#hit me with those recommendations

[ft-nostalgia]

Damn, y'all batflash shippers could not get enough of the "A Better World" episode of Justice League, huh?

[ganondoodle]

i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

ok this is a deeply deeply weird manifesto and i'm sorry but i feel suddenly very burdened to say it so. if you felt like we were friends and i unfollowed you, this is for you. (don't be scared this is not about problems with anyone this is just my mess. that I think is ok to have which is why I'm talking about it)

so I joined tumblr in 2020 when a) the world was isolated b) I had just moved to a new city and was living alone taking Zoom classes in my apartment. what started as a mindless distraction became such a lifeline of connection and friendship! and still such a support as things started to open back up and get busier in 2021, when I was teaching and in class in person but still struggling for close in-person friendships. I know the group dynamic on here has shifted a number of times, as some of you probably experienced from various vantage points. my use of tumblr has shifted too, on and off, as I've needed different things out of it and been in different spiritual and emotional states. and I've kind of come to realize that I probably threw myself in too eagerly in some ways. it was so exciting to have actual friends on here and for them to actually turn into friends in person, that honestly I maybe prized that dynamic too much for what it symbolized over actually valuing the people. I'm sorry for doing that.

anyway, that worked fine for a bit, but as (glory be to God) I've become much more plugged into my in-person community in the last couple years, I've felt more and more emotionally strained. I've taken up a new attitude towards my family that's much more in line with God, but also much more draining as it means I have to just pour out in prayer and love and wait with patient sorrow over some things rather than fighting and defending my perspective as always right and necessary; and then there's the church-related grief my family has gone through over the last year. I've had a very delicate and difficult friendship that pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from a college situation and felt endlessly wearying at times. I've had another issue from college recur in a way I thought had been healthily resolved years ago. I've had this whole roommate marriage situation that as y'all know is a very weird trial and pressure. My church has been dealing with a strange and tough ongoing struggle that was already stressing me out before I started working there. My small group has been amazing and I've loved connecting with and relying on them more, but that connection also means more fully bearing the griefs of a lot of different people dealing with the different struggles of life. My advisor situation has been so weird and tough, making my academic work really hard, and then this recent church work has been fulfilling but physically and often mentally exhausting. My future location, work, and community is up in the air after a few years of stability. (I really didn't mean to make this a recitation of my woes, but honestly it's really helpful to see it all written out here; helps explain my deep deep exhaustion, I guess.)

If I ever followed you on tumblr, I love you. In a number of different ways. I feel fondness at the thought of you and at your presence; I want to know you more fully; I desire the good for you; and I find my well-being to be, at least a little bit, tied up with yours. That last one is the rub. As I'm sorting through all the callings and duties in my life, trying to identify what counts as changing my tires versus what wears my tires out, I've found that my tumblr dashboard can switch back and forth very unpredictably between one thing and the other. Often it's a delight to come on here and find my friends and the cool things we're showing each other and the joys and sorrows and goofy moments of our lives! But at other times, when what I desperately need is an escape and rest and humor to provide solace from in-person cares, I find myself pricked all over again by the sorrow of the world and the stress of sin--or even just irritated by stuff I find irrelevant or disagree with or don't want to be reminded of.

To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's doing anything wrong on here. The opposite; I love the freedom y'all have to seek out what helps you, whether that's a lot of facts and ideas or a lot of goofy content or recipes or weird TV or music or venting about life or seeking prayer or advice! We all have the freedom and responsibility to determine how to use the tools we have to aid us in pursuing the good, whether the good is a quick laugh or building up virtue. But I think for me, at this point in my life, my duty and calling has swung back towards my in-person connections in a variety of ways, and I have to honor that.

The lie of infinity that the internet offers is just that--a lie. for me, that lie right now is being laid bare in my inability to have infinite care for everyone whose path I cross. I could follow everyone on here whom I'm endeared to, could keep messaging and replying and building relationships, but it would be a lie to think I can offer that love and care to everyone I would like to. In-person friendships are limited by physical proximity and time; online friendships can't be unlimited either. I need to apologize for acting as though they could be, and committing myself beyond my limits; but also, my life has really changed, and I'm not going to be caught either by the lie that online is only worthwhile if it's permanent.

I want to be clear that I value the connections I've had with you. I've loved exchanging mail and phone calls, messaging fun things back and forth, being online at the same time or learning about your day after the fact. Please know, also, that I have gone to war in prayer for you, and I continue to do so. I wish that I knew how to love widely without feeling pulled apart and worn down, by difference and sorrow and sin (mine and yours). I hope God is sanctifying me toward that end. But right now I'm fairly convinced I need to honor my calling to in-person friendships; I need to protect my mind and heart from even little pricks and distractions, so that I can keep my desires in order and use my energy for prayer and Scripture and to do good work and love the people God's made my physical neighbors. I really do love you, and I wish we had infinite time to talk and think together. I'm so excited to be with y'all in heaven forever. And who knows--maybe my life will shift yet again (it's looking likely) and I'll have a ton of spare energy and love and will come sheepishly back looking to connect with you again. We'll see. You deserve love and attention and connection, in person and online, and I'm sorry that--at least as it feels to me--I held out the promise of giving you that and then had to withdraw it.

so. there's all that. My dash is super quiet these days, thwarting my dopamine search but pushing me towards texting friends, towards meditating more fully on Scripture, towards praying over my work and burdens. I hope you can understand and maybe even be glad that, God willing, this is how I'm able and needing to work for the kingdom right now. love you love you

[tj-crochets]

I am having a rough afternoon and could use some joy, so if you have any favorite songs to dance around the kitchen to I'd love to hear them! It does not matter what language they are in, any language is fine

[shiverandqueeef]

absolutely love media that explores deeply dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships but as a woman whose inherited parental trauma is very distinctly father shaped, i desperately want more fictional depictions of daughters and dads that are honestly invested in exploring the complexity of that particular familial dynamic, with nuance and empathy and without reducing it to misogynistic, slut-shaming, indulgent male fantasies (she's a slut because daddy issues)

[ihamtmus]

.

[purplecelestial-buddy]

Today I watched past lives (2023) and the quote

"You dream in a language I cannot understand"

Will hunt me till the day I die

[mooshorange]

Do you ever think about The Island of Dr Moreau? Do you ever think about the fact that Prendick never fully recovered from what happened to him? Do you ever think about how he gained a dislike for people, religion, and everything he used to know? Do you ever think about the way he withdrew from society and never fully reentered it due to the trauma of what happened? Do you ever think about the fact that he didn't just go back to normal or do some 'real men don't experience emotion' thing? Do you ever think about the fact that talking through what happened and how it affected him with someone else helped him feel better and recover a little, even if things could never be the same?

Yeah, me neither. I am also normal and definitely don't think about this all the time.

[rouge-the-bat]

i wanna find more lesbian songs that arent like, pop, rap, or folksy sounding Just A Girl And A Guitar music. or extremely sexual (tho if the beat is good enough then thats fine- i like pink panther from scene queen for example). also dont give a shit about Relationship Issues or Being Sad My Crush Has A Boyfriend. i want some heavy rock dykery. toxic yuri obsessed yandere type shit. i want them to bite each other. oh lez jazz would be great too

[raventhekittycat]

I know it's Ryousuke but I genuinely thought it was a woman there for a hot second

[despair-tea]

that book was pretty good, yea. glad I came back around and finished it.

the (part 1 - end) at the end is so funny - you mean after they resolved all the problems in the story, that's just the beginning? The beginning of the rest of their lives? lmao

[hephaestuscrew]

I'm always mystified by those pre-roll podcast ads where the hosts of a show you've never heard of (which bears no similarity or connection to the show you are listening to) greet you as if you are meant to care who they are and then proceed to read out the ad.

[malachitezmeyka]

No wait I'm actually not done talking about how The Dawns Here Are Quiet (1972) fucking broke me and I need to rant about it a bit more

Just.. the concept in general? One senior sergeant and 5 young girls barely out of school, the oldest of them only 20, having to hold off 16 German paratroopers? Knowing how low the odds of success are and yet understanding that they have to do it anyway? Being overcome with fear and hopelessness but keeping at it because you have a duty to your homeland? How fucking terrifying that would be?

And then, the girls dying off one by one. Liza, sent to warn the rest of the troop of the germans, dying in a swamp as she wasn't careful in where she was stepping, all because she was rushing to get there as fast as possible to hopefully save the lives of the other girls. But her death being in vain, because Sonya was stabbed and Galya was shot before her demise was even discovered. Only two girls and Vaskov the sergeant left, not even having the chance to mourn the fallen because the germans are still there. The sergeant ordering the girls to retreat because he wants at least them to survive. Them disobeying, remaining in those woods until the end. Some of the germans were dead too, but at what cost?

The absolute fucking tragedy of what happens next, Rita being wounded by grenade shrapnel causing Zhenya to go off with nothing but a rifle, singing at the top of her lungs as she runs through the woods to get the germans to follow her away from her friend. But of course she could never survive doing that for long and is killed. Vaskov finding her and telling Rita, who understands that with the rest dead and her wounded only Vaskov can face the Germans but he refuses to leave her, so she asks him to look after her little boy and kills herself

Vaskov burying the girls and finding the germans, shooting some, screaming at the remaining that they were facing only five young girls and still weren't able to pass by them, and now he will kill all of them himself and that he doesn't care if he will be judged for it because he will avenge the girls he was supposed to protect

The epilogue, thirty years after the war ended, showing Vaskov and Rita's son, who he adopted just as asked, placing a memorial plaque in those same mountainous woods of Karelia and being discovered by a group of campers the same age as those girls were, all their joy and laughter immediately fading as they stand in respect and mourning too for the girls they weren't even alive at the same time with but who were part of the reason they can now spend their youth camping and having fun instead of fighting on the front lines

And that's only the plot, if I started talking about the symbolism and cinematography too I would be here typing all day. But I will mention the genius decision to make the entire movie in black and white except for the 'modern day' scenes of the campers and Vaskov hallucinating the girls after their deaths as he mourns, as he threatens the germans, and as Rita's son places the memorial. Genius, I tell you

Just... The Dawns Here Are Quiet (1972). That's it that's the post.

[tempestclerics]

maybe i actually have learned some resilience across the past year because it truly has been a Day but. feeling more even keeled about it than i was expecting and that's a win

[ghosts-of-love]

wish there was a Horrible Histories-esque show but for like. nature stuff

[geolato]

Thanks for tagging me @yearningsea and @polar-bears-making-pancakes!!

Here's the thing. I post about books because I like reading and I like talking about the books I'm reading and I do read more than your average person my age but I haven't... read a lot of books... in total (trying to do it more now, which is part of why I post about it). Yes I am trying to prepare you guys. This is a very mixed bag.

That being said, here's some books I've read that I really liked!

Yes there are two children's books in there. They are both 10/10 FIGHT ME.

Tagging @the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see @jamiegeode @gendernutralghost @newtness532 @sugaroto @frog-in-a-jumper