#honestly I probably thought loving Izzy was so normal it didn’t need to be expressed

[notmeobsessedw60y-o-rockstars]

I just confidently declared myself an Izzy girl in the tags of my last post

but then. I realized I’d only made 1 original post about him

WHICH IS BLASPHEMY

so that needs to be changed NOW

Izzy my BABY I FUCKING LOVE YOU CMERE

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X8

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I freakin’ loved this episode! It was so so good! Which surprised me considering what they focused on. Based on the promo I knew that this would be DeLuca’s goodbye episode and so I expected to like the other parts of the episode we were shown in the promo such as Hayes talking to Meredith at her bedside, Richard’s storyline, and Derek’s return. However, I was not expecting to enjoy any part of DeLuca’s farewell storyline and I was pleasantly surprised. I think that’s because they focused on the effects of grief and guilt and how everyone processes those emotions differently.

It was a really interesting character study on how each person feels a loss in their own way. Despite not liking the character I actually found DeLuca’s memorial service quite moving. I think it was because they found a creative way to do it and because funerals in the real world like we normally do aren't possible right now. My grandfather died last summer and while he didn’t want a funeral my family and I weren’t able to get together to mourn his loss as we usually would and that’s been hard.

I wasn’t particularly close with my grandfather, but the loss of traditional grieving rituals in this time of COVID-19 has been frustrating. I liked that they found a creative way to have the characters mourn the loss of a fellow staff member. I expected to see Carina more, but as I understand it her storyline played out more on Station 19 which makes sense. I felt like they did a good job of showing the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and how everyone experiences them differently.

Teddy and Owen displayed survivors' guilt and frustration that they did everything right and he still died. At the end we see Teddy in a catatonic state and it made me think that she might be sick with COVID herself or that there was something else wrong. While I've never been a Teddy and Owen shipper I did like the moment at the end where Owen noticed something was wrong and came over to her and told her that he would take her home and when she didn't respond he picked her up and carried her.

It reminded me of the Season 2 episode where Denny dies and Izzie refuses to leave his side so Alex picks her up and carries her over to a chair in her prom dress. Very different relationships, but a nice parallel in my opinion. This episode had a lot of those. Teddy seeing DeLuca in other people’s faces was freaky! I have to say that guy is way more interesting as a ghost then he ever was alive.  

I totally got Helm's reaction. I understand why she said and thought those horrible things about DeLuca. He was an ass for a really long time. I probably would have done the same thing myself, but that doesn't mean she wanted him dead. I thought what Maggie did for her was wonderful. My heart broke for Schmitt when he described his emotions. Richard was angry and Bailey went overboard trying to figure out what happened. Everyone's experience of a loss is different and I like that they showed that.

I’m glad that Richard told Bailey what she needed to hear. It was painful, but in trying to find an answer or a reason for what happened she was unintentionally hurting the people around her who were suffering too. The strength of Richard and Bailey's relationship is that they can tell each other the truth when no one else can or will. I loved his monologue to Catherine about trying to find a meaning in the puzzle of life and questioning his faith which is such a big part of his sobriety. James Pickens Jr. did a beautiful job in that scene.

Say what you want about Catherine, but I loved her response. Richard was trying to find meaning in the meaningless and in response she shared with him that her latest scans showed that the cancer hadn’t grown. Logically it should have, but it didn’t. Sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are senseless deaths. Life is a puzzle. We don’t always understand it. That was exactly what Richard needed to hear in that moment.

On a more upbeat note, I loved the beach scenes this week! They were perfect! They were everything I dreamed of for my favourite characters and more! We got to see Derek and Meredith get closer and talk about the kids. When Meredith is heartbroken that Derek never got to meet Ellis or to know her he tells her all of these wonderful things about her. How she’s just like Meredith and makes it clear that he’s watching over them always.

He talks about Zola and how she writes to him in her journal and how Meredith taught her to ride a bike. I teared up! I've been waiting for them to discuss the kids and here it is! Hearing Derek talk about Ellis and knowing that he watches over Meredith and the kids was so emotional for me. I loved hearing him describe who she is and getting to learn more about her. I'm glad he encouraged her to go back. As much as Derek and Meredith miss each other she's needed back in the land of the living.

Her kids need her and so does everyone else. I loved Derek's gentle teasing. His facial expressions. And then there are her scenes with Hayes! God they were perfect! I've been waiting for this! I loved how Meredith kept joyfully asking him what he did to make Ellis smile so wide and laugh so loudly. She knows he can't hear her yet there she is dying to know what he said or did. The sound of her voice when she said that was everything for me. They already feel like a couple. So much in sync.

I love that Derek, who was shown to be extremely jealous in life, encouraged her to hear Hayes out. I really felt like he was giving her his blessing and the fact that they established that Hayes has met the kids virtually and they know who he is sealed the deal for me. Hayes has now received Cristina’s approval, Derek’s blessing, and is shown to have positive relationships with Meredith’s friends and family in Seattle. I loved that Hayes told Meredith to fight and talked about how her kids were doing and how everyone needs her.

I loved that he came and sat at her bedside and begged her to fight and not give up and that he talked to her even though he wasn’t sure if she could hear him. I love that he sat with her through the virtual memorial even though he wasn’t close to DeLuca and didn’t like him. The cheerful greeting and familiarity with which he greets Amelia and Zola and the stories he tells Meredith indicates that he’s been having regular video chats with Amelia, Maggie, Link, and the kids and that he’s chosen to stay by Meredith’s side when he just as easily could have left while she was on a call with her kids.  

It will also make the transition easier when do start dating because the kids will already know him. The music in this episode was really beautiful. Especially the songs that played during the beach scenes. I really enjoyed the drunken Link, Jo, and Jackson scene. I felt it brought much needed levity and humour to the episode the same way the beer scene with Jackson, Link, and Winston did in the previous episode. Their scenes were funny and raw and provided a good balance for the episode.

I also loved seeing more of Jo and Jackson's friends with benefits relationship and more of Jo and Link and Jackson and Link's friendship. I'd actually forgotten that Jackson and Link were friends so it was cool to see that dynamic again and that Link is supportive of their situation. The drinking game to me felt like a throwback to the Season 2 episode where Meredith and Cristina are at Joe’s Bar playing a game of whose life sucks the most and she tells them that Derek is married and Cristina tells her she’s pregnant. These revelations eventual lead to Cristina scheduling an abortion and declaring Meredith her person.

It was cool to see Maggie and Winston working together at Grey Sloan Memorial. Winston living in Boston was only going to go on for so long because as we've all found out this past year there's only so much you can do virtually. I knew he'd be moving to Seattle at some point and I'm glad to see him working at the hospital and hanging with Maggie's family. The scene where he danced it out with the kids was too cute! I'll be interested to see more of their dynamic moving forward as Maggie used to be his teacher and is now his boss. I'm also glad that both Winston and Hayes are finally getting the proper screen time they deserve.

Their storyline with the naked guy cracked me up! My two favourite lines of the episode were when the guy freaked out because he realized he wasn’t wearing his mask and Maggie said, “You’re not wearing much of anything.” And when Maggie and Winston went looking for him and Zander Perez, the resident from Pac North, told them, “If you’re looking for a naked guy he went that way.” I laughed so hard!

The scenes with Zola got me. She is a real trouper. She definitely is Meredith Grey's daughter through and through. I'm a big believer in found family and one of the things Grey's does really is show that there are many different ways to be a family and that family is what you make of it. True family is made up of the people who love and support you unconditionally not genetics. I really love that they've shown the strength of that bond between Zola and her family.

My favourite hidden moment of the episode was Tom! He appears in the background at DeLuca's memorial which means he's getting better. If he's well enough to be outside at the memorial then his condition has greatly improved since last we saw and that's great! Tom's a wonderfully complex character and I'm glad he's doing better. He appears in a bunch of deleted scenes that were released through the Grey’s Anatomy Twitter account which I highly recommend. The writing in this episode was excellent!

This episode was written by Adrian Wenner whose previous credits include the Season 16 episode ‘A Hard Pill to Swallow’ in which Meredith and Hayes work that vaping case together and get to know each for the first time. Honestly, my only complaint about this episode is that I wish they’d done it sooner! I wish they had bumped this and the previous episode up. The Mid-Season Finale felt very anti-climatic to me and was poorly received by a lot of fans. I wish they had just scrapped that episode or combined it with what we saw in the Mid-Season Premiere and then jumped into this episode after the break. But we’re here now and that’s the important thing.

Onto next week’s promo. Damn does it look interesting! We see that Owen has brought Teddy home and she’s not eating or speaking and he’s worried if her condition does not improve he’ll have to admit her. I’m sure he’s having flashbacks to when Cristina did the same thing after the plane crash. She appears to be experiencing some kind of nightmare sequence where she sees DeLuca as a ghost and Meredith speaks to her. Looks intense!

Until next time!

[monysmediareview]

Mortal Instruments Series Review

My first review! Yay! 

We’re going to start with a series I recently got very into and then very out of: The Mortal Instruments series. I only read the first 3 books. I started the 4th and simply wasn’t interested, but we’ll get into that. 

This is honestly going to be a mixed review. There was a lot that I really loved about this series and was super happy to see so many well written or well thought out elements, but there’s also a lot that I wasn’t pleased with and could have done without. For the purpose of this review I will only be talking about the books and not the show or the movie, but again, we’ll get to that later. 

First thing’s first: the lovers to siblings back to lovers plot

What the actual fuck was that? I mean, I get it, the drama of it all was intense and emotional. I loved it for that but let’s take a moment to really consider what was wrong with this. I could have gotten on this band wagon, because it is dramatic as hell, which I love. But there are several moments throughout the first three books where, to Jace and Clary’s knowledge, they are full blood, 100% siblings, but they still make out. 

Outside the Wayland house in City of Glass they literally lay in a field, making out, taking clothes off. Not only is the world around them quite literally ending but at this moment they are under the impression that they are siblings. But they do it anyway. Which is disturbing to say the least. Sure, it makes it that much more of a relief when we find out they aren’t siblings and that Jonathan is a whole other person, but there were other ways to do that. This is a story read by a ton of young, impressionable, mostly female readers and that is just such a strange message to send. They’re already confused and worried about the world going on around them, why on earth would you throw that in, too? Thinking back to middle school, I can remember at least 2 cases of brothers and sisters being accused of hooking up and I now wonder if this series had anything to do with that. I shudder to think about it. 

Izzy deserved better

Right off the bat, we see Izzy through Clary’s pick me girl eyes and she does not like Izzy. She’s threatened by her and her connection with Jace. Again, why are we alluding to siblings hooking up with each other? It’s weird and uncomfy and Izzy deserved better than that. 

She’s a strong, independent, smart, well trained, self sufficient woman and I would have read so much more about her if it was there. Izzy is emotionally mature, resilient, and in my opinion would have been a much better main character for a series like this. There was no reason for Cassandra Clare to make Izzy so unlikable or have Clary put her down like that. This was actually an amazing opportunity to pass the Bechdel test but to have a strong female/female relationship and set a really good example for the younger readers. 

The Jace/Clary/Simon love triangle was weak 

I’m a sucker for a good love triangle. It’s an old, played out trope but I can’t help it. The drama of it all is intriguing and I like them. However, the love triangle with Clary and Simon and Jace just wasn’t juicy enough. Having Clary date Simon simply because she couldn’t be with Jace anymore was really weird, especially considering Simon had almost given up/gotten over Clary because he was interested in Izzy. Then, he drops Izzy, runs to Clary and then they just stop dating and decide to be friends. And then he goes back to Izzy from what I can tell from the beginning of City of Fallen Angels, which I think discredits her even more to go back to someone who left in her in dust like that. But I digress. 

If there was going to be a genuine love triangle, there needed to be a struggle of choice. Having her only choose Simon because he was what was left over was not a strong plot point and I felt that it took away from the story. It could have even been improved if Jace had shown outward jealousy or tried to convince her not to be with him but instead he ignored it. But that takes me to my next point. 

Jace was kind of an asshole 

I understand the idea of a “bad boy” love interest. It’s hot, it’s interesting, it’s everything every girl wants. But I’m also kind of over it. And in this case, it didn’t even stick. Jace very quickly goes from complete asshole to emotional loverboy and while I’d normally love that, it actually felt unintentional. I don’t have too much to say about this other than begging for writers and readers to have higher standards for male love interests in these types of stories. 

Jace’s unconditional love for Clary even though she’s boring

Category is: more tropes I’m kind of done with. 

The thing is, Clary isn’t anything special. It’s why I really don’t like her as a character. It enforces this trope of these “regular” but also “not like other girls” girls who get a bad boy to fall in love with them and suddenly be soft and gentle and kind just for them. It’s not realistic and it is so so damaging to the young girls who read things like this. Not that I think we should censor art or writing in any way to make it more morally upstanding or appealing to certain groups, but I do think that in wide spread media it is important to be conscious of the impact your work might make on certain groups of people. If a story like this needed to exist, then maybe it shouldn’t have been marketed to the audience it was. And let’s be real - there was no reason these characters couldn’t have been college aged instead of 16. 

Back to the topic at hand - Jace has completely unconditional love for Clary. I think that’s super cute but it is almost unhealthy the way he’s obsessed with her. Maybe it was just how I read it but I think there could have definitely been a better way to express that he’s in love with her without making it seem like he would die without her. 

Moral of the story, kids - let’s stop romanticizing unhealthy relationships. 

Simon being a Jewish vampire was a fantastic idea 

If you follow my main blog you probably know how much I love vampires. It’s kind of my thing. It’s why I picked up this series in the first place; because I was told that it had a really cool vampire subplot and it absolutely does. 

Vampires have always had a strong connection to catholicism, what with the crosses and the holy water and the churches and all that. It had never even occurred to me that a Jewish vampire might have to abide by different rules and it begs the question of how religion plays into vampirism in the first place. 

I don’t want to spend too much time on this because I could write pages and pages and pages on my take on vampires but I just wanted to praise this aspect of the series because it is badass. I hope we see more vampires of other religions popping up in media in the future. I think that would be dope as hell. 

Alec and Magnus are my OTP of this series

As far as love stories go I really don’t think it gets better than this couple. There wasn’t too much of them in the books I read but I became absolutely obsessed anyway. Magnus, who seems to be portrayed as some kind of bad boy in his own rite; you know, like an immortal whore, falling in love with Alec. Alec who is strong and kind and loves with his whole heart but hides who he really is. They help each other change for the better and seem to really complete each other. Even if this wasn’t entirely intentional, I’m here for it. I would die for them. If/when I review the TV show there will definitely be a ton about this. 

There are far too many parallels to Twilight for my liking

Okay, there aren’t that many. SMeyer does have a quote about how much she loves the series on the front of all the books that I have, though, and that’s too much already. Beside that there are a few things I noticed. 

Bella is obviously SMeyer’s self insert character and that makes me think that Clary is too. First of all the names are incredibly similar and let’s just take a look at Cassandra Clare.

Look familiar? 

Not to mention the story was stolen in the first place, but that’s for another review. I plan on reading that series as well to make my own observations. 

This series did not need to exceed 3 books

By the end of City of Glass, the story felt over to me. There were a few loose ends but nothing that ultimately made me want to keep reading and that’s why I think the 4th book fell flat. The entire thing could have been wrapped up nicely in three books or the end of the third book should have been more enticing and inviting to another installment. 

So, overall, I did enjoy the series. I think a lot of the characters were really well written, the dialogue was good, and the plot, while it has its flaws, was interesting at the very least. I’ll definitely be giving the rest of the books a shot at some point since the show opened my eyes to what plot lines may have been followed and I like that idea a lot. I know it seems like I really hate this series, but I don’t. It certainly has it’s issues but if you’re looking for something fun to read that you don’t plan on taking too seriously then I highly recommend. 

Until next time, friends!

[jaxl-road]

Scar Tissue chapter 5

Duff’s fashion expertise is called upon, Slash’s criminal expertise is called upon, and it might not be a date but it’s close enough for Slash.

Pairings: Slash/Duff

Warnings: Self-esteem issues and((not in this chapter)) Implied/discussed past abuse (non-explicit)

Read on AO3

Slash could have cried with relief as things finally seemed to return to normal around him. Well, as normal as things ever were with Guns N’ Roses.

Axl finally emerged from his black mood, jumping right back into pushing his bandmates to get moving with their music, which meant Izzy could relax as well. Tommy’s advice to Steven regarding Vince had been “just fucking talk to him, dude,” and Steven had wholeheartedly agreed and then immediately worked on avoiding the blonde singer like it was his job, which meant he had no problem throwing himself into his drumming. Music was a safe space for all of them; when they practiced they didn't feel like they had to walk on eggshells around each other.

Of course, as they got back into writing and rehearsing their music, Slash had to keep his head down in order to focus on his playing instead of being distracted by their bassist. He had assumed he’d be used to the tall blonde by now, at least enough to be able to play with him without snapping a string and making a fool of himself.

But Duff was so different when he played bass. He was always so tense, even when he joked and partied with the rest of them, always a little bit wary and nervous, eyes following any hand that moved too close, looking over his shoulder every few minutes. Slash couldn’t help but worry sometimes. He wished he knew what to do to help the other boy relax. Even when Duff laughed it felt like he was bracing himself for… something.

And yet all of that went away when GNR played together. Duff played their existing songs flawlessly, and he came up with amazing riffs for new songs, and when he played it was like everything weighing him down got left at the door. Suddenly he could move freely, dancing with the music and flipping his hair back when it got too wild in his face. When the music started, Slash couldn’t help but feel like Duff was the most himself. It was attractive as fuck.

By the end of rehearsal, there were strands of sweat-slick blonde hair stuck to Duff forehead and Slash decided it’d be a good idea to just count stains on the carpet for a bit.

“We sound awesome,” Axl grinned, chugging a bottle of water, “which is good considering I twisted Motley’s arm and we’re opening for them next Thursday," he tacked on nonchalantly.

“Wait what?” Slash snapped his head over to the singer, the rest of the band wearing similar expressions of shock, “Since when?”

"Got a solid confirmation yesterday."

"Dude!" Steven flailed indignantly, his eyes panicked, "You gotta run that shit by the rest of us!"

"Why?" Axl pouted, "It's been way too long since we last performed, and Motley's been bringing good crowds so it's perfect." He frowned, "What, do you not want to do the show?"

"It's the fucking principle of it!" Slash huffed, while Steven groaned into his hands.

Izzy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Look, it's already done, so let's not get all fucked up about it," he turned to Axl, "But next time, call a fucking band meeting or something. We live in a shoebox together, just fucking yell or whatever."

The singer didn't look completely convinced, but he hummed in agreement which was enough for Slash at least. But Steven still looked distressed.

"Fuck," he let his head drop onto his drums, "you're ruining my plans for avoiding Vince."

Axl's eyes lit up, "Ooooh, make sure I'm around if you punch him again. Or at least take pictures."

"I'm not going to fucking punch him again!"

"...Well that's disappointing," Axl huffed.

Packing up their things, they soon found themselves sitting around a table at a bar, having migrated towards alcohol without even thinking.

"Should we change our look a bit?" Slash asked suddenly, catching his bandmates off guard.

"What do you mean?” Axl frowned defensively, “What’s wrong with our look?”

"Just for the show at least," Slash shrugged, "I mean, Motely Crue has a pretty hardcore, over the top aesthetic, so the audience will probably be into that sort of thing. Maybe we should play up some glam ourselves." The singer hummed in consideration, and Slash quickly chugged more of his beer as a thought clicked in his head, “Duff used to play all sorts of punk stuff in Seattle!” He pointed at the bass played excitedly, “He could definitely help us get the look down!”

Duff nearly choked on his drink, face flushing, “I-I mean…”

Steven gasped dramatically, “Are we gonna get makeovers? This is gonna be awesome, I’m fucking down for this!”

Suddenly, despite their initial hesitation, most of the band found themselves debating who could pull off the glam look better, and what sort of looks they could do, and guessing what Duff would come up with even as the bassist quietly gaped at them.

“You guys are… serious?”

His words were quiet, but still caught the attention of all four bickering friends. “Sure,” Izzy shrugged, “What’s the harm? Especially if it can catch us some more attention.”

“Plus we can fuck with the Crue,” Axl grinned deviously.

“Of course that’s why you’re agreeing,” Slash shoved his shoulder lightly.

“Well…” Duff drawled, smirking into his drink, “I dunno, I only have like, a week and a half. I think I need some fairy godmother shit to turn you pumpkins into anything glam.”

“Oh fuck you!” Izzy laughed, as they all started complaining over each other. But Duff was laughing too, and Slash felt his heart stop when the bassist leaned against him just slightly. The past week felt so far away now, as the boys all got drunk or high or both, laughing and sharing delusions of grandeur. He tossed an arm around Duff’s shoulders and kept it there for the rest of the evening.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Slash?”

The guitarist practically shot up when he heard Duff’s voice. It was a week before their show, and when he woke up to an empty room and a silent house Slash had assumed the bassist was at work or something, resigning himself to strumming on his guitar lazily and maybe getting high while he mentally debated the least awkward way to kiss a man so absurdly tall. So seeing him here in front of him, shuffling in the doorway of their room, had him lighting up.

“Duff! I didn’t know you were home!”

Shrugging, he hummed, “I just ran out for a little bit. But, um…” his fingers tapped against his thigh nervously, “Y’know how you told me about how you used to steal shit as a kid just for fun or whatever?”

Slash’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Now that he thought about it, he vaguely recalled rambling about his klepto days during one of the times they had been hanging out- Duff’s voice had trailed off shakily when Slash asked about what growing up in Seattle had been like, and he’d been desperate to get that sad expression off the other man’s face and so he had launched into tales of his own wild childhood, drawing shy laughs from the bassist until he was relaxed again.

Honestly though, he hadn’t expected it to ever come back up, “Yeaaaah…?” he stretched the word out with an almost suspicious tone.

But then Duff looked up at him, grinning slowly, and Slash felt his heart stop in the best way possible, “Wanna help me out with something?”

~~~~~

“Oh fuck yes, this is perfect!” Duff darted forward excitedly, snatching a button up top made of sheer black lace off the rack. He held it up, brow furrowed as he considered the garment seriously, “Do you think this would suit Steven or Izzy better?”

“Hm, I’m gonna say Izzy,” Slash grinned.

This was the second thrift store they had hit. Duff had pouted when he mentioned the band’s existing wardrobes, “I get it, we all love leather,” he had rolled his eyes and Slash felt practically giddy at seeing this side of the bassist, “but we could use a little bit of variety for fucks sake.”

So Slash happily trailed along, chiming in when Duff pulled different articles of clothing out, the two of them discussing what would look best on who, and looking over their shoulders as they shoved their chosen items into their jackets and under their shirts.

Duff treated his mission with exaggerated gravity, carefully debating each item that caught his eye before committing to it, struggling to fight back a smirk every time he held up two items for Slash to choose between, “Choose wisely. Lives are at stake here. Don’t fucking laugh, Slash, this is very serious business! Our band’s future depends on whether or not you choose pinstripes or leopard print!”

By the time they reached the third thrift store, Duff was mostly looking for accessories, rifling through bins of jewelry while Slash eyed a derby bowler hat and contemplated how to sneak it out of the store without damaging it.

Twirling the hat on his finger, he couldn’t resist watching Duff for a minute, a small smile on the taller man’s face as he hummed mindlessly, stealthily slipping some rings and bracelets into his coat pocket before turning his attention to a box of scarves.

“You’re having fun with this, aren’t you?” Slash grinned, “Getting back into the punk and glam aesthetic.”

Duff snapped his head up, giving Slash a quick wide eyed glance before looking away again, trying to hide his blush, “Um, I mean, I’m not…”

Immediately, Slash felt a little guilty for pulling the bassist out of the moment, replacing his carefree movements with nervous fidgeting, so he reached out to tug on a strand of blonde hair lightly, “Hey,” he smiled softly when he finally got Duff to look at him again, “I think it’s awesome. Plus I can’t wait to see you rocking a punk look.”

Laughing lightly, Duff smacked his hand away playfully. Turning back to the scarves he was searching through, he shyly looked at Slash out of the corner of his eye before admitting hesitantly, “...When I first moved to LA I had blue hair.”

“No way!” Slash felt himself grinning excitedly, trying to picture the image in his head, reaching out again to twirl Duff’s hair between his fingers, “That’s fucking rad. Why’d you get rid of it?”

Shrugging, Duff examined a silver sequined scarf intensely, “It was… someone told me it looked dumb. And, I mean, they weren’t wrong. It didn’t really… do me any favors,” he tried to laugh it off as he stood, holding the chosen scarf close, but he seemed almost sad as he cast a glance towards the guitarist.

“Oh, that’s some bullshit. Who told you that?” Because Slash wanted words with whoever had the nerve to say something like that to Duff. But the bassist only shrugged, so he continued earnestly, “You couldn’t look bad if you tried.”

Blinking in surprise, Duff turned away, “Oh shut up,” he blushed.

But the guitarist only smiled wider as he pressed, “Pretty sure you could shave your head and still be unfairly hot.”

“Stop it!” he pushed Slash away lightly with a huff of laughter and started to walk away down the aisle, muttering, “You don’t get to call me hot when you’re standing right there.”

It felt like a record scratch in his head, “Come again?” Slash was pretty sure his jaw was on the floor.

“I- what?” Duff glanced over his shoulder nervously for just a second before walking a little faster, “Nothing.”

“Hold up, what did you just say?” Darting in front of the blonde, Slash stood to face him, a smirk slowly spreading across his face.

“Nothing, I didn’t say anything,” he answered too quickly, face bright red.

“Oh no no no,” Slash held his arms out to block Duff’s way when he tried to walk around him, grinning like a cat with a bowl of cream, “You think I’m hot?”

“I-” Sputtering for a moment, the bassist couldn’t seem to get any words out. So instead he turned on his heel and started walking the other direction.

“Oh come on, man!” He followed after, laughing, “Do you need me to call you hot again first?”

“No!” When he turned back to face him Duff looked almost horrified. He quickly ducked his head in a vain attempt to hide the bright red of his cheeks.

“Cause you are,” Slash sing-songed, stepping a little closer, “You’re crazy hot. Distractingly attractive. I can go into more detail if you want-”

“Okay! Alright! Stop! Stop making fun of me!” Duff snapped suddenly. He was still blushing, twisting the scarf between his hands nervously. But now he seemed upset, brow furrowed and shoulders stiff and hiked up around his ears. Slash could see the tension in his jaw as he ground out, “I get it, okay? You’re like, the hottest guy in LA and I probably look like a fucking joke next to you, you don’t need to rub it in.”

Even as Duff spun around and started walking away again, it took a moment for Slash to even process his words. He couldn’t wrap his head around it, but he felt like he just stuck his finger in an open wound. Quickly rushing forward, he grabbed Duff’s elbow to gently pull his tense body to a stop, “Woah, hey, hold on-”

Duff swallowed thickly, looking away in something like shame as he sighed, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“Did you think I was being sarcastic?” Slash asked incredulously.

“I-” he blinked in confusion, shuffling his feet nervously, “I mean…” he trailed off, shrugging in answer.

“Dude,” the word comes out on a breath, because Slash doesn’t even feel like he has room to be shocked or confused right now. He’s too busy being sad. “Dude, no,” he shook his head vehemently, “I was definitely not being sarcastic. I wasn’t joking. I think you’re hot as Hell,” I think you’re fucking beautiful, is what he wants to say, but something about it feels like too much too soon, especially when Duff is staring at him in blatant disbelief, still clutching that slivery scarf in a white-knuckled grip like a lifeline, “You are a seriously good-looking guy,” he gave a grin he hoped was soothing, “and hey, there’s no reason we can’t both be hot, right?”

It took a moment, but finally the bassist snorted lightly, offering a weak smile in return, “So diplomatic. We’re definitely going to have to put you in charge of anything press related when we finally make it big, the rest of us would probably fuck up even with a script.”

He always does that, Slash has realized. This wasn’t the first time Duff had slipped and revealed a glimpse of what Slash was coming to realize was a very battered and fragile self-worth, not that it ever ceased to catch the guitarist completely off guard. But if Slash tried to challenge him on his opinions of himself, Duff would simply smile and redirect the conversation, not arguing, but not agreeing. It made no sense to him. He couldn’t grasp what he was witnessing.

But he got the feeling he was collecting pieces to a puzzle whose picture he already didn’t like.

“I can’t decide if I’m excited for the day Axl punches someone on camera or not,” Slash gave Duff his out. He always did.

Duff laughed, his shoulders relaxing at the new topic, “It’ll depend on whether the person he punches deserves it or not.”

“Good point.”

He knew he'd have to talk to Duff about this eventually. But not yet. He didn't think either of them were ready yet.

With some careful timing, they got out of the store with their pilfered goods, shoving the fabric and jewelry into a couple backpacks they had stashed in an ally around the corner. “Okay, just one more stop,” Duff announced, turning a corner and heading down the street.

“Yeah? Where?” Slash asked.

“Drug store, we gotta grab some makeup,” he stated as if the answer was obvious.

Slash frowned in confusion, “But we already have makeup at home.”

The look of sheer offense Duff shot him had him biting back a smile, “A few broken eyeliner pencils that probably should have been tossed out years ago is not going to cut it Slash.”

Snickering, Slash shook his head as they continued walking. They hadn’t gone far when Duff’s eyes landed on a woman walking towards them, a small Victoria’s Secret bag in her hand. After she passed, the bassist eagerly slapped at Slash’s arm to get his attention.

“What, what, what?” he playfully pushed Duff’s hand away, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

The bassist smirked mischievously, “A bra, a car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar…”

“Oh no,” he groaned dramatically, but he was already smiling.

“The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender replies, ‘I’m not serving you! You’re obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they’re about to start something’!”

Snorting, Slash quickly dissolved into laughter, elbowing Duff in the ribs as the other man grinned triumphantly, “Goddamn it, Duff,” he shook his head in a mix of fondness and disbelief, “Where do you get this shit?”

Still laughing, the two made their way into the store, heading to the makeup aisle and sticking out like sore thumbs. It didn’t take very long, Duff seemed to know exactly what he wanted, grabbing a few eye shadow kits, some mascara, and, to Slash’s surprise, a few tubes of lipstick. He knew Motley Crue usually wore lipstick, but he hadn’t expected Duff to use it for them.

They were heading towards the exit when a stern looking man wearing an employee vest called out, “Hey! You two! Wait right there!”

For a moment, the two rockers were frozen, watching the manager approach with an angry scowl on his face. They should have been more careful, Slash cursed to himself, they were practically the poster boys for suspicious characters in a place like this. Glancing over at Duff, the bassist looked back at him, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.

Fuck it.

“Go, go, go, GO!” Slash grabbed Duff’s hand, dragging him quickly out the door and onto the street.

“Hey! Get back here!”

The manager screamed after them, but they didn’t stop. Turning and bolting, Slash pulled Duff behind him, weaving through the scattered people in their way and shoving through a group of screeching older women. The shouts and curses of the store manager got more distant, the man clearly not bothering to run after them. Still, they kept running for another three blocks before ducking between two buildings just to be safe.

Leaning against the brick wall, they both panted loudly, their backpacks heavy with stolen goods and hanging loosely from their shoulders. After a few minutes, wherein they both caught their breaths and assumed that no one was chasing them, they turned to look at each other.

Then they burst out laughing.

Within moments they were out of breath again, leaning against each other as they laughed hysterically, “Oh my fucking God,” Duff snickered, “This is why I wanted you to come with me.”

“I can’t believe we were so smooth all day and then nearly got taken down in a Goddamn Walgreens,” Slash cackled.

“I want to be surprised but I’m just not.”

“Could you imagine if we had to call the guys to bail us out cause we stole fucking lipstick?”

“They’d probably just leave us there.”

As they caught their breaths for the second time in as many minutes, Slash peeked to look around the corner, “I think we’re in the clear,” he grinned at Duff, “Fuck, I need a drink or something after that.”

“Agreed,” Duff nodded enthusiastically, readjusting his grip on his backpack, “There’s a bar a couple blocks away that also serves pizza,” he suggested.

“Oh fuck yes.”

Moving to exit the side ally, Duff leading the way, Slash suddenly realized that they were still holding hands from their getaway. After a moment of hesitation, he decided not to let go just yet.

After all. Duff hadn’t let go either.

~~~~~~~~

“Here, you go grab a seat,” The place was relatively crowded, looking like they were catching the end of the lunch rush, and Duff left Slash no room for argument as he gently pushed him in the direction of a small table with two empty seats while he made his way towards the bar.

Slash felt like a teenage girl, already missing the warmth of Duff’s hand in his own as he snagged the table wedged in a corner, sitting right next to a dirty window looking out onto the street. Watching cars pass, he waited for five or ten minutes, wondering what was taking Duff so long.

He got his answer though when the bassist returned, two bottles of beer in one hand and two plates carefully balanced in the other. Slash blinked in surprise as he set down the drinks and slid one of the plates in front of him before sitting down.

Looking down at the two slices of pizza, Slash suddenly realized how hungry he was, grinning gratefully, “Thanks man! What do I owe you?”

But Duff shook his head, “Don’t worry about it, it’s on me.”

“What? Are you sure?” Slash frowned.

“It’s fine, really,” Duff insisted, “It’s like, a thanks. For helping out and shit.”

“You don’t have to do that-” Slash started to argue, but Duff cut him off.

“Seriously, it’s cool,” his fingers peeled at the label on his beer as he looked up and sent Slash a shy smile, “If it makes you feel better, you can pay next time, okay?”

Next time.

“Okay,” Slash answered slowly, focusing everything he had on not grinning like an idiot. But he was so focused on trying to play it cool that the words slipped out his mouth almost against his will, “Sure. It’s a date.”

Duff choked on his drink a little.

But he didn’t disagree.

[malecstele]

do you write au's? if yes, could you please write debut-sf-author!magnus and big-fan!alec? before finishing his book magnus wrote inspirational tumblr posts&essays so thats where alec knew (and fell a lil bit in love with) magnus so now he goes to magnus' book launching event where magnus is supposed to sign and spread put some first copies but alec is clumsy af so when he gets there he runs into a bigass book stack and THAT surely gets magnus' attention magnus kinda softly screams to him 1/?

WHO ARE YOU then with a sigh he begins, i'm-- but alec cuts him off by going on a giant monologue beginning with "magnus bane" (as he thought magnus would continue) then describing everything he knows abt his life, ex-jobs and whatever else he knows. then after a long breath he barely whispers "i'm alec lightwood. um, sorry i mean alexander. but you can call me alec if you want. but you didnt come here for that; you probably want me out of here dont you" 2/6

then magnus says "i was gonna say im impressed at just how clumsy one can be" but alec "it doesnt usually happens, i swear! but i was so nervous abt meeting you that i made a disaster..." to all the other ppl who were there and kinda heard everythung they said, magnus "im sorry everyone but it looks like we're short about 50 copies, id say" he shoots a lil glare at alec but then he sees how miserable he feels while picking up books with bent covers and missing pages and his face softens 3/6

he doesnt give alec a definite answer abt staying or leaving immediately so while alecs picking up books magnus silently goes back to talking about the book and signing whatever books are left, ending the event much faster everyone but magnus and alec leave, so magnus helps alec at least put the books back even if he's internally crying at the mess "so, alexander, huh, you said?" magnus's trying to cheer them both up even tho alec feels like shit and magnus wants to kinda cry 4/6 

they kinda begin talking while cleaning up the mess and magnus asks him abt alec's life "since you already know TOO much about mine" (to which they both laugh  a little) alec starts talking abt himself and he kinda forgets that hes talking to his idol  and begins seeing magnus as an actual human, so his nervousness is gone, which makes him quite charming to magnus after they finish magnus offers to take alec back home in his car but alec assures him he has a bike (he cares abt the world OK) 5/6      

magnus observes hes never actually ridden a bike so maybe alec is actually something else than he first seemed so before alec can go and "get out of your head" (which is funny since his thoughts were kinda all abt this guy right here in front of him who seems to be like more than he shows to people) magnus tells him " i know this might seem a little inappropiate but im only at the beginning of my career so it probably doesnt matter that much... 6/6 

First of all, thank you so much for waiting. Life has been pretty hecftic lately and I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer this. I hope you like it! 

Alec could hardly contain his excitement. He was finally going to meet Magnus Bane. The Magnus Bane! Alec could tell by the amount of people in line that not a lot of people knew just how great Magnus was. The line was a decent length, but Magnus deserved so much more. He was releasing his debut novel today and Alec was thrilled when he found out that Magnus was going to be doing a book signing at the local bookstore. 

He had discovered Magnus on Tumblr years ago, when he was first starting out as a blog. He would post these wonderful essays about loving yourself despite what society wanted you to think and how everyone should be proud of their sexuality. At the time, that was what Alec really needed. Only Izzy and Jace knew that he was gay and Magnus’s posts gave him the courage to come out to his parents. He knew that Magnus would never really know who he is, he just needed Magnus to know how much he has impacted his life. 

That was one of the reasons why Alec was there. He wanted to thank him in person, also, Alec just adored his writing and had a little crush on his work. 

Alec looked ahead, there were about five people ahead of him. It wouldn’t be too long before he would be able to meet Magnus. 

Soon, he was next. The lady in front of him was just finishing up. He felt his heart flutter with excitement. The lady thanked Magnus and turned right into Alec. To get out of the way, Alec dodged her, failing to notice the stack of books right next to the table. His stomach dropped when he heard them all fall onto the floor. Mortified, Alec looked at Magnus, who stared back with his eyebrow raised. 

“I’m--,” Magnus began.

“Magnus Bane,” Alec cut him off. He then scolded himself for interrupting him. “I’m sorry. I just really wanted to meet you. I started following you on Tumblr years ago when you were first started out and...well your blog meant, means a lot to me. We were a lot alike, from where we lived to the kind of people we surround ourselves with, our hobbies. When you made that post about being proud of being bi, it got me thinking. I wanted to be proud of who I was and to embrace it like you did. So I came out to my parents and my life has been so much better since. When I heard that you were doing your book signing here, I just really wanted to meet you, to thank you.”

Magnus stared at him with a blank expression on his face. 

Alec sighed and said a lot quieter, “I’m Alexander Lightwood, but you can call me Alec. But you probably don’t care, especially after,” he gestured to the books on the floor. “I should leave, you probably want me out of here, don’t you?”

“Actually,” Magnus said. “I was going to say how impressed I was with how clumsy a single person can be.”

“I swear that doesn’t normally happen! I just was trying to get out of the way and wasn’t really paying a lot of attention because I was so excited to meet you!” Alec looked at the scattered books and started to pick them up. He just felt so bad, some now had bent corners and pages and dents in the covers. 

“I’m sorry, everyone, but we now appear to be fifty copies short.” Alec caught Magnus’s stern look. It softened when he saw Alec trying to fix them. Alec gave him a small smile and continued to pick them up because Magnus didn’t tell him to stop or to leave. He felt so guilty for ruining the man’s day.

Magnus sat back at his table and resumed to sign the remaining books. Alec couldn’t help but overhear him talk to the people. He was so kind and genuinely seemed happy to talk to them. He was truly amazing. Too bad he ruined everything. He watched as some people had to leave because there were no more books, although they were promised new signed copies in the mail. By the time Alec was picking up the last book, Magnus squatted next to him.

“So, it’s Alexander, right?” He picked up a mangled sleeve. “Since you already seem to know about my life, why don’t you tell me about yours?”

Alec couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “It’s not that interesting, I’m working on my masters.” 

“In what?”

“Business” 

“Why that?”

“I don’t know, a part of me thinks that with that degree I would be able to help people.”

“That’s why I wanted to write, I wanted people to know that they’re not alone in this world and that there are people like them out there. I hope you know that it really did a lot to me when you told me how my writing has changed your life.”

Alec smiled at him, “Yeah, well, I wish it could have gone smoother.”

“Well, it made a rather dull day quite exciting. I hope you know that I’m not upset with you or anything. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Thanks, I was worried that you’d hate me,” Alec straightened himself up.

“I don’t think I could.”

Alec’s heart fluttered a little in his chest. 

“Honestly I should probably be thanking you for ending it sooner, my day started with me spilling my coffee all over my expensive rug that I just bought. All day I have been thinking about how much I want to just drink tea and watch something on Netflix.”

“That’s me on most days,” Alec replied.

Magnus laughed, “That’s the good life.”

It was weird, it’s not like Alec thought that Magnus was some superior being. However, he never really thought about his life outside of his writing. To hear him talk about his bad day made Alec think more as Magnus the person rather than Magnus his idol.

They walked out of the shop together. “Where’s your car?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t drive.”

“Oh, well, I can drive you home.” 

“No, it’s okay, I have a bike.”

There’s a look in Magnus’s eyes that Alec couldn’t decipher. It was almost a fond look. “I know this might seem a little inappropriate but im only at the beginning of my career so it probably doesn't matter that much but would you like to go out some time?”

[ralfstrashcan]

3x18 Reaction / Commentary

Anxious feeling of imminent doom in my gut? Check. Skipping breakfast in favor of running to my laptop like a starving person? Check. Chances of surviving this episode with my sanity intact? Uhhh.... Well here goes nothing.

But one more thing before we get started (Does anyone wanna get out? Yeah, me!!!! Okay sorry.)

Who's this mysterious “Alex” person?? A new player on the board???

Alright alright, I'm stalling, I know. It's weird, last week couldn't pass quick enough but now I really don't wanna click the play button... okay anyway you're probably not here to read my angsting, so. Deep breath and here goes.

In terms of putting my nerves at ease this is working out pretty good. I love Becky, okay, and her sibling ship with Simon and the Sneak Peek made me real happy and I can't wait to see more of those two together (especially considering this'll probably be her last appearance on the show). So, yeah Team Lewis! (Also that comment about them and Clary never missing a Halloween together? I need all the kid fics!!!)

Lol dude I mean you literally died for knowing about it, but sure, make an understatement XD Also, “all the way from Florida”??? Last thing I knew about her she was lying in a hospital bed a week ago (aka 3A)? When did she get released? And relocated? I missed that???

:D :D :D <3<3<3

Queen Izzy :))))))) btw those kids had seriously lacking survival skills if you ask me. That wasn't normal, right? And where were their supervisors??

Effing f-i-n-a-l-l-y.

Also, Magnus with the deflecting again as soon as he's recovered just the tiniest bit is both painfully ic and also just painful </3

Ugh, can you believe Clace entered the Malec scene even though they must have felt it was a bad time and deranged it with their flirting? Unfair. In any case I agree, Clary was always and will always be an idiot XD haha okay sorry, I don't really mean that (only like, 83%) it's just the setup was too good to pass it up ;) I mean even Alec laughed at Jace calling her an idiot so I'm well within my rights to do it, too XD

Thanks, Alec, for sabotaging the one shot at open communication you had. I mean, I want to believe he does it because he realizes Magnus is back to his deflecting self and prodding will get him nowhere, but uhm, could he try for longer than three seconds before giving up? Is he really gonna let Magnus off the hook so easily and do something stupid and reckless instead?? *sigh* BUT ALSO HIS FRAKKING FACE OKAY I CAN'T

“Back from the Plot Fold”

Alec “Tact” Lightwood looooool

“Bitch I worked on this performance for centuries how dare you”

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

sdfshfsjdkfjsdf I love the way he talks okay. Exquisite. (Also he has a birthmark on his lip. It's really distracting. Am I implying Asmodeus is hot? Maybe. You can't prove a thing.)

............................................................your self-confident didn't make any progress since season 1, did it, Alec? *sigh* I mean he's basically agreeing with Asmodeus that this is what will happen if their situation doesn't change.

Okay what is structure, let me just yell my impressions of this scene at you. 1) Both of their acting is stellar. Love all the little body language cues, especially Asmodeus's mocking facial expressions. 2) “Return what you stole” and Asmodeus protesting it because clearly he had a “fair deal” with Magnus. 3) Alec breaking eye contact whenever Asmodeus lands a hit (“One he already regrets.” “You make him vulnerable, weak.”) 4) The fact that Alec protests the potential-line with “We love each other.” I was confused at first but when you think about it Alec says that they help each other access their full potential by loving each other and that's a beautiful sentiment. 5) Of course then Asmodeus lands another hit with “Then I'm afraid you will be the death of him” and Alec is back to looking away.

Thank you, Alec, for not being a total idiot.

“...or else the deal is off.” Obviously. Thank you, Asmodeus, for not being a total idiot either.

.........did he just nod? I knew I was right making that 'total' italic, implying he's still somewhat of an idiot XD

sooooo pretttyyyyyyyyyyyyy

And I can't believed Clary missed Luke so much she visited him in prison a total of 0 times.

Look I'm weak and I dig the Jace-Luke-father-son-in-law-dynamic.

Also can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that Alec is able to function as Head of the Institue even though he has to make the hardest decision of his life at the same time?? Just saying. Guy knows how to handle his shadowhunter responsibility. If only he was as capable in handling other things and omg this is not an innuendo you naughty people, I meant emotional intelligence goddammit.

I mean, he's not wrong? The way he cares about her is uniquely twisted, so.

.........................is Alec having 2x12 flashbacks? Because I sure am.

Hmmmm always admiring Clary's screaming skills :)

*sigh* I mean she didn't just SAY intense pain for a short while? Why am I even bothering.

The scientist has spoken lol.

1) They had a whole underground basement full of tons and tons of that serum, right? If those are all made up of nanoparticles then I really really wonder how big the Glorious splitter was that they extracted the serum from. Since, you know, that whole stash was supposed to be enough for the Downworlders all over the world. Wtf 2) I guess “self-destructing” that basement is gonna come back to roost them and they need to recover the original sword to eliminate the Evil Rune, right???? haha

Asmodeus wrote: Hurry up pretty boy, our deal isn't on the table forever ;)

I'm actually impressed Jace remembered to ask Alec about the proposal. You get some more diligence starlets, Jace <3

OMG ALEC ARE YOU SHITTING ME ARE YOU SHITTING ME ARE YOU SHITTING ME *sigh* I mean, those two situations are obviously totally comparable, right? I for my part am, again, having severe 2x12 flashbacks, where Alec asked Jace's council about something that Jace totally wasn't equipped to answer. *SIGH*

And I guess Jace isn't suspicious because of Alec's super suspicious behavior, right?????? Ugh.

The sad part is, Alec will probably see that as confirmation that he should go through with it because he doesn't want to be selfish. So while yay, Alec seeking council, he does it in the worst way possible :( at least I got some parabatai feels out of it :/

On the one hand I'm glad she sees it that way* on the other hand this is clearly supposed to be the influence of the rune, so that's kinda undermining her statement and making it even less credible. Thanks, show.

*Yes he was a victim, no he still carries some responsibility for his actions because free will is a thing and he's had some time on earth where he wasn't exactly coerced by anyone. Manipulated, yes. But he's aware of his agency and he should have used it better. I get that I'm asking for a lot here, maybe too much, and circumstances were always against him, but I'm also not absolving him of all his crimes.

Magnus deflecting because that's what he does. God forbid a scene that could be about him actually ends up being about him instead of a side pairing I couldn't care less about. *sigh*

Also, I'm not exactly sure if Magnus really thinks Alec thought being around Maryse could help him, or if he just said that as another means to deflect because honestly, the way Alec suggested to Magnus he go to Maryse was more the here-go-see-your-babysitter-approach than anything else, especially because he basically cut of the conversation they where having before Clace interrupted. *SIGH*

WELL I COULD

YOU NO FRIKKIN SAY, MARYSE

“My lips are sealed.... especially about my issues ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

THE DISDAIN AHAHHAHAHA CATCH ME WHEEZING ON THE GROUND

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SEELIE QUEEN IS QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this.... actually......... a scene with Alec and Izzy???? HELL YEAH

Okay, words. First off, I LOVE that Alec spills all the beans, and to Izzy, the one emotionally capable Lightwood. I mean, yay Jalec and all, but it's an universally acknowledged truth that Lightwood Men seem to be pretty unable to handle their emotions in a productive way.

Second off, the music playing in the background? Is the one from the Malec Breakup Scene from 2x18. Yay mood reference, I mean. Thanks for that lovely detail, show. (Hahahaha I don't even know if I'm sarcastic or not because it's so witty but on the other hand it's just cruelly twisting the knife like r u for real man give me a damn break.)

Third off, I love basically every line of this dialogue. The fact that Alec (or anyone really) FINALLY acknowledges that Magnus gave up his powers and saved Jace for Alec. Alec's argument: “Magnus sacrificed everything so I could feel whole and now I have the chance to do the same for him.” Also that wording, “a chance”? Not an obligation, not a repayment of a dept. A chance. Because he loves Magnus and this is his chance to fix it. (In his eyes at least, pssssh.)

And Izzy's intent “He wouldn't want this. He loves you so much.” So valid. And less biased (aka skewed by shitty self-esteem) than Alec's assessment of the situation.

Also this

Ouch, just. Ouch. So ic.

Also this

Izzy asking all the right questions. The way Alec looks away means “No” and the determined way he meets her gaze again after means “But that doesn't matter.” Very good scene.

(Honestly the only thing I would have wished for is that Izzy is a little more firm in her assertion that Magnus wouldn't want this and she like, tries to change Alec's mind instead of just accepting his decision.)

hehehe :)

The same time you moved to Florida apparently.

hahaahahha <3<3<3 kick-ass sister material

.........<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 this deserves so much recognition okay. Since we all know drinking away his problems is Magnus's No 1 coping mechanism. Too bad he'll be pushed into his liquor again by Alec unwisely breaking up with him at the end of the episode (because I daren't dream of a change of heart on Alec's side.)

Also is this the part where Maryse blabs out Alec's proposal plans??

Ugh yay, so after Maryse reassuring Magnus that they are all here for him I guess the breakup is just gonna get 5 shades uglier. Yaaay.

Love that necklace damn.

Obligatory Sizzy moment in front of Becky so she can call Simon out on it later: Check. Just glad this role doesn't fall to Raphael. (Also you bet your ass I chose Becky's line as a picture for this because I'm really that petty.)

Also omg, I just peeked into the German dubbing because obviously the Count von Count pun doesn't work because the words for Count and the word for counting aren't the same here and the guy is named Graf Zahl. And just skdjfslkdjfklsdjfkld Simon's line “That does sound really made up” is honest to God transated with “You're right, I just made him up” like oh my God who is in charge of translating this and why are they so incompetent honestly!!!!!!!! W H Y

Lol that's gotta be the first time in his life that he called her Isabelle. Probably because she was slacking off during patrol.

AAAAAND I'M WHEEZING AGAIN AHAHHA HER OFFENDED FACE Honestly the seelie queen and Becky should start a comedy spin-off, I'd be watching the shit out of that XD

HAHAHAHAH HAVE MERCY XD XD XD Then again, can you blame Simon? Izzy is sooooo droolworthy.

1) She's gonna let Alec, Jace and Clary (two and a half shadowhunters ahaha) take on a whole nest of demons alone? Instead of backing them up? Okay???

2) Why they telling them that??? As far as they are concerned Simon and Becky are civilians, not their parents.

?????? NO SHE SHOULD TAKE BECKY WITH HER!!!!!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE BECKY TOURING THE INSTITUTE? BECKY MARVELING AT ALL THE UNREALISTIC SHADOWHUNTER TECH?? BECKY KIDDING AROUND IN THE LAB??? I WAS ROBBED!!!

:)))) even Jace breaking out the comedy :D :D :D I approve

Those are some nice wings. Not perfect, but very very nice.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Okay, Parabatai Fight Scene!!! 1) Jace again with his axes, nice.

2) Being sassy instead of, idk, picking up his weapons: Check.

3) True dat, but uh, Jace, what was the plan if Alec hadn't shown up? Inviting Drevak Queen out on a date?

4) I mean, why shoot one when you can shoot five, right? Good motto. But I still kind of want an explanation how two of those arrows could land in the Drevak Queen's head and the other three in her chest, like, what are physics anyway amiright?

5) Shot meant to make Jace look heroic when really, since we earlier learnt that killing the Drevak Queen kills all her spawn*, this was just Alec doing Jace's work for him XD

*Uh, yeah what the hell is up with that. Chitauri Genetic Defect or something? *sigh*

*Feelings of terrible foreboding intensify*

sssssssssssssssssssssssudden

Look, I agree. I just don't think Maia could really comprehend / accept that so fast (and off-screen) because ugh reasons, too tired to repeat myself again *waves hand unhelpfully* but whatever, I can accept this. I made my peace with it.

1) Last time I checked those cells were secured with a combination lock thingy.

2) Thanks Lanaia for sabotaging Sizzy, I'll be sure to send you a gift basket (or, if what I think will happen happens, some flowers for your grave lol).

*snorts* Reminds me of Hannibal who was always making cannibal puns at people and no one noticed XD Also, her knocking Jace out was really dumb? I mean, he wouldn't have stopped her from saving Jonathan because, uh, that's saving her own neck, too. And if she'd portaled them both to the cell she could have disposed of him there way easier, locking him up – since apparently she didn't plan to kill him, and that nice straightjacket would have kept him from alerting the other Shadowhunters way longer than that pipe over the head. So, wholly unnecessary. I mean, in a way it's nice to know that Demonic Clary isn't smarter than Regular Clary.

Dude she's literally wielding a spear, how dumb are you.

Aaaaaand there goes my order to the nearest funeral wreath shop XD

Look I have questions (which, okay, I should have asked sooner but what even is continuity right). When that weird gratifying wing dream sequence started I thought it was Clary tapping into the rune connection and it was the real Jonathan communicating with her. When Jace entered the play field it was clear at least some part must be fake because Jace sure as heck wasn't unconscious / in trance at the time and later didn't give any indication that he participated in some creepy contest for Clary's affections. But now Jonathan is surprised by this, too? He, too, was a product of Clary's imagination? I have so many questions, first of all, why the wings? And the really cheap back-white-symbolism? Also, why did Clary feel so drawn to Jonathan if this was all in her own mind? Was it the influence of the Evil Rune? Does the Evil Rune have a user interface that's shaped to look like Jonathan? Does that mean Jonathan has a Clary-shaped interface??? I need answers.

Ugh. Let's make this long and painful, shall we.

OF COURSE IN THE ONE SCENE WHERE SHIT WILL GO DOWN THEY DON'T FAIL AT CASUAL INTIMACY THANK YOU FOR  N O T H I N G

Let's not talk about the fact that the thought, Alec could mean anything but a break together from everything that's been going on, doesn't even cross Magnus's mind because no. Noooooo. I'd rather talk about how absolutey awesome both of their acting is. For Alec I really like the way he moves his eyes, like the gaze darting around alternating with the rigid stare. For Magnus, uh, everything, just like, his whole face is perfection?? Yeah, that works.

The way he interrupts because he just needs to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Dammit, he does this eyelid dip here, it's not a blink, it's just his eyelids twitching down for a second because this is like a slap in the face. And then he turns and takes a step away because his instinct is to run from this because what is this, this can't be

“Is this about last night? Because I'm going to quit drinking.”

Magnus “forever apologizing for being an 'inconvenience'” Bane, final installment.

Dammit, his face. And again with the deflecting, trivializing his feelings, anything to keep this conversation from going where he thinks it's going.

*EYE ROLL* Sorry but you don't get to play that card after being effin obtuse for 7 episodes, Alec. Nope. Nope.

Magnus, his usual walls rudely ripped away. He has no chance but to admit how shitty he's feeling. And if it wasn't for the circumstances I'd say “yay, finally some communication” but well.

“Fine. I'm in pain,” he says, and Alec turns away, breaking eye contact for a moment because the final confirmation is too much for him for a moment.

I love that Magnus doesn't deliver this line meekly. He's worked up, sure, but there's also a confidence when talking about their relationship. Breaking up is an unrealistic concept to him in that moment because it's so absurd. It's not fixing anything so why would it happen? Makes no sense. *insert weeping sounds*

Brutal and efficient. Very ic.

Damn how does even his blink convey so much vulnerability??? (Somewhere Lexa is nodding approvingly.) (Also why didn't I find gif sets of this :c)

“You said there's nothing I can do to make it better.”

There's an audible difference in his voice, because this part is true and he's not lying. The controlled monotone isn't there anymore. This is his real despair in the face of not being able to do anything to help Magnus.

“It's not your job to make it better.”

Again, if this was a constructive conversation it would be a great step in the right direction. But sadly it isn't, and so this is too little too late.

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and watch you suffer for the rest of our lives?”

Alec is still speaking the truth, and this is his motivation to go through with it. Because a) he believes what Magnus said about never being happy again without his magic (sidenote, he didn't, in fact, say that, he said it might never pass (meaning being affected by the magic loss) and he's not happy at the moment, which isn't the same as he'll definitely surely never be happy again without his magic, but whatever) and b) he's sure he doesn't mean all that much to Magnus. He's his current love, but that's about it. Nothing special, not worth leaving such devastating traces in Magnus's life and he certainly doesn't mean as much to Magnus as Magnus means to him. And especially from that second part stems his gravely false assessment of the situation which in the course of consideration leads him to the conclusion that breaking Magnus's heart will hurt less in the long run than him not having his magic. There's also the fact that be probably didn't think about how him doing this to Magnus will confirm every last insecurity Magnus ever had about not being lovable, because I can't believe he would have gone through with this if he'd thought of that. Or at least, he would have been visibly more torn about it, maybe even talked out of it by Izzy, etc. But it's ic for Alec not to think like that, because in a way I guess he loves Magnus too much to really understand that Magnus has these doubts. And Magnus mostly playing his vulnerabilities close to his chest isn't working in his favor here either.

“This isn't you. You're not this selfish.”

This is what I mean. If Alec was less convinced that he's doing the right thing this line might have shaken him out of it. Honestly, I half hoped he'd object this, consequentally incriminate himself and Magnus would catch on that something was going on. But ofc that didn't happen.

The spark line, just. Ouch. Again, very clinical and minimalistc. The way Alec stares, his voice back to being monotone, the way he clenches his jaw. And then his work here is done and he's ready to leave.

It only gets worse from there. Magnus, frozen in disbelieve because this can't possibly be true, and then he starts begging and it breaks my heart every single time okay. To see him reduced to this desperation is just cruel.

I still can't help but note the way Alec readily turns around before Magnus has competely turned around himself. I think he was on the brink of giving in.

The way Magnus holds on to him, hands fluttering over his arms, shoulders, cheeks. The way Alec can't even look at him for the barest second, eyes closed, breath going heavy. Magnus's everything. Just kill me now.

And let's not talk about their kisses and Magnus's whispered words because no. There's nothing to say to that except perfection. Intense, top notch emotion portrayal on both parts.

Then Alec pulls away (how???? gotta admire commitment and an iron will when you see it but boy is it misplaced) and Magnus's hands tremble because this can't be happening, this can't possibly be real.

Note that Alec doesn't look him in the eyes once because he knows if he did, it'd all be over. Also note the look of utter betrayal on Magnus's face. It's not just hurt and heartbreak, it's betrayal because this is what this is. Alec promised him something, made him believe that he could trust in him, in them, and now he's going back on his word.

Well, this was fun, let's never do it again.

Look, I don't have the nerve for this anymore, so I'll keep it short and in no particular order: - Asmodeus is ass powerful and manages to distance-summon himself, yay, nice to know that the one time a shadowhunter doesn't act stupid and impulsive it still doesn't pay off. - Asmodeus killing pissed off warlock lady was both obvious and unnecessary. - His smile is creepy. - “My son needs me.” MY ASS - He still needs to support himself on the back of the chair because he's a weak bitch hahaha.

Conclusion: *sounds of despair*

I just watched the 3x19 promo and.... they're really gonna end Malec on a train wreck this season, aren't they?? Oh God. They hoped they'd have a forth season to work through it and that's why they served themselves with issues and second helpings of extra issues, and since s4 isn't a thing we're gonna get an unsatisfying as hell 2x20-style resolution in the finale. God please say I'm wrong but like. Arrgghhhh.

(Also, credit where credit is due: “Before we get started, does anyone wanna get out?” is the line from Captain America in TWS before the elevator fight.)

[bytheangell]

Dreaming Wide Awake - Ch 2

(Read on AO3) (Read from the start) 

Magnus hangs up the call from Alec with a frown.

“What was that about?” Ragnor asks, and Magnus turns to his roommate lost in thought, biting at his lower lip without realizing he's even doing it. He just stands there by the balcony door he wandered towards during the conversation, leaning against it while he runs back over the exchange he just had with Alec. Once he’s certain he has it all processed he finally answers Ragnor.

“Alec wants me to go to Italy with him and his family for a month.” Now that he says it out loud there’s no way this sounds like a good idea. And judging by the look on Ragnor’s face his best friend agrees.

“Wow. That’s… huh.” Ragnor is at least attempting not to say something that sounds as judgmental as the look he can’t keep off of his features, but Magnus still rolls his eyes because he knows what he’s thinking, even if he doesn’t come right out and say it. And then he does just that. “I thought you two were just-”

Ragnor’s choosing his words very carefully, and Magnus doesn’t blame him. This is a conversation they had more than once since his arrangement with Alec began earlier that year... and by ‘conversation’, he’s being kind. Magnus doesn’t want this to turn into another argument so he cuts Ragnor off.

“-we are. Just friends.” Magnus finishes the question off in firm denial, knowing exactly where Ragnor is going with that thought.

“So you’re going on vacation with him as just friends. With his family. To Italy. For an entire month.” Ragnor emphasizes his disbelief more with each additional point.

“Not… exactly.” He isn’t going to lie about it but he knows how this is going to go over. “Only family and significant others are invited.” Magnus hesitates. “He’s going to tell his family we’re dating.”

“...but you aren’t.”

“No.” Magnus confirms, and there’s a hint of disappointment and a touch of longing behind the single syllable. “We’re just going to pretend to be. If I can even go.”

Ragnor nods once and for a moment Magnus things he might get out of this conversation in one piece... then Ragnor snorts out a laugh.

“Please tell me you know how terrible of an idea this is.”

“Of course I do.” Magnus snaps, walking over to the sofa and throwing himself down onto the worn cushions with a heavy sigh of defeat. “But I can’t let Alec know that because then he’ll realize…” Magnus trails off, unable to vocalize the end of that thought without squeezing his eyes shut in frustration.

“...that you’re hopelessly in love with him?” Ragnor fills in, the slightest bit of a smirk betraying his ‘helpful’ intentions.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Magnus pouts. “That’s my job.”

Ragnor laughs again.

“It’s a mild crush. If that .” Magnus defends, as if that makes things any better. And they both know that’s a lie, or at least turning into one the longer this year goes on. “So this should be fine. It’s just pretending, and heaven knows I’ve been dong a convincing enough job at that so far.”

“Yes, but that’s pretending you don’t care. The problem here is that you won’t be pretending to care .”

Magnus considers this for the first time with a deep frown. “Well, it’s too late either way. I said I’d go. He doesn’t want to go alone and I wasn’t really looking forward to spending a whole month stuck here without him, anyway.”

“For starters, ouch , I’m right here. And apparently not good enough to spend a month of summer with.” Ragnor raises an eyebrow. “At least I know where I stand now.”

“What did I say about being dramatic?” Magnus repeats.

“And second, yes, that sounds like an entirely normal, healthy reaction to separation from ‘just a friend’ that you clearly have no deep attachment to whatsoever.”

Magnus hates how right Ragnor is but he isn’t about to admit it.

“It probably won’t matter. I’m sure they won’t want someone new coming this last-minute anyway. And you know what? I take back what I said about it being too late. I can always change my mind and say no.”

“You could,” Ragnor agrees, and for the briefest moment Magnus thinks he’s won. “But will you?”

“Of course I will. I’ll sleep on it, and if it still seems like a terrible idea in the morning, I’ll turn him down.” Magnus says it with such forced conviction that Ragnor, thankfully, drops the subject for the rest of the night. 

---

“Guess what?!” Alec’s voice sounds from behind him before he enters Magnus’ line of sight to cross in front of him and take the seat to his right, as usual. As he passes by Alec leaves a latte on the corner of his limited desk space; it’s a ritual at this point, though Magnus isn’t sure when Alec stopped asking if Magnus wanted him to bring him a coffee and when he just started doing it.

Magnus takes the warm cup in both of his hands and allows himself a moment to bask in the warmth of the caffeine that’s about to pass his lips, doing his best to take comfort in this very needed addition to the middle of his day while trying not to think about the reason he can barely keep his eyes open in the first place.

After his late-night chat with Ragnor, Magnus had too much on his mind to fall asleep at any reasonable hour before he had to be awake for his 8 am class. Well, if he didn’t wake up a full hour and a half early to shower and style his hair and do a full face of makeup, that is. If he rolled out of bed and came to class in sweatpants and a baseball cap to hide any noticeable bedhead then he could sleep a passable number of hours. He has his priorities, though, and nothing is going to change that any time soon.

So instead of sleeping he spent hours laying awake for half the night fretting over whether or not he should take Alec up on his offer, if it came down to it. He already said yes but that was in the moment. He could come up with some excuse to get out of it if he has to, he’s certain - a concert he forgot he has tickets to, or a summer internship he should sign up for that just happens to run the month Alec’s gone. He knows it’s the responsible thing to do. He knows he should be distancing himself from this plan as much as possible. And at some point he drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning convinced that he could make that call, for the best interests of both of them.

But when Alec sits down next to him, beaming like he’s the goddamn sun itself, Magnus knows that was all foolish optimism and he never stood a chance.

“There are actually 30 shots of espresso in this cup and my heart’s going to give out before I have to suffer through my foreign economics exam later?” Magnus guesses, taking a sip of his drink before shaking his head. “Nope. Alright, I’m out of guesses, what is it?”

He definitely doesn’t need the caffeine to make his heart race now - the look on Alec’s face could only be about one thing. Alec confirms his suspicion almost immediately.

“They said yes. You, Mr. Bane, are joining the Lightwoods for a month in Italy.”

The inner conflict he feels at this news must show on his face because a second later Alec’s entire expression changes.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, frowning. “I thought you’d be more excited?” Magnus shakes his head, a slow smile crossing his features. “I am. Really, that’s amazing. I think I’m just in shock because I didn’t want to get my hopes up on them saying yes.” At least that isn’t a total lie. He really didn’t expect them to say yes, but maybe his hopes were flip-flopping a bit for selfish reasons.

“Honestly? Me too. But they had the extra ticket because Izzy and Meliorn broke up, and they didn’t want it to go to waste.” There’s something strange in Alec’s tone, like he’s keeping something more about the whole situation from him, but Magnus can’t pinpoint just what about it doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe it’s the way Alec skirts around mentioning how his parents feel about that ticket going to use for Alec’s sudden, surprise boyfriend. Before he can ask Alec is already chiming in with another question.

“But you still want to go, right?” Alec asks. “Now that it’s official?I know you said yes before but I kinda sprung the idea on you out of nowhere, and it was just a hypothetical.” Alec smiles over at him before hiding his face behind his coffee cup to take a long, satisfied sip, relaxing visibly afterward. And just like that Alec shrugs, his previous enthusiasm gone. “It’s fine if you’d rather not. I’m sure you already had plans in mind for the start of your summer and I’ll have plenty to keep busy with on my own if I have to.”

Magnus can tell that Alec is going out of his way to give him an easy out and realizes he hates the idea that Alec might actually be totally indifferent to the idea of him going or not going. Like he's just something fun to have around, if he can. Magnus has to remind himself, once more, that they’re just friends. There’s not supposed to be any serious emotional attachment here, and he can’t blame Alec for keeping to his end of that bargain. Two can play at that game… even if Magnus is the only one playing the part of the carefree, detached friend. “And miss a free trip to Italy? I do believe I was promised wine.”

Alec’s easy smile is back instantly. “Great! Because I know you’ve always wanted to visit. I already did a bit of poking around, and it’s just a seven hour bus ride from Rome to Matera if I can convince my parents to let us overnight by ourselves in...”

They don’t have time to continue any vacation planning when the Professor dims the lights and pulls up a powerpoint, and Alec’s words drift into silence while he shifts to pull out his usual composition book and pen to start taking notes with.

It takes a lot for Magnus to keep his focus straight ahead. Even when he manages to keep his gaze planted firmly ahead at the front of the room, he isn’t really hearing a single thing the Professor says. The decision he needs to make, one way or another before the next hour is up, takes over entirely.  He doesn’t know why… or maybe he does, and he just stubbornly refuses to admit it, even to himself. Because now that he has the idea in his head that he can do all of the things with Alec he’s wanted to do for weeks, for months , now, he can’t shake it. Magnus wants it. And he knows that’s exactly why he should say no.

He nearly misses the end of class, but in what feels like the blink of an eye Alec is gently nudging his arm.

“Earth to Magnus,” he says, tilting his head just a bit.

“Sorry. Looks like I need more than a latte to keep myself focused today.”

Alec just laughs. “I’ll make it a double shot next time.” Alec shoves his notebook back into his bag, standing to leave. “So you’re definitely in for the trip, right? I can tell my parents so they can finalize the travel arrangements and switch over the names?”

He should say no. He really should.

Magnus can already hear Ragnor’s voice in his head, repeating that this is a terrible idea and he should back out now before Alec has a chance to tell his parents to expect him along.  He knows it’s selfish, and foolish, and probably a recipe for disaster to go along with this.

But he also pictures himself visiting the Italian countryside hand-in-hand with Alexander - even if it’s just for a month - and he can’t imagine anywhere else he’d rather be.

“Absolutely.”

...Ragnor is definitely going to kill him.

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

In My Head

Hello, my lovelies! I’ve been working on this short multi-part story (about 4 chapters) off and on for a while but I’m finally finishing it up now, so I decided to start posting it before I got super busy with real life again. I’ll probably post 1 chapter per week unless you lot beg me to post sooner or I feel extra eager to get the next chapter up, but we’ll see hahah

Side note: This chapter is quite a bit longer than the others will be, but I didn’t want to leave this chapter on a cliffhanger and I needed to give enough of the plot in this chapter that my description of the story would make sense…so yeah, you can definitely expect the others to be significantly shorter than this one is.

This story may not be everyone’s cup of tea (if you REALLY want to know what it’s about before you read it, skip down to the Author’s Notes and give that a quick read before deciding if you wanna proceed) but I don’t write to please everyone, so if you decide to read it...I truly do hope you enjoy! ^_^

***

After yet another exasperated sigh from her best mate, Chloe set aside the fashion magazine she had been flipping through and sat upright on the bed she had been laying on while her best mate was distracted with something else on the other side of the room.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight, Rae? There’s a new movie at the cinema that looks pretty good, if you wanted to do that. We haven’t gone to see a movie in a while and I’d be happy to pay for your ticket, since it was my idea!”

Chloe sat on the edge of Rae’s bed with her feet hanging over the edge as she waited for Rae’s reply.

“Actually, I can only hang out for a little while longer,” Rae responded as she turned away from her closet to face Chloe where she was sitting on her bed on the other side of the room.

“Why? Is your mum making you do something with her tonight? She knows that you and I always have a girl’s night on Friday nights, so I don’t know why she’d make other plans with you. Your mum likes me, so maybe if I talk to her about it, she’d be alright with letting us keep our plans…” Chloe trailed off as she stood from Rae’s bed and began walking across the room to the door to Rae’s room.

“No, it’s not because of my mum...uh,” Rae added before Chloe stepped outside of her room, “I sort of have a date...with Finn.”

“Finn...as in Finn Nelson?”

“It’s not like you or I know any other Finns, do we?” Rae replied with a huff as she turned her attention back to her closet and continued rifling through every article of clothing that she owned.

“I suppose not...how did this happen? When did this happen?” Chloe asked as she took a seat on the edge of Rae’s bed again.

“I’m not really sure what brought it on, but Finn and I were just wandering around the record shop on Wednesday, like we do at the end of every month when the shop puts a lot of the records on sale before they get their new shipments in stock. As we were standing at the till waiting to pay for some stuff we both got, he just asked if I wanted to hang out with him tonight.”

“Well, the two of you hang out all the time, right? What makes this time a date?”

“Yeah, but normally it’s just common places like the Chippy or the Swan when the gang goes to pass time. Or the record shop. Sometimes either his place or mine if we’re just going to listen to music,” Rae explained. “This time he specifically mentioned that he wanted to ‘go out and do something fun’ with me and he suggested bowling...it seemed quite date-like at the time, but now I’m second-guessing myself. What do you think, Chlo?”

“Hmm, bowling...really? If it is a date, it’s not a very romantic or sexy one, that’s for sure. I mean, I take my kid cousin bowling when I want to keep him busy and his mum gives me money to get him out of the house for a bit,” Chloe replied with a slight wince when she noticed Rae look back at her with her eyes wide.

“Oh no!”

“Bowling is like a fun group thing with friends…”

“Friends!?!”

“But I’m not sure about bowling as a date, Rae...I guess it would just depend on the people involved. Some people might like more casual dates. Bowling is pretty inexpensive too, compared to a proper date,” Chloe added with a shrug.

“This is awful, Chloe! What if I got it all wrong and this isn’t a proper date!”

“Well, then...Maybe he just sees you as a friend? And wanted to go bowling with you...as mates only.”

“A friend? I don’t want Finn Nelson as just a friend, Chloe! Should I call and cancel so then I can save myself the embarrassment of showing up and trying to make this into more than what it really is?” Rae asked in distress as she threw herself face-first onto her bed beside where Chloe was sitting.

“Rae, calm down. You don’t need to cancel your date with Finn. If this is your first time together in a date setting opposed to just ‘hanging out’ I’m sure Finn just chose bowling because it’s relaxed and low stress...for both of you!”

“Do you really think so?” Rae asked, barely lifting her face from the pillow it was buried in to prevent her question from being muffled.

“Of course!”

“So I should go on the date?” Rae asked hopefully as she sat up on the bed and angled her body towards Chloe.

“Yeah, that way you can know for sure whether he wanted it to be a proper date or if it was something more...platonic. Now come over here, Rae-Rae, I’ll help fix your hair for you,”

“Thanks, Chloe! I’m so glad that I have you to be my voice of reason and to look out for me,” Rae replied with a smile as she followed Chloe across the room to where she was digging in her bag for whatever tools she thought would be necessary to help style Rae’s hair for her date tonight.

“Of course, babes. I just want the best for you and to see you happy,” Chloe replied with a tight-lipped smile.

Chloe helped Rae finish getting ready for her date while the two girls listened to music and continued chatting about any random thing that came to mind. By the time Rae was ready to leave for her date, Chloe decided to follow her out the door and head back to her house as well after wishing her good luck on the date.

As soon as Chloe walked through the door to her house, she picked up the phone and dialed one of the phone numbers that she has long-since memorized, hoping that the person she was calling would pick up.

“Hello,” a cheerful voice rang out after only a few rings.

“Hiya, it’s Chloe! Thank god you picked up the phone,” Chloe replied with a sigh of relief, “are you free to meet me down at the Swan in about an hour?”

***

Chloe sat at one of the small booths in the corner of the pub, idly picking at one of the paper beer mats as she waited for the person she was supposed to be meeting to arrive.

“Hey Chloe! I know it’s a Friday night, but try not to have too much fun alright?” Archie joked lightly as he took a seat at the table across from where Chloe was sitting and set down the drink he had ordered from the bar.

“Hiya, Archie! I’m so glad that you didn’t already have plans for tonight, because I really didn’t feel like drinking alone.” Chloe replied with a weak smile.

“I see…Is the rest of the gang coming too or did ya just want it to be the two of us tonight?”

“Well, Rae and I were hanging out, but then she ditched me for Finn because they’re going on some type of a date or something and I didn’t want my entire night to be ruined because of that,” Chloe explained, making no attempts to hide the annoyance in her voice.

“Ah, I think I see what is going on now...” Archie trailed off as he took a sip of his cider, “You’re jealous of Rae!”

“I am not!”

“Chloe...can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you are not interested in Finn as more than a friend? You certainly seemed interested in him when the two of you were kissing at the rave a while back…” Archie said and immediately noticed the subtle shift in Chloe’s facial expression at that unexpected reminder.

“I don’t see him like that, I swear! Well, at least not anymore…”

“So you did see him ‘like that’ at some point, right?”

“Well of course I did, Archie! When Izzy first introduced me to the gang he was just this fit lad that intrigued me because he didn’t immediately try to make a pass at me and I liked that. I thought that Finn and I might be good together—until the rave and afterwards when we both decided that there was something off about the kiss we shared and that we’re best off as just mates—but I’ve moved on. I just...I don’t know...I can’t figure out why I’m as bothered as I am, but I am…”

“I see...well, could you maybe be jealous of Finn then?” Archie asked in contemplation as he took another drink of his cider.

“What?!? Are you serious, Archie? I don’t...I mean, I’m not a...Rae and I are, uh, mates—best mates, that’s all,” Chloe hurriedly tried to explain.

“Relax Chloe, I wasn’t trying to imply nothing, I’m just thinking out loud to help ya figure this out. You may not see Rae in that sort of way, but you could still be jealous of Finn because he’s taking time away from the time you would normally be spending with Rae.”

“Huh, maybe,” Chloe mumbled after she had visibly calmed down a bit.

“You did say that you and Rae were supposed to hang out tonight, but she had her date to go on, right?”

“Well, yeah…”

“So that could be it! I’ve known Finn since we were both kids and even now sometimes I’ll get a little bothered when he chooses a girl over spending time with me or the rest of the gang. It’s fairly normal, you just need to learn to not let it bother ya,” Archie replied with a smile as he reached across the table to place a reassuring hand over Chloe’s.

“Maybe you’re right, Archie...I’m sure it’s not a big deal. I just...I just hope she’s enjoying her night out with Finn. She was really nervous and I know that she deserves the best, so Finn better not treat her as anything less than perfect.”

Archie looked across the table at Chloe as she lifted her drink to her lips and finished off the remainder of her glass, waiting for her to return his gaze.

“Trust me, Chloe,” Archie began with a small smile when Chloe looked up to meet his eyes, “Finn proper fancies her. I don’t know what’s going to come from their date, but I can tell ya that he’s not going to do anything to hurt her.”

Chloe gave Archie a small smile of relief and nodded, but was thankful when Archie offered to go get both of them another drink from the bar.

The two continued drinking and talking about college and their classes until well into the evening when they both decided that it was getting late and they should be headed home.

Although neither of them brought up the topic of Rae or her date with Finn for the rest of the night, Chloe could not help but notice how frequently her thoughts would linger on the idea of her being jealous of Finn.

***

College had been especially hectic for Chloe this past week, so when she finally had a few hours to just enjoy her afternoon Saturday without worrying about anything else, she seized the opportunity to treat herself to a relaxing day at home.

Chloe was sitting on her bed, three movies into her romantic comedy movie marathon and painting her nails, when she heard a quiet knock at the door of her room.

“Come in,” Chloe called before looking up from her freshly painted nails and towards the door as it opened slowly, “Oh! I thought you were my mum! What are ya doing here, Rae?”

“Don’t tell me ya forgot! We agreed to spend today together since our girl’s night plans last night were thrown off by my date with Finn. I’m a bit early, I know, but I hoped you wouldn’t mind,” Rae replied as she walked into the room and set her denim backpack on the floor against the wall before closing Chloe’s door behind her.

“Of course I don’t mind, Rae! I’m always happy to see ya!”

Rae sat down on the floor beside Chloe’s bed as Chloe continued painting her nails and the two continued watching the movie that Chloe started before Rae had arrived.

With her fingernails looking freshly polished and perfect, Chloe beckoned Rae to join her on the bed so they could both watch a movie together from a more comfortable position.

“So...how did your, uh, date go?” Chloe asked as she looked through the small stack of movies she had to choose from before choosing one that she knew they both liked.

“It was alright. I think maybe you were right about it not being a proper date, though. I had fun, but I always have fun with Finn and my other mates when I hang out with them. It didn’t feel particularly special, I guess.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Rae! I know you were really looking forward to it,” Chloe replied in an attempt to comfort Rae.

“No need to apologize. I should actually be thanking you for helping me look at the date more realistically so I didn’t set my expectations too high just for me to get hurt.”

“Of course, babes. I just want the best for you, so I’ll always be here for you when you need me,” Chloe reached across to grab Rae’s hand where it rested on her leg and entwined their fingers together, “no matter what.”

Chloe lost count of how many movies they had watched—or even what movies they had watched—but before long, both she and Rae were tired and struggling to keep their eyes open.

“Do you wanna change into our pajamas now? I’m actually feeling pretty tired all of the sudden,” Chloe said as she stood from her bed and stretched her arms and legs that had grown stiff from sitting in the same position for too long.

“Yeah, that sounds good to me,” Rae replied with a smile as she stood from the bed and walked towards the denim backpack she had brought with her to grab more comfortable clothes to change into.

“Alright, you can change your clothes in here and I’ll change in the bathroom down the hall, to give you some privacy.” Chloe replied as she stepped out of her bedroom with her pajamas in-hand and gently shut her bedroom door behind her.

Chloe took her time changing into her soft, pale pink fleece shorts and matching cotton shirt and pulling her hair back into a loose messy bun before walking the short distance back to her bedroom.

She knocked gently on the door to make sure that Rae was dressed and she could enter the room, but when she did not hear a reply, she quietly cracked open the door.

When the door was only cracked open slightly, she could clearly see her mate in the middle of changing as she removed her leggings and folded them neatly before placing them into her denim backpack.

Logically, Chloe knew that she should shut the door or turn away—or do anything except what she was currently doing by staring at her mate through the cracked door as she changed—but Chloe felt like she was frozen and the hand that remained gripping the knob of her door was not moving.

Trying to remain as quiet as she could so as not to alert Rae of her presence, Chloe watched as Rae pulled on a pair of short black shorts that left almost all of her legs exposed in a way that Rae seldom felt comfortable enough let anyone see.

As Rae straightened out her slightly oversized band tee that was only slightly shorter than the shorts she wore, she turned slightly and looked over her shoulder towards the bedroom door that was still cracked open.

“Oh, uh, sorry Rae! Is it alright if I come in now or are ya still changing?” Chloe asked nervously when she knew that she had just been caught.

“No, you can come inside. I don’t mind,” Rae replied with a smirk.

Chloe walked inside and removed the jewelry that she had been wearing that day and placed it on her vanity, trying to give herself something to do to keep herself busy because she was still feeling awkward about peeping on her best mate while she changed.

“Chloe,” Rae sing-songed from behind Chloe, causing her to look over her shoulder.

When Chloe looked back, she saw Rae laying on her side on Chloe’s bed with one arm propping her head up near the pillows and the other arm draped delicately along her side as she idly ran her hand along the line of her hip.

“Yeah, Rae?” Chloe stuttered out.

Why am I feeling so nervous all of the sudden? And why are my thoughts so incoherent right now?

“Come join me,” Rae said as she moved the hand that had been resting on her hip to pat the portion of Chloe’s bed that Rae was not currently occupying.

“Alright,” Chloe said as she switched on the small lamp beside her bed and turned off the other lights in her room using the switch on the wall—creating a much warmer, more gentle glow in the room.

Chloe climbed onto the bed and laid down on her back, leaving some space on the bed between her and Rae.

“So what did you end up doing last night instead of our girl’s night,” Rae asked conversationally, still laying on her side as she faced Chloe.

“Well...Archie and I met up at the pub for a drink,” Chloe said as she turned onto her side to mirror Rae, since laying on her back and just turning her face to speak to Rae was an uncomfortable position to maintain.

“Oh, that must have been fun! Was it just you two or did some other people meet you there as well?”

“It was just us two...Izzy and Chop had plans together as well. I guess it worked out because Archie and I could be pathetic and single together,” Chloe added with a quiet chuckle.

“Chlo! The two of you are anything but pathetic,” Rae chided gently.

“That may be so, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re still the only ones from the gang that were alone and dateless last night,” Chloe added with a shrug.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous, Chloe,” Rae began but continued when she noticed Chloe avert her eyes, “Babe, you have nothing to be jealous of. Based on my date with Finn, I don’t think that very much will come from it. And Izzy and Chop are part of the gang first, so they won’t forget about you. I could never forget about you either, Chloe, regardless of what boys there may be in either of our lives.”

“Thanks, Rae...It’s kind of funny to think that I might have been jealous that you and Finn were on a date last night.”

“Why is that funny to you?”

“Well, when I was talking to Archie and he said that I seemed like I was in a bad mood, he accused me of being jealous of you. When I assured him that I don’t think of Finn like that, he accused me of being jealous of Finn, because he was the one on a date with you,” Chloe replied with a small chuckle as she began absentmindedly inspecting her newly painted fingernails during the comfortable silence that was forming between them.

“Well, were you?” Rae asked quietly after a short stretch of silence had passed.

“Was I what?” Chloe replied just as quietly, as if speaking any louder would disturb the peaceful comfort that she was feeling as she laid in bed beside her best mate.

“Where you jealous of Finn because he was on a date with me?” Rae clarified.

“Oh,” Chloe looked up from her nails and noticed that Rae was looking directly at her, trying to read her reaction to the question as she waited for Chloe to respond.

“I don’t know...maybe a little bit,” Chloe muttered, unsure whether she wanted to look at Rae to gauge her reaction or look away out of embarrassment at what she had admitted out loud.

When Rae did not respond after a couple seconds, Chloe began to panic and began trying to figure out how to backtrack and take back what she had just said.

“I mean, I was just a bit jealous because we always hang out on Friday nights and he had plans with you instead and—” Chloe’s quiet rambling was cut off when Rae reached forward with one of her hands to brush a stray piece of hair behind Chloe’s ear and she gave Chloe a warm smile.

“Don’t worry, Chlo, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Rae reached forward in the space on the bed between their bodies and took Chloe’s hands in hers as she continued, “If I’m being honest as well, I would have much rather had been here, in your bed with you instead.”

Chloe was surprised to feel heart flutter slightly when Rae gave her a wink and began to ghost her finger tips over Chloe’s hand and wrist as the silence between them grew.

Chloe liked the feeling of Rae’s soft skin against her hands, perhaps a bit too much, but she still couldn’t bring herself to pull her hands away from Rae.

She continued watching Rae, unsure what else she could do or say for fear of disrupting Rae’s gentle caresses, and paid close attention to when Rae began humming quietly along to a melody that must have been playing within her head, a slight smile causing her lips to curve upward slightly.

Rae has such a pretty smile...so sweet, yet subtle, so you really need to know what to look for in order to notice the smile.

Such a pretty smile and such nice, plush, pink lips…

They look so soft. I wonder if they are as soft as they look...

When Chloe realized that she had gotten distracted staring at Rae’s lips and had even began angling her head the slightest bit closer to Rae, her cheeks tinted pink and she pulled her hands back from Rae, wrapping them around herself to try to hide and close herself off from the realization that she had allowed herself get carried away thinking about her best mate like that.

“Is everything alright?” Rae asked in a whisper and Chloe could feel the warmth of her breath on her cheek as she spoke, given their close proximity to each other.

“Yeah, I think I’m just tired. I’m gonna try going to sleep, I think…” Chloe mumbled.

“Alright. Good night, Chloe. Sweet dreams,” Rae reached forward and brushed a hand along Chloe’s cheek before tilting her head forward to place a small peck on Chloe’s cheek.

Rae pulled back after the brief kiss and gave Chloe a sweet smile, but Chloe was still too in shock from the kiss and the feeling of warmth that seemed to linger—as if Rae’s lips were still in direct contact with Chloe’s cheek—to return the smile.

Rae leaned her head forward yet again, biting her lower lip slightly and slowly glancing between Chloe’s lips and making direct eye contact with Chloe.

When Chloe gasped quietly, Rae chuckled under her breath and quirked an eyebrow up slightly, giving Chloe all of the power to make the next move.

What is Rae doing? Is this some kind of challenge?

Or...is it an invitation..?

Before Chloe could overthink things further, she felt herself subconsciously bring her face closer to Rae’s, closing the distance between them as their lips met in a shy, uncertain kiss.

Chloe pulled back almost immediately, but before she could stutter out the apology that she was trying to form within her head, Rae brought a hand up to Chloe’s cheek, coaxing her face closer to hers as Rae kissed Chloe this time. The kiss began just as gentle and shy as Chloe’s had been, but Rae deepened the kiss only a fraction when she noticed Chloe begin to relax into the kiss a bit more.

The kiss remained sweet and tender and Chloe began to feel more at-ease before long, so she allowed herself to actually enjoy the kiss.

In a sudden burst of confidence, Chloe drew back from the kiss slightly to gently nibble Rae’s lower lip and run her tongue across the spot before resuming the kiss as they had been before. To her surprise, this subtle action elicited a pleased sigh from Rae that made Chloe want to do anything she could to keep making Rae sigh like that.

As their kiss continued, Chloe and Rae continued shifting slightly closer to one another until they had removed nearly all the space between each other on the bed and their legs were slotted together as naturally as if they were meant to fit together.

Chloe brought her hands up to Rae’s face to caress her cheek before ultimately allowing her hand to linger in the back of Rae’s hair, gently pulling the two even closer as the kiss lost some of the initial sweetness and became more passionate.

Rae pulled her lips away from Chloe’s—causing her to pout slightly—and moved one of the hands that had been caressing Chloe’s cheek onto the bed on the opposite side of Chloe. With Chloe’s torso on the bed beneath Rae and Rae hovering over her for a moment when the pair both caught their breath, Rae leaned forward again, this time beginning to leave a trail of kisses along Chloe’s jaw and neck leading down towards the portion of her collarbone that was exposed by the neckline of her shirt.

Chloe sighed gently when Rae’s lips made contact with a spot just below her collarbone, surprising herself with the sounds she was making, but Rae took them as an invitation to explore further and to determine what other sounds she could pull from Chloe.

“Oh my god, Rae,” Chloe sighed as Rae found a particularly sensitive spot just below Chloe’s neck and proceeded to alternate between kissing and sucking gently at the soft skin.

Rae chuckled quietly against Chloe’s skin, taking Chloe’s response as a sign to keep going.

“Wait, Rae...holy shit! Please...stop for a second,” Chloe begged despite her desire for Rae to keep doing exactly what she was doing.

“What’s wrong, Chlo? Do you not like when I do this?” Rae asked quietly, giving Chloe a teasing kiss in the same spot.

“Fuck...no, I love it,” Chloe replied breathily as she tried to regain some semblance of composure in order to speak.

“What is it then?” Rae asked as she angled herself away from Chloe to give her a bit more space, despite her torso still being propped up above her.

“I just—uh...before this gets too far and we do something that we’ll regret later...what are we doing here, Rae?”

“We’re doing anything that you wanna, Chloe. I want you to enjoy yourself too,” Rae said as she leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Chloe’s lips before continuing, “so please tell me if you want me to stop or do something different. Or if you want more—”

“I want more,” Chloe said immediately.

“More of what? Tell me what you want, Chlo,” Rae said as she brought a hand to Chloe’s face and angled her head to look at her fully.

“I want you, Rae. I want...I want anything and everything that you’re willing to give me,” Chloe replied, surprising herself with the honesty of her statement.

“Alright, your wish is my command,” Rae replied as she leaned forward and resumed her exploration of Chloe’s neck and collarbone with her lips, avoiding the spot she knew would drive Chloe wild.

“Rae, stop teasing me! Please!” Chloe begged as she arched her back up off the bed and pressed her chest against Rae’s as Rae shifted her legs until she had a leg on each side of Chloe’s hips, straddling her as their lips met in a heated kiss that was nothing like the gentle, sweet kisses from before.

Rae’s lips returned to Chloe’s collarbone, finding Chloe’s favorite spot almost immediately, causing Chloe to gasp quietly as she wrapped her arms around Rae’s waist to pull her closer to her, desperate for any space between them to be gone.

Chloe continued panting as Rae kissed her neck and she began feeling her way up the soft skin of Rae’s back beneath her shirt, taking her time to reverently caress every part of Rae that her hands encountered on their path.

Chloe felt Rae’s hands drift down towards the hem of her shirt and begin to lift it slightly, and Chloe began to nod preemptively, in anticipation of the question she was likely going to ask.

“Chlo, Can I..?”

“Oh my god. Yes, please do…”

Rae grabbed the hem of Chloe’s shirt and slowly began to pull it over her head when Chloe pulled away from Rae and lifted her arms to make it easier for Rae, making sure to caress all of Chloe’s torso in its entirely.

Chloe was impatient and finished pulling the shirt over her head before tossing it across the room, not at all caring where it had ended up.

Rae raked her eyes across Chloe’s exposed torso as she laid beneath her on the bed wearing only a bra, lustily biting her lower lip as she appreciated the sight in front of her before leaning forward again to meet her lips with Chloe’s.

“Oh my god...you’re so amazing, Chloe.” Rae mumbled against Chloe’s lips between kisses.

During the heated kiss, Chloe brought her hands up to the smooth skin of Rae’s thighs and began to massage and caress every bit of exposed skin she could get her hands on as she worked her way up towards Rae’s hips.

Chloe panted between kisses, hands gripping wildly at Rae’s hips and thighs in an effort to keep touching her and desperately trying to catch her breath but unwilling to stop kissing Rae for longer than was absolutely necessary.

When Rae finally pulled away from the kiss and tuned to lay on her back beside Chloe on the bed to catch her breath, Chloe immediately climbed over Rae to straddle her hips and began kissing along Rae’s neck and collarbone, refusing to break contact with Rae in the heat of the moment.

“Hmm, yes…right there, Chloe,” Rae replied, still slightly out of breath, as Chloe’s kisses began to dip further below the neckline of Rae’s band tee.

Chloe smiled against Rae’s collarbone before continuing her alternating pattern of kissing and gently sucking on Rae’s perfect, pale pink skin, anticipating the scattered marks that her ministrations were likely to leave behind.

“Oh! Chloe!” Rae called out loudly as Chloe began kissing further down her body and one hand went to the back of Chloe’s hair to help steer her in the direction of where Rae wanted her most.

Chloe complied more than willingly and allowed Rae’s hand in her hair to guide her head lower until she was in the perfect spot to place gentle kisses on the inside of Rae’s thighs, making Rae’s other hand grip the sheets of Chloe’s bed tightly.

“Chloe!” Rae began panting in a prayer-like chant as Chloe continued kissing her inner thighs and worshiping the girl beneath her that was writhing in pleasure and anticipation.

“Chloe!”

“Chloe!”

***

“Chloe!”

Chloe’s eyes snapped open suddenly and she had to take a moment to look around her room and remember where she was.

Chloe sat up in her bed, flushed and thoroughly breathless from the dream she had been having, and her stomach dropped.

Wait...that was just a dream?

What happened between Rae and I...could I really have dreamt all of that?

It had all felt so real…

“Chloe Gemmell!” called a voice loudly from the opposite side of Chloe’s closed bedroom door followed by a loud knock.

“What, mum?” Chloe called through the closed door.

“I’ve been calling you name for ages! Did you really not hear me or are you just ignoring me? There’s someone on the phone for ya!”

“Oh, uh, sorry Mum. I must have been pretty deeply asleep. Who’s on the phone?”

“It’s Rae.”

As soon as Chloe’s mum said Rae’s name, Chloe’s stomach began to turn and a wave of nausea came over her.

“I’m not feeling so great, mum, and I don’t really feel like talking right now. Can you just tell her that I’m feeling ill or asleep or not here or something?”

“Are you and Rae fighting? Just the other day you two were inseparable and now you don’t wanna talk to her. I thought you two were best friends,”

Yeah...best friends…

But then again, a real best friend really wouldn’t dream about hooking up with their best friend.

Would they?

“No, we’re alright, mum. I’m just really not feeling well. Can ya at least tell her that I can give her a call back later? Please?”

“Alright, Chloe, I’ll tell her. If you’re not feeling well, I can bring you some tea. Do you want anything to eat with your tea?”

“Oh, no. I don’t need tea or food or anything, Mum. I honestly just want to be alone and I might try to go back to bed to sleep it off,”

Chloe’s mum hummed in acknowledgment from the other side of the door before walking down the hall.

When Chloe could hear her mum pick up the phone and explain to the person on the other line that Chloe was feeling ill and would try to call her back later, she sunk back down beneath the covers of her bed.

Why did I dream about that?

Rae is my best mate and I care about her…so why would my subconscious make me dream that Rae and I were more than just friends?

A quiet knock at the door signaled Chloe’s mum walking into the room with a mug of tea in one hand a small plate with toast and jam in the other.

“I think you’ll feel better if you have something in your stomach, so I just made you some tea and toast, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Thanks, mum,” Chloe replied as she took the offered tea and plate from her mum and set them on the small table beside her bed so she could sit upright on her bed.

Chloe’s mum took a seat at the foot of Chloe’s bed and looked at her daughter in concern.

“You really don’t look so well, Chloe. Your cheeks are flushed and you look like you may be running a fever or something. Were you feeling ill last night when you went out with your friend?”

“Not really, no. I think there is a flu going around at college, so I might have caught that,” Chloe explained, adding in a fake cough in an attempt to convince her mum.

“Okay, perhaps you’re right. Alright, I’ll let you rest now, dear. Let me know if you need anything,” Chloe’s mum said as she gave her daughter a kiss on the top of her head before leaving the bedroom and closing the door behind her.

As Chloe began sipping the tea and nibbling on the toast, her mind was racing with the same recurring question: Why?

Why did I dream about that?

Why does this dream bother me as much as it does?

And…

Why am I so upset that the dream was only just a dream?

A/N: So this short multi-chapter story explores the friendship dynamic between best friends when one friend thinks they might have a crush on the other. I’ve touched on it before with Archie/Finn so I thought it was only fair to tackle it from the perspective of Chloe/Rae as well.This story sort of takes place around the start of S2 and you can see some subtle and not-so-subtle references to early S2 events, but I took a lot of creative liberties when writing this story as well haha.

I drew a lot on my own personal experiences because I’ve had crushes on so many female friends and it’s caused heaps of trouble for me. I’ve also had my share of inexplicable sex dreams involving people I’ve never thought about that way before and I’m always so confused and shocked, so yeah...I put a lot of myself in this story hahah.

I was also inspired to write this story by a song called Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko. If you’ve never heard the song and wanna check out a talented pop artist that almost exclusively sings about her love for women and being shamelessly lesbian, then feel free to click the link and give it a listen. (Hayley Kiyoko is also highkey the love of my life and I got to see her perform live in concert back in August and she’s so cute and beautiful and talented and amazing and the entire time she was performing my heart and brain were just screaming “jfc Sarah!! You are very gay! You are oh so very gay!! GAAAYYYY!!! So so so so gay and you are especially gay for Hayley Kiyoko” so who am I to argue with both my brain and my heart when they are in agreeance like that!?! Lol)

I know what you all must be thinking “GASP, two stories posted within the span of only about a week?!?!? That’s so unlike you, Sarah!” And you sort of have a point, haha…I was gonna post this soon, but not necessarily this soon. Lucky for you all (but unlucky for me), I got incredibly sick last week and hardly left my bed at all for a few days because I felt like I had the plague and I was taking large quantities of cold medication. All of that means that I had a lot of extra time for writing in-between taking naps, drinking large quantities of tea, coughing my lungs out, and wishing for the sweet embrace of Death to finally take me rather than spending another day sneezing and coughing constantly. (Okay, I will admit, I am being just a touch dramatic, but still…being sick is no fun.)

As I mentioned, I have most of this entire story written and I just need to edit and put final touches on the next few chapters, but I can say with a decent amount of certainty that this story will not take me over a month to update hahaha…Anyways, until next time: Stay awesome, my friends! :)

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @fuckprevalence!

“So many people are here already!” Izzy said, apparently stunned, as the three of them walked up Lydia’s driveway. People had already spilled out into the front lawn, all holding red plastic cups and talking very loudly to each other. They were also, Alec noted with dismay, drunk.

“Duh,” he replied, instead of commenting on how many people there were. “We’re an hour late.” He dodged a couple of girls who were stumbling down the pathway, giggling to themselves. One of them glanced at him, pouting, before they carried on walking. “Thanks to you.”

“Looking this fabulous takes time,” Izzy rolled her eyes at him, gesturing down at herself. “And anyway, we’re on time. It’s called being fashionably late? Honestly, Alec. If we’d had your say, we’d have been here to set up. The party probably only started half an hour ago. And anyway, you don’t want to be the first person to arrive. Then you can’t make an entrance.”

“She’s right, bro.” Jace patted him on the back. They’d reached the front door now, and Alec already could barely hear Jace speak. The music was deafening, drowning out even his thoughts. Did people really like to go to these types of parties? “Hey, maybe this year you’ll find someone to kiss at midnight.”

“I don’t believe in those kind of things-” Alec called loudly, but they were inside and Jace was already backing away.

“What?” Jace shouted back. “I didn’t hear you. Anyway- see you later. I gotta go find Clary-” And then Alec was alone. Izzy had apparently disappeared, probably to go find her group of girls- and if Jace had gone to find Clary Alec wouldn’t be seeing him until tomorrow. Clary Fray. Jace’s new girlfriend. Fiery red hair, a temper, and a love for art. Jace was smitten, but Jace was always this passionate about everything. Alec reckoned the relationship would last until the start of senior year.

He sighed, and started making his way to the kitchen. That was always his go to, when trapped at a party. It was often quiet, and there was always tap water on hand. Sometimes he’d even have company- another person who’d been forced to come to the party. Alec pushed past a group of boys. One was drinking an entire bottle of beer without a break as the others cheered, and Alec ignored the sinking feeling that he’d never find a guy that he liked. They were all too immature.

Except Magnus. Who probably didn’t even know Alec existed.

Finally he made it to the kitchen. The noise was slightly subdued, and there was no one else in there, so Alec leant against the counter and closed his eyes. It was at times like these that he questioned what he was doing with his life. Sure, it was okay. He got good grades at school, he was on the football team, and he was basically happy. But he was also being dragged to parties by his brother and sister because according to them he had ‘no social life.’ And his 2017… hadn’t been that great. Average. No amazing memories to look back on.

“Any reason why you’re standing here all alone?” Came an all too familiar voice, causing Alec’s eyes to fly open in a panic. Sure enough, right in front of him was Magnus Bane, holding half full cup, laughing at him. A red hot blush burnt his cheeks.

“Um-” Alec said, desperately trying to think of an excuse to say. His heart was beating way too fast to be healthy; Magnus Bane was talking to him, Magnus Bane had noticed him. And it was for being a weirdo. “Uh- I don’t like parties.”

That had to be the worst excuse ever. Especially if Alec ever wanted to be seen as anything but pathetic in the eyes of Magnus. His crush was the King of creative arts. Magnus starred in every drama production, and the clothes he designed in Textiles had won competitions. (Not that Alec had ever stayed up all night stalking his social media.) And he was extremely clever as well- he was top of his class in English. Why had Alec said that to him?

“Oh.” Magnus shrugged, apparently not going to run away from the strange freak. “That’s fair enough, I guess. Raphael hates parties.” Then he paused. Alec’s heart was slowing down, and he’d started breathing normally again. “Oh, I’m such an idiot. I’m Magnus Bane, I’m in your year but you might not have ever seen me around.” His smile was award winningly beautiful.

“Yeah,” Alec squeaked. “Alexander Lightwood- um- Alec.”

“Nice to meet you, Alec,” Magnus said, though there was an odd expression on his face. It disappeared almost instantly, so Alec ignored it. Afterall, he was actually talking to Magnus. Magnus was talking to him. “Even if it is in Lydia’s kitchen.”

“Yeah.” Shrugging, Alec tried to relax against counter. “Why are you in here, then?”

“Getting more of this,” Magnus held up his drink. “Don’t tell anyone, but it’s actually tap water. Everyone thinks it’s vodka- but I don’t want to drink tonight. I want to remember the last night of 2017. Even if it has been the shittiest year known to mankind.” Suddenly, Alec liked Magnus even more. Not only was he beautiful, and a seemingly good friend, and amazingly creative, but he was sensible. Mature. Didn’t just drink his life away.

“Same here.” Alec said, excited that they had it in common. “Well- I don’t usually drink at all. Whatever time of year it is. I don’t like the taste of alcohol?” Plus there was the fact that he didn’t want to get so drunk he went around kissing all the boys that were minorly attractive. “Also, do you really believe this has been the worst year? Out of all the years?”

“Trump.”

“The world wars,” Alec argued. Magnus sent a surprised grin, setting down his cup next to Alec and then leaning against the wall opposite him. He crossed his arms.

“Brexit.”

“The slave trade.”

“You’re good at this, Alexander,” Magnus laughed lightly. “Fine. There have been years just as bad as this one. You win. But- I still keep my opinion. 2017 needs to end now and leave us with 2018. I’m excited by the idea of a new year.”

“Have any plans?” Alec asked, fully aware that this may be the only time he’d ever get to truly talk to Magnus. Though, the boy was apparently willing to stay and talk to Alec instead of run back to his friends. Which was more than Izzy or Jace. Maybe Magnus actually enjoyed talking to him? Or maybe he just felt trapped?

“Um, not as many as I’d want. I have a couple concerts booked to go to with Catarina… and I’m going to New York Fashion Week!” His face lit up, and Alec felt the butterflies in his stomach increase their activity. Magnus was just so beautiful, especially when he looked so excited. “It was so expensive, you have no idea, but it’s so going to be worth it. I’m already excited, and it’s in february. That’s ages away.”

“You’ll just have to find something to do in the mean time to take your mind off it,” Alec suggested.

“Deciding on my outfit for it will take at least a month,” Magnus grinned. “So I only need to distract myself for two weeks. Which is easy, considering how much work I will have to do when term starts up. I was going to do a load of coursework and stuff over the break but… well, you know. Life gets in the way. As does netflix.”

“Any particular shows?” Alec asked, as an extremely drunk boy stumbled into the room. He recognised him from Math class-Ragnor. One of Magnus’ friends. Probably come to tear Magnus away from Alec.

“Yooo, shit face, where did you go?” Ragnor shoved an overfilled red cup into Magnus hand, leaning against the wall as if he’d fall if left to stand on his own. “I turned around to find that you’d disappeared. Why you hanging out here?”

“I’m chatting with Alec,” Magnus rolled his eyes, only a flicker of anything other than amusement in his eyes. “Go and bother someone else, old man. I’m busy.”

“But why, man?” Ragnor looked at Alec, confusion scattered across his features. “He’s just another random jock. And I’m pretty sure this guy is friends with that Jace dude. You know how Cat feels about that Jace dude.” Magnus flashed Alec a glance, and then steadied Ragnor- who had nearly fallen over. Apparently even the wall couldn’t support him. This was why he hated parties.

“Just leave, honey.” Carefully, Magnus turned Ragnor around and pushed him out of the room- leaving Alec to stare after him in amazement. The fact that Ragnor and Alec were in the same year… were the same age… it was baffling. Alec never thought it would be fun to get so pissed you nearly collapsed. “Sorry about that, Alexander. Ragnor is usually very sensible- albeit very grumpy- but when Tessa drags him to parties he somehow always gets hammered.”

“No, it’s okay,” Alec smiled, but before he could relax back into the relative calm of the empty kitchen, Izzy was leaning against the doorway.

“Hey, hey, heyyyy Alec!” She called loudly. “It’s nearly time! Come out of your little hideout and count down to midnight with us! Jace and Clary are waiting. Ooooh- you can bring this guy too. Hiii-” She waved at Magnus, who was looking a little bewildered, and then turned around. “Come on!”

“That’s your sister, right?” Magnus asked as they made their way out of the kitchen and back into the party. The sudden noise was deafening, and Alec found himself holding onto Magnus’ arm so as not to lose him. It was strange, where this hidden courage came from. “I think I recognise her.”

“Yeah,” Alec said, nodding just to make sure Magnus got the answer. “Izzy. She’s… um- she loves parties.” Laughing, Magnus pulled them to where said sister was standing. “Unlike me.”

“Ah, well.” Magnus shrugged. “Whether you like parties or not, it’ll be good to say goodbye to 2017. Ready to count?”

A cheer went up around them before Alec could answer, and then the number of ten was being called out all around him. He felt a surge of hope as he joined in with the number nine; if he started off his 2018 standing next to Magnus Bane- it was obviously going to be a good year.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Whoops and cries came from all around.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Magnus’ face was lit up as he shouted the numbers, and adrenalin ran around the room.

Two.

“One!” Alec shouted, and before he could think Magnus was grabbing his jacket and pulling him down. Their lips touched as the fireworks started to go off outside, and at first Alec was too shocked to think- but then he realised that Magnus’ warm lips were against his, and it felt good- so he kissed back. Magnus placed his hand on Alec’s waist, and it felt good- grounding Alec. He smiled into the kiss.

“So- um-” Magnus had pulled away, and Alec was then fully aware of the party still in full swing around them. Luckily everyone here didn’t seem to really care about the kiss and was just getting on with becoming as drunk as possible before they passed out. “I’ve wanted to do that for such a long time.”

“So have I,” Alec admitted, because his legs felt weak and his heart was probably going to escape from his chest. A large grin appeared on Magnus’ face, and it looked beautiful.

“So, what do you think about… going out some time? On a date?” Magnus stepped a little back from Alec, still close enough so they could hear each other. He was fiddling with his hands, Alec noticed, and he was biting his lip. Lips Alec had kissed.

“Yeah,” Alec grinned back. “I, uh- I think I’d really like that, actually.” Magnus seemed to relax. Without thinking, Alec reached forward and held his hand. It was hot and sweaty- but that wasn’t the point.

“Oh My God-” Izzy bounced up to him, this time waving her phone at him. “I managed to get the kiss on camera! I was just filming the party- not paying attention as I kissed Simon- and I just looked and I got it! That is- officially- the best thing ever.” Opening his mouth, Alec tried to interrupt. “I’m definitely going to have to post this on instagram. And were you guys talking about dates? Alec are you even going to introduce me to this guy?”

“I was about to, Iz,” Alec said, rolling his eyes at Magnus- who just laughed and ducked his head, a warm blush on his cheeks. “This is Magnus. Now, you’re my sister and I love you, but could you go bother Simon instead?”

“I’m looking forward to getting to know her,” Magnus laughed as they were finally left alone. They started making their way back to the kitchen, dodging groups of people. “She seems… like a force of nature. But from what I’ve heard, so is Jace. How do you survive, Alexander?”

“I barely do.” Leaning against the counter again, Alec felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter as Magnus leant next to him this time. “I just kind of… hide. In the kitchen,” he joked, gesturing around him. “Well, mainly in my room. Or I go on a run. I’m part of the football team, so I gotta keep fit. Even over the christmas break.”

“Believe it or not, Alexander, I know that you’re on the football team.” Another small, embarrassed, smile played on Magnus’ lips. “I may or may not have gathered information on you. And then… I may or may not have come to all the football games just to see you. I wasn’t lying before: I’ve had a crush on you for a while.”

“Oh my god,” Alec grinned. “That’s totally what I did for you. I saw you once, talking with Ragnor and Catarina while walking down the hallway. I’ve gone to every single school production because of you. Really, we should have done this a long time ago- instead of wasting all that time.” He couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed. There was something about being with Magnus that just meant he… could actually relax. It was refreshing, as well as a little bit scary. But a good scary.

“We’ll just have to make up for lost time,” Magnus grinned, pulling Alec down for another kiss.

[lookoolah]

208 with whatever ship you want 💕

thanks francy ily!!

208. At what point did you think that was a good idea?

Simon wascovered in dirt, his jeans were ripped, he had at least 3 scratches on his face– at least only one of them was bleeding – and he was sitting on the ground inthe pouring rain, watching Jace walk out of his car a few feet away that he gota couple of months ago due to his newfound obsession with cars that startedafter randomly volunteering to go to a car museum with Luke and Clary. Hisfacial expression immediately changed from annoyed to horrified as he ran up towhere Simon was sitting on the sidewalk.

 -      Ohmy god, what happened? Was there an attack? Are you still getting hunted forbeing a daylighter? Are there demons around? Was it some dumbass shadowhunterbecause I swear to god if it was, I’m not even going to bother telling Alec,I’m just going to go beat his ass myself, who the fuck gave him the right to-

-      Nothinglike that happened, dude, chill, I’m safe! – Simon interrupted him, a warmfeeling forming in his chest at the realization that Jace was worried about him.

-      Oh.– He made a pause, trying his best to go back to the annoyed uncaringexpression that he constantly tries to remain when Simon is around, despite howa giggle or two always does slip whenever Simon makes a joke that is just toonerdy or dumb and then he always turns to Jace, never missing the chance togive him a wink and finger guns and always getting an attempt to suppress asmile and an eyeroll back.

-      Whathappened then? – Jace kneeled down helping Simon up. – Can you walk?

-      Ithink so. – Simon said and after making a step he completely regretted thatsentence, feeling the shooting pain in his knee. – Oh fuck nope, never mind. Sorry,I didn’t have anyone else to call because Clary and Izzy weren’t answering andMagnus and Alec are somewhere in the Caribbean right now and I honestly didn’thave anyone else’s number. Maybe just call me an uber and I’ll just get to theJade Wolf myself, I’ll pay you back as soon as possible, I promise, I justdon’t have any money on me right now, but I have a piggy bank that I’ve had forthe past few years, I’m sure there are enough quarters there to make around 10bucks, I mean I’ve had it for quite a while, I put all my change that I gotfrom the tips since I started working as a waiter senior year of high school,that didn’t quite turn out so well though-

-      Ohby the angel, do you ever stop talking? – Jace said, as he easily picked Simonoff the ground bridal style and started walking to his car.

-      W-whatare you doing? – Simon asked, trying not to think about how he’s literallygetting carried bridal style by motherfucking Captain America.

-      I’lldrive you to the Institute, you can take a shower, clean up, I think we havesome blood there left over from some mission that we had been working on withRaphael’s clan. – Jace said as he helped Simon into the front seat and evenbuckled his seatbelt for him, even though Simon had only hurt his knee and wasperfectly capable of doing that himself, but he didn’t complain, feeling Jace’sscent surround him. He smelled of… honeydew? Out of all things that Simonexpected Jace “The Big Strong Shadowhunter” to smell like, honeydew was definitely not one of them.

-      Areyou sure? It’s alright, I can just take a nap at the storage place and I havesome blood in the mini fridge there and then I’ll go to Magnus’s when Alec andhe come back and I’ll take a shower there, you don’t have to do all this-

-      Simon,it’s fine. – Jace said as he buckled his own seatbelt and then after a secondof hesitation, he turned to Simon and gave him a soft look. – I want to.

Simon felt likehis heart just grew some wings and flew far away to fucking Alaska. He gaveJace a small smile and whispered, “Thank you.”

For a second he thought he caught Jace blushing, but the moment was gone as he turnedhis head and started the car. He cleared his throat and after a brief moment ofsilence asked:

-       So,what happened to you?

Simon sighedaudibly, embarrassment causing him to hide his face in his palms and he let outa small laugh, shocked by how idiotic what he did was.

 -      You’regonna call me dumb.

-      Youbet your ass I am. – Jace chuckled, turning the wheel and almost bumping into atree. – It took him around 4 times to pass the permit test and he still didn’thave his license so Simon didn’t understand why is he driving a brand newNissan instead of taking driving lessons or something, but it was Jace and Jacewould never admit that he wasn’t good at something, especially if it was somemundane thing that Clary and Simon both knew how to do better than him.

Simon shook hishead, turning to look out of the window.

-      Therewas a banana peel on the ground and I wanted to see if it’s actually possibleto slip on it like they do in the movies because it always looks so fake! And Imean, it probably is because they definitely don’t have those actors actuallyfall into a giant puddle of dirt like I did, but yeah basically, it’s possible.– Simon said, rubbing one of the scratches on his forehead.

-      Youknow what isn’t possible though? To be this big of a fucking idiot, Simon!

-      Itdidn’t seem so idiotic at the time, okay? It was an experiment! For science.

-      Atwhat point did you think that was a good idea?

-      Ididn’t, I was just willing to risk my body and my health for science! Like atrue scientist would. You’re just too shallow to understand it. – Simon said,holding back a laugh. He felt like if he could stand up right now he woulddefinitely stomp his foot a couple of times.

-      You’reright, I’m definitely too shallow to understand the deep thought process thattakes place in your brilliant head before you do these… scientifically geniusthings.

-      Exactly,I’m out here risking my life and my body for the bettering of the human raceand you, Jace Lightwood, won’t even thank me? How disrespectful. How!Dis-res-pect-ful! You know what, pull over, I’ll get out of the car right now!I don’t need you and your uneducated comments to my hypotheses! – Simon wasyelling now, enjoying himself way too much.

 He didn’t expectfor Jace to be extra enough to actually pull over, but he did.

-      Howdare you call my comments uneducated! I believed in you, I supported you, I wasrooting for you! We were all rooting for you! – Jace was yelling in Simon’sface, shaking his hands all over the car and Simon couldn’t help but startlaughing hysterically.

-      Areyou quoting Tyra Banks? – Simon said, wiping his tears, unable to stoplaughing.

Jacewas laughing too now, loud and beautiful, his eyes crinkling and his smile wideand carefree. His laugh sounded more beautiful than any song Simon could evereven dream of writing, his laugh brought so many butterflies to Simon’sstomach, he felt like they were gonna start coming out of his ass, his laughwas something Simon never imagined it to me, so colorful and so calming, so Jace.

-      Idon’t know, I just saw a gif on twitter, the tweet was something like when thewoman who threads your eyebrows makes them too thin or some shit, I don’t know.– Jace said, his smile still wide.

Simon shook hishead, looking at Jace fondly. God, one day he was going to make that boy hisand it was going to be the best day of his undead life.

Jace gave himanother blinding smile and pulled back onto the road, almost turning the wheelthe wrong way and riding onto the sidewalk. Simon was starting to think that hemight get to the institute with more injuries than he originally had but hedidn’t say anything, knowing damn well that Jace would just go on a 40 minuterant about how he’s not some kind of  amundane and that he excels at everything he does and that he already has hispermit and that’s surely good enough and then maybe also talk about how he onlyfailed those first 3 times because he wanted to see what it’s like to fail atsomething in life, he wanted to see what it’s like to be a normal human beingand so on and so on and so on and Simon, frankly, didn’t mind listening to therant, he was just a little worried that he’ll roll his eyes so hard that theymight get stuck. Jace was honest to god one of the most annoying people thatSimon had ever met and somehow that was his favorite thing about him.

They sat therein a few moments of silence, both of them continuing to smile to themselves,randomly looking over at each other and looking away immediately as the otherone looked at them. Jace shook his head and looked down at his hands as theystopped at a red light:

-      You’rean idiot. – He said, somehow that sounding more loving than any compliment evercould.

Simonstared at him for a bit, realizing that he is absolutely gone for this boy. Forthis cocky, annoying, loving, kind, beautiful boy.

-      Yeah,but you still like me.

Jacelooked over at him a little stunned and stared at him for a good 10 secondsbefore his lips stretched out into a dopey smile and he turned back to theroad, as the red light turned green again. He pressed gas a little too hard andalmost hit the car in front of them:

-      Yeah,I do.

[sapphicalexaandra]

Your Deepest Desires (2/4)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Summary:  The meeting with the Seelie Queen didn’t go as planned, and now Jace and Alec have to face the consequences of their awakened feelings.

Notes: A Canon Divergence, rewriting of the Seelie Court kiss (and beyond), but with Jalec. Read tags for further information.

Chapter 2

“We are buried in broken dreams.”

Izzy’d had a long day.

Preparing the Institute for the Cabinet that was set for the next day between local Shadowhunters and Downworlders leaders, while its Head was away on an important diplomatic mission, wasn’t a piece of cake. Not that Izzy didn’t excel in this kind of preparations, or that she was going to complain about her brother trusting her with this responsibility after all her recent…issues. It’s just that these particular issues had lowered her endurance considerably; an exhaustion deep in her bones that not even her Stamina rune could quench.

Consequently, she was now looking forward to burying herself into her bed in the hopes of catching some sleep, which had become far too elusive lately.

She hadn’t been prepared for what she found there, however.

Izzy had seen her big brother upset, grumpy, intolerable, distressed, set over the edge…but the mess she found curled up on her floor half-hidden behind her wardrobe was hardly recognizable as the person she loved most in this world.

“A-Alec? What happened?!” She immediately rushed over, panic setting on her, as she knelt in front of him and laid her hands on his shaking shoulders.

Alec was covering his face with his hands, but when he reluctantly raised his head to blindly stare at her, the blotchiness and utter despair in his features was unmistakable.

“Did – did someone –?” she stumbled to ask, her sense of dread only rising. The Seelies were a difficult species to handle…but could a diplomatic mission really have turned out that bad? She felt her stomach twist in knots as she started imagining the worst scenarios that could’ve reduced her brother in this state. “…Magnus? Jace? Are they –?”

“N-no…they’re – fine,” came Alec’s cracked voice, barely above a whisper.

He didn’t seem able to clarify further at her inquisitive, frantic raise of eyebrows. He simply leaned – almost smacked – his head against the wall behind him, scrunching his face in anguish, breathing hard.  

Izzy felt herself tear up against her strongest will.

“I’m here, big brother, okay? Whatever happened, you know you can count on me,” she shifted next to him, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, gripping his hands. “Anything you need…”

She held him as he kept on drawing in uneven breaths, his body uncontrollably shaking as he tried to contain the sobs threatening to burst out of him. It took a while before he had calmed down enough to let out somewhat coherent words.

“The – the Seelie Queen…sneaky, that one. A real – piece of work,” was all that he managed.

“What did she do?” she asked gently, mentally adding the Queen to her permanent blacklist.

“A test! Or they would all die – M-Magnus, J-J-Jace and the mun–vampire. Clary and I had to choose which one we wanted to…kiss the most,” he explained, laughing mirthlessly. 

“A – kiss?” Seelies sure were creative. “Then what is the prob–?” 

A pointed, piercing look from Alec reminded her of a very different conversation they’d had a long time ago.

“You – you kissed…Jace?” His lowered head was answer enough.

Of course, she had known of her brother feelings for his parabatai for a while now. She knew how much he had struggled with it, how much it had plagued him. Yet, at this point in time, after all Alec had gone through, it came as a bit of a surprise…

“Alec, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think…”

“Not as bad?! I kissed my parabatai in front of my boyfriend’s disappointed face! When I had thought – really thought that that chapter of my life was finally over, you know?” he blurted out. “That I had put an end to it! I’m – I’m happy! In a relationship for the first time in my life, with a person I like a lot! And yet, why is that – why can’t I just?!”

“Oh, Alec…”

He pulled back his hands from her hold to run them through his hair.  “After all this time, nothing has changed! Why do I still have to love the only person in the world I’m literally forbidden to love! And – and who would never…”

“Alec, you can’t beat yourself up like this over it. You can’t help–”

Alec let out another sound, like that of a trapped animal. Leaning his elbows on his knees and hiding his face in his hands again, his voice was muffled as he chanted, “Stupid – so fucking stupid…” 

“Alec, no, don’t say that, you are not stupid.” She smoothly, but firmly, tried to pry his hands away from where they were clawing at his face. She waited till he looked at her thorough his bleary eyes. “You’ve had this feelings for such a long time, you can’t expect them to just go away. It’s really not been that long…it’s only normal that you still have some residual feelings…”

“Residual feelings?!” his voice peaked at his sarcastic remark. “Residual feelings I could accept, even deal with! But this?” he pointed at himself and his current state. “If these are just some residual feelings–”

“Then you need to actually give yourself time to move on! Not by just ignoring that part of you! Look – look at me, how I tried to sweep everything under the rag in the hope it would just go away. But it wouldn’t, it kept coming back stronger and stronger…”

“Then what should I do? How am I supposed to…?” he trailed on, unnerved.

“I would like to know as much as you, I would like so much to be able to help ease your pain right now, big brother…but it’s something you have to figure out yourself.”

Alec sagged in on himself. Izzy couldn’t see him like this.

“But I’ll be here for you, whenever you need me. I’m surprised you came to me so soon...but I’m glad. After how I’ve been –” she tentatively smiled at him, to see if she could spring a reaction out of him.

“Don’t mention it.” He wasn’t looking at her. His gaze was fixed on a spot in front of him, completely spent.

Izzy doubted her words could lift him up. Was this what it felt being on this end? So useless.    

“You’ll get through this, okay?” She had to make him believe that.

Izzy went to cup his face, as a thought occurred to her. “How did the others react?”

He snorted. “I honestly don’t know. I kind of ran away. I couldn’t face them. Hell, Magnus will probably never want to see me again. And Jace will likely try to pretend nothing of importance happened…”

“You know they love you, right? I’m sure they – Magnus, especially – will understand. You need to go talk to him, you’ll see!”

“I highly doubt that…”

“And Jace! He wouldn’t want to hurt you in anyway, this won’t change anything between you two…”

“I know that. Do you think I don’t know that? But right now, I don’t need…I can’t look in his eyes and see his pity. I can’t look at him, hear him say ‘We’re brothers, of course we love each other!’ and just be okay with it…because a part of me – a part of me doesn’t want to move on, do you understand?”

Izzy, sadly, did.

“I still look at him and see everything I can’t have.” He closed his eyes again. “All the things I tried to bury…all the things I shouldn’t be feeling, they’re all on the surface now and I can’t, I don’t want to let them go just yet…I need some air.”

And just like that, he got up and started moving towards the door.

“Alec, wait!” She grabbed his arm to stop him. “Where are you going?”

“Just…out. I need to clear my head.”

Izzy went around him to look him in the eyes. “Are you sure you should be alone right now? I don’t –,” she tried to talk over his impending protest. “I don’t want you doing something stupid or...”

“Iz.” His expression softened, as he put his hands on her shoulder. “I’ll be fine.” His eyes were still red, and she remembered the sight of an unconscious Alec on the roof of Magnus’s apartment. She couldn’t be so sure about that.

“I promise,” he added firmly, seeing the concern in her eyes. “I won’t do anything stupid. Like you said…I need to figure this out on my own.”

Letting go was indeed one of the hardest things to do.

“Message me when you get back, then…please.” He nodded, and she hugged him.

Buried in her brother’s shoulder had always been one of her favorite places. He had always been her rock, like she had been his. Seeing him shaken like this, knowing how much he didn’t deserve this kind of pain in his life, hurt her more than she could say.

“We are knee deep without a plea”

Alec wandered the streets aimlessly, as if in a daze, the sinking feeling that had set on him since the moment he had realized, clawing at his insides non-stop. His sister’s comforting words had worked only for a short while, but, as the hungry tangle in his stomach slowly made its presence felt again, her advice had started to sound more and more impossible.

Why had he let Izzy see him like that in the first place?

After he had come out of the Seelie realm, not remembering in the slightest how he had got there, the sight in front of him – the lively and colorful park, the clueless passersby carelessly enjoying their everyday life – had felt so intensely separate from himself, more than it ever did. Where could he go among them, that would’ve helped him get his mind out of its feverish, panicked state?

Izzy had seemed as the most obvious, the safest answer. Izzy wouldn’t judge him, she would still love and support him, no matter how much he actually deserved it…feeling embarrassed in front of her was needless at this point. She had been there for him in this mess from the start, and he couldn’t help but hope she would be able to give some sense to the chaos around and within him.

He had felt, marginally, better, knowing that there was at least one person in his life he hadn’t irremediably disappointed and driven away. Nonetheless, he had already known she couldn’t do more than hold – or try to hold – his pieces together. The situation didn’t change.

Cause how could burying all that had resurfaced, which had caused all of this, be anything but good?

So, there he was now, desperately trying to forget, yet incapable of tuning out the memories that were still so fresh and vivid in his mind, as he barely noticed the roads he was taking or the people he passed, invisible and unnoticed. Like he had wished all his life to be as it came to the very thing that had just been shoved in his face that day…

Closing his eyes was a mistake. He could still see the scene, as clearly as it had happened, replaying in his head over and over again.

How the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind until it was too late…

How he had stood there, frozen, as a wave of all the feelings he had tried to repress and ignore all his life had come crushing down on him with a vengeance, smirking cruelly at him, making him realize exactly what he had to do…

How he had felt disgusted by himself when that hideous part of him rose to the occasion, claiming yes, take this moment, your one and only chance, make it worth it (and he had, by the Angel, he had), and, beyond all the humiliation, he had felt this fire inside of him, burning him with the strength to cross the distance and…kiss Jace. Really kiss him.

That memory now made him want to just dig a hole and bury himself in it, away from the wrongness of how…right it had felt. The rough yet smooth skin on Jace’s face as he reverently held it in his hands…the way their mouths had just fit together, the taste, the friction, the sensation of it still making him dizzy. He had lost himself to the moment completely, everything else be damned.

And Jace, Jace had kissed him back, he had opened his mouth to him and held him close like a lover would… which didn’t mean much, Alec told himself. There wasn’t much else Jace could’ve done in that moment, as well as the fact that he probably wouldn’t have wanted to hurt Alec’s feelings. He must’ve felt nauseated by it, by him; he just would never admit it to his face. He would be the one, if nobody else, to want to spare Alec that kind of humiliation.

Alec repeated this to himself as if he cared if Jace had or hadn’t liked the kiss; the first option was both impossible and something that wouldn’t change anything; the second was only reasonable. Letting himself fall into a biggest fantasy that he was living in would be his second biggest mistake of the day.

So why was he still doing it, knowing it would cause him only so much more pain when he had to start letting go of these feelings again? He should be doing it already…not thinking about them, not indulging in them, trying instead to fix the mess he had just made. That was the right thing to do.

But one moment held him back, a moment that had stuck with him more than anything else.

When he had opened his eyes as they let each other go, the face in front of him – with those mismatched, unfairly beautiful eyes staring right back at him, the swollen mouth that he had just kissed – had blinded Alec to the point where he could feel himself bleed out of all the…love he had inside. The knowledge that he would now have to lose that forever had caused a lump to form in his throat, that he had unsuccessfully tried to swallow down.

How could that be fixed? How could he face Magnus when he still tasted Jace on his lips and would like to taste him again (and again)? How could he pretend that hadn’t meant anything, when he could feel the opposite deep in his entire being?

Magnus would know the truth, as the Seelie Queen had done. Clearly, his deepest, most secret shame was marked on him like a constantly burning rune, its heat slowly consuming him from the inside-out.

And yet – what would dwell on these feelings bring to? Only more delusions and disappointment. He had known from that start, back when he had chosen to step into the circle of fire with Jace, that he would only end up hurting more people as well as himself.

His future was with Magnus, who he still honestly cared about and with whom he was building a solid relationship that he truly enjoyed. That should be his priority. If he lost that, he would’ve lost something good for nothing.

He would figure out a way to look Jace in the eyes again later…he would figure out how to forget him again later.

“I don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you”

Jace ran all the way back to the Institute, his companions far behind him, yet he still couldn’t catch up with Alec. Once home, he frantically searched for him in all his usual spots where he would go to hide: his room, the rooftop, a few backdoor corridors or empty rooms…he still couldn’t find him. He then turned to his last resort.

“Izzy! Have you seen Alec?” he asked, breathless, as soon as she opened her door.

“Hello to you, too,” she shot back, an eyebrow raised. By her worried look, by the way she took him in – with a hesitant, curious expression – Jace knew that she had seen her brother.

“Is he there with you? I really – really need to talk to him. I don’t know how much he told you…”

“He’s not here, he left a while back. And he told me enough.” Her tone was guarded, yet sympathetic.

“Do you know where–?”

“Listen, Jace,” she interrupted him, widening her door a bit more. “I think you should let him be for now.”

He blinked at her words. “Let him be? He must probably be feeling so bad about things he can’t control right now, he has to know it doesn’t change anything! Or that I – “

These thoughts had plagued him since he had seen Alec run away. His parabatai driving himself crazy over the entire thing, as if he was to blame, doing something stupid to make up for it or something…and the turmoil of emotions that had been coming his way from their shared bond didn’t reassure him one bit.

Jace had to find him. Tell him that he would always be by his side, that he didn’t have to feel ashamed about his feelings…he had known for a while now, and he had never stopped thinking the world of his parabatai. He had, admittedly, thought that they had more or less gone away, considering how happy he had been lately, with Magnus. And they had also never explicitly talked about it. Still, nothing had to change. They were parabatai, by the Angel, and they had been through much worse!

Yet, two piercing eyes at the back of his mind – staring into his soul, all the depth of the emotions in them openly shining through – put a nagging thought in him. How could things stay the same after witnessing, being at the receiving end of, the exact intensity of Alec’s love for him? He felt an ache in his stomach at just the thought.

“That’s exactly part of the problem, Jace,” Izzy cut in, stern, but not unkind. “He just – he needs space. To let what happened go, to let you go…he doesn’t need to know what he already does right now. His feelings…are not just something you can accept and move on from. You…they are a real burden to him! And he can’t deal with it if you’re always there, unaffected by all of it.”

“You think…I’m unaffected?”

To think that what he saw as his way of unburdening his parabatai could be perceived as him being unconcerned, as if he hadn’t as much at stake in their relationship, made him uncharacteristically angry at Izzy.

“I know that this is difficult for him! But I can’t just let him deal with this alone, not when I hurt when he hurts, not when it can drive a wedge between us…forever!” He swallowed hard at that.

“I hear you, Jace.” She put a hand on his shoulder, ignoring his troubled expression. “But if you try to push in, he’ll only push you back further. I’m not saying for much time, but I really think it’s better you left him alone…only until he’s ready to come back to you.” She smiled encouragingly at him, and Jace sighed, his anger fading, resigning to her logic.

Another thing he absolutely didn’t want was overstepping his parabatai’s needs. 

“Just tell me – how was he exactly?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking,

Izzy’s smile turned into a sad frown, which told him more than she could say. “Go rest for a while, okay? You look like you need it.”

Jace could only nod and bid her goodnight.

Going to sleep turned out to be more difficult than Jace expected…or as he expected.

Even though at some point, the whirlwind of distressing emotions coming from his parabatai had settled into a subduing sadness, which meant Alec had at least calmed himself enough to not be overwhelmed anymore, Jace still felt worry tightening his stomach. He kept wondering where Alec was, if he had come back, wishing he could go check and talk to him if he was there, but not daring to, not after his conversation with Izzy.

Thus, he was left on his own, and he tossed and turned in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position, when really all he needed was to stop thinking.

Cause now that the immediate problem could not be addressed, and the intensity of the initial humiliation, shock and panic had subsided, Jace had no more excuses to block his own whirlwind of emotions.

The fact of the matter stayed that Alec had kissed him and he…hadn’t disliked it. Which was a euphemism. He had genuinely…actively…enjoyed it. 

Of all the years he had grown to know and love Alec, something like this had never occurred to him.

He remembered that time, a few years back, when he had first realized that what Alec felt for him was not entirely brotherly. He had been surprised, but it hadn’t seemed to him like that big of a deal. Sure, that kind of feelings were forbidden for parabatai, but he had personally thought it was only normal to have them. He and Alec were closer than most, so what if Alec had wished they were even closer? He had felt the same for many of the women he had been with. He knew pleasure, he understood sex, he couldn’t very well blame Alec for wanting the same for himself.

But Jace had never really understood anything. His flings had been just that…nothing that seriously mattered to him, nothing that could go against his father’s teachings.

To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.

No matter how much he hated to admit it now, Valentine had had that much influence in his life, in his choices, that even now it was hard to let those beliefs go, after they had been ingrained in him so deeply.

Until Clary, he hadn’t dared to let himself feel anything that resembled love, anything that could weaken him or the other person involved. 

Except, that he had. He had loved – still loved – someone more than he ever did anybody else. And that person had always been Alec.

When he had first arrived in New York, he had felt himself grow attached to that kid who had welcomed him with a shy smile and an awed look. And he had let him in, he had let Alec see him at his most vulnerable, and in turn Alec had done the same to him. His affection for him eventually arrived at a point where Jace felt like he never would’ve wanted to be parted from Alec, ever. And that had driven him into a panic.

Remembering his pet falcon, the same fear he felt back when he still lived with his father had took ahold of him again. He was letting himself be weak, when all he was supposed to do was train to become the best warrior in existence…and that was when it had occurred to him.

Parabatai draw strength from each other and are the best in battle.

It had been the best, the only acceptable solution to turn around that fatal flaw in his life, and Jace had never looked back.

That was how it had always been: on one end, his bond with Alec, the deepest and most sacred thing in his life; on the other, the concept of ‘love’ he attempted with other people, but that had never really done anything for him. Or that only ended up in disappointment, like with Clary. Those were two things so separate and distinct, irreconcilable in his mind, that having them suddenly collide…had thrown him entirely out of the loop. He felt unhinged, his entire world turned irreversibly upside down. 

Cause what if all this time…what if it had always been…what if he had unknowingly but consciously misinterpreted, masked his feelings, especially from himself, to try and put them in a box his father, if not approve, would accept…what if he had put Alec, and himself, through all of this, because he had let Valentine, and his fear of him and his judgment, rule his life…

Cause the truth was, he was now a burden to Alec.

He knew that wasn’t exactly what Izzy had meant, but knowing to be the reason of his parabatai’s distress hurt him profoundly. Feeling that their closeness brought him such pain was reason to doubt anything Jace held dear. Questioning if it might stem all from his own cowardice made him feel sick with himself.

In the end, the only thing he was certain of in those last moments before losing consciousness, swimming in a sea of burning eyes and warm lips, was that he couldn’t, wouldn’t lose Alec.

“Did we ever see it coming?”

It was late in the night, far too late for a visit to be polite, yet Alec couldn’t wait till the morning.

The door opened on its own after only a few knocks. He had thought he would have to beg his way in.

Magnus was on the other side, dressed for the night, a drink in hand Alec already felt guilty about, and a guarded expression on his face. He regarded him as Alec entered, nodding to himself.

“Magnus…” Alec started, a strain in his voice. He didn’t know how to finish. There were no words true enough, beside the truth…and that wasn’t acceptable. “I’m so, so sorry. I–”

“Don’t,” Magnus interrupted him, smiling at him.

Wait, what?

“There is no need for apologies.”

That was the last thing Alec had expected to hear. “But…”

“It was…a blow, for all of us,” his boyfriend continued, undeterred. “Especially you, I see.”

Alec felt far too conscious about his swollen face and shabby attire, but he couldn’t care about himself in that moment.

“It was a blow, but not a shock,” Magnus went on. “Or it shouldn’t have been a shock, you figure? This was the first thing I ever knew about you, beside that you were a good shot,” he hinted at a smirk.

The incident with the memory demon had also been burned into Alec’s mind and soul for all eternity, like this one would be. He didn’t need the reminder. He could painfully see the relevance, however.

“And we all forgot, didn’t we?” Magnus let out a light, bitter chuckle. “But I know, better than most at least, how people and the feelings you have – or had – for them, have the tendency to come back when you least expect it. What matters is how we deal with it.”

Alec took that as his clue. “I know! And I will - this will all be forgotten again, I promise. I – I might still feel something for Jace, but I honestly, genuinely care about you and I want this to continue…”

Magnus smiled again, and there was something sad in his smile.

“Is that really all it is? You ‘feel something’?” he put in, raising an eyebrow.

Alec was left gaping for words, in the desperate search for the right way to explain himself.

“Alexander…”

“Wait! You need to listen, okay, I–”

“Alexander…you don’t have to explain what you feel to me, and you don’t have to forget about it. It’s important that we don’t fool each other.”

“I’m not fooling you…”

Magnus came forward, snapping his drink away, and put his hands gently on his shoulders. Alec felt like he was living a fever dream.

“I know you aren’t, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that what happened today has shown that both of us have things we must deal with on our own. Both of our pasts have been brought up to us again in the most unpleasant of ways…and it’s neither of our faults. Seriously, Alexander, I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened.”

Alec didn’t know about that. He didn’t know what to think either, what to feel. Should he be relieved? Magnus wasn’t mad at him. But his words…sounded final.

Was he ready to lose Magnus? Could Alec fight for his relationship? Should he? Did he want to fight for it? He had worked so hard to have it, and yet…

Not knowing the answer to either of those questions kind of made the next words simpler to accept.

“Trying to move on from someone with someone else…I’m afraid, it doesn’t really work. All the people involved often end up getting hurt…” Alec lowered his eyes in shame. “And it’s not fair to anyone. Alexander, look at me.”

Alec reluctantly complied. Magnus’s eyes were genuinely full of affection as he looked up at him, and Alec had genuinely grown to love him. Why couldn’t that had been enough?

“This is not goodbye…or it isn’t, necessarily. We’ll still see each other, won’t we? Shadowhunters-Downworlders meetings? And you can always ask for my help, you know that…I might not answer every time, but I’ll always be the High Warlock of Brooklyn and you the Head of the New York Institute. And I’ll always care for you. But I really think we need to take some time apart…and what do you know? If it’s meant to happen, we might find each other again.”

Alec closed his eyes then, as Magnus hugged him. What did they know, indeed?

It was pointless, to say the least, trying to filter all that he was feeling, as he morosely made his way back to the Institute. He had nothing more to do than resign himself to the cloud of foggy, grey sadness so eager to take ahold of his heart. He didn’t think it would ever go away. 

So, what now? He couldn’t refrain from asking himself.  

Funny, how things worked. If he had known that he would have to face the biggest humiliation of his life, fulfill his deepest desire and lose his boyfriend all in the same day, with one swift move…would the outcome have changed?

Doubting he would like the answer, knowing his miserable, pathetic self had everything coming for him, he mentally prepared himself for the next day when the Cabinet with the Downworlders would take place. It would be a feat in and on itself, but most of all he would have to do his job and act normal all while trying not to instantly implode at the sight of the people who knew.

Jace would be there running security…and Alec still didn’t know how to face him.

[c-rankin93]

SHE'S NO YOU - Background + Ch.1

As promised, it's here! ###PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THIS FIC!!### A/N: This book is based in 2016, in New York City. Finn is CEO of his own company, and his Ex-wife Rae is a Senior Architect at her Friend Chloe's Company. Together, they have Two beautiful children, Josh who's 7, and Ruby who's 6. Both in there mid-30s, thry despise each other after an ugly divorce. They are both very family oriented, both with plenty of Siblings. I wanted a different twist to my MMFD fic, especially for Finn.  Rae (32): Linda (65) & Karim (50) (step-dad to all siblings), Robert (38) + family, Julian (35) + son, Mark (34). Rae + Siblings: dad passed away when Rae was 6 months old. He wasn't very loving, and died a lonely man. - Finn (35): Gary (69) (Finns mum non-existent) & Veronica (58), Natalia (31) + family, Daniel (25) + GF, Mika (23), AND FINALLY FINNS LAST BROTHER IS... ARCHIE! (33) Just to explain Finns family... Finns mum and Gary had a small fling before he started dating Veronica. Finns mum Julie turned up with a 3 month old baby boy claiming it was Gary's (this point he was seeing veronica). She gave Finn to Gary and took off with a wad of cash.. never to be seen again. Finn calls Veronica ma, and is the only mother he has known. Together Gary and Veronica had Archie, Natalia, Daniel and Mika. (DNA tests confirm Finn is Gary's son) - SO much information to take in, but I thought I'd give you a bit of information about everyone. Chloe, chop, archie and izzy will have aperences in this book but I wanted this to focus more on Rae and Finn!! As always ignore my grammar mistakes and spelling! Not too good at editing. --- CHAPTER ONE - DIVIDE --- "Kids hurry up, your father will be here any minute now" I yelled up the stairs whilst I finished organising their weekend bags. It was a constant battle to get them moving after 6pm. If it wasn't to go to the toilet or get food, I swear my childen wouldn't shift away from that idiotic TV. "Josh! Don't forget to pack your inhaler this time" I called over my shoulder. "There's no freaking way I'm dropping that off again" I mumbled to myself, thinking about the awful scene. He called me lousy mother for not packing it, and I called him a dick for not double checking it was there. Yep, it wasn't a Rae and Finn 'chit-chat' without a smidgen of abuse thrown around. Verbal abuse, of course. He wasn't a violent person, but a slip of his tongue could pack a punch. "Got it mum" Josh smiled. His spiderman onsie was a little big for him. It had been flying off the shelves when I walked into Target a few weeks ago. I grabbed the closest one, running away from the dog pile mother's had formed in the Isle. He looks adorable, and turns out they are his favourite pj's. Bonus! "Good. Now can you please tell your sister to hurry up and brush her teeth whilst I finish getting ready" I cooed. When he turned around, i cheakily patted his bum. I chuckled at the little scowl he gave me. It always reminded me so much of his father, it was honestly heart breaking. The little facial expressions he gives you, and them chocolate brown eyes were everything. Joshua did make me miss the man that tore my life apart, just that little bit more everyday. I went to the mirror, trying to ignore the small argument that was going on from the upstairs bathroom. Currently, (by the sounds of things) Ruby is giving her brother another ear full about using her princess toothpaste; very expensive toothpaste may I add. Even at the age of 6, I could see my little girl becoming a diva. I re-applied my nude lipstick, smacking my lips together for effect. Then straightened out the skirt of my black dress, making sure there were no wrinkles. Lastly, I tussled the soft curls in my hair, and deemed myself acceptable for the rest of the population. It was already 7:25pm, and I had a company dinner at my one of my families restaurants. It was still a 20 minute drive by taxi (if the traffic was good), and at this rate I was going to be late for the 8pm start. Between the kids messing around upstairs and Finn's tardiness, my frustrations would soon boil over. I say 7pm, he comes 30 minutes late. Of course, I couldn't expect anything better from the deceitful man. "Mooooom, do we have to go to dads? Can't I just come with you?" "Ruby we've been over this four times-" I sighed. "But-" "No! It's your dad's weekend and your going to spend time with him honey. He loves you. He wants to spend time with you" I ran my fingers through her curly brown hair that was a complete mess on top of her head. Another thing for him to complain about I guess. "I love daddy too. I just wish she wasn't there all the time". I couldn't help but awkwardly drop to my knees in front of my little girl. I lifted her chin and kissed her plump cheek, this seemed to become a annual accurance everytime she was set to spend every second weekend with Finn or even the two school pick ups he did on Tuesday and Thursday. I couldn't stand the bitch she was talking about as much as the next person, but I couldn't tell a 6 year old that. It sadden me that she felt this way but the one time I tried to express that to my ex-husband, he went off on another crazy rant about slandering his girlfriend to our children. It nearly caused us another day in court.  "You need to tell daddy that" I stroked her cheek and got to my feet just as the bell rang. "I don't want him to be angry with me..." she sniffed. I could see my daughters eyes glisten with unshed tears. As a mother, you never want to see your children cry, doing everything in your power to make them happy. This unfortunately was something that I couldn't help fix, without world War 3 breaking out in my living room. "Baby he would never get mad at you. Now go get cleaned up and hurry back. I'll go let daddy in" she nodded, headed back towards the bathroom whilst I went towards the large wooden door of my town house. "Finally" Finn grumbled as I opened the door. He stood there in his work clothes, since it was a Friday night I understood why. He looked as dashing as always in his suit and tie. I was glad he went for the light colours today, normally it was always red and black. He looked handsome. As always. "Well hello to you too" I mused sarcasticly. Leaving the door open, I didn't even wait for his grunt reply and just simply went to the kids suitcases. "Everything is packed. Josh now has two puffs of his inhaler at night as well as in the morning, just until his completely over this small cold he can't seem to shake. Doctors aren't worried but it's just for precaution". "Why wasn't I notified about this doctors appointment Rae! I'm his father I should of been there" Here we go again. "I did call your office, your mobile was busy..." I slipped on Joshua's jacket on his shoulders, not even bothering to acknowledge Finn whilst I talked to him. "I left a message with your assistant-girlfriend whatever. If she didn't give you the message then it's not my problem". "RUBY, HONEY. HURRY UP OR MOMMY WILL BE LATE" I called just before I heard the pitty patter of her feet. "Hey dad" Josh cuddled his dad once i finished buttoning up his jacket. They had always had a strong relationship, it's something I've admired. From birth he cared more about his father's soothing voice then the women that carried his little body around for nine months. Not that I cared, I was glad that their relationship was so close, I always had my little boy but Finn had his mini me. You could tell that made him proud. "Hey buddy, how was school?" A genuine smile radiated Finn face. He crouched down so he was looking up at Joshua whilst he talked about his day, and how Mrs. Thorne gave him a gold star of his creative writing story.  "Hi daddy" Ruby's timid voice sounded off when she walked towards her brother and father. They both didn't notice, so I didn't feel the need to acknowledge it either. Another kick to the stomach, as a mother. "There's my beautiful little girl! Have you been keeping mom and joshy on their toes" he grinned picking up ruby's little body and giving her a squeeze. "Well Joshua has been using my toothpaste again..." I left them to talk by the door and ordered a taxi. I looked at the time again as I slid on my coat, and grabbed my bag off the kitchen counter. 7:40pm. I was definitely going to be late for the dinner start, but I new they wouldn't be ordering food til at least 8:30pm. Thank God. "You two go to James and he will help you guys get into the car" he nodded to his driver who stood waiting. "I'll grab your suitcases and meet you there. I just have to talk to mommy, Ohkay?" They both nodded, then gave me both a kiss goodbye. Trotting off towards James yelling Hello as they got situated in the car. I waved towards James and smiled, he had once been my driver when Finn and I were married, he was a lovable old chap that use to talk my ear off. I miss our little chats. "Where are you going?" The question didn't come across one, more of a demand to tell him why I was dressed up and heading out on this rare occasion.  "Work dinner. Not that it's any of your business..." I couldn't help but flush at our proximity. This was probably the closest we had been in years, and that was only because he was standing directly in my way. "Your little boyfriend not taking you out I see, how disappointing". He smirked watching the anger build within me. He knew I was a ticking time bomb, I always have been. I can't help that I take after my mother in that aspect but he has no right talking about Greg and our Relationship. Yes, we have both 'moved somewhat on'. "Excuse me! What does Greg have to do with this Finn" I sneered. "What about your girlfriend where's she? Spending all your money on another boob job?" Shit. Why did I have to open my big, fat mouth. He fed me the bait, and I took it. "Liv is actually at her sister's house if you must know. Tonight it's just the kids and I" I relaxed when he didn't scream back at me. It was still weird to watch his demeanor go ridged, and know I was the one to cause it. "And if you must know-" I fucking knew he would have more of an input. "I quite like Liv's tits the way they are, firm and perky. Unlike someone I know, maybe you should get yours done". "You mother fu- how dare you fucking body shame me! These 'saggy' tits of mine fed both of your kids for nearly two years each, giving them the best start in life. You asshole" His face was stoic, but I could see in his brown eyes there was a hint of underlying sadness- regret even. "Rae I didnt-". "Get out!" "Wait-". "I said get out of my house Finn. Now! Before I grab our kids out of that car. How dare you treat me like that". I was too mad to cry, too angry to even care anymore. Even though Greg and I's sexual relationship wasn't as active as I hoped, I knew for a fact he liked my body. After two kids, who used my body like a factory I was proud I managed to maintain my weight for once. No more late night snacks, and unhealthy foods. I didn't want to go back to my former obesity stage, high school was not kind to me. He grabbed the suite cases with a sigh and headed for the door just as the taxi pulled up. No more words were exchanged. We both knew it would damage this non existing relationship more. -- There's chapter one... I hope you liked it. And there will be more too come. If you want to be tagged just tell me. If not, it's all cool bro :) @lily-pop-2 @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus

[sordidpassionsandlockedemotions]

Losing an bet to Izzy and Jace was always scary and three days later they still hadn't demanded payment. Meanwhile Magnus was unfortunately out of the country which was starting to take an toll on Alec. Yes he was being grumpy,but most of all his brain got negative obsessing over not being good enough or really worth his boyfriend's attention. Sure they texted occasionally,an few video chats, and an call or two but thoughts were thoughts. Today he was reading some book about Shadowhunter history trying to keep his brain distracted. No luck tossing it aside which nobody in their right mind would. Hanging upside down not thinking about the book he might have just destroyed by accident the Institute had several copies and wasn't rare by any means. Scrolling on his phone when he came across an text from Izzy to Jace typical joke about how demons prefer blondes. No he was thinking pretty stupid but at the same time it gave him something to do. Maybe would make his siblings back off and okay not likely be well received and who knew about Magnus' if he found out. Yet the idea didn't phase him much of anybody finding out or if it only lasted an short while. So he slipped out of the Institute after finding out what he needed. Killing his hair best way to spend his Friday afternoon he mused to himself. Then again could just use his healing rune to keep it alive. Why did hair get considered as such anyways? Once in the store he freaked an bit internally so many things and colors. Eventually finding what he needed and grabbed what would be probably an good amount. Paid for it and snuck back into his room once at the Institute. No patrol,or any reason to not hang out in his room so perfect timing. He spent the next while which felt like forever changing his dark hair light however after one last rinse in the sink he glanced in the mirror and blinked. "That was too much." His hair was blonde sure but it also looked kind of white luckily not in a way that was bad. Running his fingers through it he realized one flaw in his impulsive choice he didn't grab his natural hair color or close to it for fixing afterwards. Getting to anguish and hardly sleep much after an while. Waking up to Izzy at the door outside telling him to get out of bed. Forgetting about his hair being still tired and used to it by now he got up pocketing his phone in his pajama pants. Unlocking the door,"Not hungry but coffee was offered." She laughed looking surprised and tiredly he realized why . "By the angel Alec what happened to your hair!?" No he wasn't going to be ashamed or regret oh he did regret it some. "Is that why you ignored us all day yesterday?" Looking around he sighed,"I didn't mean to get it this light and an bit." Izzy reached out moving some of it off his forehead and studied it. Then she pulled out her phone and he immediately ducked back into his bedroom leaving only a small crack open. Blocking her photo taking ideas. "Ah come on let me take an picture and does Magnus know?" He didn't reply so she spoke again,"Alec your boyfriend has no idea are you even going to tell him he'll find out even if you fix it this afternoon." He wasn't in the mood no coffee had yet to enter his system. Tired,an bit half asleep and grumpy really was surprised that he hadn't just gone bad tempered. "No pictures; it was sudden we haven't even texted in a day or two." Unbracing the door and opening it again seeing she had put her phone away. "Fine you have to take some though as for Magnus temporary or not you should let him know about it cause it's kind of adorable." Alec's face scrunched up momentarily in discomfort only his sister would go 'hey you should set yourself up for potentially being laughed at.' She however finally decided to relent walking towards the kitchen,him following behind knowing somebody would see and word would be whispered. Freaking hated the Institute for such reasons sometimes. His parabati's reaction was worst and ended with Jace on the floor laughing. Meanwhile Alec sulked while drinking his coffee though honestly not too mad. Listening to his siblings tease him and an joke that Jace should dye his hair dark to balance the scale out. And yeah there was gossip,whispers,glares and all that lovely judgemental expressions but for the rest of the day life was as normal. Till his phone went off with an simple text saying Magnus was back which was exciting. Finally his boyfriend was back however it also meant dropping by the loft was expected soon. Not enough time to figure out the hair situation. So that was going to mean just picturing it Magnus laughing and whatever else went with it. He walked,no running or Shadowhunter speed which made him more anxious and emotional because he really wanted to see Magnus but also didn't. Eventually he sent Magnus an text simply saying he'd lost an bet and his hair had changed. Not entirely true but Jace and Izzy had settled on making him have his hair as such for the next few days since had lost the bet. The reply back was surprise and curious but didn't ask for an picture seeing as Alec was dropping by. Once there his having missed his boyfriend overwhelmed the nervous energy. So he ran up the stairs and then quickly knocked on the loft door. Magnus was back which meant less time at the institute, more time home,with his boyfriend,and breathing room. Opening the door he saw Magnus with what looked like an lot of bags both of luggage and shopping bags. And when he turned around Alec forgot to look,expect an reaction to his hair. Getting an bit distracted by the colored streaks which were an dark red. And the eye makeup which tame but also eye catching. Blinking and brought himself out of it but he'd missed that face and its owner. "Alexander!" Magnus was smiling and Alec knew wasn't mad or anything. Relaxing waiting for the rest to follow honestly judging the tone and how Magnus mostly seemed to be amused he was safe. "Well talk about an drastic change gone what an week you decide to somehow 180 your hair color." Alec shrugged an small bit,"For an couple days." Looking at all the bags then back at his boyfriend. Eyes noting the expensive light colored clothes and jewelry. Probably as always looked better than he did. "I missed you though." "Missed you too,would have been back sooner but wound up back except helping Caterina with the kids she's taking care of oh and Madzie says hi." Alec relocated some bags off the couch and sat down watching Magnus resume going through them. Also needing no prompting to talk about his absence,and they caught up. Eventually Magnus sat in his lap which made Alec remember to pay attention instead of unfocused reactions. "Might have got you an few gifts but think those can wait." Their foreheads rested together and for the next hours they resided there amongst all the bags of what could be clothes but Alec didn't dare ask. Exchanging gentle kisses and whispered I love you's with eventually Magnus waving most of the bags away. Which mesmerized for an moment that magic of his but then they stretched out snuggled up on the couch. His boots and jacket long gone just for the sake of comfort same with Magnus' shoes. They did nothing which was alright just tangled up,the ocasional lazy hand brushing against an arm or through one another's hair. Gentle kisses,repetitive lip pecks at one point from Magnus making him blush but laugh which made his boyfriend chuckle. Gifts forgotten,most things actually in the moment just making up for not being together. Talking limited to teasing,compliments along with 'we really should figure out dinner and what to do tonight' and Alec confirming he could stay the night.

[ace-dameron]

Just a continuation of the TA/Student Malec! AU that I posted a couple of weeks ago? That first fic can be found here. More to come eventually :) 

Dedicated to my parabatri @oddieodelia and @dimshums for always putting up with my random malec fic related messages. Love you babes :*

After a long week of finals, Alec awoke to his phone buzzing in the middle of the night. Glancing at the time on the phone before even trying to squint sleepily to read the message, he noticed it was after midnight. He rolled his eyes and tossed his phone down on the bed, running a hand through his sleep-tousled hair. Who dared to text him right now? The semester was over and it was time to sleep after so many days of sleep deprivation. (Honestly, it had been a semester long battle with sleep deprivation in Alec’s case, but the last week had been especially brutal.)

Grabbing the phone back, he tapped on the home button, ready to read the message and ignore it until morning. 

However, the urge to simply ignore the message disappeared when he realized it was from Magnus. His sleepiness drifted away and a smile took over his lips, all previous thoughts of anger and irritation evaporating just as quickly as they had came.

’So, Alexander, about that first date you owe me.’

‘The clock struck midnight and the semester is officially over and that’s the first thought you had?’

‘Naturally.’ 

A facetime call screen popped up and Alec fumbled to switch on his bedside table lamp before accepting.

The first thought that struck Alec was how incredibly soft Magnus looked. His hair and face freshly washed, not a spot of makeup or hair product in sight. Okay, to be fair, it was actually the second thing he had noticed. The first being that Magnus wasn’t wearing a shirt. But the most to be seen was the gentle dip of his collarbones, nothing more.

“Did I wake you? You look barely conscious.”

“No… no… you didn’t wake me. I was laying in bed, contemplating life with my eyelids closed.”

Magnus laughed, a sound that Alec secretly delighted in. “Are you sassing me?”

Alec grinned, shrugging casually. “Maybe a little.” He had grown more comfortable around Magnus in the remaining weeks of the semester. The hour at the coffee shop steadily grew until they were being ushered out at closing, both not realizing how long they had just been sitting there, lost in one another. It had only seemed proper that perhaps they got to know each other a little more before they had moved onto the next step. They had exchanged their life stories. Magnus’s was a sad tale that he didn’t often share with others. According to him, it was due to self-preservation. Alec had a feeling it was actually because everyone was so concerned with Magnus fixing them, offering his guidance to them that they were too self-absorbed to see that maybe Magnus needed that offered in return. But Alec encouraged it and listened as Magnus recalled terrors from his childhood that had made Alec grateful for the childhood he had experienced, even with the homophobic, unsatisfied parents.

“So will you still be in town tonight?” Magnus asked, breaking Alec’s reverie. 

Alec reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand. “I’m going to be in town the entire break, actually.”

Magnus’s face fell. After that night so many weeks ago, they hadn’t broached the topic of Alec’s family. Magnus had brought it up once and Alec had shut it down so quickly that they hadn’t revisited it. He didn’t want to dampen their limited time together with his own misery. His father had reached out to him, perhaps two weeks ago, and said it would be for the best of the family if Alec didn’t return home for the holidays. Of course, this was after weeks and weeks of absolute silence from everyone but his sister, Isabelle. (Max didn’t have a cell phone yet, so he and Izzy would facetime Alec on weekends.)

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

His brows furrowed together in the slightest bit, as he sighed and looked down, avoiding the concerned look on Magnus’s face. “We had such limited time together. I didn’t want to spend it talking about how I was told not to come home for Christmas.”

“Alexander…” Magnus trailed off sadly and Alec glanced up to see that Magnus had averted his gaze from the screen and was now looking down. “Well, if it was your parents’ intention to leave you alone and miserable on Christmas, it won’t work. You can spend Christmas with me.” He looked back up with such fierceness in his expression; not one person could argue that Magnus wasn’t a passionate person.

“Don’t cancel any plans on my account.” Alec mumbled, a faint blush creeping up onto his cheeks.

“You can join my plans. Martinis, Chinese takeout, and cuddles on the couch with the Chairman.”

Alec smiled and omitted the questioning about why those were Magnus’s plans. While he knew the other man had no family, he had so many friends that he brought up in conversation, he was genuinely shocked that no one had offered to adopt Magnus for the Christmas holiday and take him home.

“Sounds like the best Christmas I could imagine,” his voice was a bit rough and low and reflected how serious things were gradually getting between them. Alec knew he was falling hard for Magnus in ways his younger self could have never pictured. Such a warm and loving soul such as Magnus Bane deserved to be adored. And Alec considered himself lucky to get to be the one to cherish Magnus through and through.

“Now don’t think this gets you out of dinner and a movie for tomorrow night. I’m still holding you to that, Alexander.” The brilliance in Magnus’s expression stirred a comfortable warmth in Alec’s chest. Magnus was equivalent to the sun in Alec’s book, that’s all there was to it. His warmth, his smile, his personality, it made Alec believe and know there was so much more waiting for him in life. That even if his parents never accepted him as he was, there would be someone who did. And god, he hoped that person would always be Magnus.

“Wouldn’t dream of canceling. Speaking of dreams, I need sleep, Magnus.“

“Mmm, but the night is so young.” The older man teased with a small wink. “Alright, Alexander, go get your beauty sleep. I’ll text you in the morning.”

Alec chuckled, “Goodnight.”

“Your life really sounds like a trashy fanfiction, Alec. The tall, quiet gay boy falling in love with his bisexual teacher’s assistant.” Izzy giggled, flopping down back on her bed, her voice more than its usual whisper since their parents weren’t home.

Alec rolled his eyes, but still kept a fond smile on his lips. He adored his siblings, more than life itself really. He would die for them, so not getting to spend the Christmas holiday with them was killing him. Not that he would let anyone see how much it pained him, not them nor Magnus. Alec had spent too many years living in stoicism to be able to easily break that now.

“I don’t even know what fanfiction is.”

“Don’t lie to me. I got your old laptop when you went off to college. You should have learned to wipe your browser history a lot better. But that isn’t what’s important! What are you wearing? Where are you going to eat? What’re you going to see?” She beamed at him, wanting all of the details and honestly, Alec hadn’t figured any of it out. He figured that when Magnus texted him later those plans would just happen.

Alec shrugged, “We haven’t talked about the finer details yet, Iz. Calm down.”

“Calm down?! My big brother is going on his first actual date and you want me to calm down? Wear some color, will you? You always look really good in blue.”

He spend another thirty minutes talking to Izzy, enduring her ridiculous behavior before letting her go for the day. No actual promise was made on wearing something other than what he normally wore. Magnus knew who he was and seemed to like him as is. 

‘Good morning, Alexander.’

He thought about teasing Magnus about how morning had come and gone already, but the text still made him feel entirely warm on the inside. ‘Did you sleep well?’

‘Best I have in a while, thank you. So I’m thinking sushi for dinner. However, there is absolutely nothing worth seeing in theaters right now. We could just come back here and watch something?’

‘Sounds perfect to me.’

Despite Magnus claiming he was out for coffee with one of his closest friends, the text messages certainly didn’t halt in the slightest. He took picture of their coffees; his friend, Raphael, slightly blurred in movement. It made him miss his best friend, who was overseas for the holidays with his girlfriend and her family. Alec had encouraged the trip long before his personal fiasco had occurred. Long before he had realized that his Christmas was going to be spent in his college town and not surrounded by his siblings. Jace had subtly offered to stay behind, to come to town and spend the holidays with him, but Alec refused the idea. He didn’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday plans, especially not ones that probably costed a small fortune on Jace’s part. 

The remainder of his day was spent checking and rechecking for his grades and catching up on some shows on Netflix. It felt weird to not have to study, to not have any obligations for school. 

It wasn’t until an hour or so before his date that the nerves set in. Ra.king his fingers through his hair, he paced the length of his living room for the third time in the last minute. Without thinking, he texted Magnus.

‘I am vaguely nervous’.

‘No need to be nervous. It’ll hardly be any different than our times at the coffee shop. Perhaps, now, it’ll just be a little more relaxed. You’re no longer my student, so we don’t have to hide any affection. Unless that’s what you’re nervous about…’

'I’ve never had the time for a real relationship.’

'And that’s okay. We can take things slow. Go at whatever pace you’d like.’

Alec took a deep breath and nodded to himself. 'Okay. See you in a bit.’

He slid his phone into his pocket and just let Magnus’s words wash over him. During their discussion sections, Magnus had brought up having been in relationships with both men and women. (Those talks had been more casual than based on classwork, of course.) Alec was intimidated by it slightly. He had no experience whatsoever. There had never been any time for it, especially since he had been so closeted for so long. And he had been too afraid of dating guys before coming out to his parents. Because what if they had found out somehow?

He spent the drive to Magnus’s apartment building in lost in thought as some old rock song played on the radio. The lyrics vaguely reminded him of Magnus and he smiled despite his mind overthinking things a bit. The apartment building was definitely more lavish than this own and it didn’t surprise him in the slightest. Magnus seemed to like living large. With a deep breath, he opened the door and headed up to the building.

The first part of the date had gone off without a hitch, to Alec’s surprise. Magnus, being a self-proclaimed connoisseur of sushi, had insisted on ordering for the two of them, making Alec try things he certainly wouldn’t have without guidance. He didn’t even bat an eye as he slipped a credit card onto the tray holding their bill. And of course, when Alec offered to help pay or pay the whole thing himself, Magnus had dismissed it with a simple look.

"Next time, dinner is on me.” Alec chuckled as his eyes stayed glued to the road on the way back from the restaurant. He felt Magnus’s hand brush against his arm in the slightest, flirtatious in nature.

“Are you suggesting I eat sushi off of you, Alexander?”

Alec’s cheeks flushed a hot red, but he grinned nonetheless as he made a noncommittal sound. Magnus hummed along to the song on the radio as Alec glanced sideways, his expression softening. There was something magical about Magnus that he couldn’t put into words because he didn’t believe that any combination of words could ever truly capture Magnus’s entire essence.

He slid his hand into Magnus’s as they walked up the sidewalk to the building. The entire evening to that point had flowed so effortlessly and even as his nerves returned with the thought of being entirely alone with Magnus without the watchful eyes of the public, he felt more excited than scared. Alec had noted the decor when Magnus had ushered him inside earlier, not entirely ready for their date. But looking closer at everything, it all screamed Magnus. The whole living room was classy, yet had focal pieces of beautiful paintings or small sculptures to draw in the eye away from how simplistic other elements were.

Alec took a seat on the couch and started perusing Netflix as Magnus went to make them drinks. He handed Alec a bottle of beer while holding a martini for himself. "You come across as more of a beer drinker."

"I don't really drink at all, so it's probably a better choice." He laughed a bit, taking a sip. Controlling his face, he stopped the slight cringe of disgust from passing through. All alcohol was an acquired taste and he wasn't quite there yet.

"You hate it."

"No, it's fine." Alec took another sip to prove his point before slumping a bit into the couch, relaxing. "So, what should we watch?" They bickered playfully back and forth until they settled on some benign romantic comedy they both had no complaints about. Magnus kept the alcohol coming and after a couple of beers, Alec really didn't mind the taste anymore. The slight influence of the alcohol loosened him up and halfway through his third, he stopped watching the movie entirely. His eyes were drawn to every movement that Magnus was making, every laugh, every shake of his head, every gentle touch or caress he placed on Alec's leg or arm. Magnus met his gaze when he turned his head and it was then that the other man realized he had long ago become the movie.

Without being entirely sure of what he was doing, Alec leaned in and pressed his lips to Magnus's and the other man complied fully. The kiss started chaste and sweet, but as soon as Alec had got the hang of it, he tugged Magnus in closer. He tangled his hand in the delicate fabric of Magnus's shirt, desperate for more of Magnus. Even with intoxicated thoughts, he just wanted to know Magnus more, every part of him, good or bad. When he broke the kiss, he leaned his forehead against Magnus's, a smile lingering on his slightly swollen lips. His eyes remained closed, just basking in feeling of no longer having to hold back his desire.

"Do you have any idea how amazing you are?" Alec mumbled, his hand still clenched in Magnus's shirt, unwilling to let go.

Could a person fall in love so quickly? Was it only the alcohol talking? No, it could never just be the alcohol. His sober thoughts of Magnus mirrored these, but he had never really said them aloud, had he?

"I could ask you the same," Magnus replied, his lips moving softly against Alec's as he spoke. Alec opened his eyes and smiled in softest manner he could muster. They resumed their movie watching, Alec's head leaning against Magnus's in perfect contentment. He closed his eyes just for a moment, just to rest his heavy eyes as the alcohol had slowly started to make him feel drowsy.

"Alec? Alexander?"

"Hmmmm?" Alec replied sleepily, his eyes still closed.

"You fell asleep. The movie is over. C'mon, up with you. You can stay here tonight." Alec allowed himself to be directed to the bedroom. The sight of Magnus's gigantic bed was heavenly as he managed to kick out of his jeans, remaining in his t-shirt and boxers. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was the lightest of kisses being pressed to his cheek and a soft, "Sleep well, Alexander," whispered into his ear.