#honestly i wish people would stop giffing that episode entirely. but they don’t

[quantumshade]

pov you are reading the tags of a gifset of river song wearing a literal NAZI UNIFORM

[anasticep]

Why Julie and the Phantoms is a masterpiece of a show. Part 1 of 3

· NOTE: if somehow you happen to like my gifs, please, feel free to use them. But, please, don’t crop or change.

· NOTE 2: This meta has been flourishing in my mind for quite a long time, but it was @catty-words meta on Perfect Harmony that inspired me to actually put it all on paper

· NOTE 3: I planned two parts of this, but ended up with far more gifs than a post allows. I dunno. Not sure if anyone will actually be interested in this rumbling. Probably it won’t even be a new and outstanding thinking. I’ll see how it goes.

What sets a good show apart? I’ll tell you exactly this: the pilot and the finale.

Whether it’s a season finale or a grand finale, it doesn’t matter for a scenario. People tend to forget the middle, that’s why all we remember about LOST is this weird full of dead people church that simply left the fans heartbroken. But frankly speaking, LOST ended so much better then most modern shows. And honestly I get why it’s so hard to keep track on things after 6 years and such a long row of characters. That’s why making a season in one take is so much better, when writers do not depend on what the fans think or like or ship. They simply do their job.

Do I need to say that our brain clearly remembers everything we throw at it? We think we forget, but that’s not quite true. That’s also the reason how we distinguish what we like and dislike – we remember all the small things and foreshadowing. Also that’s why we keep re-watching the shows we love: we simply acknowledge what our brain already knows. We simply find that thread that links everything together.

And they can be simple things. But first on what made this script a masterpiece for me: first and last scenes in the studio (+some things from 0102 band circle scene of 0109).

1. The Studio Intro

In 0101 Julie hesitates to go in the garage. She was reluctant to go in the first place. It signifies everything she’s lost: mother, music, voice. She inhales deeply, steadying herself. She can do this.

In 0109 it’s quite the opposite. She wanted to go there even though she knew the guys had already crossed over. Now this place signifies everything she gained back and more: music, voice, friends and, of course, a way back to her mother. She did it.

And this is a perfect visual explanation of the line “It’s not what you lost, it’s what you gain raising your voice to the rain”

2. The Band Intro

Can you see it the way I see it? It’s not a coincidence, it’s been done on purpose. Julie is mortified both times but for completely different reasons. In 0101 she is scared OF them. In 0109 she is scared FOR them. It’s so heartbreakingly beautiful it even hurts.

3. Personal space

In 0101 Julie and Luke are both scared of each other. See that extra step she did to push him away? Or the way he acts as if Julie is really a witch that could curse him? And who needs any personal space in 0109? These scenes show their journey in the best way possible.

4. You have to leave

In 0101 after accepting the fact that she was sane enough and these three ghosts really existed Julie is simply annoyed. She orders them to leave. She doesn’t what them to exist in her life. She has no time to deal with these dead cute boys. She wants them gone.

In 0109 after acknowledging that their plan has failed she also wants them gone. She orders them to leave again. But she wants to save them and for now that’s the only way she can think of. It’s better than not existing at all, even if it means not existing in her life.

And just look at the directing. The shots are almost twins! Julie mimics the scene from 0101 almost entirely, although it hits on a different level. I don't exactly know why it makes me so excited, probably I'm just very tired of mediocre scripts.

5. Maybe she’s a witch

I’m sure she is at least to some extent. It’s such a wonderful foreshadowing. I hope in season 2 we'll find out more but I think the perception on this in "Feels like I’ve opened my eyes again" by @pink-flame is very close if not almost entirely accurate to what I thought about season 2 and all this magic thing. Such a masterpiece of a fanfiction btw, I wish I found the show sooner and was reading it chapter by chapter. One of the best things I've read so far in any fandom.

6. Attached to our souls & 7. She's warming up to us

Do I need to say much? That’s the magic Julie has: her love for these boys. They are attached to her soul.

8. We had nowhere else to go

To think about it, they didn’t need Julie’s permission to stay in the first place. Like… How on earth would she even get rid of them? But that’s what defined these friendship from the start. They asked for permission in 0101 and in 0109 Luke’s words are almost apologetic that they ended up in her garage again.

9. I'm sorry we came into your life

Again, look at how both episodes have been shot. 0101 they stand apart, not knowing anything about each other yet. They both are not very comfortable with the whole situation and Luke voices what Julie might be thinking: why me? In 0109 Julie answers her past self that it was a blessing and a miracle. They are the closest they've ever got to be and the most sincere.

10. I have space for only one more gif and I'm simply fond of this parallel. We need a Witch!Julie AU)))))

________________________

Due to the pics limit I have to stop here. But there is so much more to say. So stay tuned to see Parts two and three if you liked this one. God, I hope you did

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

And now I’ve watched episode 3 of Walker because of reasons. (You guys asked, that’s reasons.) #1

My review of episode 1 got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of you asked me to cover more episodes! But my review of episode 2 didn’t get much feedback at all. Possibly because episode 2 was boring and you can only make so many funny jokes about the glowy wife before it gets stale, so I get it, it’s fine. It was boring for me too. Hopefully this gets funnier! I actually have high expectations for this episode, since apparently it introduces NotDean. You know, the childhood friend who Walker loves like a brother and is the Han Solo to Walker’s Luke Skywalker. Like, what. Stop comparing Jared Padalecki characters to Like Skywalker 2021 challenge. *insert you keep using that word...*

Anyway, in case you missed it - here are all my reviews of Walker episodes, in chronological order.

EDIT: *screeching* GUYS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS. YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS. Read to the end, don’t stop at the padalacting. I’m begging you asdfghjkl

Alright. Let’s start this. Actually I have a thought before we start. You know, I was thinking that episode 3 of Supernatural is when Dean gets genuinely introduced as a person. Sera Gamble and Raelle Tucker were the first to give Dean the personality that stuck and developed into the character that we love. Dead In The Water is, not coincidetally, the episode that sold Supernatural to me. The first couple of episodes were weirdly compelling, without which I wouldn’t have continued watching, but you must understand that I’d never watched horror before. It really wasn’t my genre. I was just watching on the assumption that it would get better at some point, and if it didn’t I’d stop. But Dead In The Water got me. Because that’s when we’re really shown Dean for the first time. The rest is history and now we’re here.

So I wonder what will happen in episode 3 of Walker. Is it going to magically pull a Dean out of the hat and get me?

Let’s start. The Texan countryside. The yellow, glowy light tells us this is a flashback. Closeups of Jared and Gen. He is somewhat concerned. He’s at the wheel of a car, still on the street - a red Mustang. Unlike the red Mustang of the horseman War, it is a convertible. Fun fact: a Mustang was Kripke’s original idea for the Winchesters’ car, but then switched to the Impala for body-in-the-trunk reasons. I am the 😬 emoji.

Actually guys I need to show you a couple Jared faces. I think they’re supposed to be purposely comedic faces, but honestly this is just how he acts normally. I promise I am not coming in this with a bias towards Jared’s acting. I just observe, with my eyes. He was actually good in many Supernatural episodes.

I just can’t see Cordell Walker. I’m just seeing Jared and Gen Padalecki delivering what is a somewhat padalecki acting in front of my eyes and I swear I had to close the video in the middle of this scene and start over because of a sudden attack of second-hand embarrassment.

Let’s continue

Basically, Walker is trying to drive the Mustang, but he is not good at it and the car stops after two meters. He feels exactly how I feel when I watch Walker.

“Damn it!” Jared exclaims, jaredly. I think that this scene is supposed to be set Many Years Ago, because Walker is wearing a backwards cap and Emily has her hair styled like Bad Janet but straighter, which actually says a lot about this show somehow.

God, I wish I could gif the entire scene to show you guys the padalacting. I mean, I could, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Have a bit of the scene.

For some reason she puts this thing on the dashboard, because he “puts your mind at ease”.

He makes more Jared faces, which we’ll skip because I don’t want to spend 7 hours on this.

Wait look at this shot of the car (with some bonus Jared face).

Why does this look filmed by your dad with a videocamera on Christmas afternoon after you received a toy car as a present? I suddenly have a newfound admiration for the directors who did Impala shots on Supernatural because it would seem car shots are not that easy to make. Maybe this is why Supernatural always filmed at night with a black car.

Guys I am telling you, if you need to watch one scene of Walker in your life, watch this scene. It’s so embarrassing. I almost decided to gif the moment of the car going and commenting “nyoom” but the Impala does not deserve this.

Anyway.

Listen, if I have to see thing thing over and over, you have to see it too.

He’s brought the damn thing onto a new cop truck while on a stakeout with Ramirez, who is just as happy about it as any normal person would.

I think they’re outside a strip club, judging from the posters outside.

He keeps quoting lines from the scene with his wife, which is sort of weird since Ramirez is not his love interest. Yet. Oh no. Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t even thinking of doing that. Ramirez has a perfectly fine boyfriend.

Walker says that since they’re sitting there just waiting for the suspect’s movements or whatever, they should use that time to get to know each other, like “favorite movies, the teams you root for, middle names”.

Ramirez is me.

He’s like ~let’s bond~ and Ramirez goes immediately for the jugular and asks how Stella (his daughter) is doing. “Wow” he says. He says he and Stella are “in a good place, I think”. You’re not and we’re definitely not. This is the bad place.

Basically, they’re trying to live in a bubble of ignoring her upcoming court date for the marijuana thing. Ramirez says that the easy route is not a good idea. He’s like, are you speaking from experience? Basically they keep implying Ramirez also has a ~bad girl past, which I can absolutely live without.

Aaand now we see the inside of the strip club. The suspect is there, a lady with a Latinoamerican name, apparently bisexual because she’s surrounded by a woman and a man in underwear, the woman is touching her, it leaves no doubt about it. 😬 Enter the stripper on stage, who captures the lady’s attention.

The stripper is a man. Dressed as a slutty cowboy. There’s glitter.

Yeah, you read it right.

Oh no. No I absolutely change my mind. If you have to watch one scene of Walter, it must be the slutty glitter cowboy stripper.

There’s. There’s a. There’s a slutty glitter cowboy stripper.

The CW could do slutty glitter cowboy strippers and Dean Winchester is not there?!

I repeat, they killed Dean Winchester and then did slutty glitter cowboy strippers in Walker?!

This is a travesty. This is an outrage.

Crime. Pure crime.

Listen, I’m not optimizing these gifs, take these super quick gifs, I can’t possibly spend my night optimizing glitter cowboy stripper gifs. But you need to see.

What’s the target demographic of this show? Texan housewives? The gays? Are they trying to test all the waters and see what happens? Is Walker going to become about gay people and Jared’s character a secondary character in his own show?

Wait

*sweats* Are they really trying to replicate Supernatural in everything after all?

The bisexual lighting is there and all.

The guy in skimpy underwear is distracting. I can’t believe yesterday I saw a Jared interview where he said he couldn’t watch Supernatural with his kids because of all the violence but Walker is a show you can watch with kids. I mean, aside from this scene, Walker is definitely more kid-friendly than Supernatural for obvious reasons. But hey, since Supernatural already was non-kid-friendly, they could have at least put more dudes in skimpy underwear.

You know what, I think they’re just aiming for Texan housewives.

“You’re hotter than Austin asphalt” suspect lady tells the stripper. You know. Something normal people say.

(If Texan people actually speak like this, do NOT tell me.)

Guys, we’re only four minutes in. It’s midnight. I will continue tomorrow...

*screams into the void* These have been the four wildest minutes of my life.

[hmslusitania]

I see we're going ape over buddie and Choices tonight so

Yknow in 2.07, when Shannon comes back and her and Eddie have their first scene together? The argument at the end, after Eddie says it wouldn't be a good idea for her to see Christopher bc she left them, she says she needed him, she needed a husband and a co-parent - and "I needed someone to have my back!"

To which EDDIE says, "I always had your back"

*insert Incredibles "coincidence? I think NOT" gif here*

(Also side note, I do like that the show doesn't try to sugarcoat what Shannon did being messed up, and that Eddie's own actions weren't really the right thing either[thinking about his conversation with Buck where he says he got to pretend he left for a noble cause even tho he was running], and that it was just a sticky situation that neither of them were equipped to handle in any way, and snowballed. I do kind of wish we could've gotten post-divorce Shannon and Eddie and Christopher interactions, figuring out how they fit together, if at all, bc I like those intricate and messy situations but I could see how that might get too close to retreading old ground re: Michael and Athena's divorce. But I do hate how ive seen the fandom like. Seem to oversimplify things with Shannon sometimes? And make her the ultimate villain, and Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, Ever)

Hi Anon!

The decision to have Buck and Eddie's first bonding moment end with "You can have my back any day" and "or, y'know, you could have mine" only to then six episodes later find out that at least a contributing factor to Eddie's marriage dissolving was that he "didn't have her back" is like. Such a galaxy brain chaos move for them to take, honestly. Like?? They could've had the phrasing be literally anything in 2x07 but instead they had it directly echo Buck and Eddie in 2x01. What was the reason? Why did they do this?

As for the rest of your ask:

(gosh this got long and, uh, opinionated. It is Not Pretty below the cut)

One of the things I really liked about Eddie Begins is that we did get to see him at the beginning of his journey in being Chris's dad because it gives us an opportunity to appreciate how amazingly he's grown as a father. Like, he didn't start out as a perfect dad and he was definitely kind of lost in the woods at the beginning there when it came to the whole "how do I parent" thing. And before Eddie Begins, we'd only ever seen the end result of the growth he's gone through, where he really is a fantastic dad whose son is basically his entire reason for being. Before Eddie Begins, we get to hear him say things like "I left first" and "I've failed that kid more times than I can count but I love him enough to never stop trying" but we kinda have to take that on faith? Because we hadn't actually seen him be anything besides a good dad until we saw his Begins episode. (And even then in his begins it's like "area man in his early 20s unsure how to care for small child while also coping with PTSD and a toxic support system" which like. yeah. no shit. there's one hell of a learning curve there)

The thing about Eddie and Shannon as a couple and as parents that always gets to me is that they were so fucking young. We don't know exactly how old Eddie is in the show, but we can guesstimate pretty safely that he's around the same age as Ryan which would make him between 23 and 24 when Chris was born, and it seems reasonable to believe Shannon was around the same age. It's also a pretty common reading in the fandom -- although I'm not sure how much canon support there is for it because we really, really don't know anything about their relationship pre-Christopher unless I'm forgetting something -- that they got married because Shannon got pregnant and that was the Done Thing. And when you're 23-24, baby on the way, freshly married, that is just like. So much. It sure as hell ruined my parents' relationship when they did that exact thing, and then they disliked each other until they were 27 and then they got divorced, and no one was happier than me about it, I have to tell you.

Back to the show, I can only give you my impressions, obviously, but the impression I have always gotten from the whole "I left too" conversation and the context that goes into it and the different behaviours we see exhibited by the characters is that Eddie "left" first and it comes across to me that he was basically an early twenty-something kid running scared from the abstract concept of being a father in general, and then when he was forced home by an honourable discharge, and was confronted with the reality of Christopher, he managed to step the fuck up and become Christopher's dad. It's there in 2x02, right? "Oh, you've got a kid? I love kids!" "I love this one." Eddie doesn't strike me as a Swiss Army Knife all-purpose Dad(tm) the way Bobby is. Eddie is Christopher's dad. (and like, of course, he's obviously moved by kids when he's on a call, we've seen that enough times to know that if there's a child who can even glancingly remind him of Christopher, Eddie's sense of self-preservation goes out the window, and I love that about him as heart-stopping as it can be in practice)

Shannon, on the other hand, didn't run from the idea of being a mother -- at first. When she left, it wasn't from the abstract. She left Chris (and "gave up" on Eddie, thanks Helena). She was not running from a concept, she was running from a reality. I think Shannon is a fascinating character to include in a television show as a side character, because she really isn't a one note character. Like, she was unarguably a bad mother, and from what we saw, she was a questionable romantic partner to have (but as you said, anon, Eddie was also not 100% the best romantic partner when he was with Shannon either; their entire relationship so far as I can tell was built on sexual chemistry which, uh, super does not sustain a relationship), but she also seems to have been a devoted daughter? I mean, yeah, it's entirely possible that her mom being sick was a convenient excuse to bail -- and obviously she didn't come back after her mom died, and didn't, y'know, contact her son or husband in the interim, so yes, I can see that being a valid way to read the situation. I don't think she's the Ultimate Evil, because she strikes me as a very human character in all the ways that people are more often than not really fucking flawed.

But then we get back to the actual break-up scene. The first time I watched it (and second, and third; then the fourth time the person I was watching with was like "I mean, sure, but it could also be read in this light") her "I'm just learning how to be someone's mother" speech really bothered me? Partly because it was the abstraction of it, right? Eddie doesn't like kids, he likes Christopher, and Shannon sort of had the inverse journey there, I guess, where it went from she didn't know how to be Christopher's mother, to she didn't know how to be a mother. And that speech bothered me because it always sounded to me like she was bailing again. She begged Eddie to let her back into Christopher's life (guilt? I guess?) and like, straight up bribed him with sex which was sure a choice, and then decides -- for a second time -- that she's out. It sounded, to me, she was handing Eddie papers and maybe, in a few years, possibly, once she'd had "time" to "figure out how to be someone's mother" she would try again. Just like she had in the interim between leaving when Christopher was little and the time of season 2.

And like, that could totally be a misunderstanding of the scene and what she was saying. It's what I took away from it, but that could very well be influenced by the fact I was raised by divorced parents and my dad had custody and if you count up all the time I spent with either parent when I was a minor, I was predominantly raised by my father and have had an especially tempestuous relationship with my mother that is mostly (sometimes) repaired now that I'm in my late twenties and have not lived with her since I was sixteen.

Back to the show, and to your comment that the fandom tends to treat Shannon like the Ultimate Evil and act like Eddie Did Nothing Wrong, I mean. Yeah. Fandom as a rule tends to shirk nuance. We're all fools here on the internet sitting in our blue industrial waste container crying about a wee woo show. I personally believe a more nuanced take on that might be that Eddie has shown a great capacity to learn from his mistakes (sometimes to make fun, shiny, new ones, but for the most part, just like ends up doing better the next time) and Shannon did not show that capacity in the time we knew her.

I think, depending on what they did with it, there was potential for an interesting storyline if they'd played through the divorce. I don't think it would've been rehashing ground covered by Michael and Athena's divorce because I can't see Eddie and Shannon having reached a point of amicability and friendship. The only thing we know they had in common was Christopher, and frankly, when you boil it down, the ways they engaged with Christopher as a person were so disparate that -- to me -- it really didn't seem like they had Christopher in common when you get right down to it. But I wouldn't have wanted to see Christopher and Eddie dragged through an ugly divorce process. They deserve better than that.

There's also a conversation to be had about Shannon's blatant ableism towards her own son, but that is extremely not my lane since I am not disabled myself. But even from an outside perspective, basically their entire parking lot conversation in Haunted, uh, haunts me with it's repugnance and the fact that instead of calling her on any of it, Eddie "Chronically touch starved" Diaz's response was to kiss her? Gosh golly do I wish that was one of the mistakes he learned from properly instead of finding a new, shiny version.

ANYWAY this got long, tl;dr (although if you clicked on the read more, you probably read it) version is No, Shannon is not the Ultimate Evil, she's a shitty mom not a demon in a skin suit and a pretty yellow sundress; and No, Eddie is not a flawless human who's never done wrong in his life but holy fuck is he trying and he'd be the first person to tell you he's made mistakes (and often has been); and no, sorry, I don't want to see the divorce storyline play out because we probably would've had to see either Eddie Bashing, Shannon Redemption, or Shannon turning up again like a cardboard cut out of a cartoon villain the way Eva did and I want to be witness to exactly zero of those things.

[cybernaght]

The Rebel/叛逆者: A Review of Sorts

After being only semi-invested in the Rebel, I ended up getting so into it in the final weeks of its release, I’ve shelled out on IQIYI premium just to get the final couple of episodes a few days earlier.

That’s right kids, it’s a Review of Sorts. Unfortunately, I could not find a translation of the novella the drama is based on, so will be looking at it as a separate entity. 

Most of this post is spoiler-free, however I have dedicated a few paragraphs at the end of it to discussing the final episode, as there are a few specific things about it I wanted to mention. There is a clear spoiler warning before that part.

If you don’t want to risk it, TL;DR version of this review goes something like this: Rebel is very decent, and positively one of the best things that I have seen to come out of China since I’ve jumped into that particular rabbit hole. It’s pretty well written, it’s very beautifully dressed and shot, and the cast is killing it. I thought it dropped the ball a little in post production, and I did not always love the pacing. Other than that, it’s incredibly decent, and well worth watching, unless communist propaganda really irks you, in which case stay very well away. 

I have been having many conversations with @supernovasimplicity​ all the way through watching this drama, so there are likely to be some thoughts here that are influenced by those. 

The story centers around Lin Nansheng, a struggling servicemen in the Guomingdang party. He has a great analytical mind, and absolutely no emotional capacity for his job. He has trouble handling violence, he is impulsive, he cannot speak to his superiors without bursting into tears, and has nothing even remotely resembling a poker face. And that is what makes this drama as enjoyable as it is. 

I don’t think Lin Nansheng’s journey would have been nearly as exciting had he started it from a place of competence. He botches up everything he touches because his big brain switches off the moment his emotions kick in. And so, when you see him grow in confidence, learn to control himself, learn to fake his smiles and compliments, you can’t help but feel a strange sense of pride. It also makes Lin Nansheng very likeable as a character for reasons other than Zhu Yilong’s ability to look like a bush baby.

It did take me a while to feel fully engaged with his performance - not because there is anything lacking in it, but just because it’s hard to be truly surprised by his choices after the exposure I have given myself to his work. That said, at about a half-way point I got charmed by him anyway, and there were quite a few scenes that were truly mesmerising. There were scenes where he broke out of the familiar mould of big unguarded eyes and fluttering wet eyelashes, and tried something that was not pretty: every time to a great success. I am hoping to see more of that in his future work. 

I really wanted to like the female lead, Zhu Yizhen, but unfortunately both the way she was written and the way she was performed by Tong Yao left me somewhat cold. It did not help of course that the screenplay ended up sidelining her at every turn, leaving her with very little personal agency. She was set up so interestingly, but in the end her sole purpose became being someone for Lin Nansheng to pine over. It is particularly curious from a perspective of meta storytelling: seeing how this is all centered around superiority of communism, which as a whole was, arguably, ahead of its time in the matters of binary gender equality.

The ensemble cast of the drama is stunning. Wang Yang came very close to  stealing the show at several points as Chen Moqun, somehow managing to make his rather unlikeable character interesting. I can say the same thing about Zhu Zhu who absolutely shined as Lin Xinjie, showing an incredible range and imagination in her performance.

The overarching story of the show is engaging, with some incredibly suspenseful elements; every narrative arc including a nice progression through it. As spy thrillers go, it was fairly well plotted. You could if you go looking for a few things that did not pay off in a satisfying way (notably, the Chekhov’s cyanide capsule), but you overall the story really was well told for the most of it. 

I did, however, feel like the pacing started to fall apart in the last quarter of the drama. Last episode in particular really did feel rushed, not just due to its pace, but also in a way it failed to pay off the final mission in any visible way. There will be more on that in the spoiler section of this post.

Important to note that The Rebel is a show made in Communist China in the year 2021. It does not ideologically side-step from the path that was laid out for it by that fact. Which is to say, it is, undeniably, filled with propaganda. Communists are the good guys, and if you think a good guy (or gal) is not a communist, they probably secretly are. With one exception of a friendly character who is not a communist, and whose fate we actually never find out. Curious, that. 

The Rebel is not a kind of a show where censorship-appeasing scenes are shoehorned in. It’s a kind of a show in which the main theme is Sacrifice For the Party.

Aside from the being the moral vector of the show, Mao’s gentle teachings explicitly help get Ling Nansheng out of prolonged depression following his injury, and almost annoyingly, this sat incredibly well with the character, as he was written. Lin Nansheng is conceived as this naive idealist who wants to be on the front line, who needs validation and support of others. His - and I can’t believe I’m saying this - his being disillusioned in his beliefs and choosing to join a party which includes people whom he likes and trusts makes sense. Him finding this one thing that gives him hope and letting it propel him into gaining confidence and competence makes sense. 

In many ways, the Rebel is a story of Lin Nansheng’s failure to become an antagonist within the world of the drama.

I have honestly spent this past couple of weeks pondering whether being well written makes political propaganda better or worse, whether the subtlety of it makes it more or less palatable, whether it’s enough, as a viewer, to be aware of it to shrug it off. Ultimately, this is not something I could or should make moral judgements on, but I do believe that it’s possible to acknowledge the fact that propaganda exists in the drama, and still appreciate it for a good piece of television that it is. 

That said, I am very well aware that me being kind of okay with it stems entirely from my own removal from the culture this is made in, and I am, perhaps, lucky to even have a choice as to whether I want to engage with a product which is, undoubtably, here to dress political ideology in fancy clothes.

I have, on the other hand, also seen many things in Russian media of the “Annexation of Crimea is Good Actually” variety and those make me feel very unwell, so feeling somewhat at ease with blatant political propaganda in Chinese media makes me the biggest hypocrite.

But, I digress.

Before we go into some specific plot-related things, I would like to mention that the Rebel has this weird dichotomy in which the production is sublime, and the post-production… not so much. The show very well shot. Every element of it sits perfectly together, not a single prop out of place, not a single extra underdressed, not a page of script not put to good use. It’s lit to perfection. It’s scored beautifully. So much of this show is just stunning.

And then… there is post-production. 

This is not even about bad CGI (and the CGI is, indeed, bad), it’s just that most of post-production as a whole feels rushed.

Starting with surprisingly imperfect editing, which at times just fails to make the scene flow together. The final line of dialogue would be spoken within a scene, and it would fade to black instantly without a single breath to indicate a full stop. A montage sequence would be created, but every shot within it condensed to a second, making it feel incredibly fast-paced when the effect should be the opposite. There would be a cut away from a speaking character and to the same speaking character from a slightly different angle, making it dynamic without any reason to do so. There are a couple of truly startling jump-cuts.

I did not speed this gif up. This is part of a romantic montage, edited like it’s a goddamn action sequence.

And of course dear old friend slowing down footage shot at 24FPS. Please don’t do this. You think no one notices - but we do.

There are other tell-tale signs of production rushing to the finish line: occasional, but very noticeable ADR glitches, very sloppy job done at sound mixing, which contribute to parts of the show feeling ever so slightly off.

It’s not unforgivable, but it does make me wish the same amount of care and efforts that went into shooting this drama would also go into it after it was all in the can. 

Oh, and just because if you know me you know I have a professional fixation on fights, and I am happy to say most action scenes are toe-curlingly delightful. Hot damn those fights are good. I am absolutely in love with the shot below, for example. Placing an actor behind a piece of set so he can exchange places with the stunt double during a one shot is such an old trick, but the execution, timing and camerawork are just... flawless. This is what perfection looks like.

Now we got all that out of the way...

SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES FINALE BELOW

Here’s the thing. I wanted to love the ending and I found that I could not.

The final mission was presented as important, and honestly the scene in which Zhu Yizhen is sending the vital message out as Lin Nansheng holds his ground in hand to hand fight is incredibly dynamic. Party, this is due to the fight itself being incredibly well choreographed, yes, but it’s also where it sits within the narrative, how high the stakes are for everything surrounding it. 

But then, the tension all but bleeds out. The Important Message is sent, the fight is won, and we are treated to ten minutes of a very slow car chase, problem of which is not even its speed as much as its placing within the story. As in, by this point both of those operatives have lost their cover, and completed their Very Important Mission. It would be very sad if they died, but their survival does not technically contribute to their cause. Moreover, Zhu Yizhen getting mortally injured in order to protect Lin Nansheng as part of her mission read a little empty when the mission is technically over. 

While I personally found Lin Nansheng slow recuperation and his low key ending enjoyable, I think I would have preferred to have seen a more tangible pay-off to all the sacrifices made in the name of “bright communist future”, just a little more justification for every moment of death and despair we witnessed. I would have certainly at the very least preferred to see Wang Shi’an’s death on screen. Considering how many likeable characters martyred themselves on screen, denying us the death of the one antagonist just seemed cruel. 

I really did love the ambiguity of the final few scenes however, if we consider the children choir at the end a fantasy. The idea that Lin Nansheng will live out his life in this hope that Zhu Yizhen is still alive, imagining her just outside of his field of vision, his only joy being in this fantasy of her… now, that is incredibly strong. I equally like the idea of rest being promised to him at the end of his journey, and said rest being painful, and slow and unwelcome.

But it felt like as they chose not to to lean into the “sweet” part of the bitter-sweet tone of the ending and we’re unable not commit to the “bitter” part either, so it lands with a splat which is somewhat lacklustre. 

---

This concludes my thoughts on the Rebel. 

I am more or less out of Zhu Yilong’s filmography to watch, which is probably a good thing at this point. I have just emerged out of several back to back work projects - literally today - and will hopefully once more have time for things I grew to enjoy doing during the lockdown. 

Those things, if you have not guessed, include watching Chinese television and writing things about Chinese television. 

[nomattertheoceans]

GIF REQUEST MEME: Favorite season from The 100 - Season four

I love season four for a lot of reasons!! I think it’s the best season of the show and it should have been their last (despite my love for most of s5 ^^) I’m gonna ramble a lot but I don’t want it to take over the gifset so I’ll put it under a cut

Season four is the time of hard, impossible choices for everybody. The bomb at Farm Station, the List, the Nightblood tests, opening the bunker, the anti-radiation medicine…. Everybody is put through the ringer during this season and honestly, this is what I’m here for.

First great point for me personally: They can’t stop the radiations. When season 3 ended with the reveal of the radiations coming, I was legit disappointed with the show, I didn’t want them to spend the season “turning off” radiations miraculously, you know. So when ep 2 of the season aired and the first thing Raven said was “there’s no magic button to stop this” I WAS SO HAPPY!! It immediately got me much more hyped for the rest of the season because I was invested in “riding out 5 years of hell” much more than “let’s find a magic button”. So the season hooked me then ^^

The season is really good at re-using previous themes and twist them in just the right way

Clarke, who was so angry at the council for killing her dad, finds herself in the council’s position, and starts to understand that making such hard decisions is never easy. Making the list for instance, is so different from what she had to do before. The genocide of Mt Weather was an act of despair in the middle of a war, but making the list is a process, she has to truly chose who is “worth” more, which is what the council did when they sent the 100 to the Ground. She choses to hide the truth from everybody despite it going against what she wanted at the start of the show. It’s a really cool change for her character.

The Arkers and Grounders take the decision to test the Nightblood against Luna, the Rock Line thief, and Emori’s will. An obvious reminder of s2 but that I appreciate. I liked the Mt Weather story because of this: the mountain men were the antagonists but they also were the same as the rest of the show, they were doing whatever they had to do to survive, whatever it took, no matter how cruel it could be. We see in this season that when faced with the same decision, our protagonists reach the same result: sacrificing other people’s bodily autonomy to survive is worth it to them. It’s a really interesting theme to bring back because it muddies the waters of who’s right and wrong, and it highlights that in the end, there is no black and white answer.

This season gives us my personal favorite version of Clarke: she’s the closest she’ll get to a true antagonist (only comparable to s5 but s5 is a little bit of a mess so I still prefer her in s4). She has one conviction: saving her people. And to get it, she is ready to lie, to cheat, to kill, whatever it takes. It is interesting because I always saw Clarke in that light. She always believes that she has the right idea and she will do what it takes to get what she thinks is best. That’s where she is interesting to me (I’m not interested in her being an innocent victim forced to take decisions, that’s not how I see her at all and I find her a little dull in that interpretation haha but that’s for another post). Clarke stealing the bunker is a cruel act, but man, it’s incredibly smart. At that moment she knows she’s condeming many people (some of whom very close to her) to death, but she believes deep inside her that it’s the right thing to do so she’s willing to do it. And i really prefer her in those ruthless moments.

Octavia’s arc this season isn’t my favorite, but she is at her best during the last few episodes for me. The creation of Wonkru is one of my favorite scenes of the entire show, even though I saw it coming a mile away lmao (1200 spaces, 12 clans, it was easy to see where they were going!). I love the scene, I love the place it comes from (Octavia channeling Lincoln’s convictions was brilliant). I might not agree with her decisions (skaikru definitely deserved more spots than the other clans), but it makes perfect sense for her character to make this decision. The scene of her talking to Skaikru and telling them they’re no different from the others, and they have to choose or they all die, is also one of my favorites. Octavia received no mercy on the Ark, she had a terribly tragic childhood because of those people who are now begging her for their lives, and she doesn’t budge. The Ark, and the Ground, forced her to be that way, and she doesn’t back away. It’s also all a brilliant introduction to what Wonkru and Octavia will become in s5 (but again, that’s for another post lmao)

I love that we get the introduction of Spacekru because I love their little found family and the scene where they reach the Ring is so good!

Murphy’s speech to Clarke makes me tear up everytime I see it (it really was one of the strongest moments of acting of the entire show, Richard Harmon is amazing in it). Emori also blows me away in the previous episode, the way she’s shown to be ruthless, and cunning, and also how well she reads people. She knew they would come to test someone, and she did everything she had to for that someone to not be her. I love her ^^

I like the plot of the second dawn bunker well enough! (although I will never change my mind that Cadogan was a dumbass for putting it where it is instead of IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST WHERE THERE’S NO RISK OF BUILDINGS FALLING ON IT LIKE WHAT LITERALLY HAPPENED IN S5 OKAY anyway…..), it’s far from perfect but I like that it explains the people coming to greet Becca in s3, and I like that we expand a little on the origins of the Grounders culture (even though I wanted more about this). It’s kind of an “easy” solution, but at the same time it’s not. It was established early in the season before being abandoned, and even once it’s found, it’s not at all a perfect and easy solution. They have to fight for it, decide who lives there, it’s a pretty interesting development. What I mean is that it’s not discovered one episode before the end and it doesn’t solve everything. If anything, it creates more conflict. Which I appreciate alot.

ALSO ALSO Echo is a badass general in this season and I love it. She goes from being a spy in earlier seasons, to full-on commanding armies and being a strategic mastermind and I love it! She’s also ruthless and cunning and I lvoe that for her. It’s also such a good season for her and Bellamy!!! I lvoe all of it ^^

This season also has one of my favorite underrated quotes!!!! I’m gonna use a gif here cause I’m not at the limit yet lmao

“It’s unity day.” GODDDD it’s so good. It’s simple, but it conveys so much information and I love it:

Unity Day: the stations coming together to survive -> we’re virtually in the same situation here.

It’s a happy occasion, a day of survival and hope, just like the hope Octavia gave all the clans with her decisions

But it’s also a day of death and loss. She’s giving Kane a choice: join Wonkru with 100 members, or die in the flames.

It reminds us of the history of the Arkers, and I love when world-building does this thing where both characters are shown to have such a close cultural background that three little words are enough to convey such a strong message. It’s a detail but I love it and I wanted to ramble for a little bit ^^

Clarke’s sacrifice: This is when it gets to “meh” points for the seasons for me. Clarke deciding to stay behind to save Spacekru was a good moment. Yes, I know that if she hadn’t climbed the tower they all would have died anyway, but still. It’s a great moment for her character. She has hurt those people time and time again during this season, she was ready to let them die more than once, and I think she regrets it (although again, I like to see the extremes she’s willing to reach in this season). In that moment, she doesn’t decide that it’s too late to survive so she might as well give up. She knows she’s going to die, and she gives her last moments to save the lives of the people she hurt in the past. And I really love this. That is….. Until Clarke is revealed to not have died. I truly believe that she had reached the ending of her arc in the show, and it would have been a great ending to her character. But that’s also because I believe the show should have ended in s4 lmao. If it had ended, then maybe they could have left her death ambiguois, by showing her reaching the safety of the lab, but not showing her again afterwards. That way, we had no way of being sure she survived, but it was left ambiguous enough to make us decide her fate outselves.

The perfect ending: I didn’t choose the last gif randomly. That scene of Raven and Bellamy looking down on the Earth was in my opinion the perfect shot to end the show. At that point in time, we are left in a place that is very similar to where the show started: the Earth is destroyed by radiations, some people are waiting it out in space, some people are waiting it out on the ground. it mirrors the premise of the show (although in a much smaller scale), but this time, we’re left with hope of what might come in the future. Those two groups know (or hope) that they will reunite, especially with Octavia and Bellamy, the relationship at the core of the show, being separated. If the show ends here, we have come full circle from the pilot episode, and we can imagine how those two groups will reunite in the future. I find that ending the best possible for the show, so even though there’s so much I like about season 5, I wish the show had stopped at that moment, at that shot of Raven and Bellamy looking down on the Earth.

That got reaaaaally long, so…. sorry about that xD If you’ve reached this far, feel free to tell me what you think of this season (or the others haha) or send me asks, or request for other gifsets!!!

[rattyarts]

Huge-ask post (I am VERY funny)

Because I have so many questions that can be answered with just text, and I have mentioned my dislike of filling my art blog up with Words Words Words... let’s get them all done in one go!

(You guys can blacklist #rattytalks if you’re just here for the draws, btw)

A shit ton of asks under the cut!

Anonymous said: So for the center of the world, what with it being forcefully PG and all Bad Thoughts TM being prevented, how does having kids happen? Do parents just black out and wake up holding a child in their arms and vague memories of the last 9 months?

Ever seen a movie where they do that “and one day... a baby was born!” thing and a kid just appears offscreen with no explanation?

(This is how it works everywhere, Edgelands included; no one does the do or gets pregnant in this setting.)

Anonymous said: Hello! Quick question, and sorry if you’ve answered this before, but can other elves see the “intangible” bits of one another? Big fan of your work btw!

Nope! And thank you!

Anonymous said: Leopold was in my dream last night but I sadly cannot remember any of it.

I am SO sorry. I will try to keep my stinky murder men out of your head in the future.

Anonymous said: are the floaty bits stuck in one spot, or could the one they are attached to learn to move them around their body as long as its still within a certain distance? like, someone with the Floaty limbs, lets call him Ray, can move his limbs all over his body, allowing him to do all sorts of neat things that others with their attached limbs probably couldn't?

Whatever you want, honestly. As a general rule of thumb I don’t like putting down TOO many hard rules that prevent people from having fun with this setting. (Please ignore and scrap anything you think is stupid, I do this all the time and enjoy keeping this setting inconsistent and contradictory)

Anonymous said: Do elf names work off of Death Note rules, or is it like, if you know one elf’s name, all elves with that name are now unable to harm you? So if all the elf brothers are named Martin, for example, does it only work with blue?

I think it’s prolly just the one! Probably? Idk, might change if I think of something funnier.

Anonymous said: Can elves do magic on themselves or does thst go against the knowing name rule

Most people tend to know their own names, lol. So in my opinion, no, but don’t let me stop you if you got a fun idea.

Anonymous said: Could an Elf stitch on parts from another elf and have them work? i.e an Elf's finds the arm of another Elf. "Hey, free arm, might as well put it to good use", so they attach the arm and now they can give three high fives at once!

Same deal as previous questions, I personally would say no, but I also encourage people to do whatever the hell they want. It’s more fun that way!

Anonymous said: I bet elves are greasy to the touch.

They’re very powdery! Like if you rolled them in flour. And by flour I mean nasty glowing elf dandruff.

Anonymous said: Can elves fly or are their wings just for show?

No flying!!! (Unless you’re a mousefly)

Anonymous said: Something tells me that the elves would LOVE Obatzda.

Had to look that up, but definitely!

no1fan15: Not sure if someone asked already- Does Edgeworld have any equivalent to demons and angels? Like the old rubberhose cartoon kind?

Demons, yes! That’s what imps are: basically any demon, devil, or generic monster, but tiny! Even a couple of pop culture critters in there, there’s probably a very small gillman or robot monster running around there somewhere.

Angels, not so far. 

Anonymous said: How come Margaret hasn't yeeted George's jar into the Edge yet

I’d say being locked in a closet is good enough! (and also I need him for plot reasons, don’t tell anyone)

Anonymous said: If elves have knees bulges in the front then do they have butt bulges in the back?

i do not want to think about elf bulges

Anonymous said: So if you find a baby Therewoof and you say "aw you're so cute", their true name is So Cute?

Yep!

Anonymous said: Since a Therewoof's true name can be something like "cutie pie" or "dingus", does their name have to be spoken with "intent" for it to doggo-fy them? Or do they just have to live with the reality that any casual conversation/flirting can make them lose up to a month to Doggy Mode? My mom has little terrier dog named "Sweetie" so that got me thinking 'bout Therewoof names. & Anonymous said: here's a good question: If someone says a therewoof's true name, but not reffering to them, does it still affect them?

Just saying it will do! It’s based on those old werewolf stories where calling out the person’s name will change them back into a human/cure them, and a lot of the time it was by accident.

(My favorite is the one where they slam the door on the wolf’s tail and then say his name, and the dude ends up with a wolf tail for the rest of his life.)

Anonymous said: Would Seeing eye Therewoofs be a thing?

I... guess? Probably? Since regular dogs can turn into woofs, yeah. You might have to start paying em once they turn into a person tho. 

Anonymous said: Was ChalkZone ever an inspiration for you? Because I just love the silly world of ChalkZone and I noticed getting that same warm feeling when thinking about Edgeworld.

Maaaan, I wish. I’ve only seen about three episodes or so, but it seems really fun!

Anonymous said: So I saw your mimic post, and even though I don't think I've seen any other of your art before I was absolutely HAMMERED with an indescribable sense of slightly unsettling strangeness and comfortable familiarity. Your art feels like something from like, an old point and click computer game I would have had formative memories of before accidentally losing or scratching the disc therefore making me unsure if it ever REALLY existed. Sorry for being weird but I love the wacky nostalgia feel here

Aaaaaah, THANK YOU! That is SUCH a cool comparison and I appreciate!!!

Anonymous said: If the Edgeworld is based on cartoons then is there a Reverse Edge-world that’s based on anime?

Lol, I mean I DID have an anime phase for a while there, so...

caydebug: Man I’d love to see this as a cartoon some day

Honestly, same. Best you’re gonna get is the occasional animatic or gif, tho.

Anonymous said: Does anyone..."go" in Edgeworld? or is it like Pleasantville where bathrooms exist but there are no toilets in them because acknowledging it is yucky?

Oh god I keep getting asked this and have been avoiding it like the damn plague. But... Uh. No. No they do not. I am begging you all not to send any followup questions.

Anonymous said: Have you considered putting computer viruses or illnesses in with the buggymen? Since those are typically called ‘bugs’

Sure!

Anonymous said: are there any limits to what an Animimic could posess? i.e if they were in a costume of a Buggieman with multiple arms, could they control all of them? what about a small Mousefly costume? can multiple fit into one costume like a clown car? and what about in pitch black darkness, where you can only see the lights of their eyes and not their bodies? could one fit inside the pocket of a jacket you are wearing and help you steal things/wield a gun like a living turret?

Since clothing fills into the body type of the intended wearer, they would indeed be able to control all arms/legs in buggieman clothes.

Size restrictions is one of these things I wanna try to be vague about: I personally have been imagining them sticking to hiding in things no smaller than, um. Maybe imp sized, but really, whatever. It’s a cartoon eyeball critter!

You can put multiple animimics in one outfit!

They can move around just fine in darkness without being off screen, yeah!

And sure why not. lol

Anonymous said: I know you have been asked this once before, and you said nah you don't, but with a few more months of worldbuilding, do you have an idea for what could be down the edge now? 🤔

Not really! It’s not super important, honestly. I’d say any fan theory is about as valid as anything else I can come up with.

ps2polpo: I doubt you’ll ever elaborate on The Edge but I like to imagine there’s just one dude there like the Nowhere Man from the Yellow Submarine movie. Mostly cause the thought of someone accidentally winding up there being like “where am I?” And there’s just a guy casually waving at him like a friendly neighbor is funny to me & Anonymous said: The implication that the Edge is the physical manifestation of edginess so there’s probably like, Trevor Henderson monsters hanging out down there.

See above question! Valid! I also accept falling forever, getting erased from existence, ending up in another universe, getting stuck in limbo with thousands of other people, whatever you want, really!

Anonymous said: " he has very few bones and weighs basically nothing, " "Fastball special" trope, but with Leo?

YEET THE NASTY MAN

Anonymous said: did you ever watch dragon tales as a kid? because george and margaret make me think of murderous zak and wheezie from that show, and i love it to bits

I did not, but I would have loved it. Definitely up my alley!

(watched Quest for Camelot a loooot, though!)

Imma go ahead and stop here! There’s more but I’ve been writing for well over an hour and I have things to do. If your question is missing I’m either saving it for later, wasn’t entirely sure how to answer, or it’s spoilery.

Will probably do another one of these at some point!

[touchstarvedsam]

So.... what are your thoughts on spn 11X17 "Red Meat"? 😉

An anon after my own heart! Brace yourselves, it’s a long one, sorry.

Red Meat��is my comfort episode. I watch it when I’m feeling down, or when I need an escape. Sometimes I forget that Andrew Dabb is one of the writers because the episode is so brother -- and Sam in general -- positive. It’s definitely one of my favorite episodes, one that I will never get over. It’s one of those episodes that if I see anything about it on my dash, it’s an immediate reblog.

So, let’s recap, highlights mostly, yes?

The episode literally starts out mid-battle, which is cool on its own, but Sam is so incredibly badass. His high kick, and then headbutting the werewolf, just-- GAH. I can never get enough of badass Sam Winchester, okay?

Sam gets shot within two minutes, and if any of you know me, you know that hurt!Sam or Sam whump of any kind is my motherfucking jam. He’s my favorite character, whom I’ve loved for half of my life, and any time he’s in anguish it brings me life. Not because I enjoy seeing him hurt, but because I love when Dean worries about him.

Dean kills the werewolf that shot Sam before Sam even hit the ground, then he was at Sam’s side and digging the bullet out. Dean worrying about Sam literally feels like my life force repleting.

I also love how the scenes are played out of order. I like the aspect of that. Flashing back to Sam telling Dean about the case and Dean being reluctant. Their roles really revered, huh? It used to be Sam saying they should continue with hunting down the big bad and not going on random hunts, now Sam wants to keep on saving people on those random hunts, to keep them busy when they’re stumped on how to beat the current big bad.

In the second cabin, Corbin suggests they keep going “those of us who can” and Dean whirls on him so fast with the “what’d you say?”

Pure, unadulterated, protective big brother. The you suggest we leave my brother, I’ll fucking kill you big brother look. The I know over a hundred ways to kill a man big brother look. The no one fucks with Sammy big brother look.

Dean shoves Corbin, then, ever the selfless man Sam Winchester is, Sam suggests they leave him, get Corbin and Michelle to safety, and then Dean can come back for him. Dean’s reaction, again, is pure big brother and I love it so much. He wants to carry Sammy. My whole heart. T.T

Dean fighting with branches sticking off a tree trunk, angrily hitting the tree, then stopping for a moment to breathe and calm himself because he knows losing it won’t help Sam.

Calming himself down before he gets back to the cabin. T.T

Sam -- dying, short of breath, wheezing -- begs Corbin to go find Dean so they can leave without him. Sam has never once put himself before others, even now when he should because of how hurt he is, and how much blood he is losing, and still he doesn’t. There isn’t a single character in this show more selfless than Sam, and this episode proved that.

Corbin suffocating Sam, and then Dean walking in to find Sam completely lifeless. I cry every fucking time Dean starts shaking Sam. (Not gonna lie, it gives me Simba trying to wake Mufasa vibes, and that hurts really bad, too, man.) Just, the look on Dean’s face. The heartbreak, the tears...

The way he says “Sammy?” broken, shattered.

Dean making the decision to stay and die fight since it’s because of the werewolves that he lost his little brother. This man literally cannot and will not live without his brother. It’s ingrained in his system, engraved on his bones and in his skin, that he never wants to be in a world where Sam is no longer alive. He can’t physically or emotionally endure that pain.

This is the face of a man who has given up, who doesn’t want to live because Sam isn’t, but right here, I think at the very last moment, Dean remembers that Sam would want him to save these people. So he makes his decision.

“I’m gonna come back for you, okay?” He gives Sam this broken, quarter smile, then says, “I promise.” Then the shaky way he repeats “okay” two more times, then pats Sam on the chest and gets up fucking shatters me in a million pieces.

His last look at Sam before leaving him... with the tears! It literally makes me tear up. This whole episode is just chock full of painful pining.

Dean punches a sheriff! I still don’t understand why he didn’t just say “my brother’s body is in a cabin in the middle of the woods and I need to get back to him” but this is Dean, and Winchesters never really do anything the easy way. I do enjoy him angrily punching a sheriff because he wants to get back to Sammy, though. It’s a highlight, okay.

Then! As if this episode didn’t already give us the gift of badass!Sam and hurt!Sam and pining!Dean! It gives us the ultimate proof that Sam is the Juliet to Dean’s Romeo! It’s canon! Canon, I say! Canon! Dean kills himself with pills to talk to Billie -- to make a deal, to sacrifice himself, anything to bring Sam back -- and roundabout the exact same time, Sam wakes up!

Dean: “Tell the doc to bring me back if she can... if not, no hard feelings.” Dean literally does not care if he lives or dies! He just wants Sam! Be still, my heart. The man pines for his little brother, and his little brother alone.

The whole exchange with Billie:

“We need to talk about Sam.”

“What about Sam?”

“I need him back.”

“Back?”

“Stop playing. Look, you got him, I need him, let’s make a deal.”

“Pass.”

Then we have Dean saying that Sam’s the only one that can stop the Darkness. It just. It feels so good to hear Dean say that, okay. Sam being recognized in any light is just very important to me.

“It’s cute, though, you pretending to save Sam for the greater good when we both know you’re doing it for you. You can’t lose him.” That’s it, that’s the whole show.

“I’m asking you... I’m begging you, please. Bring him back... Bring him back and take me instead.” I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over codependent brothers.

Then! Such glorious, such beautiful, such badass hurt!Sam! Gets himself on his feet and takes on not one, but two werewolves! With all the blood he’s lost, and the immense pain he’s in, he literally fights for his life and wins! There is not a more badass character on the planet, and I would give my life to protect that truth as gospel.

He steals their pickup, gets to the Impala, and calls Dean who literally just heard from Billie that Sam wasn’t dead. Also, can I just say that I really do like Billie? She is cool as all fuck.

Sam practically falling out of the truck is one of my favorite things. His legs move like a newborn fawn as he stumbles over towards the Impala, towards safety and Dean.

The unadulterated relief on Dean’s face when he hears Sam’s voice. God, I love these brothers so fucking much. They love each other so fucking much. I can’t believe Dabb wrote an entire Wincest episode, wow. Such a goddamn gift.

Then the panic on Dean’s face once again when he loses signal with Sam. And honestly the way Sam can even see straight and drive himself to the urgent care is phenomenal in and of itself. Is there anything this man cannot do? I think not!

The Sam saves Dean, shooting Corbin before finally giving in to the pain and collapsing. I will forever love the way he falls to the ground, the way his legs just kind of give out and he just hits the floor is amazing to me. I wish I could make gifs because I’d fucking gif the way he falls. It’s both graceless and graceful at the same time, if that makes any sense.

 “I watched the man I love die... there’s no normal after that.” Dean feels her words more than anyone else, apart from Sam. Because he’s seen Sam die multiple times, and even though Sam is alive, Dean’s still not normal, he’s still not fixed. He gets that. He knows that a part of him will always be broken just because he’s watched Sam die, more than once. He’s never, ever going to be over losing Sam, even when Sam’s standing right beside him. Not to make light of the situation, but this made me think of the “Stop telling everyone I'm dead!” “I can still hear his voice” meme.

Dean helping Sam down the stairs with a hand on his back brings me the utmost joy. If I could gif, I’d make a gif of that, too.

Sam asking what Dean did when he thought Sam was dead, and giving him this ridiculously adorable squinty face!:

His little “I know you did something stupid because you’re making jokes” squint. Always sees right through his big brother.

I’m sorry for the lack of Sam caps. This episode was literally gigantic amounts of pining!Dean. He literally just wanted to be with Sam the entire episode, and Dean’s emotional anguish because he lost Sammy is such an important part of the episode. So many brother moments without the brothers being near each other. I will love this episode until the day I die and even then I will carry it with me into the afterlife to play on repeat forever and ever.

Thanks for the ask, anon! And sorry my post is so long. Red Meat is just really fucking important to me.

[castielstiddies]

Okay so I'm balling over this goddamn song and destiel and I need to let you all know why so here it is: An Analysis of the Lyrics and Why They Fit Destiel Perfectly.

I just want to point out that Andrew Rannells (Whizzer) and Christian Borle (Marvin) perform this perfectly and I love them.

This is a very long post so be warned before you press that button.

It's important to have context so we can connect these two pairings together properly and bring more meaning out of this song like it deserves. So the main part of the synopsis says:

"Marvin, after Whizzer’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Whizzer has changed his life. Whizzer’s spirit come back, dressed as he was in the first scene, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Now let me just change some words here and we'll see how we all feel:

"Dean, after Cas’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Cas has changed his life. Cas’s spirit come back, dressed in his trenchcoat, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Are you crying yet? Don't worry we haven't even seen the lyrics yet.

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"[MARVIN]" Now I'd like to start off by saying that Marvin has been with both men and women and he's struggled with his own internalized homophobia and has found it difficult to openly love Whizzer throughout the show. The parallels are clear between Marvin and Dean.

"What would I do If I had not met you?" You can think of this two ways. One - What would Dean have done if Cas had not met him in Hell and saved him? Still getting tortured or more likely torturing others, an experience that he hated and wished to never live through again. The second (and I think better) way to think of this line is, when Dean met Cas on earth. How meeting Cas changed his life forever, opening him up to a whole new world of having someone who thought that he deserved to be saved and who gave up an entire army for him. Who proved his love and loyalty to him time and time again. So what would Dean have done if he had never met Cas on Earth? What if Cas never reached out to him after saving Dean from Hell? A little bit later in this verse Marvin sings...

"There are no answers"

...in regards to this question. Because there really are no answers to what would Dean have done without Cas because we simply can't imagine it. The same goes for Dean. Cas has changed his life so much that it's impossible to imagine what his life would be like without Cas.

"Who would I blame my life on?" When Christian Borle delivers this line on stage it's said with a small, sad laugh. Similar to how Dean uses humour to hide his feelings, Marvin does too.

"Once I was told That all men get what they deserve Who the hell then threw this curve?" Despite everything Cas has done wrong, Dean and all of us know that Cas did not get what he deserved when the Empty took him. We believe he deserved to be happy with Dean and Dean thinks so too.

"There are no answers But who would I be If you had not been my friend?" The word 'friend' here is what really ties it to Dean for me because they were friends first, they helped eachother through thick and thin before love started to seep in as well. Sure there was attraction from the beginning but it's about the fact that Dean's only shown to have one true, close best friend, and that's Cas.

"You're the only one One out of a thousand others Only one my child would allow" Alright so this line I did struggle to link to destiel, I was thinking about Jack and Claire but they're Cas's children. But what if we think of the 'child' as Sam. Dean raised Sam so it's easy to see him as his 'child' and it's important to Dean that Sam accepts the people that he's friends with. This is even more important with Cas because Dean may want to have a relationship with him in the future and also Cas lives in the bunker... with them. Dean definitaly needs Sam's permission if he wants Cas to live in their home. It's clear that Cas and Sam are the people Dean cares about the most and to have Sam 'allow' Cas to stay in their home and share their space is something that's really important to Dean.

"When I'm having fun You're the one I wanna talk to" Cue every gif of Dean smiling while hanging out with Cas or talking to Cas over the phone.

"Where have you been?" Where has Cas been for all of Dean's life? He completes Dean, builds up his self-confidence and assures him that he is wanted, needed and important. Just where has Cas been for all of Dean's life?

"Where are you now? So on this note there's a beautiful key change into the next part and it just makes it so much more profound. (Also Dean has no gosh darn clue where Cas is, who tf is the Empty?)

"Who would I be If I had not loved you?" This moment is fucking beautiful. It's Dean finally speaking his truth and telling Cas, wherever he is, that he loved him. He loved Cas and that changed him for the better, made him into the person he is today.

"How would I know what love is?" Dean has never been told so openly and honestly by anyone about how he is important, he's worthwhile and that he deserves to live a happy and full life, no one has done that besides Cas. No one has shown their loyalty and love to him in the most blatant and profound ways possible, giving up an entire army, rebelling against their own family, sticking by his side no matter what. Staying. How would Dean know what true love is without Cas constantly showing him what love means and what it feels like be loved fully and truly. Of course Dean has experienced love before, he's been in at least 2 other relationships (that I can think of off of the top of my head) but he's never felt love like the way he does with Cas.

"God only knows, too soon I'll remember your faults Meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz" Of course as Dean relives memories of Cas, he'll be reminded of all of his faults, all of the things he did wrong even when he thought that what he was doing was right (Leviathians, Lucifer). But for now, Dean will breakdown and cry and grieve but most of all he'll remember Cas and how much he loved him.

"[WHIZZER]" Alright so Whizzer is a character who has never been shy about his sexuality, about how much he likes being with men. Similar to Cas who simply doesn't understand why people hide who they're attracted to until Dean came along and taught him differently.

"All your life you've wanted men" I like to think that this line applies to both Cas and Dean and I'll explore that with the next two lines.

"And when you got it up to have them Who knew it could end your life?" This is getting a bit meta now. When Dean was so very close to finally speaking his truth on screen, he died. (And in some versions he does speak his truth but that's another story). There was no reason for Dean to die in the finale, who knew that when he finally shared that he loved another man he would be killed for no reason two episodes later.

This line can also be in reference to Cas's experience. When Cas was finally able to tell Dean that he loved him, when he finally gained to courage to not only share his feelings but also to have his happiness ripped away from him, he died. Dean and Cas both knew what was going to happen when Cas said those words. It wasn't a surprise, yet it still felt like one.

"[MARVIN] I left my kid and left my wife" This is the moment when I could not stop crying and thinking about destiel when listening to this song. Dean left Lisa and (totally not) his son in season 5.

"To be with you" Of course it's a little bit of a stretch to say that Dean left Lisa and Ben solely for Cas (expecially since I think Dean realised his love for Cas in Season 7-8 so the timeline wouldn't make sense for me) but I like to think of this line from the perspective of Dean grieving Cas and looking back on how Cas changed his life. Of course he would remember that he left Lisa and Ben in order to be with Cas because that was 10 years ago and the memory is now muddled with grief, time and his now unwavering love for Cas. "To be insulted by such handsome men" This line just reminds me of the scene in the car when Cas and Dean are arguing (you know what I'm on about)

"[WHIZZER] Do you regret—?" Cas is asking Dean, do you regret loving me? Do you regret letting me into your life? Do you regret our friendship? It's beautiful to think that Cas feels vulnerable in this moment, he thinks that Dean regrets letting him into his life.

"[MARVIN] I'd do it again I'd like to believe that I'd do it again And again and again..." Now Dean's the one to build Cas back up, to assure him that he does not regret a thing. He's building up Cas's confidence and supporting him just like Cas has been doing for Dean.

"And What more can I say? [WHIZZER] What more can I say?" They're both lost for words, what do they say now? They know that they love eachother and they know that they won't be able to be together because of Cas's deal. What do you say in that situation?

"[MARVIN] How am I to face tomorrow?" Dean still has to continue living, without Cas. In 15x19 he's drowning himself in beer as he grieves the loss of Cas. How can he face tomorrow after Cas has confessed his love for him and then died in a matter of minutes? How can he face tomorrow knowing that saying that he loves Dean, that by having Dean know that someone loves him, is the happiest moment Cas has ever felt?

"[BOTH] After being screwed out of today" Haha screw...

"Tell me what's in store" They're still looking to eachother for guidance and support despite the distance between them.

"[MARVIN] Yes, I'd beg or steal or borrow" Dean's turning to things that he can control in order to deal with his grief. Despite the finale ending I think it's widely accepted in the Destiel fandom that Dean would work night and day until he got Cas back from the empty.

"If I could hold you for One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [MARVIN] One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [BOTH] One hour, one hour more" Now that they know that they both love eachother, that they could have had everything they wanted if they just told one another. They're begging all of the higher powers that there are that they could enjoy what could have been for one hour. Simply relishing in the fact that they are happy and in love and that they are both wanted.

"[MARVIN] What would I do [WHIZZER] What would I do [MARVIN] If I had not seen you? [WHIZZER] If I had not seen you? [BOTH] Who would I feast my eyes on?" Once again I'm just thinking about the idea of that 'one hour more' and how they would constantly compliment one another and freely look at each other without shame or embarrassment and to just allow themselves to have everything that they wanted.

"Once I was told That good men get better with age [MARVIN] We're just gonna skip that stage" This can be seen two ways, one is that Cas simply cannot age and Dean is once again using humour to hide his grief. Or my favourite version which is that Dean never got to grow old with Cas, (I strongly believe that Cas would allow his vessel to grow old with Dean). Dean wanted to live a normal life, he wanted to get a job and stop hunting but most of all he wanted to grow old with Cas.

If you watch the live version of this song here: https://youtu.be/ZscL4LOLP7Y

You'll hear how Christian Borle's voice cracks when delivering this line. The rest of the lyrics are repeats of lines that I've already covered.

And I'm done boys. Thank you for sticking with this very very long post but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I highly recommend watching Falsettos for yourself if you want to get a better insight into how Marvin/Whizzer and Destiel compare or if you just like the look of it.

[summernightskyy]

My Top The 100 Men

So, @nomattertheoceans​ tagged me to post about my Top 5 The 100 Women, and while I was doing that, I got curious about who her Top 5 The 100 Men are (I’m almost positive I know at least one person who would be on her list, and I think he might even be number 1 haha). So I decided to do my own and then tag her in this! This was very hard, but in a different way from the women for me. I knew who my number one was, no doubt. But #2-5? I love every character on this list a lot, so really almost everyone else is tied for second place hehe.

1. Bellamy Blake

Oh Bellamy. My journey with him has been a long one. I started out the series nearly hating him, but then as we got to see the motivation behind his actions, I started to not only understand the character, but love him. Now, he’s one of my favorite characters across all media - potentially even my absolute favorite male character of all time. He’s an extremely nuanced character, and I love getting to see different sides of him. I love getting to see a lead male character express emotion the way he does (and not just anger); I love seeing a male lead get to cry, and not be portrayed as weak I think we need that more on TV and in movies. I grieve for the childhood both of the Blake siblings had, and I’m so proud of them (is it weird to say I’m proud of a fictional character?) for turning out the way they have. Bellamy, who was burdened with so much at such a young age, who probably never thought he would get to have a life outside of Aurora and Octavia, for fear of Octavia getting discovered. Octavia, who knew nobody outside of her brother and mother for what, like 15 years? Who probably thought she’d never get to have a life of her own either? (Ugh, I get so annoyed when I start thinking a little too much about Aurora and the decisions she made. She doomed both her children. I don’t know how she thought either of them, especially Octavia, would ever have normal fulfilling lives. If Octavia hadn’t been sent to the ground, they wouldn’t have.) Yeah, they’ve both lost their way at times, but I LOVE the Blakes (especially the eldest one haha). Season 7 has been pretty good so far, but I somehow became even more aware of just how much Bellamy (and B.ob, because he’s an amazing actor and portrays Bellamy so well B.ob antis DNI!!!! Regardless of what anyone thinks about him as a person, I think he’s a great actor) brings to the show for me with his extremely limited presence so far this season. I really enjoyed 7x11, even if it ended up with my boy being brainwashed. I stood by him even after he wrongfully and stupidly participated in the grounder army massacre, and I’m sure as heck gonna stand by him now too. @clarkegriffinlovebot​ said they would watch Bellamy Blake watch paint dry for 45 minutes, and I totally agree. (Is it weird that I’m tagging you? I don’t know you and I’ve never interacted with you past liking that post, but I wanted to give you credit haha) The show is just so much better for me when this adorable mythology and history nerd is in it.

2. Nathan Miller

Onto number 2! I chose Miller because although we *unfortunately* haven’t seen much of him or delve into his character that much, I’ve loved all the little bits we’ve gotten to see. He’s just so sassy and snarky, and I love it, in addition to him being loyal (sometimes to a fault) and trustworthy (lmao, that’s funny considering he’s a thief - but I don’t know, in my eyes he’s trustworthy when it counts 😂). I love him, and him hating all the planets they’ve been to is so, so relatable. I would be just entirely done and tired as well. I also really enjoy Millamy and Millarke as brotps (although I don’t think I’d mind if Millamy was a romantic ship haha). There’s quite a few things I would change about this show, but two of the things highest on that list would be 1) making Jarod Joseph part of the main cast so we could properly explore Miller as a character and give him his own full story line(s) and 2) making Miller x Monty canon, even if it was just for a little bit! Marper was cute, and Mackson is alright, but I think these two would have been cuter, and I’m so salty the show didn’t go down that route, especially since both Jarod and Christoper Larkin seemed to be on board.

Also, I really need to learn how to make my own gifs, because I was really hoping to find one with Miller saying “In other words, get the flock out of here!” I actually died during that moment. Maybe someone did make one, but if they did, I didn’t see it. That’s fine, though. I needed motivation to start trying anyways, because its something I’ve always wanted to do.

3. Gabriel Santiago

Everyone else on this list has been on the show since season 1, and I definitely didn’t expect to love a character who was introduced in the penultimate season as much as I love Gabriel. At the end of season 6, I was really hoping they’d keep Gabriel around, so I was super happy to hear they were going to, and I haven’t been disappointed. I love how he literally seems to thirst for knowledge. (I clearly have a thing for attractive, nerdy guys, okay?) I also find it incredibly brave that he pushed so hard for the Primes to stop what they were doing, because he had to know that all of them, including the love of his life, would turn on him. It was obvious that Ryker wasn’t fully okay with what was happening either, but he didn’t do what Gabriel did and fully renounce the practice. He clearly has a pretty strong moral compass, even if he was lead astray from it for awhile. I also really liked seeing him bond with Echo, Hope and Orlando. He’s smart, hot as hell, subtly funny, and not afraid to do what’s right even if that’s gonna end up making the people he cares about mad at him. 

4. Monty Green

Monty has been one of my favorites from the jump, and I miss him so much. He’s just so adorable and kind, and literally one of the best people on this show. He suffered through and lost so much, and I wish we could have had more focus on him dealing with those traumas. I hate that we never really got to see how he dealt with what happened at Mount Weather. The focus tends to be mostly on Clarke and Bellamy, but even then mostly Clarke. I think it’s easy to forget that while, yes, they pulled the lever, Monty made pulling that lever possible so he could save his friends. We also don’t really get to see much about him dealing with the trauma of having to kill his own mother, and even Jasper’s suicide was relatively swept under the rug. I mentioned earlier that there’s quite a few things I would change about this show, and when it comes to Monty, I wish we could have seen him process these events and heal. I also think credit for saving the day tends to go to Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia and Raven - but Monty has been instrumental in many instances. Those five, in my opinion make up the core five characters of the show, and honestly, the show hasn’t been the same without Monty. I love Jordan, he’s adorable and genuinely good just like his dad (and mom) but Monty’s part of the soul of the show to me. Also, how cute is it that Monty taught Jordan Korean?!? (I really think Jordan might be onto something about Cadogan and the Disciples interpreting the text incorrectly - so look at that, Monty might indirectly save the day again)

Also, shout out to @thelovelylights​ for making this gif - it’s one of my favorite moments of Monty, I’ve been following her for a long time, and her blog is amazing.

5. John Murphy

Honestly, I didn’t realize just how much I’d come to like and care about Murphy as a character until this season. I’ve been sooo stressed out watching every single episode he’s been in, worrying that he would end up dying. I’m a sucker for well depicted character growth / redemption arcs, (I mean lol, there’s a reason that some of my favorite characters include Bellamy Blake, Zuko, and Jaime Lannister), and Murphy’s had a great one. He was such a dick in season 1 who, unlike Bellamy - who clearly cared about Octavia at least, really seemed not to care about anyone but himself. It’s been so amazing to see him grow into the person he is now; a person who cares so much about the lives of random people, who was genuinely scared when he realized Madi was in danger, who reassured to her that she was safe and helped calm her down. I really hope the theories about a Memori baby end up becoming canon, because Memori has grown sooo much over the course of this series and they would be absolutely amazing parents.

Honorable mention: Lincoln Kom Trikru

Lincoln was just such a great character. I miss him so much 😭

Tagging @nomattertheoceans​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do this!! 

[bellamyblake]

Hi Iva! First of all I would like to say - thank you for loving Bellamy so much, it means so much to me to read your posts and feel the same love I have for him. The way I wholheartedly with your every word... about his tragic life, his immense love, everything. On the other hand, you must hurt a lot judging by myself - I honestly cannot stop crying multiple times a day. I do not know how to make the pain stop. I dont know how much more I can handle, its not getting better but actually worse p1

P2 when I think about in details about his life like you did – his life had no happy beginning, or middle, and certainly not the end. Maybe only as a baby boy before O was born. I don’t know how to deal with the fact the character that I genuinely believe had it the worst ended up with the worst possible ending as a reward for honestly trying to do better. Like if he at least experienced love and understanding from O or SOMETHING… but she never got to tell him sorry for beating him up,

P3 that now she understands what he did for her… I am gonna go crazy over this, honestly. I wanna stop crying and enjoy fanfiction with much better ending for him. Where should I find solace? Was his death at least quick, maybe he did not have time to think about what happened? Is there an afterlife where Aurora waited for him? Was that what I can hope for when Aurora was NEVER explained, she was not an alien so what was she? But he also sow Cadogan in the same scene and he was alive then?

P4 Should I watch 5x13 on loop to get in my head this was the ending? Should I teach myself to edit and do some manip for the ending? My only way of coping is seeing other people, blogs like yours that love him just as much. But I keep crying and feeling utterly miserable ☹I am 27 I never spend so much time loving any character (fun fact, It must be around 3 500 hours for me reading ff, watching the show and fan edits and tumblr posts). I know Bellamy will always and forever be the one beloved

P5 one beloved character of mine and no one will ever come close. Bellarke, the same – they were my OTP. The only one. I need to do something about this cause I am loosing my damn mind… I could handle almost anything, I would cry, yes, but I was absolutely sure of one thing - no matter their ending, sad or happy, in some sense they would do it together… and we got THAT. Does anything help you? I am so sorry for dumping this on you but reading your posts - its like hearing my soul.

Hello!

First of all thank you for the kind words and for enjoying my blog so much. 

I really do love Bellamy Blake a whole damn LOT. Like a damn LOT hah. I think that’s pretty obvious by the posts I make even if they’re not as many lately because I’m mentally not doing well right now. But that same love you feel, I feel it too and I’m glad I’m not alone in this.

I also get angry too and I cry a lot still about the way things ended. I also have not spent that much time in my life invested in a fictional character before so this is a lot for me as well and I get how you feel.

You asked me if something helps and for me it helps a lot to write you know? Be it meta or fanfiction, I indulge myself a lot in writing. 

It’s funny that even when I write fics I don’t write happy fics, you’d think that I’d make him absolutely happy in what I write but I don’t. But indulging yourself in a world of your creation with this character helps a lot. And it’s fun too, to do this, to build a world for him, a different one-be it with Clarke or with a family of his own or Idk just with anyone. Giving him love that he never had and joy he never felt. I think that helps me a lot and it helps me forget how he died and how much it hurts (I wanna say that even typing this makes me cry hah, so...).

I also like to rewatch some episodes that were more about him as a character and then meta in my head. That usually gets me sad too but it’s also exciting to think about some of the stuff that happened and dive in the psychologity of his character (which I do a lot) LOL. But that’s mostly painful. I don’t get many asks about him and meta stuff so I mostly do it in my head on my own and dive into the world of direction and how things were done and love making sense of them. 

Headcanons are something I love doing too though I haven’t written (or posted) much lately. In fact I haven’t posted anything lately because Idk...I’m not sure that sharing everything you create is good these days. people got so judgemental over time, the way actors and cast are threated is horrible but it extends to the entire fandom and its participants so it’s ugly and dark and horrible and I think stops a lot of people from posting gifs or fics or anything at all. But that’s another subject.

So yes writing helps me a lot. Reading fics helps me a lot. I’m not sure what the recipe is here because honestly I am in the same boat as you. I love this character more than anything and any other that I’ve loved and been in a fandom before so...this is hard for me too. And it’s fucked up. 

I also love making gifs for him though I don’t make anything good or special. Gifs I think can be lots of fun but also pain too-fun cause when you go to gif a moment you can rewatch half the episode (at least I do) and sad cause it can bring you some pain but at the end giffing is really Idk..rewarding. Except when people don’t reblog shit so that’s discouraging too hah.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be a debbie downer.

To tell you the truth after years of being on here and in fandoms I realized this-I can create to soothe my soul from the pain, like from losing Bellamy but I don’t have to seek validation from people and post it. I can do it just to heal myself and not share it. When you share it what? You just get disappointed. That’s why I have 230 drafts. Half of them are unpublished headcanons. some of them are published fics with few readers or readers who yelled at me for writing sad stuff. the other half is stories i’ll never post. So I guess my advice is-

find something to get your hands on, to create, be it editing, giffing, writing, something to let the grief out, to soothe the wound inside you. and then you can decide if you want to share it or not. and even if you don’t it was inspired by the best character ever. 

He was loved, he deserved more, he did. But you can create worlds where he has more.

He can be held by his mom as a baby, he can be tucked in, he can be climbing up her leg and reaching for her arms, he can be cranky when he had his first tooth, or sad when he had to go to day care, he can be scared before his first exam and anxious as he grew up. He can be having nightmares and not sleeping when O was born, he can be terrified and feeling alone. He can have friends and be hugged and loved and have a first kiss, he can live in a house by the ocean with clarke with two beautiful kids and a dog and a cat for her cause she loves cats. Or he can be alone curled up in his bed just crying his grief away.

He can be anything that you wished for him, anywhere you wished for. 

Hope I helped some! 

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

ten different female faves from ten different fandoms 

@isabellaofparma, thank you so much for tagging me!!  💕 i can’t keep up with your stunning gifs (of very good characters), so i am just doing a list here; however I still wanted this to be interesting so i added a song to each character that reminds me of them. this was a lot of fun! 

i am also tagging @vishcount  and @the-cloud-whisperer ,if you feel like doing it! have fun with it, either by doing a simple list of anything else that pops up in your head  💕

it goes in no specific order under the cut:

Sana Bakkoush

SKAM

SKAM is a show with many fantastic characters and it was difficult to choose only one of the girls because i absolutely adore all of them. but i must admit that sana has always owned my heart from the start - she is my queen and i was very excited for her season. i loved it in the end, though i wish they had done many things differently. i just regret that a lot of the focus was taken away from her. also i miss her

Fighting by Meryem Aboulouafa 

Toph Beifong 

Avatar: The Last Airbender

i was torn between mai and toph, but in the end toph one. i have loved her ever since i was little and she is everything i aspired to be back then. i don’t think it is necessary to list all the things that are great about her, she just owns my heart 

Stronger (feat. Loco, MINO) by Code Kunst

Consort Jing 

Nirvana in Fire 

NIF is a great show with an amazing set of female characters. i contemplated this a lot, considering mu nihuang, qin banruo and grand princess li yang, though consort jing won in the end. I love how much involvement she has in the entire show, how she has her own motives and also has such a huge loving heart. I would love to know more about herself and her past. 

Carry You by Novo Amor

Blue Sargent 

The Raven Cycle

maggie stiefvater created some of the best characters i know, and here as well i don’t feel like i have to explain why i adore blue. she feels so very real to me and accompanied me through my last year of highschool. it just hits very close to home, even when i did not have a fantastic adventure hunting a dead welsh king 

The Suburbs by Arcade Fire 

Luna Lovegood

 Harry Potter 

my lifelong fandom that will remain forever (even if jkr acts like an absolute asshole). luna has always resonated with me, i love her so much. she always gave me comfort, because i too have been a bit of an outsider and i felt comfort in knowing an amazing whimsical girl like her could be important.

Strawberry Blond by Mitski

Billie Potts 

Doctor Who 

i contemplated hard between rose tyler and billie potts, because i love them in two very different ways. rose is my heart and her era of doctor who was my favourite to be honest - the whole russel t davis era tbh. but i absolutely adore billie, because i can relate to her a lot and i was so happy about the storylines they picked for her. this way it made the last season with capaldi so enjoyable for me, after i had lost interest in the previous season. i honestly wish billie had stayed for longer, but i adore whittaker’s crew so much as well. this show is just filled to the brim with people i love and honestly, i should watch the newest season at some point

This Modern Love by Bloc Party

Luo Qingyang (MianMian) 

The Untamed 

i am absolute the untamed trash, though on the female characters front they are very weak. i love all the girls in theory, but i feel like they were never properly fleshed out and don’t feel quite real to me, only being relevant in relation to the men surrounding them (and killing them all off doesn’t really help either). but mianmian absolutely owns my heart and i guess she also forms the exception in this show. she has her own voice, she stands up for what she believes in and gains her independence in the end. also i am crushing hard on her, wish i could move with her into a small cottage and just tend to our garden while she goes night hunting 

Things Are Better by PVRIS

Farah Black 

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency 

this is another show with an amazing set of characters. i like how all the female characters are written but i have a special soft spot for farah. she is a true badass but also so sensitive and i just relate to her anxiety so much okay. she is just wonderful and suddenly i feel like i wanna rewatch the show. 

Till Death by Japanese Breakfast

Ellie Miller 

Broadchurch

i binged all three seasons of broadchurch in three days last year and let me tell you, it was truly a ride. everyone feels so real in this show, and i especially adore the relationship between ellie miller and alec hardy. i love the platonic friendship so much and appreciate it a ton. sigh i miss this show, its vibes were impeccable and it was wonderfully heartbreaking

Oceans by RY X, Olafur Arnalds

Claire Fraser 

Outlander

i have to admit i have not yet finished all seasons, i stopped after season 2 and somehow lost it from my view. it actually took some time warming up to claire in the first few episodes, but at some point i was dragged into the whole story. i feel very ambivalent about her but i think this also makes for a great character, and after two seasons, she grew on me. if i would rewatch it now, i am not sure if i would still like her, or what my opinion is, but i am definitely attached to her and this show

Landmarks by All the Luck in the World

[paintedrecs]

@mad-madam-m​ tagged me in the “list 5 OTPs from 5 fandoms” meme a couple days ago, which I laughed at her for because (a) she knows my otps FULL WELL (b) our lists are very nearly an exact match (which i am by the way delighted about because half my list right now is full of rare pairs, and I have never before known the hell of treading that landscape alone)

but!

I’m gonna do the meme and double it up as an announcement of what I am currently into and what you’re likely to see on this blog if I start picking up my activity levels a little.

I honestly have no idea how active tumblr is at this point - how many of you are still around, and how many of you I might lose if I start reblogging my other fandoms in addition to Sterek - but after doing a Pillowfort experiment for a while, I think I’ve finally figured out how to use social media again in a way that works better for me.

My old method, before tumblr kinda imploded and fandom got weird (filled with antis and ship hate and constant infighting, ugh why), was to create a separate blog for everything I was into, which is why I have appreciatederek, appreciateshiro, appreciatejack, and...is that it? See, this is why I need to stop scattering myself into a zillion different pieces.

So I’m going to consolidate more (like I do on twitter and now Pillowfort), and also hopefully get back to my fandom roots: digging into more meta, like I did 8 years ago when I first fell in love with Sterek, and posting fic recs, like I also did thanks to Sterek. (And sharing my own fics as I write them. Guess which fandom pushed me down that path, too.)

So it’s fitting that the first ship on this list is...well, an obvious one.

1. STEREK (Teen Wolf)

Y’all know this one. Sterek will always, always be the OTP of my heart. I love their dynamic. I love the creativity and passion of the fandom. I love that they brought my writing back to me and introduced me to so many of you.

I still have dozens of Sterek fic ideas; quite a few of them are partially written or have significant outlines, so at some point I will still be writing them. Life is just, as you know, very busy and very tiring and it’s so hard to fit everything into my days. I’m working on it, I promise. 

I’d like to start doing more updates with snippets of my upcoming fics, maybe a lil Q&A if anyone wants to chat about what I’m working on/my thought process behind what I’ve already written/what you’d like to see from me, etc. Interactive fun stuff! Sterek fandom is still the best and most supportive fandom I’ve ever been a part of, and it makes me happy every time I’m reminded we’re all still around and thriving.

And here’s some of the other stuff I’m into right now...

2. XANATOWEN (Gargoyles)

I have been sailing this ship entirely by myself since January, recently joined by the aforementioned M, who also created this gif for me while she was still in the patient “I’m your friend, I will listen to you yelling about this show” stage. (ha ha ha look at her now, that’s what you get)

I’ve been genuinely holding myself back from spamming tumblr with my thoughts about this show and this ship, which I’m beginning to realize is...maybe silly. I’ll still try to keep it a little bit balanced, but you can definitely look forward to more Gargoyles on the horizon, including:

Fics - 30k so far, with another 4.6k that I’m hoping to post this afternoon, after I look over it and decide if I still like it (ha ha fic writing amirite). I also have a fairy tale AU that I’ve done a substantial outline for, so I’d really like to get that underway.

Episode recaps/meta posts - these are currently being posted over on Pillowfort. The goal is to get the last two episodes of Season 1 up there, then to start crossposting them here.

As long as it’s not a gigantic hassle to paste over all the screencaps, because I uh. I have a lot of them. And a lot of thoughts about the show as a whole, but particularly about the relationship between David Xanatos and Owen Burnett: the meta’s currently averaging from about 1.5k to 2.5k per episode, whoooops.

I love them. I love them a LOT. See my meta posts for very detailed explanations as to why.

3. TREVORCARD (Castlevania)

I honestly did not expect to get this deeply invested in this ship. I watched and liked the first two seasons of Castlevania and really enjoyed the dynamic between Trevor and Alucard, but it wasn’t until the lead-up to Season 3 (and then the devastation of how absolutely terrible that season was) that I realized how much I loved these two together.

So now I’m having a very Sterek Fandom moment of “eff you canon, they’re ours now” in regards to Trevorcard. 

I’ve written one fic for them - it’s a 20k coffee shop/modern/college/artist/musician AU because they deserve all the fandom tropes and so much happiness together..

I don’t currently have plans to write any more, although if I do, it’ll likely be some sort of neighbors AU with wolf!Alucard, since my vast experience with Sterek fandom has taught me the absolute joys of exploring characters who can canonically turn into a beautiful giant effing wolf. 

I’ve also been steadily reading my way through every single Trevorcard fic in the AO3 tag, which unfortunately is only ~200. (HOW is this a rare pair. I will never ever understand it, they’re perfect together, and the animators literally said they intentionally storyboarded moments like the one above with the knowledge that people would start shipping them.)

Once I’ve finished up my AO3 tour, I’m going to compile the ones I enjoyed into rec lists. There are some really wonderful fics in there, and I’m excited to see what the rest are like.

4. TAIBANI (Tiger & Bunny)

I really don’t talk about this ship much, but it’s so immensely close to my heart. I have...so much...official merch of Kotetsu and Barnaby; it makes me happy every single time I see it. If I used my Tiger & Bunny stuff as the standard for what sparks joy during a konmari, the rest of my apartment would probably wind up empty.

The show (which is finally getting a second season in 2022 - Kotetsu & Barnaby had better be getting married) is wonderful. I genuinely can’t recommend it enough. Great writing, wonderful character development, beautiful animation, and Kotetsu and Barnaby are absolutely perfect together. Here’s an old post where I talk about that a little bit.

I’ve only written one fic so far: a canon compliant established relationship future fic that focuses more on their family dynamic as Kotetsu’s daughter adapts to turning 18, becoming a hero, and living with her frustratingly affectionate dad & his new husband.

I have ideas for two AUs: a single dad mature student/young professor one and a sorta weird circus/steve irwin-inspired one. We’ll...we’ll see if I ever get around to either. What I end up writing always surprises me, so I sorta give up on planning what words will come out.

And oh wait! I totally forgot about the third idea, which will be roughly canon compliant, with “Kotetsu sets Barnaby up on a series of blind dates that Barnaby initially thinks will be with HIM” angsty/funny fic. Hrm. I should get back to that one, I’ve outlined part of it.

I haven’t actually read a ton of fic for this pairing, because the more I like canon material, the less I seek out fandom content to “fix” it, but I would like to start going through the AO3 tag after I finish my Trevorcard project. I did an initial rec list ages ago and would like to follow up with another.

5. SHEITH (Voltron: Legendary Defender)

Here’s the last pairing I write fics for. I have several more in progress that I’d really like to finish - including a dragon AU that I wish someone else would just finish for me so I can read it, hahhhhhhh sigh. I wrote 15k, did a ton of research, and basically intimidated myself out of continuing, because it’s one of my Big Projects. Not gonna be like, PDIW length or anything, but it should be a pretty hefty fic once it’s done.

Then there’s the roommates AU, the burrito shop AU, the....wow. I really need to get back to these, don’t I. A couple of them are super close to being finished, too.

I’ve also compiled a few fic rec lists, although I haven’t updated those (or my Sheith blog) in a while.

This fandom has been...interesting. Rough sometimes. Sliding into some of the other pairings on this list has provided a good break for me, particularly since they’re all such small fandoms that they’re relatively free from drama and hate. Once I’m fully refreshed and re-inspired, I’d love to get back into writing Sheith. They’re such a perfect, feel-good, extraordinarily balanced and supportive ship, and I am disappointed every single day I remember that Voltron didn’t stick the landing with making them canon.

Look at that almost-kiss. Just...look at it. And tell me they aren’t in love.

[9w1ft]

feels a little early to be writing a year-in review but i find myself in a quiet moment so i thought i’d tap a few things out

in 2019, in all facets of my life, i faced a challenge of some sort and i surprised myself as i held my ground more often than ran away, which felt new. what *also* felt new was this sense of ease i began having professionally, when it came to conceptualizing and making decisions. sorta feels like a lot of things are crystallizing.

in terms of life on here, i didn’t have TSL for the majority of the year (anybody out there remember TSL?!) so i busied myself with crafting fun memories on my own. there were spans of weeks where i’d just get on a tear and run into one new thing after the other and it was all really just fantastic. i gave myself permission to indulge in the most decadent of things and to follow the most mercurial of assumptions to places i thought closed off.

i’m pretty sure i’ve smiled and laughed more over this year than i ever have in my entire life. no joke.

here are some kaylorverse moments that brought me joy in 2019:

it’s nice to have a friend

2018 was my first year being a kaylor and i just sort of was moreover on the contributor or commenter side of things so 2019 was interesting in that when taylor really leaned into the gay imagery leading up to album release, i started getting newer people sending me stuff! and asking me my takes on things! and like, my words suddenly had weight for some reason? it felt weird but i truly enjoyed getting to talk with so many different people and hear their ideas and laugh and such. that was markedly different from last year. from within this, 79-swift reached out to me with the eye theory, the most beautiful and rare of observations by a singularly lovely individual that i have dedicated my life to protecting and promoting. and i feel like i’ve gotten to know many people i knew through 2018 more deeply and have come to accept the role i play, lean in to it, and formulate my own truth of the matter, and that sort of heightened perspective on it has been a blessing and i’m so thankful for this strange sense of camaraderie that has formed with many of you? thank you??? and my conviction, and my wishes, for the girls to find happiness have only strengthened this year... im committed to seeing this through whether people like it or not!! harumph!

block ‘em

i also started proactively curating my experience.. that’s right! i began blocking trolls with reckless abandon, and i turned anons off! 😂 and damn it’s so much more worthwhile of a time on here when you set aside people that only want to ruin your day.

i got over my fear of eyeballs!!

😂 no seriously, body horror and in particular eyes out of context was actually sort of a thing that previously creeped me out BUT LOOK AT ME NOW. i’m gonna do my best not to rehash the eye theory, please read the post and recall the number of times i filipped out 😂 each and every one is precious to me

also

geeking out with bert and ernie gifs with kaylorfossil and making empsmd-blog drop her debit card need a mention.

the ME! music playlist.

i fell in love with so many songs and like, running into eye motifs in so many of the songs, lyrically and visually, was the most hilarious thing. but really just a lot of the songs really tapped at my soul with an ice pick and i even went to go see The Japanese House live in Osaka which was transcendental and i’m just so thankful for having taylor introduce Good At Falling to me because it was a *necessary* album.

i made and collected stuff

i made and amassed many artifacts that one day i can look back on and remember what a wild ride it has been. some favorites are my procuring of the pixel art heart ring from the ME! mv (a nod to my tsl days..), as well as the evil eye ring.. i didn’t physically make this but the eye theory made the taydar podcast and there’s nothing i enjoy more in this world than making someone giggle and i just love that the episode exists. making that kaylor straw was 👌 working on a mock-up of the golden locket has been very satisfying. i started incorporating fun kaylor winks into my artwork as well which was fun, and i also commissioned a collage from the very talented and lovely valheria and i couldn’t have asked for anything better 🥰

wildin in the TS7 tag was the best.

i made this observation that there’s this type of cocoon that looks like a cobra, which transforms into a butterfly over a period of 13 days, and like, the post got so many notes and i just had a lot of swiftie eyeballs all of a sudden on my blog which led to some hilarity. but honestly i just love geeking out over theories and it’s fun to get to do that as fans of taylor at large. things felt warm and effervescent.

my newspaper subscription

i subscribe to the TTB Times and let me just say the submissions and anons this year were overwhelmingly a delight to read through every day. also like, we did get cued in to stuff before album release and i am just thankful that there are people out there both who want to give us that and people who work to help them give us that. thank you ttb for moderating your blog (my newspaper of choice) however it is that you do and to everyone that contributed to her blog.

the whole lead up to the ME! video release

so glorious... but particular the hour before. i was rushing to pick up my kid from school and suddenly i kept getting messages from people that taylor was covering her face and framing her eyes, and i was like oh please yeah sure BUT THEN when the snake in the video had a blank eye like i don’t think you guys understand i had to wait at a bus stop and exchange pleasantries with the other moms but it was a *five alarm fire* in my mind

cause shade never made anybody less gay

stealing away to listen to YNTCD for the first time and hearing Taylor Alison Swift use the word gay in a released song for the first time was a transcendental moment

karlie’s hand in the YNTCD mv.

‘nuff said

daisies. daisies everywhere.

taylor said daisy kaylor rights, and she said it everywhere. *everywhere*. cannot, will not, get over how blessed we are.

gay gay gay gay gay.... taylor’s

sorry not sorry that wiz khalifa collab with elohim on her track FYM was ethereal and i still hope it’s a part of the preshow playlist for Lover Fest

clue hunting in klossy videos and karlie ads

call me a corporate shill all you want like, there’s always a little something in there and i also enjoy the little flickers of goofy karlie that jump out from time to time. and i know this is not the case for everyone but post eyepocalypse, karlie leaning in, winking that eye of hers time and time again was just pique comedy for me and it always made me chuckle. the brands karlie has repped have been really laying it on thick too and it’s been a joy to see. when taylor does it with her music it’s art, and for me karlie’s media presence is a form of art too 😌

oh kaptain my kaptain

kimby liked a comment of mine on her insta which was a distinct honor and privilege 😌 and really she was dropping clues left and right through spring up until she got her snazzy new job and things calmed down 🥰 of which i am so proud talk about an on brand job! also partially clearing the air about my TSL theory and the lead up to clearing that air was quite fulfilling for me and i am forever grateful for the time we shared. and to this point, the seesters in general (and kurt omg) have been quite active all year and we don’t deserve it but they’ve stuck around and it’s been calming.

album cover art release on the livestream

LIKE I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE NEVER HAD A FOURTH WALL BROKEN SO DULY

i love you forever, thank you for everything

when taylor came to visit tokyo this year i was basically reenacting the swamp scene from OOTW trying to get a ticket to the secret event... i listened to ME! on LINE MUSIC for over 2000 plays, i bought multiple CD’s, it was such an ordeal and then to not have a ticket after all but still putting on my thinking cap and managing to figure out where the event was while i was at disney sea and literally running from disney sea to the venue in high heels with The Man playing on my phone was oscar-worthy and actually *being correct* and the moment i knew i was correct and how i knew i was correct was so amazing 😉 and i play by the rules so i didn’t try to get in without a ticket and i didn’t lurk. but just to have figured it out and validated it was such a thrill. seeing her on TV live was amazing as well ///

lost in japan, reprise

oh and, last year for rep tour there was this theory i had which didn’t pan out but it had to do with the clues i thought shawn mendes was dropping through autumn 2018 and anyway that’s a story for another day but as i was bopping around town, looking for lockets, staying in rooms i have no business being in, drinking lots of whisky...just to know that while i was doing *everything but* successfully meeting taylor, she literally phoned shawn and had him record lines for that eye theory remix like, i will never ever, like, guys. guys. 😂 it’s too perfect for words. the world is weird like that sometimes.

Lover

and omg Lover the album? i absolutely love lover and i loves that honeymoon period of theorizing and parallel unearthing that we did and i love how slightly creepy-cute it is and i love the whole wabi-sabi thing going on and i absolutely love every song on the album, every one, they all have so much meaning to me... and each one is teeming with little blips and bloops and sound samples and seconds of silence and i love all the brass instruments and so many lush moments... i guess my shortlist (in no particular order) would be the archer, lover, i think he knows, daylight, cruel summer, false god, cornelia street, ME! (yea i really like me 🥰). and to think about everything that went in to the album and the thrill of what it might have been and the vastness of what we don’t know, but like, the weight of that potential?? it’s like this vast pastel and black abyss of drowsy and deep feelings and i love every inch of it. it’s a vibe that reflects so much of what this year has been for me and i’m happy to have existed in this time to have had it with me.

jesus this has gotten too long, and i still have like 24 more things to write out but um, basically, as i’m sure you’ve been able to assume? i wanted to say that despite 2019 being somewhat of a slasher film affair for our fandom, i still had a goddamn great time this year and i hope everyone can find some good memories and relive them as well 🥰

[aenslem]

Doctor Who Tag Game

Tagged by: @thirteenstardisfam thank youu and i am so sorry it is so super long lmao i did not mean too, but somehow ended up with it, and also i think i will make fandom hate me for some stuff about 11, but i love him! don’t you dare to think otherwise :’D

im tagging: @tennant @luke-skywalker @panlyra @stupidape @buffyrosenbergs @expelliarmus idk who of you whovians wanna do it out there feel free to say i tagged you and go on ;)

Favourite Doctor:  still Ten, i love 12 and 13 almost as much, even if not harder atm, but if it comes to choosing 1 fav doctor then it’s always Ten, so far no one stepped higher for me :’D I loved his era, i loved so many episodes with him, his season arcs, his companions, his relationships with everyone, and this is the only Doctor whose regeneration was smooth for me, he was continuation of Ninth Doctor and it felt like that. I was not like ‘but he is so different in so many ways’ nope, never. Maybe it’s because companions were the same, everyone was still around which was great btw, and I fell in love with the show with Tenth Doctor, dare I say that I stopped watching back then when Matt Smitt became doctor? lmao, must be shock for some but yes, I dropped this show because of THAT lmao??now i laugh at my own self but yeah, i did. where’s everyone, why it feels so different? that was huge nope. Only years later I got back into it, thanks to amazing Michelle Gomez. Actually I was not even going to watch other doctors at that moment, but I watched episodes only with Missy, then i said well it’s not bad I like it and Missy and Twelve were?? OOOF LOVES OF MY LIFE FOR SURE because their relationship were so cool and of course i loved it, so i started a huge rewatch, the first since i dropped the show. Fell in love with Doctor/Master all over again, Ten was as amazing as I remembered, Nine was perfect and I love him too!!! and then... i got to s5... oh god, i was like, let’s give him a chance, what do i lose? but it still felt so weird, and the show was so different, and suddenly everyone else is so important but where are old characters? but i got into it because i have already seen some of 12′s episodes and i got used to the style?? i guess. and then River appeared, not because of her but around episode 5 or 6 i was into it already, not as much as i was before but anyway, maybe weeping angels helped because i loved them and it reminded me of Ten, i felt some kind of a connection to old doctor. I liked River with 10, i thought i will like her with 11 too... but alas, still felt like you know those boys who have never had sex but try to act like they know everything about it and hit on every moving thing and think they do it cool? :D i am sorry if i hurt someone’s feelings with it, but that’s how 11 was for me back then, and while I do understand river/11 it’s the least of all river ships for me, 11 is still the least fav doctor because of those feelings i had back then when i stopped watching, they are not rational i know that now but still feel them, but i love him now, and will protect that kid at all costs! i love ponds, i will kill if anyone says anything bad about Rory Williams! and Amy and Rory? quoting my favorite star trek couple? DUDE WE GO TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! and even if i was not into all river/11 relationship i loved the story, and of course i liked 12, but s8 still feels like what the hell for me, not because of the doctor but because they tried so hard to show clara as bossy, i mean, i liked her with 11 and then suddenly they turn her into some control freak, it was not so MUCH with 11... but i know now why they did it, so Missy’s words have an effect and all. but still, i love clara before and after s8 :’D s9 clara? i will kill for her too. it’s too long but idk  :’D and actually, this shows that if you give it a chance even if you don’t like actor/actress at first - you might love the show ;) so stop acting like jodie is miscast honestly, i am ready to fight anyone for saying that :D say whatever you want about plot choices, but do not fucking act like it’s Jodie’s fault! actors are not responsible for show runner choices. She acts amazing with the material she has. anyway, 10 is my fav idiot!

Favourite Master: Missy, always was and always shall be. My favorite character in general in the show, no one tops my girl!

Favourite Sonic: honestly? i don’t really remember any sonic but 12′s glasses :D so... glasses. I mean, i don’t really care how it looks like, it does its job... most of the time lmao, but i liked those glasses and the thing with browser history was my fav :D

Favourite Companion: oh it’s soooo hard!!! either Donna or Bill. I can’t choose. but yeah, those are both with whom there were no ‘romantic’ relationship implied, i love friends more than couples. and I just loved 10 and Donna as a team and Bill and 12, i still wish they had more time. also Martha, the smartest companion lol she was amazing.

Favourite Story: anything involving The Master :D all episodes with them are my favs, but i can’t just pick one story, i still remember the first episode i watched back when it was airing and are you my mummy stuck in my head for the rest of my life giving me brrrr feeling, like it was not scary but somehow made me super uncomfortable? also vashta nerada?? duuuuude, you can’t just look at the shadow the same way. and ten/river together were really great, i mean, he did not know who is she, the mystery, i love shit like that?? yeesss!!!!! there are so many great ones. I don’t want to choose.

Favourite Soundtrack: that unreleased tiny melody when the master dies in the last of the time lords T--T and this is gallifrey and clara’s theme! those are my favs. and I also really like 11′s theme, kinda ready for adventures and doing some weird but funny shit :D

Dream Actor for next Doctor: ooooof OOOOF dude! you know what, usually it is one actor for 3 seasons, that’s how it was for the last 3 doctors, i want Jodie to break that rule and stay with us for 4th season as well, i just want to see how pissed off those haters will be lmao i really really think the entire timeless child thing will not feel the same with someone else yet, and i don’t think they will reveal much in 13th season, that’s HUGE thing, or they should make it so good and the next doctor... aaah i don’t want to feel that change again, like i did with 10 to 11, and felt with the every next doctor, but i overcome that shit and just give them a chance, it’s the doctor after all and im sure loving all of them now. not sure it can disappoint me even if most of plot choices in the season are ... weak. idk who, there are so many great actors but whoever i choose will not be as great as someone they choose, because they always somehow cast amazing people, but i agree with emily it’s time for a doctor of color! tho, they can’t go back to white male actor right now, i just can imagine how it will look like, with all the hate Jodie received and how people still whine about female doctor, it will look like they tried and decided to go back to white male doctors, one half will be happy but the other one will eat them alive! so yeah, i am pretty sure it’s not gonna be white man again yet lol

Dream Composer: idk

Dream Story: well, considering 13 is in jail now, i would love to see someone “we know” rescuing her, because honestly if they just showed me jack and left it like that, i will not accept it!!! but also since yaz will be the only one left with the doctor, since bradley and tosin leave the show, i hope we will have some yaz and doctor relationship development without anyone else, maybe jack could stay because i love him, but jack’s presence did not hurt doctor and rose relationship development back then, so it should not hurt now also. but if they bring someone new, at least don’t make it right away, let yaz and 13 have an adventure at least 1 episode, some talk and stuff. so when yaz leaves also... (and i kind of had that stupid feeling that yaz will die in the end, because somehow everything hints on that for me? idk maybe it’s because i rewatched and giffed orphan 55 today and vilma (?) telling yaz to run and stay alive kinda felt like something that hints on yaz’s future... and yaz is always going somewhere without thinking, to random alien ship, to save the doctor, she steps into trouble like a doctor hoping everything will somehow be ok, but im not even sure she hopes, it’s more like i am as good as her so i can do it, not in clara’s way when everything hinted she is like the doctor, because let’s be honest she was and even got her own tardis, but she thinks she is, but she is not, i think some day that might end bad for her... so when she also leaves i don’t want it be like well yeah, what’s next? i mean, i still miss Bill, that was like NOOOOOO with tears and screams for me, i loved Bill! and we had 2 seasons with yaz and i still don’t feel the same connection to any of the current companions atm, so i would like the show to make me love them more, i do love them, just not as much as those i still miss, but im sure defending any of them lmao i love them anyway. you know what i mean...

A Companion You’d like to see back: oh OH. we cant bring them back for entire season right? but doctor can meet Donna at some point, which will have no point lmao cos she doesn’t remember and it will only hurt doctor and i don’t see how her appearance will help any plot, it will be just fanservice cameo. But Bill is out there with Heather, they are powerful creatures now, i think it could somehow fit into the story, I want Bill back. But also, Clara is still one heartbeat away from death, she can be out there, and she has tardis. tiny cameos will be fine for me :D and Martha, but also Madam Vastra and Jenny, Kate and Osgood, where they are??? bring them back and it can make sense, their appearances. I mean, imagine someone from UNIT in s11, not unit itself but osgood??? it would feel so much different. 

An Enemy/Alien/Creature you’d like to see again: weeping angels!!!! OOOF they were creepy, and i love them, like, DON’T BLINK!!! how can you not blink for so long? that is cool, i want them back. and also the most beautiful shots are always with angels so... :’D

If you could travel with one of the Doctors, which Doctor and why?: oooh, while 10 is my fav, and I totally would hit on 13 :D i will choose 12, 12 from season 10, because he was such a grandpa, no lovey dovey stuff, he would lecture me on thing i do, give me new info about something, we would explore shit together and he would be like a grandpa i never had. We would definitely have long discussions about stuff and have good laugh together and i would make references to movies and then we would watch those movies :D i would act like Bill lmao yess i want to travel with 12!!!

[falloutmelody]

Now Or Never- Platonic! Graham O’Brien x Reader

(GIF IS NOT MINE, FULL CREDIT TO THE PERSON WHO MADE IT!)

WARNINGS: Mild peril and threat?? Occasional reference to death and the reader being afraid they’re gonna die, but nothing serious. This is meant to be set early on in the fam’s adventures when they’re still bonding and aren’t super used to the danger, so I pictured it happening in-between Arachnids in the UK and The Tsuranga Conundrum, but there’s no specific spoilers or references, so don’t worry! Also, not gonna lie, this was very much inspired by Graham and Yaz’s conversation from The Timeless Children, because that scene resonated with me emotionally, but again, no spoilers for that!

REQUESTED BY: @anahiranz​ Thank you so much for requesting again! And thank you for requesting for Graham! He’s been my favourite of Thirteen’s companions since The Woman Who Fell To Earth aired (no shade meant to Ryan and Yaz, because I love them a lot, but I just feel a strong connection with Graham), so I absolutely loved writing this! Feel free to request again if you would like to, you always give me such great and fun prompts! Hope you enjoy this and that it brings your image to life!

WORD COUNT: 2515! Once again, we’ve got a long one on our hands! What can I say, I just get carried away?

Anyways, requests are still 100% open if you wanna request something! Especially if it’s for Doctor Who (although, casual reminder that I currently only write for Thirteen, Sacha’s Master, Graham, Ryan and Yaz atm!). Send all requests to my ask, which you can find here!

Also, for the people who followed me for MCU stuff, I got a request for another one-shot for Natasha that I’m hoping will be up sometime next week!

So, regarding codes, Y/N as always means your name, L/N is your surname and Y/J/H means your job here (e.g. librarian, shop worker, etc. Feel free to just shove in a random job there if you don’t have one or hate your actual job!) And again, this was written from a gender neutral perspective, so anyone is welcome to read it!

The sound of your shoes on the bare concrete floor let out infrequent thuds as you raced down the hall, forcing yourself to glance back for the first time since this chase had begun. Yes, there he was. The big angry blue alien man with the frighteningly large gun that really hadn’t taken too well to you and your fellow companions prying into his affairs and asking why he was here. Ducking your head to the side as his weapon shot out another amber blast that got dangerously close to you, you decided to force yourself to up your pace. Well, you tried to anyway. At this point, you were forcing yourself to go so quickly that you were pretty sure you were mere moments from vomiting. But you couldn’t stop. If you stopped, he would catch you. And you stopping would likely result in your fellow companions stopping to help you, and then you’d all be screwed.

And then you spotted it.

A few inches ahead of you, there was a small open doorway into a dark room. The metal framing of the doorway seemed eerily similar to ones that you’d encountered a few times whilst you, the Doctor and your fellow companions had been exploring this complex, looking for the source of the distress signal the TARDIS had received earlier that day. Those doors had seals, right? That had been what the Doctor had said, right? The blonde tended to speak at a mile a minute at times, so it was a little hard to keep up with her.

Deciding that your instinct was worth at least a shot, you proceeded to quickly skid into the darkened room, taking a moment to call out a simple ‘in here!’ to your fellow companions. Whether they would follow you, you had no idea. You didn’t waste time waiting to see, almost immediately turning your attention to the small metal keypad beside the door, using the brief light from the outside hallway to see what you were doing. Your hands were shaking, in a manner almost akin to being outside on a cold day, but you tried not to let that distract you. You were frightened, of course you were, but you didn’t want to let your fear result in the demise of your friends or yourself.

Taking the sound of thudding feet and panting that soon filled the room to mean that your fellow companions had made it inside, you forced your shaking hands to input random numbers. That worked in movies, right? Jamming in random number combinations seemed to somehow always result in the desired outcome for action heroes.

And in what you could only describe as a miracle, your scrambling paid off, as the metal door suddenly slammed shut, and gave a soft chime, informing you that it had been sealed. You were safe. For now.

A few seconds passed before a soft click sounded in the room, and the light above your head illuminated and filled the room with soft amber light. Stepping back from the keypad, the sound of your heartbeat thundering in your chest being the only thing that you could hear, you finally took a moment to scan your surroundings. And then you realised something that caused your body to tense in concern.

There was only one other person in the room with you. Graham, who seemed just as breathless and tired of running as you were.

Oh god. Oh god.

Had you lost Ryan and Yaz? You could have sworn they’d been there when you’d all started running. Had something happened? You’d only really met all these people a few days back, but the mere idea of that guy in the hallway catching up with your new friends caused your stomach to drop. As Graham met your terrified gaze, it seemed to only take him a few moments to catch onto what was happening and what was running through your mind as his own expression shifted to one of concern. However, before he got a chance to speak the inevitable question, a series of loud, violent thuds sounded at the metal door. The thought crossed your mind for a moment that maybe it could have been your missing friends, but surely, they’d be calling out to you if it was them? No, no, there was no doubt about it. The alien that had been chasing you was now outside the door.

A mumbled but frantic series of swear words escaped your lips at that realisation, as you tried to will yourself to move. Time was of the essence. That alien could burst through the sealed door at any minute.

But you couldn’t.

Your whole form was virtually paralyzed with fear, terrifying thoughts of what could have happened to your friends racing through your mind as you did the only thing you could do in that moment- let out ragged, shaking breaths and try to prevent yourself from just giving up and crying.

You weren’t entirely sure how long you just stood there. Perhaps it was minutes. Perhaps it was seconds. But, finally, you were snapped out of your thoughts by Graham’s voice. “The Doc’s gonna come back and find us, right?” He questioned, causing you to turn your attention in his direction. Weakly, you gave a small nod.

“I hope so,” you mumbled quietly. The eccentric blonde had gone her own way shortly after you’d all arrived here, claiming that it’d be easier to find the source of the distress call if you split up, so god knows where she was.

Apparently, time and space travel involved following the tropes of an episode of Scooby-Doo, but hey, you were new at this, so you hadn’t complained. Now you wish you had.

Realising that you needed to at least try and act, to at least buy some time for either the Doctor to come find you or for you and Graham to come up with a plan to save yourself, you forced your legs to move. In a somewhat uncertain manner, you made your way over towards the sole thing in this room, a small shelving unit with two metal boxes on it. Apparently, you’d somehow managed to end up in some form of storage cupboard.

An alien storage cupboard. Okay.

“What are you looking for?” Graham’s tired voice asked as you began to try and rummage through the box that was closest to the floor. Try being the operative word there, with how much your hands were shaking.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” you admitted, wishing that your words sounded way more confident than they did. “I just… I don’t know, there has to be something here right? Something that could help us get out or lock the door more or something?” However, your hands seemed to have other ideas, as you seemed unable to get a firm grasp on anything in the box. Not that you recognised anything in this one, so honestly, what was the point?

“Y/N?” Graham’s soft tone once again brought you out of your thoughts, although you didn’t stop nervously rummaging through the box. “Just… Just take a minute, alright? That door’s gotta be pretty tough, he’s not just gonna barge through!”

“But Ryan and Yaz are still out there! We have to at least try and do something, that’s what the Doctor would do. We can’t just sit-“ And with that, your voice finally broke, causing you to fall to silence. You tried to stay composed, to keep it together, causing you to soon duck your head down to give yourself a minute. However, the world clearly seemed against you today, as another, much louder thud sounded at the door, shortly followed by a creak that seemed to be indicating that the door was giving way. This caused a noise that you could only describe as a genuine squeak of fear to escape your lips as your eyes momentarily shut. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

“Y/N, Y/N, look at me,” Graham proceeded to quickly speak up once more. At least his tone indicated he was just as on edge as you. After taking a series of sharp inhales of breath, you slowly did as he asked, only realising as you looked at him that your vision was slightly blurred.

You felt as though you could be excused for tearing up at a moment like this. A few weeks ago, you’d been a simple Y/J/H in Sheffield, and now? Now you were in space, with a homicidal alien waiting outside to kill you and your new friend. How were you meant to react calmly to that? “Sorry,” you mumbled quietly, bringing your hands up to dry the water from the corner of your eyes. “Sorry, I… I just wanted to help.”

Graham gave a soft shake of his head, taking a quick moment to glance in the direction of the door as another loud thud echoed into the room, causing the shelving unit before you to physically shake. “Nah, don’t apologise. I get it. Never had this happen on the 3a bus on a Monday morning,” he responded in a light-hearted tone, his words causing a brief smile to momentarily pull at your lips. It was nice to just focus on something else besides your impending doom, even if it was only for a few seconds. “Yaz is a smart lass, I like to think she’s keeping Ryan safe. Just like you’re keeping me safe, huh?”

“Well, I’m trying. It’s easier said than done sometimes.” Graham softly chuckled at your response, lightly patting you on the shoulder as his gaze moved to look around the room. As his focus settled on something just behind the shelving unit, your expression scrunched up slightly in confusion, wondering what he’d spotted.

And then you spotted it.

There was a medium sized vent in the wall. That movie logic might just pay off once more.

Almost immediately, you and Graham got to work, pulling the shelving unit away from the wall. If you could somehow get through the vent, you could get away from here. Or at the very least, it could provide you a place to hide when the brute outside inevitably broke in.

Kneeling down to get a better look, you were surprised to realise that all you had to do was pull the vent cover off. The screws had already been pulled out. Had someone been here before you? The person who had sent out the distress call? Some poor person who had been here before this place had been abandoned? You weren’t quite sure, but you supposed the only way you would find out was by heading through. Wherever it led, it couldn’t be worse than here.

Discarding the metal cover to the ground, you brought your attention up to Graham. “You head through first, I wanna make sure you get out of here,” you quickly prompted him, soon moving out of the way so that the elder man could try and get inside the vent. He admittedly soon shot you a look of slight confusion, presumably being a little bit uncertain about the idea of just clambering through the vents to safety, but as another thud echoed into the room, he soon did as you prompted.

“You’d better follow me. Give me your word, Y/N,” Graham spoke as he tried to clamber inside as quickly as he could manage. You took a quick glance in the direction of the quickly caving in door, before looking back at him and nodding. Of course, you were going to follow. You just wanted to give him a few moments to make sure he was safely inside before following after him.

Graham seemed to accept this. “Right. God, my knees are gonna hate me for this,” the man remarked dryly, his voice slightly amplified by the metal vent. True to your word, you waited a few moments, before clambering inside, doing your best to replace the metal cover that you’d pulled off soon afterwards. Not that you reckoned it’d take the alien long to figure out where you’d gone. There were no other ways out of that room.

You crawled through the surprisingly spacious vents for only a few moments before you reached the end, ultimately ending up in what appeared to be an office room. Or at least you presumed that was what it used to be. The desks and chairs in this room were all upturned or broken. Graham helped you back onto your feet once you’d clambered out, with you both taking a quick moment to try and catch your breath.

“Guess now, the aim of the game is to try and find the others?” Graham asked, causing you to give a small nod. Hopefully, your friends had been just as lucky in getting away. As Graham went to lead the way out of the office, you proceeded to speak up once more.

“Graham?” Your words caused the man to turn back to face you, with you not wasting any time as you proceeded to lightly wrap your arms around him. “Thank you.”

You felt as though you didn’t need to elaborate any further on what you were thanking him for. Graham would understand. Yes, you knew that now probably wasn’t the right time for this, but you wanted to thank him for being there to reassure you when you needed it. Besides, after a near death experience, you felt as though you couldn’t really be judged for wanting a hug. You might not know this man super well yet, but he’d provided a source of comfort and reassurance for you several times over in the most dangerous of situations, something which you undeniably valued.

Hopefully, that friendship and the borderline surrogate parental role he’d started to provide in your life would only strengthen as you continued to travel together.

The former bus driver seemed a little bit taken aback at first by your sudden act of affection, having clearly not been expecting it, but after a few seconds, he returned the gesture, lightly holding onto you too. “No need to thank me, Y/N. Just trying to be helpful, you know?” Once again, a small smile formed on your expression at his words as you soon pulled away.

“Next time we stop off to get food, remind me that I owe you a cake or something,” you joked, before gesturing over to the door with a small head motion. “Now, you ready to run some more?” A soft somewhat tired exhale of breath escaped from Graham’s lips once more, with him clearly not being too thrilled at the idea of potentially having to run some more, before he gave a small nod.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

And with that, the two of you quickly made your way out of the room, having absolutely no idea where you were going.

But, after what had just happened and everything you’d been through on your travels with the Doctor, you liked to think that the team of Y/N L/N and Graham O’Brien could take on pretty much anything else this building might have in store.

AN: And I’m going to end it there! Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! As mentioned above, my requests are still 100% open if you wanna send some stuff in! Hope you’re all having a good day, and I’ll see you all next time!