sandcastles-fall

[sandcastles-fall]

1/18

listen. i need you to get out of my head bb. stop finding my thought about getting my hands under your shirt. you didn’t have to keep it off just to walk over and watch my dumb video. but i’m glad you did lol. i was keeping myself from looking over, watching you pull off every sweaty layer, and then you just stroll over anyways.

i like sitting close to you, i would have shivered on the bench for another hour if it meant i could stay closer.

i’m sorry you didn’t get to see the movie. that made me sad. but to be honest, laughing with you makes it impossible to stay that way. i can’t ever be angry with you either because you always have something ready to say that will make me smile.

i want to come over and watch dumb movies and laugh more with you. you keep mentioning it in vague ways and suggesting things without any follow up. does it have to be my idea? do you want me to ask?

[sandcastles-fall]

1/17

🩶 since i can’t give you genuine answers, i’ll write them all out here. i bet even if i gave you real answers you wouldn’t believe them or care.

“the thought of someone dancing with you and getting handsy-“

i have never been to a bar without you. i have never gone dancing. i have never had a. night. out. with my friends. and your first thought isn’t about me enjoying myself, isn’t about how that experience might be for me, it’s about someone else touching your toy. is that it? someone else touching your property? i didn’t raise a single concern on that multi day bachelor party you went to and spent hundreds on. matter of fact…i’ve never complained about your trips and antics.

“my confidence and coherence is directly linked to my internal view of your perception of me”

this is fucking word salad. YOUR view of MY perception? so my words and actions mean nothing to you, it’s all about what you THINK i feel like. the effort and time and sacrifice i’ve put into this means less that whatever your whims tell you. bullshit.

“you’re the only person that can make me feel on top of a mountain or underneath it”

i will not be held responsible for your self esteem. when i begged you to help me with my own mental state and my own feelings of worthlessness you turned away and gave me the number to a therapist. i ended up fixing myself and turning my mind and body into exactly what i wanted. you rotted. you became complacent and only noticed that i was growing when other people started complimenting me. when other people started to appreciate my work. i’m a beautiful woman with a clear mindset and a strength that i’ve built up over years of individual work. if you want to match that then put in the same amount of effort. i will not be dragged down just to stroke your ego and make you feel important. fuck that.

“i don’t know why i have such a complex about you leaving”

i don’t either. i’ve stuck around for much fucking less. you lied, you’ve fucked around, you’ve put me on the back burner, you’ve made yourself a priority in the wrong ways. you’ve put me through so much, and here i am still. coping and trying my best to grow despite you.

stop being a fucking child, and assume responsibility for your emotions like a grown man.

[sandcastles-fall]

1/16

why can’t i just run forever

why can’t i just keep going through burning lungs and screaming joints until i collapse

why can’t i stop thinking of you and repeating your name like a mantra

why can’t i love you like a normal person, a friend, a stable platonic companion

why can’t you love me

[sandcastles-fall]

1/13

i’m so sick of writing into a void, i just want to scream at you. i need you to hear what goes through my head day after day.

i want you so badly that it overrides all other thoughts, there are times that i can’t stand to look at you because i realize i’m staring again with love. or lust. or both. i’m so sorry that i couldn’t tell you my thoughts earlier. i promise that you wouldn’t want to hear them. it’s was only the same thing as last week. i couldn’t keep myself from imagining what you would feel like under my hands. how am i supposed to feel any other way when you bring my attention there constantly. you stretch and joke and lift your shirt up just a bit too far to be decent, at this point i think you’re doing it on purpose. i want to slide my fingers under your shirt and study your reaction, i just want to touch you. you kept staring at me trying to get me to give in. i want to tell you, but i’m too afraid. i can’t be the one to cross that line bb, i’m sorry. i wonder what went through your head as you stared at me, if you were just amused by my dumb ass. i wonder what you could have been thinking.

you got too close to me, showing me that video. i wanted to close that gap and breathe you in. be more cautious around me. one day i won’t be able to stop myself.

[sandcastles-fall]

1/12

i’m desperate to suppress the animal sex drive i have again, i’m in the big upswing of my hormonal cycle and all i want is to be fucked.

i ended up having a long text conversation with 🕷️ about our strange friendship. he told me how badly he wants me and that he thinks about me an “unhealthy” amount. told me that my body makes him unbearably horny. i wish we had an opportunity to use each other the way we both want. i keep kicking around the idea of just letting it happen, just allowing him to grab me and fuck me and claim me. but the guilt eats me alive every time he texts me. part of it is about my relationship. the other part is about bb. i always feel that he would be disgusted by me. that he would see me in a much different way if he ever knew.

about bb. i finally gave him his christmas present (it was super late). i love to see him smile and would do anything to get it. i was watching him while i was on the treadmill and taking it little details. watching his shoulders and back move, seeing his hair get sweat soaked and stick to him, looking at his fingers with little scrapes and scratches from working. wondering what he would do if i just slid my hands under his shirt and over his belly. i still feel horrible thinking about him like i do. maybe he wouldn’t be too upset lol but it’s still something i wont admit. i know he doesn’t feel that way about me, i’ll get over it eventually. i can still keep imagining what his hands would feel like on me, in me.

everything is about sex today. so fucking frustrating to be completely absorbed with it.

even the night stalker guy lol. i went to see a movie and the “monster” (horny ancient demon) looked a lot like him. i’m actually insane.

[sandcastles-fall]

1/1

there’s been too much happen to even begin to summarize or remember. just know that the feeling never dimmed or faded. if anything i love him more now than i ever thought possible. i still don’t know what to do with this feeling. all i can think about every single day is how much i want to show him and tell him, to explain that every moment is just more longing. but there’s no point. i know what i am, i know what this is.

our big race…i ended up making him proud again. #2 female, #5 overall. only 9 minutes behind him. that dickhead was eating a cheeseburger when i crossed the line. still one of the funniest things ever. he’s said multiple times that he feels bad about that, but it was a good memory. the whole race, the night before, camping in the little cabin together, the spaghetti dinner, the gang signs. it all lives in a ball in my head, on the shelf with the rest of the races. it’s ice cold and filled with rocks, just like the trail.

we took a little trip together to another gorgeous bit of trail, spent the entire day driving and running and enjoying the company. that one is a glass terrarium with a gorgeous green fern in it. i don’t have to say much about the trip, it’s in my head forever now.

ended up taking another trip out of town recently, spent several days away and off from work and running. it was a much needed break, truly. but i was just anxious to be home again. and i know it was a joke. i know that’s all it is. but bb mentioning “separation anxiety” hit me too close. that’s exactly what it felt like to not be around him.

i can’t wait to see what this year has in store now.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/20

today was better. i was able to distance myself and nearly remove that feeling of obsession. i was able to have fun and be in the moment with bb and my classes and my actual life. the only moment i had was irrational and easy to dismiss.

we laughed hard and it was like it was a few months ago, care free and effortless.

fine. one moment to tell. he had shown me something on his phone for me to laugh at, i was falling over myself as usual and wasn’t too careful handing it back. his fingers grazed over mine, not just the little fingertip touch i’m used to. i’m not going to dramatize it or anything, it was just nice. that’s all.

i’m also working on loving myself, being in love with the person i am and who i’ve become in the past few years. she’s incredible. she’s funny. she’s sweet, and eager, and helpful, and a good listener. she’s loud, she takes no shit, she stands up for herself, she believes in her own abilities and intellect. i’m worth loving, i think.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/17

i think i’m going to stop writing here. it’s unfair to bb and to myself. i can’t keep up this fictional expectation of someone i want to be my friend. i can’t keep letting myself believe a delusion. it’s beyond fucked up.

once again the trail therapy session has me seeing clearly and logically. a good 20 minutes of crying always seems to help. i’m truly done, i think.

who knows, i might come crawling back again. like always. i’ll keep these here just in case, and just to read through and remind myself what my brain is capable of rationalizing. i’m content being the gym wife, i think.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/15

it was a cold morning, but i might never have noticed.

it’s another one i just want to keep for myself.

bb’s hair looked so fucking good. even his beard looked great. i wish i could tell him how great i actually think it looks. we had a lot of fun moments today, but i don’t think anything tops him calling me “gym wife” right before we left. it caught me so off guard and made me laugh so hard. i hope hearing me laugh like that made him happy, and that’s the reaction he was going for. i’ve seriously smiled about it all day. we get to spend almost all of tomorrow together, and i’m trying very hard to keep my excitement stifled. i don’t need to make it into a big deal.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/14

managed to fit the entire hour run in before i had to work this morning. always nice. pace is still holding steady below 9 min per mile.

bb spent a good chunk of the run complaining about his wife. i won’t type it all out, but it made me wonder a bit. does he even want this to work out between them? does he even want to be around her anymore?? it certainly doesn’t sound like it. i don’t want to be the little voice encouraging that behavior, i really don’t. i want to be his friend that he can vent to. but it’s getting harder and harder to just listen.

i got vaguely depressed this morning thinking more about it. i don’t know what i really want. i don’t want to lose what i have with bb. i don’t want to push him away and jesus christ i don’t want to put him in a position where he has to reject me and tell me he’s not attracted to me, or that he can’t be friends anymore. i’m just stupid and selfish like i’ve always been. i’m fucking trying to be better.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/13

not a lot to say, i had a wonderful morning. it just felt easy and effortless making each other laugh and falling all over the place again. i love seeing him smile and laugh loud. it’s just so simple to be around him. i hope he feels the same way about me. i can’t wait to spend all day with him saturday, just us and a run and a long drive. realized something stupid today, what the fuck am i gonna wear?????? i think i might go find something new tomorrow. see if i can’t find a nice shirt.

he gave me several ideas for gifts too. things i can keep in mind for his birthday and for christmas. it would be a lot of fun to surprise him. i want to make him another card too. i think he would really like that.

night stalker was there again early this morning, working on the cables while we walked around the track. i hope seeing me and bb together helps dissuade this freak from trying anything. he was there after my second class too, but i only noticed him while i was on a phone call and distracted. just creeps me out. bb makes a point to keep me laughing and comfortable, lets me stay in the farthest lane from the guy, he just keeps an eye out.

i made a a stupid joke about building myself a better ass on our off season work, and he just would not let it go lmao. mentioned it several times and kept giving me that big dumb grin. i said it just to make him laugh, and it sure did. it it makes him smile i’d do just about anything. so sure, let’s laugh at my ass and how willing he’d be to help me.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/12

repeats on hills this morning, i felt strong for once and did very well. i’m thrilled with my progress even on my tired legs. my workout yesterday didn’t impact me as much as i thought it would. it felt good just to keep pushing and feel the work take over.

bb told me that i did well, too. he said he had to give me a lot of credit, apparently out of everyone he’s trained to run i’ve stuck around the longest. i’m also the only non-military person he’s worked with. told me i work harder and i’m more consistent than any of them. like always he’s right on multiple levels. we have a very similar way of thinking and he’s pushed my mentality past what i thought was possible. i’ve surpassed every goal i’ve set for myself and i’m still looking forward to see what to grasp for next. every obstacle or challenge put in front of me i’ve knocked over and pushed it into the dirt.

i know that the large part of my success comes from within me and from that effort that i put in. but so much of it is from him too. he pushes me, believes in me, keeps me around when so many others would have just disappeared. i owe him so much, and i can’t even think of a way to pay him back.

i asked him at the beginning of this morning if he was okay. he shot right back, “yeah, why? did i do something?” he claims he’s just tired. i know that’s a lie, or at least a lie by omission. i’m not going to push it. he’s in a weird spot. he wants to have a conversation with his wife about how he’s feeling and can’t find a good time. it’s her birthday. i would have told him to pass on a “happy birthday” for me, but she doesn’t deserve one.

i pulled cards again last night and got the wheel. assholes as always, i know change is coming. i know it’s unavoidable. i just don’t want it.

he said he’s getting a haircut again this week, and asking the girl to trim his beard for him. just giving me a heads up lol. maybe it will look good, i bet it will. i’ll be nice about it when i see it.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/11

longer morning than usual with bb. we were going to hit the trails for a short run, but the rain kept the parking lot closed. we ended up in the parking lot on the other side just bullshitting and laughing together. you know, like usual. he didn’t seem too upset by that. we talked about our plans for the upcoming break, a bit about training after. he asked again about 🩶 being confused. i just assured him i’m not going anywhere and that i’ll be running as long as i physically can. nothing really stand out about today, just happy to sit with him and look at the trees changing color as we listen to jokes and make them at each other. there was one moment i noticed him watching me as some dumb video was playing. just looking at me while i stared at his screen. maybe he was just watching my reaction and waiting for me to laugh. i kept noticing him taking little glances in the same way. idk, just nice to be observed i guess. we stayed a long time, too long really. i was a few minutes late for my next class. but i didn’t want to leave. i’m not really sure what was off by the time we left, but his attitude had changed a bit. he seemed down, was a bit quieter. and he got out of that parking lot quick. i’m gonna ask in the morning, but it just makes me wonder. i worry about him sometimes.

the night stalker was there again. after my second class i went upstairs for my personal leg workout. i even waited around the desk bullshitting with coworkers to make sure he wasn’t there. but the moment i set up a rack and got under the bar he showed up and stood in the rack next to me. it’s so disgustingly apparent. i avoided any type of eye contact, just so fucking weirded out. he kept fucking around with his hair in the mirror and just being WEIRD, it genuinely pissed me off. he left eventually, i guess when he realized i wasn’t going to interact with him. or maybe because of the very unattractive squat faces i was making lmao. but i’m squatting 145-150 for 3 reps now. big improvement.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/10

i thought once my period started i would be done with the senseless longing and aching in my chest for something that will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN. it hasn’t gone away. i just keep playing back things that happened this week, looks he gave me, conversations we had. i’m torturing myself because i love the way it feels.

our long run was difficult, but it really is getting easier every time. and knowing i’m making progress just pushes me to think that i can get through the marathon…i can actually do it. bb tells me i can every time i bring it up. and he tells me every time i get discouraged during a run that i have so much more in me than i think. he keeps bringing up different destination races and talking about how much fun they would be. just tell me when and where, boss. i’ll be there.

this saturday we’re heading out of town for the show, and he’s mentioned finding a trail in that city to run and explore just for something fun and new. mentioned to me that it would make it easier to time out the day as long as we could find a place to shower in between. that sent too many scenarios through my head that made me ashamed of myself. i keep circling back to the basic truth that it’s not like that, he does not see me that way. no amount of wanting or dreaming about it will change that. but i do dream about it…i had another one last night. i went to sleep debating on heading out to the trails for a walk, like i normally do on a sunday. but bb had mentioned taking his dog out there in the morning. i don’t know whether it was a subtle invitation or just a point of conversation. it’s so hard to tell with him. i wish he would be forward about things more. anyways, i ended up dreaming again of his hands on me. hitting that same feeling of recognition and trying to stay in the dream, to resist waking up. i didn’t want it to stop. it ended up raining all morning, making my decision for me.

i had lots of time with my sister this weekend too. she broke the news to our mom, and we got to enjoy the evening together talking about it and being excited. decorated her tree, just a good time all around. on the way home to drop her off though, i told her about the show bb and i get to see. and she asked me point blank, “so y’all still aren’t fuckin?” and it took the breath out of me. no, we aren’t. i don’t dare to admit to her that it’s at the front of my mind half the time. i explained to her that it just isn’t like that, the same shit i tell myself. that he’s genuinely not interested in me, it would be so stupid for me to assume otherwise. who the fuck would want this? she told me i’m deep in denial. i don’t know what to think about that.

anyways. i can’t wait to see him in the morning.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/6

sure enough, i have a solution figured out. sort of.

but i’m making it work right now. i got an apology, and it didn’t help one bit. i’m still angry, but the feeling is too dull now. i’m too tired.

the morning with bb helped. he makes me feel better, makes me laugh and keeps a smile on my face. i don’t even care to admit it anymore, i adore him and wake up for him. he poked fun at me a lot, but was sweet too. he showed me pictures someone had posted from zion park, and they made my chest ache. it’s so beautiful out there, i just want to be there one day and run those trails and be part of the mountains. i don’t know if he’s goading me into planning trips further in the future, or just trying to motivate me, i have no clue. but it really did spark something in me. i need it.

he was scrolling on his phone at one point and even admitted he was distracted and didn’t hear what i had told him. i was only mildly annoyed, said he always gets distracted when i happen to open my mouth. he had a funny look on his face, said “yeah i do get distracted by you”. i can’t put it into words but his little smile just melted me. we had a good time today. and at the very end he brought up traveling out to trails again, he wants to visit some trails in another state, weed legal state. told me we can get some on the way up or back, make it a whole trip together. i could have screamed, of course i want that. i want to do everything with you, see everything with you. just give me the chance, i’ll try my best. i’d give you everything i possibly could.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/5

i’m fucking fed up with the one person i’m supposed to be able to rely on. we exchanged vows to work together and to support each other exactly a month ago. and it’s been nothing but fuck up after fuck up.

my youngest is sick, he refuses to take medicine due to his sensory issues. forcing him to take it makes him spit it right back up. i’m at a complete loss. i’ve tried every method i know to get him to take over the counter stuff. i made 🩶 take him to the doctor this afternoon for antibiotics, and even after getting the medicine he fucked up by adding too much. i was literally begging him to help me come up with a solution to get our son to take his medicine, and he failed every time. he had the balls to look hurt when i told him he wasn’t even trying. i’m beyond livid. i’m done. i don’t want to look at him or even be in the same room right now. i can’t stand him.

and this is supposed to be my partner??? the person i rely on and trust?????? what a fucking joke.

i’m going to end up taking my son to the hospital tomorrow if we can’t figure out the medication issue. i won’t have it, he has to get better.

[sandcastles-fall]

11/4

i’m having a difficult time. i’ve been on the verge of tears all day, even through the run. my legs aren’t recovered and i’m feeling run down more than ever. i’m just exhausted. the run felt shitty and much harder then it should have been. i was on the verge of a panic episode for half the run and couldn’t even get a word out. bb asked me multiple times if i was okay, if the pace was too much, what was wrong. i was shutting down. he was kind about it though and gave me the space to finish. left me alone for a few to get control of myself again. i appreciate him. i don’t like to think about it often, but he probably knows more about me now that i’d ever admit. he can probably read my body language and emotions like a book. which is scary for me. i don’t like letting people know what i feel/think even when i’m not vulnerable and emotional. i don’t want him thinking i’m too much trouble to run with, so id rather shut up and not be a burden about it.

the last two days have been awful. i’ve tried several times to explain to 🩶 why i feel like this and how i just need him to understand and really give me support. his first thought after i explained my period cycle for the third time this week was to check his calendar and make a stupid ass joke about my being on my period for new year’s. fucking asshole. his only thought is about getting laid on our trip to texas. i can’t stand him sometimes. i don’t want you to try and fix me i just want you to give me the space i need and the help i need.

another issue i’m going to be dealing with soon is figuring out how to convince him to NOT go to the marathon with me. the last few races and events he’s been to he’s fucked up the timing and cost me sleep, preparation, and time. i don’t want him fucking up the hardest event i’ve ever committed to. i can’t miss the sleep, or the prep. it would just ruin it for me. but i also don’t know how i would do alone camping. just another thing to work through.

anyways, i have another run in the morning. short hill repeats. one of my favorites. and i get to work more on my certification material too. that should keep me going for a little bit i hope. i just want to feel like myself again. i can’t do this anymore.