#hmmm what to do and where to put this
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koipalm · 2 years ago
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having fun with writing....
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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kijosakka · 7 months ago
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au where through training for the,,, fuckin skate olympics or whatever alejandro did he realizes how shitty his family is and manages to leave the situation (probably getting disowned,, living off of money won through skate competitions or smth idk) and years later reunites with josé on ridonculous race to try and rekindle a real family relationship
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13eyond13 · 8 months ago
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one of the lesser talked about fun things about intentionally reading more books is finding new stuff to be a bit of a hater about tbh
#and i know sometimes im probably just not properly picking up whatever the writer is putting down but whatever it's still fun#to actually know what you think about stuff like the highly regarded classics and extremely popular hyped up things#here are a few writers im a bit of a hater about w my opinions now btw#neil gaiman: does not do it for me at alllll#have read the graveyard book and american gods and hated almost every minute of both#in american gods i just found the aesthetic ideas and characters completely unappealing and in the graveyard book#i thought it was dreary and not well described enough... kept feeling like it was too bare bones in some way to picture things properly#i was like 'hmm i wish this was one of his graphic novels instead bc i'd like to be able to see what's going on here a bit better...'#also his humour just never lands for me and i do not often get his references either#ray bradbury annoys me in a similar way to neil gaiman but also somewhat oppositely like where#the way they write characters and plots and ideas and the stuff they care about gets on my nerves in an almost identical way#that i don't know how to define except to say i had a bit of a 'same energy' experience reading Something Wicked This Way Comes#and some of neil gaiman's stuff#but unlike neil gaiman i think that ray bradbury attempts to describe things unusually so much and TOO much#to the point that it takes me out of the story in a different yet similar way#to how the lack of description in neil gaiman's stuff does#what else have i become a bit of a hater about or did not get the appeal of lately? hmmm#oh hp lovecraft hahahaha#least scary stories ever god everything he's scared of is so dumb#like even aside from his extremely racist takes and fear of the 'exotic other' his fears about being cosmically insignificant are just like#yeah and? whats so scary about that hahaha i literally just dont get it#also the amount he writes dialogue in heavy accents annoys the shit out of me#p
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keeps-ache · 22 days ago
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[staring out the window but it's just a sticker on the wall] i actually need to make something right now or i'll espode
#just me hi#didn't really do anything yesterday and i have some neat ideas that i haven't gotten around to because of the Sludge#but ouuuu Aura.....#yea..#//also think i want a sweet drink rn#prolly soda ngl. favorite poison :3#//i had to reset my computer (bugging out) and for some reason it signed me out of everything ? boop ??#anyway so that means ytm autoplay got turned back on. which i rarely enjoy but i don't have the power to turn it off rn so i'm just#tolerating everything that comes on loll#which i'd Like to say it's like the radio but i really really like the station i listen to often and i Understand it's gonna be a roulette#//OH YEAAA i forgot about my mp3 project !! !!!!#so i think i mentioned it can hold images too which is Sickkkk and you can put the images on a slideshow which is even cooler#and bc you can listen to audio while doing that at the same time i was thinking well this is just infinite potential here. this could be#everything khfbvshg :333#i wanna try a shorter + smaller story first.. prolly a short ghost story cuz spooky is just easier for me to do lol#ik what the visuals will prolly look like but the audio cues are where i'm a bit Hmmm abt em hfshg#i'm thinking i could put All of the audio in just like 2-3 files (for tutorials on how to use the machine for the story :) ) which isn't#hard#and cuz if you need to pause for whatever reason it's next to impossible to figure out where you are properly meant to be anyway#Yeaa i'll prolly do that :)#but if it turns out well i want to do some more complicated stuff!!#like i was thinkin and there's like a second between each pic where it could look like smth is just Kinda animated#which could be really cool and offsetting in the right spots :33#i'm really excited abt it hbfhsv - prolly cuz it feels like a new medium which always gets my gears moving lol :>#//anyway i'm gonna run out of tag space in a sec lol--#just realized the reason i tend to have my last tag cut off at the end is bc i forget to count my talk tag as. a tag. lmfvsfhvjsf#anyWay yea!!! toodles ^w^
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bmpmp3 · 3 months ago
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when drawing i spend a lot of time. like a LOT of time blurring my eyes because I used to be a huge perfectionist and doing that helped me picture what it might look like to someone who is not me (especially to someone just passing by or not super familiar with art in general) AND it does help a lot with that but I've also noticed sometimes I focus so hard on what my art looks like blurry and from afar that I forget. what it looks like normally. it's made me really pay attention to tonal distinction at least LOL
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resolvebound · 6 months ago
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#𝑹𝑬𝑺𝑶𝑳𝑽𝑬𝑩𝑶𝑼𝑵𝑫 | 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐞 & 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢-𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲 𝐓𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐚 | ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑙𝑦 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛 𝑏𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑎𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑠 | 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒃𝒚 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒐 (𝑠ℎ𝑒/ℎ𝑒𝑟, 28, 𝑁𝑍𝑆𝑇)
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𝐍𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍: 𝐶𝐴𝑅𝑅𝐷 —— 𝐼𝐶 𝑀𝐸𝑀𝐸𝑆 —— 𝐻𝐶 𝑀𝐸𝑀𝐸𝑆 —— 𝑂𝑂𝐶
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𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐒: 𝑅𝑂𝐺𝑈𝐸 —— 𝑀𝐴𝐶𝐵𝐸𝑇𝐻 —— 𝐹𝑅𝐸𝐸𝐷 —— 𝐺𝑅𝐴𝑌 —— 𝐿𝐸𝑂
𝐑𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐒: 𝐹𝑅𝑂𝑆𝐶𝐻 —— 𝐿𝐸𝐶𝑇𝑂𝑅
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𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐒: as at 30/06/2024
𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎: (if our thing is not here, please let me know)
jana - rogue & ur,
dia - olexa & freed, leo & lucy
vyn - freed & laxus,
jackie - leo & lucy,
𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎:
jana - rogue & rena (apartment AU)
vyn - rogue & laxus (raven tail verse)
aurora - rogue & erza
remi - leo & lucy (bridgerton au)
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𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐒: 𝐯𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬 — 𝑘𝑎𝑔𝑢𝑟𝑎, 𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑎𝑛𝑛𝑎, 𝑗𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑦, 𝑒𝑣𝑖𝑒, 𝑏𝑖𝑠𝑐𝑎, 𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑜𝑛, 𝑖𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑦𝑎 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐝 — 𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑛𝑛𝑎, 𝑙𝑢𝑐𝑦, 𝑙𝑒𝑣𝑦 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 — 𝑟𝑜𝑔𝑢𝑒, 𝑚𝑎𝑐𝑏𝑒𝑡ℎ, 𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑑, 𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑦, 𝑙𝑒𝑜, 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑠𝑐ℎ, 𝑙𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑜𝑟 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧 — 𝑗𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 — 𝑓𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑘𝑖𝑒 (𝑂𝐶, 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑒-𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑔𝑢𝑖𝑙𝑑𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟) 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭 — 𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑠 (𝑂𝐶, 𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒, 𝑠𝑝𝑦) 𝐚𝐪𝐮𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐮𝐬 — 𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑖𝑎 (𝑝𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑛) 𝐰𝐨𝐥𝐟𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐰𝐝 — 𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑎𝑛 (𝑂𝐶, 𝑓𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒 & 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑤𝑜𝑙𝑓)
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mechahero · 8 months ago
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lambda vc: save me highly specific summer aesthetic in my head... save me...
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yoshistory · 1 year ago
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got this weird thing always where im always wondering if im a gay man or a bi dude-kinda or a bi girl-a-little-bit or a gay man-also-woman-a-bit, and its like. whenever im like "OKAYY I DONT CAREEEEE MAYBE I DO LIKE GIRLS" .... IMMEDIATELY my thoughts about liking women are gone like. when im trying to appease that. and then im like "hmm maybe i DONT like girls??" the thoughts about liking girls comes back
#and GENUINELY... COSMICALLY... if i really want to date a woman i would love to just allow this for myself. and am trying to#and whenever i try to its like ''yeah nevermind man it wasnt even anything''#so when i do go ''oh okay i guess it was nothing'' the desire to like women comes back#and maybe its a case of ''putting it off the table makes me want it more'' .. but its like.. when i say ''ok im bi'' its gone.#its like hey. come back. what happened i said i liked it. gone. until i accept that its gone. and then its back. chameleon type shit#permanently grass-is-greener type of living... please..#ALSO.... this happens with ''being a little bit of a girl'' because then im like ''ok cool man im a girl now. yup''#but when i put this into action i HATE IT and VEHEMENTLY need to go back immediately#and then when i go back im like ''but what if i WASNT just a guy..... hmmm...''#and its like that bit from courage the cowardly dog where baby muriel wants her mac and cheese 500 different ways#and is never happy when you give it to her#when i MOST think about ''being a girl who is bi'' is when i feel THE MOST like a gay man#& when i think about and put into practice ''being a gay man'' i CANNOT enjoy it due to the ''what ifs''#its like i have to do a schrodinger's sexuality on myself#genuinely really dont mind what my sexuality and gender is as long as im happy and YET.... its like chasing my own tail with myself#its funny because what i do know is that i love masculine terms i love being he/him'd i love being called a man i love my body on t#but... ''what to call this other than blanketly 'transmasc'.. if anything'' and ''who do i wanna fuck about it'' are like going in circles#and NOT to say people need anything more specific than just being transmasc or just saying ''im gay'' or being blanketly queer or anything#and maybe i need to take a page from that if its giving me grief. but ... *gestures vaguely*
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devilishdelights · 2 years ago
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dame mammon wip + first time drawing in clip studio paint
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florenceisfalling · 1 year ago
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don't worry guys if you're ever in a bad place emotionally and seeking guidance some woman with an entirely different outlook on life than you will thrust shitty advice upon you whether you like it or not and then make you feel completely fucking awful about her wealth of wisdom that she is so genuinely convinced she has despite not having any idea . this will make the bad place so much more bad also
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glimpsesofeuterpe · 1 year ago
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that laggy time travel delievery app thing reminds me of that first job where had to use a shitty app alike
it also had something to do with putting stuff here and there
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nothingbutalgae · 3 months ago
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Long rant post bc ugh doctors and weight.
I'm happy but also annoyed. So I stopped weighing myself as much this year because fuck it, I don't care anymore. I'm overweight and always have been and I'm pretty active and always have been, so what gives?
Every time I go to the doctors they go well you need to eat less (I eat 2 meals and a few snacks a day, just want me to do 2 meals?). Eat more veggies/leafy greens! "You can cook up spinach in some oil on the stove and that would be a good way to get more leafy greens in!" I'm a very picky eater, always have been, but I've been getting better as the years go on, but I'm not frying up spinach and eating just that. I snack on carrots, sometimes cauliflower, cherry tomatoes, etc. Not leafy greens but at least they are veggies. Work out: "have you tried working out? how much do you work out each day? you need to be working out every day". Last time I went to the doctor in June she went "so have you been working out?" and I was like "well no, but I haven't really had time or energy because I've been working 12 hour days a few times a week, but I'm literally always on my feet and moving at work" she literally looked at me with the most unamused/annoyed expression and was like "so that's a no to working out" and I was a bit pissed off. I work as a floor person at a pet store aka constant walking around, regular lifting and carrying heavy bags up and down ladders/out to people's cars. I work as a massage therapist aka constant movement there. I started working at a garden center where they have me do random odd jobs (moving clay pots, cleaning shelves, watering or moving plants, etc all without air conditioning) or just stand at a register occasionally. Well my cholesterol is high. Yeah I know, it's been high for a while but I stopped eating fast food except for rare occasions now so I was hoping it would go down (I did start eating more chips however after that so....). With the results of the test she was like "you need to be eating less, smaller portions, more veggies, and you need to be working out for an hour a day, every day." and I was like fuck okay fine. So I started going on the treadmill for like.. 15 to 30 minutes a day, but stopped again because I really don't have the energy or time. I also have depression that idk if we ever got fully under control because I struggle to get out of bed unless I have to go do something which is actually part of the reason I started working at the garden center because at least if I'm working a 12 hour day or morning shift somewhere I have to get my ass out of bed in the morning. I do not have the energy to work out, especially when I'm working. But I figured I would gradually start with 15 to 30 minutes a few times a week and then get to 60 a few times a week (yeah that lasted like maybe two weeks and I haven't worked out since). However, despite not working out still and going down to one day a week at the garden center (so only one 12 hour day a week), I've lost 12 pounds since June without working out. How you may ask? I cut chips and egg yolks out of my diet. Literally that's the only real difference. I still eat the same portions, I may have a few more veggies because it's summer and we have the garden going (so plenty of zucchini and cherry tomatoes), but literally I still eat just as much sugar as I have, I still snack quite a bit (just not on chips) AND I'VE LOST 12 POUNDS GRADUALLY IN TWO MONTHS. LITERALLY THAT'S ALL IT TOOK. THAT'S ALL I CHANGED! I've literally struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, and while I will have to see how far it goes down if I keep this up/maybe also start working out, I've always been classified as overweight. I got the short and stocky genes from my mom. My mom works out 30 minutes to an hour a day almost every day, in addition to being on her feet from 6am to 2pm plus whatever she does at home, she is still classified as overweight. This lady is pure muscle, she doesn't eat a ton, but nope she's still overweight. I hate that even at my lowest weight as a pre-teen/teen (which is about 35 pounds lighter than I am rn), I was still overweight. I'm happy I've lost weight but also am sad and frustrated because even if I lost 40 pounds it wouldn't be good enough to not be overweight.
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dynasty889 · 4 months ago
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Okay so these doodles are both meant to be Odysseus. The first one is like teenage Odysseus. The second one I’m thinking is Odysseus post-spending seven years against his will on Ogygia (yes I know the hair is a little f’d up on the second one gimme me a moment)
(I was gonna try to also draw a body for the second one but I gave up as usual)
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0fps · 5 months ago
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idk if anyone plays reverse 1999 here but i might upload the "journey in the rain" album in a hot sec
#0.txt#i don't play it either but the character trailer for the bird man showed up on my feed#and the art style/music was gorgeous so i just started looking through their trailers and stuff#i don't think i'd actually play it since the gameplay itself isn't something im into but i'll appreciate from a distance#but anyways yeah it led me to their one officially released album and i LOVE symbiosis#need it on my blog. there's only 9 songs so figured id just upload the entire thing here#in general though idk what i wanna do about like. misc songs i want to upload#like here is fine for now but i can't organize it as well so it just feels kinda messy to me#i DID have a misc music blog for a hot sec but i didn't keep it around long since it felt super aimless at the time#i'm also tempted to turn starrailmp3 into a general gacha music or whatever blog but idk. hsr has a lot of music on its own#similarly i know i'll probably end up making yet another music blog for zzz bc hoyo-mix is already going nuts on that ost#so alternatively i could also make it a general hoyo-mix blog and also upload hi3 even though i don't play it at all#hmmm might do that actually#but for non-hoyo-mix songs. i feel like i might also want to upload some wuwa tracks if they end up releasing albums for it#but they probably won't release as much as hoyo-mix and i'd want to keep the aforementioned blog on theme#so idk where i'd put the other gacha game tunes#like do i make ANOTHER side blog lol i hate having so many tbh
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tidepoolalgae · 6 months ago
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