sandcastles-fall

[sandcastles-fall]

11/20

today was better. i was able to distance myself and nearly remove that feeling of obsession. i was able to have fun and be in the moment with bb and my classes and my actual life. the only moment i had was irrational and easy to dismiss.

we laughed hard and it was like it was a few months ago, care free and effortless.

fine. one moment to tell. he had shown me something on his phone for me to laugh at, i was falling over myself as usual and wasn’t too careful handing it back. his fingers grazed over mine, not just the little fingertip touch i’m used to. i’m not going to dramatize it or anything, it was just nice. that’s all.

i’m also working on loving myself, being in love with the person i am and who i’ve become in the past few years. she’s incredible. she’s funny. she’s sweet, and eager, and helpful, and a good listener. she’s loud, she takes no shit, she stands up for herself, she believes in her own abilities and intellect. i’m worth loving, i think.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/17

i think i’m going to stop writing here. it’s unfair to bb and to myself. i can’t keep up this fictional expectation of someone i want to be my friend. i can’t keep letting myself believe a delusion. it’s beyond fucked up.

once again the trail therapy session has me seeing clearly and logically. a good 20 minutes of crying always seems to help. i’m truly done, i think.

who knows, i might come crawling back again. like always. i’ll keep these here just in case, and just to read through and remind myself what my brain is capable of rationalizing. i’m content being the gym wife, i think.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/15

it was a cold morning, but i might never have noticed.

it’s another one i just want to keep for myself.

bb’s hair looked so fucking good. even his beard looked great. i wish i could tell him how great i actually think it looks. we had a lot of fun moments today, but i don’t think anything tops him calling me “gym wife” right before we left. it caught me so off guard and made me laugh so hard. i hope hearing me laugh like that made him happy, and that’s the reaction he was going for. i’ve seriously smiled about it all day. we get to spend almost all of tomorrow together, and i’m trying very hard to keep my excitement stifled. i don’t need to make it into a big deal.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/14

managed to fit the entire hour run in before i had to work this morning. always nice. pace is still holding steady below 9 min per mile.

bb spent a good chunk of the run complaining about his wife. i won’t type it all out, but it made me wonder a bit. does he even want this to work out between them? does he even want to be around her anymore?? it certainly doesn’t sound like it. i don’t want to be the little voice encouraging that behavior, i really don’t. i want to be his friend that he can vent to. but it’s getting harder and harder to just listen.

i got vaguely depressed this morning thinking more about it. i don’t know what i really want. i don’t want to lose what i have with bb. i don’t want to push him away and jesus christ i don’t want to put him in a position where he has to reject me and tell me he’s not attracted to me, or that he can’t be friends anymore. i’m just stupid and selfish like i’ve always been. i’m fucking trying to be better.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/13

not a lot to say, i had a wonderful morning. it just felt easy and effortless making each other laugh and falling all over the place again. i love seeing him smile and laugh loud. it’s just so simple to be around him. i hope he feels the same way about me. i can’t wait to spend all day with him saturday, just us and a run and a long drive. realized something stupid today, what the fuck am i gonna wear?????? i think i might go find something new tomorrow. see if i can’t find a nice shirt.

he gave me several ideas for gifts too. things i can keep in mind for his birthday and for christmas. it would be a lot of fun to surprise him. i want to make him another card too. i think he would really like that.

night stalker was there again early this morning, working on the cables while we walked around the track. i hope seeing me and bb together helps dissuade this freak from trying anything. he was there after my second class too, but i only noticed him while i was on a phone call and distracted. just creeps me out. bb makes a point to keep me laughing and comfortable, lets me stay in the farthest lane from the guy, he just keeps an eye out.

i made a a stupid joke about building myself a better ass on our off season work, and he just would not let it go lmao. mentioned it several times and kept giving me that big dumb grin. i said it just to make him laugh, and it sure did. it it makes him smile i’d do just about anything. so sure, let’s laugh at my ass and how willing he’d be to help me.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/12

repeats on hills this morning, i felt strong for once and did very well. i’m thrilled with my progress even on my tired legs. my workout yesterday didn’t impact me as much as i thought it would. it felt good just to keep pushing and feel the work take over.

bb told me that i did well, too. he said he had to give me a lot of credit, apparently out of everyone he’s trained to run i’ve stuck around the longest. i’m also the only non-military person he’s worked with. told me i work harder and i’m more consistent than any of them. like always he’s right on multiple levels. we have a very similar way of thinking and he’s pushed my mentality past what i thought was possible. i’ve surpassed every goal i’ve set for myself and i’m still looking forward to see what to grasp for next. every obstacle or challenge put in front of me i’ve knocked over and pushed it into the dirt.

i know that the large part of my success comes from within me and from that effort that i put in. but so much of it is from him too. he pushes me, believes in me, keeps me around when so many others would have just disappeared. i owe him so much, and i can’t even think of a way to pay him back.

i asked him at the beginning of this morning if he was okay. he shot right back, “yeah, why? did i do something?” he claims he’s just tired. i know that’s a lie, or at least a lie by omission. i’m not going to push it. he’s in a weird spot. he wants to have a conversation with his wife about how he’s feeling and can’t find a good time. it’s her birthday. i would have told him to pass on a “happy birthday” for me, but she doesn’t deserve one.

i pulled cards again last night and got the wheel. assholes as always, i know change is coming. i know it’s unavoidable. i just don’t want it.

he said he’s getting a haircut again this week, and asking the girl to trim his beard for him. just giving me a heads up lol. maybe it will look good, i bet it will. i’ll be nice about it when i see it.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/11

longer morning than usual with bb. we were going to hit the trails for a short run, but the rain kept the parking lot closed. we ended up in the parking lot on the other side just bullshitting and laughing together. you know, like usual. he didn’t seem too upset by that. we talked about our plans for the upcoming break, a bit about training after. he asked again about 🩶 being confused. i just assured him i’m not going anywhere and that i’ll be running as long as i physically can. nothing really stand out about today, just happy to sit with him and look at the trees changing color as we listen to jokes and make them at each other. there was one moment i noticed him watching me as some dumb video was playing. just looking at me while i stared at his screen. maybe he was just watching my reaction and waiting for me to laugh. i kept noticing him taking little glances in the same way. idk, just nice to be observed i guess. we stayed a long time, too long really. i was a few minutes late for my next class. but i didn’t want to leave. i’m not really sure what was off by the time we left, but his attitude had changed a bit. he seemed down, was a bit quieter. and he got out of that parking lot quick. i’m gonna ask in the morning, but it just makes me wonder. i worry about him sometimes.

the night stalker was there again. after my second class i went upstairs for my personal leg workout. i even waited around the desk bullshitting with coworkers to make sure he wasn’t there. but the moment i set up a rack and got under the bar he showed up and stood in the rack next to me. it’s so disgustingly apparent. i avoided any type of eye contact, just so fucking weirded out. he kept fucking around with his hair in the mirror and just being WEIRD, it genuinely pissed me off. he left eventually, i guess when he realized i wasn’t going to interact with him. or maybe because of the very unattractive squat faces i was making lmao. but i’m squatting 145-150 for 3 reps now. big improvement.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/10

i thought once my period started i would be done with the senseless longing and aching in my chest for something that will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN. it hasn’t gone away. i just keep playing back things that happened this week, looks he gave me, conversations we had. i’m torturing myself because i love the way it feels.

our long run was difficult, but it really is getting easier every time. and knowing i’m making progress just pushes me to think that i can get through the marathon…i can actually do it. bb tells me i can every time i bring it up. and he tells me every time i get discouraged during a run that i have so much more in me than i think. he keeps bringing up different destination races and talking about how much fun they would be. just tell me when and where, boss. i’ll be there.

this saturday we’re heading out of town for the show, and he’s mentioned finding a trail in that city to run and explore just for something fun and new. mentioned to me that it would make it easier to time out the day as long as we could find a place to shower in between. that sent too many scenarios through my head that made me ashamed of myself. i keep circling back to the basic truth that it’s not like that, he does not see me that way. no amount of wanting or dreaming about it will change that. but i do dream about it…i had another one last night. i went to sleep debating on heading out to the trails for a walk, like i normally do on a sunday. but bb had mentioned taking his dog out there in the morning. i don’t know whether it was a subtle invitation or just a point of conversation. it’s so hard to tell with him. i wish he would be forward about things more. anyways, i ended up dreaming again of his hands on me. hitting that same feeling of recognition and trying to stay in the dream, to resist waking up. i didn’t want it to stop. it ended up raining all morning, making my decision for me.

i had lots of time with my sister this weekend too. she broke the news to our mom, and we got to enjoy the evening together talking about it and being excited. decorated her tree, just a good time all around. on the way home to drop her off though, i told her about the show bb and i get to see. and she asked me point blank, “so y’all still aren’t fuckin?” and it took the breath out of me. no, we aren’t. i don’t dare to admit to her that it’s at the front of my mind half the time. i explained to her that it just isn’t like that, the same shit i tell myself. that he’s genuinely not interested in me, it would be so stupid for me to assume otherwise. who the fuck would want this? she told me i’m deep in denial. i don’t know what to think about that.

anyways. i can’t wait to see him in the morning.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/6

sure enough, i have a solution figured out. sort of.

but i’m making it work right now. i got an apology, and it didn’t help one bit. i’m still angry, but the feeling is too dull now. i’m too tired.

the morning with bb helped. he makes me feel better, makes me laugh and keeps a smile on my face. i don’t even care to admit it anymore, i adore him and wake up for him. he poked fun at me a lot, but was sweet too. he showed me pictures someone had posted from zion park, and they made my chest ache. it’s so beautiful out there, i just want to be there one day and run those trails and be part of the mountains. i don’t know if he’s goading me into planning trips further in the future, or just trying to motivate me, i have no clue. but it really did spark something in me. i need it.

he was scrolling on his phone at one point and even admitted he was distracted and didn’t hear what i had told him. i was only mildly annoyed, said he always gets distracted when i happen to open my mouth. he had a funny look on his face, said “yeah i do get distracted by you”. i can’t put it into words but his little smile just melted me. we had a good time today. and at the very end he brought up traveling out to trails again, he wants to visit some trails in another state, weed legal state. told me we can get some on the way up or back, make it a whole trip together. i could have screamed, of course i want that. i want to do everything with you, see everything with you. just give me the chance, i’ll try my best. i’d give you everything i possibly could.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/5

i’m fucking fed up with the one person i’m supposed to be able to rely on. we exchanged vows to work together and to support each other exactly a month ago. and it’s been nothing but fuck up after fuck up.

my youngest is sick, he refuses to take medicine due to his sensory issues. forcing him to take it makes him spit it right back up. i’m at a complete loss. i’ve tried every method i know to get him to take over the counter stuff. i made 🩶 take him to the doctor this afternoon for antibiotics, and even after getting the medicine he fucked up by adding too much. i was literally begging him to help me come up with a solution to get our son to take his medicine, and he failed every time. he had the balls to look hurt when i told him he wasn’t even trying. i’m beyond livid. i’m done. i don’t want to look at him or even be in the same room right now. i can’t stand him.

and this is supposed to be my partner??? the person i rely on and trust?????? what a fucking joke.

i’m going to end up taking my son to the hospital tomorrow if we can’t figure out the medication issue. i won’t have it, he has to get better.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/4

i’m having a difficult time. i’ve been on the verge of tears all day, even through the run. my legs aren’t recovered and i’m feeling run down more than ever. i’m just exhausted. the run felt shitty and much harder then it should have been. i was on the verge of a panic episode for half the run and couldn’t even get a word out. bb asked me multiple times if i was okay, if the pace was too much, what was wrong. i was shutting down. he was kind about it though and gave me the space to finish. left me alone for a few to get control of myself again. i appreciate him. i don’t like to think about it often, but he probably knows more about me now that i’d ever admit. he can probably read my body language and emotions like a book. which is scary for me. i don’t like letting people know what i feel/think even when i’m not vulnerable and emotional. i don’t want him thinking i’m too much trouble to run with, so id rather shut up and not be a burden about it.

the last two days have been awful. i’ve tried several times to explain to 🩶 why i feel like this and how i just need him to understand and really give me support. his first thought after i explained my period cycle for the third time this week was to check his calendar and make a stupid ass joke about my being on my period for new year’s. fucking asshole. his only thought is about getting laid on our trip to texas. i can’t stand him sometimes. i don’t want you to try and fix me i just want you to give me the space i need and the help i need.

another issue i’m going to be dealing with soon is figuring out how to convince him to NOT go to the marathon with me. the last few races and events he’s been to he’s fucked up the timing and cost me sleep, preparation, and time. i don’t want him fucking up the hardest event i’ve ever committed to. i can’t miss the sleep, or the prep. it would just ruin it for me. but i also don’t know how i would do alone camping. just another thing to work through.

anyways, i have another run in the morning. short hill repeats. one of my favorites. and i get to work more on my certification material too. that should keep me going for a little bit i hope. i just want to feel like myself again. i can’t do this anymore.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/2

another long trail run, my longest one yet!!! 20 miles and strong the whole time. well. as strong as i could be today. my body is so wrecked from this week. i’m completely mentally and physically spent. i wanted so badly to give in at mile 16, i didn’t think i had anything left in me. bb knew better though. told me exactly what i had to hear. “i know you’ve got this in you.” he’s always right. and even if it’s infuriating in the moment i always appreciate it. i needed to be on the trails, needed that hard effort even if it ended up hurting me. i couldn’t bring myself to tell him what i really wanted to, that even on days like this one where i’m beat and exhausted and run down, i love doing this with him.

he told me something else that just boils my goddamn blood. that stupid fucking chore that he’s been asking his wife to finish is still undone, and now she’s saying that she’ll leave it like that just because it annoys him. she’s not being playful about it and not joking. she’s being abrasive just to bother him. i originally wanted him to hold out on his silly joke about it (growing his beard out until it was done), just because i liked the end result. but now i’m just fucking tempted to finish it the next time i’m over there. i’ll piss them both off at this point, i couldn’t care less. she puts me in a blind rage every once in a while.

we had another burger break afterwards too, he bought this time lol. and hit the ice tub again. i held out for 5 full minutes this time. i didn’t think i was able to hold out that long. i think it was entertaining for bb, made a comment about i “must be more competitive than you think”. we ended up sitting around and laughing and watching shit together for another hour or so. i just didn’t want to leave. i wanted to sit there all day and listen to him laugh and tell stories and explain sportsball to me. he was getting his grill ready to make ribs and wanted me to stay. offered for 🩶 and the boys to come eat.

i would have stayed, but couldn’t. i’ll just say that what i did end up eating was…disappointing? it’s not that it was bad, but i just knew where i really wanted to be. i don’t know how to explain it, but i don’t enjoy half hearted attempts at romance that end up making someone feel better about themselves instead of genuine intimacy. i don’t want an expensive dinner we drive 2 hours for. i don’t want to dress up just so people will look at you. i didn’t want to an afterthought essentially. how it affected me or made me fell was at the bottom of the priority list. it was all for him and his ego, like always. i hope it satisfied him for a bit.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/29

i haven’t written anything in a while, i’m in one of my depressive fits again. in a hormonal low and just wanting to sleep for days.

🩶 has been working nearly non stop. some of it necessary and some of it just because he can’t take a break. he fills whatever void inside of him with work. it makes him feel useful i suppose. my view of it is that he could actually do things that are productive to our life by helping at home instead of sitting on his laptop and making more work for himself. even the things that i’ve let him take over are done with minimal effort. the basic steps. he’s planned out first date night in 3 years though. so that’s something to look forward to. a night out in a different town, a chance to feel something again.

and again i’m stuck feeling desperate and sick to my stomach every time i think about what i actually want. what i would pick every single time. someone who wouldn’t ever waste that thought on me. that person is struggling with their own issues and the last thing they need is my interference and selfish behavior. i am embarrassingly selfish.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/23

my hormones are going to ruin my life, zero joking or kidding here. they will ruin my fucking life. i haven’t had a real sex drive in a decade and dealing with a natural urge to be fucked to death is so bizarre. for a 3-5 day period every single month i am rabid and insatiable. i practically forced myself on 🩶 last night to get some type of relief, just anything to keep me from feeling like this. it didn’t help. it must have been a great ego boost for him though.

i feel like a disgusting creep, but watching big boss work this morning even for a few sets had my pulse elevated and i swear i could smell him like never before. i can’t stop thinking about running my hands over him and grabbing him just to see what he would feel like. i can imagine it though, like grabbing a piece of carved wood. he made another little flirty joke today and i was so tempted to lean into it. teasing me about facing away from the gym security camera for deadlifts, putting on a show. and AGAIN teasing me about the night stalker guy. “at least i tell you that it’s working for me”. for fuck’s sake shut UP unless you plan on doing something about it, either grab me or make me get over it.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/19

i got to sleep in for the first time in weeks!! slept until 6:30 or so and felt so rested. i got through my morning class with almost no trouble and was feeling great getting ready for the long run. filling up my water bag, talking to my coworkers and on a high almost. then i glance up from my back pack and there’s the night stalker again. walking past me, way too close. i felt my stomach drop and i knew if i didn’t say something then it was going to be a problem in the future. my coworker made sure to let other people we work with know and they’re figuring out who this guy is. when i explained to her that this has happened multiple times a week, for weeks, she was concerned and told me that i was right to tell her. there’s just a gut feeling that something is wrong here.

i told bb about it too, he told me to start changing up the routes i take home from work and to be more aware coming and going. he also said he could hang around after my second class, joking about wearing his sunglasses and scaring the guy off. putting on his unabomber look. he knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and put me at ease again. i was really fucking shaken by this guy, and i shouldn’t have to feel that way. bb is right.

we had an incredible run though, over 18 miles and i was strong the whole time. kept up and didn’t have to walk a single incline. i haven’t been that proud of a run for a while. i felt fucking invincible. i had my quad cramp up bad with maybe 4 miles to go but was able to push through and was still smiling at the end. i ended up getting cheeseburgers and taking them to bb’s house so i could finally try his ice bath. i was terrified of it lmao. i know how bad it feels on just my shins and feet, putting my whole body in there is crazy. but i did it, and lasted 3 minutes. i really surprised myself. i’m proud of a lot of things today.

something as simple as eating some shitty food, laughing at a podcast, trying new things, pushing myself past the mental limiter, all of it makes me feel like i’m exactly where i need to me at this moment.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/18

more morning time with bb. more jokes about my weight loss. more work to keep me centered.

more talk that just cements the idea that i’m a willing fool for him. a funny little distraction that keeps following him around. he made another joke about me being like a puppy today. that’s 3 within a week. he has no clue that i would stoop to even that level. i’d sit at his feet and wait for attention. i’d beg. i’d play along. i’m pathetic.

the night stalker is back, he followed me around the gym from station to station. he makes no sense. following me to an empty area only to walk around aimlessly. just say something goddammit. anything at this point. just so i know he’s not an actual psychotic weirdo.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/16

like clockwork, the moment i’m done with my period the hormones shift and i’m on top of the world. great day professionally and personally.

i thought i was going to lose my mind and devolve into a complete animal this morning. bb stands too close sometime and the smell of him is almost too much. even when running beside him the wind will blow just right and suddenly it’s all i can think about. but anyways. he was just standing too close and showing me a video on his phone, and i couldn’t focus on a goddamn second of it. i grapple constantly with the thought of “he’s my friend, i can’t think about him like that, it’s not right”. but i can’t stop, not when he looks like that and smiles like that and dares to make me laugh the way he does. and i haven’t even hit the peak of the hormonal shift. fucking maddening.

while he was waiting for me at the trail race he struck up conversation with another woman waiting there passing time. she saw us together before the start and asked if i was his girlfriend, wife, etc. he had to explain our situation (always funny lmao) and say we’re both married just not to each other. i guess he talked a bit about how we know each other and what we do together. this lady then asked him “oh, so she’s like the work wife, or running wife ha ha” and that shit broke my brain a bit. he had to explain the term to me and sure enough it seems like it fits pretty well. i really don’t know what to make of that. he also told this woman “i think i spend more time with her than my actual wife”. again, not coping well with that. but i can’t lie, that lived in my head all day.

i checked my body fat percentage again today at work. 17% flat. my ultimate goal was 15% so i’m about 4 months away. i don’t know if 15 is sustainable or healthy, and i don’t fucking care. i’m gonna try. i want to push to an extreme for once.