#honestly now thinking it's probably because of the lack of shading. i always add simple shadows to melt.

[minty-frost]

I'm thinking of making a little explanation of how I draw Meltdown, specifically of how I quickly draw him for doodles and still keep the design recognisable.

[mashkaroom]

Lengthy analysis of Holes, as promised!. This will include spoilers, which will be marked. Just gonna go through the book and the philosophy/themes/connections I caught onto this time around. Stuff discussed, in order: connections to Camus, on the question of children’s books, systems, cycles, and why Stanley is gay and jewish 😏

Camus:

The first and perhaps most obvious set of texts/theories it makes sense to put Holes in conversation with is the works of Albert Camus. Holes starts out with a description of the sun and the heat, which readers of the Stranger will remember are major themes there. The heat continues to be a prominent part of the story, though thematically, it functions very differently in the two books. In The Stranger it primarily represents the indifference of the universe (or at least so claim a ton of sources and I’m inclined to agree) and the lack of control we exert over our own lives while in Holes it’s basically the opposite of that. The heat and drought is implied to be a semi-divine punishment for a past injustice and, moreover, the elite adults of the camp have air conditioning and access to shade: the sun does not affect everyone equally in Holes as it does in The Stranger (though even that is debatable: I don’t think this was Camus’s intent, but it’s notable that it’s only the white englishman who’s driven to murder by the sun. This could certainly be read as critique of colonizers who cannot/refuse to coexist with the land and environment and how the indigenous population always suffers for it, but I digress). The other Camusian parallel one is immediately inclined to draw is that, of course, of Sysiphus: there’s the repetitive and seemingly meaningless act of digging holes not to mention that carrying stuff up a mountain is both thematically and plot-wise a very important part of Holes. But, once again, it is eventually revealed that both acts do carry an inherent meaning. Holes does not present the image of an uncaring universe: on the contrary, destiny and semi-divine influence plays a major role. The story may start out with a series of seemingly random and inherently meaningless events, but as the story progresses, people, actions, items, and events become increasingly imbued with meaning. In the Holes universe, one must imagine Sisyphus redeemed, not through the act of rolling the stone but by rebelling against it. I have difficulty imagining that Sachar was not thinking of Camus while writing Holes, or, at the very least, that if he encountered Camus afterwards, he must have been struck by the similarities. I don’t know if there was a specific intent in creating a story so embroiled in Camusian absurdism, especially since the target readership is (allegedly) children who almost certainly are not recognizing specific allusions to Camus, so perhaps the similarities are purely aesthetic — after all, everything that is nominally similar does play quite different thematic roles. However, I would never pass up the opportunity to talk about the myth of sisyphus and I think placing Holes in dialogue with Camus can raise some interesting questions about the nature of meaning.

Is Holes a children’s book?

Speaking, though, of the target audience, the audience for this book is in fact children. What about it makes it a children’s book makes it difficult to say: the protagonists are children (and, I would argue, it is not a coming of age story, despite the claims of one piece of lit crit about Holes in which i disagreed with almost every claim made, but i digress once more) and the writing style is fairly simple: you can read it with a second-grader’s vocabulary. Also, of course, being a children’s book doesn’t (and crucially shouldn’t!) mean that it’s lacking in depth and complexity. However, I think most thematically rich children’s books tend to be quite allegorical. The Little Prince is a good example. Holes is just way too specific for its sole market to be children. It’s either intended to be read by multiple generations at once or for child readers to return to it as an adult. It addresses themes of racism (and not just generic racism, anti-black racism in the reconstruction south), homelessness, intergenerational trauma. and the modern carceral system. These are social critiques that will probably go over most kids’ heads (certainly over mine). However, the themes of the text are not inaccessible for children. You don’t have to understand the particular history of the US criminal justice system or even that Sachar is making a comparison to anything specific to get that the system that he’s portraying is unjust. Knowing the real-world context just adds another layer to the text. Holes also has one of the hallmarks of children’s books that I really like, which is a particular type of absurdism that the child characters come up against. This always rang true to me as a kid and well into my teens, when you start understanding that your life is controlled by some set of systems, but you haven’t quite gotten what those systems are or why and how they came about. Like nowadays, I can say “we did this in elementary school because of a state law, that because of a federal law, that because of the history of puritanism, and this because we got a grant for it”, but as a kid nobody tells you these things or really even cares to explain why the rules are as they are, and the systems that govern your world, often with no small degree of violence and almost always with an inherent disregard for your agency, are ineffable and slippery, and good children’s books capture this really well (Series of Unfortunate Events is probably my favorite example of this, where a secret organization that everything is implicated in and more more tragicomic details about it get revealed until the Baudelaire children find themselves to some degree members with mixed feelings is honestly an excellent coming-of-age allegory. oh, not to mention the constant conflict with bureacracy. god that series is so good, everyone read it). Back to Holes, Sachar weaves the more fantastical ineffable elements in with real-world issues so neatly. Stanley’s family is allegedly cursed, which is why Stanley keeps having bad luck, but he also lives in systemic poverty, which is also why he keeps having bad luck. Sachar eschews neither the allegorical elements common in children’s literature nor the more direct systemic critiques more often found in YA and adult lit, and it creates a really unique vibe. I think the story really benefited from having a children’s author, and I would love to see more authors in both children’s and adult lit do this!

Systems

Speaking of the systems, this book is surprisingly radical. Like it’s full-on an abolitionist text. The law is pretty much only ever presented as adversarial, both in the story of Stanley’s present time, and in Kate and Sam’s story. It’s implied if not stated repeatedly that Stanley and the other boys are pretty much victims of circumstance and have been imprisoned pretty much for the crime of being poor. The hole-digging is shown to be cruel and bad for the boys. It’s noted that in digging the holes Stanley’s heart hardened along with his muscles. This is of course very evocative of the system of retributive justice we have in America. Additionally, Camp Greenlake’s existence can ultimately be traced back to an act of racist violence, also in close parallel with our prison system. Hole’s stance on justice is very restorative. Punishments are never shown to work: only through righting the wrongs can true justice be achieved. Moreover, Holes even gives the opportunity for redemption to a minor antagonist when [minor spoiler] Derrick Dunne, the kid who was bullying Stanley in the beginning ultimately plays a small role in helping Stanley regain his freedom [spoiler over].

Cycles

Cycles are a major theme in holes, and Sachar creates a unique temporality to support this theme. There are 3 interwoven stories: that of Stanley’s in the present date, that of Stanley’s ancestors, and that of the land that Stanley is on (though, as I will delve into later, it’s at least a little implied that Stanley is descended from the characters in that story also). The stories from the past reach in and touch the present. You can’t untangle the past from the future. Looking at this again through a social justice lens, it could be seen as fairly progressive commentary on what to do with regards to America’s past wrongs. The past cannot and will not be left in the past: it must be dealt with on an ongoing basis. Even the warden, the greatest villain of Stanley’s story has a sympathetic moment at the end where it’s revealed that she, too, is stuck in a cycle of intergenerational trauma she can’t break free from.

Stanley is gay and jewish

Ok, I will now talk about how Stanley is a queer Jew, but this entire section will be riddled with spoilers, so read the book first and then come back!

A queer Jew?? i hear you ask. You’re just projecting. Yes, 100%. However, I think that interpreting Stanley as both these things adds to the thematic richness of the text. Let’s start with the Jewish bit: it’s not explicitly stated that Stanley is Jewish, but his great-great grandfather is a nerd-boy Latvian immigrant with the last name Yelnats, and his great-grandfather was a stockbrocker, so, like, ya know. Louis Sachar is also himself Jewish, as was the director of the movie, who cast Jews in the roles of Stanley and his family (dyk Shia LaBeouf is Jewish?? i did not), so I know I’m not the only one interpreting it this way. And honestly, does it not resemble the book of exodus quite a bit? They escape what is pretty much a form of slavery and wander in the desert. Sploosh resembles the well of Miriam, and then they ascend up a mountain to the “thumb of god”, perhaps in a parallel to Moses receiving the commandments. Is this a useful way to look at the text? Who knows. But what I think we do get from reading Stanley as Jewish is a more nuanced discussion of privilege and solidarity. If Stanley and his ancestors are Jewish (or at least Jew-ish), then what placed the curse upon his family (and, we see, Madame Zeroni’s family isn’t doing so great either) is the breaking of solidarity between oppressed people. But also, the fact that you are also marginalized does not wash you of the responsibility to other marginalized groups. I don’t think Sachar intended it this way, because I think he probably would have talked about it more if he had, but I would say this book can be read as a call to the American Jewish community to take an active role in forging solidarity with other marginalized groups and actively righting the wrong you, your ancestors, and your community wrought upon them.

Now, why do I think Stanley and Zero are gay? Before I go into how it augments the text thematically, I bring to your attention this passage.

Two nights later, Stanley lay awake staring up at the star-filled sky. He was too happy to fall asleep. 

He knew he had no reason to be happy. He had heard or read somewhere that right before a person freezes to death, he suddenly feels nice and warm. He wondered if perhaps he was experiencing something like that. 

It occurred to him that he couldn't remember the last time he felt happiness. It wasn't just being sent to Camp Green Lake that had made his life miserable. Before that he'd been unhappy at school, where he had no friends, and bullies like Derrick Dunne picked on him. No one liked him, and the truth was, he didn't especially like himself. 

He liked himself now.

 He wondered if he was delirious. He looked over at Zero sleeping near him. Zero's face was lit in the starlight, and there was a flower petal in front of his nose that moved back and forth as he breathed. It reminded Stanley of something out of a cartoon. Zero breathed in, and the petal was drawn up, almost touching his nose. Zero breathed out, and the petal moved toward his chin. It stayed on Zero's face for an amazingly long time before fluttering off to the side. 

Stanley considered placing it back in front of Zero's nose, but it wouldn't be the same.

Girl, I’m sorry, that’s gay as shit! It’s such tremendous tenderness, not to mention the traditionally romantic imagery of moonlight and the flower petal. There’s also the non-romantic aspects. Stanley’s inexplicable happiness and suddenly liking himself evokes, for me, at least, the experience of coming out to yourself, of realizing who you are. Later in this chapter, Stanley contemplates running away with Zero despite the fact that it would make them lifelong outlaws. This book, remember, was written in 1998, and homosexuality was decriminalized in 2003, and the book takes place in Texas. It would have been, if anything, even more evocative of gayness when it was published. Now as to how this increases the thematic richness of the text: obviously, in carrying Hector up to the thumb, giving him water, and singing the lullaby, he redeems the wrong done by his ancestor, after which his family’s luck immediately changed. However, after Hector and Zero return to camp Greenlake, rain falls there for the first time. What was redeemed here? Remember that earlier on we learn that what caused the drought was the fact that Sam the onion man (who was black) was murdered for kissing Kate Barlow (who was white) — so what would a [post-factum wronging of that right look like? Zero, as we remember, is black while Stanley is white, so them being in a romantic relationship would be a successful interracial relationship to redeem the one Kate and Sam weren’t able to have. It’s also, as I said earlier, implied that Stanley is descended from Kate Barlow on his mother’s side: Stanley remembers seeing the other half of the lipstick tube with her initials on it in his mother’s bedroom. I’d also argue that Sam the Onion Man is implied to be descended from Madame Zeroni (chronology-wise, I think he’d be her grandson). First of all, there’s no follow-up with Madame Zeroni’s son who moved to America, and pretty much all other plot threads are followed up with in Holes. Secondly, Sam mentions water running uphill, just like Madame Zeroni does. Even without these speculations being true, Stanley and Hector being gay would redeem the land they’re on, but If they are, the parallel with the other ancestral redemption arc becomes to much to imagine it was unintentional.

So anyway, those are my thoughts on Holes, now everyone go read it!

[hualianff]

T.F.T.A (I.H) III 《II》

Irodori – Hiroaki Tsutsumi “I can touch up some patches of the walls that look washed out?”

“Uh, no you don’t have to-“

“-oh! And I can vacuum the carpets in the morning before work, during the day, and at night once everyone leaves so the floor will always be spotless-“

“No, really, that’s a bit much-“

“Does anything in your office happen to need dusting?“

HX sighs. This human never stops.

First, it is the food and drinks he delivers to the employees on each floor–without being asked to. His employees are filthy slobs when it comes to dealing with their customers as it is; the extra vacuuming would admittedly be appreciated. Though, HX has no complaints when XL personally brings him fresh coffee and pastries from the bakery on the corner.

Then, it is the excessive cleaning that has somehow become one of his biggest priorities, courtesy of XL. HX supposes this is what he needed a custodian for in the first place. But he can’t help but wonder how YY found a human who is so damn eager to be worked like a slave.

“Mr. Xuan, what cleaning fluid brand do you prefer the bathroom floors to be mopped with?” Xie Lian asked, still sitting in the lone chair in front of HX’s desk, one hour after he first entered. Here he was, going through a laundry list of sterilization questions while HX was still trying to process just how ugly the human’s work uniform was.

He’ll have to do something about that.

HX was, by no means, generous or fashionable. Hell, he currently had on all black–the inner and outer robes being different shades–and cheap sandals that exposed just how pale his skin was. He sported the same skull earrings since first getting his ears pierced, and he kept his hair back in a simple, low ponytail that felt like a rope of lead at times.

They surely must make quite a pair, like the dark and mysterious goth teen meets the wrongly-dressed happy-go-lucky old man. There is no doubt HX beat XL in age by a couple of hundred years, yet, XL somehow still gave off wise-beyond-his-years energy. A man who has seen and been through plenty of life’s obstacles.

Such fragile beings, humans were.

“Um, Mr. Xuan?” XL spoke up again when HX didn’t answer his twentieth question right away. “Is it alright if I call you that? Or should I call you Black Water?”

HX’s frown deepened, sincerely considering how XL should address him. It was not like XL knew the truth behind the title Black Water, and for that reason, it felt improper for the human to speak a name he was not aware held so much power.

“Mr. Xuan is fine,” HX says curtly.

“Oh, okay. Mr. Xuan it is.”

HX exhaled with thinning patience. He placed his elbows on the desk, preparing to shoo his new employee away so he could work in peace.

“You can just call me Xie Lian. I hope to be of the best assistance to you, Mr. Xuan,” XL adds quicker than HX can respond. “By the way, about those cobwebs surrounding the hallways lights-”

Seriously, was this guy out of his mind?

From XL’s perspective, he believes he hit the jackpot with this job. Not only is it incredibly low-stress compared to his previous hustles, but XL often finds himself to be most useful in keeping Black Water company. Yes, XL is aware HX strives to be as antisocial and non-confrontational as possible. And yes, a boss-employee relationship probably shouldn’t cross a certain line into the best friend zone.

But whenever HX happens to be nearby, and XL bounds over with a dozen updates on his work and random stories that he can’t help sharing, HX begrudgingly stays and listens.

“See? Doesn’t dusting make everything nicer to look at?“ XL questions with a sunny smile, gesturing to the bookshelves on one side of HX’s office. He was a quarter of the way through with this task when his boss walked in.

HX merely grunts, then plops down in a chair different from the one guests typically sit in. It appears to be a new addition to the room. In XL’s eyes, more furniture means more growth in self-care for one’s personal space. In this case, HX’s working environment.

Naturally, XL approves with a satisfied nod. He also can’t stop the next words from tumbling out of his mouth.

“By the way, I noticed your tastes in literature differ across many subjects: Folklore, politics, ocean science…”

HX raises an eyebrow at this comment.

“What about it?” he asks, a little blunt, a little curious.

XL continues dusting in between the shelves. He faces away from HX and is glad his boss can’t discern his nervous expression. XL knows he has his nosy moments, knows that he often unintentionally crosses others’ boundaries in order to connect, which irks people all the time.

Maybe this is one of those moments.

Still, XL wants to try.

“Do you want to tell me about them? I’m quite the avid reader myself, and some of these titles look positively compelling,” XL says, skimming a hand down the exquisite spine of one of the books. He turns his head just enough to sneakily eye HX’s reaction, who hasn’t changed his seating positions the last forty minutes.

HX’s arms remain crossed over his chest, staring straight ahead at the wall of bookshelves XL insisted on dusting and tidying. His obsidian eyes noticeably sharpen, jaw slightly relaxing.

HX doesn’t say anything for a long minute. One minute bleeds into two, and then three.

XL sighs, a bit disappointed. He doesn’t want to push HX’s limits, nor initiate conversation he is in no place to discuss. Quietly, XL turns his attention back to work.

But as XL squats down to straighten out some books on the lower shelf, the image of black robes gliding along the floor catches his eye.

HX walks to one of the middle bookcases, caressing his fingers along his vast collection until he pauses on a book with an emerald green cover and characters glimmering in gold. He plucks the novel out of its homely crevice, opening the cover to flick through the worn pages.

XL takes this as his cue to approach, waving around the feather duster in anticipation. HX shifts to show the human the open book, finger pointing to the section header.

“This one is a myth about a parasitic ghost who latches onto its host and feeds off of sadness, sorrow, despair,” HX explains slowly, deliberate with his words. XL’s mouth opens in an “oh” shape, expressing interest in his features.

HX brings the book closer for XL to see.

“It’s one of my favorite reads,” HX murmurs, focusing on the text. XL blinks in astonishment, feeling especially honored that HX shared this with him.

It has only been one month since XL started working at Paradise Deals, and despite HX’s “I don’t care” attitude when it comes to basically anyone ever, XL definitely considers them to be friends.

And that is honestly the most he could ever ask for.

“Then I’ll be sure to put it on the top of my list,” XL chirps, tapping the book with the duster.

The corner of HX’s mouth tugs upwards.

*** Flor y Sangre – Sophism, Isabella LeVan, A Million in Vermillion One day, as XL rides the elevator up to the eleventh floor, it stops at the third floor first. The doors open to reveal a man with a green dress shirt tucked into black-and-white checkered pants. The same checkered-patterned suit jacket hangs loosely over his shoulders.

The man’s dark hair is long enough to cover his ears, making him appear quite young. Side bangs obstruct his eyes, but upon seeing XL’s face, the strands fly out of the way as he shakes his head in surprise.

“YOU!” The man seethes out, stomping into the elevator with clenched fists.

“M-me?” XL looks around, then points to himself questioningly.

“What are you doing here!? And what the hell are you wearing!? Am I supposed to fall for a dumb disguise like this?” The stranger fires back, voice getting more high-pitched as he jabs an offending finger at XL’s nose.

XL is beyond confused. He glances down at his custodian attire, the nameplate thankfully still in place. It’s in navy this time, courtesy of Black Water’s kindness is providing XL with more than one work outfit that doesn’t automatically suck the soul out of whoever sees it.

There is an awkward beat of silence.

The elevator doors close, XL now pressed with his back against the wall, nervously fiddling with the mop in his hands.

“Do I know you?” XL asks, forgetting his manners in a panicked state while searching his memories, trying to recognize the man in front of him.

“Fucking rude, as always,” the man sneers, giving XL a nasty stink-eye before backing off. “If you won’t reveal your true self now, I’ll just follow you until you do.”

“Excuse me? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” XL rushes out, sneaking in a few bows here and there. “Perhaps you’ve mistaken me for the wrong person?

The man crosses his arms as if seriously contemplating XL’s words. His eyes shift from XL’s face, to his attire, to the mop, and then finally, up towards above XL’s head.

He decidedly shakes his head, unconvinced.

“No, I’m not that gullible. How convenient would it be that the first time I see you in who-the-fuck-knows-how-long, you’re stuck like this,” he hisses lowly. “Weak. Useless. Ignorant.”

Now that makes XL’s eyebrows rise into his hairline. He’s been harshly insulted before–regarded as pitiful and lacking potential in many areas–and likes to think his skin is thicker because of it. But to be directly attacked by a man whom he has no memory of meeting before? XL can’t help but feel like this is entirely uncalled for.

How does this man even know him?

The elevator doors slide open, having reached the eleventh floor. On the other side stands Black Water, wearing an expensive-looking suit with navy lining and silver cuffs. His foot stops its tapping on the ground where it had been denting the carpet.

“Xie Lian, I’ve been looking for you,” Black Water says, completely ignoring the other man in the elevator. “I’m meeting with a few clients on the east side of the city, and I need you to handle the documentation.”

He holds out a huge briefcase with the same fish symbol as the ones on the doors in the hallway. As XL steps out of the elevator to accept the briefcase, an interested “Xie Lian, huh?” sounds from behind.

“Pardon me, sir, if I can’t recall our first acquaintance. But did you need something from me?” XL asks while turning around, attempting to hold out an olive branch once more. Next to him, Black Water pulls out his phone and mindlessly scrolls down the screen.

“I can’t believe you actually did it. Got yourself a name and everything,” the man says, disbelief coloring his features. Then his eyebrows pinch together in a sudden display of anger. He locks eyes with XL, those amber eyes looking eerily similar to his own. “You disgust me.”

Before XL can react, the elevator doors slam shut instantly with a loud boom, masking the sound of fingers snapping right next to him. XL jerks at the sound, hands white-knuckling the briefcase.

“Do you know who that is?” XL asks his boss, tilting his head. This encounter has left him awfully confused and a little worried about his job. Would this affect what his boss thinks about his impact in the workplace?

It seems this trouble is needless when HX eyes simply narrows his eyes at the closed doors, a stormy expression on his face.

“No one to concern yourself with.”

Bonus:

XL finds out QR is the lower-levels’ boss, who holds an apparent grudge against him…? Once QR had come across XL in the elevator, he sticks around like an unwanted pest, somehow having the time to harass XL many hours a day.

XL: “Why does this guy keep following me around and insulting me?”

XL eventually cleans QR’s floors too because he has time and it seems QR won’t leave him alone.

HX: “Give me back my custodian!”

QR: “Fuck off! Why are you so defensive about mortal scum?”

XL, wiping down the doors, whistling: (´∀｀*)

[avmisworld]

BTS when you prank them:

Kim Seokjin:

You pull the mask over your face, staring at your reflection with satisfaction. You were hideous. The rubber mask was pulled tightly over your skin, making it stuffy and hard to breathe, but the final look was worth it.

The mask was in the shape of something like a ghost goblin, an ugly brown face with green veins, sharp ears like an elf, and dark circles around the holes of the eyes. The nostrils were up like someone smeared the nose of the disgusting creature, and it had no mouth, just blood-covered lines from the bottom of the nose to the chin.

This was going to scare the hell out of your boyfriend, which was exactly what you were aiming to do. You don't know when your relationship with Kim Seokjin became waking up every day and looking under the bed to make sure there isn't a puddle of shaving cream waiting for you to step on it, but you couldn't say you didn't like it.

The prank war between the two of you escalated quickly, but you always made sure never to hurt each other in any way, the pranks never crossing the line too much, but what you were going to do today was maybe a bit more evil than usual. 

You walk out of the bathroom, taking care to not make too much noise, and peek at your boyfriend, who's sleeping soundly in your king-sized bed, one of his hands still spread over the space where you were a few minutes ago, cuddling into him. 

Seokjin is handsome even when he's asleep, with his dark hair falling over his eyes, bangs parted on his forehead, his full pink lips closed as he lets out silent puffs of air, his broad chest rising and falling steadily and his eyes closed, his eyelashes curling over his eyes. He's wearing checkered pyjamas, the top and bottom matching, and he's covered in your fluffy white blanket, the thick material reaching his chin.

Walking over to your boyfriend stealthily, you bite your lip to stop from laughing, already imagining his reaction, and reach out a hand to shake his shoulder hard, knowing that he's not a very light sleeper. 

Like you expected, Jin doesn't wake up, simply turning to his side and mumbling something under his breath before he falls into a deep slumber once again, and you roll your eyes, the lack of air in the mask starting to make you heat up, and reach your hand out again to shake the man harder, tugging off his blanket. "Jin!"

Your lover opens his eyes slowly, and you hover above him, waiting for his eyes to focus and his mind to clear up. It takes a few seconds as he yawns, stretching his arms over his head and rolling his shoulder, blinking blearily, before he finally looks at your face, his mind still working slowly until his eyes widen, almost falling out of their sockets.

Your boyfriend screams, leaping out of your bed and almost toppling over the blanket that was still tangled in his legs, his arms waving as he bolts out of the room, mouth wide open and sheer terror painted on his face.

You on the other hand, are folded on the ground, laughing uncontrollably since the moment Jin first saw you, tears springing into your eyes and you take off the rubber, still sitting on the ground, waiting for your boyfriend to come back as you gasp for air, holding your stomach.

"What the hell, Y/L/N Y/N?!"Jin screams as he enters the room, pure betrayal on his face as he looks at your hooting figure on the ground. It seemed like he made it a few steps out of the room before he understood the situation and came back, hair a mess and hands on his hips, his skin a few shades paler than usual.

"I'm sorry", you say, but you're so busy laughing it doesn't sound even slightly sincere, your face red from the lack of air and your muscles straining from being in the same position as Jin stares at you with disbelief, his own lips twitching as he tries not to laugh at the ridiculous situation.

"You're so dead for this, seriously", Jin waves his finger at you like an angry teacher, but the smile is still tugging at his lips and his face still has lines all over it from the pillow, so the glare isn't doing too much. 

You laugh, finally getting up from the fluffy white carpet, and walk over to your boyfriend, flicking his forehead lightly just to see him frown again, his pink lips jutting out in a pout. "I'd like to see you try."

Min Yoongi:

Min Yoongi was very hard to distract when he was working, you know that from a lot of personal experience. And now was one of his busiest days yet, the nearing comeback forcing him to stay locked in his workroom, writing lyrics and melodies for days in a row.

You swing your legs restlessly, scrolling through your phone and trying to pass the time, but Instagram was getting boring and so was watching Suga fancams, so when an idea pops into your head, you practically topple off the gray leather couch, a no-good smirk growing on your face.

You don't remember where you saw this prank, probably on some tik tok video, but it was a harmless, cute prank, so you didn't mind doing it to your boyfriend. The idea was passing next to Yoongi wearing different outfits each time, the weirder the better, and see if he notices. Honestly, he's so focused right now you're not even sure this will work, but you have nothing better to do anyway.

Running to Yoongi's workroom, which also happens to be your study room, you open the door quietly, slithering into the room and walking towards the bookcase, which has a bunch of your notebooks that you use to study for exams. You make sure not to say anything to your boyfriend, who's sitting with his back to the door and probably doesn't even notice you're in the room, and grab a random notebook before walking out of the room, a mischievous smile on your face.

You skip to your shared bedroom, opening the door to your walk-in closet and ruffling through the different outfits, hanging on racks or folded in piles in cabinets. You pick something rather simple for starters, a simple black overall with a cute white shirt underneath, and make your way back to Yoongi after fixing your long dark hair and putting on cute black spectacles.

You walk inside again, grabbing another thick book from the wooden shelves before swiveling around, biting your bottom lip so you won't giggle accidentally, the thrill of the prank making you unexpectedly jittery.

You do the same thing over and over again, changing to more and more absurd outfits every time, from a Hawaiian shirt you didn't even know you owned with grey sweatpants, to a unicorn onesie, and finally, your grand entrance: your prom dress from five years ago.

When you enter the workroom once again, Yoongi is still facing the computer, sketching down more lyrics, and you turn around, trying not to look disappointed that your beautiful dress was completely ignored as you return all your studying material to their places on the shelf, pouting as you do.

"Y/N", you freeze when you finally hear your boyfriend's gravely voice for the first time this day, and will yourself to look natural as you turn around, the sparkly grey material of your dress pooling around your feet. "Yeah, baby?"

"Are you doing some weird runaway or something? Because you could've just told me.", Yoongi says, eyeing your dress with nonchalance that impresses you, and you blink at him owlishly, the meaning behind his words slowly coming to view.

"You mean… you saw everything?", You ask dumbly, mouth slightly open as Yoongi continues looking at you, the corner of his mouth twitching as if he was trying really hard not to laugh, his brown eyes twinkling with something almost mischievous.

"You mean if I saw you come in different outfits like 50 times? Yeah.", your boyfriend says, rubbing the dark circles under his eyes before looking at you again, your mouth still open like a goldfish out of water.

You were sure Yoongi didn't see you the whole time, too busy with his work to notice you, but apparently he was looking at you the whole time, watching you like he takes care of you, humbly and quietly. The thought makes you giddy inside, and you look down, smiling with happiness even though your prank was technically a fail.

"I'm always looking at you, you know", Yoongi says gently, as if he reads your mind, and you raise your head to look at his soft eyes, his own small smile gracing his lips, and you blush, averting your eyes again before he adds teasingly. "But don't you think wearing your prom dress is a little too much?"

Jung Hoseok:

The idea came to your mind after suggesting your boyfriend that you buy a dog. Hoseok was actually into the idea, having his own puppy at his family's home and loving the furry animals, and you were looking for the right time to adopt, already discussing the breeds you'd like and the different names.

As if by some power from above, it just so happened that when you were scrolling through your Instagram earlier today, a video of a prank text between a random couple caught your eye, and you clicked on the post, your eyes widening and a gleeful giggle escaping your mouth the more you scroll to the right.

The prank was basically the girlfriend telling her boyfriend she adopted a "dog", and sending him a picture of some wild animal, like a baby coyote or something like that. The boyfriend obviously freaks out, thinking his girlfriend lost her mind, and you can definitely see you doing this to J-hope and getting a similar reaction.

So you wait for him to go to work, going as far as telling him in the morning that you're probably going to on a walk today, to avoid any suspicion, and wait till mid-afternoon, when you know he has his lunch break, to call him, making sure you let out all the laughter bubbling in your chest before you do.

"Hey, babe!", you grin when you hear Hoseok's cheerful voice, almost regretting your decision to prank this pure soul. Almost. "Hey, baby. I have good news!", you respond.

You hear a door closing, probably Hoseok exiting the practice room, and then it's a lot quieter, your boyfriend's voice clearer when he speaks once again, sounding curious. "What's up?"

"Well…", you start slowly, making sure to sound excited and happy, while being completely oblivious. "You know how we've been wanting to adopt a puppy?", you ask, hearing J-hope hum in agreement on the other side of the line. 

"Well, I was going for a walk and I saw a stray, and he was too pretty not to bring back home, so…", you trail off, biting your lip in anticipation when the line goes silent, J-hope obviously trying to process the information that you just brought a dog from the street to your home, something that was nothing like your usual behaviour.

"Umm… that's great, babe. But are you sure he doesn't have an owner? Or that he's not carrying any diseases?", your boyfriend says carefully, and you can imagine his face right now, his dark eyebrows furrowed over his brown eyes with worry, a small pout on those cute lips and his black hair sticking to his forehead from the sweat. It's cute how much he supports every decision you make, while taking care of you at the same time.

"Don't worry, he didn't have a leash, and I'm planning to take him to the vet today, he's not even in the apartment. He was just too pretty to ignore, Hobi, seriously. Here, I'll send you a picture.", you pump your fist, satisfied with your acting skills and your smooth transition to the final and most crucial part of your prank: the picture.

You cackle silently when you send the picture of the dog-looking animal, with the grayish-brown fur, small enough to fit in your arms, pointy ears and a small face. You actually could have mistaken it for a dog, if it wasn't for the yellow eyes, replacing the naturally brown eyes domestic dogs have.

There's silence for a moment after the picture is sent, and wait in anticipation for your boyfriend to see the picture, biting your fingernails nervously. This has to work. You even photoshopped the wild animal to look like he's standing outside your apartment.

"WHAT THE HELL, Y/N!!", Hoseok's alarmed voice makes you startle in place, slightly surprised by the screams despite expecting this sort of reaction. "THAT ISN'T A DOG, ARE YOU SERIOUS!"

"What do you mean? Of course it's a dog!", you play dumb, your heart hurting a bit when you hear the panic in your boyfriend's voice, despite you wanting to laugh so hard at the same time, and you clutch the phone to your ear tightly, taking deep breaths to calm you down.

"No it's not! It's a freaking coyote!", you can hear J-hope cursing under his breath, and then he's opening another door, saying something you can't hear to somebody. "I'm on my way. Don't get out of the apartment."

"Wait, stop!", you wince, regretting not taking your boyfriend's protective nature in consideration when you did this prank. Of course Hoseok will leave the company to make sure you're safe. "It was a prank."

You can literally hear the way your lover's rushed footsteps halt to a stop with a screech, and then it's silent again, before the line is filled with a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God."

"Sorry, Hobi.", you say with a smile, despite your boyfriend not being able to see your face. "Don't worry, I'm not going to adopt a coyote without you.", you promise teasingly, and J-hope laughs breathlessly, clearly still caught in the prank, the information only now starting to sink in.

"You're unbelievable, seriously.", your boyfriend mutters, his tone now turning annoyed after the relief fades away. "Don't you know yet that you can't do these things to me? You're so mean."

Kim Namjoon:

"Good morning, babe", you say through a long yawn, stumbling into the kitchen where Namjoon is already sitting and reading the newspaper, waiting for you to wake up before he goes to the company.

"Good morning, love.", your boyfriend responds, lifting his head to smile up at you with those deep dimples you adore so much, his caramel hair carefully brushed away from his eyes and thick black spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose, his tanned skin shining under the sunlight streaming through the window.

He's wearing a clean white t-shirt and washed out jeans, and he looks way too good for this hour of the morning and for such a simple outfit, and you can't help but feel even uglier, stumbling into the kitchen wearing checkered pyjama pants and a lacy sleeveless white top, your dark hair tangled and unbrushed and your face is still puffy from sleep, with dark circles under your eyes from staying up all night to study for your upcoming exams.

The real reason you were up right now, was because it was April 1st, also known as your favorite day of the year, and you were positive your busy boyfriend didn't notice the date today, otherwise he wouldn't be looking so cheerful.

"You look good", you mumble as you lean down to peck your boyfriend's lips quickly, placing your hand on his shoulder and appreciating the muscle underneath your skin. "When are you coming back home today?"

"Probably after you'll fall asleep", Namjoon says sorrowfully, his eyes apologizing to you silently, and you pout even though you were expecting that type of answer. The comeback was getting closer and closer and Namjoon was working harder than ever, perfecting the choreography and cheering up the rest of the members.

"Should I make you coffee?", you ask, and your boyfriend nods gratefully, squeezing your hand gently as you turn around, heading towards the kitchen counter. 

You're still pouting when you pour the ground coffee into Namjoon's favorite mint mug, reaching your hand for the sugar when you freeze mid-way, a sudden thought coming to your mind. If Namjoon won't be here all day, it means you won't get to prank him. Not acceptable.

Peeking over your shoulder, you catch Namjoon looking down at the newspaper again, probably reading about politics or whatever, his dark eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed into a thin line like he always does when he's focused. 

Thinking quickly, you put the sugar back in place and grab the salt instead, opening the glass lid and pouring in the mug a nice teaspoon of the small white grains, mixing it up before adding a dose of hot water and a little milk, just like your boyfriend likes it.

"Here you go", you hand Namjoon the coffee and sit down beside him, taking a sip of your own blue mug slowly, a small smile curving around the lid of it as you try your best not to look suspicious. "Thanks, honey".

You're not surprised at all when your boyfriend takes a very big sip of coffee, his mouth immediately spitting out the brown liquid, eyes squinting and eyebrows furrowing in disgust, and he gags, pushing the prank coffee away while you laugh, putting down your own hot beverage on the round table so you won't spill it from how hard you're shaking.

"Oh my God, your face", you wheeze and Namjoon frowns, looking almost baby-like when he stares at you with a betrayed expression. "Why did you do that?", he whines, using a napkin to wipe his tongue and you take mercy on him, passing him a cup of water you organized beforehand.

"April fools!", you say with a grin, watching as Namjoon's face fills with understanding and he groans defeatedly, obviously cursing his own bad memory. "I should've known."

"Sorry, I couldn't let you go away for the whole day without pranking you", you say with a sweet smile, and Namjoon sighs, looking so done with you it was actually adorable, so you lean forward to leave another apologizing peck on his lips, the fondness in your boyfriend's eyes evident when you pull back with a bright smile. "I'll make you a new coffee."

Park Jimin:

You didn't get to spend much time with Jimin lately, and it was very hard for you, considering the fact that you were used to the older's undivided attention and affection.

BTS' comeback was nearing, which meant Jimin was getting farther away, coming back home only a few times a week at the late hours of the night, his eyes sporting dark circles and limbs heavy, collapsing on the bed with you in his arms and leaving a tired peck on your lips before he was fast asleep, not able to keep himself awake for another second.

Luckily, today was the day Jimin promised to come home early enough to eat dinner with you, working even harder the whole week just so he could take this short break, and you couldn't wait to finally see him, hug him tightly and kiss him properly for the first time in what feels like forever.

When the door to your apartment opens, your boyfriend walking through the door wearing a gray hoodie and black sweatpants, his blonde hair tied into a cute ponytail and a huge smile on his face, eye squinted from the force of it, you sprint towards him without hesitation, leaping into his arms, and he catches you effortlessly, swinging you around like the couple's do in the cheesy dramas.

You giggle, burying your face in the warm skin of his neck, and he laughs as well, holding you tightly to his chest and lowering you to the ground slowly, until you're face to face, noses brushing with the biggest grins on your faces.

"I need to talk to you", you whisper, hands still buried in Jimin's soft hair, and you want to tell him so bad about how much you missed his comforting touch and his angel-like voice and his pretty face. Face timing just wasn't enough.

To your surprise, Jimin seems to become serious, his dark eyebrows furrowing and his eyes turning slightly panicked. "About what?", he asks carefully, and you open your mouth to ask why he seems so nervous, when an idea forms in your head, and you look down, unwrapping your arms from your boyfriend and avoiding his eyes, as if you were feeling uncomfortable, ignoring the voice in your head telling you to hug your goddamn boyfriend and never let him go again.

"We should probably sit down", you say softly, motioning to the purple sofa in your living room, and you turn around before Jimin can see the smile threatening to grow on your face, breathing out in relief when you hear his footsteps behind you.

You make sure to leave a noticeable distance between the two of you when you sit down, and Jimin seems really worried now, grabbing your hand gently in his, and even for the sake of the prank, you can't get yourself to pull away from the warm touch. "Is everything okay?"

"Actually…", you inhale through your nose sharply, secretly admiring your acting skills as you look down to your lap. "I've been thinking for a while now… And I just feel like I should be honest with you."

"Y/N, you're freaking me out.", Jimin says more desperately now, squeezing your hand in his as if he's afraid you'll run away, and you know you can't keep doing this, not when Jimin's looking at you with scared brown eyes, his whole body tense like a ruler. 

"I've missed you so much", you finish with a smile, and Jimin blinks at you, his brain slowly processing the sentence while you bite your lip to stop from laughing, waiting for your lover to understand the situation fully. 

"You pranked me?", Jimin says unsurely, and there's blatant relief in his eyes when you nod, his whole body sagging against the couch as he closes his eyes, leaning his head back on the soft cushions. "You freaked me out for a second."

You laugh, but there's something bugging you, so you climb onto your boyfriend's lap carefully, his eyes opening when you straddle him, looking up at you with a hesitant smile. He was clearly hiding something.

"Why were you so scared?", you ask curiously, inspecting Jimin carefully, and the other sighs, his hands coming to rub your waist gently, a soft blush painting his cheeks from the embarrassment.

"I was just worried… that maybe this relationship was too hard for you, with me not being home for a while now…", he starts quietly, avoiding your eyes, and panic and regret immediately fill your chest, and you lean down to kiss him, cutting off the horrible thoughts coming out of his mouth. 

"Never", you promise when you detach from him, your voice firm even though your hands are shaking and there are tears threatening to fall at the thought of ever leaving this amazing man, who's looking at you right now with so much love it makes you melt. "You're stuck with me forever, Park Jimin."

Kim Taehyung:

One of the many things you love about Kim Taehyung is the fact that he's never taken you for granted. He always took care of you, even though he's a worldwide idol with a shit ton of money and a face that could get any girl on her knees. 

Even when it came to the simplest things, if it was chores in the house like washing the dishes or folding the laundry, Taehyung always made sure to help you, making even the most annoying duties a fun experience.

Today was going to be even more enjoyable, because you're planning to make Taehyung regret splashing you with cold water in the shower yesterday. Your plan was simple, but perfect, the best way to get your boyfriend without putting in too much effort.

"I'll dry, you wash?", you suggest nonchalantly, getting up from Taehyung's lap with a peck to his cheek, the white plates the two of you were eating from now empty, the only sign that food was there was the smears of red sauce from the beef you made.

Your boyfriend hums in agreement, getting up from the chair as you pick up the silverware and the plates, heading towards your small kitchen with careful steps, making sure not to drop anything.

You smirk when Taehyung walks towards the kitchen sink, the memory of you tying a rubber band tightly around the spray nozzle entering your mind. When your oblivious boyfriend will turn on the faucet, he'll get a nice, cold spray straight in his handsome face.

Just like you expected, Taehyung starts the water, cursing in surprise when a fountain of water hits his face just right, and you cackle when your lover blindly reaches for the sink, desperately trying to shut off the consistent waterfall.

You lean against the gray marble counter, not even caring about the puddles covering the parquet floor of your kitchen, and wipe the tears from your eyes when Taehyung finally lifts his head to meet your mischief-filled eyes.

His black curls are sticking to his forehead wetly, drops of water dripping down his tanned skin, and his dark blue silk pyjama set is soaked from the top to the bottom, matching the darkness in his eyes.

You gulp, suddenly feeling a bit scared at the intimidating look in your boyfriend's eyes. "Why are you looking at me like that?", you ask, your grip on the counter tightening when Taehyung inches towards you slowly.

Taehyung smiles sweetly at you, but something still doesn't feel right, your eyes squinting suspiciously when he shrugs carelessly. "Nothing. I was just thinking about how much I want to hug my beautiful girlfriend."

Your eyes widen at the sound of Taehyung's sentence, and you shriek when he lunges at you, sprinting out of the kitchen like your life depends on it. "You'll never catch me alive! I just came out of the shower!"

Jeon Jungkook:

It was your thing to go on random dates together, and today was no exception. You cross your legs on the purple beach towel you are sitting on, sticking another watermelon cube in your mouth before turning to Jungkook, who's chewing on a grape, bunny pout on full display and eyes squinted to avoid the sun.

Jungkook is shirtless, which is a good enough reason to come to the beach on its own, his defined abs and pecs dripping with ocean water, wet black hair falling over his dark eyes in cute curls, thick tanned thighs covered in black swim-shorts, his naked legs brushing yours as you eat from the plastic container, occasionally feeding each other.

You've spent a good part of your time here in the water, splashing at each other, Jungkook lifting you up as you screech, clinging to him tightly, but he throws you off easily, your noodle arms no competition to your boyfriend's buff biceps.

Now, the two of you were taking some time to tan after you got tired from swimming and playing around, eating the snacks and fruits you brought with you and listening to music, Jungkook rubbing on you sunscreen carefully, maybe even a little too carefully, his large hands sliding over your back and shoulders, and you return the favor just as eagerly, shamelessly feeling up your boyfriend's strong body.

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back in a sec.", Jungkook says, pecking your lips gently before standing up and throwing a black t-shirt over his now-dry chest, the covered skin making you pout slightly. "'Kay."

You watch as your boyfriend disappears into the small building, stretching your tanned legs and admiring the way the bikini Jungkook chose you when you went shopping, bright yellow and somewhat cute, with the strapless top and high waisted bottoms, fits the tone of your skin perfectly. Of course Jungkook was great at choosing bikinis, just another talent to add to the respectful list he already has.

You're slightly bored without Jungkook beside you, so you let your gaze wander to the older's white beach towel, lying beside your own, when a hilarious idea pops in your mind. This will be a nice revenge for Jungkook dunking you in the water multiple times today.

You get up quickly, not wasting any time as you start to dig a hole in the sand, ignoring the crazy looks you're probably getting from passer-bys, digging as fast as you can before Jungkook will return.

You're panting by the time there's a rather large hole in the sand, big enough for a grown man to sit inside, and you smile gleefully, covering your masterpiece with Jungkook's beach towel before lying back down on your own and putting on your gold sunglasses for an extra effect, waiting for your lover to return.

"I'm back", you flip to your stomach when you see your boyfriend coming over, a soft smile on his face when he sees you, going to his spot and sitting. Or trying to sit, anyway.

You laugh when Jungkook lets out a surprised yelp, falling straight into the hole you dug up, his hands grasping the golden grains of sand uselessly to stop himself from falling and legs flailing, the useless beach towel wrapping around him as he curses, struggling to get up.

"Oh my God, your face", you snort, pointing at your boyfriend who gives up on trying to get out of your apparently deep hole, sitting instead inside the trap you set up with his hands crossed, his dark eyes fixed on you with a glare that could kill.

You're still laughing when strong arms wrap around you and you're thrown on a broad shoulder, Jungkook's arms holding you from your thighs as the ground swings dangerously underneath you, the situation only making sense when you're greeted with turquoise water underneath you, and you thrash, trying desperately to get out of Jungkook's hold. "No, not again!"

[smolbeandrabbles]

Protector - Director Orson Krennic x Reader 3 (Rogue One)

Gif Credit: X

I Think He Knows (Part 1) / Hero (Part 2)

Author’s Note:  Just when you thought they were gonna get away with this...

Part 3 of this series that has come from the brilliant mind of @purebloodwitch​ ❤

I got you your angst and drama this time 😉😉

She also introduced me to this song Protector - City Wolf and quite honestly if it isn’t the theme, not just for this series, but for this couple then I don’t know what is! Give it a listen, it’s a truly excellent track! 👌🎉

* I spelled Scarif correct this time-!

Disclaimer: Rogue One characters not mine / lyrics not mine / gifs not mine / I’m sure I take liberties with the SW universe... but here we are!

Premise: In the aftermath of your actions on Scarif, you are reprimanded and grounded until further notice. The Empire need you, however - and are about to make you an offer they think you can’t refuse...

Words: 6762

Warnings: Swearing / angst/hurt 

______ You don't have to be alone all by yourself Tired of doing things just to save your mental health You made a wish and then you lost it down the wishing well But when you're with me There's no need to be So tell me is there somewhere else that you wanna go? Cause you've been running round in circles, stuck in slow-mo I've got that feeling that you really wanna hit the door If you've lost the fight Then let's win the war When you're tired of hiding And you've gotta run, hop right in Sit shotgun, I'm driving I'll be your protector Who's gonna be there when Everything is tumbling down? Who's gonna be there when You fall to keep you off of the ground? I'll be your shelter They'll never get ya So stay with me and I'll be your protector No it ain't easy to survive up in these city streets Lookin' for someone to help you when you scrape your knees Takin' too many punches, now it's getting hard to breathe I'll be your reason so you can believe Are you waiting for someone? Just hold on, here I come To fix when you're undone You're standing on the edge now, stay close I'm going twelve rounds, ready for another dose Steel chin, and a fist made of metal Look at my face, serious as a heart attack Comin' in your corner, shades on, dressed in black I'll be your shelter They'll never get ya So stay with me and I'll be your protector ---

News of the aftermath of your involvement with the battle over Scarif reached the upper echelons of the Empire a little slower than you expected. That or they had to deliberate a long time on it. Funnily enough the rumours swelled first and a lot of the lower ranked officers now liked staring at you in awe. “Is she the one that decked Tarkin-!?” “She’s got balls-! Damn-!”

That joy didn’t last too long though. And you eventually got called into your commanding officers office and reprimanded. (Although apparently his personal opinion was good on you) However, his opinion didn’t count for much and they grounded you until further notice. When you politely enquired as to how long that would be, no one could tell you, or refused to entertain the question.

Tully was right though; they didn’t take your ship away or demote you. They’d need you in this war with the Rebellion and would probably spring something on you without a moments warning. Which meant although you were grounded, your ship was still out there in space - Jerod at the helm until you came back. You supposed you were lucky they didn’t give her to someone else - but wondered, with the way you’d built up your crew, how many would mutiny at the very idea of someone else as their captain.

Krennic now has some spare time on his hands and was trying to gather his reputation again. Now he found his project load a lot quieter, they had him running some mundane intelligence missions. Which meant you found him hanging around Coruscant a lot, drawing. Often when you were running back and forth between military briefings. Because grounded you may have been, but in the know you still were. Which was great, because he’d always be waiting in just the right place, and you could give him updates. Although the first couple of times he did it Krennic did manage to startle you, until you caught on: “Are you following me-!?” “Knowing where you are at all times is my job.” “The Bureau has you tailing me-!?” “No...” he tipped his head “I just figure you’re going to be the one who has the vital information on  what I’ve been asked to do - therefore, who better to tail?” He had a point you supposed; but his stalking meant that sometimes you got to admire his architectural sketches and it was one of your favourite parts of the day. If you had time you liked to sit and ask what he was working on. Perhaps gather some intelligence of your own that you could take into your next meeting, and of course, give him a kiss on the cheek before you hurried off that Orson so thoroughly deserved.

 ***

Eventually you started receiving offers for work elsewhere. Though you weren’t looking to be anywhere but back on The Resolution right now. And then, one evening you got an offer that was far more interesting, pinged into your inbox. ‘Y/N, I am under the impression that you dislike being grounded. As I have been notified that you are consistently requesting a timeframe on the ending of this. There is a way around staying here, and it’s fairly simple. Grand Moff Tarkin will be on Coruscant in the coming days for final preparations in the efforts against the rebellion. Meet me tomorrow and we can discuss arranging a briefing with him. Further details to follow.’

 Of course the first thing you did was alert your intelligence beau to the meeting time and place. For one, it seemed awfully shady - even if it was going to get you in the sky again - and you didn’t really want to turn up to a meeting like this without backup. When you walked cautiously into the government building, Krennic was already there - leaning so casually against an inlying colonnade he almost blended in.  You paid each other no mind as you continued to walk through into the main hallway. It appeared deserted; save for the single person you knew you were here to meet. “General L/N.” You held you hand out to shake with a smile; “Baryon, I hear you can get me off the ground again.” “Indeed I can - if you’re ready?” You laughed, politely, “Far more than ready. If only you’d presented the solution earlier-!” He smiled, but it was thin, and lacked warmth. Immediately you were on high guard, you didn’t like where this could go; “Yes.” When he offered no more conversation, you prompted; “I believe your email message told me it was simple...?” “Very. If you would be inclined to apologise to Tarkin.” You very nearly scoffed, but decided you might be able to swallow your pride on that one to get your crew back. “Oh. Yeah, that doesn’t sound so hard. Forgive and forget and all that.” You hoped you didn’t sound as sarcastic as you seemed “Yes,” he nodded, “There is one other, small thing...” This was where it started becoming less easy, you decided. “Go ahead.” “The Death Star plans.” Ah, shit, here we go... “What of them?” You feigned ignorance. “Well it’s no secret that you and Director Krennic are close.” You didn’t exactly appreciate the way Baryon decided to say it either, causing your response to sound affronted. “Correct.” “Well. Then you must have access, or at least know a way to gain access to his files?” You folded your arms, “Mhm.” In fact, you knew all of Krennic’s passwords and where he stored all his backup drives too, but you weren’t about to tell this man that “You could say that.” “Then this should be easy for you.” He spread his hands as if it was all so obvious. “You haven’t told me what I’m supposed to do, yet.” “It’s simple. We need the plans, Krennic has them - you’re our in.” You blinked a couple of times, “Sorry... let me get this straight... you would like me to steal the Death Star plans, for you-!? After someone – the Rebellion, I might add! - just attempted the same thing on Scarif!?” “Steal? He’ll simply give them to you.” You’d have laughed the guy out of the building right then and there if you didn’t think this information intriguing. Krennic wouldn’t let you touch any of that unless it was over his dead body. Especially not now. “What if he says no?” “Someone with as much insight into the Director as you must have a way... Charm him.” Sleep with him to get the plans? Was that what they were really suggesting? You bit your lips together; Well. Looks like I’m still grounded. “What if I refuse?” “Then you won’t get back to your beloved Resolution.” You tipped your head, pretending for a moment that it was a hard choice. At least Jerod was in charge. But there was no way in hell that you could do that to Krennic. Not after all this. “I’m sorry. I can’t do what you’re asking of me.” Baryon’s face fell for a second before he tried again, “If you will not charm him - force him. You can give it up now, Krennic’s next to worthless...” He gave a shrug “and when you give us those plans, he’ll be even more so.” Your eyes narrowed; “Give what up?” “The front.” “What front?” “The relationship.” Suddenly the Empire’s angle on your relationship came into focus, and your relatively stoic nonchalance for the whole situation became a hard glare – and you put all your agitation into your words; “I ask again - What. Front.” “Ah, God. You’re not actually in love with him-!?” You measured him up for half a second, deciding he was serious; “Fuck you. This conversation is over.” “General-!” You wheeled around from the walk away you’d already begun, deciding to correct him first; “High General. You thinking I’d give the plans up was laughable, before what you just said. Don’t you ever contact me again.” Baryon sighed, and none too gently; “The next person that comes for them won’t be half as nice...” You scoffed, opting to return to your walk away before answering back; “Let them come. My answer will be the same-!!”

Your mind was reeling. Was that the only way back-!? Giving up everything your partner had worked so hard for to the other side? All that research!!? They had the weapon, and had stolen that from him too, what the hell did they want with the rest of it? To take everything about his greatest achievement away so he couldn’t use it? Well then they’d want all the backups too, wouldn’t they? They’d have to know he made copies. Someone would certainly know, who could casually drop it into conversation – and you wouldn’t put it passed anyone who wanted to climb the ladder by pushing someone else off it. They’d want him to destroy all his copies? Maybe they wondered what could be on them that the rebels would want? Maybe they just couldn’t work the damn thing without him and we’re too stubborn to admit it.

You slowed only when you approached the colonnades again, knowing he would still be there.  And would have heard every word. Your eyes darted to both sides searching for him and eventually Krennic had to clear his throat to get your attention. You checked you weren’t being followed before you strolled over to him; “Can you believe this shit-!?” “Yes. To be honest.” Orson leant his head back to gaze at the ceiling “Thank God you said no!” “You know what they’re trying to do right!?” “Use us against one another...” He mused, “luckily I can trust you and know it won’t work. But this time it’s personal – and they are out for blood, clear as day.” “Well what have intelligence asked you for-!?” “Checking in on all your movements, they know what happened on Scarif, Y/N - they want to know your reasons.” “Are you telling me they think I’m working with the rebels-!?” “I didn’t say that.” Though the look on his face gave his true answer “FUCK-!” You thought twice about punching the stone; “What is this!?” “Easy. They want you back up there and me with nothing. But I already cleared you, so, that’s probably why he sent you the message in the first place. Doesn’t mean I won’t be keeping an eye on you.” “Orson...” You shook your head, “Babe, you know I would never...” “Of course I do. Don’t worry about it. But they’ll want me to relay this conversation. Byron might even report back that you were on the verge of agreement...” Krennic tipped his head, “One thing is clear they want us apart,” he pointed behind him, “this has all come from Tarkin, Make no mistake...” You breathed out gently, in agreement “Yeah. I know that. I do know that...”

 *** The agent was right – he wasn’t the only one who tried to solicit you with promises of getting back into space if you only handed over the Death Star documents. Most of the time they got a snarky reply back like; Well if Tarkin hadn’t destroyed Scarif there would be plans there-! And by the fifth time, when they got a little more urgent and a lot less polite about it – you were getting sick of repeating yourself. “Do you actually have copies of all your work just lying around?” Krennic paused his stroll across the living room and turned back to you cautiously; “…Why?” “Well this would be simpler if there weren’t any.” He looked momentarily horrified – “You know damn well how long that research took me! Took US! Everyone that worked on this project – that’s ALL we have left. My copies.” You held your hands up defensively, hoping he didn’t think that it would cross your mind even once to deliver the Empire those copies. For one, you thought they ought to be coming to him for them. Why weren’t they, was a more interesting question. Maybe they just wanted to see how far they could push your relationship – they’d be sorry they ever did. “…I’m just thinking that if they were somewhere I didn’t know about, we’d be safer?” He inclined his head slightly, piercing blue eyes squinting at you; “We’d?” “…We’ve both been thinking it Orson, this is about FAR more than just the plans. And I’m-” Scared? Worried? Upset? Angry? All of the above? You swallowed and opted not to continue. Krennic strode back to you slowly, holding his hand out to take yours; “Darling, we’ll be fine… But if it would make you feel better, I can move all my research somewhere safer – that you won’t have access to. Therefore when they enquire, you really won’t know.” You used his outstretched hand to pull yourself up and into his arms; “Babe, I’m just-” you buried your face into his shoulder and mumbled it; “I don’t know what’s going on.” He kissed your hair softly, his own voice quiet and thoughtful; “I’ll look into it, okay? Someone in the Bureau must know what’s going on. Be careful, I don’t like it either. Not when it’s this persistent.” You pulled away from him – voice suddenly commanding; “Hide those plans, Director.” Orson smiled gently at the dead serious look on your face, “Yes M’am.”

 So he did so – and you had no idea where. Before you knew it his digging around in intelligence had him exploring leads off planet, and upon your instruction to follow them, Krennic had to kiss you goodbye. “Just, keep me updated. Discreetly.” “Of course. You be careful down here. And if they do call you back, well, obviously I want to be the first to congratulate you…” He smirked over the word congratulate and you shook your head, “Well you better be ready to get your new ship over to mine then.” “Ah-! You heard!” He grinned. Of course you knew – people within engineering had already complained loudly enough before, when he’d had the first ship built. After it’d been ruined on Scarif, Krennic needed a new one – but he wanted an upgraded version, faster, lighter, sleeker. And you had heard the screaming from your office: “HE WANTS WHAT-!? I’M NOT BUILDING THAT OBSOLETE MODEL FOR A SECOND TIME!!!” And had simply chuckled into your coffee. It had been built though, but you hadn’t seen it yet. “It’s faster than the old one, I’d be with you in no time.” “Good…” You couldn’t help but smirk back, and brush your lips to his one more time; “Then you can get that ass of yours in my bed.”

*** It was hard being away from him, considering you’d both had to be here for so long and by now you’d grown used to his company. But it got interesting when the Resolution got pulled into docking. With Krennic updating you as often as he could, you were happy to tell him that you got to see your ship again. Jerod was there to receive you, looking pretty good in his command uniform, as you sprinted down the dock ramps to him. “What did you do to my ship-!?” “Nothing, General, she’s fine!!” “Fine, my ass--!” You reigned yourself into a walk, and then slowed to a halt in front of him, cheerful smile on your face “What are you doing in dock?” “To be honest we don’t know.” He gave a genuine shrug; “We thought you might be able to fill us in.” You folded your arms, “I’ve heard nothing. Been bribed plenty. I hope they don’t think that because Orson’s off planet I’ll cave. But seeing her…” You traced your eyes over the hull of the Resolution with a smile, she was gorgeous, and you missed being her captain terribly. But you refused to give up the work of the man you loved so much to be aboard her again. Your heart could yearn this as much as it wanted – it would have a harder time betraying him, and yearning for a love it had lost for itself. You shook your head as several unfathomable emotions coursed through you, and you pursed your lips. You weren’t sure the right way to finish that sentence either. “Maybe they’re going to give her back to you.” “Ha.” You scoffed, and highly doubted it. But then maybe Tully was right – maybe they really couldn’t do this without you. Maybe they had finally given up. “Perhaps. I guess I’ll wait that one out.” You turned your eyes on him, and then decided to grin; “…In the meantime, thank you for looking after her Jerod.” “Oh!” His smile was bashful and he bowed to your rank, “You’re very welcome. It’s been a pleasure.” *** You read the title of the email twice. Wine glass half way to your lips – although you’d quite forgotten about it. Everything was suddenly frozen in time. And the chimes coming from your datapad to alert you to other incoming messages and documents couldn’t draw your attention from those words. “For the Urgent Attention of High General F/N L/N.” it appeared to have no sender, and it wasn’t even the urgent that grabbed you, you’d seen people pull shit like that all the time in the clamour to catch the attention of a busy General such as yourself. It was the next part that had you; “Presence Requested on Mustafar.” No one ever got called there, not for anything good. And the one time Krennic went it hadn’t exactly been his finest hour. But you?!  What exactly had you done that warranted an audience with Vader? You swallowed hard. Now you were really in trouble. And you knew even dating someone in intelligence couldn’t save you.

 You threw the email to Orson just in case – asking him what the hell he thought was up. Krennic came back barely a second later imploring you to go, but that he had no idea. And neither did he respond with any further information than that, suggesting that he’d come to a dead end. Or there was something more worthy of his time, considering what he was actually off planet for. You made a stop off to the Intelligence Bureau one last time, because there was only one other man you trusted in that entire organisation. But he already knew you were coming. ‘Y/N I can’t help you’ ‘So you know?!’ ‘It’s out of my hands’ ‘You DO know!’ ‘Perhaps, but on my head be it should I disclose it to anyone. Go, for the sake of everything you have ever worked for, and tell the truth. They’ll understand. And between you and I, Tarkin deserved to be put in his place after Scarif – I lost a few good friends out there. Make sure you go to that meeting and do it again…’ *** So that’s how you ended up on your shuttle out across the Galaxy towards Mustafar now. Due to the grounding of the Resolution, Jerod was the one in the pilot seat. And although you spend the majority of your journey sitting chewing your lip and running your big speech over in your mind, you were glad of friendly company. He only offered small talk on a few occasions, when he thought you might want a pause from overthinking. You were happy to provide it and it was a welcome respite – but you couldn’t stop yourself pondering this. As long as it wasn’t for your alleged scheming with the rebels – or whatever rumour was going around, you thought you’d probably be fine. If it was, you might find yourself reprimanded even further for screaming about how ludicrous it was.

All of that was thrown out the window about 3 minutes before you landed, because as Jerod slowed your jets for the landing strip – a second cruiser was visible in the heat haze – slick black-on-black against the red and amber glowing fire of sluggish molten rock.   “Is that Krennic’s?” You wished he hadn’t voiced it. “Yeah.” Your reply was quiet; it looked brand new, polished to within an inch of its life and just out of the factory. A close resemblance to the last one, but sleeker and sharper. You pitied it having to stand here in heat like this so soon. “Did he tell you he was coming?” “No.” Which hurt more than just a little, if he was called here why wouldn’t he tell you? You had told him; but perhaps Orson didn’t want to add to your anxiety. Or perhaps he’d come to your aid – to back up your story. You wondered if that would at all be welcomed. “Shut the engines off, but stay here. And stay cool – this shouldn’t take too long.” “Yes M’am.” You patted his shoulder as you rose from your seat, taking a deep breath before swallowing hard. Jerod caught your wrist; “Y/N.” You turned back to him, “Be careful.” “I will. You too.” Though you weren’t exactly sure why you were saying that. But, you reminded yourself, you weren’t to trust anyone in the Empire these days. You hurried down the ramp from your ship and were too inquisitive in the new look of his not to wander over and inspect. It was beautiful and classic, if obsolete. You stared up at the wings, the way the red reflected off them; harsh the light might have been, but the engineering was stunning. You slowed your pace, still staring at it – it was larger, but you reckoned that was because it had bigger engines and more power. But it was cut more economically, and though you thought you’d be asking for a death wish suggesting the old model was anything less than perfect, this one looked a lot less clunky. And you would bet it didn’t make that annoying whirring noise as it cut through the air.

You turned back to the walkway leading up into the fortress and took another deep breath. It wasn’t a long way to walk, but you bet already it’d be the longest of your life. You could already see a figure waiting for you at the top ready to lead you to god knows where.  You knew it wasn’t Krennic, he’d already be sprinting back down towards you if that was the case. You straightened yourself and began your march – time to be as professional and presentable as possible. Except you had to loosen your collar just slightly, damn this place for being so stiflingly hot it was nearly insufferable. How the hell Orson dare come back in the uniform he insisted on wearing was beyond you; how did he stand it? Mind you, Krennic would suffer for the aesthetic. When you reached the figure, an older man huddled in a black cloak – he stooped slightly in what you presumed was a bow - “High General F/N L/N. We have been expecting you. Please, follow me.” We!? Oh, you didn’t like this one bit. You didn’t think it would help in this situation, and you weren’t the quickest draw, but you still checked your blaster was on your hip – it made you feel just a little safe. Against Lord Vader, Y/N? You’ll be dead before you can even reach for it! You scowled at yourself; Not Helpful! You followed him down a series of passages, and realised you must be getting closer to the core of the planet… or volcano… where else could you possibly be led? Strangely enough, it wasn’t as warm here – and you wondered what exactly caused the temperature to drop. If it was a cooling instillation you were going to need that number just to give props to them. Eventually your guide stopped, and pulled to one side, holding his arm out to present yet another ramp. He stooped again; “Lord Vader awaits your presence.” Even though “Thank you.” came out of your mouth, what you were really thinking was Oh. Shit.  

*** You’d only taken two steps down but already had forgotten most of the things that you’d set out to say. Indeed, he was waiting at the other end of a circular platform – already you were beginning to feel uneasy. You weren’t even the tiniest bit force sensitive, but you didn’t think there was anyone in the Galaxy that couldn’t feel that aura. He was alone on the platform save for an odd looking bundle to one side, that you noticed but deemed irrelevant enough to ignore. You hoped more than anything that your fight or flight response would allow you to stand your ground, and argue your case, rather than back down and shy away from any conflict. You wanted your ship back – but you would not give Krennic or his work up to be there. And you’d given him your word. You kept your eyes on Vader, aware of the beads of sweat gathering on your forehead, and trickling down the side of your face. And you weren’t even sure that was the apparent heat. Annoyingly all that was filling your head was a million ways to die. You glanced down at the lava running below you and swallowed thickly again. God Damn… You raised your eyes again - You can do this. If Krennic can get out of here, then you can. You were about five steps away from the platform now – and were figuring out that etiquette was probably to let him speak first. Only the bundle you were so intent on ignoring moved at precisely the wrong second. You stumbled your last two steps – eyes wide, horrified, if you hadn’t simultaneously lost the ability to breathe, let alone speak, then you probably would have yelled something. There was only one reason that he’d been left on the platform. That wasn’t just a warning but a display. Krennic wasn’t dead, and – man that he was – probably didn’t even wish it. But that pristine white uniform was nearly dyed red. The only cuts you could see were the ones visibly across his face and anything that had cut through his uniform – he couldn’t even stay on his hands and knees properly, and his arms shook with the effort. You were frozen – not because you didn’t want to sprint across the platform to him, but in that doing so would prove the point. You stood up straight, fighting every urge in you to scream, or run, or cry. To get you both through this – you could do none of those things. His head raised slowly, and he turned those blue eyes on you, now desperate. Orson’s lips parted – but whether to say he was sorry, or to beg for you to leave you’d never quite know. You gave a single shake of your head, but barely moved. Save it. Stay alive. Before you turned your eyes back to Vader. “General L/N.” “Lord Vader.” Your voice at least sounded self-assured, which you thought was better than you could possibly have expected – near enough a miracle. You used that confidence to spur yourself forward, and took a step, straightening your back further – folding your arms behind you to keep it that way. “It’s been a while.” You tried not to flick your eyes to Krennic, who was still staring at you. You weren’t sure how best to tell him to quit it – so all you could do was try and tune him out. But that was hard, because he was hurting, and the only thing you wanted to do when he was hurting was hold and protect him. That’s what you did. You’d been doing that for years – even back when he didn’t realise it. And he did the same for you, but right now you were both balancing on a knife edge and you were one tiny wrong move from toppling you both off of it. “It has,” you gave a nod “due to project intersections – my team and facility have been busy on great things for the Empire – and then of course when I was then given the opportunity to make a difference in the war with The Resolution I’ve been on the forefront of many a battle. Now that I find myself grounded…” You gave a shrug, “I am participating in many a strategic meeting.” “A lot all at once.” It was his turn to take a step, “Your rise through the ranks has not gone unnoticed. Neither has your commandeering of The Resolution and your instrumental handling of many strategic battles in this war we wouldn’t have won without you.” Despite the desire to swell with pride at these remarks coming from Darth Vader himself, you took all of that with a pinch of salt, because there was a punchline somewhere. And you didn’t think it was going to be humorous; “…But also your disregard for Officers at higher rank.  Consistently.” You would have disagreed with that. You ‘d only punched Tarkin in the face the once. “Officer Tarkin’s handling of the situation on Scarif was unprofessional in itself. We lost many lives, so much more data. A good outpost; before we think of the Star Destroyers and lives lost in the battle itself.” Okay, maybe it was the only physical punch you’d ever given anyone you disagreed with. “Perhaps building something not so problematic would lead the issue not to lie with the Governor?” If he was asking you to place the blame on Krennic, you would deflect. “Tarkin gave the order and I didn’t witness him attempt to evacuate. If you would ask me to change my log, my apologies, but I will not.” You were surprised you could just say that out loud. And thought maybe later you’d give yourself a slap on the wrist. Ballsy! “You were summoned here to explain yourself. And that you have at least done. But if you think that’s an excuse.” You blinked a few times and then allowed your eyes to return to Krennic, and whatever had just clicked in your head was also obviously on his face. Vader and Tarkin were in league here. This was more than likely a trap. And you and your lover had both just walked into it. That put you on the offensive; “I firmly believe that Scarif should not have been lost to stop Rebels in the way it all happened. The Death Star plans are worth saving – but the cost is too great in numbers for my liking and all I wanted Tarkin was to be aware of exactly what he had cost the Empire.” Then you took a breath, and added “Sir.” “Another great loss, Y/N, is yours in our ranks. And we can give you that back.” You noticed that his walk track changed, and each step was now towards Krennic, whose blue eyes flickered to obvious fear noticing this. But at least they were off you. Orson could barely move, but he still attempted to move away. “All you need to do is hand over the plans that you already have.” You answered without a moment’s hesitation or second thought; “I don’t have them.” “Come now, Y/N.” You froze for a second time, as this voice came from behind you. “We all know that isn’t true.” Tarkin was practically right behind you before you heard his footfall. “All you need to do is hand them over, and all this will go away.” You turned your head towards him, “I don’t know where they are. And I will not hand Director Krennic’s life’s work over to you. That is his to give.” Especially not Tarkin. It was hard to keep the spite out of your voice. Tarkin raised an eyebrow with a deep sigh and he crossed the platform towards Vader, hands crossed behind his back; “I rather think the Director incapable of doing anything right now…” and you didn’t miss the smug smirk across his face; “You BASTARD! You did this!” You took another few steps, quite prepared to shove him into liquid fire. But the next step Vader took was firm and too close, and you had to stop. Allowing Tarkin to turn to you; “Oh no. You did this. Y/N.” You glared at him, voice bitter; “I suppose you want an apology too?” “Wouldn’t say no.”  You scoffed, and couldn’t help yourself. No. Way. “But I know I can forget it.” He nodded to Krennic, “Can he?” “The choice is yours, General.” Vader and Tarkin stood together, and there was not a person in the Galaxy that could stand with you against them, the one man that would was bleeding on the floor and they had caused it. “Hand the files over, or your Director dies.”

You blinked hard for a moment, and thought you might just have misheard. But here in this situation, there was absolutely no way you could have. They were about to bargain with you for Krennic’s life! How the hell were you supposed to negotiate your way through this?! You had to get both of you out of here alive. You wouldn’t leave without him, and they were counting on that. “I don’t have it.” You gritted your teeth – he’d hidden it and you’d asked him to, so what the hell did they expect you to do with that-!? “You honestly expect us to believe that?” Tarkin chuckled, and you were about ready to kill him, “This is his life we’re talking about now. Surely you care about that.” You took another deep, slow breath and looked to him again. Krennic gave you the same small head shake that you’d given him - and you could have killed him too. There was no way you were letting him die. But you knew exactly what he meant. The problem was, if you still refused, and they killed him… And then killed you, what would that accomplish? You couldn’t live without him and they knew that just as much as you did. They’d likely leave you alive and broken just to spite you. There was silence for a moment, and it was just a second too long for Tarkin’s liking; “Have it your way.” Krennic went from looking at you to the floor almost immediately – reaching for his neck. For a moment everything felt very surreal, you’d heard about this and you’d heard about it from Orson himself – but actually watching him choke for breaths he couldn’t take was more sickening than anything you could have possibly seen in a warzone. And they could tell it was affecting you, by the visible pain on your face – tears were already stinging your eyes. “Stop it! You can’t just-” “Can’t we?” You looked between them again, Krennic’s forehead was to the floor now and he had seconds if that. “He didn’t DO anything!” You were desperate and this time you sounded it. “Director Krennic has done a great many things, General, he’s lucky he hasn’t met an untimely demise before this.” You tore your eyes from him again, this was unbearable – and you couldn’t stand by and watch him die. Not for anything. Not even if he never forgave you. “STOP IT!” This time you screamed it; “I’ll give you what you want just let him GO!” You knew they’d need more than just your word, and though you probably couldn’t have hated yourself any more – you pulled the disk from inside your uniform jacket. Vader released the Force Choke and even just hearing Krennic take a ragged breath and spluttering cough had relief flooding you. Tarkin stared at the disk suspiciously; “What is that? The data packs on Scarif were huge. It took an entire tower to transmit things like those plans, you can’t honestly think we’d belie-” “They’re access codes. All of them, to every file he has on the project.” They turned to each other in silent conversation before Tarkin seemed satisfied, and crossed to prise the disk from your hands. “Well. At least we know you can make one good decision Ms. L/N.” You narrowed your eyes at him not calling you by rank, but you were still aware your lover was taking breaths that sounded painful, sprawled out on the floor. “I’ll see you reinstated to The Resolution. Even without an apology. I have been thoroughly entertained.” He stepped back to Vader, satisfied. “Well, I believe we’ve got what we wanted, Lord Vader.” He turned back, with that same smug smirk. “And now we can impart the rest of the information.”

You flinched, surely they had both done enough. What else could they possibly do. “Director.” Krennic raised his head from the floor, breathing still shaking his body. He wasn’t yet ready to speak. And you didn’t think you’d ever seen Tarkin look crueller. “Orson Callan Krennic, you are hereby stripped of rank-” You couldn’t help but gape, what the FUCK!? “-and office. You will no longer work for the Advanced Weapons Division, or the Intelligence Bureau. Or hold a position within the Empire ever again. You will be blacklisted throughout the Galaxy… Good Luck finding a job, Krennic.” You could only stare in disbelief, hurting him wasn’t enough, now they had to break and humiliate him? And Orson had never been very good at hiding his emotions. But Tarkin and Vader had just turned him from Director to Civilian. And you had absolutely no leverage to waltz into someone’s office and demand it be reinstated. ‘Make yourself indispensable,’ you had said ‘and you’ll be safe.’ all it sounded like was the biggest lie. Tarkin turned back to you, smile almost cheerful, and he waved the disk. “Congratulations, General. You’ve done this yourself.” He swivelled his head back to Krennic, with a tut, “It’s not like he was much use to the Empire anyway…”

You couldn’t talk either, for different reasons. They were about to walk away with Krennic’s life’s work. And leave you with a broken man whose work you had just handed over. There wasn’t any way you were coming out of this intact. You had promised him you’d never give it up – you had broken that promise for his life. And yet Tarkin had taken it from him anyway. “Welcome back, General - you made the right choice. I look forward to seeing you in the air again.” If you thought you could even reach for your blaster right now with your emotions racing the way there were and your hands shaking, you’d have sent a bolt through his heart. By the tone in his voice he wasn’t even really addressing you, but Krennic; yes, Orson she did choose her own ambition over you. Whereas the reality couldn’t have been more different; his life over his work. And nagging in the back of your mind somewhere - and perhaps your only consolation prize, was that they still didn’t know about the fault. “I suppose you want to move now?” Tarkin addressed you again as he turned away; “With your ship reinstated I see no reason to make you stand around here and wait for any more. He’ll probably need medical attention, General. You may wish to see to that.” With that they both left. And you sprinted.

“Orson! Orson! Oh my god-!” The bleeding was a lot worse than it looked, by the way that he was huddled. But he pushed you away, devastated; “You gave it up-! You PROMISED ME!!” “It was your LIFE! Your LIFE! I couldn’t LOSE YOU! I can’t LOSE YOU!” “MY LIFE-!? THEY JUST DESTROYED MY LIFE--!” He choked again, finding the strength to push you once more “I have nothing. Leave me.” “I am NOT leaving you! Don’t you dare say that… I…” You were already both crying. “Orson, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry-! If I’d have thought for one second that they’d…” Your eyes traced his body; hurt and bleeding - all you wanted to do was protect him from everything, and you were regretful most of all for not being able to protect him before now, if you’d have got here earlier, could you have spared him this? And then you were sobbing and this time he let you pull his fragile body into yours – which only made him sob into your uniform, hands tangling in your jacket he buried his head in your chest in an attempt to hide himself from the world – and your arms could do nothing more than hold him. You weren’t even sure you’d done your job at protecting him now – you’d failed at the only job that really mattered; “Baby, I’m so sorry…” --- @menndelsohn​ @3134045126​​ @happyskywhale​ @wltz-bby​ #MendoTagSquad

[same-side]

hiiii! i just wanna say, i adore your art. second, im teaching myself to draw and while i can draw simple basics (mouths and sometimes eyes if im lucky), im still a beginner. ive watched many art videos and im still a bit confused on wtf im doing. so i just came here to ask if you had any words of wisdom for beginners? could be anything from what tablets to buy to simple mistakes to avoid. ive read some of the other posts here and have found it all extremely helpful so far! Thx for all you do!!

Hey there! Thank you so much!

I would put a read more but tumblr is broken. I’m trying to cover a lot of varied thoughts in little points, so if there’s anything you would like me to elaborate on or otherwise have questions on, feel free to shoot me an ask or dm me!

General

I think the biggest thing to remember is not to compare yourself extensively to others. A little bit of comparison is healthy... But too much will destroy your confidence, motivation, and take the fun out of art. Particularly if you are comparing yourself to someone older than you (life experience and coordination come into play here) or that has been drawing much longer (practice). 

Additionally... If you’re not having fun (and you’re not getting paid to do it), don’t force yourself. If you find yourself being frustrated or bored with art, don’t force yourself to do it. That’s how you burn out and get art block! This applies to parts of a peice, too! If you don’t feel like drawing a face or a hand today? don’t force yourself to finish it. Come back to it later when you aren’t as frustrated or are getting better results. Even if its a week or a month from now. Honestly, at any given time I have probably ten headless bodies in my drafts. That’s okay! I just come back to them when I’m ready to do the face. And don’t be afraid to abandon something if it doesn’t feel right!

Something that also doesn’t get said enough.... take care of your body! I never knew when I started art, but artists are supposed to do warmup sketches and stretches and muscle exercises! I didn’t do any of this, and i went through a period of a few months where I was drawing for 5ish hours every single day. I developed carpal tunnel from it! So remember to take care of yourself. Take breaks, stretch, remember to eat.

Practice

Practice!!!! Even if its just for fifteen minutes every day. Or twice a week. But if art is something you really want to get good at, you have to put in the time and effort!! You can’t expect to draw an hour per month and be on the same level as someone who draws an hour a day!

I know I say this a lot but I think the biggest thing is just reference! If you don’t know what something looks like, look at a picture of it when you draw it! To go hand in hand with that, though, don’t just copy what you see! Learn from it and apply it! So take, for example, a shoe! pay attention to the way the heel is shaped, the location of the eyelets for the laces... how large the toe is, how steep the top! While you’re at it, look at other styles of shoes as well, and compare them! See what makes it look like a boot versus a trainer! And then the next time you draw it, hopefully you’ll remember all the things you learned the first time around!

I do lots of studies that serve no purpose other than to teach me things! I use referencing/studies to learn about color theory, shapes, and anatomy in a real environment. For example, hands or fabric folds! Oftentimes I’ll do them timed (20 or 45 minutes) so that I don’t fixate on perfecting things, just on the process itself and what I can learn from it. This also helps with getting better acclimated to your software and more coordinated with what you’re doing. Repetitive learning, like with playing sports. 

I’ve realized a lot of people don’t quite understand what a study is? Basically you just look at a photo and try to replicate it so that you can learn about lighting or color theory or textures or anatomy or whatnot. So here’s an example of a timed study.

Additionally, don’t avoid!! We, as humans, have a tendency to avoid things that make us uncomfortable or are difficult. But it will make you a better artist in then end. When I first started, I absolutely hated doing fabric. I felt like I wasn’t good at it. So instead of avoiding drawing clothing, I sat down and did studies and sketches of different kinds of fabric. By the end of this learning period, I became comfortable with it and grew to enjoy it. These days, I adore sketching clothes, and it’s why my pants and shirts and things tend to be detailed instead of stylized in line art. If you don’t like drawing hands because you feel like you aren’t good at it? Sit down, look at a bunch of pictures of different hands, and practice it. By the end, you’ll be more comfortable, you’ll have learned something. Even if you feel like the drawings you ended up with aren’t good, you’ll still have learned, and that’s what matters!

Style

I worked on basics before I tried to develop a style. I made sure to start with a very realistic method at first, so that I could be sure I understood how fabric folds, anatomy, and realistic expressions worked before I tried to stylize them. I think in the long run this approach really paid off for me. It also allowed me to be conscientious of what elements I was absorbing into my artwork. I hear from so many artists that they started drawing when they were younger and into anime or cartoons or things like that, and tried to emulate it. Because those styles became so ingrained into their artistic skillset, it becomes near impossible to iron out those influences and get rid of them later. So starting with realism is a way to ingrain proper anatomy and other good practice into your artwork.

One way to develop style is to take a look at the artwork of someone you admire, and try to list out the things you like form their style - perhaps the thickness of their lines, or the way they do eyes. Do this with several artists, take all those little details you like and try them out! See if you enjoy using them in your own drawing process! Think of it like a grab bag or a pick-n-mix, sprinkling in the elements you like here and there to create something new and your own - not just copying another artists style word for word.

Don’t worry too much about it though; don’t allow yourself to become anxious or fixated on “achieving a style”. Its a natural ever evolving process that comes with time and practice. I know a lot of people get hung up on style, but just take it one day at a time!

Also try to keep in mind what style you’re going for as you begin drawing. And I don’t mean that like sailor moon vs. ghibli. I mean that as in, is this piece going to be a painting, a lineart, a lined painting, cell shading...? It will help you in the longrun if you narrow down the broad kind of style you use, and refine from there. 

Workflow

My workflow for paintings is very different from my workflow for lineart and cell shading. A full tutorial on how I do paintings can be found here! A process video for how I cell shade can be found here!

Everyone is going to have a different method that works for them! You just have to experiment and find out how you like to draw! For me, personally, I use color blocking for painting (see the tutorial above) and a spine method for lineart. How the spine method works is that I will draw lines that represent the legs, arms, back, etc. so that I can determine the placement, length, and composition. From there, I’ll add a dark outline that actually shows the shapes of the body. Then, I’ll use thinner lines to add details. This is the method I’ve found that works for me. Another commonly used method that I’m sure you’ve seen is representing body parts with cylinders and cubes. There are lots of good tutorials out there on breaking down bodies into shapes like this!

Something that I do is if I’m not quite happy with a part of a drawing, I don’t just erase it. I duplicate the layer so that I always have the original copy, and then I make changes from there. Sometimes I can end up with five or six different versions of the same arm or face that i’ve made minor changes to. And then I compare and pick the one I like best, or condense all the parts I like from each version to make a “best” version.

Tools

Currently I use Procreate and the standard Ipad with Apple Pencil. Prior to March I was using a Wacom Bamboo Touch and Photoshop Elements 2008. I find its harder for me to do full paintings in procreate, but its made my life a million times easier for lineart and cell shading. The pen pressure is phenomenal, and I also adore that its wireless / active screen instead of plug in like the wacom. The programme itself is intuitive and easy to get the hang of; it simply lacks a lot of the neat tricks that photoshop has, like rendering (lens flares, for example), gradients, and gradient maps. Try testing out different trials of programmes... firealpaca, photoshop, autodesk, whatever it may be! What works for me may not work for you!

[ahinterlandromance]

RUSTY ORANGE

I guess you could say about every shade of orange that it is “the” colour of october given it’s the Halloween-month with all of the pumpkins and pumpkin spice lattes and all that. :) I have to admit, I have never had one of those much beloved “pumpkin spice lattes”, because - unpopular opinion . I actually don’t really like the taste of pumpkins. I only eat the pumpkin seeds, but I guess that hardly counts lol.

That said, I do like the look of pumpkins and most of all their colour as you were probably able to guess. I actually do have a few orange pieces in my wardrobe, because I happen to think it suits me rather well. I have always been a fierce advocate for all of those warm golden colours of autumn, like the flames of a fire.

This particular dress (or tunic if you want to go by the description of it online) is from H&M. It’s from their Trend Collection - I think some of the best pieces are from that range. Though I think H&M in general has been doing amazing stuff for the past two years now overall. There is so much to love about this tunic. especially the puffy sleeves with the gatherings near the shoulders imo add such a cool touch. But I also love the dropped hem and slightly gathered skirt. And it is SO flowy. There is a LOT of material to this dress, I am not going to lie and many may consider it really unflattering , because it doesn’t give you any shape, but to be perfectly honest that I exactly why I like it.

It is massive though, I am well aware of that (but still I don’t think it drowns me - but maybe I am blind in that regard lol). Especially if you consider that I am wearing the smallest size available. I honestly think with pieces like this one H&M could probably do “one sizes” and only offer it in two different lengths, because I’d argue this piece could be worn by anyone from a size 34 up to a size 44. I am lucky enough to be able to wear most “tunics” as dresses given that I am not the tallest person around. But even if you’re like 10 or 15 cm taller than me I’d estimate you’d be able to wear this one as a dress as well. To be honest I am kind of hoping that this will go on sale at some point, because it’s also available in white. And even though I have wayyyyy to many white/cream/beige dresses, I’d definitely add this shape to my collection in white despite that fact.

I kept this outfit pretty simple. I thought this dress and its shape in itself does enough of the talking, so I only threw a scarf around my neck - you will rarely see me without one in autumn and winter - added some delicate gold jewelry and grabbed a hat to “polish” this outfit off with it. I am a bit of a hat lover and I own quite a few (all have been very affordable). This is the newest addition and I think it has one of the best shapes, because the brim is really stiff. One day I will order a hat from Lack of Colours, but they are pricy, so... Until then I am more than happy with my 10 to 20 euro hats. :) 

Oh, and I almost forgot the footwear. I’m wearing Marc O’Polo suede western boots here. Scored these for less than half of the original price and I am in LOVE with it.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the pictures (there are a couple more down below).

Much love,

Jenny

[dailyexo]

[NEWS] Baekhyun - 190310 Allure: “How EXO's Baekhyun Put His Identity into Privé Alliance”

"Allure's Devon Abelman sat down with the K-pop star during his first-ever solo appearance in the U.S to discuss how he defines beauty and style on his own terms.

BY DEVON ABELMAN

If I didn't know who Baekhyun was before meeting him in February, I would have thought he was just a random handsome dude I met at a nightclub while on vacation in Los Angeles.

As he politely tells a roving cater waiter offering us mini cannolis, "No thank you," I find myself believing that Baekhyun truly is that guy. I'm fully aware of his claim to fame, but he doesn't look or act the part. For starters, Baekhyun's lids aren't defined with expertly blended smoky eyes, and his lips aren't stained with a raspberry lip tint. Those tell-tale signs of a man with his job description are noticeably missing. Not a single stroke of eyeliner or fleck of glitter is in sight, either (honestly, to my dismay). A part of me hoped we'd bond over our eye makeup.

Makeup aside, Baekhyun carries himself with a quiet confidence that is so unassuming that he seems weirdly familiar and incredibly normal compared to the influencers, actors, and singers milling around us in the private VIP area. He never acts like he's better or more important than any other person there. Instead, he has the affability of the construction worker who waves to me every morning on my way to work rather than the larger-than-life bearing of a superstar from Seoul who effortlessly hits high notes while simultaneously performing powerful choreography. During our interview, I felt like I should ask him about his dog instead of his skin-care routine. If I didn't know who Baekhyun was, I would have wondered why I was interviewing him for Allure at all.

Baekhyun's wavy hair reminds me why this article exists on the Internet and not solely as a story I recount to my friends over text messages. Parted in the middle and styled to have a wet look, his auburn ends are relics of internationally beloved K-pop group EXO's most recent concept. His hair, for all intents and purposes, is the reason why we ended up sitting together in a cushy booth in the back corner of the dimly lit VIP section of a club on a Tuesday night. Trust me, neither of us frequent this fine L.A. establishment, located next to the Museum of Death. You won't even catch me in a club when I'm at home in Brooklyn. To put it bluntly, I'm only in this club talking to a nice guy because he's a member of EXO.

The EXO Connection

If this is your introduction to Baekhyun, please know that EXO is a Big Deal. Among their long list of awards and chart-topping accomplishments, the nine-member group performed at the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics and has racked up more than 100 million views on each of their music videos on YouTube.

By extension, Baekhyun — full name Byun Baekhyun, age 26 — is a Big Deal, too. In addition to being a talented performer with 14.5 million Instagram followers, his bright dye jobs, innovative hairstyles, and experimental eye makeup have sparked beauty trends in K-pop since EXO debuted in 2012. You can, more or less, blame him for the influx of mullets and red-streaked black hair among other idols and thank him for the proliferation of red eye shadow. No matter how controversial or dramatic the looks Baekhyun tries are, he always pulls them off with ease and joviality.

Back to Baekhyun's auburn hair, though. Like most K-pop stars, he constantly undergoes vibrant dye jobs in hues, like pink, silver, and platinum, to fit the group's concepts. For "Love Shot," EXO's latest music video, he paired his newly burgundy hair with a glimmering eye shadow of the same shade and sooty black liner. Now his look is an extremely streamlined version of this.

His current lack of makeup may be a stark contrast from the bold eye looks he typically wears onstage and in music videos, but his skin is just as dewy as ever with the help of a nearly undetectable layer of foundation. His brows are probably lightly filled in, too, but I could be reaching. If anything, Baekhyun's wearing the standard amount of makeup for celebrity men. Just enough to amplify his glow, not enough to make a statement.

Baekhyun's glow is due in part to a consistent regimen; he lists toner, lotion, and moisturizer as the official order. But how many times do you wash your face, I ask, causing a couple of people in the human bubble of managers, publicists, and security guards surrounding us to laugh. Baekhyun ignores their snickers and answers, "Two," in English. (That's right, double cleansing is no laughing matter.) "If I wash my face too many times, I get skin troubles," he adds.

Baekhyun says he hasn't changed up the steps of his skin-care routine in L.A., or ramped up the number of sheet masks he uses. With EXO constantly traveling for concerts and events, "My skin gets used to the environment," he says. "So wherever I am, I use the same skin-care routine."

The Privé Connection

In hindsight, I should have anticipated Baekhyun would present himself in this low-key manner for his first-ever solo appearance in the U.S. In Privé campaigns, he's usually seen as he is now: natural, casual, effortlessly cool. His makeup is minimal; his natural-colored hair looks like all he did was run his hand through it; his outfits are sleek. With all this in mind, I ask him if he could dye his hair any color for the next campaign, what would it be.

How did I end up interviewing Baekhyun in a club, you ask? Let's go back to May 2018. Baekhyun made it onto Vogue's home page when he was named the co-creative director of streetwear brand Privé Alliance. Alongside Danyl Geneciran, the brand's CEO, Baekhyun helps create pieces that "put highlights on the basics," Baekhyun explains to me. He later reveals that he's surprised that almost all of his ideas have been executed.

My favorite part of Privé is how its offerings have a certain fluidity to them, much like Baekhyun's onstage persona. None of Privé's shirts, jackets, and bags are confined to overtly masculine or feminine silhouettes, and the same designs are available for men and women. "It's very important to have everyone be able to wear the clothes comfortably," Baekhyun explains. "Without any official communication, we agreed that [Privé Alliance] is going to be unisex."

With the newest Privé Alliance collection launching in April, the brand invited the public to join Baekhyun for a fashion presentation. The location: the very club we are sitting in. Although he doesn't act like he is (he kept to himself for most of the event), Baekhyun is undoubtedly the center of attention. He is the reason the floor below us is with filled with people from all over the world. Everyone's here to see Baekhyun, not the latest Privé pieces.

The Identity Connection

This is the only question Baekhyun doesn't answer concisely and without hesitation. "I don't know," he says in English. After taking a couple of seconds to think about it, he adds in Korean, "I love the black," adding "simple" in English.

This single word — simple — perfectly mirrors Baekhyun's personal aesthetic. "Basics, but with many little details," he explains. "It’s like you just came out of your house, but it’s still cool." In other words, he's the epitome of "Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on." I ask if he prefers to keep his hair and makeup natural and low-key, too, and he quickly replies, "yes, yes," in Korean.

The fact that Prive's aesthetic is similar to Baekhyun's is intentional. "I put my identity and myself into this collection," he tells me, echoing a line he shared when he made a brief appearance onstage before the fashion presentation commenced. The theme of the collection was his birth year, 1992, with zip-up corduroy jackets and hoodies adorned with '92 in big text.

Another adage he repeats throughout the night is, "Be brave. Be humble." The same words are printed all over the collared white satin shirt he's wearing, layered under a similar navy blue one. After the event, I saw people saying the look recalled EXO's "Lotto" era, back in 2016 when his hair was styled in a similar way and he wore collared shirts with several of the top buttons undone and silver necklaces. Onyx shadow was blended all over his lids back then, though. Fans likened Baekhyun's look that night to a mafia boss. (Seeing those tweets made me laugh, because his charm is far from disarming.) But for Baekhyun, his outfit is more a matter of comfort. "I like how silky it feels," he says. I go on to compare it to pajamas, which makes him chuckle.

Baekhyun doesn't ignore the fact that he typically presents himself with intricate details. Performing, he points out, is his go-to form of self-expression, outside of working with Privé. And let's be real, Baekhyun's performances, which ooze confidence and allure, wouldn't be the same without his stunning hair and makeup.

To borrow a word from Baekhyun, identity — and the way we present ourselves — isn't fixed. For example, the way my best friend describes my identity could be strikingly different from the way my sisters would. The way I dress when I'm going to get a bagel on a Saturday morning (track pants and a T-shirt) is different from how I dress for work (vintage floral dresses) or an event like this (a blue-and-white plaid suit). The way I do my colorful makeup is also evolving, too.

We often see K-pop stars in narrow, controlled situations, though, so we know and define them according to what we're able to see. I'm as guilty of this as the next person, i.e., assuming Baekeyun would show up with eyeliner as bold as my own. When you take a K-pop star out of a K-pop setting, a different side of them is revealed. They no longer have to adhere to a group aesthetic, just their own. We get a glimpse of Baekhyun's at the airport and in the selfies he posts on Instagram, but Privé Alliance has given him a platform to truly show his identity on his own terms.

At that club, I felt like I was being introduced to Baekhyun all over again. Back when I watched EXO's music video for "Monster" the first time, I saw him as part of a carefully crafted package; the second time, I saw him the way he sees himself."

Photo links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Credit: Allure.

[lil-miss-methodical]

China: For those of you who haven't noticed - I'm a black female, and this adds influence as to why I love China even more on Disney. Because growing up I noticed that when it comes to Disney, each generation really only gets that one black girl for big Disney productions. When I was growing up that girl was Raven Symone. I haven’t seen many follow after her - in fact I can count on one hand and none of them have yet to be the focal in a film franchise. A lot of people think this generation's is China McClain but the truth is Disney ain't really shown her the respect and shine she deserves. They actually were more courting the bae, Zendaya. This is until she decided to finally throw in the towel and leave it behind.

I was viewing something from Disney the other day and I just felt so frustrated. It was one of their normal productions - girl's finds herself down the proverbial musical hole of adventure and love and I sat there wondering at the lack of balance when it comes to diversity. I'm not saying that Disney hasn't produced features with young black girls at the core...I'm saying they're few and far between and that's still disheartening because they cannot claim lack of talent or reach. China has been under their umbrella for years - she's everything Disney claims to always want - a triple threat - acting, singing, and a dancer. She's animated, and talented, and she already presents herself the role model everyone pretends a Disney star has to be. They can't claim to have no story for her because for one let's be honest - shes that type of actress that Disney should be excited to write for and for two...Uma is presented in a way that she's just picking for a spin off.

The fact that she doesn't have her own film franchise at this point is just jaw dropping and upsetting all at the same time. The window for minorities is still only opened with the slight. And this has just been speaking on black girls in Disney...we always marvel at the fact that there's only one black Disney princess...but the number is about the same for other races that aren't white. I can't turn on my local Disney channel and find many Asian/Latina/ Indian/etc girls leading the musical journey to self discovery and love either.

And don't get me wrong - on one hand I would even argue that someone of that production saw the potential in both China and Uma and lowkey wanted that spinoff. I say that because there was heavy set up in the writing of the character and her story that demanded more. There was also these side elements like the undercurrent between Uma and Harry leading him to be her possible interest. And while fans like to disrespect these factors by - ignoring them and pretending like there was a display between Harry and anybody but Uma...it is in fact there and intentional. When we get to the end there's this set up of openness and presentation of continuity - audience can easily believe with it all that Uma would be getting her shine in her own story in that moment. So yes, I do believe someone behind the scenes had this concept of a spin off but the small sneak peek of the next film seems to have closed the window even more. Maybe they saw fandom response - read - lack of love/respect for Uma and in some ways China herself. And that's another frustration all of its own.

China did her job - she didn't only perform - she brought down the house, set it on fire then rebuilt from the ashes. So when I say Uma deserves better...I also mean the actress herself. People sit in their homes and sing along to her anthem Whats My Name and they don't see how it speaks on both the character and the young woman behind her brilliance.  

Uma: As I've already said, Uma means more to me than a fictional character I like. She stands for more than that. I could list a million reasons why Uma deserves her story to be told...but the truth is, only one reason matters - She has a story that can carry itself and people are interested in that story. That's it, that simple.

Uma is an interesting character. The moment she enters the scene she steals the show. There's an electricity to her...she's consumed with all the disrespect and deprecation she's experience during her short life, she's driven by a ball of bitterness at being left behind and tossed aside. Externally her actions are wrong but her emotions and her displeasure are stemmed from a very real place that in itself is valid. There are these moments that present whats underneath all that hardness and bluff that she fights to hide - the side of her that sings her anthem about people knowing her name but she doesn't forget the main message - US. You left us here and we're going to show you that leaving us here is the worst decision. She speaks not of leaving hers behind, she is in fact the reason the sea3 exist it's her keeps that image in front of them as she stands between the two. That moment on the deck when Mal throws the VKs in her face and she turns towards Harry with her eyeroll and that 'show ha who my bestie is' chin tap she gives Harry - this isn't as haters describe - to get at Mal, so much as to say, you're not the only one with friends honey and mine are willing to fight for me this time around - I know loyalty and mine are bad too. Uma is a murical character. Mal says something mean and Uma giggles, Mal tells her her bite ain't nothing - she shows her teeth. Mal taunts her with her lack of being able to be a VK, Uma shows whose on her team. She refuses to let Mal have anything over her head on the small table because the girl already has so much power over her. However, as bad as she wants to screw over Mal she does not choose to throw over a beloved friend to do so...that had been done to her and she knows how it feels.

It's this duality that makes one want to fight for her, cheer her on, want her to overcome. It's always difficult to watch those who were hurt want to hurt. But that's sometimes reality, it's a cycle. I hate the way the franchise treats Uma though. As though Mal has no place in her battle. As though Mal is the hero that was just chosen. That's not true at all and Mal has yet to take in the lesson herself, for any chance she gets she feeds that little monster inside Uma that tells her she's not good enough, that she's worthless, unimportant. How do you have a franchise about bad being a gray area and we as humans being salvageable but then feeding into fandoms disgusting habits by claiming Mal is better than Uma.

She's driven mad by anything related to Mal because of Mals constant reminder to her worth. It's easy from what you see or read to assume that Uma's relationship with her mother ain't stable. Seems like Ursula borders on depressed and her only real interaction with her daughter stems from having her and her crew work in her shop. She (Ursula) had failed and been banished and as far as she could see her daughter wasn't even capable enough to rule the prison they'd all been banished to much less total domination.  There is a def lack of interaction here unlike with the VKs and their mother's. This makes Uma's interest in lasting bonds not a stretch because thats the kind of thing she hasn't experienced - the VKs were probably like the golden standard - they had the power, and the familial bond. But joining with them is an absolute no go cause Mal hates her guts. We in turn get the sea3. I prefer this to be honest. Because reality is - sometimes there's these groups you think have everything you want and you wanna be apart of it but they ain't nothing but poison for you. I had that experience in high school so that concept is relatable. I don't want the franchise to end with Uma joining the VKs. The ones that surround her now - at her low point  and still tell her she matters - are the ones she should remain with. Heck I don't even want Uma future to be represented like the VKs. People are so interested in getting out...instead of fixing what's there. I think someone like Uma who can relate to all the bad sides of that life and what comes with it, she would be a great asset to the kids who like her had negativity and self doubt built into them. Taking them out of the zone isn't enough. Some of these kids have the belief that the life they have is all they're worth.

Uma's dream isn't actually to take over the world. It's to prove to people that she's somebody worth something and I for one think that's a hella message.

Ships: Let me start off by admitting that I don't take those who ship Ben and Uma seriously. It seems people think they're cute cause he said some nice things when his life was in danger...romance that does not make. Ben reminds me that some people pay you in lip service, but when the time for action is needed they're missing. That's not to say that Ben doesn't honestly want to do right by Uma and those left behind after seeing how that can affect them, and I'm here for a distant type of friendship out of them...that's about it cause I'm honestly just not a fan of Ben. He's 50 shades of boring. I can't even conceive the notion of him and Uma because the thought of him being a match for Harry is laughable at best. Plus I don't like the concept of male presence and voice of reason making a female come to her senses that comes with Ben. I like the concept of female self discovery coming from within...not because of some random guy that never actually put any effort in placating her life.

I refuse to even give the Mal and Uma ship any shine these days because I realize the bull it is and how disrespectful it is to China and Uma as a character. All these headcanons that makes Mal the center of everyone's love and Uma the one with left overs and adding another level to how she got left behind isn't really entertaining to me. To pretend that Uma is just a scorned lover instead of a girl that was bullied and reeling for someone to see her worth is something I'm not willing to do either.

I'm all in for Harry and Uma and it's more than that amazing chemistry Thomas and China has and the fact that they're both stunners who look good together in these forms. No it's because he's the best friend she deserves. He's the family that's not made of blood but bonds and choice. He accepts all of her - he in no way try's to demean her, he doesn't tell her how amazing she is, he tells other people yes but he shows her. This is because he understands where that need comes from. He can empathize with her need for captainship, for control, for power. And he doesn't mind giving into those needs because it does him no foul. Anything she needs is his first priority. Her enemies are his enemies. Anyone steps out of line with her he pushes them back in often before she even notices there's an issue. To be frank there’s a need for others to see her worth and Harry does. There are times he literally feeds into it - The scene at the shop where she turns towards him and says with all that desperation in her voice, ‘what’s my name’ he doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t balk. Instead he looks her directly in the eye, leans so she’s over him (towering helps one feel power), pulls off his hat (a sign of seriousness and respect), and says in a deep guttural voice - ‘Uma’. He understands her and intentionally maneuvers to help her in overt and subtle ways. The reason I love this though is because it's not used in a messy way. Thats t’s not used as a solution to her problem. It shows his love for her, yes. Its important, yes. It keeps her moving and pushing but its not a solution to her problem because in truth it's not other people that need to see her worth...it's her that needs to see and believe it. But with Harry, she can have love and self discovery- without one erasing the other and I'm here for that.

I also just really love their dynamic. I find it fascinating that people have this so called problem with their dynamic - the fact that she leads and he follows. Why is it when a woman has the control in the relationship or dynamic she is then therefore manipulative and in essences bad. Why is it a male is seen as weaker if he follows a female instead of falling into the assumption of having to lead. Why is the male not seen as strong for going against the processes of society, for choosing the role that makes him happy, for not resisting her power - her claim- her needs. Understand that Harry chooses to follow Uma. She has cast no spell on him, she’s not bending his arm. No one can control Harry, most people can’t even talk to him, he does what he wants consequences be damn - until it comes to Uma.

She’s the captain and yet there's no subtle resentment no harshness. I think this is because she doesn't forget to let him have his moment, have his shine. Normally a captain has a sense of greedy - I, I, I - and while Uma uses her I words, she stills lets his soak up the shine with her. They’re gonna take over together - not one overshadowing the other. In the shine of her anthem Uma is the focal yes, but like she doesn't forget to shine on the us concept of we all got left behind - there is this intentional positioning of Harry. This is intentional because while its the sea3 - only the two of them needs that kind of presence. Gil is not consumed in that way. But with Harry, he’s either always at her helm opening up the image to her or beside her. There's only one moment his not and it's with her at his helm. She's perched on her thrown and he has the stage (one that until that moment only she has been able to present on) and he's preforming and she has the best seat in the house, front row center. It's the imagery that really sets up what their dynamic is. They can say how attached they are but it's not until you see just how joined at the hip they in fact are that you believe it. It's the little things that prove their understanding of one another. People like to pretend it's about her manipulating him and it's really not. They're friends and they have similarities that bond them - they both have these needs to be 'legends' that in some way stem from their parent. This is why they both in some way allow the other to be in the forefront getting that shine.

In a few ways I feel like we’ve only scraped the surface of their dynamic. Theres this scene in the film where they’re at the shop and he’s giving her this look and its this intense moment because they’re faced to face and its almost like a challenge. This is way different from their normal dynamic where he usually gives into her. This time however, he chooses to tower over her, lean into her space. Theres something sensual in the air, as though he’s daring her. You def get the feeling of in this moment they’re both aware of whats between them and he’s silently telling her to step up but she’s the resistant one and in the end has to look away - doing something she normally does not like to do, back down from a challenge. I lived in this moment, because it was such a small scene but held so much power to undercurrents of their relationship and their characters. I would love to see this side of them explored more.

One thing I fear about for their relationship though is not just her resistance and fear, but also who Harry is. Like Uma, what he does is deeply tied to his past and identity. Out of all the characters, he’s the one who most likes the world of the bad. He doesn’t have a personal vendetta against Mal but he does find her new found goodness to be boring and a betrayal to what they all stand for. He hates been not for the silly reason Dove created, but simply because Ben stands for goodness. The more Ben talks the more he dislikes him (I can relate). If you watch Harry you notice he actually watches Uma a lot. There is a big part of him that loves the bloodthirsty malevolent side of her. There are times he gazes upon her with this look of worry like she will give in to the good that others are speaking of. Every time she does something to oppose that he grins, like a real life I’m happy presentation. So I wonder if Uma does have her redemption moment how does that effect Harry. Honestly I can’t imagine Uma not having that dual side of herself. Just like I can’t picture Harry walking around Auradon in preppy clothes and singing at prom. So I am interested to see how that could all play out and how and where they can find their place in a way that really works for them.

Huma is just that good stuff. It doesn't have to be over said...their actions put them in that position.

Things I want but most likely won't get from Disney: *A Uma forefront focal film...really the sea 3 could really have their own show if we're honest *Mal to face how her actions affects others...and an apology would be nice *Huma...huma...did I say Huma! Not that fake surface interaction but that deep soul kinda thing. They have it and many want to see it put to work. *If Uma has to have a slow song - let it be something Todrick Hall's Painting in the Rain. It opens with -

Sticks and stones Hurt harder when you know their thrown From no farther than your own sweet home And you fall flat on the welcome mat You won't be welcomed at (walk that line) There's no when you gotta choose a side There's no gray there's only black and white And it just ain't right If we fight then it's just like Painting in the rain

I think a song with this kind of vibe would be perfect because it speaks on her own personal struggles while also speaking on the general message of not just fighting, but fighting for the right side. Of course it can't be this song - Todrick's speaking more on the lack of equality in the matters of race and sexuality and how we’re slowing progression. But this same vibe, this same tone of story telling would be great for Uma and China really has range with her voice that they could use for a number like this. Given the times we're in, given Uma's message - it could be a powerful number.

I've been having this daydream of Harry and Uma doing this big dance number on the ship with the pirate crew. It's loud and big - with a lot of bang in the beat because pirates are rowdy and always hit the counts. But it's also salsa-ish and sexy with the theme of love - because come on it's Huma. This number just won't leave my head y'all - and it got worse the other day because  Todrick released Forbidden and he has a song called Forever and it is everything I imagined for this number! Every time I hear it I can see the scene even clearer. Uma's hair isn't in braids it's long and loose down her back in curls like China had it during rehearsals. As they dance Harry watches her with those magnetic eyes of his. When that second half beat drops in some of the pirate members take the floor with Gil as the lead for a sick stomp number that has the floorboards jumping and dust dancing into the air. This moment isn't about them being angry, it's just them having a moment. It's Harry getting Uma to let go for one second and just let loose and have fun. I think it's important to show the downtime side of them not just the side that is consumed with getting their due. 

*More freaking Gil! Who is he, what makes him tick? And yes I'm here for him being gay.

*More Harry backstory

Honestly I don't think they are gonna give me anything I want in this next production. That little snippet was enough to make me feel that way. The productions handle of promoting has led me to believe that. If I'm being frank they'll probably ruin Uma in the next one. I try to hold onto hope but Disney ain't got a good track record. They never know when to let go, they continue to beat the dead horse so to speak by trying to force the same character we've already moved on from onto us. But that's the American entertainment way...even when there is an audience begging for something that's missing...

But don't get it twisted - As a character Uma has it all. And as a fan, I'm always ready to watch another Queen conquer.

[daemon-knight]

Allen’s Rambling: RP and Writing Advice

Yeah... I don’t have a cheeky title for this one folks... sorry.

Anyway, this is a topic I’ve been wanting to make for awhile, but I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to talk about about how I make characters and my thought process as I make them. I’ve had Claudia for about 3 years now and I’ve been RPing in general for over ten, so I think I should take that experience and try to explain how exactly I do it, along with giving some general writing advice. That’s the main reason I was asking about what you guys you liked about Claudia and my general writing; so I could figure out exactly what to talk about and how to present. Most of the messages I got were... frankly few, but the information I got was more or less what I expected when I thought about Claudia’s appeal as a character. Namely that she feels three-dimensional and has some shades of grey to her morality. Those were the main points, but I want to start at the very beginning, so...

Make Your Character Simple

I’ve said this several times and I will say it again: make your characters simple. Keep your about and rules pages short, and try not to write that +5000 word essay on your character’s world building on your RP blog. There’s a reason for this. On your partner’s end, that’s less homework they have to do to interact with you. The more homework and reading your partner has to go through to interact with your character, the harder you’re making it for them. This is the main reason I turned down all the Blacklight Lore when making my OCs and try not to talk much about Claudia’s world/country. It’s not too relevant to  Claudia’s character, so I don’t bother. And on your end, the shorter/simpler your character profile is, the less you have to read when you look back at it for reference. If I can use an art example:

This is Claudia’s character sheet, it’s the main thing I use when I want to draw Claudia. I want to make a new one since I plan on updating her look and I honestly think this one is lacking in certain ways, but for now this is the current vision I have for Claudia. It’s pretty simple, giving a full body view of her, showing some key visual things like her expressive ahoge and various sizes/forms of her spear, and her armor. The only thing I’d really need is a back-view of her and some angles on her head, but this is it.

My about page has the same function as this character sheet, it’s a simple, overall look at how the character looks in terms of writing, a nice overview that shows her immediate personality traits, abilities, and background. It’s not everything, but not everything is needed to get her character. If you finish reading that about page and understand that Claudia is a tomboyish knight that likes fighting and wants to create a country that her family rules over then I think the profile has served its purpose. More details about Claudia can be learned as your character interacts with her. The only thing I think I should add to her profile is probably update her bio to explain that her small village is now a small duchy and slowly becoming a petty kingdom... meaning Claudia’s occupation will probably have to change from “Knight” to “Princess” soon... 

Huh. Princess Claudia... That’s a... terrifying thought now that I’m actually reading it.

Anyway, I made Claudia’s profile with the goal of most people being able to get a good idea of her character after two minutes of reading her profile. Honestly, I want to rework it to ease the reading process a bit better, but sentence structure and flow is another Rambling in itself.

But let me get more specific here...

Bio and Personality

Like I said before, I recommend keeping the bio and personality sections of your profile short and sweet. For bios, I’d say two-three paragraphs should be the most you have. One paragraph that covers their origins and one to two that covers their current situation. Or you can skip their origin and just get right to their current situation if it’s that important to their current situation to be detailed. I think most Wiki pages do this well, usually have a simple paragraph or two that gives a basic idea of the character before breaking into a much larger biography and personality section, but those things are hyper-detailed for the sake of recording.

For personality, I usually go with a list of adjectives describing the character, around 4 to 5 of their top personality traits. This makes them a little more flexible to write since I’m not tied down by a long spiel of detailed mannerisms, but a short paragraph works too.

The main reason I try to keep these parts short and simple is because the more detail you add, the more detail you have to adhere to. In terms of story writing, if you give me a big spiel about a characters powers right down to the smallest detail, I’m going to expect those details to come into play later, and in terms of RPing I’m going to assume you want me to play with those details or else you wouldn’t mention it.

A good example of this is @fragmentedsilhouette​‘s Amaeris. Her body gives off a cold veil that chills the immediate area around her. I try and play with that detail in a few ways, Claudia shivering around Amaeris, her mentioning how cold the room is whenever Ameris enters, and even in comedic ways like Claudia purposely trying stay close to Amaeris during hot days because she’s basically a walking AC at that point. It’s a detail that I try to keep in mind when Claudia interacts with her, and I try to do this for all the partners I write with, especially if it gives me an idea for a good plot.

Speaking of plotting...

Conflict and RPing

This is something I don’t think enough people keep in mind when making a character. Your character needs to able to create and move a plot in some way. Having a static character that’s trying to mind their own business really only works when they’re constantly bombarded by abnormal people and situations trying to create conflict in their life ala Haruhi or [ Insert Isekai Show Here ]. Otherwise, we just have a boring character with some powers and skills wandering around the world doing nothing. This is why Claudia tends to act antagonistic towards a lot of other characters. It’s not because she a complete dick (though she is kind of a dick), but because she needs to be able to create conflict for a plot to happen. That’s why 70% of her interactions are her saying some various of the phrase “FIGHT ME!” Not just because Claudia’s a fight-happy tomboy and Allen has a love of shounen and fight scenes (though that is a big reason), but because it creates an instant plot. Claudia trying to storm a village or pick a fight with some random mercenary is just an easy way to start a conflict that’s still in character for Claudia. I also have her plotting cheat sheet with several parts of her background that can play into a plot. It’s all to make it easier for my partner and I to come up with ideas. 

That’s the main thing, making sure your partner has an easy time getting a feel for your character and coming up with some basic plots/interactions. This also goes back to why you want to keep things simple, so its easier to think up a plot. Just to give a quick list of plots and interactions Claudia has had: 

A knight and mercenary who live very opposite lives become rivals and then lovers. 

A knight and ninja of noble rank become vitriolic friends after the knight constantly pesters and bullies the ninja. 

A witch fascinated by a knight’s demonic weapon constantly bugs and teases her, much to the knight’s chagrin.

Two knights of different ideologies often come to blows, one knight believing in servitude toward their liege, the other believe in servitude to one’s own goals and ambitions.

A knight constantly bothers a demon hunter to fight her, the demon hunter who is more mature and is holding back her demonic urges almost always refuses.

A knight wielding a demonic weapon and inquisitor wielding a holy weapon see the other as a scourge that must be eliminated.

A young, temperamental knight is constantly irritated by a long-lived elf warrior that continually beats her in fights.

That’s how I usually look at things when I see someone else profile. I try and think of an quick idea for their relationship and a plot, then I take it from there and see where it leads. It’s why I tend to lean toward a rival/enemy relationship since it creates the most conflict and plot. 

But moving on...

Adding Depth

Since I’ve been stressing simplicity for so long, I bet you’re wondering how I create character depth with a simple character. 

And that’s simple, I just add to the simplicity. 

Like I said, Claudia is a knight that likes fighting and is currently trying to create a kingdom. That can lead to a bunch of things. I could deconstruct her love of fighting into a twisted obsession that borders addiction. I could write about the specifics of her losing her humanity thanks to her demon spear. I could have her actually deal with the bureaucracy of running a kingdom (read her several times bitching about paperwork for example), I could play with her noble background and have her mistreat the lower class on the grounds that she just thinks little of them. The list goes on, but I think you get the point. I’ll tackle a few other points people mentioned too while I’m on the topic of depth.

Morality

So, morality is just a frame of mind. No single person is wholly good, nor are they pure evil, and everyone believes themselves the hero of their own story. Once you realize this you can really fluxuate a character’s morality so long as they think they’re in the right. 

When I made Claudia I had done a bit of research on knights in real life, and while Claudia fails on quite a few levels in terms of being a legit knight, I did keep in tack that most knights were mostly just nobles and soldiers that usually owned some land. Claudia and her family are ambitious nobles that want to form their own kingdom by conquering smaller lands. That’s a plausible thing, especially given how often people back then saw military leadership superior to most other forms of ruling since it was an immediate show of power. And while I haven’t decided exactly how Claudia’s family will rule their lands, I think the fact that they think their ambition is just due to the fact that they see it as a sort of moving up the social ladder helps give Claudia some grey in terms of her goals. 

Anyway, that’s how I view Claudia’s morality. She’s ambitious, and that ambition might make her an enemy to some, but she’s also kind to those that aren’t a target for her country... unless she feels like being a brat like with Kagero.

Powers

I’ll... try not to bitch about power levels here, but no promises. 

When I make a character’s powers I try to make sure that those powers either compliment or contrast with the character’s personality and/or character arc. Claudia’s demonic ability are meant to compliment the character arc of her wanting more power. This is both in terms of physical power and in the plot line of her family’s ambition of wanting more land and influence. It also compliments her personality of being a fight-happy tomboy by physically pushing her further toward becoming a battle-hungry demon, along with showing her resourcefulness in a fight by giving her weapon the ability to change forms.

To change the subject real quick, a group of old characters I had, the Falcon Knights, also fell into this idea. Raven, the lazy and sarcastic leader of the group, had powers that would do more damage to him than his enemies if he wasn’t careful, so he tended to rarely use them despite their destructive ability. This followed the same vein that he rarely acts like a proper leader despite his position, only doing so at critical moments. Tora’s ability to see the souls of people complimented her ability and habit of stating the blunt truth and being able to see people for what they were, at least by her perception. The list goes on, but that’s usually the goal. 

Now in terms of the powers themselves and their destructive ability, that’s secondary compared to the plot. Ultimately, my characters are as strong as they need to be for whatever arc or plot I have planned for them. This is why Claudia can hold her own against her hyper-powerful space alien girlfriend, but struggles against the 4′6″ inquisitor. Claudia and Syn are lovers and rivals that need to be on par with each other for the sake that their rivalry has weight, where as Nero is Claudia’s foil that can constantly best her because her dirty, mid-ranged way of fight hard-counters Claudia’s straightforward, ruthless way.

But moving on...

World Building

This is the last thing I wanted to cover, and I’ll be blunt about it. 

I’d be very careful about going into world building in terms of RPing. 

Like I said, a 5-page essay on this will just turn away your partners, especially on Tumblr. This site is not a forum RP, not everyone is going to adhere to your character’s world, nor should they given how fast partners come and go on this site. They’d be wasting their time trying to understand your character’s world if you just up and dropped the muse a month later because you couldn’t keep up with it. But if you really need the show that your character is from a different world and that actually plays into the character, then focus on what’s relevant to your character and what that means for anyone interacting with this. This does not mean a five-page essay on your character’s magic system and history, but just how they cast magic or how their world’s history effected them specifically. 

To be a bit more general, I tend to view world-building on Tumblr as malleable, as in I control my character’s world-building depending on who I follow. If I don’t want guns to be a part of Claudia’s world, then I just don’t follow characters that use guns. If I don’t want certain races to be a part of Claudia’s world, then I don’t follow them. I know that might sound a bit cruel, but that’s just so some points of immersion aren’t broken.

Now the world Claudia comes from that I made, Blacklight, is similar to the world of Elsword in terms of technology. You’ve got knights that wield swords, mages that use magic, archers that use bows and crossbows, but you also have people that use guns, gunblades, mobile canons that fire artillery shells, futuristic technology, and have actually, near-human android walking around, along with Gods, Goddesses, agents of those divine beings, and demons. Basically, anything can happen and no one questions it. There are some rules to this, most of which pertaining to power levels, but again I don’t want to go on a long rant about that. 

When I comes to this blog, my main focus in terms of world building and who I follow mostly extends to the level of power I’m willing to deal with. This is creeping into story-writing advice, but in a nutshell I’m already following enough people that are already at the ceiling of power in Claudia’s world, so anyone above that threshold isn’t getting a follow back from me, as I don’t want Claudia to be conscious of too many players in the higher tiers of power. The amount she knows of now is fine and isn’t breaking immersion, anymore would.

And... I think think I got everything I wanted to say out of the way, so... Yeah, that’ll be it from me. I’ll be heading out for a bit folks, drafting and editing this has made me rather tired, so I’ll see you all later.

[theprivacypolicy]

RIP, Bourdain. Good Morning, willpower.

    The first bit of information I received when I opened my eyes this morning was the news of Anthony Bourdain's death. By suicide. The second celebrity death this week. I was raised under the belief that death comes in threes. He is the third suicide I've heard of this week. A friend of mine watched a woman jump to her death on the L train platform hours after Kate Spades death was announced. He shared his experience 1 min later on Instagram stories.

    The death of Bourdain brings great sadness, as I and many others of my generation were fans of his. Details about this popularity, admiration and fandom are all probably pretty similar. He served the same to so many of us, I’d be an echo if I regaled right now. Something about a book and maybe steak and maybe an addiction. Everyone had a favorite Bourdain thing. Mine was mostly about food talk and human empathy. I’ll save that part for myself. Maybe I’ll share later. But here’s what shook me out of bed to send a text to my closest ex about the news. This depression thing. This depression thing is so real. We are watching so many things unfold in this new black mirror landscape, our ability to share information which travels great distances at great speed is something generations before us never had. Look how we are confronting it. Look at how we are using this medium.I took a screen shot of the article, shared the news on my Instagram stories with a caption “depression is serious you guys. Depression is very very real.” After witnessing the platform jumper, my friend shared his experience with a quick insta story, because I guess you get service on the Bedford platform. I probably would have done the same. My social news feed this morning is post after post of Bourdain, various homage and tribute. Earlier this week, pictures of Kate Spade bags and shoes. Who the fuck is this for? This post for you? So you feel good knowing that people know you read his book? You had a pair of her shoes?  “Check in on people”... oh word? Did you check in on anyone before you reframed that Instagram photo of your purse?

     Gross. I stay throwing shade at posts from “Friends” yet I see myself doing the same shit. If we are so quick to post and share and comment, make this connection, share an opinion, make judgement, claim a feeling, post a picture of yourself with the departed, why are we so slow to confront what we are really and truly saying? There’s always a reason behind these posts that go unshared. We are so falsely candid. Sometimes if feels like the more we post, the more transparent things become that everyone is full shit. What was I trying to say with my pre-coffee Instagram? What was so important to me that I needed to get that out in that medium at that moment? Pretty sure my post was a guise to say, “I know about depression, because I have clocked a lifetime of experience with that shit, and now you know.” So, instead of saying it in 40 characters or less, here is what I really wanted to say....

    The suicides this week are a “trigger” for me. I grew up in a house with a manic depressive bipolar single mother of 3 girls. I witnessed a lot at a young age. For 18 years, I had a front row seat to symptoms of depression I often mistook as “normal”, for lack of alternate lens. One of my earliest  memories was watching my mother try to slit her wrist AND jump off my 32nd fl terrace. At the same time. I pretended I was sleeping. I was watching through a crack in the blanket over my head while my sister calmed her down and removed the kitchen knife from her hand.  I remember that every time I use a knife that looks like the one she held. Her depression was real. Hours in bed, in a dark room with the TV flickering sitcoms, sometimes turned into days. Calls from my school checking in because I missed so many days in a row. She couldn’t muster the strength or energy to dress me and get me on the school bus. Once I understood her behavior as illness, I kept it a secret from my friends. My mother survived her depression and passed away, ultimately, from a viral illness. I don’t doubt that years of depression exhausted her immunity to fight the various illnesses and cancers she battled over her 54 years. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which came first, chicken or egg. And as frustrating and traumatic it was to be in the care of the mother who faced the challenges she faced, I found myself in awe of her willpower today. I struggle with reflecting on my relationship with my mother, but the death of Bourdain and Spade gave me some insight, and that, I am appreciative of.

This is about willpower.

    Here is the other kicker. I too have a relentless relationship with depression. Trauma is a hellofadrug, maaan. So when I’m out on these social media streets judging tweets, I’m not being a h8r. I kind of feel like I’m a part of a club today. Some of us looking at each other with a shared understanding. For pop culture sake: If you know, you know. On a text chain to a best friend on “the inside”, who truly knows me and my shit- I wrote on depression; “There’s like a clear identifiable line between the people who understand and the people who don’t and front like they understand. And then worse the ones who flap about “checking in with your friends” when you know damn well they don’t practice that shit.” I found refuge in his understanding my message. I find refuge in sharing my true feelings with him. He’s got the dark cloud sometimes, too. He gets it. He suggested I not let the social media voices get to me. Didn’t stop me from scrolling and getting fired up.

“OMG so sad! So surprising!”

Really though? Is it?

“He was so good at enjoying life”.  

No, he wasn’t. If he were, this wouldn’t have happened. Someone who is “good at enjoying life” looks at life and kills themselves in France is not good at enjoying life. Don’t put that on people. That’s a pressure. Being “good at enjoying life” is a broad fucking statement. It shouldn’t be a measure. I’m sure he wanted to be good at enjoying life, and maybe his projects were forms of therapy to get him though the days. But he wasn’t good at enjoying life. He faked it. And that’s ok, too. Coping mechanisms can really make a false impression. People are surprised? Honestly, I’m not surprised at ALL. Not one bit. Because depression is real. Being shocked that depression can bring someone to a deep dark place is a privilege I wish I had.

I’m so frustrated with the empathy struggle for those who do not experience depression. I once had a Christian friend of mine say he didn’t understand and has no sympathy for anyone who kills themselves. He shared he has never been depressed and doesn’t understand how anyone “gets that way” because he keeps life simple by not having high expectations of people. That must be nice. So many problematic things there. The good thing about not understanding anyone who kills themselves is that they dead. So they don’t care what you think and they likely didn’t want your sympathy anyway.

    This idea of expressing understanding of depression is so fragile. Either you understand from experience, and by proxy, reveal trauma. Or you don’t have an experience to borrow empathy from and are then risk alienating the effected. Or worse, you pretend to empathize because the “victim” was famous. Then, add social media to the mix (which we know is the worst already). RIP posts are a great example of toxic group think and narcissism. And I know, a lot of the RIP chatter is just personal coping. I love myself some personal public coping, clearly, this is proof. I guess my wish for us all, on any side of depression, is that we be more honest with ourselves about what we are trying to say when we post shit in times like these. What are we really trying to say? And to whom? And why?  Look friends, no tea no shade, I get it. Sometimes these purse pictures and “I own Kitchen Confidential” posts are simply, a show of respect, a modern twist on ceremony. Like wearing all black. I did my tribute part today, too. I’m wearing all white. ( I wear black all day every day). It’s for me really it’s not for anyone else.  My ceremonious acknowledgement of how valuable life is.  If social media has become a part of your ceremony, c'est la -modern- vie, I guess? I didn't sign up for this ride. But I am going to try and be gracious while on it. Consider this: the post you make about shock and sadness might alienate someone who could otherwise open up to you about their battle with depression. It is not always visible. Destigamtize it by being open to the understanding that this can happen to anyone at any time. No one is immune. Sure, post a number to a hotline, but consider that suggesting a “solution” or sharing advice on something you have zero experience with is not effective. Not for this one. We see through those. Is that post for us? Or just so people know you know how to “help” people? Have you done this? Don’t be embarrassed, I do it to. With shit like refugees and pipelines. But the refugees and Native Americans probably can’t see my armchair activism. Chances are, your depressed friend see’s these. Better thing? Answer their call. Send them a text. Don’t get upset if they don’t write back.

   On life, depressed or not, we get one. We should all check in with ourselves, at least twice a day. And check in with each other more often than we do, even the retreaters. Especially the retreaters. A classic symptom of depression is retreating. We should also be cognizant of when someone has struggled and has taken the right steps to better themselves. Support those initiatives. Be careful with the word crazy. Be careful with the word bipolar. Saying “get help” is as effective as wearing a safety pin to tell people they are “safe”.

    Les Halle's will be packed today, no doubt.  I have the urge to go there and have a martini, myself, a thing I would do there when I was 25 and feeling more optimistic about the world. Just kidding. It’s closed now. News to me. Whatever other foods and places and stops Bourdain swore by will be frequented, they’ll run out with whatever is the thing that he recommended. His favorite patisserie didn’t know this was going to happen today. The kitchen at his favorite spots didn’t expect that they’d run out (86?) the dish he insisted was a must have. The Friday rush was expected but I suspect orders in rapid excess today, because that’s how New Yorkers deal. In rapid excess. The shift will end and another will begin the next day. In the perpetual motion machine, many will be pausing in a moment for Bourdain today. Same here. RIP Bourdain. Thank you for your insight and knack for story telling. Most of all, thank you for reminding me that with struggle comes willpower. Your death pushed me to acknowledging willpower as a secret serum that kept the loved ones in the struggle around a little longer. Your death also gave me a chance to acknowledge that I have a bit of that secret serum, myself. Thank you for holding on to that serum for the time you did, and sharing your stories with us. You are appreciated.

    If you read this far and need someone to talk to, you can also google the help outlets and choose who you want to call. I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to do it. It doesn’t work like that. If you know me, you probably have my number, use that too if you want. A copy paste phone number isn’t going to convince you any more to remember willpower, which I urge you to remember. All these dead people had willpower. It’s just that they hit a real bad one. Try not to hit the bad one. Remember willpower, you’ve used it before. I have it and I know you have it too.

----------

But if you don't wanna google resources, here are some they sent to the entire office today. i usually align with their resources, they're decent people. 

suicidepreventionlifeline.org - Chat or call 1-800-273-8255, available 24/7

crisistextline.org - Text HOME to 741741 for 24/7 crisis support

seizetheawkward.org - Provides various resources such as tutorial videos, information on warning signs and conversation starters

[citygossip-blog1]

it’s your favorite bitches, @pixilated and @laprincessa here and ready to rock your world.  we don’t care if you read it or not, the rest of the world already has. 

The Red Carpet Review with @pixilated 

While some went unnoticed (I can’t tell if those were intentional or not), there were definitely some looks. With every celeb on the red carpet dying to make an impression, some unfortunately are destined to miss the mark-- the Carrington’s Gala was no exception. Now, I present to you last weekend’s best and worst dressed.

WORST: Sarah Park

No one would disagree with us when we say that Sarah looked like absolute literal trash, and sweetie, she can’t even challenge us on this one. We get it, you love the environment. Showing up to the red carpet in a dress made of trash was a power move, Ms. Park. There’s something fishy about this whole demonstration, but I’ll let @laprincessa tell you all about that. This dress didn’t even last the whole night, so structurally it was not sound. We applaud you for having the balls for wearing this as your red carpet look, I don’t think anyone else could have pulled it off.

BEST: Tyler Henry

Not a big surprise here, with all the money this girl has we expected nothing less. We’re almost positive that this dress costs less than the rock on her finger anyways. Henry also wore a stunning shade of green with her tiff toward Ms. Duffy and quite possibly a slightly different shade of green later that night due to her consumption of champagne-- eight or nine glasses would definitely make me sick. Thankfully for Ms. Henry, pink and green are complementary colors, so there’s no need to call the fashion police on this one.

WORST: Drew Koenig

*Yawn* Guess we should have seen this one coming considering the Koenig’s past with their money loss, maybe they are just trying to be more fiscally responsible, who knows. However, we know some better ways to be fiscally responsible-- especially for an underwear model. Showing up in #hiscalvins would have been a look, but instead we’re left with this lackluster appearance.

BEST: Willa Duffy

Time and again, Willa Duffy does not fail to impress-- it’s no wonder she’s continuously at the top of everyone’s radar. She dazzled everyone at the gala with this blue and gold number, Ms. Duffy you truly looked like a princess. Flora and Merryweather probably fought less than @laprincessa and I did on who was best dressed -- pink or blue! We just couldn’t settle on Ms. Duffy or Ms. Henry for the title, we’ll let them settle that in their own time, we just wanted to add a little more fuel to the fire between those two.

WORST: Charlie Carrington

Oh Carrington, it seems like a cop out to just get a handkerchief to match your girl. Maybe Ms. Henry was too indecisive about her look that you settled for something simple. Your name wasn’t even on the invitation, little Charlie, and your suit didn’t make you standout either.

@laprincessa: Que decepción, I honestly expected more of you Carrington, especialmente cuando your fiance is a fashion icon, tsk tsk communication is key darlings!  Let me take this time to express my utter disappointment with men in high society always showing up in the same old somber tones, in the same old boring suits. The fashion world is always moving forward and you have the money to really show up and represent. Explore with colors, patterns and textures! Floral is not just for the ladies, gentlemen-- the more vibrant the color the more impressive you stand out. Stop boring me to tears with the same old suit and tie.

BEST: Jared Caldwell

That brings me to the best dressed guy, which goes to New Money Caldwell. Let me just fangirl about this this man for a second, can you tell that I just absolutely love him. Sure no one really knows who he is and he’s just a nerdy guy who made the hottest app, but if he ghosted me I would be heartbroken. I can see why Martha was all over this man, look at that t e x t u r e. Boys, you need to take a few notes in your book from him. THIS is how you rock a gala look.  

WORST: Victoria Sparks

There’s nothing awful about this look, in fact the only one who really swung and missed was Ms. Park, but there’s nothing that really stands out either. I think we were all on the edge of our seats to see if your date would be your mother. I wonder if you’re feeling well, with your dreamy, far-off look and your nose stuck in a book-- what a puzzle to the rest of us is well, Ms. Sparks. I should have expected this from New York’s Sweetheart who has been flying under the radar, but we’re dying to know why your personality is still missing when you are back in the big apple with mommy dearest.

BEST: Juniper Winslow

Such a classic look from Ms. Winslow, it brings me back to the Juni: Princess of the Galaxy days! You really were a star. Thank goodness you didn’t have a fashion disaster tonight, but it’s such a shame your ex-mans was at the gala too. You really seemed on edge, Juni. The class the dress brought definitely compensated for the mess that followed.

BEST: Sarah Park

Hats off to you Ms. Park for not only receiving worst dressed, but also receiving the best dressed. While it wasn’t your red carpet look, you definitely turned some heads with this one too. Your transition from the trash in our ocean to your sandy sparkly look was not only touching, but inspiring. Congrats from your two faves-- oh and tell your bestie that #TimesUp on the fashion trend she tried to bring to the gala.

No Me Digas! con @laprincessa

Now you all know we love our fashion opinions, but what we thirst is more than what our fellow socialites were wearing. We thirst for the knowledge of what they are doing and subsequently hiding. Good thing is... we know all, we see all and my, my, my! What juicy content do we have to share.

While so many of you flew under the radar, stuck to the walls or hidden in the corners, some of you truly saved this gala from being a total snoozefest. I for one, was ready to post some secrets just to have a reaction from all those in attendance, but early on it was easy to spot that things were bound to get interesting.

Let me start with the ever so fabulous Tyler Henry. Mija, you were a total mess. The woman who has everything-- the wealth, good genes, the rock on her finger with the handsome man at her side-- started guzzling down champagne like it was water. What could possibly warrant Ms. Henry to act impulsively on the night of her soon-to-be family’s gala?  My sources say that daddy dearest broke a promise and the Henry’s wholesome family unit was minus one. The night just kept getting better as Ms. Henry decided to up the ante and get into not one but two major confrontations.

The First: #theAutocrat vs #theVisionary

While we agree that Ms. Sarah Park was a total eyesore in that, for lack of a better term-- trashy dress, was it really necessary to ruin it? Now before all you Tyler-stans get all defensive here are the facts. The two ladies were spotted having a quarrel, it wouldn’t surprise me if the camera crew got all the juicy details of what was said. All I know is that the back-and-forth reached the point where Ms. Henry was seen pulling in the Carrington’s guest speaker real close, and not for the steamy reasons we’re all hoping for,  and as Ms. Park pulled away... oops! Her dress was falling apart and Tyler was left with plastic in her hands. Seems pretty incriminating to me. In the end I feel like I should thank Tyler, Sarah was forced to change and I ended up getting a delectable view of her banging body.   

@pixilated: Hey! #TeamTyler over here and I wouldn’t say that miss-horny-for-change can get away without pointing a few fingers at her. No one would believe it, but rumor has it Ms. Park could have had a few tricks up her sleeve and wanted Ms. Henry to rip her dress all along. Hell, I’d want that dis-gus-ting thing off of me too. Tyler did warn her never to call her by that godforsaken nickname. Seems like she was set-up to have the perfect alibi, but that’s just my cup of tea.

Since @pixilated has already revealed herself to be in #TeamTyler I guess I can go ahead and reveal that while I’m not on any teams yet,  I do have a soft spot for Sarah Park. She had the guts to embarrass herself in front of all the who’s who of New York because her love of activism ran stronger than the need to look good. She’s constantly using her privilege for the greater good and I can’t help but admire that. Not even a wardrobe malfunction could slow her down. Ms. Park was right on time to perform her speech and the outpouring of support confirmed what we all know, this girl is on fire. Was it just me or did any of you notice how her speech even used her dress falling apart to her advantage? Ms. Park is one smart cookie, good thing she seems like she wants to help the world and not ruin it. And as Selena Gomez always said, “everything is not what it seems.” *queue theme song here*

The Second: #theAutocrat vs #theModel

You’d think I would be so over the drama between these two, but I can’t help it! They are my guilty pleasure and they always indulge me. I wonder whatever compelled Tyler Henry to approach Willa Duffy in the first place? Was Willa enchanting too many guests? Was she taking too much of the spotlight? Or was it because Willa was looking a little too cute laughing up a storm with Charles Carrington himself? Whatever the reason was, Ms. Henry was seven drinks too many in and confronting Willa Duffy in front of the whole gala!! Scandalous! I know I felt a shiver of excitement when I saw that showdown happening. These queens of New York were both so formidable with their consistent, calculated clapbacks, but it was apparent that the Queen Bee, Ms. Henry, stung Ms. Duffy one too many times. It's amazing to imagine how they could rule the whole city if they only joined forces once again. I know, I know, never gonna happen! It's the dreamer in me I can’t help it. Anyways, much like Tyler’s first confrontation, Willa left the scene first and while in many instances that would be a win. Is it really a win to act like a drunken fool in front of all your fiance’s family and esteemed guests? So who’s the real winner here? We are of course! We would like to thank Charlie for quite literally making the whole Tyler drama sweeter by removing her from the premise to grab a scoop to forget her stand-up dad.

So much time spent on Ms. Henry it’s safe to say she’s our Scandal of the Week. But there are so many who also caught our interest never fear!

Ms. Duffy where is your shadow? Consider us shocked at not seeing the Duffy twins attached at the hip. We know he was there or did he bail out before the party even got started? Perhaps it’s a good thing, we can’t imagine you would have charmed as many guests with your demon of a brother at your side.

Drew Koenig, your foolish, misogynistic attempts to win over Bella De La Rosa Lopez did not go unnoticed. You might like your women like you like your drinks, “sweet and a little spicy,” but I’ve heard Bella likes her men how most people like their wine. Luck for us, Ms. De La Rosa ended her night dancing with Ms. Duffy and not with the likes of you.

@pixilated: Some advice for Charlie Carrington, if you want people to respect your relationship with Tyler Henry, you best not be seen chatting it up and getting comfortable with her sworn enemy. Maybe he’s just trying to keep their enemies close.

My girl here has a point, we’ve been told that the Duffy’s and the Carrington’s have been friends for years but there is such a thing as loyalty to your loved one no? On the other hand there is something so cute seeing two friends laughing up a storm. The real truth here is that I’m a messy bitch and I live for this drama.

@pixilated: And one final word to the wise-- the Marthas of the world better throw caution to the wind and watch their back, I’m tryna steal your mans <3

I don’t know pixie, Jared seems pretty enamored with the one, the only, Willa Duffy, are the Marthas of the world the real threat here?

@pixilated: I don’t care who you are, if you have heart eyes for Jared Caldwell, I suggest wearing shades so I can’t pick you out of a crowd.

This concludes our honest review. If you didn’t see yourself mentioned don’t get comfortable, either you didn’t do anything worthy of a mention which *yawn* or we’re biding our time to comment on all the messy things you do. Both options make me want to spill all your deep dark secrets but my partner says waiting is key to ultimate satisfaction.

Until next time, 

xoxo

[marcythewerewolf]

Quick Kierarktina fic inspired by @princekierz post about them getting older. I’ve touched on this theme before, but it’s fun to explore!

Kieran stuck to the shadows of the their booth, unnoticed by servers and other patrons alike. Gently, he prodded his eldest daughter, who was engrossed in whatever exciting mundane things were flickering on her glasses. 

“Where are the bees?” he asked, “Apples, I can smell a few of, but bees seem few and far between. It is a misleading name.”

Araceli sighed the deeply disappointed sigh of a fourteen year old confronted once again by the fact that her parents were embarrassing. It was a small sorrow, but one that struck her to the heart every time. Honestly, Kieran was glad he hadn’t acted this way at her age. Gwyn never would have let him get away with it. 

“It’s a mundane thing, t’Ada, you wouldn’t understand it,” she told him, with a weary shake of her head, before retreating back into the open arms of technology. Kids these days. 

Since it seemed to be a night for iron and steel, Kieran moved across the sticky pleather of the bench and started prodding the device at the far end of the table, which, Mark and Cristina always assured him, would order their food for them. 

Sure enough, whenever they went to mundane restaurants, the food did usually arrive, so Kieran was ready to trust whatever strange witchcraft they knew which he didn’t. He could do actual magic, he let them have the fake replacement of metal. 

Family nights out were bad enough without having to confront actual servers. Mundanes got so difficult, and they never quite knew how to deal with Kieran. (Cristina insisted he didn’t know how to deal with them, but no, that couldn’t be right.)

Lights flickered on the display, mortal text moving to fast for even Kieran’s knack for tongues to follow, and the heat of it burned his hands. Even buried under layers of plastic, he could feel the iron lurking there and he fancied it could sense him too. 

“You’re going to break it,” Araceli warned, barely glancing up from thin air. 

“Nonsense,” Kieran said, even as it began to sputter under his finger tips. Drat. The magic of the fair folk didn’t mix well with fragile electronics, and sometimes he forgot how much of it he had these days. At some point, Kieran Kingson had grown up. They all had, and they had the clinging brats (beloved though they were) to prove it. 

Cristina came back first, with Antonio slightly cleaned up and wrapped in her sweater. The boy seemed to have moved on from swimming to dumping everything he came across down his shirt. It wasn’t his fault he was clumsy on land, but sometimes Kieran felt it might be his. Did nixie blood skip a generation? Out of some measure of misplaced guilt, the not insignificant desire to keep Cristina from being too mad at him, and the much more pressing need to protect Antonio from his bully of a big sister, Kieran patted the seat next to him and smiled when Antonio clambered over, followed quickly by his mother. Trapped two deep in this mundane hell was almost claustrophobic, the presence of his family made it tolerable. 

Cristina tapped futilely at the now erratically flickering screen and then grimaced. “He did it,” Araceli offered helpfully, not even bothering to nod to Kieran. There was only one ‘he’ who it could be. 

Kieran strove to look above it all. Once, that had been easy. Usually it still was easy, but mundane places threw him off guard. Cristina like this, soft lines around her mouth, chipped nails, hair greying into finest silver under the abominable golden lighting; she threw him off. 

“I’ll go find a server,” she said, and leaned down to kiss him as she left. Kieran ran his fingers through the fine hair on the back of her neck and breathed in her scent, soft citrus and a hint of Antonio’s spilled apple juice. 

When he came up for air, Araceli had detached herself from ‘web’ (whatever that was) and was staring at them. No, Kieran corrected himself, staring past them. He followed her gaze to the table oblique to them, where an elderly woman was looking mildly scandalized. An echo of youthful rebellion surged in Kieran’s chest, bringing back memories of the Clave and disapproval and wars. Some were even recent, though they had tried to shelter the children from the worst of the nastiness. 

You could never fully succeed at something like that, he reflected, as he saw the hurt in Araceli’s eyes. “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” she whispered, drawing her brother’s attention now as well. 

Kieran looked at her steadily. “No electronics at the dinner table,” he said finally, “You know that’s a rule.”

It served the intended purpose of distracting her, with the minor side effect of starting an argument which Kieran didn’t manage to win until Mark returned, bringing Aine and another dose of parental authority. (Heaven and earth, they were all so terrible at this. Even waiting a few years, far longer than Shadowhunters usually did to have children, hadn’t helped much. Sometimes Kieran felt like they were flying by flapping their arms very fast. Sometimes he suspected all the other parents were as well.)

“It is a rule,” Mark opined, plopping a changed Aine (their children being apparently incapable of going five minutes without either spitting up, or dropping something on themselves, or otherwise needing immediate hygienic intervention) down on the bench next to Araceli. “And it does count in restaurants. You can talk to your friends when we get home.”

“Home doesn’t have wi-fi!” Araceli pointed out, with the desperate air of someone making a very important point. She might have been, for all Kieran knew. “Because we live in a forest or in the dark ages or another dimension or something-”

“It’s just for a while, you know that-”

“I like our new house,” Antonio said as if that settled the matter, and smiled up at Kieran guilelessly. His heart melted, until he realized the boy had managed to get his hands on another juice box already, and was poking at it furiously like that hadn’t been the cause of the first disaster. 

Mark was just as quick on the uptake, “Tony, give that here...” he began, holding out a hand for the juicebox. Araceli had already palmed something else mundane and bright and probably under the heading of technology. Kieran, slipped under the table and over to her side, blocked a curious Aine from and moved to scold her in one smooth motion. 

All the wars in the world couldn’t prepare you for this. 

It seemed like hours before Cristina came back, serving staff in tow, though in reality it was probably only a few frantic minutes. 

Mark was trying to interest Araceli in a game of something called hangman, which was much less bloody than it seemed, except he’d forgotten most of the rules and she was being surly. Kieran had his other two children gathered around him and was listening to Antonio and Aine talk while he stroked her fine, dark, toddler hair. Ears, just pointed enough to need a glamour, unlike her siblings’ dubiously human ones, poked out from underneath it. Already, she seemed made of too many odd parts. Too big ears, too long limbs, Mark’s bright sea eyes and Kieran’s stormy hair. Less changeable, a little more shadowhunter- angel blood was so reliably dominant- but still a little too faerie. 

Just like him. 

Their neighbours across the way, the nosy old biddy and a younger couple, were still staring and whispering. He wasn’t sure why. Was a father not allowed to spend time with his children?

He glared at them as Cristina introduced the serving man (his name was also Mark, which seemed entirely unconscionable. Humans needed to find a sense of originality.) Mark apologized for the useless hunk of plastic at the end of the table, and then started taking drink orders. Antonio’s request for grape juice was toned down to a less stain-prone milk, Araceli was grudgingly allowed a soda, and Kieran took it upon himself to be the grownup and asked for wine. 

“A significant amount of it.”

Mark the servant blinked at him, a look of confusion quickly replaced with smooth control, “Do you have an ID, um, sir?”

Cristina and Mark already had the looks on their faces that meant they were rapidly going into damage control mode. Kieran trusted them with that, so he forged ahead. “No?”

Their server looked pained, “Well you, uh, you do need one of those.”

“Sorry,” Cristina said quickly, “He’s European, and I think he left his passport at home tonight. Can I have a bottle of wine? Please?”

“Yes,” the server said, pivoting with relief to face her, “But I’m afraid you can’t share it with your friend. House rules, we have to assume you’re underage until proven otherwise.”

Most of the words in this conversation were flying over Kieran’s head, but one detail stuck out, and he had mostly made it in politics by taking little details and dragging them to death. “You didn’t ask her for an eye-dee,” he said, in a tone of flat accusation. He didn’t add ‘You cur.’

“Yes... but you’re...” Mark the server floundered. 

“What he means to say is that Mom looks like an old lady and you look like a model who escaped from a ren faire, Dad,” Araceli snapped, “Now can we order? I want a vegetarian burger with the works and chili-mashed potatoes.”

There was a sort of sullen silence, different from the usual sullen silences, from Araceli while their food arrived. Kieran knew the many shades of sulking, and knew this was the amalgam of terror and pride and disappointment which came with saying something you’d been thinking for a long time, to only a moderate response. For her sake, he tried to think up a reply, in between stolen sips of Mark’s wine. 

It tasted better with his breath on the rim of the glass, but Kieran couldn’t help but resent not being allowed his own. He was an adult, a father, a prince, a diplomat. A lack of simple mortal legal documentation shouldn’t prevent him from getting moderately drunk at a family dinner. 

Mark, always attuned to his heart, squeezed his hand under the table and whispered, “Sorry, we should have glamoured you. You know mundanes.”

Kieran leaned into the gesture and smiled back, but kept silent, not in the least because Aine was trying to hand feed him bits of mozzarella stick. 

When Mark and Cristina kissed over Mark’s salad, he resisted the urge to join them. They soft and warm and beautiful and his, and that was enough, and besides, Araceli was groaning loudly enough already. 

After dinner, with the younger children secure with their parents (their Shadowhunter parents, their legal parents as far as the Clave was concerned) in the car, he waited with Araceli to give Mark their check. He had been reassured the credit card process was quite simple, even he couldn’t mess it up, and if it wasn’t, he had some suitable gold coins on him. 

Araceli was looking at him funny, and he realized he was staring at her, trying to put his thoughts into words. Perhaps mistaking his concern, she said “Don’t t’Ada, it’ll work.”

“I know it will,” Kieran said, a little annoyed, “I’m not a child, no matter what you might think, little star.”

He held back from ruffling her hair, aware of her new, prickly boundaries, and she shrugged a sort of acknowledgement of this. “I know. It’s just... you’re very young looking sometimes. Like when people ask if you’re my old brother, and not my father, or when people see Aine and think you must be my step-dad instead. It gets annoying.”

“It is flattering,” Kieran pointed out, “You have excellent blood.”

Faerie parentage didn’t mean slower aging, but it didn’t hurt. Mark showed the years less than Cristina did, and Kieran was almost unchanged. Helen Blackthorn had settled into a kind of stable permanent flawless fifty, silvery gold and shining. It was vain, but Kieran could rest a little easier knowing that even if he did outlive his children, they would look excellent as they aged. 

(And that was if he didn’t manage to steal them away to faerie permanently. The technology fixation was a minor bump in the road, but Kieran would work on it.)

“Maybe for you,” Araceli mumbled, “It’s just... it gets weird, okay.”

“We are weird,” Kieran pointed out, “Even by the standards of the fae, even by the standards of the angels. Certainly by the standards of the mundanes. And that’s hard, I won’t pretend it isn’t. Part of the reason we thought so long and hard before we had you was because we knew it would be a life both strange and merry. You can hate us for that, if you want, though I’d prefer if you were a bit older before you came to any final conclusions on it. But one bad dinner at an Apple-sans-bees does not a family ruin, does it? It does not erase the love I have for your mother or for Mark, a love that only grows the older they get. It does not erase the love I have for you and your younger brother and sister.”

She knew he couldn’t lie. She used it every day to her own advantage. Now she smiled. 

“Please don’t talk about being into mom and dad being super old. But yeah, I guess.”

“Wonderful. Now, let’s forge your father’s signature, shall we?” Kieran said, too loudly. 

Needless to say, they got kicked out of the Applebees. 

[essayofthoughts]

For the headcanons: Wanda, Pietro, Clint, and Natasha! (because I'm predictable af and also i want to see what different ones we come up with for the twins! :D

send me a character and i’ll tell you:

Wanda Maximoff

1. 2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

I can’t say exactly? But probably something like Ammunition by Aviators, a song about protests and how, when you have no weapons, you are the weapon, the ammunition against those who would oppress you. The song is in English, so I imagine Wanda has a similar song in Sokovian.

… Okay, I may just give in and be Aviators trash, because my next two suggestions of things that Wanda might have on her iPod are again, things like Aviators songs. Namely, Bulletproof, the importance of ideals and continuing those in the face of those who would crush you down, because you might fight and you might die, but the ideas and ideals you’re fighting for, the desire for freedom and for justice you yearn for is something bulletproof, that cannot be killed.

The next one is for after the experiments, Aviators’ We Are Not Machines, a rising denial in the face of someone trying to turn you into a tool, a refusal to be what someone else makes you - not a weapon in their hands, but a weapon in your own hands, of your own choices and not some simple input-output  machine - for you are a person, not a machine. I imagine that a song like this would also gain additional meaning to Wanda on meeting Ultron and on meeting Vision - Ultron who is constantly fighting against what he was made to be and in doing so, allowing that to shape him, and Vision, who knows how he was made and what he was made to be and yet is simply… not. Is simply his own. Is, because of all of this, not a machine.

Last song… hmm. IAMX, My Secret Friend. U will understand Nell. U will understand.

2. the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Less, “Not supposed to” and more “others frown at it”, Wanda often falls asleep against her brother, sitting beside Pietro and just tilting her head to his shoulder and sleeping, or after nightmares when he comes to see if she’s ok, falling asleep in the comfort of a hug.

After he’s gone, Wanda falls asleep in the shower, the warm water and the noise dulling the grief of her mind and giving the illusion of a warm presence. Vision finds her like this, some late evenings.

3. the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Truth or Dare or Never Have I Ever

Wanda has no fear because Pietro has always been there to protect her, and even when he isn’t anymore the lingering strength and certainty it gives her, the fact she has had that strength to fall back on all her life and yet often tried not to in order to keep Pietro safe and well means she has a confidence in-and-of herself that means she’s unafraid of a lot. Also, living on the streets kind of means she takes a practical view of a lot of things.

And then for the truth aspects - Wanda can tell when people are telling the truth with her powers and I imagine that even before the powers she had a knack for reading people and understanding them in a way Pietro always lacked. In turn, I imagine Wanda has a knack for telling almost-truths, that are truth enough that people will take them as truth, but that allow her to hide things she doesn’t want to talk about extensively.

This would make her rather hard to provide counselling for, I fear, as well as the fact that I don’t think she’d trust anyone enough to talk about even the least of her issues with.

4. the emoticon they’d use most often

That depends on who she’s messaging and when. Usually it’s just “frownyface” but Stark occasionally gets a middle finger emoticon (and if one doesn’t exist I would point out that with the Avengers she’d probably use a Starkphone and if Tony Stark designed it then it 100% has a middle finger emoticon. Because Tony Stark Would).

5. what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

If just “without sleep” then quietly grumpy, somewhat bitchy (very bitchy, according to Pietro but he thinks it’s amusing) eventually tapering off to just conking out wherever is comfortable enough.

If caffeinated and sleepless: very very giggly, Laughing at the oddest jokes the weirdest puns and also things that are not jokes or puns but that are, to her sleep-deprived brain, very amusing.

6. their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Tea. Herbal tea, black tea, green tea. She uses chamomile, mint and lavender for headaches, spiced black tea with a lot of milk to wake up, green tea when she needs to think. She’ll drink coffee if she has to, for the sake of pure biting caffeine and also because the taste is so foul it always wakes her (no matter how much sugar she adds and she finds this infuriating), but her fallback is always tea.

7. how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Before the events of AOU she’d curl up beside Pietro and talk to him about whatever it is happens to be niggling inside her brain, whatever is worrying her and making her doubt and loose sight of their goals and Pietro would pull her from it and pull her into a hug and possibly go off and “find” her some chocolate (whether he found it or stole it depends on how much money they had at the time and how much he cared about “stealing will get you killed Pietro”. The worse off Wanda seemed the less he cared about the latter).

After the events of AOU, she curls up in her room or in her chair or at the bottom of the shower and tries not to get lost in the twisting grieving paths of her own mind. Sometimes Vision finds her and says something so wholly unexpected it makes her laugh and consider and pulls her from it. Other times Steve alerts Clint who proceeds to drop by and go “right, come on, holiday time. The kids are begging me for a barbecue and no one knows how to make that sauce for the lamb skewers like you do” and drag her off to the farm. Lila and Coop and little Nathaniel Pietro Barton pull her from her slump more quickly than anything.

8. what they wanted to be when they grew up

Free. Safe. Well. Secure. With Pietro. With their vengeance completed. In Sokovia.

And now Sokovia’s capital is a hole in the ground because of her actions, their vengeance has been shed in the face of a bigger threat, Pietro is gone, and any hopes of safety and security and freedom and wellbeing were stolen from her with the Accords and the Raft.

9. their favorite kind of weather

When you are high up enough in the mountains, or ringed by them, the sky can be clear and yet you are shaded, and though it is sunny it is softly cool.

When the weather is this mess of contradictions it reminds her of Sokovia, of Novi Grad, of home, and sometimes she needs that.

10. thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

She can sing and sings softly, she sang lullabies on those rare occasions Pietro had nightmares and woke her, she sings lullabies to Lila and to Cooper and to Nathaniel Pietro Barton when he is fractious, and she sings them in soft Sokovian, so softly that only Vision can really hear all of the words.

She can sing louder, but too often she has had to sing quietly unless she be found by those who would do her harm. 

11. how/what they like to draw or doodle

Wanda can’t draw much. Oddly enough Pietro can, and after his death, Wanda doesn’t dare try for the rising, grieving memories of her brother.

Pietro Maximoff

1. 2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

So uhh… I’m gonna give in and pick Aviators songs like songs Pietro would have liked if they were in Sokovian.

First of all, Lowborn by Aviators - the hope of rising against impossible odds, of even those at the bottom finally getting recognition and all that they have earned. I mean. “Honor means nothing when war is unfair/ We’ve come here to battle and return to nowhere” and “I’ve nothing to lose, with no debts left to pay” and “The gods have not listened /Though prayers turned to cold-blooded screams” and “Vengeance igniting the fire in my blood” I mean. Goddamn Aviators.

In many ways, Pietro is the more cynical of the twins - he’s had to be, to keep Wanda safe, and so the next song is Aviators’ Welcome to Paradise, which has a lovely thread of “oh, you thought there was hope here?” throughout. I mean. “A wishful thought won’t take you far/ When hell on earth is where you are”and “Our lives are on the line/ In ruins we strive/ We’ll never thrive/ Without the will to survive”. Goddamn Aviators.

Next, This Means War by Aviators. Which is a song they wrote specifically for AOU. I am horrendously predictable. The song is a rush of fighting and having to fight and “a world worth fighting for” and my gods. It’s Pietro racing and the entire Battle of Novi Grad. 

Lastly, Diamonds and Guns by The Transplants. I don’t know why, but this song has always felt rather Pietro to me.

2. the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Um. Pietro is a hard case to judge because well… Look do you honestly think he’s going to sleep if he has to watch over Wanda. He sleeps when exhausted or when Wanda makes him, so the place he falls asleep when he’s not supposed to is like for half an hour outside the backdoors of the Bakers and the Butchers who he runs deliveries for. The managers open the door and hear a thump as Pietro falls over because the door is gone.

3. the game they’d destroy everyone else at

It. Obviously. Even before his powers he was fast, and with his powers he is uncatchable. And, with his speed, he can search and find you in a fraction of the time it would take you to find him and once you’re it good luck catching him. Your best bet is waiting for him to fall asleep and we all know how he is about that ^^.

4. the emoticon they’d use most often

In Sokovia he never really had a phone and so had no use for them. Then he died. 

If he was still around, however, probably the built in “middle finger” emoticon that all Starkphones come with as standard. That said, he does make use of that one Japanese emoticon - ✿＼(｡-_-｡) (“i got your flower”) - whenever Wanda wants to go and fight someone. It is saved in his phone for regular use.

5. what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

He never has enough sleep. He sleeps in fits and starts and has done this for so long that he’s functional. The question is What does he act like when he has had enough sleep.

The answer? Like a… mostly normal person, actually. Not reckless, not (quite) as ADHD. I say mostly, however, because he won’t have had enough sleep for long - his dedication to Wanda’s safety makes sure of that.

6. their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Not a hot drink! Pietro prefers orange juice, no matter what. He does exercise when he wants to warm up, as he always has the energy for it.

7. how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Pietro is rarely in a slump; he has his focus on keeping Wanda safe and so he subsumes just about everything to this one purpose, no slump lasts long when he has the eternal focus of making sure Wanda is safe, that they have enough food and a place to sleep that night, and can get to their jobs in the morning and survive each protest with minimal police brutality.

The only time Pietro is in a slump is when he fails to protect Wanda, and that rapidly turns into guilt and a desire for vengeance (“I’ll kill him”) which is only tempered by Wanda (“No, no, I’m all right. I want to finish the job.”) who is the only one who can redirect him when he’s like this.

Pietro comforts himself by taking care of Wanda.

8. what they wanted to be when they grew up

Safe, Happy, with Wanda and with their vengeance completed. In Sokovia.

He dies before he can see any part of this, and gives up on vengeance in the doing so.

9. their favorite kind of weather

Rain. While Wanda likes the bright-shade sunny-cool of the mountains, Pietro likes the rain and the snow, but mostly rain because he finds it so so refreshing.

Also it makes Wanda laugh when he shakes his hair to try to get the worst of the water out.

10. thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

He can sing, but only does so for Wanda. Mostly old Sokovian lullabies.

11. how/what they like to draw or doodle

Draws kind of mechanically - not for artistic reasons but so he can have a visual representation of something. While Pietro’s memory is fantastic, he trusts Wanda’s recollection of things more than his own because Wanda will read things in the behaviours of other people that he’ll miss. So, instead, he draws out scenarios and situations from memory so Wanda can name the ones they know and tell him what each was thinking and who they’ll need to be wary of. He also draws the faces of the people who attack them and burn down the flats they stay it, so the twins can track them down, and do the same to them.

Fair’s fair, after all.

Clint Barton

1. 2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Right. Okay.

Love To Hate You by Erasure, because of course. Every time he and Natasha have any kind of disagreement when on a job with SHIELD he’d start playing it at full volume. To which Natasha would respond “ITS NOT SAFE HOUSE IF THEY CAN HEAR US THREE BLOCKS AWAY CLINT”.

All the same, its their theme song, because they are one another’s dearest friends (and possibly have been lovers at some point maybe I don’t know) and also they sometimes hate each other, mostly for being right.

They’re Taking The Hobbits To Isengard. I don’t care if this is a meme, you cannot tell me that Coulson or Fury or Natasha didn’t play this at him at full volume (I mean. He is hard-of-hearing) at some point.

Probably the ten hour version, to be honest. Clint thought it was jammin’ and now will sometimes be found singing it under his breath.

2. the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

In the Quinjet. At the controls of the Quinjet. This is why he almost always pilots with Natasha.

He may or may not have also fallen asleep on stakeout at least once.

3. the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Darts. Obviously.

4. the emoticon they’d use most often

I don’t care if they’re not real emoticons, he’d probably have a Starkphone and his favourite emoticons would be a high five one and fingerguns.

5. what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Trying not to nod off. Unless he’s had caffeine pills, in which case he’s trying to stay still. When dealing with a baby at home, Laura has vetoed the use of caffeine pills and so, instead, he makes do with very very very big cups of frankencoffee.

6. their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Coffee. Specifically, frankencoffee, aka, “so what happens if I have this coffee and this coffee and then also some chocolate and some cinnamon and oh is that butterscotch syrup, yeah, sure, and oooh, Laura won’t mind me borrowing half a bottle of peppermint essence and oh look we also have orange extract-” until he has a pint mug of the most unholy thing you could ever drink.

And I say this as someone who created coffeetea for all-nighter essay writing.

7. how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Spends time with Laura and the kids, and sometimes takes the kids out to a paddock where she shows them how to shoot. They’re getting almost as good at him at regular archery, but he dreads what Laura will say if he starts them on trick shots too young.

What he doesn’t know is that Lila and Cooper are already practising trick shots, just without him around.

8. what they wanted to be when they grew up

“not arrested” I think is the closest. Then he was arrested, and Coulson said, “so, hey, would you like a job?” and then he was SHIELD, and though he got arrested many times after that they always got him out.

… though after he brought Natasha in Coulson did leave him to stew in a cell for almost two days before going to fetch him. But Clint thinks that’s fair payback for bringing in a possibly-evil opposing agent when tasked with killing her.

9. their favorite kind of weather

Sunny, clear, not too windy. He can hear more easily and he can see for miles, which really helps with his archery.

10. thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Clint can… kind of sing? Laura calls it a “warble”, mostly to tease him about the bird thing. He mostly sings to their kids, though he has been known to serenade Laura on occasion.

11. how/what they like to draw or doodle

Angles for shots when he’s got to stakeout and snipe.

Natasha Romanoff

1. 2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Tachikovsky’s 1812 Overture. Because cannons and also Russian. In The Hall Of The Mountain King because she kinda likes the ominousness.

I Knew You Were Trouble - the Gollum version, because memes, and Pocketful of Sunshine, which she considers a “Laura Song”.

2. the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

You think that Clint climbing through vents is bad? You’ve never had to deal with Natasha falling asleep in them.

3. the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Any drinking game. The only one who could beat her is Vision, except Vision doesn’t generally drink, because he doesn’t need to. That said, the twins come close, as did Stark, before he decided that he really needed to cut back on the self-medication via alcohol.

4. the emoticon they’d use most often

Is there one for a frownyface with one raised eyebrow? That’s Natasha’s fave.

5. what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Absolutely normal until the moment she keels over. Common procedure with SHIELD was to debrief her and give her one cup of coffee, as soon as the coffee was finished, debriefing would be delayed until she’d got some sleep.

6. their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

She doesn’t really have a preference; the chance to have options is her preference and she’ll generally go with whatever her tastebuds are craving at the time, unless it would blow her cover.

7. how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Visiting Clint and Laura and the Barton kids.

8. what they wanted to be when they grew up

A ballerina. Not a Black Widow-Ballerina, an actual Ballerina. And she could have been, if not for the Red Room. Now she just wants to make sure that people don’t do that to more kids, and that kids who’ve been shaped so don’t get a chance to destroy the world.

9. their favorite kind of weather

Cold, crisp, biting winter snow.

10. thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Natasha Does Not Sing. Not ever.

11. how/what they like to draw or doodle

Sometimes she sketches things, not really thinking.

Almost inevitably, its things from the Red Room.

[metalempire]

so using the digimon picker i was able to find my top 20 favourite digimon it seems. the list itself reads right to left and goes in descending order, so i’m going to list them off in ascending order and give reasons as to why they got on the list it seems. a noticable trend on this list is dark themed, red coloured or metallic digimon. 

20. scorpmon 

it’s no surprise i like appmon and i do like that scorpmon harkens back to digimon designs by being edgy and having guns, plus he’s purple.i like the cameramon line so far and i liked the fight he had with dogatchmon. 

19. infernmon

one of my more favourite perfect level designs, i like that his mouth has a gun hidden in it and i loved how it was in our war games. honestly its got that kind of uncanny look on its face that makes it look both evil and cunning yet not hostile. its just a design i really appreciate, plus it looks cute when it tucks its limbs in,

18. dogatchmon

i like gatchmon and navimon, so combining their designs makes something i like. no brainer really. he gets alot of good fight scenes and whatnot in appmon and honestly he looks pretty sleek yet compact. not too much to say here he’s a more basic design in appmon i appreciate for not being too silly or edgy.

17. omegamon alter-b

out of all his numerous forms, this is the omegamon im most attached to, specifically because of next-0rder. i like the idea of swapping the weapons and imbuing it with darkness and letting it run wild, as well as being an alter evolution, it just looks really cool and was a great fight in the game as well. plus its just got a cool name.

16. millenniumon 

i always thought its previous form as kimairamon was a clusterfuck of colours, yet had potential as a design. so dampening those colours to darker greys, blacks and a little blue accented with that yellow and blue aura with those sick mugen cannons on it help bring the design together really, plus it looks thinner and meaner than its perfect form. 

15. leviamon

my favourite demon lord. i like marine life that can kill you and has teeth. plus im a very envious person, so this thing stuck with me, especially since he’s the most different looking out of the demon lords. i just like the idea of a giant crocodile being the second most powerful among the demon lords with a mouth big enough to rip a building in half if he wanted to. plus having two tails is cute.

14. chaosdukemon

honestly the uses of dull purples, blues and a shade of grey thats not quite black and not steel coloured either makes a very subtly impressive design, one that would convey dread over terror. im particularly fond of how its shield looks to be honest.

13. herakleskabuterimon

the only one who doesnt quite fit the theme of this list too well. huh. either way i think the tentomon line is a decent one only upstaged by a few others in adventure as it goes, yet ends up being my favourite ultimate from tri when all the kids get ultimate evolutions. i do like how it has a few nods to kuwagamon and has enough going on yet stays simple by using a mostly one colour. it looks powerful without trying too hard and i feel like i can respect this thing.

12. megidramon

i consider this to be guilmon’s true ultimate really and it does look quite terrifying. it has acidic saliva, hellfire themed design, elements of megalogrowlmon such as the arm blades and looks like a scary dragon rather than a dinosaur. i also like its lack of legs for some reason. when i imagine the digital hazard this thing first comes to mind, because it looks like a menace to any digimon really. its a woefully underused design and one that sticks with me to this day as something that really stood out in tamers.

11. megaseadramon

seadramon’s design was simple but not memorable really. megaseadramon has a much more effective design, using colours that mesh better, i like that its hair looks like algae and i like the metal twisted horn that shoots lightning, hearkening back to betamon. i also find it kind of cute, its slender and looks like it’d probably kill you on sight and i kind of like its demented eyes.

10. diablomon

yaoi hands. i like how diabolical this thing looks, it has wild eyes, a villain’s hairstyle and a nice way of walking that reminds you its kind of a bug but not really. those long arms that just whip around to slap you just add to it really when paired with its comparatively little legs. again our war games plays into how much i like this thing, since it was fast, cunning and powerful. quite alot for whats essentially the personification of the y2k bug.

9. globemon

red google daddy. fuck me this is the first appmon design i’d probably fuck. just look at him, sleek, tall, strong shiny. he moves in a very exaggerated fashion and is so laughably overpowered in concept that he can basically attack the entire earth with one move. i like the use of lasers and lights in his design and that he replaces most of the white and green from dogatchmon with timemon’s bright gold to look kind of regal yet commanding.

8. alphamon

best waifu. something about them hips man.... anyway, alphamon is probably op as shit for being able to rewind time and blast apart dexdorughoramon with one attack, as well as having a sword made of light and whatever the fuck an ouryuken is. its got a wide arsenal and pulls off a great black knight look, i like that its the leader of the royal knights who’s never actually there, just existing to control them if need be. x-evolution and cyber sleuth really helped endear me to alphamon, its so cool and smooth looking. 

7. hagurumon

the only child level on this list, hagurumon is adorable. its essentially thee gears sellotaped together with a crooked smile. it also has one eye thats covered by a circle and one eye with a spiky circle for variety. its just so cute, it fits exactly into what i find adorable, the way it moves, the way it smiles, the industrial look it has. it’s got a place in my heart as my favourite child level for just being unconventially adorable.

6. chaosdramon

considering it’s the evolution to another digimon on this list, it wins a spot by virtue of sharing a similar design, yet adapting it. its got eyes now and even though its black skin is actually cyber in some ways, looking some cool matrix shit, it makes it look more like a dragon/dinosaur wearing red digizoit armour. i do like how it has the same weapons as its prior stage, yet they do look noticeably different, i like the return to the classic dreadnought cannons that slowly snap forward and fire one colossal blast. the whole thing looks ready to go and kill. 

5. megadramon

arguably my favourite perfect level, megadramon has a classical design to me. its got that cyborg reptile thing going on that i love, its got a little tattoos, tattered wings, a metal helmet and those two missile launchers for hands. it looks ferocious and there’s enough going there to look at plus its one of the rarer instances where colours that clash a bit look kind of fitting for me. i’d like t imagine it curled up asleep sometime. 

4. lordknightmon

pink’s a good colour, knights are good. lordknightmon is therefore good. i love this thing as a character, someone who will do anything if the ends justify the means, so much untapped potential for conflict with the royal knights and with itself. its good villain, but also a food hero, plus its flashy and vain, which i find entertaining. i like the elegant design alot and the fact its pink. sexy. 

3. dukemon

i think everyone fell in love with dukemon the first time they saw it. it’s a timeless design, perfect uses of red and white. the weapons it has just look so good together, its body looks just right, its pretty much captivating in a way thats unique to the viewer yet always universal in that sense. i like its concept too, it tamed the digital hazard and instead used its power to protect the digital world as a holy knight instead of destroy it, even its personal justice seems to be that ones deeds determine your fate and that life is always precious. i also like that its a bit of a rebel among the royal knights once it starts thinking. be real, we’d all marry dukemon. 

2. metalseadramon

i like metal digimon, i like megaseadramon. combine the two and i’m signed up lads. in a way, i find this thing really cute, hard to explain, not gonna bother. i also really like how its nose is now a giant laser cannon because it must have one hell of a sneeze. honestly though this thing is so majestic looking, its got the hair, the gold and silver metal design, the wires and pipes, all of it slenderly put together on a sleek serpent of the seas, its so beautiful in a way, a design that just comes together perfectly.

1. mugendramon

anyone who follows me is not surprised at all that this is my favourite. i adore this thing. i love that its a combo of several perfect level digimon’s cyborg parts meshed together into one incredible machine of death and destruction. honestly i consider it the best designed digimon of all time. there’s so much going on but its not a clusterfuck, everything links together so well, you can really tell its machine digimon made to be the best of the best, taking so much that worked before and amplifying it. i like cyborgs and i like robots, so this thing hits all the notes for me while still trying to look like a monster, like a mechanical chimera that looks like it fits, like all the parts were meant to be put together to assemble this glorious machine. i love its wide variety of weapons and attacks, and that its essentially a digimon who runs on malice, that it petty much exists just to fuck up everything in sight. i’ll never forget the one analogman used at the end of digimon world 1 and i love the idea that it as the first ultimate, that because of this thing so many digimon rapidly began to change and try to reach its level of power. this thing definites the level its at, that all digimon going from perfect to ultimate should use this thing as a goal of sorts, to reach its sheer level of power. and its withstood the test of time, with so many digimon at the ultimate level being so strong in their own ways, this thing can still go toe to toe with the best of them. its a raw classic that just cant be beaten in my eyes, its always going to be my favourite really. i love it. 

[aurevoirscarlett-blog]

“Classic, Timeless, Essential”

     As I have grown, my love of fashion has grown along with me. As exciting and my journey has been, it had been a struggle for me to find myself and my own personal style. That is until I came across the all time must haves: simple, easy to coordinate clothing, that is easy to individualize with your personal flare. I find these pieces to be closet staples! These basics provide an effortless option for looks that are easy to dress up or down for any occasion, and can survive through the ages. Let’s begin!

Plain White Tee

You guessed it! A classic white tee is a must have for any season. Pair with dark wash denim, cigarette pants, or an a-line skirt. Any shoes will do you justice, just be careful to keep a solid flow throughout your outfit. I find them to be extremely versatile, and comfortable. I cant tell you the amount of times I find myself reaching for one. You simply can’t go wrong with a fitted white T-shirt!

  Cos Classic T-shirt in White

    Sharp Blazer

Easily draped over any outfit, a crisp blazer makes a great addition to any wardrobe. For a sophisticated look, try pairing it with black tailored pants. Classic colors include Navy, Black, and White, but I personally love a deep sangria red. You can dress it down with your favorite jeans or leggings, and layer it over a cashmere sweater and chunky scarf. Honestly, I used to dislike blazers, thinking they looked to business casual. Recently however, I’ve grown so fond of the look! I guess I just had to dig a little deeper and see all the ways to make it casual!

  Balmain

Club Monaco

Dolce and Gabbana

    The Button Up

A personal favorite, the classy button up. I absolutely love the simplicity of these shirts. They always make my outfits look so put together and posh for lack of a better word! I think white is a must have colored, but I cannot deny my love for blue or black banker stripes. I can’t resist a button up with rolled up sleeves, paired with leather loafers, jeans, and large black sunglasses. Just thinking about it makes my heart beat a little but faster.

  Turtle Neck Sweater

When you think of a black turtle neck sweater, you probably think of Steve Jobs or have a dramatic flashback to the 80’s. Despite this initial impression, I think turtlenecks are super stylish and practical for winter. They provide the necessary warmth and comfort for those chilly nights out on the town or for a weekend brunch. I’m really loving the edgy look of black on black denim right now, and I think a turtleneck is a must for everyone’s closet.

  h&m Ribbed Turtleneck Top

Allude Cashmere Mock Neck Sweater

Victoria Beckham Chunky Turtle Neck Jumper

  White Sneakers

Sneakers are the essence of a casually cool look that combines style with comfort. Honestly, who doesn’t love white sneakers. They can go with practically any outfit. Whether it’s jeans and a T-shirt, or tailored highwaters, white sneakers will make any outfit comfy and clean. Some of my favorites include Vans Classic Slip-Ons, Keds Champion Originals, Versace High-Top Palazzo Sneakers, and the Minna Parikka Bunny Ear Sneakers. Also, if you’re looking to add a little boost to your height, a great pair with a subtle platform are Superga 2790.

  Superga 2790

Versace

Minna Purikka

Cigarette Pants

  Pointed Pump

Whether for a party, date night, or simply wanting a finishing touch for your outfit, a classic pair of pointed pumps are the way to go. Personally, I like solid colors he most, because it makes them easier to style, they are universally chic, and they are timeless. I mean have you ever seen a time period not wearing them? Pointed pumps loo good with every outfit, ranging from shorts and blouse, boyfriend jeans and a distressed t-shirt, and of course an elegant dress.

  Stuart Weitzman

Christian Louboutin

Topshop

    Loafers

When loafers come to mind, I think of a posh prepschooler with expensive, but excellent, fashion taste. In my opinion, slip-ons make any outfit classy and effortless, just be cautious with what you pair them with. They always look timeless with a simple outfit, and I love to wear them shopping for a comfortable shoe wear option. From skinny jeans, cigarette pants (as previously mentioned), or a simple skirt, loafers can take any simple outfit from nay to yay.

  Asos

Stubbs & Wootton Nitenday Slipper

J. Crew Mirror Metallic Penny Loafers

  Universal Handbag

I am a sucker for handbags; but only very classy ones that suit my style. While I do enjoy drooling over seasonal bags, my bank account isn’t on the same page as me. So in order to fulfill me desires, I wait until sales and think long and hard before making the commitment. I want a handbag that will stand the test of time, and provide a good quality design. When choosing a handbag, I recommend purchasing one that is a neutral shade, or is known to be a staple. Also, make sure that you love it! So with that being said, I’ve left some suggestions below!

Prada Cahier leather velvet shoulder bag

Louis Vuitton Speedy 30

Gucci GG Supreme Top Handle Bag

  That is all I have o share now with the colder months approaching! I will probably make a follow up for some of my other favorite closet staples as the warmed months com around!  hope you enjoyed this! I would love to hear from you abut your additions to this list! Love.

  Au Revoir,

Scarlett

x

Timeless Wardrobe Essentials "Classic, Timeless, Essential"      As I have grown, my love of fashion has grown along with me. As exciting and my journey has been, it had been a struggle for me to find myself and my own personal style.