sensitive missions, y'all.

And why the heck did nobody inform me I was going to add Command as an actual character and have them talk with Madigan?! That entire convo, made up entirely on the spot but somehow with a direction, made me realize what an idiot I’d been for not doing it sooner. They mean so much to Madigan, after all.

(And Mariya. So much Mariya in these chapters.)

ACT 4

Loop System

Like Who Puts These Tombs in Ice, draft 1 might’ve done it better. Not Spica and Madigan, though, because of the sheer development Spica’s been through and the dynamic he’s managed to form with the crew. It's different from Madigan’s, but similar enough that it’s got Hahn commenting lightly: [Spica’s] picked up quite a few habits from Madigan, hasn’t he? Almost as if they’ve gotten very very close, huh? How about Madigan tell him more?

(I adore writing Hahn.)

Outreach

Another Holloway chapter. Doesn’t have the punch of the kids subplot from draft 1, but this just makes it worse for Saintlark personally, because, this time, the consequences are on her.

Days in Darkness

I knew the moment I first got the idea this would be my favorite chapter. Well, it finally happened in draft 2: when the entire crew is here, this time, and ready for the final countdown, to relive the experience of being trapped in a ship that's disintegrating. No more heroes left behind. I'd been so tired writing this chapter in draft 1, but this time around it was incredible. Everything went up sharply from here, both in terms of events and how on fire I was.

(Maybe less than the gorgon, but I was.)

ACT 5

Echo Terminal

The first of the two log chapters.

I've never written smoother, more visual chapters than in this period. Days in Darkness changed me so much, I was writing day and night by this point and couldn't get enough. Well, I hit my limit in the second half of the very last chapter, but I am beyond satisfied. Even the Beast's metamorphosis took me by storm, because I'd been wondering what the final verbs, the final images, the final design for it was going to be. I didn't expect it to come to me this early, and with such thrill. Those were my very best days of the year, and I toast to them.

(And I knew it was going to be fantastic when Halo's Warthog Run OST started blaring in my head, with as much adrenaline.)

Where, Now? + Solgesis

My beloved. The second and last of the two log chapters, but it’s Noelle Saintlark’s log.

Holloway’s timeline ends here. Or maybe it just gets carried into the future. I thought I’d want to rewrite his parts again, make the plot just a tiny bit more psychedelic and nonsensical because it’s so close to the Beast… but Solgesis put all my fears to rest. Even the formatting and layout is a bit of that special thing I’ve always wanted to try, and it really changes the perspective of the previous chapters. There's a new confession that stands at the heart of Holloway's stories.

Honestly, the only thing that needs urgent working on is the anger at the end of the chapter.

Anger is so hard for me to write sometimes. Not because I don’t connect with it, but because I feel self-conscious writing it. The wildest I felt it was when I tackled 'quiv's chapter 3 and Imera's Turning speech, both in quick succession (before I'd even written draft 1. I'd been taking notes.) Since then... I just thing back to how keenly I'd felt that anger, and I kind of intimidate myself out of it. Kind of like a natural resistence, I quench it from myself. Which is actually hilarious when you think about it. It’s like I’m going I BANISH THEE FROM MY BRAIN because generally, as a person, I dislike feeling and operating on anger. But no worries. I’m going to find a way around it.

Watch me😎.

What Goes Around…

(Now it’s the time for me to start crying some rivers, and, alright, it won’t be visible so I’ll say it: the chapter titles are holding a conversation, guys. They speak to each other. And sometimes it’s both sides of the same coin, like how What Goes Around (comes around) hints here. If you take two chapters, one from the beginning and one from the end (for example 1 and 21) it'll tell you a little secret. Okay, What Goes Around and Rain Through the Universe communicate through their plot, which I can’t spoil but of course it has to do with Madigan and Spica and how they first meet… but there is one title pair that does it best visibly. 

Lemon-Dotted Days and Days in Darkness.

And I hadn’t even planned this. All the parallels I wanted to draw… I feel like they built themselves, guys. They really did, and it makes me so wildly happy I don’t even know how to stop my hands from flailing.

And, with them being 21 chapters, they meet in the middle, on the one unpaired chapter.

Called Toast to the Light.

I friggin’ love everything.

New Sunrise, Forget-Me-Right

Of course, Forget-Me-Right is a play on Scorpion Grass. But it’s also such a gentle name for the chapter, because everything ends here. Lying on their backs, staring out into the universe, and it really, really is over. Just a dark horizon on which stars flare and bloom. And suddenly, that maddened rush to make every sacrifice count, to remember every soul they’ve encountered because the legend says the Beast absorbs you when it kills you – all that suffocating pressure dissipates. Lightness remains. Because they’ve protected each other.

For the first time in my writing journey, blood rushed to my head with such emotion I had to stop writing, which never happens. I had to look up and exclaim, holy fuck. But how could I not, considering how the story ends for the Beast? I am speechless. A lot of gorgeous surprises this draft.

Conclusion□●□

Whew, what a year it's been! As for how 2024 will probably look like, though I don't like making plans: finishing the beta stage for 'quiv, and tackling RoaN and AoS's draft 3. Thaaaat one I'm actually starting on Christmas, when I can (finally!!) reread draft 2 with my mug of hot cocoa (or maybe mulled wine for a change) and, no surprises here, I'm hyper stoked for that<3 <3 <3 I legit can't wait to see where the new draft brings them. I might not have set any expectations for them, but they're vying to keep up with 'quiv and I adore it🤭❤

As for my lovely friends... well, you know by how I spam your tags how much I adore you and wish you happiness forever🤩🥺🥳 I don't know what my activity will look like in the near future, so for now I won't be saying anything, and my semi-hiatus continues. Semi, because you're unforgettable and I crave to see what everyone's been up to and (!!!!) what you've written!

So let's meet in 2024 again, and all the best wishes to you, the reader🥰🥂❤.

[honeyjars-sims]

2.7 Opening Up

Lexie: It’s too bad we got assigned to set design for the first production, but at least we’ll be able to hang out together. 

Johnny: Yeah, it looks like most of the acting roles went to the juniors and seniors. Maybe next year we’ll have better luck.

Lexie: Well, the semester’s just getting started. Who knows what will happen. We could impress them with our sick acting skills and get the leads next time. 

Johnny: [laughing] I support your delusional optimism! Oh, I almost forgot…my mom wanted me to tell you hi and that she enjoyed meeting you.

Lexie: Hmm, that’s nice of her. I guess let her know I said hi as well.

Johnny: [teasingly] You’re not going to say it was nice to meet her too?

Lexie: No comment.

Johnny: I don’t blame you! Honestly, it went better than I was expecting.

Lexie: Really? That's kind of sad.

Johnny: Yeah, unfortunately, that was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mom. 

Lexie: Well, it really bothered me how she was speaking about you. I kept trying to change the subject, but she’d always end up making some snarky little comment. 

Johnny: I’m used to it, I guess. The thing is, if I’d called her out she’d say I was overreacting. In the past, I would’ve believed her, but now…not so much.

Lexie: Good, because she’s wrong about you. I can’t imagine how it affected you to hear that as a child, or even now.

Johnny: [sighs] I wish I could say that was the worst thing I had to deal with as a kid, but it wasn’t by a long shot. If you don’t mind, I think I’m ready to talk to you about it.

Lexie: Of course. You can tell me anything. Let's go somewhere more private.

TW: The dialogue below includes discussion of child abuse and drug abuse (not graphic but please use your own discretion if this topic is triggering to you).

Johnny: It wasn’t just my mom who treated me badly. It was also her husband, Jimmy. I refuse to call him my stepdad because he wasn’t any kind of parent to me. He was way worse, though. With my mom it’s this kind of passive aggressive backhanded shit, but Jimmy? He was full-on aggressive. Not just with his words, either. 

Lexie: Oh my God, he hurt you? Johnny, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad.

Johnny: Yeah, it was pretty awful. I started having nightmares and I was anxious all the time. I tried to talk to my mom about it, but I was too scared to tell her what was really going on so she thought I was just being dramatic. 

Lexie: Geez, I can’t imagine my parents just brushing me off like that. You must have been terrified.

Johnny: I was. It only got worse when my mom started doing drugs. By that time I was old enough to start fighting back and all the blame fell on me. Jimmy almost convinced mom to send me to military school but then my dads got custody of me and Chantal.

Lexie: Thank God for your dads! 

Johnny: For real, I’m so grateful for them. It’s weird, though…whenever a kid gets away from their abusive family, everyone expects them to be happy about it. No one ever talks about all the mixed emotions. I knew I was better off with my dads, but I still thought about the good times I had with my mom. It was hard to leave her.

Lexie: I think I understand more why you’re still trying to work things out with her. It sounds like the whole situation was really traumatic for you.

Johnny: Yeah, even when I wasn’t talking to her I always had this feeling of “what if?” Like maybe there is a way to fix everything and make it go away.

Lexie: Some things can’t be fixed, no matter how hard you try. I don’t know if your relationship with your mom is one of them, but I hope you’ll recognize when it’s time to let go if it comes to that.

Johnny: I think I will. I’m going to give it more time, but I’m starting to feel like…like I deserve better. I didn’t feel that way before.

Lexie: You deserve so much better, Johnny. You’re so much more than what your mom sees you as. And Jimmy. He better hope I never see him ‘cause I’ll kick him right in the balls!

Johnny: [laughing] Lexie! I’ve never heard you so angry before. I can’t see you doing something like that, you’re too sweet.

Lexie: I’d do it to him! And I’d enjoy watching him suffer. Oh, sorry, I probably shouldn’t be so violent about it. It just really got me worked up. 

Johnny: It’s ok. You’re cute when you’re protective.

Lexie: Well, consider me your bodyguard, then.

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Kou Dark [05]

CHAPTER MASTERLIST

Monologue

Ever since we arrived here at Eden,

we have been devoting ourselves to looking after the garden trees,

as well as watering the withered flowers,

hoping to bring at least the slightest bit of improvement,

to its current ruined state. 

However, there were no significant changes,

the situation had simply escalated,

to a point of no return.

According to what Ruki-kun told us,

this Castle is almost like a living being,

which adapts of its current owner,

causing it to either flourish or fall apart.

For Kou-kun,

hearing those words spoken by Ruki-kun,

evoked a tinge of anxiety within my chest.

For Subaru-kun to learn

to successfully wield his powers,

he needs to awaken as Adam.

In which case, he might just fear that...

Subaru-kun will just take me away from him.

Or alternatively, that he might have no other choice,

but to willingly give me up. 

The sheer determination Kou-kun shows,

towards the restoration of Eden,

I perceived as a direct reflection of his strong will,

which absolutely refuses to let me go.

ー The scene starts in the garden of Eden

*Thud* 

Kou: ...This won’t do. The seeds we planted won’t even sprout buds.

Even if we try our absolute hardest, Eden remains the exact same...

...I guess there’s really no other way but to have Subaru-kun fix it somehow...

Yui: ( Kou-kun... )

Selection

→ Smile at him (❦)

Yui: ( ...I should try and keep smiling at least. )

( I’m sure that feeling will convey to Kou-kun as well. )

→ Keep quiet 

Yui: ( What should I say...? )

( I wouldn’t want to say something inconsiderate and hurt him... )

Kou: Sorry. I guess I’m not really sounding like myself right now, am I?

...Haah.

Yui: ( I do believe I have to tell him how I feel after all. )

( I’m sure that’ll help cheer him up a little, right? )

...Listen, Kou-kun. Will you hear me out?

Kou: Sure. What...?

ー He steps closer

Yui: I won’t go to Subaru-kun. So don’t worry.

Kou: ...

Yui: I’ve decided a long time ago that I want to live my life with you. 

Of course, I can imagine that it isn’t fun to see Eden like this,

and I won’t deny that for me to go to Subaru-kun might be easiest and quickest way to fix the issue.

However, if I force myself to be with him, that’d be rather rude to Subaru-kun as well, and I honestly believe he wouldn’t want that either. 

So let’s think of another solution together?

I’m sure there is one. Okay?

Kou: Yui...

...You do have a point. 

I just get anxious so easily when you’re at stake. I’m such a mess... 

Yui: ...Don’t say that. I’m very happy you feel that strongly about me. 

Kou: Mmh, thanks.

...But in the end, we will need Subaru-kun to step up, won’t we?

At this rate, Eden will become a complete ruin...

Yui: Yeah...

If only we knew how he is currently doing...

Kou: To do that, we’d have to go see him in the human world...

...Haah. 

I’m sure Subaru-kun knows very well that we’re here at Eden right now, yet he hasn’t made any attempts to get in touch with us. 

I wonder if Subaru-kun doesn’t care about this place at all...? 

Yui: ...

Monologue

‘ーー I wonder if Subaru-kun,

does not care about this place at all...?’

I cannot get those words spoken by Kou-kun as he sighed,

out of my mind. 

I wonder what we can do,

to protect Kou-kun and his brothers’ precious homeland (故郷)? 

I can imagine it must be very hard on all of them,

to see this place full of memories (思い出) slowly fall into ruin...

However, I am sure that for me to go to Subaru-kun,

is something Kou-kun does not want either. 

I want to be there for him in any way possible,

so I felt frustrated with myself for not being able to do anything. 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[subby9411]

“Tonight you will act like the submissive you are, do you understand?”

“Yes sir”

Since I last dominated Sir. He has cuffed me a couple times with just cuffs and nothing else. Until the last time before tonight is when he fucked me hard, with pleasure. He was so gentle when he cuffed me. I wore my white canvas keds and my hot pink sweat pants. He handcuffed me behind my back at medium tightness and honestly I was not prepared. I know that’s not what you want to hear right now. But it was almost dual. Yeah he fucked me hard because I’m shallow. But I wasn’t fully turned on.

When he finished fucking me I left and that was the last time I spoke to him. But tonight I’m in trouble because apparently I have an attitude.

You know me, always a brat 😈.

I don’t know what he has planned tonight besides shackles, which we know are my least favorite.

“Wear a skirt, and your white keds”

“Yea sir”

“Get here at 8pm”

“Yes sir”

Well I did not get there at 8pm and because of this I was in more trouble.

When I arrive I walk to the basement door. The path is no longer muddy because some maintenance was done and there’s a stone walk way now. This is very nice, my keds won’t get muddy anymore! I stand at the sliding doors with my hands above my head waiting for him to open the door as I face the other direction.

“Step back towards me”

He handcuffed me tightly behind my back. And then he guided me into the house and closed the door. He changed my keds one at a time. He put all black canvas keds on my feet. Then he guided me to the room where He put a thick bite gag in my mouth strapping it to my head like a collar.

He instantly bent me over the side of a seat, pulled up my skirt, and lube my ass up. That’s when he inserted a butt plug. I’m not sure how big it was, all I know is the air left my body as he was pushing it in.

He fixed my skirt and then pulled me standing straight up and then pushed me into the seat to sit for a moment of reflection. He put shackles around my ankles at medium tightness. He left the room and all i could think about was if he was going to give me shackle punishment. The whole reason for being punished is for having an attitude. I mean I’ve been on my period so the whole attitude was without intentions.

Shortly after he leaves, He walks back in the room again and he has this aura about him. Like he’s playing a game.

“Are you enjoying yourself”

I really feel like he has a camera in this room. I seen a red light when the lights were out but who knows.

“Yes sir” I try to reply with the bite gag in my mouth.

I feel like I look so silly right now and the way I sound when trying to talk. I mean if you’re gonna ask questions Atleast take the gag off.

“Stand up”

He walks over and instantly puts his hands around my torso. I stand up just to feel the shackles tightening. That’s when he leaned down and made them tighter.

“Spread your legs and tighten the chain”

I do as he says and he then leaves the room and comes back with another pair of keds. He helps me to sit down. And he tries to put a smaller sized pair of keds on my feet and they do eventually fit me. I’m not sure what the pattern is because we are in the dark.

“Stand up” he says sternly.

When I get to my feet the shackles are tight I am slightly leaning forward to keep my balance with my hands cuffed behind my back.

“You do not make any noises you are to bite down on that thing do you understand”

“Yes sir”

“Do you understand!” He says as he steps on the chain.

“Yes sir!” I have to push the gag out of my mouth to answer.

The chain being stepped on made my ankles feel like they were being stabbed. These shackles are the only thing that really makes me anxious when coming to meet sir. I cannot stand them. I don’t always disobey him but the smallest things I do because of life inconveniences causes punishments.

He finally removes the buttplug and then steps on the chain one more time to remind me that he is always in control no matter what. I don’t need reminding though. I already know, and I’ll never forget.

He walks me to have a seat. He removes the shackles and he puts my white canvas keds back on my feet. He stands me up still cuffed behind my back and he pulls the cuffs hard so my back is pinned against him as his mouth is near my neck.

“When I tell you to be here on time, you’re gonna come on time correct?”

“Yes sir” I say with a hoarse voice after being gagged.

“You’re going to obey me from now on correct?”

“Yes sir” I say.

“You will stand here outside the door with your hands on your head. When your phone vibrates you may leave, understand?”

“Yes sir” I reply lowly.

As soon as my phone goes off I storm out the huge gates to my car. I have tears stained on my eyes and cheeks. I am ready to go home to shower.

[aburruso-capstone-uhwoacm]

Progress Update #6

It’s been a little over two weeks since my last post, and I have quite a lot to say about what I’ve been doing.

First of all, I finished creating the revised sprites.  They now have a bit more detail, and the servers and firewalls are drawn in perspective (I don’t know if that’s the right term, but if you look at the picture, you’ll get it).  I’m actually proud that I managed to pull this off, especially the shading in Sasha’s hair. Here's just some of the sprites I made (I don't want to put too many pictures in this post:

I also got a lot of coding done.  The biggest accomplishment (at least in my opinion) is finally making it where you put in the aim coordinates after Sasha finishes moving.  I feel like this will make the game a bit easier.  That being said, getting it done wasn’t easy.  It all had to do with the states I was using.  When I first made the states, they were all in Sasha’s object code.  However, since they would have to be referenced by other objects for this mechanic to work, I wanted to move the states to a new control object.  Put simply, this didn’t work.  The code that was supposed to make Sasha move just made the control object move instead.  So, I just kept the states in Sasha’s code, which actually works fine.

(Note: I fixed up some more stuff after I recorded this, such as changing the direction of the ray and making only one marker visible at a time.)

Besides revising the coordinate input mechanic, I also changed the controls.  Before, I had the player press buttons to change the coordinates.  However, I got feedback from someone saying that this was confusing.  Their main issue was that moving on the x-axis was being associated with up and down arrows; they felt it would be more fitting for it to be linked to left and right arrows.  At first, I was reluctant to do this (that might be putting it too softly) because I thought adding left and right arrow buttons would ruin the UI.  But then, I thought of a better solution: use the arrow keys instead.  So, the game is now controlled primarily with a keyboard (I also made it where you press enter to make Sasha move and shoot instead of pressing the Go Button).  I honestly think that this control system is better than the previous one, and I have to admit that the feedback was helpful in this case.

Of course, not everything turned out well.  The biggest frustration these past two weeks is that I can’t get a certain animation to work.  When Sasha went from moving to aiming, I wanted her to have a brief transition animation.  However, when I tried to put it in, the animation either looped indefinitely or didn’t play at all (instead going straight to the normal aim sprite).  I have no idea how to fix this, and considering how little time I have left, I may just have to scrap the animation…

On a more lighthearted note, I also tried to make it where Sasha didn’t immediately switch back to her idle state right after shooting.  When I tried to do it, though, I ended up with this:

It’s a little amusing, but it’s not what I want.  So, I just settled with what Sasha currently does.

I did some more stuff, such as making sure that a ray wouldn’t hit a server multiple times. This wasn’t an issue until I added the disintegrating server animation. The video above actually shows it in action (take a good look at the number of servers and score).

Still, I have even more to do, such as:

Fixing the shock SFX

Making a new background

Adding a “grade” system at the end

Adding the tutorial (this is the one I’m most anxious about)

Adding some fade-in/out transitions (this is probably the easiest task in my to-do list)

I have a little over a week left to get this all done.  I’ll try to get most of this out of the way by this week so I can focus on the tutorial next week.  After that, I’ll be done.  Let’s see how things go…

[ditaliaa]

Some updates on things in my life 😅

So just a quick update on a few things I ranted about a little while ago -

My car that I just bought less than two months ago is now up to over $9,000 worth of repairs (fun fact: the car is worth $11,000) so now I get to either see if the dealership will fix it all for free since it’s still under warranty or I’ll take the L and sell the car back and loose several thousand dollars as well as still owe money on the loan because they’re not gonna sell it back for the same price they sold it to me

My coworker finally decided to talk to me after ignoring me all week and told me she couldn’t talk to me on Wednesday last week when I wanted to talk about why she was mad at me because she was really angry and would have started crying. She did not specify whether she was angry with me or not, but I’m assuming so based off of how upset she was with only me last week. She told me she would text or call me over the weekend, but she has yet to and I am honestly so anxious right now because of what she said. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack since Friday morning when she told me she was angry. My friends and family say I should just let her message first since I did last time, but I still don’t know what I did and I’m freaking out.

But, on the bright side, I’m almost finished with my antibiotics and I’m feeling much better from having strep last week!! Gotta find good things somewhere I guess

[sandcastles-fall]

9/26

my body is so sore and so destroyed 🥹 my hamstrings are barely working lol, i ended up doing extra work yesterday with the basketball team and the volume was apparently too much. and to add onto it my class this morning AND the “easy” run. it’s been a while since I’ve felt this worn down. i’m in the beginning stages of a cold or allergies, something is wrong for sure. horrible sleep last night, pushing myself to the physical limit, having to do every bit of work in order to please 🩶 last night, i woke up in a horrible mood. ready to tear down walls and fuck shit up. i had maybe my most confident and best class this morning (the secondary one not my main weekly classes) and put everything i had in there. my pull-up buddy was there, he’s trying out different classes to fit in his new schedule. his classes are starting next week so i think tomorrow may be my last day with him. anyways, i rushed out the door to make it to the trails in time and was just anxious and hurting the entire drive.

big boss was there waiting for me and was already talking when i pulled out my shoes and noticed they were still stiff with mud from the last run. i spiked them to the ground out of sheer frustration and just unloaded on him. idk i can only hold it in so long. i don’t know how he must have felt about that or what he thought about me then, but he seemed pretty determined to turn it around. and of course he did, just like he always does. he kept making me laugh and i even got a good one out of him! enough to make him do the same little hops i always do when i’m laughing too hard to breathe. he turned my mood around so quickly and it really took me by surprise. he knows what will get a laugh out of me every time by now.

some point close to the halfway point of our run i had to take a breather, just that exhausted. but i wanted to tell him something anyways. when i was teaching that dumbass class i noticed something in the studio mirrors. my shoulders are so defined and honestly look fucking amazing, i hadn’t really seen them developed like this and i knew he would want to hear. he’s given me a bunch of shit before for denying that they looked good, among other things. but i was right, he had a big goofy fuckin grin on his face when i said that. he just replied “see? i TOLD you!” and like always, he was right lmao.

he even took us down my favorite blue hill for what he called a “mood booster”, and i felt bad about letting my anger get the best of me. i hope i convinced him before i left that i felt so much better after the run. something about the trails fixes everything. nothing matters when i’m climbing and suffering and trying to keep pace with him. i would run forever if i could. i would sit close to him on a bench, on the ground, on his tailgate forever if he’d let me.

i still don’t know how to put into words whatever this feeling is. it’s not like i want to risk ruining what’s taken so long to build. the idea that he would want anything to do with me (like that) is so laughable. but there’s something in it that i can’t quite wrap my fingers around. the only thing i’m really sure of is that i want to be able to see him and run with him and bullshit with him every day for the foreseeable future.

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

Step One

My Reaching for Personal Freedom workbook came in! I’ve been wanting to work the steps, and I still intend to get both a temporary sponsor until July, and then a permanent sponsor wherever I settle, but for now, I want to journal.

So.

Step One.

Admitted I was powerless (lol, typed powerful by default/Freudian slip) over [literally anyone and anything except my own damn self] and that my life has become unmanageable.

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

Because I’ve been training my whole life, or at least a significant portion of my whole life, to effectively influence and change other people. I want to control how you perceive me, what you do, how you affect me, what my day is like based on your actions and my feelings about them. I want to be valuable, effective, admired, loved, safe. Part of my ever-shifting world view has included messages that the world is a scary, unsafe, dangerous, chaotic place and I need to have a plan to manage it all. Even if there are individual people I trust, I don’t trust the people that I trust to love me - an untrustworthy person. I don’t feel connected to the people who I perceive as threatening, and I don’t feel worthy of the people who could be safe. I often feel alone, broken, and hopeless; my driving force for a long time has, in part, been about forcefully and powerfully manipulating myself, my environment, and other people to create an artificially safe world, against the tide of a nasty brutish and short existence. But the underlying belief is that the world ISN’T safe and I’M the one who has to pull it together. Yikes. No wonder I’m anxious.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?

I come back to the elements of white supremacy culture a lot, because they seem to overlap with and summarize my family culture growing up, aka alcoholism and mental illness and addiction and emotional illiteracy and deep, terrified, lonely, isolated, hateful shame.

As someone who is inching toward identifying as a double winner, I see a lot in common between the addiction to alcohol and the addiction to the alcoholic. One numbs through drinking, the other numbs through busyness and fixing. The elements of both sides and WSC feel like the bedrock of human frailty, the place in which we stumble when we don’t trust each other and the world: perfectionism, one right way, worship of the written word, urgency, quantity over quality, individualism, defensiveness, paternalism, either/or thinking, power hoarding, fear of conflict, the narcissism and solipsism of thinking we’re the only ones, the entitled belief of one’s right to comfort, the delusion of objectivity, and our ever-present negativity bias.

These elements have been barriers in my relationship to self and others. They showed up in my friendships, my self-esteem, my family, my jobs, my world view, my politics, and my ability to pursue recovery. It’s all connected. And it’s all so much bigger than me - who am I to think I have any power, any real influence, over anything or anyone besides myself? The ego tries to protect itself, but I’m freer when I relax into the crash.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?

Partly ego, both grandiose and vulnerable: the belief I have that much influence, power, knowledge, insight, skill; but also the belief that my own gains came from outside of me, from people “better” than I. It’s like the dynamic revealed to me by Brene Brown that my self-hatred and other-hatred were the two sides of the same coin. If I believe that I’m weak, small, ineffectual, a victim, then it must be true that once other people “whipped me into shape” then I have the power to do the same for others. Perhaps a moral obligation to pay it forward, as such. But I don’t think any one person saved me, nor could they have. When the student is ready, a teacher appears, but honestly teachers are all around me as I speak. It’s not a reflection of the teacher’s value whether or not I am receptive, or understand, or apply the lesson in a certain way. The world is ever-changing, fluid, impersonal, delicate, and nothing is ever about me. Not the good, or the bad - it’s all neutral, it’s all changing, and we make meaning of stimuli as we have the receptors for it. I can’t build someone else’s receptors, and sometimes I think I make people numb by flooding them when it’s not a good fit, or good timing. I want to be whole and happy, and I am the expert and doyen of that. I am in charge of my life, and it’s my responsibility to stay open and available to the good things. I don’t know what will work for other people, just like no one really knew what would work best for me. Even if they had great ideas, they clearly didn’t work or help in some grand, magical, external way. I have been a series of small awakenings and it couldn’t have been another way, or it would have been, right? If my presence inspires a change in someone else, they were clearly already open to that change. Lives don’t shift with brute force, and people certainly don’t flourish and thrive that way. It always feels right to do things on your own time, in your own sustainable way, and I want us all to have that pleasure. It’s more consensual, lasting, real. Who cares if it can’t be mass-produced, copied and pasted, made generic? It wouldn’t taste as sweet if it wasn’t truly customized to each of us. Who am I to tell someone what flavor they are?

[larry-hiatus]

.

[thebluewritingbench]

if you’re still taking prompts, can you do happiness #1?

Before we launch into 6b next week, here's a small fantasy of a scene that I wish the cw would give us. Happiness #1 from this prompt list again.

“I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“Alex calls it The Honesty Policy.”

Lena takes the mug of hot chocolate Kara offers, cradling it between her hands. “The Honesty Policy?” she asks, as Kara sits down on the couch beside her.

“I imagine Kelly probably fed it to her,” Kara says. “But she was helping me try to figure out how we could get ourselves… well, back to normal, after everything, and she was really insistent that this one was worth a try.”

“What is it?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. No more secrets,” Kara says, tapping her own collarbone, then fixing her gaze pointedly on Lena. “No more lying. We tell each other things. We’re honest. We trust each other with our secrets.”

Lena nods, looking down into her mug of hot chocolate. The dim lights of Kara’s loft glow orange across her cheekbones, and in the silence, the sounds of late-night passing cars rumble up from the street below. It’s the first time they’ve really spent time truly alone together since… well everything.

There’s still a lot of awkwardness between them; turns out secrets and betrayal and double-crossing—and the fact that forgiveness was barely hatching between them when Kara was banished to the phantom zone—will do that to a friendship. There was the initial hug, of course, after Kara was rescued, when Lena wrapped her arms around Kara and buried her face in Kara’s neck and held her so tightly that Kara was certain she’d never let go, her breath coming in ragged gasps and her whole body quivering. It was somewhat surreal, the warm shock of having Lena in her arms after so many months, her hair against Kara’s cheek, the muted scent of her shampoo. They’d sank to the floor, still holding each as the ship creaked around them, and stayed there for god knows how long in each other arms.

But since then, since that initial wordless embrace that felt as much like coming home as anything, they haven’t known what to say to each other. They work together easily enough, the animosity between Supergirl and Lena finally gone, but it’s more difficult when they’re just Kara and Lena. They’ve forgiven each other, Kara thinks. Or at least agreed to forgive each other, even if there’s still work to be done. But it’s weird. It’s not like they can snap straight back into how things were before.

Hence The Honesty Policy.

“Okay,” Lena says finally. “Yes. No more secrets. A clean start.”

A clean start. It’s what they need, after an entire friendship where one or the other of them has been hiding things. For the first time, everything between them will be out in the open. Nothing left to hide.

It’s oddly freeing.

Kara takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “So, where do we start?”

“Start?”

“I think we should have just an honest conversation. I don’t want this to be awkward anymore, I want to be able to talk to you like we used to. So, in the interest of honesty, tell me something you’ve never told me before. It doesn’t have to be big—” she adds hurriedly, when Lena’s eyes widen in alarm. “Something small. Something tiny you’ve never had reason to tell me.”

Lena nods slowly, thinking. “In the interest of honesty…” she starts. “In the interest of honesty, I… I really think that those bangs were a mistake.”

Kara makes a noise of offended disbelief in the back of her throat. “I—Rude!”

“You said to be honest!” Lena says, biting her lip like she’s holding back a laugh. “They’re growing out now, anyways. It looks much better.”

Kara gives her bangs a self-conscious pat. They’re still at a slightly awkward length, but they’re long enough to blend in semi-decently with the rest of her hair now. “If we’re being honest, then,” she says. “I think that blouse is really ugly.”

Lena looks down at herself. She sounds slightly hurt when she says, “What’s wrong with it?”

“Everything! It’s—the pattern! The sleeves! The collar! It looks like it’s made of cheap polyester.”

“It’s designer!” Lena pouts.

“Who designed it?”

“Well, I thought that blazer you wore last week was kind of hideous. I didn’t say anything at the time, but in the interest of honesty…”

Kara laughs, and Lena’s irritated expression melts away at her laughter, something in her eyes softening. It’s an expression Kara’s been seeing on her more often, in moments she catches Lena watching her when she thinks Kara isn’t paying attention.

She’s always paying attention to Lena.

“Maybe we should just agree to say that we both have questionable fashion taste sometimes and call it a day,” she says, downing the rest of her hot chocolate and placing the mug on the table.

Lena takes a dainty sip of her own still mostly filled mug. “Fine.”

There’s a long pause, and Kara taps her fingers on her pant leg and tries to think of a new conversation starter. She finally settles on. “In the interest of honesty… how are you holding up?”

Lena shrugs. “I’m okay, I suppose. I’m anxious about Lex—I know it’s only a matter of time before he’s back on our heels. Mostly, I’m just glad to have you back.” She looks over her mug at Kara. “I think that’s more a question I should be asking you, though.”

The look of intense concern in Lena’s eyes makes her feel hot, and Kara squirms slightly, pulling her collar away from her neck with a finger. She wants to say I’m fine, but honesty is the whole point of this exercise. “I’m… still not great. Being back there it… brought up a lot. Brought back a lot. I’m still having a really hard time with it all. It’s—it’s hard to talk about.”

“We don’t have to talk about it right now.”

“I want to talk about with you at some point. I just… don’t want it to ruin every conversation I have, you know? I want some things to be normal, still. I want to pretend things can be normal.”

“That makes sense,” Lena nods. She looks small when she says, “In the—in the interest of honesty, are you still mad?”

“At you?” Lena nods again, and Kara sighs, looking away. “It’s complicated, I guess. A little, maybe? I meant it when I said I forgave you, but there’s still part of me that’s a little angry. You did a lot of things that were… really bad, Lena.”

“I know.”

“Are you still mad at me?” Kara asks, and Lena’s shaking her head before she even finishes the question.

“No. No, I’m done being mad at you. I get it. I get why you hid your identity, and I wish you’d told me sooner, but I’m not angry anymore. I don’t have enough energy to be angry anymore. I’m happier if I don’t hate you.”

“Well, I’m glad for that.”

“I would have done anything to get you back, you know,” Lena says in a rush, words spilling out like she can’t stop them. “You say I did bad things before, but I would have watched the world burn if it meant I could have brought you back.” She looks down at her lap. “Who knows what I would have done if Alex hadn’t been there to stop me.”

“Lena.” Kara reaches over to take her hand. “You know I can’t possibly be mad at you for that.”

“No?”

“Of course not.”

“Okay,” Lena whispers. Kara watches her swirl around the dregs of her hot chocolate and takes a deep breath.

There’s still one more secret between them. One more secret that has the potential to ruin their friendship. Kara thinks they’re both aware of it, on some level. Aware of the way the weight of it shifts their every interaction. The others are aware of it too, have maybe known longer than Kara has. Alex certainly has. It was she who looked Kara in the eye when they were discussing this whole honestly policy and said, “You have to tell her this. You know you do.”

She can’t risk another secret in their relationship.

“Um, in the interest of honesty,” she starts, and finds she can’t quite meet Lena’s eyes. “I have to tell you—in all honesty, I would probably just keep it a secret, if I could, but I don’t think we should do secrets anymore, so I just need to tell you that I, um, have feelings for you.”

Lena straightens. “Feelings?” she says, her voice cautious.

Kara closes her eyes. Takes a breath. Steadies herself. Opens them again. “I’m in love with you,” she says. “Um, nothing has to change if you don’t want it to, but I need… I need you to know.”

“Oh,” breathes Lena. She opens her mouth, and it seem to take several moments for the words to catch up with her. “Well, in—in the interest of honesty, Kara, I’ve—I’ve been in love with you for years.” She gives a wry little half smile. “If we’re being honest.”

“What? You have?”

“Darling,” says Lena. “I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“The day we met?”

“Why do you think it hurt me so badly when I found out who you were? Why do you think I was so deep in denial about it that I never figured it out myself? Do you really think you were that good at hiding it?”

“I mean, I thought—”

“The disguise. The hair. The glasses.” She puts down her mug, then reaches over and gently tugs the glasses from Kara’s face, folding the arms in and placing them on the table. She brushes a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. “You mentioned Supergirl far too much as Kara and Kara far too much as Supergirl and one time you told me you flew to my office on a bus.”

“That’s—yeah, that’s fair, actually.”

“You’re in love with me? Honestly?” whispers Lena.

“I am. I really, truly am. Why do you think I refused to give up on you when everyone else was ready to?”

“I thought that just how you are. You don’t give up on anyone.”

“I try not to. But you, I could never bear to, even when it seemed like the only logical option to everyone else. Why do you think I waited so long to tell you in the first place? I was so scared to ruin things between us.”

“Why do you think I bought you an entire media empire?” Lena murmurs, and she’s so close, hand fisted in the collar of Kara’s shirt.

Kara giggles. “Why do you think I flew all over Europe to get you lunch?”

Lena laughs, and it’s such a relief to hear her laughter again, to let the conversation flow between them. There’s a bud of hope for the future that’s been sitting in Kara’s chest for years now, and under Lena’s adoring gaze, it starts to open.

“In all honesty,” Kara says, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

Lena slips a hand into her hair, runs her thumb over Kara’s cheekbone. “In all honesty?” She leans in, pressing their foreheads together. “I’d like that.”

[cloveroctobers]

October prompts — 7. Fezco ; Euphoria

Prompt: ❛ that’s your face? oh, i thought it was a mask. ❜

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

It was always “don’t do this, y/n.” “Don’t do that, y/n.” “You shouldn’t do that y/n.” And you always did what you were told making you the goodie two shoes but you’ve had enough this fall season

You were sick of the constant judgements and controlling from your family so you decided to scream fuck it all!

And that’s exactly how you ended up in this predicament right now

“It’s honestly not even that bad, y/n. You kinda look like this badass superhero.” Jules said from behind you, fixing the clip that kept your hair from your face

Rue was beside the both of you tearing up some bag of chips as she looked at you and shrugged, “I’m in no place to say shit about anybody. Your parents and your grandma who looks like that lady from eve’s bayou on the other hand? That’s going to be a problem.”

You let out a sob and buried your head in your hands, careful not to the touch the rest of your face as you sat in front of jules’ vanity

Jules sent rue a look who lifted her shoulders, her hand still stuck in her chip bag. Unsure what to do with these emotions coming from you

“Look, it’ll be fine! One day you’ll look back at this and laugh.” Jules tried to persuade you but you lifted your face to look at her in disbelief

“You may not know this about me but I actually get really embarrassed at the little things: the time my hair turned out like twisted metal the first time I dyed it back in middle school and they called me chuckie finster up until graduation, the time I almost busted my face in front of my crush when I received an award in class, or the time I queefed when I got lemon juice squirted into my eye accidentally at this facial appointment…”

Jules couldn’t help but to laugh at the last one but quickly covered her smile before she gripped your shoulders, “welcome to normal life, y/n shit happens and look you’re still here to tell the story.”

You gently wiped at your tears taking multiple deep breaths slowly figuring that Jules was most definitely right, although you felt like shit right now that didn’t mean you would always feel this way

That’s until Fez came through with a knock on the door before peeking his head in to see that you were all fully clothed before he entered the room, “yo, I’ve been honking the horn for a solid ten minutes. What’s up?”

He gave Rue some dap as he got closer to you and stopped in his tracks, “fuck.”

“Fez!” Jules yelled, “y/n decided to be rebellious and got some piercings and a face tat. Tell her she looks pretty.”

Fez licked his lips glancing at rue before shoving his hands into his pants pocket, “that’s your face? Oh, I thought it was a mask.”

That was enough for you to snatch your things from the vanity and leave the room with Jules calling after you and rue sending a shove to fez’s shoulders

You covered your face as Jules’ father asked if you were okay as you left the house to sit on the stoop. You didn’t want to go home and you didn’t want to walk the streets since you knew most people would be in your face and would have something to say too

It only hurt more to hear fez play on your vulnerabilities. Normally you would joke with anybody especially with fez over stupid shit and he expected you to say something like, “Jules and rue, you better get your fucking friend!” Like you commonly do when fez got on your nerves

But not today

You felt him before he sat down next to you. Fez’s energy was always felt when you were in his space or near and right now you tell he was anxious even tho you could smell the weed on him mixed with his cedar wood scent

“Y/n…my fault I didn’t mean to make you upset. Usually we can mess around with each other like that but I wasn’t aware you even felt bad about what they did to your face.” He drawled on, studying your face underneath the fall night

You huffed, “you thought my face looked like a mask!”

“My bad! It’s just—I’m used to what you look like and this caught me off guard, why would you do that shit? You ain’t even need it.” Fez commented

Folding your arms against your knees you sighed, “nobody needs anything but it was something I wanted to do and now I regret it, thanks.”

Fez pulled a ice pack to hand over to you, “the tatt above your brow is fire but that other shit…you look like your allergic to ‘em but I’m no doctor.”

You took the item wincing as you placed it your lip for a few moments before removing it, “so you don’t think I look pretty?”

“You don’t need validation from me, ma. I liked you better without that shit in your face.”

“Agreed.” You laughed, “I also think I need to take that trip to the emergency room, I haven’t felt right since we left the shop.”

Fez kissed his teeth as he quickly got to his feet pulling out his keys, “c’mon man, I knew something wasn’t right when I saw yo ass.”

“Yeah you basically called me fugly to my face.” You laughed as fez pulled you up

“My apologies.”

The both of you began walking to his pathfinder with you getting into the passenger side with fez resting his arms against the car door to look at you in better lighting

“You want to give me a kiss to make up for dragging me?” You kissed your lips at the ginger boy who ducked from your raw, bleeding, and swollen lip

Fez shook his head, “maybe once you don’t look like will Smith from hitch, I’ll think about it y/n.”

Laughing you gave him the middle finger before he hopped into the driver’s seat letting his hand rest against the horn again

Jules and rue finally made an appearance climbing into the backseat as you searched for some music

“You two kiss and make up?” Rue asked leaning against the top of the front seats, grinning at you two

“I don’t know about fezzy but I don’t kiss and tell.” You winked

“That’s some bullshit. I told her I’m not kissing her at all if she keeps fucking with her face.”

“See how he just lied.”

“Aight, I didn’t say it exactly like that but along those lines—

“So there is a possibility this could happen?” Jules pulled rue back to get your reactions

Fez pulled off from the curb as you rested your head against the headrest

“Fez couldn’t handle me with just one kiss, he’ll want a relationship right after.”

Fez gave you the side eye, “Not if you keep being reckless, I already got those two pain in the asses to deal with. I don’t need your Annie are you okay ass added to the mix.”

You laughed feeling the car spin as you attempted to pet fez’s face but completely missed the blue-eyed man’s face who suddenly eyed you worriedly, “love you too, fezzy.”

You replied before you closed your eyes making fez step harder on the gas

•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

Continue along with my anthology October prompts here

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT Vol.13 Kino [TRACK 1]

Original title: 苛立ちと不安

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 13 Kino

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Tomoaki Maeno

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 1: Frustration and Anxiety

( They said that this was my punishment. And what I was going through was nothing compared to all the pain and suffering they had to bear themselves, they added. )

*THUD*

“Kuh…!”

*THUD*

“I’m…begging you…You can…hit and kick…Heck, even kill me…But right now…Please let me go…this one time…!”

*THUD*

“Guh…!”

*THUD THUD THUD*

“I’m…begging you…I want to…save her…!”

*THUD THUD*

…

( If this is the price I have to pay for everything I have done, then what exactly should I do, to atone for my sins? If I had at the very least apologized to them back then…Perhaps none of this would have happened? )

*FLASHBACK* 

( A few days ago, we returned to the Demon World after living in the human world for a while. The trigger for this was Yuuri. One day, he disappeared out of nowhere. I don’t know why. We didn’t get into any arguments and he acted no different from usual the days prior. However, one morning, he had suddenly vanished into thin air. 

While Eve looked as if she may have had a clue as to where he had gone, I honestly didn’t really care. Whatever his reasoning may have been, I figured he would be back soon enough. That’s what I thought. Howeverーー Even after several days had passed, he never came back. Fed up with the situation, I made the decision to return to the Demon World. I felt frustrated remaining at that home, almost as if I was awaiting Yuuri’s return or something. )

Kino returns to your home in Rotigenberg.

*Creaaaaak*

“Che…This mud is really getting on my nerves. It stinks as well! This couldn’t suck any more! This is exactly why I hate coming here to Rotigenberg.”

Kino takes off his muddy shoes as you greet him.

“If you’ve got the time to welcome me back, could you please go throw out those shoes? I don’t need them anymore.”

You obey.

*Thud*

Kino plops down on the couch.

“...Haah. Hey, where’s my smartphone?”

You ask him if he took it with him.

“What makes you think I took it with me? No point in carrying it around with me when there’s no signal in the Demon World anyway …Ah, right. I can’t play games anyway. …Ahー God. I’m only getting even more frustrated! If I could buy some stuff in-game right now, I’d at least be able to blow off some of this stress…!”

You try to calm him down.

“I’m upset because something happened, duh…!”

You join him and ask him what happened. 

“Will telling you fix the situation? If that’s the case, gladly.”

You shake your head.

“Right? Then could you please keep your nose out of my business?”

You insist that it could make him feel better.

“Heehー You sure give yourself a lot of credit if you assume that talking to you will make me feel better. Well, I guess I shouldn’t complain about you wanting to cheer me up. No point in fretting over it myself. …Sure, I’ll tell you.

You also understand that the Demon World has been in a state of instability ever since Karlheinz’ disappearance, right? All species are suspicious of the others’ intentions. While no real fights or war has broken out on the surface, it’s pretty clear that everyone is rather on edge. 

Officially speaking, there’s the guy who inherited Karlheinz’ powers. It only makes sense for the sovereign rule to remain in the hands of the Vampires. No wonder the other species are anxious. …However, you could say that this is the ideal opportunity for me. All of the other species are preoccupied with this fight for power, the Ghouls are not even on their minds right now. I figured I could take advantage of that and colonize the Adler’s territory first. From what I’ve learnt through my observations, they’re the easiest target.

I proposed this idea to the Ghouls as well. If they can show the world what they’re capable of, they would no longer have to deal with all that hatred and discrimination. They’d even be able to leave this horrible land. However those guys…Instead of agreeing with my offer, they even went as far as to refute it. Going on about it being ‘reckless’ or how it’d be a ‘losing battle’...All they gave me were a bunch of excuses. 

And as if that wasn’t enough, they even used Yuuri’s absence to justify that they had no reason to even listen to me right now. Absolutely ridiculous, don’t you think? Of course, They soon shut their mouths after I gave them a small lesson in pain.”

You frown.

“...Why do you look so sad?”

You tell him that you don’t agree with his ways.

“Hmph! I figured you’d say that. ‘Violence is never the answer…!’ ーー That’s pretty much your favorite phrase to use, isn’t it?”

You try to reason with him.

“I see. …So you’re going to oppose me as well, huh?”

You tell him that isn’t your intention.

“I’ve been trying really hard to come up with solutions by myself now that Yuuri is gone, believing that is for the best. However, none of you are even willing to listen to me. If anything, all I get are a bunch of complaints thrown at my head. …However, in the end, they’ll have no other choice but to comply, whether they like it or not. Without any power or privilege, there’s absolutely nothing they can do.”

Kino gets up from his seat and walks over to you. 

“...Hey. Am I getting something wrong here?” 

You nod.

“Heeh…How so? Tell me.”

You try to explain.

“It was never my intention to have anyone understand me. I just want to have the people around me to act as I please.”

You warn Kino this might push people away from him. 

“Those who’d rather take their distance can go ahead and leave. ーー Just like Yuuri did. All other people are just ‘mob characters’ anyway. There’s plenty of replacements around. ーー Ah, but I guess you’re an exception to that rule? You’re the one and only Eve as well. I better treat you with care. …That being saidーー”

Kino pins you down.

*Thud*

*Rustle rustle*

“I’m still having you bear the punishment for opposing me.”

Kino bites you. 

“Nn…Mmh…Hah…Your blood is as addictive as ever. Honestly…I almost want to forgive you already, but that’d be too soft of me, don’t you think? This is supposed to be your punishment, so I should make it more painful. So every time you feel the wound ache, or see the mark left behind, you will remember your crimes and regret them. In that case, I guess the neck isn’t a place you look at very often? …Mmh. I guess this spot should do.”

He bites you again somewhere more visible.

“Hahn…”

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...’Violence is never the answer?’ Yeah right. What other choice do I have? Those guys don’t understand without a little pain. 

…Well, I’m sure they’ll come to their senses once I gain control over the Demon World. I’m sure they’ll praise themselves for having stuck with me. Yuuri will realize what a fool he has been for leaving me as well. …It’s not just Yuuri either. I will show Karlheinz and those Sakamaki’s that I am special after all. And they should definitely feel regret! Realizing that they should have never abandoned me!”

You frown.

“That’s enough chit-chat for today. …Hey, let’s move to the bed. It’s hard to suck your blood like this. …I feel like messing you up real bad today. If not, I can’t get rid of this frustration.”

*Rustle*

“Come on, follow me.”

*Ba-dump*

*Riiiiing*

You suddenly clutch your chest and start staggering.

“Hah, what’s this? …Are you trying to appeal to me by feigning feeling weak and tired? That’s rather cunning for someone like you.”

You try to explain.

“Dizzy spells? …After I sucked just a bit of your blood? …Haah. Whatever then.”

You try to walk up to him but nearly collapse.

“...!”

*Rustle*

“You can’t walk, can you…? I guess I have no other choice but to carry you there.”

Kino heads to the bedroom and puts you down on the bed.

*Rustle*

“...There you go. I bet lying down helps, right?”

You ask if he will suck your blood.

“Sure, if that’s what you want. But I’m pretty sure that in your current condition, it won’t take long before you pass out. That’d be dull, so I’ll abstain for now.”

You thank him.

“Hah…You’re really going to thank me? You really are too good for this world. You even followed me here as I told you to. I bet that deep down…you would have rather got away like Yuuri did?”

You shake your head.

“Hmm~? Well, you can easily say whatever you want. …There.”

He puts an extra blanket on you.

“...What? You don’t want it? Your hands were shaking, so I figured you felt cold.”

You point out that he is very kind. 

“Haah…? A small thing like this makes me a ‘good guy’? I think your brain might be short-circuiting?”

You explain that he’s going through extra trouble for you. 

“Ahー So this is what you’d call ‘doing the right thing’, huh? Hah! Absolutely ridiculous. If a single blanket could solve all of my problems, I wouldn’t be struggling this much. …Besides, I’d only ever do this for you. You really should consider yourself lucky for being special. 

…Now stop spouting nonsense and get some rest already. I’ll do the same after taking a shower. I have to go back to the Ghouls tomorrow after all. I need to teach them that this is their last chance. …Well then, good night.”

Kino leaves the room. 

*Ba-dump*

You clutch your chest again.

*Ba-dump ・ ba-dump ・ ba-dump*

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[manekicatwriter]

hellooo! i was wondering if i could make a request for an modern au sbi x gn sibling reader where they’re around 17-19, and they’ve got depression. they’ve had to go away for a few weeks after a bad episode ended in an attempt and they were hospitalized and sent somewhere for rehabilitation and now they’re coming home and they’re all anxious and quiet and stuff- so the boys do their best to like comfort them and reassure them that they’re loved and they belong there? i’m sorry if that’s an awkward request, i was just recently discharged after a similar situation and honestly the comfort would be great. it’s totally your call if you chose to write it tho, i understand that this is a difficult and triggering subject and not everyone is comfortable with writing things like it. if you aren’t comfy please feel free to just ignore my ask! <3

you’re here, and that’s what matters.

TW: mentions of attempted suicide. please proceed with caution.

hey! i just wanted to let you know that i’ve been through a similar situation and understand how you feel (though my case was not as severe). i wish you a safe road to recovery.

note, i think you asked for their characters but it leant itself towards their rl versions. i have a feeling the dsmp versions would be too chaotic for this sensitive subject.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!! please do not be afraid to send in an ask. ANON IS ON!!

Phil:

- phil was very scared about you being so gravely hurt, it kept him up for some nights. thankfully, you pulled through.

- he visited whenever he could. if he couldn’t, he was busy making sure coming home felt as comfortable for you as possible while also educating himself on how to take care of you.

- phil would listen to how you felt, and be understanding of your feelings.

- “You don’t have to tell me why you did it, I’m just glad you’re here,” pulling you in for a warm hug.

- when you got back home, he made sure he and the boys had prepared your favorite dinner and desserts.

It was the day you had just got home from rehabilitation, and you two were sitting on the couch. You hadn’t said much, you felt like you had nothing to say. Phil had asked for you to sit down so you two could talk, one on one.

You couldn’t meet his gaze. “I’m sorry,” your voice started to crack. “For making you guys worry about me.” Tears started to form from your eyes and you wept into your hands.

Phil immediately reached over to you to hug you, letting you cry on his shoulder. “We don’t blame you. We don’t blame anybody. I just want you to be here safe with us. Let it all out.” He pat and rubbed your back soothingly as you kept crying. But it was a good cry. He was just glad you came home.

Tommy:

- even though many see tommy as a loud and obnoxious boy with a general disregard for others, we all know deep down that’s a persona. he will go out of his way to make other comfortable in his presence if he truly cares for them. which he does, for you of course.

- he wants to make you happy! when the time is right, he’ll crack jokes and offer to play minecraft with you.

- would tone down the yelling. not because you asked, but he’s afraid of triggering you. treats you like glass. if you notice he’s being quieter than usual and you don’t care, you tell him you don’t.

- if you’re feeling it, he’ll take you out to fun places and to eat. nothing that’s too outlandish like a theme park, but just enough to have a reason to get out of bed that day instead of sleeping in.

It had been a week since you had gotten home and Phil had instructed you to maintain somewhat of a schedule to upkeep yourself. Right now was your nightly routine, washing yourself, brushing your teeth, and finally sliding under the covers. It felt nice. The blanket of sleep consumes you easily…

…

Until you bedroom door opens you’re being aggressively shaken awake. You groan, shying away, but they’re persistent.

“Ey, wake up, it’s morning!” Tommy shakes you again.

You realize you didn’t dream, but think nothing of it. “Tommy please, what do you want.”

Finally, Tommy pulled your warm sheets from over you, making you flinch. “I wanted to go out to the park today! Feed the ducks! Yeesss!”

You sighed. If you didn’t comply now, Tommy will refuse to stop nagging you for the rest of the day. You rolled out of bed and into the bathroom. You could very clearly hear Tommy’s cheers.

You two had gotten ready, eaten breakfast, and said goodbye to the rest of your family so you could head over to the park. It was close enough that it wasn’t unbearable to walk to. Even if you weren’t completely yourself yet, you were glad Tommy was.

After the short walk you two finally reached the park. Tommy immediately bolted toward the pond and you jogged behind. He had already started throwing the ducks some seeds, and even threw it on a duck. It didn’t seem too pleased.

You two sat at the edge of the pond as you watched the ducks eat. “Hey.” You hear Tommy call to you, and you turn your head to him.

“Can we talk about what happened? With you? Is it okay?” You could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Go ahead, what is it?”

“When Techno found out what happened to you, and told us the news, I was scared shitless.” He let out a sad huff. “I thought we were going to lose you.” Tommy kept his eyes fixed at the pond in front of him. “I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have brought this up. I’m just glad you’re okay.” He sighed.

You put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh Tommy…” You started, “I’m sorry for making you worry. You shouldn’t have to feel like that because of my actions.”

Tommy was lost in thought for a moment, before finally speaking up, “No, please don’t apologize. It’s not anybody’s fault this happened, right?” You nodded.

Tommy stood up, dusting his pants off from the grass. “Come on now, let’s go get some ice cream!” He pulled you up from the ground.

“Last one to get to the shop has to pay!”

Immediately, Tommy bolts in the direction to the ice cream shop, and you catch up to him. No matter the circumstance is, he never seems to fail at putting a smile on your face.

Wilbur:

- i HC wilbur being the oldest, being older than techno by 3 years and older than tommy by 8, like IRL. :]

- i think out of all of your siblings, wilbur exudes the most “protective older brother” energy, yeah?

- remember when tommy lied about his mother being in trouble and how worried and anxious wilbur got? turn that up to 11 with what happened with you.

- with wilbur being the oldest, he of course had the responsibility of taking care of everyone. but somehow you and him didn’t spend as much 1 on 1 time as much as wilbur did with his other siblings

- wilbur definitely was going to change that, realizing that and not wanting to make that mistake again.

- he decided that finding a new hobby with you wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

You were sitting at the dinner table, being the last one there. You were poking at your food for the most part, and Wilbur got home late from… whatever Wilbur thing he was doing. Phil cooked pasta for dinner tonight. Wilbur put down his bags at the door connected to the garage. “I’m home! What’s for dinner?”

“Pasta.”

“Mmm, I love some good ol’ pasta.” He said, already taking a plate out to serve himself. “Also, hey, I bought something I wanted to build with you. Do you mind?”

You finally looked up from your very interesting pasta. “Build..?” You had no idea where this was going.

Wilbur placed his plate on the table and approached the bags of groceries, going through them to find the bag he was looking for. He pulled out a LEGO set. More specifically, a LEGO City set from the looks of the box? “Wilbur, how much was that?”

He blinked at you innocently. “It was only, like, £25. And look! It’s got a little submarine we can make with a rock and ugly sea monster—“

“But why?”

“Why not? It wouldn’t hurt for you to do something new, yeah?” He smiled at you, shaking the LEGO box in front of him to show it off. You sighed, but smiled. “Alright. But maybe you and I should eat this pasta first before we start building.” Wilbur nodded.

“Speaking of water, don’t you think I could teach you how to swim or something?”

“Oh, fuck off with that!”

Technoblade:

- i think out of everyone in the family, he understands you the most in terms of how you feel.

- not suicidal, but just generally having depressive episodes due to his ADHD.

- techno’s generally closed off, but started to really open up to you because he wanted to show he cares, even if it meant going out of his comfort zone.

- techno suggested journaling. once a day or once per week, it didn’t really matter. just as long as you could write down your feelings somewhere.

- he didn’t explicitly say it, but he also bought a book for himself so he could do it along with you. although, he more often than not just forgets to write in it until you mention your own journal.

- if you want to be sad and quiet, you can be sad and quiet with him. his room is a safe space for you if you ever need it and you’re always welcome to come in, just as long as you knock first.

With one hand on your mouse scrolling through the internet, and another resting your head on it, you were safe to admit you were utterly and completely bored. Honestly, you thought about taking another nap after your last one, but a knock on your door stopped you right before you pulled the covers over yourself. “Can I come in?”

You rose from your bed. “Come in. Oh hey Techno.”

He gave a simple wave and his signature “Halloo.” He walked right over to you and handed a journal and a ballpoint pen. “I got this. For you.” His stare was sharp but you could sort of tell he was nervous.

“What for?”

“I dunno. Writin’ your feelings down or drawin’ or somethin’. Whatever helps you vent.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“Oh Techno, thank you. That’s very sweet of you.” You gave a slight smile, but saw that he still had another journal in his hand. “You have two journals?”

Techno raised his eyebrow in confusion before looking down at his hand. “Oh this? It’s for me. So we could do it together, I guess.”

You let out a happy hum. “That’s nice. Say, why don’t we go to your room? I want to see your new lava lamp and stuff.”

Techno shrugged. “Sure. I’ve got more stationary too if you want.” He waved his hand before letting himself out the door, with you following not far behind.

hi hope u enjoyed reading as much as i did writing it. this format was new for me but very fun!