sandcastles-fall - Tumblr blog

[sandcastles-fall]

9/23

an easy run, a nice light rain, and then a downpour to watch out my window. the rain is washing me clean and bringing me back into focus.

i got another course record out on the trails, an even better time than last week. my shin kept burning and telling me i need to do more supplemental work. it still felt good to get out there and be in the trees again. i really only feel happy when i’m there. big boss apologized after i told him what pissed me off. he made a joke about my ass (not the first time) and it just stuck in my craw a bit. he was in a good mood though and was being very silly. i’ll be thinking about his dumb bit with the towel all day. i thought he was having a bad weekend from the texts i got back, but i forget how dry his written communication is. he told me he laughed hard at my stupid pizza comment, and idk i just need to stop fixating on him. hard, i know. he asked about me going back to school and seemed happy to hear i still have a plan. maybe he’s got some idea of what i’m trying to do, maybe not. but the support is much needed. okay i’ll give myself 30 seconds to be pathetic. his beard is SO long now and when he sweats or it’s humid out it gets a bit curly and frizzy and a lot more noticeable 🥰 i’m going to fucking beg him not to cut it lmao like PLEASE on my knees begging it looks too good.

and guess who was there for my second class of the day…my favorite pull-up partner. his dumpster fire situation was apparently resolved in a painful and emotional way. i have no other details and no other insight and he was not willing to share that. and that’s okay. i got THREE full pull-ups and he was very excited. we got through two rounds of development work and i got to hear some stories from his basic training. i just appreciate him and his presence, he’s very motivating and very funny. i hope that whatever he’s going through will turn out okay, i don’t want to pry too much into his life. just like i don’t want him to pry into mine.

🕷️ what do i even say about him? the smart answer is nothing at all.

[sandcastles-fall]

9/22

dani is back.

she clawed her way back out of my throat while the rain soaked me to the bone. an hour wandering in a downpour apparently fixed me. i’m no longer pathetically waiting on a man of all things to save me and fix me and love me. i love myself and who i’ve become, and i love the girl i left behind in order to grow. they deserve so much more than a stupid daydream and fantasy. i’ve wasted so much time on a man that can’t possibly help me.

i’m going to take what i want, exactly as i want it. i’m going to let her in again and follow her lead. she’s powerful and she can help me BE what i need. i will suck dry every resource around me if i have to. i will succeed and thrive on my own. no one is going to help me, but me.

i no longer care.

[sandcastles-fall]

9/21

it’s been a few days. had some runs, had some crying fits. the usual. the man i’m in love with is distracted by his long time ex and talked about paying her bills today lmao. fucking hilarious. i’m seething and too upset to even lie to myself about it. she’s miles and miles away. she ignored you for weeks. she’s using you for emotional validation and a back up plan. she’s a mess, and i’m terrified that he’s just waiting for the opportunity to run to her. it makes me feel sick. he was mean today, making fun of me and it felt like he was just fed up. i’m sorry. i really don’t mean to be slow and stupid. i wish i could be what you want. i would do anything. i make my silly jokes and try to make a fool of myself just to make you smile. i want you happy, i just want you to keep me around.

so i’m coping okay i guess. i’m trying to project all my disgusting wants on 🕷️ as he inches closer and closer to giving in. he spent two days losing his mind and telling me that he’d do anything to get me in his car early one morning. he sounds so desperate now and his real jealousy seeped through. calling himself territorial and selfish, he said he wanted to be the only man to touch me. i think i’m just as desperate at this point and just want the validation that a man would want me. would ruin his life for me. i want to be worth something even if it’s wrong.

i’ve thought about my newest friend all weekend. he left abruptly last class and told me that his life is “on fire” and something is very obviously wrong. 🎈 is an open person and he’s told me a bit about himself and his life in the brief time i’ve known him. but he’s holding something big back. i’m giving him that space but i don’t want him to think i’d judge him for anything. he knows a tiny bit about me and hasn’t even flinched.

now that i think about it, all of them know the smallest pieces and have only stuck around and leaned in. but god…i don’t want them to know any more. i don’t want them to leave me.

[sandcastles-fall]

9/18

today was a phenomenal day. truly one of the better ones in quite a while. my classes were enjoyable, i got a workout in with them, i was able to open up and be vulnerable for all of 15 seconds today, i had two good (!!) pull-ups when i checked in with 🎈, and i’m off my damned period. at least he waited until after class to bring up the dumb shit he said on monday. he said he didn’t mean anything by it, “wrong thing to say, wrong time” and all that shit. i just wanted to ignore it completely and keep working on pull-ups. we slid right back into the normal bullshit and conversation between sets. so that’s nice lol. i really have made progress and he says we’re moving to 2 rounds of it on friday! or whenever i see him, who knows when he’ll be showing up.

my legs are trashed from yesterday’s run and my class this morning. so 🛸 and i spent our time just talking and walking the track. my favorite mornings lol. he said so too. he made me laugh really hard (of course) and said “see? that makes the whole morning worth it.” that sentence hit me so hard that i thought i was going to break right then and there. i want his entire day filled with that feeling. he should laugh and smile all day, and maybe he does. i’m hoping he finds every opportunity to laugh during his days. if it would make him happy i would spend all of my days trying.

we also talked more about his appointments, he brought it up himself this time. i think that’s an improvement alone. but he’s getting frustrated with the bare minimum this government employee is providing. she suggested journaling as a way to help manage anxiety and intrusive thoughts. i think it would work well for him as long as he’s consistent in his approach and uses it as a tool. i tried to explain my process with it and even told him about my mental highway. as stupid as it sounds it has always helped me. i wish i knew what would help him the most, i don’t want him to keep thinking something is wrong with him. he seemed to listen to me but kept pushing jokes and one liners at me the whole time. it’s a coping skill I KNOW but it was just very apparent today. i felt very odd giving him this intensely personal information about myself, things i don’t even talk with 🩶 about, and i told him i didn’t like doing all the talking. which was unfair of me. i’ve been pretty ruthlessly cracking his shell open and i’ve only been successful because he wants me to be. he wanted me to see behind the person suit a bit and i really have taken that for granted. it’s only fair that i give an inch or two in return. i’m just afraid if he saw in my head he would hate it. no one else has been in there for a long, long time.

[sandcastles-fall]

9/17

i’m feeling just a tiny bit depressed. we had 800 meter repeats today and my paces weren’t quite what they needed to be. i had a side stitch that kept cropping up and it lingered especially in the last 2 intervals. i know not every run can be the best run ever. i just wish i had more to show for today’s effort i guess. 🛸 was still happy with the effort and tried to get me to agree. i wish we had gotten more time to ourselves. the run was looooong and it’s always hard getting separated during the workouts. he even mentioned that yesterday, telling me to bring a head lamp and saying “i don’t want us separated too far, but just in case”. that’s more cautionary than anything though.

he sat so close to me today after the run. our knees were practically touching and he was leaning in to show me things on his phone. just lean in a little bit more next time, boss. just reach out and put your hand on my knee instead. it reminded me of the time we sat for an hour in the back of his wife’s car, almost shoulder to shoulder waiting out the rain. he’s still playfully complaining about his beard coming in (he’s refusing to cut it out of spite STILL) and at this point i don’t want him to cut it at all. it looks adorable and he can run his fingers through it again. i bet if i give him enough nudges and compliments he’ll keep it. can’t hurt to try lol.

we also ended up pulling a duck out of the mud, the poor thing was stuck on a fishing lure. he couldn’t get the weight or hook or whatever it was out of its throat, but he cut the line while i held her and then she swam off. he had me grab a knife out of his truck and i saw his notebook again. the card was still stuck in there.

[sandcastles-fall]

9/16

dear god, it’s me again. i’m once again hopelessly in love with one of your perfect creations. their very being pulls at my heart and their dickhead behavior melts me every time.

as soon as we arrived at the trail i asked 🛸 what crawled up his ass over the weekend, he seemed very manic and distracted early. turns out he was just a bit nervy. he gave me a small notebook, identical to the one he carries with him. he wrote down movies, books, tv shows he wants me to watch so we can talk about them. he gave me a homework assignment. he was explaining why he carries one, showing me his book, and he had the birthday card i made for him tucked in the cover. he said he looks at it every once in a while to make himself laugh.

he’s kept that card for six months. and i had no idea. not even that, he keeps it in the notebook he carries every day. he keeps it on him. it’s taken a few hours for that thought to really sink in i suppose. i’ve been trying to lie to myself and say that it’s not that significant, that it’s only for the joke. but i know that’s not true at all. what the fuck is happening?? that’s, like, my type of mentally ill behavior lmao. i literally kept the caffeine strips he gave me during a race just because they were from him. that’s my brand of pathetic and lovesick. i’m tired of trying to gaslight myself. i’m exhausted and i feel worthless from bending my perception to fit whatever narrative my head has cooked up. i mean something to him, i just have no idea what.

i think i’m having such a hard time because of the 2nd line crossing encounter. after a week of missed classes and lots of wondering 🎈 walked back in (to both classes i add). he got to meet 🛸 and after the second class showed me pictures from his roadtrip and told me stories of trying to keep up with 20-something party kids. it was really nice to see him and laugh with him. just wish he could have kept from talking about me. there’s an unspoken situation with me and 🛸, he knows that he can’t tell me positive things or compliment me in a direct way. i can’t process it, and don’t accept it. i deflect, reject, and get outright hostile eventually. i always feel like compliments ring hollow and are only there to make someone more vulnerable and an easier target. i don’t fucking like comments on how i look, especially from people that i genuinely like. so when 🎈starts in with the “look at your lats coming in” or “has anyone ever taken pictures so you can see yourself” or “i gotta stop looking at you like that” it makes me twist and squirm because they’re just not fucking true. STOP saying shit to try and make me FEEL a certain way. stop manipulating me goddammit.

he told me to lift my arm at one point and fucking pinched and prodded my lat muscle, and that was about the breaking point. i know he thinks it’s nice and polite, and reinforcing or whatever the fuck. but c’mon man, JUST BE MEAN TO ME PLEASE. i feel bad because i cut him off and only turned around to explain what’s wrong with me. he just looked sad.