#his desire for power is much more expansive than the things he actually does with it when he has it

[shredsandpatches]

probably shouldn't be reading about Doctor Faustus and religious trauma at 1 am but here's some good quotes: the top one is from top from Mark James Richard Scott, "'That’s hard': Christopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus and the Trauma of Reprobation" (Early Theatre 23.2, 9-20) and the bottom one is from David Bevington's intro to the play in the Norton Anthology of Renaissance Drama.

[dailyadventureprompts]

Hey Dapper! As an avid follower of- and equally avid inspiration-taker from your work, first of all, thank you for the work you've put into all this. It is a treasure-trove of knowledge and inspiration that has certainly made me very happy. Can I ask for your thoughts on Tharizdun? I've been trying to form a concept of it for in my own world, but I've had little success.

Monsters Reimagined: Tharizdun, the Whisperer in Darkness

Being the default "god of madness" Tharizdun brings together two of my enduring gripes with d&d: gods that no one would actually worship and the enduring legacy of depicting people with mental illness as dangerous lunatics devoid of empathy and reason.

As he currently exists in the DM's toolbox, the whole point of including Tharizdun in your campaign is to act as the powersource behind whichever final fantasy style endboss wants to start the apocalypse before unleashing a mass of offband lovecraftian tentacles. Derivative, trite, his singular desire to inspire others to end the world is MCU levels of failing to give villains proper motivations.

We can do better

TLDR: Far In the wildest depths of the astral sea the ur-god Tharizdun is formless and thoughtless, yet dreaming. Resembling nothing so much as a cosmic nebula of oily clouds, a vast and shapeless expanse of churning primordial chaos that pulses with synapses of psychic lighting containing a consciousness older than time itself. Like a sleeper beset with sleep paralysis the chained oblivion thrashes against a reality it can only barely perceive, sending shockwaves of destruction across the cosmos.

While scholars of all worlds debate the true origins and nature of Tharizdun they can agree on two things:

It is more powerful than all the pantheons of creation, and it is terrified.

Inspiration: I wasn't originally going to do a whole monsters reimagined on Tharizdun, instead simply gesturing on what Matt Mercer has done with the deity (using the roiling chaos as a throughline for much of his Exandrian worldbuilding) and leaving it at that.

Around the same time I got this ask though I was considering doing my own take on Azathoth, the so called "blind idiot god" of the lovecraft mythos, inspiration struck and I decided to alloy the two concepts into what I think is a stronger whole. There's a lot of overlap in the two formless horrors, partly due to Tharizdun being a d&d's attempt to dip its toe into eldritch horror, without quite understanding the thematic framework involved.

Like many other things ( Minorities, the sea, decay, air conditioning) Lovecraft was terrified of objective reality. This might sound like a joke, but fundamental to his mythos is the fear that earth and the white men that lived upon it were not the centre of the universe created by a loving god. Lovecraft lived in increasingly scientific times and the science supported the idea of a universe in which humanity's existence was the meaningless product of random chance. Azathoth was this anxiety embodied in its most extreme scale: the capital G god of the universe which sat in the middle of all creation that was not only uncaring towards humanity (as many of Lovecraft's creations were) but the embodiment of ultimate unthinking chaos.

Trying to port Azathoth (and most of the other lovecrafitan pantheon) doesn't work because the conceits of the genre fundamentally clash. D&D DOES propose a moral universe, and goes out of its way to simplify morality down to such a cartoonish level that it has objective answers. In Lovecraft the horror comes from the fact that the cultists and their fucked up alien gods exist, where as the moral christian god doesn't... in d&d there's no reason for the cultists to worship the fucked up alien gods because the regular gods are both existent and quite nice.

The default d&d cosmology has multiple infinite voids of chaos including limbo, the abyss, and the far realm. I've already given my take on one of these, but I wanted an alternative for the origins of the weird that wasn't specifically focused on entropic decay.

There's a fascinating (and very depressing) history over the term hysteria and the connotations of mental crisis with feminine fragility. The word itself comes from the greek word for womb and there's something about the idea of "primal birthing chaos" that's worth playing with insofar as it makes weird rightoids Jordan Peterson deeply afraid.

Taking these thoughts as well as my earlier gripes in mind, its going to take a bit of an overhaul to make Tharizdun/Azathoth as a credible antagonistic force for a campaign. Also, this might be my own bias as an author showing through here but I don't go in for the lovecrafitan "truths too terrible to be understood". I think the universe is a fundamentally knowable place and if things exist outside our means of perceiving them then we'll just bullrush through and work out a temporary explanation on our way.

Here's my Fix/Pitch: Both Tharizdun and Azathoth are supposed to represent primordial chaos and formless madness. D&D's less than stellar history with mental health issues aside, we know that "madness" isn't evil and it isn't the antithetical opposite of order: It's flawed reason, it's an inability to comprehend, and it's deeply scary for those going through it.

THAT ended up reminding me of a famous quote from lovecraft himself; "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown".

What if we make THAT FEAR into the god? Imagine the panicked sensation of being woken from the deepest slumber by a sudden noise, the door opening or a loud bang going off somewhere on your street..... the phantom horror of something touching you, crawling over you in the middle of the night before you have any of your senses or reason or memory to tell you that it's just your partner or your pet or your own bed sheets. That's the stuff sleep paralysis is made of and it's been haunting us humans since the dawn of time. It's also the same horror of being born, of being a non-thing and then coming into existence in fits and starts without any understanding of the world that you're now

Now imagine there's something out there in the astral sea, the plane of dreams and thoughts... powerful beyond all imagining but created without the ability to ever fully wake up. It is stuck in that first moment of existence because it may well have been the first thing to ever exist and it's been trapped in the shapeless nightmare of an infant since the dawn of time

THAT is how you make a god about the horror of the unknown. A god that is antagonistic to us because it is sacred of us, and it is scared because it has no way of knowing us, knowing the reality it inhabits beyond its own fear.

Adventure Hooks:

The greatest threat Tharizdun presents to most beings in the universe is having a nightmare about them. Through the inexplicable paths of sleep an individual's mind may find themselves connected to the entity's own... receiving terrible visions as the thinking clouds of Tharizdun's body churn in a variable brainstorm. Some aspect of this communion will be twisted into something terrible, birthed into the cosmos with the same shrieking fear and confusion that inspired its creation. Some desperate few seek out this communion, thinking in their hubris that they can give shape to Tharizdun's creation, that the terror beyond time suffers collaborators or requests. (Yes, I'm yoinking the dream-spawning ability of beholders. They were already weird enough before they started getting involved with dream stuff)

Despite being a living entity, Tharizdun is also a place, a plane unto itself streaking through the multiverse like a collossal ameoba through the primordial soup. There are landscapes within the god, whole continents that form and erode through seasons of surreality as the paroxyc titan dreams them into being. One can create portals into these landscapes, even fly a jammership across them, but the act of doing so invites an even more chaotic backlash than visiting the chained oblivion in dreams, letting its terror leak out into the waking worlds.

The name "chained oblivion" dates back to an eon when forces of celestial order attempted to keep Tharizdun contained in the hopes of preventing the escape of its creations or its contact with other minds. This period of the multiverse oft refereed to as the "Time of Quiet" sadly came to an end when the entity's bindings were shattered by a collective of villains and horrors today refereed to as the "Court of Fools" or "Troupe of the Final Void". The Troupe are a motley bunch, unable to agree on a theology but all wanting to pick at the slumbering titan like it was a scab on the skin of heaven. Some serenade Tharzidun with cacophonous music, others hurl saints and sacrifices into its body, some worship or hunt the god's offspring while others stab it with cosmic pokers, just to get a reaction. They want to wake the chained oblivion and don't care how much of the multiverse they have to burn to do it.

Like a mollusc producing pearls as a means of containing an irritating bit of grit, Tharizdun's roiling cosmic body will occasionally spit out an entire world or strange demiplanes as a means of dislodging something it could not pallet. While this has been the genesis of many realms both beautiful and terrible throughout the astral timeline, of late all these worlds worth taking have been colonized by the Troupe. Woe and pity to any mortal who calls such a world home, ruled over by tyrants who care only for destruction, unaware of a cosmos not coloured by Tharizdun's wake.

Titles: The chained oblivion, the spiraling titan, sire of stars, the Paroxsmal god, Lord of all Hysterics.

Signs: Stormclouds that look oily and churn with otherworldly light, formless nightmares and pervasive sleep paralysis, mass delusion, darkness that echoes with the god's muttering and the sound of distant flutes.

Worshippers: Ad hoc worship of Tharizdun tends to congregate around those who have received unwanted visions of the chained oblivion, as the harrowing experiance often bestows those that suffer it with an otherworldy weight to their words, to say nothing of occasional psychic powers. Many abberations likewise pay heed to the chained oblivion, either for directly giving them life or for its great and insuppressable power. Among these include Grell who refer to Tharizdun as "storm mother", The nightmarish Quori follow in the wake of the god's psychic emanations and make up a large faction of the court of fools, and the Kaorti, terrifying mage-things remade by exposure to the spiralling titan's heart who claim to be heralds for the entity.

Art

[terrence-silver]

If Terry was a father how many children do you think he'd want to have? As many beloved can give birth to?

He's a bit like those Russian nesting dolls, you know, there's layers here --- in the 80's, heirs might not have mattered all that much at all in the technical sense, I don't think, because guess what, Terry is the heir, and he's on top of the world, he's a Yuppie, he's a Billionaire, he's an Industrialist Tycoon CEO taking the piss out of his own criminal transgressions from the comfort of a bubble tub, he's hiring a teenage mercenary martial artist to harass some other kid out there for his personal amusement, times are good, business is booming, the economy is excellent, he has it all, he does whatever he wants, he can and does fool around and has a hell of a time doing it, he's large in charge and he isn't thinking in terms of mortality, the glory days ever coming to an end and someone potentially taking over in this phase of his life, because, lets be real, considering all of his charm, looks, skillsets and wealth, if he wanted to find someone, he could've, the very fact he didn't means he didn't want to, fueled by his own ego, business ventures and power. When you're sated, you're not thinking about hunger ever being a possibility. And in this era, he's more than sated. He has everything and he doesn't think he lacks anything. Or ever will, as for that matter.

Old man Terry? He might be pretty reconciled with the notion he won't ever have children; he regrets the fact more profoundly than he lets on but he accepted that idea in his mind and is pretty staunch on leaving his mark and legacy behind in other ways, that much is a given, be it through Cobra Kai, his students, his expansion, going global --- you name it.

Oh, but when beloved actually tells him they're pregnant for the first time ever? Or, even before that --- when he first starts fucking them? When he first meets them? And when he gets a taste of how good it feels? How good they feel? How good it feels to tie someone to yourself like that? Fill them so fully? Be in control of them? Possess them? Have a tangible clue that something irrevocably yours is growing inside of them because you put that there? Having created actual life? Your own connection to the future? Your stamp on the world? A heritage with your name on it? Terry can quickly jump from zero to a hundred and go from a lifetime of being a confirmed childless Playboy bachelor to wanting a brood of them all at once, yes. Can start out as simple as him thinking he's too high and mighty to ever need someone to inherit him because he's The Terry Silver and he's got the world under his bootheel, to wanting to just one because one man having one heir is the golden standard and he's rightfully entitled to having things his way and nothing gets in the way of the things he desires or set his eyes on, to wanting an heir and a spare because that's a rule even Kings of old adhered to, to wanting a whole dojo's worth of kids in the seventh decade of his life.

Gets real extreme real fast.

[kaigarax]

Lie

Or This is How to Under Stand

Rhya x Reader

Quote: "Fall in love with by understanding another."

It is of the utmost importance, regardless of someone’s age, gender or race, to be excellent in at least one thing. One must not merely excel at this single task but be fundamentally better than anyone else within similar circumstances attempting to accomplish that very same task and in a location relative to yours.

Of course, this entire theory can be ultimately tossed out and entirely forsaken if one does not wish to become important (in any way whatsoever) and hopes to maintain an ordinary life. It should be noted that by choosing to ignore this most radical and sensible piece of advice you are outright denying oneself of all human pleasures that fall into either category of dreams or desires.

This piece is, of course, only one of seven different instructionals to help guide you into a world of excellence. One should hope to not just entertain themselves with these pieces of work but look to apply them into their everyday life. Once again, it should be noted that all pieces should be read and thought on for a maximum absorption of the materials.

Now, without further ado, this is how to under stand.

---

“What’re you doing, (L/n)?” Rhya asks, taking a seat beside you and wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

The bar is loud and the chairs are kinda sticky but Rhya chooses to stay seated.

He always does.

At least when you’re there.

You don’t seem surprised by his sudden appearance, instead answering his question with one of your own, a grin on your face, “what do you think I’m doing?”

Rhya pouts, “I asked you first.”

“I suppose you did. Yeah.”

“So…”

You smile teasingly, “so?”

Rhya leans his head on your shoulder, “I just wanted to know how my favourite person was doing.”

“Yeah,” you say, “me too.”

But there’s a subtle shift in the beating of your heart that tells him otherwise. An ever so slight shift in your breathing and a brief moment of you stiffening beneath his hold. The situation is almost amusing for Rhya.

The relationship between you and Rhya has always been a strange one. Once strangers on different sides of a war. Now… companions? Friends? Acquaintances? Rhya isn’t all too sure. What he is sure of, on the other hand, is that he likes being around you. Feels as though you understand him better than others. Even better than some Elves.

It has something to do with your power. It must.

Rhya’s almost like a walking and breathing lie detector. He just can’t help but notice all the different symptoms of the human (or elf) body that give way to lies. Sometimes it even feels magical. Part of his abilities though there's nothing in his grimoire that would say otherwise.

You’re like him. You aren’t a walking lie detector but you might as well be. The expanse of your abilities is much more… vast. Creates an almost involuntary connection between yourself and the others.

“I’m surprised.” You suddenly proclaim, pushing Rhya off your shoulder and ordering another drink from the bartender.

“And what has surprised you, (L/n)?” Rhya asked, your surname slowly rolling off his lips.

“You,” you began.

“Me?”

“You, coming to a place like this.”

“Oh?” Rhya leans in towards you as you push a shot over for him to take, “and why wouldn’t I ‘come to a place like this’?”

“Because this,” you hold up your own shot glass, “is a place where people go to lie.”

“Now that,” Rhya cheers his cup against yours, “is something I can cheer to.”

The liquid, despite being cool, burns as it runs down his throat. Sits hotly in his stomach and leaves him feeling uneasy for a moment or two longer than he thought it would’ve. Rhya isn’t against indulging in mortal sin but doesn't actually do so unless the situation actually calls for it. Unless a pretty girl like you is the one offering him the drink in the first place.

“Another?” You ask.

Already?

Rhya nods along anyways.

The bartender leans in close to you and flashes a flirtatious smile, “what’re you hoping for sweetheart?”

The hot liquid seems to rumble in Rhya’s stomach as you lean forward, “the usual, Cliff.”

“Just for you?” His eyes flicker over to Rhya, “or one for your friend as well?”

“One for my friend too.”

The bartender nods and makes quick work to get the drinks prepared. He flitters across the bar and makes conversation with the other people seated around the bar.

Rhya's mouth feels sour. Probably just the aftertaste of the first shot. But that doesn't explain the strange pang in his chest or the anger rising up in his stomach. Or maybe it does? Rhya can’t be too sure. It’s definitely not his first time drinking but he’s never had a reaction like this before. Maybe it has something to do with the specific drink you gave him.

Maybe not.

“Friend?” Rhya asked, surprised with his own choice of words.

You smile knowingly, “yeah. He’s my friend. I like him.”

Rhya frowns, his eyes narrowing in on the man.

There doesn't seem to be anything all too special about the bartender. He’s not that attractive. Average at best. Really everything, from his aura to general vibe screams utterly ordinary. Not that there’s anything wrong with him, bring ordinary, it’s just that Rhya had always imagined you with someone more… spontaneous? Adventurous? Courageous.

Yeah. Courageous.

He always imagined you with someone courageous. Not a bartender for a bar in the middle of God knows where. You, afterall, deserve nothing less than the best.

You laugh, leaning in towards Rhya, “but I like you more~”

And that puts a smile on his face.

---

There had been plenty of women Rhya had canoodled with. Many he’d had the chance to court and take to bed but they all seem to suddenly become background noise compared to you. Actually, it feels as though almost everything in Rhya’s life has become background noise when you’re around.

There’s a promise in the back of his mind.

Something he needs to do.

But those words are quiet. Basically ignored as you lean closer towards him, your body warm pressed tightly against his own.

“That’s a lie.”

You stiffen beneath Rhya’s arms, your movements suddenly stopped. Rhya’s own heart seems to have stopped as well - almost as if waiting for the realization of his own words to finally kick in. For the weight of everything to suddenly strike him. It takes a moment - but only just a moment. Of course, that brief moment of hesitation doesn't show on his face as he lets out a low chuckle and pulls you closer towards himself.

He’s always, always, known when someone was lying. No matter how well they trained their bodies to stay calm, conditioned their minds to stay strong or told their hearts to be steady he always knew. Something about the shift in the magic, Rhya thinks, - as if their very essence has been moved.

Huh.

Rhya wonders if your own abilities are like his own.

Earlier that night he had speculated on them. Wondered about the specifics of how they might work. He’s never taken the chance to ask you though. Never wanted to show you another vulnerable side of himself. Isn’t certain if you’d want to show that side of yourself either so he never asks. Not when he’s too scared to know. And regardless of how you answer that question he’ll know.

He’ll know just as he knows that you’re lying right now.

Now, Rhya doesn’t exactly hate his abilities but it’s times like this where they seem more like a curse than they do a blessing. Actually, it’s a little impudent to call them a blessing at all. It’s almost a physical manifestation of the sins committed against them back before everything had happened as it was. A reminder to never let himself get too close.

But you’re different. You always have been. All Rhya has to do now is decide if that’s a good thing or not. You seem to be caught in the same internal debate. Perhaps, for once, stuck more in your feelings than his own.

Your abilities might be a little like his. A reminder of your bloodline. A burden you’ve been forced to carry for longer than you’ll ever know. He imagines you’ve had a rough life with abilities like yours. Like him, it’s not something you can just suddenly turn off, and it makes it harder for you to truly connect with other people. Abilities meant to torment the two of you in moments just like this.

“I-” you tail off.

“But that’s okay,” Rhya mumbles against your neck, his lips lingering on your soft skin as though he can’t bear to be without its touch, “your lies are different.” And they are. He just can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing.

Perhaps you know.

---

“What’re you thinking about, Rhya?” You ask, talking a breadths width away, the back of your hand brushing against his own.

Rhya smiles, “you can’t tell?”

You roll your eyes, “you know I can only feel another person’s feelings. Not their thoughts.”

“Oh, can you now?” Rhya smirks, “now isn’t that a shame.”

“Fine,” you huff, “be like that.” You break away from the path the two of you seemed to be walking and break off into the field of flowers. The flowers are bright and colourful, reminding Rhya of a time when everything was simpler. Make him feel as though you’re simply a girl and he’s simply a boy.

That there isn’t this seemingly insurmountable distance that’ll always be there between the two of you. That it isn’t written in the stars for you to be apart.

Your words ring loud and true in his ears.

Send a pang to his heart.

He makes his way towards you, pushing through the grassy fields. Rhya’s never been a big fan of grass. Not that he’s disliked it but it’s not exactly his favourite thing in the world. It’s nice against his back when he takes a nap but that’s about it. There’s nothing… special about it. Nothing that makes it stand out against everything else in this world.

“What ya got there?” Rhya asks.

You’re hunched over something as Rhya takes a seat beside you. He flashes you a lazy smile.

You smile, holding up a flower for Rhya to see.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Rhya says. Perhaps today will be the day he finally confesses his feelings for you.

Rhya practically stumbles out of his dream, waking up in the room the two of you ended up renting the night before. The bed creaks beneath him as he sits up, the blanket falling off his chest and pooling around his waist.

He looks over to the other side of the bed, surprised to see you there fiddling around with a bundle of strings.

The windows open slightly, allowing for a beam of light to hit you directly and allow you to see what you’re doing. He smiles. He never took you to be the considerate type.

“I love you.” Rhya says, the words slipping from his mouth. It seems as though speaking before thinking is becoming a bad habit for him. At least when he’s around you it is, but he doesn't mind it all too much.

You, on the other hand, don’t seem to be of the same opinion.

You don’t bother turning around but you do, for the briefest of moments, sit stunned. Halted momentarily before replying coolly, “I thought you said you were going to forget me as quickly as you could?”

“I am.”

“Then how are you going to easily forget me if you love me?” You ask, your voice laced in amusement as you weave the threads of string together.

Huh.

He hadn’t really thought that through. Though he’s always had a tendency to do and say things without thinking about everything properly.

Oh well.

He’d much rather do things one day at a time then spend his days wondering about ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’. Besides, you were here right now so why should he have to worry about you being gone?

“Rhya.”

Rhya pushes himself away from the edge of the bed and leans over to you. It’s barely an inch that he’s moved but he feels as though he’s suddenly traversed hundreds of miles. The movement in the bed causes the sheets to russell. When you turn to look at him he snatches the bundle of strings from your hand with a smirk.

Surprisingly, you don’t immediately move to attack him. In fact, you don’t move at all. Instead sitting frozen to the spot. He wonders if it’s because of his physical presence or emotional one.

You look so pretty like this. With your hair a mess from sleep and your eyes curious as they await for his next movement. Rhya thinks that you looked a little something like this when the two of you first met. He’d been attacking in the middle of the night and you, being the great Magic Knight you are, jumped out of bed to meet him in the midst of battle. If only he’d know just how important you’d end up becoming in his life.

He forgets just how pretty you are sometimes. He obviously always knows that you’re pretty but it’s moments like this that help remind him of your beauty. Simple moments. Moments like this.

He, more than anything, wonders what kind of life you must’ve led up until now with powers like yours. If you used it to your advantage (like he did) when working with and against others. If it did nothing but make you want to push others away. If it makes your stomach turn and your hands temple.

If it’s changed the way you feel about others.

If it’s changed the way you feel about him.

You know, perhaps even better than him, exactly how he feels. Exactly what he’s feeling right now. You don’t need to hear the loud pounding of his heart or feel the warmth of his cheeks like everyone else to know exactly how you make him feel. You don’t need to turn around and look at him like he wants you to.

“(Y/n).” He says, your name feeling almost soft as it leaves his lips.

Your response is slow. A simple “yes?”

And his eyes soften.

Fall in love by understanding another.

[derekscorner]

Kingdom Hearts: Recompletion Tangent

Intro

It's been a while since I had an actual KH Tangent barring my mad ravings about the cosmology. It was more about the random things I think about rather than an actual tangent.

Although both that post and this one have spun off from a literal shower thought. Anyone who has been through my tags before also knows that I've had issues with how the Nobodies were handled for a long time.

They're something that I truly consider better on paper than in execution. It may even be something that's near impossible to put into practice entirely.

They're too Human

The main reason for this is the corner it puts you in as a writer. These are supposed to be beings born lacking a heart, the core of what they were as a person. Their very emotions and connection to the world.

Back in the day the story went with this notion that the human nobodies act human based on memory. They can't feel emotion but they can remember having them.

For what reason they did so was more or less left up to your interpretation. What was made clear is that they're desperate to become "whole".

The reason for that is because they are slowly fading away. Even in the modern KH era I think that rule stands. Their black coats and crusade for Kingdom Hearts was to avoid fading back into the void.

A fate that Yen Sid brings up in KH2 when explaining the nobodies to Sora.

As far as execution goes the lesser nobodies do it perfectly. They move in otherworldly ways, come in a variety of shapes based on how strong their heart was as a person, and we see them speak yet we can't actually hear the voice. (when the dusk talks to Roxas)

Where the concept hits a hitch and finds itself in that writing corner I mentioned is with the human variants. You are stuck between portraying them as they're described which would be boring narratively due to lack of emotion.

They simply wouldn't react to anything.

So you're stuck having to make them act human which then pokes a hole in the concept. You could excuse Roxas and Namine since their "somebody" still existed. That connection was there and even before Days or DDD you see it affecting Roxas in Kh2 as well as Sora in CoM whether it's the GBA or PS2 version.

Likewise, Namine's face, powers and desire to belong in someone's heart is her connection to both Sora and Kairi at play.

"How is that a problem????"

Quite frankly my reader it's not. At least it wasn't back then. As I type this I may have to reconsider my initial stance and say that Nobodies as a concept work well when used once because it's the expansion that's the issue.

I say this specifically in regards to KH DDD, KH3, and beyond. We not only get the Organization back either in human form or nobody but how they act is all over the place.

Ienzo, Dilan, and Aeleus come back both human and supposedly remorseful. We don't see much of it since Dilan and Aeleus don't talk while Ienzo is far more sociable than he is feeling guilt.

Even is revealed to have became a nobody again yet the guilt he felt upon awakening human and chose to be a double agent of sorts.

This raises a lot of issues to me personally.

Firstly, they can just go between nobody and human. I'm not saying it's an easy process but it is exploitable. Not only did the memories carry over as if the nobody was just revived with a Phoenix Down but apparently emotion was too.

Secondly, it highlights how pointless having nobodies return was because they're acting the same as they were prior in KH2 but also the same as they would if human. There is no distinction between the human and the nobody.

Barring have-to examples like Xemnas or Ansem there is no reason to do what they did. Worse, someone like Xigbar not only can exploit this mechanic but he does.

Being the current host of Luxu means that Xigbar can not only reclaim his long lost keyblade (Xehanort's No Name) but still freely use the powers you gain as a nobody.

Luxu now has his heart, his weapon, a potential legion of nobodies, and other dark powers to more freely as he wises with dark corridors and his manipulation of space. (his own unique nobody power)

This also makes the whole weight of nobodies being able to develop a heart of their own feel cheap to me.

Them gaining a heart of their own makes the whole nobody concept cheap for me to be fair but it is a KH stable that anything can have a heart so I'll begrudgingly accept it.

But to just jump between man and monster without seemingly losing anything as it's portrayed in KH3 just irks me. It makes the decision to become a nobody again feel without risk.

Given the nature of Luxu you could ignore it once but for Even to just carry over everything when becoming Vexen 2.0 is a step too far.

I also ponder why nobodies would even obey the revived Organization because while emotionless the lesser nobodies are not mindless.

Seeing this makes me question why they weren't questioning their superiors. They can think, plan, and surely more than a few can spot bullsh*t when they see it.

My Point

By now you likely wonder what my point with all of this is. If you've read this blog before you likely expect me to offer a solution or rewrite.

That's the maddening thing my patient reader, I don't have to offer such a thing because my friend @blackosprey did years ago.

And it ties back into the other new mechanic introduced after KH2, recompletion.

See, when a heartless is destroyed in the right way the heart will be freed. The two ways we know of so far are using a keyblade or the light of Kingdom Hearts.

Once that heart is freed it'll find it's vanished body and if that body has become a nobody it'll wait until the nobody meets it's end.

In that moment the original person is revived. On the surface that can make the nobody concept feel cheaper because it's essentially a "get out of jail card" for dying.

A mechanic that Luxu is fully capable of abusing in the current narrative btw.

But here's the crazy thing. Osprey just occam razored the whole issue and I have never forgotten it.

Her idea? Just make that nobodies death permanent in some way.

For example, lets say that you recomplete Marluxia. In this amazing idea you'd still get Lauriam back but the ego that was "Marluxia" is gone.

Lauriam would revive without his memories of Marluxia.

It's the most perfect solution to every gripe I have about nobodies ever told to me. It almost angers me that this isn't a thing!

Yes, that's right, you're not reading me tear down Kingdom Hearts to vent or talk about how bad it is. I'm not going to claim I can do this better than Nomura.

No no. What you're reading is me losing my sh*t because I think about this often. Just imagine how much that adds to the story, this idea of Osprey's.

The Potential was There

Not only do you keep all the stuff added to nobodies after KH2 but you keep the weight of their ephemeral existence.

Hell, it makes their existences more tragic because they'd eventually gain hearts to feel the dread of such a death. Knowing full well they "as themselves" would vanish for the original to return.

Those outbursts of emotion in defeat, the desperation to claim Kingdom Hearts, it all just flows so much better.

Sure, you still have Luxu abusing this human to nobody system but that'd just be one person out of 13. (no I didn't count Xion since she's a replica)

Sure, Vexen's role in KH3 would need a tweak or two but that's easy to do. You could even add that to his motives because he not only "ceased to exist" but comes back to see what he couldn't finish in his research.

Or you can spin it so that Even actually is remorseful upon seeing Vexen's research.

The potential there is endless and I can't help but think about it often. I'm going to go scream about it into the void now.

GAHHHh (bye~)

[olasketches]

Hello....Can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from JJK? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Sorry if you've answered this question before....Thanks....

Hi there! and sure I never actually got to talk about why I love my favs so thank you for giving me an opportunity!

Sukuna

so fun fact! I actually started watching jjk because of gojo to see what's the hype all about but then sukuna showed up aaaaannd... I knew right then and there that this is MY guy. there was just something about him that drew me in. he intrigues me, makes my head spin. sukuna is evil (a devil incarnate some may say) but he's also more than that. he's not your typical villain. there's actually lots of contradictories and nuances to his character. he’s bloodthirsty but not hotheaded. he's apathetic but reads others like a book. he actually pays attention to his opponents, observers them, calculates their every move, spots their weaknesses while also encourages them and at times even praises them. also sukuna's unyielding sense of self is truly a thing of beauty. he does as he pleases and doesn't proclaim his strength to define himself. he doesn't need to prove anything nor does he seek to be understood. he's chosen to prioritise the self at the expanse of all connections, which allowed him to transcend humanity and became what we know as the king of curses. he's basically the epitome of all that is inherently wrong with humanity and jujutsu society as whole, to the point you can't even think of him as human, but rather, inhuman. or as yuuji would call him a curse "these guys are and will always be curses"... but here’s the thing, unlike mahito, sukuna was born human. and as much as he appears to be this self-serving, cunning and evil god-like being (well he is... definitely.. cunning, self-serving and evil those are all correct!! but god-like? I talked about it here) he still has "humanity". it's corrupted and twisted but well.. it's still THERE and that's actually what makes him so sinister in the end (but also so sooo appealing to me).

Yuuji

he's just THE BEST. I love this dude. one would think he's all sunshine and rainbows, but he's waayyy more than that. for one yuuji is a mess. a boy with a warped sense of self-worth and terrible identity issues who on top of that has a big disdain for his existence as a whole and yet still clings to life. he still manages to keep on going, regardless of what awaits him on the path he has paved... his determination is really something else. another thing I love about yuuji's character is that he’s not at all like your typical good natured, hero most protagonists are framed as. he doesn’t mind resorting to violence when the situation “calls” for it. he is actually someone who also relies on power and strength above everything else. yuuji doesn't really question his actions or the things jujutsu society tells him to do but that's because yuuji is a teenager. a confused teenager who just doesn't want to think too hard about the world he lives in so long as he has something to do. but then again... he's a teenager, which means he's still learning, he's still growing and despite his self hatred and the dwindling feeling of his self worth coupled with the burden he has to carry, yuuji keeps on living. and I think that's one of the most interesting and admirable things about his character. yuuji is completely selfless in his desires which has only made him suffer more as the story progressed, but the most selfish he has ever been is when he chose to live... and he still does btw. he is still choosing to keep living despite all the suffering and deaths it cost him. that's what makes this boy so special to me.

Megumi

now I'll admit, I thought megumi... was kindA bOring at first (little did I know he's been growing on me since day one). but then I GOT it. I had my 'oh' moment. I FINALLY understood!! megumi is kinda... a freak. boy goes unhinged when pushed too far. and I absolutely love those moments when he stops second guessing himself and goes completely off the rails. also there's just something about his character that makes me want to sit down and see what fucked up situation he is going to get himself into next and then watch him figure his way out of it lol anyway. megumi, just like yuuji, has a really low self esteem. he can be self sacrificial, but not because he has some 'hero complex'. megumi just doesn't value his own life the same way he values his loved ones' (tsumiki and yuuji). his major goal in life was to make sure he's sister is safe and well... we all know how that turned out. megumi is an implicitly suicidal character that also happened to have… quite a shitty life, which is why I want him him live. I want him to survive this and more importantly I want him to finally fight for HIMSELF and chose his own life in the end (honestly this person summed it up so much better than I could have <- this is essentially everything what I love about megumi's character).

as for my top 5 fav moments… damn it’s all gonna be sukuna isn't it ToT

1. sukuna’s possession of megumi (best plot twist EVER even tho we really should've seen coming)

2. sukuna and yuuji’s confrotation (their dynamic is actually one of my favourite things about jjk)

3. sukuna rampage in shibuya and then his conversation with jogo

4. yuuji confrontation with jumpei where yuuji ended up reaching out to him (I think that’s the moment that really made me fall in love with his character)

5. megumi during culling game (basically just unhinged and stressed baby)

[knifeeater]

director’s commentary for bruise pristine? >.< literally reread it this morning. thank u for my life ily <3

hi, ily 💕

so, little backstory, when i was listening to tvl on audiobook half awake i fever dreamed a combination of the lestat & armand palais de royal fight/tower scene where they actually hate fucked to the point that i was of the hard conviction it actually truly happened in canon for like half a year. daniel molloy tv programme voice 'can he make his dream a reality?'

smth i really wanted to focus on was fear and resentment, not only because it is so defining for their dynamic, but also becomes smth metaphysical, transmutating, erotic. it helped me to understand their characters so much by reading them through the prisms of each other, and the absent gravity well of louis between them. their initial encounter figures to me as a violent turning point in both of their vampiric existences that hooks upon their opposing forces. for armand, who's a creature of the mind and lives an almost disembodied, quasi-spiritual interned life to this point is broken down by lestat's physical violence, the first thing that truly touches him in centuries, a crack that opens him to the horrors of his past. lestat has lived his life so far through the power of his body, his strength as the sword he uses to cut through the world to pave his way. armand's mental powers are something he can not physically grasp or defend himself from, reaching somewhere inside he does not want to go because he needs to keep himself contained, a horror of loss of control that reaches back far into his past as well. this power of armand as something ephemeral and uncanny is what made me realize that this is, for lestat, what the witches' place revolves around, so that is where he sinks in his delirium at the end ('sorcière, feu d'un ange de la mort' - 'witch, fire of an angel of death').

i love a slide on spatial & temporal registers, so the repetitive framing device of the rain and the trees came very easy, the dark forest full of wolves, the savage garden, paradise lost, indifferent nature, ruins and history, sacrificial blood and the living grave. the mask of death was a small allusion to the mask of red death and the king in yellow, the facade of civility and nobility lestat likes to keep up and the beatific, static face armand puts on, rotting away. when they come together they're naked, so to speak, broken down and bare. lestat has none of his physical strength and armand's mind is frayed and vulnerable. because of louis, the gravity centre of both of their worlds, who is always in the rafters in this. it was interesting to me, that the only way they could come together was in that broken down state and to frame their encounter around both of them losing their center with no one but each other to blame.

i also just really wanted some top on top violence. lestat's masculinity is so very fragile and hinges on him occupying a dominant role, so it was extremely fun to break that down a bit and have that desire for submission be pleasurable exactly IN the shame and debasement that comes with it, while not losing his bite. this kind of violent sexuality is something very unique to them and opened up a potential for dissolving the limits of the vampiric body in vulnerability/expansion, in the way that violence and erotics and emotion rip apart and grow into each other. it was way more dynamic and visceral than what i usually write for loumand, really enjoyed the change of pace.

last 'fun' fact to close this out, 'neutral, static life' comes from having read clarice lispector's 'the passion according to g.h.' at the time and integrating her idea of losing the ego in the processes of life, emptying out the superiority of vampire blood and mixing it into the soil.

[ntls-24722]

so answering that ask made me realize how weird my attachment to DJ is. not the attachment itself, but the character.

like look at this thing. look at his face. he and regular music man deviates so far from cawthon's normally more cartoonish style for humans. He feels way more human than he has any right to be. He really does look like an grown, bald man. with the way i play with him like a doll, it's like the fnaf version of those walter white shitposts where they turn him into a catboy

but i digress

again with these 2. can you tell i like pterosaurs?

Also, i tried to give him some clothing where whether or not it's clothing or a part of his body is ambiguous. Kind of like a Who from horton hears a who

So, Miguel has some biases. Though that's not Woolfe in the second picture, I haven't introduced him yet. But now I will! Beware of much blood and gorey details.

Miguel is not a dangerous place. There are no monsters or something trying to kill you, and there isn't even the threat of starvation or dehydration. There is just the long hallways, the expansive rolling hills. Miguel is generally harmless, due to her nature (up until very recently) of observing rather than interacting.

That is, until she wants to.

There are no dangers in Miguel except for two scenarios: Someone is in there who personally wants you dead, or Miguel personally wants you dead. Raoul Bennett combines both scenarios!

(I cannot believe he is the first character in this universe who I've given a last name.)

His thing was that he kind of had homicidal thoughts and a desire for a rush or whatever the hell serial killers feel and while he didn't act on it before, he did get stuck in Miguel and after getting stuck there for months the sensory deprivation and the way time blurred and how everything felt meaningless put gasoline to the flame and made it worse to the point where he actually did go out and start killing people after he got out.

But when it came to hide the bodies, he would bring them to Miguel and leave them there, but then he'd get stuck and get deprived of the high and the cycle just kinda repeated itself over and over again. He kind of had a weird cathartic relationship with Miguel even though he kind of hated it in there.

Miguel... kinda just let it happen. She didn't really care about humanity for a very long time, and while she did find them interesting, she also didn't care very much about their wellbeing. That and she actually did have an interest with Raoul on account of him bringing bodies in.

By chance he found Cameron and Woolfe in there and he was kind of interested in him with just... how weirdly joyous Cameron was and the kind of power he had in Miguel, alongside Woolfe's so he started trying to make the attempt to befriend them. They actually got along quite quickly and they started meeting up both inside Miguel and in reality. He had started to visit miguel more than he usually had for years.

However, by the time Raoul had been coming back more frequently to meet Cameron, Miguel had begun to realize the unsavory nature of what he was using her for, and had begun to concoct something for him.

On some random day without Woolfe, Raoul remembered that Cameron's alone with him without any sort of protection, and now that there was the change where the exit was far more visible, after killing Cameron he wouldn't be stuck there for months. Without really much of a plan (he didn't exactly need one) he decided to target Cameron and would've been successful in killing him if Cameron didn't barricade himself from Raoul.

Miguel has a rule in place where she cannot make things change under direct eye contact, and now that Cameron was hidden behind a door, when Raoul came bursting through, she had bait and switched the room for another - a sublevel that worked less as a seperate level but more like a mini Miguel.

It was one room. One tiny room with knives to an axe hung on the wall.

And man, was it itchy.

She had essentially planned out this gimmick where when Raoul was trapped there, whenever he had thought of how itchy he was or scratched it, it'd get twice as worse, but as much as it was a mild inconvenience at first, it stacks up quick.

The feeling of a nuisance turned to the feeling of insects crawling beneath his flesh, turned to outright agony as his nails weren't enough anymore, but the serrated edge of the knife was, until he realized if he took the axe and took off his arm, he wouldn't feel pain in that arm anymore. So he did.

Slicing away pieces of himself, Miguel wouldn't let him die, but he still bled, bled so much that it filled the room up to his hypothetical ankles - Hypothetical, since he tore off his legs and they weren't exactly upright anymore. But eventually, he no longer had anything to tear off, nor anything to pick up the axe with. But he still was in agony.

He stayed like that, unable to move or tear at the skin that hated him like this, with each second the pain growing worse, for maybe 20 years.

Miguel brought him back, with all 4 limbs and as pristine and perfect as he was, right at the moment before he opened the door to try and kill Cameron. There was nothing but a little note on the door asking him if he wanted to continue.

Raoul, smartly, did not, and he never returned to Miguel or his life of crime.

might need to draw this ngl

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 4: The Gleeman

Welcome back, my pretties. Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was a day. Today is trying to be in the same mold but we'll see what happens. Anyway, this is a very spoiler-heavy reread of the series, so if you don't want spoilers, now is your time to flee!

[The cloak] was really quite thick, Rand saw, despite what Master al’Vere had said, with the patches merely sewn on like decorations.

This is of course a hint that Thom is not a regular gleeman but a former court bard and isn't just self-aggrandizing when he says as much later. When you consider that he hasn't had such a lofty title nearly the entirety of Rand's life though, the good quality of his cloak is a bit more impressive.

He wondered if there was a place where nobody had dark eyes. Maybe Lan comes from there, too.

Rand's only seen Lan for thirty seconds and he's already desperate to be adopted by him. Poor Tam, getting tossed aside so quickly for the edgier Blademaster with the even cooler Aiel War-related backstory. I'm sure Rand'll come crawling back eventually Tam, but only once he's been internalized some horrible lessons.

The yokels in that village on the hill tell me I can get here before dark, neglecting to say that that was only if I left well before noon.

Oh. My feelings that something significant was going on with this were completely silly. Thom just got punked. LOL.

Egwene’s face was a study, her goggle-eyed amaze at a gleeman in the flesh marred by a desire to defend Nynaeve. “Your pardon, Master Gleeman,” Rand said. He knew he was grinning foolishly, himself. “That was our Wisdom, and—”

Interesting that Rand doesn't appreciate that he and Egwene are having literally the exact same reaction, only Egwene is passive and he's active.

“So. I thought I recognized Padan Fain in there.” His voice was still deep, but the resonance had gone, replaced by scorn. “Fain was always one to carry bad news quickly, and the worse, the faster. There’s more raven in him than man.”

Jordan is usually quite good at making the world feel large and expansive, but this particular detail makes it feel rather small.

Egwene was glaring at him, and he had not even smiled.

Because your silence at your friends' bad behavior (they're not wrong that Thom's just playing her, but jeez) is douchey and implies you agree that it's laughable she might be very pretty.

“But the war,” Mat began eagerly, only to be cut off by Master Merrilin.

It's no surprise Mat ended up being the general and strategist, since he really does love the idea of it long before he gets super powers.

Not with your full growth on you yet, but I doubt there’s another man in the district with your height.

There isn't, but why do you all keep calling the region a district? It implies an administrative perspective that this region is utterly lacking. And of course, two sentences later we get our first actual instance of someone saying Rand looks Aiel.

“Well, now. Made-up creatures from my stories. Is that what they are? You lads are widely traveled, then, it seems.”

It's a rather interesting thing about this series that rumors about mundane or at least relatively mundane things are almost invariably so distorted as to be completely wrong, while nearly everything said about magical things is perfectly true.

[Egwene] broke off, her cheeks turning pink, and the look she gave Thom Merrilin was not as friendly as it had been. “It is not right to make. . . . It isn’t. . . .” Her face went redder, and she fell silent.

Since I pointed out last chapter that Egwene isn't a super awesome friend on average, I will give her a small amount of points here for standing up for the village shitheads who laugh at her.

Tales of great wars and great heroes, for the men and boys.

More of Jordan's unconscious sexism. His world has plenty of women who are heroes, and you'd think there'd be plenty of gals who want to hear about them, and farmboys who wouldn't mind hearing a rags to riches story of some strapping young cowherder winning the heart of a noblewoman and spending the rest of his days in luxury.

The Thousand Tales of Anla, the Wise Counselor.

You might think it's unlikely that Third Agers would remember Ann Landers, defunct newspaper personality, but OBVIOUSLY what happened was is that some microfiche in a library basement archive survived the nuclear war and since it was the most complete relic of the old days the early channelers and they preserved it very well through their age. You all must feel pretty silly for not being able to extract the UNQUESTIONABLE canon from this single sentence.

She had never liked stories about adventures and long journeys. Her favorites were always the funny ones, or stories about women outwitting people who were supposed to be smarter than everyone else. He was sure she had asked for tales about Lenn and Salya to put a burr under his shirt.

Or maybe because she's planning on going on some travels of her own she's looking for reassurance? Like, whatever happens to John Glenn and Sally Ride in the stories has to be a thousand times worse than any reasonable event that might happen to Egwene on the friendly country roads.

Ages when men ruled the heavens and the stars, and Ages when man roamed as brother to the animals. Ages of wonder, and Ages of horror. Ages ended by fire raining from the skies, and Ages doomed by snow and ice covering land and sea.

Silly Thom, even if I take you seriously I suspect that you're not going back any further than the late seventh age, when humanity was paleolithic and the climate was icy.

Oh and right after this he lists a bunch of other first age tales. If you can't recognize these you're even sillier than I feared.

For a moment Thom looked at Moiraine sideways, his face and body still except for making the balls disappear into his capacious coat sleeves. Then he bowed to her, holding his cloak wide. “Your pardon, but you are surely not from this district?”

"Dammit kids, I just told you I don't do Aes Sedai! Why didn't you tell me that there was one visiting?"

Suddenly Rand wondered what sort of entertainment a lady like her might be offered in a city like Baerlon, or Caemlyn. Surely it could not be anything better than a gleeman.

Rand clearly wasn't listening, or more likely not believing, when Thom told him outright he used to be a court bard.

“I assure you, none of my stories will displease. All will please and entertain. And you do me too much honor. I am a simple gleeman; that and nothing more.”

Rand is of course missing that Thom and Moiraine are having two or possibly three simultaneous conversations (at least one where they're making damn sure neither outs the other and possibly another I'm too thick to suss out on top of that), though he does recognize what Thom feels about the situation.

“Is he supposed to be a gleeman or a king?” Cenn Buie asked in annoyed tones. “A waste of good money, if you ask me.” Bran al’Vere half turned after the gleeman, then shook his head. “That man may be more trouble than he’s worth.”

Y'all haven't let him have a smoke and a drink and you're bitching? I can see why you don't get gleemen very often. They probably come the once, see how unfriendly you lot are, and realize they should never return.

Rand knew there must be some way to stop her from leaving the Two Rivers, but the only way he could think of was not one he was prepared to take, even if she was willing.

Good thing Rand's not book OR show Perrin, or he'd have an entirely different idea of how to stop Egwene from leaving.

“I’ve never seen Master al’Vere so mad,” was the first thing Rand said, getting him a disgusted look from Mat.

Mat sees him this mad about two or three times a month and is deeply disappointed that Rand doesn't dedicate himself to the art of pranking like Mat does.

“Battles interest me,” Mat said, and Perrin added, “What did he say about them?”

More good Mat foreshadowing. Not a whole lot going on with Perrin - I feel like Luhhan being the guy who can make Buie see reason is supposed to nod towards the kind of guy Perrin is meant to become, but he never becomes that guy so that's a moot point, innit?

The war is in Ghealdan, and the Aes Sedai are the Light knows where, but none of it is here. The man in the black cloak is, or have you forgotten him already?

The war is about a False Dragon (and the real one is here). An Aes Sedai showed up yesterday evening. And while Rand is right that the Shadowspawn are the real problem, at this point he's a little silly for not worrying that the rider is the false Dragon on the run, using saidin to appear and disappear at will. So he's right and wrong on every count; quite an achievement.

He could already hear Master al’Vere laughing. More witnesses certainly could not hurt. And if three of them had seen the fellow, others had to have, too. They must have.

This doesn't necessarily follow, but lucky for Rand in this particular case it does.

The peddler’s team munched their oats in eight stalls, and Master al’Vere’s massive Dhurrans, the team he hired out when farmers had hauling beyond the abilities of their own horses, filled six more, but only three others were occupied.

ONLY seventeen stalls occupied. This inn and stable are REALLY old if "only seventeen" is the way of phrasing things. They must have expected quite a few more horses back in the day.

“Father,” he said finally, “I don’t understand why the Council had to question Padan Fain.”

It's a good thing he's not a corrupting nightmare yet, or the whole of Emond's FIeld would be screwed.

They chose us for the Village Council because they trust we can reason things out in the best way for everybody. They trust our opinions. Even Cenn’s, which doesn’t say much for the rest of us, I suppose. At any rate, they will hear there isn’t anything to worry about, and they’ll believe it.

Here's some Perrin foreshadowing: in three books the mindless sheep of the Two Rivers will be looking to him and him alone for their opinions instead of the elected officials. Joy!

(Shame the timeline doesn't work to blame Fain for everyone's collectively throwing away their brains the way Elaida did.)

When Haral Luhhan mentioned Perrin jumping shadows, though, it all came out. Jon Thane’s oldest son saw him, too, and so did Samel Crawe’s boy, Bandry.

Moiraine might be behind the Shadow in narrowing down the region, but she is way ahead in narrowing down the candidates. Myrdraal don't seem to be as smart as they should be.

There was nothing the black-cloaked horseman could do that the people of Emond’s Field could not handle together.

Oh sweet, innocent Rand you naive little lamb. You gormless ray of sunshine. You absolute Ann Perkins. Your town is about to get FUCKED.

But that's next chapter. See you then!

[semi-imaginary-place]

I finished 5.0. I enjoyed it the writing for msq has been continually improving and 5.0 is better than any of the x.0 but it's overrated. people talk as if it's one of the best stories ever and no it's not. It's good for an mmo but on it's own merits it's not an excellent story. I'd put 5.0 on par with octopath traveler 1, 5.0 does have it's moments. The amurot section in general is my favorite, and 5.0 tells a lot of good mini arcs like the relationship between yshtola and the nights blessed or the war between crystalarium and eulmore. I liked how things have wrapped back around to gods, aether, and primals.

But it's also quite messy like the other expansions and a lot of little things feel forced like something is happening for the plot to move forward instead of having the progression and in universe justification. I can see what the writers are trying to do but the execution isn't quite there, like with the talos the devs wanted everyone to come together and achieve something. so if i don't think about the details it's a nice story but the more i think about it the more problems there are. or another way to put it the outline is fine the elevator pitch is great, but the details and execution and actual writing leave something to be desired. The writing is indeed better but I'm not sure I'd call it good yet, 5.0 does have it's moments, but I think the biggest different between 2.0 and 5.0 is that shb is much flashier, it's showy and with fun animations and voice acting and actual cutscenes and has modern music just on the showmanship aspect and production value of course people are going to like it more. It also has fleshed out storylines. But looking at the flaws on shb no wonder ffxvi is a trainwreck, but a flashy trainwreck.

I love Feo Ul but they are just so plot breakingly powerful it's a little ridiculous, feo ul ex machina.

Like 3.0, 5.0 has very interesting concepts from subverting the light dark dynamic established in the same game to it's themes of memory, sacrifice, and ghosts seen in the various ruins if the game voebrite and amurot in particular, to it's major characters crystal exarch, emet-selch, and ardbert.

On sacrifice. Emet-selch is portrayed as being wrong to sacrifice all life to the shards to resurrect the ancients, that he shouldn't sacrifice the present lives to try and restore a lost past. But ironworks sacrificing an entire timeline is framed as noble with g'raha and the player character carrying on their hopes. When that doomed timeline also chose to give up on it's current people and devote everything to restoring the past. The best way I have come to reconcile this this sacrifice of the self vs sacrificing others like the ascians are trying to do. There's a strong theme of sacrifice overall in 5.0, outside of emet-selch and Ironworks there's also the ancients in general sacrificing half their survivors to create Zodiak and half again to bring life back to the world, and then the dissenting faction sacrificing their lives to create Hydaelyn. There's G'raha's attempted sacrifice his life and his dreams to save the player character's life and tke the light with him. There's the soldiers that died protecting the Crystarium from sin eaters and Eulmore.

The theme of ghosts is the one I find most interesting. So many parts if the past that should be dead linger in this story. There's all the ruins throughout Noverant from voebrite in Ill Mheg to the old kingdom in Amh Areng and finally Amurot and the ancients themselves. ardbert and emy have a lot of parallels. Both are ghosts in some sense, remnants of time past. They are both existences that should no longer be but are still here, bound to tasks not yet complete. Both are weary but unable to rest, like seriously the two most depressed characters in shb and they both give depression monologues. Both have failed their duties somehow. They continue on, they have work to be done, their role not yet finished. And then there are those who are haunted. The crystal exarch too is a ghost in a sense ||outliving his original timeline. And all 3 have been changed in some way. Hades confined in a hyur form and thralled to zodiark. G'raha with his body partly crystallized. And Ardbert is a literal ghost besides being a figurative one. || And then there are those who are haunted, whether by death or by failure it comes with most of the world ending.

Everyone in 5.0 has depression.

And so ardbert, emet-selch, and the crystal exarch the primarily characters if 5.0 all reflect each other. They are people out of place and out of time, from an era past. They are all tied by duty and this duty involves the player character in some way. None of them are where they want to be, whether that be physically, temporally or metaphorically. All of them act for what is best for the universe and more than that are motivated by making things "right" they have a vision of how the world should be which is tied to the past. The crystal exarch literally time traveled back to the past o fix things the ascians are fixated on restoring their lost ancient brethren and the world the lost, and Ardbert less so but reflects on how places have changed as the player journeys across noverant. And they are haunted by their failures especially emet-selch and ardbert. These parallels would have been further highlighted if the crystal exarch also died, but he hasn't.

death, loss

[nirahsaooc]

So I’ve completed the main story of Diablo 4 and it was definitely interesting. It to me in ways feels like what Diablo 2 may have been like if they’d had the tech and desire to do a much more in depth story. Not that Diablo 2′s story isn’t good, just that it is a product of its time. Where gameplay was the primary thing with the story as the means to that gameplay.

The ending does seem to be setting up for an additional expansion and such, but it makes sense given what was resolved in this story versus what is still unresolved.

Below the Read More are more blatant spoilers for the game with some of my thoughts.

First of all Mephisto in this is just a delightful son of a bitch to me. Because he’s a Prime Evil you keep thinking, “Is he lying to me? What’s his game?” But he actually plays it very straight, he doesn’t really lie at all to you because he knows the truth is more motivating. Towards the end he even lampshades this saying, “I won’t lie to you, there will come a time when we are enemies. But right now, we need each other.”

The game in general is full of both hope and despair, you meet good people that are just trying to survive, and evil people that are just trying to take advantage of the situation. As well as people that were once heroes and have fallen to corruption and despair. Often because Lilith has sweet honeyed words, she knows how to tug on your desires, your hopes and dreams to the point you start to wonder “Is she right? Does she have a better idea of what to do?” But Lorath dispels this by pointing out how she is the Daughter of Hatred, Hatred is in her nature and motivates how she does things. In the end she may think her path is better but it will still be a path of hatred and not love.

Inarius wasn’t any better than Lilith, he was an arrogant angel full of vanity and so sure of what he had to to do to get back into the heaven. He wasn’t here to protect Sanctuary, we were just tools for him, a means to an end. And he didn’t even realize in the end that Heaven was silent to him because of his betrayal in making sanctuary, and that he can’t just undo that with more death.

It was interesting how the game in ways points out the folly of looking to Prophecy. Basically how no one can figure such things out, multiple different characters tried and they all had very different ideas of what the Prophecy meant and how it would end. They were all wrong, because their own innate bias let them twist the bias to fit perfectly with their world view

Also....

Holy Crap was I wrong, Diablo did not show up at all...in a Diablo game. I mean if they do any additional story via expansions or anything he undoubtedly will, but its the first time Diablo has not been the End Boss in a Diablo Game.

One of my favorite lines your character gives in the game is when Neyrelle asks you if you ever feel like you can’t do anything right, if it all feels for nothing. You respond with. “More than I’d like to admit. They call me hero. But underneath, I’m still the same person I always was. Powerful, sure. But flawed, too.”

[wsdalt]

(this post is going to make it very obvious I have adhd—guys I will try very hard to keep everything neat and with a logical flow but also at the time of writing this I’m half asleep. so please bear with me)

first let’s start with disconnected from the general world around him. a lot of this is going to rely on my own headcanoning but I do have an expansion to this thought

I think a lot of the disconnect comes from him being a saint but I’m going to direct you to this post about felps and narrative agency because this in itself can cause a sort of disconnect in a “if your actions aren’t influencing the world, why bother making them” way

In this post I go a little into Felps’ backstory as I headcanon it but the short of it is that he died and became a saint before fuga

I have this headcanon for two reasons:

while felps doesn’t know exactly what he is, he’s most heavily associated with saint imagery + that’s the term he uses for himself most often (and by extension this is the term used by others). As far as I’m aware the whole deal with saints is that they are humans with some connection to divinity and that they’re usually canonised after death. I figured he wasn’t going to get canonised as a prison guard so… assuming that’s how he survived when cell killed him, it had to have happened beforehand (you could make the argument it happened after fuga and him surviving was due to something else but I am not going to make that argument here pfft)

this also allows him to be a saint during fuga, but it isn’t something he’s dealt with/been aware of his whole life. he was very much a human and spent most of his life before fuga as a human. now he isn’t.

Felps’ role in fuga is fairly passive—when he acts it’s on the behalf of someone else (Cell). In qsmp’s version of fuga we also know he was present during the leg eating scene, but we don’t have any confirmation he did anything at all besides be there

It’s very indicative of the dichotomy of him being both present (human) and disconnected (saint). He’s present enough for Pac to remember it, but he is not an active player in the scene whatsoever

If he knew he was a saint in fuga era I don’t believe he knew what to do with that. I think for him being a saint is very strange—saints are supposed to be dead, but he’s alive and that’s what fuels this difference. He was human—and he had human desires, and interests, and goals, and relationships, and all that. He remembers being human, and all that has stuck with him because he’s certainly still alive and has better things to do than be a saint

but at the same time he is a saint now. and that has fundamentally effected how he interacts with the world. I wouldn’t say anything cell got him to do was saintly, but in a way he’s still fulfilling that role of someone who does something on behalf of another person

in qsmp era we have him missing out on large chunks of time and this is explained by me as him being asleep. But also I think this is him sort of… actually doing saint stuff? Being dragged away from being human to do saint stuff which he doesn’t remember once he wakes up

I don’t care about meta reasons for this, but in universe it is kind of neat that felps’ longer periods of falling asleep coincide with the word of him being a saint being spread around. I think the reason he was a saint for so long but his powers/abilities didn’t really activate until partway through qsmp (roughly 8 years gap between fuga and qsmp) is because he kind of got away from the system by being alive still—but then people started praying to him and it dragged him back in. The more people pray to him, the more it legitimises him as a saint and all that

in the prison stream—arguably the stream where the cc leans into the saint stuff the most—he doesn’t have a facecam or chat on screen. this is very different to how he usually plays and to me symbolises the link between sainthood and a disconnect from the world/lack of humanity

(I know some people turn facecams off to do heavy roleplay but Felps has never done that before and is usually quite expressive/does a lot of physical acting + this wasn’t heavy roleplay. I think it’s fair to take facecams into account when analysing characters so the sudden lack of a facecam combined with the saint stuff ramping up feels like a way to create distance between the character and the world around him. in universe I think this would be shown by felps being a lot more blank than usual)

felps is a character who does a lot because of love. his biggest arc was to get Richas another life to the extent that he would sacrifice his relationships and his own life. he is certainly not disconnected from his emotions* but the world keeps moving on without him

*(except, maybe, when he’s blessing people in the prison stream or when he tries to get away from heavy negative ones but that’s a different post. Or it’s the same post but I don’t have the words to get into it)

you can even draw this to before he was kidnapped and put in a coma—the stream before he got kidnapped started with him catching up on all the things he missed by being gone just for four days (this gap was explained by him as him being in a coma and I like to think it sets the precedent for him being gone for longer periods of time. Maybe he’s very used to occasional 4 day sleeps, but as mentioned above the more he is prayed to the longer he stays asleep…). in both the federation escape stream and the prison stream he’s shocked about how much time passed while he was in a coma/asleep and actively doesn’t believe it for a while

to me he very much reads as a character who’s grasping onto every scrap of humanity he still has left while his status as a saint fundamentally sets him apart from the world just enough for it to matter. he’s struggling to balance his identity as a saint and his identity as someone who was human and still feels human

thank you for reading \o/ I hope this all makes sense oops

it’s important to me to portray felps as a character who is both achingly human and very disconnected from the general world around him and struggling to navigate both of those situations

[malarki]

Harry Potter FanFiction I greatly enjoy (it’s just tomarry and sevitus)

Fair warning, I’m not good at describing stuff, and most of these are not complete (yet) but if you have similar tastes as I do then you’ll definitely like these stories.

Meddling of a Mischief Maker - by Athy

https://archiveofourown.org/works/5380535/chapters/12427268

I enjoy this fic because it shows a more human Voldemort with him still being an asshole as per usual. They do a good job of having Voldemort believably change into a not crazy murderous bastard haha. It also has Sirius interacting with Voldemort and for some reason I find those scenes hilarious in any fic I read.

“Harry's being a horcrux is a bit reworked here in this AU Story set during the summer after 5th year. A Mischief Maker intervenes in the Ministry during Voldemort and Dumbledore's duel, changing the course history. MorallyGrey!Dumbledore, Sirius, Restored Souls, HP/TR”

Draw Me After You (Let Us Run) - by ToAStranger @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22327684/chapters/53334382

This story is a delight, it’s tone is very good and they do a great job of writing in the characters ‘voices’ for their pov’s. I especially like the posh way Voldemort talks and acts. This story is also hilarious on top of just being a very good slowburn, AND it has Sirius, which as you might have guessed, I love dearly. They also don’t bash any of the characters, and instead make them well rounded but flawed individuals, which I really appreciate.

“Harry Potter,” comes the soft, sibilant hiss of a voice he has heard in his dreams, in his nightmares, in his waking hours for years.

Slowly, carefully, Harry twists over and pushes up onto his hands and knees. He stays there, short breath fogging in front of his face, and his pursuer lets him. Harry has no doubt of that; he’s being allowed this respite. This small moment to catch his bearings, heart pounding in his ears, blood singing.

“It seems I have finally caught you.”

Consuming Shadows - by Child_OTKW @childotkw

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040089/chapters/16011331

I’ve read two of childOTKW’s fics and both of them are fantastically written and attention grabbing stories. This one was the first one I read, and it has a very interesting take on lily Potter (one which I really enjoy) and the plot can leave you on the edge of your seat at times. The characterization is great, and the process of Harry and Tom getting to know each other is done very well.

“His attention skipped passed the students and moved to the politicians’ pavilion. His gaze locked with crimson, and he nearly faltered under the sheer hunger in those eyes.

It unnerved him how fixated the man was on his dirtied, exhausted figure.

But what troubled him more was the slight smirk he could make out on the man’s lips. It was almost pleased.

On the night of the attack, Lily managed to escape with her infant son, but at the cost of her husband’s life. Distraught and distrusting of her friends, she fled to France with Harry, to raise him away from the corruption in Britain and the rising influence of the Dark Lord. She trains him to the best of her abilities, shaping him into a dangerous, intelligent and powerful wizard.

But when Britain re-establishes the Triwizard Tournament, and Harry is forced to return to his once-home, he finds himself questioning whether he really wants to kill the Dark Lord. Voldemort finds an unexpected challenge in the child, and as his intrigue and amusement grows, so too does the desire to possess the spark in those defiant green eyes.”

A story that is kind of similar but not really: The Train to Nowhere

You Belong To Me (I Belong To You) - by child_OTKW

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270490/chapters/25203408

This is a story inspired by the manwha ‘At The End Of The Road’ by Haribo. A comic I read before reading this, which is very good I recommend it. They do not take the exact plot from the comic though, obviously changing significant details for it to work properly as a Tomarry Fic, but one main thing stays the same, which is that this is a body swap. Honestly I really enjoy childOTKW’s works, and this is no exception. The characterization is wonderful as always, and Harry is Fantastic. Plus I’ve always been a fan of time travel fics. (Fair warning this is another slow burn and Harry centric)

“What I find absolutely fascinating,” Riddle said, stalking closer, “is you.” He marched forward, backing Harry up until he was pinned to the cool wall of the common room. “Do you know why?”

“No. And I’ll be honest here, Riddle, I don’t particularly care.”

The taller boy grinned at him, small yet infinitely pleased. “That. Right there.” One hand rose and brushed some of Harry’s fringe from his face. “Nathan Ciro was a spineless little boy too afraid of his own shadow to dare even glance in my direction. But you…”

He leaned closer, “You look at me like you want to stab me.”

“After an accident, Auror Harry Potter wakes up in the body of fourteen year old Nathan Ciro, a tormented Slytherin who recently tried to end his own life. Seeking answers to his strange predicament, Harry returns to Hogwarts, and causes quite the stir through staff and students - especially when they come to realise he is not the same boy as before.

He tries to avoid suspicion, but as his quest for the truth draws more and more attention to him, Harry begins to think that he might not like what he will discover.”

Some Bonus AU tomarry

A Thousand Paths Among The Stars - by Haplessshippo @haplesshippo

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015060/chapters/27191238

This is a star trek au and it’s honestly my favorite tomarry au fic. Granted, I am a huge sci-fi fan. There’s also a bit of a twist at the end, or at least it surprised me, due to the way we usually expect tomarry plots to go.

“Harry Potter, newly appointed Captain of the Marauder and son of the famous Captain James Potter, was falling apart at the seams. His crew didn’t respect him, he was lost in the empty expanse of space, nightmares plagued his sleep, and his Commander deserved the Captain position more than he did. Good thing multiple attempts on his life and a vicious warlord after his head was all it took to turn it all around.

Alternatively, that space fic in which Harry Potter almost dies too many times, Tom Riddle slowly becomes the most smitten fool on the ship, and the rest of the crew are all just a bunch of assholes with popcorn watching the show. And exploding ships, don't forget the exploding ships.”

The Matchmaker - by TanninTele

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16507676/chapters/38664089

I am ALSO a huge true crime fan, and this story has a criminal that kinda reminds me of one that might appear in Hannibal (but with less murder). I enjoy the characterization, though tom is pretty tame in this compared to more cannon fics, considering he’s not the criminal and instead an investigator. Harry is also different from how people usually portray him, but I still like it.

“'The Matchmaker' is a serial abductor whose modus operandi consists of pairing two same-sex individuals together in a coffin, six feet underground - buried alive. He isn't a killer. He's a kidnapper with morals, and Detective Chief Inspector Tom Riddle finds himself obsessed with solving the case.

Unfortunately for Tom, the Matchmaker is just as intent on knowing him.”

And on to the Sevitus Stories

Far Beyond A Promise Kept - by oliversnape

https://archiveofourown.org/works/547431/chapters/974693

A classic, Harry stays with snape and unintentionally proves all his assumptions wrong and makes snape care about him. Both the stories have this aspect, but this one has snape a bit nicer from the get go. Probably because it takes place during the third book, so they’ve only known each other two years. It’s quite wholesome though, and I rather enjoy the progression of their relationship.

“Snape never wanted anyone to know of his promise to Dumbledore, but has realised that he can protect Potter much better by taking a less passive role in the boy's training. Actually liking Harry Potter has never been part of his plan. mentor/guardian.”

Crime And Punishment - by melolcatsi

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24102232/chapters/58018174

Snape and Harry have way more of a rocky start in this one, and Snape having to pick Harry up from the police station Really Doesn’t Help Snape’s opinion of him. This story very realistically shows the progression of their relationship, going from enemies to family, and near the ‘end’ (it’s not finished) it becomes very wholesome with Snape trying to help Harry with his mental and physical health after years of abuse/ neglect.

“Harry is accused of burglary. The Dursleys leave him to rot. Dumbledore sends Snape to remedy the situation. Harry finds himself in the care of an irate Snape. Not slash, gen-fic w/ focus on Sevitus relationship. Angst galore. Warnings: coarse and suggestive language, mentions of abuse/neglect. Un-betaed and un-Britpicked.”

[narrativelysignificantturtleduck]

so a while ago @volkswagonblues left a reply on this post saying that jeong jeong was an example of "someone who is ideologically 'right' but whose character is absolutely not likeable, or at least not in the mainstream fandom-popular way". i started writing this response, but i totally forgot it was in my drafts until i wrote my iroh analysis. it doesn't seem right for me to have an iroh analysis post and not a jeong jeong one so here it is, the jeong jeong character analysis nobody asked for:

volkswagonblues's response hits on exactly why i find his character so fascinating - he's good, but he's absolutely not nice or well-adjusted about it. and he's definitely not mainstream-fandom "likable". it's rare that i see hate for one of my minor character faves (one of the benefits of having them), but i have actually seen people say they don't like jeong jeong. mostly, it centers around him being "wrong" about firebending, as opposed to the sun warriors. i can see where that comes from. jeong jeong has the noticable accent and proverb-y speeches of the ~mystical asian master~ trope, but his viewpoint comes off as pretty harsh and simplistic. this can confuse an audience expecting easy answers from a kids show - are you supposed to see him as wise or not? for me, i think asking "are jeong jeong's beliefs wrong?" is the wrong question. instead, you should ask: "why does jeong jeong have those beliefs?"

and the more you think about that, the more you see that he isn't actually wrong. firebending is the only type of bending where the bender produces the element from their own body rather than using their surroundings. it is someone imposing their will on the world, even more so than the other forms of bending. iroh sums this up nicely:

"Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy to drive and achieve what they want."

there's nothing wrong with that in theory, but in the show, this drive and power manifests as the fire nation's imperialist conquest, and the goal they're trying to achieve is world domination. as a former high-ranking military official, jeong jeong has seen firsthand the ways firebenders use their power to hurt people. the culmination of the fire nation's ideology is a plan to burn the entire earth kingdom to the ground - exactly the kind of wide-scale destruction he describes in his first cautionary speech:

"Without the bender, a rock will not throw itself! But fire will spread and destroy everything in its path if one does not have the will to control it!"

you could say that firebending is misused by the fire nation, but that feels like a No True Scotsman fallacy ("that's not true firebending!"). the fact is, firebending's unique qualities fall in line with the nation's imperialist ideology. jeong jeong hates his bending because it is inextricably tied to the war he hates.

like many, i once thought a trip to the sun warriors would be healing for jeong jeong, but i've since realized that's not what he needs. jeong jeong is perfectly aware that firebending isn't always destructive - he counsels restraint and control, not total suppression, and he even alludes to sun warrior beliefs:

"Feel the heat of the sun. It is the greatest source of fire. Yet, it is in complete balance with nature!"

going to see some dragons who tell him that firebending is about the sun and life won't change his mind. 'of course it's not inherently evil,' he'll say. 'but it has been used in terrible ways'. his feelings aren't about firebending in the abstract. they're about firebending as it is used. that it has the capacity to support an ideology of conquest, that he and others have given into its destructive side and committed such atrocities with it. he's right to hate that. (i also feel like he'd resent the sun warrior civilization for their isolationism. i mean, i would, if i'd put my life on the line to fight against my nation and it turned out there were a bunch of people who agreed with me but did nothing about it.)

so if jeong jeong and the sun warriors aren't philosophically opposed (except re: their involvement in the war), why does his view of firebending seem so much harsher? because - and here we come back to the original point - he's not likeable. he's a strict teacher and plenty of us (especially if we were kids when we watched the show) have a knee-jerk negative reaction to that. his speeches about the danger of fire are grandiose. but here's the thing: the speech where he says the most derogatory things about firebending is not one where he's teaching. it's one where he opens up to katara:

"I've always wished I were blessed like you - free from this burning curse."

this reveal that he wants to be a waterbender means that everything he says to her about his bending is less about what he believes about firebending in general and more about his own personal struggles. and in that context, it's heartbreaking:

"It forces those of us burdened with its care to walk a razor's edge between humanity and savagery. Eventually, we are torn apart."

this is the core of it all - jeong jeong doesn't just hate the fire nation and its war, he hates himself, hates that he holds that destructive power inside him. he doesn't seem to struggle with the act of bending (another reason why the sun warriors wouldn't necessarily be any help) but he clearly doesn't want to do it, probably because it reminds him of when he did terrible things with it. no wonder he calls it a curse.

and so here's what we're left with: jeong jeong leaves the fire nation military because he is right that the war is wrong, and he counsels control and restraint in opposition to the imperialist ideology of constant expansion and conquest. however, he is severely traumatized and full of guilt from his participation in said imperialist conquest, and that means he comes off as harsh and overly negative. right, but not likeable.

while i was writing this post, i was rewatching a lot of clips from the show, and i got curious about his voice actor, who i suspected was actually asian (unlike most of the voice actors). it turned out i was correct - his name is keone young, and he's had a very long career - but he's hawaiian and doesn't have the accent that probably made me guess that. he has this to say about how he portrays the one-dimensional accented characters he often plays:

“I want to portray that person with an accent who is real instead of a stereotyped version of it," he said. "I’ve always wanted to see myself as the one the story revolved around so that it was my story not your story. I always try to convey I have some kind of philosophy or point of view.”

(read the full interview here)

i bring this up because while i think jeong jeong's memorability can partially be attributed to the atla writers giving him a cool backstory and dramatic lines, what keone young says here about taking a character who's a bit of a stereotype and making them seem real, with their own philosophy and point of view...well, that's exactly jeong jeong. despite his limited screentime, we get a clear picture of who he is and what he believes. and who he is is someone who fully embodies his radically anti-imperialist politics, who has come to his beliefs from traumatic experience that's made him bitter. as the atla renaissance pushes us to reevaluate these children's cartoon characters with older eyes and modern-day politics, it's worth looking at a striking minor character like jeong jeong, who might not be fandom-likable but who has a lot of depth to offer and a perspective worth considering.

[erimeows]

Dreaming Of You

Rough, grey lips on his, large servos resting on his hips, and ruby red optics trained on his sky blue ones seemed to haunt Optimus’s dreams more and more.

Maybe it was some weird manifestation of the new stress that had come to his life since Megatron had been rebuilt, or maybe it was just the deep, dark desires he had for the affection he’d been craving for so many light years finally taking over his processor and giving themselves away to him in the form of Megatron of all mechs.

Either way, he hated it; the dreams. They were too risque and too much about a Decepticon he should’ve absolutely despised for him to confide in any of his teammates about it, but they were too incessant to get rid of, so he was simply... Stuck.

Optimus was sure that he was dying inside when he jolted awake on the living room couch, sitting straight up as his optics shot open. This dream had been particularly bad; something blurry about him and Megatron sharing a berth, him tangled up in the warlord’s arms and falling asleep against his chest.

Weirdly enough, he found himself craving that.

Due to the sheer everything happening on planet earth, he had been so stressed that he hadn’t been able to recharge properly, and all he wanted was another bot to lull him to sleep, maybe cuddle with him a bit and sing to him or tell him a story, but he didn’t have anyone like that, humans were too small and hard to socialize with, and his team was off limits since they were technically subordinates.

He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep on the couch until he woke up there, clearly panicked until his optics landed on Bumblebee, who was staring at him with a concerned look etched into his face plates.

Optimus knew that, considering the dream he just had, he probably looked like he’d seen a ghost- though that probably would’ve been better than what actually happened. Falling asleep on the couch had most definitely been a result of his exhaustion, because all he remembered was that one second, he was sitting on the couch to calm down, and the next, he was asleep.

”Optimus? Bossbot? Prime? You good?” Bumblebee asked, getting up and in Optimus’s face. The red and blue bot could only stand up and shake his head.

”Uh... Yeah. Definitely... Just don’t think I’ll be recharging for a while-” After realizing what he said, he quickly cut himself off with a sharp sigh before continuing again. “Never mind. I’m going on a walk.”

With that, Optimus left, ignoring any of the stares he got from his teammates as he walked outside the base, and walked, and walked. He didn’t even think about where he was going, simply listening to his instincts and allowing them to guide him. 

The walk had been intended to clear his head, but as he reached a weirdly familiar looking forest, he realized that his thoughts were only growing more and more convoluted, spark pounding against his chest plates.

Oh, shit. He was right by the Decepticon base.

Why would his processor- no, his spark, he could feel it- lead him here of all places? What the hell was wrong with him? He was almost certain that his exhaustion was making him go crazy.

Right when he thought the situation couldn’t get any worse, he heard a deep, smooth, baritone voice in his audials that made them twitch.

“Autobot... How did you find me?” When Optimus turned around, Megatron was just... There. Sitting on the grass, back against a tree, arms crossed over his chest and one leg crossed over the other in front of him. “Why are you not fighting me?”

That was a good question. Megatron was just staring at him, too, clearly waiting, ruby burning into sky blue, almost as if the Decepticon was challenging him with his optics, a smirk on his kissable lips. Optimus knew he should’ve either ran or tried to apprehend Megatron right there, but he found that he couldn’t even move.

Their relationship was weird. Even though they were sworn enemies, all Optimus could do during battle was stare at him, and Megatron did the same in return- it was almost as if there was some sort of draw that they had to each other, but as hard as he tried to resist it, it wouldn’t go away, and he was sick of resisting it.

“Megatron.”

“I feel as if I should be concerned,” Megatron mumbled, sitting up again and quirking an optical ridge. “You aren’t fighting me, but I also don’t feel inclined to attack you, and you seem exhausted... Do you need to recharge? I’ll be surprised if you don’t drop to the ground any nanoklik now.”

“Mhm,” Was all Optimus could give in response, able to feel himself grow increasingly drowsy with each second that passed. Megatron’s voice only made it worse, and before he even realized what he was doing, Optimus found himself laying on the ground next to Megatron and laying his head over the warlord’s warm thighs, optics fluttering shut.

It was wrong, and he was sure it would come to bite him in the ass, but it was also exactly what he needed. 

“What the hell... Alright. This is fine, I suppose, we can do this and then pretend it never happened... Just for a little while,” Megatron sighed and rested a servo on Optimus’s helm, gently petting one of the Autobot’s audials, and though it was a touch far more intimate than it should’ve been, he couldn’t help how his engines purred at the affection he’d been craving from another since he arrived on earth. “I could even tell you a story. Once upon a time, on a planet far away, there was a strong, powerful warlord with a cold spark, but that all changes when...”

And, as Optimus fell into recharge, he found that the last thing he heard was Megatron’s voice in his audials, lulling him to sleep- just like he needed.

When Optimus Prime woke up, he was no longer laying on the ground of the forest with his head rested across the expanse of Megatron’s thick thighs, but on the berth in Ratchet’s med bay, the team medic hovering around him, optics raking up and down his chassis.

All he could remember was sleeping on Megatron, but if he was in the med bay-

Optics wide, the Prime looked at himself up and down. No bandages, no wounds, no pain anywhere... Actually, he felt perfectly fine minus the lingering sleepiness, so why was he here?

“Prime, what happened?” Ratchet demanded, sitting down at the stool next to the med berth and scrutinizing Optimus carefully.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You stormed off base and everyone was concerned when you didn’t come back after a few hours, so we split into teams and came looking for you. I found you in that forest near the Decepticon base a day later, sleeping on Megatron of all mechs,” A day. He’d slept for an entire day, and his teammates had caught him... He could only hope and pray that they didn’t realize exactly what was going on with him. “So what happened? Did he incapacitate you or did you do it... Willingly? You were out for a while.”

“I uh... I don’t know how to describe it,” Optimus murmured, not wanting to admit that it was fully optional and that he’d given in to his newfound desire to have Megatron, if only for a little bit. “I was just so tired when I left. I don’t know... Don’t remember anything too clearly, I probably stayed in recharge for so long because I was exhausted. Actually, I still feel pretty tired, but is everyone okay? Did anything else happen?”

“Yeah, they’re fine. Megatron left as soon as he saw us, the cowardly dolt... It was weird though, that he didn’t kidnap you or try to attack any of us- you were asleep, and it was just me and Sari, so he could’ve overpowered us if he played his cards right. Maybe he was in a rush to get somewhere else.”

“Makes sense.”

And no, it didn’t make sense- nothing Megatron had done during the course of that made sense; not him being so kind to Optimus, letting him sleep on his lap, telling him a berthtime story, and sparing his teammates- all of it was weird and fucked up, and he found that he almost missed when things were simpler, when Megatron was nothing but a blown up body and a half-working helm in Isaac Sumdac’s basement-lab.

“I doubt that it’s anything serious, but I have a couple questions for you, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Go ahead,” Optimus tried to act calm, but his face plates were burning red and his vents were producing nervous crackles that were loud enough for both he and Ratchet to hear.

“Have you had any odd dreams recently during your recharges? Since Megatron got his body rebuilt, I mean.”

“Uh... Yeah,” The blue and red bot trailed off, gulping.

How did Ratchet know? Was he that obvious?

“Tell me about them.”

“I’d rather not-”

“Trust me, it’s important that I know these things. Medic’s honor, I won’t disclose what you’re about to tell me to anyone.”

“I have a lot of dreams about Megatron,” Optimus confessed with a sigh. Surprisingly, Ratchet looked like he was almost expecting that answer, nodding. “Mostly just meeting him in that forest or a berth, sleeping... Sometimes we talk and do other more unmentionable things.”

“I wonder...” The medic paused with a hum and tapped his digits against the med berth.

“Just what are you thinking, Ratchet?”

“It’s incredibly rare, but occasionally, when two Cybertronians who have a lot of chemistry encounter each other, they develop what’s known as a spark pull. It’s nothing like a spark bond- not even close, but it just means that the two are uniquely bound to each other in a way until they either bond or have a falling out that kills their chemistry. It’s like the soulmate concept that Sari and some of the other humans talk about in their romantic stories.”

“So... What does that mean? Am I going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to get rid of it?” Optimus asked, tilting his head. He was a bit panicked, as this was a whole new thing that he didn’t know how to handle, but at least there was a somewhat scientific explanation for his feelings instead of them just existing. 

“There’s no need to worry about it, Prime, you’re perfectly healthy minus the lack of rest you get- which you need to work on, by the way- but you’ll be fine. Unless you bond with Megatron- you better not- there’s no getting rid of it, considering that the two of you should already hate each other.”

“I, um... Symptoms? Are there any aside from what I already know?”

“There hasn’t been a lot of research done on it since bonding is generally looked down upon in Autobot City where all of our medical studies get funded on Cybertron, but from what I’ve seen and heard... You’ll intuitively be able to ‘feel’ where Megatron is when he’s in close proximity, have a desire to go near and look at him whenever possible, have dreams about him like you’ve already been experiencing, and going through a sort of physical and mental ‘weakness’ when he’s around- from what you’ve described, your weakness is just allowing yourself to be vulnerable and relaxed around him, which is actually quite common... Shame you can’t allow yourself to do that with who he is, but it is what it is.”

It was a lot to take in all at once, but Optimus found that he handled it surprisingly well as he stood up from the med berth and stretched his joints.

“Anything else I should know?” 

There was something new lighting his spark; a pounding, circuit-wrenching want that began to consume him. Now that he knew where his feelings were stemming from, he couldn’t help but want to interact with Megatron again, just to see if the older mech was feeling what he was feeling, and to see if he knew what was going on between the two of them as well.

His instinct was telling him to go back to the forest.

“No, that about covers it, so you’re free to go whenever... But Prime?”

“Yeah?” The blue and red bot looked at Ratchet, who was staring right into his spark, it seemed.

“Don’t go after him when you leave. I know you want to.”

“...Okay.”

Only, that’s exactly what Optimus did. The second he was out of the med bay, he was sneaking out through one of the hallway windows and running as if his life depended on it, passing through the busy city scenery of Detroit until he reached the more rural area that the forest was located in. He was staring at the ground as he ran so fast that his engines were revving with the force it took to keep him going, but he got so consumed in where his spark was telling him to go that  he bumped into someone-

“Be more careful, you insolent f-...” Megatron’s voice flooded his audials the second that the older mech’s arms were wrapped around his small body to catch him, pulling him against a hard, broad chest. Optimus looked up at the warlord, optics going wide and face burning bright red. Oh, it’s just you, little Autobot... How did you find me again?”

Megatron’s question was filled with confusion, those ruby red optics slightly squinted and full of uncertainty.

“I, uh... Do you know what spark pulls are?” Optimus stammered and earned a groan from the Decepticon in return.

“You’re kidding.”

“I wish I were, but no one else is here and that nap last time was the best recharge I’ve had in lightyears. Do you mind?”

“...I suppose not,” Megatron sighed and let go of Optimus, then moved to lay down on the grass and stare up at the clouds. Optimus, albeit a bit awkwardly, laid down next to the mech, resting his helm on his chest- right over the purple, glaring Decepticon symbol that he should’ve detested, but instead found himself cuddling into.

“Why don’t you finish that story you started the other day?”

“A-Alright, but only because I’m feeling quite generous today. As I’d been saying last time, once upon a time, on a planet far away, there was a strong, powerful warlord with a cold spark, but that all changes when he meets a kind, passionate warrior from an opposing faction. At first, the two are against each other, but the warlord quickly realizes that something about the warrior has caught his interest, and before he knows it, he’s falling in love...”

Before Optimus could pipe up and ask any questions, he was falling into a peaceful recharge yet again, dreams of Megatron already plaguing his processor.

[sarenhale]

Just watched the Endwalker trailer.... I am super excited but also heavily thinking about the expansion, and what it will mean for Zenos as a character.

Long ass thoughts under the cut.

He’s posed as the final boss here, the big bad guy, but it made me think a lot when the game and some characters explicitly say: “Maybe Zenos isn’t even our final obstacle, the final days will be’. Which also leads me to think that Zenos is just... well, vibing and thriving in the destruction, but that he could not be the reason the final days are happening and everything is going to shit.

He sure as hell is enabling things to happen, but I don’t know if I believe that he’s the instigator and the one behind the idea. I think he’s more of the opportunist taking advantage of chaos and delirium to act his plan of the final hunt, but I think it has been made clear enough that he doesn’t exactly care about Eorzea ending or wars happening to create an intricate plan such as the one put in motion by Fandaniel, he just wants to relive the hunt with his first friend and enemy once again. (Which don’t get me started, it’s so fucking sad man, don’t make me think about it or I’ll tear up...)

This led me to think ... where will this character go? What will happen? I am VERY torn about this, mostly because SE has done an incredible job at keeping everyone guessing and surprising people everytime with the story. 

Could Zenos end up being an ally? Could he be spared? Can he come to reason? I see people even mentioning that he could be a Scion... I honestly really don’t see that happening, the man is batshit insane and as much as I love him, he doesn’t give a shit about Eorzea or helping the world, and I’m sure 99% of the Scions despise him or just want to see him dead. He won’t be a Scion, that would be really out of character for everyone. (For him to be one, for everyone to accept him as such)

But I do wonder if he will end up being spared, or changing his mind. Maybe being a ‘neutral’ force? Maybe even temporarily allying with the WoL (and only with the Wol, he doesn’t care about the others) to prevent him from dying, because he doesn’t actually want his rival and friend to die. A ‘villain turned ally out of necessity’ situation with him would be cool, and would make sense if he wanted to protect the Wol temporarily from another foe, even for just ‘being the one that has to kill / defeat them’. He’s very possessive over the Wol, I feel like.

I just hope we won’t have to kill him... he’s one of my favourite characters now, so I would honestly be DEVASTATED to see him go, even if I perfectly know he would deserve it and everyone would probably be happy if he did. But I just can’t help thinking about how much I love this character, his story, what he implies, what he represents, all the things he carries with him... I feel like Endwalker will surely give us a lot of content for him, which I am excited and happy about, but I just wish we could not kill him so we get to see more.

This is where I get conflicted because my realist side tells me we already got a fake death, even if we DID kill him, and fight him with the intent to kill. He managed to escape death though, and came back. I just think it would be a bit unrealistic to have him escape death once again, and even more unrealistic having him being an ally. One could argue we already have examples of Garlean villains turned allies, with Nero, Cid and Gaius, but like... they weren’t like this.

What I love about Zenos is also what makes him unreedemable.

Zenos is mad. Zenos doesn’t give a shit about anyone, about life, death, people, slaughtering innocents, about Eorzea, hell, he doesn’t even give a crap about the world ENDING if it means he can have a final dance with his beast. And I LOVE all these unique parts about him, but I also realize those parts are what make imagining him surviving so hard, considering the circumstances. 

Cid, Nero and Gaius weren’t mad with power. Sure, they all did bad things, but you don’t see them talking about how they just wanted to fight one person to feel an emotion and destroyed countries and people for that reason. The others had reasons behind their actions (as bad as those reasons could be, their actions were still guided by logic), Zenos doesn’t. Zenos is a feral animal and follows his istincts, that’s why I find it so hard to imagine him as someone who is not a villain. I would LOVE for him to be saved, to have someone give him a chance, my humane (and emphatic ass) wants someone to take a chance on him also because I feel so close to his struggle, but my realistic side says ‘Yeah, it’s not gonna happen’. 

As much as I love this character and would like him not to die, I also realize he did horrible things and slaughtered innocents without even thinking about it. I went back to check on dialogues of people talking about facing him in the war, and man it’s bad. People basically describe how he wouldn’t even find enjoyement in killing people or winning wars, but how we was just ‘looking for a feeling’ even on the battlefield, while destroying people’s hopes and dreams in Doma and all Yangxia. It’s bad. It’s REAL bad. Sometimes I forget how... bad this character is.

“...I do not think there was any joy in it. Nor justice, nor morality, nor meaning. To him, the weight of one life is no different from that of a thousand.  A challenge had been issued and was accepted. But on finding us no challenge at all, his objective changed. There were tales of imperial soldiers being flayed for slaughtering families. For breaking brave men’s spirits. Only later did I come to understand why. He did not desire obedience. He desired hate… and men consumed by it.  A new battle. A new enemy. A new challenge. The hunt, I am told he called it. A hunt without end. And when all our best lay dead and broken, he left. He left, muttering that we had “bored” him. But our weapons, at least, held his interest. For he took a fallen samurai’s sword, having grown… fond of it. Since that day, he has ever wielded Far Eastern blades. He is said to be fascinated by ones with storied histories, and so soldiers who seek to to curry his favor often present those of defeated enemies as gifts.

Lyse: It’s like all a game to him. People are suffering -- dying -- and he’s collecting swords? “

But man. I don’t know what Endwalker has in store for me, for Zenos, but I sure hope maybe something can happen where he doesn’t die. I don’t know how the fuck that would happen, maybe we would need to see more of him and understand his story/his side better, and see if he actually does want to work with the WoL side by side instead of just fighting him. Maybe that can happen, he does care about the WoL after all, and he knows enjoyement and thrill will come out of being with them. I just don’t know how that could realistically *WORK*... But I sure does hope there’s some kind of compromise, where he maybe just can reflect on his actions and do something about them.

This is my stupid ‘I see too much of myself in Zenos to talk rationally’ self talking, but I am so sad at seeing a character that has struggles and grew up feeling nothing but apathy, being loved by no one, end up like a villain again. Having to just be put down like a feral animal. Again. 

I guess my stupid ass would just like him to be happy, found peace maybe, HELL, I don’t know if he deserves it, but some parts of me tells me he does. I just get so sad when I am reminded at how much his father, family, nation, no one gave a shit about him. That’s too much human and close to home for me to disregard everything entirely and just call him a villain. 

I also am conflicted because I wonder if what I want for him isn’t also out of character, and something that would ruin his character and story. I love Zenos because he’s unapologetically himself, does what he wants, and obeys no one’s agenda, but his wants and instincts. I don’t want his personality and story arc to be ruined by salvation or him randomly becoming an ally and everyone pretending he didn’t do anything wrong, that would make me hate him and SE so much. I would much prefer him dead than him ruined as a character. I do wonder if me wanting him to be spared death and him being unapologetically himself are two things that can’t co-exist- it FEELS like that, honestly. I have faith in SE that they will write him and the story well, and make me enjoy what happens, so at the moment I’m not particularly worried about him being ruined as a character. But I just got to the point where I am so attached that I am of course scared of losing my favourite character. I guess we will have to see, honestly only the game and what will happen in the story can tell me if I am right in having hope for him or if I am not. There’s a lot of possibility in the story, a lot of surprises in SE’s writing everything everytime, and i how they make things WORK, so there’s hope in THAT.

And maybe I want to see a different solution for him that isn’t death. Call it retribution, maybe I am projecting TOO MUCH in this character, but yeah, just being honest and baring my emotions to the world here. I guess we will have to see what happens.