#hi please validate me

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

[somecleverreference]

Hi my name is Count Doctor Hannibal Lecter VIII M.D. im a cannibal (that’s how I got my name) and I have shiny brown hair with gold streaks and silver tips that reaches my mid-neck and maroon eyes that reflect red pinpoints like limpid blood and a lot of people tell me I look like Sandro Botticelli (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Lady Murasaki but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a cannibal but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale golden skin. I’m also a doctor, and I own a psychiatric practice in Baltimore where I help my patients (I’m forty-seven). I’m an aristocrat (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly brown. I love Garrison Bespoke and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a brown plaid suit with a matching silk pocket square and a blue paisley tie, blue socks and brown oxfords. I was wearing pink lipstick, beige foundation, gold highlighter and concealer on my eyebrows. I was walking outside the BSHCI. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of fbi agents stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

[sad-leon]

some finding home au incorrect quotes <3

thank you tea for sending me some of these in discord, and the last one was yoinked from a pm seymour video :P

Link to the au if anyone's curious

[moeblob]

Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!

I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.

[mintypsii]

how are we feeling about the live action sanlu nation

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

I'm going to sound like such a smartass but I'm glad I'm seeing more people express that "Huh, maybe this girl who has an entire song repeating to herself over and over again that her murder was not her fault meanwhile she-

portrays herself as a giant grotesque bug in her headspace with her victim, who she clearly still holds a high opinion of, being the only human in said headspace looking at her with visible disgust and fear,

Making this expression upon realizing what she just did

These being the lyrics that follow right after, having a moment of reconsideration

Before jumping back to trying to convince herself that she was in the right, because she put her trust in us to tell her if what she did was right or not, and the answer that came out was yes... That maybe, just maybe. She thinks that what she did...

Might have been her fault."

[inazuman]

can you imagine being dr ratio’s lil pet? he rarely gives praise so every time he calls you “good girl” or tells you how good you make him feel, it feels like warm sunlight over your skin. he’s so perceptive, knows exactly how to push and pull at you until you’re a mess underneath him. he puts a collar around your neck so everyone knows you belong to him, he can’t have anyone else thinking they have a chance.

[bluetbluish]

Hahaha another question mark grian. For the soul.

[braincloggedwithcats]

Hey . Kissing repulsion is always ok. If you're kissing repulsed you're awesome and I care you. It doesn't make you silly, it doesn't make you childish and you deserve respect. It doesn't matter why you're kissing repulsed, if you have a reason at all, how old you are or how much or little you can tolerate, you're not hurting anyone and it's ok. I'm sorry if you've been made to feel bad for it, I'm sorry if you've ever made yourself feel bad for it, I'm sorry it's so hard to avoid. You're cool and you're allowed to feel however you want about it and that should be respected. You're ok

[menacewithawolfcut]

i sincerely apologise for hornyposting on main once again but hear me out: i need these two, not mandatorily but preferably at the same time, to beat the everloving fuck out of me, and that would probably be the only thing able to fix me

.

.

.

[unmotivatedwrit3r]

PSA that people need to stop spelling Damian’s name “Damien,” especially if you’re up in arms about him being whitewashed

Now I will say that I’m not fluent by any means in Arabic, but I have begun studying it to bring myself closer to my culture, and am thus now very familiar with the alphabet. And by learning the alphabet, I have learned that there is no “eh” sound in it, much less a vowel that directly translates to “e” when anglicized. The vowels in the Arabic alphabet are primarily “a,” “o/u,” and “i,” so it needs to be spelled Damian to be an accurate translation

In Arabic, it’s spelt داميان

That is to say: the letters d, aa, m, ii, aa, n

Hence, Damian

I would also like to ask that people please don’t equate being pale with whitewashing. I’m as Arab as Damian is but my family is on the paler side (edit: even with strong olive undertones and other ‘traditional’ features). And we’re still Arab

[vypridae]

btw im gaining some attention so anyone here for vees stuff!! if you think the vees are better off without valentino!! and hate on him constantly!! and say that vox deserves better!! get off my blog!! block me!! i don't want that negative energy towards my babygirl on my page!! i recognize that valentino does awful things, and he is a terrible person, but if you think he's the only one of the vees that's super awful then please go away <3 vox and velvette are literally no better, they AID HIM in what he does (velvette's love potion, vox's advertising of said love potion, not to mention their own personal issues). you can hate him as much as you want but if you want him dead because vox and velvette need to get away from him or you think they're too good for him, please dni!!

[nostalgia-tblr]

"are people not into that?" i ask, after posting my weird niche shit to the internet, despite knowing it to be weird niche shit.

[moeblob]

I spent 3 hours replying to this anon simply to say "everyone gets a Vaporeon (except Sylvain)".

[thisissirius]

i would also like to add to the chris is 13! and he's choosing to go with THEM? discourse to add that chris does not know. because eddie is a good father and he does not let his insecurities and battles with his parents detract from the fact that ramon and helena cared for chris for a long time, that they loved him and he remembers that. they were a huge part of chris' life and he was safe with them. it wasn't perfect and we have a LOT to say about them as parents and as grandparents, but they're safety for chris. notice how all of the talks eddie has with them are away from chris. they're overbearing and have their faults (because i just know some of y'all will bring shit like that up) but chris doesn't see that.

at thirteen these choices are more than capable of being made. i have said it before and will say it again; children are wholeass human beings. they are young, but they're not without experiences. chris has dealt with a lot of stuff in LA. tsunamis, earthquakes, his father's constant brushes with death. he's making a choice to remove himself from a situation that he doesn't think is best for him right now because eddie is not making choices in his best interest. however much you like those scenes or this storyline as a whole, chris is not wrong for wanting to be secure.

and while it might not seem like it, this is also good for eddie. he needs to know he can exist in spaces without chris around. he might not want to, but he needs to learn that he can and that he is NOT in the right place, through grief and stress and ptsd and all the shit he's gone through. he is choosing to let christopher go because he knows this, deep down, where he doesn't want to look too closely.

this situation is about choices; christopher's AND eddie's.