there will come soft rains
Jimmy dies as he always does: unceremonious and completely his fault. It's what he does best. This time, he takes Tango down with him, the man he's learned to love in the fraction of the time they were there. He lives with that memory for weeks in the dust of Tumble Town, half wondering if it was ever real in the first place. And he assumes Tango does too, in his own little world away from it all.
One morning, Gem approaches him. She asks him a simple question:
"What do you want to say to Tango when I'm there?"
(where tango and jimmy send letters over an incredible distance)
read it on ao3! (and a huge thank you to @nightbugblogging — you were so brave for beta-ing this <3)
It’s quiet, and dark. Almost too quiet. The entropy of the universe seemed like it had finally settled into nothing, into nighttime, and into dark. Jimmy’s still awake. Being on red—it’s like an itch under his skin. He feels sick, feverish, controlled by something he can’t escape. But there's looming to it, too, the shadow of death that clings to him like the scent of smoke.
Jimmy rolls over. The shape of Tango next to him is soft and warm. His eyes are shut, but his jaw works like he’s biting down on his tongue. It must be getting to him, too.
"Tango?" Jimmy whispers.
"Mm?" Tango hums. He’s still awake, but his voice is heavy with sleep.
Jimmy swallows.
“What happens after this?"
He watches Tango’s face. He frowns, just a soft curve of his mouth, his eyes blinking open. He turns his head, and his expression softens, just a bit, as if he notices the worry in Jimmy’s eyes.
"We win or we die. What do you mean?"
Jimmy opens and shuts his mouth. He means so many things. He’s afraid of losing. He’s afraid of not meaning anything. He’s afraid to be without cause. His heart is a heavy stone in his chest that he wills to beat. What are we? Does this mean something to you? Was this anything?
"I mean...” he says, much slower than he intends. “What happens to us? What happens between us?"
Tango’s face falls in the low light. "Oh," he says, punctuated. "I don't know."
"I don't know either."
"I guess...nothing."
Jimmy stays quiet for a long time before he speaks, his voice soft and barely shaking. His heart hammers in his chest. If he wants to leave, he can leave. He won't keep him. He won’t tie him down. He couldn’t.
"Is that what you want?"
Tango swallows, tries to, Jimmy watches, tries to manage the lump forming in his throat.
"No. It's not. I just don't know what's there for us."
Jimmy laughs a little, and doesn’t mean it to sound as self deprecating as it does.
"I'm not unreachable. I could come visit," he tries.
Tango sighs.
"Sure, but..."
"But what?"
He turns, all at once, to face Jimmy. His face is soft, almost sad, and something in Jimmy aches. Tango reaches out to touch his face, cupping his cheek.
"But do you think you'll still want me? After all of this? I mean you and Scott—"
"Scott? No, no, no, no,” he shuffles forward. He runs his hand over Tango’s shoulder; Tango relaxes and Jimmy drags his hand over his shoulder blades, tracing out the dip of his spine with his fingertips. “Scott and I aren’t together. Scott...” Jimmy sighs. “It was different.”
Tango nods.
“We’re different. And I—you—you wouldn't let me die. Haven't...haven't let me die. And I think I love you."
“You think?” Tango says, smiling, a laugh bubbling up into his voice.
“I do,” Jimmy grins. “I love you.”
"I love you, even if the stupid curse never breaks."
Tango shuffles over, pressing his forehead against Jimmy’s. His skin is warm against his, drawing lines against his cheek with his thumb. Jimmy snorts.
“Yeah?"
"Yeah, even if we die tomorrow. Even if it's next week. Even if it's twenty minutes from now. I love you despite all the...the silly warning signs."
Jimmy laughs, especially as Tango reaches up to kiss the space between his eyes. He traces the back of Tango’s hand, where it still rests on his cheek. His hands track up to thread through Tango’s hair at the base of his skull, scritching against his scalp. Tango sighs against him, his breath warm.
"Come find me when this is all done, won't you?" Jimmy says.
"Can't imagine why I wouldn't. Can't even think of it."
And Jimmy thinks to himself I'm sorry I can't save you. I know it's coming. It's inevitable. But maybe if we hold on a little while longer, I promise you we’ll be alright.
That doesn’t happen.
Jimmy dies as he always does: unceremonious and completely his fault. He finds himself in the shell of what used to be his home, still screaming for help. Still screaming for Tango. The bed next to him is a discarded shape. He has no need for it now, just the wisp of the person he used to be.
There is the warmth of a presence beside him. He's filled with a list of things he cannot say.
What are you still doing here? It's over. Go home. Go.
Tango’s not gone. He’s there. But god, of course. Of course it was Jimmy’s fault. Of course it would be him. Of course he would curse Tango with the burden of being his. Of being pulled down with him, of being killed. He turns away from him—there’s no need for Tango to care about him anymore. He couldn’t keep him safe.
When Jimmy wakes up, actually, fully, wholly, he is alone. Tango is not with him. He has nothing to find him by. He’s a memory, fast slipping from Jimmy’s hands like the sand outside the saloon. From beside him, Norman stirs. Jimmy sighs, his heart heavy in his chest.
It was all a bad dream. A bad dream.
Maybe it was his fault for being too much to love.
(more on ao3)
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