#his hoes basically
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dumbblondesposts · 7 months ago
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moeblob · 10 months ago
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Karen: LMAO every guy I meet reminds me of my big brothers that's so funny except if Paul is already my brother and you're also a brother that's a bit awkward, huh Hot bartender: THATS MOVING REALLY FAST AND I LIKE YOU AS A PERSON BUT - Karen: having my brothers date would be SO WEIRD Hot bartender: Well on the bright side I literally cannot speak more than five words to him so we aren't dating because he's so cute
(Everyone else: that is somehow the most depressing bright side we never want to hear)
#my characters#oops i fell in love#I just think its really funny how i view so many of the cast as either the only child or#somehow still the only child but with twin cousins that he grew up with somewhat like siblings but is older than them#and then THESE TWO LOSERS (beloveds) are definitely younger siblings#there is no way Karen developed her personality without the help of older brothers#there is also a very funny and agonizing thing where she is super single cause she can't view a guy as more than a brother#she meets an asshole and is like wow just getting huge brother vibes from him wtf#and meets the nicest man possible and is like HOW IS HE ALSO LIKE A BROTHER I WILL NEVER LOVE ROMANTICALLY#and she has all of the guy friends and its very clear if they were interested she has long since friendzoned them#but its fine because they all are also convinced that shes exactly what it would be like to have a brother#so its fine its all good no one really agonizes over not romancing her and she just as a found family in everyone#hi my name is salmon and you may recall my feheroes experience where i want to give a certain male all of the siblings#the sibling adopter extraordinaire ? yeah thats basically karen now that i think about it#you know one time at work at my first job there was a girl who had a crush on a guy and we all worked the same shift a lot#and one day she was whining because he was so friendly to me and he looks at the girl straight faced and says#ITS BROS BEFORE HOES aint that right and im like uh huh sure thats exactly right#and later i told him i really wanted to know where she went wrong because i had a crush on him in school until he opened his mouth#and hes like yeah sucks to wanna date me you made the right choice#and i just ..... will never forget that weird guy#he saw me in a hoodie once and goes NO WAY I HAVE THE SAME ONE and then makes sure he brings it in next time we work together to prove it#he was like an annoying younger brother to me and i thought it was very funny that apparently i too am a sibling to him#i might be adopted and i might be biased but i think everyone could use an adopted sibling that they dont live with#thats a special bond ok im just sayin#also sorry its so late tonight i had some uhhhhhh problems haha
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wisteriagoesvroom · 9 months ago
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the contrast between two of my favourite vroom blorbos is hysterical to me.
charles: chest out. water dripping everywhere. classic movie star sunglasses. dramatic lighting. carefully composed HQ pics.
oscar: chest reveal only in the name of ocean conservation. wet as a cat in a bathtub. vaguely awkward stances throughout. blurry screengrabs captured on a potato.
(and i wouldn’t have it any other way)
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tenrose · 5 months ago
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Not my cat flirting with every pet sitters I get him during my vacations lmao
#misc#this year it's a man#i was lowkey worried cause my cat don't know many men#(idk if they even can tell the difference tbh lmfao)#but this hoe of a cat smelled him and immediately targeted his legs#sometimes i wonder if he wouldn't cheat on me with another human if he had a chance dusjsjjejz#anyway the guy is a young man and as someone who struggled when i was younger#i feel like doing a good action paying someone to do a cool job#(i mean cleaning the litter is not exactly a fun job but getting paid to pet a cat is)#also i met him through my physio who knows everyone#because last year i chose a pet sitter through a pet sitting website#but it was hella expensive#and it's basically a scam cause i paid something like 150€ but only 50€ was for the pet sitter the other was for that shit website#fuck start-ups#anyway i decided to do it the old fashioned way#through social relationships#but i struggled cause i have not social relationships???#except for coworkers#but I don't want coworkers to go to my home#that's an absolute no#it'd be a violation plus i am ashamed of my home and shit#so i prefer someone I don't know at all#so if i get judged it has no consequences#(yes i have trust issues)#so i had to actually gather my courage and ask my physio if she knew someone because she works with lot of young adults and teens#and turns out the mom of the man was here and she said she'll ask him#can't go wrong with someone vetted by hus own mother lol#anyway he said cats are his favourite pets so we're good#Loki definitely sensed that he can plays him like fiddle
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sorvete-de-pacoca · 2 years ago
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Hi! Angsty prompt this time.
"I'm not an easy person to love. I know that," Afonso said. "I'm not loving or caring. I'm not... warm. If people expect you to be heartless, then you can't disappoint them when you act like it."
"oh c'mon cut that shit off!" Complains Luciano "I'm so damn tired of hearing that shit from you! It feels like you're just giving excuses to not make any effort to make this work!"
Afonso looks at him bitterly "And are you making any effort?! Why I have to be the one to open for you when you get to play the cool guy who has no attachments?"
"Im not-?!"
"No! Now you listen! I recognize my failures. You want me to be vulnerable for you but I don't see you lowering your walls either." He shakes his head "I'm too old for that Luciano, I'm not getting in a place where I can't be sure I'm not getting hurt. I know it feel like an adventure for you but it's not to me."
Luciano presses his lips together in anger, then walks away grabbing his coat on the way "I'm leaving" he mumbles, slamming the door behind him. As if he wanted to be there with Afonso and his pity party. All he asked for was for him to act like he was really enjoying staying with him.
But have you been doing that too? His own conscience accuses.
Why do you even want this from him? It's not even serious
And it's not! Just two lonely people getting together to fill that loneliness. So what if Afonso doesn't call him for a whole month? (You don't call him either) So what if he rather hang with his dumb old friends instead of visiting you? (You didn't even invited him to your home in the first place)
"fuck!" He shouts, punching the wheel of his car. This stuff is hard and boring, that's why he didn't liked playing dollhouse.
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somacruising · 2 years ago
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I was going to make a joke about how people used to call themselves wives of their favorite male characters and would talk about how they would save their favorite male character and romance them
the joke would be me saying that I’m the opposite and that Dhaos is MY babygirl, not the other way around.
but then I became terrified that someone would take me seriously or the joke would fall flat.
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clover-the-awesomest · 11 months ago
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NNOOOOOOOOOOO MY HEADCANON ABOUT FAT NUGGETS HAS BEEN DENIED FUCK YOU VAL
It’s okay it still exists in my heart…
Best facts!
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skyburger · 10 months ago
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oh i got recommended a video of john romero playing myhouse.wad and i had to think on who he was. i was like "is this the doom guy" so i looked him up and went on his wikipedia page and discovered we have the same birthday... so awesome. ive never known anyone with the same bday as me not even fictional characters except for bill fucking gates 😭😭😭 WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT BILL GATES!!! anyway yes he is in fact the doom guy (and apparently the wolfenstein 3D and quake guy! which i did not know) so me and john romero are birthday buddies now. shoutsout to mr. romero
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i90o3 · 2 months ago
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How do u think the rest of the homicipher guys would react after that one scarletella ending where u make him ur servant LMAO
Dyt crawly would be especially bothered by it 😭
Scarletta ending.
context: Homicipher boys reactions to the mr scarletta ending where he’s basically your servant.
Homicipher. mr crawling, mr chopped, mr silvair, mr gap, mr hood. | Anypov. Fluff.
Uhh didn’t do this ending yet so i’m slightly unsure about these? they are super short, but I didn’t wanna keep you waiting. (can you tell mr crawling is my fav)
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mr crawling.
lowkey..weirded out, kind of upset, off put, maybe a little jealous. Because why do you need that freak to bend to your will when you have HIM!!
They beef hardcore. If you remember there’s a route where Mr. Crawling saves you from Scarletta, and he’s covering your eyes and yelling at Scarletta. (also that fanart of mr crawling flipping off scarletta lolol)
Like babe what do you mean the guy who tried to kill you is now your pet?? pookie wdym … literally doesn’t trust him at all.
Clings to you and he doesn’t like when Mr Scarletta gets too close. He’s salty as shit like hoe back UP!!!! But honestly as long as you give him extra attention and special treatment he’ll be ight..
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mr chopped.
get. him. away. from that thing. NEOW!! literally whines and pouts and yells, if he had a body he would be kicking and hitting his hands and feet, full blown tantrum. He’s literally like so shocked like wdym?? he’s here?? with you?? nuh uh.
your not allowed to let Mr. Scarletta touch him or else he’ll literally die. (his words not mine..)
Glares as him whenever he sees you with him..
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mr silvair.
I think he’s pretty chill. A little shocked at first..but chill. Maybe he just keeps his distance a little bit, but I don’t think he’d make a big ordeal.
First time he sees Mr. Scarletta with you he just stares for a minute. Like this is normal now? If you say so.
I think he’d want to experiment on him kinda sorta maybe. I don’t think he’d actually attempt it though, or maybe he’d ask. But I really just think he’d be chill about it. Nonchalant vibes yk (/hj)
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mr gap.
first of all, FUCK mr gap I have PERSONAL beef with bro. Secondly he probably actively avoids you. He sees you with Mr. Scarletta, he’s never seeing you again. buh-bye!!
he was nice enough to save you from him and now you wanna ASSOCIATE with him?? just ungrateful.
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mr hood.
I’m ngl I think he’s also chill/indifferent like me silvair ..maybe a little more chill and indifferent.
He just leaves you be for the most part? unless you need him he’s there for you but he just keeps to himself. Maybe he’ll wander and keep an eye on you just in case..
I don’t think he trusts you with Scarletta, but like I don’t think there’s really anything he does about it. Other than checking up on you and watching you from afar.
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1:18 pm. 11/03/2024. @i90o3
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hungy-raka · 2 months ago
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TOLD YALL I WAS MAKING SOMETHING
meet my au🤭
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not sure on the name for this yet (maybe Lack of Foresight?) but basically, in this au narinder finds a loophole and escapes his imprisonment before the game events (aka before Lamb is beheaded) but finds out that Uh Oh seems that bros everything else is stuck in the afterlife
now with no crown, no powers, no godhood, no disciplines, no hoes and no bitches, narinder has to find a way to get everything back and get rid of his siblings, while making sure he doesnt get dismeboweled by some random heretics
oh and lamb is there
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ln4smiamitrophy · 7 months ago
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𝐌𝐘 𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄
𐙚 summary; the one where lando norris shamelessly obsesses over his girl in her instagram comment section
ʚɞ pairing; lando norris x reader
ᡣ𐭩 fc; emma brooks
⭒ type; smau
⟡ a/n; first post , just something basic to test the waters. lowkey why are these so fun to make?
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y/nusername
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liked by landonorris, yourbff and others
y/nusername felt cute, might delete later lol
comments…
yourbff never seen someone so sexy
⤷ y/nusername seems kinda narcissistic to be talking about yourself in that way
user1 patiently waiting for lando to once again be mclaren’s worst pr nightmare
⤷ mclaren we dread y/n post (we love you y/n, lando not so much)
⤷ landonorris hey!!
user2 hi mommy 😍😍
user3 the best wag (not clickbait)
lilymhe marry me?
⤷ y/nusername yes!!!
⤷ alex_albon guess i’ll go fuck myself
⤷ y/nusername good idea
landonorris sit on my face. i’m begging you
⤷ y/nusername it’s not even been a day
⤷ landonorris and i can’t wait any longer. this is torture
user4 i just know lando is giggling and kicking his feet rn
⤷ oscarpiastri he is. he… literally is
landonorris please never delete this 🙏🏼🙏🏼
georgerussell63 y/n what have you done to this man? he’s been staring at this post for the past 5 minutes
⤷ user5 he’s not the only one
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y/nusername
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liked by landonorris, lilymhe and others
y/nusername sweet treat
comments…
user1 i didn’t think you could get any more attractive, guess i was wrong
⤷ user2 we all were
oscarpiastri why did i just witness lando see this and then excuse himself to his driver room? i’m traumatised
⤷ user3 BAHAHAHA 😭😭 poor osc
⤷ user4 this post was all too much for little lando norris
francisca.cgomes smash 😍🔥
⤷ y/nusername come over babygirl
landonorris my sweet treat
*liked by y/nusername*
landonorris google, how does one become a lollipop?
⤷ maxverstappen1 lando do you forget this is public? everyone can see this?
landonorris @mclaren cancel my meetings please, something has come up
⤷ y/nusername go to your meetings mister, i’ll be waiting for you at home
⤷ landonorris yes ma’am 🫡
⤷ mclaren sigh, i’m too tired for this
⤷ user5 poor mclaren admin, they’ve been through so much
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y/nusername
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liked by landnorris, georgerussell63 and others
y/nusername let's play mermaids
comments...
yourbff not the toes on show
⤷ y/nusername no mermiads for you hoe
carmenmmundt beautiful girl
⤷ y/nusername ily <3
landonorris why are you at the beach!? it's raining, you're gonna catch a cold!! you look gorgeous as always but stay wrapped up please, i don't wanna have to deal with sick y/n
⤷ y/nusername these are from like a week ago lan... you were there when i took them... you took them...
⤷ landonorris oh yeah 😅
user1 mother is mothering
alex_albon lily wanted me to ask you when you're next brunch date is...
⤷ y/nusername omg, soon! i promise
carlossainz55 surprised at how tame lando's comment is
landonorris i need you, every way possible, right now. i'm struggling over here love
⤷ carlossainz55 nevermind... you gotta stop doing this publicly
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y/nusername
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liked by landonorris, yourbff and others
y/nusername uh oh i think i'm in love
tagged; landonorris
comments...
user1 awwwwwwww
user2 parents!!
yourbff i guess you're cute... i'm still better tho
⤷ y/nusername ssshhh he can't know the truth
landonorris my girl forever, i adore you
*liked by y/nusername*
landonorris you truly are the love of my life
⤷ y/nusername guess you're stuck with me then
⤷ landonorris wouldn't have it any other way baby
maxfewtrell this is sickeningly cute
⤷ y/nusername thank you??
user3 i want what they have
landonorris my home ❤️ (pls come home, i miss you)
⤷ y/nusername i'm on my way love
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specshroom · 9 months ago
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Fantasy Short Kings <3
~•°♥°•~
Your typical brash Dwarf warrior. Who is only amused when you, the mage of the party, try and rile him up by poking fun at his height. He knows you're only acting like a brat so he'll go rough on you but he eventually gives in to your lewd fantasies.
"You know, I can probably find a spell to make you....bigger."
He grabs onto the belt hugging your hips and pulls you down to your knees in front of him.
"Are ya sure? Ye can't even handle me this size, Lass."
You can't help the pleased look on your face as you bite your lip and look up at him with love struck eyes from your place, kneeling on the floor. The dwarf scoffs at how satisfied you are with yourself and your "plan". He wastes no time lifting you over his broad shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carrying you towards his tent.
~•°♥°•~
Goblin boyfriend who is very horny for you and you alone. When others belittle his sexual abilities or make fun of his height he probably wasn't listening cus he was staring at your boobs. However, when he does manage to pay attention to the comments, his reaction is basically just: "Hoes mad."
He's obsessed with your legs, thighs specifically. He encourages you to wear shorts, skirts, dresses, tighter pants, anything to show off your gorgeous legs.
His goal is to make you feel even half as sexy as he thinks you are.... and he really likes your legs. His undeniable attraction and unrelenting hunger for you gets you off far more than any bigger man could.
~•°♥°•~
Werewolf who's the runt of his pack and definitely on the smaller side. Most of the pack laughs when he finally confesses that he got a mate. He's confided with you about his insecurities before and how the pack treats him so you already have the perfect game plan when you both get invited to a pack get-together. That's why you're bouncing on his cock in the backseat of his car moaning into his neck,
"You gonna mark me up, Baby? Show them who I belong to?"
Making him whine out, "Yeah, f-fuck yes." while gripping your hips and cumming inside your greedy hole.
The look on his pack mates faces was priceless when you walked in there basically reeking of each other with barely hidden bite marks. While the older adults just looked happy that the smallest cub got himself a loving mate, many of the younger adults were clearly struggling with the fact that the runt they bullied for so long actually fucks.
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jtownraindancer · 3 months ago
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me hearing that:
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something i haven’t seen anyone talk about from the buck/gerard fight
“want me to be like your daddy and give you a pat on the head?”
like. what the fuck.
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yrieso · 2 years ago
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tonight i am thinking about how it really pisses me off when i tell people my dads deaf and a lot of people's immediate response is "im sorry" like bitch i said he's deaf not DEAD why do you feel the need to say im sorry. like really, why do you think you should apologize for that? huh?
#it's just. hmmm urg. it's infuriating!!!!#next time someone says that im gonna say ''and im sorry yours is brunette. you see hoe stupid that sounds? that's how stop YOU sound rn''#like idk it might be different if he went deaf later in life but my dad went deaf when he was 4 months old so it's not like#i've had the experience of having a hearing dad and suddenly i don't??? it's literally been my whole life AND his whole life too#im too tired to really articulated my thoughts on this but i feel like i shouldn't really have to explain#why it's so stupid and frustrating to me when you tell me you're sorry my dad is deaf right after learning that#my dad being deaf has had almost 0 negative impact on my life and it's actually given me a lot of cool things#like i wouldn't have learned sign language if he were hearing!! do u know how cool it is to#know a whole other LANGUAGE with your parents and how good it feels to flex that you know more than#your siblings bc they only know the basics of asl#because it feels SO GOOD to flex that#i get to watch tv with my dad at loud volumes that my friends dont get in their house#i learned to read earlier because i was always used to reading captions on the tv and im a quick reader too#when YOU flick the lights on and off your dad would be annoyed. MINE knows im trying to get his attention and he can't hear me#if i don't want to see what he's saying i just take my glasses off. problem solved.#idk i have a lot of thoughts about this but i've ranted and rambled enough in the tags#yriesodottumblrdotcom
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mrfoox · 5 months ago
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The fact that the one that have shown most care and concern about me lately is an guy I haven't kept contact with for a year is :( damn
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anisespice · 8 months ago
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“ the fuck-it list ” || hq! pt. 4
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one || two || three
synopsis: there’s a list going around consisting of hot guys on campus that are deemed “fuckable” with theories as to what they’d be like in bed. it’s all fun and games until somehow your boyfriend ends up on this list. 
pairing: seijoh4 x gn!reader [ oikawa, iwaizumi, mattsun, maki ]
warnings: mature content. MDI. cursing, suggestive language, mild objectification, the word “dick” said over a million times lol this chapter is basically bigdick!4 supremacy, corny behavior, camboy!maki, slight mentions of degradation, iwa’s is the shortest (I’M SORRY), some minor errors probably and i think that’s it :] !!
notes: I AM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT :'))) life was kicking my ass and the last thing i could think about was getting metaphorically dicked down lol but hope you enjoy, thank y'all so much for your patience, and the last couple parts coming soon!
tagged: @daedaep69 , @ahahadumbo , @viktoryn , @mdsb , @ourgoddessathena , @ushygushybaby , @hyori2 , @lumpywolf , @fantasycantasy, @captaincyberqueen , @tsukiran
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OIKAWA would be the reason the list even exists, let’s be honest. 
But, for the sake of the plot, we’ll pretend otherwise.
Once again, without fail, after another grand win for the great king, he’s swarmed by his devoted groupies—Shoving their phones, gifts, and themselves in his face hoping to catch even a sliver of his attention.
And once again, you stood on the sidelines, impatiently waiting for him to leave the spotlight; irked your soul sometimes.
It’s not that you were against him being praised or anything, even though his head was fat enough to begin with, you loved the admiration people had for him. But there’s a fine line between being a fan and being a straight-up weirdo. 
And right now, they’re tap-dancing on that line something fierce. 
“Tooru!~ will you sign right here?” 
One pulled down the collar of her shirt, exposing more of her breasts that were pushed up damn-near to her chin whilst wearing a sultry smile. You caught a small glimpse of panic flash across his features before he covered it with a nervous laugh, eyes subtly shifting over to you as he replied. “..How 'bout a photo instead?” 
Things went on like that for the next few minutes. Someone would even take it a step further by flat out asking for his number, or if he was single. They already knew the answer to that, it was the same every time, yet they continuously tried their luck as if someday, through the power of delusion and manifestation, his answer would miraculously change despite you always attending his practices and his games, wearing his spare jersey, holding his hand, shoving your tongue down his throat, didn’t matter—Them hoes were relentless.
But, so were you. 
“Oh, Tooru!~ If you don’t wrap this up, you’ll be walking home!~” You sang, mirroring the tone of the girl from earlier. The semi-empty threat made the setter perk up like a hound, eyes wide as that same panic returned as well.
Although this time, he wasn’t so quick to play it off. 
“U-Uh,” he squeaked, then immediately covered by clearing his throat. “Yes, uh, well, it’s been great chatting with you all tonight. Thank you again for your love and support for the team, it's always appreciated. I hope you’ll continue to cheer us and myself oninthefuture—WAIT! [____]-chan! Don’t leave, y’know my poor legs won’t survive the walk back! Baby, c'mon, wait up!” 
Oikawa whined as he scrambled to catch up to your retreating form, no longer concerned with the crowd of disgruntled faces he left behind as they watched their object of affection slip away yet again. A small part of you wanted to turn back and stick your tongue out at them in petty victory, but you refrained. The sound of their great king pleading for your attention was satisfactory enough.
You barely made it outside before his long arms wrapped around your front, locking you to his chest as he leaned almost his entire weight on you. You could feel his heart thrumming against your head as he panted. Eventually, he huffed, no doubt pouting as he gently swayed you in his arms. “You’re mean.” 
Keeping your gaze forward, you frowned. “And I have the right to be. You said you’d tell some of those ‘fans’ of yours to chill out—it’s getting way out of hand, Tooru. That one girl practically flashed her damn tits at you, and you gawked like a virgin.” 
He chortled, incredulously, “I did not! She caught me off guard..!” 
“And yet, you rewarded her with a photo instead of calling out her inappropriate behavior. Make it make sense.” 
You attempted to shrug him off only for his hold to tighten, spinning you around to gaze at you with chocolate brown eyes resembling that of a puppy out in the rain—One of the unfair tactics of Tooru Oikawa to get back on your good side. You had full intent of ignoring him, standing your ground…but how could you possibly stay mad at that adorable face? 
Easy. By not looking directly at it. 
“Nuh uh. I don’t think so,” you gently pushed away the setter’s face, earning another whine in protest. “You’re not getting off the hook that easily. I’m really upset with you.” 
“Buh I dinit do anyfing,” he said through smooshed lips. 
“And that’s the problem. You need to set boundaries with them, Tooru. Things’ll only continue to get out of hand the longer you enable it. Next thing you know they’re clawing and biting at your flesh so they can take a piece of you home with them under their nails and in their teeth.”
Oikawa grimaced, leaning back. “Ew. Graphic. They’re fans, baby, not rabid animals. I think you may be exaggerating.”
You cocked a brow. “Am I now? Well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
The team had never seen their captain move so fast in their entire season. This was the first time he’d just straight up avoided his entourage and head straight for the showers after practice, scurrying off like his ass was on fire. Questions would spark around the gym about this drastic shift in behavior.
“What’s his deal?” One player voiced. “Usually he sticks around at least another hour to entertain his cult.”
“Not sure. After our last game, he’s been skittish.” Another replied.
A third jumped in after taking a swig of his water. “Think it’s got something to do with that..thing we saw the other night?”
The small group thought back to when all of their phones went off at the same time, social medias in a frenzy about their very own star player. At first glance, they figured it was just highlights of their game, specifically highlighting Oikawa. But, upon further inspection…it was something else entirely.
'Tooru Oikawa. 6’3ft King of the Court, and also our hearts. Being notoriously known as the campus pretty boy, loved by many and envied by the rest, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to consider him the blueprint—The default setting of everyone’s wet dream. He’s a tall, talented, smooth-talker with playful eyes and a panty-dropping smile, a textbook definition of  ‘Prince Charming’. Everybody and they mama, daddy, even bald-headed granny would kill to jump this man’s bones. Many would see him as the romantic type, but there’s something more…unhinged hidden beneath the pretty-boy persona. After much debate, our beloved setter is to be dubbed a whole SWITCH, no nintendo. At first he’ll play the dominant role, but edge him long enough and you’ll bring the Great King to his knees, quivering, drooling, you name it. He’s shameless. 9.5/10 - half a point deducted for his inferiority/superiority complex. Get some therapy, babe. ♡’
They didn’t think much of it at the time, when it came to their attention whore of a captain, it wasn’t completely unexpected, especially if his groupies had anything to do with it. The players looked at one another, then back at the gaggle of hormones waiting for the brunette in question by the doors. It was unanimous.
“Yep.” “Uh-huh.”
The third player snorts. “‘bout time it sucked to be him for once.”
When Oikawa eventually exited the locker room, he did everything in his power to appear small, tip-toeing across the floor with his head down and shoulders hunched in crouching tiger-like fashion. He would’ve gotten away scott-free…if not for his petty teammates.
“See ya tomorrow, captain!”
It bounced off the gym walls, the setter grimacing as his devoted followers instantly looked in his direction, predatory gazes stunning him like a deer caught in headlights. Oikawa shot the players a nasty glare over his shoulder, flipping them off and continuing for the exit. He attempted to stiff-arm his way through the hoard, ducking and dodging their grabby hands and shutting down their…bolder advances.
“Tooru-chan!~ Let me show you what I’m capable of, I’ll have you begging in no time, just say the word!~”
“Unhinged men are so my type—Step on me, spit on me, call me names until I cry, I want it all!~”
“I bet it’s bubblegum pink, right? Does it curve to the left or right?”
Oikawa blanched. “Ladies, please, this is ridiculous! You all know I’m in a relationship with-”
“They don’t have to know.”
One had tried reaching out to touch him, but was quickly thwarted when the setter grabbed her wrist. Not tight enough to hurt, but enough to get the message across—Too far. Everyone came to a hush at the sudden display, cowering slightly at the intensity that pooled in his eyes, dark and cold as he fixed the whole group with a stern expression. You were right (obviously). Things escalated the second they were given an inch, with complete disregard to his boundaries and what you meant to him.
These weren’t fans. Not real ones, at least.
Oikawa deeply exhaled through his nose, calming himself down to keep from saying something he’d regret. Releasing the girl’s wrist, the setter gently moved her out of his personal space, resadjusting his bag and sporting a rather disinterested expression.
“It appears you all have misunderstood your place. I’ll forgive that disgusting comment only once. But, if this obscene, rude, and down right shameful behavior continues, I’ll have no choice but to inform the coach of your harassment and have you banned from future practices and games. Do I make myself clear?”
When you arrived to pick up Oikawa per usual, you were surprised to see that he was already waiting for you, not a single group ie in sight.
Skeptical, you looked around as you approached him, thinking those buzzards were still in listening distance, just waiting to pounce. But, when all you’re welcomed with was a big hug and kiss, you relaxed. Oikawa pulled back and gave you a sheepish smile. He explained everything that had happened, rubbing his the back of his neck in embarrassment. When he finished, he looked down at you with those same puppy eyes he gave you the other day.
“Please don’t say I told you so?”
You cooed, reaching up to fiddle with his hair at his nape. He leaned into your touch, content. Until you said, “I told you so.”
He frowned. “You’re MEAN.”
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Once IWAIZUMI learned it involved Oikawa in any way, that’s all he needed to know to have no interest in the list. Sort of like Sakusa, if the topic gets brought up, he finds himself tuning out. The last thing he needed was to get dragged into whatever mess his dumbass best friend got himself involved with. But, unfortunately for him, one doesn’t simply choose to be on the list…the list chooses you.
And one afternoon, the former ace was the unlucky winner.
‘Hajime Iwaizumi. 5’10ft hunk made of pure Husband Material. We’re talking the man who’ll open doors for you, pull out chairs, hold your bags without fuss, give you massages, cook you hearty meals, the whole nine yards. With that information in mind, you can’t tell me he’s not an absolute DOG in the bedroom. I’m talking about a man who’ll bully your insides, manhandle you and call you his “favorite cocksleave” or his “pretty little whore”. He’s the type to say the nastiest shit in your ear and tease you for the cute reactions you’d give him before shoving his tongue down your throat, while his dick kisses your appendix. Definitely a Hard Dom who only rewards good behavior, so if you plan to be a brat to this man—Good luck. But, as soon as he’s fucked that attitude outta you he’s back to being such a sweetheart! So so so attentive, so devoted, and will do anything for you. He’s God’s favorite. 1000000/10.’
“Oh? .. Hey, babe.” You said, curiously. Iwa grunted in response. “You know that list thingy Oikawa-?”
“Nope.” He easily answered, eyes focused ahead and he continued bench pressing the heavy bar.
You slap his chest. “You didn’t even let me finish!” He responded with a playful smirk, making you lightly slap him again.
Straddling his lap while he pumped iron was routine. It consisted of him doing what he does and you keeping him company, soaking up his presence until you inevitably left for your next lecture. Sometimes you kept count for him, other times you’d happily just be a distraction; today you did both.
“Haji,” you whined, wiggling a little. He ignored you on purpose, stubbornly refusing to indulge the topic. But that didn’t deter you from pestering him. “Ha-ji-me!”
“Ba-by-doll,” he echoed, grunting shortly after when he placed the heavy weight back on the rack, finished with the set. Panting, he sat up and readjusted you in his lap, hands resting on your thighs as he finally looked at you, amused at your scowl. “I don’t get why you’re so interested in that shitty list.”
“I’m not…until now.”
“Why?”
Turning your phone screen to show him the updated post, Iwa’s eyes scanned it before his brows furrowed in confusion, then tightened with irritation, jaw clenched and annoyance clear on his face. He let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes to unsee it and merely laying back down on the bench. “Block them.”
You gaped. “What? No way!”
“It’s nothing but perverts with too much time on their hands,” he grunted, lifting up the bar and beginning his set. “It’ll rot your brain. Or what’s left of it, anyways.”
With a dramatic gasp, you retorted with, “Jerk. I’ll retweet and tell them you also love sucking on toes, how ‘bout that?”
Iwa paused mid-push. He eyed you from his laying position, voice dangerously low as he said, “Try it and I’ll bench press you next.”
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“Hm.”
Through squinted eyes, MATTSUN briefly scanned the bright screen of Maki’s phone displaying the updated post that started circulating around their group for the past few minutes. Without much reaction, one would think he was too buzzed to be able to even comprehend it.
But he understood all too well.
‘Issei Matsukawa. 6’2ft lazy ass with a third leg. Doesn’t matter if he looks like he uses 5-and-1 body wash, he smells DELECTABLE. And don’t get me started on the gray, low-hanging joggers he usually wears around campus—He needs to be arrested walking around with a concealed weapon in those sweats—sir, put it in me AWAY. The literal embodiment of “If it slaps his thigh when he walk, I’ll listen when he talk.” The ultimate brat-tamer tbh. You can’t get under his skin, he’s so nonchalant and laid back, your attitude would just be foreplay for him (HIS FREAKY ASS). And if you think he’s already big on soft??? Bitch. Gon head and call outta work for tomorrow. 50/10.’
“Uh..congrats?” Kindaichi gave an awkward thumbs up.
Maki snickered, tongue in cheek. “Yeah, man, how’s it feel being ‘dick of the week’? They’re even givin’ it nicknames ‘nd shit.” He scrolled further into the depths of debauchery. Peering from over his shoulder to see for himself, Kunimi‘s face scrunched in mild disgust.
“Someone called it ‘The Door-Knocker’? Fucking cringe.”
“Fucking retweet.” The strawberry blonde hummed in approval. “Oo, I like this one—‘The Punisher’. That’s badass.”
Yahaba snickered only to then start choking on his drink, snatching Kyotani by the front of his shirt for support as he hacked for air. The wing-spiker merely glared, winding his hand back to beat the shit out of his back. “Ack! Kyo—fuc-! BRO STOP.”
“I’m helping.”
“You’re killing me!”
“Same thing,” he grunted.
Mattsun snorted, taking another swig of beer. After skimming through the thread, he lowly drawled out, “Cool, I guess. No big deal.”
He didn’t know much about the list, only that if you ended up on it you were pretty much an ace in the game of dick-slanging. But, he didn’t need some thirsty randoms on the internet telling him that he fucks. He had you to attest to all that, and your opinion was the only one that truly mattered. Not that either of you would kiss and tell.
His friends, on the other hand, felt otherwise. As far as they were concerned, Mattsun was a single man. And right now, he was shitting on a blessing sent from the gods. Maki halted his sip to eye his best friend, beer can lowering suspiciously. “No big deal?”
Mattsun shrugged. “t’s what I said.”
Yahaba finally caught his breath, chiming in with a winded, “Yeah right…you’re probably itching to check your DMs. Tell me ‘m wrong.”
“Ok. You’re wrong,” he replied, chugging the remainder of his beer can before crushing it. Yahaba went to argue, but Mattsun cut him off by speaking through a burp. “Don’t got the energy…to entertain someone who just wants my dick.”
“Don’t you mean, ‘Door-knocker’?” Kunimi teased.
“I thought it was ‘The Punisher’..?” Watari asked, uncertain.
“I saw ‘Horse Cock’ on there.” Kindaichi grimaced.
Mattsun shook his head. “Whatever. Point is, ‘m not interested in racking up my body count anytime soon, so those DMs will just go unanswered. Hell, maybe even deleted.”
“Bullshit,” Maki challenged. He points an accusing finger. “There’s another reason. It’s ‘cause you’re already screwing around with someone, aren’t ya?”
A silence fell upon the group, all eyes instantly honing in on the taller male with metaphorical ears raised high in scandalized curiosity, some (read: Kindaichi and Yahaba) more obvious about it than others. Mattsun merely gave a halfhearted shrug, neither denying nor confirming the information. “Aha! See, see, look at ‘em, dodging the question! He’s so cuffed.”
“No shot,” Yahaba deadpanned, “mister ‘Noncommittal’ himself?”
Mattsun glared. “Oi. I commit to stuff.”
“He’s gettin’ defensive.” Kunimi pointed out with a wry grin.
“Must be true, then.” Kyotani nodded, mischievous glint in his eye.
The others hummed in agreement, theorizing about his type in partners and how there could be a potential special someone in their senior’s life, while the bastard behind it all watched smugly on the couch, sipping his drink like a gossiping old biddy. Mattsun squinted in annoyance at his best friend. “Et tu, dumbass?”
Maki raised his hands, “Hey, don’t get mad at me. You basically told on yourself. No guy in their right mind would ever pass up on that many opportunities unless he’s A) Stupid, B) Aro/Ace, or C) Spoken for. Now, my vote’s between A and C, but feel free to update me on your sexual orientation.”
Mattsun flipped him off, sporting a sarcastic expression.
His phone then began to vibrate on the table. As quickly as they looked at the former middle blocker, everyone’s gaze shot toward the offending device, then back on him; expectantly. Despite his calm exterior the brunette felt his heart-rate spike, brow twitching at the childish looks and jeers he started getting, borderline peer-pressuring him to pick it up.
After a few seconds of continuous ringing, Kunimi huffed in mild annoyance for him to, “Answer it, already.”
Maki added fuel to fire by saying, “Unless you want one of us to answer for you-” Mattsun snatched the phone off the table.
With the grace of a gorilla, he stood from the couch and quickly shuffled to the corner of the room. Answering it, he cleared his throat, face flushing at the chorus of snickers coming from behind him as he greeted you with a simple, but elated, “Hey.”
“Hey, ‘sei!”
“Hey,” he said again, breathing out a small chuckle. “Can’t sleep?”
You responded with your own chuckle. “Yeah, actually. I was wondering if you’d wanna maybe…ride around with me? I’m thinking McDonald’s. Oo! Or that wing place by campus, y’know, the one with the teriyaki flavor you liked? I think they don’t close until, like, 2am. Or…was it 1am?”
Mattsun snorted at your rambles, leaning against the wall as he let you continue. Unbeknownst to him, the guys were practically stacked on top of each other, stretching their ears to hear your voice. From what they could pick up, you sounded so upbeat, animated as you spoke. They watched in awe as their senior barely spoke but was engaged in whatever you were saying, nodding along and humming to let you know he was still listening. If he wasn’t faced the other way, they were certain they’d see a smitten expression on his face.
“Mhm.. mhm. Yeah, ‘m sure that squirrel really appreciated you sharing your almonds, baby.”
“BABY???” The group exclaimed.
The brunette jumped slightly, completely forgetting where he was for a moment there. He briefly looked over his shoulder before turning back towards the wall with a groan—Every single one of those bastards were either grinning or gaping in shock. Mattsun cursed under his breath. You made a noise of confusion.
“Are you with the guys? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt! We can totally chill another night if you-”
“Nah, was just about to leave. Think I’ve entertained these assholes long enough.” He grumbled, walking over to grab his jacket, but not before thumping Maki on the head; the latter hissed through his teeth in pain as he held the throbbing spot. “Rather be with you anyways. I’ll send the address, lemme know when you’re outside.”
“O-Oh, okay then!” You giggled, flattered. “I’ll see you soon. Love you!”
He turned back to look at the group, smug as they still watched him with disbelief painted on their faces as Mr. Non-committal was ditching them to hang with his commitment. Like he tried to tell them before, he didn’t need some thirsty randoms on the internet. He had you, and that’s more than enough.
“Love you too, [_____].” Then, he walks out. Leaving the room in even more chaos compared to when he first answered the phone, immediately on his ass as the scrambled after him for answers.
“[______]?????”
Who would’ve guessed their sweet, beloved volleyball manager from high school was the one getting visits from “The Punisher”.
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Within his inner circle, MAKI is usually overlooked. He’s not popular like Oikawa, nor jacked like Iwa, and he’s doesn’t have the whole ‘sexy aloof’ vibe like Mattsun. He’s just…tall. And funny—The ‘Pete Davidson’ of the group. At least, that’s what your friends called him. Somehow, once again during your outing with them at the mall the topic of your relationship became the focal point of the conversation, stretching their brains for why you were so enamored with a guy like him.
“He gotta be packin’. Like, I’m talking anaconda.”
“Type shit. Y’know what they say about them tall and skinny ones.”
You rolled your eyes, wry smirk spreading across your face as you busied yourself sifting through a clothes rack. The conspiratorial discussion had been going on for the past ten minutes, throwing anything and everything at the wall until something stuck—Meaning, waiting for you to confirm. “[_____]. Be honest. It’s ‘cause of his dick, right?”
A lady standing on the other side of the rack gasped in shock, face twisting up in revulsion as she clutched her purse before stomping away, scandalized. You snorted, peeking over your shoulder to raise an eyebrow at them while they struggled to suppress their childish merriment at the poor woman’s embarrassment.
“Quit it before they kick us out.” You attempted to sound stern, but there was no hiding your own amusement. One friend playfully nudged you while the other began to snicker. “And no, it’s not because of that. It’s a bonus, though.”
The first gasped, then exclaimed, “So it is big!”
“’m not finna start with you,” you replied looking back at the clothes, pretending not to know them as nearby customers gave the side-eye. Neither one paid any mind as they continued to gossip. “We have this conversation every time we go out. Give it a rest.”
“Not until you tell us what you see in him.”
“I mean, I get it, but then I look at his friends and…” she hissed through her teeth, shaking her head. “I’m just saying. You fumbled.”
“I’m not taking that from someone who slept with a door dasher just because they got the restaurant to put extra sauce in your bag.”
The guilty party gaped, “It wasn’t included in their instructions, they were a real one for that!”
“Still don’t know why you did it,” the other friend sighed. “The food was cold, and I’m certain they took some of my fries.”
“Shut up, we’re not talking about my poor life choices, we’re talking about [_____]’s.”
“Fuck you,” you laughed. “You two need to get off my man. You haven’t even properly met him yet. He’s a sweetheart, he treats me like royalty, and I don’t care what y’all say, that man is fine.”
“Please. You’re just dickmatized.”
“Enough about his dick already!”
Your outburst drew the attention of a nearby employee; the store manager. Even though she wore a professional smile, you could see death in her eyes. With a nervous smile, you gave an apologetic wave before quickly grabbing your friends by their arms and escorting yourselves out before you got banned. Your closet was getting full, anyways.
“Look…I know the guys I’ve dated in the past were…questionable. But, I really like this one. And I swear the pictures I showed you don’t do him justice, his goofy ass just never sits still.”
They looked skeptical, having heard that one before. You huffed.
“Alright. How about I invite him over tonight? That way you have a chance to get to know him better. And if you’re still iffy, then…then you’ll have to get over it because you love me dearly and want me to be happy and just because you don’t think he’s attractive doesn’t mean I don’t, he is very gorgeous to me-!”
“[_____], honey, breathe.”
You stopped to inhale, then concluded with a small, “Please?”
They exchanged another look of skepticism, until the second added one condition. “He better not show up empty-handed.”
When the doorbell rang, the mood instantly shifted in the room, your friends going silent and gazes sharp as they looked at your door. Unbeknownst to all of you, on the other side of the door, Maki shivered, confused where that sudden chill came from. You gave them an eager, though strained, smile before scampering over to greet your awaiting guest. Upon opening the door, your smile slowly dropped at the sight of Maki sipping out of a large styrofoam cup with the words 'Big Gulp' written on it, dressed casually in sweats and a beanie, appearing very empty-handed.
After he swallowed, he gave a drawled, "Yo."
Your eye twitched. "Takehiro." He hummed, taking another sip of his drink. "Remember that important thing we discussed over the phone? Literally the only thing I asked you not to be when you got here?"
He thought about it, taking note of the daggers you were shooting at his cup. Maki made a noise of realization. "Oh, right. I bought snacks too, buuut I accidentally ate ‘em all on the way. My bad. But, look," he shook the cup, "technically still not empty-handed."
A small part of you wanted to be mad, frustrated at the least...but there was no hiding the giggle you rewarded him with, of which turned into more giggles. With sigh, you stepped forward to wrap your arms around his middle in a hug. "You’re so dumb."
"Missed you, too." He playfully rolled his eyes, returning the hug and craning his neck to kiss your forehead. The two of you stood there for a moment, just basking in each other's warmth. But, the moment was short-lived when he gave a long, exaggerated exhale through his nose before murmuring, "Ready?"
"...No." You groaned.
"Damn, do they bite or something?"
"No, they’re just...unfiltered. I love them, don't get me wrong, but they can work on your nerves to an olympic degree. You'll see once we get inside...They're gonna ask about your dick, by the way. Just ignore it."
Maki snorted, bewildered. "I'll try my best."
"Also...try not to mention that...other thing."
"What other thing?"
"You know," you raised your brows, looking over your shoulder in case they were eavesdropping before softly continuing, "that post."
It took a second, but he eventually caught on to what you meant.
‘Takehiro Hanamaki. 6’0ft shameless manslut (affectionately) who’s taken the campus by storm with his rather...interesting side hobby that pretty much has every student reaching for their wallets and switching to incognito mode on their browsers. Who would’ve guessed that lanky, low-eyed beanpole had the talent to film such erotic content and put a whole industry to shame with just his smartphone and a couple LED lights? After getting past the paywall and binging his videos (for research) it’s safe to say this man is very much a power bottom, maybe even a top depending on his mood, with a fowl mouth that’s not afraid to moan like a porn star. Best $200 I’ve ever spent (FOR RESEARCH). Highly recommend if you’re interested in having the best guided orgasm of your life—Link is in the thread! Get that bag, king. 10/10.’
A shit-eating grin stretched across his face instantly. He bounced his eyebrows, leaning down to teasingly say, "Ohh. That post. What? Don't want 'em to know how I make my living? Or, you scared they'll find out you're my number one supporter, always touching themselves just behind the camera-"
"Hiro!" You hissed, face set ablaze as you looked over your shoulder again, anxious. He found your reaction cute, using the straw in his cup to poke your cheek. You huffed at him. "I don't want them to pry. I doubt they've seen it since they go to a different uni, and I'd like to keep it that way. Okay?"
He easily shrugged. “You’re the boss.”
You exhaled, relieved. “Thank you.” You turned to head back inside, knowing your friends were just itching to bombard Maki, however you were stopped when he grabbed your arm.
“But.”
“…But?”
“I’ll let the dick-related questions slide and keep my side hustle under wraps, but you have to do something for me in exchange for my good behavior.”
You tilted your head, nervous. “Like what?”
His grinned mischievously, eyes half-mast as he used his free hand to hold your jaw, making you gasp softly when he tilted your head back. “Instead of being behind the camera in my next video…my number one supporter has to be the star.”
You rapidly blinked, heat traveling throughout your body once you registered his words. Fumbling over your own, you didn’t have time to protest when the door behind you opens wide, revealing your impatient friends. Maki let go of your jaw and settled for wrapping his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close as he waved at them with the hand that still had the large cup in it.
“‘sup.” He flashed them a sly grin. Maki took in their shocked faces, hoping they were a good sign as he introduced himself. “[_____]’s told me a lot about you guys. Hope you didn’t mind me crashing your get together.”
They absolutely did not mind.
You weren’t lying—Those pictures you showed did him dirty. Nothing could’ve prepared them for the uno reverse that was Takehiro Hanamaki. From his lax posture and cozy demeanor, sleepers build and cute smile, it’s no wonder you were drawn to him. Plus he’s funny with a big dick (allegedly)?????
After you composed yourself, still reeling from your conversation earlier, you eventually mustered up a triumphant smile at your friends as they gaped up at Maki, speechless. “So? You guys still think I fumbled?”
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