#I really want to feel validated in this view because it’s just so divine to me

[imcreatingchaos]

I think it’s a very popular fandom view, at least on Tumblr (god bless Reddit) that Light was literally moaning from L “massaging” his feet, and that’s very fun and valid but I honestly never saw it.

I always saw L as being purposefully rough at first, generally because he was upset and depressed at the thought of death and also because he instinctively knew that Light was going to be the cause of it (thus he wanted to take it out on Light by giving him a small dose of pain in return) and Light was groaning in pain… because it genuinely hurt. But he’s not one to back down either so he relents, which is a mistake because now he’s confronted the physicality of what he’s doing, and death (especially L’s death) becomes less of an abstract concept as he is grounded and present in the moment.

[Not necessary ———> There’s actually a lot less internal monologue in this scene from both of them so it actually applies both ways, in my opinion. It’s interesting to me that L was the one to initiate after slight contemplation but he’s also the one who engages more with sensory pleasures (having a big sweet tooth, freedom in what he wears, stuff like sucking on his thumb or biting his nails which is not socially acceptable but actually very grounding) so it tacks. And thus Light is brought out of his head.]

Anyways, L is subtly angry, and mocking, but when Light returns his pain with gentleness… he does not expect it. And it is more torturous for him than if Light had just acted apathetic/antagonistic, because now he has to confront the fact that he was wrong about the hubris of Kira for once, —that Light was, in his own way, opening up, by choosing to engage with the moment instead of retreating into his head. Actions over words, because they always lied with their tongues and not with their bodies.

L then stiffens, jaw clenched, eyes widening. He says ‘sorry’ and he MEANS it. When he recovers and starts wiping Light’s feet again, he is gentler and Light is not groaning anymore (he has no reaction on his face that suggests pain, at least) and he watches L, intently.

Which if course could all mean nothing.

[sombredancer]

Fangs of Fortune and Li Lun

GJM is really great in terms of visuals: young and beautiful actors and actresses, their acting, decorations, frame building, coloring, costumes – I’ve never seen such a beautiful thing in whole my drama-viewing career! But GJM is like Chinese J.J. Abrams: everything in his work should impress viewer with visuals and plot twists, even if it harms the plot and the link between viewers and characters, and I can’t say that it’s something good (although FoF was VERY good looking). If I need to explain to someone what to expect from FoF in one GIF, it would be this one 😅:

"WTF is going on?" you may ask. "I don't know either" I will answer.

And these are closing credits. They were different almost each next ep, strange, but somewhat comforting. At least actors had fun filming it. Yan An is so nice here. I need to feel related to the characters and to understand the rules of the fictional world to dive fully into the story, but I gave up on my pathetic attempts to understand how this world works very quickly, because the whole story was the one huge Deus Ex Machina. I swear, I have never seen such a series in my life, in which you can meet deus ex machina not just a couple of times per story, but the couple of times per EPISODE. EACH EPISODE. The logic of main heroes’ actions also remained a mystery for me (maybe their mindset was too divine for me, I’m an earthly person after all), so I couldn’t feel related to any of the mains, and their problems were absolutely uninteresting for me.

But suddenly I felt related to Li Lun. He was the only one in this story who didn’t have a plot twist up his sleeve, and his actions were pretty understandable (unlike ones of the mains).

BTS. Yan An and Hou Minghao are having fun. There are two ways to tell the story: either you create characters and let them tell the story by themselves, or you create a story and bend your characters to fit it in. Unfortunately, FoF is the second variant: I understood what type of a story GJM wanted to tell through Li Lun’s character, but he chose two tropes (getting over an obsession and prejudice overcoming) and didn’t work out any of them in a valid way. However, I’m a professional in loving characters whose stories weren’t constructed in a satisfying way and am fond of LL anyway (I cut something like 80 GIFs, so I will post 3-part-recap with my thoughts on LL soon).

BTS. Yan An with Hou Minghao, Tian Jiarui and Lin Ziye. Btw, I ‘ve never heard of Yan An before this drama, but he acted so good in FoF, I would like to see more of his actor works.

Yan An is shivering from cold. How this man was supposed to play a villain? Look at him, he is a cinnamon roll! However, he did it well 💙

[essektheylyss]

The reason that Ashton learning about the Luxon is interesting is not because it would change their stance on the pantheon (considering the Luxon is not of the pantheon and therefore any change in opinion on, say, Pelor, would be a false and reductive equivalence), but because their stance on religion as a whole is currently reductive in a deeply unproductive and, frankly, potentially dangerous way, and the Luxon's existence flies in the face of that.

Ashton has a basic but narrow view of how the gods operate: someone asks for something, and the gods answer. He may acknowledge that generally the answer is given as part of an exchange, but might also feel that the extent of his suffering is worth more than the offering usually made. This is a very valid and understandable position! They suffered under some destructive force of nature, and later under the general indifference of the world, and if there are gods who claim to do good in the world*, and suffering persists, how can those gods be considered just?

This is, I must make very explicit, an incredibly complex and old philosophical question in the real world even where the existence of gods is not a material reality, and not one that's going to be solved by a bunch of fandom bloggers, no matter how enlightened one thinks they are. It is also a question that is straight up not a concern in a lot of faiths, so by necessity, one cannot equate "in this context, are the gods just?" to the question of whether worship, as a practice, is just.

In any case, Ashton's concern is more personal than philosophical—his stance is borne not of any intensive questioning of the justice of gods, but because he's been hurt, and he wanted to be helped, and wasn't**. And this is valid, but the extrapolation to "the gods can die for all I care," does attempt to make that equivocation. In suggesting the removal of the source of worship of a large portion of the world, which at least something of the means to act upon that suggestion, they're implicitly taking the stance that their anger alone is worth more than the mundane benefits that collective portion of the population receives from their worship.

It bears noting here that this is specifically about his anger, and not his suffering, because the death of the gods won't change his history. In fact, nothing is going to change that! This is really where Ashton's anger lies, but the anger isn't actionable there, which is why it comes out elsewhere. When funneled in a reasonable and willful direction (such as towards Ludinus) anger can be very productive; this isn't to say that this emotion is the problem in itself. But directing it toward the gods will have a pointed negative impact on much of the world, and will likely not stop those worshippers who are enacting harm from finding other ways to do so, which means it's a net loss in terms of what Ashton wants, which is to keep people from harm.

And drawing attention to the anger is also relevant, because, well, that's where we get back to the Luxon.

Ashton's Rage mechanic is based explicitly in dunamis and, by extension, the Luxon itself. The ability is linked narratively to their fall at Jiana Hexum's house and subsequent patching up by Milo, who dumped a potion of possibility into their head. When Imogen and FCG have entered his mind, the description is similar to the description of concentrating on a Luxon beacon.

There's an argument to be made that dunamis itself more than the beacons individually is what comprises the entity known as the Luxon; the potions were distilled initially from a beacon, and we've seen other forms of the same thing, such as the purple gems in Aeor. We also know that the Luxon is an entity that may go back to before the Founding***, because Essek, a noted skeptic, found evidence of its existence as such in Aeor, an arcane society that attempted to kill the gods themselves.

The Luxon as a divine entity*** has not, as far as anyone has claimed, directly spoken to a mortal, follower or otherwise. The Dynasty believes it has sent messages that their umavi can divine and interpret into scripture, and in theory clerics that follow it can receive information via divination the same way as any other cleric, but none of these involve direct speech, and overall it's not clear that it is in fact an entity capable of communication as mortals would imagine communication.****

This is notably different than the Pantheon as a whole. The primary boon that the Dynasty believes the Luxon has given them, based on their ability with the beacon to escape Lolth's dominion, is to wield more control over one's own destiny. If we proceed under the assumption that this is how the Luxon brokers any relationship to mortals, then we end up back to the idea that the ability that Ashton has gained from the dunamis that was used to seal their wounds was control over, and the ability to act upon, the anger that they harbor.

It's in fact exactly what Ashton asked for, both in his past and now, in this past conversation with the party, suggesting that he'll actually hear out any god that actually suggests they want him. It's also clearly something they still want, given that they went looking for it in Issylra. No matter how disaffected Ashton may claim to be, his actions betray the fact that he does in some way want the acknowledgment of an entity larger than he is.

So whether or not Ashton changes their tune on the pantheon doesn't matter in the long run. What learning about the Luxon would do is force Ashton to confront the fact that, first, gods as a whole do not necessarily conform to the limited knowledge they've based their views on, and second, that maybe a god already gave them what they asked for.

And Ashton is still perfectly at liberty to ignore that without consequence—the use of dunamis has never been contingent on belief or worship, as evidenced by the numerous wizards who use it regardless. But it does raise the question for Ashton both of his own worth in the view of something larger than he is, regardless of whether he thinks the gods have already discarded him, and also the very premise on which he chooses where to direct his anger.

It's up to Ashton, as it's always been, to actually decide where to go from there.

*I won't interrogate this at length here because I don't think it's relevant, but I also don't believe the Prime Deities have ever claimed that their purpose, if they can be said to have a purpose, is to do good. Even the temples of Vasselheim orient themselves more toward the purpose of maintaining balance and order rather than any concept of "good", and many of the pantheon who are not explicitly included among the Betrayers have neutral alignment.

**For further commentary on the flaws in Ashton's assumptions around relationship to a god, see here.

***The question of whether or not the Luxon is A God is also irrelevant here, because it has been worshipped as such and confers power comparably to the Prime Deities, so we'll proceed without worrying about it.

****For further commentary on the nature of how the Luxon communicates and enacts its will in the Material Realm, see here.

For further commentary on the general tone of this post, see here.

[thewitchfarhan]

Why are you reblogging from evilios? Do you know that they’re a zeus apologist, right? 💀💀💀

I'm going to preface this by saying this is going to be a *MONSTER* of a post, so be warned - it's gonna be long.

TLDR: “But when it comes to the spiritual people I follow and reblog from on Tumblr - I have the following rule for myself:

If I like it, I interact with it, if I don’t - I won’t. If the blog isn’t upsetting to me or triggering me then I’ll follow, if it is - I won’t. If someone isn’t harming anyone by their spirituality then I’ll respect it, but if they are - fuck 'em.”

Hi anon - thank you for your inquiry. This is actually something I have been pondering for a bit and I feel ready to express my feelings around this issue.

To start - I am *very* new to the Hellenic Pagan community. While I have been a practicing Witch and Pagan for about 10 years - Hellenic Paganism is not a practice I have worked with/within prior to 2023.

Additionally - I make a point to not pass judgment on a spiritual belief or path before researching it from a third-party point of view, and examining the historical documentation available (as opposed to just taking into account UPG).

With that being said - my feelings toward Zeus as a deity/spiritual entity are negative (as you can see below from a previous post I made).

A good portion of the myths about Zeus that I am familiar with have heavy themes that center around male entitlement, assault, r*pe, and misogyny. All of which are not only morally reprehensible - but also somewhat triggering for me as someone who grew up Catholic.

I have seen individuals say that you have to take into account the “historical context” in which myth and religious texts are written. I have seen individuals say things along the line of “These myths were written by misogynistic men so they projected their own values and beliefs onto Zeus, that’s now who Zeus really is!”

[I'm going to use the anon above as an example because their thoughts and sentiments are ones I see often from Zeus Devotees / Zeus Worshipers]

I’m not in the business of trying to tell others what to believe - not because I think all beliefs are valid - but because I know it’s pointless.

However, if you are going to use Greek Myths as the source material for your religious practice - then it would be more logical to compare these myths - not to Paradise Lost - but to the Bible.

So, if Greek Myths (the basis of Hellenic Paganism) are symbolic and not to be taken literally - then prey tell where are you getting your canonical information from? Which religious texts *are* to be taken literally?

The bottom line, and answer to this quandary, is this:

All religion is invented. All religion is made up. All religion was created by humanity.

Cows and Crows don’t have religion. They do not build altars or shrines. They do follow religious codes. They do not worship or name divinity.

We can trace a before and after period for every religion's existence. There is not one religion that has existed from the dawn of time (and if anyone claims such they’re lying because humanity evolved from other species who definitely did not have any concept of ‘religion’).

So, with that being said, if you aren’t part of an organized religion/coven/cult - then you have two options.

1. Interpret all holy and traditional texts as literal and abide by their ever moral, rule, and decision within your personal practice.

Or

2. Acknowledge that you are picking and choosing what you believe to fit your own moral and personal narrative. Admit that you are making up your own personal gnosis and acknowledge that any judgment of your personal practice is also a judgment of your person. Admit that if you aren’t taking source material literally (which is a totally fine thing to do) you are inventing your own religious gnosis.

Want to worship Zeus and ignore all myths that portray him as a r*pist? Go ahead! I have no issue with you. Just don't try to somehow make those myths "valid" or "just symbolic" - just admit what you're doing and move on.

Because if you’re going to go around saying “Oh this historical information is valid but the other one isn’t and shouldn’t be judged from a modern lens!” then congratulations! I’m going to view your practice through the same lens as those who praise the Christian God as an all-loving entity and ignore the fact that (according to the story of Noah’s Ark in the Bible) he murdered every single adult and child on planet Earth, aside from a chosen few.

At the end of the day - do what you want. I don’t have any authority to stop you and I’m not gonna fight with you. But if you want my personal opinion on Zeus worship it is this:

Zeus, for me, is categorically defined by his actions. While there are many stories of SA and Abuse in Greek Mythology, Zeus as King of the Gods takes the cake. Not only because of the sheer number of stories that center around him committing acts of SA - but also because as the King of the Gods, he should be held to a higher standard.

Since I am not part of an organized religion/coven/cult - I get to choose how I interact with spirituality, and for me, that includes judging it through a modern lens.

I chose to not ignore the myths that portray Zeus in a negative light because I think the sheer number of those myths defines Zeus' character and what he represented in ancient times.

But when it comes to the spiritual people I follow and reblog from on Tumblr - I have the following rule for myself:

If I like it, I interact with it, if I don’t - I won’t. If the blog isn’t upsetting to me or triggering me then I’ll follow, if it is - I won’t. If someone isn’t harming anyone by their spirituality then I’ll respect it, but if they are - fuck 'em.

Feel free to send any follow-up questions, I could talk about this shit for days.

[rise-my-angel]

Hello! I hope you're doing well. I just wanted to say that your takes on the Targaryens are so refreshing to find when this fandom is almost completely made up of people who think they're the supreme, divine saviours of humanity and the greatest thing since sliced bread. It feels nice and validating to see someone who thinks like me for once. <3

Nothing bothers me more then propping them up as divine or special, when their entire story is about how they think they are special in contrast to the devastating effects of who they are on the people.

I don't think it's a coincidence that in Westeros we get so many different pov's to showcase all sides of how the war effects everyone everywhere, no matter how justified you may think one side or the other is. We see its devestating and it reminds us that their wars arent actually worth the cost. But in Essos, we do not see that. We only ever get Dany's pov and her view of her own actions, and we never see those minute details from every walk of life showcasing how no matter how justified she thinks she is, she has damaged more then shes saved. And I think it's a clever trap so that when she comes to Westeros, you finally see her from someone elses eyes and its a wakeup call that you've been tricked by her pov into thinking that shes better then she is. It's fascinating the way hes structured her story.

But people miss that, and subsequently, they miss that about all the Targaryeans. So they see them, as Dany sees herself. More superior then they really are. Which is not at all.

The Targaryeans aren't special. Their Valyrian blood is not what makes them dragonriders, they just have a monopoly on it because by the doom they were the only family who owned them or had any information about dragons. Its not a stretch to say when your family comes from a culture that is surrounded by dragons, you probably are just better equipped to ride one then someone whose never even seen one before. (Unless your Nettles then you are the literal example of why Targaryeans are not special and I love how grrm uses her to contrast that so strongly).

They alone are not holding the Kingdom together, as they caused many civil wars and rebellions, and their dynasty ended in a rebellion, which was followed by decades of peace. Say what you will about Robert, but he wasn't so stupid as to blatantly start a war from his bloodlust all over again. He wasn't a good man, but he took the throne by conquest during rebellion times, and no violence ever happened until after he was dead, and that wasnt caused by his fault, it was started by Cersei via having a bastard with Jaime and not Robert. So the war that followed wasn't his wrongdoing. He held peace and the realm together, so clearly the Targaryeans weren't needed for that specifically.

They don't even look unique. In Essos, tons of places still have mixes of Valyrian blood and thus have their silver hair. House Dayne is known to have purple eyes just like them, but they aren't Valyrian, their ancestry is from The First Men.

The biggest tragedy is House of the Dragon, because Fire and Blood is such a good deconstruction of the myth around House Targaryeans supermecy. Writing it in character as an Archmaester during Robert Baratheons reign is so interesting. It gives us such a unique look into how the world actually remembers them.

And its a book full of atrocities and horrible action after horrible action. War after war after war. People remember the Targaryeans as the initally conquested Westerosi did, as nothing more then uncaring, power hungry colonizers. But people don't look at them that way out of universe, and they should. Theres no reason to discount the negatives about them.

But House of the Dragon didn't adapt that book, so general audiences are getting a very different story that bolsters that supremacist view of the Targaryeans and it really does not paint them in the complex light they should be.

Not every Targaryean was a bad person, but House Targaryean was a house full of bad people. Bad people who raised and married each other into a system of brutal generational incest and abuse, and neglected the very Kingdom they routinely torn apart in order to fight for who gets to sit on the Iron Throne and ignore it more.

I like discussing the flaws of the Targaryeans because I find their toxic, destructive nature to be interesting. Especially in comparison to the such a stable family like the Starks.

They are a cautionary tale as to why the Starks reign lasted 8000 years, and the Targaryeans lasted only 300.

[janaknandini-singh999]

so idk i felt like i could reach out to u for this, but like i was seeing one of ur posts about rukmini and i saw that apparently she did sati when shri krishna died, and I googled it and I found out in various places that yes, but idk that just made me really upset, like I understand the emotions but the concept itself makes me upset and i just couldn't believe that swayam devi rukmini and other wives actually did that u know, and if their lives were meant to be exemplary or teach us then what does it teach the Hindu people about sati u know and forcing it? like whenever smth like this that idk if i agree with or understand happens then I always try to trust that shri krishna intended it for a reason but here I really don't see the reason:( like surely it would have been stronger if rukmini were a pillar of comfort in the aftermath of shri krishnas death, or idk really even in srimad bhagavatam I was reading some lines about the raas lila and I just felt like, you know it showed the gopiyas and their love but on krishnas part I didnt feel like he was taking their love as seriously u know, or he seemed a little apathetic, idkkk I may be very quick to jump to conclusions about these things, and i shouldn't! but it's also why because shri krishna in my mind would also be deeply moved by these displays of love and also by the actions or happenings surrounding the people that love him, or people in general. which goes on I wanted to ask - what do you view shri krishna as? a historical figure, a mythological figure, an allegory for God/Brahman/Paramatma, someone who is emotional, someone who is perfect and does everything with a smile on his face?

and I just wish there were more stories of the divine feminine and all the female devis and their incarnations yknow? how do you feel about that? I'm sure they exist and must be lost somewhere, or I am not looking in the right place because I know things like the devi bhagavatam exist, but idk u must feel the divide between male and female gods, or is it that my perception is dependent on what I've come across growing up, or my perception of hindu society today?

for me, shri krishna was someone who existed in history, but he exists with such a fluidity that anyone who wishes to create a story of him that THEY find touching automatically becomes valid, because he is Bhagavan and so he changes with how his devotees perceive him or find love in him. which is why idk about radharani's 'existence' but I also feel her presence and I just intuitively *feel* that it doesn't matter if it is accurate or not, her identity as the divine counterpart and lover of shri krishna is so valid and touching yk

but I think my understanding of shri krishna can be very confusing to me sometimes because I am philosophical so I always question and critically look at things, so I question things like "if he is bhagavan, would he actually be like this, would he be like that" etc. I know I'm a seeker and my path must be jnana yoga and it's difficult but it's the way i find my way to bhakti. I'm a bhakt and emotionally attached now because i understand that I can never understand everything, and I naturally gravitate to being attached to shri krishna anyway despite all my questions, and I'm trying to embrace that.

sorry, I am aware I might seem arrogant or conceited questioning shri krishna bhagavan himself who is so huge and massive and I am sososoososooo tiny compared to him, as well as lakshmi devi and everyone else...there's no way I can understand everything, or even a small part of it.

it is just my own relationship with krishna i guess. or my own relationship with what I consider right and wrong.

please feel free to share your thoughts and views if you like 🙏🙏

sorry for the spam omg😭😭😭radhe radhe sakhi I appreciate you for listening so much!!!💙💙💙💙

Hey sakhi, first of all I'm glad you felt like reaching out to someone :') come heree yaar *hugs you tight and kisses your forehead and then hugs you again*

Now for the explanation - first things first I want you to know that whatever may have ensued in that yug was first of all majorly determined by patriarchy (yes, even when it came to krishna) and secondly, as a result, all of the texts were mostly manipulated to show the control of men over women. Now please keep that in mind as I continue..

Now that we have the power dynamics of gender out of our way let's get right into it: the sheer love between Krishna and his gopiyan and wives that no egoistic/materialistic mortal consumed by power and arrogance would ever be able to grasp in their entire life. It's the same reason why most people attack Radha for being worshipped with Krishna even though she was "just a lover" in their eyes. Now coming to back to it, in the simplest words, nothing existed for the wives of Krishna after he died. Their souls passed away with him - they had died anyway, it was just a matter of letting go of their bodies at this point after purging themselves through the purifying fire once and for all. Coz yes, to be very precise and blunt, all of their purposes had come to an end for this lifetime after Krishna passed away. Their purpose as Lakshmi's incarnations was to be Krishna's consort in his journey of dharma. This is something that can't be understood by most people because they start by directly comparing themselves to them. First of all, no you can't. Nobody in this yug (Kalyug) can have that sort of selfless, maddening devotion for anyone who isn't God (Kanha) Himself. So please don't equate yourself to them. It would just be wrong and simply... unjust? Also, again - it was a patriarchy so that was the picture painted for us too in the end. You wanna know something though? Radha was the only consort of Krishna who passed away before him. When she left her mortal body, she called out to Krishna to play his bansi for the last time in this lifetime for her as she peacefully passed away in his lap, listening to it and smiling. Krishna lost absolutely all hope after that. He broke down, broke his bansi in half and never played it for anyone ever again in his whole life after Radha passed on. His half soul had gone and taken along his dearest love with him. After that he just existed to complete his dharma, his purpose. His body otherwise had died. That was a kind of Sati for him, in his own heartbreakingly haunting way but nobody ever tells you that.

Coming to the portrayal, it's what the characters are moulded and shown to us that view our lens but really it should be debated when it comes to Gods because we are supposed to worship and follow their ideals. There are definitely a lot of divine goddesses in our religion. In fact, hinduism is the only religion that worships Goddess primarily as the eternal Shakti from which all beings are born (in most other religions there are just demi goddesses and gray/antihero goddesses). For example: greek mythology. That's probably again coz of the prevalant patriarchy. When Lilith (Adam's first wife) revolted against Adam for unequal power play, what did they do? Very conveniently painted her as the demoness queen aka the villain. Then ofc the stories that followed of her eating babies because she was jealous of Eve (the perfect submissive wife). Honestly how much should we even believe and how much discard? Next is Greek Mythology where the queen Goddess is Hera who is portrayed as a very angry Goddess and villainised almost every time, just because she stands up to her husband who sleeps with many others and doesn't care. She poisons other women in jealousy. What are these stories even trying to show? That what the man doing is alright and when it's a woman then it's "women are only women's enemies and they all just want to attack their poor husbands?" *cue men laughing together and mocking their wives*

It's a very gray area to touch upon and I don't wanna hurt sentiments but it's what it is. Coming back to Hindu - see, Krishna was a very tricky (and a trickster ;) part to portray. He was supposed to be mischievous but he was also supposed to be morally correct. Why else do we adore him sm? Because he resonates with us in this yug - he's cool and nice, a bsf, a father, a guide, a babygirl all in one. But look at his pov also na? That's a very difficult image to maintain, to be able to be loved and respected by all generations equally even with such a fluid identity. And since it's such a fluid identity, it was even easier to be tampered with by the brahmins who gave us the knowledge firsthand that was passed down by him. But just imagine - if even after all the (possible) manipulation of his character he still gives us the vibes of a genuine bestie, how loving would he actually be??? Like begaad kar bhi kuch nahi bigaad paaya jiska koi toh phir hum kya hi maaya hi uss kanhaiya ke saamne?

Btw another thing I wanted to point out, something that in turn is very personal to me, is my relationship with lord Ram. Can I just say that I had a sort of raging, blind hatred towards him? Ok, attack me as much as you like but let me first complete my case. Ofc as soon as I got to know that he left Sita ji because of a mere dhobi's accusation, I was furious beyond control. What was the point of even saving her if you had to do this??? What gives you the right of being called the perfect man (maryada purshottam) if you do this to the wife who devoted her entire life to you literally without any questions? How are you the best man in society when you don't even know the difference between right and wrong and get so easily swayed by other's influence and forget everything else? I was very much triggered and was one of those who saw it on the surface level and rebelled against it. Then something happened in my life which completely changed my perception. Tmi but let's just say I was Sita here (haha, so unironic) and I loved someone (let's call them Ram). We were perfect. Too perfect actually. And maybe it was something that things too beautiful are meant to end just as ravishingly because they left me. Not because of any other reason other than circumstance. It was also scarily similar to what happened to Ram when he actually left Sita. When it happened to me I grovelled and cursed and cried and cried. But despite everything, I could never blame this person. Because it wasn't their fault. They loved me when they left me but they had to do it. With a shock, I realized how much it was resonating now. I took it as a sign and this time I rampaged articles and articles on Ram Sita's relationship and finally found it out: Ram was distraught. He begged at Sita's feet that he doesn't want to leave. "No, my love. Not when I've finally been reunited with you after all this time." But Sita knew bettee. She quietly left the palace when he was sleeping at night and made her way into her beloved forest where she knew nobody would find her. It was for everyone's good. And Sita had made peace with it. They loved each other all the same. He never married again btw and something more which they don't tell you: Ram sculpted Sita's statue in his palace right next to his throne: a silent but crystal clear reminder to his people about who their rightful, true queen was and nobody could do anything about it. They were wrong, Siyaram weren't. But the tragic circumstances were unavoidable. Another legend that justifies it all is the curse of Asura Guru Shukracharya on Vishnu that he would be separated from Lakshmi in every birth (sitaram, radhakrishna).

To conclude though, I got my answer and I thanked Ram/Krishna/universe for it.

For those who attack and then those who justify sati of these women by merely looking at the surface level: tell them the tale of Sita who didn't need a man to tell her what her worth was. She didn't care whether she was in the palace or lost in the forest, though she always preferred the latter and was fortunate enough to live most of her life in it. She didn't budge when Raavan kidnapped her, didn't budge when a dhobi accused her of being impure, didn't budge when she went through everything because she knew she was right and because she was strong. To hell with those who didn't get that, she was her only validation, her only solace. Don't get the wrong idea that you can throw whatever struggle you want on a woman but be inspired that inspite of it all, she emerged victorious in her own eyes every time and then again and finally as a Goddess that everyone fell on their feet, crying and begging for forgiveness for ever doubting her.

Tell them the tale of Shakti, her beautiful roop Kaushiki who when spotted by the lake taking a bath mesmerized demons. The asura kings Shumbh Nishumbh laughed and said that such beauty could only be in their possession so they issued orders for her to marry either of them. Kaushiki simply smiled and said "I'll happily marry you. But only if you can defeat me in a battle. I'll only be of a man whose strength is equal to mine." The asura kings laughed louder "Such arrogance for the puny stature of a woman?"

The next thing they knew was duelling with Kaushiki and being killed.

Before the death blow a light emanated and that's when they realized who they had challenged. "Take me home, Mother." they were grateful to be slain by the hands of the ever kind goddess who merely smiled and granted their wish as their souls flew out their bodies.

Tell them the tale of Shakti and how only one Navratri used to celebrated (Ashwina Navratri) but then Ram was in Lanka and he had to rescue his wife. He couldn't find a way because his enemy was being protected by Shiv ji's blessings. The only one who could help him was the Goddess. But he couldn't wait for the next Navratri he didn't have time so he started a fast and worshipped Her for nine days (it later came to be known as Chaitra Navratri) She blessed him with strength and on the tenth day they celebrate Vijay Vijaydashami (Dussehra) when Ram was finally able to conquer evil.

p.s: please don't call yourself conceited and arrogant, dear sakhi. If you were then you would've just attacked his idealogy without the need to understand it. But you're questioning and that means you want to understand it. When we love someone we want to know their actions and why they did what they did which would eventually bring us closer to them. When we question, we learn. And we want to learn about things and people we love, right? :)

Well, Kanha we love like that and he would've never wanted his image to be as a dictator. Rather he'd be so happy and proud that you want to understand and get closer to him <3

I'm grateful to Kanha with all my heart that he picked me as a medium for such a beautiful sakhi soul as you 🙏✨️

[xandraspalace]

Where the Heart Settles

----- Where the Heart Settles || Banzoin Hakka [HOLOSTARS EN]x GN! Reader - Birthday Fiction

Summary : Hakka used to think that a garden was nothing more than just a place filled with various flowers. However, on his birthday, you proved him wrong. Hakka found himself settling his heart in a safest haven, the garden you made only for him.

WC : 2421 words.

Warning : Grammar errors, fluff with a hint of angst, hint of TEMPUS lore, Ikemen Sengoku references, MLQC references, etc.

Featured Characters : An unnamed friend (OC), Gavis Bettel (mentioned), Josuiji Shinri (mentioned), and Magni Dezmond (mentioned).

Disclaimer : Everything written here is FICTITIOUS. This story is written in second-person point of view and the reader is gender-neutral. The personas written here are based on the avatar of the characters as vtubers, not the person behind it. Enjoy.

A/N : IT’S MY FAVORITE BIRD’S BIRTHDAY AND FOR ONCE I MANAGED TO POST THE BIRTHDAY FICTION ON TIME YEYYYY:D

Other Platforms : [MEDIUM] [TWITTER]

     INDEED. From the outside, your tea shop might look like just a normal shop. That's not wrong at all. You actually run a tea house in your homeland, Xenokuni. However, everything changed when the Jester came to you. Your shop is no longer an ordinary tea house. It now also serves as an information base specifically for Adventurer's Guild TEMPUS.

     You don't remember why you agreed to that. But one thing you know that once the war was over, you had to part ways with your significant other because the Jester took him to the TEMPUS Guild headquarters. And it had been quite a while since the last time you saw him.

     "I'll be fine, I promise."

     To be honest, those worries never went away, not only because he left you, but also because of the eroding effects of the Records Corruption on his body after he was attacked during the war.

     No one knows when they will attack again. You always get scared and anxious every time you think about it. There has been no peace since the people of Xenokuni questioned the validity of Utopia that the elites of Elysium had idealized.

     “Today is his birthday,” you glanced at the digital clock in the room and sighed, feeling a little disappointed. You wanted to celebrate his birthday with him too.

     You don't know, but perhaps the divine forces heard your complaint and answered your wish. The sound of—specifically—okobo sandals hitting the floor can be heard clearly by your ears. However, you ignored whoever it was, considering that your close friend who also works at your tea shop was up front to greet customers.

     But not long after, your friend split the curtain door open to see you. They stood there with a wide smile, it made you confused. “[Y/N],” they called, excitement could be heard in their calm voice.

     "What, are they our customers who want tea or clients who need information?" you asked.

     “You have a guest.”

     With hesitation, you asked again, "I have a guest?"

     However, your question was answered when your friend stepped back, making way for someone. From behind the curtain, you saw a figure that you would never have thought of. Your eyes widen in disbelief.

     You missed this person so much. It would be a lie if you didn't expect a little bit about his sudden arrival, but you also can't hope too much because of his busy life now as a member of the Guild TEMPUS. But one thing you were sure of was that the divine forces did heard your complains about just a moment ago.

     “Hakka…?” you called his name, approaching him slowly. “Is that really you?” That was a stupid question, you admit to yourself. 

     The purple-haired man smiled gently at you. "Of course it’s me. Is there any coolest and cutest exorcist that is better than me here? Tell me who it is!”

     It was him.

     You could confirm it from his antics. Your hand reached for his face, making sure that he wouldn’t disappear when you touch him. You looked down to see one last thing that could prove it was really him.

     You lifted one of the Hakka's hands gently, his eroded one. When you saw the traces of the corruption on his right hand, you could finally breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh, right. It is you,” you laughed shakily, probably because of the tears you were trying to hold back.

     Hakka also raised his right hand to hold yours that was cupping his cheek. "I'm home," he whispered softly.

     You finally pulled him into a hug. Hakka also rested his chin on your crown. He embraced you with such tenderness while whispering sweet nothings.

     Being in his arms again made you realize ... he is your home, no matter how far you two were apart.

     Since Hakka left for Guild TEMPUS, you have prepared something for him when he comes back. His arrival on a birthday was perfect, so you could show the things you prepared for him as a gift.

     You told Hakka there was a place you wanted to show him. You also warned him that this place would be dangerous to visit. The reason why is because this place you were going to visit has the most and strongest concentration of Records Corruption residue. You even call it the Xenokuni’s residue center of Records Corruption.

     But because you told Hakka it would be a birthday gift for him, he agreed to go there with you. He paid no heed to the actual danger he was about to approach. You'd think there would be at least a bit of trauma reactions from him because of what happened to him during the war. But it seemed that he really was the coolest exorcist because he was not afraid of any dangers and obstacles before him.

     "You guys will have a date?" your friend, who was serving some customers, asked.

     "Not really a date, but we will take a little stroll," you answered. “You wouldn’t mind looking after the shop by yourself for a bit, right?”

     Your friend laughed lightly and shook their head. "Of course I don't mind. And Hakka,” they turned to the Tengu. “I wish you a happy birthday. I thought you came here because you or someone from the guild needed information. Turns out you actually came here to meet your darling.”

     Hakka touched his chest, acting dramatic. "Ouch, that's hurting me, you know?" Hakka and your friends laughed, making you smile with them.

     Right after that, Hakka took something out from inside of his white kimono cloth that covered his black shirt. “Here.” Hakka took out an envelope and handed it to your friend.

     "What is this?" they asked.

     “Letter from Dad,” he loud-whispered to them you could hear him. "He really misses you."

     You looked at your friend with teasing gazes and chuckled. “Looks like you guys miss each other. It's not a one-sided feeling."

     Your friend received the letter from the Tengu. Shades of pink blushed their cheeks.

     Hakka grabbed your hand to quickly step out of the tea house. “Bye, Mom! We're off."

     "I'm not your mother!" they protested, but did not seem to hate it.

     Before actually leaving, once again Hakka shouted, “Shinri's my dad, so you're my mom. See you!”

     “Don't tease them too much,” you laughed while walking out of the tea house with him.

     "It's okay. They need to know that Shinri is missing them as well." He took your hand in his. "Let's go. Should we jump down to the spot you mentioned or walk to enjoy the view instead?”

     You giggled. "Let's take a walk. I want to enjoy, not only the view, but also spending time with you too.”

     "That's a great idea."

     With that, hand in hand, you went to the place where your gift for him was.

     After a while of walking, you and Hakka finally arrived at your destination. You stared into the misty abyss in front of you. The concentration of Record Corruptions residue at the bottom of the abyss made your stomach sick. Your legs felt weak, as if you were tired. You're not sure how you came to this place for the past few months.

     “Careful there.” Hakka wrapped once of his arms around your waist, making sure you didn't fall. The Tengu looked at you with a worried look.

     Hakka felt the same way as how you feel. But thanks to his Karasutengu Data, Hakka could still stand and make sure he didn’t fall because of the corruption residue concentrations

     “Hakka, let's go there,” your muttered weakly, pointing a dark, narrow alley. You tried to stand still. "There's a nice place at the end of the alley. I think that place has not been touched by the residue of Records Corruption," you explained.

     Hakka gave you a curious look. While helping you, the two of you entered the alley way.

     When you and Hakka reached there, the exorcist dropped his jaw in surprise, his periwinkle eyes was perfectly rounded. “What is… this…?” Hakka was speechless with what he saw before him. He felt like he was in a different world.

     A bed of flowers stretched out in front of him. It wasn't that wide, but what was before him can spoil his eyes and it could rest his mind which was previously spinning abysmally because of the corruption residue concentration outside.

     "It's a small garden," you answered his previous question. You looked at the garden fondly. “I found this place a while after you and Shinri left to join the headquarters members. Before you left, the Jester had asked me to take a few samples of the corruption residue, and the alley way caught my attention, then I found this place,” you once again explained.

     Hakka listened to you carefully and you continued, “I noticed that the soil in this place is more fertile than most of the land in Xenokuni after the battle. I sent a sample of the residue that the Jester requested along with a letter containing a report about this place. Sir Dezmond replied to the report and said it seems that this place was indeed left untouched during the battle. The influence of the Records Corruption didn’t reach this place.”

     What you said earlier was true. The place seemed untouched by the influence of Records Corruption at all. That place was so fresh and calming, as if it was a world apart from Elysium which is always filled with an unobtrusive aura, despite its beautiful scenery. The exorcist took a deep breath, feeling the fresh air.

     A thin, soft smile touched Hakka's lips. "It's beautiful," he uttered, lightly chuckling.

     A few moments after gazing at the garden, Hakka noticed how neat the garden was. The corner of the garden had been fenced in with wooden pickets. Flowers of all shapes and colors grew out of its well-tended soil. He wasn't sure everything could be this neat without someone’s hands.

     "I grew all of these flowers and tended it ever since Sir Dezmond said I could plant this place with flowers and trees." As if you were reading his mind, your statement succeeded in answering Hakka’s curiosity. You smiled sweetly. “I thought I'll take care of this garden and show you someday. Apart from being located near the Records Corruption residue center, this place has become my safest haven when I need a place to clear my mind.”

     Hakka looked at you in surprise. But if you look at his smile and eyes, curiosity, excitement, and pride was mixed together. “You did all this?!”

     Seeing his expression, you laughed lightly. “Yup! You came here at the right time—it's your birthday, so can you consider this as your birthday present?”

     "You mean... you tended these flowers for me?"

     You nodded, “Do you like it—woah!”

     “I love it!” Hakka interrupted your question with an instant answer as he jumped on you, hugging you tightly. You and Hakka bursted out laughing. "Are you going to continue to take care of this garden until later?" he asked.

     “You bet!” You looked at him with a prideful smile. “When Xenokuni is more stable, when Elysium is fine again, I want people to see this garden too. I want to prove to them that even in the midst of despair, there is still hope blooming for us to hold on to.”

     Before the war erupted, Xenokuni was a very beautiful place. The spring usually beautifies every corner of the land. The garden was like a mini version of Xenokuni's condition before the battle.

     Hakka could practically see the love and devotion that had been poured into each and every flower. The sight was overwhelming yet feeling so good.

     “Happy birthday, Hakka.” As he stood there in amazement, you reached out and took his hand, smiling somewhat bashfully. "Years from now, I hope we'll still be together and come out to see these flowers again."

     In the hands of the elites of Elysium, Hakka never knows what will happen in the future. However, seeing you who were so committed and confident about the future, he couldn’t bear to destroy your hopes. The sights you mentioned—a stable Xenokuni without war, and a beautiful Elysium without dictatorship of the elites—Hakka really wanted to see those sights. He wanted to see the end result of his and the rest of Guild TEMPUS’ hard works.

     Hakka hold your hands tight in his. “What are you talking about? Of course we will always be together. Where are you going? You're stuck with me for a really, really long time."

     It might sound like a joke, but Hakka wasn’t joking at all. He was very serious about what he said. His bluish violet eyes painted dedication and compassion.

     The spring breeze blew, not carrying the gray vibes of Xenokuni, but the scent of the flowers you tended to so beautifully. In your heart, you felt so proud of your gift for him, seeing how calm Hakka was when he's with you.

     You noticed your hands he was holding. Hakka looked back at you with a beautiful smile on his face. He pulled you into a hug, embracing you so gently, protecting you from the outside world.

     To the exorcist, this was what it’s like if pure, unadultred joy took form. “[Y/N],” he called your name softly.

     “Yes, Hakka?” You shot him a questioning look as he smiled and looped his arms around you, drawing you closer.

     “Thank you... Thank you so much... Thank you for being with me...”

     Hakka used to think that a garden was nothing more than a place filled with various flowers. It was indeed beautiful, and colorful, and sweet. But it was just what it was. However, in that moment, you proved him wrong. Hakka found himself settling his heart in that very place. He found himself a safe haven, only for you and him. And it was a prove that love could still bloom in the midst of despair and hopeless darkness. A place that shines so brightly in the midst of chaos, it almost felt like you two were hidden away from the rest of the world.

     Since the war that destroyed Xenokuni happened, Hakka no longer believes in the concept of Utopia. But maybe, with you, he can feel what they call “perfect world.”

     To him, meeting you was a blessing. You turned his world upside down, yet you do it beautifully and effortlessly.

     With you, his heart settled.

     Forever. -----[FIN].

Where the Heart Settles Fiction by Author Xandra April, 2023

[respectfulpuppy]

I know I'm the last person to be any kind of authority on the subject.

But might as well scream into the void. I think it's just sad culturally we've grown complacent and accepting of objectifying women. At first I thought it was just "I want a pretty girl", but I've realized it's what I've thought since I was younger, because thats the only way I saw women in media. It's more than I want a pretty girl, it's "you hold no value to me if you're not visually pleasing" which is just absolute insanity to me. It's so superficial, but even lesbians have fallen into the same aestheticism way of thinking and objectifying women but validating and justifying it because they're women too. You can't critique someone to then just do the same thing you're critiquing them for but say "no no no, if I do it it's ok". But then they justify it by saying "I know when I do it I'm admiring them not lusting over them", but how can we know for certain that's what they're doing? Admiration goes beyond just looks. I feel like admiration comes from one's actions rather than what a person looks like. Lustful admiration is still lustful. Find someone that admires you for the person that you are. You don't have to be conventionally attractive to deserve humanity.

I understand the yassified culture to boost girls egos which is fine, who doesn't like to be hyped up? I giggle and kick my feet when someone calls me king, I think it's healthy, but I feel like the girly pop aesthetic has turned into a lifestyle, which I feel like is dangerous, cause it feeds into predatorial peoples fantasies, not only men but women too.

But I don't think that's how things are destined to be. I believe that eventually, the more we talk about it, I know women can be valued beyond their looks. Knowing all the women in my life, I see how destructive this aesthetic culture is, and how they're dehumanized and how awful that must feel every day. We shouldn't content ourselves from shitty human beings to slightly less shitty human beings.

Not to say if that's what you want, then by all means, that's what feminism is all about, giving choice to women. But I feel like at some point it's not about feminism anymore, it can only bring us so far, we need to stop viewing people as their gender, rather what they are really inside. Because we all divinely rot with age. And maybe beauty can bring you far, but it won't carry you on the entire ride. Because if you surround yourself with aesthetically guided people, they will soon drop you, but not because you're undeserving to be valued, but rather you're being valued for the wrong thing by the wrong people. If you have to fight to be respected then you're in the wrong group of people.

There will always be someone else, until they're not you.

They're not the friend that they can go to when they're crying, suffering, laughing, until they don't have your sense of humor, your inside jokes, your laugh. Why limit ourselves to being valued based on being good at one single ability when we as humans have so so much more to offer. Humans love, not because you're the best at something, but because you're the best at being you. Stop trying to beat someone else cause even if you win you still end up losing because you're playing a game, not living life.

I just want to say not as a man, but as a person, you do not have to participate in people's sick sexual fantasies to be valued as a human being. There's more to you that meets the eye. Because I cannot stress this enough, being surrounded by the right people makes a hell of a difference. Do not settle for less, it's not worth it.

[burr-ell]

Also the whole religion bit of fandom criticism is particularly strange, kinda from both ides of the debate imo. The idea that presenting the prime goods as actually evil and Asmodeus is secretly a good guy, wrongfully accused, is somehow an "establishment" stance, when the actual establishment vs anti-establishment stance is literally baked into the traditional dnd theology in the form of the alignment chart, where the explicitly aren't the same thing as good and evil, but rather co-aligned.

That said, I do find the fact that people default to blaming the "culturally christian atheists" as the once primarily vying against the prime gods being good. Atheism specifically is about not believing in divinity at all, not about the perceived mortality of any excising divinity. I really feel that it comes more from lazy media criticism, believing that the "subversion" inherently makes it more clever, occasional annoying reddit atheist aside. Anyway, sorry for dumping theses in your asks. :V

Nah, you're good anon! This is interesting stuff (and I like getting CR asks :D).

To be clear, the reason that I view the fandom debate as a discussion of establishment vs anti-establishment is that a lot of the "what if gods BAD" ideas are presented with a very Twitter-esque anti-authority burn-it-all-to-the-ground attitude; that is not to say that I actually think that's what the totality of the argument is, just that that tends to be the veneer. (And to be fair, some of my perspective on this is colored by Fire Emblem Three Houses discourse, where this is also usually framed around "the system" when it's usually for the reasons we're discussing, but I don't want the lines to get blurred here.)

So I think a lot of the reason why people making these claims with that attitude aren't engaging with alignment is because there are also gods who are chaotic good or neutral and lawful evil; I think a lot of the criticism of the gods is mostly just like, people being mad at Pelor and projecting that onto all of the pantheon. The notion of this actually, canonically being an establishment vs anti-establishment scenario falls apart because I don't think you can really make a decent case for why Sehanine or Avandra are more "establishment" than the guy who runs a wholeass death city built on rigid laws and power structures. I mean...why, because they're considered Good and Asmodeus is considered Evil? Yeah, that tends to happen when one side fights to preserve life and the other side rules over a plane dedicated to the torture and corruption of mortal souls.

That doesn't necessarily speak to whether or not the Exandrian pantheon playing the tropes straight is a good thing, I'm just saying it shouldn't have been a surprise when Calamity Part 4 dropped. We saw what the Nine Hells are like. We saw what Tharizdun did to Yasha and what its influence did to Cognouza. We been knew.

I think you're correct in that most of this ultimately comes from poor media criticism and wanting the subversion of expectations because it would be cool, but I think it's also because people don't want gods who were occasionally not accommodating to Blorbo Of The Month to be validated as "good". I tend to try to be as inclusive as I can to people who have suffered religious trauma, because I always want to respect and affirm that (especially as a religious person, but also because it's just the right thing to do), but I think it's also true that many people who propagate those ideas are not themselves sufferers of religious trauma but are willing to use that as a shield if it's available. And like, notwithstanding the fact that "the god you thought was good is actually bad" has been done often enough that it's no longer a subversion...guys, don't we have entire seasons of HBO's flagship show and half of a bloated cinematic universe to tell us why we shouldn't just subvert expectations for the hell of it?

And I'm not saying that needing everyone to immediately validate your blorbo and/or ship or else they are badwrongproblematic is a sign of emotional immaturity (it is), but I am saying that this attitude crops up most often in the same college kids whose idea of real activism begins and ends with "burn it all down".

[uncloseted]

Define “Devine feminine” and “masculine” for me ?

So there's a lot to say here, but basically, the idea of a "divine feminine" and a "divine masculine" (at least the way it's currently being used online) seems to be a kind of new-age misappropriation of the Chinese concept of "yin" and "yang"- two complementary forces that come together to make a whole. It seems like some of the people who are using these terms now believe that each of us contains both the "divine feminine" and "divine masculine", while others seem to believe that men have "divine masculine energy" while women have "divine feminine energy".

What these "energies" mean is usually gendered in a pretty traditional way. "Divine feminine energy" is usually traits like intuition, feeling, nurturing, receptivity, and interconnectedness, while "divine masculine energy" is usually traits like strength, action, rationality, integrity, and emotional endurance. People who teach people how to tap into their "divine feminine energy" often say that they're helping people "embrace their inner Goddess". Notably, I haven't really seen any men (or women) talking about tapping into their "divine masculine" or "embracing their inner God", so I think the "divine masculine" is mostly just something that exists by default as opposed to because it's become a movement within itself.

Abandoning whatever semblance of neutrality I've had in the rest of this post, if I'm honest, I think that the "divine feminine" stuff on social media recently is just a stop along the crunchy-to-alt-right pipeline. It appears to be mostly new age crystal girlies who find being a tradwife attractive but don't consider themselves to be conservative, so they justify their attraction to that lifestyle by saying that they're "tapping into their divine feminine energy," with the implication that that's just their natural place in the universe. It's just people who believe that women are naturally born to be subservient caregivers who belong in the kitchen with more steps, with the claim that it's empowering instead of oppressive, and with a vaguely Orientalist flair.

And don't get me wrong- to a degree, I get why this has become a thing. Things that have traditionally been considered "women's work" have been undervalued for a long time. The vast majority of us live in patriarchal societies that view woman as being "less than". The idea that traditionally feminine traits are not only valuable but necessary is, I think, incredibly validating for a lot of people. And rightly so- those traits are necessary and valuable, and the work that comes along with them is necessary and valuable. I want to be clear that there's nothing wrong with women making the choice to do what we might think of as traditionally feminine work or embrace what we might think of as traditionally feminine traits. But without men also "embracing the divine feminine" within themselves and without women "embracing the divine masculine" within themselves, to me it seems like patriarchy in a different costume, because it's rooted in a gender essentialist view of the world.

[psychelis-new]

Hi, psychelis! I hope you're doing well!

I want to ask if you have any tips in staying objective during channeling a message. I get the energy objectively when I first start channeling, but then my brain automatically take that into my perception, and so the reading then move according to my perception of the energy, not the energy itself. I do see some tarot reader also struggle with this cause their reading feels so subjective sometimes, like the energy don't match the translation they did. I think it would be harmful to provide a reading for public consumption when we're still struggling with this. Therefore, I really want to know how to overcome this state.

Thank you ahead of time, psychelis!

Hellooo I'm okay today thanks, hope you're well!

Okay let me try to explain my view and then let me know if any of what I am writing resonate or I got your words all wrong :)

As readers in order to deliver a proper message especially to others (be it pacs or personal readings), we need to take ourselves out of the energy of the reading. I think to do this, the most important thing we need to do is know ourself first, our triggers, our shadow, our unmet needs... whatever may get in the way and have us cage ourself and not be open enough to deliver the correct message out of any bias we may have. This includes also the reasons why we're channeling/reading: is it because we want to help others in anyway or because we want to be seen/validated/feel important...? (This is valid ofc, our *unconscious* feelings are valid, but it's something we need to heal or at least be aware of first, to be able to provide a good service imo). Anything that may trigger us and/or any emotion we may feel towards the person we're reading for and their situation (eg. comparing our own with theirs, feeling inferior/lacking...), needs to stay out of the way: other person, other life; it's not about us, we're nothing different from a phone when channeling. Or a language translator, if you rather. The moment we don't more or less unconsciously search for a sign for us during the reading we're providing or we don't compare with with we get, we can be sure what we're doing is okay. If we still have doubts about our job, we can ask for 1-2 cards (or you can use other divination methods): at times clarifications can help you realize if you're getting it right or not, or if you're getting in the way or not (but if you know your energy and your situation, you know when you're in the reading too).

Something else we can do, is meditating before starting to read or closing off/dissociating, simply by focusing more on the outside energy instead of the inside one. Every reader has their own method ofc, I personally tend to dissociate. I also use clairs most of the times when I read, so I focus on the feeling/words/images I get when focusing on a specific detail of a pile (for example) or of the energy I am reading for. What I also suggest, aside from taking time for yourself and healing/taking care of your own energy first and foremost, is to start by channeling for yourself (maybe every morning when you wake up, meditate or pull a card for your day), take a break, and then channel for others if you feel like you're in the right mental/emotional space: we also need to give from an excess of our energy; we cannot give well/objectively if we're healing a part of us and we feel depleted/overwhelmed cause of that or any other personal situation. [Random note: not all the tarot readers use energies: many just use tarots and rely on intuitively reading the cards they get together, which works as well especially if you have a good experience and knowledge about cards' meanings].

This said, I believe that to deliver the message we are getting (in whatever way we're are receiving it), we do need to base ourselves on our experience too, not just our intuition. Ofc at times we'll learn something new through readings or get wise words (that may work for us too, and that's good), but I noticed that, at least personally, I often get messages that I can connect with what is my personal experience or the experiences that I come to know of: this way I know what the situation is about and I can adapt the message to something more tangible, and give a better explanation and possibly be more accurate in my delivery. Always trying to stay behind the scenes ofc and being objective as the other's perception of a situation (or level of understanding/healing of it) is basically never the same as another one's/mine. What I mean is... try to put yourself in the other's shoes, with respect, understanding and kindness. It may not always work fine, but occasionally it's also a matter of how much the receiver is open to get that specific message.

And here we get to the next point: when we read (also for ourselves) or want to receive a message from a reader under determined circumstances (emotional/mental in particular), occasionally we may tend to be biased and wanting to hear determined words or specific signs. This way we guide and/or interpret the reading in a wrong way. We're not listening nor reading correctly, we're not open to get any message but just the message we want to hear. And this may happen also when readers work when too tired or stressed, overwhelmed by our problems... as mentioned in the beginning, we close off to energies, we "cage" ourselves and let our mind be closed off under our insecurities' bias. This won't do, as you said. And it's pretty "dangerous" to provide readings in this situation especially to others cause we may just end up triggering them for no reason, for example. When we read, is good to keep in mind about our emotional/mental situation and try to calm down before getting wrong infos and stress even more, also when we do it for ourselves. But it's also good to remember, it may not always solely be on us and our inability to read for a specific energy when a reading "doesn't work".

When receiving a message from a reader, the receiver always has the ability to realize when the reading is okay with them and when not. Especially when they're grounded enough to realize their own (mental/emotional) situation as well from an objective point of view. It's up to them to welcome a message, consider it (it can give them another perspective over a matter at least) or close off from it, refuse it (they may also not be ready to hear/understand that message and may need more time for it, or it really doesn't resonate with them; it's all good: it's also cause not all the readers can get every energy correctly or can read all of them for different reasons). Anyway. Relying too much on readings, not trusting your own intuition and view on the matter (whatever it is), is not something I suggest to do. Readings are never 100% correct and readers are humans too (as said). Readings cannot substitute your life's experience or the advice of a professional figure (if that's the case), they're mostly for support or entertainment. It's on the receiver as well to not take in a non-resonating message and also to give feedback, if they feel like: readers at times may misinterpret some cards or leave out a sentence (maybe cause of their own bias/situation or cause they just lose it while focusing on other aspects), and some cards may also get a specific message based on that specific reading/energy that they won't have any other time. Explanations between the two party to me are important also for further understanding/giving more insights/details that may be useful for both.

[ventbloglite]

GC's, TERF's and other such transphobes claiming to be feminists like haleysaphicorner really baffle me in how incidentally sexist and just downright strange and unusual they are about women. And by women I mean cis women, and the concept of being a woman, womanhood etc (as well as the no-brainer hatred of trans women.) whilst claiming to defend them!

In their attempts to 'save' women and the concept of womanhood, they say things which actively degender women (including cis women), reduce women and womanhood down to sex only and place suffering whilst being born with a vagina as the only thing which truly shows womanhood outside of sex. All whilst judging the body types of other cis women, based on attractiveness and stereotypical femininity as well as choice of lifestyle, dress and personality traits. All of this which is done by the patriarchy. All of this which is done by the worst kinds of misogynistic cishet men you can think of. These things they are saying to 'protect womanhood' are exactly what has been used to oppress women for centuries. And they don't see it.

In your race to be 'critical' of gender 'theory' and destroy trans peoples ability to identify as they feel instead of what others tell them to be, you are directly contributing to the lines of misogynistic thinking that oppress all women.

The Patriarchy wants to see you as just some female, fit for your biological purposes and inherently defined by them! (Periods, having female reproductive organs and genitalia, being able to conceive and give birth, having large or at least noticable breasts). There is a huge difference between refusing to be seen as 'weaker' because of these body parts, which you may or may not view as special/valuable and insisting that they are the only or main thing of importance about being a woman at all.

The Patriarchy wants you to value yourself based on your level of conventional attractiveness (having the 'right kind' of 'female' body).

The Patriarchy causes you suffering and tells you it's 'because you are a woman/what makes you a woman'.

And TERF's etc believe it and promote it themselves because they hate trans people. Literally their hatred of trans people actually seems higher than their love for women and hatred of misogyny. It's a total misdirection that misogynists are laughing at. Fight the trans 'enemy' instead of the patriarchy and the Big Man laughs.

They would rather decide that animals have evolved these techniques because of a fear of rape* and the hatred of the bogies they make out of men in order to 'prove' that being female/a woman is based on suffering (ignoring the high rates of rape for trans women ofc). They would rather decide that they (and all cis women) are more of just a female and less of an actual woman, actively degendering women down to their base state, a less human state (and not in a fun therian way), a less of a person if you will, than share a gender with a trans person. Or in the case of trans men and AFAB nonbinary people (they are not ready to learn about intersex people), share a sex with someone who is not a woman.

If that's the hill they want to die on, then theyc an die on it. But they clearly have no respect for or understanding of women, womanhood or themselves which isn't dripping in misogyny as well as transphobia. Astounding how you can belong to a gender and so vastly misunderstand that you are more than 'just a female' and that womanhood looks different and is valid for every woman who should never be reduced to just genitalia or made to believe in 'divine suffering' instead of trying to actively change things for women so they don't have to suffer.

By the way; * I don't know about the spiders, but female ducks evolved that way not because 'all' duck sex is rape because Duck Patriarchy or some shit you believe to have in common with ducks (again in terms of actual human on human rape and sexual violence you do directly share that with trans women), but because it gives them active control over who does and doesn't get to impregnate them. They will relax their vaginas to allow a drake they like to actually ejaculate where he needs to, and keep it contracted and difficult to navigate for those she doesn't no matter how hard they try. Ducks are not walking away with trauma from 'being raped' and considering it 'part of what makes them a female'. They're walking away confident that this idiot just shot his load into an random pocket whilst her beau gets to make eggs with her. Have a source I guess.

[leonbloder]

Questioning God

Many years ago, I taught a class on what it meant to experience God.  One of the sessions dealt with how to respond to doubts about God's presence or even existence when dealing with hard things. 

A sweet couple attending the class revealed that neither one had ever doubted God nor had a moment when they questioned what God was up to.  

They said they simply accepted everything that happened to them or the world around them as God's will.  

"I would never dream of questioning God," the lady told the class.  

The rest of the class was quiet for a while, but finally, an older lady spoke up and said, "Not everyone feels that way. I have a lot of questions for God.  I hope I get to ask them one day and get some answers."  

I believe many faithful people practice their faith in such a way that they nod to both of those points of view.  They have struggled to understand why bad things happen, but they save their questions for "one day."  

So, many of us resign ourselves to the notion that we won't ever find answers in this life, so why bother asking?  It's easier to keep moving, stuff our struggles deep down inside of us, and try to find peace on our own--even if it never comes.  

We also lose sight of the fact that surrendering ourselves to God doesn't mean we must adopt a no-questions-asked mentality for fear of incurring God's displeasure. 

Author Jackie Hill Perry addressed this very thing so beautifully: 

Uncovering what hurts, hurts.  Thinking about whatever is unclear is frustrating.  If you decide not to ask God any questions regarding these things, you can go on with your life, maintain your sense of control and manufactured peace.  But to do that is to deny yourself the opportunity of giving God your whole self. 

I've said this before, but I'll repeat it because it bears repeating:  God can handle our questions.  Further, if the God we believe in doesn't want to be questioned, we must rethink what we think about God. 

Chances are, if we think God doesn't want to be questioned, we do not really believe in God, but a god that we've constructed from our own subconscious to either fulfill or reflect some deep-seated fear that is a response to religious trauma. 

It's always challenging to uncover what hurts.  Uncertainty isn't comfortable.  

But we have a choice.  We can choose to never live a self-examined life, or we can throw back the curtains to the windows of our soul and let the light shine in to reveal what it may.  

It might be easier to staunchly claim that God is at the root of our struggles and that our job is to just endure it because it's God's will, but that's not a valid thing, no matter how we wish it for simplicity's sake.  

Life is lifey.  Things that are absolutely not God-driven or God-caused happen to us and around us.  

God is not giving us a test to see whether we pass.  God is with us as we walk through the hardships and the valleys of death.  God is beside us, even as we suffer, mourning as we mourn.  

And we can draw near to that God in complete intimacy if we choose.  We can surrender ourselves to God by simply desiring God's presence and the comfort it brings when we no longer wish to be in control.  

We can also draw nearer still to this God by wondering why.  We can ask many questions without fear that God will leave us standing in the dark.  We can scream them into what might feel like the void, but it is anything but.  

And what seems like the void is the same stillness, the same "no-thing-ness" that the prophets and poets in every age have come to understand as the eternal, universal Divine presence that doesn't need an earthquake, thunder, and lightning to reveal Godself. 

All it needs is a voice speaking from within us that says: "I am," or more accurately translated from the ancient Hebrew, "I am... for you."  

May it be so, and may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us all, now and forever. Amen.  

[dying4urlove]

(this “review” was originally posted on goodreads)

i wasn’t gonna write a review because i feel so much pressure to defend my point of view with evidence from the book, but then i remembered that i don’t have to do that actually and i can just talk about how i feel about the book. how freeing to reframe my writing about this book from review to meditation (the act of focusing one’s mind). that’s exactly what i did as i wrote this. it’s not a review as much as it is a stream of consciousness. i think that i will write these meditations for every book that moves me to do so. (in contrast to writing a review for every book i read. i think if i were to do that, i would quickly tire of writing about books and i never want to experience that. or i should say, i don’t wanna experience that so soon. i don’t wanna experience that EVER, but life and human nature are funny and unexpected.) so, my book meditations begin with healing through the dark emotions by miriam greenspan.

anyways, this book was a gift granted to me by the Divine when i most needed it. i believe that i’m currently in a state of transformation and this book played major parts in that. while reading this, i was constantly reaffirmed that everything i’m witnessing and experiencing is not new or individual. that the really intense feelings of disconnect and despair (because of the disconnect) i’m feeling are valid. although the version of the book that i read probably predated the influence of current social media on our lives, the relationship between humans and media (tv shows, movies, and video games) can be further applied to social media. i don’t think i’m gonna expand on what i mean by that because i want you to read the book and understand what i mean for yourself. however, i think reading this book at this point in my life was necessary because i saw the cyclical nature of life (and of human nature).

this book also gave me the tools i need to take the dark emotions i didn’t realize i was experiencing (because they were lying silently underneath the surface of my skin) and transform them into action. throughout the book, miriam greenspan not only acknowledges that the dark emotions are difficult to come to terms with, but also actively calls you to act based those emotions. to not just sit with them, but to figure out the best way to move with them. to carry the seeds of fear, despair, and grief and plant them somewhere they can grow and alchemize into something much more powerful and meaningful for yourself and others. being told to do this gently and repeatedly over several days moved me emotionally and psychologically and i’m, in turn, moving myself physically.

there was probably more that this book did for me that’s hard for me to put into words, but i’m learning that it’s okay if things are ineffable at times. all i can say is my rating of this book is just that - mine. what this book does or does not do for you depends on you. on your needs. on your desires. on your feelings. on your current state of being. take from it what you will! i know i will be carrying the words and impact of this book for years to come. i read this book as an e-book, but i’m gonna order a hard copy because it’s one of those books you have to refer back to constantly. you have to make notes in it and re-read it and annotate it because you read something at a different part of your life and something the author said makes so much more sense now. “healing through the dark emotions” is a book I believe we need now more than ever, but it is also a book that is timeless. happy reading should you choose to embark on reading this trove of wisdom!

[cato-of-blamesociety]

32 Weeks Tracklist/Song Picks pt. 4 (weeks 25-31)

How/Why did I choose/chose to use the songs I did

*Full breakdown, updated in real time(weekly)*

25. Mood 4 Eva x Beyonce ft. Jay-Z, Childish Gambino, Oumou Sangare

Yooo!! We have arrived to the final videos of the project. I don’t know how you feel, I hope that you feel…well idk understood?? If you are of my flesh and blood family, I hope you feel heard, validated, celebrated, and overall loved. If you are a follower, I hope you feel connected to me and my work. If you are a person who just happened to stumble upon this…(yeah right), but if so 😉, I hope you visit, and revisit all the aspects of this project and find that you are just like me; human AF!! I had to do one for my mama y'all. So this will sort of a shout out to film by Beyoncé, “Black is King”. Now for those that don’t know, or haven’t had a chance, the movie is basically like it’s own telling of “The Lion King” but with amazing colors, outfits, nod to spirituality, highlights of life, and more. I fell in love with the story/narrative that we are “Simba” finding our way, and even though we get lost, our ancestors, loved ones, and elders are guiding us, covering us, and wishing the best for us. On a another level, I view it as Beyoncé's love letter to her son, but I also interpret it as a metaphor that the Divine Black Goddess(not Beyoncé) but the spirit of life/love/nurture/nature, BIG feminine energy is here for me and always has been. Each visual has amazing imagery, and the music is phenomenal. The African artists, and influences make the album feel like its our DNA. With that being said, I knew after writing to “Cuff It”, I would return to another Beyoncé track. I was leaning towards something off "Renaissance", "EVERYTHING IS LOVE", or "The Gift". "Renaissance" had so many picks, but really, none that I really attached to, and could write something meaningful. "EVERYTHING IS LOVE", well….actually, never mind that for now. We will be back to talk about it in about 5 more posts (I really didn’t think I was going write to anything on that album). “The Gift” had so many bangers. Initially I attempted to create something to “BIGGER”. The actually song moves me to tears when I think about; how much my wife does, and more recently, how I’m endlessly exhausted being in this process. I hummed some sh*t, but nothing actually stuck. “Find Your Way Back” was another that I could freestyle to, but nothing that I thought I use for #32weeksMixtape. OMG…”Already”!!?? I couldn’t…I just couldn’t disrespect that mf like that haha. “Waters”, “My Power”, and “Scar” are all inviting but for whatever reason, “Mood 4Eva” just felt more like me. As soon as I gave myself to idea of it, the words came to me. I knew it would be about my amazing mother. She has gotten even more full of grace over the years, more understanding, and I would dare say, more loving. Anyway, Mama, I highly doubt you will ever see this, but I want to say it again just in case. I love you so much. I sincerely appreciate your guidance, your light, and commitments to the development of your children.

26. Calling x Metro Boomin ft. Swae Lee, NAV, A Boogie wit da Hoodie

Sooo, just a reminder and to avoid redundancies, please 👉🏾check out the blog posts for weeks 17-24, specifically week22👈🏾 to get background info on my search throughout the "METRO BOOMIN PRESENTS SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE SOUNDTRACK". I want to jump right in. "Calling" was written after my youngest sister, Neisha, confided in me about a dilemma. I want to say(can't remember for certain) she was very embarrassed or at least wanted to keep that dilemma confidential. I thought based on prior info, that the situation had changed for her, but basically she made it known that it never did. I wanted her and my other sister, Deonna, that I was one that can always be trusted with any info, because I know the value of being that special ear, and heart for others. That's really what the track is about. The original line opening the verse was; "I'm your brother, your motherf*cking brother...' but I felt that was too aggressive and since it was a spider track, I wanted my children to be able to hear it. When I say, "I truly get it, I get to my core..." it's a reference to understanding how hard it can be to tell the people we love the most, the truth about who we are. For me, it was telling my mom after over 20years of going to church, that I no longer believed /followed Christianity. It was big deal for Mama. She thought she did something wrong but as a person who is seeking truth, and wanting to find freedom in this life, my beliefs and journey took me down a different path. The line about wearing a mask to cover shame...whew chile!! That one carries so much weight. Shame is something we all try to avoid, and as a fellow(rather former) mask wearer, I know when people have those barriers up. We think they protect us(THEY DON'T), but really embracing that shame, or confronting it(by being open, honest, and vulnerable) we learn to let it go. When we let shame go, we become stronger. Gwen Stacy takes off her mask(honest, confronts shame) and it literally saved her and her father's life! As a person who is trying to become a better version of themselves, I recognize that it takes time for folks to attain that level of honesty. Sh*t, there are things I still need time for as well. I think I touch on this in the video description, but, I wanted the video to show Peter B. Parker as the 'brother'. Gwen bonded with him and Miles (and the other spider people) in the previous movie. Peter is the OG, who taught Miles, but in the end, learned from him. He becomes a father, he is a great friend( to even Miguel, who is obviously hurt in ways that can't be seen) and overall when Peter enters the room, you feel the sigh of comedic relief. I see myself as Peter and my sisters as Gwen. Peep the video where I say "I'm the one that you can trust" and it's a quick reminder that Peter has felt the same way Gwen does. At the end of the film, Gwen appears outside of Peter's window...she is literally "Calling" him for help. Deonna and Deneisha, if you see this, I hope you know you can call me WHENEVER, for WHATEVER! I hope you enjoy the visuals and the song!!

27. Rebuke x KAYTRAMINÉ

Ok, so I will attempt to keep this one brief! Going back to phase 1, I lay out how Kaytranada was new to me(week5). Well after writing to "Grey Area", I knew I wanted to use another Kaytranada instrumental. The issue was, I didn't know where to go. I put it on the back burner...and then..some time went by and I find out that Kay and Aminé teamed up for a collaboration album; self-entitled: "KAYTRAMINÉ". Aminé is cold in so many ways. For me, I think his voice and the way is vocals come out to crispy clean get me each time. One of my favorite tracks he did was "Invincible" for the "Into the Spiderverse" Soundtrack. When that song comes on, and I am actively listening...I get goosebumps and teary eyed as f*ck. Needless to say, a full album by him and Kay had me amped. Even the first track "Who He Iz" comes in hot. Kay's production is so catchy, but makes you move, but is always f*cking weird...idk how to describe it. I just know I love it. "letstalkaboutit" is another one that I had on repeat...lets see; here is the last of my favs: "Westside", "Master P", "UGH UGH", and of course "Rebuke". I think "Rebuke" stuck with me due to its lightness. I originally had been in a place (while writing #32weeksMixtape) where I wanted to write more about my wife and I's relationship. That verse ended up in week 17: "Don't Let The Devil". The original opening lines to "Rebuke" were "Giving up? I refuse/I'm not enough? I rebuke/Letting in those types of thoughts will only sink the cruise". I go on a run about the Rugrats movie, Tom(Tommy) Crusie/Nicole Kidman and religion...and then compare our relationship to Bey and Jay....Then something at work or life in general wasn't moving as planned and I really needed to talk to my homies. I outline in the description of "Rebuke | remix" video how for a week no one I contacted picked up, called back, or responded to my texts. I know that seems dramatic, but literally I took that feeling and began writing what now is Week 27; "I been trying to keep a plus sign, but these minuses keep adding up..." Side note: During the process of recording #32weeksMixtape I did have strep. I want to say that's when this verse was written. You can hear the strain/change in my voice on week 20: "RUN | remix". This verse was so much fun. The singing of "f*ck you" just has so much power in it lol. Anyway I hope you enjoy! I hope that the video gets remixed and memed up.

28. Wings x Mac Miller

Before I starting typing this week's blog post, I wanted to go back and revisit week 9's post first. Week 9's message, the song and the post, are fairly identical to this one. At this point you should know I am a big fan of Mac's and still bump is music on a healthy rotation. I mentioned before that "Faces" was very cringy for me but has become sort of a pacifier for my panic attacks of being overwhelmed in this process; seemingly not receiving any recognition for the work/effort/time/vulnerability I put in this project. The intro to "It just doesn't Matter", which is Bill Murray's monologue from the movie Meatballs, makes be tear up each time. The idea that I can do all this work and possibly reach that level of satisfaction I have been searching for (finding financial freedom from the music I create), or remain a broke artist that no one cares about...doesn't even matter. It really has become my mantra when I feel myself judging myself for not getting enough likes/listens/views/f*cking attention for a post or track! "Cato," I tell myself, "none of this sh*t matters anyway!". I then... and please understand this literally happened on the day I released week 28(1/18/24)...write a post on here reminding myself that I am my favorite rapper and that is a huge accomplishment. I then threw on my visuals on my tv and watch the beautiful work I had took time to create. I cried...like ugly cried. But it felt so good to remember what I have done so far. Today(1/19/24), sitting in my car before walking into work, I record a message reminding *myself* that I am dope, and that the validation is from within, not external (added to the aforementioned post). Y'all, I had to release that negative burden! Let me tell you why. Again, 28 was written to remind the homies that them not helping me out/supporting(which is all perceived through my own perspective making this feeling a distorted thought; who knows how they were actually supporting/helping me?) and that I was at the point to say "If you don't/won't/can't be here with me, for whatever reason...i am ok with it. I won't push you, I won't argue, I won't beg. Like I get it, you have other priorities." Soooo...as you recall, week 9 drops, and leading up to that release P passes. I had agreed to continue my project because I know he would appreciate the work. P understood my craft, he knew how dope of a writer I am, just like I know how dope he is. I made it a mission that when I hit week 28, I would dedicate to him. It only makes sense because once he died, that mf song sounded like I wrote it on his personal behalf. So with all that mind, I used as much footage as I could find/that I had/and others sent me. I f*cking cry while putting it all together. I post it, and...wow, crickets! I felt like on social media especially, I wasn't getting any digital love. I thought for sure that this video and subsequent snippets, because of its sentiment would at at least attract more attention because his family and friends would want to see it...right? 🤷🏾‍♂️ At this moment, I was wrong. So back to "It just doesn't matter". I froze in my tracks(1/18/24) and remembered that my brother appreciates this and that's who it was made for. That's when I re-watched my prior videos, starting with week 28. I can get swept up in the addictive feeling of being validated through social media just like the next person. Today, I know to feel what I need to, but then get my ego/pride/self out of the way. I told myself I will not drop another teaser for this video....at least for awhile, so that I can be sure my selfishness of wanting to be recognized as an artist doesn't take away from the fact that a man has died and his family/friends will never be the same. P, I love you. I'm sorry that my hat didn't come soon enough for me to wear it at your ceremony like we talked about. I wore it in the video for you. ~LLP🕊💙💙

29. 2010 x Earl Sweatshirt

So, spoiler alert (not really) I am fairly new to Earl. I never got on board with Odd Future back in the day. I didn't understand the vibe, and felt they were too weird. So far, I regret that narrow-mindedness because I mess with Tyler for real now, and I have (listened to The Internet, Steve Lacy, and Frank Ocean) and realized I missed an era. &lt;;<I just watched "Oldie" and now I get it. That last verse sums it up>> Either way, my intro to Earl I believe came from Mac Miller's Watching Movies. Earl is featured on "I'm Not Real"(one of my favs from that album). I then heard "Wool" I think slide across my Spotify when I had Vince Staples on random. For some reason Earl's line about " Fifties in my pocket falling out like fucking baby teeth..." had me hooked. Earl's feature on Faces: New Faces v2 is what really had me feeling like I needed to check him out seriously. The homie Brandon was also invested in my Earl education. I believe that during the #32weeksMixtape writing era, I did actually vibe through "Sick!". I don't think I had any issues with it. Earl's flow is so strange to me. It lowkey reminds me how Nas' skills are. You think they are going to rhyme a certain way, but then the bar is syncopated, or the rhyme/word you thought they would use doesn't come immediately, or at all! Earl even has this, almost slur type of delivery that I did have to get accustomed too. I got into Frank Ocean about a year and a half ago (I know...leave me alone) and that was hugely due to Dissect Podcast that I have mentioned before. Anyway, the host goes into detail about Earl's perfectly delivered verse on "Super Rich Kids". This was another reminder that I needed to check him out. Back to Sick!, On the Podcast...I can't remember which episode, it could be in the Mac Miller (s9) when they breakdown "2009". They tell the listeners that Earl and other friends of Mac's had made songs in the same manner as 2009. Earl's was 2010. SICK! by itself is fire but given the reason behind the track, and the challenge of attempting to rhyme on a weird Earl beat fired me up to write to 2010. This one is special to me, and I know I say that about all the songs on 32weeks, but this was another one I played for Paris that last day I saw him. He was f*cking with it. I had fun coming up with the string of metaphors...and my favorite one is the lines about going to outer space. I start it off with "on a rocket ship.." heading to build a colony...which is my way of saying B.L.A.M.E. will be what I said it would be. I then relay that to setting a table and even though you may not be here with me right now, it's ok if you join later..."I will save some space for you..." This line really is for Tyson. He really doesn't/didn't believe after all the times I told him, I want him apart of the movement. Take ya time, I have a place for you, and a plate for you [at the table]. "Imma add another leaf[as in add another section to the table to extend/make it longer], to make room for some New Faces. Cause back in '09..." This is what makes love this track. I tie in Mac's New Faces v2 from his Album Faces...which of course features Earl...but I also bring up 09...which is from Mac's Swimming which is why 2010 was inspired...you see the layers...but also notice that in Earl's 2010, and Mac's 2009, they are reflecting on how life wasn't as great, it was darkness before the light and the same relates to me. I was arrested in 2008, and due to how it went down, I was banned from school campus and activities. I couldn't attend my prom or my graduation. So taking all of that frustration and using it to move forward is a form of strength to me. Anyway I hope you enjoy the track and visuals.

30. ADHD x Joyner Lucas

Ok first off, It's been a hell of a week. I have literally felt like sh*t since dropping week29. Like all the symptoms that I list in the song hit me like that morning! Like n*gga, I was sick on my mf day off! On top of that, I am writing this on a Saturday afternoon vs my Friday evening because my younger son also got sick. I express on week 24 how Elijah is energetic af. He never stops moving. When he gets sick though, he is still as a rock, and it f*cking breaks my heart. I hate when anyone in my house gets ill, but Elijah with no energy is just depressing. Today(this morning), my elementary school's basketball team I was coaching, season ended. We made it to the 2nd game of the tournament but didn't win and couldn't move forward. We ended the season with 3W-4L. I really hoped they would push all the way to the championship...there is always next year. Lastly, I have been meaning to find a way to work in updates about weight....I know "Cato why tf would we want to know that??". Truly it's for documentary purposes. I believe I already shared that #32weeksMixtape is just a leg of the process. Next project with 32weeks is the book. Everything that happened in these 32weeks is up to be discussed, my weight included. Around September, I noticed that my weight was going up...slowly but increasing nonetheless. I usually hang around 215lbs as my baseline. My true goal weight is 200lbs(which, may be impossible lol but I refuse to quit). The closet I have gotten to that goal was 207lbs. As we rolled through 2023's cold season holidays, I realized my workout regiment wasn't as consistent and I wasn't giving my all when I did workout. I definitely wasn't getting enough sleep, and my eating/snacking was out of balance. By 1/1/24, I was up to 233lbs. That's a big jump in a small amount of time. I started freaking out the first week of the new year, but then I reminded myself, "We have done this before!" I have. I started to chill with the snacks, getting back to upping my water intake, lowkey ate an apple every morning, and a granola bar for breakfast/morning snack, and have been packing my lunch with filling but low cal foods (i.e. homecooked leftovers(that hasn't changed), carrots + mini naan breads with hummus(delish), and a smaller portion of my salty bbq chips with a fruit cup/applesauce. Today, 2/3/24, I am at 223lbs! Yeah, that's right, I am down 10lbs. The last change I did was actually weighing myself each morning, and recording it. Tracking my weight is like a reminder, "Bro, we have a goal, lets not deviate."

----Ok now back to the music! This song was written when I didn't know what to write. I had already mentioned that in week 25, Joyner's ADHD album is filled with bangers. This one, just had the vibe that pulled me in. The singing I do at the beginning, "I think my pen is like eyes..." wow! That was what came to me quickly. I know I had to use it. I really did shed tears while writing alot of these songs, and the idea like Jay's "Song Cry", where he is telling you he can't see himself crying, so he has to make the song cry for him, is the premise. In the visuals I utilize Master Jiraiya because he is a renowned legendary ninja, who plays a significant role in inspiring his village and his mentee. In the end he writes his last message which is a warning for his village. That to me had me tears. RIP Master Jiraiya. I start the verse by saying, "Maybe it's my nerves, wrapping up these verses. The most I've ever written. Lately, feeling more coerced." This is truly how I felt. I felt like I had given all that I had, and that at this point I am pushing out bullsh*t. But nevertheless, the process is the process. There is a hint about my album to come in the song, "I been talking about magic, alchemy, and how I've changed, love is magic, making gold bars outta spare change". The album is inspired by my favorite novel, but I use the concept to show that we can change our world/life with love and introspection...among other things. The string of lines where I say I'm not trying to make a hit....everything in those lines tell you that type of artist I want to be to you. Allow me to be the soundtrack that drives you. Lastly, I want to end this post with a shout out to Joyner. I still don't know how involved he is with his visuals, but they are so cool. Check out his video for ADHD, and then look at how they made that sh*t. I respect Joyner's hustle out here. To the person reading this right now, I hope you know that you are loved, and I hope you never give up, no matter what your goal is!

31. LOVEHAPPY x The Carters (Beyoncé + Jay Z)

Man...we are one away from being all done! Ok so how to describe what is going on in this song. 🤔Well, let's start with the concept. First off, this truly was the last verse written. I was thinking and reflecting on what instrumental to use. I was playing with some ideas like; Rich Flex x Drake & 21 Savage, Crazy Mood x Grind2Hard Osh'a, East Point Prayer x Vince Staples, like 3 tracks off of 'Kids See Ghosts', and Dreaming of the Past x Pusha T. But then something crazy happened. Just as the week 31's verse says, I was meeting with Tyson. It was a long drive to him but it was worth it. I was able to see his face, chit chat, share some of the new tunes (esp the last track/32). We were discussing the importance of connecting with people and having accountability for what we do. We talked about goals, and the project. I leave, and literally about 1 exit away from home I change the song on my phone(it was clicked into the phone holder on the dashboard). I look up, my exit is coming up and I was about to miss it. Had I been thinking, I would have stayed on the highway and turned around hopping back on the highway at the next exit.---Mind you, there had been a lot of construction on this portion of the highway and so there were a lot of those tall/skinny orange/reflective white cones lining the road. I swerve to make my exit. I turned too hard, and then overcorrected hitting one of those cones. It caused my driver side mirror to close into the the driver's window. The mirror shattered, the casing broke, and there was other slight damage.

The first thing I want to say is I am grateful that I didn't roll the vehicle, hit another vehicle, or injure myself. Here's the sad part that just shows how ridiculous my thinking was. Erin had been reminding me over and over for weeks to stop engaging with my phone while driving. I ignored her warnings. This happens, and I began to freak out. I don't want to let her down, but what I do next was a lame a** move. I began looking up estimates to fix the mirror...because we were supposed to take my car to Chicago for a couples getaway and to see Beyoncé live in concert(Renaissance World tour) like within the next 3 weeks. During my freak out I call her to see where she is. She says she isn't that far. I know that I was supposed to make dinner. I realized that some of the ingredients I needed, weren't in the pantry. I ask her if she could stop and grab some black beans. *I know stupid and hella manipulative*. She denies and tells me to pivot to a different meal. I couldn't tell you what I ended up making. I should have told her right then what happened...but I didn't. Fast-forward, she gets to the house and immediately begins asking what happened. I tell her then and that's how the final verse was thought up. We had a long talk about other areas I was slacking in around the house. The reason was mostly because I was deep in writing, recording, and building the concept of #32weeksMixtape.

I am so grateful that I was able to find a damn near matching full mirror and casing for under $100(and that's with the express shipping), grateful that Big Bro Dave was able to install it for me, and especially grateful that Erin still saw my heart. The line about her saying she would leave me is true. It would either be from me not listening to her(as in taking her warnings for me/her/our safety serious) or for constantly making expensive mistakes that lowkey re-traumatize her. With all the other references to us being like The Carters(week 17 for instance) I knew this verse would be written to a "EVERYTHING IS LOVE" song. There were a few contenders: "SUMMER", "BOSS", "FRIENDS", and "713". I love them all, but the way Jay Z is still lamenting about his mistakes, and tells how he had to make things right, plus the tempo and style of "LOVEHAPPY" had my brain spilling out the lyrics. My favorite lines are the quotes. Those were my takeaways; Listen and apply, just communicate when sh*t happens, make better choices or lose it all(my family or my actual life), and family comes first. I hope you don't make silly, careless, and dangerous choices like I did. I pray that you take care of yourself and live your life fully with a person whom you call your soulmate and the you experience LOVEHAPPYness. If no has told you today, I love you, and always will. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 💙💙💙

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/3/2023

I’m realizing now the shame that i feel, basically everyday moving through my body. I feel shame basically all of my waking life, but i choose not to focus on it and just keep buying it down. Well i dont feel it every moment, but i do have a shame complex and a comparing complex. I realize the ways jealous is a big part of my experience with myself and with others. I feel jealously just like anyone else, but i’ve always denied it. Im happy that now i can express it and truthfully point out that its here. 

Being able to point out the feelings that are present in me has been such a big help in me discovering myself. All of those feelings are a part of me and being able to point them out allows them to be seen and enables me to create a relationship with the different parts of me.

I’m starting to separate the shame i feel from the groundedness i feel in my magick. When i live my life as if i am magic i feel stronger, more powerful. Like im finally taking my place in the cosmos. When I deny my magick i feel separate. Maybe my magick is just my connection with divinity. Which in turn is my connection with all things. It feel good to feel a part of this whole. Knowing that i am a small fragment of this bigger consciousness, but also an important part, or i wouldnt be here. 

I’ve felt so much shame about my body and the person that I am. Im still processing it all and also processing the physical abuse i’ve experienced. 

I got distracted by Leah who sent me a reel. I miss her. I miss sharing space with someone else. I liek having someone around, but i also like having my own space. Me and jordan were talking about living together at one point, and i just dont know about that. Thats seems like a lot of processing for me. It seems so lesbian to move in together so quickly, but theyve become a very important person in my life very quickly. I truly appreciate them and want to make sur eim not creating a situation out of loneliness and desperation. 

But that does bring up the shame around my body. When i feel body shame i kinda just dive deeper into my vices. 

Literally every time i start talking about my body i get distracted. Ugh. this is a hard spot for me. My body and my body issues. The worthiness that i feel around my body. I feel like im not worthy because im fat. I feel like im fat because im not a good person taking care of myself, and i feel shame for not taking care of myself. Ugh. what a cycle. Its all dug in so deeply. The shame is so deep to where even when im actively telling myself that i am always worth of love and there is nothing wrong with me i dont even believe it. 

I can see the ways where im still looking for validation from outside of me. I want that validation. Why cant i give that validation to myself. Or why is it that when i try to validate myself i dont believe it. I’m trying to be slow and compassionate with myself and allow myself to be loved by me bit by bit. I do feel the part pf me that thinks i need to get this done now. Like im running out of time. I’m actually in a really good spot. Im in a place where i know who i am, i know whats here, i’m open to discovering more, and im open to changing my views in order to support the whole. 

Shame isnt bad, its just here. Pain isnt bad its just here. Its all here. Every part of me deserves to be loved. Every part of me is here to be loved and to start working together. Im feeling the urge to smoke right now, im wondering what part of me is that. The part of me that doesnt wanna feel on this earth? The part of me that likes feeling ungrounded? Im not sure. I like that i live in discovery. 

Why are my morning pages so hard to write today? Maybe its because im a little out of practice. I remember reading in a little document about self care for creatives that the author didnt have consistency in her practice until about 4 years in. that makes me feel better because i like JUST started. I really do feel like a new life started for me every since i started going to Stop 43. Like, i wanna be able to do all the exciting things i’ve always wanted and live life with playfulness and joy. I want this all to be a game. So these morning pages are part of the points i can accumulate. I dont get point taken, only added. And maybe each month i can calculate how many points i just just to quantify. That makes sense. And then ill use my podcast to summarize the previous month. I should post that on monday. Ill record on sunday. 

I keep thinking about doing the OF and i know im thinking of it because im desperate for money, but also im working through a lot of body stuff now. Im thinking about the value judgements im putting on sex work. Its still the “its ok for other people but not for me” thing and i dont know why thats there. What is it that doesnt feel aligned? I know a lot of it is personal conditioning. A lot of it is from living this double life where sex and being sexual was prosecuted but then also celebrated. This is the problem i have. These different truths that live inside me. The truth hat feels better is the one that is not attached to shame. The one that is a healthy expression of my sexual side. I like when other people think i’m hot. I like when other people like me. I get off on that. What was the thing that i said to jordan the other day?

Once i was getting a massage by a male masseuse and i was moaning so much at one point he was like “ugh i love you”. And i wasnt turned on by him, but i was turned on by the fact that he was turned on by me.

I think the shame around my body and others bodies are just projections from what other people put on me. I actually transcend the body and am attracted to the energy. But lets not get it twisted, i do have two working eyes and am definitely attracted to peoples bodies. And for it it doesnt matter what gender they adhere to or not. A sexy person is a sexy person for me. That can be a combination of body and spirit. I think some people out here just have a sexy spirit. Like, yo, you got a spirit i wanna get myself intertwined with to create a cosmic connection that transcends time and space, you know?

I’ve been really horny these past few days. Like. i wanna get fucked, but not just by anyone. Im really gonna invest in a fuck machine. I just love getting fucked. But man, i really fo love getting fucked by the right person. Like, having them inside me and they knowing exactly what to hit. That makes shit amazing for me. I can feel them and i want them inside me right now. 

God im horny af lol. Maybe if i exercise and work out itll help me move that energy around. I do need to work out. I havent yet this week, which is alright. My body has been really sore an dim happy to give it the break it needs. Once im done with typing these pages i’ll work out and then eat breakfast. Im prolly gonna smoke before i workout just so i can relax into my stretches. My body feels much looser since Jordan gave me that massage. Shit that was so fucking hot. I love the parameters and not being able to turn around and kiss him. That was hot. Ugh. theres this sexual tension that i feel when i think about them. Fuck man. I was thinking about Mira the other night and totally getting off. Fuck i am so lucky they like and and also so lucky they like to fuck me. 

Damn. im craving pizza rn. But i have all those eggplant slices i fried up. Those were really good. Im grateful to have so much yummy food in my fridge and i need to make sure i eat them. I keep consuming and having things in my fridge that im not eating. And i know when jordan comes we will end up ordering more food lol. I wonder what the food and the sex and the drugs are helping to fill. Comfort? Probably. Ive always delt with feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Thats been changing as i choose to be in space where i can be vulnerable. I love spaces where i can just drop my guard and relax. Im grateful for trusting and safe space.

Fuck man, i cant wait for spring to hit, i’ll be at the beach the MOMENT it hits 70 degrees. It looks like thats in May. I’m excited for the summer. Summer always hits for me. I cant wait for the wedding work, and the beach, and the explorations i’ll get to do on the outsides in nature. Im grateful for the exciting life i have and i know itll keep getting better. I’m excited to learn and grow more. Ok. time to smoke and work out!