#hey josh brolin whats going on here

[shitpostroundhouse]

1) That would be an interesting, creepy, and uncomfortable day. Let's see, though. The one actual coworker who is only 50 is the kinda straight guy who more awkwardly than not praises the gay-asexual-intersex-/queer-intersex/-lesbianj-trans/ community ("GAI-QuILT Community"), in this such a way, "Hey, I don't care who you love or who you sleep with. To each their own, right? It doesn't affect me. Why are people so upset all the time?" (Gary, you're gay. Yes, think about it. You don't like your wife. There's at least two guys here whose butts you pat at least once a week, even though nobody else has ever done that here in the 92 years of this medical claims office...

2) Now you're a pederast. You wrote a poem about a 15 year boy. Not just any poem. Was any of us supposed to read this? I mean, he's a lovely, lovely boy, but following him around Venice during a plague, well heck, maybe that's the next project...

new yaoi just dropped

[eupheme]

— come on and show me

[part ii | part iii | masterlist]

logan howlett x f!reader x wade wilson

rated e - 5.5k

tags: Logan POV, MMF threesome, jealous!logan, reader is wade's girl, mutual pining/crushes all around, voyeurism, dirty talk, open relationship, oral sex, fingering, Logan doms both of them, 69ing, fucklicking, ball worship, come eating, PiV

a/n: I want them to kiss and I also want them to kiss reader to here this is! 💕

Right now, all he can hear is Wade running his goddamn mouth. Drowning out the sounds you make - so fuckin’ pretty, and the prick is too busy listening to himself to appreciate it.

There’s one thing that Logan knows for sure - and it’s that Wade’s not doing it right. Not like he would.

(or - Logan tries to shut Wade up, and it doesn’t quite go as expected)

Logan can hear Wade from here.

Running that goddamn mouth already, and the sun’s only barely up.

Can hear you, too. The little whimpers that you try bite back. He can imagine the way your teeth sink into your lip - the thought has him shifting in his chair, breakfast forgotten.

So fuckin’ pretty, and the prick is too busy listening to himself to appreciate it.

Knows he could make you even louder, too. It’s almost like he’s at the mansion again, looking at another toy he can’t touch.

What a waste.

The sounds crescendo, the chanting of a name layered with that endless babble that makes his teeth grind, before the sound breaks.

Trying not to look interested when the door opens a few minutes later. Snatching up the newspaper that’s been sitting on the cluttered tabletop for a month now, flicking it open.

Ignoring how Wade strolls out, adjusting the waistband on a pair of grey sweats that are hanging way too low on his hips for comfort.

Rummaging around for a bottle of water, the glow of the fridge illuminating the curve of his ass. The cut of the pants look familiar, Logan's eyes narrowing as he wonders if those are his missing pair-

The edge of the paper flicking up again into place again, just as Wade stretches - bending further, before the bottle is snatched from the back.

Logan huffs.

“Hey roomie,” Wade hums, flicking the cap at him. It sails through the air, disappearing into his forgotten cup of coffee with a little 'plunk', “Don’t let me interrupt that killer Ed Tom Bell impression you’ve got going on, just hydrating for round two.”

“Ooh,” A cock of his hip, as he turns - head tilting as he thinks, “Does that make me Josh Brolin? God, I love him.”

“That’s all?” Logan’s eyebrows lift as he sneers - ignoring another reference he doesn’t understand, “Been going at it for a while.”

As soon as he says it, he regrets it. Opening himself up for an attack. He can already hear the sing-song response at the admittance that he’s been listening.

Screwing the Pavlovian pooch, with the way that he's more than aware that his dick’s half-hard. The result of taking care of himself one too many times - an attempt at getting himself back to sleep, pretending that he isn’t jerking himself off to the beat of the frame that bangs against the walls.

Luckily, Wade zeros in on the exact wrong part. Sputtering, as water drips down his chin, “That’s all? What do you mean, that’s all?”

“You heard me,” The paper crinkles in his fist, “In fact, I’m surprised you even got round one off. Much less that she’s sticking around for another.”

“You wound me, and yet, flatter.” Wade’s hand flattens over his heart, “I never knew you thought about me like that.”

“I haven’t been thinking about you, you ass,” Logan snarls, teeth bared, “I just know that if you’re talking, then you’re not doing it right.”

Wade grins at that, teeth scraping over his lower lip as they stretch wide.

Eyes flicking over his form, assessing in a way that has Logan bristling - voice going syrupy-smooth, “Is that right? You think you can do better, mutton chops?”

The breath he inhales is ragged. That feeling back again - an urge to curl his hand around Wade’s throat, and squeeze.

“Yeah,” Logan growls out, “Yeah, I fucking do.”

The table shakes as Wade plops himself down on the edge, a leg crossing over the other. Interest gleaming in his eyes as his head tilts towards the bedroom door.

“Alright. Bring on the magic tricks, Angier.” His hands splay wide, wiggling, “Gonna show me how to make your fingers disappear?”

Logan glares, his eyes flicking down to where the fleece pulls across his hips.

“Right.” He spits, “Like you’ve got another in you?”

“Hey now, pookums. Marvel Jesus, remember?” Wade’s hand makes a sweeping gesture in front of his crotch, “Just give me three minutes and I’ll have risen.”

“That’s disgusting.” Logan barks, “And get off the table.”

If anything, it makes Wade sit harder. His legs pivoting until he can spread his thighs on either side of the paper, ankles dangling off the edge.

“Disgusting?” His tone pitches up, “Says the man that’s rocking a stiffy. Gonna jerk it at the breakfast table when I leave? You know Blind Al eats there.”

The paper twitches reflexivity in his hands, and Wade’s smile pulls wider as Logan shoots him a death glare, lips curling over teeth.

“Why the fuck would I do something like that?”

Wade hums, “Call it an educated wish.”

“Call it an educated get-the-fuck-out-of-here.” Logan scoffs. His eyes flicking towards the bedroom, the door still shut, “You’re talking like she wants this.”

Wade’s finger presses at the edge of the newspaper he’s hiding behind, and Logan bats his hand away.

He’s still not gotten used to all the skin, he doesn’t know where to look. The slightest shift back in his chair, but he’s already pressed up against the wall.

“Oh please, as if we don’t take turns roleplaying as you,” Wade sighs longingly, “This would be a wet dream come true.”

His eyes narrow then, as his tongue runs across his lip. Voice dropping again, coaxing.

“Look,” Wade says it like he’s leveling with him - talking man-to-man,“If you wanted to fuck her, peanut, all you had to do was ask.”

And for a moment, Logan truly considers it. Not just the fantasy that’s been playing through his head for weeks.

Weirder shit has happened, he supposed.

He’s already been claw-deep into Wade’s guts. A brawl in that shitty van that lasted until morning. Bound tip-to-tip in the void for god knows how long.

Getting walked in on in the bathroom at least twice in the last month. A gleeful “mind if I cut in?”, before Logan’s fist is sending him into the vanity.

The last time it took a full week to get the sink fixed.

Not to mention that Wade apparently seems so certain that his clothes were now their clothes.

So fucking keen on sharing.

So it wasn’t a stretch to think he might want to share you, too.

There’s something caught between his teeth, heavy on his tongue. About to loosen, when the door is opening.

Swallowing them down as you step through, thighs bare under a too-big t-shirt. Arms wrapping around Wade’s shoulders as your lips press against his cheek.

“Thought you were coming back, Red.” You coo. Drawn out by the sound of bickering as you had basked in your afterglow.

“Morning, Logan.” A smile sent his way after, turning sheepish, “You’re up early. Hope we didn’t wake you.”

He grunts in reply. Pretending there wasn’t a little jolt in his stomach at the sound of his name. That he hadn’t been thinking about spreading you across this table, lifting the hem of your shirt up-

If he’d been in your bed, no one would have had to wonder.

The whole damn floor would’ve been woken up.

“He thinks I fuck bad, so I’m gonna prove he’s wrong,” Wade adds in, cheerfully, “That okay with you, gorgeous?”

Logan glares over the top of his paper. A rough clearing in his throat as your eyebrows lift, glancing his way.

He hadn’t really meant to bring you into this, or at least, that’s what he’s telling himself.

That eye contact dropping, as you lean into Wade, your chin propped on his shoulder, “Is that right? How are you going to do that?”

Logan’s answer comes out flat, as he examines an ad in the bottom corner of the page,“I’m not doing anything.”

Wade sighs, his head knocking back against your shoulder.

“Come on, Wolvie. I would love for you to prove me wrong,” He needles, digging deep, “Put your money where my cock should be.”

Logan still doesn’t look up, “Not interested, I’m busy.”

The sigh that pulls from his lungs is long, a near-whine.

“What, with reading?” He exclaims, “Jesus you really are old. The retirement home called, they’re missing a resident.”

Logan’s eyes snap up now, narrowing, “Fuck. Off.”

With a sigh, Wade fucks off. Legs curling, until he’s rolling off the table. Your hand fitting in his, a water bottle tucked under your arm as you head back towards the room.

“The offer still stands!” He calls.

A beat, before you turn.

“Logan?” You call, as he’s helpless - his eyes pulling away. Drawn to you.

A little wink sent his way. Your finger gesturing towards his chest, as you smile.

“Your paper’s upside down.”

Logan’s still not quite sure how he got here. His feet moving on his own, fingers catching the bedroom door just as it starts to close.

Almost backing out when he sees the look of Wade’s face, pleased as fucking punch.

Standing by the edge of the bed now, as you kneel on it in front of him. Fingers slipping across his chest - curious, with the way your eyes flicker over his face. Eager, though you hide it well.

“So what exactly did you tell Wade to get him so worked up?” Your fingers twine around his neck, as his find your hips.

He hums at that - flicking towards his roommate before they find yours again.

“All I said was that if I can hear his mouth running from out there,” Logan’s fingers dent into soft skin, tugging you closer, “He can’t be doing a good job.”

There’s a shift off to the side. Wade sinking down into the beanbag chair he pulled up,“Can you believe that? As if I don’t have a good grade in my oral and my dickabilties.”

“A gold star, babe.” You shoot him a tender smile, before they focus on Logan again. Shoulder lifting, as your grin grows, “I mean, Merc with a Mouth, right? Seems like part of the package.”

He huffs, eyes dropping to your lips.

“You think it’s good,” Logan’s tone is almost pitying, “But it’s only because you haven’t had better.”

That pulls a gasp from your throat, eyebrows lifting.

“Yeah, I think you’re trying to emasculate me, but honestly…” Wade’s hand splays wide over his crotch, “Sploosh.”

“Sploosh.” You echo softly, and he can feel you shift closer. Can smell the fresh curl of arousal that heats your skin, as his hands ghost higher. A small smile, as your head tilts, “So you just all talk then, or…”

“No.” Logan scoffs, “No, I’m not.”

He closes the gap, more certain now. Mouth pressing against yours, as you squeak - tense in his arms, until you go liquid.

Soft tits pressed to his chest as his tongue sweeps against your lips. Swallowing a pretty moan as they part for him, his own groan rumbling in his chest as his hands wander.

Slipping down, ghosting against skin. Feeling the goosebumps that rise, as he draws circles against your hip. His name whimpered, and it shoots straight to his cock.

Not even a heartbeat, before the chatter begins.

“Bet your pussy’s wet already, isn’t it baby?” He coos, “A kiss like that, it’s even got me a little worked up. And I’m just producing this show.”

Logan’s eyes crack open as he glares, “You’re not producing shit, asshole.”

“Ooh, I bet you SO wish you worded that in a different way-”

You huff against his mouth, your touch guiding him back. The thought lingers, curiosity burning. Letting his fingers toy with the hem of your shirt, knuckles brushing your thigh.

Tracing around to the curve of your ass, his wide palm splaying out, then squeezing against bare flesh.

“Is he right?” He rasps, his lips brushing against yours. Half-hating that he’s letting Wade get in his head, but the thought-

You gasp again, and his teeth flash with his smirk, “Are you wet for me already, sweetheart?”

“She’s been since she first saw you. Goddamn Niagara Falls,” Wade’s voice has softened - teasing now, “Isn’t that right, gorgeous?”

An amused shake of your head, as something silent passes between them. Logan doesn’t pretend to know how your relationship works - other than the fact that Wade was willing to do anything to save this world for you.

And that there’s something inside him that tightens - a flicker in his belly - whenever he looks at you. Whenever Wade flirts with him. That sharp annoyance from their meeting slowly bleeding out with each day goes by.

Something else taking root, the more time he spends with both of you. He’s not good with his emotions. Doesn’t want to name that ache when he saw you together.

A silent wish, with his shifting daydreams. With the jerk of his fist in the morning. Imaging you in his bed, at first. And then, more - two sets of hands. Two mouths at his cock, and then he’s suddenly coming harder than he has before.

He’s become greedy, the more you both give him.

“Show me.” It’s a command, soft and low.

Logan can feel your thighs press together, that little squirm. Tucking this new discovery away as you lean back, eyes dark with desire.

The briefest hesitance, before your fingers loosen from him. Slipping down, under the hem of your shirt. The nails on your other hand bite into his shoulder as you sigh - two fingers gliding through the wet folds of your pussy.

Pulling them back for him to see. Glistening, your arousal stringing between them. His hand is already curling around your wrist. No resistance as he tugs - guiding your fingers past his lips as they part.

Sucking the sweet taste of you as he groans, deep in his chest. Eyes fixed on yours so he can see the way yours widen, feeling how your fingers flex against the swipe of his tongue.

“Logan.” You sigh his name, and it only makes his moan - eyes shutting as you press down against his tongue. The need slipping into your voice, pleading.

“I wanna feel your mouth. Show me, too,” You sigh, as you slip from him, “Show me what you meant.”

Christ, he’s been aching for this. Eager to drown himself in your pussy, if you’d let him.

There’s a sharp clap that forces his eyes open. Wade’s enthusiasm as he drags the bag closer, chin cradled in his hands.

“Yeah, Logan. You gonna show us your dickabilites, or what?”

He shoots him a withering look. Softening before he turns to you, his chin tipping up.

“Lay back on the bed for me, sweetheart.”

You listen so sweetly, and it makes his cock throb. A quick dart of your eyes over to your boyfriend, who only nods.

“Take that off, baby,” Wade coos, “Show him how pretty you are.”

He’s not sure when he started letting Wade make orders, but for once he’s not wanting to argue about his suggestions.

Because fuck, you are pretty. No arguing with that.

Letting his eyes sweep over every inch that is revealed, as you lift the hem of your shirt. The curve of your hips, your soft tits that he can’t wait to get his mouth on.

Baring yourself, as you lean back against the pillows. His eyes are fixed on your cunt, already fitting himself between your thighs. Fingers reaching - ready to part you open. Taste you himself, bury his tongue inside you.

Your hand reaches out, pushing against his shoulder.

“Wait, you too.” You pout, “Let’s play fair, okay?”

He huffs, lips quirking. Hands catching the hem as he tugs his own shirt off, Wade diving for it as he tossed it towards the floor.

Twin gasps rise, and if he was a much younger man, he may have blushed.

“Fuck.” Wade groans, a hand dropping down his crotch and squeezing.

You’re already leaning forward, a hand flattening against his skin. A soft "wow" slipping from your lips - feeling the way his muscles jump as you slide over his pecs, the thick hair covering them.

A hand hooking around his shoulder - a smirk hidden as you tug him down on top of you.

Soft, beneath him. Those needy whines he loves so much caught between your teeth as he noses at your neck. Teeth nipping at skin, an urge to leave a mark for later.

That cry finally loosened as he moves down. Teeth and tongue biting and soothing at the tight peaks of your nipples. Broad hands cupping and squeezing, liking the way they fit in his palms. The way you moan, arching into his touch.

“Give me more of that,” He murmurs against your skin, "I want to hear you."

Your body tensing beneath his when he settles between your thighs. They have to spread, to fit his shoulders. Opening you up, putting you on display.

Watching how you clench - a throaty chuckle as his thumb presses just shy of your folds. Tugging you open, seeing how your skin glistens with slick already.

“Pretty fucking sight, you know that?” His eyes flip up to yours.

You’re propped up on your elbows. Teeth sinking into your lip, breath held as your eyebrows slant in anticipation. Lips parting with his words, a minute shift of your hips.

“You should see it when it’s stuffed full. Boston cream's got nothing on her."

There’s an embarrassed groan of his name. Logan ignores him - letting his thumb rub against the tight nub of your clit, instead. Your word turning into a sharp, inhaled breath.

Teasing, each circle achingly slow. Aware of the two sets of eyes on him, burning his skin. A low ache in his belly, his glaze fixing on yours, watching as you inhale as his mouth lowers.

A soft lick, tongue lapping against your slit. Tasting you more thoroughly, dragging against soaked skin, as his fingers tease at your entrance.

Focusing on your clit, tight flicks with his tongue. Letting his lips suck on the tight bud, as he sinks down to one knuckle, then another. A second finger slipping in once you get used to him, making room for himself as he scissors you open.

He can hear the soft, wet sound of your cunt, with each plunge of his fingers. Flexing and curling them until he can feel you clamp down.

The quiet sounds you make - soft breaths and gasps - turning louder. Panting now, as you whine. Hips lifting to meet the curl of his tongue, until he pulls back.

“Should be hearing this,” Logan grits out. A quick glance towards Wade as his fingers pound into you, “Not you talking out of your ass.”

There’s silence for a long moment, the words coming out distracted.

“You talk about my ass an awful lot for a man who pretends he's not interested,” Wade manages, slowly, “You change your mind about that, too?”

His breath shallow, as Logan growls in annoyance. Attention returning back to you. Fingers working faster, head dropping again to tongue at your clit.

A leg hooks over his shoulder - a heel digging into his back, tugging him closer. Logan loses himself - growling into your pussy. His own hips pressing down into the bed, as he tugs at his belt and button, relieving the too-tight ache of denim.

Feeling how you leak against his palm, tighten around his fingers. Chase that winding pleasure as you arch into his mouth. A hand drifting off the bed, reaching. Grasping.

“Logan.” You’re begging again, pleading. For more, for anything. For him not to stop, and he leans into the way you tug at his hair, guiding him to the right spot.

You come with your fingers entwined with Wade’s. With your thighs clamped against Logan's ears as he rips a cry from you - long and loud - threatening to suffocate him.

Would be the way he’d choose to die, if he could.

The sounds come flooding back, as your thighs loosen. Boneless and languid, your smile wide as your fingers trace his scruff, the sharp curve of his jaw.

Perhaps he was wrong, to think he could silence Wade entirely. Your orgasm has only made him more vocal - complaints about how “fucking hard he is” mixing with rambling praise.

“Wilson.” He finds himself growling. Beckoning with two fingers, as Wade practically springs from the bag.

“Oh my GOD,” Wade is gushing, clambering onto the bed with him, “This is way better than joining the Avengers. Even if they do have Thor.”

“Huge praise.” You smile drunkenly, pushing yourself up to press your mouth against his.

And under his direct instructions, Logan finds that Wade almost listens.

“Get on your back,” He points, as you scooch to make room.

"Ooh, dirty." Wade grins, splaying out on his back, hands tucked under his head.

“No,” Logan makes a frustrated sound - ignoring another comment. A twirl of his finger, “The other way.”

His head is cradled near your hips now, legs stretched out toward the pillows.

Logan’s next words are a growl, “Now, clean her up.”

Wade groans, as he catches up.

“Fuck.” He whines, “Yeah. Come here, baby.”

Hands guiding you into place, your knees framing his head, as you face towards the headboard. Wade’s mouth already tipping up to meet you, a soft moan as his tongue swipes against your slit.

“I don’t want to hear you until she comes.” Logan rasps, and he can see the way Wade’s hips lift.

Just now catching the darkened fabric, where it tents.

Another thing to catalog.

Content for now to let his hands drift as he stands behind you at the edge of the bed, his chest pressing to your back. Sucking a mark in the hollow under your ear, feeling the buzz of your whine against his lips.

Hands cupping your breasts again, feeling their weight. Pinching at the tight peaks, before his thumb is smoothing over them.

Your eyes are blown wide, fingers curling against your thighs. Panting as the overstimulation tips towards pleasure, the feel of the sweet mouth below you soft and familiar.

Shifting as you sit, rocking back to where Logan’s cock presses against your lower back. His hands tugging at the zipper, shoving his jeans down as he works himself free. Kicking them off, after.

You gasp when you see him from over your shoulder, and he can’t help the way he twitches in his hand at the sound. Can’t pretend he isn’t leaking from tasting you, his cock heavy as he lets go to let it hang between his thighs.

“Fuck, that’s not fair.” It’s muffled, and you hum in agreement as Wade lifts you to get a better look, “God didn’t make you perfect enough as-is? Just had to make you proportional, you goddamn stallion.”

A derisive sound as his arm wiggles out from under you, fingers reaching.

“And Jesus H. Christ, look at the girth-”

Logan bats his hand away.

It should annoy him. That Wade isn’t listening. That he’s commenting on his cock - but it doesn’t.

Can’t help but think that in here, in this room, the chatter isn’t so bad. Would never admit that he’s wrong, just that when he’s admiring and not on a dumb-as-fuck tangent, it’s almost - flattering.

Maybe that’s too far. Tolerable, perhaps.

“You want my mouth?” You offer sweetly, breaking into his thoughts. Hungrily.

There’s a flash of white teeth as Logan smiles. A hand pressing gently against your back, until you’re stretched out over Wade.

“No. I’m still gonna fuck you, baby.” He rasps, “Just wanted a little peace and quiet while doing it.”

You moan, thighs inching wider. Head turned so you can watch the way he moves behind you. Adjusting your hips until your ass is in the air, his fingers gripping the base of his cock as he lines himself up.

“Keep going, Wilson.” He grits out, when the man goes still beneath them.

A rough chuckle rattles.

“Not a fucking chance, human tripod. I am SO watching this.”

Fuck it. He lets him.

Letting the tip of his cock press against your entrance. Wade’s arms curling around your thighs, holding you in place as you string tight above him.

“God, it’s even bigger from this angle. Feels like I’m in a goddamn eclipse right now.”

“Why do you sound surprised, babe?” Your voice is strained. Face buried against Wade’s stomach, fingers curled in the sheets, “I thought you guys fucked in the void.”

That fleeting curl of warmth leaves him.

“We what?” Logan growls, leaning back to glare at the peek of dark brown eyes, the top of a bald head he wants to slap.

Teeth bared, as he snarls, “We didn’t fuck. I beat the shit out of him in a goddamn van.”

“All night long.” Wade laughs - and then sighs fondly, “And isn’t that just the same thing?”

Fingers encircle his cock from below before he can retort, squeezing. A tug as he guides him into the tight clench of your pussy, and Logan thinks he really should just shove his claws into Wade’s dick.

But that desire bleeds away, as you stretch around him. The twin groans from beneath him, the sounds blending together.

“Oh,” You moan, clenching around him. Back arching, as he slips in another inch, “Makes sense. Was… was just wondering why it took you so long to join us.”

Logan goes still for a moment, with this new information. A realization that he could have had this the whole time, if he had asked.

That Wade hadn’t been joking before.

He groans, hips snapping forward. A grunt below as your knees squeeze against Wade’s throat, but from the way you squirm, Logan can tell that his mouth is at work again.

Teasing at your clit, as his own hips slowly start to move. Feet planting on the bedroom floor as his hands fit against your waist.

Using the leverage to drive himself deep. Hips flush as his balls slap against your skin, growing sticky with your release.

“This is hot, this is so fucking hot,” Wade groans, babbling as he sucks in a breath, “I’m so going to jerk my dick raw thinking about this later.”

And with the reminder, he supposes he can throw his roommate a bone.

“Come on, baby,” Logan rasps - reaching. A little nudge against your chin, angling your head, “Looks like he needs a little help.”

It’s benevolent. It’s selfish - his fingers biting into skin as you realize what he means. Watching as you tug at the waistband of Wade’s sweatpants, pushing them down.

The man moans, from between your thighs. Sweet nothings mumbled as your hand wraps around his cock, angling it into your waiting mouth.

Watching how the leaking tip presses into your cheek. The buck of his hips as you fist moves, while you suck - your spit slicking up his cock.

It looks like the rest of him. Mottled skin, the tip flushed a deeper shade of red. Long and thick in your hand - Logan’s cock throbbing at the way you swallow him down, how your lips part to make him fit.

His pace picking up. Pounding into your tight, wet cunt as Wade groans against your clit. Tongue lapping and licking, winding you higher as Logan drives you towards a second.

Slowly drifting, as the flicks of his tongue grow longer. The tip pressing against your folds, as you groan around his cock.

Further down. Tasting the tang of your release - the salt of skin where you’re split open, stretched wide.

And then further. Logan jerks, as something wet drags along his shaft.

“Wade.” It comes out as a rough growl. Pitching into a huffing whine when it happens again, flattening against the heavy weight of his balls.

Choking him, as his rhythm stutters. Hips flexing into you as he grinds himself flush, teeth gritting.

“Fuck.” It’s hushed, pulled from his lungs.

Having to find himself again - hold back the urge to come right that second - as you squirm beneath him. Wade’s tongue traveling from your clit to the tight seam of his sack, his hips rocking in your mouth.

Finding a rhythm together, Logan’s head tilting back. The room filled with lewd sounds of their joining, of wet mouths and the rhythmic pounding of the headboard against the wall.

Lucky that Al was out for the morning, or else they’d never hear the end of it.

Your cries pitch up, as his cock drags against the spot his fingers found. Something clenching deep in his guts, eyes dragging down to how you look wrapped around him. The pink peek of tongue beneath, how the combination makes his toes curl.

Imagining another morning. Sharing you in another way, his cock buried in your ass while your lover fills your cunt. Whimpering between them, unable to form words.

The sound you make now are not that different - the cadence of your panting is one he’s coming to recognize.

“You close, sweetheart?” He rasps, arcing over you, “Can feel your pussy clenching around me. So fucking tight, can’t wait to feel you come all over my cock.”

It pulls a moan from you, head lifting from Wade’s cock. Resting against his stomach, as your hand wraps around him. The jerk of your fist messy, off rhythm.

“Yeah, you are.” Logan hums, as his hips rut into you, “Come on, Wilson. Make our girl come.”

There’s a rough groan. Wade listens for once, head tilting to suck at your clit. Logan concentrating on the angle that makes you cry out, a hand fisting in the sheets.

Their names a mumbled mess on your lips, as you’re yanked higher and higher. Your moans pitching up, growing louder.

Just like his dreams. Even better, really.

“Please,” You whine, “I’m, I’m-”

A high-pitched gasp, then, as your face buries against Wade’s hips. As your pussy clamps down around his cock, fluttering with the steady saw of his hips.

“Good fucking girl.” The praise is soft, as his thumbs rub circles against your skin, “That’s it, let him taste how sweet you are.”

Working together, the tight licks against your clit going lazy again. Dipping to your entrance to taste your release against his shaft, Wade’s cock leaking and bobbing against his stomach.

Drawing out your pleasure, until the stars fade from your half-lidded eyes. Until the rushing in your veins ebb, and the pulse around his cock fades.

A low sigh, before Logan’s reaching - his chin tucking against your shoulder. His hand curling around yours, guiding it back to Wade's cock.

“Don’t forget about him.” Another command, but gentle this time. His hand moving with yours, palm mapping your knuckles as he sets a rhythm, “There you go.”

He could let go. You’ve found yourself again, eyes hazy. But he keeps his hand there. Keeps a pace that is so much firmer than your own, his own hips matching the rhythm as he chases his own end.

Wade’s groan replaces yours. A hand leaving your thigh to wrap around his, biting down hard into muscle. It only drives him deeper into you. Logan’s own moan bitten back as the tongue against his dick slips against his sack again.

Then against the thin layer of skin just behind, teasing.

“Fuck.” It’s a rough growl.

His hand works faster, teeth gritting. Feral sounds caught in his throat, as the pressure in his belly grows.

The last thing he sees before he comes is the drips of white against his knuckles. The warmth, a ragged groan against the inside of his thigh. Your mouth closing around to catch the rest, taking Wade’s cock into your throat with a soft sigh.

It robs him of his breath. A shuddering moan, as he grinds himself deep. Spilling into you again and again with each pulse of his cock, blood rushing in his ears.

Legs threatening to give as he empties himself, as his chest presses flush against your back. His face buried in your hair, as your tongue traces his knuckles. Cleaning them, as he did for you.

When he can, Logan eases from you with a grunt. Watching how you gape, then clench, now empty.

A bead of his release welling up, dripping against your skin. You go to move, but Wade’s hands curl around your calves - pulling you flush.

It’s hard to look away, as he licks away Logan’s come. A sharp ache of desire with the sound of a needy groan, as his tongue dipping inside.

Maybe Wade doesn’t have such a bad mouth, after all.

Logan’s arm is numb, but he can’t bring himself to move. Can’t remember a time when he’d let his brain turn off like this. A brief moment of silence, and it’s bliss. His world standing still.

“So that’s how you do it.” You muse quietly, dizzily. Head cradled against his chest - fingers dragging through the hair, gently scratching.

A stirring on his other side, where Wade is using his bicep like a pillow.

“Mm, I don’t think I got it,” Wade counters, but it’s soft - hazy at the edges. “Think I missed a couple steps. Was that round two or three?

"Three," You say - as Logan grunts, "Two."

The fingers on his chest drift down, dipping over his stomach.

“Well, either way...” You hum, snuggling a little closer, “Maybe you oughta show us, one more time.”

Wade flips over then, chin propped in his hand, “At least. Maybe even twice. We’re bad learners, peanut. Dumb as fucking rocks, really.”

“Mhmm,” You sigh, “Really dumb. Can't even count.”

And he can’t stop the twitch of his lips, even with his eyes closed. Had forgotten what it was like to be warm like this.

To be wanted.

And maybe, he even feels… content.

Something he never thought he’d be, again.

thank you so much for reading! it means so much and I am so happy to be dipping my toes into these pairings💖

[controld3vil]

two psychopaths

pairing(s): dune 2 cast x actor!reader (platonic), austin butler x actor!reader (can be read as ambiguous/platonic/romantic, WHATEVER YOU GUYS PREFER)

synopsis: requested by this ask and this!

alt: regardless of you two playing psychopaths, in reality, you were the sweetest human beings ever.

notes: i applaud austin butler for his performance omg!! dually noted that the reader has hair that is long enough to be put into a ponytail (they are showing off a cute hair tie they got). NO BETE READ i apologize !!

You should have expected something. If not for your past antics, there would be no reason for them to be here. It was touching really, playing against your own tactics.

Without delay, in the morning, you were going to buy breakfast. When you decided and reluctantly remembered your cast members were going to have an interview around the same area. The building was close by, a block from the café shop. And so you rushed across the street, with a butter croissant in one hand, and a hot drink in another.

"Boo!" As you had snuck behind, grabbing both of their shoulders together in a tight squeeze. You could feel Timothee Chalamet's body jump while Austin Butler feeling startled, and involuntarily jerked back to swat your hand.

"Hey!"

"Oh my gosh, you scared me!"

"That was the point!" Your snickering was quickly joined by the film crew behind the scenes. It was all caught on camera and gave a great spook for everyone on set. You could still feel your heartbeat pumping as you tightened your grip on both of their shoulders.

"They really got you two!" The host of Comicbook.com and interviewer Brandon Davis exclaimed, covering his mouth with his fist. You were glad he and the rest of the crew obligated you to sneak in, a few minutes before their interview. Your eyes followed behind the movie poster to the corner, where you had laid your breakfast. Making sure nothing slipped or stomped on.

"Now we're really gonna get you next time!" Timothee's voice brought your attention back to him. Your grip never leaves his side, as he holds onto it as if threatening you.

"I'd like to see you two try," Nodding as you sneered. To add more to the competition, you gave a shaky handshake without breaking eye contact.

On the other hand, Austin could only lean back in his chair with an amused grin. "I thought you also had an interview today?" Tapping your hand on his shoulder, casually not minding your invasion of his personal space.

Your attention shifts, and you smile sweetly. "Mine is after lunch so I still got time." Lowering your tone, playfully mimicking Austin's voice. "I'll see you guys later though, enjoy your interview!"

As you release your grip to pat their heads, Timothee swerves to wave goodbye. Almost hitting himself in the face with your hand. "Alright- whoa see ya!". In an instant, Austin gives you a look before patting his seatmate on the back.

You grabbed your belongings, then thanked everyone walking out. Brandon Davis looked even more ecstatic now, knowing the actor's moods were lifted, looking a lot happier and pumped.

"Well what a great start to our interview huh?"

"Hm?"

"Oh yeah, the best!"

In turn, a couple hours after, you and Josh Brolin had been seated for the start of your interview. It was arranged by Maude Garrett, with whom you had talks with Jessica Ferguson before. Meeting her again was a pleasant encounter. You had a fantastic time with her last time and believed it would be no different with Brolin by your side.

"Hey!" She squeals out your name, hands in the air. "I'm so happy to see you again!"

"I came back just for you," Clutching her hand, you wave it back and forth. You were gleaming with joy as you seated yourself next to Brolin, who gave you a confused smile.

"You two know each other?"

"Oh no no-"

"I did an interview with her and Jessica," you clarified before glancing at Maude, "She's really nice!"

"So that's why you wanted to come along?" Josh exasperates a sarcastic groan. "Do you not want to do interviews with me?"

The humorous banter does not diminish throughout the interview. No, having worked with Josh Brolin through Dune, you were always attentive to his words. You can tell how passionate he is to be a part of Dune. The way he's communicated with Villeneuve and the producers, made you appreciate him more. Even before the interview had started, Brolin had brought up a book he had been working on with Greig Frazer of the photography of Dune.

You knew it was a fun project for him and he even gifted you one of the first few copies before release.

"Do you think Duncan Idaho is going to be a big part of Part 3?" Brolin and Garrett were having a conversation about potential possibilities for the Dune universe. As it was a well-known fact for book readers, more complex characters and plotlines divert after the first novel.

While you sat patiently, only ever observant of of their interaction. "I mean, I love-"

Suddenly there were screams. Boom! Your eyes lit up as if a sudden alarm had gone off. It was then two bodies came crashing towards you to notice what was happening. The two young male actors hurdled over you and Josh Brolin in a frenzy, surrounding you all in a big bear hug. You could decipher your mentor's frightful yet affectionate grin.

"Oh my gosh!" You almost shrieked, hand instinctively placing over your heart in reassurance. Timothee stood by Brolin's side, shaking him side by side. While Austin held onto yours, having the time of his life at your expression. You could tell already that cameras were caught yours and Brolin's slow-mo reaction.

"What's going on?!"

Mumbles of excitement were scattered on the scene. You could not stop smiling, as you placed your hand on top of Austin's, looking at him in pure defeat and fondness. As if saying, you got me.

"Thank you, god!" Josh happily cries out, bowing his head pure of joy.

Eventually, the Elvis actor lets go and formally greets the interviewer, shaking her hand. "Hi, I'm Maude! Nice to meet you!"

"Is this the interviewer you were talking to me about?" Austin looks at you, questionably. "The one asking about the popcorn bucket?"

You nod, enthusiastically. "She is! Maude, I was raving about you!"

"Awh!" The blonde female places a hand over her heart, warmly. She pouts lovingly at your comment. "How sweet of you!"

On the other side, Timothee grins back at Brolin before saying his hellos to you. "Hey, how are you?"

"I literally saw you hours ago!" You pointed your index finger directly at him, scoldingly. However, in return, the French actor laughs, and before hearing Austin turning to Brolin.

"We got the books."

"We got them and you got to sign it." Timothee states, placing both his hands on Brolin.

"Ok!" Suddenly the shot pans to you, having your mouth wide open.

"We'll bring em'- Give me a little- give me a little personal message-"

"I love you guys!" The older actor bellows, opening his arms for all of you three to join in one last hug. Seconds after, Brolin pats his French costar adorably on the back as a farewell. "I love you! Get outta here!"

The camera pans to Timothee moving towards your seat. As you discreetly mumble, making puppy dog eyes. "I get to sign too, right?!" He only chuckles before softly punching your shoulder as a gesture of approval.

"We got you good this time!" The French costar makes finger guns, playfully shooting at you in victory. You couldn't help but blow a raspberry in denial.

"I didn't know you guys were gonna do it today!"

"That was the whole point!" Austin chastely pats the back of your seat, gliding his hand to connect with yours to shake.

Sometime after your encounter, you and Austin managed to meet again in Los Angeles. It was when the Associated Press wanted to have you two for an interview with their AP film writer, Lindsey Bahr, to speak on topics that would pertain to both of your characters. You, coming back from the first film, with a new profound experience. Upon his introduction, Austin's character, Feyd-Rautha, is portrayed as a calculating and highly skilled warrior in Harkonnen's fashionable way.

You couldn't wait, as you sped into the boardroom where the interview was taking place. Lindsey Bahr beside the camera, was casually chatting with Austin as the rest of the crew prepared for the shoot.

The two of you gave each other a quick hug before taking your seats to get comfortable.

"Oh look what I got from New York!" Your head spins clockwise to show the back of your head, only to confuse Austin and the rest of the crew profoundly. This was a small snippet the Associated Press wanted to keep in the interview. They believed it was a great preview promoter to display your and Austin's relationship with each other.

"What is it? What are you showing us?" The blonde-brunette male puts forward, as the camera zooms in on him inspecting you dumbfounded. It pans to you grabbing your hair tie before turning back to face the audience.

Your hair once slicked by its restraint is now free and lies on your shoulders. It doesn't fall evenly on you though, but almost awkwardly due to the gel in your locks.

"Look at this!" You show it to the camera with a hand holding the item. And another, palm up to allow better focus. It was a character plush hair tie. One of a loveable cookie with one eyebrow raised. It even had one big tooth sticking out. "Isn't it cute?"

"It's adorable!" Linsey says with a smile. Your grin was contagious as she admired your high enthusiasm for the small accessory. "Where did you find it in New York?"

"In a BTS store," you pierced your lips together, thumbs smoothing over the face of the plushie. "I was looking for a gift for my cousin. And then I saw a bunch of displays of these!"

"I like his little expression," Austin perks up, arms relaxing on the armrest. Though his posture was leaning to look at the cute ornament in your hands. "He looks questionable intrigued."

"He is," You agree, locking eyes with him. "He kind of looks like me, yeah?"

Your costar charmingly laughs, as you lift the cookie next to your face. You did your best to mimic its expression, trying not to break. "He kind of does actually," Before leaning to push away some strands of your hair behind your shoulder.

And the interview commenced smoothly. It did not feel one-sided or exclusive from one person. You and Austin were able to enjoy yourselves, talking and reliving the moments you had onscreen. You barely had any scenes together, in fact, both of your characters were across planets from each other by the time the climax of the film began. Though it had mostly focused on Paul's and Feyd's rivalry for the throne even then. Little was known about your characters together despite having fair similarities in combat, and personality.

Then there was a question that came up from Bahr, asking if you all, specifically the younger casts spent time together after filming or stayed in your hotel rooms.

Austin decided to step in and respond. "I mean we had some dinners- when we got hungry."

"I'd say both. I mean it was rare for the five of us to be together because of our production schedules." You say, scratching your arm upwards. Out of your peripherals, you could see Austin nod in correspondence. "Otherwise, most people were really beaten up. I mean- I think me, Florence, Timothee, Zendaya, and Austin are the tamest bunch you know? Dinner was the latest school night we had."

"Right, we'd be so tired," Your male costar snickers, covering his smile with his hand.

Then it was like a light bulb flashes above your head when your eyes flash in revelation. "We did like to go shopping a lot together."

"Really? How was that like?"

"A lot of hours, that's for sure." Austin crosses his arms, exhaling a long groan. Only for you to have a guilty pout, shyly backing up in your chair. Even you did not deny his claims. "I mean- with them, all of the bags get piled onto me."

"I try to spend less every time I go shopping with him," You wave your arms defensively. With an amused smile, the Elvis actor could only want to listen to more, back fully leaning on his chair. "Though me and Zendaya love to go shopping all the time."

"It must've been a hectic shopping spree!"

"The most hectic," Your costar spouts a satirical groan as you dismissively smile and shake your head.

And most of all, you were fortunate enough to be invited to Graham Norton's show alongside Josh Brolin and Austin Butler. Coincidently other stars such as Olivia Coleman and Jodie Foster were present which made you more instantly excited. It was a row stacked with amazing actors and actresses. Even you, who have been considered in a few films were more than ecstatic to meet every one of them.

It took some time into the interview when Norton brought up Dune. As he went down the line of people, Austin was the last person on the couch yet to be asked a question. You were sitting beside Josh and Jodie Foster, whom you eagerly met backstage only minutes prior when you all went onstage. It was all nerve-wracking from the start. However, the longer you sat and talked, the more comfortable you became with the people you so charismatically looked up upon.

"Now Austin," Graham raises his hand as he directs everyone's attention to the TV screen, "Now what the fuck happened to you?" Then a still image of him in all costume as Feyd Rautha appears. Leading the audience to laugh and even a few chuckles from the couch. Graham's straightforwardness too caught you offhand as you cough not so subtly in the background.

Waves of ohs and awes rippled from person to person.

"Did you- did you know- yes that's Austin!"

"By the way- that's how I met him the first time because everyone said if you met Austin- Oh you're gonna love Austin," Brolin starts, one arm leaning against the back of the couch. "And then finally, I knocked on his trailer door- and I opened the door to this pasty bald emaciated thing." More laughter erupts as you sweetly grin at the faint memory of their meeting.

"But you didn't shave your head?"

"I was- I was going straight to another film and uh- called The Bike Riders with Tom Hardy and Jeff Nickels who was directing," Austin explains the director specifically asked him not to shave his head. As it would be difficult to grow back quickly and transition from Dune. "So the wonderful hair and makeup team did that to me." As he points back to the picture of him and Lea Seydoux.

"Wow!"

"That's a bald wig!"

"Yeah isn't it incredible?" The Elvis actor gleams back at Olivia and then to you. You give him a wider grin, cocking your head sideways until the attention is drawn back to Graham.

"And also, it's not just- it doesn't- where does it start?"

"It attaches where my eyelids are," He points and the rest of the actresses could only stare in astonishment.

"Whoa, you didn't have to shave your eyebrows either."

"That's- wow!"

"But it's incredibly meticulous if they're a millimeter off, you can't open one eye and uhm- so yeah they were incredible." He explains, pointing closely to his eyelids to make a better visualization of how detailed his look was for the crew. Truly it was an astonishing character design, and to have Austin fill in those shoes was a great casting choice. You couldn't think of anyone else to play Feyd.

"Was it like an hour?" Jodie brings up, having one hand on her chin innocently.

"It was three hours." Disappointed grunts and groans came from the two women beside you. It was as if the moment he mentioned how long it took, all the enthusiasm to try bald wigs was out of the table. It was hilarious, both Olivia and Foster looking back and avoiding eye contact with anyone. Seated next to them, you followed along, shaking your head so slightly, staring at them as if saying, really?!

"Shave my head!" Graham shouts and yelps agreeing to his holler followed the room. Seconds after the noise disperse, the host turns his eyes on you. He brings your attention, saying your name in confidence. "And uh- here's the thing, you had the complete opposite! People have said that you had to grow out your hair- either or have extensions to have longer hair."

"Absolutely the complete opposite for me," You cheerily perk up, saluting your drink to Norton. The audience snickers, followed by Brolin bursting out in a howl. "But- yes I would say I had to grow out my hair for this film. To the point where I had many intricate braids in my hair."

"It must've been so nice," Josh chides, almost too enthusiastically. He crosses his arms and you give him a look of caution, playfully so.

"Yeah luckily you didn't have to deal with all of my mess," Austin motions to his hair, and immediately you let out a whistle. Again the back of the crowd responds well to your banter. Everything went so smoothly whenever you were with your cast mates. You were the most comfortable with them.

"Very very true!" Norton points his flashcards to you, "Would you have shaved your head if you- two had switched roles?"

"Honestly why not," Shrugging, you could hear some murmurs of surprise and intrigue. "I feel like I would be very comfortable with the bald wig too. But I mean if I cut all of my hair, I wouldn't have to grow them out anymore."

There was a semblance of mutuality while some still expressed their preferences (Olivia and Jane). Though what was most prominent to you was Broliin balling his eyes out. While Austin looks at you in pure confusion and stupefaction.

"All that to not grow out your hair?!" Josh exclaims, and the shot perfectly catches him clenching his chest from how much he was cackling at your odd comment.

"I mean that's one way to do it," Austin had a much slower reaction as it seemed at that moment made you break. Only to have you glance down at your shoes because of how much you wanted to laugh uncontrollably.

"I think it'd be cool no?" You try to say, slowly breaking into laughter. The rest of the crowd cooed at how you were with your costars. You always manage to include them in every conversation, showing how much care you had with everyone you had worked with. "I feel like the material of the bald wig would be super cool to touch."

"It's- it's a latex-"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Graham hushes, one hand shielding his mouth even though everyone can hear what he is saying. A huge wave of roars and screams echoed. And all you could do was cover your face and hide behind Brolin.

Yet the most unforgettable moment that would define your relationship with Austin is not even with the two of you present. In fact, it was in an interview with him,with Timothee and Zendaya. During that time, you were paired with someone else. But it was a small mention of Austin's first days of filming for Dune that kept viewers occupied.

"When you- fitting in with you know, coming into this group," It takes a few glances for Austin to look at his costars. "What did that feel like to you?"

Austin locks eyes with Zendaya then Timothee, "You both were so kind and welcoming and- uhm-"

"And we bullied him for the first week," The mixed actress casually mentions, as it can be heard off camera, sounds of agreement. "No, I'm kidding!"

"We had to break him in," The French actor nods, playing along to their scheme.

"Yeah, exactly exactly," The brunette actor goes even further with it, "Hazing rituals."

Zendaya raises her finger. She refers to you with such warmth. "It was more than hazing rituals. I mean- actually, they were doing crazy dance moves and-"

"They're just full of sunshine," Austin beans ear to ear, eyes only evident of fondness. "Super warm and welcoming."

Timothee cocks his head slightly to the side. "Welcome to Arrakis!"

[itsallyscorner]

I was wondering if you can write something about reader x marvel cast where they go on the tour bus with James Corden. Maybe reader is dating a costar (you can choose who)

💌

We Are Avengers

Pairing: Marvel cast x reader, Sebastian Stan x Fem!reader

Summary: Basically what happens during James Corden’s Star Star Tour😌

Warnings: None :)

Hello darling, thank you for the request! I apologize that it took so long for me to write, but I’ve been busy with school and I’ve been lacking motivation in general. But thank you so much for this request, it gave me the chance to rewatch one of my favorite Marvel cast videos so thank you for that as well, it never fails to make me smile. I hope you don’t mind that I chose Seb as the co-star you’re dating! Also, yes, I know I’ve been writing a lot of headcanons but writing this as a headcanon seems like the best way to write it for me😭 I’m gonna add in some pictures that the cast took with their disposable cameras, so enjoy😉

｡･:*:･��★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

(GIF from Pinterest)

✧───── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *. ☽.* :★. ─────✧

When it was mentioned that you and some other members of the Infinity War cast were going to be on James Corden, you were very excited.

You enjoyed making appearances on late night talk shows; Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel—they were always fun to be on. Though you’ve always loved making appearances on James Corden’s show.

When you first heard about being on The Late Late Show, you were expecting to do a typical interview in the studio that would lead to playing a game later on in the show.

What you didn’t expect was to be led out to the parking lot with the rest of the cast, only to be greeted by a double decker bus with James’ face plastered alongside it.

At first you were all a bit confused but one of the producers came up to you all and explained the segment you were all filming.

Everyone was buzzing with exhilaration waiting to get on the bus. One by one you were called up, you being paired with Sebastian.

Wait, he would make you go up the stairs first so he can stay behind you, making sure you don’t fall. Omg and he would place his hand on your lower back too😭🥺

“Wow—Marvel’s own power couple, it’s such an honor to have you both on here. Thank you for coming!” James greeted the both of you. Partially acting because the cameras were rolling.

You and Sebastian beamed at him, proud of the title the fans and your cast mates have given you both over the years. “It’s always a pleasure to see you, James.”

James gives you both your name tags, pausing mid way while he was handing Seb his. James’ gaze shifts between you and Seb, “I’m sorry, you’re just both so beautiful.”

Seb bashfully thanks him, pulling you towards the seats, as you giggle behind him.

You and Seb sit towards the back, behind Don and Tom.

You all sit tight, talking amongst yourselves as you wait for the bus to start. In the seats were disposable cameras and some Late Late Show merch.

The bus hasn’t started driving yet, but you were all having too much fun with the disposable cameras.

Everyone was just taking pictures of each other. You and Seb took a couple selfies and some stolen shots of the others, mostly Anthony.

You even got a cute shot of Don and Tom:

Yes I know they used disposable cameras but I decided to tie in my ‘Polaroid’ series into this even though they’re not using Polaroids—just go with it😭

Being the more social one in the relationship, you were going up and down the aisle talking to everyone.

Seb stayed towards the back with Anthony and Winston. While you were at the front talking to Lizzie and Chris.

Being sad when you were all told to go sit down because you had to leave Lizzie.

Though it probably wasn’t shown in the video, I just KNOW that the filming for this segment was chaotic as fuck.

Chaotic in a good way.

But the whole bus was loud I just know it.

You could hear Mackie across from you talking loudly and laughing that contagious laugh of his.

You, Lizzie, Pom, and Zoe attempting to talk to each other from different spots on the bus over everyone else’s voice.

Chris and Paul can also be heard laughing all the way from the back.

James feeling like a parent because it felt like he was babysitting a bunch of toddlers.

The whole thing was freaking chaotic from the start, I mean ya’ll started the ‘tour’ with Benedict and Chris rubbing sunscreen on James’ legs.

Everyone passing around the sunscreen after, because it was sunny as hell and no one thought of wearing sunscreen.

Seb being a cheeky asshole and ‘accidentally’ smearing sunscreen across your face.

“Sebastian!” You gasped before a flash of light went off on you. When your eyes recovered from the flash you see Seb holding up a camera at you, snickering to himself.

James began to act as your guide, pointing out things like a coffee shop and explaining what it is.

All of you being childish and pretending to not know what a coffee shop or what a line is.

Laughing at Don when he got out of his seat and took a picture of the coffee shop. Like how he got into an over exaggerated position just to take a picture was funny.

Everyone being childish and acting as actual tourist in Los Angeles. Like pointing things out and asking about them or taking pictures of literally everything you drove by.

When Reggie Watts began that sing along thing everyone joined in, bopping and dancing along to the beat.

Like you guys are just having a really great time, happy to be in each other’s presence.

You could hear Sebby singing along to Reggie beside you, and you couldn’t help but just adore him singing and having fun.

He’d notice your stare, he may have had sunglasses on, but you could see the crinkle of his eyes from behind his sunglasses as he smiled at you.

“Na, na, na, na, na, na!” Seb repeated, leaning towards you to press a kiss on your temple.

Throughout the whole ride, he’d have his arm along the back of your seat or have it across your lap.

After the sing along, James went back to acting as a tour guide. He pointed to a red building—whatever it was—and deemed it as “Barbra Streisand’s holiday home”.

Josh Brolin, who was sat along at the back of the deck, raised his hand. “Excuse me! I—uh don’t mean to interrupt, but I have to use the bathroom. Can I use the bathroom?”

James pretending to cringe and telling him that in order to use the bathroom you have to be in three or more Marvel movies to use the bathroom—end credits don’t count.

Everyone being childish once again and yelling “OHHHHHHH!” Like a bunch of school kids.

James points to Tom, “Tom Hiddleston do you need the bathroom?”

Tom, with his soft voice and a small shrug says, “I’m actually okay!”

James then points to you and Seb, “My lovebirds at the back, Sebastian, (Y/n), do either of you need the bathroom?”

You and Seb glance at each other, “Nah we’re good.” Your boyfriend answers.

“Yeah, I used the bathroom before we came here.” You look behind your shoulder at Josh, a smug expression on your face, “Unlike some people.”

Josh flipping you off while everyone laughs at him.

Since Anthony and Seb aren’t sitting together, I just know that Anthony would be yelling at Seb from across the bus to get his attention.

No seriously, I saw them in the background of the video and even heard Mackie yelling lmao😭😂

“(Y/n) call Sebastian!” Anthony yelled at you from across the bus, pointing to the man beside you with a grin on his face.

You chuckle and nudge Seb, “Your boyfriend’s calling you.”

Seb would shake his head at you and turn his attention to Anthony; who just wanted to take a picture of Seb from his side of the bus.

James trying to get spoilers out of all of you but thankfully you all aren’t Tom Holland or Mark Ruffalo.

“Does anyone on this bus die in the next Avengers?” James asked. Suddenly you were all quiet, not a word coming out of any of you.

Until Paul began to scream his infamous line, “snITCHES END UP IN DITCHES!”

Getting confused when James suddenly asked the bus to stop and ran off the bus.

Next thing you know, you’re all hopping off the bus and walking into a comic store with a Spider-Man statue at the front.

Seb motioned to the statue and looked back and Anthony, “We gotta get a picture with that.”

Anthony instantly agreeing—he was willing to do anything to tease Tom Holland.

Seb’s not that huge with PDA, but he always needs to be touching you. So he’ll be interlocking your hands with his the moment you walk off the bus and all the way into the comic store.

Feeling thrilled to surprise the people who were shopping at the store.

You all walked around, mingled with some fans, taking selfies with them, and signed a few things.

You were looking at some Funko Pops with Lizzie when you felt a small tap on your leg.

You looked down to see a small girl looking up at you with wide eyes full of admiration. In her tiny hands was a Funko Pop of your character.

You and Lizzie instantly coo at the toddler, crouching down to her level so you can talk.

“Hey, sweetheart!” You greet her, taken back when she suddenly wraps her arms around you into a hug. You laugh wrapping your arms around her small figure and hugging her back.

“I love you so much!” She squeals into your ear, arms tightening around you. Your heart swelled as she excitedly babbled about how much she loved your character and how you were her favorite.

“I love you too! Oh my gosh, you’re so cute!” You decide to carry the toddler, who you later learned was named Lila. Her parents scolded her for distracting you from the other fans in the store, but you brushed them off, your attention focused on your tiny fan.

You carried her around while you met other fans and signed more comic books and merch.

You even introduced her to your other cast mates.

Sebastian’s heart absolutely melting at the sight of you with a baby.

Homie wants to wife you up one day and seeing you with a baby made his baby fever sky rocket.

“Lila, this is Sebastian! You know who he plays right?” You ask the toddler in your arms. Sebastian ducking a bit so he could hear her over the commotion in the store.

“Yeah, he’s the wiener soldier!” She replied. Both you and Seb had to hold back your laughs at her answer.

Lila bragging about how she loves you more than Sebastian.

Seb having to agree because he doesn’t wanna make a toddler cry.

Before you all left, you took pictures with Lila and her parents and signed a bunch of her merch.

^ the boys got their picture.

You guys get back on the bus only to come back to rolls of paper under your seats.

You all sang the “Avengers” song, singing screaming the lyrics dramatically.

Don and Anthony bringing on the vocals.

Before you guys get off the bus you all take a selfie together.

Leaving Chris Hemsworth on the bus and walking off the bus with your heart all warm and fuzzy because you had an amazing time with your boyfriend and your friends :)

This is so long holy shit

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

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[thimbil]

Having some thoughts about the references and inspirations used for the Bad Batch’s designs.

So Boba Fett is my absolute favorite character and Temeura Morrison was perfect casting. I went to see the 2008 TCW movie in theaters because I was so excited to see him again, even if he was animated. You can imagine my disappointment. Whoever was on screen was not Temeura Morrison. You could sort of see a resemblance if you squinted and didn’t think too hard about it. They replaced Temeura with Racially Ambiguous G.I. Joe. If I didn’t know better and someone told me the animated clones are space Italians from the moon of New Jersey I would buy it. One Million Brothers Pizzeria and Italian Bistro. Not that there’s something wrong with being space Italian, I just don’t think it’s the right choice for the Fetts. The design got slightly improved by season 7 but it still bugs the hell out of me.

I did eventually get into the show later and (of course) got invested in the clones. Unfortunately, they were largely sidelined by the Jedi storylines. Out of the two new main characters created for TCW, Ahsoka definitely got more development and focus than Rex. When they announced The Bad Batch, I was excited to see a show specifically devoted to the clones… at least that’s what it said on the tin. We have all seen what lurks beneath those stylish helmets.

Jango Fett, you are NOT the father.

So who is?

Based on interviews with Filoni, it sounds like the Bad Batch was a George Lucas idea. And like all his ideas, it’s super derivative. The original trilogy directly lifted elements from sci fi serials, westerns, and samurai movies, more specifically Kurosawa films like The Hidden Fortress. For The Bad Batch character designs, the influence is obviously American action and adventure movies.

Now let’s get specific. Bad Batch, who’s your daddy?

Hunter

Sylvester Stallone as Rambo in First Blood 1982. That bandana has become an integral part of the iconic action hero look. You see a character wearing one and it’s a visual shorthand for either “this character is a tough guy” like Billy played by Sonny Landham in Predator 1987, or “this character thinks he is/wants to be a tough guy” like Brand played by Josh Brolin in The Goonies 1985 or Edward Frog played by Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys 1987.

Hunter’s model is closest to the original clone base. If you look closely you will see the eyebrows are straighter with a much lower angle to the arch. His nose is also not the same shape as a standard clone like Rex, including a narrower bridge. It’s certainly not Temeura Morrison’s nose. Remember what I said about space Italians? It didn’t take much to push the existing clone design to resemble an specific Italian man instead of a specific Māori man. The 23&Me came back, and Hunter inherited more than the bandana from Sylvester.

Crosshair

The long narrow nose, the sharp cheekbones, the scowl. That’s no clone, that’s just animated Clint Eastwood. Not even Young and Hot Clint Eastwood from Rawhide 1959-1965. With that hair, I’m talking Gran Torino 2008. The man of few words schtick and family friendly toothpick in lieu of cigar are pure Eastwood as The Man With No Name from Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns A Fist Full of Dollars 1964, For a Few Dollars More 1965, and The Good the Bad and the Ugly 1966.

In a way, this is full circle because the actor Jeremy Bulloch took inspiration from Clint Eastwood for his performance as Boba Fett in ESB.

Wrecker

In an interview Filoni lists the Hulk as an (obvious) inspiration for Wrecker. Ever seen the old Hulk tv show from 1978? Well take a look at the actor who played him, Lou Ferrigno. Would you look at that. Even has his papa’s nose.

You could make the argument that Wrecker was influenced by The Rock, an appropriately buff ‘n bald Polynesian (Samoan, not Maori) man. But look at him next his Fast and Furious costar Vin Diesel and tell me which one resembles Wrecker’s character model more.

Tech

Tech is a little trickier for me to place. If he has a more direct inspiration it must be something I haven’t seen. That said, his hairline is very Bruce Willis as John McClane in Die Hard 1988. His quippiness and large glasses remind me of Shane Black as Hawkins from Predator 1987. In terms of his face, he looks a but like the result of McClane and Hawkins deciding to settle down and start a family. Although, Tech’s biggest contributors are probably just everyone on TV Trope’s list for Smart People Wear Glasses.

And finally,

Echo

Oh Echo. Considering he wasn’t created for the Bad Batch, he probably wasn’t based on a particular character or movie. But if I had to guess, his situation and appearance remind me a lot of Alex Murphy played by Peter Weller in Robocop 1987. However, Robocop explored the Man or Machine Identity Crisis with more nuance, depth, and dignity. Yikes.

The exact tropes and references used in The Bad Batch have been done successfully with characters who aren’t even human. Gizmo from Gremlins 2: The New Batch 1990 had a brief stint with the Rambo bandana. I could have picked any number of characters for Defining Feature Is Glasses but here is the most cursed version of Simon of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Suffer as I have. Marc Antony with his beloved Pussyfoot from Looney Tunes has the same tough guy with a soft center vibe as Wrecker and his Lula (also a kind of cat). Hell, in the same show we have Cad Bane sharing Cowboy Clint Eastwood with Crosshair. I actually think Bane makes a better Eastwood which is wild considering Crosshair has Eastwood’s entire face and Bane is blue.

So we’ve established you don’t need your characters to look exactly like their inspirations to match their vibe. So why go through the trouble and cost of creating completely new character designs instead of recycling and altering assets they already had on hand? Just slap on a bandana, toothpick, goggles, and make Wrecker bigger than the others while he does a Hulk pose and you’re done. Based on the general reaction to Howzer it would have been a low effort slam dunk crowd pleaser.

But they didn’t do that.

So here’s the thing. I like the tropes used in The Bad Batch. I am a fan of action adventure movies from the 80s-90s, the sillier the better. I am part of the Bad Batch’s target audience. Considering what I know about Disney and Lucasfilm, I went in with low expectations. I genuinely don’t hate the idea of seeing references to these actors and media in The Bad Batch. I don’t think basing these characters on tropes was a bad idea. If anything it’s a solid starting point for building the characters.

The trouble is nothing got built on the foundation. The plot is directionless, the pacing is wacky, and the characters have nearly no emotional depth or defining character arcs. They just sort of exist without reacting much while the story happens around them. But I can excuse all of that. You don’t stay a fan of Star Wars as long as I have not being able to cherrypick and fill in the gaps. This show has a deeper issue that shouldn’t be ignored.

Why do the animated clones bear at best only a passing resemblance to their live action actor? In interviews, Filoni wouldn’t shut up but the technological advancements in the animation for season 7. So if they are updating things, why not try to make the clones a closer match to their source material? Why did they have to look like completely different people in The Bad Batch to be “unique”? Looking like Temeura Morrison would have no bearing on their special abilities and TCW proved you can have identical looking characters and still have them be distinct. In fact, that’s a powerful theme and the source of tragedy for the clones’ narrative overall.

Here’s Filoni’s early concept art of Crosshair, Wrecker, Tech, and Hunter. (Interesting but irrelevant: Wrecker seems to have a cog tattoo similar to Jesse’s instead of a scar. Wouldn’t it have been funny if they kept that so when they met in season 7 one if them could say something like “Hey we’re twins!” That’s a little clone humor. Just for you guys 😘)

None of these drawings look like the clones in TCW, much less Temeura Morrison. Let’s be generous. Maybe Filoni struggles with drawing a real person’s likeness, as many people do. But he had to hand this off to other artists down the line whose job specifically involves making a stylized character resemble their actor. Yet the final designs missed the mark almost as much as this initial concept. Starting to seem as if the clones looking more like Temeura Morrison was never even on the table. It wasn’t a lack of creativity, skill or technical limitations on the part of the creative team. I don’t think there is an innocent explanation. They went out of their way to make the final product exactly how we got it.

This goes beyond homage. They could have made the same pop culture references and character tropes without completely stripping Temeura Morrison from the role he originated. It was a very purposeful choice to replace him with more immediately familiar actors from established franchises and films. It wouldn’t shock me if Filoni, Lucas, and anyone else calling the shots didn’t even think hard or care enough about the decision to immediately recognize a problem. And I don’t think they believed anyone else would either. At least no one whose opinion they cared about. Those faces are comfortingly familiar and proven bankable. They are what we’re all used to seeing after all. They’re white.

Lack of imagination, bad intentions, or simple ignorance doesn’t really matter in the end. The result is the same. Call it what it is. They replaced a man of color with a bunch of white guys. That’s by the book garden variety run of the mill whitewashing. There’s no debate worth having about it. For a fanbase that loves to nitpick things like whether or not it’s in character for Han to shoot first or Jeans Guy in the Mandalorian, we sure are quick to find excuses for clones who look nothing like their template. Why is that? If you don’t see the problem, congratulations. Your ass is showing. Pull your jeans up.

[the-desolated-quill]

WandaVision: ‘Subverting’ Good Television - Quill’s Scribbles

(Spoilers for the first five episodes)

Hey everyone! Well... it’s been a while, hasn’t it? The last time I wrote a proper review or Scribble, people still thought the COVID crisis would be over within a month. The poor saps. But I thought that as a special way to mark this year’s Valentines Day, we could take a closer look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s shittiest power couple in their new Disney+ show WandaVision.

The first of many MCU spin-off shows that nobody asked for, broadcast exclusively on Disney’s totally unnecessary streaming platform, WandaVision is about everybody’s favourite whitewashed Nazi experiment and her red sexbot boyfriend as they try to fit into a suburban sitcom neighbourhood without arousing suspicion.

Yes, you read that correctly. The MCU has a sitcom now. My life is now complete.

Sarcasm aside, I was legitimately curious about WandaVision because of its unusual setting. And considering one of my most common criticisms of the MCU is its total lack of creativity, anything that’s even a little bit subversive is bound to attract my attention. Of course ‘subversive’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good.’ I could hand you a canvas smeared with my own shit and call it subversive. That doesn’t necessarily make it good art. And that’s exactly what WandaVision is. A canvas smeared with shit.

So lets split this critical analysis/review/angry bitter rant into two distinct chapters. The first focusing on the plot and setting, and the second focusing on the characters. Okay? Okay.

Chapter 1: Bewitched

Critics seem to be utterly enamoured with the whole sitcom gimmick, and it is a gimmick. As far as I can tell from the episodes I’ve seen, the sitcom setting serves no real purpose whatsoever other than to make the show ‘quirky.’ Which I wouldn’t mind, believe it or not, if the show was actually funny. There’s just one problem. It’s not.

Now in some ways describing why a sitcom doesn’t work is often futile because comedy is largely subjective. What I find funny, you won’t necessarily find funny and vice versa. With WandaVision, however, I won’t have that problem. I can demonstrate to you precisely why WandaVision, objectively, isn’t funny. And it all comes down to one simple thing. The stakes. Or rather the complete and total absence of stakes.

The show makes it very clear from the beginning that none of what we’re seeing is real. The cheesy theme song, the era appropriate special effects (mostly. It’s actually very inconsistent), the joke commercials, and, in the case of the first two episodes, which are in black and white, the appearance of red lights and objects in Scarlet Witch’s general vicinity. (Gee, what a mystery this is).

Basically Wanda has brought Vision back from the dead and created this sitcom world for them to inhabit. I’ll explain the stupidity of this in Chapter 2. The point is none of this is real, and that has a negative effect on the comedy because the very nature of comedy is suffering. Take the plot of the first episode. Wanda and Vision have to prepare a dinner to impress Vision’s boss. If they fail, Vision could lose his job and the couple could be exposed as superheroes. If this were a normal sitcom, it would work. The stakes are clear and it would be satisfying to see the two struggle and overcome the odds. But here, we know it’s not real. If it’s not real, it means there’s no stakes. If there’s no stakes, it means there’s no suffering. If there’s no suffering, there’s no comedy.

It would be one thing if the unfunny sitcom stuff lasted for like the first ten minutes or so before making way for the actual plot, but it doesn’t. Oh no. It doesn’t even last for the first episode. Out of the five episodes I’ve watched, four of them are almost entirely about these unfunny, objectively flawed sitcom homages, each set in a different time period. The fifties, the sixties, and so on. And what’s worse is that nothing that happens in them is plot-relevant. That gets relegated to the last five minutes of an episode. So you’re forced to sit through twenty five minutes of boring slapstick and puns in order to catch even a whiff of actual story. Which begs the question... who is this for exactly? It can’t be entertaining to Marvel fans, who have to slog through all this pointless shit so they can figure out what the fuck is going on. Comedy fans may get a kick out of the sitcom pastiche at first, but after four episodes, surely the joke would wear thin. So why is it in here? Clearly someone in the writer’s room absolutely fell in love with the idea of doing a Marvel sitcom, but nobody put in any time or effort to figure out how it would work in context.

I cannot stress enough how bad the plotting of this series is. As I said, the vast majority of a thirty minute episode is about shitty sitcom plots that aren’t funny and don’t have any impact on the story, only to then tease you with a crumb of actual plot in order to keep you coming back for the next instalment. Admittedly it’s an effective strategy. I was more than ready to quit after Episode 2 until that beekeeper showed up out of the sewer (don’t ask. It’s not important). WandaVision essentially follows the Steven Moffat school of bad writing. String your audience along with the promise that things might get more interesting later on and that all the bullshit that came before will retroactively make sense by the end. Except, as demonstrated with BBC’s Sherlock, that doesn’t work. And even if it did, it wouldn’t justify wasting the audience’s fucking time. And that’s what the majority of WandaVision is. A waste of time.

The only episode that doesn’t follow the sitcom format is the fourth episode. Instead it basically exists to explain all the shit that happened before. The shit that the audience, frankly, are smart enough to figure out for themselves. Wanda created the sitcom world as a way of coping with the loss of Vision, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, we got it. Thanks. It doesn’t advance the plot or anything. It’s just a massive info-dump. But by far the lowest point was when Darcy (by far the most annoying character in the first Thor film and is just as obnoxious here) was sat in front of the TV, watching the sitcom and asking the same questions we were. Not even attempting to look for answers. Just reiterating what the audience is thinking. Like this is an episode of fucking Gogglebox.

In the end it becomes apparent why the series is structured the way that it is. It’s to hoodwink people into subscribing to Disney’s stupid streaming service. If you think about it, there was no reason for WandaVision to be a TV series other than to lure gullible fans in with a piece-meal story buried in a mountain of crap. This isn’t a TV show. It’s what is cynically known in the world of big business executives as ‘content.’ They’re not interested in entertaining the audience. Instead they crave ‘engagement’, which isn’t the same thing. Watching WandaVision is like staring into the void, waiting for something to happen, while Disney charge you for the privilege.

Chapter 2: I Love Lucy

So the plot sucks balls. What about the characters? Surely if Wanda and Vision are likeable at least, it’ll give us something to cling onto.

Well as I was watching the first episode, it suddenly hit me that I couldn’t remember anything that happened to them in previous films. I knew Vision died, but other than that, I couldn’t tell you significant plot details or their personalities or anything. Not a great start.

See, up until now, Vision and Scarlet Witch have been little more than background characters. So already there’s an uphill struggle to get us invested in their relationship, especially considering we haven’t actually seen that relationship develop. In Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Scarlet Witch is killing people because she’s pissed off about Tony Stark killing people (you work that one out) until all of a sudden she stops and joins the good guys because the script said so. Vision meanwhile is introduced as a convenient deus ex machina to beat Ultron and gets no real personality other than he’s a robot. Captain America: Civil War comes the closest to giving Wanda a story and personality of her own as it’s her actions that cause the Sokovia Accords to come into effect, but she never gets any real growth or payoff as the film is heavily focused on Cap and Iron Man’s penis measuring contest. And as for Vision, all he does in the film is accidentally cripple War Machine. No real character or arc there as such. And then we have Avengers: Infinity War, where Wanda and Vision are now sporadically in love and on the run until that pesky Josh Brolin, looking like a CGI cross between Joss Whedon and a grumpy grape, comes along and rips out Vision’s Infinity Stone to power up his golden glove of doom, and the film treats this like a tragic moment, except... it isn’t. Because we haven’t really had the time to properly get to know these characters and see their romance blossom. So instead it just comes off as hollow and forced.

WandaVision has the exact same problem. Apparently Wanda was so distraught about Vision’s death that she broke into a SWORD base, stole his corpse, brought it back from the dead... somehow, and then enslaved an entire town of people to create an idyllic lifestyle for her and her hubby while broadcasting it as a sitcom to the outside world... for some reason. Putting aside the dubious morality of it all, it’s impossible to really sympathise with Wanda or her supposed grief because we’ve barely spent any time with her. Had the Marvel movies taken the time to properly explore the characters and show us their relationship grow and develop, this might have had more emotional resonance. But no, it just happens. In one film they barely speak to each other and in the next they’re a couple. No effort to explore how they feel about each other or any of the problems that may arise trying to date a robot. It just happens and we’re just supposed to care. Well I’m sorry, but I don’t care. You’re going to have to try a little bit harder than that I’m afraid. What’s worse is that, thanks to the whole fake sitcom thing, it’s impossible to really become invested in Wanda and her plight because the show has to constantly keep us at arms length at all times in order to keep up the pretence that this bullshit is somehow mysterious.

Looking through the WandaVision tag, it amuses me how many people say that she’s acting out of character. And yeah, her actions are a bit of a head scratcher. Why would an Eastern European’s ideal life be an American sitcom? Why a sitcom? Why kidnap an entire town? Why keep changing the decade? None of it makes sense, but you’re wrong for thinking that Wanda is behaving out of character for the simple reason that Wanda has never actually had a character. In fact, ironically, Wanda mind controlling an entire town and forcing them to do her bidding is probably the one consistent thing about her as she did this in Age Of Ultron. In interviews, Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany described how they used actors like Elizabeth Montgomery and Dick Van Dyke as influences, which is really funny because they’re straight up admitting they don’t have characters and even now they’re still not playing the characters, instead emulating the work of far better actors.

As I was watching the show, it became abundantly clear that not only do Marvel not have the faintest idea what they wanted to do with these characters, but they also straight up don’t give a shit about these characters. Wanda in particular has had a rough time under the tyrannical regime of the House of Mouse. First they cast Elizabeth Olsen, a white woman, to play a Romani character, then systematically erasing her Jewish roots, even going so far as to put a cross in her bedroom in Civil War, and now the character is being butchered even more by forcing her into an American sitcom housewife role that she apparently willingly chose for herself, which is laughable. I mean say what you like about Magneto in the X-Men films, at least they actually depicted his Jewish culture. At least they recognised his Jewish background was important (though not important enough to cast a Jewish actor apparently). Wanda’s steady cultural erasure over the years is incredibly insidious and judging by Olsen’s comments in interviews, where she called Wanda’s comic book outfit a quote ‘gypsy thing’ unquote, it seems nobody has an ounce of fucking respect for the character or the culture she’s supposed to be representing. (and to all those kissing her arse saying it was a slip of the tongue, she has been repeatedly called out for using the slur in the past, so at this point I’d describe her behaviour as wilful ignorance)

If you want further proof of how much Marvel doesn’t seem to care about Wanda, look no further than her brother Pietro, aka Quicksilver. At the end of Episode 5, Wanda brings Pietro back from the dead, except it’s not Pietro. It’s Peter Maximoff, the Quicksilver from the X-Men films played by Peter Evans, who coincidentally is not Jewish or Romani either. So Quicksilver has the dubious honour of not only being whitewashed three times, but also twice within the same franchise. But should we really be surprised at this point? It’s Marvel after all. The same company that whitewashed the Ancient One in Doctor Yellowface and claimed it wasn’t racist because Tilda Swinton is ‘Celtic’. But now I’m going off topic. My point is that this isn’t a simple case of recasting an actor like Mark Ruffalo replacing Edward Norton as the Hulk. WandaVision actually acknowledges the recast in-universe, which makes no sense. Why would Wanda bring back her brother, only to make him look like a different person? We the audience may be familiar with this version of Quicksilver, but she isn’t. That would be like me bringing my Grandad back to life and making him look like Ian McKellen. He’d be perfectly charming, I’m sure, but he wouldn’t be my Grandad. 

If Marvel really cared about the characters or narrative consistency, they would have brought Aaron Taylor Johnson back. Instead, now they have absorbed 20th Century Fox into the hellish Disney abyss, they use X-Men’s Quicksilver as a means to keep viewers from switching off and so that people will write stupid articles and think pieces about whether the rest of the X-Men will show up in the MCU. It’s like dangling your keys in front of a toddler’s face to distract them from the rotting corpse of a raccoon lying face down in the corner of the room.

And it’s here where I decided to stop watching the show because fuck Disney.

Epilogue: One Foot In The Grave

You know, I am sick and tired of the so called ‘professional’ critics bending over backwards to praise these god awful films and shows when it’s so clear to anyone with a functioning brain cell how bad they truly are. WandaVision is without a doubt one of the most cynically produced and poorly structured TV shows I’ve ever seen. Its riffs on classic sitcoms are pointless and self-indulgent, the writing is terrible, the characters are unlikable and unsympathetic, and it’s entirely emblematic of what the entire MCU has become of late. And it’s only going to get worse as Disney drowns us with more ‘content’ to keep the plebs ‘engaged’. In short; pathetic.

[bigskydreaming]

Okay, so when the X-Men inevitably join the MCU, since like, Josh Brolin can get to play both Cable and Thanos I say that Edi Gathegi having played Darwin in First Class shouldn’t deter him from getting to play say, Manifold who this post is also maintaining should definitely be an X-Man on the big screen. Its a two-fer.

In fact, I would go so far as to say Marvel OWES Edi Gathegi another X-Men role after the bullshit that was killing the guy who’s literal mutant power is he’s unkillable, that’s it, that’s the entire logline, his high concept, his core PREMISE is he ADAPTS TO SURVIVE with his debut comic book story being he fucking turned into a being of LIVING ENERGY when all else failed and you’re gonna tell me that fucking Kevin Bacon is just like hey here have this weird glowing energy hairball I coughed up and boom Darwin’s dead LIKE LITERALLY WTF, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW.

In conclusion, I am definitely over that scene and not holding a grudge at all and oh yeah, also Edi Gathegi for Eden Fesi in a future X-Men movie, its what he deserves. Like I’m not saying this is how Darwin can still come back, but this is how Darwin can still come back.

[banjodanger]

Deadpool 2(2018)

I don’t know if I’m going to an afterthought blog for this one.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is a bad movie. I think this accomplishes what all the best sequels do, which is to build on an existing property and add to the lore, as well as telling a new story. We liked the first one and asked for more(not like there was ever any doubt concerning a sequel), and we are given exactly that. Zazie Beetz gives an absolutely phenomenal performance as Domino and Josh Brolin turns in a very grizzled Josh Brolin performance as Cable. Still kinda wish they’d hired Kiera Knightley but whatever.

But I legitimately cannot ignore the fridging.

If you’ve never heard the phrase, “Women in Refrigerators,” I’ll try to give a brief overview. The term was coined by Gail Simone to draw attention to women who are killed or maimed in order to motivate the male character. It was cheap, lazy story telling twenty years ago and it’s lazy in this film too. There’s not even an attempt to parody or say something about the practice. They just...do it. And then use it as motivation for Wade’s character throughout the film. Vanessa wanted a kid, and then here is Wade (trying?) to counsel Russell. And that’s a charitable reading, she barely registers a mention after Colossus brings him to the mansion. Cable brings up his dead wife and daughter more often. Which, hey, more fridging so at least the movie is consistent.

Negasonic comes out in this movie. Brianna Hildebrand requested that the queer angle not “be a big deal,” and I think the movie succeeded there. A step toward normalizing queer relationships is not patting oneself on the back for merely acknowledging the idea that they exist. You know, like making a vague half-second reference to one in your three-hour movie, Disney. Or any of the other “We’re including a gay character” moments from Disney films. By my count, they’ve included a queer character for the first time roughly five separate times. Eventually, just admit you fucked up and try to do better instead of trying to rewrite history every six months.

It’s also amazing to me that, in a movie that murders several popular characters in a single sequence, Juggernaut still ends up being the most disapointing appearance. I want to say it’s better here than in Last Stand, but “Better Than Last Stand” is not an achievement. There’s probably liquor store surveillance footage that’s better than The Last Stand. Still, this is the second movie that seems to extremely undercut Juggernaut’s powers, and that’s a baffling decision because Juggernaut is a character tailor-made to be ridiculous. In a spin-off like this, that has branded itself as unafraid to boundaries, it’s very strange that this character is the one they chose to hold back on.

So that’s Deadpool 2 in a nutshell. Maybe it sounds like I’m dumping on one aspect of the movie, but it comes in hard at the beginning and the stink doesn’t go away. It clouds the whole movie, a noxious cloud of fumes that just doesn’t go away. And if it kind of sounds like I’m describing a fart, well, the description felt appropriate. I said at the beginning I might not write an afterthoughts blog on this movie. We’ll see what happens, but don’t be surprised if after the movie notes I just skip to Dark Phoenix. At least there I get to talk about Warren Zevon for a little.

Budget: 110 Million

First Weekend: 125 Million

Total Worldwide Gross: 783 Million

[inkmemes]

happy  endings  (  2011-2013  )  sentence  starters ↪ taken  from  various episodes.  alter  as  you  see  fit.

“if mary tyler moore married and then divorced steven tyler, then married and divorced michael moore, then got into a three way lesbian marriage with demi moore and mandy moore, would she go by the name mary tyler moore tyler moore moore moore?”

“you're like kathy bates but fatter!”

“she has to read my energy in person. don't you know how science works?”

“i've got to get my life together.”

"when you say it out loud like that it just really sinks in, like when i found out gossip girl was a guy.”

“[name], you're acting extra nuts, and i'm not talking about ‘mistaking the teaspoon with tablespoon’ kinda nuts. i'm talking about ‘mel gibson downing a 5 hour energy and showing up at a bar mitzvah’ kinda nuts.”

"nobody solves things through tennis matches anymore bro; it's not the 80s.”

"i wouldn't say we spend that much time together, i mean just breakfast 4 or 5 times a week before work.”

"you are great together. jay and bey great.”

“tampa is not a place you go; it's a place you end up.”

"well, as the author of several dozen cries for help, i know a good one when i hear one.”

"i don't have to be in charge, even though it's better when i am.”

“excuse me, i don't normally do this. but you have the hair of a greek shipping magnate's worthless son.”

"i got dumped by a girl in high school, licked my wounds, got way into anime and moved on.”

"she's not even instagramming anymore. she hasn't posted a picture of an appetizer all week.”

"hey forgetti and meatballs! jason bourne called and said he remembers more stuff than you.”

"could you bring me a dress that's a little more affordable like maybe one from last season or one that somebody died in?”

"you need a dirtbag and luckily enough for you my middle name is herbert and i'm a dirtbag.”

"you look like an assistant manager at a jacksonville multiplex.”

"i mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it. in fact sir, i would like an apology. i am hurt. i am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that i would screw this up for you.”

"you lightly bite one security guard and they act like you're a criminal!”

“i can't believe anyone voluntarily decided to marry [name]. i mean, she's a disaster of a human woman, am i right?”

“[name] you son of a bitch, you're as innocent as you are stunning.”

“we're not even. and when it comes, my revenge will be served like the tennis serve of a seventh grade girl. slow, out of bounds, and i will pull balls out of my skirt.”

"i’m rich! i'm no longer the poor one! i'm not sharing this with any of you. you're all dead to me.”

"imagine a world where your friends don't exist ... who would we hang out with?”

"it's going to be an awesome night!”

“[name], you do not have disposable income when you owe us $11,000 and three cats.”

"the only orlando i like starts with tony or ends with bloom.”

"usually rebranding doesn't work. look at kfc. i’m sorry guys but you will always been kitchen fresh chicken to me.”

“that's right, i'm straight now. from this moment forward, it's gonna be a steady diet of boobs and dudes, dammit. i am not longer interested in men, i am only interested in mankind. from this moment forward it will be a steady diet will be chicks with d...ammit. i love guys. my favorite thing to touch is va-penis.”

“honestly i haven't been too into music since smashmouth left the game.”

"when did we all turn against mayer?”

“hat would kerry washington do in scandal? demand to see the president and then almost make out with him.”

"wow, that's what 275 pounds of lonely looks like.”

"i once saw you put sunscreen on a grape because you didn't want it to become a raisin.”

"easy breezy vibe? i thought you had more of a dead of winter, girl with the dragon tattoo, skarsgaard murderhouse vibe.”

“i was wrong about coldplay though, they're still huge.”

“sShe's like crazy stupid love crazy, not like people who loved crazy stupid love crazy, i mean she's not a psycho.”

"i think it's amazing, i want no part of it.”

"he could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit, your one tree hill.”

"a fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men.”

"we were still reeling from the events surrounding the film vanilla sky.”

"i need some hand sani for my face.”

"you look like the olsen twins’ brother larry kate olsen.”

"man, i love the workplace. fluorescent lighting, stale coffee, and the sweet sound of men quoting classic comedies.”

"it's like a slinky with breasts.”

"my prom date was one of those murderball champions.”

"the guys wanted me, and the girls wanted to be me.”

"i’m ellen. i feel like if i’m gonna be a lesbian i might as well go straight to the top!”

“[name], why are you dressed like josh brolin from the goonies?”

“the pinot and the pants are flowing, the brie is a-baking, it's time to stop waiting and start exhaling.”

“my skin is so dry it has a british accent.”

"i love to hear the sound of bones crunching.”

"the doctor said you're lucky you're still alive.”

"every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong.”

"you've been cooped up here way too long. you're starting to ‘rear window’ and make stuff up.”

“[name], what was so important that you had to call me over here? i was right in the middle of doing nothing.”

"i can't believe [name] is a better person than you.”

"i wouldn't turn my nose up to dating a mugger, they're entrepreneurs.”

"i’d rather be surprised by a disappointment than happy with what i expected. it's why i never ask if a pool is heated.”

"give me that knife and like me more!”

"tv really is nature's babysitter.”

"only you would spend hundreds of dollars to get a free 99 cent food item.”

“you're sweating on my bruschetta.”

[trashinaglass-archive]

Movie Magic

Tom and y/n work together on a film for the first time.

Request: the reader is an actress who’s in a different marvel film (like guardians of the galaxy) and she’s been dating tom holland for a few years, everyone knows. and they’re filming for infinity war and it’s obvs their first time acting together and everyone is looking at them and it’s lowkey awkward but cute and tom is just in awe of how good an actress the reader is. thank you so much,,i love your writing and enjoy reading it :)

A/n: I have zero knowledge on what film sets are like so sorry if it’s wrong. I’m so glad you like my writing- thank you so much for reading it!

I suck at coming up with titles, hope that’s okay😂

     “Peter, don’t!” You yelled as you got more and more into your character. You played Grace, sister to Peter Quill. You were currently on set filming the scene where Mantis temporarily hypnotizes (I don’t know what she did is actually called, but we’ll go with hypnotize) Thanos as Peter, Tony, and your character struggled to pry the guantlet off his giant hand. Peter couldn’t hold his emotions, however, and started to get angry towards Thanos about Gamora’s whereabouts.

     “Stop! Peter, stop!” You yelled just as he struck Thanos in the face, breaking him from Mantis’s hold. He smacked you and Peter Parker away, grabbing the gauntlet and slipping it back on.

     “And cut! Good job, guys,” you heard Anthony yell from across the room. You sat up and fixed your hair, which had gotten messed up from the force of the wires pulling you away from Josh Brolin’s character.

     “You good?” You heard your boyfriend ask you. You looked at Tom standing over you, offering a hand to help you up.

     “Perfect,” You said as you grabbed his hand feeling him pull you to your feet. You walked off the set to see the Russo brothers coming close to you.

     “Let’s do this scene with you two, Pratt, and RDJ, and then we’ll move to another location,” Joe told you and Tom as you both mentally went back to your characters. “Action!”

     “I’m Peter,” Tom said walking up to you quickly. You look at him with a confused face.

     “I’m not interested,” you replied seeing him make a face and go back to stand by Robert. You watched as Chris and Robert gave their lines, bickering back and forth, you chiming in when it was your turn. You turned as you felt a pair of eyes on you. Tom had been staring at you the entire time. You decided to play with him, hoping they would keep the footage for the movie.

     “Does your boy here do anything useful?” You asked pointing to Tom who looked around gesturing with his hands as of saying ‘who, me?’

     “Hey, kid. We have important issues to deal with right now. Stare at the pretty girl later,” Robert told him with a pat on the shoulder.

     “But Mr. Stark,” he started to say before everyone turned to him with a ‘shut up’ face. “Nevermind, I’m good.”

     “Cut!” Anthony called with a laugh. “Although, I really loved that, let’s try one more time with the actual script.”

. . .

     A few takes later and you were done shooting for the day. You were chatting with Pratt in catering waiting for Tom to finish his last shots for the day also. It wasn’t long before you heard his footsteps behind you, making you turn to face him.

     “You finished?” You asked him.

     “Yeah, finally,” he said taking a seat next to you.

     “You did good today, Pete,” you said jokingly, rubbing his arm.

     “I liked watching you work,” he told you. “I don’t get to see that ever.”

     “Is that why you were staring so hard earlier?” You asked him as you took a sip of your water.

     “Yeah, I didn’t think you’d notice.”

     “The entire studio noticed, dude,” Pratt interrupted with a laugh.

     “Really?” Tom asked. He really thought he was being inconspicuous about it.

     “Nah, man,” Mackie said as he began to approach the table. “I wasn’t even there, and I could still tell you were staring at that girl.”

     “How old are you two anyways? Are you even allowed to date yet?” Sebastian asked following Anthony.

     “No, I think she’s like 21ish and you know Tom’s like 8,” Anthony told him. You couldn’t help but laugh at both of them.

     “At least I can get a girlfriend,” he told the two men. They both made shocked faces and looked at each other.

     “Damn,” You said with a giggle.

     “Okay, I see you, Mr. Holland,” Anthony said teasingly. “Well I gotta go, I’ll see you guys later.”

     “Yeah, we should head out too,” Tom said looking at you. You both stood up and gathered your belongings before heading out, saying goodbye to Chris as you left.

     “I liked getting to watch you work, too,” you said as you headed for the car.

     “Really?”

     “Yeah, and it’s kind of hilarious how you can change your voice in an instant.”

     “Because I’m just amazing like that,” Tom said with his American voice before going back to his actual voice. “You’re a great actress, by the way. That’s why I was staring so hard, I was just in awe of how talented you are.”

     “Tom, stop it,” you said with a slight blush.

     “But you are! And you’re so quick and witty, like what you did earlier? It was hilarious. I’m so glad I get to work with you, babe.”

     “You’re so sweet, Tom. It’s the best working with you, too.”

    “It also got me thinking,” Tom said as he started the car.

     “Thinking about what?”

     “What if we role played as our characters one time?” He suggested looking hopeful.

     “Absolutely not.”

     “But y/n, it could be really fun,” he tried to sway you into agreeing.

     “No because then we’ll come into work and all I’ll be thinking about is how Grace and Peter got it on,” you said trying not to laugh.

     “But it’s no difference to coming into work and knowing y/n and Tom got it on.”

     “It’s different to me- I’m not role playing as our characters,” You said finally, your mind made up.

     “Okay, I’ll ask again in a few days,” Tom said jokingly.

I don’t know what this turned into, but I had such a hard time writing this😂 Hope it works for you, anon.

I learned through writing this that Mackie is actually married. Crazy. Learn something new everyday. Sebastian could also be dating someone, but as far as I know he’s still single.

[ocean-park-avenue]

Tom Hiddleston X Reader: Your Solace

Relationship: F/M

Words: 1581

Tags: Injuries, gore-ish, Angst

Originals found on my AO3 account: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18797740

Summary: Something goes wrong at the Endgame premier in LA.

The loud cheering of the crowd echoed of the lit streets of Los Angeles. Black and white limousines pulled up against the curb. The driver of each opened the black door to reveal each stunning celebrity that was dressed in the finest of fashion and elegance.

You sighed.

So far, almost the entire cast of Endgame was on the red carpet now. You spotted Chris Evans and Anthony Mackie laughing along with a cute blonde reporter. You also spotted Tom Holland and Benedict Cumberbatch having a casual interview with a reporter from Entertainment Tonight.

All this commotion and still, you had not seen Tom Hiddleston once.

You sighed again, deeply.

A small hand slapped your back, causing you to bump into the metal bars that separated the common public from the busy celebrities on the other side of the road.

“Oops— sorry!”

You glared at your friend Tamara. “You didn’t have to slap me to get my attention.”

“Well, it’s really loud. So, it was the best way to not cause a scene,” she replied sheepishly.

You just chuckled and went back to facing the red carpet. “Yeah, whatever.”

More limousines pulled up to the street side. You could see Pom Klementieff, Evangeline Lilly, and Jon Favreau step out of each of their vehicles and wave to the adoring crowd.

“Still don’t see Hiddleston?” Tamara asked as she leaned on the metal rail with you.

“Nope.”

“I’m sure he’ll show. I think he tweeted that he was coming. I’m not sure though.”

“Oh, no. It’s fine if he doesn’t show. I can still admire Sebastian from here.”

Tamara giggled. “Yeah, but I specifically bought these tickets so you could meet him . Though, your not wrong about Stan. That navy suit works for him.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” You waved your hand dismissively. “If the universe doesn’t what me to meet my idol, it’s fine.” You focused your eyes back to the red carpet and exhaled loudly.

“Well, fuck the universe then! I say you will meet him! And he will come! As a matter of fact...”

By now, you had already drowned out Tamara’s voice. It wasn’t that she was annoying of anything. She just had a habit of constantly rambling on unless someone or something interrupted her. You’d learned it was better to let her be. Interrupting her just made her forget what she was saying and then have her repeat it all over again.

The next line of limousines had pulled up to the curb. The drivers each held the door open. Out stepped Chris Pratt, Josh Brolin (you still hadn’t forgotten what Thanos did to Loki in Infinity War), and finally...

Your breath hitched when a smiling Tom Hiddleston came out of the last limousine, enthusiastically waving to the crowd of Marvel fans, guarded by the metal railing you were having trouble grasping.

It was him. It was really him , in the flesh. Not some picture on the internet, just him . Tom Hiddleston was right in front of you (well, more like a roads length away).

You wanted to yell out to him or something , but the lump in your throat said otherwise.

“...and that’s why is so important that this happens for yo— Hey, isn’t that him?” Tamara finished her rant and looked to the same man your eyes were locked on.

All you could do was nod.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Yell out to him, flash him for all I care,” —Tamara earned an elbow to the stomach for that comment—,” just do something. You deserve his attention more than any of these thirty thots.”

“Hey! That’s a bit rude. And no I don’t. They all paid for their tickets, just like us. I deserve as much attention from him as anyone else here. I’m not someone with special privileges.” You retorted.

“Yeah, but you’ve been through so much just to get to this point in your life. You at least deserve a little recognition for that.”

Tamara was starting to sound childish at this point and you rolled your eyes.

“My life is far from what I want it to be,” you said looking down at the asphalt road. It’s even unbearable sometimes .

“Ugh!” Tamara groaned. “You’ve been through so much shit and you don’t give yourself enough credit for getting through it all! Your family is full of assholes, your dating life was filled with assholes at one point, and even your friends were assholes! Well— not me. And...”

As Tamara began to rant again, you looked back at Tom. He was standing next to Chris Hemsworth as a report mainly asked questions aimed at the blonde. Tom just smiled and laughed along with the jokes being told. You admired all of it from a far.

Your admiration for Tom Hiddleston came the first time you saw Thor: Ragnarok. You were just so amazed with how he portrayed Loki. You’d wished you had found out about him sooner. After, you binge-watched all his movies. Everyone seemed to be better than the last. You developed a deep respect for him, and from then on, vowed to watch every movies, film, play, or musical with him in it.

His work had come into your life when you were at your lowest. All you wanted to do was meet him and say how thankful you were. Without all of his amazing acting, you wouldn’t have been here to see him in real life.

Taking a break from just blatantly staring at the man, you stretched your neck and looked down the side of the road. Your head stopped when you saw a man wearing all black enter a black SUV with a pistol in his hand. In the front seat, he started up the car and cocked the gun. Your eyes widened.

As soon as the car started driving, your legs were already hoisting yourself over the metal bars. A few security guards tried to run after you but all you could focus on was the the car speeding down the road.

Everything moved in slow motion from then on.

You ran as fast as your legs could carry you and managed to make it to the other side of the side walk before the car could run you over.

The window of the drivers side rolled down and a silver pistol peaked out from it.

Tom was just a step away from you when you heard the pistol fire and you jumped.

The world was no longer slow. Everything was loud and chaotic. The sound of people running and screaming filled your ears. It was irritating.

You wanted to cover your ears but you couldn’t. Your hands were already pressing firmly on the bullet wound on your stomach. You could feel the thick blood trickle onto your hands and down your side as you laid in a pool of your own blood.

Among the loud noise of screaming and running you could make out a familiar voice with a particular accent. “Oh, my God! Someone call 911! Get an ambulance! Now, please! She’s going to bleed to death!!”

You felt your torso lifted and placed into the lap of someone. That someone also joined in on pressing on the bullet wound.

Your vision was blurry and the loud noise mixed with the awful pain the wound provided was somehow becoming more relaxing by the second. Your eyelids felt heavy and your heartbeat slowed with each passing minute.

A pair of soft hands gently cupped your face and your eyes fluttered open. Tom Hiddleston stared down at you with an expression full of concern and worry.

“No, no, no. Please don’t fall asleep. You have to stay away until the ambulance arrives.” His voice was so calm, but you could hear the fret behind the facade.

“I want to sleep.” You mumbled as hot tears ran down your face. “I-it hurts too much.”

“Shh, shh,” Tom whispered. His thumb delicately moved under your tear-filled eyes yo wipe them. “I know, I know. Just, please, stay awake. They’ll be hear any minute.”

You began a coughing fit, coughing blood into your shirt. You felt the blood roll your jaw and onto your neck.

You focused on Tom’s rapid breathing, instead of the piercing pain the wound left in your stomach.

It feels so much better when I close my eyes, you thought and your eyes began to flutter.

Tom noticed right away and brought you back to your miserable reality. “What did I say? No sleeping, please.”

All you could manage was a nod.

There was silence before Tom spoke again. “Wh-Why?” he whispered.

“Wha...?”

“Why did you jump in front of the bullet? It was aimed at me and you ran all the way across the street just to take it for me. Why?”

For the first time in this terrible situation, you smiled. “Because of you. If I died no one would care. But if you died, all your fans would be left without you and you’ve helped so many people... including me. So, all I want to say is thank you. Thank you for everything you do. It means the world to me and so many others.”

You reached with both arms to envelope him in a hug.

At that moment all of the pain you’d ever felt, seemed to leave your body and mind all at once. You smiled once more. Your heart beat slowed and the world around you went black.

[storiesnobodyreads]

Hard To Be Loved 2

Characters: Tom Holland x Reader

Story: Reader is Tom’s girlfriend, and he’s taking her to the premiere of Infinity War. You are worried about how the fans will react to you, and unfortunately your concerns are proven right, and Tom isn’t there to support you. | The rude fan from the premiere shows up when you least expect it, and she turns out to be full of need for vengeance. 

A/N: hahahaha I’m afraid I have to apologize for writing this in parts, but I hope part two came fast enough! it’s more intense than the first one. thinking about writing a part 3 :)

PART 1 ... PART 3

Three minutes before the movie started, Tom managed to find his seat next to you. He was slightly sweaty thanks to the burning sun, moved around restlessly, and had a permanent smile on his face. Quickly, he moved in to kiss you, and you reacted too slowly to dodge him.

You should have walked out, you realised now. This was going to be terrible. You couldn’t say anything now because, god, this was one of the most important days of Tom’s life. The premiere of this gigantic movie, and he was a part of it. You could impossibly ruin this for him because you were insecure and jealous.

But the image of the redhead throwing her hair back while pulling herself closer to Tom, and her voice, I hope you fucking die, you don’t deserve Tom! You couldn’t stop hearing her voice.

“Whoa, that was insane, right?” Tom gushed beside you, snuggling in closer to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “All those people... I mean, everyone was so nice and supportive, you know!” Only when your lack of enthusiasm became obvious due to your lack of response, did Tom look at you a little better. “Love, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Tom frowned. “Are you sure? You don’t look fine.”

“I’m fine,” you insisted. “Let’s just... I’m happy that you’re happy. Let’s watch the movie, okay?”

Tom looked completely unsettled. Perhaps he knew you too well. “Y/N, come on,” he murmured, reducing his voice to a whisper since Tom Hiddleston was sitting two rows in front of you. Tom was never a fan of public drama. 

“I said I’m fine, Tom,” you hissed.

“Y/N, I don’t know what--”

Thankfully, the lights in the theatre started lowering, a sign that the movie was on the verge of starting. The rumour of the audience heightened for a short second in excitement, and then vanished, for there was absolute silence demanded. It was cute to spot all the thrilled actors in the crowd, since most of them presumably knew about their own part but not about the others.

Tom, however, stared at your face, with his eyes angrily narrowed that you hadn’t told him what was upsetting you.

Tom Hiddleston turned around and spotted Tom Holland, smiling and sending a wink to Spider-Man, then waving to you. He was clearly looking forward to showing the movie to the world.

Then Avengers: Infinity War started. You thanked the lord that you were a massive Marvel fan and had watched all the previous Marvel movies, making you absolutely fascinated with this one. You’d been waiting for it to come out for a year, though it felt like longer, and the fact you got to watch it with the cast was exuberayting. The Marvel logo appeared, quietly, and immediately you got absorbed into the screen.

*****

The movie was fucking fantastic. You laughed and cried. Laughed some more. Then cried a lot more.

Tom Hiddleston was laughing his ass off after the first scene, when he died, and everyone screamed out in horror and disbelief. How the hell had he managed to keep that a secret from everyone? you wondered. Looking over at your Tom, whose mouth was wide open in awe, you couldn’t help wishing that he’d succumbed to tell you what was going to happen to him this movie.

The audience whooped and cheered and shouted, and at the end, the ending that you despised, Josh Brolin rose from his chair and bowed to the crowd, which resulted in all the actors teasingly throwing popcorn at the man.

Then they started vanishing, turning to dust. Every single time another character disappeared, long and agonised ‘Noooooo’s’ emerged from the audience. Finally, you heard Peter’s, or Tom’s, voice. He had the final, most crushingly heart-breaking scene of the entire movie. The way he clung to Tony Stark, the way he begged not to go... Fuck.

You couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down your face, which sent a wide smile to Tom’s face.

The movie ended, final speeches were held by the Russo’s and Robert Downey Junior, directors, some actors, and then was announced that everyone was free again, but also free to join the party.

“Screw you,” you said to Tom, after everyone was allowed to talk again.

Tom raised one eyebrow at you. “Is that about the movie or about the other thing?”

It was a pity that he reminded you of the other thing. “The movie,” you replied, feeling a weight sinking down your chest when real life kicked back in. “How could you not tell me you died? Asshole.” You then quickly kissed him on the lips. “It was fucking amazing, though. Great movie. Great scene. You were my favourite throughout all of it.”

Tom was laughing, “Jeez, I better hope so! How weird would it have been if you’d been like, I love Chris Hemsworth so much more.”

Your look was serious. “I do love Chris Hemsworth.”

Tom’s look turned just as serious as yours. “Yeah, me too.”

Precisely at that moment, it was Chris Hemsworth who clapped Tom on the back, embracing him in a large Australian hug. “Holland!” he crushed your boyfriend with his massive arms. “I didn’t know you were going to die! Man, great scene. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, mate,” Tom looked like he was about to burst with happiness when Chris Hemsworth released him. “You were amazing. Should have gone for the head, though, eh?”

“Right.” Chris Hemsworth then took your hand a pressed a kiss on top of it. “Y/N, good to see you! What’d you think of the kid’s performance?”

“Fantastic, of course,” you beamed, and you couldn’t help feeling proud. “I didn’t know, either. I’m mostly amazed that he managed to keep a spoiler.”

Tom’s smile was wide. “Sorry. Love you.”

“I’m going to go find Tom,” said Chris, glancing at Tom. “The other Tom. I trust you two will be at the party tonight?”

You loved a good party; had been looking forward to this one ever since Tom had asked you to come as his date. “Yeah! See you, man!” Tom excitedly replied, but you only smiled and gave no reaction out loud. As soon as Chris Hemsworth walked over to Tom Hiddleston, did Tom Holland turn to you. Decisively, he took your hand and pulled you with him, marching to the side of the theatre.

“Tom, what are you doing?” you squeaked.

Tom crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re going to tell me what’s going on. Now.”

You copied his posture, feeling a combination of anger and stress and the very recent need to cry thanks to watching the man you love die, flow through you. “Tom, it’s okay. I don’t want to ruin your day.”

“If you’re not telling me what’s bothering you, that will ruin my day,” Tom emphasised. “I won’t stop worrying until you tell me.” He noted the hesitance in your eyes, and added a soft, “Please?”

He was right, of course. You hated how logical Tom was, rational and positive and always kind.

“Well, okay,” you growled. “Remember when I said that people would hate me? Because I... you know, because I ruined everyone’s chances of getting together with you?”

There was a dark glare in his eyes, one that you had never seen before. Dangerous. “Yeah. What happened?”

“Oh,” your heart was feeling heavy. It was crazy how badly you didn’t want to tell Tom. They were his fans. There was probably one in a thousand who would be rude to you like that, perhaps even less. You didn’t mean to mess up his faith in humanity, in his fans, in Marvel. “Well, there was just a girl that said some things to me.” You hated that you were wearing that stupid dress that was only destined to make you pretty but not comfortable at all, and you forced yourself to not start crying because you’d mess up your make-up, and everyone would see you cry.

Something in Tom’s jaw tensed. “What did she say to you?”

You chickened out. Couldn’t go through with it. “Oh, I don’t know. She was just screaming, but I couldn’t really hear over all the noise, you know. She looked very mad at me, though. Sebastian was with me, and security took her away.” And then she found her way back to talk to Tom, somehow. 

Tom studied your expression worriedly and saw the tears shining in your eyes. He let his arms fall and quickly wrapped them around you. He held you, closely and strongly. “That sucks, love,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “Luckily she’s gone now. Right?” 

“Right.” 

Robert came swaggering over with his wife on his arm, eyes sparkling with happiness clearly visible through his glasses. “Hey, kids,” he smiled, “Would you like to join us in our limo to the party?” 

What were you gonna do, say no?

*****

You came out of the restroom stall, carefree, a little tipsy, enjoying yourself. It was a nice party; the entire Infinity War cast was there with their family and spouses. There was free alcohol and loud music. You’d watched drunk Chris Hemsworth dance his ass off, and it had been highly amusing. 

You found your place at a free sink to wash your hands with soap, when an unexpected voice rang through your ears. 

“Y/N,” said the redhead standing next to you. She had changed clothes; from her Spider-Man shirt into a slutty black dress that reached just till the end of her ass. Her cleavage was more than visible, her deep v-neck revealing almost everything. 

You hoped that she wouldn’t notice your shock and, a little, fear. “Oh, hi,” you brought out. “How... how did you get in here?” You had an internal war going on in your mind, wondering whether you had the obligation to remain polite for Tom’s sake, or whether you could punch her in the teeth. 

“I used my charms,” she responded calmly. Her expression was the definition of a bitch face. “Flirted with the guards, told them I was Chris Evans’ niece. They had no fucking idea I was just here to talk to Tom.” 

A white anger stifled your senses. “Well, I hope you have a great time,” you muttered through clenched jaws. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to get back to my boyfriend now.” 

You attempted to move past her, but she caught your arm and held you back. “He won’t be your boyfriend much longer, Y/N,” she spat in your face. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He doesn’t really love you. You don’t make him happy. You don’t fucking deserve him--you’re the most fucked up girl in the world.” 

You weren’t even remotely equipped to deal with this. “What... you’re the most fucked up girl in the world,” you countered weakly, feeling your hands tingle. 

She flashed a smile at your inability to come up with a come-back. “You can’t make him happy, but I can. You’ll see.” She arched her back to reach for the towels, confidently drying her hands. “Now why don’t you do yourself a favour and drown yourself in the fucking toilet.” She walked away, her ass jiggling, her arms swinging. Like a diva.

Like a fucking bitch. 

You stood in the bathroom for a solid ten minutes, staring at yourself in the mirror, letting this sink into you. 

You supposed that this was what you were going to have to deal with if you wanted to be Tom Holland’s girlfriend. You realised your hands were shaking when you went to grab a towel to dry your hands. What gave this girl the right to talk to you that way?

Why don’t you do yourself a favour and drown yourself in the fucking toilet. 

“For fuck’s sake,” you murmured to yourself, deciding you couldn’t let yourself get pushed away from a party that you were actually invited to. So you mentally prepared yourself, and returned to the festivities. Thinking you could do a couple of shots with Tom, you went to find him. But when you did, he was already in the company of someone else.

Of course it was her. You weren’t even surprised anymore.

You really just wanted to go home and cry. You’d been at the party for long enough to be socially acceptable, it was okay to leave. But you also didn’t really want to leave Tom alone with her. 

*****

You sat at a distance, far enough for the redhead not to see you, close enough to just be able to make out what they were saying. Chris Evans had joined you and had tricked you into playing a drinking game with him. You had fun with the man, who had told you that he loved his family very much, but drinking games were much more fun with someone like you. Once you tried cheating, but Chris got so confused by your non-righteous behaviour that all you could do was apologise to him, “Sorry, Captain.” 

Your eyes darted back to Tom, who was still laughing with the redhead. You could see that they were now both holding a glass of fancy champagne. Even though it was an open bar, you wondered if Tom had offered her a drink. 

Sebastian found you in Chris from the other side of the bar, standing atop a stool to wave at you, and then he basically came skipping over. He smiled at Tom, which he passed, then stopped, and looked back. Frowned. Looked at the girl Tom was talking to. 

You could see it all going to hell. 

Sebastian tapped Tom on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he cleared his throat when Tom turned around, and the redhead’s eyes widened. “Tom, I take it that you don’t know who this is.” 

Tom glanced from Sebastian to the redhead and back. “Uhm, she’s a fan, Seb?” he brought out confused. 

“Not just any fan, are you?” Sebastian’s voice was laced with sarcasm; he might just as well have been breaking her fingers, that’s how pained she looked. “Yeah, we met before. She met Y/N, too, didn’t you? Said some lovely things.” 

“Seb, what the hell are you talking about?” asked Tom. 

“Y/N didn’t tell you?” Sebastian wondered, crossing his arms over his chest. “This is the girl that yelled at her. I had security take her away, but somehow, here she is.” His murderous gaze bored into hers. She tried to ramble something but failed to produce any words. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Get the fuck out of here, you disrespectful child. Have fun on the internet tonight.” 

The redhead sprinted out of there; she didn’t know how fast she had to get away from the Marvel party. You gave her a point; Sebastian Stan could be hella intimidating if he wanted to be. 

“Right, you were there with Y/N,” Tom determined, looking bewildered as the girl stormed off thanks to Seb, who was usually so shy and polite. “I didn’t know... I didn’t know it was her. Wait a second, Y/N said that she couldn’t make out what the girl was screaming at her? What the fuck?”

Sebastian grunted, shaking his head, still clouded with anger. “I believe her exact words were something along the lines of: ‘Fuck you, I hope you fucking die, you don’t deserve Tom Holland’.” 

Tom’s jaw dropped. He seemed to have difficulty processing this news. “What?” 

Your heart was beating in your throat. “Chris, I’m so sorry, but I have to go,” you excused yourself quickly. Chris opened his mouth but you were gone before he could say anything. You rushed past the celebrities, accidentally bumping into famous shoulder, saying sorry, and hoping to get the fuck away from this party. Yes, you had messed up, you had ruined Tom’s night. Fuck, you didn’t deserve him. He was too good for the world and all you did was ruin his goddamn night. 

“Y/N?” you heard Robert Downey Junior’s confused voice, but you kept going. 

You tossed your ID from the party at the security guard, who had already recognised you and had started saying “hey”, but you pushed past him and finally you were outside. Thankfully, you had gone through the back entrance, where there were no more fans who had followed the cars of the stars to the party. You let the cool air flow through your lungs and tried to calm yourself down. There were tears inevitably rolling down your cheeks. 

I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He doesn’t really love you.

“Stop crying, you fuck,” you cursed to yourself, taking a deep breath, wiping the tears from your face. You figured that you’d take a cab home after you’d managed to get yourself together. You wanted to wear you unicorn onesie, eat popcorn and watch movies. Movies in which Tom didn’t act. 

You didn’t think that anyone would follow you out. Or at least you hadn’t suspected that Tom had watched you run away. You couldn’t have known that Chris would have steered Tom in your direction, and later Robert had pointed to where you had gone, after which the security guard would tell him that you were just around the corner. 

“Thanks,” you heard his voice. Your head shot up as you watched him jog out of the building. He found you just as fast as you found him. “Y/N, come here,” he said, his voice breaking. 

But you were angry. Your soul had been crushed and your heart had broken a little. All the confidence you had had in your relationship with Tom had been brutally ripped away from you. All the confidence you had had in yourself had been stomped to death. And now you were just pissed. 

You held Tom at an arm’s length distance. “Please, Tom, I don’t want to ruin your evening,” you said, shocked by how badly your own voice was trembling. “Just go back inside and have fun. I’ll go home.” 

“What, no!” Tom protested, trying to get closer to you while you kept pushing him away. “Love, please, how can I have fun when I know you’re like this?” 

You can’t make him happy. 

“Just pretend it never happened,” you instructed, fury slipping into your intonation. “Come on, you talked to her all night. Was a lovely girl, wasn’t she? Made you laugh. Made you happy.” You knew it was unfair to blame Tom for the things the redhead had said, but you couldn’t stop yourself. A wave of anxiety overwhelmed you, and you started marching away, thinking you’d go find a cab. 

“I swear I didn’t know that any of this had happened!” Tom brought out, his voice panicked as he rushed after you.

“Yeah, right,” you scoffed, “Like you didn’t know you were going to die in Infinity War?”

“Y/N, please,” Tom ignored the last comment. “I understand that you’re upset but it’s not fair to blame it on me. I didn’t know what she had done to you. Just talk to me about it, I’m begging you.” 

“She told me to go fucking drown myself in a toilet, Tom!” you snapped, loud and furious, tears in your eyes. “I ran into her in the restroom, and that’s what she said. I should just fucking kill myself because I don’t fucking deserve you, because she had seen the way you looked at me and you don’t really love me and I can’t make you happy. But that’s not the worst part--the worst part is that she’s right. This should have been the best day of your life and I fucking ruined it.” You swirled around on your heel. 

“Y/N, stop.” 

You kept trying to walk away, but suddenly Tom’s hand was around your wrist. You yanked yourself loose. Tom then grabbed both your upper-arms firmly, forcing you to look at him. You tried to push him away, but he determinedly wrapped his arms around you, in a tight hug, and refused to let go. You struggled for a while, cursed him, but he never let go. And finally, you surrendered to his embrace. 

You were sobbing dramatically, wrecking his fancy suit. “Tom, I’m sorry--”

When he spoke up, Tom’s voice was surprisingly forceful. “You didn’t ruin my day. You didn’t--Y/N, listen to me. I love you so, so fucking much. Really, I love you. I love you more than probably should be possible, like, in the universe. There is nothing that makes me happier than you. When I was up on that stage, I looked at you, and I was so fucking happy that you were there. And I’m sorry that that girl was such a bitch to you, and that I didn’t see it, and that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry. If there’s anything, I don’t deserve you. You are the best person I’ve ever met.” He pressed you even closer to him. 

You lifted your head, your eyes now dry, your heart full. “Whoa, I really thought that we were just going to break up after today.”

Tom frowned, holding your face with both hands. “Bold of you assume that I would let that happen.” 

“Right,” you hummed, “I forgot for a second that you’re a superhero. A dead one, for that matter. We’re going to have to discuss that. Are you out of a job now? Are you not Spider-Man anymore?” You knew very well that he had filmed part 2 of Avengers Infinity War, and that Spider-Man Far From Home was on its way. 

“Fuck you, I am Spider-Man,” Tom smiled at you, wiping the residues of falling tears from your cheeks. 

“I know. I love you.” 

Tom didn’t need any more confirmation that you had forgiven him, and kissed you roughly, with all the passion and excitement that had been building up over the day. He’d been wanting to hold and kiss you ever since you’d appeared before him in your gorgeous dress, looking like an angel, waiting to be ravished. He kissed you with everything he had in him. And you really wanted him to. 

*****

The next morning, you woke up by Tom’s side. The sunlight peeked through the curtains and enlightened Tom’s sleeping face, his lips slightly parted, his upper-body above the blankets. The sight of him, so very much at peace, sent a smile to your face. 

You heaved yourself up, rethinking the rollercoaster that yesterday had been. You, however, were more than happy with how the day had ended. Picking up Tom’s white blouse, which he had worn under his suit yesterday, from the floor and pulling it over your head, you decided to make eggs with bacon. Tom would love it. 

First, you checked your phone to see whether you had any messages. 

With a frown, you noticed you had much more notifications than you had expected. Harrison was at the top, a WhatsApp message that read: ANSWER YOUR PHONE, Y/N. CALL ME. Sebastian Stan had texted you: It’s going to be okay. Don’t let them get to you. Chris Evans’ message said: People can be assholes. Ignore the assholes. You had fourteen missed calls from Robert Downey Junior, which was just excessive, four from Harrison, seven from your mother, and many, many more from your friends. 

What the fuck had happened?

You scrolled down, all the way to the first message. It came from an unknown number. This person had sent two images. With your heart beating insanely fast, you opened the message. The first thing you saw was the profile picture of the unknown person contacting you: the redhead. Rebecca, her name was revealed. Her text message read: I told you I’d show you. I’m going to make you regret that you sent me away from Tom. Followed by two images. 

It was the dark alleyway behind the building where the Marvel party had been. You were clearly crying, in action, trying to get away from Tom, but Tom was grabbing your wrist, holding you back. From the blurry picture, it appeared a violent action. On the second picture, you had both your hands on Tom’s chest, seemingly aggressively shoving him away from you. Under both images was a caption in capital letters: UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Stunned with panic, you scrolled through the internet, scouring through Instagram. It was everywhere. It was everything people were talking about. Going viral. You felt like you were going to throw up. Your screen blocked for a second, and then showed Harrison’s face calling you again. 

You stared at your screen, numb, letting Harrison go to voicemail.

This redhead wasn’t going to stop until she destroyed your life. 

*****

@starshipofhope @delicately-written @chims-kookies @loveallthingseverything @parkerprotectionprogram @fandom-is-my-middle-name @fab-notfat @fandomlover2091 @peterparkers-waffles @iiincognitoo @roses-hxlland @cobalt-gem @wheresmynandos @marvelbabezz @theojjjames @call-me-myrtle @minim236 @neighborhoodparker

(some tags aren’t working, don’t ask me why not, because i have no clue)

(thank you everyone for asking and motivating me to write a part 2! literally couldn’t have done it without you. you guys are AMAZING)

Edit: here’s PART 3

[headoverhiddles]

Business Hours - Matt Graver (Josh Brolin, Sicario) x Reader [Smut]

Synopsis: You can't stand your fellow team member. The feeling is not mutual.

Notes: Hey everyone, here is the long awaited Sicario fic I promised! Don't worry, there will be another one coming, I'm going to see the sequel tonight, so expect another fic posted tomorrow (ft some Benicio 👀😍). Thank you all for continuing to read my stuff! Means a lot. 💜

Matt Graver.

Even thinking the name makes you want to punch something. Preferably the man himself, but the entitled asswad was nowhere near you right now; probably asleep, as you should be. You had been out drinking last night to forget the shit you saw crossing the border. You were somewhat used to it. Make no mistake, it was a good call to volunteer you instead of your sister, Kate-- you're ex military, turned DEA, and a little more used to blurring the code of conduct under heat than she is. This being said, it was a little tough to see dismembered bodies strung up from every bridge, when all you're used to seeing is packs of cocaine. You think back to your preliminary debrief.

"So. DEA, huh?" Matt nodded, tossing your file down. "DOD myself. We go together like that..." he links his two pinky fingers together, and flashes you a smile. You look away from him."

Hitting the button on the kettle, you hoist yourself up on the counter, rolling your neck.

After that exchange at the debriefing, he had found you again, donning a pair of slacks and some lovely green crocs.

"Ready for some action tomorrow?" he grinned, and you hesitated.

"Tomorrow?"

"Oh, did no one tell you?" he asked boredly, popping in some gum, "We're moving out tomorrow instead of next Tuesday, so pack your stuff."

"Thanks," you grit out, and he comes up to you, staring you straight in the eye. He's only inches away at this point, and you clench your jaw. He just gives you that smug smile.

"No problem." He looks you up and down. "If you need a little help packing up, call me."

"Like I'm going to let you go through my panty drawer, asshole," you shoot back.

"Man, you're crushing my dreams here, (y/l/n)!"

You were rarely ruffled, but his blatant disregard for convention disarmed you. Reminded you a little of... well, you. You swirl the tea bag around in your mug.

"You married?"

You shake your head. "Never had the chance."

"Well yeah, would've been surprised if you said yes. How old're you, anyway?"

"27."

He grins. "Yep. Young and sweet."

You snort. "Everyone who's called me innocent in the past has learned quickly."

"I don't doubt it," he nods, "Chill out. I don't intend to make that mistake."

A knock at your door wakes you from your thoughts. You walk over, and peer through the eyehole to see the man himself, Matt Graver, standing in your doorway with his usual button up, slacks, and flip flops.

"What?" you crack the door open in exasperation.

"Morning, sunshine," he says, checking his 2AM watch time.

"Graver, I'm not in the mood, I've got the daddy of all fucking hangovers," you mutter, and he hums, coming in and sitting down with that shit eating grin.

"Say that again."

You frown, and lock the door. "What?"

"Daddy," he smirks, and you flip him off, pouring some chamomile tea.

"Would you like some tea, Matt? Thanks, I'd love some, (y/n)," he feigns, raising his eyebrows at you, and you resist the smile twitching at your lips, turning away so he doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing it.

"This is my last tea bag," you grumble.

"All the better to share with the guest," he says, and you sigh, pouring him a mug and setting it down in front of him with a punctuated thump. Joining him at the table, you shrug.

"So? To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Matt leans back, and you try not to let yourself look down at the bulge he's got in those cargo pants. The fucker probably goes commando, which was even worse with someone that... gifted. He tilts his head at your question. "Eh. Thought I'd drop by."

"Uh huh?" you nod, "Business hours are tomorrow. Like I said, I'm not in the mood."

"Okay, alright, shit," he chuckles, "You take no prisoners. Here. Came to give you this." He slides a manilla folder across the table, and you go to open it. He puts a hand over yours. "Wait until I'm gone to read it. Then I can deal with all your annoying questions tomorrow."

"Annoying questions?" you repeat.

"Yeah."

"I wouldn't ask such annoying questions if you didn't give me such an annoying answers," you retort, and look down. His hand is still on top of yours. He notices that you've noticed, and slowly removes it, not without that smirk.

"What did you do before you became DEA?"

"I've always been DEA."

"Nah, I think you're just a private person. C'mon... I'm curious."

You take a deep breath, and give up. "I served in the army."

He sobers up. "Where?"

"Iraq. Like my sister's partner."

"I respect that. I respect you, contrary to what you probably believe."

You scoff, taking a sip of your tea. "I believe you respect very few people, Mr. Graver."

"Keen guess, and you're one of 'em."

You look up at him over your cup, and can't help but believe his honest eyes... and the way he's looking at you--

God, the tension between you two has been killer since you met. It seemed as if even the others had begun to notice. It's just his confidence, his carefree attitude, the ease with which he does his job. You wouldn't call it graceful, but you would call it smart.

"What're you thinking about?" he asks softly.

"You."

He's surprised at the straightforward answer. "Really?"

"I don't know what to make of you. You're a mystery to me, yet you're the least mysterious person on this god damn team. I hate mysteries, Graver."

"I don't think you've seen many guys like me. That's all," he says, "Guys who nail the whole, maximum results, minimum effort deal."

"But I can't figure something out," you mutter, pushing your cup away in frustration. Does he like you, or does he just like to play?

"You're wondering if I was pulling all that flirty stuff outta my ass," he nods, chuckling. You bite your lip at the deep sound, and rub a hand over your eyes. "Well... truth is, no. It wasn't all bullshit." He sits forward. "I think you're a fuckin knock out, and I wanna have you on every surface of this room. There, boom. The truth is out." He puts his hands behind his head. "Like I said. If you need help, I'm always here."

You blink at him, then slide forward to press your lips to his. He warmly reciprocates, putting his large hand behind your head to keep you there, and using the other one to pull you into his lap. You moan into his mouth, and he bounces you, stealing your lips into his mouth with a grunt. You reach down feverishly to unbuckle his pants, and he helps you with yours as well. It's as if both of you are racing the other to see who can get who undressed first, and he ultimately wins, yanking your pants down and off. You take off his shirt, running your hands up his heaving chest, and he does the same for you, reaching behind you to unclasp your bra. You gaze down at him, your lips barely ghosting over one another's.

"You're the first guy who's gotten it on the first try."

"What can I say? I've cracked the code," he smirks, and kisses you again, lifting you up so that your legs are wrapped around his middle. You continue to make out with him as he holds you against the wall, using one hand to drop his pants. You cluck your tongue as you look down at his cock, boxer-free.

"I was right."

He gives you a funny look, before reaching down to grab a condom from his pocket. "Do me a favour, open this?" he asks, and holds it up for you to rip with your teeth. "Impressive."

"Why the hell did you bring a condom?" you sigh, wondering why you're even asking.

"I guess you could say my intentions were not pure," he grins, and slides the protection on. You bite your lip, feeling yourself get even wetter at the prospect of taking that. You had only had a few skilled and endowed lovers in your lifetime, and you had a feeling that this was going to put all the others to shame.

"Ready?" he groans in your ear, pumping himself in his fist.

"Yeah," you whisper, and he reaches down to dip two fingers into you, running them through your slick and then parting your folds. He moves his fingers up to your clit, and begins to rub as he finally pushes himself in.

"Ahg--" you fall forward into his chest, your arms looping around his neck tightly, "Ohgod-- Matt..."

"Use your words, honey," he coos gently, starting up a steady, rocking pace. His hips rotate as if he's swinging them, each time thrusting deep inside you. After the sixth thrust, you feel him reach your g-spot, and you gasp.

"There! There, there... oh fuck, Matt, please..."

He gives a self-satisfied smirk. "Enjoying yourself, huh?"

"Fuck... you..." you growl, throwing back your head.

"You're doing a sweet job of that, (y/n)," he laughs, and starts going harder, increasing his thrusting.

"Please... pl... pl... oh..." your clit throbs as he continues to stroke and rub and stimulate it, and while that hand does that and his hips hold you against the wall, he uses the other hand to wrap a hand around your left breast, squeezing and massaging until he moves onto the other one.

"Beautiful," he muses, and you moan again as he continues to take you against the wall. After a moment, he bites his lip, and spins you both around, setting you on your back, on the table. The tea spills a little-- neither of you care. He covers your body with his larger one, thrusting in perfectly, again and again until you feel your orgasm coming.

"Matt... Matt, oh!" You get lost in the headspace. "Fuck me, daddy!"

He groans, eyelids squeezing shut, and now he really starts to fuck you, so hard the table moves. "That's it... what a good girl for daddy... daddy's girl, hm? That's amazing, sweetheart, let daddy fuck you just right..."

"Mmm," you whine, grabbing onto his arms, and he connects your lips one last time as he tugs your hair back, exposing you neck for him to suck.

"Mine..." his voice vibrates through you as he marks you and repeats that against your skin.

"Please... Matt, daddy, daddy please let me..."

"Gotta tell me what you want, sweetheart," he murmurs, switching his quick, rough thrusts to slow, deep pounds as he holds one palm flat on the tabletop. You just about sob at the feeling.

"Please, let me come!"

"Don't let me hold you back," he smirks, pressing a kiss to the corner of your open lips, and you climax hard, feeling your wetness coat him. He keeps fucking you through it, until he's sure you've had your fill. Then, he pumps a few more times inside of you, shuddering and moaning your name. You hold onto him as he comes too, meeting his eyes. He looks debauched, and you're sure you do too.

"Two surfaces," he breathes, falling back into his chair.

"What?" you pant as well as he grabs his shirt and sits back down too.

"I only fucked you on two surfaces," he begins to smile, "That's a couple fewer than I promised." He runs a hand through his hair, wiping away the sweat on his forehead.

"You keeping score?" you smile a little.

"I am now," he says, and shakes his head. "I thought you were gonna punch me when I confessed."

"That was my first instinct," you tell him.

"Well. Me and my penis are sure glad you went with your first." You get up and shove him, and he sets off laughing. "Fuck," he exhales, looking at the time, "I'll see you tomorrow at base."

"Uh huh," you simply mutter back.

"And tomorrow night."

"Debateable," you huff.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow night," he says, and takes one last sip of his drink, licking his lips. "Damn good tea. You gonna have some more of that? You know, tomorrow night? When I see you again?"

"Sleep tight Graver," you roll your eyes, ushering him out the door. With a playful little wave, he's gone, and you're left to contemplate your job, your love life, your sex life, and whether or not you actually want to contemplate those things.

Fuck it. Matt's sexy, in every sense of the word. You could die any day, any hour right now. This is definitely what you need-- and he knows it.

------

Tag List: (ask to be added!) @kitcatimpala67 @crailb @the-undateable @booklover2929 @messoria109 @mass-moriarty-effect89 @fabulouskilljoyonpatrol @hauntedshepherdsharkpainter @hotintopeka @bananzaa @neganrpblog @lostdarksoul6 @gallifreyangrandtorino @der-weisse-teufel

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Movie Review: Deadpool 2 (Spoilers)

Spoiler Warning: I am posting this review the weekend after the movie is released in the U.K. So if you haven’t yet seen the movie don’t read on.

General Reaction:

Pop culture references, or "Meta-Referencing" as it's called in some circles, has become such à staple in both movies and television that it is hard to know who originated it. But in terms of who owns it, that largely is Fox as their animated TV shows, such as Family Guy and American Dad, are built around it. However, Deadpool as a character is a meta-referencing construct. Spouting pop culture satire is what he has been known for since his creation, being the "Merc with the Mouth" and fans may worry that if he didn't have that, would he be a quality character.

Well if Deadpool 2 is anything to go by, I'd say that's a yes. Yes there are still meta-references spread throughout this movie, but the movie doesn't rely on them and instead becomes a fully-rounded comic-book action movie. In my opinion more so than the first Deadpool movie and even Avengers: Infinity War in terms of story.

Yes the plot is pretty much ripping off Terminator but it does Terminator how you would expect Deadpool to do Terminator. Not only does it satirically play homage to that movie but also the amount of pot shots it takes both at the MCU and DCEU is fantastic.

My two critiques with the meta-referencing in this movie is 1) There is a joke made about child molesting early on in this movie that hinders on that line of very poor taste and 2) They missed some very obvious chances to make fun of some of the movie's cast that they had no reason to miss. When your main character wears a mask covering his mouth, then the writers and director have no excuses when watching this movie in post and saying "Hey we missed an obvious Billy Skarsgård as Pennywise joke and a joke about Orange is the New Black, Black Panther and Wonder Woman, no worries we can have Ryan Reynolds dub over" but alas there is nothing.

As a fully rounded movie however, there is one thing I never expected to see in a Deadpool movie and that is a genuinely emotional scene, in this case Vanessa's death, yes the first movie had Wade discovering he had cancer, but with this scene there were one or two moments I felt would be used to turn the scene satirical, both with the microwave pinging and Wade's emotional reaction but surprisingly they just kept to the reaction...it was somewhat watered down at the end when Wade went back in time and saved her but I'll get into that when I talk about Vanessa further down.

Cast:

On the subject of characters, much like the first movie this cast proves to be a great support in a movie that is solely the Ryan Reynolds/Deadpool show, unlike the first movie though this cast do just seem to be supporting players.

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool just as Hugh Jackman was born to play Wolverine and Krysten Ritter was born to play Jessica Jones. What he does with this character is nothing short of magic. I cannot describe just how much I love this actor in this role, this is coming from a guy who has never been a Ryan Reynolds fan...at all.

I love the fact they finally embraced Pansexual Deadpool as he was clearly in a committed relationship with Vanessa but he did have some flirtatious banter with Colossus and even Cable, I mean he used his crotch in Cable’s face as an offensive attack.

Reynolds’ physical comedy is upped in this movie, not only does he have that brilliant crouched over through the legs on a moving car bit that I found quite funny but also the that prison break scene when Wade falls from the walkway smack onto a table with his body effectively bent over was really gross and really cool. I haven’t seen physical comedy this funny since Jim Carrey in the 90s; think Ace Ventura or The Mask, even The Grinch, that is what I was reminded of watching Ryan Reynolds in this movie.

As I said, everyone else was effectively a supporting player but the next two with the biggest roles were Josh Brolin as Cable and Julian Dennison as Russell Collins aka Firefist. What is interesting about both these characters is I have only ever seen them in the 90s X-Men animated series. Cable was a recurring player in all four seasons while Russell was named Rusty and only appeared in one episode during Season 3.

Josh Brolin as Cable was surprisingly very good and the fact he is still appearing as Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War was not a distraction because both characters are very different and with the CGI on Brolin for Thanos, there is a definite distinction between the two.

They definitely didn’t spend enough time establishing Cable as a character in his own right, outside of the fact his wife and daughter Hope were killed by an adult Russell which is why he traveled back in time there was no real character development. There was a minor scene when Cable is looking in the mirror at his body and it does seem he’s pained over the fact the techno-organic virus that is never mentioned is trying to take over his body but other than that there is really nothing defining other than the fact he was a formidable threat.

The fact he chose to stay at the end of the movie wasn’t exactly a shocker because Deadpool 2 was a back-door pilot in setting up X-Force, even though he saw that his family were alive because his daughter Hope’s teddy bear that he carries with him which was burned but then looked like new when they fixed the timeline which was a stereotypical time-travel trope but a good one, he decides to stick around for no real reason. When Wade says a line earlier in the movie saying “That’s just bad writing” I was thinking Cable’s ending was more sloppy.

As for Russell Collins aka Firefist, I really didn’t get on board with this character. Yes he was the troubled youth that had trauma in his past and being a Mutant in this universe is never good for anyone of any age, but he was just angry. Yes he had one or two funny lines but most of the time his motivation as a character did not seem genuine. In fact, Russell here reminded me of Jamie Foxx as Electro in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, a character needing to be needed.

Whereas Domino I felt I did not get enough of, genuinely mostly everything we have seen of the character in this movie was in the trailers. She had one or two more good lines particularly with the truck chase but outside of that I was left underwhelmed as a fan of Domino’s because I wanted her to be a scene-stealer similar to Black Widow, Deadpool even calls her “Black Black Widow”.

Colossus again proves to be quite a comedic and competent character despite his earlier appearances in the original X-Men trilogy. The only issue is, we never see him outside of being metallic and yet again Deadpool makes the joke about the studio not being able to afford more X-Men than Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Although there is a fantastic cameo from the X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men team while Deadpool is making this budget speech as the shot cuts to a profile shot of Wade showing a classroom with that team played by those actors in. In the room there is Beast, Quicksilver, Nightcrawler, Storm, Cyclops and bald Professor X all of whom were played by the same actors who portrayed them in X-Men: Apocalypse. It was interesting to see that neither Sophie Turner nor Jennifer Lawrence made an appearance as Jean Grey and Mystique respectively but literally the show was a blink and you will miss it type of shot.

Circling back to Negasonic Teenage Warhead, and I’m going to call her Ellie because it’s easier and that’s her civilian name, again like Domino most of what we’ve seen from her we saw in the trailers but what was confirmed in this movie was her LGBT status.

Now it is not confirmed if she is bisexual or a lesbian but she is in a relationship with Yukio, who I think is supposed to be Surge from the comics but her name is Noriko not Yukio and Yukio is in fact from The Wolverine portrayed by Rila Fukishima in which case I am frustrated with this character because I loved what Rila did with it. Regardless, I applaud this movie because I have recently written up a Research Project for my university course about the lack of LGBT representation in Marvel and this movie gave me hope that maybe they are turning a corner, both with the teenage lesbian lovers and Deadpool’s pansexuality.

I did have the opportunity to meet Brianna Hildebrand at Comic-Con in March but opted out in favour of Yondu but I continue to be happy with her role in these movies.

Then X-Force as a team, the biggest tease I have seen for quite some time, I haven’t seen such a tease lacking followup since The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and the promise of the Sinister Six. Almost every trailer in this movie promoted the X-Force team starting in this movie but what the trailers failed to say was that they’d be seen for a grand total of five minutes and then literally be killed off save for Deadpool and Domino.

When you have the likes of Terry Crewes and Bill Skarsgård in the movie, particularly with Billy coming off of such a success with It, yet barely have them speak and don’t really have any screen-time or development before killing them off just to say “We’ve had X-Force” it’s a waste. I mean I get only having Lewis Tan for a glorified cameo as he is more of a stuntman and he was playing a character that would have been all stunts mainly but again it was such a wasted opportunity.

Although the one thing the team did right was give us a bigger shock cameo than Matt Damon in Thor: Ragnarok and I am talking Brad Pitt as Vanisher. Now for most of the time Vanisher was invisible however when he fell down onto the power-lines and got electrocuted to reveal himself as Brad Pitt, the audience I saw this movie gave the biggest reaction all movie. It was such a surprise and such a non-commitment type of role that Pitt didn’t have to do it but either did 20th Century Fox a favour or Ryan Reynolds a favour, either way it actually made me respect him more.

Outside of that brief cameo, the biggest shock for me was the reveal of Juggernaut. I was actually very surprised to see him in this movie. When they “foreshadowed” the character, I genuinely did not know who it was going to be but the fact it was Juggernaut and looking more like Juggernaut than Vinnie Jones did I was loving it. Although I wasn’t so keen on the fact that Ryan Reynolds provided the voice, again Vinnie Jones was great vocally and physically in the role it was just how they styled him I had a problem with. Also the fact he was defeated by essentially having an electric enema was a little bit in poor taste, again there’s a line and Deadpool both as a character and a franchise dance very finely on it.

Then as for Vanessa, I really like Morena Baccarin as an actress but currently I am not entirely sure she knows what role she wants to commit to. Yes she is a mainstay on Gotham and has been fantastic on that all season and it is clear she was not in the first few episodes because of filming this, but then there is the fact she is back voicing Gideon on The Flash which is a minor voice-over role and then there was this but it is such a watered down version of the character from the comics to the point where she was never revealed as a mutant or had her appearance from the comics. Although interestingly enough the character did first appear in the comics as Domino before revealing herself properly.

The end-credits scene which saw Ellie fix Cable’s time-travelling device and stupidly giving it to Deadpool allowed him to go back and save Vanessa, meaning she’s not dead, which if you follow time-travel lore means the events of this movie should not have happened but even so I digress.

Deadpool’s Future:

My final thoughts are on the future of Deadpool in terms of movies because of course there is a pending merger that could threaten that.

I do think that when you consider the fact Fox is in the midst of having it’s movie and television properties going over to Disney, one has to consider if Deadpool and the X-Men have a future. Yes Kevin Feige is going to want to capitalize on Deadpool’s box office to add to his own gross and they have confirmed that Deadpool will stay R-Rated. but the meta-referencing to the MCU may have to be taken out if the character becomes part of the MCU and also if Ryan Reynolds does not continue to have control over the character as he does now then we lose something special.

Now they have said that Deadpool 3 will in fact be an X-Force movie and it is already in negotiations, however I do not believe that any development in terms of script, casting or filming will take place until this merger is confirmed. While I think Deadpool is meta enough to be the only surviving character from Fox in this merger, I do think making the movie as Fox but then either part way through or even at the point of premiere becoming a Disney property would mess up what is currently one of the best comic-book movie franchises out there.

Overall I rate this movie a 9/10, it’s not the best movie I have ever seen however both as the type of comic-book movie it promised and the type of character actor Ryan Reynolds is it is a perfect movie. It just isn’t higher because I do not feel the immediate urge of a rewatchability factor.

So that’s my review of Deadpool 2, what did you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Marvel Movie Reviews as well as other Movie Reviews and posts.

[tomhollanduniverse]

Tissue Issue [Tom Holland Oneshot]

Pairing: Tom Holland x Female Reader

Word Count: 1,343

Warnings: Cussing, fluff, Infinity War Spoilers, lots of tears

Anon Requested Oneshot: can u write a tom x reader that she goes with him to the infinity war's premiere and she cries a lot (like really sobbing) when peter 'dies' and when the movie ends and they turn the lights on, the other cast members make jokes with her? Btw, i love your writing 💜

A/N: I AM OFFICIALLY OVER MY WRITING FUNK!! I loved writing this oneshot, even though it’s not very long. It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die! Please excuse the lame ass title, I couldn’t think of anything better. I really hope you like this, Anon! Let me know what you all think.

The bright flashes from the cameras cause blind spots to appear in my vision, as the door of our white limousine opens. Tom steps out in front of me, in a black Armani suit, white undershirt and blue silk tie. He flashes me a smile and takes my hand, helping me out of the car. As I step out, my blue Oscar de la Renta gown falls around my ankles, my white pumps taking on my weight. Although I had been dating Tom for nearly a year, I still wasn’t used to the fame that he carried around with him everywhere. After being in the spotlight for well over 10 years, he walks with his head held high down the red carpet.

 We were attending the premiere of Infinity War, one of the biggest releases of the century. I could feel the pressure of it, too, from seeing some of the biggest stars of the movie walking in ahead of us. Robert Downey Junior was right in front of us, Susan at his side, both of them waving to the crowd. I bite my lip, feeling more anxious than ever. I subconsciously squeeze Tom’s hand, looking around at all of the people. He looks over in my direction, making sure I was okay.

 “Are you okay, Y/N?” I shiver as he put his lips to my ear so I could hear him over the screaming. I nod nervously. He leans over to me, kissing me softly, his hand cradling the back of my head. He always knew how to calm my nerves. As his warm lips part from mine, the crowd “Woos” at us, the flashes getting more frantic. I giggle, covering my mouth nervously. He closes the gap between us, and wraps his arm around my waist, walking closer to Rob and Susan. He leads us over to a group of fans to sign some autographs and to take some pictures. He never once lets go of my hand, some of the fans wanting me in the picture with them. I look behind me, seeing Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie and Chris Evans walking up to us. I tap his shoulder, looking back to me. I laugh and point to his friends.

 “Look who it is!” I yell to him. He turns around and sees them. Anthony rolls his eyes when he sees Tom. As they walk up, I can’t help but notice how much they tower over Tom.

 “Look at that suit, Holland. You’re such a diva! What are you going to put in that pocket? A juice box?!” He pokes Tom’s chest. All of us bust up laughing.

 “Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!” Tom’s mouth drops open, feeling his breast-pocket on his suit. His eyebrows furrow. “But there is something in here…here are some better jokes that you forgot at home.” and pulls out his middle finger. I almost fall over laughing, as Chris Evans grabs his chest, throwing his head back in laughter. It was cute, their fake feud they had going on. Tom looks over to me laughing, his eyes crinkling in the corners. Sebastian leans over to me.

 “You better keep this one out of trouble, Y/N. His mouth is running faster than his skinny little legs can keep up with.” Tom’s shoulders drop, rolling his eyes, fighting back a grin.

 “Sorry, what?! I can’t hear you through all that hair, Cousin It!” Chris says, flipping a long strand of hair out of Seb’s eyes. Tom gives Chris a high-five.

 “Now that’s some good shit!” Chris Pratt walks up behind us, laughing. Tears run down my cheeks, thanking God I was wearing waterproof mascara. After about 20 minutes, we all walk toward the theater entrance. We all give one final wave to the crowd, as we walk in to find our seats. I sink down into my squishy blue seat, feeling excited for the movie. On one side was Tom, the other side Scarlet Johansson. The cast and crew that were attending took up about 4 rows of seats, Tom and I in front. I still could not believe I was lucky enough to know these people personally, but I feel much more lucky that I was Tom’s girl.

 Not long after we sit down, people start piling in, filling all of the empty seats behind us. When the previews start, I pull my phone out of my handbag to silence it, realizing I forgot all of my tissues at home. Tom told me to bring them, but he wouldn’t tell me why. He looks at me with concern.

 “You forgot your tissues, didn’t you Y/N?” his eyebrows raising.

 “Maybe…I shouldn’t need them anyways.” I rarely cry during movies. He opens his mouth to speak, but before he could the “Feature Presentation” flashes across the screen. The crowd goes quiet, the Marvel logo appearing almost eerily. It was strange not to hear any music like this. I was starting to think Tom was right about the tissue issue, as one of the main characters was killed off. Gasps and cries came from every corner of the theater as this character dies. Oh...oh no…this was only the beginning. My eyes start stinging, as we come upon the scene that Tom warned me about. A maskless Peter Parker stumbles into Iron Man, from weakness. Tom looks over to me grinning, as I am completely enthralled in the scene. My mouth hangs open, the theater going blurry from tears flooding my eyes.

 “No fucking way.” I say under my breath. “No--no.”

 “I don’t feel so good, Mr. Stark.”

 “You’re alright.�� Tony chokes up.

 “I don’t want to go, please. I don’t want to go, Mr. Stark. I am sorry, Tony, I am sorry.” I feel Tom’s eyes on me, as I watch Peter whither away into ashes. I turn my head to the side quickly, as I begin sobbing. Scarlet looks over to me, concerned. She notices what I’m doing and grins, looking over to Tom. She stays quiet, handing me a tissue. I feel Tom’s hand stroking my back. Shit, I was going to hear it from him after the movie was over. The credits roll, as people sit and wait for the extra scene. I try to straighten myself up, but I still have a few tears rolling down my face. People start cheering and clapping for the movie, as Tom looks at me with concern once again. Chris Hemsworth turns around, hearing one of my silent sniffles.

 “Hey are you okay, Y/N?” The question draws the attention of all the A-Listers in the room. After the people behind us clear out, I couldn’t help but notice everyone was looking at me with grins painted on their perfect faces.

 “What the hell happened?” Josh Brolin asks, laughing.

 “You killed Spider-Man...you killed everyone you Purple bastard.” I said, throwing popcorn at him. The whole cast erupts into laughter. “I’m gonna squish your head like a grape!” I felt the dry tears crack on my red face, from smiling so wide. My eyes still burn, still puffy but I think the tears have stopped for now. I stand up and straighten my gown.

 “Let’s go, Tom! You’re in trouble for laughing!” I yell.

 “But, darling! I don’t want to go!!” he yells, trying to stand up. Laughter fills the room again, as I hit his arm.

 “You asshole!” I scream, through laughter.

[moviemumbojumbo]

17 Ridiculous Sequels That We're Totally Gonna Go See

This is unbelievable, but actually pretty believable, because them Hollywooders be like "money! money! money!"  Some of these are more ridiculous than others, some you might already know about, and some will blow your mind, or as us bloggers like to say "it will change your life forever." 

1. Beetlejuice 2

It's very early in Beetlejuice 2 development, but apparently it's a thing, and apparently it's going to involve Michael Keaton and Tim Burton. Hmmmm. Tim Burton isn't exactly on a hot streak. Michael Keaton OWNS the Beetlejuice character and will no doubt nail it again. But I mean, I saw him nail it already, sooo this is ridiculous, and yes, I will go see it.

2. Ghostbusters 3

Well we've been hearing about this for like, years. No one has been really that excited about it, and unfortunately one of the most important contributors to Ghostbusters, Harold Ramis, has passed away. Bill Murray doesn't want to be in it. Ivan Reitman is producing but not directing. HOWEVER we are now reading that Paul Feig is signed on to direct it and it will star an all-female ghostbusters team. Hey, that's kind of exciting, especially considering the chicks that Paul Feig has worked with. Please put Annie Potts in it! Please please put Annie Potts in it! She can be the secretary again! Please!

3. Dumb and Dumber To:

I was actually kind of really excited about Dumb and Dumber To, once again staring Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey, but after seeing the trailer, EYE ROLL. If the best jokes are in the trailer, then we don't have much to look forward to in this movie. Dumb and Dumber wasn't exactly a high brow comedy, but at least the jokes made sense in some sort of dumb guy universe. Many people are going to see it. I'll rent it. This November, Dumb just got Dumber. (I thought of that line)

4. Bill & Ted 3

Jesus Christ. How does this even work? Are Keanu Reeves and that other dude going to pretend to be idiot teenagers? Maybe the movie will just start in the "future" where these stupid unfunny teenagers are stuck as middle-aged men. It's a good thing the plot involved time travel! Phew! Were the first two Bill & Ted movies any good in the first place? I don't actually remember because it was TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. Anyway, Keanu Reeves says there's a script. Bogus.

5. Beverly Hills Cop 4

This is full on happening, Eddie Murphy is involved, and it's being filmed in Detroit. This seems stupid, but for some reason, I don't hate this idea. I have not seen the second and third films, so maybe I'm just being naive. Were the sequels funny? Is Eddie Murphy still awesome? 

6. Blade Runner 2

Well, this is based on a book, so fine. But I don't understand why they waited so long. A lot has happened to Harrison Ford since the first movie. Most recently, Expendables 3 happened to Harrison Ford. Nevertheless, Ridley Scott is set to direct and Ford is set to star. The script is apparently written, and there's a website. When Blade Runner came out, there were no websites.

7. Dodgeball 2

It will star Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. The news I am finding is over a year old, so I guess that means the project is getting dragged out a bit or whatever. I don't know. 

8. The Goonies 2

WHAAAAAAAAT? WHAATTT? This one blows my mind the most. I should put it at the bottom or the top of this list but then I would have to renumber everything, so fuck that. Just know it's the most ridiculous. I can't even imagine what in god's name this movie will be like. I can't even start to guess. I do not know. The original director Richard Donner is somehow still alive and he's into it.  According to news, it's been "in the works" for quite a long time. Here's Josh Brolin celebrating the Goonies THIRTIETH anniversary and fielding a question about the sequel.

9. Independence Day 2

I mean, OK. Whatever. There's no Will Smith but there is Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum. According to Screenrant, it's coming out on July 4, 2015. Clever. 

Screenrant:

 The sequel will pick up in real-time, some twenty years after the first movie. However, co-writers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich (the latter is returning to direct) have revealed that ID4-2 takes place in an alternate present-day reality, where humanity has spent the last two decades harvesting the alien technology featured in the first movie.

There's already a second sequel. They are calling it ID Forever Part 1 & Part 2, which is kind of confusing. And also very ambitious, especially with no Fresh Prince. This isn't the Hunger Games, so good luck with that. Who am I kidding, this will make shit tons of money....Ok, I'm actually very bored writing about this.

10. Jurassic World

News says it's directed by Colin Trevorrow, whose breakout project was Safety Not Gauranteed, so he's an indie guy. Maybe two dinosaurs will fall in love and listen to the shins together! Jurassic World stars Chris Pratt and Judy Greer. 

11. Rambo 5

Sylvester says he's started to train for it. According to Screenrant, he's going to battle a Mexican drug cartel threat, which sounds like a totally new and original idea to me. 

12. Rounders 2

Something about a card game in Paris. Matt Damon's in, and my guess is that his poker-addicted character will go to Paris for one last job before he retires. Harvey Weinstein is producing it after some boring Hollywood Miramax business split-off merger or whatever who cares.

13. Magic Mike XXL

Of course this movie's release will be a Movie Mumbo Jumbo main event showdown. The E! news says that production just started! Everyone wag yo dicks around at each other in celebration because this is happening! It's being shot as we speak! Soderbergh is pushing it forward, and he didn't wait until Channing Tatum was 72 to do it. Soderbergh is not directing, but is doing all of the other important jobs (DP, editor, cameraman). AND AND AND the best news of all is that it will be a straight up stripper movie unlike the first. It's a sequel so they plan to "swing for the fences" according to Tatum. Tatum also said that the whole movie is a bunch of shiny dudes, wildly swinging their dicks all over the place including on fences, at a stripper convention. Or something like that.

14. Taken 3

Bryan Mills, played by Liam Neesom, has really bad luck. And I don't know why people keep messing with him. He has a special set of skills. Haven't they learned that yet? Here's the proof of this movie.

15. Zoolander 2

This is majorly TBD. I've been waiting for this for years. And thank goodness Ben Stiller is in awesome shape and STILL totally looks like a hot young supermodel. Ben Stiller produced, directed, and co-wrote the first one, and according to news he would be writing the new script with Justin Theroux, who will be directing it. Lady Gaga was said to be offered a role at one point. But in most recent news, it seems as though Stiller is too busy to do it right now. He's a hollywood big shot, and I want to see Zoolander 2!

16. Clerks III 

Kevin Smith was clearly stoned when he tweeted this. However, he wrote the script and it was going to get made by the Weinsteins until they saw that it would cost 6 million bones (not very much money for them). But Kevin Smith tweeted this summer that it will still be made. I wouldn't know what to expect from this sequel, but I would hope that it wouldn't be very shiny and blockbuster looking, just like the old ones. The 6 million dollar budget tells me that might be true. 

Honorable Mention:

Three more ridiculous sequels that we are definitely NOT going to go see but deserve a mention are  Shakespeare in Love 2 Horrible Bosses 2 Men in Black 4

What the!?