#hollister…..is losing their mind.

[spacecowboy-01]

But guys

I what if im just a demigirl

Either that or im just a feminine-aligned enby

idk whAT I AM ANYMORE-

[weirdbraincustard]

Have you got a good piece of advice on how to stop getting triggered by negative signs. I want to ignore them, but they are so in my face in particular when I am affirming that it makes me spiralling and sick to the stomach. Many thanks x

a huge chunk of the #loa culture teaches people to be positive 24/7 or "flip" the negative thoughts. but it's not humane to deny feeling what you actually feel in the moment.

it is important to address the physical triggers that a negative thought causes. if a thought or a feeling makes you anxious, uneasy & sick to your stomach - you need to take care of it first, soothe your body, feel your feelings, cry it out, talk to a friend, take a nap or get a snack. you cannot treat your body like a machine. since your mind and body are so deeply connected, it is important to take care of one another to take care of both hollistically. you can let physical triggers pass without it having any impact on your manifestation. your human experience of feeling has nothing to do with your experience of creating your reality with your assumptions. assume that regardless of what you feel, you always manifest your desires.

it is also very important to go to the root cause of why a negative thought triggers a certain physical reaction in you. is it a past pattern? is it doubt in the law? is it feelings of unworthiness? you have to find it and you have to show yourself compassion. more often than not, it isn't a fear about how things may unfold negatively - it is about how that would make you feel about yourself.

you have to face that fear. even in the state of failure, wreck & mess — tell yourself, "so what? i am still worthy. i am still deserving despite everything. what i face doesn't change what i truly deserve."

you need to FACE WHAT YOU FEAR from losing this manifestation. consider that the mere possibility of not having manifestation makes you feel unbalanced, agitated and spiralled. if you constantly just focus on "flipping the thought" & do not acknowledge the issue that makes you feel this way, you may end up feeling like you're gaslighting yourself. it is important to separate yourself from your manifestations in a way that they don't become the sole source of your self concept.

giving an example: lots of people ponder upon the question - "i am afraid what if i don't get my sp?"

yeah, so what? what would happen if you don't get your SP? how would that make you feel?rejected? hurt? alone? unworthy?

it is important to remember that you do not have to give anyone else more power on your mind than yourself. you are still a bad bitch, with or without your manifestation. you are still a catch. you are brilliant, kind & funny. someone else doesn't and will never define how worthy/deserving you are & how truly precious your love & energy is. give nobody the chance to make you feel lesser than the god/goddess you are.

you need to acknowledge that you would still be worthy despite having or losing the manifestation. working on solidifying your self worth & self concept as independent from what you're manifesting is the best way to feel grounded when negative circumstances show up.

taken from Corri T on YouTube, what i like to say to myself when something negative happens - "things change" - there's comfort in knowing that things will not and have never been the same all the time. everything is moving and this uneasiness will go away, these negative signs will go away, i do not have to feel powerless in the face of fear. these small signs hold no meaning or significance to me in front of how beautiful my end goal, my true manifestation is.

see the bigger picture and assure yourself that you're allowed to feel things out and that things change. they always will. keep assuming that even the most unexpected bridge of events may lead you to your desire.

[caendtowntrash]

This new part of the Eden arc is probably the most entertaining bar none for me in that it inspires me to draw dumb crap. Character is about to lose a hand? He's now coping by taking on a pirate persona and going all in as a consequence of the stress snapping his mind like a pretzel stick. Maybe I'll draw a Greyhook versus Hollister image sometime.

[freedomfireflies]

Not me finding out through your latest update that Spencer’s is a sex toy store I’ve been walking past that store in the mall for damn near my whole life and literally thought they just sold goth/emo clothes, just thinking about all the kids from my high school that loved to shop there got me like 😳, because my corny virgin ass was raiding aeropostal and hollister?

BAHAHAAH listen there is nothing wrong with that, those stores SLAPPED and they still do!!

No same, I didn’t know for a while until my friend was like “wanna check this out 🤪” just to watch me lose my mind and…it worked

Spencers is great, we love Spencers!! They’re the adult Hot Topic!! Very fun and fresh!!

[cloud77sposts]

Reminiscence

I miss days I’ve never lived. I remember being a teen in the 2010’s, I remember feeling insecure in my body and mind, I remember feeling bad and sad and just so lonely in my own little world, I was trapped in a body that did not belong to me, I was condemned and obliged to live life through other teens. I sat there observing them fall in love, have crushes, have their first kisses, go to the beach, immortalise moments I'd never be able to live simply because I had robbed myself off of the opportunity to live a comfortable life. I kept eating and eating, covering my arms because they were far too big, I couldn't wear cute shorts, crop tops and cute underwear like the other girls my age, I couldn't shop at Hollister, Victoria's secret, Topshop and American apparel like the other girls. I did not even think losing weight was an option so I just ate my feelings away and became more and more recluse. I robbed myself off, for years, I sought comfort in food. I got over it at some point, years later, I finally managed to break the cycle, I feel good today but I keep getting a call, a call from my best self, she says something better awaits on the side she's on. She says I will look so much better if I get thinner, she keeps saying I have to experience a great summer, a summer of love, a fashionable summer. She says all I need is to focus for 2 months , 60 days. She sounds optimistic, she's not bullying me into this, she seems to want the best for me, she says my shape is to die for, she wants me to be smaller, to go from a size 10 to a small size 8, she wants me to work out reasonably and sleep enough and drink plenty of fluids. I am going to listen to her, stick to her plan and see it through because I deserve to feel good, I deserve to feel and look beautiful and confident, I too deserve happiness, I want to wear crop tops and cute shorts, beautiful flower dresses, I told her I can do that now but she says it will be so much better with 30lbs less, she's probably right.

[tootster]

Why Do You Think You’re Ugly?

     When my partner gives me a compliment, I have to turn away awkwardly and laugh it off. I deny it or try to give him a compliment to take the attention away from myself because I simply don’t believe it. We’ve been together for nearly 4 years and he doesn’t understand why I feel this way about myself. I don’t think a lot of people understand where it comes from or they believe this is something recent that can be pinpointed. However, it’s not and only I know that. Therefore, I decided to write out the origin of my self-hatred. This isn’t to trigger anyone, it’s just a way for me to release it all. 

At age 11, my mom told me I wasn’t allowed to drink the 2% milk in the fridge anymore. I didn’t understand, my brothers could drink it so why couldn’t I? My mom told me that my brothers were “smaller” than me and I “didn’t need the extra fat”. 

At age 12, my best friend at the time tucked in her uniform shirt to reveal her perfectly thin, long, curvy-feminine figure. When I tucked in my shirt and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like a rectangle. I didn’t think I was fat but I knew my body wasn’t pretty or delicate like hers or my other classmates. 

At age 13, I was invited to a pool party and all of my friends were wearing skimpy bikinis except for me. When I asked my mom to buy me a bikini, she told me that I put on weight in my tummy and didn’t have the body to pull it off.

At age 14, my brothers and I went to Hollister to buy clothes for school. My brothers left the store with bags stuffed full of t-shirts and jeans while all I could buy was a bottle of perfume because I was too big to fit into their clothes. 

At age 17, I wanted to go to prom so badly because I was never asked out on a date or to a dance and I so badly wanted to experience it. My mom took me dress shopping to find the perfect gown for me. I was forced to look in the plus-size section because my broad shoulders and big boobs made it impossible to zip up any of the normal sized gowns. 

At age 18, I was in college watching my teammates flirt with guys at the bar while I was asked to just take their pictures instead. The guys went after my petite, delicate, feminine-looking teammates that could pull off skimpy dresses and skirts. I wanted to dress like them but I didn’t own those clothes nor could fit in them and pull them off the same as my teammates. 

At age 19, I went through pictures of my mom, aunts, and grandma to try to find someone that looked like me. They were all thin and delicate while I looked big, chubby, and manly. No one had my body. 

At age 20, a guy friend of mine told me that my roommate was a 9/10 on the hotness scale. When I asked him what I would be ranked, he said “you’re a 5 maybe a 6 at best”. I had another friend tell me that I needed to hit the squat rack because my bum was too small despite the fact that I was already lifting/squatting 4 times a week. 

At age 21, my coach told me I was the most unathletic athlete she had ever seen and that I needed to “cut out the bacon” and work out more. I was forced to do extra workouts and work with a nutritionist to try to lose weight. 

At age 22, my strength coach fat shamed me in front of my entire team. My senior season, we ordered new uniforms for game day. My boobs were so big that I was forced to wear a larger jersey which made me look even bigger than I was. My teammates wouldn’t let me wear the size medium pants so I was stuck with the size large that sagged off my legs and made it look like I had no bum. My body was photographed and shown on national television and I hated every minute of it. 

At age 23, I tried to go on dates but the guys only wanted to be friends. I would find out months later that they were dating a girl that was smaller and more feminine looking than me. 

A year later I met the love of my life and I think he’s the most wonderful man in the entire world. I love him just as he is and would do anything for him. He loves me for me but in the back of my mind, I fear that he’ll drop me because I’m not pretty enough. I know I’m not overweight or ugly but when you go through most of your life being told that your body is flawed and not good enough, it’s difficult to know what to believe. 

[liftcutie]

DNA: a basic guide

there’s been a lot of new/returning activity in the community, and though i’m somewhat new to DNAing myself, i thought i’d make a very basic overview, since i’ve seen a lot of lifters asking questions about it.

feel free to reblog with additions/your own experiences!

MASSIVE DISCLAIMER:

i am not the authority on anything i’m about to write. i’m a stranger on the internet! as you should with all posts on liftblr, take what i’m about to say with a relative grain of salt, and do your own research and risk assessment.

what does “DNA” mean?

“DNA” stands for “did not arrive.” it’s used as shorthand to describe a common type of online refund fraud.

how does it work/how do i do it?

there’s no special process. it’s relatively simple:

the customer places a legitimate online order for their target item/items. however, when the package arrives, the customer then contacts customer service and claims the parcel didn’t show up in order to receive a fraudulent refund.

unlike shoplifting, with DNAs, a legitimate purchase has to occur in order for the scam to take place.

what are the consequences if i get caught?

this is very important: DNAing, no matter how small the amount, is a type of fraud. based on where you live, the legal penalties for getting caught will vary—it can be difficult to find information online, but i would encourage you to do as much research as possible.

however, even if companies don’t take legal action, refund scamming can result in your account(s) or address being blacklisted from certain online stores. i’ve heard certain companies (amazon) will even ban IPs (which basically means they ban your whole computer, rather than just an account on it). i’ve also heard UPS and other mail carriers can/do ban the addresses of repeat offenders if a suspicious amount of investigations (see below) have been filed.

i personally haven’t heard of anyone experiencing trouble from their bank’s end, but i would stay vigilant nonetheless.

other important terminology

EB: this stands for “empty box.” it’s a variant of DNAing where, instead of claiming the parcel didn’t arrive, you claim the box itself came empty.

partial DNA: partial DNA is when you claim only a portion of your order didn’t arrive. for example, you might say you received a dress you ordered, but were missing a shirt or a pair of shoes—the company then refunds you for only the “missing” items.

investigation: an investigation occurs when the company files a report with the carrier regarding the missing package. this can take days to weeks to process. from what i understand, most of these investigations are either protocol or purely meant to scare you off, and most of the time go absolutely nowhere.

how long should i wait after my order is placed/delivered to contact customer service?

it depends. many people suggest waiting longer so the company is less likely to conduct an investigation (it’s virtually useless after a certain point). however, i’ve also had some successes doing it the day of delivery; use your best judgement.

what do i say to customer service?

act natural! put yourself in the mindset of someone whose order has genuinely failed to show up. be disappointed but polite, and above all firm in what you want. many DNAs are as simple as:

YOU: hello, i placed an order on your site about a week and a half ago. i got an email saying my package was delivered, but i didn’t receive my order.

CS: i’m sorry to hear that. let me check on that for you... i can offer you a reshipment or a refund. which would you prefer?

YOU: a refund, please.

a common mistake is over-explanation. don’t offer more than what customer service asks—an innocent person likely wouldn’t.

i’m not going to go in-depth with methods or “what-ifs” on this post, but there are plenty of great tips on liftblr and reddit. however, if you end up facing suspicion, you will need the ability to stick to a believable story if you want your money back.

what stores can i DNA?

there are lots of stores you can (relatively) safely DNA, with varying degrees of difficulty. from what i’ve read and my own experiences, most people agree that:

shein/romwe*

glossier

lush

hollister

abercrombie

victoria’s secret

are easy places to start and build your confidence. if you’re curious about a certain store, ask around! lots of people are willing to share their experiences. or check out my new blog—@dna-stories!

*shein and romwe will always open an investigation to try and scare you off—however, i have literally never heard of one of these investigations going anywhere. don’t let it intimidate you!

ANOTHER HUGE DISCLAIMER:

just like shoplifting, it’s important to keep greed and recklessness in check. there’s always a risk with DNAing; be smart, and never spend what you can’t afford to lose. if you need that $600 for rent, don’t blow it on bathing suits and bank on your refund—there’s always a chance you won’t get your money back, and you don’t want to accidentally put yourself in a bad position.

where can i find more tips?

reddit has a lot of good information, particularly about amazon, though be mindful of the age of certain threads; some things are bound to outdated. this is a master list of store information i’ve referred to before (but again, take everything with a grain of salt)!

there are also a ton of lifters who post helpful tips on here. i’ve been referring to @heavenlylifter, @urfavoritelifter and @fairylift’s blogs a lot—and many others, too!

i hope this post serves as a helpful intro to DNAing!

stay safe, and happy scamming!

[plutoswrath]

Hiii ☺️ could you please interpret Neptune in exact conjunction to mercury in synastry? thank you💛

Hello!

✰ Neptune conjunct Mercury in Synastry ✰

☆ When Neptune and Mercury touch, there is potential for Neptune to expand Mercury's mind creatively as well as spiritually, the Neptune person can feed Mercury and be their source of inspiration and hope, but likewise, Neptune is on a plane of feelings and receptivness, while Mercury wants more direct interaction

☆and here comes the problem: misunderstandings and miscommunication. Neptune can be pretty unspecific or (unintentionally) secretive and thus confusing with it's intentions, arguments, and so Mercury's mind runs miles trying to find out what they mean, the part of the quality of communications can be highly dependent on Mercury's perception and interpretation of Neptune

☆ Communication can also depend on intuition

☆ both should pay attention to value honesty and transparence in their communication

☆ despite that though, the aspect can bring lots of understanding and empathy from Neptunes side, which can heal any wounds regarding Mercury's intellect, Neptune can also introduce Mercury to hollistic and spiritual views on problems or certain topics, Neptune can also show a lot of appreciation for the Mercury person's brilliance, however, they can crave (an unspoken) desire to be appreciated for their ideas and perspectives as well

☆ can also add a touch of hope and romanticism to the Mercury person's mind

☆ however, both can be too much in their heads, losing focus of the obligations and facts around them, because together, they can merge the meaning of the world to their likings, a bit more softer and rosier, a bit more comfortable than it sometimes actually is

[ginjointsintheworld]

You said Fuentes seemed less evil and I totally agree with you. It's as if Max antagonizing her made her more ruthless.

And I'm thinking if he'd resigned earlier, maybe those 148 people would still have their jobs. Because I'm thinking the $2million he spent on Helen's ex's surgery was quite reckless, I know he's doing good but still...

I think Fuentes at her core is not malicious without cause and it's why I felt even if Lauren didn't make that second donation she wouldn't have told Leyla. She's all about the bottom line. Every move is calculated. Telling Leyla gives her nothing. She only said it because she knows Lauren loves Leyla so much( because c'mon Lauren surely couldn't hide this). She'd do anything.

I don't think she's completely unreasonable too, just play her at her games and don't antagonize her unnecessarily.

oh if max hadn't intervened, she definitely would have been content laying off 48 vs 148. as long as the same dollar value is saved from the budget. max ran the hospital at an $84 million deficit and while $2M may seem small in comparison, at one point in s2, $2M was the number he had to save that would determine whether or not he could make payroll. it's not cheap running a hospital and man was going around spending money left and right that the hospital didn't have lol. it's honestly one of the things i hated about his last 6 weeks. cause yeah, yes day is fun in theory until you realize that all those new equipment and programs mean nothing in the end if it bankrupts the hospital and forces it to close it's doors. i think the only thing he did that didn't cost NA more money is establish their own ambulance fleet. no wonder fuentes went kill bill evil dealing with him lmaoo.

i don't think she's intentionally malicious evil. if it doesn't help the bottom line then she can't be bothered wasting her time on it. so i 100% agree that had lauren refused to pay, fuentes wouldn't have told leyla. what good would that do besides stir personal drama and lose her a resident who's basically cheap, underpaid labor? it was a no lose move. if lauren took the bait, great another $90k, if not, eh move on cause what's she gonna do? out fuentes and in turn out herself? it's funny, i saw some people complaining 'why would fuentes fire all those people just to spend the money hiring the hollistic doctor,' when a) the 148 getting laid off was to balance the budget and b) she cut further cut funding from various departments to fund castries who's going to make her money. she never makes a move that blindly spends money. which to your point, is also why she's not completely unreasonable. if she was, she would have shot down max's ambulance idea just because it was his idea but it made money so she shrugged and said okay let's do that.

that being said, fuentes' system is also doomed for failure just like max's was but in the moral sense vs practical sense. so of course she'll have to be "defeated" eventually but in the meantime i don't mind her as a villain like so many people seem to.

[astralwaifu]

hey there congrats on 50 followers!! here’s my submission for your match up event, jjk please!

big three: sun in sag, moon in capricorn, and ascendant in leo

hobbies/passions: musical theatre (LOVE hadestown), singing in general, kpop (dreamcatcher is my ult group), volleyball, video games (i used to be a BIG valorant gamer but i’m literally bronze so i suck)

i’m known in my friend group as the funny one (at least i think i am) and i really take pride in being able to take care of my friends and family. i have a twin sister who i am a minute older than, however i do take up more of a maternal role when it comes to her because we have quite the gap in maturity. i tend to be very energetic and loud, and i also have adhd so i can definitely get overwhelmed and struggle with school a lot.

i have black hair with hot pink highlights (the entire bottom of my hair is basically pink) and i have pretty tan skin, it borders on brown. i’m also 5’4. my fashion style is pretty simple, i wear like the same two jeans (one black one blue) everyday and i just change tops, usually from brandy melville, hollister, or american eagle.

sorry for the long ask by the way, thanks so much <3

Hi! I just have to say this: I love how you dyed your hair and I also might just steal your idea but change colours in the future 👀

I match you up with…

Gojo Satoru!

Hc:

- Gojo is the type to never settle - it’s not only his job’s fault, but it’s also part of his demeanour and personality. He never sees himself as someone that depends on others, it’s the other way around. However, the thought that he could spend his life with you creeps in his mind more often than he wants to.

- You’re funny and that attracts him a lot : witty and humorous in a clever way. The perfect match he could have ever dreamed of. Wait ‘til he finds out about your caring and motherly side. He will be glued to you like a fly to honey.

- Becomes like your shadow. Not that he wants to be a burden and purposely annoy you god how could he ever do that? He has no friends. You’re all he has and he doesn’t plan to let you go away from him. As in never.

- Therefore, whatever you do, he tries too. And it’s so painfully irritating that he succeeds in everything. Volleyball? He’s a mountain, no one can spike through his block (idk if those are the correct terms, but you get it). Gaming? He ordered matching headsets with cat ears - he thinks they are cute and wants to see you in them all the time. Would try to lose intentionally after the first two rounds, so he could see your smirk and happy form. Singing? Yeah, he better listens to you, there he can’t do much since he is always off key.

- When you said you liked musical theatre, he was a bit hesitant. After a week he knew the Mamma Mia soundtrack by heart. Why Mamma Mia though? He doesn’t know either, but the ABBA songs are way to catchy. Megumi is annoyed by Gojo’s new obsession, but you honestly love it when he takes you dancing to Why Did It Have to Be Me (YES I’M TALKING ABOUT THE CUTE TIKTOK COUPLE DANCE)

- Did I mention this man is a mountain? He literally towers over you and at this point he is your personal sun umbrella.

- Loves your hair, could play with it and braid it all day. Gojo us just mesmerised by the way you mixed the two colours and created a whole masterpiece. (Lowkey wants to convince you to dye it white and blue in a similar way, so everyone knows you’re with him)

- After a long day, all he wants to do is cuddle you and lay his head on your lap. Here he isn’t ‘The Strongest’ anymore, he is just a man enjoying the feeling of love.

bonus song that reminds me of you two: literally the entire Abba soundtrack - this man is obsessed to the point he randomly turns up a song around the house and sings to you, always with passion, but never on the tune.

[trashbaggage]

alright, so, modern au where monsters are still kickin so witchers are still a Thing

and geralt takes a contract for some weird shit going down at the local mall. outwardly he’s all “ugh, the mall, why must it be at this teenage watering hole have i not suffered enough?” but he’s also def gonna get a wetzels pretzel when he’s done. so he goes down to the mall, and deals with the problem, which is unimportant to this story, let’s just say it’s the wraith of paisleigh who died of suffocation in the perfume-soaked hollister changing rooms and is now haunting the place because she’s pissed she can’t go to prom with ashton or smth

so he deals with her, but in the process he gets roughed up and bloody, covered in who knows what and shattered glass when he was thrown into the windows of the hot topic across the way and his shirt is basically like tos kirk’s in that it was ripped to shit early on with barely any effort. seriously, it’s mostly gone at this point, so he brushes off the remnants of it and just picks a random shirt off the hot topic wall and shrugs it on and goes. on his way to the food court for his well deserved pretzel, he runs into jask coming out of h&m, and he’s already got a smoothie which he promptly chokes on when he sees the random shirt geralt threw on which is:

it’s glorious. jaskier loses his mind for twenty straight minutes. geralt is concerned about the wheezing, but not enough to distract from mission: pretzel. when jask finally catches up to him, he takes a pic for the instagram he made for geralt (@Geraltthehmmmbo) and it blows up. jask calls him a furry for a month and makes a mental note to buy him more crop tops

[flirting-with-psychology]

I hate forward text messages, so you should already know that I will hate forward picture mail also. It seriously amazes me how stupid some people are. My new year’s was pretty much ruined because of someone who was being a complete asshole. (a whole country being assholes about masks) I really don’t like when people I’m close with have birthdays close together or near holidays..it gives me no chance to try and save money. For once, I actually don’t like anyone right now. I’m not really good for relationships, and I don’t really want one at all right now. When I’m listening to music I don’t always sing along with it out loud. I seriously could use a break from everything around me. Some qualities that I know I have, when I see it in someone I’m around it will completely piss me off. There is someone i really want to see right now.

I’ve recently had a conversation with someone who tends to talk a lot. ^ That or I just don’t talk a lot. I will ignore someone once they get me upset. I blush really easily. The sound of someone popping a balloon bothers me. I swear I will go deaf before my time is up. I listen to my iPod when I’m in the shower always. Sometimes when I start thinking back to situations of my past the emotions I felt then will come flooding back to me. I get along with more people on my mom’s side of the family rather than my dad. I seriously don’t think Megan Fox is that pretty or that talented…sorry. I have changed into a few different outfits before making up what I actually wanna wear for that day. I own some really short shorts. I’ve been too shy to tell a guy I liked him or even tried going for him more than one time. I was outshined by one of my sisters a lot growing up. In one relationship I was in we were the definition of opposites attracting. I find it funny that people will turn to if something is ‘facebook official’ for clarification on things like relationships. I don’t get why parents who have twins insist on having their names sound similar or start with the same letter. I think southern accents are too cute. I’m not, and never will be, that person who writes everything on a calendar or makes lists for everything. A lot of people come to me, because they know I’ll help and that I’m not gonna say shit. It bugs me a lot when people always have to make something about them. Always. Learn how to take a fucking hint, please. Recently I’ve been running into a lot of people from school, and it’s really weird. My mom uses coupons when she does grocery shopping, all the time. I don’t see the need to always be talking in a conversation, I don’t mind silence. I don’t care for the stores at all, but i think hollister and abercrombie is really hot on a guy. I will laugh at any guy who wears skinny jeans, please leave that for girls. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get along with my siblings if they weren’t in my family. It takes a lot for me to get out of a bad mood once I’m in one. ^ But when it comes to me being happy it takes little to nothing to ruin that for me. Don’t sit there and try to add your opinion to something when you’ve never tried to know all about it. People love to mess with me because apparently my reaction to things is amusing. I’d rather drink and have a good buzz feelin’ good, then be completely wasted making a complete ass of myself. More than one person in my family is a legit alcoholic. I joke around a lot, and for some reason there’s a lot of people who take it too serious and get their feelings hurt. I myself can never tell when someone is being serious or whether they’re joking. Most of the time when i say lol or just haha i’m not really laughing, when i am i’ll say lmfao or lmao. I don’t understand why people text with complete grammar and don’t short hand anything. I’m really good at writing. ^ A lot of people here know that about me, and assume I’ll get a career with it. I’m scared to death about losing my best friend. If you hurt my feelings, as bad as it is, I will not give a fuck about how bad I hurt yours in return. I have a niece, who means the world to me. I’ve become a lot closer to some people in my life. For some reason my parents torture me with having some extremely embarrassing pictures of me when i was a kid. I’m really oblivious to things. I’ve told a story or a joke, and i myself ended up being the only person cracking up about it. I’m terrified of growing old and losing my memory…I don’t wanna forget anything. ^ I’m also really scared of everyone who matters passing away and me ending up completely alone. I’m really tired of being screwed over by people. I have a reputation to people around here, but it isn’t me at all. ^ But I don’t really care about that, the ones that mean something know the truth. Looks can only get you so far, for me personality means a whole lot more. Shallow people really bother me a lot. Trust me when I say to leave me the fuck alone, cause you won’t like what I have to say to you. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’m nothing like my friends. I don’t really open up to a lot of people, but my best friend knows more than anyone else in the world about me. There’s someone that I really want to just go off on. I don’t know how to help someone who cries around me, it makes me feel like shit too. I’m constantly messing up my sleeping schedule. I don’t count middle school dating as real relationships, i almost don’t count 9th or 10th grade ones either. ^That being cause in my opinion you don’t really know yourself, and you’re not that mature..well most people. A lot of people who pass judgment on me are usually always wrong. ^ But I’m not gonna waste my time to try and convince you otherwise. Nothing pisses me off worse than when someone is wasting my time.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Don’t you just love the smell of Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch? I actually did used to like it. 

When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? I back away somewhat quickly, but try not to make a big show of it because I know it’s advised to be calm, but I see a bee and I freak. 

Are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit? Absolutely, so I don’t wear one. 

Do you make reminders for important things you need to remember? Yeah, I make great use of the calendar, notes, and reminder apps on my phone.

If you had to play one sport for a living, what would it be? Gah, that would not work for me. I’m not athletic at all and I have zero interest in sports.

Was the last person you texted single? No, he’s with my mom.

Do you get jealous easily? No. I haven’t felt jealous in a long time.  What are you currently waiting for? Nothing at the moment.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future? I dwell in the past too much and I’m always stressing and worrying about present stuff. 

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? No.

Who were the last people you saw besides family? Other patients at my doctor’s office, the receptionist, the nurses, and my doctor.

Which of your friends lives closest to you? No friends.

How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper? I like it.

Do you ever work out? No. I should be lifting a light weight at least everyday. My upper body strength is so bad now.

Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis? I’ve never been to a tanning salon and have no interest in doing so.

Does your bedroom need cleaning? I need to organize some stuff and put some things away.

Vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla.

Pretty Woman or Sixteen Candles? Sixteen Candles.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? My dad and brother.

Are you comfortable with your height? I wish I was a little taller. 

Anything on your walls? Yeah, a few giraffe paintings, a a couple beach ones, a couple calendars, a bulletin board, a marker board, and a huge Swedish flag.

What do you bite more, your tongue, lip, or cheek? I’m constantly biting and picking at my lips. :/

What was the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

Do you have a box where you keep all your important things? I have boxes and drawers with stuff like that. 

How many times have you dyed your hair? Numerous times since I was 13.

Are any of your friends taller than you? Everyone is taller than me except for small children. 

Ever liked someone whose name started with a B? I don’t think so.

Have you ever been on a motorcycle? I’ve ridden on the back of one with my dad when I was a kid.

Do you have feelings for anyone? Not the romantic kind.

Name something great that happened today: It’s only 530AM, nothing much has happened. 

How did you feel when you woke up today? I haven’t gone to bed yet, but I’m willing to bet I’ll wake up feeling like a zombie like I always do.

Do you use Twitter? I do.

What did you have for dinner yesterday? Wingstop.

What kind of position are you in at the moment? I’m sitting on my bed.

Furthest away from home you have ever been? When I went to Atlanta, Georgia.

What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing? I’m wearing blue Adidas leggings. 

When was the last time you drank water? Like an hour ago.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? No.

Do you answer the phones at your job? I don’t have a job.

What’s your ring tone? One of the ones that come with the phone.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? I was doing surveys.

Do you want to fix anything with anyone? Not at this time.

Do you have trust issues? No really. I have a hard time with expressing myself and opening up to others, but it’s not so much a matter of trust.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Are you going to have a good night? My night has been okay.

Have you ever given up on someone and then went back to them? Yes.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? Well no, cause I don’t even go to bed until like 7 or 8AM.

What shows do you watch? I watch a lot of different shows.

What’s wrong with you right now? Just blah as usual.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Absolutely. 

What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? He’s my dad.

Are you looking forward to anything? No.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? My first ex told me I did.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yes.

Does anyone disgust you? Myself.

Did you enjoy your weekend? It’s just starting.

Have you argued with anyone today? No.

Your enemy is at your doorstep begging for forgiveness, what would you do? I don’t have any enemies, thankfully.

Has someone had their arms around you in the past 7 days? To give me a hug, yeah.

Dare you to detail why you kissed the last person you kissed? We just wanted to? I never understand this question.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? One of my biggest fears is my loved ones passing away. Which is obviously inevitable, but still. 

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I don’t remember. My mind wanders off and thinks about random things.

When’s the last time you had a headache? A few days ago.

Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? My mom.

Does anyone call you babe? No.

Is there anything you are craving right now? Not at this moment.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning? I haven’t gone to bed yet, but I always check the time when I first get up.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? I am appreciative of the good things, but there’s so much I’d like to change and I’m unhappy with. 

What were you doing at 7:00 AM? It’s 5:56AM, so I’m sure I’ll still be awake in like an hour. Sigh.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Like 4ish. 

Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? Uhh, countless times. How do you even count that? Not to mention, he was always making me laugh.

How do you feel about your hair right now? I hate it. It needs to be dyed so bad, it could use a trim, and a style would be nice. I don’t do anything with it besides throw it up in a messy bun. 

When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot? Yeah. When I was a kid “best friend” was a term thrown around quite loosely.  

Last thing you touched not computer-related? My phone.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? No.

Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone specific? I’m not listening to music.

Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere? My mom.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? A few weeks ago in the car.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? No.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? A lot.

What’s your favorite thing to think about as you’re falling asleep? I don’t get much say in that.

Is there anything that you want to do, but won’t because you’re too afraid? There’s a lot of things.

Who gets up the earliest in your household? The latest? My dad gets up the earliest. He’s off on the weekends and he still gets up at like 5AM for some reason. The latest is definitely me. 

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No, my doggos have always been too big to do that.

You’re going to your favorite foreign country; what landmarks do you go see? I just want to see everything and really experience Sweden.

What is the longest amount of time that you have spent away from your home? A few months during hospital stays.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional effect on you? No.

What motivates you to go to school? I’m done with school, thankfully. I’ve been so unmotivated and without energy the past few years and I’m glad I finished school before that happened and I sunk into the hole I’ve been stuck in.

Are you more hyper and uptight, or laid back and relaxed? I’m never hyper and I definitely haven’t felt relaxed in a long time. I think to some people I’d appear laid back, but oh boy if they only knew. And honestly what appears be laid is me just feeling... flat. 

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? I don’t know.

How did you pick out your last outfit? I just grabbed whatever.

When buying shoes, what do you look for in the product? For me it’s just about how they look. Comfort isn’t a factor for me as someone who has no feeling in their legs and feet. 

What happened to cause the last mess you made? I let some stuff build up. 

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? I would be right now.

When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? A few years ago for one of my cousins. 

Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think I am.

If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home (usually)? I’m not in school anymore, but I mean for me it depended on how sick I felt. Of course now in the days of COVID you’re advised to stay home if you feel sick at all. Most schools, at least where I am, are all on Zoom now anyway, though.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I don’t feel it ever did anything for me.

What is one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? If I’m sick I usually don’t have much of an appetite, if one at all depending on how sick I am. I don’t eat much, but I’ll try to eat a little at least of something.

Think of the last survey you filled out; did you enjoy it? Sure.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? I did when I was a kid. I didn’t know you shouldn’t do that at the time.

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a 1-2 year old? Yeah, that is weird to think about.

What set the tone for your mood today? It’s 6:22AM and right now I just feel tired.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No, that’s definitely not something I’d want to do.

The name of the last board game that you played? I don’t remember.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? That I would try to go to sleep a little earlier. ha.

Do you remember your D.A.R.E. officer’s name? I actually do.

Someone throws hot coffee on you; how do you react? Uh, wtf? Firstly, I’d react to the HOT coffee that I had thrown at me. That would be excruciatingly painful. I’ve accidentally spilled really hot coffee on myself before so I would know. So yeah, I’d feel the pain and shock from that and then I’d just be like wtf??? I’d be so confused and upset and most of all, furious. 

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I graduated college, I’m doneee.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? A duplex.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Yes, I get comments a lot about how I’m too thin.

Where do you stand when it comes to sexual intercourse? Well, I’m a virgin, so.

Name a show from the 90’s that you miss? I still watch a lot of them to be honest.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? No. I couldn’t anyway even if I wanted to because of my physical disability.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or “different” people? I was and am a disabled person and I’ve had to deal with people staring all my life because I’m in a wheelchair and hear kids ask their parents, “what’s wrong with her?”

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? No.

Do weather patterns sometimes have an effect on your health? The heat definitely does. Ugh, I hate the summer. I do not do well with the heat.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t snow here. :(

How good are you at getting along with other people? I don’t have a problem with getting along with others.

Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Oh yes.

Has anyone ever suggested that you might need “help”? Yes. And I agree. 

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? No one has used a cheesy pickup line on me.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? I’m gonna answer this with takeout because ever since the pandemic hit last year I haven’t gone out to eat anywhere, but I get takeout all the time. Anyway, last night I got Wingstop and my brother realized when he got home they gave him the wrong order, so he had to drive back and it’s like a 15 minute drive there and back on the highway, so it’s not a quick, easy trip. He gets back and I realize they forgot my extra side of the lemon pepper sauce that I like to get, which wasn’t as big of a deal of course, but still annoying. I didn’t say anything about a small thing like that, but I was just annoyed with the whole situation and that I didn’t have that extra side of sauce to dip my wings in. It adds to what makes it good, ya know? I like my ranch and my extra sauce. I would have been even more upset if they forgot the ranch because their ranch is the best.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? I feel a little envious sometimes cause I’d like to experience that. 

Describe a thought that is sticking with you today? My mind is a jumbled mess.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? No one in particular. I’m more occupied with thoughts of things I’m dealing with, things I’m feeling, and things that are going on.

In a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? AC, for sure. Especially during the summer when it’s hot and miserable because rolling the windows down doesn’t do shit.

When was the last time you did anything to your playlist? I added songs to it like a month ago.

Is there a new song or band you’ve discovered? Not recently. I haven’t been listening to music recently.

What teacher gives you the most homework? --

Are you punctual? Yes. I hate being late.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? Uh, no.

Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? I don’t even read it. I don’t believe in astrology.

[segenassefa]

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

[youhadme-at-hella]

I'd thought I'd tell a little story during this quarantine, one that people might relate to, especially black women and girls.

I remember the exact moment in my life where I began to feel self-conscious about my body.

I was in 3rd grade, standing in line in the cafeteria, next to my crush, who at the moment was shorter than me. He pointed to my arms, told me they were hairy.

And I didn't really think much of it at time, I probably laughed it off and attempted to change the subject, but here we are, over a decade later, and I still look at my arms and think about how abnormal they are.

I started to develop at an early age - by 4th grade, I needed trainers because my chest "caused a disturbance" for some.

In 5th grade however, that was truly the turning point. Aware of my hairy arms, my developing body, I was standing in line (again with the lines), going into the classroom for the morning, and I was not only taller, I was bigger. All the children surrounding me were visibly smaller. My mind started spinning in that moment. That's all I could think about.

The teacher was at the front of the classroom, and I was looking around, wondering if any of these kids had started shopping in the juniors section already.

I know there were many factors at this point that were weighing on me, but of course at the time I didn't know what that could be. I didn't know that every time I turned on the Disney Channel and aspired to be a Disney Channel star that I was using the actors on this platform as the example I'd set for myself. I didn't know that the fashion magazines in the check-out lines encouraging me to "lose fat fast" was impacting me as I tagged along with my pops to the grocery store. Some might say "societal pressures" but I know better to characterize it as colonial pressures. Not being able to afford the latest trends, not being able to be white with bone straight hair and that photographic thigh gap.

Entering middle school was an entirely different type of hell. My economic situation became more pronounced to me. My dad's girlfriend at the time (not to put him on blast) had offered me some hand-me downs, which I was really excited about because I thought she had style.

One day at her house, she was giving me the clothes to try on, and one article of clothing after the other wasn't fitting. I was absolutely mortified. This was an adult, albeit a "petite" adult, but that didn't matter to me. My understanding was the grown ups were older, therefore they were bigger (not the best logic, I know now). I broke down in her bathroom. I said things about my body that I had never uttered before. I may have thought about saying those things, but I finally made them real.

She tried to console me as best she could, but there was nothing she could do. I was leaving her house empty handed. That was the greatest reminder.

Clearly all of this did nothing for my self-esteem. Horrible things happened in my mind. I started equating my importance and worth to the amount of attention that boys would give me. I became incredibly fixated on my look, in a really unhealthy way, worried about how I appeared to others 24/7. I would cry sometimes in the bathroom if I couldn't get my hair just right. I would avoid eating lunch in the cafeteria because that meant people would stare as I walked up to the line or threw away my trash. I traveled in crowds to blend in, so no one could point me out. My whole personality was based on feeling "pretty" and starving for people to like me. Because the moment that wasn't the case, I absolutely fell apart.

7th grade was a bad year. I hated school and most places where I was required to be in public. I started having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, sometimes in the bathroom at school. I think I lost a lot of friends because I went into a shell. My family experienced more obvious economic hardships, my uncle was taken to prison, interrupting our entire family dynamic. All of these played roles.

I was very good at hiding a lot of this though. I was a cheerleader, I mostly tried to display a sunny disposition to avoid being questioned. And I'm not saying there weren't things I enjoyed about life. My family was (is) incredible, my core friends made me laugh, I loved cheerleading, in fact, I would get so lost in it. I was the happiest when all I was doing was training, hanging with cheer mates, it was the best distraction. But at this point my life took an extremely dark turn.

In 7th grade I started to starve myself. There was no other way to describe what was wrong with me other than depression. I wasn't even familiar with the concept, but that's what it was. I was so distraught, not just by my appearance, but with everything happening in my life. I ate as little as possible, most of the time just to entertain my parents, who had noticed a significant change in my behavior. I didn't see that I was losing weight. I couldn't see the changes happening to my body. My brain still saw this person at a size I despised, so I continued to torture myself. It wasn't until about three months later, standing in the lobby of McDonald's with my mom, that my charade was over. She turned to me to ask what I'd be having, and I told her I wasn't hungry.

She looked at me sternly and spoke so only I could hear. "Why aren't you eating?" I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm just not that hungry." "I see you. You haven't been eating and now you look sick. You need to eat."

I wanted to break down in the lobby, but I didn't want noses prying into our discussion, so I ordered, picked at my food, then hid bits and pieces inside the wrappers in which they were packaged.

I knew it was wrong of me, but my mom telling me that I was in fact losing weight, made me feel good about myself for the first time in a while.

I got through my first battle with depression and tried to become more positive. When 8th grade came, I vowed that things would be different for me. I started to invest more in fashion, immersing myself with coordinating quirky fun looks on a budget. I didn't realize then that this had all become a coping mechanism.

In my new outfits that I'd put together, I began to feel more confident, like myself, happy with me. It was a much better year by far and these feelings lasted up until about 10th grade.

I had just switched to a majority white school. So my out of the box fashion choices with respect to my developing curves was quickly shot down by the laid back, by the beach Hollister shorts, flip flops and tee.

I was surrounded by girls my age that we tinier than me, once again. I remember these really cute pair of shorts I had designed myself. They were once high rise jeans that I cut up to hot pants, giving it a bit of fringe and sewing some fabric behind the parts that I'd deliberately distressed. I loved these shorts partly because I had designed them myself.

One day I wore them to school and these white girls who sat behind me snickered and whispered, "she is way too big to wear those shorts."

I threw them away when I got home, staring in the garbage bin, fighting everything in me to not retrieve them.

And I started to look at my body intensely again. Fashion was no longer a safe haven because it was now being used as a weapon against me. I had nothing to hide behind. My insecurities would be forced to take center stage in my brain again.

I hated the way I looked, every year I would look at photos from the previous year and say, "man I wish I could go back to that size" not realizing at that time that I hated who I was then too.

This is a long story but I promise I'm getting to the point.

This is hard for me to say, but at this point in my life, I'm the biggest I've ever been. I've done fad diets, tried all kinds of workout regimens, weight fluctuating over the years, to no avail. I eventually grew demoralized, feeling like no matter how hard I try, I lack the patience and discipline to reach my fitness goals.

But it's taken all of this time for me to realize this struggle hasn't been about my health and fitness goals. Up to now I've only had aspirations to "look good to attract positive attention", and I've carried on up to now not being able to look at myself and love what I see at any point of my young life.

I can't recall a time I looked at myself and said, "I'm beautiful, I'm worth it, I love the person that I am, I am happy with what I've accomplished, I am a good person." All this time I've repeatedly called myself all of those things I did that day in the bathroom of by dad's ex-girlfriend. And many more insults that I've learned over the years.

No matter the positive or negative changes my body has gone through, I haven't been able to see them. So to that extent, my goals are impossible to reach. I've never been satisfied with myself, ever.

So what now?

This struggle isn't rooted merely in some superficial beauty standards. How did these standards even get here? And why have I tried all my life to reach them? That question is far more easier to answer.

I just long for the day that I look at myself and say, "I accept you for who you are" just as I have done for others. I long for the day that I can consider my reflection beautiful, just because I think so, and not because of anyone else. I don't know when that day will come. There are moments when things are good, I feel like I'm almost there, only to be crushed by my unresolved reality of dangerously low self-esteem.

This isn't something I wrote for an outpouring of sympathy, a bunch of "you're beautiful just the way you are"'s. It won't make a difference. It's not the antidote. I wrote this because I know there are black women and girls like me, still trying to answer this question, heartbroken by their own reflection.

I will say this, though. I was inspired to write this because today I completed day eleven of a fourteen day workout challenge. For some that's no big deal, for others it won't count until all fourteen days are completed. But for me, it's a huge accomplishment. I have never in my life worked out consecutively for this amount of time. I know it's not long, but for someone who is not physically active or athletic, this is a huge step. I'm doing this thing at my own pace, even though I'm still not quite sure I'm doing it for the right reasons.

I know I'm not, but I'm partly hoping that at some point it will click for me, and I'll work out beyond the fourteen days, because I should have more to live for than just the opinions of others.

Stay tuned.

[toomanysurveys9]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? January 2020. 2. Do you like to party? I really enjoy it a lot less than I used to. I would rather be at home with my babies. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? He’s in prison and I’m married and uninterested... SOOOO I would probably slap him. 4. Are you a virgin? I have two kids. So obviously not.

5. What are your parents views on your relationships? I don’t really know what my dad thinks. My mom goes back and forth. She loves Jacob and knows I love him, but hates the way he treats me a majority of the time.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I’m married. So... there’s that. 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? My mom is married to my dad. Jacob is married to me. And Kayla is back with her youngest’s dad, which is cool. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? Big and dark gray. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I don’t care what other people wear. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that every single day. It’s very rare for me to wear makeup. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself... I hate my teeth and gums. 12. Would people describe you as happy? They might. 13. Are you single? I’m very not single. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Not really. I mean. It gets a bit annoying because it’s a boring question but it’s also whatever. 15. Do you have Tumblr? Obviously.

16. What about Xanga? Nope. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Many, many times. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? There were some teachers I haven’t enjoyed having in the past.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I bought a gift card for Kay once. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I’m assuming I’d move with him since we’re married..

21. Do you have any university plans?

I am currently getting my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Have no plans to go beyond that.

22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do?

It would completely shock me if my mom did, although our relationship wouldn’t change. If Jacob did, I would probably be devastated since we’ve been together so long and have two kids... I wouldn’t care much if Kay did.

23. What are your views on sex?

It’s fine if you’re both of age and it’s consensual. I don’t have much of a sex drive these days, which upsets Jacob sometimes. But I’m just so tired. All the time.

24. Do sexual questions bother you?

Nope.

25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up?

He’s my husband, and I don’t want a divorce.

26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding?

I did when I was younger and again when we got engaged.

27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’?

I don’t enjoy it, but you can do what you want, as long as you’re not hurting other people.

28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook?

I have never had to deal with that, so I’m not sure what I would do.

29. Would you ever date a friends Ex?

I feel like there would be a lot of things that would factor into that decision, but currently, nope.

30. What’s the last book you read?

I don’t remember. It was a children’s book at work.

31. Ready for 10 simple questions?

Sure thing.

32. What is your last name?

Shh.

33. What grade are you in?

I just started my first year of graduate school about 3 weeks ago.

34. What school do you go to?

Northcentral University.

35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring?

Spring and Fall are my favorites.

36. Favorite Color?

Black and blue.

37. Are your parents together?

They are.

38. Any siblings?

Four sisters and one brother. All younger.

39. Favorite subject? 

I’ve always loved all things psychology related, except research methods, and english.

40. Least favorite subject? All things math. 41. Favorite song? Slow Down by Nichole. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? No clue. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Yeah. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yup. 46. Have a Formspring? Nope. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Sell them if they don’t want to. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Either!!! 49. Been to Disney world? No but I will someday! 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Nope. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Yeah. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? Yeah. Yelled at my kids... 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yup. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Weed at least. 56. Ever watched The Hills? Nope. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Nope. 58. Ever called someone a slut? Not seriously that I recall. 59. What do you think of short shorts? Not for me.  60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Many times. 62. What about a B? ^^^ 63. And a C? A few. 64. How about a D? No. 65. Ever skived? Huh? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? Outcast for sure. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? My age. Or older. 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yup. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Kind of.  70. Ever watched porn? Yeah. Wasn’t into it. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? Speeding. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? Yup. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays. Jacob has them off from Papa John’s. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? Not likely. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. I hate it too. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? No, although I’m closer to my mom. 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? I did and didn’t get past the producers. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Chris Pratt, and Johnny Depp. 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Kirsten Vangsness, Monica Raymund, Hilary Duff, I can’t think of more. 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Nooo. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? I don’t think so. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? I wouldn’t do it. 86. Are you opinionated? On some things. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Children clothing stores, like Carter’s or the Children’s Place. Barnes and Noble. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? Not likely. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have a couple boot cut pairs. 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? I pretty much wear the same few outfits all week. I only have so many work appropriate shirts. 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I graduated college in 2016 and just went back to get my master’s about three weeks ago. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? Nope. Why would it? 94. Own a pair of converse? I do. They’re my favorite. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? What I am doing now is online and not like a typically school.

96. If yes, are you one of them? ^^^

97. Do you text in class? I did. And I do text while doing school stuff now, although not often. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to brands. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” I don’t know. 100. Do you want to lose weight? Yeah, I do. A lot of it. Like. 100 pounds. Ha. 101. Ever seen a therapist? I have. 102. Ever watched porn? I have, but not really for myself. I didn’t really enjoy it. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? I have. 104. A facebook message? I have. 105. A poke? Yup. 106. A friend request? Many times. 107. Would you say you read into things too much? Oh, I’m sure. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? Suggesting. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) I don’t think so. 110. Ever been called a bully? Not that I can recall. Because I never bullied people. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Many times. 112. Ever gone to church? I used to. Years ago. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? NO. 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I would not want to be exactly like her. But there are a lot of good things I would be happy to inherit.  115. What do you want to do with your life? I’m going to become a marriage and family therapist.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? I do. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I don’t dress up. My kids do though. I don’t know what they’re going to be. Wyatt might be spiderman again. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? I take my babies. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? I don’t really care. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I do not. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Probably. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? I don’t remember. 124. Last TV Show? Uhhh. Maybe Criminal Minds? 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? I wouldn’t likely care. 126. Ever been called a whore? I don’t think so. But it’s possible. 127. Are you american? I am. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah.  129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? On a dare - Kayla and/or Brittany. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Gross. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? It’s been years since anyone said that, but no, it didn’t bother me. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? We’re married and have been together many years. I would hope I could have intelligent conversations with him at this point. 133. Ever had the lead in a play? No. 134. What about a solo in a concert? I did once in high school. 135. What kind of a student are you? I’m a good student. I’ve always done very well. 136. Worst subject? I have always hated math. 137. Best subject? English or history. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? It’s super impossible so I would be pretty confused. 140. How late do you sleep in? I have to be up by 7:20ish. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? Sometimes I use filters. 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? I am the ugly friend, 100%. 143. Do you believe in love? Obviously. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Yeah.. 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” I don’t care. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Depends on my mood but usually salty or sweet. 147. Are you going into High School this year? Nope. Graduated 2012. 148. What about Junior High? Heck no. Ha. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? That someone I love was seriously hurt or died. 150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys :) 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? I have no idea since Wyatt is using it.