#homie should’ve just been a gardener

[the-wizard-of-magicland]

Of course it was you

[plasticfangtastic]

Carnivorous Lamb ch. 4

A Homelander x M! OC fic

A/N: Happy reading, this chapter contains spicy scenes of slightly NTR nature, read at your own risk. this chapter its mostly smut lol...prev. chapter:

Tags: r18, ntr-ish, dubcon, age gap (HL is in his mid 20's, OC in his early 40's), DILF, priest kink, moral degradation, slowburn, top HL, Homie its a warning on its own.

Chapter 4

Early Spring

He was bad after all… that’s what his mother had said… that’s why his mother had smothered him… why she never stopped smothering him, why he made his father kill his mother.

He made people do bad things.

That’s why he argued with God about his calling… he must've been mistaken.

He kept people away, rid of all the pretty things in his life that were gonna do him no good but then he welcomed this one… all because he was so pretty.

Now he had broken him.

John would dissapear in the morning.

John would not come back for a long time.

The bruises he left would heal, no longer any proof that he had been here in the first place.

God spoke to him for the first time as he caught the boy on the news, his failures broadcasted for the nation to see.

He spoke with God for many dreamless nights until he understood his purpose.

On a perfect spring Monday morning he came back.

In his garden where the trees flowered readying to bring more peaches, Homelander took a step towards the building glad to see it had been painted recently.

“I should tie a bell on you.”

He almost fainted from the surprise, putting his books to the side, staring him down across the aisle.

“I could learn to knock.”

The priest smile warmly at him.

“I… I wanted to see you…” Amarello whispered.

“You wanted to see me?” he looked around as if he was speaking to somebody else and not at him.

“To know if you were alright? You left without saying goodbye… I was worried…”

The thought of him worrying for him washed away all the nerves off his being, he had done something awful to a man so kind, he had made him break his vows, made him accept his feelings and then dumped him like he was another floozy– he was special so why did he treat him like just another mud-person.

Amarello was nothing like the others… This was more than proof of that… that even after he abandoned him, he still missed him, he still worried for him.

Guilt settled quickly, knowing he had behaved so poorly to a man he should’ve appreciated. To a man who had so much space in his heart left but only for him.

The older man tore the space between them, approaching quickly just to check on the younger man.

“You've been fumbling quite a bit according to the news… have you been praying? You stopped coming for my advice so I assumed you didn’t need it anymore but I hope you still ask for some…” he bit his lips– Is my fault isn’t it? I don’t want you to feel like it's your fault, John… I did you wrong.” 

A hand wearily reached for his face, cupping his cheek glad to be welcomed, glad that the lamb nuzzled his face against his sullied touch.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I swear. I never meant to do that… I… please don’t think I am crazy, Father… I… I have this friend inside me… sometimes… sometimes he takes control. And he’s good! but he’s angry… He has to be stronger and smarter than anybody else, even me… to protect us… he… he’s so angry… and we do these awful things…”

“It doesn’t matter, my son.”

He pulled him closer wanting to hold him in his arms, but choosing not to.

“Tell me what burdens you so heavily that you’re failing to uphold your end of the deal.”

“...end of the deal?”

“God gave you these powers for a reason… your purpose in life is to use them… not to squander them, not so you could fail at rescuing folks from a burning building… It’s my fault, no?”

His hand retreated, ashamed of touching him as those blue eyes watched him in confusion, hands creeping to the sides of the man as soon as he felt him pullign away, he wouldn’t let him go far, Homelander wanted him here with him, wanted to decipher his words with minimal effort.

“You had nowhere to put your burdens because of me… what I did to you… what I made you do… I promise I’ll help you get better…”

“It was…?”

“Is my fault that our lord its turned away from you… why all this awful had befallen you” His once light voice grew heavy– I asked for guidance, I asked and asked until I ran out of breathe to understand what I had to do to help you if you ever came back…”

A mind could conjure a hundred strange things but not more stranger than this priest bizarre words, his gaze so dead he wasn’t sure if this was a fever dream, he sunk into his shoulders, catching a whiff of his scent, wrapping his arms around him, Amarello lacked any hesitation returning his gestures with affection breathing in the clean scent of his soft John– he had made him sick, he thought.

Hence why he had become so sloppy, why he had become a caped danger, even if they saw him as great and pure, he could tell by the mountainwork of propaganda being spouted by Vought to make every mistake appear not so bad, that he was being abandoned by their heavenly father.

Remedy his mistake… he had to by any means.

“You don’t think there’s anything wrong with me…? You don’t think–

“You’re good. You should be good… there’s nothing of you that was carved wrong…. let me help you stay good.” he whispered so quietly, Homelander could’ve missed it if he hadn’t been eager to receive his compassion.

Homelander nuzzled his neck, his lips parting to take in the heated skin, his hand tugging on the cloth.

“All the disease festering in you… let me take it with me… let me carry it for you…”

His taste was sweet, as sweet as his words and his touch, as sweet as peach flowers, this body twisting and learning, adapting and molded to his needs, fast and shallow thrust fill him as the Supe continues to flourish inside of him, his body numb and hazed as the nonstop stimulation continues– as he seeks to build rivers inside him, as he seeks to flood him with all the terrible things that he held back until he’s returns as a blank slate.

Bloodied kisses return old bruises, more handprints tattooed his hips and thighs, as he squeezes and lifts him, as he continues to slam himself with wet grunts, the room echoes every wet sounds, every squeak and mewl that escapes the priest, the doors unlock and for a moment he worries that a choir member will walk in on them, if his usual drunks will walk in on them, if another lost soul would find them… how would he explain that this is not corruption– that this is spiritual medicine? or better say… ritualistic purification.

How to explain as the young men hoist him on top of him stroking his cock as his body grows limp around his shoulders, leaving his sins in the only way God would let him?

Nobody finds him, nobody finds them as the young man cleans him, his tongue savoring the mixture, tongue digging the overly stimulated entrance, it puffs and opens around his lips, crying as his body wants more, his body that’s so weak and wasted somehow craves for more and he has to stop himself from going down that train of thought.

This is merely a duty… he cannot feel pleasure from this, he cannot reward himself with the flesh, this is just the way this messenger had opted to dispose of the sinful seed, of the germinating evil within.

He’s left full of his hate and this numbing heat in his stomach, his ears unable to listen to the words of the young Homelander as he kisses his nape relentlessly.

[ffamranxii]

I’m only about halfway through Meteor Garden so I’ll save my major comparisons to Boys Over Flowers for the end, but I’d really like to get out my thoughts as of episode 25.

This is Shancai, and she is our protagonist. She is literal sunshine in human form and she deserves SO MUCH BETTER than what she’s getting. Seriously, she needs to tell every single character in this show to fuck off and then get the hell out of Shanghai. She’s been assaulted, insulted, harassed, kidnapped, demeaned, and had absolutely everyone in this show tell her “Oh Si’s just a total dickbag because he loves you” and “you’re just unsure because you’re in love.” No, Si’s a dickbag because he’s the fucking devil and she’s unsure because she’s been forced into an abusive relationship due to her inability to just say no and Si’s inability to take a fucking hint. At this point I’m watching the series to see if she makes it the fuck out alive.

This is the F4, (l-r) Si, Lei, Meizuo, and Ximen. Si has some serious anger issues that apparently stem from his father passing away and no one loving him enough, which I guess gives him the reason to be a passive aggressive asshole and beat the fuck out of random guys. Body count so far: 2. He’s also literally assaulted Shancai four times as of episode 25, once within the first episode (which is when Shancai should’ve noped the fuck out of there but of course did not, because women’s autonomy and safety mean nothing in this show.) I understand that a huge part of the Hana Yori Dango franchise is Tsubasa/Junpyo/Si learning to be an actual human being and deal with his emotions, but Si is disturbing close to his manga counterpart, and manga Tsubasa almost got Tsukushi killed, on purpose, within the first ten chapters. That being said, when he’s with his friends he does have some good moments and does grow, but he seriously needs to leave Shancai alone. 

Lei is who I thought I would ship Shancai with, since I shipped his Korean counterpart with her Korean counterpart hardcore in Boys Over Flowers -- but I was wrong. Lei is not a great person. He’s cold and distant and extremely hung up over his childhood love Jing, who he’s only slightly nicer to. He follows Jing to Paris, and when they break up he uses Shancai not just to get over Jing but to pull some weird passive aggressive stunt over on Si. In fact, Si and Lei seem to have this really bizarre, sadistic sexual tension between them and have more chemistry than Shancai does with either of them. I’d root for that ship.

Meizuo is not at all what I was expecting. So far everyone follows their Korean counterparts really well -- except Meizuo, who is nothing like Woobin. Meizuo might as well be an entirely different character, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Also unlike Woobin, he gets his own storyline apparently with Caina, which looks promising. Meizuo is arguably my favorite Meteor Garden F4 member because he dresses like he fishes every piece of clothing from the trash and I scream “what the FUCK are you wearing” at least once an episode. He’s also the sassiest.

Ximen is just a slightly more manipulative Yijung, which I kind of like. He also seems to have a dangerous side to him that the Korean adaption gave to Woobin -- it’s implied that he and Si have beat up people in the past together. His relationship with Xiaoyou is, I think, the only fucking healthy one in the entire show so far; he’s extremely sweet, attentive, and caring towards her, even though he’s a dick and a troll to his friends (though to be fair, Meizuo and Lei also troll Si at every opportunity, which is hilarious) and enables Si’s behavior towards Shancai and passive aggressively shames her when she tries to stand up for herself. I’m wondering if his relationship with Xiaoyou will pan out like that, or if it’ll be super cute and storybook like Yijung’s was with Gaeul.

Shancai has actual friends in this adaption, holy shit. Xiaoyou is the Meteor Garden counterpart to Gaeul so we’ve seen her before. She’s very cute and kitschy, and at times is one of Shancai’s only supporters (though she also hardcore Shancai/Si and tells Shancai multiple times “you’re just in love” when Shancai voices her very valid concerns about the man, which is worrying because Xiaoyou also doesn’t make good choices when it comes to romance.) Li Zheng (middle) and Qinghe (right) don’t exist in Boys Over Flowers and therefore are completely new to me (but not to the franchise, as they have Hana Yori Dango counterparts). Li Zheng has a massive inferiority complex that isn’t entirely undeserved in the beginning, as Shancai (accidentally) leaves her humiliated in the rain and unable to get into a big party. She almost ruins Shancai’s life by getting her drunk, sending her home with a strange guy, and posting pictures of them in bed together all over the internet -- and Shancai, for some bizarre reason, fucking forgives her, because she is a literal saint and we do not deserve her. After that stunt, however, Li Zheng seems to be a pretty decent friend, but like everyone else in this show is completely unreliable when it comes to giving Shancai dating advice. 

Qinghe and I were homies for a while, because he is THE ONLY GODDAMN PERSON who continually sees Si for the asshole he is and calls him out on it, and the F4 treat him pretty badly, using him a lot as a replaceable member for when they kick Si out (for all of five minutes) for being a little too unbearable. However, by episode 25 he’s fully into Nice Guy mode, and hates Si not because he’s a douche but because Si is dating Shancai. Dude went from Shancai’s best friend to one step away from being an incel and I am mourning the loss hard. 

Here we have the one-offs, who I expected to play a much bigger role than they actually are. We have Tian Ye, who also is brand new to me having not existed in the Korean adaption. He’s a chef at a restaurant Shancai works in (before Si chases her away from it) and he’s the only goddamn person in this entire series so far who likes Shancai and hasn’t treated her badly. He actually tells Si to gtfo out of his restaurant and stands up to him for Shancai more than once. I loved him so much and I am so sad to see him go, but the reemergence of his ex(?) fiancee makes me hopeful he’ll show up again too.

Xiaozi is the girl Si’s mother tries to arrange for him to marry, and I was SO EXCITED for her because I LOVED her counterpart in Boys Over Flowers... but Meteor Garden has left me very disappointed indeed. She’s extremely wishy-washy about Si, saying first that she hates him and won’t marry him and doesn’t want anything to do with him and then in the same episode deciding that they’re going to date before their marriage and asking Shancai for advice. I really liked her for the first half of that episode and I feel like they just completely fucked up her character.

Jing is Lei’s childhood friend and ex girlfriend, and the only other person who is unconditionally nice to Shancai -- with the caveat that she’s a horrible cunt to Lei. At first all seems well. They seem to be very loving and in a committed relationship, but the more times she appears (and we have the chance to get to know her a lot better in 25 episodes than we did Seohyun in 40 something), the more it becomes clear that she’s only leading Lei on and doesn’t truly return his affections. She resurfaces in their lives just to drop a bomb on them -- “Hey I’m going to Paris and never coming back and also disowning myself from my family, okay bye!” -- and Lei actually drops everything in his entire life to go after her. The flashback we get of them in Paris is supposed to be cute, I think, with soft lighting and dreamy atmosphere, but it actually just shows Jing neglecting Lei to the point of cruelty until he decides he’s had enough and leaves. While we had almost an entire season before Seohyun announced her marriage to some Parisian dude, Jing does the same within the first fourth of 48 episodes, and it paints her in a horrible light. She destroyed Lei and doesn’t even feel bad about it, and we haven’t heard from her since.

These three don’t have character posters and that’s a damn shame. I must say, Si’s sister Zhuang (left) is JUST as badass as Junhee, and takes absolutely no shit from her brother -- but she isn’t here for very long. I think we saw her for, what?, two? three episodes? Junhee didn’t play a huge part in many episodes in Boys Over Flowers but she was still there a lot in the background, usually making quips at Junpyo or arguing with their mother. I hope Zhuang comes back. 

Caina is a character who’s new to me and I think I’m enjoying her a lot. She was introduced in the same arc as Tian Ye, which makes sense as she is (and maybe no longer?) his fiancee through an arranged marriage. While the F4 were all congratulating Shancai for doing well in the cooking competition, Meizuo just sat there a little starstuck and talked about hooking up with Caina the entire time. WELL SHE COMES BACK in episode 24(or is it 23?) TO MY IMMENSE SHOCK, and apparently is into trash chic because she immediately jumps into a little arc with him. What concerns me though is how her extremely low alcohol tolerance, her blackout drunkenness around men, and her blackout-induced injuries are all treated as comedy. Meizuo and some creep fight over her for two entire episodes, and each time ends with her eating pavement and waking up hungover and extremely beat up from it. This show makes me fear for the safety of women in China, since Caina’s predicament is played for laughs. Also, what happened to Tian Ye?? 

And finally, there’s THIS BITCH. Si and Zhuang’s mother. She even looks like Zhuang (which means in-universe Si looks like his father, which is extra heartbreaking as his father is dead), and she is the biggest cunt I’ve had the delight to watch. I hate this bitch like I hate Dolores Umbridge. I thought Junpyo’s mom was bad but Si’s mom is ten thousand times worse. She’s cold and cruel and looks to humiliate Shancai whenever she can, and even her own son and Mrs Yu too. She’s literally just Umbridge as a mom except she doesn’t physically abuse her children. She’s the only person I can say I’m almost okay with being made more terrible than before, because the mom was always supposed to be horrible.

All in all, Meteor Garden should be subtitled “Everyone In This Show Is A Terrible Human Being, Except Shancai Who Can Do No Wrong.” And normally I enjoy shows about terrible people but this one isn’t a comedy like It’s Always Sunny or The Office. This is supposed to be some great epic love story between Shancai and Si and all I see is a girl who feels like she can’t voice her own opinion and tell a guy to back off, and a guy with rage issues who won’t back the fuck off. 

I mean, I’m finishing the series, but... it’s definitely a challenge. At least the soundtrack is popping.

[misc-headcanons]

OC-tober Day 11 (Katakuri’s kids): Craft

@oc-growth-and-development (Warning: Incredibly fluffy content incoming)

Maple's focus on her book--an old tome of her mother's describing the basics of necromancy--was quickly cut short when she heard the patter of footsteps near her and the feeling of a small hand on her arm. She looked over to see her youngest siblings, Vanilla and Fritter standing next to her; Vanilla had tapped her while Fritter took his usual spot behind her while clinging to his blanket.

"Hey Maple," Vanilla said eagerly, "Can you help me and Fritter with something?"

Maple quickly reached for a bookmark and slid it in between her book's open pages. "Depends," she replied, pushing up her glasses. "What do you need help with?"

Vanilla smiled up at her eldest sister, eager to explain. "So," she started, "A bunch of the flowers in the gardens are blooming now, and we wanna make flower crowns. Buuut, after a few days, they'll dry up 'cause the plants will get all brown and die."

"And mine always come undone," Fritter added, "It's hard to tie the flowers and stems together." He held up one of his hands and wiggled his fingers. "'Cause I got tiny fingers."

Vanilla nodded. "But then I thought that you could make them stay green longer with magic--ooh, or you could make them bloom and then close up and bloom again too!" She gave Maple a sheepish smile. "I'd try to do it by myself, but I dunno any spells that do that...And last time I tried making a spell by myself, I got in trouble."

Maple smirked. "Well, that'll happen when you try making a spell to summon some glitter and wind up making it rain sparkles around the castle for a whole day," she said wryly.

Vanilla pouted. "I knoooow," she whined. "I still don't get why Uncle Mont-d'or and everybody else got so upset. Glitter makes things look better, and everyone's clothes and armor and stuff was so sparkly!"

Fritter nodded. "And it makes 'em less scary. Uncle Monty said he was gonna put us in time-out with one of his books, but all I could think was 'Wow, I never saw Uncle Monty look so twinkly before.'"

Maple bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling; as hilarious as it was to remember her furious Uncle doused in a layer of rainbow sparkles, she didn't want to encourage that sort of behavior in her siblings. "Well this time, you'll have supervision when you use magic," she replied, easing her way out of her plush reading chair. "I'll find a spell that keeps flowers fresh, and you can practice it with me. Okay?" Fritter and Vanilla nodded eagerly, and Maple followed them as they trotted out to the royal gardens. 

"Yaaay, thanks!" Vanilla cheered. "And you can pick whatever flowers you want for your crown first, Maple!"

"But save some bluebonnets please, if you're gonna pick those," Fritter added hastily. "I wanna make one with blue and purple flowers, and bluebonnets are my favorite blue flower!"

The three of them arrived at the gardens, and Fritter and Vanilla set out to gather all of the flowers they needed to make the crowns they wanted. Maple pulled out a small dusty tome in her coat's inside pocket and leafed through its pages, looking for any spells she'd written that dealt with plants. "Hmm...Oh, here's one," Maple mused. "I think I wrote this for one of Mama's gifts for Mother's Day last year." Vanilla ran over with armfuls of various flowers in many colors and looked down at Maple's open journal entry. "To ex-tend the life-span of cut plants and flowers," she read aloud. "Okay, so do we just say the spell to the flowers and then they'll live forever?"

Maple set a small leaf in between the pages of her journal to mark her page. "Well, nothing lives forever," she replied. "I mean...you can raise skeletons and bodies with necromancy, but they still need upkeep and stuff so they don't fall apart. And spells to live forever usually have a really big downside like having eternal life but not eternal youth, so eventually you just turn into a little shriveled raisin and can't ever stop getting older…" 

Maple saw the confused and zoned-out look on her sister's face, and blushed at how she had started rambling. "Um. Anyway, the spell just makes the flowers last and stay fresh for a year or so," she said hastily. "We'd just need to use the spell again once a year to keep the flowers from dying. We'll make the flower crowns first, and then once they're put together we'll cast the spell."

Vanilla grinned. "Okay!" She went back into the garden's bushes to collect more flowers, with Maple following behind her to help. Soon the three of them had made a sizeable pile of flowers and stems to work with, and the three of them sat down in a small circle around the flowers. Vanilla sat next to Maple as she made her first flower crown. "What kinda flowers so you want for your crown, Maple?"

Maple reached for a few spiky sky-blue flowers to start making a crown for her twin sister Dochi. "Anything that's purple,' Maple replied, intertwining a series of stems with precision. "You probably know more about flower crown arrangements than I do, so whatever you make will turn out great."

Vanilla set to work on making the best purple flower crown in the world, and the three of them worked while chatting together. "Hey, should we all work together on Papa's? It's gonna have to be really big…"

Fritter nodded. "Do we have any flowers that look like donuts? He'd really like a flower crown like that."

"I don't think so," Vanilla said reluctantly. "But...flower crowns kinda look like donuts, right? So we can pick flowers that maybe look like sprinkles, or ones that are colored like they have sprinkles."

Fritter nodded and eyed his own flower crown, apparently admiring his handiwork. "I made this one just right," he said firmly with a smile. He held it up to show his eldest sister. "Look, Maple. It's not fallin' apart this time!"

Maple, who had put on Vanilla's finished crown for her and cast her spell to make them last, smiled and patted Fritter's head. "Nice job, Fritter." She took out her journal again and followed along with the incantation written on her page, and a small amount of green energy swirled around Fritter's crown before disappearing into the blossoms. Fritter carefully placed the crown on his head and smiled proudly, and then set out to help Vanilla finish a crown meant for their older brother Ube; Maple put the finishing touches on her crown for her sister Dochi, and set it aside.

After about an hour, the three siblings had made a set of crowns for their entire immediate family (as well as a few for their grandmother, and their grandmother's two companions named Zeus and Prometheus). Vanilla scooped up all of the crowns and hung them all on Fritter's arms--he had volunteered to be the "crown carrier" while they delivered them all. Fritter toddled in front of Maple and Vanilla while they looked for their family members in the Whole Cake Chateau. Maple flipped to a blank page in her notebook and scribbled down a list of everyone they'd made a crown for. "Grandma should be easy to find," she said. "She should've just finished having her mid-morning snack, so she'll be in the throne room with Zeus and Prometheus."

The three of them made their way to the throne room, but found that the doors were closed. The guards at the doors looked down on the children. "I'm sorry," one of them said, "But Big Mom's in a meeting with the Sweet Commanders about something important. Do you want us to pass along a message?"

Fritter wiggled his outstretched arms a bit. "Can you give her some of these flower crowns, please?" He moved to display the full set of flowers dangling from his arms. "The biggest one is for her, with all the pink flowers. And then the two rainbow ones next to that are for Zeus and Prometheus. And THESE are for--"

The familiar voice of Big Mom herself came from the other side of the door, and it immediately caused the guards to freeze in place. "Ah, is someone at the door?" 

Vanilla tried to peek through the small crack between the large doors to the throne room. "Hiiii, Gramma! It's 'Nilla and Fritter and Maple!" Her voice was as sweet as ever, even when talking to someone as terrifying and dangerous as Big Mom. "We can come back later if you're busy doing important Yonkou stuff. We made flower crowns!"

Big Mom was quiet for a few seconds, and then chuckled. "Ahhh, how nice," she cooed. "Please, come in! Your mama and papa are here as well!"

The guards reluctantly opened the doors for the three of them, and they stepped inside to see their parents as well as their Aunt Smoothie and Uncle Cracker. It seemed that Big Mom had called a meeting with her three Sweet Commanders, and Katakuri's wife had been allowed to sit in as well. Vanilla skipped inside and ran up to her grandmother's gigantic throne to give Big Mom a hug; she couldn't even measure up to her grandma's knees, but that didn't stop her from wrapping her grandma up in a hug as best as she could. 

Big Mom chuckled and reached down to hold Vanilla in one hand and held her up at eye level to give her a kiss. "Mamamama, this is such a nice surprise," she said sweetly. Vanilla beamed and pointed down at the array of crowns on Fritter's hands and arms. 

"We made yours extra big," Vanilla said, "And pink too, since I know it's your favorite color! And Zeus and Prometheus have rainbow ones!"

Upon hearing their names, Zeus and Prometheus floated down to Fritter in order to eye the presents for them. Fritter, who was always a little nervous around Grandma and her Homies, held out three crowns meant for them and Big Mom herself. "H-here ya go," he said quietly. "We didn't know your favorite colors, so we m-made it with every color…" Zeus, a fluffy animated cloud, smiled and wiggled his head until the crown fit on top of him; Prometheus, a small sun, did the same and the two of them carried the giant pink crown to place on their master's head. 

Maple placed a comforting hand on Fritter's shoulder and led him to a spot between their parents. Their mother Etherea smiled at the two of them and patted their heads. "I was wondering where you three had wandered off to," she mused. "Dochi and Ube are busy sparring outside. Do you want me to send their crowns to them?"

Fritter nodded and handed his mother the two crowns meant for their siblings: a light blue one for Dochi, and one with dark red flowers for Ube. Etherea murmured a small incantation and the two crowns floated out of a nearby window to make their way to Dochi and Ube. Fritter climbed up into his mother's lap to place her crown on top of her head--an elegant combination of purple roses and black petunias. Maple took a seat next to her mother, eager to tell her all about how well her spell had worked once this meeting with Big Mom was finished.

Big Mom set Vanilla down, and the young girl immediately ran to her parents to give them both a hug as well. "We made some for you too! Ooh mama, yours came out super pretty!" She looked over at her Aunt Smoothie and Uncle Cracker with an apologetic frown. "Um, we don't have any for you...but we can make some more if you want one!"

Smoothie shook her head with a bemused look on her face. "Don't worry," she replied. "I wouldn't want my helm to ruin something so precious."

Cracker smirked. "And my sparks would just set 'em on fire," he added, pointing to the firecrackers that adorned the ends of his hairdo. "But thanks for the offer, kiddo."

Fritter held up the final flower crown on his arm and reached up towards his father; even when he was seated, Katakuri was still too tall for him to even attempt to reach. "And this one's for you, Papa," he said. "We all worked on it together. See? It's got flowers that look like they got sprinkles on em, so it's like a donut flower crown!"

Katakuri carefully reached down to pick up the circle of flowers without crushing any of them, and peered at the blossoms all around it; each flower was either white or a light shade of pink, with multicolored speckles all around it. He smiled behind his scarf and set the crown on top of his head before gently patting Fritter's cheek with one finger. "How do I look?"

Cracker had to bite back a laugh at seeing his stoic big brother in a rainbow-speckled flower crown, and Smoothie couldn't help but smile at how cute the whole scene was. Maple gave her father a silent thumbs up with a small half-smile on her face, and her two younger siblings followed suit. "Like a Donut King," Vanilla confirmed. Fritter nodded, and Katakuri let out a small amused "mmm" (he never really laughed unless he was alone with his wife and children--or his Sprinkles, as he sometimes called them). He outstretched his arms for his three children to gather in his lap, and all three of them climbed aboard and settled comfortably with their flower crowns. It wasn't long before they fell asleep during the meeting, and Big Mom subtly had one of her servants take a picture of Katakuri in his own flower crown with Etherea and the three sleeping children all in frame. Cracker and Smoothie both smirked at each other; they'd never imagined they'd see their fearsome big brother look so adorable.

[bluebellhairpin]

OOOHHHHHH!!! ASKY ASKY ABOUT YOUR WRITY: B D F K P

ANSWERY ANSWERY ABOUT MY WIRTY sorrynotsorry and jeeeesus is this hella long.

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

Yes, most definitely. 

I have a set of headcanons about a short person and Kurt Wagner (You can find that here), and also a one shot with Steve Rogers (Found here, and I actually put a number of personal experiences in the first parts of that one) - since I am very short and small by my family’s standards they relate to me well. 

There’s also a Avengers fic I wrote that involved Tim-Tams - an Australian icon, and I am Australian (Find that one here). 

I also did an Ahkmenrah imagine (here homies) about a museum curator - which is a job I would love to have. 

Also the fic ‘Something’s Not Right’ has a fair amount of personal meaning to me. My family has history of miscarriages (both recent and in the past) so around the time I wrote this two of my cousins had miscarriages. Plus I’ve lost a would-be younger brother to birth defects, so this fic can hit a bit closer to home for me. 

D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?

I always listen to music when I write. When I do Hobbit stuff I tend to listen to Soundtrack music, and when I write Batmom I have a special Spotify playlist for when I write her to get in the mood. 

I love music. So I listen to it all the time. I’m even listening to some now. 

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

You’re making me choose One?  Why?

The following is from ‘Killer Queen - Part 2′ and man, I do like it. The Reader is speaking to Joker and how he always chooses to be dramatic and extravagant with how he acts and kills, and I just think that even though she’s speaking to Joker, Readers words could apply to a number of people to day - even if killing is replaced by something else. 

“No, I won’t! I’d rather die.” you said, stepping out of line slightly, only to have Harley roughly pull you back to your spot.

“You don’t have a choice!” Joker laughed, “But they all do! You’ve given me a wonderful idea!” he said, sweeping his arm over the crowd. “They can bid on who else can live! That way you won’t be so lonely in your cage.“

"We’re not for sale!” you said, turning the Joker back on you. His eyes turned wild, and in an instant he had you pulled out of Harley’s hold and closer to him, a knife right up to your neck.

“Speak again and I’ll make your dream of death come true.” he hissed.

“You kill because you’re a coward,” you started quietly, partly from fear, and partly because of the sharp slice of instant death being held right on your throat. “You crave chaos when it belongs to you, but fear order when it’s against you. You’re scared of the people of Gotham rebelling against you, and that’s what makes you a coward.” With your words came a flash of almost sanity, but it didn’t last long. But before he could speak, you spoke instead.

“That’s why you fear the Batman.” Instead of killing you for your accusation, Joker laughed.

“If I fear Batman, why am I here? He’s in this room, I know he is.” Beside you, Damian stiffened, only slightly, and only enough for you to notice.

And this next part is from ‘Plague’, and I like it because this is the moment Damian starts to view Batmom as his mom. For me it really shows how he can grow as a character. But what I like most is how today people can change and that no matter how bad things get there are always going to be people around to stand up and fight for what is right - even if there’s only a few of those people. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, resting his arm against the glass alongside hers. If the glass wasn’t there he would’ve taken her hand.

“What for Dami?” she asked, voice as quiet as his. Damian’s throat was tight. Dami.

He liked that.

“For not saving you.” he said after a while silent. “I was there. I should’ve been more vigilant.” She clenched her hand.

“You don’t need to be sorry. If it wasn’t me it could’ve been you, and I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself for that.” she said, leaning away to cough. She recovered quickly, a hand on her chest. “I don’t blame you for this Damian. There are bad people in this world, and they do bad things. Good people - like you, your father, and your brothers - they’re what stops the bad from overrunning the good.”

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

I’ve written a fic about Steve Rogers and the Hanahaki disease, and that was pretty sad. 

But then I also wrote one about Sherlock and the story behind the skull on the fireplace with has brought tears (Here). I like that one. 

And I wrote one about Pacific Rim’s Chuck Hansen (here it be) which is angsty because you know how it ends, you know it’s sad, you know they could die, but then you also don’t. I just love Chuck Hansen ok? 

Of course ‘Something’s Not Right’ is going to be mentioned again. But at least it ends in a more bittersweet way than the others. 

And then I have some on my backburner that are SUPER angsty - one of which you might not see for months because I have multiple parts of the fic to finish before I get to the most angst-filled part. 

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

I am both. I have a rough I idea of what I want, and I know how I want it to end - but sometimes I start writing and it just changes. My mind moves faster than my hands, and if I don’t write down my exact idea quick enough then it changes or I move on. 

May a fics have ended in ways I hadn’t originally planned - or I’ve deleted them because I got too bored to keep writing them. 

Thanks for sending in the asks, this was fun! - Nemo

[caithelps]

Trip by Jhene Aiko RP Sentence Starters Part 3: (feel free to change name(s), pronouns, etc as needed) Find part 1 here, part 2 here

Triggers: Drugs/pills, alcohol

Never Call Me ft Kurupt:

“Oh, boy, I'ma have to call them boys on you”

“Awe damn, I'ma have to call that man on you”

“Something, something, something must be really wrong with you”

“Why can't you just tell the fuckin' truth now?”

“Yes your mama did, she raised a fool, wow”

“What the fuck did you learn in that schoolhouse?”

“To chase them thrills"

“Takin' pills in the hills, Slauson Hills, Overhills might get you killed”

“Not welcome 'round them parts no more”

“Do not run your mouth no more”

“I can't protect you no more”

“It's out of my hands for sure”

“You should've called me”

“Why you never call me?”

“Okay, now you wanna say all that I’ve done to ya”

“You knew all along that I wasn't the one for you”

“So let's stop pretending like we were in love”

“We never shared anything but the drugs”

“We were both numb, never had anything real between us”

“We really must be smoking that crazy shit, in my city talkin' crazy shit”

“But you ain't know I'm a crazy bitch”

“And tell your lawyer that I ain't paying shit”

“Maybe you should chill, really in your feels”

“My bros really in the field”

“Neighborhood is really real and they don't play that here”

“You shouldn't say that here”

“You should've made it clear, my dear”

“Now hey sis, I'ma let you know like this”

“Hit me right back, this Kurupt, okay?”

“The 60's, we ain't worried bout none of these muthafuckin' bustas”

“Ya understand me?”

“From the Overhill to the fronts to the back mayne”

“We pushin' this line to d'nine”

“So don't worry 'bout none of this shit"

“Don't worry 'bout him callin' you and all the rest of that shit”

“You know what? It's his lost, ya know what I'm sayin'?”

“I heard the homie, the homie called me and was like”

“I'm like "No, not Jhené"

“Né-né, you hit me I got you, you understand me?”

“You're the one, I love you, make sure you hit me back”

“This is your big brother, you hear me?”

“Aye, call me as soon as you get this, you hear me?”

“Don't make me call your mama now, I'll track you down”

Nobody:

“Attention is expensive to pay”

“I can't get by on minimum wage”

“Been dealing with this venomous rage”

“Since I was under the age I've been under the influence of pain”

“And I never needed nobody”

“Never needed no one”

“No, I don't need nobody"

“I don't need no one, shit, I don't need no one”

“Fucking up my chakras again”

“My father is a doctor, I've been talking to him”

“All the shit I'm taking could've got it from him”

“I don't have no patience, prolly got it from him”

“Just a product of him”

“Pop one, pop two, pop three, four pills”

“These things tell me how life should feel”

“Fuck you, it's my free will”

“Please don't tell me to chill” 

“'Cause I don't need nobody”

“No one ever listened, no one called me pretty”

“Grampy called me ‘Penny’, I think I am worthless”

“I don't have a purpose”

“Who am I enough for?”

“Why we always lose what we work for?”

“Why we hurt more?”

“Why we never see my mother cry?”

“She's so tough for us, poor her”

“Grab my purse with my prescriptions in it”

“Tiny bursts of optimism in them”

“I'm reversing my decision to win”

“Take this take this, take this, take”

“Back to '88 when everything was great”

“Then life had just begun”

“It is '89 now, everything is fine now”

“I am only one”

“Wait for the 2008 summer”

“I'ma be a mother, wow”

"2012 summer, it just got tougher”

“I don't have my brother now”

“Take this, take six, take pics, faces, famous”

“Face it, fake shit, pain is faithless”

“Yes, I am aware I am tripping”

“I'm here in this hell that I don't wanna live in”

“I smoke on my own, I drink on my own”

“I know it's wrong”

“To people I know, they just wanna know what's going on”

“I can't tell a soul, no, I can't tell no one”

“Don't need nothing from no one”

“But you're not alone, you got me”

“Look, I know what'll make you feel better”

“Here, try this 

Overstimulated:

“Is this thing on?”

“Reverse effect”

“Don't get it wrong, don't get it twisted”

“Don't mix it up, gotta get lifted”

“You know I'm young, you know I'm gifted”

“I'm on a roll, I'm on a mission”

“I need your light, I need your guidance”

“Already high, I'll be alright, I wanna try it”

“Crushing the line, cutting the line, crossing the line”

“Bumps in the night got me over here overstimulated”

“Crushing the line, cutting the line, crossing the line”

“Bumps in the night got me, got me over here overstimulated”

“Why you never stay for long? You always go so fast”

“Who's gonna hold my hand when I'm crashing”

“Took it without looking now I'm looking up the side effects”

“Pill identifier says that I should be dying next”

“My regrets, oh my regrets”

“Over here overstimulated”

“Let's get one thing clear bitch, I am the greatest”

“You are not my peer, you are overrated”

“Know you mad I made it, know you hate it”

“But I'm in this bitch like”

“And if my heart goes out right now this goes out to you”

“This goes out to you”

“What the fuck did you give me?”

“Oh, no no Chill chill”

“Huh?”

“Are you okay?”

“Did you see that?”

“I don't know what you're talking about”

“Relax, relax”

“Get me out of here

“Why would you do this to me?!”

“Someone give her some water”

Bad Trip:

“I'm having an awful time

“You said you would get me high

“But you took me out my mind way down to the other side”

“On a bad trip”

“Like a child in a womb, with no room to grow”

“In a world I didn't know, I'm confused and cold”

“Now you show me all the things I could never see”

“In a new reality, I cannot believe”

“Bad trip”

“I thought you loved me”

“Someone get me some help”

“You told me you loved me”

“You're a liar, I hate you”

“Where am I?”

“Just calm down”

“Don't touch me”

Oblivion (Creation):

“The world's a fucking mess”

“It's gone to shit”

“I am every bit a part of it”

“I may have started it”

“I try to find a brighter sight”

“An elevated, higher sight”

“It's out of sight”

“Oblivion”

“Wish I would go back”

“I could go back to no one”

“Oblivion, wish I would go back”

“I could go back to nothing”

“My life's a fucking trip”

“It makes me sick”

“I am so jaded and I hate it”

“I'm faking it”

“I try to find a greater shade”

“To be the way”

“To lead the way”

“I need to wait”

“I could go back to nothing”

“There's no lovin' without losin'”

“There's no livin' without bruisin'”

“There's no limit, no delusion”

“Sweet oblivion”

“It's out of sight, out of mind”

“Dear brother”

“Am I still asleep?”

“Last night I saw you”

“And you told me there was coin laundry on the moon”

“I met a boy, he wasn't right for me”

“But now that I'm alone I can hear the spirits talking”

“From the metaphysical to the physical”

“From the inside out”

“Let there be no doubt”

“Sage, means sagacity and intelligence that’s why the indigenous people burned it”

“To bring out the wisdom”

“If you talk to your plants, they will talk to you and they will nourish you”

“Nourish you to a greater creation“

Psilocybin (Love in Full Effect):

“Get it poppin' on this Psilocybin”

“Getting rid of inhibition”

“In a sane asylum”

“I can feel it hit the ceiling”

“When it’s in my body”

“An out of body experience”

“A spirit party”

“Won’t let the day get in the way”

“We’re on a plane to inner space”

“Don’t be afraid, give it away”

“We gotta make a great escape”

“I can do all things”

“By the sunlight”

“What a wonderful life”

“We should do mushrooms by the moonlight”

“What a wonderful ride”

“Right mind, right now”

“Right direction”

“By your side”

“You and I, do or die”

“Who am I?”

“Your reflection”

“Got this Psilocybin in my pocket”

“I am a healing prophet”

“Seeds of promise in my garden”

“I need to harvest often”

“Such a lush experience”

“So mysterious”

“In a sweet delirium”

“No need to rush it”

“I am helping you grow”

“Psychedelics, yes”

“A supreme bright other”

“Can't you see my color?”

“I'm the divine mother”

“Please don't blow my cover”

“Take a ride into paradise”

“Let's go on a journey hidden in the sky”

“Come and take a ride into paradise”

“Open up your heart and let me in”

“I will not let you down”

“Don’t trip, I gotcha”

“Open up your mind and you’ll feel it, the healing”

“Go slowly, go slower”

“No need to rush it”

“Love-lovely feel”

“Now, breathe”

“Breathe through it”

“Be still, be here”

“No fear”

“You are here”

“Breathe, love”

“I'm from Sirius”

“8 light-years away”

“15 trillion miles”

“Without the smiles”

“Let me see you smile”

“Give me 5,200 feet of happiness”

“Now let me see you smile”

“Give me 5,080 feet of happiness”

“Are you living?”

“Or are you just surviving?”

“Are you giving?”

“Let me see love”

“Living on valued energy”

“I got life”

“Love is for happiness”

“Love in full effect”

“I'm from the Universe soul”

“We're all from the Universe soul”

“We're all one”

[travelingthroughtimejjs]

Heartbreak

598 days. Who knew someone could have such an impact on you in 598 days. I knew who Katen was in high school, but we didn’t really talk, she had no idea who I was. I always thought she was a good looking girl, but I had a girlfriend and didn’t think twice about it. But three years after we had a very fateful night. A story I truly believe equaled the right girl at the wrong time.

I woke up on the Friday after the first Ag night ready for round 2. Matt was coming to Saskatoon and we planned on going to the U of S football game. The beer gardens were going on at this point on campus and I was texting everyone I knew trying to find someone to go with, but no one really wanted to. Then I texted Maria and she was like yeah let’s go, so we did, we sat there for 2 hours with a couple of her friends and she invited me to her party that evening. I told her that me and the boys might show up later. I went home and started to pre drink for the football game when Matt texted me and let me know that he was going to be late, so we probably wouldn't make the game anymore. The plan changed and Jackson, Josh, Matt and I were going to go to Maria’s party. Well we showed up and it was an absolute mess. Maria was crying because her and her boyfriend were having a fight and this guy named Justin was being super annoying and would not leave us alone, so after 15 minutes we said fuck it and left. We just started walking towards Boychuk Drive. I was texting a girl that I knew from school because she was having a party and she said I could come but when I told her I was bringing 3 friends she wasn’t down anymore. So we gave up on trying to find a party, Josh got us an Uber and it picked us up instantly, off we were to go home.  On our way home I was watching stories in the back of the Uber and Amanda Puetz had a story with some people drinking in a van. So I snapchatted her and asked what’s up, she said they were at a party, so I asked if me and the boys could come, she said yes, I asked for the address but she wasn’t answering. Her snap map was on though so the Uber driver pulled a fat right hand turn into Sutherland for the boys and we walked around until we found the party. Here we met up with Amanda and she was with Katen among other people. The party ended up getting shut down about 20 minutes after we got there so we invited them back to our house, but they said they didn’t have a ride. So we got an Uber and Marc and Greg joined us. We were sitting at home when Amanda texts me saying that they got a ride and were coming over, so the boys and I grind cleaned the whole house so fast. Me and Katen clicked instantly, we just talked all night.

I was still technically dating Eden at this point but we didn’t really talk at all. She was just ignoring me all the time because I was going out with my friends. So I started talking to katen. And when Eden finally broke up with me, I didn’t really talk about it to anyone. Matt asked me about it so I told him, but less than a week after when I was talking to Katen I suggested to her that we should go on a date, and that’s how I broke the news to her that I was now available.

This girl was so fun loving, so goofy that it brought me joy. I loved being silly with her and seeing her smile. I’ve always been super attracted to ambitious women. Women that have a plan to do something in their life and strive to make a good life for themselves. Characteristics of strength and independence. And that was part of the beauty of this girl, we could spend hours just laying around together doing nothing and I’d be happy.

The next few months me and Katen were absolutely obsessed with each other. I would do anything to spend even just a little bit with her. I would have an hour in between classes so I would go and sit with her in her lecture. We would go back to one of our places for lunch or a nap, or go to the library together. We would be busy with school work but then go to each others houses just to sleep at night, even if that meant getting up super early for me to go home and get ready for school. She would come over just to watch survivor or when I was doing school work just so we could be around each other. We weren’t even dating and I took her to the most special place in my heart, a garden located at the back of the U of S. I had a bunch of school work to do on her birthday, but I wanted to be with her on her special day so I made it work, went and hung out with her and some friends before they went for supper and then came back after and spent the night with her. Jackson and josh always said that katen was one of the homies when we were living in Saskatoon, they loved how fun she was to hangout with. She would come pick me up when I needed a ride, bring me my favourite snacks. I was always super embarrassed about my money situation with katen when we were in Saskatoon because I couldn’t afford anything. She was always buying us late night skip the dishes but I couldn’t return the favour because I didn’t have extra money.

Josh would always poke at me, saying that I loved her. He knew it, I was falling in love with her. But that terrified me, I wasn’t ready to be in another relationship yet, and I communicated that with katen, and she was sooooo patient with me about it. She was cold sometimes, but the more I think about it, she was being respectful of the situation and not trying to be super pushy towards me. Halfway through March I decided I needed to let her go until I was ready for her, I felt too bad keeping up with how things were when I knew I couldn’t give her everything she deserved. So I had that hard conversation with her.

We still continued to be BEST friends, like I would tell her everything, there was no one I trusted more in the world. Over the next two months I was sitting at home thinking about the situation and I came to the conclusion that I need to make it work, she felt too right to let the timing end things. So I stopped talking to everybody else and focused on building a relationship with katen out of our friendship.

Well a week later she told me that she was going to hangout with someone, which killed me. At this point my plan was ruined, so I told her how I felt and she didn’t really believe me. So we ended up spending sometime not talking, which was realllllllly hard for me because we had talked all day everyday for the past 7 months. One night I had a really bad panic attack because of my anxiety and I called her and told her that I needed to see her. We smoothed things over, and after giving her some space for a couple weeks (on and off because I’m so bad at it) we ended up finally officially dating on June 6th.

The summer was super fun, we did a lot of cute things together. Even when school started I was still just working at the cemetery so we’d have study dates and do work together and then spend some alone time together after we were done working. Everything was good, all of the rest of 2020 we were attached at the hip. I’d bring her to my friends houses because they all loved her. And the way she got affectionate when she was drunk drove me into an insane pit of happiness. Katen was different, she let me come to her friends cabin and spend time with her other friends. After what happened with eden and Brayden there was no way I was going to talk to another girl when I was dating katen. I wanted her to have no doubt that she was my only, I cut ties with all of my female friends and would only text them by need. Anytime I was having a tough day at work, I would call her at lunch and she would comfort me.

This girl was equivalent to sunshine to me. She felt like home. Have you ever been homesick before? Without her that’s all I felt. When I spoke so highly of her all the time Caleb would say that she’s perfect and I always agreed. I’ve never felt my soul so connected to anything. I tried to remember every single detail about this girl to show her I cared.

When things got hard for me I didn’t show Katen that I appreciated her enough. I still hungout with her whenever i wasn’t working but I was in a funk and I couldn't show her what she needed to see. My dad said to me a few times that he didn’t get how she put up with me when I was so busy all the time, but I always just told him she was the most understanding person I knew. She did try to address this with me, but I never wanted to talk about it. When I was with Katen that was my time away from all the other stresses in my life, that meant I wanted to keep the stress out of our relationship. This ultimately wasn't fair, you should always be up to have those hard conversations no matter what’s going on in your life. I always thought she was understanding of the situation and that things would change once summer came but that was me being complacent. Don’t EVER get complacent. Value EVERY moment, no matter what’s happening in your life.

In March Katen told me she was looking to move back to Saskatoon soon, but selfishly I didn't want her to go. I had a whole summer plan of spending time with her after work most days, but I didn't want to sound like a psycho boyfriend and tell her not to go. So I got defensive about it when we would talk about it, instead of just telling her how I felt. I’m glad she went, her opportunities are endless.

By the time my mood had improved it was too late, Katen had made up her mind but I didn’t even realize. She was being pretty distant to me, but she had also told me she was really stressed about school so i didn’t want to press her and add to her stress. When I really knew something was wrong was when I brought her a couple of gifts just randomly, but she wouldn’t look at me, and wouldn’t give me a kiss when I was leaving. I should’ve addressed it right then, but I didn’t. It was quite ironic that giving her space ended up being my downfall. That was basically the end, after almost 11 months of officially dating and a year and a half of being the best of friends, she was gone just like that. She asked me for space but I was terrible at that. It’s so hard to let go of someone you thought you’d never have to.

[analogscum]

BLACKOUT (1985, d. Douglas Hickox)

I’m gonna let you in on the process, my dear Scumbags. The method behind all of this madness, if you will. This is how I tend to go about picking a movie to write about for this site: I look at the VHS box art. I would like to say that this is because I want to make the experience of reading ANALOG SCUM like scrounging through the grimy back section of a video store of yore, but the reality is that I’m lazy and easily swayed by aesthetics. So you can imagine my elation when I came across the box art for 1985’s Blackout. I mean, look at this puppy! There’s a bondage gimp man brandishing a knife, with a very rock n’ roll title font, what’s not to love?! This is one of those titles that haunted (tee hee) the horror section of my local National Video as a young’n, and I’m sure horror fans around my age or older remember those piercing blue eyes staring at us through that leather mask. Based on this box art, I thought I would be watching a sleazy giallo-inspired slasher, with nudity and gore to spare, maybe even of the SOV variety, which is a-ok in my book. But then…I learned that Blackout was a made-for-TV movie. Oh fudge.

So there’s this lady in a red trench coat, right? She walks up to a house and knocks on the back door. Then she rings the doorbell, and it sounds like a buzzer, which, who has a doorbell on their back door, and that’s not how a doorbell sounds. Fucking CARE MORE, filmmakers. The lady finds a spare key and enters the house. It’s pretty eerie. There’s classical music blaring, and the remnants of a child’s birthday party are still on the dining table. The lady goes into a side office, where the classical music is blaring from, and turns off the record player. But what’s that? The TV is on in another room. So the lady heads downstairs. It’s dark. It’s creepy. And in the TV room, there’s another lady and three kids, and they’re super duper dead! Whoa! Afternoon ruined!

And so enters Detective Grandpa. He’s a grizzled old gumshoe who you just know is going to take this case way too personally and the guy who did it is going to become his white whale, etc. etc. etc. Detective Grandpa learns that the patriarch of this murdered family, one Ed Vincent, has gone missing. So of course that must be the perp who done it! Cut to: a guy hitchhiking by the side of the road. Huh? So he gets picked up by someone driving what looks like a Yugo or a Gremlin or some other terrible late 20th century car. Anyway, this fucking guy immediately starts tailgating a lumber truck for no goddamn reason. Ease off the gas, dicknose! Then he tries to pass the lumber truck on the right hand side, which, c’mon, asshole, and then ANOTHER LUMBER TRUCK comes in the other direction, the car swerves, goes up a hill, comes crashing down, and fucking EXPLODES. Was it worth it, ya tailgating son of a bitch?!

Now the movie turns into The Diving Bell and the Butterfly for a few minutes, and we see things from the perspective of the hitchhiker. Turns out he’s suffered serious facial injuries and will require a series of total reconstructive surgeries, plus he’s got amnesia, so he has no idea who he is, whoops. We meet a bunch of his doctors, who don’t matter, plus his nurse, who is played by Kathleen Quinlan, aka the lady from Apollo 13, plus her cop boyfriend, played by Michael Beck, aka the guy from The Warriors and zero other good movies. She’s a recent divorcee, and he’s extremely pushy about wanting to get married, and gets super annoyed when she tries to assert her personhood, but don’t worry about it. Anyway, our homie gets all of his surgeries, and decides that he wants to look like Keith Carradine, which is fine. It’s a choice. It’s like saying, hey, make me look like a more wholesome Klaus Kinski. But yeah, eventually he and Kathleen Quinlan fall in love, and decide to get married. Michael Beck takes this extremely well, by which I mean he yells at her and then pretends he was only worried about their financial situation. Oh hey, is that a wall on Michael Beck’s bedroom that’s covered in photos of Kathleen Quinlan? I thought I said don’t worry about it!

Cut to: six years later. Keith Carradine is going by the name Allen Devlin. He’s a super successful real estate agent, he and Kathleen Quinlan are happily married, and they have three kids. Detective Grandpa, meanwhile, has been forced into retirement by the powers that be, definitely because of political reasons and not because he’s a degenerate drunk. But then someone anonymously sends him a newspaper clipping with a picture of Allen Devlin, and he’s like, oh fuuuuuuuuck, I’m off to Washington state to harass some innocent people! He accosts Allen on a crowded elevator and is like, Oh hey, Ed Vincent! And of course Allen is like, um, no, you’ve got the wrong guy. And Detective Grandpa is like, oh no, you’re definitely Ed Vincent, remember, you had a wife and three kids and then they were fucking murdered?! Anyhoo, see ya later! And then he just gets off the elevator and Allen is like, what the hell was that about, some old rummy just called me a killer?!

Detective Grandpa then does what he should’ve done in the first place were he not a whisky-soaked dickhead and shows up at Allen Devlin’s office. He shows Allen a bunch of crime scene photos and Allen is horrified and agrees to prove his innocence however he can. THE VERY NEXT SCENE, they go to the doctors and the doctors are like, hey, look, Allen’s dental records don’t match Ed Vincent’s, so this movie should basically be over now. But Detective Grandpa is like, nah, who needs scientific evidence when you’ve got a sleuth’s intuition and blah blah burp. At this point Michael Beck gets pulled back into the movie, and once again rightfully points out that the movie should be over at this point because scientifically speaking Allen can’t be Ed Vincent, and Detective Grandpa responds by calling Michael Beck a “young hot shot computer type.” Ugh. So Allen hires a private investigator to look into his past before the accident, which goes pretty much nowhere. Kathleen Quinlan starts getting threatening phone calls from someone calling themselves Ed, and addressing her by the dead wife’s first name. Oh, and out of the fucking blue, Mr. Bondage Guy from the box art shows up and starts attacking women around town, and Detective Grandpa is like, oh yeah, forgot to mention this, we had similar attacks out in Ohio, creep in a gimp mask going around rapin’ everybody up in here, but they stopped…AFTER THE VINCENT FAMILY MURDER!!! SPOOOOOOOOKY!!! It’s like, c’mon, you’ve GOT to set this up way before the mid-point of the movie! It’s like getting a sandwich with one too many meats: do you want a serial killer hoagie or a bondage rapist grinder? PICK ONE, BLACKOUT!

So the private eye that Allen hired winds up dead, and the police of course suspect Allen. Allen, meanwhile, is starting to think that Detective Grandpa and Michael Beck are conspiring to set him up, because of course he would think that! This sentient bottle of Captain Morgan and the creepy cop who clearly still loves his wife suddenly start lobbing accusations of murder at him? C’mon, what’s he supposed to think? But then one of the kids finds a gimp mask in the garden shed! Oh noooooo! Kathleen Quinlan is like, gaaaaah maybe you are a murderizer! And brandishes a knife at him, and Allen is like, c’mon, baby, you know me better than that, I have no idea how that super sexy mask got in our garden shed! Look, to prove that I’m not a murderer, I’ll have myself committed, so that the cops can’t arrest me (which is not how that works), and then when the crimes continue, I’ll be exonerated for good! So off to the loony bin he goes, and into the garbage bin this movie goes.

Detective Grandpa gets the DNA results back from the lab on the super sexy gimp mask: no traces of Allen anywhere on the thing. And then a guy gets arrested for attempted rape, and they find a different sexy gimp mask on him! All of a sudden, Michael Beck, who has been calling Detective Grandpa crazy this whole time, is like, this could be a copycat crime, I think Allen is the real bad guy here now because the plot needs me to! Detective Grandpa is like, nah, your man confessed, there’s no real evidence to tie Allen to any of this, I was wrong, I’m going back to my elderly bachelor’s apartment in Ohio, but before I do that, can I use your bathroom? Michael Beck is like, sure, no problem, just ignore my wall festooned with pictures of Allen’s wife, if you could. But whoops, he doesn’t, and Detective Grandpa is like, holy shit, you set this whole thing up because you wanna go back to boning Kathleen Quinlan, you sent me that newspaper clipping, didn’t you? And Michael Beck, toilet clown that he is, tries to have it both ways, and is like, ok fine, I sent you the newspaper clipping, but I did it because I really thought he may be the guy you’re after, not because of this obvious romantic vendetta of mine! Psssssssh. So then Detective Grandpa is like, did you make those phone calls and plant the gimp mask too? To which Michael Beck is like, how dare you, I may have sent you a newspaper clipping in the hope of getting my unrequited love’s new husband accused of murder, but I’d NEVER plant evidence! Get off your fucking high horse, Beck, and just admit that you’re a creep, yeeeeaaaaaah.

To his credit, Detective Grandpa stops by to see Kathleen Quinlan, and is like, hey, I fucked up, your husband is definitely innocent, and Michael Beck definitely set this whole thing in motion because he’s still in love with you. Which comes as a huge shock to Kathleen Quinlan, and I hate when movies do this, because women are fucking smarter than this. Men in general, but especially creepy men, are terrible at hiding their unrequited feelings, and women definitely know, they just choose to ignore it. Whatever. So Kathleen Quinlan goes to see Allen and is like, I know you’re innocent now, I just want you back, and he’s like, ok, you’re right, it’s time for me to come back to my family, but oooooh boy am I mad at Detective Grandpa and Michael Beck! Anyway, I should be home just in time for…OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! SPOOOOOOOOOOKY!!!

Michael Beck, because he’s awesome at ideas, decides to show Kathleen Quinlan that he’s not a creep by accosting her in the Safeway parking lot. Smooth move, Xanadu. He’s like, look, I know that I made a few oopsies, but I still think that your husband is a murderer, and you and your family are in danger. So finally Kathleen Quinlan just unloads on him. She’s like, you’re a manipulative jerk, that’s why I didn’t want to marry you, and that’s why we’re in this situation now, and you need to fucking nut up and get over this childish crush you have on me, and while you’re at it stay away from me and my family, I never want to see you ever again. So Michael Beck totally respects these wishes and…nope, nope, sorry, he parks his car across from the house and goes and stalks them. To make sure they’re “safe.” Fuck offfffffffff, dude.

So the kids are celebrating the youngest’s birthday, they’re decorating the house and blaring the rock n’ roll radio (let’s go!). Kathleen Quinlan asks one of the kids to go close the garage door, but he’s like, nah, I’m on the phone with the radio station so that they’ll give little fuckin’ Mikey or whatever his name is a shoutout on the air! So Kathleen Quinlan goes herself to take care of the garage door, but the lights aren’t working, so she grabs a flashlight, and then, OH CRIPES IT’S MR. BONDAGE GUY!!! She fights him off and manages to knock him out. Meanwhile, Detective Grandpa has stopped for gas, when he hears the birthday dedication to little fuckin’ Mikey or whatever his name is on the radio and he’s like DEAR GOD!!! So then Kathleen Quinlan is like, I must know! So she pulls off the super sexy gimp mask, and whoopdie fuck, it’s Allen. Great. So he wakes up and starts smacking her around and he’s like blargh bloogh I’m crazy now, I’m Ed Vincent and I think you’re my wife, so everybody’s going to hell tonight! The kids don’t hear any of this, of course, because of that blasted rock n’ roll music! She barricades herself in the car, and oh shit, there’s Michael Beck’s dead body! He starts busting out the windows, she crawls out of the driveway, and he’s about to gank her with an axe, when all of a sudden, Detective Grandpa shows up and puts two between the eyes. RIP Allen Devlin. RIP Ed Vincent. And RIP Blackout.

Mostly this movie is just a deeply frustrating viewing experience. The central premise, an amnesiac accused of murder, is a really smart and fascinating one, because there are so many ways you can run with it: is this guy really a secret cold blooded killer? Is this detective just letting his obsession (and all that liquor) cloud his judgement? Or are they both being manipulated by someone else for their own nefarious means? Unfortunately, the filmmakers decided to go with the most predictable and boring answer, while also taking the most needlessly convoluted route to get there. However, the performances are all good, more or less, and there’s some excellent cinematography, courtesy of Tak Fujimoto, who would go on to do incredible work with Jonathan Demme and others, so at least the movie looks good. Still, you can’t help but lament what a lost opportunity this is from a storytelling perspective. This is exactly the types of movies that should be getting remade: films with interesting plots that failed in execution. Just imagine what someone like Nicolas Winding Refn or David Fincher could do with this story, right?!

I’ll wrap things up with a strange and macabre addendum. Thanks to Nate Phillips, who runs the fantastic online storefront Media Crypt (I own a few of their shirts, and you should too!), for pointing out to me the fact that Blackout inspired a real-life murder! The film premiered on HBO on July 28, 1985. Less than a week later, on August 3, Ed Sherman of Hartford, CT, murdered his pregnant wife, Ellen. Just like in the film, Ed cranked up the air conditioning to slow down decomposition, and throw off the time of death, in an attempt to establish an alibi. During the trial, witnesses claimed to have discussed watching Blackout with Ed the day after it aired, and the film was even shown to the jury by the prosecutor. In the end, Sherman was sentenced to fifty years in prison, but died of a heart attack only four years into his sentence. The case would eventually be covered on an episode of “Forensic Files.” So that just goes to show ya, Scumbags: crime doesn’t pay! Or maybe it would if you pick a better movie than Blackout to base your crime on. I dunno. I don’t really do crimes.

[the-pbd]

3.31.17 | Taipei

Every time one of my Singapore friends learned that I was going to be in Taipei for a few days, they would immediately give me a ton of suggestions for things to do. 90% of these suggestions usually involved eating some kind of street food- which was fine by me. I love street food. I love the idea of not having to commit to sitting down in a restaurant, sifting through too many choices, waiting for forever for my food to come, eating like a dignified human being, and spending too much money on the experience because sometimes I literally. just. want. the food.

So yeah, street food is my jam. I was pumped for Taipei.

I landed on Friday night around 9pm to meet my friend @Cole (shoutout to him for being such a homie and traveling with me again) at Taoyuan International. We took the airport train over to the Taipei MRT and eventually located my mom's friend's place, only after knocking on a few wrong doors (sorry, old guy who lives on the other side of the block) and then finally being rescued by a nice delivery girl who let us use her phone. It was too late and rainy to explore by the time we got there, so we just went to bed to get an early start the next day.

My mom's friend (auntie Martha) lives right next to Taipei National University, so there were a ton of cafes and little restaurants and convenience stores nearby. We were also within walking distance to the Chiang Kai Shek memorial, which is a huge outdoor garden with a beautiful temple in the middle dedicated to Taiwan's first president. We spent most of the morning exploring this area, which was nice because it was early enough to where there weren't that many tourists out and about yet.

After that, we decided to check out what was called the Songshan Cultural Creative park. On the way we stopped at a random food stand and got breakfast. My Chinese is pretty bad (and in Taiwan they use Fan Ti Zi, which is a style of written Chinese that's like cursive but 100 times worse) but we were able to point at the food we wanted and get by.

On the way to the park, we ran into a Hello Kitty cafe (Taiwan was occupied by the Japanese for about 50 years and as a result, they have a ton of authentic Japanese food and vestiges of Japanese culture like Hello Kitty) which had a lot of little desserts that were SO CUTE but also SO EXPENSIVE so we didn't get anything. 

The culture park ended up being a really cool stop. It kind of reminded my of Ponce City Market in Atlanta where there are just a ton of little stores selling bougie homemade products ranging from socks with animal faces on them to delicate jewelry to tiny carved wooden figurines set up in nativity-like scenes. There was also some photography exhibition there shedding light on Taiwan's migrant workers. All in all, a worthy excursion.

We walked from there to the Ximending area, which is basically just Taipei's main shopping district. There was only one thing I was interested in seeing there, which was the famous Modern Toilet restaurant, where all the guests sit on toilet seats and eat out of tiny toilet-shaped bowls (!!!) There's just something about eating green curry out of a toilet-shaped bowl that makes it look like something other than green curry. The food was really good, though, and so was the chocolate ice cream. It was kind of gross, kind of fun, and I'm glad I stopped there but it's not a restaurant I'd be able to eat at every day. 

After that, we took a bus an hour north to the National Palace Museum, which houses one of the greatest collections of Chinese art. I have to admit, I'm not as huge a fan of Chinese art as I am of European art, but there's something to be said of the painstaking process it takes to create a scroll with immaculate watercolors and then write in beautiful calligraphy an accompanying poem on top. A lot of poems are interpreted by their brushstrokes (where the poet chose to emphasize certain words or how they chose to paint certain lines within a character) and that in itself was a kind of art- painting and literature all in one. It was pretty cool.

Shilin Night Market, Taipei's largest and most famous night market, is very close to the National Palace Museum, so naturally it was our final stop of the day. We got dropped off at the southern end and walked north. As we imagined, the streets were packed full of people queuing for stalls that offered everything from candied tomatoes to noodles to bubble tea to crepes to sausages to dumplings to lots of other foods that I didn't recognize. The first thing we ate was a freshly baked pancake/scone thing. After that we had some pigeon eggs on a stick. We then moved onto a huge savory crepe, and then finally splurged on octopus, fried in dough, covered in cheese, with soy sauce, hot sauce, and wasabi drizzled on top. It was wild and extra but so, so good.

After that we didn't have the capacity to do anything else. We made it home and fell asleep in a great food-induced coma.

The second day, we woke up and met my auntie Martha for lunch at Tim Ho Wan, which is a dim sum place (Hong Kong food instead of Taiwanese, but delicious nonetheless). One of my favorite dim sum items is sesame mochi balls. Usually they're filled with red bean paste but at Tim Ho Wan they were filled with liu sha (drool) which is basically this beautiful, golden, sweet, custard-y egg yolk filling. In retrospect, I probably should've ordered like 10 plates of those and just nothing else but I guess I'll know for next time.

After that big brunch, Cole and I made our way over to Elephant Mountain where there was a hiking trail that led up to a great view of the Taipei 101 tower. The day before had been kind of overcast but that day was absolutely beautiful, sunny and 75 with clear blue skies and a nice breeze. After so long in the sweltering humidity of Singapore, Taipei's weather was a welcome relief. The hike itself was short but steep. We camped out on some large boulders and admired the view for a while, then decided to walk to the tower to see if we could afford tickets to the observation deck (spoiler alert: we couldn't).

We walked around the downtown area after that, ran into a pet convention (so many little doggies!) saw another Cultural Creative park (this one was outdoors, with little stalls set up kind of like a night market), and then spent some time in Eslite bookstore, which was voted the #1 bookstore in Asia on account of its size and the fact that it's open 24 hours. Then, we made our way back to the south part of the city to eat some beef noodle soup (super hearty and filling) and xiao long bao, which are soup-filled dumplings. 

For dessert, we waited in line for bubble tea (invented in Taiwan!) which was SO GOOD. I know I've said that about everything I've eaten here but as a self-proclaimed connoisseur of bubble tea I have to say that the boba I had in this tea was probably the best boba I've had in my life, hands down. They were soft and chewy and super fresh and sweetened with brown sugar and other syrups that altogether made some damn good boba. I was a fan. We were close by to two night markets (Shida and Gongguan) so we strolled around those for a while. Shida had a lot more clothes and Gongguan seemed to sell a lot more fruit than Shilin. Both were less crowded so it was really nice to just walk around and check out what the vendors were selling and not get accosted by crazy tourists and hungry mobs. It was a great way to end the weekend.

I think the thing I liked the most about Taipei was the atmosphere- even though it's definitely much more urban than Singapore is, with huge skyscrapers everywhere and a bustling financial district, it still has a great, laid-back vibe to it. The people all seemed really nice. In lieu of bars, they have an incredible array of cafes, some of which are uniquely themed and all of which seem worthy of checking out. I was really surprised by how many little coffee shops there were, given that Asia is kind of big on tea, but despite the Western influences there were still a lot of traditional aspects imbued into everyday life. According to my coworker, "Taiwan is the only place I’ll keep coming back to.”

(*Side note: I talked to my friends and apparently I DID TAIWAN ALL WRONG by wasting an entire precious meal on dim sum because it's not authentically Taiwanese. Also, apparently I forgot to try a bunch of foods like oyster omelettes and some beef rice dish and also sweet soymilk with fried Chinese doughnuts so OKAY I GET IT it seems like I need to go back to do eat those things. Whatever, it was an awesome vacation and even better eating extravaganza nonetheless).