sandcastles-fall

[sandcastles-fall]

11/6

sure enough, i have a solution figured out. sort of.

but i’m making it work right now. i got an apology, and it didn’t help one bit. i’m still angry, but the feeling is too dull now. i’m too tired.

the morning with bb helped. he makes me feel better, makes me laugh and keeps a smile on my face. i don’t even care to admit it anymore, i adore him and wake up for him. he poked fun at me a lot, but was sweet too. he showed me pictures someone had posted from zion park, and they made my chest ache. it’s so beautiful out there, i just want to be there one day and run those trails and be part of the mountains. i don’t know if he’s goading me into planning trips further in the future, or just trying to motivate me, i have no clue. but it really did spark something in me. i need it.

he was scrolling on his phone at one point and even admitted he was distracted and didn’t hear what i had told him. i was only mildly annoyed, said he always gets distracted when i happen to open my mouth. he had a funny look on his face, said “yeah i do get distracted by you”. i can’t put it into words but his little smile just melted me. we had a good time today. and at the very end he brought up traveling out to trails again, he wants to visit some trails in another state, weed legal state. told me we can get some on the way up or back, make it a whole trip together. i could have screamed, of course i want that. i want to do everything with you, see everything with you. just give me the chance, i’ll try my best. i’d give you everything i possibly could.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/5

i’m fucking fed up with the one person i’m supposed to be able to rely on. we exchanged vows to work together and to support each other exactly a month ago. and it’s been nothing but fuck up after fuck up.

my youngest is sick, he refuses to take medicine due to his sensory issues. forcing him to take it makes him spit it right back up. i’m at a complete loss. i’ve tried every method i know to get him to take over the counter stuff. i made 🩶 take him to the doctor this afternoon for antibiotics, and even after getting the medicine he fucked up by adding too much. i was literally begging him to help me come up with a solution to get our son to take his medicine, and he failed every time. he had the balls to look hurt when i told him he wasn’t even trying. i’m beyond livid. i’m done. i don’t want to look at him or even be in the same room right now. i can’t stand him.

and this is supposed to be my partner??? the person i rely on and trust?????? what a fucking joke.

i’m going to end up taking my son to the hospital tomorrow if we can’t figure out the medication issue. i won’t have it, he has to get better.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/4

i’m having a difficult time. i’ve been on the verge of tears all day, even through the run. my legs aren’t recovered and i’m feeling run down more than ever. i’m just exhausted. the run felt shitty and much harder then it should have been. i was on the verge of a panic episode for half the run and couldn’t even get a word out. bb asked me multiple times if i was okay, if the pace was too much, what was wrong. i was shutting down. he was kind about it though and gave me the space to finish. left me alone for a few to get control of myself again. i appreciate him. i don’t like to think about it often, but he probably knows more about me now that i’d ever admit. he can probably read my body language and emotions like a book. which is scary for me. i don’t like letting people know what i feel/think even when i’m not vulnerable and emotional. i don’t want him thinking i’m too much trouble to run with, so id rather shut up and not be a burden about it.

the last two days have been awful. i’ve tried several times to explain to 🩶 why i feel like this and how i just need him to understand and really give me support. his first thought after i explained my period cycle for the third time this week was to check his calendar and make a stupid ass joke about my being on my period for new year’s. fucking asshole. his only thought is about getting laid on our trip to texas. i can’t stand him sometimes. i don’t want you to try and fix me i just want you to give me the space i need and the help i need.

another issue i’m going to be dealing with soon is figuring out how to convince him to NOT go to the marathon with me. the last few races and events he’s been to he’s fucked up the timing and cost me sleep, preparation, and time. i don’t want him fucking up the hardest event i’ve ever committed to. i can’t miss the sleep, or the prep. it would just ruin it for me. but i also don’t know how i would do alone camping. just another thing to work through.

anyways, i have another run in the morning. short hill repeats. one of my favorites. and i get to work more on my certification material too. that should keep me going for a little bit i hope. i just want to feel like myself again. i can’t do this anymore.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/2

another long trail run, my longest one yet!!! 20 miles and strong the whole time. well. as strong as i could be today. my body is so wrecked from this week. i’m completely mentally and physically spent. i wanted so badly to give in at mile 16, i didn’t think i had anything left in me. bb knew better though. told me exactly what i had to hear. “i know you’ve got this in you.” he’s always right. and even if it’s infuriating in the moment i always appreciate it. i needed to be on the trails, needed that hard effort even if it ended up hurting me. i couldn’t bring myself to tell him what i really wanted to, that even on days like this one where i’m beat and exhausted and run down, i love doing this with him.

he told me something else that just boils my goddamn blood. that stupid fucking chore that he’s been asking his wife to finish is still undone, and now she’s saying that she’ll leave it like that just because it annoys him. she’s not being playful about it and not joking. she’s being abrasive just to bother him. i originally wanted him to hold out on his silly joke about it (growing his beard out until it was done), just because i liked the end result. but now i’m just fucking tempted to finish it the next time i’m over there. i’ll piss them both off at this point, i couldn’t care less. she puts me in a blind rage every once in a while.

we had another burger break afterwards too, he bought this time lol. and hit the ice tub again. i held out for 5 full minutes this time. i didn’t think i was able to hold out that long. i think it was entertaining for bb, made a comment about i “must be more competitive than you think”. we ended up sitting around and laughing and watching shit together for another hour or so. i just didn’t want to leave. i wanted to sit there all day and listen to him laugh and tell stories and explain sportsball to me. he was getting his grill ready to make ribs and wanted me to stay. offered for 🩶 and the boys to come eat.

i would have stayed, but couldn’t. i’ll just say that what i did end up eating was…disappointing? it’s not that it was bad, but i just knew where i really wanted to be. i don’t know how to explain it, but i don’t enjoy half hearted attempts at romance that end up making someone feel better about themselves instead of genuine intimacy. i don’t want an expensive dinner we drive 2 hours for. i don’t want to dress up just so people will look at you. i didn’t want to an afterthought essentially. how it affected me or made me fell was at the bottom of the priority list. it was all for him and his ego, like always. i hope it satisfied him for a bit.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/29

i haven’t written anything in a while, i’m in one of my depressive fits again. in a hormonal low and just wanting to sleep for days.

🩶 has been working nearly non stop. some of it necessary and some of it just because he can’t take a break. he fills whatever void inside of him with work. it makes him feel useful i suppose. my view of it is that he could actually do things that are productive to our life by helping at home instead of sitting on his laptop and making more work for himself. even the things that i’ve let him take over are done with minimal effort. the basic steps. he’s planned out first date night in 3 years though. so that’s something to look forward to. a night out in a different town, a chance to feel something again.

and again i’m stuck feeling desperate and sick to my stomach every time i think about what i actually want. what i would pick every single time. someone who wouldn’t ever waste that thought on me. that person is struggling with their own issues and the last thing they need is my interference and selfish behavior. i am embarrassingly selfish.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/23

my hormones are going to ruin my life, zero joking or kidding here. they will ruin my fucking life. i haven’t had a real sex drive in a decade and dealing with a natural urge to be fucked to death is so bizarre. for a 3-5 day period every single month i am rabid and insatiable. i practically forced myself on 🩶 last night to get some type of relief, just anything to keep me from feeling like this. it didn’t help. it must have been a great ego boost for him though.

i feel like a disgusting creep, but watching big boss work this morning even for a few sets had my pulse elevated and i swear i could smell him like never before. i can’t stop thinking about running my hands over him and grabbing him just to see what he would feel like. i can imagine it though, like grabbing a piece of carved wood. he made another little flirty joke today and i was so tempted to lean into it. teasing me about facing away from the gym security camera for deadlifts, putting on a show. and AGAIN teasing me about the night stalker guy. “at least i tell you that it’s working for me”. for fuck’s sake shut UP unless you plan on doing something about it, either grab me or make me get over it.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/19

i got to sleep in for the first time in weeks!! slept until 6:30 or so and felt so rested. i got through my morning class with almost no trouble and was feeling great getting ready for the long run. filling up my water bag, talking to my coworkers and on a high almost. then i glance up from my back pack and there’s the night stalker again. walking past me, way too close. i felt my stomach drop and i knew if i didn’t say something then it was going to be a problem in the future. my coworker made sure to let other people we work with know and they’re figuring out who this guy is. when i explained to her that this has happened multiple times a week, for weeks, she was concerned and told me that i was right to tell her. there’s just a gut feeling that something is wrong here.

i told bb about it too, he told me to start changing up the routes i take home from work and to be more aware coming and going. he also said he could hang around after my second class, joking about wearing his sunglasses and scaring the guy off. putting on his unabomber look. he knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and put me at ease again. i was really fucking shaken by this guy, and i shouldn’t have to feel that way. bb is right.

we had an incredible run though, over 18 miles and i was strong the whole time. kept up and didn’t have to walk a single incline. i haven’t been that proud of a run for a while. i felt fucking invincible. i had my quad cramp up bad with maybe 4 miles to go but was able to push through and was still smiling at the end. i ended up getting cheeseburgers and taking them to bb’s house so i could finally try his ice bath. i was terrified of it lmao. i know how bad it feels on just my shins and feet, putting my whole body in there is crazy. but i did it, and lasted 3 minutes. i really surprised myself. i’m proud of a lot of things today.

something as simple as eating some shitty food, laughing at a podcast, trying new things, pushing myself past the mental limiter, all of it makes me feel like i’m exactly where i need to me at this moment.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/18

more morning time with bb. more jokes about my weight loss. more work to keep me centered.

more talk that just cements the idea that i’m a willing fool for him. a funny little distraction that keeps following him around. he made another joke about me being like a puppy today. that’s 3 within a week. he has no clue that i would stoop to even that level. i’d sit at his feet and wait for attention. i’d beg. i’d play along. i’m pathetic.

the night stalker is back, he followed me around the gym from station to station. he makes no sense. following me to an empty area only to walk around aimlessly. just say something goddammit. anything at this point. just so i know he’s not an actual psychotic weirdo.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/16

like clockwork, the moment i’m done with my period the hormones shift and i’m on top of the world. great day professionally and personally.

i thought i was going to lose my mind and devolve into a complete animal this morning. bb stands too close sometime and the smell of him is almost too much. even when running beside him the wind will blow just right and suddenly it’s all i can think about. but anyways. he was just standing too close and showing me a video on his phone, and i couldn’t focus on a goddamn second of it. i grapple constantly with the thought of “he’s my friend, i can’t think about him like that, it’s not right”. but i can’t stop, not when he looks like that and smiles like that and dares to make me laugh the way he does. and i haven’t even hit the peak of the hormonal shift. fucking maddening.

while he was waiting for me at the trail race he struck up conversation with another woman waiting there passing time. she saw us together before the start and asked if i was his girlfriend, wife, etc. he had to explain our situation (always funny lmao) and say we’re both married just not to each other. i guess he talked a bit about how we know each other and what we do together. this lady then asked him “oh, so she’s like the work wife, or running wife ha ha” and that shit broke my brain a bit. he had to explain the term to me and sure enough it seems like it fits pretty well. i really don’t know what to make of that. he also told this woman “i think i spend more time with her than my actual wife”. again, not coping well with that. but i can’t lie, that lived in my head all day.

i checked my body fat percentage again today at work. 17% flat. my ultimate goal was 15% so i’m about 4 months away. i don’t know if 15 is sustainable or healthy, and i don’t fucking care. i’m gonna try. i want to push to an extreme for once.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/13

period finally over, depression lingering.

the race is done and i hit critical fatigue point after it. i pushed myself as hard as I could have and know that my best effort was put out there. it still doesn’t feel like enough. i never feel like enough. i want bb to be proud of me, to think that i’m good enough to keep around and keep running with. i’m terrified that he’ll figure it out one day and leave me behind. ha ha. that would probably break me for good.

he keeps telling me that i’ll be fine, the marathon is doable in december, i can get it done. i’m just scared to let him down. running has turned from my escape and my personal growth to something that centers more around him than around me. i have to bring it back to me. that’s not his fault, i just need to prioritize my mindset and start the grind again.

before the race he was making jokes at my expense like he always does, got me to threaten hitting him again. and then said “if you start hitting me again even more people at the gym will think we’re married.” it’s true, it’s happened multiple times and we get asked pretty often about what’s going on with us lol. he also said “i don’t mind, it’s pretty entertaining for me.” i couldn’t bring myself to ask why. it’s shit like that, that makes me want to peel my skin off. and for reasons i can’t possibly explain or put into words. yes, it’s funny. yes, i think the exact same thing. yes, there was a time i desperately wanted nothing more. (still is tbh.) but i think it’s the fact that i KNOW it means nothing to him, and that it’s just a joke. the fact that i’m not someone he could ever want around in that way, it hurts in a way that’s kinda unique. my appearance, my personality, it’s all a punchline and a confirmation that i’m not to be taken seriously. i’m here for entertainment. i know that, and usually i’m comfortable with that. it’s just hurting a little more today.

one more thing to try and get out of my head. 🩶 had a friend over when i was dropped off from the race. the first thing i heard when i walked in the door was his friend saying “where have you been? don’t you know you’re married now?? your husband and kids are at home and you’re out running?” it was apparently supposed to be funny. it really fucking wasn’t. a ceremony and party for his family doesn’t change a fucking thing about me or what i do or what i plan to do. makes me feel worthless. i had a fun event and finished a hard fucking run and get asked why i’m not homemaking instead. fuck the both of them.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/10

on my period, borderline depressed if i’m being honest. just sad and stuck in feelings that should have been repressed a long time ago. that strategy just doesn’t seem to stick though.

short run didn’t help either. didn’t get the opportunity to feel cleaned out and empty. i literally feel like crying for no reason. there is no reason, everything is fine!!!!! things have worked out perfectly and i have zero complaints so why am i so damn sad?????!

whatever. i’m drowning my feeling with chicken salad and my space show. it’s really ramping up now, but i keep getting distracted by overthinking the same things over and over. just need to sleep and wake up ready to work. working helps.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/9

bb and i had a fun run yesterday, long and an especially easy pace. it’s so strange to me that the pace i was struggling at a year ago is now “easy” and such a noticeably lower difficulty. but it was wonderful just to run and enjoy the feeling without strain or a certain goal in mind. we got to sit on the ground and shiver together (he didn’t even mention the park bench, just sat down close to laugh with me again. i’ll be sure to pick a table next time. i told him that because he hadn’t brought it up yet, that i was now forced to. (insert apprehensive look here)

i brought up the show we talked about, and he just seemed surprised that i was still on board. said he’d look through the dates and make sure it didn’t conflict with some other things he had going on.

sure enough, i get a message today that he’s gonna buy the tickets. we’re actually going! i’m so excited i could just burst. and he’s in charge of driving us to the race saturday, so that will be interesting lol.

he also made me laugh so hard that i fell on the floor again today. it’s always so fucking embarrassing, but i know it makes his day. i can’t help it that he’s funny in a way that makes me want to listen to him forever. his sense of humor is so silly and i think it’s a big part of why we’re such good friends. i’ll keep making a fool out of myself as long as it makes him smile.

he’s also supposed to his his hair cut tomorrow and i’m excited to see it. his beard is soooo long now and he’s resisted the urge to trim it. i keep pulling mean faces and begging him not to when he brings it up and for some reason he listens 🤣 but with shorter hair/longer beard he looks SO DAMN GOOD. idk how to explain that beyond being a creepy cunt but it’s 100% his fault for being such a nice looking old man. nothing to do with me lol

and i’m setting a goal next week to repaint my kitchen, living room, and hallway because it’s ugly and i want it to look like a sane person lives here

edit:

another weird thing, that other old man i mentioned staring at me is uhhh getting closer to me every time i’m at the gym to workout on my own now. he walks by my class room to see if i’m working, walks past whatever machine or station i’m at, makes pointed eye contact. it’s fucking weird. not a good weird. like night stalker weird. bb made a night stalker joke today and it just reminded of that weird dude. the vibe is really off now that i’ve noticed it more. una-bomber good, night stalker bad.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/5

well the wedding is over, it went off perfectly. truly miraculous that everything was well organized and happened with little fanfare. everyone attended, ate, enjoyed themselves, and was civil. i couldn’t ask for anything more.

my family was willing to sit through it, which is more than i could ask for. i looked incredible, my dress was gorgeous. my reception dress even better. everyone told me how beautiful i looked, apart from one “you look very nice” comment lmao. you can guess who. my sister was there, my mom gave me away, i am thrilled beyond belief.

and yet. it’s hard to believe that this is it.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/3

i’m completely overwhelmed today. just by the reality of my situation setting in i guess. i’m not sure what to do with my emotions at this point. maybe i’ll type it all out tomorrow. maybe i’ll just keep my thoughts to myself for once.

something is wrong and it’s just festering. i don’t know how to fix it, or talk about it, or even really think it through in my own head.

cried multiple times today, over a gift that is far beyond what i deserve. cried over phrasing that most likely means nothing. cried over the truth again.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/2

found my shoes for the wedding, AND found a pair of boots that i was more excited to have than the dumbass heels i had to buy. they’re black pony hair boots with white spots (looks like bleach spots in the best way) and i just cannot get over them 🥰 they remind me of the boots irina got on the sopranos lmaooooo. “i loooooove my new pony boots, tony” i want an occasion to wear them to, and look adorable in them.

bb told me something funny today. i’m calling it funny because i don’t know what else to think. i ended up sending him a message yesterday about the show he recommended. i completely forgot, like an asshole, that he was at his appointment at that time. he told me that my name popped up on his watch, and his first thought was “uh-oh, did she hear me?”

now i don’t know what he could have possibly been talking about, and i’m certainly not going to ask. but it’s been rattling around in my empty skull all day. was he talking about me? what could he possibly have to say about me??? it’s probably going to drive me insane and i’ll just live with it.

there was also a point where he held eye contact with me a little too long, sitting next to each other. idk what it is about his eyes, when he looks at you it truly feels like he’s looking through you. i know that’s an overused and bullshit phrase, but it’s fucking true. it feels like he sees everything i desperately keep hidden.

🩶 is making busy work for himself for no reason other than to say he’s contributing and working. i wish that i could appreciate his effort, but it’s really too little too late lol. why couldn’t you have this enthusiasm years ago? why did you have to lie to me for years? seriously why act like this is some incredible romance story instead of a marriage of convenience????? the fucking appreciation and adoration and real love left a long time ago. but he really thinks this event will fix it. i’m trying not to dwell on it like i have been for months. i want to be the person to forgive and forget but i’ve never ever forgotten.

[sandcastles-fall]

10/1

big boss is coming to the wedding this weekend. he says the he’s got a gift for us. nothing he spent money on, so it’s something he made. i can’t wait to give him a big hug.

i’m watching a show that he recommended, and i’m loving every minute of it. he pokes fun at me for making progress too slowly, and mentioned making me watch it at his house with his dogs. i might take him up on that offer soon. he’s getting his cold plunge tub set back up and already told me to come try it out after a run sometime. he also brought up a memory i hadn’t thought about in a while. last year he wanted to go see a comedian that was coming close by and deliberated for a full week about going. he kept saying “if i had someone to go with i would just buy the tickets already.” i kept encouraging him to go and enjoy it by himself, not knowing that he was asking me indirectly. i didn’t want to make it weird, and neither did he lmao. like i told him earlier we’re both kind of socially retarded. i hate that i fucked that up and missed out on that chance. he said he would be on the lookout and see if he’ll be coming back sometime. then we can go.

that’s all so far. i can always update it later, i know. i’m trying to be content and keep repeating the phrase from yesterday in my head. the love i want and the love i need are two distinctly different things, and it’s just time to make peace with that.

edit: that comedian is coming in november and i will make it happen come hell or high water

[sandcastles-fall]

9/30

for the first time in a long time i don’t want to type everything out. i’m content to keep it in my head. i don’t want it stored somewhere else so i don’t have to relive it. i don’t want to shut it out and pretend it doesn’t exist. the things i saw and heard and felt today will live happily in my mind forever, i think.

the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love. and to be loved in return.